at this point I am very unsure of what exactly to do or where my direction for the future is. My paranoia that I developed from living in ny has certainly overcome my life as everyday is almost a struggle at times to go on because I so easily find something to mess it up. I feel as if everything is always ready to go wrong, so I guess I need a more optimistic view of my life so I don't have to have negative beliefs everyday that ruin a perfect day.  I guess I am also questioning whether I belong in Austin or if I should return to NYC and transfer to nyu business school. I will need a 4. 0 both semesters which will be close to impossible for myself in order to stay here. in addition I also wonder if I belong here and if I can fit in with everyone else. they are all nice to me but I just wonder if I can fit in and if they are all being fake to me behind my back, not that I don't already have to deal with that in ny. if it were not for people I could trust like Reid or Jason or a very few others than I don't think I could make it here. I am very surprised to find how certain people have just drifted away and its like I make an effort and they don't even care about it. I just feel that sometimes things are not any better here than in ny and if it came down to the two I would probably just go back to NYC.   NYC has a very special importance to me. I feel in a weird way that I can fit in there and it is my real home. to have the opportunity to live there for college and party all the time is really exciting, although I wonder if it would be the right choice to go back east since I was so miserable there. Danielle is the only person who I can count on and maybe even Nicole if I was not so pissed at her for going out with mike, but then again maybe that is my fault. if I wasn't so flirty and actually expressed my feelings than maybe it could have worked a lot better, but then again I always find someway to screw things up as usual which always haunts me at every task or thing now because I go in with such a negative attitude all the time. hopefully I can have another positive year like last time and it will help me be more confident. In the mean time I really need to focus on new goals and establish myself more positively:       1. get a 4. 0 average so I have the opportunity to stay if I want to but keep all transfers in mind especially nyu or something in the Boston area in case I feel the need to leave.    2. keep working out and getting big - competition is tough and I have to compete with you know who so I feel as if I must keep on going and hopefully it will work and I will look decent for once in my life - I also need to stay healthy and I need, I want a 6 pack by years end if it kills me      3. work on being social despite my physical problems and hopefully I will win out with whatever way it goes      4. help your community out and help others - remember you have been bad and need to fulfill certain things because the lord put me here for a reason and I want to be helpful and give happiness to others since I am not happy at least     Remember to keep it real and tight  . CAN'T NOBODY HOLD ME DOWN!!!!  I CAN'T STOP! I WON'T STOP! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO STOP!   )