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Guide for Families Experiencing the Criminal Justice System

GUIDE FOR INCARCERATION STAGE (Guide 2 of 3)

THREE-WAY LINES OF 

COMMUNICATION: Facility—

Incarcerated Parent—Family

Incarceration involves 

three key parties: the 

facility, the incarcerated 

parent, and the family. 

Together, these parties 

contribute to the success 

of improving communication, building and 

maintaining parent–child relationships, and 

promoting quality self-care and care for the 

children of the incarcerated parent. 

For example, the family could send a book to 

the parent at the facility, provided the facility 

allows the parent to receive the book and then 

permits the parent to read to the children faceto-face, by phone, or by a video chat.

Families and children have unique needs when 

a parent is incarcerated. When this happens, 

a family gets involved with the criminal justice 

system in stages. This guide is the second in a 

series of three guides that cover a family’s journey 

as the family navigates the justice system when a 

parent is incarcerated.

• Arrest (Guide 1) 

• Jail Time/Detention (Guide 1)

• Hearing/Trial (Guide 1)

• Sentencing (Guide 1)

• Incarceration

• Reentry (Guide 3)

The tips and tools in this guide aim to help 

families care for the children of incarcerated 

parents by

• maintaining and strengthening communication,

• managing and strengthening relationships, 

and

• managing stress and emotions and 

promoting self-care and care for the children

during the incarceration stage. 

Many of the concepts and tips are informed by 

listening sessions with incarcerated parents and 

youth who have or have had an incarcerated 

parent: https://youth.gov/coip/listening-session.

For this guide, the federal Interagency Working 

Group on Youth Programs draws on the work 

of the Bureau of Justice Statistics to define the 

incarcerated population as “The population of 

inmates confined in a prison or a jail. This may also 

include halfway houses, boot camps, weekend 

programs, and other facilities in which individuals 

are locked up overnight.”

http://www.YOUth.gOv/COIp
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These tips are suggestions. Not every tip is right for every family. You can decide which ideas you like and 

which ideas meet the unique needs of your situation. Choose the ideas that are the right fit for the children, 

the family, and the incarcerated parent. 

The Facility: What Families Should Know 

• Although they may differ by facility, every facility has rules and 

procedures that visitors must follow when visiting a person in prison. 

Visiting a parent in prison is no different. Your family can find out 

about the rules by talking to your case worker, asking the incarcerated 

parent, reading the information sent home by the facility to family 

members, or by looking at the facility website or the state corrections 

agency website. 

• It is a good idea to find out about the rules before you visit for the first time.

• You cannot control these rules. Instead, accept and follow the rules to make the best of what may 

be a tough situation.

• Security procedures at a facility are important because they help to ensure the safety of everyone, 

including the family and children, the incarcerated parent, and staff at the facility. 

• Such procedures are written for staff at the facility but may need to be interpreted so that you can 

better understand them. 

• Rules may not allow the incarcerated parent to touch his or her children. For example, the children 

may not be allowed to sit on the lap of or hug the incarcerated parent.

• The facility may not include family-friendly items, such as toys or books, in visitation rooms.

• The facility may have special visiting areas for incarcerated parents who have completed a special 

parenting skills class.

Note: See page 9 for helpful questions about visitation.

Tips 

The general tips in this guide are important for families with children of any age. These general tips are 

organized under three topics: communication, relationships, and care for self and the children of the 

incarcerated parent. Later, the guide offers tips to families of children in specific age groups: children 

(0–6 and 7–12 years old), youth (13–18 years old), and young adults (19–25 years old). The context 

of these tips may be better understood or handled by children in the specific age groups. These age 

groups are only ranges. Families should consider the maturity of their own children when deciding 

what tips are appropriate for a given situation.

General Tips 

Communication

• Discuss with the young person how best to address questions from friends, teachers, neighbors, 

and other family members about the incarcerated parent. Think about how much of the family 

Extra Resource: 

This website from 

the Bureau of Prisons 

has helpful general 

visiting information:

https://www.bop.gov/

inmates/visiting.jsp
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story you want to share.

{ For example, you may decide to tell the children’s guidance 

counselor and teachers at school. If you do, ask the guidance 

counselor and teachers to be sensitive to certain activities, such as 

making cards on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or other holidays.

• As a caregiver, seek information and ask questions at every stage in 

the justice process. The more you know, the better you will understand 

the process and anticipate next steps. Having a better understanding 

will enable you to explain details to the children so that they know what 

to expect.

• Follow the facility’s rules. Ask questions about the rules if you don’t 

understand them or if something isn’t clear. 

{ If the rules don’t seem to support healthy parent–child relationships, 

then seek help. Talk with your case manager or speak to a family 

advocate (if the facility offers one). Add comments to the suggestion 

box in the visitation room, and/or contact leaders at the facility to 

discuss ways to make the rules more family friendly.

{ Keep in mind that safety and security are the number one priorities 

of facilities. All rules and regulations stem from these priorities.

• Set the right level of visitation and communication with the incarcerated 

parent for the children. Consider the children’s maturity levels and 

abilities to understand the situation. Also, think about factors at the 

facility, such as the visiting area.

{ Ask the incarcerated parent about his or her wishes for visiting and 

communicating with the children. 

{ Depending on the children’s ages and maturity levels, ask the 

children about their wishes for visiting and communicating.

{ Consider the costs of visits and how to budget for them. There may be expenses you had not 

anticipated, for example, gas for your vehicle, use of public transportation, and meals on the 

road. Also, think about the mode of and costs for communication, for example, phone calls, 

video chats, and stamps for mailing letters.

{ Visit and communicate with the incarcerated parent as often as possible, but stay within the 

facility’s rules and what fits your family. 

• When the children are around, try to keep your comments positive or neutral, even if there are 

things about the facility, staff, or rules that upset you.

Relationships

• Strive to maintain or improve relationships among the family and children, the incarcerated parent, 

and staff at the facility.

• Encourage the incarcerated parent to create short- and long-term goals for reentry. Planning 

for reentry begins during incarceration. Focus on plans for education, employment, finances, 

housing, parenting, and strengthening relationships.

Extra Resource: 

This video and 

discussion guide are 

designed for school 

staff who provide 

direct supports 

and services to 

students: teachers, 

administrators, 

and support staff 

(e.g., school social 

worker, psychologist, 

guidance counselor, 

librarian, art teacher, 

PE teacher, cafeteria 

worker, custodian, 

bus driver). School 

staff contributed to 

the planning and 

content and several 

are featured in 

the video: https://

youth.gov/youthtopics/children-ofincarcerated-parents/

federal-toolsresources/toolsschool-staff
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• If classes or programs are available to improve parenting skills and 

plan for life ahead, encourage the incarcerated parent to take part in 

the classes or programs. Such programs promote stronger parent–

child relationships. They may also help to increase visitation rights 

and may improve parole and reentry outcomes. Ideas include the 

following: 

{ Parenting classes

{ Communication skill programs (for example, what to say, how to say 

it, and how to better connect with children at their developmental 

levels)

{ Financial planning courses

{ Job skill and education programs (for example, high school or GED 

[general equivalency diploma], college, career and technical education, or certification that may 

lead to job placement upon release or at the facility)

• Set aside time and materials for the children to create artwork or poems to send or take to the 

incarcerated parent (if allowed by the facility). 

• Ask staff at the facility and the incarcerated parent about upcoming, facility-sponsored family 

events. Then, if possible, make plans for the children to attend. This is especially important for 

events designed to improve and encourage the children’s relationships with their incarcerated 

parent. Two examples are activity days and picnics. Arrange ways to take the children to and from 

such events.

• Share with the incarcerated parent things that have changed at home during his or her absence. 

The following are examples of such changes:

{ The children have grown and gotten older. The children’s needs may now differ from the time 

when the parent started incarceration. For example, the children may now be old enough to 

make key decisions in their own lives.

{ Roles and responsibilities in the home may have changed since the parent’s incarceration. For 

example, the older child has been caring for younger siblings and getting them to afterschool 

activities; the caregiver has been in charge of bedtime; and the caregiver and older child have 

been in charge of household decision making.

{ The co-parent or partner of the incarcerated parent may now have a relationship with another 

person.

Self-Care and Care for the Children of an Incarcerated Parent 

• Care for both yourself and that of family members and children are 

very important during this difficult time.

• Consider seeking out support and services, such as advocacy and 

transportation, from churches and faith- and community-based 

organizations.

• Remind the children often that they are not destined to be 

incarcerated like the parent. Don’t support negative stereotypes and 

outcomes. For example, nobody should tell the children that they will 

turn out just like the parent.

Visitation Privileges May 

Include: 

• Extra time for visitation,

• More frequent visits, 

and

• Access to a special 

room or area for 

more relaxed and 

meaningful visits (for 

example, comfortable 

chairs, toys, games, 

books, etc.).

Extra Resource: 

youth.gov has some 

information about 

budgeting and finances 

that may be helpful:

https://youth.gov/

youth-topics/financialcapability-literacy
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Age-Specific Tips

Children 0–6 Years Old 

• Plan and prepare for the children’s visit with 

an incarcerated parent. The children will 

likely have questions, including details about 

arriving at and leaving the facility.

{ Tell the children what will happen when they 

get to the facility and go through security, 

for example, tell them about walking 

through metal detectors and not being 

able to bring a toy into the visiting area and 

about corrections officers wanding visitors 

and inspecting toys and books.

{ Prepare the children if the facility does not 

allow the parent to touch the children, for 

example, hugging, holding hands, and 

sitting on the parent’s lap.

{ Have the children bring a book for the 

parent to read to them in the visiting area, if 

allowed by the facility.

{ Send a book to the incarcerated parent to 

read to the children over the phone or by 

video chat, if allowed by the facility.

{ Bring along facility-approved materials (for 

example, check if the facility allows you 

to bring a coloring book and crayons or a 

small toy) to keep the children busy during 

the visit. 

• Talk to the children after each visit and 

communication (for example, phone call, 

video chat) with the incarcerated parent. Be 

prepared to answer questions such as the 

following: “Why can’t I stay with Mommy?” 

“Why are we leaving Daddy here?” “Why 

can’t I call Mom when I get home from school 

today?”

• Set aside time and materials for the children 

to create artwork or poems to send or take 

to the incarcerated parent (if allowed by the 

facility).

• As reentry approaches, discuss with the 

children the parent’s return home. Share how 

things may change and what may happen 

daily between the parent and the children in 

the home. For example, “Daddy will be living 

here again. He will be home and can play ball 

and color with you.” (Fill in the appropriate 

time frame based on the children’s abilities 

to understand time, such as home in time for 

the children’s birthdays or a specific holiday).

Children up to 6 years of age are typically 

supervised closely by adults in the home, daycare, 

or preschool and kindergarten. Children at this age 

may see that adults in the home are upset but may 

not know why. They may ask general questions 

about their parent’s absence, such as, “Why isn’t 

Mommy here to tuck me in?” or “When is Daddy 

coming home?”

• Think about finding professional counseling for yourself and family members and children. Your doctor 

or the children’s pediatrician may be able to give you names of licensed counselors in your area.

• Pay attention to the family’s budget needs from the loss of the incarcerated parent’s income. Seek 

out advice for making ends meet with reduced income.

• Consider becoming an advocate for youth who have or have had an incarcerated parent. 

{ Seek out youth-focused advocacy and support groups that are friendly to children whose 

parents are incarcerated. If it’s a good fit, get youth involved in approved organizationsponsored activities with other young people with incarcerated parents so that they know they 

are not alone.

{ Try to establish support groups for youth with incarcerated parents. Ask others to join or affiliate 

with the group.
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Children 7–12 Years Old

• Work with the children to help them 

understand that the parent may not be a bad 

person but made a bad decision. As such, 

the parent is incarcerated for not following the 

rules or law.

• Remind the children often that they are 

young and don’t need to grow up quickly 

just because a parent is incarcerated. The 

children don’t need to take the place of the 

parent as the adult in the house. For example, 

a child shouldn’t be expected to provide 

frequent or unreasonable child care to 

younger siblings. 

• Share the visiting schedule with the children 

so that they know of the next visit and the 

time between visits. For example, “We will be 

able to visit Mommy right after Thanksgiving, 

before you go back to school.” Show the 

children the dates on a calendar.

• Help the children prepare for the next visit or 

communication with the incarcerated parent. 

This will improve the likelihood of a good visit 

or communication. For example, help the 

children think of conversation starters. Ask 

the children, “What do you want to talk to 

your dad about?” Possible topics may include 

school, afterschool activities, sports, friends, 

and so forth.

• Talk to the children and ask them questions 

after each visit or communication with the 

incarcerated parent. Be prepared to explain 

procedures at the facility and ask other 

questions based on the children’s responses. 

{ “Do you have any questions about what 

you saw or heard today while visiting your 

mom?”

{ “What was your favorite part about the 

visit? What was your least favorite part?”

• As reentry approaches, discuss with the 

children the parent’s return home. Talk about 

how things have changed at home since the 

parent has been incarcerated. Discuss how 

daily interactions between the children and 

the parent may be different after the parent 

returns home. For example, “Mom will be 

home and can help you with homework. She 

can also go to parent–teacher conferences 

and school events. (Fill in the appropriate time 

frame, such as next month, based on the 

children’s abilities to understand time.)

• Consider having the children visit a counselor 

so that they can speak with a caring and 

objective adult outside the home.

Children 7–12 years old typically are in elementary 

and middle school grades. They are aware of the 

unsettled nature in the home and know when 

adults are upset. They realize that a parent is 

away for an extended time. They may ask specific 

questions about their absent parent, such as, 

“When will I see my dad?” and “Why doesn’t Mom 

live with us?”

Youth 13–18 Years Old 

• Let the youth know that they aren’t the only 

ones with an incarcerated parent. Share with 

the youth statistics on the number of young 

people who have or have had an incarcerated 

parent. This information will prove that they 

are not alone. 

• Remind the youth often that they are young 

and don’t need to grow up quickly just 

because a parent is incarcerated. The youth 

don’t need to take the place of the parent as 

the adult in the house. For example, the youth 

can help with chores and with the care of 

younger siblings. But they shouldn’t provide 

total care for the younger siblings, especially 

at the expense of their education or activities 

with friends. 

Extra Resource: This tip sheet was written 

BY youth who have or have had incarcerated 

parents FOR youth who have incarcerated 

parents: https://youth.gov/youth-topics/

children-of-incarcerated-parents/listeningsessions/tip-sheet-for-youth-coip
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• Share the visiting schedule with the youth so 

that they know of the next visit and the time 

between visits.

• Help the youth prepare for the next visit 

or communication with the incarcerated 

parent. This will improve the likelihood of a 

good visit or communication. Time may be 

limited. Help the youth think of conversation 

starters and topics. For example, talk about 

school, clubs or sports at school and in 

the community, neighborhood events and 

changes, something fun they did, something 

they are looking forward to, or a struggle they 

are facing.

• Work with the youth on expressing their 

feelings about missing the parent.

• Talk to the youth and ask them questions 

after each visit or communication with the 

incarcerated parent. Be prepared to explain 

procedures at the facility and ask other 

questions based on the youth’s responses.

{ “Do you have any questions about what 

you saw or heard today while visiting 

Mom?”

{ “Do you have any questions about the 

visiting process and procedures, for 

example, being wanded, searches, putting 

belongings through X-ray?”

{ “What was your favorite part about the 

visit? What was your least favorite part?” 

• Share the youth’s school schedule with the 

incarcerated parent to let the parent know 

what classes the youth are taking.

• Remind the youth that security staff at the 

facility may open and read mail and e-mail 

and may monitor phone and video chats.

• As reentry approaches, discuss with the 

youth the parent’s return home. Talk about 

how things may be different between the 

parent and the youth when the parent is back 

home. For example, talk about how roles and 

responsibilities in the home may change, 

such as discipline, tasks, chores, the way the 

family operates, and so forth.

Youth 13–18 years old typically understand what 

is going on in their lives and in their family. As a 

result, they may need to learn coping skills (such as 

anger management) to help resolve their feelings, 

internal conflicts, and external pressures. Youth 

at this age typically are in middle and secondary 

school grades. They are seeking independence, 

developing their identities, and learning how to 

work through tough situations.

Young Adults 19–25 Years Old 

• Encourage the young adults to research 

statistics on the number of young people with 

an incarcerated parent. This information will 

prove that they are not alone. Ask the young 

adults to consider sharing these numbers 

with family members.

• Share the visiting schedule with the young 

adults so that they know of the next visit 

and the time between visits. Knowing this 

information, the young adults can plan for 

visits around work and school schedules.

• Support the young adults as they reflect on 

and express their feelings about the missing 

parent and the impact that the parent’s 

incarceration is having on them.

• Encourage continued communication 

and relationship building between the 

young adults and the incarcerated parent. 

Communication and relationship buildings 

can occur through visits, phone calls, e-mails, 

video chats, letters, and so forth.

• Remind the young adults that security staff 

at the facility may open and read mail and 

e-mail and may monitor phone and video 

chats.

• Inquire about the young adults’ most recent 

visit or communication with the incarcerated 
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parent The following are examples of 

questions to ask: 

{ “Is there anything troubling you?”

{ “Do you have any questions that I can try to 

answer?”

{ “Is there something you wanted to tell your 

parent but didn’t?”

{ “Do you have any questions about the legal 

or justice system?” 

• As reentry approaches, discuss with the 

young adults the parent’s return home. Help 

them recognize how roles will have changed. 

Such change depends on the maturity levels 

of the young adults and the length of time the 

parent was incarcerated. Consider asking the 

facility if the young adults can be members 

of the transition-planning team (if the young 

adults and parent agree).

• Consider asking the young adults if they 

would like to visit a counselor (if not done 

so in the past) so that they can speak with 

a caring and objective adult outside the 

home. The counselor can help the young 

adults work through lingering feelings and 

concerns.

Young adults 19–25 years old typically understand 

what is going on in their life and in their family. 

There may be some overlap with youth (13–18 

years old), but young adults often have more 

insight, and their roles and responsibilities within 

and outside the family likely differ. They may have 

greater independence and less interaction with 

a caregiver. They may not need as much adult 

direction or guidance as younger youth. They are 

thinking about or engaged in higher education or 

career skill development, or are employed, and 

may be living independently and starting their own 

families.

Questions to Ask

Rules and policies vary by state, community, and facility. The following are some helpful questions you 

may want to ask (or be prepared to ask) of the facility. Blank lines are provided for you to write answers 

and notes.

Communication Rules

1. What are the phone numbers and contact information for critical staff at the facility (for example, social 

worker, case manager)? (Fill out the contact information worksheet and the last page.)

2. Letters:

a. Can the parent receive mail?

b. What is the address to send mail?

c. Will mail be opened by staff at the facility?

d. Person at facility to ask about mail: ________________________________________________________ 

(for example, social worker, case manager, administrator)

e. Notes from conversation with staff member: 

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
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3. E-mail: 

a. Does the parent have access to e-mail? If not, how does the parent get access?

b. Will e-mail be read by staff at the facility?

c. What hours can the parent access and reply to e-mail?

4. Other Communication:

a. Does the facility allow other forms of communication? If so, what forms?

b. Can I live video chat with the parent (through Skype or FaceTime or other similar program)? 

c. Can I send a video to or receive a video from the parent (for example, a video of the parent 

reading a book to the children or the children talking to the parent)? 

d. What is the cost for different types of communication?

5. Parent–Teacher Conferences:

a. First, ask the children’s school if it’s possible to do conferences with the incarcerated parent by 

phone or video chat. If yes, see Steps b, c, and d for questions to ask the facility.

b. Can the parent participate in parent–teacher conferences by phone or video chat? 

c. Are there restrictions on timing? 

d. Will the conference be monitored by staff? 

6. Fill in any additional questions you have here: ___________________________________________________________

7. Fill in any additional questions you have here: ___________________________________________________________

Visitation Rules

1. On what days can I visit?

2. At what times can I visit?

3. Does the facility offer family fun days or other family-focused events?

4. How long are the visits?

5. How many people are allowed to visit at one time? Does this include babies?

6. What are the clothing restrictions?

7. Will I be wanded or go through metal detectors?

8. What can I bring to the visit? What am I not allowed to bring to the visit?

9. Can I bring food to the visit?

10. Does the facility have lockers for me to keep my belongings in? Do the lockers cost money?

11. Does the facility offer vending machines? If so, how much do the items in the vending machines cost?

12. Does the facility have a family-friendly visitation room?

13. Can the children sit on the incarcerated parent’s lap or hold the parent’s hand?

14. Can I bring in a book for the incarcerated parent to read to the children during the visit? If so, how do I get 

the book approved?

15. Fill in any additional questions you have here: __________________________________________________________

16. Fill in any additional questions you have here: __________________________________________________________
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Resources for Caregivers: Talking to Children 

Advice for caregivers: http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl202-questionsfromcaregivers.pdf 

https://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/CIPL-204.pdf

Age-specific guidance: http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl201-caringforcip.pdf

Materials from the National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated: http://nrccfi.

camden.rutgers.edu/resources/library/ children-of-prisoners-library/

Materials from the New Jersey Department of Corrections, “When a parent goes to prison: A guide 

to discussing your incarceration with your children”: http://www.state.nj.us/corrections/pdf/OTS/

InmateFamilyResources/WhatAboutMe.pdf

Materials from youth.gov on Tools, Guides, and Resources for Parents and Caregivers: https://youth.gov/

youth-topics/children-of-incarcerated-parents/tools-guides-resources

Sesame Street’s “Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration”: http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/ 

topicsandactivities/toolkits/incarceration
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Important Contact Information

Name Position Phone 

Number E-Mail Address Notes

Case worker

Parole officer

Family 

liaison

Warden

In case of 

emergency