1

If you are stepping in to care for a relative's 

children, you play an important role in the child 

welfare system by helping to support the family 

connections that are essential to a child's health 

and well-being. Because kinship caregivers must 

navigate the often-blurred line between being 

a family member and assuming responsibility 

for a relative's children, misunderstandings may 

arise as they strive to adhere to court orders and 

agency rules. Partnerships between caregivers 

and parents—that include clear goals and 

expectations—are essential for promoting family 

reunification and child and family well-being.

There are high expectations for kinship 

caregivers. Many factors influence how family 

members caring for a relative’s children interact 

with the birth parents, including the nature of 

their relationship and the available supports 

and training to help encourage communication. 

Ideally your agency will work with you to assess 

your needs and provide the training necessary 

for developing a healthy partnership with 

your relative—one that maintains appropriate 

boundaries and improves the odds for 

FACTSHEETS FOR FAMILIES | JANUARY 2020

Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov

Partnering With Relatives to 

Promote Reunification 

WHAT'S INSIDE

Modeling positive parenting, positive 

communication

Maintaining connections and minimizing trauma

Managing family dynamics

Healing and building trust

Conclusion

Being supportive to motivate and sustain 

change

Leaning on the caseworker, agency, and 

support services

Words to remember

Partnership resources
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 2

reunification. This factsheet shares the experiences and advice of families who have had relatives in 

kinship care arrangements to highlight the dynamics and steps that can support reunification. 

Child Welfare Information Gateway conducted a series of interviews with parents and relative 

caregivers to help bring to light the challenges and nuances that can arise in kinship care 

arrangements. This factsheet shares their thoughts and advice and highlights the opportunities 

for partnership. The most consistent message we received was that outcomes for children and 

families are best when parents and kinship caregivers communicate honestly and show empathy and 

understanding. Names have been changed to protect identities.

MAINTAINING CONNECTIONS AND MINIMIZING TRAUMA

Placing children with relatives helps to maintain family connections and cultural traditions that can 

minimize the trauma of family separation and relieve the anxieties that come with traditional foster 

placements. This creates a safe space while parents get the help they need to enhance their 

caregiving skills. Kinship care can be a lifeline for both children and parents, as placement with a 

family member can create a sense of belonging for a child and comfort for a parent in knowing the 

child is not with strangers. Parents may feel more encouraged to seek help with the support of 

family members. By providing children with a familiar environment and their parents with family 

support, kinship care creates several protective factors that can strengthen families and keep them 

together (e.g., maintaining family connections, enhancing the social and emotional competence of 

children, and boosting resilience in parents and children). 

"I was relieved because I knew [my sister] loved [my children]. They were close to her and safe with 

her...She was a huge support in the success of my reunification. She was hard on me but a big support 

too. When I was longing for my kids and she felt I was ready, she spoke up to the social workers and 

said I was ready."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children

"[My mom/kinship caregiver] let me be a mom. She loved me as much as she loved [my children]. It 

put her in an incredibly difficult situation. She did a really good job of loving us all and letting me, 

when I was there, just be their mom. She didn’t guilt me in any way, but let me come and support 

them however I could....[my children] were kept together and not split up into foster care. They got 

to stay in their schools and keep their friends...Because of the interventions we had, my children have 

these amazing lives...they’re going to college, they’re building families, buying their own homes...The 

success of my children is huge...we’ve broken the generational cycle."—Donna, birth parent reunified 

with her children

"No child should have to suffer their parents’ behaviors if they aren’t safe. As his grandmother, 

my standards are far higher than what the agency’s standards are for family contact. I’m going to 

protect that child. I’m grateful I was able to protect him from the additional trauma of [my daughter’s] 

lifestyle."—Lee, kinship caregiver/grandparent 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 3

MANAGING FAMILY DYNAMICS

Regardless of whether a kinship arrangement is formal or informal, existing family dynamics may 

make it difficult for some parents and relative caregivers to respect boundaries and case plan 

requirements. This can test family relationships as both parents and relative caregivers confront 

feelings of guilt, shame, anger, distrust, and loss. Caregivers often have a tough time reconciling 

their growing responsibility to the children involved with their existing relationship with the parents 

involved. It may take time for parents who have struggled to take care of their children to earn the 

trust of family members, and they may harbor feelings of resentment toward the relative who holds 

custody. Having to set aside family grievances for the sake of the children and moving things forward 

can be challenging. 

The Child Welfare Capacity Building Collaborative Center for States features videos with real-life 

stories of families discussing the dynamics and various aspects of kinship care. It's All Relative: 

Supporting Kinship Care Discussion Guides and Video Series can be accessed at https://capacity.

childwelfare.gov/states/focus-areas/foster-care-permanency/kinship-care-series/videos/.

"There’s that ambivalence. That I want my kids to be the best parents they can be, and when they 

don’t measure up, I’m stuck with ‘Wow, did I do something wrong?’ And how do I put their needs now 

secondary to my grandkids? Because that’s what needs to happen. Kids need someone to be their 

voice and their caretaker."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent

"I think it’s important for relative caregivers to know that it’s okay for them to still love that parent and 

that it’s also okay to have healthy boundaries with that parent. We need those healthy boundaries in 

order to be able to protect those kids that have been placed with us and that can be very, very hard 

sometimes....I tell my grandkids all the time, ‘I love your mom more than you do. She’s my baby. Don’t 

think for a moment that I don’t love her, because I do. But I have to protect you guys. That’s my job."

—Vicki, kinship caregiver/grandparent and former birth parent reunified with children

"Kinship care is the trickiest because of the baggage and the wreckage that’s been created already. It 

comes with more doubt than anything....[My sister] kept this guarded boundary with me, but later down 

the road I knew she was advocating for me. She was cheering me on behind the scenes, but she wasn’t 

coddling me."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 4

HEALING AND BUILDING TRUST

Kinship care can create space for reconciliation and healing within families when both sides make 

an effort to listen to and support each other. This can mean being honest about needs and concerns, 

recognizing progress, and/or expressing gratitude. A simple expression of gratitude can, for 

example, motivate a caregiver's continued work on behalf of a relative's children or a parent's will to 

meet case goals. There are several steps a caregiver can take to build bridges and earn the trust of a 

parent working toward reunification, including the following:

 Showing empathy regarding challenges the parent is trying to overcome

 Acknowledging that the kinship situation can be difficult for all involved 

 Offering to transport a parent to a therapy or counseling session or to facilitate participation in 

some other way

For testimonials from caregivers and parents about how to build trust, see Child Welfare Information 

Gateway's Partnering With Birth Parents to Promote Reunification at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/factsheets-families-partnerships/.

"Our relationship was very damaged [when my sister first got my children]. We didn’t really talk then. 

But we gradually started to talk as she brought my kids for visits....The more she realized I was starting 

to make a life change, she started talking to me more. Today [our relationship] is great, because she 

even lets me watch her kids. She’s my biggest support system, and she still has a close relationship with 

my kids."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children

"[My daughter-in-law] doesn’t always sound like she appreciates [my help]. But I think people should be 

respectful of what others are doing for them. I wish she was more appreciative....Sometimes I take the 

time when the children are asleep to sit down and talk with my son about how I’m feeling. And I remind 

him, ‘Just as I am taking your feelings into consideration, you need to take mine into consideration 

because this isn’t easy for any of us."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent

"My mom and me had always been very close. She’s always had my back. But our relationship became 

adversarial during this time...[My mom] had her own hassles and no help. Financially, she had [my] 5 

children and a brand-new baby to care for, plus her own house. She loved me when I probably didn’t 

deserve it. So, there was guilt and shame on my part."—Donna, birth parent reunified with her children

"When you see [the parents], give them one compliment, any compliment, because they’re already 

feeling like a monster. And if you can be the bigger person and say something like, ‘I can tell how 

much you love [your kids]’ or, ‘They really miss you,’ or any compliment on their parenting, it can really 

shift the entire relationship. Like a shift in thinking from, ‘They’re not against me and think I’m a total 

monster and bad parent,’ to feeling human again."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 5

MODELING POSITIVE PARENTING, POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

Kinship caregivers have a unique opportunity to model positive parenting practices and healthy and 

constructive communication. Seeing this in practice and how children respond to it may help 

parents to embrace positive behaviors. It may be challenging for caregivers to mask frustration over 

a family member's different parenting style or behaviors, but children are better off when caregivers 

avoid criticizing parents and affirm a parent's love (so long as safety is not an issue). This may mean 

making a conscious effort to defuse anger and to steer clear of negative comments.

BEING SUPPORTIVE TO MOTIVATE AND SUSTAIN CHANGE

Parents who are working to bring their children home will benefit when caregivers and other family 

members support and affirm their efforts to overcome negative behaviors. Having a supportive 

relative as a foster caregiver also increases the likelihood that there will be someone there to 

support the parent and family throughout the case and after it is closed. This can help the family 

move forward and prevent children from reentering care. 

"Every single day I am asking myself if I am saying anything in front of the children that might alert 

them to the fact that I am not happy with the situation. I don't want them to think any less of their 

parent because of something I say or do, or even an expression I make. I'm not saying I'm 100 percent 

successful! I work at it all the time. Sometimes I need to think, 'Bite your tongue and walk away!'" 

—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent

"I'm always telling my grandkids, 'Your mom loves you. Your dad loves you.' That's an important 

message for the kids to hear from the kin. And it's important for us to tell the parent, 'I know you love 

your child.'"—Vicki, kinship caregiver/grandparent and former birth parent reunified with children

"It's a balancing act of trying to role model and then understanding that we will agree to disagree. I 

think there needs to be a lot of conversation when the children aren't about. To be fair to everyone, you 

need to be able to say, 'Look, we're not always going to be able to agree on our parenting styles. In this 

home, this is the way we do it....' I hope [my daughter-in-law] will integrate [these parenting strategies] 

into some of the ways that she responds."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent

"[My sister and I] have very different parenting styles. That was so hard for me...The way she would 

discipline would be different than what I do. She was very strict. I really learned to parent by watching 

her and following her lead and learning to be a responsible parent for my kids."—Connie, birth parent 

who reunified with her children
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 6

Having a child removed from the home can result in feelings of betrayal, anger, shame, and hurt. 

When parents have someone to believe in them and encourage them, it can help enormously with 

the healing process; the parent's resilience; and, ultimately, family reunification. Adopting a 

nonjudgmental stance—based on humility and acceptance—when working with family members can 

go a long way. 

LEANING ON THE CASEWORKER, AGENCY, AND SUPPORT SERVICES

Parents, caregivers, caseworkers, and related professionals working as a team can improve outcomes 

for children and families. A caseworker can serve as a useful go-between for the kinship caregiverparent partnership and as someone to provide case plan guidance and direction. Accessing help 

outside of the formal child welfare system through kinship navigator programs, parent support 

groups, faith-based organizations, and community nonprofits can provide much needed support and 

relief. 

"[Birth parents] are already so ashamed of themselves. They already feel like the most awful parent 

in the world and they've made a lot of mistakes. [Kinship caregivers] are in a lot more stable position 

coming into this, so they may have to be the bigger person to take the first step...be a part of family 

healing and reach out in a very human way."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children

"Try not to be adversarial. I get that some grandparents in relative placement are trying to protect the 

kids, and they probably have had enough of the parents. Reach out and be supportive to change and 

be the person that believes in them."—Donna, birth parent reunified with her children

"There would be times when [my children and I] had a harder visit and my sister would talk to the kids 

and be like, '[Your mom's] working so hard!' Once, my daughter bit me during a visit, and my sister 

would [scold her]. 'Do you realize [your mom] walked on her feet to get here and it's 16 miles because 

she wants to see you guys?' [My sister] supported me and did not talk down to me. I feel like she was 

in my corner even when I did not know she was. I thought she hated me, but my worker told me she 

advocated for me."—Connie, birth parent reunified with children

"[My daughter-in-law] goes to treatment every day. So, when she goes on a Saturday morning, I'm the 

one who transports her back and forth, 25 to 35 minutes each way. During that time, I'll say things like, 

'I'm really proud of you and I'm sure it's really hard to have this huge commitment to be in treatment 

every single day—to not be able to sleep in late or to just be there to play with your child.' It's an effort. 

I don't pretend to sound like it isn't."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 7

MAKING VISITS WORK

Regular parent-child and child-sibling visit schedules help to maintain connections and hope. Visits 

can be tricky during kinship care as typical family dynamics may be affected by agency protocols and 

vice versa. Parents may resent if visits are supervised or if their relative caregivers restrict them. 

Open communication about case progress and expectations can enhance outcomes. 

SECURING SUPPORT TO PROMOTE REUNIFICATION

The child welfare agency can help families and caregivers access local resources that may help with 

kinship care. Securing such help can make a tremendous difference in outcomes for children and 

families. Families can also find help through local organizations and kinship support groups that help 

new caregivers partner with family members and access necessary supports. 

Child Welfare Information Gateway hosts a For Relative/Kinship Caregivers webpage that offers a 

list of resources and State and local examples for family members providing kinship care (https://

www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/promoting/parenting/relative/). State-specific kinship 

care resources are available on the grandfamilies.org website, a collaboration of Casey Family 

Programs, the American Bar Association's Center on Children and the Law, and Generations United 

(http://www.grandfamilies.org/State-Fact-Sheets).

"[Agency-sponsored visits] may be helpful for the parent and child [because] somebody’s supervising 

who is much more neutral than I am. I think that’s very important for them, because I have all my 

judgments. They may be feeling that during that [visit] time they’re more in charge. The goal is to 

move toward unsupervised visits. The goal is to work toward an overnight in their home and eventually 

reunification."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent

"My sister brought my children to five visits a week. She made sure to bring them to see me...When 

I was longing for my kids and she felt I was ready, she spoke up to the social workers and said I was 

ready."—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 8

CONCLUSION

The best partnerships are built on trust and communication. While trusting a family member who has 

struggled with addiction, mental or behavioral health issues, or other problems may be difficult, these 

individuals need affirmation and support, particularly when they have taken the often difficult first 

steps to becoming a better parent. Just as parents may need help to improve their parenting skills, 

relative caregivers may also need help to adjust to their changing roles as caregivers. Children and 

family will benefit when both sides are willing to work together. 

PARTNERSHIP RESOURCES

The resources below may provide useful information and direction.

ORGANIZATIONS

Birth and Foster Parent Partnership (BFPP) (https://ctfalliance.org/partnering-with-parents/

bpnn/resources/#bfpp) supports birth families working together with foster and kinship care 

providers to strengthen families and promote reunification. BFPP is a partnership of the National 

Alliance of Children's Trust and Prevention Funds, the Youth Law Center's Quality Parenting 

Initiative, and Casey Family Programs. 

Birth Parent National Network (BPNN) (https://ctfalliance.org/partnering-with-parents/bpnn/) 

champions birth parents as leaders and strategic partners in prevention and child welfare systems reform. 

Generations United advocates for families in which children are being raised by grandparents or 

other family members (https://www.gu.org/explore-our-topics/grandfamilies/).

Grandfamilies.org provides free access to resources that support grandfamilies and educate 

individuals about State kinship laws (http://grandfamilies.org/).

"My friends who don’t know how to get/ask for help end up losing their kids. Most people don’t know 

help is available. So many grandparents want to take kids but end up giving them back because they 

don’t know where to get help."—Dan, birth parent reunified with his children after his mother stepped 

in to provide kinship care

"I would recommend going to meetings, classes, etc.—any resources you can utilize...I didn’t realize 

how beneficial the classes would be on grief, loss, etc. It was a big loss for [my grandson] to leave his 

parents. He was almost 2 when I took him in."—Susan, kinship caregiver/grandparent 

"Being able to find peers [is the most important support]. No one else is going to understand this...

Reach out to support groups. There are entities that can help with financial and emotional supports. 

You need support not only for the children but for yourself as well. It’s pretty hard to take care of 

children if you can’t take care of yourself."—Helen, kinship caregiver/grandparent
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 9

PUBLICATIONS

The Grandkin Guide: Frequently Asked Questions and Answers for Relatives Raising Children explains 

what extended family members can expect when they are asked to step in and care for children (https://

newfoundva.org/images/stories/documents/TheGrandKinGuide_lowres.pdf).

Grand Resource: Help for Grandfamilies Impacted by Opioids and Other Substance Use offers tips on how 

to engage with birth parents, practice self-care, address childhood trauma, etc. (https://www.gu.org/

resources/grand-resource-help-for-grandfamilies-impacted-by-opioids-and-other-substance-use/).

Kinship Caregivers and the Child Welfare System explains how relative caregivers can work effectively with 

the child welfare system (https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f-kinshi/). 

Partnering With Birth Parents to Support Reunification explores how caregivers can partner with parents to 

promote family reunification (https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets-families-partnerships/). 

Taking Care of Yourself: Tips for Kinship Care Providers helps relative caregivers identify their strengths, 

understand the impacts of trauma, and avoid burnout (https://cssp.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/

Self-Care-for-Kinship-Care-Providers.pdf).

WEB RESOURCES

Help Guide: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren explores key issues about the practical and 

emotional challenges of assuming kinship care (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/

grandparents-raising-grandchildren.htm).

The Kinship Care section of the Information Gateway website provides a list of resources to support 

kinship care (https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/outofhome/kinship/). 

The Reunifying Families section of the Information Gateway website provides a list of resources to 

support family reunification (https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/permanency/reunification/).

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: 

This product was developed with assistance from Alison Caliendo of Foster Kinship, Las Vegas, NV, and Jaia 

Peterson Lent of Generations United, Washington, DC, who helped connect us with the featured kinship 

caregivers and parents.

SUGGESTED CITATION:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2020). Partnering With Relatives to Promote Reunification. Washington, DC: 

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children’s Bureau.

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information 

Gateway. This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets-families-partner-relatives.

U.S. Department of Health and Human 

Services Administration for Children and 

Families Administration on Children, 

Youth and Families Children’s Bureau
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 10

"Support parents 

every step of 

the way. Come 

in with good 

intentions, 

patience, and a 

clean heart."

—Brianna, birth parent 

reunified with her children

"Just be grateful, and if you 

can say ‘thank you’ or just one 

compliment to the person who’s 

caring for your children—just one 

thing like, ‘Thank you for caring 

for my kids while I can’t’—it’s 

going to shift things to an attitude 

of gratitude."

—Connie, birth parent reunified with her children

"Be sure you know what 

you’re getting into. Ask 

questions. And be pushy if 

you need help. You can’t give 

up on [the children involved] 

because they deserve to 

know that they matter...if 

you give up on them, they’re 

going to be more likely to 

give up on themselves."

—Vicki, kinship caregiver/grandparent and 

formerly a birth parent reunified with her children

"Be proactive in the 

case. Go to every court 

hearing. Make sure 

that the judge sees you 

and knows who you 

are. You are the voice 

for that child. Make 

sure you are heard."

—Heather, kinship caregiver/

grandparent

"You need to act and plan for the long term. 

If this is going to put you under too much 

stress, you are not going to succeed and the 

child is not going to succeed...."

—Lee, kinship caregiver/grandparent

WORDS TO REMEMBER

Words of advice from caregivers and parents who provided support or who were 

supported in kinship care: