i wonder if kyle will call. he lies all the time kyle listening to music reminds me about kyle, about our relationship about how good it was, he used to be so sweet, kissing me and i know that he really did love me at one time, why has everything changed, why does he still tell me he loves me but acts mean to me, i hate that he tells me i shoudldnt go out and party and have fun because he does it too, he gets involved with others while i just window shop at guys, im just not attracted to some of the gusy here, they are morons, they have money stuck on their minds along with sex. i don't feel pretty enough for some of the nice guys that i do meet, i have gained sooo much weight in the last two years, fat. i feel so fat, i can't wear anything anymore because it looks so terrible, i used to feel pretty and normal back home where i everyone seemed to love me, I've been so homesick, i miss my granny and janie and kyles family. i worry about tara back home, if shes making the right decisions if she really will go to college, i at least want her to go to kc i don't want her to end up like everyone else in kilgore, they end up working at some department store making minimum wage and haveing five babies and getting on food stamps. shes better than that. i love her and want her to not end up my mom. i hate my mother. she has to be the worst person ever to just leave me behind, to leave me like i don't matter, to not come to my graduation, to not try to see me to leave me for a man that she doesnt love. she was so wrong to my dad. i wish she would go to prison and i hate her so much. i can't be like her i can't end up like her. i will never hurt my children when im a mom. i will be a good mother. a mom who plays tea party and who devotes her life to them. they will be my world. i wonder if ill marry kyle, i wonder if he will be the father of my children. i hate not knowing how he feels. he pisses me off. he says he loves me and at time i really think he does but then  he treats me like shit too. i wish i could say no to him but it always seems so impossible. i love him. everything reminds me of him. every conversation i have involves his name everything i hear or see reminds me of the good times we had. we were in love. a guy just doesnt do the stupid things he does. but then why did he have to reverse all that. why did he date that trish when he left to go to college, we were together and he dated her and i really don't trust him. hes nothing but a big mystery to me. what is it about him, what is missing that i don't know about. i feel like hes hiding something really really bad from me. he used to scare me when he said hes involved in the mafia. i believe him some of the time. its weird how everything he says is right. hes so weird. kyle is reallly really weird. i want to go see him. i want him to take me to a football game. i wonder why he liked me. i was five years younger than him. a baby compared to him. he never had a girlfriend until me. not a serious one anyway, just girls that he played and used. what made him fall in love with me. what makes him have control over me. i let him. everythihng he does is my fault becuase i let him do it. i let hime make me feel bad but i don't know how to get away from that. i feel like hes the only person in this world that knows everything about me. everything and hes the only one that understands everything i do and have been through. i miss him. i hate him too. i really want to cry this music im listening to is so damn depressing. bryan adams. romantic music. this reminds me of back home. i miss kilgore, i hated it when i left and now i miss it. its small but a good town. im ready to go to homecoming. i wonder if ill have any attention. i used to remember the college kids coming hnome for the first time and how cool it was. i wonder if people will be happy to see me. i wonder if they will think i look different. freshman fifteen surely not in a month. its alcohol. i think i drink too much. i miss riding by myslef with a case on the backroads back in kilgore. those were the days.