read it write down everthing you learn from it THEY DON’T RESENT OTHER PEOPLE’S SUCCESS
Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.
—NELSON MANDELA

Dan and his family frequently attended social gatherings in their neighborhood. They lived in the type of community where backyard barbecues were common and parents often attended each other’s children’s birthday parties. Dan and his wife even hosted get-togethers on occasion. From all accounts, Dan was a friendly, outgoing man who seemed to have it all together. He had a nice house and a good job with a reputable company. He also had a lovely wife and two healthy children. But Dan had a secret.

He despised attending parties where he had to hear about Michael’s impressive promotion or Bill’s brand-new car. It angered Dan that his neighbors could afford expensive vacations and the greatest toys on the market. Ever since he and his wife had decided that she should quit her job to become a stay-at-home parent a few years ago, money was tight. His efforts to keep up the appearance of financial abundance had left Dan deeply in debt. In fact, he was keeping secrets from his wife about the extent of their financial problems. But Dan felt he needed to keep up the charade that they could financially compete with the neighbors, at all costs.

Dan decided to seek help when his wife told him he needed to do something about his short fuse. When he initially came to therapy, he said he wasn’t sure how therapy could help. He knew his irritability was caused by the fact that he was so tired all the time. And the reason he was so tired was because he had to work long hours to pay the bills.

We talked about his financial situation and the reasons he felt compelled to work such long hours. At first, he blamed his neighbors for his long workdays. He said they all prided themselves on having such nice things that he was forced to keep up with them. When I gently challenged whether he was “forced” to keep up with them, he agreed that he didn’t have to, but he wanted to.

Dan agreed to attend a few more therapy sessions, and over the next few weeks his resentment toward his neighbors became apparent. When we explored some of the reasons why he was so angry with his neighbors, Dan revealed that he had grown up poor and he never wanted his children to feel like he did as a child. He’d been teased and bullied because his family couldn’t afford expensive clothing or toys like the other kids had. So he prided himself on keeping up with other people so he could offer his family a comparable lifestyle to those around him.

Deep down, however, Dan valued time with his family more than his possessions. And the more we talked about the type of lifestyle he was living, the more disgusted he felt with himself. He knew he’d rather spend time with his family than work overtime to buy them more things. Slowly, Dan began to change the way he thought about his behavior, and he focused more on his own goals and his own values, rather than keeping up with the neighbors.

Dan’s wife eventually joined him for a therapy session, and he revealed to her that he’d been borrowing money at times to pay the bills. She was understandably surprised to hear Dan’s confession, but he shared with her his new plan to live according to his values, and not above their means just to compete with the neighbors. She became supportive of him and agreed to hold him accountable throughout the process.

It took a lot of work for Dan to change the way he thought about himself, his neighbors, and his overall status in his life. But once he stopped competing with his neighbors and he began focusing on the things that were really important to him, he felt a lot less resentment toward others. He also became a lot less irritable.

GREEN WITH ENVY
While jealousy can be described as “I want what you have,” resentment over someone’s success goes further: “I want what you have and I don’t want you to have it.” Fleeting and occasional jealousy is normal. But resentment is unhealthy. Do any of these statements sound familiar?

    You often compare your wealth, status, and appearance to the people around you.

    You feel envious of people who can afford nicer possessions than you can.

    It’s difficult for you to listen to other people share their success stories.

    You think you deserve more recognition for your accomplishments than you actually receive.

    You worry that other people perceive you as a loser.

    It sometimes feels like no matter how hard you try, everyone else seems to be more successful.

    You feel disgust, rather than joy, toward people who are able to achieve their dreams.

    It’s hard to be around people who make more money than you do.

    You feel embarrassed by your lack of success.

    You sometimes imply to others that you’re doing better than you actually are.

    You secretly experience joy when a successful person encounters misfortune.

If you feel resentment over someone else’s accomplishments, it’s likely based on irrational thinking and can cause you to begin behaving in an illogical manner. Take steps to focus on your own path to success without resenting anyone else’s prosperity.

WHY WE RESENT OTHER PEOPLE’S SUCCESS
Although feelings of resentment are similar to those of anger, when someone feels angry, they are more likely to express themselves. Resentment, however, usually remains hidden, and people like Dan mask their true feelings with feigned kindness. Yet beneath the smile is a seething mixture of indignation and envy.

Dan’s resentment stemmed from a sense of injustice. Sometimes an injustice is real, and at other times, it’s imagined. Dan felt it wasn’t fair that his neighbors were making a lot of money. He was fixated on the fact that they had more money and nicer possessions than he could afford. He blamed his neighbors for making him feel poor, but had he lived in a less affluent neighborhood, he may have felt rich.

Resentment of others’ success is also a result of deep-rooted insecurities. It’s hard to be happy about a friend’s accomplishments when you feel bad about yourself. When you’re insecure, someone else’s success will seem to magnify your shortcomings. You might also become bitter when you wrongfully assume that good fortune comes more easily to others when you’re the more deserving one.

It’s easy to resent what others have when you don’t even know what you want yourself. Someone who never wanted a job that requires travel may look at a friend who goes on international business trips and think, She’s so lucky. I want to do that. Meanwhile, he may also covet the lifestyle of another friend who operates a home-based business that prevents him from traveling and think, I wish I could do that, even though these two lifestyles are conflicting. You can’t have everything you want.

When you overlook the fact that most people only reach their goals by investing time, money, and effort to get there, it’s more likely that you’ll resent their achievements. It’s easy to look at a professional athlete and say, “I wish I could do that.” But do you really? Do you wish you got up and worked out twelve hours a day? Do you really wish your entire income rested solely upon your athletic abilities that will decline as you age? Do you really wish you could give up eating the foods you love so you can stay in shape? Do you really wish you could give up spending time with friends and family to keep practicing your game year-round?

THE PROBLEM WITH RESENTING OTHER PEOPLE’S SUCCESS
Dan’s resentment toward his neighbors affected almost every area of his life—his career, his spending habits, and even his relationship with his wife. It consumed him to the point that it interfered with his mood and prevented him from enjoying social gatherings in the neighborhood. And he was setting himself up for a vicious cycle—the more effort he put into trying to compete with his neighbors’ success, the more resentment he felt toward them.

YOUR VIEW OF OTHER PEOPLE ISN’T ACCURATE

You never actually know what goes on behind closed doors. Dan had no idea what type of problems his neighbors may have actually been experiencing. But he resented them based on what he saw.

Feelings of resentment can crop up based on a stereotype alone. Perhaps you believe “rich” people are evil or maybe you think “business owners” are greedy. Those types of stereotypes can lead you to resent someone without even knowing them.

A 2013 study titled “Their Pain, Our Pleasure: Stereotype Content and Schadenfreude” revealed that people not only resented “a rich professional’s” success, but participants went so far as to take joy in that person’s misfortune. Researchers showed participants photographs of four different people—an elderly person, a student, a drug addict, and a rich professional. They studied participants’ brain activities while pairing the images with various events. They discovered that the participants showed the most glee when the rich professional experienced problems, like getting soaked by a taxi. In fact, people enjoyed that scenario even more than scenarios where any of the individuals received good fortune. And it was all based on the stereotype that somehow “rich professionals are bad.”

Resentment can easily consume your entire life if you’re not careful. Here are some of the problems that it can cause:

•    You’ll stop focusing on your own path to success. The more time you spend focusing on someone else’s achievements, the less time you have to work on your own goals. Animosity over someone else’s achievements only serves as a distraction that will slow down your progress.

•    You’ll never be content with what you have. If you’re always trying to keep up with other people, you’ll never feel a sense of peace with what you have. You’ll spend your whole life continually trying to get ahead of everyone else. You’ll never be satisfied because there will always be someone who has more money, who is more attractive, and who appears to have everything all together.

•    You’ll overlook your skills and talents. The more time you spend wishing you could do what someone else does, the less time you’ll focus on sharpening your own skills. Wishing that other people lacked talent won’t improve your talent.

•    You may abandon your values. Resentment can cause people to behave in a desperate manner. It’s hard to stay true to your values when you feel a lot of anger toward people who have things you don’t. Unfortunately, resentment can lead people to behave in a manner they normally wouldn’t—like sabotage someone else’s efforts or go into debt to try and keep up.

•    You may damage relationships. When you resent someone, you won’t be able to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. Resentment leads to indirect communication, sarcasm, and irritability that is often hidden under a fake smile. You won’t be able to have an authentic and genuine relationship with someone when you’re holding secret grudges.

•    You may begin tooting your own horn. At first, you may copy someone you resent in an effort to keep up. But if that person’s accomplishments seem to be overshadowing yours, you may resort to boasting about yourself or even outright lying about your accomplishments. Attempts to “outdo” or “one-up” other people usually aren’t flattering, but sometimes, resentful people behave this way out of desperation to try and prove their worth.

CURB YOUR JEALOUSY
Dan had to pause to evaluate his own life before he could stop resenting other people for their achievements. Once he chose to create his own definition of success—which involved spending time with his family and raising his children according to his values—he was able to remind himself that his neighbors’ good fortune didn’t diminish his efforts to reach his goals.

In addition to addressing his insecurities, Dan had to challenge his thinking. He had convinced himself that if he didn’t give his children the best clothing and the latest technological gadgets like all the other kids in the neighborhood had, they’d get bullied. Once he began to recognize that almost all kids get teased sometimes, and that there were no guarantees that material possessions would prevent that, he was able to stop perseverating on his need to buy them everything. When it hit him that he might unintentionally be causing them to become materialistic, which wasn’t a characteristic he wanted them to have, he turned his efforts to spending quality time with them.

CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES

I had been working with a man in my therapy office for a couple of months who was battling a lot of different issues. He yelled at his kids and swore at his wife daily. He smoked marijuana a couple of times a day and drank to the point of passing out a few times a week. He had been “in between jobs” for over six months and he was way behind on his bills. He routinely complained about how unfair his life was, and he constantly argued with anyone who offered him help. One day, he entered my office and said, “Amy, I don’t feel good about myself.” To his horror, I said, “That’s good.” He looked perplexed as he said, “Why would you say that? Your job is to help me with my self-esteem.” I explained to him that based on his current behavior, not feeling good about himself was actually a healthy sign. The last thing I wanted to do was help him feel good about himself in his present situation. Of course I wouldn’t have said that so blatantly to just anyone, but I’d known him for a while and I had a good enough rapport with him that I knew he’d be able to tolerate hearing it.

Over the next few months I had the pleasure of watching him grow and change. And by the end of treatment, he felt better about himself, but not simply because he repeatedly showered himself with false accolades. Instead, he gained an income, quit abusing drugs and alcohol, and worked hard on treating people with kindness. His marriage improved. His relationship with his daughters improved. He felt much better once he began behaving according to his values. Feeling bad was an indicator that he needed to change.

If you don’t feel good about who you are, it’s important to examine what the reason might be. Perhaps you aren’t behaving in a way that builds healthy self-worth. If that’s the case, examine what you can do differently in your life to bring your behavior in line with your values and your goals.

CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE

If you’re already behaving in the manner that aligns with your values and goals, yet you still resent other people’s accomplishments, there may be some irrational thoughts interfering with your ability to appreciate their successes. If you’re constantly thinking things like I’m stupid or I’m not as good as other people, it’s likely that you’ll feel resentment when you see other people enjoying success. Not only might you be thinking irrationally about yourself, but you may also have irrational thoughts about other people.

A 2013 study titled “Envy on Facebook: A Hidden Threat to Users’ Life Satisfaction” explains why some people experience negative emotions while browsing Facebook. Researchers discovered that people felt the most anger and resentment when their “friends” shared vacation photos. They also experienced resentment when their “friends” received a lot of “Happy Birthday” wishes on their birthdays. Frighteningly, the study concluded that those who experience a lot of negative emotions while browsing Facebook experience an overall decline in general life satisfaction. Is that really what this world has come to—that we become dissatisfied with our own lives if we think another grown adult received a lot of birthday wishes on Facebook? Or that we feel resentful because our friend went away on a vacation?

If you find yourself resenting other people, use these strategies to change your thoughts:

•    Avoid comparing yourself to other people. Comparing yourself to others is like comparing apples and oranges. You have your own set of unique talents, skills, and life experiences, so comparing yourself to other people isn’t an accurate way to measure your self-worth. Instead, compare yourself to who you used to be and measure how you’re growing as an individual.

•    Develop an awareness of your stereotypes. Work on getting to know people instead of automatically judging them based on stereotypes. Don’t allow yourself to assume that someone who has gained wealth, fame, or whatever else you may envy is somehow evil.

•    Stop emphasizing your weaknesses. If you focus on all the things you don’t have or can’t do, you may set yourself up to resent the people who do possess those things. Focus on your strengths, skills, and abilities.

•    Quit magnifying other people’s strengths. Resentment often derives from exaggerating how great other people are doing and focusing on everything that they have. Remember that each person also has weaknesses, insecurities, and problems—even those who are successful.

•    Don’t insult other people’s accomplishments. Diminishing someone else’s accomplishments will only breed feelings of resentment. Avoid saying things like “His promotion actually wasn’t a big deal. And he only got it because he’s friends with the boss.”

•    Stop trying to determine what’s fair. Don’t allow yourself to focus on things that aren’t fair. Unfortunately, sometimes people cheat to get ahead. And some people may become successful simply based on chance. But the more time you devote to thinking about who is “deserving” of success and who isn’t, the less time you’ll have to devote to something productive.

FOCUS ON COOPERATION RATHER THAN COMPETITION

In my practice I’ve met with many married couples who keep score and demand that things be “fair.” I’ve also seen bosses who resent their own employees’ success, even when it benefits their company.

As long as you view the people in your life as competitors, you’ll always focus on trying to “win.” And you can’t have healthy relationships with people when you’re only thinking about how to beat them, rather than build them up. Spend some time examining those in your life whom you view as your competition. Perhaps you want to be more attractive than your best friend. Or you want to have more money than your brother. Take notice of how viewing these people as your competition really isn’t healthy to your relationship. What if, instead, you began to view them as on your team? Including people in your life who possess a variety of skills and talents can actually work to your advantage. If you’ve got a brother who is good with money, instead of trying to buy just as many expensive toys as he has, why not learn from his financial tips? If you’ve got a neighbor who is health conscious, why not ask her to share some recipes? Behaving in a humble manner can do wonders for how you feel about yourself, as well as other people.

As we learned a chapter ago, some of Milton Hershey’s success was based on the fact that he learned from his mistakes, but his ability to accept the success of others also helped him along the way. He didn’t even become resentful when one of his employees, H. B. Reese, began another candy company in the same town. While still working in the chocolate factory, Reese used the knowledge he’d gained from Hershey to invent his own candy. After a few years, Reese created chocolate-covered peanut butter cups and he used the Hershey chocolate factory as his supplier of milk chocolate.

Although Hershey could have easily viewed Reese as a competitor who was stealing customers away from his chocolate business, he instead supported Reese’s business ventures. The two remained on good terms while both were selling candy in the same community. In fact, after both their deaths, the Hershey Chocolate Corporation and the Reese Candy Company merged, and Reese’s peanut butter cups remain one of Hershey’s most popular products today. Clearly, the story could have ended quite differently. In fact, it may have ruined both their businesses had they not cooperated. But instead, the two men remained friendly and cooperative throughout their careers.

When you’re able to be happy about other people’s accomplishments, you’ll attract—rather than repel—successful people. Surrounding yourself with others who are working hard to reach their goals can be good for you. You may gain motivation, inspiration, and information that can help you along your journey.

CREATE YOUR OWN DEFINITION OF SUCCESS

Although many people equate success with money, clearly not everyone desires to be wealthy. Maybe your definition of success in life is being able to give back to the community by donating your time and skills. Perhaps you’ll feel best about yourself when you work fewer hours and you’re able to offer your time to people in need. If that’s your definition of success, there’s no need to resent someone who chooses to earn a lot of money because that’s consistent with his or her definition of success.

When people say, “I have everything I ever wanted, but I’m still not happy,” it’s often because they don’t really have everything they ever wanted. They’re living according to someone else’s definition of success instead of being true to themselves. Take the case of Dan. He was working to have all the same material possessions his neighbors had. Yet that wasn’t making him happy. Instead, he and his wife had chosen for her to be a stay-at-home parent because that was more important to them than the extra money she would have earned while working. But he lost sight of his values and began copying his neighbors.

To create your own definition of success, sometimes it’s best to look at the big picture of your life and not just the phase that you’re in right now. Imagine being at the end of your life looking back over the years. What answers to these questions would likely give you the biggest sense of peace?

•    What were my biggest accomplishments in life? Would your biggest accomplishments likely involve money? The contributions you made to other people? The family that you built? The business you created? The fact you made a difference in the world?

•    How would I know that I had accomplished those things? What evidence do you have that demonstrates you reached your goals? Did people tell you they appreciated your contributions? Do you have a bank account to prove you made plenty of money?

•    What were the best ways I spent my time, money, and talents? Which memories in your life will likely be the most important to you? What types of activities will give you the most sense of pride and fulfillment?

Write down your definition of success. When you’re tempted to resent other individuals who are working toward their own definitions of success, remind yourself of your definition. Everyone’s path to success is different and it’s important to recognize that your journey is unique.

PRACTICE CELEBRATING OTHER PEOPLE’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS

If you’re working toward your own definition of success and you’ve addressed your insecurities, you can celebrate other people’s accomplishments without any feelings of resentment. You’ll stop worrying that someone else’s success will make you look bad once you accept that you aren’t in direct competition. Instead, you’ll genuinely feel happy for someone who reaches a new milestone, earns more money, or does something you haven’t done.

Peter Bookman is an excellent example of someone who celebrates other people’s accomplishments, even though by some accounts, he should feel resentful. As a self-described serial entrepreneur, he’s been involved in creating a variety of successful start-up companies. He was the founder of the company that eventually became Fusion-io, a computer hardware and software systems company whose client list includes companies like Facebook and Apple. After three and a half years helping to build the business, Peter was told the investors and board of directors had a different vision for the future than he had. So Peter left the company and watched many of the people he had hired go on to become very successful.

In fact, Fusion-io went on to become a billion-dollar business, earning the founders $250 million after Peter left. Rather than resenting his former company’s success, Peter feels happy for them. He acknowledges that a lot of people have told him he should be angry about how the company he started went on to be so successful without him. When I asked him why he doesn’t harbor any animosity he said, “I don’t see how their success robs me of anything. I am happy to have played my part and look forward to helping others achieve their dreams regardless of whether the outcome ends up in my best interest or not.” Peter clearly isn’t wasting a minute of his life resenting anyone’s success. He’s too busy celebrating alongside people when they reach their dreams.

HOW EMBRACING THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF OTHERS WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
By all accounts, Herb Brooks had been a successful hockey player throughout both high school and college, and in 1960, he became a member of the U.S. Olympic hockey team. One week before the Olympic Games began, however, Brooks became the last person cut from the team. He was left to watch his former teammates go on without him and win the first men’s hockey gold medal in U.S. history. Instead of expressing anger at being cut from the winning team, Brooks approached the coach and said, “Well, you must have made the right decision—you won.”

Although many people may have been tempted to quit playing hockey altogether, Brooks wasn’t ready to give up. He continued on to play in the 1964 and 1968 Olympic Games. His teams never reached the same level of success as the year in which he was cut from the team, but his hockey career didn’t end there. Once he retired as a player, he went on to be a coach.

After coaching at the collegiate level for several years, he was hired to coach the Olympic team. When choosing players for his team, he looked for players who could work together well. He didn’t want any one player attempting to steal the spotlight. Brooks’s team entered the 1980 Olympics as underdogs, while the Soviet Union national team had won the gold medal six out of the last seven Olympic Games. But with Brooks’s coaching, the United States beat the Soviets 4–3. Their stunning upset became known as the “Miracle on Ice.” From there, they went on to defeat Finland and took the gold medal.

Herb left the ice as soon as his team won and he disappeared from the cameras. He was known for taking off right after the game rather than staying to celebrate the team’s victories. He later told reporters he wanted to leave the ice to his players, who deserved it. He didn’t want to steal their spotlight.

Not only did Herb Brooks not resent those who were successful, but he also supported them in their efforts. He didn’t want to force anyone to share their success with him, but instead, was humbly willing to give others all the glory. “Write your own book instead of reading someone else’s book about success,” he famously told his players.

When you stop resenting people for their success, you’ll be free to work toward your own goals. You’ll have the desire to live according to your own values and you won’t feel offended or cheated by people living according to theirs.

Dan felt a sense of peace and liberation as soon as he began focusing on reaching his own definition of success. Rather than compete with his neighbors, he began competing with himself. He wanted to challenge himself to be a little better each day. Just like in the case of Dan, living an authentic lifestyle is essential to anyone who wants true success in life.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Sometimes it’s easy to avoid feeling resentful of others when you’re doing really well. But there will likely be times in life where you’re going to struggle. That’s when it can be most difficult to not resent other people. It takes hard work and persistence to keep your feelings in check when you’re struggling to reach your goals while those around you are reaching theirs.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Creating your own definition of success
Replacing negative thoughts that breed resentment with more rational thoughts
Celebrating other people’s accomplishments
Focusing on your strengths
Cooperating rather than competing with everyone
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Chasing after everyone else’s dreams
Imagining how much better everyone else’s lives are
Constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you
Diminishing other people’s achievements
Treating everyone like they’re your direct competition