it is a beautiful day outside and I hope to enjoy it as best I should I am listening to one of my favorite bands. this song matches my mood perfectly. I feel like I should be doing something with my life and I'm not, and it's very har to get along in this university without feeling lonely now and then. I find beauty in very conventionally ugly things and this is why I love photography so much. the pictures I have up on my walls reflect my personality a lot. there are so many aspects of me that people never get to see and it hurts when they judge without knowing me personally. I see in color in the sense that I see the most vibrancy and brightness in everything. my room here is finally starting to smell lik ehome and that's one of the first things I notice when I come in. I'm glad I ended up at ut. I thought I was kind of chickening out by coming here. it's the only place I applied to. I'm a freshman this year and I really hope to get out in 3 years, since I have 34 hours of credit from exams. I hope I can get out in 3 years because I want to feel good about myself and not feel inferior to my peers. I have a lot of issues about who I am and that's why psychology fascinates me so. I understand a lot of who I am more than most people my age. I'm feeling very wise right now and although my boyfriend is a year older than me, I sometimes feel years older than him. I might want to marry him someday and I worry about that. I miss the way things were 2 years ago when I was carefree I feel very burdened and I sometimes think I'm not experiencing college because I feel that way so often. I've always had so much to do that when I don't, I can't relax and I get really anxious. if I'm not stressed out I think I'm missing something. when I watched president bush speak last night I cried because I'm so worried that he will be reelected. I am an avid kerry fan and feel passionately about politics and when I hear bush lie and make empty promises and see people believe what he's saying it affects me deeply. I want to make a difference in the world someday. I hope I will grow to be someone great. my past relationships have been sneaking up on me recently an d things on that front are disturbing an dmaking me feel regretful. I there are some things that I remember so perfectly about the past and I don't know why they stick out. I know that there is something special inside me and I hope I can do something great in this world. I remember going to europe two years ago and feeling so happy with myself and who I was and I don't have any clue about that anymore. I find peace in knowledge. wondering stresses me out. I used to write a lot of poetry and I still feel just as expressive but now the words don't flow as well. I think that as I've grow up, my poetic naivete has faded as has any talent I had. I feel bery inferior to people that don't know me they look at me like I have no self worth and it bothers me. I am a government major and a psych minor but some people think because I'm in liberal arts I have no direction in my life and that is so frustrating. it frustrates me when people think I am stupid. I have almost no tolerance for ignorance yet I get mad when people do that. I am very analytical, mayb eoveranalytical, and its gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life I miss conor and what we had a few years ago and I miss our friendship I need to feel safe and comforted in order to be successful and I am very dependent on other people in my life to do that for me. when we weren't 100 miles apart I miss justin in many ways and that bothers me he was the most detrimental person in my life and still is so far and last night I was thinking about those three days that were the worst in my life and there is only 1 thing I can do to get past that. I don't know if I will ever. one of my main goals in life is to be understood and I feel very misunderstood by people that don't take the time to get to know me and I feel that the first impressions I give are not very accurate. I am very emotional and I know that just thinking about certain things will make me burst into tears it makes me feel inferior to do that. I feel guilty when I cry because things could be a lot worse. I want this world to improve and I want to help it do so. I need a lot of love. ramon and I have something really special he makes me feel so loved we have been together for two whole years and I want to be with him forever I want to make him happy and I want him to make me happy until we are old and I want to share everything I have with him. I wasn't sure about that until recently but now I feel more passionately about our relationship than I ever have. sometimes I cry out of neither sadness nor happiness and its hard to explain to anyone else it feels like I cry out of understanding a complex emotion that I never was able to before. if a song really touches me and I connect to it I will almost definitely cry. I think that makes me special. I think I am more compassionate than most people. music is one of the most powerful mediums of communication there is it makes me feel freer than anything else except possibly writing. the sound of this song is so familiar and it reminds me of good memories