Anyagreene started Instant Messenging me randomly a few days ago. He wouldn't tell me who he is. At first, I did't have a problem with not knowing who he was, because the mystery is exhilirating. But after a while, he started to talk like Russell. He even knew about Russell's death. I loved Russell. That night, I dreamed about Anyagreene, but in my dream, Anyagreene was Jeff. I was so happy to see Jeff. I was glad that Jeff cared enough to IM me despite his heartless character and heavy workload. When I woke up, I wanted to fall back to sleep. . I wanted to fall back into the world where Jeff still cared about me. It's also a world where Russell was still alive. He was alive through this Screenname. Jeff and Russell were the same character in that dream, or at least that's what I thought. I often dream about Russell, thinking that he's still alive, only to wake up crying in the middle of the night because in reality, Russell hasn't been in this world for a while. After talking to my roommate last night, I realized why I loved Jeff so much. Jeff was unattainable, just like Mr. Big from Sex and the City. It was exactly his unattainability that attracted me. I thought Jeff was my soul mate last year. I've never had that kind of of connection with anyone else in my life. To say the least, I don't think I'd ever be able to forget Jeff. I hope we'll be able to go to the same graduate school together. I believe in soul mates. I don't think all soul mates are fortunately enough to end up with each other for the rest of their lives, but they do exist. Mine is probably jeff, but due to his bisexual tendencies and his lack of willingness to commit, it didn't work out. How sad it is to thikn that I've met my soul mate when I was sixteen and I missed my one and only chance? My mother's soul mate is not my father. THey love each other, but there's this other man that was my mother's best friend and first love. He had such a great impact on her life. Just like the way Rusell changed my life. But I think in a way, besides the period of depression, Russell changed my life for good. After dating him, I got into Simon's Rock, and now I'm a 17 year old sophomore in college. I saw him again this summer and it was hard not to patronize him because of how pathetic he looked. Neal and I showed up in his house when he was selling all of his worldly posessions so he could go away with the girl in the picture who's passed out. I admire his passion, but I would never do something like that. Like I've always said before, the reason that he did that was beacuse he could. He has the ability to turn his world upside down and still come on top. . or at least that what I think. Back to jeff. . I miss him. but I think transfering to UT was the right decision. I could nto have accomplished anythign with him in the same school as me. I am only productive when I am single and not distracted by boys. I should think about boys less in general. What are the chances of any one of them doing any good to my life? I would much rather listen to   play that funky music white boy   on my computer, write in this as an effort to be   productive   and go to PCL when I'm done with this. Speaking of PCL, i really need to finish doing my organic chemistry reading, homework. . review/preview genetics and get some physics done today. I guess I can do other stuff tomorrow. I don't have a whole lot oftime left though. I haven't been productive in a LONG time. I am worried that I won't be able to do what i want to do since I've been so lazy lately. Maybe my brain is rusty. but I still have faith in myself. I think i WILl be able to finish these things. I'm goign to ball room dance tomorrow night. That should be fun. I hope I won't be a wall flower. I need to work out too. I am tired of looking like a loaf of bread. I don't enjoy looking at the fat on my legs. but it's not like I can't change that with an hour inthe gym everyday. It just takes some effort. I need to make some changes in my life, but the good thing with being human is our abiilty and capability to change.