I have so many stressors in my life right now, and I've decided that since I have to do this stream of consciousness exercise anyway, this is probably the best place to vent. While being a freshman on a campus of 50,000 people is intimidating and scary, it isn't nearly as threatening as people made it out to be  at least not yet. My current stressful situations lie in areas of my life that have nothing to do with college. To be honest, right now, my biggest problem is with my parents. After being divorced for some time now, they have just gotten to the point where they have started to fight and bicker about everything, and of course, I always end up in the middle. My mother complains about how difficult her life is because of my father, which I'm sure it is. This is not to say that he is a perfect person, because I know he is not, but the way she portrays him, you would think that he is not human. My father is very critical and judgmental of everything my mother does, and the both of them feel the constant need to tell me how they feel about the other. Now, I am adult enough to realize that after a bitter divorce, there will certainly be problems. They have every right in the world to be furious with each other. All I ask is that they do not drag me into the middle of it. I have told them both this on several occasions, and they both apologize and vow to not do it again. However, before long, they are up to the same old game again, and it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. I am forced to choose sides, and since I love both my parents, this provides for a very stressful situation. I am getting to the point that I am ready to tell them both that I will not speak to either of them or have any contact what so ever until they talk to each other and get at least to the point where they can tolerate living in the same city with one another. I don't ask that they try to love each other again, or even like each other, because those days are obviously through. I just want things to be relatively peaceful and not for there to be a war zone. Another result of this fighting is the separation of me and my siblings. This has nothing to do with the fact that I live on campus, my little sister lives with my mom, and my brother lives with my dad. While this isn't the ideal living situation, there is certainly nothing awful about it. What their fighting has caused is rifts between the kids. It has gotten to the point that we choose sides against our parents, and therefore, against each other. I feel like I can't say anything bad about my mother in front of my sister because she will just run back and report what I say. If I wanted to say those things to my mom, I would say them. I don't need a messenger. Dr Pennebaker, if you are reading this, I accidentally pressed send and did not get to complete my writing. I apologize and hope this doesn't cause any problems. Anyway, another problem I have with my family is the direct relationship between my mother and I. We have always had different personalities, and they have often clashed. We would sometimes go long periods of time when we were furious with each other, but for some reason, I feel that my current situation is the worst. She has recently undergone a lot of personal changes, mostly physical. She is in the process of discovering who she is, which is a perfectly normal thing to do after having a life as tumultuous as hers. She changed her last name, has dyed her hair several different colors, and is seriously considering a nose ring. Now, on an intellectual level, I totally understand her actions. If I were in her shoes, I would want to discover who I was also, and would feel hurt if my daughter did not approve. HOWEVER, these changes she has made still upset me immensely, and she cannot comprehend or accept why I feel this way. Until recently, I could not even explain it to myself. Through talking with a friend, I think I've begun to grasp why I have a problem with this. And here is my answer: the relationship a person has with their mother is supposed to be one of the most meaningful, important relationships of their lives. A mother, no matter how hard you try to escape her, will always be there for you and provide comfort and support. You KNOW who this person is, and they are usually a steady force in your life. Even before my mother began undergoing these changes, we had drifted apart so that I barely knew who she was. And now, after changing herself, I really don't know her. She does not seem to be a rock for my life. The hardest part for me is that she doesn't seem to care how I feel and that her changes upset me. I am not the most emotionally open person, but the fact that she was changing her name was upsetting me so that I actually confronted her about it. This is so unlike me, so I felt very vulnerable in my action. After I told her I was having a problem, she seemed sincerely concerned, and promised that we would talk about it further before she did anything. However, two days later, before we talked more, she went and changed her name anyway. I never asked her to change her life or actions for my sake. All I wanted was for her to know how I felt and that she was upsetting me. Honestly, I think this is a reasonable request. Her apparent disregard for my feelings hurt me tremendously, and we are on very bad terms at the present time. I feel very alone right now, and I'm not sleeping well. My appetite has gone down very much, and I can't seem to find pleasure in anything I do. The friends I had in high school have all moved away, and the new friends I've made at UT always seem to have more important things to do. I am nowhere near the top of anybody's priority list, and I often feel like if I were to just pack up and clear out, very few people would notice. Now, if anybody is reading this, don't think this is a plea of help from a person considering suicide. That thought doesn't come into my mind, I am just having a rough time. I know that one of Dr. Pennebaker's favorite stress relievers is to sit down and write about 'your deepest thoughts and feelings. ' At this point, I would have to agree with him that this exercise is very helpful and calms my nerves a bit. I don't know what I'll write about for other stream of consciousness exercises, because I've pretty much said everything of dire importance to me here on this page. I hope that if anybody in my life reads this and is upset by it, that they will understand that I have a special circumstance in Dr. Pennebaker's class, and I just want to be treated like all the other freshmen who have the opportunity to write and write without consequence. I know that this is just an assignment, but I truly appreciate this opportunity to vent my frustrations and do a little thinking. Thank you.