1

Parenting Your Adopted 

School-Age Child

FACTSHEETS FOR FAMILIES | NOVEMBER 2020

Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov

School-age children—those between the ages of 

6 and 12—learn critical skills and gain interests 

that carry into adolescence and adulthood. 

Adoption can add layers of complexity to a child's 

normal developmental tasks. You can support 

your child by learning as much as possible about 

the impact of adoption on your child's emotional 

growth and overall development. 

This factsheet is designed to help adoptive 

parents understand and respond to their schoolage child's developmental needs. It provides 

simple, practical strategies you can use to foster 

healthy development, including approaches for 

building attachment; addressing trauma, grief, 

and loss; talking honestly with your child about 

adoption; acknowledging his or her adoption 

history; using effective discipline; and enhancing 

your child's school experience. Because some 

adoptive families will need extra support to 

address their children's mental or behavioral 

health needs, the factsheet also discusses when 

and how to seek help.

WHAT'S INSIDE

Talking openly about adoption

Adoption and development in school-age children

Behavioral and mental health concerns

Discipline considerations 

Conclusion

Additional resources
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 2

ADOPTION AND DEVELOPMENT IN 

SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

Understanding the typical tasks and needs of 

school-age children and how adoption-related 

experiences may affect their development will 

help you meet your child's needs, strengthen 

your relationship, and identify important 

emotional or physical concerns. 

There is a lot of information available about 

typical growth and development patterns for 

school-age children. It is important to remember 

that personal experiences—as well as background 

and medical history—and how they impact the 

development of children who were adopted vary 

greatly from child to child. Although detailed 

records about your child's background and 

medical history may not always be available, 

the following resources from Child Welfare 

Information Gateway can provide information 

that can help in your research: Obtaining 

Background Information on Your Prospective 

Adopted Child, Providing Adoptive Parents With 

Information About Adoptees and Their Birth 

Families, and Access to Adoption Records.

EFFECTS OF EARLY EXPERIENCES ON 

DEVELOPMENT

Children with early adverse experiences may 

exhibit certain developmental delays (see 

Information Gateway's Adverse Childhood 

Experiences webpage to learn more). A medical 

professional can help assess your child's 

development and determine if delays exist. If 

your child is found to have a disability, he or she 

might be eligible for a variety of services, such as 

speech therapy, occupational or physical therapy, 

and counseling. Some services can be provided 

at home, while others may be offered at a child 

development center. Resources for parents of 

children with disabilities are available on the 

Center for Parent Information and Resources

website, an online learning resource supported 

by the U.S. Department of Education's Office of 

Special Education Programs. 

To learn more, see Information Gateway's 

Postpermanency Services for Children With 

Disabilities webpage and the U.S. Centers for 

Disease Control and Prevention's Developmental 

Disabilities webpage.

YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL VERSUS 

CHRONOLOGICAL AGE 

If your child came from an institution or an 

abusive or neglectful family situation, he or 

she may not have learned some important 

things, such as communicating with others or 

expressing feelings appropriately. Playing with 

other children, taking turns, or just having fun 

may be new experiences. As a result, your child 

may need time to catch up to children in the 

same age group. If English is not the child's first 

language, he or she may have added delays and 

challenges. 

 The National Library of Medicine provides a 

brief overview of the typical developmental 

tasks of school-age children. 

 Child Welfare Information Gateway’s 

website provides resources about 

adoption and child development. 

Visit the Understanding Developmental 

Stages and Adoption and Developmental 

Stages sections. 

 Harmony Family Center, a Tennessee-based 

agency offering evidence-based therapeutic 

services to children and families, created a 

developmental timeline for children from 

birth through early adulthood. 
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You can help your child overcome such lags by 

using parenting strategies based on your child's 

developmental level, not on his or her age. 

For example, a 7-year-old child may need the 

bedtime routine of a 3-year-old. A 12-year-old 

may need to learn how to get along in a group of 

two or three friends before he or she is ready to 

join a larger group activity. A child who is socially 

behind may play better with younger children. 

Playing with younger children will give your child 

a sense of confidence and teach empathy and 

helpfulness. Consult your adoption professional 

or an experienced peer about organizing and 

supervising constructive "learning" playdates. 

Allowing your child to learn at his or her own 

pace is crucial. Although others may feel you are 

'babying' your older child, you are simply helping 

him or her learn what he or she has missed. 

Some older children may need to learn tasks the 

way a younger child would. Break tasks down 

into small, manageable steps, so that your child 

will feel a sense of success and accomplishment. 

Let progress be guided by your child's readiness 

to move on to the next developmental level.

BEHAVIORAL AND MENTAL HEALTH 

CONCERNS

Adoption-related issues, such as feelings of 

loss and grief, ambivalence over identity, and 

related insecurities, can impact your schoolage child's day-to-day behavioral and mental 

health. Sadness, anger, and behavior challenges 

are normal as children in elementary school 

learn more about their family histories and come 

to terms with adoption. These behaviors may 

become more pronounced as a child becomes 

more secure and comfortable in your home. 

The need for extra assistance may occur even in 

children who previously adjusted well, as they 

grapple with developmentally appropriate issues 

such as identity formation. Difficulties with 

peers should not go unaddressed. Children with 

poor interpersonal skills may be picked on or 

excluded, putting them at risk for future social 

and emotional problems. 

It is important to seek professional help if your 

child or other family members show any of the 

following signs: 

 Extreme emotions and behaviors 

 Difficult family relationships that persist or 

seem to be getting worse 

 Difficult peer relationships 

 Substance use 

Finding an adoption-competent therapist 

you are comfortable working with is essential 

and may take some persistence. Information 

Gateway's factsheet Finding and Working With 

Adoption-Competent Therapists and the Center 

for Adoption Support and Education's Directory 

of Adoption Competent Professionals and its 

National Adoption Competency Mental Health 

Training Initiative (NTI) Directory of NTI Trained 

Professionals may help in this effort. 

Adoption-Related Behavioral and 

Mental Health Issues

Child Welfare Information Gateway offers 

several resources to help you understand your 

child’s behavioral and mental health needs:

 Understanding the Emotional Impact of 

Adoption (webpage) 

 Behavioral Health Consequences of Child 

Abuse and Neglect (webpage) 

 Emotional/Behavioral Health Needs of 

Children and Youth (webpage) 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 4

ADOPTION-RELATED LOSS AND GRIEF 

Children who experience separation from their 

birth parents may feel an unresolved sense of 

grief that may recur, particularly at milestones 

in life, even when the adoption was a positive 

experience. Unresolved grief can affect a child's 

emotional and mental development. For example, 

children who were adopted may feel sad or angry 

about being separated from the people and the 

life they remember (their community; culture; 

and, if relevant, their former school). This may 

include birth family members, foster parents, 

and/or brothers and sisters. Here are some ways 

you can promote communication about grief 

while helping your child work through a 

sense of loss: 

 Address the issue early. Don't wait for your 

child to bring up the subject of adoption or 

express sadness about his or her family history. 

Even if your child never mentions his or her 

birth parents, most adopted 6- to 12-year-olds 

have frequent thoughts about them. If you are 

open and matter of fact about the subject, it 

will help your child feel more comfortable, too. 

 Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Tell your 

child that it is natural for children who were 

adopted to think about their birth families and 

feel sadness about the loss of family members 

or unknown family histories. 

 Resist the urge to rush in and cheer up 

a grieving child. Just as children need the 

chance to learn and develop in their own 

ways, they need to work through their own 

grief and loss issues. You can help your child 

by being supportive (e.g., 'You seem sad. I 

wonder if you are thinking about your birth [or 

other] family."). Efforts to lessen their pain, on 

the other hand, can make children question 

the value of their feelings and reduce their 

confidence in their ability to cope. 

 Help your child express sadness in the 

manner that best fits his or her stage of 

emotional development. A school-age child 

may need to sob like a toddler and be held and 

comforted like one. 

 Be prepared for grief disguised as anger.

Although it is challenging for parents, anger is 

a way for children to vent loss and sadness. 

Anger and difficult behavior will often subside 

after children have vented or worked through 

their emotions. 

 Be prepared for your child to make up stories, 

especially in the face of uncertainty. Children 

who lack details and information about 

their adoption stories and backgrounds may 

fabricate stories as a protective and defensive 

mechanism against their not knowing. 

Extreme behaviors or moods (e.g., control 

issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme fearfulness, 

poor appetite, aggressiveness) may result from 

unresolved grief or may be signs of untreated 

trauma. If your child shows these behaviors, 

look for an adoption-competent therapist or 

counselor and ask other adoptive parents for 

recommendations whenever possible. 

Learning to be comfortable with your own 

feelings about adoption and why you chose 

to adopt (e.g., infertility) creates a positive 

and significant bond with your child. You may 

acknowledge your own sadness by saying 

something like, 'I'm sad, too, that I didn't get to be 

with you when you were just a little baby, but I'm 

happy that your birth mother (and father) had you 

and that you came to live with me, and now we 

can always be together." 

See Information Gateway's Helping Adopted 

Children Cope With Grief and Loss webpage 

and The Impact of Adoption factsheet for 

related material. 
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ADOPTION-RELATED FEARS AND FANTASIES 

Children who have experienced the loss of 

at least one family or home may be fearful of 

losing another. Fears may take the form of 

sleeping or eating difficulties, nightmares, 

separation difficulties, nervousness, and even 

increased allergies and illnesses. The following 

are some things you can do to help your child 

understand your commitment to him or her: 

 Reassure your child that you intend to be 

his or her parent forever. Demonstrate this 

through both words and actions. Some 

children may test their adoptive parents with 

misbehavior. 

 Engage the child in planning future family 

events (e.g., 'Next Thanksgiving, would you 

like to ...?"). 

 Purchase a photo album with spaces 

designated for school photos and 

memorabilia all the way through high school. 

 Go away and come back. Although it 

is extremely hard to leave a child with 

separation anxiety, it is only through practice 

that a child learns you will always return. 

All children fantasize about an alternate family 

life (e.g., a 'real" mother who never reprimands, 

a father who is a famous person). Sometimes 

school-age children who were adopted use 

fantasy to attempt to undo their losses. They 

may imagine their birth parent returning for 

them or the adoption agency calling to report 

that they mistakenly placed the wrong child. 

The following are some actions you can take to 

reassure your child: 

 Encourage your child to talk about 

fantasies and express his or her feelings 

about adoption. 

 Reassure your child that it is normal to 

imagine what their lives might have been 

like had they not been adopted. Point out 

that everyone, adopted or not, does this 

occasionally. ('I wonder what would have 

happened if I had ... [gone to a different 

college, taken another job, been born into 

another family].")

ATTACHMENT ISSUES 

Healthy child development depends on a 

secure parent-child attachment that ideally 

is established in infancy. If the parent-child 

attachment was disrupted, a child may not have 

developed the secure base needed for healthy 

development. A school-age child with insecure 

attachment might experience anxiety when 

away from home or even show developmental 

delays or traits of a younger child. You can 

help your child by interacting with him or her 

in a way that is consistent with the child's 

developmental age, not chronological age. 

When you interact with children at the level 

of their emotional and physical development, 

you help them grow and improve and repair 

attachment. A skilled adoption counselor or 

professional can help by offering therapy that 

encourages safe touch and gentle connection, 

such as eye contact and nurturing behaviors 

(see Information Gateway's Finding and 

Working With Adoption-Competent Therapists). 

Nurturing and Attachment, an Information 

Gateway webpage, and Attachment Issues With 

Adoption, a section on the Creating a Family 

website, provide related resources. 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 6

THE EFFECTS OF TRAUMA 

Many adopted children have experienced 

some degree of trauma. Potentially traumatic 

events include abuse (physical, sexual, or 

emotional), neglect, unpredictable parental 

behavior due to addiction or mental 

illness, or separation from loved ones. 

Exposure to trauma can affect how children 

learn, think, feel, and interact, and it may 

have consequences for their health and 

development that persist even after they join 

safe and stable adoptive homes. 

The experience of multiple traumatic events 

over time can result in the development of 

challenging habits or behaviors (for example, 

hoarding food, fighting, distrust of adults). 

Keep in mind that these behaviors may 

have helped your child survive a dangerous 

situation. 

Parenting a traumatized child can put a strain 

on other relationships and trigger what is 

known as 'secondary trauma" (or 'vicarious 

trauma") in parents. Symptoms of secondary 

trauma may be physical (headaches, 

stomachaches, lack of energy), behavioral 

(increased drinking or smoking, avoiding 

others), emotional (anxiety, depression, 

loneliness), or mental (inability to concentrate 

or make decisions). In some cases, this may be 

the result of past, unresolved parental trauma 

that is rekindled by the child's issues. These 

issues must be healed before you can help 

your child.

Resources to Help Families Cope With 

Trauma

 Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced 

Trauma (Child Welfare Information Gateway 

factsheet) 

 Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse 

and Neglect (Child Welfare Information 

Gateway factsheet) 

 Parenting a Child or Youth Who Has Been 

Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster 

and Adoptive Parents (Child Welfare 

Information Gateway factsheet) 

 Resources on Trauma for Caregivers 

and Families (Child Welfare Information 

Gateway webpage) 

 Pathways to Permanence 2: Parenting 

Children Who Have Experienced Trauma 

and Loss (an eight-session curriculum 

from ACT: An Adoption and Permanency 

Curriculum for Child Welfare and Mental 

Health Professionals developed by Kinship 

Center, a member of Seneca Family of 

Agencies in California) 

 Trauma Guide (American Academy of 

Pediatrics resource that includes Parenting 

After Trauma: Understanding Your Child’s 

Needs—A Guide for Foster and Adoptive 

Parents and When Things Aren’t Perfect: 

Caring for Yourself and Your Children) 

 Harmony Family Center’s developmental 

timeline, mentioned above, includes 

developmentally appropriate sensory 

interventions to help children overcome the 

effects of trauma, as well as several useful 

parenting resources.
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DISCIPLINE CONSIDERATIONS 

Children act out as a way of communicating 

specific needs or fears. It is important for 

parents to recognize these actions and 

decode what their children are trying to 

say so they can meet their needs and curb 

negative behaviors. Children will often 

escalate such behaviors until they feel they 

are heard. Effective discipline will help 

children develop internal controls and 

practice more acceptable behavior. The right 

approach will depend on a child's abilities, 

learning style, and family history. Many 

resources are available to help parents learn 

positive discipline techniques. This section 

offers a few strategies that may be particularly 

useful for adoptive parents. 

The most important first step for adoptive 

parents is to focus on forming a positive 

relationship with their children. While some 

discipline will be needed from the beginning, 

these efforts will be more effective after a 

strong attachment is established between you 

and your child. Likewise, children with serious 

attachment problems may not respond to 

discipline in the same way as children who 

have a healthy, secure attachment with their 

parents (see the earlier section on 

Attachment Issues).

THE IMPORTANCE OF ROUTINE 

School-age children do best with consistency 

in both rules and routines, as they feel more 

secure and confident when they know what 

to expect. Be patient when teaching your 

child about family rules and routines and use 

language like, 'In this house, we ..." Children 

who were neglected, had frequent changes 

in caretakers, or lived in group settings may 

need extra time to understand the workings 

of a healthy family structure. They may have 

to unlearn past patterns as they learn new 

ones and experience consistency. 

Consider your child's previous experiences 

and skills when you set rules or decide if a 

particular activity should be allowed. A child 

who was neglected often needs more parental 

supervision than other children of the same 

age. You may need to protect and supervise 

as you would a younger child. Giving children 

too much freedom too soon can set them up 

for failure.

USING REWARDS AND CONSEQUENCES

Never underestimate the importance of 

recognizing and rewarding good behavior. 

Praise is often far more effective than 

punishment and can go a long way in 

encouraging your child's positive behavior. 

Be sure to praise specific actions (e.g., 'Great 

job cleaning your room," or 'I appreciate how 

nicely you shared with your little sister!") 

rather than saying something that labels 

behavior more generally (e.g., 'You're a 

good girl").
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 8

You can help your child understand the 

consequences of his or her negative 

behaviors. Imposing a consequence or 

taking away a privilege (e.g., not going to the 

playground or allowing less time for video 

games) is more effective when the child can 

see a logical connection to his or her actions. 

For example, if your child rides a bicycle on 

a busy street where he or she has been told 

not to ride, then a fitting consequence might 

be no bike riding for the next 3 days. Try to 

give warnings about what children can expect 

before they get into trouble (e.g., 'If you don't 

do your homework, you won't be able go to 

your friend's house") rather than surprising 

them with consequences.

Children with learning delays or those who 

experienced neglect or prenatal substance 

use may need extra help understanding cause 

and effect and may not be able to make a 

connection between behavior and rewards or 

consequences. 

RETHINKING THE TIME-OUT DISCIPLINE 

TECHNIQUE 

Many parents like to use time out as a 

discipline technique. Time out involves 

removing a child from an activity and placing 

him or her in a safe place to think things over 

or to cool down alone. This method, however, 

is not always appropriate for children who 

have been maltreated, have attachment issues, 

or were raised in group settings. The first goal 

in parenting these children is to help them 

form healthy attachments. In these cases, 

it is better to have the child remain close to 

you (time in) until he or she regains enough 

control to return to the previous activity. This 

is useful because it avoids isolating children 

from their parents, playmates, and the rest of 

the family and helps support attachment (see 

the section on Attachment Issues). It sends 

the message, 'You are having a hard time 

with control. I am here to help you." This can 

also help the child with problem solving and 

learning how to self-regulate (Taking a TimeIn With Your Child, a how-to guide developed 

for parents by Rainbow Kids, an adoption and 

child advocacy group, offers useful tips).

SOCIAL MEDIA USE

When your child begins to use the Internet 

and social networking sites, provide 

appropriate guidance and set 'ground rules" 

for social media use. Some adopted children 

are contacted by birth family members via 

the Internet without their adoptive parents' 

knowledge. If you would prefer that your 

child wait to be contacted by or contact birth 

family members, let your child know that. 

It is important to talk about these things 

before they occur, so that everyone is better 

prepared for the issues that can arise.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 9

 Consider the following points:

 Recognize that information and photos 

shared via social media sites are not 

private. Stay on top of changing privacy 

policies, and keep in mind that anything 

you post could be made public.

 Connecting via social media exposes 

everyone involved to a lot of information 

about each other's daily lives. This can be 

positive, but it also can be overwhelming 

or difficult, especially for children. Setting 

boundaries from the beginning will 

support a healthier long-term relationship.

 Be especially cautious about posting 

information about your child's adoption 

and birth family on the Internet. Your 

child should learn this information directly 

from you, at the right time, rather than 

by searching the Internet. Likewise, your 

child deserves to decide when and how 

he or she feels comfortable sharing this 

information with others.

 If you receive an unexpected request to 

connect from a member of your child's 

birth family, consider reaching out to 

your agency or an adoption-competent 

professional for advice and support before 

responding. A professional can help you 

set safe and comfortable boundaries for 

contact (including redirecting the birth 

family member to a more private form of 

communication, if desired).

 As with any extended family relationship, 

there may be inconveniences and 

challenges. Handle these with sensitivity 

and respect. Seeing that you value his or 

her birth relatives or previous caretakers 

will help your child's self-esteem and 

encourage a closer relationship with you.

See Information Gateway's Social Media in 

Adoption webpage for more information.

TALKING OPENLY ABOUT 

ADOPTION 

Parents who feel good about adoption, 

are comfortable talking about it, and can 

openly acknowledge their child's feelings 

are best able to help their children do the 

same. Parents who tense up when the topic 

is raised or keep it a secret may send the 

message that something is wrong with 

being adopted. This section presents tips 

for communicating about adoption and 

recognizing your child's history in a positive 

way. 

When talking with your child about adoption, 

pay special attention to the words you use 

and remember that how you say something is 

just as important as what you say.
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 SAY THIS NOT THAT

Birth mother/father

Biological mother/father 

First mother/father

“Real” mother/father

“Natural” mother/father

Mother/father ”Adoptive” mother/father

We could not have a baby 

born to us.

We could not have our own

baby.

Your birth parents had 

grown-up problems, so they 

could not take care of a child.

Your birth parents were not 

able to take care of you.

They made a plan for you to 

be adopted.

They gave you up for adoption.

The child was adopted. The child is adopted.

THIS NOT THAT

How to Talk About Adoption

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING WORD CHOICES:
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Below is some advice for communicating with 

your child:

 Think about what your child might 

hear. Many adoptive parents try to 

build their child's self-esteem by saying 

things that may seem positive but can be 

misinterpreted. For example: 

– 'Your birth mom gave you up for adoption 

because she loved you so much." A child 

may start to wonder if the adoptive 

parents also will send him or her away 

because of their love. 

– 'You are very lucky to be adopted." 

Children who are adopted should not be 

expected to be grateful to have a family 

or to be cared for. This can lead to selfesteem issues (i.e., Why do other children 

deserve families, but I have to be grateful 

to have one?)

– 'We chose to adopt you—you are special." 

Children may later realize the loss that is 

implied by being 'chosen" (they first had 

to be 'unchosen").

 Do not sugarcoat the adoption experience. 

Doing so denies children the support they 

need as they grieve their unique losses. For 

example, talking only about how wonderful 

it was for your child to be adopted ignores 

the fact that gaining your family also means 

losing the experience of being raised with 

the birth family. In order to heal, a child 

must first be allowed to grieve and be 

angry.

 Practice talking about adoption in an 

adoptive parent support group or with 

others in your support network and let 

them give you feedback.

HANDLING DIFFICULT INFORMATION 

Adoptive parents often try to protect their 

children from the more painful aspects of 

their histories. You may wonder what to tell 

and what to hold back from your child. Here 

are some guidelines for addressing your 

child's past: 

 Your child has a right to his or her own 

history and will eventually learn what 

happened. You are the best person to 

share this information and help your child 

understand the facts. It is not a question 

of whether to share this information 

but deciding when and how to most 

appropriately do so.

 Do not force your child to talk about the 

past if he or she is not ready. Remain open 

and available for when the time is right.

 State the truth simply. Do not provide 

details that might be too complex for him 

or her to understand. Many details are 

too traumatic for young children, so more 

information can be given as your child 

develops and is able to handle more. An 

adoption professional can guide you in this 

process.

 Present the facts about your child's 

history or birth family without judgment 

or criticism. Realize that children who are 

adopted identify with their birth parents 

even if they have no contact with them or 

memory of them. Criticism of a birth parent 

will at some point be reflected in how the 

child feels about him- or herself. 

 Offer an alternate viewpoint if your child 

criticizes his or her birth parents (e.g., 'Your 

mom had a lot to juggle and did the best she 

could"). However, resist the temptation to 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 12

make up information or put a better spin on 

your child's history. Be sure to explain that 

caseworkers and other professionals may 

have tried to help your child's birth parents, 

but that change was not possible. This may 

help alleviate anger the child may feel about 

being removed from his or her birth family.

 Help your child understand that the choices 

and mistakes birth family members made 

have no bearing on your child's value. 

Explain that the actions of that adult do 

not mean they didn't care for the child. 

Reassure your child that he or she has the 

power to make choices and find happiness.

RESPECTING YOUR CHILD’S BACKGROUND 

Find ways to acknowledge and show respect 

for your child's birth parents and birth family 

members. This will strengthen your child's 

attachment to you.

 Take the initiative by talking about birth 

families and prior caregivers (e.g., 'I bet 

your birth mother is thinking about you 

today" or 'I wonder if you miss the people 

who took care of you before you came 

here"). Avoid statements that may arouse a 

child's sense of concern for his or her birth 

parents' welfare (e.g., 'I bet she misses you 

so much").

 Create a 'lifebook" together that records 

your child's personal history through 

pictures, objects, news clippings, and 

other memorabilia that have a personal 

meaning. A lifebook can help your child 

understand more about his or her history 

and process any feelings of loss about his 

or her birth family at each developmental 

stage. (Be aware that sometimes photos 

and mementos can bring up pain and loss 

and cause temporary acting out.) For more 

information, see the Lifebooks webpage 

on the Information Gateway website for 

resources, tips, and samples. 

 If possible, encourage safe, developmentally 

appropriate contact with the birth family 

and others from your child's past. Such 

contact will help your child understand 

his or her history and promote identity 

development, self-esteem, and attachment 

to your family (Information Gateway's 

Helping Your Adopted Children Maintain 

Important Relationships With Family and 

webpages on Facilitating Postadoption 

Contact and Ongoing Relationships and 

Maintaining Connections With Birth 

Families in Adoption provide helpful tips).

 Show your interest in finding as much 

information about your child's past as 

you can: 

– Help your child learn about his or her 

cultural background and race (see 

Information Gateway's Parenting in 

Racially and Culturally Diverse Adoptive 

Families factsheet and Adoption by 

Family Type: Racially and Culturally 

Diverse Families webpage).

– For intercountry adoptions, learn with 

your child about the food, history, and 

traditional dress of his or her country 

of origin. Develop relationships with 

members of your child's birth country 

and, if financially possible, plan a future 

family trip to the child's homeland. 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 13

 Create adoption rituals, such as the following:

– Some adoptive families honor birth parents 

and grandparents on Mother's Day and 

Father's Day with special prayers, cards, or 

candle-lighting ceremonies.

– Adoption anniversaries can be 

acknowledged with special meals or events. 

– Holidays and significant events of a child's 

birthplace can be celebrated (for example, 

the date that your child's country of origin 

recognizes its own independence day, 

thanksgiving, or the new year).

COMMUNICATING WITH SCHOOL 

PERSONNEL 

In deciding how much information to share with 

school personnel about your child's history, 

follow the 'need-to-know" rule. Share only 

the information needed to ease your child's 

adjustment and ensure his or her needs are met. 

Here are some things you can do:

 Try to connect with your child's teachers 

before each school year. Let teachers know 

if any subjects might be distressing to your 

child (e.g., a child whose birth family was 

affected by addiction might be upset by a 

presentation on substance use).

 Ask teachers to include adoption in lessons 

on family diversity and nontraditional 

families.

 Offer to make a presentation about adoption 

to the school staff or to your child's class 

(with your child's input and approval).

 Encourage school personnel to use positive 

adoption language (e.g., the 'Choose Your 

Words Carefully" suggestions on page 8).

 Donate books and materials about adoption 

to the school library.

 Ask your child's teachers to offer options 

or adjust assignments about family history. 

For example, instead of asking students to 

bring in a baby photo, students could bring 

in or draw a photo of themselves when they 

were younger. For a 'family tree" assignment, 

children could be allowed to include their 

birth family as the root system or draw a 

figure that better reflects their unique family 

structure.

Information Gateway's Adoption and School

webpage provides additional resources to help 

adoptive families.

HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH SOCIAL 

INTERACTIONS 

You can help your child decide how to talk 

about their adoption with classmates and 

others. It is important to recognize that for 

some children, it may be challenging to relate to 

others as a result of being affected by the core 

issues of adoption (see Information Gateway's 

factsheet for families, The Impact of Adoption, 

for more information). The following are ways 

you can help your child prepare for adoptionrelated comments or questions:

 Encourage your child to think in advance 

about how he or she wants to respond to 

questions about adoption. 

 Offer 'What if ...?" scenarios, and practice 

responses with your child.

 Teach your child that it is up to him or her 

to decide how much personal information 

they are comfortable sharing. This includes 

allowing your child to choose how to respond 

to certain class assignments, such as family 

trees.

 Help your child understand the possible 

consequences of what he or she tells others. 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 14

 Make sure your child knows that it's okay 

to say, 'I don't want to talk about that," or 

'That's private."

 Normalize your child's experience as much 

as possible by helping him or her realize 

what he or she has in common with peers 

(rather than drawing attention to how he 

or she is different). This will help your child 

identify with peers. Consult a professional 

who can help your child with appropriate 

communication and social interactions.

 Work with your child to master some 

general statements about adoption that 

can be used to educate peers. This might 

include, 'I am part of two families that love 

me: my birth family and my adoptive family."

 Encourage your child to be proud of the 

fact that he or she was able to be strong 

and resilient enough to come through early 

hardships and join a new family. 

Information Gateway's Talking About 

Adoption webpage and the Center for 

Adoption Support and Education website offer 

resources to help parents talk to children and 

help children talk with peers about adoption. 

'Talking About Adoption Part 2: Talking With 

6–12 Year Olds," a Creating a Family blog post, 

also provides useful tips.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

 The Center for Adoption Support and 

Education provides resources for adoptive 

parents.

 The National Council for Adoption provides 

resources for adoptive parents.

 Postadoption Services and Support, an 

Information Gateway webpage, offers 

resources and examples of postadoption 

services.

 Support for Parents Who Adopt From 

Foster Care, an AdoptUSKids webpage, 

focuses on helping adoptive parents 

understand the emotional needs of children 

who have experienced foster care.

CONCLUSION 

Parenting a child during the elementary 

school years, as he or she ventures further 

into the outside world, is both challenging 

and enriching. With sensitivity to adoption 

issues, honest communication, and effective 

discipline, parents can support their child's 

healthy development during this period and 

reap the rewards as their child matures.

Suggested citation: Child Welfare Information 

Gateway. (2020). Parenting your adopted 

school-age child. U.S. Department of Health 

and Human Services, Administration for 

Children and Families, Children's Bureau. 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/

factsheets/parent-school-age/

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information 

Gateway. This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parent-school-age/.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Administration on Children, Youth and Families

Children’s Bureau