pennebaker I used to think it was spelled pennebaker and I couldnt logon to the web page cause I kept spelling it wrong, silly me. but thats the story of my life I guess, one time, I thought I was going to psy class, but I had the day wrong, and I ended up going to a chemistry class!! and I said to the guy next to me, "is that the usual guy who teaches?" and he goes, "yeah" duh. and my eyes are pretty bad and so I was like, okay. and then well, he started talking about chemistry, and that's when I realized that I had the wrong day and was in the wrong class. but I was such a nincompoop, for some reason, I just didn't want to leave the class, maybe it was the really hot girl who sat down next to me, yeah, I guess it was probably her, but anyway I ended up staying in there and finding the class very interesting, and so I wouldn't look like a freshman, which of course I am, I started to take notes. you know, I won't keep them or anything, but I couldn't just sit there while this guy was giving this awesome lecture and not take notes!!! especially when that girl next to me was taking notes so fast like. but there's too many girls are this school. I mean, wait, I mean, too many girls who think they're pretty and try to hard. maybe there's too many guys in the same class, I wouldn't know. but like, I find it amazing. I mean, of course, in highschool, they're were girl who tried so hard to impress everyone and make themselves so beautiful, and all us guys were like the ones who try the hardest are the ones who fail the hardest!!! fail meaning don't do a good job of making them selves look good. I don't know, I just always preferred the beautiful ones who didn't have to paste on the makeup on for hours every morning. sometimes, I would and still wonder how long it takes a particular girl to get ready to go to a college class. it looks like it takes them FOREVER! it's amazing, I just get up, take a shower, do the person hygiene things that everyone does, put some clothes on, and go. I don't know. maybe I should spend more time getting myself prettier. I just find it disgusting, that's all. and one time, one of my friend sent me this email with the most awful, brutal, disgusting pictures Ive ver seen. I was so depressed for like days after I saw them. I don't know what they were of, I mean, if it was a war or what not. but it was these pictures of people who were dead, and they way the died, it was just horrid. I mean, Ive seen some nasty deadly pictures of hanging and shooting people and everything, but these were just simply horrid. and I never get sad or depressed these days, at least not any more. I used to be though. and get this, it was cause of a girl that I was so depressed!! can you believe that!? I was going out with her, right, and it was all good, and then one day she said not any more, and I couldn't believe it. it was such a shock, I was amazed, and therefore depressed for like, well, for months, probably around 6 months were I felt that I was leading two separate lives!! it was horrible. and you know, with things like that, the only thing that helps is time. lots of it. I guess thats what my uncle is going through. uuhh, lemme see, I think it was probably about 5 months ago, maybe more, maybe less, my cousin was at a party where many illegal substances were being used, cocaine, speed, you know, those terrible drugs. he ended up getting in to a fight over the use of a telephone with some African American male (my cousin and I are Hispanics, well, Im just half Hispanic and half white, but he was pure blood) and they got into a fight, and the African American guy ended up stabbing my cousin and killing him. it was instant or anything, my cousin was a really big guy. strong and big and everything. he had a wife and a daughter. she's so beautiful. she had no idea what was going on at her fathers funeral. I mean, she's old enough to walk and talk and stuff like that, but she was clueless. and so I was I for that matter. she probably understood it more than I I did the more I think about it. his funeral was so so, well, the most beautiful and sad thing Ive ever seen in my life. that's what my mom said about princess Dianas death, but it pertains to this as well, at least for me. we buried him. in a cemetery, next to some family members. he was 21. it wasn't his time. it wasn't his place. but, God has a reason for everything, you know. I wonder if Im just writing this out and nobody is going to read this, and I wonder if and when you, if there is a you, reads this, when that will be. it's 5:28 p. m. Wednesday, august 10th, 1997. I miss him. another really close friend of mine died of cancer on march 13, 1995. but we won't go there, things just kind ad up you know? Anyway, did you know that right now and for the past 2 decades Neptune has been the farthest planet from our sun!? did you know that!? I didn't! I was amazing, my thumb is really hurrying from hitting the space bat so darn often. I miss my cousin. I didn't know him well enough. my other cousin, all the full blood ones, the true ones, they took it a lot harder that I did. they were into to things like that, and it was like a wake up call for them. for me, it was a wake up call that I dont' think Im ever going to pick up. it's like it hasn't really happened, STILL. after all this time, I STILL hasn't really happened!!! is that amazing? talk about denial. but it's more than just denial for me, I mean I truly still don't think it's hit home yet. it s just one of those things you read about, see on T. V. it's not something that happens to your cousin. my cousin was murdered. my cousin was murdered. can't believe that, saying that, my cousin was murdered!? is it true? was he murdered seriously!? can that be, is it possible!? is that SO!? IS THAT SO!? I PRAY TO GOD THAT THE PERSON WHO KILLED HIM REALIZES HIS SINS IN JAIL, FOR THE NEXT 25 YEARS AT LEAST WITHOUT BAIL, AND I PRAY TO GOD HE REPENTS FOR HIS SINS, AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT GOD FORGIVES HIM, CAUSE LORD KNOWS I NEVER WILL     in memory of Shawn Albert Deolloz