The start of this semester has been again full of stress and anxiety. I wake up everyday depressed and knowing that the day will only bring about more problems. It is a bit pessimistic of me but this is what I am used to. For instance, right now I can feel my head throbbing because of my headache. The only reason I have it in the first place is because of school. The hardships of being a pre-med student have already taken a toll on me and sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to continue. The only think that keeps me going is the thought of one day making my parents proud. Yet, this means that I have to do extremely well in all of my classes and for the past year I have done far from that. I constantly worry about my GPA and not getting into medical school and it gets to a point where I tune out everything else. I'm even thinking about my chances at medical school right now typing this diary". This is the sad truth about me and I try to cope with it. I remember in the summer I had lost all care of school and GPA and I was finally happy and in a world of peace. I had thought that my return back to school would be much for more exciting because I had stopped worrying about this whole pre-med issue. Sadly, I'm here again thinking about it non-stop. Its almost like I go to school to impress my family rather than trying to have a fun filled 4 years. Why is it so difficult to become a doctor if you know that its what you want to do? Why do I have to compete with my peers for the few spots open in medical schools? Sometimes these questions drive me nuts. I try my best to distract myself from it. Like right now I'm listening to the rain hit my window. The sound of it crashing my window is so soothing and peaceful and I wish I was just outside splashing around. My life has turned into this academic challenge and I hardly have time for myself and my needs. I guess that's why I join organizations. Then again, they make matters only worse when they share with me how wonderful their GPAs are. I would do freshmen year all over again in a heartbeat if someone ever gave me the chance. I regret the recklessness I showed toward my work, thinking it was all going to be a piece of cake like high school. Maybe that is why I make my brother study so much. I never want him to make the mistakes I made yet am I ruining his own social life by doing this? I believe I don't. I think that in the end he will be thankful because he won't have to worry about taking 17 hours very semester just to raise his GPA so that schools will think of him as "competitive". I wish sometimes I had had a guide. My roommate from last year was a business major and all he did was read a textbook for 10 minutes and then watch TV and I would undoubtedly get dragged in. It makes me so angry to think that I was so immature and nonchalant. On a side note, I've never ranted so much before especially on the computer. It's kinda helping me to take off mental burden that I carry. However, staring at this bright monitor is only increasing my headache. Anyways, I basically just frustrate myself over this whole medical school dilemma. I wish I could just go into the future and not have to worry about this anymore. The day I get the acceptance letter (or rejection letter) will be the happiest day of my life. I'll probably try again the next year but it won't matter to me as much anymore. I don't really know how to explain it but that same anxiety that goes with "first times" won't be there anymore. I've considered many majors and have really thought about doing something else with my life but somehow I'm always dragged back into medicine. Maybe its the challenge that I like even though at times I would gladly give it up. Maybe I worry so much about my future because I really want to see myself become a doctor. This is truly my passion and I'll never give up on it no matter how hard it gets at times. I just hope I'm not the only one going through this hysteria because it would really make me look like a psychopath after this. Even so, something tells me that I'm not alone out there and sometimes that just brightens up my day even if it's for a short while. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y