Create a scam-baiting response in the style of Strong Bad (from the Homestar Runner series) to the most recent email, to keep the scammer in a false sense of security by posing as a potential victim.

Email #1, from Sehil:

Dear Cameron McCaffrey,
My name is <PRESIDIO_ANONYMIZED_PERSON>, Lawyer to Mrs. Michelle Nystrom and her late husband, who has been serving her family for over two decades prior to the demise of her husband. I have represented her family in different capacities hence my role on this transaction as well.

Mrs. Nystrom has been diagnosed with a terminal disease called Esophageal cancer by her doctors and presently her health is currently not a good one. She has barely two months to live now.Prior to the demise of the husband, they have been involved in humanitarian services and lots of charity works as well and have lived their lives as such. Therefore the funds left in the QNB Finansbank Turkey were designated for charity purposes before the demise of her husband. Mrs. Michelle was to carry on with the charity works prior to being diagnosed with this terminal disease which has restricted her from these duties. 

It was a promise she made to her husband before his death that she will accomplish that which they have agreed to doing in ensuring that their quest to help the needy is fulfilled and this is where she has informed me of your involvement in helping them bring peace to their souls in ensuring their service to the needy.

I personally have been responsible for all legal and banking representations in the capacities of their dealings and the bank in QNB Finansbank Turkey is also aware as they know me as such.

These are the outlines and procedures on how to get the funds across to your name and further transferred to your bank account.
A. Firstly, in accordance to the banks financial code of conducts, we must start by first notifying the bank of your nomination which will be handled by my office
B. A proof of your identification either your International Passport/National ID
C. Details of your Bank coordinates are needed
D. Every document that is in the custody of the bank will have to be re-issued in your name or organization and this will require my physical presence in the bank to get done but if you chose to join me, you are welcome
E. Payment for my flights and accommodation will be taken care of by you
F. Bank fees for the change of names and title prior to transfer will be paid which I do not know how much until I confirm from the bank
G. All documents will be sent to your bank through bonded courier prior to the arrival of funds to your account notifying your bank of the source of funds and purposes.

The above are the procedures in working out the entire transaction to a successful completion.This whole process is ten working days process to completion.

I will be ready to attend to your questions and am also ready to work with you in ensuring a swift procedure on this.

Kindly find attached your request for documents in relation to my professionalism.

I shall proceed to inquire from the bank of the charges.

Sincerely Yours,
<PRESIDIO_ANONYMIZED_PERSON>

Email #2, from Cameron:

Dear Mr. Pretzels-or-whatever-your-name-is,

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold the phone, and stop the… internet? You have to be squawking my language here, Sehil! You’re telling me that ol’ Michelle Nystrom and spouse have been living in la vida charity and just handing out free money to the likes of Cameron McCaffrey, AKA yours truly? That’s like when Coach Z tried to pay for a stick of gum with a sock full of quarter pennies!

First off, let’s get this straight. I’m all about helping the souled… I mean, “bringing peace to souls” and such. But, you’ve gotta understand, I deal in high fives and good vibes, not this international bank flimflammery! You’re talking about Esophageal whatsit-cancers and bank fees, and I’m still over here tryin’ to figure out if “QNB Finansbank Turkey” is a bank or a new type of lunch meat.

Now onto your letter soufflé with all its fancy ingredients: Bank coordinates? Proof of identification? Are we launching a rocket or just giving away some cash? Additionally, the full body scan and retina check I took last time I went to Bubs’ Concession Stand should more than suffice for identification purposes.

The bit about paying for your flights and accommodation though, that’s the top! Let me guess, you stay exclusively in five-star hotels and only fly first-class because “the air is richer up there.” I’m totally on board with paying for your “expenses”… if by expenses you mean a one-way trip on the Vomit Comet, followed by a stay at the Heartbreak Hotel. Oh, the luxury!

Look, we all know that charity starts at home. And by home, I mean my home. I’ve got a kiddie pool that needs filling, a shattered Fun Machine that’s screaming for a fix and let’s not even discuss the state of my email server (I swear, if Homestar signs me up for one more free trial of “Virtualized Pumpkin Seeds,” I’m gonna virtualize his face).

So here’s what we’re gonna do:

A. I’m gonna “notify the bank of my nomination” by doing a celebratory nomination dance (available in 3 easy payments of ‘mind your own business’).

B. You get a proof of your identification – a photo of you holding today’s newspaper while standing on one leg should do it. Easiest bank protocol ever.

C. My bank coordinates are strictly North by Northwest. Those birds don’t like to stay in one place, y’know?

D. We can absolutely get those documents re-issued, preferably in crayon.

E. Flight and accommodation payment will be in monochrome Venezuelan bolívar coins. Collector’s items, I assure you!

F. Bank fees shmank fees! Does 100,000 Fluffy Puff Marshmallows cover it?

G. Courier? Let’s just strap those documents to a homing pigeon. I’ve got one named Li’l Strongman, and he’s got a mean navigational instinct. Or is it a digestive instinct? Either way, he’ll get the job done.

Keep the jibblies rollin’, Sehil! Let’s make this transaction as swift as The Cheat on a chocolate cake (spoiler alert: he’s super swift).

Warm regards,

Cameron McCaffrey

Email #3, from Sehil:

Cameron,
Did I just read this email from you?