ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Many Why's are predominant. Why do I seem to feel unwanted at times?  Why do I seem to feel betrayed at times. Why do I seem to feel like a failure at times? Why do I seem to have lost a yearn for optimism?  Many of these feelings come and go but many do stay implanted in my head. My head is just a constant waterfall. Tons of ideas rushing through mixing at a point which creates pandemonium. My head is a maze which produces many blocks such as this Wall, why when my mother phones me I become bored all of a sudden? I love her dearly and I know that she must be lonely with all her kids off to College. It is because she misses me and because she loves me. Why can't I make that extra effort to make her feel wanted. What can't I give her the same feeling that she makes me feel. Emotions run one-sided in her phone calls. I feel a superfluous feeling of want and she must not feel any. Corrections can be made to this but I just don't try. How can I think that I am determined to do well in college?  How can I feel that I will be persistent and successful in life?  If I can feel determined, persistent, and successful in these things, then why is it that I feel determined, persistent, and successful, right before I speak to my mom in order to make her feel wanted and then I fail. Is this a preview of what is to come in my future, not only with family relations but also with life experiences. Will I continue to think "I can" and will I continue to fail? How can I practice my ways to perfect them. How can I execute my feelings and my hopes. How can I make them come true. How many times do I have to continue to tell myself that this is the way its going to be or that that is the way it is going to be and in the back of my mind I know that it will never be the way that I intend it to be. Does this mean that I am a failure?  What does it mean?  Should it be something to worry about. Will my mother some day get "fed-up" with me. Can this defect ruin my entire life?  Is it a defect?  Why do I think about this stuff? Is it just conscious nature? Why all these Whys I don't know, but what I do know is that there is purpose for everything, and maybe my purpose of life was to wonder why.
This assignment seemed so easy at first, but now that I am actually writing it, it is hard to find something to write about. I thought that would spend a little time telling you about my first few days at The University of Texas. I come from a very small town, and all my life I have dreamed of living in a very big city. So around my junior year in high school I began looking at different schools and one of them happen to be here. Well I have been to Austin before, but I never got to really go on campus. As I stood on the south mall and saw the capital, I knew this was the place for me. I had a big city and a big school all rolled into one. As the big day got closer and closer, I began to chicken out. I didn't want to leave home, but most of all, I didn't want to leave my family. I wasn't for sure that I could move six hours away not knowing one single person. Everyone told me that I would never make it on my own because I was too much of a "mommy's girl. " This is when I knew that it was time to grow up and take another big step in my life. The "moving day" finally arrived and I was scared, but very excited. I decided to go through rush. I needed some kind of activity to keep me busy and this was perfect. My family got me settled in and two days later they were gone. I was very surprised that I didn't shed a tear that day, and two weeks later I still haven't looked back. I haven't even been homesick yet. My roommate is having a hard time, though. We didn't get along at first, but I think everything will work out fine. She calls home a lot crying, and sometimes that is kind of hard on me, but I hope to help her through this tough time. Other than a few small bumps in my road, I am having the time of my life. I will admit all of this is a huge change for me, but sometimes change is just what a person needs. Somehow, everything has just fallen in place for me, and I hope it will remain this good for the next 4 years.
The first thought that enters my mind is that I have no idea what I am going to say in this assignment. I have no thoughts or feelings except that I am trying to think about what to say. These types of assignments are difficult for me because I usually concentrate on a concrete task, not writing down random thoughts. Because I am a guy, sex just popped into my head. Because I am male, I hope I do not have to write down everytime this happens in the next nineteen minutes. For the next nineteen minutes, the only feelings I will have are those of confustion and befuddlement, for lack of anything to say. This being my first college writing assignment, I am a little nervous that I may be doing this wrong. I must change my previous statement that I am confused. It is more of a fear that I will do this assignment wrong and not receive credit for it. My next thought was to look at the clock and see how much time I had left. Only fourteen minutes left. Yahoo.   I just wondered if there was going to be a volleyball game at the gym tomorrow. It is not that I like volleyball, but that it takes away the gym at Gregory for playing basketball, which is my favorite thing to do on weeknights. (eleven minutes left. I can't wait). I just glanced back at the prompt and realized that it is impossible to not think about grammar, spelling, and sentence structure. This is not a warning usually associated with a writing assignment, and therefore it will probably be focused on more because of it. I just saw an empty Dr. Pepper can in the garbage can and I thought I might like one, but then I realized that I wanted to finish this assignment before getting one. My next thought was that I wish I had a thesaurus right now because I have used the word "assignment" too many times. Excuse me, someone just knocked on the door. It was one of my roommate's friends who scares me because I believe he might go "postal" at anytime. I had a thought before this person came to the door, but I forgot it now. It's okay because I only have to write for seven more minutes. I am wondering what my "Quote of the Day" will be on my board outside my dorm. I want to use a quote from the movie "What About Bob" but I'm afraid it will be too long to fit on the board. Again, I am having the problem of not knowing what to say. It must stem from my lack of self-esteem. I just glanced at the clock and found that I only have to write for two more minutes. I just realized that I should not have written that down because I could have stopped then and you wouldn't have known but now you will expect at least a few more sentences. If this "assignment" was supposed to show me how my mind works, I am not pleased with the results. It shows me that my mind does not work that well at all. My only "sensation" in the last twenty minutes is that I have to go to the bathroom
Well, I guess that the first thing that I want to write about is that I miss home, and my friends and the guy that I've been dating. Secondly, I've been thinking how easy this college thing is so far, but then again I haven't had any tests or quizzes yet. What else?  Nothing really, basically, it seems like I'm still not in school and that It's still summer because I can do anything that I want to, and not have to worry about anything. Everything is pretty laid-back here, and so I don't really get a chance to worry about anything. I have a schedule of events for the day. And, I'm pretty-much told when I can eat and my classes designate for how long I can sleep, so I'm set. I had an audition today for a singing group on campus, and the funny thing is that I'm not really that concerned about it. Less things are bothering me nowadays. I am concerned about money. I only have a partial scholarship, so that's a big deal to me. My parents don't really have all of that extra money to spend, so I know I'm going to have to do well this year so that I can earn another scholarship. Even that doesn't stress me out much. I've been checking my e-mail and mailbox regularly, and I wish that I were getting more mail. It makes me feel special. My parents call often, and It's weird that they miss me so much--surprising even. I am outraged that my stupid books cost so much. I'm pissed off that everyone here seems to have a boyfriend around, but I don't. This girl on my floor always has her boyfriend over, and he brushes his teeth in our water fountain. Eeeww. What else?  I don't know what I'm thinking. Mostly of whether or not anyone is ever going to read this babble, since it's only for a completion grade. And also I'm thinking that twenty minutes is a long time. My sort-of boyfriend keeps popping into my mind. I miss him more than I thought, obviously. I'm thinking of what Mr. Pennebaker said in class--that all freshman feel lonely, and that they just hide behind a masque of semi-denial. I'm thinking that I've been here a whole two weeks almost, and I haven't gotten to be friends with one single black person, which I am feeling stupid for (this pops into my head since a black girl just sat down next to me in the lab)  I came to UT expecting there to be more black students here. I figured that in a population of 48,000, there would be lots of black students. But so far I haven't been able to associate myself with any of them. Not that black people are the key people that I'm striving to be friends with, just that most of my friends for my whole life have been white because I was raised in a 90% white neighborhood and went to a 95% white school, and I want to associate with my race, and possibly learn to be more proud of it. Anyway, I was just no thinking that I guess that I didn't follow the rules because I've been correcting my errors and revising my sentences all of the way through this assignment. Okay, one minute left. On that note I'll end by saying that I am thinking that this is one of the coolest assignments that I've had in a long time, and that this class is going to be one of my favorites, I THINK.
my duty is to get a date tonight for Friday when we have our mixer that is 70's based. I am looking forward to meeting some more girls than I already know. I believe that this stuff is fun whether or not it takes a whole lot of my time. although I have not had enough time to work out as much as I would like. I feel as though I am losing some muscle tone. the food at towers does not help with the dirth of a suitable protein source the food is extremely inedible I have a very hard time consuming enough food to keep my normal body weight up. at dinner I usually eat with either my pledge brothers or my roommates. my roommates are nice guys even if my suite mates are afraid of girls and this hampers our activities. I have a large amount of laundry to do but really do not feel like doing it. I have to acquire red wing boots by tomorrow or my team will lose the game. school is strange because I am never sure if I have done all my work or if I need to study some stuff more it is hard to judge how much you need to study when you have never taken a college test before. I reckon the tests will be fairly challenging although I think my high school prepared me well for these tests. I need to ask a date to the rice football game but I am not sure just who to ask. the football games are cool although my ticket at the first game had my on the highest row possible. I think Ricky Williams is good although he is not as good as jamal Williams of Tennessee. I think Texas will lose by a large margin to UCLA then they will get stomped by Kansas state. we will finally win at rice but then we will win at the other teams I think although the schedule is a mystery. I can't wait to go home to Memphis at thanksgiving to see all my friends. and my freaking car. I wish I could play more basketball and release my athletic energies.
I really like doing this assignment. I did it in my senior AP English class many times. I think the assignment was really interesting to my teacher, and that is why we did it so often. I am having a little trouble with this one though because there isn't  rally a topic. My English teacher would usually give us a vague topic, just something to get us started. Some of the topics were going to college or music or sports or something like that. My favorite topic was always music. I think music may be the most important thing to me other than loved ones. I listen to it a lot and it makes me very happy. It is very important to me. But I think what makes me the most happy is playing the guitar. I love creating music. I think it is very gratifying. I may not always play real well, but I am always making some sort of music, even if it sounds terrible. The guitar is probably a kind of escape for me. I really forget about everything else when I am playing. It makes me feel so good. But I think I can do some of m best thinking when I have the guitar in my hand. I f I am just sitting there strumming the guitar it kind of clears my head. So I guess the guitar serves many different purposes for me. Lets see. I am trying my hardest not to write about college. It is very hard since it has pretty much consumed my life for the last two or three months. It is mostly because ever since I started getting ready to move there has been so much stuff to do. I am really being distracted by the television that is on in my room. I have terrible study habits that I need to break as soon as possible before I get to far into college. I was able to breeze through high school without studying, but I know I won't be able to do that in college. Of course sport center is on so it is very hard for my to resist. I know that I watch too much sports. I will really watch anything.
I just got up and now I have to finish all these dumb writing assignments. I haven't taken a shower yet, and I'm not really in the mood to finish these things, but they're due tomorrow, so I have to finish these. I think I'm going to go workout later today. I want to be in shape for the crew team. I've noticed myself getting a lot better like being in better cardiovascular shape. that's cool. I haven't played soccer in a while, so it feels good doing something athletic again. hopefully, I'll get in some major shape in not too long. I still have so much homework to do. this really sucks. This weekend was pretty fun I guess. We went to this Iron Spikes party friday night. There were some pretty cute girls there. I almost went home with one girl but I don't think she is that cute. I did have some pretty thick beer goggles on so I don't really know if she was as good looking as I thought. OH well. That just shows my dedication to crew. IF I give up getting some, then being on the crew team must be very important to me. I felt like I was in too. This girl was just absolutely digging me. that's a shame. and then on saturday, I went to a lakehouse, that was a) neither a on a lake b) not even a house. it was a freakin stream-creek apartment. that sucked. These girls that were there were pretty annoying. ONe was really cute, but she was kinda snobbish. I dunno. I'd like to talk to her, but these girls were all too snobbish for me. I was hoping maybe there would be some down to earth girls but apparently not. I hope I meet a good girl pretty soon. I want a girlfriend, but I think I'm trying too hard. I should just chill and hopefully one will bite me in the butt soon. Oh My God! I still have a few minutes to go here, but this is taking forever. Let's see. i have economics, calculus, chemistry, and then of course this class. I kinda want to just stop and go workout and then go out tonight to makeup for that bunk night last night. It sucked. We were supposed to spend the night there last night, but we ended up going home, because quite frankly, it sucked. we didn't do anything, but drink and then just talk. These girls would talk about absolutely nothing. they had no brains. just a bunch of hot air. it was so very boring talking to them. hopefully next week though, it will get a LOT better. I mean it only goes up from here. that was absolutely horrible. I am not in the mood to do any homework at all.
Well, I am sitting here fighting with myself about whether or not I should go out tongight. It looks like i will probably give in and go to the KA house. I don't think I should because I have a lot of work to do. I am excited to go and see my grandmother tomorrow. I miss my friends a lot especially justin. I am wondering why I haven't been able to get a hold of him. so I don't have a lot on my mind, but this is fun because I get to listen to all of the music I just downloaded. our tv in the living room is super loud! I can hear it over my music and through a closed door. Things with bryan seem to be going well, but I definitely don't see things progressing too much further. I am really tired today. I should be sleeping a lot more than I have been. oh well. I need to do my devotional before I go anywhere tonight because I will feel really bad if i forget. I am very concerned about justin. I cannot stop thinking about what our issues are or aren't. I wonder what my parents are doing tonight. I miss seeing them every day, but at least I talk to them a lot. It feels super weird to be away and completely on my own, but I think I will surprise myself at how well I will do. That pizza that I ate earlier was not good. I guess it doesn't settle well because I don't eat it very often. I am so excited about my KIN class. It is so awesome, and I love that the professors are married and christians. That's so great. Paige is really cool, too, and I am very glad that she is in that class with me. I hope we end up hanging out a lot this year. I was so worried about meeting people who loved God, and it's been really reassuring so far. The tri-delts are perfect girls for me. They're so good, and they have 3 bible studies!  Yea!  Elton John is really talented. It cracks me up that I've gotten so into this computer business. It's really fun, though. I got my first email today. Who better from but Sebastian?  He's awesome, but it sucks that he lives in Chile. Okay, I am having a lull. I really feel very exhausted, but of course I will go out as soon as I finish this assignment. It is so stupid how vain I have gotten since I have been here, but I am sure that that will go away after a little time. I am so nervous about taking my first tests. I love all of my classes, but I wonder about how prepared I am from high school, and how well my study habits will allow me to do. This assignment is really very cool. I thought it would  take forever, but the time is flying. So I am very cold right now; surprise, surprise. I think of my girls from Kerrville every time that I begin a sentence with so. I definitely should not do that very much. My mother would not be proud of me.   Unchained Melody   must be one of the most romantic songs ever recorded. It makes me miss Justin. I suppose I will try to call him again right now.
tomorrw i finally get to go home!!! its homecoming and one of my friends running for queen. college is a great exerience so far, but there is a lot of reading, but on the flip side there is also a lot of parties. I've met a lot of fun people. oh my goodness, i get my hair cut this weekend!!!! i am so excited. this is as long as I've had it in a long time. im so glad to get out of my home town. its so small and so judgmental. every one knows every thing about every one in the town. just the other day an article was written to high school extra about how horrible the coaches in my home town were and some slandering was going on and now there are lawyers and police involved. oh well i guess im not involved in that, thank god. this psy class is interesting and thank god for that, because if not i would prob. fail the course. wow ntwenty min is a lot longer than i thought. im running out of things to say, and that is not usually the case. most of the time i can't quit talking and never find it hard to think of another subject to talk about. i don't have a boyfrien and thats because i don't like answering to people and thats what a high school relationship is. my best frien dane, he was almost a boyfriend, we could never decide what we wanted to do and until a week before he left to college and now he plays football there so i realy never get to see him. but we still stay in contact. foolish pride i guess. well that and i was never able to stay commited and i guess that was the real problem. i didnt want to be held down and i know thats what it would have been like so i just avoided it. scared of commitment? a little but who isn't. plus why just have one when you can have many and more. i sound like the typical guy, but i whos to judge.
Ok, so I'm not really sure what I should write for twenty minutes because usually when I'm writing something or doing something I'm totally focused on it. So, I don't know if I can be focused on just straight writing for twenty minutes, but I'll give it a try. Right now, I also have the tv on, I like to do two things at once which sometimes is a fault of mine, because I can't fully concentrate on one thing. I don't like this show, I think I'll change the station. Well, it's been three minutes and I'm kind of of at a stopping point. "You're a god and I'm a god. cause you're a god and I am god and I just thought I'd let you go". I don't actually believe that, but right now that music video is on the radio. When I don't have anything else to think about I tend to sing to myself. I really enjoy singing, but I know it's something in which I'm not that talented at. I'm better than average, but I'll never have my own record. I don't know how people just sit and write what ever is going on in their heads, I mean I tend to think a lot, but I find that I don't think about serious deep stuff. I just think about like what I'm going to have for lunch. I hate this song, stupid Nine days and Story of a Girl. I think it's stupid that Christina Augielar is coming out with Spanish language Cd. She doesn't even speak Spanish. Just Hispanic because Latino music is really popular she thinks that she can put out a Spanish CD. But I guess the same thing could be said about NSYNC, They aren't even Hispanic. But it's ok, because "This I Promise You" is a really good song. Ummm. just 10 more minutes to go. I want some skittles. I don't like those man's sunglasses. I wonder if this has to grammatically correct and spelling correct. I'm such a bad speller. Is it possible to really not be thinking. Like I was just staring at the tv, but I don't' think I was really thinking. I wasn't concentrating on the tv, but I wasn't thinking of anything else I'm hungry. I wish Lindsey didn't have a 121 class. I don't care for eating real late, I'd prefer to eat early, but it's ok, because she's my friend. I like the new Eminem song, but he makes me mad. I can understand that he doesn't want to be bothered by people, but that is the price for fame. I feel sad for his daughter, because her dad has some much repressed anger and the life he lives is probably hard on her. I mean having her mother go insane and then having her parents divorce at such a young age, she only looks 3 or 4, will be real hard on her. This is a really long song. I wonder what it's like to just be falling, to not be sure if you're going to be alive after the fall. Does it fell free or is this impending fear of life being over. Does your life really flash before your eyes? And what does it feel like when you finally do fall? I think I'm watching too much tv. As of now, I'm listening to another song, but I don't think that I can type the words as fast as I sing them. But the song is Kryptonite bye 3 doors down. Well, I guess that's it. It's been 20 minutes and I think I've run out of things to say/ think.