SO before I started writing this, I was eating some Reese's cereal. This cereal is so good. It tastes like chocolate and peanut butter and the best part about it is that it is a cereal and that means it's not that fattening. That's always good. But since I ate that, I'm kind of thirsty. Basically, right now all I want is some water. And that's kind of not letting me think about anything else. I'm also thinking about last night. I'm not sure if this guy likes me or not but he keeps leaving subtle hints about it but he flirts with a lot of girls so I'm not sure what to think about it. And I'm still not quite over someone else so I don't know what to do. But it's kind of something that gives you acceptance into a crowd of people. Especially snotty people like indians tend to be initially. which sucks. I wanted to come to UT to have some indian friends but this whole process of struggling to fit in is really hard. And like we learned in class, this is definitely a down time for me. I really miss my family. I wonder what they're doing in california right now. I'm sure dad is at work but mom must be so lonely without her daughters and her friends and her work. I hope she isn't sad and is finding something to do with her time. My mom is the most wonderful person in the world. She sacrifices everything for us. I mean, my parents sent me to UT despite all our financial hardships. That is so nice of them to do that and slightly selfish on my part. But I think I will be happy here once everything becomes a lil routine and I meet all the people I'm going to meet. At first, it seemed like I'd never meet anyone and I was really depressed about that too. I'm still really hungry. And I definitely need some lunch. I really don't want to go to Calculus today. I'm kind of tired of not feeling like the smart person anymore like I was in high school. This is definitely a rude awakening. Which is not fun. I'm definitely a worrier like the girl said who read my hand yesterday. I worry about everything. I worry about not doing good in college which means not a good job which means all in all. disappointing my parents. That's the saddest thing for me because all I want to do is make them happy. Also, I have to do good so I can stay here. And I can already see that I will NOT want to transfer to another school after this year. especially after I join KPhiG. Those girls are so innocent it's insane. It makes me feel almost like I know too much or something and I don't like that. I guess that's why you should save yourself for the right person so you don't have to feel that way in an extreme way. which thankfully I haven't done. But now I know ankur did. I can't believe he did. I guess I really don't know him like he says I don't. I wonder what he really thinks though? I mean. I think he used to like me but I guess he just sees me in a friend light now. Maybe he never even did like me and he just liked to talk to me when we were younger. But how do you lie that to much to a girl in e-mails and everything? I guess its possible if you can stay wtih a mentally incapacitated girl for over a year. He is just such a nice guy and I guess it was one of those childhood or actually teeny bopper fantasies of being with your first serious crush forever. Or even it might have had to do with the fact that ankur was the first indian guy I had been wtih and like that is a HUGE deal because there were no indians in south carolina AND I really want to marry an indian too. Either I'm marrying an indian or I don't get married at all because no other race can understand us. I mean yesterday at our sisterhood party. there were talking about how much hair indian girls have on their body. That is so awesome. no one but an indian girl can understand the strife of that. IT was something that dominated my thoughts for YEARS when I was growing up. And I didn't have any indian friends to share it with and now I can finally relate to girls. I think that is the primary reason I want to join kphig and plus it adds to the acceptance factor and you have immediate friends which is awesome. That's definitely work done for you. Sometimes I wonder if dilen's happy. He sometimes seems a lil down but I guess he is happy hanging out with white people cause he doesn't fit in well with indian people. It still makes me upset though to think that he has to face comments of him being gay. I just don't see it and he is not gay so people need to just calm down and realize not everyone who likes shopping and is weird around girls is gay.