I'm sitting here wondering why he doesn't take a better interest in me. I'm wondering if he has started to see this girl Selena. Am I pitying myself or am I really this strange? Do I actually think that he could love me? Maybe he does, but it's been only a week and he hasn't spoken to me like he used to. I love him so much, God. Why has he changed? Or have I changed? It's been one week though! One week! My heart hurts so much, Lord. Please help me. I feel so helpless, so caught up in something that seems so ridiculous. I love him madly yet he treats me with such irreverence and formality. Then again, maybe it's all in my head, as always. That night in front of his yard. It was wonderful. His eyes. His lips. His smile. The sincerity poured from every valve. I cannot bear to think of him with someone else. I scream with pain at the very thought and I wonder why. Why does this have to happen? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who would fall in love with someone else? I can't stand this. I have to do my schoolwork tomorrow and I don't think I can concentrate. I'm dying. My brain is itching and I'm scraping at the walls to get out of something I am not even in. I hate this city. I hate it here. Why am I even here? I look outside at the night sky and see nothing. I look outside and I can't remember who I used to be. I can't remember what made me happy. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I look at the street and I can't remember the last time I smiled. It was today, I know. but not the last time I felt it. My heart feels empty. My mind is gone. My eyes are filled with tears and I cannot bear to fathom his leaving me. He is everything. There is no one else. Nor will there ever be. I miss beyond words and I cry almost every night. WHAT HAS HE DONE? WHAT HAS HE DONE? Most likely nothing. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. Maybe I'm not being practical. But it hurts. I saw them, God. I saw them together. He likes her, I can see it. I stood like a fool and watched them. I STOOD LIKE A FOOL. I'm so scared. I'm sitting here in my own selfpity crying my eyes out and wondering why. MY laundry is almost done. It's 11:42. Why, God? Can't I keep him? I miss him. I'm not happy here. I will never be happy again, I fear. Not truly happy. I am not complete without him. I'm crying loudly. I fear the neighboring people will hear. But what does it matter? What could they do? I'm hurt. Embarrassment is nothing. Love is nothing. only once. This must be it. I believe a person only falls once. madly and once. I was so wrong to believe that I was not in love with him. I was so wrong to have said and done all those things. God, help me. I will die like this. God, please help me. It hurts so much. I cannot bear to think that he could love someone else. Not after all that time. Not after everything. Why does he throw it away? Why can't he love me? Simply because I am not there? BULL! That's not true. I still love him. I cry. I miss him. I write tot him. What does he do? He comforts me with lackluster professions of love. Maybe I'm making a mistake again. I used to be so sure of everything. I used to be so sure of what he felt. Now I feel and know nothing. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of writing for this assignment. It's much too private and it's so hard to determine the stream of consciousness. It is filled with idle, petty things. with no purpose. It floats from one island of topic to another without care and without remorse. I hear screams in the other room. I wonder what is happening. Is she excited or raving? I hope she isn't hurting. Because I am and I fear I cannot take it. I won't kill myself. But I do wonder how long I can survive. I've never believed that I could live to see past 30. maybe even 25. I'm so tired. I want to go home. I didn't before but now I do. I wonder if it is because I want to lure him into staying beside me. to keep him near. tightening the leash. God, help me please. Give me some sort of sign. An epiphany. something. It hurts so much to remember. I'd rather not think about it. It's 11:48. He'll be calling in an hour. if he cares. If he wants to tell me that it's over. I'm so hollow. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this I what I get for having been so cruel and unloving. Now I love and the tables have turned. the eye has changed visions and my life has become worthless. This is what you get rings through my ears. I'm sick. I only want peace. I want a comforting arm. I want a hug. I want a kiss. I want love. I'm so terrified of losing him by losing myself. I cannot change because then he will not love me. I'm not even sure if I am doing this correctly. I'm doing this in a form of a prayer rather than what I'm thinking directly. Either way, it's something. Oh, Art. Please, say something I need to hear. I myself do not know what it is. but I need you to say it. Maybe I secretly want you to tell me it's over so that I can find another person to fill the void. But whom could possible begin to? No one. You were the one. You are the only. You always will be. Ten years from now when I watch you get married I will still love you as strongly. There is no better person. Your soul is so true and so lovely. so pure and untouched. I was lucky enough to glimpse that. I was lucky enough to love you. Thank you God. Forgive me, please. I should have loved you better. I'm staring at your painting and I can't help but wonder why I screwed it up again. Why am I self destructive. I need you. I need you to hug me. To kiss me. To tell me that you want me. Please. Please please please. I'm so weak. I'm so pointless. This is purposeless. Help me, God. My back aches. My eyes ache. My feet ache. My life is gone. Music could soothe me before. now nothing does. Not friends, not family, not anything. I wish I could figure out who I am. or be told who I am. I cannot figure it out. Please God let him love me. I'm terrified of what I will become without him. Oh God, please hurry. Please send me something. I need a drink. I wish I hadn't done so many things. I wonder who is online. who could make me feel better? John? Does he love me? I don't love him. Although I wish he loved me. Why am I so selfish? Why can't I be good and whole? What did I do that was so wrong? So many things. Please help me. It's 11:55. I'm done.