ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Right now I feel really happy and anxious because my family is coming to visit me. I miss them so much. This morning I felt different because they called me last night to tell me that they were not going to be able to come. This morning they called me to tell me they were anyways. Now I feel much better. I even felt like eating. There are mornings when I don't have an apetite. I have been thinking about college lately. I like it here but there are sometimes when I feel lonely. I wish I was with my family. But, I guess I have to learn to be by myself so I can know myself better. Lately I have been thinking about transfering to UTA. But I fear that my classes won't transfer. I really have to think about this one really carefull. Right now I also feel a little worried because I have so much homework to do. I don't even know where to start. Right now I feel like talking to my friends from high school but I don't have their phone numbers or their emails. I wish I could talk to a few of them, to see how they are doing and what their plans are for the future. I never thought that this assignment will be so easy. The thing that I most hate is this kind of assigment because I run out of things to say (like right now). Oh, today is my mom's birthday. This was one of the things I was sad about, yesterday. This would have been the first time I would have been away from home on her birthday. I really would like the 20 minutes to be over right now because I have a lot of stuff to do. The past two weeks I have notice how important TV is for me. I have to plan all of my life around TV. I can wait untill tonight when I get to watch my favorite program. I wish I could be someone famous right now. I don't care if is a model, actress, dancer or whatever but I would like to be famous. I also would like to live in Miami. This summer was the first time I ever visited Miami and loved it with all my heart. Hope one day I will move there and be like all the people from there. They all look like models, beautiful and well dressed. They all have incredible cars and clubs and restaurants. I can't wait untill November when I go to Ricky Martin's concert, its going to be incredeble.
All I can really think about is how incredibly tired I am. My sleeping schedule has been severely altered. I stay up until 1:00 or 2:00 every night studying, then to get up at 7:00 or so to go to class. Surprisingly going back to the discussion in class, I am not especially stressed although I never seem to be. The only thing I ever stress about in Jason, Mandi, and some of my other troubled friends. Jason really is the source of all my stress right now (little as it is). I worry about him all the time. Not that I don't think he can take care of himself, because he is incredibly independent. I just think that maybe if I worry about it, it will do some good. There's my logic as usual it's very skewed. I am so incredibly tired. I can't help but think that if anyone reads this, they must be thinking that I lead the most unproductive life at UT. This really isn't the case. I just tend to sleep during the day, leaving all my studying to be done at night, and then stay up late doing that it's a vicious cycle of, well, laziness I suppose not necessarily unproductive. People can be lazy and still manage to be productive; there is a difference. This difference is vaguely present in my mind, and in my state of complete exhaustion, I am not capable of articulating it. I can't even make a coherent sentence describing my inability to articulate. I have Biology in an hourI don't want to go, but I know I will. I haven't developed that skill that comes to every college student. The one where you can miss class, and not panic, or feel remotely guilty for wasting your parents' money. I suppose this is a good thing though. I am staring at the foam brain resting on my computer speaker. There is something strangely humorous about it again; I can't even begin to articulate what it is. Just a foamy brain, portables, small, and somehow humorous. My sense of humor is rather odd. I have gathered this from several sources: the fact that Monty Python is the greatest series ever made, the fact that foam brains are hilarious, and the fact that I can laugh at anything without having any real reason. Random laughter. It's good in some ways. This doesn't look like twenty minutes of writing, but I suppose that if I have been typing for twenty minutes, then this is twenty minutes worth of writing. I am so smart I amaze others and myself.
I've done alot of self-analysis lately. I realize a few things about myself. I'm a bit obsessive and I believe that may hinder the growth of my current relationship The person I started dating is a wonderful guy, but I take all the small things to heart His dealing with a alot of coming out issues and that makes it much harder on him. The  nature of the relationship itself is freaky even for me here is this guy. I've been  best friends with him for three years now. He and I have been roommates for about two years and it's like all of a sudden the doors of our relationship have flown open. He is now doing things that before I didn't imagine with him. He was a friend now he's something. Do I want this? Yes, I guess. I have talk to numerous people about  this, like Renee. She is a wonderful friend. Her whole entire existence revolves around  one thing right now. Sex! It seems to be a common search for people our age. What if you settle for less, because emotionally that person is so well suited to you. Is that bad or good. I view that as okay. I need reach within myself and learn whether or not. Settling  for less is good or bad. I do know one thing. I do great work, when motivated. I become more goal orientated lately. Setting one tasks and completing it well. It is time consuming  but I believe it will be more beneficial to those I serve. I've been struggling to pick a major  and right now I don't know. I'm so lost I really just need some direction. This school year  has just been really confusing. My whole life has changed in a matter of one month, but I'm happier. Happiness is really a weird word. I think sometimes it just adding a little bit of energy to a  doomed project. Who knows time to reconsider my thought and self image. Life would be easier,  if there wasn't some guy up there scrambling our thoughts. I don't believe in a higher being, but  maybe there is a higher bean. hehehehe!!!! I used to believe in God then during some "clarity" I thought who would do right by making animals who feed off of each other. Either emotionally,  physically or mentally, finding those symbiotic relationships I guess is one of life's little hills we must all conquer. I love life!
This is kind of new and interesting. I have never done my homework like this before. I accutally tried to get on the computer to do my prescreening, but the computer isn't loading the page so I thought I might atleast complete my writing assignment. Psychology is such an interesting field to study. It is my major in fact at this moment. I don't know if I will change though. The reason why I chose psychology as my major is because my family for a large part suffers from bipolar disorder. I was always told by my parents, since it is genetic, then one day I will have to face the fact that I will also be afflicted with this disorder. With my fate already laid out before me, I thought I might learn more about this disorder and how the brain works in general. I never liked the concept that my destiny is laid out before me. I mean, yes, genetics do play a certain role in who the person I am, but I don't think it determines everything. I guess this is only part of the whole nature-nurture arguement. This experiment reminds me of some sort of journal. I was thinking about starting a journal and writing down all the interesting experiences I go though in my college carrer. I am so lazy though, I know I will fail to write down something one day and one day will turn into two days and then I will probably forget to write in it all together. I know it would be beneficial, both psychologically and emotionally if I were to reflect on everyting, but it seems to me the time spent on writing down all my thoughts is more valuable to me than accually having a journal itself. A dark haired man just sat near me. He didn't sit at the computer directly near me. I wonder why that is? Does he think I smell? Does he think that I will become offened? Does he find me unapproachable? Or is he just scared of women? I never understood the concept really. People tend to perfer to sit with an empty seat between them unless assigned or told to sit next to one another. I do the same sometimes, but other times I sit next to the person anyway. For instance, I sat next the this guy who had a richy-rich hair cut in my psych. class. He wasn't very charming. That's okay because I wasn't interested in him in that context anyway. I tryed to make friendly conversation just for the sake of conversation. I hope he didn't think I was hitting on him because I wasn't. He really isn't my type. He is in the business school. Ehh. I mean nothing is wrong with that I guess, but people who are business majors should just wear a sign saying 'I want money'. Nothing is really wrong with that either because money is good to have, but to focus your life's carrer on that seems kind of mundane. I think money is important, but not as important as knowledge, wisdom, and happiness. I guess it is because I grew up having absolutely no money. People may say they have no money, but really I have no idea how I ate dinner. I was that poor. I think it is because of this, I tend to value education. I look for people who are cultured and knowledgable about soceity. That to me
It seems like the same thought wanders in the back of my mind and I lack control over when that thought surfaces. I have other current obligations, e. g. find a job, do some reading out of my books, clean my room, do laundry, call my mom, find my friend, arrange for a ride home, I need money. I can list what I need to do but once I get around to it, that thought surfaces and it overrides my focus. I can't focus on doing anything else, except think about that one thing. Well, that one thing is my boyfriend back home, and funny as it may seem, I think he's the one I'm going to marry. This relationship is just too good to ignore, so I wonder about him a lot. We have never had a real fight where we accuse one another of doing something wrong. I've been procrastinating a whole lot more since he has been a part of my life, mainly because that's the way his mind functions and I noticeably have a tendency to imitate my friend's personalities and mannerisms. I still have a better work ethic than he does. But he gets very distracted while doing work that he's not quite so interested in. I suppose also, I'm always waiting on him to send me a message, email, or give me a call. I am a rather independent person. I don't like to hang out with the same people a lot, and I don't like to do group work, study with other people, walk to class with other people, but I rather spend a day locked in a 4 X 4 ft box with him than be away from him for a week. Now that is what I call companionship. I haven't had a best friend like him since I was 7. I don't think I would be thinking about him so much if he didn't' live 4 hours away. Another thing that concerns me is the way I have organized my higher education. I haven't really picked out a major, I'm not even on a reasonable track. I'm take multiple social sciences classes just because that is what I like to read about but I don't ever plan to have a career in social sciences. I like math too, and I want to take more calculus, and maybe computer science classes, even though I don't plan on majoring in any of those. My major is communications, which requires me to take a lot of writing and English classes, and I absolutely hate English. I wanted to go to UT because I wanted to learn more. I like some of school in that I like to be more aware, conscious and be exposed to new ideas that I would have never thought existed. But the way UT works is you're suppose to be on a track based upon the degree requirements. We are learning in order to work. Why can't we learn just to learn. Maybe I will be a social science major.
right now I feel somewhat relaxed after having seen one of the most gory movies of all-time. The title of the movie is Event Horizon in which a ship is taken over by evil spirits which have been taken onboard through a dimension warp. My brain feels completely clouded over because I don't really want to start school. I also want to bet on football pretty badly. This past weekend I lost a pretty nice piece of change while none of my teams covered the spread. I hope to do much better this weekend, but it has me worried.     My toe also seems to be giving me trouble because it got infected about one year ago but it never seems to get all the way healed. Maybe there is a chance that it will give me problems for the rest of my life. I'm pretty tired right now since it is 1:15 in the morning. I feel I have had a productive day though because I went to class today and got meaningful information from them. Especially in this class. I usually have no sort of interest in scientific things like the brain but the lecture seemed really interesting. I liked the explanations that were given from several things in everyday life. It has also just hit me that Mr. pennebaker said he was from midland, which is also my hometown. I think its a pretty good place, you just have to have a little imagination that's all. I'm thinking that since I ran so much this evening my back might actually be sore because of it. Hell, I dont know though. I could use a nice woman in my life right now, but I am extremely picky unless I've been boozing it a little. It is cold somewhat in my room right now and there are many things that I must take of before tomorrow. I need to do some laundry and do some reading for class. I get extremely irritated when things don't operate smoothly. I wish I knew more about computers so that I could take care of my email problem. A nice cheeseburger would be excellent right now but I dont really want one do to the fact that I'm trying to lose a few lbs. Im debating whether or not to turn the TV on and watch a movie or just go straight to bed. Last night I almost got in a fight with one of my pledge brothers and to tell you the truth. I think the guy knows I could have killed him because he is not crazy enough to take me. I'm really not in a position            do some work for a good cause. I need a damn job so I can get some money to pay off some debts and be in good standing with my parents. One thing I've noticed recently is that everyone talks bad about people behind their backs. I mean I've sat down and talked bad about probably everyone I know. People pick out one person's weakness or what they consider to be a weakness and bash them pretty good when they arent around. I know people say stuff about me when my back is turned but hey so did i. I figure its nothing to think about to seriously unless someone is spreading lies. That is bullshit. I've been writing now for 22 minutes Ill stop. is there any that I could
why in the world do we have to do everything online? I don't have a computer yet PC Mall told me that the one that I wanted would be at least a month because it's backordered. My friend is singing bad German grammar phrases. Megan, Lori, and I just ordered a pizza, and now we're worried that we will get fat. She's still dancing like a complete moron she thinks that she is a hummingbird. I think that I will party hard on Saturday night but not as hard as on last Friday. I got really inebriated and bruised myself in several nondiscreet places. Lori is trying to dictate what I should be writing, but this is my assignment, not hers. Megan smokes crack, and Lori likes to hum really bad show tunes. Lori, please turn the light back on. Melanie just came in wearing an American Outpost shirt. I think that this computer does not like me very much. This Cure song is so wonderful. I'm going to Poly Esther's on Tuesday so that I can shake my groove thing to some quaint 80s tunes. Simple Minds, Jimi Hendrix, Aerosmith, Boston, Culture Club, The GoGos, TheB52sthey're all wonderful! I think that I need to go shopping for some new clothes sometime soon. I should have brought my music down here. Would I wear a black lace skirt with nothing underneath? Probably not, but I wouldn't put it past myself. Megan loves to hump monkeys, and Lori likes to screw donkeys. The pizza man better hurry the hell up I'm starving! This room is really freaking cold (chilly is not cool). The music just got louder, but it's not any better. I don't think that I would look very good in a charcoal gray skirt. Red is definitely my color. My radishes were growing mold, so I threw them out. Old Navy is for high schoolers, Gap is for college kids, and Banana Republic is for the working world. How much longer do I need to type on this damn computer? I would rather write by hand any day. I think my eyes are glazing over from the absurd brightness of the screen. Oohback cramps! My vixen red nail polish is chipping time to redo. random thoughts are running through my head. rings on my fingers but no bells on my toes Megan has a rash on her leg. Big bruise on my thigh. Now I'm just making stuff up. Are my 20 minutes up yet? Guess not. When I start typing randomly, I don't make any sense. Ladybugs everywhere. Ska is fun. Come on Eileen. I'm out of things to talk about now it's all going downhill.
Well it's hard to pinpoint my first thought as I begin to write, as it would be hard to pinpoint one thought that I have at any one time. I think constantly, usually about things that I should or shouldn't be doing at that time. For example, I constantly think about things I should be doing to help myself apply for medical school, like joining organizations, volunteering at hospitals, or studying to have that 3. 6 or higher. It seems like I'm always on the go now. This summer was pretty leisurely and then I move down here and I try to work the same hours taking 12 hours instead of 3. It's not the best thing for the soul. Speaking of soul, I try to go to church when I can and I feel guilty when I don't, but I haven't found the chance to go yet. And I hate making excuses, but I do a lot. I just watched a TV show on MTV called Austin City or something like that. It really excited me because I'm from a really small town, which  I don't think ever makes the news. I have been really impressed with UT and Austin so far. All my professors have been great and I can learn from their lectures. I went to North Texas for two years, where I had to learn most things on my own. I transferred with Express and it is a lot harder down here. The manager is a lot stricter; I can't lean!  I'm going to cut my hair off this Friday, but I don't know if I should. But, on the other hand, my hair causes me to get really hot and sweaty. I have already made the appointment, so I guess I will go through with it. I can't imagine how boring this must be for yall to read,  but I guess it could get pretty interesting depending on the students  I guess you can tell how confused I am all the time. It shows in my writing how often my thoughts conflict one right after the other. Writing this hasn't taught me that though, I already knew I was confused.
I am so glad to be home this weekend but at the same time I really feel like crying right now. I don't know what is wrong with me . I don't want to go back to school I really hate it there. I really just wish that I could make some friends it seems like everyone already has made new friends and they don't want any more. I just can't be the type of person to go uot and meet new people. but I may not even be here next semester so what is the point of making friends if I will be at a different school in a month. atleast I have Adam there with me at school I am only happy when I am with him but I can't be with him all the time I have got to live my own life. he says that if I hate the dorm so much that I should move in with him but I am really scared to , I think because I am afraid he will get tired of me. iam also worried that if I change schools next semester that he will give upo on us and want to be with someone that he has there with him all the time. he says that he doesn't want me to leave and I believe him buthim saying that is really unfair to what I want. I am just not happy there at school and he shouldn't want me to stay there just because it makes him happy. atleast things are better now than they were when I first moved to austin . I know that I cried a lot and it was probably annoying but carrye didnt have to yell at me about it she is my friend and my roommate and she should understnad that the transistion to college is not that easy for everyone. I am scared to talk to her about anything because I am afraid she is going tro jump down my throat again. I wish I was good at talking back to people and that I wouldnt let everyone walk all over me . but I can't help it I don't know what to say to people when they trake advantage of me. I don't want to make them mad at me but what can I say . the few times that I did talk back they embarrass me by making it seem like my fault, and like I am freaking out. why are people so mean. I am so ready to just be married and have a job and live my life and not have to follow everyone's rules no one seems to understnd me but hey thats ok I don't even understand myself. I just want to be happy and I am not happy right now and now that I am home I want to go back to school because I feel to growm up and mature for my friends that are here. I will figure it all out one day