ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
9 on the West Campus bus- please let me know if this will be a problem with the requirements of the assignment.  So what is this supposed to tell you?  Are all of my little Freudian hang-ups going to show themselves in my "stream of consciousness" writing?  "There are no right or wrong answers"?  fine. I am constantly amazed by the blank looks on other peoples' faces when I pass them on the street or sit next to them on the bus-- are they really that dumb or do they just do an excellent job of faking it?  I sound like a big asshole, I know, but really, watching other people is my thing. lately, I guess they've just been frustrating me. I try to pick at least one person everyday and try to figure out as much as I can just by watching them. I'm probably way off base, and I don't presume to know everything about everyone just because I spend a while watching them scratch their heads and play with their hair on the bus never mind, I'm sick of this line of thought. I like to draw I play the clarinet and the piano I have a boyfriend named Zach and a dog named Simon-- sometimes they're similar  I wonder how flammable my dorm room is. I wonder how long it would take the chicks on my hall to realize someone is barbecuing in their room. the frat boys are having a shindig of some sort outside my room and I wonder what the significance of the word WOO is- they say it all the time. I used to think I was an alien and sometimes that comes back to me I used to think a lot of things because I had way too active an imagination when I was a kid-- this is something no one should combine with drug use and I figured that out pretty quick sometimes Zach really annoys the shit out of me-- if I'm an alien, so is he- just another galaxy he thinks I'm a bad driver and this just makes me want to cross big lanes of traffic and slam into a concrete wall just to prove what a bad driver really is. I also remember too much I don't like my fingernails much I wish I could play the guitar  I also wish I could make a perfect clay figure of my head so I'd know what it looks like to talk to me has it been twenty minutes? no. I'm looking at a screen full of garbage- how am I ever going to write a manifesto that will capture the imagination of the world and rocket me into super powerdom. if that's even a word. I do want to rule the world- a lot of people say that, but I really mean it my goal is to achieve greatness the only problem is that I have no idea how to even begin or what greatness even means to me I want to subsist on pomegranates entirely I have a really good relationship with my brother- he's really cool I had a dream that I could fly like a beetle I bet you don't even read this, do you?  so I could say that I want to kill the president or burn down the tower and it would go unnoticed?  I think the tower should be coated in Vaseline.
I'm feeling pretty good after my jog, but I usually do. I haven't worked out in two weeks; therefore, I was a little surprised that I could still jog the mile. I'm a pretty slow jogger. When I jog, I usually have company--either one friend or another. It's cool when I jog with friends that have about the same speed I do; that way, I don't get burnt out after jogging for only a short distance. In the summer I used to jog with some friends who had much longer legs than I do, and they were more fit. They used to joke that I had to jog two steps for every step that they took. That's good though, I'm getting the better work out. I used to have dreams about jogging and working out before I actually did start exercising regularly. In one of my dreams, I dreamt that I was running forever and it felt really good--I didn't get tired or anything. This past summer, I experienced something kind of like my dream. I jogged straight for  thirty minutes without stopping. When I was down, my muscles felt like jello!  Also this past summer, I didn't do much but go to summer school and work on my craft projects. I used to watch these do-it-yourself shows on PBS when I was little and I guess a part of me has always wanted to try some of the ideas out. In the past couple years, I've begun to do some craft projects on my own. My friend Tina wonders why I would buy so many supplies. I like the variety and after I make something, I usually give it away. so it's not like I'm keeping a dozen replicas of something in my apartment. I do use a lot of the things I made to decorate my apartment. without them, my apartment would look emptier than it already does. I don't have a couch right now, but my parents are coming up this weekend and I think we are supposed to buy a futon. that would be really neat. I've never had a futon before. I went to the Texas union last night and my friends and I saw a bunch of for sale signs for futons and sofas. I might have to go ahead and buy one of those if I don't get a futon this weekend. my friend peter said he'll take me furniture shopping too, at some thrift store. I don't want to buy any new couches right now because it'll be such a big hassle when I have to move out. for this coming summer, a couple of my best friends invited me to room with them if they stay up here for summer school. if I do that, then I can move some of my furniture into the apartment we share.
I'm always the last one to know he said. I know the feeling. What can I do to reach you?           You can know anything he said. but I didn't ask- I didn't know how. and is the offer still there? Are we ready to take it?  We've passed being ready. We never had a real beginning or middle- just skipped into this end? I want to slip into reverse. Where is our beginning?  Did it die when we said I love you?  You make it too powerful- I make it romantic abandon. I was afraid. I think I'm losing you- and I don't know how to fight that. I'm not sure I really know what we mean. . Maybe I was wrong for holding back- but you held back too- We both did. Let us lie together and hold one another and love. I look at you. looking at me. seeming wonder- take your hat off. smile at me through the cracks in your skin. Why do I get this feeling that in the course of my life I will have to become a Queen of letting go-?    . . a master. an expert- flawless mover. mask of beauty. horror. What is real?  I know. got me a name- but names change. Have this face. so do they sometimes. still, here I am. can close my eyes. learn to fly. far away-  To someplace where faces are real. no gunk to cover 'em. no baggage to smash 'em. I am only as free as I really want to be. As I allow myself to be- Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose- you go Janis baby- I don't remember the last time I was free. security. A face is security. can be. Lie down- daydream. sleep things off- give it time, start over. I'm so lonely. need to find someplace in myself- tap into my soul and dig out the pain. You Dwell on answers without thinking and lose yourself temporarily- What is the answer?  Hey didn't you know that 42 is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?  Bet on that 42- whatever 42 is. Go with it- run with- and try not  to think too hard about the way you see him- the way they curve in your mind- try to fill the empty space beside you with movement- try not to stop and then you won't miss. but that's not true. The Talmud had it right- We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are. And that is the sole truth- even when we think we cannot see ourselves.
I'm just sitting here thinking while I wait for my clothes to clean. While sitting here I realize how much my life is different in Austin rather than two hundred and eighty miles away in Nederland. For example, I always had someone to do my laundry there and if I did it myself I never had to wait for a washing machine. The thing I miss most about Nederland is not having my friends around. Even though my best friend and my girlfriend are also attending U. T and both are staying in Jester I still miss my other friends a lot. I always thought when I came to Austin it was going to be so much fun, but now I realize there is a lot of work involved. Only a week has gone by since I got here and I already have so much to do. That is another thing I miss about home, the ability to do nothing if I so desire. Here "doing nothing" is not an option. I feel that if I do nothing I will fall behind and just be wasting time. I miss the little things about home. Even though my girlfriend lives here I miss being able to go to each others house. Sure we can go to each others dorm rooms but I miss the feeling of home and hanging out with her family and mine. That is another thing I have not mentioned yet, I miss my family. I honestly did not think I would but I do. I guess over time I will grow accustomed to living here and maybe eventually be able to call Austin my home. Well, it's time to put the clothes in the dryer so I guess this is the end.
I am very tired bc I have been studying all day for various classes. I know that once the ball starts rolling its going to be hell. This semester is somewhat full of crazy classes for me. I can't believe that I am having to take these evening classes I much rather have my 8:00 classes so that I could go to work and make some money now I don't what I am going to do. I guess become a male escort ha ha. I guess whatever pays the bills and gets me through college. Alsoo on my mind is the fact that I am kind of seeing 2 girls. I find them both very interesting and suitable for my needs. Neither of them are materialistic which is great bc right now I am broke all I have to offer is my heart. I don't know bc about 2 weeks ago I was pretty much dateless and desperate and now I am seeing these two girls and I have two others wanting to go out sometime. This sucks because they are all great girls and I don't want to hurt either of them. But I can see that something bad is going to happen bc it always does. It always happens this way for me one minute nothing and when I start dating somebody seriously I suddenly become attractive again. I am just going to go with it and not lead anybody on. Man once again this sucks!!!   what else am I thinking about GRADUATING. I am tired of the school life I want to be out in the so called real world trying to fend for myself. Then again what am I talking about I am in the real world littl help from the parents and paying all the bills with the itty bitty pay checks I get. If I didn't have conscience I would be out there on the street corner selling drugs bc this barley getting by isn't cutting it. No money horrible job and always pissed off bc of this. Why can't my parents be rich. I wonder what its like to have everything given to you and never having to work for it. I just want to know what its like not having to worry about how am I going to pay the bills. And day in and day out I see these kids on campus without a worry in their mind. But do they appreciate this or do they take it for granted?  One can only wonder but I would be willing to bet its all taken for granted. But I guess like my dad said "son now your going to learn the value of a dollar and all those other kids handed everything will never appreciate anything they have. "  Hes not a educated man by any means but I believe he is right on this matter. For that reason I keep on keepin on wanting to gradute wanting to please my parents and mainly wanting to please myself. Now that I have rambled on for 20 minutes I am signing off.
Philosophy. can one truly think that one knows nothing?  If one truly thinks that one knows nothing, doesn't that mean that he in fact truly knows something. that he knows nothing. If God is omnipotent can he make a rock so heavy he can't carry it?  God. If he were the perfect God why hasn't he made himself present to the entire world?  How can this world think so highly of itself that it thinks it has found the right religion already. Maybe the true God has never been seen, has never been thought, has never been written down before. There always exists the possibility that perhaps the world came about in a way no one has every thought of before. It's possible and very probable. Can one truly put all his faith in God. If God is an almighty, omnipotent being, can one put his entire life into God's hands?  But then God says not to be foolish. Is it foolish to want an explanation. Maybe the confusion is meant for a reason. Have to get an application to College of Engineering. To be a genius wouldn't be so bad. It wouldn't be that great either. Everything has its ups and downs, black, white, heaven, hell, etc. Perhaps the goal is to reach a true balance. Maybe then we'll be content. Then again to be content and balanced you would have to have some discontent. Fashion is definitely too emphasized in this world. When will comfort be in?  It will probably take off like a forest fire. People will realize there are plenty of more important things than clothes and appearance. Of course that doesn't mean stop bathing and wearing dirty clothes. People need to get priorities straight. Why waste your time taking a speeding ticket to court. Time is money. Time is more valuable than money. Without time we are nothing. Without money, we are without money. Time will never wait nor come back. Smurfs. I remember Smurfs. Back in the childhood days when things weren't so complicated. A tiny blue creature was simply a tiny blue creature. Not a tiny conniving blue wench searching for self promotion or upholding a social image or making the extra buck. It was a time of snowmen and berry fights and rope swinging and rock climbing and tadpole watching. Nothing more, nothing less but perhaps invaluable.
I have no idea where to start on this thing, and I forgot to look at the clock 1:09, okay, I feel better now. This has got to be the longest version of Hotel California ever, it takes them about 3 years to start singing. I need to go to the grocery store, need to get some milk and hot dogs. the essentials. Could probably just run to the 7-11, then I could get a slurpee. This chair is still uncomfortable, even with this cushion. Should just by a new one, but don't know where I'd put this one in this tiny room. Dorms suck. Living it up at the Hotel California. Man, my typing skills have gone downhill, it's sad. I really should throw that bottle of water away, it's probably getting kind of funky. I'm going to fill this whole thing up in like 10 minutes, then what?  I want concert tickets, that was stupid waiting and then they sold out. I don't really want to pay a fortune, maybe 50. Doubt I could get them that cheap. I'm surprised Jenna hasn't charged over here yet, the morning's been really quiet. I've got so many things to do, none of which I probably will. got to write those thank you notes, if grandparents keep sending me cash I never will have to go to the bank, good deal. Oh, the screen moved up, maybe I won't fill the whole thing up. Ten minutes to go. My shoulder kind of hurts, must be sitting kind of funny. I wonder if I'll ever need those receipts, should probably just throw them away, see how much I can junk up my bullentin board, like I did my room. I could watch All My Children while I write my thank you notes, that sounds like a plan. I hope it's not a hayley and mateo day, don't think I could handle that. Got to love Lenny Kravitz. this song brings back memories of 7th, no 8th grade. I think I liked 8th grade, don't really remember. Back at good old H. m. s. I should really go find Jennifer and reminesce. Don't think that's spelled right, whatever. Haven't talk to Opie in awhile, she's probably off trying to be the next Jodie foster. psycho. Maybe she'll be home for the balloon fest, doubt it. It's going to be so hot and miserable, at least I'm not dancing. Wonder who'll be taking my place, hope it's not chrissy. Rachel will probably be back in my spot. That would suck. My foot's asleep, three minutes to go. The computer better not crash now. I really should clean this room up, that's probably on the list of things to do. I wonder what song is next. Oh, that's the end, good my time is up. 1:29, yeah.
Well, I'm listening to music right now and just relaxing. I'm about to start studying for Chemistry and Psychology so I do have a bit of work to do tonight. In Chemistry I need to do the homework and also the work for the discussion session. I'm almost done with the psychology chapter I've been reading all week. It's the most interesting book I've been reading, followed by biology, then chemistry. All of it kind of ties in together though which helps out a lot. Today I met a lot of people from my freshman interest group, which is kind of nice because I haven't met many people due to me living in an apartment. My phone line finally came in today after a week of waiting so I'm just now able to get on the internet, which I've sorely missed. It was pretty tiring moving all of my roommates and my furniture to our apartment because we're on the third floor. I have enjoyed school a lot more than usual so far, probably because it is actually interesting compared to high school. I'm glad someone picked up my shift at the Outback tomorrow to give me more study time, and also it helps because my car is in the shop and it was going to be hard to leave psychology at 5 and be dressed and ready for work at 6, especially without a car. I want to do the pretesting for the psych labs but the net is giving me a broken link. Oh well, I guess I'll do it later and maybe it will be fixed. I just got everything in my apartment organized today. I bought some hanging folders for all of my handouts, which are really helping, and other various organizers. I kind of like this assignment, I'm doing work but it's over what I'm thinking at the time and let's me see my thoughts. It's kind of like a recap of the day, because that's mainly what's on my head. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up on time considering that this morning I woke up at 9:10 and had to high tail it to my chemistry class by 9:30. Oh well, it's been about 20 minutes so I'm going to go ahead and study now for my classes. It was fun.
I'm very tired and don't want to take a shower I'll never be able to go to sleep  I wonder what mom and dad are doing supposed to call but roommate is on the phone I can't wait until this weekend to see Eric hope everything goes well and works out I really like him Anthony has always been there but I am changing and not happy anymore doesn't seem right not like it used to be I know he will always be special but I'm not sure I'm happy with him anymore  I hope Robin doesn't get lost waiting for me after class she probably will because she gets nervous being by herself I have so many math problems to work out and I don't even want to think about them. I cannot forget to bring my notes from last year from home, they will probably help me a great deal I can understand my notes a lot better My feet are so cold I have to put socks on before I go to bed I wonder how Adrean is doing my roommate took her some pizza that's really nice  I would be mad too, I hope everything works out she's very upset talking to her mom. Nothing is on TV it's hard to believe it's so late already time flies so fast there's not enough time to get everything done shouldn't have stayed so long at the RSC it was nice though and I had a good time glad I went  wonder if Anthony will call back so hard to let go of someone who seems like such a part of you I don't know if it's the right thing but if I wait too long I could miss my opportunity with Eric being friends is too hard because of everything we've been through old feelings are still there and get in the way of being friends I feel bad to do that to him sort of unexpectedly but I can't pretend to be happy with him anymore wonder what will happen we always seem to get back together eventually but this time seems different I can't forget to get my dirty clothes and the clothes I need to wear this weekend at home it is such a pain taking things back and forth  Wonder if Anthony will call Eric is working and won't get off until late have to get up so early and have to have everything together I still have so much to do but I'm too tired maybe I'll do it in the morning but then I can sleep later if I do it now I'll just do it before I go to sleep.
Yesterday, I went tubing with my family on the Guadalupe river. It was a blast!  It was the first time since I moved to college on Ague. 20th that I have spent time with my mom and sister. They are the two people that I miss the most back home and I was so happy and relaxed to get to spend time with them. I also got to see my little baby puppy bichon frise named Bebe who is absolutely spoiled rotten. It was weird going home and sleeping in my own bed for a night but it was also a great get away from school to just hang out with my family. I guess that I have been putting off any kind of homesickness by staying busy with school and trying to meet as many people as possible. I find that the more that I see my family the more I think about them and get sad so. I am refraining from going home for just that reason. I am waiting to find out if I am going to get an interview from the Texas Spirits and I have mixed feelings on whether or not I want to join. Part of my doesn't want to be joining an organization I am not 100% interested just because I am looking to meet some new cool people, but on the other hand I need to get involved in something at UT so that I can find so sense of belonging in this large school. I definitely am worried that if I get busy with an organization I would overstress about my classes and meeting the clubs requirements as a member. Deep down I know that most of my worries are pretty trivial compared to most peoples problems. I know that I am  very lucky just to get the chance to go to college and that is why I am so concerned on whether or not I am going to blow it. I am very concerned about my Chemistry class and I  have been thinking about how much I need to study all weekend. . Well, two classes ago we discussed on a scale from 1-10, what is your fear of death. My feels like it is 20. This is not because I lack a faith that their is a higher being or an after life, it is because I am afraid of losing someone I care about while I am away at school. I have been thinking a lot about a friend of mine who was going to be a sophomore at UT this year who passes away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism/clot. I am now grieving the loss of someone so young and so beautiful that I feel that my sense of security has been ripped away from me. I am now thinking if someone so healthy and young can lose their life so suddenly, whose to say that the couldn't be my brother/sister or mother/father. I guess that you could say that I am one of those people who worry to much and I worry that I will lose someone again and I wouldn't have had the chance to say goodbye. Anyways, this all sounds so childish and "heavy" for an 18 year old college student to be thinking about. Well I am so happy that these 20 min. have flown by and I can get to my real homework. It really felt go to get all of my thoughts out in a way that was quick and easy. I hope that I can get all of my work done tonight so that I don't get behind this week. This was a great assignment, I would not mind doing more of these. Have a great day!