Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS

800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov

FACTSHEET 

FOR FAMILIES

January 2015

WHAT’S INSIDE

Understanding the 

impact of adoption on a 

child’s development

Communicating about 

adoption

Disciplining effectively 

Improving your child’s 

school experience

Seeking help for mental 

health concerns

Summary

Parenting Your Adopted 

School-Age Child 

School-age children—those between the ages of 

6 and 12—learn critical skills and gain interests 

that carry into adolescence and adulthood. 

Adoption can add layers of complexity to their 

developmental tasks. Adoptive parents can best 

support their children by learning as much as 

they can about child development and by being 

aware of how adoption may influence their child’s 

emotional growth.

This factsheet is designed to help you understand 

and respond to your adopted school-age child’s 

developmental needs. It provides simple, 

practical strategies you can use to foster healthy 

development, including approaches for building 

attachment; addressing trauma, grief, and loss; 

talking honestly with your child about adoption; 

acknowledging his or her adoptive history; using 

effective discipline; and enhancing your child’s 

school experience. Because some adoptive families 

will need extra support to address their children’s 

mental or behavioral health needs, the factsheet 

also discusses when and how to seek help. 
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Find other resources about adoption and child 

development on the Child Welfare Information Gateway 

website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/

adopt-parenting/stages.

Understanding the Impact of Adoption 

on a Child’s Development

It is important for parents to understand the typical 

tasks and needs of school-age children, as well as 

how adoption-related experiences may affect their 

development. Knowing what to expect will help you meet 

your child’s needs, strengthen your relationship, and 

identify important emotional or physical concerns.

There is a lot of information available about typical growth 

and development patterns for school-age children; the 

sections that follow address issues specifically related to 

adoption, their potential effects on child development 

and school experiences, and ways that you can help your 

child meet these challenges. It is important to remember 

that not all of these issues apply to all adopted children, 

nor are children’s issues always related to adoption; 

personal histories and experiences vary greatly from child 

to child. 

The National Library of Medicine provides a brief 

overview of the typical developmental tasks of schoolage children (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/

article/002017.htm).

The Importance of Attachment

Attachment refers to the emotional connection that 

develops between an infant and a reliable primary 

caregiver. This process is important for all aspects of a 

child’s later development. Attachment is the basis for 

trust, and healthy attachment occurs when a primary 

caregiver consistently provides emotional essentials 

such as warm touch, movement, eye contact, soft voices, 

and smiles, as well as the basic necessities such as food, 

shelter, and clothing. A healthy primary attachment 

teaches young children that their needs will be met and 

that they are loved. This attachment frees a child to 

explore, play, learn, and develop relationships.

If the attachment process is disrupted, the child may 

not develop the secure base needed for healthy 

development. Factors that may prevent healthy 

attachment include early years spent in orphanages or 

large group homes, multiple moves from caregiver to 

caregiver, invasive or painful medical procedures, sudden 

or traumatic separation from the mother, hospitalization 

at critical developmental periods, neglect, sexual or 

physical abuse, prenatal alcohol or drug exposure, and 

neurological problems.

A school-age child with insecure attachment might 

experience anxiety when away from home or even show 

developmental delays (see section on Developmental 

Delays) or traits of a younger child. You can help your 

your child by interacting with him or her in a way that 

is consistent with the child’s developmental age, not 

chronological age. When you interact with children at the 

level of their emotional and physical development, you 

help them grow and improve and repair attachment. 

A skilled adoption counselor or professional also can 

help you and your child strengthen your attachment 

to each other by offering therapy that encourages 

gentle connection such as eye contact and nurturing 

behaviors. Be sure to avoid “attachment therapies” that 

use questionable techniques such as physical restraint, 

isolation, or placing children in residential care without 

involving their families. 

Attachment runs along a continuum; most children with 

insecure attachments do not have the most severe form 

of attachment disorder, called Reactive Attachment 

Disorder. Be wary of therapists who are quick to use that 

terminology or diagnosis.

What you can do:

Provide a safe and secure environment with a focus on 

predictable routines and schedules. 

 Commit to one-to-one parent/child time. Talk to and 

play with your child every day, even if only for a few 

minutes. 

 Make eye contact and smile before you address your 

child.
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Play board games or find other creative ways (such as 

face painting) that puts you eye-to-eye with your child.

 Offer gentle words of encouragement and praise as 

often as possible. Place notes with kind messages in 

lunch boxes, and leave small surprises for after school.

Find developmentally appropriate ways to have 

physical contact (hugs, combing hair, kneading dough 

together, cuddling while watching TV). 

 Engage your child in planning future events, to show 

that you plan to be together in the future. 

 Speak positively about birth parents and other 

caregivers from the child’s past so your child doesn’t 

feel shame. 

 Make your children feel valued at every opportunity.

Be playful and laugh together.

Nurture, nurture, nurture! You cannot “spoil” a child 

with affection and care.

For more information about the importance of 

attachment, visit the Attachment section of the 

Information Gateway website at https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/can/impact/development/attachment.

Base Interactions on Developmental Needs, Not Chronological Age

If your child came from an institution or an abusive or neglectful family situation, he or she may not have 

learned some important things, such as communicating with others or expressing feelings appropriately. 

Playing with other children, taking turns, or just having fun may be new experiences. As a result, your child 

may need time to catch up to children in the same age group. If English is not the child’s first language, he or 

she may have added delays and challenges. 

You can help your child overcome such lags by using parenting strategies based on your child’s 

developmental level, not on his or her age. For example, a 7-year-old child may need the bedtime routine 

of a 3-year-old. A 12-year-old may need to learn how to get along in a group of two or three friends before 

he or she is ready to join a larger group activity. A child who is socially behind may play better with younger 

children. Encourage that (with supervision). Playing with younger children will give your child a sense of 

confidence and teach empathy and helpfulness.

Allowing your child to learn at his or her own pace is crucial. Although others may feel you are “babying” your 

older child, you are simply helping him learn what he has missed. Some older children may need to learn tasks 

the way a younger child would. Break tasks down into small, manageable steps, so that your child will feel a 

sense of success and accomplishment. Let progress be guided by your child’s readiness to move on to the 

next developmental level.
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Social and Emotional Impacts

During elementary school, children form a stronger sense 

of who they are. Much of that identity comes from their 

relationships with family and other people. For adopted 

children, developing an identity is more complicated. 

They must merge two separate families and histories as 

they decide how they fit in. 

In middle childhood, many adopted children struggle with 

issues of self-worth, self-esteem, and feeling “different.” 

Some may have difficulty with social relationships outside 

the family. These emotional challenges can interfere with 

concentration and distract children from schoolwork. 

Children with these struggles may appear to be less 

capable than they truly are.

In addition, children who did not spend enough time 

with emotionally healthy adults when they were younger 

may have difficulty understanding, controlling, and 

expressing their emotions. Those who were adopted 

from orphanages or group care settings may not have 

had many opportunities to see or practice healthy social 

interactions.

What you can do:

Teach your child the words for various feelings. Explain 

how to handle and express emotions in a healthy way.

Be a positive example to your child as you express 

emotions. (“I feel so angry right now, I think I’ll take a 

walk until I cool down.”)

Teach your child how to interact with others. Practice 

how to greet a playmate, how to ask for something, 

how to share.

 Coach your child on how to see things from another 

person’s point of view. (“I wonder how Sammy felt 

when no one chose him for their team.”) This helps 

children develop empathy.

Effects of Trauma

Many adopted children have experienced some degree 

of trauma. Trauma is an emotional response to an intense 

event that threatens or causes harm. Potentially traumatic 

events include abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional), 

neglect, unpredictable parental behavior due to addiction 

or mental illness, or being separated from loved ones. 

Exposure to trauma can affect how children learn, think, 

feel, and interact, and it may have consequences for their 

health and development that persist even after they join 

safe and stable adoptive homes. 

The experience of multiple traumatic events over time 

can result in the development of challenging habits or 

behaviors (for example, hoarding food, fighting, distrust 

of adults). Keep in mind that these behaviors may have 

helped your child survive a dangerous situation. As your 

child feels safer and more comfortable, his or her behavior 

will improve. 

This will take time. In the meantime, parenting a 

traumatized child can be difficult and can put a strain on 

other relationships. It can also trigger what is known as 

“secondary trauma” (or “vicarious trauma”) in parents. 

Symptoms of secondary trauma may be physical 

(headaches, stomachaches, lack of energy), behavioral 

(increased drinking or smoking, avoiding others), 

emotional (anxiety, depression, loneliness), or mental 

(inability to concentrate or make decisions).

What you can do:

Treat trauma as early as possible. Some families do 

not learn about their child’s trauma history until after 

the adoption is finalized because children may not feel 

comfortable disclosing what happened to them until 

they feel safe. If you see signs of trauma at any age, 

don’t hesitate to seek help from a trauma-informed 

therapist.

 Identify trauma triggers. Situations that result in 

extreme behavior may remind your child of the trauma 

in some way. Help your child avoid triggers until more 

healing occurs.

 Build trust by being available, consistent, and 

predictable. Remain calm, and avoid physical 

punishment.

 Help your child learn to relax. Teach skills like slow 

breathing and listening to calming music. For some 

children, fidget toys or movement will be more helpful 

for calming down.
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 Encourage self-esteem. Giving children 

developmentally appropriate choices allows them 

a sense of control. Positive experiences (such as 

mastering a new skill or helping others) help children 

recover.

Don’t lose hope. Children can and do heal from 

trauma.

Watch for signs of secondary trauma. Take good 

care of yourself so that you can take good care of your 

child. Take breaks from caregiving to renew yourself, 

keep up with hobbies, and see friends. If your child’s 

trauma becomes a constant source of grief for you, it 

may be time to seek help.

For more information, read Parenting a Child Who Has 

Experienced Trauma (https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/factsheets/child-trauma). Parents whose children 

experienced sexual abuse may find more specific 

guidance in Parenting a Child Who Has Been Sexually 

Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents (https://

www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f-abused).

Developmental Delays

All children develop at their own pace, but some adopted 

children may experience true developmental delays—a 

significant, persistent lag in one or more skill areas. Such 

delays can be caused by genetic factors (such as Down 

syndrome) or environmental factors (including exposure 

to alcohol or other drugs during pregnancy, trauma, 

neglect, or insecure attachment). In some cases, it is 

difficult to know what caused a developmental delay. 

Children learn skills and develop at different rates, so 

don’t worry if your child is slightly behind peers in one or 

two areas. Also, learning a second language or adjusting 

to a new culture may create temporary delays. While many 

children will catch up developmentally, others will not.

What you can do:

 Ask your school or doctor for a professional 

assessment if you notice: 

○ Significant lags in many developmental areas

○ Learning difficulties

○ Loss of previous skills

Extreme behavior

Signs of sensory difficulties, such as extreme 

reactions to touch, light, sounds, or motion, or the 

need for constant stimulation or touch

Access screening and other resources through 

Medicaid’s Early and Periodic Screening, Diagnostic, 

and Treatment (EPSDT) service, if available to your 

family (http://www.medicaid.gov/Medicaid-CHIPProgram-Information/By-Topics/Benefits/Early-andPeriodic-Screening-Diagnostic-and-Treatment.html). 

 

Focus on building and maintaining a strong 

foundation of attachment with your child (see earlier 

section, The Importance of Attachment).

Join a support group, in person or online, for 

adoptive parents or other parents of children 

who have your child’s specific disability. 

For a list of organizations that provide 

information about children with special 

needs, see https://www.childwelfare.gov/

organizations/?CWIGFunctionsaction=rols:main.

dspROL&rolType=Subject&SUBJID=3.

Inform your child’s teacher and school about his or her 

condition. Provide specific information about how the 

delay or disability affects your child’s ability to succeed 

in school. Advocate for school personnel to work with 

you to develop an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) 

that will ensure special education services or other 

accommodations to address your child’s needs.

Provide homework assistance or tutoring if needed. 

Some delays are not apparent right away and may show 

up later. Don’t assume that doctors and teachers know 

your child best, because often it is parents who notice 

disabilities before professionals do. If you are not satisfied 

with the assessment of a doctor or school psychologist 

and feel that further investigation is warranted, find other 

professionals who can assess your child’s strengths and 

weaknesses, and be prepared to advocate for your child. 

If the school administration is not helpful, you may want 
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to contact the school board. In all cases, keep records 

of all meetings and decisions, and keep copies of all 

professional assessments and reports. Parental help is key 

to a child’s future success! 

Communicating About Adoption

Parents who feel good about adoption, are comfortable 

talking about it, and can openly acknowledge their child’s 

feelings are best able to help their children do the same. 

Parents who tense up when the topic is raised or who 

keep it a secret may send the message that something 

is wrong with being adopted. This section presents tips 

for communicating about adoption and recognizing your 

child’s history in a positive way. For more information, see 

the Talking About Adoption section of the Child Welfare 

Information Gateway website at https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/talking.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Talk openly and honestly with your school-age child 

about adoption. However, be aware of the words you use. 

Consider the following word choices–

Use: Instead of:

Birth or first mother, 

father, family

Real or natural mother, 

father, family 

We could not have a child 

born to us.

We could not have our 

own child.

They were not able to 

take care of a child (or any 

child) at that time.

Your birth parents were 

not able to take care of 

you.

Intercountry adoption Foreign adoption

Your birth family (or the

judge) made a plan for

you to be adopted.

They gave you up for 

adoption.

Think about how your words might be understood by 

your child. Many adoptive parents try to build their 

child’s self-esteem by saying things that may seem 

positive but that can be misinterpreted. For example: 

○ “Your birth mom gave you up for adoption because 

she loved you so much.” A child may start to wonder 

if the adoptive parents also will send him or her 

away because of their love. 

○ “You are very lucky to be adopted.” Adopted 

children should not be expected to be grateful 

to have a family or to be cared for. This can lead 

to a self-esteem issue (i.e., Why do other children 

deserve families but I have to be grateful to have 

one?)

○ “We chose to adopt you—you are special.” 

Adoptees may later realize the loss that is implied 

by being “chosen” (they first had to be “unchosen”).

 Do not sugarcoat the adoption experience. Doing so 

denies children the support they need as they grieve 

their unique losses. For example, talking only about 

how wonderful it was for your child to be adopted 

ignores the fact that gaining your family also means 

losing the experience of being raised with the birth 

family. In order to heal, a child must first be allowed to 

grieve and be angry.

 Practice talking about adoption in an adoptive parent 

support group or with others in your support network, 

and let them give you feedback. 

Handle Difficult Information Sensitively

Adoptive parents often try to protect their children from 

the more painful aspects of their histories. You may 

wonder what to tell and what to hold back from your child. 

Here are some guidelines that can help: 

 Decide how and when to share difficult information, 

not if, because children deserve the truth. Your child is 

likely to find out eventually and has a right to his or her 

own history. You are the best person to give your child 

the facts and to help him or her understand them. 

 Do not force your child to talk about the past if he or 

she is not ready, but remain open and available for 

when the time is right.

 State the truth simply. Do not tell your child details that 

might be too complex for him or her to understand. 

Many details are too traumatic for young children, so 

more information can be given as your child develops 
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and is able to handle more. A professional can guide 

you in this process.

Present the facts about your child’s history or birth 

family without judgment or criticism. Realize that 

adoptive children identify with their birth parents 

even if they have no contact with them or memory of 

them. Criticism of a birth parent will at some point be 

reflected in how the child feels about him- or herself. 

 Offer an alternate viewpoint if your child criticizes his or 

her birth parents (“Your mom was a victim herself” or 

“Your dad was too young to make good judgments”). 

However, resist the temptation to make up information 

or put a better spin on your child’s history. Be sure to 

explain that caseworkers and other professionals may 

have tried to help your child’s birth parents, but that 

change was not possible. This may help alleviate anger 

that children may feel about being removed from his or 

her birth family.

 Help your child understand that the choices and 

mistakes birth family members made have no bearing 

on your child’s value. Explain that the actions of that 

adult do not mean that they didn’t care for the child. 

Reassure your child that he or she has the power make 

choices and find happiness.

Honor Your Child’s Past

Find ways to acknowledge and show respect for your 

child’s birth parents and birth family members. Your 

child’s attachment to you is strengthened by your show of 

respect for the family he or she came from.

Take the initiative by talking about birth families and 

prior caregivers: “I bet your birth mother is thinking 

about you today,” or “I wonder if you miss the people 

who took care of you before you came here.” Avoid 

statements that may arouse a child’s sense of concern 

for his or her birth parents’ welfare (e.g., “I bet she 

misses you so much”).

Create a “lifebook” together that records your child’s 

personal history through pictures, objects, news 

clippings, and other memorabilia that have a personal 

meaning. Use the book to help your child understand 

more about his or her history and to continue to 

process losses at each developmental stage. (Be aware 

that sometimes photos and mementos can bring up 

pain and loss and cause temporary acting out.) For 

more information on lifebooks, see the Lifebooks 

section of the Child Welfare Information Gateway 

website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/lifebooks.

 If possible, encourage safe, developmentally 

appropriate contact with the birth family and others 

from your child’s past. (See box on Openness.) Such 

contact helps adopted children understand their 

history and promotes identity development, selfesteem, and attachment to the adoptive family.

Show your interest in finding as much information 

about your child’s past as you can: 

○ For transracial or transcultural adoptions, help your 

child learn about his or her race or birth country—

its culture, history, language, and current events. 

Participate in events in your child’s community of 

origin, and/or build relationships with adults from 

your child’s racial or ethnic background. 

○ For intercountry adoptions, learn with your child 

about the food, history, and traditional dress of 

his or her country of origin. If possible, develop 

relationships with members of your child’s birth 

country and plan a future family trip to the 

child’s homeland. Many adoption agencies and 

organizations arrange such trips. 

Create adoption rituals. For example:

Some adoptive families honor birth parents and 

grandparents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day 

with special prayers, cards, or candle-lighting 

ceremonies.

○ Adoption anniversaries can be acknowledged with 

special meals or events. 

○ Holidays and significant events of a child’s 

birthplace can be celebrated (for example, the date 

that your child’s country of origin recognizes its own 

independence day, thanksgiving, or the new year). 
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Openness in Adoption

In an open adoption, there is some level of contact with birth family members or previous caregivers. Contact 

can vary, from exchanging letters and photos through a third party (often an agency) to face-to-face visits. For 

more information, see Open Adoption and Contact With Birth Family at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adoptive/before-adoption/openness. 

While birth family connections have always been important, the explosion of social media sites such as 

Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram is quickly and dramatically changing the landscape of postadoption contact 

between birth and adoptive families and adopted youth. It is now far easier—and far more likely—for children 

to have contact with their birth families than in the past. This is true for families who have planned for an open 

adoption as well as those who have not, and for families involved in all types of adoption, including private, 

public, and even intercountry adoptions. In the majority of adoptions, the question of openness is no longer “if,” 

but “when.”

Some tips to consider:

 Recognize that information and photos shared via social media sites are not private. Stay on top of sites’ 

changing privacy policies, and keep in mind that anything you post could be made public.

 Connecting via social media exposes everyone involved to a lot of information about each other’s daily lives. 

This can be positive, but it also can be overwhelming or difficult, especially for children. Setting boundaries 

from the beginning will support a healthier long-term relationship.

 Be especially cautious about posting information about your child’s adoption and birth family on the Internet. 

Your child should learn this information directly from you, at the right time, rather than by searching the 

Internet. Likewise, your child deserves to decide when and how he or she feels comfortable sharing this 

information with others.

 If you receive an unexpected request to connect from a member of your child’s birth family, consider reaching 

out to your agency or an adoption-competent professional for advice and support before responding. A 

professional can help you set safe and comfortable boundaries for contact (including redirecting the birth 

family member to a more private form of communication, if desired).

 As with any extended family relationship, there may be inconveniences and challenges. Handle these with 

sensitivity and respect. Seeing that you value his or her birth relatives or previous caretakers will help your 

child feel better about him- or herself and closer to you.

 Research shows that some adopted youth do contact and are contacted by birth family members via the 

Internet without their adoptive parents’ knowledge. When your child begins to use the Internet and social 

networking sites, provide guidance about searching for or responding to requests from birth family members. 

If you would prefer that your adolescent wait to contact birth family, let your child know that. However, also 

emphasize that if he or she chooses to look for birth family members, you would rather know about it and 

provide support, rather than have him or her keep it secret from you. In any case, it is important to talk about 

these things before they occur, so that everyone is better prepared for the issues that can arise. 
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Help Your Child Cope With Grief and Loss 

All adoptions involve loss. You may need to help your 

child cope with adoption-related grief. Here are some 

ways you can promote communication about loss with 

your child and acknowledge your child’s feelings:

 Address the issue early. Do not wait for your child to 

bring up the subject of adoption, start missing birth 

family members, or express sadness about his or her 

family history. Even if your child never mentions his or 

her birth parents, most adopted 6- to 12-year-olds have 

frequent thoughts about them. If you are open and 

matter-of-fact about the subject, it will help your child 

feel more comfortable, too. 

 Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Tell your child 

that it is natural for adopted children to think about 

their birth families and to feel sadness about the loss 

of family members or unknown family histories. 

 Resist the urge to rush in and cheer up a grieving 

child. You cannot take away the losses of adoption. 

Just as children need the chance to learn and develop 

in their own ways, they need to work through grief 

and loss issues. You can help your child by being 

supportive. (“You seem sad. I wonder if you are 

thinking about your birth [or other] family.”) Efforts to 

lessen their pain, on the other hand, can make children 

question the value of their feelings and reduce their 

confidence in their abilities to cope. 

 Help your child express sadness in the manner 

that best fits his or her stage of emotional 

development. A school-age child may need to sob like 

a toddler and to be held and comforted like one. 

 Be prepared for grief disguised as anger. Although 

it is difficult for the parents, anger is a way for children 

to vent loss and sadness. In time, the child is able to let 

go of those upsetting emotions.

For more information, see Helping Adopted Children 

Cope With Grief and Loss at https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/helping. 

Address Adoption-Related Fears and 

Fantasies

Children who have experienced the loss of a least one 

family or home may be fearful of losing another. Fears 

may take the form of sleeping or eating difficulties, 

nightmares, separation difficulties, nervousness, and even 

increased allergies and illnesses. To lessen fears:

 Reassure your child that you intend to be his or her 

parent forever. Demonstrate this through both words 

and actions. Some children may test their adoptive 

parents with misbehavior. 

 Engage the child in planning future family events (e.g., 

“Next Thanksgiving, would you like to ... ?”).

 Purchase a photo album with spaces designated for 

school photos and memorabilia all the way through 

high school. 

 Go away and come back. Although it is extremely hard 

to go out when a child has separation anxiety, it is only 

through practice that a child learns you will always 

return.

All children fantasize about an alternate family life—a 

“real” mother who never reprimands, a father who is a 

famous person. Sometimes adopted school-age children 

use fantasy to attempt to undo their losses. They may 

imagine their birth parent returning for them or the 

adoption agency calling to report that they mistakenly 

placed the wrong child. To address fantasies:

 Encourage your child to talk about fantasies and 

express his or her feelings about adoption. 

 Reassure your child that it is normal for adopted 

children to imagine what their lives might have 

been like had they not been adopted. Point out that 

everyone, adopted or not, does this occasionally. (“I 

wonder what would have happened if I had ... [gone to 

a different college, taken another job, been born into 

another family].”)
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Disciplining Effectively 

The purpose of discipline is to teach children acceptable 

behavior and how to develop their own internal controls. 

Discipline should take into account your child’s abilities, 

learning styles, and family history. Many resources are 

available to help parents learn to use positive discipline. 

This section offers a few strategies that may be 

particularly useful for parents of adopted children.

Adoptive parents must concentrate first on forming a 

positive relationship with their children. While some 

discipline will be needed from the beginning, these 

efforts will be more effective after a strong attachment 

is established between you and your child. Likewise, 

children with serious attachment problems may not 

respond to discipline in the same way as children who 

have a healthy, secure attachment with their parents. (See 

earlier section, The Importance of Attachment.) Children 

who have been abused should not be subjected to 

corporal punishment; other methods should be used. 

Establish Routines and Rules

Consistent routines and rules are important for schoolage children. They help children learn what to expect, 

which helps them to feel more secure and confident. Be 

patient when teaching family rules and routines to your 

adopted child. Use language like, “In this house, we ...” 

Children who were neglected, who had frequent changes 

in caretakers, or who lived in group settings may need 

extra time to understand healthy family structure and 

consistency. They may have to unlearn past patterns as 

they learn new ones. 

Consider your child’s skills and previous experiences 

when you set rules or decide if a particular activity is 

allowed. A neglected child often needs more parental 

supervision than other children of the same age. You may 

need to protect and supervise as you would a younger 

child. Giving children too much freedom too soon can set 

them up for failure.

Use Rewards and Consequences

Make every effort to recognize and reward good behavior. 

Praise is often far more effective than punishment, and 

it can go a long way in encouraging your child’s positive 

behavior. Be sure to praise specific behavior (“Great job 

cleaning your room,” “I appreciate how nicely you shared 

with your little sister!”) rather than saying something 

general (“You’re a good girl”).

Also help your child understand the consequences of 

his or her negative behavior. Imposing a consequence 

or taking away a privilege (not going to the playground 

or less time for video games) is more effective when the 

child can see a logical connection to his or her actions. 

For example, if your child rides his bicycle on a busy 

street where he has been told not to ride, then a fitting 

consequence might be no after-school bike riding for the 

next 3 days. Try to give warnings about what children can 

expect before they get into trouble (“If you don’t do your 

homework, you can’t go to your friend’s house”) rather 

than surprising them with consequences.

Neglected children and children with learning delays or 

prenatal substance abuse effects may need extra help 

understanding cause and effect or may not be able to 

make a connection between behavior and rewards or 

consequences. It’s important to know if your child was 

exposed to prenatal substances such as alcohol or drugs 

so that you can learn about the possible effects on your 

child’s brain and behavior. Read more about the effects 

of fetal alcohol spectrum disorders at http://fasdcenter.

samhsa.gov/documents/WYNK_Adoption.pdf. 

Consider Time In Rather Than Time Out

Many parents like to use time out—placing a child in a 

safe place to think things over or cool down alone. This 

time out method, however, is not always appropriate for 

children who have been maltreated, who have attachment 

issues, or who were raised in group settings. The first goal 

in parenting these children is to help them form healthy 

attachments. In these cases, it is better to have the child 

remain close to you until he or she regains enough control 

to return to the previous activity (time in). This is useful 

because it avoids isolating children from their parents, 

playmates, and the rest of the family and helps support 

attachment. It sends the message, “You are having a hard 

time with control. I am here to help you.”
Parenting Your Adopted School-Age Child https://www.childwelfare.gov

11

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parent-school-age/.

Improving Your Child’s School 

Experience

Being adopted can affect your child’s school experience. 

Some classroom assignments may create tension, selfconsciousness, or sadness. Peers may pose innocent 

questions that cause hurt feelings, or they may tease 

an adopted child about being adopted. Children with 

emotional or behavioral problems may find it challenging

to succeed socially or academically in school. 

While you cannot protect your child from all of these 

possibilities, you can take a proactive approach to ensure

that adoption is taught and respected as a valid way to 

create a family. Following are some actions you can take 

to improve your child’s school experience. For more 

information, see Information Gateway’s Adoption and 

School section at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/school. 

Talk to Teachers About Adoption

Raise the topic of adoption at school:

 Ask your child’s teacher(s) to include adoption in 

lessons on family diversity and nontraditional families.

 Offer to make a presentation about adoption to the 

school staff or to your child’s class (but only with your 

child’s input and approval).

 Encourage school personnel to use positive adoption 

language. (See “Choose Your Words Carefully” on 

page 6.)

 Donate books and materials about adoption to the 

school library.

 Ask your child’s teachers to offer options or make 

adjustments to assignments about family history. For 

example, instead of bringing in a baby photo, students 

could bring in or draw a photo of themselves when 

they were younger. For a “family tree” assignment, 

children could be allowed to include their birth family 

as the root system or draw another figure altogether 

(such as a house with multiple rooms) that better 

reflects their unique family structure.

 Try to connect with teachers before each school year. 

Let teachers know if any subjects might be distressing 

to your child (e.g., presentations on substance 

abuse, for a child whose birth family was affected by 

addiction).

In deciding how much information to share with school 

personnel about your child’s history, follow the “need to 

know” rule. Share only the information needed to ease 

your child’s adjustment and ensure his or her needs are 

met.

See the Resources for Teachers section of the Information 

Gateway website for more tips (https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/school/teachers). 

Prepare Your Child to Handle Adoption 

Questions or Comments

Help your child decide how to talk about adoption with 

classmates and others:

 Ask your child to think in advance about how he or she 

wants to respond to questions about adoption. 

 Offer “What if ... ?” scenarios, and practice responses 

with your child. 

 Teach your child that that it is up to him or her to 

decide how much personal information to share. This 

includes allowing your child to choose how to respond 

to certain class assignments, such as family trees.

 Help your child understand the possible results of what 

he or she tells others. 

 Coach your child in using phrases such as “That’s 

private,” or “I don’t want to talk about that.” 

 Work with your child to master some general 

statements about adoption that can be used to 

educate peers.

 Encourage your child to be proud of the fact that he 

or she was able to be strong and resilient enough to 

come through early hardships and to join a new family. 

The Center for Adoption Support and Education 

(adoptionsupport.org) offers resources to help children 

talk about adoption with peers.
Parenting Your Adopted School-Age Child https://www.childwelfare.gov

Seeking Help for Mental or Behavioral 

Health Concerns

Adoptive families, like other families, sometimes need 

help to address mental health or behavioral concerns. 

Sadness, anger, and behavior challenges are normal as 

children in elementary school learn more about their 

family histories and come to terms with adoption. Some 

children may need a professional to help them grieve 

and move on. This need for extra assistance may occur 

even in children who previously adjusted well, as they 

grapple with developmentally appropriate issues such 

as identity formation. Do not allow difficulties with peers 

to go unaddressed. A child with poor interpersonal skills 

may be picked on or excluded, leading to more social and 

emotional problems down the road.

Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not 

of weakness. It is a good idea to seek professional help 

if your child or other family members show any of the 

following signs:

 Extreme emotions and behaviors

 Difficult family relationships that persist or seem to be 

getting worse

 Difficult peer relationships

 Substance abuse

Postadoption programs, adoption support groups, and 

other adoptive parents are good sources of information 

about adoption-competent mental health professionals. 

For more information, see Information Gateway’s 

Finding Services for an Adopted Child at https://www.

childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/

services and Selecting and Working With a Therapist 

Skilled in Adoption at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f-therapist. 

Summary

Parenting an adopted child during the elementary school 

years, as he or she ventures further into the outside world, 

is both challenging and enriching. With sensitivity to 

adoption issues, honest communication, and effective 

discipline, parents can support their child’s healthy 

development during this period and reap the rewards as 

their child matures.

For more information, visit the Child Welfare Information 

Gateway website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/stages. 

Suggested citation: 

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2015). Parenting 

your adopted school-age child. Washington, DC: U.S. 

Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s 

Bureau. 

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 

Administration for Children and Families 

Administration on Children, Youth and Families 

Children’s Bureau