I've spent my second day at the university of Texas and I'm trying not to hate it. I feel lonely and depressed. I miss Wesley, I miss knowing everyone in my classes and what's going on with the school. when I first went to Wesley I hated how your professorss were so involved in your life, but now I know what the other extreme feels like, I really miss it. I kept looking for a familiar face, or even a friendly on, when I was on campus today. everyone looks different that the people in Boston. actually they all look the same as each other just different form the kind of people I know. I feel alienated and unsure - of myself, of the situation, of what to expect. I can't just look at someone and judge who they are and if I'll like them, because I don't see anyone who fits my idea of what "friend" should look like. no one looks like me. it was so good to have lunch with Kate yesterday because I didn't feel so alone and different. she looks like people should- I say that joking of course, but I guess I feel like I can understand her motivations, where she's coming form - I mean I know who she is and it's what I expect. I'm so glad she came here too - I don't know what I would do if I were totally alone down here. I think it's really a different experience for me because I've never not had friends, or had any trouble meeting people, but here I don't even know how to start. there are a million people in most of my classes, and the small ones are upper division, so people already seem to have friends. I didn't expect to miss Wesley so much. I thought it w0ulds be kind of fun to be anonymous, and that there would be a lot more funky people. nearly everyone I've seen is the sorority/frat type and I hate it!  I never thought Wesley was that diverse or funky, but I guess I've realized what I had all along. maybe I'm just remembering things with a rosy glow, or something. I mean I know there are plenty of Wendy Wesley oh-so-perfect women at Wesley who drive me up the wall, but I know how to deal with them. and most of them have at least an open mind, or something interesting that got them to the place where they are now. what else to say?  I just had an argument with my mom and I feel really guilty, I haven't seen her a lot lately and I was really looking forward to seeing her today, but as soon as she started in on about how I should rrahhhh - I hate that. I told her that I was going to use the computer for some web stuff and now she tells me I can't do it, right when I'm in the middle of an assignment. I'm totally annoyed. this just completes my feelings of displacement and loneliness. I'm at acc where I worked this summer and I came here because 1-I have no idea where the computer lab on campus is, and 2- I thought it would be nice to see everyone and feel like I still mattered to someone. now I just feel like hell. I think I want to cry, but I always feel so crappy when I do that - since I usually do it for some really stupid reason, like I feel like a jerk or something. god, I just feel like telling everyone to shove it today!  what a way to start the semester!  ok, I'm trying to think of something a little more cheerful and stop whining. I'm excited about going to the swing dance tonight, but I hope I can. I really want Eric to go, but I'm not sure if I want to want him to go. I hardly know him and he has lots of not-so-great traits. plus, I'm sick of getting hurt. I think I might just like him because he's there and I'm feeling so lonely right now. I don't know if it's right to be with someone just to be with someone. if it's not that serious, would it be that big of a deal?  I'm not sure. I keep going over this in my head - why can't I find the right one?  not the one to marry or anything as serious as that, but one that I really like/  one that fits all the qualifications I want who can entertain and teach me, who's nice and funny and interesting. rrahhh- this is ridiculous. I'm feeling really stress about the time now that she came over, I can't fully concentrate on what I'm thinking about. it's amazing how your mind rambles in loops or something - one thought brings on another and another until you're thinking about something totally different than what started the ramble, and you can't really remember how you got there.