---
Title: The Truth About Therapy and Gaslighting Yourself
Channel: HealthyGamerGG
Publish Date: 2024-09-21
Transcription:
the real gaslighting is your parents
telling you that the only way for me to
be happy is for you to achieve the real
gaslighting is oh you made a mistake how
could you be so stupid of course you
made a mistake you're learning so a lot
of people think that therapy is just
gaslighting yourself right and this is a
perspective that I tend to hear more and
more which is kind of like okay I have
this life things are objectively
challenging with your life right like so
you may be behind in life you have
difficulty dating you're still living at
home if you're in your 20s which by the
way 50% of people are doing so a lot of
times people will look at their lives
and they'll say to themselves my life is
objectively bad and if I go to therapy
is that just going to be me gaslighting
is the therapist going to Gaslight me
into believing that my life is better is
it actually a distortion from reality
they're like yeah like you're so great
like you're an amazing human being and
like you can put do anything that you
put your mind to man like you believe in
yourself but you look at your life and
you're like I don't have a reason to
believe in myself right there are the
people who believe in themselves and the
reason they believe in themselves is
because they actually accomplish stuff
but I don't actually accomplish things
right I am I've failed out of college
I've I procrastinate way more than I
should I play too many video games I
watch too much pornography all of these
like ideas of believing in yourself feel
like complete BS and then there's all
this stuff like acceptance right oh in
therapy like I learned to accept my
flaws but it's like I don't want to
accept my flaws I want to change them
right I don't want to be this way so
people get kind of confused and they ask
themselves okay is therapy basically
gaslighting myself I don't need to go to
therapy I need to actually fix my life
and so this is the core problem of
therapy is like we have all of these
experiences we have some of these
beliefs we have some of these facts and
I don't understand how talking about my
problems actually helps me fix them and
if I go to therapy you're going to have
some compassionate like H like believe
in yourself kind of therapist right
who's going to try to convince me that
I'm a decent human being but like I
don't want to be a decent human being I
don't want to just believe I'm a decent
human being I want to actually
accomplish stuff so that I can have a
good reason to have faith in myself so
it turns out that therapy is not
gaslighting yourself in fact it is the
exact opposite because all of the neg
not all but many of the negative beliefs
that you have about yourself are
actually the gasl
now you may say to yourself Dr K you
don't know my life I am genuinely I suck
at life and and like I don't there's all
these objective reasons I've never been
on a date I'm a virgin like this is true
this is not me gaslighting this is truth
it is truth it is not me gas liting so
that turns out to be somewhat correct
and this is where the subtle Nuance of
therapy actually comes in so I want yall
to understand why even if you failed up
until this point it is you who are doing
the gaslighting so let me explain okay I
know it sounds crazy I know it sounds
crazy hear me out hey y'all if you're
interested in applying some of the
principles that we discuss to your life
to actually create change check out Dr
K's guide to mental health the guide
synthesize my years of training as a
monk along with years of clinical
experience as a psychiatrist to cover
common topics like meditation ADHD and
Trauma the guides include over 100
additional videos that can be navigated
based on your needs or interests or in a
more open Choose Your Own Adventure
format the guides are now available in
the YouTube store below and if they're a
little bit outside of your price point
you can check out a piece of them with
our free resource packs which are also
linked below so definitely check them
out so we have to start by understanding
what a normal human being is right this
may not be you sorry such a dick thing
to say really though I I say this to
someone who's not a normal human being I
sucked at life you know I was a virgin
for a really long time whatever okay so
I'm I'm one of y'all okay so I I say
this with love so let's start by
understanding like what a normal human
being is so if we take a child a child
has confidence a child believes in
themselves confidence in belief in
yourself is actually the natural human
state right so if we really look at it
when does a child lose faith in
themselves and this is where we tend to
think that okay so I I lose faith in
myself because I'm a failure that is
incorrect it is objectively incorrect
I'll give you all a very simple example
so a child needs to learn how to walk
right and so they get get up and they
try to walk and they fall and then they
try again and they fall and they try
again and they fall and they fall and
they fall and they fall and they fall
and they fall despite the fact that a
child fails over and over and over and
over again they don't feel like a
failure a child feeling like a failure
is something that they are taught so now
if we really tunnel down into it the
people who believe that they're
fundamentally broken this is not
something that they do because they fail
it is something that they were taught
which causes them to fail so you have a
parent for example where nothing you
ever do is good enough so I sometimes
you know do therapy with Asian kids and
therapy with Asian kids is brutal
because no amount of accomplishment is
Ever Enough right they're like oh like
you got an A on the test you should get
why didn't you get A+ you got 98 why
didn't you get 100 one of the most
devastating things I've ever heard from
a patient is one patient once told me
when I get an 89 on a test why is it
that no one looks at the 89 questions I
got right and instead focuses on the 11
questions I got wrong why is the world
like this so the negative beliefs that
we have about ourselves are actually
things that are taught this is the
gaslighting right so if you grew up in a
household where you know things were
abusive or your parents were neglectful
or your parents don't know how to be
happy so they want to live through you
they're not happy in their own lives so
they put all of the pressure onto you
I am unhappy therefore if you screw up
then everything comes out right so this
is crazy but I was talking to someone
recently who was telling me that you
know the biggest challenge I have is my
parents don't know how to be happy and
it becomes my responsibility now whether
I get married on time whether I get the
right profession whether I have kids all
of these things my parents happiness is
dependent on me this kind of stuff leads
to gaslighting this is the real
gaslighting the real gaslighting is your
parents telling you that the only way
for me to be happy is for you to achieve
the real gaslighting is oh you made a
mistake how could you be so stupid of
course you made a mistake you're
learning and when people learn they make
mistakes but if you exist today and you
think to yourself oh my God I should be
perfect at everything I do if you look
around at the people around you say oh
my God that person is so great at
dancing this person is so great at
surfing look at how in shape that person
is this person is so good at socializing
and you look at yourself and you say I
am worse
I am bad if you make a self-based
judgment about your character or your
Brokenness as a human being because you
look at other people and you say they're
good and I'm bad that's the gaslighting
what's the difference between them and
you the difference is not that one is
bad and one is good it's that one person
was gaslit to not believe in themselves
whereas someone else was supported in
their Endeavors so you'll see this a lot
where like musicians have kids who are
also really great musicians oh my God
Talent it must run in the family n look
at how genetics are so good there could
be a genetic component but it turns out
that the parents that you grow up with
instill certain kinds of skills in you
they instill even things like a
worldview right and so the real
advantage of therapy is not that you
Gaslight yourself it is that you undo
all of the gaslighting that has been
done so far and this is the crazy thing
because if we look at the outcomes from
therapy what we begin to realize is that
our attitudes our perceptions all of
these things actually determine our
outcomes so when I perceive that I I'm
not very good at a subject how do I feel
and how do I respond so when some of the
patients that I've worked with
unfortunately when they feel like
they're not good at something they have
been taught right this is crazy theyve
been taught that no amount of effort
will make a difference this is why
they're lazy it's because when they were
very young they tried really hard and
then they could never make their parents
happy so if you can never make your
parents happy what do you learn about
the value of effort you begin to realize
that oh effort is a waste of my time
because nothing I ever do will be enough
and if you are someone who's looking at
your life and you say to yourself oh my
God I'm so far behind nothing I ever do
will be enough well hold on a second
think about how illogical that is
nothing I ever do if you put forth a
thousand hours of work that won't be
enough like that's crazy if you put
10,000 hours of work 20,000 hours of
work 30,000 hours of work that won't be
enough that is crazy this is how you've
already been gaslit so the value of
therapy is in undoing all of the
gaslighting that has been done so far
now a lot of people will say but
objectively I have this problem I have
this problem I have this problem and I
don't disagree with that right so your
your life may objectively be challenging
but the question is why what is it that
contributed to your life being
challenging if someone who's let's say
28 years old and you've never been in a
romantic relationship you look at
yourself and you blame yourself but then
the question becomes how is a
28-year-old what's the difference
between a 28-year-old who has a
relationship and a 28-year-old who's
never been in a relationship well I
don't know maybe it has something to do
with their parents maybe that one
person's parents are divorced and one
person's parents aren't maybe it has
something to do with the way that they
were socialized maybe it has something
to do with the way that their birthday
parties were organized so it's crazy one
of the best questions that I'll ask
people if I'm trying assess okay how
much was this patient neglected if I'm
trying to figure that out I'll ask one
really simple question did your parents
throw birthday parties for you did your
parents make sure you had friends did
your parents talk to you about your
friends did your parents notice if you
had these kinds of problems did they
intervene to try to help you move in the
right direction because the crazy thing
is that
self-esteem is a reflection of the
esteem that other people give you that's
where self-esteem comes from that's why
it's so hard to gain self-esteem because
we have this real scam where we call it
self-esteem because we think it comes
from us self-esteem is taught not
discovered it's crazy like I know look
oh I'm alo and I'm meditator and I will
meditate and if you find meditation you
will find that there is self-esteem deep
within you uh all that stuff is true I'm
not saying it isn't true but I'm saying
that for 95% of people right if we're
looking at normal human beings who don't
spend months like meditating in the
Himalayas right that's where I found
some of my self-esteem
but most of us don't have that what's
the difference between the normal people
who have self-esteem and the normal
people who don't have self-esteem it's
something that was taught the kids that
were supported the kids that were loved
the kids that were when they failed they
were taught that you can work hard and
if you work hard and I will help you and
you're not alone then they develop
self-esteem so therapy is not about
gaslighting yourself it is about undoing
the gaslighting so then the question
kind of becomes all right well so what
is the normal State of Mind how do I
know if my mind is healthy how can I
separate out between okay what is a real
belief and what is a fake belief where
does gaslighting end and where does
gaslighting begin you know it's kind of
like people will ask me that naturally
they're like okay fine so I undo the
negative beliefs how do I know what is
legitimate negative belief and what is a
illegitimate negative belief so now
we're going to turn a little bit to yoga
because I I like the yoga concept
because the yogic concept is very
subjective so it teaches you about you
know your mind from your perspective
from inside your mind so there are three
things to understand there are three
components of the mind that we're going
to focus on there's the Manas the buddhi
and the aamar so the Manus is the
emotional mind the Budd is the intellect
and the ahamkara is the ego so if you
are trying to understand how do I know
if my mind is working properly or if it
has been gaslit there are only three
things that you need to do the first
thing that you need to do is notice the
contribution of emotion now this is
important to understand because a lot of
people I work with will say oh I don't
feel emotion right doesn't bother me at
all I have emotion I have ice in my
veins I worked with a kid once who said
that you know people call me the icean
because I don't feel any emotion I have
no emotion so the first thing to
understand is there's a difference
between not feeling emotion and not
having emotion one it's not that you
don't have it it's that you're blind to
it right so we have this part of our
brain called the amydala and that is
part of this broader part of our brain
called the limic system this is our
emotional Circuit of the brain now I
hate to break it to y'all but these
circuits are active 24 hours a day 7
days a week right it's not like there's
some part of your body that just has no
blood flow or activity your kidneys are
active 24 hours a day your stomach is
active 24 hours a day maybe a little bit
more active maybe a little bit less
active there's still cellular
respiration even while I'm sleeping and
I'm not moving my hand there is cellular
respiration and cellular activity going
on in my hand the same is true of your
emotional circuitry it's active 24 hours
a day there are times where there's more
blood flow and less blood flow but it's
always active so the first thing to
understand if you're trying to figure
out am I being gas lit is this a real
thought is this a fair thought what is
the accurate thought is to notice the
impact of emotion so the first thing is
if you don't notice any emotion then you
cannot be thinking clearly right so I'll
give you all a simple example so if you
talk to someone who's angry and you ask
them hey are you upset they're like no
I'm not upset I'm perfectly logical I'm
not upset at all you're upset and how
logical are they how clear is their
thought process how thinking are they
appraising the situation appropriately
no no no I'm not I'm not I don't ever
get dumped you're going to get dumped
I'm dumping you before you dump me I'm
not tilting you're tilting I'm not
making a mistake in a video game we're
losing this game because of you how
logical are they behaving not at all oh
what's the matter bro are you tilted
angry much no I'm not angry you're
angry right this is idiocy so the first
thing to understand if you want to think
clearly is acknowledge the impact of
emotion if you cannot not acknowledge
the impact of emotion your thoughts are
not clear give you all another example
right so this is crazy but sometimes I
play games on the internet and even when
I get pissed I will say man I'm so angry
I'm so tilted right now bro I'm so
tilted feels like you've fed this game I
played a great game we were making a
comeback but you threw in the towel you
inted down man I'm so pissed off at you
the moment that you acknowledge what you
are feeling it changes the feelings
power over you right so if I say to
myself oh my God I'll be alone for the
rest of my life are you feeling sad are
you feeling hopeless no this is truth
this is objective I have evidence it's
not an emotion whereas what's the
alternative hey I'm feeling really
hopeless because I've been working on
this stuff for a long time I haven't
made any progress I feel hopeless the
moment that you acknowledge an emotion
at least you understand it's some of its
impact into your thought process the
moment that you acknowledge oh why am I
behaving this way it's because I'm
jealous wow how does jealousy shape my
thought process how does anger shape my
thought process how does sadness shape
my thought process because it is doing
it is doing the shaping that happens
right they're like that's fact that's
scientific fact but unless you
understand how sadness is shaping your
thought process you will never arrive at
the correct thought process oh I'm
feeling a little bit more hopeless so
everything seems negative to me but
since hopelessness causes me to view
things negatively things are not quite
as bad as what I perceive let me give it
24 hours and hopefully things will be
better do you all see the difference
huge night and day so this is the
importance of the Manus second thing to
think about is the a hum God or the ego
so this is the other part of our thought
process that if we miss this as a
component to our thought process then we
our thoughts will not be correct and we
will Gaslight ourselves into something
okay so I'll give you all a classic
example so when we talking about ego
best example is narcissism right so a
narcissist never believes that they're
narcissist istic right that's the whole
problem with narcissism they have no
insight into how egotistical they are
being and so if they have no Insight
they are not Vie the world in the
correct way so what do what is the what
do we do in in Psychotherapy with
narcissists we help them develop insight
into their own narcissism and it's not
that it disappears overnight but once
they begin to realize oh this is my
narcissism this is my ego right why am I
insulting this person why am I avoiding
going to my friends birthday party it's
because I feel inferior to them I feel
like they're so far ahead of me and I
don't like the way that my feels my ego
feels bruised when I meet them and they
say hey bro what are you up to and this
is a real story from my life you know I
went to this Christmas party and I met a
friend of mine from high school I hadn't
seen her in six years and I was like hey
what are you up to she's like oh yeah
I'm like I just finished med school and
I'm going to be an opthalmologist right
so I I just started you know I started
my internship in Opthalmology about 6
months ago and she's like what are you
doing and I said I'm applying to med
school same age went to the same High
School sat next to each other she's
already done and I haven't even started
it's not even clear if I will be able to
start such a blow to the ego so there
are two things to keep in mind in terms
of ego anytime your mind makes a
comparison that is the action of ego
anytime your mind pumps yourself up or
puts you down or puts someone else up or
puts them down that is also the action
of ego if youall want more details on
this check out our videos on vicy
psychology we go into a lot more detail
there but the key thing to understand is
when we are trying to think about our
thought process and what is gaslighting
and what isn't the presence of ego will
allow our thought process to be messed
up right so when we believe ourselves is
low oh this person is so much smarter
than me the my partner my romantic
partner they're so much better than me
I'm so much worse than them they're so
capable I'm so incapable that's ego
right it is a sort of negative ego which
you can absolutely have and this is what
I like about the yogic system is that
even insecurities are a form of ego it
is a belief about yourself I am a loser
that is ego because it is an anything
that I am dot dot dot anything that
comes after the I am dot dot dot is ego
that is the action of ego so once you
notice the action of ego then your
thought process will be better as well
oh I feel inferior therefore I don't
want to go to this party I'm making a
comparison therefore I look at my friend
who and I don't know if y'all have ever
done this I do this all the time or used
to really is I used to look at my
friends who are better than me at
something and then I would say to myself
I can't do it right I don't want to be I
can't do it but of course I can do it I
just can't do it as well as them and
there's a huge difference between those
two statements so this is the second
thing that we really need to focus on
now in terms of the intellect I think
there are certain ways to train the
intellect but in my experience with the
patients that I've worked with 95% of
people don't have a problem with their
intellect they have a problem with their
ego or a problem with their emotions so
if you want to discover the right way to
think how do I use how do I utilize my
brain in the correct way what is the
correct way to think it is very simple
if you look at your thought process can
you understand the impact of emotions on
your thought process if you do not see
the impact of emotions on your thought
process you're making a mistake oh my
God Wall Street bets Diamond hands baby
ape strong I'm going to buy this crypto
coin stupid idiot coin because it's a
meme coin and I'm going to make so much
money I'm make a million dollars I'm
make a billion dollars not even dollars
I'm make a billion Bitcoin oh yeah
that's because of your mind you have an
emotion you have excitement or when
people YOLO right it's not just
excitement they hate their current life
I want this life to change I'm desperate
for this life to change I'm looking for
a Magic Bullet that will fix my life
they're operating based on desper ation
could be right who knows so the point is
notice the impact of emotion second
thing is notice the impact of ego how do
I feel about myself in this situation do
I feel inferior do I feel Superior how
does the feeling of being inferior or
how does the feeling of inferiority
shape my thought process because when
you feel inferior it negatively shapes
your thought process that itself is a
distortion and this is what we do in
therapy right so this is why therapy is
great it's not about about convincing
you that you're a good person it is
about objectively understanding what are
the distortions in your mind how do
those distortions shape you and the
crazy thing about therapy at least in my
opinion is that it's not about all the
positive right like what do we talk
about you're like crying a lot and
you're talking about your traumas and in
therapy at least with my patients I try
really hard to objectively look at their
weaknesses but there is a huge
difference because once you objectively
find a weak
and you acknowledge your ego I feel like
a loser and I've never had a date in my
life so one of those statements is true
right you've never had a date in your
life that's an objective fact and I feel
like a loser now as long as you feel
like a loser never having a date in your
life becomes a destiny when you are a
loser your past becomes your future
right since I'm so far behind I will
never be able to catch up but that is a
construction of the Mind if you've never
had a date in your life and you're 28
years old there's two paths in front of
you one is that you could learn how to
date and the second is that you can
believe that you are destined to never
date and I'm not saying that the people
who have never had a date they haven't
tried right of course you all have tried
I know yall have tried really really
hard you're incredibly intelligent and
often times y'all work way harder than
the normies do the difference though is
that you are Shackled by this sense of
ego every single time you go on a date
in the the back of your mind I am a
loser I am a loser I am a loser and so
every sort of little thing you someone
doesn't respond to your text in two
hours oh I'm not a good person they're
not that into me of course they found
someone else right these are the
negative thoughts that populate your
mind and this is what's crazy right this
is the gaslighting it's not that they
found someone else within 2 hours it's
that they were like in a tunnel or
something like that and they didn't have
reception like I don't know right
there's a thousand other reasons why
anyone could not respond to you but once
you this ego construction once you've
gaslit yourself which by the way they
found someone better than me makes sense
right cuz depending on how you grew up
if you were the if you had a sibling who
was The Golden Child then of there's all
literally in the house there's always
someone who's been better than you so
this is the real gaslighting and therapy
is not about gaslighting you in the
right direction it's about removing the
gaslighting and hopefully then once you
remove the gas lighting you can actually
look at your flaws and once you look at
your claws then you can start working on
them hopefully with the compassionate
support of an individual who can help
you okay so I know that a lot of people
think that therapy is just gaslighting
yourself in the right direction it's not
gaslighting yourself in the right
direction it is removing the gaslighting
and the best way for you to discover
that is to give it a shot so a child
wants to learn how to walk
well C I need to calm down
B

---
From the video transcription above, take important points and key lesson in chronological order and then turn it into 20 high-quality multiple-choice questions. 
Each question should have 4 answer choices, with only one correct answer. 
Questions SHOULD  NOT contain references/mentions to the video or speaker, because the context is already given outside the questions.
Answer choices need to  be medium-hard means that the correct answer shouldn't be a very obviously distinguishable 
Format the output as a JSON array, where each object in the array represents a question and follows this structure:
```
[
{
  "text": "Question text here",
  "choices": ["Choice A", "Choice B", "Choice C", "Choice D"],
  "correctAnswerIndex": 0
}
]
```

Ensure that the "correctAnswerIndex" corresponds to the index of the correct answer in the "choices" array (0-3).