That you know I have given myself just about everything really, at least within my grasp. My capability if I see something and I can have it by God, I'm going to give it to myself. In one way or another, I may not be able to afford that brand new Porsche, but I can get a an EV Ford or something and. And pretend I'm in a. I mean we, we give ourselves pretty much everything but the one thing we can't give ourselves. And then again, by the grace of God we can see. That that something is missing. We can't give ourselves a new life. When when you look out and as I often use nature as a kind of a canvas to study our the reflection of our own consciousness as above so below within so without. You look out at nature as kind of. I'm looking out the trees now. Most of them are bare. A lot of the fall colors are still here. Spectacular fall Can the tree? Make itself new. There it is. Leaves have fallen off. Going to sleep. Can it make itself new? Or is the process of fall and the onset of winter the shedding of all its leaves and the the bareness of its existence for that period of time? Or is that season of the tree part of the life of the tree itself? That is, even though it seems like it's dead, actually a phase of it being renewed. The bee that. Goes and shelters in the hive and the cold months, the deer, the rut that's going on now on the property here with the deer. Can any creature make itself new? And I have to leave it rhetorical when I have classes, we. Which are always invited to by the. Way on online. We we do involve and we have dialogue. No creature can make itself new. It's it's. It's a, it's redundant. Every creature is all the time being renewed. So it is a process of ceaseless renewal by its very existence. And in its relationship with those energies celestial, planetary, divine. That ceaselessly deliver that creature into that relationship and renew it. And that's exactly the same truth for us. We can't make ourselves new, in fact. And one day I pray that you'll see this if you aren't aren't already suspecting it. We wear ourselves out. Trying to make ourselves new, we make ourselves old. Looking for the. The Fountain of youth. So much stress and struggle trying to hold in place. And relive the sensations we did. Yesterday or 1000 yesterdays ago. That, in the absence of those sensations that we generated through some form of, will going out and trying to create for ourselves something that would match the expectation of what we think new is we we, we, we go through that process over and over again. And wonder why it is. That for all of that effort that we put into renewing ourselves. No matter what we do to do it. We have to do it again and again and again and it gets so damn old. To where a person then starts to become a cynic. Because we realize that for all of our efforts, we cannot make ourselves new and yet almost as a kind of anguish sitting in the back of our consciousness. Are those moments where we experienced something that was totally new? I've told this story that I'm about to tell you in a number of different ways I'm transitioning now so we can start building an understanding. One of the earliest conscious shocks that I've. Ever had? I I couldn't have been six or seven years old. My parents used to take me to Disneyland quite often and I wasn't tall enough to to get into this particular ride. It's called auto Utopia or something like that. I don't know if they still have this and I'll try to be brief in case you know, I've recanted this, but I and then finally I I was so excited by my I stood up. You know, as high as I couldn't touch the bottom sign and I walked out there and and you know, a kid looking at what an adult looks. It doesn't see what kid looks at. I'm I'm free. I'm gonna have a car just like Dad or mom and I'm going to drive and and I'm gonna go. On this adventure. You can you just. You like spring into the car and that's fantastic. And I this is where I'm getting the shock. Until one day I don't know when it is 3rd, 4th, 5th time. Maybe a year has gone by. And instead of being fascinated with the sense, the sensation of freedom of finally having your own car, you start to take in a little more of what's around you and you get in the car and then you start to realize you know what you. You you can steer and steer and steer and it doesn't really matter what direction you steer in the car is going where it's going because it's on a track. And I remember the immense disappointment of realizing that I wasn't actually steering the car. Maybe that sounds silly to you for me.