ok so I'm doing this stream of consciousness writing thing and its a little weird, but then again I love to type and just let loose on the computer what my mind is thinking. so this is kind of fun. I just wish that my strep throat/tonsillitis would go away so that tomorrow (Thursday) I can do well in the challenge. and so that I can play well for the clarinet sectional Friday night, because I need to pass off the pregame music by memory and personally, I haven't memorized all of it yet. I guess it comes from being an alternate, because half the time we practiced pregame (which hasn't been much) I was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch. oh boy, don't I love watching. I really hate just sitting there as an alternate, because I feel like I'm a cheap addition to the band. like I wasn't quite good enough to deserve a marching spot. but on the flip side, they must think that I'm good enough because I'm expected to jump in on game day and march pregame if someone is sick, late, drunk, or too hungover to march. I feel bad for thinking this but I kind of want Kelvin's knee to keep him from marching on Saturday. maybe he'll have me march pregame for him, since taps stride is a lot more painful. I don't want to wish that pain on him, though, because he's a sweet guy and deserves to march every game. plus he's a 5th year and he doesn't have many more games left. thank god this room has finally warmed up. or maybe its because I put some pants on. do I smell smoke?? that wouldn't be good. Maybe Gina and I shouldn't leave the towels over the vent. even though it is blocking the freaking cold air from coming through. Oh my goodness this room is so cold in the morning!! holy cow you would think its January, not September! man, sleeping over at rustic's place last weekend was awesome. I was warm the entire night, and when I got hot I just kicked the covers off until I got cold. I guess the fact that I was wearing his pajama pants helped. no nothing happened. he's a really good guy. A Christian. his mom has a funny little story about premarital sex. it has to deal with a unicorn. Yeah I wont go into details. but it proves that he's a good guy. not to mention I spent both Friday and Saturday nights at his place. he didn't try a single thing! funny how dad thinks I trust guys too much, and make myself too 'available'. if only he knew me better, he would know that I'm VERY skeptical with guys. especially after so many of them lying to me. I'm sick of being cheated on and lied to, so I basically play hard to get. I don't think id consider it that, but I don't go easy on them. I'm not the stupid blonde you think I am. I really wish I was one or two steps up on the ladder. my whole life I felt like I wasn't quite good enough. I never won any student council positions, never quite made it to area band, made first chair wind last year on account of a new director but lost it the next semester, made alternate up here at UT, and wasn't elected as Newman representative. I don't understand it. I work my ass off to do the best I can, but that never seems to be good enough. why? my dad was valedictorian at his high school, and if I had good grades in elementary school where did the smarts go? why did I all of a sudden screw up math class in 7th grade? granted mrs glover refused to help me, and probably told me the wrong way to solve problems, but still. I did awesome in 8th grade prealgebra, and then algebra and geometry in high school. but once I hit algebra 2 and precal, shit hit the fan. I just hope I don't have to take calculus in college. but since I don't know what I want to do, I may have to. I really need to get that career test done. I've got to figure out what I want to do with myself by next semester. unless I stay in liberal arts, this whole semester has practically been a waste. not quite, because bio psy and band count (for nursing at least), but other than that. I don't know what I want to do. what do people do if they can't decide? take a lot of random classes I guess, but that's not me. I'm coming in with so many hours that I was hoping to graduate in 3 years. that way if I go to law school I can get in and out before I'm 30, ugly, and still single. I hope I meet someone up here. I'm not built to be single or to date for years to come. ahh nose needs to stop itching. why the heck do I have to be sick? I hate this! once hell week was done I got sick. yeah, that makes the first week of school start off real good. let me tell you. oh well. at least I did all the partying last weekend, before all the symptoms hit. and before my parents decided to come in. dangit! rustin has a kappa kappa psi thing at 8am Sunday morning, which means he probably wont party after the game Saturday night, which means I wont get to spend the night at his apartment because he wont be able to get up and take me back to my dorm at that obnoxious hour. oh but maybe after we paint his living room on Monday I could stay over. I don't have a class until 12:30 so that might work! jeez I'm a dork. I need to stop reading into things like this. the time will come when it decides to come. until then I got to sit back and watch things happen. oh look, I have 10 seconds left. dang