I wonder why I am so depressed. I don't know if   depressed   is the word I should be using, but I am down on myself because I am a freshman in college and I feel like everyone is way better than me. I didn't do well on the Math portion of the SAT test, so I needed a waiver to get into a UT Math class. I wanted to take pre-calculus, but the Math advisor didn't think I could handle it. So now I'm wondering if I really can or can't. I mean I thought I could because I took pre-cal in high school and did exceptionally well, but now I'm all confused. Am I really smart like I thought I was? Or did my brain turn to mush over the summer and I can't even hold a decent conversation now?  I don't even think I belong here at UT. I think I only got accepted because I was in the top 10% of my high school class. I hope I do well. I feel like I'm going to fail and drop out. I really want to hang in there, but it's hard with 50,000 people, plus other colleges throughout the world. I know that's life, but i can't help feeling this way about myself. I feel like no one cares, and the only person I can really trust and depend on is my boyfriend of 4 yrs. I love Hector!  He's always been there for me and continues to be. I'm lucky to have him. College is confusing. I can't believe I dropped out of their business school. But I figured if I wanted to pursue a career in the health field, I made the right decision. I just don't know what I want to do though. Everyone keeps saying that the first 2 yrs of college don't matter because you're just taking your basic courses, but I think it does matter because certain field have prerequisites and you don't want to waste your electives on things that won't apply to what you want to become. But what do I want to become??  I really hope I go the right direction because I do not want to waste thousands of dollars on a major I won't even pursue or enjoy. I either want to become an occupational therapist, dental hygienist, or physical therapist. I think physical therapy is too hard though. Right now I'm leaning more towards occupational therapy, so I hope I actually go through with everything. I keep hearing statistics of how a lot of freshman drop out, and I hope I am not so completely lazy to the point where I'm one of those freshman. I know my boyfriend Hector will make it because he's in the TIP program and has a lot of encouragement. But I am going to have to provide myself my own encouragement because I know nobody else cares about my standings. I need to start getting involved in community services and activities like everyone recommends. I don't understand how some people have time to be into everything, hold a job, and handle school at the same time. That is almost impossible for me. They are truly talanted. I think the homework itself is too much work. I hope I don't get fat. Ever since I graduated and stopped being in drill team, I feel way more lazy and I gained 6 lbs. I exercised a whole lot this summer and have not lost an ounce. I feel like everything I worked for in the summer meant nothing because I have nothing to show for it. I hope my boyfriend still loves me in return because I see so many pretty girls in college hoping Hector will not fall for them. He says he loves only me, but I am hesitant to believe him. I would be very sad if he left me because we have so much together. But then again he's always been such a wonderful boyfriend and i should have no reason to doubt him. I know I should be less insecure about myself but it's hard. I tell myself to do one thing and it's like I don't even follow my own orders. Hey, my cell phone is ringing. I wonder who it is. Probably Angela. I miss her. Ever since she moved to Arizona I don't have anyone to hang around with. come to think of it I haven't had a true friend since my sophomore year in high school. It's always been just me and Hector with no one else to call my best friend. Angela was my best friend until she found a boyfriend. But she's still my best friend and I love her to death. I came into college with intentions of meeting new people and finding new friends, but I haven't had any luck so far. The only thing close to a friendship was on Friday at the union when some guy who recognized me from his sociology class invited me to bowl with him. I would have but I didn't have any socks, so I watched instead. He was cute, but I feel guilty for thinking he's cute and having a boyfriend at the same time. I also feel guilty because sometimes I find myself attracted to the same sex. I don't know if I'm attracted to them or if I just want to be like them. I'm confused. But I try not to let it get to me. I'm curious about a lot of things, but it's hard to try any of them because my parents are WAY overprotective!  Other adults say my parents are always right and that I'll understand them one day. I am very grateful that I have such caring parents, but sometimes I wish they would ease up on me. I hate when they try to pick my friends for me and forbid me to hang out with certain people because of their sexuality or the way they choose to live their life. I think I should pick my own friends. The people I used to hang around with were just fine. They didn't engage in drugs or anything. I liked them for them and my parents could not see what I saw. It's like they expect my friends to be perfect for them and do not consider the way I feel at all. It's frustrating!! Even though I'm 18 I don't feel like it all. My parents still treat me like I'm 14 and cannot think for myself. I just wish there was some way to get them to see things my way. I've already tried talking to them one on one, but they do not listen to me what-so-ever. They have a one track mind and feel that everything they say is right. I keep telling myself that one day it'll all change, but I'm scared that it may never change. I used to argue with my parents all the time because we shared a difference in opinion, but after a while I realized there is just no winning with them. I don't really tell them how I feel anymore because it's not like they're going to listen to me anyway. It's like they have to hear it from an adult rather than myself. Even then, they'd probably go with their own judgement anyway.