How do I feel?  Well each day is different, sometimes overjoyed with excitement and fullfillment with myself and life. Everything seems ok. But very often such as today I feel lonley and unfullfilled and unsatified. I don't lnow if it was because my roomate went out of town for the weekend but the thought of waking up alone gives me a sick empty feelong in my stomach and my heart. I was just thinking the other day why it is that people especilly women ,girls, always like to sleep with stuffed animals? I personaly have never really felt the need to until recently. It is comforting, taking the place of something or someone that is missing from life. I have never been in a serious relationship and I find myself more and more thinking of what it would be like and I often pay attention to other couples or people who appear to be together happily enjoying eachother's company, caressing each other, attentive and sensitive to theother's needs. A special unspoken bond between them. I am jeolous and I don't know why it is that I don't have that. I don't think that I have ever felt this need so strongly before. I am not a very affectianate person. I have never really been. It seems awkward to me to be so, but I feel this untapped very sensitive affectionate part of me that wants to be unleached. I love people so easily. I know that we are flawed with imperfections and sometimes when I see someone as they really are, when there are not hiding behind and image it is easy to love them and see how other's love them and why god loves us. These thoughts make me feel peaceful. But sometimes I am scared that I am over my head, that I see to deep into things. I see corruption, evil that goes to far, in the world and in people. I don't want to be afraid of it because I still believe that good will overcome but it scared me to see that way that society seems to just accept everything, good and bad. I think we should acknowlege it's existence but condemn it as well. It seems so easy just lose yourself in it and I see people do it all the time. It is hard to keep a level head about thing the more you see of them. " the more you know the less you believe" But I want to beleive and I do. Yet I cannot ignore what is there. I think that my mother does in a way and she has chosen her point of veiw, a way for her to exist peacefuly in the world and not get lost or confused by it. But to me she seems sheltered and I don't want to live like that. I think I may have a brady bunch family. I believe that I am really lucky. My parents are still together, still in love. They have each other to get through life with. To tell each other that everything is ok and that it is not so bad and that no matter what they are together, and that is enough for them. The rest of the world is irrelevent at times and it is their own creation of a world that they live in. They don't see what they don't want to see and are perfectly content. I am different however and quite alone. I know myself though. At least I have that. I want to take a bigger part in the world than my parents. I want to make an impact on the way we all live. I want to make it better. It's so odd that everyone seems to say that or begins in life beleiveing that they can and so many give up and don't or get lost in what they are trying to help and change, losing sight of the big picture. I am afraid that I will. I don't want to be alone. I get depressed and my energy and motivation sink away from me when I think of trying to do anything on my own. I want to find someone who shares this ideology, someone who will see me as  I am and as I will be. I want to grow together with someone. Maybe why I haven't had a serious relationship is because I am judging to soon. I always think about why they aren't the one, even before I give them a chance, and I am too picky. I am a walking contradiction. I will turn away anyone who is not the cute big manly type and then I will turn away the cute big manly type because they are too self involved and not sensitive enough or too physical. I can't see to find the right combination. I did find it!   I found it and then I lost it. I don't even know what I did really. It was imposible from the beginning and I knew that. He lived five states north. We are in two totally different worlds. I only talked to him on the phone and I knew that I loved him. It makes me teary-eyed to think of what I could have had. I had woanted to see past these limitations and boundaries and make it work and so did he. He was all for it. He inspired me and made me believe that it would work. I beleived in him, in his words, perhaps folishly, naively, and then the bomb dropped. What I had hoped had finally come true only lasted a month and we called it off. The relationship had no where to go but down. I wish I thought about it rationally and protected myself, but I am also glad that I took the risk. I would be the same today without my experiences. I know that but looking back it seemed so obvious the outcome. I set myself right up for a fall. I knew all along that someday we would break up but I didn't know it would be so soon. I thought maybe it could by some miracle last. Now I still think of him often. I can't help it. I have never felt the way I do about him for anyone else. I am afraid of getting into another relationship but more I am afraid of  caring so much because I think that I have a big heart and it is so easy for me to get attached and to love. I guess that has to do with being young. I don't think it is as easy for people as they get older. I think of this today and I am sad. I don't know if sad is the right word for how I feel because I am not unhappy really just incomplete. I want a fantasy I suppose. I want to meet someone who will see right through me and we can teach each other about each other and become better people. I want him to pick me up and hold me and for me to feel safe and certain that everthing is how it should be. I want him to see only me and make me feel special. I want him to think that he has never met anyone else like me and I am the greatest creature on earth to him and he will be the same to me, and nobody else can compare, nobody of the opposite sex seems as appealing. When our fingertips touch there is a tingling electric sensation, when our eyes meet we see the inner most parts of eachother and the world, the world we create around us. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want outside influences to braek us apart. I want a dream I am smirking at myself the way adults do when the go along with what you say and they are really thinking how niave you are how much more they know and it amuses them the knowing of what you are sure to find out through experience. I hope they are wrong though. I want to beleive that this could happen. "In the real world. " I doubt it is that easy but I wish it were.