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Assistant: Title: Wildest Fantasies Do Not Compare
        Author: NeedingAnOutlet undefined 
        Chapter: 5/28 
        Summary: “I want a chance to earn my friend back.” He took a cautious step into the room. “I am whole-heartedly sorry for what I said! It was stupid and careless, and I wish I could undo it. Please let me make it up to you, to get us back to the confidence we shared before that thoughtless mistake?”Her eyes hardened. “There is no going back, Colin.” She folded her arms across her chest. “I never asked you to court me-”“I know, I-”“I have not finished!”Colin gaped at her. Pen could be sharp in her witticisms, and he now knew she could be vindictive and cold when wounded. But he’d never seen her speak with such self-possession before. He bowed his head apologetically and gestured for her to continue.Or...A S3 version based on the synopsis. Show canon. I started writing this about 10 months ago as an outlet during the wait. Took too long (and ended up writing a book) and much of this we now know won't happen. Didn't want to post until it was completed but that's not going to happen before the season drops. So I'm sharing before the trailer in case anyone else is mad enough to get invested in an alternative version and wants to read the ending after we've seen the real deal!
        Contents: Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - Amends
    

    


  

  
  
    
    Chapter 5 - AmendsHis anger had simmered down during the long walk home, leaving an unsettled exhaustion in its wake. The cold of the window against his forehead grounded him as he sipped Anthony’s brandy. It was a senseless watch he kept over the empty Featherington House but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything else.The events of the night repeated on a loop, dragging his emotions on an endless circuitous journey. Severe shame that provoked an urgent need to apologise to Pen. Fretting over how he could warn her about Fife when she wouldn’t even speak to him. Vexation at how she could treat him so dismissively after one mistake, without a chance to explain. Then he’d feel guilty and the cycle started again. It was exhausting.Rising to retire, Colin halted, spotting a carriage pulling up to her house, and pressed closer against the pane to improve his view. In the dim moonlight he recognised Pen, a lone figure stepping down from the carriage. A small hand reached up to her face—was she crying? His mind flooded with dark images of what Fife may have done in his absence.Colin shrugged his jacket back on and hurried out. He was across the Square before he’d even thought how to get admittance at such a late hour. After his earlier behaviour, Briarly might just slam the door in his face. To his surprise, his knock was immediately answered by Penelope herself. His heart throbbed at the sight of her tear-stained face. All the anger and coldness was gone, her expression a resigned weariness that was much worse. She looked so dejected.“Please, Colin.” She sighed, as if the weight of the world was dragging her down. It was so heart-wrenching he couldn’t even find pleasure in her use of his name. “Just go.”“I am so sorry, Penelope!” He stepped up to take her hand. She didn’t grip him back but nor did she pull away. “I never meant to hurt you, you must believe me! You are my oldest, dearest friend and I will do anything to fix this.” Colin stepped closer, pressing her warm hand against his chest, willing her to feel the earnestness in his heart. “Please let me make this right!”She closed her eyes. “I…” Her voice broke. A tear escaped and it took all his strength to resist cradling her cheek and wiping it away. She took a deep breath before meeting his eye once more. “I cannot do this now. I am tired-”“Please, Pen,” he entreated. “We do not have to talk about this but I cannot leave you alone when it is evident you are not well. If something has happened…” She looked away and his anxiety and determination solidified. “Do not ask me to go. I said I would look after you and I mean to.”Penelope sighed again and stepped aside, shutting the door behind him. Colin would’ve taken more encouragement from it except she looked so defeated. He didn't want to be the kind of man who forced his presence on her, admitted only because she had no strength left to resist, but his certainty of her need for protection moved him forward. He followed her to the drawing room but remained by the open door, giving her space as she lit the candles.An uneasy silence fell between them when she was done. Penelope kept her back to him, her head bowed as if deep in private prayer, candlelight whispering over her. The stifling stillness amplified their breathing, a distant ticking clock filling the air with strained heartbeats. Colin had never felt so afraid to speak, conscious that one wrong word might see him thrown out for good.When she finally turned, the coolness had returned, as if the vulnerability he saw on the steps had been locked away, guarded against him. “What do you want from me?” she asked warily.
  To understand I didn't mean anything cruel by my words and forgive me. To see you smile and joke with me again. To talk about our lives over the last eight months. To share our dreams and worries like we used to. To go back to the way things were!
“I want a chance to earn my friend back.” He took a cautious step into the room. “I am whole-heartedly sorry for what I said! It was stupid and careless, and I wish I could undo it. Please let me make it up to you, to get us back to the confidence we shared before that thoughtless mistake?”Her eyes hardened. “There is no going back, Colin.” She folded her arms across her chest. “I never asked you to court me-”“I know, I-”“I have not finished!”Colin gaped at her. Pen could be sharp in her witticisms, and he now knew she could be vindictive and cold when wounded. But he’d never seen her speak with such self-possession before. He bowed his head apologetically and gestured for her to continue.“I never asked to be courted,” she repeated. “But I expected you to treat me with the same consideration and respect when you thought I was not present, as you did when I was. You do not wish to court me, but did you need to laugh at me? To declare I am mad to consider? I must endure the Ton’s mockery on a regular basis, I will not tolerate it from one who claims to be a friend.”“I know, and you should not.” Colin had never felt more ashamed of himself. The picture painted of him tonight was not the man he thought himself to be. “I never intended to mock you.”“Then why did you? Why did you not just say: ‘Penelope Featherington? She is my friend but I have no wish to court her.’ Is that not what you now claim is the truth of your feelings?”“It is the truth!” Good God did he wish he had thought to say that! From her mouth, it was the most reasonable, natural response for him to have given. “I have no idea why they were not the words you heard that night.“I was inebriated, I was not thinking straight. I know that is not an excuse," he added hastily, when she scowled. "I needed the men on side with me. Will Mondrich helped me uncover the truth about your cousin but I had to be quite insulting to him to mask my suspicions. I planned to take those men to his club to make it up to him. That was why I was being so friendly with them. You know I am not usually like that.”Penelope barely seemed to acknowledge this information, a slight furrowing of her brow the only indiction she’d even heard. Colin ran his hand through his hair. She couldn't know how he behaved with men. If he didn’t want to lose her friendship, he'd have to open himself up more. He’d started to relish that intimacy before but her coldness now made it frightening. He took a deep breath.“I was happier than I had ever been, Pen—uncovering your cousin’s ploy, protecting you from him. Then that dance, our sincere conversation. I hated how Fife and his friends were…insinuating something unseemly to it. I only wanted to silence them. They would never understand the kind of special friendship we have—maybe that was why I said it that way?”"Are you asking me, or telling me?""I… " He didn't know how to answer.“If you do not know, how am I supposed to accept your apology? More importantly, how am I to believe you will not do it again?”“Never, Pen!” She jumped at his vehemence. Colin didn’t realise he’d drawn so close to her. “I will never make that mistake again!” He reached for her hand, needing her to feel the proof of his sincerity, but Penelope pulled away. “I am devastated to have hurt you, you must believe me!”“I do believe you are sorry for hurting me, Colin, and I forgive you that.” She stepped back, putting distance between them again. “But we cannot be friends. I cannot trust you—I do not think I really know you.”“No.” Colin blinked back a tear. This could not be the end of their friendship, not after everything they’d shared? There had to be a way he could make things right!“It is for the best. I have things I need to do this season and we…” She paced the room, giving him a wide berth. “A man and a woman cannot be so familiar with each other and avoid speculation. I must think of my reputation.”Fife’s words came back to haunt him.“I know you do not mean any harm by your familiarity, you simply do not see me as a woman. And I erred as well. But I am a woman, Colin. We are not children now. I have been out for two years. If I am to make a match this season, I cannot hide away anymore, behaving improperly with old friends. I must at least try to interact with men who can see me as a possible wife.” Her voice caught in a choked sob and she fell silent, head buried in her palm.Colin wanted to protest her statements and promise greater care in his behaviour, but one sentence commanded his attention more than all the others. “You mean to marry?” He didn't intend to sound so incredulous but she’d never indicated such a desire before. Why the sudden determination? Why throw away their whole friendship for it?“Of course!” Penelope turned on him, planting her hands on her hips, eyes narrowed and lips pinched. “Is that such an incredible idea? Is it so unbelievable, Colin, that some gentleman may be willing to have me?”“I did not mean that!”Penelope scoffed. “That should be your catchphrase!”Colin flushed. Why was she so determined to misunderstand him and assume the worst? He clenched his teeth before he said something stupid, and sought refuge by the fireplace. He had a horrible suspicion this sudden desire was to do with Fife. Colin leaned an elbow on the mantle and rested his head in his hand, trying to calm himself. Her heavy breathing told him she was still irate and they couldn’t afford for him to be as well. When he felt in control of himself again, he turned back to her. She had moved away and was staring out the window.“Pen,” he addressed her tense back, “I sincerely believe you will find love. Any man would be lucky to have you as his wife.” Penelope wrapped her arms around her waist. “I was only surprised because you never spoke of marriage before.” Colin hesitated, reluctant to start the topic of Fife and be the one to hurt her again, if only as the messenger.“I have always wanted to marry.” Her voice was so quiet and wistful, he could only just hear it. “I want my own home, my own children to love, a kind, respectful companion. I need freedom from my mama and sisters and their constant criticism. Freedom to be myself.”It was torturous. The earnest confidence felt so much like last year, as if time had fractured when they parted across the room…back when Colin had started to think they could tell each other anything and be understood and encouraged by the other. And he had no choice but to ruin it.“You will get it, I am certain. All that and more.” He cleared his throat. “But, Pen…please do not think of Lord Fife in this future.”“What!” She spun around, her face a grimace of disgust. “You think I want to marry Lord Fife? Do you really think so little of me?”“Of course not, I think very highly of you. But after tonight, the way you were with him…” Her eyes flashed, daring him to finish that sentence. Colin backed away from the danger and changed tack. “You will have many honest suitors, I am certain. But you must be cautious…there are also men—men like Fife—who dishonour the title of gentleman-”“I am not simple, Colin!” Penelope threw her arms up, exasperated. “I know what I am and how the Ton sees me. You think I am unaware of the game he is playing—feigning an interest, using false words of flattery? And if I did not, do you really think I would ever want a man like that, who has laughed at me so publicly?”Colin winced at his implication in the scene. So much for forgiving me! “Then why did you encourage him and accept the dance?”“I had little choice,” she snapped back. “I was not already engaged, so I could not refuse him.”You had no trouble refusing me before! Colin wisely kept the thought to himself this time.“I may not enjoy dancing with a man like Lord Fife, but at least he noticed me and asked. Thanks to him, my card was not bare. And we all know men follow where another has shown interest.”“So you were just using him to attract suitors?”“I prefer to think of it as a mutual exchange.”Did she not realise how easily someone like Fife could ruin her? And she accuses me of being careless with her reputation! Colin shook his head, trying to keep a firm hold on what came out of his mouth. “So you really have not formed an attachment? You are not in love with him?”“What has love got to do with this? I am talking about marriage—and not to Lord Fife!"“But…Pen! You cannot mean to wed without love?” The idea was abhorrent!“Of course I can.” She shrugged dismissively. “I seek independence and security, like the rest of the Ton. Respectful companionship is all I need.”Well, yes, most of the Ton married for convenience or advantage. But not people like them. “You deserve love, Penelope! You must not settle for less!”She laughed. He’d never heard a colder sound. “We cannot all be Bridgertons, Colin.”He pushed away from the mantle, ignoring her protest. This wasn't Pen. She hadn’t been herself all evening.“Do not-”“You deserve love,” he repeated, grasping her hand.She shook her head, her eyes glistening. “Please stop!”Colin halted at the desperate insistence in her voice. “I am sorry you have been hurt, Pen. By my words, by Fife’s behaviour, by your family-”She twisted out of his grip. “I am not upset because of you or Lord Fife or some childish fantasy about a bl@@dy love-match!” Colin took a step back. He didn't think he'd ever heard her curse before. “You do not understand anything!”“Then what is making you so sad? Talk to me, Pen!”She turned back to the window. “I was really trying tonight. To come out of the shadows, to force myself to interact, to get noticed. I love this dress.” She gave a strangled laugh, gesturing down her bodice “I even thought I looked good and that might make a difference!"He followed her hands. He'd always rather liked her in yellow but this silvery gown highlighted her curves. More woman than girl. She looked like a baroque painting."I cannot even talk to people, how am I to attract a husband? I made a complete fool of myself with every single one of them. It was humiliating!”He'd surely have seen if something terrible had happened? She was more slippery than he'd anticipated but he never lost sight of her for long. Yes, she could be tongue-tied with her shyness but it was rather endearing. Penelope was being too hard on herself. Unless…"Pen, did something else happen when I was not there? Did Fi- did any man do something, or-""For Heaven's sake, Colin, nothing else happened!" She took a heaving breath but even her renewed anger at him couldn't suppress his relief. “I need to get out of this house and I must get married to do it!" She rapped the wall in frustration. "But I am hopeless. They are not the problem, I am! I am not what they want-”Colin gripped her shoulders and turned her to face him. “You are what anyone would want, Pen," he insisted, his hands running to the smooth, soft skin below her sleeves. "You are funny and clever, kind and loyal, sweet and beautiful! You just need to be more confident!”She shook her head. “That is easy for you to say. Handsome and charming, from an influential family. No matter what you do, you will be forgiven, respected and desired. Confidence is second nature to you all. I am a Featherington! You will never know what that means.”Yes, he was blessed with certain advantages, but she was utterly wrong about herself! He lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. “I have seen you confident, Pen, and when you are, you shine.”Her deep blue eyes were shining bright, brimming with emotion. He’d never appreciated how large and magnetic they were. This close, it was like being called to drown in a perfect sea. Her body trembled and he could feel her heat through his clothing.“I may have been more confident with you but I am not with others.”Her lips quivered as she spoke. Her mouth was so full and expressive. He wanted to still her nervousness, to feel the softness of her lips against his own as he took away all her doubts and pain.“Then I will help you.”Penelope jerked back, her eyes wide in astonishment. Colin froze. Good God, he'd been thinking about kissing his friend! She'd finally been letting him back in and, in a moment of confused and ungentlemanly impulse, he'd ruined everything!“You…you would help me find a husband?”
  What?
Colin stumbled back as if she'd struck him. He'd never said that…had he? He picked through the sludge in his mind. He offered to help her be more confident. He wanted to see that Pen again, smiling up at him, sharing barbs, talking about her purpose. He didn't mean… But it was all the same, wasn't it? She wanted to be confident to attract suitors.Colin tensed, his instinct to get as far away from this confusing situation as possible. Only a twisting in his gut told him, if he left now, he could never return. She was going to seek a match. If he let her do it alone, she would distance herself from him again and he would lose her, with no opportunity to keep his promise.“Yes.” Colin cleared his throat. “Yes,” he repeated more assuredly. This was something he could do for her. “If that is what it takes to win back your friendship and trust, I will help you.”'
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