Holding her closer to his pulse, Max stood against the metallic wall of the NICU; her fluttering heartbeat was steady and reassuring. “Hey, beautiful, I suppose it’s just you and me now. But we’ll be alright; I promise you. Despite all your suffering, you’re still far more resilient than your old man.” He paused, suddenly feeling his mere twenty-six years of life weighing on his frame as he offered equilibrium to her dependent, innocent youth as she gazed up at him. Her hazel irises stared intently into his matching brown and amber aspect, and a smile crossed his lips. “My God, I can’t believe you’re already two days old, and rest assured, sweetheart, you’re the most precious thing I have in this world.” His voice trailed off as his gaze lingered on her translucent skin, her veins shining under the soft light. “And you’re so gorgeous, so incomprehensible; I—I can’t quite believe you are alive. A little fighter, and brave as hell, too.”

Exhausted but at peace with her fitting perfectly between his wrist and forearm, he sighed with a profound sense of fulfillment and redemption. Standing placated in the encroaching dusk, as he pulled her closer against his chest, his gaze drifted to the glass window beyond him. Amidst the fading light that outlined buildings and wisps of smog, he felt a sense of perishing hope; one that he clung to with grit and resolve, if only for her sake. As he gently traced her delicate features with his finger, she reached up and hooked her index finger over his thumb, creating a fragile but powerful lifeline, transpiring through the grim backdrop of her makeshift nursery.

“Lily bean, your mother, she—” He hadn’t the words nor the heart to continue as her intricate grasp on his slid away, her hand splaying across her chest as she slipped into slumber. “You can sleep; there’ll be plenty of time to stare at this mug in the morning.” He exhaled with relief and wonderment as her consciousness seemed to melt away into the bleak atmosphere. As her breathing then fell against his palm, it was a soothing rhythm, leaving him stupefied in the peaceful lull of the ebb and flow. He muttered, “Why must you look like her? Well, you may actually resemble me, and now that’s not so great, huh?” Max smiled at her oblivion, which he prayed would not betray her someday. “Don’t you dare wake up yet,” he muttered, her sleeping form realigning itself against him, seeming to sense his presence as her pulse slowed. Unable to even move, Max stood with the sleeping infant, too exhausted to lay her down in the clinical humidicrib of sallow light that hummed with a disconcerting tone. Overwrought with fatigue yet savoring the fleeting moment of solace, he willed it to engulf him in its embrace. Although it tore incremental fragments from his being, it was solace all the same.

It had been a long, dragging night of insomnia, flashbacks, and a lack of food as Max leaned his spine against the hospital corridor. There, he had set up a vigil, not leaving the hall as he watched her in his peripheral vision. “How could Elara abandon the poor kid? How could she just—” As he ran a calloused hand over his unshaven jaw, Max contemplated the impending call that suffocated his tattered psyche. It was the inevitability encroaching on his raw nerves as his fingers unlocked his phone with trepidation and scrolled for her number.

“Elara? I don’t know. You discharged yourself; no, I don’t care where the hell you are—she can’t survive on air. No, but please just tell me what I can do to fix—No, of course I love you. I’m alone in a hospital with our—well, my daughter.” The phone went dead in his ear, and he let it backflip into his lap with resignation.

Returning to his haphazard scattering of belongings, he pried open an energy drink, drained it, and then crushed the aluminum under his fingers; the distorted metal absorbed his anguish and dismay. All his disbelief and heartbreak over Elara seemed weightless, meaningless, and forgotten as he heard Lily’s almost inaudible whimpers floating in the air. “Right here, Lily, I’ve got you,” his hoarse voice found her, and her fussing stopped in an instant. His softening voice whispered intangible phrases; he half-sang, his deep-throated hum off-balance from his persistent fatigue. A lullaby of his own, off-key, intermingled with her cries, permeated the space between them.

His eyes floated shut, and images filled his mind: cowering under creaking stairs as the weight above him lurked closer, his young screams pleading for mercy. “I didn’t mean to, Dad—” Suddenly, everything grew colder, then a fierce heat drove through him, making him flinch at the recollection. A boot sailed past his head; then a knife. Falling to his knees, petrified, he soon felt the lurid warmth of urine saturating the tongues of his shoes, filling the perforated leather with liquid. His head hung in shame and degradation. “Max, now I will have to punish you for ruining my floorboards, son.” As Max felt a dark shadow encompass his juvenile mind, he cried even harder, shaking like an untethered string. A balloon burst under the thud of a boot, and he yelled in confusion, “Is it because of my birthday party? I didn’t want to turn five anyway! I’m sorry…”

Max reopened his eyes, back in the present once more, his pulse thundering out of sync with his infant daughter’s. Her accelerated heartbeat still seemed calmer than his own. “I’m sorry you’ll be in here a while longer, my little bean. Can’t take you home yet. But you’re gonna love your own crib. It’ll put this humidifier to shame. You just wait and see…” With a heavy weight in his lungs, almost drowning him with the proximity of his flashback, his mind flickered to Elara. Holding the still-crying Lily, determined to soothe her discomfort in the cool night, he could still taste Elara, feel her in his clothes, and it sickened his heart. As he placed Lily into her contraption of a crib with reluctance, he sank against the wall, overcome with a wave of utter frustration. He had to fight the torrent of unfiltered torment that tore through his clenched teeth.

“Pick up, please… Elara? Oh, God, just tell me why—No, I haven’t slept; she’s in a critical condition. Don’t worry about it. I know it’s heartbreaking. What, so I’m not going through hell right now? No, please, I’m sorry—”

Again, the line died out in the shell of his ear, wrenching a knife through the lining of his stomach. Exhaustion gnawed ferociously at his brain, and he relented to sleep as it finally came, like a tower of building blocks smashing down upon him.

“No, Max, I—it’s because I love her that I can’t watch her suffer…” Elara’s tear-stained blue gaze pierced into his as she stood under the harsh lights of the parking lot. Like a deer in headlights, her frightened expression held an acceptance of fate. Max, reaching out and grabbing her wrist, infused his pleas of incredulity into the closing space between them. “Elara, please, I love you, but I love my child, damn it… And I’ll be there when she takes her last breath if that’s what I have to do for her.”

Elara’s torn expression ripped at his heart as he conceded the truth. “Say it, Elara… Just put me out of my misery. Because what is it that we can’t work through? What has happened to us? That you’ll leave me here with our child?”

After a long, wrenching silence, she whispered, “I love you. Nothing is wrong with us, Max, but if I lose her, I won’t be the person you fell in love with. I won’t even want to know myself. I… I’d rather pretend in my mind she’s going to survive this—”

He interrupted her, anger and frustration gnawing at him. “What if she survives this? Then what will she have? I can’t protect her if I’m not there. This is toxic, Elara. This is the definition of selfishness. Just go… This is what’s breaking us.”

As he lifted his gaze, she was already walking away, her head in her hands. The streetlight flickered out for a moment, and he was swallowed by darkness, sinking as the concrete seemed to embrace him when he fell. 

His pulse raced to the surface of his throat as he retched himself into stark consciousness, gazing around in sheer panic. He ran a hand over his drawn features. Upon hearing his child’s faint breathing—a newfound white noise that salved his frayed nerves—he relaxed against the wall.

Six weeks had passed, and Max had been offered respite housing by the hospital, where he had relocated his sparse belongings. The imprint of his spine against the wall had almost been visible when a social worker assigned him a bare-boned apartment with a single bed and central heating. This particular morning, his clothes were fresh, and his face clean-shaven as he entered the NICU and locked eyes with his daughter. “Morning, Gorgeous.” The mild rays of morning bled into the room, embracing her in a blanket of warmth, the humidicrib encasing his daughter with a plastic film of isolation. He staggered over to where she lay and lifted her into the air. “My little girl is six weeks old. I swear you’re growing bigger every single day.” With grit under his nails and darkness pooling under his eyes—an accumulation of the passing days—he beamed at Lily with awe, relief, and pride.

Holding Lily in his outstretched arms, the golden light outlined her body, bathing her in an aura of warmth. As he stared into her irises, mesmerized, a gentle smile broke out across her lips, reaching her gaze and filling it with specks of recognition and joy. “You’re smiling,” he laughed, a surge of pure elation coursing through him. “Of course, you’re smiling, because you know I love you, right?” His own deep hazel eyes glazed over, and he was unable to look away. His daughter, in an exuberant moment free from agony, maintained her entrancing grin, and his arms trembled as he lowered her onto his forearm, holding her close. “Your first smile, perhaps? I’ll have to ask the nurses… they’ve taken such phenomenal care of you. You’ll be at home before you even know it.” Her invigorated breathing, steady and strong against his skin, gave him something palpable to focus on as he lamented the grave reality and cursed under his breath. “I miss her, you know, but I worry about her, too. Maybe someday she’ll find her way back to us. But I’ll be here for your first word, first step. You’re gonna come on jogs with me, huh? Yeah, that’s right, you are.” Max, beaming with admiration and genuine excitement, felt a weight lift from his shoulders that had almost clung like shrink wrap to his existence. Lily was coming through the ordeal of being born with weak organs, and while she still seemed vulnerable, she shone with fighting spirit. “You’ve been listening to me blabber on, huh?” Max whispered as her eyes danced with the rays of daylight. “Daddy passed out last night 'cause he was so tired, but I’m here now, and I ain’t going anywhere, kiddo.” At that moment, she fell asleep in his arms, and his moments were up. He lowered her back down into her protective bubble and sank down into a plastic chair adjacent to where she drifted into sleep. He’d even dressed decently, without noticing, just to visit her, his grey Henley accentuating his dark boots. “Hey, well look at that, you got me dressing up again.” He ran his tongue along his teeth, an absent-minded gesture as he smirked in disbelief.

Standing up, he smoothed out his jeans and headed for the cafeteria, a raging appetite igniting in his stomach. Soon, his nostrils were affronted with the sizzling aroma of scrambled eggs, bacon rashers, and ground coffee. Overwhelmed by his apparent hunger, he wasted no time heaping his tray to the edges with the enticement of an actual meal. As he began entertaining his newfound hunger by the forkful, a figure slid down into the booth beside him. “Hey, you’re that guy with the gorgeous little angel, Max, right?” Caught off guard, he gazed away from his food, drinking in the angular features of a fellow parent he’d met in the halls weeks earlier. “Hey, Sam, yeah, my daughter Lily, she was born with a lot of complications, but she’s doing so well; how’s your son holding up?” Looking out at the distant footpath beyond the cafeteria, Sam smiled, a hopeful look crossing his gaze. “James will be discharged tomorrow; my wife is packing his things as we speak. Cystic fibrosis is a hard road, but it just means every day is meaningful for us, y’know? Makes you appreciate each microscopic little moment that much more.” Max nodded in silence before sighing. “Yeah, I’m glad he’s doing well. And you and your wife, too. I wish you all the best. Stay away from here, alright?” Sam offered Max a look of empathy, his hollowed eyes filled with a sense of rigor that Max could slowly feel fabricating within his own soul with the passing days. “We’ll try,” Sam replied, placing a hand on Max’s shoulder. “Life gets hard in here, but you’re looking well; how is Lily doing?” Max, unflinching under Sam’s open palm, gazed at his half-empty tray. “She’s… amazing. Six and a half weeks old. They say she’ll be home in a month or two. The time just—.”

“Yeah, it flies, but that’s life. I’ll stop by with Madison and James tomorrow to say goodbye. You and Lily take care, alright?”

Strategically pushing the eggs around his plate, too unnerved to eat, he paused before taking an overloaded bite for lack of another option. “Yeah, I’m keeping it together for her as best I can. Thanks for everything, Sam, it means a lot.” Sam rose from the booth and gathered his own bearings, a nervous energy in his fingers as he let go of Max’s shoulder and headed for the exit. “Don’t mention it, Max, you’re one hell of a strong guy, and I respect that. Glad to have met you, buddy.”

Max then scraped the remaining eggs from his plate, dragging his fork across the surface of the tray, leaving trails of bacon grease winding in all directions. “I’m gonna carry that kid out of that damn intensive care unit yet. One day that’ll be us, at least it had better be before I have some sort of early life breakdown…” Aiming his words at the unappealing, tepid coffee, still untouched, he then dropped the fork in disengagement, swiveled his chair around, and trudged out of the booth. “One genuinely disgusting hospital meal closer to freedom, Max.”

Heavy with weariness, he reveled in a moment of procrastination, folding a grocery list and tucking it into his pocket; his mental too-hard basket with disinterest. His mind drifted to thoughts of what Lily would look like as she grew older, and how it might feel to grasp her hand as she learned to walk, the enriched soil beneath her feet, and the adorable attire he would adorn her in. Petite, pastel pink dresses, and sherbet green and sky-blue striped rompers. Max, flopping onto the bed of his apartment, remained lost in thought, all manner of milestones occupying his mind rent-free.

Then, just as he’d found sweet reprieve, a worrying thought intruded on his daydreaming; his iced bachelor’s degree. His mind lurched, his fingers fumbling with a loose thread on his jeans as he searched helplessly for anchorage in their worn fabric. When Elara had fallen pregnant, it had been far from smooth sailing, and Max’s plans of grad school had been dashed to care for her and cope with Lily’s precarious arrival. It was all he’d dreamt of, yet it had somehow found its way to the background and had never resurfaced again. “Oh dear God, I don’t want to think about how I’ll provide for her,” he groaned, and retrieved the list of toiletries and household items he needed to obtain from the local supermarket. With his own scrawled handwriting staring back at him, he toyed with the edges of his reality, the fatigue penetrating him once more.

“You’ll figure it out, Max, you’ll make her just as proud as she makes you… maybe.” As noon approached, and with no time for lunch, Max coaxed his uncooperative limbs off the stiff bed and turned away from the mirror in avoidance as he cleaned himself up and tended to mundane chores. His hands gripped the shopping cart as he tossed items in with an ever-present nonchalance. His afternoon spent away from his daughter seemed bleak yet inescapable, as if its irreversible damage to his time with her wasn’t even worth the trouble. The technicolor blur of the aisles whizzed past as he crossed off the unyielding list of requirements, his pen in his teeth as he hummed his way through the isolated store. Before long, it was over, and he hauled two overstuffed grocery bags through his apartment door with resolve, crashing on his board of a bed with a sense of accomplishment as he offloaded the provisions onto the floor. His evening visit to Lily was a beacon of hope, as he prayed she was still kicking and not in any pain.

Just then, his phone blared at him, and his hand flew to his bedside and he slid the screen open. “Yes, it’s he… I’ll be there immediately.”

Max’s complexion drained of color as he entered the hospital, bypassing check-in with raw panic tightening his airways . As he approached the NICU, he was met by the firm restraint of two open palms against his chest, a nurse staring him in the eyes as she spoke with a measured, arresting gravity, grinding him to a halt. “Lily’s heart rate dropped quite low in the last hour , but we have stabilized her for now, Mr. Hawthorne. Still, we need to ask you to wait here while we ensure she remains stable… she’s a strong girl and she’s holding steady.”

“Just, please get her through this… I—” Max stumbled backward, easing himself into a waiting room chair and gripping the arms, his veins visible against his contracted muscles as he clenched the leather to stall his pulse. Stunned into silence, he dropped his head into his hands, clutching at his temple and interweaving his fingers through his dark hair. "We’ll keep you updated on her condition, and if she remains stable, you’ll be able to see her , contact might be limited unfortunately, but you can most certainly let her know you’re here.” The nurse, wearing an empathetic smile, left Max to his thoughts as he denied himself so much as a glance toward the steel doors barring him from his daughter. Time seemed convoluted as he glanced at the digital minutes on his phone screen, relieved to still be alone in the hall; she was remaining stable, and that was all he could hold onto as the room tilted. Another minute passed, the longest of his life, and his instincts drew his eyes to the long, curtain-drawn window that shielded him from his worst fears. His potential nightmares were crashing down around him, the corridor narrowing with each second that he was left to his own devices. Disorientated by the distortion of time , he was carried into an ocean of harrowing scenarios , lost in terror as the reality consumed him, the ward slipping away beyond his frozen gaze at the floor. 

Awoken from his stupor by a piercing cry, the heavy metal doors swung open, and a nurse ushered him inside the neonatal unit, where Lily’s pinkened flesh radiated with the aftermath of adrenaline. Her cold, lilac lips and fragile body, covered in ECG monitors, lent her a stark sense of vulnerability against the solidified beeping of machines. The room held an eerie stillness, as the residue of his nightmares prevailed. As Max leaned over Lilly’s recovering body, he reached down and traced his thumb down her bare abdomen, finding her featherlight pulse and following it through her veins. Rendered speechless, only the sensation of her heartbeat underneath his own offered him sanity. But it was more than enough; he let his fingers rest over her pulsing sternum, as he stood rooted to the spot, his feet seeking purchase from his boots. Monitoring each beat under his thumb, it became a grounding rhythm in the dying afternoon light.”

The impending night leered at his phone with threat and uncertainty, the digital seven o’clock screaming at him. The frigid, impersonal apartment that awaited him faded to the back of his clouded senses; what if she had another scare, and he was asleep? His legs, refusing to automate, stayed rigid in their place, and he gripped the side of the humidicrib in exhaustion. The staff surely wouldn’t appreciate him holed up in the corridor, but he wore an expression of exemption from visiting hours as Lily slept soundly under his lingering touch. Removing his hand from her chest, he hauled a chair over to her side and unloaded his body weight onto its hard surface. “Don’t scare your old man like that again, alright?” His answer came in the form of a barely audible sigh as she dragged in a breath and coughed with struggle in her voice. Max let his eyes slide closed, as he mumbled, “We’re both too young for a cardiac arrest, Lily bean. You hear me?” Finally succumbing to unconsciousness, Max slept without dreams, lost in a blanket of abyssal darkness.

Two weeks had passed, and Max was finally able to raise Lily high into the air and sit her in his lap. Her immune system was strong enough to tolerate longer periods of freedom from her prison of controlled humidity. Placing a knitted pink beanie over her dark head of hair—one that he and Elara had chosen months ago—an amalgamation of triumph and sorrow filled his eyes as he tugged it down around the pink tips of her ears. She gazed up through the woven fabric and flashed a brief smile before reaching for his clavicle, her hand resting in the hollow of his neck. “Hey, there’s that smile. Gotta keep you warm out here, huh?” he said as he wrapped her in a blanket of pastel stripes, the banana yellow bringing forth the pigment in her irises.

“Well, who’s looking more edible than the food around here “ Max slipped his phone out of his pocket, aiming the periscope lenses at her features and snapping a photo. Her pupils , dazed by the flash , widened and seemed enthralled with his device, reaching out and kicking her feet in amusement. “You’d better get used to having your selfies taken, bean” . Max chuckled to himself and he categorised the picture under a brand new album, alongside a few snaps he’d snuck without using his flash, of Lily in her first moment after entering the world . Less than glamorous, she was smothered in crimson blood, crying , and not expected to be the object of photographs two and a half months later . But there she was , complacent in his lap as he grappled with the notion of wrangling a car seat into the back of his Voltzwagen Beetle . Aerodynamics left him bemused as he he held her up and trailed her through the air , weaving her back and forth. Then as he settled her back down into his lap he tugged the hem of her beanie down over her eyes , lifting it again in an impromptu game of peek a boo. “Where’d Lily go, there she is” he teased at his uncomprehending infant, more for his own amusement. Before he knew it her time was up and he placed her back in her crib, still clad in her drooping beanie and vibrant blanket. "Sleep tight my little bean burrito" Max muttered as he slipped out of the room. 

As Max pried open his blearing , bloodshot eyes, the ceiling greeted his mechanical stare . There were motions to run through, not that caring was easy, as his inbox flooded with messages he ignored. He never heard from Elara, abiet stressing that Lily was passing through milestones like water rushing down a drain . His desperate fingers , slicing through the still autumn air, couldn’t preserve them beyond digital snapshots. “She’ll come through that door and want her back….” He sighed heavily, playing the scenario over on his mind , until it ran like a slideshow . Whether it was a dream or a nightmare seemed imperceptible. And irrelevant, as Lily’s first , second and maybe even third smiles all scorched in his vision . Her first months of life had been proliferated with health scares , yet she had preserved into her third month, and his mind was clogging life a drain of stormwater. Her first breath was still swirling like a half -drowned leaf as her first laugh threatened to pile onto top of it , breaking the dam. But he’d found somewhere to preserve it, along with the chilling recollections of her bruise covered body as they’d placed her lifeless body on Elara’s chest, as they’d both waited for that first gasp of air to fill her lungs . “I can’t do this anymore” he groaned into the crook of his elbow as he sat upright . “I have to.” 


As the crisp October air invigorated his senses, he approached the NICU, holding the only toy he’d laid hands on since the days of his own buried childhood. Tucked out of sight behind his back, the stuffed bear served as a mascot of potential enjoyment and optimism, unlike anything from his past. Despite his seemingly traumatizing journey to this moment, having always avoided toy stores and even playgrounds to dodge childhood shadows, here he was. Goofy and excited with an overstuffed animal in hiding , awaiting its thrust into his daughter’s limelight. Harmless and endearingly sweet with its button eyes and embroidered nose—it had captivated him through the gift shop window for weeks. His purchase had been drastically delayed—strict safety protocols at the NICU prohibited any external and potentially unsanitary objects to safeguard the vulnerable infants from autoimmune risks. The particular details had eluded his memory as he finally relented to the streak of anticipation igniting his soul. He felt he might implode or combust into a thousand brilliant stars, never having dreamt his little Lily bean would come to see the day when he’d arrive carrying gifts. ‘Her first birthday had better watch out,’ he acknowledged with mischief dancing in his eyes. As he prepared to enter the ward, he caught a glimpse of his own reflection, a smile creeping across his lips.

‘You sap, Max,’ he muttered to himself with a wry grin, seconds before stepping into the room where his daughter awaited her first anniversary gift. ‘Three months old, kiddo. The least I can do is give you a reason to make fun of me when you’re older”