so what do I think about for twenty minutes. I don't really know. it's different when you actually have to think about what you're thinking about. my feet are cold. which is so weird because my room is always hot! We really need to get that fan that we talked about. I wish I was home; I was always the right temperature at home. and if I wasn't I could just change it. oh well I'll be home at the end of this week. I hope steffie is feeling better and not having too hard of a time with classes. I haven't talked to nick since I've been gone; I wonder if he even misses me. probably not so much since he just started middle school and he is making all new friends. how come I haven't made all new friends? maybe I should have gone to a smaller college. I dunno, I just wish I wasn't here. seeing javi this weekend was great, but as much as I try to tell myself that I should be happy that I at least got to see him, I can't get rid of this hollow feeling. I think I've sighed in the past two and half weeks than I have in my entire life. but honestly, what will I tell mom and dad. I know that they support me but how am I going to say that after three weeks somewhere, I'm so unhappy and I just want to be somewhere else, preferably in oklahoma. I dunno, maybe I should just wait. it has only been three weeks, and you knew that you were a shy person. but eventually you'll start making friends like at home. I just wish I wasn't sad all the time. it makes me feel like I need to talk to dad about medicine again. I'm so sad. I hate it here. I just want to go back to normal. no matter what I do, like swimming the other day with jacob and alex. that was kinda cool, but I was still only mildly entertained. and as far as studying, I've always liked it, but now I depend on it way too much to keep me busy. oh yeah, I can't forget to go by the library today and ask for a job. if I don't get that done, it'll keep bothering me until I do. hopefully they'll have openings, because that would be the ideal place for me to work, I think. haha, everyone would laugh at me though. how perfect. Christine, working in a library. whatever, it sounds cool to me. my birthday. I wonder if we're going to have time to celebrate it this weekend. I hope Lee'or doesn't mind that I didn't call her. I should have called Dee dee back so that I could wish Lee'or good luck. oh well, she was getting married; I'm sure that she was so happy that she didn't even stop to think about it. I wonder what javi's doing right now. I    'm so glad he came this weekend. it was the best feeling. but then again, would it be worth it to change schools. I mean everyone is so pessimistic about this sort of stuff. should I even listen to them? I mean everyone said just break up before you leave. long distance doesn't work, but both javi and I ere so miserable. it caused more problems then staying together will. but I know what mom and dad would say. especially dad. he wants me to do well with business so badly. he is so proud. but I don't even want to do business! but then again, I dunno what exactly I want to do. except be with javi and start having some fun with this whole college" experience that everyone raves about. so far, I'm a little disappointed. but I guess that's a little of my fault because all my motivation seems to have disappeared. except for good ol' school. at least I can judge that. I can't let them slip. my grades are what I can use to persuade my parents. that I at least tried the whole business thing, whatever. but now I'd rather do something interesting. ugh! business! yes, it's great. I got into UT business. wow! but if I can't even get excited about going to class, how am I going to get excited about getting up everyday of my life to do financial reports and stuff. oh blah! how boriiiinnngggg! how boring, how boring. but isn't that just perfect as well- I'm stuck between doing what I know is logically best and what I feel like doing. hmm, yeah, there are a lot of things on my mind. I always seemed a little stressed in high school. just trying to balance everything, but at least I had fun. I think if I were another person I probably wouldn't want to get to know me now either. despite the fact that I could get down before, I never doubted that overall, I was happy. now I just feel lonely. haha. maybe I should stop listening to coldplay. rush always said their music always makes someone sad. but I dunno, I really like the piano. and plus I have so many good memories from that one cd. I just need to listen to some more upbeat music I guess. maybe some