I just finished taking the prescreening survey and I could not help but feel that some of those questions were ridiculous and repetitive. I'm not even sure that I will agree to participate in any extra surveys even if I'm qualified. I don't feel comfortable being subject to any questionable tests - the guinea pig feeling makes me feel lesser, I guess. I have a lot on my mind concerning a specific event that happened yesterday, and I surprisingly feel comfortable talking about it. I feel alright talking to people, but somehow it's different typing my feelings onto a screen. this screen represents nothing to me right now, I don't know if anyone will ever read or really care about reading this. somehow I'm still making sure that I am spelling words correctly and using acceptable grammar. anyway, the event that I found out about yesterday. involves losing a person that I knew in high school. I can't stop thinking about the fact that just two years ago we were sitting in the same classrooms and wandering the same halls, and now one of us isn't here. it's very clear in my mind that we weren't the best of friends, but we shared the same circle of friends and some of my best friends knew her very well. I personally haven't spoken or seen her since graduation, but I knew she would accomplish everything she wanted and do it better than anyone else. now that I think about it (and I can't stop thinking about it) she is one of the most brilliant people I have met in my life. she graduated 5th in our class, and spent this past summer at Princeton for a research project; definitely someone who was going somewhere. I never thought that something like this could happen to one of "us," the people that basically built the foundation for the person that I am today. I know we weren't the closest that friends could be, but my best friends are wrecks right now, and that affects me. it's a direct and indirect effect, not so much one thing with a yield arrow leading to another thing, but more like a huge web of thoughts that are clinging to me. I'm tangled and I'm not sure where this leaves me. I hate that I can't remember the last thing that we said to each other. nevertheless I was perfectly fine knowing that she was off in her world, and I was off in mine, both separately pursuing the things that we love most in the world. it's not fair that her life wasn't complete enough for her to fulfill everything she wanted to do. it's not fair that they found her the way that they did; it's not fair that we don't know and we won't know for a long time. the truth of what happened. everything is so complex. I can't call anyone; I mean, I can call, but I don't know what I could say that would offer any comfort. it'd be different if I were there with our friends, must to hold a hand or sit next to someone who understands. nobody here at UT went to my high school, and I doubt that anyone on campus can come close to saying that something like this happened to somebody he or she knew. I feel alone, I feel helpless, but at the same time I feel like I'm connected to everyone else who knew her because, well, we're all probably feeling alone right now. college is supposed to help us branch out and find ourselves, become good individuals in this world. at the same time, in the time between our high school graduation and now, we've all become isolated from each other. it sucks that it takes something like this for me to finally feel like we belong together and that the time that we spent together was precious. all time in the world is precious now. things that I was worried about before I heard the news, any stress that I felt weighing on me in the past week has disappeared. homework and little things seem trivial to me. in a way things seem simplified now: we either are. or we aren't. just being here doesn't seem right- but is it selfish to be so so glad that I am here?  I wonder if I deserve it, or if I can earn my place here. then again, who knows if it's so bad on the other side. I see that I have less than three minutes left to stream my consciousness. what a perfect day for me to tell my feelings to nobody in particular, and for them to disappear into a screen as soon as I press "finish," yet for them to linger in my mind still. any other day I would have felt that this assignment was worthless, but I'll admit it. feeling like a part of myself is being put out there-a huge or small risk, I'm not sure-makes me feel the slightest bit better. maybe