ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Ok, I guess I should be typing, that clock is making me kind of nervous. Well, whatever, I just saw my roommate, I really didn't know she was going to be here. I feel really nervous, I don't know why. Oh yeah, I really need to work on my first paper for my English class. I hope I get a good grade, because when I work on it, I feel as if it should be harder that what it actually is. Gosh, my math class really sucked today. I did not understand a word she was saying, but that's ok, because so did the rest of the class. I wonder what my mom is doing, oh and my dogs too. I really miss them. Even though my dog hates me and is kind of crazy, I miss him so much. 6 minutes, that's it! It feels as if I've been typing forever. Before I forget I need to talk to Daisy today, man that girl is so crazy. I also got to talk to Lillian, just to see how her day went. Napoleon was being so funny last night, I really like talking to him at night, even though we talked until like midnight. I wonder what kind of music that guy is going to play in my psychology class. He usually plays weird music, today it's going to have to do with the brain, that'll be interesting, I suppose. I hope I'm doing this right. Who ever reads this, if it's ever actually read, will probably think it was lame. Oh, well. You're also going to find plenty of mistakes, opps my bad. Gosh, that sounded like a line out of that movie: Clueless. I feel clueless a lot, so that's ok. I can't wait to go to sleep, that's one of my favorite things to do ever since school started. This past 3-day weekend was great because I got to wake up so late and just hang around my dorm with my roommate. She's cool. I'm so glad I get along with my roommate, because I've been hearing some roommate horror stories lately, I guess I lucked out. Wow, I've been writing for 16 minutes! I guess it was harder to get started. I wonder if the people around me think I'm writing like this really long email to someone. they're probably thinking I'm a loser, ha-ha. that's kind of funny to think about. Daisy is probably talking to her internet boyfriend right now at a computer on campus. Her boyfriend is so funny. Some girl just sat next to me, I hope she doesn't read this. I don't know what else to say, my time is almost out. Ahhhh! I wonder if anyone is actually going to read this. Well my time is up, it was great, but I've got to print out my biology lecture.
college is perhaps the most unstructed, yet the most structured enviornment I have yet to face. Vague, vague, it's all vague, yet so remarkably specific. I can't help but thing about what I'm going to say next. I'm engaged in an activity, that's how I work. When I'm doing something, I try to do it with the most focus I can. To simply do it with no thought is, to me, a waste of mind. Back to college, I'm still trying to convince myself that I had no choice. Had I given myself the option, I would be a music major, but I didn't do what I had to do. I slacked off on my music, a thing I can never forgive myself for. Sure, in that time, I managed to develop my other skills in school, but what a becauset. I played viola for seven years to major in chemistry. Sure, some may say that just having played is enough, but for me, to not bring about one's work to full potential is not worth anything. I hope I go through with chemistry, then at least I can say I stuck with something. Listening to music right now, I think that perhaps I could have achieved that; maybe I still can, but it seems to far right now. at least the food is good, and my roommate is a nice person. I guess college will just be a test of how much I want to make a good life for myself. it's my brother; I'm so glad to talk to him; I had to leave him in the middle of the hardest part of his life (middle school); he was really used to having me there, but it seems like he's adapting fine. I hated my middle school years. The kids we mean and the teachers we less than happy to help out a shy little guy like I was. thankfully, high school was much better. College seems like it will be full of wonderful interaction, but I wonder how much interaction I'll be able to stand. I'm the kind of person who likes other people, but who also sees them as a distraction most of the time. and they always seem to distract when you don't want them to and disappear when you want company. I'll never figure people out. Well, this has been a lot of uncohesive thought, but I guess that's the whole point. adieu and farwell
I have so many things going on in my life right now. Pat Wedge, the cheerleading coach, called me yesterday and invited me to come and work out with the squad. I do not know if I am ready to cheer this semester. Right now my biggest concern is my grades. I am going into am interview on Wednesday with romie, from K-Hall agency, I love to model and I hope my career will progress in Austin. Then today I called thr director over the Miss Austin paegent, she is going to mail me information to compete in the paegent in Feburary. All of this adds on to my never ending stress. I guess you can say "I do not like to put all my eggs in one basket", at least my mom tells me that. I like to try everything life has to offer, so I will fill satisfied. Besides all my extraciricular activities, I feel a little empty. Being a freshman I am having to deal with moving away from my family and starting a new life on my own. I finally knew I was grown up when I got my first phone bill! I really enjoy Austin, it has so many things to offer. My mom misses me, we were very close. On sunday I met her in Temple and we talked. My feelings are very strong, but I know how to deal with them. I have had many obsticals in my life and I had to learn from my mistakes. I think in the long run I would not change my past. It made me grow up a lot quicker. I also feel in more mature for my age than other freshman, because of my past expirences. I can not wait to see what the future holds for me. I guess you can say I get really excited about life, because there are so many directions god has allowed me to go. I will just let him guide me, and I know I will be happy and sucessful.
Going off to college for me was the chance for a new beginning, a fresh start. A makeover. All the things I disliked about myself could be fixed. Or so I hoped. Unfortunately, the thing about myself that I hate the most and has plagued me for so many years has managed to follow me here as well despite my efforts to escape it and start over. GERD. It hurts my relationships with others as well as myself physically. I thought that the gross puking that occurs after I eat too much would magically disappear when I became a healthy college student. But it hasn't and now my roommates are on to me. But I'm not supposed to know. Instead I just get to imagine what awful things they are thinking of me and know that every time I put food in my mouth they think I'll throw it up. And they don't even know because they haven't even asked me about it. They just speculate and have apparently come to the conclusion that I'm bulimic. Which I'm not. Yes, I have a problem that I need to take control of. But I don't appreciate the way they're going about the whole thing. My roommate, who has known me for the past three years and is aware of my condition, could actually believe them. And she didn't even ask me. Instead, she picks up the phone and calls my boyfriend. I'm going to see him tomorrow and I was so excited but now I have to deal with this. She has to go worrying him like this. But he won't worry. My loving, caring boyfriend will instead contemplate breaking up with me. He won't have anything to do with a bulimic girl  and I'm not one. I really care about him. He's my best friend. I miss him so much. I just always fear that my problems will drive him away. I wish I were more confidant and more everything. But I can't help the way I feel or the way I am. And I really need him. He makes me so much happier and healthier. But I'm not as dependent as I sound. I really had no idea how much he meant to me until I left him. And I'm always afraid that he won't feel the same. I know that we'll break up eventually, but I hope he's right about us always being friends. That is so important to me. And maybe one day we'll find out that we're meant for each other. I do believe that there is one special person that I'm supposed to marry. God has a plan for my life. But I am totally clueless as to what it is. And you know I'll never know if I don't invest any time in Him. I need to get my life in order the way I planned to the day I moved off to college.
As I write my first writing assignment, I can't help but notice the time: 5:55pm. As usual, my radio is on. It only takes away the silence in my apartment. Blank. My head is blank. Empty. With nothing to say or write about. This has never been a problem before. In high school, there was never silence. Maybe I was always too busy to hear the silence. Now, it's a part of my life. At certain times last year, I could hear it. Weird, seeing how it was my freshman year in college. This year is my second year and I seem to hear nothing but silence. I am still involved in the same activities as last year. Perhaps, it's a sign that I'm finally growing up. Another weird concept. I am thinking that I like silence. Deep down, I do believe that I am a loner. In high school, who would have thought? A loner should be lonely, right? But I am not lonely nor am I ever bored. I like to do things by myself. I think that's it. I don't need anyone. I don't need companionship nor do I need to be felt needed. Awww. to much of the word, "need". No more. I am happy. I am content. I am selfassured. I told my mom once that I was a loner, but I can't remember what she said. I don't think she even responded to me. Funny thing though. I know I want to be married someday. Now, how would a loner accomplish something like that? I socialize very little these days. My mind is always on school and my studies. I just want that medical acceptance letter in my hands. That is all that counts. Well, not all. My family counts too. They mean more to me than anything. My little brother is here at UT. (he's no longer little anymore) I'm hoping he enjoys his first year. I know I did. So many memories to reminisce. Time: 6:11pm. My goal this semester is: 4. 0 GPA. I really need to bring up my GPA from first year. And my goal next semester is: 4. 0 GPA. My uncle always says, hard work will always be paid off in the end. Consistency + Confidence = Success. 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0. I hope I can do it. I hope I can do it. I hope I can do it. I know I can do it. I hope I won't be behind in my classes. Especially in that chem. Class. It seems like a really hard class. I can feel those late nighters already. Time: 6:15pm.
My girlfriend just ask me to turn off the CD player and do my work. MTV is on and there is a women and a guy fighting for some reason. My girlfriend is now munching with her mouth wide open. Im attempting to make Baked Potatoes but I think that they are going to burn. I went shopping to day for food and believe or not this was the cheapest trip yet. I think its because my so called girlfriend thinks that I  am thinnely challenge. . I'm trying to figure other things to write about but nothing is coming to mind. My girlfriend is still stuffing her face with frito scoops. I don't understand how she can eat just as much as I do yet she has the body of a swim suit model. Her Metabolism must be skyrocketing. My train of thought is fading again. Lets get back on track again. It is 9:22 PM and dinner is almost serve because my lover is about to feed me like a king. I trying to type as fast as I can with out a mistake. My girlfriend just ask if she could read mine yet I really don't want her to. she probably yell at me and call me an idiot. She is now eating her food in front of me and she spilt her ranch dressing all over her new shoes. (Reebok DMX)  her baked potato looks so good right now with bacos and cheese and  I think sour cream or it may be butter. I cant really get a good look at it!!!   I'm a soph fixing to be a junior and my girlfriend is a freshmen. Yet , I'm taking classes that she's in!!!  I feel stupid the thing is she is so smart. She was valedictorian of her class. Her major is biology and mine is Kinesiology. I'm studying to be a physical therapist and she wants to save the world by saving the rain forest and finding cures for all diseases. I just transferred in from ACC this semester and while I was there I took most of my basic except math and science classes. She placed out of some of  her classes. Do you see what I'm getting at. I feel insecure sometimes about my intelligence. I know I can do anything I want I just wished I would of took advantage of it when I was younger. My life would be alot better if I had just did my work when from the start. My freshman year I took 18 hrs. and dropped 15 of them. Sounds stupid huh I think working at a club  until 5 and sometimes 6 in the morning had some affect on it. My last semester at ACC I pulled a 3. 5 and this year I plan on getting a 4. 0 just to prove to myself and others that I can compete with the best of them.
It's cold in here. I need to sleep. I'm missing my best friend. One more class until the day is over. Some time to myself. My head hurts. I need to study. My long distance phone bill will drive my mom nuts. I miss my boyfriend. He's so far away. One more month until I see him again. I need to make a phone call. Should I listen to what they say. I'm all alone. Finally. I'm sore. When will this week end? I had a conversation. Did he think I was dense? Should I tell Jacob? He shouldn't be jealous. What have I left behind? What lies ahead? There's something in my eye. I hate wearing contact lenses. When will my brother call? I smell like Listerine. I spilled it on the floor of my dorm. I wonder if my roomate noticed. Is she there right now? Did anyone call? Should I call home? I haven't called my mother. Is Joshua here? What about Joanna? What about Lilia? Are they here? Will I see them? I'm still cold. I want to go to bed. I should eat something right now. Nevermind, maybe later. What should I do tommorow? The day's almost over. One more class to go. Journalism should be fun. Hope I don't fall asleep. Why did her alarm go off so early this morning? Why didn't she let me sleep? I'm quiet when she's asleep. I don't throw my stuff around. Why did she make so much noise? Why couldn't I sleep last night? What woke me up? Why was I so scared? Will I be able to sleep tonight? I wonder what she thinks of me? Is she annoyed that I'm always on the phone? Does it bother her that I'm so quiet. I'm studying whenever she gets in. Does she think that's all I do? Is that good or bad? Will we get along? Has she said anything to her friends about me? Do I bother her when she's studying? Does she think she bothers me? It is so cold in here. I can't feel my fingers anymore. What are we going to talk about in journalism? I hope it doesn't rain tonight. I can't sleep when it rains. I wonder if it rained at home. Has anyone tried to call me? Has anyone e-mailed me? Did I take good notes in class? Why am I so tired? I wonder what Jacob is doing right now. Maybe I should call him. I have to go upstairs and get my book. I'm used to being alone. Talking to him gives me a reason to smile. He brightens my day. I hope they win on Friday. I need to get a job. I don't have any money. My phone bill is already too much. I've just been here a week. Every night I spend two hours on the phone. I wonder how much it is going to be. My legs hurt. I need to run some more. Maybe three miles tommorow. There's still something in my eye. It hurts a lot. The computers won't print in here. I'll probably be back later. I'll bring a sweater next time. I wonder how the band is doing back home. Are they outside practicing right now? Why hasn't Laura answered my e-mail? Is she too busy? I can't believe I gave that guy my phone number? What was his name again? He was really funny. I needed to talk to someone. Should I tell Jacob? He'll get mad. I know he will. He'll get mad and just not tell me. Its really cold in here. I want to go upstairs.
i'm thinking about how if i do this all the way through, i'll be late   in meeting my girlfriend because i still have to shower and change.  my clothes are in the dryer, getting wrinkle free because i'm too lazy   to iron them. i'm thinking about last night and how leah and ia have   been having some weird moments lately, but i think that i can   attribute them mostly to stress. yesterday in dr. boetcher's office, she   mentioned dana and him being the one that leah was dating. cat's   out of the bag. i know, of course, and i've known for a while, but still   to hear someone else say it. i wonder why she never told me right   out that dana was her ex? its not like i'm stupid and i wouldn't put it   together. alicia is IMing me. . i haven't talke to her in a while. i   wonder how her friend fran is. she was cute. alicia says that she's   well and that NT hasn't changed. i don't miss it. or denton, really,   which makes me wonder why i'm going back there this weekend to   visit. i guess i just miss the people, but somehow i suspect that it   will be weird to see them. to be so removed from them for months,   it will all feel alien to me. i can't imagine myself there anymore. and   teaching today. . ugh. i'm not really looking forward to it. i'm afraid that   i won't remember my shit, that i won't be able to help these kids,   which is what i'm getting paid to do. its kind of silly to worry though,   after being surrounded by math and science for the past two years, i   hope that i'll remember something. and i'm hungry. it weird seeing   tamsters around school. its almost like they shouldn't be here. like   when you see random people in a dream that creep you out   because they don't seem like they should be allowed to invade your   mind. i'm not used to all this reading in school. i wish i had a   snickers. i'm used to math homework and bs like that, not actually   having to read and digest stuff like that. i like it, just not used to it. i   need to shower. i'm worried that i won't be able to finish this.
As I sit here trying to think of something to say, my mind is completely blank. This kind of thing always happens when I am trying to write. I guess the only thing on my mind right now is whether or not I am going to make it at such a big school like UT. I have to walk a lot and the studying is sometimes hard. I am a music major a the time, but I really hate it. I think it is a worthless major. It's too much work for nothing. Music majors don't make ANY money. I think that a big part of going to college is learning how to make money. I guess if I was really devoted to playing the piano money really wouldn't matter to me, but I couldn't see myself sitting on my ass playing the piano the rest of my life. I really want to do something exciting. Another thing that is bothering me right now is the fact that I go to school 16 hours a week and I am only getting credit for 12. That's four hours I am not getting credit for. All of which are of course music classes. I only get 3 hours for a 5 hour Musicianship class and I only get 1 hour for a 3 hour ensemble class. I really like it here, but I miss my friends back home. I think it is going to be weird seeing them again during thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to know how their schools are and if they have been to any good parities or if they have made many friends. One thing about going to UT is that it is hard to make friends here because there are so many people. I  have, though, made friends with many people that I live with along with some people in my classes. I went to a pretty cool concert this weekend. I went with some of my friends that are still in high school. I miss hanging out with them. It was like old times again. I went with my old boyfriend and all of his friends. I was the only girl as always but that's what I'm used to. I guess I have to keep my attention on what I am doing here though. So that I can survive through college. I think my mom is going to be mad because I may have maxed out my phone card, but that is kinda off the subject. My mind wanders like that sometimes. Tamesha is beating up her CD player. She is sitting next to my cursing at her portable CD player. Now she is blowing the dust out of it because she thinks that it might work better if she does that. well my time is up, and just in time too because my mind just went blank again.
My stream of consciousness is being disrupted by several things at this time. My computer has been giving me nothing but continual stress and troubles. First, my computer is a piece of crap. I called a guy to come hook everything up to it and he basically laughed and was unable to figure it out. Then the guy told me to take it to the campus computer store. I carried the entire, heavy hard drive to the store in the heat. While there, everyone I talked to laughed at me. I ate dinner alone, as I usually do since I have not made very many new friends. I have had no sleep because of how many classes I've had to take this semester because of credit hours and retouching courses. I am so stressed out. I just learned that my CDROM drive isn't working so I'm about to cry because now when I go home this weekend I have to convince my parents to fork over a bunch of money they don't have so my computer will be like everyone elses'. My roommates Dad went through and installed everything one can possibly think of so she laughs at my computer problems which makes me feel worse. I miss my home and my dogs and my boyfriend and my friends so much that now I'm crying. All the stress I'm feeling is making me depressed and hungry and tired all the time. Gale, my roommate keeps me up really late at night and then wakes up at 6:30 to put on ALOT of makeup. She is so loud that I want to scream, but instead I keep my mouth shut because it feels like when I open my mouth to say things that might hurt peoples feelings or make them mad I end up losing the close relationship I had with them. So I guess I'm sort of keeping everything inside so that I don't lose any few friends that I made. It seems like everyone makes better grades than me here. I am so scared because I have so many questions about UT but nobody seems to know how to answer them. I knew that moving up here would be a big change, but I thought I could handle it. I know that once I adjust I will grow very strong and independent from this experience, but I feel that I may not be ready. I don't wear makeup for some reason that I have never been able to figure out. I always feel like I need improvement in something. Like with this essay, even though I know the length of it does not matter, I still feel it must be long to be acceptable. When I walk around to my classes I see so many people that they all look the same to me. It is so hot outside when I walk. I'm so thirsty right now that I am going to send this paper so I can get a drink. Then I'm going to call my mother and beg for a computer like everyone else has so I can feel like I fit in more. I won't get it so now I've got to prepare to use Gale's computer all year. My boyfriend is driving up here on Friday to spend the day with me at UT. I wish I had my own apartment so I could get some sleep.