In fact I always think about her whenever I have a spare moment. She is in my every thought. She is so far away from me, yet in my heart she is so close. I read some poetry tonight, Love Sonnets, and all I could think about was her. She is so beautiful. I long for the next time I can see her. It seems like only yesterday we met for the first time. I talk about her constantly to all my friends to the point, where they are either sick of hearing about her, or know her almost as well as I do. I know it's not the best thing to go through, but I am seem to be sad all the time. Not literally, or maybe literally, but it is hard to explain. I love her more then life itself, but I "hate" her for leaving me. Not really hate, but I don't know how to explain it, but more like I guess a little dislike. Nothing I can't handle, I just wish she was here with me. It doesn't seem fair. I see all of my friend's with their significant others, and they are next to each other always. Sharing all the "special" moments in their lives, but I have to wait at least a week, before I can call her. The bill is too expensive otherwise. I beg her to come back, knowing full and well, that she can't do that, but it seems to help but sometimes hurt at the same time. She is so special to me, and I can wait forever for her. Most people think that is absurd, but she is my everything. Being sad a lot I know is to a degree not healthy, but what can I do. The moment she walked down the corridor in the airport, I heart stopped smiling. Since that gloomy day in June, a part of me has been gone. Although I smile on the outside, on the inside I am sad. The day her sweet embrace takes me in, only then can I smile. That day is not too far away, and I long for it. I guess this is the best part of being sad, because I feel better thinking about the future, the only thing is that it is a type of perpetual loop. As soon as I think about the future and being with her, I get sad again thinking that I have to wait another few months. Then I think about all the times that I will be "alone" without her. As much as my friends are great, I have none really. She is my one and only TRUE friend. I have some friends, I. e. my roommate, and a several other people that genuinely care, but most of them don't. I have pretty much stopped "trying" to be there as much as I have in the past. I feel that I am only a friend in the convenience of someone else. I feel that they only come to talk to me when they need something, or when something is wrong for them. I used to try so much, but in the past month's I have stopped trying. That may not be the answer, but it is something that I have come to. I tell all my friends that if they do need me, then I will be there for them. I called to see how my friends were. I paged them telling the just a simple "hello". Calling them randomly just to check if everything was cool. And that favor was never really returned. So, now I don't care as much. I am still there if someone needs me. I could NEVER abandon a friend. I care too much about people for that. All of this leads me back to my girlfriend. She is the one person that ALWAYS cares about how I am feeling. She always knows when something is wrong or bothering me. She always wants to take care of me and love me. And for that I return the feelings back 10x over. I love her and I don't want anything ever to happen to her, so I check with her as much as I can. She is some kind of special and I can't let her go. She is too good to me. It's moments like these where I get to feel better about my situation, because I know everything will be fine in the "end", but at this moment in my life, I am not so much worried about the "end" as the now. Maybe worried isn't the best word. I just wish she was here to spend time with me. So we could eat dinner together, go see a movie together, to study together, to love together. All the couple things and all the friend things. It just seems unfair, and then there are points like now, where I miss her like crazy and I think I am going to go nuts without her. I know I can be strong and I can surpass this and the end will be that much sweeter. So with that in mind, I can end this "journal" entry on a good note and feel good about everything.