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Assistant: Title: stranger sunlight, still
        Author: mmtion mmtion 
        Chapter: 2/4 
        Summary: When the 118 find out about Buck’s secret thirst account on Instagram – to raise fire safety awareness, obviously – they make fun of him the appropriate amount and move on. Eddie, who has had some recent and birthmark-shaped revelations about his feelings, finds it a little harder to do the same. Of course, Eddie would never invade Buck’s privacy by searching for and finding the anonymous account. Or looking at all the uploaded photos late at night. Or even directly messaging Buck’s secret account. That would be weird, because he’s certainly not planning on doing anything about his newfound attraction. However, anonymous account @elbombero118 has no such limitations.
        Contents: Chapter 2
    

    


  

  
  
    
    Buck stays over, and Christopher is, as predicted, absolutely delighted to have him there for breakfast and the school run. It’s Eddie’s turn to pick up one of Christopher’s classmates along the way, Ollie, who is equally mesmerised by Buck in the front passenger seat. While Buck is telling them a story about parasitic worms (Ollie’s mom is going to love Eddie when Ollie gets home tonight), Eddie glances in the rear-view mirror to see two matching pairs of starstruck eyes in the backseat.When they walk the two boys to the school entrance, Buck gives Christopher a squeezing hug, which Christopher returns with equal force. Then, obviously, Ollie holds out his arms for a hug too, after seeing how talented Buck is at giving them.(Listen. Eddie would also make insistent claw-hands with his hands if it meant Buck would hug him upon demand; Eddie does not blame Ollie at all.)Buck watches the kids disappear to school. He turns to Eddie with a smile a hint too bashful for Eddie’s liking, and says, “Thanks for letting me tag along.”Eddie raps his knuckles against the meat of Buck’s arm. “Who said anything about tagging along? Now poor Mrs Dagenham is going to have two kids in her classroom talking about their beloved Buck. ‘Did you know Buck did this and Buck said that?’”Buck ducks his chin. “I think you’re exaggerating.”“I wish,” assures Eddie as they walk back towards the car. “I have a school report somewhere in the attic that says about how clever Christopher is, if only he’d listen to his teachers in class rather than repeating what his friend Buck said at home.”Unsuccessfully, Buck tries to hide his pleased grin by rubbing his palm over his jaw as Eddie starts up the truck.Eddie, selfishly, doesn’t want to leave Buck just yet. Not only because Eddie wants Buck in his personal space probably ninety per cent of the time, but also because something about Buck still seems a little bruised, if healing. “Speaking of tagging along, though – you want to come help me do the grocery shopping?”Buck looks unimpressed, like he can see straight through any casualness Eddie attempted. To be fair, he probably can. Sometimes Eddie feels like a glass pane when Buck looks at him, hot from morning sunlight.“Come on,” Eddie wheedles. “You always find the best offers.”“I just look for the red stickers, Eddie. It’s not exactly a talent.”“Maybe I just want the company, then.” Eddie drives right, in the direction of the larger supermarket. “We’ll make a game of it – I bet you can survive five whole minutes before you start eating the fruit you’ve just put in the basket.”Buck looks like he’d pinch Eddie’s sides if Eddie didn’t have the protection of driving. “You suck.”(It turns out Eddie would’ve lost that bet, because Buck puts a bag of grapes into their shopping trolley and then immediately starts snacking from them by the time they’ve reached the oranges.)They split up temporarily, about halfway through Eddie’s list: Eddie needs to examine laundry detergent options, but he also needs Buck to pick out whatever frozen fruit he wants for the next time he stays over and makes them all protein smoothies.It’s when he’s staring at bio and non-bio options that he feels a tell-tale buzz in his pocket. He fishes out his phone, expecting it to be a message from Buck. And, well – technically it is. 
  (1) direct message

   

  @firehoseLA: hey I just wanted to say that im feeling much better 2day@firehoseLA: like, in case u were worried.

   
Eddie flings whatever laundry detergent is in his hand into the trolley so he has both hands free to type. He has to be fast, before Buck turns the corner and puts the pieces together. 
  @elbombero118: I’m really glad to hear that. @elbombero118: I was worried. So, thanks for keeping me updated. 

  @firehoseLA: i went to go see the kid i was talking about. he’s the best. this morning he gave me an alligator drawing when his dad was getting ready. he’s been making loads of them recently, but then he said this was his best one because it was based on the alligators we saw at the zoo. So he wanted me 2 have it.@firehoseLA: I don’t think he even knew I was upset, he’s just the best@firehoseLA: or maybe he did. he’s intuitive like that 

  @elbombero118: He sounds like a great kid. @elbomber118: Also sounds like he loves you a lot.  

  @firehoseLA: yh, I got pretty lucky i think. I love him a lot 2.  

   
And Eddie is feeling too much of something. He has to dispel it somehow, aware of the farce of typing this out barely ten feet from the person he’s typing to. 
  @elbombero118: Did you know that alligators can use lures to trap birds? They balance sticks on their head to imitate a nest. 

  @firehoseLA: I did kno that!! isn’t it cool? theyre so important for the ecosystem. U kno they create holes that other creatures make into their habitat? 

  @elbombero118: That’s really interesting. I was always terrified of them as a kid. 

  @firehoseLA: did u grow up near some? they’re terrifying up close. and they move faster than people think 

  @elbombero118: Not at all. I think it was the same fear of quicksand and cursed skulls. I had a cousin in Florida and I would kick up a fuss if we went to visit him over summer. 

  @firehoseLA: I had the same thing about snakes coming up from the toilet. 

  @elbombero118: Sorry. What? That is not the same thing. 

  @firehoseLA: ok ok ok??? listen! so after I watched teenage ninja turtles for the first time I thought all reptiles grew like 5 ft in the sewers, and then one of my school friends said when his snake died they flushed it down the toilet. so for a week I was terrified to p@@p in case the snake came out to get its revenge. 

  @elbombero118: But it was dead. Even if the sewers were making all creatures grow in size and sentience – a dead snake can’t grow anything. It’s dead.  

  @firehoseLA: i read a lot of comic books as a seven-year-old ok I didn’t have a strong handle on mortality

  @elbombero118: Okay. So tell me you’re not still checking the toilet for snakes before you p@@p. 

  @firehoseLA: u can’t prove anything, stranger

  @elbombero118: At least I’ve actually seen quicksand in real life. My childhood fears were completely logical. 

  @firehoseLA: u think snakes in toilets isn’t logical??? Ohhhh google is gonna prove u so wrong. Just u wait. 

  @elbombero118: You can’t trust everything you read on the internet. For example, people’s username innuendos might be misleading.  

   
Grinning, Eddie puts his phone away, ignores the buzz of the reply, and steers the trolley to go find Buck – the real one. - 
  @firehoseLA: 
  
    ‘How Likely Is It That I’ll Find A Snake in My Toilet Bowl?’
  

  @elbombero118: That’s Australia it doesn’t count. 

  @firehoseLA: 
  
    Texas Man Finds a Snake in his Toilet!
  

  @elbombero118: That’s Texas it doesn’t count.

  @firehoseLA: ur impossible to please. also the innuendo is supposed to be an exaggeration. @firehoseLA: And I didn’t even come up with the innuendo okay it was a girl I was with@firehoseLA: u know what I don’t have to prove anything to u so whatever. 

  @elbombero118: Uh huh. 

   

  -

   
It’s ridiculous that Eddie keeps the conversation going as @elbombero118.  He’s well aware of that fact, don’t worry about it.It doesn’t stop at alligators, somehow, instead continuing onto other urban legends and folklore, and then how different states have different superstitions, and then a discussion about whether it's more or less polite to wear shoes inside someone’s house.It’s ridiculous, but also not entirely unexpected. Because it’s the easiest thing in the world, talking to Buck, easier than breathing sometimes. Of course, it would be easy talking to him even as a stranger. That’s just who Buck is – sincere and welcoming and interesting.But all that means is that Eddie is, quite literally, talking to Buck all the time. They’re either at work together, or Buck is coming to hang out with Eddie and/or Christopher, or they’re messaging each other as themselves or as their Instagram alter egos, or Eddie is asleep.And even the latter isn’t safe, as Eddie soon finds out.He wakes up gasping as his alarm rings beside him, a twinkling ‘starlight’ theme that Buck programmed after he researched the best sounds for waking up PTSD sufferers.There’s the tail end of a dream on Eddie’s tongue, something at once sticky and safe too, so close that he thinks he could still imagine the taste if he closed his eyes. He was dreaming of skin, so much of it, and massive thighs over his lap, and Eddie’s own hands stroking those thighs with heady reverence, feeling the hair underneath and the heat of him too. Eddie’s hands stroking up, towards –Eddie throws off the covers and makes for the shower. He turns the water cold and wills his active imagination away, wills it to soften between his legs. He rubs over his face, the cold water bringing alertness, and then inevitable shame too.This isn’t the first dream Eddie’s woken up hard from, nor the first one that he’s felt guilty from. Most importantly, it isn’t the first one featuring Buck.Buck, hazy but unmistakeable, with huge hands and broad shoulders and legs for f@ck@ng miles. Smiling down at him, panting with the same lack of volume control he exhibits everywhere else. On top of Eddie, behind him, below him, surrounding him. Golden eyelashes, and protruding nose, and cheeks that Eddie imagines going prettily pink from exertion-Eddie grips his own hair taut in self-punishment.He needs to stop. He needs this crush to get over itself so he can go back to having Buck as a normal friend. It’s just because he’s on this stupid queer journey or whatever the blogs call it, and his mind has latched onto Buck as someone who is, you know, objectively the most gorgeous man to walk the planet and also his best friend. It’s an overactive mind. And, again, he needs to make it stop.And then Eddie walks into the firehouse, sees Buck halfway through his morning pull-up sets, and promptly walks into the fire truck.“Eddie?”Eddie is groaning from the pain, his forehead having smacked into the open door. “Who the f@ck left that out?” he says, even though it comes out something like ‘o t’ fu leff ow’ due to the way he’s clutching his now very sore nose.“Eddie,” says Buck again, now in front of him and sounding like he’s desperately trying not to laugh. “Did you- um. Did you walk into-”And then he breaks off into pealing laughter. Eddie peeks one eye open to see Buck, barely a foot in front of him, bent over double and laughing so hard he might pull something. Eddie can’t help it, starts laughing too, around the admission of: “I guess I did, yeah.”  “Come on,” says Buck, slinging an arm over Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie tries to not catalogue the weight of it. “I’ll make you a coffee. Did you not have one this morning?”“No,” Eddie lies. “That must be it.”So, this is Eddie’s life, now. Buck in the nighttime, Buck in the daytime, Buck in his subconscious and Buck in his DMs.He tries, at the very least, to be professional when they’re on call-outs.This time, they’re out for some missing hikers, who turn out to be less missing per say and more fallen down a cliff edge. At this point, Eddie is willing himself to walk all the LA hiking trails and stick up signs of his own to get people to stay on the d@mn paths.Lucy and Ravi volunteer to rappel down, one for each hiker, which naturally leaves Buck and Eddie to mind the winches up top.“Oh my god,” Eddie realises as Ravi and Lucy go abseiling over the side. He smacks his hand against Buck's shoulder, ignoring his theatrical ‘ouch.’ “Dude, are we not the reckless ones anymore?”Buck frowns. “No, that’s not…” He slowly looks down at the winch he’s manning, and then at the cliff edge where the ropes snap over. Horror dawns over his face. “Oh my god. Bobby. Bobby! I need a helicopter to parachute out of right now!”“We’re old,” Eddie mourns beside him.“I’m sure you can share the near-death experiences out,” Bobby says, rolling his eyes. “Let the kids have a turn.”“Yeah,” Chimney smacks his gum. “Hey, I’ll trade you a terrorist shooting for a jealous-ex stabbing.”“Deal,” Eddie says, ignoring Buck’s spluttering protests. “It’ll be good for Frank to switch up the trauma a bit. Gotta keep him vigilant.”“Can we focus up?” Bobby interjects. “Not that I don’t appreciate your existentialism, but we are trying to save lives, here.”“Yes, Cap,” the three of them chorus obediently.Lucy and Ravi pull the climbers up without much difficulty, especially with Eddie and Buck managing the winches. One has a concussion, sluggishly bleeding from a head wound at her temple, and Hen quickly comes over to her to check everything out. Meanwhile, the other, a guy who Lucy unstraps from herself so he can stand on his own, seems to be fine.“Thank y’all so much,” he says, strong Texan drawl coming through loud and clear. “I thought we were gone for!”“These things happen,” says Lucy. “But maybe stick to the laid-out hiking paths next time?”“Come here, let me double check you over.” Chimney’s already pulling his med kit out and coming over.“So, you’re the one who pulled me up,” says the man, ignoring the flashlight Chimney flickers over his eyes in favour of staring at Buck.“Actually,” tries Eddie, because he was the one in charge of Lucy’s line, but the man continues.“Thank you so much,” the man continues, eyes only for Buck. Eddie realises pretty quickly where this is going, the same way most people go when confronted with heroic Buck in a tight short-sleeve shirt, and so Eddie focuses on winding up his rope rather than have to witness it. “What’s your name? I need to know who saved my life.”“You were, like, seven feet down,” Chimney points out. “You probably could’ve climbed up yourself with a little effort."“And I’m the one who carried you up,” adds Lucy.The man seems to not hear a word of it. Eddie hopes he doesn’t look as starstruck when he’s looking at Buck. “I’m Spencer.”“I’m Buck,” says Buck, as cheerful as ever. “But really, it’s always a team effort on these calls. And you should really be paying more attention to Chimney, our paramedic, so he can check you out.”“I’d really prefer you to check me out,” Spencer replies. “I’m busy enough checking you out, after all.”Lucy lets out a groan, having finally shucked her harness. “You walked into that one, Buckley.”Buck finally starts to go a little pink, starting at his ears and climbing over his cheekbones. “Uh.”Chimney turns off his flashlight and steps back. “You’re fine, seems like. No brain injury to speak of.”“Being obsessed with Buck doesn’t count as one?” Lucy teases. Eddie thinks, after the past few months, that it probably should. He certainly feels like he needs medical attention at this point, at least.Chimney snorts. “Then we’d have to send most of Instagram to the hospital.”“That’s your name? Buck?” Spencer asks eagerly. “What was that about an Instagram account?”Buck scratches the back of his neck. “Oh. Well, I have an anonymous account where I try and raise awareness about emergency situations and advice.”Spencer’s eyes widen. “You- um. Excuse me, but I have to ask. Do you post pictures of yourself on there?”“Of course,” says Buck. “You know, I’ve actually found it a really good tool for spreading the word-”“Sorry, sorry.” Spencer plasters his hands together as if in a prayer, and then rests that against his chin before trying again. “But on this account, do you post shirtless photos of yourself?”Buck shrugs, unabashed. “Sure.”Spencer swallows. “Right.” He seems to pause for a moment, and then he says, “If I had a concussion, and the only way to save me was to write down your Instagram account handle on my forehead, would you?”Buck takes a moment to answer. “Um. That seems a lot of… Do you just want me to just text it to you?”Eddie drops the winch equipment onto his own foot. He bites back a curse, and maybe a tantrum, and maybe the urge to push Spencer back off the f@ck@ng cliff.“That would be wonderful, yeah,” replies Spencer, sounding a little faint.“Cool.”Eddie scowls at his winch equipment, hot enough to burn a hole in it like the Superman cartoon he watched with Christopher last week, and then yanks it back up and stalks to the truck. He slams it back into its relevant compartments with perhaps a bit more force than necessary. Ravi gives him a side-eye, but quite frankly, Ravi is usually giving the whole lot of them a side-eye, so Eddie can’t bring himself to care.If Buck wants to give out his number to strangers he meets on cliffsides, that’s fine. Eddie thinks it’s a bit unprofessional, but that’s Buck’s choice. And if Buck decides his account is no longer anonymous, if he’s going to just give the handle out – even better. Wonderful.By the time they’re all squeezed back in the engine and heading home (Guobadia and Hawkins are in the ambulance taking both the concussed woman and f@ck@ng Spencer to the hospital), Eddie is only stewing a little bit. He’s mostly over it – it doesn’t matter how obsessed Spencer is with Buck, really, as long as Buck didn’t seem to return the appeal – when Lucy brings it up.“Hey, I thought you weren’t telling anyone your secret Instagram account,” she says, leaning around Ravi to ask it. “Ah,” Buck says, with a cheeky grin. “Incorrect – I’m not telling you guys. Big difference.”Eddie looks at his lap to hide the flinch of guilt across his features. With Buck sat opposite him, any expressions at all feel dangerous."Maybe you should be at least careful which civilians you tell,” says Bobby from the front seat. “I think you might have given that fella a bit of false hope, kid.”“You think he wasn’t Buck’s type, Cap?” Hen teases. Eddie dares to peek up, and catches a tell-tale pink creep across Buck’s cheeks, rising from his jaw and tinging him delicious.“He’s not a redhead,” Chimney points out, in on the joke as well.“Ali was a brunette,” counters Hen. “Or, wait, wasn’t she blonde when you guys first met her, Eddie?”Eddie would re-mortgage his house to not be involved in this conversation. But he plasters a neutral expression on, and says, “Oh, yeah. I think so.”See, he’s casual.“I don’t choose a partner based on hair colour,” complains Buck.Ravi, sincere as ever, asks, “What do you base it on, then?”Buck shifts in his seat, which has the side-effect of knocking his knees against Eddie’s. “Well. Personality, obviously. It has to be easy to be with a partner, you know. They should have a good sense of humour, and adventure, and family values. Someone who understands me, who doesn’t want to change me. And, yeah, of course, I’d want to be attracted to them.”It’s- Eddie can’t be the only one who noticed the use of ‘they’ and ‘them.’ Maybe he’s the only one with hope swirling in his gut like a parasite and just as dangerous, but still, he can’t be the only one who noticed. He’s staring at Buck, he realises, having forgotten to hide whatever his face is doing.And Buck is staring back, unreadable as well. There’s something deliberate, maybe challenging in his gaze.“They?” Hen asks, never one to beat around the bullet but still kind, still gentle.Buck swallows; Eddie watches the bob of his Adam’s apple. He takes a breath, and then – Eddie knows. He just knows.“I’m bisexual,” says Buck, determinedly.It rings through Eddie’s headset louder than any siren.Hen is the first to react. She leans over to grasp Buck’s hand in hers and squeeze it. “I’m proud to know that about you,” she says. “Thank you for sharing that with us.”Chimney nods, looks a little emotional himself. “Yeah, man.” He shucks his boot into Buck’s available shin. “Thanks for trusting us.”Eddie should say something too. He knows he needs to. But – Jesus Christ. He’s stuck uselessly inside his own body, can’t do anything but stare at his best friend across the fire-engine compartment. With every second that passes, that feels like an eternity, everything Eddie doesn’t say becomes more painful between them. For everything he could say, every bare-minimum sentiment that flits into his head, he thinks it’ll stick in his throat and choke him, or worse, come out as something completely different.There’s a beat of silence, and then Bobby says, from the front seat and through his headset, “Don’t think you’re getting out of a hug just because we’re in the truck, kid. And you’re still on dishwasher duty when we’re back.”Buck lets out a laugh, a little wet. “On it, Cap.”Lucy elbows Ravi. “We need to invite Buck to the bisexual group chat.”“We’re going to have to change the chat title though.” Ravi says, sounding genuinely a little mournful about the fact. “I liked Two and a Half Bisexuals.”Buck frowns. “Who’s the half?”“Sandra from B-shift.” Lucy explains. “She’s technically a lesbian but she also gets really h@rny about the weather guy from Channel 6.”“She says he looks breedable,” Ravi adds, which doesn’t really help Eddie’s understanding of the situation.“And Three and a Half doesn’t work?” Bobby asks from the front seat, clearly wondering how he’ll be able to translate all of this onto a HR form.“It’s not a pun, Cap,” Ravi explains patiently.Lucy elbows Ravi. “What about Three Bisexuals and a Baby?”“Like the John Cleese movie?” Buck asks.“Uh, no?”“How the hell are you getting Tom Selleck and John Cleese confused?” Chimney seems genuinely irate about the fact.“They have moustaches! They’re both British!”“Tom Selleck is not British!”“What about Three Bisexuals and a Little Queer?” Ravi suggests to Lucy, wholly ignoring the other two, as usual. “You know, from the sequel.”Lucy thinks about it for a second, nods in approval, and then pulls out her phone to frantically change the title accordingly.Eddie thunks his head back against the seat rest. When he pulls his chin back down to resting, he catches Hen’s eye, and sees the same happy gleam in her eyes. He can’t not smile back, filled with love for the four idiots sharing one brain cell who he’d still run into fire for.When the truck lands at the station, Eddie tugs at Buck’s sleeve before he can bounce upstairs with the rest of them. He drags Buck around towards the gym area, which is helpfully empty right now, and into one of the low-lit corners.“Hello,” says Buck, pointedly.Eddie lets go of Buck’s sleeve, and then wipes that same hand on his own uniform to rid it of clammy nerves. It doesn’t entirely work. He says, “You never told me.”Buck crosses his arms. “I mean, I haven’t told many people. Is- are you okay with this?”“Of course I am, that’s not-” Eddie cuts himself off, frustrated with the hardness of his own tone. He’s supposed to be soft about this, he knows that. He should be kind. Except there’s a weird jealousy, creeping up like vines in his oesophagus, that twists his words into something angry by the time they leave his mouth. He takes a breath, tries again, says what he should have said in the truck in the first place. “I just wanted to say I’m proud of you. And I hope I never made you feel like this was something you couldn’t share with me.”Buck’s caution breaks into a small smile, twitching at the corners like it wants to grow impossibly wider. “No, Eddie. Christ. Of course not. I just didn’t want it to change things, not until I was totally sure.”“Never,” vows Eddie, which is such a f@ck@ng lie he should have it stamped across his forehead. Because obviously it changes things, if only in Eddie’s own head.And really, this is where Eddie should take the opportunity to say, “Me too.” Or: “I think my sexuality is mostly just you, actually.” Or: “How did you figure it out? Was it the way your breath caught when you looked at your best friend in uniform sleeping on the bunkers? Was it coming home and seeing your best friend there and feeling complete? Was it any of that at all or am I alone here in this?”Chimney yells from over the upstairs railing, “If you want to choose your pizza toppings, get up here now! Otherwise you’re getting anchovies and pineapple and nothing else!”Buck wiggles his eyebrows at Eddie conspiratorially. “Joke’s on him; I’d still eat it.”Eddie rolls his eyes, the moment having definitely passed. His heartrate can calm down anytime now. “You’d eat anything if it was still warm.”Buck shoves into Eddie’s shoulder, and then darts for the stairs. He calls over his shoulder, “You’re such a great ally, Eddie. Look at you, making ass-eating jokes already!”And Eddie stumbles over his own f@ck@ng boots at that.
   

  -

   

  @firehoseLA: hey everyone! Not a selfie from me today, but as part of educating people about first responders, I wanted to share a video made a couple of years ago by the NYFD for the ‘It Gets Better’ Project (where you can donate here!). I think sometimes people have this macho view of firefighters – and yeah, I’ve known some straight and cis and stereotypically manly dudes who are amazing at their jobs, who save lives every day. But I also work with queer people of all genders and sexualities, everyone under the rainbow flag, and that’s never stopped them from saving lives. I like to think of the LAFD as a welcoming place – I know it certainly welcomed me. So if you’re ever thinking about applying, and you worry it’s not a space for you: I promise it is.

   

  @elbombero118: hey, saw your post. Just wanted to say congratulations. 

  @firehoseLA: u don’t know the post is about me. It’s just about, yk, LGBT+ firefighters in general. 

  @elbombero118: You’re right, I don’t know. @elbomber118: But, just in case, congratulations anyway. 

   

  -

   

  @firehoseLA: thanks man. 

   

  -

   
“I mean, I couldn’t buy him an actual alligator, could I?”Buck gives him an all-knowing look from his side, from where they both look at the new bearded dragon enclosure set up in Eddie’s living room. “Uh huh.”Eddie puts his hands on his hips. “And a lot of blogs say it’s a good idea to get kids a pet at this age, because they’re old enough to help out but young enough to still be interested. It helps with emotional development, and a sense of responsibility.”“Right.”Eddie’s hands drop. “I should’ve gotten him a cat, shouldn’t I?”“No, it’s great! Eds, he’s gonna love it.” Buck leans forward to rest a single fingertip against the huge glass enclosure that seems to now take up most of Eddie’s house. “Come on. We got the seventy-five gallon tank, we got literally every branch and rock they sold at the pet store, and we made some hiding spots for the lil’ guy.”“Lil’ girl,” Eddie corrects.  “Right,” allows Buck. “And we’ve even set up a temperature gradient for her, which, honestly, I think setting up took years off my life.”“It took us fifteen minutes, Buck, I think you’re being a little dramatic.”“Yeah, plus the thirty minute fire risk assessment!”“Which no one asked you to do!” Eddie lets out a sigh, throwing aside the ‘Caring for Your Bearded Dragon’ pamphlet that came with everything else he and Buck picked up from the store. It flutters onto the couch pathetically a few seconds later. “Maybe I should have asked Christopher before buying it.”Buck shakes his head, straightening up. “Nah, he’ll be delighted. I would’ve gone nuclear with happiness if my parents had ever surprised me with a pet.”“Oh, yeah?” Eddie asks, deliberately casual. “What pet would you have wanted?”Buck quirks a grin in his direction. “A bearded dragon, obviously.”“Now it all makes sense.” Eddie knocks his shoulder into Buck’s. “Okay. She can stay, I guess.”The bearded dragon looks at them both with – Eddie thinks, at least – judgement in her little beaded eyes. She’s corn-starch gold, with bumps all along her skin, and she’s about fifteen inches long.It’s stupid, because on the one hand she resembles literally nothing about his son. But regardless, there was something that struck Eddie as they were in the store, wandering around while Buck was bouncing between the gerbil and the lizard displays like Noah of Ark fame himself. Something about the way the light hit her, or the way she was a little smaller than the others at her age, or just the way she tilted her face up towards him just like Christopher does, chin and grin first.Anyway, now Eddie has a bearded dragon for his damned sentimentality.“You know what would make you feel better about her,” says Buck, already leaning over the tank and reaching down.“Well. Wait, hang on.” Eddie takes a step back.But Buck doesn’t listen, and instead starts cooing at the reptile, holding his hand and forearm gently out for the dragon to climb onto if she wanted to. Of course, she wants to, Eddie notes as she clambers onto Buck’s palm – apparently Buck’s charm works on human and reptile women alike.  Buck says, “You’re such a gorgeous lady, aren’t you? How do you want to meet your new daddy?”Eddie takes another step back, even as Buck twists in his direction with purpose. “How about you just keep hold of it for now?”“Why is that, Eddie?” Buck wraps his other arm underneath the lizard to better support her. She seems totally serene against his chest. “You wouldn’t – I mean, I feel crazy to even suggest it – but you wouldn’t be scared of holding your new pet, would you?”“No,” refutes Eddie. He blows breath through his lips to make a mild scoffing sound. “Not scared. Just, you know.”Buck raises his eyebrows. The lizard is now half-clawed up his t-shirt, stretching for his shoulders to climb onto and explore. “I know what?”Eddie is, genuinely, someone who can always be counted on under times of stress of panic to keep a level head. It got him through war, and various 118 emergencies, and even when Shannon started labour in a Korean restaurant across town from the hospital.But for same reason, right now, all that blurts out is: “You should take a photo with her for your thirst account.”That at least stops Buck from advancing, if only to seemingly reboot his brain. “What?”Eddie makes a gesture to encompass them both. “Yeah. You know. It would be – a photo.”“It would be a photo,” repeats Buck, deadpan. “What, like the one of you and the kitten you took for the calendar?”With a weak smile, Eddie admits, “The bearded dragon would probably scratch less than that cat. I think my niece set a curse on it just before she handed it to me.”Buck snorts. “Yeah, I can’t imagine this one hurting a fly.”“How’s that all going, anyway?” Eddie asks. They’re on the subject at least, so it’s a normal thing for him to ask. He tries to look basically uninterested, and even steps close to run a careful finger over the bearded dragon’s back. “What? The thirst account?” Buck looks suspicious – perhaps Eddie’s tone wasn’t as disinterested as he attempted. “What do you care about that?”“I don’t,” says Eddie, too quickly. “I’m just asking.”“Right.” Buck still doesn’t look convinced. “Why did you ask if you don’t care, then?”Luckily, Eddie is saved by the door opening, and the call of Pepa from the hallway. “We’re home!”“Sh@t,” Buck and Eddie say in unison.Buck hip-checks Eddie, sending him in the direction of the hallway. “You go say hello, distract him for two minutes. I’ll put her back in the tank.”“You’re the best!” Eddie darts into the hallway to run interference. Pepa gives him a knowing look, having known exactly what the plan for the day was, when Eddie meets them in the hallway and crouches down to give Christopher a massive hug and smacking kiss on the top of his head. “Hey buddy, did you have a nice time with your tía today?”“We made tres leches,” Christopher reports happily. Behind him, Pepa hands over a large Tupperware as proof. “Tía Pepa said we could give them to Buck when we next see him.”Pepa’s smile turns a shade too innocent for Eddie’s liking. She shrugs. “I assumed you’d be seeing him soon.”On the one hand – Pepa knows that Buck came to help Eddie with getting the bearded dragon and all its equipment, ostensibly because four arms were definitely needed for the million-gallon tank and all the rocks it apparently needed. But on the other hand, Eddie doesn’t want to raise his son with the expectation that Buck can be summoned with tres leches and his name three times in the mirror like a reverse Candyman.Eddie crouches down and says, “You know, Buck was helping me with a surprise today. You want to come see?”Christopher narrows his eyes. “What kind of surprise?”“Hopefully a good one,” says Eddie, standing back up and beckoning Christopher to follow him. “Come on.”When Christopher and Eddie round the doorway, Buck is holding one of Abuela’s crocheted throws in front of the tank like a magician about to reveal his surprise. “Christopher!” He crows out. “Finally, you’re here. We have someone here who’s desperate to meet you. She’s been waiting for you all day.”Eddie can see the second Christopher realises what’s probably hiding behind the throw. “No way,” he says, shuffling closer. The older Christopher gets, the more difficult it is to impress him, so Eddie’s heart is a little sore from squeezing at the sight.Buck catches Eddie’s eye, as if waiting for permission, and Eddie nods. Buck swooshes away the throw, and lets out a happy, “Ta da!”“No way,” Christopher says again, eyes wide behind his glasses. “A lizard?”“A bearded dragon, to be exact,” says Buck. “Come closer, you want to meet her?”“Can I hold her?”“Of course. More importantly, though, buddy, you have to name her.” Buck says it like it’s the most important task in the whole universe. “So you’d better start thinking about ideas.”  Eddie realises he’s grinning only when his cheeks start hurting from it.Christopher is nearly vibrating with excitement as Eddie guides him onto the couch so Buck can lift out the lizard and then place her carefully onto Christopher’s lap. Christopher beams, all his teeth out. “I always wanted a pet,” he says. “And she’s so cool.”Eddie can admit, now that the plan has worked and his son is delightedly holding a bearded dragon in his lap, that he knows exactly why he didn’t bring Christopher to the pet store, or even ask what pet he wanted. Why he did all this as a surprise rather than a family decision. He was terrified Christopher would ask for something Eddie couldn’t provide, or that wouldn’t be right for their family routine, or even that they didn’t sell at whatever store they visited. Eddie knows very well the feeling of wanting what you can’t have – and he’ll do whatever he can to protect Christopher from that where possible.But – watching Buck teach Christopher where to gently stroke his new pet, how to support her legs, how to know when to catch her and when to let her explore – but then again, Buck kind of makes all things possible.Christopher decides on Smaug for the name, which Eddie should have expected considering the Lord of the Rings kick Christopher is on at the moment. (His class has started reading The Hobbit, and then obviously Eddie had to be the first one to show his kid the movies, extended cut only. Eowyn was always Shannon’s favourite, and Eddie had to focus on not crying when Christopher cheered at the “I am no man!” scene.)Pepa eventually goes home, only after Buck places Smaug on top of her head and she smacks him for ruining her hair, kissing all three boys on their cheeks and waving her loving goodbyes. Eddie goes to cut up some snacks while Buck explains to Christopher all about the habitat, and why the temperature needs to be a certain number, and when Smaug will need feeding.Half-heartedly, Eddie is aware he’s the one who should probably be teaching Christopher all of this, especially the stuff about feeding and cleaning. That was the whole point of this, right? Teaching Christopher some responsibility?But Eddie is also a realist, who knows his son has been responsible for plenty in his life so far. Eddie also knows that most likely, it’s Buck who is going to be feeding and cleaning the tank the majority of the time. Eddie will do his fair share, obviously, but he also sees the way Buck looks at Smaug and knows that lizard already has Buck wrapped around her little claw finger. Eddie’s not complaining, far from it – if Buck wants to come over day and night to feed Christopher’s lizard, he’s welcome to. He already has a house key and a coat hook with his name painted on and a toothbrush in the holder on the sink. Frankly, Eddie and Christopher are both of the unspoken opinion that the more time Buck spends here, at home, rather than alone in his cold-glass bachelor pad, the better.  By the time evening rolls around, Buck is now competing with Smaug for the role of Christopher’s best friend, and Chris has hugged Eddie at least three times declaring him ‘the best.’ It’s a good day.The only thing that would make it better is:“Corazón salvaje!” Christopher cheers as Eddie presses ‘play’ on the TV remote.“Wait, I’m not caught up on this one,” Buck says, sliding into place in the middle between Christopher and Eddie on the couch.“Don’t worry,” says Eddie, with a grin. “We can watch with subtitles.”“There’s two countesses,” Christopher explains as the grainy telenovela starts, with the iconic opening theme song and various shots of actors in front of flames, on top of a pirate ship, or looking at each other tearfully. “And they’re both in love with Juan del Diablo, but his dad didn’t want him, so he grew up as a pirate! And Aimee and Andres fell in love, but Andres was supposed to marry Mónica, who’s Aimee’s older sister, so now Mónica has joined a convent because she’s heartbroken.”Buck has the same expression he has when trying to do math, as if looking up at the ceiling will help him count. He nods. “Okay,” he says, and repeats obediently: “Juan the devil, Aimee and Mónica, Andres. Got it. Let’s go.”They watch two episodes, full of swashbuckling and romance and action, just as was the case when Eddie and his sisters watched it as a kid at Abuela’s. Some of the grainy production is of its early-90’s time, of course, but it just makes Eddie all the more pleased when Christopher laps it up regardless. After the second episode of the evening, though, Eddie stands, and says, “Dinner before the next one? Or do you want to hang out in your room, Chris?”“Dad,” Christopher says, mockingly heartbroken. “Aimee and Juan have just met – what about Andres? We can’t stop now.”“You got it,” Eddie laughs. “Okay, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready? Thirty minutes?”“I’ll come help,” says Buck, smacking his hands on his massive thighs before standing up as well. He ruffles Christopher’s hair. “Can’t have your dad burning down the kitchen on our watch, can we?”“I can cook!” Eddie protests.“You’d better supervise,” Christopher says solemnly to Buck.Eddie throws up his hands in exasperation and pretends he isn’t smiling too as he retreats to the kitchen.True to his word, Buck follows him, after what certainly sounds like a high-five with Eddie’s own traitor son, and then c@cks a hip against the counter. “What are we making this evening, Chef?”“I was thinking tomato consomme reduction and smoked ricotta tortellini?” Eddie says, with a straight face. He lets Buck blink for a few moments, and then breaks, spinning around holding the pack of pasta and jar of peeled tomatoes. “Ravioli, cheese, and sauce?”Buck rolls his eyes, reaches forward to sn@tch the tomato jar from Eddie. “You think you’re so funny, don’t you?”“What’s funny is how much you’re about to cry when I chop these onions.”“I wouldn’t if you would just keep them in the fridge before you cut them!” Buck complains, even as Eddie reaches over to start the cold tap for him. “You know I have sensitive eyes.”“Yeah, yeah. I’d recommend saving the tears for next episode. Just wait until Aimee-”“Ah, spoilers!” Buck claps his hands over his ears and shuts his eyes. “La, la, la.”Eddie laughs, can’t help it, and abandons the onions on the cutting board to step closer. “Okay, Buck, I won’t. Buck!” But Buck is so determinedly singing to himself, eyes pressed shut, that Eddie has to physically pull his hands down to get his attention. “Buck.”Buck opens his eyes, and it’s then that Eddie realises exactly how close he’d gotten. And that he still has a loose grip around Buck’s wrists. And that Buck’s so-called sensitive eyes are also large, and gorgeous, and endless.Buck lets out a breath and Eddie can feel it on his own lips.Eddie stumbles back, turns to the onions and picks up the knife like he can carve the weirdness out of him.“I’m going to go wash up,” says Buck, and Eddie must be imagining the croak in his voice.Eddie should say something about the onions, something teasing and light like the friends they are. But he can’t quite manage it, and his grip around the knife handle only tightens when he hears Buck leave the room.He takes several deep breaths, and then starts cutting the onions. It’s fine.Eddie has it all under control.Eddie somehow manages to get through the rest of the evening, concentrating on his son and the telenovela, all the way up until Christopher has to go to bed and Buck says he has to go home. Eddie would usually offer for Buck to stay a little longer, to share a beer or whatever, but there’s still a lingering weirdness that Eddie needs to shake out like an old rug.With Christopher out like a light, Eddie wanders back into the living room to clear up.He clears up the snacks, sets the dishwasher on, and then slouches back onto the couch, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table and accidentally brushing one of the coasters onto the floor. He ignores it for a moment, rests his head against the couch’s back.Eddie should get some sleep too, honestly, what with an early start for his shift tomorrow.But instead, he opens up his phone, and the Instagram app on it. He’s still logged on as @elbombero118 – hasn’t logged into his real account for almost a month now – and so it’s @firehoseLA that greets him on his homepage.It’s a new photo, Eddie realises. And then in the next split-second, he realises it’s a photo taken in Eddie’s own bathroom mirror.It’s- Jesus Christ.Eddie just- F@ck, he just needs a minute.The photo starts from Buck’s chin, still hiding his face, but showing all that g@dd@mn neck, and shoulders, and torso. He’s braced on Eddie’s sink, arm bulging from being tensed, with the other hand holding up the camera in front of his chest.  He’s wearing the same t-shirt he was wearing this evening – oh Christ, he took the photo this evening. He went into Eddie’s bathroom and took a photo posing like that and Eddie is going to die.Eddie knows, on some level, that his reaction is perhaps a bit ridiculous. That some of Buck’s other photos are far more risqué, with more skin on show and more suggestive poses. In comparison, this photo is practically tame.But it’s in Eddie’s house. Buck took this photo in between sitting on the couch with Eddie and eating Eddie’s food and in Eddie’s bathroom.Eddie is so hard he thinks he’s going to explode from it.His hand, almost of its own accord, the one not gripping onto his phone so tight his knuckles are white from tension, creeps onto his thigh, further inwards. His eyes roam over the photo, looking over each detail. He taps the screen with his thumb every so often so it doesn’t lock itself from lack of use. He stares at the lines of Buck’s shoulders, the slant of his barely visible jaw, the way the countertop cuts him off just underneath his hips. His hand creeps a little closer to his-There’s movement out of the corner of his eye, and he sees Smaug settle into a different hiding place in her tank.Eddie slumps like his ropes have been cut. He’s lost his g@dd@mn mind.He’s been at a lot of low points in his life; he’ll be the first to admit that. But masturbating to a photo of his friend, two feet from his son’s new bearded dragon, might be a low point even Eddie won’t reach.He finally closes the app, lets out a gust of air, and wills his d@ck to calm down. He rubs a hand over his face.He’s in control. - 
  @firehoseLA: so, dude, I have to ask. what the hell is that in ur profile pic@firehoseLA: wait sh@t I’ve been calling u dude and man@firehoseLA: I meant it gender neutrally u kno @firehoseLA: just tell me if u don’t want to be a dude 

  @elbombero118: Take a breath.

  @firehoseLA: sorry.

  @elbombero118: I am a dude, and I’m fine with you calling me dude. @elbombero118: Also, it’s a tortilla warmer.

  @firehoseLA: cool. not that it matters, stranger and all that, but I didn’t wanna be misgendering u, yk 

  @elbombero118: It’s appreciated. 

  @firehoseLA: wait I thought tortilla warmers were made out of wicker 

  @elbombero118: They can be ceramic too. You know. Like the one in my profile photo. 

  @firehoseLA: r u the one that painted it 

  @elbombero118: Absolutely not. I don’t have a single artistic bone in my body. It was my Abuela. 

  @firehoseLA: that can’t be true. every1 can paint something. 

  @elbombero118: Nope. I tried to draw something when I was babysitting a friend’s kid and he said it looked like a potato being flung into the sun.@elbombero118: It was supposed to be a daisy. 

  @firehoseLA: looooool @firehoseLA: hang on@firehoseLA: 
  
    www.freepaintbynumbers.com/pdfs/download/van-gogh-vase-with-daisies-and-poppies
  

  @elbombero118: I’d be offended but honestly I think even that’s above my skill level.
 - The weeks pass, and at this point, Eddie is literally talking to Buck all the time.It’s a bit alarming. He feels like he’s one of those awful TLC programmes that Ravi will put on in the background, but his weird obsession is talking to Buck instead of marrying balloon animals or eating mattress foam. It’s gotten to the point where if Eddie is not asleep, driving, getting Christopher ready for school, or literally putting out a fire, he’s talking to Buck.But it’s not Eddie’s fault, not really – it’s Buck’s. Buck, who is so easy to talk to about everything. Buck, who’s kind and too funny for his own good and always curious. Buck, who always rides the waves of each conversation, never seems to think something is off-limits or too weird to discuss.What makes it worse is the freedom @elbombero118 has that Eddie in real life doesn’t.Edmundo Diaz has to be responsible and pay his taxes and remember to pick up his son’s medication and be as cool under pressure as anything. But @elbombero118 can admit he still struggles with his left and right sometimes, and that he hates pickles, and that he tripped over the kerb yesterday and a girl skateboarded past him laughing.He thinks there’s a freedom for @firehoseLA too. Some things feel easier to type than talk about, and it feels the same for Buck too.Even if, Eddie remembers with a pang of guilt, Buck doesn’t know exactly who he’s being so free with.Eddie wakes up on the tail end of a dream – one of the not fun ones. One where he knows the taste of his blood, of water in his lungs, of asphalt dragging against his cheek. One where he’s drowning on the dry streets of LA and everyone keeps walking around him, because they’ve got to get to work and he’s embarrassing them with his weakness, and he’s reaching at ankles praying someone will carry him and no one ever does, no one saves him, he has to save himself, and-He scrambles for his phone, unlocks it with trembling hands and trying to hide his breaths into the pillow. It’s late, still dark outside, and Eddie finds Buck’s contact file in the next second.His thumb pauses over the green ‘call’ icon. It’s late. And-And Eddie’s been doing so well. Not to brag, but he’s kind of been crushing therapy. He’s back at the 118, he’s repairing his relationship with his parents, he and Christopher talk about their feelings more than the weather. He’s doing well.But if he calls Buck to calm him down from a panic attack, Buck’s going to think Eddie has regressed. (Failed.) Buck will worry and shut down further in order to help Eddie. Eddie can’t let that happen.But equally, with his heart so fast in his chest and his stomach churning, and the f@ck@ng taste on his tongue, he wants nothing more than to call Buck anyway. He wants to be a bit selfish, right now; he wants to scream and yell until Buck comes through the door and hugs him. He used to punch something when he felt like this, but, Jesus, they’ve only just repainted Eddie’s bedroom walls.There’s only one real compromise, one conclusion, that makes sense. In the morning – the real morning, not whatever early hours Eddie is hiding in now – he’ll maybe question his logic a little more.But for now: 
  @elbomber118: Hey stranger.@elbombero118: Are you awake?

   
Eddie watches the messages send, and deliver, and then he pulls the phone back and presses it against his chest. He’s too warm, but he can’t quite manage to kick away the protection of the covers yet. He finally checks the time on his alarm clock by his bedside: two o’clock in the morning. Yeah, there’s no way that Buck is-His phone vibrates against his chest. 
  @firehoseLA: I am but why are you? what time zone are you in? 

  @elbombero118: I’m West Coast. 

  @firehoseLA: same as me then

  @elbombero118: Yeah the LA part of your username gave that away.

  @firehoseLA: that could stand for anything. 

  @elbombero118: Like what? 

  @firehoseLA: Lake Arrowhead

  @elbombero118: Which is also in California. 

  @firehoseLA: right. Hmmm ok ok u got me there. @firehoseLA: but I know why I’m up so late @firehoseLA: but y are u?? 

  @elbombero118: Why are you up so late?

  @firehoseLA: I asked u first

  @elbombero118: Tell me anyway.

  @firehoseLA: fine. but u can’t laugh at me.

  @elbombero118: I promise not to type ‘lol’ at least. 

  @firehoseLA: u never use ‘lol’ that’s not helpful@firehoseLA: but fine. I was watching videos on the deepest parts of the ocean and now I can’t sleep. There’s so much unexplored!! it’s creepy. I’ve been scuba diving a bit but nothing too deep, u kno? Mainly around reefs in south America. 

  @elbombero118: And how many videos did you watch before you realised you were freaked out?

  @firehoseLA: oh it only took the first 1. there was a video showing the progression of the Titanic sinking. But then I thought I could watch more as like… exposure therapy. 

  @elbombero118: uh huh.@elbombero: lol 

  @firehoseLA: !!!! how dare u???? now you HAVE to tell me why you’re awake. 
  👀👀👀

  @elbombero118: Same as you, can’t sleep. Or, rather, I just woke up.

  @firehoseLA: bad dream?
 Eddie takes a moment to reply, long enough that the screen fades to black. He lets out a deep breath. Maybe this stranger thing can work both ways. 
  @elbombero118: Yeah. PTSD is a b@tch. 

  @firehoseLA: I’m sorry to hear that. It really is. Are you in any danger to yourself right now?

  @elbomber118: I’m fine. Just a bit wired. Head’s going a million miles per hour and my adrenaline is still catching up. 

  @firehoseLA: ah. hang on. 

   
Eddie assumes that might the end of it, that Buck has gotten distracted by something else, or another message he needs to reply to more urgently. Eddie feels more hurt by that than he deserves – he can’t expect Buck to prioritise a stranger on the internet, one he barely knows. And he’s already helped. The taste is gone from Eddie’s mouth, at least.But then another message comes through – not a written one, but a voice recording. Eddie feels too tender for his own skin as he presses play.“Hey,” says Buck, low and close to the mic so his voice crinkles. “This might be a bit weird, but I figured, we’re already strangers on the internet, so it probably can’t get weirder. Anyway, I wondered if you might want to breathe with me. If you don’t, you can just end this recording and tell me to f@ck off. But if you do – well, here we go.”And then Buck takes a noisy breath in through his mouth, holds it for seven seconds, and then lets it go.Eddie stares at the phone, as if it might come up with a message alert reading ‘yes, this is indeed a real man you are friends with.’ The recording continues to play, and Buck inhales again. Eddie holds the phone impossibly closer and closes his eyes. For a moment, he can pretend. Pretend that Buck is right here, and Eddie can not only hear his breath but feel it too.D@mn him to hell, Eddie inhales too.He holds it in for seven seconds, and then exhales. And again. And again, and again, until Buck on the recording says, “Sometimes you just have to remind your body that you and it are on the same side, you know? Anyway. Sorry again if this was weird.”The recording ends. Eddie plays it again.After the second way through, Eddie, despite himself, feels settled, like he can breathe for himself. Buck keeps dragging him to life, no matter how.Eddie types out a message. 
  @elbombero118: Thank you. Seriously. That helped. 

  @firehoseLA: I’m glad. What are strangers for? 

  @elbombero118: I’m not sure what I can do about your ocean worries though. Maybe watch some videos about the desert?

  @firehoseLA: I live in California dude I don’t need videos @firehoseLA: sorry if the voice message was too much btw, I can just keep on sending messages as normal

  @elbombero118: No!@elbombero118: Don’t worry about it. It was nice. You have a future in meditative podcasts. Or maybe you could make a GPS recording. 

  @firehoseLA: im not sure about that, the latter definitely not. My best friend says I’m sh@t at directions. I’m only allowed to be the driver or choose the playlist. 

   
Eddie has an entire playlist folder on his and Buck’s shared Spotify that is titled ‘Buck is Sitting in the Passenger Seat.’ In that folder, there’s a playlist for rainy drives, and one for early morning drives. One for the way home after a bad call-out, and one for when they’re with Christopher, and one for when they’re on a long drive and Christopher has fallen asleep in the backseat.Sometimes – and Eddie will not admit this under pain of death – sometimes Eddie plays them even when he’s not with Buck or even in his car. The fond memories are worth the risk of Buck noticing on their account activity.(Buck has a specific smile when he’s in the passenger seat – when he’s squinting into the sunlight streaming through the windscreen, or when he’s twisting around to chat to Christopher in the backseat, or when he’s arguing with whatever direction the GPS has pointed them to. It’s a bit of a sillier smile, a little more carefree. Eddie likes that smile, is all.)               
  @elbombero118: You seem like someone who has bad music taste.

  @firehoseLA: the She-Ra and the Princesses of Power theme song is a f@ck@ng masterpiece, and I will come to wherever you are on the west coast to fight you about it 
  ✨
  ☺
  ️
 Eddie laughs, to himself in his empty bedroom. Which is ridiculous, because he, Buck, and Christopher have all sung along to that exact theme song on the 134 West, along with Gravity Falls and the Scooby Doo theme songs too. (Chimney is getting more and more irate that Buck is improving his pop culture only in tv shows aimed at the under thirteen demographics.)It’s like the nightmare never even happened. Eddie just feels warm all over, like it really is morning and the dawn caresses over him.  And then he remembers that Buck has watched plenty of videos on the Titanic before, and that he tried free-diving when he visited Scandinavia. That lightness fades away, and Eddie is alone again in a dark room.               
  @elbombero118: So, cartoons aside – do you want to tell me why you’re really awake at 2am?

   
Buck takes a moment to reply. Eddie worries for a moment that he’s taken it too far. After all, even if Eddie isn’t, @elbombero118 is a stranger to Buck. Eddie twists on the bed, so he lies on his back and holds his phone up above him. 
  @firehoseLA: yh, okkkkk, you caught me. but it’s not anything bad, I promise. nothing like, yk, whatever is keeping you up.

  @elbombero118: Tell me about it anyway. 

  @firehoseLA: really it’s not bad it’s just embarrassing

  @elbombero118: Now you definitely have to tell me. 

  @firehoseLA: fiiiine@firehoseLA: I had a weird dream about the guy I have a crush on. 

   
Eddie’s phone slips out of his hands and whacks into the bridge of his nose.“F@ck,” he hisses, curling on his side and wincing at the bruising pain. He pinches his nostrils, only to be surprised he hasn’t actually given himself a f@ck@ng nosebleed.Buck doesn’t – Buck can’t have a crush. Who would he have a crush on? Who does he know who Eddie doesn’t? Who the f@ck could be special enough for Buck to have a g@dd@mn crush on?Eddie grabs his phone back, ignoring the smart of his nose (if he has a black eye, he’s going to call in sick rather than face anyone’s questions).  There’s somehow more.  
  @firehoseLA: it wasn’t even sexual!!! I just dreamt that he took me on a picnic for our first date but somehow he’d only packed insects for us to eat. And then he kept opening more Tupperware containers hoping there wouldn’t be bugs in that one but there was and then he just kept getting more flustered. He even tried to open a bottle of wine but there were insects in that too! And I was trying to reassure him that I didn’t care about the bugs, I just wanted to kiss him. But then he said that he wouldn’t kiss anyone with insects on their shirt and I was like, ‘ur the one who brought the insects!!’ and then I woke up, like, offended at him. 

   
Eddie stares at the message.That – does not help him one little bit. He needs to know more. He needs to – but he can ask like a normal friend would. 
  @elbombero118: Huh.@elbombero118: That does sound like a weird dream. Is the guy an insect collector?

  @firehoseLA: Not as far as I’m aware of. But yk, he’s someone who keeps a lot to the chest. He’s always surprising me, so. Maybe????@firehoseLA: I hope not though. Like I don’t mind insects but I don’t want them on my date!!!

   
With his gut twisting itself up, Eddie writes out a reply. 
  @elbombero118: Tell me about him. Your crush. Maybe that’ll help forget the insect-version of him from your dream. 

   
That’s a pathetic excuse, but Eddie doesn’t care. It’s as close as he can physically get to casual interest, as if he’s curious as a friend and not as someone who might be forced to hunt down a man with his car in the next twenty four hours.               
  @firehoseLA: jeez. r u sure? I feel like I could talk about him for hours. It’s so embarrassing. 

  @elbombero118: Go for it. What else are we gonna talk about at 2am?

  @firehoseLA: ok ok. he’s… @firehoseLA: I dunno man. he’s kind of everything to me. 

   
Eddie feels sick.
   

  @firehoseLA: like, physically? he’s brunette, shorter and smaller than me, and also probably the most attractive man in California. Like objectively speaking. He’s gorgeous, and then I’m biased on top of that because I feel so much for him, you know? so when I see him it feels like my brain is just… leaking out of my ears. it’s so dumb. @firehoseLA: but there’s everything else to him as well. He’s hilarious, and smart as hell, and emotionally intelligent too. He’s kind – he’s one of the best people I know. u know? He’s just good, through and through. 

   
Eddie has never before hated someone like he hates this guy who he’s never met.Somehow, when Eddie wasn’t looking, Buck fell in love.This isn’t a crush, this is- it doesn’t take a genius to read into the hundred word essay on how much Buck is in love.Buck fell in love with some 5’7” male model Mother f@ck@ng Theresa, while Eddie was too busy screaming holes into his own bedroom wall.It’s like reading a list of everything Eddie isn’t. Like Eddie lost a fight he didn’t even know he was in the ring for, that he didn’t know he wanted to win. Eddie’s a male brunette and apparently that’s where the similarities end. Because Eddie isn’t good, or small and slight, or emotionally intelligent. He’s the same size as Buck, and he doesn’t crack jokes, and he’s certainly not handsome, not like Buck sees everyday working in LA, not like the women Buck has dated. He has cauliflower ears and a scar crosshatching his lip and his body is riddled with bullet holes. Eddie is a caved-in well of dirt and mess, sucking in everyone around him, lashing out even when they’re only kind. Eddie isn’t a good man, far from it, not with all his baggage and meanness and desires.There’s this sick twist like jealousy, which doesn’t make sense, because it’s not- he doesn’t- his thing about Buck is just attraction. It has to be, because it would be dangerous, otherwise. It would ruin everything, otherwise. 
  @elbombero118: Sounds like a great guy. 

  @firehoseLA: he is. definitely better than me!

  @elbombero118: I doubt that.

  @firehoseLA: u know him, then? 

  @elbombero118: No. @elbombero118: But I like to think I know you.@elbombero118: Anyway, I’m assuming he doesn’t run a thirst account for fire safety.@elbombero118: So you’ve got him beat there. 

  @firehoseLA: LOL. no absolutely not, though if he ever did… I think he could get the whole state to test their fire alarms with one selfie. 

   
This guy sounds irritating, actually. If Eddie ever meets him – god, what if Eddie meets him? What if one day, Buck just brings Mr Male Model Short King into the firehouse and Eddie just has to shake his hand and smile like he doesn’t want to take a Halligan to the guy’s stupid f@ck@ng face? What if Buck introduces him as his boyfriend?Eddie, p@ss@d off about it, types out a message through gritted teeth. 
  @elbombero118: Have you told him about your feelings?

  @firehoseLA: definitely not!!!!!@firehoseLA: we met at work so that at the very least would be awkward

   
Eddie tries to think of recent calls they’ve been on, tries to think of anyone attractive enough to catch Buck’s eye. It’s difficult to think clearly with the fog of general               
  @firehoseLA: anyway he doesn’t feel the same, so I don’t want to risk it. @firehoseLA: it’s all fine, don’t worry! I’m good with how we are at the moment. apart from the weird dreams lol@firehoseLA: u should try to get back to sleep, dude.

  @elbombero118: Right, yeah. You too. Sleep well. 
 Eddie locks the phone and rests it against his chest. It just doesn’t make any sense.Who in their right mind wouldn’t feel the same? If someone was lucky enough to have all of Buck’s attention, all of his sunshine smile-warmth-kindness, then there’s no one in this world who would turn that down.Eddie opens his phone back up to play the recording of Buck breathing again, and once more. Just another transgression for him to take to the gates.He doesn’t understand why he feels like this, like someone scrunched up his insides tight as if trying to wring the water from him. Because if it’s just waylaid attraction – if it’s just a harmless crush, a guilty pleasure, a thing he’ll be able to get over – he thinks it wouldn’t grip onto him quite like this. He wouldn’t want to punch a stranger just for the crime of making Buck happy and he certainly wouldn’t be offended at the idea of this stranger not feeling the same way.He smacks a hand over his eyes, as if he can reboot the stuck cogs ticking behind them. He lets out a deep breath, drags the same hand down his face and tugs at his bottom lip.He plays the recording again. - 
  @firehoseLA: hey happy birthday!

  @elbomber118: What?

  @firehoseLA: it’s the 8th of November.  @firehoseLA: like ur username dude I’m not stupid. Im just glad u didn’t put ur birth year in it as well@firehoseLA: or is that in ur password???@firehoseLA: ur going to get hacked bro!!!@firehoseLA: wait unless ur birthday is January 18th 

  @elbombero118: Oh. @elbombero118: Yeah. Thanks. 
 - Christmas comes and goes, and Eddie thinks he knows what the issue is.He’s been keeping this attraction to Buck completely under control, been obviously successful at it, but now Buck has brough an unknown component onto the board. That’s what’s throwing Eddie. Because he thought he knew Buck, knew everything there was to know about a person, but clearly he missed this. He missed a whole other man in Buck’s life. And that’s thrown Eddie out of whack. That’s all.So, to remedy this, Eddie just needs to find out who this mysterious man is. (The one that is apparently perfect, small, and charitable and a real f@ck@ng comedian, or whatever.)Obviously, Buck wouldn’t tell a stranger over Instagram anything specific. That’s understandable. But surely he’d tell Eddie. Eddie, his best friend? Eddie, his partner? Come on.This, therefore, is Eddie’s plan next shift. He waits for a lull in between calls, when most of the team are lounging around the upper floor of the firehouse. Eddie considers pulling Buck away for a private conversation – but then he thinks that the more witnesses, the better, for Eddie’s own errant tongue at least.“Hey,” he says to Buck, who looks up and gives Eddie his full attention as usual. His hair is still a little wet from his shower after their last call (at a farmhouse with donkey sh@t everywhere) so there’s a curl twisting for freedom over his forehead. Eddie aches to slide it back with his fingers, but instead focuses on his task. “Have you seen there’s a new boba place opening near Culver City?”As Eddie was counting on, Buck pulls a face. “I hate boba.”“How can you hate boba?” Lucy asks from the other couch, sounding genuinely offended, and playing exactly into Eddie’s hands. He resists the urge to send her a thumbs up, considering she doesn’t actually know Eddie’s masterplan.Buck’s face twists up sour. “The boba b@lls freak me out; I don’t like them exploding in my mouth. And I went on an awful date at one.”Now, Eddie knows the boba date story, because, again, he knows pretty much everything about Buck. Regardless, that was the segue he needed to ask, completely casually, “You don’t want to try again at a new boba place? Maybe you’d have better luck.”Buck looks as if Eddie had flicked him on the nose, somewhere between indignation and horror. “What? What do you mean?”Eddie makes a gesture – a very, very casual one, while his other hand holds loosely onto his book. “I’m just saying, if you were considering going on a date, maybe you could take him or her to the new boba place. That’s all.”Lucy reclines on the couch arm, propping herself on her own hand. She reminds Eddie of a very satisfied cat as she says, sweetly, “Buck? Are you thinking about taking anyone on a date?”Without looking in her direction, Buck puts up his middle finger. She laughs.Hen wanders over, sits next to Lucy and smacks her lightly on the ankle. “Don’t be mean, Donato.”“I didn’t say anything!”Leaning around Lucy, Hen says to Buck, “You know, we’d all be very supportive of you going on a date. Wouldn’t we, Eddie?”There’s an edge in her voice, like she’s trying to say something beyond her words alone, and so Eddie takes a second before saying, “Yeah, of course. Right.”Buck sinks lower into his chair, somehow avoiding looking at any of them. “I don’t- there’s no one- I’m not dating right now, guys. So, it doesn’t matter.”Okay, this wasn’t quite in line with Eddie’s plan. He thought Buck would have given at least a hint by now. He asks, “You’re sure? There’s no one you have your eye on?”Buck’s shoulders are tense now, a stiff line across. He stares at his own leg bent onto the couch cushion. “Nope,” he says. “No one at all. Can we drop it, now?”Eddie is starting to feel a little desperate now. “But what about someone from your Instagram? Or something, or whatever?”“What are you talking about?” Buck says with frustration creeping into his voice. “There’s not anyone. Drop it.”Eddie bites back a curse and throws his hands up in surrender. “Fine! Sorry.”There’s an awkward silence, and Eddie stares at the pages of his book without reading anything. He may have blown his cover, in retrospect, and he didn’t even get any good information from it.Hen is the one to tentatively say, “We all just want you to be happy, Buck. That’s all.”Buck deflates. “Right. I am. I’m fine, even without any of you meddling.” It seems like he directs that last sentence in Lucy and Hen’s direction in particular. “If I want to take someone on a date, I will do.”“Well,” Hen smiles. “I’m sure you’re a great date. And whoever that someone is, they’ll be lucky to go with you.” Privately, Eddie agrees.“Yeah. Even if you mess up the whole date, at least you’re a good kisser, Buck,” Lucy teases, and then flinches when Hen smacks her ankle again. “What? Oh. Oh sh@t.”Eddie blinks.That would imply – it’s weird, but that would imply Buck and Lucy had kissed. And that would be weird, right?But Buck is still as a backboard beside him. Which is also weird.He has to ask. “Wait.” He lets out a chuckle that probably only seems wooden to him. “Did… you two kiss?”Lucy shares a wide-eyed look with Hen. Buck replies, slowly, “Um. Yeah. It was ages ago, though.”“Ages. Before I joined the 118,” agrees Lucy.Eddie can fill in the dots easily. He remembers when Lucy first worked with the 118 on that bomb-strapped car, and the night out he was invited to and only stopped by, too trapped in his own b@llsh@t. When Buck was still with Taylor. “Oh.”“Eddie-” Buck tries.  “It’s fine,” says Eddie, and it comes out stiff. He clears his throat, tries again. “It’s fine, Buck, seriously. I’m just a bit surprised you didn’t tell me, but whatever. Are you two…?”He has no clue how to finish that sentence. Luckily, he doesn’t have to, as both Buck and Lucy, in unison, say, “Ew, no.”“Definitely not,” adds Buck for emphasis, with something wild in his eyes.“Right,” says Eddie again. He needs to be normal about this, he realises, but somehow his body isn’t on the same page. He forces a smile that doesn’t sit right on his mouth and teases, “Well, at least you won’t have to take Lucy for boba, then.”It doesn’t quite land right, not with the weird tension hanging in the air. Tension that Eddie is well aware he’s to blame for.He closes his book and stands up, as if he can shake the whole thing off. His plan definitely has not gone the way he wanted it to. “I’m just going to swap books,” he says, holding it up like a prop. “This one is, uh, boring. I’ll be right back.”He scuttles away down the stairs and manages to get into the locker room before a hand tugs him back around. Of course, it’s Buck who’s followed him down. “Wait, Eddie-”“It’s fine.” Eddie cuts him off. He needs to get this under control. “Really, I know I’m being strange about it. I just thought that would be something you would tell me.”Buck looks lost for words, and haltingly replies, “You had other stuff going on. And I didn’t really- you know it didn’t mean anything. And there was Taylor, and everything with Maddie and Chimney. I honestly forgot about it.”Eddie takes a breath, tries to let loose the manic whirring under his skin. “Buck, it’s okay. You can kiss who you want to kiss, and it’s none of my business. It’s just a bit of a shock to the system when I realise how much I missed this last year, that’s all.”He missed Lucy. He missed the Short Male Model from Instagram. What else has he missed?Buck seems pained by that. “It is your business. You’re my best friend, Eddie, I-”“I know,” says Eddie. He smiles. “Although, you’d better not let Chris hear you say that.”“Pft. He’s enamoured with Smaug now, I’m down in his ratings too.”“Nah,” Eddie says, and it comes out fonder than he means it too. “You’re still his favourite.”Buck finally smiles back, a small, tentative thing tinged with relief. “So, we’re good?”Eddie nods once, firmly. “We’re good. But, really, I just wanted to switch my book out to a different one. I’ll see you back up there?” Something in his voice must reassure Buck, because he claps Eddie once on the shoulder with a smile, and then darts away, back up the stairs.Eddie watches him go, and then slumps down onto the bench and groans into his palms.  Like everything in Eddie’s life, he’s too late.He’s too late to realising it’s not just attraction, or weirdness, or even just jealousy.Buck kissed Lucy. Which means that it was never a work issue, or a Taylor-in-the-way issue. It’s not an Eddie’s-a-guy issue, because Buck is openly bisexual. It’s not a Buck-isn’t-ready issue because he’s gone and fallen for someone else who he still won’t tell Eddie about. It was none of that, nothing that Eddie was subconsciously telling himself. Because even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself, Eddie was always just coming up with excuses of why Buck hadn’t made a move yet but maybe he would in the future, when Eddie was finally ready to acknowledge his own feelings. Just to save himself from rejection, as if the only reason Buck wasn’t in love with Eddie was because he was straight, or with Taylor, or they worked together, or whatever.But Eddie’s too late.He’s too late to realise he’s in love with Buck, because Buck’s already in love with someone else.'
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