I had to wait until today to do this assignment because every time I wanted to do it or remembered to do it, my boyfriend Michael was in the room. I didn't feel like I could do a true stream of consciousness assignment if I knew that he was going to look over my shoulder at any second. I guess I knew that my mind was on other things besides him at the time; stuff that I didn't want him to know about. He would kill me. Not in the literal sense of course but in any case, he would be destroyed. If I told him what I was thinking it would be the end. I don't want it to be the end. I'm not saying I don't want it to (I've got mail, and I really want to check it, but I'm going to keep typing) go on forever, but I love him enormously and if I told him that while he was gone for an evening I slept in another guy's bed and we ended up fooling around. that would obviously not be exactly great for my relationship with Michael. I've always been big on honesty, but why can't I bring myself to tell him the truth about what happened between Damian and I? Maybe because he'd ask why and I'd say that I'm not even really sure why. That's a big problem with our conversations. If he asks me why or what's wrong (he says "what?" a LOT) I can't ever give him a straight answer because if there is something wrong then I usually can't pinpoint it enough to describe it and if I attempt to describe it, then it usually comes out sounding wrong and then he'll bring it up later because he's like an elephant. he never forgets. So I'm still trying to figure out why? Maybe I needed something exciting. I've known Michael for years and we've been dating for over 8 months. I was never really physically attracted to him, but only later I was because I loved him. The first time I met Damian I almost stopped in my tracks. I don't know why. maybe it was because the first time I saw him was when I walked into a friend of a friend's apartment (he's my friend's friend's roommate) he had his shirt off and was working on his laptop. After that night I couldn't stop thinking about him and I heard (dang it, why didn't I put an away message for my instant messenger. That friend of mine that I was just talking about IMed me but I told her I had 10 minutes left so I'll talk to her later. probably about this assignment and because we've been discussing this Damian issue) through the grapevine that he was attracted to me too. The next time I went over there I didn't really talk to him much. but the third time I was sitting on a couch watching movies with them and he sat next to me and we could tell that the chemistry was definitely there. After that we started emailing each (okay taking the towel off of my head. or maybe not, my hair's not quite dry yet. I'll just unwrap it) other. Then the night two weeks ago that Michael went to a concert, I went to Damian's apartment with my friend and we all hung out. Nothing too spectacular. I didn't intend on staying over but I developed a paralyzing headache and by the end of the night I was so sick that I couldn't move, much less drive. The guys offered to let me stay at the apartment so I wouldn't have to drive home and the rest is history. I felt so guilty lying in bed with him though. He had asked me if he could get in bed with me and I said yes. I said yes. I didn't move away when he put his arm around me or when he started rubbing my back. I didn't look at him when he started pulling me closer to him but I didn't pull away either. I was very still when he kissed my forehead, but I didn't tell him to stop there. Why didn't I? Because I wanted it. But I have a loyal, devoted, loving, honest, wonderful boyfriend already. Why did I want this, or think I needed it? It was thrilling. Even though Damian was a bad kisser. It was like kissing a large mouth bass. Eventually I gave in and snuggled next to him with our bodies nicely intertwined. It wasn't really sexual. For the most part. This is making me sound horrible. I probably am horrible. Yeah, I am. This was cheating. And by not telling him and by still communicating with Damian via phone now and still email, I continue to be deceptive. Damian doesn't even want an attachment because he travels a lot for his job and may even be moving to London at the end of the year. And I don't love him. I don't really know him. I've hardly been around him except for three or four times. We've had two meaningful conversations. The whole concept of a relationship with him is silly. Yet I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I met him and wondering about him, etc, etc. I just had to fix my towels because they were falling off of me (just got out of the shower before I started this). My palms are kind of damp, not good for a laptop probably. Okay, it's been more than 20 minutes so I'll stop now. I wonder why I wrote a confession of sorts. And I wonder if anyone will actually stop to read this. I'd better not save this, just in case Michael finds it. I'm terrible.