aimagic/big5essay huggingface dataset:
Coincidentally I always manage to surround myself with strange characters that unfortunately seem to have no passion for life, with the exception of a few. I seem to notice that the majority of people are concerned with the trivial, the meaningless the absurd. Fitting into societal norms seems to dominate my generation. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to fulfill my existence to the maximum without leaving pout my loved one's or those who do not seem to pursue the same spiritual quest that I seem to be challenged with. The awakening of this dream has led me to search more "myself". Where should I begin? It is rare when I feel somebody is listening or understanding where I come from. These strange characters which I always seem to attract are convinced that their perspective on things is the only thing that matters and that the phenomenon of life is something one should get over, move on, think about something else like how you are going to succeed in life. I live in a dream state where the symbols of nature are constantly confronting me leaving me confounded and in awe but how do I move past that in order to fulfill and answer many of my questions which at this point are leaving me insatiable. Lately I've been paying attention to my dreams. I've noticed a pattern of dreams THAT LEAD OR SIGNAL TO A HIGHER SOURCE , BEING, STATE of consciousness. I can't contemplate the beauty, the colors, it all seems so supernatural and nobody seems to understand much least care about what they're. I've also had a couple f nightmares where I am constantly being watched and followed by a large amount of males. I guess I have difficulty and although I ashamed about this, I have a hidden fear of the male gender. I look around and I see a patriarchal world that insists on leading me to believe that everything is difficult and only the very best, the smartest will survive and coincidentally most of them happen to be men. Anger dominates this thought,  all my life I've been able to pull through "waking up" has made me realize that we are in "deep shit'. I mean I walk into my college chemistry class and this beautiful blonde woman is teaching this class of about 500 people and I am in awe. Why is it so difficult to contemplate that a woman does have the innate ability to do science. This woman reminds me of myself. I am mad at myself for finding myself noticing the fact that she is female. I question how she is treated by her male dominated colleagues. Do they underestimate her, how hard does she have to work in order to prove herself, and if she were ugly would it make a difference. It is too difficult to overlook these questions I face them everyday. Constantly have to prove myself and I am sick and tired of the preconceived notions that people have about women 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y
I wonder if the more you study the easier it becomes to study for longer periods of time, like a muscle becomes used to extended strenuous activity. . I met this great looking girl at a frat party the other night(I am a kappa sig. )and I asked her to go to the rice game with me, she said she would, I went to her dorm too. she is really nice and amazingly beautiful. about thirty minutes ago I saw her going up the elevator with another guy, I wonder constantly what she thinks about me or if she does at all. Not that I'm upset a great deal or anything, I mean I hang out with girls all the time that are just friends, maybe he was like that with her. I hope so, don't mean to sound obsessed. I actually prayed last night for the first time in a long time, it felt good, I mean I believe in God very strongly even though I don't live the perfect Christian life by a long shot, sometimes I feel bad about praying because of what do (Namely drugs and partying). deep down I know that God wants me to talk to him all the time but its like facing a nun when you're stoned. (personal experience). like looking unto something that's holy (or perfect) and knowing that you're heart and soul aren't really of any comparison to theirs. I even asked God to help me "get" this girl I like so much. seems a bit childish in some ways, but I think he will let happen what's best for me. College has been so overwhelming so far, I just seem to keep going with what's happening in classes and my obligations to the fraternity, I think if I slowed down, and had time to think I might become a little more anxious but so far I've coped alright, I'm a pretty laid back person, not too much gets to me. the key I think to dealing with transitions like this is having good friends, I've got this girl from back home that I hang out with a lot. she is very cool and down to earth and I respect her a lot because she respects herself, and she is willing to talk about anything, sometimes more than I'm comfortable with, but she seems to know when something is into my risk side of conversation. . 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: y, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y
so far this freshmen year has been a intereasting adventure if you like S&M. I came down a month early to go with my friends to go to all these fraternity parties and meet a few musicians and audio engineers I have had correspondence with since I recorded my CD. The fraternity parties weren't that great except for a Kappa Sigma one that was pretty wild. I pledged for two days before it hit me that this was a waste of time. Not that waiting in endless lines (with endless hassles) to shell out more money to this fine universtity isn't making me age before my years. I am getting use to the regamorand of rude cafeteria & accounting people and trecking to classes in BFE. I can't say it's all been bad though I did get a free T-shirt and a lot of nefty junk people shove into your hands as you try to walk by. Oh, and then there are the roads with the none existent left turns, constant construction, 30-min limit parking (when you can find it), and cops that stop you for the fun of it. I don't know if its been- oh it gives you more space well then I can continue to ramble. College is supposed to be the best years some say. I think I should of keep better stock in my highschool years. Now except for parties I live like a reclouse in my apartment doing homework for a foriegn language I don't want to learn and trying to write more music while the people above me sound like there having basketball pratice up there. I'm sure it has been atleast twenty minutes by now and if you 've read this far then you're probably ready to quit reading by now. So I'll let you off till I have to write the next one. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: y
and I feel like I'm starting to get sick, and I really feel like going home for a while and forget about everything involved with college and responsibility. oh well I'm also really sick of guys and everything that they bring about in my life. not really but they seem to confuse me a lot, especially when the one I really love is way too old for me, but he is my best friend. I can't even sleep anymore because I have so much on my mind, everything that was familiar to me in my life has been dramatically changed in a period of a couple of weeks. I miss my family not like homesick but just miss being a part of my family circle. I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere anymore. when I go home all my stuff is here and I feel like I'm missing something important in my life when I'm away from home. I am really worried about money, I have a car payment due in about a week and I feel bad taking money from my parents constantly. I am still working some in san Antonio but it gets hard to go back and forth every other weekend. but I'm worried about not working at all because I need money now more than ever. the real reason I don't want to quit working there is because my boss is like my best friend who I am madly in love with and who I have been in love with for the last 2 years. I miss him so much and if I don't work there anymore I'm afraid I won't get to see him anymore. that would be one of the worst things that could happen he makes me laugh I get mad at him but I get mad at him because I do love him. oh well obviously he is in my mind more than just about anything. I forget about him occasionally when I go out with my friends or other guys, but the minute I think I have forgotten about him. he calls. he called me 4 times this weekend, and it makes me wonder what is he thinking does he miss me as much as I miss him if I'm lucky the answer is yes, but he may just think of me as a really good friend. and maybe that is all we are meant to be I just want to get out in the open even though I'm sure he all ready knows. but I'm young I should only be thinking about school but that can be easier said than done 18 years. of my life was spent in san Antonio and I miss everything I left behind even though I am enjoying things here too I mean it is all a new experience and I like not having to really answer to anybody but myself and God. even though I completely respect my parents it was time for me to grow up and lead my own life and make all my own decisions. that is all.    

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: y, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y
Many Why's are predominant. Why do I seem to feel unwanted at times?  Why do I seem to feel betrayed at times. Why do I seem to feel like a failure at times? Why do I seem to have lost a yearn for optimism?  Many of these feelings come and go but many do stay implanted in my head. My head is just a constant waterfall. Tons of ideas rushing through mixing at a point which creates pandemonium. My head is a maze which produces many blocks such as this Wall, why when my mother phones me I become bored all of a sudden? I love her dearly and I know that she must be lonely with all her kids off to College. It is because she misses me and because she loves me. Why can't I make that extra effort to make her feel wanted. What can't I give her the same feeling that she makes me feel. Emotions run one-sided in her phone calls. I feel a superfluous feeling of want and she must not feel any. Corrections can be made to this but I just don't try. How can I think that I am determined to do well in college?  How can I feel that I will be persistent and successful in life?  If I can feel determined, persistent, and successful in these things, then why is it that I feel determined, persistent, and successful, right before I speak to my mom in order to make her feel wanted and then I fail. Is this a preview of what is to come in my future, not only with family relations but also with life experiences. Will I continue to think "I can" and will I continue to fail? How can I practice my ways to perfect them. How can I execute my feelings and my hopes. How can I make them come true. How many times do I have to continue to tell myself that this is the way its going to be or that that is the way it is going to be and in the back of my mind I know that it will never be the way that I intend it to be. Does this mean that I am a failure?  What does it mean?  Should it be something to worry about. Will my mother some day get "fed-up" with me. Can this defect ruin my entire life?  Is it a defect?  Why do I think about this stuff? Is it just conscious nature? Why all these Whys I don't know, but what I do know is that there is purpose for everything, and maybe my purpose of life was to wonder why. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: n
I'm really not sure what to write because I just am not feeling anything right mow but I am feeling good because I am listening to good music and that is something that will always make me feel good and I don't know why but even if I am really down music picks up and makes me feel better and I especially like to go to see live shows that is just about the only thing I really love to go out and do usually I would rather just sit at home and watch TV or listen to music. I am also feeling hungry and my roommate is making some vegetarian chili which kind of scares me because I am not really into vegetarian meals but hey I might as well eat it if he is going to make it. I am also wondering how long I have been writing because it seems like a long time but I think it has only been like ten minutes or so and I am running out of things to say. I guess could talk about this girl I am seeing. She is really cool but I don't really think I want to get involved with her in the way she wants to get involved with me, but I guess I should go out on another date before I come to that conclusion. That has been something that has been bothering me because she apparently likes me a lot, but I just don't think I like her in that way that she likes me and guess that now I am out on my own this is the first real problem I have had was dating and to tell you the truth it scares the hell out of me because when it comes to sex you never know what kind of diseases a girl might have and that scares me a lot. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: n
Today was pretty interesting. for a Monday. I only had two classes (Calculus and my favorite class with my favorite professor Mr. Pennebaker, who is an inspiration to me and an overall wonderful, smart, and funny guy). Do I get an A?  Anyway, my friend and I are waiting until about 11 pm so we can go to Blockbuster to buy "Titanic. "  Yes, we're crazy girls. Blockbuster is actually having a small Titanic party to celebrate its release. Phenonenal, huh?  I think so. Wow, only four minutes have gone by. I guess I type too fast. I     w  I  l  l    s  l  o  w     d  o  w  n. My roommate just asked me if I would hate her if she turned into a lesbian. Random question, huh?!  I told her "No. "  She is trying out for rowing and another girl said that there are a lot of lesbians that are on the team. It grosses her out, but she's still curious and thinks it might not be that bad. I think it's perfectly normal, especially in college, to be curious about those kind of things. I am. How many movies have they made about college kids trying out new stuff?  Now is the perfect time to explore our sexuality. It does bother me that she thinks she will "turn into" a lesbian without her consent. Is that even possible?  I don't think it is. Some people say that you're born gay and that it's not their fault. I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.     

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: y, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: n
I'm always the last one to know he said. I know the feeling. What can I do to reach you?           You can know anything he said. but I didn't ask- I didn't know how. and is the offer still there? Are we ready to take it?  We've passed being ready. We never had a real beginning or middle- just skipped into this end? I want to slip into reverse. Where is our beginning?  Did it die when we said I love you?  You make it too powerful- I make it romantic abandon. I was afraid. I think I'm losing you- and I don't know how to fight that. I'm not sure I really know what we mean. . Maybe I was wrong for holding back- but you held back too- We both did. Let us lie together and hold one another and love. I look at you. looking at me. seeming wonder- take your hat off. smile at me through the cracks in your skin. Why do I get this feeling that in the course of my life I will have to become a Queen of letting go-?    . . a master. an expert- flawless mover. mask of beauty. horror. What is real?  I know. got me a name- but names change. Have this face. so do they sometimes. still, here I am. can close my eyes. learn to fly. far away-  To someplace where faces are real. no gunk to cover 'em. no baggage to smash 'em. I am only as free as I really want to be. As I allow myself to be- Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose- you go Janis baby- I don't remember the last time I was free. security. A face is security. can be. Lie down- daydream. sleep things off- give it time, start over. I'm so lonely. need to find someplace in myself- tap into my soul and dig out the pain. You Dwell on answers without thinking and lose yourself temporarily- What is the answer?  Hey didn't you know that 42 is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?  Bet on that 42- whatever 42 is. Go with it- run with- and try not  to think too hard about the way you see him- the way they curve in your mind- try to fill the empty space beside you with movement- try not to stop and then you won't miss. but that's not true. The Talmud had it right- We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are. And that is the sole truth- even when we think we cannot see ourselves. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: y
I really miss my home town, but only because I'm not comfortable in my new surroundings. my friends seem short- lived and artificial, and my classes seem all too real and incredibly healthy. I'm constantly worrying that I'll fail and I seem to be hanging out with my thoughts too much, sometimes I feel they are a bad influence on me. I'm only happy when I'm doing something, and people tell me it's because I don't like to deal with my problems. it's true, but at this time I don't care. I have a hard time concentrating, sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I probably don't , but I like to think I do. they call that a hypochondriac right? I have a question: does  believing you are a hypochondriac mean that you are suffering from something else? I hope so, petty mental problems are better that physical problems. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: y, Neuroticism: y, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: y
my mom should be here in about 45 min are we going out to eat or will I have to wait till we get home. who will get the front seat in her car?  I wonder what will be going on in temple when we get back should I go to the football game or hang out with Adam and his friends. it will be our anniversary tomorrow so I should do something with him tomorrow and go to the game tonight. my poor puppy. I really miss him I hope he doesn't shrivel up and die like my mom said sometimes to pets when their owners go away to college. he's been staying under my bed even at dinner. this must be serious. I wonder if Adam and I will stay together. I know that every time a big transition in our lives has occurred, like school starting, things have always been kind of weird. now I guess it's just the same thing. we have a lot of fun one day and then the next thing are weird. I guess that it  is just us adjusting. I can't believe that Lori talked about all of the guys who have stalked her for 25 min this morning in the loudest voice possible. now the whole house knows how desirable she is. this song is annoying but if I get up and change it I won't be able to get back on my writing track. it's over now. she even brought up that guy who threw her in the trash can when she rejected him. she told us that that was back in sixth grade. I guess she is just feeling insecure and needs to tell people that others really do like her. she needs to work on her social skills. I feel sorry for Lindsey. she on the other hand seems to be doing great. I guess she bonded with the other girls during the smoke breaks. it kind of sucks that things that I don't want to do , like smoke or drink keeps me from getting closer to the other girls in the house. after all it is only the second week and I'm sure things will change. I haven't really met that many new people that I want to develop friendships with but strangely I don't even care. I like being by myself more than I used to. I guess that is normal, maybe even a defense mechanism. my mom should be here in half an hour now. I don't even really miss anything about home, except for my dog of course,  probably because I distanced myself from it enough that I was even disgusted with the town in the last week. that helped. I'm glad that I can analyze my own feelings and realize why I'm having them. it helps sort things out and helps me realize that I am having normal reactions to a big transition. I hope that misty is doing alright. I can't believe that Alyson said that about her. she is so inconsiderate and self centered. she wants to hang out on Saturday but I really have no desire to see her. she has become somewhat of a slut in my opinion. twenty minutes is up it was nice talking to you Mr. computer. you should be a therapist 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: y, Conscientiousness: y, Openness: y
I have read for classes almost all day. I can't concentrate on anything that I start to do. I will read a couple of pages, and then I will take a break, or I will do something else. I don't want to get behind, but I just am not motivated at all. I want to have all my reading done for my classes before I go to them. Everyone tells me that it will help me to understand the lectures. I don't want to be catching up all week. I want to try to get my reading assignments for next week done before I go home for Labor Day. I am excited about going home on Thursday. I don't want to have to read anything while I am there. I have not seen my friends for almost three weeks, and I will finally get to see them, not just talk to them on the phone. I don't really talk that long to people in the phone. I have only talked to my best friend three times in the two weeks that I have been here. I feel like I have been in Austin forever. I came to school early for Rush. Sometimes I wish I would not have gone through Rush. I did not get into my first choice sorority, but I got into one with really nice girls. I don't know whether this is something that I want to do anymore. I don't even know if I can get out of it. I just can't wait to go home where life is normal. I just want things to be like they have been all of my life. In the past two weeks, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't feel like I have to stay here. I feel like in the next few weeks this will all be over and I will go back home where I have always been. I do enjoy my classes. Right now, they do not seem to hard,  but I am sure they will get much harder. I only know one person (at the most) in my classes. I feel like I do not have any friends. I meet all kinds of different people, but I would not consider them my friends. Even some of my high school friends are not my friends any more. My best friend all through high school is the only person that I still talk to. I dated my other best friend during high school, and we were finally becoming friends again after breaking up, and then it was time to leave. Now, I find out that he was lying to me about almost everything. I don't understand why he could not tell me the truth. It is not like I care who he dates, but it would be nice to hear it from him, and not from other people. I don't know about other people. All this makes me question all the people who I thought were my friends. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I can't do anything to stop it. I would really like to feel settled here. I want to feel like this is my home. I know that it will take time. I just wish time would elapse quickly. I think things will get a lot better once I get into sorority and school a little more. 

Big Five personality labels — Extraversion: n, Neuroticism: n, Agreeableness: n, Conscientiousness: n, Openness: n