I don't understand how it is I'm supposed to write this thing when I can't even type as fast as I can think. it's crazy because right now at this moment I am under pressure to think. at the same time I am trying to spell every thing correctly because I am a horrible speller. I have trouble with double letters in words. for instance tomorrow. is that right?  it's funny that someone who is supposed to be smart. I hate when people call me smart because I don't feel it. it's even wrong to say that I just work hard because I really don't. I was one of those loser high school kids that never studied and was only interested in class if there was some hard core discussion happening. my teachers never knew and neither did my parents because they always assumed I was studying hard. well they piss me off because they or rather my dad kicked me out because of stupid crap. I think it was because I never talked to them I hated talking to them. they were so bluh. I mean I talked about sports and politics and crap with my dad. but never anything serious that involved me. and my step mom lied to me about most of her life. telling me that she was so sweet and innocent as a young person but she actually had like 3 abortions and now she can't have kids. then when I got kicked out she tried to be all nice and stuff to me. people never I'M me and now that I am trying to write this thing everyone wants to talk to me. that's like when you are on the phone talking to someone you haven't talked to in a while all your friends start to call you or when you run out of minutes. I think it's a rip off to society how these stupid phone companies and internet providers make us pay. last month I had to pay $117 on that stupid cell phone. I didn't even realize I had talked that much on the thing. now I have lost my train of thought and have no idea what to write. can I cuss on this thing. I don't want to sound dumb or uneducated (which actually to some degree I'm not and early I did say I wasn't smart) does that make me crazy. I wonder if I can type stuff in another language. say for instance people who's first language isn't english like my boyfriend. I think he thinks in portuguese and then translates everything to english or maybe not I do that for spanish when I am trying to understand people but I can't speak it for the life of me but I can somewhat write it. and I normally understand it too. but I really want to learn it big time for when I become a doctor. I want to be a teacher too but I'm afraid because I'm like super mean and right now my hands are tired from writing and I really hate the fact that I keep up with my chemistry and this homework, but my pre-cal I dread. maybe because that loser assigned 80 discouraging problems. they are supposed to be really easy but the way he teaches confuses me and it really ticks me off. I think I'm just not going to go to class and just do the work on my own and ask my really smart friends who are in calculus right now if I run into a problem. but how hard can it be I took that crap in high school but I forgot it all because I never went for understanding just for the right answer. I am developing absolutely horrid study, sleeping, and everything else habits here. I don't even clean as often as I used to. I just want to be lazy and go out. I mean I never got to do that stuff when I was home because I dad was super strict. I never even got in trouble at school. not that that is to be rewarded because you're supposed to behave in school and make good grades. which I did. but I had a job and participated in sports and did well in them too. but my dad wanted too much he wanted me to be perfect and to not make mistakes. I'm not just exaggerating either. my grandparents not even his own mother understand why he did what he did. and he has explained why he kicked me out. it sucks because I have to pay for everything when I thought I had everything. sometimes life sucks big time but I'm not about to complain anymore because I'm still here and my grandparents are helping me and I am trying to help myself but I just get so tired sometimes. I want to keep writing but I'm supposed to do my pre-cal so I can go to target with heather at like five to spend money I don't have.