ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Okay, I am starting to write for this assignment. I don't really know what I'm supposed to write, but I guess it's sort of like a journal and I'm supposed to write whatever I am thinking. I am kind of overwhelmed by school right now. It is so big here, and it's kind scary. I'm used to knowing everyone around, but here I don't know anyone. Friends is on right now. It's pretty funny. I miss being in Houston where everything is normal. I'm not used to the times shows come on here. This sounds really stupid, like I am just rambling on about nothing. Friends is funny. Am I doing this right? I don't know if this is what y'all are asking me to do. I miss John, the guy I am dating from Houston. I don't really want anything serious with him, but I like him a lot so I am kind of confused on what I should do. Should I have my fun and not date someone I really like a lot, or should I date him and maybe miss out on opportunities to have fun at school. I don't know I am not sure. And then there is my exboyfriend Ricky. I don't want to be with him, but sometimes I miss him. I think it is only when I think back on high school I think about the good times we had and I miss that. I also don't like it that maybe I made the wrong choice in not wanting him and moving on. What if I totally regret it in the future, and I want him back, but he doesn't want me. That would be horrible. I don't know. I'm just pretty confused right now. I don't know what I want about anything. It's hard getting used to everything around here. I miss the show 90210. I was just thinking about it for some weird reason. That used to be my favorite show, but it got cancelled. I'm supposed to go to a frat party tonight but I don't know if I'm going to go or not. My roommate doesn't want to go cause she needs to do work. She's the same major as me. She's a pretty good influence on me. She gets me to go to meetings and stuff that I probably wouldn't go to if it weren't for her dragging me to them. I am filming the volley ball game on Saturday for a live broadcast. I'm glad I am getting involved somehow. I tried to get tickets to the OU game, but I couldn't they were already sold out when I was supposed to get them. I'm pretty bored right now. I probably have lots of grammar mistakes in here, but since I'm free writing, I don't think it really matters. At least I hope it doesn't matter. I'm a little scared about grades. I hope tests and stuff are not too hard. I'm not really thinking about anything right now, so I have nothing to right except that I have nothing in my head. This is a little hard; to right only what you are thinking and not thinking of something to write. I'm glad it rained today, it was nice. I love the rain. Ever since I was a life guard I have loved the rain, cause we got to close the pool and sit around getting paid for doing nothing a miss those days, back in the summer of my freshmen year. Everything was so easy back then, it kind of makes me sad thinking about it, but oh well, I guess I'll make new memories, and have a different kind if fun. Okay, well my time is up.
My mind has been racing in circles about what to do about my boyfriend. He's coming out here next semester from California. It's going to make everything a lot harder. My parents said that they would stop supporting me when I move in with him. I will have to go to work full time as well as being a full time student. I am willing to work really hard to be with Lamon but I just can't see that this would be the best thing for my future. Or maybe it is. Who really knows. It's hard for me to live without him and I don't want money (or lack of) to ever get in the way of love in my life. That would feel really wrong. I can do it. Ok this is what I believe. I need to take a chance on love, no matter what my parents or anyone says. The responsibility is all left on me though. My interpersonal communications class is really teaching me a lot about our relationship. I love that class. It really intrigues me. This is such a weird stage in my life. I have no idea what comes next. So much change is all happening at once and I don't know where it will all lead to. My life could take so many different paths and it should be interesting to see what happens. I miss my family so much. Especially my little sister. I have this strange fear of loosing my sister. She is so important to me. But this is normal. So why should I even be thinking about loosing her? I think it stems from the fact that my dad lost his sister (also his only sibling) at the age of 21. He hasn't really discussed it with me but I think that the experience of loosing Marsha had such a profound effect on his life. He has always had depression problems but I have never known why. But I have always thought of my dad of not liking his life. And maybe I am afraid of falling into those same things I think of his life. When I think about it realistically, I don't see any particular reason that I would loose Vannie but that's just it. My father didn't see it coming either. Marsh was alone in the house and she started a fire with an iron and she burnt in the fire. So I guess that's what I'm afraid of; that without any warning or sign or anythingshe could just be gone. I love you Vanessa!
Here I am sitting in the computer lab trying to track my thoughts. I am thinking that I shouldn't worry about what to think. I am not exactly sure why this assignment is necessary, but then again I am no psychologist. Whoa, change in thought. Now I am thinking of England and of how I wish I could go there to see the sights and see a close friend who lives there. Now I am sad because this reminds me of Princess Diana and of what a wonderful woman she was. I was truly saddened when I heard she died. She was on of those people that you dream of meeting some day even if you are only around her for  a moment. She was the type of person that could make your whole year just by smiling at you. This sadness takes me to other places, I am now simultaneously thinking of a close friend of mine who is clinically depressed and of old friend of the family who was homosexual and died this year of AIDS. I am a Christian and I have strong Christian beliefs but when tragedy strikes those you love the most there is wonder and doubt involving a supposed loving God. Sometimes I praise God for the things he does but other times you ask yourself why. I have always been a dreamer, setting my goals high, but sometimes I wonder if what I want to do with my life is right or if God wanted me to go off and become a minister. Life is never simple but I just try to roll with the punches. A minister of mine once said that some people build up barriers around themselves in order not to get hurt. They try to experience the least amount of pain as possible by blocking themselves out, but then he said that these same people cannot experience love very much. At the same time as protecting themselves from pain they are limiting themselves to a lesser degree of love then is possible. I want to be one of the people who can experience love greatly, but in reality I have been hurt before and there are definite walls to protect myself from that kind of pain again. Whenever you go on a date and you are nervous everyone says just be yourself. I think that is a huge crock of shit. I am a multi faceted person, I don't even know what being myself would be. Is that the self that you express outwardly, where in my case I am jovial and make people laugh or is that the self inside that has deep emotions and is very, very sensitive and sometimes insecure while also being loving and caring. Sometimes I feel like I have all of this love stored up inside of me and no one to give it to. I try not to dwell in these places for any significant amount of time. I think IO like who I am, but its just that I really haven't figured that out completely yet. At first I didn't know what to write, but now I am glad we did this assignment. It is good to get your feelings out from inside when you don't want to tell anyone and you don't have a diary. Bye-bye.
This is the first time I have come to the library and when I first arrived here, I had no idea how to use the computers. First you have to wait in line and get on a waiting list. Then after that you finally get assigned a station to use. I wonder what the point of this assignment is. I think it's just another type of experiment to see what different people are thinking and what affects their thought. How much is someone supposed to write for twenty minutes? People who type fast can take ten minutes and write as much as someone who types slowly and has been writing for twenty minutes. Another feeling I have is that of being worried because I am doing this assignment at the last moment. After finishing it, I hope that I will get to class on time but I should because I still have a couple of hours before class starts. I am not sure what to write now. I have thoughts, but they are personal thoughts so I am not going to write them down. I need to start getting to my morning class on time. I've missed it a couple of times now even though all the material I have learned before but I do still need a review so I have to start trying to get there on time. It's strange typing this assignment because all through high school I always had to worry about grammar, sentence structure, and spelling on writing assignments. It feels like I am writing an e-mail to someone because I never worry about any English stuff on those. The only thing I am doing different is that I am capitalizing some of the words which I normally don't do when I write e-mails. I want this twenty minutes to pass by faster so I can move on to the next assignment. These type of assignments are fun because you can say whatever you want and don't have to worry about anything. I like this class so far. I have always wondered what different people are thinking and what their reactions would be they are in the same situations. Two more minutes and that will be twenty. I can't wait to go back to Houston to visit. I am partially homesick. There are certain things that I want to go back for and other things that I am glad that I left behind.
Well here we are, at last writing the writing assignment. Been putting it off for too many days now, got to take that class on procrastination from the learning center, might be useful. Only five seconds up, got 19 minutes+ more to go. wonder if hell read all this stuff. Hope not, or I'm definitely getting into one of his crazy guy experiments. Wonder if they have experiments to test if a guy is crazy or not. Who knows? I might even get paid for being a lunatic. God! Got so much to do in so little time, haven't touched my books, and already I have a quiz tomorrow. Hope I do well in it. Ahhh. two minutes up. maybe this thing wont last as long as I thought after all. Got to call up my friend to see if she'll have dinner with me. I hate eating alone. though most of the time I do eat alone. on second thoughts, I sort of don't mind eating alone at all. Its just that halfway through the meal when I see all the people talking to their friends and all that I find myself with no one to talk to. Oh well, who cares anyways. once I get settled here I'll definitely have someone to eat with everyday. so I better enjoy the solitude while it lasts. Hmmm. what do I wear for today's meeting. Hope she's there, man!, I got to shave too. One more thing I keep putting off. Only six minutes up, shit!, I better type a lil slower. Wanted to complete at least part of my assignment today but looks like its not going to happen, though I can still try to do it. have to come back from the meeting and do it. I miss my friends, used to have so much fun together. Three times a week to the computer course, that was fun. Miss those days, and miss those times. wonder if ill ever be able to be so happy again. Well, being sad about it doesn't help anyone, so forget it. Don't know where I got this sudden optimism from, but its doing wonders to my life. Not to mention making me more popular, and that had definitely helped my lonely little self to be more sociable. But more is still needed. Why I like to be alone I have no idea, but it just happens, and I don't mind it. My friends sense my depression my loneliness, but they don't know how to cure it, which as a matter of fact, neither do I. Yeah baby! We should definitely have more assignments like this. helps the workload by a lot, though if my finger keeps hurting like this I'm a goner. damn! That hurts! Maybe if I type a little slower. or not type at all. ouch! Got to give It some rest, but I cannot, because I have to do this assignment. If any person ever reads this thingy I apologize for my abbreviations, but I'm a regular chatter so I have to keep the words down. otherwise my finger gets the way it is rite now. Only a few more minutes left now and I'm free. Wonder how they grade people on this? Who gets an A and who doesn't?? Should I curse more to make it look real or should I just write what comes into my head. Well, what comes into my head would be better since this thingy is about. Who cares anyways, he wanted me to write what comes into my head, I did, so there.
I still do not understand why my father after twenty years of marriage to my mother decides out of the blue that he is not happy and to get a divorce. why he feels that he needs to be with that other slut. my mother has been a great wife to him and without her he would probably be nowhere today. he thinks that just because he will give her money that she will be okay without him. but money can't buy happiness. I just hope that my little brother is a okay he is only twelve years old and he gets sad when he thinks about his dad not being there I just do not know how I am going to be ready for my test on Wednesday I have to study way too much for the next two days and I need to get an a in biology I need to do good in all of my classes to raise my GPA I just  hope that my mom does good on her test also because she has been working hard to make the grade my little brother has been working hard in football to get the starting position with his little friends I wish that could just go back to being a little kid when everything was okay with my parents and I did not have to worry about anything but just being a little kid I would not need to worry about anything hopefully he will come back to his senses and come back home
Okay RIght now I'm so worried about many things. I  just don't know what I want out of my life I am just so confused. I know what I want to be but I'm just so worried about making the grades that all I can think about a lot is school. Which I guess is good because they say if you worry enough about it that you'll end up doing good. It's just so tough for me not to worry about everything because I'm know on my own and I have to prove to everyone that I can make it and I can be independent. All throughout my life I've strived for the moment when I can be on my own and not have my parents or anyone else holding anything over my head. Well if schools not enough to worry about I have all of this other stuff like my relationship's with my friends and guys in particular. For instance I came here to Austin with a boyfriend and not within two weeks I wanted to have an open relationship. When he came down to visit I was a complete bitch to him because I felt like I would have been missing out if I devoted all of my time to him. Anyways I know have found this totally awesome guy but the only problem is he is 24 years old and well I'm 18 and I think it's okay but I don't know exactly how he feels about it. I don't think he thinks to badley of it because he took me out on a date and he's invited me out again. But I can't help but think it is because I'm young and he thinks he can have his way with me. And I know he is really nice and such a great guy but I'm just so suspiciuos of all the guys up here because were in a big college town and a lot of the guys can only think about getting one thing!  Then also my ex-boyfriend keeps calling me from Japan because he's in the Marines and he still fantazsies that we are going to get back together when he gets out. And I can't help but be nice to him or anyone else for the main fact that down the road of life who knows who your going to need a favor from.
I hate walking all over the place at this school. My calves are going to double in size and they already don't fit into boots When I jumped horses I had to buy custom made boots so that my calves could fit into them. My mom has big calves too. Maybe it runs in the family. I don't really now anything else about calves. Weird thing to talk about probably, but mine really hurt right now beacuse of all the walking. It seems like everyplace I have to go is all the way across c ampus. Oh well. walking will probably be good for me. Maybe with all the walking I could loose some weight and make my ex-boyfriend wish that he didn't break up with me. Maybe I'll dye my hair red too. He'd like that. Ha Ha Ha. I think my hair would look good red. I think I should dye it but I hear a lot of people say don't do it. I think I should. Sonce I'm so pale I would like to have some depth. I feel like my blonde hair washes me out. I feel like I'm Hemmingway. Short choppy sentences merely stating what's going on around him. His short choppy sentences had deep meaning though. I wonder if my sentences have any deep meaning. Probably not since I have been talking about calves and hair. So it goes. I think about a lot of things. Sometimes I think so much that I can't fall asleep at night. When that happens I spray some stuff that smell like lavender on my pillows and fall right asleep. Lavender smells so good. I also like that color. It might be my favorite. I don't know because I like really deep eggplant. Yeah. Eggplant it pretty, not a very good looking vegetalbe however. Good color bad vegetable. They don't taste very good either. I don't like many vegetables. I like good that makes you fat. It just tastes better. My mom always yells at me when I eat fatting food. Sometimes when I just eat I get look. I miss my mom. I miss my car. I wish I could go get in my car and blare the stereo and smoke. That would be great. It really gets all the stress out. I love doing that. I miss my car. I also miss my cats, my friends, my ex. When I see happy couples I want to throw rocks at them. I don't but it frustrates me when I see how happy I used to be with another person, but in someone else. Then I start to think of him and I get sad. Oh good this is almost over this was harder than I thought. Trying to type really slows down your thinking. But perhaps I am just a slow typer. I probably should have learned how to properly type when I was a kid. I just didn't think it was important then. They should have a service like maids who come to your house and type stuff for you. Another thing I wish I would have done is learn to play an instrament. There is something so refined about a woman who can play an instrament. There is also something very attractive about a guy who can play something, guitar, piano and whatnot. Very cool. Maybe beacuse they seem more sensative. That is very important. Oh good 30 seconds Yeah!! I have so much more to do tonight.
Right now I feel somewhat tired and weak because of work last night. I'm also feeling a little upset because the Eagles destroyed the cowboys 4114 to. And to top it off we lost Joey Galloway, our best receiver. Also Troy Aikman had another concussion and who knows what will happen next. But on a more serious note I'm a little worried about college. I guess I feel like I have a lot of weight on my shoulders, because I want to prove to my family and to myself that I can make it. School has always come pretty easy to me, but this is college and it worries me. I think once I get the first test out of the way I will be fine. At least I hope I will be fine! I'm also having mixed feelings because I quit my job in order to have ample time for college. Things just weren't mixing right so I had I discussed it with my family we decided it was best for me to hold out on working until I got in the grind of college. Life has been pretty good lately it's hard to get a schedule with so many things going on. Each day is a whole new adventure. Some troubles I ran into with college so far were finding a parking place and having to walk ten minutes to my classes. One good thing that has happened though is I have really good classes and professors. I also have people looking out for me and I have made some new friends. UT is like a whole new country there are so many people, places, and things to do. I'm beginning to understand college life. When I first applied to UT I had no idea that it would be like this. I never expected it to be so big and beautiful. Everywhere you walk there is something new to see. Every building is huge and has something that sets it apart from the others. I guess UT is blown out of proportion with me because I come from a small town of 5000 people. It was a city where the most popular people won everything. But here at UT it doesn't matter who you are. It's like everybody starts over. Everybody is giving a clean slate. It's a great chance to prove myself to the people around me, my family, and me.
Well, I woke up this morning scared because I was dreaming! I think I was dreaming that I was being chased by somebody and I was running like hell!  My roommate Kate woke me up because we were a little bit late to school and I jumped out of bed like I was on fire! I scared her just getting out of bed!! hahahaha! It was pretty funny, I guess!! Wow, it is a BEAUTIFUL day outside!  It's all cloudy and I hope it rains all weekend. The news said it would but I really hope they are right!! So, there's this guy that just got up and left. He looked maybe familiar but maybe not! He was wearing a red shirt and he looked kind of silly! Hahahahaha!!  Now this other girl just sat down to use the computer and she looks a little bit irritated!  I might be wrong but she's hitting the keys like she wants to kill!! I don't know. maybe she just type's hard. or something!! OH Yeah!  I had a good time in my math class today. I actually learned something!! It was pretty cool! You know, I come from a really tiny place outside of El Paso called Fabens. This place is huge for me!! It's like this whole library is the size of my town. All the people in it too. My town is tiny and there are a thousand people here!!! It's so crazy to come from a town that the population is the size of a full library! That's tiny compared to this place!  Along with all this walking in and out, I've never seen so many people get together at once and if I have, it was at my 600 student high school!! These 600 students were all four grades put together!  That makes me laugh because I feel like an ant here!! But that's ok. I will grow to be a big UT Longhorn!! Woo! Hoo!!  So,  I miss my little sister. She's 9 years old and I was like her second mommy. My older sister attends UT and she's been here for a while now! Back at home, It was only both my parents and my little sister and I !  When my parents went out I would have to take care of her and I practically did that all nine years of her life. practically!!! haahhahaha!! We all went out a lot so we left her with my grandmother or my aunt at times!! She was who I always came home to to play with!! She always wanted me to play with her and most of the time I did!! I would try to take her to all of my games in sports and all of my track meets!  She really loved to see me play!! She always wanted to play with my team and after every game . "Cyndi, When I grow up, I'm going to play Basketball too, or volleyball and I'm also going to run track and throw the discus. Just like you!" Awwww. My baby wants to be just like me!! I think she's the one I miss the most because I grew up with her and she grew up with me!! WoW! She's so big now!! I can still remember when she was just a little baby!! Awww. my little baby! Oh yeah. and her name is Joyce Lynn just in case you wanted to know!  She's a very smart girl and I can't wait until she grows up!! She already knows what she wants to be. a Marine Biologist!! Can you believe it?!! She told me that!!! :-)