I'm sitting in the library at 4:45am once again. Now I'm wondering why it is that I insist on pulling these all nighters constantly, and doing it without proper sleep or rest. Oh well. It's really cold in here, but it always is. I really shouldn't be getting distracted by the temperature in here. I should be more worried about the EE test that I have to take this semester or the CS class that I have to pass, although neither of them are weighing on my mind with the magnitude that they should. I'm begging to miss surfing again. I thought that the three weeks home this summer would help cure me of my love of the ocean, but it didn't. It never does. I need to be playing guitar more also. I've let it slip quite a bit here lately. I know the reason for that, I've let myself get too distracted with the girls around me. I allow them too much power over my life, and my actions. But that's ok because I'm done with all of that. I'm really going to try to cut my ties to all of what is negative in my life. Well at least as far as my friends go. I've begun to realize more and more how much people use me. The funny part of it is they all think that they're getting away with something, when in fact I'm quite aware of what is going on around me and what is happening to me. I guess I just give people to much damn credit. That's another thing I'm over. Despite how much I say I don't want those people in my life I know that I crave them being there due to my own insecurities and my need to have other gay people around me. But why the hell to I feel the need to have those gay people around me? They end up making me feel more ostracized than accepted. I'll never become what they see as normal. For that matter, I don't want to become that. I don't want to go out and sleep around, and do the drugs and all that other crap. It just occurred to me that who ever reads this will think that I'm writing this solely to seem like some good kid, yeah right. I'm not, but then again, they'll never know that. I find this assignment odd. I'd love to read what other students write, and more importantly I'd love to know how much of it is truly stream of conscious writing and how much of it is just premeditated butt kissing. Once again something I'm sure I'll never know. But sure enough something I'll ponder for at least a little while. I'm sure I'll be able to use that as an intricate procrastination method when I should be studying for one of the many classes that I'm taking this semester which are surely going to kill me. Man, I meant to pay my phone bill today. I've got to do that tomorrow. My credit is going to be so screwed. I've screwed up so bad as far as money goes this past few years, well actually it's been this past year. I just don't even like to think about money. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. If I were the least bit intelligent I would learn to budget or even better yet keep a check book like a normal person but oh no. God, there's that damn word again, "normal". I've come to despise that word. It seems like everywhere I turn I'm being bombarded with it, and what's worse is the fact that no matter who's throwing it at me I'm not fitting it. I just hate that word. Who's right is it to decided weather or not I'm normal. Who gets to decide what is normal. I think that's what I want to be when I grow up. the one who decides what's normal. No I don't want to do that, changed my mind. I don't want to put any more labels into this world than already exists. Speaking of things I've got to do soon, I need to change my oil. Since Chris and I drove to Dallas yesterday that put me nearly 200 miles where I was supposed to change it. I used to never let it get that far over. School has become such a distraction to my life. I know it's bad when my parents keep telling me that I'm working too hard and taking school too serious. I guess it all goes back to working hard at school as being a way of running away from everything else. It's just so much easier to come up to the library and work, and at least do something productive, rather than sitting around and dwelling over the drama and crap that exits in my life. Most of which I can't do a damn thing about. That's another thing I need to work on accepting what I can change and what I can't. I seem to get it in my mind that I solve the problems of the world. Before I do that I need to get my own life straightened out. I can't even get a date, and I think I can give the world leaders advice as to how to prevent war. Ok, sure Heidi, you can't even have a relationship with someone your own age who speaks you're language and you think you're going to go and create world peace with people who don't even speak English, sure. Talking about impossible problems I wonder when my new computer will get here. I really need to start on my program for my CS class. There's another thing that just makes me sick every time I think about. To think that I've got to get an A in that class to go to Germany next year just scares the crap out of me. Not much scares me. A lot of things will worry me. I worry too much. I try to deny it when other people tell me that, because common what the hell do they know about me? Well, Kid, a lot. I swear I get worried about the kid who's lonely their first year at college on the AT&T commercials. Alright that's a little overboard again, but oh well. I need to go buy some new study CD's this week. NO, NO. No more spending money. Where do I think I'm going to get this money from? DO I think it's just going to come to me when I'm not working or anything? And I know damn well that as soon as I get that new computer all I'm going to want to do is buy DVDs and programs for that crap. That's the last thing I needed to get on my laptop was a DVD player. That's just great. Now I can come to the Library to study and sit and watch a movie. And knowing me, that's something I would do just to show off my new toy. And I know that's part of the reason that I spent the extra money what to say that I've got a laptop with a DVD player on it. I say I'm not worried by what other people think, and I really don't think I am, but I sure as hell love it when they think I'm cool. Or even better yet, when they envy me. I think I get off on the whole envy thing because it makes me feel as though if there is a reason for people to envy me then my life isn't as messed up and pathetic as it seems most of the time. It's really not that bad, I just think I need to be on antidepressants. That's really common with the whole ADHD thing, but then again the whole ADHD thing brings in a whole new question of who has it, how to diagnose etc. It's really scary to see that these are the things that I think about when I've got free time to think. I really need to find a hobby of some sort. I mean I have one, I have several actually, but it's not really things I just sit and think about. Well music is, but I'm not going to sit here and write songs. I'm not in the songwriting mood. Although, if I didn't have so much work to do I wouldn't mind working on my comic book. I'm getting started on another character. I've got enough male characters the next one will be a female. Not quite sure any of the particulars yet. I'm sure it will be something along the line of goodlooking, selfsufficient, muscular, you know all of those things that most people don't relate to being in package deal with women. Ah, I like this song. It always reminds me of home. I miss my parents right now. I don't get home sick often but when I do it really hits me hard. It's hard to believe that I've been gone from home for two years now. It just doesn't seem real. So much has happened. This past year has changed my life without a doubt. I mean I never thought I would get the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay, or for that matter I never thought that I would get the courage to tell my sisters. What blows my mind is the fact that now I can sit and talk about it to my mom and dad more openly than I ever saw my sisters do with their straight relationships. Family, man. Another think that hurts to think about. I wish we could do with all the crap. I wish there wasn't the stupid petty shit that there is. I'd really love to know who is Waxahachie told my sisters that I'm gay. I mean someone else has to know from the way the whole town knows. I wish I knew that Sonja, my own flesh and blood would stand up for me, but then again I know that's never going to happen. I've sat though too many gaybashing sessions with her. That's another thing that just amazes me, how the same people can raise three kids, it what seems to be the exact same way, and they can turn out so different. Speaking of raising kids, I need to decide about grandpa's funeral. I really really don't want to give the eulogy. I had so much contempt for this man not 6 months ago, but then again I know that I should because it's one of his last wishes. Why should I honor his last wishes though? What has he done for me? That's wrong of me to say. I know that, and I know that in the end no matter how much I don't want to do it, I'll end up speaking at his funeral. That's right I need to call them tomorrow and see what the Dr. said, then I need to call the Dr. and see what they have to say. Never can get the same story from both.