Well, unfortunately, I don't really like the way my mind works because it seems to churn in circles but never get anywhere. Some people can just lay back and absorb what's going on around them, but I seem to overanalyze everything that goes on Ð everything that's said to me, any gestures that people make towards me that could be insulting. They are all taken badly. I was dating this guy who got mad because I overanalyzed everything and he said, "Just do what I do and not think about it. " But people don't seem to understand what that means. It doesn't work to tell yourself "Stop thinking about it", because then you're thinking about it. I've talked to people about it numerous times and all they tell me is that I'm wasting away my life because I'm stressing about nothing and getting nowhere and that I need to do something about it because I'm not getting anywhere and I'm getting old fast. When people hear that I'm just starting college and stuff, they say they wish they were in my position, but I wish I was in their position. I wish I had no stupid problems like boys that don't pay attention and friends that get jealous. But even though I say I don't want it, I create drama for my life, and if there's nothing going on, I create problems. I don't really do it intentionally, but I've realized that if a relationship is going great, then I always do something that causes problems or I can't trust that nothing is wrong and so I start blaming people for things and saying they're lying to me. I recently got into (recently meaning more like about the last 2 years) this thing where I thought I needed psychological help and I talked to my parents about seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, except that it wasn't really a constructive conversation. It was more like I said I was tired of running and getting nowhere and other things that make me mad, but they just sort laughed and said "Don't be silly. " The problem is that I didn't talk to them about anything that was going on, so they didn't know that there was any sort of problem. They thought that everything was perfectly normal and that I didn't really have any sort of problems. But I was looking in a book store for something about the psychology of love, just because it interests me, but instead I found something on the bargain shelf for 99 cents that was about dealing with minor psychological problems in yourself and others. But there's this problem that when I started reading the book, I thought I had all the problems in it. I started with something like OCD, and I related it to my life, and decided that's what my problem was, and then also with bipolar and definitely ADD. So I stopped reading it, because I would be doing something and get angry about it and then quote something from the book and my mom got so tired of it and said it was making problems for me and I should stop reading it. But it was so interesting to me. But I would be reading along and tears would come to my eyes because I would relate so much. Then I would run into some of the disorders I didn't know much about, and relate them too, like autism. So I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me, and because of it, it was causing other problems, so that I had a combination of lots of things going on in my head. I don't know about all the other things, but I'm pretty much for sure that I have ADD. I did a research project on Ritalin for my senior paper, and that's when I really started getting interested in it. The problem is that my brain is either on or off. I can be completely focused and completely engrossed or I can be completely uninterested and not even know what someone's saying to me. The worst part is that it gets worse when I have PMS, for example, I worked at a restaurant and I went in one morning and was completely scatter brained and couldn't find anything and was just walking around in circles, and the manager said to me, "Wake up," and I got so upset, I thought it was such an insult and after work I went home and cried because I knew I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life. My mind sometimes just leaves my head, and I can't think or concentrate, even on what I'm saying. I'll be in the middle of a sentence and then just get tired of what I'm saying and just stop and say, "You know, whatever. " I meet someone and ask them their name, but then don't listen for the answer, so I never remember anyone's name and I forget things that have just happened, and I know that it's going to last forever, because my mom has it, my grandmother has it, and my cousin is the worst. My cousin was diagnosed with bipolar disease and she was on something, I think it was Prozac, and she had lots and lots of problems taking it. She's a lot better about taking it now, but when she doesn't, her "cluelessness" kicks in worse than ever. So I think the cluelessness is tied into something greater that's a problem with me. My parents are completely against medicine and think it's against Christianity, but I wish my whole family was on medicine. My brother and I both have anxiety attacks sometimes and my mom and dad are just crazy. My mom plays this nice, wonderful housewife that loves everyone and everything, but then she'll go crazy and do things like try and run away for a while and tell me that she almost threw everything from my floor out the window. It is completely like a scene out of the movie American Beauty. I've been brought up thinking that you can have your emotions and that you're entitled to your emotions, but they aren't a public thing. So I used to go into my room and just flip out and cry and fall to the ground and silently scream and they never knew anything was wrong. So when I went to Rhode Island last summer, I was completely messed up. I was living in a dorm with someone, because I was at a summer school kind of thing for art, and so I couldn't get away and cry; there were always people there. I would get my lunch and try to eat with everyone, but I would start to take the first bite and then just start crying because I wanted to go home. I called home all the time and said I thought if I stayed that I was going to die, and I really thought I was going to. well, unfortunately my 20 minutes is up, so I can't talk anymore, but I have about 3 more hours of things to say, if not three weeks.