Start. the question is how can I make a good grade in this class? most people are smarter than me so I have to try harder to make a better grade. I know nothing, that is all I know. I don't know what to say when I see a stranger so I do not speak. frustrated. confused. tired. lucky. healthy. homesick. lonely. but its all good ill be alright tomorrow right? fuck you big country you bitch. there are so many new people here its overwhelming. I am mute. I want to make friends but I do nothing. stupid. harmless. harmful. nice. relaxed. worked out. bored. nothing really to say to mom and dad just what I did today. can't talk about some of the other things because there is no need for them to be burdened by my troubles. but they would like to hear it anyways. maybe I will try talking to them. am I crazy? I hope so. its so much more fun to be crazy. like in catch22, which I just finished reading. its really interesting to mess with people the way yosarrian did. I miss paris. I love it and hate it but love it more than hate. everyone is connected to everything else. especially in paris. I don't know anything right? because I am from paris? I'm so sick and tired of people from Houston, Dallas, Austin, san Antonio trying to make me feel inferior and they know everything so much better than I do. but I come from a small town and know I know nothing. who is smarter now? I love the country. there is nothing like it. big city people are pop people. they are so one way and not another. all the cheerleaders dress like brittney, all the guys dress like Backstreet boys or some rapper from the east coast they wish they could be like. in the country its all different. anything goes believe it or not. everyone listens to everything. everyone can dress however the hell they want to on any day and no one think differently. that's another thing that confuses me. I'm from the country and I listen to all kinds of music. everyone I meet is pretty much into one thing and thinks the other stuff is lesser quality until I put some stuff on and they say oh I like that now. but they know more than me. jester is like Westgate. drugs are everywhere and easily obtained. you just got to know who to ask. I'm glad I ain't into that. I stick with some beer myself. its funny how beer is harder to get than drugs here and everywhere I've been. the government has their focus on the wrong areas. I don't know much about government because it was so boring to me in high school. I may not even vote in this election because I don't see a real point in it. someone else has narrowed down my options so evidently they got that far they can do the rest. I miss brother sid. it hurt me when I found out he had passed on but I didn't cry. I really liked listening to him speak in church. he had a real way with words and was very emotional. our new preacher is a lot different as was to be accepted but its still not the same. he tries to make things to complicated and show his intelligence when everyone knows you are suppose to preach on a 3rd grade level. but why is that? that's like saying hey you wont get very far in your spiritual education if you never get higher that the third grade. third grade was when I broke my ankle outside running and some black girls started laughing at me. I stayed in school the rest of the day and was tough you know, trying to act tough. I didn't cry the next year either when I really messed it up jumping on a trampoline. I cried when I couldn't play baseball though. that was when I was good at baseball. before I wanted to quit so bad and cried while I was playing. of course I had a lot of shit going on in my life then. adolescence can be a bitch. but I was lucky enough to make it through it and once I got out of my depression I haven't really been in one since. I get sad a lot and have notorious mood swings but nothing major. rosanne is a huge influence in my life. i've never heard anyone else say that. she's has a totally different approach to life. laugh at yourself in the mirror every morning. make fun of yourself before others do so they know it doesn't really bother you and they wont make fun of you for whatever. water. drink. wet. still thirsty after every drink. don't know why that is. can't get the taste of chips out of my mouth right now. taste always makes me hungry. but i've already ate so there is no need to now that I am full and don't need to eat. I wonder what lindsey is doing right now? I think I have figured her out. she likes to tell people what she thinks will sound good and never lives up to anything she tells me. but she's my friend still. my friends in paris have all moved away. I wonder what andrew is doing in Arkansas right now. he just moved the other day I think cause of crazy ass aliece. she gets weirder and weirder everyday. like stevens roommate russell. that boy is strange. he thinks he is Mr. badass and knows everything. I wonder if he knows he's a spaz. he said my car system sounded like shit. he's listened to good systems and mine is shit. first time anyone has ever told me that before. maybe its true but still I don't even know they guy that well and he's only heard one time but he knows. I'm stupid. my arms hurt. they need to be stretched. I wonder how long i've written for. my roommate likes to play videogames and turn the sound up loud. have some respect man. I don't do stuff like that to him. I'm glad everyone isn't like me. then id feel different. have you ever thought of life as a cartoon or wished you could do stuff in cartoons? it makes it much more interesting. it also makes me more creative I think. or crazier. but I like doing it anyways. I haven't had a square in 4 days now. haven't had a beer since i've been here. maybe I will but I don't really miss it. they were wrong when they said I couldn't have fun without beer. what were they thinking? what was I thinking. I wish I would meet a girl that meshed with me. but if only get my treated badly again. oh well I'm not going to change cause I know one day it'll get me the girl i've been looking for. FINISH