I think about my mother, my ex-boyfriend in Houston(of whom I'm still in love with) and just things that are going on in my life right now. All of the stressed of being on my own and all this is just really overwhelming. And for some reason during all of this I listen to the most depressing Tori Amos or Sarah McLachlan song. After a good cry I always feel better, I think it's healthy to cry though. I think it's good to deal with things rather than to create something to do and keep yourself busy. Dealing with things, for me, is the best way to get over them. But sometimes I tend to obsess over things rather than just simply dealing with them straight out. I seem to have reverted back to my pre-teen years when I would cry myself to sleep because my mother was no longer with me. My parents got divorced at that time, about when I was 11 years old or so. I remember every night listening to sad music and just crying because I missed her. She and I have one of the best relationships I've ever seen between parent and child. She is my friend not just my mother. But I don't cross boundaries, I respect them wholly and recognize them way in advance. I think some people take advantage of when they are friends with their parental unit, use it to their advantage, I just respect it and cherish it with all my heart. I quote Sarah McLachlan, "And I have the sense, to recognize, that I don't know how to let you go. "  I think that line has described my relationship with my boyfriend for the past year. We've broken up twice but we always seem to end up in each other's lives at some point or another. I guess it's a good thing, he's a wonderful person and a great person for me. But I just don't know if I can do this (be in love with him have a relationship, what have you) with him being in Houston and me here in Austin. I don't know if I want him calling me telling me how much he misses me, and telling me he loves me when he's two hours away. I guess it's not that much of a distance compared to other people's long distance relationships, but I think it takes a certain type of person to be in one of those. I certainly know they're not for me. And from his past experiences with them, all bad, I know he's not too keen on the idea either. I miss him terribly, touching him, smelling him, his humor, his voice, everything. E-mail and phone conversations don't suffice. I just got a new laptop and I wrote my friend this huge letter with like six big paragraphs and I hit this button on accident and it deleted the whole thing. UGH!  I hate this thing, but I really don't I like having it to take to the library. I just need to learn how to do everything and what not to do. I'm not into reading these huge dictionary size manuals on things. They just don't interest me that much. I'm much more of a trial and error person. Except when it comes to math basically because I don't want to sit there for hours trying to figure something out. I want a formula there for in my face. We're doing these circuit things in that class that is all trial and error right now. It's a total bitch. I made three really cool friends in that class. One of my friends Tim I saw at a club the other weekend and remember him from the hallway in which we were both lost together. I wish he were cuter, he's a really nice guy. And I made these two other friends Tracie(same name as my best friend) and Stephanie. They're both really cute, and Tracie seems like she'd be a lot of fun to go out and party with. She was telling me about her cousin's friend who's gay and just moved to new York to go into fashion. Imagine that. but I would love to go to New York. Especially after seeing that movie A Perfect Murder , I mean I know not everyone there has a huge penthouse on Central Park but I would love to just go visit it. I love the whole image of it, it's just very chic for some reason. I would live there if I could get a very high paying position somewhere, but that's the only way I would. it's just too crowded otherwise.