I guess right now I would be feeling on edge, or wary. It is on rare occassion that I have ever written an essay that will not be judged by the firm establishment of concrete details, which are followed by commentaries. I worry about everything, though. I worry about this class. What will the tests be like? Am I studying enough? How many times should I review the material? I know that it is better to "overlearn" something, but in doing so, I think I will go crazy. I try to review my material everyday. at the same time, though, there is always something new to read on top  of the previously assigned work. I cannot convert into a complete "bookworm" because I would not be at ease with myself. I need time to relax and just chill with my friends. It is almost a set system that I have with myself that I read as much as I can, and then I go to smoke a cigarette to calm and relax my nerves. It's kind of ironic that the thing I reward myself with will probably lead to my demise someday. at this very moment, I have a killer soar throat. from what, I have no idea. It's not the kind of sore throat from yelling, but more along the lines of say. strep throat. I'm going to be royaly ticked if it is because I hate being sick. I love to be in control of my life, but when you're sick, it's hard to accomplish because you can't help the way you feel exept by doping up with medicine that makes you drowsy. Yes, I am aware of DAYquill, but it has such a bad taste. Gross. it does work, though. hopefully what I have is just a bug that will pass like the one hour fever I had the other day. I was burning up. The only medication that was available to me was ibuprofrin. I took two of those and layed down with a cool towel on my head. like five minutes later, an officer from the HBSA called to invite me out to eat. I really wanted to go, but I couldn't drag myself out from under the security of my blankets. it really kinda bothered me that I couldn't go because I want to be able to be as involved as I can in any organization that I join. I felt as though I had let some small opportunity pass me by. it was just dinner,though, and we had another meeting today. Thursday, I will hosting for apple computer at the HBSA company night. I think that this is going to be a great opportunity, but I need to do some "boning" up on the apple company before I speak with any of the recruiters. of course, I will have to do this tommorrow, which is also when I have four classes, and which is also the day that I promised a friend that we would go work out together. so much to do, so little time. just last night I was talking to this guy, or one of my friends, or someone, about how amazing it is that our brains can compute so many different emotions at one time. From everything I have mentioned, I have experienced feelings of happiness, curiosity, stress, and even confusion. somehow, it seems that I am able to confuse myself about lots of things, the way words are spelled, if I really could have done something or not, or even where I stand in life. weeks before I came to ut, it seemed like I had a firm grip on life. I had a group of friends that I partied with all the time, and while I knew that wouldn't last, the end came too soon. while I still have my ties, I now stand at one of the most awkward times in my life. ut has so many different kinds of people, and while it easy to meet a lot of them, especially if you smoke, we all have this feeling inside that constantly ponders, "What am I doing with  myself?" I know that these will be some of the most important years of my life because I am  "building" myself, but I don't think I can completely be myself yet, because I don't know "completely" who that is. if anyone asks you for advice, don't say, "Be yourself. " I'd say that half of the people at this school don't know who that is. in any case, I need to go smoke.