"Today is the first day of the rest of your life" is what I remember my parents saying to me at graduation two years ago. Back then, I was having some serious problems and nobody, including myself, knew what to do. But now, after that wild madness of that first semester in 1999 all has seemed to calm down. I don't know what it was that did it. Perhaps it was that one acid trip that I took at last year's Phish concert. Man, its annoying when that red line pops up under misspelled or misrecognizied words. Makes you feel selfcritical. I don't know how I feel now. Ever since this year began, I've been a little more tired than usual. But, I've been a little stressed out, too. Not about classes; naw, they all seem to be just fine. Enjoyable, too. Having sex with that girl Sue was a bad move, though. First of all, she's kind of nuts. I know she's lonely, too. Must be tough coming all the way from California here, but at least her family's from Texas. She's fucked up, though, because she's searching for something outside of herself that's impossible to find: security and peace of mind. It's impossible to really, really find those two things in this world I think. I mean, security's a joke; there are so many factors that we never think about in our daily lives that kind of jab at our illusions. All those things like high paying jobs, retirement funds, etc. are all about security. Personally, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit, but, then again, I'm not an old man nor do I have a family to support. I hope this girl doesn't get racked up. I'm pissed because she told me that she was on birth control, but that was a lie. And, I know that if I'd gotten some loving in the last three years I wouldn't have done it. I used her and I feel rotten for it. But, her desire for something to hold on to and peace of mind are making her irrational, I fear. Somehow, she identifies these two things with me. Don't really know why, because I never really thought of myself in those two ways realistically, but I never said there was anything rational to her thoughts. Man, I hate complaining, but I got to say that I've had some bad luck with women these last few times. First there was Lexi. I'm not really sure what was going on between the two of us, but I'm sure I loved her in some way. Can't speak from her end of the line, though. The problem was just that towards the end of last year when we were on the rocks, I was starting to go mad, and it's hard to handle a distant woman and insanity at the same time. That's kind of a lame excuse, but what else can I say? I haven't really gotten that far yet, though Lord knows I've tried. I was thinking the other day about whether or not I fear women overall. Well, I sure like to talk and think about them a lot. My mom was always such a hard ass on me growing up. I know she loved me a lot, although I hate to admit it, and I guess that's why she was. Or, maybe it was because of her upbringing. Anyway, nonetheless, I've been afraid of her forever and I'm ashamed because I think it fucks up my deal with other women and I really have a hard time deciding if I love her or not. I know it's my "duty" or whatever that means, but do I really? Of course I do on some level, but, man, I always get all tearyeyed when I even start thinking about it. That's another thing: I haven't been able to cry in a good, long while. Oh well, c'est la vie. My friend Elizabeth comes to mind now. I wonder how she's doing up there in NY. We have a really weird relationship, and it really hurt when I learned that she liked Matt for a long time. Guess I always had a little something for her. That was a great time up at the Doubletree last Christmas, though, I will say. Mr. A footing the entire bill, too. I guess Townes Van Zandt does have it right when he said, "We all got holes to fill, and them holes are all that's real. " Last night, I learned about some of Manny's holes concerning his father. He sure has been acting differently lately, though. It must be tough, but I don't know how to handle it. Maybe it's just best to let him be for a while. I kind of liked that Emily girl I met last night as well. I guess that statistic that says that men think about sex/women every 30 sec or so is right; the majority of this writing's about them. Or, maybe I just have some complex or something. Probably a combo of the two. I don't know what to think about God these days. I sure have been praying a lot to Him lately, though, over this Sue pregnancy thing. God, I hope that works out for me. I know it's selfish, but, man, You've got to understand. I truly am sorry, and I'll never have sex with another girl again on a onenighter. Lord, hear my prayer. Amen. Our society's kind of funny these days. If there is a man upstairs, I hope he's having a good time. It's amazing how fucked up stuff can get down here, though. After high school, I mean. Sometimes it's hard to be a man, and a woman I'm sure. I wonder who's got it worse. "Sucede que me canso de ser hombre. " It just so happens I'm tired of being a man, says Octavio Paz. I guess we all feel like that sometimes. Well, I guess my 20 minutes is up, but I do like this. Maybe we'll talk again sometime. See you, man. Take care and good luck.