not as much concentration, nor as deep a thought. I have always had a problem with being too easily distracted - like now I just lost my train of thought. I try to think about too many things at once and I do not really have a choice about what I think. when I was doin the pretesting I often found that if any question required any thought or recoolection at all I was drawn a blank at it. I simply could not look deeply into what I saw. I have related this problem to many possible sources - this is why I decided that I did not want to smoke marijuana. it is also why I am thinking that I should not smoke. it is possible that smoking could have a depressive effect on the mind. maybe I do not drink enough water, or sleep too little or too much. there really is no way to know for certain. I should probably just lead the best life that I know how instead of the easiest, which is what I do. I know there are things I need to get done, things that I do which are just wasting my time, and things that I know are just plain wrong but I always reason my way around these issues. or rather I just stop myself from thinking about them. it really cannot be good to be like this - I am feeling like I inhaled a little too much glue - actually I am probably just using the computer too much. by continuously focusing on an external source of entertainment right in front of me I feel that I am rotting my brain. this assignment is not helping either because I am not allowed to stop and think about things - once again I am simply functioning on the basest level possible. I like the movie the stand a lot, and I have read the entire book once and the first half two more times. I never really can finish it, but this last time that was because I decided that reading was bad for me. in all honesty, it is probably better for me thatn enything else I do because it might encourage deep thought. I should probably also listen to music without words - one is forced to think deeply with that because there is nothing else really for your mind to do. I listen to the play les miserables all the time now - and it is interesting because it is a very sad play - in a way it makes me sadder than anything. I feel like I would cry if I would ever cry, but I never do. I cry maybe once every year or two, and it is usually for something silly. the last time I cried sincerely was when highschool ended I had just listened to I will remember you, the sound they played at graduation. I also saw grease and st. elmo's fire, both of which remind me of high school. soon after I cried quite a bit over the loss of something which I didn't really care about in the first place. I think it is because I have never liked the end of anything, and the end of highschool is much like the end of the first section of you life. although there is a marginal change from elementary to junior high, and junior high to high school, they are still organized schools in the public school system, often ever within the same school district. every day at 7 am you get up to prepare for school which you are required to go to at 8. there are tardies and classes and a bell and teachers that know your name. lunch is in a cafeteria at a specific time and there is a meal of the day that you must pay your 1. 50 or 1. 75 for. it is really all the same thing, just twelve different grades in the same school. college is more like a job than like the old school system - it is a huge change. I simply hope that my friends don't go crazy and decide to move off or something after college. this would be the death of me because I will not, can not, and don't want to make new friends. however, I have found that no contact with friends slowly drives me mad. I would love for me jere and nolan and robert to stay local forever. I would like them all to, but I do not see how I could live without at least (robert and nolan), (jeremy and robert), (mark and robert), (robert and ben), (jeremy and ben), (jeremy and mark). therse combinations would be able to keep me satisfied for just about forever. of course, you know the freakin psychos will all go off and get married like the sick bastards that they are. they should read a little bit of saint paul, the fools. he knew the wisdom about not getting married. that was one of the things that pissed me off about your pretest. it asked is my shyness  interfered with my dating or something like that. no, my shyness doesn't interfere with my freaking dating, cause I don't date!  I never will date, I barely ever have dated, and I think that people who do date should be lined up and flogged until they come to their senses. in my junior year people always used to say, well craig, you are just bitter cause you can't get any. well, at the time that was partially true, but since then I have had opportunity galore. in my senior year, jana (the cheer leader), heather, myriah, jill, and melissa all openly admitted that they liked me. did I pursue?  did I?  well, I admit I foolishly wen out with jana (worst mistake of my life, btw). but no one can say that I can't get any. no sir. there was a girl on my floor last year that may have liked me (the only girl I have bothered to meet in all of college so far). peopl also say well just wait until you meet the right person craig - then you will change your mind. well who are they kidding?  I already said that I had no interest in meeting any people at all. I have met basically zero peopl since I have been in college. I met my roommate, and I briefly spoke to nero and christina (I think that was her name) but that is it. I have met no one in my classes nor do I have any remote interest in meeting them. once last year a girl called me up to ask me to study with her (highly possible that she was interested in me as well) but I had no interest in doing so. I sat there in terror hoping that she wouldn't ask me to study with her, for I would have to turn her down which I hate to do. that will probably how I will end up getting hitched. I just won't be able to say no. I am terrible at that.