ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Write now I'm very tired I just got home from Austin. I haven't been getting much sleep lately so I have really been dragging. I'm fixing to eat dinner with my family. I have alot of homework to do tonight including some calculus which is very frustrating. My house is very quiet the only sound in it seems to be me striking on these keys. This is an unusal assignment I have never done anything like this in the past. So far I am enjoying school at Ut it is my first semester and although it is all a little overwhelming I think things are going to work out. I have to comute back and forth everyday that is the only thing that seems to be gettiong old. I went to the UT football game on Saturday I had a great time but, wished that we would have played better in the second half. I love sports I have played them since I was five. I fact this is probaly the first time in my life where I havn't been playing sports. Now the noise in my house starts to raise a little as my brother gets home from tennis practice. He is a good kid I'm glad that he is doing so good in school right now. He tries really hard, and takes things really seriously. I smell my mom making diner. She works in Austin as well and has to commmute just like I do. My mind is drawing a blank now, I'm so tired it's hard to concentrate. I guess I am a little worried about school, I have to make really good grades this semester because I'm trying to transfer into the business school. I have put alot of pressure on myself to do good in school. I get stressed out when I don't understand some of the material in one of my classes. Calculus worries me the most. I have never been that good at math. I'm struggling right now just going through the review. I try really hard in all my classes but I'm worried that won't be good enoegh. Oh well all I can do is my best. My house has grown quiet again much like it usually is. Now I hear my phone ringing but nobody seems to be answering it. I'm looking forward to a warm bed to sleep in tonight. I have to wake up early to go to work though. I enjoy work at least it breaks up the monotony of being in school all day. Well my time was just up so.
I have to work at 1pm, go back to my dorm, and get everything organized I still have to do my geology homework and study that since science is hard for me. I need to go shopping for food also and get my internet connection set up. I hope my dad can help me because if not I dont know when I will ever get on the net and all my assignments are due over it. I also need to call my Brad in College Station. I dont know what to do in that situation. I think I love him but I need to date others--but who to date? I am not interested in anyone I only want to know for sure if it is Brad I want but how do I know if he really wants me when we go to such different schools and he will probably find an aggie woman I could find a longhorn man also . the guy I just met is pretty cool but I don't see me dating him maybe I should just have fun and see what happens no need to get serious yet-- unlike Lori and I do not want to be like her and Ryan. I am glad I didnt have to quit my job I love everyone there only my manager is driving me crazy with the shifts I am getting hopefully it will all work out but I have to work 2 shifts today and I still have so much to do I just need to relax or something but I cant until I get all my stuff done. oh well I wish I had time to tell my mom and dad everything that is going on here but things keep coming up people are always calling and or dropping by and there is no time to call unless it is at midnight when they have been asleep for hours its funny because you would think that since we live in the same city I would be able to talk easily but I cant tomorrow is labor day I wonder if Jeff will want to do any thing he probably will and I don't know if I have time or not to spend the day with him and if I dont he will probably throw a fit since he lives in san marcos but he can come home all the time if he wants or I can visit him I wish he wasnt so needy he has to really we are not together but he has always been like this that is why we could never work out not like brad though he is wonderful but he wrote me some letter I havent gotten it yet and he says parts of it are sad and parts happy I wonder is it good sad like he misses me or bad sad like he met someone else I will find out in the next few days  I wonder if Ryan got my letter and how he is doing I wonder how mecredy is doing and when he is going back to Dallas the George strait concert was great I wonder is they got to see brad I wonder how Lori is I havent talked to her in a couple of days and we have to do the draw together on Tuesday I hope she can stand in line with me and I may have to leave early since I work at 10:30 I dont know the games are going to be great I hope I get to go to the A&m game! I dont think I want to hang out with brad that weekend though I dont know it depends on him and who knows if I'll get tickets I really want to go though Tyler already has some lined up I wonder how you get to college Station I'm sure someone will give me directions I hope it isnt too scary I dont know what I would wear I wonder whose car we could take mine would never make it and it has UT stickers all over so they would trash it
I'm planning a trip to South Padre, and I don't exactly have any real place to stay(besides the car). I guess I always feel a little more nervous about the state of my affairs before I do any physical activity during the day. I think that the endorphins make a big change in my thoughts and state of being. I enjoy physical activity to for the competitive aspect. Recently, I've come to enjoy more extreme sports such as mountain biking, street hockey, and surfing. These sports seem to add an aspect of danger which makes the adrenaline run even faster. It reminds of the Goo Goo Dolls song "Iris" where the singer writes about "bleeding just to know your alive. "  The mixture of hard physical workout and a sense of danger accompanied with adrenaline add color to life where it wasn't there before and give a sense of perspective to other areas of life. I can't help but wonder if this passage is being influenced by the music I'm listening to on the CD player. I think that it's probably still an accurate representation because I don't know  if music can do anything but influence or bring out different parts of yourself. Speaking of music I'm going to play guitar as much as I possibly can now because I've beaten the video game Goldeneye. I'd also like to start writing more. I haven't written in awhile and it's something that I've been missing. The opportunity to be reflective and listen to yourself is a wonderful thing which I haven't been taking advantage of lately. I'd like to publish a book eventually with the sum of a lot of my writing. It would be like a journal of varied types of entries which would open a gateway into the inner recesses of my mind, a window into the core of my being. There are many different enjoyable aspects to writing. In addition to the chance to look at yourself and life, the ability to meld your thoughts into words in the most eloquent way possible is a fabulous thrill. Speaking of acts of creation, I would also like to take more pictures with my new camera. I'm trying to expand my self as a visual artist through photography. I hope to capture a little of the essence of my experiences through the lens of the camera. I took some really good pictures on my last two rolls. The best picture appears to be the result of serendipity. I took a picture at Mesa Verde of some of the Indian ruins, and out of the shadows of the rocks, a giant face appears. It's an incredible picture. It's a better picture than I thought I'd ever take. I hope I have the gift of capturing beauty on film. It would be a neat talent to have.
I just wrote for about  18 minutes and I accidentally cleared it all so Im just going to write poetry.      good enough. hey your glass is empty its a hell of a long way home . why  dont you let me take you its no good to go alone. I never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me. after all the bullshit I've heard its refreshing not to see. I dont have to pretend . she doesnt expect it from me. so dont tell me why I havent been good to you. dont tell me I havent been good to you. just tell me why nothing is good enough                                                                                hey little girl would you like some candy . momma said its ok. the door is open come on outside . no I cant come out to play . its not the wind that cracked your shoulder . whos there that makes you so afraid youre shaking to the bone . you know I dont understand you deserve so much more than this so just tell me why hes never been good to you dont tell me why hes never been there for you. ill tell you that why is simply not good enough. I can be good to you and I will be there for you and ill show you why your so much more than good enough. that was just some stuff I made up in my head I hope it is what you were looking for in this stuff.
I don't like having to write an my couch. I need a better place to work. I don't want to go to work tonight. I sometimes feel like a trained animal jumping through a hoop. I really want a dog. Somebody that will always be there for me. I thought I had that in my boyfriend. I was always there for him Why is it that I always find the guys that I like or care about are unstable. Is it because I myself am unstable and I want someone else to make me feel better about my soft insanity. Or do I project such an image of  pure stability that they desire. I would like to be in a stable right now. Talking to a stable and then an unstable person, while grooming a horse. I want a horse to be able to ride him fast an hard through an open field to a tree that I could climb. The last time I climbed a tree I was trying to escape being pursued by a guy who had a girlfriend. I should have probably just told him no. Should I be more aggressive? I think that I am not because I can feel at times so much what other people are feeling. I don't them to be hurt by me because I myself have been hurt enough. I have always wished for an average American family A dog, a house with a fence, 2. 3 kids. I never got that though. I am beginning to realize that I am glad that I didn't. I like the person I am very much. I still need much more from myself though. I wonder why I surround myself with the things that I do. Why do I make my home a haven. Why I am afraid. Why do I have Disney videos for kids or feel the need to buy myself flowers. I need more books I want more knowledge I don't want to be another close-minded individual in this cruel and cynical world. oxymoron. Jeremiah would like The Picture of Dorian Gray. I hope he will read it. Where am I right now  what do I need to be doing to get to my destination. I need to allow God back into my life. I need to stop shutting him out. I need to vacuum, and do laundry, paint, to do my chemistry, and talk to my soon to be ex-boyfriend. That is scary. I am going to alone again Why do I fear that so much. Maybe I am looking for the father I never had  I need someone to be there to praise me. I need to spend more time with more people. I put myself into seclusion to much But I like it My bicycles wheels are awfully big. they are huge,  I don't understand why guys always wish that they had a bigger penis even when they are large in the first place. Why do I have such a sexual mind. Have I Made myself that way for guys or am I naturally this way. Few things are natural anymore. I want to go camping and run through the Forrest naked like a nymph or a fairy. I want to appear magical to all those around me.
it was an awesome meal went to Chuys. the best chicken enchiladas I have ever had. my friend jay came to visit out of the clear blue. just showed up at my door today. I was pretty excited about seeing him. I really miss san Antonio. I miss my  family a lot. talked to my mom today. she says how much they all miss me there and how empty the house is without me. whatever. I'm the one in a claustrophobic dorm room living with a complete stranger. at least they still have each other. I'm the one on my own. don't get me wrong, I love the freedom of living on my own, it's just a little bit hard to make the transition at first. especially if you're as close to your family as I am. all of my really close friends are at a&m. that's weird. my two best friends from the first grade(we all used to live on the same street)go to school there and complain that they miss me. at least they are together. I have a lot of friends here and a lot of people I know(I never run out of things to do)but it just isn't the same. don't have that bond with other friends. oh, well. make new friends but keep the old. I met a really cool girl the other day. she's in my RTF class. man, that class is so huge 500 people!  I'm so worried about doing well in that class cause it's my major and I really want to make an a in there. the TA said that none of us would do as well as we think we will on the first test. great. that makes me feel good about it. it is really interesting, though. I hope I picked the right major, though. it's such a competitive field. I want to do really well. not just push a camera around for big stars for the rest of my life. I want to be one of the big stars. that would be a dream come true. wow. I don't even really know what I want to do with my degree yet. sometimes I think that that's cool and that I'm only 18 and I don't need to know all of that stuff just yet. then again, I'm in school and my parents are paying a lot of money for my education. I don't want to disappoint them and become one of those drifters who can't decide what they want to do until they have already been in college for like, ten years and by then they're too old to get a really awesome job anyway cause all the younger, smarter kids are getting them first. that would not be good. then I think, I'm dwelling on it entirely too much and I should just enjoy college, get the education I came here for and get on with my life. just sort of go with the flow. I don't normally stress out, but when I sit alone and actually think about it for a while, it all becomes sort of scary. you know, where I am in life. where I am going. where am I going?  that's the hard part(and it's sort of exciting)is not knowing the future. not knowing what is going to happen from day to day. we just take life as it comes. I have a class at nine in the morning . it is so freaking hard to wake up for that class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm really proud of myself cause I haven't missed a single day of class yet. a lot of people I know have been skipping out. it's so easy to do. but not me. even when it was pouring rain outside, I still went to class. soaking wet. I'm so concerned about doing well.
twenty seconds and I still haven't thought of anything. Jennifer is crazy for taking all those chemistry classes! I couldn't even work on my math problems, and concentrate. I don't know how she makes it all those hours with science and math. We're going to watch that movie tonight, in a little while, so I need to finish my homework pretty soon, and get a head start on the week, so I don't have too much to worry about. I need stop freaking out the ghost in our community bathroom! Those shower curtains don't open themselves! I wonder is molly is going to be happy for me and jen about being the new wing representatives? wow that's a big word. I wonder if that's how you spell it. I need to clean up my room before my roommate throws my stuff out in the hall. Stupid jose can't really mean what he said. He said he's not IN love with me, and just loves me. But I know we'll get back together. I'm sure of that. Now. . Whhooooahhhh I clicked that button too many times. I really hope they don't run out of the poster I want. I signed up to work for 5 hours at the poster sales to get $50 worth of credit for that poster starry night. wow that hairstyle's weird. That guy must work hard to get it like that. maybe I should stop looking out the door. it's too quiet in here, since jen doesn't listen to her music out loud. I love that people miss me back home, and that makes me feel like I was someone back there. the more I look around this room, the more I like the color purple. I remember the superman theme from stucco, and the way Michael looked in his cape. I wish I had my photo album with me right now to show jen. mmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa the eyes of Texas are upon you. . Today's lunch was super cool, because me and jen went back to the buffet, where she saw her friend who also happens to be Hispanic too! I was so glad when I saw Hispanics here. I need to add more people to my yahoo, because I only have four people. I don't know why more people here don't have messenger, like people back home. this is so cool, because it keeps you thinking, and you see it right in front of you. This is so much fun, I should do this more often and then find the pattern of what I seem to think about more often. darn! my time is already running out. this was fun. I'm down to like 15 seconds. I hope I did this assignment right.
I just walked in my room from going out and it seems the AC is not working. The room feels stiff with warm air that has been dormant for days. The smell of warn-off room freshener and paint enraptures me as I look in perplexity at the clothes thrown carelessly on the floor. Two canvases lay on the stained carpet. The idea was to paint each one different, but to have the same motif. It was harder to come up with an idea than I thought it would be. That was a few hours ago, which was before I had a glass of the   fratty   punch.      It's so silly, how these fraternities make punch with around seventy-five percent alcohol. What are they trying to do to us? Women are not primitive. We understand what they have in mind. See, if it was up to the guys, they would drink heavy beer from noon until dawn. But it is the punch that us ladies enjoy, and that is clear enough evidence for the boys to work vigerously weekly on the near-poisenous beverages that they supply.      As I stood there earlier on the lawn in front of the frat boys' house, I suddenly asked myself a question.  Do these boys really want to talk to me?   I wondered.  And if they do. why?        Two things quickly were brought to my attention. One was the fact that if they did want to talk to me it was because they either liked my company, or that they liked the way they visioned me without my outfit on, one which by the way took me 35 minutes to pick out. How ironic huh?! The other was the fact that if they didn't desire to converse with me, that they had enough respect for me to actually return the small talk, and even at times initiate the redundant aquaintance talk so often practiced at frat parties.     It was then that I realized that either way, they were talking to me, and I got to talk to them just long enough to smell their woodsy cologne, as well as to look into their dreamy eyes!      Those stupid frat boys. Man are they dumb, but they sure are entertaining!!!
I didn't go to class this morning. I feel really bad for not going, it's the first class I've missed so far. It was only Calculus-I'm not having any trouble in that class so far. I'm having the most trouble in Chemistry. I hate Chemistry. I almost wish my major was different so that I wouldn't have to take it. I took it in high school and I had trouble with it there. College is so much better than high school. Everyone said that once I was in college, I would wish I was back in high school-I don't wish that yet!  I really hated high school I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Senior year was the worst-especially towards the end. I did so bad in school then. I can't believe I still got into UT. I didn't think I was going to get in. I remember when I found out-it was a Wednesday night and I made my brother check my status at UT on the internet. he didn't want to because I had been making him check it everyday for the past week and it always said that they were still reviewing my application. this time it said they had accepted me we were so excited no on e was there though just me, my brother and my boyfriend- he was asleep on the couch though and I woke him up to tell him and he didn't even act like he cared he just kind of grunted and went back to sleep-he's always like that though he never thinks anything I do that I'm proud of is really all that great anyway the night I found out was the night before me my brother my boyfriend and my best friend left for spring break vacation in Puerto Vallarta. That vacation was so fun!! except I was sick the whole time so that sucked the food was so gross
I like the idea of doing class assignments over the WWW. it's much easier. I think someday all assignments and teaching will be done through a web of interlinked computers. Students will sit at home in the same spot every day and fulfill their college requirements without ever seeing a professor or fellow student. I wouldn't like that however. Something would be lost without the direct personal lectures. A person telling me something with a unique style and delivery leaves a greater impression on me than any computer text ever could. I feel like I'm sticking with this subject too long, I'm thinking with too much structure. But I think that is the way I am. Before I communicate, whether by typing on a computer or talking to someone, I usually have a solid idea of what I'm going to say. I don't usually have spontaneous outbursts or a direct communication of a free flowing consciousness. I hear someone whistling in the hall, he's probably an active who will make me clean some mess up. oh well. Wow I reached the second line, I just figured this entire submission would be one never ending line of text; like some huge sentence that rambles on and on and says nothing. Isn't that ironic. I have something in the back of my head that says all this writing is just meaningless rambling. But if this is an exercise to allow my free flowing mind to be translated onto paper, that would mean that what I'm thinking is just meaningless rambling. It's always like that. My mind just jumps from random thought to random sensation (this chair isn't too comfortable) at light speed. No matter how fast I write, I don't think I could ever capture the zany, random, chaotic, and highly elusive thoughts that tickle my neurons for a millisecond then become forgotten in the same instant. But if they become forgotten how do I know about them?  I wonder what I'll do tonight. I'm not sure at all. It's one of those times when I could have fun doing anything. I might. I don't know. it doesn't even matter. I don't know what else to write. I'm at a loss. Maybe by brain just hopped down a frequency. I just went from the imaginative (sort of) colorful thought chord (you know the kind you get when you read a good sci-fi book), to a superficial lethargic tone. I feel like a cave man, the only thing my mind says right now is "food. "  Thank you.