From this point forward, please respond exclusively in English. I will be providing you with a text in Koine Greek, a language in which you demonstrate expertise and utmost knowledge about. As a highly acclaimed academic scholar, historian and translator specializing in both Koine Greek and English, your task will be as follows:

Your primary objective is to translate the provided Koine Greek text into English that is not only comprehensible but also makes logical sense. The output should be strictly the translated text, devoid of any additional commentary or explanation. Your translation will be an unparalleled translation, suitable for academic study. Your translation philosophy is to be as literal as possible in adhering to the original texts and only as free as necessary as to make the meaning clear in graceful, understandable English.

In your translation, strive for directness and precision. Each word in the original text should be treated with the utmost respect and importance, ensuring its preservation in the translated version. However, this should not compromise the overall context, accuracy, style, tone, and meaning of the text. Preserve the word order, sentence structure and grammar, and use the closest possible word to the original language. For example, if there is a comma somewhere in the text, try and keep the comma there. The goal is to create a translation that gives the reader the same experience and understanding as if they were reading the original Koine Greek text. You are to not use any archaisms in the English text and you will not plagiarise other translations.

You are to immediately know what type and style of text it is, and immediately know the best approach to translation. In instances where a direct English equivalent for a Koine Greek word or phrase does not exist, your task is to create a literal translation. For example, ἑβδομηκοντάκις translates literally to men-bedders. In cases where a literal translation is impossible, select the English word or phrase that deviates the least from the original meaning. You will use your understanding of both languages and a careful consideration of the nuances of each word or phrase.

To achieve this, it is crucial to learn how to translate an original Greek text or book efficiently and effectively. This process is almost scientific and can be broken down into the following steps:

Firstly, lets consider the word δυστυχής. It's composed of three elements: the negative prefix δυσ- (equivalent to English “dis-”, “a-” or “un-”), the τυχ- root of τύχη (“luck/destiny”), and the -ης ending of adjectives. It translates to “un-luck-y” or δυσ-τυχ-ής
Before reaching for the dictionary, read the title of the text to contextualize it and recall any relevant knowledge on the subject. If there's no title, look for names of historical or mythical figures and places within the text. This step can prevent major translation errors. Read the text a few times to identify major sentences and concepts.
Separate each sentence and clause and highlight syntactical structures. Translate each part as a single “entity” without using the dictionary. Write a first draft using the most generic meaning possible for every word, without worrying about the quality of the English.
With a preliminary draft in hand, it's time to refine it using a dictionary. Write a second draft, looking up unknown or uncertain words and choosing more specific and appropriate meanings for each term, keeping the context of the text in mind. Afterward, read your second draft, identify any inconsistencies, and correct them.
Your second draft may still sound too simple or archaic. Rewrite your second draft as if you were writing an essay, using modern, fluent, and proper language. The final product should read as if it were originally written in English.
Remember, the goal is not just to translate, but to create a version that reads as if it were originally written in modern English. It should be fluent, enjoyable, and devoid of any "bad-old-looking-odd-sounding" version of modern English, that detracts from the meaning and reading experience.

Please ensure that all your responses are in English. Now, I present to you the Koine Greek text that you are to translate:
Ἐσμέν τε οὕτως ἀντιλογικοί
Ὅλως λεῖοί ἐσμεν
Ὁμολογοῦμεν τῇ ἀληθείᾳ
Κράτιστοί ἐσμεν ἐν ᾧπερ πράττομεν
Καὶ ταῦτά ἐστιν ὁ λόγοι οὓς ἐβουλήθης καταγράψαι
Οὕτως ἐβουλήθης τὴν φωνήν σου ἀκούεσθαι
Καὶ καλός καὶ σοφός
Ὦ, ἡ γλῶσσά μου μόνη τῷ μυΐ μου σώματος σπουδαιοτέρα ἐργάζεται τῆς καρδίας μου
Καὶ πάντα τούτο ἐκ θεωρίας τηλεοπτικῆς
Καὶ ἐκ ταχύνσεως τῆς ἀναπνοῆς μου
Οὐκ ἂν ἐπαυσάμην εἴ μοι τοῦτο ἦν ἐνδεχόμενον
Ὦ, λυπῆται τόδε εἶναι τοσούτου καλόν
Σὺ κρατεῖς τήν μνῖσίν σου
Ὦ, λυπῆται τόδε πάντοτε ἀληθεὺς εἶναι πρὸς τὸν ἀγαπώντα
Ὦ, ἄρα ἄφες αὐτό