Okay, let's see. I'm really really stressed out right now over Calculus. I feel like I am doing so horrible in it. I made what I consider to be a pretty crappy grade on the homework that was due last night, and all it was was a review. I got a 75. 7. The homework before that I got something like an 85. 3. My goal as of last night is to make a B in the class for the semester. I'm really worried about it though because I really have been studying hard and it seems as though the hard work isn't really paying off. I just need to find some people who know what they're doing to study with and do the homework with. That'd be nice, but I don't know anybody. The only other class I'm seriously worried about, ironically, is this one, Psychology. I don't know what to expect yet all I keep hearing is about how hard it is. I love psychology and am really interested in the material, but I'm still extremely apprehensive. I guess I'm just worried I'm going to do really bad or something. I want to have about a 3. 5 GPA or higher. I don't rightly know how that whole scale works, so I'm not sure how hard that is to do exactly. I'm just so stressed out it seems. This weekend was my birthday and all my friends wanted me to go out and do things, and that's all good, but I actually wanted to stay home and study. I really have been worried. I haven't been really social either. I'm normally a fairly sociable person, or at least I think I am, but lately, I've just been studying. On top of that, I never really make much effort to meet the other girls on my wing, or go out with new people, or even meet that many people in my classes or anything. I have to admit that I have made a few friends, but I guess I had some preconception of my coming here and just being bombarded with cool people and making really awesome connections. I haven't really done that yet. I still get depressed and my eating habits, though better when I first arrived, are starting to diminish fast. What really sucks is that I've found out a way to binge and purge here as well. I was hoping that living in a place with a communal bathroom I would have to stop all that, and that it would be a great leap for me in my recovery, but I've found a way. It's horrible. I see myself slipping more and more each day, and the old thoughts of how easy it would be are starting to come back. I really do hate myself so much sometimes. I feel so worthless. It's like in Calculus, I've been working my ass off and I'm still doing shitty. I don't have any friends, I don't have any self-esteem, and I have horrible social anxiety. It's so bad sometimes. It's been worse lately. Like today, I feel fat and ugly, so therefore I do not look up when I walk, I don't make any attempt to talk to anyone and when they talk to me I have to pretend to give a shit and be perky, whereas I feel so pressured to say something of meaning or something funny or something that's even remotely interesting that I end up saying less. I just hate it. I have nothing to be afraid of, that's what they tell me, but that's just the way it's always been. I hate being alone, and though I'm not really depressed, or at least not as much as I have been in the past, I'm just so damn lonely. I just want someone who I can talk to and laugh with and do things with. It always seems as though I have nothing. The only thing right now in my life it seems is my education. And I work and work and work, and even then it doesn't pay off. Or at least that's how it feels. I know what I am doing, I know what I am, and I'm trying to conquer it, and I've been doing damn good all things considered, but it's just so hard sometimes. I'm going to try and go to a rush function tonight at the business school for Alpha Kappa Psi. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. I know I'm going to have to get drunk before I go otherwise I'm not going to have anything to talk about or even talk to anyone. It's so horrible. There is no difference between me and the person I am when I'm wasted except that I have no inhibitions and I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't think about what they're going to say or think of me if I do this or that. It's still me, I just can't be me unless I'm like that when I first meet someone. All my friends like me for who I am, but most all of them I met when I was drunk. If I had met them sober, maybe we wouldn't have been friends. Thinking about how I'm typing this makes me think it doesn't make much sense, but it does in my head, and that's all that matters here right?  I'm pretty sure that's the point. It doesn't matter if someone else can read it and make sense out of it, it's just that I know what I'm talking about. AAAHHHH!  I feel so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I'm worried about the thing tonight, I feel fat and ugly, Calculus is depressing me, and then Psychology is just scaring the shit out of me. I hate the way I feel. It's as though everything is bearing down on me and I don't know how to control it. I can carry the weight, but I am having an extremely hard time and I don't want to be carrying it. I wish it would just fall off. I just need to calm down and be more focused. My goals seem so hard to attain at the is point. Help.