I just got up about twenty minutes ago and really thought that I should finish this assignment, I felt kind of embarrased the other day when the entire class had done theirs' and I was still sitting around without twenty minutes to spare. I really am kind of overwhelmed by the class and university in general, not that I've told anyone because that's just not how I deal with my problems. I scheduled my classes so that I have these breaks in between that I could presumably use to study, but I instead retire to my dorm room to eat macaroni and watch a movie. I watch too many movies in the first place (I'm a theater major, so it's basically study), but I haven't placed any amount of time into actual studying for classes like biology that I know I have trouble with. Between that and the massive theater program, it's just a bit too much. Here I am, now the tiny fish in the pond when I've spend the last four years on top of the game as far as acting was concerned. It's just a different place, different circumstances, and I just don't know where I fit in yet. I understand that I have to learn the ropes and pay my dues and then eventually I'll be on top (best case scenario anyway). But what will I do if this really isn't the path best meant for me? I really, honestly don't think I'd be able to survive in a desk job for the rest of my working life, and if I don't make it as an actor, chances are, that's exactly what I'll have to do. That prospect terrifies me even more than the class thing, or I guess goes along with it, because to even have a chance at success in the entertainment industry I have to have a broad range of intelligences not only within the field, but general knowhow as well, so I'm back to the first worry. It just seems like it's never good enough, I went to junior high in Colorado where I was the smartest kid in the school, the guy everybody and their dog went to for the answer, I come to Texas and suddenly, I'm not the best anymore. Which was alright with me, it unloaded that pressure, blah, blah, but I lost my initiative to try harder than everybody else to get the grade. Since then, my identity has been kind of in the in-between realm, I have intelligence, I was in the top 10 percent of my class, but most of the actual retained knowledge I have from  high school is pop-culture trivia, but I think I could still hold my own on Jeopardy. That is something that made me feel better about college, about a week before I came here, they were showing the Jeopardy college championships, most participants hailing from the Ivy Leage, or whatever, and I just tore them apart, even in stuff like Chemistry which I had thought was long gone from my memory after sophomore year, who knew? So I guess I feel alright about classes in the end, maybe it's just because I feel so boring just hanging in my room all the time and don't really feel a part of the student body. I'm sure it'll happen sooner or later, but like most occurances in the history of man, it's over a girl. Long distance relationships are really hard, and here I am trying to pull one off in freshman year, it's going great so far, and I guess it says something that going out and partying runs a distant second to a five minute phone conversation with her, but it's just not helping me become a Longhorn. I love her to death, I really do, so I just haven't worried about it, I figured that it'd work itself out, and I think it still will. Adjustment is hard, especially such an immense one. Gah, college. I've started to believe that there's a soundtrack to life, I guess we'll probably cover that with the psych TA at some point in time, but seriously. Depending on what's going on in my life, I have certain predelections to what kinds of music, and specific songs I listen to, and I guess it's beyond obvious that it has some psychological base, but it's all the time now. I have Bruce Springsteen's   Secret Garden   running through my head right now, most likely because I just started thinking about my girlfriend a while back, which made me think of the times we've spent together, and for some reason bringing about the two of us sitting and watching Jerry Maguire and remembering Springsteen from the soundtrack and noticing the correlation of the lyrics with my feelings for this girl. It probably wasn't very smart to have done this this morning, I don't feel like my thoughts are in order. It's the morning of September 11th, I just realized. I'm not worried though, I have faith in this country, I have faith in my own ideals of freedom and life and soforth. Bring em on. If they attack again, I really don't think we can stop them, and it'll suck having more American lives lost, but they can't tear down who we are. There's my bit of patriotism, just thought it appropriate given the day, but my twenty minutes are up, so I'm damming the stream.