Right now i am simply writing and not feeling anything in particular. I am somewhat upset right now though because my throat is hurting, and this is due to the fact that i have started smoking a lot more than usual. I am a pretty sensitive person so i think that is why it hurts. who knows. I also am feeling a little unmotivated at the moment and i can't figure out why. This is the time in life when i am supposed to be super juiced to go out and get what i want, to grab life by the horns so to speak. This is not happening though, and it is kind of scary. Throughout my life i have been pretty much handed everything i have either through the mediocrity of others or through my own natural abilities, or a combination of both. It scares me to think that i have never applied myself fully to anything that i have ever done, and have still managed a somewhat successful, although underachieving, life. It makes me wonder a few things though about myself and what i have in store for the rest of my life. I don't know if i actually know how to apply myself fully to something, and if i do will i actually be able to stop and apply it to something else. This not only applies to me with work and school but also with personal relationships. Up to this point I have many friends, but very few whom i can actually call close friends. They are just there because of attrition or because i was what some people might call popular in high school. I wasn't popular because of my stunning personality though, but more of what i was;  a basketball player, an intelligent person, and somewhat goodlooking. When i got to college and found that there are hundreds if not thousands of people like this i found out that i am not at all who i thought. I don't really know who i am and who im not, and i am kind of scared to try to find out. When i finally decide what i am will i like it?  Will anyone else like me?  Will it make me happy or will i learn to hate myself because i disdain the person that i actually am. They say that you can be whoever you want but this is not true. You can TRY to be whoever you want but for some reason you cannot always be this way because there is something deep down inside of you that knows better. If i try to be a suave cool underpressure type guy, but fall down a lot, it doesn't really fit. I can want to be that way so badly, but it may never come true. If I accept that fact that i am a goofy dork will I like what that will get me. I am going out on a limb here and saying that women aren't exactly falling all over themselves for goofy dorks. At least not ones that i have met just yet. Perhaps this is just society pulling on me, and i should just accept whatever i am. The true question how do you find out who you are?  I want to know so bad that it hurts, but there is not equation to find out. You just have to go out there and do it, and I am too scared to do it. I don't want to end up like the rest of my family, just sitting around waiting, feeling sorry for myself. I feel so much safer and better though when i just stay within myself and don't wander out of my comfort zone. My guess is when you do the wandering is when you find out who you really are. I don't see the oppurtunities yet. I am still waiting and wondering, hoping. I guess if i knew how to talk to people better than it would be easier to find out who i am. When i talk to people though its like they want to get away from me as fast as they can. They look down on me and they don't even know me. I don't understand why this is, but i am afraid that it is because of   who i am  . I think i am doomed to always be this way, and it scares me. I don't want to  be this way. I am too needy for random people to want to be my acquantance, friend, what have you. I expect too much too fast and it scares people fast. People accepted it in the past because they   wanted   to be my friend because of who i was, but alas now that is not the case. So now im stuck, clutching onto the past like a has been with no real hope of ever stretching out and completing myself. Then i will be like the rest