I really miss all of my people back home. I really miss kim I wish she would take me back. I miss having her around to hold me and make me feel happy. I really really miss being happy. I can't seem to do it on a regular basis without her. why did she break up with me. I still realy don't understand. I was very good to her. lacey said I was her favorite out of all of kims boyfriends. seems like that says something. but I guess not. were still broken up and I don't see that changing any time soon. excpet I wonder what that big long letter was going to be about. I find that very interesting. could she have written about how much she misses me and wants me back. who knows, hell, I may never know and thats the problem. I really want to know. I want her to be honest with me about everything that goes through her mind about me. I would love if she would just write down every thought she ever has about me and just tell me. that would make things so much easier for me. it may hurt sometimes, but at least I would know. that would make me feel a lot better. I really hope she writes me back to tell me what that letter said. it bothers me that I can't know. I wish she wouldnt have even told me that she had written that damn thing. now its going to be on my mind all the time. at least until she tells me what it said or at least what it was about. thats all I want to know. I want to know if it said she wanted to get me back, or if she never wanted to talk to me again. I think she still wants to talk to me cause I know she cares about me. lacey told me that, and I know that. but I just want to know what it said. and I want to know what kathryn was talking about when she said that brad and john said they were talking about how I stalked kim. when could I have done that??  I was out of town, so its pretty impossible that I could have stalked someone 800 miles away. I wonder if kim thinks that I stalk her. I don't know how she could think that. its really silly to think that someone would think that. but kathryn said that brad may have told her that just to make her happy. why would it make kathryn happy that I stalk kim, even though I don't. I guess cause now kathryn knows that someone hurt me as bad as I hurt them. oh well, forget that idea. kathryn and I are friends now so it shouldnt matter that I got hurt by kim. it should make kathryn sad when I am sad. I know it does cause she told me when she called me to see how I'm doing. so I know that brad was lying now. kim never thought I was stalking her. if she did why would she still talk to me. I just wish that when she talks to me she would say that she wants me back. just like in that damn song. "when I go fishing for the words I am wishing you would say to me I'm really only praying that the words youll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me" yeah thats how it is for me. since I think she doesn't want me back yet. it would be such a good thing if she did. even though I would see her about once a month and we are 150 miles apart. oh well. cest la vie. I could deal with that just to know that she is committed to me. thats all I really want from her. I just want to know that she is committed to me. this sucks royal ass that shes probably out running around with hundereds of guys, and I'm here being miserable. if I ever found out that she was I would just go crazy. I wouldnt be able to deal with that at all. that would push me over the edge, like I'm not close enough already. even now that I'm here all I do is think about her. I've thought about her too much. I should be trying to find someone here that I can be like that with bt I really can't. I wouldnt mind meeting that vollyball player that alex was telling me about. she sounds really cool. if it was her that I saw today with that coach then shes really hot. and shes a christian too, so that would help me if she was. plus she lives a lot closer than kim or wendy or julie or erica. that would make things so much easier on me. I would really like to fall for this girl. then I could get my mind off of kim. if she doesn't come back to me, then I need to get my mind off her. but its too hard. I loved her too much. I still do. thats what sucks so much. but what can I do. not a thing in the world. I can love her all I want but if she doesn't love me then its all worthless. that bothers me to death. this is my first day of class and all I can think about is her. I liked my classes today. I have homework in every one of them. I should be thinking about that, but I'm still thinking about her. thank god my time is almost up on this thing. my wrists are getting tired. and my fingers too. this is really ridiculous. but I do see the point in it though. times up. bye