"antisocial"--that is what it said in large letters as I walked into my dorm room today. Everyone on my floor thinks I am antisocial. I hate the way that people do not ever understand the difference between anitsocial and shy. I wish that people would just to understand people more and hate them less. I guess it is partially my fault. I long to meet new people and make new friends but I spend all of my time locked in my room talking to all of my old freinds that are hundrends of miles away. They are all coming to visit me tomorrow for my 19th birthday. lots of them are coming. I guess it will at least show all of the jerks on my floor that I am not as "anitsocial" as they think I am. They are all so stupid anyway. All they do is get drunk every single night. How can they think so highly of themselves living that way. When do they ever study? The true is that I am jealous of them, I have always wanted to be so carefree and fun. But, I would never pick on anyone, EVER! I guess I could go out and party everynight, but that just isn't me. I would fell silly if I ever went to one of those wild parties. Besides, I am going to be a doctor, I need to stay and study. It makes me sick to imagine the possibility of not getting into medical school, it is my dream, the only thing I really want. But, I am not the most desipined student, I love to slack off and sit and play on aol. I will never get into a good medical school and then I will be lost, it is the scariest thing I have ever had to face. It is so scary that I try to protect myself. I am a diehard romantic and it is amazing that in my lowest moments I think about marrying Ty in order to secure my future. Ty is my ex-boyfreind that I would never be happy with but I in the business honors program and wil surely be rich someday. I often think that if I marry him then it will be okay if my medical school falls through. I know it would be stupid but I think it at times. What I really want is someone to sweep me off my feet, like in the movies. I love okd black and white mushy romantic movies more than anything in the world. The are so sweet and beautiful and you can always tell that they will never fall out of love and that they really will live happily ever after. Such a nice thought. I guess I cna't ask for a fairy tale but I know that I will never get a divorce. NEVER!  I was always so proud growing up that my parents never divorced. I always thought that it somehow made me better than everyone, like I had something to do with it. Well, the last day of school on my Sophmore year my mom called me into the living room and told me she was moving out. I thought I was going to die. The effects of this event have been bothering me ever since. I am so clingy now with guys I date that I drive them insane. I have this unbelievable fear of being left by those I love, and I wwent through a phase were I cried everyday for a year. I am going to be a much better parent to my kids than most. I am going to sing to them and show them hapy movies and take them to museums and plays and play games with them. I will puch them to be wonderful, but not too much. And I will make sure that every moment of their lives they know how much I love them. I can't wait to have children. I do worry thought. sometimes even the best parents can't always innfluence their kids to be good. Tonight Ty is taking me out for dinner. I invited my roommate to come with us, she said she would and I feel bad because I think it hurt his feelings that I asked her. I just can't help it. Even in high school I would invite the band director that everyody hated to walk around with us in Disney World. He looked so lonely walking by himself. I hope I find someone to appricate me being like that.