FactSheet 

For FamilieS 

September 2004 

www.c

im

Impact of Adoption 

on Birth Parents 

Disponible en español 

hildwelfare.gov/pubs/ 

pactobio/index.cfm 

What’s inside: 

• Responses to adoption placement 

• Gaining control and resolution 

• Resources 

This factsheet discusses some of the emotional 

issues that parents face after making the decision 

to place an infant for adoption, in surrendering 

the child, and in handling the feelings that often 

persist afterwards. In addition, it addresses some 

of the emotional issues of parents whose children 

are permanently removed from them and whose 

parental rights are terminated. This factsheet may 

be a helpful resource for birth parents, as well as 

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 

Administration for Children and Families 

Administration on Children, Youth and Families 

Children’s Bureau 

Child Welfare Information Gateway 

Children’s Bureau/ACYF 

1250 Maryland Avenue, SW 

Eighth Floor 

Washington, DC 20024 

703.385.7565 or 800.394.3366 

Email: info@childwelfare.gov 

www.childwelfare.gov 
family members, friends, and others who 

want to support birth parents. It may also 

provide some insight to adopted persons 

and adoptive parents who want to understand the struggles faced by birth parents. 

It is difficult to generalize about the feelings or experiences of all birth parents. Each 

has faced a unique experience and coped 

in his or her own way. A number of birth 

parents have written personal accounts of 

their experiences in placing their children 

for adoption; there are also a few research 

studies of the experiences of birth parents 

and the emotions that often linger long 

after the adoption. Certain themes emerge 

in both types of literature, including themes 

of loss, guilt, and resolution. As a framework 

for this discussion, this factsheet explores 

the experiences of birth parents by exploring some of these themes: 

• The Responses to Adoption Placement 

section looks at feelings and experiences 

that birth parents often describe, including grief over the loss, shame and 

guilt, identity issues, and long-term 

emotional issues. 

• The Gaining Control and Resolution 

section explores ways of gaining control 

of these feelings that have been useful for 

some birth parents. 

• The Resources section includes a list 

of resources to help birth parents find 

further information and to locate 

support groups of individuals with 

similar experiences. 

responses to 

adoption Placement

Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

Grieving the loss of the child 

Placing a child for adoption can cause a 

sense of loss that is all-encompassing. This 

sense of loss begins with the pregnancy itself 

as the expectant parents come to accept the 

reality of the unplanned pregnancy and 

the loss of their own immediate life plans. 

Most struggle with the decision to place the 

child for adoption; those who decide to do 

so begin to plan for a great loss in their own 

lives with the hope that placing the child 

for adoption will result in a better life for 

their baby and for themselves. 

The actual physical separation generally 

occurs soon after the birth. Many circumstances can have an impact on the birth parent’s feelings at the time, including mixed 

feelings about the adoption placement, 

support from other family members and the 

other birth parent, and whether the planned 

adoption is open (i.e., allowing some later 

contact with the child). The actions of the 

agency personnel (if an agency is involved), 

as well as those of the adoption attorney, 

adoptive parents, hospital personnel, and 

physician can all affect the feelings of the 

birth mother and father as they proceed 

through the process of the adoption and the 

termination of their own parental rights. 

The birth and the actual surrendering of 

the baby may prompt feelings of numbness, shock, and denial, as well as grief, in 

the birth parents. All of these feelings are 

normal reactions to loss. This particular 

type of loss is different from a loss through 

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Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

death, however, because there is rarely a 

public acknowledgment, and friends and 

family of the birth parents may attempt to 

ignore the loss by pretending that nothing 

has happened. In some cases, the secrecy 

surrounding the pregnancy and adoption 

may make it difficult for birth parents to 

seek out and find support as they grieve 

their loss. In addition, the lack of formal 

rituals or ceremonies to mark this type of 

loss may make it more difficult to acknowledge the loss and therefore to acknowledge 

the grief as a normal process. 

When birth parents first deal with their loss, 

the grief may be expressed as denial. The 

denial serves as a buffer to shield them from 

the pain of the loss. This may be followed 

by sorrow or depression as the loss becomes 

more real. Anger and guilt may follow, with 

anger sometimes being directed at those 

who helped with the adoption placement. 

The final phases, those of acceptance and 

resolution, refer not to eliminating the grief 

permanently but to integrating the loss into 

ongoing life. 

Grieving other losses 

Placing a child for adoption may also cause 

other (secondary) losses, which may add to 

the grief that birth parents feel. No one fantasizes about having a baby and then giving 

it up, so expectant parents who are planning 

to place the child for adoption may grieve 

for the loss of their parenting roles. They 

may grieve for the person their child might 

have become as their son or daughter. These 

feelings of loss may re-emerge in later years, 

for instance, on the child’s birthday, or 

when the child is old enough to start school 

or to reach other developmental milestones. 

Additional losses may occur as a result of 

the pregnancy and placement. In some 

cases, the birth mother loses her relationship with the birth father under the stress of 

the pregnancy, birth, and subsequent placement decision. The birth parents may also 

lose relationships with their own parents, 

whose disappointment or disapproval may 

be accompanied by a lack of support. In 

extreme cases, the birth mother may need to 

leave her parents and her home. The birth 

mother may lose her place in the educational system or in the workplace as a result 

of the pregnancy. Birth parents may also 

lose friends who are not supportive of either 

the pregnancy or the decision to place the 

child for adoption. 

Guilt and Shame 

Birth parents may experience guilt and 

shame for having placed their child for 

adoption, since societal values reflect a 

lack of understanding of the circumstances 

that might prompt birth parents to make 

an adoption plan for their child. At first, 

there may be shame associated with the 

unplanned pregnancy itself and with admitting the situation to parents, friends, coworkers, and others. Shame about the pregnancy may lead to feelings of unworthiness 

or incompetence about becoming a parent. 

Once the child is born, the decision to place 

the child for adoption may prompt new 

feelings of guilt about “rejecting” the child, 

no matter how thoughtful the decision or 

what the circumstances of the adoption. 

The shame and guilt felt by birth parents is 

often supported by the secrecy surrounding the adoption process. Thus, keeping 

the pregnancy a secret, maintaining secrecy 

throughout the adoption proceedings, and 

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Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

then treating the experience as unimportant may promote a feeling of shame in birth 

parents, since the pregnancy and adoption 

are not even discussed. Birth parents who 

can discuss their feelings with supportive 

friends, family members, or professional 

counselors may more easily come to terms 

with their decision over time and be able to 

integrate the experience into their lives. 

identity issues 

Placing a child for adoption may trigger 

identity issues in some birth parents. They 

may wonder, “Am I a parent?” Some birth 

parents may experience a sense of incompleteness, because they are parents without 

a child. Generally, their status as parents 

is not acknowledged among family and 

friends. If the birth parents go on to have 

other children whom they raise, this may 

also affect how the birth parents view 

their own identity, as well as that of all 

their children. 

These questions about identity may also 

extend to the relationship with the child 

when the adoption is open. Birth parents 

who participate in open adoptions may 

initially wonder how they will fit into that 

new relationship with their child once the 

adoptive parents become the legal parents. 

However, this relationship with the child 

and adoptive family in an open adoption 

may evolve so that the birth parents maintain an agreed-upon role in the life of the 

child. Still, there are few role models for 

birth parents to help clarify this issue of 

identity. (For more information about open 

adoptions, see the Information Gateway 

factsheet Openness in Adoption at www. 

childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_openadopt.cfm.) 

long-term issues 

Many birth parents continue to mourn the 

loss of their child throughout their lifetime, 

but with varying intensity. For instance, 

birth parents may continue to track the 

milestones of their child’s life by imagining 

birthday parties, first days of school, graduation, and more. Some birth parents experience longstanding grief, that is, grief that 

lasts a very long time and may continue to 

actually interfere with a birth parent’s life 

many years later. Some of the factors that 

have been found to be associated with longstanding grief include: 

•A birth parent’s feeling that she was pressured into placing her child for adoption 

against her will 

• Feelings of guilt and shame regarding the 

placement 

• Lack of opportunity to express feelings 

about the placement 

The personal stories of some birth parents, 

as well as studies with birth parents in 

therapy, have indicated that some birth 

parents experience difficulties beyond longstanding grief (see, for example, Winkler 

& van Keppel, 198). For instance, some 

birth parents may have trouble forming 

and maintaining relationships. This may be 

due to lingering feelings of loss and guilt, 

or it may be due to a fear of repeating the 

loss. Other birth parents may attempt to fill 

the loss quickly by establishing a new relationship, marrying, or giving birth again— 

without having dealt with the grief of the 

adoption placement. A few birth parents 

report being overprotective of their subsequent children, because they are afraid of 

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Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

repeating the experience of separation and 

loss (Askren & Bloom, 1999). 

For some birth parents, the ability to establish a successful marriage or long-term 

relationship may depend on the openness 

with which they can discuss their past experiences of birth and adoption placement. 

Some birth parents never tell their spouses 

or subsequent children of their earlier child. 

Others are comfortable enough with their 

decision to be able to share their past. 

Gaining control 

and resolution

Acceptance of the loss and working through 

the grief does not mean that birth parents 

forget their birth child and never again 

feel sorrow or regret for the loss. Rather, it 

means that they are able to move forward 

with their lives and to integrate this loss 

into their ongoing lives. For those in an 

open adoption, this may mean developing 

a new relationship with the child and the 

adoptive parents. For birth parents whose 

child was adopted in a closed adoption, it 

may mean learning to live with uncertainty 

about whether the parent will ever see the 

child again. 

A number of birth parents have written 

about their experiences (for example, see the 

books by Brenda Romanchik listed in the 

resource section at the end of this paper). 

These authors describe a number of different 

ways of dealing with loss and grief: 

Entrustment ceremonies. Some birth 

parents describe a ritual or ceremony that 

took place when they entrusted their child 

to the adoptive parents. In many cases, 

these entrustment ceremonies took place 

in the hospital. These ceremonies allowed 

the birth parents to say good-bye to their 

child and to maintain a sense of control 

over the placement. Such ceremonies may 

help with the later grieving process. 

Ongoing rituals and traditions. Birth 

parents may find it helpful to create a 

tradition that honors the child and the 

decision that was made. For instance, 

planting a tree or writing a letter to the 

child (whether it is sent or not) are ways 

of acknowledging the loss. On special 

days, such as the child’s birthday, birth 

parents may want to continue with that 

type of ceremony or tradition. 

Taking time. Both birth parents and 

counselors advise that birth parents must 

allow themselves time to grieve and 

recover (Roles, 1989). There is no timetable that predicts when the grief will be 

resolved, and there may be occasions, 

even many years later, when the grief 

may resurface. Birth parents who allow 

themselves time to grieve and to accept 

the loss may be better able to move on. 

Finding Support. Birth parents should 

seek out friends, support groups of other 

birth parents, or understanding counselors in order to have a safe place to communicate their feelings. Being able to 

openly share feelings can be helpful in 

moving through the stages of grief and 

achieving some resolution. 

Education. There are a number of books 

and articles about adoption and the birth 

parent experience, as well as a growing 

number of websites that carry information on the topic. Many of these include 

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Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

first-person accounts from birth parents, 

which can provide some context for what 

some other birth parents experience. 

These can be helpful to birth parents who 

may feel that they are essentially alone in 

their loss. 

Writing. Birth parents may find it useful 

to keep a journal or diary of their experiences and feelings. This may serve as an 

outlet for grief or other emotions, and it 

can also serve to provide some perspective over time. Keeping a journal also 

allows birth parents to remember details 

that might otherwise be forgotten over 

the years. 

Counseling. Birth parents may find that 

they need more support than family and 

friends can offer, or they may be unable 

to move forward in the grieving process. 

In such cases, professional counseling 

may help the birth parent make progress 

in dealing with the grief or may reassure 

the parent that such feelings are normal. 

A counselor should be able to help a birth 

parent replace unrealistic fantasy with 

reality, to acknowledge what has happened, and to heal. 

Birth parents should look for counselors 

who have significant experience with 

adoption and with bereavement. Referrals 

for counselors may come from friends, 

birth parent support groups, or from the 

adoption agency or attorney who helped 

with the adoption. 

While the birth parent will never forget 

the child, it is important that the birth 

parent adapts to the new circumstances and 

comes to terms with any regret. When birth 

parents are able to integrate the loss into 

their lives and gain some feeling of control, 

they can then move on to deal with whatever else life presents to them. 

resources 

Books 

Clapton, G. (00). Birth fathers and their adoption experiences. Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley 

Publishers. 

Interviews were conducted with 30 birth fathers to relay information about their reactions and 

emotions during the pregnancy and postadoption periods. 

Foge, L., & Mosconi, G. (1999). The third choice: A woman’s guide to placing a child for adoption. 

Berkeley, CA: Creative Arts Book Company. 

Written by two adoption counselors, this book takes birth mothers through the periods of pregnancy, 

adoption planning and placement, and grief and recovery. 

Gritter, J. L. (1997). The spirit of open adoption. Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of 

America. 

A pioneer in open adoption practice, the author gives a realistic look at the pain, joy, and beauty 

that open adoption holds for all members of the triad. 

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare  Information Gateway. Available online at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/index.cfm. 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

Jones, M. B. (199). Birthmothers: Women who have relinquished babies for adoption tell their 

stories. Chicago: Chicago Review Press. 

The stories of a number of birth mothers are told throughout this book, which addresses all of the 

issues birth mothers encounter, including the pregnancy, placement, dealing with grief, marriage, 

later children, searching, and reunion. 

Mason, M. M. (199). Designing rituals of adoption for the religious and secular community. 

Minneapolis, MN: Resources for Adoptive Parents. 

This handbook describes religious and nonreligious ceremonies, such as entrustment ceremonies, 

that might be used in adoption. 

Mason, M. M. (199). Out of the shadows: Birthfathers’ stories. Edina, MN: O.J. Howard 

Publishing. 

The stories of 17 birth fathers are told to highlight the situation of this often forgotten group. 

Pavao, J. M. (1998). The family of adoption. Boston, MA: Beacon Press. 

The author, an adopted person and an adoption therapist, describes the developmental stages and 

challenges for adopted people, and includes real-life examples to illustrate these stages. 

Roles, P. (1989). Saying goodbye to a baby. Volume I: The birthparent’s guide to loss and grief in 

adoption. Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of America. 

Written by a social worker and birth mother, this book covers all of the issues faced by birth 

parents, including the pregnancy, adoption decision, loss, later issues, and reunion. 

Romanchik, B. (1999). Being a birthparent: Finding our place. Royal Oak, MI: R-Squared Press. 

This handbook, written by a birth parent, discusses the role of the birth parent in an open adoption. 

Romanchik, B. (1999). Birthparent grief. Royal Oak, MI: R-Squared Press. 

This handbook, written by a birth parent, discusses the different phases of grief, counseling, and 

dealing with difficult times. 

Romanchik, B. (1999). Your rights and responsibilities: A guide for expectant parents considering 

adoption. Royal Oak, MI: R-Squared Press. 

This handbook, written by a birth parent, discusses the responsibilities and rights of birth parents 

at each phase of the adoption plan. 

Rosenberg, E. B. (199). The adoption life cycle: The children and their families through the years. 

New York, NY: The Free Press. 

Written by a clinical professor in psychiatry, this book draws on case examples to show how the 

different members of the adoption triad influence each other and to describe developmental tasks for 

those in the adoption circle. 

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Information Gateway. Available online at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/index.cfm. 7 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

Schaefer, C. (1991). The other mother: A true story. New York, NY: Soho Press, Inc. 

The author tells her story of being a birth mother and of later searching for and finding her son. 

research articles 

Askren, H. A., & Bloom, K. C. (1999). Postadoptive reactions of the relinquishing mother: A 

review. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing, 8(), 9-00. 

The authors identified 12 studies with a total of 625 birth mothers, and they report the studies 

show that mothers are at long-term risk for repercussions; grief reactions, long-term effects, efforts 

to resolve, and influences on the relinquishment experience are discussed. 

Connelly, M. (00). Given in love: For mothers who are choosing an adoption plan. Omaha, 

NE: Centering Corporation. 

This booklet describes some of the emotions that many birth mothers experience when making an 

adoption plan and addresses such topics as naming the baby, keeping mementos, writing letters, 

and spiritual grief. 

De Simone, M. (199). Birth mother loss: Contributing factors to unresolved grief. Clinical 

Social Work Journal, (1), -7. 

The authors surveyed 264 birth mothers an average of 25 years after placing their infants for 

adoption to solicit information on such topics as unresolved grief, extent of social support, 

moderating variables, and reunion experiences. Higher levels of grief were correlated with the 

mother’s perception that she was coerced into the placement and with feelings of guilt and shame. 

Deykin, E. Y., Patti, P., & Ryan, J. (1988). Fathers of adopted children: A study of the impact of 

child surrender on birthfathers. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 8(), 0-8. 

Questionnaire data provided by 125 birth fathers indicated long-term unresolved issues related to 

the adoption. 

Fravel, D. L., McRoy, R. G., & Grotevant, H. D. (000). Birthmother perceptions of the 

psychologically present adopted child: Adoption openness and boundary ambiguity. Family 

Relations, 9, -. 

Interviews with 163 birth mothers in the Minnesota/Texas Adoption Research Project show that the 

child placed for adoption remains psychologically present. 

Portuesi, D. (199). Silent voices heard: Impact of the birthmother’s experience—then and 

now. Adoption Therapist, 7(1), 1-. 

The author, a birth mother and psychotherapist, describes some of the emotional reactions of the 

birth mother, as well as ways that therapists can aid in the healing process. 

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Information Gateway. Available online at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/index.cfm. 8 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

Silverstein, D. N., & Kaplan, S. (1988). Lifelong issues in adoption. In L. Coleman, K. Tolbor, H. 

Hornby, & C. Boggis (Eds.), Working with older adoptees (pp. -). Portland, ME: University 

of Southern Maine. Retrieved April , 00, from www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/ 

lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html 

The authors describe seven issues that all members of the adoption triad must address. 

Winkler, R., & van Keppel, M. (198). Relinquishing mothers in adoption: Their long-term 

adjustment. Melbourne, Australia: Institute of Family Studies. 

The authors studied 213 birth mothers who had placed children up to 30 years earlier and found 

that many had continuing experiences of loss, which were often worse for women who lacked social 

support and opportunities to discuss their loss. 

Support Groups 

Child Welfare Information Gateway compiles the National Foster Care & Adoption Directory, 

which lists support groups on a State-by-State basis. Go to www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad. 

One well-known national organization that also has some local chapters is Concerned United 

Birthparents (CUB). Their website can be found at www.cubirthparents.org. 

Websites 

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys: www.adoptionattorneys.org 

AAAA is a national membership association of attorneys who practice, or have otherwise 

distinguished themselves, in the field of adoption law. AAAA works to promote the reform of 

adoption laws and to disseminate information on ethical adoption practices. Their Membership 

Directory, including members from the United States and Canada, lists attorneys who are well 

versed in the complexities of adoption law as well as interstate and international regulations 

regarding adoption. 

American Adoption Congress: www.americanadoptioncongress.org 

The American Adoption Congress (AAC) is an international network of individuals and 

organizations committed to adoption reform. Through education and advocacy, they promote 

honesty, openness, and respect for family connections in adoption, foster care, and assisted 

reproduction. Membership is open to adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, professionals, and 

all others who share a commitment to the AAC’s goals. 

Child Welfare Information Gateway: www.childwelfare.gov 

Information Gateway offers information on all aspects of adoption for professionals, policymakers, 

and the general public. Information Gateway develops and maintains a computerized database 

of books, journal articles, and other materials on adoption and related topics, conducts database 

searches, publishes materials on adoption, and gives referrals to related services and experts in the 

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Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents www.childwelfare.gov 

field. Information Gateway also maintains a database of experts knowledgeable in various areas of 

adoption practice. 

Concerned United Birthparents (CUB): www.cubirthparents.org 

CUB’s mission is to provide support to birth parents who have relinquished a child to adoption, to 

provide resources to help prevent unnecessary family separations, to educate the public about the 

life-long effects on all who are touched by adoption, and to advocate for fair and ethical adoption 

laws, policies, and practices. 

Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute: www.adoptioninstitute.org 

The Adoption Institute seeks to improve the quality of information about adoption, to enhance the 

understanding and perceptions about adoption, and to advance adoption policy and practice. 

Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support: www.openadoptioninsight.org 

This site provides resources for all parties interested in open adoption, including expectant parents, 

adopted persons, adoptive parents, and birth parents. 

Minnesota Texas Adoption Research Project: http://fsos.che.umn.edu/mtarp/ 

This site provides research findings from this major study of variations in openness in adoption and 

the effect of openness on all members of the adoption triad. 

Information on the issues facing adopted persons can be found in the Information 

Gateway factsheet Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons, which can be accessed at www. 

childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_adimpact.cfm. The Information Gateway factsheet Searching for 

Birth Relatives can be accessed at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_search.cfm. Information on 

open adoption can be found in the Information Gateway factsheet Openness in Adoption, 

which can be accessed at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_openadopt.cfm. 

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare 10 Information Gateway. Available online at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/index.cfm.