ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
I just waited 45 minutes for a bus to come and pick me up from the nursing building. in the dark and I got very agitated and edgy. Every car of course had their headlights on and a million cars must have passed by me. I'm still seeing spots even now. I'm upset because I think everyone has forgotten me since I moved off to college. I guess they do. I do feel like a number here at UT despite what they say about getting involved. Every night I come home excited to see if I got any e-mails, messages or mail- but I hardly ever do. They're ALWAYS for my roommate. I still expect to wake up in the morning and see my old room at home, but I get a nasty feeling in my stomach when everything comes into focus and I realize that I'm in some unusual place. and then I realize its my dorm room. Everyone told me the first week would be toughest and that everything is downhill on an easy ride from there. But it isn't working that way for me. Everything is going WAY uphill and the climb is getting even harder than my first week. I want to go home next week and see my family and my dogs, but I know if I do I won't want to come back and it will be even worse than my first day here because I know how awful it can be now and I  will dread that returning again. I'll wait until I get on my feet to go back. Does this page keep moving down?  The phone just rang again and of course it was for my roommate. She has to call her mom when she gets back. Then she'll hog the phone until 12:00 tonight talking to everybody in the world and their dog. And when my mom calls for ME I'll have to call her back because my  roommate will be on the phone and by the time she's off, my mom will be in bed and it would be futile to try and call her back so late. I'm a very SLOW typer. I hope nobody is really reding this because they would think I was an absolute ogre. I'm really not. I put on a good front for other people. Everyone thinks I'm anorexic because they say "I'm a toothpick". If only they saw how much I eat. I hate being so skinny and being able to do nothing about it. Everyone wants to be skinny right?  But not to an extreme, right? I have loads of trouble finding clothes, I have to stuff myself till I practically pop at every meal so I don't lose any more weight. I'm sick all of the time, I can't excercise a lot or else I shed pounds and spend too much of my needed energy, my poor parents have to pay a fortune for heart surgery for me because my low weight has caused serious side effects. I've never been anorexic, bolemic or anything for that matter yet people automatically assume that I am. I noticed in that pre-testing, that a lot was aimed toward eating disorders. Yet everyone fails to notice that there are some of us out here who need help with feeling too skinny. How come larger people and insecure people always  get the help, when there's others out here who need some too. WE get tired of doctors shooing us away and finally don't do anything about it until the damage is already done, and it's not like we caused it to be that way like others. I miss my friends. I miss my family, and I'm signing off now because I'm getting really irritated.
I am so glad that I came home this weekend. I really miss all of my friends and family. I feel like I need to be studying for some of my classes right now. I want to but I also want to spend time with my family. I need to go shopping today. I still need to buy an answering machine and some shower shoes. I really like UT, but I just feel so lonely sometimes. I am so used to being in high school and seeing all of my friends every day. I am so used to being able to ask any of them for help with homework when I needed it. I really miss them. Now most of them have gone so far away and I won't see them for a long time. I am so happy that I got to see Vicky yesterday. I had not seen her in a long time, but it is almost as if I had never left. I can't believe all the things that she told me yesterday that I had never knew before. I am nervous about going back to class on Tuesday. I am so afraid that I am not going to do well in college, but I really want to . I feel like I am already behind because I have alot to do. I am starting to get hungry now. I haven't eaten all day and my stomach is starting to hurt. I can't believe that Princess Diana died. It is so hard to believe. I feel so bad for her kids. I feel like I have so much to do today, but I don't know where to start. I am so tired. I want to go back to sleep. I want to go out and do something tonight. I haven't gone out in so long, and I am tired of staying home every night. I don't want to sit at home and watch TV again. I wonder if mom and dad are going to go somewhere again tonight. I hope that they don't. I would rather them just stay home with me. I wonder why Michael is acting so weird. Sometimes he is nice to me, but then sometimes he won't even talk to me. I really dont want to buy anything today. I have been spending so much money and I feel like I am running out. Maybe mom and dad will help me out and pay for a few things. I wish that the rest of my friends were here. I really miss them. When me and Vicky were talking about them yesterday, it made me miss them even more. Now I am feeling like I was on Friday. I was in such a dreary mood because I felt so alone. I wish I could see more people that I knew at UT. I wish that my parents would stop nagging me all of the time. Sometimes I feel that I can never do anything to please them. I ready to go back to Austin. I cant study when I am at home. There are too many thing to distract me from doing it. I am really hungry now. I think that I will go and get something to eat.
Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed at all the work that has been given to me. There is so much reading that I have to get done and so little time with all the classes I am taking. Right now I am thinking of a way to manage my time and get everything done. Right now I am hearing dead silence as my roommates and I are all studying in the same room. I am also hearing the fan and the doors slam from others people who are down the hall from me. Right now I am feeling very tired and my eyes are about to shut but I'm trying my best to stay awake. As I type, I'm thinking about other work that needs to be done by tomorrow and wondering if I'm ever going to get that done tonight. At this instant I'm noticing how  there are so many pictures of friends in front of me and how much I miss them. I'm wondering about how tomorrow's classes are going to be and what other will be assigned for that day. I am also thinking about how hard my classes are and how I am going to pass them. I'm trying to figure out a way to manage my time, a way to prevent me from procrastinate, and a way to stay in control with my study habits. Right now I also feel sad because I really miss my family. It's so hard for me to be away from them because I'm so close to them. I especially miss my little bother and little sister. They always make me laugh. Today my day was tough. I hardly understood what was going on in there so I had to stay after class and ask questions. As for my critical thinking seminar, I had a hard time participating mainly because of what the topic was about. Right now I'm hearing no noise at all and it's just making me tired. I feel very cold right now because the fan is right in front of me and it's making my eyes dry.
I sit in a chair. I wonder . I wonder about life. we have many options. to live, to die, or get cancer. cynical ideas always cross my mind. I question everything that comes my way. anything. why are dachshunds the best dogs to have. I always look for different things. like the outside world. there are some things you just can't reveal. sometimes there are no answers to questions and no questions  can answer. I can't write. I would like to be a screenwriter someday but I can not write complete  thoughts. I am really scatterbrained. I have many ideas but I am afraid that I will fail listen. I always have a ear that listens to weird noises, give me an apple. I would like to eatan apple tonight. tonight is a good a good night. tonight will be never  the same again. there will always be room to live in another night. I hope I can learn how to type faster cause I have many strange and honest thoughts  running through my mind tonight. I will think of why I am writing this. I don't want to think about it cause it will take up too much of my other  ideas. I like to read why people are the way they are. I think every bodys brain I s incredibly strange. infinity is a concept that cloud not be conceived not in this brain, or anybody elses. some day will the word mean something or will it? that I can not explain or will try to explain or think like I know I can explain. I like to talk to people about their spirituality ideas ideas ideas. I know that I will sleep exceptionally well . I am typing this at night because I was really thinking and I am not able to put all of it on paper. listen to me listen  to me I am rambling. I am a really drained for thinking about my future. I am almost certain that I know what I want to do but  I am afraid of failing and never be able to be happy. I do have confidence, ambition and ] think that I will be successful. I have been writing/typing for at least 20 min. I could go all night but instead I will make my mind ' wander of into some other tangent.
I am residing at Castillian for my freshman year. I have my own personal room, which is more than I can say for others. It is very nicely furnished with all of my personal possessions from home. The entire back wall is a large window with a beautiful view of the hills. All the lights can be seen twinkling, which causes a serene atmosphere and a pleasant way to relax. My parents are paying a small fortune for my to stay here as well as for all of the other things I'd like to do. They try so hard to make me happy, but I'm not. I feel a sense of debt to them to succeed in college. I also believe that this was their full intention. We'll call it a bribe. They spit out money as long as I do well. This shouldn't be a problem for me considering grades have always been important to me, and I myself would like to succeed as best I can. The bribe, however, is the problem. I'm cracking, although that term doesn't quite seem to fit my feelings. Dissolving in a container of sulfur dioxide seems to better fit the description. Everything engulfs you at once and slowly eats you away. Your struck with shock and you can no longer feel the pain. You can always try and get out, but since you are dissolving, everything you aim for slips through your fingertips. I have studied numerous hours to ensure myself the proper background for each of my subjects. I go to every discussion session and can explain anything that has been taught in class or the first chapter of each book. When it actually comes to turning something in, however, minute mistakes always seem to add up. Already after the first day of class, I have messed up terribly on homework. I am incredibly stressed out and seeing the results of this assignment (though it's not for a grade nor does the professor use it for anything) made me more miserable. In fact, it actually brought me to tears. An assignment that means nothing to anyone (except obviously me) brought me to a ranting rage and then tears. I see myself as pathetic because I failed myself and because I can crack so easily. I can't say that my classes are overwhelming, though they take up from 9  7 with a one hour lunch break each day. If I had to guess, I would say that I was unsure of everything. I'm unsure of friends, family, boyfriend, classes, grades, time, money, and so much more. On top of this, I'm left for the first time in my life to attempt at juggling all of these things around at once. I'm sure it will all level out in the end and that I'll eventually get the swing of things. As of now, however, I feel like a mere speck amongst better people who are sure of so many things. I only wish I wasn't born with the disease of being manic depressive (and that my grandmother in France hadn't died last week). It only seems to complicate things. Also, as we said in class, stress can bring about depression and visaversa. Perhaps that is playing a slight role in my emotions. All I know is that it seems so much right now.
right now I am worried because I just submitted a blank form. I pressed the tab button and instead of moving the cursor it highlighted the submit button. When I started to type it send a blank assignment. Oops. I want to play football for the longhorns I watched football all day today and now I am ready to take the field. My stomach is about to burst. The never ending pasta bowl at The Olive Garden is hurtin me. The Astros won their tenth in a row. Sosa didn't hit any homers. This might be one of the weirdist assignments I have ever had. I wish the tests were like this. I would have an A. Writing for this class has caused me to remember how to beat the lie detector test. Squizing the sphincter has got to be the way to go. My roomate was hit on by a homosexual this weekend. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it made him feel a little aukward. I am way behind in all of my classes. I am writing this on the day before the extended due date. I have to read so many chapters in every class I think my eyeballs are going to fall out. My chest itches. I am tired of typing and I still have twenty more minutes on the second writing assignment to finish. It is about eleven forrty five at night and I am ready to sleep on my concrete bed. It is negative thirty in my room. I wake up with a runny nose every mourning. My breath stinks. It smells like Italian food. Our waiter tried to make conversation with us tonight. He ask where we went to school and if we played sports. We told him that we were freshman at UT and that we lost our scholorships due knee injuries. He started to laugh and replied with " yeah, I remember high school, playing sports and smoking joints!"  High class service. Times up.
I just got back from your class, so I decided that I should start to type this paper. I am very happy with my classes, even though I feel like they are going to be rather difficult this year, especially my Calculus class. I have a hard time understanding what my professor is saying. I end up have to go home and teach myself most of the information. Well that's enough about school. I just thought about my exgirlfriend. I have very strong emotions about her. I know that she was my first love. But I also am so mad at sometimes. We had talked about me going off to college and we knew that it probably would work about, so we decided that we would date other people. From my experience this really does work out. The first girl that I dated after her was a girl from my waiting job in New Braunfels. I decided that I should tell my exgirlfriend, whose name is Genie, about the girl. This was a very big mistake. Genie came to the restaurant where I worked and caused a big scene. But this isn't the only thing that makes me mad. Things are totally different now that we decided to see other people. We don't get along and we can't talk to each other. I think women need to just make up their mind. They all act like want this perfect gentlemen that does everything for them, but when the actually get that they don't know how to treat it. Usually the go to far and try to take advantage of it and then the guy starts to despise the girl. I don't really wish that things were back the way they were, I just wish that we could still get along. I really miss talking to her. She was a person that I could tell everything to and still feel comfortable about doing so. I am lucky though, because I have a sister that I am very close to. She also goes to UT and she has been a very big help with getting me settled in here in Austin. She only lives a couple of blocks away from me and she is there for me whenever I need anything, as I am for her. This is my freshman year and I am already dreaming that college would be over. It isn't that I don't enjoy Austin or College, it is just that I am tired of school. I wish that there could be a step in your life that you could just skip, but that is impossible. I would love to just be able to be settled in to a good paying job, but since that will never happen I am prepared to work now to enjoy the benefits later.
There are many things that have been bothering me lately. I feel as if I have been betrayed by those that should be absolutely loyal. It is sad that people must always interfere in the things that make you happy. It is as if other people sense when you are content and are trying to steal your happiness out from under you. I have made many new friends that I know will be there for me for many years to come. I feel as if I am part of a sacred family that always supports and protects those that it calls its own. Well, that family has just been defiled by the actions of one. Even though I am not perfect myself, by any means, I always try to do my best when it comes to keeping promises. I am afraid to see what may come of this action. The consequences could be severe indeed if we are found to be guilty of this false accusation. I do not understand what could possess another person to want to place his family in jeopardy just for the sake of conversation. I am deeply saddened by this recent turn of events and I hope and pray that everything will work itself out and that my family will survive and be able to grow into the future. I am prepared to accept the consequences of the actions of my brothers; that is what makes us a family. We have already grown beyond the notion of selfishness and are prepared to assist our family members in any situation, even if it means that we will suffer greatly for actions that were not ours to commit. This new family means the world to me. After leaving my home I felt alone and afraid until I found a group of friends so loyal and so trustworthy that I immediately felt at home again. I will do anything to see that my new family is not harmed or defiled in any way. I believe that it is necessary to have a strong support group to succeed, not only as a student, but as a human being. I am prepared to lay down my selfish tendencies for the good of my family. It is the least I can do. I love my new family as much as my old family. I refuse to see it be destroyed.
It's crazy to think here I am in a different city, a new room with new things everywhere. I am now a college student. During high school I couldn't wait for it and now that I'm here I feel out of place. Sure, I know plenty of people from high school along with a list of people whose names I no longer remember, and I stay busy doing all sorts of things, but it is not what I expected. The classes are so big, but is that not what you hear about every school, especially UT. I have not had the success I had I hoped to in meeting people, being the sociable person that I am, I expected it to come easier. I tell myself to give it more time, develop a routine, and things will get better. Everyone says get involved and you will meet more people. It makes me wonder if I should have rushed, though I do not see myself as a sorority girl. It seems as though everyone who pledged a sorority or fraternity is having such a great time. Are they really paying for friendships? I do not think I would have fit in to such a place. I just hope that by going to church groups and other small organizations that I will meet some people with whom I really enjoy hanging with. I am looking forward to my freshmen seminar that begins next Monday. With 30 people in the class, I know I will get to know some of the other students. I never thought I would admit to being homesick, but it is true. Though no one wants to admit it, we all miss home a little bit. However, when we are there we tend to hate it. Isn't it funny how that works? I have also decided that Austin is a city full of beautiful people. Everywhere I look, goodlooking boys and girls. It definitely has both disadvantages and advantages. I enjoy looking at the guys, yet there is so much competition at parties. Should I really care all that much what people at a frat party think of me? Well, I do and it definitely does not do much for one's selfesteem. I believe I am finding competition in everything. Whether it's who was at the gym longer, who studied the most, who had a better meal at dinner, who drank the most last night, or who's going to more parties, there is a definite sense of competition in everything between the people I know. The people I went to high school with. The people whom I now want to separate myself from. Another thing I have noticed is how sleepy I always am. Here I am at 12:22 writing this when I am insanely tired. But why go to sleep, when I do not have a class until 2 tomorrow. There are also a lot of sick people around. The allergies are much worse here than almost anywhere I have been. I have had a cough and a cold since I've been here. It seems like I have so many problems, but I know that there are many people who would die to be in shoes. That is a good feeling, to be in a place where others want to be. I know I need to give things time and make the best of what I have.
Wow! I cant believe that Brian still hangs around here. That idea about the red churches in England is really outrageous. The queen will never go for it. Anyway it was random of me to have seen him. I havent seen him since Joe played. Our power went out at the dorm and it really sucks. I waned to this assignment there but I obviously couldnt. The rain today was so random. It was sunny then light again. My dorm seems o be the only one that lost power though. This keyboard is sticky and I don't like it very much. I cant wait till the weekend. At least I donut have too much work to do immediately. Most of it is due Tuesday. That boy is sooo cute. I donut understand why all of the cute ones are jerks 99 percent of the time. Can we say Josh?  He totally ignored me at that party but he e-mailed Ilse for my number What's up with that? Jerk. I wish he would just make it easier on he both of us and just give me a call. Hello it's not that hard. I hope I meet some new guys soon cause these sure arent doing the job, I wouldnt mind seeing Jordan again. He is sooooo hot. However I know that I could never have a good relationship with a boy like that. Shit, I couldnt even hold Steven's attention. Then again he's a jerk. Anyway, I wonder how the boys are doing in apartment life. I just donut see them all living out on their own. I wonder how James and Julie are doing at A&M ?  They should be coming down for a weekend soon enough. I guess Adi would call me if she's planning to come back any time soon. it is really convenient having been from here. I already know my way around and I know so many people. it is awesome. I cant believe my roommate was so loud last night when I was obviously trying to sleep. That is totally inconsiderate and she knows that I have an eight oclock. I'm never loud when I have to get up at seven in the freakin morning, I feel like I should be loud sometime just to get my point across,  I donut want to be rude to he though because I have to live with her a whole year and I might as well make the most of it Anyway my twenty minutes is over so I'm out.