Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS

800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov

FACTSHEET 

FOR FAMILIES

January 2015

WHAT’S INSIDE

Adoption and child 

development 

Gaps in development

Talking about adoption

Discipline 

Parenting Your Adopted 

Preschooler

Children ages 3 to 5 are limited in how much 

they can understand about adoption. Like all 

children of this age, adopted children are naturally 

curious and may ask many questions. They are 

also growing and changing rapidly. As their 

abilities develop, so will their understanding of 

their place in their families and communities. 

These early years are a good time for you to start 

practicing talking about adoption in a positive and 

relaxed manner. This will set the stage for open 

communication as your child grows.

This factsheet is designed to help you understand 

your preschooler’s developmental needs. It also 

provides practical strategies to promote a warm 

and loving relationship with your child based 

on honesty and trust. Finally, this factsheet can 

serve as a reference for parents to revisit as their 

adopted child navigates the preschool years.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

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This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway.

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.

Adoption and Child Development

It is important to understand the typical developmental 

tasks and needs of preschoolers, as well as how adoptionrelated experiences may affect your child. This knowledge 

will help you better meet his or her needs, build a close 

relationship with your child, and promptly identify and 

address any delays.

Preschooler Development

Preschoolers don’t need special classes or expensive toys 

to learn and grow. Simple everyday interactions such as 

singing, talking, touching, rocking, and reading can help 

create a bond with your child and support healthy growth. 

The following are common characteristics and needs of 

preschoolers:

What preschool

How to jump, hop, climb, ride a tricycle, throw a ball 

(large muscle development)

How to color, draw, cut with scissors, brush teeth, dress 

and undress themselves, use forks and spoons (fine 

muscle skills) 

How to put words and short phrases together

 How to concentrate on a task

How to recognize family members and friends

How to name simple emotions such as happy, angry, 

sad, or scared 

 How to express emotions in an appropriate way

How preschoolers think:

They believe in magic and imaginary characters such as 

fairies, elves, and monsters.

They believe that they cause life-changing events, that 

everything revolves around them, and that everyone 

shares their point of view. 

Their thoughts are often occupied by fantasies and 

fears.

They give lifelike qualities to nonliving objects (children 

may believe that a stuffed animal has thoughts and 

feelings).

They are literal thinkers and may not understand 

abstract concepts (children may think a child “put up 

for adoption” is literally put up on a shelf).

What you can do:

Provide space, activities, and playthings to stimulate 

both large and small muscle groups.

Provide chances to play and talk with others.

Give them the opportunity to make simple choices 

(what to wear or eat). Narrow down choices to just a 

few things to keep them from being overwhelmed with 

options.

Read to your child, and nurture an interest in reading 

by visiting libraries and bookstores.

Teach appropriate social skills through words and by 

example.

 Model and talk about healthy ways to cope with 

emotions.

 Calm their fears. (“See, there are no monsters 

hiding under your bed.”) Remember that you may 

not understand why they are afraid of some things, 

especially if a fear is linked to a past memory.

 Help them understand cause and effect. (“You went 

into foster care because your parents had grown-up 

problems that kept them from being able to take care 

of you, not because of anything you did.”)

If possible, when transitioning a preschooler into your 

family, use familiar foods, clothing, and blankets—little 

things that will help them feel comfortable and ease 

the transition.

Be calm, patient, consistent, and predictable. Listen to 

your child, and be emotionally and physically available.

The National Library of Medicine provides a brief 

overview of the typical developmental tasks of preschool 

children: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/

article/002013.htm
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

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Effects of Early Experiences

Children’s brains grow rapidly during the early years 

of life and are shaped by a child’s experiences, both 

good and bad. When the brain is stimulated in positive 

ways, connections related to those experiences form 

(for example, talking and singing with and reading 

to your child helps develop the connections related 

to language). Negative life experiences—such as 

maltreatment, involvement with the child welfare system, 

and institutionalization—also impact brain functioning 

and are risk factors for cognitive, emotional, social, health, 

and developmental delays. They may also cause sensory 

processing issues, where children can be either sensory 

seeking or sensory avoiding as a way to calm their nervous 

systems. The experiences described below sometimes 

contribute to delays or disabilities, but they do not affect 

all children in the same way:

Poor prenatal care. If your child’s birth mother had poor 

prenatal care or nutrition, your child’s physical or mental 

development may have been harmed. Prenatal exposure 

to alcohol or drugs may damage a child’s developing 

brain or lead to specific disabilities. In preschool-age 

children, prenatal alcohol- and drug-related impairments 

can cause learning disabilities and poor self-control 

and social adjustment. It may be hard to tell if a child’s 

impairments are related to substance abuse or to trauma 

after birth.

Child abuse or neglect. If your child experienced early 

neglect or abuse, that experience could limit his or her 

physical, mental, emotional, and social development. 

Often children can catch up to peers, although 

their development takes longer, but in some cases, 

development is permanently damaged. Children whose 

early lives are harsh and/or unpredictable may not be able 

to develop the trust needed for healthy emotions. Sexual 

abuse can have an especially negative impact on young 

children by altering a child’s understanding of appropriate 

roles and relationships. Physical abuse and harsh physical 

punishment may affect how a child responds to discipline.

Institutionalization or multiple moves. Young children 

in institutional care (e.g., orphanages) are at risk for delays 

in mental, social, and physical growth. They also may have 

challenges processing sensory information or challenges 

with balance and movement. Institutionalization 

or multiple moves from family to family may limit a 

young child’s ability to form a healthy attachment to a 

primary caregiver. This can delay emotional and social 

development. 

Grief and loss. Children who experience separation from 

their birth parents may feel an unresolved sense of grief 

or guilt. Even children adopted as infants will experience 

grief about the loss of their birth parents and a potential 

life with them. These feelings may recur over their lifetime, 

particularly at milestones in life, even when the adoption 

was a positive experience. Unresolved grief can affect a 

child’s emotional and mental development. 

Trauma. Trauma is an emotional response to a stressful 

experience that threatens or causes harm (such as 

child abuse, neglect, separation from loved ones, 

institutionalization, and multiple moves). While most 

children have some resilience, trauma overwhelms a 

child’s natural ability to cope, and untreated trauma can 

interfere with a child’s physical, cognitive, emotional, 

and social health and development. Some of the signs 

of trauma in preschool-aged children include irritability 

(fussiness), tantrums, startling easily or being difficult to 

calm, repeating traumatic events in play or conversation, 

and delays in reaching a variety of milestones.

Parents should know that while the experiences outlined 

above can negatively affect a child’s development, every 

child is different. Not all children will exhibit impairments 

or disabilities. For those children that do, there is hope. 

Parents can help their children build resilience (the 

ability to cope and heal) following negative life events 

with nurturing and support. Many children will catch 

up developmentally; some children will always have 

challenges.

More information on brain development is available 

at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/impact/

development/brain.

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

4

Gaps in Development

Children who spent a lot of time living with a family or 

in an institution and experienced maltreatment may 

not learn how to communicate well or to express their 

feelings. They may not have had chances to play with 

other children, take turns, or just have fun. If this was your 

child’s experience, your child may be much younger in 

development than his or her chronological age, and it may 

be helpful to think of your child as being younger. This 

reduces expectations that can frustrate a child or damage 

his or her self-esteem. Your child may need time to “catch 

up” to children in the same age group in some skills, and 

most children are able to do so, particularly if parents 

are patient with their child and if they offer the guidance 

and experiences necessary for growth. Although parents 

might be uncomfortable allowing their child to behave in 

a younger manner, children must go back and learn what 

they have missed in order to grow. Also, if your child’s first 

language is not English, there may be additional delays 

and challenges. 

You can help your child overcome these developmental 

gaps by considering your child’s developmental needs, 

rather than his or her age. Allow your child to learn at his 

or her own pace. Break tasks down into smaller, doable 

steps so that the child can feel a sense of mastery and 

accomplishment. This encourages progress.

The following are some examples:

Teach your child new ways to interact and 

communicate. Use both actions and words. (“I am 

waiting for my turn to throw the Frisbee.” “John 

showed his anger with words, instead of hitting.”) 

Teach your child about safety, privacy, and healthy 

family relationships. Demonstrate appropriate 

behavior and explain. (“In this home we go to the 

bathroom one at a time,” or “We don’t talk to 

strangers.”) 

 Use simple games and activities that help your child 

develop and coordinate all five senses. Finger-paint 

in the bathtub with colored shaving cream, practice 

writing with foam rubber letters, play dress-up with 

multifabric clothing and accessories, identify toys and 

point out their different characteristics (red, yellow, 

smooth, soft, big, small). Allow your child to play with 

“baby toys” designed for much younger children. A 

child cannot catch up without experiencing earlier 

developmental steps. 

Parenting to Build Attachment

Secure attachment—the strong emotional bond between 

child and primary caregiver that makes a child feel safe 

and loved—is an important and powerful influence that 

positively affects a child’s brain development, social and 

emotional development, and self-regulation. Children 

who have experienced trauma (such as maltreatment 

and involvement in the child welfare system) may exhibit 

problems associated with a lack of healthy attachment 

to a caregiver, including developmental delays, difficult 

social relationships, struggles with emotional regulation, 

aggression, low self-esteem, and depression.

You can use knowledge of your child’s history and 

developmental needs to help enhance his or her 

attachment to you. Offer your child the kind of attention, 

nurturing, and physical closeness that he or she may have 

missed during early months and years. This is particularly 

important for children who have experienced traumatic 

life events because positive, healthy relationships with 

supportive and loving caregivers increase the odds of 

recovery.

What you can do:

 Smile at your child often, make loving eye contact, and 

use frequent praise.

 Increase your physical contact (hug, hold hands, 

let your child sit on your lap, even lovingly apply 

a bandage to a small cut). Be careful to use “safe 

touch” with children who may have been sexually 

abused. (For more information, see the Child Welfare 

Information Gateway factsheet Parenting a Child Who 

Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and 

Adoptive Parents at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f-abused.)

Spend as much time with your child as possible. 

Consider reducing your work hours or taking a leave of 

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This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

5

absence during the child’s initial placement, if you are 

able. 

Allow your child to go back to an earlier developmental 

stage, such as rocking on your lap cuddled in a 

blanket. Play baby games like peek-a-boo, feeding 

each other, and pat-a-cake.

Show your child how to play, how to have fun, and how 

to be silly. 

Establish regular routines, guidelines, family activities, 

and traditions. 

Plan future events to reassure your child that he or 

she will always be part of your family. Show your 

child where he or she will go to grade school, middle 

school, and high school. Talk about the future in your 

conversations (e.g., next Thanksgiving, next summer, 

on your sixth birthday).

Help your child grieve losses. Talk about former 

caregivers, and look at their photos together, if 

available. Allow your child to feel sad and to miss 

people; it doesn’t lessen your child’s bond with you.

 Help your child remember his or her past with 

scrapbooks and pictures, but follow your child’s lead. 

Some children may not always want to talk about their 

pasts or have pictures within view. 

 Find ways to make eye contact playing board games 

across from each other, fixing hair, or face painting.

More information on nurturing and attachment is available 

on the Child Welfare Information Gateway website 

at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/

promoting/protectfactors/nurture-attach.

When to Seek Help

Children learn skills (talking, walking, kicking a ball, 

recognizing letters) at their own pace. Don’t become 

alarmed if your child is slightly behind others his or her 

age in one, two, or more areas. 

However, any child, adopted or not, may have a 

developmental delay or disability. This is defined as a 

significant delay in one or more skill areas. Some delays 

are present at birth while others become more evident as 

the child grows. Some delays (e.g., academic struggles) 

are not noticeable until a child gets older. If you notice 

significant delays, loss of previous skills, or extreme 

behavior, contact your child’s doctor. You should also 

report if your child has excessive reactions to touch, light, 

sounds, and motion. A professional can help assess your 

child’s development and determine if serious delays exist. 

If you disagree with your professional, then be sure to 

seek a second opinion or press for further testing. For 

more information on developmental disabilities, see the 

following from the American Academy of Pediatrics at 

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/

conditions/developmental-disabilities/Pages/default.aspx. 

There are many things you can do if you feel that your 

child’s birth family history or early experiences may put 

him or her at risk for developmental delays or disabilities:

Talk to your child’s doctor about the possibility of a 

developmental delay or disability. Choose a doctor 

who has experience with children who have been 

adopted or those in placement, if possible.

 Contact the placing agency to ask about postadoption 

services that may be available. It may be possible and 

helpful to retake preadoption trainings and review the 

materials you acquired during the adoption process. 

Contact your State’s postadoption resource center or 

adoptive parent association. See the of the Adoption 

Assistance by State database (specifically, the question 

that asks, What types of postadoption services are 

available in your State, and how do you find out more 

about them?) on the Information Gateway website 

for more information, available at https://www.

childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance.

 Seek support and advice from experienced adoptive 

parents of children similar to yours. Join an adoptive 

parent support group. (Access Information Gateway’s 

National Foster Care & Adoption Directory to 

locate support groups in your State, available 

at https://www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad/index.

cfm?event=viewSearchForm.) 

 Ask for a professional assessment. Under Federal law, 

a young child who might have a physical, sensory, 

mental, or emotional disability is guaranteed the right 

to an assessment. If your child receives Medicaid, 

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This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

6

screening is free through the Early Periodic Screening, 

Diagnosis, and Treatment (EPSDT) program. For 

more information see, https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/systemwide/service-array/health/

types-of-health-services. 

Attend ongoing training on adoption and special 

needs.

 For children showing signs of trauma, ask the placing 

agency if a trauma/formal mental health assessment 

was done, and, if it was not, request one. Discuss the 

availability of trauma-focused treatment. Be sure an 

adoption-competent practitioner is used.

If your child is found to have a disability, he or she might 

be eligible for Early Childhood Special Education. 

This can include speech therapy, occupational or 

physical therapy, and counseling. Some services can 

be provided at home, while others may be offered at a 

child development center. For information about early 

developmental and behavioral screening for kids see the 

following link from the U.S. Department of Education at 

http://www2.ed.gov/about/inits/list/watch-me-thrive/

index.html. 

It’s important that you maintain a positive attitude and 

establish a tone of loving support and encouragement by 

showing you are willing to meet the child where he or she 

is developmentally. Recent research shows that nurturing 

environments and loving relationships can build resilience 

in children. 

Child Welfare Information Gateway provides more 

information about postadoption services, health service 

locators, respite care, developmental and physical 

disabilities resources, therapy, and adoption preservation 

services on the Finding Services for an Adopted Child 

webpage at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/services.

Talking About Adoption

Parents who project an attitude of acceptance and 

comfort with adoption are better able to help their 

children explore their own feelings and fears. With young 

children, how you say something is more important than 

what you say. Stay relaxed and matter-of-fact. Your tone 

of voice is important. Parents who tense up when the 

topic of adoption is raised may send the message that 

something is wrong with being adopted. Similarly, 

keeping information “secret” implies that adoption is 

negative, bad, or scary. This section provides strategies 

to help you communicate effectively with your 

preschooler.

Talk Openly With Your Child

Preschoolers love stories and will want to hear their own 

adoption story again and again. These years are a great 

time to practice approaching the topic comfortably and 

honestly. Preschoolers are limited in how much they can 

understand about adoption, so simple explanations 

will work best. Be concrete and use props such as dolls, 

simple drawings, and story books. Don’t feel you have 

to cover everything at once; you and your child will 

have many chances to talk about adoption. Remember 

that young children may not be ready to hear all details 

regarding their adoption, particularly upsetting details 

relating to their early treatment or about their birth 

family.

Preschoolers generally feel good about having been 

adopted but may still have questions. At this age, they 

are beginning to notice pregnant women and wonder 

where babies come from. The most important idea for 

the preschooler to grasp is that he or she was born to 

another set of parents and now lives with your family. 

(Some adopted preschoolers have thought that they 

were not born.) You can help your child understand 

this idea using clear and simple explanations. (“Babies 

grow in a special safe place inside their birth mothers’ 

bodies.”) Don’t worry if they initially reject the 

explanation.

Children this age are also self-centered and concrete 

in their thinking. They often blame themselves for 

life events. Language is an important consideration 

whenever discussing adoption, both with your child and 

in responses to other people’s questions when your 

child is present. Tell the adoption story in words that will 

help him or her build a positive identity, calm fears, and 

understand his or her personal story. 

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This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

7

Consider the following word choices:

Instead of: Say:

“Real” mother/father 

OR

“Natural” mother/

father

Birth mother/father 

OR

Biological mother/

father OR

First mother/father

”Adoptive” mother/

father

Mother/father

We could not have 

our own baby.

We could not have a 

baby born to us.

Your birth parents 

were not able to take

care of you.

Your birth parents 

had grown-up 

problems, so they 

could not take care 

of a child.

They gave you up for 

adoption.

They made a plan for 

you to be adopted.

The child is adopted. The child was 

adopted.

More information on the use of language in adoption 

is available on the Child Welfare Information Gateway 

website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/

intro/language. Resources intended to help families 

talk about adoption are also available at https://www.

childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/

talking.

Use a Lifebook

A “lifebook” contains the background and story of your 

child’s life. It is a sort of personal history book, where your 

child can collect pictures of important people, places, and 

events, as well as objects and other memorabilia that have 

a personal meaning and helps answer “Who am I?”.

What you can do:

Start at the beginning of your child’s story—with his or 

her birth, not with the adoption.

 Present facts simply, in ways that the child can 

understand.

Where applicable, maintain contacts with birth family 

members, orphanage staff, and previous caseworkers 

and caregivers to gather photos and memorabilia for 

the book.

 If your child was adopted internationally, include 

visuals from his or her native country (postcards, woven 

fabrics, popular folk images, native cartoon characters).

Allow your child to decide when and with whom to 

share this valuable book.

If necessary, put aside sensitive information until the 

child is old enough to understand it.

 View the lifebook as a therapeutic process, not just 

a book. Chances are, your child’s book may never be 

finished, but that is okay. 

 It is possible that looking through the book may 

cause a child to become upset, particularly on special 

occasions when emotions are already heightened, such 

as holidays. Tuck books away for safe-keeping if they 

are upsetting your child. Pull them back out when you 

child asks. 

 See the Lifebooks section of the Information Gateway 

website for additional resources, tips, and sample 

lifebooks, available at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/lifebooks. 

Support Birth Family Relationships

“Open adoption” refers to maintaining contact between 

the child (adoptee) and his or her birth parents, siblings, 

or other birth relatives. Like not keeping adoption a 

secret, an open adoption can have great benefits for the 

adoptee as well as the adoptive parents and birth families. 

Many adoptive families choose to maintain some level of 

contact with their child’s birth family members, although 

the degree of openness varies. In recent years, there has 

been a growing trend toward open adoptions and, today, 

an open adoption is more often the rule, rather than the 

exception. Adoptive parents often meet birth parents 

before the adoption, whether it is an infant adoption or an 

adoption from foster care. So, the question may not be, 

“Do you want to have contact with the birth family?” but 

“When and what kind of contact would be in your child’s 

best interest?” 

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

8

Families should consider the degree of openness 

that best suits their child’s needs. In some adoptions, 

adoptive family and birth family members contact each 

other directly. Contact can vary from frequent to annual 

in-person visits and phone conversations, to the exchange 

of letters and pictures through the mail with no in-person 

contact. In other adoptions, information is shared through 

an agency, caseworker, or lawyer. Some families choose 

to share only medical histories and other background 

information without identifying information such as last 

names or addresses. Many families, in conjunction with 

their agency, work out a postadoption contact agreement 

with the birth families before the adoption. Families 

should learn more about the benefits of open adoption by 

working with their adoption agency and by reading and 

educating themselves about adoption issues.

The Information Gateway website includes a page on 

Open Adoption and Contact With Birth, which provides 

additional information and resources, including a 

link to the factsheet Openness in Adoption: Building 

Relationships Between Adoptive and Birth Families; visit 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f-openadopt.

Helping Your Child With Postadoption 

Contact

Adoptive parents sometimes worry about relationships 

with the birth family. Sometimes their reaction to the idea 

of openness and contact is one of fear. (Will their child 

prefer the birth parent? Will the child reject the adoptive 

family? Can the child become confused about having two 

families?) Because of these fears, adoptive parents may 

want to limit contact. However, adoption experts note 

that contact with birth family members generally has a 

positive effect on children. Contact with the birth family 

helps a child develop his or her identity, build self-esteem, 

and feel more—not less—attached to the adoptive family. 

Like all relationships, these types of relationships may 

feel awkward at first. Sometimes an outside adoption 

expert, such as a counselor or agency social worker, can 

help everyone define and feel comfortable with their 

respective roles. Early meetings may need to take place 

at a neutral location, or initial contact may be by letter, 

email, or phone.

Preschool-age children have limited understanding of 

their relationship to their birth parents. (One little boy 

said, “Susan is my birthday mother because she comes 

to my birthday parties.”) Help your preschooler see that 

these other “parents” or relatives are important. Speak of 

them respectfully and comment on their positive qualities. 

Seeing that you value his or her birth relatives or previous 

caregivers will help your child feel better about him- or 

herself and closer to you. Children attach and bond with 

those who love and care for them daily, and relationships 

with birth families need not be threatening to adoptive 

parents.

Transracial/Transcultural Openness

While intercountry adoptions (also known as transracial or 

cross-cultural adoptions) remain mostly closed, there is a 

growing trend of openness across international borders. 

Open transracial adoptions may be particularly important 

in helping an adopted child develop a positive selfidentity. Birth parents/relatives may represent the only tie 

to the child’s race and heritage. 

For internationally adopted children with no birth family 

member contacts, show your interest in finding as much 

information about your child’s heritage as you can. Help 

your child learn about his or her country of origin—its 

culture, history, language, native foods and manner or 

dress, and current events. Talk about the possibility of a 

future family trip there, if financially possible. Ideally, your 

family also has ongoing relationships with people of the 

same race and heritage as your adopted child so that 

the child has positive role models whom the child sees 

on a regular basis. For more information see Transracial 

Adoption at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/foster/transracial. 

Social Media

Social media, which includes forms of Internet 

communication, such as social networking websites 

(like Facebook and Twitter), blogs, chat rooms, and 

photolistings—can be useful tools for supporting birth 

family relationships. Growing numbers of birth parents 

and adoptees are using social media to search for and 

contact each other. This evolving level of openness 

in adoption can have both positive and negative 

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This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

9

implications. It means traditional “closed” adoptions 

(those that involve total confidentiality and sealed records) 

may become a thing of the past. Birth and adoptive 

families should understand that, in the age of the Internet, 

private information may not always remain that way. 

Also, parents should prepare their children, and, in turn, 

be prepared for their children to be contacted via the 

Internet by birth family members. Discuss safety and 

privacy concerns, as well as the importance of pacing 

contact.

These resources provide more information:

 Untangling the Web: Internet’s Transformative Impact 

on Adoption, is available on the Adoption Institute 

website at http://adoptioninstitute.org/publications/

untangling-the-web-the-internets-transformativeimpact-on-adoption/. 

Child Welfare Information Gateway’s Searching for 

Birth Relatives has a section on social media and 

searching, available at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f-search. 

○ Additional information on this topic is also available

on the Information Gateway Social Media in 

Adoption web section at https://www.childwelfare.

gov/topics/adoption/intro/social-media-adoption. 

Help Children Cope With Adoption-Related 

Losses

Children adopted as preschoolers often feel sad or angry 

about their separation from the people they remember. 

These may include birth family members, foster parents, 

and orphanage “brothers and sisters.”

Young children, even those who have no conscious 

memories of their birth parents, experience grief and 

need to mourn and work through loss. You can help 

them by answering their questions honestly, accepting 

their feelings, and helping them remember important 

people in their past. Accept sadness as a normal part of 

a child’s coming to terms with adoption. Don’t deny your 

child this feeling or rush him or her through it. However, 

if your preschooler seems sad or angry much of the 

time, seek help. Extreme behaviors or moods (control 

issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme fearfulness, poor 

appetite, aggressiveness) may result from unresolved 

grief or may be signs of untreated trauma. If your 

child shows these behaviors, look for a therapist or 

counselor who specializes in young children and truly 

understands adoption. Ask other adoptive parents for 

recommendations whenever possible. In many cases, 

anger and difficult behavior subside in time, after children 

have vented or worked through their emotions.

Learning to be comfortable with your own feelings about 

adoption, why you chose to adopt (e.g., infertility), or 

missing out on your child’s earlier experiences creates a 

positive and significant bond with your adopted child. You 

may acknowledge your own sadness by saying something 

like, “I’m sad too that I didn’t get to be with you when 

you were just a little baby, but I’m happy that your birth 

mother (and father) had you and that you came to live with 

me, and now we can always be together.”

For more, see the Helping Adopted Children Cope With 

Grief and Loss Information Gateway webpage at https://

www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/

helping. You may also want to read The Impact of 

Adoption on Adoptive Parents (https://www.childwelfare.

gov/pubs/factsheets/impact-parent) and The Impact of 

Adoption on Adopted Persons (https://www.childwelfare.

gov/pubs/f-adimpact).

Address Adoption Fears and Fantasies

Young children who have already lost one home might 

be very fearful of losing another. This may lead to 

increased insecurity. Fears may take the form of sleeping 

or eating difficulties, nightmares, separation difficulties, 

nervousness, or increased allergies and illnesses, but 

there are ways you can build your child’s physical comfort 

level and emotional security. Children may also push 

parents away or severely test limits to see if parents will 

reject them, as a way to protect themselves. Most children 

are unaware they are doing this.

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

10

What you can do:

Build a safe environment. Install nightlights, buy soft 

cuddly clothing, prepare favorite foods, and give your 

child extra attention. Try to keep important toys and 

clothes from your child’s past. Establishing consistent 

routines and rules will also help your child feel safe and 

secure.

Let your child know that you will always be there.

Reassure your child that your family and home are 

permanent. If your child was adopted past infancy, he or 

she may experience separation anxieties. When you leave 

the house, make sure to point out that your departure 

is temporary. Offer something of yours, like a watch or 

bracelet to get back from your child when you return. This 

helps a child believe that you really will come home.

Acknowledge fantasies. Many children fantasize about 

an alternate family life. Some children dream of a “real” 

mother who never reprimands or a father who serves 

ice cream for dinner. The fantasies of an adopted child 

may be more frequent or intense because another set of 

parents really exists. Accept your child’s pretending or 

wishing without defensiveness. 

Give your child permission to talk about birth family 

members and/or wonder about family they have not 

met. You can even take the lead by saying, “I bet your 

birth mom thinks about you,” or “I wonder if your birth 

dad had such clear blue eyes like yours.” Teach your 

preschooler that it is okay to care about both adopted 

parents and birth parents.

Introduce pets and/or encourage interaction with 

animals. Interaction with animals can be very therapeutic. 

Something as simple as holding or petting an animal can 

help ease anxiety and loneliness. Pets can also help teach 

children the importance of trust and responsibility, as 

well as how to regulate emotion (if a child wants to pet a 

cat, he or she will learn to be calm and not scare the cat 

away). Children may also discover that once they are able 

to handle a pet, they are better able to manage their own 

lives. Monitor early pet experiences as some children may 

not know how to behave around animals, and this ensures 

the safety of both your child and the animal.

Be Sensitive to Daycare/Preschool Issues

Parents often wonder whether they should talk to their 

child’s teacher about adoption or the child’s past. A good 

rule to follow is to share only the information needed 

to ease the child’s adjustment and to keep your child 

and his or her classmates safe. Aside from parents and 

immediate family, school is often the most consistent 

and predictable part of a child’s life. So, for children 

that may have experienced traumatic life events, such 

as child maltreatment, separation from loved ones, and/

or multiple moves, a structured classroom environment 

that includes interaction with supportive adults can 

help children develop resilience and improve in other 

emotional, behavioral, and social areas. However, parents 

may need to help school staff be more aware of and 

sensitive to the needs of adoptive families. Certain 

assignments may be difficult for adopted children, such 

as bringing baby photos to school. Ask that adoption be 

included in materials and discussions. Consider donating 

appropriate picture books about adoption, and help 

teachers learn positive adoption language.

The Adoption and School section of the Child Welfare 

Information Gateway website provides information for 

families and teachers on a variety of adoption-related 

school issues (https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/school).

Discipline Considerations

The purpose of discipline is to teach, re-teach, and 

assist children in developing their own internal controls. 

Discipline should take into account your child’s abilities, 

learning styles, and family history. There are many 

resources available to help parents learn and use positive 

discipline. This section provides information about a 

few specific strategies that may be particularly useful for 

parents of adopted children.

Note that parents need to be especially careful with 

children who have been abused or neglected. Physical 

punishment and threats of physical punishment should 

not be used as forms of discipline. See Information 

Gateway’s Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced Abuse 

or Neglect for information and resources on disciplining a 

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

11

child that has been maltreated (https://www.childwelfare.

gov/pubs/parenting-CAN).

Establish Routines and Rules

Young children thrive on consistency and routine. 

Routines and rules help children begin to organize their 

worlds and regulate their own emotions; they can be 

especially helpful for children whose worlds previously 

felt chaotic. Children are generally more cooperative and 

secure when they know what to expect. 

Preschool children need just a few simple rules to 

promote child safety and family harmony. From the 

moment your child joins your family, establish the 

household routines that will ease everyday life. Routines 

for meals and bedtime are especially important. Be 

patient when explaining and demonstrating your rules 

and routines. Be cautious about varying the routines until 

you are sure your child is used to them and feels secure. 

Even school holidays with disrupted routines at home can 

be upsetting for a child.

Use Developmentally Appropriate Rewards 

and Consequences

Children respond better to praise and positive attention 

and rewards than to scolding or correcting. Preschoolers 

love being told that they have done something well. Praise 

reinforces positive behaviors, and children will seek more 

chances for praise. Try to warn your child ahead of time 

of what the consequences of specific actions will be, for 

instance, “If you don’t clean up your toys, then we won’t 

watch TV,” which gives the child a chance to comply.

Be sure to notice and praise specific behavior. For 

example: “You did a great job waiting your turn” is more 

effective than “You’re a good girl.” In fact, nonspecific 

labels such as “good girl” may backfire with adopted 

children who were neglected or abused. Their self-esteem 

may be so low that they cannot believe they are good or 

worthy. 

As preschoolers mature, they begin to see the connection 

between cause and effect. With this ability, they are ready 

to learn through both natural and logical consequences. 

Natural consequences occur without parental 

intervention. The natural consequence of leaving a toy 

outside overnight might be that it gets rusty or stolen. 

Logical consequences are determined by the parent. For 

example, a logical consequence of running into the street 

may be to come inside for the rest of the afternoon.

When using logical consequences, it is important to be 

extra sensitive to a child who has experienced poverty 

or neglect. For such a child, the loss of a toy might seem 

so tragic that it interferes with the lesson to be learned. 

Coach, explain, and give second chances. If your child was 

prenatally exposed to alcohol, he or she may have extra 

difficulty understanding the connections between actions 

and consequences. Work with a knowledgeable therapist 

or parent coach to develop an appropriate discipline 

strategy. 

Use Time In Instead of Time Out

Many parents and teachers of preschoolers like to use 

a brief period of isolation to help a child regain selfcontrol. This is known as time out. For children who have 

developed a secure attachment to others, a few minutes 

of time out are often effective. These children don’t like to 

be alone, and they will improve their behavior quickly so 

that they can rejoin the group. If you use time out for your 

3- to 5-year-old, keep it short, and remain in sight of your 

child. 

However, the time out method is not the best approach 

for children who have been neglected, abused, or 

institutionalized. The main challenge in parenting these 

children is to help them form healthy attachments. In 

these cases, use the time in method. Time in is useful 

because it avoids distancing kids from parents, playmates, 

and the rest of the family. When your preschooler’s 

behavior indicates out-of-control emotions, take him or 

her aside and say: “Time in. You need to stay right here 

with me until you are ready to join the group.” Keep the 

child physically close to you until he or she is calmer. If the 

child is extremely agitated, you may need to sit him or her 

securely on your lap. This will send a message of support 

without the need for a temporary separation. Attending 

parenting classes or reading parenting books specific to 

adoption, attachment, or children exposed to trauma also 

will be helpful.

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway.

This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 

Administration for Children and Families 

Administration on Children, Youth and Families 

Children’s Bureau

Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler https://www.childwelfare.gov

Additional resources on discipline and child welfare are 

available on the Information Gateway website at https://

www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/defining/disc-abuse.

Summary

The preschool years are a good time for adoptive parents 

to increase their comfort with and sensitivity to adoption 

issues. These years also play an important part in creating 

a bond between parent and child based on honesty 

and trust. With a few adjustments, these early years can 

provide the foundation for healthy development and a 

warm and loving parent-child relationship.

As your child grows, you may find it helpful to view 

the Child Welfare Information Gateway companion 

publications Parenting Your Adopted School-Age Child

(https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parentschool-age) and Parenting Your Adopted Teenager

(https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/

parent-teenager).

For more information, visit the Child Welfare Information 

Gateway website at https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/

adoption/adopt-parenting/stages.

Suggested citation:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2015). Parenting your 

adopted preschooler. Washington, DC: U.S. Department 

of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau.