I'm writing here at the computer lab in Kinsolving. The reason I came here is completely and utterly foolish. My roommate tells me that this guy from a get together we went to last week is at the computer lab, and what do I do? I go downstairs, away from my wonderful studying environment and sit next to this not so wonderfully goodlooking guy, just because I think he has a nice smile. Good smiles are a must for me. I can't believe I'm writing this. This is my first college class, and I am told to write a paper about my thoughts, but I cannot help to be embarrassed by my ramblings on about some dude that I met at a party who has a nice smile. I never considered myself the type to concentrate on such superficial things. I never considered myself shallow. Maybe I am. Smiles are not shallow, though. Not to me, anyway. A great smile from someone just lifts me up so high. I cannot compare the feeling it gives me. hmm, lets see. It makes me feel like everyone around me has disappeared, as though I am the sole person on this earth, and that I am being blessed by this little piece of heaven, by this ray of positive energy. I feel motivated. I feel replenished. So, now I guess I know why smiles are so important to me. It's all about my selfishness. It's all about the feeling it give me when someone gives me a little piece of their soul. The funny thing is that this guy will probably never know what a wonderful impact he had on me. Does this make me a romantic person? I think not. I think this makes me a selfish person always trying to find some way of making myself feel better about who I am. I don't think I'm that wonderful of a person. I'm quite selfconscious actually. No matter what situation I'm in, there is always this sense of uncomfortable inhibition. I can never be myself, but then again, how can I be myself when I don't know myself? It's funny. I thought college would be this complete transformation. I thought that I would have millions and millions of opportunities to meet cool people, maybe get into a relationship, and find myself. So far, though, all it has been is complete and utter confusion. I am confronted with so many opportunities that I don't know where to begin; I am living in a world of constant ambiguity. If I didn't have my two best friends come with me to UT, I constantly be homesick. Well, now that I think about it, I don't think I would be homesick. My god, it scares me how NOT homesick I've been these past two weeks. I love my family a lot. I love my sisters a lot, but my parents are completely unstable people. On the way to Austin, for instance, they will not stop bickering back and forth in the car. They're divorced. They shouldn't stand the sight of each other, but for some odd reason, they continue to communicate. For a moment I thought maybe they did this for me. Maybe they though that by communicating, I would be happier, that I would somehow revert back to memories of good times and think that I had a normal family, but the fact is totally different. The fact is that I would rather them not talk or communicate for the rest of my life. I can sometimes hear the clashing of their personalities every time they're together; it's so strong. I used to think I was like my mother, but the last four years of my life, I lived with my dad alone, and realized that I am exactly like him. I even compared our palms once, and it was uncanny how similar it was. I never respected him. Maybe it was because my mother made me feel that way about him while I was growing up. I thought he was a weak man, that he didn't have the strength, just because he hardly talked. He was never charismatic or charming, he was never into "manly" things like sports and politics. He was just always there, in the background, resting his head in his palms, sitting with a pensive look that nobody could penetrate.