ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
ok I am starting writhing. I really don't know hat to right about but I will give it my best shot. I am going home today pretty excited about that. but in some ways I am not because I don't want to put up with my family. I am feeling a little bit guilty now for saying that because they are only trying to help me out. I like the way the sun shines through my window in my room. I am really happy to be here at university of texas. it is hard to write for a long period of time about nothing. I feel like I am writing in a journal or something. it is really quite today on my floor usually it would be extra loud because it is Friday. I am really excited to be in the longhorn band. it has been a really good experience so far and I hope it continues. I have meet some really great people and I hope that this friendship will continue for a lifetime. I saw one of my best friends sisters today and I was really surprised. for one I wouldn't think that she would talk to me but she did. I hope to see her again soon. I really need to get packed up to go home. I need to go get fitted for my uniform in band too. I took the pretesting this morning I never would have thought it would have taken so long. and it repeated the same questions over and over. it was really annoying
That's what I thought, so I got very angry when earlier today they wouldn't sell me cigarettes just because my driver's license was expired. Then, they wouldn't sell them to my friend because they said that they knew that she was going to give them to me. It is ridiculous!!!  I am eighteen even if my driver's license is expired. Just because in the last two months I haven't had two hours to go and get it renewed, they're going to punish me by not letting me buy my nicotine. Some rules just make me so mad I could scream. Why would they do such stupid things?  I'm confused because I think that I'm afraid to audition for any of the plays here at UT because I'm afraid of failure, of not getting the part. My major is theatre arts and I hope to be an actress someday, and not one of those cheesy ladies on soaps. I want to be in movies and plays and be recognized and have money. I love acting and I've been doing it for so long and I never audition except for when I have to because I think maybe unconsciously, I feel less talented and afraid when they shake their heads at me.
Trying to decide what to eat for dinner is complicated, especially when people don't answer the question. When you ask someone "What do you want to eat?" most likely they will say, "I don't know what do you want?" Well, if I did know what I wanted to eat, I wouldn't have asked you. It is a simple question with a simple answer. Right now I just asked my boyfriend what he wanted for dinner and his response was, "I don't know whatever you want". Well, that's why I asked you, I don't know what I want to eat, that's why I asked you. I guess that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I honestly don't know what I want to eat. It's a simple question and it's up to my stomach and brain to make that decision, but I'm asking someone to make this important decision for me. Does this mean that I'm lazy because I want someone else to make a decision that I can only make for myself. Maybe I'm not lazy; maybe it's just I want someone to help me make that decision. That seems logical, a person can't be lazy simply because he or she doesn't want to make a decision for themselves.
After I finish this paper I'm going to go work out, then get something to eat at Jester Center. I need to get back in shape. I feel better. Then I'll finish reading from my Zen book and economics book. I hope I am not taking the same economics class I did last year at CCCC. That is going to be a big waste if it is. I can't wait to go home on Friday to see my friends and family. It's not all what is cracked up to be down here. Dallas is so much better. It bigger, better stuff to do. I just like that environment. It's ok down here. I really have not met many people. Just my roommate and a few in my dorm. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I met a very friendly and pretty girl named Tanya today. She lives in 407 of the Towers. She told me to come by. I'm debating on going over there or not. I'm sure Brandi wouldn't like it. Obviously since we are not doing so good right now. I just don't know what to do with her. I feel like if I break up with her it is going to be a mistake. I don't know what I feel. I'm lost. I don't feel like I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Sometimes I just feel like I'm better of with out her. She would be crushed if I broke up with her since it would be like the 10th time. I feel like there is just something else out there better for me, but I never tell her that. The sight of seeing her hurt and crying makes me feel so guilty and sad. I feel so sorry for her. I lie to her all the time about my true feelings because they are so mixed right now. I feel like I'll be lost with out her, but that might be just because I was with her for so long. I am getting pretty hungry right now, but I need to work out first. There are a lot of fine girls that work out. Sometimes I wish I could hook up with one of them. Tomorrow night might be fun. I only have one class, thank god. I hate Tuesday's and Thursday's. Three classes from 812 is forever. Actually I just hate my Cal class. I can't stand sitting in those chairs they are so uncomfortable. Just two more days until I leave. I 'm getting pretty anxious about it. I can't sleep very much at night. I don't fall asleep until 2 or 3. Then I wake up very tired. I can't wait to back to sleep after classes. But then I feel like I'm pressured for time. If I sleep it takes away the time I have to study, therefore taking away my free time. So its either nap, or play. I hope my tests aren't difficult at least after I have studied well. I have this horrible fear that I am not going to do good and fail out. That is the last thing I want to happen.
What to write. I just missed dinner because I came down here to write this paper. I think that they should make dinner last longer then just till 7:00 at night. That sucks. Last night I requested that they give us a new couch because the one we have now hurts my back. Besides I saw what the new couches looked like and they are pretty cool. They are bright blue, not just plan gray. Grey is so boring. I wonder what I will do tonight. I could stay home and do my homework and sleep,  maybe get to see what a good night's sleep feels like. But I will most likely go out and party like I always get suckered into. So the guy situation on campus. Not to bad. The one Im dating now is a sweetie. But now that Im dating him it is not as fun anymore. Why is that?  The fun part is the challenge of getting the guy but now that I have him I don't want to spend any time with him. I am such a bitch. God, my eyes can't handle looking at a computer screen too long. They get all dried out. We have a Nintendo at our room upstairs, and I sit there for hours and my eyes kill me. Well, not really for hours, just a little exaggeration. My roommates are pretty cool. I like them a lot. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't spend as much time with them as they do together so now they are closer to each other and I kinda feel left out. But I spent my time with my other friends. My best friend Athena who is just down the hall and whom I love so very much. I am so glad that she is here. I would hate it here if she weren't. When I fist got here I was kinda upset that she was on my floor because I wanted my space and my time away from her, but now I love it. It is a perfect set up. I can go and visit her anytime I want and she can come to my room if she likes but I don't feel like hanging with her than I don't have to. How come I can write forever and this screen just keeps scooting over, it makes my feel like Im not writing that much. Last time I did this I only wrote one line. And the sad thing was I was sitting at the computer for about an hour. I just had people distracting me. I wonder how you check your e-mail. I wonder if Chris wrote me. Chris is such a great guy. I hope he comes down and visits sometime soon. I miss the boy. He is the one guy I regret not ever liking. I had my chance with him and broke his heart, but I guess that's the way life goes. I always go for the loser guys who treat me like shit. Maybe that's why I never like a guy after I finally know he likes me, he is too nice and treats me too well. Doesn't that suck. I thought that the psy. experiment in class was very entertaining. I hope that I do well in this class it is truly an interesting subject. But is seems like I won't be doing well in any of my classes. I don't concentrate enough. I came down here thinking that I was going to get a 4. 0, or at least close to that. But now my study habits have gotten so bad that I don't know what is going to happen to my. I think that I will change my ways and get back on track. I started out exercising every day too, but now I haven't ran in several days. The freshman 15 here I come. Ok that has been 20 min. Hope you had fun analyzing me!
Somehow I just submitted an blank assignment so hopefully this one will submit when it is completed. I should be studying for my first astronomy test right now. Somehow I managed to put it off until the last minute like I did with this writing assignment. I need to break this procrastination problem before I get any further into the semester. I have this problem every fall that I have been in college. In spring I am fine I get everything done ahead of time. I am sure it has nothing to do with fall or spring. I am hoping this fall my grades will be awesome but it is hard adjusting to a new environment. I just transferred to UT after 2 years at the University of North Texas. I have been living here now for almost three weeks. I feel like I'm on vacation or something. While I miss my old apartment and friends, I am very happy to be here at UT. I couldn't get in to UT directly after high school because of my class rank. I didn't really concern myself with school in high school. Suddenly when I started at UNT academics became more important to me and my grades improved. I applied to UT expecting to not get accepted because I had heard horror stories of how hard it is to transfer in. It came as a complete surprise when my parents called and told me I got a letter of acceptance. I instantly decided that I was ready for the move. It never really hit me that I was leaving my friends behind in Denton until now. I think I offended one of my closest friends in Denton because I was so excited about moving and didn't really seem to care that I was leaving. Suddenly two weeks before I moved she decided irrationally that she never wanted to speak to me again. Oh well. I love Austin.
Upon coming to UT I thought about it in much detail. Being used to air conditioned High School, I told my roommate that I think that the entire university should be one building. This building would have to be about 100 stories high, or remain the same size, just in a huge bubble. Now that class has started, I see that the temp. problem is not that big of a deal, so I say screw it. I also thought class would be easier. Since there aren't any daily grades, quizes, or numerous tests, I find it difficult to be happy with my current state of mind concerning my academics. I constantly feel that I need to study. I find this extremely difficult lately now that the fraternity has us running around with little time for relaxation. Thank goodness they allow us study time. I don't know much about college life yet because I haven't been through at least one semester yet, but I don't think engineering will be as easy as I had hoped. The math concerning the major is so overwhelming that I find myself with extremely high levels of anxiety while attending the class. The TA teaches on tues. /thurs. and then I have a supplemental instruction class too. If it wasn't for the GE (supplemental) class I don't think I would be able to cut it. I came out of high school thinking that math was just natural, but I realize that the quality of teachers makes all the difference in the world. I realize how jaded the topics I discuss are and also want to mention that I am extremely frustrated with the entry level professors (I'm really just dirrecting my anger towards the math department). The guy barely speeks english and he basically stands at the front of the class and puts on a display of how good he is at math. "OOH, look at me I'm Romanian and I know lots of math; you can never know as much math as me. To make sure you never know as much math as me I'm going to run though this matterial so quickly that none of you can process it and assign you so much homework that with my shortcummings as a teacher, you with surely sit for hours trying to figure out this stuff on your own. "  I am obviously dramatizing the situation, but this is the only way I can describe my frustration; however there is some truth to my insanity.
I am not sure if I am studying properly. Doing this makes me very nervous. I wish she would call me but I know it is hard. Sometimes it really sucks being in love. especially with someone my parents don't approve of. I wish I could escape sometimesto a place where no one judges anyone and everyone gets along and dad's don't drink. Where one can hear the sun rise and set; where stress is nonexistent and there's never any need to cry. I love to write, but not today. I want to sit in a tree and observe. Nobody would know I was there. Why are people so oblivious? We're really quite stupid. We hurt people and they hurt us. Nobody really wants to be hurt. My arms hurt. I really want to make this rowing team. I have to be part of something. I have been for 10 years. Why doesn't she come visit me. She is my backbonemy strengthI need her. I want to run away TO MAINE. That would be so great. Maine is beautiful, peaceful and usually stays out of the limelight. Privacy. That would be so nice. She and I get along really well but it would be nice if I could have a little privacy every now and then. Well, a couple of days would be nice. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. about anything. I don't know who to talk to. I feel tired and unkempta lot. I wonder why. I love college though. I hated high school because I felt as if it were not to my level. Here there is a challenge. Flag football Wed. 20th. Today ultimate Frisbee. TomorrowApril. Test 20th speech. That mouse pad is black. Why am I dizzy sometimes. I need to write. Seriously write. Like I used to. It always made me feel so much better. and my teachers loved it. What on earth is this chick next to me doing? I really HATE it when people look at my monitor when I am trying to do this. PET PEAVE. Or when there are like 500 computers open and she has to come sit right next to ME. I like lightning. It's so beautiful. I like rain. I want to go play in it. I don't ever want to grow up. I hope this phone doesn't get me in trouble. I really need to get my computer fixed. It's so dead. So am I. But not too bad. Not as bad as I have been. I really have a lot of questions about God. I really need to get them answered because all of it is driving me absolutely out of my mind. Maybe I'll hang around after church on Sunday. ask the pastor. Maybe not. I hope my mother is happy with him. She deserves to be happy after everything she's been through. I'm glad they found each other again. I need to workout. It keeps me strong and in shape. April needs to be happy. She tries so hard to make me happy but I don't want her to. She needs to make herself happy. Kristin needs to lay off. I need to go home.
The library is so boring. I can't stand more than two hours of library a day. Daily discussion sections can be really useless in the long run for easy classes, one would be better off studying. It is hard to write a stream of consciousness when typing and especially being in a library with other people around you. There are too many distractions and I believe this particular writing assignment to be more effective on my behalf in a different environment. Time is tricky in that it seems to move by faster than expected when it is divided into units, I divide my day into units of time rather than just saying that I have to be in class for an hour, i consider this one unit of time and everything just works out as planned. I wonder if people have a preference on which computer to use when they enter a computer lab, I mean location of the computer, I have a preference for the computers in the back corner or at least at the end of the row. I have am uncomfortable with people sitting behind me or even next to me when there is a chance I may be watched. I am not really following the rules of stream of consciousness because i am using punctuation marks and there is no real stream with punctuation marks. It is hard not to, may be there is something psychologically wrong with a person who  uses punctuation in a stream of consciousness one thing is for certain is that the person may be a little occupied by trivial matters. a beautiful girl just walked in so she is on my mind so since she is on my mind i will write about her, she is wearing a black dress, knee high and a tan beld with tan shoes, i wonder why she dressed like that to go to the library and use a computer, awesome she is now sitting at the computer next to me if i wasnt in a stream on consciousness may be i would talk to her, probably not i am not good with those type of situations anyway, i guess i shouldnt write about her when she may glance over and see my writing about her enough of that, where was i in my original thoughts before this incident occured, i believe i was talking about time and how controlling it can be when dealt with in the wrong way our whole society is so structured on this intangible object its amazing when you dwell and also can get confusing. i think i may just move to spain where time is not that big of a deal, at least thats what my high school sociology teacher told me, she was an attractive lady who had just got out of college and she really liked me, not in a sexual way, she had a wonderful family, and her child was very beautiful, i hope one day i may have the chance to have such a nice child. anyway, our relationship was good, she even invited me to the movies and many dinners at her house, it was awkward, but  i soon became kind of close with that family, she knew my mother was living in austin and wanted to just kind of have the experience of a teenage son i guess i recall those two years and i feel extremely happy and encouraged by that woman and she helped me deal with not having a mother
well, today is a pretty easy relaxaing day. I've kinda gotten into the school mood now so it's not too hard to sit down and get stuff done like it was a couple days ago. when I got here I had no clue it was going to be just what I thought is was going to be like. needless to say, I'm happy. it feels just like a movie or something. I'm so lucky to have such a great roommate. she's so awesome. we knew eachother in high school but we never were great friends so it works out perfect. we always can feel free to go our separate ways and always have someone to come home to and share our nights with. we are so much alike and so much different that God sure put us in the right place. we make eachother laugh. she even hooked me up the other night with one of her friends and I had a great time. we were discussing something last night though. we haven't seemed to find our nitch yet. we've met a lot of people, together and separatly, but I guess it just takes awhile to find your friends huh?  I'm not too worried or depressed about it yet. I'm busy as it is. friends will come. I wish matt from orientation calls me. I think we could be really good friends. I'm pretty upset with some of my friends right now. mainly blake. my old best guy friend. we used to be so tight but now he's changed. all he cares about is partying and drinking and keeping an image. it's so not him and he knows it. he is so much better than that and we've even talked about it before. I just care for him and miss him but both of us are too stubborn to call first and stuff like that. we've always been that way. let me tell you, senior year with him was pretty stressful. I just wish sometimes things were what they used to be. don't get me wrong. I absolutely love college but I guess I miss all of the tight friendships I had and my little group at school. but I love everything about college (except for the showers) :)  well, that's it for now. besides the fact that I wish I had some significant other. or maybe I don't. sometimes I wish I did but I still enjoy looking at other guys and flirting and I'm still meeting people now so I guess it's good I'm not tied down. and I'm really excited I found a theater club I could join here. and I don't have to major in theater. I did a lot of that in high school (hated my teacher) but I was a role model to a lot of people and that made it easier to cope with her. I'm so glad that we have email today. it makes it such an easier way to talk and communicate with people. I miss my friends and family the most. I'm not really homesick yet, which is good I think. I think that shows a sign of maturity. I'm not going home this weekend. I know my parents would want me to but I don't really feel like it yet. I propbably will the next weekend maybe. I know I am for our high school's homecoming for sure. I think that everyone from my school that goes here is going back. I think that it will be fun. I loved high school football games. I went to every single one all four years but two of them my senior year. well, it's been past 20 minutes. until writing #2.
In the background there is the movie "Space Jam" which is a little distracting. I can't help but focus on the comedy the Looney Tunes attribute to communication disorders because it was a topic that was discussed in my CSD class. It's a little too cold in here. My agent is not paying enough attention to me as of late, in agreement with a statement just made in the movie. I still wonder about my sign language assignment tonight. The screen on this computer is getting out of focus, then coming back in focus again. I love this keyboard. The spacing on the keys is wonderful. I wish my face would stop throbbing. My lips are very dry, and it's still very cold. I can feel the fatness in the side of my face from my surgery. the Newman guy on Seinfeld is in this movie. I hate his character. In Seinfeld he's funny at least. this music reminds me of aerobics and now the Eagles are playing "Fly Like and Eagle". Michael Jordan is a very attractive man. I wish I lived on campus. I wish I had a boyfriend. I gave the wrong number to my friend. It's hard to pay attention to the assignment and the movie , but it's not my computer so I must make do. no more basketball this season. I love this song, it reminds me of 5th grade and going roller skating. My best friend from 5th grade was really messed up. I wonder where she is now. I need to get the old school Salt 'n Peppa CD. I want a new car. I really want a nice car, not another piece of crap like I already have. I want a new Honda Accord, if life was perfect. I'm glad, this boy is coming over and I am very attracted to him. the movie with Kevin Bacon in it about basketball. I forgot the name, crap. my head hurts. you know that looking at anything that is emitting light, like a computer screen or a TV with the lights off it is very bad for your eyes. I'm hungry, I need to work out. I love the free rec center. My fingers hurt a little. I love playing sports, I love movies. I want to make movies when I get older, maybe I'll just produce. Actually I want to be rich. God, that mouse is annoying. Reminds me of my little sister, she always talks to fast for her mouth. This movie sucks. I am tired and I have to do that stupid Lab tonight. I want to go to an amusement park. I'm hungry. I miss Karen. I need a haircut. God that's Danny Devito's voice. That trips me out. OK , my fingers really hurt. the chubby boy? Who's voice is that? hey time really flies, it's good to hear Jenny laugh. I love it when other people are amused. Why is Michael talking about his butt. My friend Justin called me, it's very cool that I ran into him today. enough.