so this is the first entry, and it happens to fall on a day when things are really. Shitty. I don't know if I have the desire to join the rowing team, though I've already told everyone that I was going to; my internet connection was messing with my earlier, a reason to cry in itself; my relationship with a boy I don't know enough about. Lets start with that. I've been dating him for about a year and a half, and I don't know who he is. will he cheat on me?  is my relationship anything to be worried about?  if a stranger looked into our lives, would he giggle, surprised at the immaturity of our  relationship?  is it anything to try to save?  I hope so, if not I'm a fool. but I think I'm one anyway. but paul henry, he knows his shit, it seems. or its that he knows that he doesn't know his shit. I wish I knew. I wish I knew him as well. though his devotion is something that would automatically clash with me. I have nothing against christians or their beliefs. I wish I could give myself up to that with no regrets. But I can't. I've been down that road, and its lead nowhere. have I spoiled my chances with a true love by being with brian?  will I ever be content in my own two damn shoes?  will I ever feel like I'm at home? will I be successful?  would I be happy without success?  it seems like the lives people live are all too perfect, even the less desireable, that there's some author out there, other than someones god, writing the stories of our lives. but he forgot me?  why am I not going anywhere, why can't I find this happiness and joy. my life is pathetic at this point. maybe its just this horrible attitude, but the only time I feel like I can be happy (or at least not pissed off) is with brian, laying in his bed, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. but how does this conflict so much with the previous statements?? it would seem that I am happy with him, but then comes the doubt and fears. I need to find myself, I say. only thing is. I don't know what that means. does anyone? its really this unattainable goal people teasing set in your minds. A state you need to obtain, but its in fact unattainable. the sad bastards who were told the same thing when they were younger are enraged that they don't know how to go about it, and they then ruin the lives of everyone after them, so they can suffer justly. I wish I were born in the old days, when you died of a flu and there wasn't such a thing as AIDS. people lived lightly, they wrote, they read, sometimes found something to revolutionize, but mostly enjoyed the simplicity of life. where did that virtue go?  how has it managed to slip through the fingers of time, and where would it have gone?  I wish I could sift through the ashes of our charred world, seeking only the beauty and peace that once was everywhere, but now seems like you have to search for only to get the smallest glimpse of it. how come I can't be a writer?  how come I can't write?  I want to study people, not medicine. why would I declare this major?  if I studied other peoples lives all the time, would I have a life of my own?  is true adulthood worth it?  people always want what they can't get. I get what I don't want. everything always seems like it gets really good, I mean reaaaally good, right when its about to end. will college be like this?  will life itself be like this?  will I stop asking so many damn questions??  will he call?  would I want him to? I don't want this life. anyone want to trade?  I want a life of the storybooks, of unquestionable love, faith and virtue. knowledge, hope, and an impeccable body would be nice too. I want all the money in the world, I want to live in a time without money. I want to be a movie critic, I hate bad actresses with hair that doesn't fit their character. I hate living with someone other than who I love. I hate not knowing if its really the true love they talk about. I hate being inadequate, I hate second guessing everyone. I hate being critical. I hate chocolate chips. I hate gaining weight. I hate stretchy jeans that don't look good. I hate running out of time, I hate trying to fill time. I hope this class makes me realize a few things about myself, although I'm not sure why it would. Seven six five four three two one.