How 

and 

Can Help 

You Be a 

Successful 

Parent 

National Institute of 

Child Health and 

Human Development 

National Institutes 

of Health 
Dear Fellow Parent, 

As parents, we have the most important job in the world. There is 

nothing we do in our lifetimes that is more significant than how we raise 

our children. It’s a challenging, full-time job that lasts throughout our 

lives, no matter how old our children get. While parenting presents us with 

struggles and trials, it also offers us many rewards. Those rewards, too, 

can last through our lives. 

This booklet addresses certain struggles and trials of parenting and 

highlights some of its many rewards. The information is based on decades 

of research on parenting, as well as the experiences of actual parents and 

experts in parenting. The booklet is designed for parents of every 

background, from first-time parents to grandparents, so that any one who 

interacts with children can benefit from this valuable information. 

Parenting is not only vital to our present, but also to our future, as our 

children themselves become parents. Raising children is an adventure, 

full of surprises and changes. I hope that this information helps you to shape 

your own parenting practices and beliefs, as you embark on your own 

parenting adventure. 

Sincerely yours, 

Duane Alexander, MD 


Director
 

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development
 
Dear Fellow Parent,

As parents, we have the most important job in the world. There is 

nothing we do in our lifetimes that is more significant than how we raise

our children. It’s a challenging, full-time job that lasts throughout our 

lives, no matter how old our children get. While parenting presents us with

struggles and trials, it also offers us many rewards. Those rewards, too,

can last through our lives.

This booklet addresses certain struggles and trials of parenting and 

highlights some of its many rewards. The information is based on decades 

of research on parenting, as well as the experiences of actual parents and

experts in parenting. The booklet is designed for parents of every 

background, from first-time parents to grandparents, so that any one who

interacts with children can benefit from this valuable information.

Parenting is not only vital to our present, but also to our future, as our 

children themselves become parents. Raising children is an adventure,

full of surprises and changes. I hope that this information helps you to shape

your own parenting practices and beliefs, as you embark on your own 

parenting adventure.

Sincerely yours,

Duane Alexander, MD 

Director

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development


A Adventures in parenting 

Have you heard the latest advice about parenting? 

Of course you have. From experts to other parents, people are always 

ready to give you parenting advice. Parenting tips, parents’ survival guides, 

dos, don’ts, shoulds, and shouldn’ts —new ones come out every day. 

But with so much information available, how can anyone figure out what 

really works? How do you know whose advice to follow? Isn’t parenting just 

common sense anyway? How can the experts know what it’s like to be 

a parent in a real house? 

What’s a parent to do? 

Try RPM3—a no-frills approach to parenting from the National Institute 

of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD). 

For over 30 years, the NICHD has conducted and supported research 

in parenting and child development. We’ve talked to experts, parents, 

and children. We’ve collected statistics, identified myths, Parents and tested suggestions. The result is RPM3. 

do 

matter. The RPM3 guidelines aren’t meant to be just another 

parenting “how to,” telling you what to do. Instead, RPM3 

separates the useful information from the not-so-useful so that you can 

make your own decisions about parenting. RPM3 does more than tell 

stories about what people think about parenting, it incorporates 30 years 

of NICHD research to tell you what really works. 

RPM3 confirms something that you already know: parents do matter. 

You matter. Read on to find out just how much... 

■ 

2 
Adventures in parenting

Have you heard the latest advice about parenting? 

Of course you have. From experts to other parents, people are always 

ready to give you parenting advice. Parenting tips, parents’ survival guides,

dos, don’ts, shoulds, and shouldn’ts—new ones come out every day.

But with so much information available, how can anyone figure out what

really works? How do you know whose advice to follow? Isn’t parenting just

common sense anyway? How can the experts know what it’s like to be 

a parent in a real house? 

What’s a parent to do?

Try RPM3—a no-frills approach to parenting from the National Institute 

of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD).

For over 30 years, the NICHD has conducted and supported research 

in parenting and child development. We’ve talked to experts, parents,

and children. We’ve collected statistics, identified myths,

and tested suggestions. The result is RPM3.

The RPM3 guidelines aren’t meant to be just another 

parenting “how to,” telling you what to do. Instead, RPM3

separates the useful information from the not-so-useful so that you can 

make your own decisions about parenting. RPM3 does more than tell 

stories about what people think about parenting, it incorporates 30 years 

of NICHD research to tell you what really works.

RPM3 confirms something that you already know: parents do matter.

You matter. Read on to find out just how much...

2

■

Parents

do 

matter.

A
By including responding, preventing, monitoring, mentoring, and 

modeling in your day-to-day parenting activities, you can become a more 

effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent. 

Once you have learned about each RPM3 guideline, go to the section 

that describes your child’s age to see how some parents use these guidelines 

in their everyday parenting. Think about steps you can take to use these 

guidelines and ideas in your own day-to-day parenting. 

Being a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent is a choice 

that only you can make. 

Keep in mind... 

As you learn about the RPM3 guidelines and read the examples, remember 

that responding, preventing, monitoring, mentoring, and modeling have their 

place in parenting every child—including those children with special or 

different needs. 

All children—be they mentally challenged, mentally gifted, physically 

challenged, physically gifted, or some combination of these—can benefit 

from the guidelines in RPM3. The children described in the booklet’s 

examples might be in wheelchairs; they could have leukemia or asthma; they 

may take college level courses; or they might be in special classes for kids 

with attention deficit disorder. 

The stories don’t specifically mention these traits because all kids need 

day-to-day parenting, including those in special situations. The guidelines 

presented in RPM3 focus on how to handle day-to-day parenting choices, 

in which a child’s abilities or disabilities are not the most important 

factors. The booklet’s examples also apply to families of any culture, religion, 

living arrangement, economic status, and size. They address situations that 

all families experience, even if the specific family details are slightly different. 

Let’s begin by learning the lessons that RPM3 has to teach, starting with the 

R— Responding to your child in an appropriate manner. 

■ 

4 
By including responding, preventing, monitoring, mentoring, and 

modeling in your day-to-day parenting activities, you can become a more

effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent.

Once you have learned about each RPM3 guideline, go to the section 

that describes your child’s age to see how some parents use these guidelines

in their everyday parenting. Think about steps you can take to use these

guidelines and ideas in your own day-to-day parenting.

Being a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent is a choice 

that only you can make.

Keep in mind...

As you learn about the RPM3 guidelines and read the examples, remember

that responding, preventing, monitoring, mentoring, and modeling have their

place in parenting every child—including those children with special or 

different needs.

All children—be they mentally challenged, mentally gifted, physically 

challenged, physically gifted, or some combination of these—can benefit

from the guidelines in RPM3. The children described in the booklet’s 

examples might be in wheelchairs; they could have leukemia or asthma; they

may take college level courses; or they might be in special classes for kids

with attention deficit disorder.

The stories don’t specifically mention these traits because all kids need 

day-to-day parenting, including those in special situations. The guidelines

presented in RPM3 focus on how to handle day-to-day parenting choices,

in which a child’s abilities or disabilities are not the most important 

factors. The booklet’s examples also apply to families of any culture, religion,

living arrangement, economic status, and size. They address situations that 

all families experience, even if the specific family details are slightly different.

Let’s begin by learning the lessons that RPM3 has to teach, starting with the

R— Responding to your child in an appropriate manner.

4

■
What is an appropriate response? 

An appropriate response is one that fits the situation. Both your child’s age 

and the specific facts of the occasion are important in deciding what a fitting 

response is. For example, a fitting response for a baby who is crying differs 

from a fitting response for a four-year-old or a 10-year-old who is crying. 

A fitting response for an instance in which a child is running depends on 

whether that child is running into a busy street or running to the swing set 

on the playground.Your child’s physical or emotional needs may also shape 

your decision about a fitting response. 

Responding to your child 

in an appropriate manner 

allows you to: 

■ Think about all the options 

before you make a decision. 

This will help you choose the 

best way to get from the current 

situation to the outcome that 

you want. By taking time to see 

a problem from many sides, for 

instance, you are more likely 

to choose the most fitting response. 

For situations that happen often, 

your well-thought-out response 

can become almost automatic, like 

picking up a crying baby. 

■ Answer some basic questions: 

Do your words get across what you 

are trying to say? Do your actions 

match your words? Are your 

emotions getting in the way of your 

decision-making? Do you know 

the reasons for your child’s actions 

or behavior? 

Did you know...? 

Parents do matter!1 

Of all the things that 

influence your child’s 

growth and development, 

one of the most important 

is the reliable, responsive, 

and sensitive care your 

child gets from you. 

You play a key role in 

your child’s development, 

along with your child’s 

intelligence, temperament, 

outside stresses, and 

social environment. 

■ 

6 
What is an appropriate response?

An appropriate response is one that fits the situation. Both your child’s age

and the specific facts of the occasion are important in deciding what a fitting

response is. For example, a fitting response for a baby who is crying differs

from a fitting response for a four-year-old or a 10-year-old who is crying.

A fitting response for an instance in which a child is running depends on

whether that child is running into a busy street or running to the swing set

on the playground.Your child’s physical or emotional needs may also shape

your decision about a fitting response.

Responding to your child 

in an appropriate manner 

allows you to: 

■ Think about all the options

before you make a decision.

This will help you choose the 

best way to get from the current 

situation to the outcome that 

you want. By taking time to see 

a problem from many sides, for

instance, you are more likely 

to choose the most fitting response.

For situations that happen often,

your well-thought-out response 

can become almost automatic, like

picking up a crying baby.

■ Answer some basic questions:

Do your words get across what you

are trying to say? Do your actions

match your words? Are your 

emotions getting in the way of your

decision-making? Do you know 

the reasons for your child’s actions 

or behavior?

6

■

Did you know...?

Parents do matter!1

Of all the things that 

influence your child’s

growth and development,

one of the most important

is the reliable, responsive,

and sensitive care your

child gets from you. 

You play a key role in 

your child’s development,

along with your child’s

intelligence, temperament,

outside stresses, and 

social environment.
P Preventing risky 

behavior or problems 

before they arise 

Seems easy enough. You “childproof ” your house to make sure your 

crawling baby or toddler can’t get into the cleaning products or electrical 

outlets. You catch your eight-year-old jumping on the bed and make her 

stop. You make your 12-year old wear his helmet when he rides his bike, 

no matter how “dumb” he thinks it makes him look. 

But prevention goes beyond just saying “no” or “stop.” There are two parts 

to prevention: 1) Spotting possible problems; and 2) Knowing how to work 

through the problem. Let’s look at each one a little closer. 

Spotting possible problems 

Consider these methods for spotting problems before they turn into 


full-blown crises:
 

■ Be actively involved in your child’s life. 

This is important for all parents, no matter what the living arrangements. 

Knowing how your child usually thinks, feels, and acts will help you 

to notice when things begin to change. Some changes are part of your 

child’s growing up, but others could be signs of trouble. 

■ Set realistic limits and enforce them consistently. 

Be selective with your limits, by putting boundaries on the most 

important behaviors your child is engaged in. Make sure you and your 

child can “see” a limit clearly. If your child goes beyond the limit, 

deal with him or her in similar ways for similar situations. If you decide 

to punish your child, use the most effective methods, like restriction 

or time-outs. You could also make your child correct or make up for 

■ 

8 
Preventing risky 

behavior or problems 

before they arise

Seems easy enough. You “childproof” your house to make sure your 

crawling baby or toddler can’t get into the cleaning products or electrical

outlets. You catch your eight-year-old jumping on the bed and make her

stop. You make your 12-year old wear his helmet when he rides his bike,

no matter how “dumb” he thinks it makes him look.

But prevention goes beyond just saying “no” or “stop.” There are two parts

to prevention: 1) Spotting possible problems; and 2) Knowing how to work

through the problem. Let’s look at each one a little closer.

Spotting possible problems 

Consider these methods for spotting problems before they turn into 

full-blown crises:

■ Be actively involved in your child’s life.

This is important for all parents, no matter what the living arrangements.

Knowing how your child usually thinks, feels, and acts will help you 

to notice when things begin to change. Some changes are part of your

child’s growing up, but others could be signs of trouble.

■ Set realistic limits and enforce them consistently. 

Be selective with your limits, by putting boundaries on the most 

important behaviors your child is engaged in. Make sure you and your

child can “see” a limit clearly. If your child goes beyond the limit,

deal with him or her in similar ways for similar situations. If you decide 

to punish your child, use the most effective methods, like restriction 

or time-outs. You could also make your child correct or make up for 

8

■

P
Knowing how to work through the problem 

Because problems are quite different, how you solve them also differs. To 

solve tough problems, you may need more complex methods. Keep these 

things in mind when trying to solve a problem: 

■ Know that you are not alone. 

Talk to other parents or a trusted friend or relative. Some of them might 

be dealing with or have dealt with similar things. They may have ideas on 

how to solve a problem in a way you haven’t thought of. Or, they might 

share your feelings, which can also be a comfort. 

■ Admit when a problem is bigger than you can handle alone 

or requires special expertise. 

No one expects you to solve every problem your family has by yourself. 

Some problems are just too big to handle alone, not because you’re 

a “bad” parent, but simply because of the nature of the problem. Be 

realistic about what you can and can’t do on your own. 

■ Get outside help, if needed. 

There will be times when you just won’t know how to help your child; 

other times, you truly won’t be able to help your child. That’s okay; 

someone else may know how to help. Use all the resources you have to 

solve a problem, including getting outside help when you need it. 

Remember that it’s not important how a problem is solved, just that it is. 

Where can I go for parenting help? 

■ Other parents ■ Social workers and agencies 

■ Family members and relatives ■ Psychologists and psychiatrists 

■ Friends ■ Pastors, priests, rabbis, and ministers 

■ Pediatricians ■ Community groups 

■ School nurses and counselors ■ Support and self-help groups 

■ 

10 
Knowing how to work through the problem

Because problems are quite different, how you solve them also differs. To

solve tough problems, you may need more complex methods. Keep these

things in mind when trying to solve a problem:

■ Know that you are not alone. 

Talk to other parents or a trusted friend or relative. Some of them might

be dealing with or have dealt with similar things. They may have ideas on

how to solve a problem in a way you haven’t thought of. Or, they might

share your feelings, which can also be a comfort.

■ Admit when a problem is bigger than you can handle alone

or requires special expertise.

No one expects you to solve every problem your family has by yourself.

Some problems are just too big to handle alone, not because you’re

a “bad” parent, but simply because of the nature of the problem. Be 

realistic about what you can and can’t do on your own.

■ Get outside help, if needed. 

There will be times when you just won’t know how to help your child;

other times, you truly won’t be able to help your child. That’s okay;

someone else may know how to help. Use all the resources you have to

solve a problem, including getting outside help when you need it.

Remember that it’s not important how a problem is solved, just that it is.

10

■

Where can I go for parenting help?

■ Other parents

■ Family members and relatives

■ Friends

■ Pediatricians

■ School nurses and counselors

■ Social workers and agencies

■ Psychologists and psychiatrists

■ Pastors, priests, rabbis, and ministers

■ Community groups

■ Support and self-help groups
M Monitoring your 

child’s contact with his or 

her surrounding world 

Do you need to be a superhero with x-ray vision and eyes in the back of 

your head to be a careful monitor? Of course not. You don’t need to be 

with your child every minute of every day, either. Being a careful monitor 

combines asking questions and paying attention, with making decisions, 

setting limits, and encouraging your child’s positive choices when you aren’t 

there. 

When your child is young, monitoring seems easy because you are the 

one making most of the decisions. You decide who cares for your child; you 

decide what your child watches or listens to; you decide who your 

child plays with. If something or someone comes 

in contact with your child, you’re usually one 

of the first to know. Being a 

careful monitor 

combines 

asking questions 

and paying 

attention, 

with making 

decisions and 

setting limits. 

Things may change as your child gets 

older, especially after school begins and into 

the pre-teen and teen years. As kids begin 

to learn about their own personalities, 

they sometimes clash with their parents’ 

personalities. A parent’s ability to actively 

monitor is often one of the first things 

to suffer from this clash. 

Parents need to monitor their children’s 

comings and goings through every age and 

stage of growth. 

■ 

12 
Monitoring your 

child’s contact with his or

her surrounding world

Do you need to be a superhero with x-ray vision and eyes in the back of

your head to be a careful monitor? Of course not. You don’t need to be

with your child every minute of every day, either. Being a careful monitor

combines asking questions and paying attention, with making decisions,

setting limits, and encouraging your child’s positive choices when you aren’t

there.

When your child is young, monitoring seems easy because you are the 

one making most of the decisions. You decide who cares for your child; you

decide what your child watches or listens to; you decide who your 

child plays with. If something or someone comes

in contact with your child, you’re usually one 

of the first to know.

Things may change as your child gets 

older, especially after school begins and into 

the pre-teen and teen years. As kids begin 

to learn about their own personalities,

they sometimes clash with their parents’

personalities. A parent’s ability to actively 

monitor is often one of the first things 

to suffer from this clash.

Parents need to monitor their children’s 

comings and goings through every age and 

stage of growth.

12

■

M

Being a 

careful monitor

combines 

asking questions 

and paying 

attention, 

with making 

decisions and 

setting limits.
With a little 

effort from you,	 

your child 

might surround 

him or herself 	

with friends 

whose values, 

interests, and	 

behaviors 	

will be “pluses” 

in your 

child’s life. 

■ Know what your child is watching,

reading, playing, or listening to. 

Because TV, movies, video games, the Internet, 

and music are such a large part of many of our 

lives, they can have a huge influence on kids. Be 

sure you know what your child’s influences are. 

You can’t help your child make positive choices if 

you don’t know what web sites he or she visits or 

what he or she reads, listens to, watches, or plays. 

■ Know the people your child

spends time with. 

Because you can’t be with your child all the time, 

you should know who is with your child when 

you’re not. Friends have a big influence on your 

child, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much 

of the time, this influence is positive, but not 

always. With a little effort from you, your child 

might surround him or herself with friends 

whose values, interests, and behaviors will be 

“pluses” in your child’s life. Your child also spends 

a lot of time with his or her teachers. Teachers play a vital role in your 

child’s development and overall well-being, so get to know your child’s 

teachers, too. 

■ Give direction without being rigid. 

In some cases, not being allowed to do something only makes your 

child want to do it more. Is the answer just plain “no” or does it depend 

on the circumstances? “Yes, but only if...” is a useful option when 

making decisions. 

To find out how some parents use monitoring in their daily parenting 

practices, turn to the section of this booklet that relates to your child’s 

age. Or you can read on to learn about mentoring. 

■ 

14 
■ Know what your child is watching, 

reading, playing, or listening to. 

Because TV, movies, video games, the Internet,

and music are such a large part of many of our

lives, they can have a huge influence on kids. Be

sure you know what your child’s influences are.

You can’t help your child make positive choices if

you don’t know what web sites he or she visits or

what he or she reads, listens to, watches, or plays.

■ Know the people your child 

spends time with. 

Because you can’t be with your child all the time,

you should know who is with your child when

you’re not. Friends have a big influence on your

child, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much

of the time, this influence is positive, but not

always. With a little effort from you, your child

might surround him or herself with friends

whose values, interests, and behaviors will be

“pluses” in your child’s life. Your child also spends

a lot of time with his or her teachers. Teachers play a vital role in your

child’s development and overall well-being, so get to know your child’s

teachers, too.

■ Give direction without being rigid. 

In some cases, not being allowed to do something only makes your 

child want to do it more. Is the answer just plain “no” or does it depend

on the circumstances? “Yes, but only if...” is a useful option when 

making decisions.

To find out how some parents use monitoring in their daily parenting

practices, turn to the section of this booklet that relates to your child’s

age. Or you can read on to learn about mentoring.

14

■

With a little 

effort from you,

your child 

might surround

him or herself 

with friends 

whose values,

interests, and

behaviors 

will be “pluses” 

in your 

child’s life.
M Mentoring your child 

to support and encourage 

desired behaviors 

When you were growing up, did you have a special person your life 

who did things with you, gave you advice, or was a good listener? 

This person may have been a relative 

or friend of the family who was older than 

you. If so, then you had a mentor. Mentors help 

kids reach

their full potential,

which includes 


mistakes and

tears, as well as 

successes 

and smiles.
 

Since the early 1980s, formal mentoring 


programs that pair children with caring 


mentors have been highly successful.
 

Mentoring, whether an informal relationship 

or a formal program, has a focused goal:
 

guiding children through adolescence so 


they can become happy, healthy adults.
 

You may know that all children need 

mentors, but did you know that parents 


make great mentors? 

What does it mean to be a mentor? 

A mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship, and 

respect to a child. 

Sounds great. But what does that mean? 

Being a mentor is like being a coach of a sports team. A caring coach 

sees the strengths and weaknesses of each player and tries to build those 

strengths and lessen those weaknesses. In practice, coaches stand back 

and watch the action, giving advice on what the players should do next, 

but knowing that the players make their own game-time decisions. 

■ 

16 
Mentoring your child 

to support and encourage

desired behaviors

When you were growing up, did you have a special person your life 

who did things with you, gave you advice, or was a good listener?

This person may have been a relative

or friend of the family who was older than 

you. If so, then you had a mentor.

Since the early 1980s, formal mentoring 

programs that pair children with caring 

mentors have been highly successful.

Mentoring, whether an informal relationship 

or a formal program, has a focused goal:

guiding children through adolescence so 

they can become happy, healthy adults.

You may know that all children need 

mentors, but did you know that parents 

make great mentors?

What does it mean to be a mentor?

A mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship, and

respect to a child.

Sounds great. But what does that mean?

Being a mentor is like being a coach of a sports team. A caring coach 

sees the strengths and weaknesses of each player and tries to build those

strengths and lessen those weaknesses. In practice, coaches stand back 

and watch the action, giving advice on what the players should do next,

but knowing that the players make their own game-time decisions.

16

■

M

Mentors help 

kids reach 

their full potential, 

which includes 

mistakes and 

tears, as well as

successes 

and smiles.
You may want to keep these things in mind 

as you think about being a mentor: 

■ Be honest about your own 

strengths and weaknesses. 

If you know the answer to a question, 

say so; if you don’t, say so. To build 

a trusting, but real, relationship with 

your child, you only have to be 

human. All humans make mistakes; 

you have, and your child will, too. 

Your child can benefit from hearing 

about your mistakes, including 

what you thought before you made 

them, how your thoughts changed 

after you made them, and how 

you changed your thoughts or behaviors 

to avoid them in the future. A child 

who thinks his or her parent is perfect 

builds expectations that parents can’t 

possibly live up to. 

■ Respect your child’s thoughts 

and opinions without judging 

them. 

Even if you don’t agree with your 

child, make it clear that you want 

to know what his or her thoughts are, 

without the threat of punishment. 

If your child is afraid of being punished, 

he or she may stop sharing things entirely. Let different points-of-view 

co-exist for a while; they will allow your child to think more about an 

issue. Remember that there is an important difference between,“I disagree 

with you,” and “You’re wrong.” 

■ 

Did you know...? 

Your approval or 

disapproval teaches 

your child about 

desirable behavior.6, 12 

Parents need to be 

careful about how they 

express approval or 

disapproval. Parents 

who are harsh in their 

disapproval may hurt 

their children’s self-esteem; 

parents who never express 

disapproval may raise 

children who can’t deal 

with any criticism. Try to 

find a balance between 

expressions of approval 

and disapproval. Be 

consistent in your rewards 

and punishments. 

18 
You may want to keep these things in mind 

as you think about being a mentor:

■ Be honest about your own

strengths and weaknesses.

If you know the answer to a question,

say so; if you don’t, say so. To build 

a trusting, but real, relationship with 

your child, you only have to be 

human. All humans make mistakes;

you have, and your child will, too.

Your child can benefit from hearing 

about your mistakes, including 

what you thought before you made 

them, how your thoughts changed 

after you made them, and how 

you changed your thoughts or behaviors 

to avoid them in the future. A child 

who thinks his or her parent is perfect

builds expectations that parents can’t 

possibly live up to.

■ Respect your child’s thoughts 

and opinions without judging

them.

Even if you don’t agree with your 

child, make it clear that you want 

to know what his or her thoughts are,

without the threat of punishment.

If your child is afraid of being punished,

he or she may stop sharing things entirely. Let different points-of-view 

co-exist for a while; they will allow your child to think more about an 

issue. Remember that there is an important difference between,“I disagree

with you,” and “You’re wrong.”

18

■

Did you know...?

Your approval or 

disapproval teaches

your child about 

desirable behavior.6, 12

Parents need to be 

careful about how they

express approval or 

disapproval. Parents 

who are harsh in their 

disapproval may hurt 

their children’s self-esteem;

parents who never express

disapproval may raise 

children who can’t deal 

with any criticism. Try to

find a balance between 

expressions of approval

and disapproval. Be 

consistent in your rewards

and punishments.
M Modeling your own 

behavior to provide a 

consistent,positive 

example for your child 

When I grow up, I want to be just like you. 

Has your child ever said this to you? 

It’s a bittersweet statement for a parent to hear. On the one hand, 

it’s touching to have your child look up to you in this way; on the other, 

being a role model comes with great responsibility. 

Children learn 

as much, 

if not more from 

your actions 

as they do from 

your words. 

Role models come in all shapes and sizes; they 

do all kinds of jobs; they come from any 

country or city. Some children view athletes as 

their role models; other children look up to 

authors or scientists. And, believe it or not, 

many children see their parents as role models. 

All too often, parenting behavior is guided by 

adults reacting to their own childhoods; that 

is, many parents think: I don’t ever want to be 

like my parents; or it was good enough for 

me, so it’s good enough for my kids. Remember that reacting instead of 

responding prevents you from making decisions that can change the 

outcome of a situation. To be a more effective, consistent, active, and 

attentive parent, it’s best to focus on your children and their lives. 

Does this mean that you have to be perfect so your child will grow up 

to be perfect, too? Of course not. No one is perfect. But, you do need to 

figure out what kind of example you are setting for your child. 

■ 

20 
Modeling your own

behavior to provide a 

consistent,positive 

example for your child 

When I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Has your child ever said this to you?

It’s a bittersweet statement for a parent to hear. On the one hand,

it’s touching to have your child look up to you in this way; on the other,

being a role model comes with great responsibility.

Role models come in all shapes and sizes; they

do all kinds of jobs; they come from any

country or city. Some children view athletes as

their role models; other children look up to

authors or scientists. And, believe it or not,

many children see their parents as role models.

All too often, parenting behavior is guided by

adults reacting to their own childhoods; that

is, many parents think: I don’t ever want to be

like my parents; or it was good enough for

me, so it’s good enough for my kids. Remember that reacting instead of

responding prevents you from making decisions that can change the 

outcome of a situation. To be a more effective, consistent, active, and

attentive parent, it’s best to focus on your children and their lives.

Does this mean that you have to be perfect so your child will grow up 

to be perfect, too? Of course not. No one is perfect. But, you do need to

figure out what kind of example you are setting for your child.

20

■

M

Children learn 

as much, 

if not more from

your actions 

as they do from

your words.
Did you know...? 

How parents act in 

their relationships 

with one another has 

a significant impact on 

child development.2 

Regardless of the living 

arrangements, parents 

should consider their 

children when dealing with 

each other. Your child sees 

how you work through 

everyday issues and uses 

your interactions as the 

basis for his or her own 

behavior in relationships. 

The next time you interact 

with your spouse, exspouse, or significant other, 

ask yourself whether or 

not you are providing a 

positive example for your 

child. Do you want your 

child to act the same 

way you are acting with 

that person or another 

person? If not, you may 

want to reconsider your 

behavior. 

■ Be honest with your child about 


how you are feeling.
 

Adults get confused about emotions all the 

time, so it’s no surprise that children might 

get confused, too. For instance, you might 

have a short temper after a really stressful day 

at work, but your child might think you are 

angry with him or her. If you find yourself 

acting differently than you usually do, explain 

to your child that he or she isn’t to blame for 

your change in “typical” behavior; your 

child can even help you by lightening your 

mood or altering your attitude.You can 

prevent a lot of hurt feelings and confusion 

by being honest with your child about your 

own emotions. 

■ Make sure your child knows 

that being angry does not mean, 

“not loving.” 

Disagreements and arguments are a normal 

part of most relationships. But many children 

can’t separate love from anger; they assume 

that if you yell at them, then you don’t love 

them anymore. Even if you think your 

child has a solid grasp of emotions, you 

may want to be specific about this point. 

Otherwise, you run the risk of having 

your child think he or she is not loved every 

time you have a disagreement. Most of all, 

be alert to changes in your child’s emotions 

so you can “coach” your child through 

moments of anger or sadness without 

brushing-off the emotion or ignoring it. 

■ 

22 
■ Be honest with your child about 

how you are feeling.

Adults get confused about emotions all the

time, so it’s no surprise that children might

get confused, too. For instance, you might

have a short temper after a really stressful day

at work, but your child might think you are

angry with him or her. If you find yourself

acting differently than you usually do, explain

to your child that he or she isn’t to blame for

your change in “typical” behavior; your 

child can even help you by lightening your

mood or altering your attitude.You can 

prevent a lot of hurt feelings and confusion 

by being honest with your child about your

own emotions.

■ Make sure your child knows 

that being angry does not mean, 

“not loving.”

Disagreements and arguments are a normal

part of most relationships. But many children

can’t separate love from anger; they assume

that if you yell at them, then you don’t love

them anymore. Even if you think your 

child has a solid grasp of emotions, you 

may want to be specific about this point.

Otherwise, you run the risk of having 

your child think he or she is not loved every

time you have a disagreement. Most of all,

be alert to changes in your child’s emotions 

so you can “coach” your child through

moments of anger or sadness without 

brushing-off the emotion or ignoring it.

22

■

Did you know...?

How parents act in 

their relationships

with one another has

a significant impact on

child development.2

Regardless of the living

arrangements, parents

should consider their 

children when dealing with

each other. Your child sees

how you work through

everyday issues and uses

your interactions as the

basis for his or her own

behavior in relationships.

The next time you interact

with your spouse, exspouse, or significant other,

ask yourself whether or 

not you are providing a

positive example for your

child. Do you want your

child to act the same 

way you are acting with

that person or another 

person? If not, you may

want to reconsider your

behavior.
0-3 Responding to your child

in an appropriate manner

YEARS 

The example below will give you a better idea of what it means to 

respond to your child in an appropriate manner. As you read, think about 

these questions: 

■ Is the parent in the story reacting 

or responding? 

■ Is her response appropriate to the child’s age? 

■ Is her response appropriate to the situation? 

■ How might you respond to your child 

in the same situation? 

Caroline and Abby (Age 11/2)

7 

What’s the Story? Abby spends the day at a day care center while 

Caroline is at work; Caroline drops her off at 7:30 a.m. and returns for her at 

5:30 p.m. When they get home in the evening, Caroline gets dinner ready 

while Abby sits in her high chair. Caroline keeps the chair turned so that Abby 

is facing her while she cooks, so that they can watch, smile at, and talk to 

each other. 

It takes Caroline a little longer to make dinner because she often stops to play 

peek-a-boo or bends down to talk to Abby at her eye-level. They have their 

own conversations, in which Abby “talks” and Caroline “answers.” If Abby is 

cranky or upset, Caroline uses this time to calm her down and figure out why 

she’s being fussy. Caroline has found many ways to keep Abby calm as a result 

of this dinnertime contact, that are also helpful when the two are out of the 

house running errands. 

■ 

24 
Responding to your child

in an appropriate manner

The example below will give you a better idea of what it means to 

respond to your child in an appropriate manner. As you read, think about

these questions:

■ Is the parent in the story reacting 

or responding?

■ Is her response appropriate to the child’s age?

■ Is her response appropriate to the situation?

■ How might you respond to your child 

in the same situation?

Caroline and Abby (Age 11/2)

7

What’s the Story? Abby spends the day at a day care center while

Caroline is at work; Caroline drops her off at 7:30 a.m. and returns for her at

5:30 p.m. When they get home in the evening, Caroline gets dinner ready

while Abby sits in her high chair. Caroline keeps the chair turned so that Abby

is facing her while she cooks, so that they can watch, smile at, and talk to 

each other.

It takes Caroline a little longer to make dinner because she often stops to play

peek-a-boo or bends down to talk to Abby at her eye-level. They have their 

own conversations, in which Abby “talks” and Caroline “answers.” If Abby is

cranky or upset, Caroline uses this time to calm her down and figure out why

she’s being fussy. Caroline has found many ways to keep Abby calm as a result

of this dinnertime contact, that are also helpful when the two are out of the

house running errands.

24

■

0-3

YEARS
I would love to do this with my child, but...6 

... my child just won’t sit still that long. 

... I don’t have time to cook, so we eat out most of the time. 

... my kitchen is too small for everyone to fit. 

... my child eats dinner with another caretaker. 

... I sometimes work the afternoon and evening shift 

and am not always home for dinner. 

... I have to drive my other children to their after-school 

activities. 

... I don’t get home from work until late in the evening. 

In a perfect world, you could spend all day, every day with your child, never 

missing a meal or a moment of togetherness. In the real world, however, 

this is often not the case. Regardless of how you manage it, you should try 

to make time for this kind of interaction with your child every day. The 

specifics of where, how, or when you spend time with your child aren’t as 

important as the actual time you spend with your child. 

If your child won’t sit in a highchair for very long, put some toys on the 

floor and let your child play there while you’re in the kitchen. If you’re 

driving here and there, talk to your child as you drive, pointing out things 

you see or singing songs. If you see your child in the mornings, get into 

a routine for getting dressed together so that you can interact with him 

or her. You can also include the other people in your family in this time 

together, so that your child becomes more comfortable in the family 

setting. The important part is getting to know your child and letting your 

child get to know you. 

■ 

26 
In a perfect world, you could spend all day, every day with your child, never

missing a meal or a moment of togetherness. In the real world, however,

this is often not the case. Regardless of how you manage it, you should try

to make time for this kind of interaction with your child every day. The

specifics of where, how, or when you spend time with your child aren’t as

important as the actual time you spend with your child.

If your child won’t sit in a highchair for very long, put some toys on the

floor and let your child play there while you’re in the kitchen. If you’re

driving here and there, talk to your child as you drive, pointing out things

you see or singing songs. If you see your child in the mornings, get into 

a routine for getting dressed together so that you can interact with him 

or her. You can also include the other people in your family in this time

together, so that your child becomes more comfortable in the family 

setting. The important part is getting to know your child and letting your

child get to know you.

26

■

I would love to do this with my child, but...6

... my child just won’t sit still that long. 

... I don’t have time to cook, so we eat out most of the time.

... my kitchen is too small for everyone to fit.

... my child eats dinner with another caretaker.

... I sometimes work the afternoon and evening shift

and am not always home for dinner.

... I have to drive my other children to their after-school 

activities.

... I don’t get home from work until late in the evening.
Sometimes she forgets to feed Stef—how can you forget to feed a baby? I’m 

worried that Stefanie isn’t getting get the attention she needs during the day. I 

mean, sometimes Molly doesn’t even get dressed during the day. I wish I knew 

how to make things better for all of us. 

Molly Says: I know that a lot of women do the mom thing every day, but I’m 

just not as good at it as they are. Sometimes, it’s like nothing I do is enough 

for her. I try holding her, rocking her, feeding her, playing with her, but she still 

cries. I can’t do anything right. 

What’s the Point? While it’s true that millions of women “do the mom 

thing” every day, none of them would say it’s easy. Being a mother takes a lot 

of getting used to; in fact, being a parent takes a lot of getting used to. 

But it sounds like Molly is going through more than getting used to being a new 

mom. For nearly 10 percent of women who are pregnant or give birth, the 

weight of being a new mom is doubled by post-partum depression, an illness 

that results from hormonal changes related to pregnancy and giving birth.15 

Women with post-partum depression need more help than their spouses or 

partners can give, more than they can give themselves, actually. For many 

women like Molly, professional treatment from a psychiatrist or other mental 

health professional is the best way to beat the so-called “baby blues.” 

If any parent, no matter what their gender is, finds it hard to relate with their 

child in a playful, positive way, then they should seek outside help immediately. 

Molly and Ron might want to talk to her obstetrician about how they are feeling 

and how things are going. The doctor may have some ideas that could help, 

like hiring a babysitter a few days each week, or having each parent take 

“alone time” during the week. The doctor might also refer them to a psychiatrist 

or another mental health professional so they can get help through counseling 

and medication. 

Having a baby changes every part of parents’ lives, including their relationship 

to each other. Many times, one or both parents have a hard time adjusting to 

all the changes. Parents should know that their emotional health has a big 

impact on their child’s emotional health. Getting help right away is the best way 

to ensure the child’s and the parents’ well-being. 

■ 

28 
Sometimes she forgets to feed Stef—how can you forget to feed a baby? I’m

worried that Stefanie isn’t getting get the attention she needs during the day. I

mean, sometimes Molly doesn’t even get dressed during the day. I wish I knew

how to make things better for all of us.

Molly Says: I know that a lot of women do the mom thing every day, but I’m

just not as good at it as they are. Sometimes, it’s like nothing I do is enough 

for her. I try holding her, rocking her, feeding her, playing with her, but she still

cries. I can’t do anything right.

What’s the Point? While it’s true that millions of women “do the mom 

thing” every day, none of them would say it’s easy. Being a mother takes a lot

of getting used to; in fact, being a parent takes a lot of getting used to. 

But it sounds like Molly is going through more than getting used to being a new

mom. For nearly 10 percent of women who are pregnant or give birth, the

weight of being a new mom is doubled by post-partum depression, an illness

that results from hormonal changes related to pregnancy and giving birth.15

Women with post-partum depression need more help than their spouses or 

partners can give, more than they can give themselves, actually. For many

women like Molly, professional treatment from a psychiatrist or other mental

health professional is the best way to beat the so-called “baby blues.” 

If any parent, no matter what their gender is, finds it hard to relate with their 

child in a playful, positive way, then they should seek outside help immediately.

Molly and Ron might want to talk to her obstetrician about how they are feeling

and how things are going. The doctor may have some ideas that could help, 

like hiring a babysitter a few days each week, or having each parent take 

“alone time” during the week. The doctor might also refer them to a psychiatrist 

or another mental health professional so they can get help through counseling 

and medication.

Having a baby changes every part of parents’ lives, including their relationship 

to each other. Many times, one or both parents have a hard time adjusting to 

all the changes. Parents should know that their emotional health has a big

impact on their child’s emotional health. Getting help right away is the best way

to ensure the child’s and the parents’ well-being.

28

■
What’s the Point? The best way to make sure Luis gets the care Maria 

wants him to have is to know as much about the day care center and the 

people who work there as possible. Maria is her son’s best defense against 

poor care, but only if she is actively monitoring his surroundings. Some 

day care centers provide a daily diary of every child’s day—when they fed the 

baby, when they changed the baby, who played with the baby, and what 

they played with. If Maria had asked more questions about the daily routine 

of the center when she went for her visit, she could’ve found out whether the 

center offered that type of report. If she knew the center did not keep a 

diary for each child, she could have made other arrangements for Luis at 

a center that did offer the daily report. 

If you decide to place your child into day care, learn as much as you can 

about the center and its workers before you take your child there. Decide what 

features you must have in a day care center. You may 

want your child to get a lot of one-on-one attention; or you 

may want your child to be around kids the same 

age so that he or she can build social skills. You may want 

a report of what happens to your child 

throughout the day. Remember, though, 

that more attentive care often costs more than 

the alternatives. 

Once you know what you want, find a place 

that meets all your needs. Visit the center 

before signing any papers or giving any money. 

If you can, make one or two unannounced visits 

to the center, so that you can see how well it runs on 

a normal day. Contact your local licensing agency to make sure the center has 

all of the required licenses and permits; find out if there have been any 

problems reported for the center or its employees. You can also ask the day 

care center staff for references, which allows you to check their work histories. 

The more work you do upfront, the more pleased you will be with the care 

your child receives. 

■ 

30 
What’s the Point? The best way to make sure Luis gets the care Maria 

wants him to have is to know as much about the day care center and the 

people who work there as possible. Maria is her son’s best defense against 

poor care, but only if she is actively monitoring his surroundings. Some 

day care centers provide a daily diary of every child’s day—when they fed the

baby, when they changed the baby, who played with the baby, and what 

they played with. If Maria had asked more questions about the daily routine 

of the center when she went for her visit, she could’ve found out whether the

center offered that type of report. If she knew the center did not keep a 

diary for each child, she could have made other arrangements for Luis at 

a center that did offer the daily report.

If you decide to place your child into day care, learn as much as you can 

about the center and its workers before you take your child there. Decide what 

features you must have in a day care center. You may 

want your child to get a lot of one-on-one attention; or you 

may want your child to be around kids the same 

age so that he or she can build social skills. You may want 

a report of what happens to your child 

throughout the day. Remember, though, 

that more attentive care often costs more than

the alternatives.

Once you know what you want, find a place 

that meets all your needs. Visit the center 

before signing any papers or giving any money.

If you can, make one or two unannounced visits 

to the center, so that you can see how well it runs on 

a normal day. Contact your local licensing agency to make sure the center has

all of the required licenses and permits; find out if there have been any 

problems reported for the center or its employees. You can also ask the day

care center staff for references, which allows you to check their work histories.

The more work you do upfront, the more pleased you will be with the care 

your child receives. 

30

■
Yeung Says: I think Chang likes reading, too. He helps turn the pages, 

points to the pictures he recognizes, and chatters. He knows what is going to 

happen next and tells me when I’ve skipped something. He’s beginning to 

recognize the letters and their sounds. He has his favorite books and wants 

to hear them again and again. 

What’s the Point? LiMing and Yeung have given a lot of thought to being 

Chang’s mentors. By reading to Chang, they introduced him to one of their 

interests. They encourage him to choose his own stories and to interact with 

them and with the book while they’re reading. As he gets older, Chang will 

know that his parents read a great deal. He may decide to join his parents in 

their hobby. 

They may not know it, but LiMing 

and Yeung are also helping 

Chang build his reading skills. 

Studies show that, in the US, 

more than 50 percent of children 

are read to by a family member 

every day.

8 In these studies, 

family reading is related to better 

reading comprehension and 

greater school success. 

Reading to your child also 

improves his or her emergent 

literacy—the knowledge that 

the words printed in books have 

meaning. One of the key factors in 

emergent literacy is being able to recognize letters of the alphabet; other factors 

include knowing the sounds of letters at the beginning and end of words. 

Reading to your child improves these skills, which can improve your child’s 

chances for school success. 

■ 

32 
Yeung Says: I think Chang likes reading, too. He helps turn the pages,

points to the pictures he recognizes, and chatters. He knows what is going to

happen next and tells me when I’ve skipped something. He’s beginning to 

recognize the letters and their sounds. He has his favorite books and wants 

to hear them again and again. 

What’s the Point? LiMing and Yeung have given a lot of thought to being

Chang’s mentors. By reading to Chang, they introduced him to one of their 

interests. They encourage him to choose his own stories and to interact with

them and with the book while they’re reading. As he gets older, Chang will

know that his parents read a great deal. He may decide to join his parents in

their hobby. 

They may not know it, but LiMing 

and Yeung are also helping

Chang build his reading skills. 

Studies show that, in the US, 

more than 50 percent of children

are read to by a family member 

every day.8 In these studies, 

family reading is related to better 

reading comprehension and

greater school success. 

Reading to your child also 

improves his or her emergent 

literacy—the knowledge that 

the words printed in books have 

meaning. One of the key factors in

emergent literacy is being able to recognize letters of the alphabet; other factors

include knowing the sounds of letters at the beginning and end of words.

Reading to your child improves these skills, which can improve your child’s

chances for school success.

32

■
While Sabby is at this age, Marco needs to cover the outlet with a safety 

cover anytime the coffee maker is not plugged in. Then Sabby won’t have the 

chance to get into it. When Sabby is a little older (three or so), Marco can 

explain the details of safe materials, dangerous materials, and electrical outlets. 

He could also tell Sabby that only grownups are allowed to touch electric 

outlets. It seems as though Marco is trying to get this across by saying, “no” or 

“bad,” but he only assumes that Sabby knows what he means. Kids, especially 

young children, will copy what they see even if they don’t fully understand it. 

Sabby’s action is a dangerous behavior that could cause him serious harm. 

Marco needs to take immediate action to ensure Sabby’s safety. 

■ 

34 
While Sabby is at this age, Marco needs to cover the outlet with a safety 

cover anytime the coffee maker is not plugged in. Then Sabby won’t have the

chance to get into it. When Sabby is a little older (three or so), Marco can

explain the details of safe materials, dangerous materials, and electrical outlets. 

He could also tell Sabby that only grownups are allowed to touch electric 

outlets. It seems as though Marco is trying to get this across by saying, “no” or

“bad,” but he only assumes that Sabby knows what he means. Kids, especially

young children, will copy what they see even if they don’t fully understand it.

Sabby’s action is a dangerous behavior that could cause him serious harm.

Marco needs to take immediate action to ensure Sabby’s safety.

34

■
What’s the Point? Raj is right about the need for solid routines and 

schedules, but he forgot about the need to be flexible. Younger children do 

very well with a steady schedule; it allows them to become relaxed in their 

worlds and learn what their worlds expect from them. 

But, schedules also need to adapt to normal changes that occur as kids get 

older. Amira is just starting to build friendships, a key feature in normal 

social growth. By now, her regular bedtime should probably be 8:00 p.m., 

or 8:30 p.m., depending on how much sleep she needs. As Amira matures, 

she’ll need to balance school, home, health, and her friends. Raj can help 

her create and maintain that balance, if he shows her what it means to be 

flexible. 

When he started the schedule, Raj had Amira’s best interests in mind. With 

some minor changes, Raj’s schedule can co-exist with Amira’s growth in a way 

that suits them both. 

■ 

36 
What’s the Point? Raj is right about the need for solid routines and 

schedules, but he forgot about the need to be flexible. Younger children do 

very well with a steady schedule; it allows them to become relaxed in their

worlds and learn what their worlds expect from them. 

But, schedules also need to adapt to normal changes that occur as kids get 

older. Amira is just starting to build friendships, a key feature in normal 

social growth. By now, her regular bedtime should probably be 8:00 p.m., 

or 8:30 p.m., depending on how much sleep she needs. As Amira matures,

she’ll need to balance school, home, health, and her friends. Raj can help 

her create and maintain that balance, if he shows her what it means to be 

flexible.

When he started the schedule, Raj had Amira’s best interests in mind. With

some minor changes, Raj’s schedule can co-exist with Amira’s growth in a way

that suits them both.

36

■
Andre Says: Calvin needs to learn about goals and limits so he understands 

moderation. I use the timer because he can see, hear, and touch it. Even though 

I’m the one setting the time limit, the timer “enforces” it. This keeps him from 

getting upset with me. 

What’s the Point? 

Setting goals and limits 

for your child is one way 

he or she can learn about 

boundaries. A child 

Calvin’s age has an easier 

time learning about a goal 

when it’s something he or 

she can see, so it’s clear 

when the job is finished. 

Andre’s choice of limit 

(playing versus cleaning) 

is also realistic; Calvin is 

capable of picking up 

all the toys from the floor. 

The timer offers a constant 

before-and-after way for 

Calvin to know when he’s reached the limit. Before the bell goes off, this will 

happen; after the bell rings, that will happen. The child learns that after the bell, 

after mom counts to three, or after dad counts to 10, something happens. If 

the child reaches the goal, then praise and kindness follow; if not, some type of 

outcome for going beyond the limit follows, be it a scolding, a punishment, or 

another response appropriate to the situation. 

Using the timer is a good idea, especially when dealing with a child as young 

as Calvin. It is a dependable way for Andre to enforce the limits. Because 

Andre uses similar times, like 10 minutes or five minutes, Calvin gets used to the 

practice. And, the bell always rings, which provides more order for Calvin. 

■ 

38 
Andre Says: Calvin needs to learn about goals and limits so he understands

moderation. I use the timer because he can see, hear, and touch it. Even though

I’m the one setting the time limit, the timer “enforces” it. This keeps him from 

getting upset with me.

What’s the Point?

Setting goals and limits 

for your child is one way

he or she can learn about

boundaries. A child

Calvin’s age has an easier

time learning about a goal

when it’s something he or

she can see, so it’s clear

when the job is finished.

Andre’s choice of limit

(playing versus cleaning) 

is also realistic; Calvin is

capable of picking up 

all the toys from the floor.

The timer offers a constant

before-and-after way for

Calvin to know when he’s reached the limit. Before the bell goes off, this will

happen; after the bell rings, that will happen. The child learns that after the bell,

after mom counts to three, or after dad counts to 10, something happens. If 

the child reaches the goal, then praise and kindness follow; if not, some type of

outcome for going beyond the limit follows, be it a scolding, a punishment, or

another response appropriate to the situation. 

Using the timer is a good idea, especially when dealing with a child as young 

as Calvin. It is a dependable way for Andre to enforce the limits. Because

Andre uses similar times, like 10 minutes or five minutes, Calvin gets used to the 

practice. And, the bell always rings, which provides more order for Calvin.

38

■
■ 

himself. It’s a good 

thing, too, because 

the next day I 

watched that show— 

I couldn’t believe it! 

Almost every line 

had something about 

fighting and getting 

even. There was a lot 

of talk about sex, too. 

I know Tyrell will be 

exposed to violence in 

the real world, but 

I don’t want him to 

start acting like the 

characters on that 

show. I don’t want him 

to be ignorant about sex, either, but I want to be the one to teach him about 

it. He is simply not allowed to watch that show. 

What’s the Point? Keisha handled this case like a seasoned monitor. 

First, she watched the first few minutes of TV with Tyrell, to see what he was 

watching. She also paid attention to the kind of shows that Tyrell usually 

watched, which made it easier for her to notice a change. After she saw the 

change, she asked Tyrell how he heard about the new show. And, she watched 

the show, to make sure that it was okay for Tyrell to watch. 

As it turned out, the show wasn’t something she wanted Tyrell to see, so he is 

no longer allowed to watch it. 

To really make her point clear, Keisha might want to talk to Tyrell about why she 

doesn’t want him to watch the show. It may not seem important for Keisha to 

explain her reasons now because Tyrell is so young, but it’s a good habit for her 

to get into for when he gets older. It may also help Tyrell to make better choices 

about the shows he watches in the future. 

40 
himself. It’s a good

thing, too, because 

the next day I 

watched that show—

I couldn’t believe it!

Almost every line 

had something about

fighting and getting

even. There was a lot

of talk about sex, too. 

I know Tyrell will be

exposed to violence in

the real world, but 

I don’t want him to 

start acting like the

characters on that 

show. I don’t want him 

to be ignorant about sex, either, but I want to be the one to teach him about 

it. He is simply not allowed to watch that show.

What’s the Point? Keisha handled this case like a seasoned monitor.

First, she watched the first few minutes of TV with Tyrell, to see what he was

watching. She also paid attention to the kind of shows that Tyrell usually

watched, which made it easier for her to notice a change. After she saw the

change, she asked Tyrell how he heard about the new show. And, she watched

the show, to make sure that it was okay for Tyrell to watch. 

As it turned out, the show wasn’t something she wanted Tyrell to see, so he is 

no longer allowed to watch it. 

To really make her point clear, Keisha might want to talk to Tyrell about why she

doesn’t want him to watch the show. It may not seem important for Keisha to

explain her reasons now because Tyrell is so young, but it’s a good habit for her

to get into for when he gets older. It may also help Tyrell to make better choices

about the shows he watches in the future.

40

■
Mentoring your child to support 

and encourage desired behaviors 

Now check out this example of parents being mentors. As you read, 

think about these questions: 

■ Is the parent being a thoughtful mentor? 

■ Is she being honest with herself? 

■ Is she judging her child? 

■ Is the parent developing the child’s interest or forcing 

the child to develop an interest? 

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 


your child?
 

Irit and Ari (Age 9)
 

What’s the Story? Ari is a very outgoing boy, who joins many clubs and 

groups at once. At school, he signs up for scouting troops, sports teams, music 

lessons; anything that he hasn’t tried is interesting to him. As a result, Ari 

leaves a lot of things unfinished, dropping out of one thing to pursue another. 

Although Irit encourages her son to try new things, she is worried about him 

trying too many things at once. 

Irit Says: He doesn’t stay focused on any one thing long enough to know 

if he likes it. He may be a gifted artist, or a graceful athlete, or a natural leader. 

But he never stays with one thing long enough to really learn it and grow in it. 

I’m glad he has so many interests, but he doesn’t seem to know when to stop. 

■ 

42 
Mentoring your child to support 

and encourage desired behaviors

Now check out this example of parents being mentors. As you read,

think about these questions:

■ Is the parent being a thoughtful mentor?

■ Is she being honest with herself?

■ Is she judging her child?

■ Is the parent developing the child’s interest or forcing 

the child to develop an interest?

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 

your child?

Irit and Ari (Age 9)

What’s the Story? Ari is a very outgoing boy, who joins many clubs and

groups at once. At school, he signs up for scouting troops, sports teams, music

lessons; anything that he hasn’t tried is interesting to him. As a result, Ari 

leaves a lot of things unfinished, dropping out of one thing to pursue another.

Although Irit encourages her son to try new things, she is worried about him 

trying too many things at once.

Irit Says: He doesn’t stay focused on any one thing long enough to know 

if he likes it. He may be a gifted artist, or a graceful athlete, or a natural leader.

But he never stays with one thing long enough to really learn it and grow in it. 

I’m glad he has so many interests, but he doesn’t seem to know when to stop. 

42

■
Modeling your own behavior 

to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child 

Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read, 

consider these questions: 

■ Are these parents being positive role models? 

■ Do the parents’ words and actions match? 

■ Are the parents being respectful of others? 


Of their children?
 

■	 Are these parents being honest with themselves about 

their own actions? 

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 


your child?
 

Andy, Kristi, Pat, and Jason (Age7)2,3,4 

What’s the Story? Kristi and Andy split up nearly five years ago, when 

their son Jason was two. Andy has remarried, and Kristi and Jason have been 

living with Pat for the last three years. Andy tries to be very active in his son’s 

life, which is a source of conflict for Kristi. She can’t let go of her anger 

toward Andy and makes sour comments about him in front of Jason. When 

Andy comes to pick up his son, Kristi usually starts an argument with him, 

about child support or the timing of visits. Pat tries to buffer Kristi’s anger, but 

feels that her attitude is bad for all of them, especially Jason. 

Pat Says: I’m not saying that she should forgive and forget her time with 

Andy. But at the very least she should curb her anger when Jason’s around. 

The poor kid is stuck in the middle. Jason loves his mom and his dad; he should 

love both his parents. I try to stay out of it most of the time, because it’s an 

■ 

44 
Modeling your own behavior 

to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child

Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read,

consider these questions:

■ Are these parents being positive role models?

■ Do the parents’ words and actions match?

■ Are the parents being respectful of others? 

Of their children?

■ Are these parents being honest with themselves about 

their own actions?

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 

your child?

Andy, Kristi, Pat, and Jason (Age7)2,3,4

What’s the Story? Kristi and Andy split up nearly five years ago, when 

their son Jason was two. Andy has remarried, and Kristi and Jason have been 

living with Pat for the last three years. Andy tries to be very active in his son’s

life, which is a source of conflict for Kristi. She can’t let go of her anger 

toward Andy and makes sour comments about him in front of Jason. When

Andy comes to pick up his son, Kristi usually starts an argument with him, 

about child support or the timing of visits. Pat tries to buffer Kristi’s anger, but

feels that her attitude is bad for all of them, especially Jason. 

Pat Says: I’m not saying that she should forgive and forget her time with

Andy. But at the very least she should curb her anger when Jason’s around. 

The poor kid is stuck in the middle. Jason loves his mom and his dad; he should

love both his parents. I try to stay out of it most of the time, because it’s an 

44

■
Andy’s point about not arguing in front of Jason is also important. Again, 

the issue is between Kristi and Andy; Jason should not be involved, even as 

a bystander. It’s painful and confusing for children to hear their parents argue. 

They often blame themselves for their parents’ words and actions, thinking 

that if they behaved better or did better in school, then their parents would get 

along. Both Andy and Kristi need to reassure Jason that their fighting is 

not his fault. If Kristi is 

unable or unwilling 

to help Andy convey 

this to Jason, maybe 

Andy can enlist 

Pat’s help. Regardless 

of who reinforces 

the idea, it’s vital for 

Jason to know 

that his parents 

have problems with 

each other, 

not with him. 

■ 

46 
Andy’s point about not arguing in front of Jason is also important. Again, 

the issue is between Kristi and Andy; Jason should not be involved, even as 

a bystander. It’s painful and confusing for children to hear their parents argue.

They often blame themselves for their parents’ words and actions, thinking 

that if they behaved better or did better in school, then their parents would get

along. Both Andy and Kristi need to reassure Jason that their fighting is 

not his fault. If Kristi is 

unable or unwilling 

to help Andy convey 

this to Jason, maybe

Andy can enlist 

Pat’s help. Regardless

of who reinforces 

the idea, it’s vital for

Jason to know 

that his parents 

have problems with

each other, 

not with him.

46

■
Akira Says: He just doesn’t understand the importance of good study habits. 

If he develops good study habits now, while he’s young, he’ll have an easier 

time in the older grades. I don’t know why he doesn’t see that. He doesn’t have 

any discipline. 

What’s the Point? Koji might not be able to see his parents’ point-of-view 

because they haven’t told him why they want him to do his homework. To them, 

the reasons are clear: they want Koji to build good study habits now so that 

he will do well in high school. Even more than that, they want to instill a sense 

of discipline in Koji, so that he learns how to start and finish things. For Nancy 

and Akira, these ideas don’t need to be explained. 

For Koji, discipline and study habits are just words his parents use when they 

talk about school. But he probably doesn’t really know what these words mean. 

His parents need to explain these things in a way that makes them more 

concrete or real for Koji. Also, because he only 11, Koji doesn’t think in terms 

of his future. He can’t see how the things he does now affect the things he’ll do 

when he’s 20. (In fact, he thinks 20 is old!) Koji can’t yet see himself in the 

future, beyond the idea that his body will get bigger. His parents need to help 

him to envision his possible future selves so that he recognizes the link between 

present action and future consequence. 

■ 

48 
Akira Says: He just doesn’t understand the importance of good study habits. 

If he develops good study habits now, while he’s young, he’ll have an easier 

time in the older grades. I don’t know why he doesn’t see that. He doesn’t have 

any discipline.

What’s the Point? Koji might not be able to see his parents’ point-of-view

because they haven’t told him why they want him to do his homework. To them,

the reasons are clear: they want Koji to build good study habits now so that 

he will do well in high school. Even more than that, they want to instill a sense 

of discipline in Koji, so that he learns how to start and finish things. For Nancy

and Akira, these ideas don’t need to be explained. 

For Koji, discipline and study habits are just words his parents use when they

talk about school. But he probably doesn’t really know what these words mean.

His parents need to explain these things in a way that makes them more 

concrete or real for Koji. Also, because he only 11, Koji doesn’t think in terms 

of his future. He can’t see how the things he does now affect the things he’ll do

when he’s 20. (In fact, he thinks 20 is old!) Koji can’t yet see himself in the

future, beyond the idea that his body will get bigger. His parents need to help

him to envision his possible future selves so that he recognizes the link between

present action and future consequence.

48

■
Preventing risky behavior 

or problems before they arise 

The next example shows how you can prevent problems before they arise. 

As you read, ask yourself these questions: 

■ Is the parent active in the child’s life? 

■ Are the limits involved realistic? 

■ Is the problem bigger than the parent can handle 


alone?
 

■ Should the parent seek outside help? 

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 


your child?
 

Janice and Christopher (Age 14) 2,5,6 

What’s the Story? Lately, Christopher has been spending a lot of time in his 

bedroom with the door closed. When Janice knocks on his door, he rarely 

answers her; when she enters the room, he is lying on his bed listening to his 

radio with his headphones on. “Can’t you KNOCK?” he yells. When Janice 

asks him what he’s listening to, he says “Nothing.” Christopher has gotten four 

after-school detentions in the last month, mostly for getting into fights and 

arguments. Janice knows that Christopher shouts at her and at his younger sister 

more often than he used to, but she’s not sure why he’s so angry or how to help 

him. 

Janice Says: He’s always kept to himself, but I’ve never seen him like this. 

The littlest thing can make him explode. It doesn’t make sense. His grades 

are fine; he does his chores; he dresses the same. He’s just so angry. What if 

he hits someone? What if his yelling changes into punching? What can I do? 

I’m really worried about him. 

■ 

50 
Preventing risky behavior 

or problems before they arise

The next example shows how you can prevent problems before they arise.

As you read, ask yourself these questions:

■ Is the parent active in the child’s life?

■ Are the limits involved realistic?

■ Is the problem bigger than the parent can handle 

alone?

■ Should the parent seek outside help?

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 

your child?

Janice and Christopher (Age 14) 2,5,6

What’s the Story? Lately, Christopher has been spending a lot of time in his

bedroom with the door closed. When Janice knocks on his door, he rarely

answers her; when she enters the room, he is lying on his bed listening to his

radio with his headphones on. “Can’t you KNOCK?” he yells. When Janice 

asks him what he’s listening to, he says “Nothing.” Christopher has gotten four

after-school detentions in the last month, mostly for getting into fights and 

arguments. Janice knows that Christopher shouts at her and at his younger sister

more often than he used to, but she’s not sure why he’s so angry or how to help

him. 

Janice Says: He’s always kept to himself, but I’ve never seen him like this. 

The littlest thing can make him explode. It doesn’t make sense. His grades 

are fine; he does his chores; he dresses the same. He’s just so angry. What if 

he hits someone? What if his yelling changes into punching? What can I do?

I’m really worried about him. 

50

■
Janice should also seek out new and different ways to spend time with 

Christopher. Being involved in the same project or going somewhere “cool” 

together is a more natural way to reconnect and redefine their roles with 

one another. It also allows their relationship to accommodate the new, youngadult Christopher and his interests as things continue to change. 

Janice needs to let Christopher know what is acceptable and what is not, when 

it comes to how he treats her and his younger sister. Janice should make it clear 

that he must treat her with respect and speak to her and his sister without raising 

his voice. Christopher may try to isolate himself even more as he gets older, 

so this issue is worth the struggle because it sets a minimum level of contact for 

family and son at this stage of their lives. Janice accepts that Christopher doesn’t 

want to share his life with her, but she will not accept him being disrespectful 

to her or her daughter. 

Of greater concern is Christopher’s level of anger and how he deals with it. 

His yelling and fighting is a new thing that may be a sign of trouble. Anger is a 

tough emotion for many kids to handle because our culture frowns on expressing 

anger. Most of the contact kids and adults have with anger is seeing it 

expressed in its most extreme form: violence. Sadly, violence is the only way 

that many people know to deal with their anger. 

Janice may want to enlist some outside help to teach Christopher how to deal 

with his anger in a more positive way. Many community centers, health care 

professionals, school counselors, and teen groups teach classes on how 

to manage anger. They show people how to control anger and how to express 

it without hurting themselves or others. Another option for Janice is to get 

Christopher involved in a healthy outlet for his anger. Running, boxing, writing 

in a journal, playing the drums, even crying are ways to channel anger so 

it’s more constructive than destructive. Having an outlet for anger and other 

emotions keeps them from building up inside, which also prevents them from 

bursting out in harmful or violent ways. 

■ 

52 
Janice should also seek out new and different ways to spend time with

Christopher. Being involved in the same project or going somewhere “cool”

together is a more natural way to reconnect and redefine their roles with 

one another. It also allows their relationship to accommodate the new, youngadult Christopher and his interests as things continue to change. 

Janice needs to let Christopher know what is acceptable and what is not, when 

it comes to how he treats her and his younger sister. Janice should make it clear

that he must treat her with respect and speak to her and his sister without raising

his voice. Christopher may try to isolate himself even more as he gets older,

so this issue is worth the struggle because it sets a minimum level of contact for

family and son at this stage of their lives. Janice accepts that Christopher doesn’t

want to share his life with her, but she will not accept him being disrespectful 

to her or her daughter.

Of greater concern is Christopher’s level of anger and how he deals with it. 

His yelling and fighting is a new thing that may be a sign of trouble. Anger is a

tough emotion for many kids to handle because our culture frowns on expressing

anger. Most of the contact kids and adults have with anger is seeing it 

expressed in its most extreme form: violence. Sadly, violence is the only way 

that many people know to deal with their anger.

Janice may want to enlist some outside help to teach Christopher how to deal

with his anger in a more positive way. Many community centers, health care

professionals, school counselors, and teen groups teach classes on how 

to manage anger. They show people how to control anger and how to express 

it without hurting themselves or others. Another option for Janice is to get

Christopher involved in a healthy outlet for his anger. Running, boxing, writing 

in a journal, playing the drums, even crying are ways to channel anger so 

it’s more constructive than destructive. Having an outlet for anger and other 

emotions keeps them from building up inside, which also prevents them from

bursting out in harmful or violent ways.

52

■
much. Wearing makeup is just the beginning of Rachel’s process of becoming 

who she wants to be. But I want to make sure that Sam and I are a part of that 

process from the beginning. 

What’s the Point? It’s only 

natural for Sam to try to protect 

his granddaughter, but being 

strict with her may have the 

opposite effect. If Rachel feels 

that her grandparents aren’t 

willing to listen to her needs 

and wants, she may decide 

not to get their input at all. 

Cutting off communication 

with her grandparents leaves 

Rachel at greater risk for getting 

hurt, having problems, and feeling pressured. 

By going with Rachel to buy makeup and showing her how to apply it, Esther 

and Sam are providing guidance without being rigid. While wearing makeup 

may seem like a small issue, Esther and Sam are setting a solid example for 

making choices as Rachel gets older. Not only are they aware of what Rachel is 

doing, but they are also keeping the lines of communication open. The manner 

in which they handle this situation will let Rachel know whether her grandparents 

support her growing up. With that knowledge, Rachel is more likely to talk to 

her grandparents about other important issues, like boys and dating, which can 

help prevent future problems. 

Esther and Sam decided together that Rachel’s wearing makeup wasn’t an 

issue worth fighting over. If Sam has doubts about that decision, he needs to 

discuss them with Esther so they can find a compromise that is agreeable to 

both of them. If Sam’s doubts are not about Rachel wearing makeup, but stem 

from his worries about other things, like going out with friends, dating or 

curfews, then he and Esther need to talk about those issues while letting their 

initial decision about makeup stand. 

■ 

54 
much. Wearing makeup is just the beginning of Rachel’s process of becoming

who she wants to be. But I want to make sure that Sam and I are a part of that

process from the beginning.

What’s the Point? It’s only

natural for Sam to try to protect

his granddaughter, but being

strict with her may have the

opposite effect. If Rachel feels

that her grandparents aren’t 

willing to listen to her needs 

and wants, she may decide 

not to get their input at all.

Cutting off communication 

with her grandparents leaves

Rachel at greater risk for getting

hurt, having problems, and feeling pressured.

By going with Rachel to buy makeup and showing her how to apply it, Esther

and Sam are providing guidance without being rigid. While wearing makeup

may seem like a small issue, Esther and Sam are setting a solid example for

making choices as Rachel gets older. Not only are they aware of what Rachel is

doing, but they are also keeping the lines of communication open. The manner

in which they handle this situation will let Rachel know whether her grandparents

support her growing up. With that knowledge, Rachel is more likely to talk to

her grandparents about other important issues, like boys and dating, which can

help prevent future problems.

Esther and Sam decided together that Rachel’s wearing makeup wasn’t an 

issue worth fighting over. If Sam has doubts about that decision, he needs to 

discuss them with Esther so they can find a compromise that is agreeable to 

both of them. If Sam’s doubts are not about Rachel wearing makeup, but stem

from his worries about other things, like going out with friends, dating or 

curfews, then he and Esther need to talk about those issues while letting their 

initial decision about makeup stand.

54

■
Masha Says: I don’t know why Alexander won’t listen to me. I’ve tried to 

talk to him about this, about the fact that Greg is trying really hard, but he just 

won’t listen. I told him I didn’t agree with punishing Greg for his grade, but he 

did it any way. To Alexander, the effort isn’t important, just the end result. 

Besides, how will Greg learn to balance school and other things if he’s not 

allowed to do any other things? 

■ 

What’s the Point? Alexander may want to rethink his actions in this case. 

First, he isn’t listening to Masha. Parenting is about talking, listening, and most of 

all, compromising. These concepts apply regardless of the living arrangements. 

Parents need to work together to make decisions about the children they are 

raising. How Alexander interacts with Masha influences how Greg views his 

stepmother and how he treats her. As Greg’s mentor, Alexander should respect 

Masha’s opinion and her input into parenting decisions. Otherwise, Greg may 

think it’s acceptable to ignore Masha’s opinions and input as well. 

Secondly, Alexander isn’t recognizing Greg’s efforts. Greg chose to work 

very hard to try and do well in the class; he also chose not to quit and not to 

blame anyone else for his grade. These choices show strength, maturity, 

and determination. As Greg’s mentor, Alexander should value Greg’s hard 

work and let Greg know that he values it. Alexander should also support 

56 
Masha Says: I don’t know why Alexander won’t listen to me. I’ve tried to 

talk to him about this, about the fact that Greg is trying really hard, but he just

won’t listen. I told him I didn’t agree with punishing Greg for his grade, but he

did it any way. To Alexander, the effort isn’t important, just the end result.

Besides, how will Greg learn to balance school and other things if he’s not

allowed to do any other things?

What’s the Point? Alexander may want to rethink his actions in this case.

First, he isn’t listening to Masha. Parenting is about talking, listening, and most of

all, compromising. These concepts apply regardless of the living arrangements.

Parents need to work together to make decisions about the children they are 

raising. How Alexander interacts with Masha influences how Greg views his

stepmother and how he treats her. As Greg’s mentor, Alexander should respect

Masha’s opinion and her input into parenting decisions. Otherwise, Greg may

think it’s acceptable to ignore Masha’s opinions and input as well.

Secondly, Alexander isn’t recognizing Greg’s efforts. Greg chose to work 

very hard to try and do well in the class; he also chose not to quit and not to 

blame anyone else for his grade. These choices show strength, maturity, 

and determination. As Greg’s mentor, Alexander should value Greg’s hard 

work and let Greg know that he values it. Alexander should also support 

56

■
Modeling your own behavior 

to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child 

Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read, 

think about these questions: 

■ Are these parents being positive role models? 

■ Do the parents’ words and actions match? 

■ Are the parents showing respect to others? 


To their children?
 

■	 Are these parents being honest with themselves about 

their own actions? 

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 


your child?
 

Anna, Ignacio, and Tomás (Age 11)1,2,3,14 

What’s the Story? Tomás has been getting into trouble at school. To figure 

out what the problem might be, Anna and Ignacio met with Tomás’ teachers. 

According to his teachers, Tomás is usually a well-behaved, calm little boy. But 

when he spends time around some of the girls in the class, he is aggressive 

and usually more physical, often pushing or pinching them. When questioned, 

Tomás explained that he is “just goofing around” with the girls and doesn’t mean 

to hurt them. But Tomás is big for his age, the teacher says, and doesn’t 

know how strong he really is. Anna and Ignacio are worried; they tell the 

teachers that they will talk to their son. 

■ 

58 
58

■

Modeling your own behavior 

to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child

Take a look at this example of parents as models. As you read,

think about these questions:

■ Are these parents being positive role models?

■ Do the parents’ words and actions match?

■ Are the parents showing respect to others? 

To their children?

■ Are these parents being honest with themselves about 

their own actions?

■ How might you handle a similar situation with 

your child?

Anna, Ignacio, and Tomás (Age 11)1,2,3,14

What’s the Story? Tomás has been getting into trouble at school. To figure 

out what the problem might be, Anna and Ignacio met with Tomás’ teachers.

According to his teachers, Tomás is usually a well-behaved, calm little boy. But

when he spends time around some of the girls in the class, he is aggressive 

and usually more physical, often pushing or pinching them. When questioned,

Tomás explained that he is “just goofing around” with the girls and doesn’t mean

to hurt them. But Tomás is big for his age, the teacher says, and doesn’t 

know how strong he really is. Anna and Ignacio are worried; they tell the 

teachers that they will talk to their son. 
Anna and Ignacio need to discuss how they want to handle this situation and 

find a compromise. Anna may have a point about Tomás and his possible new 

interest in girls; Ignacio could be correct about the types of TV shows that 

Tomás is watching. It could be that their son’s actions result from a combination 

of things. By talking over their thoughts and opinions, Anna and Ignacio can 

come up with a plan of action that is acceptable to both of them. 

Ignacio and Anna need to explain to Tomás that how they act with each other 

is special. It’s different from how Tomás should act with other people. They may 

want to tell Tomás that he shouldn’t touch any of the kids in his class for a little 

while, even if he thinks he is just being playful. These limits will allow Tomás 

to learn some level of control for his own body. He will also learn what actions 

are proper, when, and with whom. The process of developing self-control or 

regulating one’s own social behavior is a slow process. In addition to having 

patience with their son, Anna and Ignacio also need to model more appropriate 

behaviors for Tomás to learn and adopt in his daily life. These behaviors 

may include keeping their relationship more private, until Tomás is older and 

can understand it better. 

Remember... 

By including the RPM3 guidelines in your day-to-day parenting 

activities, you can become a more successful parent. RPM3 means: 

■ Responding to your child in an appropriate manner 

■ Preventing risky behavior or problems before they arise 

■ Monitoring your child’s contact with his 

or her surroundings 

■ Mentoring your child to support and encourage 

desired behaviors 

■ Modeling your own behavior to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child 

Being a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent 

is a choice that only you can make. Enjoy your adventure! 

■ 

60 
Anna and Ignacio need to discuss how they want to handle this situation and

find a compromise. Anna may have a point about Tomás and his possible new

interest in girls; Ignacio could be correct about the types of TV shows that 

Tomás is watching. It could be that their son’s actions result from a combination

of things. By talking over their thoughts and opinions, Anna and Ignacio can

come up with a plan of action that is acceptable to both of them.

Ignacio and Anna need to explain to Tomás that how they act with each other 

is special. It’s different from how Tomás should act with other people. They may

want to tell Tomás that he shouldn’t touch any of the kids in his class for a little

while, even if he thinks he is just being playful. These limits will allow Tomás 

to learn some level of control for his own body. He will also learn what actions 

are proper, when, and with whom. The process of developing self-control or 

regulating one’s own social behavior is a slow process. In addition to having

patience with their son, Anna and Ignacio also need to model more appropriate

behaviors for Tomás to learn and adopt in his daily life. These behaviors 

may include keeping their relationship more private, until Tomás is older and 

can understand it better. 

Remember...

By including the RPM3 guidelines in your day-to-day parenting 

activities, you can become a more successful parent. RPM3 means:

■ Responding to your child in an appropriate manner

■ Preventing risky behavior or problems before they arise

■ Monitoring your child’s contact with his 

or her surroundings

■ Mentoring your child to support and encourage 

desired behaviors

■ Modeling your own behavior to provide a consistent, 

positive example for your child

Being a more effective, consistent, active, and attentive parent 

is a choice that only you can make. Enjoy your adventure!

60

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Acknowledgements 

The NICHD would like to thank the Robert Wood Johnson 

Foundation for its contributions to the conference Parenting and the 

Child’s World: Multiple Influences on Intellectual and Socio-economic 

Development, which provided the impetus for this publication, and 

its continued support for this effort. The NICHD would also like to 

thank the NIH Office of Behavioral and Social Science Research 

for its support of this publication. 

The author would like to thank John Borkowski, PhD, Marie 

Bristol-Power, PhD, Dana Bynum, and Sharon Landesman-Ramey, 

PhD, for their dedication and assistance in creating this publication, 

and Laraine M. Glidden, PhD,. for her keen review of the 

material. In addition, the author gives a special nod of thanks to 

the staff of the Public Information and Communications Branch 

of the NICHD for their patience and careful reviews of the 

material presented in this publication. 

In addition, the author sends her deepest thanks to Margaret 

Georgiann for her creativity, design expertise, and patience in 

completing this booklet. 

■ 

62 
62

■

Acknowledgements

The NICHD would like to thank the Robert Wood Johnson 

Foundation for its contributions to the conference Parenting and the 

Child’s World: Multiple Influences on Intellectual and Socio-economic 

Development, which provided the impetus for this publication, and 

its continued support for this effort. The NICHD would also like to 

thank the NIH Office of Behavioral and Social Science Research 

for its support of this publication.

The author would like to thank John Borkowski, PhD, Marie 

Bristol-Power, PhD, Dana Bynum, and Sharon Landesman-Ramey,

PhD, for their dedication and assistance in creating this publication,

and Laraine M. Glidden, PhD,. for her keen review of the 

material. In addition, the author gives a special nod of thanks to 

the staff of the Public Information and Communications Branch 

of the NICHD for their patience and careful reviews of the 

material presented in this publication.

In addition, the author sends her deepest thanks to Margaret 

Georgiann for her creativity, design expertise, and patience in 

completing this booklet.
U.S. Department of Health 

and Human Services 

Public Health Service 

National Institutes of Health 

National Institute of Child Health 

and Human Development 

NIH Pub. No. 00-4842 

October 2001