I am feeling sad but feeling so much better. Yesterday was hopeless, today there is hope. I am realizing that I am so much more complete without my boyfriend than I was with him. Next time I will not let someone control my thoughts and actions so completely. Next time I will not let myself make excuses for someone. I have learned a lot. I feel like I want to kiss him so bad, to feel his lips on mine, to feel his skin on mine. I want him to hold me all night and tell me everything is all right. But in my heart I know it is. It is so hard to be his friend but I want to so much. He says he doesn't want to lose me. It is funny, we see each other more often now that we are just friends. And no that is not friends with benefits. There is no way I would let him take advantage of me like that. . but it would be so much fun. Then it would hurt so much. It's really not hard to be with him, I love being with him. The hard part is leaving him. Every time I do I feel like I may never see him again. He hugs me and says it will be ok, babe, I promise. I know he is right, it will. I just wish it was going to be like I thought it was going to be. I had such big plans for this fall. After waiting on him all summer, who could blame me?  He seemed so perfect for me last May. What happened?  I need to stop asking myself these questions and move on with my life, I know that. But being his friend and seeing him all the time is going to make that more difficult. I am just trying to be as sweet as possible and show that there are no hard feelings. I really am not mad at him; I just wish I could change the way he felt. Alright, that is not really true. The truth is, I wish he was a different person. I wish he was the person I imagined he was and truly believed he was all summer. Instead, I fell in love with a commitment-phobic guy who drinks to much and actually owns a rifle. I can't believe I could be so stupid. He looks so sweet and innocent. I am moving on though. Or I will be shortly. I just need to dwell for a little longer. Like I said, there is hope today. I know I am beautiful and intelligent and witty and sweet, I don't need him to tell me that. I just wish I had someone who would. I am trying so hard to be independent but I have never really had a significant other I could depend on so I guess it's not that hard. I guess I am just in love with the idea of being in love. I want to be swept off my feet. I just hope I'm not infected with that crazy disease where I can only love people who don't love me back because I want to make people love me. I really hope I don't push people away. I try so hard to be a good girlfriend but when someone doesn't call you when he says he's going to and leaves you hanging a million times, what are you supposed to do besides get upset and threaten to break up with them?  I definitely put up with his shit for way too long. I know he will be a better friend than a boyfriend. It will just be so hard if I have to see him or hear about him with someone else. Especially if that someone else happens to be his ex-girlfriend. She tried to get back together with him this summer when I was 3 hours away. What a bitch, I can't believe she would do that. I hope he isn't still in love with her. Oh well, there is nothing I could do about that anyway. Didn't I say there was hope today?  Well, there is:  for the first time in days, I actually felt hungry. It felt so good to eat and not feel like I was going to throw up. It also felt good to not burst into tears every five minutes. Yeah, there were a few times when I would have liked to, but I think I did alright today. After all it has been only a little over 24 hours since he made his decision. I am doing very well, I think. I think it is helping that he wants to be my friend. When I told him I didn't know because it would be hard, he begged me, saying,   Please try, I don't want to lose you.   I am glad he did that because I don't want to lose him either. Even if he is all wrong for me, at least he can be there as a friend for me. He says he might want a relationship with me eventually but I don't want to wait for him. I can't. It would end up making me more miserable than ever. I think I am better off just going on with my life and talking to him only as a friend. I think the more I see him the more I will realize how wrong he is for me. I need someone who will put me before his buddies and who will love me with everything he has. I need someone who is ready to make a committment to me. I need someone who will send me flowers just because he is thinking about me. I need a fairytale romance, I need to be swept off my feet, I need love, real love, crazy love. Like all the songs, all the cliches, that is what I want more than anything. And I don't even know if I believe it exists. I want to, but c'mon folks, let's be realistic. Somehow my parents still manage to love each other but there is not really much passion there, at least that I am aware of. Maybe there is, but I doubt it. If true love is more than just a friendship, that means it involves chemistry and passion, but that stuff fades, it always fades. So what is to separate a strong, passionate friendship with true love?  Fucked if I know. All I know is, things are really looking up for me now. I'm going to be just fine. :)