I am sitting here on the hardest chair known to man. Even with a seat cushion its still not comfortable. My roommate is talking to her boyfriend on the phone. They talk forever. They never discuss anything interesting either. Speaking of boyfriends, I miss my boyfriend. I am going to be really busy this week and I am worried that I won't be spending enough time with him. I have an application to fill out for a girls' group called the Texas Lonestars. It sounds fun but I am worried that maybe its not quite me. "  The girls are really obsessed with each other and I never get along that well with girls. Girls usually hate me. I think because they're jealous and also because I am pretty intimidating. Meagan White probably hates me the most. I wish she would get over herself. God she is a bitch. It makes me insecure when Matt's ex-girlfriends are always still calling him, IMing him, and text messaging him. I trust him but its hard not to be bothered by it. I hope we stay together for a long time. I love him a lot. Geez its freezing cold in here. I think I get abnormally cold. I can't handle temperatures that are less than 73 degrees. Kelly and Chance are talking about getting married. but not to each other. I wonder if they will marry each other? I bet they will. what a boring couple they are. I think I'm too harsh on Kelly. I always judge her but then again she judges other people all the time. She is very racist. She hates our asian suitemate because she smells. But it is true. she always stinks up the bathroom. This is the easiest assignment I have ever done but it does kinda suck because its time consuming. I am tired and tired of school. I wonder if I should stay in business. I don't think its totally "me. "  But then again I don't even know what is "me. "  I only know what I'm good at. I don't really know what I even like. I think I think too much about the future. I always over-analyze things too. I can't help it. I'm a perfectionist. at least I want to be perfect. It seems the harder I try the less perfect I become. Does that even make sense? My back hurts. I'm trying to sit up straight so I have good posture and so I don't have to feel my fat rolls on my stomach touching. I wish I was skinnier. but I can't say I'm totally unhappy with my size. I wish my hips weren't as wide and my tummy was a little flatter. Yeah. dropping 5 pounds would be really nice. My face is starting to break out again. If there's anything that has been a huge pain in my life its my skin. It affects so much of my life and attitude. I thought the birth control was helping. maybe its just stress. Yes, I am very stressed. I have not had time to breathe since school started. And I know its only going to get busier. Sometimes I wish I could just escape. freeze time and come back without it costing me anything. My fingers hurt. And I'm still cold. I'm slumped over now, I give up on the posture and fat rolls. I feel guilty that my family misses me so much and I don't miss them. I really don't. Not even my sister Emily. which is a surprise. I thought I would at least miss her. but I don't. I should call them tomorrow. Maybe my mom could help me with my lonestars application. I have so much stuff to do. I'm scared. Why am I so touchy feely emotional lately? I used to never think of myself as emotional, but I think ever since I started dating matt I have become much more emotion oriented. I think I have become more insecure too. That does not really make sense though. But its like now I have to please him too. One more person to impress. before it was just myself and kinda my parents. but mostly my competition. I'm very competitive. I think of everyone as my competition. I bet that is unhealthy. but then again. what is healthy? I can't think of a single person I know that is "healthy" or has "healthy relationships. " I am almost done now. I'm just waiting for the clock to wind down so I cna start on yet another homework assignment. oh joy! I wonder why matt has not called me back. I need him to lift my spirits and to talk to. He is really wonderful. is that normal that I'm so obsessed with him?