September 4, 1997   I am not too sure what to write about. I am hungry right now. I have anorexia nervosa, so I not only am constantly thinking about food, I also won't allow myself to eat it when I want it. I am actually in the recovery stages right now. I have been battling this for two years now, have been in the hospital twice, and have had therapy involving nutritional counseling, psychiatry, and group therapy. The only treatment left for someone in my position is to go to long-term therapy. That treatment would be out of state (in Arizona) and would last at least 60 days. It doesn't sound appealing to me at all, but despite the threats that my psychiatrist has faced me with, it still doesn't make it any easier to eat. The battle is all in my head. It is my mind that will not "allow" me to eat when I am hungry, and it is my mind that tells me I don't need to gain weight, that I am not critically underweight, and that I am physically in good shape. The whole thing is very confusing to me. My psychiatrist has shed some light on the whole thing, but still no one can completely explain things like this that involve the mind. I think this class is interesting so far. I have enjoyed reading in the book already because I deal with this stuff on a daily basis. I am constantly battling my mind, and trying to figure out its trickery. My psychiatrist says that this is the best class out of all the ones I am taking this semester. (I think she's a little partial to the subject myself. )   I have to go see her on Tuesday, which is only 5 days away and I am scared half to death. She scares me with her threats to send me to treatment, but like I said, apparently it doesn't scare me enough because it doesn't make it any easier for me to eat. Right now, she has threatened me by saying I will have to go to the treatment center if I haven't gained 15 pounds by a certain date. That date is coming up in two weeks. I have had this agreement with her since the end of June. I am really very scared because I really do not think I have gained near that much. It's strange how I can think about it realistically and know that I am still not eating enough and then my irrational side of my mind will come in and tell me I am fine and don't need to gain. But, as the date comes closer to my appointment, I will start to gradually get more afraid, and get mad at myself for not doing enough. And still, that won't make it any easier to eat a thing. You have to make yourself feel totally like crap if you are going to get over an eating disorder. You won't want to do it, you'll feel incredibly anxious and angry with yourself for letting yourself go. I have experienced this a few times ( like in the hospital), but I haven't been able to do much of this by myself. It seems like it isn't worth it to let yourself feel so bad when you could just avoid the problem and not feel the anxiety. Instead, by ignoring it, you get to feel hungry, tired, irritable, you get to think about food all the time because of your low body weight, you make your family freak out, you risk losing your car and your opportunity to go to college. It seems that the negatives of not eating strongly outweigh the positives of not eaten, and I can logically see that. My mind is just totally screwed up, which the doctors say will get better when my weight and body fat percentage increase. I hope I will make it to the point soon. It's just all too confusing to explain. I am sure everyone thinks I am crazy, but you just can't explain to someone how you feel. I wish there was a cure or some more insight to it. I am interested in what this class has to say about things like this. Maybe I'll get some more insight into it (if that is possible since I live it!)      

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: n