ahhhh. I can't take it anymore, living with Erik. I seriously don't understand what we are. Well, actually I think I do but just won't admit it. We're friends with benefits, that's terrible. We sleep in the same bed every night, and we cuddle, I rub he's back every night before I go to bed, and then he turns over and I rub his chest and stomach, and every morning his arm is around me. But every time I go to bed I always remind myself to stay far away from him as possible on the bed. like I always try to have my back facing him, but sometimes I can't help especially since his place is always so cold. I feel terrible that denniele has to sleep on the floor, and sometimes yeah erik and I will do it when she's only a few feet away. The thing is erik and I are really good in bed, but its more than that. It's really hard to get over someone when you're living with them, I want to move on I really do, I just I still like Erik. our relationship is really weird though, I mean he still has the picture of him and I out on his bed stand, and he'll do these cute little favors, why?! Why are men so difficult to understand? They want one thing, but do another, its like shit make your mind. They say we play games whatever. D and I just need to move out of there, but how can we when we can't even get approve for an apartment, we were suppose to move out like 2 weeks ago, but didn't get approve. It's really nice of Erik, my exboyfriend to let us stay at his place. D still doesn't have a job, but she's going through all these problems, she's so depressed and I'm really glad she's finally seeking help for it. The position she's in must be really difficult especially with me and Erik around. The other night, his exfiance called from Florida I know it was her it had to be. Well, since I did read his mail, and she's trying to find him, and the girl in the photograph who's half naked in his drawer is his ex he just won't admit to me. Ahhh. he's an asshole, but I still want him, why because as much as we don't want to admit, girls like the asshole because it's much more exciting there's a chase. But when a good guy comes you don't want him, strange huh. Anyways, D and I just need to meet new people that's all, but where? Seriously, where do we find new guys, not 6th street that's the worse place to go to. Shit I know he's out there somewhere, I shouldn't even be worrying about this stuff, there's so much I'm going through, with school and work, all this pressure I don't know even I can handle it. I'm really afraid of what the future holds for me. I really miss my family I haven't been home since spring break and I haven't seen my family since June, it's terrible that I didn't even go home at all this summer, I guess the reason I stayed was because of Erik. Erik was my first boyfriend, but not my first sexual partner, I was raped. He's so adorable, ahhh! I still remember our first conversation and the first times we went out and dated, ahhh! Oh, goodness I saw Ian last weekend, well he gained weight, and now has a girlfriend, good for him as long as he is happy then I am happy for him. I've always wanted to know what would have happened if I had told him how I felt about him. But then I met Erik, so who knows. I am so behind in all my classes, I've barely read for anything which is terrible. I just can't study at home at all, I get so distracted with Erik and D being there. I am so indebt right now, I owe all these institutions money. Because of my irresponsibility that's why. Oh well, I know everything will be okay. I feel so fat I'm 137, right now I want to be at least 125, agrrrr. patience I'll be there, I just haven't had the time though to go down to gregory to workout. It's really just my tummy that's big, I still can't believe I got my belly button pierced last week, heheheh. I'm working today and the next two days, I need to make some mad money. Whatever happens happens, right. I wonder how my papa is doing where is he, somewhere on the road probably. I hope my dad and my sister are talking to each other, it's really hard when you have two daughters and one is always and the other one barely talks to you. I hope my mother is okay, I'm sure she is. Oh anyways, D's parents oh I love them they have helped me so much and guided me through a lot. The last few nights have been really fun, sitting outside with D for hours and just talking we haven't done that in a long time. I guess living with Erik though we have no privacy what so ever, she doesn't either. I hope she finds someone good, she's good person who deserves someone that will treat her right. OH and her brother deserves someone good as well, goodness I had the biggest crush over him this summer and Kenneth, too again. I saw Kenneth the other day, still so cute. But he's just so good, he doesn't deserve someone like me, trust me. What's up with Michie, I miss her I haven't spoken to her in like a month, how is she doing medically. HMmm! I really need to go home to Houston and visit everyone I actually need a break from Austin, I think I guess I'm just afraid to leave D and Erik alone in the apt. , its so sad that I don't even trust them together. I know I don't I've never trusted Erik, and I don't think he ever trusted me from the beginning and maybe that's why our relationship didn't work. He knew that I used to have feelings for Kenneth, and yet I hung out with the dude probably more than I did with Erik this summer. hmmm like I said I need to find fresh meat. ehehehe