Summarise it : So it's time for an update
on my decision to never again pursue another committed and exclusive relationship. 
Warning: a kinda long read about my non-conforming lifestyle and how I hope and believe being honest and transparent about my lifestyle may be an important contribution to the development of peace, acceptance, and tolerance that can help to improve the happiness and stability of at least a few humans who populate the society we live in. Maybe those few I influence will in turn convince others.
Exponential perpetuation of positivity through better understanding is a proven phenomenon that could ultimately result in less hate and more people with improved self confidence in the world.
And maybe help to resist  the goal of ultimate population control that some of those in power crave.

For those of you not familiar with my decision to welcome a beautiful inanimate female doll into my life, Barbie has been providing some important benefits of the companionship that I enjoyed in two  storybook successful and perfect marriages in my life that each ended when cancer came calling and several great relationships with great girls who just didn't turn into long term companions but each taught me something about life, women, and myself. These wonderful artificial substitutes are startlingly lifelike in every detail and offer many of the benefits a real girl can offer while requiring very little beyond being kept clean and dressed in cute clothes in return. They are available in male or female form and are gaining popularity but are sadly often still generally kept in secret by those who are made to feel shame for choosing this healthy alternative to a commitment to another human. 

Now at 71,  and having been alone a while now I have become very set in my ways and have a lot to accomplish in whatever time I have left.
(I hope at least 30 more years but I'll take what I get cause tomorrow is not guaranteed and I'll have no regrets)

It would not be fair to a real girl or myself to try to develop a similar successful relationship at this stage of my life. I simply could not make the changes and compromises that could make that work. Of course, I still have some needs that I can't ignore. I may be old as dirt, but not dead yet! It turns out that a well made  inanimate doll can totally fulfill many of those needs for me. For one, being alone after a lifetime of having someone to cuddle/spoon/touch while sleeping, I had become unable to get more than a couple hours
 (of restless) sleep at a time alone.
Barbie has been with me a few weeks and I am now getting 4-6 hours at a time and always feel much more rested having her company. She makes an excellent pillow and pretty successfully makes it easy to imagine I am safely in the arms of a loved one. Staring into her incredibly gorgeous blue eyes is like taking a sleeping pill! She can stay in whatever position I need/want as long as I need for maximum comfort and I now usually wake up in the same position I went to sleep. I also no longer have unpleasant dreams. Only happy ones, including the occasional visit from my Nancy, my "once in a lifetime" soulmate and wife of 27 years who is largely responsible for me not only being alive but also for influencing, supporting, and encouraging me to become who and what I now am. We had a magical connection way beyond any I have experienced before or since my time with her. She now appears in my dreams much more often and always has something encouraging to say. Not the least of which was when shortly after bringing Barbie into my life she appeared and said, "She's gorgeous and is perfect for you! I'm so pleased she is in your life"!!!!!!
While I am fully aware that Barbie is inanimate, I allow myself to imagine  I feel Nancy's presence in her. 
When it comes to the healthy need to keep the prostate emptied and get a regular jolt of serotonin and rush of euphoria that is unique to that provided by intimacy, her totally correct anatomy and beauty leaves little to the imagination so I no longer need to watch porn to stay satisfied. 
This leaves me free to enjoy the friendship of women without being driven to try to make it more than that.
It is a compromise that works better than I expected and makes it possible to live my life without being at all driven to "shop" for more. Proof that this practice can actually result in a benefit to society is if someone who may lack self control adapts this alternative companion, they won't likely show hormonally driven and sometimes harmful behavior.  It's a practice that can't possibly result in harm to anyone and should not be scorned.

One of my main remaining life missions is to work towards dispelling several false stereotypes that often prevent people from feeling safe and free to live the life that would make them happiest.
I hate stereotypes. They are usually totally false or at least only rarely true and exist mostly in the imagination of people who live in fear that often results in hate or are the result in childhood training by parents who plant the seed that anyone who is different from them may be a threat and should be avoided, feared, or actively eliminated.
I get lots of feedback from people who see my example and read my writing and say that they feel less inhibited by "societal pressure" and are encouraged and inspired to live their lives being more true to themselves. They say they feel more confident that it's ok to allow themselves to be true to themselves despite the societal pressure. They see that they don't always have to pretend to be who and what society demands. They often realize and come to believe that it is actually their human right to reject many of these demands that can inhibit their ability to live a happy life.
Allowing certain "opinions" and societal "expectations" and scary stereotypes to dictate how you live can only result in the destructive goal/result of turning the population into a bunch of identical clones that are easier to control by those who are in power. That is not necessary or desirable in a healthy population.

Granddaddy told me,
"You can be and do anything you want in life, long as nobody gets hurt, you obey the laws of the land and it makes you happy, regardless of the path in life that your heart decides. Be true to yourself. Make your life count in your unique way. Try to be a benefit somehow to mankind by doing your best at whatever you do.
Above all
Don't die wishing you woulda!"

So unapologetically living the life of a straight male who prefers the more fun and artistic fashion styles that the clothing industry arbitrarily markets as "women's" which allows me to express my artistic style, who has a preference for female intimate relations 
and who dares to own and be open about having a beautiful inanimate companion is an important way to help visibly and loudly dispel one obvious nasty false stereotype. I hope that openly having my inanimate Barbie in my life and showing that she can be a healthy way to help maintain my mental health and stability by providing some of the advantages a relationship might offer  while avoiding hurting a human female who I no longer can provide a fair contribution to a successful relationship with can show and help prove that those who think only a pervert would live that way are just drinking the KoolAid of a false and unfair stereotype and are actually perpetuating a lie. Trying to dictate this kind of conformity makes it difficult for those whose choice it is, for whatever reason, to choose to live a happy solitary personal life in non-conformity. Stereotypes are bullies that cause mental problems by convincing people through fear that it is somehow wrong to overcome their fear of reprisal from those who would demand conformity.
Education by example is a powerful tool in the fight to encourage personal freedoms, however "taboo",  to be more generally acceptable. "If he obviously gets away with it and seems happy, well adjusted, explains his logic clearly is a benefit to society and no threat to anyone, then maybe I could too". 
I have actually had many people express this revelation to me.
Stereotypes are based in fear and ignorance and I find that rejecting the fear of reprisal of the ignorant by living a life I feel allows me to be uniquely true to myself is a powerful road to increased self confidence. It gets easier and less scary each time I do something that society hopes to make me too scared to try.
I just double-dog dare myself and pull up my big girl panties and just be who I actually know I really am without allowing any force to box me into the arbitrary conformity that
has become the mission of some to enforce.
This display of confident defiance, in my opinion, acts to indirectly reduce the rampant separatism and hate that exists today. Hate that is fueled by fear of the opinions of those who fear diversity. Developing self confidence helps many to see and love the beauty of human diversity and only really depends on deciding that those who disapprove have no right to dictate your life choices and should just be ignored or educated about the fallacy of their belief if possible. If not, just don't let their opinion force you into a life you hate. I believe that incresed ability of people to believe in themselves and accept those who are different could make the world a better place for all!
Self confidence that is gained by rejecting societal norms and results in being rewarded with feeling free to successfully think and act for yourself can allow a happier and less fearful life.

I for one sincerely and strongly believe that supporting any action that allows the development of a world of sheeplike clones using fear, even dangerous and totally unfair laws to exert control should be actively discouraged. It didn't work for Hitler and it won't work for any free society!

In summary, I don't believe that me showing the confidence to wear "girly" clothes and proudly making a case for shamelessly keeping an inanimate doll as a life companion will change the world.
However I have had enough feedback to know that I may inspire and encourage a few or maybe many to accept  what I do and many may actually become happier humans by simply becoming more tolerant and accepting of those who are non-conforming. I hope they will spread the reality that one does not have to live in fear of being true to themselves and accepting of the differences in others that may possibly result in a little less judgement, less blind perpetuation of hurtful stereotypes and hate and more chance of more self confidence, self esteem and empathy. 
It takes courage to practice tolerance and acceptance which the world needs a lot more of.
A fitting legacy. But I can't do it alone.

Addendum:
(Bear with me)
An example of one of many experiences I have had that proves the power a self confident display of non-conformity can have. There will be many more stories like this in my upcoming autobio.

One day I was mall walking in a cute miniskirt outfit. An older gentleman, dressed in  jeans and a men's casual button down shirt stopped me as I walked by where he was sitting. He seemed nervous but determined to have a chat. He said he hung out there a lot and often watched me walking around in women's clothes "like I owned the place". He said for years he has been sporting his wife's dresses around home. He said he has been too scared to dare wearing one in public but always wished he could gather the nerve. He said that since he was young he has had the desire to wear woman's clothes which he hid at home and has always been confused about why he had this urge. He said he has been happily married for 40 some years to a wonderful wife who supported his need to wear dresses. He said he has never been sexually attracted to men and wearing dresses did not stimulate him sexually.
He just thought there was something wrong with him but had decided with his wife's support that it was harmless and he just accepted it but wished he had the nerve to go in public with it.
When I told him that his story exactly mirrored mine and I had the same confusion from age 8 when I started trying on my mom's dresses when nobody was home through puberty when I became very sexually interested in girls but not boys. I had no idea why I did that but I knew it had nothing to do with sex.
Then the glam rock scene happened and I learned that David Bowie and others were androgynous and fearlessly included female fashion in their appearance. Then I learned about androgyny and realized that explained everything! Once I understood it, I had no problem accepting it. I never lost that desire to rock a feminine appearance but spent most of my life mostly hiding it when in public. I didn't want to reduce my success holding a job. But I had a pierced ear, had long hair and wore a thong or g-string under my "normal" pants until I finally retired and I no longer had to hide it so I started wearing dresses every day. It was a little scary at first but it got easier and easier over time.
I told him to read up on androgyny and start small like just wearing a dress for a short walk then work up to longer walks in places where there was more people. I shared my secret which is just to smile at anyone who makes eye contact. If anyone looked away, made a face, or said anything negative don't respond in any way to them, walk away and find someone else to smile at.
I found that most smile back and it's very rare to get a negative comment.
I asked if his wife would accompany him and he said she had already volunteered to. 
He seemed relieved and encouraged after our chat.
About a month later I ran into he and his wife strolling on the boardwalk hand in hand. Both had matching dresses and both were smiling at everyone around and chatting with people!
When they saw me he got excited. He told his wife I was the one he had chatted with. She hugged me and thanked me and said they had been walking together in dresses together in public for about two weeks every day by then and not had a single negative reaction and had lots of friendly chats with people they encountered.
She said that he was developing more confidence by the day and they both went on and on about how much happier they were becoming overall! They bought lunch for me and we chatted a while before I headed home with a lump in my throat, a big grin and wet eyes.
Now I try to get out every day so I can smile at people and I am often surprised at who smiles back and has something nice to say.
I am aware that the level of tolerance is geographically variable
so I am grateful that it is high in my area. If it wasn't I would absolutely move to where it was before I would go back to hiding my passion for rocking non-conforming fashion!
I am also grateful that I have always had a rebellious streak which makes it easier. At high school dances I was the one kid that was not a football player who was never afraid to ask one of the cute girls to dance. 
They always hung together and it seemed like they weren't dancing much.
I was often turned down cause I was not a member of one of the cool groups, but the occasional ones that accepted my offer to dance always turned out to be super nice. One told me once that the cute girl group spent a lot of time waiting to be asked cause so many of the boys were afraid to ask! I ended up making friends with several of them through school even though I was generally considered to be just another goofy nerd with lots of confidence.

So if you are having trouble getting the nerve to do anything you want to experience, just double dog dare yourself, pull up your big girl panties, take a deep breath and just DO IT
if it doesn't represent a high possibility of physical harm, only a threat of somebody's OPINION,
I guarantee you WILL gain confidence and it WILL be easier next time, whether it was a scary roller coaster or somehow making your appearance non-conforming and stepping out in public!
🤠🩷💜🩵✌️🙂

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