well here i am, just sitting and typing. I've had a pretty long day, in fact. it was pretty horrible! thursdays are my really long days - I've got class til 7, what a drag. but the great thing is that im done for the week!  hmm, but tonight was a letdown. i was supposed to go out with this really really hot girl, but i found out that she was working - i mean, not that we had this planned, but my best friend has been pushing me to ask her out because, according to him, shes 'dying to get with me' - whatever. shes incredibly hot, and every guy wants her, so why would she want me?  thats what i think anyway. matt, my best friend, says that shes called me the hottest asian guy shes ever laid eyes on. i think thats a pretty big stretch of the truth. i think i really do have self esteem issues underneath it all. i just broke up with my girlfriend of 8 (or 9?) months. it happened over the summer. i was really in love with her. i could venture to say that i still am, but that would further jeapordize my . 05 percent chance of staying friends with her (sarcasm) - we were really good together, and when we parted ways for the summer we both cried. we had just said the big L-word that month, and in my eyes at least the relationship was just getting good. then the summer started. i was here, being back in school from a semester hiatus (to find myself, i guess. and it worked, because now i know what im doing) - thats a different story. things started out great, we would talk to each other on the phone and online whenever we could. then one day i noticed that it had been a week since we had talked to each other. this was test week for me, i believe, so my attention was elsewhere. but that isnt the reason we broke up, it was just the reason that i didnt see what was happening - when i noticed that maggie (my ex) hadnt called in awhile, i became worried and called her. she was very distant. it continued this way for another month, and i think i talked to her once during that month. then she came to visit me, and i was really excited because, while i could feel that the relationship was straining, i thought that once we saw each other things would go back to normal. boy was i wrong!  maggie walked up to me with tears in her eyes. she was hiding behind a pair of sunglasses though. the shock put me into a state of complacency. first, i totally brushed off her crying and was oddly cheerful, then she said 'let's take a walk' and it hit me like a brick wall. but i wasnt ever sad, because. i coudlnt be, i coudlnt make an emotion at all. i think that it was the closest that I've ever been to being a vegetable. all i could do was tell her things i didnt mean, like how i loved her and just wanted her to be happy, and that i wanted to be with her but not if she wasnt happy, and i could only be happy if she was happy. basically, i said the exact oppossite of everything i felt. no, i did not want to break up, yes i wnated to make things work. her reasons. her reasons were that we never fought. that we never did anything. that all we did was just be with each other and nothing else. that she had been very unhappy and got into a self-destructive lifestyle that made her look as bad as she felt. furthermore, while she was at home she made a lot of new friends and for once she felt like she was accepted. i think i hit everything, im not sure, but all her reasons made no sense to me - ok, we never did anything, but 1) i always wanted to go out, and she was always too tired. she would crawl into my arms and we would just lay in bed, watching tv 2) she came over to be depressed with me, and she got what she wanted, i mean, there was nothing i could do to make her have fun. and she was unhappy, but so was i (i was kicked out of school!) - put 2 unhappy people together and. well you get the idea. but you know what? - i saw that too, and i wanted to make things work this fall, because i knew that we would both be better individuals (damn my optimism). and she said that she got into a self-destructive lifestyle (she meant eating takeout all the time and just sitting on our asses, doing nothing, gaining weight) - 1) maggie is incredibly good looking, very pretty, and i told her that a lot because its true. she has a very low self esteem, just like i do, so maybe im being a hypocrite. and the 'weight' she gained was easily lost as is apparent by the last time i saw her, about 2 weeks ago. and the last part is the coldest one of all, but i don't think i meant much to her, i mean, i was her first boyfriend, and i thought we meant a lot to each other, but i guess when i told her how great she was, it meant nothing. it wasnt until she had a whole bunch of random guys back home tell her that it sunk in, and i guess suddenly she saw all these other choices. really, all her excuses boiled down to the fact that she HAS her pick of any guy, and that all of a sudden her love and affection for me seemed, to her, to be misplaced. i just think that i was thrown to the curb for someone better, but who knows!  im still in love with her, and im trying to chase after ashley for all the wrong reasons. just because i need a girl in my life. but more than anything, i want maggie back. god, were not even friends anymore, and thats what we were both trying to never