A TELEVISION SET -tuned to a DOCUMENTARY. As an old fashioned World GLOBE rotates in a sea of clouds, the EIFFEL TOWER slowly comes into view over the horizon, dwarfing FRANCE underneath it.

T.V. NARRATOR: Although each of the world’s countries would like to dispute this fact, we French know the truth; the best food in the World is made in France. The best food in France is made in Paris, and the best food in Paris, some say, is made by Chef Auguste Gusteau.

We see images of GUSTEAU: cooking, signing his cookbook, in front of his famous restaurant. Gusteau is in his early forties, but his massive girth makes him look older.

T.V. NARRATOR (CONT’D): Gusteau’s restaurant is the toast of Paris, booked five months in advance, and his dazzling ascent to the top of Fine French Cuisine has made his competitors envious. He is the youngest Chef ever to achieve a five star rating. Chef Gusteau’s cookbook “Anyone Can Cook!” has climbed to the top of the bestseller list. But not everyone celebrates its success.

A tall, gaunt, severe-looking MAN with fish-belly white skin appears on the TV screen. SUPER: ANTON EGO-FOOD CRITIC. Beneath that, in italics, is his moniker: The Grim Eater.

EGO: Amusing title, “Anyone Can Cook”. What’s even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I, on the other hand, take cooking seriously and no-- I don’t think “anyone” can do it...

TITLES (OVER BLACK): The SOUND of wind rattling barren branches... WALT DISNEY PICTURES PRESENTS A PIXAR ANIMATION STUDIOS FILM ...and we FADE IN to reveal:

FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE - LATE AFTERNOON A light rain falls on a SMALL FARMHOUSE. The last remaining dead leaves tremble in the gusts. The quiet is shattered by a LOUD GUNSHOT that lights up the inside of the cottage. CAMERA pushes down and in toward a single window.

RATATOUILLE As we move closer, we begin to hear muffled SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE; furniture being bumped, dishes breaking, an indescribable CRASH, followed by an OLD LADY’S SHRIEK. We’re close to the WINDOW now, when it is suddenly SHATTERED by a COOKBOOK. Instantly the action FREEZES. Underneath its splayed pages, shielding himself from the shards of splintering glass is, inexplicably, a RAT, named REMY. He’s scrawny, frightened, almost comic. It’s hard not to feel sympathetic towards the little guy.

REMY (V.O.): This is me. I think it’s apparent I need to rethink my life a little bit. What’s my problem?

OUTSIDE THE FARMHOUSE - DUSK - WEEKS EARLIER

REMY (V.O., CONT'D): First of all, I’m a rat.

A SILHOUETTE darts out from behind a wooden barrel, pausing upright against a blood red sky. Mangy, sinister, the opposite of Remy. This is how most humans see RATS.

REMY (V.O.): Which means life is hard.

Assured the coast is clear, the SINISTER RAT scampers out into the yard, followed by DOZENS MORE RATS. The RATS move across the expanse of grass toward a COMPOST HEAP, which sits in the middle of a field under the darkening sky. Resourceful and well coordinated, the rats grab bits of decomposing food and carry it off. REMY is among them, drearily going through garbage.

REMY (V.O.): And secondly-- I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell. (Suddenly he catches a SCENT; which leads him to uncover a nearly untouched piece of PASTRY, a discarded NAPOLEON.)

REMY: (sniffing Napoleon) Flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla bean, small twist of lemon...

(The Napoleon suddenly erupts, and out pops Remy’s pudgy brother EMILE, covered in cream and completely oblivious to the destruction he’s wrought.)

EMILE: Wow! You can smell all that? You have a gift.

(Again the ACTION FREEZES.)

REMY (V.O.): This is Emile. My brother. He’s easily impressed.

(RESUME ACTION: An older rat, Remy's father, DJANGO, comes into view. He snorts dismissively, plucks an APPLE CORE from the compost.)

DJANGO: So you can smell ingredients. So what?

REMY (V.O.): This is my Dad. He’s never impressed. He also happens to be the leader of our clan.

(Remy catches another scent and FROWNS; this new scent is different somehow, wrong. He follows the scent to Django)

REMY (V.O.): So what’s wrong with having highly developed senses?

(Django is about to eat the APPLE CORE when Remy lunges at him, snatching the core from his hands.)

REMY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! DON’T EAT THAT!!

DJANGO: What's going on here?

(SHED - MINUTES LATER Still holding the APPLE CORE, Remy sniffs the air, following a scent to a tarp in the corner. He lifts it, REVEALING: a can of RAT POISON. The other rats REACT. Django’s impressed.)

REMY: (V.O.) Turns out that funny smell was rat poison. Suddenly Dad didn’t think my talent was useless. I was feeling pretty good about my gift. Until Dad gave me a job.

(FARMHOUSE - COMPOST PILE - DAY A line of rats file past REMY, holding up rotted scraps of food so that each one passes under his nose.)

REMY (V.O.,CONT’): That’s right… “poison checker”.

(As Remy sniffs with all the gusto of a lifelong DMV employee, the line shuffles forward with each “clean”.)

REMY: (sniffs before each one) Clean... clean... clean-erino... cleaneriffic... close to Godliness...

(The rat under inspection stands there, unsure as to whether or not he’s been approved.)

REMY (CONT’D): ..which means “clean”. You know-- “Cleanliness is... close to--?” (No response. Remy waits, expecting the rat to get his joke. Beat.) ...never mind. Move on... (The rat moves on. Remy rolls resumes his bored inspection.)

( INSIDE ATTIC - LATE AFTERNOON Django & Remy stand on a beat-up chair, overlooking the rat clan as they go about their day.)

REMY (V.O.): Well, it made my Dad proud.

DJANGO: Now don’t you feel better, Remy? You’ve helped a noble cause.

REMY: Noble? We’re thieves, Dad. And what we’re stealing is, let’s face it, garbage.

DJANGO: It isn’t stealing if no one wants it.

REMY: If no one wants it, why are we STEALING IT?!?

(They continue to quarrel. It’s clear this is an old argument.)

REMY (V.O.): Let’s just say we have different points of view.

ATTIC - NIGHT Django and Emile are gobbling up an assortment of RUBBISH, which is in fact dinner. REMY watches them, appalled. He looks down at his own plate in disgust.

REMY (V.O., CONT’D): This much I knew: if you are what you eat, then I only want to eat the good stuff.

(He pushes the rotted food away. Django reacts.)

REMY (V.O.): But to my Dad...

DJANGO: Food is fuel. You get picky about what you put in the tank, your engine is gonna die. Now shut up and eat your garbage.

REMY: If we’re going to be thieves, why not steal the good stuff in the kitchen, where nothing is poisoned?

DJANGO: First of all, we are NOT thieves. Secondly, stay out of the kitchen and away from the humans. It’s dangerous.

REMY (V.O): I know I'm supposed to hate humans, but...

OUTSIDE THE FARMHOUSE - DUSK Remy watches the farmhouse, drawn to the warm light and the sounds emanating from inside. REMY (V.O.) there’s something about them...

FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN

Remy carefully sneaks into the kitchen.

REMY (V.O., CONT’) ...they don’t just survive, they discover, they create. Just look at what they do with food!

The TV is tuned to the same show we saw in the opening. CHEF GUSTEAU is cooking, speaking to the camera. Remy watches.

GUSTEAU (ON T.V.) Good food is like music you can taste, color you can smell. There is excellence all around you. You need only be aware to stop and savor it.

Remy notices a leftover plate of FRUITS & CHEESES. He picks up a small slice of cheese and takes a bite.

REMY (V.O.) Gusteau was right. Each flavor was totally unique.

As Remy closes his eyes his surroundings FADE TO BLACK. A amorphus COLORED SHAPE appears above his head accompanied by a cello bass line.

REMY (V.O., CONT’) Oh, yeah. Amazing. But... combine one flavor with another--

Cheese still in his mouth, Remy takes a bite of the STRAWBERRY.

REMY (CONT’D) -and something new was created.

New COLORED SHAPES and musical signatures appear; swirling and dancing in harmony with the others. A light SNAPS ON, breaking the spell. The OLD LADY has awakened. Remy drops the food and scampers away.

FIELD - DAY

Remy follows a pleasant scent in the air. It leads him to a beautiful MUSHROOM.

REMY (V.O.) So now I had a secret life. The only one who knew about it was Emile.

BEHIND THE FARM HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

Emile is atop a full garbage can, rooting around under the lid. Remy calls up from the tall grass below.

REMY Emile! Psst- hey, Emile--!

Emile looks up, holding the remains of a brown-bag lunch.

REMY (giddy) Look! I found a mushroom! Come on, you’re good at hiding food, help me find a good place to put this!

GRASSY FIELD - LATE AFTERNOON

Remy and Emile walk together; Emile on all fours, dragging the enormous bag he grips between his teeth, while Remy walks upright, carefully cradling his mushroom.

REMY (V.O.) He doesn’t under-stand me, but I can be myself around him...

EMILE Why are you walking like that?

REMY I don’t want to constantly have to wash my paws. Do you ever think about how we walk on the same paws that we handle food with? Do you ever think about what we put into our mouths??

EMILE All the time.

REMY (he shudders) When I eat, I don’t want to taste everywhere my paws have been.

EMILE Well, okay. But if Dad sees you walking like that... he’s not gonna like it.

Remy SNIFFS Emile’s BAG. His eyes LIGHT UP.

REMY What have you got there? He disappears into the bag, RIFLES through it, emerging with--

REMY Cheese?? You found CHEESE? And not just any cheese- Tomme De Chevre de Pays! That would go beautifully with my mushroom!! And! And and and

He sniffs the air, quickly finds a plant nearby. He PLUCKS it from the ground, his excitement growing by the second.

REMY (CONT’D) --this rosemary!! With, maybe with-- He grabs a paw full of grass from the ground, tasting the milky base. Smiling, he squeezes a few drops on the mushroom.

REMY (CONT’D) -a few drops from this sweet grass!

EMILE Well... throw it on the pile I guess, and we’ll--

REMY We don’t want to throw this in with the garbage! This is special! 8. EMILE But we gotta return to the colony before sundown or Dad’s gonna--

REMY Emile! There are possibilities unexplored here. We’ve gotta cook this! Now, exactly how we cook this is the real questi-- Remy STOPS, his gaze locking on the SMOKING CHIMNEY atop the farmhouse roof. He GRINS.

REMY (CONT’D) --ooooohh yeah!

ROOFTOP - LATER
Remy has skewered the mushroom and cheese onto part of the TV antennae, which he has bent over the smoking chimney top, hand turning it like a rotisserie.

REMY The key is to keep turning it, get the smoky flavor nice and even...

Lightning flickers in the far distance, followed a moment later by a RUMBLE of thunder. Emile watches, concerned.

EMILE That storm’s getting closer. Hey, you think that maybe we shouldn’t--

KRAAAK!!! A BOLT OF LIGHTNING hits the TV antennae-- knocking both rats off the rooftop. They make a LONG FALL, landing with a THUD into a the soft dirt. Miraculously, Remy and Emile are alive, their smoking fur sticks out in an electrified frazzle. Remy holds the rod up, keeping the cheesy mushroom-- now transformed by lightning into an amazing, puffed out shape-- completely clean.

REMY (moaning) Whoaaa... ohhh... (idly bites mushroom) ...ohmmmmmnnn you gotta taste this!!! It’s got this kind of-- (smacks lips) --burny, melty-- it’s not really a smoky flavor, it’s a certain-- it’s kind of like a-- (makes a sound effect) --it’s got a-- (sound effect) --kind of taste, don’t you think? What would you call that flavor?

EMILE Lightning-y?

REMY Yeah! It’s LIGHTNING-Y! We’ve gotta do that AGAIN! Okay.

When the next storm comes we’ll go up on the roof. Remy’s eyes suddenly go BLANK with a pre-emptive thought.

REMY I KNOW WHAT THIS NEEDS! Saffron! a little saffron would MAKE THIS!

EMILE Saffron. Why do I get the feeling--

REMY & EMILE (together) --it’s in the kitchen.

FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER

Emile frets, looking nervously at the old lady, still fast asleep in front of the TV. Remy RUMMAGES through her spices.

REMY Saffron... saffron... hmn...

EMILE Not good. Don’t like it. She’s gonna wake up.

REMY I’ve been down here a million times. She turns on the cooking channel-- boom. Never wakes up.

EMILE You’ve been here a million times??

REMY (resumes rooting) I’m telling ya, saffron’ll be just the thing. Gusteau swears by it.

EMILE Okay, who’s Gusteau?

Remy pushes aside some COOKBOOKS, revealing a well-worn copy of “AUGUST GUSTEAU’S ANYONE CAN COOK!” on the shelf.

EMILE Wait-- you.... read?

REMY (guilty) Well, not... excessively.

EMILE Oh, man. Does dad know?

REMY You could fill a book-- a LOT of books-- with things dad doesn’t know. And they have. Which is why I read. (pointed) Which is also our secret.

He resumes rummaging through the spices. Emile FRETS.

EMILE I don’t like secrets. All this cooking and reading and TV watching while we read and cook. It’s like you’re involving me in crime. And I let you. Why do I let you?

FARMHOUSE ATTIC - SAME MOMENT

RATS stream in from a crack in the wall, throwing food from the compost pile on to a heap. DJANGO is at the center, overseeing things. He turns away, distracted--

DJANGO What’s taking those kids so long?

RESUME KITCHEN - REMY AND EMILE

Remy locates a tiny vial of saffron, holds it up.

REMY Ah. Aquila saffron. Italian. Gusteau says it’s excellent. Good thing the old lady is a food lov--

Something on the TV attracts Remy’s attention; the great Chef Gusteau is being interviewed.

REMY --hey! That’s Gusteau! Emile, look--

GUSTEAU (TV) Great cooking is not for the faint of heart. You must be imaginative, strong-hearted, you must try things that may not work. And you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul. What I say is true, anyone can cook... but only the fearless can be great.

Remy grins, nodding in agreement. REMY Pure poetry.

TV NARRATOR But it was not to last. Gusteau’s restaurant lost one of its five stars after a scathing review by France’s top food critic Anton Ego.

Remy drifts closer to the TV, drawn to the shocking news.

TV NARRATOR (CONT’D) It was a severe blow to Gusteau, and the great Chef died shortly afterward, which, according to tradition, meant the loss of another star.

REMY (stunned) Gusteau... is dead?

Suddenly the TV SNAPS OFF! Remy & Emile spin around to see-- the OLD LADY is awake... and WIELDING A SHOT GUN.

REMY RUN!!

Remy and Emile SCATTER! Emile panics, races toward the attic.

REMY NO! You’ll lead her to the colony!

The Lady BLASTS huge holes in the ceiling just behind the scrambling Emile. He LEAPS CLEAR-- and lands on the end of a HANGING LIGHT FIXTURE. The old lady has him. She levels the gun barrel at the helplessly dangling Emile-- 12. REMY hides his eyes. EMILE braces for the end-- CLICK. The shotgun is EMPTY.

The OLD LADY REACTS: WHAT

EMILE REACTS: Huh? I’m not dead?

REMY LOOKS UP: Emile is still alive?

The OLD LADY curses, ejecting the shells. EMILE SEES his opportunity, starts SCRAMBLING to pull himself up onto the light. THE OLD LADY SEES THIS and rushes for more shells. REMY sees an opening and takes off to help Emile. Rifling through her desk drawers, the OLD LADY SPIES REMY coming out of hiding to help EMILE. She REDOUBLES HER EFFORTS to find a box of shells-- EMILE struggles his fat body up to the precarious LIGHT FIXTURE.

EMILE Help! Remy! Help!

REMY Emile, start swinging the light! I’ll try to grab you!

OLD LADY hears Remy calling for Emile, but from her POV all we hear is a SQUEAKING SOUND. OLD LADY finds a SHELL BOX: EMPTY. She YANKS OPEN another desk drawer. REMY arrives at the light fixture, reaches out for EMILE--

REMY Emile! Swing to me!

OLD LADY-- nothing in the drawer, she decides to look in the book shelf, LOOKING BACK to see if the TWO RATS are still together and struggling, still sitting ducks-- Finding no shells in the desk, the LADY goes for the cabinet, LOOKING BACK to the TWO sitting duck RATS. The lady FINDS a fresh box of SHELLS, spilling them in her excitement-- REMY STRAINS to lift EMILE. The LADY drops to her knees, picks up a shell, loading it as EMILE’s feet get purchase. The LADY chambers her SHELL and SWINGS the SHOTGUN AROUND-- The RATS scramble up into a new blast hole at the base of a hanging fixture. It EXPLODES in buckshot! SILENCE... then a loud CRACK-- The lady LOOKS UP: a large FISSURE snakes across the ceiling, connecting the wide circle of SHOTGUN HOLES-

--a massive CHUNK OF CEILING breaks free and comes crashing down-- bringing with it the FLOOR of the ATTIC above, its furniture, and HUNDREDS OF SURPRISED RATS. The Old Lady FREAKS! She runs from the room.

DJANGO EVACUATE!!! EVERYONE TO THE BOATS!

RATS grab assorted belongings as they make their escape. Remy and Emile run with the terrified mob. Suddenly, Remy stops, looks back to Gusteau’s COOKBOOK--

REMY The book!

--and TURNS BACK, rushing into the flood of fleeing rats!

OUTSIDE THE FARMHOUSE

RATS are diving out the windows, streaming through cracks, racing across the grass to the banks of a nearby stream.

BY THE STREAM

The rats run into the tall grass, pulling aside camouflage, REVEALING several WATERCRAFT built from junk. The RATS push them into the water and climb aboard. DJANGO urges them on.

DJANGO GO GO GO! MOVE MOVE MOVE!

INSIDE THE FARMHOUSE KITCHEN

Remy, the last remaining rat, struggles with GUSTEAU’S COOKBOOK. A strange BREATHING SOUND causes him to look up: the LADY is back, now sporting a World War 2 GASMASK, and GAS CANNISTER. She starts after Remy, SPRAYING GAS everywhere. With a burst of adrenaline Remy hoists the COOKBOOK onto his back and makes a running LEAP through the window--

OUTSIDE THE FARMOUSE

--and lands on the lawn in a shower of glass. It appears the COOKBOOK itself is struggling to catch up to the fleeing rats

Remy: Wait! Wait for me!

(THUNDER CRACKING)

DJANGO Everybody here? We have everybody? Wait a minute- where’s Remy?!

At the shore, Remy throws the book into the water and starts paddling toward the tunnel after the colony.

REMY Right here! I’m coming! I’m coming!

DJANGO Hold on son! (to other rats) Give him something to grab on to! GIT, a huge, muscular lab rat, grabs a SPATULA and hoists it out over the water toward Remy.

DJANGO (CONT'D) Come on boy!

Remy reaches out, desperately paddling with his other paw.

DJANGO (CONT'D) Paddle son! Come on, reach for it! You can do it!

Remy has almost reached the end of the spatula-- BLAM! A BLAST hits the water, sends Remy flying backward. The OLD LADY has taken position at the footbridge above. She FIRES at Django’s boat-- missing as his boat enters the tunnel.

DJANGO Remy!

REMY Dad!

DJANGO Come on, you can make it! You can make it!

Remy climbs back aboard the cookbook and PADDLES into the drainpipe before the LADY can get off a shot. She CURSES.

TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
Remy paddles. Ahead, Django’s BOAT vanishes into the dark.

REMY Guys wait! Stop! Hold up! Wait for me! Hold UP!

Frightened SHOUTS echo into SILENCE.

REMY DAD?? (no response) Dad...?

Silence. Remy strains to see into the darkness. He begins to make out SHAPES; the channel forking into TWO TUNNELS.

REMY Which way...?

He paddles towards the right tunnel, changes his mind, veers toward the left. He paddles, picking up speed. Then he hears-- --a LOW RUMBLE. He stops, suddenly alert. The rumble becomes a ROAR. Remy whirls, PADDLES furiously the opposite direction. He’s headed toward the edge of a waterfall! But it’s too late. Over the edge go Remy and the COOKBOOK, tumbling into the rapids below. Remy is tossed about like a rag doll, buffeted in every direction by the churning water. He struggles for air-- --finally breaking the surface, he GULPS a breath-- --and is PLUNGED back under. The stone walls blur past him as he claws back to the surface. Through the tumult he spies his one chance up ahead-- the COOKBOOK. He swims toward it, finally catching it, he pulls himself aboard. The rapids pass, the waters become calm. He looks back, amazed he’s still alive. He collapses, exhausted.

DISSOLVE TO:
SOMEWHERE IN THE SEWER SYSTEM - NIGHT

A soaked and exhausted Remy has pulled his battered cookbook to the sewer bank. It’s dark and cold, it smells bad, but he’s safe. Maybe the clan will find him. He waits.

LATER

The COOKBOOK has dried out a bit, and there is just enough light seeping through a grate above for Remy to read it.

REMY (V.O.) I waited. For a sound... a voice... a sign. Something...

Remy flips a crinkled page, to a appetizing photo of pastry. His stomach GROWLS. He looks away, turning to a drawing of GUSTEAU on the opposite page. The ILLUSTRATION comes to life; speaking to Remy--

GUSTEAU If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy. Why do you wait and mope?

REMY I’ve just lost my family. All my friends. Probably forever.

GUSTEAU How do you know?

REMY Well, I-- (what is he doing?) You... are an illustration. Why am I talking to you?

GUSTEAU (shrugs) You just lost your family. All your friends. You are lonely.

REMY Yeah, well, you’re dead.

GUSTEAU Ah... but that is no match for wishful thinking. If you focus on what you’ve left behind you will never be able to see what lies ahead.

Now go up and look around. Remy looks up, considering the streets above. He looks back to the illustration. Gusteau has resumed his frozen pose. Remy decides to go.

WE FOLLOW REMY as he scurries up into a BUILDING-- between walls, through pipes, under floors, allowing GLIMPSES into the HUMAN world around him. Remy moves through a crack, emerges into--

APARTMENT KITCHEN

In the next room A PARTY is in progress. Remy spies a loaf of BREAD. Famished, he grabs it, prepares to take a bite when- --a SPRITE in the form of GUSTEAU appears, smaller than Remy, glowing and semi-transparent.

GUSTEAU What are you doing?!! REMY (startled, defensive) I’m hungry! I don’t know where I am and I don’t know when I’ll find food again...

GUSTEAU Remy. You are better than that. You are a cook! Cooks make. Thieves take. You are not a thief.

REMY (reconsidering) But I am hungry...

GUSTEAU Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook...

The GUSTEAU SPRITE VANISHES. Remy shakes it off. He puts the bread down, denying his growing hunger, and moves on.

BETWEEN THE WALLS

Remy MOVES, following his exceptional nose. We see glimpses of many French lives; A PAINTER carefully paints a nude model we can’t see-- An DOG barks aggressively, warning Remy away from his flat-- A LOVERS QUARREL. Remy watches from above, through a crack in the ceiling; SHE shakily waves a pistol at a defiant HE.

QUARRELING WOMAN You think I am playing, Francois? You think I am PLAYING??

QUARRELING MAN You don’t have the guts!

Losing interest, Remy moves on. A BULLET splinters the floor in front of him. Remy rushes back to the crack and SEES-- --the couple struggling with the smoking gun. The MAN wrenches it free, it clatters to the floor. They glare at each other, blood in their eyes-- --and KISS. Remy rolls his eyes and moves on, through dark, tight spaces... into a pipe and emerges onto--

OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - ROOFTOPS - DUSK

CAMERA follows as Remy scampers along railings and ledges, past windows, up vines, BOOMING UP as the ROOFTOP FALLS AWAY

TO REVEAL--

A STUNNING PANORAMA; PARIS AT NIGHT.

It is GORGEOUS-- a vast, luminous jewel. Remy is GOBSMACKED.

REMY Paris? All this time I’ve been underneath PARIS? It’s beautiful.

Remy’s takes in the sea of shimmering lights... then sees a HUGE SIGN atop a building several blocks away. It’s GUSTEAU-- a frying pan in each hand. The SIGN marvels at the panorama.

GUSTEAU SIGN The MOST beautiful.

REMY Gusteau’s? Your restaurant?? You’ve led me to your restaurant!

GUSTEAU SIGN (not entirely sure) It seems as though I have. Yes. There it is! I have led you to it!

REMY I gotta see this...

Remy heads off toward the restaurant.

KITCHEN - GUSTEAU’S RESTAURANT WAITERS and COOKS bustle back and forth preparing elaborate meals with energetic precision; the complex dance of Haute Cuisine. Professional cooking at its finest. While the COOKS range wildly in age and nationality, only one is female; a French cook in her late twenties named COLETTE. A small, nasty-looking MAN sporting a thin mustache and a toque almost as large as the rest of him, ENTERS. This is the head Chef, SKINNER. Several COOKS call out greetings to him. He looks annoyed as LA ROUSSE nudges him.

LA ROUSSE Hey boss! Look who’s here! This is Linguini, Renata’s little boy.

La Rousse gestures to LINGUINI, a gawky young man with a unruly mop of red hair sitting on a stool in the corner. He jumps up and awkwardly approaches Skinner.

LA ROUSSE (CONT’D) All grown up, eh? You remember Renata, Gusteau’s old flame?

SKINNER (distracted) Ahh yes. How are you, uh...

LA ROUSSE Linguini.

SKINNER Yes. Linguini. So nice of you to visit. How is--?

LINGUINI My mother.

SKINNER Yes.

LA ROUSSE Renata.

SKINNER (impatient) Yes. Renata. How is she?

LINGUINI Good. Well, not g-- she’s been better... I mean, uh...

HORST She died.

SKINNER Oh. I’m sorry.

LINGUINI Don’t be. She believed in heaven so she’s... covered... (awkward) ...you know. Afterlife wise.

Skinner stares at Linguini for a long, perplexed moment. Linguini suddenly hands a sealed envelope to him.

SKINNER What’s this?

LINGUINI She left it for you. I think she hoped it would help. Me. Get a job. Here--?

LA ROUSSE Of course, Gusteau wouldn’t hesitate. Any son of Renata’s--

SKINNER (cutting him off) Yes. Well, we could file this, and if something suitable opens up--

LA ROUSSE We’ve already hired him.

SKINNER (outraged) What?! How dare you hire someone without my

HORST We needed a garbage boy.

Skinner processes this, calming as he does.

SKINNER Oh. Garbage. Well... (to Linguini, thin smile) ...I’m glad it worked out.

Skinner disappears into his office, which once belonged to the great Gusteau himself. Linguini turns back to the other cooks, who are already handing him his work clothes.

ROOFTOP - ABOVE GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER

Remy and the Gusteau sprite look down through the SKYLIGHT into GUSTEAU’S kitchen. Remy watches, rapt as the CHEFS scurry about, preparing the gourmet meals.

REMY I can’t believe it. A real gourmet kitchen and I get to watch.

GUSTEAU You’ve read my book. Let us see how much you know. Which is the Chef?

Remy points out SKINNER, who is berating another cook.

REMY That guy.

GUSTEAU Very good. Who is next in command?

REMY The Sous Chef... there. (points out HORST)

The Sous is responsible for the kitchen when the Chef’s not there.

REMY’S POV: ISOLATING THE COOKS as Remy points them out.

REMY (O.C.) Saucier; in charge of sauces, very important. Chef de Partie, DemiChef de Partie-- both important... (pointing) Commis, Commis, Commis... they’re cooks. Very important.

GUSTEAU You are a clever rat. Now-- who is that?

Gusteau is pointing at the garbage boy LINGUINI, who is clumsily steering a mop and bucket through the kitchen.

REMY Oh... him? He’s nobody.

GUSTEAU Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.

REMY (dismissive) He’s a Plongeur or something.

Washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.

GUSTEAU But he could.

Below, LINGUINI accidentally knocks over the pot of soup, spilling it. Remy gives Gusteau a patronizing chuckle.

REMY No.

What WE SEE, but Remy doesn’t: desperate that no one notices his mistake, Linguini quickly replaces the pot on the burner, and MOPS up the floor.

GUSTEAU How do you know? What do I always say? “Anyone can cook”.

REMY Well, yeah. Anyone can. That doesn’t mean that anyone should.

GUSTEAU Well that is not stopping him. See?

Remy watches aghast as Linguini quickly chums some water from another pot into the soup to refill it to it’s former level, haphazardly throws in a few spices and vegetables.

REMY No! This is terrible! He’s ruining the soup! And nobody’s noticing?! It’s your restaurant! Do something!

GUSTEAU What can I do? I am a figment of your imagination

REMY But HE’S RUINING THE SOUP!

We’ve got to tell someone that he’s the skylight suddenly gives way, and Remy PLUNGES down--

23.

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN

With a SPLASH Remy lands in a sink filled with soapy dishwater. He paddles to the surface, climbs onto the counter and tumbles over the edge, hitting the floor with a SPLAT.

KITCHEN FLOOR - UNDER THE COUNTER - CONTINUOUS

Remy HIDES. GIANT FEET (belonging to busy COOKS) boom by on either side. Surrounded by the enemies of rat kind, Remy is PETRIFIED. From REMY’S POV the kitchen is a terrifying place; full of FIRE and NOISE. He runs out from under the counter. The door to the walk-in OPENS, knocking Remy across the floor and under the stove. Above him rows of burners IGNITE. He races across a walkway, under another counter and out the other side, nearly run over by a DINING CART. REMY dives underneath it, using it to cross the kitchen camouflaged. Sticking his head out, Remy spots an OPEN WINDOW on the far wall: a way out! He runs for it, climbing up a dish rack to the counter. He is nearly to the OPEN WINDOW. He scrambles up onto a copper pot toward it, but the lid slips and he falls inside. He LOOKS UP.

REMY’S POV: OUT FROM UNDER THE POT LID

--the window is MOVING AWAY. What’s happening?!

WIDEN TO REVEAL--

--the POT is being carried away by one of the COOKS. The chef sets the pot down near a stove and exits. As Remy heads back toward the window, a wonderful SCENT hits his nose. He SNIFFS, following it to a PAN filled with vegetables. Enticed, he crawls inside, and it is only then that he notices the LARGE TURKEY-- moments before a COOK picks up the pan and slides it into the oven! Remy barely escapes before the oven door CLOSES, SPRINGING from the oven to another passing trolley, which bursts into--

24.

THE DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Remy is wheeled into the plush hush of the restaurant, and pulls up to a table of well-dressed DINERS. A WAITERS HAND reaches down for a peppermill, grabbing REMY instead-- --which startles both of them. The HAND instantly RELEASES Remy, who quickly leaps on to another passing trolley, the one heading back to the kitchen.

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Remy jumps off the trolley and hides. He looks up at the window --

REMY’S POV

--the WINDOW has been CLOSED! Linguini crosses into his view and tastes the soup. It’s horrible, so horrible that-- --he runs to the window, opens it, SPITS the soup out into the alley and exits-- LEAVING THE WINDOW OPEN.

RESUME REMY

He sees his opening and runs for it, climbing a broom handle to a shelf above the stove that leads to the OPEN WINDOW. Dodging jars of spices he runs through the steam from the soup bubbling directly below. It’s so disgusting that-- --without thinking, he grabs a spice from the counter, throws a dash in. He starts for the window-- thinks better of it, adds some leeks, adds some pepper, starts back to the window-- --and STOPS. His gaze returns to the boiling pot. He looks back at the kitchen: the cooks haven’t noticed him. He looks at the window: it is still open, and the path to it is clear. The GUSTEAU SPRITE APPEARS--

GUSTEAU Remy! What are you waiting for?

REMY Is this going to become a regular thing with you?

25.

GUSTEAU You know how to fix it. This is your chance...

Remy considers this. Then, filled with purpose, he jumps to the stove top, turns the burner down, hops up to the spigot to add water to the soup. Quickly losing himself, Remy proceeds to remake the soup, alternately smelling, tasting and adding ingredients to it. He grabs a pawful of spices to toss in and SUDDENLY SEES-- --LINGUINI, wide-eyed and brandishing a ladle. They STARE at each other for a long moment, deer caught in each others headlights. Remy drops the spices into the soup.

Skinner (OS) The soup! Where is the soup?

The two STARTLE; Remy tries to run for the window. Linguini slams a collander over him, both hiding and trapping him.

Skinner: Out of my way! Move it, garbage boy!

Skinner spots the ladle in Linguini’s hand. He seizes Linguini by his collar.

Skinner: You are cooking? How dare you cook in my kitchen!

Remy starts to push the collander toward the open window.

SKINNER Where do you get the gall to even attempt something so monumentally idiotic? I should have you drawn and quartered! I’ll do it! I think the law is on my side! (calling out) Larousse! Draw and quarter this man! After you put his head in the duck press to squeeze the fat out of his head!

As Skinner berates Linguini, LALO ladles the soup into a tureen, which he takes to the pass. Linguini watches helplessly as the waiter MUSTAFA carries his soup out to the dining room.

LINGUINI * Oh, no... no no, ohhhh nooo--

SKINNER What are you blathering about?!

26.

LINGUINI * (points, dumbstruck) -but don’t let- th-- sou... soup--!

SKINNER Soup? * (suddenly understands) * Stop that soup! Noooo!

But Mustafa is gone and it is TOO LATE. Skinner anxiously looks through the door windows into the dining room--

SKINNER’S POV: THE DINING ROOM

--the soup is served to a WOMAN DINER. She tastes it, REACTS visibly, and motions for the waiter.

RESUME KITCHEN - GUSTEAU & SKINNER

Wilting, Skinner turns his building rage toward Linguini.

Skinner: Linguini! You’re fired! F-I-R-E-D! Fired!

MUSTAFA, the waiter, sticks his head through the doubledoors, speaking low to Skinner.

MUSTAFA She wants to speak to the Chef.

Color drains from Skinner’s face. He sighs, heads out into the dining room to take his medicine. Linguini creeps toward the exit, but is collared by the Sous Chef HORST. On the counter, Remy inches the collander towards the window. Colette sticks a spoon into the soup and tastes. It’s GOOD. Mustafa and Skinner re-enter from the dining room, Skinner’s face a riot of bewilderment.

COLETTE What did the customer say?

MUSTAFA It wasn’t a customer. It was a critic.

COLETTE (fearful) Ego??

SKINNER (dazed) Solene LeClaire...

27.

COLETTE LeClaire? What did she say?

MUSTAFA She liked the soup.

UNDER THE COLLANDER

The GUSTEAU SPRITE stops Remy.

GUSTEAU Wait--

REMY What do mean “wait’? You’re the reason I’m in this mess!

GUSTEAU Someone is asking about your soup!

RESUME SCENE

The bustle of the kitchen has STOPPED DEAD as Skinner tastes the soup. His eyes betray a truth; the soup is delicious. And he HATES that. He turns to Linguini, his face DARK.

SKINNER What are you playing at?

LINGUINI (totally confused) I, uhm, didn’t-- am I still fired?

COLETTE You can’t fire him. SKINNER (wheels on her) What!?

COLETTE LeClaire likes it. She made a point of telling you so. If she writes a review to that effect, and finds out you fired the cook responsible--

SKINNER He’s a garbage boy...

28.

COLETTE --who made something she liked. How can we claim to represent the name of Gusteau if we don’t uphold his most cherished belief?

SKINNER What belief is that, Madamoiselle Tatou?

COLETTE Anyone can cook.

UNDER THE COLLANDER

The Gusteau sprite NUDGES Remy.

RESUME SCENE

The other COOKS murmur their assent. The turn of the tide isn’t lost on Skinner. His face softens into an icy smile.

SKINNER Perhaps I’ve been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters who are we to deny him?

UNDER THE COLLANDER

Remy’s totally absorbed in this conflict. A COUGH causes Remy to looks up: the GUSTEAU SPRITE gestures at the window.

GUSTEAU You were escaping?

REMY Oh, yeah.

Remy resumes pushing toward the window.

BACK TO SCENE

Skinner turns to Colette, gives her a withering smile.

29.

SKINNER Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you should be responsible for it.

Colette’s face falls. Skinner turns to the other cooks.

SKINNER Anyone else? Hmm? (they look away) Then back to work!

The cooks resume their work. Skinner wheels on Linguini.

SKINNER You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention.

Off to the side, REMY has almost made it to the window.

SKINNER (CONT’D) They think you might be a cook. But you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... (Gasps, sees Remy escaping) --RAAAAT!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

REMY RUNS. The OTHER COOKS come after him. Skinner SWINGS a MOP at Remy, breaking dishes and blocking his escape. HORST Get the rat! SKINNER Linguini! Get a something to trap it in!!

HORST It's getting away! Get it, get it, get it! Linguini CLAPS a jar over Remy. Seals it. LINGUINI [has trapped Remy in a jar] What should I do now? SKINNER Kill it! LINGUINI Now?

SKINNER No, not in the kitchen! Are you mad? Do you know what would happen to us if anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen? They’d close us down!! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is. Take it away from here. Far away. Kill it, dispose of it. Go! Linguini nods and quickly EXITS the kitchen’s back door.

ALLEY BEHIND GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Linguini hops aboard a bicycle and peddles into the gloom, carrying Remy in the jar with him.

ALONG THE SEINE - NIGHT

The waterfront, normally so beautiful, seems dark and forboding this night. Linguini slows his bicycle and pulls up under a street lamp near a bridge underpass. He climbs off the bicycle and prepares to drop the jar into the water. Remy is PETRIFIED. His heart racing, he presses his paws against the glass, staring at Linguini with terrified eyes. Linguini HESITATES... then PULLS BACK, shouting at Remy.

LINGUINI Don’t look at me like that! You aren’t the only one who’s trapped. They expect me to cook it again! (Remy looks up: HUH?) I’m not ambitious, I wasn’t trying to cook, I was just trying to stay out of trouble. You’re the one who was getting fancy with the spices! What’d you throw in there? Oregano? (Remy SHAKES HEAD: “NO”) No? What, rosemary? (Again, Remy shakes head) That’s a spice, isn’t it? Rosemary? (At this Remy NODS) You didn’t put rosemary in there?

Remy shakes his head. Linguini SLUMPS down on the bank, sets the Remy jar next to him.

LINGUINI I need this job. I’ve lost so many. I don’t know how to cook and now I’m talking to a rat as if you actually understand what I’m say-- (sudden realization) --did you NOD?? You UNDERSTAND ME??

31.

SKINNER (cont'd) (MORE) (Remy NODS) So I’m not crazy. Wait a second, wait a second. I can’t cook. Can I? (Remy shakes his head) But you can. Right? (Remy thinks uncertainly) Don’t be so modest, you’re a rat for Pete’s sake. Whatever you did, they liked it. (lost in thought) Yeah. This could work. Hey, they liked the soup--

With an expansive gesture Linguini accidentally KNOCKS REMY’S JAR INTO THE SEINE. Horrified, Linguini DIVES IN after it.

JUMP CUT TO: ALONG BANKS OF SEINE - MINUTES LATER

Linguini sits on a bench, soaking wet, the jar with Remy successfully retrieved and sitting next to him.

LINGUINI They liked the soup. You think you could... do it again? (Remy NODS) I’m gonna let you go. But we’re together on this. Right? (Remy NODS again) Okay.

Linguini sets the jar down on its side and carefully OPENS the lid . Remy looks up at him... and TAKES OFF, escaping into the darkness. CACKLING as he runs, Remy LOOKS BACK at REMY’S POV: PULLING AWAY FROM LINGUINI --who stands forlorn and alone under the bridge.

WITH REMY

He slows to a stop, moved by this pitiful sight. WITH LINGUINI He SIGHS, defeated. Turns sadly to his bicycle. Then a SOUND: the CLICKING of tiny claws on cement. Linguini looks up--

32.

LINGUINI (cont'd) REMY, very cautiously, is coming toward him, back into the light. Remy looks at Linguini... who SMILES.

LINGUINI’S FLAT - NIGHT

Darkness. we hear KEYS fumbling in a lock. Linguini KICKS the warped door a few times, opening it enough to enter, and wrestle his bicycle through. He turns on a light, REVEALING-- -a tiny, odd-shaped room; two doors in the wall; one a bathroom, the other a closet, both tiny. One window, a table with two chairs. Hotplate. A miniscule, ancient refrigerator. A ratty couch doubles as a bed, a portable black & white t.v. rests precariously on one arm.

LINGUINI This is it. It’s not much, but it’s- (he looks around) --not much. (to Remy, shrugs) Could be worse; there’s heat and light and a couch with a TV. So, y’know-- what’s mine is yours.

Remy looks over the new digs. He likes them just fine.

LATER

Fast asleep on the couch, Linguini is bathed in the flickering light from an old and very romantic FRENCH MOVIE on TV. TWO LOVERS stand handsomely in the swirling steam of a soon to depart locomotive, staring into each other’s eyes--

HER (TV) * Are you-- is this... a dream? *

HIM (TV) The best kind of dream. One we can share. *

Tucked in to an OVEN MITT near the window sill, REMY gazes dreamily at the lights of Paris. The romantic MOVIE MUSIC swells, underscoring his emotions.

HER (OS TV) * But why here? Why now? *

HIM (OS TV) Why not here? Why not now? What better place to dream... * than in Paris? *

Remy grins, slowly closes his eyes. Dreaming.

33.

LINGUINI’S FLAT - MORNING

Linguini AWAKENS with a start. He looks up at the oven mitt--

LINGUINI Morning, little Chef. Rise and sh--

--and suddenly realizes REMY IS GONE.

LINGUINI Idiot! I knew this would happen! I let a rat into my place and tell him what’s mine is his?

Linguini yanks open the refrigerator door and looks inside.

LINGUINI Eggs GONE! STUPID! He’s stolen food and hit the road! What’d I expect? That’s what I get for trusting a rats!

Linguini moves around the tiny alcove HE SEES-- --REMY, quite pleased with himself as he cooks omelettes on the hotplate. Two places have been set at the tiny table.

LINGUINI Wh--? Hey. What-- is that for me?

Remy nods and deftly (but with considerable effort) sets the large omelette onto Linguini’s plate. Linguini sits and puts a forkful into his mouth.

LINGUINI It’s good. What’d you put in this? (Remy holds up basil leaf) Where’d you get that?

Remy moves to the window and points to the roof garden of a nearby flat. Linguini looks down at the enterprising rat.

LINGUINI Look. It’s delicious. But don’t steal. I’ll buy some spices, okay?

Remy shrugs and turns to eat. Linguini glances at his clock.

LINGUINI Oh no. We’re gonna be late, and on the first day!

34.

Linguini SHOVES the rest of the eggs into his mouth and grabs his coat. Famished, Remy opens wide, ready for his first bite of food, when Linguini snatches him up---

LINGUINI Ca’mon, little Chef!

--and runs out of the apartment.

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN - MORNING

The cooks are circled around Colette, listening with interest as she reads a review aloud from the morning paper.

COLETTE “Though I, like many other critics, had written off Gusteau’s as irrelevant since the great Chef’s death, the soup was a revelation, a spicy yet subtle taste experience.”

Skinner has ENTERED, and is now stopped in his tracks.

SKINNER (stunned) LeClaire...?

COLETTE Yes...! (resumes reading) ”Against all odds, Gusteau’s has recaptured our attention. Only time will tell if they deserve it.”

IN ALLEY OUTSIDE GUSTEAU’S

Linguini waits outside, Remy in palm, staring uncomfortably at the kitchen entrance, working up the nerve to go inside.

LINGUINI Well, uhm...

Aware he can’t enter the kitchen carrying a rat, Linguini looks half heartedly for places to conceal Remy; under his shirt, up his sleeves, in his sock-- rejecting each in turn. Out of ideas, Linguini slowly opens the top of his pants. Remy looks up at him, APPALLED.

35.

LINGUINI (desperate) Look, I know it’s weird and stupid, but neither of us can do this alone. So we gotta do it together, right? You with me??

Remy gives a reluctant NOD. Linguini glares at the kitchen entrance, psyching himself up--

LINGUINI So... LETS DO THIS THING!!

KITCHEN - GUSTEAU’S

The back door SLAMS OPEN. All heads swing to a slightly crazed LINGUINI standing in the doorway. He wilts a bit with the attention, and attempts to cross inconspicuously to his station, the hidden rat causing a strangely spastic lurch. The other COOKS watch with bewildered amusement. Linguini arrives at his station and looks uneasily at the new TOQUE resting there: his new toque. He swallows, placing it on his head, and suddenly notices Skinner standing there.

SKINNER Welcome to ****. Now... recreate the soup. Take as long as you need, all week if you must.

Skinner EXITS. Linguini looks at his station with dread, a blocked writer facing a blank page.

LINGUINI Soup.

LINGUINI’S STATION - MINUTES LATER

Raw soup stock bubbles at a low boil on the stove. Linguini stares at the variety carefully prepared of ingredients-- herbs, spices, diced vegetables, etc that have been and laid out at his station. He’s completely unsure of where to start. REMY peeks out from Linguini’s collar and examines the scene. He scrambles underneath Linguini’s shirt and across his chest, tickling him. Linguini LAUGHS. Remy’s head pops out from Linguini’s SHIRT CUFF, sees Linguini reaching for a SPICE TIN; the WRONG spice. Remy signals Linguini to stop, but Linguini pays no attention, so--

36.

--Remy gives Linguini’s HAND a NIP. Linguini YELPS-- dropping the entire spice tin INTO THE SOUP. Appalled, Remy gives Linguini an admonishing bite-- Linguini YELPS and CURSES, SWATS Remy in retaliation. Remy scurries to the other arm (GIGGLE) and gives Linguini another nip (more YELPS & CURSINGS). The OTHER COOKS marvel at the strangeness of the spastic, giggling, yelping Linguini. Visibly panicked, the giggling/yelping Linguini TURNS, lurching from his station to the food safe, and closing himself inside.

INSIDE FOOD VAULT - CONTINUOUS

Linguini RIPS his shirt open, exposing his chest and arms, which are covered in angry red BITE MARKS.

LINGUINI AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!! (looks at Remy accusingly) AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!! (gestures at bite marks) AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Remy stares at the nearly hysterical Linguini.

LINGUINI This is NOT gonna work, little chef! I am gonna LOSE IT if we do this any more. We gotta figure out something else. Something that doesn’t involve any biting or nipping or running up and down my body with your little rat feet. The biting; NO. Scampering; NO. No scampering or scurrying. Understand, little chef? (beat) Little chef...?

Remy’s gaze has drifted away from Linguini, to the shelves LOADED with premium food. Remy looks weak with longing.

LINGUINI Oh... you’re hungry.

Guilty, Linguini breaks a chunk from a round of cheese and offers it to Remy, who scarfs it down. Linguini, calmer now, straightens his clothes as he thinks out loud.

37.

LINGUINI Okay... the way I see it; you know how to cook. And I know how... to appear... human. We just need to work out a system so that I do what you want in a way that doesn’t look like I’m being controlled by a tiny rat chef oh WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME? I’M INSANE I’M INSANE I’M INSIDE A REFRIGERATOR TALKING TO A RAT ABOUT GOURMET COOKING I WILL NEVER PULL THIS OFF--

KITCHEN - OUTSIDE FOOD VAULT

Passing the food vault Skinner hears a VOICE from within.

SKINNER Linguini...?

INSIDE FOOD VAULT

Remy, still eating, listens as Linguini pours his heart out.

LINGUINI -we gotta communicate! I can’t be!

checking for a yes or no head shake from a rat then Suddenly the vault door JERKS OPEN. THREE THINGS HAPPEN FAST: 1) Skinner sees a fleeting glimpse of LINGUINI WITH REMY. 2) Linguini HITS THE LIGHT SWITCH-- the room GOES DARK. 3) Skinner instantly FLICKS THE LIGHTS BACK ON to see-- --Linguini standing exactly as before. But Remy is GONE.

SKINNER The rat! I saw it!

LINGUINI A rat? SKINNER (searching about Linguini) Yes, yes, a rat! Right next to you! (stops, suspicious) What are you doing in here???

38.

LINGUINI I’m just familiarizing myself with-- y’know, the vegetables... and such. SKINNER Get out. Linguini makes a hasty exit. Skinner calls out after him. SKINNER One can get too familiar with vegetables you know!

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Linguini speaks to Remy, who he’s hidden under his TOQUE--

LINGUINI That was close. You okay up there?

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy’s surroundings are visible through the thin fabric. He looks up AND SEES they are about to COLLIDE with-- --a WAITER CARRYING A TRAY PILED WITH DISHES. Remy YANKS BACK LINGUINI’S HAIR like horses REINS, CAUSINGLINGUINI

--to jerk backwards in an impossible limbo-arch, pivoting under the tray of dishes-- --and BACK UP AGAIN, miraculously averting disaster. Linguini blinks in amazement: what just happened? He ducks into the--

BATHROOM

LINGUINI removes his toque, looks at Remy in the mirror.

LINGUINI How did you do that??

Still grasping hanks of Linguini’s hair in his paws, Remy SHRUGS. Linguini’s shoulders SHOOT UP to his ears. Startled, Remy drops his arms; Linguini’s shoulders drop.

LINGUINI Whooaah--!

39.

A gleam comes into the rats’ eyes. He JERKS the left hank, causing Linguini’s LEFT ARM to SHOOT UP IN THE AIR.

LINGUINI (marveling) Wow. That’s strangely involuntaREEE

Remy is yanking tufts of Linguini’s hair like a kid with a new toy. Linguini jerks around like a helpless puppet. Remy stops, looks at the panting Linguini in the mirror.

REMY (V.O.) One look and I knew, each of us had the same crazy idea...

LINGUINI’S FLAT - NIGHT (MONTAGE: LEARNING TO COOK)

Using hanks of Linguini’s hair to control Linguini’s actions, Remy pilots Linguini(who is blindfolded to keep him from cheating) through an increasingly complex series of cooking tasks, everything from cutting vegetables to flipping crepes. During this comic montage we see Remy learning precisely how to pilot Linguini, and at the same time, Linguini is learning how to surrender himself to being “piloted”. By dawn, Linguini and Remy have meshed into one finely honed cooking machine.

DISSOLVE TO: KITCHEN - NEXT DAY

Linguini stands off to the side, fretting as Skinner pulls a ladle of soup from a Linguini’s pot and tastes it.

SKINNER Congratulations. You were able to repeat your accidental success. But you will need to know more than soup, if you are to survive in my kitchen, boy.

Colette-- Skinner gestures to COLETTE, who watches with a scowl.

SKINNER (CONT’D) --will be responsible for teaching you how we do things here. Skinner grins and EXITS. Linguini crosses to Colette.

40.

LINGUINI (a little too smooth) Listen, I just want you to know how honored I am to be studying under a

Colette STABS a knife through Linguini’s shirtsleeve, pinning it to the table. Her voice is low, intense.

COLETTE No, you listen! I just want you to know exactly who you are dealing with! How many women do you see in this kitchen?

LINGUINI Well, I hah--- um--

She brings a second knife down through Linguini’s sleeve--

COLETTE Only me. Why do you think that is?

LINGUINI (spooked, sputtering) Well... huh--! I... hoo...

COLETTE Because Haute Cuisine is an antiquated hierarchy built upon rules written by stupid old men, rules designed to make it impossible for women to enter this world. But still I am here! How did this happen?

Linguini burbles in a desperate attempt at nonchalance.

LINGUINI Because... you, ah-- hah...

Colette SLAMS a third knife through Linguini’s sleeve, thoroughly pinning it. Linguini is truly frightened.

COLETTE Because I’m the toughest cook in this kitchen! I’ve worked too hard for too long to get here, and I’m not going to jeopardize it for some garbage boy who got lucky! Got it?

Linguini NODS pathetically. Colette pulls the knife handles out with a single JERK and Linguini topples to the floor. Colette EXITS. Linguini peeks over the counter, dazzled.

41.

LINGUINI Wow...

SKINNER’S OFFICE

Skinner watches as ad man FRANCOIS DUPUIS finishes pitching his campaign for the latest GUSTEAU’S FROZEN FOOD product. The trademark Chef Gusteau art has been re-painted; Gusteau now sports a kimono, coolie hat, and chopsticks. Behind this are similar campaigns for GUSTEAU’S FRENCH PIZZA and GUSTEAU’S MICROWAVE BURRITOS. Skinner is captivated.

DUPUIS “Easy to cook, easy to eat, Gusteau makes Chinese food ‘Chine-Easy!’”.

SKINNER Excellent work Francois, as usual.

DUPUIS It’s good, isn’t it?

Skinner stands, offering a handshake to signal the end of the meeting. As Francois packs up his portfolio, preparing to leave, Skinner straightens the photo of himself with Gusteau that hangs on the wall.

SKINNER I want you to work up something for my latest frozen food concept: “Gusteau’s Corn Puppies”. Like corn dogs, only smaller, bite size!

DUPUIS (starts sketching in pad) What are corn dogs?

SKINNER Cheap sausages dipped in batter and deep fried. You know... American. Whip something up, maybe Gusteau in overalls and Huckleberry Tom hatDUPUIS (displaying his sketch) Or as a giant ear of corn in doggie makeup?

SKINNER Yes, but... with dignity.

42.

Dupuis EXITS. Skinner moves to his desk and the stack of UNOPENED MAIL there, and begins to shuffle through it; bill, bill, bill-- and the PINK ENVELOPE given to him by Linguini. He opens the envelope and reads; his bored eyes growing wider and wider with each line. He GASPS, seizing the phone.

SKINNER Get my lawyer--!

SKINNER’S OFFICE - AN HOUR LATER

Skinner’s lawyer TALON LABARTHE is reading GUSTEAU’S WILL.

TALON The will stipulates that, if after a period of two years from the date of death no heir appears, Gusteau’s business interests-- including the restaurant and the rights to his name and image-- will pass to his Sous Chef. You.

SKINNER I know what the will stipulates! (brandishing letter) What I want to know is if this letter, if this boy, changes anything!

Skinner raises the window blinds, revealing a view of the kitchen and Linguini, who looks unusually awkward among the practiced cooking staff. Talon looks from Linguini to a framed photo of GUSTEAU.

TALON There’s not much resemblance--

SKINNER (drops blinds) There’s NO resemblance at all! He’s not Gusteau’s son! Gusteau had no children! And what of the timing of all this? The deadline in the will expires in less than a month!

Talon drifts around the office, searching for something.

43.

SKINNER (CONT’D) Suddenly some boy arrives with a letter from his “recently deceased” mother claiming Gusteau as his father? Highly suspect!

Talon spies a TOQUE inside a DISPLAY CASE. He turns to Skinner.

TALON This is Gusteau’s? (Skinner NODS) May I?

SKINNER Of course, of course.

Talon carefully opens the display case, removes GUSTEAU’S TOQUE and begins to inspect it.

TALON But the boy does not know?

SKINNER (brandishing the letter)

She claims she never told him--

OR Gusteau! And asks that I not tell!

TALON Why you? What does she want?

Talon spies something on the toque: a HAIR. He pulls a pair of TWEEZERS from his coat, removes the hair, folding it carefully inside a handkerchief, and pocketing it.

SKINNER A job. For the boy.

TALON Only a job?

SKINNER Well... yes.

TALON Then what are you worried about? If he works here you’ll be able to keep an eye on him, while I do a little digging, find out how much of this is real. (getting his coat) I’ll need you to collect some DNA samples from the boy, hair maybe.

44.

SKINNER The whole thing is HIGHLY SUSPECT.

He KNOWS something!!

TALON Relax. He’s a garbage boy. I think you can handle him.

Talon exits. Skinner stands inert, spooked.

KITCHEN

Linguini finishes dicing a red pepper. He sets down his knife, carefully scoops up the small pile of dicings, walks over to a giant pot and drops it in, returning to repeat the procedure. Colette, who has watched this, interrupts--

COLETTE What are you doing?

LINGUINI I’m cutting. Vegetables. I’m cutting the vegetables?

COLETTE No! You waste energy and time!

Colette slides a chair up to the end of Linguini’s prep table and slams the pot down on its seat so that the top is level with the table’s surface.

COLETTE You think cooking is a cute job, huh? Like mommy in the kitchen?

She snatches Linguini’s KNIFE from him with one hand, several vegetables with the other. With frightening speed she dices them; flicking each diced pile into the pot with the knife; dice, flick, dice, flick--

COLETTE Well mommy never had to face the dinner rush when the orders come flooding in and every dish is different and none are simple and all have different cooking times but must arrive on the customers table at exactly the same time, hot and perfect!

Every second counts--

In MOMENTS Colette has completed a ten-minute Linguini job.

45.

COLETTE (CONT’D) --and you CAN NOT BE MOMMY!!!!

TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY

Linguini is cooking. He takes a pan off the burner and sets it to one side, which is already cluttered with utensils. Colette sees the mess and is outraged.

COLETTE What is this!?

Linguini stammers. Colette quickly clears his station, pitching it all into a sink full of dishwater.

COLETTE Keep your station clear. When the meal rush comes what will happen? Messy stations slow things down, food doesn’t go, orders pile up-- disaster!! I’ll make this easy to remember; keep your station clear, or I WILL KILL YOU!

Colette throws towel at Linguini.

TIME CUT: Colette grabs Linguini by the arm and holds up his sleeves, which are smeared with multi-colored STAINS.

COLETTE Your sleeves look like you threw up on them. Keep your hands and arms in, close to the body like this-- (she demonstrates) --see? Always return to this position. Cooks move fast; sharp utensils, hot metal, keep your arms in, you will minimize cuts and burns and keep your sleeves clean. Mark of a chef; messy apron, clean sleeves.

TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY

Linguini and Colette shell peas. Colette’s manner is easier, more collegial.

COLETTE I know the Gusteau style cold. In every dish Chef Gusteau always has something unexpected. I will show you, I memorized all his recipes--

46.

LINGUINI (writing it down) “Always do something unexpected”...

COLETTE No. “Follow the recipe”.

LINGUINI But you just said--

COLETTE It was his job to be unexpected. It is our job to--

COLETTE & LINGUINI

--follow the recipe.

TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY

Colette pulls a loaf from a basket of freshly baked bread and shows it to Linguini.

COLETTE How do you tell how good bread is without tasting it? Not the smell, not the look, but the sound... of the crust. Listen--

She holds the loaf to her ears, Linguini leans in to listen.

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy also LEANS IN to listen. Colette gives the bread a SQUEEZE. The CRACKLE is seductive.

RESUME SCENE

She and Linguini SMILE at the pleasing CRUNCH.

COLETTE (CONT’D)

-a symphony of crackles. Only great bread sounds this way.
TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY - EARLY MORNING

Colette and Linguini have begun their prep. There is a new relaxation between them.

47.

COLETTE The only way to get the best produce is to have first pick of the day, and there are only two ways to get first pick; grow it yourself or bribe a grower.

She gestures to the back door. Outside a PRODUCE SELLER, conversing amicably with La Rousse, sets down a crate of gorgeous fruit and vegetables. La Rousse slips him money.

COLETTE Voila! The best restaurants get first pick.

TIME CUT: Linguini and Colette cook side by side, their manner now as easy and familiar as old friends.

COLETTE People think Haute Cuisine is snooty, so chefs must also be snooty. But not so.

ON LALO, who bobs to radio music as he sautés, cooking with a efficient, yet theatrical flourish.

COLETTE (V.O.) Lalo there-- ran away from home at twelve, got hired by circus people as an acrobat, got fired for messing around with the ringmasters daughter.

CAMERA SWINGS to HORST. He glances about with shifty eyes.

COLETTE (V.O.) Horst has done time.

LINGUINI (V.O.) What for?

COLETTE (V.O.) No one knows for sure. He changes the story every time you ask him.

JUMP CUTS: HORST explains various reasons for incarceration.

HORST I defrauded a major corporation. I robbed the second largest bank in France using only a ballpoint pen. (CUT) I created a hole in the ozone over Avignon. (CUT) I killed a man with-- (he holds it up) --this thumb.

CAMERA MOVES to POMPIDOU. He works dough with expert precision.

COLETTE (V.O.) Don’t ever play cards with Pompidou.

He’s been banned from both Las Vegas and Monte Carlo. CAMERA MOVES to LAROUSSE as he slips into the food safe.

COLETTE (V.O.) La Rousse ran guns for the resistance.

LINGUINI (V.O.) Which resistance?

COLETTE (V.O.) He won’t say. Apparently they did not win.

RESUME COLETTE & LINGUINI

COLETTE So you see, we are artists. Pirates. More than cooks are we.

LINGUINI “We”...?

COLETTE Oui. You are one of us now, oui?.

LINGUINI (surprised, touched) Oui.

They exchange smiles and resume work. PAUSE.

LINGUINI Thank you... by the way, for all the advice about cooking.

49.

HORST (cont'd)

COLETTE Thank you, too.

LINGUINI For what?

COLETTE For taking it.

INSIDE SKINNER’S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Skinner listens to the radio. Suddenly he SITS UP-- HIS POV THROUGH WINDSHIELD: Remy scampers across the alley to the kitchen entrance behind GUSTEAU’S... and into the hands of a kneeling Linguini.

SKINNER The rat!!

RESUME SKINNER

He JAMS the brakes, throws the car into reverse. As Linguini is brought back into view we see that REMY IS GONE. Still kneeling, Linguini holds up a set of KEYS.

LINGUINI (to Skinner, chuckles) I just dropped my keys.

Skinner is BAFFLED.

GUSTEAU’S - DINING AREA - NIGHT

There is noticeably more energy and fewer empty tables in the dining room. Mustafa arrives at a table of FOOD SNOBS.

MUSTAFA Have you decided?

FOOD SNOB #1 Well, the new soup is excellent but

FOOD SNOB #2 --but we order it every time.

FOOD SNOB #3 What else do you have?

50.

MUSTAFA We have a very nice Foie Gras--

FOOD SNOB #1 (impatient) Yes, the old standby, you used to be famous for it. What does the Chef have that’s new?

Mustafa stands there, slack-jawed and blinking.

KITCHEN

Mustafa crashes through the swinging doors in a panic.

MUSTAFA Someone has asked what is new!

HORST New?

MUSTAFA Yes! What do I tell them?

HORST What did you tell them?

MUSTAFA I told them I would ask!

SKINNER What are you blathering about?

HORST Customers are asking what is new!

MUSTAFA What should I tell them? SKINNER What did you tell them??

MUSTAFA I TOLD THEM I WOULD ASK!!!

SKINNER This is simple. Just pull out an old Gusteau recipe, something we haven’t made in a while and--

MUSTAFA They know about the old stuff. They like Linguini’s soup--

SKINNER Linguini? They are asking for food from-- LINGUINI?

LALO A lot of customers like the soup. That’s all we were saying.

POMPIDOU Were we saying that?

51.

An IDEA comes to Skinner. Dark pleasure blooms on his face.

SKINNER Very well. If it’s Linguini they want... He pulls Horst close and speaks to him quietly.

SKINNER ...tell them “Chef” Linguini has prepared something special for them, something definitely “offmenu”. Oh, and don’t forget to stress its “Linguini-ness”.

HORST Oui, Chef.

Skinner turns to Linguini, a big shark-smile on his face.

SKINNER Now is your chance to try something worthy of your talent, Linguini. A forgotten favorite of the Chef’s: “Sweetbread a la Gusteau”! Colette will help you!

COLETTE Oui, Chef.

SKINNER Now hurry up. Our diners are hungry!

Skinner turns to go to his office, a worried La Rousse rushes up to him, speaking in a low, concerned voice.

LA ROUSSE Are you sure? That recipe was a disaster. Gusteau himself said so.

SKINNER Just the sort of challenge a budding chef needs.

Skinner disappears inside his office, humming to himself.

WITH COLETTE & LINGUINI

Linguini looking over Colette’s shoulder as she stares at an old, yellowing recipe card, sizing up it’s ingredients.

52.

COLETTE Sweetbread a la Gusteau. Sweetbread cooked in a salt crust with cuttlefish tenticles. Drizzled with...snail porridge... (with increasing distaste) Douglas fir puree... beetroot mousse and pollen...dried white fungus... and dipped in anchovy liquorice sauce. Huh. Sounds awful.

Colette shrugs it off and turns to Linguini.

COLETTE I don’t know this recipe. But it is Gusteau, so-- (calling out) Lalo! We have some veal stomach soaking, yes??

LALO (O.S.) Yes, the veal stomach, I get that.

LINGUINI Uh-- veal... stomach?

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE - MINUTES LATER

Remy pilots Linguini’s hand to lift the small pot of snail porridge off the burner and up to Linguini’s toque for an obligatory sniff. Remy looks at the porridge, then at the rack of fresh spices. Suddenly Remy pilots Linguini to go for the SPICES, lifting them rapidly one by one up the toque to SNIFF. Remy selects one that smells right and dumps it in the pot. LINGUINI suddenly LEANS FORWARD, tilting his toque over the fragrant STEAM from the simmering pot.

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy takes a WHIFF, likes what he smells. Inspired, he pilots Linguini out into the kitchen. LINGUINI --is alarmed by his sudden ramble, completely unsure of where he’s going, what he’s looking for.

UNDER THE TOQUE

Remy maneuvers Linguini spasmodically past the other cooks stations, wildly sniffing around for the next ingredient, a composer hunting for the next note in a new symphony. He catches a pleasing scent in Lalo’s station-- LINGUINI SNATCHES some SHALLOTS from Lalo, who looks up in SHOCK, but Linguini is already gone, racing back to his station to add the new ingredients to a heating pan. Linguini JERKS forward, tilting his toque over the pan, then PEELS OUT of his station, once again on the move.

KITCHEN -SAME TIME

Linguini ZIPS about snatching ingredients from the other cooks stations, a Porche apologizing for its driver.

LINGUINI (ad-lib to cooks) Pardon me, just need to borrow this real quick-- sorry-- apparently I need this-- I’ll be right back--

To the others, Linguini looks deranged; a man who’s clearly lost control of both his body and his faculties. Linguini careens back into his station and DUMPS the ingredients into his pan, startling Colette--

COLETTE What are you doing? We are supposed to be preparing the Gusteau recipe.

LINGUINI (stirring, flipping pan) I’m, uh... this is the recipe--

COLETTE The recipe doesn’t call for white truffle oil! What else have you-- (she looks in his pan) You are improvising?? This is no time to experiment, the customers are waiting!

LINGUINI You’re right-- (to REMY, nudging toque) --I should listen to you! Linguini suddenly SLAPS his own face, then LEANS his toque over the Sweetbread.

COLETTE Stop that--!

LINGUINI Stop what?

COLETTE Freaking me out! Whatever you’re doing-- stop it!

HORST Where is the special order?

Both Colette and Linguini are working quickly now, but on separate dishes, giving the appearance of a competition.

COLETTE Coming! (Low to Linguini) I thought we were together on this.

LINGUINI We are together.

COLETTE Then what are you doing?

LINGUINI It’s--- VERY hard to explain.

HORST The special??

COLETTE Come get it!

UNDER THE TOQUE

Remy watches anxiously as Colette sets the plate at the pass to be picked up, a hank of hair in each paw, waiting for an opening. Colette glances at the recipe.

COLETTE Oh-- I forgot to add the liquorice!

She rushes back to get it. Remy sees his chance. Linguini finds himself grabbing his pan and hurtling toward Colette.

55.

COLETTE (cont'd)

AT THE PASS

Colette is about to add the liquorice sauce when Linguini swoops in and BLOCKS HER HAND. Colette is STUNNED. Her eyes FLASH at Linguini, who looks petrified, his left hand holds his pan of saute, which trembles over the Sweetbread.

COLETTE Don’t... you... dare.

LINGUINI I’m not, I’m not, I’m--

Linguini dumps his saute over Colette’s dish the moment before it is swept away by the waiter Mustafa.

LINGUINI (CONT’D) --sorry.

Skinner enters, smiling as he walks up to Horst.

SKINNER Is Linguini’s dish done yet?

HORST Ya. It’s as bad as we remember. Just went out.

SKINNER (serene) Did you taste it?

HORST Of course... before he changed it.

SKINNER Good- WHAT? How could he change it?

HORST He changed it as it was going out the door!

Skinner starts toward the door to the dining room, just as MUSTAFA busts through it, excited.

MUSTAFA They love it! Other diners are already asking about it, about Linguini. I have seven more orders! Colette is nonplussed. Skinner FLINCHES, then forces a smile.

56.

SKINNER That’s... wonderful.

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy slaps his paws together, relishing the night ahead.

MONTAGE

Crosscut between the dining room and the kitchen: orders pile up as word of the “special” spreads between diners. Remy pilots Linguini, preparing plate after plate of their hit.

THE KITCHEN - LATER

The dinner rush is over. The cooks congratulate their new comrade Linguini, toasting him glasses of table wine. Skinner watches from across the kitchen, STARING at the boy with a mixture of confusion, envy and resentment. As Linguini pass in front of a light Skinner SEES IT: a strange shadow within Linguini’s toque-- --the SILHOUETTE OF A RAT. Skinner’s EYES going WIDE.

BACK ENTRANCE - GUSTEAU’S

After a quick look around to make sure no one’s watching, Linguini removes his toque and lets Remy out.

LINGUINI Take a break little Chef, get some air. We really did it tonight.

Linguini unfolds a napkin, revealing a miniature picnic; fruit, bread, cheeses. Remy-- pooped but exhilarated-- beams at Linguini, who raises his glass in a salute to the rat. Linguini smiles and turns back inside.

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

We follow Linguini as he crosses the kitchen, humming happily to himself. PANNING INTO FRAME is SKINNER; perched high atop a tray rack, waiting like a cat ready to pounce. He SNATCHES the toque from Linguini’s head--

57.

--and gapes in confusion when he sees nothing on top of the boy’s head. He looks at Linguini and SMILES.

SKINNER (dangling the toque) Got your toque!

Skinner hops to the ground, fluffing the toque with his hand before handing it back to the mystified Linguini.

SKINNER Seriously now, I’d love to have a little talk with you, Linguini... in my office.

LINGUINI Am I in trouble...?

SKINNER Trouble? Nooo... a little wine, a friendly chat. Just us cooks.

Colette watches Skinner steer Linguini into his office.

HORST (to Colette, re: Linguini) The Plongeur won’t be coming to you for advice anymore, eh Colette? (nods to Skinner’s office) He’s gotten all he needs.

He exits chuckling. Colette slowly turns away, stung.

INSIDE SKINNER’S OFFICE

Skinner settles in behind the massive desk that was formerly Gusteau’s. Linguini sits uneasily at a chair facing him, still holding his little glass of wine.

SKINNER Toasting your success, eh Linguini? Good for you.

LINGUINI I just took it to be polite, they were being so nice to me, I don’t really drink, you know--

SKINNER Of course you don’t. I wouldn’t either if I was drinking that--

58.

Skinner plucks the glass from Linguini’s hand, pours it into a wastebasket, and offers up a newly opened bottle of wine.

SKINNER (CONT’D) -but you would have to be an idiot of elephantine proportions not to appreciate this ‘61 Chateau Latour. And you, M’sieur Linguini, are no idiot. (raising his glass) Let us toast your non-idiocy! A votre sante!

They clink... and DRINK.

OUTSIDE KITCHEN - BACK ENTRANCE - GUSTEAU’S

Remy munches contentedly and stares at the starry sky, loving his bread, his cheese, his life. He breaks the top off a grape and-- holding the stem like a wine glass-- slowly sips it into a raisin. Something STIRS behind the trash cans. Remy FREEZES, suddenly alert. Some kind of CREATURE is eating in the shadows. Remy grabs the cheese knife and timidly goes to investigate. The creature LOOKS UP, its glowing eyes fix on Remy. Remy GULPS, raises the knife. The creature LEAPS into the light--

EMILE REMY!

REMY Emile--??

They rush to each other, hugging and laughing.

REMY What are you doing here?! I thought I’d never see you guys again!

EMILE I can’t believe it! You’re alive! You made it! We figured you didn’t survive the rapids!

REMY And what are you eating??

Emile stares at Remy, chewing. He looks down, pondering the unrecognizable wad in his hands for a long beat. He FROWNS.

EMILE I don’t really know. I think it was some sort of wrapper once.

59.

REMY What--? No.

Remy grabs the wad and throws it away with a flourish.

REMY You’re in Paris now, baby. My town. No brother of mine eats rejectamenta in my town!

Remy turns on his heel and marches back into the kitchen.

KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Remy climbs to the pull handle on the FOOD SAFE DOOR and hesitates there. LAUGHTER emanates from inside of Skinner’s office. Remy leaps to the handle and with considerable effort pushes it open, UNLOCKING the massive door. GUSTEAU appears.

GUSTEAU SPRITE Remy... you are stealing? You told Linguini he could trust you.

REMY And he can. It’s for my brother...

GUSTEAU SPRITE The boy could lose his job.

REMY Which means I would, too. It’s under control, okay?

Remy shoves past the Gusteau spite and into the safe. The sprite VANISHES.

INSIDE SKINNER’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Linguini sits back in his chair, looking a bit tipsy.

SKINNER More wine?

LINGUINI I shouldn’t. But okay. He offers his glass to Skinner, who refills it generously.

SKINNER So where did you train, Linguini?

60.

LINGUINI (chuckles, drinking) Train? Alright...

SKINNER Surely you don’t expect me to believe this is your first time cooking?

LINGUINI It’s not.

SKINNER I KNEW IT!

LINGUINI It’s my... (stops, counts on fingers) ...second, third, four-- fifth time. Monday was my first time. (Skinner wilts) But I’ve taken out the garbage lots of times before this, that’s why I--

SKINNER (cutting him off, pouring) Yes yes yes. Have some more wine. Tell me about your interests. Do you like animals?

LINGUINI What--? Animals? What kind?

SKINNER Oh, the usual. Dogs, cats, horses, guinea pigs... (pointed) ...rats.

BACK ENTRANCE - GUSTEAU’S - MINUTES LATER

Remy carries a small bundle of gourmet foodstuffs from the kitchen, only to find Emile again munching on garbage.

REMY I brought you something to-- AGH!! No no NO! Spit that out right now! (Emile does, shamed) I have GOT to teach you about food! Close your eyes.

61.

As Emile closes his eyes, his SURROUNDINGS FADE TO BLACK. Remy delicately holds a hunk of cheese under Emile’s nose--

REMY Now... take a bite of thi--

Emile INHALES it. Horrified, Remy scolds him like a bad pet.

REMY (CONT’D) -NO NO NO! Don’t just hork it down!

EMILE Too late.

Annoyed, Remy hands him another piece of cheese. Emile eats it, this time more carefully.

REMY Chew it slowly... think only about the taste. See?

A vague, grayish BLOB half-forms above his head. It MOVES to undefined MUSIC as Emile struggles to experience the food...

EMILE Not really.

REMY Creamy, salty sweet. An oaky nuttiness? You detect that?

Emile opens his eyes (surroundings reappear), looks at Remy.

EMILE Oh, I’m detecting nuttiness.

REMY Close your eyes. Now taste this. (gives him a strawberry) Whole different thing, right? Sweet, crisp, slight tang on the finish?

The BLOB reappears, but this time with a hint of color.

EMILE Okay.

REMY Now try them together. Uh-huh. See?

62.

Emile eats both together and chews, concentrating. Slowly the weak COLORS become bolder and more complimentary. They begin to dance and intermingle as a little MELODY takes shape...

EMILE Okay... I think I’m getting a little something there. It might be the nuttiness. Could be the tang.

REMY That’s it! Now imagine every great taste in the world being combined into infinite combinations, tastes that no one has tried yet!! Discoveries to be made!

EMILE I think--- you lost me again.

Emile opens his eyes. The SHAPES and SOUND FADE AWAY. Sensing Remy’s disappointment, Emile reassures him.

EMILE But that was interesting. Most interesting garbage I ever-- HEY! What are we doing? Dad doesn’t know you’re alive. We’ve gotta go to the colony!! Everyone will be thrilled!

REMY Yeah... but, uh... thing is, I kinda have to... uh... Remy gestures vaguely at the kitchen. Emile frowns.

EMILE What? What do you “hafta” more than family? What’s more important?

He glares furiously at Remy, whose resolve starts to crumble.

REMY Well, it wouldn’t hurt to visit...

INSIDE SKINNER’S OFFICE - STILL LATER

A few EMPTY BOTTLES of wine litter Skinner’s desk. Linguini is BOMBED, but Skinner’s increasingly desperate inquisition is getting nowhere.

SKINNER Have you ever had a pet rat??

LINGUINI Nope.

63.

SKINNER Did you work in a lab with rats?

LINGUINI Nope.

SKINNER Perhaps you lived in squalor at some point??

LINGUINI Nopety nopety new.

SKINNER I KNOW you know something about RATS! You know you do!!

LINGUINI You know who know do whacka do. Ratta tatta- hey! Why do they call it that?

SKINNER What?!

LINGUINI Ratatouille. There’s a dish called that, it’s like a stew, right? Why do they call it that? If you’re gonna name a food you should give it a name that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like rat. And patooty. Rat patooty! Which does NOT sound delicious.

Linguini drinks, finds his glass empty. He smiles, offering his glass for Skinner to refill.

SKINNER (scowling) Regrettably-- He drops the empty bottle into the trash with a loud THUNK.

SKINNER (CONT’D) --we are all out of wine.

INSIDE SEWER - RAT COMMONS - A LITTLE LATER

Several channels converge into a wide, open area as dreary and uninviting as any sewer, save for a flotilla of tiny BOATS illuminated by a scattering of multi-colored lanterns that answer the gloom with magic. Holding their clasped paws up victoriously, Django turns from Remy to face the assembled crowd of rats.

64.

DJANGO MY SON... HAS RETURNED!

An enormous CHEER erupts. Emile joins Django and Remy as the clan crowds around them. Remy’s joy is clouded with doubt; what about his new life?

RAT ENCAMPMENT - LATER

A PARTY is in full swing. The entire rat clan has come out to bop to boisterous MUSIC played by a jazzy RAT BAND, kicking down the jams in a unique gypsy/jitterbug dance style that takes full advantage of their tails and all four legs. Joined by his sons, Django sits at a prime table. A WAITER RAT quickly serves a round of drinks in well-worn thimbles between them. Emile and Django suck theirs down. Remy takes a discreet whiff and sets it aside.

DJANGO And finding someone to replace you for poison checker has been a disaster. Nothing’s been poisoned, thank God, but it hasn’t been easy. You didn’t make it easy.

REMY I know. I am sorry, Dad.

DJANGO Well, the important thing is that you’re home.

REMY Yeah... well, uh, about that...

DJANGO You look thin. Why is that? A shortage of food or a surplus of snobbery?

Emile joins in as Django cracks up at his own joke.

DJANGO It’s tough out there in the big world all alone, isn’t it?

REMY Sure... but, it’s not like I’m a kid anymore.

65.

A well-wisher drops by to say hello to Django. Remy takes advantage of the distraction to quickly deliver the bad news.

REMY I can take care of myself. I’ve found a nice spot not far away, so I’ll be able to visit often.

DJANGO (resuming conversation) Nothing like a cold splash of reality to make you-- (sudden realization) --“visit”?

REMY I will, I promise. Often.

DJANGO You’re not staying?

REMY It’s not a big deal, Dad. (gently) You didn’t think I was going to stay forever, did you? Eventually a bird’s gotta leave the nest.
DJANGO We’re not birds, we’re rats. We don’t leave nests, we make them bigger.

REMY Maybe I’m different kind of rat.

DJANGO Maybe you’re not a rat at all.

REMY Maybe that’s a good thing.

EMILE (trying to break tension) Hey, the band’s really on tonight!

REMY Rats! All we do is take, Dad. I’m tired of taking. I want to make things! I want to add something to this world.

66.

DJANGO You’re talking like a human.

REMY Who are not as bad as you say.

DJANGO Oh yeah?

EMILE Oh man...

DJANGO What makes you so sure?

Remy hesitates for a beat, suddenly careful.

REMY I’ve uh, been able to, uh, observe them at a close-ish sort of range.

DJANGO Yeah? How close?

REMY Close enough. And they’re, y’know, not so bad. As you say. They are.

Django GLARES at Remy, scrutinizing him.

DJANGO Come with me... I got something I want you to see.

He moves from the table, dropping to all fours and heading off. Reluctantly, Remy does likewise, leaving Emile alone.

EMILE You know... I think I’ll stay here.

KITCHEN - GUSTEAU’S RESTAURANT - SAME TIME

The sound of raindrops patter against the skylight. Skinner, bundled up in a well-tailored overcoat, throws a scarf around his neck. Linguini tipsily hands him his beret.

SKINNER Make sure the floors and countertops are clean before you lock up.

LINGUINI You want me to... stay and clean?

67.

SKINNER Is that a problem?

Linguini slumps and drunkenly shakes his head “no”.

SKINNER Good boy. See you tomorrow.

Skinner exits, humming. Linguini watches him go with weary eyes. He turns to face the messy kitchen... and wilts.

PARIS STREET - NIGHT

It’s raining harder now. Django and Remy arrive at a drain opening, through which can be glimpsed the rough cobblestones of a city street.

DJANGO We’re here.

Django scrambles out the curb-side drain and turns to face the storefront behind them. Remy sits next to him and looks up, following his father’s gaze. His jaw drops in horror. Displayed in the window of the small shop are a variety of nasty looking metal traps, RAT TRAPS to be precise, and along side of those hang row after row of DEAD RATS.

DJANGO Take a good, long look, Remy. This is what happens when a rat gets a little too comfortable around humans.

Remy looks away. Django’s tone is tender, but firm.

DJANGO The world we live in belongs to the enemy. We must live carefully. We look out for our own kind, Remy. When all is said and done, we’re all we’ve got.

His point made, Django turns to go. Remy stares up at the horrible window, then softly says--

REMY No. DJANGO (stops in his tracks) What..? 68.

REMY No. Dad, I don’t believe it. You’re telling me that the future is-- can ONLY be-- (points at window) --more of this?

DJANGO This... is the way things are. You can’t change nature.

REMY Change IS nature, Dad. The part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide.

With that, Remy turns and-- walking upright on two legs-- starts back to Gusteau’s. Django calls after him.

DJANGO Where you goin’?

REMY With luck... forward.

OUTSIDE BACK KITCHEN ENTRANCE - GUSTEAU’S - MORNING

The storm has passed and the sky is cloudless and clear. As a weary Remy exits the sewer, the fresh air hits his nostrils and he draws it in like a sweet memory. He exhales, renewed and happy to be back in his brave new world. Forgetting himself, he trots for the kitchen entrance on two legs, throwing a reckless wave at a passing CYCLIST. The cyclist DOUBLE-TAKES, craning his neck to look at the bizarre sight-- and collides with a parked car.

KITCHEN - GUSTEAU’S RESTAURANT

Remy enters and looks around. No one has arrived yet. Remy steps on to the counter top and surveys the kitchen, savoring the day ahead. And then he hears the sound. SNORING. He TAKES COVER and peers out. No one is there, but the SNORING persists. He peers cautiously over the edge--

REMY’S POV

--as Remy walks forward, REVEALING:

69.

LINGUINI-- curled up on the floor and slumbering like a vagrant. Remy looks at the clock, realizing with horror that the others are about to arrive. Remy jumps onto Linguini’s head like a rough rider on a fallen horse and-- expertly TUGGING hanks of Linguini’s hair, manages to get the boy up on his feet. But Linguini remains FAST ASLEEP. Remy lifts one of Linguini’s heavy EYELIDS and waves frantically at a staring eye-- but Linguini is OUT COLD. The SOUND of a motorcycle arriving at the rear entrance causes Remy to looks around in desperation. He spies a pair of SUNGLASSES near the cook’s lockers. Colette ENTERS, unpleasantly surprised to find LINGUINI already at work. She crosses to their station and starts prep. Remy has hidden Linguini’s shut eyes behind sunglasses, unintentionally giving him the air of a smug ROCK STAR. Though Linguini remains fast ASLEEP, Remy pulls his hair to keep the boy’s limbs working somewhat convincingly.

COLETTE (cool, formal) Good morning.

INTERCUT: UNDER LINGUINI’S TOQUE/ COLETTE & LINGUINI

Remy pulls hair, nervously puppeting the sleeping Linguini. How can he make Linguini answer? He PULLS a side hair hank-- --causing Linguini’s head to loll to Colette, give her a lazy nod, then turn back to his work.

COLETTE So. The Chef. He invited you in for a drink? That’s big... that’s big. What did he say?

UNDER LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy hesitates. There’s no hair he can pull for speech! Desperate, he pulls the head-turn hair again.

RESUME SCENE

Linguini’s head lolls lazily back to Colette, the effect being a smug “What do you think he said, babe?”

70.

COLETTE What-- you can’t tell me?

Linguini is silent. He resumes cutting. Colette goes cold.

COLETTE Oh. Forgive me for intruding on your deep, personal relationship with the Chef. I see how it is. You get me to teach you a few kitchen tricks to dazzle the boss, and then you blow past me?

UNDER LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Things are going bad fast. Remy keeps Linguini chopping, hoping desperately for an idea to salvage the situation.

REMY C'mon. Wake up... wake up--!

RESUME SCENE

Linguini keeps chopping vegetables like a hip zombie. His smirking face rolls in Colette’s direction.

COLETTE (small, hurt) I thought you were different. I thought you thought I was different. I thought--

Now, seemingly looking straight at her, Linguini SNORES. Colette GASPS and delivers a roundhouse SLAP to Linguini’s face. Linguini CORKSCREWS and CRASHES to the floor. Linguini-- now completely awake and utterly confused at the crucial chunk of his life he’s somehow missed-- looks up at the furious Colette with wide eyes.

COLETTE I didn’t have to help you. If I looked out only for myself, I could have let you drown. But-- (this is hard for her) --I wanted you to succeed. I liked you. My mistake.

71.

Colette turns, storming out the kitchen’s back door.

Both: Linguini and Remy- who peers out of Linguini’s fallen toque, watch he go.

Linguini turns to Remy.

LINGUINI It’s over, Little Chef. I can’t do it any more.

He grabs the toque with Remy inside and runs after Colette.

OUTSIDE GUSTEAU’S - ALLEY BEHIND KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Colette is already on her motorcycle. Linguini runs to her.

LINGUINI Stop--! Don’t motorcycle away-- (She atops, looks at him) Look. I’m no good with words. I’m no good with food, either. At least not without your help.

COLETTE I hate false modesty. It’s just another way to lie. You have talent!

LINGUINI But I don’t! Really! It’s not me!

UNDER LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy eyes widen: this can’t be happening.

RESUME LINGUINI & COLETTE

LINGUINI (CONT’D) And when I added those extra ingredients instead of following the recipe like you said-- that wasn’t me either!

COLETTE What do you mean?

LINGUINI I mean I wouldn’t have done that. I would’ve followed the recipe, I would’ve followed your advice. I would’ve followed your advice to the ends of the earth because I love-- your advice.

72.

COLETTE But... ?

LINGUINI But... I have a secret.

UNDER LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy’s really getting worried now.

REMY (softly) Don’t do it...

RESUME SCENE

Colette’s eyes narrow. She’s not liking the sound of this.

LINGUINI It’s sort of disturbing.

Linguini chuckles sheepishly, then straightens as if to make an announcement, taking a deep breath.

LINGUINI I have a rr... aah--uht... COLETTE What...? LINGUINI I have a rahh... tsh

COLETTE You have a rash?

LINGUINI NO! No... I have this tiny... a little, uh... little... a-- (quickly blurts it out) -tiny chef who tells me what to do.

COLETTE A tiny chef. LINGUINI Yes... yes, he’s... uh, uhhhmmn... (points to toque) ...he’s up here--

73.

COLETTE In your brain.

LINGUINI Why is it so hard to talk to you?? (gathering courage) Okay. Here we go. You-- inspire me. I’m going to risk it all. I’m going to risk looking like the biggest idiot psycho you’ve ever seen.

Colette is starting to get scared. We follow her HAND as it drops discreetly into her BAG and emerges clutching a tiny cannister of PEPPER SPRAY. Linguini continues, impassioned.

LINGUINI (CONT’D) You wanna know why I’m such a fast learner? Why I’m such a great cook? Don’t laugh! I’m going to show you--

Colette looks WORRIED. With great resolve and trembling hands, Linguini slowly reaches up to remove his toque--

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Through the cloth Remy watches LINGUINI’S HANDS CLOSING IN-- about to expose him and ruin it all! He YANKS on Linguini’s hair, thrusting Linguini forward toward Colette’s face--

ON LINGUINI

--as he plants a big KISS on Colette’s lips. Colette is frozen, pepper spray in hand, her shock and surprise surpassed only by Linguini’s own. INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE With furrowed brows and gritted teeth, Remy maintains Linguini’s forward thrust kiss. This could go either way.

INTERCUT LINGUINI & COLETTE

--as they continue their startled kiss, their eyes flash through a myriad of emotions; surprise, fear, anger, vulnerability, happiness, and finally-- surrender. Their arms wrap around each other. 74.

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy COLLAPSES with relief. For the moment anyway, the fragile charade survives.

INSIDE EGO’S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON

A very tall, very narrow room, simultaneously grand and claustrophobic. Its soaring windows are framed by heavy velvet drapes pulled nearly shut, allowing in only a thin sliver of pale light. The few pieces of antique furniture in the room are equally tall, narrow, straight-backed and uncomfortable looking. The faded burgundy walls are decorated with framed photographs and magazine covers, precisely arranged around a massive PORTRAIT PAINTING. Their single subject, a tall, cadaverous man dressed in an expensive suit; ANTON EGO-- --the same Anton Ego who now sits at a desk that is the rooms focal point, looming over an ancient typewriter like a vulture with better posture. The rooms lone door opens, and a short, pudgy man in his midthirties enters. This is Ego’s assistant, AMBRISTER MINION.

EGO What is it, Ambrister?

MINION Gusteau’s.

EGO Finally closing is it?

MINION No...

EGO More financial trouble?

MINION No, it’s--

EGO (losing patience) --announced a new line of microwave eggroles, what? Spit it out.

75.

MINION --it’s come back. It’s... (bewildered) ... popular.

Ego looks up, eyes flashing.

EGO I haven’t reviewed Gusteau’s in years.

MINION No, Sir.

Ego pulls open his files, deftly riffling through folders.

EGO My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.

MINION Yes, Sir...

Ego locates the review and plucks it from the files, reading it aloud as if it were divinely inspired.

EGO I said-- (reading) “Gusteau has finally found his rightful place in history, right alongside another, equally famous Chef-- Monsieur ‘Boyardee’”.

MINION Touche’...

Rising from his desk, Ego moves menacingly toward Minion.

EGO That is where I left it. That was my last word. THE last word.

MINION Yes.

EGO Then tell me, Ambrister...

Ego now LOOMS over the cowering Minion.

EGO (CONT’D) ... how could it be... “popular”?

76.

SKINNER’S OFFICE - DAY

Skinner is seated at his desk, his head in his hands. Talon sits in a chair across from him, sipping an espresso.

SKINNER No no no NO NO NOOO!

TALON (matter of fact) The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.

SKINNER This can’t just-- happen! The whole thing is a set-up! The boy knows!

Skinner goes to his window, parts the blinds to the kitchen.

SKINNER Look at him out there... pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!

TALON String?

SKINNER Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!

TALON Rat?

SKINNER Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!

TALON The rat?

SKINNER Exactly! The lawyer is watching Skinner now, eyes wide with worry.

TALON (delicately) Is the rat... “important”?

77.

SKINNER Of course not! He just wants me to think that it is! Oh, I see the theatricality of it; a rat appears on the boy’s first night, I order him to kill it and now he wants me to see it everywhere-- woooooooo-- (snaps fingers wildly) -it’s here, no it isn’t, it’s here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not? But ohhh no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of--

Skinner is suddenly aware that Talon is staring at him.

TALON Should I be concerned about this? (pointedly) About you?

KITCHEN

Linguini/Remy are cooking. As Colette walks by, Linguini’s eyes, then head start to follow her--

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy wonders why Linguini’s head has drifted away from the task at hand. He looks up: sees Colette. Rolling his eyes at Linguini’s limited concentration, he pulls Linguini’s hair--

RESUME SCENE

Linguini’s head jerks face forward. He frowns, annoyed at Remy’s correction. Colette is cooking at the oven behind him now. And Linguini’s eyes have drifted back to her.. ...following the curves of her legs slowly up... to her FACE. She turns, catching him-- and SMILES. He smiles back.

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

With waning patience, Remy again JERKS Remy back on task.

SKINNER’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Skinner PACES back and forth in front of Talon.

78.

SKINNER I can’t fire him! He’s getting attention! If I fire him now everyone will wonder why and the last thing I want is people looking into this!

TALON What are you so worried about? Isn’t it good to have the press? Isn’t it good to have Gusteau’s name getting headlines?

SKINNER (points at Linguini photo) Not if they’re over HIS face!! Gusteau’s already has a face, and it’s fat and lovable and familiar! And it sells burritos! Millions and millions of burritos!

TALON The deadline passes in three days, then you can fire him whenever he ceases to be a valuable. You’re still in charge, and no one will ever know.

Talon prepares to leave, hesitates at the door--

TALON You know, I was worried about the hair sample you gave me. I had to send it back to the lab.

SKINNER Why?

TALON Because the first time it came back identified as “rodent hair”.

Talon shrugs, chuckles and EXITS. Skinner stares, HAUNTED.

KITCHEN

Under Remy’s direction, Linguini reaches for a spice. Colette interrupts, handing him another one.

COLETTE No, no. Try this. It’s better.

79.

UNDER THE TOQUE

Remy looks at the offered spice, and scowls; he begs to differ. As Linguini reaches to take the spice, Remy pulls back on his hair--

INTERCUT: LINGUINI & COLETTE WITH REMY

Linguini FLINCHES, his hand HESITATING; withdrawing then reaching-- forward-back-forward-back. Colette watches this odd display, still holding the spice out. Linguini grabs the wrist of his reaching hand, forcing it toward the spices, as-- --REMY TUGS at Linguini’s hair, directing him just as hard in the opposite direction. It’s a battle for control-- --that Linguini WINS; his hand finally grabs he spice tin. He smiles at Colette. Underneath the toque, Remy GRIMACES.

ALLEYWAY BEHIND KITCHEN - LATER

The dinner rush finished, Linguini and Colette exit the kitchen laughing and holding hands. She pulls him aboard her motorcycle and they peel out into the young Paris night.

PARIS STREETS - TRAVELING - NIGHT

Linguini and Colette laugh and scream as the wind rips by, Linguini barely able to hang on to his toque and we realize-- --REMY IS STILL INSIDE, HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! As Colette takes a sharp turn, Linguini drops his arms to steady himself- --and his TOQUE (WITH REMY INSIDE) FLIES OFF HIS HEAD and tumbles to the street! Dazed, Remy emerges from the battered toque to see Colette’s cycle disappear over the horizon! Car horns BLARE. Remy turns to see a massive WALL OF TRAFFIC barreling toward him. He dives clear as CARS roar past, wheels screech and lights flash in all directions as he madly scrambles out of their way, finally making it to the curb. Remy looks up as a young woman recoils, jumping back into her sweethearts arms.

80.

WOMAN A RAT!

Her escort swats at Remy with his coat. Remy runs, jumping into a nearby STORM DRAIN.

INSIDE THE STORM DRAIN

Remy tumbles to the cement floor, his heart pounding. Through the grate he sees the legs of the WOMAN and her ESCORT.

WOMAN (O.S.) Disgusting little creatures...

Remy listens, pained. He spies his reflection in a pool of water at this feet. He turns, slowly disappearing into the sewer’s darkness.

REMY (V.O.) I was reminded how fragile it all was. How the world really saw me. And it just kept getting better...

OUTSIDE BACK ENTRANCE - GUSTEAU’S - DAWN

Remy emerges from the curb drain, turns into the alley behind GUSTEAU’S and heads up the back steps...

EMILE (O.S.) Psst! Remy...

Remy turns. EMILE peeks out from behind the trash cans, where he waits with a GROUP OF RATS, including GIT, the lab rat.

EMILE Hey little brother! We were afraid you weren’t gonna show up!

GIT Hey Remy. Howya doin’?

OTHER RATS (assorted greetings)

Remy takes Emile aside, speaking in an angry whisper.

REMY You told them? Emile, that’s exactly what I said not to do!

81.

EMILE But they’re my friends. I didn’t think you meant-- I was telling ‘em about tasting, about the nutty tang and look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry

REMY Don’t tell me you’re sorry, tell them you’re sorry.

GIT has approached.

GIT There a problem over here?

REMY No. (SCOWLS at Emile) No, there is not. Wait here.

KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Assured the kitchen is empty, Remy hops to door handle of the food safe and grabs it with both arms, plants his feet on the door and pulls. The handle doesn’t budge, the door is LOCKED. Remy is puzzled. He looks toward SKINNER’S OFFICE.

SKINNER’S OFFICE

Remy enters, a little nervous, and scampers up to Skinner’s desk. A framed black and white PHOTO of Gusteau speaks.

GUSTEAU PHOTO Remy, what are you doing in here?

REMY Emile shows up-- I said not to, but he goes and blabs- it’s a disaster. Anyway, they’re hungry, the food safe is locked, I need the key.

GUSTEAU PHOTO They want you to steal food?

REMY Yes. No-- it’s complicated. It’s family. They don’t have your ideals.

The collection of cardboard GUSTEAU STANDEES come to life:

82.

TEXAN GUSTEAU Ideals? If Chef Fancy Pants had any ideals you think I’d be hawkin’ barbecue over here?

MEXICAN GUSTEAU Or Microwave burritos?

COLONEL GUSTEAU Or tooth- I say, toothpickin’ Chicken? S’about as French as a Corn Dog!

The SKETCH of Gusteau as a dog-like ear of corn BARKS.

CORN DOG GUSTEAU (waves COMING SOON sign) Woof! Rumming Roon! *

TEXAN GUSTEAU HAH! We’re inventin’ new ways to sell out over here!

SCOTTISH GUSTEAU Will ye’ be wantin’ some HAGGIS BITES, then?

GUSTEAU PHOTO I cannot control how they use my image Remy, I am dead!

REMY Will you guys SHUT UP?? (they do, All the Gusteaus stop bickering instantly) I’ve gotta think!

Remy climbs over the edge of Skinner’s desk, pushes open the drawer, and begins to rummage through its contents.

REMY (CONT’D) Word’s getting out and if I can’t keep them quiet...the entire clan’s going to be after me with their mouths open and- (he finds the key) --ah! Here it is. Hey...

Remy notices a FILE labeled “Gusteau: Last Will & Testament”. He turns to the Gusteau portrait.

REMY ...your will--!

Remy pulls the file from the drawer and lays it on the desk.

REMY This is interesting. Mind if I--?

GUSTEAU PHOTO Not at all.

83.

Remy flips open the file. There, alongside Gusteau’s will, are recent press clippings featuring LINGUINI, and the letter to Skinner from Linguini’s mother.

REMY “Linguini”..? Why would Linguini be filed with your will?

GUSTEAU PHOTO This used to be my office.

The music starts to build as Remy reads; his eyes jumping between the letter and the will, his eyes getting bigger and bigger until...

REMY HE'S YOUR SON?!

GUSTEAU I... have a son??

REMY YES. How could you not know this?!

GUSTEAU (defensive) I am a figment of your imagination! You did not know. How could I?

REMY Well, your son is the rightful owner of this restaurant!

SKINNER OPENS the office door and FREEZES-- stunned by the bizarre sight of a RAT on his desk top. Remy SNATCHES the DOCUMANTS in his mouth and RUNS.

OUTSIDE BACK KITCHEN ENTRANCE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS

Remy races out into the street. Hot on his heels, Skinner runs smack into Lalo on a moped. Before the mortified Lalo can apologize Skinner is back on his feet.

SKINNER No! No! The rat!

LALO Sorry, chef!

SKINNER The rat! It’s stolen my documents! It’s getting away!!

LALO Hey, Mr. Chef!

With an crazed shriek, Skinner pushes Lalo off the scooter, jumps on and roars off down the street.

PARIS STREETS - CONTINUOUS

Skinner screeches to a stop at the INTERSECTION, looks around wildly for Remy. He sights the DOCUMENTS scampering through traffic and guns the motor, recklessly giving chase.

84.

NEAR THE SEINE - MOVING WITH SKINNER

Closing in on Remy, Skinner reaches down to snatch the documents when the rat suddenly VEERS. Skinner’s Moped plunges down a flight of steps to the river, where it lays in a heap at the bottom. Skinner looks up, sees-- REMY-- looking down at him from the balustrade, documents still clutched in his mouth. Remy LAUGHS. A gust from a passing BUS sweeps the WILL from Remy’s open jaws and high into the air, where it flutters out over the river’s edge.

MOVING ALONG THE BANKS - CONTINUOUS

SKINNER sees his chance. He clambers aboard the Moped and takes off after the will, dodging obstacles and passers-by to pursue from the banks below. Remy chases it from the balustrade above, the letter still in his mouth. THE WILL begins to descend, flitting toward Skinner below, who reaches for it, his fingers spreading wide-- Remy makes two desperate LEAPS; from the balustrade to a tree, from the tree into the air just above Skinner where he-- INTERCEPTS the will-- sailing toward the water and landing with a FWOP on the canvas roof of a Bateux Mouche. Remy can’t believe he’s got both documents again. Neither can Skinner. He ditches the Moped and LEAPS to the deck of the Seine boat.

ON THE SEINE - MOVING BETWEEN THE BOATS

Remy, documents in mouth, leaps to another passing boat, Skinner still hot on his tail. A jam of water traffic keeps this game alive, the two leaping from boat to boat, but the last leap, to a DINING BOAT- is too far. Remy tries anyway; launching into the air, the documents in his mouth sweep back like WINGS and he-- --catches an updraft! He SAILS across the gulf, landing miraculously on the deck. Skinner crazily follows, making the leap of his life as he stretches out for the dining boats’ railing and--

85.

--falls short, grasping instead the tablecloth of a couple dining near the railing, which he yanks out from under their breakfast like an inept magician as he-- --plunges into the river. Skinner sputters in the middle of the Seine as Remy hops up to a bridge passing overhead, scampering safely away with Skinner’s papers.

GUSTEAU’S - SKINNER’S OFFICE - AN HOUR LATER

Skinner returns to his office, soaked and furious... only to find LINGUINI sitting at his desk.

SKINNER You! Get out of my office.

COLETTE He’s not in your office. You are in his.

Colette holds up GUSTEAU’S WILL. Skinner’s jaw drops. He looks at Linguini, who can only shrug with embarrassment.

THE FRONT PAGE OF A NEWSPAPER

--spins into a close up. Above a PHOTO OF LINGUINI, a deer-inheadlights look on his face, a HEADLINE reads:

RISING STAR CHEF DECLARED LEGAL OWNER OF GUSTEAU’S
INSIDE SKINNER’S (NOW LINGUINI’S) OFFICE - DAY

Linguini is surrounded by the other COOKS, who raise flutes of champagne in a toast to their new owner. Laughing, Colette and Linguini hug. Watching from the shadows, REMY smiles.

MONTAGE

SERIES OF SHOTS, to music, illustrating (A) Linguini’s rise, (B) Skinner’s fall, and (C)the happy changes to GUSTEAU’S.

INTERCUT: (A) Various NEWSPAPER headlines: “LINGUINI CANCELS FROZEN FOOD” “GUSTEAU’S REGAINS A LOST STAR”. Linguini shows Remy their new, larger apartment.

86.

(B) A disheveled Skinner alternates between spying on Gusteau’s (looking for the rat in the kitchen) and stewing (over the loss of his little empire, and the glowing press coverage of Linguini). (C) Linguini and Colette raise the blinds in Skinner’s old office, opening it to light and a clear view of the Kitchen. In the alley behind the kitchen, the COOKS symbolically burn the GUSTEAU STANDEES created to promote Skinner’s hated FROZEN FOOD line. All cheer as the FLAMES rise higher.

DINING AREA - GUSTEAU’S - EARLY EVENING - DAYS LATER

FLASHES POP. Linguini sits at a table, posing for photos. Several JOURNALISTS hover nearby shouting questions.

REPORTER #1 Chef Linguini! Chef Linguini! Your rise has been meteoric, and yet you have no formal training. What is the secret to your genius?

INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE

Remy reacts to the question, looking down at the head beneath him as if to say: ”Yeah smart guy, what is your secret?”

RESUME SCENE

LINGUINI I’m Auguste Gusteau’s son. It’s in my blood, I guess.

REPORTER #3 But you weren’t aware of that fact until very recently--

LINGUINI No...

REPORTER #3 --and it resulted in your taking ownership of this restaurant. How did you find out?

ON REMY: His face says “Because I risked my neck”.

87.

WITH LINGUINI

LINGUINI Some part of me just knew... (lamely, trying it out) ...the Gusteau part...?

UNDER THE TOQUE

Remy tugs a hair tuft, causing Linguini to bop himself in the head with his frying pan.

REPORTER #1 Where do you get your inspiration?

LINGUINI Inspiration?

Again, Remy pricks up his ears.

LINGUINI Inspiration has many names. Mine is named Colette.

REMY WHAT?!!

WITH LINGUINI

An outraged SQUEAK erupts from inside Linguini’s toque. Linguini quickly muffles Remy’s squeaks with both hands as he sets his toque down on the table. Linguini sucks on his teeth, making a squeaking sound.

LINGUINI (CONT’D) Something stuck in my teeth.

OFFICES - MINISTRY OF HEALTH - DAY

Drab and cluttered. A battered telephone rings at the desk of NADAR LESSARD, a bored bureaucrat. He turns from a pile of paperwork and answers.

LESSARD Health Inspector.

88.

PHONE BOOTH - ACROSS FROM GUSTEAU’S - SAME TIME

Anxious, unshaven, and wrapped in a trench coat that makes him look vaguely like a pervert, Skinner speaks into a pay phone as he stares at the line of dinner customers across the street, waiting to enter Gusteau’s. INTERCUT as needed.

SKINNER I wish to report a rat infestation. It’s taken over my restauran-- er-- Gusteau’s restaurant--!

LESSARD Gusteau’s, eh? I can drop by. (consults appointment log) First opening is... three months.

SKINNER It must happen now!

LESSARD Monsieur, I have the information, if someone cancels I’ll slot you in.

SKINNER But... but the rat, it--

Lessard hangs up. Skinner listens to the dial tone, deflated.

SKINNER --stole my documents...

KITCHEN - GUSTEAU’S RESTAURANT

Horst looks at the clock, scowls, and turns to Colette.

HORST It’s past opening time.

COLETTE He should’ve finished an hour ago. She heaves an annoyed sigh and heads out to the dining area.

DINING AREA

Colette enters the swirl of activity to confront Linguini. He shoots her a cocky smile, offering her a glass of champagne.

89.

LINGUINI Bon jour, Mon Cherie. Join us. We were talking about my inspiration.

COLETTE (to journalists) Yes, he calls it his “tiny Chef”...

Linguini muffles another SQUEAK of protest from under his toque. He shoots Colette a reprimanding look, leans in and says in a low, tight voice.

LINGUINI Not that, dearest... I meant you.

Just then the front door swings open, spilling cold light and air into the warmth of the restaurant. The press swings its attention to the tall, backlit spectre at the entrance, whispering his legendary name: “Ego”. He glides through them without acknowledging their presence, and stops in front of Linguini, who is still seated.

EGO You are Monsieur Linguini?

LINGUINI Uh, hello.

EGO Pardon me for interrupting your... premature celebration. But I thought it only fair to give you a sporting chance as you are new to this game.

UNDER THE TOQUE

Remy watches with fear and awe.

LINGUINI Uh... game?

EGO Yes. And you’ve been playing without an opponent. Which is, as you may have guessed, against the rules.

90.

RESUME SCENE

LINGUINI You’re Anton Ego.

Ego chuckles, turning to the gallery, a lion almost sympathetic toward the sacrificial lamb.

EGO You’re slow for someone in the fast lane.

LINGUINI And you’re thin for someone who likes food.

The lamb bites back. A murmur of surprised delight ripples through the assembled. Ego’s eyes FLASH.

EGO I don’t “like” food, I love it. If I don’t love it, I don’t-- swallow.

Linguini SWALLOWS. Upper hand regained, Ego sniffs--

EGO (CONT’D) I will return tomorrow night with high expectations. Pray you don’t disappoint me.

Ego turns and sweeps out of the restaurant. There is a heavy PAUSE. Colette turns to the assembled press.

COLETTE Listen, we hate to be rude, but... we’re French. And it’s dinner time.

She pulls Linguini from the table and heads to the kitchen. He calls back to the press in apology--

LINGUINI She meant to say “it’s dinner time, and we’re French”--!

HEAD CHEF’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Remy stands on the desk top, glowering at Linguini.

91.

LINGUINI Don’t give me that look. You were distracting me in front of the press. How am I supposed to concentrate with you yanking my hair all the time?

Linguini sticks out his hand, offering Remy a now familiar ramp to his post atop Linguini’s head. Remy shoots Linguini an “about time” look, climbs up his arm and under his toque.

LINGUINI And that’s another thing. Your opinion isn’t the only one that matters here. Colette knows how to cook too, you know--

UNDER THE TOQUE

The last straw. Remy grabs a hair hank and pulls-- too hard.

LINGUINI (CONT’D) --- OW!! Alright that’s it!!

OUTSIDE BACK KITCHEN ENTRANCE - DUSK

The door bangs open, Linguini storms out, mashing his toque against his head, angrily shuts the door behind him. He yanks his toque off and gets in Remy’s tiny face--

LINGUINI You take a break, little chef. I’m not your puppet, and you’re not my-- uh, puppet... controlling... guy.

FROM THE ROOF ABOVE

SKINNER watches this strange scene, his jaw hanging open...

SKINNER The rat is the cook...!

LINGUINI You cool off and get your mind right, little chef. Ego is coming and I’ve gotta focus! continue the script. you (jake) confront linguini for crediting colette and then you tell him he wouldn't know how to cook in the first place if it wasn't for him.