Chapter2 Coaching Relationship Skills
OBJECTIVES
After reading this chapter, you will be able to:
o	Define the coaching relationship, the “heart of coaching.”
o	Describe the skills for establishing trust and building rapport within a coaching relationship.
o	Name and discuss three core coaching skills.
o	Identify the skills for mindful listening, open-ended inquiry, and perceptive reflections.
o	Identify additional tools for developing the coaching relationship.
o	Connect the building of strong relationships to self-determination theory.
Relationship: The Heart of Coaching and Growth
A trusting, authentic, and connected bond between coach and client is the first goal of any coaching relationship. The following summarizes the perspectives of a variety of expert coaches and coaching organizations who place high value on the coach-client relationship:
“Coaching Mastery: Establishing and maintaining a relationship of trust.
Definition: Ensure a safe space and supportive relationship for personal growth, discovery, and transformation.
Effect: The client is open to sharing and receiving; the client perceives the coach as a personal advocate; the client sees transformation and growth as manageable; and the client has realistic expectations of results and responsibilities of coaching.
Key Elements: Mutual respect and acceptance; confidence and reassurance; and the client feels safe to share fears without judgment from the coach.”—International Association of Coaching, 2014
“Coaching Competency: Co-creating the Relationship
How: Establishing trust and intimacy with the client—ability to create a safe, supportive environment that produces ongoing mutual respect and trust.
o	Shows genuine concern for the client’s welfare and future
o	Continuously demonstrates personal integrity, honesty and sincerity
o	Establishes clear agreements and keeps promises
o	Demonstrates respect for client’s perceptions, learning style, personal being
o	Provides ongoing support for and champions new behaviors and actions, including those involving risk-taking and fear of failure
o	Asks permission to coach client in sensitive, new areas”—International Coach Federation, 2014
“Coaching is that part of a relationship in which a person is primarily dedicated to serving the long-term development, competence, self-generation, and aliveness in the other.”—Doug Silsbee, Presence-Based Coaching, 2008
“Coaching is the art of creating an environment through conversation and a way of being that facilitates the process by which a person can move toward desired goals in a fulfilling manner.”—Tim Gallwey, The Inner Game of Work, 2000, p. 177
“Coaching is a process that fosters self-awareness and that results in the motivation to change as well as the guidance needed if change is to take place in ways that meet organizational performance needs.”—David Dotlich and Peter Cairo, Action Coaching, 1999, p. 31
“Coaching is essentially a growth and results-oriented conversation—a dialog between a coach and a coachee. Coaching helps individuals access what they can discover given a deeply reflective and collaborative mindset. Clients may never have asked themselves the coach’s questions, and they have a greater ability to discover answers than they often appreciate. A coach assists, supports, and encourages individuals to discover their answers. Coaching is about fostering learning—yet a coach is not a teacher and does not always know how to do things better than the client. A coach can notice and observe patterns, set a stage for new actions, and then work with a client to put these new, more successful actions into place.
Through various coaching techniques such as listening, reflecting, asking questions, and providing information, clients become more self-reflective, self-correcting, and self-generating. Coaching starts by asking the right questions—a coach engages in a collaborative alliance with the individual to establish and clarify purpose and goals and to develop a plan of action to achieve these goals.”—Perry Zeus and Suzanne Skiffington, The Complete Guide to Coaching at Work, 2000, p. 3
Despite nuances of perspective and emphasis, these definitions of coaching share a common denominator: relationship. Human beings are fundamentally and pervasively motivated by a need to belong, by a strong desire to form and maintain enduring personal attachments; they seek frequent positive interaction within the context of long-term, caring relationships (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
Coaching is one such growth-fostering relationship that enables clients to reach their goals and get closer to their visions.
It has long been thought that the relationship between a helper (therapist or coach) and a client is the fundamental ingredient in positive outcomes. This was confirmed in a meta-analysis completed by Norcross and Lambert (2010), which found that the therapy relationship makes substantial and consistent contributions to patient success in all types of psychotherapy studied (e.g., psychodynamic, humanistic, cognitive, behavioral, systemic) and accounts for why clients improve (or fail to improve) as much as the particular treatment method (Norcross & Lambert, 2010). Based on coaching research, De Haan (2008) reports that the quality of the coach-client relationship (also called “working alliance”) is the best predictor of client success. It’s not that the client who experienced positive outcomes described the relationship as positive, but that a relationship deemed positive at the beginning of the engagement leads to subsequent positive outcomes. The second most important factor reported was a set of personal characteristics for the coach—being empathetic, inspiring confidence, appearing competent, his or her own positive mental health, and the ability of the coach to operate from the client’s value system (Fig. 2.1) (De Haan, 2008).
The core coaching skills described in this chapter are also consistent with International Coach Federation’s core coaching competencies (International Coach Federation, 2014) and the International Association of Coaching’s list of coaching masteries (certifiedcoach.org) and are widely taught by coach education and training schools. These skills are not new discoveries by coaches; rather, they are foundational relational skills of counseling and clinical psychologists and are core skills of the motivational interviewing approach used both in therapy and in coaching. Most importantly, a respectful, collaborative, client-centered coaching relationship also supports self-determination.
“Many models of intervention and change have suggested that the practitioner-patient relationship is an important medium and vehicle of change. In healthcare this is especially so, as vulnerable individuals, often lacking in technical expertise, look for the inputs and guidance of professionals. In this process, a sense of being respected, understood, and cared for is essential to forming the experiences of connection and trust that allow for internalization to occur.” (Ryan et al., 2008).
Relatedness, one of the key components in the development of self-determination, is nurtured when one is in a relationship; it conveys respect, and the individual feels valued and experiences warmth and empathy from the coach.
Establishing Trust and Rapport
The coaching relationship requires the establishment of strong trust and rapport in order to generate a productive and fulfilling change process. When trust and rapport are absent, so is a growth-fostering environment. Megan Tschannen-Moran (2004) defines trust as the “willingness to be vulnerable to another based on the confidence that the other is benevolent, honest, open, reliable, and competent.” Understanding the importance of these five qualities, masterful coaches pay constant attention to using them in every conversation. Additional dimensions of relationship building are expanded in the following.
Hold Unconditional Positive Regard
According to Carl Rogers (1995), unconditional positive regard is defined as “being completely accepting toward another person, without reservations.” Holding such regard for clients is essential for establishing rapport and trust. The coaching alliance will be weak and unsuccessful if clients do not believe that their coaches are on their side, accepting them unconditionally.
Judgment, criticism, and disappointment—both spoken and unspoken—do not motivate or support behavior change. It is not appropriate for the coach to point out clients’ shortcomings and teach them better ways; rather, a coach is called to champion clients’ strengths and invite them to figure out better ways. When a coach believes in his or her clients and holds positive regard for them—regardless of what they do or do not accomplish—the relationship can bolster both self-efficacy and self-esteem. Unfailing positive regard is the key to establishing rapport and trust, and it is the foundation for masterful coaching.
Show Empathy
Traditionally, empathy is defined as “the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else’s feelings.” The difficulty with this view of empathy in the coaching relationship is that it can distract from the focus on the client’s agenda and shift focus to the experience (feelings, perspectives, opinions) of the coach. This can lead to more undesirable attitudes such as sympathy (identifying with the client’s experience on an emotional level and experiencing the same emotions or emotional contagion) and pity (a strong feeling of sadness or sympathy for someone or something that causes sadness or disappointment).
In the context of coaching, empathy is more accurately defined as a respectful understanding of another person’s experience, including his or her feelings, needs, and desires. From this perspective, empathy is quite different from sympathy. Someone who is sympathetic identifies with another’s experience, whereas an empathetic person seeks to understand and appreciate that experience. And empathy acknowledges the client’s right to feel and experience the situation however he or she chooses without needing pity, sadness, or disappointment from the coach. Coaching is made possible by empathic engagement that builds relationships and facilitates growth.
Empathy helps build trust and rapport. When clients are struggling, it's especially important to connect with their feelings, needs, and desires in a positive, supportive, and understanding way. When clients feel judged, their self-efficacy and readiness to change may be undermined. When clients feel a lack of compassion, they may become resistant to coaching resources.
Be a Humble Role Model
To develop trust and rapport with clients, coaches serve as humble role models for optimal health and wellness, “walking the talk” without being boastful, arrogant, or rude. Humility is present when a coach is continually working on his or her own fulfillment, balance, health, fitness, and well-being, knowing there is still much to learn. The challenge is to be a role model without placing oneself on a pedestal or talking too much about one’s own successes. The key is to never dominate the conversation with one's own experiences in an eagerness to help and to always remain humble.
At the start of a coaching partnership, coaches typically deliver a brief yet inspirational introduction that captures our passion for health, fitness, wellness, and coaching. A succinct summary of a coach’s background and how he or she works with clients should be included. “What more do you want to know about me?” is a great way to end the summary and invite questions that build rapport.
People come to coaching not only to learn, but also for inspiration. Most people already know or at least have a sense of what they “should” be doing to improve health, fitness, and wellness. They just don’t know how to do it consistently. By drawing close to someone who does, like a coach, they hope to gain insight and inspiration for the journey. Personal disclosure on the part of the coach is appropriate and valuable when it serves the best interests of the client and the coaching program, not because a coach wants to share and be understood (subtly inviting the client to play the helper role). A coach must carefully discern if and when to share who he or she is; why he or she cares about health, fitness, and wellness; how he or she lives; his or her victories and struggles; and what he or she knows and doesn’t know about health and wellness.
Slow Down
It is important to continue to establish trust and rapport in each and every coaching session. Trust and rapport are not earned in a single moment. They are earned or lost during every moment of coaching sessions. If coaches are in a hurry to “get down to business,” trust and rapport will be compromised or lost. Coaches need to set aside the time to have a relaxed—and relaxing—presence with clients. Even when appointments are scheduled back to back, it is important to slow down, be completely present, and savor every moment with each client.
Under-Promise and Over-Deliver
Nothing undermines trust and rapport more than broken promises. That is why it is extremely important to monitor and select one’s words carefully, both during coaching sessions and in communications between sessions. A professional coach delivers on every promise. Some promises, such as being ready and available when clients call for coaching, are unspoken parts of the coaching agreement. Other promises, such as sending clients information, are offered in the course of conversation.
Delivering on all promises is crucial to the coaching relationship. Be careful to not fall into the trap of over-promising and under-delivering. This may be common in our society, as people seek to make themselves look good, but it quickly leads to failed coaching relationships and poor outcomes. Delivering more than was promised creates an even stronger bond. Going beyond the expected minimum is a great way to build rapport and trust. For example, coaches may contact clients by e-mail between coaching sessions to congratulate them or to remind them of something important. Offering the opportunity for an occasional extra coaching session or check-in at no extra charge is a real “wow!” and a great relationship builder. When clients e-mail or contact a coach, it is best practice to respond within 24 hours business hours, if only to acknowledge the contact and to promise a date and time for a more thoughtful response.
The Client Finds the Answers, as Far as Is Possible
The more that clients, in creative collaboration with their coaches, discover new insights, perspectives, strengths, goals, and plans, and the more they design their own strategies for growth and change, the more autonomous and competent they become. When clients need to gain knowledge or learn new skills to move forward, it’s important to preserve client autonomy when helping them gain knowledge and skills. If coaches have relevant knowledge and expertise, they ask permission to offer their expertise and teaching, while leaving clients in control of their decision and choices. If coaches do not have relevant expertise and knowledge, coaches can help clients find and pursue appropriate knowledge and expertise from other sources.
Coaching is about fostering growth, not forcing it. It can be especially difficult to encourage clients to find their own answers when the coach has expertise in particular areas (e.g., diabetes, weight loss). Clients may ask for advice in managing medical conditions, making medical decisions, or learning new skills (e.g., strength training or meditation). The more expertise one has, the easier it is to slip into the role of expert or advisor and to insist on what clients must work on or do. Given that telling clients what to do can damage trust, create resistance, and hold back self-determination, imagine that the client is sitting in the driver’s seat, and the coach is offering expert information to consider from the passenger seat, rather than grabbing the steering wheel and deciding what a client should do or where a client should go next
There is a growing and hopeful shift in the healthcare industry to become more client-centered (patient-centered) and allow for increased client determination and self-discovery. In a systematic review on health and wellness coaching, 61% of coaching processes could be described as client-centered, 45% allow clients to determine their own goals, and 42% encourage self-discovery (Wolever et al., 2013). The healthcare field still has a long way to shift away from top-down and authoritative directing, prescribing, and educating in order to foster autonomy, competence, and self-determination.
When it is given, information should be offered in response to a request or offered as a choice, and it should almost always be framed as a possibility rather than as a prescription. Allowing the client to make the choice supports autonomy and is mutually constructive for coaches and clients alike. Something is wrong in the relationship when coaches are working harder or talking more than their clients in coaching sessions, whether to create goals, figure out strategies, or develop the case for change.
Coach Carl notices that his client, Wendy Well, seems frantic at the beginning of their coaching session. When he mentions this, she acknowledges that it has been a hectic day and she is feeling stressed. Carl has taught many stress management courses in workplace wellness programs and could easily make suggestions about stress reduction techniques that Wendy could use. Instead, Carl uses the coach approach and asks Wendy what she could like to do in this situation and what would be most helpful as his support. Wendy, still frenzied, responds saying she’s not really certain; stress just seems to be a way of life. Next, balancing the expert approach with the coach approach, Carl asks Wendy whether she would like to discuss some quick techniques to tame her frenzy right now. Wendy agrees. Carl remembers the importance of allowing a client to feel autonomous and says the following: “One thing that has been helpful to my clients in the past is to pause for 60 seconds to do some deep breathing. Another client really enjoyed taking a moment to explore what she was grateful for. And another got a real boost from doing a simple chair yoga exercise. Which of these appeals to you? Did any give you an idea for something you could do right now that would work for you?”
Confidentiality Is Crucial
The coaching relationship is built on a foundation of confidentiality. Clients need to know that the information they share with their coaches will not be shared with others. A coach should make this clear both orally and in writing. Some clients may initially be intimidated or uncomfortable about personal disclosure. It is up to the coach to create a safe place by establishing a policy of confidentiality from the beginning.
There may be instances when a client wants to share something personal but does not want it to be recorded in your paper, electronic, or web client files. A client may say something like, “I want to tell you something, but I don’t want it to be written down or be part of my record.” It is important to exclude such confidences from records or coaching notes but only if it does not create liability (i.e., it is a health-endangering or illegal behavior).
Additionally, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA) requires that individuals, organizations, and agencies that meet the definition of a covered entity under HIPAA must comply with the law’s requirements to protect the privacy and security of health information and must respect certain rights with respect to individuals' health information. This includes providers such as doctors, clinics, psychologists, dentists, chiropractors, nursing homes, and pharmacies if they transmit any information in an electronic form in connection with a transaction for which the federal government’s U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has adopted a standard. It would be wise for any coach engaging in health and wellness-related coaching to be aware of the requirements of HIPAA. Learn more at www.hhs.gov.
Be Authentic
Authenticity is not only the best policy, it is the only policy when it comes to coaching. Clients and coaches alike should agree to “share what is there” with courage, because honest communication leads to learning and growth. However, coaches should never be or sound critical or judgmental. Coaches are called to share thoughts, feelings, and intuitions with compassion, empathy, and care. A trusting and meaningful coaching relationship is built through authentic inquiries and reflections.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental awareness of what is happening in the present moment. The topic of mindfulness is now supported by a large body of knowledge and practice; it is considered a health-promoting intervention that enhances the coaching process. In order to increase client awareness of the critical variables which influence their success, coaches ask questions, give feedback, and co-create assignments that increase client mindfulness.
More often than not, clients are not fully aware of and awake to where they are and what they are doing. That’s because people often walk around on automatic pilot. When they are eating, they may simultaneously be reading, working, or worrying about past or future events instead of tasting fully each bite of food. When they are working out, they may be thinking about all they have to do that day instead of being in tune with their bodies and what they are doing.
Mindfulness is a way to break free from being on autopilot. By paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, relationships, and environments without judgment or condemnation, we wake up to the experience of what’s going on around us and within us while it’s actually happening. This frees us to make informed decisions about new directions.
Everyone has the ability to be mindful. For example, eating provides a wonderful opportunity to become mindful. Instead of rushing through meals or snacks, doing two things at once with hardly a thought as to what we are eating, where the food comes from, or how it will impact our bodies, minds, and spirits, we can slow down and pay attention in ways that increase enjoyment, change our relationship to food, and make us more conscious of our consumption. Such mindfulness can lead not only to improved eating habits but also to fuller experiences in other areas of life. Increased mindfulness in one area leads to increased mindfulness in all areas.
One strategy for promoting mindfulness is to ensure that a coach’s working space has minimal distractions, (e.g., foot traffic, noise, phone, and computer alerts) that could interfere with one’s ability to remain present and focused. Relaxation and reminder techniques can assist you in leaving your thoughts and concerns “at the door” in order to focus entirely on the client. “Set your intention to pay attention” is a great refrain to use prior to each coaching session.
To give clients an experience of mindfulness during coaching sessions, coaches may want to include mindfulness exercises. For example, coaches may want to start their coaching conversations with a minute of silence and breath work. They may also choose to guide clients to discover an object with a beginner’s mind. For example, the coach can guide clients to experience a raisin very slowly by examining its surface, feeling its texture, smelling it, etc. Clients can then be told to put it in their mouths and get a sense of it on their tongues. Then and only then should they take the first bite, eating it as slowly as possible, noticing each sensation as it comes. This exercise allows clients to awaken from their automatic reactions to food which may not support healthy eating.
By increasing mindfulness during coaching sessions, clients learn to increase mindfulness in their daily experiences. They naturally grow to pay more attention not only to the food but also to the many dynamics of health, wellness, and life. Jon Kabat-Zinn (2005) writes:
“When, through the practice of mindfulness, we learn to listen to the body through all its sense doors, as well as to attend to the flow of our thoughts and feelings, we are beginning the process of reestablishing and strengthening connectedness within our own inner landscape. That attention nurtures a familiarity and an intimacy with our lives unfolding at the level of what we call body and what we call mind that depends and strengthens well-being and a sense of ease in our relationship to whatever is unfolding in our lives from moment to moment. We thus move from dis-ease, including outright disease, to greater ease and harmony and, as we shall see, greater health.” (p. 123)
Because it is important to be mindful in the everyday moments of our lives, coaches may want to offer advice to clients on how they can elevate mindfulness between coaching sessions. For example, clients can ask themselves the following questions before, during, and after eating:
o	Where am I?
o	What is my body position?
o	What is going on around me?
o	Am I really hungry?
o	What does the food look, smell, feel, and taste like?
o	What am I thinking about?
o	What am I feeling?
o	What do I really want to eat?
o	How can I enhance my experience of eating?
Coaches cannot facilitate the development of mindfulness in their clients unless they become mindful. It is only in the practice of mindfulness that we can come to understand the process and its effect on health, fitness, and wellness. By practicing mindfulness in our everyday lives and showing up mindfully with clients, coaches enable clients to learn, grow, and develop beyond what they might otherwise have imagined possible.
Mindfulness is also a critical ingredient for coaches in managing their emotions during coaching sessions. The more a coach knows about what is going on with themselves, the less they will allow their own events, feelings, opinions, and worries to get in the way of being present in the moment.
When clients trigger an emotional response, a coach needs to notice those feelings and then gently set them aside, staying focused on the client. Examining those feelings later outside the coaching session—alone or with a mentor coach—is important to a coach's development.
Here are some tips for activating mindfulness before coaching sessions:
o	Take three deep breaths.
o	Close eyes for five seconds.
o	Become aware of your breathing.
o	Say to yourself:
o	I am grateful for this opportunity to connect and make a difference.
o	I have an opportunity to make a pivotal contribution.
o	I am open to and curious about what will unfold.
Three Core Coaching Skills
Although different coaching models and platforms have their own inventory, language, and description of what’s in the coaching repertoire, three coaching skills are consistently found across platforms, and these form the basis for developing the coaching relationship. They are introduced here and are explored again from different angles in later chapters.
Mindful Listening
Mindful listening is perhaps the most important of all coaching skills. It is certainly a critical component in building trust and rapport with a client. Additionally, it is the most important element in improving the quality of the conversation between coach and client. When coaches are distracted, whether physically, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually, the coaching relationship suffers.
Listening that brings full, nonjudgmental awareness of what someone is saying in the present moment is the hallmark of great coaching. Indeed, there may be no other relationship in our clients’ lives where they are heard in the way they are heard by coaches. People seldom have the undivided, nonjudgmental attention of anyone, even for brief periods of time. Trying to do two things at once may cause us to lose strands of the conversation and degrade the quality of our inquiries and reflections. And clients can tell when coaches are not 100% present. If coaches fail to pay full attention, their energy becomes less focused and engaging. Clients will often accept this low level of focus and engagement because it is the norm in modern culture. It’s up to the coach to take the conversation to a higher level by paying full attention.
Paying attention is about more than just listening to or looking at the client. In the overstimulated environment of today, brains have become “wired into a state of frenzy and chronic distraction” (Hammerness & Moore, 2012). Coaches and clients need to retrain their brains to sustain attention to be truly mindful in the present moment. Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental awareness of what is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is a way to break free from being on autopilot or from being frenzied and caught up in the core emotions of anxiety, sadness, and anger. By paying attention to one’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, relationships, and environments without judgment or condemnation, it is possible to wake up to the experience of what’s going on around us and within us while it’s actually happening. This frees one to make informed decisions about new directions. Therefore, mindfulness is important for both the coach and client in the coaching session.
Mindful listening involves listening for the meaningful whole, including such diverse elements as a client’s best experiences, core values, significant moments, feelings, current challenges, and future dreams. In addition, the stories clients tell enable coaches to tap into their intuition in order to generate better questions and more evocative reflections. These are the raw materials of coaching. Masterful coaches listen to the words and to the truth beyond the words. It is important to not only listen to the facts (cognitive listening) but also to the feelings and needs behind the facts (affective listening). “The facts, ma’am, just the facts,” may be suitable for detective work, but it is never enough for coaching.
Clients’ moods, emotions, tones, energy, body language, hesitations, and pacing provide important clues. Listening for trends and repeated patterns can lead to important insights.
Here are some quick tips for mindful listening:
o	Do not think about what you will say next until your client has spoken the last word of his or her thought.
o	Pause after your client has spoken.
o	Weave the client’s last words into the next step.
o	Weave the client’s story into later steps.
o	Listen for emotions as well as facts.
o	Do not interrupt (except in the rare moment when your client wanders off track).
o	Mirror what the client has said to confirm your understanding.
Mindfulness is also a critical skill for coaches in managing their emotions during coaching sessions. The more coaches are aware of their inner experience, the less they will allow their own experiences, feelings, opinions, and worries to get in the way of being present in the moment. When clients trigger an emotional response for the coach, a mindful coach will notice those feelings and gently set them aside to stay focused wholly on the client. Following the coaching session, the coach can then examine those feelings alone or with a mentor coach. Coaches must silence the voices in their own heads so they can actively pay attention to the voice of the client. “Listen until I don’t exist” is the motto of great coaches. That’s because they set aside their agendas in order to pay singular attention to their clients’ agendas. Coaches describe the experience as both liberating and deep. Mindful listening is transformational, not only for the client but also for the coach.
also to the many dynamics of health, wellness, and life. Thich Nhat Hanh (1999) writes:
Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.
–Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation
Open-Ended Inquiry
To enable clients to open up and explore their stories, it’s important to ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions elicit long, narrative answers. Closed-ended questions elicit short, “sound-bite” answers.
Coach Carl has had a busy day of coaching; clients were scheduled for him back to back with barely a moment’s break in between. As if that weren’t enough to make him feel frenzied, Carl just finished a session with his most difficult client and is beginning to regret one of the questions he asked his client because it seemed to take the session off track. However, Carl has another coaching session with Wendy Well in two minutes and knows that he needs to be mindful and calm for her. He takes three slow, deep breaths, being mindful of each breath in and out. Next, he focuses on a mantra: “I am grateful for this opportunity to connect and make a difference. I am open and curious about what will unfold. I choose to be present.”
COACHING CASE
By increasing mindfulness during coaching sessions, clients learn to increase mindfulness in their daily experiences. They naturally grow to pay more attention not only to eating and exercising but also to the many dynamics of health, wellness, and life.
Closed-Ended Questions
Coach Carl is checking in with Wendy Well to see how she did with her goals from last week. “Did you eat salad for lunch last week?” he asks. “Yes,” she replies. “OK, great!” says Carl, “Did you enjoy it?” “Yes” she replies again. “Good. Will you do it again next week?” he asks. “Probably not,” she says.
COACHING CASE
Closed-ended questions can lead to a dead-end, lifeless conversation, creating more work for the coach and fewer insights for the client. “What” and “how” are often the best ways to begin open-ended questions because they encourage storytelling. Because stories are the stuff that move people to change, “what” and “how” are the starting points for great coaching questions. “Why” questions are often not as useful, as they tend to provoke analysis rather than storytelling. They may also evoke resistance because they can suggest judgment. For example, asking “Why did you eat the whole cake?” may cause a client to respond defensively. “Why” questions, however, can be powerful when deployed to elicit autonomous motivation. You can connect clients to their deepest motivators by asking, “Why do you treasure your vision and goals, and why do they matter deeply?”
Although coaches use more open than closed questions, there is a place for closed questions. For example, when coaches ask clients whether they want to commit, whether it is to a vision, strategy, or goal—“Are you ready to move forward?”
Do not rush clients through the telling of their stories sparked by open-ended inquiry. By taking the time to evoke and listen to a client’s stories, a coach reflects a genuine interest in a client’s experience and aspirations. It’s never helpful to grill a client with a series of questions, especially one right after another. Instead of asking clients to cut to the chase, invite clients to elaborate in order to tease out the nuances, meanings, and treasures in their stories. Displaying curiosity is a wonderful way to help a client open up. It’s also not helpful to make assumptions or launch too quickly into advice giving. Take the time to listen to what’s being said, to what’s not being said, and to what clients may want to say, gently guiding them to discover their own answers. Great inquiries elicit what is on the client’s mind rather than what is on the coach’s mind.
When clients avoid or fail to respond to a question, or if you think they aren’t being totally authentic in their answer, drop it and come back to it at another time. If this happens consistently regarding the same issue, you may want to share this perception with your client without judgment. Accept the client’s decision about what to share and what to keep private.
Examples of Open-Ended Inquiry
o	What would you like your wellness to look like in three months, one year, two years, five years, etc.?
o	What are the top three values in your life?
o	What are the top three goals in your life?
o	What part of your life is most important to you?
o	What would you like less of in your life?
o	What would you like more of in your life?
o	What excites you?
o	What would you like to accomplish in the next three months?
o	What motivators are important enough to you to enable you to overcome your obstacles meet your goals?
o	What would your life be like if you achieve these goals?
o	What would your life be like if you do not achieve these goals?
o	What is the best-case scenario?
o	What is the worst-case scenario?
o	What will it take for you to make changes?
o	What have you tried and succeeded to accomplish in your life that is similar to this goal?
o	What are some new possibilities that you haven’t considered before?
o	What do you think is the best possible outcome of our coaching program?
o	What do you think is the likely outcome of our coaching program?
o	What do you think is the worst possible outcome of our coaching program?
o	What would you like the outcome of our coaching program to be?
o	What is happening when you feel _______?
o	What are the triggers that are stimulating you to feel _______?
o	What would it take to deal with your feelings of ______?
o	What is holding you back or standing in your way? How is it holding you back?
o	What are you afraid of?
o	What is at risk for you?
o	What is more important to you than meeting this goal?
o	What would make this the right time for you to do this?
o	What is on your plate right now that may be getting in the way, this week, this next month, in the next three months, etc.?
o	What would you like to do?
o	What are you able to do to overcome ____ or meet your goal?
o	What are you willing to do to overcome ____ or meet your goal?
o	What do you want to do to overcome _____ or meet your goal?
o	What can I do to best help you today (or in our coaching program)?
o	What might I do better to help you today (or in our coaching program)?
o	What would your life be like if you do not achieve this goal?
o	What would your life be like if you do achieve this goal?
o	What is the best-case scenario if you achieve this goal?
o	What is the worst-case scenario if you don’t achieve this goal?
o	What might be wrong about this goal?
o	What might be right about this goal?
o	What will it take for you to reach this goal?
o	What would it take for you to be ready to change?
o	What motivator is important enough to you to help you reach this goal?
o	What can you/we learn from this?
o	What is the solution here?
o	In the next week, what could you think about or do that would move you forward?
o	What have you tried and succeeded to accomplish in your life that is similar to this goal?
o	What are some new possibilities that you haven’t considered before?
Perceptive Reflections
Asking too many questions of any sort in a row can lead to a client feeling interrogated. Perceptive reflections are another form of listening. They enable clients to hear what they are saying from the vantage point of another person. This process is often more provocative and transformational than inquiry because it causes clients to connect more deeply to their emotions and the truth of the matter.
When coaches ask questions, clients objectively think about and formulate an answer before responding. The “CEO” (or analytical) region of the brain (mostly the left prefrontal cortex) is activated as people are drawn into their analytical minds. When coaches perceptively paraphrase and reflect what they think clients are saying, clients react with a deeper, more emotional response generated from the limbic region of the brain where emotions, rewards, and pleasure are regulated. The combination of questions and reflections may integrate the use of higher and lower brain regions.
The purpose of perceptive reflections is to elicit ideas and conversation in the client which support change. Instead of the coach making the case for change, the client is encouraged to pick up the ball and run with it. When the case for change comes from the client rather than the coach, rapid progress can be made in the direction of desired outcomes. It's not important to focus on making reflections that are “right” or “perfect.” If the reflection is accurate, clients agree. If it is off-target, clients disagree. Either way, the reflection moves clients forward and engages them in the search for more self-awareness, higher well-being, and the “best me.”
The simplest reflection is to restate what a client says in more or less his or her own words. Like a mirror, such simple reflections enable clients to see themselves more clearly and make adjustments if they so desire. Other, more complex reflections are intentionally designed to be more evocative. They communicate not only that the coach is actively listening but also that the coach is noticing things the client may be overlooking. They can serve to make the prospect of change sound bigger, brighter, or more inviting. They enable clients to stop and consider whether they want to spend more time on those issues.
Examples of Simple Perceptive Reflections
o	Wendy Well: “I am worried about setting a running goal because I haven’t run since high school.“
o	Coach Carl: “You are concerned about running because it has been a long time since you last ran.“
o	Wendy Well: “I’m looking forward to setting a running goal because I haven’t run since high school but I used enjoy it a lot.“
o	Coach Carl: “You remember enjoying running in high school, and look forward to feeling that way again.“
o	Wendy Well: “I’m so glad I set that running goal. I haven’t felt this good since high school.“
o	Coach Carl: “You are happy that you set goal because running makes you feel good.“
In the chapter, “Harnessing Motivation to Build Self-Efficacy,” we describe additional forms of perceptive reflections: empathy, amplified, double-sided, and shifted-focus.
Additional Relationship-Building Tools
Along with mindful listening, open-ended inquiries, and perceptive reflections are high-impact coaching tools, here are several more tools for enhancing client
progress.
Positive Reframing
Positive reframing means framing a client’s experiences in positive terms. Once the conversation takes a positive turn, it is easier to engage in brainstorming, action planning, and forward movement. It is a natural human tendency to look at, focus on, and talk about problems. Indeed, many people who come to coaching would say they want help with a problem. “I’m overweight,” “I’m out of shape,” and “I’m stressed out” are three of the most common complaints in the health and wellness arena.
From week to week, many clients also want to start the coaching conversation with a problem as the issue of the day. For example, “I blew my diet,” “I didn’t exercise like I said I would,” and “I took no time for myself this week.” Masterful coaches avoid the temptation to respond to such complaints with a root-cause problem analysis, which can be demoralizing, overwhelming, and counterproductive.
Instead of inspiring and empowering change, problem analysis can weigh people down with more reasons not to change. Without dismissing people’s problems, masterful coaches know how to reframe the conversation in positive terms.
COACHING CASE
As she shares her experience in working on her goals last week, Wendy Well is frustrated and disappointed. “I was certain that I would be able to eat salad for lunch most days last week. I’d had such a good experience with it last week, and this week I blew it! I’m so mad at myself!” “I hear that you are disappointed and frustrated because you really wanted to feel successful with this goal,” Carl responds. “Tell me about the good choices you did make last week.” “Well, I did choose to have vegetables on the pizza we had during the celebration on Friday,” she reflects. “And what good came from that?” Carl asks curiously. “You know, I really enjoyed the banana peppers; I didn’t even miss the pepperoni,” she recalls with a smile.
Becoming attached to feelings of failure, even if they think they failed.
Silence
One thing is certain—if the coach is talking, the coach is not listening. Given the importance of listening in coaching, it’s vital that coaches become comfortable with silence. When clients are speaking, do not interrupt them and/or think about what to say next. After asking a question, do not talk again before the client answers. Be prepared for the surprises of silence! It is a wonderful gift and a core tool in coaching. In masterful coaching sessions, clients talk more than twice as much as coaches. Nicola Stevens (2005) encourages coaches to remember the acronym, “WAIT—Why am I talking?” (p. 161).
Silence evokes deeper exploration by sending the empowering message without words, “I believe that you can figure this out by going deeper.” Often, silence will lead to new insights and directional shifts that clients and coaches may have never anticipated. Silence supports the client in providing a sense of autonomy and sends the message the coach is confident in the client’s competence.
Humor and Playfulness
Although coaching is serious business with serious goals in which people are seriously invested, this does not mean the coaching conversation itself needs to have a serious tone. In fact, a consistently serious tone may cause clients to dread their coaching sessions and consequently fail to connect and progress.
The more often a coach can make clients laugh and see the lighter side of their challenges and opportunities, the more they will open themselves up to change. A playful approach can make clients more open to experimentation and to trial and correction. Be careful not to joke about something that may make a client feel vulnerable. Use empathy to distinguish between those areas that are ripe for humor and those that may make your client feel worse if treated too lightly. Be sure clients never think you’re laughing at them. It’s fair game, though, to laugh at yourself!
Championing
At all times coaches champion their clients’ ability to realize their goals, especially when they lack self-efficacy. When the coach has an upbeat and energetic attitude, combined with a positive outlook, clients are more able to find the courage for change. Coaching is a hope-inspiring relationship. Dave Buck (2004), President of CoachVille, describes this dynamic as follows: “The coach’s certainty is greater than the client’s doubt.” That dynamic is what attracts clients to masterful coaches. When clients are struggling, coaches reassure them that different people move toward mastery of health, fitness, or wellness at different speeds and at different times in their lives. When they are ready, they can and will succeed. As the coach, work to facilitate a client’s movement at a time and speed that is comfortable yet challenging. This is the “flow zone” that will enable clients to achieve the goals they have set for themselves.
Solicit Input and Suggestions
It is important to ask clients to share input and make suggestions on how the coaching process can be made more productive and enjoyable. Soliciting input builds the coaching relationship by making it clear to a client that the coach is totally devoted to the client’s success. Frequently ask, “What was most valuable about today’s session?” and “How could our sessions work better for you?” Listen for what is unspoken but conveyed in a client’s tone and hesitations. Ask for clarification if it seems there might be an issue or shift in energy. Keep private notes and follow up on the points raised as soon as possible.
Most new coaches experience clients who go missing in action, not showing up for coaching sessions or disappearing without explanation. By asking clients at the outset of the coaching program to make you the first to know if anything isn’t working; then there is an opening to talk about their concerns rather than act them out by not showing up. Upon the receipt of criticism, listen for and respond to needs that are going unmet for the client. Thank clients for their input and use it to get better as a coach. Consult a mentor or engage in coaching supervision to develop strategies to improve. Never jump to conclusions; always ask for the client’s perceptions, interpretations, and points of view.
References
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Buck, D. (2004). The language of coaching. In So just what is coaching, anyway? Retrieved October 16, 2008 from http://www.lazarconsulting.com/resources.interview.042805.html
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