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`Riki@(...I don't know the right answer.)
We are faced with two tough choices.
Should I tell her to go?
Or would it be better if I didn't...
I had no idea.
Which was right?
Which was wrong?
`Kud@❝I promised my mother.❞
`Kud@❝When her rocket comes back safely,❞
`Kud@❝I'd be there to say ❛welcome home❜...❞
`Kud@❝My mother has never asked anything of me...❞
`Kud@❝...but just this once, she asked me to do this for her.❞
`Kud@❝I know I have to go... I know I need to be there to greet her...❞
`Kud@❝But I can't make up my mind.❞
`Kud@❝I don't know what I should do.❞
`Riki@❝...what do you want to do?❞
The words slipped out.
She's doesn't know what to do... Is there nothing I can do to help her?
`Riki@❝Well...❞
`Kud@❝Yes...?❞
She clasped her hands tight.
`Riki@❝What do you want to do?❞
I repeated the question.
`Kud@❝I, I...❞
She looked around.
She was searching for someone to give her an answer.
But there was just the two of us there.
`Kud@❝What do you think I should do...❞
`Riki@❝You should do what you want to.❞
That's the only answer I had for her.
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
Her face contorted.
`Kud@❝Please stop being mean...❞
❝I didn't respond;
No, I couldn't respond.
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
We have to constantly make decisions.
As long as we're alive.
I wanted to know what she wanted...
...before I voiced my opinion.
`Riki@❝Do you want to go home?❞
`Kud@❝......❞
*Shake.*
She shook her head no.
`Riki@❝Do you not want to go home?❞
`Kud@❝......❞
She shook her head no again.
`Riki@❝What do you want to do?❞
`Kud@❝...Aa... uu...❞
Her eyes wavered.
And her fists shook.
`Kud@❝I, I can't decide...❞
`Kud@❝I can't decide! How could I!❞
She came up to me.
She grabbed my sleeves, stood on her tiptoes, and yelled.
`Kud@❝I don't know... I don't know what I should do...❞
`Kud@❝So tell me, Riki.❞
`Kud@❝You've always told me what I should do.❞
`Kud@❝I've been able to work so hard because you were here.❞
`Kud@❝Because the boy I love gave me strength by encouraging me.❞
`Kud@❝I, because, I...❞
`Kud@❝I...❞
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Kud@❝......?❞
`Riki@❝I can't answer this for you...❞
I'm not strong enough.
You don't learn to be strong by running away.
`Riki@❝No matter what you do, you'll always have regrets.❞
`Riki@❝❛I should have done this❜ or ❛I should have done that.❜❞
`Riki@❝❛If only I had...❜ it all leads to regret.❞
It is unavoidable.
We'll never find the ❛right answer.❜
`Riki@❝No matter how hard you look.❞
`Riki@❝You won't find it anywhere.❞
It is a mistake in and of itself to believe there is a right answer.
❛I give up.❜
❜This is the end.❜
When someone steps in to help you in a hopeless situation, there's no weight to your decision.
It's really hard to find the ❛right answer❜ in that kind of situation.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Riki@❝What do you want to do?❞
`Riki@❝What you want to do should be your decision.❞
She looked up at me silently.
`Kud@❝...Riki...❞
Her hands were shaking.
They were shaking so hard it was pathetic.
`Riki@❝Kud, I want you to tell me what you're thinking.❞
`Kud@❝But, Riki...❞
She was hesitating.
`Riki@❝I want to know what you're thinking.❞
`Riki@❝Please tell me.❞
She slowly shook her head then looked down.
`Kud@❝I... I...❞
She shook her head again and again.
In the day to day,
we have a tendency to lose sight...
...of the fact that the people in front of us were living, breathing humans.
Each and every one of them with their own concerns.
There was only one thing I could do to help them.
And that was to hear them out.
That was it.
`Kud@❝......Riki.❞
She started talking like maybe she'd made up her mind.
`Kud@❝...If I...❞
`Riki@❝Yeah...?❞
`Kud@❝If I said I miss my mother, would you laugh at me?❞
`Kud@❝Would you laugh and say I'm a mama's girl?❞
`Kud@❝Would you be mad at me for acting spoiled?❞
`Riki@❝I won't.❞
I know how hard it is to lose both your parents.
That's why I nodded in understanding.
`Kud@❝...Would you laugh if I said I don't want to go back?❞
`Kud@❝Would you laugh if I said I don't want to leave the person I love?❞
`Kud@❝Would you laugh at me for being a selfish girl?❞
`Kud@❝Would you be mad if I said I want to have you all to myself?❞
`Riki@❝...No, I wouldn't.❞
I understood her heartfelt feelings.
I knew she was always putting up a brave front.
Her asking those questions showed how deep her feelings for me were.
`Kud@❝I feel like I have to go...❞
`Kud@❝But I don't want to.❞
`Kud@❝Because... because you're here.❞
`Kud@❝You didn't laugh when you heard my name.❞
`Kud@❝Whenever I'd meet a boy, they'd laugh and call me weird.❞
`Kud@❝I know they weren't trying to be mean.❞
`Kud@❝I mean, who doesn't laugh when they encounter something they find weird.❞
`Kud@❝...I wanted... to ask them to play.❞
`Kud@❝Or to eat candy together...❞
`Kud@❝But everyone... was always laughing at me... so I couldn't.❞
Her voice became softer and softer.
How long had she been alone?
An image floated into my mind.
There was a corner in some town that I'd never seen or heard of.
❛...tag, you're it...❜
A girl was playing shadow tag by herself.
It was Kud... playing shadow tag by herself at sunset.
`Kud@❝I don't usually get to stay in a town for long...❞
`Kud@❝That's all.❞
It wasn't anyone's fault.
Kud never blamed anyone for any of it.
Not over her having to move all over the world,
not over how she was kept away from her busy parents,
and not over the environment that kept her from being who she dreamed of being.
`Kud@❝I was alone and had no roots anywhere.❞
――She had been suffering all this time.
She bore no ill will toward anyone.
❛No matter where you look in the world, you won't find anyone who is truly evil.❜
`Kud@❝...I was always alone.❞
No one had told her that, but she knew.
She was trying to suppress the loneliness.
`Kud@❝I am a very weird person.❞
`Kud@❝But you didn't laugh.❞
How does Kud see me?
It was clear that her mood really did hinge on my every word and deed.
`Riki@❝...Yeah.❞
I remembered the first time we met.
I didn't even think about laughing.
❛Thank you for showing me the way.❜
I remembered how, after showing her around the school, she'd put her hands together and formally bowed.
Then, Kud, who had always acted as though she were a foreigner, said to me,
`Kud@❝I was happy.❞
`Kud@❝I was really, truly happy.❞
She looked up and smiled.
`Kud@❝...Always... always.❞
`Kud@❝I've always loved you...❞
`Kud@❝It was love at first sight.❞
`Kud@❝I always, always loved you for being you.❞
`Kud@❝I truly loved you.❞
`Kud@❝But it was one-sided.❞
`Kud@❝I... I wished for it to be mutual...❞
`Kud@❝Even though I knew it was selfish...❞
`Kud@❝I just wanted you to look at me...❞
`Kud@❝Just that would've been enough.❞
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
`Kud@❝......*Sob.*❞
Kud descended into silence as tears poured from her eyes.
It was a long, long, silence.
I wondered what she was thinking about as she cried.
I could only watch over her.
I couldn't tell her to stay or to go.
`Kud@❝...*Hic*... I've decided.❞
`Riki@❝Okay...❞
`Kud@❝I'll...❞
`Kud@❝...return the ticket.❞
`Kud@❝...I'm not going.❞
She'd decided to not return to her home country.
I reached out toward her head.
And gently stroked her hair.
I wasn't sure if that would make her feel better or not.
...I kept doing it until she stopped crying.
Masato threw my cellphone to me as I came back from my bath.
`Riki@❝Masato, don't treat my phone like that.❞
`Masato@❝You got a couple of emails.❞
`Riki@❝Eh?❞
I quickly opened my cell phone and found mails from Kud waiting.
[Thank you for today. -KN]
`Riki@❝...Masato, I've got to go out for a little while.❞
`Riki@❝So I hope you don't mind taking care of the patrol for me...❞
`Masato@❝Sure, sure. By the way, you are running up quite a tab for me covering for you.❞
`Masato@❝But what the hell. Hurry up and go to her.❞
`Masato@❝This is the only thing I can do for the two of you.❞
`Riki@❝Thanks, Masato.❞
I texted her back as I walked down the hallway.
Kud, can you come over to the clubroom?
`Riki@(.........)
I waited for a while, but I didn't get a reply.
Still, I headed for the clubroom.
`Kud@❝Good evening, Riki.❞
Kud was standing in front of the room in her casual wear.
`Riki@❝Sorry for asking you to come here, Kud.❞
She shook her head in silence.
She unlocked the door and we entered the room.
With a click, the lights turned on.
As I was looking around the room, Kud started speaking.
`Kud@❝I returned the ticket to the person from the embassy.❞
`Riki@❝I see...❞
Kud spoke slowly, a bit at a time.
It would normally have been impossible to get a ticket like that.
She had only been given it because her mother was a VIP in Tevua.
`Kud@❝...It also seems that I was still registered at a school there.❞
`Riki@❝A school in your homeland?❞
`Kud@❝Yes.❞
`Kud@❝I was considered to still be a student of TASA's aviation school.❞
`Kud@❝I thought I had withdrawn...❞
`Kud@❝...but Mother left me registered.❞
`Kud@❝Students at the aviation school are registered with the military too...❞
`Kud@❝So they had no choice but to give me a ticket.❞
`Riki@❝What's the aviation school?❞
`Kud@❝It's a vocational high school that prepares you to become an astronaut.❞
She told me she only studied there for half a year.
`Kud@❝I was the class idiot.❞
`Kud@❝The classes... are all in English...❞
`Kud@❝People made fun of me in all kinds of ways; called me a waste of taxpayer's money...❞
`Kud@❝...There was no reward for trying hard.❞
She said that was when she ran away.
In other words... she couldn't bear it.
`Kud@❝My classmate was furious.❞
`Kud@❝She was the strictest with me.❞
`Kud@❝That's right, she was a lot like Kanata-san... ahaha.❞
`Kud@❝She'd scold me for having no resolve.❞
She cast her eyes down.
`Kud@❝When I returned the ticket, the person from the embassy didn't say anything.❞
`Kud@❝It would have been better if they'd yelled at me.❞
`Kud@❝I wanted someone to tell me to stop always running away from everything.❞
`Riki@❝Kud, don't say stuff like that.❞
I licked my dry lips and told her that.
But was there any weight to those words?
Isn't Kud's weakness...
...the same weakness we all have?
`Kud@❝But Riki, how many times have I run away?❞
`Kud@❝Run, run, run... it's all I ever do.❞
`Kud@❝I just run away again and again.❞
`Kud@❝Am I not just avoiding the situation?❞
`Kud@❝I accomplish nothing by running away. I know that.❞
`Kud@❝...A girl like me being named ❛Kudryavka.❜❞
`Kud@❝It's a joke.❞
`Kud@❝The ❛Kudryavka❜ who can't fly anywhere.❞
`Kud@❝That's me.❞
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
`Kud@❝Everyone's laughing at me. They're definitely laughing...❞
`Riki@❝That's not true.❞
`Riki@❝...Don't say that, Kud.❞
Every day, people are hurt all around the world.
Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they don't exist.
We are helpless against that pain and suffering.
We are truly small and insignificant cogs in the merciless clock we call the world.
Anyone could be ground up by those gears.
So is it all meaningless?
......Truly?
Is it truly meaningless?
`Riki@❝Even so... we are here.❞
`Riki@❝Don't lament being powerless.❞
If you give up because you don't believe you can change anything, will that lead to salvation?
No, there's no way.
I remembered those painful days.
`Kud@❝...Is there something I can do?❞
`Riki@❝I think there is.❞
`Riki@❝I think there's something only you can do.❞
`Riki@❝There are plenty of things you can do.❞
`Riki@❝You shouldn't run away from them. That's what I think.❞
As I spoke, I thought about how it was like I was telling myself this.
It's easy to tell someone to stand up and fight.
It's really easy... to just say it.
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
`Kud@❝...You're probably right.❞
`Kud@❝I won't run... from the things I can do...❞
`Kud@❝...Riki, you really are stronger than me.❞
`Riki@❝...You're wrong. I'm not strong. I'm no stronger than anyone else.❞
I'm just acting strong.
I'm just showing off in front of the girl I love.
Telling her that she can handle the weight of her decision.
I could feel the weight of my words coming back at me.
`Kud@❝Even if it's a bluff... you're still really cool.❞
`Kud@❝Thank you. Really, thank you...❞
I gently hugged Kud.
I wanted to acknowledge her conviction.
And I wanted her to know it.
So I hugged her slender body tightly and stroked her hair.
...I could faintly hear someone breathing in their sleep.
It was still early in the morning.
I slowly got up.
Very gently.
So that I wouldn't wake Riki up.
`Riki@❝...ngh...❞
He was sleeping soundly.
I wonder if he was dreaming?
`Kud@❝Riki's sleeping face sure is cute...❞
I giggled.
`Kud@❝Riki.❞
`Kud@❝I'm glad I met you.❞
`Riki@❝......ngh......❞
But occasionally it looked as though Riki was having a nightmare.
The same thing happened during our date in the courtyard.
While asleep he would sometimes look as though he were in pain.
`Kud@❝...Riki.❞
I gently stroked his bangs.
`Kud@❝I wish I could take away your pain...❞
`Kud@❝...but... that's just an arrogant dream.❞
I've always loved you.
I loved you so much.
`Kud@❝He's always helping me...❞
`Kud@❝It might not be my place... but I want to help you, Riki...❞
There was no way I could go into Riki's dreams.
So there was no way to make that wish come true...
I just kept stroking his bangs,
until he woke up.
The next morning.
`Kud@❝Guddo mo-ningu, Riki.❞
`Kud@❝Ehehe...❞
I met Kud again outside the classroom.
There was still a hint of sorrow in her expression.
But when she saw me, she smiled shyly.
I was embarrassed too... ever since waking up on her cloak this morning.
`Masato@❝Hey, you two.❞
`Riki@❝W-what?❞
`Masato@❝You're blocking the doorway.❞
`Kud@❝S-sorry.❞
Kud bowed quickly and hurried into the room.
`Masato@❝...Did she decide not to go back?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah, we talked and that's what she decided.❞
`Masato@❝I see.❞
`Kengo@❝.........❞
`Masato@❝There's probably nothing people like us would have been able to do anyway.❞
`Kengo@❝...A wise decision.❞
`Riki@❝Thanks, you two.❞
The teacher came in and homeroom started.
During lunch break, I noticed Haruka-san looking down at the courtyard.
`Haruka@❝Hey, Riki-kun.❞
`Riki@❝What are you looking at?❞
`Haruka@❝I'm watching Little Kud and them.❞
Kud and the dogs were in the courtyard.
`Haruka@❝...Is it true that you made Little Kud decide?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah.❞
`Haruka@❝Then I guess you didn't need my advice.❞
`Riki@❝That's not true. It was very helpful. Thank you.❞
`Haruka@❝I didn't do anything.❞
`Haruka@❝But, hey. Things are the same as usual then, huh?❞
`Riki@❝I don't think they are...❞
`Haruka@❝...Oh. I just like thinking they are.❞
`Haruka@❝Well, I have something to do, so I'll be going.❞
`Haruka@❝Bye bye, Riki-kun.❞
She said that and disappeared around the corner.
During lunch break, I noticed Futaki-san looking down at the courtyard.
`Riki@❝What are you looking at?❞
`Futaki@❝...I'm watching Kudryavka.❞
I looked out the window as usual.
Kud and the dogs were there.
`Futaki@❝Is it true you made Kudryavka decide?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah. But we talked about it first.❞
`Futaki@❝......❞
She narrowed her eyes a little.
`Riki@❝What's wrong?❞
`Futaki@❝You know,❞
`Futaki@❝If you'd said ❛go,❜ she would have, and if you'd said ❛don't go,❜ she'd have stayed.❞
`Futaki@❝Why didn't you give her an answer?❞
`Riki@❝......❞
I didn't know how to answer.
That's just what I decided to do.
`Futaki@❝Do you mean to tell me you were doing her a favor by pushing her away?❞
`Riki@❝No, that's not it...❞
You certainly could say I pushed her away.
It was painful.
`Riki@❝But I felt like I shouldn't make that call.❞
`Riki@❝To go or not to.❞
`Riki@❝I know how she feels.❞
`Riki@❝About her family, her dreams... and about me.❞
`Futaki@❝...Indeed.❞
`Futaki@❝For her, there's only one answer in the end...❞
`Futaki@❝As long she keeps loving you.❞
She brushed aside her hair and sighed.
`Futaki@❝...How worrisome.❞
`Futaki@❝I have work, so I'll be going.❞
`Futaki@❝See you.❞
`Futaki@❝Also, if there's anything I can help with, call me.❞
`Futaki@❝I'll help however I can.❞
`Riki@❝Okay, tha-❞
`Futaki@❝Don't misunderstand.❞
`Riki@❝......❞
`Futaki@❝I'm not doing it for you.❞
`Futaki@❝It's for Kudryavka. Therefore thanks are unnecessary.❞
She cut me off and left on that note.
It was lunch break.
`Riki@❝Where should I go today...❞
Cafeteria$dSchool store
...I'll go to the cafeteria.
I noticed Nishizono-san looking down at the courtyard.
`Riki@❝What are you looking at?❞
`Nishizono@❝I was watching Noumi-san.❞
I followed her gaze out of the window.
Kud and the dogs were there.
`Nishizono@❝...I hear Noumi-san decided not to go back.❞
`Riki@❝Yeah.❞
`Nishizono@❝She was crying.❞
`Riki@❝......Yeah.❞
`Nishizono@❝...You're cruel.❞
`Nishizono@❝It would have been much easier if you'd told her to either stay or go.❞
`Riki@❝But I want to be proud of Kud's choice.❞
`Nishizono@❝...So that's where you two get your strength.❞
`Riki@❝Can you really call this strength...?❞
She smiled when she heard that.
`Nishizono@❝To accept the reality before you... that alone is not strength.❞
`Nishizono@❝You have to face it and make a choice.❞
`Nishizono@❝...To not make one and just keep going forward. That is probably weakness.❞
Nishizono-san's words seemed to be directed toward herself as well.
`Nishizono@❝...Well, I need to go to the library. If you'll excuse me.❞
`Nishizono@❝Oh yes, if there's something I can help with, please tell me.❞
`Riki@❝Okay, I will.❞
`Nishizono@❝Bye.❞
She said and disappeared around the corner.
I'll go to the school store...
I noticed Komari-san and Rin looking down at the courtyard.
During lunch break, I noticed Komari-san and Rin looking down at the courtyard.
`Riki@❝Komari-san. Rin.❞
`Rin@❝Riki.❞
`Komari@❝Oh, hello, Riki-kun.❞
`Riki@❝What are you looking at?❞
`Komari@❝Kuu-chan and them.❞
I followed her gaze out of the window.
Kud and the dogs were there.
`Komari@❝I hear that Kuu-chan decided not to go back.❞
`Riki@❝Yeah... what do you think about it?❞
`Komari@❝I...❞
`Komari@❝I think it's good. If that's what she decided.❞
`Komari@❝Right, Rin-chan?❞
`Rin@❝...This is way over my head.❞
`Rin@❝But Kud should be with her dogs.❞
`Rin@❝Look. They seem happy.❞
Strelka, Belka, and Kud really did look that way.
`Rin@❝If they want to be together, they should be.❞
`Rin@❝That's how I'd want it.❞
What would Rin do if she was going to be separated from her cats?
Is she as strong as she says?
`Komari@❝Riki-kun, the teacher asked us for help so we're going.❞
`Komari@❝Rin-chan, let's go.❞
`Rin@❝Okay.❞
`Komari@❝Ah, Riki-kun. If Kuu-chan has any problems, call me.❞
`Komari@❝If I can help, I will.❞
Komari-san smiled sweetly and then disappeared around the corner with Rin.
I went down to the courtyard.
`Kud@❝Strelka... Belka...❞
Kud was hugging them both tightly and looking down.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
*Woof.*
*Yip.*
Both dogs were wagging their tails.
`Riki@❝Do you want to play?❞
Belka wagged her tail harder in response to my question.
`Riki@❝Is it okay, Kud?❞
`Kud@❝...Yes.❞
After playing for a while, the dogs laid down on the lawn and wouldn't move.
No matter how many times I tried.
*Woof.*
*Yip.*
...It was like they were telling me to talk to Kud.
`Riki@❝How are you feeling, Kud?❞
`Kud@❝...I'm okay, somehow.❞
`Riki@❝I see.❞
`Riki@❝Do you regret it?❞
`Kud@❝Yes.❞
`Riki@❝...I see.❞
`Kud@❝I've thought ❛I regret this❜ so many times.❞
`Kud@❝Over and over.❞
`Kud@❝I feel like I'm always regretting something.❞
`Kud@❝That I always will.❞
`Kud@❝...I remembered something during all that.❞
`Riki@❝What did you remember?❞
`Kud@❝It's really, really sad.❞
That's all she said.
Since she decided not to go back, we'd started a routine.
We would watch the news on the cafeteria TV every day.
The outbreak of the insurrection.
The cessation of rescue efforts.
The worsening of sanitary conditions due to lack of government services.
The situation deteriorated with each passing day.
All we could do was watch the TV.
The fires were still raging.
A number of countries were worried about the technical specifications of the new experimental reactor being stolen.
Regional organizations worried about the chaos decided to intervene.
Aerial bombing had commenced.
`News Program@❝...According to reports sent via satellite by our special correspondent, who remained on scene until the last minute...❞
`News Program@❝The insurgents have begun publicly executing the aviation staff and government officials...❞
*Bang.*
I stood up from my chair.
What is this? What is the news anchor talking about?
`News Program@❝...One moment please... yes?❞
The anchor was suddenly handed a memo.
She tilted her head and wiped the sweat from her brow with a handkerchief.
`News Program@❝...The group that has occupied the news station is broadcasting the executions.❞
`News Program@❝According to the video obtained by the station... we're going to show this?❞
`News Program@❝Just the beginning? But this is...❞
The studio seemed to be in chaos.
What we saw next on the TV screen was...
Figures wearing blindfolds and gagged with towels.
A number of men and women were lined up against the window of a building.
There was something scribbled on their exposed skin.
It looked like some kind of pattern.
`Kud@❝...❞
There were a number of bangs.
...They were gunshots.
Just then the screen went to static.
All that was coming through now was noise.
The screen flickered a few times and the news cast came back on.
`News Program@❝T-the chaos seems to have reached a climax...❞
`Kud@❝...aah... ah...❞
Kud was completely pale.
The commotion in the cafeteria died down and there was a strange silence.
`Kud@❝Waaaaaaaaah!❞
Kud's scream resounded throughout the cafeteria.
`Riki@❝Kud? Kud, calm down.❞
Kud was shaking like crazy.
`Riki@❝Kud!❞
I grabbed her in a hurry.
`Komari@❝Kuu-chan, are you okay!?❞
`Komari@❝Rin-chan!❞
`Rin@❝Ngh!❞
Rin, who had just returned with a tray stacked high with jelly cups, ran over to Kud.
`Rin@❝Kud.❞
`Komari@❝Riki-kun, put her on your shoulder.❞
`Riki@❝Got it.❞
`Komari@❝I'm going to go let the nurse know!❞
Komari-san ran off.
Following after her, Rin and I carried Kud to the infirmary.
We came out of the infirmary.
`Komari@❝I'm worried about Kuu-chan.❞
`Riki@❝...Looks like she went into shock.❞
It's no wonder after seeing that.
`Riki@❝Thanks, Komari-san. You too, Rin.❞
`Komari@❝It's no problem at all.❞
`Rin@❝......Kud.❞
`Riki@❝Let's come back later.❞
I made the suggestion.
I had a light lunch and came back.
`Riki@(...Kyousuke?)
I saw Kyousuke go into the infirmary.
I guess even he had heard about what happened.
`Riki@❝Kyousu...❞
`Kyousuke@❝So it happened ❛again.❜❞
He was staring at Kud, who was lying in bed.
`Riki@❝......?❞
I thought I heard Kyousuke whisper something to himself.
`Riki@❝Kyousuke.❞
`Kyousuke@❝Oh, Riki.❞
`Riki@❝Did you hear what happened?❞
`Kyousuke@❝Yes, Masato told me.❞
`Riki@❝...Why did something like this happen...❞
Why is the universe conspiring against us?
`Kyousuke@❝Anything can happen.❞
`Kyousuke@❝Nobody thinks it will happen until it does.❞
`Kyousuke@❝Once it happens, it seems like it was destined to happen.❞
`Riki@❝...Yeah...❞
`Kyousuke@❝Support her.❞
That's all he said to me.
`Riki@❝Okay.❞
Kyousuke patted me on the shoulder and walked away.
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
I watched over her.
She looked like she was suffering.
The nurse came in.
When she noticed me, she gestured me into the hall.
`Nurse@❝She looked like she was pretty upset. Do you know why?❞
`Riki@❝...No, I don't.❞
`Nurse@❝She probably had a flashback.❞
`Nurse@❝It's as though she relived something terrible that she'd seen.❞
`Nurse@❝In all likelihood...❞
`Nurse@❝...the news program set it off.❞
`Riki@❝...I am not sure...❞
The nurse said that she might even be hospitalized.
Is there nothing I can do for her?
`Komari@❝Riki-kun.❞
`Riki@❝Komari-san...❞
`Komari@❝I wonder if Kuu-chan's okay...❞
`Haruka@❝Ah, Komarin. Have you seen Riki-kun?❞
`Haruka@❝Oh there he is!❞
`Komari@❝Haru-chan, what's wrong?❞
`Haruka@❝I heard about Little Kud.❞
`Riki@❝What should we do...❞
`Haruka@❝I think she might be better off not waking up.❞
`Riki@❝Why do you think that?❞
`Haruka@❝Because this is a situation that she can't face head on.❞
`Riki@❝...That may be true.❞
`Komari@❝...Haru-chan...❞
`Komari@❝Don't you think that you need to see the things you don't want to?❞
`Haruka@❝...There's no need to see things you don't like.❞
`Haruka@❝It's better if you forget the difficult and painful things.❞
`Komari@❝.........❞
Komari-san shook her head in silence.
She didn't seem to be agreeing or disagreeing. She just stayed silent.
`Haruka@❝Riki-kun, what do you think?❞
I thought about it.
`Riki@❝...I think you need to look.❞
That's running away.
❛I won't run... from the things I can do...❜
Kud definitely said that.
`Haruka@❝......❞
Haruka-san and Komari-san looked at each other and gave forced smiles.
`Komari@❝Then you need to tell Kuu-chan that.❞
`Riki@❝Yeah.❞
I nodded.
`Futaki@❝So this is where you were, Kamikita-san.❞
`Komari@❝Futaki-san, what's wrong?❞
`Futaki@❝I heard about Kudryavka.❞
`Riki@❝...What should we do?❞
`Futaki@❝It seems Kudryavka really couldn't handle facing this problem head on.❞
`Futaki@❝It's your fault.❞
She threw an accusing glare my way.
`Riki@❝...That might be true.❞
`Komari@❝...Futaki-san.❞
`Komari@❝I wish you wouldn't say things like that.❞
`Komari@❝Riki-kun alone isn't responsible for putting her in this situation.❞
`Komari@❝She decided for herself.❞
`Komari@❝When you say it like that, it makes me feel bad for Kuu-chan too.❞
`Futaki@❝...Kamikita-san... I'm sorry. You're right.❞
Komari-san shook her head.
`Komari@❝It's okay, I understand. You're worried about Kuu-chan too.❞
`Futaki@❝...Indeed.❞
`Futaki@❝What should we do?❞
`Futaki@❝About Kudryavka.❞
I thought about it.
❛I won't run... from the things I can do...❜
Kud definitely said that.
`Riki@❝I don't know what I should say to Kud.❞
`Riki@❝But I want to do something for her.❞
`Futaki@❝...Yes.❞
Futaki-san whispered to herself.
`Futaki@❝That's your role.❞
She left it at that and left.
`Rin@❝Komari-chan.❞
`Komari@❝Rin-chan. What's wrong?❞
`Rin@❝I heard about Kud from Kyousuke.❞
`Riki@❝What should we do...❞
`Rin@❝...Umyu.❞
`Rin@❝...I don't really know...❞
`Riki@❝Yeah...❞
`Rin@❝...Maybe she'd be better off not waking up.❞
`Rin@❝This is too sad...❞
`Komari@❝.........❞
Maybe she's right.
Kud had been forced to face the evil of unintended consequences by those who meant well.
Even if no one means for such a tragedy to unfold...
Could I state definitively that there is no evil in the world?
`Rin@❝...Riki.❞
`Riki@❝Huh? What, Rin?❞
`Rin@❝I'd feel bad for Coconut and Pelmeni if Kud's still out of it when she wakes up...❞
`Riki@❝What are you talking about?❞
`Rin@❝They're Strelka's kids.❞
`Rin@❝We already named the unborn puppies.❞
`Riki@❝!❞
`Rin@❝Does that mean she's not going to look after the unborn puppies?❞
`Rin@❝Of course not.❞
Rin spoke with conviction.
`Riki@❝...Yeah. That's right.❞
`Riki@❝That's definitely right, Rin.❞
`Rin@❝Yeah.❞
*Ring.*
The sound of the bell made my heart feel lighter.
After dinner, I visited the infirmary.
`Riki@❝How is she?❞
`Nurse@❝She's awake. But she's pretty depressed.❞
`Riki@❝I see...❞
`Nurse@❝Could you take her to the dorm?❞
`Nurse@❝Noumi-san, your friend is here.❞
`Kud@❝......❞
Kud came out looking listless.
Her eyes were dead.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Kud@❝......❞
`Nurse@❝I already contacted her roommate.❞
`Riki@❝Okay. Thank you very much.❞
I took Kud to the girls' dorm.
She didn't say a word the entire trip.
I exchanged greetings with my classmates.
`Riki@❝Morning.❞
I looked toward Kud's seat.
...I wasn't surprised to see that she wasn't there.
`Komari@❝Kuu-chan is absent.❞
`Riki@❝Komari-san. Morning.❞
`Komari@❝Ah, yup. Morning, Riki-kun.❞
She mentioned Kud before greeting me because of how worried she was.
`Riki@❝...She's absent...❞
`Komari@❝Looks that way...❞
I guess it can't be helped.
Thus, the day started without Kud.
The cafeteria was bustling.
It was the same as usual, as if nothing had happened.
That liveliness was painful.
Someone had been hurt and was suffering.
Yet everything was ❛the same as always.❜
Even if one gear was missing... it didn't have much of an effect.
It irritated me a little.
`Riki@(...No, that's wrong...)
People just didn't see it as a serious problem.
That's what this liveliness meant.
If I hadn't gotten to know Kud, I probably wouldn't have noticed either.
No matter how much things seem to be ❛the same as usual,❜ there are people who that's not true for.
`Riki@(...Isn't that natural?)
Isn't that only natural?
It was so obvious... it was depressing.
Very depressing.
After dinner, I left Masato and the others and came here.
The wind of the early summer night was refreshing and relaxing.
Even though I was feeling down.
`Riki@❝...Huh?❞
Isn't that person facing the other way Kud?
`Kud@❝...I don't know. I don't know if that's good or not.❞
Kud was talking to someone.
`Kyousuke@❝...Has what you want to do changed?❞
`Kud@❝...It hasn't changed.❞
`Kud@❝My decision hasn't changed.❞
`Kyousuke@❝No matter what choice you make...❞
`Kyousuke@❝Riki, nor anyone else, will criticize you for it.❞
`Kyousuke@❝...You're probably tired. You should hurry back to your room.❞
`Kud@❝Yes. I will.❞
`Kud@❝Sorry... I'm really sorry, Kyousuke-san.❞
Kud staggered off into the darkness.
Kyousuke watched her go with an air about him that made him hard to approach.
He just stood there silently looking in the direction that Kud had gone.
I left the courtyard so that he wouldn't notice me.
`Riki@❝Morning.❞
`Classmate@❝Morning, Naoe.❞
Kud was absent again.
What had she and Kyousuke been talking about?
I was worried.
`Teacher@❝Homeroom is starting.❞
...Most of what the teacher said in that and the following classes went in one ear and out the other.
I found Kud in the courtyard.
`Riki@❝Kud!❞
`Kud@❝...? Riki.❞
`Riki@❝Are you better now?❞
`Kud@❝Yes, kinda.❞
`Kud@❝I don't feel well... but I'm okay.❞
`Riki@❝I see...❞
`Kud@❝...Riki, I have a favor to ask.❞
`Riki@❝What? What do you want me to do?❞
`Kud@❝Could you help me throw out some stuff?❞
`Riki@❝Stuff? What stuff?❞
She said nothing.
It'd been a while since I'd been to her room.
I looked around.
At the closet and desk and so on.
`Riki@(...There's the Edo period print, and the patchwork pocket.)
If felt like it had been a really long time since I'd helped her move.
She pulled a gray cardboard box out from under the desk.
`Riki@❝What's inside?❞
`Kud@❝Things I don't need anymore.❞
That wasn't much of a reply.
`Kud@❝It's a little heavy. Will you be okay?❞
I picked it up.
It certainly was kinda heavy.
`Kud@❝Let's go.❞
Kud picked up a black trash bag as she spoke.
I could heard clanking noises coming from it.
`Riki@❝......❞
I set the cardboard box at the dump site.
`Kud@❝......❞
Kud silently set down the black trash bag as well.
There was the unpleasant sound of metal or ceramic things hitting each other.
Kud looked at it expressionlessly.
`Riki@❝...Is it okay to throw these out?❞
`Kud@❝It's okay. I don't need any of it anymore.❞
`Kud@❝I won't look at or use any of it anymore.❞
`Kud@❝Why did I keep all of it until now...❞
`Kud@❝I wish I'd thrown it all out sooner.❞
`Kud@❝That way I could have ended the suffering.❞
`Kud@❝I'm so stubborn.❞
She was out of it.
She wasn't smiling anymore.
`Kud@❝...Riki, thank you for helping.❞
She left the dump site like that.
I watched her go.
I should have said something.
But what should I have said to stop her?
Did Kud lose her smile because I couldn't even tell her to stay or go?
It was frustrating.
It was probably my fault.
I don't want you to go.
You should go.
If I'd said one of those, would she still be able to smile?
I stared at the cardboard box.
...What was she throwing away?
I reached out toward the box.
`Haruka@❝You shouldn't open it.❞
Someone suddenly spoke.
It was Haruka-san.
`Riki@❝Why do you think that?❞
`Haruka@❝It's been thrown out, so it doesn't really belong to anyone anymore.❞
`Haruka@❝But I still think you shouldn't open it.❞
`Riki@❝........❞
Selfishly opening it wouldn't be a praiseworthy course of action.
What am I going to do after I open it?
I thought about it.
`Riki@❝...Kud asked herself why she'd kept it until now.❞
`Riki@❝There has to be a reason she kept it.❞
`Riki@❝She wouldn't tell me why.❞
`Riki@❝I want to know why.❞
`Haruka@❝Because she didn't want you to know the reason.❞
`Haruka@❝Will you open it knowing that?❞
`Riki@❝Yes.❞
I nodded.
When I said it out loud, my intention became clear.
`Riki@❝It's something she mustn't throw away.❞
`Riki@❝That's what I think.❞
`Haruka@❝...if that's what you think, I guess it can't be helped.❞
`Haruka@❝Be sure to apologize to Little Kud. Tell her sorry.❞
`Riki@❝Haruka-san?❞
She turned around and left without acknowledging my response.
`Riki@❝......❞
I reached out toward the box.
`Futaki@❝Do you intend to open it?❞
Someone suddenly spoke.
It was Futaki-san.
`Riki@❝Yeah. I was going to.❞
`Futaki@❝...I see.❞
`Riki@❝Opening what others have thrown away is pretty crass.❞
`Futaki@❝But it's been thrown away, so it doesn't actually belong to anyone.❞
`Futaki@❝I probably would have opened it too.❞
`Futaki@❝So, when you see what's inside, what will you do?❞
What am I going to do after I open it?
I thought about it.
`Riki@❝...Kud asked herself why she'd kept it until now.❞
`Riki@❝There has to be a reason she kept it.❞
`Riki@❝She wouldn't tell me why.❞
`Riki@❝I want to know why.❞
`Futaki@❝It wasn't necessary to tell you.❞
`Futaki@❝Maybe she didn't want you to know. Will you open it anyway?❞
`Riki@❝Yes.❞
I nodded.
When I said it out loud, my intention became clear.
`Riki@❝It's something she mustn't throw away.❞
`Riki@❝That's what I think.❞
`Futaki@❝...I see. If that's the case... I guess it can't be helped.❞
`Futaki@❝You truly are good natured.❞
`Riki@❝Futaki-san?❞
She turned around and left without acknowledging my response.
`Riki@❝......❞
I reached out toward the box.
`Komari@❝...Riki-kun.❞
Someone suddenly spoke.
It was Komari-san.
`Komari@❝...Are you going to open that?❞
`Riki@❝Yes. I was going to.❞
`Komari@❝...Kuu-chan threw that out.❞
`Komari@❝I don't know why she did it...❞
`Komari@❝But that's something she threw out.❞
What am I going to do after I open it?
I thought about it.
`Riki@❝...Kud asked herself why she'd kept it until now.❞
`Riki@❝There has to be a reason she kept it.❞
`Riki@❝She wouldn't tell me why.❞
`Riki@❝I want to know why.❞
Komari-san just looked at me and said nothing.
When I said it out loud, my intention became clear.
`Riki@❝It's something she mustn't throw away.❞
`Riki@❝That's what I think.❞
`Komari@❝...Yup, I see. You're right.❞
`Komari@❝I think so too.❞
`Komari@❝Actually, I knew.❞
`Komari@❝It's something Kuu-chan has always cherished.❞
`Komari@❝When we were riding the bus, I saw her clinging to ❛that❜ the entire time.❞
`Komari@❝It's very, very precious to her.❞
`Komari@❝So honestly, I think she shouldn't throw it away.❞
`Riki@❝Komari-san?❞
She was speaking in a whisper.
She looked at me and smiled.
Her smile looked terribly hollow.
`Komari@❝You should be the only one to see what's inside.❞
`Komari@❝I'll go.❞
I watched her turn around and leave.
The box was sealed with a number of layers of tape.
I stripped them off one by one.
Then opened the box.
Inside was...
`Riki@❝...Kud's dream?❞
There were books about space.
As well as model shuttles and rockets.
And a dark blue mug with a familiar looking artificial satellite on it.
[Спутник два (Sputnik 2)]
As usual, I couldn't read it.
...why did Kud put all the things related to her dream in this box?
`Riki@❝Huh?❞
I noticed a clear vinyl bag in the very bottom of the box.
There was a small metal fragment and a machine part. And what looked like a letter.
`Riki@❝It's in English?❞
`Riki@❝...Is it from the embassy?❞
If it was, it probably came with the airplane ticket.
Kud had returned the ticket and kept just the letter.
There was a picture postcard between the pages.
The picture was of a sky whose dark blue color verged on black.
[The Sky 50 Nautical Miles Away.]
`Riki@(What are nautical miles?)
I turned the card over to see who the sender was.
The name was written in characters I couldn't read.
Just one line was in Japanese.
[Dear Kunya,]
[Let's go and see it together some day.]
Kunya.
I remembered Kud's story.
It was the nickname Kud's mother used for her.
I set the letter and postcard down next to me and grabbed the machine part.
When I did, the metal piece hit the ground with a clang.
I picked it up.
`Riki@❝A dog tag?❞
I'd seen my classmates wearing them as accessories.
[Ч... рну... ка.]
I traced the surface of the metal fragment.
[Стру...... цк... я.]
Whose is this?
I put the machine part that was made up of melted and twisted screws and gears in my palm.
It was pretty heavy.
What is it?
I had no idea.
I was deep in thought in the cafeteria.
`Masato@❝Riki, what's wrong?❞
`Riki@❝Masato, and Kyousuke too.❞
`Riki@❝Where's Kengo?❞
`Masato@❝His club advisor wanted to talk to him.❞
Masato sat across from me.
He had a lot of food again today.
`Riki@❝The hamburger steak set?❞
`Masato@❝It's 800 grams.❞
`Riki@❝You've got a hell of an appetite, Masato.❞
Kyousuke had a sandwich just like me.
I took a sip of tea and noticed that it'd gotten cold.
`Kyousuke@❝Thinking?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah...❞
`Riki@❝About Kud.❞
`Riki@❝I don't know what to do.❞
`Riki@❝Do you know anything about these, Kyousuke?❞
I pointed at the dog tag and machine part.
`Kyousuke@❝I don't. How about you, Masato?❞
`Masato@❝If Kyousuke doesn't know, there's no way I would.❞
`Riki@❝Okay...❞
Kyousuke ate his sandwich in silence.
If Kyousuke says he doesn't know anything, I can't ask him for advice.
`Masato@❝...You look pretty down, Riki.❞
`Riki@❝Yeah, you know.❞
I didn't know anything about ❛this.❜
If I knew something about it, then maybe I could help Kud smile again.
`Riki@(...Maybe it's impossible.)
`Masato@❝Where'd you find that?❞
`Riki@❝It was in Kud's cardboard box.❞
`Masato@❝Hmm.❞
`Masato@❝...Then it's definitely something important.❞
`Riki@❝You're probably right.❞
`Riki@❝But she threw it out.❞
`Riki@❝If she threw it out, even if it was important, she's saying it's nothing now.❞
`Masato@❝...You have a point.❞
I traced the surface of the dog tag.
`Masato@❝...Even if we don't know, isn't there a chance the girls might?❞
`Masato@❝I'm not positive, but someone like Komari-san would probably know more than us.❞
Masato whispered.
`Riki@❝...What?❞
`Masato@❝Obviously you don't know everything about Little Kud.❞
`Masato@❝We don't know what they do to pass the time in the girls' dorm.❞
`Masato@❝Not even Rin.❞
`Masato@❝Well, Kyousuke might know somehow.❞
`Kyousuke@❝I don't know what Rin does either.❞
`Masato@❝That so.❞
Masato shrugged.
`Masato@❝If it's about what the girls do, ask the girls.❞
`Masato@❝Just like if it's about muscles, you'd ask me.❞
`Riki@❝...I get it.❞
I agreed without thinking.
`Riki@❝You're absolutely right.❞
`Masato@❝Of course.❞
`Riki@❝Thanks, Masato.❞
`Masato@❝Sure.❞
Masato started chowing down on his hamburger like an animal.
Ask the girls, huh...
`Riki@(Okay, I'll ask Komari-san...)
I called Komari-san out via text.
`Riki@❝Komari-san. Sorry for calling you out.❞
`Komari@❝Riki-kun, what's wrong?❞
I jumped into it.
I wanted to know the story behind the metal fragment and machine part.
So I told her that.
She shook her head.
`Komari@❝I know they were important to Kuu-chan, but...❞
`Rin@❝So this is where you were, Komari-chan.❞
`Komari@❝Ah, Rin-chan.❞
`Rin@❝The teacher wanted to see you.❞
`Rin@❝Huh, Riki, what are you doing here?❞
`Riki@❝Rin, do you know anything about these?❞
I decided to ask Rin.
I showed her the metal fragment.
`Rin@❝Hmm?❞
She tilted her head.
`Rin@❝I don't know.❞
`Riki@❝I see...❞
`Rin@❝...Hmmm... hmmm?❞
She took the metal fragment and a thought seemed to cross her mind.
`Rin@❝Strelka.❞
She called her name and blew a whistle.
`Riki@❝What's with the whistle?❞
`Rin@❝I got it from Kud. This is nice, isn't it?❞
*Woof!*
Strelka appeared out of nowhere.
`Riki@❝So you called Strelka, but what for?❞
`Rin@❝Look, Riki.❞
She pointed to Strelka's collar.
[Стрелка.]
Strelka.
`Rin@❝It's similar.❞
[Стру...... цк... я.]
That's what was written on the metal fragment.
`Riki@❝Just the first three characters are the same...❞
`Riki@❝Hm...?❞
Using Strelka's name as a basis, I would guess that the first three characters are ❛STR.❜
Strelka means ❛Little Arrow❜ in Russian.
If that's the case, then this is probably Russian too.
`Rin@❝St... Str?❞
St. Str.
What comes next?
`Riki@❝......❞
`Riki@❝Strugackaja.❞
`Komari@❝Huh? What's Strugackaja?❞
I wasn't sure if it was okay to tell her, but since it's Komari-san, I probably didn't need to worry.
`Riki@❝It's Kud's other last name. Strugackaja.❞
`Komari@❝Oh yeah...❞
`Komari@❝Strugackaja... I see.❞
`Riki@❝...is it really okay for her to throw this out?❞
Komari-san and Rin gave me a long hard look.
`Riki@❝She can't throw this out.❞
`Komari@❝What are you going to do, Riki-kun?❞
`Riki@❝...I'll... tell her to hold onto it.❞
Though I'm not sure what that would accomplish.
I left them and went back to the school building.
...In the end, I wasn't able to learn anything more.
`Riki@(I want to know what the dog tag is all about...)
I got the feeling this was a very important object.
I wouldn't be able to convince Kud without understanding its significance first.
`Riki@(What should I do...)
Should I go to the library?
I'm not sure, but it's better than doing nothing.
I headed in that direction.
There was a piece of paper on the library computer.
[Out of order. Please don't turn on.]
Guess I can't use it...
I'll have to use books.
`Riki@❝...Huh?❞
The bookshelf was empty.
`Riki@❝Excuse me...❞
I tried asking one of the people nearby who looked like a library assistant.
`Library Assistant@❝Yes? Are you talking to me?❞
`Riki@❝I'm looking for a book that should be here...❞
`Library Assistant@❝Oh, we're taking inventory.❞
`Library Assistant@❝The board of directors has given us a special allowance...❞
`Library Assistant@❝...in order to dispose of books no one reads and replace them with new ones.❞
`Riki@❝Are you going through the entire library?❞
There was a mountain of books.
It would be difficult to find the book I needed in there.
First of all, I'd be getting in their way...
`Library Assistant@❝Just one section. The end of year inventory ends in March.❞
She suddenly went deep into thought.
`Riki@❝?❞
`Library Assistant@❝...There may be a book that could help you on another shelf.❞
`Library Assistant@❝I think.❞
`Riki@❝I see...❞
`Riki@❝...Where should I look?❞
In the linguistics section$dIn the science and engineering section
`Riki@❝That's right.❞
I'll look into the characters etched on the dog tag.
If I take what I heard from the others and what I already know,
I might be able to put it together and figure this out.
...These characters are Russian.
If that's the case, I should check a Russian dictionary.
I pulled out a heavy dictionary.
[Стру...... цк... я.]
That's what's on the dog tag.
The first character is apparently not the English ❛C❜.
The Russian C is equivalent to an English ❛S❜.
`Riki@❝......❞
I flipped through the index but couldn't find it.
`Riki@❝There are letters missing, so it's only natural that I can't find it...❞
The dictionary was also overflowing with lines of characters I didn't know how to read.
`Riki@(This is how I felt when I first started learning English...)
No, I at least had some exposure to English loanwords in Japanese.
But Russian is different.
I have no idea how to read the words.
As I flipped through the dictionary, I realized something.
`Riki@❝...This is probably how Kud felt.❞
It's this hard just to find one word.
English aside, she was living surrounded by other languages.
It's hard for me to even imagine how lonely that must have made her feel.
`Riki@❝I can't find it...❞
Maybe the other word?
[Ч... рну... ка.]
The first one looks like a ❛Y.❜
According to the pronunciation guide... it has the same sound as ❛ch.❜
`Riki@❝❛Чай.❜❞
That's read ❛Chai.❜
It means tea.
I looked through the entire [Ч] section.
.........
......
`Riki@❝...it's not here.❞
It's definitely not here, so maybe it's a form of some other word.
I read the explanation in the front of the dictionary.
Russian nouns have gender.
The [Чай] from earlier was a masculine noun.
❛Чайка （Chaika: seagull)❜ is a feminine noun.
`Riki@❝Hmm...❞
The ending was the same as on the dog tag.
Maybe it's a feminine noun too?
I felt like I was about to remember something... or rather, have an idea.
What was the origin of Kud's name?
Wasn't it...
`Riki@❝It was the normalized form of an adjective...❞
An adjective, huh?
I read through the [Ч] section again.
I focused only on adjectives.
My eyes hurt from looking at unfamiliar characters for so long.
But I kept turning the pages.
`Riki@❝...чёрный.❞
It looked similar.
[Chernyy]. An adjective that meant black.
There was a line that read ❛чёрная　икра.❜
It meant something like caviar.
❛икра❜ is pronounced ❛ikra.❜ It means roe.
Black roe, or caviar.
`Riki@❝Oh... so the Japanese word comes from Russian.❞
[Ч... рну... ка.]
[чёрный.]
`Riki@❝...black...❞
`Kud@❝Eating a lot of seaweed will turn my hair as black as my mother's.❞
`Kud@❝I used to believe so.❞
`Kud@❝If my hair is black... I may be less weird.❞
Kud's mother had black hair unlike Kud.
The feminine normalized form of black... did they force it so it would mean black-haired daughter?
If this is something Kud had treasured, it is possible.
The dog tag... and the machine part of unknown origin.
I'm going to assume these belonged to Kud's mother.
A lump of regrets.
Lingering feelings.
...The look on Kud's face when she threw them out.
`Riki@❝......❞
If my assumption is correct...
When I guessed Kud's true feelings, my chest tightened up.
I went to the natural sciences section.
The books there didn't get checked out often and were covered in dust.
`Riki@❝...Hm?❞
There was one section without dust.
I checked the category.
`Riki@❝Astronomy.❞
There was a line of books with clean spines.
Apparently someone had wiped the dust off.
I took one out and skimmed through it.
There was a page with a sticky note on it.
❛The world is the cradle of the mind, but we cannot live forever in a cradle.❜
❛Kuradore? Cradle, warudo, forever, can't live.❜
`Riki@❝...this is Kud's handwriting.❞
This is new too.
There was something on the corner of the page with the sticky note.
Drops of water had fallen there. It was wrinkled.
`Riki@❝......❞
I closed the book.
In the engineering section, the aerospace engineering books were much the same.
There were fewer of them than in astronomy.
And all were clean of dust.
They weren't specialized technical manuals, but they were still beyond me.
There were math and physics symbols all over the place.
I probably had nothing to gain by looking at them.
I went back to the astronomy section.
I grabbed a book titled ❛A History of Space Development.❜
It was the book that had the sticky note in it.
`Riki@❝After World War II, space research and development ramped up significantly...❞
`Riki@❝...as space became one of the key battlefields of the Cold War.❞
It said the first to launch an artificial satellite was the USSR a.k.a. the Soviet Union.
A country that no longer exists.
They launched an artificial satellite known as Sputnik.
`Riki@(...Haven't I heard this before?)
There were dogs aboard the artificial satellite.
`Riki@❝Dogs...❞
...Altogether, the Soviet Union sent thirteen dogs to space.
None of them returned safely.
They weren't allowed to come back. They couldn't come back.
There was a list of the dogs that were sacrificed in the early stages of space development...
There was also a list of dogs that did return.
`Riki@❝Strelka and Belka...❞
Strelka and Belka's names probably have something to do with this.
My gaze stopped on one name in particular.
[Чернушка (Chernushka).]
I pulled out the dog tag.
[Ч... рну... ка.]
`Riki@❝This is it.❞
There are missing letters so there's a chance I'm wrong.
But Strelka and Belka are listed here, so it would be too much of a coincidence.
It meant ❛Blackie❜ in English.
It seemed to mean ❛black-haired daughter.❜
`Kud@❝Eating a lot of seaweed will turn my hair as black as my mother's.❞
`Kud@❝I used to believe so.❞
`Kud@❝If my hair is black... I may be less weird.❞
Unlike Kud, her mother had black hair.
These were things Kud had treasured.
The dog tag... and the machine part of unknown origin.
I'm going to assume these belonged to Kud's mother.
A lump of regrets.
Lingering feelings.
...The look on Kud's face when she threw them out.
`Riki@❝......❞
If my assumption is correct...
When I guessed Kud's true feelings, my chest tightened up.
`Kud@❝Good morning...❞
Kud made it to class just in time.
The noisy morning classroom drowned out her greeting.
She was still feeling down.
`Teacher@❝Class is starting.❞
First period started.
Before I could say anything to her, classes had already come to an end.
I made up my mind and called out to Kud.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Kud@❝......❞
She was hanging her head and holding her textbooks close to her chest.
`Kud@❝...? Riki.❞
`Kud@❝Is something the matter?❞
`Riki@❝N-no, but um...❞
`Riki@❝...Cheer up.❞
...That's all I could say.
I had so many things I wanted to say, but when I looked at Kud's face, none of them would come out.
`Kud@❝Thank you, Riki.❞
We left the classroom together.
We walked in silence.
`Kud@❝...Riki?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah, what is it, Kud?❞
`Kud@❝I'm... going to the shopping district...❞
`Riki@❝...oh.❞
`Riki@❝Is it okay if I come?❞
`Kud@❝...Yes.❞
She gave a slight nod.
She wanted to visit the bookstore.
I watched her disappear inside without a word.
I'd tagged along, but I wasn't going to buy any books.
I had nothing else to do, so I just waited at the entrance.
`Riki@(She's still in there...)
Did something happen?
I checked the time on my cellphone.
It had been more than 30 minutes since she'd gone in.
I was hesitant, but decided to look for her.
She was in the natural sciences section.
She was vacantly staring at the shelf.
She was holding a few books and just staring at the shelf.
`Riki@❝Kud?❞
`Kud@❝!?❞
She recoiled in surprise.
`Kud@❝R-Riki...❞
`Kud@❝W-what's wrong?❞
`Riki@❝Nothing. You were taking a while, so I was worried...❞
I looked at the books she was holding.
❛How to Teach Japanese,❜ ❛The Basics of Language,❜ ❛A Brief History of the Japanese Language❜...
`Kud@❝I-It's nothing.❞
`Kud@❝I'm just a little light-headed...❞
`Riki@❝Are you okay?❞
`Kud@❝Y-Yes, I'm fine.❞
`Riki@❝What are those books?❞
`Kud@❝Ah, well, a-actually, I'm interested in being a teacher.❞
`Riki@❝A teacher? At a school?❞
`Kud@❝Yes. Because I'm not good in school.❞
`Kud@❝I think I can be the kind of teacher who understands how students who are bad at studying feel.❞
`Kud@❝I was so happy that everyone helped me with that test.❞
`Kud@❝I think it'd be great if I could do the same thing for someone else.❞
`Kud@❝B-But I'm no good at English, so I thought I'd try something I'm good at like Japanese.❞
`Kud@❝I came here to look for books on it.❞
She was talking really fast.
`Riki@❝......❞
`Kud@❝T-That's why I was taking so long picking the books.❞
`Kud@❝Well, let's go to the cashier.❞
`Kud@❝W-Wa...❞
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
As she started to walk, the books started to fall out of her arms.
She tried to hold on to them but lost her balance.
*Thump!*
The books fell.
`Kud@❝S-Sorry...❞
We started picking them up.
`Riki@❝...?❞
`Kud@❝Ah...❞
My eyes stopped on one particular book.
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
The book's title was...
❝Theories on New Raw Materials and Fuel Tank Design.❞
Amongst all the teaching books scattered on the floor, that book was out of place.
It was a thick hardcover that looked heavy.
The page it had fallen open to had rows after rows of symbols and formulas on it.
The characters were so tightly packed together, they looked like they could start spilling out of the page any second.
`Kud@❝......❞
She turned away and cast her eyes down.
I couldn't see her expression from where I was.
Her hand was stretched out and laid limp on the floor.
One of her fingers suddenly hooked onto mine.
It was trembling.
...It was pitiful.
I was so frustrated that I wanted to tear the heart from my chest.
`Riki@(What am I doing?)
Kud was so determined to put on a brave face that she had even lied to me.
Her smiling face.
Her trembling hand.
`Riki@(...Honestly, what am I doing...)
Still kneeling on the floor, I looked at the shelves.
There were science magazines lined up.
...I wonder if they're from before the accident.
One had a picture of a rocket and the word ❛Tevua❜ on it.
Kud's eyes were glued to it.
`Kud@❝......❞
We left the store with an awkward air between us.
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
`Riki@❝About earlier...❞
I started talking.
But Kud didn't turn toward me.
She was looking down, staring at her own shadow.
`Kud@❝I'm sorry.❞
`Kud@❝Riki, I'm sorry.❞
That was all she said before she ran off to the girls' dorm.
I couldn't follow her.
`Riki@(I didn't take just her smile away from her... I also took her dream.)
I may have taken everything she had from her.
She told me such a lie, even though she had told me what her dream was over and over.
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
That kind of result, that kind of reality... it's like someone is telling me,
❛Step on whatever you need to achieve your goals... even if those things are important or valuable to others..❜
It was painful.
Why did things turn out like this?
We weren't even wishing for anything crazy.
All we were doing was praying for our tiny, modest dreams to come true.
And yet, it is precisely because of that that our dreams are dashed by the most trifling things.
`Riki@(And I'm the one.)
The one who has been crushing their dreams.
I'm probably crushing people's wishes and dreams without even realizing it.
Their desires.
Their prayers.
Their hopes... I'm destroying theirs to further mine.
What is it I wanted... so bad... that I drove Kud to lie to me?
I grasped the dog tag in my pocket.
I wanted to tell her not to throw this away.
But she had chosen a different path by throwing it out.
Shouldn't I acknowledge that?
`Riki@(...No. That's wrong. There's something wrong...)
Something was wrong, but I couldn't put it in words.
I shook my head.
I heard the pamphlet for the field trip was to be handed out soon.
I wasn't able to get into it, even though just preparing for the trip should have been fun.
Nothing had changed.
...Except that Kud had lost her smile.
Nothing. Had. Changed.
It was a day off.
I was sitting on a bench and staring at the dog tag and machine part in my hand.
`Riki@❝Kud?❞
I felt Kud pass through my line of sight.
She was wearing her street clothes, which I didn't see very often.
She seemed to be headed for the school gate.
I was suddenly struck with a sense of unease.
Where did it come from?
It was a lot like the feeling you get when something is going somewhere far away.
I was about to call out to her to stop.
She disappeared just then.
`Riki@❝......❞
I sent her a text.
`Riki@❝......❞
No reply came.
I called her.
...She didn't answer.
`Riki@❝Kud...❞
My sense of unease was getting stronger.
She wouldn't answer her phone.
That made me feel very uneasy.
I didn't know why. Just that I had a bad feeling.
I gripped the dog tag and machine part and started running.
Kud was standing in front of the school gate.
She was in street clothes, but there was no mistaking that flax colored hair.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
`Kud@❝...What's wrong, Riki?❞
`Riki@❝Haa... haa... that's... my line.❞
`Riki@❝Kud, I... tried, calling you.❞
`Riki@❝You didn't answer... what's up?❞
`Kud@❝Sorry, Riki.❞
`Kud@❝I cancelled my cellphone.❞
`Riki@❝...Why?❞
She spun around to face me.
She stood there expressionlessly.
Her hat and cloak were covered with mud and machine oil.
She seemed to be smiling and not at the same time.
`Kud@❝No particular reason. I just did.❞
`Riki@❝...Kud.❞
`Riki@❝Why's... your hat dirty?❞
There were things I'd rather have said, but what came out of my mouth was trivial.
`Kud@❝...That's because...❞
`Kud@❝......❞
She hesitated for a second.
`Kud@❝...Mother wore it out.❞
`Kud@❝It's an official military hat.❞
`Kud@❝The first things that I got from Mother were the hat and cloak... and they were dirty.❞
`Kud@❝...That's why I kept them that way.❞
`Kud@❝They're stained with Mother's hard work... so I didn't want to wash them.❞
The cloak was fluttering in the wind.
My unease was getting steadily deeper.
We fell into silence.
Kud seemed to be looking somewhere far away.
Like she was staring at something that I couldn't see.
I swallowed the saliva in my mouth.
I was unconsciously squeezing my hand tight.
I confirmed what was in my hand.
I made up my mind and spoke.
`Riki@❝What... are these?❞
`Riki@❝What are they?❞
I showed her the dog tag and machine part.
`Kud@❝...Riki, those are...❞
`Riki@❝Sorry. I opened the box.❞
`Riki@❝I had a feeling that they were something you shouldn't be throwing out.❞
`Kud@❝...I can't keep those.❞
`Kud@❝Those are what remain of my ❛feelings❜...❞
`Kud@❝I can't keep them.❞
`Kud@❝I don't have the right to...❞
She responded quietly.
`Riki@❝...Your mother's things,❞
`Riki@❝And your dreams of going to space... You're throwing them all away?❞
`Kud@❝...yes.❞
`Kud@❝Because I can't keep them.❞
`Riki@❝Who decided that you can't?❞
`Kud@❝...I did.❞
`Kud@❝I made my decision on my own.❞
`Riki@❝Kud, you can't...❞
`Kud@❝You told me to decide for myself.❞
`Riki@❝...!❞
I certainly did say that.
Instead of telling her whether to go back or not, I told her that.
She cast my own words into my teeth.
Because of that, I didn't know what to say.
She looked straight through me.
Why?
She was right in front of me, but she felt so far away.
We were so close, but it was like we were separated by a great distance.
Words floated into my mind... ❛your feelings will get across no matter where you are.❜
But Kud, who was right in front of me, felt further away than anything else in the world.
I tried to say something.
I tried to move my legs.
But I couldn't move, as if I were wrapped in chains.
`Kud@❝Riki.❞
`Kud@❝Please throw them away.❞
`Kud@❝The machine part... was from Mother's rocket...❞
`Kud@❝...A fragment of the test model.❞
The way she spoke resembled moaning.
Like she was desperately trying to come up with excuses.
The way she was talking made everything sound like a lie.
`Kud@❝Mother knew about my dream... and gave it to me...❞
`Kud@❝A fragment... of my dream... a lump of regrets... that represent my selfishness...❞
`Kud@❝That's why... I can't keep them...❞
She was saying she wanted to throw them away.
She'd decided.
Should I....
...accept her decision like last time?
No. No. No.
The voice in my heart refused.
`Riki@❝You were throwing away... your dream...?❞
`Kud@❝Yes. I've already thrown it all away.❞
`Kud@❝You were there.❞
`Kud@❝So it's okay. It's okay now.❞
`Kud@❝I don't need ❛those❜ anymore.❞
`Kud@❝Would you mind... throwing ❛those❜ away too?❞
`Riki@❝...No.❞
`Kud@❝...What?❞
`Riki@❝I won't do it.❞
`Kud@❝B-but, Riki...❞
`Riki@❝You're lying when you say you want to throw them away.❞
`Riki@❝That's not what you want.❞
`Kud@❝...Riki...❞
`Riki@❝Like in the bookstore.❞
`Riki@❝What you want to do... The dream you described; is what you told me in the bookstore what you really want?❞
Had she already completely given up?
No.
Her stopping in front of that bookshelf, she definitely hadn't given up.
That thick book was about rockets... that's why she wanted to hide it from me.
She hadn't decided.
She was just pretending she'd decided.
Her not going back.
That was her throwing away the option of seeing her family.
Her letting go of the metal fragment and her things related to space.
That was her throwing away her dreams and feelings.
――I agreed to the former, so why was I refusing the latter?
What physical trinkets she threw away was besides the point.
You have to decide.
Decide and own up to it.
That's strength.
It's strength that we must obtain.
And Kud hadn't yet decided.
`Kud@❝...Yeah. I shouldn't be so selfish.❞
`Kud@❝When it comes to my dream...❞
`Kud@❝My dream...❞
Her voice lost all its power.
――After all, she hadn't completely given up on her dream.
She couldn't even convince herself.
That's why she couldn't let go.
She hadn't made up her mind.
`Riki@❝...Just throwing things away isn't strength.❞
I forced the words out.
`Riki@❝If you keep leaving things behind... when you are done, will you be able to smile?❞
`Riki@❝You seem to think that you've forsaken your family.❞
`Riki@❝But don't you think perhaps your family regrets leaving you by yourself as well?❞
`Riki@❝When you throw away your family and dreams,❞
`Riki@❝That means you are choosing to be alone.❞
`Riki@❝You're saying you don't need those connections.❞
`Riki@❝Don't you find that sad?❞
`Riki@❝So don't throw them away.❞
`Riki@❝Do you want to be alone?❞
`Riki@❝Do you want to be apart from everyone and all alone?❞
Those words made her stiffen up.
`Kud@❝...That's...❞
`Riki@❝Will that lead to you smiling?❞
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
`Riki@❝It's hard to be alone. It hurts not being connected to anyone or anywhere.❞
As I spoke, my feelings gradually took shape.
`Kud@❝Please stop...❞
Her tone was heartbroken.
But I continued anyway.
I wanted to get through to her.
`Riki@❝You were laughed at for not being able to speak English.❞
`Riki@❝No matter how well you can speak Japanese, or how much you know about Japan, the people around you don't see it.❞
The things we touched and experienced every day.
Kud felt no connection to them.
`Riki@❝You told me about your time in Tevua. Didn't you say you were lonely because you couldn't speak any other languages?❞
Even in her hometown she felt like an outsider.
`Kud@❝Riki, please stop...❞
`Riki@❝You regret running away from your mother for asking you to be a gear.❞
`Riki@❝You thought that running from those expectations meant you were cutting ties with her, right?❞
Kud had nowhere she belonged.
No country.
No town.
And for her, who thought she'd failed to live up to her family's expectations,
she believed she didn't even have a place amongst her family.
Solitary ❛Kudryavka.❜
All alone, like the dog that was launched into space.
Dealing with everything alone.
Somewhere no one can see.
Somewhere no one knows.
――All alone.
Is that the only place where she can fulfill her desires and find her salvation?
`Kud@❝Stop... Riki...❞
`Kud@❝Stop... stop...❞
But, in the end, what is it Kud wants?
`Riki@❝If you don't need any connections with anyone, then why did I have to say that good-luck charm... why did we do that ritual together?❞
The reason she didn't go back was because of her feelings for me.
The thing that Kud, who had no place to belong and no connections, wanted was me.
She trusted my feelings and decided not to go back.
That was what I believed.
――But Kud was now saying she didn't want connections anymore.
That was...
`Riki@❝Don't you trust me?❞
`Kud@❝!❞
If she trusts me, then we are connected.
Which means we aren't connected if she doesn't.
`Kud@❝O-of course I do!❞
She shook her head.
`Riki@❝Then don't make me throw these out.❞
I had said that good-luck charm to her, but if I throw her feelings away now...
...then it's as if we had never shared that good-luck charm together.
――That's why she was saying she didn't need connections anymore.
`Riki@❝If we throw these away together, it's over...❞
`Riki@❝I won't do it.❞
I won't do something like that.
Making me sever the connection... it's like making me forsake her.
Even if the girl who says she loves me claims that's her ❛desire,❜
I don't believe that's her true desire... or decision.
`Riki@❝You haven't decided.❞
`Kud@❝...I have.❞
`Kud@❝I've made my decision.❞
`Kud@❝If I do this... if I throw out my ❛feelings❜...❞
`Kud@❝I thought I could accept it... that I've had enough...❞
`Riki@❝Are feelings something you can throw out?❞
`Riki@❝Are feelings of regret something you can throw out?❞
`Riki@❝You can't just throw away your ability to feel regret, can you?❞
`Riki@❝...You can't throw out your feelings of regret.❞
`Riki@❝Your decision to throw that away...❞
`Riki@❝...isn't a real decision.❞
`Kud@❝Riki... but that's...❞
`Kud@❝Why... why are you saying this...❞
`Kud@❝Why are you ❛always❜ trying to give them back?❞
`Kud@❝......❞
`Kud@❝I have so many regrets!❞
`Kud@❝I have nothing but regrets... because I'm stubborn.❞
`Kud@❝I threw them out... so why do you keep trying to give them back to me.❞
`Riki@❝Because the girl I love is saying she wants to be alone...❞
If she reached out, she'd find me right there.
Even so, it was like she was trying to pull away.
Like she was punishing herself.
I don't think she needs to do that.
Maybe if――
If there was no evil in the world.
If it was the kind of world Kud wished for.
Would anyone want to punish her?
There's no way anyone would want that.
Not even Kud herself.
`Riki@❝I'm right here...❞
`Riki@❝But it's like you're chained up in a prison,❞
`Riki@❝All alone, where I can't reach you.❞
`Riki@❝How do I get through to you...!❞
What...?
Why did I just say that...?
But it was a really strong image.
Like what she wanted was to be alone in a place like that.
If what she wanted was to go to a place like that, I wanted to offer her my hand.
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
`Riki@❝That's why you can't throw these out.❞
`Riki@❝You say you have a lump of regrets.❞
`Riki@❝You say these are a fragment of your dream.❞
`Riki@❝Those are feelings that came from within you.❞
`Riki@❝That's why you have to keep them.❞
`Riki@❝You can't throw them out and forget.❞
`Riki@❝You need to remember.❞
Even if it's hard, even if it hurts...
We mustn't forget.
That's all helpless people like us can do.
Holding onto bitter regrets and still maintaining a heart that can offer a hand and support others.
Doing that sort of thing is terribly difficult for us.
`Kud@❝...I can't... throw out my feelings...❞
I held out my hand.
There is no distance further than the one between two people.
Whether they're right next to each other.
Or separated by an ocean.
It's the same.
Our hearts are always far apart.
Even so, I held out my hand.
I held it out to tell her to take it.
But that wasn't obvious.
For Kud, who had no one she felt connected to, it wasn't natural.
It's natural, but not for her, so I held out my hand.
I had offered her my hand.
I thought it was a miracle when she reached out and took it.
For someone who was all alone, that was truly a miraculous event.
――And who would that be?――
I smiled.
Not everything would be fun.
Many things would be difficult.
More than we could count.
Not everything would be happy.
Many things would be painful.
More than we could count.
Evil probably does exist out in the world.
Probably not just good.
But we could live through it somehow because we would have the warmth of each other's hands.
That's why I held out my hand.
I wanted her to know that. I wanted to show her my feelings. So I held out my hand.
Kud wanted it too.
What Kud, who had known the same loneliness I had, wanted was to take that hand.
To be connected to the one she loved; that was her only wish.
`Riki@❝Kud.❞
She didn't reject me.
Soundlessly, like a wall had come down, I felt her warmth.
She took them from me.
She held the dog tag and machine part in her hand.
She gripped them tightly and spoke.
`Kud@❝...Even though I threw them out,❞
`Kud@❝They came back to me in the end.❞
`Kud@❝Because you were ❛always❜ there to give them to me.❞
`Kud@❝I had to take them.❞
`Kud@❝Even though I hid my feelings.❞
`Kud@❝Even though I was weak and even lied...❞
`Kud@❝You always did what I hoped you would.❞
`Kud@❝It makes me think...❞
`Kud@❝...you really...❞
`Kud@❝...are the person that I love.❞
`Kud@❝It makes me think...❞
`Kud@❝'...I don't want to let go anymore.'❞
`Kud@❝It makes me think... I don't want to part ways with you...❞
`Kud@❝...even though I had figured...❞
`Kud@❝...that I would just say nothing and carry on...'❞
She smiled through the tears.
`Riki@❝Let's go find everyone, then...❞
`Riki@❝We'll talk about your dreams. Your mother.❞
`Riki@❝English. And your country's good-luck charms.❞
`Kud@❝......❞
She was crying and smiling.
A day would probably come when she stops crying over her regret of not going too.
I wanted to be with her, holding her hand, until that day came.
Even if we sometimes cry and feel sad, we will certainly find times to smile too.
I believed that the place where everyone was, was the place we could come home to.
`Kud@❝Riki...❞
She spoke with a tearful voice.
`Kud@❝...When I ❛go back❜...❞
`Kud@❝There's something I need to see.❞
`Kud@❝Will you go see it with me?❞
`Riki@❝Yeah, sure.❞
`Riki@❝What is it?❞
`Kud@❝Well...❞
Her voice had a faint hint of cheer.
There were tears on her smiling face.
That, I thought, really was the smile I so cherished.