I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm barely making it through my day. I feel like a zombie, but hey what's new?  I have an english paper due on Monday. I think I completely bombed the thesis. I guess I can always go back and change it. I'm tired, I can't think. that's a lie, of course I can. it will simply be rambling nonsensical jumble. and that counts too right? sure it does. I've been seeing this guy. he's about seven years older than I am, and that shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's more of an age difference than anyone I've dated before. I can meet him on an itellectual level, conversation isn't lacking, there's physical attraction and the whole deal. so why am I so doubtful? I suppose because I'm paranoid about becoming an obnoxious needy stereotypical girl. Unfortunately I have been that to others in the past and refuse to ever play that part again. I'm so much stronger now, more confident and comfortable with myself as a person. Anyway, my point is I'm scared to let him know I'm sincerely intersted because I think it will freak him out and send him running in the other direction. I can make my intentions known without actually verbalizing my feelings. And I'm pretty sure at this time in the relationship- whatever time it might be- is too soon to bring up any of those concerns. Is he seeing anyone else? Does he care? Does he not want to hurt my feelings so he won't tell me he doesn't want to hang out? it's so ridiculous to hear myself think like this. basically I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm willing to do it myself, before anyone really gets the chance. I've dated a plethera of losers over the past year and I'm tired of not caring about anyone. anyone in that way I guess. yes I have friends and have plenty to do without a guy to entertain (that sounds really harsh- it is me that wants this. )but I miss that connection. I want to be in love again. but who doesn't? I suppose once I stop wanting it I'll find it. that's the way of the world sometimes. yeah but about him. it is what it is and if it doesn't work out than so be it. plenty of fish in the sea and all that. but he does have some potential. enough of this. it's making my head hurt. I don't like that my stream of consciousness has turned into more of a "dear diary" than anything else. I'm sitting in the student microcomputer facility among my fellow longhorns at the moment. I wonder how many of them are doing this assignment right now. maybe none. everyone's in their own little worlds. deep inside their thoughts or their research. everyone seems so disconnectced, though I suppose that's the point of this place. a quiet area to get work done, not social hour. I'm about to go to ecology evolution and society. I've been reading the assigned chapters, but I fear that I'm not actually retaining any of the information. I guess it will become quite apparent when I get my first test scores back. all I want to do here is to do well. it's the only reason I'm living in austin again, to continue my education. so that's what I aim to do. make the most out of the billion things I have to accomplish today. cross them off my list and get them out of the way in order to make room for all the new. life is pretty enjoyable when you don't let it drag you down with the minor negative aspects. so many people do that. drown in their own self pity and reamin miserable regardless. just smile sometimes, it really can make you feel better, and probably someone else as well. that's what I think, but this mind of mine is all over the place and never seems to rest. the end. my time is up.