AFTER SUDDEN 

I D

Facing 

Anniversaries, Holidays, 

and Special Events 

NFANT EATH 

U.S. Department of Health and Human Servi

Health Resources and Services Administratio

Maternal and Child Health Bureau 
Light a candle for ho

for remembran

No matter where you a

or which holiday it is for y

light a candle for lo

it is the greatest light of 

— Darcie Sims and Andrea Gam

This document was developed by the U.S. Depart

Health and Human Services, Health Resources an

Administration (www.hrsa.gov), Maternal and Ch

Bureau under a contract with the National Sudde

Syndrome (SIDS)/Infant Death Resource Center, 

[NIH IDIQ-263-01-D-0208]. The National SIDS/

Resource Center is operated by Circle Solutions, I

Revised 2005


National SIDS/Infant Death Resource Center (NS

8280 Greensboro Drive, Suite 300


McLean, VA 22102 


(703) 821-8955


(866) 866-7437 (toll-free)


(703) 821-2098 (fax)


sids@circlesolutions.com (e-mail)


www.sidscenter.org (Web site)

Now it’s hard 

to go down the baby food aisle at the super

to drive around town and find out that life 

to walk up on someone sleeping 

to see pregnant women 

to see ambulances 

to see small babies 

to see little girls 

to hear babies cry 

to hear sirens 

to get through the holidays 

to get through birthdays 

to get through the first day of school 

to get through the day... 

Printed with permission from: 

We Bring Her Flowers, 

poems by Sharon A. Dunn 
This booklet is dedicated to parents who h

experienced the painful times during annive

holidays, and special events after losing thei

to a sudden, unexpected infant death. 

The sudden death of your baby is a shock for 

family, and your friends. Every detail of what 

plays over and over in your mind. The loss hu

inside, and sometimes you can’t stand the pain

to believe that your baby is dead. You dearly w

baby back. Grieving can be very personal and 

Facing anniversaries, holidays, and special eve

painful fact of life after your baby has died. Th

occasions often test already fragile and weaken

The quotes by Sims and Gambill are taken from Tinsel and Te

Bereavement Publishing Inc., 5125 North Union Boulevard, 

Colorado Springs, CO 80918. 

2 
Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is thdeath of a baby under 1 year of age that ca

explained even after an autopsy, a thorough in

of the scene of death, and a review of the case 

one understands why some babies die like this

doctors and scientists. 

There are some things that are known about S

 There is no way to tell when SIDS will hap

are no medical tests to detect it. 

 It is sudden and silent—the infant was seem

healthy. 

 Most SIDS babies die while apparently asle

 The baby does not cry out. Death happens 

and the baby does not suffer. 

 It is a diagnosis after every other possible c

been considered. 

 No one is to blame for the baby’s death. 

Researchers who study SIDS think that some b

problems that doctors and medical tests still c

These problems cause babies to die suddenly, 

they do not seem sick. SIDS is very hard for p

even professionals to understand. 

Light a special candle—not 

a death, but in celebration of 

— Darcie Sims and A
You are among the mothers, fathers, familifriends of over 2,000 babies who die each 

SIDS. You are not alone in feeling confused an

in trying to live without your baby. Difficult d

rule your life for a long time, and many unans

questions will remain. 

You try to piece together clues, signs, or reaso

healthy baby died. You talk to other people ab

baby and about SIDS. You may find this hard 

Losing track of time and being unable to perf

activities are normal after a baby dies. The dai

changes in a lot of ways. Regular activities suc

grocery shopping or visits with friends or fam

more difficult. 

After a while, you will probably resume some 

usual activities. But you also may decide that s

activities are too painful, such as visiting frien

children and seeing them at play. Take your tim

what is comfortable for you. 

Facing a

holiday

4 
Families observe cultural and religious tradoccasions such as reunions, weddings, grad

and anniversaries. 

During the days and weeks after the baby dies

be special events that will certainly be differen

your baby. You will face celebrations that focu

of children such as Christmas, Mother’s Day, F

and Halloween. Holiday reminders will be all 

in the stores, on television, and in newspapers 

magazines. 

Holidays and special events are reminders tha

around you. You will be torn between how ho

festive occasions are normally celebrated and 

going to celebrate them without your baby. Yo

anxious, sad, and empty and may long to have 

be a part of the special times that usually invo

whole family. 

Some people may not understand your need t

and remember your baby at these times becau

you to “get on with your life.” You may want t

the loss of your baby to SIDS for a long time. 

not mean that you are not recovering and cop

death. 
The first year after your baby’s death is very your baby’s first birthday and the anniver

or her death may also be very difficult. 

Even if you seem better, the sadness and pain 

It will be hard to be around other children, es

babies. These are normal feelings. 

It is OK to celebrate and enjoy these times. It 

laugh and cry at the same time. You can go fro

to crying very quickly. 

Other children in your family will need help d

holidays to celebrate as they have in the past o

understand why things are different. 

W

pa

6 
Some parents... 

Choose to celebrate and participate in these o

they always have in the past, but find it is a str

Sometimes they even avoid talking about the b

died. 

Choose to do completely different things duri

holidays and special events. They may not par

any of the usual activities or traditions. 

Try to balance their participation in holiday a

cope with the pain and sadness of missing the

These are difficult and personal choices. 

Remember... 

What you and your family decide to do for an

during the holidays, or for special events is yo

Your participation in these events may be very 

during the first year or so. After a while, you m

to normal activities or permanently change ho

remember some holidays and special occasion

Celebrating holidays and special events will re

cultural background and traditions. It is impo

to value these traditions because they are part 

during happy and sad times. 
Families gather for both sad and happy occtimes and sad times often bring families cl

Holidays, weddings, graduations, and reunion

for celebration. Everyone is expected to be hap

and friends want you to join in as you have in 

Family and friends usually provide the most c

listen to you as you try to cope with your loss

the closest of relatives and friends cannot com

understand the hurt that you feel. 

Friends and relatives want... 

To take your pain away...to offer you hope fo

times...to see you “back to normal again”...to 

“forget about what happened.” 

But... 

No one can take your pain away...there will b

times, but they will be different without your 

life does not feel like it will ever be “normal” a

will never forget your baby. 

Talking 

8 
I

t is hard to understand how babies can die f

apparent reason. Explaining SIDS to others 

Sometimes it is helpful for a close friend or re

provide information to others for you. 

Sometimes people have wrong ideas about SID

not caused by smothering, choking, infections

People may say things that are not true. Some 

give you information that has not been proven 

the death of your baby to another death they 

They offer many types of information in the h

helping you feel better. 

Others may ask questions and make comment

baby. Sometimes their remarks will make you 

did something wrong or that you did not take 

of your baby. 

Remember... 

You did not do anything wrong to cause your 

There was nothing you could have done. 
As you approach an anniversary, holiday, oevent, do something to remember your b

help ease your anxiety. Thinking about how y

to handle such an occasion is often worse than 

event. For example, having a memorial service 

the cemetery before the occasion might comfo

Realize that sadness and confusion may remai

during these times. Feelings of anger, pain, an

control do not necessarily mean that you are n

recovering from the loss. 

Make changes in the way you celebrate holida

special events. These changes may be tempora

permanent. 

Take care to remember that other children and 

members will want to continue to celebrate th

as usual. 

Start a new tradition in memory of your baby

Talk or write to other parents whose baby has 

out how they have coped with the special occa

Celebrating the 

does not mean for

10 
The memories you have of anniversaries, hspecial events are of celebrations and fam

together. Now you face these times feeling em

your baby. You have a different outlook about 

occasions and may have images of how you w

shared the moments with your baby. 

While sadness will remain with you forever, th

of your baby are some of the most important 

you will have. You can treasure them. You can 

with others. 

Family and friends often feel they will cause y

by talking about your baby. Let them know if 

talk, and together you can build memories. 

As time passes, happy memories of your baby 

gradually replace the sad ones, and you will be 

laugh again. 

What we have once 

deeply loved we can nev

that we love deeply becomes 

— 
Contact 

The National SIDS/Infant Death Resource C

(NSIDRC) 

8280 Greensboro Drive, Suite 300


McLean, VA 22102


(703) 821-8955


(866) 866-7437 (toll-free)


(703) 821-2098 (fax)


sids@circlesolutions.com (e-mail)


www.sidscenter.org (Web site)


Publications 

The publications listed below are available free 

from the NSIDRC. 

Fact Sheet: What Is SIDS? 

Fact Sheet: Parents and the Grieving Process 

Selected Resources for Grieving Parents, Their 

Friends, and Other Caregivers 

12 
Other Organizations 

The following organizations may be helpful sou

information on coping with a SIDS death or oth

loss. Every effort is made to ensure that the deta

entry are as current as possible. 

Alliance of Grandparents A Support in Trage

P.O. Box 271386


Salt Lake City, UT 84127-1386


(888) 774-7437 (toll-free)


reachout@agast.org (e-mail)


www.agast.org (Web site)


Association of SIDS and Infant Mortality Pro

8280 Greensboro Drive, Suite 300


McLean, VA 22102


(800) 930-7437 (toll-free)


(703) 902-1320 (fax)


info@sidsprojectimpact.com (e-mail)


www.asip1.org (Web site)


Centering Corporation 

7230 Maple Street 

Omaha, NE 68134 

(402) 553-1200 

(402) 553-0507 (fax) 

centering@centering.org (e-mail) 

www.centering.org (Web site) 
CJ Foundation for SIDS 

The Don Imus-WFAN Pediatric Center 

Hackensack University Medical Center 

30 Prospect Avenue 

Hackensack, NJ 07601 

(201) 996-5111 

(201) 996-5326 (fax) 

(888) 825-7437 (toll-free) 

www.cjsids.com (Web site) 

The Compassionate Friends 

National Office 

P.O. Box 3696


Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696


(630) 990-0010


(877) 969-0010 (toll-free) 


(630) 990-0246 (fax)


nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.com (e-

www.compassionatefriends.org (Web site)


First Candle/SIDS Alliance 

1314 Bedford Avenue, Suite 210


Baltimore, MD 21208


(410) 653-8226


(800) 221-7437 (toll-free)


(410) 653-8709 (fax)


info@firstcandle.org (e-mail)


www.firstcandle.org (Web site)


National SIDS/Infant Death Program Suppo

1314 Bedford Avenue, Suite 210


Baltimore, MD 21208


(410) 415-6628


(800) 638-7437 (toll-free)


(410) 415-5093 (fax)


kathleen.graham@firstcandle.org (e-mail)


www.firstcandle.org/health/health_human.htm

14 
International Stillbirth Alliance 

1427 Potter Road 

Park Ridge, IL 60068 

info@stillbirthalliance.org (e-mail) 

www.stillbirthalliance.org (Web site) 

M.I.S.S. Foundation 

P.O. Box 5333 

Peoria, AZ 85385-5333 

(623) 979-1000 

(623) 979-1001 (fax) 

info@missfoundation.org (e-mail) 

www.missfoundation.org (Web site) 

National Center for Cultural Competence (N

SIDS/ID Project 

Georgetown University Center for Child and H

Development 

3307 M Street, N.W., Suite 401 

Washington, DC 20007 

(800) 788-2066 (toll-free) 

(202) 687-8899 (fax) 

cultural@georgetown.edu (e-mail) 

www.gucdc.georgetown.edu/nccc (Web site) 

National SIDS and Infant Death Project IMP

(Infant Mortality and Communication Tools)

8280 Greensboro Drive, Suite 300


McLean, VA 22102


(703) 902-1260


(800) 930-7437 (toll-free)


(703) 902-1320 (fax)


info@sidsprojectimpact.com (e-mail)


www.sidsprojectimpact.com (Web site)

SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, 

St. Joseph Health Center 

300 First Capitol Drive 

St. Charles, MO 63301-2893 

(636) 947-6164 

(800) 821-6819 (toll-free) 

(636) 947-7486 (fax) 

share@nationalshareoffice.com (e-mail) 

www.nationalshareoffice.com (Web site) 

SIDS Educational Services, Inc. 

2905 64th Avenue


Cheverly, MD 20785


(301) 322-2620


(877) 935-6839 (toll-free)


(301) 322-9822 (fax)


sidses@aol.com (e-mail)


www.sidssurvivalguide.org (Web site)


SIDS Network, Inc. 

P.O. Box 520


Ledyard, CT 06339


(860) 892-7042 (toll-free)


(860) 887-7309 (fax)


sidsnet1@sids-network.org (e-mail)


www.sids-network.org (Web site)


16 

2005 

U.S. Department of Health and Human Service

Health Resources and Services Administration 

Maternal and Child Health Bureau 

National SIDS/Infant Death Resource Center 

www.hrsa.gov