My throat hurts really bad these past two days but I kind of like it cause when my voice is scratchy it makes me feel sexy. But the problem with that is two-fold, one- why should i want to feel sexy if i already have a boyfriend? does that mean i want a different one? and two i shouldn't be kissing my boyfriend if my throat is scratchy so it doesn't matter if i feel sexy. that whole situation reminds me of the friends episode when phoebe had a cold and she was a super good singer because the phelgm made her feel sexy, but since i'm not a singer i really don't have any useful outputs for my cold and it just makes me feel gross. what i'm afraid of with all this is that i'm thinking about what to type and then typing it rather than just typing thoughts as they come. hopefully you won't have time to read this though so you won't know about my concern of how   honest   my stream of consciousness is really being. sometimes i want to be an artist because i think that it's really incredible to be able to depict what you think something resembles. but i could never do that because my hands don't have the talent that my mind does- so i think of great things but then i'm never able to really express them, that's probably why most artists are insane because they can't perfectly match their impression of something with their depiction of something. right now our neighbor guy is playing classic rock really loud and it's kind of distracting me. i would go tell him to turn it down but i don't want to interrupt my stream, and also i  think he's creepy because he touches my stomach a lot and he gives me these really intense stares and i'm like   whoa?!   but another creepy thing happened today, my ex-boyfriends mom sent me this clipping of him in the paper and was like    just thought you might want to see this clipping about anthony in the navy. e-mail me to keep up and good luck with classes!   weird. one, i only met the lady like twice, i didn't even get formally introduced to her. two, how did she get my address?? and three, lady your son and i broke up. let's move on with our lives, shall we? there's something about the taste of sick in your mouth. a sore throat or something, but when i coughed jsut now it reminded me of halloween. strange. but that's probably got something to do with all this crazy stuff in the brain that's going on. man it just boggles me. my roommate is in the shower and i just heard this crash of bottles and she laughed. it reminds me of something i do everyday. i just laughed, she's a really great roommate. just like i have a great family and a great boyfriend. if i make the crew team i think my life will be perfect, even though i know i shouldn't depend it on that. it just seems like a dream. after being depressed for so long it's really nice to be alone and realize that i'm happy. i just have a ton of stuff to be thankful for. sometimes i think about the things i would change about myself and i would definately make myself more grateful, and i would be more prude about kissing. i think kissing is really trivialized and it makes me sad. sometimes i want my life to be like a movie and have incredible kisses that you can just hear the music start up with. slow ones that really communicate something. ones where you're not thinking about how the guy's tongue feels or if he has good breath but all you can think about is how good he makes you feel and how much you like or love him. i think the reason why i used to be depressed was because i wanted everything to be perfect like a movie and slowly i started feeling like my life just didn't stack up. but the truth is is that in the grand scheme of things it's like DAMN! i've not only got two legs, two arms, and 20 fingers, but on top of that i also have the great roommate, great family, and great boyfriend, great friends, a great mind, and not too much sadness. i think people always dramatize things because they don't know what they're looking for in life but they figure that people will suddenly pay attention to them and they'll figure it out. almost anyone wants attention- that's why people try to committ suicide, why people cry, it's the explanation for so much. how weird is that that okasy i lost that thought but i'm still typing. i'm a die hard stream of consiouicness writer, i breeeze buy typos, not a problem for me. but the classic rock is. i'm ready to destroy his speakers i think. music should say stuff- not just be a bunch of noise. music should be stream of consciousness because it would reveal truths in life. isn't that what it's all about? the ttruth? now i sound like my ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with plato and searching for the truth. he invented this kissing thing called the euclidian vacuum. it was way creepy. i want to talk about my cat willy cause i miss him. i miss feeling his little cat body sleeping on me and purring. college students are depressed cause dorms won't let you have pets- that's really why. that and the whole loneliness of sin thing. when it comes to sinning, you try to find other people who have done the same thing as you, but it just ends up making you feel worse knowing that there are other people in the world that mess up like you. i want to have some famous last line here but i think i'll settle for i just looked at the clock and i don't have time! MARSHMALLOWS!