I'm just sitting here by the computer thinking of something to   write about. I just finished my Inorganic class, met a really nice guy   who is now my partner for this, however he is married. Two of my   friends are sitting in this same room, talking about math problems.  Man, am I glad my math requirement is over and done with. I'm also   so worried about my med schhool application. Is this what I really   want to do with my life? On the other hand, do I not want to go ahead   and try? Will I regret it if I give up? Will I regret it if I don't? Sometimes   I think all I'm afraid of is hard work. When I think about applying to   grad school, I start to worry about how hard it'll be to my phD   dissertation! Talk about borrowing trouble. I don't want to disappoint   mama, she does so much for me, but no matter how hard I try, I feel   that she's never satisfied with who I am, even though she always   says she is. I'm glad she came to visit me this time, but I'm also so   scared of disappointing her. If she ver knew I got that C for math. ! I   keep thinking about Sulanka a lot too. Mama said continuously that   he wasn't the right man for me, deep down I know that too,  so why   am I still with him? He always puts me down, and I know half his   compliments and   lovering   is not sincere. Maybe it's the sheer   convenience of livjng together. Although sometimes I wonder what   the hell's so convenient about it! He makes me spend my money   like there's no tomorrow, I've cried more times with him than at any   other time of my life. However, I've also spent the last six and a hlaf   years with him, so there must be something I need that I'm getting   from him. It's hard to let go of something you've had for so long even   if you know it's not very good for you. I like meeting other guys   though, and it comforts me to know that even if I did leave him, I   needn't be alone. Sometimes I think I'd rather be a little prettier than   a little smarter - like I have a choice! But if I did, I think pretty girls   have an easier life than the smart girls, for the simple reason maybe   that pretty girls don't have much to think about. I used to alwasy envy   the pretty girls at school, even if they were younger and dummer than   I was! It was a shock to realise a few years ago, that they had all   been jealous of me. I sure do miss high-school. Sometimes I think   that was the happiest time of my life -even with all the ons of   problems I had. Living at home with mama and Poppa was so hard   sometimes, but I had my friends, and it seems as if even Sulanka   loved me more at that time. To be fair, he also didn't see me 24   hours a day when we were in high-school either! I loved hanging out   with my friends, I've never laughed so hard as when I was in   highschool. It was nice being known by everyone. I miss my click, I   can't wait to see Ash and Ramee and hopefully Sashi in the winter.  I'm sure Senny must be going through the same things now. I feel   so bad for him, but being a tyypical boy, I can't ask hi to talk to me,   his sister, about any feelings. Then again. even if I did, I'd have no   idea about what to do if he broke down. That boy's badder than I   thought he was! He always looks so innocent and sweet, but deep   down, he's a real bad-ass! And mama and Poppa think I was the   flighty kid. Sometimes I wonder if I really am happy with what I've   become. I don't dare talk about it to anyone because everyone thinks   I'm perfect. My bosses, my parents, my friends and co-workers. If I try   to talk to Sulanka about these feelings, he just belittles me, so I   really have no one to talk to. I could talk to  mama, sometimes I wish   I did, but then, she expects so much from me, and I'm so sure she'll   scoff at my worries. She treats me as though I was still an   impetuous child, in need of being humoured. I wish I could make   her see me seriously someitmes. So many people are expecting   me to do well, they depend on me to do them proud. I feel like my   grasp on things os slowly slipping away. What am I going to do   when I graduate? Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever make   mama happy with me and feel as though I have fulfilled her dream? I   miss Poppa. For all his bluster and old fasioned ways, he's a lot   simpler to please than mama. And daddy, dear daddy, he just wants   me to be happy, but them, I feel as though he doesn't know much   about me, and daddy isn't the sort of person I cold expose any deep   feelings to. He's just not that kind of man. So I have to go along, and   try to do the best I can with what I have. It's not an especially hard lot   even though I fret so much. I have a great family who would do   anything for me, I have a home and a brother who now lives with   me. I have aboyfriend who even if he doesn't give me verything I want,   apparently gives me something I need. The future I suppose, will   just have to work itself out. These crazy thoughts and fears in my   head will just have to sort themselves out, maybe in time they will. I   have to try not to go bonkers, but I just feel so overwhelmed   sometimes, like I'll never get a grasp on my future, or I'll never be   truly happy. I think I know on thing for certain now, I can never be truly   happy if I marry Sulanka and I need to try and get away from him if I   can, no matter how hard it may be, and it will be very, very hard.