ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
I miss the way my life used to be a little bit. Everyone else seems to be having a so much fun which is cool and really I'm not having a bad time at all, it's just I feel like I'm missing something in my life up here. I don't have all the close friends around me that I used to which is bothering me in a way. Things will be get better I know it, cuz this is the way I feel at the beginning of my life after a big change happens. I'm kinda irritated at Marissa I guess because she just has it easy with the new people she's met. She always meets boys cus she's so pretty and silly. She's a perfect little blonde. I love her really and I have a good time with her I'm just tired of feeling like she's luckier. I think I like John which is really annoying but it's not my fault he wrote that dumb e-mail. I feel somewhat satisfied that he realized he does like me but can't have me cus I have someone else in my life. This computer is annoying. I hate computers that aren't like the one I have at home and that I know. I miss being able to chat on-line to Amy and steph and everyone else. I wish I could go to Canada just for the hell of it. I'm probably not the girl he would be looking for. he seems like the buff good looking ty0pe that everyone knows. oh well. My stomach keeps making these nasty noises whish gets embarrassing in class. I'm worried about school work. I know that I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be less stressed out and stuff. I just n4ed to get up tomorrow , go to class, then come back and do my Latin and then some math or something . Then do my bio after Latin and go to the discussion. I'll go run those errands and make those phone calls. maybe marissa will do them with me so we can hang. if not I'll call christina or someone. I want to get involved with the Wesly group so I can feel I have somewhere else to belong. I'm getting down, I can tell. I don't know why I can't get pepped again. I guess I shouldn't have gone home this weeke4nd. it made me homesick when I got back. maybe I just need to call someone or talk to a friend. john later or maybe Liz. Brady would be ok too. poor Brady likes me and I feel confused about him. I need to write to shawna or maybe call her too. what a phone bill. I need that cellular if I want to call Liz lots. I hate typing cus I look at the keys a lot. my fingernail looks nasty. I remember that day still and how calm and quiet it was. I miss a lot of stuff. I need to stop being this way, get some sleep and then get up and go about my day. this weekend will be cool at the football game. I just need to be friendly and meet people and stuff. one more minute I guess till I can stop. well, I bet I can stop now.
I am feeling rather comfortable right now, much more comfortable than in the previous days. I don't know if I made the right decisin in coming here, I guess that's because people keep on asking me where I an from and when I say Hawaii they all ask me why I transfered and why I came here, as if Hawaii is so amazing and this place sucks. I guess Hawaii is pretty amazing in some ways. But it's not like my life was particularly great or exciting there. Added to that I don't like knowing everyone, well I like knowing people but I don't like it when you have no aninimity. I also am thinking a lot about girls, girls and sex, sex and girls, I guess that goes without saying. I feel like I have to step up my game and almost go out "hunting" for them, but thats kind of weird to have that kind of attitude. It's not terrible romantic, but I'm getting pretty desperate. There are some hot hot girls here. I don't know what's my problem, It's probably because I live in Simkins which is on the other end of the earth. That's probably also just an excuse, because no matter where you are you still have to put some effort forward to meet women. Although it is a lot easier when your living with them. It's not so bad I've meet some women here, but the one that I am more serious with, I don't find myself attracted to at all. She's got a great personality, and she's female, which is a definite plus, but I really can't see myself commiting to her or having anything really serious. It's probably a partial ego problem,because of her relative homeliness. But I really do like to be surrounded by beauty, yeah right why did you move away from Hawaii. No I really like to beautiful things and have a real eye for asthetics. I need to be with a really attractive woman, fat chance of that happening with this face, and this nose, and no hair cut, and this voice and this low self-esteem. But I really want to go out with Nicole, she is a goddess on earth, she is so sweet and gentle and gorgeous. I can't belive it, and I act like such a dork around her but she doesn't seem to mind, and that's what I loooooovvvvveeeee about her she is so hot, I must do eveything in my power to win her I must put the wheels in motion before she gets snatched up, because I know that if I don't act soon and I mean like in the next five minutes, some other guy with more guts and better looks is going to see what I see and I cannnot let that happen not this time, I've let that happen too many times in the past I've let every girl that I've ever had feelings for get away. And Nicole may be the one, she's in the fricking Pharmacy school she could take care of me the looser that I am, but if I were with her I would not let that happen. I would do everything for her, I would work night and day and fight my way to the top to provide for her. I have my mission, I must develop my plan, and somewhere in between I must get some studying done. Straight A's and Nicole that will be the story of my life for this year.
I woke up this morning and my words from last night at 1am, "Can I have a 6 piece chicken tender and small fries to go" echoed in my ears. I felt guilty. Within five minutes of ordering I had scarfed down the whole thing. Although my body wasn't hungry, I was thinking about food and I started to have major cravings for something filling. I sent myself on a mission to quench my thoughts, not my stomach. Is it normal to eat when you think about food and your body isn't hungry? Does thinking about food imply that you really are hungry even though your stomach isn't growling? This also brings up the issue of will power. I usually have strong will power, but with food it is another story. My body feels weighted down by guilt today. I went to Tops the other day to look at pictures and I looked fat in all the pictures I saw of myself. I'm sure every freshman promises themselves that they won't gain the dreaded "freshman fifteen. " I refuse to believe that it is an inevitable event in my life right now. I know how to avoid gaining the weight; exercise, eat healthy food, and above all, don't have late night snacks. My will power crumbles late at night when I see food or if my belly doesn't have that full feeling. Getting out of bed I could feel the unused calories building up in my body. I didn't eat breakfast and went to the gym where I worked out for almost two hours today in hopes of burning off last night's calorie fest and hopefully today's too. When I returned to my room I was in a bad mood, felt very lonely and as I told my mom, "I'm not feeling like myself. " I was depressed. I only felt good about myself today when I was exercising. I wanted to go eat lunch, but I felt guilty about even thinking about eating. I love to eat. It brings me satisfaction, comfort, and pleasure. However, my body image tampers with my enjoyment. I am not over weight but I feel like it. As strong, smart, and confident as I am about myself and who I am, I have been sucked into the belief that I ought to be skinny. It is amazing how easily my mood depends on my eating habits.
I am thinking about the fact that since I have gone to college I have absolutely no free time. I am so extremely tired, and I know that I can't go to sleep because I have so much homework to do. It is 12:40 in the morning and I just got home, from things that I had to do today. I am scared that everyone is mad that they never get to see me. My girlfriend probably thinks that I am trying to avoid her, but really I have no free time at all. The whole fraternity thing is fun, but I never have any time to do anything. I have met so many awesome people, and I am excited that I have only been here for 3 weeks and I have met people that I will be friends with for the rest of my life. My school work is also quite time consuming. What I do know is that I hope that I make my grades this semester. Tonight was a rough night, I think that I have done more work than I ever have in my whole life. My dorm room seems secondary to other places that I have to be during the day. The only time I am ever here, is when I am sleeping. My life has changed drastically, but I know it will all turn out great. I am sad for some of my friends from high school. Most of my best friends came to school down here, and the ones who did not seem scared. I still talk to my best friend, who I dated last year. Her birthday is this weekend, and she is not even going to spend it with her best friends. If I could be there for her I would, but I am extremely busy this weekend. I bought tickets to the Dave Matthews concert in Dallas this weekend, but I am not going to be able to go. My whole plan was to surprise my best friend with tickets, and myself in Dallas but of course it fell through. There are so many things that I want to do, but I feel swamped. I wonder what it is like for my parents, they are empty nesters this year for the first time in 30 years. 30 years they have had a child in the house, and suddenly nobody. I did not receive a good wrist band for the Texas OU draw, and I couldn't get tickets to the game. That makes me mad that I sat in line for three hours to get tickets, but I received none. Well I guess that is just another one of life's great blunders, standing in line.
I am so happy to be home right now. College life is fun and all, but I miss the comforts of home. At the dorm, there is always something "extremely important" to do at every moment. Someone is always dropping by and visiting or calling on the phone. I have sorority events to go to or a date, or something. I am getting so overwhelmed by it all. I suddenly have so many responsibilities. Like making sure I wake up for class on time, washing my dishes, making sure I eat enough meals, try to fit in studying every once in a while, follow all of my sorority rules at all times. And my current boy situation is so overwhelming. Suddenly, no that I am single, there seem to be an overabundance of guys. They are everywhere and are always giving out their phone numbers. It is so weird to not have a boyfriend since Brandon and I were together for 14 months. To make that situation worse, he is still so present in my life. Our break up was just one of the many major changes in my life with the beginning f college. I know that lots of girls feel the need to "find themselves" once in college, and it seemed so bizarre to me before I actually was in their shoes. I mean, don't you know who you are? I thought that I did, but now that everything is so different, I feel very lost and confused about who I am and what types of values/morals I have. Up to this point, every decision I made was affected to some degree by my parents. For example, my 1 a. m. curfew had an extreme affect onm where I went at night, how much sleep I got each night. Also, there were rules on who I went out with, because my parents had to meet them beforehand. Now, I can come and go as I please with no questions asked. I'm not so sure that is a good thing. I mean, just because I am 18, that does not mean I suddenly competent to run my entire life. I miss being able to come home everyday and tell my mom all of my daily triumphs and failures. Although, I think that mom and I talk more now than when I lived at home (not that home is far away, only twenty minutes. We talk almost five times a day. But it is different than having here tuck me in each night and hug me when I am down. What is also so diffucult now is that when I need someone to talk to, all of closest friends are thousands of miles away at their own universities. So, I am left with trying to reveal my emotions to practical strangers that I have formed some sort of bond with. Friendships are difficult and delicat things. I know that everyone is looking for a friend right now, especcially me, and yet true friendships don't just form overnight. They take months to form a feeling of trust and compassion between two people. You cannot just jump in and say "Oh we are best friends now. " That is why soroity life is so strange now. I have been thrown into this new "family" in which we are all supposed to be friends, and yet I don't even know most of their names. I guess that over time, we will get close, but right now, it is akward. However, I am thankful to have somewhere to go when I get lonely. Which is quiet often now that all of friends are gone.
I hope I am doing this write!  I never really used the internet before and it took me forever to try and figure out how to log on. I feel better now that I am actually doing this, I thought I wouldn't figure it out in time then I would get a zero and bring my grade down. I am a freshman and I really want to do good. I hope my roommate isn't wandering where I am. We were supposed to do laundry after my class which was your class and ended at5. I was glad it wasn't raining when I got out because I didn't bring my umbrella. I am kind of upset that I couldn't find a smaller one than the huge one I brought. I don't want to look like a dork. I miss my boyfriend he is in San Antonio where I am from. I wish he would've gotten in to UT like me. It would have been so much fun being here with him without parents always watching over us. My time on this machine expires in ten minutes and it doesn't seem like enough time but it was almost twenty minutes that I have been typing maybe a few minutes less but it took me a while to figure out how to get here anyway. I not a very fast typer so I hope I have written enough and about the write topic that is whatever I am thinking. Well thank god I am almost done I only have one more minute so I have to push the submit button before it cuts me  off. Bye.
I am so glad I didn't go to work today, this gives me ample time to do this writing assignment Sleeping in is not always good but today it worked out perfectly I am so damn tired from working out yesterday I think my arms are going to fall to the floor today I wonder if that girl in the red sports bra knew I was checking her out I can't wait until this weekend I'm going out and someone is going to have to carry me in the dorm room I really miss my exgirlfriend back home I think I just need to find me a temporary just to have a little fun so I won't miss her so much Last night I got some really good sleep but not enough homework got done I really need to go to church this weekend I feel a sense of being lost when I don't I think it keeps me holy as well Mom is going to be real disappointed in me if I don't keep up the daily routine on Sundays I really wish God would have blessed me with the skill of being able to type faster so that I could jot down more thoughts in twenty minutes Damn it is 12:10 and I am so hungry Some Christians on Campus just stopped by and they have just made me put a ten minute gap in my thoughts because I had to sit and talk to them Maybe I'll got to one of their little functions sounds like a lot of fun to do Jester food has been real heavy on my stomach lately I hope it doesn't make me sick The other night I had a weird dream I dreamt that I pierced my own tongue I grabbed a long needle and stuck it through my tongue and stuck a barbell piercing through it It was so real that when I woke up I thought I really had my tongue pierced But I wasn't scared or worried that I had I was actually a little excited Which makes me wonder if maybe I should get my tongue pierced It's not really my style but I think the ladies might like it I am really mad that I haven't gotten a paycheck yet I am too broke to have any fun you just can't go to college without any money. The only thing that is keeping me afloat is the loan money I got for the semester. It's a lot of money but I want to save little What the hell am I supposed to do when I need to go to WalMart to get some Hotpockets or some bottled water The water here in Austin is so nasty. That is definitely one thing that I miss about home is the good well water we had I was so good Twenty minutes has to be coming up soon. oh look, hey there all done, (a rush of happiness) and now I am thinking all of these unholy thoughts that I don't have to type Goodbye
Ever since I can remember, I have always had my friends. There's my best friend, Lisa, and then my other best friends Lindsey and Lexie. Ever since I was a baby, we have always been friends. We have all gone to school together and now we are all attending the same college. Before I found out I had gotten a scholarship to UT, I had been planning to go to Texas A&M. Me and Lisa would go to A&M and Lindsey and Lex would go to UT. Just thinking about splitting up for the first time in our entire lives can still make tears come to my eyes. NOw I will never know how it would have been.   Sometimes I do wonder how it would have been and sometimes I don't care because I'm so happy to still be with them. I realize that they are such a great part of me and my life. We all know each other so well. There is hardly nothing about them that I don't know and there is nothing about me that they don't know. To even say that they are my best friends does not express how much they mean to me. They are more than just friends. I don't know why, but somtimes I can't help but think about how lucky I am to have them. And at the same time, I know I take them for granted. I know that if I ever need anything, anything at all, that I can go to them and they will help me in a way that no one else can. I once heard this poem that simply explains my relationship with my friends. The poem may not be word for word, but I hope it is can better describe just how much I love my friends. First there was one. Then there was two. You came along and then there was three. A circle of friends, no beginning, no end.
I am writing my first assignment for psychology 301. I am in my room right now. I like my room. I live in Dobie. I live on the 23rd floor. I hate waiting on the elevator. It takes too long. I don't feel like using punctuation or capitalization. I don't have to becasue you told us not to worry about it. I don't even have to worry about spelling either. I'm just typing away. my roommate just passed gas, broke wind, but I do not smell it. yet. My roommate is calling his parents. he left a message. he is going back to houston this weekend for a funeral service for one of his school friends. 2 people died from my school shortly after graduation. it is really sad. I knew one of them. I didnt like him too much because he was annoying, but now I feel bad. he would have left for the navy 2 weeks after that. anyways, my roommate is playing music from his computer, it is really loud, it is an old song, I have no clue what it is. now its playing snoop doggy dogg, it is really old. it is 10:35, I have been typing for 10 minutes now. my suite mates are studying, or attempting to study. we just finished watching MTV music awards. it was really cool. I have never watched so much cable before since my family never ever had cable before. so I watch it all the time. my speaker is right in front of my face. I am trying to type without looking at tke keyboard. I am doing okay, but it is pretty hard. my girl friend os tired. her name is christina. shes looking at my computer screen. she is funny. and very pretty. my side of the room is pretty messy. I need to clean it up. I need to get some book shelves for my books and other items. it is almost friday, I can't wait. today is september 9, 1999. also known as, 9/9/99. people said that bad things are going happen today. but nothing has happened yet, except. one of my suite mates failed his calculus quiz. I just finished my math homework. I am pround of myself. yea! um. anyways. who is going to read this? professor pennebaker? or patrick? oh crap! I forgot to go to SI today. crap crap! I went last week. a lot of people were there. people even sat outside in the hallway. are we going to get a bigger classroom? ethernet is nice. it goes really fast. but not fast enough for $30 a month. what a rip off! my parents already pay a lot for the dorm, and we still have to get over charged for a phone line and ethernet. its not even that fast either. okay, my time is up here. it was fun writing this.
Is there a reason?  These questions have been filling my mind often lately. When I talk to my friends about it they say that they have the same problem. Is this a problem that every young man encounters?  It kin of scary because maybe I'll never find out. Also, can I ever be satisfied. Whenever I gain something I find my self always wanting more. I am incomplete. I have pushed many limits and yet have found no real answers. Some say a man with out a purpose will drive himself insane. Maybe , a man with all the answers has no purpose.
what am I thinking about don't got the foggest clue. looking to see how long I have to write for and what I am going to write about. thinking about a wonderful girl that I wish to be close to just wondering if she wants the smae or if I want to see other people. I do miss having my sister in the same city as me she really has meant a lot to me in the past few years and I do wish she was here. but then again I am loving all of my freedom here. have not talked to my mom in a few days and I like it she is not hounding me to do anything. niether is my grandmother. wonder why kellys dad wanted to talk to me. do miss kelly a little but hopefully we can still be friends  wonder what nicole is doing right now. this is the third time I tried to write but the other tow trys I go restless and stop writing. really did not know what to say but now I am just hoping it is not to late for these writing assignments. always seem to wait till the last minute. I cna hear thoughts in my mind but don't know how to put them into words. or which one should I write about first. lunch was good and now I am feeling better because I got something to eat. don't want to work anymmore at eddie bauer because I don't like it anymore and I don't want to work there because I may have something better to do and plus I hope I can find someone to work for me tomarrow so I can go to the training session to be an offical for intermural football. hope my family is doing ok have not heard from them lately. still have ten minutes to write. my mind is completly blank I keep thinking about this book we read last year in english it was written in stream of thought. hope the professer got my email about the brain test to see if a person is right or left brained. nose itches. relly wish we did not have to do this. or at least not for so long. ok sitting like this is not the easiet  ok that is better. morrre comfortable. hope miriam can go this weekend to george carlin have not talked to her in a week and hope everything is going good with her. my neighbors are wierd they play some stange fucked up music. hope I do good on my quiz tommarow I need to study and catch up on my readings. need to know when my calculus test is. and my eco. test. hope the pysc test is not soon. really need to catch up on some reading. hope nicold can everything taken care of so she is not so stressed out. I love spending time with her she is so wonderfull. I think I may love her but then again I still have a wondering eye. I want to meet nwe people and who know the right woman may be out ther but right now I think she is the one. ok good time is up.