I've never felt empty ever before, its amazing how complete your life feels for a certain time and then just because of this one person everything just falls apart and you have to start all over again I know it happens to everybody at some point of their lives but whoever it must be happening to they must be going through hell. I believe in god and I know that whatever he's doing its for my betterment but I wonder why he did this in the first place if he wasn't going to make it work. Right now there are so many questions in my mind but there is no one to answer them at all I'm feeling so disgusted with everything I feel angry and its all because on this one person who before a year didn't even mean anything to me and now rules over all my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could foresee the future or go back into time and fix up everything before it falls apart. I'm sitting in a lab full of people and my friends come every now and then and say hi to me and treat me sweetly and every other second my thoughts keep going back to this evil person who just messed up everything I do. I must be sounding like any girl who's fallen out of a relationship but I don't care I'm very hurt, and in my case I know he doesn't care at all whether I'm sad or depressed because he has someone else waiting for him at home who's going to make it alright for him and make him forget me forever and ever. and me? I m going to cry and keep thinking of him for a long time because I know I'm true and I loved him even if he didn't. So if I cry I know its because of the love I feel for him, and he doesn't care because he never really loved me at all, and I was stupid all the way to believe that he did. I promise never to be that stupid again I'm going to immerse myself in my work and other people and get on with my life whether my heart likes it or not because all this while I've been doing whatever my heart wanted me to do and didn't do whatever my brain wanted me to but now I'm going to think practically because I know that in this cruel world people who care for others get run over and only the cold hearted survive. So I am going to be cold hearted. and I'm going to be mean. sweet from the outside and mean from the inside just how he is. the whole world loves him because he's sweet from the outside but no one knows about how dark he is from the inside as bitter as an evil man who's never any good for anyone in his life. Where are people when you really need them, my parents so so far away who don't even have a clue about what's happening in my life. I'm so angry I could fight with the person and cry in front of him and take him in front of God and ask him to do justice for me if anybody in third world can't do it but I know I can't ask for anything like that ill just have to study move on and do great things with my life and make my parents really happy because they love me more than any guy in this world can ever do. As I write I'm waiting for these 20 minutes to get over so I can get out of this frame of mind and hide my thoughts in something else or just go stand outside in the warm sun and away from this computer where I feel I'm going to get an email from him at any minute. I hate being a slave to my thoughts and feelings I hate being an emotional slave to a guy who doesn't give a damn about me. I want everything to be right again. As it was before I want him to hug me when I'm tired and tell me that he cares for me oooh why does life have to be so difficult and challenging why can't it be stable is love too expensive to ask for or has it just become very rare in this world where people just care for themselves and nobody else. I can't write very quickly because I'm not that good at typing otherwise I can go on and on about this but then again I don't want to because I don t want to feel sorry for myself at all I'm beautiful, intelligent and there is someone out there who deserves me more then this selfish freak.