Tip Sheet for Mentors:

Supporting Children Who Have an Incarcerated Parent

www.YOUTH.gov/COIP

Mentors can play an important role in addressing the needs of children of incarcerated parents. Mentors are caring 

adults who work with youth as positive role models in a formal or informal way, offering consistent guidance and support. 

Youth connect with mentors through youth-serving organizations, including community-based organizations, faith-based 

organizations, businesses, and after-school programs. Mentors can help improve outcomes for the children of incarcerated 

parents by using research-based practices and effective supports.

Reminders

• Every family’s experience is different. Some children 

lived with their incarcerated parent before their parent’s 

incarceration and others did not. Some children had 

a close relationship with that parent (regardless of 

whether they lived together) and others may not have. It 

is important not to make any assumptions.

• Be aware of what researchers call the “conspiracy of 

silence.” Sometimes caregivers instruct children not to 

discuss the situation with anyone, for fear of the stigma 

and shame associated with incarceration. Children, too, 

may worry about people judging their parent. However, 

not understanding or not being able to talk about the 

situation can also be a source of stress for children. 

Sometimes the silence around the situation can 

become an inadvertent cause of shame. It is important 

for mentors to understand this dynamic and to signal 

to their mentees that they can be trusted and will not 

judge the child or their parent.1

• Keep in mind that a parent’s crime or the fact that he 

or she is incarcerated does not indicate what kind of 

parent that individual was before incarceration, nor 

does it necessarily speak to a child’s relationship with 

that parent. Further, it is not a sign of the type of parent 

someone will be after release.

• Identify objectives for the mentoring relationship, preferably 

focused on the mentee’s goals and growth, possibly 

through shared interests.

• Spend time doing activities that interest the child and 

expose him or her to new things and places (e.g., sports, 

games, arts, crafts, field trips to museums) while being 

sensitive to how your mentee might feel when out of his or 

her comfort zone and in unfamiliar surroundings.

• Share stories and information about your own life 

experiences, including successes and challenges 

experienced along the way. If relevant, you may share your 

own experiences with having an absent parent, but keep in 

mind that having an incarcerated parent may be a different 

experience than other kinds of absence.

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How Can Mentors Support Children Who Have 

an Incarcerated Parent? 

Mentors can build a trusting relationship by participating in 

various activities with the child of an incarcerated parent.

Establish Understanding

• Recognize that children of incarcerated parents may have 

difficulty trusting new adults. Because many have suffered 

a traumatic and sudden separation from their parent, they 

may be slow to trust new adults in their lives for fear that 

these people could also leave. 

• Sign up for a mentoring commitment only if you know you 

can stay involved for the designated period of time. You 

may want to establish clear expectations with your mentee 

for how frequently you will see him or her.

• Learn from your mentor organization, the family, or 

the caregiver, whether the child knows the parent is 

incarcerated, how the child is coping with the parent’s 

incarceration, and what the status of the relationship is 

between the child and the caregiver.

• Recognize that young people who have an incarcerated 

parent face different realities regarding their situation, 

ranging from not knowing about the incarceration to having 

witnessed an arrest, and wondering whether it is their fault. 

Reinforce that the incarceration is not their fault.

• Understand that it is the youth’s decision to share details 

about their parent’s absence. It is best not to ask. They may 

choose to tell you, but it is not important to the mentor/

mentee relationship. 

Develop the Relationship

• Take the time to learn about each other by talking about 

interests, family, and other topics based on your mentee’s 

comfort level. While getting to know the youth, be aware 

of potential sensitivities when talking about families. It is 

not necessary to avoid the topic of having an incarcerated 

parent, but be sensitive and avoid making assumptions.
Mentors can help youth maintain their relationship

with their incarcerated parent after learning the mentee’s, 

parent’s, and caregiver’s wishes regarding communication 

and the relationship.

• Help your mentee understand that a parent’s 

incarceration does not have to be the end of the 

relationship between him or her and the absent parent.

• Understand the barriers your mentee may face 

in maintaining or building a relationship with their 

incarcerated parent. These may include finances, 

communication, visitation/transportation, time 

commitments such as education and employment, and 

the desires of the incarcerated parent and/or caregiver.

• Facilitate simple and inexpensive ways to foster the 

relationship.

○ Help youth coordinate with their parent specific days 

and times for phone calls, given facility rules and 

policies.

○ Help your mentee communicate with the incarcerated 

parent through letters, cards, or creative activities 

to keep the parent informed about the mentee’s life 

(e.g., drawings, photos, a collage of pictures about 

academic and extracurricular achievements that can 

be mailed or emailed to the parent). Provide the child 

with a box of stationery or notecards and postage, 

as allowed.

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Relationship Resources

Overall Policy of Maintaining Parent-Child Relationships 

During Incarceration. State of Washington.

https://www.courts.wa.gov/subsite/mjc/docs/

OverallPolicyArgumentsforIncarceratedParents.pdf 

Children of Parents In Jail or Prison: Issues Related to 

Maintaining Contact. Office of Child Development, 

University of Pittsburgh.

http://ocd.pitt.edu/Default.aspx?webPageID=244

Children Visiting Incarcerated Parents. 

https://www.dhs.state.or.us/caf/safety_model/

procedure_manual/appendices/ch4-app/4-16.pdf

Children of Incarcerated Parents Library. Visiting Mom 

or Dad: The Child’s Perspective.

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl105-

visitingmomordad.pdf

Children of Incarcerated Parents Library. Jail and Prison 

Procedures: Information for Families. 

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl106-

jailandprisonprocedures.pdf

○ Become informed about the visitation process so 

you can help your mentee prepare for any potential 

visits to the incarcerated parent by sharing what to 

expect (e.g., going through security procedures, long 

drives and long waits, talking through a window or via 

videoconferencing, leaving food and personal items in 

the waiting area, dress codes, and lists of contraband).

• Anticipate that visits may be difficult for the youth, even 

if they were looking forward to the trip. Expect that your 

mentee may have heightened emotions in the days following 

a visit. Mentors can help youth express their thoughts and 

emotions and explain that what they are feeling is normal. 

Help your mentee talk about the positive aspects of the 

visit.
Mentors can help the youth cope with having an 

incarcerated parent by understanding the situation without 

judgment and then providing assistance, education, and 

information.

• If necessary and when appropriate, help the child 

understand the parent’s incarceration while honoring the 

wishes of the parent and/or caregiver. This may include 

providing or suggesting informative, age-appropriate 

literature. A variety of books on the topic of parental 

incarceration have been written for children at different 

age levels. You can find these books for sale online 

or at your public library. There are also free resources 

such as Sesame Street’s Little Children, Big Challenges: 

Incarceration.

• Conduct informal networking in which the young person 

has opportunities to meet others who can contribute to 

his or her growth or serve as an inspiration, including 

other young people with incarcerated parents so youth 

know they are not alone.

• Bring your concerns to the caregiver and/or the 

mentoring organization if you feel you have reached your

capacity to address a mentee’s needs, and consider 

advocating and researching options for opportunities for 

the child to speak with a professional counselor about 

any challenges they might be experiencing.2

Reminders

• Children who have an incarcerated parent are at 

heightened risk for exposure to substance abuse, 

mental illness, and inadequate education before 

their parent’s incarceration.3

• The risk of children living in poverty or experiencing 

household instability increases with parental 

incarceration.4

• Parental incarceration is recognized as an adverse 

childhood experience (ACE); it is distinguished from 

other ACEs by the combination of trauma, shame, 

and stigma.5

• Youth developmental stages influence the 

experiences and effects of incarceration on children 

who have a parent in prison.6

○ Ages 2 to 6: separation anxiety, impaired 

social-emotional development, traumatic stress, 

and survivor guilt. 

○ Ages 7 to 10: developmental regression, poor 

self-concepts, acute traumatic stress reactions, 

and impaired ability to overcome future trauma.

○ Ages 11 to 14: rejection of limits to behavior 

and trauma-reactive behaviors.

○ Ages 15 to 18: premature termination of 

dependency relationship with parent.

Mentors can support and help youth prepare for and 

adjust to their parent’s reentry into their lives, family, and 

community.

• Recognize and acknowledge that there will be a transition 

period and the new circumstances may present challenges 

for the youth, parent, and caregiver. Keep in mind that:

○ A youth might have to adapt to having both parents as 

caregivers. Differences in parenting philosophies and 

choices can be sources of stress and conflict for the 

whole family.

○ A caregiver might have to adjust to co-parenting, which 

can be challenging after long periods of parenting 

alone.

○ Possible custody hearings or other proceedings may 

be difficult.

○ The homecoming may not live up to expectations. The 

recently released parent may not want a child to have a 

mentor.

○ The current caretaker may no longer be a child’s 

guardian after a parent’s release. This transition could 

be hard on everyone.

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Support Resources

Supporting Children and Families of Prisoners. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Children’s Bureau.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/supporting/support-services/prisoners/

Meeting the Needs of Children With an Incarcerated Parent American Bar Association.

http://apps.americanbar.org/litigation/committees/childrights/content/articles/spring2012-0312-incarcerated-parentschild-development.html

How to Explain...Jails and Prisons...to Children: A Caregiver’s Guide. California Department of Corrections and 

Rehabilitation. 

https://www.getonthebus.us/pdf/talking-to-children.pdf

How to Explain Jails and Prisons to Children: A Caregivers Guide. Inside Out Connection Project. 

http://www.ctcip.org/app/download/630784/IOC_CaregiversGuide_Dec09.pdf

Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration. Sesame Street Workshop. 

http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/incarceration#sthash.vbW97npu.dpuf

Mentoring Resources

National Mentoring Resource Center. 

http://www.mentoring.org/program_resources/national_mentoring_resource_center

Mentoring Children of Incarcerated Parents. Jarjoura, G.R., et al. 

http://www.ojjdp.gov/about/MentoringCOIP2013.pdf

Mentoring. Interagency Working Group on Youth Programs. 

http://youth.gov/youth-topics/mentoring

General Resources

Children of Incarcerated Parents. Children of Incarcerated Parents Federal Website. 

http://youth.gov/coip

FAQs About Children of Prisoners. Prison Fellowship. 

http://www.prisonfellowship.org/resources/training-resources/family/ministry-basics/faqs-about-children-of-prisoners/

1

 Jose-Kampfner, C. (1995). Post-traumatic stress reactions in 

children of imprisoned mothers. In K. Gabel & D. Johnston 

(Eds.), Children of incarcerated parents (pp. 89–100). New York, 

NY: Lexington Books. 

2

 Christian, S. (2009). Children of incarcerated parents. Denver, CO: 

National Conference of State Legislatures. 

3

 Phillip, S. D., Erkanli, A., Keeler, G. P., Costello, J. E., & Angold, 

A. (2006). Disentangling the risks: Parent criminal justice 

involvement and children’s exposure to family risks. Criminology 

and Public Policy, 5, 677–702.

4

 Ibid. 

5

 Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., 

Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., ... Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship 

of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the 

leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive 

Medicine, 14(4), 245–258. 

6

 Travis, J., McBride Cincotta, E., & Solomon, A. L. (2005). Families 

left behind: The hidden costs of incarceration and reentry.

Washington, DC: Urban Institute, Justice Policy Center. 

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REFERENCES