Courage to Care

A Health Promotion Campaign from

Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences, your federal medical school, Bethesda, Maryland • www. usuhs.mil

SUMMER 2004

Coming together as a couple after war

deployment isn’t always easy or something

that happens naturally. It requires effort, and

an understanding that each person has

grown and changed during the separation. A

positive way to think about this is that both

of you, service person and spouse, have

developed your own sense of purpose coping

with new experiences while apart. What’s

important now is to come together and

create a “shared sense of purpose”, that is essential for your

well being as a couple, that of your children and your life in

the community. This won’t happen overnight; it will take

time, mutual compassion and a desire to do so. Here are

four steps to help you create a “shared sense of purpose”.

STEP#1: Understand Each Other’s Sense of Purpose

During Separation

The returning service member’s sense of purpose has been

shaped by:

❏ Traumatic events that can be difficult to process and

talk about.

❏ Identification and closeness with their military unit and

comrades who have shared similar experiences.

❏ Regimentation in the form of highly structured and

efficient routines.

❏ Heightened sensory experiences including sights,

sounds and smells.

❏ Expanded self-importance and identity shaped by war.

The spouse’s sense of purpose has been shaped by:

❏ New roles and responsibilities. Many spouses have

assumed new or more taxing employment, oversight of

finances and child rearing.

❏ Community support trade-offs. Some spouses and

children left the military base to stay with parents and

in-laws for various reasons, but will have experienced

loss of connection with their military community, its

familiarity and support.

❏ Emotional changes. Some spouses may

have experienced growing

independence and thrived on it; others

may have found this a difficult time

leading to depression, anxiety, increased

alcohol or substance use and abuse, and

other symptoms of stress.

STEP #2: Recognize that the following concerns

upon return are common, often shared or felt

Becoming a Couple Again

How to Create a Shared Sense of Purpose After Deployment

indirectly, and will require mutual adjustments and time:

❏ Home. Life at home does not have the edge and

adrenaline associated with wartime duty, which often

leads to let down, disappointment and difficulty

shifting gears.

❏ Children. Reconnecting with one’s children is an

anticipated event by service member and spouse.

Children react differently depending upon their age,

and can be shy, angry, or jealous as new bonds are

reestablished. Discipline will now be shared, often

resulting in conflicting opinions and styles.

❏ Relationship. Concern about having grown apart,

growing close again without giving up individual

growth and viewpoints, issues of fidelity, and being able

to discuss these issues without raising more anxiety or

anger challenge many couples.

❏ Public. While there has been widespread support of the

service member, the public has mixed views of the war.

Protracted deployment and an upcoming election may

polarize the public, promoting media coverage that can

undermine the pride and purpose military families feel

about their involvement.

STEP #3: Relationship Breakers: Most couples argue about three

things: sex, money and children.

Understanding the potential of these issues to divide rather

than unite is key to reestablishing a shared sense of

purpose. These issues involve:

❏ Intimacy. Intimacy is a combination of emotional and

physical togetherness. It is not easily reestablished after

stressful separations creating an emotional disconnect.
Partners may also experience high or low

sexual interest causing disappointment,

friction or a sense of rejection. In due time,

this may pass, but present concerns may

include hoping one is still loved, dealing

with rumors or concern about faithfulness,

concern about medications that can affect

desire and performance, and expected

fatigue and alterations in sleep cycles.

❏ Finances. During the deployment, most

service members and families received

additional income from tax breaks and combat duty

pay, as much as $1,000 extra/month. Some families may

have been able to set aside appreciable savings; other

families may have spent some or all of the money on

justifiable expenses and adjusted family budgets. This

may create disagreement that can hamper the

important work of building shared trust and financial

planning as a couple essential to moving forward.

❏ Children. Children have grown and changed during

deployment. Some returning soldiers will see children

for the first time. It is important to build upon the

positive changes in your children, and work as a couple

to address issues of concern that need improvement or

attention. Discipline of children will now be shared and

should be viewed as something that can be built

together rather than criticized or ignored.

Step#4: Relationship Makers. Here are some thoughts and tips

for building a shared sense of purpose and stronger family.

❏ Expectations. Remember that fatigue, confusion and

worry, common during this transition, often lead to

short tempers. In that frame of mind, it is easy to revert

to the relationship breaker issues listed above. If this

happens, suggest taking time out and return to

discussions when both parties feel more relaxed.

❏ Enjoy life. Find and do activities that are pleasurable

such as a movie, a family picnic, bowling or shopping.

Create time in your weekly schedule to do something as

a couple, as a family, and one-on-one activity that is

shared between returning service member and his/her

child or children.

❏ Give thanks. Together, thank those people, family,

friends, co-workers and new service member buddies,

who have helped you and your family during this

deployment. Showing appreciation through writing

notes together, calling people or visiting them will bring

a sense of fulfillment that reunites each other’s

experiences.

❏ Communicate. Talking together builds a

shared sense of purpose. Desire to

communicate is more important than

details. Service members often prefer to

discuss war stories with military buddies to

protect their spouse and family from

traumatic memories. Spouses should not be

offended. Other ways to communicate

involve physical activity. Take walks, work

out together or engage in a sport. Healthy

communication involves processing feelings,

COURAGE TO CARE is a new health promotion campaign of Uniformed Services

University. Its purpose is two-fold: to provide quality health information reflecting

our University’s excellence in military medicine and to present it in a friendly, appealing

format for immediate distribution for the health promotion needs in your community.

Local contact information

new information and relieving stress. Read, draw,

paint, dance, sing, play an instrument, volunteer at

church or in the community to keep a sense of

perspective and individuality as you grow together as a

couple.

❏ Let time be your friend. Time may not mend everything,

but it is often one of the most important factors in

healing and solving problems.

❏ Be positive. A positive attitude is one of the most

important gifts you can bring to each other and your

family during this time. Appreciating what one has gives

strength and energy to a family and a couple. Special

circumstances such as physical injury and psychological

problems are not addressed in this fact sheet, and

require additional support, information and resources.

❏ Know when to seek help. Both service member and

spouse have endured a level of stress, uncertainty, worry

and lonesomeness that can affect one’s health and

mental health. If either spouse or service member

suspects they may be suffering from a health or mental

health problem, it is essential to seek help. Many service

members do not want to seek help for mental health

problems from the military for fear of damaging their

career. However, the consequences of letting a problem

linger untreated can be much more damaging. There

are excellent treatments including medications that can

help people reclaim their lives and enjoy their families,

as they should. You owe it to yourself and your family to

be in good health.

We hope this fact sheet is helpful and something you will

hold onto and refer to in the months ahead. Service

members and spouses should feel proud of the important

contributions both have made to our nation. Now it is time

to reunite with loved ones and enjoy a shared sense of

purpose and togetherness.