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Assistant: Title: Love x Time x Effort
        Author: Sheila_Cat Sheila_Cat 
        Chapter: 45/45 
        Summary: “Gon?”

  Right. Killua was here. Killua was with him. Walking towards him, from the sound of it. He sounded worried. Gon couldn’t have that. He had to pull himself together. Wake up. Show Killua he was okay. Put on a smile. Reassure him. He had to get his shaking under control. Get up. Breathe normally. He was fine. He’d be fine. He knew how to do this. Calm down. Breathe.

  “Hey. Gon. Talk to me.” 
 
  or
 
  
    
    The 'Gon heals Killua' fic that somehow became a continuation of the 2011 anime. In which Gon wants to help Killua heal, train Alluka to become a Hunter, and learn which parts of him come after a literally inhuman mother. Featuring some scenes from the 1999 anime and the manga. Also detailed HxH analyses in the notes.
    
  
 
  
    
    Prologue: Chapter 1 - 8Alluka Training Arc: 9 - 30Bisky Arc: 31 - ?
        Contents: Chapter 45: Fatigue
    

    

        
          
          
            Who helps heroes when they need saving?
          
        

      
        
          With the tertiary characters out of the way, I want to talk about how the 99 version handles Leorio and Kurapika before the storm hits. The first thing that needs to be noted here is that this episode once again starts slow. It takes its sweet, sweet time showing us what all the different people are up to, what they do for entertainment, and cuts away to the ship just being in still waters a few times. There is no music, barely even any sounds, just tons and tons and foley. Except this time, it works. Why? Because the slow start of the episode is a perfect way to establish the current mood on the ship. We get a small glimpse of the slowness they've been dealing with for hours, maybe even days. It's relaxed to a degree, but the almost painful slowness and the lack of any music does give it a tense undertone. A buzzing under everyone's skin. The literal calm before the storm.The tenseness doesn't seem to affect our duo though. Leorio is just lazing around, yawning in sheer boredom. And Kurapika is watching Gon for some reason. I'm not entirely certain why to be honest, not so much because there is no explanation like with Gon just staring out at the sea in the manga, but because there are too many. He's a kind soul, so maybe he's just worried about this random 12 year old who really shouldn't be on this ship. Maybe he's already determined that everyone else on this ship is a pushover and is trying to figure out what Gon's deal is. Maybe Gon's already doing something that catches Kurapika's attention? After all, he's balancing on the reiling pretty easily, not the least bit worried about being pulled into the water, and sitting stock still for several hours at this point. Maybe it's all of them, hard to say. Either way, there are two characters who have continious super close up shots on this first half of the episode; the captain, and Kurapika. Both characters who are actively analyzing the people around them.Then the captain enters the scene and we're immediately shown that neither Leorio nor Kurapika are as relaxed as they seem. Both of them open their eyes to observe him, epxressions serious. At the very least on an intuitive level, they know he's someone to take seriously, and not just because of his status as captain. Thing is ... it's not just Leorio and Kurapika. A few shots later, we get shots of most of the other passangers watching the captain as well. So at the very least, most people on that ship are aware enough to be able to tell when someone means business. Remember how I mentioned making side characters look pathetic in comparison to the MC to prop him? This little trick is almost the antithesis to that. Also a trick to prop up our main characters, but by setting a standard that everyone else also meets. Being able to tell who to watch out for absolutely sounds like the kind of ability you'd need to pass the Hunter Exam, no? And everyone on this ship can do that. Meaning Leorio and Kurapika are equally levelled with people we are told are competent, making them seem competent in return. A trick that is just as simple as making everyone else look pathetic, but not quite as disgustingly cheap.Where the two begin standing apart from the crowd is when the fight starts. While everyone else is cheering and joustling, Leorio and Kurapika just straight up have no interest. Leorio turns around and sighs in what I presume to be exasperation at the antics. Kurapika doesn't react at all. My guess? They both know the outcome of this battle and thus have no interest in following it. Plus, as we later, none of them are trigger happy people. They'd all rather avoid a serious fight if they can. So this is just good early showcasing of that particular personality trait as well. It's not until the crewmember wins the fight that Leorio reacts, being impressed at the skill on display. Which already sets him apart in terms of skill level from Kurapika, who still hasn't reacted.Then Gon catches his fish and that's where the leisure ends and things become a little more interesting. We get the whole "There's a storm coming" spiel. Leorio totally doesn't buy it and keeps playing it off until the captain's call for action. Very much in character, the typical "he's good, but not quite as good as the others," kind of a thing that we'll keep getting to see throughout the arc. Kurapika meanwhile, looks at Gon again. Entirely this time, turns his entire upper body around instead of just glancing out the corner of his eye. Gon has his attention for real now and he's listening closely. A solid but subtle way to establish how aware of his surroundings Kurapika is at all times. He looks out at the sea after Gon is done with his explanation, looking slightly worried. Almost as if he's trying to pick up the signs himself and being disturbed that he hasn't already. Nothing new on Leorio, but definitely a few solid early glances into Kurapika.
            
            (See the end of the chapter for  more notes.)
            
      
  

  
  
    
    
  
    I’m alright. It’s not as bad as you think. I can keep going. It’s okay if it’s just one ball, I can take it!
  

  It didn’t take long for Gon to lose count of how many times Pat had him repeat the process. All he knew was that it kept getting harder. Harder to get in, harder to get out, harder to recover. Chasing down that train of thought, channeling that anger over and over again, it did things to him he didn’t understand.

  
    Why are you thanking me? I left Kite behind to die!
  

  It started an odd sense of breathlessness. Like he’d been holding his breath whenever he was focusing. He knew the answer to that. Knew that the best way to regain was to open up your body, give your lungs space to expand, but he couldn’t. Everything in him screamed to curl up, to make himself as small as possible, and it took all of his willpower just to remain upright. On the ground yes, barely supporting himself with his arms, but upright.

  
    I’ll count to three and then you run. One. Two. Three.
  

  At some point, he started shaking. Or maybe shivering. It was hard to tell, really. Was he feeling weak or feeling cold? Both? Neither? He couldn’t even tell what he was feeling anymore. Keeping himself upright was getting harder. Catching his breath was taking forever. 

  
    So long as you’re okay with a leech as your best friend. All I ever do is follow you around.
  

  Cold sweat broke out on his body. At least now Gon knew for certain he was cold. So, so cold. It permeated through his skin, his muscles, all the way down to his bones until he forgot what it was like to feel warm. His arms gave out on him. The shivering was out of control Not curling up into a ball was his the only act of resistance he could still keep up.

  
    Just look at her. She’s a real Hunter now. I guess … she doesn’t need me anymore.
  

  He didn’t notice the tears were falling until the first drop landed on his hand. Why ... why was he crying? He didn’t 
  
    feel
  
   sad. He didn’t feel much of anything, really. Just lifeless and cold and so, so weak. He didn’t understand. Where were the tears coming from? Why wouldn’t they stop?

  “~Iiiiinteresting~” Pat sang, though they didn’t seem to be talking about anything in particular. “It’s not quite a transformation, but not quite not one either. How to classify this …? Gon, do it one more time!”

  Again? Could he? He didn’t know. He didn’t think so. He didn’t even know why he didn’t think so. Didn’t know what failing would look like. He just felt so tired. So 
  
    weak
  
  . But he had to try. He’d made a promise. So he pushed himself upright once more. Got into meditation position. Grabbed yet another memory.

  
    I’ll do it. I’ll be your guinea-pig. And I’m used to torture. No matter what you throw at me, I can take it. I’ll let you experiment on me, so leave them alone!
  

  No anger. Only a choked sob with every attempt to summon it. Again and again until he couldn’t breathe at all, until he was suffocating, gasping desperately for air and failing to find it. The tears kept coming and his lungs kept constricting and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He knew how to stop this. He could stop this. He just had to push himself upright. Control his breathing. Focus his thoughts on something insignificant. He could this. He 
  
    constantly
  
   did this. So why couldn’t he even stop the choking? What was happening to him? He didn’t understand.

  “Nothing’s happening,” Pat said, eyes fixed on their screen. “Try a little harder, I need you to -”

  “Enough!” Killua stepped in.

  He sounded so far away. Ah, but his shoes were right in front of him. Gon didn’t understand that. It looked like Killua was right there. So why did he sound so far away?

  “But I need more samples,” Pat argued. “This isn’t enough to create a proper analysis sheet.”

  “Can’t you see that he’s done? He can’t recreate your stupid conditions anymore. He needs a break.”

  “He seems in perfectly good health to me. No injuries to be detected anywhere.”

  “Injuries aren’t the only factor. If you keep pushing him, you’ll break him mentally. Then what good will he be to you?!”

  “Break him mentally?”

  “His will, you psycho! What if he ends up never being able to get into that state again?”

  There was a moment of silence. Gon was beginning to come back to himself. The choking was finally stopping at least, but his chest still felt so constricted and the tears just wouldn’t stop. Everything seemed so far away. Killua should come closer, but the rest should stay that way. The noises and the colors and the smells, they could all just go. And then Gon could maybe sleep. He was so tired. And cold. Ah right, he was still shaking, wasn’t he?

  “That would be a problem,,” Pat finally said. “How long do you suspect he needs?”

  “I don’t know,” Killua answered. “A day at the very least. Just … give him some time, we’ll let you know. Okay?”

  “Very well. Let’s pack up for today then.”

  “Go on ahead. We’ll need some time.”

  “Can I at least remove my sensors?”

  Killua sighed. It sounded frustrated. That wasn’t good. Gon should say something. Soothe him somehow. If only he could get up. If only he could stop shaking. Ah, but maybe he should stop the tears first. 

  “Go ahead,” Killua grit through his teeth.

  Pat approached him. That wasn’t a good thing. Gon should move back. Or at least stay on his guard. Pat was dangerous, after all. But he couldn’t muster up the energy for that. He was just so tired. He couldn’t bring himself to move when Pat began picking the sensors of Gon’s skin. Didn’t even have it in him to flinch. If Kon’s mother came and attacked him now, he’d just let it happen.

  “You’re right, he really isn’t in any condition to continue,” Pat said when they were done. 

  “Toldya,” Killua scowled.

  “His skin is worryingly hot. Make sure he cools down before he goes into shock. I’ll make sure to monitor his vitals as well next time. Turn off the Holoroom before you leave.”

  “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

  The sound of footsteps. Pat was leaving. It was a relief. One less threat to him. One less thing for Gon’s overworked senses to pick up on. Now if only the fake smells and sounds would go away, too.

  “Gon?”

  Right. Killua was here. Killua was with him. Walking towards him, from the sound of it. He sounded worried. Gon couldn’t have that. He had to pull himself together. Wake up. Show Killua he was okay. Put on a smile. Reassure him. He had to get his shaking under control. Get up. Breathe normally. He was fine. He’d be fine. He knew how to do this. Calm down. Breathe. 

  “Hey. Gon. Talk to me.”

  Gon knew that tone. That very specific brand of helplessness that carried in Killua’s voice whenever he wanted to help but didn’t know what to do. Killua needed reassurance. Needed to know Gon was doing okay. He could do that. He always did. He could get himself under control and be there for Killua. He just … needed a moment. Just a bit longer. Just a little more time and Gon could be there. Breathe. 

  “Gon …” Killua began reaching out.

  No! Not yet. He wasn’t there yet. Just a little more. Just a moment more. He could stop the shaking and the sweating and the tears if Killua just gave him a moment. Please! Just a minute. But Killua’s hand kept coming closer. Just a few seconds. But it was already above his shoulder. Just a little more time a little more time a little more time 
  
    a little more -
  

  Gon slapped Killua’s hand away.

  He realized his mistake the moment it happened. Whatever it was he had been feeling - exhaustion, fatigue, - it was immediately replaced with 
  
    dread
  
  . Gon’s breath stopped short, his eyes widened, terrified at the implications of his own actions as they locked with Killua’s. Killua, whose eyes were huge and who looked shocked and upset and confused but also somehow vindicated, as if all of his fears and worries had just been confirmed.

  “No …” Gon breathed.

  Killua’s expression changed almost in slow motion. The shock fell from his face, replaced with heartbreaking resignation. The light disappeared from his eyes, the blue of his irises turning lifeless and dull and dark as the deepest depths of the ocean. Gon knew where this was going. Knew exactly in what way Killua was spiraling. He had to put a stop to it.
  
     Now
  
  !

  “Killua I’m sorry!” Gon begged. “I didn’t mean it! Killua look at me, please!”

  “It’s fine,” Killua mumbled. “I get it. It’s got nothing to do with me, right?”

  The blood in Gon’s body froze. 

  Those had been his words. Words to draw a metaphorical line in the sand. Words to create distance. Words to shut Killua out. That’s what he’d done again. Shut him out. The last thing Gon 
  
    ever 
  
  wanted. He had to fix this! How could he fix this? Think!

  “Ki - Killua -” he stuttered.

  But Killua took a step back. Created distance of his own. He wouldn’t listen. He didn’t
  
     want 
  
  to listen. Already decided what the truth was without giving Gon a chance to explain. Gon couldn’t blame him this time. He’d meant those words last time he’d said them. Of course Killua believed he meant it this time, too.

  “I’m sorry,” Killua said. “I’ll just … go.”

  Go? No, Killua couldn’t go. Not before Gon somehow fixed this. Stopped Killua’s mind from spiraling, made him start thinking clearly again. He had to. Killua needed him to. What could he do? What could he say? What could Killua be thinking? If only Gon knew what was going on in his head. If only Killua would … tell him …

  Gon grabbed Killua’s wrist just as he was walking past him. Just before he was out of reach. He didn’t turn around. Didn’t have to know what Killua was doing, what face he was making, what feelings he was feeling. his body still felt so, so weak, but his mind had expanded once again. Became aware of everything around him, every detail of how the Holoroom was so disturbingly fake, yet his world zoned in on Killua. Who had stopped the moment Gon grabbed his hand, but hadn’t turned around yet either. Probably couldn’t bring himself to.

  “We promised,” Gon said, voice low but steady. “On the train to Tobons, I promised I wouldn’t make you feel like I don’t want you ever again. I’m keeping my promise to you. So keep your promise to me.” He could feel Killua bristling ever so slightly. Preparing for the words he knew Gon would say next. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  There was a 
  
    long
  
  , long stretch of silence after that. Painfully long. But Gon could be patient. When Killua was involved, Gon could muster up all the patience in the world. The changes in Killua were slow and subtle. So subtle, Gon couldn’t even tell how he picked them up. But at some point, the tension began rolling off Killua. In an oddly bad way at first. It felt a lot like resignation. Like he was admitting defeat maybe. Or perhaps just accepting his fate. Then slowly, resignation turned into something that felt much more bitter. Like he was asking himself a million questions he knew could never be answered. Or perhaps like he was bemoaning the unfairness of it all. Whatever ‘it all’ might be. It was when that bitterness turned into a smile that Gon finally let go of Killua’s wrist. Something about that action felt safe. Like Killua was beginning to compose himself. Like his attitude was returning, even if it was much more intense and raw than usual. It reassured Gon that Killua would stay … so long as Gon wouldn’t look at him. Gave him security in the belief that he had privacy in his actions, even if that belief was a lie. Then finally, after what felt like forever, after what might have 
  
    actually
  
   been forever, Killua moved. Walked to stand behind Gon, sat down and leaned against his back. He felt heavy. He shouldn’t be. Gon was so much stronger than that. Supporting Killua had never felt heavy to him.

  “Right now, I’m just thinking that I’m probably the biggest idiot in the world.” Killua answered.

  It really wasn’t an answer at all. But at least his voice had a light note to it. That very distinct one that he only used when he 
  
    wanted 
  
  to sound light, but at least it was 
  
    something
  
  .

  “Yeah …” Gon said. “I think the same, sometimes.”

  About Killua, once in a while. But much more often about himself.

  Killua moved. Curved his spine to align with Gon’s and looked upwards, at the decaying ceiling. Gon idly wondered what he saw there.

  “I’m sorry,” Killua whispered.

  For a million stupid things, Gon was sure.

  “Yeah. I’m sorry, too.”

  For just as many stupid things, probably. 

  Apologies could be a weird thing, sometimes. They should be easy. Ging had taught him how to do them properly. Understand your mistakes. Apologize for them specifically. Promise to be better. And then, most importantly, do your absolute damndest to follow up on that promise. So why did most apologies between him and Killua feel so different? Like they were too much and not enough at the same time? Like they couldn’t even grasp the things they were apologizing for. Like specifying them would break more than it would fix. What would happen if Gon opened his mouth now and gave form to all of the thoughts and feelings that had accumulated in his head and heart since then? Would it help Killua somehow? No, it would only hurt him more. Killua didn’t want to talk about it. 
  
    Couldn’t
  
   talk about it. Not yet. Maybe … maybe Aunt Mito was wrong. Maybe something had been whole in Killua once. Something Gon had taken and then smashed into a million teeny tiny pieces with just a few thoughtless words spoken in anger. No amount of apologies and no amount of doing better would ever be able to fix that. It was no wonder Killua had reacted the way he did. But then, it wasn’t like there was anything else he could do but to keep apologizing.

  He felt Killua move behind him. Felt him get off his back and heard him get on his feet. He walked into Gon’s line of sight and crouched down with his back to Gon.

  “You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” Killua said. “Get on. I’ll carry you to our room.” 

  Ah. Right. He was tired. He’d entirely forgotten. Now that Killua was stable again, everything came crashing back down. The fatigue. The cold. The weakness. Gon felt like he could collapse right then and there. It took all of his strength to lean forward and wrap his arms around Killua’s neck. Good thing Killua was strong and had experience lugging Gon around. He heaved the both of them upwards and, and his grip on Gon’s legs stayed secure even when all of Gon’s strength left him and he slumped bonelessly over Killua’s back. Had they ever done this when both of them were conscious? Gon didn’t think so. It was nice though. They should do it more often. Gon’s nose was buried in Killua’s neck and his scent was especially potent there. He’d never been able to find any comparison for Killua’s scent. It was just light, somehow. Airy. And one hundred percent distinctly 
  
    Killua
  
  . The only concrete note being that hint of Ozone that followed him around everywhere these days. But really, to Gon, it felt more and more that Ozone smelled like Killua, not the other way around. Gon would have to remember this little spot on Killua’s neck.

  Killua walked slowly and softly. Gon appreciated that. Every sound that wasn’t Killua’s almost noiseless steps was too loud of him right. Every scent that wasn’t Killua’s subtle fragrance was too potent. But the soft sway of Killua’s gate lulled him away from all these things. Away from reality. His head felt so heavy. His eyelids even more so. So he closed them and let himself be surrounded by all things 
  
    Killua
  
  . Like a natural barrier between Gon and the real world. It was nice. Gon wanted to thank Killua for it all, but his mind was too sluggish to find neither the words, nor his voice. He wanted to nuzzle his nose further into Killua’s neck, but his body wouldn’t obey him. He wanted to just fall asleep, right here on Killua’s back, and never wake up again. Stay asleep right here, forever. That sounded nice.

  Forever lasted a few minutes at best. Killua gently unloaded him on what Gon could only presume was his bed. It was soft and had sheets and it smelled like him, so it was probably his bed. He should probably open his eyes to check though. And then properly crawl under the covers. He couldn’t find the strength within himself to do any of that. Killua removed his boots for him - right, he was still wearing those - and pulled the blanket over him. It was oddly sweet. Gon always knew Killua could be almost painfully caring. He saw it every day when he was taking care of Alluka. He just never thought he’d be on the receiving end of that someday.

  “Hey, you awake?” Killua asked.

  He was. And he should really tell Killua such. But not even that seemed like something he was capable of. He felt like he was buried under a mountain. Nothing on his body obeyed him. Not even his eyelids. 

  “How do you always get yourself into these states?” Killua sighed.

  There was no way he was talking to Gon. He had to think he was asleep. Gon really should tell him otherwise. Pull himself together. At least open his eyes. But his body refused to obey. Killua ran a hand through Gon’s hair and it only served to make him sink deeper.

  “You know, I promised myself I’d protect you properly this time,” Killua continued. “That I’d stop running away. Be a better friend. But here I am, making the same mistakes again. I’m pathetic.”

  No. He really wasn’t. Gon was the pathetic one. Gon was the one who never learned. But even those small, fleeting thoughts made way for the ever expanding abyss when Killua ran his hand through Gon’s hair again. He was too far away to think at this point. The only thing left that he could actually do was be aware of the fact that he existed, and that Killua was here next to him.

  “I’m sorry,” Killua said again, and it was the single most heart wrenchingly pained apology Gon had ever heard. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell you that to your face some day, I promise. You’ll put up with my cowardice until then, won’t you?”

  Gon didn’t answer. Didn’t care to. He just floated here, wherever ‘here’ was, and let the words float next to him. No more words followed and it wasn’t until he woke at sunrise that Gon realized he’d fallen asleep at all.

  
  

    
      
        
        
          I refuse to apologize. I hope you all suffered.Leave kudos and comments about how much you want to burn me in the comments please. Your hate shall be my fuel.'
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