Helping

Your Child

through Early Adolescence
U.S. Department of Education

Rod Paige

Secretary 

Office of Intergovernmental 

and Interagency Affairs

Laurie M. Rich

Assistant Secretary

John McGrath

Senior Director for Community Services 

and Partnerships

August 2002

This booklet is in the public domain.

Authorization to reproduce it in whole 

or in part for educational purposes is 

granted. While permission to reprint 

this publication is not necessary, the 

citation should be:

U.S. Department of Education

Office of Intergovernmental 

and Interagency Affairs

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Washington, D.C., 20202

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Helping

Your Child

through Early Adolescence

for parents of children from 10 through 14

U.S. Department of Education

Office of Intergovernmental and Interagency Affairs
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Foreword

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Contents

Early adolescence can be a challenging time for children and parents alike.

Parents often feel unprepared and they may view the years from 10

through 14 as a time just “to get through.” However, research and

common sense tell us that this view is very limited. During the early

adolescent years, parents and families can greatly influence the growth

and development of their children. We sell our children short if we expect

little from them and we sell ourselves short if we believe that we have no

influence.

A growing awareness that young adolescents can accomplish a great deal

is behind a national effort to improve education in America’s middle

grades. At the heart of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 is a promise to

raise standards for all children and to help all children meet those

standards. In support of this goal, President George W. Bush is committed

to promoting the very best teaching programs. Well-trained teachers and

instruction that is based on research can bring the best teaching

approaches and programs to children of all ages and help ensure that no

child is left behind. Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence is part of

the president’s efforts to provide parents with the latest research and

practical information that can help you support your children both at

home and in school. 

It’s not easy to raise a young teen. Many outside influences distract our

children and complicate our efforts. Exhaustion, anxiety, a lack of support

and limited resources may make it hard for us to be all that we want to be

for our children. But whatever the challenges, we share one aim: to do

the best job possible as parents. We hope that you will find this booklet

helpful in achieving this goal.

Bumps, No Boulders ....................................................................................................................................................................1

Changes.......................................................................................................................................................................................................4

Being an Effective Parent..................................................................................................................................................10

Communication............................................................................................................................................................................14

Independence...................................................................................................................................................................................23

Confidence...........................................................................................................................................................................................30

Friendships..........................................................................................................................................................................................36

Media...........................................................................................................................................................................................................42

The Middle Grades.....................................................................................................................................................................47

Parent Involvement..................................................................................................................................................................50

Reading.....................................................................................................................................................................................................56

Motivation............................................................................................................................................................................................59

Values..........................................................................................................................................................................................................64

Problems.................................................................................................................................................................................................68

Conclusion............................................................................................................................................................................................76

Resources...............................................................................................................................................................................................77

Bibliography.......................................................................................................................................................................................80

Acknowledgements.................................................................................................................................................................86

Tips to Help Your Child through Early Adolescence.......................................................................87

ii iii
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 1

Learning as much as you can about the world of

early adolescents is an important step toward

helping your child—and you—through the

fascinating, confusing and wonderful years from

ages 10 through 14.

Bumps, No Boulders

Mention being the parent of a young adolescent and other adults may roll

their eyes and express their sympathy. They see images of bedrooms in

which lost homework assignments share floor space with potato chip

wrappers and grubby sweatpants. 

But parents’ concerns run deeper than messy bedrooms. They worry

about the problems that young adolescents often face: rocky emotions,

rebellion, peer pressures, low motivation, drugs, alcohol and pregnancies. 

During the years from ages 10 through 14, children undergo many

physical, emotional and mental changes. Together these changes can

throw the lives of young teens and their parents off-balance. Major

problems may arise, particularly among children who are already at risk

of school failure.

On the other hand, if you talk to adults who work with young adolescents—teachers, school counselors and principals—you see another view

of these children. It’s true that young teens can be frustrating and

challenging and that they can test their parents’ patience. It’s also true,

iv
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ How will my child change between the ages of 10 and 14?

★ What can I do to be a good parent for my adolescent?

★ How can I communicate better with my child?

★ How much independence should I give my child? 

★ How can I help my child to become more confident?

★ How can I help my child to form good friendships and to resist

harmful peer pressure?

★ What can I do to keep the media from being a bad influence

on my child?

★ What is school like for adolescents?

★ What’s the best way for me to stay involved in my

child’s school and in other activities?

★ How can I help my child to be a successful reader?

★ How can I keep my child motivated to learn and

do well, both in and out of school?

★ What can I do to help my child to develop good

values and to learn right from wrong?

★ How can I tell—and what can I do—if my child is

having a serious problem?

3

however, that these same youngsters can be funny, curious, imaginative

and eager to learn. As research confirms, most young teens run into

bumps but no boulders. They (and their parents) hit some rough spots,

but they get through the young adolescent years successfully and grow

into adults who find work, create meaningful relationships and become

good citizens. 

The journey through these years is easier when parents, families and

caregivers learn as much as they can about this time in children’s lives

and when they give their children support. This booklet is designed to

help in this effort. It pulls together information from scientifically based

research, as well as from interviews with award-winning middle school

teachers, counselors and principals—most of whom also are—or have

been recently—parents of young adolescents. The booklet addresses the

following questions and concerns that parents of young teens often raise:

2 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

The journey through these years is easier when

parents, families and caregivers learn as much as they

can about this time in children’s lives and when they

give their children support.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

thought to their looks may suddenly spend hours primping, worrying and

complaining—about being too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny or too

pimply. Body parts may grow at different times and rates. Hands and feet,

for example, may grow faster than arms and legs. Because movement of

their bodies requires coordination of body parts—and because these parts

are of changing proportions—young adolescents may be clumsy and

awkward in their physical activities 

The rate at which physical growth and development

takes place also can influence other parts of a

young teen’s life. An 11-year-old girl who has

already reached puberty will have different

interests than will a girl who does not do so until

she’s 14. Young teens who bloom very early or

very late may have special concerns. Late

bloomers (especially boys) may feel they can’t

compete in sports with more physically developed

classmates. Early bloomers (especially girls) may be

pressured into adult situations before they are

emotionally or mentally able to handle them. The combined effect of the

age on the beginning for physical changes in puberty and the ways in

which friends, classmates, family and the world around them respond to

those changes can have long-lasting effects on an adolescent. Some young

teens, however, like the idea that they are developing differently from their

friends. For example, they may enjoy some advantages, especially in sports,

over classmates who mature later

Whatever the rate of growth, many young teens have an unrealistic view

of themselves and need to be reassured that differences in growth rates

are normal. 

5

Changes

How will my child change between the ages of 10 and 14?

Throughout our lives we grow and change, but during early adolescence

the rate of change is especially evident. We consider 10-year-olds to be

children; we think of 14-year-olds as “almost adults.” We welcome the

changes, but we also find them a little disturbing. When children are

younger, it is easier to predict when a change might take place and how

rapidly. But by early adolescence, the relationship between a child’s real

age and her* developmental milestones grows weaker. Just how young

teens develop can be influenced by many things: for example, genes,

families, friends, neighborhoods and values and other forces in society. 

Physical Changes 

As they enter puberty, young teens undergo a great many physical

changes, not only in size and shape, but in such things as the growth of

pubic and underarm hair and increased body odor. For girls, changes

include the development of breasts and the start of menstruation; for

boys, the development of testes. 

Adolescents do not all begin puberty at the same age. For girls, it may

take place anywhere from the age of 8 to 13; in boys, on average, it

happens about two years later. This is the time period when students’

physical characteristics vary the most within their classes and among their

friends—some may grow so much that, by the end of the school year,

they may be too large for the desks they were assigned in September.

Others may change more slowly.

Early adolescence often brings with it new concerns about body image

and appearance. Both girls and boys who never before gave much

4 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

* Please note: In this booklet, we refer to a child as “her” in some places and “him” in others. We do this to make the booklet

easier to read. Please understand, however, that every point that we make is the same for girls and boys.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

only person who feels the way he feels or has the same experiences, that he

is so special that no one else, particularly his family, can understand him.

This belief can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation. In addition, a

young teen’s focus on herself has implications for how she mixes with family

and friends. (“I can’t be seen going to a movie with my mother!”)

Teens’ emotions often seem exaggerated. Their actions

seem inconsistent. It is normal for young teens to swing

regularly from being happy to being sad and from feeling

smart to feeling dumb. In fact, some think of adolescence

as a second toddlerhood. As Carol Bleifield, a middle

school counselor in Wisconsin, explains, “One minute,

they want to be treated and taken care of like a small

child. Five minutes later they are pushing adults away,

saying, ‘Let me do it.’ It may help if you can help them

understand that they are in the midst of some major

changes, changes that don’t always move steadily ahead.”

In addition to changes in the emotions that they feel,

most young teens explore different ways to express their emotions. For

example, a child who greeted friends and visitors with enthusiastic hugs

may turn into a teen who gives these same people only a small wave or

nod of the head. Similarly, hugs and kisses for a parent may be replaced

with a pulling away and an, “Oh, Mom!” It’s important to remember,

though, that these are usually changes in ways of expressing feelings and

not the actual feelings about friends, parents and family.

Be on the lookout for excessive emotional swings or long-lasting sadness

in your child. These can suggest severe emotional problems. (For more

information, see the Problems section, page 68.)

7

Emotional Changes 

Most experts believe that the idea of young teens being controlled by their

“raging hormones” is exaggerated. Nonetheless, this age can be one of mood

swings, sulking, a craving for privacy and short tempers. Young children are

not able to think far ahead, but young teens can and do—which allows them

to worry about the future. Some may worry excessively about:

★ their school performance;

★ their appearance, physical development and popularity;

★ the possible death of a parent;

★ being bullied at school;

★ school violence;

★ not having friends;

★ drugs and drinking;

★ hunger and poverty in the country;

★ their inability to get a good job;

★ nuclear bombs and terrorists attacks on the country;

★ the divorce of their parents; and

★ dying.

Many young teens are very self-conscious. And, because they are experiencing dramatic physical and emotional changes, they are often overly

sensitive about themselves. They may worry about personal qualities or

“defects” that are major to them, but are hardly noticeable to others. (Belief:

“I can’t go to the party tonight because everyone will laugh at this baseballsized zit on my forehead.” Facts: The pimple is tiny and hidden by hair.) A

young teen also can be caught up in himself. He may believe that he is the

6 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
They begin to realize that they

play different roles with 

different people: son or

daughter, friend, teammate,

student, worker and so forth.

is a major activity during adolescence. Most adolescents will explore a

range of possible identities. They go through “phases” that to a parent can

seem to be ever-changing. Indeed, adolescents who don’t go through this

period of exploration are at greater risk of developing psychological

problems, especially depression, when they are adults. 

Just as adults, with more experience and cognitive maturity can struggle

with their different roles, adolescents struggle in developing a sense of

who they are. They begin to realize that they play different roles with

different people: son or daughter, friend, teammate, student, worker and

so forth. 

Young teens may be able to think more like adults, but they still do not

have the experience that is needed to act like adults. As a result, their

behavior may be out of step with their ideas. For example, your child may

participate eagerly in a walk to raise money to save the environment—but

litter the route she walks with soda cans. Or she may spend an evening on

the phone or exchanging e-mails with a friend talking about how they

dislike a classmate because she gossips.

It takes time for young teens and their parents to adjust to all these

changes. But the changes are also exciting. They allow a young teen to

see what she can be like in the future and to develop plans for becoming

that person.

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 9

Cognitive Changes

The cognitive or mental, changes that take place in early adolescence may

be less easy to see, but they can be just as dramatic as physical and

emotional changes. During adolescence, most teens make large leaps in

the way they think, reason and learn. Younger children need to see and

touch things to be convinced that they are real. But in early adolescence,

children become able to think about ideas and about things that they

can’t see or touch. They become better able to think though problems and

see the consequences of different points of view or actions. For the first

time, they can think about what might be, instead of what is. A 6-yearold thinks a smiling person is happy and

a crying person is sad. A 14-year-old

may tell you that a sad person smiles to

hide his true feelings.

The cognitive changes allow young teens

to learn more advanced and complicated

material in school. They become eager to

gain and apply knowledge and to

consider a range of ideas or options.

These mental changes also carry over

into their emotional lives. Within the

family, for example, the ability to reason may change the way a young

teen talks to and acts around her parents. She begins to anticipate how

her parents will react to something she says or does and prepares an

answer or an explanation.

In addition, these mental changes lead adolescents to consider who they

are and who they may be. This is a process called identity formation and it

8 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Showing love. When our children behave badly, we may become

angry or upset with them. We may also feel miserable because we

become angry or upset. But these feelings are different from not loving

our children. Young adolescents need adults who are there for them—

people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time

with them and show a genuine interest in them. This is how they

learn to care for and love others. According to school counselor Carol

Bleifield, “Parents can love their children but not necessarily love what

they do—and children need to trust that this is true.” 

★ Providing support. Young adolescents need support as they struggle

with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents and

families. They need praise when they’ve done their best. They need

encouragement to develop interests and personal characteristics. 

★ Setting limits. Young adolescents need parents or other adults who

consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and

appropriate for age and

development. Limits keep all

children, including young

teens, physically and

emotionally safe. Carole

Kennedy is a former middle

school principal, U.S.

Department of Education’s

Principal-in-Residence (2000)

and president of the National

Association of Elementary School Principals. She puts it this way,

“They need parents who can say, ‘No, you cannot go to the mall all

day or to movies with that group of kids.” Psychologist Diana

Baumrind identifies three types of parents: authoritarian, permissive

11

Being an Effective Parent

What can I do to be a good parent for my early adolescent child?

Parents often become less involved in the lives of their children as they

enter the middle grades. But your young adolescent needs as much

attention and love from you as he needed when he was younger—and

maybe more. A good relationship with you or with other adults is the best

safeguard your child has as he grows and explores. By the time he reaches

adolescence, you and he will have had years of experience with each

other; the parent of today’s toddler is parent to tomorrow’s teenager.

Your relationship with your child may change—in fact, it almost certainly

must change—however, as she develops the skills required to be a

successful adult. These changes can be rewarding and

welcome. As your middle school child makes mental

and emotional leaps, your conversations will grow

richer. As her interests develop and deepen,

she may begin to teach you—how to slug a

baseball, what is happening with

the city council or county

board or why a new

book is worth reading.

America is home to

people with a great

variety of attitudes,

opinions and values.

Americans have different ideas and priorities, which can affect how we

choose to raise our children. Across these differences, however, research

has shown that being effective parents involves the following qualities:

10 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Young adolescents need adults

who are there for them—people

who connect with them,

communicate with them, spend

time with them and show a

genuine interest in them.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

—completing chores, such as doing yard work, cleaning

their rooms or helping to prepare meals, that contribute

to the family’s well being;

—completing homework assignments without

being nagged;

—taking on community activities; 

—finding ways to be useful to others; and

—admitting to both the good and bad choices

that they make.

★ Providing a range of experiences. Adolescence is a time for exploring

many areas and doing new things. Your child may try new sports and

new academic pursuits and read new books. He may experiment with

different forms of art, learn about different cultures and careers and

take part in community or religious activities. Within your means,

you can open doors for your child. You can introduce him to new

people and to new worlds. In doing so, you may renew in yourself

long-ignored interests and talents, which also can set a good example

for your child. Don’t be discouraged when his interests change.

★ Showing respect. It is tempting to label all young adolescents as being

difficult and rebellious. But these youngsters vary as much as do

children in any other age group. Your child needs to be treated with

respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate her differences

and to treat her as an individual. Respect also requires you to show

compassion by trying to see things from your child’s point of view and

to consider her needs and feelings. By treating your young adolescent

with respect, you help her to take pleasure in good behavior.

There are no perfect parents. However, a bad decision or an “off” day (or

week or month) isn’t likely to have any lasting impact on your child. What’s

most important in being an effective parent is what you do over time. 

13

and authoritative. By studying about findings from more than 20 years

of research, she and her colleagues have found that to be effective

parents, it’s best to avoid extremes. Authoritarian parents who lay

down hard-and-fast rules and expect their children to always do as

they are told or permissive parents who have very few rules or

regulations and give their children too much freedom are most likely

to have the most difficult time as parents. Their children are at risk

for a range of negative behavioral and emotional consequences.

However, authoritative parents, who set limits that are clear and come

with explanations, tend to struggle less with their adolescents. “Do it 

because I said so” probably didn’t

work for your son when he was 6

and it’s even less likely to work now

that he’s an adolescent. (For more

information on setting limits, see the

Independence section, page 23.)

★ Being a role model. Young adolescents need strong role models. Try

to live the behavior and values that 

you hope your child will develop. Your actions speak louder than

words. If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with

kindness and respect, your child stands a better chance of following

your example. As adolescents explore possibilities of who they may

become, they look to their parents, peers, well-known personalities

and others to define who they may become.

★ Teaching responsibility. We are not born knowing how to act responsibly. A sense of responsibility is formed over time. As children grow

up, they need to learn to take more and more responsibility for such

things as:

12 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

If you set high standards for

yourself and treat others with

kindness and respect, your

child stands a better chance 

of following your example.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Realize that no recipe exists for successful communication. What

works for getting one child to talk about what’s important doesn’t

always work with another one. One middle school teacher and

mother of two says her daughter is open and talkative; her son is

quieter. But because her son likes to listen to music, to write and to

read, this mother often goes with him to a local bookstore. Here, in a

place where he’s comfortable, the son describes stories and book

characters as a link to what he is thinking and feeling. By listening to

music with him and proofreading his writing when he’s willing to let

her this mother encourages her son to open up.

★ Listen. “You need to spend a lot of time not talking,” suggests Diane

Crim, a middle school teacher in

Utah. To listen means to avoid

interrupting and it means to pay

close attention. This is best done in

a quiet place with no distractions.

It’s hard to listen carefully if

you’re also trying to cook dinner

or watch television. Often just talking with your child about a

problem or an issue helps to clarify things. Sometimes the less you

offer advice, the more your young teen may ask you for it. Listening

can also be the best way to uncover a more serious problem that

requires your attention.

★ Create opportunities to talk. To communicate with your child you

need to make yourself available. Young adolescents resist

“scheduled” talks; they don’t open up when you tell them to, but

when they want to. Some teens like to talk when they first get home

from school. Others may like to talk at the dinner table or at

bedtime. Some parents talk with their children in the car, preferably

when the radio, tapes and CDs aren’t playing. “I take my daughter to

15

Communication

How can I communicate better with my child?

Young adolescents often aren’t great communicators, particularly with

their parents and other adults who love them. Emily Hutchison, a middle

school teacher from Texas notes that

young teens “often feel they can talk

with anyone better than their

parents—even wonderful parents.”

“They tend to be private,” explains

Patricia Lemons, a middle school

teacher in New Mexico. “They don’t

necessarily want to tell you what they

did at school today.” 

Many psychologists have found,

however, that when parents know

where their children are and what

they are doing (and when the adolescent knows the parent knows, what

psychologists call monitoring), adolescents are at a lower risk for a range of

bad experiences, including drug, alcohol and tobacco use; sexual behavior

and pregnancy; and delinquency and violence. The key, according to

psychologists, is to be inquisitive but not interfering, working to respect

your child’s privacy as you establish trust and closeness.

It’s easiest to communicate with a young teen if you established this habit

when your child was little. As school counselor Carol Bleifield explains,

“You don’t suddenly dive in during the seventh grade and say, ‘So what

did you do with your friends on Friday night?’” But it’s not impossible to

improve communication when your child reaches early adolescence. Here

are some tips:

14 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Sometimes the less you offer

advice, the more your young

teen may ask you for it.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

why your child made or wants to make a poor choice is more

constructive: “Dropping out of your algebra class will cut off lots of

choices for you in the future. Some colleges won’t admit you

without two years of algebra, plus geometry and some trigonometry.

Let’s get you some help with algebra.”

★ Avoid over-reacting. Responding too strongly can lead to yelling

and screaming and it can shut down conversation. “Try to keep

anxiety and emotions out of the conversation—then kids will open

up,” advises eighth-grade teacher Anne Jolly from Alabama.

Instead of getting riled up, she says, “It’s better to ask, ‘What do

you think about what you did?

Let’s talk about this.’”

Middle school teacher Charles

Summers adds, “Kids are more

likely to be open if they look at

you as somebody who is not going

to spread their secrets or get

extremely upset if they confess

something to you. If your kid says,

‘I’ve got to tell you something.

Friday night I tried beer,’ and you

go off the deep end, your kid

won’t tell you again.” 

At a time when they are already judging themselves critically, adolescents make themselves vulnerable when they open up to parents.

We know that the best way to encourage a behavior is to reward it.

If you are critical when your teenager talks to you, what he sees is

that his openness gets punished rather than rewarded.

17

a mall—not the closer one, but the cooler one that is an hour and a

half away,” says a middle school teacher and mother. Many of the

best conversations grow out of shared activities. “Parents try to grab

odd moments and have this deep communication with their child,”

notes Sherry Tipps, an Arkansas teacher. “Then they are frustrated

because it doesn’t happen.”

★ Talk over differences. Communication breaks down for some parents

because they find it hard to manage differences with their child. It’s

often easiest to limit these differences

when you have put in place clear

expectations. If your 13-year-old

daughter knows she’s to be home by

9:30 p.m.—and if she knows the

consequences for not meeting this

curfew—the likelihood that she will be

home on time increases. 

Differences of opinion are easier to manage when we recognize that

these differences can provide important opportunities for us to

rethink the limits and to negotiate new ones, a skill that is valuable

for your child to develop. For example, when your daughter is 14,

setting a later curfew for some occasions may be fine. Such negotiations are possible because of your child’s growing cognitive skills and

ability to reason and consider many possibilities and views. Because

she can consider that her curfew should be later on the weekend

than on school nights, your insistence that “it doesn’t matter” will

only create a conflict.

When differences arise, telling your child your concerns firmly but

calmly can prevent differences from becoming battles. Explaining

16 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

When differences arise,

telling your child your

concerns firmly but calmly

can prevent differences

from becoming battles.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

—Emotions. As was pointed out earlier, young adolescents worry

about a lot of different things. They worry about: their friends,

being popular, sexuality, being overweight or scrawny, tomorrow’s

math test, grades, getting into college, being abandoned and the

future of the world. The list goes on. Sometimes it’s hard to know

if a problem seems big to your child. School counselor Carol

Bleifield says that if she is unsure, she asks, “Is this a small

problem, a medium problem or a big problem? How important is it

to you? How often do you worry about it?” Figuring out the size

and importance of the problem helps her decide how to address it.

—Family. Young adolescents like to

talk about and be involved in

plans for the whole family,

such as vacations, as well as

things that affect them

individually, such as curfews

or allowances. If you need

back surgery, your child will

want to know ahead of time.

She may also want to learn

more about the operation. Being a part of conversations

about such topics can contribute to your child’s feelings of

belonging and security.

—Sensitive subjects. Families should handle sensitive subjects in a way

that is consistent with their values. Remember, though, that

avoiding such subjects won’t make them go away. If you avoid

talking with your child about sensitive subjects, he may turn to

the media or his friends for information. This increases the

chances that what he hears will be out of line with your values or

that the information will be wrong—or both.

19

★ Talk about things that are important to your young teen. Different

youngsters like to talk about different things. Some of the things they

talk about may not seem important to you, but, as school counselor

Carol Bleifield explains, “With kids, sometimes it’s like a different

culture. You need to try to understand this, to put yourself in their

place and time.” She cautions against pretending to be excited about

something that bores you. By asking questions and listening, however,

you can show your child that you respect his feelings and opinions.

Here are topics that generally interest young adolescents:

—School. If you ask your child, “What did you do in school today?”

she most likely will answer, “Nothing.” Of course, you know that

isn’t true. By looking at your child’s assignment book or reading

notices sent home by the school, you will

know that on Tuesday, your 10-year-old

began studying animals in South America

that are headed for extinction or that the

homecoming football game is Friday night.

With this information, you then can ask

your child about specific classes or

activities, which is more likely to start a

conversation. 

—Hobbies and personal interests. If your child loves sports, talk about his

favorite team or event or watch the World Series or the Olympics

with him. Most young adolescents are interested in music. Barbara

Braithwaite, a middle school teacher in Pennsylvania notes that

“Music has been the signature of every generation. It defines each

age group. Parents ought to at least know the names of popular

singers.” It’s important, however, to tell your child when you

believe that the music he is listening to is inappropriate—and to

explain why. Your silence can be misconstrued as approval.

18 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

“Music has been the

signature of every

generation. It defines each

age group. Parents ought

to at least know the 

names of popular singers.”
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

that the world will blow up some day?” “Will there be enough

gasoline so that I can drive a car when I get older?” These

questions deserve the best answers that you can provide (and those

that you can’t answer deserve an honest, “I don’t know.”).

—Culture, current events. Ours is a media-rich world. Even young

children are exposed to television, music, movies, video and

computer games and other forms of media. Remember, though,

that the media can provide a window into your adolescent’s

world. For example, if you and your child have seen the same

movie (together or separately),

you can ask her whether she liked

it and what parts she liked best.

★ Communicate with kindness and

respect.Young teens can say or do

things that are outrageous or meanspirited or both. However hard your

child pushes your buttons, it’s best to respond calmly. The respect

and self-control that you display in talks with your child may some

day be reflected in her conversations with others.

How you say something is as important as what you say. “Stop

picking at your face” can reduce a young adolescent to tears. “Your

room looks like a pigsty” isn’t as helpful as, “You need to spend some

time picking up your room. The job will be easier if you spend 5

minutes right now picking the clothes up off the floor—putting the

dirty ones in the hamper and hanging the clean ones up. After lunch

you can spend 5 minutes straightening up your bookshelf.” Youngsters also pay attention to the tone of your voice. A 10-yearold can easily tell a calm voice from an angry one.

21

Sharon Sikora, a middle

school teacher from

Colorado, explains that

middle schoolers have

wrong or inaccurate

information about many

important subjects. They

will say they know about

certain sensitive topics but they really don’t. Discussing a sensitive

subject directly may not work, Ms. Sikora notes, “You can’t just sit

down and say, ‘Today we are going to talk about marijuana use.’

That shuts down the conversation before you ever start.” 

—Parents’ lives, hopes and dreams. Many young adolescents want a

window to their parents’ world, both past and present. How old

were you when you got your ears pierced? Did you ever have a

teacher who drove you crazy? Did you get an allowance when

you were 11? If so, how much? Were you sad when your grandpa

died? What is your boss like at work? This doesn’t mean you are

obligated to dump all of your problems and emotions into your

child’s lap. You are a parent not a peer and an inappropriate

question may best be left answered. However, recounting some

things about your childhood and your life today can help your

child sort out his own life.

—The future. As the cognitive abilities of young adolescents develop,

they begin to think more about the future and its possibilities. Your

child may want to talk more about what to expect in the years to

come—life after high school, jobs and marriage. He may ask

questions such as, “What is it like to live in a college dormitory?”

“How old do you have to be to get married?” “Is there any chance

20 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

However hard your child

pushes your buttons, it’s

best to respond calmly.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

How much independence should I give my child?

As children enter adolescence, they often beg for more freedom. Parents

walk a tightrope between wanting their children to be confident and able

to do things for themselves and knowing that the world can be a scary

place with threats to their children’s health and safety.

Some parents allow too much of the wrong kind of

freedom or they offer freedom before the

adolescent is ready to accept it. Other parents

cling too tightly, denying young teens both the

responsibilities they require to develop

maturity and the opportunities they need to

make choices and accept their consequences.

Research tells us that adolescents do best

when they remain closely connected to their

parents but at the same time are allowed to

have their own points of view and even to

disagree with their parents. Here are some tips to

help balance closeness and independence:

★ Set limits. All children sometimes resist limits, but they want them

and they need them. In a world that can seem too hectic for adults

and adolescents alike, limits provide a security. Oftentimes, adolescents whose parents do not set limits feel unloved. Setting limits is

most effective when it begins early. It is harder but not impossible,

however, to establish limits during early adolescence.

23

Kindness goes hand-in-hand

with respect. As Joan Lipsitz,

a nationally recognized

authority on educating

middle-grade students and

the mother of two grown

children, explains, “When I

was an active parent and teacher, I

had a rule that grew out of a classroom experience: ‘I will never

knowingly be unkind to you and you will never knowingly be

unkind to me.’ That turned out to be the most powerful rule I ever

set, either in the classroom—it changed the culture—or at home.” 

Communicating with respect also requires not talking down to

adolescents. They are becoming more socially conscious and aware

of events in the world and they appreciate thoughtful conversations.

Jerri Foley, a middle school counselor in South Carolina, tells the

story of a trip she made with a group of adolescent girls when the

state was debating whether to continue flying the Confederate battle

flag from atop the state house. “We were driving along the highway

when we got into a big discussion,” she recalls. “We got so intense

talking about it that we missed the exit to come home.”

22 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Independence
★ Grant independence in stages. The more mature and responsible a

young teen’s behavior is, the more privileges parents can grant. You

might first give your young teen the right to choose which sneakers

to buy within a certain price range. Later you can let him make

other clothing purchases—with the understanding that price tags

won’t be removed until you approve the items. Eventually, you can

give him a clothing allowance to spend as he likes.

★ Health and safety come first. Your most important responsibility as a

parent is to protect your child’s health and safety. Your child needs to

know that your love for her

requires you to veto activities and

choices that threaten either of

these. Let your child know what

things threaten her health and

safety—and often the health and

safety of others—and put your foot

down. Doing this is made more

difficult, though, because adolescents have a sense that nothing can

hurt them. At the same time that he feels that everything he experiences is new and unique, an adolescent also believes that what

happens to others will not happen to him. His beliefs are based on

the fact that adolescence is the healthiest period of time during our

lives. In this period, physical illnesses are not common and fatal

disease is rare. The important thing to emphasize to your child is

that, while he may be very healthy, death and injury during adolescence are most often caused by violence and accidents.

Your child needs to know

that your love for her

requires you to veto

activities and choices that

threaten either of these.

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 25

★ Be clear. Most young teens respond best to specific instructions,

which are repeated regularly. As middle school teacher Sharon

Sikora notes, “Don’t just say, ‘I want your room clean,’ because they

don’t know what that means. Say, in a non-argumentative way,

‘This is how I perceive a clean room.’ They may say, ‘I don’t really

want the lamp over here, I want it over there.’ Give them the

freedom to express themselves.”

★ Give reasonable choices. Choices make young teens more open to

guidance. For example, you can tell your son that his algebra

homework must be done before bedtime, but that he has a choice of

completing it either before or

after supper. And you can tell

your 14-year-old daughter that

she can’t hang around the

video arcade with her friends

on Saturday night, but she can

have a group of friends over to

your house to watch a movie.

Using humor and creativity as

you give choices may also

make your child more willing

to accept them. One middle

school teacher couldn’t get her own child to hang up clean clothes or put

dirty clothes in the laundry basket. So she gave her daughter two

options—either all the clothes had to be picked up or everything would

go on the floor. “I was washing the clothes, then putting them in piles on

the floor,” the teacher recalls. “It made me crazy, but it worked.” After

two weeks, her daughter got tired of the stacks on the floor and she

began picking up her clothes. 

24 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

You can guide by being a good listener and by asking questions that

help your child to think about the results of her actions: “What could

happen if you let someone who is drunk drive you home?” Your

guidance may be better appreciated if you ask your child’s advice on

a range of matters and follow the advice if it seems reasonable:

“What should we cook for Daddy’s birthday?” “I don’t have to work

on Saturday. Is there anything special you’d like to do?”

The fine line between guiding and controlling may be different for

different children. Some children, whether they are 7 or 17, need

firmer guidance and fewer privileges than do other children at the

same age. One middle school teacher explains how the different

behavior of her own two teens created a need for different limits:

“My daughter understood a midnight curfew to mean that she either

had to be in the house with the door locked by 12 or else she must

have placed the call from the emergency room informing her parents

that she had broken her leg. My son, who was 15 months younger,

understood a midnight

curfew to mean that he

could call at 11:59 p.m. to

inform his parents that

he’d be home after the

pizza he’d ordered with

his buddies had arrived

and been consumed and

he’d driven home his 6

friends.”

27

★ Say no to choices that cut off future options. Some things aren’t

worth fighting about. It may offend you if your son wears a shirt to

school that clashes wildly with his pants, but this isn’t a choice that

can cut off future possibilities for him. Young teens may have a

growing sense of the future, but they still lack the experiences

required to fully understand how a decision they make today can

affect them tomorrow. They may have heard that smoking is

unhealthy, but they do not fully understand what it means to die of

lung cancer at the age of 45. Talk to your children about the lifelong

consequences of choices they make. Help them understand there are

good and bad decisions and that knowing

one from the other can make all the

difference in their lives. Let your child

know that you are “the keeper of options”

until he is old enough and responsible

enough to assume this responsibility: He

may not skip school and he may not

avoid taking tough courses that will

prepare him for college.

★ Guide, but resist the temptation to control. The earlier section on

being an effective parent discussed the importance of striking a good

balance between laying down the law and allowing too much

freedom. With most young teens, it’s easiest to maintain this balance

by guiding but not controlling. Young teens need opportunities to

explore different roles, try on new personalities and experiment. They

need to learn that choices have consequences. That means making

some mistakes and accepting the results. But parents need to provide

guidance so that young teens avoid making too many poor choices.

26 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

You can guide by being a

good listener and by asking

questions that help your

child to think about the

results of her actions.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Finally and despite what we often hear and read, adolescents look to their

parents first and foremost in shaping their lives. When it comes to morals

and ethics, political beliefs and religion, teenagers almost always have

more in common with their parents than their parents believe. As a

parent, you should look beyond the surface, beyond the specific behaviors

to who your child is becoming. Your teenager may want to dye her hair

purple and pierce most parts of her body, but these expressions may be

independent of her sense of who she is and who she will become. At the

same time that many of your child’s behaviors are ultimately harmless,

some of them may not only be harmful but also deadly. 

Parents need to talk to their children and make it clear that many of the

major threats to their future health and happiness are not a matter of

chance, but are a matter of choice—choices like drinking and driving,

smoking, drugs, sexual activity, and dropping out of school.

Research tells us that adolescents who engage in one risky behavior are

more likely to participate in others, so parents need to be front and center,

talking to their children

about the potentially deadly

consequences of opening

that Pandora’s box.

29

★ Let kids make mistakes. We want our children to grow into adults

who can solve problems and make good choices. These abilities are a

critical part of being independent. To develop these abilities,

however, young teens on occasion may need to fail, provided the

stakes aren’t too high and no one’s health or safety is at risk. Making

mistakes also allows young teens to learn one critical skill—how to

bounce back. It’s hard for a child to learn how to pick himself up

and start over if his parents always rescue him from difficulties.

★ Make actions have consequences. If you tell your child that she must

be home by 10 p.m., do not ignore her midnight arrival. You lose

credibility with your child if she suffers no consequences for

returning home two hours late. However, the punishment should fit

the crime. Grounding a child for six weeks restricts the entire family.

Instead, you might talk with your child about how coming in two

hours late has affected you. You’ve

been up worrying and have missed

your sleep. But you’ll still have to get

up the next morning at your regular

time, make breakfast, do your chores

and go to work. Because her lack of

consideration has made your life

harder, she will have to complete

some of your chores so that you can

get to bed earlier the next night.

28 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Your teenager may want to

dye her hair purple and 

pierce most parts of her

body, but these expressions

may be independent of her

sense of who she is and who

she will become.
Confidence

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Society sends girls the message that it is important for them to get

along with others and to be very, very thin and pretty. Life can be

just as hard, however, for a boy who thinks he has to meet society’s

expectations that boys have to be good at sports and other physical

activities.

★ Girls mature physically about two years earlier than do boys, which

requires girls to deal with issues of how they look, popularity and

sexuality before they are emotionally mature enough to do so.

★ Girls may receive confusing messages about the importance of

achievement. Although girls are told that achievement is important,

some also fear that they won’t be liked, especially by boys, if they

come across as too smart or too capable, especially in the areas of

math, science and technology.

If your young adolescent suffers from a severe lack of confidence over

long period, she may benefit from seeing a counselor or other professional. This is especially true if she also has a drug or alcohol problem, a

learning disability, an eating disorder or severe depression. (See the

Problems section, page 68, for information that can help you

to decide whether your child fits into one of these

categories.) Most young adolescents will get through the

rough spots with adequate time

and support. 

Most psychologists now

believe that self-esteem and

self-confidence represent a

range of feelings that a child

has about himself in many

31

How can I help my child to become more confident?

Young teens often feel inadequate. They have new bodies and developing

minds and their relationships with friends and family members are in

flux. They understand for the first time that they aren’t good at

everything. The changes in their lives may take place more rapidly than

their ability to adjust to them.

Poor self-esteem often peaks in early adolescence, then improves during the middle and

late teen years as identities gain strength and

focus. At any age, however, a lack of

confidence can be a serious problem. Young

teens with poor self-esteem can be lonely,

awkward with others and sensitive to

criticism and with what they see as their

shortcomings. Young teens with low

confidence are less likely to join in activities

and form friendships. This isolates them

further and slows their ability to develop a

better self-image. When they do make

friends, they are more vulnerable to negative

peer pressure. 

Some young adolescents who lack confidence hold back in class. Others

act out to gain attention. At its worst, a lack of confidence is often linked

with self-destructive behavior and habits—smoking or drug or alcohol

use, for example.

Girls often experience deeper self-doubts than do boys (although there

are many exceptions). This can be for many reasons:

30 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Don’t push a particular activity on your child. Most children,

whether they are 3 or 13 years old, resist efforts to get them to do

things that they don’t enjoy. Pushing children to participate in

activities they haven’t chosen for themselves can lead to frustration.

Try to balance your child’s experiences between activities that he is

already good at doing with new activities or with activities that he is

not so good at doing.

You can also help your child to build confidence by assigning him

family responsibilities at which he can succeed—unloading the

dishwasher, cleaning his room or mowing the lawn.

★ Help young teens feel safe and trust in themselves. The ability of

adolescents to trust in themselves comes from receiving unconditional love that helps them to feel safe and to develop the ability to

solve their own problems. Your child, like all children, will encounter

situations that require her to lean on you and others.

But always relying on you to bail her out of

tough situations can stunt her emotional

growth. “We have to teach our

children how to cope with the

things they encounter, instead

of easing the path,” says

teacher Anne Jolly.

33

different situations. Psychologist Susan Harter has developed a theory of

self-esteem that considers both a child’s sense of confidence in an area of

activity and how important that area is to the child. For example, adolescents may think about a number of situations: competing on the track

team, studying math, dating, taking care of

younger brothers or sisters and so on. An

adolescent is likely to feel more confident

doing some of these things than others. She

may feel very good about her athletic ability

and skill at math, but feel bad about her

dating life. She may also have mixed

feelings about how good a sister she is to

her baby brother. How good this teenager feels about herself ties to how

important each of these area is to her. If having a very active dating life is

the most important area of her life, this girl will feel bad about herself. If

being a scholar-athlete is most important area, then she will feel very

good about herself. Based on this theory, the best ways to help your child

to develop confidence include the following:

★ Provide opportunities for your child to succeed. As teacher Diane

Crim points out, “The best way to instill confidence in someone is to

give them successful experiences. You need to set them up to

succeed—give them experiences where they can see how powerful

they are. Kids can engineer those experiences. Part of confidence is

knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do.”

Help your child to build confidence in his abilities by encouraging

him to take an art class, act in a play, join a soccer or baseball team,

participate in science fairs or computer clubs or play a musical

instrument—whatever he likes to do that brings out the best in him.

32 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

An adolescent is likely to

feel more confident

doing some of these

things than others.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Praise and encourage. Praise is meaningful to adolescents when it

comes from those they love and count on most—their parents and

other important adults in their lives. Praising your child will help her

to gain confidence. However, the compliments that you give her

must be genuine. She will recognize when they are not. 

★ Have patience. As adults, most people have confidence. This

confidence comes about through years of experiencing success, but

also through years of exploring strengths and weakness and choosing

to stress different parts of our lives. Most of us would be unhappy if

we had to do only those things that we are not good at. As adults,

we tend to find our areas of strength and—to the extent we can—to

pursue these areas more than others. For an adolescent, however, it

is difficult to downplay the areas in which they are less confident.

For example, it is very hard for an

adolescent with academic skills to focus

on school rather than on dating,

when all of her friends are dating

and telling her how important

dating is. For a parent this can

lead to feelings of helplessness.

You know that whether that

cute new boy asked out your

daughter will have little

consequence on her life for the

long run, but you also know

that she cannot yet see this!

35

★ Talk about anxieties that are related to school violence and to global

terrorism. Many children have seen terrifying images of death and

destruction on television and on the Internet. You can help your

child to understand that although the country has suffered awful

acts of terror, we are strong people who can come together and

support each other through difficult times. In addition, you can:

—Create a calm environment in your home through your own

behavior. This may not be possible if your family has been affected

directly by an act of terror or violence. If you are anxious, you

need to explain to your child what you are feeling and why.

Children take emotional cues from those they love.

—Listen to what your child has to say. Assure him that adults are

working to make homes and schools safe.

—Help your child to separate fact from fiction. Discuss facts with

your child and avoid guessing, exaggerating or overreacting.

—Monitor your child’s television, radio and Internet activity. Help

her to avoid overexposure to violent images, which can heighten

her anxiety.

—Use historical examples (for example, Pearl Harbor or the

Challenger space shuttle explosion) to

explain to your child that bad things

happen to innocent people, but that

people go on with their lives and resolve

even terrible situations.

—Continue your normal family routines.

34 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

More information on

talking with children about

violence or acts of terror is

available on the U.S.

Department of Education’s

Web site at www.ed.gov.
Friendships

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Studies by psychologist Thomas Berndt and his colleagues have shown that

friends do influence one another’s attitudes and behavior and that, over

time, friends become more and more similar in their attitudes and behavior.

For example, adolescents whose friends described themselves as more

disruptive in school increased in disruption themselves over the school year. 

The peak period for peer influence is generally from seventh to ninth

grades. During this time, friends often influence taste in music, clothes or

hairstyles, as well as the activities in which youngsters choose to participate. However, peers do not replace parents. You are still the most

important influence in your child’s life. Young teens are more inclined to

turn to their parents than to peers for guidance in deciding what posthigh-school plans to make, what career to select and what religious and

moral values to choose. This influence is greatest when the bond between

parent and child is strong.

Here are some tips to guide you in helping your child to form good friendships:

★ Recognize that peer pressure can be bad or good. Most young teens

are drawn to friends who are similar to them. If your child chooses

friends who are not interested in school and who make poor grades,

he may be less willing to study or complete assignments. If he

chooses friends who like school and do well in their studies,

however, his motivation to get good grades may be strengthened.

Friends who avoid alcohol and drugs also will exert a positive

influence on your child.

37

How can I help my child to form good friendships and to resist

harmful peer pressure?

Friendships can affect many areas of young adolescents’ lives—grades,

how they spend their time, what clubs they join and how they behave in

public places, such as a shopping mall. Youngsters who have trouble

forming friendships are more likely to have poor self-esteem, do poorly in

school, drop out, get

involved in delinquent

behavior and suffer from

a range of psychological

problems as adults.

Children of all ages need

to feel that they fit in—

that they belong. As

children approach the

teen years, the need to be

“one of the gang” is

stronger than at any other

age. Friendships become closer and more important and play a key part in

allowing young adolescents to sort out who they are and where they’re

headed. They are likely to form small groups or cliques, each with a special

identity (for example, jocks, brains, preppies or geeks).

Many parents worry that their children’s friends will become so

influential in their lives that their own roles will diminish. Parents worry

still more that their children’s friends will encourage them to take part in

harmful activities.

36 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Young teens are more inclined to

turn to their parents than to peers

for guidance in deciding what

post-high-school plans to make.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 39

your child some unstructured time with friends in a safe place with

adult supervision lets him share ideas and develop important social

skills. For example, among friends your child can learn that good

friends are good listeners, that they are helpful and confident (but

not overly so), that they are enthusiastic, possess a sense of humor

and that they respect others. Spending time with others may also

help your child to change some behaviors that make others

uncomfortable around him: being too serious or unenthusiastic,

critical of others or too stubborn.

★ Talk with your child about friends, about friendship and about

making choices. It’s normal for adolescents to care about what others

think of them. This makes it especially important for you to talk

with your youngster about resisting the pressure to disobey the rules

or go against the standards and values that she has been taught. You

can talk with her about how to be

a good friend and about how all

friendships have their ups and

downs. You can also talk about the

importance of making good

choices when she is with friends.

“I always tell them, ‘If it feels

wrong, it probably is,’” explains

teacher Barbara Braithwaite.

Teacher Charles Summers tells his

middle school students and his own children, “You need to look at

who you are when you are with this person.” He also suggests that

they ask themselves this question: “How do you want to be

described by others?” Children’s responses can guide their behavior.

★ Get to know your child’s friends. A good way to learn about your

child’s friends is to drive them to events—talking with them in the

car can reveal a lot. You can also welcome your child’s friends into

your home. Make it a place with food and a comfortable

atmosphere. Having your child’s friends at your home can provide

you with peace of mind and allow you to set the rules of conduct, as

well as help you to gain a better understanding of what they talk

about and what their concerns are. 

★ Get to know the parents of your child’s friends. You don’t have to be

best buddies, but it helps to know if other parents’ attitudes and

approaches to parenting are similar to yours. Former principal Carole

Kennedy explains, “The kid

may seem okay, but you

need to know if someone is

around at the other house to

supervise.” Knowing the

other parent makes it easier

to learn what you need to

know: where your child is

going, who she’s going with,

what time the activity starts

and ends, whether an adult

will be present and how your

child will get to and from the

activity.

★ Provide your child with some unstructured time in a safe place to

hang around with friends. Activities are important, but too many

piano lessons or basketball practices can lead to burnout. Allowing

38 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Spending time with others

may also help your child to

change some behaviors 

that make others

uncomfortable around him.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Monitor friendships to help your child avoid risky and unhealthy

behavior. Young adolescents need supervision, including during the

important after-school hours. Keep tabs on who your child’s friends

are and what they do when they get together. Bill Gangl, a middle

school teacher in Minnesota, suggests, “Don’t be afraid to be the jerk

who makes the phone call to the other house to make sure that

(your child) is there. And don’t be afraid to say no.” 

Many middle school teachers and parents have different opinions as

to whether parents can or should try to stop their children from

seeing a friend that the parents dislike. Some youngsters will rebel if

told they can’t spend time with certain friends. Many adults who

have worked with young teens suggest that you let your child know

that you disapprove of a friendship and why you disapprove. They

also suggest that you limit the amount of time and the activities that

you will allow with the friend.

★ Model good friendships. The example of friendship you provide has a

bigger impact on your child’s friendships than any lecture. Children

who see their parents treat each other and their friends with

kindness and respect have an advantage. Baking cookies for the new

neighbor or offering a listening ear for an unhappy friend sends your

child a powerful message.

41

★ Teach your child how to get out of a bad situation. Talk with your

child about dangerous or inappropriate situations that might arise and

about possible ways to handle them. Ask your 14-year-old daughter

what she would do if a guest arrived at a slumber party with a bottle

of wine in her overnight bag. Ask your 12-year-old son how he

would handle a suggestion from a friend to cut school and head for a

nearby burger place.

Ideally, youngsters themselves can be the ones to say “no” to a

potentially dangerous or destructive situation. But if they haven’t yet

learned this skill, parent Marianne Cavanaugh from Connecticut

suggests an alternative: “Sometimes kids don’t want to do what their

peers want them to do. I tell my kids to blame me—to tell their

friends that their Mom says ‘no.’ This helps get them off the hook.”

Finally, no child going out for an evening should be without change

for a phone call. As a last resort, this may be his lifeline. A cell

phone may also be appropriate if family finances allow one and if

the child knows how to use the phone responsibly. 

40 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Many adults who have worked

with young teens suggest that

you let your child know that you

disapprove of a friendship and

why you disapprove.
Media

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

The problem is that young adolescents

often don’t—or can’t—distinguish

between what’s good in the media and

what’s bad. Some spend hours in front of

the TV or plugged into earphones,

passively taking in what they see and

hear—violence, sex, profanities, stereotyping and story lines and characters

that are unrealistic. We know from research such as that conducted by

George Comstock and Erica Sherrar that seeing too much TV violence

appears to increase aggressive behavior in children and that regular viewing

of violence makes violence less shocking and more acceptable. 

Students who report watching the most TV have lower grades and lower

test scores than do those who watch less TV. “In any classroom discussion

I have, it is very apparent who’s watching [a lot of] television and who’s

not,” explains teacher Sherry Tipps. “For the kids who are not motivated

in the classroom, mention TV and suddenly they perk up.”

As young teens mature, high levels of TV-viewing, video-game playing

and computer use take their toll. On average, American children spend far

more time with the media than they do completing work for school.

Seventh graders, for example, spend an average of 135 minutes each day

watching TV and 57 minutes doing schoolwork. 

Add to these negative psychological and academic effects, negative

physical effects. Recent reports by the U.S. Surgeon General show that the

number of overweight teens in American has increased greatly over the

past two decades. Being overweight, in turn, can contribute to serious

health problems, such as diabetes. 

43

What can I do to keep the media from being a bad influence 

on my child?

It’s hard to understand the world of early adolescents without considering

the huge impact on their lives of the mass media. It competes with

families, friends, schools and communities in its ability to shape young

teens’ interests, attitudes and values.

The mass media infiltrates their lives. Most young adolescents watch TV

and movies, surf the Internet, exchange e-mails, listen to CDs and to radio

stations that target them with music and commercials and read articles

and ads in teen magazines. 

First, look on the bright side. The new media technologies can be fun and

exciting. Used wisely, they can also educate. Good TV programs can

inform, good music can comfort and good movies can expand interests

and unlock mysteries. Additionally, many forms of media are being used

in classrooms today—computers, cable-equipped TVs and VCRs are all

part of the landscape. Indeed, recent years have seen a commitment to

connecting every classroom to the Internet and providing a reasonable

number of computers to

each classroom for student

use. As a result, children

need to be exposed to

media, if only to learn how

to use it.

42 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

On average, American

children spend far more

time with the media than

they do completing work

for school.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

magazines or newspapers or listen to their CDs or to the

radio stations that play their music.

★ You can also watch or listen with your child. This allows

you to spend time with him and to learn more about

the programs, games and music that he likes. Talk with

your child about what you are seeing and hearing. 

★ Suggest TV programs that you want your child to

watch. Encourage your child to watch TV programs

about a variety of subjects—nature, travel, history,

science, biography and news, as well as programs that

entertain. News and history programs, for example, can

encourage conversations about world issues, national

and local politics, social problems and health concerns. 

★ Talk with your child about the difference between facts and points of

view. Young teens need to learn that not everything they hear or see

is true. Let your child know that the TV show or movie he sees, the

radio station or music he listens to and the magazine he reads may

have a definite point of view. Talk with him about how the media

can promote certain ideas or beliefs, which may different from those

of your family. If your child wants to watch, listen to or read

something that you believe is inappropriate, let him know exactly

why you object.

★ Talk with your child about misleading ads. Young adolescents are

especially vulnerable to advertising. Talk with your child about what

ads are for—to sell products—and about how to judge whether the

products the ads sell are right for her. If, for example, your daughter

has short, blond, curly hair, ask her if she really thinks the shampoo

that she wants you to spend $15 for will make her hair look like the

long, black, straight hair on the model in the magazine ad.

45

Negative influences also come from other media. For example, a growing

number of ads in magazines, including some for harmful products such as

alcohol and tobacco, are targeted at young adolescents. 

Your child will benefit from your guidance in helping him to balance

media-related activities with other activities such as reading, talking with

family and spending time with friends. Here are some ways that you can

help your child make good media choices:

★ Limit the amount of time your child spends viewing TV. It’s

impossible to protect your child entirely from the media. Banning TV

entirely may only strengthen its appeal to her. However, some

parents do make TV viewing off-limits during the school week,

except for special programs that are agreed to ahead of time.

Remember, it’s easier to restrict your child’s poor media choices if

you say no before she brings home the objectionable CDs or

computer games or turns on the violent TV programs. Let your child

know that you will monitor her media choices. 

★ Monitor what your child watches and listens to. Former principal

Carole Kennedy advises, “Don’t just listen to how loud the music is,

but to what the words are.” Learn about the TV programs and

movies that your child wants to watch, the

computer games he wants to play and

the music he wants to listen to.

Knowing something about your child’s

interests will let you enter into his

world and talk with more knowledge

and force about his choices. Ask your

young teen what bands or singers he

likes. Then read about his favorites in 

44 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
46 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 47

What is school like for young adolescents?

It is likely that you attended a junior high school. It probably combined

grades seven through nine and resembled a mini-high school. You

probably moved from class to class throughout the school day and had a

different teacher for each subject.

During the past 20 years, many changes have taken place in how young

adolescents are educated. These changes continue as we learn more about

how these children develop and learn. Today, fewer and fewer young

adolescents attend junior highs. Instead, a growing number attend middle

schools. Most of these schools are for grades 6–8, although some may

have grades 5–8, 5–7 or even 7–8. As the middle school movement has

accelerated, many high schools have moved from serving grades 10–12 to

grades 9–12. 

As a parent, you may wonder, “Is one grade structure better than another

for my child? Most educators believe (and research confirms) that the way

a school organizes the grades is not as important as what goes on inside

the school. That is, what gets taught and how it gets taught in a school

matter more than how the

school combines its

grades. Furthermore, the

grade span of a school

doesn’t tell you much

about the quality of the

school and whether its

educational practices are

well suited to young

adolescent students.

★ Consider buying a V-chip for your TV or a filter for your computer. A

V-chip is a computer chip that can detect program ratings—X, R, PG

and so on and so block your child from watching pornographic,

violent or other inappropriate TV channels. Similar chips or filters can

prevent your child from visiting certain Web sites. Many of these can

be obtained for free or for modest costs at your local electronics store.

★ Talk with your child about the risks of visiting computer chat rooms.

Let your child know the dangers of “talking” online with strangers.

There is software that can restrict children from chat rooms, even as

they allow access to other content.

★ Talk with other parents. Discussing movies, TV shows, computer

games and CDs with the parents of your child’s friends and

classmates can give you more strength to say no when she wants to

see or hear something that think is inappropriate. You also can

quickly find out that not everyone in the seventh grade is going to be

allowed to see the latest R-rated movie in which bloody bodies are

strewn across the screen. 

★ Provide alternatives to media entertainment. According to teacher

Bill Gangl, “If you give the kids enough activities, the TV goes away.”

Given the opportunity, many children would rather do than watch. A

day at a miniature golf course or a visit with a friend may hold more

appeal for your child than watching TV. 

★ Model alternative forms of entertainment. A young teen whose

parent is constantly in front of the TV or checking her e-mail over a

quick dinner is being sent a definite message. Parents who turn off

the TV or computer and engage in conversation, sports, games or

other activities are showing alternatives to their children. An

adolescent today may well wonder “what did you do before TV (or

computers or video games)?” Show them!

The Middle Grades
48 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Young teens generally benefit from being exposed to a broad range of

experiences and programs—academic, recreational and vocational. These

opportunities take advantage of their natural curiosity and can be

invaluable in familiarizing them with new worlds and possibilities. These

exploratory programs can also be fun. For these reasons, some schools

provide opportunities both in and out of school for students to participate

in sports, as well as in programs to learn subjects that range from foreign

languages, to music, to drama, to technology. Many schools also

encourage students to participate in volunteer or community service

projects. Exploratory programs can help young teens figure out where

they fit in and allow them to think about their future plans.

There’s still plenty of room for

improvement in middle schools. Test

scores suggest that many young teens

lack the skills needed for high school

success. On international comparisons

they aren’t scoring as well as we would

like in areas such as reading and math. 

More educators and policymakers are

becoming aware of the high levels to which young teens can achieve. This

awareness is leading to still more change in middle-grades education: in

what gets taught, how it is taught, how teachers are prepared and how to

assess what students know and can do. 

49

Most young teens entering a new school find that it’s a big change.

They’re used to being the oldest; once again they’re the youngest. Many

classmates are new, as are the routines and the school work. Coming at a

time when young teens are undergoing many other stressful changes, the

move to a new school can be overwhelming and have a negative impact

on motivation and self-esteem.

Because of this, many middle

schools have programs to ease the

transition. For example, they

might invite elementary school

students to visit the middle school

to become familiar with the

building, lockers and changing

classrooms. Or, administrators of

the middle and elementary

schools might meet to discuss

programs. School counselors might

meet to talk about how to help students

make a smooth transition. These and other

practices can help make the new school seem friendlier.

Hormones may be fluctuating, but young teens of all backgrounds and

with a broad range of personal characteristics still absorb vast amounts of

information. They also can benefit from a strong curriculum. As young

adolescents develop their cognitive skills, they are able to complete longer

and more involved projects and to explore subjects in more depth.

Exploratory programs 

can help young teens 

figure out where they fit

in and allow them to think

about their future plans.
Parent Involvement

What’s the best way for me to stay involved in my child’s school

activities?

Your young teen needs you in her life more than she may admit (to you

or to herself)—although she may want you present under different terms

and conditions than she did previously. Some parents misread the signals

that their children send and back off too soon. For example, for children

at age nine, about 75 percent of American parents report high or

moderate involvement in school-related activities, but when children

reach age 14, the rate of parent involvement has dropped to 55 percent.

The rate continues to drop throughout high school.

Research shows that adolescents do better in school when their parents

are involved in their lives and that education works best when teachers

and parents work closely with one another. Here are some tips for staying

involved in your child’s school life:

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Set ground rules for your child at the beginning of the school year.

From the first day of school, make certain that your child knows

what time he is expected to go to bed and get up, what he needs to

do to get ready for school each morning and what time he needs to

leave the house for school. Check that he knows his curfew both on

weekdays and on the weekend. Make sure, too, that your child

knows that he is expected to try hard and do his best in school.

★ Learn about your child’s school. The more you know, the easier your

job as parent will be. Ask for a school handbook. This will answer

many questions that will arise over the year. If your school doesn’t

have a handbook, ask questions. Ask the principal and teachers, for

example: What classes does the school offer? Which classes are

required? What are your expectations for my child? How does the

school measure student progress? What are the school’s rules and

regulations? 

★ Find out about the school’s homework policy. Knowing school

policies for homework is important because by the middle grades,

homework generally plays a bigger role in your child’s grades and

test scores than it did in elementary school. Find out from teachers

how often they will assign

homework and about how

long it may take to complete.

Do not do homework for your

child. However, make sure

that he tries his best to

complete assignments. 

50 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 51

For more information on

homework, see the U.S.

Department of Education

booklet Helping Your Child with

Homework, listed in the

Resources section, page 77.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

— Help your child get started when he has to do research reports or

other big assignments, perhaps by taking him to the library or

helping him find sources of online information from appropriate Web sites. 

— Help your child to avoid last-minute cramming by working out a

schedule of what he needs to do to prepare for the test. 

— Work alongside your child to clean out his backpack or clean up

his room.

★ Provide an environment at home that encourages learning and

school activities. Provide a quiet time without TV and other distractions when homework assignments can be completed. If you live in a

small or noisy household, try having all family members take part in

a quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a

noisy toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions

can’t be avoided, you may want to let your child complete assignments in the local library.

Let your child know that you value education. Show him that the

skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as

an adult. Let him see you reading books, newspapers and computer

screens; writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to

balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; and doing

things that require thought and effort. Tell your child about what

you do at work.

53

★ Help your child get

organized. Many young

teens are easily distracted. With so much to do and

think about, it’s not

surprising. The amount of

their school work and their

extracurricular activities

often increases at the same

time that they are going

through a growth spurt,

developing new 

relationships and trying to develop more independence. Young teens

respond to these changes in varying ways, but many of them

daydream, forget things, lose things and seem unaware of time. It’s

not unusual for a middle schooler to complete a homework

assignment but forget to turn it in. Some schools help students

develop organizational skills. Others leave the task to you. Whatever

the case, you can:

— Go over your child’s schedule together to see if she’s got too

much going on at once. Talk with her about setting priorities and

dropping certain activities if necessary or rearranging the time of

some of them.

— Help her learn good study habits. Set a regular time for her to do

homework. Talk about the assignments. Make sure she understands

what she’s supposed to do. Make sure she has a calendar on which

to record assignments, as well as a backpack and homework folders

in which to tuck assignments for safekeeping. 

52 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Show him that the skills he 

is learning are an important

part of the things he will do 

as an adult.
★ Keep in touch with the school and your child’s teachers. Keeping in

touch can be tricky when your child has many teachers, but at the

very least it’s good to know your child’s counselor and a favorite

teacher. The more visible you are, the more educators will be able to

communicate openly and regularly with you. Attend parent-teacher

conferences. Read school bulletins when they are sent home.

★ Make sure your child takes classes that are needed to attend college.

Middle school or junior high is by no means too early to plan for your

child’s future. A two- or four-year college degree is becoming more

and more important for finding a good job. Colleges want students

and employers want workers who have taken certain courses and

acquired a solid base of skills and knowledge. Good courses for

college-bound students include English, science (biology, chemistry,

earth science and physics), history or geography, as well as algebra

and geometry. Many colleges also require applicants to study a foreign

language for at least two years and some prefer three or four years of

one language. Basic computer skills are also essential and many

colleges view participation in the arts and music as valuable. 

★ Monitor how well your child is doing in school. Report cards are one

indication of how well your child is doing in school. But you also

need to know how things are going between report cards. For

example, if your son is having trouble in math, find out when he has

his next math test and when it will be returned to him. This allows

you to address a problem before it mushrooms into something bigger.

Call or e-mail the teacher if your

son doesn’t understand an

assignment or if he needs extra

help to complete an assignment. 

★ Attend school events. Go to

sports events and concerts,

attend back-to-school night,

PTA meetings and awards

events, such as a “perfect

attendance” breakfast.

Remember, though, that many

young teens are often selfconscious and want parents to

be present but in the

background. “They want you

there, but they want you at

more of a distance,” explains

teacher Bill Gangl. “They want

to look out of the corner of their eye and see you there. On the

track, they want to peek up into the stands to make sure somebody

is watching them.” Look for school activities that you can do with

your child—cleaning up the school grounds, for example. 

★

Volunteer in your child’s school. If your schedule permits, look for

ways to help out at your child’s school. Schools often send home lists

of ways in which parents can get involved. Chaperones are needed

for school trips or dances. School committees need members and the

school newsletter may need an editor. The school may have councils

or advisory committees that need parent representatives. If work or

other commitments make it impossible for you to volunteer in the

school, look for ways to help at home. For example, you can make

phone calls to other parents to tell them about school-related

activities or maybe help translate a school newsletter from English

into another language.

54 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

The more visible you are, the

more educators will be able

to communicate openly and

regularly with you.

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 55
Reading

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Be a positive role model for

reading. Let your child see you

reading for pleasure as well as for

performing your routine activities

as an adult—reading letters and

recipes, directions and instructions,

newspapers, computer screens and

so forth. Go with her to the library

and check out books for yourself.

When your child sees that reading

is important to you, she may decide

that it’s important to her, too. 

★ Find out from your child’s teachers

how they encourage or teach reading. Make it clear that you value

reading and that you support homework assignments that require

your child to read. Ask for lists of books for your child to read

independently at home. 

★ Find out how to help your child if his first language is not English.

When your child first enters middle school, talk with her teachers.

Most teachers welcome such talks. If you feel that you need some

support in meeting with teachers, ask a relative, neighbor or

someone else in your community to go with you. When you meet,

tell the teachers the things that you are doing at home to strengthen

your child’s reading. Children who can switch back and forth

between languages have accomplished something special. They

should be praised and encouraged as they work for this achievement. 

57

How can I help my child to be a successful reader?

It’s during the middle grades that young adolescents build the foundation

for lifelong reading habits. They develop their own reading interests and

learn to read different kinds of text—informational articles and books,

poetry and plays, as well as stories and novels. They increase their

vocabularies by reading widely and they begin to use reading to help

answer important questions about themselves and the world. 

On the other hand, for many young adolescents, reading difficulties go

hand-in-hand with social and emotional problems.

It is important for you to keep your child reading through the

adolescent years, both at school and at home. Here are some suggestions

that can help: 

★ Make sure your home has lots of reading materials that are

appropriate for your child. Reading materials don’t have to be new

or expensive. You often can find good books and magazines for your

child at yard or library sales. Ask family members and friends to

consider giving your child books and magazine subscriptions as gifts

for birthdays or other special occasions. Set aside quiet time for

family reading. Some families even enjoy reading aloud to each

other, with each family member choosing a book, story, poem or

article to read to the others.

★ Encourage your child to use the library. Take your child to the local

library and help him get his own library card. Ask librarians to help

him locate different areas in the library, use the card catalogue or

computer system and find materials in which he is interested. 

56 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Motivation

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

How can I keep my child motivated to learn and do well, both in

and out of school?

Psychologist Carol Dweck defines motivation as “the love of learning, the

love of challenge.” And, according to her, motivation is often more

important than initial ability in determining our success.

Yet somewhere in the middle grades the motivation of some young

adolescents for learning takes a nosedive. A young teen may begin to

grumble about assignments and teachers, ask to drop out of a favorite

activity, complain that he’s bored or show signs of being lost in the

educational shuffle. 

Here are some the things that can contribute to low motivation:

★ Biological changes. The onset of puberty—getting her period or being

4 feet 2 inches tall when your buddy is 5 feet 10 inches—distracts

some teens. Distractions make it hard to think about the swim team

or the social studies project that’s due.

★ Emotional concerns. It may take extra effort to

concentrate on a science project when she is

preoccupied with physical insecurities or concerned

about being excluded

from a special group.

★ Get help for your child if she has a reading problem. When a child

is having reading difficulties, the reason might be simple to

understand and deal with. For example, your child might have

trouble seeing and need glasses or she may just need more help

with reading skills. If you think that your child needs extra help,

ask teachers about special services, such as after-school or summer

reading programs. Also ask teachers or your local librarian for

names of community organizations and local literacy volunteer

groups that offer tutoring services.

Some causes for reading difficulties signal larger problems, perhaps a

learning disability. If you think your child may have some kind of

physical or learning problem, it is important to get expert help

quickly. (See the Problems section, page 68.) Ask for a private

meeting with her counselor, a teacher or the principal. (You may feel

more comfortable taking a friend, relative or someone else in your

community with you.)

There is a law—the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act

(IDEA)—that may allow you to get certain services for your child

from your school district. Your child might qualify to receive help

from a reading specialist, a speech

and language therapist or other

specialist. You can learn about your

special education rights and responsibilities by requesting that the school

give you—in your first language—a

summary of legal rights. 

58 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Ask teachers or your local

librarian for names of

community organizations and

local literacy volunteer groups

that offer tutoring services.

59
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Undeveloped work ethic. Some unmotivated youngsters may not

have learned that school success takes time and effort. Many attractions compete for students’ attention and, according to some

research, some students expect school and activities to be consistently exciting. They aren’t aware of the fact that both in school and

daily life, they can learn valuable lessons from activities that aren’t

always fun and that achievement usually requires real effort. You

can encourage and provide opportunities for your child, but

ultimately your son is responsible for seeing that his homework gets

done and your daughter must be the one to practice the piano.

Here are ways to encourage your child’s motivation:

★ Be a good role model. Young teens benefit from seeing their parents

putting forth their best effort, completing work and meeting obligations.

Parents need to demonstrate that they value learning and hard work.

★ Let your child know that sustained effort over time is the key to

achievement. Teach him to set high goals and to work hard to

achieve them. Help him to

see the value of tackling

challenges and of finding

ways to meet or exceed

those challenges.

★ Steer your child toward

appropriate classes and

suitable activities. Young

teens need opportunities to

excel and be useful.

Success can be a powerful

61

★ The school environment. A young teen may lose motivation after

moving from elementary school to a middle school or junior high.

The loss of motivation can be fueled by insufficient support in the

new school or by an increased workload and expectations to which

the student hasn’t yet adjusted.

★ Social and peer pressures. A child may be influenced by friends

who believe that academic success isn’t “cool,” or that girls aren’t

good at math. 

★ A shift in how your child views his ability. Younger children tend to

believe that the harder you try, the smarter you’ll get. But Dr.

Dweck notes that as children move into their early teens, they may

begin to believe that ability is fixed and to compare their ability with

that of others—the harder you have to try, the less able you must be.

This view can dampen motivation. Why try hard if it won’t help you

to do well? 

★ Lack of opportunities. Some youngsters lack opportunities to take

the classes or participate in the activities that they need to spark

their enthusiasm. This is most likely with students from disadvantaged families or who are at risk, contributing to perceptions that

they are unmotivated. 

★ Short attention spans. Some

educators report that it’s hard to

get students to focus on a long

history project when they’re used

to TV programs and media presentations that are fast, short and

entertaining.

60 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

The loss of motivation can be 

fueled by insufficient support

in the new school or by an

increased workload and

expectations to which the

student hasn’t yet adjusted.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

to show persistence. Call, write or e-mail teachers if you think that

many assignments are inappropriate or if your child is unable to

complete them successfully. Take the lead if your child is placed in

classes that you think are poor in content or that fail to provide

your child with sufficient stimulation.

★ Hold realistic expectations. It’s important to hold children to high

standards. But when young teens are asked to do the impossible,

they may stop trying. Don’t pressure your 5-foot 4-inch son to try

out for center on his basketball team just because he played center

for his elementary school team. Instead, reassure him that, in time,

he’ll grow taller and help him to look for other activities in the

meantime. Holding realistic expectations also requires that you

consider your child’s personality and temperament. Your 6-foot son

may not enjoy playing basketball. Make sure that your child

knows, deep in his heart, that you love him for what he is and not

for what he does.

★ Be patient. Children’s motivation generally improves when parents

take the steps discussed. However, patience may be required: Many

young teens need the gift of time to develop the maturity that allows

them to complete homework assignments and chores with a

minimum of supervision. 

63

motivator and boredom may be a sign that your child hasn’t

enough opportunities to develop her talents. She may need an

advanced English class, an art class or the chance to volunteer at a

homeless shelter.

★ Offer support. Insincere praise or praise for poor

efforts is no help, but young teens need to be

reassured that they can do something.

“Sometimes kids will say they are bored, but it’s

because they haven’t done [an activity]

before,” advises teacher Barbara Braithwaite.

Your child may need hints about how to

get started with a new project from you,

another adult, an instructor or a book.

★ Find strengths and build on them.

Every child can shine in some area.

Identify what your child does best,

no matter what it is.

★ Communicate with your

child’s teachers, counselors or

school principal when

necessary. A drop in grades is

not uncommon when students go

from one grade level to another. But

if your child’s grade drop is extreme or if it persists for more than

one marking period, get in touch with someone at the school. It’s

OK to be a strong but respectful advocate for your child. Because

middle-grades teachers may have very full schedules, you may need

62 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Make sure that your child

knows, deep in his heart, that

you love him for what he is and

not for what he does.
Values

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Many of the major threats to our children today are not a matter of

chance, but are a matter of choice—choices like drinking and driving,

smoking, drugs, sex, and dropping out of school.

The research tells us that young people who engage in one risky behavior

are more likely to participate in others, so parents should help their

children understand the potential risks and consequences of their choices

—not just for the immediate future but for their lifetime as well.

Fortunately, most children share the values of their parents about the

most important things. Your priorities and principles and your example of

good behavior can teach young teens to take the high road when other

roads look tempting. Here are some ways that you can help your child to

develop good values:

★ If you stick with a challenging job, your child will be more inclined

to finish homework and chores.

★ When you say “no” to alcohol before heading out on the highway,

your child takes note.

★ When you accept a loss on the basketball court graciously, your child

can learn that winning isn’t everything.

★ If your child sees his parents treat each other with respect, he is

more likely to follow this example in dating and into marriage. 

65

What can I do to help my child to develop good values and to

learn right from wrong?

We want our children to develop respect and compassion for others. We

want them to be honest, decent and thoughtful—to stand up for their

principles, to cooperate with others and to act responsibly. We want

them to make sound moral choices. The payoffs for encouraging a child’s

values are enormous: those who grow up with strong, consistent and

positive values are happier,

do better in school and are

more likely to contribute to

society.

Talk to your children about

good values and why they

matter. Just as children

need to be guided academically, so too must they be

educated in the values of a

civil society—values like

love your neighbor; give

an honest day’s work for

an honest day’s wages; tell the truth and be honest; respect others,

respect their property and respect their opinions; and take responsibility

for your decisions.

In word and deed, parents play an important role in helping their children

develop a good sense of right from wrong and good from bad.

64 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Your priorities and principles

and your example of good

behavior can teach young teens

to take the high road when

other roads look tempting.
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Giving your child an allowance is one good way to help her understand

the value of money. But you must decide how much the allowance will

be, taking into account your resources, your child’s age and what

expenses the allowance will cover (lunches, clothes, church donations,

entertainment or whatever). An allowance can help your young teen

learn how to save and how to use money wisely. 

Naturally, parents want to disclose information and provide guidance that

is consistent with their values and religious beliefs. We know from child

development experts that parents are often better at providing

information about the facts of life than they are at talking about what

matters more: their values concerning sexuality. To make good decisions,

young teens need to have accurate information about “the birds and the

bees” that takes into consideration strong values. 

Parents often find it easier to teach their children values when they rely

on their friends and other parents for support and guidance. Many parents

also draw support from their churches, synagogues, mosques or other

religious institutions.

At some point in their adolescent-rearing

efforts, many parents find themselves

disappointed and frustrated. (“I can’t believe

my kid did something so dumb and

insensitive. What did I do wrong?”)

Generally, there is no reason to panic if your

child sometimes behaves in a way that differs from your standards—as

long as he doesn’t do it regularly. Bad behavior needs to be recognized

and dealt with. But we would all do well to remember our own adolescence—most of us turned out OK.

67

★ When your daughter senses that

her parents appreciate people of

all colors and creeds, she is likely

to become more open to friends

of all races and backgrounds. 

★ When you tell a sales clerk that

she gave you change for a tendollar bill and not a five, your

child sees honesty in action.

★ When your child see his parents

make tough choices—“We’re buying a used car so that we can save

more money for a vacation”—he picks up the cues. 

★ If you accept disappointments as a part of life—if you pick yourself

up and keep going—your child stands a better chance of becoming a

survivor.

★ If you can laugh at your own mistakes, your child is more likely to

accept his own imperfections.

★ When you volunteer at a food kitchen, your child will be more likely

to have compassion for others who are less fortunate.

The way that you view money and material goods can also mold your

child’s attitudes. If you see your self-worth and the worth of others in

terms of cars, homes, furniture, nice clothes and other possessions, your

child is more likely to develop these attitudes as well. It is equally

important to meet your child’s needs but to guide him to set them apart

from his wants. The expensive leather jacket that he has to have may be

OK—if you can afford it. 

66 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

An allowance can help

your young teen learn

how to save and how to

use money wisely.
Problems

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Don’t assume that being “at-risk” automatically means trouble for a child.

Some young teens with many risk factors avoid major problems. And

some with few risk factors stumble.

We know that certain things increase the chances that children will

avoid major problems. Having warm, supportive parents who also draw

clear rules and monitor sufficiently is key. In addition, a child with an

easy-going temperament, good social skills and a sense of humor is

generally able to deal with problems. A child who attends school and

lives in neighborhood that provides many supports is also, on average,

more able to bounce back form trouble. These supports include people

who take a special interest in them—for example, teachers, coaches or

neighbors.

This booklet is unable to address in detail all problems that young teen face.

However, it is important to recognize the warning signs for some major

problems and the Resources section lists materials organizations, Web sites

and hotlines that can provide you with further direction and help.

One warning: You may have to address more than one problem at the

same time, because serious problems likely appear together in one child: a

12-year-old with an eating disorder may also be depressed and a 14-yearold who uses marijuana also may be sexually active.

69

How can I tell—and what can I do—if my child is having a serious

problem?

Most youngsters from 10 through 14 are not as troubled as their

stereotype suggests. They manage the bumps of adolescence successfully. Still, you need to be on guard. According to one study, 28

percent of America’s eighth-graders have experimented with drugs,

although a much smaller percentage go on to develop serious drug

problems. Some young teens develop eating disorders. Others suffer

from depression and other emotional problems. In some cases,

emotional problems are linked to learning disabilities that have not

been diagnosed or treated.

Some factors that can place a young teen at greater risk for developing

problems include:

★ growing up in poverty;

★ living in a single-parent home;

★ being male;

★ growing up in a neighborhood with few social supports;

★ lacking adequate adult supervision;

★ having poor relationships with their parents or other adults who are

important to them;

★ possessing low self-esteem; 

★ attending poor-quality schools; or

★ experiencing physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect.

68 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

You may have to address more than

one problem at the same time,

because serious problems likely

appear together in one child.
For more information about how to spot

and what to do about drug and alcohol use,

see the U.S. Department of Education’s

publication Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parent’s

Guide to Prevention, listed in the Resources

section, page 77.

Alcohol or Drug Use

Because early adolescence can be a confusing and stressful time for

children, it is not surprising that this is the time when many of them first

try alcohol, tobacco and other drugs.

Because mood swings and unpredictable behavior are common among

young teens, parents often find it hard to spot signs of alcohol and drug

abuse. If your child starts to show some of the following signs, drugs or

alcohol may be at the heart of the problem - 

★ He’s withdrawn, depressed, tired and careless about personal

grooming.

★ She’s hostile and uncooperative and often breaks curfews.

★ He has new friends (and may not want to talk about them).

★ She doesn’t want to tell you where she is going and what she is

going to do.

★ His grades slip.

★ She’s lost interest in hobbies, sports and other activities that were

once favorites.

★ His eating or sleeping patterns have changed; he’s

up late at night and sleeps

during the day.

★ Her relationship with family

members has worsened and

she refuses to discuss

school, activities, friends or

other important subjects.

70 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ He has trouble concentrating and seems forgetful.

★ Her eyes are red-rimmed and/or her nose is runny when she doesn’t

have a cold.

★ Household money keeps disappearing. 

Eating Disorders

Eating orders usually occur in females. Eating disorders in males are

usually associated with athletics, especially wrestling. 

The most common eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia.

Anorexia is an emotional disorder that can be signaled by severe weight

loss or failure to gain weight. About 90 percent of the people who have

this disorder are females. Studies suggest that one in 250 young women

may suffer from anorexia, with symptoms most often first appearing in

early to middle adolescence. Bulimia can be signaled by episodes of binge

eating followed by self-induced vomiting, fasting or strenuous exercise.

Bulimia tends to develop among older adolescents, many of whom have

also been anorexic.

71
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence 73

Many physical disorders are associated with eating disorders, such as

kidney problems, irregular heart rhythms, irritation and tears in the

esophagus, dizziness or fainting and stomach and intestinal problems. The

death rate is from 5 to 15 percent, but it is lower if sufferers receive

treatment.

Take your worries to an expert if your child:

★ loses a large amount of weight for no medical reason;

★ reduces the amount of food she eats and/or stops eating high

carbohydrate and fatty foods;

★ exercises excessively despite weakness and fatigue;

★ possesses an intense fear of gaining weight;

★ stops menstruating;

★ binges on foods that are high in calories; or

★ tries to control her weight by vomiting or using laxatives or

diuretics.

Depression and Suicide

An increase in suicides among young adolescents makes it vital for

parents to recognize the causes and symptoms. Many factors can

contribute to serious depression that can lead to suicide. If a parent suffers

from extreme depression, a child is more likely to experience it, too. But

situations such as broken or unhappy families, the loss of parent through

divorce or death, sexual abuse or drug or alcohol abuse may also

72 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

contribute to depression. Other stressful situations may also play a role:

for example, losing a relative, being ignored by friends or serious concerns

about sexuality.

Some warning signs of depression and possible suicidal tendencies

include:

★ Change in sleeping patterns (either sleeping too much or too little);

★ Change in behavior (can’t concentrate on school, work or routine

tasks, slipping grades);

★ Change in personality (seems sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious,

tired, indecisive, apathetic);

★ Change in eating habits (loss of appetite and weight or overeating);

★ Physical changes, (including a lack of energy, sudden weight gain or

loss, lack of interest in appearance);

★ A major loss or life change (through death, divorce, separation,

broken relationship);

★ Decreased interest in friends, school or activities;

★ Low self-esteem (feeling worthless,

overwhelming guilt, self-hatred);

★ No hope for the future (believes

things will never get better,

that nothing will

ever change);
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

★ Often reverses letters in writing, such as writing felt for left.

★ Has trouble learning spelling strategies, such as using information

from prefixes, suffixes and root words.

★ Avoids reading aloud.

★ Avoids writing compositions.

★ Has trouble with handwriting or avoids it altogether.

★ Grips a pencil awkwardly.

★ Has trouble recalling facts.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or ADHD (which includes hyperactivity),

is not a learning disability, although about one fifth of ADD students have

learning disabilities. These students are extremely easily distracted and

have a hard time staying focused.

If you believe your young teen has a learning disability, talk to your

pediatrician, your child’s teachers and the school counselor, who can

guide you to a proper evaluation. By law, children with learning disabilities are entitled to their own learning curriculum called an Individualized

Education Program (IEP). 

75

★ Preoccupation with music, art and personal writing about death;

★ Giving away prized possessions and otherwise “getting affairs in

order;” and

★ Direct suicide threats or comments such as, “I wish I was dead!” “My

family would be better off without me.” or “I don’t have anything to

live for.” These threats should always be taken seriously.

Learning Disabilities

The National Institutes of Health estimate that 15 percent of the U.S.

population has some type of learning disability (LD). Learning-disabled

students have a neurological disorder that creates difficulty in how they

store, use or produce information. They are as intelligent as anyone else

and they often do very well in art, music or sports. But a gap may exist

between their ability and their performance and they may have trouble

with reading, writing, speaking or mathematics, as well as with social

relationships. Most often, learning-disabled

students must work harder to make up for their

learning problems. This can leave them open

to depression and cause a lack of confidence,

particularly if the disability goes untreated.

Look for these warning signs of learning

disabilities. One or two of these signs in

your child is not reason for concern,

but the presence of several can signal

the need for help:

74 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Most often, learning-disabled

students must work harder

to make up for their learning

problems.
Conclusion Resources

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Publications of Interest to Parents of Early Adolescents

Adderholdt-Elliot, Miriam and Goldberg, Jan. (1999). Perfectionism: What’s

Bad about Being Too Good (rev. ed.). Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit

Publishing.

Bates Ames, Louise. (1989). Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old. New York:

Delacorte Press.

Benson, Peter, Galbraith, Judy and Espeland, Pamela. (1998). What Kids

Need to Succeed: Proven, Practical Ways to Raise Good Kids (rev. ed.).

Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Children Now. (2000). Talking with Kids about Violence. Available online at

www.talkingwithkids.org/violence.html.

Eyre, Linda and Eyre, Richard. (1993). Teaching Your Children Values. New

York: Simon & Schuster.

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. (1998). Sibling without Rivalry. New York:

Avon Books.

Fenwick, Elizabeth and Smith, Tony. (1996). Adolescence: The Survival Guide

for Parents and Teenagers. New York: DK Publishing.

Freeman, Carol Goldberg. (1996). Living with a Work in Progress: A Parents’

Guide to Surviving Adolescence. Columbus, OH: National Middle School

Association.

77

No one can guarantee that young adolescents will grow into responsible

and competent adults. Your influence on your young teen, however, is

enormous. Yes, on a bad day the smelly sneakers and mood swings may

push you to your limits. But it is critical to remain involved. It’s when you

are ready to throw up your hands in frustration that you most need to

hang in.

Learning as much as you can about the world of early adolescents is an

important step toward helping your child—and you—through the

fascinating, confusing and wonderful years from 10 through 14. As

middle school teacher Emily Hutchison from Texas puts it, early adolescence is “never dull, never boring.” Stay tuned to the life of your young

teen and enjoy this special time.

76 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Rich, Dorothy. (1992). Megaskills: How Families Can Help Children Succeed in

School and Beyond (rev. ed.). Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Schaefer, Charles E. and DiGeronimo, Theresa Foy. (1999). How to Talk to

Teens about Really Important Things: Specific Questions and Answers and Useful

Things to Say. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Seligman, Martin. (1991). Learned Optimism. New York: Pocket Books.

Seligman, Martin, Reivich, Karen, Jaycox, Lisa and Gilham, Jane. (1996).

The Optimistic Child. New York: HarperPerennial Library.

Steinberg, Laurence. (1997). You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for

Ages 10 to 20. New York: HarperCollins. 

Tracy, Louise Felton. (1994). Grounded for Life? Stop Blowing Your Fuse and

Start Communicating with Your Teenager. Seattle, WA: Parenting Press.

U.S. Department of Education. (1994). Growing Up Drug Free: A Parent’s

Guide to Prevention. Washington, DC. Available online at

www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/.

U.S. Department of Education. (2002). Helping Your Child with Homework.

Washington, DC. Available online at www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/.

Walsh, David A. (2001). Dr. Dave’s Cyberhood: Making Media Choices that

Create a Healthy Electronic Environment for Your Kids. New York: Simon &

Schuster. 

79

Giannetti, Carlene C. and Sagarese, Margaret. (1999). Parenting 911: How

to Safeguard and Rescue Your 10- to 15-Year-Old from Substance Abuse,

Depression, Sexual Encounters, Violence, Failure in School, Danger on the Internet

& Other Risky Situations. New York: Broadway Books. 

Giannetti, Carlene C. and Sagarese, Margaret. (1997). The Roller-Coaster

Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School

Years. New York: Broadway Books.

International Reading Association. (1999). Books Are Cool! Keeping Your

Middle School Student Reading. Newark, DE.

International Reading Association. (1999). Parents, Teens and Reading: A

Winning Combination. Newark, DE.

Koplewicz, Harold. (1996). It’s Nobody’s Fault—New Hope and Help for

Difficult Children and Their Parents. New York: Time Books.

Lickona, Thomas. (1994). Raising Good Children. New York: Bantam.

McMahon, Tom. (1996). Teen Tips—A Practical Guide for Parents with Kids 11

to 19. New York: Pocket Books.

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and National

Institutes of Health. (2002). Adventures in Parenting: How Responding,

Preventing, Monitoring, Mentoring and Modeling Can Help You Be a Successful

Parent. Washington, DC. Available online at www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/parenting/

78 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Bibliography

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Harter, Susan. (1999). The Construction of Self. New York: Guilford Press.

Haugaard, Jeffrey J. (2000). Problematic Behaviors during Adolescence. New

York: McGraw-Hill.

Healy, Jane M. (1990). Endangered Minds. New York: Touchstone Books.

Keefe, Keunho and Berndt, Thomas. (1996). Relations of Friendship

Quality to Self-Esteem in Early Adolescence. Journal of Early Adolescence,

16, 110–129.

Kipke, Michele D. (Ed.). (1999). Risks and Opportunities: Synthesis of Studies

on Adolescence. Report of the Governing Board of the National Research

Council. Washington, DC.

Lewis, Anne C. (1999). Figuring It Out: Standards-Based Reforms in Urban

Middle Schools. New York: The Edna McConnell Clark Foundation.

Loucks, Hazel E. and Waggoner, Jan E. (1998). Keys to Reengaging Families

in the Education of Young Adolescents. Columbus, OH: National Middle School

Association.

National Middle School Association. (1995). The Developmentally Responsive

Middle School: This We Believe. Columbus, OH.

National Educational Research Policy and Priorities Board. (July 24–25,

2000). Papers and proceedings from the National Conference on Curriculum,

Instruction and Assessment in the Middle Grades: Linking Research and Practice.

Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Education. 

81

In addition to those listed above, the following publications were used in

preparing this booklet:

Baumrind, Diana. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority.

Developmental Psychology Monograph, Part 2, 4, 1–103.

Berndt, Thomas and Keefe, Keunho (1995). Friends’ Influence on

Adolescents’ Adjustment to School. Child Development, 66, 1312–1329.

Comstock, George and Sherrar, Erica. (1999) Television: What’s on, Who’s

Watching and What Does It Mean? Burlington, MA: Academic Press.

Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development. (2000). Turning Points 2000:

Educating Adolescents in the 21st Century. Washington, DC.

Dauber, Susan L. and Epstein, Joyce L. (1993). Parents’ Attitudes and

Practices of Involvement in Inner-City Elementary and Middle Schools. In

N. F. Chavkin (Ed.), Families and Schools in a Pluralistic Society. Albany: State

University of New York Press.

Dweck, Carol S. (2000). Self-Theories: Their Role in Motivation, Personality and

Development. Levittown, PA: Psychology Press.

Epstein, Joyce L. (2001). School, Family and Community Partnerships.

Boulder, CO: Westview Press.

Grotevant, Harold D. (1998). Adolescent Development in Family

Contexts. In W. Damon (Series Editor) & N. Eisenberg (Volume Editor),

Handbook of Child Psychology: Vol. 3: Social, Emotional and Personality

Development (5th ed.). New York: John Wiley & Sons. 

80 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities

P.O. Box 1492

Washington, DC 20013–1492

Toll Free: 1–800–695–0285 (voice & TTY)

http://www.nichcy.org

Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services

U.S. Department of Education

400 Maryland Ave., SW

Washington, DC 20202

202–205–5465 

http://www.ed.gov/offices/OSERS/

Private Organizations

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters

1600 Corporate Landing Parkway

Virginia Beach, VA 23454–5617. 

Toll free: 888–425–2666 (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.)

www.al-anon.alateen.org.

American Anorexia/Bulimia Association

165 West 46th Street, Suite 1108

New York, NY 10036

212–575–6200

83

Urdan, T. and Klein, S. (1998). Early Adolescence: A Review of the Literature.

Paper prepared for the U.S. Department of Education, Office of

Educational Research and Improvement. Washington, DC. Unpublished.

U.S. Department of Education. (1999). Conference on Early Adolescence—

Papers and Final Report. Washington, DC.

Organizations and Web Sites That Provide

Information for Parents of Young Adolescents

Federal Offices or Federally Funded Agencies and Clearinghouses

No Child Left Behind 

Parents Tool Box

U.S. Department of Education

Toll Free: 1–888–814–NCLB

http://www.nochildleftbehind.gov/parents/index.html

ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education

1920 Association Drive

Reston, VA 22091

Toll Free: 1–800–328–0272

http://www.ericec.org/

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development

Clearinghouse

Toll Free: 1–800–370–2943

http://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/publications.htm

82 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

National Runaway Switchboard

Toll free: 800–621–4000(operated 24 hours a day for runaway and

homeless youth and their families)

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency

12 West 21st Street, 7th Floor

New York, NY 10017

212–206–6770 or toll free: 800–NCA–CALL

National Middle School Association

2600 Corporate Exchange Drive, Suite 370

Columbus, Ohio 43231–1672

Toll free: 800–528–NMSA

http://www.nmsa.org 

85

Learning Disabilities Association of America

4156 Library Road

Pittsburgh, PA 15234

412–341–1515 or 412–341–8077

www.ldanatl.org

Middle Web

www.middleweb.com

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

PO Box 7

Highland Park, IL 60035

847–831–3438

National Black Child Development Institute

463 Rhode Island Ave., NW

Washington, DC 20005 

Toll free: 800–556–2234

National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information

P.O. Box 2345

Rockville, MD 20847–2345

Toll free: 800–729–6686 (24 hours a day)

www.health.org

Center for Missing and Exploited Children

Toll free: 800–843–5678.

84 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
Tips to Help Your Child through Early Adolescence

Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

1. Learn as much as you can about early adolescence. Good

information can help you make good decisions. Find out what

changes you can expect during these years. Learn about what goes

on in your child’s school.

2. Stay involved in your child’s life, both inside and outside of school. A

positive relationship with a parent or other adult is the best

safeguard your child has as he grows and explores. Find new and

different ways to stay involved that work well with your child.

3. Provide both unconditional love and appropriate limits to help your

child thrive and feel safe.

4. Talk with your child often about what’s most important to her.

Include the tough and sensitive subjects. Listen to what she has to

say. Connected children are generally happier and do better in school

and in life.

5. Hold your child to high but realistic standards both in school and in

life. Let him know that you expect him to work hard, cooperate with

teachers and other students and do his best.

6. Show that you value education. Stay in touch with your child’s

teachers and school officials. Check to see that he gets to school on

time, completes homework assignments successfully and is signed up

for classes required for college.

87

This publication was primarily written by Nancy Paulu, with subsequent

revisions and edits completed by Jean Osborn and Fran Lehr. Illustrations

were done by Adjoa Burrowes and Joe Matos.

This booklet has been made possible with the help of many people and

organizations, including Reid Lyon, Peggy McCardle and Kyle Snow of the

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development; Nancy Ames,

Vice President and Director of Family, School and Community Programs

at Education Development Center, Inc., Newton, Mass.; Leah Meyer

Austin, Program Director at the W.K. Kellogg Foundation, Battle Creek,

Mich.; Harold D. Grotevant, Department Head and Professor in the

Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota;

Carole Kennedy, former President of the National Association of

Elementary School Principals; Joan Lipsitz, a consultant and nationally

recognized expert on early adolescence and the middle grades; Joyce

Epstein, Director of the Center on School, Family and Community

Partnerships, Johns Hopkins University; Sue Swaim, Executive Director of

the National Middle School Association; Mary Beth Blegen, 1996 National

Teacher of the Year; and Kirk Winters, Policy Analyst, U.S. Department of

Education each of whom reviewed drafts, provided materials and suggestions and generously contributed from their own experiences. 

In addition, a special thanks to Todd May and Menahem Herman in the

Office of Intergovernmental and Interagency Affairs for their help in

managing the design, development, production and distribution of this

booklet.

86 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence

Acknowledgements
No Child Left Behind

On January 8, 2002, President George W. Bush signed into law the No

Child Left Behind Act of 2001 (NCLB). This new law represents his

education reform plan and contains the most sweeping changes to the

Elementary and Secondary Education Act since it was enacted in 1965. It

changes the federal role in education by asking America’s schools to

describe their success in terms of what each student accomplishes. The act

contains the president’s four basic education reform principles.

★ Stronger accountability for results

★ Local control and flexibility

★ Expanded options for parents

★ An emphasis on effective and proven teaching methods

In sum, this law—in partnership with parents, communities, school

leadership and classroom teachers—will ensure that every child in

America receives a great education and that no child is left behind.

For more information on No Child Left Behind, visit the website at

www.nochildleftbehind.gov or call 1–800–USA–LEARN.

7. Provide opportunities for your young teen to succeed. Help your

child to discover and develop her strengths. Success produces

confidence.

8. Monitor friendships. Get to know your child’s friends and their

parents. Talk with him about friends, friendship and about choices

he makes when with friends.

9. Work with your child to become more aware of the media and how

to use it appropriately. Discuss what TV and movies to watch and

what computer games to play. Become aware of the music she

listens to and the magazines she reads.

10. Model good behavior. The best way to raise a child who is loving,

decent and respectful is to live the values and behavior you hope he

will develop.

11. Be alert to major problems, such as drug use, depression or an eating

disorder. If the problem is too big to handle alone, get help from

some of the many resources available. 

12. Hang in there when times are tough. Most youngsters weather the

bumps of early adolescence successfully and grow into successful

adults. You play a major role in making that happen.

88 Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence
U.S. Department of Education 

Office of Intergovernmental 

and Interagency Affairs 

400 Maryland Avenue, SW • Washington D.C. 20202