Excersise really does work. it does release happy chemicals. i feel reasonably energized now. but at the same time, i feel like it already peaked. its wearing off. jealousy is funny. chris and harvey met three girls while i was gone. i feel left out. i have a girlfriend, and i love her more than anything. i miss her. id give anything for one of her hugs now. but perhaps just the fact that they are meeting people and I am not is making me jealous. but. if they had met some guy, i don't think i'd be very jealous. its girls. i like girls. girls make good friends. i seem to have more close female friends than most with girlfriends do. i always thought this was a good thing, but lately, given my reaction to this new college environment im begginning to wonder if it is. im begginning to wonder whether i just want to meet girls, and have the romantic tension that will never amount to anything more. the romantic tension makes me feel good about myself. shouldnt my girlfriend make me feel good about myself? she does. but i always want more. It's impossible to do this assignment without sort of planning it out. i want music now. i still feel jealous. but while writing about it, some of it has subsided. i feel guilty for being so jealous of my close friends. in fact, my best friend. my roommate. i don't know if he considers me his best friend. it would flatter me more than anything to find out  he did. if he ever told me. if i died, i wonder how many people would say their best friend died? i feel like im a best friend to many people. i feel guilty for this, because   best   friend usaually implies an exclusive position. Now that i think back, there have been many instances where one of my friends would tell another friend that they were my best friend. i considered the friend they told my best friend. and i felt like i had done something wrong, like made the person who wasnt my best friend feel to close to me. i like close friendships, with anybody. i don't like going to parties. i like hanging out in small groups, or just talking to one person for a long time. i think i have made a lot more close friends this way than people that go to parties. I think a lot of people are jealous of me, because i manage to maintain intimate friendships with so many people. its odd how oblivious i am to this jealousy. im constantly insecure. I've questioned repeatedly how anybody could like me. i never want to meet anybody like me, i could see through them to everything i hate about myself. even as i tell myself now that people will jealous of me, im sure something will happen tonight that will make me forget that. When im jealous of someone, i don't understand how they could be jealous of me. i'm constantly jealous. for my freshman seminar on concepts of sin, we have to pick our own sin to write about. my sin will be envy. the one i can't control. other sins don't give me as much trouble. im a very restrained person. i think restraint and balance are more important than anything else. especially in love. i say that because i remember a word my teacher was talking about that meant to love your spouse too much. she said it used to be a sin, but its not anymore. it began with a j. i wish i could remember it. im sure ill look it up soon. its a word that relates to me a lot, and i bet i'll sound very smart when i use it. people will think im a very educated person who not only understands himself, but also uses big words to describe his self understanding. anyway, i agree that loving your spouse too much is a sin. my spouse type figure and me seem to have a mutual understanding about this. its odd how at times i love everything, and at other times i love nothing. i wonder if the aderall i take affects that. it seems to stimulate my emotions. sometimes when i take it late at night so that i can focus on studying, i start crying from pure emotion. heh, well, obviously not pure. harvey aays its okay to take because it was prescribed to me. i still think id feel better about myself if i wasnt on it. this band makes me feel better when im troubled. its odd, because theyre lyrics are very meaningless to me. but the music has this sleazy, yet upbeat sound that somehow taps into what im feeling. i wonder if they created this sound on purpose. i saw them live in austin, it was a fun show. i remember a drunk man who was extremely happy jumping up and down a lot and yelling right next to me. that was the first time i ever wondered if i should start drinking. i think I've still decided no.