I just set my alarm on the cell phone because I didn't want to over write or something. I'm listening to Fiona Apple's song. It's called Across the Universe, I think. I don't know if I was supposed to put quotations around the title of the song. Yes, I'm sure that's what I was supposed to do. This writing assignment is kind of weird cause I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing about and sometimes this freedom makes me kind of weird on the subject. Too much freedom isn't always comfortable, I guess. I can't stop thinking about how bad I feel that I didn't go to my philosophy class on Tuesday. It's not because the professor sucks. Or at least I don't think it is cause I know he does kind of not get the point across. He's too vague. too much vagueness and too much freedom. Both are not good especially if you want structure. I need structure in my life. I do because sometimes I think that I know what I'm doing and what I want to do but it just doesn't work out that way and I think it's because I just want things to be scheduled or I can't get them done. I don't' know how to structure my life, though. This song makes me so depressed even though I like it a lot. I don't know what to write about. I don't know if I'm supposed to continuously type, without stopping, or if I can stop to think about what I want to write about but not get away from the computer. I feel like my writing isn't quality writing here, but I guess that's the point of writing this. I've been writing for four minutes. I know. I stopped to look at the clock. I want to talk to my boyfriend. We got into a fight today because he was upset that I didn't call him and went over to a friend's dorm room. I know that's not what he's upset about though. I know it's because this friend of mine is a guy. I hate that he's so jealous like that. I mean, I don't mind if he wants to show me that he cares, but getting upset with me and hanging up with me like that, I just don't like. Especially embarrassing me in front of my friend. I've known my friend, Jonathan, longer than I have been with my boyfriend. I don't' know. I guess my boyfriend is just paranoid. I love him a lot though. I just wish we had what we had in the beginning of our relationship: blind love and trust. I don't know. I guess that once you go out with someone for so long, things just fly away and you're left with what you always thought you weren't going to do and be and say and feel. I understand why some women cry about their husbands beating them but yet they don't leave. It's called love with a condition. She loves him because she's been with him for so long. I'm thinking that maybe if I didn't type so fast, I wouldn't end up with too much for this writing assignment. First of all, I think this is the coolest writing assignment. Not only because we have this freedom, which I think can get a little demanding. I think it's neat because we can write what we think. It isn't an essay on the revolution of blah blah. It's what I feel and think and want to say, which is always nice, especially in writing. I'm used to doing this though I guess cause I write in my journal often. I never type though, so I guess I'm getting more said. And believe it or not, I always worry about space on my journal. Like, I worry that I'll "waste" too many spaces on only one entry. I think I'm so weird. I guess I do kind of like to keep things in order and not waste too much. I am like that in many ways I guess. But I'm also guessing it's a better trait to have than not. I don't know. My computer is making funny noises. I hate my computer cause I paid close to two thousand dollars for it and it doesn't even shut down properly. Plus, stupid Dell won't help me any. I write them and tell them of my technical problem and they just reply to my emails with dumb strategies that don't even work. I've already tried a million times. It makes me want to not fix it at all and just shut it down with the power surge adaptor under my desk. I miss home. I wish I could go home and be with my mom and not worry about money or food or weight. I'm gaining so much weight. I lost about ten pounds my senior year and everybody was complaining that I looked anorexic. Now that I'm in Austin, I've already gained those ten back and I'm scared that now I'll turn into too big of a girl, that ill be that girl, the bigger one than all the other girls. I was only maybe 110 pounds but because all of my friends weighed 90, I looked bigger. Maybe that's why they never wanted to go out with me. I don't know. Maybe it's cause I'm Korean, I don't look like most of the people where I'm from. The Rio Grande valley: either you're Mexican or some type of Mexican. Even the general white population was considered a minority there. Anyway but yeah I used to be cheerleader/student council president and all other kinds of stuff in junior high and I got to high school and cheerleading sucked because I was a freshman and everything else sucked. All my friends turned into druggies. About half of them went to rehab. I feel bad for them. But then again. I don't know. They're here at UT with me. Well, most of them. Does that mean I'm almost equivalent to a druggie? I've never done any drug besides drinking and smoking cigarettes and even that I don't do often. I wish I could find answers to some stupid questions that are so insignificant. Whatever. All I know is that I want my future to bright and successful. I actually want to write. I want to sit and write my poems and my thoughts and write a book, but I know that won't ever be possible. I wouldn't' be able to do it as my job, my career. I know I need food to eat and money to pay bills with and writing books, especially when you're barely starting off, won't get you too much on the table and in your pockets. I don't know. I wish I had the patience to go through medical school but I don't think I could, and besides, I suck at sciences. I would never be able to go through all those damn chemistry and biology classes. I would die. I really would. Why would I want to shoot so high for a career that will only bog me down with way too many hours? Actually, the guy I was talking about before, Jonathan, he has an uncle who is a doctor and he's so rich and makes his own hours, basically. He's working in the ER right now because he likes to travel, and ER doctors can usually go work at whatever hospital. I'm so tired. My shoulders hurt. My boyfriend is coming tomorrow to see me. I'm so excited. We've been going out for two years. It's like we're both from the valley and it's like I'm going to be able to see a part of the old me, at home. I haven't seen him for two weeks, which is nothing compared to the long separation periods when I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman up at A&M. yup, he's an aggie. Funny how I got to be a longhorn. I don't even have all that pride in being one. I didn't even look into buying a sports packet to go watch the game. I wish I was back to being my peppy self like I was in junior high. Did I kill myself? Or did I let other people kill me? Did I let other people tell me I wasn't good enough? I don't know. I want it to be 9:24 so I can stop writing. My shoulders hurt and my neck hurts. I feel too pressured doing this. But yet, I like this writing assignment.