ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Losing my best friend the day before classes started doesn't necessarily "enhance" my college experience. So much has been circulating through my head. Why did this happen?  She and her sister had so much to live for, and now they are both dead because of a freak accident. A careless mistake took the only two children their parents will know to be their own. In a perverted way I find the situation ironic. Alice had done so many stupid things in her life and come away from them without a scratch, but her sister took a turn too fast and it took both of their lives. I find myself unable to think too much about it recently. I am able to say "my best friend just died" but I haven't found it possible to truly feel the extent of pain that I do. I find myself going through the day forcing a smile here and there, a laugh if I hear something funny, but I have never had such a consistent view of the sidewalk. I am polite to the girls in my dorm, but I am somehow furious that they don't understand my pain. I wouldn't either if someone had come to me with this situation three weeks ago. No one does until it affects you personally. It's like one of those after-school specials on teen-aged depression. I find myself shutting down sometimes and hating the world. If I believed in a god, it would only be one more person to hate and blame for this. I know I need to make new friends but can only wish to see and talk to my old friends, friends that understand. I know I need to get out and do things, but the thought of socializing with strangers frustrates the hell out of me. I find myself going through phases of denial, then rage, then depression, and then denial again. Sometimes I want to put my fist through the wall, other times I want to curl up in a little ball and just stay there for weeks. Sometimes nothing seems important. What good does it do to strive for perfection if it can all be taken away that quickly?   What good does it do to have people close to your heart, if it only hurts that much more when you lose them?  Of course I know the answers to these questions, but recently I've challenged everything I have trusted to be true.
This is my first year at UT and I am not used to doing everything on my own. I am scared that I am not strong enough to make it. I am trying hardest though, I do not want to disappoint my parents. I feel like there is so much to get done and I will not to be able to finish everything on time. I am also worried because I do not understand a lot of what is being taught in my classes. This is extremely frustrating because I took these classes in high school and I did well in all of them. I am confident that I will be able to pull through all of this, and hopefully I will be a stronger person for it. I do like this new environment, however. Austin is a beautiful city. I love being here, and being on my own. I feel like I am discovering so much, and it is great!  I think I have all these different feelings because I am in a new place, with totally different surroundings, and most of all I am on my own. There is no one to depend on but myself. I already see how I am changing and growing. Even though everything seems so overwhelming, I love the experience!
Coming to this first year in a totally different new atmosphere for school, I knew there were many challenges. I think of the freedom of the lifestyle I'll be in as well as the work that I have to put into in getting the grades like how I did in high school. Wow, what a difference in lifestyle. I can come back to my dorm and go back to sleep after one class instead of having to go through a whole day like in high school and then finally going home and sleeping. But, its not like I don't sleep during class anyways. The ethernet connection here as had me in awe. After many years using my mediocre 33. 6 modem, the ethernet connection has been a blast. This is the first time I actually had to do an assignment online and send it online. so that's quite a change as well. I'll find that I might do less writing now, now that there are computers to do the writing for us. Living in the a dorm and around your peers usually lets u see any internal problems closeup when it happens. I've seen this already. It's not like everyday school life when you go home and ponder about the issue and go back to school the next day to see it again, or have to go on the phone and talk about it. Here, you meet the issues face to face usually, depending on where your peers live. You and your peers will get used to how each other lives, the way they eat, sleep, or drink. I'll see how I will get through this year
As of now I wonder what will become of me at the University of Texas. These first few weeks have opened up many new experiences to me. Being able to make decisions by myself and not have to worry what my parents think is weird to me. My dad was the principal at the same high school as me which limited me to what I could and couldn't do due to the fact that he had a reputation to uphold in the community. Back in my home town people would associate me with my dad and hold me to different standards than everyone else at the school, but in college I don't have to worry about my fathers reputation and I can be the person that I really want to be. This is strange because my whole life I have had to worry what other people think of me, but these last few weeks my whole life style has changed. It is strange living away from my home town because many of my friends are there and I have lived there all of my life. I am sure I am going through the same things many other freshman are going through right now. Having to meet new friends and find my place in Austin is harder than I thought, but at the same time I like Austin a lot more than I like my hometown. My roommate is cool and it seems like we will get along fine over the year. I was worried that I would get a bad roommate because I have heard so many horror stories about bad roommates, but I guess it turns out that I was lucky. I can't wait for the next UT football game. I missed the first one against North Texas but I have my ticket for the one against Houston. Many of the people that I already know up here are going to be tailgating and have invited me to go with them to the game. Hopefully during this time I will get to see some of my ex-neighbors that I grew up with. The television is starting to get on my nervous because some dumb movie is playing and this monkey keeps making stupid noises. I find it hard to try and write for 20 minutes straight. To follow my thoughts is hard because it seems I try to hide them even from myself. I think this might be due to the fact I could never say what I thought when I was growing up. I always had to follow the   norm   and if I didn't my parents would scold me and tell me not to think that way. Since my parents both come from a more traditional up-bringing I don't have as many experiences as other kids have had.
Well this really pisses me off. I write you assignment to send to you but I get no connection. So I save it and try to do send it again. It got lost, even worse I have to do this again just turn this stupid thing in. For something I have already did, this really pissed me off. So to make sure you get this thing I'm thinking about emailing this to you. And to think I actually did truly analyze myself for this project, tell you my true feelings and you don't even get to see it. This is what is really going in my sub- consciousness. You well probably are not going to get a  memo like this class. Too bad, I really had a great paper or memo you could have really thought about. It was about time, and since I have to do this the Second TIME, it's  even hardier to write about. Speaking of time I have about 5 minutes left so here it goes. I feel that time is one  of the most under-rated things in this world today. Just  look at me I'm writing this memo for the second time today and have to do the other one tomorrow. Now that was a lot of stress for just one day. Still I accomplish more things under pressure, I think that is what I'm best at. Well it  is time for me to depart, so I hope I well learned something in your class. Man, this really is stress releasing.
of course I relize that things could be much worse. I mean this could be a real writing assingment, which would totally suck. I'm thinking about if I want to ask this guy to come to a show with me and my friend and her boy toy, but I don't knoe whether or not I will probably not. I just e-mailed my mom - I had never used e-mail before and it was quite an experience of course now I'm wondering how in the hell I'm supposed to get this little disk thingy out of the stupid computer I'm the most computer illiterate person that I know. college kind of sucks man it's not like on t. v. - it's much hotter. I freeze in my stupid room and roast outside no wonder everybody gets sick here. so anyway blah blah I have some dumb-ass roommate meeting to go to even though I just love my roommate to death and she of course reciprocates the feeling so we have no problems we're just one big happy family speaking of I miss my twin brother a lot he's in chicago at the art instite of chicago I just LOVE to tell people that because I am damn proud of him god typing sucks I've probably been going for abtou 20 minutesff saoe already opps little mistake there but its all good right>? I'm such a slow typer jesus christ this sux man I wonder what the next assignment is have a nice day man peace and love all around
today all I think about is snow skiing, I cannot wait to be in the mountains, its so liberating and right now I feel so tied down and constricted, my room is annoying me at the moment because I do not like my desk space, it is uncomfortable so I find it hard to work in, which makes me not want to do anything at my desk. right now I feel so lost in life, there are so many things that I want to do and I know I have all the time in the world, but I feel like everything is moving so fast, especially now that my best friend is back at school, I feel we just started summer together yesterday and now he and I both are gone and back our separate ways, which is for the best, but at times it is so hard because I feel like a whole sector of my life is missing and I spend most of my days thinking about it and how it really is not that long until we see each other again and I look forward to the coming years but I get scared because I wonder if my future involves him. we have many of the same passions and we desire to do the same things, but I wonder if we will do them together or own way. I constantly think about my future but not really the success aspect, but rather the things that I want to do the things that make me happy, which for awhile would not include a job. I guess I don't really think about growing up that much but really like I said earlier that all I think about is going skiing this winter, I feel like the mountains are my home, like that is where I belong and I am itching to get back, because I have not been in so long. when people ask where my favorite place to be is, it is definitely the mountains. its like this little place god created where I can get away and forget about everything that drags me down, and just allow me to stand in awe and take in all that this earth has to offer, its like it releases me. not only that I love skiing it is my favorite form of exercise, and its just all I can think about considering how hot it is here and I cannot wait to get away the heat and get where the air knocks you off you feet.
I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. my mind wonders all the time. I'm really tired. the dog is taking a nap -- I wish I was taking a nap, too. I stayed up too late last night. church was hot and not very interesting. I wonder what time we're leaving today. the houston comets are playing very good. I guess they are still mourning the loss of Kim Perrot. her death was so sad. where did that crazy dog go now. I bet she went to take a nap in my bed. my typing probably distrubed her. crap! the comets can't score to save their life. good shot. who the heck is that girl. Sheryl Swoopes is incredibly fast. I wonder why she doesn't get a long with cynthia cooper. pass the ball. rebound. is that a play or what. my sister is being such a baby today. she is so bossy, and when she doesn't get her way, she throws a fit. I never stick up for my brother, but the one time I do, it infuriates her. I can't wait to get back to austin, and I'll stay on my side of town, and she can stay on her side. I won't call her for a couple of days, so she can get completely over her temper tantrum. I hope eryn doesn't call me for a few days. I just want to stay at my dorm and relax and study by myself. this is the stupidest commercial. I hate that Buddy Lee character. I have to go to the bathroom, but I still have 10 minutes to type. I have got to go on a diet. I'm getting extremely fat. I wonder when that aerobics program gets started. I hope it won't be too hard. I have got to set the vcr to tape my soaps for the week. I hate missing those shows. that girl is such a weiner. she is always getting hurt. I'm getting sick of typing. oh that was a cheap foul. I wonder how they wash there hair when it's in those braids. I bet it stinks. that girl is ugly. he is a horrible dresser. I wonder how much money they make. my watch is rubbing my hand. my eyes are tired. I haven't seen this commercial before. it's kind of dumb. my mind is starting to take a nap. it isn't wondering so much anymore. I hate that when I get in a daze and just stare at people. it's embarrassing. this game is getting boring, I wonder if there are any other games on. when do the cowboys play today. how much more room do I have. I guess I get as much room as I want. cynthia cooper is cocky. why do they wear lipstick when they play. that is retarded. they dress up to get sweaty and work out. I wonder how loud it is in that arena. my head itches. I think someone is driving up to my house. that's a walk! the comets are looking better. is it supposed to rain today. it's pretty cloudy out there. my throat hurts. I wonder if I'm getting sick. man I'm tired. can I ever run out of water in my eyes. every time I yawn my eyes fill completely, and --- the phone is ringing --- I looked at the caller id, but I don't want to talk to that person. I still have to go to the bathroom. well it's been 23 minutes, so I'm going to quit. I hope I did this right.
I sit staring at the blue syllabus from the class in front of me. What do  I write about? The sad part is that it seems like such a miniscule task. Write about what I'm thinking about. So now I ponder what I normally think about? What do I normally think about, but I'm supposed to be writing about what I'm thinking about right now. I'm thinking I should turn of the television behind me, yet I'm so attracted to this rerun that I have watched so many times. Although since I am writing this, I am not exactly paying attention to what is going on on the television. I can hear the faint noice in the background. Why can't I concentrate? I always have this problem. I feel that my attention span has shortened as I have gotten older. I have problems watching a thirty minute television program! How can I sit here for twenty minutes on task? Especially since I have a million things to do. Such as a paper in my Literature and the Law class. But I am not able to sit for a long time and simply work on that paper. How did I ever get into college? Sure my grades were somewhat decent, yet I always tend to work to the point of exhaustion, mainly because I procrastinate. When I procastinate I do all at once. since my attention span is so short, and I am not able to sit and continuously put forth a vast amount of effort my work comes out poorly. This must be why I have only decent grades. I must put forth more of an effort. Life can be extremely challenging especially since I am not able to do such a miniscule task of prioritizing. But why am I complaining about my grades? College has just begun! I can turn around and begin new! But I say this every time and it never happens. Sure you can change anything, but come on, am I actually gonig to do that? NO! I'm just pathetic in that way. Its like all the people I know who have broken promises. Sure everyone says they'll do this or that,but do they? I am always upset when people break promises because I never break promises to other people except to myself! I can stop being a procastinator, but do I? I can start exercising more, but do I? The most important person in my life,me , is the one person who I put last. Who cares how I look to others as long as I feel good inside. Do I feel good inside? Hard question. Do I have an answer? I don't know. I'm constantly criticizing myself. Come on sonia, you can be better at this or that. But do I make a point of actually becoming better no! I suppose all people are like this, they attempt to be someone their not. I have to just face the fact that I am who I am and if I really want to change I have the chance but I don't have to change!
It seems a bit strange just to be writing to be writing but I am it is probably very interesting to read back over it after you are done writing it. I am so used to being in English classes were you have to keep thinking about what you are writing that it seems strange to me right now that I am just writing thoughts as they are coming out of my mind with no real point are concern of where this is going. I have done an assignment like this for a writing course before but its purpose was to help us learn to let our thoughts flow more vividly on the paper so I am a bit curious about what this could tell about myself. I honestly hate computers and typing so I can't say I am enjoying myself too much right now. The clock seems to always move very slow when you are doing something just to do it for a timed amount of time. I suppose I will just keep rambling on though to get to that twenty minutes. I really did wait until almost the last possible second to do this today. Its around four right now so I will be sending this in just minutes before it is supposed to be turned in. This week has really drained me and I am so glad it is friday. I can actually get some sleep now and go out and unwind and have some fun. I really wanted to cut back on the partying this year but so far I'm not off to a good start at least I'm not going out every night though. I have a job now though so I suppose that occupies a good part of my time. Its a pain trying to balance that and school but at least this gives me money to go out now and have a good time. I'm a little more self dependent then I was last year. I'm not having to call home all the time and ask for money. I just have a couple more minutes so I am trying to think of something to say right now. My mind just feels like mush. My whole body needs sleep and rest but I am going to just go out and wear it out anyway. I'm young I should have fun while I still can. That is exactly what I am going to do now because I have reached my little time limit so I hope you have had a great time reading my ramblings from my little mind.
Here I am in college. It's pretty weird and scary all at the same time. Justin is in Kansas, he says that he is in love with me now that he is away from me. I on the other hand have pulled away. He was so controlling and bad to me in high school that it is hard for me to turn away now that he is so nice and perfect. I love him very much, but I've met another guy who is so perfect in everyway. He is so nice and understanding, some much more than I've ever experienced. Mom is coming today. Yesterday was my birthday so she is coming today to take me to eat and bring me some presents. I am so tired, I was up until 6 this morning, she is going to think I'm sick. I don't know how I made it to my morning classes. On Fridays I am done by 11 am! That is so nice. I kind of miss my friends back home. It's hard to having friends that don't understand you completely yet. I love texas!
I feel nervous inside and butterflies keep flying around my chest. This is probably because I am nervous about what my boyfriend has to tell me. I feel excited as well and it's pretty weird, but for the first time, in a long time, I know what it means to take advantage of ones individual strength. I mean I feel as though things will work out, but what if he tells me that the one and a half years we've spent together are over. Anyway, this has pretty much been on my mind since 7:00a. M. I can't really think of anything else but that. Gosh, I am so nervous, but then again I'm probably over reacting. Other things has also been on my mind like my first test in biology. I really don't know what kind of questions are going to be asked. I'm sorry, but I just feel so nervous and I think these butterflies have turned into bats or something because I can't even breathe without feeling more nervous by the minute. I feel pretty confident and I guess that's good. I guess I'll stop thinking about that for awhile and let my heart catch up to my chest pounding. On to another thing I was thinking about. I can't believe that Magwire guy from the Cardinals almost beat the record foe the most homeruns. Pretty weird that I jumped from one serious subject to another, huh?  That's pretty much the way I work inside. I get all worked up about something and then the next minute I'm laughing and having a good time. I know why that happens. I don't look at the bad things in life, I only look at the good things. It's bad for me to say, but I could probably walk down a dark street with no common sense and think that that street is the most safest place on the face of this earth. A lot of people judge a lot of things from the outside which is so unfair to everyone. Not everything that looks ugly or dirty is bad. In fact, the prettiest looking and the wealthiest looking people probably do more crime or illegal things what the "middle or lower" class would do. That's why I hate when I get my pay check and see how much taxes I pay for people to just claim welfare for something stupid. More than half of the on welfare are able to work, they're just too lazy!  I know this for a fact because my boyfriend's step-sister does that. So, basically, while I'm working my ass off for people like her, my money is lost and I don't even get that much taken out of my check for MY Medicare. That's what's so unfair!! Well my 20minutes have flown by so, I will write to you soon for assignment #2. good-bye and take care.
I can't wait until tomorrow. I have only one class from 9 to 10 and then its time to go to the Matchbox 20 concert. I love Christie so much and I can't what to see her tomorrow. Christie, I hope you'll give me another chance some day. Your the best thing thats ever happened in my life. God I've changed so much this summer. I am so excited about pledgeship. I love you mom. I am going to study my rear off though to get a 4. 0. I wish I was living at Towers because Jester SUCKS. And the food is nothing special at all. I got to ask mom and dad for some cash. I really can't wait to get back to Houston to see everybody there and especially Dean, Cassie, Mrs. Smith, and of course Christie. I need to keep working out. It's doing me alot of good. Carter needs to tone it down in there so that I can finish this paper. Holy cow my mind just went blank. Oh wait a minute. 2 great looking girls are swimming over at the Theta house. I hope the Rockets win it all next year because the Bulls are really pissing me off. College is going to be tough but I think I will do just fine. I am going to be more than successful one day. I don't hope this, I know this. For the love of God. I type so slow it's not even funny. That's what I need to do is take a typing class because this is ridiculously to short and it should be much longer. Only one more minute of writing and then I'll. . . . . . Oh, what do you know. times up.