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FACTSHEET 

FOR FAMILIES

April 2015

Parenting Your Adopted 

Teenager

WHAT’S INSIDE

The impact of 

adoption on teenage 

development

Communicating with 

your teenager about 

adoption

Communicating and 

building relationships 

with birth family 

members 

Helping your teenager 

communicate with 

others about adoption

Effective discipline

Preparing your teen for 

adulthood

Seeking help for 

behavioral and mental 

health concerns

Summary

During the teenage years, youth form an 

identity that is separate from their parents and 

begin to learn adult life skills. Adoption adds 

complexity to the normal developmental tasks 

of teenagers, regardless of the age they were 

adopted. This factsheet is designed to help you, 

the adoptive parent, understand your adopted 

teenager’s experiences and needs so you can 

respond with practical strategies that foster 

healthy development. These strategies include 

approaches that acknowledge trauma and loss, 

support effective communication, promote a teen’s 

independence, and address behavioral and mental 

health concerns.
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The Impact of Adoption on Teenage 

Development

As your adopted teenager goes through a period of 

dramatic change and development, he or she will need 

parental guidance and support as much as ever, but also 

may resist it more than ever. Thirteen- to 19-year-olds 

experience rapid physical and hormonal growth, and 

many adolescents may look like young adults in their 

mid-teen years; however, teenagers still need continued 

parental supervision, emotional support, and interaction 

with caring adults.

Adolescence is a time of significant brain development, as 

well as social and emotional development in the formation 

of identity and independence—both of which may be 

affected by adoption and/or early childhood trauma.

Brain Development

Experts once believed that brain development peaked 

in early childhood; we now know that significant brain 

growth occurs during the teen years. This growth spurt 

provides important opportunities for shaping healthy 

development.

Teenagers experience gradual changes in the section of 

the brain (prefrontal cortex) that manages their abilities 

to reason, control impulses, limit inappropriate behaviors, 

and make good judgments. This development is not 

complete until the midtwenties. In addition, the parts 

of the brain that involve critical thinking, understanding 

social cues, and empathizing with others (relating to other 

people’s perspectives and showing compassion) are also 

developing.

Chemical changes in the teenage brain (shifting levels 

of dopamine) encourage youth to seek risks and new 

challenges. This occurs at a time when the youth’s brain 

is less effective at thinking through consequences and 

controlling impulses. As such, teens need guidance from 

adults, opportunities for healthy risk-taking activities, and 

chances to learn from experience.

Another important change in the adolescent brain relates 

to the strengthening of the connections between cells 

(synapses). To become more efficient, the brain builds 

strength in the areas where teens focus their energy and 

may lose capacity in areas used less often (Jim Casey 

Youth Opportunities Initiative, 2011). As such, how your 

teen spends his or her time now can have long-term 

effects.1

While adoption itself may not significantly affect brain 

development, early life experiences do. Prenatal exposure 

to drugs or alcohol, early childhood neglect, and trauma 

can slow or change the way the brain develops. For 

example, the brain of a teen who has experienced trauma 

may become “wired” to expect a lack of support, threats 

to safety, and sudden changes. Yet, research tells us that 

the brain can be “rewired” and that ongoing relationships 

with supportive, caring adults can be powerful forces in 

helping the brain readjust (Jim Casey Youth Opportunities 

Initiative, 2011). 

What you can do:

 Expose your teenager to healthy physical, social, 

and cultural activities. Set reasonable limits on 

isolated or passive activities, including time in front of 

a screen or on a digital device. 

 Help youth take positive risks. Encourage youth to 

explore interests and try new things—for example, 

playing an instrument, trying out for a sports team, or 

visiting new places.

 Engage and guide teenagers in planning and 

decision-making. Allow youth to make decisions, set 

priorities, manage tasks, and have some control over 

their lives. Guide them in problem solving and help 

them understand the consequences of their decisions 

and actions.

 If you notice developmental delays or your child 

struggles in school, ask your school or doctor 

for a professional assessment. If an assessment 

reveals that your child has a disability, talk with 

school personnel about developing an Individualized 

Educational Plan (IEP) that will ensure services to 

address your child’s needs. This is important for the 

1 For more information on adolescent brain development and what you 

can do to help the brain grow, see Chamberlain, L. B. (2009). The Amazing 

Teen Brain: What Parents Need to Know. Institute for Safe Families, 

Multiplying Connections, and Advocates for Youth. Available from http://www.

instituteforsafefamilies.org/materials/amazing-brain
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child to feel successful and helps prevent difficult 

behavior at school. Even teens who do not qualify for 

special educational services can be assisted by simple 

changes in the classroom. 

Effects of Trauma 

Many adopted teenagers have experienced some 

degree of trauma. Trauma is an emotional response to an 

intense event that threatens or causes harm. Potentially 

traumatic events include neglect, abuse (physical, sexual, 

or emotional), unpredictable parental behavior, and 

separation from a parent or other important relationships. 

Trauma can affect how children and youth think, feel, 

learn, develop, and interact with others. Untreated 

trauma can interfere with physical, cognitive, emotional, 

and social health and development. Even after youth 

join safe and stable adoptive homes, their earlier world 

views can continue to influence how they think and 

behave. For example, they may have trouble trusting, 

overreact to certain situations, act aggressively, or seem 

to “shut down.” Sometimes, the effects of trauma don’t 

show up until adolescence; other times, the effects that 

previously seemed lessened may reappear. (For more 

information, see Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced 

Trauma at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/

child-trauma.)

What you can do:

 Be available and predictable. Build trust by being 

physically and emotionally available, even if the youth 

tries to keep you at a distance. Spend time together 

in the home. Set consistent routines with your teen’s 

input and discuss expectations.

 Identify trauma triggers. Certain noises, smells, 

actions, etc., may serve as reminders of traumatic 

events. Try to notice what makes your youth anxious, 

and work with him or her to recognize triggers and 

learn how to manage them.

 Let your youth express emotions without being 

judged. Remember that emotional outbursts and 

certain behaviors may be a natural and protective 

response given past experiences. Try to remain calm 

and reassuring.

 Seek professional support, if needed. A traumainformed therapist can help with the healing process. 

(See the section on Seeking Help for Behavioral and 

Mental Health Concerns.)

Identity Formation

Many teenagers struggle with the questions “Who am 

I?” and “Where do I belong?” They must figure out how 

they are similar to, and different from, their parents, other 

family members, and their community. Ultimately, they 

must define their own values, beliefs, educational and 

career paths, and expectations of self. Younger teens may 

start to define a sense of self by “trying on” various roles. 

They often express their individuality through clothing, 

hair, music, and body décor (piercings, tattoos, etc.). 

Expressing how they are “different” from their parents 

can be a healthy part of growing up. 

Teens may start to identify more with peers and less with 

family, often deepening their friendships with peers and 

starting to explore romantic relationships. Some teens 

may be struggling with questions of sexual orientation 

and gender identity and may experience additional 

stressors related to acceptance and disclosure of being 

lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning 

(LGBTQ). 

Adopted teens may question who they are more deeply 

than their nonadopted peers. Forming an identity is more 

complicated for adopted teens because they have two 

sets of parents/families (even if they haven’t met them) 

and must consider their birth family members as they 

figure out who they resemble and how they are different. 

Adopted teens may feel that parts of their identity are 

missing and may want to know more about their birth 

family. Unknown or missing information may prevent 

them from knowing the source of certain characteristics 

or abilities. They may worry that they will take on certain 

characteristics or repeat behaviors of a birth parent. 

Teens whose race or ethnic background is unknown, or 

whose race or ethnicity is different from their adoptive 

parents, may feel they do not fully belong in their family or 

community. They may have a particularly strong interest 

in meeting or spending time with birth family members or 

others of a similar race or ethnic background.
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On top of the challenges and issues of identity 

formation in relation to their adoption, adopted teens 

are also going through the normal physical changes and 

challenges of adolescent sexual development and sexual 

identity formation. During adolescence, youth are often 

concerned with how their bodies are changing and how 

they will look in the future (Smith, Howard, & Monroe, 

2000), and adopted teens must consider birth family 

members as they figure out who they resemble and how 

they are different. Questions regarding sexual orientation 

and gender identity can add an extra layer of confusion 

for adopted teens working through identity issues.

What you can do:

 Talk to your teenager about his or her birth 

parents. Be open and willing to explain what you 

know about his or her birth family. This can help keep 

teens from forming unrealistic fantasies, lessen anxiety 

about their history, and build trust with you (Keefer 

& Schooler, 2000); however, be aware of your child’s 

individual circumstances, developmental level, and 

ability to take in the information. If your teen does not 

have an open relationship with birth family members, 

help him or her learn more. (See the section on 

Communicating and Building Relationships With Birth 

Family Members.) Provide information about the birth 

family’s cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds. 

Share photos, if available.

 Develop a lifebook. If your son or daughter does not 

already have a lifebook or similar tool that records 

personal history, key events, and important people in 

his or her life, now is the time to help create one. Some 

adopted teens make creative photo-essays, videos, 

or blogs to tell their stories. (For more information on 

lifebooks, visit https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/lifebooks/.)21

 Support youth in building a deeper understanding 

of their heritage. Connect youth to cultural, ethnic, 

and spiritual activities. (For resources related to 

transracial or transcultural parenting, see https://

2 Two lifebooks designed especially for teens and with teen input are Build 

Your Own Roots and Records Book (at http://www.ilrinc.com/products/secure_

store_item/build_your_own_roots_and_records_1_-_19_copies/) and A Teen 

Foster Adoption Lifebook: For When I’m Famous (at http://www.amazon.com/

Teen-Foster-Adoption-Lifebook-Famous/dp/0970183291).

www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adoptive/

adoption-by-family-type/transracial/.)

 Provide opportunities to interact with other 

adopted teens and young adults. This helps make 

the adoptive experience and identity seem more 

normal. Look for an adoption support group or 

mentorship program that includes members with the 

same racial, cultural, or national background as your 

son or daughter. (To find support groups for adoptive 

youth, check with your adoption agency or search the 

National Foster Care & Adoption Directory at http://

www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad/).

 Point out the similarities between yourself and 

your adopted children. Feeling that they are like their 

adoptive parents in some ways may help strengthen 

teens’ attachment to their families. A strong 

attachment can help them to feel safe as they enter 

the adult world. Find activities and interests to share 

together in order to bond and reinforce ways in which 

you’re alike.

 Talk openly about intimacy and sexuality with 

your teenager. Communicate your values on 

dating, sex, and relationships. Talk about what it 

takes to develop and maintain healthy relationships. 

Educate youth about abstinence, safe sex, and birth 

control. The U.S. Department of Health and Human 

Services’ website offers information on talking to 

your teens about sex and healthy relationships 

at http://www.healthfinder.gov/HealthTopics/

Category/parenting/healthy-communication-andrelationships/talk-to-your-kids-about-sex and http://

www.healthfinder.gov/HealthTopics/Category/

parenting/healthy-communication-and-relationships/

talk-with-your-teen-about-healthy-relationships. 

 Support and affirm LGBTQ youth in expressing 

who they are. Promote healthy development and 

self-esteem. For information and resources, see 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/systemwide/

diverse-populations/lgbtq/.
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Independence

All teenagers must separate emotionally from their 

families. This can be both exciting and scary. Teens often 

go back and forth between wanting more freedom and 

wanting the safety and protection offered by their family. 

Adopted teens, especially those adopted as older 

children, may fear leaving the security of the home and 

family. As they prepare to leave for college or live on 

their own, they may question their place in the family. 

Separation may feel like abandonment and trigger 

emotions associated with the loss of birth parents. 

Some teens may adapt by acting more mature, more 

independent, or “tougher” than they feel to cope with 

fears. Some may become less interested in being away 

from home, even for short periods of time.

Teens with different histories may have different needs. 

Adopted children who have experienced previous neglect 

or abuse often need extra time and practice to adapt 

to independence and learn life skills. Newly adopted 

adolescents face the task of establishing themselves in 

the family at a time when normal development would 

have them pushing away. These teens may need to spend 

more quality time with parents to build their attachment 

and security in the family.

What you can do:

 Set consistent, clear limits and boundaries while 

allowing some independence. Let teens work 

through their normal adolescent developmental stages 

and assert some independence within a nurturing 

and guiding environment. For example, look for 

opportunities to show acceptance for how they dress 

and their choice in music.

 Allow for a gradual increase in your teen’s 

independence as he or she shows signs of 

readiness. Ask your youth if he or she feels ready for 

specific responsibilities or privileges. Remember that 

teens who have experienced trauma and/or who have 

attachment issues may not be ready for responsibilities 

at the same time as other teens their age. If your teen 

is not yet ready for certain responsibilities, make it a 

goal to work toward them.

 Give your teen a voice in decisions. Teenagers who 

feel heard and respected are more likely to cooperate 

with family rules. This is particularly important for teens 

who may have come from situations where they felt 

powerless.

 Clearly state your values regarding alcohol, drugs, 

and other risky behaviors, and emphasize healthy 

lifestyle choices. If your teen came from a birth family 

where substance abuse was a problem, be aware 

that he or she may be at greater risk for experiencing 

a variety of negative outcomes. (To learn more, see 

Parental Substance Use and the Child Welfare System

at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/

parentalsubabuse/ .) 

 Reaffirm a young adult’s place in your family. As 

adopted youth get ready to leave for college or move 

out on their own, reach out and let them know that 

you will be expecting them at the holidays and family 

gatherings. Stay in touch through texts, phone calls, 

or email to remind them that even while they are living 

apart, they are still a central part of your family.

Communicating With Your Teenager 

About Adoption

Many adopted teenagers wonder about their birth 

families and think about adoption more than most 

parents realize. Parents who are truly comfortable talking 

about adoption can help answer questions and discover 

information about their teen’s past. Children are best 

served by parents who talk about adoption from the 

youngest ages with openness and in a matter-of-fact way. 

Don’t wait for your teen to raise the topics of adoption 

and his or her birth family. Some children never raise the 

subject for fear of offending their adoptive parents, even 

though they would like to talk about it. Others may act 

disinterested, when in reality they want more information.

Adoptive parents often struggle with sharing difficult 

information about their child’s birth circumstances, such 

as if the child was abandoned or if the birth parent had 

a criminal history. When their adoptive parents are not 

straightforward in sharing full information, teenagers 

may imagine something even worse than what really 

happened. If information is kept secret, then teens may 
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think it’s shameful. They also may become resentful. 

Withholding information about your teen’s history that 

he or she has a right to know can be harmful to building a 

trusting relationship between the two of you. 

As teenagers develop, they increase their ability to 

understand and consider situations from many viewpoints. 

This is an ideal time for adoptive parents to help their 

sons and daughters make sense of their histories, to come 

to terms with what happened, and to think of their birth 

families with compassion.

Seven Core Issues in Adoption

Since the early 1980s, adoption experts have 

recognized seven lifelong issues experienced by 

adopted children (as well as birth and adoptive 

parents). These include loss, rejection, guilt and 

shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/

control. Be mindful of these issues as you 

communicate with your teenager. Find more 

information at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

topics/adoption/intro/issues/.

What you can do:

 Send clear messages that you’re willing to talk 

about adoption and your teen’s related feelings.

Many adopted youth feel guilty or disloyal for talking 

about their birth parents. If your teen has recently 

received information or developed questions, but is 

not ready to talk right away, make an “appointment” to 

talk and set the date on the calendar.

 Provide full disclosure. As their logical thinking skills 

develop, adopted teens need more details than when 

they were younger. Let teenagers know what you know 

or can discover about their histories and their birth and 

adoption circumstances. Include information that may 

be upsetting or difficult to share, but be sure to help 

teens learn to cope with the painful aspects.

 Help your teenager develop a balanced view 

of his or her birth parents. Limited or one-sided 

information (such as an inability to parent) does not 

allow teens to consider a full picture of their parents’ 

characteristics and experiences. Talk about birth 

parents as complex people with both strengths and 

challenges. If your teenager criticizes a birth parent, 

avoid agreeing, but rather try to offer a more balanced 

perspective.

 Use “teachable moments” as opportunities to 

start discussions. The arrival of a newborn in the 

neighborhood, news about your child’s homeland, or 

even a television show can be the starting point to ask 

your teen about his or her thoughts and feelings.

 Be patient. Communication may be difficult. Teens 

are often known for their one-syllable responses (or 

nonresponses). Not talking may be a part of their 

efforts to separate and gain independence. Avoid 

lengthy, one-sided lectures, and continue to invite 

conversation. It’s often easier for teens to open up 

while engaged in an activity with the parent, even 

something as simple as driving together in the car. If 

parents appear to be calm, relaxed, and open, teens 

are more likely to open up.

 Provide opportunities for your teen to talk to 

others about adoption without you around. An 

adoptive teen group (meeting in person or online), 

other adoptive families with teens, or an adoption 

mentor (an older adopted person) can provide a safe 

outlet for expressing confusion, anger, or sadness.

Communicating and Building 

Relationships With Birth Family 

Members 

We all have a need to know who we are and where we 

come from. Many adopted teens want to know about 

and make contact with birth family members or others 

who share their ethnicity, race, or country of origin. 

An adoptive child’s teenage years are a good time 

for parents to prepare themselves and their youth for 

future searches for birth family members and possible 

reunions, if the youth is not already in an open adoption 

relationship.

Open Adoption

In recent years, open adoption has become increasingly 

common. These are adoptions in which there is some 
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level of contact between an adoptive family, including 

the adopted person, and his or her birth family members. 

Contact may vary from exchanging letters, emails, and 

photos to face-to-face visits, and the type and frequency 

of contact may change over time. 

Trends toward increased openness reflect an increased 

recognition of its benefits for an adopted child or youth. 

Relationships with birth family members help youth to 

develop a deeper understanding of his or her identity, 

establish a sense of “wholeness,” and gain access 

to important genetic and medical information.3

3 Siegel, D., & Smith, S. (2012). Openness in adoption: From secrecy and 

stigma to knowledge and connections. New York, NY: Evan B. Donaldson 

Adoption Institute. Available from http://adoptioninstitute.org/publications/

openness-in-adoption-from-secrecy-and-stigma-to-knowledge-andconnections/

2 (For 

more information, see Openness in Adoption: Building 

Relationships Between Adoptive and Birth Families at 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f-openadopt/.)

The Internet and the explosion of social media sites (e.g., 

Facebook, Instagram) have dramatically increased the 

potential for open adoptions. It is now easier for youth to 

have contact with their birth families. In addition, in cases 

where open relationships were not previously established, 

adopted teens and their birth parents are finding each 

other with amazing speed through social networking 

sites. While connections are being made with relative 

ease, they also may happen without the teen being 

prepared emotionally or having support systems in place, 

and sometimes without the knowledge of the adoptive 

parents.4

4 Howard, J. (2012). Untangling the web: The Internet’s transformative 

impact on adoption. New York, NY: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption 

Institute. Available from http://adoptioninstitute.org/publications/

untangling-the-web-the-internets-transformative-impact-on-adoption/

What you can do:

 If your youth has an open adoption, build healthy 

relationships with your youth’s birth family. Show 

respect for the family members and maintain a genuine 

commitment to staying connected. For a variety of 

reasons, you may prefer to keep some distance from 

birth family members; however, it is important to stay 

focused on what’s in the best interest of your child.

 If your youth does not have an open adoption or 

wants to find additional family members, talk about 

options for learning more. Ask your teen about his or 

her feelings about potential contact with birth relatives. 

This can be a very emotional process. Emphasize the 

importance of being prepared and having support in 

place before starting a search. (See more on Search 

and/or Reunion below.)

 Be familiar with your teen’s social media use. 

Establish Internet rules and provide guidance for safe 

use (e.g., don’t give out identifying information and 

location). Discuss with youth the possibility that a 

birth relative could try to make contact through social 

media, the importance of you knowing about any 

attempts at contact, and the various ways you might 

respond—together.

Search and/or Reunion

As noted above, the desire to search for birth relatives 

is a normal part of identity formation among adopted 

youth. Keep in mind that “search” and “reunion” do not 

have to go together. Some adopted persons want only 

to search for the identities of birth relatives. Not all want 

to take the next step of contacting and meeting those 

family members. Still others may want to meet their birth 

relatives, but aren’t necessarily interested in an ongoing 

relationship.

What you can do:

 Gather information about conducting a search. 

Adoption agencies may have resources and services 

for assisting adopted persons in locating birth family 

members. The Internet and online registries can be 

helpful. For more detailed guidance, visit the Search 

and Reunion section of the Child Welfare Information 

Gateway website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

adoption/search.

 Prepare youth for a range of reactions. If there has 

not been prior or ongoing contact with the birth family, 

help your teen recognize the possibility that the birth 

family member may not want to be contacted and/

or may need time to adjust to the idea. It also may be 

possible that a birth parent is interested in an ongoing 

3
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relationship, while the teen only wants to meet. In 

addition, youth adopted from foster care may imagine 

that their birth family members have changed since 

they entered care. They should be prepared for the 

fact that their birth family members may still be facing 

ongoing challenges (e.g., they abuse drugs, they are in 

a violent relationship).

 Provide guidance around contact with birth family 

members. Stress the importance of moving slowly in 

the process of getting to know one another. Set limits, 

if needed, regarding visits and roles. Professional 

adoption workers may be able to provide assistance. 

 Find support for you and your teen. You and your 

teen may benefit from learning about other people’s 

experiences with search and reunion, for example 

through search support groups for adopted persons 

and adoptive parent support groups. (To find groups in 

your State, search the National Foster Care & Adoption 

Directory at https://www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad/.) 

Because searches can trigger deep emotions, you and 

your teen may want to talk with a counselor or therapist 

with experience in adoption. Adopted persons may 

be afraid of hurting their parents when they search for 

their birth family. Your love and support will be very 

important if and when your son or daughter is ready to 

take this step. 

Helping Your Teenager Communicate 

With Others About Adoption

Being adopted can affect a teen’s peer interactions. While 

teens are capable of sophisticated understanding and 

discussions about adoption, they can be quite narrow in 

their judgments. Some teens may believe that “giving 

up” a baby for adoption is wrong, for example. Similarly, 

people who have no personal experience with adoption 

can unintentionally make hurtful comments. A teen whose 

adoptive status is obvious due to being of a different race 

or ethnicity from his or her family may encounter innocent 

questions or even judgmental comments from peers. 

Adoption issues may also arise in the context of school, 

where the majority of teens’ peer relationships occur. As 

they age, it becomes the responsibility of the teens to 

decide if they want to bring up the subject of adoption in 

their classes.

What you can do:

 Prepare your teen for talking about adoption. Help 

teens anticipate potential questions and practice how 

they could respond, especially if your son or daughter 

is newly adopted. Ask teens if they want coaching on 

how to talk with teachers about including adoption in 

the curriculum (for example, in genetics or family life 

classes). 

 Help your teen understand that personal family 

information does not have to be shared. He or she 

should decide in advance what and how much to tell. 

Having a prepared “cover story” (a version of his or 

her story that is true, but very limited in detail, to use 

when they do not choose to share more personal 

information) is not dishonest; it is learning to set 

healthy boundaries about how much and with whom to 

share. For example, “My first parents couldn’t take care 

of me, so now I live with my new parents.”

 Help your child avoid being a “spokesperson” for 

adoption, unless he or she wants and is prepared 

for that role. Some adopted students take great pride 

in researching and writing about adoption or making 

class presentations. Your teen should feel free to say, 

“I don’t know about that” or “I’m not an adoption 

expert,” when asked general questions about 

adoption.

Effective Discipline

As teenagers assert their emerging identities and 

independence, they frequently will test the boundaries of 

family rules. While navigating peer pressures, they may 

experiment with risky or forbidden activities. Be clear 

and consistent about your expectations for youth and set 

reasonable limits (e.g., curfews). Talk openly about safety 

issues. At the same time, allow your teen to make choices 

and to see that you have trust in him or her to make 

good decisions. Look for positive discipline approaches 

that emphasize strengthening your relationship and 
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supporting independence within a nurturing atmosphere 

of guidance and structure.54

5 See, for example, Durrant, J. (2013). Positive discipline in everyday 

parenting. Sweden: Save the Children. Available from http://

www.frp.ca/document/docWindow.cfm?fuseaction=document.

viewDocument&documentid=1147&documentFormatId=1978

Adopted teens, particularly those who were recently 

adopted or who were previously abused or neglected, 

require discipline practices that emphasize relationship 

building and support attachment and trust. Use discipline 

to help teach acceptable behavior, and reinforce positive 

behavior as often as possible. Some punishment can 

trigger trauma memories, create anxiety, lessen trust, 

and cause further harm. In addition, discipline must 

be appropriate for the teen’s prior experiences and 

developmental level. For example, an adopted teenager 

who has experienced severe neglect may not respond 

well to the removal of his or her valued belongings. 

Requiring a youth who has attachment issues to go to 

his or her room may not be as helpful as having that teen 

work alongside you to complete a household chore. If 

your child struggles with peer relationships or low selfesteem, it is not wise to remove an activity (such as a 

youth group or sport) that provides an opportunity for 

growth in these areas.

What you can do:

 Focus on attachment and relationship building. 

Create avenues of open communication and support 

that build trust and a strong relationship.

 Encourage and reinforce good behavior. Point out 

things that your youth does right as often as possible, 

more than you point out the things you don’t approve 

of.

 Be specific. Don’t tell teens to be home “at a 

reasonable hour”; instead, tell them exactly what time 

you expect them in the door. 

 Give your teen a voice. Ask your teen to help set 

reasonable rules and resolve issues. For example, ask 

“What can we do to help you remember to clean up 

the kitchen after you’ve used it?” Being invited into 

the problem-solving process shows your respect for 

your teen and motivates him or her to be part of the 

solution. If you find out that your teen has broken 

a family rule (e.g., attended a party with no adult 

supervision), listen to his or her explanation, yet be 

clear about limits and your concerns for his or her 

safety. 

 Match discipline to the teen’s abilities. Match your 

expectations to your teen’s developmental stage. 

In addition, while use of logical consequences can 

sometimes discourage undesirable behaviors (e.g., 

limiting video game time in response to inappropriate 

behavior), it’s not practical for a teen who has 

difficulties seeing the connection between actions 

and consequences. Also, tying incentives to shortterm rewards (allowing use of the car if they keep their 

grades up) may be more powerful than long-term 

goals (studying for college).

 Stay calm. A teen’s emotions can be overwhelming 

and prompt challenging behaviors. Be a role model in 

how you deal with frustration. When emotions “heat 

up,” stay composed and resist the urge to yell. If you 

need to take a few moments to yourself to calm down, 

then do so. Reassure the teen that he or she is safe 

and cared for. Once anger has lessened, discuss the 

situation calmly.

Preparing Your Teenager for 

Adulthood

 An important part of parenting teenagers is creating 

the conditions in which they can master adult tasks and 

take on greater independence. Teenagers need time to 

gradually learn and practice adult life skills and will need 

ongoing support systems to negotiate the adult world. 

Adopted teens may need extra time and encouragement 

to learn adult tasks. They may not be ready for adult 

responsibilities at the same age as their peers. 

Additionally, teens who have experienced unstable living 

situations may not be emotionally ready to live away from 

their families, even if they are developmentally able. Some 

may choose to live at home and attend a local community 

college rather than go away to a university. Teens with 

learning delays or disabilities will require extra time and 

effort to learn adult life skills. They may need to find 
Parenting Your Adopted Teenager https://www.childwelfare.gov

10

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parent-teenager/.

alternatives and adjustment for certain life skills, such as 

driving. 

What you can do:

 Teach your teens adult life skills. Provide varied 

opportunities for youth to learn about and practice 

daily living activities such as balancing a checkbook, 

cooking, doing laundry, making medical appointments 

and filling prescriptions, maintaining a car, etc. 

 Look into available services. If you adopted your 

child as a teen, check to see about eligibility for any 

of your State’s Independent Living services. (For 

more information, see https://www.childwelfare.gov/

outofhome/independent/.) Check with your teen’s 

school about transition services the district may 

provide.

 Promote ongoing, supportive relationships. Few 

young adults are ready for fully “independent” living. 

Your teen will need continued assistance and guidance 

from you, other relatives, mentors, etc. Even after your 

young adult moves out of your home, you can help him 

or her feel less overwhelmed by providing emotional 

and tangible support—perhaps by helping paint a 

new apartment, showing up with a care package of 

groceries, or giving tips on filling out tax forms. 

 Be clear with your teen about limits and 

expectations for how you will help him or her move 

into adult life. For example, young adults need to 

know how long they can live at home and whether 

or not their parents will help them with college 

tuition, rent, health insurance, etc. Base your support 

and expectations on your youth’s abilities, level of 

emotional security, and history—and not on his or 

her age. If you feel it is time for your child to move 

out, be sure to help him or her find suitable housing, 

employment, or schooling, as the young adult may feel 

overwhelmed.

 Explore assistance for skills that are not 

manageable. Your family is the best judge of when 

your teenager is ready to partially or fully manage adult 

tasks (driving, living alone, etc.).

 Advocate for services for youth with disabilities.

Under Federal law (the Individuals with Disabilities 

Education Act), by the time a special education 

student reaches age 16, the school must provide a plan 

that may include help in obtaining further education, 

getting a job, or living independently. Talk with the 

school’s “transition coordinator” about your teen’s 

transition plan and available services. 

Seeking Help for Behavioral and 

Mental Health Concerns

For many adopted persons, growing up in an adoptive 

family involves some challenging emotions. Adoption 

issues, such as feelings of loss and grief, may appear 

and reappear throughout an adopted person’s life. 

Talking with a counselor or therapist who is skilled with 

adolescents and knowledgeable about adoption issues 

can be helpful. Having an adopted peer who is a good 

role model, a mentor, or a teen adoption support group 

to talk to and share experiences with can also be valuable.

Adolescence is a time when behavioral or mental health 

issues may surface, including some with genetic links. 

Having a birth parent with a mental illness, such as 

depression or bipolar disorder, does not mean that your 

son or daughter will develop this condition, but he or she 

may be at risk. It’s important to remember that it can be 

common for teens to behave in ways that challenge their 

parents; parents shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the 

youth has inherited his or her birth family’s behavioral/

mental health issues.

For some youth, inner turmoil may lead to risky behaviors, 

and some adopted teens may be at increased risk for a 

variety of negative outcomes due to previous abuse or 

neglect. Depression, anxiety, or relationship problems 

might indicate a response to trauma. Childhood trauma 

does not resolve itself; it needs to be treated by a 

qualified, trauma-informed behavioral/mental health 

provider.

What you can do:

 Be aware of signs that can indicate your teen needs 

help. (See the box on page 11 for more information.) 

Seek a professional opinion from your doctor or a 

mental health professional.
Parenting Your Adopted Teenager https://www.childwelfare.gov

 Find the right person to help. Adoption support 

groups, postadoption programs, and other adoptive 

parents can provide referrals for mental health 

professionals. Look for a therapist or counselor 

who has experience working with youth and is 

knowledgeable about adoption. The professional 

should understand any special needs your teen might 

have (attachment issues, medical conditions, learning 

disabilities, etc.) and make it clear to your teen that he 

or she is not “the problem.” (For more information, 

see Selecting and Working With a Therapist Skilled 

in Adoption at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f-therapist/.)

Signs and Symptoms That Youth 

May Need Professional Help 

 Extreme moods or emotions. The teenager is: 

○ Angry, sad, or depressed much of the time

○ Extremely fearful or anxious

○ Withdrawn or completely lacking energy

 Risky or out-of-control behaviors, including: 

○ Self injury

○ Harmful sexual activity

○ Eating disorders

○ Drug and/or alcohol use or abuse

 Anger management or relationship problems. 

The teenager: 

○ Shows extreme anger or aggression with

peers

○ Finds family interactions stressful

○ Avoids family members and friends

○ Has inappropriate peer relationships

○ Has no friends (is a “loner”)

Summary

Parenting an adopted teenager is not without challenges. 

These may include navigating the youth’s need for greater 

independence while offering continued supervision, 

guidance, and support. It can also be a greatly rewarding 

experience as the young person strengthens his or her 

identity and develops new capabilities. Most youth move 

out of the turbulent teen years and become positive 

members of society.

Parents who show respect for their teens’ histories 

and birth families will help create long-lasting, positive 

relationships with their sons and daughters. With clear 

communication, trust, and support, parents can help their 

teenagers prepare for healthy, happy, and productive 

adulthoods.

References

Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Initiative. (2011). The 

adolescent brain: New research and its implications for 

young people transitioning from foster care. Retrieved 

from http://www.jimcaseyyouth.org/sites/default/files/

documents/The%20Adolescent%20Brain_prepress_

proof%5B1%5D.pdf

Keefer, B., & Schooler, J. E. (2000). Telling the truth to 

your adopted or foster child: Making sense of the past. 

Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey. 

Smith, S., Howard, J., & Monroe, A. (2000). Issues 

underlying behavior problems in at-risk adopted 

children. Children and Youth Services Review, 22(7), 

539–562.

Suggested citation: 

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2015). Parenting your 

adopted teenager. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of 

Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 

Administration for Children and Families 

Administration on Children, Youth and Families

Children’s Bureau