i'm sitting at the pcl library, i can hear the computers humming, i'm typing kind of fast so i'm worried that people will find this annoying, because i sometimes do and sometimes when i click the mouse too fast some people get annoyed. my feet are really hurting from the bruises i think i got from the car accident on wednesday, i'm wondering if i should go to the university health center and talk to someone about it, but i don't know if i'll have time to go up there, and maybe there's nothing to worry about and bruises will fade by themselves anyway. now i'm thinking about the calculus quiz that i did yesterday, i did really bad on it. i ran out of things to say, i'm really sleepy. my uncle left today i feel bad that i didn't say goodbye but he left so early in the morning back to lebanon, i don't know how long it will be until i see him again but he wasn't as friendly as he was a year ago. i remembered last night that it was my 2 friend's birthdays, it was my brother's too and i didn't get him anything. . i really should have, i should go today, but i'm so concerned about how much money i've been spending lately, i don't work anymore and i'm running out of money i should be careful how much i spend, what will i do when i run out, i can't keep asking my dad for money everytime i want to go out for coffee. i just talked to my friend outside she got married last weekend and i was at her wedding and her husband's best friend really liked me and now he asks about me all the time and he wants to drive down from san antonio to see me but i'm so afraid of it, because i was so attracted to him at the wedding, and i thought about him so much after that,and i kept feeling that i wanted to be with him even though i knew i shouldn't have because i have a boyfriend and i must be loyal to him so that i can allow him to trust me because he's insecure sometimes so i don't know what to do. the guy's name is nathan and he's the kind of guy i would love to have as a friend but i don't think he's going to want to settle it at that and i'm afraid that even if he did, i might want more, which would be horribble because of my boyfriend. i'm not sure about my feelings anymore, i'm so afraid that what happened with my last relationship is going to happen all over because i'm so indecisive about my feelings. now i just want to go to sleep. i'm meeting my boyfriend after i finish writing and we're going out to lunch. i'm not that hungry. i know i should watch what i eat like i used to, but i don't anymore. it's becoming bad for me, i'm not even exercising like i used to. i don't know why, i just feel so tired. i got mad at my mom this morning and i feel bad, because it's not really her fault. well maybe it is, i just don't understand why she can't seem to help me out in the morning when she sees that i'm late, why can't she make me a sandwhich so that i can eat on my way out the door, instead of leaving the house with no breakfast and starving because i don't have time to do it myself. it takes her practically no effort, i don't understand. she must think it's a matter of teaching me to do things on my own but i think that's ridiculous, i just need a little help and she wouldn't do it. i'm looking at the time on the screen and i never realized how slow time can be sometimes. this spacebar on the keyboard is really starting to piss me off, what the hell is wrong with it. i'm getting to impatient, i hate it when it sticks. some people are typing really fast, too, i wonder if they're doing the same thing i am. i can't see their screen. a girl is listening to her headphones, it's a good idea. i wonder if we're allowed to burn our own music cd's, i saw a lady doing it at the ugl library and i really want to. but i asked my older brother and he said we're not allowed because those computers are used only for the scanner. supposedly. i'm swaying my chair right now, it calms me down. i want to listen to some music, the nice relaxing kind i listen to on 95. 5, i love that station. they put old music and it's so relaxing. yesterday i was seriously thinking about wearing a scarf. oh. . no that was today, in the shower. it's starting to bother me the way men look at me, as if i'm existing merely for their viewing pleasure, it's disgusting. i've realized lately that i've become very much less concerned with displaying my feelings, for example, if i don't like someone, i can ignore them and i don't care if they notice, or if they know that i don't like them. i never used to do that, i always used to fake it. but now i don't. maybe it's rude, but i'm tired of putting up with things i don't like. i've also noticed that i'm not as open minded as i one was. time is almost up i feel better, but i wonder what i'm going to go do now. i want to lay down somewhere, close my eyes. i feel like cuddling with someone. but my boyfriend won't do it, he'd just want to make out. i don't, i just want someone to hold me. suddenly i feel like crying a little bit. i don't know what's bothering me. a girl sat next to me who looks like jennifer the si instructor. those sessions are helpful.