Tip Sheet for Incarcerated Parents:

Planning for a Visit from Your Child/Children

www.YOUTH.gov/COIP

Visitation can be an important and meaningful experience for incarcerated parents and their children, but it can also be 

a source of stress and anxiety when parents’ or children’s expectations do not align with what ends up happening. Many 

aspects of visitation are outside of the control of an incarcerated parent, but there are things you can do to anticipate 

problems and reduce stress to make visitation a positive and beneficial experience for everyone involved. Below are things 

to consider when planning for a visit from your child. If you do not know the answer to a question, think about who in your 

facility you can ask for an answer such as other incarcerated parents, volunteers, or facility staff. Even if you cannot find the 

answer to a particular question, if you think it could affect the visit make sure your child’s caregiver is aware of the issue.

○ Who needs to be on the visitation list? Some facilities 

only require adults to be on the list, while others 

require minors to be included as well. Even if you 

have already made a request to put someone on the 

list, it is good to check before they visit to make sure 

your request has been processed.

• How will your child react to the security? Jails and 

prisons can be intimidating environments for children, 

especially if this is their first visit. Trying to familiarize 

yourself with what your child will encounter during their 

visit and if possible explaining this information to them or 

their caregiver before the visit can help children feel more 

comfortable. 

○ Think about what your child can expect to experience 

when going through security. Factors that could 

be intimidating include having dogs on site, going 

through a metal detector, and guards patting them 

down. Children may also face long lines and wait 

times without being able to bring along books, toys, 

or food. This may make children hungry, tired, and 

irritable by the time they are able to see you.

○ Consider informing them about the environment of 

the visiting room, such as if it is typically crowded 

and noisy with many other visitors. This may be a 

distraction for children during the visit, but knowing 

the environment ahead of time can help to prepare 

them.

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Things to Consider Before the Visit

• What are the rules? It can be very disappointing for 

everyone when families are turned away and not allowed 

to visit because they did not understand the visiting rules 

and procedures of the facility. To help prevent this from 

happening, check with the staff and let your family know 

the rules on: 

○ What can visitors wear? Many facilities prohibit 

revealing clothing, sweatshirts with hoods, or 

spandex-type clothing. Open toed shoes may also be 

a problem.

○ What can visitors bring to a visit? Some facilities 

allow caregivers with infants to bring a bottle, a 

change of clothes, and a diaper; and they may 

allow a child to bring a toy or a book; other facilities 

do not. Can a child bring a gift? Many facilities do 

not allow visitors to bring in gifts or other items 

including cash for their loved one. It can be terribly 

disappointing for a child to plan to give their parent a 

drawing or small gift only to be told at security that it 

is not allowed.

○ How many visitors are allowed at one time? Facilities 

can be very strict on the maximum number of visitors 

and count infants towards this number. If only two 

people are allowed in and there are three young 

children, make sure your visitor knows that he/she 

may need someone to watch the other children while 

you are visiting. How can you divide visiting time 

evenly between your children? Is there a waiting area 

for additional guests to stay in during the visit if not 

everyone is allowed in at one time?
• Will your child/children be able to touch you?

The format of the visitation can vary by facility and 

sometimes children can become upset if they are not 

able to have as much physical contact with their parent 

as they had anticipated. If possible, informing your child 

or their caregiver about what the format of the visit will 

be ahead of time can help children prepare for the visit. 

For example, factors to consider could include:

○ Are the visits video (or virtual) where you visit 

through a computer monitor?

○ Will you and your child be separated by Plexiglas?

○ Are contact visits allowed and if so what are the 

rules? Can your child hug you or sit on your lap? 

Do these rules vary by the age of your child?

○ How long are the visits?

• How can you interact with your child/children? 

Visitations are a great time to bond with your child and 

thinking about what activities may be age appropriate to 

do during your visit can help to maximize this time.

○ If you have a baby you may want to sing quietly or 

read them a book.

○ An older child or teen may want to talk about what 

is going on with their school or sports.

○ Depending on the rules of the facility and the 

resources available, consider playing cards or 

another game together.

○ If it is a no contact visit, try to develop a signal to 

convey your emotions to the child, such as hands 

to the glass.

• Who is bringing the child/children? Considering 

who is bringing your child to the visit and what your 

relationship is with that person can help to prevent 

negative conversations that may arise.

○ If you have a particularly strained relationship with 

the person bringing your child to visit, try to put 

those feelings aside so that you can prioritize this 

time with your child.

○ If there are things that you would like to discuss 

with this person that your child should not hear, 

encourage them to visit at another time without the 

child or make a plan to discuss those issues by 

phone.

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• Are there special visiting programs available? Some 

prisons have programs that allow special accommodations 

for visits between incarcerated mothers or fathers and their 

children such as contact visits or visits in child friendly 

rooms equipped with toys and activities. These programs 

can be really valuable for your children, but they often have 

special rules or eligibility criteria. To see if you and your 

child can benefit from one of these programs, ask about 

who can participate and how you can be involved.

Things to Consider During the Visit

• Your child may be nervous. A child experiencing some 

nervousness, especially if this is their first visit, is normal. 

Try to give your child some time when they first arrive 

to settle in and consider what you know about their 

personality. For example, if your child is particularly shy or 

anxious, they may need a little more time to warm up in a 

new environment.

• Your child may have changed since the last visit. If your 

child has visited before, but it has been a while since they 

have last seen you, they may comment on how you look 

different. Acknowledge your child’s own development and 

change (For example: “You’ve gotten so tall.” or “I can’t 

believe how many teeth you’ve lost since I last saw you!”).

• Good questions to ask. There may be things that are 

happening in your child’s life that are particularly exciting 

or stressful for them such as moving, changing schools, or 

participating in a new sport or activity. Visitations can be a 

perfect opportunity for you to ask them about these events 

and their feelings about them. Every parent-child dynamic 

is different, but sometimes asking specific questions 

like “what’s your favorite class?” or “tell me about your 

best friend” can engage your child more than general 

questions like, “how are you?” Do not get discouraged 

if the child doesn’t talk as much as you would like. For 

smaller children, physical contact, if allowed, can be more 

important and meaningful than talking.

• Ways to engage other than talking. Children may have 

their own ideas on what they would like to do during 

the visit. If there are toys to play with during the visit 

you can use this opportunity to ask if they would like to 

choose a game to play or if they would prefer to just sit 

and talk. Some facilities have photo machines or other 

ways that you can have a picture taken with your child. 
Resources for Caregivers: Talking to 

Children

Sesame Street’s Little Children, Big Challenges: 

Incarceration

http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/

topicsandactivities/toolkits/incarceration 

Materials from the National Resource Center on Children 

and Families of the Incarcerated

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/resources/library/

children-of-prisoners-library/

Including:

Age-specific guidance 

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl201-

caringforcip.pdf

Advice for caregivers 

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl202-

questionsfromcaregivers.pdf 

http://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/files/cipl204-

tipsforcaregiversfromcaregivers.pdf

Materials from the New Jersey Department of 

Corrections, When a parent goes to prison: A guide to 

discussing your incarceration with your children

http://www.state.nj.us/corrections/pdf/OTS/

InmateFamilyResources/WhatAboutMe.pdf

Materials from the Oregon Program, Parenting Inside Out 

(providing evidence-based curriculum for incarcerated 

mothers and fathers) 

http://www.parentinginsideout.org/

Including a set of materials targeted toward educators 

and caregivers and a collection of resources for 

children 

http://www.parentinginsideout.org/resources/ 

For children in foster care

http://www.aecf.org/m/resourcedoc/aecf-F2F-Partnersh

ipsBetweenCorrectionsandChildWelfareCollaborationfor

ChangePartTwo-2001.pdf

Some facilities charge with cash and coins while others 

require visitors to purchase tokens or tickets. Making 

sure caregivers are prepared to have cash with them 

for vending machines and photo opportunities can be 

useful when possible. 

• Timing matters. The time of the visit may impact how 

your child feels during the visit. For example, if visits 

begin early in the morning, children and their caregivers 

may have been up very early to allow time for travel or 

if the visits happen over the lunch hour they may feel 

hungry. Often, these factors are unavoidable, but it can 

be useful to keep in mind during the visit and try to be 

understanding.

• How to make saying goodbye easier. Try to give your 

child 5 minute and 10 minute warnings before the end 

of the visit so that they can start mentally preparing 

to leave. Children can feel more at ease if they know 

the next time they will be able to visit. If you know this 

information, tell your child roughly when the next visit 

will occur. If possible, try to provide a transitional item 

for the child to take home such as a drawing or photo to 

end on a positive note.

Things to Consider After the Visit

• Who can the child talk to about it? It is important 

for children to be able to express their feelings about 

the visit. Families and other individuals can be a 

great support system. Consider talking to your child’s 

caregiver about reaching out to a broader support 

network, both within and beyond your family for advice 

and assistance.

• Follow-up with a call or letter. It may be helpful to 

call or send a letter a few days after the visit to remind 

your child that there are other ways to communicate 

other than in-person visits. It could also be nice to ask a 

question or share a detail that your child told you during 

the visit to show that you were listening, such as “how 

did that test go?” or “are you still feeling sad about so 

and so?” 

• What are other sources of support for your child? 

There may be programs or resources that can help 

your child through this time. Encourage your child’s 

caregiver or other family members to look into 

mentoring programs or other resources that can be of 

assistance to your child. You can share with them the 

"Resources for Caregivers" section.

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