Must I write for 20 minutes? Why? What exactly does writing as I think, called my "stream of consciousness" prove? I suppose magical thoughts that exploit my deepest darkest secrets will arise or something. Of course they could if I really got bored because my mind does jump sporadically from idea to idea but who knows? It never stops and I can never focus on one thing for very long before I get bored. I think I have ADD or something because it is hard for me to focus for extended periods of time which I'm sure if that's a fault of mine or genetic or experience because of TV and how American society has raised me. American society is crap. Everyone blames violence on TV as the problem with the current "violent" America. Kids watching violent shows does not make a kid violent. Rather parents not telling their kids that violent shows are fake or parents that are violent or parents that tell kids violence is ok is what makes kids violent. It's stupid to blame entertainment, of course there are some cases where the TV is too blame. We cannot simply say it never does but we also cannot say that it's the root of the problem. The problem is parents and society today. 40 years ago parents would never let kids do the things kids do nowadays. Drugs, alcohol, sex and everything else has become much more liberal. Lets face it, all these things sell and so now we have corporate America where only the strong survive, or get rich, whichever. How the hell can you call this country so great when there jobless, starving and homeless people everyone, including children. Yeah sure for the 95% of people with jobs, even then I'm sure a good % of those people with jobs still struggle to make it. They bust their butts day in and day out to get what they can for themselves and their family yet we're experiencing the lowest unemployment rate in however many years like it matters to those people who are still unemployed or working crappy minimal wage jobs. Yeah, great country America is. I'm listening to this nice piano soloist on cd on my computer as I type for this long 20 minutes and it's quite pleasant. Whenever I listen to this I think about the girl who gave it to me, Marie Tesi. Even though she's getting kind of fat, I still find her attractive. It's very unusual for me to find an asian attractive, well at least in the past. I find a lot more attractive here at UT nowadays because I think I just had a town full of ugly asians or something, who knows eh? Well anyway, I was so "in" to her, never could get her off my mind. I think I have a problem with obsessing over people, well girls, when I like them. I've never had a girlfriend and I've never even had the courage to ask a girl out. I'm so insecure it's not even funny. I wish I could suddenly build up courage and ask a girl out or even get a little kiss or sex or something. I'm no different than any other guy and one good thing is I rarely masturbate so luckily sex doesn't drive my mind and life. I can focus on other things such as watching tv, playing video games and talking to people. I think I want to be a psychologist, the PhD level, so I can do research or get paid lots of money to advise people. People and their pasts interest me a lot, it's freaking amazing what you learn about people when they actually open up to you. You hear about traumatizing experiences and good experiences and stories of best friends and family and deaths and everything else you can imagine. It's all fascinating to me, I love to hear about it and try to piece together how these experiences have made the person the way they are. It's pretty cool to also, for me because I keep being told I'm really easy to talk too. Be it guys or girls, I hear the same thing. So I feel as if I have some sort of gift or something that allows people to talk to me and sometimes that's all a person needs is someone to sit there and listen to another person talk and they will feel so much better. Given I don't know what to say many times but I know how to empathize and sympathize with people because I feel that I've experienced enough pain, hurts, injustices throughout my life so I'm not totally oblivious to everything. I, for the most part, understand that not everything is black and white, there is always a gray area that cannot have a simple answer. There must always be a compromise that comes from both sides or else it will be black and white and life would be boring. Life is boring as it is, why make it more so? A few thrills here and there but life usually is one big long path to death. How you live your life makes who you are and how you are in the end. Is there an end? Well there could be but that depends on what you believe in. Whether it be christianity or Buddhism or Hinduism or any of the ism's, you know where you're going or think you know where your going. So what about atheists?. Well you simply cease to exist. Isn't that a scary thought? You die and that's it, the void. You don't exist anymore. You are no longer conscious and it's like you were never alive. People remember you but you are forgotten once they die unless your a martyr or a hero or king or anything of that sort, but for the most part you are forgotten within 23 generations. And my 20 minutes is up so I'm done.