I have done this twice now and erased it both times. I wish I could do it on a different program but my computer is broken and I don't exactly know how to use my neighbors that is letting me borrow hers. I've been thinking a lot about my family lately. I guess I'm finally realizing that I'm here for good. I'm used to going on long trips in the summer so I know what it's like to be away from home and my mom and dad but this is so different. It feels like it's a point with no return. Even if I live with them during the summer which is a possibility it won't ever be the same. The days of grade school at home are over. I really miss my mom. She is my best friend. Really though so is my dad and my brother Seth. It is amazing how close we are. I feel so fortunate. In my marriage and family class we talked about a healthy and strong family and I feel like my family met most all of the items on the list. We have so many memories together. I'm so lucky to have my brother. My brother's good friend died when they were in 10th grade. It was the hardest thing ever for our youth group at church. I miss my church so much. It is such a home to me. My best friends are from my church. It is so sad that I will never be in a youth group again as a youth. I ay end up going on trips as a sponsor or something but it will never be the same. I'm at somewhat of peace with the change but it still makes me sad when I realize the little things like not having to rush around on Sundays in order to be back for choir, supper, and bible study. The things that can drive you crazy are the things you miss. I miss my cat. He is so old. I remember when he was a tiny baby in 1988. He find us and adopted us. We named him Kitty Duke after Michael Dukakis' wife who we were voting for that year (it was Election time) but soon found that he was a he so we changed it to Duke. Everyone says that it sounds like a big dog's name but oh well. He is an orange tabby cat. It seems like he used to be fatter but maybe I've just gotten bigger. We've been through a lot. W e used to play together all the time. I'd sing to him when he was a baby. Without my brother I would be such a different person. He has helped form me in so many ways. He is my hero. I think the world of him. I didn't always though, like when he would hit me on the head or do "gross" things in my face as a normal big brother should do. But I'm very lucky to be so close to him. I try not to talk about him around Caitlyn, Jake's little sister. When he died she was in 4th grade. They were so close. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Getting the call at 6 the next morning. I had seen hi that Sunday night that he died at church and I remember him giving me that half smile that he did and me melting along with the rest of the girls in youth group. I talked to Catilyn about it for the first time this summer since it happened when she was in fourth grade. She broke down one night in Montana when we were on mission tour. We were all sharing what something meant to us and several people ended up relating it to their siblings. She just broke down which was a first. I talked to her and told her that I hated talking about Seth around her because Jake and him were the same age. She said that she loved hearing about Seth but she just wished that she had an older brother so badly. She said it like any other person who had never had a brother would say it. My brother is getting married this summer. It is so strange. I love Lauren. She is already just like my sister. They have been together for four years now. At first I was so jealous because I felt like she was taking my place as my brother's best friend. I soon realized that we had very different places in Seth's life and that there is room for both of us. I have Seth' past and we both have his future. My Family and I used to drive to our cabin in east Texas and have the best time. Seth and I would play so hard. On the way down we would always eat at the same fast food place and get burgers and icecream. Seth would always comment on the fresh air as soon as we got out of the car in the woods. It's funny what a family thinks is so humorous that would mean nothing to others. On the way down he would always try to explain the wonders of the earth to my mom and me like the stars and solar system and physics and things that Ginny and Anne Claire Hickman would probably never grasp. That's one thing I adore about my family. We all contribute different things. We are so different but so alike. I miss days of being with just us. We always traveled a lot. I think I'm just trying to let go of that time in my life right now. With me leaving for college and Seth getting married, it's a whole new chapter. We have the best traditions. Even food traditions like Chicken and Cheese soup on Christmas Eve and Asparagus on Easter. I hope to start traditions with my own family. I miss my room, my bed, my church, the familiarity of Ft. Worth roads, my boyfriend Blake and his house and my best friends from church. Blake would be a fantastic husband and father. I always say that if I don't marry him than I'll marry someone just like him. I wonder how my parents came up with our traditions. Like every Christmas Eve, Seth and I open one present, an ornament. Mine are always angels and his are always bears. Eventually we added my mom and dad with cats and Santa's. My mom doesn't even like cats. When she was little her dad expected her to like the animals and be near them so I think that's why she doesn't like them. They had a farm. She hated her dad. I can't imagine. When we drive to Oklahoma to see my grandmother, we always have very soul bearing conversations, some of our best in fact. She would always tell me about her childhood because I was so interested. Her dad was so difficult. In two weekends we're all going to Duncan, Ok. My uncle is coming in from Florida so we all are driving in. It will be great. I'm very close to my cousins and I really don't see them that often at all. At Thanksgiving when we were little we used to all cram into my Grandmother's house and each get one kernel of corn at our place which represented one thing we were thankful for. We each said it aloud before we ate. Another great tradition.