To think about what life has become can be kind of scary. I wish I had a penny for every time I was about to mess up and I think I would be a very rich woman. If I only knew at 15 what I now know at almost 21, I could have saved myself alot of pain and confusion. Then couldn't we all have?  I get scared sometimes when I think about today, two weeks from now and even years from now. The future is a very scary thing especially when you don't know what it could bring. I wish I hadn't made some of the choices I've made but those are over and done with aren't they. The only thing I need to learn how to do now is to learn from my mistakes. I feel really bad sometimes because I try to force my ideas and ideologies on those younger than me but I feel older and wiser than my years. I feel alot older than 20 sometimes yet I think, " hey I'm only 20, I have so much life to live"  Yet I'm scared to live that life. I wish I could just go with the flow instead of worry about every choice I make all the time. Even when I go with the flow I don't know what I'm doing and then I worry about what could happen after the fact. Another thing that really bothers me is the whole concept of love. What is it and how do I know if I've found it or not. When I was 15 I knew alot more about love than I do now. Why do I ramble on so, it is the same dilemma and the same problems I face every single day. I really should just give up and go with the flow. not worry about things so much. Life's too short to worry right,. All I'm doing is stressing myself out over nothing. Stress is not something I should have in my life. My whole world is sheltered and taken care of and paid for. What do I really have to worry about. Not that my dad doesn't have stipulations on what I do but it is all basically taken care of with no questions asked. Life shouldn't be that easy right?  Maybe that's why I continue to torture myself with these unnecessary dilemmas. I'm one of those drama people to I need drama in my life, something always going on or I get bored. I need conflict but not too much because then I get way too stressed out. I just don't know what to do with daddy's little girl who seems really messed up in the head,  There I go again creating drama, I'm not really messed up but sometimes I try to convince my self that I am to try to get counseling or something. I think it's a hidden Freudian issue. I should have had counseling when I was a child but I never got it because I didn't really need it. Maybe I was really traumatized as a child and now it's coming out subliminally. Ok enough kelly, this is not like you. I really don't think all of this I just do sometimes. Who knows  I sure as hell don't. My dog is so cute now. too bad I don't live with him. I want to be taken care of pampered in a way, just plain babied. That's what should happen for women isn't it. No we should be strong and independent but I don't really feel that way. I would love to live a life similar to my mom's. She isn't as taken care of as I would like to be but my daddy does all right by her. Who knows what life will bring maybe I will quit thinking about it. oh. the clock on my computer says I've been typing for twenty minutes. Cool this is a really good stress reliever and I really felt like I was talking to someone. Cya