If I were to fly to Pennsylvania to see Julia, Brint and I would have to go together, it'd cost a hell of a lot but maybe for spring break or something we could go. She says it's really pretty up there, it gets really cold too. I hate the cold weather. I have an image in my head of these nice clean streets, kind of hilly, in autumn with all the leaves changing colors and falling on the ground. She says it's supposed to be beautiful, like a carpet. And we'd go see Vicky in Philly. Though we'd have to take the train, all sorts of new stuff. But I won't get to see her until Christmas and I know I won't be able to go before that. She's going to Disney world before Christmas so I won't even get to see her much then either. I've never been to Disney world or Disneyland or anything. All I want is some of those Mickey Mouse ears and to ride the teacup ride. I told Cassandra in eighth grade or our freshman year or something that when she went to get me some and I'd pay her back but she never got them. I wish we still would have been friends just a little more in high school. I mean I realize that the whole little group broke up when we got to high school but still. I really wish I was still good friends with Andrea. I miss her so much sometimes. She's dating some guy now that I don't even know, I didn't even know she was dating someone. We used to be such good friends, inseparable. I practically lived at her house an entire summer and we did everything together. Then I left her and she went off and became "popular" or whatever. Which pisses me off because I when we got to high school she was fat and not that pretty and now all of a sudden she's miss beauty queen and she's too good to hang out with me. Not that we would have anything in common these days and I guess it is my own fault for the way things went. But I just wish I would have gotten to share some of those high school things with her. I miss her so much. It's really weird because I have all these best friends, like 5 or 8 and its not like I ever thought about her much in high school. Every once in a while, but now that I'm here it seems that I miss her more, I haven't really thought about her any more than normal I guess. Although right before I left, for a couple of days I thought about her a lot and I really wanted to email her a letter of some sort, kind of apologizing I guess for the way things went between us. They didn't go bad or anything, they just kind of went away. I think I still might email her. The reason behind it all is Jeremy. I talked to him the other day and it was weird. Like it didn't feel weird at the time but now that I look back and think it was just weird. I 'd really like to see him again sometime soon. I don't know why because I know it probably won't be good for me. Things are strange because if I'm not around him for a while I'll think about him and in an odd way miss him. But the second I get around him I suddenly realize why the hell I hate him so much and why I can't stand to be around him. I'm sure I have some underlying issues with all that that I just can't define or pick out. Well I know I do, I dated the damn guy for three years of my life. Three years of high school no less. My first real experiences are all owed to him. Now that I look at it, it was probably a really bad idea, in know it was, to date him all while I'm just being introduced to things in the world. Those are things I should have experienced on my own, not with him in my life. And plus I wasted 3 years of my life, there's no telling who or what would have happened in those three years. Or who I would have become. Which is the other aspect of it, I'm not sure which side I agree with more. Because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today and I think for the most part I like who I am. And I had all these experiences with him and I learned so much and it just makes you wonder what would have happened and how would I have turned out if I hadn't dated him. I mean I'm glad I have all these experiences under my belt because I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to come here without knowing a lot of the things I do, and I'm glad they were with somebody I "loved". But it just really gets to me to think, what if. I'm so curious to know how things would have gone if it weren't for him. And now I'm even starting to doubt my love for him. Was I really in love or was I just fooled somehow? I'm sure I loved him as a person, and now I'm even starting to wonder about that too. Maybe it's just the suppressed anger or whatever that makes me doubt my feelings for him, or maybe I just honestly didn't. But I was obviously feeling something at the time. And last time is so much different than this time. That's what brought on the whole questioning thing of do I really know what it is to be in love or am I just imagining these things?