so I am going to write this stream of consciousness thing for psychology and Im worried that someone will come in and think that Im retarded because I live at home because my parents won't let me go. If they read this they will get very angry with me for feeling this way but I don't understand why they even still try to control the way I feel. I don't really know what to say but I guess that's the whole point of this assignment. Which is not of what I say, but what I think. I hope this typing isn't too bad. Maybe I'll go back later and reedit it but I'll probably get embarrassed or ashamed of how I am. That's weird that I get embarrassed of myself. Maybe I think too much and am hypersensitive or maybe this class will help me understand myself. I was thinking about something that the teacher said earlier about everyone suspecting that they are crazy or abnormal as he put it and that's probably right because I always ask myself and others I trust which are few what is wrong with me. I know that there is something or maybe it's all in my head. I know that if I wanted to I could convince myself that my dad just walked in and yelled at me for shutting the door. What was I saying maybe I should not be at home writing this someone always comes in and opens the door or reads whatever Im doing. I hate this. not this, just my situation. I'll bet I sound pretty negative right now. I suppose it's because of school and my relatives all dying and my family but everyone's got problems right? I wish that I could talk to a counselor. I don't want to think about myself and try not to thing right now about that. I don't want them to see me cry and come in and yell at me or ask me what's wrong and tell me what to do about it. They don't understand. my being unhappy doesn't help them it just makes them mad at me. why am I so unhappy. why am I writing about this because in class it was said not to write about this stuff. I guess you won't read this like you said until a while from now anyway who knows maybe Ill be better by then. Maybe Ill have friends, but my family will still be here. I used to  wish they died but then I thought Id feel bad if they did. Everyone is dying. As my mother says, it's not normal to be happy all of the time, but of course she married my dad who is the cause of the problem so she is right about herself, but not me. why when I was a child, was I happy more than now. I didn't experience my father as harshly then as I do now. how would she know anyway, she married him when  she was 18 my age. just a kid who didn't know anything made to be a servant to him. wish  I don't even know what I want anymore. I wonder what school will be like tomorrow. what will I become in life does everyone feel like me. they certainly don't show it very much . I walk the halls and it's all so big and impersonal maybe its because Im younger a freshman or Im not looking at it the right way. I think that I'm too negative the phone just rang once. I wonder who it is. It's not for me because I don't know anyone I miss high school, that's weird when I was in classes I hated it. I guess I miss my friends. I wonder what he's doing now. I cant think about that it'll only make me worse. Why do I feel this way. I wish I could control my emotions like others and look serious and normal, not afraid. why am I afraid. I  bet you'll think that Im weird. I don't even care anymore. Why can't they leave me alone. Those psychological tests scared me. It was . like either write a five page paper or do tests. Obviously the kid would rather do tests than do a billion page essay. but who know maybe it will be fun. I just got a call  weird my only friend but I told my sister that I had to go and to tell them bye. Even when I have a friend I can't talk. I just wish that I who is singing. there's no privacy in the house. I wish that I lived in a dorm you shut the door and it makes them want to come in but when you open the door they feel like they can just come in and talk to you. if I shut the door they get curious like that time my dad thought that I was taking drugs in my room what a  jerk. why can't he trust me maybe I am bad I have done nothing that I regret but I guess I should reap what I sow. I hate consequences. who is that . I wish they'd just shut up. why can't UT give scholarships to live in dorms to middle class students theyre so stingy about that now I suffer at home alone traveling to freedom at school alone. I want to have friends but am afraid what if someone walks in and read this. I wish I could shut the door but that would disturb me and my stream of conscious like everyone already has. Who is talking. I don't know why they're all worried I think I need more attention but I don't know how to get it what is wrong with me what is she doing. I  wish theyd all leave. it's nine and I have to wake up early how much longer. I actually enjoy this it's like purging all of the negativity which I have alot of. This is a good idea. I kind of wish I could read other kids stream of conscious to see what theyre like. if they had the same thoughts and feelings that I did. I don't want to revise it you said it would be completion anyway so I don't have to revise. I want to sleep and forget everything all happened for a few hours of nothingness. then start over tomorrow and feel again. People would be so much better off if they didn't feel at all Less war and no jealousy. I hate love and emotions they only hurt you. and others involved. I have a minute left and just in time because my  dad might come in and get mad at me for staying up too late. theyre is never enough time to do anything Why am I negative. I  wish I knew what I wanted. what else do I say or think I start work tomorrow. I wonder if I can handle it or not. what if I fall why do I worry so much I wish I didn't worry. then Id be fine. who is behind me I hope I meet people tomorrow. I want to get all of my work done so that I can work but it keeps piling up will I ever finish do I have the time I hate being overwhelmed high school was so easy. they didn't prepare me at all. it's too hot. why do I complain all of the time I hope that I am doing this right it's not a grade but it might be. who is that behind me. no matter if I shut this door they open it no privacy no body cares they do but they don't show. that's dumb. What do I say next where are the keys for tomorrow I have to get ready what time is it. that's my timer cool I wish I weren't so tired bye