I want to see my friends and my parents. can I go home? I lied to my parents. they don't like me too much right now. maybe even hate. I feel sorry. disgusted. hate for myself. I shouldn't have done that. but I'm an adult. ,I should do whatever I feel and they should just except it. turn that music off. my roommate listens to some weird stuff. what is that? it's depressing. I don't like it. it makes me homesick. why? it doesn't even remind me of home. gee, I want to listen to some rap but I'm sitting here writing continuously. is that how you spell it. it's hard to type what you think when you think it. even though they said not worry about grammar and all, I'm still worried. what if the professor thinks I'm stupid because I can't type. what if I am stupid because I can't type. thank got for backspace. anyhow, what is this for. why am I typing this. I need to do it. it's homework. I need to do homework. I feel bad. confused. wrong. should I take notes while I read in my textbooks. I don't know. I feel like an outcast when I don't take notes in my classes. should I? should I be writing down everything the professor says. should I? I'll find out when we take our first test. then when I fail, I can say now I know what to do when the problem could have been solved in the beginning by the teacher saying, please take notes because everything on the test will be from lecture. you bought the book because the university needs another way to spend money they know you don't have. ha! that was funny. okay, where was I. thinking still. I'm hungry. I can't stand the food at jester but I eat it like I've never had food before. it's just there and it tells me eat me fat boy you paid for it so eat it. I try to tell myself to find something descent like the gourmet pizza, not, or the soybean burgers but I keep getting in line to have that crappy stuff ion the choices line. never anything worth getting but I still eat it. Why? I miss home cooking, not that my mother ever cooks but McDonalds serves as a home cooked meal for me since that is what we had for dinner a lot when I was growing up. McDonalds is good. I like the nuggets? barbecue sauce is the bomb. one time I went to McDonalds and they wouldn't give me any barbecue sauce. bastards. anyway, what was I talking about. so, I miss my home. I miss my friends. I called each of them the first week I was here. they all stayed at home to go to college there, or joined the military, or just didn't go to college. Oh well, their loss because it's fun up here. actually, it's fun in san antonio where I live. I would probably not be going through anything like I am here if I were to stay home. I needed this in my life, to experience new things and new people. funny though, there aren't that many Mexicans here at UT. I mean there are tons of Asians, blacks, Indians, and of course white people but there aren't that many Mexicans so I guess there are people other than Mexicans in the world because in san antonio that's all you saw. Mexicans. man my friend jason is so cool. I miss my friends from work. I used to work at cici's pizza, the best pizza value anywhere buffet for only 2. 99 you come and see us. , I always plug the restaurant to whomever I speak or whatever, anyway I don't know why because the food really sucked. yeah, it was bad. really bad. rats and roaches. that's all that comes to mind when I think of cici's. yeah, and pastries. everyone that worked there threw parties. they were the bomb. I went to so many when I worked there. anything and everything went at a cici's crew party although others were invited too. they were fun. I miss people at work. I remember dating this grill I worked with never date anyone you work with. people talk and shit happens and it really sucks. frustration. anger. anyway, that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend now. she makes me cringe. probably because of the shit she put me through but mostly because every time she left me a message she would play a song from the radio. I guess that's why it's hard to listen to the radio and not think of her. disgust. , hate. pity. sadness. mistrust. bitch. I thought she was the one. / no I didn't I just say that to sound normal. she really didn't mean a lot to me only that she loved me so I felt bad that I didn't love her so I told her I really cared for her but I didn't. I lie to everyone I guess. even myself. sadness. silence. hurt. I don't know what else to write. nothing comes to mind only blackness. I hit a chord as I wrote that. is it true. I hope not. I never mean to be dishonest. I only tell the truth to hurt people and that's wrong. not always but I just feel funny when someone feels a certain way and I don't feel that way back. you know? anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that. is there any gum around here? found some it's good. juicy fruit. is going to move you it gets right to you, the taste the taste the taste is going to move you. okay, commercial. anyway, I wish I had a tv right now. I miss cable . I love to watch comic view and BET and MTV and comedy shows. tonight is seinfeld. that show is hilarious although the series finale sucked. very disappointing. I was mad. upset. I had to tape it because I had a band concert that night. band. bad memories. some good. i wish I played better so I could do something with it but I never practiced on my instrument. I never applied myself. another hidden talent gone to waste. what about college. apply myself? hopefully and succeed. want to graduate but not too sure on them probability of it. hope so. want to please myself as well as my friends and family. don't want to let myself down but I don't know if I want it that bad. sniffle. sadness. I want to make my parents proud again before they leave this earth. death. blackness. crying. .