read it and write down what you learn and implemention You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

—MAYA ANGELOU

James entered my therapy office because he was upset by his ongoing custody battle. James had struggled with his ex-wife, Carmen, for custody of their seven-year-old daughter for over three years. The judge had given primary custody to Carmen, allowing James visitation on Wednesday evenings and weekends. James was outraged by the judge’s decision, as he was certain he was the better parent. James was convinced that Carmen was out to get him and destroy his relationship with his daughter. He’d recently informed Carmen that he was planning a whale-watching excursion for his daughter. When the trip neared, however, his daughter informed him that her mother had taken her whale watching the week prior. James was infuriated. He felt like Carmen was always trying to upstage him or win their daughter’s favor by throwing her the biggest birthday parties, buying her the most expensive Christmas gifts, and taking her on the most lavish vacations. James couldn’t afford to keep up with his ex-wife financially nor did he want to compete with her lack of discipline. Carmen allowed their daughter to stay up late, play outside alone, and eat as much junk food as she wanted. He tried to talk to Carmen about his concerns many times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in his opinion. James was pretty sure Carmen just wanted him to look like the bad guy in the eyes of their daughter.

He also didn’t like the fact that his ex-wife was dating again because he worried about the type of men their daughter would be exposed to. He even told Carmen that he saw her boyfriend with another woman once, in the hopes that they would break up. His plan backfired when she threatened to get a restraining order against him if he didn’t leave her alone.

James initially came to therapy not because he wanted help dealing with his emotions, but because he was looking for a legal ally. He wanted me to write a letter to the court outlining the















reasons why he should have full custody of his daughter. When I explained that I couldn’t do that, he initially said he didn’t think therapy could possibly be helpful. But, instead of leaving, he just kept talking.

When I asked him how effective his previous attempts to change the judge’s mind had been, he acknowledged that the judge was pretty clear that the custody order was going to remain in place, whether he liked it or not. He also admitted he hadn’t been able to convince Carmen to make any changes, despite his intense efforts. By the end of the session, James actually agreed to come to another appointment.

During his next appointment, we discussed how his attempts to control the situation were negatively affecting his daughter. He recognized how his anger toward his ex-wife interfered with his relationship with his little girl. We discussed some strategies that could help him refocus some of his efforts on improving his relationship with his daughter instead.

By the time James returned for his third and final session I knew he got it when he said, “I should have focused on having fun with my daughter when we went whale watching, rather than spending the entire trip texting angry messages to her mother about how I didn’t appreciate her attempts to overshadow me.” He also recognized that although he didn’t agree with some of Carmen’s rules, dragging her back to court repeatedly wasn’t likely to help resolve the situation.

Instead, he’d only be wasting more money that he could be spending on their daughter. He decided that he should focus his energy on being the best role model he could be for their daughter, so he could be a positive influence in her life.

KEEPING EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL

It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic. Do you respond positively to any of these points below?

You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent anything bad from happening.

You invest energy into wishing other people would change.

When faced with a tough situation, you think you can single-handedly fix everything.

You believe the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert.

You assume that good luck has nothing to do with success. Instead, it’s completely up to you to determine your future.

Other people sometimes accuse you of being a “control freak.”

You struggle to delegate tasks to other people because you don’t think they’ll do the job right.















Even when you recognize you aren’t able to completely control a situation, you struggle to let it go.

If you fail at something, you believe you are solely responsible.

You don’t feel comfortable asking for help.

You think people who don’t reach their goals are completely responsible for their situation.

You struggle with teamwork because you doubt the abilities of other people on the team.

You have difficulty establishing meaningful relationships because you don’t trust people.

Are you guilty of any of the examples above? We can’t possibly make all our circumstances and all the people in our lives fit into the way we think things should be. When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.

WHY WE TRY TO CONTROL EVERYTHING

James felt very guilty about the divorce. He had tried to make his marriage work with Carmen, because he wanted their daughter to grow up in a stable home. When their relationship ended, he didn’t want their daughter to suffer.

Clearly, James was a loving father who worried about his daughter’s well-being. It was terrifying for him to recognize how little control he had over what happened to his daughter when she was with her mother. To reduce his anxiety, he tried to control as much of the situation as he could. He thought that if he were able to control everything—from who his ex-wife dated to the type of rules she had in her home—he would feel better.

Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment.

The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex. We hold on to the mistaken belief that if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want.

Rather than delegating a task to a coworker, or trusting a spouse to run an errand, we often choose to do it ourselves to make sure it will be “done right” because we don’t trust in other people’s capabilities.

LOCUS OF CONTROL

Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your belief system.

The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People with an external locus of



control believe that their lives depend highly on fate, luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will be.”

People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control over their future.

They take full responsibility for their successes and failures in life. They believe they have the ability to control everything from their financial future to their health.

Your locus of control will determine how you view your circumstances. Imagine a person who attends a job interview. He possesses the qualifications, education, and experience the company is looking for. But a few days after the interview, he receives a call telling him he didn’t get the job. If he has an external locus of control he’ll think, They probably had some overqualified people apply for the position. It wasn’t the right job for me anyway. If he has an internal locus of control, he’s more likely to think, I must not have done a good job impressing them. I knew I should have redone my résumé. I’ve also got to sharpen my interview skills.

Several factors influence your locus of control. Your childhood experiences certainly play a role. If you grew up in a family where hard work was valued, you may lean more toward an internal locus of control, because you’ll believe that hard work can pay off. If however, you grew up with parents who drilled into you things such as, “Your vote doesn’t matter in this world,” or

“No matter what you do, the world will always keep you down,” you may have developed an external locus of control.

Your experiences throughout life can also influence your locus of control. If you achieve success when you try hard, you’ll see that you have a lot of control over the outcome. But if you feel like no matter what you do, things just don’t turn out right, you may begin to feel like you have less control.

An internal locus of control has often been idealized as the “best” way to be. Ideas like “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it” have been valued in many cultures. In fact, people with a high sense of control often make great CEOs because they believe in their ability to make a difference. Doctors like having patients with a strong internal locus of control because they do everything possible to treat and prevent illness. But there are also potential downsides to believing you can control everything.

THE PROBLEM WITH WASTING ENERGY ON THINGS

YOU CAN’T CONTROL

James wasted a lot of time, energy, and money on trying to change his custody situation even though his repeated court appearances clearly weren’t influencing the judge’s decision. Although he initially thought that exerting more effort into controlling the situation would reduce his stress, over the long term, his stress increased each time he failed at his attempts to gain more control. His attempts to gain control also negatively impacted his relationship with his daughter.

Instead of enjoying their time together and focusing on nurturing their relationship, he grilled her with questions to learn more about what was going on at her mother’s house. There are several

problems associated with trying to control everything:

• Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxiety. Efforts to manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome.

• Attempting to control everything wastes time and energy. Worrying about things outside of your control wastes mental energy. Wishing circumstances were different, trying to convince people they have to do everything your way, and attempting to prevent anything bad from ever happening is exhausting. It takes energy away from actively problem solving and the issues you do have control over.

• Being a control freak damages relationships. Telling people what they should do or how to do things right isn’t likely to attract many friends. In fact, many who have control issues struggle to get close to people because they don’t trust others with any type of responsibility.

• You’ll judge others harshly. If you credit all your success in life to your abilities, you’ll criticize people who haven’t achieved the same. In fact, people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their standards.

• You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything. You can’t prevent bad things from happening all the time. But, if you think everything is within your control, you’ll believe you’re directly responsible every time life doesn’t go according to your plan.

DEVELOP A BALANCED SENSE OF CONTROL

James couldn’t move forward until he accepted that he didn’t have complete control over the custody situation. Once he was able to recognize this, he could focus on the things he did have control over—like improving his relationship with his daughter. He also wanted to focus on establishing at least a civil relationship with his ex-wife, but to do that, he needed to continue reminding himself that he couldn’t control what went on in her home. Clearly, if he recognized any signs that his daughter was being seriously harmed, he could act, but eating ice cream and staying up late didn’t rise to the level of danger that would make a judge give him custody.

Those who strike the right balance of control recognize how their behaviors can affect their chances of success, but they also identify how external factors, such as being in the right place at the right time, can play a role. Researchers found that these people have a bi-locus of control, as opposed to a complete internal or external locus of control. To achieve this balance in your own life, be willing to examine your beliefs about what you truly can control and what you can’t.

Take notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and circumstances that you just couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control:

• You can host a good party, but you can’t control whether people have fun.

• You can give your child tools to be successful, but you can’t make your child be a good student.

• You can do your best at your job, but you can’t force your boss to recognize your work.

• You can sell a great product, but you can’t dictate who buys it.

• You may be the smartest person in the room, but you can’t control whether people choose to follow your advice.

• You can nag, beg, and make threats, but you can’t force your spouse to behave differently.

• You can have the most positive attitude in the world, but it can’t make a terminal diagnosis disappear.

• You can control how much you take care of yourself, but you can’t always prevent illness.

• You can control what you’re doing, but you can’t control your competitor.

IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS

In 2005, Heather Von St. James was diagnosed with mesothelioma when her daughter was just three months old. As a little girl, she had worn her father’s construction jacket for fun. His jacket had most likely been exposed to asbestos, which has been linked to mesothelioma and could explain why at only thirty-six, Heather had what is known as an “old man’s disease.”

Doctors initially gave Heather fifteen months to live. With radiation and chemotherapy, they said she might live up to five years. She was, however, a prime candidate for lung removal, and although the surgery was risky, it was her best chance for survival.

Heather chose to undergo the extensive surgery that would remove the affected lung and the lining around her lung as well as replace half of her diaphragm and the lining of her heart with surgical Gore-Tex. She remained hospitalized for a month following the operation. When she was discharged from the hospital, she went to stay with her parents for a few months so they could help her care for her baby while her husband returned to work. When Heather returned home three months later, she underwent radiation and chemotherapy. It took her almost a year to begin feeling better again, but to this day, she remains cancer free. Although she becomes out of breath more easily with physical exertion now that she only has one lung, she considers it a relatively small price to pay.

To commemorate the anniversary of the day she got her lung removed, Heather now celebrates, “Lung Leavin’ Day” on February 2 each year. Each year on “Lung Leavin’ Day,”

Heather acknowledges her fears about the things she doesn’t have control over—like the possibility of the cancer returning. She uses a marker to write those fears on a plate and then she symbolically lets go of those fears by smashing the plate into a fire. Within just a few short years, the celebration has grown. Today, more than eighty friends and family attend. Guests join in by writing down their own fears and smashing their plates into the fire. They’ve even turned it into a fund-raiser for mesothelioma research.

“Cancer leaves you feeling so out of control,” Heather acknowledges. Although she is currently cancer free, she admits that she continues to be fearful that her daughter may have to grow up without a mother. But she chooses to face her fears head-on by writing down what scares her most, and recognizing that those things are not within her control. She then chooses to focus her efforts on what she does have control over—like living every day to the fullest.

Heather now works as a patient advocate for mesothelioma. She speaks with newly diagnosed patients and helps them deal with their fears about cancer. She’s also a keynote speaker who delivers her message of hope and healing.

When you notice yourself trying to control something that you can’t, ask yourself, What am I so afraid of? Do you worry someone else is going to make a bad choice? Do you worry that something is going to go terribly wrong? Are you terrified that you won’t be successful?

Acknowledging your fears, and developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is within your control and what isn’t.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

Once you’ve identified your fears, identify what you can control, bearing in mind that sometimes the only thing you can control is your behavior and attitude.

You can’t control what happens to your luggage once you hand it to an airline employee at the airport. But what you can control is what you pack in your carry-on bag. If you have your most important belongings and an extra change of clothing with you, it won’t feel like such an emergency if your luggage doesn’t arrive at your destination on time. By focusing on what you can control, it is much easier to let go of worrying about what you can’t.

When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognize that you can’t control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end result.

INFLUENCE PEOPLE WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL THEM

Jenny was twenty years old when she chose to drop out of college. After spending a couple of years working toward a degree in education, she decided she didn’t really want to be a math teacher. To her mother’s horror, she wanted to pursue art instead.

Every day Jenny’s mother called to tell Jenny she was ruining her life. She made it clear she would never support Jenny’s choice to drop out of school. She even threatened to cut off contact with Jenny if she didn’t choose to take “the right path.”

Jenny quickly got sick of her mother’s daily criticisms over her choices. She told her mother several times that she was not going back to college and her insults and threats wouldn’t change her mind. But her mother persisted because she worried about what type of future Jenny would have as an artist.

Eventually, Jenny stopped answering the phone. She stopped going to her mother’s house for dinner, too. After all, it wasn’t enjoyable to hear her mother lecture her about how college dropouts and aspiring artists don’t ever make it in the real world. Even though Jenny was a grown adult, her mother wanted to control what she did. It was painful for her to sit on the sidelines and watch Jenny make choices she felt were irresponsible. She imagined her daughter would always be broke, unhappy, and struggling just to survive. Jenny’s mother mistakenly believed she could control what Jenny did with her life. Unfortunately, her attempts to control Jenny ruined their relationship without motivating Jenny to do anything different.

It’s hard to sit back and watch other people engage in behavior we don’t approve of, especially if that behavior is something we view as self-destructive. But making demands, nagging, and begging won’t yield the results you want. Here are strategies to influence others without trying to force them to change:

• Listen first, speak second. Other people are often less defensive when they feel like you’ve taken the time to hear what they have to say.

• Share your opinion and concerns, but only share it once. Repeating your unease over and over again won’t make your words any more effective. In fact, it can backfire.

• Change your behavior. If a wife doesn’t want her husband to drink, emptying his beer cans down the drain isn’t going to motivate him to stop drinking. But she can choose to spend time with him when he’s sober and not be around him when he’s drinking. If he enjoys spending time with her, he may choose to remain sober more often.

• Point out the positive. If someone is making a genuine effort to create change, whether it’s to stop smoking or start exercising, offer some genuine praise. Just don’t go overboard or say something like, “See, I told you that you’d feel better if you quit eating all that junk food.”

Backhanded compliments or an “I told you so” don’t motivate people to change.

PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE

Imagine a man stuck in a traffic jam. Traffic hasn’t moved an inch for twenty minutes and he’s running late for a meeting. He starts yelling, swearing, and banging his fists on the steering wheel. He wants so much to be in control that he just can’t tolerate the fact that he’s going to be

late. These people should just get out of my way, he thinks. It’s ridiculous that there’s this much traffic in the middle of the afternoon.

Contrast that person with someone in the car next to him who turns on the radio and chooses to sing along to some of his favorite tunes while he waits. He figures, I’ll get there when I can.

He uses his time and energy wisely because he knows he has no control over when traffic will start moving again. Instead, he tells himself, There are millions of cars on the road every day.

Sometimes traffic jams are bound to happen.

Either of these people could choose to do something different in the future to avoid traffic.

They could leave earlier, take a different route, use public transportation, check the traffic report ahead of time, or even start a movement to try and change the road systems. But, for now, they have the choice to accept that they’re stuck in a traffic jam or focus on the fact that they feel an injustice is being done.

Even though you might not like the situation you’re in, you can choose to accept it. You can accept that your boss is mean, that your mother doesn’t approve of you, or that your kids aren’t striving to be high achievers. That doesn’t mean you can’t work toward influencing them by changing your behavior, but it does mean you can stop trying to force them to be different.

GIVING UP CONTROL WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER

At the age of eighteen, Terry Fox was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. Doctors amputated his leg but warned him that his survival rate was only 50 percent. They also made it clear that major advances had been made in cancer treatment over the past few years. Just two years previously, the survival rate for this type of cancer was only 15 percent.

Within three weeks of his surgery, Fox was walking with the help of a prosthetic limb. His doctors noted that his positive attitude most likely had something to do with his rapid recovery.

He underwent sixteen months of chemotherapy and during that time, he met many other patients who were dying from cancer. By the time his treatment ended, he decided to spread the word about the need for more funding for cancer research.

On the night before he got his leg amputated, he’d read a story about a man who had run the New York City marathon with a prosthetic leg. The article inspired him to begin running as soon as he was physically able. He ran his first marathon in British Columbia, and though he finished in last place, he was met with a lot of support at the finish line.

After completing the marathon, Fox hatched a fund-raising plan. He decided to run across Canada by completing a marathon every single day. Initially, he hoped to earn a million dollars for charity, but he soon set his sights even higher. He wanted to raise one dollar for each person in Canada—a grand total of $24 million.

In April of 1980, he set out to run over twenty-six miles a day. As word of his trek began to spread, his support increased. Communities began holding large receptions to commemorate his arrival in their town. He was asked to give speeches, and the amount of money he raised increased.

Fox ran for an amazing 143 days straight. But his run came to an end one day when he couldn’t catch his breath and he began experiencing chest pain. He was taken to the hospital and doctors confirmed that his cancer had returned and spread to his lungs. After running over three thousand miles, he was forced to stop.

His journey had raised over $1.7 million by the time he was hospitalized. But as the news of his hospitalization circulated, he gained even more support. A five-hour telethon raised $10.5

million. Donations continued and by the next spring, Fox had raised over $23 million. Although he attempted a variety of treatments, his cancer continued to spread, and in June of 1981, Fox died from complications of his cancer.

Fox understood he couldn’t control every aspect of his health. He couldn’t stop people from getting cancer. He couldn’t even control the spread of the disease in his own body. Instead of focusing on those things, he chose to put his energy into the things he could control.

In his letter requesting support prior to his run, Fox made it clear he didn’t think his run would cure cancer, but he knew it would make a difference. “The running thing I can do, even if I have to crawl every last mile,” he said.

His choice to do something that seemed unimaginable gave him a purpose that continues today. Each year, countries all over the world participate in the Terry Fox run. Over $650 million has been raised in his honor.

When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to things you can control. Here are some of the benefits you’ll experience:

• Increased happiness—The maximum level of happiness is achieved when people have a balanced locus of control. Coined as a “bi-local expectancy,” the people who understand that they can take a lot of steps to control their lives while also recognizing the limitations of their ability are happier than people who think they can control everything.

• Better relationships—When you give up your need for control, you’ll likely experience better relationships. You’ll have fewer trust issues and you’ll welcome more people into your life. You may be more willing to ask for help, and other people are likely to view you as less critical. Research indicates that people who stop trying to control everything experience an increased sense of belonging and community.

• Less stress—When you stop carrying around the weight of the world, you’ll feel less stressed. You may experience more short-term anxiety as you give up control, but over the long term, you’ll have a lot less stress and anxiety.

• New opportunities—When you have a strong need to control things, you’ll be less likely to invite change into your life because there aren’t any guarantees of a positive outcome. When you choose to give up your need to control everything, you’ll have increased confidence in your ability to handle new opportunities.

• More success—Although most people who want to control everything have a deep desire to

be successful, having an internal locus of control can actually interfere with your chances of success. Research shows that it’s possible to become so focused on ensuring you’ll be successful, you could actually overlook opportunities that could help you advance. When you give up your desire to control everything, you’ll be more willing to look around and you may recognize good fortune that comes your way even if it isn’t directly related to your behavior.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS

When you focus on what’s wrong with the world, without looking at how you can control your attitude and behavior, you’ll find yourself stuck. Instead of wasting energy trying to prevent a storm, focus on how you can prepare for it.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Delegating tasks and responsibilities to other people

Asking for help when you need it

Focusing on solving problems that are within your control

Keeping the emphasis on influencing others rather than controlling them Thinking balanced thoughts about what is within your control and what isn’t Not relying on yourself for the entire outcome

WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Insisting on doing everything because no one else can do it right Choosing to do everything on your own because you think you should be able to accomplish things without help

Spending time trying to figure out how to change things that are likely beyond your direct control

Trying to force other people to do what you think they should do, regardless of how they feel

Only thinking about what you can do to make things turn out the way you want Taking full responsibility for the end result without acknowledging other factors that influence the outcome