so yeah. I finally get to the point where I feel like I have some sanity in my life, and back he comes. why did I let him back into my life?  I went out last weekend and had the weekend from hell. first the fire alarm, then the game (not too bad), then the car accident (thank God none of us were involved), and finally the other two ambulances in front of Halcyon. why can't just go get a damn cup of tea without the world come crashing down on me (improper grammar, I kmow. so is the punctuation for that matter). so anyway, back to jason. the bane of my existence and the one thing I cannot escape. last night I decide to try an dangerous tactic and back him into a corner just to see what he'd do. (probably should have left that up to the professionals - namely advisor jes who did it with me to get me to pick a concentration, classics or middle east. )  found out it doesn't work as well with relationships - esp. with a guy who has taken over a year to make up his mind and still hasn't really decided anything. talk about making me feel completely worthless. so I say, "you're still a kid. "  "I know. "  "so grow up, jason. be a man. make a goddamn decision. "  "I can't be with you. "  why does he always run?  my brother did the same thing. what is it about men that when faced with fight of flight emotionally, they ALWAYS run?  so unwittingly I cornered myself as well. I realized I can't let this man go, no matter how bad he is for me. I will continually put myself at his mercy, despite the fact that HE was the one who left me this summer. why do I make it so easy for him to come back. is a little bit of fear a healthy thing?  he's not afraid to lose me at all!  because he KNOWS that I'll never go anywhere. too bad the fool didn't KNOW that I loved him as much as I did. now how do I get that back?  I was crying on the windowsill. just one more part of the apartment to be initiated into my life with tears. I was hoping the sill would have been initiated in other ways. he promised to come visit me. this coming weekend was shot to hell thanks to ET. second time that bastard has screwed up my life. so I make him promise me the weekend after. only thing is that I had plans to celebrate my birthday with my friends that weekend. football game + club = fun night. now he's coming, hopefully. but yet more plans put aside for him. he would say, "but I never asked you to do that," or, "you're the one that wants me to come. "  why doesn't he get that I hate living like this, and it's HIS torture that makes me have to put my life aside?  so now what do I do?  I call him all day, playing phone tag, hating the hell I'm in. but I keep my composure. if anything I've learned in this last year of hell it's how to keep my composure. not enitirely sure what good that does me. damn this keyboard is spongy. wish it had that new full size one that has flat keys like a laptop. should make it much easier on the CTS. so what was I thinking?  oh yeah, phone tag. I finally get to talk to him while I'm in the bathroom (wow does that gross him out) and I ask him if we can just pretend last night didn't happen. and he tells me I'm paranoid. fool, you told me you couln't be with me and I'm not supposed to be paranoid?  WTF?!  geez, I write a lot in 15 mins. this picture above the computer in the lab is. interesting, not really pretty. poor taste in art these people. so then he starts falling asleep, as ususal, and the conversation dies. and each time I try to resurrect the thing to achieve some sort of closure, I feel like part of me dies too. how many buckets my tears would fill over this past year I could not count. I'm so tired of crying. it's frightening that sometimes it's the only thing that makes anything better. and even more scary that I cry just to get a response out of him because he DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!  the silence is pure torture and he must know it. but nothing ever changes. do I sound like I have abused spouse syndrome?  emotionally abused. tortured. dead. I wonder what these girls would think if they read over my shoulder. what would sameera say/do if she knew I was putting myself through hell again for this man?  time almost up. thanks for the opportunity for the release. 5 4 3 2 1 done.