ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
I know this guy that lies. When I met him, he lies about himself to fit in. Being the gullible person that I am, I believed all of his lies. After all, they're not that absurd--maybe they are. He said he worked at Best Buy when he was fourteen and had a cell phone. He said he was the on call technical support personnel. Dan Nguyen and I still teases him about that. I guess because of that, I didn't believe he got a new car when he actually did. His car is quite a looker. I wish my car is like that. It just needs a lot of work. Perhaps more money is needed than work. I need to work to get money. I have no idea when or where should I be working. I think the work load of UT is enough to stress me out without working. If I work, then my free time will be taken away from me. I really cherish my free time; I could work out at the gym or play video games. Something I never had free time to do. Well I also have to read a lot of materials for my classes. Today is September the 11th--one week from my birthday. I hate my birthday. Bad luck always happen on that day. on my 17th birthday I got my first speeding ticket. Three days later, I wrecked my car totally. September of 2001 was the worst month of my life. I guess I always expect to be happy on my birthday since it's supposed to be a good day. Maybe that's why it seemed even worse when everything wasn't going my way. I love my friends. They're people who really care about me and my life. I do the same for them. I, however, do have a problem with keeping girls as just friends. In my opinion, friends of the opposite sex who don't really care about your life are just as bad as some person you had a small talk in the elevator. The only reason I have those so-called friends is because they're my buddies' friends. We belonged in a clique, a group, if you will, back in high school. I don't like the idea of a   group  . Maybe things will change as life goes on. My roommate, Jeff, and I were best friends in high school. We are roommates for almost a month now, and we haven't made each other mad. I guess that's a good sign. I heard about stories about sour relationships over something stupid. I have a mello personality. I can compromise.
Today I went to class at 8AM. I didn't want to get up at all. Even though I slept by 11PM, it was really hard to wake up this morning. I do not look forward towards Tuesdays and Thursdays. My first class today at 8AM was all the way across campus and it made the walk there more dreadful. Also, when I got up there I didn't learn a bit. You know how in Charlie Brown the teacher talks like wah wah wahhh wah wah. ", the teacher's aid voice just seemed to trail away. As the class neared the end, I left early so that I could go home and catch a couple of z's before my next class which was at 11AM. Soon as I got home, I just fell asleep almost instantaneously. For some odd reason, I had a dream of home. Maybe I do miss it more than I think. By 10:30AM, I woke up to get myself prepared for the next class. I left late and arrived to class late, leaving me to sitting on the floor next to the door. Taking notes is such a pain in the ass, when trying to use your legs as a desk. I just sat there thinking about the repetitive information. Then soon after the 2nd or 3rd example, I blanked out and started to think about what I should do when I get home (back to my dorm) and that I needed to study for a quiz the next class. After the very monotonous class was over, I head towards my dorm room to eat some lunch with my roommate. I think he is feeling the same way as I do, tired, hungry, nostalgic, and lethargic. After lunch, I got prepared for my quiz. I ended up studying for 10 minutes at most. I should have studied more but I wasn't up to it. After studying a little, I watched the news and then headed for a class. I also went to that class a little late. For some reason, today has just been an "off" day. I think I did rather well on that quiz and the information didn't seem like it was "out of this world. "                 I guess the best way to track my feelings/ thoughts for this 20 minutes is the way I felt and thought about my day. I feel like this day was pointless in some way and that I should have done something productive. It seems like I always feel like that. The only thing I've achieved today was canceling my friend's plane ticket from Northwest Arkansas to Austin. She was coming to watch the old rivals play. I cancelled the airplane ticket because she found a cheaper mode of transportation. Other than that I set up my new computer and caught up with the news in Iraq and in California and also the hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean. I think I need to be motivated more. Someone to tell me that I need to go do something or someone to go do something with. I guess it's because I am feeling nostalgia. Back at home, I usually had someone to go do something with me or ask me to do something or whatever. But in this new setting and the freedom, I haven't done too much. Maybe I am doing more than the usual because I've finished most of my homework and chores this weekend and I'm just thinking that I need to do more. I guess it'll take me a while to get use to the college life.
When I first decided to go back to school I knew from my current job at Texas School for the Blind that I wanted to enrich my knowledge in the fields  of the social and psychological sciences. I soon realized that most of the more detailed social science classes required PSY 301. This brings us to the present. I have always had a strong interest in the ways and whys of peoples reactions to life. Since I was a young girl people have come to me for answers to questions on their lives or advice of different content. Supplying folks with this help has never over taxed my own brain and I have even found it to be very rewarding. I always chalked my natural abilities up to my own experiences as a child. I was ordered by law to see a psychologist because of the fighting of my parents over my sister and myself. I did the Rohrshac(inkblot test) , the what do you see in the clouds thing and many other "buzz" tests of the day (circa mid 1970's). Anyway, these test never showed my little 5,6,7, and 8 year old psyche to be under too much mental duress and I was an above average student at school. I even skipped lessons in 1st grade and was moved to 2nd because I knew how to read. However, since the death of my father last year and the pre-grieving of watching someone be taken by AIDS, my need to make heads or tails out of some of the reasons and whys my own life has unfolded as it has , has become an intensified desire I must look further into.
So Im sitting here typing about whatever is on my mind. Well, a whole lot is on my mind right now, like what the hell am I supposed to do about my car. Good Lord, that's all I needed, my care to really mess up on me. But anyway, right now, Im really missing my girlfriend. She is all that consumes my thoughts, so a random progression of my subconscious thoughts will most likely be all about her. I really know how much she means to me now that I went back home to see her. Enough about Liz. Thinking consciously about her will just make me very sad. I was thinking about acid the other day, you know, LSD. I was told that Lewis Carroll, author of "Alice in Wonderland", was having one hell of a trip when he wrote the book. That would explain some of the messed up things that he wrote about, but I think that if he had tapped into his own subconscious, he would have been able to write about the same stuff. I mean, LSD allows you to see things that you normally would not see on your own, but I think that deep within your own consciousness, that is what you would really see. For example, I have a friend that said that the ceiling looked like it was dripping, due to all of the little bumps on it from paint. If you look at a ceiling like that long enough, with a clear head, I believe that you would see the exact same thing. I guess that the only reason this kind of pisses me off is that there are so many people that believe that really messed up art, music, and literature can only be created by some one who is having one really wicked trip or who is on some drug or stimulant of some kind. That is complete BS because when I write, or draw, or create music that's really screwed up, I tend to always do it in a clear frame of mind. It really makes me mad that some people believe art comes from being fucked up when all the time it comes from the heart (where it should come from) or the inner recesses of  one's mind. I don't want people to think that all the art I create comes from drug abuse when it really comes from my own tormented mind. The absence of the love of your life can lead to some really messed up art. I've written some of the most depressing work Ive ever written lately because of that absence. If it were humanly possible, financially etc. , I would marry that girl in a heartbeat because I think the only way for me to be completely happy is to be with her. The drumming in my head is beginning to start. How quaint for the artistic flow to arrive just as I am planning to leave the site. The drumming will continue the rest of my evening.
I don't have enough time in my day for important schoolwork, studying, work, rest time, AND enough sleep to make me feel good. I haven't even left myself enough time on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays for lunch. What was I thinking making those work hours for myself. I gave myself 30 minutes to get to class. I have to wake up in the morning and work from 9 until whenever I get off to get to class in 30 minutes. that's no time to even stop and think or do an errand here and there. I had to go home this weekend to get a bunch of homework and studying done. I have one of the busiest weeks this week. Everything seems to be due on the same day, but thankfully not the same hour. When can I sleep?  I have to write four menus for four dinners of twenty people and write the ingredients list and have everything organized and typed. At least I can type and work here late at night. it is a getaway from my hot house and hot room. I should stay here all night one night. it's so cool and comfortable in here. I have to clean sometime today in between classes. the only reason I have time for anything now is because I didn't work today. I had to wake up with not enough sleep and I didn't even work today. I guess it's good though because I'm getting this and the pretesting done and that's important. I wonder if we get some sort of receipt for doing this like we are supposed to in the pretesting. I hope so it would be my luck that it doesn't get submitted. if someone is reading this, it was submitted. I wonder if anyone is actually reading this. it makes me so mad and frustrated with the mail system. it's always the really important letters and mail that gets lost. why did it have to be  that letter that got lost?  I have to go to some building to get my password for receiving email because I can't remember my password. I have to also pick up my financial aid check. maybe it's in the same building. I can't help correcting my errors as I type. it's a habit thing. my finger automatically goes to the delete key when I see an error. at least now I can what was I typing??? I think faster than I type and I type pretty fast, but as I type one thing I'm thinking of something else. it's weird to write down what you think. I don't usually think "oh I'm thinking about this" I just think. thought just go through my head. usually the thoughts that I really hear are the worried and stressed out thoughts because I know I'm slacking already and what is it like the 3rd week of school? has it been 20 minutes yet?  when you watch the time, it goes so slow. maybe that's what I should do to savor my time. just watch it. if I could watch a clock as I sleep it would be perfect. my sleep time would be good and long. well it's been twenty minutes. it makes me feel good that I got this done. that's one thing on my long list of things to do. What if they don't like my menu for the week?  it's too boring. the menu for this week has so my variety. oh I don't care. I have to stop thinking or I'll never stop writing.
the computer is not very easy for  me type on I would never say anything because me dad bought it for me I love my dad. he really got the shaft at work elaine is a horrible person. mom is so protective of dad its only been two minutes I wonder if I can think for twenty minutes I bet I do all the time and don't even notice,  this is hard because I think about more than o ne thing at once and they aren;t really complete thoughts just flashes in my haed but I know what thay mean. I should have taken a typing class in high school. the sky has really pretty simpson clouds I wonder what I have to do in all my classes am I doing thi right I need to be more organized I've been thinking about being organized all day I can't stop thinking about the living room curtains and a file box for my papers. maybe 15 it too many hours I hope I go to bio this chair really bugs me because it doesn't fit un der the desk. I should buy a different one I don't think I have enough money for all this stuff. where am I going to get money. maybe I should have gotten a job instead of taking another class I was thinking of something and now I forgot it. I wonder if adam and I will get married he would be scared if he knew I said that I sound like a stupid teen ager out of the 50's when I say that. I would marry him if I had to though I think I probably do really love him I dn't get sick of him I could be with him all day and I don't even notice I hope nothing bad happens even for a while my parents made it through college but they had a few fallouts. I hope we just marrily make it along untill we're old and gray but I know how nieve that is. did I spell nieve right I wish I had a better spelling sense I guess I could blame it all on my first grade teacher but that seems silly. my room mate came in I hope we are good friends. I really like her but I don't know how to make friends with people. I wonder why I can be friends with kids and poeple I don't think are important but its hard for me to be friends with people I like and want to be friends with. I fell like I'm coming on too strong but then I hold back and they think I don't like them. also people told me I'm not very approachable. I guess thats good because I don't like when random guy come up to me. I don't know how to get out of it without being really rude. cheryl is so perfect she can do what she wants and she is always so polite. tricia was like that too. I wish I was in 8th grade again for a day. whenever I think of middle school I get kind of queasy and real mad at my mom what a horrible time. I couldn't even get within a certian field of the house or I would sense a horrible aura. when I had to go I would force my self and run to my room and be a nasty depressed person. on day the church lady cought me running to the creek and I think she was genuinally concerned.
I mean. like I am really burning up. I got this really huge headache. I need some medicine. I wonder what is going on in UT right now?  I wonder if the football team won. I think I am beginning to like it there. It's a lot better than being in Houston now. It's so humid. I enjoy the air in Austin. Well most of it. Like the smog is getting bad up there. Other than that I  like it. I wonder what I can do while I am here. There is like no one here anymore. My whole life is still in UT. Hmm. I wonder who I should go back to UT with? Tai or Paul?  As long as they can fit all my stuff it's all good. I hope I cam get my computer up there soon. I can finally feel I am back in contact with the rest of the world. I hope I get a really awesome computer. I can finally quit begging my roommate to use his computer. Just asking him to use is it is like a big master plan. He is so protective of his computer. But that's ok. once he sees this 'baby' that I got, it's going to be a whole different ball game! rrHahahah. Even though I had some problems with my roommate at first, now things are a little better. I can actually open the door wide open!! What a luxury!! Oh jeez I forgot to do my laundry!!  I better to do before I go back to UT. I'll have stinky clothes everywhere. I got to get some CDs from my friend before I go back to. Free games and software for my computer. Ultimate hook up!.  And food for when I get back to UT. That Jester food can really get to you. I swear sometimes I think they have fillers in there are something. Cause. I can usually eat like a lot. but at Jester. I can eat a hamburger and get full instantly!. But there food. I think is not too healthy. so I find myself going to Gregory gym more often now. I never used to workout in high school cause you had to pay membership just to get in. Good thing Gregory is free as long as you are a student there. I feel healthier now then when I was in high school. I played tennis for high school,  but. I get more satisfaction when I can workout when I want to than. continuously playing. I get burnt out easily that way.
Autumn will be here soon. I wake up, get myself together, look out the window at the morning roar of the bitter city. Down. Down the elivator once again, floor 13, now floor 1. I step ouside and inhale, a cold rush of life crystalizing in my lungs. This is where I realsize that everyday is but a breath. That single inhale was a day, was a life. Old postcards line my smile. I am a story, and I tear up when I thumb through my dusty file cabnet of experiences. My eyes desperately search for ideas, while I know they are all within some governing organ I possess. Heart or head, it doesn't matter. but I find it odd that my eyes do the searching. My little fan is growling at me. It's probably upset that I always leave it on. Let me turn it off really quick. Ok. Done. I heard a door shut. The people in my dorm are an infestation. I cannot STAND them. I try so hard to see the good within everyone, but how can I if they are all the same. Everyday I walk around the autumn grasping campus and I look. Look at people, the sky, the earth, the buildings. but the people. I LOOK at the people. They make me laugh! We are so strange. I see people trying to avoid the world as they bounce down the gravel paths with an iPod pumping sound into their skulls. People who try to look sexy. People who look mad at the world, and sneer at you, the person mearly trying to understand some fraction on their existance and importance. People look at me too. What is it that I possess that makes their eyes flick up for even an instance to make contact with mine. My heart races when they do that. It's kind of a love. I love them for that one milisecond. I understand them for one lapse of time. But did they look at me because I was looking toward them? Am I attractive to them? Am I mysterious? Scary? Sexy? Sometimes people LOOK at me. That's my job. I absolutely hate being in here. Trapped between machine and the cement walls around me. I cannot stand the fact that our society is ruled by technology and media. I don't watch TV, I don't keep up with any news, I listen to music and read books. entertainment is all I need on media terms. We should kill our TV's though. As one of my favorite bands says "I wish the world was flat like the old days". I have to say: Amen. We need to evolve backwards! We need to get back to the old way of life, religion, and appreciate the earth and sky, appreciate our unique existence in the universe. We need to notice our equality before we notice the differences. But, I suppose it's just wishfull thinking.
okay I hope this works because I already did this assignment but some one called in and took me off line and erased my entire message. ooo frustration and things haven't been going exactly right lately anyway. Ooo this key board is really dirty, I should clean it. should what a funny word. I should do lots of things. Sunday morning, man it is hot. my ac was out for the last two days, but it is on now so this world is alot nicer. I am in a better mood. I feel relaxed this morning, peaceful. Sundays seem to do that to me, especially when the Monday is going to be a holiday. The fan is blowing on me and I feel great. I ran this morning 8 miles around town lake and it has to be one of the hottest mornings yet. wow, very sticky. I felt exhausted and sick when I was done, but nothing water couldn't fix. The radio is on in my room the TV in the living room and my roommates radio in her room. many a noises going through my head. Oh I need to change my calendar page tomorrow, I just noticed that. august is over, wow that went fast. each year seems to go faster then the last. I can remember being 16 thinking college would never come and now I am a junior and college is almost over! what happened. dishes I need to do the dishes before I leave today. I am going out to my ranch to meet up with my family for the day. Why is there chocolate in my bed? That is odd. The arch of my foot hurts. no good. can't have that for running. tomorrow there is a 4 mile race around town lake. 7:30 am. maybe Ill run in that, maybe Ill actually sleep in one day. I haven't yet. not really since last spring semester. It was the busiest summer that I have had in a long time. poof. Oh I need to write Andy a letter. I keep forgetting. It was nice to talk with him yesterday. especially since he paid the bill. That always helps. I have quite the movie collection going now I just noticed all my cassettes. I don't like this song playing now. hey the TV went off. I don't want to drive today. I am tired of driving. My relaxed attitude seems to be disappearing. I am beginning to think of all the readings I have to begin doing. I took 15 hours this summer so I am tired. what happened to that thing called break? I think it forgot me, but I had a great summer. can't complain, plus now I am that much more along. I am glad I did what I did. The list for Wal-Mart just was delivered to me by my roommate. hmmm what do I need or want, diet dr. pepper I have to have that stuff. yum, great for the caffeine. well the day should be one of reading and talking. I love the weekend life. Talk again with you later. Good bye.
I'm bored I wish it was friday so I cn go home I wonder what ash is doing I need to stop smoking this cd isn't that good I should throw away that phone card I need to get the car serviced this weekend I don't think I can write for 20 miutes oh well I wonder if I'll see her this weekend I hope bennigans calls today I really need that job as long as they le me off for homecoming I need to talk to steve about geting tickets for Rent in november I hope him and camille are allright I wonder how kenny and jen are doing this is stupid and doesn't make any sense I was stupid last weeken I hope she's not stilll mad at me I got to learn to keep promises I'm bored I don't know what to say so I guess I'l rambling for another 15 minutes. every little thing that you do I wonder how you make music symbols on the computer I wish I could use my mac this pc sux "friends slowly drift apart they give away their hearts" I need to find the lonestar single for ashley. I wonder if she's right about the gnats that would be tripped out but if she is then why doesn't julie visit me I don't think julie went to heaven that's no good but I'm not going to tell ash I think that because she took it bad enough I need to visit her grave this weekend that was wierd I got teary eyed just thinking about her is that really all t takes? I wonder if I can listen to the dance now or if its still too emotional yep turns out it is but its all good I can control it its more than a feeling hahahaa I'm really running out of things to say I wonder who gets to read all this crap? can't be much fun excpet to laugh at I bet the psychology department gets together on the weekends  and reads these when they're drunk who knows that ould be wierd 8 minutes to go  no not even that thank god that songs over thats just too spooky like in 6th sense and every time it starts I get a chill I wonder if that means jules is visiting high jules! :) how's it going? k thats about nuff enjoy the end