this is really boring, I'm so tired, I think I might take a nap after this but I have to write my social work notes. I wonder what will is doing in his class right now, I think this exercise will show that I think about him too much. I wonder if stacey is in class. did angel get the message I sent to her cell phone? should I go home this weekend? if I go home, I think I'll want to stay there, but if I don't go home I'll miss seeing my lil brother and I know he really wants to see me, its a good thing I haven't told him I'm thinking about it yet. I really want to get me and will tickets to the football game and to the austin city limits music fest. I wonder if by getting him tickets I'm encouraging him to ditch class. I don't want to encourage him to do that, I want him to do well more than anything because I know that he wants out of UTSA so bad. I hope that he stops hanging out with that arthur kid so much, that kid is trouble. he isn't going anywhere. will has so much potential to go so many places, and arthur is just going to drag him down. omg its only been three minutes. this is crazy, I type fast and there is going to be so much stuff here. I wonder if my hands will hurt at the end of this. I guess it is keeping me awake. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep once in awhile. I actually did sleep last night, I only woke up once I think. its so hard to sleep, I don't know why. its probably because of this horrible dorm, with its horrible smells, horrible neighbors, and the massive amounts of noise associated with traffic outside. I was so tired that I took a freakin nap at russ and will's apt. awwww. russ is so awesome, I think he might be one of the best people I know. I wish more guys were like russ. I wish will would start being more like russ and a lot less like arthur. arthur is so dull. who in their right mind only thinks about parties, drinking, and easy girls? he is so one dimensional, and will is so much more than that. I wish he could make more friends that actually have substance. I wish I could make more friends too. oh, I made a friend today in sociology. I let her borrow my notes since she said she wasn't in class. slept through or something. that sucks. I hope I don't do that, but since I have no friends here, its not really a possibility right now. man, I feel like such a pathetic loser here. I have friends, I really do, I keep telling myself this. but I don't think anyone here believes me. I walk around all alone all day, and only talk to people when I have to. its such a pathetic existence. then I come back, study, run errands or work out, eat, and sleep. I talk to my friends online a lot, and on the phone a lot. I wish they were here. I hope that russ and will are here next year, and that nicki, stacey, maris, kayla, tracy, and everyone ends up here. maybe plunkett will too, that would be fun. I wonder how he is. I hope he is ok. he doesn't talk to me too much. I think he probably does miss having everyone around. I wonder if marc is ok. I think underneath his happy front he is the saddest person I know. weird. he is a great person though, good heart, good intentions, doesn't always follow through though. man, I wish I was back in january. january was the start of an awesome semester of high school. I think I was actually popular in high school, which is weird to think about. I was never like the prom queen or anything, but I had about a ton of friends, and I knew they were all loyal. they were so great, they still are great. I miss hanging out with my guys. they were so much fun this summer. craziness. and my girls, I want to go dancing with them. there are so many clubs here, and it would be so much fun if we all went. but for some reason, its not as much fun going with ppl I don't really know that well, and don't care to hang out with. like christyn soland. ha, I was actually glad that she went to san antonio with me this weekend. I felt kinda bad for ditching the YL ppl, but I think it would have been awkward for them with me around, esp since they think so horribly of me. I don't want to be around ppl that hate me anyways, or are fake friends to my face. I don't know, I tend to bash her a lot, and esp will does too. we hate her mutually, ha. damn, we should just go out or something. I can't believe his mom thought we were. I can't believe everyone thought we were. that is so strange, I wonder what he thought about it, but he didn't seem to care at all when stacey told him. he kinda just stared at us with an apathetic look on his face. I wonder where that frame I made him went. he seemed to really think it was cool. I'm so glad we got to go to lunch and hang out. I really want him to be here with me next year, but more than that I want him to get out of UTSA and be somewhere he really wants to be, whether that be here or not. I wonder if he wore that burnt orange polo to the game last week. I hope we get to go to a game together, that would be so much fun. we have fun together I think. I can't believe that I miss everyone so much, and I can't believe that I care about him so much, as a person, as a friend. its scary. its like the whole robby thing. robby. I wonder how he is. I can't believe he had a girlfriend. I wonder if he still does. he was such a great guy, he still is I'm sure. he thinks he has to define himself now by drugs or smoking or horrible music. I'm not understanding that. I wonder if wonkie is doing the same thing? I can't believe she would smoke. I bet she couldn't believe I would drink. why does armando think I would give it up to will. I may like the guy, but that doesn't mean I want to jump in a bed with him. I hope he was just kidding. I wonder why robby went off the deep end and pushed everyone away. I hope that doesn't happen to will, I hope he doesn't push me away. if he pushes me away, he has arthur left, and russ, but he will push russ too I'm sure if he pushes me. I hope that arthur falls off a cliff and breaks both his legs and arms, and has to leave UTSA so that he doesn't ruin will. I hope that he doesn't kill him. it made me almost cry when russ was kidding about that. it makes me so worried when he says he doesn't mind getting into a car with drunk arthur. I know he knows its wrong. does he think trying to validate it to me will make it ok? what would I do if he died and I was the last one to talk to him, and I knew he got in a car with a drunk arthur? I would feel guilty. but there's nothing I could do about it. I couldn't stop him. there's no way. he is making decisions on his own now. well I don't think he is doing a very good job of it. why does he tell ppl that he got high or drunk and decided to go to utsa? I know he remembers that it was me saying he should go for it. I convinced him to go there, like he convinced me to go here, and now we're both not happy. I think I handle it better. I don't know that running away to san antonio to see him/everyone is better, but at least I'm not screwing things up by being drunk all the time and fo