coming to ut has been a pretty crazy experience. my first week here i already felt like i was at home. it wasnt that way at the college i attended previously. that place took my two years to get comfortable. i think it has something to do with the fact that i have grown friendlier to most people. the one exception is my roommate drew. i don't know why we arent best friends, but i think it has a lot to do wiht the fact that we come from two entirely distinct backgrounds. he was the son of a cop, whos prents got divorced, and i was the son of a librarian, who parents always talked about getting divorced. also, here women seem to enjoy my preasance more, i think that has a lot to do with my radical overhaul of my diet and exercise routine. one girl in particular is named vanessa. she is an entirely charming girl, with a body to die for, but i don't know.  how do we trully know we found the right one, is it that divine spark that fills our soul thew first time we lay eyes on a person or is it a familiarity that stems from shared time with someone that eventually turns to amore?  unfortunantly i was cursed with finding love at frist sight with my fist girl friend. but being as young as we were, i cnat help but think what would hve happened if we would have met later. on this subject i have often wondered about my parents, i have a vague notion that theirs was a marraige of convience. i overheard one day that the last time they had sex was the night i was concieved?!?!!??! i don't now what that means, just came up. this i think is the point of life. the wondering, lust filled age we are in now, followed by silent impotent contemplation. no wonder why all people in power are old and white. they don't have the drive in their hearts to find romantic ideals the way youth does. in a sense i think i am an idealist. i like to see the glass as half full, but usually only with people i care about. this deals alot with social conciense. what a terrible thing to have. all of us who are educated are confronted evertday with the absurdities of our goals. i want to have a nice house and car for my family and i want to help the world. but would i accept lesser for those i love to compensate those i do not know?!?!?!  off course not, yet high minded individuals lambast me when they are doing the exact smae thing. so in the end what does one do, pursue their own intersts or bang ones head against the system. i think it has to be a mixure of the two. because the more one knows, the more one knows that nothing in this world is blakc and white. tragis heroes are made from this assumption. we see how they are commended for making the right choice and getting awarded for it. but seldom do we see all the others who struggle to make the moraly right choice and are punished incesantly. growing up poor i saw this all around me,  many of the poeple i know cannot afford to make the right descision. i myself have chosen to get a college eduction rather than have medical insurance. really in the last 10 years i have done a lot rather than have medical insurance, namely eating, having clothes, and living life. all this ties into the idea that there are not racial barriers anymore, but class barriers that are divided by check books. thats not to sya that the overwhelming majority of poor are not minority, but only looking at color doesnt diagnose the true problem,  money.