ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
I am sitting in the computer lab at ESB wondering if what I'm writing will stay confidential, and I hope it doesnt become some neato example for all the psych-kids to wanna do tests on me or something. Besides the fact that its kinda cold in here, the only other thing I can think about is how distraught I am that my girlfriend/potential wife wants to end a three year relationship. I know that I have done nothing wrong to cause the break up, and she assured me of that, and that is what confuses me. I would rather it be something about me that she didn't like rather than it be nothing at all, because I could at least come to terms with that and learn from it. She is such a wonderful woman and I love her very much. She said she doesn't NOT love me, but that these three years she has seen no internal peace, and with her graduating this fall, and with all the stress of her future, she can't bear this unrest any longer so she must stop the relationship. She told this to me just two days ago, after not seeing one another for the entire summer since she was working and out of the country while I was here doing summer school (or should I say that summer school was doing me). She just decided to leave me on her own accord and expect me to throw away three years in a single phone call. I am going crazy inside. I cannot understand why she gave up on me over the summer. She is a kind hearted woman and I know that when she told me she loved me that her words were true, and that is why I cannot understand why she's willing to let it all go. Right now I can fell my heart beat very hard. I can sense every time it moves my chest and I can see my shirt moving slightly around the area of my heart. I can see my shirt moving to the beat. My fingers are cold and my mind in total and utter confusion. I sat through two classes phasing in and out of lecture, trying to pay attention, but I can't. I told her that I am coming this weekend to college station to see her and talk to her face to face. I need to know what I can do to remedy this situation. I ask God for guidance, and I can't make out his message. I need to open my heart a lot more and let him inside and clear my mind of this so I can hear him correctly. I can feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes and I push them back very quickly so as to not let on how I am feeling to anyone in this computer lab. She tells me that there's nothing I can say to change her mind, but I need to try nonetheless. I really could use someone to pick me up right now. Now Im thinking about my 15 hours semester course load and how its going to be so difficult to think straight with this on my mind. I've got to ask my friend/roommate to help me thorough this. 20 minutes. My times' up.
O. K. Here I am in the computer lab in my dorm. I really do not know what to say because I have never had an assignment like this before. Anyway, college life is very different from my high school life. I do no t drink therefore being with a complete different crowd of people, I find myself being very uncomfortable. I suppose once I get settled and used to my new surroundings that everything will be fine. Don't get me wrong, I love UT. I could not wait to get here, it is just the whole different atmosphere. I have met a lot of interesting people so far and I am sure there are many left to find and meet. My classes are so much more time consuming than I ever expected. I joined a sorority this year and now I never seem to have any time to myself. Then there is the whole boyfriend situation. My boyfriend goes to A&M. Real convenient right. I miss him so much when I am here. He is the best person I have ever met in my entire life. His generosity, compassion, sensitivity, and love amaze me. I am so happy when I am with him. He is coming tomorrow to see me. Needless to say I am counting down the hours and minutes until he arrives. I have so much planned for us to do. I am fine being with out him. Long distance relationships are harder than you think they would be. We are making it work however. I have never trusted anyone as much I do him. I think it is the same with him. I am not nervous about him being in a different town or setting - I know he would never do anything to hurt. It is just the whole being apart thing. it has only been two weeks since we have seen each other. Sounds like a short time to everyone else but they just do not understand. that is another thing. I do not think many people understand me. My boyfriend, Jay does- very well- it is almost scary well he knows and understands me. it also provides comfort though. I cannot believe this whole paper has turned into a description of my life with my boyfriend. Anyway, he is coming tomorrow like I said and I cannot wait. Next weekend I am going home to Lufkin. Jay is going with me. I was on drill team and will be returning to the homecoming game. It will be a nice break from the hectic college world. I miss my bed. there is something about YOUR bed. the ones here are not the same. I miss my dog too. She is so sweet and loving. She used to sleep with me and now there is not a lump in the foot of my bed. Well I believe my time is up. this was fun. I have never sat down and written out my thoughts and feelings - I think it helps!
I am thinking about the pain in my throat right now, I have mono. Soon I will find out whether or not I have strep throat. In fact , I need to call the medical center hotline later, although I guess it really doesn't matter that much because I am already taking penicillin. Last night I could not sleep at all I was in so much pain. I would try and try to forget about the pain, and finally slip of into sleep. But, then about an hour later I would wake up and wish I was dead, not literally, but I just wish the pain would go away. I can deal with feeling sick all the time because I know that will eventually go away. I have so much stuff I need to do still, but I never have the energy to do it. I miss all of my family and sometimes feel lonely, but, I guess that is part of growing up. Texas plays Rudgers this weekend here and I already have my tickets, I wonder what that whole day will be like. I also miss all of my friends from high school, but I got two letters 2 days ago. I always feel sort of lonely at the start of school. Even when I was a little kid I would be really nervous when starting school, but it always ended up getting better by the end of the year. I was so ready to get out of my house this summer, my mom and I argued all the time. But, now I seem to really miss them, I think because I am sick I miss them even more because they have always been there to comfort me when I was sick. I wonder how my brothers are doing, I haven't talked to them in a couple of weeks. Everything here at UT is overwhelming, the system just doesn't seem to care about me. The people here are nice, but the red tape is difficult to cut through. I hope I can actually make good grades in my Calculus class, which is really hard. I guess  I need to get a tutor and work on not putting my assignments off to the last minute. Computers are really interesting. They seem like part of the "system" and red tape involved in everything. Not that I don't appreciate or like technology, It just isnt personal at all. I need people around me in order to feel good and have fun, that is why I think I miss my family, they were always there to talk to. I know I can graduate from college, but I sometimes wonder whether or not I really can. I also wonder about the many paths my life could take. Will I be truly happy in the future? Will somebody love me enough to marry me?  Will I ever find a person I want to marry. What job will I have, how much money will I make. Will I be as successful as my Dad?  Can I live up to all of the expectations of my family?  Sometimes I see answers to these questions, I don't know how, and what are these visions, are they just part of my imagination?  I feel like time is passing and I am not really making an impact.
College is a lot different that I thought it would be. Things are not as simple as they use not be. Individuals on campus tend to be greatly deceiving in appearance and motives. Walking down jester I see about five people at once trying to get me to join their particular club or organization. Man I don't know if I want to join a sorority or not, and if I do i'm not sure which one to join. there are so many different ones with unique styles. Not to mention that I would feel bad if I don't at least go to the meetings. mainly because my sister co founded the delta in houston. but the one in austin is not the same in activities and purpose. The ones at Ut are mainly all about parties. I need to find out what we are all doing tonight. if we go clubbing I need to find out who all is driving and how I am getting everywhere. I hate this about Austin no one really has a car and it is so inconvenient to go out. Of course unless you find a guy with a car. but I doubt that will happen any time soon more importantly I don't even want to find a guy right now. I need to deal with getting use to college life and then I need to just have fun I guess. I have so much more freedom here, there is no one to enforce strict curfew, or make you do anything. Everyone at UT is on their own and self reliant and self dependent. although it might sound scary at first it is a rush to have so much space to grow. Not only that but you meet people and they can impact your life in ways you would of never imagined, and that is what I love the most about this experience. I would contend that college life is definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I am grateful to have the chance. I can't wait until college really starts and I get the hang of it all. When things are new it takes a while to get use to it but soon enough I hope I get the hang of it all. The atmosphere here unlike any other I have ever been in and I believe that is a good thing. Change brings about bigger and better opportunities. Not to mention that my parents are not here. The main reason that I even decided to go to the University of Texas is to be away from home. I need to me away from the usual drama of living at home. The only thing here is that the penalty can be a lot more serious for things you get in trouble for. I hope we don't in too much trouble for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, on Tuesday. Man if they call my parents I will be in so much trouble it is not even funny. They are going to kill me and then make me go back to the University of Houston which I swore I would never do.
well, write now I guess there are a lot of things going through my head, but it's hard for me to put them into words I guess. well I had fun last nite. i went to a party witha bunvh of friends. a lot of people were drinking, but iwas one of the few that wasn't drinking. it seemed like everyonw who was drinking had fun, but I had fun, even though I didnt drink. i had fun just dancing an d meeting people. i met a lot of guys, which wus good. since I usually am kinda shy bout meeting peopple. anywyas. i'm really tired right now, because we only went to sleep around 6, even though we came home around 430, and I had to get up at 11 because a friend from out of town styed over, so I had to help them pack and get ready to leave and stuff. gosh, I lkie so many guys right now, but I think that my other friends like the sme guys that I like, or at least they think he's cute too, but I don't know what to do aobut it. oh well, I guess I'll jus have to figure somthing out. man, I have a lot of homework to do today. actually I need ot catch up on my reading. i have a lot of reading to do in this class, then I have chem homework and calculus homework. i'm so lost in my chem class. well, not lost, but I wish I knew someone else in that class, so I could at leasst have someone to do homework with or jus to call if I had any questions, buti  guess I should just start meeting people in there, or someting, because I really need to find a study buddy in there. I think that's my only class that I don't know anyone in. i have friends in my language class, and in my calculus class and in my psych class. i just don't kno anyone in my chem class. but hopefully that will change soon. oh today either my roomate's dad or my dad called today, but this guy that was in our room picked up the phone, and our partents are really strict about guys, so I hope I don't get in trouble. the guy who picked up the phone covered it up pretty well, but then we expected our parntets to call again, but no one ever called, so I kinda got worried, that they would think that we have guys in our room. oh well, I think I may be getting worried over nothinh. because they probably wont even say anyting, or even know. oh well. oh, I have a minute left in my writing assigment, so I guess that's it
"no, I don't want your number, no, I don't want to give you mine and no, I don't want to meet you somewhere, no, I don't want none of your ti-ime. " (the song that is in my head) I am worried that I lost a green piece of paper, among other things. sigfried and roy. I am eating wheat thins. zucini. go fly a kite. there is an antropology major on this floor. my back itches. 'she sells sanctuary'. my roomate talks, talks, talks. my philosophy prof. likes to drop the chalk. "no, nosy-girl, go look at the door" (that's what I just said) she's a hobbit-girl. I like it when people breakdance. I regret that I have only one blah to give for my country. all my friends talk about is records and porn. I'm trying to hide the fact that I like ska and very confused about what I should be. I only pretend to know everything, really I don't believe anything. it's easier that way. I don't like pepsi. ut gives me pimples and blisters. I don't want to get my wisdom teeth extracted because I don't want to like medicine. I'm black at night and white during the day, my door says so. I'm thinking that I may have a vague headache. my eye don't want to be open. dammit I'm not thinking about anything at all. chicken coops and grey days. saris. "rollercoaster of love" they don't make beef alphabet soup anymore and that sucks. red old shack and a cow in the back. my roomate has a lumpy forehead and she prays funny. blah blah blah. saturn is my favourite planet. "the faces she's watching, she's watching the faces. "
As I listen to this music I think about when I was younger, when I had a friend named Casey. But is she still my friend, or not?  What about Joanna, she thousands of miles away in Korea. I really don't know what I feel for her. I want to be with her, but I don't think as much as she does with me. I feel guilty, but what have I done to her, I have been there for her, drove her around, let her cry in my arms. I must sound shallow, maybe not, I really don't know. Is she the one, I really don't know how to answer this question. What happens next, if she moves back, then she will probably live with me. I don't know if I can handle that. I have started talking to Heather, she is very sweet, but is just someone to latch on to or is she really special. It started out harmless enough, but we have really started talking, and I really like her, as much as Joanna I really can't say, shouldn't I be worried more about school, I have astronomy homework due Friday. I feel like I can almost tell when Heather is going to call or come in. right now she is one of my best friends, in a world that is new to me. in fact since I have been here, the best friend I have had. Heather has a very sweet personality and a good understanding of people. much like many people I have met, good or bad I really can't say. sometimes I catch eyes with her and my heart takes a drop, a feeling that I haven't had in a long while. that really feels good, it opens you back up, makes you feel good, alive, a purpose. if I do break it off with joanna, what will happen, will that be a big mistake what if she is the one. how can break it off with someone who is in Korea, that is cruel, she hasn't done anything to me, I haven't done anything to her though. you get to a point where living life in a certain way or doing something in a certain way is just not right anymore. or doesn't seem right, being or I am really not with her, just doesn't seem right. but if I am not with her anymore will it not seem right in that respect also. this subject is really what I hide from in life, am a an asshole, or I am just telling the truth to myself, I mean after all the school saying or whateveris YE SHALL TELL THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE is the truth making me free or tearing me apart, I think I do love joanna, that is the bummer part, but to go into it with the scales tipped is just wrong, maybe I am wrong, I really don't know
Okay, I'm not quite sure what to write. I'm sitting in the undergraduate library right now because I can't get my computer at home to get internet access. It is a pain to have to have to come all the way down here to use the computer, but on the other hand it's good because while I'm here I'm going to study some other class materials. Maybe coming to the library will motivate me to keep up with my studies. It's ten minutes until 9pm on Sunday and I can't wait to go to bed! I just got done working out and I am already a little sore. I had a good day today, I did a little shopping this afternoon, and then I got to see my parents. They were driving through Austin on their way home, San Antonio, from Fort Worth. We went to dinner and got to visit for a little while. I was happy to see them, but a little sad because the reason they went to Fort Worth was to see my grandmother, my mom's mom. She has breast cancer and isn't doing as well as we'd like. She's especially nervous today because she starts radiation all over again tomorrow. It's kind of tough to think about this because my mind starts to wander and start asking thousands of "what if" questions. What if she passes away? What is my grandfather going to do? How will my family survive? Luckily enough, my family is very close, so I know that everyone will find the support they need, but there is still no way to prepare yourself for these things. My mom says that she's more worried about how my two sisters and I are going to be when my grandfather on my dad's side passes. He's only 69 years old, but he has diabetes and doesn't take care of himself like he should. My body is weak right now, mainly from working out, but I can't help but notice that I feel like my body is "sunken" since I started talking about death. You'd think that I would talk about something cheerful, especially since I am a pretty cheerful person. I guess I just need to talk about my fears for a while. Well, the rest of my life is going well. I transferred here from Texas Tech and I am adjusting to UT and Austin pretty well. I definitely miss my friends from Tech, but I can always visit them. I'm in an incredible relationship with my best friend. Mark and I have been together for close to two years now. It's an amazing thing to find true love. It's kind of scary to think that this is probably going to be the guy I spend the rest of my life with, but without a doubt I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel like just yesterday I was starting high school, and here I am in my second year of college. God has given me some incredible attributes. I think I look up to my parents a great deal. They have been married for over twentyfive years and are going strong. It's an amazing thing to grow up in such a loving and supportive household. I think the most amazing part, is that the love and support does not end with my immediate family, it travels throughout my entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. If you can't tell already, family is definitely number one in my book, and it will continue to be that way. Well, I have rambled on and on for the past twenty minutes so it is time to go study and read.
The past two weeks have been extremely stressful. There has been so much going on, it has been hard for me to keep up with school work. I have not found much time for me to go out and relax. Although, I believe that the stress I have encountered is being relieved. As the school year progresses I think I will be able to juggle school, work and my friends. I have been getting a lot sleep. Even though I get plenty of sleep I still wake up in the mornings feeling tired and worn out. I don't know why, but I think I might be because I have been getting too much sleep! I think that is one of the main reasons I haven't been keeping up with my school work. This might also be the reason why I am stressed out. I have been so busy trying to catch up with the reading in philosophy. I went through provisional so I did not really get a summer vacation. So I want to slack off, but I know I cant. I do believe as time progresses I will be less stressed.
I'm in my boyfriends apartment and my friends and I are doing our laundry. I feel very tired since I have an 8:00am class. I've had a pretty good day though, I love UT. My classes seem okay and I'm sure I'll do fine. I don't feel at all homesick, which is good. My parents miss me so much though and I feel bad for that. I'm going home this weekend even though I don't want to, but that's okay. I don't think I'm doing this right. no one will probably ever read this so why should I care. I feel like such a number at this school, but I am determined to change that. I feel like I'm writing in my journal. Emily and Annie are over here too and they brought their homework. I wish I had brought mine. I am so afraid that I'm going to get behind in my classes and not make good grades. I want a gpa of 3. 5 or better. Maybe it was stupid to set a goal that high, but that's good for me because last year I could have done a lot better. I don't regret it though, I had a very nice senior year. This year I want to study very hard though and be able to say I tried my hardest. I also want to get a PhD in psychology. I don't know why though because I just want to be a housewife. I love the idea of people calling me Dr. Hutchins though, that would be so cool. Being a medical doctor is waht my heart desires, but I can't stand the sight of blood. that causes a problem. So, I figured I'd help people another way. If I do work I want to be a child psychologist. I have a passion for kids and want to help as many as I can. That's why I want to be a housewife, so I can be with my kids all day. I'm getting tired of typing now, it should have been 15 min, not 20. I wonder what other people are going to type about. My back is hurting from sitting like this so I'm going to stop. it's been 20 min anyway. I feel weird writing something for school and not using any kind of format, but I really enjoyed it because I hate English with a passion. I took two years of AP English and I didn't pass the AP test my junior year. didn't bother taking it my senior year. Alright goodbye :)