ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
At the moment, the only thing that is going through my mind is how I will make it through college if I remain a procrastinator. Thus, I am completing this assignment because I feel that I need to make changes in my study habits. Moreover, I need to succeed at UT because I cannot afford to let my parents down. My parents have worked exceptionally hard to obtain their current status; it would be a total waste of their time and my time and of course, a total waste of money if I fail in college. Thus, failing is not possible. Occasionally, I ponder whether or not my parents see me as a failure. At times, I feel, as though, I am a failure because I am constantly being compared to my older brother. Everything that I do is not good enough and that I should be more like my brother; I guess one could say that I am always in my brother's shadow. Moreover, it is not only my parents that make the comparisons, but my aunts and uncles also make similar comparisons to other family children. Because they do this, I constantly feel depressed for short periods of time. In order to cope with this, I am apt to finding companionship and understanding through several short love relationships. Each of these "flings" can be sought as a substitute for happiness. However, I am now more knowledgeable about stuff like that because I know that these relationships are fun and all, but this relationships only make things worse. Not to mention that they only help you obtain temporary happiness. There is one thing good that has come of these experiences; I believe that I have found happiness with another. She makes me happy in all aspects of life and she actually seems to care about me for who I am and not someone else. When I am around her, she encourages me spiritually whether or not she does it intentionally. Surprisingly enough, she actually understands me without having me to explain anything; I guess you can say she's my soul mate, but there is one thing I am sure of, I love her with all my heart. In fact, she has been the only girl I have actually told that I love her and actually meant it. Just thinking about it at the moment makes me smile.
Well hello, it is not that late but it feels that way, I wonder what is awaiting me in the jester mail room. a package, a big one at that from my mother. "some thing for you to hold on to" she says. what might that be?  a teddy bear. I hope it is something interesting. now I am so excited I can not slleep. well this and also the fact that I slept for 3 hours this after noon and missed psychology. thank goodness I checked my e-mail, which is a rarety. I'm becoming stressed with calculus, devil class, I will fail and if I do I will take an easy summer course at home and pass with no stress, should be doing homework, this is homework!!!! this homework is fun I could get used to this, but it would be better is someone was listening. listening listening, should I be listening to my inner voice saying to drop out of school because it is too hard for the likes of me??? I will just have to work harder than the average bear   bear, how funny ,  teddy bear, I wander what my package is. is brian going to come to see me this weekend with my family, do I want him to  he will say no, I bet. that is just him  I wander if my typing is keeping tina awake. I doubt it ,  there is sunshine every where on campus no rain no rain anywhere on campus  why it is dry here, calculus chemistry calculus chemistry hate calculus love chemistry hate calculus hate calculus I wish that I didnt have to take this stupid useless math clas I don't need it at all  I am in love with someone who is in love with me he is going away to the navy and I want to stay with him but he is affraid of being dumped by me, by me byme, but I care somuch for him why would I evere dump him, I wouldn't iwouldn't never!!!!!! I am as sure as I could be at this point in life life that is forced forcing me to go to school to be affraid to lose what I reallywant, what anyone really wants is obsolete who cares waht you want!!!!!!!  its what you have to do no matter what the cost, your sanity, who cares one more mentally instable person join the club the prozac club, the zoloft club, the effexor club, did I mention that pre-pharmacyis my major the major that occupies this forced atmosphere, not physically but mentally my own mental judge pushing pushing pushing my self no one else has made this impossi\ble only myself my mind, foam club tomarrow in bikini to get in free, is this fun I'm excited I hope my so-called friend decides to take a few more people so-called not = to negative meaning only question of the true meaning of friend I want to be perfect in every single way humanly and inhumanly possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! put me in an experiment!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wander if I will go to psychology today. I don't feel like it since my car is in the shop today. I still need to go to the bank and return the DVD player. Should I exchange it or get my money back since I don't have much money. At least I don't have to go to work. I can't wait until I graduate only one more year. Oh yeah I have to do some reading today but I am having trouble concentrating. My thumb is hurting from typing. I think it is mainly from my old job but typing is aggravating it. I guess my thoughts are drying up because I am trying to write but I normally can't stop thinking about stuff. I really want to go to Italy but Loly is saying we don't have money. oh well we will see. She is frustrating because she is not focused on her future. I just want us to be done with school as soon as possible. I can't wait until I start working I hate not having enough money. I probably need another job now because I only work about 10 hours a week. when I get back I need to put my car for sale. It better not take to long in the shop like last time. I'm getting tired of this writing. I really need to get my stuff together so I don't fall behind in my reading but most of the reading is really boring. psy is kind of interesting but architecture and accounting, two classed I like are boring to read. Ill be glad when I only have a job and not a job and school. it should be fun to go home this week but I wont go back for a long time today. I'm tired of hearing about those damn firestone tires. I should invest in stock. the tv is on that's why I'm rambling. Morgan is going to be bought by chase Manhattan. I new I should have bought their stock. But no money to back it. c'est la vie I don't know if I spelled that right but oh well. well I'm just about done and none to soon. I wander what I will do tonight I'm not going to psy today. today was a lazy day. well see you next assignment. have a nice day.
Right now I am feeling kind of loney because I haven't really talked to anybody for about 6 hours. I'm not the kind of person who usually keeps to myself. I am very social, but with the size and and stress of college life, making friends is kind of the last thing you want to think about. Even if you do make friends sometimes you never really keep in touch with them. I'm guessing that I'm not the only one to feel like this beacause every day as I walk from class to class I see hundreds of other students walking by themselves and I can only guess that they too feel lonley at some point in the day. Also, I;m starting to think that college life isn't what I expected to be. In a way it is kind of easy because there are no eight hour class days for most people like in high school, but because of the size of some of my classes I don't really get the kind of personal attention I would get in high school. all the time I hear music in my head. It can range from something I just heard on MTV a couple of hours ago to some classical music or something we played in my high school band. Music is a big part of my life. In high school I was in the band for four years and other than making me a better player, it also made me more social and open with my feelings. I wanted to get into band over her at UT, but I never auditioned. I didn't think I was ready. I didn't think that I would be on the level of the rest of the members, and that fear was partly why I never tryed out. I want to try out next year but I have no instrument to practice on because it is too expensive to purchase. I don't consider my lonliness to be a bad thing because I'm not really sad. While in college I learned that sometimes you need your own time to just relax and think to yourself. All in all I'm happy with the way my life is going because I know that in the future college will pay off.
I have watching Comedy Central for the past hour or so. The program involved people getting paid not to laugh while listening to comedians. If I were one of those people paid not to laugh, I wouldn't pay attention to the actual words the comedians was saying. Listening to the skit would most likely make me laugh, so I would think of something else. I would discuss with myself something really boring, so as not to laugh. Speaking of boring, I received two letters today from my boyfriend. He was talking about being bored in class. He attends A&M, the idiot. My parents don't know he's my boyfriend. They think he's just my best friend since that's what we were all last year. My sister, whose computer I'm using, doesn't know either. I hope she doesn't read anything I'm writing here. If she did, I'm not so sure she wouldn't tell my parents. My mother loves my boyfriend, but I don't think she or my father would let me visit him at A&M if they knew he was more than just my friend. Otherwise, I would love to tell them. They would be so happy for both of us, seeing as how they love him. I just want to be able to have him visit me and me visit him without my parents wondering why we're visiting each other. Plus, my parents are quite protective. I don't know how their attitudes towards him would change if they knew. All of my past boyfriends have been introduced to them only after we became boyfriend and girlfriend. My past boyfriends were very different from my current boyfriend. Their outlook on life, intelligence level, looks, interests, and families were exact opposites from his. He's exceptionally smart, and I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend. He loves Einstein, his theories, and computers. My old boyfriends loved roller blading, and non-intelligent ways of spending an evening, if you know what I mean. My boyfriend actually listens when I talk to him. He will also talk if I ask him a question. He doesn't lie to me, which is a big change. In fact, we spend most of our time together just talking about differing interesting things. You would think we would run out of things to say, but there is always more. We've had these talks for at least nine months and still have more to talk about. I can actually see spending the rest of my life with him. I can't believe I just said that. I never thought I'd be able to say that about anyone. Wow, I'm impressed. He's one of the closest things to my heart. It's weird actually talking about this. For the longest time, I didn't want anyone that close. Now it's kind of comforting. Oh boy, I have been typing for quite a while now. Sorry. Bye, and have fun reading this and delving into my soul.
I'm somewhat in question with the purpose of this assignment. I'm in a hurry, with places to go and things to do; once again I leave things to the last moment. My 20 minutes will be up and then I will find myself fleeing out the door to make my next objective of the day. Duty from 13, and then the notsoceremonious, colors ceremony. I wonder who codes the script for these pages. Is it Dr. Pennebaker himself who makes the web pages for his own classes; I doubt that all the professors are even somewhat proficient in HTML, needless the mention all the complicated CGI scripts that must be involved with all these online forms. So long as you have a working understanding of how CGI/Java/html works, with an updated WYSIWYG web page creator, it is not all too difficult to create and publish your own web page. My topic flows from one to another as quickly as the minutes roll by while typing this assignment. The lectures of this class are interesting, even entertaining (imagine that), though I'm worried on the difficulty of the test. We have covered a great deal of material from the book, most of which was only very vaguely covered in class. Most of the concepts so far are somewhat familiar to me. I took psych my junior year in High School with a very good teacher. He used every moment that was allocated in his classes to make sure we absorbed as much knowledge as possible. He was dedicated to his work, and would compel us to be dedicated to ours. This is of course Friday, and while I was supposed to be free after noon today, I find that my ROTC obligation will keep me occupied at least until 1700. I'm beginning to realize just how much time this is taking up from me; it will be a struggle to maintain any academic performance that I have begun in my classes. I have taken either tests or exams in all but this class. The computers are down so I don't know what my grade is yet, and I don't have enough time to check with the correction sheet on the website to calculate my grade myself. Well, my twenty minutes is almost up, just a few more to go. I haven't really written much, nor has my writing kept any cohesive thought or substance to it, but I suppose that's what's to be expected from something like this. I don't know what this is supposed to convey about me or my personality, but whatever it is, I probably wouldn't want to know anyway. And now I'm off to finish the rest of my day.
So I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with this. just typing I guess. Damn aim. No one ever wants to instant message me until I start doing something. There are so many times when I am just sitting here playing on the computer and doing nothing really, and no one wants to talk. The minute I start doing something productive, there is like five people trying to talk to me at once. All that typing and its only been two minutes. I have no idea what to type. Can your mind really go blank?  I mean, I want to use the expression right now, my mind is blank, because I'm not really thinking about anything, but obviously I'm thinking about something because I am typing this stuff. So my mind really isn't blank then. So I guess your mind doesn't really ever go blank. My roommate is funny. I keep picturing her when I walked in the door from class earlier. She was asleep on the couch but she had the pillow on her face. How someone can sleep with a pillow on their face is beyond me. Its looked so funny though. I should have took a picture. I'm really sleepy already and its only going to be seven o'clock in the evening. I am still not used to this getting up early for class stuff. Ah. The new real world is on tonight. I absolutely love watching that show. All the drama. Its interesting to watch. Its kind of sad though I think, the way people love to watch reality shows. I mean, they are not really a true picture of reality. They film for hours and hours and hours, but the show itself is usually only a half hour episode, and they usually only run for a few months, once a week. Can u imagine how much film ends up on the "cutting room floor" as they call it. All the drama and stuff is pretty much made up by producers if you think about it. If not made up completely at least embellished. And its all because of editing. Birthday. Someone on TV just said the word birthday. I'm so excited. My birthday is a week from tomorrow. Yeah!  but I also have my dad's birthday next week and my boyfriend's too. And I have no idea what to get them. Actually what to get my boyfriend. My dad is easy. A gift certificate for tools or golf stuff and he is happy. My boyfriend. I don't know. He already has plenty of cologne (did I spell that right?) so I don't want to get him that. And I always buy him clothes. I want to get him something different this time but I have no idea what. And he is going to be 21. Lucky. Everyone is leaving me behind. I am the youngest of a lot  of my friends. So now they can all go out to the bars. Without me. So sad. I still have a whole year to go. Bleh I hate waiting. Bleh. Is that a word? I type it a lot on aim. Its my way to say yucky or boring or I don't know. I heard it from somewhere though. I can't remember where. Ha-ha. My roommate is up. I wonder if she knows she was sleeping with a pillow on her face. Because it fell off when I came in. Bleh. I am not looking forward to waking up early tomorrow again. I think we should have a fall break. kind of like spring break. I need my rest. Its only the third week of school and I'm already so exhausted. I need a break.
I am thinking about an email I just read. It's from a friend from a      kickboxing class. He was giving me a hard time, Which is fine because I make fun of him too. He's a pretty funny guy but I am really trying to come up with a good joke to really bust his chops. I am also thinking about  how depressed everyone is today, being September 11th and all. I wonder how Sept. 11th will be in like 50 years. I also wonder how long it will take for it to get into student's text books. I hope they don't do the same thing that they did for Pearl Harbor and Titanic, and make a love story out of it. That's rediculous, there is more to it than some guy going off to work while his wife is at home and his lover is at his secret apartment. I bet a lot of people will be angry if someone manages to come up with one. I would hate to be President Bush now. He has some tough decisions to make. Half of the country says: Kill 'em all! While the others are screaming:   PEACE.   No matter what, someone will not get what they want. Even in the West Mall today, there are tons of people speaking their opinion, showing signs and passing out ribbons. But it's not totally black and white. I think there is a grey area. Some people say war and some say peace, but I think we can find some in-between. Killing innocent children isn't a good idea but we have to stand up for ourselves if we want this to stop. I don't know. . I don't like talking about politics or religion. Too much controversy. Everyone is too stubborn to see the sides of others. I am also thinking about when I was here in the computer lab yesterday. Some girl started crying really loud in the hallway. It was just like out of the movies. None of us knew what was going on. Some people got up and went to see, which (although curious myself) I thought was rude. I went to my kickboxing class last night. It really makes me feel self-confident. Learning those moves last night was a lot of fun. Why isn't the time and minutes thing doing anything? I am afraid that I will have to do this all over again. I am looking around the room and noticing that just about everyone here is checking their email. I guess no one does work on computers!!!  I like coming in here to check my email but I always feel like someone is reading what I am typing behind me. If they want to know so bad, they should just ask. I am very tired. I went to bed late, and slept through my alarm. But somehow I still made it to my 9:00 class. Barely! That class is fun. Learning sign language is very important I think. Just as important as learning Spanish or French or something. Going to the social events will be sort of weird though. Since I am not very good at signing, I will pretty much be a wall flower.
I feel kind of alone. I feel like I can't trust as many people as I use to. The people I trust are miles from me. I miss them. I miss talking to them everyday. Even though we still keep in touch it's not the same. I miss my hometown. I miss playing highschool basketball. College is going to be hard for me because I never study and when I do Study I can't study that long because I get tired because tired. It feels like my life is just beginning because I'm experiencing new things. I wonder if I'm going to meet the perfect girl up here. I'm kind of scared of this assignment because I don't know if I am doing it right but I think I am. I need a haircut because my hair is starting to get shaggy. I like getting haircuts. I'm tired but that's nothing unusual because I 'm always tired. I think I'm going to visit my home town this weekend. I want to see a good movie because I haven't seen one in a while. My eyes are starting to hurt because I have to stare at the keys hard.
I always have a million thoughts going on in my head but now that I am asked to write about them, I can't. I wonder where the printers are. its already 7:40. its so quiet in here. I wonder if this girl next to me knows where to print. it looks like she's buisy. this keyboard is dirty, the keys are hard to press. I shouldn't have thrown away my smoothie. its so dull in here. its already getting dark. I hope I'm spelling okay. I can't wait until tomorrow. "and I love you, and its more then I ever knew. " (I'm singing in my head). its too quiet, like we're not allowed to talk, its kind of depressing. I'm so glad I learned to type. I hope I can download my calculus homework on this computer. I hope I understand it. this weekend I go home. but the best part is going to be the six hour drive with my boyfriend. he's great. and I love him more everyday. I hope this feeling lasts. I would love to marry him, in like 6 years. he's great and we're great together, I miss him. I just saw him yesterday but I miss him. I'm hungry. I think ill take dinner up to my room and socialize with my roommate. I wonder what I'm going to eat today. I had a sandwhich yesterday. I should eat something hot. hmm. I guess I could have chicken strips. or vegetables. oo, and a salad. is that how you spell oo. oh, eww, uh, oo. ? oh well. now its 7:48. I wonder if I need glasses? this watch is bothering me. ah, there. my foot hurts so much. I wonder when the swelling will go down. I should email my dad. I hope my string doesn't come off. I forgot to put my rings back on. I hope I don't lose them. tomorrow I have an easy day, and I get to see fili. yah. yeh. ya. whatever. my head hurts. I should eat. what did I eat today. cereal. soup. hmm. I should eat dinner after this. I have so much reading to do. but its labor day weekend, so ill do a little bit each day and then finish this weekend. wow, my time is almost up. I hope I'm doing this right. hmm. I think so. I wish I could gain weight, well in certain places more then others. now someone else is sitting next to me. hmm. its so weird how there are so many oriental students here, its almost as if they are the majority. but that can't be right. it must just seem that way. there are so many people and I don't know any of them. someones chair keeps squeaking. oh, I need to sign up for those informal classes. what is that ringing. I don't think cell phones are allowed in here. I need to write a letter to danny. I wonder if hanna plays this weekend. I know they do. but where? hmm I need to find out, but soon. I wonder if I should tell my parents about me going home this weekend or just surprise them. I don't know which one is better or worse. oh well. that chair squeaked again. I don't see any printers. hmm. I should stop looking around, people are looking at me funny. its almost eight. I need to read. I wonder if the timer goes past twenty minutes or if it keeps going. well that answers my question.