You know, being in a relationship is great. And I absolutely LOVE College. But I have discovered that it is REALLY hard to put the two of them together. I mean, Jason and I have been together for about 8 ¸ monthssmall on the grand scale of things, I know, but it seems like an eternity. In fact, I find it very hard to remember what my lifestyle was like before Jason. He is, after all, my first real serious relationship. And I don't know. I mean, yeah, he is my first relationship, and yeah, it is a relationship from high school, but it is so damn HARD to keep what we have in college. I love him. I mean really love him. He says that he isn't sure if what he feels is love. I think that if you're in love, then you KNOW. So that means that he probably doesn't love me. We're lopsided. So that kind of sucks, but I deal with it, you know? I mean, sometimes it gets me down because when I say, "I love you" I don't hear one back. So, I get depressed. But he assures me that what he does feel is as real as it gets and I guess that's enough to suffice. Maybe sometimes I feel like I just have enough love for the two of us, but other times I become really doubting. Maybe I don't love him either. I mean, maybe he's righthow do you know what love really is? How do we know that love even really exists? How do we know? I mean, yeah, there are songs, books, and not to mention millions of people that attest to its veracity. But how do I know that it's not just a really big "like. "? I mean, maybe that's all I have for Jasona really big like. That makes me think. Because, if it is just a really big like, then where did all of this "love" stuff come from? Do I say that I love him because it's my first real relationship and I just don't really know any better? Am I really just enamored with him because he was my first? Is the fact that I'm questioning it at all mean that it isn't real love? Don't they say that if you have to question love, then it isn't really love? I mean, I know that I would do anything for this boy. And I mean anything. I know that I wake up in the morning and I can't wait to be with him, to see him, to touch him, to smell him, to make him smile, to make him laugh, to hear his voice. I know that when I'm not with him, I am wondering where he is or what he's doing or wondering if he's wondering about me. But, it's like deep down, I know that he's not. He doesn't feel about me the way that I feel about him. And because he says that he likes me a lot, and he's not sure if it's love or not. since I like him more, that makes me think that what I feel must be love because it's on a higher level than that of which he feels. Logical, right? I didn't think so either. I guess I'm just confused. Most guys aren't as confusing as Jason. Actually, for the most part, he's a pretty straightforward kind of guy. But he holds his feelings in and masks themit is really hard to read him. I mean, I'm always wondering "ok, he says he's fine. but does that mean that he's really ok, or does that mean that he's still upset but doesn't want to tell me?" I mean I secondguess myself all of the time with him. I have a really low selfesteem when I'm around guys. I'm tall, so I always think that guys don't want to be around methat they would rather be with a shorter, cuter girl. I mean, Jason is in a frat and he doesn't want me to go to parties with him. That REALLY hurts my feelings. I feel like it's because of a lot of reasons, but the main one being that I'm not pretty enough for him to "show me" to his brothers or whatever. Also, because he wants to not be attached to anyone at a party so that he can hook up with other girls for one night standssomething that he tells me he's done before. That really bothers me. He tells me that he's cheated on all of his girlfriends beforeso how do I know that he's not going to cheat on me, too? What assurances do I have???? How can I trust him? Especially when I know that he's done it before? How do I know he won't do it again? Monica tells me "once a cheater, always a cheater. " Is she right? Should I not trust him? Do I have a choice?