ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
There are some very strange things on TV. I don't watch TV all that often, but when I do it gets stranger and stranger. I love to eat. I eat constantly. Sometimes I wonder what it really is driving me to eat all of the time. Crunch and Munch is the snack of choice for me at the moment. Buttery toffee popcorn with peanuts, it is funny to think why it is so good. But it is intriguing. Why do people change? I often wonder why she did it to me, what did I do to deserve it? I thought she was my friend, but I guess I was wrong. Without trust, friendship means nothing. I often think of this as I look at my relationships with other people, do I really trust them? I wonder why I sit and harass myself with the torture of scrutinizing every aspect of my life. Why do I? I know there is nothing wrong with me, yet I still sit here and ask myself what I could do differently. I need to accept that people do change, including myself. I believe I am addicted to Instant Messaging. It is a remarkable invention. To be able to "talk" instantaneously with my friends all over the country is just unbelievable. I can carrying on a conversation with as many people as I can handle at one time, but usually I just stick to two or three or it becomes too much to handle. I don't even know if this is making any sense, but I don't really care. The thing with instant messaging is that I have an obsession with wondering who is on or who is getting off, I have to check every time I hear the sound of the door opening and closing, even if I have no intention of actually talking to anyone. Why do I play mind games all of the time? I really do. I sit here and plot ways to make him want me or make him think I am mad or happy or whatever. I seriously need to quit eating this crap. It may taste good, but I know it can't be good for me. This is ridiculous, I really do need to stop eating.
man I should have waited and gone to the restroom before I walked into the library's computer lab. . Geez!!!!!!!!!. . I really need to go but I can't because I have already began to write. . Well now I know that I must hold it and wait for these 20 minutes to past. Which could feel like forever. Wow! looking around I see a lot of students working on something that must be important since they sit quietly stuck to the seat in front of their computer. . Finally. Today was the first day in which I ate with some friends from high school. . Whom right now seem to be my only friends  here at UT if I am lucky to see them around in between classes. I know I should try and make new friends because you know what they say, "you meet your best and closest friends in college. " I have made attempts to talk to new people on campus, whether I'm sitting on the bus with someone I have never met or waiting in the hallway with another student for my next class to begin. I mean I want to meet many new faces but then again I am worried that the people I approach don't want to be approached by a complete stranger. I don't know but I need to figure something out so I can enjoy every little bit of my college experience. hey? wasn't there suppose to be a timer at the top of the screen? oh no I didn't bother checking what time I started to type!well it doesn't seem like 20 minutes just yet so ill keep typing about something. Well, lately I have been having doubts about whether to change my major or not. I am currently    a mechanical engineer major but have been thinking about switching to computer science. I feel like I will have an easier time in computer science because I find it more interesting. GEEZ!!!!! my arm is staring to hurt from all this typing and my fingers are all worn out. I knew I should have taken that keyboarding class in middle school so I would learn to type properly and not with the same index fingers. lately my mind has been full of worries and things that I need to do before deadlines. this morning I went to the Austin Municipal Court to turn in my Defensive driving certificate and they didn't accept it because I need to pay off the balance of my citation first. Now where am I going to get $137 right now? My books left me with an empty wallet and I have at least 2 weeks to come up with that money. I think I'm just going to have to sell some of my valued belongings and maybe even donate plasma again. Yup! I have donated blood before and have received money for it and I told myself it would be my first and last time to do it. but it doesn't seem like its going to be that way! so I think its been 20 minutes now because I only had 45 minutes of log on time and I was just informed that I have 25 minutes left so yeah. .
Right now at this moment I am feeling a little anxiety. I tell myself that this is normal, being a first year student I should feel this way. But the thought does not comfort me. For some reason I feel I am the only one who is going through this right now. I don't feel anxiety all the time though, when I run into friends or go to class it all disappears. My only explanation is that I am comfortable with routine. I hate routine. There is nothing exciting about it, it's just boring. There's no risk in routine or adventure, only security. Maybe that's why I feel so much better when I have work to do or a class to catch. I hope I grow out of this and become more relaxed. The way I see it is that the only way I'm ever going to grow out of this is to get use to the different lifestyle by gaining confidence over time. You can only gain courage towards something as you do it. All I have to do is get over that first hurdle, just do it and not think about the situation for too long. That's my problem; I worry about the future way too much. Worrying is a waste of time and I know that from experience. Half the things I have worried about here at school have turned out to be nothing. But for some reason I still worry, I worry a lot. I have noticed that nothing ever turns out the way you plan in your head. So if I plan on worrying, why do I actually worry? I know there's a good chance it won't happen because I thought of it. I will never enjoy life like this. If this keeps up I'm going to have a problem. I want to go out into the world and totally change something. But I know for sure that won't happen if I don't grow up!.
Hey what's up? I just got home from school and hopefully I can finish doing this before my sister gets home and takes over the computer. Today was cool I got my hair cut finally and the girl that did it was really sweet. I wish my hair was thicker though. I'm trying to type as fast as I can in twenty minutes so I'm wondering how much I'll really end up typing. I can't wait to go to college station this weekend. I hope mom doesn't find out that I ran into that pole in the garage. I think I'm just going to tell her that a car must have hit it. I have the story all planned out and everything. I'd much rather drive Karla's car to college station this weekend. I can't wait to see Austin again. He's so awesome. I had so much fun at Emo's last night, Minus the Bear rocked. Sometimes I feel out of place at that place though because it seems like everyone is trying to hard to look like they don't want to go crazy when the band is playing. I'm so happy they played my favorite song, too. I was surprised how many Victoria people were there too. I think Nick is so cute too! I haven't seen Lynette in a while that was surprising. I wonder if she still thinks I'm a bitch for all that crap in high school. I'm starting to realize that Austin isn't as fun as I thought it'd be. It's a crazy place to live, but after being in College Station all I think about is how fun it'd be to live there. There's so many teenagers and so much to do at night. The cat's distracting me it keeps trying to drink my water. I think I hurt it when he flew off the table. I'm going to make pizza to eat pretty soon here. I can't remember the last time I ate at the same time Karla did. Hopefully my car will be ready soon because this no ac is really pissing me off. Which doesn't really matter anyways since there's no place to park without having to pay five dollars. I don't like going to Eco class very much. I feel like the teacher is going to jump up and ask some question and I have no idea what he's talking about. I haven't even been reading as much as I thought I would in school. Maybe I should start too because it'll probably start to get hard and then I really won't know what anyone's talking about. I always wonder if Austin is getting tired of me. I know he always thinks about getting with another girl, but I'd really like to see what he does and how he is when he's all drunk at some party. That's going to be weird when he joins that frat but him and Roe fit in with them pretty good I think. I know I should have joined that one group but I think I just wanted to know someone in it before I did. I don't think I could ever afford to pay that much money anyways. I can't even hold on to a hundred in a week. I need to stop buying so many clothes but there's too many cute things I want. I can't wait to get regular cable, these channels suck. I think me and Austin will last a long time, we don't fight at all, so maybe being far away can be a good thing. I bet a lot of people think I'm stupid for staying with him
OK. I don't know much about this computer stuff. I was lucky  to even get on to this homepage. Well I just got disconnected and I think my tension level just went up a few notches. I am felling really sick  already and I went this day to end. I was planning to go work out tonight but it is too late. I still have math and history work left to do. I  really hate math, I can't understand anything that is being said. It really makes me feel like an idiot. I look at my friends here and they all understand everything that is being said . I wish my math class in high school had taught me more. I guess tomorrow I will get up to go run. Ok. I just hit another wrong button , now I really feel worthless. I am going to have so much trouble this semester, when am I going to get to the classes that I really want. It is looking like I'm going to graduate college in another twenty years. As long as I do my best then I guess everything will work out. I miss my family and my friends back in Ohio. I wish that I could go back sometimes. If there was anything to go back to. I don't think that they really care that I am so far away. It is like I think to myself that things might be so much better there. Like if I  went back then my life would all make since. I think that I would be confused anywhere I go. Well my typing is starting to slow down now. My hands are getting tired. God, I should have taking a typing class in High school. My sweet mate is  watching late night and it is starting to get on my nerves. It is so loud. please let my twenty minutes be up. I need to get my act together if I don't then I will just be wasting my parents money. Maybe I should give my parents a call. But I think that I will wait for them to call me. I need to prepare for school. I need to try to socialize more. If I could manage more time. Maybe I should be an actor and work as a waiter in New York in the mean time. But there I go again with my fantasies. I'm probably stuck with a boring life like most people. Well my twenty minutes is up, I hope that my slow typing  has ruined this survey.
The one thing that amazes me the most is the  complexity of the female mind. At one point, you think you know exactly what they want, but as soon as you can comfortably assume that, it all gets twisted around and kicks you in the ass. Also, when you are on the flip side of goodbye, you really start to understand the importance of relationships. If you are always on the winning team, you don't know what it would be like to lose. The more you win, the more you will think yourself invincible until you are brought down, and then you feel the most devastating emotion you have ever felt. The only difference is that with relationships, you never think about losing, especially if youre on a winning streak. True, some people will never have to experience being on the heartbreaking side of goodbye, but if you keep playing the game, eventually you will lose. No matter how much success you have after your loss, even if it is a bigger victory, you will always remember the loss you experienced and try to figure it out. I've found myself racking my brain to try and figure out something that I will ever be able to understand. The saying that time will heal all wounds is a load of crap. Time only allows wounds to fester and become infected. I think that relationships are more like getting drunk more than anything else. The more you drink it in, the better it feels. You know that the feeling won't last forever, but you keep doing it anyway, always hoping. Then it ends, and all hell breaks loose in your head. Reality hits you because you have nothing to swing back at it. The only way to lessen the pain is to start working on the next round. The old pain is still there, but youve managed to cover it up with something that will eventually add to the old pain. It may seem that i'm depressed, but in reality i just try to figure things out, and if i cant, i find similarities between two things that i can't understand. Somehow it feels like i've found a solution that way. That or it seems less pathetic.     It's odd that when youre young, you always think that you'll be different from the stereotypes when you get older. When I was little, i always used to wonder why musicians would include foul language and sexual references in their records. My parents didn't like the subjects of many of the songs that I listened to, so I always told myself that if I ever became a musician, I would never include those kind of things in my songs. However, now it is apparent to me (through personal experience) that these things are boosters in the audience's attention span. However, I wonder if standards have changed, especially since the dawn of Eminem. I also think that people overreact to his music. He is simply writing about what he knows and how he feels, which is what i really respect in a musician.
The on e thing in my mind right now is obviously college. I didn't really have to study to get past high school, but I foresee a lot of changes in my schedule, just 20 min ago I did ALL my math homework for the first time in maybe a year. If studying was my chief concern than I would be perfectly satisfied. Unfortunately that is not my only concern. I am originally from Houston, so as much as I hate to admit it I miss my home, and even my parents. there are so many things about home that I miss, thing that I nerve thought would matter, things like going to the bathroom. Well I miss the past, and I am worried sick about the future. How will I do in my first test?  How will I register for spring classes?  Will I have enough hours to graduate with a BS degree in biology?  Will I get into Medical school? If I don't get into Medical school, then what will I do?    Obviously time is the only thing that will answer these questions. but you can not help but worry about them. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a doctor. Well not from the beginning, I have wanted to be a doctor ever since I was 11. That is when I had a brain surgery. After that I wanted to use the life that was saved by another as a tool to save other people. There have been a lot of changes that have occurred in me but one thing that has stayed consistent within me is my passion to help others. The one thing that made me feel occurred when I was 5. My grandfather and I were walking down a street when we ran into a beggar. my grandfather had just bought me my favorite kind of ice cream. When my grandfather took the ice cream from me and gave it to the beggar. at that time I hated I'm for it. . but when I went to sleep that night all I could see was the gleam in the eyes of that beggar. it was at that time that tears starting coming out of my eyes. I felt proud that I had participated in something so beautiful. Being a doctor to me is the best to repay god, and my family, and those doctors that saved my life.  The one thing that I am afraid of is the one thing most people are afraid of. failure. Fear of failure has always driven me forward, it is my opinion that fear of failure is the one thing that keeps this world going. everybody has a goal in their life and the fear of failure makes them work as hard as possible. hopefully one day I will walk out of a doctor as a doctor, who just helped saved someone life. . that would be a dream come true.
It's 5:27 and I am beginning this assignment. It's an interesting one. You never really pay attention to how your mind jumps from one thing to another, at least I don't. My roommate just came in. She thinks I am mad at her and I am a little. I'm always waiting on her and it's annoying. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I was about to go to the cafeteria and she wanted me to wait for her . Thirty minutes later we start walking to the cafeteria and she decides she's not hungry. I had waited for nothing. We get along very well, but I don't think she realizes what she does. She keeps interrupting me while I'm writing this and it's timed. She got mad at me just now because I asked her to be quiet. She left the door open and there's someone playing their music pretty loudly. I really don't like the girls next door. We get along with the girls who live a couple of doors down very well. The one's next door just aren't very friendly. My roommate heard one of the girls slamming stuff around and griping because I was playing Ozzy Osborne. One of them is in choir and she's always doing voice exercises. I hope my roommate doesn't start acting like I'm mad at her or vice-versa. She's on the phone. Her guy problems are pretty entertaining. I try to help her out, but I really can't empathize with her. She has a completely different approach and understanding with the opposite sex. Zack is going back to Graham tonight. He's one of my friends from home. I've known him since kindergarten. I've also been infatuated with him since kindergarten. Maybe he'll decide he likes me too. I doubt it though. That's a depressing thought. Oh well. There are plenty of other guys around here. In Graham there were not even close to as many. Population:9,000. Graduating class: 134. That's why I came here. I wanted to be in a place with many other people. I have definitely found that place. A lot of people from Graham thought I was crazy for wanting to come here. I guess different people want different things. it makes sense. One of our friends from down the hall just came in. She's very cool. She's going to let me use her computer to type this, which is sweet of her. It's very beneficial to know people. Everyone has something to offer. Of course, you have to give also. Some are better at that than others. I know Ive given plenty of cigarettes. Hopefully I've contributed more than just that. I've offered advice, which of course I always thought was good advice. I've tried to be friendly. I've given complements. I've loaned money and shared food. O. K. , I've done my part so far. I think school is going to go well. I just can't let people take advantage of me like I have in the past. I think I can manage the academic  part pretty well. The only thing that is difficult so far is Calculus and that was to be expected. I've been doing my best though, and that's all I can do.
I just ate and am full. I feel a little stressed trying to write in a flow and finding enough things to write for 20 mins. This is probably one of the strangest things I've ever had to do but that's why this class is so interesting  I'm so excited to major in it. I'm having a bad morning, because I slept late and now I feel that my whole day is ruined. It's so weird to be doing homework like this, I guess I'm just not used to this. I'm so glad this class is so different. I also love philosophy too. I really feel like sleeping right now, however my scholastic obligations are more important right now. This is such a pivotal moment in my life, as I embark on college life. Right now I'm actually very proud of myself for getting all of my studies taken care of, rather than succumbing to sleep, as every college student would like to do. I feel like my roommate is really impressed with me as I click away at this computer so concentrated and intent on this assignment. I'm having trouble concentrating because the phone keeps ringing, and Riana keeps talking on the phone. I get distracteed very easily, and am not good at concentrating while there are distractions about. Right now I'm getting irritated, because she is always on the phone with her boyfriend and I cannot concentrate. She's always with him, and I can't be with mine because he lives in college station, and I'm sad because were growing apart, and I can't stop it from happening, and I'd really like to. He's so perfect, but I'm beginning to think there's more out there, and that gives me a terrible feeling inside, because I love him so much, and he's my best friend in the world, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, so I may just lay a passive role in the relationship until I can settle things in my mind. I feel so odd confiding in a perfect stranger like this, but then again no one may ever read this. I have so many confusions and distractions here. My friend is getting screwed over by a guy who keeps telling me he's in love with me. I loved this guy as a friend,  but I've lost so much respect for him, by the way he's playing games with my friend's head. I got my first speeding ticket yesterday, and surprisingly, the only thing I was upset about was the fact that I have to ruin a Saturday in defensive driving. This assignment wears you out-my fingers are aching. I'm really worried that when I finish this and press submit, it won't submit, because I accidentally pressed it before, and at the bottom of my computer screen it says done. My very first assignment , and I've probably already messed it up. I guess I'll have to explain the problem to the professor, and hope he understands that I've never used the internet before, and I am an idiot for messing up. well I guess I'll end on this paranoid note, because I really want to do well, and make a 4. 0 this semester. No one believes me, but I have high hopes and determination, and I won't let them bring me down. Well I guess I didn't end on such a bad note after all, but if that's what you need to make it, then I guess I'll end up ok after all