I just had lunch, they actually had good cookies at the dobie cafeteria today. i'm really happy i found out that masha lives in dobie too, she kind of bothered me in high school, but i think i might like her now better than almost anyone i met. she's very sincere. i've been more happy than ever since i've been at ut only because i'm on my own. i feel no sense of homesickness at all, like most people are talking about, i'm the way i like myself without my mother who drives me crazy. i don't understand sometimes how in the world we're related. someone just came in. i love that feeling when you feel like your stuffed animals have personalities, the two dogs on my bed could easily be taken for real ones, well kind of, if one of them wasn't blue, maybe. but not really. alex and arif came by last night, two of my good friends from high school, it made me really happy; i was literally bouncing off the walls because i thought it was nice that they just came by unannounced; i don't know why it surprises me because i know they care about me, but when people i care about do something nice; it kind of surprises me. i could never keep a diary, i absolutely love writing more than anything in the world. i want to become a writer, but i always start with something and never finish or am honestly too lazy and that pisses me off a whole lot. i love it and i want to do it, but i don't know why i won't just do it. but diaries drove me crazy; i found myself being fake in them, i think it's easier to show your true self through other words rather than blatently posting,   i'm writing this about myself to understand myself   it doesn't work like that for me. you can see the real me through other writing i think . i downloaded this song called   forever   by ben harper. it is so good; it has the sweetest melody. it's very wierd; i sometimes write poems and just little phrases and i've noticed i use the color blue a lot. like the ocean is blue and once a poem about my parent's divorce and i used something about a blue world or something; i don't know where it comes from. my mother really drives me insane. her friends were in this past saturday and they came back amazed at my independence, how i looked, acted, just my persona and everything and they weren't like that  before about me. and i know that i do seem a little different; like a relief has been lifted off of me ; it's great. i like the person that i am. i spent too much time babying my mother, making sure i didn't say something to offend her or be upset because she was being ridiculous. and she told me how they though all of this and said it in such a way as to take credit for my development and for me being the way i am, sounding great and all. and i just wanted to scream that it is the opposite; it's only because she's not around. she can't seem to figure anything out for herself like that; she thinks she understands so much, but she doesn't at all and i think deep inside she knows she doesn't get it, but it just makes her feel better about herself to think that she understands it all, whatever it may be, just that she's in control, otherwise she wouldn't not let me stay out after ten some nights when all i did was go to a mmovie with my friends; she just does it to be in control and i wish she would see that she's only pushing me away and she already has; i don't think we will ever have a great relationship, not if she tries to understand me and herself. i just wish she could at least understand herself first. i don't want to be like her when i get older and that's partly why i don't want to agree with her on anything because by doing what she thinks she became the person she is and i don't want to be that person. that's sad and i don't like it, but it's just the way i think it is. i really want to go dancing. a song is playing that's called   just dance   and i want to do just that.