ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
College. . humm. Its strange that I'v made it this far. I always viewed college as a date in a book that i would eventually reach, but not now. There is absolutely nothing familiar anymore. My days are completely different. I guess change is good though, I mean there is no place I would rather be in life than right here. So why am I so worried all the time?  Constantly tierd. My eye has developed a slow twitch, very strange. I miss my cat. I wish I had the ability to purr. If only I were a cat. The weirdest thing about college is waking up. Every day of my life until now I have woken up in my bed or some state of comfort. Now when I wake up there is that small period of time when I think I am still there, safe, but then reality smacks me in the face. My roomate is really good at that in the morning, helping me realize that im not at home. Very annoying! I wish i enjoyed my roomates companey, but I don't not at all. She smacks while eatting, very inconsiderate, keeps the room at 34545 million degrees. Ah What am I going to do, not a whole lot, I guess its a good learning expeirence. I must say I have met some cool people though, which make the ride all worth while. Counting Crows,, ahh, for some reason they know exactly what I am feeling. They   hit the nail on the head  . I wish I could talk to Adam Durtz, and spell correctly. The thing that I have noticed about college is there are more headachs and less sleep. more headachs, less sleep. I really should deal with this problem. It seems impossible with all the things I have to get done but eventually I have found that everything works it self out. Time, time , time. I do not believe in time. There really is no point to time. Well at least keeping track of. I mean time is good for healing and new stages in life. But why do  we put it on such a small scale. I mean it should just be a concept, like infinity. I mean I wish I could not say at this exact moment it is . . 12. 01. 01. There should only be moments and nothing more. We all live in one big moment. Another thing thats been on my mind is something A friend and I were talking about. He said why does society make squares out of everything. I mean think about it the majority of buildings in this world are in the square shape, rooms are square, tiles are square, I think I might go out in the square hallway and take a drink from the square water fountian. It is exausting. Why would someone go to such detail to make a square out everything. The name square even sugessets boring. Why not an oval, or better yet an amiba. No one can box me in. I also am frustrated with the fact that everyone wants to have a career,Example,   Yeah I'm pre-med, ohh yeah well I'm going to be an engineer    I really have to desier to   make something of myself  . What my career will be is sitting in Italy,no preference really any where in Italy will do, with a big family,lots of animals, and friends walking around soaking upp all the history, looking at the arcitecture, and most importaltly just being happy. I could just learn the rest of my life. with no money , which is a square by the way. .
I am in this big state of confusion. Everything toward school work right now is going easy but all my feelings for my friends and my boyfriend are burning inside of me. I feel as if my classes are going to turn right around on me and kick me  in the butt. I don't know if I should stress out about them or later. Carlos is  starting to act like a jerk. I hope he hasn't found someone else. I broke up  with him last night because of the way he has been treating me. I regret it but  I feel as if I did the right thing. I am so confused! Eventually I will get back with him. Boy do I miss him. My legs are very sore from lifting weights yesterday I hope that my legs get in shape. I really want to lose weight. I feel very fat sometimes. Well my cousin Danny is coming down from the Army this weekend. Should I go home to see him or stay here?  I know if I go home I will probably call Carlos  and we will probably call Carlos and we will get back. I guess my cousin going  home can be an excuse for me to go down and talk to Carlos. Another reason to go down home is for Melanie's license plates. Again that is another excuse. Lately Melanie has been on the phone all the time making me mad because I want to use the phone also. G-whiz my legs are hurting. I really need to find a job here around campus. I want to work in the library but hopefully there won't be any hassles. Jason my neighbor is crazy. Him and his  girlfriend are really cute together. Why can't Carlos and I be like them. Both Jason and Irene love to work out. Whenever I go I go with them. Well actually I have been  going everyday with them. I need money!! This show that is on is weird. I have listening  to it while I am writing. It is making me sad. Well I better go my time is up.
This past weekend I took a short journey back to my home city of San Antonio, Texas. I went there to get some more items from my house, and as you can tell I'm still in the process of moving in all of my belongings into my dorm. The dorm itself I like very much because it is a good enough distance from the university itself so that I can feel as though I am actually going home each day after classes; plus the food here is excellent. This semester so far has been going by a little slow just as the first few weeks of every school year do. However, last week was very satisfying due to the fact that I got much accomplished. I got much of my studying done and I finally got my book situation in order. At first when I went to the Co-op I bought all these different books for each of the classes I am taking and then I came to discover that I didn't need about three of them. So then I had to make time to go back and return the books that I no longer needed, and I had the pleasure of standing in the horrendous line it seemed they formed just for me. This weekend I also went to the football game to see my favorite team in the land play a not-so-good team, but I still managed to have a great time. I bought two tickets for my brother and my best friend who came in to visit me. The day after the game when I went back to San Antonio I got to visit with my baby brother who is now about seven months old. He is beginning to talk and make little noises that babies make. I was a little sad to leave him so soon after his birth, but I will see him every now and then when I get a chance to journey back home. I also got to spend time with my girlfriend of about two years. We went out to eat and to see a movie. We weren't sure what movie to see so I thought I would let her pick because of the nice that I am, and she - being the girl that she is - picked wicker park which is a story about this guy who falls in love with a girl two years ago and he sees her walking down the street. He immediately bolts out the door of the shoe store he is standing in and tries to catch her, but his friend stops him to talk and he loses her, but to make a long story short he gets sidetracked bye this psycho girl who falls in love with him and is trying to keep him away from the girl who he originally wanted. In the end he finally gets to talk to the first girl and they are happy as can be. I can't wait for winter time. It is definitely one of my favorite times of the year because each year my family and I go skiing in Colorado - occasionally some place different - and go to most of the resorts there. One of the worst times I've ever had there is when I wrecked one of the rental cars we brought with us, and also this past year we went and I jumped a big snow jump, landed wrong, and I smashed my head into some ice leaving myself with a nice concussion. All together I would have to say that I'm very excited about this year, and I can't wait to meet more people and have some of the most memorable times of my life.
Today has been an absolutely great day, except for the weather. Austin has extremely crazy weather. One minute, it was bright and sunny outside, and the next it was raining cats and dogs!  Of coarse, it continued to do this for the rest of the day. Now that I am in my dorm room, I am beginning to think about what my mom and other friends are doing. It makes me a little sad to think that I am here and cannot be with them. Normally, I do not get homesick, but for the last couple of days I have been missing everyone extremely. I am sure that they are all having fun where they are, but I feel sure that they must miss me too. I just got done talking to my mom, and she said that it is very sunny down in Corpus Christi right now. I miss the excruciating sun that comes along with the cool breeze there. Now, my roommate just walked in, and I really want to go outside because she let some hot air in. It is so cold in this room. Our thermos stat is in the room across the hall from ours, and the girls in that room will not change it. They keep telling us that it is so hot in there room, but I cannot stand it. It is so cold in our room; I always walk around with a blanket. In Corpus, it is never cold, not even in the winter time. It truthfully only get down to about sixty degrees in the winter. It's crazy!  I bet my friend Frances is having so much fun at Ole Miss. She calls me every couple of days. In Corpus, we were very close, so for her not to call me that much means she is very busy and having a great time. I wonder a lot about how all my other friends are doing. Another one of my best friends just started at Princeton. I hope she likes it. I know her classes will be hard. I do like it here though. I am just beginning to make friends, and I think as time goes on it will get easier and easier. At least, that is what everyone tells me. I went to draw for a football wrist band today. My number was terrible. There is absolutely no way that I am going to get tickets. I wish I could have though. It would have been so much fun! I am not a big football fan, but because OU is such a big rival, it would have been exciting!  Gosh, it is so cold in here. I feel like my fingers are going to fall off. I hope the rest of the year it is not going to be like this. My roommate is now studying so I will have to be quiet for the rest of the night, but that's ok. I just go outside to talk on the phone or downstairs to watch tv. I believe that is what I will do after I finish this assignment because I really do not have much more homework to do. Actually, just kidding; I have a big economics quiz that I need to study for after I am done. Oh well another fun filled night of homework. This school is much more difficult than my high school. I miss the simplicity of high school. it wsa so much fun. Ok, my time is up so good bye.
its raining outside and it has been for quite a while, I can't believe I stayed out late when I had to get up at 5 in the mourn for army rotc that was stupid bc I sleep through it like an idiot and I sleep through my 1 oclock class for govt. man I can't believe I did that but what am I going to do about it now why do I do this all the time I ve been really good at doing shit lately, because I have to for a rotc but dammit why did I sleep through today, well I'm probably going to have to pay for it tomorrow I'm just disappointed in myself and I let my squard leaders down and that is who I went out with last night which does not make it any easier man I got to piss hold on, well I got to go work out today sometime to make up for missing this morning damn that really pissis me off, I wish I could just go back in time to 5 am, and get my lazy ass out of bed, we got a game tomorrow against Arkansas I hope we kick thre ass, then I'm going over to an arotc ranger party to watch the fight between del la joya and mosler I think, I can't wait but now that I missed the pt this mourn I don't really want to be there with all of my leaders bc they now I missed this mourn man I would pay a 100 bucks to go back in time, I really wanted to see what I was going to score on the pt test, I mean I know I wasn't go to score very good, bc they smoked our asses the days before but still I wanted to do it. oh I so don't want to study today but I know that I'm going to have to, I have not done any readings for psy and govt and I really need to, yeah I'm going to go run and work out then, ill do some reading and shitoh man the 20 minutes is almost up, I shouldn't complain to much about it, its a lot easier than some of the other hw my classes give me
I'm mad because I had just typed for twenty minutes and now I have to do it all over again because something happened to my laptop. AHHHHHH, I'm mad. Anyways today I turned 18. I'm so happy. Now I'm just going to write about anything because I'm hungry and tired. Today was a good day until this stupid thing happened. I'm mad. Tomorrow I'm going to San Antonio and I hope me three friends from Dallas can come visit me. It'll be all of them, Johnny, Cleo, my mom, and my two sisters. Lauren's letter made me cry. It was about how proud she is of me and all that good stuff. It was sweet too. Jesse made me cry yesterday because he got me something for my birthday and I thought he hated me since I'm with Johnny and all. That was sweet of him, but I wouldn't consider going back with him because of all the bullshit he put me through. He used to hurt me more emotionally than physically, but he did both at times. My other writing assignment was all nice and this one is all about bad things. Anyways, being 18 will be cool. I finally get to go into the club legally, meaning without a fake id. I also get to get my own bank account, either Wells Fargo or the University Federal Credit Union. I also get to go get my driver's license, because I never went to driver's education. Yeah! Okay, I'm a little happy now. Johnny is a good boyfriend though. He really cares about me and puts me first on what he should put me before. Like he rather be with me than his friends. That's cool sometimes, but I saw him this summer just enough to know that he really likes me. He hasn't called me yet. Oh oh I'm sad again. I miss him, and I'm glad I get to see him and all my friends tomorrow, hopefully my friends. I still have homework or should I say dormwork to do. HAHAHAHA! Okay that was corny, but I'm still cool. Oh yeah I'm going to a party at around 9:30. Oh oh I guess I'll have to call Johnny by then if he doesn't call me. He said he was going to the mall, so maybe that's where he's at. I know he had practice today so he got out at 5, but he still hasn't called me. Well it's still light outside, so I guess that's okay. Two more minutes and I hope the my laptop doesn't mess up again. Well today was a great day and I feel like Doey Howser typing away at my computer. That was dumb but I'm mad so I guess that's okay. Well times up, bye.
okay today is friday at 2:25 and at the moment I am wondering what I will be doing this weekend. I am going home on saturday with my best friend. my best friend is catherine, but now she prefers to be called cat. I have known her since I moved to kingwood (north of h-town) 5 years ago. she was my first friend and we have been through a lot together. we've also had our years of separation too. she lives a street away from me. I am listening to the cure. but the tape sucks because I used to listen to it in my car and my car's stereo sucked. now I don't even have that car. we sold it the weekend before I moved to austin. which brings me to the topic of austin. austin always seemed like such a cool place before I moved here. now that I actually live here, I wish I was back in houston. in houston I knew so many people and there was almost always something to do. and most of my friends stayed there. it's really fucking hard to meet people here since there are so many people. ironic. I have not given up yet. I guess I just have to go out more. hey psychology is my fav class. I hate math and chem is just like math to me. I used to like english in high school but now it's goofy stuff like "everything's an argument". I bought some ginseng today and I donot think it works. I am still tired. I am looking around my room for things to talk about because thoughts do not pop into my head unless I am looking around. I just remembered I have been having really fucked up dreams. last nite I had my 2nd weird dream. in the first one I almost died and everyone acted really strange. my second dream a lamb was killed in front of me. and there was some blue gel that was everywhere. I can't really explain it and it would take too long and I have only 8 minutes left. since I am a slacker and only do the minimum 20. I drank sobe lizard blizzard today and it was good. I think it was pina colada. right before I did this assignment, someone called and I could not understand them because the were those people who mumble. anyways I thought they were doing a survey so I went ahead and cooperated. well it turns out I was filling a visa credit card application over the phone and she told me I would get my card in a couple of weeks. I thought it was funny because I do not want a credit card and was going to tell her at the end but I decided not to. maybe she will get a bonus for getting a customer. I hope I am doing this assignment right. I did something like this in my high school english class. she had us smell crayons and write the first thoughts that came into our head. and thats what I did except everyone else seemed to have the same thoughts (thoughts about elementary, art school, projects). the crayons did not spark up any thoughts about my childhood. so I hope this writing assignment isn't supposed to spark some certain thoughts. supasticious.
I am so stressed out right now I don't even know what to do. If it's not one thing it's another. Everything seems to be coming at me all at once and there is no escape. I'm trapped. I have so much inside that I want to let out, and sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. There are just too many pressures. Sometimes I wish I could ignore all the pressures and just have fun and everything would still be okay. But it wouldn't be. Sadly, I'm stuck with all of these barriers that keep me from being who I really want to be. I wish I could just be Mary all of the time. But, it's impossible. I'm always too worried about everything, but I think you're better off worrying than just not caring at all. I always seem to look at many things in a different perspective than most people. I also find it hard to express those perspectives. Most people just don't care, but I seem to fret over everything. Maybe I'm obsessive, I don't know! But to top it off, I'm pretty happy where I am today. I guess all the fretting over tests and exams in the past got me where I am today. I can't believe how some people really are. Some people I know are on so much alcohol or drugs, that that's all they think about, and forget about life and forget about their dreams. They let their life pass them by, and before they know it they'll be a big nobody in the world. I don't want to waste my lifetime like that. While I'm still young I want to take so much advantage of the opportunities that I have. I would love to contribute to the world and be the best person I can possibly be. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me. I know the truth, and no one can judge me accept God. I want to be able to smile at the world and the world to just smile back. But the world is not that nice. It is such a mean, ugly world that sometimes I wish I didn't live in it. But the world can also be a magnificent thing to experience. There's just so much you can do, but it feels like so little time. Sometimes I'm scared that there won't be enough time to do whatever it is that I want to do. A friend once told me to do at least one thing a day that scares you. I like that advice. There's so much inside of me that I want to explode! And I wonder if this feeling will disappear with age. Well, I certainly hope not. I want to be 85 and feel like I'm still 15. A lot of times I wish I were 3 or 4 again with no worries or responsibilities. I believe being around that age was the best time of my life. I had no real care in the world. I was too confused to. I had no idea I actually existed in the outside worldI just was. Well, I could go on forever but I got things to do. I kind of like this assignment. It's neat. Well, I don't want to bore you or anything, and I think my 20 minutes is up! So, it was nice chatting with you Dr. P!
The first thought that comes to my mind right now is about two of my little sisters. They are ages 4 and 7. I can't help but worry about them atleast five times a day. They live with my mother who is not exactly the world's best role model. I feel bad saying this, but it is true. She is not very strict, and it is easy to get away with the things that she says not to do. When I used to live with her I took advantage of this. I made terrible grades, lied all the time, sometimes for no apparant reason, and I did not take care of myself. Thank God I got out of that situation. I moved in with my father and my former stepmother. They got me out of my bad habits for the most part and without them I would never be sitting at this computer doing an assignment for a college course. Even after my dad and stepmom got divorced I still lived with her, I am so thankful that she has been here for me all these years. Getting back to my sisters, I am afraid that they will fall into the same habits I did and they are not as lucky as I was to have my stepmom. I can see them in the future missing out on so many opportunities because my mom won't keep them in line. I hope that I can be a positive influence on them, but it will be hard because I only get to see them about once a month. They are beautiful children with great personalities. Unfortunately Regina the 7 year old has already had troubles in school. I know this is not my mother's fault, because it seems as though she has some type of learning disability, but at the same time my mother doesn't spend any extra time working with her. Andrea the 4 year old is absolutely brilliant, I don't think she will have any problems in school unless she falls into the same pattern I did of lying and not doing her school work. I would never want to see my sisters move in with there dad though, because I am afraid that would make my mother feel as though she were a failure. I cannot imagine having three children and then having all of them raised elsewhere. I know she loves all three of us, and we are her life, and I love my mother very much also, but I just wish she would make more of an effort to make better lives for them. It would be a big help if she would just grow up a little bit, her mother still runs her life, and she cannot make decisions by herself. Overall she needs to work on herself first and then benefit the children from that.