ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Things have changed so much since I got to college. Everything has taken a complete and utter flipside to the norm. I came here with two of my best friends from high school and now we are no longer speaking. Things get complicated. My plans for the upcoming and muchawaited Texas/Oklahoma Game has managed to break up a friendship very important to me. Its insane that such a petty conflict in such an unimportant situation can kill something that I've known so well for the past few years. Regardless, my life is so different now. I went through high school on a very tight leash with my parents and now I have no restrictions. No more "be in by one o'clock", no more "you can't spend the night out" no more "do your homework". Even though I'm supported by them primarily, I make my own decisions now. It seems a lot easier to go with the flow of things around here, do what I really want to do and not worry about what my parents think is the best decision or the right choice. School has also changed. I love my classes, my professors are wonderful, but the actual academics are a good deal harder. I went to a 5A school taking all honors classes, and everyone told me how the hard academics I was in then would make UT a breeze. Wroooong. I'm going to pull through, I'm determined. I love where I am.
Well. Actually, I don not know what should I write down here. I think that this can be a very easy assignment, or this can be a very hard assignment. How stupid! Honestly, today, I asked about it to a TA because I could not totally understand what should I do? I knew that there is no topic, but no topic can mean the huge categories. Anyway, this assignment made me confused. But, interestingly, a American student asked about what she should do for the assignment in the today's class. At that time, I thought two. One is that there is also a person who do not understand the purpose of this assignment like me. And. the other is that "Oh, my god! Don't ask me. Don't ask me. Because I am an international student who came here in America a month ago. So. I am not good at listening to what people say yet, especially in the casual conversation. You know, young American university students talk so fast. Hum~~~ it is a big problem. So, I made her ask the same question three times, and finally, I could tell her what she should do for this assignment. How stupid!! Now. I am in a big dilemma. I have a difficulty keeping up with classes now, but I feel happy and can relax when I meet friends and drink with them. But, I have to study. So, I thought that now, I have to meet lots of friends to learn English instead of only studying in the library to keep up with classes. I thinks it is a great excuse to play. But, what is the priority for me?? Meeting friends to learn English and American culture? Or studying hard to keep up with all classes with no meeting others?? So difficult!! However, I suddenly wonder. Can I deal with both of them perfectly. . . . ?? So confused. Wow, time is almost over. but, I do not much. 36. 37. 38. . . 44. Ok! I have to finish this~~!!
It started out kind of good because school hadn't started. All I had to worry about was relaxing, working out, and enjoying life. Now, another variable, school, has been injected into the equation. I realize that it is a necessary evil because without it, I can never advance in life. Hopefully, one day I can work only when I want to work. Until then I will try to make the best of my life and enjoy every day like it was my last. You know, I should start my mission statement right now. I have also been wanting to put together a compilation of my own philosophies so that I would have a road map to live my life. I wish it were that easy. Anyway, here I am revealing how my mind works. It is kind of like a release to me. I should do this more often.       Recently, I have been thinking a great deal about my own shortcomings. These include my limited ability to speak, my limited athletic ability, and my the fact that I am not as charming and smooth as I want to be. Part of me wants to admit these shortcomings and accept it. The other part of me says I should always keep a positive outlook and refuse to accept these traits. I am at a point in my life where I don't know if I can ever fully improve this. As much as I would like to, it seems that I have hit a plateau and maximized my potential. But I guess I have to keep hope.     Moving on to other subjects, I wonder if I will ever find a woman to spend  the rest of my life with. Relationships require so much work, more than I may be willing to put in. This bothers me because I don't want to be 60 years old and lonely. Sometimes I realize that having faults, emotions and feelings is part of the price I have to pay for being a human.
I wonder if he is thinking of me????  I am glad I am finally getting this done cause there is no need for procrastination now. I need to do all this as soon as I get it. I had done this before but I could not submit it. I have something special with Alex and I know how he feels and he is different. he isn't like all other guys he is innocent and pure and he would not hurt me. I hope not to hurt him. I need him and need someone like that. someone to take care of me and to be there for me if I need to  talk someone to talk to me and someone that I can take care of and love too. he is perfect in my eyes and although he might not know that he is he is wonderful. he will never know I guess. he is there for me when I most needed him. he has held me when I cried and has made me laugh when I was sad/  I owe a lot to him. we have spent a lot of time together and it has been really fun. I wonder if he knows how much fun I have had with him. I don't think he understands. I am going through a hard time and I am going through a big transition, but I think I am doing fairly well. I have not cried much. my roommate went home this weekend and I felt kind of lonely cause we are used to going places together and it felt weird to  come home and be alone and not have someone to talk to or even argue with. we had gotten into an argument before this weekend and the time that we were apart really helped us understand each other. we are okay now. my exboyfriend has given me a hard time too. I don't want to be with him anymore, yet he still persists. he know that I am dating Alex and that it is over between us yet he still calls and he still asks questions like where were you and who were you with. I want to get away from that I am tired of having to answer questions about my own life. I want to be free and to be able to do what I want and that I think is right not what other people think I should do. it isn't fair to me  if I have to make someone else happy before I could do things for my own freedom. it important to be free because without freedom a person is not happy or simply can't be an individual. there are many things to do here in Austin and many many people to meet and make friends with. I have had a good time so far and I have enjoyed going to class and learning. although I do think that I should read a little more. I will be fine though. Claudia and Alex will be there if I need anything.
A lot of things to do. What is that smell? People keep talk to me while trying to finish this. what time is it? I have to finish my project before 5:00. Clicking of the keys. don't have time to finish everything. What is that beeping sound. Telephone ringing, someone answer the phone or stop calling. Maybe people just don't want to talk. You would think people would get the idea that no ones home after they let the phone ring 50 million times. Got to get to class. I don't care if the thing is wrong. I just need to be alone to finish my things. Mother walks in and out of the room. Josh keeps trying to find the cats. Can't hear what is happening on the TV in the other room. Candy, I want some. Don't eat them all. I haven't had one. how much longer do I have. Oh, it is also time for me to leave. 12  o'clock p. m. "  Is that clock fast. Josh keeps walking up and down the hall. Sit still. Only a few more minutes. I need to call Emily back. It been a while since I talk to her. Have no time to talk. I hope she is not mad at me for it. We need to get together and do something. I need to finish that project if only this would go a little faster. That would nice if I could all my stuff in time. Time should just stand still and let me catch up with everything. That is so funny a poodle coat dyed pink. That must catch everyone's eye when they are walking on the street. Who would dye the dog coat a different actually I think I would but not  pink too showy.
As I sit here in my dorm room, I am thinking about what I am supposed to do tonight. I have signed with the fraternity Sigma Alpha Mu and I am not sure what pledging is going to be like. It could be tough and it could be easy. My roommate is here and he is going to take a nap so I need to try to be quiet as I type. I am kind of anxious about this year and what the year will be like. There are so many people here and I am not sure whether I am fitting in well or not. Anyway, I get side tracked easily. I am going to the house at 7 PM and there we are going to be introduced to all the older guys and then we will probably introduce ourselves to the rest of the pledge class. I am anxious to meet all the cool guys who I am going to be spending the rest of my life with in college and hopefully there after also. I miss all my close friends at home. I live in Atlanta Georgia and they are mostly going to UGA but some of them are spread out across the country. I miss my friend Pamela the most and my best friend Michael the 2nd most but hey I hope they come and visit but if they don't oh well. My mom worries me cause she thinks I am doing alot of bad thing s here at school but really Im not and I am being a good kid and trying to make good grades. I miss my little brother too. he is 13 years old and he is in 8th grade. I hope that he is having fun in junior high school cause I know I did. I keep telling him that high school is the best time of your life. He believes me but he cannot wait until next year when he can go to high school. My great grandmother is very sick and she is 97 years old. I went to visit her the day before I left for school and I was thinking that I may never see her again. She has lived a long and happy life and whenever the time comes, I know that god was the one who wanted her up there. M<y roommate is going to nap now for real and I am supposed to wake him up in an hour. I hope Im not still typing by then. The room is quiet now and I am the only one still making noise. My suite mates are all out at class and they will be back soon. I kind of always think about what I am going to be when I get older and when I am married and who am I going to marry and what my profession is going to be. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon but that is very hard to be and I am not sure if I can be that. But I set my goals already and that is my destiny for my future. I want to be successful and have a family of 4 and a nice looking, perfect wife who loves me for who I am not for what I look like or how much money I make. I am ending my stories with a quote :Shoot for the moon cause if you miss you will be amongst the stars.
I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt-kicking' contest!  I heard some statistic about how much college kids watch TV and I can honestly say that the only TV I've watched since I've been here is the football game because I haven't had enough time. I have a job, I'm in air force ROTC, I'm in a fraternity, and I'm on a couple intramural football teams. I have all of this to do after studying and doing homework. I don't think that I feel really stressed about anything, of course no grades have come out yet, but physically its very demanding. One day in ROTC  I threw up 4 times as a result of probably being out of shape, but for the next week I just felt sick to my stomach. Some of that might have something to do with the food in jester being the greasiest, most repetitive food I've ever eaten. Also, I've lost 10 pounds since I've been here which disturbs me cause I used to work out every day and it sucks now that I can't. Another subject that is scaring me is money. My parents pay for college, but I didn't realize how much id already be spending. My dad always told me to limit myself to a monthly budget, but of course I didn't listen to his advice and now I might be paying for it. literally. My class load isn't that bad except for calculus. This damn class is kicking my ass. first of all, my professor doesn't speak English very well, but sometimes that doesn't even matter because in a class of 150 students he refuses to wear a microphone or even speak up so that anyone beyond the first three rows can hear him. And when we can hear him he speaks in some sort of math language so that when I take notes I'm sure that when I look at them later I will of thought that they were notes from some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics class or something. So classes are going well!, now socially I have been having lots of fun. I've been lucky enough to meet a lot of girls but not smart enough to not date so many. I'm pretty sure I have a problem of leading girls on. For example there is this one girl who I've been hanging out with who I think ones to get a little more serious with me. Now I'm just a freshman and I don't want to get serious with anyone yet!  But if I try to conspicuously avoid her (I still call and am nice to her, I just don't go to her house or anything) she, like most girls, pick up on that almost instantaneously, then she tries to make me feel guilty for say not coming to see her or something. Along with that there are some other girls who I've been talking to or seeing at parties. I guess you could say that I've been casually dating around, but next week there is this huge party and I'm really looking forward to it, but not to the awkward feeling of seeing all of these girls together at the same time because I'm sure all of them are going to be there. oh well!! I still love college.
As I walk down the middle of campus with thousands of people rushing by me on their way to class, I feel like a star in the huge night sky. With so many stars scattered throughout the sky, I seem to go unnoticed and lost. This is a feeling that I have seldom felt. As an allstar volleyball player, the student council vice president, and the homecoming queen I have always been one of the brightest stars. Just a month ago, I seemed to have my entire world in order and what seemed to me perfection. I now feel lonely and intimidated as I embark on this new phase in my life. I feel like I no longer have control, and perfection seems harder to achieve than ever. Knowing that if I do not obtain a B in Chemistry 313, my dreams of becoming a nurse are next to impossible. Can my life long dreams honestly be shattered by one college course? As I search for answers, I question whether or not I made the right decision to choose to attend the University of Texas, or if I'm even college material at all. What am I saying? Going to college was never an option for me. I want a good life for my family and I, and I've always dreamed of becoming a nurse and helping those who need me. My parents have always taught me to do my best and work towards my dreams, but words are often easier said than done. However, I could not have made it through my first week at the university if not for the love and support I have received from my family. Throughout my life, I would probably have to credit at least fifty percent of my accomplishments to my family, because they are my strong hold. Though I regard them so highly, I also feel that in this instance they are somewhat of my downfall. The transition to college would not be such a struggle for me if my ties to my family and friends that I have left behind were not so great. It is incredibly hard for me to accept change, because I accept my surroundings and others and become comfortable with them and do not want to leave my comfort zone. I feel that this is somewhat peculiar because I realize that even if I was to remain the same, with the same friends and circumstances, the world and people around me would continue to change and grow and expand. Eventually I would be left behind. As I work to achieve and to be the best I can be, I hope that along the way I will find the happy, positive person that I once was and know I still am.
At this present, I am feeling a lot of stress. I don't know why. There is so much going through my head right now, that I sometimes get confused. Maybe I'm just worrying about my grades and how my four years will come along at UT. I am concentrating at this screen, but feel kind of dazed and a little lonely. Come on now, hurry up and get through this. I am very strict on myself when it comes to following through with things. A few days ago, I took a quiz in my Bio 211 class. I don't think I did very well on it, and it's still nagging on me like an itch on my back that I can't reach. I have very high expectations of myself. I guess that's because of the way I was brought up, and the way I handled myself through my other years of schooling. In my high school, I was second in my class. I was that type of person who always had to get straight A's. Making a B was absolutely unacceptable in my mind. This had nothing to do with my mom. She really doesn't care what I get. I and only I brought on this extreme pressure that I put on myself. I guess if you're in a habit of always making good grades, it's a habit that's very hard to break. That is how I come to terms with my behavior and attitude towards work. I hate feeling awkward. I am very selfconscious. I don't know if it has to do with me being very shy, or what, but I get nervous easily. Sometimes I feel everyone is looking at me waiting for me to make a mistake. This happens to me wherever I go. Well, I'm getting a little tired and my head is starting to hurt. Maybe it's because I've been staring at this screen already for about ten minutes straight. I don't know. About my opinions about UT: I think it's a good school. The only complaint I have is the heat. It is very hot here. I don't remember it being this hot in Houston. I always wonder when the next cool day will come. When I first came here, I felt pretty homesick. Everything was new to me, and when I thought of the new responsibilities that I would have to grasp during the next four years, that really made me sweat. Not literally, but you get the idea. Now, I'm feeling pretty good. I am a very detailed oriented person. I write everything on lists, which includes my shortterm goals, my longterm goals. Everything. And every time I think of something else that I have to do in the near or distant future, I put in on a sheet of paper. I am really nervous about my future. I hope I will live beyond the expectations I have placed upon myself. I am really getting stressed out just thinking about it right now. My head feels like it's filled with cement at this moment. I got to relax and not take the mistakes I make too seriously. I am always serious. I am not a flamboyant person. Well, my twenty minutes are up now. Time to study.
I survived . . so far. I think I'll do alright in college. I was thinking today that maybe I should have gone to UTA. Oh well. I met people from Nolan today. It was great. I don't think I've said it enough but I LOVE "Beautiful Thing"!!  It's a great movie. I know I saw Blake's name today on a sewer lid, and I wasn't being paranoid. I really should talk to Kent soon. I miss him. I was on the verge of tears telling the psychologist about Blake, Amanda, and Millwood. It still hurts. I'm afrain not to take my meds. I can't wait to fall in love. Sometimes though I get very scared that I might mess someone else's life like mine. I have quite a bit of baggage and I'm not sure if anyone will go through. I miss Amanda. Damn allergies just hit me today. Peppermint Foot Lotion. Abuelita Cuca . . I wonder how she's doing. Renata & Seehum were so cute. "I'm going to make it afterall!"  My frog makes a good pillow. I can't wait to see Kate. She left for Rome yesterday. I realized today I don't care what I do later in life as long as I have kids, friends, a nice house, and someone who'll always love me and be there when I die. Am I going to Hell?  I still don't know. Mr. Rist would say I'm as good as damned now. Dying has so much stress attached to it. Maybe that's why I could never go through with it. I know that if I went back to a place like Millwood I'd give up and stay there forever or at least a month or two. I wouldn't care at all this time. I don't dream very much anymore. At least I don't remember them. I sleep so well during the day but it's harder at night. It's that damned melotonin crap. Commie Bastards!  Oh well. God I wish my nose would stop dripping. I miss Kate sooooooo much!  God bless her.
Okay, 20 minutes. Hope I can turn this in on time! Blasted software! Need to get my car washed badly. Did so much driving this weekend. It's a good thing it rained though. It's so hot in Austin. Man, I'm a horrible typist. Wonder why I never learned to type? My hamster's munching down! He eats so loud. Wish my snake would eat:( She's only eaten once in 2 1/2 weeks. Need to call Herpethon. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Need to meditate on breath more frequently. Been slacking off on yoga practice. Should finish reading other book. Have to find out when that retreat is and how much it costs. Maybe Ryan would go too. Wonder where Ryan is? How was the concert? Should have gone. Clint got a Harley!? That's sweet. Can't wait to ride it. 8 more minutes. Oh yeah, getting close. Chicaboom Powpow. Ohhhh Yeeaah! Can't believe Donald Glaude spun that track at the party. That shit was phat. He was offthehook! Man that night broke me though. Need to get a job. Bills suck. "Going to take a walk outside today. Going to see what we can find today. " Raffi rules. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Good. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Relax. In. Out. Feel much better now. More energized. Shoulders are tense though. Need to get a massage. Watched Yellow Submarine twice yesterday. Such a great movie. I Love the Beatles. Cartoons rock too. Courtney's boyfriend is an awesome painter. Oop. 21 minutes. Time up