I can hear my roommate clicking on her mouse as she searches for something over the Internet. She's doing her homework, which, to me, seems overwhelming. It's not like high school where even the hardest classes were easy. They were all just blow off courses to me. I never had to really work because the teachers never really graded. College is different though. It's real. High school never counted for anything, but college can determine your whole life. That is what worries me. I feel that one little screw up can ruin my entire life. I have so many worries, so many fears of the future, of making a wrong turn. Man. I look at it now and run into a corner, trying to hide from it. I remember I use to think high school was important, but it never was. I always felt I wasted my high school years. I should have spent more of it doing things I shouldn't have been doing, not doing things I should have been doing. I could have had more fun, I guess. I did have a lot of friends, though. But, I recently met an acquaintance from high school; he didn't think I had any friends. How sad, I thought. He thought I was a loner and made me name all my friends. I didn't even get through half of them, and he said to stop. It's strange. This is the guy whose motto is don't judge. He judged. Everyone judges, even those who promise they won't. I guess in a way he's a hypocrite, but everyone is a hypocrite. That's what's wrong with this world. Society always makes rules, they tell others don't do something, but yet, they still end up doing it themselves. My friend told me that if evil didn't exist then there could be no good. There would be no standards for good. That's very true, I thought. Everyone would always be on the same ground, and no one could be called a genuinely good person. That wouldn't exist and the happiness from finding one who is actually genuinely good wouldn't exist either. Then there's one less thing to be happy about in this world. We need all we can get. There are to many starving people in this world, too many sick, dying, thirsty. There are always abundances where they aren't wanted and not enough where it is wanted. Like recently, Australia was overcome with huge floods. I remember having to take off my shoes and roll up my pants to walk through a river that wasn't supposed to be there. Dead fish floated in it because the water was so cold. There was too much water there, not enough here. But this memory was happy, nonetheless. It was a strange thing that I would normally not have to do. I stood on the tip of my toes with my gear slung over my back and shoulders and walked carefully as to not step on the mounds of dead fish sitting on the river bend. The fish were sad. They died of cold, but in a way it was fascinating to see them. They were being eaten away by bacteria, and their eyes were huge and black, and empty. Their fins were torn up and gills were opened from the bacteria chewing at them. It was horrible, but at the same time fascinating and wonderful. How strange. I'm so against killing animals, but at the same time, something like this is a magnificent sight. I guess that makes me a hypocrite too. No one can avoid being a hypocrite no matter how hard they try. I say I try not to act on my judgments, but I always do, if not then there could be no opinions, and everyone would be naive. In a way though, I have it better than others, I think. I don't see people when I think of them; instead I see the colors I associate with them. How strange, I always think, but that's how I really do see them. I can never see a person unless I actually try to look at their face and when I do, it's strange. It's not familiar. I looked at my sister's face, and even though I've known her my entire life, I was surprised that is the way she actually looks. How strange. My friends think I'm strange for that reason I think. I can't see a person, I can only see their colors, and when I look at a person, they don't seem like the person I know. Because of this, I never look at people anymore. I forget how they look, but I always remember the feeling they give me when I'm around them and the emotions they stir up. I think this is the best way to think. I'm glad I can't see like I'm supposed to. I always have a layer before real sight, and it's wonderful. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: y