ahs10/essays-big5 huggingface dataset:
keep an open mind. "If you can't change your mind, how do you know you still have one?". Anonymous. I read this quote today morning and started thinking about it. Do I really have my own mind or am I controlled by thoughts and opinions that other people have? Maybe everything I do and believe in is based on what somebody else does. Obviously there are a lot of things that I believe in because my family/friends believe in them too. My faith in god may have been initially because of my parents faith in God and because of the stories that they told me about the god and his greatness. Why do I say his greatness. I think about that a lot of times. Why do we always say he?. why do all laws and sayings start with man is, he is. why don't we say. woman is ?I remember once my brother and me had this big fight about this and he being the MCP that he is says that women spend most of their time criticizing men. while on the other hand men do more constructive things. He says that most of the time it's the men who research and find laws and then later women complain about how the theorems or laws are sexually discriminating because they say he and not she, but I know that things are actually a lot different. I come from India and there a lot of women are oppressed. Female infanticide still takes place. I come from a girl's school and a lot of our topics for discussion in school were about these things. whether women should be allowed to join the armed forces. which brings me back to the same thing. why am I a feminist? is it because most people around me were like that or is it because I believe in equality myself. but what do I believe in. hopefully I will be more clear about this after my psychology classes. but will I change my mind about something that I believe in very firmly now, will I change my opinion about something if somebody shows me some evidence that proves my belief wrong. I don't think so, but then that means that I blindly believe in something for no apparent reasons. that's pretty ridiculous. but I know that the mind is very fragile and I think that it's the situations that actually control the mind. like do I make friends because I want to or is it because I have to. sometimes I wonder about the way I choose my friends. is there something common about all of them. maybe there is a certain characteristic that I look for. I also know that I am very judgmental. I will not approach somebody that is dressed in a certain way. so what does that say about me. I look around and see so many people who look so different from me. I feel pretty intimidated by them. since I'm new to this country and this lifestyle. sometimes I feel so stupid and ignorant. But I also think about how every new change that I make in life changes me and makes me somewhat a different person. so maybe I do change some of my opinions over time. I wouldn't know. does anybody know how the mind works I guess nobody does.
Well, I do not really know what I am thinking right know. Actually I think that I am a really slow typer and that I really need to read for all my classes, but I am just too tired to do that right now. My desk lamp is really bright and it hurts my eyes unless it is facing down. I am really excited about tonight because I am going to the Chi-O pledge retreat. I hope that it is fun because I do not really know any of the people in my pledge class and I want to get to know them all. I like all the decorations in my room that the actives put up for me. The red and yellow balloons are starting to look bad so I think I need to take them down now. I think that I will save them so that I can make a scrapbook later with all of the Chi-O things that I have acquired. I am really hungry right now. what do I want to eat?  I am tired of eating Mexican all the time which is really weird because I love Tex-Mex. Oh well, . I really think this is a weird assignment. I keep getting on weird subjects. I think that I need to get my nails done really bad, but I just do not know when I will find the time to do it. I should probably check on my laundry. I wonder what we will do tonight at the Chi-O house?  I am not looking forward to putting on a swimsuit. I need to find some dance classes to take so that I am doing something active and not just sitting on my butt all the time. I am really thirsty. I can't wait to go buy all the Tops pictures I took this weekend. I miss my sister and I think that I might go home on the weekend of the 20th. my ex-boyfriend's birthday is today!  I wish that I could see him. well. maybe I can finish the roll of film that I have so that I can get it developed before Ashley's B-day on wednesday I think. I hope that Kyle does not get to HH soon. oh well, my back is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair. I hope that my to heals well. I can not sit still . I really like the Chi-O things written all over my mirrors in red and yellow. my stomach is so hungry. I seem to have a bigger appetite now that I am in college. that is probably not a good thing. I really hope that I do not gain the freshman 15. um. I need to call my mom or just send her an e-mail with all my book costs on it so that she can call dad. it is about 5:30 and I have to be at the Chi-o house at 9:00. should I look cute?  I bet that some people will get dressed up, but I just really do not care. when is Kelly going to get back so we can go get food. I really like the posters that we finally received to day, which took forever to get here. They add character to the dorm room. I wonder who I am going to live with next year?  I hope that Ashley does not feel left out when she finds out that I am going to live with Lexi and Kelly next year and who knows who else. I mean she could always room with us I guess, but I think that she would not have as much fun because she never wants to go out with us she just stays home and studys, which is fine, but it just seems like she would do better somewhere else. I do not really care. I guess that can be left up to her.
What should I write for this assignment. If I write what I'm thinking at this moment a lot of people's feelings could be hurt and I really don't care to share these thoughts with a faculty that I know nothing about. My mother is approaching me, maybe she wants to talk with me. No, she stopped short at her purse. No, wait, she's coming over here. She asks me a question about my homework, something trivial. I don't think she can read my handwriting even though she's sitting right next to me and that's good because I wouldn't want here to read this piece of writing. Wait, she is reading it! I quickly lift up the pages to take them out of her line of sight. It's cold in this room, but it's only cold on one side. O course, it feels that way because I'm sitting beside a vent. It's so weird to sleep on the sofa, people can be replaced so easily! I've watched two people accomplish the task with much agility. Funny, I wish I could type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, but they fly by too quickly. I wish this person in the room with me would ask me where I live, I think the answer would surprise her. What's the time, 10:40? I've gone over my time limit. How should I end this entry, would goodbye be appropriate?
I am just sitting here watching ESPN with my roommate. They're talking about Ricki Williams' ankle injury the other day. Go Ricki! I really don't have many emotions right now, I'm pretty tired. I've been at a horse show all weekend. My girlfriend competes in them, and I go for moral support and to help out. Shes coming over later today to go to lunch with me. Now theyre showing some really amazing plays on sports center. woah! I'm really enjoying psychology, a lot more than I thought I would. Its really fascinating, especially with my professor. My major right now is architectural engineering, but I'm thinking of changing later to maybe mechanical or architecture, I don't know. this stream of conciousness thing is pretty hard. will I get information later and be able to analyze myself or is someone going to read this and say "man what a dumbass" or what? I'm kind of curious about that survey, too. I understand the fear questions, but what the hell was that one page about sex all about? Kinda personal, don't you think? Oh well, I answered truthfully. Why does this thing have to last for 20 minutes? this is hard. I enjoyed the lecture about the lie detecting. I didnt guess the right number, but I could tell when he lied. oh well, I'm done
this is one of the most interesting assignments I've had. Frisbee tomorrow I'll be late. I'm homesick and a bad typer is that the right word oh well All my friends and family enjoying themselves without me (sigh) this getting used to college is a little more difficult than I imagined but I guess that I always have trouble starting something new my legs are tired I ran 4 miles and played Frisbee When I started elementary school I cried and clung to my dad's leg Ican't remember middle school Funny how I can remember something farther away than something more recent maybe elementary was more traumatic. Then high school I got really tiny because I think I had a nervous stomach I can hear the girl next to me' s headphones It must be a foreign language We have to do that in French I'm finally getting hungry I thought I never would I need to work out more It is kind of depressing to have once worked out on a team five days a week twice a day with a whole bunch of people now I have to make myself do stuff that is not as fun I go by myself to the gym and to swim at least I found frisbee except they're a little more advanced than me but the practices aren't a s strenuous and as frequent as my old swim practices My room mates sick puking all night I keep washing my hands and the door knob every thing she touches It makes me nervous when people are sick I don't want to catch it and get my life off schedule I mean heck it just got into some kind of routine then I'd go and get sick miss class miss practice and have to get the notes from someone and not fall to far behind that makes me nervous  I used to get sick all the time when I swam every winter I would get some kind of 5- 7 day flu and it would usually mess everything up My training for the meets especially I was so frustrated sometime s I would try and convince myself I wasn't sick and I would just keep going as if nothing was wrong and then bam I couldn't do it any longer I would be so weak and tired I had just made it worse Nothing like making a problem even worse Only three minutes to go and I'm hungry I think I will have an apple they taste mmmm I like to eat fruit I had a boyfriend that pretty much didn't eat fruit or vegetable he liked mashed potatoes and gravy chicken fried steak and all that stuff is fine but you have to balance or your going to die to soon probably unless you have good genes people should take care of themselves
I just completed the pretesting survey. Sigh, things like that make absolutely no sense to me. I can never decide exactly where I stand, and I can never define myself with the choices provided. Always have to compromise who I am. I always end up generalizing all of those qualities I have fought tooth and nail to keep. Starting college has been such a weird experience. A room full of people, but I am still alone, a street full of people, but I am on my own, a world full of people, I have nobody but myself. I am glad the ball has started to roll. College is beginning, and, so far, there have been no horrid surprises, I have not been ambushed by a detail I have overlooked. I now have to gauge the speed of that ball, and plan my life around it. I need to visit my family this weekend. That is a drag, I am just beginning to form this new life, just starting to assemble my new identity, and I have to disassemble everything, and hide it in the closet. Family, sigh, the wonderful thing about family is you are sentenced to being around people who you probably will never get along with. Parents are even funnier. You are sentenced to respect and obey these people you probably will never get along with. I bet you are assuming I don't get along with my family, that we fight all the time. Right and wrong. I don't get along with my family, the key word is I. The person they think I am gets along with them perfectly. We haven't fought in 2 years, that was the last time I tried to be myself around them. Then I realized that I had to either bullshit them and survive, or go down in history. So here I am, Mr. Bullshit. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder where the bullshit ends and I begin. I stopped wondering about that a while ago. It was too hard to tell. I hate every person who is in my life right now. My roommates are ok, but immature. My girlfriend, that's right, girlfriends, are not compatible with me, but I am not willing to give up having sex, to be perfectly honest with them. At least not until I can find somebody I get along with, and can have sex with. I don't know why I place so much importance in sex, but that is all I can think of when I see a slightly attractive woman. I feel so evil sometimes, but I am sure my parents would be proud. I might be a depraved heathen, but at least they taught me how to bury myself under selfguilt. Good for them. This is the end of the twenty minutes; I need to go get my laundry out of the dryer now. Until next time. Ciao.
The walk was refreshing. I should do that more often. I am not sure why not many people take advantage of the beauty of nature and fresh air, and the flowers. My mother loves gardening. We always complain that she spends more time on the garden than on her children. It is just me, my brother and my Dad. Ours is a small family. Not like my neighbors. They have six children. Must be very noisy to live in that family. I like peace and quite when I watch TV or study. I do not think there are any good programs on tonight. I have never watched The West Wing or Will and Grace. Both won the Emmy. They are probably not my type. I just like Friends. This summer there were not any good movies also. Summer really ended so fast. I miss my friend, "S". I don't know what it would be like to be at Texas A&M with her. It is a shame she did not get admission at UT. I would have loved to share a room with her. My suite mate is OK. I had lunch with her but we do not have much in common. She is much younger and is in drama. I am in Natural Sciences. I am not sure how I decided on Pre Med. and maybe Business. For the longest time I wanted to be a teacher and my brother told me that it would not make me rich. Money is not everything. Well if I become a doctor, i. e. if I ever pass my MCAT. Why is life so difficult. I wish life was easier and we could do what we wanted. Better still I wish we did not have to grow up and worry about having a family or making money. I think it is getting warm. I need to turn on the AC. My room mate must be cold blooded. I need circulating air. It keeps me refreshed and relaxed. I am not sure why my parents moved to Texas from Canada. I love the snow and the cold. "T", my friend in Vancouver, has not replied to my email and she does not even like Instant messaging. I think it is neat that we can do that. I can make friends easily on the net, but face to face is really hard. Everyone thinks I am shy and they are probably true. I had no idea 20 minutes are so long and you can write so much. When I am doing something enjoyable time flies and now it seems that the clock does not move. I need to change this chair. It is so uncomfortable or maybe I can put a pillow on it. I think I will go for another walk after I am done with this. I wander if there is anything good on TV tonight. That fish I ate in the cafeteria is making me sick. I hate the food they serve. I am glad I am going home this weekend.
Well, let me see, i have a lot of stuff to do. got to write this, then i got to go to the soccer meeting, then i have to try and figure out stuff for the plane tomorrow. Im kind of hungry, not really but kind of. Man, i want some chicken strips. i want the light to be turned on. My friend here is playing a cool computer game having to do with terrorists and stuff, he just told me he was doing awesome on it. . Were waiting for Rachel, she should be here soon hopefully. I don't know whether i should go out or stay for the intrasmural soccer meeting . . hmm, im going to try and see if anything important is going to be said at this meeting. I also have to take a shower. . It's funny how college life is, its like real life, dependent, you have to be self-disciplined which is hard. College is actually a challenge, it is hard to stay focused on books when you have so many parties and activities to go to, and people to talk to. 10-1, thats pretty good. Jason's getting good at that game. . . my friend's calling me . . ahh distracted. kind of cold, hmm wait, no its good actually. I don't know what to write for this. This is pretty hard. . 10 minutes passed already. . im going to dallas tomorrow, yay! happy. i love austin but i also love going back home. Eat meat and good food. Going to a Cowboys game on sunday. . i wonder if they'll be any good this year, i don't think so. UT football now thats something else. Man, too bad i donmt have the sports package, damn. I feel like having Skittles but im too lazy to go get them downstairs. . :) yea im hungry definitely. Wish rachel would get here already. man, 5 min left to write cool. can't wait til im done with this assignment. . so that i can go already. Oh, so its stream of 'consciousness', i kept on saying 'stream of conscious' thinking that was the right thing to say. . man, dumb hahaha. Typing is actually fun. kind of tiring at the end though. . hmm 30 sec left! ok this is it, fun stuff now ha! yea 3, 2,1
I think that I am just supposed to write whatever flows from my mind for this one, so here I go. I really like the theory that writing about a problem helps you sort it out. It is interesting to me that putting that problem onto paper helps symbolically remove it from the mind. Theories like that always seem to capture my imagination, I am a huge fan of symbolism. I miss my girlfriend a lot. I think about her multiple times each day, she just pops into my head all the time. I wish I could have called her today, but I just didn't have time. I just realized that I called her my girlfriend. I guess we are broken up now, but more because life drew us apart than any conscious decision. I am dying for some reason to call her and tell her that I love her. I haven't said that in a long time, I think it will make her incredibly happy to hear it. I hope she hasn't given up on us, although that is extremely unlikely. I have not been able to talk with her much lately because she has been grounded, but when we spoke the other day she still sounded like she cares. We've been through so much, I think she always will care about me. It seems almost corny to say "We've been through so much" because everyone says that about their sign. other. But with Christal and I it's not like we've just been through a time where we fought with our parents or ended up almost splitting up, we have walked as close to Hell as I care to come. There are still some things I hate remembering and I block from my mind. Every now and then I will remember something which seemed to have vanished from my memory and I am amazed I didn't remember such intense emotion before I was reminded. I suppose it is repression, it is very odd. I don't like to think about a lot of the things we went through, it's just an emotional roller coaster I don't want to ride again. I still imagine myself with Christal automatically when I think of the rest of my life and who I will be with. I cannot wait until semester when we can spend more time together. I just got a flash of memory of what it is like to be a couple who sees each other and spends together a lot. I miss her being an active everyday part of my life. She is still an everyday part of my life, but only in my thoughts. Not in physical reality. I will definitely call her tomorrow, after my dreaded chemistry test. I am sure I could be studying so much better right now if I had talked with her today. I am scared that when she finds out about Shea it will hurt her incredibly, the odd thing is I would do it again. But it remains to be seen if I would do it again after we talk. I feel so out of touch with her. She changed so much in the wake of everything that happened I feel like I need to get to know my best friend again. I am sure that her core personality is still the same though, I just feel weird because we have both changed and grown so much apart from one another, I am scared that we grew into two people who aren't supposed to be together.
Being a twin I always wonder if my brother thinks like I do. I don't mean like does he have the same thought I mean does he see the world in the same perspective as me. My mind like to wander and I imagine many different scenarios in my head. Like where I will be in 20 years how long I will live and why people act the way they do. Everyday I think of the things why people seem to not want to try and others try there hardest. Then you have people who succeed no matter what and I wonder why them. Then there are people who seem to go no where in life. I am not seriously making this up for the past year or so I have been trying to figure out the world. I guess since I have left home many things in my life have changed some for the good and others just different from my life at home. I also wonder in my head a lot are we all determined to do a specific job or career. I felt at one time I was determined to be an astronaut, but now I am leaning towards the media business. I would like to make a movie that answers many questions that people are struggling with mainly people that are going through changes in the life. Although change is not necessarily it creates a sense in my mind at least that this could either be a bad  and good experience. I am talking about me coming to college. If this writing seems to be changing topics a lot then that is probably because that is how I think I continuously switching ideas in my mind. It is a wonder of why I have some of the thoughts I have, but we wont go into that. Being my first to take Psychology I wonder what the class is going to offer me, how it will help me to explore the human mind. I have also noticed that while being at college my sleep patterns have changed I stay up late get up early sleep on the weekends. Since being here I have started some sort of routine as far as my day goes, but I often wonder why us as people have routine and if they are inevitably unavoidable. This summer I worked in a grocery store was it fun no not really but it gave me a perspective of how I should view the world. There would be weeks when I got up at before 5:00 am everyday I kind of got this feeling like is this what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I thought to myself therefore I will do good in college to help better the career. Working forty hours a week and making about three hundred dollars I wondered a lot of times how some one lived on that and I guess they do somehow. That is why it kind of bothers me that we have some of these people blaming the economy on one person when I believe there is an overall problem in certain area. But are we certain at all what goes on.