ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
Well, I really don't know what to talk about now. I can't really think of what I am feeling. I guess relaxed and at the same time stressed. I have so much chaos in my life now that I can't even think straight. I just moved to a new city and a new home. I joined a soroity where I am suppose to meake all new friends in 1 week or less. I have a boyfriend that is non-exsistent in my life now. I have school work that I don't even know how to work on. I am just a mess. I am going home next weekend so maybe that will calm my nerves. I was very much overwhelmed when I came here about 3 weeks ago. I wasn't ready at all for this new experience in my life. I was but I wasn't at the same time. I was so ready to leave my parents but not to be on my own all the time. I sometimes feel depressed that I have no life but in actuality I really have it the best. I am waiting for my "boyfriend" to come and see me tomorrow. I have been waiting for 2 weeks. Don't know how long it will last. There are a lot of guys here that are also interested. I don't know. One minute I feel upset and just want to cry and roll up and the next I just want to go out and have so much fun. I miss my parents and brother so much. My dogs are also important to me and I dearly miss them. In high school I never use to study and now I am forced to or I will fail. Which the tachers don't give a crap about if anyone fails or not. In high school they did. I have so much to get use to and I am scared to tell the truth. I don't know why this is a question because no one will read this so I won't get into a lot. I am having fun though. I have met some really cool people and I know we will be friends for a long time. My soroity has also been a big aspect in my life right now. AEPhi is the name of it. I feel comfortable there and I know I will enjoy it immensley. Well, I don't know what else to talk about. I hope everything will turn out for the better and I can realx and actually enjoy myself and everyone else.
I am pretty proud of myself today, for I got much more accomplished than I thought I would. I figured that after my last class I would just take a nap. But instead, I went to the gym and had a great workout. It's always good to make a plan of everything that you want to do in a day. I always have to do lists. They are so useful, and I feel so organized when I make them. And when I finish everything on one list, I feel so good. It is a great feeling. I haven't been having too many great feelings recently. I'm not sure if I like it here. I don't think I ever will either; that is what bothers me the most. Everyone keeps telling me that it is going to get better, that I'll meet more and more people that I like. I just don't think it's going to happen. I really wish I had gone to Brandeis, for things would be so much easier. It is a smaller school, near Boston, much closer to my parents. Then I'd be able to see Brian and Jessie so much more often. I probably could see them every weekend if I wanted to. My phone bill would definitely be a hell of a lot less. That would be so good, because I don't have enough money. I feel bad asking for more from my parents, but it would just be so much easier. I think I really want to apply for that job at George Women. That is definitely a cool store because it has everything that I love there! Another thing I have noticed about being a college student, is that now I don't care about how I look or dress or anything like that. In high school, it was such a big deal to wear the "right" clothes and things like that. I didn't even mind doing that, and it seemed normal. I just miss my friends so much. I made such great connections with three people in high school, and I miss them so much. I am so jealous of all my friends who are so close to each other. Why do I have to get stuck with going to this huge school? It's not fair that I have to go through so many changes all at the same time. I just wish things were easier. It would make me so much happier. I feel like I have done something awful, that I deserve to feel like crap. I know that if I just keep on going, day by day, then things have to get better. I'm just so used to having so many friends and knowing so many people. I have just gotten thrown into this huge pile of people, and not knowing any of them is just plain weird. I just hope that getting use to this school will be a lot easier and quicker than it seems like it will be. I think that things will become so much better once I get used to this school. I certainly hope so because I just want to be happy.
What is my problem? I have got to be the biggest bum on the planet. Does that mean I have some kind of psychoanalytical problem? I don't know about complexes and childhood mistakes but I do know that there is really something disturbingly lazy about my attitude towards things. What kind of person could put his entire future on the line by not taking care of his college responsibilities? I am that kind of person. I'll probably drop out of college or something and what's even worse is that I see the problem staring me right in my face but I am either to lazy or to apathetic to change my situation. Maybe I am a combination of both. Honestly, what will my parents say? Well, my Dad will probably be relieved that I came back home to him. Not in the way most families would be relieved though. He would just have another speech to hang over my head after every other mistake I may make in the future. He will probably totally dominate on me like he used to back in the day. He literally did not care about how you felt. Maybe that is not quite accurate. I am convinced that he cared about people, and he cared about the family structure as a whole, however his total control over everyone in the house was clear and unbinding. He probably would have defended us with his life, I am sure of it. It is ironic; he would die for us but he wouldn't compromise with us to save his life. Compromise? Never! God forbid! I know it cannot be that hard to prioritize. Wait a minute. How funny is that? I of all people have no business trying to tell someone to prioritize especially when it will be a God sent miracle if I turn in all my assignments this semester. But maybe, just maybe I have stumbled on to something here. I mean, well, what is the point I am trying to make? Maybe I recognize similarities between my persona and the people I have associated myself with over the years. Duh that's a no brainer. But it is interesting the way one can tell. With my friends it is very, very easy to see that we all talk and act and think alike. Sometimes we deliberately change ourselves to fit the mold. With people you dislike it is very different though isn't it? It seems that what we see in them we hardly see at all. I can feel, if almost by instinct, that he and I have some very serious related issues, however one doesn't just stumble over them in his summation of the days events. A person has to be writing on a day very much like today, working on an assignment, very much like this one, following his "stream of consciousness. " Whatever that means is almost beside the point as far as I am concerned. Maybe this is like a journal or something. Maybe I should start writing a journal or something. I can be like "Captain James T. Kirk" writing his "captains log. " Wow. How did I get so off track? All I know is that I started this thing at twelve sixteenpm which means that in another minute I will be able to stop writing about my pitiful mental concepts. I'll probably drop off in mid sentence or something
Hello, well I'm writting my stream of consciuness at a friends room because the  ethernet at my room does not function as of yet. So here I am pondering as to what to say. It angers me that I have not been able to log online at my apapartment yet. i intead to call the ethernet people and ge the situtation rectified but as of yet I have not had ample enough time to properly do that. Well, school is pretty cool so far so I don;t have much to complain about, I just ate lunch and suprisingly the school cafeteria food isn't that bad, in fact it sort of is pretty good, they have nice burgers and I always pile on the tabasco like the bastard I am. Twenty minutes is quite a long time, I bet my response here would be more interresting if I was under the influence of some intoxicating something or other, not that I do that sort of thing, but who really cares right?  I seriously doubt anyone is reading this and if you are then I send out a hearty "hey hey hey". Well hey, anyways,b back to the subject at hand wich is nothing except for the monotomous and endless stream of infinity that flows through my veins like a vapor of the serpent that eats tiny little fleas that impend on the consciouness of the letter better red little ant eater. Oh hey, are you following my consciouness?  Or are you thinking that I have lost my mind in the impending fires of infinity that ingulf the ebb and tide of an ocean tht haas not yet come to grips wit hthe reality that condesends to the vast pits of a sub-world burried in the truths of a mad man who has lost all sense of truth,  pity, and denial, opting aptly for the tools osf self destruction and the endless orgasm of the inevitable ghost. So we can fully understand our prophets. who cares?  who cares about the subtle truths that we seek to uncover in I various means of apathetic lethargy?  perhaps we schould quote some famous scholar and then abolish our reason with the tip of a hat a cigar made from banana leaves?  Where have our morals gone today?  Where is the profanity in a language that adulates the adoration of adulturation and the abominal abortion of the spirit of the infite wisdom burried in the truths of an incoharant lunatic rambling at the sppeed of a jack rabbit copulating wit hthe pourpouse of my reasoning. Well I ponder if it's been twent ymintues yet, and I think that it indeed has so I must depart with a hearty hand shake and in the words of the infinite wisdom of the great and all mighty pooh bear, say ta-ta for now. take it easy and such. where is the party in the silent room?  Indeed if you know won't you please come and joing me. All is ripe for the tacking. So long for now.
I'm sitting all stressed out. For the first time since if got to UT I've had to study and do homework for a large period of time. I guess for the first time since I've gotten here I'm starting to realize how much work its going to take. The fraternity stage is getting old. They don't tell you that you are going to be busy about everyday of the week doing sometimes pointless stuff. I'm new to the fraternity scene and already I'm feeling somewhat burned out. And paying a lot of money to clean the frat bathrooms isn't my idea of fun anyway. Even drinking is getting old. Its almost to the point that you can expect to get messed up every night and that takes the fun out of the whole thing. I don't like admitting this to myself but it would be nice to see someone from the family right now. I'm not homesick just kind of feel like I'm missing out on everything that's going on in my brothers and parents life. It's hard to deal with the fact that the family life is never going to be the same again which is somewhat of a relief but also a little scary. At least I am enjoying living with my roommates. They were my friends before I came here but I am a bit surprised to how good we are getting along. With my friend dying last week I found myself today thinking I saw him in other people. The reality of death has hardly set in on me. His picture of him alive is hanging right in front of me, but its hard to comprehend there is no more life in him. I almost feel like all my experiences with him were pointless because he is dead. Even seeing him in an open casket I failed to connect him laying there to his death. I attribute this to the fact that this is the first person in my life that I was close to that has died. It's weird but it will help me in the future to deal with the harshness of death. More than ever I think along the lines of life after death. I'm firm in my beliefs regarding the subject but I somewhat question what its really like. I guess you never take death seriously until it effects you on the personal level. I hear of people dying everyday but it has never registered to me how important everyone's life his to someone else out there. And above all I guess the possibility of death seems more likely. I feel less likely to put myself in situations where my life is on the line.
Is U. T. for me? Should I have stayed with my friends in Houston? I thought I was going to meet to meet a lot of new people here. I don't know what to do? Why am I here? I don't even know what I want to be. Is college even for me? I hate that song. I think I could be happy with a low paying job. I don't know. People here are different; maybe it's just me. College is supposed to be the best time. I over think everything. I should just go with the flow. Everyone tells me you will love it here once I meet a few people, but it seems unlikely. I have met a lot of new cool people, but I can't see them being as close as my friends back home. Even the girls here act differently. I have meet a lot of new girls, but it wasn't what I expected. It seems like I'm the only one who feels this way. I know I over think everything. Maybe I'm not giving U. T. a chance. I think I'm trying, but I feel awkward here. I worry way too much. I don't know why I always think about this. That music is loud. I hate complaining like this, its useless, but it's all I think about. Who knows maybe I'll meet new people when I go to I. S. A. tonight. But I know it's going to be like everything else, you might meet new people but you will never see them again or get to know them. I'm so glad I am going home this weekend. What will I do?
Right now, I'm a little confused. I'm not sure how one goes about tracking their feelings, or even focuses on them long enough while typing. I'm wondering if anyone is really going to read this. While I'm a little frustrated with the assignment, I think I would much prefer to be the one typing than whoever the poor soul is that has to read 900 some odd of these things for whatever purpose. OK. My arm itches. Now I feel stupid for typing that. I'm a little tired. It's almost 9 at night and I've been at school all day. 17 and a half minutes. I'm sitting in the UGL. I like their computers because they are much faster than mine at home. I only have dial up. Also, I like the library computer lab because I like to listen to all the clicking of the keys on the keyboards by the other people in the room. Now I'm a little self conscious that I may be hitting the keys too loud. I'm typing much quieter now. 14 and a half more minutes. I'm in a chair that rotates and rocks. I like chairs like that because I can move around. I can't sit still too long. I'm a fast mover. Even in class I'm constantly rocking, or fidgeting, or drumming with my fingers. I'm getting tense. I'm anxious for the 20 minutes to be up. 12 and a half minutes. I'm running out of things to say. This is very much like a one sided conversation. OK. I'm stumped. I'm sitting here racking my brain, but in doing so I think I'm violating the purpose of this assignment as being random. 10 more minutes to go. My arm itches again. Ha ha. I have my cell phone next to the keyboard. My girlfriend got it for me, but I hate it. It gets horrible range, and the ring is weak. It rings like an old feminine man. I'm ashamed to carry it around. My girlfriend insists, though, so I do. It's the path of least resistance. I'm better at arguing than she is, but she can argue longer, and in the end, it's her endurance that wins out. I'm swinging in my chair. I seriously hope no one has to read this. I hope this is some study about how long 18-24 year old males typically type in 20 minutes or something. My sincere condolences to whomever has the misfortune of pouring over each one of these with the intent to interpret some psychological insights. 3 more minutes. I'm perking up a little bit. I can see the proverbial finish line. I'm swinging in my chair again, but my arm stopped itching. Yeah!  2 minutes. OK. Now, I'll admit. I'm stalling. I'm holding out for 2 minutes. This is like watching water boil. What I'm feeling?  I've never been so anxious all day as I am right now. 1 minute. I'm stumped. 10 seconds. Bye!
I lost interest of the situation but after a whole summer of not talking to her I started to miss her. I had attempted to email her but she never responded, I guessed that she was mad at me. I have emailed her 6 times with no reply but I am a persistent bastard so finally today, in fact just before I opened this page I decided to check my email as I do every day and there was her email. it explained that she had not checked her email all summer, it may not be true but it works for me. I proceeded to write her back thereby postponing this assignment around 10 minutes. I will eagerly await her reply as I basically demanded to see her. We'll see if she accepts. I never checked to see when I started this but I will keep on writing until I run out of shit to say. I assume that cursing is not a problem, I understand that this is a class full of naive little freshmen but I think we are all mature enough to hear such profanities, don't worry I wont go pornographic or anything but the instructions were to write what was on my mind and I am an avid cusser so I hope this will do (that is if anyone actually reads this masterpiece of stream of conciousness writing). now I am running out of things to say. I like most of my classes. my major is biochemistry. I am 20 years old. I have brown hair blue eyes,  I like to play football watch football,  OPENING DAY IS SUNDAY!  I live for football actually,  I like movies, I am filling in space. this is odd and I am going to stop now. thank you kent
I'm supposed to be writing from my stream of consciousness. I guess I'll find out how random my thinking is, as if I didn't already know. I really like this CD too bad this is his only one. I wonder what CD I should listen to next. I should try to call Janet again. I really want her to come visit me up her. I know how much she likes Austin. I'm really glad that I didn't buy those tickets for the Chemical Brothers since now I have a math test that night. I wonder when the concert starts. I really do want to go. And the concert is the day after my birthday, it would be a present to myself. Plus, I've been waiting 2 years for them to play in Texas. I really like this song. This room is rather boring. We definitely need to get some more stuff on the walls. I have to make a list of stuff to pick up when I go home, otherwise I will forget everything and I don't know when I'll be going home again. I think I'll listen to Semisonic next. I haven't listened to that CD in awhile. I'm glad I decided to bring the CD with me. Today is Deidre's birthday, and Allison's. I should send Allison a card. I wonder if Kisha got the one I sent her. I need to get a prepaid calling card so I can talk to her. She needs to come visit me too. I should probably email her again. This bed is so hard, it's making my back hurt. But I have to admit, it's not quite as hard as the one I had during orientation. You would think the mattress would give some after having so many people sleeping on it. I miss my bed at home. It's so comfy. Wow there are a lot of people walking by all of a sudden. I think that this is one of the coolest assignments I've gotten in a long time, it's much better than all the busy work I had to do last year. My mom will be happy to know that I like my psychology class. I won't be talking about music all the time, I'll actually have something related to my major to tell her. Well I think that's been my 20 minutes of truly intelligent thinking.
I am so down in the dumps right now because I have just broken off  a two year relationship. I seriously  hope I didn't just throw away the best relationship I ever had or will have. I can't help but feel slightly unattractive right now because Mark has already started to get over me quite well and Reid and Eric don't treat me the way they used to. I dont understand why people can't simply be honest about the way they feel. I probably have spent half of my life wondering what everyone else was thinking. I t is such a waste of time. If I saw a girl and she seemed really nice, I don't see why I couldnt just go up to her and be like, "hi"  And  guys won't ever meet a girl with the intention of gaining a friend. The whole process is so much more exasperating than it seems worth at times. The friends I have now are my good friends. I just instantly clicked with them. There wasn't any of this trying not to seem overly eager to hang out with you bullshit that usually goes along with the turf of making new  friends. That's sort of why I resent Plano I guess. The stupid system and expectations they have totally just messed me up in the head. I don't have nay self-confidence. It is hard to feel like you are somebody in a class of 1500. I wasn't good at any sports, or at least not good enough to play there. so why did I come to a school with 50000 people full of clicks just like it was in high school?  I will probably be perpetually putting on the front of self-confidence and self-assuredness. thats what sucks about the world. Everybody just bullshits everyone else. People are so insincere and self-serving. I know I am. there are so many rules that govern the group that you belong to. You can't wear what you want or anything. I am not saying that I don't like the way that I look but every now and then it would be cool to go out in what I want to wear  or whatever and I could know that people weren't  talking about  it behind my back. Looking at my thoughts on screen makes me so ashamed of them. I'm nit a bad person. I just kive up to every part of the whole Greek system that ever gave it a bad name. rush is such a load of crap. everyone acts like they know or care who you are. it all turns out to be the same people in the same crowds that they ran around with in high school. I wish the rest of the work wasn't like this too. But I guess is doesnt matter where you go because it will always be the same old bullshit. pretty girls date the cutest boys who have the good luck to bring home the big bucks to raise their kids in an upper middle class lifestyle. so it goes. Kurt vonnegut really knew what was up. That's why I like him because he doesn't preach all this "the sun will come up tomorrow crap"  he knows that if the sun comes up tomorrow you will probably get a really bad sunburn and die of skin cancer in the end. I hope mark doesnt meet any girls at this party I just don't want it to be too late to have him back once I get this whole lifestyle change thing out of my system.
I am sitting here on my bed in my dorm room. It is 11:15 at night  on a  wednesday. My friend is sitting here with me and we are about to watch the movie  Go. We just came back from brians room where we watched Pulp Fiction. My foot  kinda itches. I feel like I ate too much today. I am mad at myself because I  smoked two cigarettes today and I don't usually smoke unless I drink alcohol,  but it was fun anyway. I really hate to read and study, I would so rather go  out and party or even just hang out with people. I kinda feel like I get behind  because I am a slow reader and I can't comprhend all of the information in one  sitting. I keep losing concentration. I really want a rug in my room. I just  boiled some water to make coffee for suzanne and I . I am really gald I don't  do drugs or deal them. I kinda have a headache. I am really stressed out right  now about getting all of my work done. I need to find two monologues by friday,  type them up and read the plays they come from. I really want to be a good  successful actress when I graduate from collge and move back to LA. I know it  doesn't look like I wrote a lot but I am just ti