9:55. 20 minutes. time?   Why did I wait so loong to do this? Well I didnt know about it until Thursday, but still, what happened Friday?  Oh yeah, I slept I think or maybe not it seems so far away. I guess its worth waiting since I got to see Elise. God I sometimes feel like we are in competition and I keep reminding myself that  it can't be like that. Of course this is texas where she is a goddess in her own right. I wonder why I have been denied the compliment of a man wanting to get physical since I've been here. Elise I can kind of see because she is older and attractive but I would say our looks are on equal par although mine do need a little outside help to get there. Maybe he just liked the smaller more natural look. God I need to loose weight. Why did she think I didnt need makeup or to loose weight and why couldnt she tell I had?  Maybe she feels threatened like I do. I bet thats it, we both feel threatened because we are seeing each other in a new environment. I kind of want to skip the greek festivle because I am afraid. I'm afraid of being the odd one out. Ok obviously I willl be like the only non greek. Niko,. how I wish I was greek or smatter sometimes. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling strong and powerful. Although I do feel that way here sometimes. Texas just isn't right for my balance I think. Then again this is an emotional time of the month. But no I have been feeling a little off balance here most of the time. I gues sits good to face, but at the same time I just want to crawl back home to paris. Will I always think of it as home I wonder. God, sometimes the future is hopless. Dear god, why do I sometimes feel this desperate?   I know there are a lot of things I have done wrong, but I also know that I have been forgiven. Lord, I love you with all my heart and yearn for a way in which I can get to a church so that I can get the spiritual nourishment I need. I am starting to feel drained/. My father, jesus christ, please help me to help Elise. Help me to ease her fears and remind her that you are still waiting even though she feels like she is on empty. Lord I pray for my father, that you would help him to fight off this cancer. Christ Jesus please forgive me for my weaklness this weekend. After vowing to quit and taking an oath in your name my human weakness alowed me to cave. Please help remind me not to give  up, that mistakes are just that  nad that I neex to continue working towards being free from this drug. Lord Jesus, please remind me to turn to you and look upon you for strength because I know I don't have it. Please give my sisters strengtjh and wisdom as well. Help them to be happy and content in their new schools and to find good christian friends. Lord just help my mom to dela with all of the stressesd of my sisters and my dads probably illnrss returning and her new job. Lord please show her if it is not your will for he r to work and help emily and katie and rebecca not to feel the sudden decrease in time and attention thay may experience. Lord I pray for jUles. my heart is breaking for him because I love him so much. The thought of him tears me apart Lord. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am unable to see this reason but that it is somehow part off your plan. Lord help me to recognize your plan for my life when I see it and to embrace it willingly as I believe I do now. Lord please continue to work in the life of Jules. Help him to see that there is a god and that you are he. Help him to understand how I know for certain and help him to experience this knowing and comunion that I am able to experience any time. Give him peace lord   jesus from whatever may torture his mind. Help Eric and Kate to find the same things too. To be an instrument rather than a hinderance to him and let him serve in the same way for them. time?  10:16.