Honestly, right now that I have this assignment all I can think about is what to write about. I wonder and wonder what I'm thinking but all I can think about is that I want to get this done because if I don't I will eventually get behind and then I;ll never catch up and everyone will be able to go out and have fun while I sit at home and do my computer assignments for this class. I guess all and all that translates to me being scared of what I am and am not doing. I sit in my room a lot and think about all the assignments I need to do and all the things I have to do but I never quite get the innitiave to do them until it is the last minute. I am so scared that I am going to fail now that I am here because I don;'t quite think that I belong hwere. Everyone else seems so smart and like they belong here and I am the black sheep. It scares me that everyone seems to have all of these friends already and I don't I just miss my friends that I had in high school. It is different here, no one is the same and maybe they are and I have just changed. I wonder how long it will take for me to fit in like everyone else seems to. My roommate and I have been friends since like the second grade, so I didn't get to meet anyone new when I moved into the dorm. It scares me to even be in the dorm because I am more homesick than I ever would have imagined being. I miss my parents and my friends and my pets and my room. I only live 30 miles away but I worry that I will look pathetic if I go home all the time, but I so much want to pack m7y  stuff up every few days walk a mile and a half to my car on the side of the road and head back to Hutto. There is absolutely nothing special there, but I miss it so much. My parents say come home anytime you want but do they feel ashamed when I do as if they didn't raise me well enough to make it on my owm. I also feel bad because I don't have a jobn yet, I have never gone without a job, I've continuously had a job for the past two years and now my parents are paying my way and is that fair, they shoudln;'t ghave to I'm a bigt girl I should be paying for my own things, this isn't fair to them. I feel so dependent on them aNED ALL through high school I felt so dependent and now that I should even more, I don't at all. I don;t even know why I chose this school, I think it is becuase everyone thought that I couldn't and I wanted to prove them wrong but that syhouldn't of veen the reason. I am happy tht I am here now because I think it is a good school but I didn't have good reasons when I applied and I worry that will effect my future here. I feel lonely being here. My friends are at other schools in Austin and I still have some in Hutto but I feel like I am here all by myself and no one sees me as good enough to be freinds with. I feel like everyone already has their groups and I just don't fit into them. Today is the best that I habe felt in a long time becausr my friend Bonnie is coming by from St Edward's and her being here might make me feel like I have someone. I don't know why her being here would do that, but just maybe it might. Every time I sit outside I see people being picked up to go do things and I jsut sit outside by myself smoking my Marlboros wondering when I will have someone coming to pick me uyp,. Maybe that will mak e me look important but why do I care what these people think, even when they see me in the hall they don't know who the hell I am anyway, I think I want them to though. Maybe then I would feel as if I was a part of the university. Right now I feel like a blacksheep and I have never in my life felt like that. Is there a reason why these people look at me odd, why do they not make efforts to speak to me or why do I not make efforts to speak to them. I guess I have a fear of them not accepting me therefore I don't even make the effort to approach them. IS the chance of rejection worth the effort on my part. But then aGAIN maybe they want send me signs of rejection, maybe they will see that maybe I am a good person and then I would fit in, but what are the chances of that happening. (I feel so dumb writing this becuase I don't say what I feel ever. My mother thinks that I am like in the fact that instead of being honest and admitting how I feel, I create a front and never say what makes me happy, sad, angry, etc. Instead I act like I don't care either way  and go home or whereever noone is at and cry in private. If no one sees me cry then no one knows how to push my buttons and if you never let anyone in then you never get hurt. Only one of my really close friends knows that I do this, but that could lead to me only having one really good friend. But I don't think so becuae I love my friends and they love me no matter what so if they really knew who I was then they wouldn't care. It wouild probably be a relief to them becuase then they wuold know that I was human. Not that they think I'm, not but I don't show feelings so they wonder what I am really thinking, but if I tell people whta I really think then I open myself up way too much for dissappointment. I don;'t know what to do, I htink that is why I haven't gone home because if I am stuck here with all my feelings then eventually I will have to open up and let people in and if I run home every other day, I will have too much security and I will think that I can remain closed to new things forever. THis way I am forced to accept myself and that way I can find out if people accept me.