Alright, this is going to be pretty random, so whomever may be reading this should be pretty amused. Hmmm. . i had my audition for the "Madrigal Dinner" tonight. I think it went pretty well. I sang a song that I wrote. He seemed pretty impressed. I find out Monday morning if I made it or not. I think until then I am going to have a nervous tick thing happening. I broke up with my boyfriend this weekend. He is really stupid, "dumber than a box of hair" as I like to say. That sounds pretty mean, but he really is. He isn't going anywhere. He is a 5th year high school student. If you carry on a conversation with him that involves a word with more than 5 letters, he is lost. Unless it is about auto mechanics. Then he will talk your ear off. Or if it is about drugs, he can talk 499000 miles an hour on that subject. We were just too different. I'm not into drugs and stuff and I am 17 and already in college. He is a pot head (along with other things) and he's 19 and still in high school. He is going nowhere. He wrote me a really shitty letter today. It made me feel like crap. It was along the lines of "I am nothing. You are too good for me. I should have known that the second I got something good I would lose it. "  How am I supposed to respond to somthing like that?????  My friends said it was his feeble attempt to win me back. A very feeble attempt. I am not conned into taking someone back because they make me feel guilty for ruining their life. I feel really bad though, because his parents absolutely adored me. I was everything they wanted him to be. I am fairly intelligent, Christian, drug-free, etc. I feel kinda like I let them down. But I wasn't getting to him. I couldn't change him. It's not my fault right??  What could I do?  I can lead him to the right path, but I can't force him to change. I showed him what Christianity did for my life, did in my life, what influence God had over me. But he was so stuck on his paegan ways. He told me he was going to quit drugs for me, but he never did. I can't be with someone for the sole reason of trying to change them. I don't know. I miss my ex-boyfriend. Not the same guy. A different one. We went out for 3 years, then he slept with my best friend. On that ridiculously long survey that we had to do for this class, that "worst depression" stuff was caused by him. 3 years!!!  And then he just threw it all away. Gosh, I miss him terribly. Sometimes I still cry at night thinking about him. I have yet to find a love so strong like I had with him. Have you ever felt that?  That feeling like you know, I don't know exactly what you know. You just know something. That feeling deep inside. That feeling noone else can give you. I had that with him. We were even engaged. Engaged!!  He made me feel like I was something worth having. Well, until he screwed my EX best friend. Stupid whore!  I'm not bitter. Hehehe, anyway. I don't know. Sometimes he is all I can think of. I'll catch myself comparing other guys to him. Every other guy I have dated has been compared to him. Should I put a name to "him"?  His name is J. J. Anyway, I always have this emptiness inside me. I didn't feel empty with him. It was like he made me complete. And when he left, he took a big part with him. I know that sounds trite, but I can't think of any other way to describe it. Just pure emptiness. I got so depressed after the "incident"  that I didn't have the will to do anything. Nothing. I just laid there in bed. I would be in a trance through school just to come home and lay there. didn't get out of bed, didn't eat, didn't sleep. I never slept, but I was never awake either. It was like I was one of those vegetable people who was purely living because of the machines they are hooked up to. There was this invisible machine keeping me alive, and that was it. I was just existing. That's the word I was looking for. Existing. Nothing more, nothing less. I tried to make it less. Have the scars to prove it. Nothing I'm proud of. I had just reached the lowest I have ever felt. I'm sure it will happen again. I'm only 17. I'm sure I will find another guy that will fill the void JJ left, but then he will leave me too. So what's the use anyway?  Dating is just a vicious circle. Someone is bound to get hurt. If not you, then the other person. Unless of course you find that one person that doesn't have the urge to bang one of your friends. But shit, that even happens in marriages. You think you found that one person that won't screw you over, and what happens? They screw some younger, prettier girl. Gosh, I'm really bitter. When did I get this bitter??  Is it bitterness or cynicism?  I can never tell the difference. Maybe I'm a little (or a lot) of both. <Deep sigh>  One minute left. Okay, now I'm depressed. I was in a good mood after my audition. Then I get to thinking. Damn thinking. It never does me any good. I always seem to think about things that depress me. I think it is because all of my good memories are linked to painful ones. So I try to think of good ones, but it just takes a turn for the worse. Adios! 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: y, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y