it's 9:19 right now. I should call home soon. I wonder how my family's doing. how's justin? and joshua? . and mom and dad. oh yeah, retreat. pick up at 7:30 friday night. san antonio. I hope all the church people are having fun . business. I like my ring. I'm calm . today's been so tiring. 8:00 calculus. gosh I can't do math early in the morning. mis. when you care about someone more than they care about you, you end up getting hurt. is it really worth it?  why the negative attitude. and yeah, I feel like I'm sinking into that depression that dr. pennebaker talked about the freshman. I believe ti to be true. I can see how most of us would get depressed. the whole new environment. new friends. keeping up with old friends. worrying about how to fit in. about grades, and gpa's and food and getting the freshman fifteen. find a family church. keeping strong in faith and healthy relationships. and to add to that everyone's else's problems. hm. that was a good kiss. I love gary. I feel so blessed with to have him. he is such a selfless and caring and giving guy! I'm glad he got back safely. I wish the ppl in the halls would be quiet. that's what I hate aobut college and ddorm life. there's always SOMEONE in your room or in your hall talking. and I can' t hget started on homesork anymore until like 9:00pm and by the time I finish I get reallly tired causeit's really late. and I wonder why I go to sleep so late. I waste all my time. I went shopping with lucy and josephine yesterday. at momoko. the CUTEST little store . I like my hello kitty towel. it's so cute and the the bracelet. except I wish it wasn't pink. blue's cuter. and yeah. hmmmmm. that other store the chadeau was really nice. I have to go back. gary's wallet is here. I wonder if he realy likes it. andi need to fill out loocie's address page it's cute oo with the "man toe" ppl. my arms are geting tired. why do we talk the way we do? why do we act the way we do? why are we igonorant and proud ppl who are too insecure to let ourtrue selves show. why must we put on an act. I hate karen. but I'm not supposed to. but why oh why is she the way she is? how insensitive!  and how int he world did she and jennifer becom best friends all of a sudden. what an act, I swear. it's all an act. they look so happy when they go arouund hating the world together. I don't know if jennifer is fake around me, either. it's so hard to tell. and I don't like the way she is with gary. I don't like it. I hate it, I hate it. why the fake smile and the fake happy attitude. how fake. and the high pitched voice. and karen. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. what the heck? she's ugly and she's fat and she's got big buggy eyes and she thinks she's all that . she's all FAKE. I hte fake ppl. I can't' stand them. I hope I am not ever like that to anyone. this stream of consciousness thing is helping me vent. and my arms are getting tired. but hey, I like this. writing whatever I want. and not have anyone read it. lalalala. fudd is cute. so is fergus. and I need a picture in my p[icture frame. and hm. lucy's mirror is turned backwards. and m. I cna't help my coreect my mistakes. hehe. I hoop gary comes back soon. how come he's got all these new friends to study with. I wish I did too. but my homework. you cnat' really groupd study with. hm. lalala. if I only took philosophy and chemestry this semester, maybe I'd have a class or two with gary and maybe things would be more bearable. or maybenot. cuas jennifer's in that class. and oh. jennifer shue. she doesn't seem very real either. hm. why do people blame others for thing s that are not their fault? that's so stupid? is it a sense of denial? lalala. why can't we accept the truth and accept our weaknesses and admit we are wrong? why must it always be someone else's fault? that's such an immature attitude / I wish I could give them all a lesson. and take away all the ppl they're depending on. and show them that they can't go on living a lie. I like this computer. and the screensaver. and the background. the paperclip is so cute. and josphine's so sweet and lucy. I like it when we can really share and talk and not worry aobut being judged by our own friends. it was never tha tway with akren or jenn or maxine. I've alwyas had to be very careful in fear that tey might look down on me or tlk behind my back and such and such. lalal. I want my own apartment and decorated it all nice and pretty with a puzzle room. and a candle room. and really cool picture frames and dried flowers. yeah. I hope our new house look sreally nice. I want to be an interior decorator. yeah, how interesting. I would be so good. an one more minute. I want something to drink. I'm thristy. orange juice? OJ? simpson? what's that term called? word association. club meetings. chp. and come on