I am an architecture major. Therefore I do not sleep. Last night I was able to sleep simple because I couldn't go any longer without closing my eyes. I wish that I had the choice to fall asleep and wake up at will. That time would simply stop when my head hit the pillow (or drafting table) so that I wouldn't lose any work time. If this were so, life would be much easier. Without taking time out of my life to shower, eat or sleep I could get everything done. What is the true purpose of bathing anyway? I mean, I do it for the simple fact that I'm told by society that it's necessary for me to be accepted by the general populous. But, in all reality, if we didn't shower none of us would know the difference. I think that's my main complaint about the world in which we live. There is too much US. Why can't it just be I, sometimes? Rather than worry constantly about what Sarah might wear or what Jessica might do with her hair, why can't we just live and experience and BE without the everpresent pressure of impression and attitude. When, I'm inclined to wonder, did everyone begin to care so much about TRYING so damn hard to lose their own individuality. What's the most disgusting, I believe, is that there are those out there who try so hard to find their own that, eventually, even THAT catches on, and then, once again, they become part of a click or group. Here in lies my love and passion for architecture. But, it will also be my crutch, and possibly my ultimate failure. With it I can create and design and people will experience what I'm feeling and they won't be able to say, "Wow, that's cool, why don't I do that," without enlisting my services. (In a perfect world) They will, however, be able to say "Wow, that's cool (or awful as the case may be) I want to be in this space. " On the opposite note, however, the only way I'll be able to express myself through my work will be to appeal to the masses or at least a mass large enough to want to pay me to build my building. So, in order for me to survive and be able to be different and interesting, I will have to find a group of people that are on the same wavelength as I am, which is essentially what I'm trying to avoid. It's a Catch22 and there's no way around it. I suppose I could step to the side and be a Howard Roark of the world and live day by day surviving off the few people who may honor my integrity and desire for design, but, just like everyone else, I crave human contact and acceptance. I am too afraid of myself to be myself. I am too afraid to find out that I don't know what I am or to realize that everything I thought was, I'm really the opposite of and have only been playing a game my entire life, just trying to make an impression. I am so scared that I really am a failure, but somehow I've been lucky. Somehow, I pulled off those SAT's and I pulled off those straight A's, but as soon as I find out who I really am, I'll fall off of this full speed train toward success and end up in a field somewhere surrounded by no one. I don't even want to be successful anymore. I don't even want to be anymore. I just want to experience. I just want to know and think without the pressure of success or failure. I'm not sure what we're all trying for, but I do know that whatever it is, can wait until we've died.