ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
okay so I'm sitting here in the computer lab in simkins dormitory     hall, realizing that I cannot type very well. how embarrassing to keep     deleting. it is so hot in here and I hate macintosh comps. I wish I     had a laptop in my room. I wish I had money. my roommate brought a     computer, and a tv. I feel like the poor one in the room. I actually     decided to do this assignment now because my roommate has two     guests over right now. they are two very nice girls but I just wanted to     get away. I just barely got back from houston at about 10 and I need     some alone time. what a weekend I had. my friends tiffany, and     diana and I went to these auditions saturday for a winter guard called     emblem281. a very renounced performance group. anyway, it is a very     fun group a kids and I was really excited about the audition. I first     and foremost am a dancer. since the audition consisted of dancing     and flag work I excelled in the dance portion. my flag work was not bad     either. don't you hate when you want something and everybody says,     oh you're going to make it". and then you don't? that's right, tiffany and     diana made it and not me. it is because I don't spin rifle and I know     the instructor wanted a male rifle line. it is pretty sad. I really wanted     to be in this group that just has so much fun together. but what     really hurt the most is the fact that I feel I fail at everything I go for in     life. let's start at the beginning of my senior year in high school. I     tried out for drum major and was told I'd make it no questions asked. I made it to area auditions on my french horn and was told I'd make     the all-state band no questions asked. I wanted to be section leader     for marching season and ended up not as the president but the vice. came to college didn't make the ballet class for my major, don't have     a spot on the field for the band's chicago show this coming game,     and didn't make it into emblem. wow. I feel a lot better. it just sucks to     be me right now. but I always pull through with God's help. or do I     just get over it? my hair is starting to itch. I think I should shower     tonite instead of tomorrow morning. I wonder why do we itch. what is     the explanation of an itch. are the nerves freaking out and by     scratching does that friction calm the nerves back down? I think     about the reason things happen often. like why do our joints make     the cracking sound? something about the releasing of air or     something. I forget. I must go to sleep soon. I have to get up for     dance class at 8. yeah tell me about it. my mom bought me all these     groceries so I don't have to worry about walking across campus to     eat all the time. I love her so much. even though money is tight, she     always makes a way for me. I will never forget the strings we had to     pull for my high school prom. okay time has expired. this little     assignment makes me feel I should get a journal. I just hope I have     done this right. Ii aiming for an 'a' in the class!
I miss my best friend. My other friend could care less of my existence since he has a woman now. I am so unorganized, and I can't type for shit. I am definately frustrated and scared. I am scared that my classes are going to be extremely hard, but most of all, I wish that I did not have to decide on my future. I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that is a really big decision. I wish I could just travel the world and never look back. I really wouldn't mind being a bum, as long as I was in paris. I wonder what Lestat is doing right now. I have so much to read and do, but I just never find the time. THe time is just sitting there waiting on me, but I have yet to find my way. Organization is a good thing to have. Something I do not aquire. Figures. I want to meet some really cool friends, but for some reason, I don't think they are here. Maybe I should have moved to Boston. Now I will prolly never go. Figures again. I paused to think of what to say, and a really bad word came to mind. Again. I don't know what to do. I'm a dork magnet. I have  zits all over my face, and the cute guy next door has yet to be seen. Figures. Ambulences. I hate that sound. I find it very annoying in the middle of the night. Gas. Roommate - uncertain. I was hoing for some drop - dead woman, and get a sad little home-schooler. Oh well she says. Well, it looks like my time is up. . C-you.
*****Why does this keep going to the left instead of down a space at the end of each line Prof. Pennebaker?????************* As I sit in this library, I can't help but notice the pleasure I get from the quietness. It is the same feeling I get from sitting in a park or on a golfcourse. Perhaps even in a bookstore. The quietness provides my mind with an escape from the everyday world of horns, traffic jams, and yelling. From this feeling, my mind seems to work on a smoother track, with less obstacles to overcome before I can finish a complete thought. If the world was in a complete silence at all times, or perhaps even if I were deaf, I believe I would be wiser and would be able to formulate thoughts easier. Does this mean that deaf people actually have an easier time getting by in the world? Or is their inability to communicate too much of a burden. Maybe this is what's wrong with todays world. Communication lines are so mixed up due to language barriers and different types of slang that the world is like one large deaf fishbowl. In that case, deaf people WOULD have an easier everyday life because they would be minus the struggles we all go through with communication. If communication were an easy things, and we all saw eye-to-eye on all issues, achieving things such as world peace, business agreements, and compromises would be no big deal. Where did the communication lines go wrong? Why did humanity branch out into hundreds of different languages and tongues when one universal language could have eliminated so many problems. The answer to that will most likely never be found. This girl sitting to my right is awfully attractive, but I can't muscle up the courage to talk to her. Is it once again the problem of communication, or does this have to do purely with a lack of courage. I would like to think it is a communication problem, but that would probably be just a lame excuse for not talking to her. Of course it is a lack of courage. Although I know she won't bite my head off, slap me, ignore me, or flat out dis me, I still am too much of a coward to begin a conversation with her. What if she knew what I was thinking right now. Would she be flattered, embarrassed, insulted, or just flat out shocked? I guess I'll never know, unless I ask her. We both know that isn't going to happen because we've already established that I'm acting like a coward right now. No big deal, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Wow! I can't believe how fast twenty minutes just went. Writing without structure is a lot more enjoyable then writing with it, and as they say: Time flies when you're having fun!
Okay. So I need to write what's on my mind. Right now all I can think of is that chemistry test I just took at 9:30am this morning. It was my first test in college I was scared as hell before I took it because I was scared I would run into problems I didn't know how to workout and I would not pass the test. Now I'm sitting in anxiety for the results. I keep going to the site to see if the results are posted yet. I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm trying almost anything I can think of to get the test off my mind, one of my choices being going ahead and doing this assignment, but it only makes me more anxious. Goodness I feel so behind in my classes and I don't know why I mean I have work to do, but they aren't due for a while and I got time to relax, but can't. Again that stupid test is on my mind. Why does it torture me so? I'm sitting here praying I will get an 'A' on it because I gave it the best shot I could have even if I had studied continuously the whole week, I wouldn't have been able to do better. I guess partially out of regret for waiting to study until the night before, but there wasn't much material to learn and there was nothing new on it for me. The entire thing was a review for me from chemistry II my junior year. My stomach is in huge knots and I feel scared for some odd reason now it's like some sort of intuition or warning signs are going off inside of me bad warning signs and I don't like it. Those warning signs usually mean I'm in trouble for something, but I don't know why yet why I could be in trouble. I hate not knowing things. It makes me feel so vulnerable and I hate being put on a spot like that. My gosh I hope I didn't fail the test, otherwise I'll be in so much trouble it's not even funny. I just relaxed my shoulders and they hurt now from being so tense. I wish I could relax right now. Maybe I'll go work out to release some of my stress as soon as I'm through typing this assignment I still have 9 more minutes according to the clock. Man, I really hope I run into Siddharth today again that boy is really cute! But one thing puzzles me does Alvin like me? He always notices me and waves, but last night, he was like with me for a long time and kept saying how everyone is going to think there is something going on between us BULL CRAP THEY WILL! I think he wants me to think that they already do and might as well go with the flow the way he was hinting it. Man! that test, but it's not that anymore I feel like I'm in trouble and I don't know why is everything okay at home? I sure do hope so. Why do I concern my self so much everything will be okay no? Hey! need to write my cousins I really don't feel like writing Sonu now, I'll write him over the weekend when I go home. Man I've gained so much weight it's not even funny. but anyways my 20 minutes are over I hope this assignment is long enough I don't want to get in trouble for quantity this assignment is so weird and it scares me you just write what's on your mind I've never done that I've always had to think what I write and it's terrifying because any minute I feel someone is going to jump and say its wrong and I'll get a zero.
I can't believe that I waited until the very last minute to do this. I've never beem so crazy stressed out of my mind ever in my life. I just couldn't find 20 minutes in the last seven days where I could just sit down when I wasn't totally fried. I hope that this dose not bode poorly for this semester. I think I can oull it out. This Festival I can't believe that Cinematexas is almost here in two weeks my life will be totally different. . Having only had eight days off this entire year is just insane. . I think I'm holding up but I feel that I coming apart now. I think that's what I scared about. This year I've really pushed myself tothe limit in terms of what I can do going jback to school crazy extra curricular stuph I've learned so much. Mostly about what kind of person that I am. What am I capable of. Which is some great stuff. But I'm not there yet I 'm almost there though. It's weird in my film classes when people look to me and vthink that I'm a T. A. or look to me for help. It's strange I guess people see good things in me. I like that annd I do the same thing. . I gues I'm just used to people being more aloof I hope that I'm not that way. some of the people that I have met at this festival have given me that instant companionship. That instant love and that's so great. . I guess when people are looking to me for answers  wheither it's about their cameras of their relationships I guess that means I'm becoming the type of person that I want to be. . That's a great reward in itself. I smoked again two nights ago. I have to stop after quitting for two years I can't fall of the wagon and go back to that. . It was only a few cigs (one fantastic Nat Sherman MCD the very best) I can't let this girl. well she's not doing it really. I can't let the tantrum I'm throwing:) over this girl mess up what took a long time ito acheive I feel like a hypocrite when I smoke now. I don't know I just get lonely filled with self pity overwhelemed and I just want a catharsis. . smoking is sort of one. . I don't know I need ito stop again I don't think I 'll go back to the way it was but it's still scarey. I really think thigs are'nt as bad when I have a second to actually relax and evalute things I feel very good. . like the night before class tabling at the show I realized how many people I have met in the last year how many close friends that I'm making and have made and how important that I've become in certain peoples life and how much I'm going to be doing in the near future. It's all going to be worthwile I think I just feel impaitent it just seems like I've been waiting for ten years to get the chance to do what I want to do. what's going to be the best for me. and every BS class I have to take or everytime some jerk in Communications office is rude to me and everytime I'm treated crappy at work it's just one Bergman-esque humiliation after another. sometimes I hope that my   artistic spirit   doesn't die the death of a million pinpricks. . I really like this kind of writing it's been pretty theraputic, but I have to go
College seems very stressful. It's not like high school where you are playing only to get into college, now, more or less, you are playing for the rest of your life. It seems rather dramatic when you think about it. How can an eighteen year old hold the future in his or her hands. That seems rather demanding. However, the possibility of greatness and success can motivate five- year olds, it seems. Anyway, 40000 people is certainly a lot to contend with. Pressure seems to fill the air everywhere. Not that I mind it at all. I kind of like the atmosphere that engulfs Texas. The attitude of "wanting to learn " is beneficial to everyone involved in the higher education process. High School seems like a distant memory now that I'm here. It's extremely hard to imagine that only a few months ago I was a Senior. Man was that fun to say. I enjoyed every second of my senior year, but this year will be so much better. Thinking of the Princess Diana tragedy. . She was a wonderful woman. I think that outside her death, the biggest tragedy to come out of this deal is the fate of her children. I couldn't possibly imagine the stress and trauma of losing my mother. That's seems incomprehensible at my age. I look now to the rest of the school year. It seems so intimidating right now. I don't know how the courses will be and I hope that my work ethic will stand firm. I think that my favorite quote is "Greatness courts failure"  I dont think there is anything more true in this world than that. I first heard it on Tin Cup. What a great flick. I saw Boyz in the Hood last night for the first time in years. Outside of the young boy giving the Reagan Bush '84 sign the bird, the movie was spectacular. Funny how there were riots in Los Angeles on the night of the movie's premier. That seems odd. The movie is very sympathetic to the myriad of problems in South Central, LA and automatically, there is public outcry. That's like riots in Scotland when Braveheart was released (Didnt happen, but serves as a sarcastic counter point. The best movie of all time maybe Braveheart, but the best movie of last year was Jerry Maguire, hands down. Good love story and date flick. I recommend it to anyone who reads my babble here. Furthermore, it is imperative to realize the implications and the modifications of absolutely nothing. I just like typing implications and modifications. Do do do a da da da. Theme of a funny commercial I saw yesterday, one of the many considering how bored I was. Slothfulness can certainly be enjoyable, though
I can't ever seem to remember my passwords. And this lack of remembrance has really started to effect my disposition. Everytime I try to log on to a computer, I can't remember one password from the other and it has gotten to the point where I just want to kick myself in the head. Most of the time I just want to lie down and go to sleep. People keep on staying over in my apartment and I just can't get any sleep in the night. I can't survive with this for much longer. Sometimes, I wish I was going to a faraway place where no one knows me and I can remain anonymous forever. I don't have to wash dishes for my roommates friends or clean up after anyone. I also wish that my parents would trust me everyonce in a while. I know my limits. I care enough about myself and my future to not screw it up. Before, I didn't care about much anything but lately I've come to realize this lack of compassion, even for a moment, has adverse effects. I've come to realize that every second matters and every second can be utilized and it is only when you are satisfied that you were ahead in some way this second than the last is the only way to truly be content. Humans, especially the ones here, are really ignorant of some basic kindness. They seem to forget that they are not the only ones with feelings. And they also think that they know nothing of what they are doing to you when they know perfectly clear. Butterfly in the sky. I think most birds can fly twice as high. I was sitting in the chem auditorium in welch and it just hit me the magnitude of this university. It's freaking huge. there are more people in that auditorium then in my graduating class. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get carpel tunnel syndrome. All this typing since the last 5 years constantly plus all the ones in the next 50 years will have some sort of negative effect. I want to dye my hair brown. but then I'll be just like every other Indian. there are more indians here than in all of the rest of america combined. After caucasians, indians seem most prevalent. dell and gates signed a deal for a huge merger. it was one of those things which I don't really care about. everyone makes fun of gates but I don't see why. the man is worth billions. he could have people killed. at the moment, there's no one I'd like to injure severely, I think I just might want to kick a few of them in the head.
I am wondering how I am going to type because I do not type very well. I also think that you are going to think that i am stupid for misspelling words and what not. i feel anxious. i do not know why. i feel stressed beyond belief. i want to got to sleep right now. i am wondering what i am going to type next. i try to write in journals but when i write about my feelings i go off on tangents, like writing my stream of concsiousness (however you spell it) i feel as though my mind goes a mile a minute and i want o verbalize, write/type, etc what i feel or think but i think that my body is too slow. like i start to studder, or i am not able to formulate my thoughts completely, i don't type fast to keep up with my thoughts. i have a fear about writing, i do not know why. some insecurity i must have developed and know it makes me really nervous to the point of where i begin to sweat and feel . i do not know?   today was the yr anniv of 9/11, i thought it weird that one of my prof kept referring sept. 11 as 9-1-1. i thought how strange is that, how strange that prof is in general. there is osmething about her that is really weird. i hate to be so judgemental, but there is somethiing weird there.    i had a wonderful conversation with my mother today it was great, i love her  we talked for about an hour. i talked about my fears and growth as a person. she seemed truely interested in me. i feel that people are not interested in me (except my bf, but he gets on my nerves)  like i talk to people and i want to get to know them, i ask questions, and people just love to talk about themselves, but as for me, i do to, but no one seems to care (except my annoying bf, he seems to want to know everything down to the second. this is him calling me right know on my mobile, how weird!!!!   i told you. he wants to talk to me every five seconds, he is like a girl or something, always wanting to know what the hell you are doing.  i hope this has spell check on it because i know i have probably mispelled a lot of words. don't you hate it when someone sends you an email or something and there is a mispelled word on it?  i feel really embarressed for that person, so i never want that to happen to me so I always spell check, but i guess i can't this time. i am not that stupid. or am i?   well i have about 2 min left, it wasn't that painful   i thought i was going to be staring at a blank screen wondering what the hell to write. the 20 mins went by really quickly 10, 9, 8,7,6, 5,4,3,2,1 yea!!!!!  its over!  not bad, eh?  enjoy
I even went to summer school here in the Preview Program and I still find myself in amazement sometimes. I am adjusting well-- a great deal better than my mom. That could be because college is something I knew I had to do and the University of Texas at Austin has always been the place I wanted to be. My classes are okay. I have a sort of messed up schedule. I really cannot complain. Tuesdays are the only days that totally messes with my mind. I cannot seem to get signed up for a research experiment in Mezos. I have went by a numerous amount of times. I like to get things done ahead of time. I am just now doing this because the lab is always full. I am too lazy to go to the one at my apartment complex and when I came to the lab yesterday I totally messed up on the waiting list procedure. When it asked for your name, I put in my name instead of my if account. so I couldn't log in and it assigned my computer to someone else. When I used the lab over the summer I never had to get on a waiting list, so I did not know. I did get quite embarrassed though. I did it right today. But I guess I did not anticipate doing so, I did not bring a disk. As far as I can tell though I don't need one to complete this assignment. so let's see, school is doing fine. I am having roommate trouble a little bit. I live off-campus and I have 3 roommates. Well, 3 of us get along fine. But one attends ACC and she is 17 years old (boy, does she act it). Well, that is the only thing that is bothering me. I am stuck with her for a year. She lied to get in our apartment and now we are stuck with her. Oh well. In my Philosophy class, which I just left by the way, Professor martinich is so interesting. He wrote two of our textbooks. He' s real perceptive and insightful. I am taking Philosophy of Religion. There are about 150-200 people in the class, so we have SI Groups. I hate my SI. We are supposed to discuss and we actually get graded for it. But, I don't fell comfortable doing so. I love to talk and I have plenty of opinions, so that's bothering me. The only thing I can come up with is that when talking about a thing like religion everyone comes into the discussion with strong opinions. Like last week, we basically argued. I made a comment and they looked at me like," Boy is she stupid. "  I don't  like that. Even the TA acts like he has his own views and those that are against the grain aren't worth listening to. He questions your comment and accepts others. I don't  know. I am thinking about talking to Dr. MArtinich. I guess I'll give it one more try. that was just the first one. I shouldn't get counted off for being in an uncomfortable environment.