ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
When I first heard about our first writing assignment, I figured it would be very difficult because I am used to writing about a specified subject matter. But hopefully I can take up these 20 minutes by talking my day or how I feel. Actually, I think I'd like to start out by expressing my thoughts about the pre-testing we were required to do. It was amazing at how some of the questions completely reflected me or something that I might feel or think. I also learned a little about myself, my self-esteem, and my self-confidence. Well, I don't have much of either (self-esteem/ self-confidence). Hopefully, by living by myself and taking care of things here in Austin I will develop these traits. When I first came to college, it was very terrifying because all my life my family and friends have always been with me and even taken care of things for. I almost had no experience about 'living on my own' and 'taking care of myself. ' I mean, I knew how to do my laundry and the essentials, but when it came to asking others questions or figuring stuff on my own, I was not able to do it. For example, I hadn't even ordered pizza by myself! So I naturally hesitated to call up the pizza guy because I wasn't sure of what sizes or deals they had. But I quickly learned here, that YOU have to take initiative and most importantly, no question is stupid. In fact, the question I probably ask, someone else might benefit from it. So I think I have grown a great deal in that aspect while here in college. In addition, I would always do everything with my friends. And upon coming to Austin, I feel/felt very lonely because all my close friends have gone to other colleges. Usually, I'm not very extroverted and won't 'go out of my way' to find a friend. So these past few weeks, I did not let myself do that. I very bravely went up to random people and made pretty good friends with them. This was very rewarding, in that, I don't feel as lost in such a big university, and I'm greatly improving my interpersonal skills. This is a characteristic which I will need for my expected major. I'm still not too keen on what exactly I want to do because when I think about it, I want to do/be everything, but when I think about it again I don't want to do a single think, and be totally carefree! But I think I'll try to keep up my original enthusiasm. I'm thinking about business or communications--at least it's narrowed down THAT much. But I still keep changing my mind in these two subjects. I don't know if I should blindly follow my dad's advice or at least try to see what interests me. Because architecture originally interested me, but my dad would know better and told me not to do that. So I'm really confused about that. Hopefully, I will learn more about myself through my college journey at UT.
Writing about the stream of consciousness is really not my thing. The only  thing I understand is that I am suppose to put my feelings and thoughts as of  now, on paper. Well, what I am feeling right now is tiredness. Last night I  only had 5 hours of sleep and I am really tired and sleepy right now. I figure, since I have time to kill, I better do it completing an assignment that requires action and movement to keep me awake. I am suppose to meet a friend for lunch at 3 o'clock and it is merely 1:30. As I said before, I really need a nice  comfortable mattress so I can take a nap. Other than feeling really tired and lazy, I am also feeling happy. I am glad that I am where I am and grateful  for my parent. I realized that that last sentence really didn't make any sense. Oh, well. In a way I can blame the tiredness I have inside of me on myself and  partially on my cousin. I blame myself because I stayed up late on the phone talking to the friend that is taking me out to lunch today. Then I can blame my cousin because she wanted me to take her to get her immunization shot. Then  what turns out is that the clinic we went to did not operate immunization. Which brings me now to understand that I am frustrated as well. Being that the  clinic that we went to, didn't do immunization, I am going to have to wake up  early again on a different day to bring her to another clinic. I really, really hate waking up early. No matter what it is for, it has to be pretty important for me to get away from dreamland. This seat that I am sitting on right now is really too high for me. Either that or I am really short. The seat is so high that it has my legs hanging off the  ground. Which really sucks because it is making my knees hurt. They feel sore now. The truth is, is that I am really not that short. I am 5'4", so that is about average. Anyway, I realize now that writing about your consciousness is really strange and something your think about at the spur of the moment. Trying to put every- thing down is kind of frustrating when you cannot type as fast as you think. Well, the 20 minutes are up and I have to run. I don't want to bore the person who will be reading this. Although it is already boring as is.
College is so cool. I really can't remember the last time I felt so many emotions at the same time. I've already met so many incredible and different people I can't even begin to describe all of them. I am definately having mixed thoughts about having a boyfriend at this moment because of all the new people I have met and would definately like to meet, get to know, and date. My boyfriend is totally mad because he is so jealous. I hate jealous people I wish everyone would just, I don't know go along with it. I ate the grosests food in jester cafeteria today and had the weirdest conversation with two very interesting and cool guys that I have already met from camptexas. That was like almost the most fun I've had in a really long time I'm so glad I decided to go and wasn't to scared. I was so scared about coming to UT  because it is so big and I just didn't know if I could adjust after going to such a small catholic school. I'm so glad to be away from old people and meeting knew ones. High school was such an almost horrible experience, I hope college is so much better. So I'm in this room with these two guys, one who I met at camptexas and he looks exactly like the guy from rookie of the year he doesn't know it but I have this incredible, horrible, obssesion with him. He is just the hottest guy I have ever seen. So I met this really cool guy from tarytown in New York which is like the place I've been obssessed with since forever. He is a guy I would really like to hang out with. This other guy who is rookie of the years roomate is totally obssessed with Britany Spears I really can't stand her but I think it is just because I am so jealous that he likes her more than me. And Drew has almost naked women pictures all over his wall that makes me very jealous and I was just thinking about jealous people. The music is blasting in my ear I don't know who it is. Drew complains a lot about college ruled spirals and needing more space. I really hate that my roomate and myself don't have much in common. Everyone else seems to be like best friends with their roomates I need a really good girl friend to hang out with. Or maybe I'm just ment to have guy friends. I guess it would be okay with me I get along with  them better. I think classes are going to be really fun and not too hard. Which is really a relief because I though it would be really hard. I've seen so many interesting people. I miss my parents like crazy and my dogs and sisters. I would never trade this experience for going to UTEP that would really suck. I really miss my friend Bianca and Anne. I think for labor day we are going to San Antonio if Anne and Lianna and Vero come up. I was thinking about Noodles the other day I wonder how she is. This is got to be one of the funnest assigments I have ever done. I really think I might double major whith something in Psychology because the human mind is an incredible thing. Well my 20 minutes seem to be up that kind of sucks I guess I could really write forever I need to go write my parents and some friends e-mails and then read a little for Biology and probably go to sleep I'm really tired.
12:58 whoa. Audrey's mom died?  Is that what she just told me?  WHAT? Oh my gosh?  How?  when?  WHY?  Audrey. She's so cute, she's so sweet. she's so smart. number one in her class and this happends to HER. why?  I really don't get it now I feel like I am never going to fight with my parents again. never. did she now that this morning was the last time she'd ever see her mom again?  what if her mom knew that today would be the day she died. how did she die?  in her office!?  they found her in her office at SMU?  I cannot believe this. There is no way I could ever handle this. But I would have to, wouldn't I?  Audrey is, and this is giong to change everything that will ever happen to her. It's just her and her dad now. How would it feel to get a phone call telling me that my mom was found dead?  what is it like to die?  what was she thiking, did she feel and how she'd never see them again?  did she even know she was dieing?  what happens now?  Audrey. I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that it takes this tragedy to make me realize that I'm not ready for anything. I'm ready for college, I'm not ready for independence, I'm not ready for the "real world", and I don't think I'll ever be ready for death. how does it feel to be ready for death?  I read somewhere that maturity means the ability to accept the concept of death. no. I don't think so, because that scares me more that I ever knew until now. now audrey has to say that her mom died when she was 17. NO!  I feel so horible, I wish I could make her feel better. and those three teenagers that died while mobing down here to UT. How does their family feel?  Thyey wree probably upset enough that they were saying bye to their children, not knowing that'd be the last time Ever. I'm so scared. I want to go home and build a big box and live there forever with my mom, and dad, and brother. when am I going to die?  I don't want to think about it. I'd rather die than anyone in my family. but if I'm not scared of it, then why should they be. wait, but I am scared. but I fear it more for others than I do myself. if everyone thinks that way, then maaybe it is okay. I don't think that death will ever be okay, but I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday I'll be able to understand I. I'll have to wake up tomorrow and realize that there is nothing that cannot happen.
well it's 13 min. into my writing and somehow i erased everything that i had. sorry. anyhow where was i.  I wonder if i should stop hanging around with sisters this semester. That would be really hard I don't think i could do it. I need to be around them. I wonder who i like the most right now. Is it abby? Yobel? still caroline?  I wonder if abby would ever hang out with me like one on one. I'm pretty sure yobel would, but she's so young. It doesn't matter to me really but to other people it's such a big deal. I wish all that stuff i had written hadn't of disappeared. what did i do to make that happen?  now the reader's going to think i was goofing off while i should've been writing and made the whole disappearing thing up. i wonder if it'll let me go on for more that 20 minutes. why would it have a fishish button if you were supposed to write for the entire 20 minutes. do some people write shorter. I want to find out but i don't want to push the button cause i may not be able to go back. I wish i had't burned my tongue yesterday. I hate it when i burn my tongue. I wonder where yobel is. I'm starting to get if for her i'm afraid. And when i get it i get it bad. can't i just go one semester without liking somebody?  time's almost up. well i guess i'll contunue writing a little longer since my first part got erased. how did yobel's legs get so muscular. They're awesome. I like the way they make her walk. I wonder if i should've sat by her on the bus today. We could've talked for twice as long. I'm glad i waited for her afer i got off the bus. It probably hinted to her that i like her though. nobody else knows that. should i keep it that way. can i keep it that way?  i hope so. It was horrible last semester with caroline. everybody knew. I hate that. i got to keep this one in my head. in my heart. Maybe i can teach her volleyball and she could teach me soccer. she seemed pretty impressed when i told her about my volleyball class. I wonder if she likes me. Maybe she thinks i'm too old. I don't look old though. I bet peter hogan looks older than me, and he's just a year older than yobel. If anything happens that wouldn't be too much of a problem. I wonder hwere peter hongan is now. why did he disappenar after he got his breakfast?  well if i'm not going bowling i guess i can spend money on breakfast. I wonder who will be there in the cba . i wonder if yobel is there right now. i guess i swing by and see. I'm sure i'll see somebody there anyhow
I guess it's just freshman blues, but it seems to me that everyone here knows their way around and feels comfortable. I miss my family and home a lot. my courses seem pretty easy except my psychology course. I didn't realize how much I had forgotten of the precalculus I took in high school. I miss my high school crush. He comes here but I haven't seen him. Oh, well. I can't wait for this week to be over. I get to go home this next weekend. I was extremely bored here in the dorm over this past weekend. there was absolutely nothing to do. I don't know what else to write about but the assignment said not to stop so I guess I won't. I just realized something about myself,  I can't let myself misspell a word even though the assignment said not to worry about errors. I am getting slightly annoyed by some of the people in my hall. They are very loud and I haven't slept well the past few nights because of them. I really hope they don't get loud tonight. I really need a good night's rest. My chemistry teacher is so funny. Not because she has a great sense of humor because if she does I wouldn't know but because she has this thick French accent. it's just refreshing to hear someone that sounds a little different than everyone I know. Speaking of which, it is extremely difficult to meet people here. Sure everyone seems friendly but there are some very rude people as well. I guess I'm just too shy for my own good. I don't suppose I'll ever grow out of it. I didn't use to be this shy. I don't know what happened. I wish I could graduate from this place already. Granted, I've only been here a week and a couple of days, but I was recently reminded how much I hate school. I think I've figured out a way to graduate in three years with my ever so special degree. I hope I make a lot of money when I graduate so I can rub it in my brother's face. He graduated from college about two years ago and he thinks that because he's making thirty thousand dollars per year that he's rich. well I will hopefully be making about forty five to fifty thousand dollars per year starting out so maybe that will make him hush up. I'm still not sure if I want to continue to pursue this particular degree or attempt medical school. I did a bunch of research this summer and discovered that almost two thirds of all those who apply to medical school get turned down. I would hate to come to the end of my four years here and not be able to continue with my plans. I would cry non stop if I didn't get in because then I would have to go and find a job and wait for an entire year before reapplying to a school. It would be sheer agony and I don't know if I could take it . Plus I think it would disappoint my parents and it would just give my brother one more thing to throw in my face. Well it's just about been twenty minutes so I think I'll go back to my exciting life of doing homework non stop and feuding with my dorm neighbors.
I am still adjusting to not being at home in Houston. I still do call Houston home and will for quite a will I am guessing. I am really glad to be at UT and aall but its a little scary. I know the classes will be very hard and that scares me a little. But so far, my classes have all been verry interesting. This summer I took a few classes at Tomball and I could barely stay awake. That is how much they interested me. Here it is different. I am not even the slightest bit bored during my classes. They definitely hold my interest. Philosphy and psychology are the most interesting to me. they overlap quite a bit. I cannot wait to go home this weekend. I miss my family, my animals, my friends, and my boyfriend soo much. I have used up four hours of calling cards already just keeping in touch. It was really hard form me to leave ecerybody back home. My parents are all alone now in a five bedroom house with no children to look after. Both my sister and I are in college already. She is a senior here at UT. I am really glad that we are going to the same school now because we never have before. But right now we are in a little tift. She came over to my dorm room the other day and waas really making me mad. She always says what I should do, what I need to do , what I should have done, and so on. We let our emotions get the best of us sometimes. I told her that she is not welcome back in my dorm room ever again. I really shouldn't have said that and I don't mean it. In fact, I really would like to see her again pretty soon. I called her yesterday ( it had been about three days since the fight) and we talked for about a total of fifteen seconds, but we did not fight at all, so I guess there's a little progress there. She only does what she does to look out for my best interest, so I should not take it so personally when she tells me that I am doing something wrong. I really don't want to miss the first football game this weekind on Saturday, but I guess I will so I can have a long weekend back at home. It will be worth it I think. There will be plenty more games to come in the future. I have to go to biology in 45 minutes. That class seems ok so far, but I know that I will struggle in there. I am really not a science person int that sense. I did alright in high school chemistry and all but that's a little different I'm sure. I hope I do alright in there. I know that computers are helpful and all, but they intimidate me a little. Everything is on the internet here. I am not used to being so dependant on computers. I do not even have a computer in my room, but hopefully I will get one soon.
it stresses me . I this what I want to do or I am finishing something merely because I feel I have to. I think this is what I want my degree in but just maybe not what I want to do seriously. I am so much happier about my life at school already. I want to meet a good guy that I can hang out with and not worry about how I look and stupid stuff like that. I just hope it happens pretty soon. I love art now. There something so mysterious about it to me. What were they thinking?  Although I think some of it is sketchy as to call it some sort of meaningful piece but I guess it is to them. It is definitely one of those things left to the beholder. I am not sure if I buy into all this psychology stuff,  It is a little hard to follow. We'll see. Just out of curiosity, what are they going to be able to tell about me from this bit of blabber. I bet they read a lot of weird stuff. I am normal, I guess. Sometimes I am a bit complicated but in an interesting way, of course. I do stress about that. If I am to complicated for the guys I am around at school. So many of them are just existing until their next beer. Get a life. and a job. I think I am looking in the wrong place. maybe I am looking and that is my problem. It is kind of something that makes time pass. You know, waiting for the next guy, wondering what he'll be like, if you know him already, if he has a girlfriend. I am stressing that I will have to stay up too late tonight. Couldn't stay awake in class,  That bothers me. It is rude. I don't know what to say for 20 minutes. I probably won't go the whole time. I have a lot to do. I wonder what they think of me so far. Honestly what I am thinking now is not always what is on my mind so forming some sort of a synopsis is unjust. Just checked to see how much I had written. This is really boring, you know. I talk to myself all day. The last thing I wanted to do was write it down. I have to try to balance my spending every month. I have 3 weeks left and its not looking good, already. If only I had a job, I wouldn't feel so bad about asking for extra cash every month. But I don't and I do feel bad. I must go, this is driving me insane. I keep thinking about what I have to do.
A of the present I guess the most common feelings I have are nervousness, excitement, sad, and happy. I imagine that these emotions are all quite normal, especially for a first year student. I guess the first two I will talk about are the "better" of the bunch: happy and excitement. The main reason I am feel these would have to be that for the first time in my life I have "true" responsibilty, there is not a parent or teacher looking over my shoulder to make sure I finish all my work and get it in on time, it is up to me. Secondly, I am lookinf forward to the learning style of college. No longer will I be bambarded with quesitons asking about pointless dates and useless facts, I will be asked to explain the theories and ideas taught in class. The lack of this is what I disliked about grade-school. I guess, at least in my case, for eahc "good" feeling there is an oppisite, "not-so-good" emotion. Most of the people I have talked to that went off to college were the most nervous about the simple fact of being away from home, "being on your own. "  I have friends as close as 20 minutes from home feeling the same thingas those 3000 miles away. But, at least as far as I can tell, I am not that home sick. THe part about being away from home is the fact that most of my friends are going to school at home. Granted I have a few friends going off to colleges that aren't at home or isn't UT, but the most part if my friends are not in San Antonio (home), then they are up here at UT, in fact my roommate has been a friend of mine since 8th grade. Even on top of the "friends" factor, the one that gets me the most is that my girlfriend is still at home. That would have to be the hardest part about coming to UT and the reason for the most nervousness and most about of sadness. Lucky for us though San Antonio is not that far, coparatively speaking, so the amount of time we can spend together is greater than that of my friends who went to other states and have a boyfriend or girlfriend in San Antonio. Although I am in the Longhorn Band, so that, at least for the fall, is eating up most of my time, but the time we do have together we enjoy a great deal, and both of our families support us so that helps considerably. So I guess all-in-all there are a lot of good emotions and feeling in me involving the change to "college-life", but nontheless there are still those "not-so-good" ones residing in me.