Please look at the following story text and suggest ways to improve it: The Earth Space Transit Dock (ESTD) hung vast in its orbit around the Earth. No facility came close to its enormity or its facilities. Ships of all classes used the ESTD; some even found a permanent home there.
The last of the O’Neil cylinders named Tamstone Cylinder. From the observation window, young women looked out across the gulf of space at the ESTD.
At twenty-three, the service's youngest fleet captain is the youngest in the service's history to command a CAG-Nomec 2032 Interseller freighter. Jade McConnell worked for Stanner’Tec Freight Lines, the largest such company in the Civilian Mercent Fleet.
The Star Raptor was clearly visible. Assigned the same berth, number eleven, when docked at the ESTD. The underside of her hull illuminated the pale blue of Earth’s atmosphere. Was The Place McConnell truly called home?
Laid up for eight long months. Her ship, the Star Raptor, was in for a mandatory cycle of repairs. This, along with her ship being without a load, were among her many pet peeves.
Amongst others are the so-called ‘Jackers’ a term used to describe people connected to the hive mind.
In its infancy, people literally jacked in using a jack cable that went into a port at the base of the skull.
Time went on, and technology improved. They replaced the jack and port with a smaller patch-like device at the base of the skull.
This "hive mind," as it was called, was a collective consciousness. McConnell herself had a link device, though she only used it occasionally at work.
Born on Earth Captain McConnell detested it and longed for peace. Earth had too much noise, like sentient robots and the rest, to make her retire to an out-of-the-way asteroid colony in some sector few had ever heard of.
McConnell had not seen her mother in years, who was queen of her tribe in Tanzania. Her sister by adoption, Lux, was the princess of that tribe. In reality, Lux could have been anything. Because her intelligence rating is unmeasurable. Though she thinks of herself as average, Lux, if they summed her up, would be elegant, graceful, and painfully beautiful to look at. Wise and radiating power without needing to express it.
For Fleet Captain McConnell, paying a visit as soon as she could was a priority. Though passing through quarantine. (at three months' duration) was not something she liked,
In the year 6050 AD, it was unusual for there to be any traditional monarchies left. The Am-Waw-Nee-Ko’nah People had existed since the Middle Bronze Age (1500–1200 B.C.). It accorded them the status of a specially protected group. Meaning they could hunt (without exceeding quotas) and exercise other traditional practises.
The time had come; enough was enough.
The morning of August 4th was overcast and grey. There was a light breeze outside, enough to move lighter tree branches. Not enough to make it cold: 'Vid-Com on, Freighter Command New York,' she said.
‘Freight Command, Kamson Speaking’
Eric Kamson, pushing 60 Would have been a racist back when that was a thing, thinning on top with the universe's worst comb-over.
'Ah, Fleet Captain McConnell, Nice ta see Ya, what a pretty sight you are too, me tired eyes!'