Well today I can't believe I got on the wrong bus. I felt like such a nerd, but oh well I guess everyone has to learn somehow and every one makes mistakes. I can't believe how nice it felt outside today as compared to how hot outside it was yesterday. I am so hungry, I really wish they would have broccoli cheese soup for dinner but I know they won't. I guess I will just have a salad again. Even though I eat salad almost everyday I still cannot lose the 5 pounds I gained over the summer. Its not like anyone can tell but in the back of my mind I just know that I look so much bigger than I used to. When doing the pretesting earlier this week I couldn't believe all the questions they asked about eating. I can't believe that people actually can do that to their bodies. I am thankful that I do not have to worry about my body in that sense. I wonder what my boyfriend is doing right now. He lives in Vegas and it is so hard being away from him. I can't believe I have loved him for 5 months. I am so scared that he will stop loving me and all of a sudden realize that he can do so much better and leave me. If I had to see him at tournaments and he had a new girlfriend I don't know what I would do. He means so much to me but no matter how many times he tells me that he loves me and that he misses me I never believe him. He gets mad that I don't trust him but he should blame that on my ex-boyfriend not me. Oh well I guess if it is meant to be than it will be. I am listening to the saddest song called Butterfly Kisses, about a father and daughter. I have missed my dad and dogs the most since I have been gone. My dad is one of my best friends and he always knows exactly what to do. He is the only reason I want to do well in school, just to make him proud is the best feeling in the world. I wish I could tell my dad that I loved him but for some reason we never express those feelings. I know he loves me a lot because he pays for me to go to school and to fly all over the country to do taekwondo, but I wish it would be ok if I could hug him. Instead we always bow and shake hands, that's how you do in in taekwondo. He would do anything to make me happy and he even spent 100 dollars to change my flight so at fall nationals I could spend an extra day with my boyfriend. On the other hand, my mom and I do not get along so well all the time. I love her and when I was sick last weekend she came up and brought me soup and took me shopping, but I don't respect her because she can be very rude to people and when she gets mad she can be mentally abusive. It was horrible living with her when I was 13-17, by the time I was 18 I started fighting back and leaving whenever she would yell at me. My biggest fear besides dying is turning into her and yelling at my kids like she yelled at me. I don't know why my dad still loves her and how he can put up with it, it is not normal how she talks to him or me sometimes. She doesn't understand why I don't want her around my friends or my boyfriend but its because I don't want her to turn into that other person and yell at me in front of them because it really is frightening. My friend Matt just came over to distract me and prevent me from getting an A on this assignment which seems to have no real purpose, but maybe it will after I finish and turn this in.