why did these girls from my hometown just call me and invite my roomate and I to a frat party? what were they thinking? these silly girls went to school with me for 4 years, and all of a sudden I have changed into a college girl that wants to drink, party, and hang out with jocks?? uhhh, I don't think so. I mean, it is a nice gesture, I guess. I would almost rather they not call at all. that would make me feel so much better, I hate seeing all of those kingwood people in austin. I eamn, I did come here to expand my horizons. I do not think that frat parties are neccessary to experience what college is all about. So, I decided to stay at home and work on psychology homework. Why? it isn't like I am enjoying this. I would much rather be out watching a band, or listening to music, or hanging out with my best friend holly. I really like the fact that we are roomates now. over the summer and for about the last year or so, we didn't get to hang out very much. But, now that we are here, it is like we are getting to know each other all over again, and I love that. Even though we are extremely different now, she is like part of my family and makes this huge campus seem somewhat small and unintimidating. She is also a lot like me, like when those girls called, I could tell by her facial expressions that it was a ridiculous idea. It was almost as though I could read her mind. My foot itches. Tomroow, I am going to church for the first time in about 6 months. I don't know why I stopped going, maybe I got too pessimistic or maybe my spiritual side just died with the loss of some important friends. I am not really sure, but I am certainly hoping to revive that side of me, because I definately need some sort of outlet for all of this stress and lonliness. No, that is not the right word, I am not lonely, maybe just scared of what I am to become being spiritually dark. Why did that happen? I don't understand so many things, but I am trying. I have also been going with Holly, my best friend, to her church related organization on campus. I really like it a lot, maybe things will change soon. I miss my mom. I hope that she is ok without me, and my little brother too. He is in second grade and doing so well, but he hates school. He isn't very attentive, but very creative. I miss my family, we were very close. Except for my dad, he is a jerk. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find it important to speak to him again. I don't really think so. He does nothing but cause stress and harm, he doesn't pay attention unless it is something bad. He doesn't know me, yet he seems to evaluate my every BAD move, without noticing the good ones. I am not a girl that holds onto grudges, but I am too pessimisstic right now to forgive him. Maybe it will come in time. I hope that I am not studying the wrong things for class. I often wonder how I am going to make the grades. I mean, I know I can, I am very smart, but it is hard to concentrate right now with all of these things happening at once. Especially coming to college for the first time. I never dreamed that it would be as draining as it is. Once again, I am so glad to have Holly here to keep me in my comfort zone. It is said that you make some life-long friendships here, but I am struggling with all of these new people. I have not found the time to REALLY get to know anyone that is new yet. It is like they are all aquaintences. I am sure that that will all change, once I am in the swing of things and I do not refer to old friendships as a comparison. Why are we doing this assignment? Am I part of some sort of research? I would like to know, I feel like I am spilling all of these things onto paper, maybe someone will read them and take them into account, maybe not. Maybe I am just another research rat. Why do they always do research on rats? I don't get it? If you are going to hurt an animal, why is it always rats? I mean, isn't there something that is closer to humans genetically than rats? maybe monkeys. But I do not like that animal research idea at all. Give it up. We are human, we are not supposed to understand everything that walks, breathes, and thinks. We should just contemplate it, talk to people, and think about them to ourselves. Why should we impose onto other species? What if it was the other way around? Wouldn't we think. "Why do they even care? It isn't as if they can change anything, even if they wanted to?" People are people, it is instinct, why should we cut it apart. It almost ruins the whole experience of life on Earth. or mars for that matter. Do we care if there is life on Mars? Unless we interact with them in some way, why should we care? Technology is killing man, man is killing himself. Life is supposed to be fun and exciting. not facts, computers, and stress about the y2k crap. Oh well, I don't understand. Why am I thinking all of this at one time? Pretty weird how it all just sort of comes to my fingers as I am typing, but I suppose I am thinking it for a reason. I got a package today, it was a necklace from a friend in houston. it was nice but he said taht when he saw it it made him think of me. Why? I asked myself did that necklace make him think of me? it really isn't anything like my fashion. and there was no letter inside, only a necklace. I mean, it is the thought that counts, but that is ridiculous. I think I deserve more credit for my individuality than that. hahaha. ok, I am really hoping that some good shows come around here in austin. I miss the punk rock scene in houston. I am sure I just need to get to know people who like it and just start going. I found a club that I am really into now, it is called the concert comittee of the texas council. I am extremely excited about that. I wonder if I am going to dream about any of thise weird stuff tonight. I wonder if it will stay inside my head and dwell there until my eyelids close. Then, all of the thoughts will explode and I will have one huge lng dream about my dad, holly, church, monkeys, rats, and music. that would be weird huh? I definately think so. Well, my back is definately starting to hurt from sitting in this stupid dorm chair for so long. I want a back rub. ad you are probably wondering why my assignment is long. I can type extremely fast for some weird reason. I am done. enjoy me *cara*