4. 57 checking in don't know where to start. I do this a lot though kind of relieves stress like candles and music and flowers haha really girly, huh? oh well, I guess that's me more like a girl on the inside. outside is just comfortable. god, my hair is annoying. it's hot as hell, too thick curly hair doesn't go well with the texas heat I'm writing and all I'm thinking is that if you really do read this, how exactly am I being judged man, this could be an essay about me and my identity and how I interpret myself but that wouldn't let you decide for yourself. and I'm way into that. I want to decide. it can be good, bad, whatever haha it's funny when it's a bad decision, but always an experience my Japan far east competition in volleyball bad time to get caught volleyball captain, a lot of responsibilities damn, I miss volleyball but I don't know if I could survive it definitely something fun to do, but no. rotc takes way too much time hahaha only 24 hours. I remember Korea shoot I didn't even know what it was to sleep unless I was riding in a bus getting somewhere awww away trips those rocked memories. friends. love. trust. heartache. god, I miss Korea. I can't believe I talked to Keith and marry I miss them a lot this college thing is really cool, but dang, nothing compares to serious friendship. I miss my baby damn the fact that he's way younger. it doesn't' matter. I'm tired of everyone's "idea" of what is right for me. I loved him for that I can always be myself. whatever that is we'll see. I wonder if I'm going to "find myself" here haha this is the place for it, right? ~~bisexuality~~ I mean it's college and all I'm supposed to understand life and myself and who I am and what I'm like this seems more like an email I would send to phillip we were always like this like reading each other's diary in an email. I wonder what he's up to there are a lot of people like that some that I wouldn't mind forgetting about but why? they all touched me in some way haha that sounds sexual I can't believe I admitted to mars before tat or seo or anyone I didn't think I could talk to her like that it takes a lot of guts on both sides for us to have what we have I love her for that I know she feels guilty. we'll see hopefully this will be a lifelong friendship I'm so lucky for that and I thank god for it not like most people: only talk to him when they need something it's funny how religion works it's only prominent in people's lives when they are in need of something then again, I guess that's how a lot of things work I am learning, though not the innocent, little, trusting girl I used to be or at least, not as much haha Korea taught me that I owe my life to that place more the people than the actual place, I guess. more seo than anything I love him I should feel guilty I should actually be censoring my thoughts right about now but, I guess that wouldn't be the assignment. I love ben. I love seo and I would die if I didn't have both of them in my life selfish? I don't know isn't everybody in some way? I think as long as all the people involved accept and are comfortable and happy. happiness is so important. it's funny when people are happy. I don't have to be happy but I couldn't live with myself otherwise so many things play on happiness love. trust. comfort dang, I think I said that before this is something I would send to Mr. clausen I hope his father is okay I would know how hard it would be for him if he wasn't damn. CSM I hope you're watching over me and I know I do some pretty messed up things stuff you wouldn't expect from me but, it's the truth I guess that's a good thing knowing me for who I am maybe it's not all good ben would die if he knew the entire truth can I live with myself knowing I cheated him???? I don't know air force honor code "I will not lie, steal or cheat or tolerate among us anyone who does". do I absolutely have to live with that? isn't it, after all, my decision who will know, right? but, no. I couldn't do that the only thing is ben right now my only source of guilt then again, also my soul source of happiness and love and passion and pleasure I hope all that won't turn into regret and pain. god, after rod, I don't know if I can handle that I don't know I would become another American girl I am so not that or at least, I would argue that I'm not whatever. I don't even remember when I started I don't think I'm supposed to be thinking about that maybe this is all wrong. maybe I'm supposed to be doing this word association thing cloud. picnic. ben. love. good thing. sex. passion. seo. lifelong friend, lover, everything I want and need. kind of like my mom except not I don't know should it be words or sentences I think that I think in phrases it's actually harder writing one word at a time whatever. damn, I need a cigarette shit, but I promised 7 today I think I passed that a few hours ago damn smoker's alley. haha is that what it's called. hahaha I feel so unamerican. mars told me I would be hahaha. it's all good: the allAmerican blond ass Keith feels isolated. I'm still okay. it's a good thing. I don't know for how long I'm scared shitless that I'm going to get cancer or something not because I'm going to die shoot, I could care less. I'm happy. I can dies happy. I will die happy. it's just because my mom would die I remember telling her. you know she cried I've never seen her cry only when it somehow deals with me. damn, she loves me god, that is the greatest thing of all knowing that your heart is in the teeth of your creation wow sounds like a JEWEL song I should listen to her very inspiring kind of like talking to people who are passionate about what they do. damn, I love that maybe that's why I'm big into guys who sing and write poetry it's funny, because ben doesn't do either one, and I am so in love with this guy. shit, I don't even want kids, and I would have them for him he knows that I hope it'll last. I figure this is the hardest part. me in college him still in hS I really don't want to deny him a high school social life he's sweet about it I don't know I don't want him to think in years from now "what if". you know??? god, I hope not. but I make him happy and he makes me happy and we complete each other hahaa same thing with seo god, this is weird. james doesn't think it'll last. a triangle with me as the main point I don't know shoot, I'm special enough, right? who says I can't have it all that sounds conceited. but I'm not. not if you really got to know me anyway confident? I don't know. more uncertain and scared. reminds me of my identity poem: TYPICAL ECCENTRICITY. whoa it's 5. 20