. instrumental plays. "candlelight and soul forever, a dream of you and me together; say you believe it, say you believe it/ free your mind of doubt and danger, be for real, don't be a stranger; we can achieve it, we can achieve it/ come a little bit closer baby (get it on, get it on) because tonight is the night when two become one/I need some love like I never needed love before (want to make love to you baby)/I had a little love, now I'm back for more (want to make love to you baby)/set your spirit free - it's the only way to be". fade out. i never really realized how much the music I hear during the day (week, month, year, etc. ) affects me and plays through my head when I'm not concentrating. da da da da da da da da da da da da da beautiful stranger. geeze, Madonna does some raunchy things in that video. i really liked that new Mariah Carey video I saw this afternoon. throwing popcorn at Jerry O'Connel. mariah fighting Mariah-in-a-wig. fighting. those Austin American Statesman vendors are starting to come up to our door now. how annoying. how am I supposed to concentrate on this writing assignment if folk keep coming through the dorms and bothering me? Anyway, where was I? Somewhere with more pleasant thoughts. get away from reality - it sucks. Sailor Moon. ai to seigi no, Sailor no Bishoujo Senshi - Sailor Moon! Tsukini kawatte oshioki yo!!! Star sticks became crystal sticks. mercury/Mars/Jupiter/Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!!! Sailor Soldiers theme plays. i hope I'll still have time around here to write my fanfics and my original piece. writing may be just a hobby, or so Mom says, but I'm devoted to  it just the same, and I will keep writing, no matter what; like TV, it helps keep me sane in what seems like an insane world. all these kids and what-used-to-be-kids-a-few-weeks-ago, drinking, screwing around, partying their butts off, struggling through classes, spending all their free time studying; God!!! How can humans live like this?!!? I must write, I must watch television, I must keep my imagination going - I must keep creating my own worlds and immersing myself in them as much as possible while still functioning normally in the outside world. why write fiction, someone once asked? Someone quite succinctly answered, "Because reality bites!" I want to be like these people, and yet I do not; but then again, that's the way it is with me, always, isn't it? Human, yet inhuman, helper of men and destroyer of nations, this and that. i am always the great exception, one way or another. Mortal and immortal, good and evil, all abstract opposites do I embrace, and yet none can claim me fully. scientist, warrior, bard, clumsy, ugly oaf. i am what I am. What am I? I am Ronnel. i have been Evan, I have been Ryan, I have been Vance, I have been Vladimir, I have been Ethan, I have been Devon. a million assumed names over what feels like 11 lifetimes (but it's not; I know very well I'm just as mortal and human as the next guy - it's just that sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I guess you have these kind of odd thoughts when you have a world-generating imagination like mine. when you have pride like mine. arrogance like mine. insane and freaky judgment like mine. "I am a god! I am a god!! Damn you all who say it is not so!!!" goes a line from a book I've read. my roommate is on the phone again. talking with all of his friends who always call here, while  no one really ever calls me except for Mom, who just calls to nag. not that I mind the solitude, it's just that taking messages and answering phones for someone else and not getting paid $11. 50 an hour for it can get really annoying really fast. He's talking about a friend who lives in a private dorm - I wish I lived in a private dorm. I don't think I'll ever be really happy unless I can have my own house - not a big house, mind you, just one about the size of the one I grew up in. Just my own little castle in suburbia with my own bathroom, my own bedroom, my own closet, my own kitchen, my own TV, my own stereo; a place where I don't have to share and I don't have to worry about what anyone else wants - hell, I want a place where I can go (and stay) and have no problems. No worrying about where my paycheck and financial aid are, where the closest bank is around here, what time I have to be at class, what assignments I have to do. I want to be able to sit around all day and do nothing if I so choose, and have no ill consequences come out of it whatsoever. Yeah, that's a world I'd love - a world with no problems and no ill consequences from anything done. Hmph, how funny - I've just described Sailor Moon's Crystal Tokyo of the 30th century. I want utopia. not a bad wish, when you really think about it, except that when I wished for it, I just wanted it for myself. I've noticed myself become more selfish and arrogant this past year- I wonder how that came out? Ah, well, forget about how - research that when you're in med school or have to write your next psych paper. For now, just condition yourself (whatever name you choose to use this time around) to be a good person, do your best, and keep writing about worlds where the good guys always win, problems can always be solved, and no matter how tragic things get, you can always have a happy ending. "Oh, what a beautiful dream; if it could only come true, you know, you knowith  what we need is a great big melting pot* Okay, strike that; hate that song. Okay, it's been 20 minutes, so let's send this in and hope the Prof. doesn't think you're too crazy. In case you have doubts, Dr. Pennebaker, I'm not; at least, not to the untrained eye. okay, shut up- you're not helping your image. Just wrap this up, okay? WRAP THIS UP! All right, go!