Right now I am thinking about this writing assignment. I am assessing the amount of physical and metal effort I will have to put into it. It appears to be low effort on both fronts. I have two conflicting thoughts now. On one side the easies gives me more time to relax. It is night now and I am not really in the relaxing mood. I want to go out and do something but somehow I am more dependent on other people to be able to do something than I was living with my parents. My expectations of independence have not been meet yet. I am now thinking that other people would get angered or distraught about this fact but my reaction is unlike that. I tend to just formulate new expectations and throw the other ones out. Speaking of throwing things out, the trash is damn full. This assignment is already starting to bore me and I just started it. I wish I didn't have separate classes instead just one big project that consisted of elements taught in my classes that I could dedicate my time to. I find these big projects to be more worthwhile and challenging. When things aren't challenging, I must event a challenging task or at least a large one. Physical fitness a first was one of these challenges but it has changed. Now I workout for relaxation and for selfimage. Naturally I am shy. This bothers me because being shy involves things that don't make sense to me. I really have nothing to lose by going out on a limb to talk to someone or present an idea but if I don't remind myself of these things talking to someone isn't a natural reaction. I am pronature in many respects. I am against the taking of medicine to the point won't take aspirin. I am even against vitamins because nothing can replace natural foods. I am surprised I haven't mentioned any of my feelings but the thing I am more surprised at is that I have had none. And now that I think about it I haven't had any for a long time. I used to get yelled at and grounded a lot as a kid and at some point it didn't matter any more. I got tired of being mad at my parents or vengeful toward them or feeling depressed. I was like 6 when this happened and though my parents have changed I haven't. I don't let anything affect me anymore. I have been away from my mom, dad, brother, sister, and dog and I don't really miss them. Talking about the past too long also bores me. I like looking towards the future because it gives me a slight sense of excitement. It gives me excitement because I look forward to bigger and better things. Right now I can't define things. Things used to be money, wife, good friends, and children. I dream more often now and my dreams have made things unclear. Bigger and better things like heaven sometimes come to mind. I have had a spiritual awakening. I not religious, in the sense I don't go to church. But I try to communicate with God in more subtle ways. I have a firm belief in that by believing that something good will happen, something good will happen. I never have doubt in this because you must wholeheartedly believe. The first night I was here I left my cellphone at a restaurant and 2 hours later when I came back it had been found and returned to me. I left a book for one of my classes in the seat beside me. When I came back for it, it was gone. I emailed my teacher and he said a student had given it to him and I was lucky because he could of sold it to the coop for fifty dollars. Luck is one of those things I don't have. I would never rely on chance more than I had too. It was not luck my book was returned. I am glad I am at UT or for that case away from home. My Mom is very pessimistic and impatient. These thing irritate me to the point where I like avoiding her. A categorize her in the group of who claim to be religious or believe in God but they don't truly. They are not honest with themselves so it is impossible for them to always be honest to me. I have a friend who is always lying. I think he does it to make people envy him. But I don't think he realizes I don't envy people I just respect them and try to get to their level not to be them. My mind is at a blank now. I am only thinking about the humming of the computer. Time is up.