ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
clearing your mind must absolutely be the hardest thing I've ever done. To consciously try to just let your mind leak onto a computer screen is in no smallway troubling to me. I guess it should be relatively straightforward, but the entrails of my mind are hard to onterpret. In fact I wonder if the stuff I'm writing down right now is the actual true thoughts going through my conscious mind. Like right there, when I said "conscious" mind instead of just typing mind that tells me that I'm still thinking that I'm writing for something when I guess the true nature of this experiment or mind game or whatever is just to see what filth our minds gush out. in all honesty I'm not concerned with filth. I had possibly the most incredible feeling this Monday andI am still absolutely quaking from it. I had an incredible, picture vision rocket into my head about the girl I'd like to and hope to marry. Beforehand I had agonized voer her being away from me and the possibility of her blue eyes straying but I finally had the vision, and I say vision because I looked and saw her 30 years from now and I truly loved her. Then last night I had called her earlier in the evening and left a message and I thought there might be a remote chance that she would call back, and she did. That alone made my night . Then I started feeling good about myself and so I gave her a little taste of the treatment she always gives me and always succeeds in making me more eager for her-I acted like I had better things to do. So as I got off the phone adn said that I must away to bed she said, and this is the goood part, "Hey I'm not letting you go yet!" Ihave never in my entire existence been so happy as then. Call me pathetic, but I could watch this girl breathe as she sleeps for 24 hours a day and I would not fear etenity because that would be my perfect heaven
Wow, hell week at the chi phi really put me back. I have homework out the ass. Damn I type really slow. I wish I could type faster. This song I'm listening to wasn't so bad. The next song I don't recognize, oh yea I do , hell yaw this song is great. time sure does go by. Wow this song really fits me maybe I should just roll with it. no more stalling just go and roll with it. May I should just do it. Fine the next time I see Dina I just let her know how I feel. This writing assignment is really making me hate all of those people who type fast. Maybe I should have taken a typing class in high school. Damn this song brings back way to many memories. It always make me stop and think about the girl that I like at that time. Now I'm thinking about Dina, she is just so nice. It just kind of grew and since we started out as friends it's hard to just transition into a relationship. Hopefully the feelings are not all one sided. Well I have plenty of time I see her almost every day. But if I wait too long she will become a permanent friend and I would have lost my chance. She is also my Spanish tutor so then my Spanish will be tied to my relationship. She has so much patience for me though. She can be my sugar momma. Damn I really can't stop thinking about here. I wonder why here phone wasn't working today, I kind of glad though. I need more time to think things out and its not always to do things in the spur of the moment. The tickets I got for the game suck. I can actually spit on the rice fans from my spot. Oh well, I got an extra ticket for Dina, I'm actually glad I could only get one extra ticket. Now here friend can't come with us. I'm felling really anti-social lately. I'm not really hyper or energetic either. And have been sick with a soar throat and stuffy nose. I just want a few days to catch up. This assignment is almost over . I bet almost everyone else has more written then me. Oh well. Hey now. I have too many posters It looks like a kids room in here. I just wish I could concerto
. STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS. Right now I feel disappointment for skipping my weight training class this morning. I feel sick. Maybe its my sinuses or something. I need to go get my course packet for NTR 311. This weekend I should do homework, but I won't. I'm always behind, I hate that about myself. I can't seem to make myself do right, my roommate encourages me a little, but not enough. She skipped class yesterday too. We have a lot in common, but I wonder how close we really are. I like her, she is cool. My boyfriend thinks she is a bad influence. I love him. He's worried that I might cheat on him while I'm in school, but I won't. I love him so much. My roommate and I listen to music a lot. We enjoy watching videos. It keeps us going. I'm really depressed about my weight. I have been working out, but I still eat too much taco bell and Jester Pizza. I want to be thinner, but not too thin. I torture myself by watching pretty girls on TV. I feel bad about the things I eat. My roommate doesn't help. My boyfriend is satisfied with the way I look. I miss him. I'm going home this weekend. I want to look better for him. I used to be cute. This past summer I gained a lot of weight. I really just wish my stomach were flatter. I never had a stomach before. I watch BET all the time. They play lots of videos. I'm going shopping this weekend, but I'm not as excited as I should be. Its depressing. I need to pray more. I'm going to church on Sunday. I miss church. I should read my Bible more. I should read more. I like rap, it makes me dance. I enjoy dancing. I'm a pretty good dancer. My boyfriend won't let me dance for him. I try to all the time. He's so cute. We have known each other since we were. ten. He was cute then too. His mom likes methat's a good thing. My grandmother hates him, but we have an understanding. She has her reasons. I should do my homework today. I procrastinate too much. I hate myself for that. I haven't eaten today. I need to get a sandwichno pizza. My favorite singer right now is Mya. I think she is pretty. I wish I had a body like hers. She's skinny. My boyfriend doesn't like skinny girls. My roommate is really confident. She seems to be content with herself. I wish I were. I want to grow my hair out. I'm not going to cut it anymore. My boyfriend will be happy. My grandmother will be thrilled. I miss them. I can't wait to go back to Dallas. Times up.
Right now I am thinking about September 11th because i just got out of music class, and we discussed the emotional impact that music has on people. I never really thought about how emotional some songs make me feel. When my music teacher played   Amazing Grace   after reading an e-mail from a New York firefighter, I felt myself get teary eyed. It has been about 20 minutes since I've been in his class, and I still have that heart ache feeling thinking about the diffrent songs he played for the class. I also feel homesick. I keep thinking how i want to spend the anniversary of September 11th at home with my mom and dad. I am already homesick, and Wednesday is just going to intinsify my home sickness. I feel worried about my school work. I have so much homework that i need to get done that I'm starting to feel stressed out. I wish i would have study more these past two weeks instead of leaving the huge load I have now to the last minute. I don't think I'm ever going to catch up! I am really worried about Biology. It's an advanced class, and I have no idea what I'm doing in there. I still have an 11 paged packet that I must have done tomorrow. It's too hard though. I really wanted to go workout, but I don't feel like I have time. I want to go tanning but I have class at 3:30 and I needed to study inbetween my classes. I am really hungry. I want some buffalo wings. I think after I'm done typing this I'm going to order some Pluckers. I am also really thirsty, but I'm too lazy to go downstairs and get a coke. I'll just wait until I go get food. My room mate won't stop making noise which keeps breaking my train of thought. I really miss my nephew. I havn't got to see him in months. I hope when i go home this weekend I will be able to see him, but I doubt it beacuse his mom is such a psycho. She never lets us see him unless she wants something. I am going to call her and tell her I want to see him this weekend. I think I'll buy him a UT shirt before I leave on Friday. I put your picture away, sat down and cried for days. I can't look at you laying next to her. I wonder how Jess is doing. I havn't talked to her since i came to Austin. I hope she's doing better than when I left. This song sure does remind me of her. I hope her and Michael are talking again. It smells like clorox in my room. I need to spray some Lysol on here. Plus I need to clean my room. It's starting to get really messy. I wonder if that's bothering Crystal? She would tell if it was. Well, I'll clean my half just to be nice, and so I can be more organized. I need to do my laundry. I guess i could do it later.
hmm. . . well oh my gosh i ate alot today  let see i had taco bell this morning and then jus like three hours later i had the buffet at Mr. gattis but that was really good. jamba juice sounds really good right now maybe i should have taken christina up on her offer to go get some jamba juice. thosee are really good smoothies i really don't like smoothies . but jamba jucie smoothies are really good. hmm i wonder when sunita gets off work so we could go study at barnes&nobles i really like studying there it not to quiet but not to noisy either and i do get alot done there. the PCL is to quiet for me sometimes. hmm what do i need to study for i need to read finsh reading for psychology . oh check on the expirments  i did the one pretest online but i forgot to print out the last page . umm the prof. said it should be fine though i hope so. hmm i wonder if thats sunita on the phone. oh yes it is. okie well anyway . ok i need to read for psychology and then i need tofinish my math homework and oh i keep forgeting study for spanish i feel so bad i really need to get that workbook for spanish. i feel like i go there everyday and they tell it will be in tomorrow everyday i really getting tired of going there. hopefully they will have it tomorrow. hmm . . maybe i should eat at home tomorrow but i really can't i have class from 9 to 5 its not like i could come home and go back to class. i really wish i was living on campus it would so much less stressful. i would only have to carry on book at a time for one thing . i hate carrying the baack pack it is so heavy and im a little person im surprised i can carry it. man i can't believe the doctor told me i was only 86 pounds. i really thought i was going to be at least 90. man i hope when i get older i just don't gain a bunch of weight. that would be scary. I've been skinny my whole life. maybe i should start working out maybe that will help me have more energy to walk and stuff on campus with the heavy back pack. i really need to figure out a way to get my back pack to weigh less . how does everyone else who drives to campus do it . maybe i should drie to campus to so i have a place to store my books. i jus have to go really early to find parking on west campus. man that would be realy early i already have a hard time waking up . hmm i wonder why i been waking up so early the past two days . i woke up at 3:00 last night and then again like every ten to twenty minutes . i think i will have jambe jucie tomorrow but man i really need to sart saving money . hmm do i work tomorrow i should go check my schedule. i wonder if sunita is home from work now . shes probably at home . oh man im going to have to change to go to barnes and nobles . im comfortable to . lets seee oh i have only 30 more seconds i wonder if it going to stop or if i have to stop it . i guess i will see . okie well buhbye . it wnice talking to myself. oh perfect . i have to stop it . hehe . oki e buh bye maybe i should start a diary i like talking to myself. i know im weird. bye .
College, in itself, is a completely new experience for me. Before I began I was mostly nervous about the academic aspect of it. I was afraid that I would not be able to handle the academic challenge of college here at the University. However, now that I am a week into classes, I feel more comfortable and more confident. My classes are challenging, but I feel like I can meet that challenge.      College is different for me in another way as well. I am from San Antonio, so I am away for college. I am not far at all, but I am still away. I am very close to my family and friends so it is a little hard for me to be away from them. However, I am not feeling homesick at all. I do miss my family and friends back home, but I do not have that want or urge to go back home to go to school. I am becoming very comfortable in the environment that I am in. I am enjoying meeting new people and encountering new experiences.       Before I left to come to Austin, I met this guy and we became a little more than just good aquaintances. I liked this guy a lot because he listened to me and understood me. We had gone through very similar situations concerning our past with family, so it's more like we understood each other. It was because we understood each other so well that I became convinced that this guy was my soul mate. I loved him for the person he was. However, I was confused and thought that this meant that I was in love with him. It wasn't until just recently that I discovered that i wasn't in love with him. All this time I feel like I was leading him on to believe that I loved him, and I thought that I did. He did absolutely everything for me. He sent me flowers, came up here to visit me for just a few hours, bought phone cards for us to talk on the phone for hours, and so much more. How is it that I could not be in love with this person? When I told him how I felt just a few days ago, he felt so betrayed. He thought that I had been lying to him this whole time about my feelings. Was I? I, myself, didn't even know exactly how I felt. And the worst part is that I couldn't even explain myself clearly to him, which made him so confused. He thought that it was something he did wrong that made me not love him. I don't want to hurt him because I do care about him a lot and, like I said before, I do love the person he is. I just can't give him the same affection he gives me. I can't make myself love him like he loves me. I feel so selfish for doing this, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish there was something I could tell him that would make him understand. But even if he understood, that wouldn't stop him from feeling hurt and rejected.
My life is an out of control freight train. I know not where I am going or how I am going to get there. Throw a match upon me and I could combust or possibly extinguish the flame, which you so eagerly tried to ignite. But for what reason do you do this? I hold the answer to so little, so it is to you that I pass the question. Why am I all of the sudden asking myself why? I know where I came from but does this mean I cannot know where I am going? On I travel into the world unknown, uncontrolled by arms of mythic proportions. This gyroscope of time has hurled many an uncertain soul into its path with unrelenting mercy. This is why I am grateful that I do not have to face the world alone. My life is full of love and hope. My hopes of myself are to touch some person the way I have been inspired by many a magnificent soul. This ring of stupidity, which we call life, is taking place in a common fashion and I can see through your blurry sight. And I can see through you! Your rules mean nothing to me and mine. I live a life of loyalty, true to myself and my own. I draw so much upon my music that I sometimes misinterpret fiction for fact. My life is one long song, sung by the most gifted beings.
College is so cool. This is a pretty cool campus. Surprisingly I'm really not that scared or homesick, and I'm 1400 miles away from home. I grew up in Dallas, TX. , but I moved to Minnesota when I was 11 and then to Wisconsin when I was 15. Now I'm back in good ol' Texas to stay. I have quite a few friends here so it's not like I'm alone. In fact, I saw my old elementary "girlfriend" the other day down on the drag. I was walking to get my books and she was in a 99 black ford mustang driving the other way. She honked the horn and waved and as I looked back to wave at her, I tripped on a pole and nearly fell flat on my face. I don't know if she saw it. i hope not. I called her up tonight to talk to her, but she wasn't home so I left a message. I said, "it was cool seeing you the other day, but I don't know if you saw me almost fall flat on my face, it was embarrasing. I can't go out looking like that so give me a call so I can reedem myself. "  I can't believe that the jester tv channel shows cool movies. My roomate is watching the movie Fallen right now with this girl. He says its really scary, but I just think it's weird. It's funny, I never really get scared that much by movies and stuff. I think I just tell myself that it's not real and then it doesn't bother me. That must be like psychology or something. Damn, I think about the opposite sex way too much. I love girls, I think that they are the most beautiful creatures to ever walk the face of the earth. I certainly picked the right campus for girls though. Like 70% of them are goddesses compared to the ones where I come from. Where I live now, most of the girls are big farm girls that could take me in a fair fight, and they are all polish. Polish people are so stupid . . they'd couldn't make ice because they forgot the receipe. Well, my twenty minutes are up, so this is me signing off
I miss my guitar. I wish that I had brought one of them with me. I have to be sure to bring my amp and at least one guitar, maybe two of them back from home this weekend. That kind of sucks though, that I let mom borrow the one I really want to bring with me. I am glad though that she taking lessons. Maybe I could teach her some Metallica. I hope she helps Erin pay for that car she wants. But Erin also wants to get it repainted, because she just doesn't like the color. Oh well, I'm glad Erin is getting that car, BMW's are real safe. I should know, I've totaled enough of them. That scares me though, because kids have wrecks, and I've already lost a cousin, I don't know what I would do if I lost my sister. At least they're safe cars. I hope I can get a car for Christmas. I know I totaled a bunch of cars, but I was also an addict when I was in all of those wrecks, and I'm better now, it could be a reward. My doctor is really proud of me. When I told him that I had been clean for 101 days, he was very proud and said that "a lot of times adults can't even do that, so you must be an adult. " I was happy about that. I just wish that my dad was as proud, and understanding of how hard this is, and what a real accomplishment this is.
Stream of conscience. Just typing whatever comes to mind. I just woke up a little while ago from an exhausting week of this thing called college. I have made many friends, but still looking for that awesome bond, my best friend Brook and I shared. I am from out of state, so meeting people is a must for me. I meet someone new everyday; it's like a mind game that I play with myself. Can I remember his/her name? What crazy way did I try and remember his/ her name? I do want to go back home this weekend. All my friends that went out of state and those who stayed instate are going back home for Labor Day weekend. When I was small I used to spend this weekend up at our little lake cabin with my grandparents and my dad. My dad would drive up/down from wherever he was on business to take my sister and I up to the lake, for one last weekend full of sunshine and sunscreen. The word Sunscreen reminds me of the beach, Florida trips with my mom and stepdad and of course my wonderful little sister. I remember Cara and I would play Uno in the back seat of the pickup all 12 hours to Destin. Goodness writing from my conscience brings back a lot of memories. I am growing up, that's what everyone says anyway when you go off to school. Here I am its hard to believe that I am fully responsible for all of my actions, I have nightmares about not waking up in time for class or dreaming of scary situations with my friends and family from back home. A couple of "nightmares" I have had have truly disturbed me even after I awoke. So bad that I had to call back to Arkansas to make sure everyone was okay. Even though I new it was a dream, something inside me made me make sure. Random change of pace, but I am hungry. My favorite thing to eat in the morning is a cinnamon roll, but since I way slept through breakfast this Saturday afternoon, I will have to adjust my system to something much more healthy. My abs hurt when I laugh, they are a constant reminder of my wonderful workout last night. While most everyone was out boozing it up down on 6th street, my friend and I worked out. Seems a little ironic. A little bit of me wonders if I am truly missing anything, just the social aspect of college. I just feel that its okay to do whatever I want, and if I don't feel like getting ready to go out. I shouldn't bother with it, another part of me wonders how can I say no when I never have. I am only seventeen so I use that as an excuse until I turn eighteen at the end of the month, to decide if I want to go out or not. I bought my first football tickets yesterday, the lines weren't all that bad. I just thought this entire drawl process would just be horrible. No big deal. It did make me a little sad/homesick to see all of the groups of friends buying tickets together. Time. Just time and I will also be part of that group. Right? That is what I keep telling my conscience anyway. I am anxious to reread all of these random thoughts from my conscience to see how I jumped from one subject to the next, or even what I did write about. I guess that is your experiment or research on this. I am looking forward to the next class and the research sign ups.