Okay, I think this is going to be hard for me to do because honestly I'm not sure if someone will be reading this and if they will think that what I say is stupid or I am doing it wrong but perhaps that is a stupid thing to say also since I just clearly read that there is no right or wrong thing to say. so basically I have just entered this new sort of world. I am now what I would call a real person. that is, I am no longer totally dependent on a parental figure or figures as it were. this is like a whole new life for me. right now I suppose I am lonely, living by myself and so from this statement stems the thought that has haunted me for days: should I be living in a dorm instead of my own apartment and I could go on and on thinking this but I will always come to the same conclusion. And that is that either way there are advantages and disadvantages, and besides that there is no reason to play the what if game because I already live in an apartment and there is no way that I could even get into a dorm at this point. But I know that that is my nature. That is, to think about things that I can't change. I always wonder well, if I had done it that way then this would have happened or wouldnt have happened. I hate that I do that. there really is no point. I can't change the past so I don't really understand why I waste the present regretting past decisions or thinking about what could have been if only. of course, I have tons of regrets in my life. maybe I just I don't know. I honestly don't know why I can't just be happy with the decisions I make for myself. it all goes back to my stupid nature of always envying other people. I tend to look at what they have and think that I could be like that if only I. it could be any thing. I just hate always being envious of others and thinking that they are better than me because. the list could go on and on. Really I don't know why I am not satisfied with the way I am. I mean I know that I don't have self esteem problems but still I am always thinking that I need some sort of improvement. I really should be happy with myself. I have done a lot of good things for myself and I have a lot going for me unlike others for example tracy walker. but still I can take a person like that and still find things in her that I envy. I must say that is pretty pathetic of me. w wish I knw why I even cared about tracy or the whole lake dallas crew. I mean, I spent my whole life with these people playing the little game that everyone played the lake dallas way all up until my last year when I realized how unbelievably stupid it all was. its weird how my junior and senior year my outlook on life totally changed from the way that I saw things my freshman and sophomore year. now there is a time that I wish I could go back to. I hadnt made any stupid mistakes yet. I didnt have any enemies I had tons of friends I was secure with myself and for christ sake I wore a freaking size 6. lord, life was good back then and I really just wish that I could go back to it sometimes. I am beginning to wonder if life will ever be as great as it was then. I know that sounds pathetic but I still have to wonder. everyone days college is so great but I just hope that the social aspect will pick up soon. I feel as if I am behind or maybe I just don't know how to have fun like I used to. I think that I just need to find friends that I am truly comfortable with and a boyfriend wouldnt be bad either.