i feel really weird HAVING to write something. Pressure?  Yeah. My   dormmates   are so loud. I can hear the tv blaring through the door right now. They woke me up this morning (on several accounts. )  I have to get used to this (or they have to SHUT UP! :) )  my dad called right as I started this. I would really like to talk to him, but I turned my phone off. Hopefully I can get through to him after I finish with this. I'm a really fast typer, this thing will probably be really long. Maybe I should slow it down some. I was really suprised that my dad called. I thought that I sent him a pretty nasty e-mail last night about paying for my books (i'm really just mad at him because he hasn't made the effort to come up and see me yet. )  but he sent me back another e-mail saying that he would give me the check for my books tomorrow. when he came up for lunch. Damn!  I hate it when he does that too me. Just when he fits the perfect category of a bastard father and I have a legitimate reason for hating him he pulls some shit like this. Also, looking back at my e-mail it wasn't nasty at all. Why can't I just tell him how I feel. It's a shame that no one in the Psych department is going to read this, because I'm sure that one could do some serious psycho-analysis on the way I feel about my father. I would really love to do research on girls from families where the father   abandoned   the family. See how they turned out in their romantic/sexual relationships, how they relate to other men. I know that I would probably be the perfect sterotypical   i don't have a daddy   girl. Insatiable sexual appetite, emotional codependency, needing to constantly be reassured that the ones I love most won't leave me. It makes me really sad what my dad has done to me. I don't think it's ever really angered me (i don't know that I've actually ever been REALLY angry at anything), but it makes me almost stiff with sadness. My roomate just walked in totally throwing my stream of consciousness off, but I think I was probably done with that thought anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do with my college education. There's just so much that I could see myself being really happy doing. I would love to go into print journalism (write for a newspaper or a magazine), psychology (what I talked about earlier), teaching (i don't know why. i just love kids and i feel that i'm a really good teacher), then there's politics. I could really see myself getting into a campaign. BUt last night I had a dream, so real that earlier today I couldn't remember whether it had really been a dream that I just HAD to get into the College of Communications. I wonder if that holds any weight to what I really want to do. HOw logical does it sound to make a career descision on a dream?  Some might say that it's very logical, like Mom. I love her so much. I remember when I was a freshman in high school and brainwashed by FBBA, and we would get into these huge religious debates. Now I think that there may be more truth to what she thinks than what I believed. I miss her and Austin so much that it hurts. I'm cryng now just thinking about it. After the divorce, we became a unit. NOw I can't help but feel that that unit is slowing crumbling. I miss how Austin would always make me laugh. He's so goofy. I remember when football was on he would pile up thed cushions from the sofa and dive into them. I feel like a little piece of me has died, even though he's only 2 1/2 hours away. Who is this close to their brother?  But, Mom was never home and for the past 2 years I've kind of raised him. I remember when he and I would commisserate about how much he and I hated Roisin. I feel realy bad for not being able to get ahold of her before I left. I guess I probably could have tried harder. That's my problem. I get so close to being a good person, or being a sociable person as is the case at school, but I never follow through with what I say I will. I wonder if that has anything to do with Dad never doing the same thing?  I am so excited about American Idol coming on tonight. LEss than 2 hours. I really hope that Kelly winds. I miss Kenny and Bevin. I'm not really sure that she wants me as her bridesmaid, or if she's just doing it because Kenny asked Richard to be his groomsman. When I call them she never seems to want to talk to me. Oh well, she asked me and there's nothing that she can do about it now. Well, I guess there is. I want to get married. To Richard. And I want to raise a family. I want a dog. I want to be happy. I want to watch our 4 kids grow up and have kids of their own. I would really love to be in Huntsville with him right now. I wish that I could life the UT campus and set it back down in Huntsville. I mean, I love UT but I hate having to be so far from Richard. It was really fun this weekend staying with him. I do feel really bad about giving that guy my number. he called last night and he talks as if he was really slow. oh well. i know i won't follow up on it. and why would i?  i'm in a very serious, very committed relationship. and i love richard very very much. i really believe that he is my soulmate