I just started playing the Smiths. I kind of consciously did that because I wanted to see how that would make me feel while doing this assignment. I think it would be pretty funny if I had put whilst on that last sentence instead of while. Anyways, I had to put it down now because I'm now conscious of the fact that I started listening to the Smiths so I could say I was listening to them whilst typing this. There I did it, I put whilst. I also kinda put the Smiths on here probably so that if someone reads this then they'll know     I listen to the Smiths. I do that a lot. I specific music whenever people around, I don't know, I guess so they'll think it's cool or something. I've been feeling really lonely recently. I was thinking about that because I wonder if anyone is going to read this, and if they do, if all this stuff being collected is going to be used so we can learn something about ourselves. I don't really want to hide anything, because I'd rather someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me, than type jive like, oh I don't know what to write, blah blah, school was fun today, because I feel really fucked up recently. I don't want things to change, this shit is so gay. Sorry, I know we're supposed to type thoughts but that's still pretty bad. I was happy this summer with a girlfriend and my friends around, but then we had to break up because she went away for college, and I freaked out on her which wasn't cool, but I was just really scared. Yes, this song is awesome. I should probably go to the mental health center, but I'm scared of the process of signing up for an appointment, probably more than actually telling someone something, because then I have to talk to real people and I'm not so good at that. That's why I'm really lonely lately, I don't know how to talk to people, and I'm meeting all these new people, and I have no idea what to say, so I just don't say anything. I'd kind of really like to meet some new people, because I hate sitting around my room all the time, even though that's all I do. I'm scared to like walk up and talk to someone though. It's quite a frightening experience, and I get all nervous when I'm around people. This typing is really hurting my shoulder because I'm on my laptop. Shit, I just hit the back button. Alright, I'm going to keep typing, but this is really gay, now I got to tack on another 10 minutes. Whoever reads this is probably going to be pissed that they have to read a 1/3 more than everyone else. Well, I better not get in trouble for it is all I can say. Speaking of gay, I called my girlfriend, I guess ex-girlfriend, because I want to keep in touch with her, and she told me about how she saw this guy with a Dashboard Confessional sticker and a Smiths sticker on his backpack, and she told me about how she and her new friend went up to him and asked him if he actually listened to good music or not, it being assumed that Dashboard Confession is pretty crappy, (and who's to blame that assumption, with lyrics like, Far away from all the stupid questions / 'Hey, did you get some' / Man that is so dumb") nonetheless, what the hell is she talking about, she didn't even know who the Smiths were until like a month ago when I told her about them, and I mean, I still think it's funny, but a lot of the music she is into now is from me. I don't know, I think I am just pissed off because she wanted to break up. But, it's perfectly reasonable, we're completely across the country,  I'm being ridiculous I know, it just ended so fast, and I'm still upset. Ahh, this isn't fair, I still have 13 minutes left because I hit back somehow, this is going to take forever. My shoulder is kind of starting to hurt, I think this is a really cool assignment, because it's just stream of consciousness, but it's taking forever, Agamemnon. That's what I say when I'm saying Aggh, or something, because it sounds cooler. I can't stop thinking about my girlfriend. I really think I have some sort of problem with dependence, I feel like I HAVE to be around people most of the time or I start to feel sort of depressed, like no one cares about me. This being away from some of my friends and alone in this new environment, is making things worse. My History of the Banjo teacher, that's a freshman seminar, told us we had to grow our nails out longer to play the banjo, and it's driving me crazy, because     I hate semi-long nails, they always feel dirty, and I can feel them now whilst I type, clacking against the keys, it's irritating. I think there's something wrong with my smell, I don't think I can smell anything. That wouldn't be surprising anyways, I think there's something wrong with everything about me and everything I do. I always seem to fail at anything I try, I can get good grades, but I've been missing assignments in college already, which is just compounding things and making things worse. aggh, or I mean agamemnon. I keep looking at this scratch on my arm, where I cut myself with a razor. I don't think I'll do that again, I was feeling really depressed on Saturday, I didn't eat anything all weekend, and I normally regimen my meals very carefully, but I didn't eat anything, and feeling depressed and having read about self-injury, I wanted to try it, but cutting myself with a razor didn't feel particularly painful or punishing, and hardly seemed worth the effort involved, considering you have to clean up the blood, so I don't think I'll bother with that again. I can't even do that right. I've actually been feeling better the rest of this week, but I kinda want to talk to someone, just because I don't think there's any guarantee I won't feel like I did on Saturday again, and I felt terrible Saturday morning. That was until I did DXM, which of course made me realize that things will eventually work themselves out. I just wish I could manage to carry that feeling over into the real world, because not worrying about things is such a beautiful feeling. I think I worry too much, but I'm always sure that as soon as I get by myself no one's going to ever want to see me again and I'll be stuck like that. I wish I could meet some people here, but I don't know what to say. It's hard to just talk to someone, it's always boring conversation, and at the end, they always go their own way, and never want to do something with you again. No matter how good you try to make the conversation, they never seem to want to continue after that, despite reading constantly that the way to make friends is to simply talk to someone. Bullshit.