ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
I often wonder why I put so much effort into such trivial things such as looks because that can only do so far. I'm not happy with myself a lot and I run from my problems and it seems co dependence is necessity for me. college has been a wake up call and a sobering realization of how small we are. nelson mandella wrote in a speech something along the lines of "we as humans are not afraid that we can't shine but we are afraid the of the things that we can do. any I feel like the catcher in the rye writing like this . it's so random my girl sent me a tape of songs to remember her by and they are supposed to sooth but instead they keep me up because I have such vivid memories of her. I worry about not being successful and being surpassed by my friends and that they will forget about me. I moved to Texas in the middle of the summer and I was so depressed and I would look at myself and I hated the state of mind I was in and the negativity I was supporting and it was a ridiculous waste of time. I vow to make the place I'm at the best place. I bitch about so many things that are so trivial. there was an airplane crash the other day and everyone died . I can't help but think about how bad it is for those families and friends and here I was missing mine but they are certainly not dead. the people who have been directly affected by it are immersed in some tough times, and for me life is good. it's crazy how things work like that. I tried keeping a journal ,but I can't keep up with it very well so far, I can't wait to play lacrosse ,it has become such a big part of my life. every morning I wake always wishing I could sleep , but at night I always stay up, I wonder if a good philosophy to live life by is to say live everyday like the next day you going to get hit by a bus. it interests  me to talk to my parents and older adults to ask what they would have done differently if they could go back because it makes you realize how fast life goes by. my dad was so smart and I feel so much pressure to live up to him but he would kill me if he knew some of the things I've done, sometimes I feel ashamed but on the other end it is learning from mistakes. well this was interesting , I can't wait till the weekend, till christmas and till Tuesday when lacrosse starts.
Ok twenty minutes. what am I going to do tomorrow night?  What am I going to do tonight I've got lots of work to do. Man, there's lots to do and little time to do it in. I can't  wait, till I finish this. only. too much time left. What else, to write about. I have no stream of consciousness. ok, it's great to be next door to the RA, there's always a party next door, it  makes it easier to study that way. what else, what else. Ive got lots to do  tonight. what else. Austin, cool place. my roommates studying, thats what I've got to do. I wish I had a TV. it gets so boring at night. Ive got to call my girlfriend, man I miss her. . boy Im tired. this doesn't look like a lot of writing for. . 6 minutes. only six minutes. that means there's fourteen minutes left. I've got a real impressive stream of consciousness, and Im a good speller too  Fish think better than I do. what else. uh. I've got to go to the store buy  some food. go work out tomorrow. am I almost done yet. nooo. lots more time left  A guy in a coma, probably has a better stream of consciousness. what do I need to do tomorrow. I think Im going to apply for a credit card. why not?  man Im hungry. ten minutes left. halfway through. psychology. I hope this class will be interesting. it's a lot different than I thought it would be, all we do is fill out surveys about stuff. Oh well,, Im not looking forward to doing these experiment/research requirements. But it's gotta be better than writing a paper  I guess he paper is used as an alternative, because they know nobody will want to write a paper. and they want everybody to participate in the experiments seven minutes left  UT, UT, there's a game on Saturday, Im gonna have to get my tickets tomorrow before  they're all out. I don't want to sit all the way up at the top. my first game, can't wait, gonna be cool. Im glad I didn't go to Aggieland five minutes and counting. What else. chemistry. Ive got too much to do English. she assigned over one hundred pages of reading in two days. Chemistry. calculus. way too much too think about. college is gonna be more difficult than highschool, I can already tell this. three minutes. not bad. Wow I just got e mail I wonder who it is,,, Id like to know, but I've got two minutes left. It doesn't seem like its been twenty minutes. but oh two minutes left. Im sure this is not what they wanted. but thats me twenty four hours a day  pretty sad. oh well. come on come on one minute. yes  well this has been fun, at least I've gotten it finished. alright.
You know I always wonder if I'm ever doing the right thing in life by coming to this university and not going somewhere else. I had opportunities to go to other universities but I chose to stay close to home. My parents always want it there way! They basically chose my major for me and when I wanted to change it, they became upset and really didn't want to see my face which made me upset. I want to do what my parents tell me to do but if it does not interest me and I know I'm going to stress over it, why should I bother to listen and I went with what I felt was best for me and I made the change. I always wonder how some people are so intelligent and others try so much but can't reach the level of that intelligent person based on academics. I see people trying so hard to make that A in that one class where the intelligent person doesn't take one ounce of effort to even study and this person would make a higher grade on the exam then the person who tried so hard to learn the material and study so hard on the exam. One thing which confuses me is how girls think. They're like in their own world sometimes. You try to be so nice to them sometimes and they look at you like you're the biggest IDIOT! I wish they would open up more around guys and not just talk with their girlfriends all the time. They should be able to tell their guy friends anything they tell their girlfriends. Why do the Astros suck so bad this year? They had a perfect baseball team and they're playing like a bunch of high school boys. They were recognized as favorites this season and they're ranked last in the division. They're is no excuse for being so mad especially a team so talented like the Astros. I mean if you had Bagwell, Biggio, Alou, Caminitti and other stars, wouldn't you expect your team to be good?? The rockets need to do better next year also. I can't believe they didn't pick up any free agents this summer. They could have really improved this year with all the talented free agents and they made the mistake of not picking up anyone. If they want to be really good again, they're going to have to pick up some talented free agents or they're not going anywhere and even in danger of not making the playoffs. I don't know why some teachers just don't tell us what will be on the exam. It would be so much easier to study the material but NO, they make us study everything even the non important information which really pisses of students, especially me. One thing I really love in the University are the girls. They are so damn hot! Only if I could have one of them would I show them what kind of man I really am! Its ok, one day, I will find the right one.
Ok, my thoughts for 20 min. It's 9:35 right now so I'll be done at 9:55. I feel like a moron doing this. I don't even know how to use internet. I wish Robert hurry up and come set up my Ethernet. I really need to write Katherine a letter. I bet she's mad at me since I wrote Megan and not her. Where and when and how am I going to type this up. It's only been 5 min!  15 more minutes of free thoughts. Kelly sure has been on the phone for a long time. she's always on the phone with 'T', Teresa. They always get in fights too. I wonder if it's ok for me to ask her about that guy she met in Dallas that asked her out. Probably not since she turned red and silent when Sandy pointed out her hickey. I guess I won't say anything. My hand kind of hurts now. I think alot faster than I write. I wonder if that was someone at he door just a second ago. You know, maybe I'll write up both of these assignments tonight and then type them up on different days. Nah, I don't feel like doing the college one tonight. I am such a bad typist. This would have been so much shorter if I just typed it rather than transpose my thoughts. I don't think I'll worry about spelling correctly when I do type this. Kelly is still on the phone and Robert has not come to fix my computer yet. I guess I have less power over him since he made out with some chick  on Saturday. Sexual tension can be such a powerful tool. Hmmm, what time is it? 9:50, only 5 more minutes to go. My head itches, now my nose. Ah, that's much better. I wonder if Mike really does like Sandy. It seems like it sometimes. Channing hates Mike because of it. can't believe I spilled out some of my innermost secrets to Mike and he's so rude to me sometimes. I sure do miss Nick. I wonder if he'll write me. As soon as Georgia gets my letter she'll probably send me his address. I'm not going to write to him though unless he writes me first. I really like my handwriting. It looks very similar to my mother's. What time is it now? 9:56. I'm done. I can't believe I thought such stupid things in these past 20 minutes.
Today is only the sixth official day of class, and I am already stressed out. I know that I don't necessarily have to do everything in one day, but I feel  just so overwhelmed with everything that is going on. I wish I was already set  into the swing of things and simply taking things one day at a time. I get  nervous every time I think of what possibly lies ahead. I also have to start  looking for a job. I feel I do not have the time to work, but I believe mom and dad when they say it will help me adjust better if I have set things to do. I  guess it will also help me manage my time better, possibly even help me. I mean 5-10 hours a week is not a lot and it could even be interesting depending on the type of job I could find. I can look in to this of Friday considering I only  have one class, although I seriously think I should take an extra hour or two  to simply lay down and rest. I haven't done that in a while. What else do I  have to do on Friday?  Look for a job, call home, rest, read, do homework, and  whatever else comes up. Let's see, Saturday. The game is on Saturday, so I  guess I will do game stuff most of the day and go out after the game. At least  I will be able to get off campus and breathe a little easier. So far, I guess I like it here. I mean I am having fun and enjoying myself but I just got use to  doing nothing during the summer. No reading, no calculus, no tennis, no Stu. -Co. or NHS meetings. Not to mention the constant weekend out of town tournaments. Yet, I do miss tennis. Even though it took up a lot of my time and effort, it  was always a blast. I miss the team especially, and all my close friends. I am  the only one of my closest friends that came to UT, but I guess it is all working out fine. If I went with them to college, I would be at A&M. Naah, I'm OK here. I can always call them. I miss home. I knew that I would be homesick. Even  though I like being here, I sometimes wish I was still at home, in my house, with  mom, dad, and even Lori & Angie. Gosh, I never thought I would miss those two brats this much. OH, I miss grandpa and grandma and my nanny. I need to call  her tomorrow. It's already to late. I wonder what they are all doing right now. They are all probably asleep. I'm hungry, actually just thirsty. I could really go for a big, tall glass of sweet tea with a lot of ice. I can't wait for this  weekend. Hopefully I will be able to sleep in late, or at least till 10:30 am. Going to bed very late and waking up extremely early is just not a compatible combination. My legs are so sore from all the walking I have to do every day. I'm used to jogging and walking at least 3 miles most days, but walking here is  exhausting. Uphill, downhill, up and down stairs. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I need to get everything I need ready for tomorrow, but I think I am just going to lie down and watch TV till I fall asleep. I am so tired.
I am so glad that I am finished with that stupid test for psy. Now when I finish this I can take a nap. I need to do laundry and get ready for tonight. I need to get the money that Clint and Dilen owe me to do the laundry. I am not sure what I am going to wear tonight. I am tired. I hope that we get tickets to the OU football game, I really don't want to go stand in line and wait though. I hope that Stephanie and Adam will not be mad because I didn't get the tickets. I like Adam a lot. He is a really cool guy and I am really glad that we are friends. I like to have close guy friends. Clint is cool too. although I have to admit that I found him attractive at first. He isn't hot or anything, but it is something about his personality. I know that he has a girlfriend, but I have Ryan too. I love Ryan and I wouldn't mess anything up with him for Clint. I don't like him that much. My arms really hurt from being on the computer so much. My whole body hurts from exersizing so much latly. I want to loose weight so badly. I wonder how this will be graded, I don't suppose that there is a right or wrong answer, but what if I am writing about the wrong thing. I think I over think things. I wish Ryan was here. You know I think that, but I am really not sure if he was here I would like it. I mean there is a certian degree of independence without anyone here. I think that everyone follows their path diferently than others.  I mean Ashlee is getting married. I know that I don't want to get married, but do I really want to stay with Ryan forever. I think so, but it just baffles me how I know that circumstances were different with me then I would be in a sorority and would go out and party a lot. Maybe it is good for me to not to have some of the luxuries that others have and it will let me make better decisions. I just don't understand why money makes a person. Maybe this is really steriotipical, but I think if you have money you can do a lot of the things that poorer people couldn't do. That sucks. I thought that all people are equal and God gave us all differnt abilities and in the end we are not all alike, but rich in differnt areas of our life. The more that I think about it though I am not sure that is the case. I mean maybe it is true and life isn't fair!  That would suck too by the way. I personally think that some of my frinds grew up better that me and therefore they will turn out better than me. Kiley is very introverted and wants to go home. that is one thing that I have over her. I don't want to go back to Denison. I see Austin as a second chance for me and I will break out of the social barrier that I had at home. I mean don't get me wrong, I had good parents that loved me and always gave me the best they could, but my mom wasn't as involved as others were and I think that hurt me socially in highschool. I wasn't in the popular crowd and I am not sure if I want to be.
I am very stressed out right now for several different reasons. For starters, I was half way done typing this paper when my computer messed up and everything was erased. Also, I have fake nails which makes it very difficult to type. At this moment, I am trying to write this psychology paper yet all I can think about is everything else I have to do. I wish I had a pen and lots of post it notes with me at all times because I am always thinking of things that need to be done, yet I can never seem to remember them. I am constantly bombarded with thoughts of what books I need to go buy, what sections I need to read for what class, and how I am going to pass this semester living in Castilian. It is wild and very loud which makes it very difficult to study. Also, my ex-boyfriend Derek is in the hospital. He has Multiple Sclerosis and it happens to be very bad right now. I feel so guilty because I have not had the chance to visit him since he has been admitted into the hospital. I think that my mom and I are going to send him some flowers, though. We broke up almost two months ago and he has had a difficult time excepting that fact. It makes me sad to know that he is in the hospital doing absoultely nothing while I am away at college having the time of my life. I don't want him to think I don't care about him anymore or that I have forgotten about him, but this is my own way of really moving on. Last night we had our first date dash for my sorority. I invited this guy named Jordan who lives at Castilian. He is really good looking and we had a lot of fun together last night. Usually I am intimidated by good looking guys, but for some reason I find him very easy to talk to. We also had fun dancing together which is a definate plus because I often feel self-conscious when dancing with good-looking guys. I am a little upset becuse he left me after we got back to Castilian. He told me that he was going to go talk to his friends for a few minutes and that he would be right up. Too bad he came up an hour later when we had already left. I am not even that mad though because I know he feels very bad about it. I am hoping that he invites me to Delt pledge line. I am also very excited because this guy I met and dated at camp this summer wrote me an e-mail! It may sound pathetic but I was really glad to get it. He is a lot older than I am so I was expecting him to forget about me after camp. We are planning on getting married in four years as long as "college doesn't change me. " He is a TA at OU and is one of the most interesting guys I have ever met. We share a lot of the same beliefs and have such a good time together. When I graduate from college we are going to move to a beach in Mexico together. We just sarcastically talk about that, but I wouldn't mind it being a reality!! The other night I put some closure on an event that I had needed to for years. It felt really good to do that. And now I am going to put closure on this paper because all I can think about is what I need to do and how I need to be back up at school soon so I can start getting ready for the game.
Before i came to University of Texas, I have always thought that i wanted to be a doctor. I did not know any requirements of getting into medical school. But after I came to University, I started to hear all hardships that make people give up on medical school. My major is biology. I thought that I have to have biology major to be a pre-med, yet it is not true. I can have any kind of major as long as i take all classes that are required for medical school. I want to get high GPA this semester or this year so that i can change my major to biomedical engineering. If i have that major, i would not have to worry about not getting into medical school, for they have other kinds of job even though you don't get into medical school.   Actually, if i keep my major, i do not have to worry about taking extra classes, because i need to take a lot of biology and chemistry classes to get into medical school. If i have different major than biology, i have to take more classes to get into medical school and get my degree of that major.   I think that I always have dilemma in my life, as i am experiencing right now. Even for little things like choosing between going home or staying at school.  For example, I want to go home this weekend, yet I am going to be too tired to work anything on Sunday for preparing for classes, if i go home. On the other hand, if I don't go home this weekend, i will not be able to go until all the exams are finished, which is beginning of the October.   My parents and I were separated for more than 2 years while i was in highschool in America. April of this year, finally my parents came to America to live with me. But I came to University, so we are separated again. I miss my parents very much.   Sometimes I think it is good to be separated from parents, and live by myself. It made me more a mature and independent person. It is the first step of getting in a big society as adult.   In here, no one tells me to what to do. But sometimes that makes me feel more scary. I need to manage my schedule wise and control everything that happens to me. I don't have any person to depend on besides a few friends. Friends are helpful and cheerful to me, yet i can not find same comfort from them as I used to find from my family.   I hope that I work hard everyday no matter what kind of situation I have so that i can achieve my goal that is to go to medical school and be a doctor.
Right now I am sitting at home checking my email and different things. A lot of things are running through my head. I need to read for my classes, I need to go to work, and I need to clean the house. I am interested in this psychology class and I like Dr. Pennebaker a lot. He is funny and keeps class interesting. I look forward to class and believe that I will learn a lot. My sensations at the moment include being extremely tired. I am worried about getting everything done and think that I have to much to do. I am very happy it is the weekend and am so glad I don't have class on Friday and this weekend on Monday. I am excited about this weekend because my small town is having a picnic and they are always a lot of fun. I am sorry that I will miss the UT football game against Stanford but the last one I went to was extremely hot and I was drenched with sweat. I had a lot of fun in spite of the heat though. I love the spirit of the fans and feel proud that I attend a university with so much pride and support. I love to be amidst the fans and hear the roar of the games in general. I saw so many burnt orange shirts in the stands that I couldn't believe it. It is almost solid burnt orange with an occassional white or some other color shirt. I don't need to buy any more UT clothing, etc. I have to much stuff already, but every time I go into the bookstore I buy something with UT on it. I feel sorry for whoever has to read this or check it over because it is boring and I don't even know if I am doing this right. I am just writing what I am thinking and it is turning out to be a cool assignment. I think it has been about twenty minutes so I am going to end the assignment. I enjoyed this and it helped me to write these things out. It felt like I was talking to someone who was a very good listener, even though it was a computer screen and  no one will probably read it anyway.