It's too late to really be writing anything I think but then again I'm here aren't I? Hard to believe I am if you were to ask me where I was going to be twenty years from now it wouldn't be here. I miss my Mom and Dad though I'm not supposed to be there either. Isn't there a time when you're supposed to stop writing about your mom and dad. I'm worried that I'm not writing what I'm supposed to or that I'm not doing this naturally What is naturally anyways I mean it seems like kind of a cop out really. Naturally is a lot harder to accomplish than it looks wouldn't you say oh whoa is me I keep messing up my words and I'm not sure if this is even supposed to look pretty or what the thing with this stupid laptop is how stupid it really is It keeps on jumping up and down to the thing or in the middle of this it so it is impossible to get things down. Is natural easy for you? I wonder if that is true It's even harder to believe it is only 12 32 Whatever happened to going to bed early? I was going to attempt to do that you know Go to bed early It seems that whenever I am away from home these things occur The thing is I do this all the time. write without thinking except I do think about how things are spelled and I can't do this now Or it would take way too much time. Are you guys actually going to read this? I'm sure there are many others who are writing more fascinating things than me. I wish I could think of something funny to say then maybe I'd get an A what's funny I wonder. I wish I was in bed I'm sooo tired I haven't slept a wink I'm so tired my mind is on the brink I wonder should I get up and get myself a drink oh oh o oh I'm so tired Oh who will save your soul to me that means everything you know the songs in your head have nowhere to go except leaving the words on the page an I supposed to be speaking in poetry here? Or will I get counted off ? Are you supposed to be wondering what you get counted off for in college I wonder? My fingers are starting to hurt but the only way I can write this stream of consciousness is by lifting my hands off the keyboard because otherwise the problem arises. I've been thinking about SMU lately and how much I miss it? But do I? What is here for me that SMU doesn't have Why friends of course yet do I have friends? I have Scott I guess though I wish more than anything I had more maybe he'd like me better Shoulders are always cramping up do they do that in others ? In tours Whose reading this anyways? Are my thoughts interesting to you I wish I had a yewl leaf or a yule log Yule that's such a cool word reminds me of Christmas I sound like a goddamn Theater major being all dramatic. What is so wrong with being dramatic I wonder What is so wrong with wanting people to see you/. anyway/. I look at all these people and I criticize them all the time I even criticize scott and I wish I didn't because then I think life would be much easier to live in I don't think anyone's as negative as I am Has it been twenty minutes yet? Oh I have ten left. I wish I could get in side the teacher's but then would I really like what I see. sounding like a theater major again and the roses are blooming outside but they'll be dead soon because they are so lovey all the flowers I have die it seems. I got to get out of this place but then where will you go You want to go to another body but you know the problems will be just as frightening there Travis Craig Maria Todd Ben Jamie, Paige Ben what happened to you all? How come I never was on your crowd? How come you never thought I was cool enough to include in your circle? To respect? To invite? You know I think I would have stopped being so goddamn nice if you had invited me not made me feel like I had to try so hard to be your friend but I don't understand why I had to try so hard? What was wrong with me? I guess it was just sitting down with you all. I couldn't think of anything to say to you and now I can't think of anything to say to anyone? Does that mean they all think of me the same way? Am I doomed to be uncool forever/ Will I ever have that group of friends that I love to watch from afar? I keep trying and trying. I wonder what I would have possibly have done to be happier at SmU? I wanted to be their center of attention. I think I could have handled it if boys hit on me,. but they never did you know. I think I could have handled it if they had come up to me and said hey. you know were going to a movie tonight do you want to come? We really want you too,. I really want you too. And have it not be on a school night for God's sake. I mean that was half my problem I never went to anyone's house on a school night. I wanted to study. Was that so bad? And I guess I just felt very intimidated when I went over there because all I could really do was watch. I could never really join in because they didn't think it was worth listening to ? Or was it my fault because I just didn't try? Now I'm here and I don't feel any different at the coop except at this point I really don't care if they accept me or not because I have tons of more important things to do. I have my time school you know School take up like Scott's work and your theater and everything. , UT is my life now,. ,. my best friend I guess. What is a best friend anyway? Everyone has their faults I guess a best friend is someone oh times up.