My room is so dark and cold right now. I wish my roommate didn't like to sleep as much so that I can have lights on and have the blinds open. I call my room oppressive sometimes. But I like my roommate so I am willing to compromise for her. So far, she has proven herself to be a good person and above all, a good friend. Today, when I needed someone, she was there for me. Well, today I found out there was more to a story that my boyfriend told me. I was so hurt and tearful and angry. And I felt alone. He is one of my closest friends but I can't go to him now. And so I went to her. She was there and comforted me and gave me food, which is always a sign of good friendship. She gave me advice and stuff. But I am debating whether or not I am going to take it. See, I love my boyfriend so much. I can't see myself living without him. I don't know what to do. I feel likke he has deceived me and I honestly can't trust him anymore. Trust was the thibng that I sough in him. It was the thing that I could not find anywehre else. No one but him made trust available to me. And now that feelign is gone. I really do love him though, and I am hoping that love will get me through this, but it can only go so far. I have to think of my own feelings. I have to think of what is good for me too. I shouldn't be in a relationship where trust isn't there. I shouldn't put myself in a position where I will be hurt again and again. But on one note, this is the worst thing he has ever done. He loves me so much and cares for me so much. He wouldn't hurt me for no reason. But he didn't have a reason. well in a way he did. He didn't want to tell me the truth of the situation cause he knew I would get upset and be hurt, which is the way I am now. I just wished he had told me the truth and been honest with me. I always enjoyed how we were so open and honest with each other. Now, I feel like it can't be like that. I feel it will be like that not cause we want it to be but because he knows I don't trust him and therefore he has to be honest with me so I can trust him again. Depsite all of myfeelings for him, I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I shoudl forgive him completely, give him a third chance, or just dump him. I love him to much to let him go completely so there goes option nubmer 3 but I cannot forget what he did. It will always be on my mind. I will always recall the time he deceived me. I don't like feeling deceived. It makes me feel used and disgusted with myself. I honestly feel like curling up in bed with the lights off. But then I would be doing as my roommate does. I wonder what he is thinking now. I wonder if he is really sorry for what he did. I wonder if he cares about me as much as he says he does. I can't fathom what is going on through his head. He is always thinking about stuff. He denies it but you can tell. YOu can alawys tell with soemone like that. I really do love him. I really really do. And my heart tears every time he does bad stuff to me. But this is his first time to do anything this bad. Usually he makes small mistakes like neglecting to do something. This is big. He hid something important from me. Well. . yeah he did lie to me before. And I forgave him cause it was not really that important of a lie. It was jsut the fact that he lied to me that hurt. It breaks my trust and ruins all of the faith that I have in him. I have faith in such few things. Like, I love all of my high school friends, but I know that they weren't the best to me at times. THey would leave me out and ignore me at times. My boyfriend has always proven not to be like that. He is there for me when I need him. Maybe we should be friends instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. But we tried that in the beginning and eight months later we are in love. It is probably inevitable that if we do become friends again, we would fall in love again. Our personalities are like that. We are really good together like that. Everyone says so and I feel it. I feel a connection to him that I have never felt with anyone else. It is the strongest bond that I could ever have or ever will have. I can't tell anyone how much he means to me. If they do ask, I tell them that he means the world to me. Oh God, I think I've turned to one of those codependent girls that I've always hated. Ugh, I hope not. I hate to be like. Hopfeully i am not.