Hello. I'm not quite sure what to think about this. I love to write, but I write in such a way that I can always go back and correct it. it's almost like I find myself having to check everything I do a million times because I never like it the first time. So to sit here and write for 20 minutes, knowing that it has to be continuously. . that's almost too much. And another thing. I don't really like not having a topic. I find it's not kind organized, and I'm not sure where to take the topic. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll say the first time around, which could be interpretted to me that I'm afraid of my true feelings, but I think when I type that, everyone will think I'm only saying that because this is psychology. That's not true. I supress everything. Everything. I don't think anyone knows the real me, because I've never really let anyone in. I would love to, however. if I ever felt like they truly wanted to be let in, but as it stands, none of it matters. Man, I am sounding like a real nut. This is not cool. I am crazy, I think. And now, my mind is thinking about the cowboys game I was watching before this. It was in the 4th and it was going nothing but downhill for 'em. I like the Cowboys a lot, and I hope they win, but school is important, and besides, I couldn't watch them lose like that anymore. Boo to football. Boo to losing. It all sucks. And now, with that wonderful segway, I guess I could talk about other things. things not so trivial. Man, 20 minutes is a long time. I wonder if any of this will make sense, if it can even be read on a scale or whatever it will do when I click finish. Man, I wish I could click finish right now. No such luck. No such luck. No such thing. Isn't that the name of the song that John Mayer sings?  He sucks because he's going out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I like Jennifer Love Hewitt a lot and I like typing her name because it's so long that it passes the time. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jennifer Love Hewitt. . and that makes me out to be a freak too. . how many times can I type her name. isn't that a waste of time. isn't cheating?  Why am I talking this way?  You know, I want to get a poster of Jennifer Love Hewitt for my bathroom. I've never really put up posters. But now that I have my own apartment bedroom, I think I should. It's a good expression of me, but I wonder what everyone who enters my bathroom will think. Will they think I'm this big horny toad who likes having her in my bathroom? Well, not having her, but you know. Speaking of which, I need a girlfriend!  My shower curtain is so clear, and the mirror is right across the bathroom. It's kind of weird washing my hair to look over and see myself. washing my hair. Imagine the possibilities. Now, if I had that poster of Jennifer Love Hewitt, I could look out and stare at her. Only, it wouldn't really be her. I don't know what I'm talking about. I bet if I start talking about girls I actually know, when I click finish, I'll find out a lot of stuff. Which brings me to this girl I like. I don't understand how I can have so much with her. No, wait. I take that back. What I really don't understand is how a girl can have so much fun with me, and be so comfortable around me, and still not want to go out. I feel like the girl of the friendship. I want the serious relationship, and she doesn't want to be tied down. What is tied down?  Why look at something so negatively. I mean, if you're happy with someone, why should you obsess over what might tempt you in the future. Planning out your future is one thing, but planning to stray or be attracted to someone else is quite another. I've been told I'm too young to love right now anyway, and I should wait, but I don't think anything changes. I mean, I know myself too well. and I know that I would be so happy to be in a relationship that everything else would subside; it wouldn't matter. Happiness isn't easy to come by, and I would hold on to it like nothing I've ever held on to before. So, yeah, I just. I'm just so confused about everything. I've never been in a serious relationship, and I've been told that's why I want one so much. I don't know. It's kind of like. of course it's what I want. We want what we can't have. That makes me feel even worse, but old sayings like that are around for a reason. I just. wish I had something to offer that could win her over. Something, besides everything else I offer to her, to make her see that it's all worth it. That she shouldn't worry about the future, because I will take care of everything. Of course, thinking about it like that, I have to totally become unbiased: if she is not wanting to go out with me, because she doesn't want to be tied down, then she is planning on going out with several guys in the meantime. I guess you could say that means I'm saving myself a lot of heartache, but it also means that even though she's planning this multitude of guys over the next few years, she still won't choose me. I'm still just a friend. I know guys hate that. I used to tell my friends that were in the same situation that   being friends was great. You still have the girl as a friend. So what if you can't go out?  You can still hang out, and you can still talk.   Well, then I actually found myself in their shoes, and I understand. It's so much clearer. From the outside, it looks good. When you get there, not only does it feel gut-wrenching, it also feels like everyone on the outside is laughing at you, like they can't understand any of it. And I don't understand that, but it's like, you're screwed even though you know better. I knew better. I know I lose a friendship that is extremely important. and maybe it's a risk that I shouldn't take. I say that because I can't take it; otherwise, I would have already, and I would probably be somewhere crying right now. Not that I cry. Not that that's bad. I just. always find a way to hide my emotion, which may be part of my problem. I'm not crazy. I just. I'm a big fan of fate. I think what's meant to be is exactly that, so if this girl and I are meant to be then we will be. And if not, I'll just sit around and wonder why. 5 seconds. By the way, John Mayer is a cool singer. Just sucks he's going out with Jennifer Love Hewitt!  The End. I went over. Wow that was fast. Bye.