well, today was ok in te beginning, I met lucy for our first class and we sat together we pretty much spent most of the day together I just didn't realize how easy it was to spend time with someone new. she is just someone who's easy to get a long with  but after walking around campus for a million years we came to jester to check out the learnsing skills center and there was so much stuff there to help us study and do homework for cal and chem. the lady there was so nice and helpful, the trip was really worthwhile. I tried to buy stamps from the vending machine, but it just wouldn't take my money. I had to go back and forth too many times. finally I bought some out of the other machine where I didn't get ot chose which stamps I wanted which kinda pissed me off. then we went to dobie to visit karen and christy. while we were there I had fun. but then my ankle started hurting a lot and I guess I just walked on it too much. we went to eckerds to get my pictures and a lot of them look good. I was kinda mad that the pictures of the flowers and such I took got messed up and I can't retake them. oh well. I was kinda scared walking all the way back to kinsolving because ppl could see my injured ankle and someone could've just come up and assaulted me. at the time, I was kinda hoping someone would cause there's just so much stuff here that's depressing. when I got home, I was about to cry cause I was thinking again about how no one comes over here to visit me. I mean, who are my real friends (that is if I have any) they're so lazy they can't even come over here to visit. no one really calls me either. I just don't know how to describe it cause I know if I REALLY wanted to talk to them I could just call, but well, no one really calls me. it's just frustrating cause while erin's out all these ppl always call and when she's over she's on the phone so much and she goes out every night. i know I don't need to go out and be on the phone all the time, it's just that it's really lonely not hving anyone over here all the time to keep me company. maybe if erin and I were more talkative or she was home more often. i don't know, it's just weird. what am I supposed to do about stanley? I mean, I actually would've gotten into a relationship with  him even though I know it'd just be physical, but sometimes that's what I need. the touch of someone who cares. but I guess stanley doesn't really care. he just was thinking of himself and how he needed to satisfy his urges. it's not fair! it's not fiar at all that I have to be here alone when I see so many ppl on the outside who have b/f and g/f and they don't really look like they deserve them. I don't know where to go f/ here cause I feel so lonely a lot and no one can really understand how I feel. crying right now. i don't even feel as though god understands or can hear how troubled I am. i just wish that there was someone who REALLY cared, someone who'd ALWAYS be here for me. but it's like I can't REALLY count on anyone. everyone has their own life. and it's always about them. i don't like being alone. if I just killed myself, I could end all this, but I don't want to. but I do. i need to find out what the future will be like. even if I never find someone who appreciates me, if I can just somehow find some happiness. just a little. go one day where I don't cry or think about being lonely. just a little something. it's not fair. what do I do? it's hard to go on each day trying to endure the battles that come with  each day. trying to face the hardships. if only I could do what I really wanted to do. scrapbooks and drawing and painting have money to do what I wanted to. build my dream house. design it, oversee the construction. one day. that's my dream. to have a wonderful house to live in. where I can go to find myself at peace. a weight room, sauna, spa, pool, greehouse, huge living room with  a giant entertainment center, huge bedroom and bath, huge windows. a painting art room, dojo, so many things I want to do. but I don't know if that will bring me happiness. how am I supposed to be happy if I can't share the big house with  someone I love. someone who loves me back. loves me as much as I love them. it's hard to think of what love is when I think that I've been there, and not been able to feel the same f/ the other person. what am I doing here anyway?? there's nothing for me now. i'm so alone. alone in this room with  no one calling me, asking me to do anything. what kind of friends do I have? no one is as considerate as me or maybe as sensitive as me. i just don't like being alone. if someone wanted to ask me out, in desperation. like donald said, being in love with  the thought of being in love. maybe that's what I've been in with  anthony. but I really thought he was the one. the one I could spend my life with . will I ever be able to fine someone to end my loneliness?