Mourning the Death 

of a Spouse 

Charlie and Doug’s Story 

Shortly after Charlie’s husband Doug died, his friends 

started coming over with dinners and memories to 

share. They would sit around Charlie’s dining table 

for hours remembering Doug’s humor and kindness. 

Soon, Doug’s friends were joining them with their 

own recollections. It was so like old times that it 

almost seemed Doug had just stepped out of the room. 

Those evenings together helped Charlie, as well as the 

others, start to heal after their loss. 

When your spouse dies, your world changes. 

You are in mourning — feeling grief and 

sorrow at the loss. You may feel numb, shocked, 

and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the 

one who is still alive. At some point, you may 

even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. 

All of these feelings are normal. There are no 

rules about how you should feel. There is no 

right or wrong way to mourn. 

When you grieve, you can feel both physical 

and emotional pain. People who are grieving 

often cry easily and can have: 

 Trouble sleeping 

 Little interest in food 

 Problems with concentration 

 A hard time making decisions 

In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, 

you also may need to put your own life back 

together. This can be hard work. Some people 

feel better sooner than they expect. Others may 

take longer. 

As time passes, you may still miss your 

spouse. But for most people, the intense pain 

will lessen. There will be good and bad days. 

You will know you are feeling better when there 

are more good days than bad. You may feel 

guilty for laughing at a joke or enjoying a visit 

with a friend. It is important to understand that 

can be a common feeling. 

Finding a Support System 

There are many ways to grieve and to 

learn to accept loss. Try not to ignore your 

grief. Support may be available until you can 

manage your grief on your own. It is especially 

important to get help with your loss if you feel 

overwhelmed or very depressed by it. 

Family and compassionate friends can be a 

great support. They are grieving, too, and some 

people find that sharing memories is one way 

to help each other. Feel free to share stories 

about the one who is gone. Sometimes, people 

hesitate to bring up the loss or mention the 

dead person’s name because they worry this can 

be hurtful. But people may find it helpful to 

talk directly about their loss. You are all coping 

with the death of someone you cared for. 

For some people, mourning can go on so 

long that it becomes unhealthy. This can be 

a sign of serious depression and anxiety. Talk 

with your doctor if sadness keeps you from 

carrying on with your day-to-day life. Support 

may be available until you can manage the grief 

on your own. 

How Grief Counseling 

Can Help 

Sometimes people find grief counseling 

makes it easier to work through their sorrow. 

Regular talk therapy with a grief counselor 

or therapist can help people learn to accept a 

death and, in time, start a new life. 

There are also support groups where grieving 

people help each other. These groups can be 

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specialized — parents who have lost children or 

people who have lost spouses, for example — or 

they can be for anyone learning to manage grief. 

Check with religious groups, local hospitals, 

nursing homes, funeral homes, or your doctor 

to find support groups in your area. 

An essential part of hospice is providing 

grief counseling, called bereavement support, 

to the family of someone who was under their 

care. You can also ask hospice workers for 

bereavement support even if hospice was not 

used before the death. 

Remember to take good care of yourself. 

You might know that grief affects how you 

feel emotionally, but you may not realize that 

it can also have physical effects. The stress of 

the death and your grief could even make you 

sick. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and 

get back to doing things you used to enjoy, 

like going to the movies, walking, or reading. 

Accept offers of help or companionship from 

friends and family. It’s good for you and 

for them. 

If you have children, remember that they 

are grieving, too. It will take time for the 

whole family to adjust to life without your 

spouse. You may find that your relationship 

with your children and their relationships 

with each other have changed. Open, honest 

communication is important. 

Mourning takes time. It’s common to have 

roller coaster emotions for a while. 

Let Major Decisions Wait, 

If Possible. 

Try to delay major life decisions until 

you are feeling better. You don’t want 

to decide to make a big change, like 

selling your home or leaving your job, 

when you are grieving and perhaps 

not thinking clearly. 

Taking Care of Yourself While 

Grieving 

In the beginning, you may find that taking 

care of details and keeping busy helps. For a 

while, family and friends may be around to 

assist you. But there comes a time when you 

will have to face the change in your life. 

Here are some ideas to keep in mind: 

 Take care of yourself. Grief can be hard 

on your health. Exercise regularly, eat healthy 

food, and get enough sleep. Bad habits, such as 

drinking too much alcohol or smoking, can put 

your health at risk. 

 Try to eat right. Some widowed people 

lose interest in cooking and eating. It may 

help to have lunch with friends. Sometimes, 

eating at home alone feels too quiet. Turning 

on the radio or TV during meals can help. For 

information on nutrition and cooking for one, 

look for helpful books at your local library or 

bookstore or online. 

 Talk with caring friends. Let family and 

friends know when you want to talk about your 

spouse. They may be grieving too and may 

welcome the chance to share memories. When 

possible, accept their offers of help 

and company. 

 Visit with members of your religious 

community. Many people who are grieving 

find comfort in their faith. Praying, talking 

with others of your faith, reading religious or 

spiritual texts, or listening to uplifting music 

also may bring comfort. 

 See your doctor. Keep up with visits to your 

health care provider. If it has been awhile, 

schedule a physical and bring your doctor up 

to date on any pre-existing medical conditions 

and any new health issues that may be of 

concern. Let your health care provider know 

if you are having trouble taking care of your 

everyday activities, like getting dressed or 

fixing meals. 

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What Are the Signs of 

Complicated Grief? 

Complicated grief is a condition that occurs 

in about 7% of people who have recently lost a 

close loved one. People with this condition may 

be unable to comprehend the loss, experience 

intense, prolonged grief, and have trouble 

resuming their own life. Signs of complicated 

grief may include overly negative emotions, 

dramatically restricting your life to try to avoid 

places you went with the deceased, and being 

unable to find meaning or a purpose in life. 

Complicated grief can be a serious 

condition and those who have it may need 

additional help to overcome the loss. Support 

groups, professionals, and close loved ones 

can help comfort and support someone with 

this condition. 

Does Everyone Feel the Same 

Way After a Death? 

Men and women share many of the same 

feelings when a spouse dies. Both may deal with 

the pain of loss, and both may worry about the 

future. But, there also can be differences. 

Many married couples divide up their 

household tasks. One person may pay bills 

and handle car repairs. The other person may 

cook meals and mow the lawn. Splitting up jobs 

often works well until there is only one person 

who has to do it all. Learning to manage new 

tasks — from chores to household repairs to 

finances — takes time, but it can be done. 

Being alone can increase concerns about 

safety. It’s a good idea to make sure there are 

working locks on the doors and windows. If you 

need help, ask your family or friends. 

Facing the future without a husband or 

wife can be scary. Many people have never 

lived alone. Those who are both widowed 

and retired may feel very lonely and become 

depressed. Talk with your doctor about how 

you are feeling. 

Make Plans and Be Active 

After years of being part of a couple, it can 

be upsetting to be alone. Many people find it 

helps to have things to do every day. Whether 

you are still working or are retired, write down 

your weekly plans. You might: 

 Take a walk with a friend 

 Visit the library 

 Volunteer 

 Try an exercise class 

 Join a singing group 

 Join a bowling league 

 Offer to watch your grandchildren 

 Consider adopting a pet 

 Take a class at a nearby senior center, 

college, or recreation center 

 Stay in touch with family and friends, either 

in person or online 

Getting Your Legal and 

Financial Paperwork in Order 

When you feel stronger, you should think 

about getting your legal and financial affairs in 

order. For example, you might need to: 

 Write a new will and update your advance 

care planning. 

 Look into a durable power of attorney for legal 

matters and health care in case you are unable to 

make your own medical decisions in the future. 

 Put joint property (such as a house or car) in 

your name. 

 Check on changes you might need to make 

to your health insurance as well as to your life, 

car, and homeowner’s insurance. 

 Sign up for Medicare by your 65th birthday. 

 Make a list of bills you will need to pay in 

the next few months, for instance, state and 

federal taxes and your rent or mortgage. 

When you are ready, go through your 

husband’s or wife’s clothes and other personal 

items. It may be hard to give away these 

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belongings. Instead of parting with everything 

at once, you might make three piles: one to 

keep, one to give away, and one “not sure.” 

Ask your children or others to help. Think 

about setting aside items like a special piece of 

clothing, watch, favorite book, or picture to give 

to your children or grandchildren as personal 

reminders of your spouse. 

Going Out After the Death 

of a Spouse 

Having a social life on your own can be tough. 

It may be hard to think about going to parties 

or other social events by yourself. It can be hard 

to think about coming home alone. You may 

be anxious about dating. Many people miss the 

feeling of closeness that marriage brings. After 

time, some are ready to have a social life again. 

Here are some things to remember: 

 Go at a comfortable pace. There’s no rush. 

 It’s okay to make the first move when it 

comes to planning things to do. 

 Try group activities. Invite friends for a 

potluck dinner or go to a senior center. 

 With married friends, think about informal 

outings like walks, picnics, or movies rather than 

couple’s events that remind you of the past. 

 Find an activity you like. You may have fun 

and meet people who like to do the same thing. 

 You can develop meaningful relationships 

with friends and family members of all ages. 

 Many people find that pets provide 

comforting companionship. 

Take Care of Yourself 

 Get help from your family, friends, 

or professionals if you need it. 

 Be open to new experiences. 

 Take time to adjust to life without 

your spouse. 

For More Information About 

Mourning and Grief 

Eldercare Locator 

800-677-1116 (toll-free) 

eldercarelocator@n4a.org 

https://eldercare.acl.gov 

USA.gov 

844-872-4681 (toll-free) 

www.usa.gov 

Well Spouse Association 

800-838-0879 (toll-free) 

info@wellspouse.org 

www.wellspouse.org 

For information on health and aging, including 

resources on caregiving and Alzheimer’s 

disease, contact: 

National Institute on Aging 

Information Center 

800-222-2225 (toll-free) 

800-222-4225 (TTY/toll-free) 

niaic@nia.nih.gov 

www.nia.nih.gov | www.nia.nih.gov/espanol 

Visit www.nia.nih.gov/health to find more health 

and aging information from NIA and subscribe 

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National Institute 

on Aging 

NIH...Turning Discovery Into Health® 

September 2020 

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