stream of consciousness, I don't even know how to spell the word, god my roommate is so retarded. she is so fat. if I get fat because of all the junk food ill be real angry. god I can't type. this is so retarded. I really like the song. damn I have to go to the bath room and its only been like 3 minutes porbaqbly less, there I dammit go again, can't type. uggghhh the stupid computer guy didnt call back about my computer, stupid flirt  oh yeah he can flirt and try and act all cool with me and my roommate but can't even get my computer back before my assignment is due. I hate using other peoples computers it just doenst feel the same and I really don't like typing on lap tops. I like my computer, it feel comfortable, I feel so weird at my own personal computer in college doing college stuff. although I am reall glad I don't have to write any papers. I'm pretty damn good at writting but I hate the effort that you have to put into it. my papers have to be perfect, each word percisely chosen, but then that is the point of most papers I mean all the really good writters specifically choose they're words to convey a point. I really have to go to the bathroom, but my god damn roommate has a guy over and the bathroom is right next to her room, I mean how akward is that. I have a problem going when its just girls. I have a dg meeting no a retreat at five 15 can't wait I really am beginnig to like being a dg although I don't know where ill get the money to pay for this but I worry about that later, I always get around things that I want, although I didnt get into the sor that I wanted I mean out of 5 I didn't get either, I just didnt realize how incredibly hard is is to get into the good ones, I just wish I knew why I was rejected at some of them. and I am really really bothered by the fact that this is so final I mean for life, I can't go back and try to fix things or change things. that's what's really bothering me, I can't seem to be in charge. I really wanted to be on crew really bad, I looks so fun and I love water, but the practices are so early I mean 5 and 6 in the morning, that's like the middle of the night for me. I got home at 2 and would have only got 3 hours of sleep if I wanted to go to try outs, and since I can't go to the practice tomarrow I am pretty sure thqat I can't do it, there's always next year, I guess its all for the best, I mean I will have a chance to get my footing and get adjusted, I don't want to be to heavily involved my first semester and being in a sorority takes up so much of my time. god I just really want to meet some hot guy and make really close friends, I know I'm supposed to give it time but I have been so severly disappointed since I have been here. I didnt get the chance I wanted to be in the in the really cool top sors and live-- had to go to the bathroom much better. I guess I'm happy I mean I just have such high expectations for myself, ilways want to appear to very cool to everyone else, I guess other's opinions really do matter and I know that isn't what is going to make me happy yes like with jas. jazz I really fucked up that one, all I could think was will I be cooll with this guy next year, not if I was happy or if I liked him as a person and when I realized what he meant to me it was too late. and then there's also the fact that after we got in that little fight I cuouldnt do anything about it. just wait for him to call or not call, I couldnt fix it. even after I went down there I wanted to make him see I was sorry and that I could be and was everything he wanted. I can get so messed up sometimes. I don't give people a chance because I don't perceive them as what other's would perceive as cool soes that make sense well to me it does. why am I so obsessed with society standards, I guess that 's I why I have never really be that happy or had a really super good best friend. to worried about what other people will think or say when they see me. I want to be proud like all the other girls and I don't see why they get to have everything. I mean they can be cold hearted bitches an dback stabbers, everything bad, but they'll have popularity, hot guys tons of people dying to be their friends, but me typically very nive and loyal doesn't ever get any of that, or maybe I do but just not they way I want. I always want what other people have or I can't get. more writting but I kkinda ran out of topics running why do I have to run so much and eat so little I'm mean I have a serious problem with wieght gain, I can't loose the pounds and I seriously feel like cruying because my legs are so thick. I mean I work out and I'm trying to more and have seriously cut back on my this song sucks how much longer, I guess its ok I don't want to take off my ursuline ring its part of who I am, I think its cute that I still wear it. i had a good time at ursuline it was only this summer that I got dicked over. I don't know what the deal is with andrea but the has some serious issues, she needs to grow up or get a life. I mean she just takes me for granted so much and now she's doing it to my roommate and I don't like it, I thought for once I would be able to get heroutof my life but it doesn't look that way, its like she doenst respect my friendship at all, she really doenst respect anyone, she is a conceited spoiled brat. I need to brush my teeth oh hey look I'm done