There's a picture of the two of us up on my bulletin board. It's right behind my computer where I can see it when I'm working. I look at that picture and remember my past. I remember a time when I thought that things were different than they really are. I don't think anymore that it was anyone's fault, either hers or mine, that is. I respected her so much though, and it hurts to be let down by someone you think so highly of. In the picture, I look so innocent and young, in my white cheerleading skirt, and the royal blue shell with Eagles written across it. Her arm is around my shoulder, and she's holding her sunglasses in her hand. I recall that she had just taken them off before we took the picture. There are people in the background behind us, and the gym is visible. I remember how beautiful the day was; it was so crisp and blue and wonderful. It's hard to tell, and I've wondered many times, what exactly she was thinking when we took that picture together. When I look at the face, the eyes especially, sometimes I see something warm and trustworthy. Other times I'm sure I see something sinister and strange. I don't know why I still struggle with this issue so much. I've never really gotten over it. I went into this assignment knowing that I wanted to write about Carla because in class, I heard something said about how writing about something can change your opinion or the way you look at something. Well, it is true that I'm noticing things about the picture, minute details, that I didn't pay too much attention to before. But her face and her eyes are still an enigma to me. I can't explain in words how much I want her to care about me, to love me, and to think I'm something special. I want to tell her everything that I've done today and yesterday and since I arrived here. But she's back home, and I'm here, and there's something ominous to me about writing her an email. I don't know why. I miss her so much. She was there when I really needed someone. I see now more and more, that this was mostly situational. It's not like she planned to be in that room when my whole world fell apart. But she was. And she told me how to get through it, and she cared. More than any person has ever cared about me on this earth, at least that I'm aware of. The picture is truly beautiful, even though it's more than 5 years old. The light is in our hair, coming from behind, and our faces are bright and illuminated. The beauty of the day is apparent. I just feel like something needs to happen between us. There was never any closure for me, or continuation. Our relationship just sort of drifted off and never returned, and now I don't know where we are. I saw her by chance before I left for college at church because we are making a new church pictorial, and her family happened to be getting their pictures done on the same night as our family. I was very surprised to see her, and I know my heart skipped a beat. I hadn't seen her in such a long time. probably since before school let out for the summer. The truth is, I was a little bit upset with her for not being around. But she was nothing but warm and kind to me. I don't know why she always does that. I see her, and it's like I'm the whole world. But then when we're apart, I don't hear a peep. I don't understand our relationship sometimes, and it's very hurtful to me to analyze her possible motives. Anyway, she hugged me, and touched me, and stood close to me, and made me promise to keep in touch when I'm gone. She even promised to make me some chili or something when I come back and come over to her house. I fear that that's an empty promise, like so many of the others. But at the time, it was easy to believe her. I really think it's something to do with her eyes. You have never seen anyone with such power behind their gaze. She is so earnest with her eyes, but so untruthful with her actions. It confuses me to no end. I don't even know why I brought the picture with me, or why I decided to place it in such an obvious place where I can always see it. But I did. I guess my hopes die hard. I still hope that maybe she really does care about me. Maybe she really does think I'm special. Maybe, she does even really love me. I don't know what to believe. I think maybe this evening when I have some time to myself, I'll write her that email that I've been meaning to. I think maybe I could even get up the courage to be totally honest with her, and get everything out in the open. Well, maybe that's a little too unrealistic, but maybe I can begin to open it up for discussion. I think it would be very good for me to do so. I want to know what's really behind those eyes. I've got to know about the truth. I really desire to understand the enigma. My dear Carla.       

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: y