beck lost cause. juan didn't call me back. I wish he would call me. it's driving me mad not knowing why he took off without saying a word. leaving me hanging and wondering what the hell was happening and why he left me in my car thinking up of the thousands of reasons why he did such a thing. I saw a red car with someone sitting inside of it. I don't know who it was but I can only think that it is his girlfriend, which may explain why he crouched down next to my truck when he got out. like he was hiding. then unexpectedly run back to the station towards the back where the fire truck was. beagles I should call marco up. I need to give cristina a visit at cypress bend. I'll be receiving some mail from angie soon and I'll be unpleasantly surprised because I think I already know what it might be but I don't want to see it. really tired and sleepy. grace and I talked about scary movies last night because we couldn't fall asleep. I want a radiohead tshirt. nirvana. japanese art prints. art sculpture class. sore fingers. two paper cuts on my hands. I wish the dvd player on my computer worked. sean messed up my computer :( goose time goes by pretty slow yet fast. I miss my angelfish and its tankmates. church. too many asians here. I don't like it. juan didn't reply to the voicemail I left him at 9 last night. he is mad because I took off too. I needed to drive back to austin. but I'm mad too because he did the same. I only reciprocated his actions. cold allergies and this smoothie tastes pretty good strawberries. still like the peach smoothie. I was really upset and exhausted after math today. I was shaking up the white cranberry/peach juice bottle to break the frozen juice that was inside of it. I miss joyce. I wonder how she is doing in school. she must have a lot of friends. psychology class is great. never get bored. occupy time. be resourceful. help mom and dad be less stressed out. mom is sick. she wants me to go home every weekend. juan claims he wants to see me. but we're not together". I don't know what's going on with him and his current girlfriend or fiance or whatever the hell she is to him but from how he is being with me. it makes me wonder. rebecca. I had a dream with him introducing me to his girlfriend elizabeth. except her name was roxanne in my dream. she was voluptuous and desirable. it made me sad. he always makes me sad. I'm reminded of that time I went to best buy with my sister and while passing by the movie theater parking lot. I spotted his car. the metallic sky blue eclipse. I was going to get a cream/white one. o well. and so I drove in front to see if it could be his car. it was his. I am so stupid to have stayed outside at the theater waiting for his movie to end just so I could see who he went to the movies with. joyce was playing arcade. when I saw him come out. he was the first one to come out. he was with a girl. he had his arm around her and I turned away just before he looked towards me. he passed right by me and walked away with his arm around her. and I stood by the window watching them leave. I got outside too and I just got so sad. I wasn't depressed. I was simply really truly sad. she was kind of chubby though. probably because she is pregnant. if all of that nonsense was true. abortion. legal age. drinking strawberry daquiri. applebee's johnny carino's Rick. marble slab. I wish I could talk to Rick right now. talking to him briefly yesterday on my drive to austin actually kind of cheered me up after I had left the fire station in pain. my heart has been broken yet I still hang on to someone who only wants my body. I miss being held by him. I miss being hugged by a guy. jason and sean are so weird. grace is weird too yet she always brings in weird people and claims that they're weird. silly girl.