I'm currently thinking about what I just finished writing to Dr. Pennebaker about, my broken relationship. It was so beautiful, and the worst part is that the feeling, that beautiful feeling is still inside me. I feel it everyday: in class, before I go to bed, when I wake up. I remember the feeling of being with him, and I miss it. I miss him so much. I hate having taken him for granted. I hate the fact that things could have worked out, had I simply admitted to myself that I had fallen for a guy. That's all I needed to do. All I could do was ignore him, laugh at him, all this while trully knowing there was something else. I did all of this knowing that I meant none of it. I was fighting it! I was doing what my three older brothers had instilled in me from time of birth, All guys are the same. They're all jerks. Be careful who you fall in love with. Don't fall in love in high school, it's too soon. You have your whole life ahead of you. " I knew they were only trying to protect me, I knew they were saying this because they themselves having  been guys, knew what it is guys were after. But no, not Hugo! He was different. He wasn't horny or all over me, or asking me weird sex stuff. Not once did he do this. Not once did he push me into something I didn't want to do. Not once! We dated for a year, and the most he got out of it to brag to his football friends was that we held hands and we kissed each other on each other's foreheads and cheeks. This was it. And God did he do stuff for me. I hated saying I needed something or felt a certain way in front of him, because he had always go out of his way to help-ALWAYS! For Valentine's Day, he designed a shirt that said, "Monica, Will You Be My Valentine?" I remember that morning, walking into the school and knowing that he was going to do something, knowing he wanted to celebrate such a special holiday with me. I hugged him, nodded, and smiled. That was all he needed. I don't know what I wouldn't do to have those feelings all over again-with him!?! I dream about laying beside him, while he has his arms wrapped around my shoulders. and just watching him breathe, watching his chest rise and lower, as he breathes. WOW! Such an amazing sight. Now, all I have are our memories, most of them of me being a 'bitch' to him, treating him so unfairly. Maybe he does deserve better than me, maybe this is all part of God's plan. But you see,  I know God knows me and he knows I have a big heart, but am just afraid to show it. He knows this. He knows how sometimes, it's hard for me to show my true feelings for fear of loss or rejection, or something or other. But what now? Should I wait? I guess so. Deep down, I have this feeling that it is not over between Hugo and I by a long shot. I know it's not over by a lot. I remember how Hugo treated his parents, better than I've ever seen  anyone treat their parents, with such respect and love. I've always had this thing that a  guy will treat his wife the way he treats his mother. His Dad also, that man is really such a good person. He really does have a lot to offer to his family, and I know Hugo too is this type of person. I only hope he knows this about himself. I only hope he knows everything he is worth. I only hope that he knows how I truly feel about him, how I've truly felt about him this entire past year. I hope he knows that behind every crude and hateful action or word,  there was an enormous amount of love just trying to get through. There was an enormous amount of love just trying to beat all the hate, and although it might have been a little late, it has been released. It has gone through all the hate. It lives in  me today, right now, right this instant as I am typing, and will live in me for a very long time, if not-eternally.