CHILDREN, PARENTS AND SCHOOLS TAKE ACTION

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

Center for Mental Health Services

www.samhsa.gov

pushing &

tripping

name

calling

spreading

rumors

taking

money intimidating

Bullying

is Not

switching

seats

A Fact Life of
MUCH RESEARCH ON FAMILY CONDITIONS AND THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN HAS LED

TO THIS IMPORTANT CONCLUSION:

A lot of love and involvement from the people bringing up children, clear limits for what

behavior is allowed and not allowed, as well as the use of nonviolent methods of upbringing,

creates non-aggressive, harmonious, and independent children.

Here are some common sense rules for parents/caregivers who want to help children

have a positive childhood.

Let your child feel he or she

is important. Children have

a great need to feel they are

important to their parents.

Children grow on love and

challenges.

Do not frighten your child

unnecessarily. Sometimes you

may need to scare your child

to keep him or her away from

dangerous situations, but children

should not be scared into

obedience. Spare your child

upsetting knowledge about

things he or she cannot do

anything about. Laugh with and not at your

child. Children are proud

and can be deeply hurt when

they feel you are making fun

of them. Laugh with your

child; humor is positive. Praise your child frequently.

Encouragement and kind words

motivate a child to cooperate.

Positive support strengthens

the child’s self-image and

creates an enthusiastic spirit.

When new challenges arise,

your child will be able to

meet them confidently.

Remember that you are a role

model for your child. Your

child is bonded with you in the

deepest love and admiration.

That is why he or she wants

to be like you, at least when

he or she is young. Whatever

you do, your child will do.

Whatever you say or believe,

your child will repeat.

Do not give in to your child to

avoid conflict. Children feel

more secure when they have

limits set for them in their

everyday life, but they often

cannot refrain from testing

their limits. 

Keep the agreements you make

with your children. Children feel

helpless if you break agreements

without good reason. If your

child isn’t sure whether he or

she can rely on you, whom

can he or she rely on?

Remember that what you

do today contributes to

forming the future.

COMMON SENSE

RULES FOR PARENTS
Bullying is NOT a fact of life

Acknowledgment

This material was prepared by Professor Dan Olweus at the University of Bergen, Norway, and

adapted by the Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS), Substance Abuse and Mental Health

Services Administration (SAMHSA), Department of Health and Human Services.

Access to Publication

This publication may be obtained at the SAMHSA Web site at www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov.

(CMHS-SVP-0052)

Do not reproduce, reprint, or distribute this publication for a fee without specific, written

authorization from the Center for Mental Health Services.

Additional information

www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov

www.modelprograms.samhsa.gov

1-800-789-2647

Printed 2003
4

How To Use This Booklet

If you are concerned that your child might be

being bullied or bullying other children, the

information in this booklet can help. 

Parents –

If, after taking initial steps at home, you feel

that you must enlist the help of school personnel,

bring this booklet to the school meeting 

conference to help you advocate for your child.

School Personnel –

If bullying may be a problem in your school, find

out for sure. If the issue is a real one for your

students, then a change in the school climate

may be necessary.

This booklet describes the steps that parents

and schools can take, together, to help

prevent bullying.

Product code CMHS-SVP-0052

Did you know that research has found that

remarkable things can happen if parents and

caregivers spent at least 15 minutes of

undivided time a day listening and talking

with their children? Research also tells us

that children really do look to their parents

and caregivers for advice and help about

difficult choices and decisions. 

The document in your hands right now and

other companion materials about bullying are

part of 15+ Make Time to Listen – Take Time

to Talk, an initiative developed by the U.S.

Department of Health and Human Services,

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services

Administration, Center for Mental Health

Services, to promote healthy child development

and to prevent youth and school-based violence.

The initiative builds on both the value children

place on the advice they get from important

adults in their lives and the benefits of those

special 15 minutes each day. The listening and

talking theme, however, also can be adapted by

teachers, counselors, and other adults who are

involved in the lives and futures of children. 

Whether focused on bullying – as is this module

of the initiative – or on general principles of

healthy development and behavior, the

messages exchanged between children and

their parents and caregivers in just these 15

minutes or more a day, can be instrumental

in building a healthier and safer future for

children as individuals, as family members,

and as active and engaged participants in the

life of their communities.

NOTE: Terminology in this booklet is

inter-changeable. “Your child” is for parents.

“Children” is for schools, communities,

parents, and caregivers.
1

very day in our schools (and communities)

children are teased, threatened, and 

tormented by bullies. Bullying has been identified

as a problem that creates a climate of fear,

affecting the whole school. Those who fail to

recognize and stop bullying behavior as it

occurs actually promote violence. If we fail to

stop the behavior, we send a message to the

bully that “You have the right to hurt people,”

and a message to the victim that, “You are not

worth protecting.” This message needs to be

changed and changed now.

Bullying is a form of ABUSE,

HARASSMENT AND VIOLENCE. Harassment

and abuse are more accurate names for it. Parents

and school personnel should no longer consider

bullying “just a part of growing up.” It is harmful

to both the perpetrators and the victims and is

responsible for behavioral and emotional difficulties,

long-term negative outcomes, and violence. 

The National Institutes of Health (2000)

recently reported that in the United States alone,

bullying affects more than 5 million students in

grades 6 through 11. One out of 7 students

reported being victimized. The violence that

erupted at several schools in highly publicized

shooting incidents in the late 1990s spurred

several State legislatures to propose laws

requiring schools to adopt anti-bullying policies.

By 2001, New Hampshire, West Virginia, and

Colorado had passed laws, while others are

pending in Illinois, New York, and Washington.

The severity of the problem has been

recognized by the U.S. Department of Health

and Human Services, Substance Abuse and

Mental Health Services Administration

(SAMHSA), Center for Mental Health Services

(CMHS), and other agencies. In response to this

critical issue, SAMHSA/CMHS is launching a

Bullying Prevention Initiative with the help of

prime-time television, public service messages,

and bullying prevention educational materials.

This on-going multi-media communication

Initiative – titled 15+ Make Time To Listen,

Take Time To Talk... About Bullying – will bring

this critical message directly to the children,

parents and schools affected by these issues. 

This booklet, for parents and schools, is a part

of that Initiative. We hope that they and all adults

who supervise children will learn what can be done,

together, to take seriously their responsibility

to prevent bullying among our youth.

E

Foreword
2

MOST PEOPLE KNOW

WHAT BULLIES ARE. 

Large numbers of students have

been bullied over long periods of

time while nobody paid any attention!

Today, however, more people are

recognizing that it is a basic

democratic right for a student to

feel secure at school and not to be

troubled by offensive and humiliating

treatment. Because of highly

publicized school incidents, we now

know that ignoring bullying can

lead to violence or make a victim

feel so overwhelmed that he or she

sees suicide as the only way out. 

YET BULLYING PROBLEMS OFTEN ARE IGNORED OR DENIED

They even know what problems victims of bullies sometimes

face: years of constant anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem. 
3

No student should be afraid

to go to school because of

bullying, and no parent

should be worried that

their child may be bullied.

THE 15+ MAKE TIME TO LISTEN – TAKE TIME 

TO TALK INITIATIVE HAS TAKEN THE STAND
4

G ENERALLY, WE CALL IT BULLYING

when one or more persons repeatedly say or

do hurtful things to another person who has

problems defending himself or herself. Direct

bullying usually involves hitting, kicking, or

making insults, offensive and sneering

comments, or threats. 

Repeatedly teasing someone who clearly

shows signs of distress is also recognized as

bullying. However, indirect bullying—the

experience of being excluded from a group of

friends, being spoken ill of and being prevented

from making friends—can be just as painful.

Most bullying takes place at the same grade

level. However, many times older students

bully younger students. Although direct bullying

is a greater problem among boys, a good deal of

bullying takes place among girls. Bullying

between girls, however, involves less physical

violence and can be more difficult to discover.

Girls tend to use indirect and subtle methods

of bullying, such as exclusion from a group of

friends, backbiting, and manipulation of

friendships. Far more boys than girls bully,

and many girls are mostly bullied by boys,

but both can be victims of bullying.

FACTS

Some 

About Bullying among Children and Young People

DIRECT BULLYING USUALLY

INVOLVES HITTING, KICKING,

OR MAKING INSULTS,

OFFENSIVE AND SNEERING

COMMENTS, OR THREATS. 
5

MAJOR STUDIES IN NORWAY in the 1980s

and 1990s with more than 150,000 students found

that about 15 percent of students in primary

and lower secondary school, or approximately

one in seven students, were involved in bullying

with a degree of regularity—as a victim, as a

bully, or both. At least 5 percent (more than 1

in 20) of all students were involved in more

serious bullying at least once a week. 

In the United States in 1998, the prevalence

of bullying was found to be even more substantial.

A study carried out with a national sample of

more than 15,000 students in grades 6 through

10 found about 30 percent of the sample reported

moderate or frequent involvement in bullying—

as a bully, as a victim, or both. Students in

middle school (grades 6 through 8) reported

greater frequency of bullying than did students

in grades 9 and 10.

Similar results were obtained in another

study of more than 6,000 middle school students

in rural South Carolina. About 23 percent

reported that they had been bullied by other

students “several times” or more frequently

during the past three months. 

Approximately 20 percent reported that

they had bullied other students with the

same frequency.

These three

conditions

create a bullying

situation:

A relationship in

which there is an

imbalance in

strength or

power between

the parties

involved.

Behavior repeated

over a period of

time.

Negative or

malicious

behavior.

X Y Z

Fact: How Much Bullying Goes On?
6

THE CLAIM IS SOMETIMES MADE THAT most

bullying takes place on the way to school, not

at school. However, research shows that two to

three times as many students are bullied at

school compared to those who are bullied on the

way to school. Approximately 40 to 75 percent

of bullying takes place during breaks—in the

schoolyard, in the corridors, at recess, or in

more secluded places, like bathrooms. It can

also take place during classes unless the

teacher is attentive and cracks down on any

tendencies toward bullying. Without a doubt,

school is the place where most bullying occurs.

This puts particular responsibility on school

leaders and teachers. It is clear that the behavior,

attitudes, and routines of teachers and other

school personnel have a decisive effect on the

extent of bullying in the individual school or class.

Of course, parents, caregivers and supervisors

in many other places—in kindergartens,

playgrounds, and sports and youth clubs,

for example—also need to be alert to detect

bullying or tendencies toward bullying.

Where Does Bullying Take Place?

IT IS CLEAR THAT THE

BEHAVIOR, ATTITUDES, AND

ROUTINES OF TEACHERS...

HAVE A DECISIVE EFFECT ON

THE EXTENT OF

BULLYING IN THE INDIVIDUAL

SCHOOL OR CLASS.

Fact:
7

SCHOOL BUS

PLAYGROUND YOUTH CLUBS
8

The passive or submissive victim

Who Gets Bullied?

RESEARCH GIVES A FAIRLY CLEAR PICTURE OF THOSE WHO ARE POTENTIAL VICTIMS OF BULLYING.

They tend to have at least one, or usually several, of the characteristics listed below. These lists only

indicate main trends; in some cases, victims may be quite different. Potential victims of bullying can

be divided into two main groups:

Most children in this category are not

aggressive or teasing in their manner and

usually do not actively provoke others in

their surroundings. However, passive victims

of bullying generally signal, through their

behavior and attitudes, that they are a bit

anxious and unsure of themselves.

Detailed interviews with parents of

bullied boys predominantly of the passive/

submissive type indicate that these boys were

characteristically rather careful and

sensitive from an early age. Having this

kind of personality (possibly in addition to

physical weakness) may have made it difficult

for them to assert themselves in their group

of playmates, which may have contributed to

these boys becoming victims of bullying. At

the same time, it is obvious that long-term

bullying probably increased their anxiety,

insecurity, and negative self-image. 

They are unsure of

themselves and have

poor self confidence

(negative self-image).

The boys in this

group do not like to

fight, and they are

often physically

weaker than their

classmates, especially

the bullies.

They have

few or no

friends.

The features that can be seen in long-suffering victims of bullying may be both a cause for, and a result of, being bullied.

These students are

usually quiet, careful,

sensitive, and may

start crying easily.

Fact:
9

This category is less common and accounts for only

about 10 to 20 percent of the victims.

A class with a provocative victim of bullying

generally has somewhat different problems than a

class with a passive victim. It is more common that a

number of students, sometimes the whole class, may

be involved in harassing the provocative victim.

The provocative victim They can be quick

tempered and may

try to retaliate if

they are attacked or

harassed, but often

without much

success.

They are often

restless, clumsy,

immature, unable

to concentrate,

and generally

considered difficult.

Some may be

characterized as

hyperactive (unsettled

and restless because of

concentration difficulties)

and often have reading/

writing problems.

They may also be

disliked by adults—

their teacher, for

example—because

of their irritating

behavior.

They may themselves

try to bully weaker

students.
10

CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE

potential bullies have a number of common

features. Again, it must be emphasized that

these points are just the main trends. All the

same, it is likely that an active bully will have

one or more of the following characteristics.

It has often been presumed that bullies are

anxious and unsure of themselves underneath

their tough surface. However, research finds that

bullies are characterized by either unusually low

or about average levels of anxiety and insecurity.

Their self-image is also about average or even

relatively positive.

Some bullies are popular, others are not.

A bully will often have a group of two or three

friends who provide him or her with support

and often join in the bullying. However, the

popularity of the bully lessens at the higher

class/grade levels.

Who Bullies? Fact:

They view violence

more favorably than

most students do.

They are good at talking

their way out of

difficult situations.

They appear to be

tough and show

little sympathy

toward students

who are bullied.

They find it

difficult to fit

in with rules.

They are often hottempered, impulsive,

and not very tolerant

of obstacles and

delays (frustrations).

Boys in this group are

often stronger than

their peers and,

in particular,

their victims.

They are often

aggressive toward

adults, both parents

and teachers.

IT HAS OFTEN BEEN THOUGHT THAT

BULLIES ARE ANXIOUS AND UNSURE

OF THEMSELVES UNDERNEATH THEIR

TOUGH SURFACE.

They have a marked

need to dominate

and suppress other

students, to assert

themselves by

means of force and

threats, and to get

their own way.
11

“The Real Story”

For 2 years, Sam, a quiet 13-year-old,

was a human plaything for some of his

classmates. The teenagers badgered Sam

for money, forced him to swallow weeds

and drink sour milk, beat him up in the

rest room, and tied a string around his

neck and led him around as a “pet.”

When Sam’s torturers were asked about

the bullying, they said they pursued

their victim because “it was fun.”
BULLYING MAY ALSO BE A GROUP PHENOMENON WITH PARTICULAR CHARACTERISTICS. This means

that there are a number of children and young people who may at times be involved in bullying, but who

would not usually take the initiative themselves. These are called passive bullies, henchmen, or

bystanders. The group of passive bullies is quite mixed and may include uncertain or anxious students.

Group Bullying

12

HENCHMEN

BULLIES

BYSTANDERS

Fact:
13

SOME OF THE MECHANISMS THAT MAY BE ACTIVE IN

GROUP BULLYING ARE:

Social contagion

Some students may be influenced to

take part in bullying if the student

leading the bullying is someone they

admire. Children or young people who

are themselves somewhat insecure

and who want to assert themselves

are mostly the ones who join in.

Weakening of

normal controls

If neither the teachers nor the other

students try to stop bullying, the bully

or bullies are rewarded through their

“victory” over their victim. This can

contribute to weakening the controls

against the aggressive tendencies of

neutral students and may contribute

to their participation in bullying.

Decreased sense of

individual responsibility

Social psychology notes that a person’s

sense of individual responsibility for a

negative action such as bullying may be

considerably reduced when several people

participate. In this way, students who are

usually nice, but easily influenced, can

at times take part in bullying without

particular misgivings.

Gradual changes in the

perception of the victim

of bullying

As a result of repeated attacks and

degrading comments, the victim will

gradually be perceived as a fairly

worthless person who almost “begs

to be beaten up.” This also results

in lesser feelings of guilt in those

who are taking part in the bullying

and may be part of the explanation

of why other students do not try to

stop the harassment of the victim.
14

FIRST:

You need to have frequent conversations

with your child or adolescent to ask about

what happens at school. Establishing a

relationship helps you keep the lines of

communication open and gives you a sense

of context for what your child or adolescent

experiences day-to-day.

SECOND:

If you get a note from your child’s school

saying that he or she is being bullied by the

other students, take it seriously. The problem

is, however, that you cannot always be sure

that the school/teachers will discover that

your child is having this sort of problem or

that they realize how serious a situation is.

Neither can you expect that your child will

necessarily talk about problems of this

nature to you. There can be various reasons

for this. Your child may feel that being bullied

is a personal defeat, or he or she may have

received threats from the bullies. The child

may have tried before to tell an adult about

the bullying and may not have been given

any real help. He or she may be afraid that

involving adults will make the bullying even

worse. Therefore, you must be particularly

sensitive to signs and changes in your child.

It is important that you do not try to

explain away your child’s problems and hope

that they will go away by themselves. It has

been clearly documented that bullying can

negatively impact a child’s formative years as

well as later adult life. Research suggests that

systematic bullying can leave deep psychological

scars which can lead to depressive attitudes

and a tendency toward negative self-image,

even years after the bullying has ended.

HOW DO I FIND OUT IF MY CHILD IS BEING

BULLIED?

Q&A
15

Comes home with

torn, dirty, or wet

clothes or damaged

books, or “loses”

things without being

able to give a proper

explanation of what

has happened.

Has bruises,

injuries, cuts, and

scratches and

cannot give a

credible explanation

for what caused them.

Does not bring

classmates home

and rarely

spends time

with classmates

after school.

Seems afraid or

unwilling to go to

school in the

morning.

Chooses an 

“illogical” route to

and from school.

Loses interest in

school and gets

poorer grades.

Seems unhappy,

downhearted,

depressed, or has

mood swings with

sudden outbursts of

irritation or anger.

Often has little

appetite,

headaches, or

stomach aches.

Sleeps restlessly

with nightmares

and possibly cries

in his/her sleep.

Steals or asks for

extra money from

members of the

family (to soften

up the bullies).

YOUR CHILD–

Q&A: What are the Warning Signs?

WARNING SIGNS
16

HOW DO I FIND OUT WHETHER MY CHILD IS

BULLYING?

IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO DISCOVER AND

to acknowledge that your own child is a bully.

Bullying other students is obviously not

something a child will talk about at home.

But if several of the points described under

“Who Bullies?” fit your child, you should take

this seriously and look more closely

into the matter.

Bullying can be seen as a part of a general

pattern of anti-social and rule-breaking

behavior. Children who are bullies during their

school years are at a much higher risk of later

becoming involved in crime, misuse of alcohol,

tobacco, and illegal drugs. If your child is bullying

others, it is important to break this pattern,

not just for the sake of the victim, but also for

your own child’s sake.

Q&A
17

Is aggressive, nasty,

spiteful, and generally

in opposition.

Has a marked need

to dominate or

manipulate others.

Seems to like to

insult, push around,

or tease other

children.

WARNING SIGNS

YOUR CHILD–

Who Bullies?
18

IF YOU SUSPECT OR IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOUR

child is being bullied by other students and

the school has not already informed you of the

situation, then it is important that you contact

the school immediately. Parents should have

the right to expect the school to take this

seriously and to investigate the facts in the

case. This will usually involve talks with you

and your child, with the suspected bully or

bullies and with other students in the class.

Also, if appropriate, talks with a number of

other parents (for example, the parents of the

bullies) who may have important information

to contribute.

Once the facts are on the table, a

detailed plan must be drawn up of how

you and the school together can put an end

to the bullying. 

PARENTS

What Can

Do?

PARENTS AND SCHOOLS SHOULD

TAKE “BULLYING” SERIOUSLY,

INVESTIGATE THE FACTS, AND

WORK TOGETHER FOR

A HEALTHY SOLUTION.
19

Although it is important that home and

school work together in cases of bullying, it must

be emphasized that the school should take the main

responsibility to initiate and coordinate the work

involved in counteracting bullying in school.

Some parents who have approached

schools with their worries and suspicions

about their child being bullied have had the

door closed in their faces with comments such

as “there isn’t any bullying at our school” or

“you are worrying about nothing.” If you are

reasonably sure that your child is being bullied,

a good starting point for taking up the situation

with the school can be to ask your child (along

with you, if it seems appropriate) to keep a

concise log book describing the incidents of

harassment or bullying—when they occurred,

who took part, and what was said and done.

Then you can make a more concrete presentation

when you contact the school. It can be a good

idea, too, to discuss the situation with the

parents of other children in the class. If they

have also reported problems with bullying, it

will, of course, be easier to urge the school to act. 

NOTE:

Additional information for how

schools can be involved in bullying

prevention programs is described

later in this booklet. Please read all

the information and share with your

school officials. 

PREVENT

BULLYING
20

SOMETIMES BULLIED STUDENTS DO NOT

want their parents to talk with school officials.

Victims often do not want to be the center of

attention and are afraid of getting the bully

into trouble by telling adults about what is

going on. In many cases, these children have

also been threatened with increased bullying if

they tell. Threats cause many victims of bullying

to suffer in silence or to pressure their parents

not to contact the school. 

In most cases, however, you are doing your

child a dis-service if you do not pursue the issue.

If your child will not agree to your suggestions

out of fear, you must still take responsibility for

sorting out the problem. Most bullied children

eventually feel a great sense of relief when the

situation finally comes out into the open. From

a long-term perspective, it is also detrimental to

the bullies when their behavior is overlooked. If

the situation is properly dealt with, the bully

will be helped, too.

Don’t Give Up! Parents:

MOST BULLIED CHILDREN

EVENTUALLY FEEL A GREAT

SENSE OF RELIEF WHEN THE

SITUATION FINALLY COMES OUT

INTO THE OPEN.
21

Let the School Arrange a Meeting

ONCE BULLYING HAS BEEN DISCOVERED,

the school should contact the parents of both

the victim(s) and the bullies to inform them

and to try to establish constructive cooperation.

Since a victim’s parents usually should not

contact the bully’s parents directly, the school

could arrange a meeting at which the students,

as well as their parents, are present. The aim

of such a meeting is to bring about a thorough

discussion of the situation and to arrive at a

concrete plan of action. If the bully has damaged

the victim’s clothes or other possessions, it

would be reasonable to bring up the question of

compensation. Another aim must be to try to

establish a collaboration with the parents of the

bully/ies and to get them to exert their influence

over their children in a purposeful way.

Many parents of students who bully others

have little idea of what their child has been

doing at school. When the situation is clarified

for them, a number of parents want to contribute

to bringing about positive changes. On the

other hand, some bullies’ parents try to play down

the problems and generally take a defensive

stand. They may not even come to meetings

designed to address the problem. Even if it is

not possible to establish any reasonably positive

communication with some parents, a serious

attempt to do so must still be made. In any

case, the bully’s parents must be kept informed

about the situation.

The initial meeting should not be a onetime event. It should be followed up with more

meetings so that the development of the situation

can be further evaluated and information can

be exchanged between parents and teachers.

It is, of course, also important to check that

any decisions that have been made are being

put into action. Under favorable circumstances,

relatively positive relations can develop between

the parents of bullies and the parents of the

victim. This can be an important step in putting

an end to the bullying.

Sometimes, however, it is clear in advance that

the relationship between the bullies’ and the

victim’s families is tense and hostile. In such

situations, it is sensible to hold meetings with

one family at a time before possibly arranging a

joint meeting, and it may be necessary to involve

the school social worker, counselor, or psychologist.

MANY PARENTS OF

STUDENTS WHO BULLY

OTHERS HAVE LITTLE

IDEA OF WHAT THEIR

CHILD HAS BEEN DOING

AT SCHOOL.

Parents:
22

ONE THING MUST BE MADE ABSOLUTELY

clear when an attempt is being made to resolve

a bullying situation—the victim of bullying

must be guaranteed effective protection. Close

follow-up is needed until the danger of new

attempts at bullying has passed. Teachers

and school administrators have a special

responsibility to safeguard the victim at school.

The bullied student must be able to trust that

the adults are both willing and capable of 

providing the help he or she needs. If bullying

problems are taken up in class in a rushed

or casual manner, without ensuring that the

victim is given solid protection against further

harassment, the situation will almost always

become worse. In order to provide the bullied

student with sufficient security, close cooperation

and frequent exchange of information is

usually needed between the school and the

student’s family.

Parents: Make Sure the Bullied Child Gets Effective Protection
23

Having a child who is bullied means seeing your child become an

outcast, frozen out, and completely isolated. Most of what you read

is about bullies and victims who are boys. Bullying is also found

among girls, but it is not so obvious from the outside. It is not

usually a matter of damaged clothes or bruised arms and legs.

Bullying among girls bypasses physical pain and goes right into

the soul. Bullying among girls is less concrete or visible.

How can I as a mother, accuse the girls bullying my 14-year-old

daughter for having stopped phoning, for not saying hello, for

speaking badly of her behind her back, for changing places in the

classroom, for always commenting on and making fun of what she

says, etc. Nothing they do (or don’t do) is against the rules.

As a mother, I have a great sense of grief and helplessness in

the face of what my daughter has to go through. In desperation, I

have tried to talk to the mothers of two of my daughter’s previous

friends. It wasn’t particularly helpful; some parents just can’t

accept that their children are criticized by outsiders. They defend

their children at any cost, no matter how ridiculous this may be.

I wouldn’t wish the grief and helplessness I feel on any parents,

but I wish you and your children could actually feel just for a

short time what my daughter and our family have had to live with

for the last 6 months or so. Then perhaps you would understand. 

Signed: Despairing Mother
24

What Can You Do If Your Child Is A Victim?

MANY STUDENTS WHO BECOME VICTIMS OF

bullying would probably develop quite normally if

they did not have to face aggressive fellow students.

An essential part of counter-acting bullying in

school is to stop or change the bullies’ and their

accomplices’ behavior. The parents of children

who are victims of bullying should not view

bullying as an unavoidable part of growing up. 

At the same time, it is also clear that many

victims of bullying are unsure of themselves

and somewhat anxious by nature, with relatively

low self-confidence and few or no friends. So in

some cases, it may be sensible for you to try to

help your child adapt better to school life and

other environments—maybe regardless of the

actual bullying situation.

THE PARENTS OF CHILDREN WHO ARE

VICTIMS OF BULLYING SHOULD NOT

VIEW BULLYING AS AN UNAVOIDABLE

PART OF GROWING UP.

Parents:
25

Help your child strengthen

his or her self-confidence,

for example, by stimulating

the development of any

talents or positive qualities.

Help your child join other

groups of children of the

same age (who preferably are

not in the same class at

school) in sports, music, or

other leisure time activities.

Physical training in particular,

if your child has the interest

or ability, results in the child

“giving out different signals”

to those around him or her.

Encourage your child to make

contact with (and perhaps

bring home) a friendly student

from the same class, or from

another class. As socially

excluded children often lack

relationship-making skills, it is

important that you, or perhaps

the school counselor, help your

child with concrete advice on

how to go about making

friends with peers.

It is important that you

consistently support your

child’s contacts and activity

outside of the family. Try to

avoid being over-protective,

but keep an eye on what is

going on and arrange

situations that can bring

about positive development.

Sometimes a child (especially

the provocative victim of

bullying) behaves in a way

that irritates and provokes

those around him or her. In

such cases, you have the task

of carefully, but firmly and

consistently, helping your

child find more suitable ways

of reacting and interacting in

friendship groups.

If your child exhibits some

hyperactivity, it may be 

necessary to get extra

help from a mental

health professional.

STEPS YOU CAN TAKE
26

YOU WILL NEED TO WORK CLOSELY WITH

the school to resolve the situation. Being

informed by the school or another source that

your child is bullying other students may be a

difficult fact to face. Making excuses and

playing down your child’s behavior will not

help him or her. On the contrary, you should

act quickly for the sake of the victim and for

your own child’s future. As mentioned earlier,

children who are aggressive toward their peers

are at high risk for what is known as anti-social

development, including criminality and misuse

of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs at a later

stage in their lives. It is, therefore, important

to take time now to guide your child on to

positive paths.

What Can You Do If Your Child Is a Bully?

STEPS

YOU

CAN

TAKE

YOU SHOULD ACT QUICKLY

FOR THE SAKE OF THE

VICTIM AND FOR YOUR OWN

CHILD’S FUTURE.

Make it quite clear that

you take bullying seriously

and will not accept the

continuation of this behavior.

If both you and the school

show consistently negative

reactions to the child’s

bullying, the chances that

your child will change are

increased.

Try to set up some simple

rules for family interactions.

Whenever your child follows

the rules, praise him or

her. If your child breaks

the rules, consistently

enforce some kind of

negative consequence (for

example, the withholding

of allowance or other

benefits/privileges).

Parents:
MAKING EXCUSES AND PLAYING

DOWN YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR

WILL NOT HELP HIM OR HER.

27

Spend 15 minutes or

more of quality time with

your child every day. Gain

thorough knowledge into

who he or she is spending

time with and what they

are doing. It is easier for

children or young people to

change their aggressive

behavior if they feel they

are reasonably well liked

and listened to by their

parents/caregivers.

Help your child use his or

her energy and need to

dominate in a more positive

way, for example, by

encouraging him or her to

participate in a sport like

basketball or soccer, in

which one must play by the

rules. Explore any particular

talents your child may

have that can be further

developed to enhance his

or her self-esteem.

If these kinds of measures,

and the plan that has been

set up with the school, have

not resulted in noticeable

changes in your child’s

behavior after some time,

then you should get in touch

with a mental health

professional for more help.
28

Bullying in schools is not a problem that

can be solved once and for all. Therefore,

schools should maintain constant readiness to

counteract any tendencies toward bullying in

the school environment. This can best be

achieved by having a good bullying prevention

program as a standard element in the school

environment. Although there are other antibullying programs available, the most noted

program is the one developed in Norway by

Dr. Dan Olweus at the University of Bergen. 

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program has

been used and evaluated in large-scale studies

with quite positive results in several countries,

including the United States, and it has a

strong research base.

The following are core elements of the

Olweus program that you might want to

consider when requesting, promoting,

implementing, and evaluating a bullying

prevention program in your school.

What Can Schools Do?

SCHOOLS SHOULD MAINTAIN

CONSTANT READINESS TO

COUNTERACT ANY TENDENCIES

TOWARD BULLYING IN THE

SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT.
A Model Bullying Prevention Program

What helps make the Olweus program a model is that it builds on a few key principles that

have been found to be important in research on the development and modification of problem

behavior, especially aggressive behavior, like bullying.

First, it is important to

create both a school and home

environment characterized by

warmth, positive interest, and

involvement with adults. 

Second, firm limits against

unacceptable behavior need

to be established. 

Third, non-physical, nonhostile negative consequences

(sanctions) must be applied if

a youth breaks the rules that

have been agreed upon. 

Fourth, it is expected that the

adults in the school and at home

act as authorities, at least in

some respects. The program is

based on an authoritative (not

authoritarian) model for the

relationship between adults

and children, where teachers

are expected to be authorities

with responsibility for the

students’ total situation, not

just their learning.

PRINCIPLES AND CHARACTERISTICS

For

additional information

www.modelprograms.samhsa.gov

29
Develop clear rules against bullying.

The following rules have proven to be

very useful:

Increase awareness and knowledge of

problems related to bullying as well as

dispel a number of myths about the

causes of bullying.

The use of the Olweus Bully/Victim

Questionnaire in an anonymous survey is an

important step toward the acquisition of more

concrete information about the occurrence and

forms of the problem in the individual school.

Get teachers and parents actively

involved. 

This means that the adults must take

responsibility for controlling what is going on

among the students in the school, at least to a

certain extent. One aspect of this is organizing

good supervision of break times. Furthermore,

teachers are encouraged to intervene in situations

that arouse suspicion and to give a clear message

to the students: We will not accept bullying in

our school, and we will make sure it’s stopped.

Teachers should initiate serious discussions with

victims of bullying, bullies, and their parents if

a problem has been identified or is suspected.

Parents and teachers must closely follow up and

monitor the measures taken. Otherwise, the

situation of the victim can easily decline from

“bad to worse.”

We will try to

help students

who are bullied.

We will make

it a point to

include students

who become

easily left out.

When we know

somebody is

being bullied,

we will tell a

teacher and an

adult at home.

These rules can provide the basis for class

discussions about what bullying is and what

negative consequences should be put into effect

when students break the rules. Regular class

meetings are a good forum for evaluating how

students relate to the set rules and whether the

planned measures are working. It is important

that the teacher enforce the rules consistently

and also give plenty of praise when the rules

are followed.

2

3

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program

Subgoals

1

We will not bully

other students.

30
31

General Prerequisites

 Awareness and involvement on the part

of adults

Measures at the School Level

 Questionnaire survey (answered

anonymously by the students)

 Improved supervision of break time

 School conference day

 Establishment of one or more teacher

discussion groups (at each school)

 Formation of a coordinating group

Measures at the Classroom Level

 Class (or school-wide) rules against

bullying

 Regular class meetings (teacher and

students)

 Class parent/teacher meetings

Measures at the Individual Level

 Individual meetings with children who

bully

 Individual meetings with children who

are targets of bullying

 Teacher and parent use of

imagination to help solve the problem.

Olweus Bullying Prevention Program

Key Components

Provide support and effective

protection to the victim.

If the rules are followed, students who

are easily bullied usually are provided

reasonably good protection. In addition,

the teacher can enlist “neutral” or “welladjusted” students in different ways to

improve the situation for victims of 

bullying. The teacher can use his or her

imagination to help bullied students

stand up for themselves in appropriate

ways and make themselves useful and

valuable in their classmates’ eyes. The

parents of bullied children can motivate

them to make new friends and show them

how to get to know others and how to

maintain good relationships with friends.

Even though many of the measures

in this school-based program do not directly

involve parents, parents should know that

this kind of intervention program exists

and that it works. This bullying prevention

program does not require large-scale

investments of time or money. It is first

and foremost a question of the attitudes,

behaviors, and routines of the teachers

and school administrators. A dramatic

reduction in the extent of bullying can be

achieved with a relatively simple, but

carefully developed bullying prevention

program.

4
32

Commitment

Time It’s

to Make a
33

How much bullying takes

place in our schools and

other youth environments

depends on the role that

committed adults will play in

their schools, their families,

and their communities.
34

Melton, G. B., Limber, S. P., Cunningham,

P., Osgood, D. W., Chambers, J., Flerx, V.,

(1998). Prevalence of Bullying: The South

Carolina Report.

Henggeler, S., and Nation, M. (1998).

Violence among rural youth. Final report

to the Office of Juvenile Justice and

Delinquency Prevention.

Nansel, T. R., Overpeck, M., Pilla, R. S.,

Ruan, W. J., Simons-Morton, B., and

Scheidt, P. (2001). Bullying behaviors

among U.S. youth: Prevalence and

association with psychosocial adjustment.

Journal of the American Medical

Association, 285, 2094–2100.

Olweus, D. (1991). Bully/victim problems

among schoolchildren: Basic facts and

effects of a school-based intervention

program. In D. Pepler & K. Rubin (Eds.),

The development and treatment of childhood aggression. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Olweus, D. (1993a). Bullying at school:

What we know and what we can do.

Cambridge, MA: Blackwell. (Can be

ordered from Blackwell, c/o AIDC,

P. O. Box 20, Williston, VT 05495,

USA; phone: 1-800-216-2522.)

Olweus, D. (1993b). Victimization by peers:

Antecedents and long-term outcomes. In

K. H. Rubin & J. B. Asendorf (Eds.),

Social withdrawal, inhibition and shyness

in childhood. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Olweus, D. (1994). Annotation: Bullying at

School: Basic facts and effects of a schoolbased intervention program. Journal of

Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 35,

1171–1190.

Olweus, D. (2001). Olweus’ core program

against bullying and antisocial behavior:

A teacher handbook. Bergen, Norway:

Research Center for Health Promotion

(The HEMIL Center).

Olweus, D., and Limber, S. (1999).

Blueprints for violence prevention:

Bullying Prevention Program. Boulder,

CO: University of Colorado, Institute of

Behavioral Science. Available online at

www.colorado.edu/cspv/blueprints.

References
35

Let your child feel he or she

is important. Children have

a great need to feel they are

important to their parents.

Children grow on love and

challenges.

Do not frighten your child

unnecessarily. Sometimes you

may need to scare your child

to keep him or her away from

dangerous situations, but children

should not be scared into

obedience. Spare your child

upsetting knowledge about

things he or she cannot do

anything about. Laugh with and not at your

child. Children are proud

and can be deeply hurt when

they feel you are making fun

of them. Laugh with your

child; humor is positive. Praise your child frequently.

Encouragement and kind words

motivate a child to cooperate.

Positive support strengthens

the child’s self-image and

creates an enthusiastic spirit.

When new challenges arise,

your child will be able to

meet them confidently.

Remember that you are a role

model for your child. Your

child is bonded with you in the

deepest love and admiration.

That is why he or she wants

to be like you, at least when

he or she is young. Whatever

you do, your child will do.

Whatever you say or believe,

your child will repeat.

Do not give in to your child to

avoid conflict. Children feel

more secure when they have

limits set for them in their

everyday life, but they often

cannot refrain from testing

their limits. 

Keep the agreements you make

with your children. Children feel

helpless if you break agreements

without good reason. If your

child isn’t sure whether he or

she can rely on you, whom

can he or she rely on?

Remember that what you

do today contributes to

forming the future.

COMMON SENSE

RULES FOR PARENTS

MUCH RESEARCH ON FAMILY CONDITIONS AND THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN HAS LED

TO THIS IMPORTANT CONCLUSION:

A lot of love and involvement from the people bringing up children, clear limits for what

behavior is allowed and not allowed, as well as the use of nonviolent methods of upbringing,

creates non-aggressive, harmonious, and independent children.

Here are some common sense rules for parents/caregivers who want to help children

have a positive childhood.
LOCAL INFORMATION

1-800-789-2647

www.samhsa.gov

www.modelprograms.samhsa.gov

CMHS-SVP-0052 – “Bullying Is Not A Fact of Life”

Call for additional 15+ information

CMHS-SVP-0051 – “Bullying Prevention Conversation Cards”

CMHS-SVP-0056 – “Take Action Against Bullying”

Printed 2003