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 A breakup can be excruciatingly painful.
No doubt about it.
Last months I’ve had several requests for
a video about breakups.
I think we can get a lot of information from
philosophy to make a breakup a bit more bearable.
So, I’ve decided to make a series about
this, looking at different philosophies to
see what wisdom they have to offer in regards
to getting over a breakup.
Let’s start off with Stoicism.
The concept of love and romance has changed
over the centuries.
Back in ancient Greece, I doubt that there
was a dating culture similar to what we have now.
Nonetheless, I think we can bring everything
down to certain human core emotions like lust,
craving, attachment or anger, that haven’t
changed.
Unlike humans, nature has all the time in
world.
So, even though civilization makes leaps and
leaps forward, our physiology isn’t very
different from what it was like 2500 years
ago.
That’s why an ancient philosophy like Stoicism
is still applicable.
Yes, we know much more now about how the brain
works, but that doesn’t take away the validity
of Stoic wisdom.
Now, that said, it’s essential to deconstruct
what’s exactly happening when we break up
and why we feel so bad.
Now, falling in love is a very intense experience.
Our bodies produce chemicals that make us
feel good and, at some point, the only person
we can think about is the one we’re in love
with.
So, I think that for a great part, it’s
a chemical thing with the purpose of bonding
and reproduction.
That’s why after the so-called honeymoon
phase, these intense feelings begin to wane,
until we stop seeing the other person through
rose-colored glasses.
So it’s a temporary high.
After the high is gone, there’s often still
a deep attachment.
Is this attachment wrong in itself?
At some point, we can’t really help it,
right?
If it’s there, it’s there.
But we can change the way we approach this
attachment and this situation in which we
are separated from the person we’re attached
to?
This is where the power of the rational mind
comes in, which the Stoics are masters at.
Even though we can’t just make the pain
magically go away; what helps is changing
certain wrong beliefs in order to accept the
reality of the breakup, and find a sense of
peace in it.
I’d like to briefly discuss a few of these
beliefs, and what the Stoics say about them.
(1) I need that person to be happy.
This attachment can manifest itself in clingy
behavior and the belief that we need this
particular person to be happy.
The common answer to this problem is that
“there’s plenty of fish in the sea”.
This is of course true, which is already a
reason why it’s insane to think that there’s
only one person for you.
But, this doesn’t really solve the problem.
Because no matter if there’s one, ten or
a billion fish in the sea; the fish is still
something external.
So, theoretically, it’s still possible that
we can’t obtain any of these fish, even
if there’s plenty of them.
It’s beyond our control.
If we suffer from a breakup because we believe
that we need the other person to be happy,
we make the mistake of thinking that our happiness
depends on something external.
This is where Stoicism firmly disagrees with.
According to Stoic philosophy, virtue is the
only thing we need to be happy.
Moreover, living a virtuous life is completely
in our control.
Romance, a relationship, marriage and even
having a family are all unnecessary for happiness
and they’re also unreliable factors.
The Stoics call these ‘preferred indifferents’.
Preferred indifferents are nice to have but
not mandatory for living a happy life.
(2) I’m entitled to that person.
Now, this is a belief or idea that evokes
a lot of anger in people.
It could be that we begin to see the other
person as a possession or, at least, a factor
in life that we are entitled to.
This idea often goes hand in hand with jealousy,
which is basically a fear of loss.
When this person decides to breakup with us,
we feel wronged and think that reason for
the breakup is, in some way, unjust.
In case of divorce, we might especially feel
wronged because our ex-spouse broke the promise
of staying together until one of us dies.
Also, when the breakup involves cheating,
we feel betrayed.
Things like monogamy and sexual exclusivity
haven’t always been the norm.
These are mere concepts, applied in social
structures and part of, for example, religious
traditions.
And because these concepts are part of our
normative framework, of course this feeds
a sense of entitlement and fear of loss.
In today’s day and age with ever increasing
sexual freedom world wide, dating apps and
the decline of sacredness in regards to marriage,
chances are high that relationships fall apart.
Thus, breakups are more and more common and
so is infidelity.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus had some wise
words to say about how we should position
ourselves towards losing the things we love.
I quote:
“Never say of anything, "I have lost it";
but, "I have returned it."
Is your child dead?
It is returned.
Is your wife dead?
She is returned.
Is your estate taken away?
Well, and is not that likewise returned?
"But he who took it away is a bad man."
What difference is it to you who the giver
assigns to take it back?
While he gives it to you to possess, take
care of it; but don't view it as your own,
just as travelers view a hotel.
End quote.
(3) I’ll never get over that person.
The excruciating pain that a breakup brings
makes it seem almost impossible to get over it.
But the cliché is really true: time heals
the wounds.
As Stoic philosopher and ancient Roman emperor
Marcus Aurelius puts it:
“Some things are rushing into existence,
others out of it.
Some of what now exists is already gone.
Change and flux constantly remake the world,
just as the incessant progression of time
remakes eternity.”
End quote.
Now, the pain is something we can work with.
Fighting it won’t help.
Instead, it’s better to acknowledge that
it’s there.
Some people apply really bad coping mechanisms.
I used to do that too; especially by lots
of alcohol and other mind altering substances.
But these are just quick fixes that won’t
help in the long run.
I’ve also isolated myself often after a
breakup, which is only good in moderation.
From my own experience, ideally, dealing with
the grief is a combination of active engagement
with the world and moments in solitude to
really ‘sit with it’.
The latter is important; it’s the embrace
of what is, and to simply endure the detachment
phase which is a slow process that can take
months or even years.
In order to learn more about how the Stoics
looked at the immediate grief after an unfortunate
event, we might want to turn to Seneca.
Seneca was not just a Stoic philosopher; he
was also a statesman who held a highly powered
position in the Roman Empire until he was
charged with adultery with the emperor’s
sister.
He was exiled to Corsica.
He writes to his mother to console her because
she mourned his absence.
I quote:
“I knew that I must not oppose your grief
during its first transports, lest my very
attempts at consolation might irritate it,
and add fuel to it: for in diseases, also,
there is nothing more hurtful than medicine
applied too soon.
I waited, therefore, until it exhausted itself
by its own violence, and being weakened by
time, so that it was able to bear remedies,
would allow itself to be handled and touched.”
End quote.
Simply put: let the tears flow.
Be human first.
And when the initial shock wanes, let’s
see if Stoic philosophy can be applied as
a bandage to the wound.
Thank you for watching.