I don't have too much on my mind right now, and if im worrying about anything, it may be about classes. This class in particular is not too troublesome, but this is my first year in college, and im noticing that the style of school is in many ways different. And its not that i don't think i will be able to adapt, but i am a little intimidated. The laid-back style of college allows for a lot of distractions and freedom. So i believe that if i set a pattern now to get everything that i need done, i will be much better off.   Not only, are the classes here different, but my whole social life has been turned upside down. I don't know whether i should  let go of most of my old acquaintences from high school, and dive right into new friendships. or to hang on to the people who i feel know me the best. I loved my high school years. I loved the people i grew close to, i loved the environment, i loved the things i was involved in. And now, i don't have any of those things to comfort me. I loved theatre, i remember all the plays i was in and all the fun times and great bonds i made with people. Including the director. He was like my second father, someone i could really talk to, but also someone who taught me a lot about myself. And the things he taught me really can't be put into words, but rather they can be applied to my life right now. I feel so much more grown up after growing close to him in 4 years and feel like if he believes in me, there is no reason for me not to. That may be my one biggest flaw. At times i have somewhat low self-esteem. Well, to refine that statement, i doubt myself and my worth at times. Never at a dangerous level, im not anywhere near depressed, but i do tend to put others before myself. I care so much about people in my life, and i expect the same from others. But that isnt the way it is most of the time. I put my heart out there, and often it gets passed over.   And on that subject, that is the main reason why i broke things off with my high school boyfriend. There were other contributing factors, but this past summer, i finally put myself before him and realized that i wasnt getting what i wanted out of the 8 month old relationship. I loved him so much, and deep down, i know he loved me, and still does. but he didnt try hard enough. And he says now he realizes that he didnt treat me as good as he should have, and i knew that he would eventually see that, that is why i broke it off--to make it obvious something was wrong. And it took him a long time to see that. We were best friends, and maybe that is why it took me so long to say something. Because i had so much faith in someone so close to me, i was sure i was exaggerating things, being selfish. But after enough people telling you that you deserve better, it really starts to make you think. I would always be the one putting forth the effort, i would always aplologize, i would always go out of my way for him, i would compliment him, etc. And ultimately, he wanted an easy relationship. He didnt want to have to make me feel special, even if he felt it deep down. And now he tells me this. and its very unlike him to see that he was insensitive for so long. He usually doesnt see things like that clearly. But maybe losing a girlfriend and best friend made him see things differently. I miss him though. I was the one who made this decision, i should be strong and not rely on him. But i miss him and talking on the computer to him everyday while he's at A&M lets me see the guy that i fell in love with. . especially because he is so nice to me lately. He claims that he's going to wait around for me, and that we will end up together again someday, but im not as sure as he is. I mean, i would love to be his girlfriend if he could treat me better. but we are so far apart, it seems silly of gaining a title of being a girlfriend, but being just as lonely. I need to be on my own for this new experience i am going through, and not attatched to his arm. I need to see who else is out there, this is college for goodness sake. But no matter who i meet, i will always compare them to him. I never thought of it that way, but he was my first love. Its weird to imagine that i really was in love, i never thought it could happen. But its very obvious that it was love. But for now i have to be strong, and just keep on the way things are. no matter how much i miss him. Because i don't want to get hurt again, not yet, not this far away. Im afraid things will just go back to the way they were, and i'll be 10 times more lonely. And its hard enough to meet friends here, there are so many people- i don't need to make it harder by being cooped up in my room all day talking to my boyfriend miles away. This school is funny like that. There are almost too many people to make friends. Everyone is doing their own thing, and its really easy to get sucked into hanging out with your old high school friends and not make new friends. But thats not what i came here for. I came here to meet new people, new open minded people, and have new experiences. and to redefine who i am as a person and a friend. But that doesnt mean i have to cut old ties alltogether. hmm. i wonder if its been 20 minutes yet. i think so.