tomorrow we're going to see carrie, i'm really excited, i think but then there's also being anxious about it. i know i should be happy and in many ways i am, it's just weird. because i mean things with lisa have been on the weird side lately adn i don't think it's going to get any easier. maybe it's only this period of transition. i'm glad that lisa's comign out of her shell, i guess i'm still not wanting to. but then thea'ts not really something i like doing. typing on the keyboards makes little to no sense. at least with eva's keyboard, it's letters are separated, i wonder how she writes like that. i hate my dingy old omsputer though its so crappy i wish i could get s\a new one, but theen it'd be bad wasting it on some money. i wonder who that professors in waking life was. matthew said he teaches at UT but i guess it'd be hard to find him. there are al million billion people on campus. which has been weird cause i've been seeing people that i didn't really think i'd see again. i don't quite know what to do about that. i wish that john and i were better friends so we could hang out somewhere away from here and everything in my life wouldn't be so complicated and connected for once. i wonder what he thingsk of me, i hope i'm not imposing too much, i gues its been a while since there has been someone that's really interested me and i wish i could make him be interestedd in me too. i think its that need for love that we all have that makes me get this way. i guess i'd feel much better if i had someone that could hold my hand and listen to everything. i wish on some level i could be taht way with matthew, but when i'm with him, its so much more different. oh god. i'm only been writing for 6 minutes? what am i supposeed to write about. i wonder if this will give me writer  s cramps. that carpal tunnel ? syndrome. i doubt it. but i don't know this is probly the most work i've had to do for a class so far. that and going to cnetral market, which wasn't too bad. i don't see all the glamour of central market yet, but who knows maybe it's there. i'm glad that i know some people in my classes, at least in my art related classes. theatre and psychology are other things. i wnat to be able to go up and talk to someone, but its so freaking intimidating. i think i'll make it a point next time to come early so i can get a good seat. i just wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i could really enjoy those classes. i thought i'd be spending alot more time being intellectually stimulated than i have been since classes startedd. maybe it just takes aw hile. i dunno, i still miss some aspects of high school. god, that sounds lame. and i know it is on most levels, i just miss how easy it was. but maybe not. the latter part of high school was hell. especially senior year. and really before senior year. i can't believe i still think about him sometimes. i must be liek the biggest loser in the world. i wonder if its because of him that i'm still get malfunctioney sometimes. but most days, i know for sure that's not true. maybe i just need someone or something to constantly be thinking about. like i need some drama in my life so i create it for myself by bringing up something that really bothered me even though its way in the past. i can't spend all this time and energy trying to analyze myself. it gets exhausting. i just should forget about it sometimes and just have funn. but then that gets you to be too so-called   shallor  . . that's really lame. i should just not be this way. i don't know. its not like i really think this way all the time. maybe i do but i guess it just seems different when actually writing out ideas as they come. i guess thats what i did with paper journal. thought i've become too lazy to keep up with one. i wonder how anna is doing. i'm glad she keeps in touch with carrie at least. in my aspect i totally understand why she wouldn't make too great of an effort to talk to me. god, i'm such an ass sometimes. hmm. . maybe i should eat ramen. it was so good today. but i dunno, that would mean i got to go work out or something and i know i'll regret it later. i'm tired of worrying about weight but then the flabbiness is not good to look at. i wonder how really obese peopel can live. i mean, not to be rude, but i feel really bad for them. if i were in their position and had trouble with just like moving around and stuff i might just die. aimee is going to sleep and this static crap is annoying the shit oputta me. i guess that's that whole buyy cheap. less quality thing. god but now its' like louder than ever. there headphones off muuuuuch better. my computer is so stupid. makes too much noise. i want to meet john someday. i hope he writes back soon. i guess i was kind of a big jerk for waiting so long to write to hiom. gosh, i hate that. it could have been fixed and we could be writing each other back and forth like we used to. . but noo. . i'm a big freaking idiot. ahh maybe i shouldn't try so hard. he's different than most guuys i know, i think. and i dunno, i really would like to see him one day. at least as friends, even though that might be kind of big and scary. maybe we'll just keep corresponding through email. that would be enough to keep me happy. i think. it's just weird giving so much of yourself so honestly and candidly and without prided or shame to someone you have never seen in real life. though, la