Well. hmmm I'm not sure whtat to wirte here to monitor the mind I suppose  ihahve always been fascinated that the mind is the only organ that wants to study its'elf. i am a horrible typer . i'd like to think I'm fast but as what cost of accuracty. uhhhh. this is strange I'm trying to monitor my stream of consciousness but I am so aware of it as I perform this assignment that it does not seam to want to flow. i don't want to write down anything too embarrasing but why should that matter?  I'm in college not high school anymore. Social status amongst my peers really doesn't have any more bearing here. It doesn't matter what people think of me now. I don't have to worry about my appearanc all the time. though I still do. I suppose that's how shallow I am. I have to always know that I am looking good so that way I can feel good about myself. that helps me exude confidence. and that's attractive to women. But I'm not here to get a mate I'm here to get an education a degree so that way  I can be financially secure for the rest of my life but is that what the ultimate goal in life is. I think about this. is the ultimate goal in life to  make money, settle down, and start a family. to break this down means to say that we are to reproduce. buy why?  What is this necessary drive in humans and all creatures to propegate and keep the species going. basic nature to survive sure but then again why??  It seems like there should be other goals and other things to achieve in life. not necessarily to have children. will having children when I am older make me happy. i suppose so. I mean am I exactly like my father as he is exactly like his father before him. after all I'm already on the right track they both went to UT. but as much as I have fought with my dad in the past I think that I have done most everything in my life to please him and make him proud of me. I'm pretty sure that I have done that as he tells me that he is proud of me. i sure saw it in his face the day that I got my acceptance letter. i've never really seen my father cry before. but I think he  almost did when I yelled out that I'm going to be a Longhorn!!  That's something that I will never forget. the look on his face and the look on mom's. It makes me feel good to know that they are proud of me. but I have often wondered whether or not the things that I have accomplished in my life I did for myself or I did for them. i mean I have never regreted getting good grades or being in band and learning to play the trumpet. but did I do it all for myself or did I do it partly because I wanted mom and dad to be proud of me and to not have to be worried about me. hoping I won't turn out like Adam. It's not that my brother is a bad person. it's his mind right. Manic-depressive with bi-polar and narcisstic tendencies. and his refusal to take his medication. why??  I never understood what was so hard about taking his meds. he'd be fine but instead he chose drugs and alcohol. it's so weird I felt so bad like it was something that I could have fixed. something that was a problem that I had the answer to but it just wouldn't come out of my brain. consciously  I know that's not true. but deep down I still wish that there was something that I could have done. to keep him from hurting mom and dad and the rest of the family like he did. i never saw someone breakdown as much as my mother did. but Adam is better now I don't know if he's taking his med. but he. time's up