First of I would like to clear something up. Yes you did pay for Bally's but for the money you paid I wore Walamrt and Target clothes and Payless Shoes. I also hardly think that the $30 a month you paid for me equates to the Hundreds you pay for Andrew. Second I paid for that Fronce trip myself and then paid my self back at S&S. In no way did you go into debt in anyway on my behalf. I did earn a lot of money this summer. I spent very little of it and saved most of it - so YOU wouldn't have to pay for stuff in college. I don't think having a car is a sign of love- I think it is a sign of favoritism. That's what makes me cry and get really upset. The two main reason's Andrew got a car was not that he has a job (that's why he's keepiong it) but because he's a male and Dad obviously identifies with him more. Nevermind that I try to save money, do well in school, or generally try to make life easy for you. I guess maybe if I act like an obnoixious bastard, and think only of myself, and step over every one I could get a little appreciation in this family. Having a car here is imparactical and honestly, I don't know what y'all can do to make me feel any better about that car thing. The damamge is done. My whole life I felt loved and I'm not saying I don't fell it now but the car thing and then you trying to play it off as acceptable was a big blow. I was very upset. Not that I didn't mean what I wrote, but I could of said it in a kinder way. I had a really long talk about it with Will and he made me feel a little better about it- the car thing. The reason I get so upset is not because I want a car (it's impractical here) it's that it symbolizes something. Logically I know it means nothing, but I still hurt when I think about it. I'm really confused. I think I get emotional about it because I think it's so unfair, I can't do anything about it, and I get so mad I cry. Another thing I have observed is I can't talk to dad about it. I don't know why I feel it necessary to "protect him" from me being sad about something he had a large part in. I guess it's the same logic that made me not ask more than twice for a car myself- he always looked really sad that "he couldn't afford it" I can't even really talk about it with you; I have to write about it. I guess it's because we've communicated through notes for as long as I can remember. Maybe I get sad about it because I don't understand why I feel this way and no one understands my feelings. I really meant it when I said I didn't know what could return me to the way I felt before the incident. And all the while I'm thinking what a ridiculous reaction to a car. I was upset about it at home, but here there's a lot of time to think. Here, no one LOVES me. sure maybe as a friend but not the same kind of love that I was SURE of at home. The car thing left me a tiny bit less sure of that love so that's why I'm upset about it. I KNOW that objects don't measure love. It's just that you don't do such an unjust thing to someone you love- give a hugely expensive, and a sign of higher status to someone younger and less considerate. I guess it's really the injustice that hurts me. This letter itself is really ironic in some way. I write to soften the blow to your feelings when you obviously didn't think of my feelings at all -and here I am up at midnight worrying about yours. well I'm going to bed now, I've got school and work tomorrow.