My thoughts are so mixed up, I don't really know where to start. I have been really upset with myself lately because for the life of me, I cannot seem to focus on school at all. Not only can I not study, but just sitting in class, I find myself constantly tuning the proffessor out and thinking of irrelevant things. I hate this about myself, how i cannot stay focused on things that matter and how I dwell on insignificant things that I should not think about during this time, mainly my relationships with guys. I always fall for the ones that will hurt me, and indeed they do, and even right now I am interested in someone who I know will treat me bad and will not be a good person to me but that is why i think i chase after him. It's like I am trying to get hurt by these guys. I don't ever like a guy that likes me back, i only like the ones that i know i won't have a chance with or that are rude and immature. This part of my life takes up so much of my time and it shouldnt. i should focus on things that are important. i should try to work harder in school. but i dont. and this is why i am so upset with myself. i want to be a better student so bad but i cant. i hate it. i get so easily distracted and theres nothing i can do about it, i never used to be like this its just recently this has happened. no matter what, i don't try to work. im just lazy and always tired, never wanting to do anything that involves much activity. but this is probably one of the only things i really get mad at myself about, besides the whole thing with guys. even my friends tell me to stay away from them, but i just cant. SEE, there i go again, off track and thinking of stuff i shouldnt be. i guess i expected college to be different. i expected everyone to be so mature and not act like they did in high school, but honestly, nothing has changed. you still get screwed over by the same people and get in fights. yeah, its nice to have independence, but i had it at home to an extent, too. i feel like now when i go home everything is different since i don't live there anymore, like i don't fit in there and like everything everyone does bothers me because i am no longer used to it. i want to be happier with myself, i really think i am a great person who has so much to offer to the world, but i block that out often and just concentrate on the negativities in my life. why? i don't know! i always have done that, i always some how find drama to dwell on for no reason! it sucks! so im going to concentrate on some of the better things going on. friends--my friends are awesome, i love them to death, it was really hard for me to part with them but ill stay close to them, i know i will, i have to. family- i have the best family ever. they care for me so much its crazy. the love i have for them could never be measured in any way. im sitting in my dorm room which is supposed to have 4 people since it is a suite but i am alone. here its like you have to fend for yourself and no one is really there for you always like it was at home. once again, as i sit here, inside i am yelling at myself because i am thinking of all the work that i need to be doing for school. why do i punish myself like this? why don't i just DO the work and then feel good? i wish i knew how. i need motivation, something that tells me to go for it because in the end it will be all worth it when i am an optometrist and i can help people with their ailments. that day seems like it is going to be soooooo far away, 8 years!! aaah!! i feel like im running short on things to say, my head is all jumbled up with thoughts of calculus, chemistry, and boys. if i could just get that last subject to leave me alone how much easier this would be!! i worry about everything, about how the heck im going to get all my work done and do well in my classes, about my family, about my friends, about everything. its hard for me to trust people once they have broken my trust, and i worry about trusting people here because so many of them are so fake. i never know whats going on with them and how genuine they really are. but then theres God, my light, my soul, my heart. God gets me through it, God loves me, and I love God. Thank You. I'm sure this sounds like a jumble of the most random stuff, but this is how i think inside. its all mixed up and thats how i feel so often, all mixed up.