I just ate at Miltos with my dad. Why is it that I feel like crying everytime I see him but I could care less about seeing my mom?  I guess I've always been a daddy's girl. I am waiting for my roommate, she's kind of helpless. Actually shes extremely helpless. I try to be understanding but shes clueless sometimes. Like hooking her computer up, maybe since my dad works for IBM I have an advantage over other computer-illiterate people but really- red cord matches with red slot, green with green, etc. I feel like I have to take her everywhere with me. For instance, the reason I am waiting on her is because I'm going to my boyfriends house and she wants to come with me. I wouldn't mind except that I don't get to see Ian (boyfriend) very often and when I do she wants to come with me. I feel bad for her, I mean in that she has no car to get around and I do but still I guess I am selfish like that. I am desperate to know why I sometimes want to shot Ian- part of me loves him deeply and the other part wants to shake some sense into him. I guess I should just listen to my brother when he tells me Ian's not the one and I shouldn't stress over it. I know Ian's not Mr. Right but he sure is Mr. Right Now and thats fun too!  He's just super inconsiderate. We went to the same high school outside of Austin at Lake Travis, its a 30 minute drive and he NEVER comes to see me, I always have to go see him. Thats not to say he doesnt tell me hes going to come out. He always says   sure baby I'll come see you tonight   but never follows through. I don't like dating Ian that much I am just paranoid of being alone I guess. (plus TA in psychology class is kind of cute. )  I HATE the singles scene. I wonder why that is, I come from a stable family environment- my parents have been happily married for 20 years yet I find myself falling so hard for every guy I date!  Its pathetic. I think that I crave positive attention. See I was always the ugly duckling in middle and early high school, then out of the blue, my junior year, guys started wanting to date me, it was a total shock to me. I guess I grew into my fat cheeks. I desperately seek someone who will tell me I'm beautiful even if I'm not the perfect blonde hair, blue eyed, tan, sorority girl. I often feel as though I was born in the wrong generation. I am so into doing things for yourself and not for others, yet I care deeply about our environment and the human race. I listen to bands who were inspired by the Grateful Dead, and the only time I truly feel like I fit in is when I am at a Widespread Panic or String Cheese concert surrounded by a ton of free-spirits. Everyone is so loving and accepting at those events (partly because they are on so many drugs they don't know the difference but also because they were like me, they were the ones who got teased in middle school. It took me a long time to stop caring what other people think about me. I mean, I take care of myself, I bathe and everything, and I take pride in my own appearance yet I don't let anyone elses opinions guide my decisions. Wow stream of conciousness writing is hurting my fingers. If I get carpal tundral syndrome I know who to blame, pennebaker!  Eh I suppose if I was going to get it I would have gotten it a long time ago. I am stuffed. Really wonder if purging isnt so bad after all. Well I think I will save that for when I don't have stiches in my mouth. I just got my wisdom teeth removed. hurt like hell. Actually it hurt worse when they were growing in, the first week of college.