So here I sit in my room just wondering about this asignment and and what it is I'm really thinking, well. I'm thinking of days that seem so far from where I am, the hope of the past I guess you could say. I'm wondering about the possiblitys of the future, I'm thinking about what a friend once asked me not to long ago,   what is your purpose for living?  . I told her I had none. That today I awoke for no other reason than the hope of tommarrow. This was a lie of course, I have purpose, a goal, just one that I am now comming to relize I can't reach. So what do I do?  I think thats what I'm think about most, what now. I'm also injoying a beautiful view outside my window of a world rolling by, sun shining, others walking by, and I wonder what story they have to tell. I need a cigeret. Hold on. God bless nicotine. It is wonderful drug. Many of my friends worry about me dieing because of it, but hey, what am I going to do today about it, nothing. I can fix it tommarrow, maybe thats the root of my bad timming, that always just wait for some other time. I'm considering what I should do about the Z delima, to go friday and just be in a state of medium pain, or to go do something else, something fun. God I hate her friends, and all there insocients and Nieveness, if thats a word. I really don't think I can handle there crap, and I deffinatly can't handle matt trying to be everyones friend, and the center of atention and honestly I don't know what to do. I'd like to go off on him tell him what I think of him and all his crap but I don't think it's my place, well not yet anyway. I need to go buy books. But I probly wait until tommarrow. hehe. Anyway. So there I was in the mists of a great opertunity and I didn't let it pass me by and yet I'm still here. Whats up with that. What is the point of endless philsphy of optimisum if nothing ever comes of it. A whole spewing of quotes just entered my mind, but I really don't feel like typing them. Ok. Now what. I see myself at a quite a problematic state in my life, no where to go, nothing to do,   never felt so alone, never felt so alive.  but then again. But there must be a way, a path, a right choice, but I just don't see it, no clear cut answer, well at least not one to my liking anyhow. A regular Kobi oshi Maro, no win sinerio. Well crap!   What to do. I have very few options at this point, go no go, wait see, leave, forget remember, give, take, sacrifice, avenge. What to do?  Well there is always another option, a path less taken. Away out. I just don't see it, I need to see it, need to free the mind of the wants and needs of myself, seperate, and ingage. What to do?  Ok, best case sinerio I don't do anything, just go with the flow, and most likly I'll get shit. I do something and things are only worse. I leave, and I make everyone pissed. Give and I hurt, take and I hurt others, forget. If I could forget I think I would, but you know, that really never works for me. I can hide, I can wait, but to forget, to let go. never been something I'm good at. I have gotten lots of advise, all of it the same, wait and see. but that just doesn't work for me, though there really is no other alternitive. So I go, I say hello, I leave. Thats what I'll do, and then, I'll go get drunk, always a good idea, yes. Ok so now what. I'm think of writting, but still feel really burnt out after the summer of writting, and all that crap. I really don't have anything to say either. I mean really what is there to say, I'm sad, I'm not at the top of my game. But that will all change, and I think that frustrates me. That there are no absolutes, that given time everything will not be as it is. Some thing will be, but there is always the possiblity for change, the question becomes what do I do to influence change, how do I minpulate the forces that are present in my own life, ussally I'm very good at that, but lately, I guess it's just to complex right now, no conret ansers to what and when and where, and how. But I see them in other peoples lives, maybe I've lost disipline, I let go for to long, and need to take up the