Every moment I am conscious of my physical self. it is like I have existed so long strictly within my mind that I have never really felt the sun touch my skin. I suppose I am excruciatingly aware of my body now that I realized I actually have one. Lately it feels like I am rediscovering the familiar. I have always walked down the street. but never been aware of things like others faces, the noise of traffic, the heat, the breeze, the color of the sky. I have always lived in this alternate universe. i see only enough of the physical world to avoid collisions. and I live in my head, in my thoughts, in my music and art. I almost never come out. But lately I have opened my physical eyes. Some of the things I have seen are things I could have done without. I'm not so sure I like it out here with the other people. I feel myself retreating again. I feel that small talk is a waste of breath. Any words outside my poetic code are words wasted. Any utterance that is not a song is a waste of voice. And I am trying to figure out why people NEED people. I have lived inside myself for a long time. I can make it through the monotony of every day life (hint: that's where the ACTING MINOR comes in). but maybe it would be more lucrative to just live down in here. And I wonder what is really "being productive". My mother said that I wasted my summer by being in love with someone who ended up not loving me in return. I feel that love is not a waste of time. If it is then what real purpose or function do we have in this bleak world. Of course, now with my heart blown away I feel a bit sad. But I meant it when I gave my love to this boy. I meant every word, every breath, every touch. And I guess that MY time wasn't wasted. his was. HIS time was wasted because he remained too long with someone he did not love. My time was not wasted. And now. let me push all memories of this love deep down into the corners of my soul. Right now this grain of sand irratating every pore in my body. but maybe a pearl will result. A song. A painting. Blah. Blah. Maybe I can once again transform the pain in my life into something pur-tee. Man, someday all of this shit that I have passed off and forgotten through my art and songs is going to resurface and say "Hey! We are still here. " and that is going to break me and FINALLY I will no longer have creativity to turn to because I won't trust it anymore. Gee. Something to look forward to. And this girl came up to me today on the first day of classes. She said I looked "alone" and invited me to her church where "everyone is a family and god is clearly present". Funny that she noticed I was alone and I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I would never fit into her christian bubble world. oh yeah, I live in a bubble world myself all right. but its a different kind altogether. Maybe I should invite her for a visit in MY bubble world. But. heh. i meakly gave her my number. i was in a way touched by her gesture and even though I oppose religion. who knows? I may go just to laugh at the SHEEP and. well. mEDITATE. And plus. it would probably light up this nice girl's life. Aww. It would also be cool to go someplace and have everyone be really happy to see you. I wonder if it would be wrong for me to go in order to reap these benefits. especially since there is NO CHANCE in my conforming to a religion. Hmm. It seems like I have been given the opportunity to explore some areas of my life that I have suppressed in the past. Certain tendencies. I guess I am really scared when it comes to this. I am afraid maybe of what I might find out if I try it. I mean. i have finally admitted to myself that these thoughts are frequent and substancial. But I don't want the course of my life to change that drastically. Right now I long for both but am happy with one. If I try the other and realize that it is so much better than the other and begin wanting only IT then I will have to do some major changes in my life and identity. But it might NOT be good. Or I might continue liking both equally. Which could also cause problems. Sheesh.