being new in Texas and on a strange campus with a lot of different people that I've never met, and have no idea what their backgrounds or thoughts may be is weird to me. back home this wasn't the same. All my friends knew me and I knew them. They didn't care about my little flaws. My family was there to support me and care about me. now, I'm hear. alone and people are starting to show their real colors. At first the girls on my floor were accepting and sweet, but now everything has changed. They have this different feelings and thoughts about me. I may have done some things to upset them, just like they have done to me, but I am a forgiving person. I do not hold grudges like others. Which my sister says is a bad trait. guys down my hall, who used to be nice to me, now make fun of he way I talk, the way I dress, just generally me. its hurts a lot. I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings with others very easily. I try not to let the things they say hurt me, usually they are just joking around. but, it still does hurt. no one likes to be made fun of. Maybe I'm scared of what people think about me. maybe I'm nervous and afraid because I'm in a totally new atmosphere and situation and nearly everyone else has their family and friends nearby, if not living in the rooms with them, the talk to. People who know about their mood swings and personality. but, I don't. At first I didn't think much about all this stuff. I was having a good time in rush and with all the new people I have met. But, things have changes and I kind of wish I had chosen to go to the school where all my home friends went instead of starting anew. but, I guess the reason I'm hear is because I wanted to get away. or at least I thought I wanted to get away. one thing I don't' really like to do is burden people with my problems, especially people I don' know. they usually end up telling me that I should think better about myself or that what I'm thinking isn't right. but, no one really knows what's right for me except me. I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'll try to be a little better at this and try to change that about myself, the things that people get annoyed with so that people will want to be my friend. but, I can't change how I've grown up. my family values have thought me how to be nice to others, but I had to learn on my own how to take it when those people that you think you're the nicest to and like the most can turn on you in a second. that just because you might say a nice thing about someone, that's doesn't mean that the next day they'll remember or even care enough to stop people from hurting you. My mom calls about three times a day. We're pretty close. but, when I was at home she'd annoy me because she always wanted to talk and be around me and I thought I just wanted her to go away. but, no its different. I call her too. I tell her everything that's happened to me that day and ask for advice. I thought I would be that kind of person, but I was wrong. I can't wait to go home and be with people that really know me and accept me right away. I don't' remember the last time I had to work at being someone's friend. I wish I didn't have to write this for so long. I just feel like I'm babbling about the same thing over and over again. I can't type very well either, so some of my words can only be read by dyslexic people. its alright. I'm trying to be as honest and open as possible. A couple of years ago I used to cry everyday. About nothing about something it didn't matter. I was going to go see a psychiatrist. I've never been to one but was always intrigued about what would happen if I went. I think for a little while I'd tell me parents that I HAD to go to one. I convinced them. I dot' know what that was all about. just a phase I guess. I'd still like to go to one. I can't see how someone could like the job of hearing other peoples problems for hors on end everyday. That would be totally crazy. When people tell me their problems I just think about mine and feel bad for myself. I guess I'm self centered or something. I hear people talking in my hall and wish that I could go out there too, but I promised myself that I'd get some work done before I went off to class. I really haven't eaten a lot since I've been here. I skip breakfast don't' eat lunch or dinner. Its crazy. My appetite has totally left. the food is really nasty here. Oh well. When I get home I'll make my parents take me out to a nice dinner. My boyfriend used to take me out to nice dinners, then for some reason her totally stopped. I'm kind of materialistic. or, at least that's what he'd say. but, I learned o accept it because I loved him. or at least I thought it was love. I don't' know yet, and I'll probably never know until I find someone who I feel the same way or more about. That hasn't happened yet. okay, times up.