Summarize this:
you know this place that I'm living in

right now

it literally

looks too modern

I think the place that I live at home

looks a little too modern

there's I mean at the same time it also

looks too old

but there's this very specific type of

aesthetic that homes that were built in

the 80s and 90s have

and I just really like that type of look

and this place looks like it was built

or designed

in

like the 2010s if not literally this

decade and something about that just

irks me

um but it's okay

I I've learned to be less bothered by

stuff like this as time has gone on

like stuff like this used to bother me

literally constantly

and at some point you just learn to

disconnect from it because if you do not

then it will destroy your whole life

because your whole life becomes about

like

making these overall aesthetic of where

you are

perfect

and not just that but also like

the general feeling of what you're doing

and how you're doing it like you become

obsessed with micromanaging the smallest

feeling

that gets elicited by your environment

and I think the reason

I have had a tendency to do this is

probably because of autism like when

you're autistic you're extremely

detail-oriented and you also are very

sensitive so you're easily affected by

your environment

and the the feelings elicited by the

lights

the colors the smells the sights the

sounds

all this stuff that makes up like the

place that you're in

and

I mean I think just by existing in the

world in a world that is not perfect

you're gonna get better over time and

not

taking these things

so seriously or with as much

significance

but like still there's still gonna

matter a lot like you're basically just

learning how to deal with

the fact that your environment is not

perfect it's not how you'd like it to be

and that fact makes you sensitive like

the reason it's not the way you'd like

it to be is because you've intricately

thought about how you would like it to

be because each change that you would

make corresponds to a specific feeling

that that change would elicit

and this is something that my

non-autistic family would refuse to

understand about me and about my

preferences

because they would hear it and then

think oh actually you're upset about

something else this is like a the grass

is always greener on the other side type

thing

and really you're just focusing on the

tangible details rather than the broader

picture

of what's making you sad and generally

that's pretty smart like that's a smart

thing to say that's a useful thing to

say in the vast majority of situations

and contexts

but the problem is I am literally

autistic and there is a specific feeling

that gets elicited by all these

different factors that I can touch and

smell and see and feel

and like when there's so much going on

there

it's not just a case of me overthinking

it or having some feeling and then

rationalizing it afterwards and a lot of

that

no it's just literally a matter of me

trying to figure out why all of these

different tiny elements affect me at a

physical level

like

when you're not autistic it's it's

really hard to understand this

but when you are autistic it's like

immediately you get what I'm talking

about like you're perceiving all these

intricate tiny details at all

and

you feel them in so much depth with such

intensity that like you just want to

optimize them to the best extent that

you can

so I spend a lot of my childhood

obsessing over stuff like this and

wishing that things about my environment

could be different

but at the same time

I do think that just because this is

true

like that doesn't automatically mean

that what my parents were saying is also

untrue

because at the same time I do think a

lot of the time I was focusing on these

tangible details

rather than the broader picture of what

was upsetting me about that environment

because I did not have the full scope of

understanding that one would need in

order to

um

in order to diagnose the problems in

what was basically the only environment

I had ever existed in that I'd ever

lived in

and

you know in retrospect now I can I and

I've talked about it in so many videos I

can say so many problems that were in

that environment

um but like I think we risk getting

carried away

by pointing out these broader problems

and analyzing them in depth like we risk

getting carried away

and not also being able to say like yeah

these other things were a problem too

um

and for me as an autistic person I think

these other problems were the same too

um you know what's so interesting to me

like I lived my whole childhood

being pretty depressed

and as I got a little bit older I want

to say by the time I was like 10 or 11

. I had enough exposure to this concept

media and parents and other influences

that like

I started thinking

I started thinking that marijuana would

solve all my problems

and that you know if I just get to the

age where I can get access to this plant

it's gonna literally solve everything

it's going to save my life this is what

I thought as a literal trial

and uh

it doesn't really work like that like

it's not just this miracle drug that

solves your depression and causes it to

no longer exist

um

I had a lot of learning to do after I

found out that that wasn't the case but

I will say this when I was 16

and I started smoking weed

um at first it kind of worked like that

like I would just smoke it like whenever

I was feeling really bad or whenever I

was especially bored and I would just

have these like waves of pleasure all

over me

um and it made anything I was doing

really

interesting and really funny

and I felt so relaxed

even though the intensity would

sometimes be so much that I could feel

this kind of um resistance or anxiety

within myself but most of the time I was

not one of the predominant feelings most

of the time I didn't even notice that

um

so I was just smoking this weed and um

it was never at a point where it was

like every day

um

but there were points when I wanted it

so much

that like I would literally look for

like the tiny like pieces

of flowers that were on my desk

and by this point I was like like 17

um like around there and I was just

looking for like the tiny pieces of

flower that were on my desk

and I would have this blunt paper that I

had resin on it

from

um you know when I had a blunt

and I would take that with the resin

from my pipe

and I would take these

um little like like pieces of blunt

paper and just mix them together and

smoke them

um and I would have like a mild high

from that

and I mean if you're doing that like the

I feel like most people's intuition

would be okay you have a problem

although in my defense I was extremely

poor at the time and could not really

afford weed

so

I mean again it's not like I was doing

this every single day or multiple months

in a row or anything like that

but uh it was a thing I I would try to

have around and

um I especially have fallen memories of

listening to podcasts and watching anime

that way because

um it made me better at focusing on the

anime I was watching and enjoying

enjoy and um the podcast I would listen

to like I would just lay in my bed in

the dark like complete darkness my

windows like like my blinds like

completely covered

you know under a blanket no light in the

room whatsoever just listening to these

podcasts

um you know smoking weed and I would

feel like

um I have friends

you know I would feel like I wasn't

alone

and uh

even though I had

basically no one

um

it didn't matter to me it didn't matter

to me at all

and um

you know

time goes by a little bit

and I get on that devil medicine called

HRT at some point like around

um

like

18 like just just a bit before I turned

19 actually

so like I turned um

19 in February or February in April uh

and I turned 19 in April

and then I got on HRT in late December

of that year

I didn't really notice like significant

effects until like February or March

that's why I was getting the dates mixed

up

and uh

um

I would try to smoke weed or consume

cannabis in different ways

and I literally had a psychotic episode

if I went from this euphoric relaxing

type of experience to literal psychosis

and I was hallucinating I was seeing

things that weren't there I was hearing

things that weren't there

I was experiencing delusions

um

and it was basically like simulated

schizophrenia

and

that was the first time I ever had

anything like that

because again like I had only had like

basically just

exclusively positive experiences with

cannabis

and then

all of a sudden this happens

and I'm like what's going on here

um

but estrogen was going on there I had

way too much of it I basically nuked my

testosterone

and the exact same thing happened to me

that happened to a dog in the nuclear

testosterone

male dog and he neuter them they don't

have enough of it they get depressed

they lack motivation and they can get a

whole assortment of mood problems if

they don't then they're basically just

laying around all the time sad but in

humans it's it's more likely to you know

cause these mood problems like if you're

a biological male and your hormones are

out of balance

um you know if your hormones are in

female ranges you'll probably be fine

but my hormones it's safe to say my

hormones were out of power

and uh

I I basically just went nuts

um I I took the stuff I was able to take

before

and I went insane

um

and uh

I I mean that that scared me off of it

pretty much completely

um

I did lsv once while I was on HRT

I did

math once when I was on HRT

but that was basically it

um not really any other drugs

well I guess I did I guess I did um

benzos like two or three times

um

and then like like basically less than

five times with cannabis

and that was that was all the drugs I

ever used on Instagram

and I mean it was because it made it to

where they either didn't work like I

would take them and my liver just

wouldn't metabolize it

um

or it just cause these like hugely

negative reactions or I got deeply

paranoid about like you know if I take

these drugs it's going to ruin the

transition and I won't be able to find a

wealthy guy to take care of me

and

I I won't be able to

um you know be able to ascend my

impoverished position I'll just be

forever alone and

um you know basically be homeless like I

had all these ideas buzzing around in my

head so I saw like getting this

transition thing correct as like an

existential matter like this is the

difference between me being in like a

tent

and me

um being happy and well not happy I

didn't think I would be happy like that

ever at any point

um but uh you know me being able to live

like me being able to survive

um

so being able to pass as well as

possible was like this existential thing

to me and so I didn't smoke cigarettes I

didn't do drugs I didn't

um smoke weed I didn't drink

and I stayed away from all of that stuff

more or less I mean to some people in my

audience like mess one time and lse one

time would probably seemed like a lot

but to me that's like basically zero

drug use that's like almost nothing

um you know I was yeah to me doing that

one time

um like was basically nothing because

before I was doing like I mean I was

doing these Chinese research chemicals

like I was smoking spice like I was

drinking every day I was smoking weed a

lot of days

um I I was you know I was doing

oxycodone Kratom like

basically everything under the sun a lot

of a lot of PCP

um

it was a lot of nonsense basically there

was I was this was my nonsense Arc

and

um

I guess basically what I'm saying here

is those two instances it was like a

huge Improvement for me

to only do that

and uh

now

you know after those like couple really

scary experiences with cannabis

on HRT

I feel like I've basically never

recovered like there was a time when I

thought I was recovering when I when I

was doing

um this Delta 8 stuff I literally did 50

milligrams of Delta a THC

at once

like laying on a chair

at someone's house

um during a time when I was just I mean

I was doing all kinds of stuff like I

was doing these Chinese research

chemicals like I was doing

um all this ketamine and and

um like I was basically taking I had

basically been taking benzos every day

for like a month at that point

um and I was doing a lot of math at that

time

and uh

I I had taken this edible with like

virtually no tolerance for

THC stuff

um and I was terrified for like two

hours of the experience

and then and then what happened

was

miraculous I I just felt no fear

whatsoever what was going on

and um

all of a sudden I was like okay I'm not

afraid of using cannabis anymore you

know I don't have to

um I don't have to drink alcohol to

enjoy this I don't have to take benzos

to enjoy this

you know all of a sudden I I felt like I

could do it

um

and now I still more or less feel the

same way

that I did

when I was on the HRT or when it was

slightly less bad like right when I was

getting off of it

because there was a period of time right

when I was getting off of it when I

could still kind of enjoy it like I

remember like the relationship I was in

at the time was basically in shambles

uh he and I were aware that it was about

to end

and we were just kind of trying to keep

it going for as long as possible

and uh I was just watching these Vice

documentaries constantly and smoking

weed all day at that time

um and that honestly that was pretty

comfy even though I don't look back on

that time fondly at all

um

that was probably the only good thing

going on then

so there was like this blip in time when

soaking weeds started to be good again

and then it just went away

like I stopped again for several months

and then like the first time I did it

again

was basically like a couple months ago

after like at that point it had been

like a year since I had last

done it more or less

and I was just like this is terrifying

like what is going on here this is I

just had a little bit and this is

 terrifying

um

and every subsequent time has been like

that

with uh like maybe like two or three

notable exceptions where it was

pleasurable

and it is this that has led me to

believe

that it's just not for me

you know I might have like one puff if

again if I have something else in my

system that can counteract the anxiety

more or less it's just not for me

and

I think that's okay in fact I think

that's good I mean we're seeing

these in-depth

studies come out

that basically say the thing that we've

always known which is that heavy use of

this plant can cause all kinds of mental

health problems in young people

as in people under 25

and um I mean that should be looked at

that should be considered

and uh

I mean do whatever you want but

um

I just don't really think it's for me