sick nose running I feel like shit I think being sick makes me look ugly. I hate when I feel ugly especially in psychology class where there are so many beautiful girls they're all so different amazing I have a lot of anger in me sleep deprivation is getting to me gentle breeze made by a rickety fan in my room ac is not working like it should 14 years old I'm thinking what a dance club would be like I want to play guitar when this is over I wonder if playing can compensate for the lack of female companionship. I have tried, it all I think about. blinds dirty lips a little dry eyes burning butt getting tired would it feel that way if you got laid? wonder who came up with that word. fight club I wonder if tupac shakur could have played tyler durden's role, that is if edward norton's character was black. its friday and I don't have many things to do I think of what a date would be like. sometimes I can't believe how hard college dating is I mean is not this time about exploration so why do girls hold back so much. I don't know, it very important to me for some reason I wonder if you look better when you're sick or just like that sickly? this exercise is not free flowing as I thought it would be, I want to type continuously but can't I have to pause and formulate my thoughts into words, sucks I have so many abstract thoughts not thought in words, see I was hoping to excel in this too because psychoanalysis was a career field I was into. being good at this kind of exercise without practice would give me a flash of brilliance I hate looking out the window I feel like an old man depressed about life contemplating I have a strong sexual urge in me right now, I want to make love to a girl not sex I want to pride myself in the fact that I'm a rare college guy who can make love and not just have sex or get laid. I think about when girls smiled at me or were attracted to me, does that necessarily mean there is sexual chemistry. in my thoughts, yes. but real sex is different from thoughts, too many details you forget when you think about it. there are so many girls I want to get with at my 500 person psy class but I still have not and probably won't. I wonder how that affects me, especially on an unconscious level. maybe it translates into a low self opinion because I think that every girl thinks I'm ugly. how do I get over that negativity. is there a way to feel good, even if you don't get girls? can someone that does not have what someone else has, can they be as happy as that person?  my sexual thoughts are gone now, I'm still sick, about to sneeze, wow my thoughts are a lot more free flowing now, I have not stopped typing for about 5 minutes. I think I see it now, I'm getting deeper into my unconscious or preconscious maybe I'm thinking of all the girls that walk by. do they know, that if they snap their fingers, they can have any guy they wanted, what power. makes me wonder how I should deal with them. I think it would be very hard to get with them sexually because they all want something very specific. I thought about listening to music while doing this, but for the first 3 minutes I have found that it limits your thoughts to the subject matter and emotion of the song. I would rather get in touch with myself and hopefully have this analyzed and see what it means. next thing I want to do is free word association although not sure what it is. thoughts of mine still not as deep I thought, oh well