Well, my mother has just gone back to India ten minutes back, and frankly I am not all too sad about that, or not as yet atleast. All these days there were a lot of things I could not join in because I felt obliged to spend time with her and honestly I enjoyed myself. What made me most uncomfortable was the thought of what others would think. Would I be able to be a part of a group?    I have never really been one to mingle in a crowd. I suffer from what I call the " wall paper syndrome". I feel like the audience to a television program where everyone is settled in their roles. I might have just been flung inside and there I am trying to fit in, wanting to fit in but getting so so intimidated!   Everyone here seems so confident of what they are doing and saying and whats worse is that they are probably doing the right things, though who decides what is RIGHT and WRONG I am yet to discover. I come from a different culture and background. I have always excelled in academics but here I find myself doubting my ability. Will I be able to cope with the new system? Will I ever belong?   There seems to be a yearning to be accepted and appreciated, that I am terrified that revealing my true self, which I am not too sure about, might mess up all my chances. Every one seems to be better than me, be it in terms of making friends, getting adjusted or simply being themselves. I feel that every second person is laughing at me. I feel so lonely inn this huge university. This is the worse feeling to have, feeling alone in a crowd!   They say that everyone feels the same way in the beginning. But do I believe that? Obviously not! Here I sit in RLM writing frantically about my nervous self and everyone around me is reading either their reference books or a newspaper, no matter what they do, they seem to be at peace with themselves. that is what I am hoping that sooner ar later (sooner if it were up to me) I will achieve. I came here to let my self lose. To undo the shackles that had bound me to a not too pleasant past when it came to self esteem. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to be the person that lives in my dreams. Again am I trying to be someone that I am not? I know that it is not in me to go up to a stranger and start of a conversation. I stop after " Austin is so hot"! Is it wrong? Does that make me in any way lesser than the rest? Rationally speaking obviously not. that is the kind of person I am. But everyone I seem to come across is so extroverted. I know that there is no such thing as right person or wrong person but feeling seem to surpass reason at this point. is it because I grew up with asister who was always popular because of her looks and her gift of the gab. Who had all the night life I never had, and said I never wanted. Is it because of the mother I had. Always the center of attention because of her looks and her brilliance, because of her great achievements and ideals. I don't think it fair to push the buck on to someone else. I must learn to take responsibility for myself.  It is so strange. I always wanted to come down here. It was the perfect picture. I was going to start afresh. This was going to be the birth of a new self. What happened? Am I giving up all too soon? Am I alone in feeling this way? Will this small fish find her way in the large ocean? Will someone notice the wallpaper? Will I be able to come out of this a surer person? WILL I BE ABLE TO FIND MYSELF, FOR BETTER OR FOR FOR WORSE, IN THIS CONTINUOUS FIGHT TO FIND MY PLACE IN THIS PUZZLE. (that is assuming that I have a place!)