I hate this type of assignment, the kind of work that tries to force a thought into one's head. Thoughts should come naturally, and when the mind is prompted, then nothing comes to it. Well, as long as I'm supposed to be thinking, let's think about why I'm doing this. It's to get a good grade. Why do I do anything. I always seem to respond in a manner in which the answer seems acceptable to everyone else. Maybe I'm doing this to please everyone else: my instructor, my parents, myself. So why do I do everything else that I do?  Why do I devote so much time to working out and exercise?  Is it because I want to fool myself into living longer?  Is it to mold my body in such a way as to attract others and get their attentions. I always say that I just don't want to become weak, that when I find someone to protect, I want to be able to protect them. But if I am always desparately trying to find this person that would fill the current void in my life, why is it I push everyone away?  My friends, my peers, my elders?  I don't do what everyone says is "fun. "  I don't hang around others for long, I don't go to parties, and I rarely impart what I truly feel. It seems as if I've been hiding half my life, hiding from others and from myself. Inside, I scream to myself, "go out have fun meet new people you boring dolt!"  and in my mind I'm always prepared to do so, but when the moment of truth comes about, I never act out my true intentions, either being intimidated or discouraged. I remember when I went to that UT freshman orientation. My friend said when you get to the dance, just go up to people, introduce yourself, and ask for a dance. And he's a loser. But it worked for him, so I tried it myself. The first time, rejected. The second time, rejected. The third time, rejected, and even I know that 3 strikes is out. I get so sick of hearing excuses like oh I'm too tired or I don't feel like it. Yeah right. Then why the hell are you here at the dance?  Just give me a straight and vehement no and I'll be on my way, not even to think twice about the encounter. Now on strike three, I had another reason for retiring that night. That girl, the way she looked, the way she acted, it was deja vu. I went to another country with a girl like that, stood by her side, opened my heart to her, and offered it to her. She led me on, to believe that for once, I had an opportunity for love, that it was my time in the spotlight, and with the most beautiful girl I have ever been with. Visually stunning, patient but forceful, and gentle, someone to listen. I thought I finally found her, and felt as though I was riding above clouds. Then I just came down hard with the rain. I've never been the same afterwards, because everything was seen in a different light. This third girl at the dance, the rudeness didn't get to me, but the memories of heartbreak was just too much to handle. I asked Tonia out to the dance once, and she came. But we never danced. I asked and she ignored. Just like This time. Love. I'm too young to know its true meanings, and too inexperienced to have any justification in even corrolating it with the words I or me. I'm always looking for "love" for companionship without even really knowing what to look for. It can't just be the person that gives you that indescribable burning feeling within. Too many times has that happened. I say to myself, you know what love is. You loved Tonia, because all you ever did was argue, yet you could stand it. She broke your heart, lied to you, worked behind your back, carried you up and dropped you, and yet you still thought of her. Hell, you still think of her. You've been talking to her as a friend and the feeling has never left you. Isn't that enough to be love?  It's as close as I've gotten, I'm sure, but what about prom. To have danced with someone I've never known before, to talk, and to, after so long, have fun. When I held her in my arms, and her hair brushed my face as the slow songs played through, what was that feeling. Was it a feeling of completeness, of safety that as long as with her that nothing can go wrong?  What was that?  I go through sleepless nights thinking of Christie sometimes, someone who I never gave a second thought to until that moment I told her goodbye. The moment in which the swelling in my throat caught even me by surprise. But am I looking for love or just someone. I don't want to end up like my uncle, having married a woman only because she threatened to commit suicide. Is he happy?  Am I happy now?  no, I'm not. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y