ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
So much needs to be done within the next two days, it seems practically impossible to get it done. I have to write these two essays, redo the entire freaking' pretesting crap just because I completed 79% of it and then when it kicked me off, it didn't even save it although I was informed otherwise. So, frankly, I'm disturbed by a lot of things. I have a journalism test tomorrow morning, which, by the way, I haven't studied for, and tonight I had a presentation for APO, a service organization I would like to join if, in the midst of all this chaos called "college", I can somehow find the time for a decent social life. So this "stream of conscience" theory is going to be more of a "Kelli needs to vent" period, because frankly, that is all that is on my mind. I had a crappy day, and I don't expect writing this will help me all that much, but I'll go ahead and say what happened. Some egotistical freak from the male species grabbed my ass today while I was one of the many cross walks on this large campus. Granted I hyper-extended is wrest, at worst I broke it, I would like to request respect from the gender that so frequently asks the inevitable question "why"  when the finger always points to them!!  It was freaking' hot outside all day, and running from class to class always makes it oh so much cooler!!  And the whole idea of college is running through me now when I have deadlines for tests, papers, and self-indulgent pompous professors who think they know the answer to the world, and what's even scarier than that is that WE pay to wake up at 8 AM to go to their lectures and believe the handfuls of bullshit they try to feed us. (I was making a generalization about the professor part of course, some lectures are actually stimulating. )  To top it off, somewhere in the midst of all of this mumbling jumble of chaotic words, I feel almost depressed tonight. I met a guy at the APO organization meeting mentioned before, and I REALLY like him, and I heard that he was interested, but I haven't seen him in six days, and I honestly think that he could actually calm me from this feeling of intense pressure. If I could just see him I would relax and then take a different view on all the crap that I still have to do. I guess I just need him right now, and the longer I go before I see him again, the more distant and hopeless I feel toward him. I guess you can say I've been lulled into inertia by my subconscience feelings to see him. Anyway, my twenty minutes of rambling has come to an end, so it was great venting and I hope, in some weird way, this has satisfied your requirements and calmed your thoughts and revelations about the stream of conscience in a frustrated, tired, and ticked off college student.
Well, all I have to say is that it is very hot in here. The air conditioner is broken, and beads of sweat are trickling from the back of my neck down into my chair. I hate being hot. I would so much rather be cold than hot. However, I could never live in a really cold environment. Texas is my home. I would have to kill myself if I lived in Michigan or something like that. Just imagine, waking up at 6am to go to work, and having your car door frozen shut. That is my hell. I think the perfect place to live would be California, Southern Florida, or of course Hawaii. I am going to be one of those old people who move to the beach when they retire. My husband will have one of those fishing businesses where he takes tourists out for a fish in the ocean, and I get to laze around the pool all day. My grandchildren will come and visit me, because it will be an easy way for their parents to have some time alone, because every kid loves the beach. Oh the beach. I love the feeling of the sand through my toes. The salty air running over me, the feeling of the water on my feet. I love the ocean. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was little, but then I found out I would have to be good at math and science. and that is DEFINITELY not me. I do love marine life though. I've been to Corpus Christi a few times in the last couple of years, and both times I have dragged my boyfriend to the Texas State Aquarium so I could go and see the animals. especially the sea otters, they're my favorite. I hear the aquarium in Monteray, CA has a bunch of sea otters. I would love to go there. I have only been to California once, and that was just for one night before I went to Hawaii the next day. What a great state Hawaii is. I don't know why the government doesn't pay for a family to travel there once every couple of years to make the stress go away. They do that in France you know. the government (or your insurance) pays for trips to the beach because of it's natural healing powers. America should do that. If we knew we were promised a trip to Hawaii every year if we didn't committ any crimes, and we payed our taxes. everyone would comply. There would be no more murders, rapes, robberies, or anything of the sort. And if anyone is ever pissed off at the government for anything. well it will all be forgotten after a couple of strawberry daqueries at a swim-up bar in a 5-Star hotel over-looking the Pacific.  They say that having an aquarium releases tension, well just imagine going out on the ocean and seeing dolphins jump next to you on the boat, and whales splashing their tales. That'll do you good for 10 years!  God I need a vacation. Just a little weekend one will do fine. Maybe just to San Antonio, or back down to the coast. hell I'll even settle for home--free meals and shopping in Fort Worth might cure some ailment. But I am pretty sure that the beach is my best bet. The best is late at night on the water. The stars and moon reflect off of the ocean, and everything is still except for the sound of the pulsing waves and the cooling breeze. I think I'll start packing my bag now. Damn, I don't have a swim suit. I'll stop at Target on the way out.
I'm sitting here in my dorm room wondering and thinking about everything I have to get done by tomorrow. It's not a lot but just little things. I have to buy a speech book, read the first two chapters out of it, write a speech and type an outline for it that's due for tomorrow. We don't start giving the speeches until Friday though so I'm not to worried about it. I also need to go over my chemistry. I'm going out to eat at the Hula Hut for dinner tonight with my pledge class. That should be fun. I can't wait to see my boyfriend. He is going to school at the Universtiy of Houston and it's so hard not being able to see him whenever I want. Oh well. His birthday is Sept. 10 so I'm going to go home to see him. I can't wait for this weekend becasue there is so much to do. We have a match with the SAE's on Fridayl, the game is Saturday afternoon, and then some of my friensds and I are going to go float down the river. I guess I should throw in some study time now and then. i'm really hungry but she is not coming to get me until six o'clock for dinner. I really need to do some laundry too. I'm running out of clean t-shirts. I can do that later though. I'm off to study some more and do what ever.
Right now I am just feeling really stressed out and angry. I have tons of homework to do and I don't know where to start, so I just started doing this. I'm also very mad because my girlfriend is being a real you know what, and she knows she is doing it and she just won't cut it out. Unfortunately, I live with her and I have to put up with this day in and day out. We also have a daughter together and at this time she is crying and crying and she won't let me concentrate at all. I just feel a lot of anger inside me, that is just waiting to come out. I'm ready to explode!  Right now all I am hearing is my baby daughter crying and crying, and I am also listening to the Cowboys play the Texans. I'm trying to watch the game while I am doing this, but it is impossible. My mind keeps on going blank while I am doing this. I have no idea why, my mind is just going blank. I think that I may be going crazy at this time. At this time, I am also getting sick because of this weather. I got a stuffy nose and I cannot smell a thing. My throat is killing my also. It hurts and it's hard to eat anything. I wouldn't be sick if it wasn't for this weather. I'm thinking about a lot of different things right now. My mind keeps on going back to how I would be in a whole different situation if I was still in school and if I would not have gotten my girlfriend pregnaut. I love my daughter, but I don't think that I was quite ready to be a parent so early in my life. My girlfriend, well she just makes me mad all the time and she makes my life become more and more stressful. Sometimes I just want to leave her, but I can't see my life without her. I love her, but she just needs to change some of the things that she does. She also needs to learn how to cook!  My eyes keep on moving and I keep on noticing this small little chair that we have that is decorated with clouds. The clouds are white and the background is a baby blue. I could stare at that chair forever because I love the color baby blue so much. Right now my girlfriend is washing dishes and all I can hear is myself typing and the water running. My baby finally stopped crying and she is falling asleep. I just noticed that the cowboys are losing to the texans which doesn't make me very happy either. I like the cowboys more than any other team, but unfortunately they don't have a very good quarterback. I wish that one day I could be the head coach of the cowboys. Maybe someday. My phone just rang and it was one of my friends from work. I didn't answer it because I am trying to write as much as I can before time runs out. Well the time is finally running out and I feel quite better writing down what I was doing and feeling. This is a easy assignment and I don't mind doing it. Well, thank god time is about up! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
today was a pretty lousy start. last night matt and I talked about alchoholfor  about two hours. he needs lots of help. God is the only one who can really  change his life. its hard for him to let go and put his life in the hands of  another . samehere. can't tellif jamie is getting bothersome . I'm so tired , life  is like inthe evening. such a traitor ,momentsof light. haze followed by  enlightenment . God speaks, I listen, but still no work is done. How will I  ever get out of this slump? there seems to be no ethical -work movement in  possible future. so tired eyes heavy with disgust and empty anti-thought. supposed philosophy is taking the place of construct. Although there seems no  point inthe sadness or loneliness there can't come any change from me. there  seems no way to get out without talking to those id never talk to otherwise . why involve them now whenthey will neverrbe another part? they'll help. need  more pills. three movies since move. dobies sucked. not sixth sense. saw Kara. drew too. she is the future. run Baker run ? hopeless acquisition followed by  incision tommorrow a decision perfected by revision. incisino from God made all  the diffence. IHATE READING IHATE CALCULUS I hate astronomy. I hate myself  above all and I can't say that alltogether it is a bad thing . I hate verbosity. I hate hating . I yearn for peace but find no answer that has lasted . Jesus is  the answer but it is so hard to stay in his hands. I need a haircut . I need a rainfall. I need a phonecall. maybe I should buy a  new car. And I wish it was a big world because I'm lonely for the small town id  like to drive and not look back . blow my money at a casino in seattle if one  existed. then id sit in the rain all day and eat salami sandwiches . meat the  woman of my dreams at a dance who is almost as depresed as I think I am. she'd  see right through me and I through her. then Id move to mexico and start a church   then move back to texas and live on a ranch . then move back to austin an start  a rock and  roll band with major influences from Ro
The incredible sense of freedom I feel is probably what I feel the most. I walk around looking at all the other students and I feel like all these people are the future of my children. College is one step up in my step ladder of life and I think it is overwhelming for all freshman. Right now I have this great motivation that I am hoping will last through the rest of the semester and hopefully the year. I'm glad to be away from home. I thought college (my classes in particular) would be horrible. My past professors in high school had warned my that I would HAVE to take calculus and most of my professors would be foreigners whose accents I wouldn't be able to understand. They warned me that I would be lucky to be able to understand their handwriting as well. Well things turned out totally different. My major is advertising which means I only need 3 hours of math, which I placed out of by taking the SAT II. So I don't have to try and solve a calculus problem ever again. I also don't have any foreign professors this semester either. Everyone's handwriting is quite legible and clear. I enjoy all my classes. Every teacher makes me laugh. I'm wondering if I'm just lucky or is college not as bad as everyone makes it sound. I love the technology that teachers use today. I love that if I miss a class, which I haven't yet, I can just hook up to the web and get my class notes for the day. The internet is clearly a life saver. I feel sorry for all the past college graduates who didn't get to benefit from the internet. Right now I am appreciating the fact that I can type without looking at the keyboard because I notice some people around me having some trouble. I've met a very diverse crowd of people within the past week and a half that I have been here in Austin. It's very exciting to know there are so many people around you that are from various ethnic origins. One thing that I'll definitely have to get used to is how I don't recognize anyone when I walk from class to class. In high school everyone knows everyone and at UT it is quite different. My older sister is a psychology major from Incarnate Word University in San Antonio. I'm eager to tell her all about my psychology class and what I learn. I've already read about her major and know a little bit more about it after reading it in our textbook. I'm looking forward to the rest of the semester and to more assignments which don't require a handwritten rough draft.
that's no good. I was informed as I entered the room that my friend tom's  girlfriend broke up with him. they were engaged;  I hope he comes  through this ok. he gets depressed sometimes,  and uses poor judgement. wow . . . it just occurred to me the more complex problems I face as I age. there's a  volleyball game going on outside in the jester courtyard (I assume . . . tom's roommate insists that it's a drunken festival of debauchery - I can't see out the window). I find their play loud and distracting, but the courts are there for that  purpose and I have no right to complain. the stereo turned off and I find the only noise in the room to be that of my typing. I like music as I work. it  helps me to concentrate. I find that Im considerably addicted to sound. when I was younger (and not paying an electric bill) I even needed music to sleep. I listened to my  Beatles record whi9le I cooked dinner tonight. chicken fried steak,  mashed potatoes and abbey road  -  fantastic combination. I found that there's a slight scratch  on "Mr. mustard"  -  those bastards at the record shop are supposed to be honest about the condition of the albums . . . it would be easier had they allowed me to  listen to it before I bought it. what kind of record shop has no turntable?  still, Im glad to have it - I collect old vinyl from some of my favorite groups . . . certain bands have a different sound and feel on record. I started collecting  when my brother bought me "working man's dead. "  he originally inspired my interest in the grateful dead,  I guess that fits. I have discovered in the past few years  just how, in my younger days, I religiously aspired to be like my brother. he's a great guy . . . Im glad that he's succeeding in life - we went through some troubling stages together. I miss him when Im at school. it's been five years since we lived in the same house,  but at school Im 200 miles away rather than across town. tom's talking on the phone to one of our friends,  Andrew,  who goes to school  at Vanderbilt. computers are amazing things - my phone bill would be outrageous if I couldn't e-mail my friends who attend school in other states. he's talking about the "break-up" now. this whole situation sucks.
Well I type kind of slow so I might not get as much in this box as everyone else. Anyway, right now I'm thinking that I have way to many classes and am worried that I might not be able to handle all of them in the same semester. I would have been ok but now I have an SI section for each class and it has filled all my free spaces. On top of that I still have to come back here and study for my lectures every night. I don't have very much free time to do other things. I'm not getting the time I hoped to have when I came to have a good time while I got an education. I don't have any free time to join any organizations or even go out and have a good time. I'm a long way from home so I don't get to see any of my friends or my family very often but I'm trying to make the best of things. I think that I will eventually be ok when I get use to this drastic change in my life. I just kind of wish that I didn't have to start over at this point in my life because I liked the way everything was going for the past few years. Well my twenty minutes are up so I guess that's it.
I am watching an episode of Mad TV and they were doing a parody on the whole parish priest / alterboy thing, singing Nelly's "Hot in Herre". The whole thing makes me sick when I think about it. My desktop died on me while I was up at UT and I am shopping for a new computer. The soonest I could get one would probably be Christmas, because of the long delay in shipping and the safety issues of shipping it to home and having no one there to sign for it and shipping it to the dorm where someone might take it and I would never see it. But it really sucks that my desktop would just crap out like it did. At least I still have my laptop, even thought it is a brick, weighing over 10 pounds, but I chose it and paid for it. All in all, life on the computer side just sucks. I wrote this during Labor Day long weekend, so I just sitting here at home in Houston until tomorrow when I go back to Austin for a long haul, as I call it where I don't go back home until another holiday/long weekend. But I don't mind, I really enjoy living in Austin, although the dorm I live in sucks due to construction noises. I have late classes on TTH and I don't get up until like 11, but I still am awakened by construction at 10 or so. Even though I didn't know my roommate until I move in with him, I do not regret going potluck. He is pretty cool, and he respects my wishes and I do the same for him. He has early classes on the same days that I do, so he doesn't bother me when he gets up in the morning, and I don't bother him when I wake up, because he has the same classes at the same times as I do. So that is cool. It's an oddity that I am writing this, for I do not really know how to write papers. So I decided to write this like I would for my blog on LiveJournal, like I am writing to my best friends. When I get back to Austin, I need to get my Calculus book and maybe find a movie that me and my friends can go to, just as kind of a day off thing to kill time before the daily grind starts again. Sadly II feel like this after only one and a half weeks of school at UT, into my freshman year. But the work is not the problem, the problem is the walking, but I will have to just get used to that aspect of UT.
I met this guy Mark Thursday and today we had breakfast together. I really like him, but I don't know how to express myself around him. I get a selfconscience feeling, but he seems excited when we talk. I have a nervous tick in my stomach when I think of him, like now. I feel like calling or emailing him, but I can't find the guts to. At breakfast, it took my five minutes before I could stop shaking. No one noticed but I could feel my knees quiver. School is not exactly what I thought it would be. There is so much reading, and I don't know if I'm absorbing it all into my brain. So many fun things to do, I make myself sit and read. I try so hard to focus on the page and words, but my mind wanders. I try to read ahead to be prepared for the next class, but I suffer as much failure as I do success. I have a club meeting tonight and tomorrow night and I'm lucky if I get the times and meeting places correct. I guess that's why I bought a cool UT planner which I carry with me everywhere! My mom was the same way I am. She procrastinated more in college than I am and did very well. I don't want to fail. I think about failing and it makes my stomach hurt and I zone out, pushing the thoughts of failure to the back of my mind, but they always pop out again. I miss the familiar faces and places of Port Lavaca. I miss driving my the bay in the evening and the sounds of the cottonwood trees in the front yard. Tears come to my eyes. I haven't cried in a very long time, not even when I came back from the long Labor Day weekend. When I talk on the phone with my parents I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears. I want to succeed here and I'm am doing a good job of breaking the university into a smaller, less overwhelming place. As a little girl, I came to many UT football games. My dream was to be a student here. Considering I was in the top ten percent of my graduating class the task was not a hard one. I love the university and I'm glad I choose UT over Southwest Texas. Southwest does have the best Speech Pathology program in the state, but I can not see myself anywhere, but here. When I think of that the sadness goes away, but I'm still left with an incredible amount of work that I am trying to accomplish. My dad works very hard. He only went to college for two years, and then to work for the family company. I can't tell if he likes work. He almost hates his sister's husband. I don't like him either. A total jerk and I feel sorry for my cousins, one of whom only calls home when my aunt is there. I think my dad is happy. He always coached mine and my brother's basketball league games. He loved it. He was an average student in high school, most likely had ADD or ADHD. We've always been close, but sometimes I feel like he disregards my feelings. We're both athletic, but I got the heavier build of my mother and my dad is slender, but muscular. Sometimes my dad gets mad at my brother and I, but our mother tells us that he always feels bad afterwards. I hope he knows I love him very much.