Right now, I am sitting here sick to my stomach and the world feels so small. I am waiting for a phone call that is so important, and if I don't get it, I am going to feel like a really big loser. Yes, I did just get all the blessings I could ever ask for, so I am selfish to be wanting more, but its something I really really want. All I want is to make my parents proud and to give my family something they can brag about. I have spent my whole life wanting to achieve the best, and I get so sick when I let myself down. Rejection sucks. its so hot in here, and as all my friends call because they just got the call," I feel like a loser. I am proud of myself- but rejection is not something I handle well? What if the call does not come-- will I cry, will I blame my inabilities on something else, how will I react? The anxiety I feel right now is extreme. On top of all that, I am homesick. I have a great life here in Austin, but since my family is a huge part of my life, I feel kind of left out being so far away. Everything back home seems to go on without me. my roommate here is annoying and the tv here is always on. she follows me around and sometimes I feel used because she really does not know people here. She is not in a sorority and so sometimes I feel as if she is angry at me for that. I am so anxious. my boyfriend is supportive too, but I wonder sometimes if he really has deep feelings for me. Yes, I know about his fear of commitment and all that crap, but we have been together for way too long for me not to feel totally secure with him. Oh, that stupid seventh heaven song. turn off the dang tv. All I want is peace and quiet without all the noise. Oh, and I have to worry about yesterday too. My sorority is awesome, but it makes me really uncomfortable to drink around some of them. Yes, I know. Its silly if we all drink together. But, sometimes I feel as if I have this image that I have to uphold. and that image reflects back onto all aspects of my life. my family, my faith, my school, my friends. How do I act? How do I dress? Who do I associate myself with? All of these things constantly flood my brain, and sometimes all I want to do is get far away from those thoughts. Do people love me for me? Do they love me for who I am here or the grades I make or the house I live in or the money my parents make? How do people view me? And that tv, always on. what I would give for that chatter to stop for 10 minutes. I can't even study with the noise. I am worried about this year. I need a job, I have bills to pay, I am in hard classes. how will I measure up? I love my life, I love my life. but I could seriously do without the stress. I am determined, and I already have accomplished so much this semester, but will it end? I want it to stay this way, but there is so much to lose. I am scared that I will lose it. How do I not lose it? I pray all the time, and I count my blessings. its hot in my apartment and it smells like paint. why did I choose to live in an apartment with a girl I don't like? What possessed me to do this? Did I feel independent and like a big girl? Now I feel young and naive, and way out of my league. oh, the insanity, but good things come to those who wait and I put all my trust into a higher being so things WILL work out.