Far too many thoughts are running through my head right now. Too many things changing all around me. My main concerm=n is Matt. I know it is crazy for me to think that the two of us can stay together through the year but I want to so badly. he is my best friend and there is no way I can just let myself lose him. I am just so worried about everything. we are fighting an awful lot lately vecause we need to learn to get adjusted to all the new things around us. why in the world is he at Rolla. He just settled there which makes me so diappointed because I want him to be happy. Not just settling someweher cause he feels like he has no other choices. And then he goes on about there not being anyone there who doesn't drink and so in order to not be alone he hads to go out with these guys  why can't he just gove it some time. He'll meet good people eventually. he just doesn't want to be alone like he was for most of high school. I can kind of understand because  he spent so much time out of hat he considered the loop. I can't really say much because all my other friends are at UT. Heck I'm even living with one of my best friends. I knew that would be a mistake but I just didn't have t eheart to turn her down so I siad we could be suitemates, not roommates. still a mistake. She is always in my business, never a moments peace. It doesn't help that she keeps aksing about matt. The sick part is that she has always liked hikm. he used to like her which makes it even worse. And she keeps trying to stay in contact with him which pisses me off. I know I can't tell him he can't talk with her but it seriuosly upsets me. especially cause she keeps busting in here asking me all kinds of questions about us. She doesn't know how much of a private person I am about certain things. If I want to talk I will share anythign under the sun. but I hate beign pressured to talk and I hate not having my space. She doesn't understand. I am a hard person to live with because I am so picky about everything. I like things my way. so livign with others is often hard. My roommmate and I get along great cause we give each other space while always being there for each other when we need it. It neat cause we hadn't met unitl last week and yet we already work on much the same level. So the whole lindsay thing just adds to the mess with Matt. I am very insecure about him going away. really scared about the whole situation so it doesn;t help when I feel my best friend is after my man. I know he has nothing to do with it but why couldn't he just ignore her for me, for us. I know it is not good for us to fight like this and I don't want to but sometimes I just start expected too much. Ridiculous things that no one can be expected to live up to. but that's the way I am, I figure if I can do it others should be able to too. On that I amn very wrong but it still bothers me. I want my baby to be happy and I don't want us to trap each other in a relationship that isn't healthy but I'm not ready to let go. I still think that if we just get settled it will all work itself out. I just can't have Lindsay behind me all the time interupting our conversations. I just feel that he always has to go before we can really finish somehting. And then there are my parenst who are so weird. now that I am gone they try and contact me more. They I'm and email but never call. then they blame nme, why haven't you called. well first of all yall are tryign to see me more than you did while I was home, secondly, wy don't you call. That drives me crazy. I really don't miss anyone except matt. That isn't really suprising to me though because I have never been one to miss my family . And most of my really close friends are here. Which is interesting in itself. UT is the last place I ever thought I would end up. I always wanted to go to Rice and then on the last day I suddenly changed my mind. Not sure all the reasons why. sometimes I say it is because UT had the program I wanted, at Rice I really didn't have a major. But other times I think I was just too chicken. Too chicken to pick the harder school. I knew I could handle it but I didn't know if I wanted too. Then there were my parenst who for some reason pushed UT. Not gform the beginning, but somewhere along the line, I think when my dad saw the scholarship. Then he went form die hard Rice to, "I think you'd be better off at UT. "  I didn't want to do the same things my friends were doing. I wanted something new. And heere I am with one of my friends in the same room. now that is a stretch. My best friend other than matt is Andrea and who knew but she pulle done of the same things and ended up at UT too. So really there is no one to miss except my baby and iZ am takign that really hard. It's hard to believe  I acn't see him until Christmas. And talkign over the internet just isn't the same. I just want everything to settle down and my emotions to caslm down so that I am not so fickle with everything and don't act irrationally. I never mean to hurt him but judt today Irealized that I have been. Now as I talk it sounds like we shouldn't stay together but we have sommmuch fun tigether and I think that this is justa phase. we are both stressed. I hope my roommates don't get all weird on me and start thinkign I'm getting depressed. I really just need some space and a little time to adjust.