ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
dreams are like the screen that shows these things to me, like last night's dream--  probably shows true feelings, but more specifically, true fears. fears about who the people I know really are, and especially the way that I feel about those people deep inside. I don't like to analyze them too deeply because who knows, I might find something too true or too scary to be true. then there are fears about who I am. sometimes I admit that I am afraid of relationships and of being hurt, but sometimes I admit that that is just an excuse for being afraid of something else. sometimes my dreams will reveal things I didn't think I could feel-- sometimes there is some energy in my dreams that I can feel for days. a lot of times I say that I am by nature an independent person, I work better alone. there are some people in this world that fall apart without someone to hold their hands, but I'm not one of them. I do need my family and close friends-- I couldn't even think about living without them. but how would I be with one person who is always supposed to be there, to be mine and me to be his. my romantic side loves that and believes in that; my independent side can't handle that. but I have often heard myself say that those people that are the dependent type still need to be alone sometimes. depending on someone your entire life just leaves you helpless when you are left alone. it shoes your weakness and vulnerability. but then again I guess for some "lucky" people they will never be left alone. I think that it is healthier to be alone first, to establish who I am before someone else can drill in me their thoughts and beliefs. I need to be my own person before I can become somebody else's, be strongly sewn in the ground so that he can't pick me out. depending on someone, or having someone depend on you takes a part of you away. it should be two people, as separate wholes, coming together, not one part making the whole. it is good to be open-minded, and I try to be, just not easily influenced. I try to be aware of the differences in each other and accept people for those differences but at the same time not let my true self be sucked in by anything untrue. my perception of strength is just that:  though available for those who look to you, staying solid in yourself.
Today I had a very fun (sarcastic) schedule, I worked out and also participated in my NROTC drill team, which I am a part of. My thoughts are nothing but satisfaction, a vigorous week of PT (physical training), academics, drill, and discipline have finally ended for three glorious days to elapse. Yes, just another three days or so, then it's back to the normal vigorous routine. My feelings for joining the NROTC unit is my decision, the option to choose the path to become a Marine Corps commissioned officer is brave for my part. For the past week, PT has been vigorous and I sometimes find myself out of shape for the activities. My ankle, which has a long history of spraining, is not helping either. My Gunnery Sergeant and my Staff Sergeant and I agreed that the Leathernecks, the "Marine Corps" part of the team, will help me get up to standards, after all, the Leathernecks and the entire unit looks after its own. Looks after it's own. I want to be part of the team, a part of the unit, a player, a leader, not a manager, not a weakling, nor any of that. I want to prove that I am someone. That I am a human being, someone worthy of being respected and liked. I have had a couple of bad experiences before I reported to UT. One was that I broke up with my girlfriend for the summer. She and I, even though we liked each other, found out that we were 'incompatible' and the separation of college (me going to UT, she going to U of H) would only make things worse. Sometimes we would find ourselves arguing over something as petty as 'who left the door open?'. It was a bad experience and the breakup just before college hit me like a MACK truck, just like all my bad experiences before. After my breakup, I wonder whether I should date again. There's a nice girl (I won't name her name or how I know her) around that I know but I don't know if I should get to know her more. Maybe it's because I had a bad history of dating, and I sometimes wonder if I would take the circle path back to where I started, broken up and feeling depressed about myself. This girl, I like her a lot, and I  think she thinks I'm ok, but I don't know if she really likes me. To take another risk like that will probably leave me either being shunned my rejection or being depressed by another break up. That's why I must concentrate on other things. My priority is to the team, and I will work as much as I can to get my unit up and running. I am in the pistol and the drill team and I want to learn more and know more. Also, I want to get a 4. 0 GPA, so I can get a scholarship from my unit. PT has been tough, I find myself being killed by the active duty Marines when we PT, but I can't quit. My ankle had me forced to drop out of the runs two times, but I won't quit the program. I cannot quit, and I will not quit. To quit will put me forever in disgrace as a quitter who couldn't 'hack it' and also in the shun of my teammates, who I left them high and dry by letting them down. To quit would also to put me down further into the downward spiral of depression. To quit is out of the question. I will keep on going no matter what happens and I will do anything that has to be done to pass. I will not fail.
I have a headache I took some excederine a few minutes ago I am tired. After four days off I was out of the habit of going to school. I feels good to be home. This assignment is odd. I am full. My head is hurting again with a dull pain this time. Tuesday night, nothing good comes on Tv  I have to watch satellite shows. Some people did this assignment in the first day of class. I guess it is hard to find anything to do when you move away from home  I am glad I decided to live at home, but I am afraid I am missing out on meeting new friends. Sometines I feel like an outsider on campus. But I wouldn't have made friends easily either. I would just sit around, study and be bored. I wish I was more outgoing. I want to speak to people and make new friends but it is one of the hardest things to do speaking to strangers. I want to but my own inhibition stops me. It is funny how you can want very badly to do something but someting inside you stops you from doing it  This is really helping my typing. Like in high school typing class  High school was generally a good time  I had trouble meeting people there also. I was time to graduate, more would have been ridiculus. I waited until people would make an effort to meet me rather than be proactive  I should approach people myself like I intended to do today but couldnt  UT is a big place  I have a lot of concerns  I like chemistry and welch hall but I am a business major  Business majors earn more money  I want to buy a house and a new car on my own break away rom my parents  but I am not ready to leave home. starting high school depressed me  I am afraid I will hate business  I think God's plan was for me to be a scientist but I am taking all the wrong courses  Common sense tellw me to major in business but my gut feeling is science  there are no easy answers  I can be a judge, which is cool  I don't think I think fast enough on my feet to be a lawyer  Drafting documents I can do  A masters in business would provide as many opportunities a law school But with law I get a license and a Doctors degree. Is prestige that important. Sometimes lawyers carry a stigma  I don't want to seem overeducated to work in business, but its now or never. It is too hard to decide what to do in life  I am afraid I am making all the wrong decisions. time is up I like this assigment
Here goes. Do you mind if I write a story. I'm a lot better a stories than I am about talking about my real life. The stories are more exciting, anyway. Did you note that I used a space in between a and lot?                             A Day For Something  Once upon a time, a long, long, long time ago or something rather to that effect, (not affect), people lived in gray boxes. These boxes were called people boxes, because there were people inside them. But all of a sudden, people starting thinking that there might BE something outside of those tiny, cramped, dirty boxes they were inside of. So they came out and looked around. But they were wrong. There was just a lot more of the same around them.  Yea. Happy, nice, story. I think it means something about "Man's Glorious Ascension Through Time" or something to that effect. Here's another one. I'm pretty good at stories, but not much else. At least you'll have fun reading these, but if you don't, I'm still pretty sure the dumping sites aren't completely filled up yet.                          The Wonderful Talking Box of Harvey Glumgill  Sorry. The title is wrong. But it sounds better than nothing, right? Here we go. This story isn't about much at all. It's about some crazy people who believed some retarded things and ended up being dictators of small, third world nations. -"We are sorry to inform you that the last paragraph was written by somebody who  has just been sacked. However, to continue the mindless assignment, it will be continued and stuff. "   Okay, okay, imagine this. A giant, 300 foot tall monster with 78 right arms, 65 left arms, 13 heads, and 49 legs is running about town and devouring people. This monster's name is Blowout Bob.  Alright. Story. There was a time when everybody knew everybody else and everything was cool because everybody knew everybody and nobody knew anything. Got it?  Now some people learned things, others didn't, and others simply got to know everybody better. No. Wait. Oh, man, now I have to start over. I bet you're tired of reading gibberish like this.  "Hey, Marv. "   "What?"   "I just said, 'Hey, Marv. '  You weren't supposed to answer or anything. "   "Oh, okay. "   "Oh, uh, Marv. "    "Marv!"   "What?!"   "You were supposed to answer that time. "   "Was I?"   "Yep. It's in THE RULES. "   "What are 'THE RULES'?"   "It's just, you know, THE RULES. "   "Where did that spooky noise come from?"  rrAw, screw this. I'm out of time, anyway. (Grammatical errors in this piece of work: anyway      anyway ) fin Go home. Stop reading this. If you keep reading this, it won't tell you anything.
At this moment I,m really thinking about what I'll be thinking about to make this assignment interesting and if my twenty minutes of thought will be worth reading. I missed dinner again, so my stomach is on my mind. I'm munching as I do this assignment, but I don't think you are suppose to have food around the computer but I don;t know why. What is it with these computers anyway, I've been screwing with mine for three weeks and I can't figure it all out. I hate to ask for help and admit defeat by technology. No where can I find my freaking e-mail to check it. I don't even know if I really have an address because I registereds for it over the computer and don't know if it worked. I figured out why food and computers don't mix. My fingers are starting to stick to the keys. but caramel popcorn is good, better than the food in the dining halls anyway. I like this assignment- I/m getting to vent all of my frustrations and the millions of little thoughts that buzz around in my head all day. I knew tyhat writing is good therapy, but this is already making me feel better too. Now maybe I'll set up my journal on the web and make people pay to read like they pay to watch people going about their daily lives. It must be weird having cameras everywhere like on those shows but I would probably have fun because I'm a camera hog anyway. I should have paid more attention in typing class. I know I'm not using the right "home keys" and my fingers are still sticking everywhere. I hope I don''t have a lot more stuff to do tonight because I'm ready to go to sleep, even though it's barely eight. I feel like calling some of my friends from back home, but I doubt that they are home and studying like I am. My Mom didn't call back from work. She may not have even got the message thyat I called. Mail takes way too long to get here from Dallas. I thought it would be a day or two from there to here, but it's more like five or so. Today's THE eighth and I just now got stuff from tyhe second. Tomorrow is Jenna's birthday. I guess I'll call and sing and act like the goofy big sister. If I was her age zi don''t know if I would want a big sister. I guess it might be neat. I hope my roommate doesn't stay up all night again. I don't know what she does withall herw time. She always studies but she never gets anything done. I don't do much of anything, but I always getstuff done. I guess it's time management skills. I sleep too much. I think my twenty minutes are up, or past where's the submit button?
Well, all that is on my mind sure cannot be summed up in twenty minutes, but I will continually type for that time. Lately I have desired to do nothing but become closer to God. He is awesome. My freshman year of high school was great all because I had God on my side. Now I feel like I have lost him. I know He is still there for me, but I have damaged that relationship that we had. I chose to live my life and not listen to Him. It hurts because life was stressfree and I always knew that God was just right there waiting for me everywhere I went. When I would walk outside I would smile and greet God with open arms. Now I feel like sometimes I look negatively upon the weather and don't even think of the great God who made everything. I have been trying to become closer to God. I read in the Bible more often. Rather than praying for myself or for God to do great works in my life, I now ask God what I can do to better the lives of others. I think that my outlook on life will change once I fully begin to ask Him what He wants of me rather than demanding Him to help me. I think once my relationship with Him improves, my money worries will go away. One worry is about transferring out of the school of business. I could transfer out of the business school, but I am afraid of what my future holds. I know with a business degree at UT jobs will be flying at me from every direction. Instead of being a cutthroat businesswoman, I want to help society. If I would get paid a good amount, I would definitely help the homeless or disabled. That attitude is wrong. God does not want me to think like that. He wants me to trust that He will provide all my financial necessities. He wants me to pray to Him to find out what I need to do in life. He will give me meaning once I am fully ready to accept His answer. I continually pray to God asking Him what I am to do with my life. He has not told me. I do not think it is that He has not told me; I think He has told me to wait for the right time for him to tell me. I know He will let me know when He feels I am ready to accept the task He has prepared for me. Right now I long to know what that task is. As I read the Bible daily and pray to Him daily, I feel I am taking one step closer to receiving a better understanding of my life and knowing what I am destined to do. I cannot wait until God shows me the way to my career, my husband, my kids, my destiny, but I always have to remember what my mom says. God and her both agree: patience is a virtue and in order to obtain these goals, I need to be patient.
I love just being me. Honestly without my personality, I am nothing in this world. There are so many people alive today that without my individuality, I could not survive. It would be too weird if I walked around the streets seeing a splitting image of myself. Hehe I think that I would probably pass out if that ever happened to me. Ouch, my arm really itches right now. Man I hate when I scratch so hard and it leaves marks on my skin. It's so unattractive and it is so annoying when I have to shave over it. I really can't believe that he would say that to her. Doesn't he realize that some things are best left unsaid especially when you don't know the whole story? Fainting has to be one of the most unique experiences that I have ever gone through. It's so weird that you lose all control of yourself for that onesecond. Thank goodness that girl was there to help me even though she didn't know me. I would freak out if I ever came in contact with someone who was about to pass out and fell on me. Man Jessica really can draw. I wish that I had the talent to do something like drawing my selfportrait. My legs are really starting to bother me since they are in that position. Oh man I need to go read my Theater since I have that class tomorrow. What should I wear tomorrow? I wonder if it is going to be as hot as it has been this whole time. I thought it would feel so much better than McAllen. For goodness sakes, at least McAllen has wind. Man what I would give to be at the beach right now without a care in the world sipping on the best tasting glass of lemonade and laying out getting the greatest tan in the world. And the POboys at Blackbeard's. No one makes greater Fantail Special than they do. I really hope my computer comes soon. I can't wait to start adding songs to my computer. Why hasn't my phone rang in a while? I need to call Jessie in a minute. I wonder if I have anything that I need to get done tomorrow. Hopefully my backpack will work out good. Because it was so cheap compared to everything else that was there. I love my shoes and I can't believe that my black ones broke. That was too weird that it happened especially since it was in the middle of the street and I wasn't doing anything that would have made it break normally. I hope my computer is the one I wanted. I wonder who is calling right now? Must be for Amber since she is talking to that person right now. I really feel like watching Hope Floats right now. That is such a great movie, and the guy in it is so hot.
I don't really know what I should write about. I guess I'm feeling alright. My class was cancelled for today so I had the whole day off. I rented Sling Blade which I liked the movie had people with psychological problems like the guy who is always talking about women he killed and the main character who cuts peoples heads open every once in a while if he feel s it is necessary. The keyboard on the computer sucks since the space bar key keeps on sticking whenever I try to push it down. I am kind of nervous about classes because last semester I screwed up grade wise after keeping an almost 4. 0 GPA for 2 and 1/2 semesters. I have never taken psychology before in high school and I wish I had since it would make the class easier now when I take it. I really can't type continuously for twenty minutes without having a definite subject so I keep having to stop and think of something to type. One of my goals this semester is to stop watching TV so often because that is what I feel screwed me up last semester since I was always staring at the screen either their or while surfing the web. Now I beginning to feel a little grossed out because I was just thinking about our dorm meeting where they told us housekeeping comes in only every other day to clean the bathroom when they used to come every day and it was still pretty dirty now it is going to be even worse. I guess it has been about twenty minutes now I forgot what time I started typing at since I forgot to write it down I thought I would have remembered. So I'm just going to call it a night.
When I was young, I always like to lied. I remember one day I lied to my mother that I went to library to study. But instead, I went to the nearest video game center to play arcade. When come back from home, I told my mother that I study very hard in the library. After I said that,  my grandmother smile at me for a moment which last for about few seconds. At that time, somehow I got strange feeling that something is wrong, but I am not very sure about that. I kept thinking about the wicked smile that my grandmother gave it to me within that two or three seconds. Then I decided to analyse this situation carefully. First, when I lied to mother at that moment, did I carelessly  show any sign of unordinany behavior, like shaking my body or showing a very dishonest face without I knowing it. Second, did I say something wrong or stupid, that have indirectly showed me I am lying at that moment. Third,  did my clothes have any cigarette smell?  Or did some of the people saw me enter the video game center and tell the incident to my mother?  Or is it my grandmother just want to smile and being nice to me, and I am the one who is too sensitive about the smiling incident?  Even though I made many hypothesis, but I still could not figure if something is really wrong. I am kind of nervous and just keeping thing that incident. After dinner, my mother asked me why does it take me so long to finish my study, and I told her I have a lots of homework to do. Then she said I was lying because my sister had followed me and seen me enter the video game store. At last, this incident had ended, and it also prove me that my six sense is correct.
Well I am sitting at my desk. It's kinda dark in here so I just turned on the lamp. I have a lot of homework to finish, most of it for the psych class. My homework has not been too bad so far. Just a lot of reading. I am ready to go home and see my cat, I really miss him more than other things that I should probably miss more. My mom would get mad if she heard me say that, but sadly it is true. Well my mind is a blank, I can't really think of anything to say I know we are supposed to just type whatever comes to mind, but my mind goes completely blank whenever I try to write anything, no matter what it is. I guess that is why I never could keep a journal or anything like that. I would start out the first day writing some, then it just tapered off until I stopped writing completely. I have several journals with only the first couple of pages written on. Wow 20 minutes is a long time, its only been 5 since I started. I'm trying to keep writing for the entire duration, but it is weird how when you are supposed to write freely your mind won't cooperate. I guess that is what you are trying to figure out. It is ironic how the mind works, that is why I have always wanted to take a psychology class, so I could better understand its inner workings. I am frustrated that I really cannot think of a single thing however. I miss my best friend, Faith. She is at Oachita (spelling?) in Arkadelphia. It is about 8 hours from here. I am thinking about going and visiting her over spring break, but that is a little hard without a car. I will probably have to fly home first and get my car from there. Surprisingly my parents are not going to sell it (like they originally planned) and are keeping it at home (where it is currently getting no use). I guess it was their last attempt to get me to come home some of the time. I am only going home once before the holidays. That's only for my high school's homecoming. Which I am kind of excited about. I know a few of my good friends that are also coming home for the game, so I will get to see them. That is the only weird thing about college. You realize how much your friends meant to you. It is odd not seeing them during class like you are used to. But, luckily I have met a few great people, and we have become good friends. I knew 8 people coming down here and only three of them I was actually good friends with. The other five were more acquaintances. I already semi-knew my roommate, she went to school in the same district, and we met through our parents. We have since become better friends. I am sure whoever ends up reading this really wants to know all these things, but I figured I might as well write something. Well let's see. I went on a mission trip to Mexico this summer. I only thought of this because there is a picture of me and some of the kids we worked with on my desk. It was truly an awesome experience. I am a changed person because of that two week experience. Well I guess I won't get into any other subject. My time is ticking away, funny how it goes by faster when you type. very ironic. and that is about all, thank you!