I am sitting at my roommate's desk typing on a computer which does not belong to me in a room that I am still getting used to. "Black Magic Woman" is playing on the radio. I like this song. It reminds me of my mom because she has the record from when she was a Santana fan. The artwork on the cover of the album is really beautiful. There is a red winged creature on the cover and a lot of complex looking designs and a million different colors and stars and growing things. It looks like the night. Today in class I was about to fall asleep. I looked over at Aisha and she was practically dead. I don't think it was because the class wasn't interesting but because it was just the time of day when I feel really tired and I can't really think of anything. When I walk around I feel really relaxed, not at all anxious, and it's kind of pleasant. It reminds me of this boy that works nights, and he would hardly ever sleep and it was kind of nice to be around him because there wasn't a whole lot going on. we would just sit around listening to music or watching things. When he's not tired he talks a lot, and it kind of drives me crazy sometimes. He just talks about cars a lot and how things work and scientific stuff, and he's very passionate about those kind of things. I saw him on Monday and he told me he loved me, and it was so weird. I don't know where that is going. I've known him forever, and I think of him as a person that I can really trust and talk to things about. He reminds me of my father in some ways because my dad always talked a lot sometimes about things that didn't interest me very much but I liked him anyway. I liked how fat he was. It makes me laugh. He was a rather large man and he had really hairy arms like a bear. For some reason I think it's kind of funny to look back on this but maybe it's because I'm kind of tired although I shouldn't be because I've been getting plenty of sleep lately. I wake up in the mornings, and I have this feeling like I just can't wait to get out of the room and walk around, get some fresh air and get out of this little room which I have to share with another person and deal with all her stuff and everything. She's really nice though. I think I might have offended her yesterday because we were talking about Genesis, which we both have to read for our literature class, and I have a lot of questions about what it means and why it's so sacred and important and why God does all the weird stuff that he does in the book. I can't understand why he forbids people to eat the fruit or why he tells people to name their children certain things or why he appears and fights with Jacob. It's pretty messed up if you ask me. How am I supposed to believe in that stuff? It's nuts. I just want to be a good person like my mom. She always helps other people and thinks about others. When my dad was dying, she held everyone together and probably saved me along with everyone else. I don't think I would still be alive without my mom. She's really religious and perfect in most ways. I wish Nathanael were here. He makes me feel better about things most of the time even though he weird me out at times. I wish I could go driving out in the country or even for a walk. I grew up on a farm, and I love open fields and fish and cows and crap like that. It's unfortunate because I can't imagine living anywhere else but in the country even though it is lonely at times. It is so peaceful and beautiful at night. One night Nathanael and I stayed up all night and watched the sun rise. We were sitting on his truck. That was the night before I went to Germany for 3 weeks to visit my best friend who lives there now. I love her so much. She was one of the few people that I ever thought was really like me. She was an incredible artist, and she inspired me to take up drawing and painting. My dad was an artist too. I have one drawing of his on my room at home. He liked to do cartoons and make corny jokes. He was so wonderful with people, and everyone loved him. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if he just walked into the room right now and how I would feel about seeing him after all this time. For I second I feel so excited, but then I realize that it could never happen. It is the most horrible feeling to know that you will never again see someone that you love so much, especially someone that you admired and tried to make yourself like them.