ok im sitting on my bed. i kind of wish i was at home on my bed. i like my new room a lot, and i like my new bed a lot but i miss home. i am not sad here but i just miss my old way of life and my old setting. i wish i could go back to elementary school. those were the good old days. i love my old neighborhood. i definitely want to send my kids to my elementary school. i miss the scots football games the most. i have been going to them since 5th grade, maybe? i love the atmosphere. everyone is happy and excited it is friday and you get to talk to everyone and its so fun! i like watching my friends play football and the feeling after we won. after i made belles, the scots games became even more fun. i can't explain that feeling, waiting to line up and dance on the field. you are so nervous and anxious and shaking. then the lieutenants bow and you scream for them and then the music starts. we strut out and its such an out-of-body experience. you are standing before thousands of people, and you are smiling so big and bright. not because you have to, but because you want to and you can't help it. i don't think its possible to not smile. then you get ready to dance. and you start dancing and its the best feeling in the world. you feel so weird. and you don't want to mess up. and when the music stops you are so proud. of yourself and of your team. and you stand up and strut out towards the crowd and all the fans are standing and cheering and clapping and smiling and you can't help but smile too. because all the parents are truly amazed. and all the little girls, the little girls that you used to be, are staring at you in awe. they want to be you so badly. because everyone in the community looks up to you. and you represent so much positive energy in the community. and the little boys want your autograph. and they want to date you when they're in high school. you feel like a celebrity. its your moment to shine. your fifteen minutes of fame. its ineffable. i can't describe the feeling, but its the best. i miss those days so much. i would give anything to go back to that. but i cant, and thats what kills me. i can't wait to go back to the scots game in a few weeks. it will be so weird to see my younger friends dancing. to my favorite dance ever. to my first dance on the field. it was the best dance anyone had seen. and the sad thing is, i won't be a part of it. it will be one of those bittersweet moments. i love those moments. i live for those moments. they make you so happy and so sad at the same time. it makes me so happy to reminisce in my favorite days. i don't know how i will feel when i go back to that stadium because it will be so different. most of my friends will be gone. i like my new lifestyle in college. its fine. but i loved what i had. i don't like getting older. im fine with where i was. i feel like my life is going by so fast. i feel like my best days are behind me. i can't believe how fast high school went by. if i could, i would go back and do it all over again. exactly the same way. i would make the same mistakes and everything. just to relive those incredible four years. they werent always fun, but it was a good experience. instead of reliving them, i would like to just watch it all on video. watch everything I've ever done. i miss camp too. i learned everything about life at camp. it makes me so sad to think im not a camper anymore. thats how i know im old. thats how i know my life is going by so fast. camp is pure happiness. all of my favorite things in life are behind me and i don't know what to do about it. i am really enjoying school here. like the classes itself are so interesting and im really enjoying them. but the work is becoming overwhelming. and i don't like   going out   at night. i don't like socializing with superficial people. i feel surrounded by sin. by people who only care about being cool or something. i just love the days when everyone was innocent. and it didnt matter what you did on the weekend. it didnt matter who your friends were as long as you were happy with them. everyone was nice. and on friday nights we would eat dinner at jacks and then go to the scots game. when everything was perfect. and you didnt worry about anything. seriously, stress wasnt an issue. school work was nothing because it was so easy. everything was done for you. you went to soccer practice and you went to school. that was it. it was so simple. did i realize that then? did i thoroughly enjoy it while i was there? or do i just love it looking back on it? i don't know why i like living in the past. but i enjoy dwelling in it. it makes me happy and sad at the same time. my best friend is the same way. she is the best person i know. i don't know how i will survive the next four years without her physically by my side everyday. she is the only person that fully understands me because she is me. she feels the same way. and how many times have we talked about these good old days? the elementary school that we loved so much and the scots games that were the highlight of our weekend. every chance we got. and i could do it again and again with her. even if we repeated the same words. just as long as i got to relive it for those few minutes. i can't believe life in my community is going on without me. i know my home is much quieter now. and i know my mom is longing for the days she walked me to elementary school, probably as much as i am. i wonder if when i leave college in four years ill be longing to go back to the beginning. should i be spending these moments living in the excitement because soon these will be the good old days? i can't see how they are. i like my dorm a lot. i can smell all these flowers. i can't believe im a pi phi. thats how i know im old. if i had chosen anything else, i would be denying my past. my mom is a part of me so thats why i chose what i chose. i have been waiting to be a pi phi for as long as i can remember. only i assumed i would be at smu. did i choose the right school? i didnt really choose because i wasnt ready to go and i don't think im ready to be here