this week is the most religious week in my religion. I havent been fasting like I should be. it's gets kind of difficult being in school and all . but maybe I should try harder. I mean, aren't I supposed to be responsible enough to handle things on my own. my parents sent me off to college hoping I can learn to be more responsible and independent. maybe Ill try to fast tomorrow. actually, I have been kind of bad lately. I have been eating things I should not be. and I have also been eating after dark. I wonder . how much am I going to pay for this later?  I mean in terms of sins and punishments. I am, basically, a decent human being. many other people think so. but then again, it matters what I think and if I think I am a descent person. well am I. or not?    I am . but I could be a lot better. -guess everybody can. but oh well . why do I stress about little things so much?  maybe I get it from dad. he always gets uptight over little things. man, come to think of it, I act like dad a lot. I mean I get aggravated at little things, I have, more or less, the same morals and practices. I gotta stop stressing so much or I am not gonna be able to handle college too well. it seems like I try to seem calm and collected in presence of other people, but in reality Im stressed. I seem to have a lack of self confidence. but at times, I feel more confident about myself than ever. is that uncommon?  I dunno. my lack of self confidence really does bother me. and it affects the way I am perceived by my peers. some people, like my friend *******, I mean you can just tell by the way he talks and carries himself, that is extremely confident and secure about himself. I want to be like that but I also need to be who I am, you know?  I go through phases of feeling high and low self esteem. I think my brother has a lot of effect on me. it seems like Im always feeling less confident about myself when I am around him. he has a great way of bringing out the worst in me and making me feel like crap. he does well too. butt he only does it to his family. isnt that weird?  to everybody else he is a terrific guy. but little do they know that he treats his loved ones the worst. or so it feels like it. but I never have the guts to stand up to him. why don't I. it's because Im not confident of who am and what I stand for and what I want to be. and <----- that really, I mean really bothers me. and until I figure all that out, ill continue to feel just I am feeling now, maybe worse. my brother is always in the back of my mind. if I buy a shirt, will he get mad that it costs too much, or I already had one like it, or I dont need another one. I hate him being on my shoulder in every thing I do. how can I get him out of my head. some time I wish he wasnt so smart and intelligent. then maybe he'd respect me for my own person, not the way he is or the way he wants me to be, maybe like an equal, maybe like a brother, and not a puppet. man I got some problems with myself. but I guess everyone does, right?  what make mine so much more important than others?  at least I have my health, great family, money, an education, shelter, food. where am I inside myself. I must know. Im dying to find out so I can get on with my life - with some meaning and reason. I feel chaos .