College? I wonder how it will be? I just started it. It seems so nice and easy going as of yet, but I wonder is it something I will enjoy and cherish for the rest of my life.         This is my first time living away from home and the ones I love and care about it. I feel the necessity to show to my peers that I'm not scared and do not miss home. But in fact i miss my home and my sister who I fought with all times. I don't know why I feel that it is important to show to others that i'am not home sick. I can't understand that part of my mind. Is it because I want to fit in the croud? Is it because I want to show others that I'm strong?           On the other hand - I love what I have been experiencing for the past week. I have experienced things I have never before. I never had to do mylaundry myself and now I do that and I find that I like doing it. I have to go to eat myself. At home the plate was always on the dinner. I feel as if I was spoiled at home and that I was given too much. Here I realize that doing things for yourself can be as much as fun when people do things for you. And that to be self-reliant does have its advantages.  I have learnt to handle things on my own. At home, if i met someone I didnt like, it was as if  I ignored them but here I realized that it is difficult to ignore 55000 other students and that you have to adjust and compromise so that you are not the one that is ignored by others . So far I can say that college has taught me more than I thought it would.          College is not the only thing on my mind. I think about my life as a hole-like how will it turn out? How will I manage to survive financially? If I will make a good living in the future? I question myself why I think so much about the future and so little about the present. I give undue importance to the future and not to the present. My thinking aobut the future helps me ruin my present. Things done turn out the way i want them to. I end up sacrifcing every moment that could have been precious over things that i cannot make precious or things i can't control.          But thinking about the future does not take my mind off my past. I question myself if I really do believe in God. My faith in him is torn apart each time a tradegy happens in my life. Losing my grandfather was a big tradegy for me but I coped and realized that he was old and it was his time to go. But when I lost when my father, I really started to think if there was a almighty god since he took away the person I was dependent on emotionally, physically and financially. I decided to look on the positive aspect of life and decided that my mother was still here and so god was not so cruel. But when i lost her at the age of 13, I thought forget God. He doesnt exist. However looking at people who are religious and have faith in god, get everything in life, is making me question of my faith in God. I wonder if he can make miracles happen in my life too?        I used to always think about eating food. But since the past year that it had changed. But i'm back to the way i was. I wonder if I'm a emotional eater? When i was depressed in life, i always resorted to eating. However when things improved i stopped eating and now that i'm sad again, i continue to think about eating. I would love to visit a shrink to get to know if I'm a emotional eater.