I don't really know what to think about really anything. I mean some things are so clearcut and others just float off like there is no answer or any point in thinking about them. Why do I cry so much. Why do I need to talk so much why do I need so much. I don't know all the answers and I don' t know all the emotions either, but I do know that sometimes I feel different and like things aren't right. And how do you know when things are right. Is Brian right just because my head is telling my heart that he is cute and cool and what I maybe have been looking for? But then other things I just know are right when Lilly and are goof off and are being silly we have so much fun. But then how will they all think of me when they know the truth and is it really that big of a deal or is it because I make it a big deal. Oh my gosh it has only been three and a half minutes. What is wrong w/ me? My arms will fall off before I finish this writing assignment. But really who will know if I don't tell them but I want to tell people and have them love me and speaking of people I know and love I wonder how Kelsey is I hope she has made some more friends who are girls. I know that I can't be there but I hope that she does make some because she needs to realize she is more than just a body and a set of boobs to them. Or at least I want her to know that and maybe I should just say things like that. Wow my arms hurt. But I have been typing for a while already and the blinking light from AOL instant messenger is going to piss me off so I have to turn it off now. Ah. so much better. Now I can concentrate and not really concentrate wow I love paradoxes. I wonder if you should or rather could say paradox like with the funky ways of making plurals like alumnae and alumna and stuff like that. And is swang really a word when not used as a term for dancing or in the more rural and uneducated parts of the world. And in America how many places are really uneducated and how do we know that we are uneducated. I mean after all who are we to judge. I don't think that there is any person who can judge either other people or themselves. But we all do it and anyone who says that they are not judgmental are flat out lying. I mean really. I am going to try and move my keyboard to a new position to better accommodate my wrists and arms and fingers. I hope that I get a ticket to ou weekend. And better yet I hope I get a date. I would like to go there w/ Brian, but I don't know if he likes me or is just pressured by other people, like my friends, into thinking that I am some kind of cool. I wish I could just know but that is not my place. I don't get to know things. I think he feels obligated and just like the she daisy song I do not want to be anyone's obligation. I have too much pride and maybe I have so much it will hurt me, but I don't want to be anyone's' obligation until they decide themselves that they want to care for me. I don't want a person colossal  who feels obligated to me because of what I have done or what people say about me or whatever I want some one who will want me. Why doesn't anyone want me or do I not let them see me and if I do let them see me am I risking everything I work for everyday to make sure that I have a pretty face to show the world but I seem so unfriendly sometimes like at meetings. I don't try and meet the girls especially the one who looks like Mel's sister because it makes me think bad things. But oh I am a horrible person. Why would anyone want me especially with all this bad karma and not that I believe in karma I just believe in the modern translation that it relates to the soul and goodness and badness and evilness, but I am evil and I have all these negative thoughts and I am not bitter though, at least I pray to God that I am not bitter because bitterness really does breed filth and hatred and unhappiness. I want to be happy and praise God with all of my song and being but all these things get in the way and other stuff and I am so unhappy about stuff sometimes. I just need to cry and I want a big comfy shoulder to cry upon and someone special to hold me tight and say that everything will be all right. that is from some song but that is what I want. I want the security of a guys arms wrapped around me but I know that is not really security that all that is is a cheap imitation of what God can give to me through Jesus. But I just right now would love to be wrapped up in a great big hugpreferably with Brian around me, but I don't know. I hope I don't get obsessive about him like I did with Tony and with Jonathan and so many other people. I just think that things are good and that I feel really comfortable around him but at the same time he reminds me of all the boys I hung out with that were Bass's friends. And that is cool because they were cool but I don't know if I am deep down cool enough for Brian and all of his friends or if I want to try. But I do, but only if it is the right thing and if it is then God will bring it together but I know that I have to do my part and pray and think of what God can do and not worry about other things but it all works out in the end. God keeps us safe. It all works out.