I really want to go take a nap but I can't because I have so much work to do. That's how it's been since rush started. Rush was when I really started feeling like my life was going through some changes that I didn't know if I could handle. Now that's it's over and now that school is underway, the stress doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I always heard that college would be super stressful but never realized that what people were referring too wasn't necessarily just the school work. I thought I was SO prepared to come to UT, and I guess based on my high school education I am, but I was not ready for trying to mix sorority and social life (one in which they expect you to go out every night) with school and my goal of a 4. 0. Now, for one of the first times, it feels like I'm not going to be able to reach my goal. I am so worried about it. I already know what I want to do with my life, and that just makes it more stressful, because I know what I need to do to get there. Oh well. I don't know what to do about Trey. He is my boyfriend, or actually we're on a break because he wants me to feel no extra pressure of feeling like I owe him time while I figure out UT and while I get situated with everything. I didn't know someone could care about me the way he does. And its so weird now because we always knew it would come to this and it just never seemed like it would matter. I guess nobody really knows what to expect. I spend more of my time helping other people and trying to make everyone in the world happy, that a lot of times I forget that my  happiness is important too. I guess that's why me not feeling the need to make time for Trey has been good for me. It gives me less stress, but it feels like more is missing than just him. In everything I do I put my everything into it. So just knowing that I am missing opportunities to make him happy and even to make my parents happy by taking time to go have lunch with them, is tearing me up. This week my goal is to try to squeeze in school work and stuff, but also I am going to go to every social thing this week. I really want to make sure I give this sorority thing time to show why everyone who is in it, is so in love with it. My mom is real pushy about it. And my brother. I don't think anyone in my family realizes that my brother and I are two different people. I am not a partier, but we'll see I guess. I just really want to get good grades so I can choose where I want to go to medical school. My brother had to go to law school in Lubbock because he didn't get in to UT's. He was upset. I want to dictate my own future and where I want to go. I just took that pretesting survey a few minutes ago and I thought it was interesting the variety of questions they asked. I have a huge fear that someone is in the backseat of my car ALL the time. Well, only at night, like when I get in it after I've been inside or at someone else's house. I guess it's better safe than sorry, but it gets old. I don't know if that fear was there before I heard about my mom or if it just got worse after it. My mom has been through some stuff that I can't even imagine, and that I didn't find out about until this year. That would be weird, determining when your kids are old enough to tell them about certain things. Like her mom. My mom's mom was my favorite person in the world. She was always smiling and happy and genuinely kind to and interested in everyone around her, especially strangers. I found out also recently that she went through a long depression spell and when my mom was younger got electroshock therapy that changed her life. It hurt me when I found out about that because it seemed that I was in love with a different woman because it supposedly changed her personality dramatically. I don't really even know much about it. I really hope trey finds something he loves in this world. I really wish I knew how to motivate him. He told me the other night that he feels like a loser around mje sometimes, even though he is not at all. He is taking classes at ACC, where there isn't much school involvement or much room or making new friends. I'm at UT taking 16 hours, with goals and ambitions and a new social life and a new school to be excited about. I really can't imagine us not staying together but we've been through so much and it really seems like we are perfect for one another, it has since the first day. I get really sick of people saying I'm too young to know. Maybe I am, but I am a strong believer in finding things out for myself. I always have been. I miss high school sports a lot. That's where I got a lot of my self-esteem from. Those underclassmen and everyone looked up to me so much. I know that I am changing here, even though it hasn't really been new for very long, and I just hope I remember who I was when all this is said and done. I like myself and I don't' ever want to be just a person in the masses. I don't think I'm doing this free-write right. I don't think its supposed to be as much about my personal life. I just really have a lot on my mind, and I guess everyone else does too. I have to go eat dinner before I go get dressed for tonight so I'm glad the time is almost up. It almost feels better just to write everything down. I used to do that a lot. Write out my thoughts whenever I was stressed or upset. Now I'm so stressed I don't even have time to do that. Car rides are just about the only time I have to myself. Or when I'm working out. That's always nice, until it ends and I have to go to class all sweaty. I feel sorry for the people that have to sit by me after that!