Somtimes I don't understand why people are the way they are. Why am I falling in love with a guy that I can't be with? I mean, my gah, we're perfect for each other other than the fact that he thinks I'm some sort of deluded tricked person who is believing wrong (referring to my religion). We're both stubborn in the aspect of our beliefs and aren't willing to compromise however there is this unnaturally strong bond, I guess you could say, between us. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him so bad, I really honestly and truly do however I'm afraid of getitng hurt again. Maybe I am delusional, maybe its because I'm afraid I can't get a guy here. Maybe I don't know what I believe or not. I question what I really want and often wonder why I choose to live the way I do. Why do I sacrifice happiness for the sake of morality? Something that would make me happy, why do I avoid it? Because I'm afraid that God will condemn me to hell. Yes, that must be it. I know I'm saved and that I will go to heaven however I feel that other people will condemn me, I will condemn myself and ultimately God will condemn me. Fear of man, fear of myself, fear of God, fear of doing what I want, fear of getting pregnant if I choose to have sex, all of these things cause me inner turmoil. Why be with a guy that's all the way up in New York and you're down in Texas? I love him, I want to be with him, but I'm denying my inner feelings somehow--I don't know 100% what I feel or how I feel it. . I don't know if I'm creating some sort of mental captivity for myself by not choosing to be with him--am I missing out on the best thing of my life?  He says all the right things, but does he truly mean what he says?  I guess only showing will prove it.   I do like this rose that he gave me. I mounted it on this background thing of New York City that I made. its a beautiful glass rose, but it broke in the mail. He was upset that it wasn't perfect however me and symbolism, I said it was better that it was broken because things aren't perfect, and even though it will be mended, it won't be perfect. And that's okay. Nothing is perfect. The rose is so beautiful. It offsets the background and the Statue of Liberty infront of it. I love New York. Do I love this guy because I love New York so much? Or do I love New York so much because I love this guy? Who knows? All I know is that its raining here, and I'm sitting alone in my dorm room, cold and alone. surrounded by the mass but alone in spirit. alone in body. alone. I think its stopped raining now, but I'm not sure if it will continue. I have no umbrella. I'm not prepared for the storm. Like life, huh? You can prepare yourself for everything except the most obvious--what happens if it rains? You prepare for the cold, you prepare for the wind, you prepare for the ice. . but the rain comes, and you have nothing. No umbrella, nothing. all you have is what you took with you. . your books, your clothes, your hand, the trees or a overhang of a building.   I came here to Austin not knowing anything. I mean I knew what I've heard but I didn't actually know. I now know, and I don't know what to think. The mass is around me but I'm alone. . alone, cold standing in the rain with no umbrella. dreaming about the distance, and longing for the closeness.   I've thought about becoming a psychologist. . However I don't know if I want to abandon business. I don't know what I want to do really. I mean, I know certain things I like however I don't know what I want to do with what I like. I like many things but I love little. I've always helped people with their problems, listened to their issues, offered my advice when prompted. maybe its time I get paid for it, lol. . I wrote in my notebook about becoming a psychology professor--that way I can interact with students, be in authority and teach about psychology. but I don't know if I want to do that. . Why wouldn't I want to? Money, travelling, I don't know to be honest.   Wow, ten minutes and I've typed a novel. . Omg, I feel for the individual who has to read this, lol. I guess its a curse from typing since like the 4th grade. I think I can get up to like 100 words a minute now. . I was talking to this one guy online however I told him I would   brb in 20  . He has a crush on me. I don't like him. I know its for superficial reasons, but I don't wish to get in an internet relationship, lol. Yeah it would end up being an internet relationship. and I'm not about to go down that road, lol. . The first and ONLY one was this one guy who ended up being a clingy-blood-craving-dog-collar-wearing-submissive ex-goth who liked to bite people. Strange, eh? Weird guys fall for me, lol. One guy. . omg, the state hospital patient--He hit on me while I was volunteering there for bingo, omg. that was scary, haha. Then there was the drunk guy who said I was Miss America 2002--poor kid, lol. . Then, let's see. . the ex goth, the state hospital guy, the drunk dude. Hmm, I know there's more. . Ahh yes, boyfriend number one. The sex-craving chain smoker who was like 5 inches shorter than me. I learned from this guy to ALWAYS tell your mother about your relationships. That stupid dork called my house at midnight and was saying nasty things to my mother thinking it was me, lol. I came home and my door was off the hinges, my tv, stereo and phone were out and she changed the dead bolts on my door. THEN we proceeded to go to the health  clinic where I got the hepatitus A series vaccine (which is good to have anyways lol) and was threatened to get tested for AIDs. It was a traumatic experience, lol. Darn those junior high days lol. .   Well I have less than five minutes left and have managed to go thru most all of my relationships. LoL, wow, the more I remember them, the funnier they get. . my friends think they're hilarious lol. But one thing I've learned--I can't please everyone. I guess I have to live for myself and that's about it. Though I have religion and the morals that   confine   me with that--it should be done out of love. . but right now I don't have love. I want love to give to God, but I'm so caught up in what I want and the inner turmoil that its causing me to just want happiness with this guy, I managed to squeeze out love or desire to grow with God more. . Yes, it hurts to say it, and to acknowledge it. . but hey, I guess its the truth? I guess that's why this was the first assignment--so we can see what we really think and feel. . to write them out and to put them on the table so we can look at what we feel and not deny that we truly did think what we thought. Hmm. two and a half minutes left. .   I think I want to skip class. . lol, I'll go though. . I just hope I don't get rained on. A perfect ending to a perfect essay. . with one exception. Perfection doesn't exist. Morality doesn't want to exist. And I don't know where to find an umbrella.   In the last few seconds or minutes or whatever, my mind wonders to the pasta I had for lunch. NO clue as to why, lol, however I do like pasta. I wonder what I'll have for dinner. Wow, this writing went from super deep to super light, topic wise lol. . Grr, I got the Trojan and Mimic virus on my computer. . another lovely addition to another lovely day. Time is up and I have class to go to. Its been nice writing. . Maybe I'll do this again. . Typing of course--I can type faster than I can handwrite, lol. 3. 2. 1. Times up. . Ohh, I can continue writing. Well, I can't now. I have psychology class.