Coping with 

Advanced Cancer

Choices for Care Near 

the End of Life

U.S. Department of Health & Human Services | National Institutes of Health
Cancer Information and Support

To learn more about your cancer or request any further 

information, visit our website: www.cancer.gov

National Cancer Institute 

We provide current information on cancer prevention, screening, 

diagnosis, treatment, clinical trials, genetics, and supportive care. 

■ Cancer Information Service 

Our cancer information specialists answer questions about 

cancer, clinical trials, and cancer-related services. They also 

help users find information on the NCI website and provide 

access to NCI printed materials.

Toll-free: 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237)

Visit: www.cancer.gov/aboutnci/cis  

Online chat: Click on “Live Chat” from the top of our 

home page.

Additional Resources

See Organizations That Offer Support Services at www.cancer.gov. 

In the search box, type in the words “national organizations.”

Or call 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) for more help.
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Table of Contents

1. Coping with Advanced Cancer: About This Booklet 2

2. Making Choices About Care 4

3. Talking with Your Health Care Team 8

4. Getting Help for Your Symptoms 10

5. Coping with Your Feelings 17

6. Advance Planning 26

7. Talking with Family and Friends 29

8. Looking for Meaning 33

9. Closing Thoughts 35

10. Personal Affairs Worksheet 36
2 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

CHAPTER 1

Coping with Advanced Cancer: About This Booklet

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to 

what lies within us.”

You’ve struggled with the diagnosis, treatment, and maybe the recurrence of cancer. Now 

doctors may have told you that there are limited treatment options available. They may 

have said that your cancer is not responding to treatment and that remission is no longer 

possible. Or they may have said they have run out of standard treatment options. However 

you learn the news, it can be devastating to you and your loved ones. Often it’s hard to 

believe or accept at first.

Having advanced cancer can mean different outcomes for people. Some people can 

live a long time with advanced cancer due to new treatments for certain types. However, 

this booklet is for people whose cancer is no longer responding to treatment. Having 

advanced cancer can bring anxiety and uncertainty to your life. But remember that you’re 

still in control of your choices and actions. Having an advanced disease can be a time of 

personal growth. 

Many people say they started to see life in a new way after learning that their cancer had 

progressed despite treatment. They realized the importance of making the most of each day.

This booklet stresses four main points:

1. Learning more about ways you can help yourself may ease some of your concerns.

2. You always deserve to ask for and receive good medical attention from your health care 

team and support from your caregivers.

3. It’s important to talk about your worries, frustrations, and problems, and get support 

from others. In fact, it may be one of the best things you can do for yourself.

4. You still have choices. You can choose the way you wish to live each day.
www.cancer.gov 3

As You Read This Booklet

No two people are alike. Some chapters of this booklet may apply to you, while others may 

not. Or some may be more useful later. As you read this booklet, choose the parts that are 

right for you. Share it with your family members and loved ones. They may find it helpful to 

read it with you.

Above all else, try to remember that you’re still in charge of your life. It may be hard to do this 

with all that you’re going through. You may have trouble coping with your feelings from time 

to time. Or you may be grieving that your life has gone a different way than you had hoped. 

It’s natural to have ups and downs. We hope this booklet will help you. Our goal is to help you 

stay in control as much as you can, making the rest of your life fulfilling and satisfying. 

You can still have hope and joy in your life, even as you cope with what lies ahead.
4 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

CHAPTER 2

Making Choices About Care

People have different goals for care when dealing with advanced cancer. And your goals 

for care may be changing. You may have known your treatment options were limited. 

Or perhaps you had been hoping for a remission. Yet now you need to think more about 

controlling the spread or growth of the cancer. Your decisions about treatment will be very 

personal. You will want to seek the help of your loved ones and health care providers. But 

only you can decide what to do.

Questions you may want to ask:

■ What’s the best we can hope for by trying another treatment? What is the goal?

■ Is this treatment plan meant to help cancer-related symptoms, slow the spread of cancer, 

or both?

■ What’s the most likely result of trying this treatment?

■ What are the possible side effects and other downsides of the treatment? 

How likely are they?

■ Are the possible rewards bigger than the possible drawbacks?

■ Is there a chance that a new treatment will be found while we try the old one?

It is important to share your goals for care with the health care team. It’s also good to be 

clear with them about how much and what kind of information you want to receive from 

them. And ask your health care team what to expect in the future.

Palliative Care

You have a right to comfort care both during and after treatment. This kind of care is often 

called palliative care. It includes treating the symptoms and side effects caused by cancer 

and its treatment. Palliative care can also mean getting help with emotional and spiritual 

problems during and after cancer treatment. Sometimes patients don’t want to tell the 

doctor about their symptoms. They only want to focus on the cancer. Yet you can improve 

your quality of life with palliative care.

You may receive palliative care through treatment, survival, and advanced disease. Your 

oncologist may be able to help you. But a palliative care specialist may be the best person to 

treat some problems. Ask your doctor or nurse if there is a specialist you can go to.
www.cancer.gov 5

“There’s a part of me that wants to keep fighting and try a clinical trial; 

the other part wants to stop fighting. I’m just so tired of it all. Yet I can’t 

help wondering if there are other options.” —Tim

Your Choices for Care

You have a number of options when your doctor shares that remission of your cancer is no 

longer possible. There are always steps doctors can take to help you. These depend on the 

type of cancer you have and the goals you have for your care. Your health care team should 

tell you about any procedures and treatments available, as well as the benefits and risks of 

those treatments.

Options include:

■ Clinical trials

■ Palliative radiation, chemotherapy, or surgery

■ Hospice care

■ Home care

Many patients choose more than one option. Ask all the questions you need to.

Your decisions are very personal. Try to base them on the goals you have for your care. Your 

health care team can offer information and advice on options. You also may want to talk 

about these options with family members and others who are close to you. Whatever you 

decide, you will continue to receive palliative care.

Clinical Trials

Treatment clinical trials are research studies that try to find better ways to treat cancer. Patients 

with advanced cancer may be offered the option to take part in an early-phase clinical trial. 

These trials are designed to look at the safety of a new treatment and to identify the best dose. 

The chance that the new treatment will help you in such a trial may be low, but some patients 

join these trials because they hope that the treatment may help slow the growth of their cancer. 

Another reason may be that they want to benefit future patients by taking part in a trial. 

If you decide to try a clinical trial, you will need to know details about what type of cancer 

you have, any treatments you’ve had in the past, and other information. Each study has rules 

about who can take part. For example, only patients in a certain age group or who have a 

specific genetic change in their tumor may be able to join. Clinical trials have both benefits 

and risks. Your doctor and the study doctors should tell you about these before you make 

any decisions.

Taking part in a clinical trial may or may not help you, but may help others who get cancer 

in the future. But keep in mind that the costs will vary depending on the study. Talk with 
6 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

your health care team to learn more about coverage for clinical trials for your type of cancer. 

For more information about costs and other issues related to clinical trials, visit NCI’s 

“Clinical Trials Information for Patients and Caregivers” page at www.cancer.gov/aboutcancer/treatment/clinical-trials. Or call 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) to speak with 

an NCI cancer information specialist.

Palliative Radiation, Chemotherapy, or Surgery

Sometimes palliative chemotherapy, radiation, 

or surgery may be used to relieve pain or other 

symptoms and thereby improve your quality of 

life. Your doctor will talk to you about the risks 

and benefits of these treatments.

To learn more about chemotherapy and radiation, 

read NCI’s booklets Chemotherapy and You and 

Radiation Therapy and You. Both publications 

are available at www.cancer.gov/publications/

patient-education.

Hospice

Hospice care is an option when the goal of your care is focused solely on comfort and 

supportive care. Hospice is a special type of care in which medical, psychological, and 

spiritual support are given to patients and their loved ones when cancer therapies are no 

longer used to treat the disease. Choosing hospice care doesn’t mean that you’ve given up. It 

just means the treatment goals are different at this point. It does not mean giving up hope, but 

rather changing what you hope for. 

What are the goals of hospice? The goal of hospice is to help patients live each day to the 

fullest by making them comfortable and lessen their symptoms. Hospice doctors, nurses, 

spiritual leaders, social workers, and volunteers are specially trained. They are dedicated 

to supporting their patients’ and families’ emotional, social, and spiritual needs, as well as 

dealing with patients’ medical symptoms.

Be sure to check with the hospice and insurance company you use to learn what 

treatments and services are covered. People usually qualify for hospice services when 

their doctor signs a statement that says that patients with their type and stage of disease, on 

average, aren’t likely to survive beyond 6 months. 

Many people don’t realize that they can use hospice services for months, not just a few 

weeks. In fact, many say they wish they had gotten hospice care much sooner than they did. 

They were surprised by the expert care and understanding that they got. Often, control of 

symptoms not only improves quality of life but also helps people live longer. 
Services may include:

■ Doctor services

■ Nursing care

■ Medical supplies and equipment

■ Drugs to manage cancer-related symptoms 

and pain

■ Short-term inpatient care

■ Homemaker and home health aide services

■ Respite (relief) services for caregivers. This 

means someone else helps with care for 

awhile, so the caregiver can take a break

■ Counseling

■ Social work services

■ Spiritual care

■ Bereavement (grief) counseling 

and support

■ Volunteer services, including 

emotional support

Home Care

Home care services are for people who are at 

home rather than in a hospital. Home care 

services may include:

■ Monitoring care and managing symptoms

■ Delivery of medicines

■ Help with preparing meals and personal 

hygiene

■ Providing medical equipment

■ Physical and other therapies

You may have to pay for home care services 

yourself. Check with your insurance company. 

Medicare, Medicaid, and private insurance will 

sometimes cover home care services when 

ordered by your doctor. But some rules apply. 

Talk to your social worker and other members 

of your health care team to find out more.

Hospice and Home Care

What to Expect with Hospice Care

You can get hospice services at home, in 

special facilities, in hospitals, and in nursing 

homes. They have specialists to help guide 

care. They also have nurses on call 24 hours 

a day in case you need advice. And they 

have many volunteers who help families care 

for their loved one. Some hospices will give 

palliative chemotherapy at home as well. 

Hospice care doesn’t seek to treat cancer, but 

it does treat reversible problems with brief 

hospital stays if needed. An example might 

be pneumonia or a bladder infection.

Medicare, Medicaid, and most private 

insurers cover hospice services. For those 

without coverage and in financial need, 

many hospices provide care for free. 

Benefits of Hospice and Home Care

Hospice and home care professionals can 

help you and your family work through 

some tough emotional issues. A social 

worker can offer emotional support, help in 

planning hospice or home care, and ease the 

move between types of care. Many people 

prefer the comfort of their own home, 

familiar surroundings, and having friends 

and family members nearby. Getting health 

care at home gives family members, friends, 

and neighbors the chance to spend time 

with you and help with your care.

To learn more about hospice care, call 

the National Hospice and Palliative Care 

Organization at 1-800-658-8898. Or visit 

their website at www.nhpco.org. The 

website can also help you find a hospice 

in your community.

www.cancer.gov 7
8 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

CHAPTER 3

Talking with Your Health Care Team

As your cancer progresses, it’s still important to give feedback to your doctor. That’s the only 

way he or she can know what is working for you. Many people have a treatment team of health 

providers who work together to help them. This team may include doctors, nurses, social 

workers, dietitians, and other specialists. They need to be fully aware of your goals both during 

active treatment and afterwards. Let them know about any discomfort you have. You have a 

right to live with dignity and peace of mind. So it’s important to have a relationship and an 

understanding with those who will be caring for you.

Here are just a few topics you may want 

to discuss with your doctor or other 

members of your health care team:

■ Pain or other symptoms. Be 

honest and open about how you feel. 

Tell your doctor if you have pain 

and where. Also tell him or her what 

you expect in the way of pain relief. 

(See Chapter 4 for more about pain 

and other symptoms.)

■ What you want to know. Some 

people want to know details about their care. Others prefer to know as little as possible. 

Some patients want their family members to make most of their decisions. What would 

you prefer? Decide what you want to know, how much you want to know, and when 

you’ve heard enough. Choose what is most comfortable for you, then tell your doctor 

and family members. Ask that they follow through with your wishes.

■ Family wishes. Some family members may have trouble coping with your cancer. They 

don’t want to know how far the disease has advanced or how much time doctors think 

you have. Ask your family members how much they want to know. Share their wishes 

with your health care team. Do this as soon as possible. It will help avoid conflicts or 

distress among your loved ones. (See Chapter 7 for more on talking to your loved ones.)

Remember that only you and those closest to you can answer many of these questions. 

Having these answers can help you know what to expect now and in the future.

“My doctor said, ‘The cancer is spreading to your lungs,’ and from that 

moment on, I didn’t hear a word he said. He started talking about my 

options, but all I saw were lips moving. I was in total shock.” —Tyrone
Tips for Meeting with Your 

Health Care Team

■ Make a list of your questions before 

each appointment.

■ Bring a family member or trusted friend 

with you to your medical visits. This person 

can help you remember what the doctor or 

nurse said and talk with you about it after 

the visit.

■ Ask all your questions. If you do not 

understand an answer, keep asking until 

you do. There is no such thing as a 

“stupid” question.

■ Take notes. You can do this yourself or you 

can ask a family member or friend to take 

them for you. Or you can ask your doctor if 

it’s okay to record the visit.

■ Get a phone number or email of someone to 

contact with follow-up questions.

■ Keep a file or notebook of all the papers and 

test results that your doctor has given you. 

Take this with you to your visits. Also keep 

records or a diary of all your visits. List the 

drugs and tests you have taken.

■ Keep a record of any upsetting symptoms or 

side effects you have. Note when and where 

they occur. Take this with you on your visits.

■ Find out what to do in an emergency. This 

includes whom to call, how to reach them, 

and where to go.

No One Knows the Future

It’s normal for people to want to know 

how long they will have to live. It’s also 

natural to want to prepare for what 

lies ahead. You may want to prepare 

emotionally as well as to make certain 

arrangements and plans.

But predicting how long someone will 

live is not exact. Your doctor may be 

able to give you an estimate, but keep 

in mind that it’s a guess. Every patient is 

different. Your doctor has to take into 

account your type of cancer, treatment, 

past illnesses, and other factors.

Some patients live long past the time 

the doctor first predicted. Others live a 

shorter time. Also, an infection or other 

complication could happen and change 

things. Your doctor may know your 

situation best, but even he or she can’t 

know the answer for sure. And doctors 

don’t always feel comfortable trying to 

give you an answer.

In truth, none of us knows when we are 

going to die. Unexpected events happen 

every day. The best we can do is try to 

live fully and for today.

“I told the doctor when I first 

met him that I needed honesty 

from him; otherwise, I didn’t 

want to work with him. So he 

promised me he would be honest 

about my cancer, and he was. 

I needed to know everything.”

—Lucas

www.cancer.gov 9
10 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

CHAPTER 4

Getting Help for Your Symptoms

Cancer and its treatment affect people differently. Some have symptoms, while others have no 

symptoms for a long time. As we said earlier, you have a right to supportive care throughout 

your illness.

Sometimes people assume their symptoms will get worse as their cancer progresses. But with 

good supports in place and good care, your symptoms should always be managed. Do not 

downplay your symptoms if you’re having them. It’s important to report how you’re feeling to 

your doctor, health care team, and loved ones. If you feel very sick or tired, your doctor may 

be able to adjust your treatment or give you other medicine.

Following are some of the symptoms you may have.

Pain

Having cancer doesn’t always mean that you’ll have pain. But if you do, you shouldn’t accept 

pain as normal. Most types of pain can be treated. Your doctor can control pain with different 

medicines and treatments.

You may want to ask your doctor if you can talk to a pain specialist. Many hospitals have doctors 

on staff who are experts at treating pain. They may also have palliative medicine specialists.

Managing your pain helps you sleep and eat better. It makes it easier to enjoy your family 

and friends and focus on what gives you joy.

There are a few different ways to take pain medicine, including:

■ By mouth

■ Through the skin (for example, through a patch)

■ By shots

■ Through intravenous therapy (I.V.), which gets medicine into the body through a vein

■ Through subcutaneous pump (S.C.), which gets medicine under the skin

Your medicine, and how you take it, will depend on the type of pain and its cause. For 

example, for constant pain you may need a steady dose of medicine over a long period of 

time. You might use a patch placed on the skin or a slow-release pill.

Medicines can be used for all types of pain, including:

■ Mild to medium pain
■ Medium to very bad pain

■ Breakthrough pain

■ Tingling and burning pain

■ Pain caused by swelling

You should have regular talks with your health care 

team about the type and extent of your pain. That’s 

because pain can change throughout your illness. 

Let them know the kind of pain you have, how bad 

it is, and where it hurts.

You may want to keep a “pain diary.” Write down 

the time of day that the pain occurred and what 

you were doing. Rate the pain on a scale of 0 to 10. 

(Zero means no pain, and 10 is the worst pain you 

could have.) Write down the medicine you took, the 

amount, side effects, and how well it helped your 

pain. Use the diary when you talk to your doctor 

about your pain.

Unlike other medicines, there is no “right” dose for 

many pain medicines. Yours may be larger or smaller 

than someone else’s. The right dose is the one that 

relieves your pain and makes you feel better. 

To learn more, see the NCI booklet Cancer Pain 

Control at www.cancer.gov/publications/patienteducation/pain-control.

Controlling Pain

What to Tell Your Doctor

When describing pain to your doctor,

be as detailed as you can. Your doctor 

may ask:

■ Where exactly is your pain? Does it

move from one spot to another?

■ How does the pain feel—dull, sharp,

burning?

■ How often does your pain occur?

■ How long does it last?

■ Does it start at a certain time—

morning, afternoon, night?

■ What makes the pain better?

What makes it worse?

Using Strong Drugs to 

Control Pain

People with cancer often need strong 

medicine to help control their pain. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for pain medicine 

or for larger doses if you need them. The 

drugs will help you stay as comfortable 

as you can be.

Fears of addiction sometimes prevent 

people from taking medicine for pain. 

The same fears also prompt family 

members to encourage loved ones to 

“hold off” between doses. Please discuss 

these concerns with your health care 

team, especially if you have or have had 

issues with addiction. Regardless, you 

have the right to good pain control. 

Pain control and addiction can be 

treated at the same time.

Additional Ways to Treat Pain

Cancer pain is usually treated with medicine and 

other therapies. But there are also other methods 

to try. They are forms of complementary and 

alternative medicine (often referred to as CAM). 

Many people have found the methods listed below 

helpful. But talk with your health care team before 

trying any of them. Make sure they are safe and 

won’t interfere with your cancer treatment.

■ Acupuncture is a form of Chinese medicine

that involves inserting very thin, metal needles

into the skin at certain points of the body. It may

help treat nausea and control pain. Before using

acupuncture, ask your health care team if it is

safe for your type of cancer.

www.cancer.gov 11
12 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

■ Imagery is imagining scenes, pictures, or experiences to help you relax, feel less anxious, 

and sleep.

■ Relaxation techniques include deep breathing and exercises to relax your muscles and 

reduce anxiety.

■ Hypnosis is a state of relaxed and focused attention. One focuses on a certain feeling, 

idea, or suggestion.

■ Biofeedback is the use of a special machine to teach you how to control certain body 

functions, such as heart rate, breathing, and muscle tension.

■ Massage therapy is the gentle rubbing of different body parts or muscles. It may help 

reduce pain and anxiety. Before you try massage, check with your doctor. It is not 

recommended for some kinds of cancer.

All these methods may also help manage stress. Again, talk to your health care team before 

using anything new, no matter how safe it may seem. Ask your health care team for more 

information about where to get these treatments. To learn more, go to the National Center 

for Complementary and Integrative Health at www.nccih.nih.gov.

Anxiety

“The nighttime is harder than during the day. There’s not all that routine 

going on to take my mind off things. Sometimes I fall asleep, but then wake 

up in the middle of the night sweaty and shaky.” —Susan

Cancer takes a toll on both your body and your mind. You’re coping with many different things 

now. You may feel overwhelmed. Pain and medicines for pain can also make you feel anxious 

or depressed. And you may be more likely to feel this way if you have had these feelings before.

Here are some signs of anxiety:

■ Feeling very tense and nervous

■ Racing heartbeat

■ Sweating a lot

■ Trouble breathing or catching your breath

■ A lump in your throat or a knot in your stomach

■ Sudden fear

■ Trouble sleeping

Feeling anxious can be normal. But if it begins disrupting your daily life, ask for help from 

the members of your health care team. They can recommend someone for you to talk 

to. Counseling from a mental health professional has been shown to help many people 

cope with anxiety. Your doctor can also give you medicines that will help. Some of the 
www.cancer.gov 13

complementary and alternative medicine choices listed above for pain may work for your 

anxiety as well. Art therapy and music therapy have also helped people cope.

Fatigue

Fatigue is more than feeling tired. Fatigue 

is exhaustion—not being able to do even 

the small things you used to do. A number 

of things can cause fatigue. Besides cancer 

and its treatment, they include anxiety, 

stress, and changes in your diet or sleeping 

patterns. If you’re having some of these 

problems, you might want to:

■ Tell your health care team at your next 

visit. Some medicines can help with fatigue.

■ Ask about your nutrition needs.

■ Plan your daily activities. Do only what you really must do.

■ Hand over tasks to others who are willing to help you.

■ Include short periods of rest and relaxation every day.

■ Take naps (no longer than 15–30 minutes).

■ Ask others for help, especially when you are feeling fatigued.

■ Do light exercises that are practical for you.

Nausea and Vomiting

Nausea and vomiting may be a problem for cancer patients. Both can make you feel very 

tired. They can also make it hard to get treatments or to care for yourself. If you feel sick to 

your stomach or are throwing up, there are many drugs to help you. Ask your health care 

team which medicines might work best for your nausea and vomiting. Inform your health 

care team if you’re unable to take your prescribed medicines by mouth.

You also may want to:

■ Make small changes in your diet. Eat small meals 5–6 times a day.

■ Avoid foods that are sweet, fatty, salty, spicy, or have strong smells. These may make 

nausea and vomiting worse.

■ Drink as much liquid as possible. You’ll want to keep your body from getting dried 

out (dehydrated). Water, broth, juices, clear soft drinks, ice cream, and watermelon 

are good choices.

■ Choose cool foods, which may help more than hot ones.

■ Try acupuncture.
14 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Constipation

Constipation is a problem in which stool becomes hard, dry, and difficult to pass, and 

bowel movements do not happen very often. Other symptoms may include painful bowel 

movements, and feeling bloated, uncomfortable, and sluggish. Chemotherapy, as well as 

other medicines (especially those used for pain), can cause constipation. It can also happen 

when people change their diet, become less active, and spend more time sitting or lying 

down. 

Here are some ways to help manage constipation:

■ Drink plenty of fluids each day. Many people find that drinking warm or hot fluids 

helps with bowel movements.

■ Be active. You can be active by walking, doing water aerobics, or yoga. If you cannot 

walk, talk with your doctor or nurse about ways you can be active, such as doing 

exercises in bed or a chair.

■ Ask your doctor, nurse, or dietitian if you should eat more fiber. He or she may 

suggest you eat bran, whole wheat bread and cereal, raw or cooked vegetables, fresh and 

dried fruit, nuts, popcorn, and other high-fiber foods.

■ Let your doctor or nurse know if you are in pain or discomfort from not having 

a bowel movement. He or she may suggest you use an enema or take a laxative or stool 

softener. Check with your doctor or nurse before using any of these.

■ Ask your doctor about giving you laxatives when you start to take pain 

medications. Taking a laxative and stool softener at the same time you start taking pain 

drugs may prevent the problem.

Loss of Appetite and Body Changes

Eating and appetite changes are common in the later stages of cancer. As your cancer 

progresses, your appetite may become poor.

On the other hand, you may be eating enough, but your body can’t absorb the nutrients. 

This can cause you to lose weight, fat, and muscle.

Nutrition goals may become less important at this time. Even if your family members think 

you should have food, let your body be the judge. The goal should not be weight gain or 

improving your eating but rather comfort and symptom relief.

Your nurse, dietitian, and other members of your health care team can help. They can help 

you decide on changes to your diet that may be needed to keep you as healthy as possible. 

There are also new drugs to improve appetite and get rid of nausea. Ask your health care 

team about them.
www.cancer.gov 15

Sleep Problems

Illness, pain, drugs, being in the hospital, 

and stress can cause sleep problems. Sleep 

problems may include:

■ Having trouble falling asleep

■ Sleeping only in short amounts of time

■ Waking up in the middle of the night

■ Having trouble getting back to sleep

To help with your sleep problem, you may 

want to try:

■ Reducing noise, dimming the lights, making the room warmer or cooler, and using 

pillows to support your body.

■ Dressing in soft, loose clothing.

■ Going to the bathroom before bed.

■ Eating a high-protein snack 2 hours before bedtime (such as peanut butter, cheese, nuts, 

or some sliced chicken or turkey).

■ Avoiding caffeine (coffee, teas, colas, hot cocoa).

■ Keeping regular sleep hours (avoid naps longer than 15-30 minutes).

■ Talking with your health care team about drugs to help you sleep. These may give relief 

on a short-term basis.

Confusion

You may start noticing signs that you feel confused. This can occur in some people with 

advanced cancer. It can also be caused by some medicines. Confusion may begin suddenly 

or come and go during the day. Possible signs include:

■ Having trouble paying attention or concentrating such as feeling easily distracted, 

having trouble answering questions, or finding it harder to do tasks that involve logic, 

such as math problems

■ Memory and awareness problems such as forgetting where you are and what day it is 

or forgetting recent events
16 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

If you notice these signs, talk to your health care team to try to find out the cause. 

Meanwhile, try one or more of the following to help relieve confusion:

■ Go to a quiet, well-lit room with familiar objects.

■ Reduce noise.

■ Have family or loved ones nearby.

■ Put a clock or calendar where it can be seen.

■ Limit changes in schedule and routine as much as possible.

■ Try to have the same people caring for you as much as you can.

For more information on symptoms and side effects, see the 

NCI booklets below. They can be found at www.cancer.gov/

publications/patient-education.

■ Eating Hints

■ Chemotherapy and You

■ Radiation Therapy and You

■ Cancer Pain Control
www.cancer.gov 17

CHAPTER 5

Coping with Your Feelings

“I have good days and bad days. But I try to let there be more good 

ones than bad, and focus on things in my life that I can control. I just 

do the best I can, enjoying family, friends, and the little things in 

life.”—Louise

You’ve probably felt a range of feelings during your cancer experience. You may have had 

these feelings at other times in your life, too, but they may be more intense now.

There is no right or wrong way to feel. And there is no right or wrong way to react to your 

feelings. Do what is most comfortable and useful for you.

You may relate to all the feelings below or just a few. You may feel them at different times, 

with some days being better than others. It may help to know that others have felt the same 

way that you do. You may also want to read “Ways You Can Cope” on page 25. Some of 

the things others have done to cope with their feelings may help you, too.

Hope

You can feel a sense of hope, despite your cancer. But what you hope for changes with time. 

Once you’ve been told that a cancer recovery isn’t possible, you can hope for other things. 

These may include comfort, peace, acceptance, and even joy. Hoping may give you a sense of 

purpose and help you feel better.

To build a sense of hope, set goals to look forward to each day. Plan something to get your 

mind off the cancer. Here are some tips from others with advanced stage cancer:

■ Plan your days as you’ve always done.

■ Don’t stop doing the things you like to do just because you have cancer.

■ Find small things in life to look forward to each day. You can also set dates and events to 

look forward to.

■ Look for reasons to hope, while staying aware of what’s at hand.
18 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Inner Strength

“My biggest struggle is that I need help, but I don’t want people to give 

me too much of it. I want to do what I can for myself. If I have to work 

at something, there’s a reason to live.” —Will

People with cancer find strength they didn’t know they had. You may have felt overwhelmed 

when you first learned that your doctors couldn’t control your cancer. And maybe you’re 

finding it harder to cope with now. But your feelings of helplessness may change. You 

may find physical and emotional reserves you didn’t know you had. Calling on your inner 

strength may help revive your spirit.

Some people find it helpful to focus on the present instead of the past or future. They accept 

that their daily routine may have to be different from the old routine. Others like to plan 

ahead and set goals. Some people choose to focus on the relationships they have with people 

close to them. Inner strength is different for each person. Draw on the things in your life 

that are meaningful to you. Take each day one at a time.

Sadness and Depression 

It’s normal to feel sad. You may have no energy or not want to eat. It’s okay to cry or express 

your sadness in another way. You don’t have to be upbeat all the time or pretend to be 

cheerful in front of others.

Pretending to feel okay when you don’t will not help you feel better. And it may even create 

barriers between you and your loved ones. So don’t hold your feelings in. Do what comes 

naturally to you.

Depression can happen if sadness or despair seems to take over your life. Some of the signs 

below are normal during a time like this. Talk to your doctor if they last for more than 2 

weeks. Some symptoms could be due to physical problems. It’s important to tell someone on 

your health care team about them so, together, you can decide what action to take.

Signs of Depression

■ Feeling helpless or hopeless, or that life has no meaning

■ Having no interest in family, friends, hobbies, or things you used to enjoy

■ Losing your appetite

■ Feeling short-tempered and grouchy

■ Not being able to get certain thoughts out of your mind
www.cancer.gov 19

■ Crying for long periods of time or many times each day

■ Thinking about hurting or killing yourself (call your doctor immediately if these 

thoughts occur)

■ Feeling “wired,” having racing thoughts or panic attacks

■ Having sleep problems, such as not being able to sleep, having nightmares, or 

sleeping too much

Your doctor can treat depression with medicine. He or she may also suggest that you 

talk about your feelings with a psychologist or counselor. Or you may want to join a 

support group.

Grief

“I heard the doctor say, ‘I’m so sorry, but . . .’ and then I heard nothing 

else. My head was spinning, and I kept saying to myself, ‘No, the doctor 

must be making a mistake.’ ” —Rosa

We all cope with loss or the threat of loss in different ways. You may feel sadness, loneliness, 

anger, fear, and guilt. Or you may find the way you think changes from time to time. For 

example, you may get easily confused or feel lost. Or your thoughts may repeat themselves 

over and over again. You may also find yourself low in energy. You may not want to do 

things or see people. These are all normal reactions to grief.

What you grieve for is as varied as how you think and feel. You may:

■ Grieve for the loss of your body as it used to be. 

■ Grieve for the things you used to be able to do. 

■ Grieve losing your family, your friends, or your future. 

As a result, you may choose to surround yourself with people who are close to you. 

Let your loved ones know if you want to talk. Let them know if you just want to sit quietly 

with them. It’s also okay to take time for yourself and look inward. There is no right or 

wrong way to grieve.

Often people who go through major change and loss need extra help. You can talk with a 

member of your health care team, a member of your faith community, or a mental health 

professional. You don’t have to go through this alone.
20 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Anger

The feeling of “No, not me!” often changes to “Why me?” 

or “What’s next?” You have a lot to deal with right now. It’s 

normal and healthy to feel angry. You don’t have to pretend 

that everything is okay. You may be mad at your doctor, family 

members, neighbors, and even yourself. Some people get angry 

with God and question their faith.

At first, anger can help by motivating you to take action. You may 

decide to learn more about your treatment options. Or you may 

become more involved in the care you’re getting. But anger doesn’t 

help if you hold it in too long or take it out on others. Often the people closest to us are the 

ones who have to deal with our anger, whether we want that or not.

It may help to look at the reasons why you’re angry. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes anger 

comes from feelings that are hard to show, such as fear, panic, worry, or helplessness. But 

being open and dealing with your anger may help you. Anger is also a form of energy. It 

may help to express this energy through exercise or physical activity, art, or even just hitting 

the bed with a pillow.

Stress

“Just because I love God and know where I’m going, doesn’t mean I’m not 

stressed. I worry all the time about what’s to come. I try to focus on the 

things I can control, but it’s not always easy.” —Ashley

Everyone has stress, but most likely you’re having a lot more now. After all, you’re dealing 

with many changes. Sometimes, you may not even notice that you’re stressed. But your 

family and friends may see a change.

Anything that helps you feel calm or relaxed may help you. Try to think of things that you 

enjoy. Some people say it helps to:

■ Exercise or take a walk.

■ Write thoughts and feelings in a journal.

■ Meditate, pray, or do relaxation exercises.

■ Talk with someone about your stress.

■ Do yoga or gentle stretching.

■ Listen to soothing music.

■ Express yourself through art.
www.cancer.gov 21

Fear and Worry

“I have people around all day, but there’s nothing worse than waking up 

alone and upset at 3:00 in the morning in a quiet, dark room. You have to 

have someone you can call right then.” —Jacob

Facing the unknown is very hard. At times, you may feel scared of losing control of your 

life. You may be afraid of becoming dependent on other people. You may be afraid of dying. 

There could be any number of reasons why you’re scared or worried.

If you struggle with these fears, remember that many others have felt the same way. Some 

people worry about what will happen to their loved ones in the future. Others worry about 

money. Many people fear being in pain or feeling sick. All these fears are normal.

Sometimes patients or family members worry that talking about their fears will make the 

cancer worse. This is not true. Thinking about getting sicker or dying is not going to make 

your health worse. But it’s good to be hopeful and positive. It’s better for your health to 

express your feelings, rather than hold them in.

Some people say it helps if you:

■ Know what to expect. Learn more about your illness and treatment options by asking 

questions of your health care team.

■ Update your affairs. If you have not already done so, make sure your will and other 

legal paperwork are in order. Then you won’t have to worry about it. (See Chapter 6.)

■ Try to work through your feelings. If you can, talk with someone you trust. 

If you feel overwhelmed by fear, remember that others have felt this way, too. It’s okay to ask 

for help.
22 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Guilt and Regret

It’s normal for people with cancer to wonder if they did anything to add to their situation. 

They may blame themselves for lifestyle choices. They may feel guilty because treatment 

didn’t work. They may regret ignoring a symptom and waiting too long to go to the doctor. 

Others worry that they didn’t follow the doctor’s orders in the right way.

It’s important to remember that the treatment failed you. You didn’t fail the treatment.

We can’t know why cancer happens to some people and not others. In any case, feeling guilty 

won’t help—it can even stop you from taking action and getting the care you need. So, it’s 

important for you to:

■ Try to let go of any mistakes you think you may have made.

■ Focus on things worthy of your time and energy.

■ Forgive yourself.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about what I could have done to slow down my 

cancer. Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner, maybe I should have 

given up sweets, maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done 

that. After talking about it with my social worker, she helped me see that 

this is no one’s fault, especially mine.” —Lee

You may want to share these feelings with your loved ones. Some people blame 

themselves for upsetting the people they love. Others worry that they’ll be a burden on 

their families. If you feel this way too, take comfort in this: many family members have said 

it is an honor and a privilege to care for their loved one. Many consider it a time when they 

can share experiences and become closer to one another. Others say that caring for someone 

else makes them take life more seriously and causes them to rethink their priorities.

Maybe you feel that you can’t talk openly about these things with your loved ones. If so, 

counseling or a support group may be an option for you. Let your health care team know if 

you would like to talk with someone.
Loneliness

“I know my friends try to 

understand. It doesn’t matter what 

I say though—they just don’t get 

it. I can’t even begin to explain to 

them how I feel or what’s going 

on. I’m not saying it’s their fault or 

anything. It’s just hard.” —Jennifer

It’s normal to feel alone, even if you have lots 

of people around you who care. You may feel 

that no one really understands what you’re 

going through. And as the cancer progresses, 

you may see family, friends, or coworkers 

less often. You may find yourself alone more 

than you would like. Some people may even 

distance themselves from you because they 

have a hard time coping with your cancer. 

This can make you feel really lonely.

Although some days may be harder than 

others, remember that you aren’t alone. 

Keep doing the things you’ve always done 

the best you can. If you want to, tell people 

that you don’t want to be alone. Let them 

know that you welcome their visits.

More than likely, your loved ones are feeling 

many of the same things you are. They, too, 

may feel cut off from you if they don’t know 

how to talk with you. 

You may also want to try joining a support 

group. There, you can talk with others who 

can relate to your feelings.

Finding Humor

Laughter can help you relax. Even a 

smile can fight off stressful thoughts. 

Of course, you may not always feel like 

laughing, but other people have found 

these ideas can help:

■ Enjoy the things children and 

pets do.

■ Watch funny movies or TV shows.

■ Look at humor sites and videos 

on the internet. If you don’t own 

a computer, use one at your local 

library.

■ Listen to comedy recordings.

■ Read light-hearted books, the comics 

in the newspaper, or the cartoons 

and quotes in magazines.

■ Look in the humor section in the 

library or bookstore.

www.cancer.gov 23
24

About Support Groups

You may have heard about 

support groups in your area for 

people with cancer. They can 

meet in person, by phone, or 

over the internet. They may help 

you gain new insights into what’s 

happening, get ideas about how 

to cope, and help you know that 

you’re not alone.

In a support group, people may 

talk about their feelings and what 

they have gone through. They may 

trade advice and try to help others 

who are dealing with the same 

kinds of issues. Some people like 

to go and just listen. Others prefer 

not to join support groups at all. 

Some people aren’t comfortable 

with this kind of sharing.

If you feel like you would enjoy 

outside support such as this, 

but can’t get to a group in your 

area, try a support group on the 

internet. Some people with cancer 

say that websites with support 

groups have helped them a lot.

Getting Support

Your feelings will come and go, just as they always have in 

your life. It helps to have some strategies to deal with them.

First, know that you aren’t alone. Many people have been 

in your situation. Some choose to confide in friends and 

family members. Others do better when they join a support 

group. It helps them to talk with others who are facing the 

same challenges. You may prefer to join an online support 

group, so you can chat with people from your home.

If support groups don’t appeal to you, there are many 

experts who are trained to work in cancer care. These include 

oncology social workers, psychologists, or counselors.

Many people also find faith as their source of support. They 

may seek comfort from the different members of their faith 

community. Or they may find that talking to a leader in 

their religious or spiritual community can be helpful. If you 

need help finding faith-based support, many hospitals have 

a staff chaplain who can give support to people of all faiths 

and religions. Your health care team may also be able to tell 

you about faith-based organizations in the area.

Ways You Can Cope

You may be able to keep doing many of your regular 

activities, even though some may be harder to do. Just 

remember to save your strength for the things you really 

want to do. Don’t plan too many events for one day. Also, 

try to stagger things throughout the day.

On the next page you’ll find some ideas that other patients 

say have helped them cope. As you can see, even little 

things can help.

24 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 
Ways You Can Cope

Ideas from others

Build model airplanes.

Pray or meditate.

Window shop.

People watch at the mall.

Go to a movie.

Play board games or cards.

Attend local concerts and plays.

Start a new daily routine. 

Accept that it may have to 

be different from your old one, 

but change is okay!

Talk about feelings with friends, 

family, or a leader in your 

spiritual or faith community.

Do yoga or gentle stretching.

I’m taking a watercolor class. I’m awful at it, but I sure 

don’t care — anything that gets my mind off things.

I like to get my nails done. 

I started to follow the stock market. 

My nieces call and leave messages or songs on my 

voicemail. I listen to them when I need a 

fast way of cheering up.

Sometimes I drive out to the airport and watch planes. 

For some reason, it’s very soothing to me.

I built a birdhouse with 

my grandson. We had fun, 

and I loved teaching him 

about tools.

I like to bird watch. I sit 

on my porch with a pair 

of binoculars.

I watch a lot of movies.

I like to fix things around 

the house.

I took up photography. 

I didn’t buy a fancy 

camera or anything. I just 

started taking pictures.

Spend time outdoors in a community garden or park.

Volunteer or find a way to help others in need.

Plant flowers.

Go to worship services.

Knit, crochet, or do needlepoint.

Do crossword puzzles.

Do relaxation exercises.

Go fishing.

Do the things I enjoy, like making phone calls or reading.

Spend time with people I love.

Listen to music or a relaxation recording.

Do woodcarving.

Read mystery novels.
26 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

CHAPTER 6

Advance Planning

This section outlines some things you can do to ensure your wishes are understood. This 

can help relieve the burden on your loved ones later.

Sign Advance Directives

It’s important to start talking about your wishes with the people who matter most to you. 

There may come a time when you can’t tell your health care team what you need. Some 

people prefer to let their doctor or their family members make decisions for them. But 

often, people with cancer feel better once they have made their desires known.

Advance directives are legal papers that tell your loved ones and doctors what to do if you 

can’t tell them yourself. The papers let you decide ahead of time how you want to be treated. 

They may include a living will and a durable power of attorney for health care. Think 

about giving someone you trust the right to make medical decisions for you. This is one of 

the most important things you can do.

Living will. A living will lets people know what kind of medical care you want if you cannot 

make decisions for yourself or you’re terminally ill (dying). It states in writing your wishes 

about being kept alive by artificial means or extreme measures (such as a breathing machine 

or feeding tube). Some states allow you to give other instructions as well.

Durable power of attorney and health care proxy. A durable power of attorney for health 

care names a person to make medical decisions for you when you can’t make them yourself. 

(In some places, you can appoint this person to make decisions when you no longer want 

to.) This person is called a health care proxy.

Setting up an advance directive doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Making decisions now 

keeps you in control. You are making your wishes known for all to follow. This can help you 

worry less about the future and live each day to the fullest.

Choose a person you can trust to carry out your decisions and follow your preferences. Be 

sure to discuss this in depth with the person you choose. They need to know they could be 

called upon. They should understand your wishes and any religious concerns you have.

It’s hard to talk about these issues. But it often comforts family members to know what you 

want. And it saves them having to bring up the subject themselves. You may also gain peace of 

mind. You are making hard choices for yourself instead of leaving them to your loved ones.

For more information on advance directives, see the NCI’s page, https://www.cancer.gov/

about-cancer/managing-care/advance-directives and the National Institute on Aging’s page, 

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/advance-care-planning-healthcare-directives.
Make copies of your advance directives. Give them to 

your family members, your health care team, and your 

hospital medical records department. This will ensure 

that everyone knows your decisions.

To learn more, the organization Aging with Dignity 

provides information about advance directives. You 

can order their document Five Wishes, which states 

your end-of-life decisions for your health care team, 

friends, and family members. You can call them at 

850-681-2010 or visit www.fivewishes.org. 

Other Legal Papers

A will, trust, and legal power of 

attorney are some other legal 

papers that are not part of the 

advance directives:

■ A will divides your property 

among your heirs.

■ A trust is when a person you appoint oversees, invests, 

or pays out money to those named in the trust.

■ Legal power of attorney—you appoint a person to 

make financial decisions for you when you can’t 

make them yourself.

Following State Laws

You do not always need a lawyer 

present to fill out these documents. 

But you may need a notary 

public. Each state has its own laws 

concerning living wills and durable 

powers of attorney. These laws can 

vary in important details. In some 

states, a living will or durable power 

of attorney signed in another state 

isn’t legal. Talk with your lawyer or 

social worker to get more details.

Or look at your state’s government 

website. 

“Don’t feel like you’re 

being morbid because 

you’re taking care of 

business in advance. My 

goal is to try not to leave 

things undone because 

it’s not going to be any 

easier on anybody else.” 

—Ronald

Planning for Your Family

Careful planning reduces the financial, legal, and 

emotional burden your family and friends will face 

after you’re gone. For many people, it’s hard bringing 

up these subjects. But talking about them now can 

avoid problems later.

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable bringing up the 

subject with loved ones. Or maybe your family simply 

doesn’t talk about these things. In either case, seek 

help from a member of your health care team. They 

may be able to help your family understand.

■ Clearing up insurance issues. Contact your 

health insurance company if you decide to 

www.cancer.gov 27
try a new treatment or go into hospice. Most 

insurance plans cover hospice care. They also cover 

brief home visits from a nurse or a home health aide 

several times a week. But it’s wise to ask in advance. 

This may prevent payment problems later.

To learn more, the Patient Advocate Foundation 

offers support for managed care, insurance, 

and other financial issues. Visit their website 

at www.patientadvocate.org.

■ Putting your affairs in order. You can help your 

family by organizing records, insurance policies, 

documents, and instructions. You may want to call 

your bank to make sure you have taken all the right 

steps in doing these things. 

■ Making funeral arrangements. You may want to 

help your family plan a funeral or memorial service 

that has your personal touch. Some people plan 

services that are celebrations. Talk with your family 

about how you want others to remember you.

A Checklist for

Organizing Your Affairs

✔ If you can’t physically gather 

important papers, make a 

list of where your family can 

find them.

✔ Make a list of any accounts 

and passwords that 

someone may need if 

you aren’t able to provide 

them. Give this to someone 

you trust.

✔ Keep your papers in a 

fireproof box or with 

your lawyer.

✔ If you keep your important 

papers in a safety deposit 

box, make sure that a family 

member or friend has access 

to the box.

✔ Although original 

documents are needed for 

legal purposes, give family 

members photocopies or 

email them electronic scans.

A worksheet of important 

papers and documents is on 

page 36. You can use it as a 

guide to the types of papers 

your family will need.

28 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 
www.cancer.gov 29

C H A P T E R 7 

Talking with Family and Friends 

Your loved ones may need time to adjust to the new stage of your illness. They need to come 

to terms with their own feelings. These may include confusion, shock, helplessness, or anger. 

Let them know that they can comfort you just by being themselves and by being at ease with 

you. Ask them to just listen when you need it, rather than trying to solve every problem. 

Many people are reassured and comforted by sharing feelings and taking the time to 

say what they need to. Bear in mind that some people may not know what to say or do for 

you. As a result, relationships may change. This isn’t because of you, but because others have 

trouble coping with their own painful feelings. Knowing that people cope with bad news in 

their own way will help you and your loved ones understand each others’ emotions.

Some families have trouble expressing their needs to each other. Other families simply do 

not get along with each other.

Some ways you can talk to your loved ones are:

■ If you can, remind them that you’re still the same person you always were. Let them 

know it’s all right to ask questions or tell you how they feel. 

■ Sometimes just reminding them to be there for you is enough. But it’s also okay if you 

don’t feel comfortable talking about it either. 

■ Sometimes certain topics are hard to talk about with others. If this is the case, you may 

want to talk by yourself with a member of your medical team or a trained counselor, or 

attend a support group.

■ If you don’t feel comfortable talking with family members, ask a member of your health 

care team to talk to them for you.

■ You could also ask a social worker or other professional to hold a family meeting. This 

may help family members feel safer to express their feelings openly. It can also be a time 

for you and your family to meet with your team to problem-solve and set goals.

It can be very hard to talk about these things that affect so many areas of your life and the 

lives of those around you. But studies show that cancer care goes more smoothly when 

everyone talks openly about the issues that are affecting them.

Often, talking with the people closest to you is harder than talking with anyone else. 

What follows is some advice on talking with loved ones during tough times.
30 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Talking with Spouses and Partners 

Some relationships grow stronger during cancer treatment, but others are strained. It’s very 

common for patients and their partners to feel more stress than usual as a couple. There is 

often stress about: 

■ Knowing how to give and get support 

■ Coping with new feelings that have come up 

■ Figuring out how to communicate 

■ Having money problems 

■ Making decisions 

■ Changing roles 

■ Having changes in social life 

■ Coping with changes in daily routines 

Some people feel more comfortable talking about serious issues than others. Only you and 

your loved one know how you communicate. Some things to consider: 

■ Talk things over. Share the things that are on your minds. If this is hard for you or your 

partner, ask a counselor or social worker to talk to both of you together. 

■ Understand feelings. Your spouse or partner may feel guilty about your illness. They 

may feel guilty about any time spent away from you. They also may be under stress due 

to changing family roles. Try to understand what they are going through too.

■ Spend some time apart. Your partner needs time to address his or her own needs. 

If these needs are neglected, your loved one may have less energy and support to give. 

Remember, you didn’t spend 24 hours a day together before you got sick. 

■ Know that it’s normal for body changes and emotional concerns to affect your 

sex life. Talking openly and honestly is key. But if you can’t talk about these issues, 

you might want to talk with a professional. Don’t be afraid to seek help or advice if 

you need it. 

“My wife has been my biggest source of strength, plain and simple. That’s 

how I cope with all of it, because we talk and sometimes we talk until 4 or 

5 in the morning. We just sit and talk and reminisce, asking questions and 

answering them. Being there for one another.” —Steve 
www.cancer.gov 31

Talking with Your Small Children 

“We can’t always protect the people we love. But we can prepare them.” 

—Unknown 

Children can sense when things are wrong. Keeping 

your children’s or grandchildren’s trust is very 

important at this time. It’s best to be as open as you 

can about your cancer. They may worry that they did 

something to cause the cancer. They may be afraid 

that no one will take care of them. They may also feel 

that you’re not spending as much time with them as 

you used to. Although you can’t protect them from 

what they may feel, you can prepare them. 

Some children become very clingy. Others get into trouble in school or at home. Let the 

teacher or guidance counselor know what’s going on. And with your kids, it helps to keep 

the lines of communication open. Try to: 

■ Be honest. Tell them you’re sick and that the doctors are working to help you feel 

comfortable. 

■ Let them know that nothing they did or said caused the cancer. And make sure they 

know that they can’t catch it from others. 

■ Tell them you love them. 

■ Tell them it’s okay to be upset, angry, or scared. Encourage them to talk. 

■ Be clear and simple, since children don’t have the focus of adults. Use words they can 

understand. 

■ Let them know that they will be taken care of and loved. 

■ Let them know that it’s okay to ask questions. Tell them you will answer them as 

honestly as you can. In fact, children who aren’t told the truth about an illness can 

become even more scared. They often use their imagination and fears to explain the 

changes around them. 

Talking with Your Teenagers 

“My father and I are so much closer. It’s a totally different family than we 

were before he was diagnosed. We’ve learned how to talk about how we feel, 

how to talk to each other about what’s going on and what we’re afraid of.” 

—Jake 
32 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Many of the things listed above also apply to teenagers. 

They need to hear the truth about your illness. This helps 

keep them from feeling guilt and stress. But be aware 

that they may try to avoid the subject. They may become 

angry, act out, or get into trouble as a way of coping. 

Others simply withdraw. Try to: 

■ Give teenagers the space they need. This is especially 

important if you rely on them more than before to 

help with family needs. 

■ Give them time to deal with their feelings, alone or 

with friends. 

■ Let your teenager know that they should still go to school and take part in sports and 

other fun activities. 

If you have trouble explaining your illness, you might want to ask for help. Try asking a 

close friend, relative, or health care provider for advice. You could also go to a trusted coach, 

teacher, or youth minister. Your social worker or doctor can help you find a good counselor. 

Talking with Your Adult Children 

Your relationship with your adult children may change now that you have advanced cancer. 

You may have to rely on them more for different needs. It may be hard for you to ask for 

support. After all, you may be used to giving support rather than getting it. Or it may be 

hard for other reasons; perhaps your relationship with them has been distant. 

Adult children have their concerns, too. They may become fearful of their own mortality. 

They may feel guilty because they feel that they can’t meet the many demands on their lives 

as parents, children, and employees. 

As your illness progresses, it helps to: 

■ Share decision-making with your children. 

■ Involve them in issues that are important to you. These may include treatment choices, 

plans for the future, or types of activities you want to continue. 

Reaching out to your children and openly sharing your feelings, goals, and wishes may help 

them cope with your disease. It may also help lessen fears and conflict between siblings 

when other important decisions need to be made. 

To learn more, see the NCI booklets When Someone You Love is Being Treated for Cancer at 

www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/when-someone-you-love-is-being-treated

and When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer at www.cancer.gov/publications/patienteducation/when-someone-you-love-has-advanced-cancer.
www.cancer.gov 33

C H A P T E R 8 

Looking for Meaning

Many people who have advanced cancer look more deeply for meaning in their lives. They 

want to understand their purpose and their legacy. They want to examine what they have 

gone through in life. Some look for a sense of peace or a bond with others. Some seek to 

forgive themselves or others for past actions. Some look for answers and strength through 

religion or spirituality. 

Being spiritual can mean different things to different people. It can be a very personal 

issue. Everyone has their own beliefs about the meaning of their life. Some people find 

it through religion or faith. Some people find it by teaching, or through volunteer work. 

Others find it in different ways. Having cancer may cause you to think about what you 

believe. You may think about God, an afterlife, about the connections made between living 

things. This can bring a sense of peace, a lot of questions, or both. 

Thinking About What’s Important to You

Like some people, you may also find that cancer changes your values. Having the disease 

may help you learn what is most important to you. The things you own and your daily tasks 

may seem less important. You may decide to spend more time with loved ones or helping 

others. You may want to do more things outdoors, or learn something new. 

You may have already given a lot of thought to these issues. Still, you might find comfort by 

exploring more deeply what is meaningful to you. You could do this with someone close to 

you, a member of your faith community, or a mental health professional. 

Or you may just want to take time for yourself. You may want to reflect on your experiences 

and relationships. Writing in a journal or reading also helps some people find comfort and 

meaning. Many people find that prayer, meditation, or talking with others has helped them 

cope and explore their lives. 

Celebrating Your Life 

Having advanced cancer often gives people a chance to look back on life and all they have done. 

They like to look at the different roles they have played throughout life. They think about what 

something meant at the time, and what it means now. Some gather things that have meaning 

to them to give to their loved ones. Others share memories or projects with loved ones. 

“I’ve learned a lot about myself and the strength I have in dealing with 

this. I’ve learned a lot about my kids and family too, watching them handle 

this, and it makes me proud to be their mother. I figure I must have done 

something right.” —Madeline 
34 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Doing these things is often called “making a legacy” for yourself. It can be whatever you 

want; don’t limit yourself! You can do these things alone or with others close to you. Do 

whatever you want that brings joy and meaning to you. Some examples of ways people have 

celebrated their lives are: 

■ Making a video or recording of special memories.

■ Reviewing or arranging family photo albums.

■ Charting or writing down your family’s history or family tree. 

■ Keeping a daily journal of your feelings and experiences.

■ Making a scrapbook. 

■ Writing notes or letters to loved ones and children. 

■ Reading or writing poetry. 

■ Creating artwork, knitting, or making jewelry. 

■ Giving meaningful objects or mementos to loved ones. 

■ Writing down or recording funny or special stories from your past. 

■ Planting a garden. 

■ Making a recording of favorite songs. 

■ Gathering favorite recipes into a cookbook. 

Ethical wills. Some people with cancer also make what is called an “ethical will.” It’s not a 

legal paper. It’s something you write yourself to share with your loved ones. Many ethical 

wills contain the person’s thoughts on his or her values, memories, and hopes. They may 

also talk about the lessons learned in life or other things that are meaningful. It can say 

anything you want, in any way you want. 

“For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and 

from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life 

in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given 

moment.” —Viktor Frankl 
www.cancer.gov 35

C H A P T E R 9 

Closing Thoughts

Living with advanced cancer may bring many challenges and hardships. But it can also be a 

time of fulfillment and joy. 

As you think about the issues raised in this booklet, keep in mind that survival statistics are 

just numbers. The numbers that really mean the most for any of us are quite different. They 

measure the good days, the comfortable nights, and the hours of happiness and joy. Keep 

living your life the best that you can and in the fullest way possible. 

“Think only of today, and when tomorrow comes, it will be today, and we 

will think about it.” —St. Francis de Sales 

For more information, see NCI’s PDQ information summaries:

■ “Planning the Transition to End-of-Life Care in Advanced Cancer” at 

www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/advanced-cancer/planning/end-of-life-pdq

■ “Last Days of Life” at www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/advanced-cancer/

caregivers/planning/last-days-pdq
36 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Personal Affairs Worksheet

By filling out this worksheet, you can help family members deal with your personal affairs 

after you’re gone. You may not need to use all the subjects below, or you may think of other 

topics to list. Be sure to let your loved ones know about this list. It will help them cope with 

your death and find comfort in knowing your needs and wishes were met. Try to keep it 

updated and in a safe place. Make sure that only those you trust have access to it. 

Banks, Savings and Loans

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Life Insurance Company

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Health Insurance Company

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Disability Insurance Company

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
www.cancer.gov 37

Homeowners’ or Renters’ Insurance Company

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Burial Insurance Company

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Unions and Fraternal Organizations

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Attorney

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Accountant

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
38 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Executor of the Estate

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Internal Revenue Service

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Social Security Administration

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Pension or Retirement Plans

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Department of Veterans Affairs

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
www.cancer.gov 39

Investment Companies

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Mortgage Companies

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Credit Card Companies

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

All Other Lenders

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Employer

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
40 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) 

Faith or Spiritual Leader/Organization

Contact Information _________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

What Needs to be Done ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Safety Deposit Box Keys and Box Location

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Safe and Lock Combinations

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Location of Other Important Items (e.g., jewelry and family heirlooms)

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
www.cancer.gov 41

Notes

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NIH Publication No. 20-2709

June 2020