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Assistant: Title: Despite Panic
        Author: MadDAlice MadDAlice 
        Chapter: 1/43 
        Summary: Elphaba slowly learns about Galinda's panic attacks through the course of their relationship.
        Contents: Chapter 1
    

    


  

  
  
    
    Elphaba had seen  it  happen once, back when her and Galinda were swirling around in a whirlwind of loathing. Though at the time, Elphaba wasn’t exactly sure what  it had been.  Two slow months had passed since their arrival at Shiz. Upon reflection, Elphaba realized it had been the day Galinda would prove herself capable of creating any catastrophe with her  stupid, insolent, and incessant  need to be the loudest person in the room. Elphaba figured that maybe if she herself had been born different, she’d be able to understand that need a little more, but now it seemed unfathomable to her. Slipping into the background like a silent silhouette or existing in the shadows (however isolating it might be) seemed a profound luxury to Elphaba and it enraged her to no end that Galinda never appreciated what she had - that  wonderful, peaceful, impeccable  ability to  blend in.    No, Galinda did not appreciate it,  Elphaba bitterly thought.  In fact, she seemed MOST insistent on ignoring it and inciting every eye to fall upon her.   And so every eye did fall, as Galinda opened her mouth to protest something about a sorcery class. And so Morrible took the chance to stuff poor Elphaba in a room with the  horrible, boring, brainless, and worst of all BLONDE girl.  Over the course of the two months, the girls had existed mostly in silence, though the first two weeks were spent turbulently. They argued at every turn those first few weeks and though Elphaba wasn’t proud to admit it, she had even threatened to set Galinda’s clothes on fire (with a power she wasn’t  exactly  sure she had, but Galinda needn’t know). Still, after the whirlwind of those first weeks settled, the girls seemed to grow weary of the constant chaos and endless swirling anger. Thus, they bitterly resigned themselves to a silent loathing that could be expressed simply through bitter looks and distasteful  hums when the other did something that displeased the first.  Galinda hadn’t mentioned her parent’s visit to Elphaba, which struck Elphaba as slightly strange. She had happened to overhear a conversation between Pfannee and Milla about Galinda’s parents taking the trip, and readily prepared herself for some rude comment from Galinda in the following days. She had steeled herself for the  stay away, go away, in fact, never come back, but none of the words spilled out of Galinda’s mouth. In fact, with one day to go before the Upland’s arrival, Galinda hadn’t made any mention of the trip and Elphaba hadn’t cared to press the issue.  Still, Elphaba had made other preparations. She would stay the night with Nessa (who had reluctantly allowed a one-night sleepover on the off-chance it might help Galinda). It’s not that Elphaba herself particularly cared about Galinda’s comfort during the whole ordeal. Rather, she simply couldn’t stand to witness the Upland’s fawning all over their  precious, perfect, pious  daughter. Meanwhile, Elphaba’s own father couldn’t even bother himself with a reply to a  singular letter.   No, no.  Elphaba thought.  No need to watch some love showered upon a shallow girl. Some love I’ll never know.   So, Elphaba had arranged an extra lesson with Morrible in the evening of the Upland’s arrival, after which she would head to Nessa’s room and spend the night. Galinda wouldn’t miss her. In fact, Galinda likely wouldn’t even notice Elphaba’s absence. It had (of course) occurred to her that a fun way to irk and irritate her roommate would be demanding to stay in their shared room, since Galinda would certainly ask her to leave. Still, Elphaba had struggled through a lonesome and ever-judgmental two months at Shiz, and simply couldn’t stand to suffer  one  more awful look from  one more awful person.   Better,  Elphaba thought.  To just stay far away.   The night before the Upland’s arrival, Elphaba lay stretched out on her bed reading  A History of Oz.  She smiled to herself as she enjoyed the peaceful company of  absolutely no one. Galinda had some class that Elphaba had never cared to ask about. She only knew it was on Galinda’s schedule because Galinda was never in their shared saturated pink room from the hours of 6 - 8 pm on a Tuesday night. Elphaba checked her watch.   7 pm,  she thought.  Still one whole hour of silent bliss until a chaotic blonde crashes into the room.   But just like Galinda demanded attention during her moments of presence, it seemed she also demanded attention if anyone thought she was away. As Elphaba prepared to turn another page on  the symbolism of rainbows, the heavy door burst open with a sudden thud and the blonde swept across the floorboards.  Right away, Elphaba could tell that something was  off  with her roommate. It was  not  because she cared about Galinda,  no no never that.  Rather, her perception was the result of having shared such close space with Galinda for the past two months. This closeness and perception was the result of sharing space with anyone and Elphaba was not immune to it, as much as Galinda irked her. She knew Galinda’s habits as well as her own. Elphaba knew that Galinda possessed an infernally annoying habit of humming to herself as she brushed her teeth. Elphaba knew that her footsteps were always light taps that sounded much like someone dancing to a simple tune. Elphaba knew that Galinda, for some unknown reason, always said  good morning, Galinda(!)  to herself as she rose from her bed. In some ways, Elphaba felt like she had been forced to know  everything  about Galinda. She was certain that it was Oz’s great gift of irony that she probably knew and understood sides of Galinda that none of her friends had ever seen, or ever known. Galinda never snored. Galinda breathed in quick patterns inside her dreams. She lost track of time while brushing her hair.  Apparently  she loved wind. She  always had a snarky retort for Elphaba whenever she entered the room.   Trying to get a tan. She had once smirked at Elphaba sitting in front of their window.   Does it bother you when people eat spinach? She had once giggled.  But Galinda’s favorite saying was one she said as she pretended to sigh to herself.   Oh my dear,  she would sigh.  Oh I was praying you had melted in my time away.   Galinda was cruel, but Elphaba knew and understood Galinda’s cruelty almost as well as she knew Galinda. Elphaba  thought she knew what to expect.  But tonight…. something  was  certainly off.   Tonight, Galinda didn’t even glance at Elphaba as she entered the room. Galinda’s feet sounded far more like a  trudge, rather than a dance. And Galinda was breathing at the same rapid rate as she did during her dreams.  “Galinda -” Elphaba stared in surprise, more than genuine care.  But Galinda either didn’t notice or hear her.  Instead, Galinda swept a direct path into their shared bathroom. Then, she quickly stepped inside and slammed the door.   Now THAT was a break in routine. Elphaba had thought.  Nothing Galinda ever did was  loud.  No, Galinda was  always soft, dainty, pious, perfectly calm and poised.   Elphaba hesitated, unsure of what she should say or do, if anything. She raised herself off the bed and began to walk to the bathroom door. Then, she paused and shook her head, deciding firmly against approaching the door.   What if Galinda’s sick?  She thought.  She’d want a little privacy. Maybe, I should just leave. Nessa wouldn’t mind one more night.   But a second smaller voice inside her head prevented her feet from approaching the heavy room door.   No,  the voice whispered.  No no. What if something is genuinely wrong?   Elphaba sighed, returning to her bed to sit down. She re-opened her book, deciding to read and wait for a few minutes to see if Galinda emerged from their bathroom. She tried to read the words on the page, but they all appeared to blur together in a great big incomprehensible blob. She shook her head. Tried to read one sentence. Moved onto the next set of words. Forgot the content of the first sentence.   Oz!  She cursed to herself.  Galinda was infuriating. Can’t even read my book because she’s decided to storm into the room and into the bathroom and….  
   She’s been in the bathroom a long time.  
 Elphaba paused. She tried to read again as she waited a little longer for Galinda.  Oz, what was taking the girl so long?  She paused again. She waited again.  Oz, come on. She waited again. She tried to read again. Then….  Oz!  She spat to herself as she threw her book atop her pillowcase.  FINE.   Elphaba slipped off her bed, walked to the bathroom, and with slight hesitation, tapped lightly on the door.  “Galinda.” She lightly called.  No answer.  Elphaba tapped again. Slightly louder.  “Galinda.” She raised her voice.  Still no answer.  “Galinda!”  
   Nothing.  
 A quick thought crossed Elphaba’s mind -  was Galinda playing a prank?  She shook her head as she considered these words.  No. That would be an odd joke, even for Galinda. As brainless as that blonde is, I can’t imagine her doing something like this.   But then…. what was it?   A tight panic had begun to clinch Elphaba’s chest. Sure, her roommate had marched Elphaba to the brink of insanity  time and time again,  but this time was something different. This broke routine. It broke habits. It broke everything. Sure, Galinda could be  infuriating.  Nevertheless, she was also  predictable.   Whatever  THIS was….it certainly had no prediction.  “Galinda!” Elphaba called again, trying to disguise the tight panic in her voice. When there was no answer yet again, Elphaba started to shake the doorknob, ignoring how it may seem to her roommate who evidently was in some kind of distress.  “Galinda!”  Elphaba shook and shook the doorknob.  
   Oh Oz, why hadn’t she focused harder in Morrible’s lessons, just to get this horrible door to open, just to -  
 “Galinda!”  
   Just to get it to open, just focus, just -  
Then, the door swung and Elphaba staggered back. At first, a small smile of triumph stole across Elphaba’s mouth, as she assumed that  she  must have opened the door. But the quick smile soon dissipated as she saw Galinda on the other side looking  terribly not like Galinda.   Galinda’s eyes were rimmed-red and vacant. She seemed to not even  really  notice that Elphaba was standing there like a crazy woman; a far cry from all the times she had simply  pretended  not to notice Elphaba’s presence. Galinda’s shoulders hung heavily, unlike the light posture Elphaba was so used to seeing, and it appeared that she was struggling to hold her own head up. Galinda’s hair fell loosely around her face, no semblance of organization or the usual supposed  ease at which her blonde locks illustriously cradled her cheekbones.  “Galinda.” Elphaba stammered. “Ummmm, are you alright?”  Still, Galinda did not turn her head. Rather, she walked in a daze to her bed, footsteps heavy (not usually light).  Finally, she reached her pink tossed sheets and collapsed upon them.  Elphaba stood there, uncertain.  “Do you -” Elphaba stammered again. “I mean, I’ll go get Milla and Pfanne.”   I’ll get anyone,  Elphaba quickly thought.  To just get me out of here.   Elphaba turned on her heels to leave the room until she heard Galinda’s small voice, straining against the smothering pillows and sheets.  “No, please.”  Elphaba paused.  “Okay.” She finally said.  She walked over to Galinda’s bed where Galinda lay unmoving.  “Galinda.” She tried to speak gently. “Maybe, you should turn over so you can at least breathe.”  Galinda did not respond.  Elphaba reached a shaking hand out to Galinda, but quickly pulled it back as Galinda’s words about her green skin clammered angrily inside of her head.  “Okay.” Elphaba whispered. “Look, I’ll….I’ll get you some water. And I’ll just put it right down next to you.”  She slipped away from Galinda’s small form and grabbed Galinda’s pink water bottle from her bedside table. Stepping into the bathroom, Elphaba filled the bottle to the brim and caught a glimpse of her own panicked eyes inside the mirror.   It’s fine.  She tried to tell herself.  It’s Galinda. She’s just over-reacting. Something just didn’t go her way.   Still, a small instinct told Elphaba she was wrong.  Elphaba screwed the pink top upon the pink bottle and stepped outside the bathroom. She walked cautiously to Galinda’s small form, and placed the bottle upon the nightstand.  “When you’re ready.” Elphaba mumbled.  Galinda didn’t move.  “Galinda.” Elphaba said softly. “I’m…I’m going to stay here. If you want me to leave, that’s alright. I can go to Nessa’s for the night. But I’m going to stay if you don’t tell me.”  Elphaba walked slowly across to her own bed and silently slipped the sheets over her head. She didn’t get much sleep as she waited upon Galinda’s small voice to ask her  to depart the room.  But Galinda never asked. So Elphaba never left.  Later that night however, Elphaba did hear Galinda shift from her own bed, grab the pink water bottle, unscrew the lid and take a small sip. 
  
  
In the morning, Elphaba awoke to a soft-sing-song voice.  “Good morning, Miss Galinda!”  Elphaba jolted up from her pillowcase to cast a quick glance at her roommate, who held her thin arms outstretched. She was smiling and looking around the room as if there were a million admirers all responding  good morning, Miss Galinda(!) in return.   So…..  Elphaba hesitantly thought.  This was normal.   Galinda swung her feet over the bed, not casting any look in Elphaba’s direction. Elphaba, for her own part, was entirely  unsure  of what  exactly  to say in this situation that was  so normal  after the  complete abnormality of last night.  So, Elphaba stuttered a weak,  “Are you okay?”  “No.” Galinda sighed. “I’m not.”  Elphaba inhaled sharply, a sudden pang of  something  hit her chest. Perhaps, Galinda was going to  finally  open up to her. Perhaps, they were  finally  becoming close. Perhaps, the water bottle had meant  something. Perhaps….. “In case you hadn’t noticed,” Galinda said sweetly. “I’m roommates with some freak.”  The feeling in Elphaba’s chest evaporated as quickly as it had appeared.  “Oh?” Elphaba snapped back. “Is that what your little  dramatics were last night?”  For a split second, Elphaba thought she saw Galinda’s poised sweet smile slip, but Galinda quickly recovered her near-plastic posture.  “It’s not dramatic to want a better life, Miss Elphaba.” She hummed.  “Right.” Elphaba rolled her eyes. “ So sorry my presence is preventing you from getting it.”  “Not to matter.” Galinda touched her feet lightly to the ground. As she rose and walked, Elphaba heard that familiar  tap tap tap. Like a dance.  The rest of the morning had proceeded in silence. Just Galinda’s swift dancing feet and Elphaba’s own heavy ones, until Galinda finally spoke again as they departed the room for their first class.  “Oh.” Galinda smiled. “Miss Elphaba if you please. Never touch my water bottle again.”  “Not to matter.” Elphaba mimicked as she walked out of the room. “Not to matter.”  Then, before she was fully out of the door’s open threshold, Elphaba swiftly flicked her wrist to send the pink water bottle flying across the room, slamming against the glass of the window.  “Look.” Elphaha said calmly. “More wind.”  And before Galinda could speak again about how  they just got the window fixed, Elphaba turned swiftly down the hall.  Their first period class, Galinda slid effortlessly into her seat between Milla and Pfannee. Elphaba sat, as usual, in a row alone, directly ahead.  “So….” She overheard Milla begin.  “So?” Galinda asked with a lift of innocence to her voice.  “Where in Oz did you go?” Pfannee interjected. “You can’t just  leave  a class like  that. Coddle looked like she was about to have your head. Whatever could have been –”  “She got a 20 on the test.” Milla giggled. “I saw it.”  Elphaba craned her ears, even though she knew it was wrong.  Oz,  she dare say that Milla girl was worse than Galinda. At the  very least,  Galinda wasn’t  pettily throwing other people’s secrets out.   There will be a strange delight,  Elphaba considered.  To hear Galinda properly put Milla into her place.   But much to Elphaba’s surprise, Galinda didn’t say  anything in response. Instead, it was Pfannee who spoke again.  “Ohhh.” Pfannee murmured. “Not a good look with the parentals appearing today, say they’re coming today right? Do we get to -”  “No.” Galinda suddenly spoke. “No. They’re not coming.”  Then, Galinda leaned forward.  “You don’t need to worry about rooming with Nessa.” She addressed Elphaba.  Elphaba turned around in surprise.  “Eavesdrop much artichoke?” Galinda smirked.  Any other time, Elphaba would have offered a quick retort or properly put Galinda in place, like Galinda  should have done  with Milla. But as she observed the smirk upon Galinda’s mouth she saw that it didn’t quite reach her eyes, didn’t quite have a  full amount of malice, and Galinda’s shoulder’s still weren’t firmly held upwards as they had been this morning.  So instead, Elphaba settled upon,  “Okay. Thank you for letting me know.”  A look of soft surprise seemed to strike Galinda’s face as she leaned slowly backwards, eyes still trailed Elphaba. Elphaba turned around and as the voice of her professor rang out, she found herself unusually distracted with thoughts of Galinda, and  last night,  and  that half smirk,  and the fact that  ironically, for better or for worse,  she was staring to understand that  maybe,  she was the only one who would ever  really see Galinda.'
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