ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Here I sit wondering just what to write that involves my stream of consciousness, which shouldn't be too hard. Writing for me is usually pretty easy, however this assignment seems to be particularly hard. Maybe because I feel partially tired and torn down from my long day. I am looking forward to tomorrow because Thursdays are probably my easiest days because I will not have to wake up at the usual 9am and oh yeah it is also one day closer to the weekend!  Although I have to say that 9am is also a lot better than 8am, which was time I had to arrive at school during my high school days. Since high school just popped into my mind, I have to say that college is a major leap from high school. Despite the fact that it is more enjoyable it also is a lot more stressful. For instance, leaving your family, friends, and so forth behind. Not to mention your adolescence. I am happy to say that the transition for me has ran pretty smoothly although the major bumps are yet to come. One of my "bumps" that I am experiencing is the massive amount of reading involved, at one point I enjoyed reading but maybe that is because the reading is not usually my preferred choice. Another obstacle is that it it is your choice whether to read or not, in fact it is just another realization that I am out in the real world and everything is based upon my choices. I find that very scary, yet also very exciting in a positive way because I can make my future what I want it to be.
I'm dizzy. This sucks and I feel worthless. How can she do that? I probably look stupid standing here at this window. Damnit! I can't get this song outta my head wish I could play it better fucking idiots. why can't I find someone like me there goes a goober. I wish these people would stop bothering me. Fuck. L. passing by without a glance open the door, damnnit look over here again. prim and proper. outta control. close your fucking mouth. what the hell was that. empty tables, is it open? there's nothing there. come over here and talk to me. not you. yeah you take take those over there. come back. Michaelangelo, where are you? lay down here and look up at the sky. down here dark and dingy, but only to me. that sucks. why is that there? all these robots. God. nothing at all. give it up. was that good? watch where you're going. Oh my god, I feel faint. don't want to be here. That guy must be sick of it too. Probably not. Look up. Down . What the fuck. Oh crap. I don't care anymore. Why do I do that. white shoes. black pen. what are they using that cart for? knee brace. wrinkled . old . grey. pompous and big breasted. fucking lier. I hate people, especially the dumbasses. all. quit looking at my. stay away. I'm hungry. No I'm not. Shit. games. I like to play, but not observe. woh. Tralala
What happened today. i can't believe Max killed himself I'm fine but what about Matt and Ryan What was going on in his head. I hope Matt and Ryan can deal. Horriblr thing to happen. I hope Matt stays in school. I worry about everyone too much Not enough about me. I'm glad I can be the strong one and be there for them. i wish we were all back at home. Right now home feels so far I would love to hug my mom. she is worried about me. her baby away at school. what am I doing at this school. i feel so lost. Is this where I meant to be  Ineed a reason to be here. I'm not supposed to be lonely. Will I ever fall in love I hate being in this room alone. I need someone here with me. why is life so confusing? What do my feelings mean everyone has it so together. Will I? I put too much meaning in everything. Poor Max What a wasted life. He needed someone to help him. I want to be there for matt but he needs time to grieve. I can't be intrusive. I need to stop trying to fix everthing. Its all planned out already. I hope I see Brian tomorrow. He gives me something to look forward to. Hes such a nice guy. Is he interested in me? Tomorrow is a new day. Today has opened my eyes. Don't take life for granted.
OK, I have writer's block. I guess I'll think of this assignment as a diary. Today was a pretty interesting day. I met a lot of people who spoke Spanish, so that made me feel more at home. This stupid bracelet is bothering me. I miss Isaac, my ex-boyfriend. I wonder if anyone's going to read this nonsense, and who ever is reading this, I feel sorry for them. I'm not that cool in my head. My room mate is gone. She is bowling. I wonder what she is doing. Maybe sitting there bored. She is always bored everywhere we go she has this face, that makes me bored. I miss my family, even though when I'm there I don't really talk to them. I guess I'm just used to them being around. I wonder if I'm prone to meningitis? Should I get the shot?  Knowing my luck, if I don't get, I'll be well, to dead in 24 hours. I'm scared of needles. Damn, I'm scared of everything!    Oh, crap almost erased everything I had written. Computers are not for me. What is for me?  I like Psychology. The lectures are super interesting. Do I have any better word?  Nah, interesting is an OK word. I feel so non-intellectual. See, that just shows my inability to express myself in words. Physically I'm very expressive. But I that's what I think. My ex probably doesn't think so. No, he does. I miss reading in U. I. L. I just realized that being in college makes you miss a lot of things. I wonder if I'm going to make it out of here?  Sometimes I meet people just like me and tell myself, don't worry you're not alone, but other times people are so articulate in class it intimidates me. I set a goal for myself when I first got here and I can't do it. I'm suppose to ask at least one question per class per week. But I just can't with all those people staring at me. Once I open my mouth, they're going to realize what an idiot I am. This sounds so cliché. Other people probably wrote all these philosophical questions on their stream of consciousness, like Why are we here? Did Aristotle believe that as humans. Well, I don't write like that. I'm just a bundle of unanswered questions. Ahhh, my back's starting to hurt. I like that guy who walked me to my room. Is that all were suppose to write. OK never mind. That girl from Columbia is really nice. She reminds me of a friend from Del Rio. I hope I meet more people like her. It'll help me sleep better. I've had really bad insomnia. I could be depressed or just a freshman in UT. Maybe both. I don't get what happened to my first letter in every sentence. It disappeared into the left side. What did I push?  OK 40 seconds left. I'm so glad I'm almost done with my first assignment. Is this what he wanted?  I hope I did this right. Bye.
There are mostly worries and fear traveling through my mind at the moment. The college stress has really kicked in now that classes have started and much work is to be done. The work is really bothering me in that the level of it is so high. There are many other factors in my stress including being away from home. In the whole 18 years of my life I have never been away from home without my family for this long amount of time. I guess I just miss all the little things about being at home-the comfort, luxery, friends, family, and not to exlude food!  I have eaten Chinese food most of my life and I can say that the dorm food I do not find to satisfying. And the life of college is so different from my previous school experience. UT is so big and so diverse that it's kind of difficult to adjust to. Some people are friendly whiles others may not be. Failure is also a concern for me. I have always done well in school and my parents have high expectations for me to succeed here in college. I miss all my friends and always think about the past and all the good times. I guess I must start all over here and make new friends and continue all the good times. After all, college is supposes to be the best time of one's life. I also think about what I will end up after college-where I'll work and who I will hang out with and if I will graduate here in Austin. My past two weeks here in Austin have been decent. I have been doing many different things like shooting pool or just hanging out with friends or going clubbin in 6th ST. Also I have been busy I might add. The people I have met are very similar to me personality wise. And most of them are from my home town of Houston. I have noticed that there are many different groups of poeple here. I guess the homework load is as much as I expected before I started coollege but there are so many activites to attend to that I find it hard to complete all the work. That is when stress kicks in again and I end up just trying to rush through it. The class sizes are amazing larger than I expected them to be although I knew that UT is the largest school int he nation population wise. I fear that I will not perform as well in school due to all the distractions that goes on like friends wanting to go out and the many places to go to like 6th ST for example. I guess I will adjust to this environment eventually but when I will I am not sure. Rest has also been an issue in my mind as I have trouble sleeping at night when I have early classes the next morning. I am very tired the next day having to walk so much during each school day. But the next night I will find it hard to sleep again. I hope that ends very soon also.
When is this college life going to get any better. I have been promised a vehicle by my father after i get my license, maybe things will get better. I always thought that college was lots of crazy teenagers doing what they do best, going to partys. Sixth street was fun last saturday, maybe i'll do that again. But i miss the summer where going out and having fun was no big deal. In Europe drinking is part of the lifestyle, no matter what age you are. Every summer since I was 15 i would go out. And even living in New Jersey last year, I would make it to New York on saturdays and they didn't care in the City. Here things are strict, really strict. Not only do i want to go back to Europe, i also miss my family. I hated Jersey last year and couldn'twait to come here and now i'm leaving next friday to go visit my brothers in the Northeast. Its all a big mess. I really don't know what to think. Maybe when I pick up the Audi next week my life will become a lot easier. Atleast I will have a car to get around in. The only good thing in my life right now in Austin ids the fact that my roommate is one of my best friends from high school. We chill all the time and thats makes things easier. This is all I think about these days. New Jersey, my family, my classes, and now my new car. That dps booklet for studying the texas road rules is long and tedious. I don't think i'll ever pass with those crazy questions. It really isn't that hard. I need to stop intimidating myself because its not that hard. Maybe when i get my car i can drive to caly where Guy lives and chill with him. Its been a year since i have seen that bastard. that would be cool since i love the Audi A4. The interior is amazing and the car drives really nice. jUst the leather makes it comfortable to sit in and the stereo system is unbeleavable. The only thing in my way is that stupid driving license. When i get my actual picture i. d. and some insurance i'll be chillin. Maybe I could drive to miami during thanksgiving instead of caly. There i could visit Murphy and go to south beach everynight, where they also don't care if your under 21. The Beach was amazing last year. when we used to fly down from jersey into Miami we used to have the time of our life. Things will get better soon, i hope.
Well, here I go, writing for 20 minutes. This really feels weird, but I  guess I have to do it. Actually I am glad I am doing this assignment because I dreaded doing it and now I can get it over with. It's just that 20 minutes seems like such a long time to sit here and write about nothing. I just don't know what to do and I feel very uncomfortable. Hmmm. Princess Diana died early this morning. I have felt so sad. When I first heard of her car accident last night I tried to pray for her, but I felt as she would not want to live but rather die. I have been reading and studying about near-death experiences and most people studied/interviewed have said that they usually do not want to come "back" after being pronounced dead. Anyway, I think she is in a better place, hopefully there will be no media hounding her wherever she is at now. The ceiling fan in this room bothers me when it is on high. Sometimes I'd rather be hot than have to hear the loud roaring noise. My dogs just came upstairs. I wonder what they are thinking about?  Do they think like we do?  What could be going through their minds?  I know I am supposed to write without worrying about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. , but I do, and I try to correct everything as I go. I keep looking at the clock and time is going very slow. I notice we have two clocks now on the desk. One is new, a prize or rather a gift for purchasing something. This room has so many things in it. I wish it was a bigger room. I like spacious things, I hate to feel crowded. I seem to be complaining so much right now, I guess I am tired and a little sleepy, and get grumpy. Why do we have some many things!  So many papers, junk, wiries, toys things, things, things!  Do we need all these things?  Can we live without all this things?  Yes, we can! Thank God! I can't stop writing but I would like to. Oh well. I just thought about a bakery, H. E. B. bakery to be exact. I keep craving sweets, so maybe that is why. I saw a white cake with pink frosting. My sister also came to mind. Hmmm, this is interesting because she is a professional baker and creates luscious deserts!  It is so dark outside, I hate having the windows closed, I like to hear the outdoors. I love the outdoors. Oh God 3 more minutes of this. I just feel like my mind is completely empty right now. I wonder if this happens when one is really tired?  I feel very old today. I like this computer, I guess I am pretty lucky to own one. I'm sorry I have been so negative, but this is how I feel right now. However, my time is up , hip hip hooray! Bye!
She kind of put me in a depressed mood for the passed few days because she started telling me that she often writes her dad in trying to make her feel better, and it does,  It kind of put things into perspective for me because I wouldn't know what I would do in her situation. well now that I am back in Austin I try to  work hard  and try to get thing s like this off my mind. not that I necessarily want to  because  that   would be bad. well now the people I am with right now are bothered because I am using their computer and I don't want them to see what I am typing, I usually feel this way with anything I do, I don't like any one seeing or reading g anything that I  write, do, or accomplish   the  time isn't really going by to fast right now . I have so much in my head put can't think about it right now. I am a  strange strange  person. everyone always tells me that because I always hold back my thought and when I want to let them out my mind draws to a blank. it gets me frustrated, good thing that I work out to work off my frustration. the life is tough, that is what my dad always says, and it is. I don't know how he made it here and have 5 kids have successful lives. my parents have done a good job, they really have. but know in trying to give so much more than they had it's hurting them financially and I feel that me going off to college is putting an even bigger debt in their pocket book. But they tell me not to worry about so I tell them not to worry about me, I also tell them  that if anyone is going to go in debt it's going to be me. let me pull out the loan s in my name let me do all that I   will   be able to take care of it in the long run. right now I'm just tired of being a burden I know what I have to do and  I am going to do it. I have done this type of assignment before, I once turned it in as a paper, and my teacher loved it, it was more in the structure of  a poem, it ended being about 20 pages long and my teacher said it was outstanding, and nobody even believed me when I said that I was going to turn in that abstract paper and they didn't believe me when I  told them that the teacher actually liked it. and that is 20 minutes.
Today is Labor Day. This weekend I went to my family reunion in Noccona, TX. My cousin, Tracey, is recently engaged. I am extremely happy for her, but at the same time, I am a little bit jealous. I know I am not actually ready for marriage, but it seems so exciting to me. My brother has been married a little more than four years. When he first married, I did not think too much about it. Now, it makes me just a little envious that he has someone to be with all the time. My parents have been married 31 years!  I cannot believe it. In today's world where divorce is a commonplace, I am proud of my parents for sticking together. My parents, about four years ago, agreed to let me have a Yorkie. Her name is Brittnay, and I love her with all of my heart. I was able to see her this weekend, which was so nice. I think I miss her more than anyone else, probably because I get to talk to other people on the phone. Brittnay is the sweetest little princess, and I cannot wait until I see her again. College life is so much different than high school. I t is funny how one grade level (from a senior in high school to a freshman is college) can make such a difference. I really do not feel older. For some reason, I always feel young. When I think about all the petty gossipy things I worried about in high school, it makes me laugh. Once people enter college they change so much. For instance, I have a friend that used to treat girls really badly, but now he is a sincere and honest guy. However, some people change for the worst, which is very unfortunate. I am really concerned about my grades. I really do not know what to expect, as far as exams go; therefore, it is hard to know what to focus on. I want to be a child psychologist. Psychology has always interested me, but the past year, it really has made an impact on me. I love children, and I also love helping people. I figured child psychology was a good way to put the two together. When I become a mom, I want to have a private practice and only work in the mornings. This way, I can spend lots of time with my own children. I also want to make fancy dinners for my husband every night. If I worked all day, I do not think I would have time. This summer I started cooking, and I found that it is quite enjoyable. It is such a good feeling to work hard making something and then share it with others. I would like to take cooking classes sometime during my college years. I also need to find a job. I did not realize how much money college consumes. I feel bad asking my parents for money. Plus, I worked at The Pottery, a local shop in Midland, for a little more than a year, so I am not used to needing money from my parents. My mom and my dad taught me how to manage my monwy. I love my parents/family very dearly. They are the sweetest, kindest, most caring people that I have ever known. My family is also very generous. I just hope that I will turn out to be the kind of people they are.
I am sitting in my dorm room right now, trying to think of something to write about. Although the instructions recommend that we don't do any thinking first, I'm still going to think as I write this intro. You see, it's my birthday today, and so I could write about that, but really that's kind of boring. I'm taking a girl I like to a party tonight - I guess that might be more interesting. Or maybe I should just talk about how my parents really piss me off.          Since about the third month of my senior year, we've actually gotten along much better. But before that, damn, it was a war zone in our house. They would bitch about anything, seriously. I mean, I had great testing scores, brought home good grades, didn't get in much trouble, and they still treated me like dirt. My friend Jackson once told me I should get in a lot of trouble. Then, although it would suck for a while because they were mad at me, in the future they would appreciate my good behavior. For some reason I never got the courage up to do this and continued to try and hide any activities that they would approve of. But, he was right. When they received a call from the police during my junior year, it paved the way for me to ameliorate our relationship throughout my senior year.        Okay, new topic. When I was over at my friend Alex's house one day, this kid pulls out Alex's . 22 rifle. I'm like,   Dude, don't point that at me, turn it away.   He listens, and he starts pointing it at Alex. Alex is pretty quiet most of the time, so he didn't say much. This kid is pointing the rifle at Alex, making shooting noises, while Alex is playing a Nintendo game. For some reason, I had a really bad feeling. This was not a toy - it was a gun. POP!  All of a sudden it went off. The thing was, the kid was at such close range, Alex couldn't even feel the blast. I had to tell him he was spurting blood out the side of his head. I ran to call the ambulance, and I think this other dude went to look for bandages and stuff. Anyway, because of that and one other incident that was even more frightening (but too complex to describe here), I've never liked guns.          My phone's ringing right now, but I'm not going to pick it up since I'm doing this assignment. You know, I bet it's someone calling to wish me a happy birthday. That's so boring. I like the idea of randomly exchanging gifts with people you care about because it means more if you're not expecting it. Looking at the timer, it's about time to wrap things up. I'm not going to take the time to edit this, since it was a stream of consciousness. But thanks for listening and I'll catch you on the flip side.
It is 12:51 and I would really like to go to sleep right now. I think I would feel better if I could just take my eyes out of my head. It's cold in here. My finger itches and I don't know why. It won't stop and its affecting my writing. I hope I used the right form of ?affect? in that last sentence. I hope I don't have any spelling errors either. I have so many things to study and I'm trying to figure out when I can do it all. There's a really cool show on the TV that's on about mummies. It's very interesting. I think I missed Tom and Jerry on the Cartoon Network today. My finger stopped itching. Now my arm itches (and I'm not making this up just to copy the example in class), it really does itch. I need to pay some bills later. I just want to go to sleep right now. I hope I will go to sleep tonight because I couldn't last night. My arm stopped itching. I don't know what else to write and I've still got 10 minutes left. Boy, this is taking a long time. Now the TV is on some stupid show and I would change it but I have to keep typing. I think I'll take a nap after this so I don't fall asleep in class. That Philly Cheesesteak I had for lunch was really good. I'll need to drink so more water before I go back out in the heat or I'll collapse. This humidity kills me. Walking around campus is very good exercise though. I need to remember to take my calculator to math Friday. Well, that's almost 5 more minutes. I mean, it's not a bad writing assignment, its just feels so monotonous. I had to pop my fingers a second. I probably should call my cousin who lives in Austin, but I really don't want her to be over here all the time least she find out where I live. That reminds me, I need to go switch my meal card later and check my voice mail. 2 minutes to go. I hope you don't think I'm crazy by reading this but you probably do so, oh well. 1 more minute. 1 more minute ten I can take a nap. Almost there. 15 seconds. THE END