ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
My week is catching up with me so my mind is somewhat numb from all of the information being presented to me. The fun and freedom that as a freshman are all too new to me are affecting my energy level and I am fighting the urge to sleep right now. Although my body is so tired my desire to have fun and go out outweigh the lack of energy. As an extrovert my energy seems to come from other people no matter how tired I think I am. I love the newness of everything and hope that it lingers as long as possible. Sometimes, though I long for the familiarity I have left behind. I almost avoid my photo album of my friends, boyfriend, and family. I miss the love which comes so naturally from them. Its that level which takes so long to reach. Everyone here I know at a shallow level. I constantly wonder who will be my best friends at the end of this year. Who will be the ones I will reach that next level of friendship with? There are so many uncertainties about the future. With my boyfriend and I dating other people, I wonder if the miles between us are going to be a stronger force than our love. Was backing off on the seriousness of our relationship a bad idea? I am having fun but he isn't and I really don't want to lose him. It was his choice, though, to go to the Naval Academy instead of coming to UT so it's his own fault he doesn't like it. My heart just aches for him though because I hate the thought that he isn't happy. I think that is what love is. It's when you hurt just as much as when the person you care about is hurting. It's when you'd do anything in your power to take away that hurt, putting there feelings in front of your own. Love is so much more complex than that, but I believe this at least part of it. I think that when you know everything about a person, when all of their deep dark secrets are told, and you still are head over heels for the person, that is love. Someone once told me we like because, we love although. I think what I have with Mike is love, so these miles will either make us or break us for good. Either way I just hope we will always be best friends. He knows me better than anybody and I guess that is a big part of the familiarity I miss.
Hmmm. don't know what to write. Maybe Erin will call back soon. Glad Leah is not coming home tonight, place all to myself. Fabulous. Wonder where Melissa is and if she wants to do something tonight. I do, but I am tired and I have stuff to do, but bored with stuff. The room is dark and lonely, but good that Leah isn't here. Hopefully Erin will call soon. Haven't been able to have a good conversation with her since she went to California. Miss her a lot, wish she were in Leah's place. But, she'll be here in four days for Dave. Dave is coming up soon, I can't wait. Wish Melissa would go with us, so it'll be less like couples, but Preston and Carlo will be there, we'll have to see them. They are Justin's friends and he probably wants to see them too, probably not as much as he wants to see Erin, but its cool, it would be cool to hang out with those two guys. That way I could get Preston's number and I could network with what he's doing. It's all about the networking. Dave is going to be so much fun, I can't wait, but it would be better if Leah and Mike weren't going. But what could you do? Hopefully Justin will take his car and us true Dave fans can get there early and not wait for the non Dave fans. I'm so tired. Definitely bored too. Those neighbors are so random, they are always making noise, but they are such dorks. They better contain themselves or we will have a definite problem. And what is Kelly's deal? She has totally distanced herself. Is it because she thinks Melissa and my friendship has become too much or does she just not like me or is it because her friend was in town? I definitely feel neglected. I mean I try to be cool and nice to her. I try to be nice to everyone, I'm nonconfrontational, that's probably why people like me. I don't know. I wish Leah didn't take that stupid poster that I wanted. Every time I look at it, it pisses me off. God. She is definitely annoying, I swear what a poser of everything, hey maybe you could get an identity of your own and stop stealing everyone else's. Fabulous. Dave is so awesome, I can't wait. Could I love you, could you love me? I definitely need a guy, I am so sick of all these couples, it's so annoying. I mean I deserve a guy, right? It has been a while. I'm just too damn picky, but I am about everything. It's good right? Quality over quantity? I hope so. But, more people are more fun and you can always find something to do. I need to find or run into those two girls from the other night, they seemed cool, maybe people I could get along with. Mainly that Izzy girl, the other reminded me of Jakki Barsalou and she had some tongue thing, which both could be bad. That stupid bear. God! Oh my neck hurts, it's so stiff. I definitely need a good massage. Another thing boyfriends are good for. Good seeing mom today, definitely miss all that. But, I'm being strong. Definitely almost started crying about all of Kim's problems today. Which is weird, because I hardly know her anymore, but I guess we have some sort of childhood bond. Maybe, it is because I feel like I can sort of relate. It was weird, maybe I just need to cry or something, get it out of the system.
I still need to do my homework for Spanish. I'll be spending a lot of time in this building in the spring because I'll be back in design and vis comm. I'm getting hungry. tonight Amy Alex and I are going to get pizza. Alex and I weren't getting along too well for a while. it was because I have been dating and spending less time with him. for a long time it was always just the two of us, neither one dating. now that I am it bothered him just a little bit. oh well, we talked about it and he's better now. which is good, I don't like to fight with Alex. I have a lot to do this week, tonight I need to read and I would like to work on and ,ideally, finish my calculus homework. tomorrow I am going to apply for a job at the nature company in the mall. I talked to one of the managers this weekend at the forum and he said that they were hiring. that would be a good place to work, at least I like the store. we'll see. I guess I need to call my sister tonight she always gets all worked up if I don't talk to her once a week. I just talked to her the other day though, sometimes I just don't feel like talking to her. I hope that someday she'll stop trying to mother me. I hope that now that she has a child she will let me be. I actually sort of enjoy my calculus class. this is my first time to take calculus so I didn't know what to expect. it is pretty interesting. I'm really getting hungry and it s going to be a couple of hours before I get to eat dinner I wish my computer at home worked it is so annoying that the computer people are being so stubborn about fixing it. I 'm glad uncle mike is going to help me with it. mom really did a good job when she picked uncle mike to be my financial adviser ii really care for hm a lot. it is always  amazing to me that it is usually your friends that you can count on more than your family. you always are expected to help your family whether you like them or not but your friends are chosen and they like you and want to help with things and they won't hold it over your head. unfortunately most of the people in my family are big fans of the guilt trip. I can't stand that sort of thing.
I am so pissed right now because I was almost done and then my sweetmate's phone rang and I got disconnected and now I am just hoping that the phone doesn't ring again, I would like to get this done before the weekend begins. I am very excited about this weekend I think that it is going to be alot of fun. We are doing many things, let's see. Tonight we are going to Hillele first, which is a religious service (Jewish). Those are always nice,. Hillel reminds me of camp which I love. I go to a religious overnight camp in Wisconsin, Ramah. In my last letter I was wondering if anyone is even reading this, maybe you are just checking that we did this and that's it. I mean, it has to be incredibly boring to read 500 of these. although, as a psychologist maybe it is totally interesting, you get to analyze all of us. Those surveys well, I thought they were sort of pointless, just because as the teacher said (or you said if you are reading it), the research is meaningless if the patient knows what is being tested. It's not that I knew the hypothesis for all the surveys but they were pretty obvious and I could tell what the researchers were looking for. I like psychology so far though, I don't know if I am going to agree with everything though. I will have to see, but a friend of mine told me that it gets very logical and I am not the biggest supporter of logic. That must sound very stupid, well, that's not exactly what I mean, but I read this book, actually a short story, Teddy by JD Salinger, who I love and Teddy said you have to look at the world without logic to understand things better. He said that when Eve bit in the apple, she was really biting into logic. This seems very long, I have been writing for a while I also think I should stop because I am very nervous that the phone
Ok, I am starting writing for 20 min. My thought, are what I am writing about. Right now I am still thinking about visiting my friends at Baylor this weekend, not sure If I want to do that. I have stuff to do, got to get a new id, and eat, and some other stuff, mainly thinking about what I have to do. Most of my friends are going home for the weekend is why I am thinking about visiting Baylor. I have to be back at 5 Sunday to try out for ransom notes, so that is a factor, Also Stephanie wanted me to visit EV free Sunday morning with her, so if I do that I will want to leave Saturday afternoon, so I am not sure, I still need to read chapters in psy, chapters 3,4 in CS, chapter 2 in psy, I need to do that today, maybe after I go run, I think I will go to Baylor tonight and come back tomorrow afternoon. And get stuff done, I need to work on that song, that reminds me I need to go get those Birkenstocks as well, anyway I want to see Blake and Lauren and the game but I don't know if I will have much time, maybe I can leave in the morning tomorrow, and skip the game, come home and do some stuff, that will give me time to go and get the shorts and sandals I have been meaning to get, then I can still go out on sat night, maybe with Jacqueline or Susan, most everyone went back to see Dave, I wish I was seeing Dave, but they sold out the first weekend they were on sale and I was not in town to get them. Oh well, I can get more stuff done now,. need to sunin my hair and go running,. remember to get exenphrime, exandrine or whatever ant GNC on Tuesday, I may go run then work out a while today I want to figure out what I am doing tonight first though. Blake said something about a dance tonight, but he is dateless. So I am not sure, hmmm, what to do what to do, I need to work out defiantly this weekend. Hmmm, I wish I could see everyone, but all my friends go to diff colleges, Ashley keeps asking me to come visit her, which I should do but I am lazy, hah, I have no time for anything anymore, I squeeze in homework and studying, I need to do something about that, I would like to see Ashley though, I kind of miss her, it is a lot harder than I thought it would be to meet girls here, they are either intimidating or not worth the trouble, I guess I have just had bad luck but every single good looking girl I have started conversations with has a boyfriend, but none of them have really been good looking enough to make it worth my time to try and become better friends with them if they are in a relationship, Anne was pretty cool, but now things are weird between us, I need to get will and ryan to take me to some fiji parties, those will probably be better. I guess I will skip workout today and just go up at about 2:30 hmm, writing this didn't seem like the chore I thought would be. I just have weekend plans on my mind so I can't think of much else. Psy is fun, I need to be a little less tired Monday so I can enjoy it, I will work on that. Over and out.
cold air quietness stress sad unreal computer pictures home stress  family death uncle sadness vietnam feelings coldness alone isolation fear homework worry help not enough time catch up freedom working no homework looking for room to breath need help afraid to ask tired not enough sleep psychology subject intriguing need more time to do other homework need notes from other people tired weak wanting to go home don't want to stay here too long want to go back home miss the people back home friends family lost hard heat hear footsteps just a stranger wanting to go home chips smell like onions hungry but already ate about five minutes ago need time to study too many tests coming up need more time too tired want to go somewhere else but here feeling sick nauseous feel a major heading coming forth need time need time bored want to go somewhere else tired bored tired bored bored want to do something else
Right now i am in my dorm room recovering from classes and preparing for an evening filled mostly with studying. My ears are receiving the wonderful sounds of Jack Johnson, Jackopierce & Dave Matthews, and also Ceili Rain ( a Camp Allen classic). I can not say that i am smelling anything particularly because my sinuses are acting up after a game of soccer last night. I guess there is just something about the grass down by the LBJ fountains that fires up my histamines.         I am feeling a little anxious and stressed right now. I woke up at 10:00 this morning just as my first class was starting. This class is small and very much attendance based, so i could not simply skip it. I had to rush out the door and i believe that this rush has caused me to feel as though in race all day. The stress comes from the inability to finish a project for that class as a result of my oversleeping. I know the professor was not proud and i am afraid my grade will suffer as a result. I want to keep my grades up so that i will be able to easily transfer to any school because right now i do not believe that i will be able to cut it for 5 years in architecture school. For now i am committed to finishing this semester and evaluating things from there.         My mind just wandered back to Psychology class today. Dr. Pennebaker really angered me when he suggested that one of the greatest christians of all time and that spirituality and religion are all frauds and conjured up by our temporal lobes. He said that Paul saw a vision of Christ after he fell on the road to damascus because he probably hit or damaged his temporal lobe. Well Paul saw a blinding light that caused him to fall and afterward he was blind, which would not be caused by damage to the temporal lobe. Furthermore, other people had received visions of what was to happen and to receive Paul into their homes as a result of the events. There i've said my piece.         I just realized that the music i'm listening to makes me miss my friends. One is called   Please Come to Boston   and it talks about trying get together with old friends as this person is moving on with their own life. It has the same effect on me. I want my friends to come visit me on campus, but for some reason it would feel like a step back for me to go visit them. The other song is one from the christian summer camp i worked at for the past three summers. it just takes me back there with all of my friends and the summer love. We still talk occasionally, but only over the internet and not on the phone. I really prefer talking face to face if at all possible and then the phone and lastly the internet. It just seems so impersonal to talk on the internet with instant messages. Plus you can not fully express yourself; sarcasm for example is hard to decipher when written.         Wow, i actually wrote for twenty minutes and enjoyed it. this was actually a little therapeutic to express myself like this.
WEll right now I'm doubting I can write for the next 20 minutes straight. I don't think I have that much material, that's worth putting down anyway. Id rather be doing something else for the next 18 minutes. I'm looking forward to going out tonight. There is a party and it should be a lot of fun. I'm going to get drunk and that will be fun. Class this week was interesting, however I worry that I am falling behind in a couple of my classes. There's so much reading and such little time. I'm pledging Delt and that keeps me really busy. That's who the party is with tonight, my pledge class. They are pretty cool guys. These guys keep walking in here and interupting my writing. That is annoying. I had this girlfriend named Erin. We broke up before we came to school. I think about her a lot now. I guess I miss her. I hope she is doing well. i am still thinking about her. I need to go help a couple of my friends sneak liquor up into Towers. My time is just about up anyway. This really wasn't that bad of an assignment. I had fun. See you in class.
The green leaves outside are a very vibrant color of green today. I really hope it doesn't rain again today because I got really wet yesterday. That ticking closk is really annoying me. I never really notice it until I I have to go to work though. Theres my sisters Harry Potter book. I wonder if the next movie that comes out will be any good. I really hope it is. I have no idea why my Dad is so into trains right now, hes been collecting them everywhere. I think this is his midlife crisis hobby. We had to drive four hours this summer to go to a little dinky town called Rusk just to ride a steam train. It wasn't really worth it. I wanted the train to go under a tunnel or something but it never did. That French toast i made this morning really wasn't very good. I left a funny taste in my mouth. I should probably go brush my teeth, they have syrup all over them. I am so tired I shouldn't have stayed up as late as i did last night. Putting my thoughts on paper is really hard. I have no idea what to write.  My arm hurts. I think its because i haven't streched it since volleyball season last year. I hope the team does well this year. I'm pretty confident they will. They have some really good players this year. i wonder how good of a player Mr. Pace's daughter really is. she made varsiity this year as a freshmen but then again thats really not too hard to do, considering. The new coach seems to be aa good coach though. I really hope she's able to build up a strong team. I wish that I could play for one more year. volleyball is so much fun. I wonder if i could get a team together to play intramural volleyball. That would be a whole lot of fun. Dawn alread y said she didn't want to do it. She is so unmotivated sometimes. I think we need one of those wrist pads for our computer. My hand is getting tired. Its probably just because I haven't typed hardly anything for the entire summer. I really want to take a typing class somewhere so I would learn how to type a lot faster. That would make papers a lot easier to write.
I have never had an asignment like this before. It is hot in my dorm room. I always feel sweaty especially at night. It is difficult to sleep. Now that we are a few weeks in to school I can feel my self getting more and more stressed out every day. The workload is quit large, and I never have enough time to do everything i need to do. Actually right now I am between classes but i only have and hour to do this assignment, do some calculus, and eat lunch. I know I won't do one of those three. I probably won't eat lunch. Even though I am starving. i went to today and got a wristband for the OU game. The draw for tickets is tommorrow morning so i guess i am going to miss class to stand in line. If i do that and don't get a ticket i will not be happy. I wander where my girlfiend is right now i havnt seen her at all today. We live in the same building and I still rarely see her. Usually only at night, and even then we study so we don't talk much. I miss all the time we spent together when we still lived at home. We both went greek so between her sorority my fraternity and school there is maybe 30 min a day left for just talking to each other. Hopefully things will get easier later on in the semester. I live at Dobie so i have three roommates, and one of them is trying to teach himself the guitar. I am really sick of hearing his stupid guitar. Plus he sucks at it. i just accidentally pushed the back button on my computer, and when i pushed forward what i had already typed was still here but the timer started over. I wonder if that matters. I don't have time to keep tying for another twenty minutes. I am serously considering not going to my next class. I just want to eat lunch and take a nap. I just realized something funny my next class is pyschology. Oh well just because i am doing the assignment doesn't mean i have the energy to go to class. Who am i kidding i am to worried about missing something important so i will go even though i am really tired. During the last lecture i fell asleep for about 10 minutes and woke up really confused. I have so much work i have to get done before friday. Which wouldn't be that big of a problem but my fraternity has something going on every night this week, and since i am a pledge i am expected to be there. My time is just about up so i am going to stop typing now.
I hear the innumerable conversations buzzing in the background. Why do I constantly attempt to erase my sentences until I get it perfect. I smell nothingness. I should be smelling the moist air of post-raining. But instead, I only hear the faint taps of water breaking. I Love College, by the way. And that weird survey you have us take, pretesting, is the most hilarious thing to experience. That survey is so subjective to what you feel at the current moment. Damn, my fingers are already cramping. Must pop now. It doesn't want to. Let's see, how was my day?  It was long. It was tiring. OU. Damn game. But it turned out to be a nice little long wait with a dear little friend. Nothing beats flirting from 8 am to daytime. Can I say tits. Oh, what the fuck. It feels nice cussing when it is clearly inappropriate to do so for a grade. But, this is what I'm thinking, and to begrudge me for following instructions repudiates the process. Whoa, I like when I talk intellectually. I like when I can say that I like talking intellectually without fear of conceit, because no one is here to judge you other than an anonymous psycho analyzer. That was a long word. Shit, only 8 gone. It feels like a space of time has gone. I miss my adorable niece. She is the absolutely most beautiful human being. I could sincerely cry at the thought of her pure sweet charm. But I won't lest I go deep into a melancholic cheer. Whoa, there I go again. You know, it took me a long time to find the website to do this assignment. There is no emphasis on the paper to reference it's significance. No highlights. No italicizing. I cannot believe how long this experiment is. I want to eat. But I really don't. It's called munchies. And I like food. It's them damn dopamine's. I tell you, for food of course. You better have gotten that play on words, or you're not an astute psychologist. Now I'm talking to someone, which makes me a what?  I really don't know. That's your job. I'm just thinking what it would be like to be on the other end of this letter. This weird letter of nonsensical discussion to a nonexistent second party. Impatience is the motif of this letter. I can't finish it. I enjoy doing this writing but nonetheless want it to end, isn't that contradictory?  That's a rhetorical question. I like psychology. It's particularly fun for a writer/slightly intellectual. I would like to minor in it. Just for the pure knowledge. Sorry, I had to answer my phone. She says, my baby, I love you," and I say, "I'm typing". She goes on asking questions, inconsequential chatting ones. She forgot to eat with her friend. Aw, poor chica. She says she felt like a dildo. Shit just happens, probably too much.