i can't believe what i just did i wrote my thoughts all in that process of   stream of consciousness   and realized i didnt' put my social security number or name. it got sent though, so i don't know what to do now. all these problems are so fixable and avoidable. just in case i'm going to do it all again anyway. i guess i'll just type what i wrote last time unless i have a big interrupting thought.     it worries me that i don't know where i'm going in life. when i get an idea i start doubting myself an thinking i'm not competent. friends seems msasrter than me. am i just too analytical or self conscious to break out of my shell? i need to eat i'm so hungry and i have to go to rowing meeting in an hour. am i capable of going to medical school?  can i openmy own practice someday? will myrace hold me back? is it an advantage or disadvantage? both? whycan't i look like everyone else? i'm different. i wish i was unque. i'm a walking contradiction. one day i want to be different the other i just want to be like everyone else. i mean i where GAP like evvvvery day and that's the most mainstream you can get. i miss thomas. i miss the way he always made me feel like a good person. i loved him. now i love him more like as a friend but i definitely miss the fun times we've had. i wish i had a boyfriend like him again. excpet a bit different for variety. i hate angela. best friends since 5th grade and look what she did to me. she hurt me sooooo much. she punched me over and over. and i knew i could kick her puny ass but i loved her too much. now i look back and wish i never even associated with her. she's such a punk. i bet she'd like me more now if she saw me. now i'm more liek her. more bitter, more volitle. did i spell that right?  i miss her though. we had good times. church camp. haha, imagine her at camp now. she'd set us all on fire instead. it's only been six minutes and it feels like an hour. i can't believe i did this assignment wrong. it's not one of those things you put in the right answers because if that's the case, i wouldn't have to wait a whole 20 minutes. i like this assignment though. psychology is the first class that didn't put me to sleep. i'm glad. it's going to be my major probably. except those dumb blondes kept commenting and chatting about everything. so annoying. for the past few minutes all i've been doing is bitching and moaning about how awful i feel and how awful life is to me. you'd never know i was considered freakin' beautiful, popular, social, likable, homecoming princess, varsity athlete since frosh year. damn, i really had this act going strong. what's with christina aguilera trying to act all ghetto now?  she's freakin blonde blue eyed little shrimp with a big voice. don't let your careeer go down the ghetto tube like freakin sleazy mariah carey! is she still in the hospital? poor thing to think about, she's so pretty and got such a wonderful voice, but ever since she split from tommy mattola she got yucky. celine dion is so tantelizing. is that the right way to use that word?  i used to be so religious andf now i'm not at all. damn school course religion and philosophy. now i'm lost man. lost as a freakin fish in a bowl of nothingness. haha, am i getting bad and poetic?  i wish i had a way with words like some gifted talented folks. i wonder if i'd be this unhappy if i lived in oregon still. i miss oregon. i don't miss the bullshit with that crowd but i miss certain things about it. i hope dad gets a raise soon because he deserves one. i hope diana finds what she's looking for. she said she's depressed. michelle thinks she's bi. mom said she wants to kill herself. this 8 minutes is going to go sloooow i'm telling you. people aren't as friendly here. liz is so perfect, funny that she's so down on herself. she's a perfectionist that's why. she became anorexic. she stopped getting her period, her skin got bad, and she became socially inept all the sudden. she is another one of those people who are surrounded by people but might feel very alone. i heard that psychologists have a problem stemming in their own life and to help other people is a subconcious way of letting that go. i believe it because i'm like that.  i want to help people feel good, i want to listen to them. i'm one of those people who constantly remind themselves to ask about how the other person's day was since i find myself focusing on myself too much. i ask questions that i want asked of me. that's so selfish. ok i think i'm nearly done, but this is taking so long. ahhhh. . devon, left the   group  . good thing too. but she's hanging out with the wrong crowd again i think. matt marino is such a pothead. i wish he was here too so that we can hangout. i want a car. i want that white jeep back. i wish i had a sweet car, a cell, and computer. a fully-paid tuition grant whatever. i need it. there's so many people that don't but oh well. i think that's all.