Today is a dreary day. The clouds and rain almost reflect the strange mood i have now. I think my thoughts have changed today. after thinking about what my mom said. I almost feel guilty. although i'm just supposed to be happy. I don't really know if what i am doing is wrong or if I just think it is because that is what i have always thought. I want to be quiet. silent. Reflective because I need some time to think and not be social. I don't want to waste any time but i don't want to look back on my time here and feel that i never had any fun. I think i am doing a good job of planning and not doing too much, but i just want to be balanced. I need to go to that church that Kelly went to , but I don't know how to get there and I feel bad that I didn't go today, even though I went to bed at 4. I need to do a better job next week. I really am begining to miss Omar and my family. Living in Austin is fun but I think I am going to get sick of it if I don't take charge of my life now. I want to do things that make a difference and not just flow with the college life. I want to be different and I haven't found exactly what I'm looking for. I still haven't found what I'm searching for. It is really hot in here. I wish I could turn the air down. but Katy is asleep. She is so crazy. I guess I like her as a room mate, it could be a lot worse. But i don't think she is at all a good role model and if anything she will bring me down if I am not careful. I really want to go shopping but I don't have time. Maybe tomorrow. I want to buy so many things. I have so many ideas but I have no money. Whoever said money does not buy happiness. was wrong. I could have so much fun if I had a whole bunch of money. I would go to all the vintage stores in Austin and have the cutest clothes and the greatest room and everything. I think then I would be more confident to go out and have fun and meet people which would bring happiness. right?? I wish that I was bulletproof. I wish Omar was here. We could have such a wonderful life if he just lived here. We need each other. He can't do anything unless i'm there to encourage him and give him advice and help. And i can't do anything unless he is here to give me inspiration and comfort and something to be joyous about. It would be so great. Oh well, i don't think that will happen. Last nite was soo crazy. But I am glad I went, just because I need to experience all that I can so I can really know what I stand for and am comfortable with. If I just stay here and do things I know, then I will never be sure if I am really being real, or just what I think is real. I need to try everything so i will  know what I'm not missing. or what I need to get more involved in. I hope Heather, Athena and I can hang out more and do things because we haven't and they are my best friends. I think it is weird how we are all here, but we never see each other. I can't belive I cut myself on my bed today. That is so retarded. And it really hurts. I think Allison is soo sweet. . we are so alive and it is so funny how Omar and Ramses live the same kind of girls that live in the same house. Haha - we live in the same house, and they live in the same house. that is so crazy. I can't belive it. I love Radiohead. it is so comforting. At least I don't really have to do chores here like at home. i am definitly free. It is a strange feeling but I really like it. It's like, i can do anything and no one will know if I don't want them to. That is a eerie and almost scary feeling. Sometimes, when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things. I am tempted to think there are no little things.  I hope Omar will write me a song sometime. He really needs to. I can't belive we had that whole talk about little things, and i ever cried! and he still hasn't done anything. I wonder if I just stopped calling him and sending him e-mails, if he would even notice. I would think that naturally he would, but then again I can rarely predict him. He would probably not even mention it, not even miss it. That is sad. I really wish he would be different . He has such potential to be a wonderful , prime boyfriend, but i don't think he really tries as hard as he says he does. Ahh. ohh well, it will work out. I am glad i have him, because I don't want anyone else,. . no one. I a very happy with him and i know we will be so happy together when we finally figure out what we are going to do. Well, this is almost the end. The end of my moments, and feeling. i want some ice cream. . yea i do. I have so much to do today. I love this music. I want to paint. I need to create something beautiful, and be productive. This is actually the beginning. not the end. Here I go. this is going to be one great year. I have promises to keep. and miles to go before i sleep.