I suppose that the first sensation that comes to mind is contentment because Janet Jackson is playing on the radio. I love Janet Jackson. A lot of times I tell people that I'm obsessed with her music, but I really don't think that is true. I exaggerate too much, I think. I guess I just want people to be impressed with what I'm saying. I don't care if they like it or not - I don't care if they like me or not. In fact, in a lot of ways, I would rather them not like me. I know that is completely abnormal. MOst people strive for acceptance or whatever. I would rather people not like me. That is, except for the few friends I have. I have about ten friends, I would say. This is fine with me. I would rather have ten friends that I know and trust than have a hundred that I barely know. I hate the concept of accquaintances. I realize that sometimes it is necessary, but it just seems plain stupid to me to call people who are really accquaintances, friends. A friend is sacred. Family is important and all. They are the people who are stuck with you no matter what, bascially. A true friend chooses to be stuck with you for the rest of time. That is sacred. Without my ten friends, I would be lost. If they decided that they didn't like me, I wouldn't know what to do. However, people I don't know - I could care less. I don't like meeting new people. I guess maybe that's because I am uncomfortable with change. New people change so many things. I realize the value in making new friends - I really do. but, I think its better to meet someone as it happens - by chance, so to speak. Consciously making an effort to go out and meet people - I think that undermines the meaning and value of friendship. If someone said to me - I'm going to go out and meet friends today, I wouldn't even know what to say. WHAT?  That is beyond the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I can only shake my head and wonder what goes on inside that person. That statement makes it sound so easy - just go out and meet friends. How simple. I feel bitter right now. I don't think I should feel bitter. It feels wrong, somehow, so now I feel guilty. I'm bitter because it has always been a strugle for me to meet people that I like that like me back. Or so I always thought. In actuality, it was always in my mind. And now that I realize that a lot of people would like me if I gave them the chance to, that scares me. Like I said, I like having only ten friends. It works for me. I can't take on having many  more friends - I would strecth myself to thin. So, one would say, just keep some close friends and the others not so close. I do that now, to some extent, with my ten friends. If I did it with more - some would become accquaintances. Like I said, I hate the concept of accquaitances. And so, it all becomes a circle. Most things are circles, though. If you can't come to a conclusion, it is probably a circle. Circles are so hard because one is constantly doubting his/herself. Should I be on this side or the other?  I suppose that one just has to make a choice, a commitment, and stick to it. Faith - such a hard thing. Especially when one has to have faith in oneself. It's so much harder that it sounds. Perhaps it is the thing that humans strive for or should strive for. I don't know. I won't even go into anything like that. The meaning of life, etc. I don't know enough for that - not even close. That's okay, I can wait.