Isn't it amazing how lifting weights can make you so aware of your muscles? Every last inch of me is sore. I am such a weenie. Exercising is fun though. It helps me relieve stress. I'm already starting to feel a little stressed here. I wonder if I am an abnormally stressed person. What is a normal stress level? I'm having a hard time deciding which organizations to be in. I want to be in communication organizations to help me be prepared for my career but I also want to be involved in a Christian organization. Sigma Phi Lambda sounds neat but it takes up a lot of time. I wish I were better at knowing what God wants me to do. I want to follow Him and to be patient but I also don't want to not be assertive and let opportunities slid past me. I feel like much of my life I have been too laid back, letting things come to me. I'm tired of being out to lunch. I want to prove to my dad and my brother that I can be responsible and detail minded. I want so badly to get a 4. 0 this semester. I feel so torn. Part of me says drive hard! Study hard! Don't let organizations take time away from academics! Prove you are worthy! But I know that I need to follow God and the He is what gives me value. I am probably making too big of a deal out of all of this. I think I'm just frustrated with mistakes I've made in the past. I need to let those go and not worry about what my dad and brother think. I know my dad has faith in me deep down. I just feel sad and I don't really know why. I just wish I had more direction but even as I type that I know I just need to listen to God. I guess that's the problem  I'm mad that I don't get a clear answer from God. It's so hard. I've never been totally sure of what God wanted for me. Well maybe that's not true, but I never hear his voice telling me what to do. I wasn't even sure if coming to UT was what He wanted. I saw lots of doors open up for UT and when I was expecting to see bad things about UT I found that it really wasn't that bad and the students were really friendly. Now I'm trying to figure out what decision to make about organizations and I'm secondguessing every phone call from members in the organizations and the gut feelings I have when I go to the meetings. I don't feel any strong direction and I'm mad, frustrated. There must be something I'm doing wrong. I want to be closer to God but every time I try I end up getting so confused and frustrated with Him and myself. Why does being on the verge of tears for a long time make you have a headache? Man I hate how my desk is set up. Gosh, I'm being so negative. I really hope my paper is the one out of 540 that y'all decide to read. This really isn't representative of what I am like. Tonight is just a bad night. God has given me so much yet I worry about so much. Like my business and professional speaking class. I don't like the idea of being graded on my performance. I know I won't make eye contact and make all sorts of other mistakes and get a bad grade. Wow! Listen to me. I'm going to be one of the people they call to do a study of depressed people with low selfesteem. I put on that questionnaire that I am generally happy and have a high selfesteem but that was last week. Tonight for the first time since moving down here I feel sad. I was so proud of myself for not freaking out and adjusting well. Maybe God is trying to show me that I really can't do this on my own.