college is amazing. my room, roommate, suitemates are all amazing. however, that call home always does it. I'm so in love yet my dad has to bring me down. I understand I'm only 18 and that they're thousands of fish in the sea, however, I'm in love with this one. I know I am because when I'm with her I'm the happiest man alive. yet at the moment, my feelings are so far removed from her. I understand that this is my father in my brain and my rational thinking has overcome my emotional side. he says not to let her visit, however, I must see her. he will not stop my but he's trying to open me up to the thousands of women here at UT-Austin. I don't know, I think about it every day. she's different then the girls I've ever been with. I guess, she's different then the girls my parents want me to be with. she is poor and has nothing to offer, yet I'm so in love. and I know. never have I felt this way for a girl before in my life. I would do anything for her, I mean. this assignment of writing for 20 minutes is nothing. I could sit here for 20 hrs weighing the pros and cons and just keep writing. its not  a difficult task. she is not causing me to be depressed. you know?  how people can sometimes get all depressed over their long distance relationships and stress out. I am eating like a madman as always. going out at night, WITH GIRLS, and partying. you know?  I get my homework done and study hard. I work out, pledge my freaking frat and play lacrosse. I'm doing everything and performing well for me as well as my parents so why the fuck can't I just be allowed to have the one woman in life that makes me happy. I understand that I'm young, yet this relationship is not difficult for me. its the second time I've ever been in a long distance relationship. the first one was a bust and I vowed to never do it again. so this past summer  I went to camp sabra at the lake of the ozarks to be a counselor. well, I wasn't intending on meeting anyone, however, I believe 100% that that word called 'fate' has true meaning. the first day we hit it off. I wasn't intending on anything. all I wanted to do was have a productive summer and come to UT free of love. however, you can't control love when it is real. it just happened. and I don't regret however I sometimes wonder if I didn't have her, what life for me would be like. I mean, I'm with all my buddies. they don't have girl friends or anything coming into UT and its not like they've all of a sudden found someone. I understand its only the first week, but I truly believe that what I've shared with this gorgeous somewhat deprived southern belle from Nashville is impossible to ever experience with anyone else. of course I could experience love with another baby, but do I really want too?  I mean, there is no way that the things we have been through together can ever be replayed. I know deep down inside that I am in love with this girl. its tough because she's not here. but what if she was here?  lets say she ends up going to UT or acc, as talked about next year?  what if my girlfriend is here dad?  what if she lives in Austin?  then what, I mean I've got a girlfriend at school now, right?  its not like this is killing me. or maybe it is. look, I'm in love. I know I am. with my love, I have no worries whatsoever. I don't think about anything else when I'm with her. I'm completely content. so get off me. I'm planning on keeping my studies up the whole year, I've signed with a wonderful fraternity, I'm playing lacrosse for the university of Texas-Austin. I have an active social life. not to brag, you know. but I'm doing everything a college boy should be doing: I'm enjoying myself, and to let this get in the way is ridiculous. one must understand, this situation is not in the way. its not holding me back from talking to other girls. however, I do not become intimate with these ladies. so what?  I'll be fine, I will see my love when we visit. I just don't understand. its very stressful, but I'm handling it. you see, my older brother went through the same kind of shit, but he screwed up. he wasn't able to function and messed around freshmen year in college and ended up on academic probation. I thought, damn what if that happens to me?  but its not a worry. I'm at college, its awesome, and I'm doing just fine. we're not holding on to each other. we are in love and have so many dreams we want to fulfill. its not like I'm crying all day to my buddies that I missed her. I rarely ever do that. I'm 120% functional. you know?  I don't know, I really don't know what the hell I just spattered out. I'm in love g-d damn-it. and I'm happy. I just have to relax and get my father's controlling voice removed from my head. I hope I fulfilled the assignment. its been 20 minutes of continuous writing. guess what, my mind still tells me I'm in love. ain't that the darndest thing. alright, time to go ponder. maybe I'm relieved now. see you.