ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Today has been a very stress ful day starting with the first time I ever missed a class. Today my parents and I got in a fight and I was going to be late to class so  I decided to just not go. This caused my parents to be evenmore upset with me. Not to mention that we were already stressed about the apartment situation for next year. Isn't that retared to hav eto sign a lease in September for the following school year? You don't even know if you will get along with the people that you ahve agreed to live with for the entire year. A realty company makes everything so much more difficult. We have to pay a application fee and a security depsoit of $35 adn $480 respectivly. In the upcoming week we have to put our firsty monts rent down which is $481. It is just rediculous that we have to worry about this at this point in time. I am also extremly stressed about school. First of all I don't know what to expect coming from hogh school to college. Second of all, all the professors throw all this stuff at you st once and expect you to remeber itall. It is completly over whelming to a freshman. Third on my list, my soroity is also giving us all these dates to remember, things to sign up for, dues to pay, committments to fulfill that everything is all mumble jumble in my head. I am completely overwhelmded. Foutrh of all, I never get any sleep. I had to go home to Houston to get rest and to be able to study. Fifth -- I have not been able to fit my routine work out into my schedule yet. I am terrified about gaining the freshman fifteen. This summer I wroked so hard to lose weight, and I finally did. I will be greatly depressed if I gain it back and more!!!!  College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, but so far it has been one big stress pile up. I can;t take it. Not to mention that I am completwly homesick. I am so close to my family it is ridiculous. I miss my mom to no extent. My sister just got engaged and I feel like I am missing out on all of the party plans. I feel so far away. My dad has to be the most unselfish wise person I know. He adds so much to a converation. I miass them all so much. Everyhting brings me to tears these days if I start to think too long about it. One of the most important things in my life I forgot. My dog Jake. I miss his sweet face so much. He was such a good friend and companion. I never have any time to email my friends in London or in other colleges around the nation. I also feel like I am having a hard time opening up to my surrounding s whether it is to my girlfriends or to guys. I wish everything wasn't ALWAYS a drunken brawl. I don't mind the partying if it only were in moderation. Anyways, I think I am just having to get adjusted and that it is just taking me longer than others. everything is all so important to me:grades friends, guys, family, beliefs etc. Why can't evrything just be perfect????
Ok, so I'm sitting here wondering what I'm going to eat for dinner, even though I'm not hungry. My roommate just told me what there is at jester and she also told me that she waited to do her homework until I woke up because she didn't want the printer to wake me up. She is so sweet. She has selfesteem issues that she takes medication for and for the life of me I can't understand people like this. It's like I want to just tell them to snap out of it. It's very frustrating for me because I don't understand it. She and I talked about this issue last night before we went to sleep. I told her how I felt and we've come to an understanding. I'm starting to miss my parents. I feel very sad for my mother because I know she misses me a lot. I don't tell my mother often enough how much I love and respect her I should do this. I stood in line for an hour today for football tickets for the OU game in Dallas. I love it here but it will be nice to return to a place I am so familiar with. I hope Liz forgets about her exboyfriend Aaron. She is so cool. I am really glad we met one another. He is such a weirdo and she is so smart and independent and ambitious. I don't see how she does it. I mean, she's doing the Kvr TV station thing and Comm council and an internship at the capitol, and 14 hrs. and she just has to obtain a 4. 0 or she'll just die. Me on the other hand, I'm just trying to make it here. I'm used to doing it all. I handled everything going on in High School, but that was dealing with 300 people and easy classes that I swore were hard. I just really hope I make the novice rowing team here. I've put so much time and energy in preparation for tryouts. I work out everyday and go out of my way to get noticed. Liz just called about us going to get our meningitis shots tomorrow. I also need to get my chicken pox vaccination because I've never had them and I don't want to get them now, because I'm afraid I'll like die or something. My mother should have exposed me to them when I was a child. I just saw Julie and she wasn't very nice. I hope she's not mad at me. I have to go to the boathouse and run a lot tomorrow and I'm sitting here dreading it. But, if I make the team it will all be worth it. My roommate snores really loud at night. I plug my ears with cotton. It angers me. It's very difficult to sleep. I have so many things to do. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do what I need to get done. Austin is really hot. I hope Eddie and Lydia work things out. He loves her so much and I really want them to be together. I'm thinking about the OU game again. I am so excited to see him and my other cousin. They are big UT fans. They are so happy that I am going here. I almost feel bad, because I guess I didn't really consider it that big of a deal that I got in. Everywhere I go, people look at me in awe when I tell them I go to school here. Well, I'm going to stop writing now. It's been 20 minutes and all I can think about is all the stuff I have to do now. I have Journalism, Rhetoric and Geography homework so I'm going to get started.
It is 9:35 and I am beginning my stream of consciousness writing assignment. I have been at The University of Texas for exactly one week today. The first night I got here was probably the most alone I have ever felt. My roommate is my best friend from the town where I came from, Pearland. My other best friend was visiting us also. I'm not sure why I felt that way, I was surrounded by two of the people I feel most comfortable around. I'm sure it had to do with being in a different town, sleeping in a different bed, etc. I'm sure I'll learn all about that in this class. I didn't realize I would miss my parents as much as I miss them. I'm an only child and I never really considered myself that close to them. Actually, I am very close to my mom about certain things. As I've gotten older sometimes she just feels like one of my friends. At any rate I really miss them. They didn't call that whole weekend, and I realize it was because my mom didn't want to bother me, but it kind of hurt my feelings. So, I called them. This is really going to help out my typing I can tell it's getting faster. It's 9:46 now. I think when I get through with this I'm going to go to my other friends from Pearland's room and watch a movie or something. It's so easy to not mean new people when you already have friends. There's about 25 people from my home town here. I've met new people in my classes and everything, but these are the people I spend all of my time with. We'll see what happens in the future. Before I left Pearland I had been dating a guy who's going to Sam Houston. We weren't that serious, but now I miss him a lot. We were talking about what we were going to do and I had just assumed we would break up because we would be far away but he didn't see it like that. He had like a list of reasons we should or shouldn't stay together. At any rate, I told him I had to experience new things in college, blah, blah, blah, and we basically decided to break up. It's 9:54 but I'll keep writing a little more. I liked this guy on and off for like a year. Well, now I really kind of regret not staying together because I miss him. He came down to Pearland the Wednesday before I left and we hung out. I called him a couple days ago and he didn't sound very happy to hear from me. Okay, well now I'm rambling, I guess now I'm going to have to move on. Oh well we'll see what happens. It's 10:00. This was kind of fun.
I'm in a state of confusion. I'm in a library just staring at people as they walk through the door. I'm feeling sleepy, just sitting in front of a computer deliriously. My nose is stuffed up but I can still smell. I smell some type of perfume, not so great nor so bad. I'm feeling nervous, feeling like there is someone watching every bit of move I make. The wall is very white with few uninteresting posters, there are a lot of people but yet. so quiet. I feel like I'm dreaming, just sleep walking my way around. I feel nervous about everything that surrounds me. I sense the air full of intelligence and suffering from the people(student's) minds. As I type, I still feel nervous and confused about everything. I feel cold, mainly the lower body, it feels as if I am in a water full of ice. It's somewhat painful and somewhat a numb feeling. I suddenly start to notice the sounds of people clicking the mouse on the computer and I hear myself type as I stroke the keyboard with force and precision. I see a lot of books, mostly thick covered: don't know what they are used for though. The desk is filthy as if it had never been cleaned, it's full of dusts and paper wads. I feel lonely simply because I'm sitting alone but then again everyone else is sitting by themselves. I see  a person staring at a book calmly as he stretches. Everything around this place seems strange even myself. It seems as if everyone is just here to kill time. They are just here to amuse themselves. Perhaps I'm talking about myself.
I'm pretty happy with my first week and a half of classes. I've met a lot of people. It means a lot to me. I am a very quiet, sort of shy person. I was afraid of coming to UT because I'm not the best at making friends. So far though, it hasn't been a problem. My big classes have been a little intimidating because of there size. I used to have classes about 30 or less. Right now I am happy, UT won its first football game. I'm glad I was able to go. It was lots of fun. Now I feel a little exhausted. I haven't really done all that much today. I actually got to sleep for 12 hours last night. I could be exhausted because I am hungry. I think I'm pretty lucky. My parents sent me some food. My brother brought it to Austin. He and I will share it. I'm already starting to miss home-cooked meals. I think my 20 minutes are just about up. I probably fix a bite to eat, watch a little T. V. and go to sleep.
Wrecks. They are the worst things ever. I can't believe princess Diana died  yesterday. It shows that anyone can die at any moment. Of all people, a  princess, a mother, an internationally known woman, a philanthropical figure  in this world. It's sad. Yesterday I was running down the street to pick up  an anklet for a friend and I saw a wreck happen. it is scary. luckily no one  was hurt but it could've been alot worse. The anklet was awesome though. I  kind of wish that the one I bought was like hers but thats okay because I got  an even better one later on in the day. I had to sit for almost an hour to  wait for the police to come because I witnessed that stupid wreck. and then  they didn't show so I just gave the girl my name and phone number and then I  left. I have better things to do, like eat. The food here really isn't that  bad. I haven't been eating from much of a variety though. Everyday I eat  from a choice of about four meals. I can live like that though. My roommate  is really starting to bother me. I should have known this would happen , but  everyone always thinks "that will never happen to me". Just like getting in  a car wreck, getting pregnant, or getting a disease like aids or something. I hope I never get any of those things. I don't know what I would do. I'd  feel like such a failure. It does happen to so many people though. And  everyone deals with it in a different way. to each his own. And everything is  just fine to me just now. no need for me to change my life,  I have my friends , my boy, my studies, my sorority, and my own life here in college. Being away  from the parents is such an amazing feeling. just the fact that we are proving  to ourselves that we can do it on our own. feed ourselves, discipline  ourselves, control ourselves, wash our laundry and all that stuff. Im doing  okay. but I know for a fact that not everyone has been handling themselves as  well as I have. I am me and I am okay.
Ouch, that hurts. Damn, damn, damn. I really don't care much for playing Doogie Howser as a homework assignment. My understanding is that I get to talk about anything I feel like. Well, today I feel like talking about the absence of love. I've never, and I never will. I know this because I know myself; I've been acquainted with myself for the past 18 years. But, you know what?  Love doesn't come easily to someone who's never been given the chance to cry over another. And disappointment rides high among those who look toward the intangible as an archetype. And perhaps, love may not be recognized by one who stages the downfalls and disappointments by crowning the archetype. And what becomes of these kings?  They assure an even greater upset. My hell!  Who knew they'd turn out to be. human-of all things?  They've been raised by nourishing mothers who want to keep the cycle from breaking down. It's a revenge thing. What's revenge if our elders can't play?  And don't think the players of the game don't know. They all do. In fact, they're the unpolished beads hung through a thin thread patiently awaiting the cut that shatters all they hold. The dirty bastards don't mean it on the surface, but somewhere inside, not too deep, they feed off of this perverse pleasure. These prowling demons inside sense it. They know it and follow it by every word that falls from your mouth. They know it by every action pouring out of your senseless heart. But, wait, hold on. There is a simple solution to this problem. Find that beating cacophony that wakes you in the midst of terror, and do the smart thing all women should have accomplished by the age of 10. Rip it out, spit on it, and flush it down that damn toilet. Praise God for victory!  No more heartbreaks, no more suicidal tendencies (so I've heard), no more anything. Anything. Anything. I guess, I wouldn't know. Coming from one who's never been within a foot of love, it may seem an improper thing to do. But for those who have ridden on this vanishing wave, I'm sure the former action seems more than appropriate. However, and oh, I apologize so profusely for changing the tone so quickly-it loses audience, but I do have other things to do. um, however, if this route of throwing the heart is chosen, don't forget to wave goodbye to the emotions which allow one to cry, laugh, or even, yes, of all things-the sole feeling which gives you a natural high for days, the sole feeling that allows you to run around the world three times blindfolded on one leg without any replenishing substances-the feeling of love. Go ahead. Hypocrite would be a swell characteristic for this girl. But, must I ask, what is it that consumes two people who are in love?  The look in their eyes, the energy radiating through their bodies?  What is it that makes them. beautiful?  All of the time. I've never felt a consistent beautiful for longer than two days. consecutively. My dear, patient friend, that's exactly how I know it must be this emotion that I've never felt. It must be love. That emotion not specifically defined by anyone.
I really miss my home town, but only because I'm not comfortable in my new surroundings. my friends seem short- lived and artificial, and my classes seem all too real and incredibly healthy. I'm constantly worrying that I'll fail and I seem to be hanging out with my thoughts too much, sometimes I feel they are a bad influence on me. I'm only happy when I'm doing something, and people tell me it's because I don't like to deal with my problems. it's true, but at this time I don't care. I have a hard time concentrating, sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I probably don't , but I like to think I do. they call that a hypochondriac right? I have a question: does  believing you are a hypochondriac mean that you are suffering from something else? I hope so, petty mental problems are better that physical problems.
Right now I am tired and I am thinking about going to bed. I imagine what my classes will be like in thew morning and that I have to get up at 9:40 to be  ready on time for my Astronomy class. I think if I have any home work or stuff  that I have to have done for class. I then think of my next class which is Psychology. I think if I have any preparation I need to do for that class. I then think about what I'm gonna eat for breakfast and then for lunch. I then think that I need to go to the Microcenter  to get the software I need for my business classes. I am disrupted by one of my friends who call me on ICQ. I talk to him for a few minutes and then get back to writing. I then immediately receive a phone call  and I talk on the phone for about 5 min. Then I begin to worry how long I've been typing for and I try to remember when I started. I feel that it is time to go to bed so I decide to submit  the assignment.
It's late and the fan is on it keeps spratically blowing on my arm. My arm is getting kind of cold. I have been reading for about an hour now and my eyes are kind of lazy. I have some catching up to do on my homework and i need to go get a book tomorrow, the one i got online was the wrong one. today was a long day, i'm glad it's over. three classes and a long work-out session. i like it though, the working out, it make me feel. . . good. i like to feel good. tomorrow is going to be an easy day. ony one class. my nails look bad i sure need a manicure. the fan is really relaxing with the blowing and the hum sound it makes. there is no other noise, usually there is a radio playing but not tonight, homework was the important thing. i want to do several things this week, attend some meetings for soccer and for this business fraternity that i want to be in. i think it will be fun to be involved with the school. i sure wish i could find some information on the football or baseball spirit groups. thats really what i want to do. i love watching ut play no matter what sport. i was athletic in high school i wish i would have listened to my dad when he said   you should practice, you could get a scholarship   i could have, the demand for girl golfers is pretty high. i didn't listen oh well can't cry over spilt milk. i miss my parents, i know they miss me. my mom calls alot but im glad she calls me because i would fell kind of foolish is i always called home. you know, everytime i visit i get teary eyed. i know that sounds stupid but its getting better though. i love this school though, the only school i ever wanted to go to. been a fan forever. everyone else in my family is an aggie. i will be the first longhorn in family history. pretty cool i think. i wish i could do more with my room. its too small and my closet. man i have no words for that. but i like it here, its close to school and everything else for that matter. the walking across campus kind of sucks but thats ok because its ut campus, that makes all the difference in the world. i can't believe i got into the business school. i still remember finding out like it was yesterday. i was completely speachless. literaly i had to go outside, it was one of the most liberating and self gratifying moments of my life. i am smiling right now. i have alot of pictures of my friends in my room, i miss them too. mainly my best friend kristi, she is getting married in november and i hate that i am not there to help her out with all the wedding stuff, she calls and i always do what i can while i am at home but its not the same. we were neighbors you know. for the better part of out childhood. i am usually not this depressing sounding. i guess its the long day and all the prior homework setting the mood. my arms are starting to hurt because i am typing with my comp on a stool by my bed, sitting on the edge. its a strange position but i havent yet got me a desk. . like i said the room is small and well my comp desk was big. well good night.
so, what am I suppose to write about? I guess just anything huh. well , there are too much things for me to do this week, so many things. I have voluntary works to do, lots of school works are due by the end of the week, still lots of meetings for organizations and clubs. Also I have to work too. that takes up a lot of time, it seems like everytime there's a meeting they are all bunched together on Tue and Weds, which I can never attend because of work. Sometimes I really wonder if work is really that important that I have to make it all the time, it seems like no one really cares if you do show up or not, you just clock in and find something to do. I don't even have a real job to do yet, I've been doing a lot of different stuff, just wherever they need me. I don't even think the people there knows me at all. I'm pretty new so I guess after a while they will know me. I thought about just skipping work a couple times , but I think I better not. but after I show up to work , there's really nothing to do. they could handle the stuff without me, so then I feel like I should have just skipped work. I forot what time I started writing, I wonder how do they know how long I've been writing. oh , I just got something cool from my ra, and a call for me to go shopping and meet people, cool, so I guess I have to go even though I haven't been writing for twenty minutes, but this thing is pretty long already so I guess it won't matter that much. well, the more I look at it , it seems kinda short! well but I really have to go, what should I do??? YIkes, well I wonder if I can come back later and continue to write , but I don't think that's possible because that just voids the purpose of stream of con. for 20 minutes huh. but I really have to go. so I guess I'll cheat this time. but I'll write longer on the next assignment to make it up I guess.