ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
College life is so much different than anything that I have ever experienced in my life. It is so neat how you come here knowing so few people, and by the third week you are best friends with a group of guys from some place you have never heard of. I would never have guessed that I would get a roommate that is engaged and is never here, or break up with my girlfriend, or even meet so many different people. What is so neat about it is that you meet somebody new every day. You meet those people, then you meet their friends, and then their friends, and before you know it you have this huge network of people that you thought you would never meet. The other thing about college that was different was the incredible urge within me to surround myself with people that I previously did not know. That is why I broke up with my girlfriend. I was being stubborn and was thinking to myself that there are so many women here and I will find somebody else. Sure there are plenty of other people here, but not one has been as cool as Monica was. Now I can't decide if I want to get back with her or if I want to stick it out and find someone different. When thinking about this decision, the saying, "don't fix it if it ain't broke" always comes into my head. We were happy together and we had fun, so why should I not stay with her. Then again we did have our bad times and there are so many other people here at UT. I don't know what to do so I'll move to another topic. This semester I am taking 17 hours of course work. I have six different classes and everybody thought life was going to be so hard for me, but it really has not been to bad. You have so much time to get everything done in college. Where in high school I was playing 3 different sports and taking hard classes, now I am just taking those hard classes. It is nice to be able to do whatever I want when want. I am used to having my parents around nagging me about homework and studying, but they can only call and do that here. Just because I am not feeling to swamped with 17 hours doesn't mean that I want to continue taking that many hours from here on out though. After this semester I only have to take like 13 hours a semester, which will be even better. That is unless I decide to study abroad. By writing about exactly what I have been thinking about, I can now see what has been wearing on me since I have been here. I mean I knew what the basis was for all I was thinking about, but until now I hadn't really thought about how all this stuff has such an effect on me. I have always and always will worry about my schoolwork and about girl problems, so that doesn't really come as much of a surprise to me. However it does surprise me that taking 17 hours doesn't really bother as much as I was thinking it was.
I just wasted over an hour and a half trying to get my stupid Ethernet card to work. the worst part is that I waited over four weeks for this stupid thing to come in and now none of the drivers and software recognize it. I think it is  royally <blank>. now I have to waste another two hours talking to technical  support so they can take the thing back. what a rip. this makes this day a  really big let down, considering I complained to my parents about getting this  thing up here for me. I could have been doing some of the hundreds of hours of  homework that I have to do. this day has been really wasted. every day is a  waste. all I do is homework each day and nothing more or less. occasionally I get to watch half an hour of television or go to the union or go play a few  video games, but lately, it seems that every class wants me to spend a few hours each night working on their assignments. I haven't even had time to look around the Austin area. I haven't seen a movie in a while either. this place  really sucks. I don't do anything really interesting. I have no life. now Im complaining too much AND being self-conscious. I couldn't even read my notes on that example. he talks too fast for people to keep up. psychology sounds pretty cool. the breeze never hits Austin. it's like it is always hot and the sun never goes away. maybe one day it will turn into fall in this town and finally it's  be relatively cool so I don't marinate in my own juices. yeah, I know it sounds gross, but what would you call it? I take a shower, walk to Kinsolving, when I  get there, Im tired and need to take a shower, and I sure do work up an appetite. it's the way back that is a killer. by the time you get back to Moore hill, you feel like rolling over and dying because of your full stomach, the  supersaturated shirt and the fatigued feet. I need to jog more. it seems like  Ill never have time. I never have time to do any of my old hobbies. for crying out loud, I can't even get y network card to install onto my notebook. I wish I had time to do my old hobbies, like photography. I could have and should have majored in photography. maybe I should major is psychology. it's a really  interesting class and I kind of like it I wish they served more than three flavors of ice-cream. it's like that chicken. 'today for dinner, roasted chicken. for lunch it'll be chicken dumplings, tomorrow it'll be chicken soup. then  creamy chicken blank. tomorrow it is chicken patties, the next day it is chicken nuggets, the next day they'll run out of chicken and serve chicken fried steak with chicken gravy for the steak and mashed potatoes' it's repulsive what they serve us. maybe I should reduce my meal plan. better check in the morning. I  still have another few minutes. my roommate is asking about cyanide. I guess  thats what happens when your girlfriend dumps you. tough break. he's been really depressed. he's been like this all evening. I wonder what Ill do tomorrow. I better get a plan together for what needs to be done. hmmm. I wish I could  get my net access. now Im pissed.
Last Saturday, my parents sold the house that I have lived in my entire life. Even though it has been on the market for over a year, I was very upset. It seems to me as though my family is falling apart. I have three siblings, and we are all located in different cities and have our own homes in these cities. And since the place that my parents are moving to doesn't have rooms for us, where I am right now is my home now. Where my brothers and sister live is their home now, and it doesn't feel like we are a family anymore. Because the definition of a family is someone who lives together basically. Even if we wanted to stay in the same place in my hometown, Amarillo, we couldn't. There are six of us in my family, and my parents only have one extra bedroom. My sister only has one extra bedroom, so half of us are going to have to stay at her house and half at my parent's when we are in Amarillo. It's so weird. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I drive past the house. I'll probably pull into the driveway not thinking. I do things like that all the time. Without thinking, one day, I drove to my best friend's house because I was thinking of her, and she wasn't even in town. I just have to look on the positive side of this move and remember that it is what my parents want. They are so excited about simplifying their lives, but it is just hard to know that we will never be that family again under one roof. My family is the most important thing in my life, and I don't want that to change. I guess my biggest fear is having the relationships that my parents have with their siblings. They were close friends with their siblings, and now they barely talk to each other. Now that my siblings and I are beginning to make families of our own, I don't want to lose any part of the relationship that we have now. I've gone through life making friends and growing apart, and it has been really hard on me, but my family has always been there. Without that solid relationship, I don't know how life is going to be.
I swear that office space is the funniest movie I have ever seen. "Yeah, hi!". "It's Bill Lumb. ". I can't stop laughing. Albert is on the bed hugging a leopard pillow. Jo just emailed me from St. Louis and I don't know if she's okay. I haven't talked to her since I left for school. She is okay to take care of herself I guess. I can't believe that Pami, Liz and Katy left for Dave without me. They suck, oh well. I'm doing fine myself so I guess it doesn't really matter, shit, I've got the place to myself. College life is pretty bad ass. No one really cares what I do, well I guess my parents care. Oh well, I guess I'm in another state and it really doesn't matter. Liz is so retarded that she bought a poster about the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. She picked that out of all the Bob Marley and Pink Floyd posters there. I guess that is just her style. "I'm going to have to ask you to move again to another office" "That would be great" But I set the building on fire. It is so funny I can't even stop laughing. I wonder if Kenny is going to call tonight. I really do wonder how much longer I will really be with him. I love him to death but I'm to young to have a serious boyfriend. Al is so funny. He looks like he would be all buff and mean but he is really complete goof. He tries to get all big so he can impress the "ho's" but he doesn't understand that he can't do that. He's to goofy. Just kidding. He kicks ass though so I guess its all good. I can't believe my dad made me add another class. Schools already been going for about two weeks and Ill have to make up the work. Plus all the other stuff I have to do. I want to be able to go out more, and have fun. That's what college is for. I'm still going to study a hell of a lot but also party too. I don't want to miss out on anything and then have to feel regret for not doing all that I'm allowed to do now that I'm in college. I don't understand why everyone is freaking out. I guess their just freshman, well so am I but oh well, and they will get in the hang of it soon enough. Peace out PSYCHOLOGY its been twenty minutes.
I remember when asked to do this assignment, I was wondering if someone would actually really want to know my thoughts. I find it kind of hard to just type out all of my thoughts, considering that there are hundreds of random thoughts every minute(or it seems). Phones ringing. cell phones. yuck. Interruptions. I knew that would happen. I don't think I'm capable of having twenty minutes of silence to type something. All I know is that I am really really hot which will probably affect my thinking. I'm naturally a "hot natured" person, and my sister's room is really hot. So hot I'm sitting here sweating and I'm barely moving my body. My room is just as hot though. I'm just hot all the time. I wonder what affects it really does have on me. I know it makes me grumpy sometimes. Especially if I'm hungry at the same time. That's just a bad position to be in hot, sweaty, and hungry. No matter how low I turn are air conditioner, I'm still burning hot. Not to mention our electricity bill that makes me just as hot! But I guess I don't have any room to complain. I couldn't ask for anything more in my life. I have everything I've ever wanted and more! I accidentally meet my boyfriend and he just makes everything even better than it was. He makes me see things that I would have never seen before. He really has made a difference in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you God. I wonder how my mom is feeling? Her surgery was last week, so I'm sure she doesn't feel as bad as she did. Since she was at work a couple days later, I guess she must not have felt too bad. But she is a strong woman the strongest woman I've ever known. I'm proud to say that. Very proud. I guess you kind of' start missing your parents when you leave for college and you're far from home. But I am lucky to have an older sister(who I live with) and I've always gotten to follow behind her, making her do everything first. That's made my life a heck of a lot easier. I do miss my bed and my dogs. Not to mention my home. But I'll be going home soon, so I'm ready to go. I'm ready to introduce my boyfriend to my parents and grandmother too. That should be fun! I know it will go well though. I also wonder if my sister's car will be out of the shop, because I wanted to leave earlier than my sister. She won't get out of class until 4pm and I was wanting to leave around noon. It just takes so long to get there. Grant wanted to ride with my dad when he goes on duty too. I guess I'll leave around noon anyway and not go into work. Ohwell. I'm broke as it is. Why not add to that?!? A couple hours of missed work won't hurt to badly. I do need the money though. I'm going to be eating well that weekend anyway. I'll have 2 meals a day! That's more than I can say now and the food I'll get there is a million times better then what I would have here. You really start to miss the little things about life sometimes it just takes leaving your home for a couple months to do that to you. Years. it's going to' be hard to be away for that long. But I guess it kind of grows on you after a while and you just don't realize or notice it. Hmm I wonder how long I've been typing. I have a lot to read.
trying to track how my mind works. I have so many different things going on in my head right now. mainly worries. I have so much to do and it seems like so little time. the scholarship, the basta website, the volunteer tutoring thing. I don't know if I'll be able to finish everything. I feel so drained, so tired. oh well. nothing is as it seems. blah, I feel like I need to just stand in a field and scream at the top of my lungs and let all this worry all this frustration everything that is inside me just come out. maybe then I can relax. I worry too much occupy my mind with so many different things I sometimes feel like my head is going to explode. ay diosito santo que vida. yawn. I feel like I need a vacation. a six month vacation away from everything. no classes, no relationship problems. or I should say breakup. I know that this is part of the problem. I've spent three years with adrian and now from one day to the next he wants things to be over. because he's not sure how he feels. we survived a year in a long distance relationship and now nothing. oh well. not much you can do. I feel sad. lonely overwhelmed at times. but I have good days. days when I feel like I could go on forever just plowing through the week the months the year until I finish my program. then what after that. I feel like I don't have a direction. I have a ba, worked as a teacher in ny for a year, now back in school to finish a certificate program. but then what I want to go to grad school, to law school maybe, but when. what if I don't make it then what. I have no plan. I feel like I just am trying to figure out what I need or want to do. who am I really. what am I going to do. I need a good day of just sleep. that would be really nice right about now. a day of sleep, of rest with no interruptions, no worries just sleeping. I don't even want to dream. just that kind of dead to the world thing. no time though. too much to do too many things going on. deadlines and commitments and work and school and everything in between. gosh I've been rambling, but not saying much really. stream of consciousness assignment. seems forced. are these really my true thoughts or thoughts only in response to an assignment. I think I'm thinking too much. what time is it anyway. time to stop maybe. twenty minutes translates to a good number of thoughts huh. time to go, I've got errands to run. what time is it anyway. good only about thirty seconds left.
I'm looking at a picture of my best friend who is now in Nashville adn I wonder what she is doing right now. I'm wondering what my boyfriend is doing at school at this very moment and why is every second centered around me like a movie or something, I think we should be able to take a sneek peek into others lives right when we want to. I've wanted to know why life isn't that easy. Pictures are supposed to make you happy and remember happy times yet when I see them I just think about times that will never take place again because they are in the past. Sometimes I seriously resent the past. I need to do my laundry and I need to put a different CD on the player because this one is getting old. I got two card for Greg and I need to get off my butt and get the stamps. My mind is just full of things I need to do but I figured I would get this one done first, before I forget to do it later. I'm still hungry and I'm not sure if it is out of boredom or what. I refuse to get the freshmen fifteen because I'm happy with my weight right now. I like to workout and I need to do it more now that I have the chance right now. I hope my mom is doing well at her job right now. I also hope I get to go home for labor day to see Greg for the first time in two weeks. I miss him so much, but if I stay busy it won't be that hard and will go real quick. Twenty minutes sure is a long time and I don't know how long I have been on the computer, it seems like the internet and email are the only links to people outside of UT. I would call more but bills are so expensive. I need to make my bed before I turn into a complete slob. The chair at this desk is way uncomfortable right now and my legs hurt from walking. My feet are going to look so ugly after one semester here but oh well. I'm going to get stamps after finishing this, I can't wait until it gets cold. Hot weather makes me so tired all the time.
You can't tell a person to write their feelings and expect that to show their thought processes. The awareness of the exercise takes away the naturalness of thought and the process of transcribing one's thoughts is inexact anyway. Well, I'm having difficulty doing it anyway. My apartment sucks. It's so modern. The clubhouse is littered with "artistic" wrought-iron chairs and bright paint and triangular windows and shit. There's nothing artistic about that-- it means nothing to the creator and it's just used to entice "hip" college kids to waste their money on these glossed-over crack house apartments. I'm not too upset about it though. I'm used to that sort of thing from corporate entities. The hard thing about these exercises is the difficulty of knowing the audience. It's not to the professor or the TA or my classmates or even to me because, I'm thinking it, why do I need to tell it to myself?  I write this and click the submit button and it travels into some ethereal world where it is represented to the prof / TA / whoever as an affirmative for social security number 465953267. Maybe that makes this more / less daring. I don't have to worry about you(whoever you are) reading it, and more importantly about myself going back and reading it tomorrow or in a week or a month or whenever. It makes it more daring because I can write anything and as soon as I click submit, it vanishes as far as anyone is concerned. Less daring in that I risk nothing. I'm wondering about the symbolic value of that word submit. I submit my thoughts. Earlier I was thinking about something. It was a little fragment of a story about existentialism in a Borgesian dream format. Maybe I'll develop that now. I dreamt last night that I was a mercenary in far away world where I had no vested interest in the goings-on. The denizens of said world were warring over things of grave importance. I posed the following question to myself: "If I were to care about a side which would it be?"  And so I picked a side and started fighting. Without fervor, without life-and-death importance, but with respect and a little curiosity. Not too bad. I'm not much of a writer. I guess as 20 minutes pass one begins to get used to the audience and just write. I'm out of ammo.
It is a rainy  grey day and i am enjoying just hanging out around   my house. just lazing around feels good. the print on my computer   has broken. I tell you what there is always something. more money   more money. i have always worked and being unemployed feels so   strange and makes me feel like  I'm walking on a tight rope. I hate   the feeling of being cheap and worring about money. but so it goes   the money chase. I will be getting back to work very soon. Its been a   strange summer hit over and over.   It feels so good to see Scott out of his brace!Man he took that whole   thing well. I think we both took it very well. Its hard to see someone   you love in pain also it can be plain hard just being around   someone who is trapped in a brace. i know it would have been a   nightmare to kick-it with me in a back brace! I would have been a   emotional rollercoaster. anyway we made it through those 3 months   pretty well. Free again,yes!   my house always seems to become a mess, I just cleaned a day   ago.  It's been along time since i just sat down and wrote. I never seem to   keep up with a journal  I only write in them when I'm sad or   depressed. What a shame i could learn so much about myself . my   grandmother says you just have to force yourself to write a 2 pages   a day. Speaking of my grandmother i need to write her she is such   an amazing women. i feel guilty because i have gotten 3 letters from   her and still have not  written. ok,ok, don't talk about it just do it! Less   talking more doing. That is so like me, I'm working on it but I love to   talk about the things I need / want to do instead of just going for it. like   working-out its silly . Ok I am just yapping about nothing and already my time is out.
I feel very awkward about having an assignment that doesn't give exact specifications as to what is supposed to be produced. I know I'm supposed to write about what I am feeling, but that is a very difficult thing to do for me. I don't usually tell anyone how I am really feeling ever. I'm worried that I might not be studying as much as I should be. I don't exactly know what to study for any of my classes. I mean I know I could read the texts, but I really don't think that would do me any good since I have yet to be lectured in any of my classes except for math. I hate math. I don't think my pre-calculus professor is very good at explaining anything. He is always getting side-tracked and making all kinds of mistakes. I don't think I'm going to do very well in his class and it really bothers me. I miss my boyfriend a lot. He is going to school in El Paso and I'm not going to see him for at least three more months. I tried living with him in El Paso for a couple of months but all we did is get on each others nerves. I was going to go to school with him, but I decided to move back to Austin because we were starting to hate each other and I missed my family a lot also. It's weird but we drive each other crazy when we are together and we miss each other like crazy when we are apart. I really don't understand it at all. I wonder about what he is doing a lot and miss him holding me at night. I know I need him and he needs me, and I really hate it. I have always thought of myself as the strong independent type who didn't need anyone, but I know the truth even though I would never admit it to even my closet friends. I wonder if my friend did okay at her new job orientation today. She was so excited when she got hired. I really feel insignificant sitting in this huge library, on this huge campus, in the middle of a huge state, writing about what I am thinking. I mean who really cares anyway?  People are always asking you how you feel, but I'm pretty sure they don't care how you respond. I know lots of times I ask people how they feel and then totally ignore them afterwards. I hate when people look at me in queer ways. I always wonder about what people are thinking of me when they look at me. I wish I didn't care, but I do.