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National Institute on Aging

AgePage

Mourning the 

Death of a Spouse

When your spouse dies, your world 

changes. You are in mourning—feeling 

grief and sorrow at the loss. You may feel 

numb, shocked, and fearful. You may feel 

guilty for being the one who is still alive. 

At some point, you may even feel angry 

at your spouse for leaving you. All of 

these feelings are normal. There are no 

rules about how you should feel. There is 

no right or wrong way to mourn.

When you grieve, you can feel both 

physical and emotional pain. People 

who are grieving often cry easily and 

can have:

■ Trouble sleeping

■ Little interest in food

■ Problems with concentration

■ A hard time making decisions

In addition to dealing with feelings 

of loss, you also may need to put your 

own life back together. This can be hard 

work. Some people feel better sooner 

than they expect. Others may take longer. 

Family, friends, and faith may be sources of 

support. Grief counseling or grief therapy 

also is helpful to some people.

As time passes, you may still miss your 

spouse. But for most people, the intense 

pain will lessen. There will be good and 

bad days. You will know you are feeling 

better when there are more good days 

than bad. Don’t feel guilty if you laugh 

at a joke or enjoy a visit with a friend.

For some people, mourning can go 

on so long that it becomes unhealthy. 

This can be a sign of serious depression 

and anxiety. Talk with your doctor if 

sadness keeps you from carrying on with 

your day-to-day life. Support may be 

available until you can manage the grief 

on your own.

What Can You Do?

In the beginning, you may find that 

taking care of details and keeping busy 

helps. For a while, family and friends may 

be around to assist you. But, there comes 

a time when you will have to face the 

change in your life.
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Here are some ideas to keep in mind:

■ Take care of yourself. Grief can be 

hard on your health. Exercise regularly, 

eat healthy food, and get enough sleep. 

Bad habits, such as drinking too much 

alcohol or smoking, can put your health 

at risk.

■ Try to eat right. Some widowed 

people lose interest in cooking and 

eating. It may help to have lunch with 

friends. Sometimes, eating at home 

alone feels too quiet. Turning on the 

radio or TV during meals can help. For 

information on nutrition and cooking 

for one, look for helpful books at your 

local library or bookstore or online.

■ Talk with caring friends. Let family 

and friends know when you want to talk 

about your spouse. They may be grieving 

too and may welcome the chance to 

share memories. Accept their offers of 

help and company, when possible.

■ Join a grief support group. 

Sometimes, it helps to talk with people 

who also are grieving. Check with 

hospitals, religious communities, and 

local agencies to find out about support 

groups. Choose a support group where 

you feel comfortable sharing your feelings 

and concerns. Members of support groups 

often have helpful ideas or know of useful 

resources based on their own experiences. 

Online support groups make it possible to 

get help without leaving home.

■ Visit with members of your 

religious community. Many people 

who are grieving find comfort in their 

faith. Praying, talking with others of 

your faith, reading religious or spiritual 

texts, or listening to uplifting music also 

may bring comfort. 

■ Try not to make any major changes 

right away. It’s a good idea to wait for a 

while before making big decisions, like 

moving or changing jobs.

■ See your doctor. Keep up with your 

usual visits to your healthcare provider. 

If it has been awhile, schedule a physical 

and bring your doctor up to date on any 

pre-existing medical conditions. Talk 

about any new health issues that may be 

of concern. Be sure to let your healthcare 

provider know if you are having trouble 

taking care of your everyday activities, 

like getting dressed or fixing meals.

■ Don’t be afraid to seek professional 

help. Sometimes, short-term talk 

therapy with a counselor can help.

■ Remember that your children are 

grieving, too. It will take time for the 

whole family to adjust to life without 

your spouse. You may find that your 

relationship with your children and 

their relationships with each other have 
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changed. Open, honest communication 

is important.

■ Mourning takes time. It’s common to 

have rollercoaster emotions for a while.

Does Everyone Feel the Same 

Way?

Men and women share many of the 

same feelings when a spouse dies. Both 

may deal with the pain of loss, and both 

may worry about the future. But, there 

also can be differences. 

Many married couples divide up their 

household tasks. One person may pay 

bills and handle car repairs. The other 

person may cook meals and mow the 

lawn. Splitting up jobs often works well 

until there is only one person who has to 

do it all. Learning to manage new tasks—

from chores to household repairs to 

finances—takes time, but it can be done.

Being alone can increase concerns 

about safety. It’s a good idea to make 

sure there are working locks on the 

doors and windows. If you need help, 

ask your family or friends.

Facing the future without a husband or 

wife can be scary. Many men and women 

have never lived alone. Those who are 

both widowed and retired may feel very 

lonely and become depressed. Talk with 

your doctor about how you are feeling.

Take Charge of Your Life

After years of being part of a couple, 

it can be upsetting to be alone. Many 

people find it helps to have things to do 

every day. Whether you are still working 

or are retired, write down your weekly 

plans. You might:

■ Take a walk with a friend.

■ Visit the library.

■ Volunteer.

■ Try an exercise class.

■ Join a singing group.

■ Join a bowling league.

■ Offer to watch your grandchildren.

■ Consider adopting a pet.

■ Take a class at a nearby senior center, 

college, or recreation center.

■ Stay in touch with family and 

friends, either in person or online.

Is There More to Do?

When you feel stronger, you should 

think about getting your legal and 

financial affairs in order. For example, 

you might need to:

■ Write a new will and advance directive.

■ Look into a durable power of 

attorney for legal matters and health 
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care, in case you are unable to make your 

own medical decisions in the future.

■ Put joint property (such as a house or 

car) in your name.

■ Check on changes you might need to 

make to your health insurance as well as 

your life, car, and homeowner’s insurance.

■ Sign up for Medicare by your 65th 

birthday.

■ Make a list of bills you will need to pay 

in the next few months: for instance, State 

and Federal taxes and your rent 

or mortgage.

When you are ready, go through your 

husband’s or wife’s clothes and other 

personal items. It may be hard to give 

away these belongings. Instead of parting 

with everything at once, you might make 

three piles: one to keep, one to give away, 

and one “not sure.” Ask your children 

or others to help. Think about setting 

aside items like a special piece of clothing, 

watch, favorite book, or picture to give 

to your children or grandchildren as 

personal reminders of your spouse.

What about Going Out?

Having a social life on your own 

can be tough. It may be hard to think 

about going to parties or other social 

events by yourself. It can be hard to 

think about coming home alone. You 

may be anxious about dating. Many 

people miss the feeling of closeness that 

marriage brings. After time, some are 

ready to have a social life again.

Here are some things to remember:

■ Go at a comfortable pace. There’s no 

rush.

■ It’s okay to make the first move when 

it comes to planning things to do.

■ Try group activities. Invite friends for 

a potluck dinner or go to a senior center.

■ With married friends, think about 

informal outings like walks, picnics, or 

movies rather than couple’s events that 

remind you of the past.

■ Find an activity you like. You may have 

fun and meet people who like to do the 

same thing.

■ You can develop meaningful 

relationships with friends and family 

members of all ages.

■ Many people find that pets provide 

important companionship.
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Take Care of Yourself

• Get help from your family, friends, or

professionals if you need it.

• Be open to new experiences.

• Take time to adjust to life without

your spouse.

For More Information about 

Mourning and Grief

Eldercare Locator

1-800-677-1116 (toll-free)

www.eldercare.gov

Geriatric Mental Health Foundation

1-703-556-9222

web@GMHFonline.org (email)

www.gmhfonline.org

National Library of Medicine 

MedlinePlus: Bereavement

www.medlineplus.gov/bereavement.html

USA.gov

Search “grief ” or “bereavement”

www.usa.gov

For more information on health and 

aging:

National Institute on Aging

Information Center

P.O. Box 8057

Gaithersburg, MD 20898-8057

1-800-222-2225 (toll-free)

1-800-222-4225 (TTY/toll-free)

niaic@nia.nih.gov (email)

www.nia.nih.gov

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July 2016