Although overall, I am having the time of my life, finally being away from home and family and finally free from parental restrictions, it's not all fun. I'm actually on my own. I can't believe it - for the first time, I won't have my parents to rely on everything for. I'll have to take on so much more responsibility for myself. And I think I'm prepared for it too, which is a very good feeling. Even though I've made soo many new friends (and some enemies), it's not the same anymore. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's just different. I still would've preferred going to the college I wanted to go to, Columbia U. I guess I'm still angry at my parents for not letting me go out of state. oh well, I'll just have to accept it. Right now it's late, almost midnight. I am tired and I have so much to say right now but I just can't get it all out. most of what I think about nowadays is what my future will be like and what I actually want to pursue in my education. Do I really have the commitment to study medicine? What am I going to major in? I'm just full of doubts about myself sometimes. A lot of my motivation comes from my desire to just be successful and happy in life. Right now my parents are preparing for their trip to India. They haven't been there in 2 years. I feel so distant and alienated from my relatives over there. Somehow I feel my parents' families resent me because I was actually born in America. Also, I don't really feel "indian. " I am American in the full sense of the word. That's been a huge conflict I've had with myself -- my ethnic identity. The indian community I have lived with tends to separate itself from other cultures, an idea which I dislike. So I find my self associating more with people of other races, which is terrific for me. However, I find myself separated often from people of my own heritage because I act different. I don't always hang out with Indian people. In fact, I rarely do. Strangely, it's a good feeling, knowing that my identity was developed by ME, not by the culture of some country my parents happened to live in less than half their lives. I don't know why I can be so bitter about this subject. I guess I just resent the idea of the Indian culture trying to shape my life. I am about ME, not about being Indian. Ok now that I'm getting into this stream of consciousness thing, I'm going to complain about something else. How about religion? I am very proud of the fact that I am a christian. However, my parents don't seem to believe I am religious because I do not shout and jump and down and speak in tongues and faint at church services. I am more of a reserved person, and my parents don't seem to recognize that. It's the same way with the Indian church I used to go to. I left that church because basically everyone there was a hypocrite. Church, to them and especially for my dad, was something to make themselves look good. As long as they pretend they were holy and righteous, they were in good standing with the indian community. I couldn't stand it so I left for a better church. Spiritually I am thriving and growing with christ, and it's been such a blessing for me. Right now, my roommate is out partying and I'm stuck in my room sick and my legs hurt. funny, I don't really feel lonely. I actually like being by myself. With others sometimes I feel like I have to act like I'm someone else. Alone, I can actually be myself. my hands hurt and they are tired now, but I feel like typing more. I wonder if people think I'm some kind of nerd or recluse. I hate when people assume that about me since I'm not a party person and I do well in school. I really am different from most people, and I like that about me. When I get married and have kids (IF I even want to have kids), that's something important I want to teach them -- to develop themselves as individuals, not part of a group. That's what the problem is today with gangs or other kinds of cliques. people feel such a great need to belong to something or a group. not me. and I don't care what other people think. maybe I'm too proud of myself. who knows. if someone were to read this, they'd think I have no friends or something. nothing can be farther from the truth. I really do have a lot of friends. basically I look for some shred of intellect and personality in a person I want to befriend. So as I'm winding down writing all the thoughts that my brain is oozing out, I have to express a couple feelings. I'm excited about my new beginning in life at UT. I'm still pretty apprehensive about my future and what my goals actually are. I know I am competent and capable of doing anything. before this starts to sound really gay, I think I must end this. ok no I wont, haha! I still have a little more to say. I am a night person. I don't know why. but I just love being awake at night, not in the daytime. it's so peaceful and quiet. it's a strange feeling knowing you're awake and alive and you are so energized while everyone else is sleeping. I feel like I can do things I couldn't do in the daytime because everyone would see me. I wonder what people think when they see me. are they repulsed by me or what? I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world, and that's a fact. I wonder how much less people think of me because I am fat. I am really trying to lose the excess pounds though. don't get me wrong -- I'm not dieting because of what other people think. I KNOW it's not healthy for me, and believe me, I intend to live a long healthy life, and I need to start. sometimes I feel I am less of a person because of my physical imperfections. I don't intend to be a statistic of the "freshman 15. " well, with all that said, I am ending this now.