Okay, Im not so sure where to begin. only that I feel betrayed. betrayed by a friend that I valued. I don't understand how it happened, but I know that things will never be the same again. I sort of thought that college might bring us closer together, but I have discovered that no matter where we are, he is a million miles away. I used to think I could get through to him, but I guess I was wrong. my friends tell me he is a part of the past, and that I should look to the future, but right now I think he just breaks my heart. perhaps Im thinking a little to much about this. I just need to get over it. until I do, I won't be able to connect with others because Im not reachable right now. my friends all warned me this would happen, but, as usual, I wouldn't listen. I just can't help it, I want to do things my own way. do I understand myself? no. sometimes I think that I am a total psycho and Im surprised I haven't scared people off already. I've met some nice people, but Im just not open for new friends right now, which is such a bad idea at this point in my life. well, it's not that Im not open to making new friends, it's that I have to let go of the past before I can pursue anything else. the trouble is that I know he is not thinking about this as much as I am. perhaps that is what hurts me the most. just knowing that our friendship meant more to me than to him. I talk to his friend, and his friend says to give it time. Im trying to, I swear. Im entirely too emotional about these things, I guess. I miss my best friends. I need someone to talk to. Im not sure about this whole sorority thing, but maybe Ill find my friends there. who knows?  thank God all those girls don't fit the sorority stereotype. that would be hell. but some of them are actually very cool. that makes me feel better because when I first met them all, I was scared shitless. I was so afraid, I almost cried. sometimes I think about what Im getting myself into, and I get scared again, but not like that. Ive never been scared like that. this such a scary place for me right now. maybe if I felt secure with my friends. I just think that this one guy will never really talk to me again, and it bothers me a lot. I just need to find something else to occupy my time. I really think he thinks Im a psycho. Ive got to stop thinking about this. remember what Ashley said: don't try to force things, if it's meant to be, it will happen. Im trying to keep that in mind, Ash. I guess everything is up to God at this point. it's all a matter of trust. At times Im just not willing to let someone else handle it. Ive just got to let go. of everything. this guy is not the only thing Ive been worrying about. I worry about my best friends. all of us at different schools. I think about what they're doing and if they're drunk right now or scared. sometimes I worry about myself. I kind of have a low self esteem. this sounds strange, but I think I like it. not liking myself. I think, in a way, it keeps you from getting arrogant. but on the other hand, maybe that, too, is a different kind of arrogance. thinking about yourself all the time, whether it be good or bad. why can't I reach you?  where are you?  I've got to stop thinking about things. the trouble with me, is that I don't obsess over many things, but the ones I do, it's often and it totally eats away at my life. it can kill me pieces at a time. Ive lost my appetite and sometimes my desire to go out. but when Im sitting there, holed up in my room feeling sorry for myself, I know that the rest of the world is moving on without me. especially here. at college. where no one cares. oh, Matchbox 20 is on the radio. that song really "Push" really hits me. some songs make me cry if they fit a particularly depressing aspect of my life well enough. I want to connect with other people the way that song connects with me. I just need to keep an open mind and get out there and do it. Carey told me once that I need to get off my butt and do things because Im not always going to get an invitation. this reminds me of Tim off in Colorado. I'm so glad Patch called to see if I could come home for Tim's birthday. I guess the relief lies in the security that comes from anything associated with Pre-college. but I wouldn't go back if I could. I was the one of my friends saying how excited I was to leave. and I was. Im glad Im here, but now that Im here, I don't know what to do. I really like this stream of consciousness stuff, and this is not because Im trying to kiss butt or anything, it's just that I write a lot of stuff like this to let off steam. it's my own form of closure for the problems in my life. Im thinking about going into journalism, but who knows?  it was the FBI last week. I think that if you don't have anyone to talk to, you have to at least write things down. Im starting to be friends with Brian. I hope we get to be good friends. the trouble with college is that people all know that everyone needs friends, but you can't be best friends with everyone. the friend that you find that you really relate to is rare. Im still searching. I feel like Im Holden Caulfield in Catcher. this kills me.