I am listening to Tracy Chapman, The Promise, and this song makes me soo sad. I think about Toby, and how this song completely makes me want to do what the song says. I want to find my way back to Wisconsin. I am actually going through a very emotional and frustrating time right now. I don't know how many things are going through my head but there is alot to think about. I don't know what I want to study. I have no goals, and that in itself is sooo frustrating. I want to be able to start working towards something. I love being able to definitely have a plan. I am not someone who can handle doing something unexpected. But I am starting to cope with. Another thing that I am dealing with right now, that I constantly have in the back of my mind, is the fact that I am in love with someone sooo far away, that I've spent a week with. I learned last night in my meditation class that love is the key to everyones happiness, or anunda. Everyone desires love; everyone wants to find and experience love. And once found, then nothing can become a barrier. But for me it is my parents money that is a barrier. I've never been on my own, and they are paying for everything right now. They pay for my apartment, schooling, books, and they give me a sum of money to live off of. I doubt that if I wanted to be a full time student that I would be able to have the luxuries that I do now, and have a job, and support myself. However, I want to experience my own dreams. I want to be able to say and do what I please with  no strings attatched. Man it feels good to say that. I only wish I had the courage to actually do what I am thinking. I want to travel and find love, and discover who I am before I can make any decisions whatsoever about my future. I am soo completely lost in the ideals of my upbringing and the conflicting ideals that I feel are more important. I fell that my parents have not experienced true happiness because they have chosen to live a conservative life full of restrictions both imposed by society and imposed by their own ignorance of what is True (with a capital t) I want to get away from it. Howeveri t is going to take much courage on my part. TO part with everything I have grown up believing. Well, not entirely. I still posess the same morals and ideals of what a person should be to stay peaceful and good. However, the materialistic impositions that I have lived with, the restrictions of what I can do, and the expectations that they have of me that I will never fulfill. I can't speak to my parents without them shrugging or belittling my desires and aspirations. Obviously they are not letting me be who I strive to be. I want to have a guiltless consciousness. I want to be able to express myself without thinking of what my concervative and rude to say the least parents might think. I just decided that maybe I would enjoy being an elementary school teacher, and they shrugged and laughed, saying that I was taking the easy way out of college. However, if they had taken the time to listen to my reasoning, they would have found my reasons to be much more altruistic than that. Also, the fact that I dropped a biology class that I am not interested in and have not time to study for (considering my schedule at present) made them cringe. I had to listen to how all I am here for is a good time and how I am only taking 13 hours when my dad struggled with 18 hours. I am not them, and I don't believe in their repression. I am indeed repressed frrom becoming an individual and I am just now starting to climb out of my shell. I am looking for inspiration and motivation however, and I think love is my answer. I believe that whether it is not the True love, it is my steppng stone to following my dreams. Friendship is another thing that I treasure and that I despise in turn. My friends that I've grown up with are much different from me and we have been feeling the repercussions of these differences growing exponentially since we've all come to college. Sorority life is not my cup of tea, however, they are all very enthralled with sorority life and sisters, thus creating somewhat of a breech between us.  Music is such inspiration and is the key to expression and life. I wonder how many people are truly affected by music. How many peoppe let music into their heart. It can either devour you or bring you up. I find that itr can create certain moods, it can create certain sensations, and it can create certain motivations. Music can make you or break you in my opinion. I don't know what else to write. I am soo exhausted of thinking. It feels like I have been soulsearching for eternity, actually only the past couple of weeks. Since I found love, since I found myself. This may sound cheesy, wait no. It is not. It is me. And it is truthful. When I said it was cheesy, I was thinkging of what my parents would thingk. They would say that I am too young to love or to know what is right and what is for me. But I say hell no. I am not going to put up with that anymore. I knowwhat it is like to experience this. I was just interupted by these boys dopwn the hall who are really fun but who i havn't gotten to know so well yet. We wnet to dinner tonight,but it is only the stepping stone to a better relationship. I can't read them yet. For instance I don't know what they want from me. Some of them act a little shady. I don't know what kind of relati