Okay. I'm in the stupid SMURF lab. there are so many people here. I saw Brian downstairs. Sometimes he worries me. He met a new guy the other day and already had sex with this guy. I don't know if he used protection or not. but it worries me. He's so. so. spontaneous about things. I don't ever really know if he thinks things through. He just does as he pleases which isn't a bad thing. but it can be dangerous. I wish he'd just look at himself and what he's doing and decide if it's the right or wrong thing to do. He doesn't need to be going around having sex with whomever whenever. He knows and I know that he's a whore. It's not a surprise to anyone. But, he doesn't care. so it seems. Of course, I call him a whore jokingly but in a way I'm serious about it. He knows what can happen to him and it sucks that he doesn't care. Man. Men!!! Men suck! Josh needs to realize that I will never be with him again. He thinks things will change. he's so wrong. For two years I had to put up with his shit and all his lies. There is no way in hell I'd ever even give a second thought to going back out with him. He knows he's an asshole and I let him know that a long time ago. How dare he even bring up the idea of us getting back together. He's a 12 year old trapped in a 24 year old's body. He has no idea what a good relationship is and he doesn't know the meaning of trust. He needs to grow up and realize that he can't always get what he wants. and when he can't get it he needs to just give up and move on with his pointless life. I've moved on and he needs to realize that. I'm not there to be at his beck and call and I'm not there to just be there when no one else is. He lost whatever respect I had for him a long long long time ago. Why is it that I always seem to get stuck in the worst situations when it comes to relationships? Hell. let's see my record thusfar: hmmm, Josh is the asshole, Jay was just a jerk, Seth is the only man I ever loved and he's in California, Craig was someone that I could consider a "summer love". but he's at another college. Well, screw it!!  I need to concentrate on getting all A's and B's this year so I can get that free plane ticket to anywhere in the US. Plus, I get $50/A!!  I need the money. I'm poor now and I have bills to pay!  Damnit all to hell. bills!!!  Responsibility!!  Yeah, I have responsibilities as an adult but I don't think the 'rents realize that. I'm 19 years old. 20 in April. yet I'm still a little girl who can't do anything right for shit according to them. What the hell do they know?  I'm not living with them now and they don't see how hard I work to get where I am and how hard I try to be social, to get the education I need, and to get a job worth having in this freakin' town!!  It's hard to find a job. but I've done it. And what do they say when I tell them this?  "that's nice". What is that? Why don't they just tell me how they really feel. "Oh, well, that's still not the real world so it doesn't count"  I swear they piss me off. My mom is the worst. She wants to lecture me about dishonesty and all that shit. Well, HELLO! Guess who's fixin' to eat her words!! I caught her smoking this past weekend. Yep. right there by the side of the house puffin' away like a chimney. What was that you said mom?  You quit smoking?  Right. and I was so proud of you!  All that's blown to hell now. So, I caught her. and what did Miss "Liane, I can't trust you" do?  Well, she decides to kiss my ass to try and make up for her lie. Yes sir! She bribed me with four 60-minute phone cards and $50. OH and she even told me that I could just pay for my speeding ticket without having to take the class. . Yes, that means it would go on my record but "oh, that's okay. it's not much more on your insurance. Besides, we just got a load of money back from the insurance company because of our good  driving records". Oh yeah. she was brown-nosing BIG TIME. I have lost a lot of respect for her for doing that. I don't know whether I should just forget about it and let her do what she will or tell my dad and have him deal with it. I swear. this world is nothing but a big mass of contradictions! I'm not saying that I'm perfect. but I've learned over the past few years about what I want out of life and what I don't want. I'm living my life the way I want to. as stress-free as possible and as happy as possible. When I'm put into these stupid situations it just makes life that much harder and it sucks!  I'm so tired of looking at this computer screen. I think it's about time for me to stop thinking. Yep. it is about that time. Thank God. Now I have to go help Brian with his Spanish work that he swore was gonna be "SOOOO EASY". I knew he'd have trouble. and I knew he would turn to me. I'm no bilingual. but what the hell. I do what I can to help my friends out. I've been called "too nice"? How the  hell can someone bee "too nice"?????????