ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Ok. I really don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I am just thinking. Hmmm. What am I thinking about. my stomach is growling. oh look its my jeremy camp cd I have not listened to that in a while. I wonder if carrie and I will drive to the concert in abilene on thurs. I don't want to make her go if she does not want to. hmmm. thirsty now. why is this water bottle green. that color is not so great to look at. interesting. thank goodness its friday. I miss home. college is not as easy as I thought it would be. its too quiet in this room. I can't stand it being so quiet. I want to get up and have someone to talk to but no one is here. What is up with my stomach. Its jumping around in knots. Goodness gracious. Mmm. M&ms look good in that cup over there. Ok. Five minutes have passed. it was not so bad. I have so much to do today. I have to get my cell phone fixed with some more minutes. I wonder if they will make me sign another contract. My mom might be right about that. I need to make a list. Right after I am done with this that is what I will do. Wonder when Carrie's class ends. I bet she is sleeping. Art history can't be that fun. My mouth is watering because of all of the hunger. What am I to do. Its all about willpower. The football game is too early tomorrow. I need to figure out if I need to move my car out to the garage. Why don't the stupid people keep me informed. Its crazy, I pay 650 for a parking space but you have to move it on game days. Craziness. Its cold in here. I need a jacket. O, the blanket will work. Wonder what texture this thing is made out of. I will turn off the fan. That will help. hmm. It is hard to consciously think about your thoughts. Who would have thought. I wonder how long that helium balloon is going to stay up. It has been four days. My foot itches. I miss Josh. I wonder if he will call today. Hopefully he got my letter. I wonder what he is doing. ok I need to stop thinking about him. I can't look at these pictures on my board. They just make me sad and reminded of home. I hope Britt is doing alright. I wondered why little Josh imed me. I bet he is asking me a question about a girl. Hehe. He is such a cute little boy. Hopefully he is doing alright too. Ok now I am bored. Why is that highlighter on the floor. Is it mine or Carrie's. Must be mine. Fell out of my bag. I need to read today. Maybe take a nap first. Have to go to the store and get a new earring because my ear hurts. Its no good. Why does it have a big lump on it. I think it must be infected. Wow. That was a slow minute. Need to talk to mom about some money and paying Carrie back. I need to find that paper that says the stuff. so much to do. Those are some pretty trees outside. Austin does have better weather than Houston. Hope it does not rain more today. well time is up. bye.
class lasted all day today. on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class from 8-5, 8 is to early 5 is to late. I like earlier classes its easy to concentrate in the mornings. I worked out today  I think I hurt my elbow there is alot of pain in the  joint. I have been lifting weights for a long time maybe that has something to do with it. lost 7 pounds today, I now way 310 lbs. my mother thinks I grew another inch I dont know maybe. this typing is really bothering my elbow, damm thing really  hurts. I think I am going to take some aspirin. I've got a biology test in two weeks, lots of studying to do. first test should not be so bad just a review of chemistry. the class moves pretty fast but the  professor is pretty good. the seats in that class are way to close together. I am about 6-5 maybe a little more and my knees push right up against the backs of the chairs. it makes it hard to concentrate after about 20 min. all my other classes the chairs are pretty comfortable. I hope we beat UCLA on sat. I hope the d defense can hold Jimmy Hicks under 200 yards. James Brown might not play, but Watson is a good back up. Ricky will have a great day and will kick ass.
I feel strange because I'm in a world of completely new things. I tell myself that is all the same from any other people or situation, and it is in a way because if I always look at myself from an aerial view I will only see myself as one of the others, that we are all masses of tissue. But this is difficult because I know that I am myself, in a sense, and that really, everything will happen to me and the only way I can interpret the stimuli is by the way it comes to me, pertains to me. I don't want to be selfish, in the other respect of that word, but by thinking about myself I know that I therefore am selfish. I was depressed for a few days because I did not want to let go of another person. It was so much bullshit that I just finally sat on the roof and sorted everything out, looking at the stars. I came to the conclusion that I didn't need that right now, and that I was only cheating myself by believing this. It is strange because I have such problems with that. I realized recently that I have not reached the belonging. stage of life. Or maybe I reached it by not even trying, when I was very small, but I think ever since school started in kindergarten, as far as I can remember school wise, so maybe I have recessed back under that level of substantial importance. I'm having trouble being myself because I know that I don't even know myself. I do in a sense, but I sometimes think that it is just what I want to tell myself I'm like, and that I try to make myself the person that I think other people will like to see. Then I think that has everything to do with the belonging. factor. I am ultimately working towards self actualization. But I'm trying to be realistic in thinking that it won't be until I'm older like in my thirties. But it doesn't have to be that way. I don't want to feel like I can't do something, but I think how young I am and I think that I'm still just a little kid, and that I will have to work on this a lot more. I don't want to accept myself so I don't let others accept me. Its so hard, and winding. but now I know what I have to do, I have to find what it is that will make me chill out and respect myself and others. This is the key to passing the belonging stage of the cycle towards self actualization. I just need to stop worrying about shit like this and just be happy. And now I know what I have to do.
My day has been a really good day today. I meet up with my ex boyfriend and went out to lunch with him at the Central Market Cafe. Then we began to talk about the idea of seeing other people and we got in a relatively big argument. He accused me of seeing another guy and I told him the truth that I was seeing another guy. We talked to each other and told ourselves that we were going to try and fix and mend the relationship that we once had. It made me feel a lot better about myself because for the past couple of months I have been feeling very depressed and gloomy about myself. I wanted to talk to somebody and when Nick came around and wanted to talk to me for the first time in a long time about the problems that we were having it made me feel a lot better. Nick is my ex boyfriend, just to let you know. The when I got home I started thinking about how far behind I was on all of my school work and I began to stress out about all of the reading and studying that needed to be accomplished in such a short time frame. Then I was thinking about what my Health Promotion teacher told us about relaxing to alleviate stress and other worries that we are having with our lives right now. So I am just now beginning to calm down about my school work and the other stresses in my life right now and trying to pace myself so that I can stay ahead. So I am finally getting to this writing assignment that I had no idea about until last Monday. This just added to the stress that I was feeling about my life but now some of it is off my shoulders because I am doing this assignment. I am worried about my mom right now also because she just went through a divorce and now I am out of her life and not living with her so she really doesn't have anyone to talk to. She always sounds so miserable on the phone when I talk to her and she makes me feel bad for leaving home even when she wanted me to leave. My dad and my mother just recently got a divorce and it has torn all of our lives up but I think that it has torn my mother's life up the most. She had change jobs and start a new life over without my father and his harassing ways to hold her back from wanting the most from her life. She acts so depressed when I hear from her and in turn it makes me feel very depressed about my life too. I love my mother to death but I just wish that she would keep me out of her problems and go seek some help from someone who can actually help her. Anyways I think that school is going to turn out really good and I hope that I can keep up my grades and make it into the Nursing School. I am already into the Pre Nursing School but I have to test into the Nursing School in order to become a Registered Nurse. I am excited about fulfilling my life long dream about becoming a nurse and helping out people who are need of assistance and love. I want to work with children in a pediatric doctors office when I graduate. I really do not want to work in an emergency room with very sick people who come in there almost dead and there is no chance for us to save them. I want to help people out and I don't want to feel like I didn't help them out by letting a person die.
I am sitting in my room. There is tile being laid in the bathroom next to me. The sound of musics floats in from the next room. Paint smells intoxicate me. I feel slightly light headed as I have for the past several days in my apartment. The sound of the modem next to the computer begins to hum as if it is heating up. My mama walks in the room and looks annoyed as the desk she trying to put together is not working according to her plan. I wonder whey she looks so upset about it. The air conditioner begins to run. I have a book for my government class lying open on the floor. Who would have known that there would be that much reading for one class. I cannot tell if I want to finish reading it or try and take notes from class for it to make sense. The phone rings next to me. I don't pick it up because I am worried I have waited too long to finish this assignment and I won't get full credit. I fell asleep reading earlier this afternoon and just woke up. Funny how the time just slips away like that. You are payiong attention to everything around you one minute and the next it is gone. You wake up and can't remember when you fell asleep the time before right now. My nose starts to itch which is funny,because it isn't even dusty in my apartment right now. The green wall of my bedroom is making the setting sunlight a strange color on my feet. They look a weird yellow color as if they are becoming infected with something. It makes my sheets look pretty though. The mixture of green, yellow, and purple reminds me of a rainbow. Everything is starting to fade. My mind and eyes start to slow down. Everyone around me is moving too fast for my taste. I want it to slow down. Everything should be slower these days. I like it when it is lazy like on Sundays. I watch TV until I feel like eating something. I can smell my mama start to cook dinner. She always makes such good food for me. I smell cheese melting on something. I think it might be broccoli. But you can't smell brocolli. I keep spelling that differently. I wonder how it is supposed to be spelled. How funny. Things like that when they happen. LIke when you can't remember how to spell and or something easy like that. I realized I haven't typed for the whole 20 minutes right now, but I have to have it in by five. I think I will try to do it again in a minute. I hope this isn't too bad.
I hate the guy next door to me He is so fricking annoying. Gosh I want to kill him. His music is blasting so loud right now and I can't even think and he's just talking away and I want to go to sleep and take a nap I think I only got like a couple of hours of sleep last night so I'm tired and I didn't get to eat breakfast My bed makes all these squeaky noises when I sleep and it's really annoying and my pillows keep following off the bed I don't like my green book sack it's not that pretty I think it looks ugly I'd rather have my red Gap book sack People at UT don't seem to care about clothes but maybe Asians care about clothes Hmmm Enok seems really soft but hard, he's like a tough guy but not and I'm ugh what's wrong with that boy. Man it just seems like all he ever does is play on his stupid computer and he's getting mean now. He was really mean when I asked him about the fire drill the other day because he's probably fake like that like Paul Gosh Paul annoys the crap out of me I hope he doesn't come to UT because that would just be horrible. But knowing my luck he's going to come to UT and that would just be great Kenny's a pretty good roommate but I think he might be getting annoyed with me or something because I sleep later than he does and I think I talk more than he does something is wrong with him too because he never talks now I look at him differently for some strange reason and I want to be a bad kid again rather than the 'good' Christian boy I used to be I want a tattoo and I want some piercings hmmm that would be cool and my classes are okay but I have this guilty feeing and I don't know why I don't know if my friends here are true or not, maybe it's better if I just keep to myself more because I have this bad feeling that I haven't really met someone that's truly there you know I mean Debra is nice and all but still I think she might be fake and Sing just uses me he looks like a damn alien it's so gross ahhh I have to wash my face in a few seconds after I'm done with this because I think I'm getting acne again and that would just be horrible I though asians weren't supposed to get acne. My god the guy next door finally turned off his music thank god!
Palms are sweaty, my stomach is uneasy, and my head just feels in pain. I'm sick, I'm not supposed to get sick. I'm pre-med" I'm supposed to be taking good care, promoting health. I need to get better, it is essential that I get better. I need to concentrate on my studies. I sleep late because I cannot fall asleep due to late night fevers. I may not be feeling well, but my conscience follows me as well. Did I break up with Joseph for the right reasons?  Of course I did, he was over possessive, or maybe I just didn't understand him enough. Maybe, I didn't love him enough to understand. Did I love him at all?  Yes, I'm certain of it. He needed to understand that I needed to be trusted and understood. Three years, three years of my short life, all gone to waste. I feel incomplete. maybe I should go back with him, no I must resist. I know what I want, I cannot be defeated. I need to conquer what I have set out as my destiny. I need to be a doctor. I cannot be a failure. I need to find the cure. My sister is ill, my sister is laying on her death bed. My nephew, barely 2 yrs. old, he needs his mother. I need to work faster. I need to help her. I cannot let time defeat me. I need to find the cure, why does cancer have to be such a stubborn illness?! Does God, not understand, does he not know that my sister is the highlight of my life. If I could, if I were given the chance, I'd give my life for hers. I love her so much. I have two other sisters, but this one is my best friend. Who's going to be there for me. How come I'm not being there for her. I should have been there for her surgery, I was at school. Life sucks, yes it's proven. God is attempting to take my sister away, and at the same time he is trying to physically impair my father. You broke his legs. We are poor, I know it, but my parents are hard workers. My mother a housewife and my father a maintenance worker. They worker harder than most people who just take dimes as they come. Not even breaking a sweat, how dare you hurt my family. Do you plan on leaving me without family? Without love? I need to get better. I need to get rid of this sick. I need to keep on with my studies. I need to find the cure. I need to tend the needs of my family. I need to do this fast. I need to do something. What did I ever do you?  I donate to others. I help people. You don't help me. God, listen to me, I will not me defeated! I cannot be defeated. I cannot slow down. I need to achieve. Nobody in my family can ever be harmed. I don't believe that time takes charge of destiny. I can make my destiny. I know I can do something. I have to do something. What must I do?  What do I do? I'll make you a deal God, if you protect my family I will owe you my life. You can collect as soon as you help them. Help them please. I need you to help them. Don't do me any favors, do it for them. They have so much awaiting them. I have nothing. I give you my life in exchange for theirs. I will not be defeated. I will not be defeated. I will not be defeated.
there are many things going through my mind at the moment I wonder how everyone is back home my mom I miss her very much I wonder if my quiz tomorrow is going to be hard tomorrow man I miss melissa too my girlfriend for two years already man I hope it works out for us I love it here at ut but I feel bad because I miss everyone I wonder if that will pass or not I wonder how I am going home this weekend I hope its by bus mom wants me to rent a car to go home I'm not sure about that I might get lost man I miss them I wonder if my roomate likes me and the way I act sometimes I feel weird and other times we connect really well I wonder if I'm doing this right I don't want to miss up I didnt use any punctuation whatsoever man I hope I do well here that is my main concern man my fingers hurt a little just on my right hand though man I eat a lot today at dinner I think I'm gaining a lot of wieght I hope I can control it I feel like working out but I feel guilty leaving all my unfinished work here it just dosent feel right doing that but I feel so heavy and not so attractive right know I miss my pet kittens they were just born before I left I hope I do well here at ut I would feel bad if I didnt do well here its so intimitating here at a big school from a 2a school to a university of about 50000 or maybe more I don't exactly know for sure I wonder how long its been man I keep scrolling to the top to see if I'm doing this right I hope I am damn I love it here its just so peaceful here I think it is a lot of people but really nice I am glad I'm here I wonder what other homework I have man I want to do so well I just hope I do I need to its imparitive I do I just don't know what I would do I need to balance my schedule too man I have a lot to do tonight man wheres my girlfriend she was supposed to call me man I hope shes alright with me here and everything I know she loves me very much yeah I know she can't wait to see me this weekend I miss her a lot I can't wait to leave either I want to see everyone at home man I miss everyone I wonder who else is going to read this man these are my thoughts right know man I wonder its going to be on my mind all night I hope I can study man I want to go home so bad but I want to stay I don't know
Well right now it's 10:50 and I am thinking I'll be out of here in about twenty minutes and then I'll get something to eat, I feel very hungry it is probably because I didn't eat much last night or this morning, anyway I just remembered I have to cut the grass today what a pain. by the time I get home I am going to be so tired that I would just want to go to bed but no I have to cut the grass I guess I should forget about going to the gym today even though I promised myself I will go to the gym every Tuesday and Thursday. but o well at least I don't have to work today thinking about work I remembered there is that boat party next weekend that should be a lot of fun I haven't been to the lake for couple of months now, we used to go every week. it seems like a long time but it has only been about 6 minutes that I have been writing. I wander if I should return my study guide for calculus. I don't know if I need it or not. I am sure it will come in handy when doing homework but it is not required to have and it costs. I don't know maybe 40 dollars. It makes the job easier but at the same time I have to learn and try instead of just copying off the study guide. that was pretty nice of that guy giving me his psychology book for free I don't even know him. I was willing to pay half how much he paid for it but o well I probably should give him a gift card of some sort. Maybe I'll get one from work like a 30 dollar gift certificate. I feel kind of dizzy. I went to sleep late and then I had to wake up at seven to catch the bus and get here for my 8:30 discussion class to find out that they just covered the problem that I had questions about. and now I have been here at the lab for couple of hours string at screen doing my assignments for my computer science class. My eyes are getting pretty tired and the screen is becoming harder to focus on. I don't think this is good on my eyes definitely not. Well so far sitting here doing this has been the most fun I have had so far today, but still I just can't wait to get out of here. But hey where am I going to go? go to the bookstore and return the book? Or go to library and study for my macroeconomics class? maybe go to the gym ? no I am hungry I probably should get something to eat I don't know if I should call Vivian see if she wants to go get something to eat but she is probably sleep. I could call Lisa, I have to call somebody because I hate eating by myself.
I completely forgot that I had a discussion group for Philosophy today at 12, so I went out last night with the intentions of being able to sleep in all day today, but no. Luckily my roommate is in the same class and reminded me, so now I am awake. Since I have been here I have never spent the night completely alone in our room. However, this weekend I have to stay in town for some dumb sorority match and retreat, while one of my roommates goes home to Houston, one to Dallas, and the other is always at her boyfriends. So this weekend I will be sleeping here all alone, which kind of sucks. I used to always stay home alone, for weeks at a time. But it will be weird to stay here alone, since I have been here all of three weeks. Right now I am on the phone with the Health Center people, because I woke up with a swollen eye, which doesn't feel to great, so I am about to go take care of that. It is really annoying, it isn't painful, just a constant pain. Another thought on my mind lately has been one of my friends; he is also my date to the OU game in a couple of weeks. About a week ago he depledged from his fraternity cause it wasn't for him, he isn't the normal frat guy. However, the other morning when he came to pick up my ID he was wearing the outfit that they have to wear for their pledgeship. When he depledged I had a lot of respect for him because he never does things on his own, and while all his friends were pledges he wasn't. When he said he was back in it worried me. I think it is just because he is bored because none of his friends are ever there, so he is all alone. But we will see how that goes.