All this entire thing is going to be about is about my failing relationship with Ben. I think so many different things that I don't know what to think. I can't help but being hurt by him seeing another girl even though we both agreed that we were going to see other people. I just don't see how he could still love me but be with someone else, I just can't because I don't even have a desire to find another   boyfriend   or whatever. I'm hurt so badly right now, all I want in the world is for him to tell me how much he loves me and always will, but I don't want him to say it only because he knows that's what I want to hear. I have to talk to him about this but I'm so scared. I'm so scared that he'll tell me that he just doesn't love me anymore and that is going to kill me. I don't know what to think!! I mean, if he ever really loved me the way he said he did, I don't see how he could already be dating or talking to someone else. I don't know. I wouldn't mind him dating other girls, it's just that it's been a while since he's let me know how he feels about me, if I know and truly know that he loves me and I get just the occasional reminder of his love, then I truly don't think that I'll have a problem with him seeing other girls because I know that eventually I will be seeing other guys too. But even if I was seeing other guys right this instant, then I would still feel the same way about him. I would still love him as much as I ever did because when you truly care about someone, those feelings don't just go away because the person goes away and if they do, then you never really loved the person anyway. I just love him so much and I am sooo scared that when I talk to him tonight, I'm going to find out what I'm scared to death to find out. And even if he does still care about me, things are just so COMPLICATED!  I mean, take when I come down for Homecoming, yesterday he said he still wanted to see me but he didn't really seem very excited about it as I would hope, maybe he is but he just doesn't like to show it, I don't know. But he's talking to this girl and right now it might not be a big deal, and a month and a half from now, everything with her could have gone to crap or a month and a half from now it could have made its way into being something more and if it is something more by then, is he still going to want to see me if he has her??  That's another thing I have to talk to him about. I am so stressed out about this. It would make my day--my entire LIFE if things just go my way, if he just tells me and makes me truly believe how much he loves me then it will make me so happy because that means so so much to me. It's all I want in the world to know that he still loves me because I still love him so much. And deep down I truly believe that he really does love me. I don't think that he ever lied when he told me how he felt about me so I don't see how it could have changed after only a month or however long it's been. But sometimes I do wonder if love is just something that he throws around. Some of the things he's done and said seem so sincere that he couldn't possibly not truly love me, but sometimes I wonder how easy it will be for him to forget about me and fall in love with another girl who is more convenient for him. But convenience shouldn't be the fucking issue. The issue is his feelings for me and mine for him. Just because I'm gone shouldn't make his FEELINGS any different. It can make other things different and I don't expect him to sit around sulking over me and not dating anyone else for two whole years. ALL I WANT is to be certain of his love!! That's all I want!! Is it so much to ask??  God, I'm such a wuss. I'm sitting here crying over this and I don't even know if he has given it a second thought. Sometimes I think I'm the biggest loser for still being so attached to him but I can't just turn off my feelings. Maybe his love for me just wasn't as strong as mine for him, but he means so much to me and I care so much about him. I'm just so hurt and confused right now. And scared. I know that I really need to know how it is and if he doesn't care about me so I can move on, but I am scared to death to find that out because it is going to completely break my heart, I mean be completely devestating if I found out that he doesn't feel the same way I feel. Oh my gosh, I need to blow my nose so bad. I have so much stuff to do today. I have to go by the financial aid office and the co-op to pick up my check and find out about a weekend job. I need to work out and decide if I'm going to go to ultimate frisbee tonight. I need to study. I just wish time would hurry and go by. I can't wait til next weekend when my family comes to see me. I so wish Ben could come see me, I miss him SO much, but it just sometimes seems like he doesn't really want to see me that badly, even though he says he still want to see me and he has told me that he misses me. I just think that he doesn't think about it nearly as much as I do. I don't know though, it's very possible that he could think about it as much as I do. I don't show him how much I really want to see him, I mean, he knows I want to see him but he doesn't know the extent to which I really truly miss him and can't wait until the day I get to see him again and hold him again and hopefully kiss him again. I miss everything about him SO MUCH, I just can't get over it but still I don't show that to him. So he could want to see me just as much as I want to see him but just not show it to me. He could still love me just as much as I love him but just not be showing it to me because I haven't been showing it to him. Maybe he hasn't said   I love you   because I haven't said it to him either, but I don't say it to him because he doesn't say it to me. It's possible that this is just a vicious cycle and that he really loves me and theres nothing to worry about. I just have to talk to him. It's possible that no matter how many girls he dates that he will still love me as much as ever, I just have to find it out. By the time I get to see him again he may not have anyone else, he might be so excited to see me. I don't know. . I just don't know, all I really know is that I HAVE to talk to him 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: n