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DEDICATION

To all who strive to become better today than they were yesterday.

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CONTENTS

DEDICATION

INTRODUCTION

WHAT IS MENTAL STRENGTH?

CHAPTER 1

THEY DON’T WASTE TIME FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES

CHAPTER 2

THEY DON’T GIVE AWAY THEIR POWER

CHAPTER 3

THEY DON’T SHY AWAY FROM CHANGE

CHAPTER 4

THEY DON’T FOCUS ON THINGS THEY CAN’T CONTROL

CHAPTER 5

THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT PLEASING EVERYONE

CHAPTER 6

THEY DON’T FEAR TAKING CALCULATED RISKS

CHAPTER 7

THEY DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST

CHAPTER 8

THEY DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER

CHAPTER 9

THEY DON’T RESENT OTHER PEOPLE’S SUCCESS

CHAPTER 10

THEY DON’T GIVE UP AFTER THE FIRST FAILURE

CHAPTER 11

THEY DON’T FEAR ALONE TIME

CHAPTER 12

THEY DON’T FEEL THE WORLD OWES THEM ANYTHING

CHAPTER 13

THEY DON’T EXPECT IMMEDIATE RESULTS

CONCLUSION:

MAINTAINING YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH

REFERENCES

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

COPYRIGHT

ABOUT THE PUBLISHERS

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INTRODUCTION

When I was twenty-three, my mother died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. She’d always been a healthy, hardworking, vibrant woman who had loved life right up until her last minute on earth. In fact, I saw her the night before she died. We met at an auditorium to watch a high school basketball tournament. She was laughing, talking, and enjoying life like she always did. But just twenty-four hours later she was gone. The loss of my mother affected me deeply. I couldn’t imagine going through the rest of my life without her advice, laughter, or love.

At the time, I was working as a therapist at a community mental health center, and I took a few weeks off to privately deal with my grief. I knew I couldn’t be effective at helping other people unless I was able to productively deal with my own feelings. Becoming used to a life that no longer included my mother was a process. It wasn’t easy, but I worked hard to get myself back on my feet. From my training as a therapist, I knew that time doesn’t heal anything; it’s how we deal with that time that determines the speed at which we heal. I understood that grief was the necessary process that would eventually alleviate my pain, so I allowed myself to feel sad, to get angry, and to fully accept what I’d truly lost when my mother passed away. It wasn’t just that I missed her—it was also the painful realization that she would never be there again during the important events in my life and that she would never experience the things she’d looked forward to—like retire from her job and become a grandmother. With supportive friends and family, and my faith in God, I found a sense of peace; and as life went on, I was able to remember my mother with a smile, rather than with pangs of sadness.

A few years later, as we approached the third anniversary of my mother’s death, my husband, Lincoln, and I discussed how to best honor her memory that weekend. Friends had invited us to watch a basketball game on Saturday evening. Coincidentally, the game was being played in the same auditorium where we’d last seen my mother. Lincoln and I talked about what it would be like to go back to the place where we’d seen her, just three years ago, on the night before she passed away.

We decided it could be a wonderful way to celebrate her life. After all, my memories of her that night were very good. We’d laughed, had a chance to talk about all kinds of things, and had an all-around great evening. My mother had even predicted my sister would get married to her boyfriend at the time—and a few years later that prediction came true.

So Lincoln and I returned to the auditorium and we enjoyed spending time with our friends. We knew it was what my mother would have wanted. It felt nice to go back and feel okay about being there. But just as I took a sigh of relief about my progress in dealing with my mother’s death, my entire life was once again turned upside down.

After returning home from the basketball game, Lincoln complained of back pain. He’d broken several vertebrae in a car accident a few years prior, so back pain wasn’t unusual for him. But just a few minutes later, he collapsed. I called for paramedics and they arrived within minutes and transported him to the hospital. I called his mother, and his family met me in the emergency room. I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with him.

After a few minutes in the emergency room waiting area, we were called into a private room. Before the doctor even said a word, I knew what he was going to say. Lincoln had passed away. He’d had a heart attack.

On the same weekend that we honored the three-year anniversary of my mother’s death, I now found myself a widow. It just didn’t make any sense. Lincoln was only twenty-six and he didn’t have any history of heart problems. How could he be here one minute and gone the next? I was still adjusting to life without my mother, and now I’d have to learn how to deal with life without Lincoln. I couldn’t imagine how I would get through this.

Dealing with the death of a spouse is such a surreal experience. There were so many choices to be made at a time when I really wasn’t in any shape to decide anything. Within a matter of hours, I had to start making decisions about everything from the funeral arrangements to the wording of the obituary. There wasn’t any time to let the reality of the situation really sink in; it was completely overwhelming.

I was fortunate to have many people in my life who supported me. A journey through grief is an individual process, but loving friends and family certainly helped. There were times when it seemed to get a little easier and times when it would get worse. Just when I’d think I was getting better, I’d turn another corner to find overwhelming sadness waiting for me. Grief is an emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting process.

There were so many things to feel sad about too. I felt sad for my husband’s family, knowing how much they’d loved Lincoln. I felt sad about all the things Lincoln would never experience. And I was sad about all the things we’d never get to do together, not to mention, how much I missed him.

I took as much time off from work as I could. Those months are mostly a blur as I was focused on just putting one foot in front of the other every day. But I couldn’t stay out of work forever. I was down to just one income and had to get back into the office.

After a couple of months, my supervisor called and asked about my plans to return to work. My clients had been told I would be out of the office indefinitely while I dealt with a family emergency. They weren’t given any type of time frame about how long I’d be out, since we weren’t really sure what was going to happen. But now, they needed an answer. I certainly wasn’t done grieving, and I definitely wasn’t “better,” but I needed to go back to work.

Just like when I’d lost my mother, I had to allow myself time to experience the sorrow head-on. There was no ignoring it or pushing it away. I had to experience the pain while also proactively helping myself heal. I couldn’t allow myself to stay stuck in my negative emotions. Although it would have been easy to pity myself or dwell on my past memories, I knew it wouldn’t be healthy. I had to make a conscious choice to start down a long road to building a new life for myself.

I had to decide whether some of the goals Lincoln and I shared together were still going to be my goals. We’d been foster parents for a few years and had planned to eventually adopt a child. But did I still want to adopt a child as a single woman? I continued my work as a foster parent, providing mostly emergency and respite placements, for the next few years, but I wasn’t sure I still wanted to adopt a child without Lincoln.

I also had to create new goals for myself now that I was alone. I decided to venture out and try new things. I got my motorcycle license and bought a motorcycle. I also began writing. At first it was mostly a hobby, but eventually it turned into a part-time job. I had to renegotiate new relationships with people as well by figuring out which of Lincoln’s friends would remain my friends and what my relationship with his family would be like without him. Fortunately for me, many of his closest friends maintained friendships with me. And his family continued to treat me like part of their family.

About four years later, I was fortunate enough to find love again. Or maybe I should say love found me. I was sort of getting used to life as a single person. But that all changed when I began dating Steve. We’d known each other for years and slowly our friendship turned into a relationship. Eventually, we started talking about a future together. Although I had never thought I’d get married again, with Steve it just seemed right.

I didn’t want a formal wedding or a reception that parodied the ceremony I’d had with Lincoln. Although I knew my guests would be thrilled to see me marry again, I also knew it would conjure up pangs of sadness for people as they remembered Lincoln. I didn’t want my wedding day to be a somber occasion, so Steve and I decided to have a nontraditional wedding. We eloped to Las Vegas and it was a completely joyous occasion that centered around our love and happiness.

About a year after we married, we decided to sell the house that Lincoln and I had lived in, and we moved a few hours away. We’d be closer to my sister and my nieces and it gave us an opportunity to have a fresh start. I got a job at a busy medical practice and we were looking forward to enjoying our future together. Just as life seemed to be going great, our road to happiness took another strange twist when Steve’s father was diagnosed with cancer.

Initially, doctors predicted that his treatment could help keep the cancer at bay for several years. But after a few months, it was clear that he wasn’t likely to survive one year, let alone several. He’d tried a few different options but nothing really worked. As time went on the doctors grew more perplexed by his lack of response to treatment. After about seven months, he’d run out of treatment options.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. Rob was so full of life. He was the kind of guy who could always pull a quarter from behind a kid’s ear and he told some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. Although he lived in Minnesota and we lived in Maine, we saw him often. Since he was retired, he had the availability to visit with us for weeks at a time and I’d always joked with him that he was my favorite houseguest—because he was basically our only houseguest.

He was also one of my biggest fans when it came to my writing. He read whatever I wrote, whether it was an article about parenting or a piece on psychology. Quite often, he’d call me with story ideas and suggestions.

Even though Rob was seventy-two, it felt like he was too young to be so sick. Right up until the previous summer he was motorcycling across the country, sailing around Lake Superior, and cruising the countryside with the top down in his convertible. But now he was too sick, and the doctors were clear—he was only going to get worse.

This time I had a different experience dealing with death. My mother’s and Lincoln’s deaths were completely unexpected and sudden. But this time, I had warning. I knew what was coming, and it filled me with a sense of dread.

I found myself thinking, Here we go again. I didn’t want to go through such a staggering loss all over again. It just didn’t seem right. I know plenty of people my age who haven’t lost anyone, so why did I have to lose so many of my loved ones? I sat at the table thinking about how unfair it was, how hard it was going to be, and how much I wanted things to be different.

I also knew I couldn’t let myself go down that road. After all, I’d been through this before and I’d be okay again. If I let myself fall into the trap of thinking my situation was worse than anyone else’s, or if I convinced myself that I couldn’t handle one more loss, it wasn’t going to help. Instead, it would only hold me back from dealing with the reality of my situation.

It was at that moment that I sat down and wrote my list “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” They were the habits I’d fought so hard against to come out on the other side of my grief. They were the things that could hold me back from getting better, if I allowed them to take hold of me.

Not surprisingly, they were the same skills I was giving to the clients who entered my therapy office. But writing them down was something I needed to do to help me stay on track. It was a reminder that I could choose to be mentally strong. And I needed to be strong, because a few weeks after writing down that list, Rob passed away.

Psychotherapists are known for helping others build on their strengths, doling out tips on how they should act and what they can do to improve themselves. But when I created my list on mental strength, I decided to stray for a moment from what has become second nature to me. And focusing on what not to do has made all the difference. Good habits are important, but it’s often our bad habits that prevent us from reaching our full potential. You can have all the good habits in the world, but if you keep doing the bad habits alongside the good ones, you’ll struggle to reach your goals. Think of it this way: you’re only as good as your worst habits.

Bad habits are like heavy weights that you drag around as you go about your day. They’ll slow you down, tire you out, and frustrate you. Despite your hard work and talent, you’ll struggle to reach your full potential when you’ve got certain thoughts, behaviors, and feelings holding you back.

Picture a man who chooses to go to the gym every day. He works out for almost two hours. He keeps a careful record of the exercises he performs so he can track his progress. Over the course of six months, he isn’t noticing much of a change. He feels frustrated that he’s not losing weight and gaining muscle. He tells his friends and family that it just doesn’t make sense why he’s not looking and feeling better. After all, he rarely ever misses a workout. What he leaves out of the equation is the fact that he enjoys a treat on his drive home from the gym every day. After all that exercise, he feels hungry and tells himself, “I’ve worked hard. I deserve a treat!” So each day, he eats one dozen donuts on his drive home.

Seems ridiculous, right? But we all are guilty of this kind of behavior. We work hard to do the things that we think will make us better, but we forget to focus on the things that might be sabotaging our efforts.

Avoiding these thirteen habits isn’t just what will help you through grief. Getting rid of them will help you develop mental strength, which is essential to dealing with all life’s problems—big or small. No matter what your goals are, you’ll be better equipped to reach your full potential when you’re feeling mentally strong.

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WHAT IS MENTAL STRENGTH?

It’s not that people are either mentally strong or mentally weak. We all possess some degree of mental strength, but there’s always room for improvement. Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances.

Just as there are those among us who are predisposed to develop physical strength more easily than others, mental strength seems to come more naturally to some people. There are several factors at play to determine the ease at which you develop mental strength:

•    Genetics—Genes play a role in whether or not you may be more prone to mental health issues, such as mood disorders.

•    Personality—Some people have personality traits that help them think more realistically and behave more positively by nature.

•    Experiences—Your life experiences influence how you think about yourself, other people, and the world in general.

Obviously, you can’t change some of these factors. You can’t erase a bad childhood. You can’t help it if you are genetically predisposed to ADHD. But that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your mental strength. Anyone has the power to increase mental strength by devoting time and energy on the self-improvement exercises throughout this book.

THE BASIS OF MENTAL STRENGTH
Imagine a man who feels nervous about social situations. To minimize his anxiety, he avoids starting conversations with his coworkers. The less he speaks with his coworkers, the less they initiate conversation with him. When he enters the break room and passes people in the hallway without anyone speaking to him, he thinks, I must be socially awkward. The more he thinks about how awkward he is, the more nervous he feels about starting conversations. As his anxiety increases, his desire to avoid his coworkers also increases. This results in a self-perpetuating cycle.

To understand mental strength, you have to learn how your thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all intertwined, often working together to create a dangerous downward spiral as in the preceding example. This is why developing mental strength requires a three-pronged approach:

1.    Thoughts—Identifying irrational thoughts and replacing them with more realistic thoughts.

2.    Behaviors—Behaving in a positive manner despite the circumstances.

3.    Emotions—Controlling your emotions so your emotions don’t control you.

We hear it all the time: “Think positive.” But optimism alone isn’t enough to help you reach your full potential.

CHOOSE BEHAVIOR BASED ON BALANCED EMOTIONS AND RATIONAL THINKING

I’m terrified of snakes. Yet my fear is completely irrational. I live in Maine. We don’t have a single poisonous snake in the wild. I don’t see snakes very often, but when I do, my heart leaps into my throat and I’m tempted to run as fast as I can in the other direction. Usually, before I run away, I’m able to balance my sheer panic with rational thoughts that remind me that there’s no logical reason to feel afraid. Once my rational thinking kicks in, I can walk by the snake—as long as he’s a safe distance away. I still don’t want to pick him up or pet him, but I can continue past him without letting my irrational fear interfere with my day.

We make our best decisions in life when we balance our emotions with rational thinking. Stop and think for a minute about how you behave when you’re really angry. It’s likely that you’ve said and done some things that you regretted later, because you were basing your actions on your emotions, not logic. But making choices based on rational thinking alone also doesn’t make for good decisions. We are human beings, not robots. Our hearts and our heads need to work together to control our bodies.

Many of my clients question their ability to control their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. “I can’t help the way I feel,” they say. Or “I can’t get rid of the negative thoughts that run through my head,” and “I just can’t get motivated to do what I want to accomplish.” But with increased mental strength, it’s possible.

THE TRUTH ABOUT MENTAL STRENGTH
There’s a lot of misinformation and misconception about what it means to be mentally strong. Here are some of the truths about mental strength:
•    Being mentally strong isn’t about acting tough. You don’t have to become a robot or appear to have a tough exterior when you’re mentally strong. Instead, it’s about acting according to your values.
•    Mental strength doesn’t require you to ignore your emotions. Increasing your mental strength isn’t about suppressing your emotions; instead it’s about developing a keen awareness of them. It’s about interpreting and understanding how your emotions influence your thoughts and behavior.
•    You don’t have to treat your body like a machine to be mentally strong. Mental strength isn’t about pushing your body to its physical limits just to prove you can ignore pain. It’s about understanding your thoughts and feelings well enough that you can determine when to behave contrary to them, and when to listen to them.
•    Being mentally strong doesn’t mean you have to be completely self-reliant. Mental strength isn’t about proclaiming that you don’t ever need help from anyone or any type of higher power. Admitting you don’t have all the answers, asking for help when you need it, and acknowledging that you can gain strength from a higher power is a sign of a desire to grow stronger.
•    Being mentally strong is not about positive thinking. Thinking overly positive thoughts can be just as detrimental as thinking overly negative thoughts. Mental strength is about thinking realistically and rationally.
•    Developing mental strength isn’t about chasing happiness. Being mentally strong will help you to be more content in life, but it isn’t about waking up every day and trying to force yourself to feel happy. Instead, it’s about making the decisions that will help you reach your full potential.
•    Mental strength isn’t just the latest pop psychology trend. Just like the physical fitness world is filled with fad diets and fitness trends, the world of psychology is often filled with fleeting ideas about how to become your best self. Mental strength isn’t a trend. The psychology field has been helping people learn how to change their thoughts, feelings, and behavior since the 1960s.
•    Mental strength isn’t synonymous with mental health. While the healthcare industry often talks in terms of mental health versus mental illness, mental strength is different. Just like people can still be physically strong even if they have a physical health ailment like diabetes, you can still be mentally strong even if you have depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re destined to have bad habits. Instead, you can still choose to develop healthy habits. It may require more work, more focus, and more effort, but it’s very possible.
THE BENEFITS OF MENTAL STRENGTH
It’s often easy to feel mentally strong when life is going well, but at times problems arise. A job loss, a natural disaster, an illness in the family, or a death of a loved one is sometimes inevitable. When you’re mentally strong, you’ll be more prepared to deal with life’s challenges. Benefits of increasing your mental strength include:

•    Increased resilience to stress—Mental strength is helpful in everyday life, not just in the midst of a crisis. You’ll become better equipped to handle problems more efficiently and effectively, and it can reduce your overall stress level.

•    Improved life satisfaction—As your mental strength increases, your confidence will also increase. You’ll behave according to your values, which will give you peace of mind, and you’ll recognize what’s really important in your life.

•    Enhanced performance—Whether your goal is to be a better parent, to increase your productivity at the office, or to perform better on the athletic field, increasing your mental strength will help you reach your full potential.

HOW TO DEVELOP MENTAL STRENGTH
You’ll never become an expert at anything by simply reading a book. Athletes don’t become elite competitors after reading about their sport nor do top musicians increase their musical abilities by simply watching other performers play. They also have to practice.

The following thirteen chapters aren’t meant to be a checklist that you either do or don’t do. They are a description of habits that everyone falls prey to sometimes. It’s meant to help you find better ways to cope with life’s challenges so you can avoid these pitfalls. It’s about growing, improving, and striving to become a little better than you were yesterday.

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CHAPTER 1
THEY DON’T WASTE TIME FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
—JOHN GARDNER

During the weeks that followed Jack’s accident, his mother couldn’t stop talking about the “horrible incident.” Every day she recounted the story about how both of Jack’s legs were broken when he was hit by a school bus. She felt guilty that she wasn’t there to protect him, and seeing him in a wheelchair for several weeks was almost more than she could bear.

Although doctors had predicted a complete recovery, she repeatedly warned Jack that his legs may never fully heal. She wanted him to be aware that he may not be able to play soccer or run around like the other kids ever again, just in case there was a problem.

Although his doctors had medically cleared him to return to school, his parents decided that Jack’s mother would quit her job and homeschool him for the remainder of the year. They felt that seeing and hearing school buses each day might trigger too many bad memories. They also wanted to spare him from having to watch idly from his wheelchair as his friends played at recess. They hoped that staying home would help Jack heal faster, both emotionally and physically.

Jack usually completed his homeschool work in the mornings and he spent his afternoons and evenings watching TV and playing video games. Within a few weeks, his parents noticed that his mood seemed to change. A normally upbeat and happy child, Jack became irritable and sad. His parents grew concerned that the accident may have traumatized him even more than they’d imagined. They pursued therapy in hopes it could help Jack deal with his emotional scars.

Jack’s parents took him to a well-known therapist with expertise in childhood trauma. The therapist had received the referral from Jack’s pediatrician, so she knew a little bit about Jack’s experience prior to meeting him.

When Jack’s mother wheeled him into the therapist’s office, Jack stared silently at the floor. His mother began by saying, “We’re having such a hard time since this terrible accident. It’s really ruined our lives and caused a lot of emotional problems for Jack. He’s just not the same little boy.”

To his mother’s surprise, the therapist didn’t respond with sympathy. Instead she enthusiastically said, “Boy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! I’ve never met a kid who could beat a school bus! You have to tell me, how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?” For the first time since the accident Jack smiled.

Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with his therapist on making his own book. He appropriately named it, How to Beat a School Bus. He created a wonderful story about how he managed to fight a school bus and escape with only a few broken bones.

He embellished on the story by describing how he grabbed hold of the muffler, swung himself around, and protected the majority of his body from getting hit by the bus. Despite the exaggerated details, the main part of the story remained the same—he survived because he’s a tough kid. Jack concluded his book with a self-portrait. He drew himself sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.

The therapist included Jack’s parents in the treatment. She helped them see how fortunate they were that Jack survived with only a few broken bones. She encouraged his parents to stop feeling sorry for Jack. She recommended they treat him like a mentally and physically tough kid who was capable of overcoming great adversity. Even if his legs didn’t heal properly, she wanted them to focus on what Jack could still accomplish in life, not what the accident would prevent him from being able to do.

The therapist and Jack’s parents worked with the school faculty and staff to prepare for Jack’s return to school. In addition to the special accommodations he’d need because he was still in a wheelchair, they wanted to ensure that the other students and teachers didn’t pity Jack. They arranged for Jack to share his book with his classmates so that he could tell them how he beat the school bus and show them that there was no reason to feel sorry for him.

SELF-PITY PARTY
We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

    You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s.

    If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all.

    Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.

    You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.

    You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.

    You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.

    You often complain about things not being fair.

    You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.

    You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.

    You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.

Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.

WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR OURSELVES
If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? Pity was Jack’s parents’ defense mechanism to protect their son and themselves from future dangers. They chose to remain focused on what he couldn’t do as a way to shield him from having to face any more potential problems.

Understandably, they worried about his safety more than ever. They didn’t want him to be out of their sight. And they were concerned about the emotional reaction he might have to seeing a school bus again. It was only a matter of time before the pity poured on Jack turned into his own self-pity.

It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it.

People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.

Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.

Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life.

THE PROBLEM WITH FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Instead of feeling grateful that Jack survived the accident, his parents worried about what the accident took away from them. As a result, they allowed the accident to take away even more.

That’s not to say they weren’t loving parents. Their behavior stemmed from a desire to keep their son safe. However, the more they pitied Jack, the more negatively it affected his mood.

Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways:

•    It’s a waste of time. Feeling sorry for yourself requires a lot of mental energy and does nothing to change the situation. Even when you can’t fix the problem, you can make choices to cope with life’s obstacles in a positive way. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t move you any closer to a solution.

•    It leads to more negative emotions. Once you allow it to take hold, self-pity will ignite a flurry of other negative emotions. It can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness, and other feelings that fuel more negative thoughts.

•    It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feelings of self-pity can lead to living a pitiful life. When you feel sorry for yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll perform at your best. As a result, you may experience more problems and increased failures, which will breed more feelings of self-pity.

•    It prevents you from dealing with other emotions. Self-pity gets in the way of dealing with grief, sadness, anger, and other emotions. It can stall your progress from healing and moving forward because self-pity keeps the focus on why things should be different rather than accepting the situation for what it is.

•    It causes you to overlook the good in your life. If five good things and one bad thing happen in a day, self-pity will cause you to focus only on the negative. When you feel sorry for yourself, you’ll miss out on the positive aspects of life.

•    It interferes with relationships. A victim mentality is not an attractive characteristic. Complaining about how bad your life is will likely wear on people rather quickly. No one ever says, “What I really like about her is the fact that she always feels sorry for herself.”

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Remember the three-pronged approach to achieving mental strength? To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behavior and forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts. For Jack, this meant that he couldn’t spend all his time at home playing video games and watching TV. He needed to be around other kids his age and return to some of his previous activities that he was still able to do, like go to school. His parents also changed their thinking and began to view Jack as a survivor rather than a victim. Once they changed their thoughts about their son and the accident, they were able to exchange self-pity with gratitude.

BEHAVE IN A MANNER THAT MAKES IT HARD TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF

Four months after Lincoln died, his family and I were facing what should have been his twenty-seventh birthday. I had been dreading that day for weeks because I had no idea how we’d pass the time. My cartoon bubble pictured us sitting around in a circle sharing a box of Kleenex and talking about how unfair it was that he never reached his twenty-seventh birthday.

When I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother-in-law how she planned to spend the day, without missing a beat she said, “What do you think about skydiving?” The best part was, she was serious. And, I had to admit, jumping out of a perfectly good airplane did seem like a much better idea than the pity party I’d imagined. It felt like the perfect way to honor Lincoln’s adventurous spirit. He’d always enjoyed meeting new people, going new places, and experiencing new things. It wasn’t unusual for him to head off on a spontaneous weekend trip, even if it meant he’d be flying the red-eye home and would have to go to work as soon as he stepped off the overnight flight. He’d say that one day of feeling tired at work was well worth the memories we’d created. Skydiving was something Lincoln would have loved to do so it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate his life.

It’s impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you’re jumping out of an airplane—unless of course, you don’t have a parachute. Not only did we have a great time, but our skydiving experience led to an annual tradition. Every year on Lincoln’s birthday, we choose to celebrate his love of life and adventure. It’s led to some interesting experiences—from swimming with sharks to riding mules into the Grand Canyon. We’ve even taken flying trapeze lessons.

Each year, the whole family becomes involved in Lincoln’s birthday adventure. Some years, Lincoln’s grandmother watches from the sidelines with her camera, but two years ago, at the age of eighty-eight, she was first in line to go ziplining high above the trees. Even though I’m remarried, it’s a tradition we’ve continued, and my husband, Steve, even participates with us. It’s become a day we actually look forward to each year.

Our choice to spend the day doing something enjoyable isn’t about ignoring our grief or masking our sadness. It’s about making a conscious choice to celebrate life’s gifts and refusing to behave in a pitiful manner. Instead of pitying ourselves for what we lost, we choose to feel grateful for what we had.

When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel. You don’t have to jump out of a plane to ward off feelings of self-pity. Sometimes, small behavioral changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples:

•    Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving hungry people in a soup kitchen or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.

•    Perform a random act of kindness. Whether you mow the neighbor’s lawn or donate pet food to a local animal shelter, doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day.

•    Do something active. Physical or mental activity will help you focus on something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a book, or learn a new hobby, and your behavior change can help shift your attitude.

The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish your feelings of self-pity. Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the same behavioral change won’t work for everyone. If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction, you’ll stay right where you are.

REPLACE THOUGHTS THAT ENCOURAGE SELF-PITY

I once witnessed a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot. Two cars were backing up at the same time and their rear bumpers collided. The collision appeared to cause only minor damage to each vehicle.

I watched as one driver jumped out of his vehicle and said, “Just what I needed. Why do these things always happen to me? As if I didn’t already have enough to deal with today!”

Meanwhile, the other driver stepped out of his vehicle shaking his head. In a very calm voice he said, “Wow, we’re so lucky that no one got hurt. What a great day it is when you can get into an accident and walk away from it without a single injury.”

Both men experienced the exact same event. However, their perception of the event was completely different. One man viewed himself as a victim of horrible circumstance while the other man viewed the event as good fortune. Their reaction was all about their differences in perception.

You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll feel self-pity often. If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often.

Almost every situation has a silver lining. Ask any kid what the best part about having divorced parents is and most of them will say, “I get more presents at Christmas!” Obviously, there isn’t much good that arises from divorce, but getting twice as many presents is one small aspect of divorce that some kids rather enjoy.

Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:

•    What’s another way I could view my situation? This is where the “glass half empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.

•    What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem? Often, we’re better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply them to your situation.

•    What evidence do I have that I can get through this? Feeling sorry for ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something. Remind yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in the past. Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your situation, the worse you’ll feel.

Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity include things such as:

•    I can’t handle one more problem.

•    Good things always happen to everyone else.

•    Bad things always happen to me.

•    My life just gets worse all the time.

•    No one else has to deal with this stuff.

•    I just can’t catch a break.

You can choose to catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control. Though replacing overly negative thoughts with more realistic ones takes practice and hard work, it’s very effective in decreasing feelings of self-pity.

If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that have happened to you as well. Then, replace your original thought with something more realistic like, Some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a realistic way to look at your situation.

EXCHANGE SELF-PITY FOR GRATITUDE

Marla Runyan is a very accomplished woman. She has a master’s degree, she’s written a book, and she’s competed in the Olympics. She even became the first American woman to finish the 2002 New York Marathon with an astounding time of 2 hours, 27 minutes. What makes Marla particularly extraordinary is that she’s accomplished all these feats despite the fact that she’s legally blind.

At age nine, Marla was diagnosed with Stargardt’s disease, a form of macular degeneration that affects children. As her vision deteriorated, Marla discovered her love for running. Over the years, Marla has proved herself to be one of the fastest runners in the world, even though she’s never actually been able to see the finish line.

Initially, Marla became an accomplished athlete in the Paralympics. She competed in 1992 and then again in 1996. Not only did she earn a total of five gold medals and one silver medal, she also set several world records. But Marla didn’t stop there.

In 1999, she entered the Pan American Games and she won the 1,500-meter race. In 2000, she became the first legally blind athlete to ever compete in the Olympics. She was the first American to cross the finish line in the 1,500-meter race and she placed eighth overall.

Marla doesn’t see her blindness as a disability. In fact, she chooses to view it as a gift that allows her to become successful in both long- and short-distance races. In discussing her blindness in her book, No Finish Line: My Life as I See It, Marla writes, “It not only has forced me to prove my competence but also pushed me to achieve. It has given me gifts, such as will and commitment that I use every day.” Marla doesn’t focus on what her vision loss took from her. Instead, she chooses to feel grateful for what her vision impairment actually gave her.

While feeling sorry for yourself is about thinking I deserve better, gratitude is about thinking I have more than I deserve. Experiencing gratitude requires some extra effort, but it isn’t hard. Anyone can learn to become more grateful by developing new habits.

Start to acknowledge other people’s kindness and generosity. Affirm the good in the world and you will begin to appreciate what you have.

You don’t have to be rich, wildly successful, or have the perfect life to feel grateful. A person who earns $34,000 a year may think he doesn’t have much money but he is actually among the richest 1 percent of people in the world. If you’re reading this book, it means you’re more fortunate than the nearly one billion people in the world who can’t read, many of whom will be stuck in a life of poverty.

Look for those little things in life that you can so easily take for granted and work toward increasing your feelings of gratitude. Here are a few simple habits that can help you focus on what you have to be grateful for:

•    Keep a gratitude journal. Each day write down at least one thing you’re grateful for. It could include being grateful for simple pleasures, like having clean air to breathe or seeing the sun shine, or major blessings like your job or family.

•    Say what you’re grateful for. If you aren’t likely to keep up with writing in a journal, make it a habit to say what you’re grateful for. Find one of life’s gifts to be grateful for each morning when you wake up and each night before you go to sleep. Say the words out loud, even if it’s just to yourself, because hearing the words of gratitude will increase your feelings of gratitude.

•    Change the channel when you’re experiencing self-pity. When you notice that you’re starting to feel sorry for yourself, shift your focus. Don’t allow yourself to continue thinking that life isn’t fair or that life should be different. Instead, sit down and list the people, circumstances, and experiences in life that you can be thankful for. If you keep a journal, refer to it and read it whenever self-pity begins to set in.

•    Ask others what they’re grateful for. Strike up conversations about gratitude to help you discover what other people feel thankful for. Hearing what others feel grateful for can remind you of more areas of your life that deserve gratitude.

•    Teach kids to be grateful. If you’re a parent, teaching your children to be grateful for what they have is one of the best ways to keep your own attitude in check. Make it a habit each day to ask your children what they’re grateful for. Have everyone in the family write down what they’re feeling grateful for and place it in a gratitude jar or hang it on a bulletin board. This will give your family a fun reminder to incorporate gratitude into your daily lives.

GIVING UP SELF-PITY WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
Jeremiah Denton served as a U.S. naval aviator during the Vietnam War. In 1965, his plane was shot down and he was forced to eject from his aircraft. He was captured by the North Vietnamese and was taken as a prisoner of war.

Commander Denton and the other officers maintained command over their fellow prisoners even as they were beaten, starved, and tortured on a daily basis. Commander Denton was often placed in solitary confinement for urging other prisoners to resist the North Vietnamese attempts to gain information from them. But that didn’t stop Commander Denton. He devised strategies to communicate with the other prisoners by using signs, tapping on walls, and coughing in sequence.

Ten months after his capture, he was chosen to participate in a televised interview that was used as propaganda. While answering questions, he pretended as though the bright lights from the cameras were bothering his eyes as he began blinking T-O-R-T-U-R-E in Morse code to secretly send the message that he and his fellow prisoners were being mistreated by their captors. Throughout the interview, he continued to express his support for the U.S. government.

He was released in 1973 after seven years in captivity. When he stepped off the plane as a free man, he said, “We are honored to have had the opportunity to serve our country under difficult circumstances. We are profoundly grateful to our commander in chief and to our nation for this day. God bless America.” After retiring from the military in 1977, he was elected to serve as senator for Alabama.

Despite being placed in the worst circumstances imaginable, Jeremiah Denton didn’t waste time feeling sorry for himself. Instead, he maintained his composure and focused on doing whatever he could to manage the situation. Even when he was released, he chose to feel grateful that he was able to serve his country, rather than pity himself for the time he’d lost.

Researchers studied the differences that occur when people focus on their burdens versus focusing on what they’re grateful for. Simply acknowledging a few things you feel grateful for each day is a powerful way to create change. In fact, gratitude not only impacts your psychological health, it can also affect your physical health. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found:

•    People who feel gratitude don’t get sick as often as others. They have better immune systems and report fewer aches and pains. They have lower blood pressure and they exercise more often than the general population. They take better care of their health, sleep longer, and even report feeling more refreshed upon waking.

•    Gratitude leads to more positive emotions. People who feel grateful experience more happiness, joy, and pleasure on a daily basis. They even feel more awake and energetic.

•    Gratitude improves social lives. Grateful people are more willing to forgive others. They behave in a more outgoing fashion and feel less lonely and isolated. They are also more likely to help other people and to behave in a generous and compassionate manner.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
If you allow self-pity to take hold when you’re dealing with stress, you’ll put off working on a solution. Watch out for red flags that you’re allowing yourself to feel self-pity and take a proactive approach to change your attitude at the first sign of feeling sorry for yourself.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Giving yourself a reality check so you don’t exaggerate how bad the situation really is
Replacing overly negative thoughts about your situation with more realistic thoughts
Choosing to actively problem-solve and work on improving your situation
Getting active and behaving in a way that makes you less likely to feel sorry for yourself, even when you don’t feel like it
Practicing gratitude every day
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Allowing yourself to believe that your life is worse than most other people’s lives
Indulging in exaggeratedly negative thoughts about how difficult your life is
Remaining passive about the situation and focusing only on how you feel, rather than what you can do
Declining to participate in experiences and activities that could help you feel better
Staying focused on what you don’t have rather than what you do have
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CHAPTER 2
THEY DON’T GIVE AWAY THEIR POWER
When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness.
—DALE CARNEGIE

Lauren was convinced her overbearing, meddling mother-in-law was going to ruin her marriage, if not her entire life. Although she had thought her mother-in-law, Jackie, was annoying in the past, it wasn’t until she and her husband had two children together that she found her to be unbearable.

Jackie usually made several unannounced visits each week, and she often stayed for several hours at a time. Lauren found those visits to be intrusive on their family time because she only had so much time with her girls between the time she came home from work and the time they went to bed.

But what really bothered Lauren was the way Jackie always tried to undermine her authority with the girls. Jackie would often say things to the children like “You know, a little TV won’t hurt you. I don’t know why your mother always says you can’t watch it” or “I’d let you have dessert but your mother’s convinced sugar is bad for your health.” She sometimes lectured Lauren about her “new age parenting” and reminded her that she allowed her children to watch TV and eat sweets and they seemed to turn out just fine.

Lauren always responded to Jackie’s comments with a polite nod and a smile, but on the inside, she was seething. She grew resentful toward Jackie and she often took it out on her husband. But whenever Lauren complained to her husband about his mother, he’d say something like “Well, you know how she is,” or “Just ignore her comments. She means well.” Lauren found comfort in complaining to her girlfriends who had affectionately named Jackie the “monster-in-law.”

But one week, everything seemed to come to a head when Jackie suggested Lauren should start exercising more because she looked like she had gained a little weight. That comment pushed Lauren over the edge. She stormed out of the house and spent the night at her sister’s. The next day, she still didn’t feel ready to go home. She was afraid she’d have to hear a lecture from Jackie about how she shouldn’t have left. It was at that point Lauren knew she had to get help or her marriage might be in jeopardy.

Lauren initially sought counseling to learn anger management skills to help her respond less angrily to her mother-in-law’s comments. However, after a few therapy sessions, she was able to see that she needed to work on being more proactive in preventing problems, not just less reactive toward Jackie’s comments.

I asked Lauren to complete a pie chart that showed how much time and energy she focused on various areas of her life, such as work, sleep, leisure, family, and time with her mother-in-law. I then asked her to complete a second pie chart that showed how many hours she physically spent doing each activity. When she was done with the second pie chart, she was surprised to see how much her time and energy were out of proportion. Although she only physically spent about five hours a week with her mother-in-law, she was devoting at least an additional five hours thinking and talking about her disdain for her. This exercise helped her see how she was giving her mother-in-law power over many areas of her life. When she could have devoted her energy to nurturing her relationship with her husband or caring for her children, she was often thinking about how much she disliked Jackie.

Once Lauren recognized how much power she was giving Jackie, she chose to start making some changes. She worked with her husband on setting healthy boundaries for their family. Together, they established rules that would help them limit the influence Jackie had on their family. They told Jackie that she could no longer make unannounced visits several times per week. Instead, they would invite her over for dinner when they wanted to visit with her. They also informed her that she could no longer undermine Lauren’s authority as a mother, and if she did, she’d be asked to leave. Lauren also chose to stop complaining about Jackie. She recognized that venting to her friends and her husband only fueled her frustration and wasted her time and energy.

Slowly, but surely, Lauren began to feel like she was getting her life and her house back. She no longer dreaded Jackie’s visits once she recognized she didn’t have to tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior in her home. Instead, she could control what went on under her own roof.

EMPOWERING OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE POWER OVER YOU

Giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes it impossible to be mentally strong. Do any of the points below sound familiar?

    You feel deeply offended by any criticism or negative feedback you receive, regardless of the source.

    Other people have the ability to make you feel so angry that you say and do things you later regret.

    You’ve changed your goals based on what other people have told you that you should be doing with your life.

    The type of day you’re going to have depends on how other people behave.

    When other people try to guilt you into doing something, you reluctantly do it, even if you don’t want to.

    You work hard to ensure other people see you in a positive light because much of your self-worth depends on how others perceive you.

    You spend a lot of time complaining about people and circumstances that you don’t like.

    You often complain about all the things you “have to” do in life.

    You go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions, like embarrassment or sadness.

    You have difficulty setting boundaries, but then feel resentful toward people who take up your time and energy.

    You hold a grudge when someone offends you or hurts you.

Can you see yourself in any of the above examples? Retaining your power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances you’re in.

WHY WE GIVE AWAY OUR POWER
Lauren was clear that she really wanted to be a nice person, and she thought that being a good wife meant tolerating her mother-in-law at all costs. She felt it would be disrespectful to ask her mother-in-law not to come over and she was hesitant to speak up when her feelings were hurt. She’d been raised to “turn the other cheek” when someone treated her poorly. But with help, she was able to see that setting healthy boundaries wasn’t being mean or disrespectful. Instead, setting limits on what was allowed in her own home was healthy for her family and less taxing on her mental strength.

Anytime you don’t set healthy emotional and physical boundaries for yourself, you risk giving away your power to other people. Perhaps you don’t dare say no when your neighbor asks for a favor. Or maybe you dread receiving a phone call from a friend who constantly complains, but you continue to pick up on the first ring. Each time you avoid saying no to something you really don’t want, you give away your power. If you don’t make any attempt to get your needs met, you’ll give people permission to take things away from you.

A lack of emotional boundaries can be equally problematic. If you don’t like the way someone treats you, yet you don’t stand up for yourself, you give that person power over your life.

THE PROBLEM WITH GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER
Lauren allowed her mother-in-law to control what sort of an evening she was going to have. If Jackie showed up, Lauren felt angry and bitter about the fact that she wasn’t getting to spend quality time with her children. On the days Jackie didn’t come to her home, Lauren felt much more relaxed. She allowed Jackie’s behavior to interfere with her relationship with her children, as well as her marriage.

Instead of spending her spare time talking to her husband and her friends about enjoyable subjects, she wasted her energy complaining about Jackie. She even found herself sometimes volunteering to work late because she wasn’t excited about going home when she knew Jackie was going to be there. The longer she gave her power to Jackie, the more helpless she became about fixing it.

There are many problems with giving away your power:

•    You depend on others to regulate your feelings. When you give away your power, you become completely dependent upon other people and external circumstances to regulate your emotions. Life often becomes like a roller coaster—when things are going well, you’ll feel good; but when your circumstances change, your thoughts, feelings, and behavior will shift.

•    You let other people define your self-worth. If you give others the power to determine your self-worth, you’ll never feel worthy enough. You’ll only be as good as someone else’s opinion of you and you will never be able to receive enough praise or positive feedback to meet your needs if you depend on others to feel good about yourself.

•    You avoid addressing the real problem. Giving away your power lends itself to helplessness. Rather than focus on what you can do to improve the situation, you’ll find an excuse to justify your problems.

•    You become a victim of your circumstances. You’ll become a passenger in your own life rather than a driver. You’ll say other people make you feel bad or force you to behave in a manner you don’t like. You’ll blame others instead of accepting responsibility for your choices.

•    You become highly sensitive to criticism. You’ll lack the ability to evaluate criticism. Instead, you’ll take anything anyone says to heart. You’ll give much more power to other people’s words than those words deserve.

•    You lose sight of your goals. You won’t be able to build the kind of life you want when you allow other people to be in control of your goals. You can’t work toward your goals successfully when you give other people the power to get in your way and interfere with your progress.

•    You ruin relationships. If you don’t speak up when people hurt your feelings or you allow them to infringe on your life in an unwelcomed manner, you’ll likely grow resentful toward them.

RECLAIM YOUR POWER
Without confidence in who you are, your entire self-worth may depend on how others feel about you. What if you offend people? What if they don’t like you anymore? If you choose to put up healthy boundaries, you may receive some backlash. But if you have a strong enough sense of self-worth, you’ll learn that you can tolerate the repercussions.

Lauren learned that she could be firm with her mother-in-law, while still behaving respectfully. Although she was terrified of confrontation, Lauren and her husband explained their concerns to Jackie together. Initially, Jackie was offended when they told her she could not come over every night. And Jackie tried to argue when they explained that she would not be allowed to make rude comments about Lauren’s rules for the children. But, over time, Jackie accepted that she had to follow these rules if she wanted to come into their home.

IDENTIFY PEOPLE WHO HAVE TAKEN YOUR POWER

Steven McDonald is an incredible example of someone who chose not to give away his power. While working as a New York City police officer in 1986, Officer McDonald stopped to question some teenagers about some recent bicycle thefts. One of the fifteen-year-olds in question took out a gun and shot Officer McDonald in the head and neck. The shots paralyzed him from the neck down.

Miraculously, Officer McDonald survived. He spent eighteen months in the hospital recuperating and learning how to live as a quadriplegic. At the time of the accident, he’d only been married eight months, and his wife was six months pregnant.

Remarkably, Officer McDonald and his wife chose not to focus on all that had been taken away from them by this teenage boy. Instead, they made a conscious choice to forgive him. In fact, a few years after his injury, the officer’s assailant called him from jail to apologize. Officer McDonald not only accepted his apology, but he also told him that he hoped someday they could travel the country together sharing their story with the hope they could prevent other acts of violence. Officer McDonald never got the chance to do that, however, because three days after his assailant was released from prison, the young man was killed in a motorcycle accident.

So Officer McDonald set out on his mission to spread his message about peace and forgiveness on his own. “The only thing worse than a bullet in my spine would have been to nurture revenge in my heart,” he says in the book Why Forgive? He may have lost his physical mobility in that attack, but he didn’t give that violent incident or his assailant the power to ruin his life. He’s now a highly sought after speaker who teaches love, respect, and forgiveness. Officer McDonald is an inspirational example of someone who, despite being the victim of a senseless act of violence, chose not to waste time giving his assailant more power.

Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you, either emotionally or physically, doesn’t mean you have to excuse the other person’s behavior, but letting go of your anger frees you to focus your energy on a more worthwhile cause.

If you’ve spent most of your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances, it takes hard work to recognize that you have the power to choose your own path in life. The first step is to develop self-awareness by identifying when you blame external circumstances and other people for how you think, feel, and behave. Take a close look at the people you are devoting your time and energy toward. Are they the people you want to receive it? If not, you may be giving them more power than you think they deserve.

Each second you spend commiserating with coworkers about how unfair your boss is, you are giving your boss more power. Every time you tell your friends how controlling your mother-in-law is, you give her a little more power over you. Resolve to stop giving people your time and energy if you don’t want them to play a big role in your life.

REFRAME YOUR LANGUAGE

Sometimes retaining your power means changing the way you look at the situation. Examples of language that indicates you’re giving away your power include:

•    “My boss makes me so mad.” You may not like your boss’s behavior, but does he really make you feel angry? Perhaps your boss behaves in a manner that you don’t like and it may influence how you feel, but he’s not forcing you to feel anything.

•    “My boyfriend left me because I’m not good enough.” Are you really not good enough or is that just one person’s opinion? If you took a poll of a hundred people, it’s not likely that they’d all come to that same consensus. Just because one person thinks something, it doesn’t make it true. Don’t give one person’s opinion of you the power to determine who you are.

•    “My mom makes me feel really bad about myself because she’s always so critical of me.” As an adult, are you obligated to listen to your mother make critical statements about you over and over? Just because she makes comments you don’t like, does it really have to lower your self-esteem?

•    “I have to invite my in-laws over for dinner every Sunday night.” Do your in-laws really force you to do that or is that a choice you make because it’s important to your family?

THINK BEFORE YOU REACT

Rachel brought her sixteen-year-old daughter to me for therapy because her daughter refused to listen to her. No matter what she told her daughter to do, she just wouldn’t do it. I asked Rachel how she reacted when her daughter refused to follow her directions. Out of exasperation, she told me, she yelled and argued with her. Each time her daughter said, “No!,” Rachel yelled, “Do it!”

Rachel didn’t realize it, but she was giving her daughter a lot of power. Every minute that she argued with her daughter was one more minute her daughter could put off cleaning her room. Each time she lost her temper, Rachel gave away some of her power. Instead of controlling her daughter’s behavior, Rachel was giving her daughter power to control her.

If someone says something you don’t like, and you yell or begin to argue, you give those words you don’t like even more power. Make a conscious choice to think about how you want to behave before you react to other people. Every time you lose your cool, you give that other person your power. Here are some strategies to help you stay calm when you’re tempted to react negatively:

•    Take deep breaths. Frustration and anger cause physical reactions within the body—an increased rate of breathing, an elevated heart rate, and sweating to name a few. Taking slow, deep breaths can relax your muscles and decrease the physiological response, which in turn can decrease your emotional reactivity.

•    Excuse yourself from the situation. The more emotional you feel, the less rational you’ll think. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs of anger—such as shaking or feeling flushed—and remove yourself from the situation before you lose your cool. This may mean saying, “I am not willing to talk about that right now,” or it may mean walking away.

•    Distract yourself. Don’t try solving a problem or addressing an issue with someone when you’re feeling overly emotional. Instead, distract yourself with an activity, like walking or reading, to help you calm down. Getting your mind off what’s bothering you, even for a few minutes, can help you calm down so you can think more rationally.

EVALUATE FEEDBACK CRITICALLY

Not long before she released an album that sold over ten million copies, Madonna received a rejection letter from the president of Millennium Records that said, “The only thing missing from this project is the material.” Had Madonna allowed that letter to define her singing and songwriting abilities, she might have given up. But fortunately, she kept looking for opportunities in the music industry. Soon after that rejection letter, she landed a record deal that launched her career. Within a couple of decades, Madonna was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the bestselling female recording artist of all time. She holds numerous other records, including the top-touring female artist of all time, and she’s ranked second on the Billboard Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists—second only to the Beatles.

Almost every successful person likely has a similar story of rejection. In 1956, Andy Warhol tried to give one of his paintings to the Museum of Modern Art, but they declined to accept it even for free. Fast-forward to 1989, and his paintings had become so successful that he earned his own museum. The Andy Warhol Museum is the largest museum in the United States dedicated to a single artist. Clearly, everyone has an opinion, but successful people don’t allow one person’s opinion to define them.

Retaining your power is about evaluating feedback to determine if it has any validity. While criticism can sometimes open our eyes to how others perceive us so we can make positive change—a friend points out a bad habit, or a spouse helps you see your selfish behavior—at other times, criticism is a reflection of the critic. Angry people may choose to offer harsh criticism quite regularly just because it relieves their stress. Or individuals with low self-esteem may feel better about themselves only when they put other people down. So it’s important to really consider the source before making any decisions about how you want to proceed.

When you receive criticism or feedback from others, wait a beat before responding. If you’re upset or emotionally reactive, take the time to calm down. Then ask yourself these questions:

•    What evidence is there that this is true? For example, if your boss says you are lazy, look for evidence of times when you haven’t worked very hard.

•    What evidence do I have this isn’t true? Look for times when you have put in a lot of effort and have been a hard worker.

•    Why might this person be giving me this feedback? Take a step back and see if you can find out why this person may be giving you negative feedback. Is it based on the small sampling of your behavior that the person has witnessed? For example, if your boss only watched you work on a day where you were coming down with the flu, she may decide that you aren’t very productive. Her conclusion may not be accurate.

•    Do I want to change any of my behavior? There may be times where you choose to change your behavior because you agree with the other person’s criticism. For example, if your boss says you’re lazy, maybe you’ll decide that you haven’t been putting in as much effort at the office as you could. So you decide to start showing up early and staying late because it’s important to you to be a good worker. Just remember, though, that your boss isn’t forcing you to do anything different. You are choosing to create change because you want to, not because you have to.

Keep in mind that one person’s opinion of you doesn’t make it true. You can respectfully choose to disagree and move on without devoting time and energy into trying to change the other person’s mind.

RECOGNIZE YOUR CHOICES

There are very few things in life you have to do, but often we convince ourselves we don’t have a choice. Instead of saying, “I have to go to work tomorrow,” remind yourself that it’s a choice. If you choose not to go to work, there will be consequences. Perhaps you won’t get paid. Or maybe you’ll risk losing your job altogether. But it’s a choice.

Simply reminding yourself that you have a choice in everything you do, think, and feel can be very freeing. If you’ve spent most of your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances, it takes hard work to recognize that you have the power to create the kind of life you want to live.

TAKING BACK YOUR POWER WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
You don’t get to be named one of the most powerful people in the world by giving away your power. Just ask Oprah Winfrey. She grew up in extreme poverty and was sexually abused by several people throughout her childhood. She bounced between living with her mother, father, and grandmother, and as a teenager, she frequently ran away from home. She became pregnant at age fourteen, but the infant died shortly after birth.

During her high school years, she began working at a local radio station. She worked her way through several media jobs, and eventually, she landed a job as a TV news anchor. But she was later fired from the position.

She didn’t allow one person’s opinion of her on-air suitability to stop her, however. She went on to create her own talk show and by the age of thirty-two, her show became a national hit. By the age of forty-one, she had a reported net worth of over $340 million. Oprah has started her own magazine, radio show, and TV network and has coauthored five books. She’s even won an Academy Award. She’s started a multitude of charities to help people in need, including a leadership academy for girls in South Africa.

Oprah didn’t let her childhood or her former employer take away her power. A woman who was once teased because she was so poor she wore potato sacks as dresses was named one of the world’s most powerful women by both CNN and Time. Statistically, her upbringing would have predicted a poor prognosis. But Oprah refused to be a statistic. She chose to define who she was going to be in life by not giving away her power.

When you decide that no one else has the power to control how you feel, you’ll experience empowerment. Here are some other ways how retaining your power will help you become mentally strong:

•    You’ll develop a better sense of who you are when you’re able to make choices based on what’s best for you instead of what will prevent the most repercussions.

•    When you take responsibility for your own behavior, you’ll become accountable for your progress toward your goals.

•    You will never be pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do based on guilt trips or what you think other people want you to do.

•    You’ll be able to devote your time and energy to things you choose. You won’t have to blame other people for wasting your time or ruining your day.

•    Retaining your personal power reduces your risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Many mental health problems are linked to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. When you decide not to give other people and external circumstances the power to control how you feel and behave, you gain more power over your mental health.

When you hold a grudge, those feelings of anger and resentment do nothing to lessen the other person’s life. Instead, harboring anger and resentment gives that person more power to interfere with your quality of life. Choosing to forgive allows you to take back your power, not just over your psychological health, but also over your physical health. Research shows some of the health benefits of forgiveness include the following:

•    Forgiveness reduces your stress. Over the years, many studies have shown that holding a grudge keeps your body in a state of stress. When you practice forgiveness, your blood pressure and heart rate decrease.

•    Choosing to forgive increases your tolerance to pain. In a 2005 study of patients with chronic low back pain, anger increased psychological distress and decreased a person’s tolerance to pain. A willingness to forgive was associated with increased pain tolerance.

•    Unconditional forgiveness can help you to live longer. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine discovered that when people were only willing to forgive others under certain conditions—like the other person apologized or promised to never repeat the same behavior—their risk of dying early actually increased. You don’t have any control over whether someone will apologize. Waiting to forgive people until they say they’re sorry gives them control over not just your life, but perhaps even your death.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Monitor your personal power and look for ways in which you are voluntarily giving it away. It takes hard work, but increasing your mental strength requires you to retain every ounce of personal power for yourself.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Using language that acknowledges your choice such as, “I’m choosing to . . .”
Setting healthy emotional and physical boundaries with people
Behaving proactively by making conscious choices about how you’ll respond to others
Taking full responsibility for how you choose to spend your time and energy
Choosing to forgive individuals regardless of whether they seek to make amends
Willingness to examine feedback and criticism without jumping to conclusions
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Using language that implies you’re a victim, such as “I have to do this,” or “My boss makes me so mad”
Feeling anger and resentment toward people you allow to infringe on your rights
Reacting to others and then blaming them for the way you handled yourself
Doing things you don’t want to do and then blaming others for “making” you do it
Choosing to hold a grudge and harbor anger and resentment
Allowing feedback and criticism to control how you feel about yourself
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CHAPTER 3
THEY DON’T SHY AWAY FROM CHANGE
It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t . . . It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.
—JAMES GORDON

Richard entered my therapy office because he wasn’t making much progress in managing his physical health. At the age of forty-four, he was seventy-five pounds overweight and had recently been diagnosed with diabetes.

Shortly after his diagnosis, he’d met with a nutritionist and learned about the diet changes he’d need to make to lose weight and manage his blood sugar. Initially, he tried eliminating all the junk food he had always eaten so regularly. He’d gone so far as to throw away all the ice cream, cookies, and sugary soft drinks he had in his home. But within two days, he found himself buying more sweets and resorting to his old habits.

He was also aware that he’d need to increase his activity level if he wanted to get healthier. After all, he was no stranger to exercise. Back in high school, he’d been a star athlete on the football field and the basketball court. But these days, he spent the majority of his time sitting behind a computer. He worked long hours and wasn’t sure how he’d find the time to exercise. He’d purchased a gym membership, but he’d only gone to the gym twice. He usually came home from work exhausted, and he already felt like he wasn’t spending enough time with his wife and children.

Richard told me that he really wanted to get healthier. But he felt frustrated. Despite understanding the risks of being overweight and the dangers of not managing his diabetes, he just couldn’t motivate himself to change his unhealthy habits.

It was clear that he was trying to change too much too fast, which is a recipe for failure. I recommended he choose one thing to change at a time and for the first week, he said he’d give up the cookies he usually ate at his desk during the afternoon. It was important to find something to replace that habit with—and he decided he would try snacking on carrot sticks instead.

I also recommended he gain support to help him become healthier. He agreed to attend a diabetes support group. And over the next few weeks we discussed strategies to help get his family involved. His wife attended a few therapy sessions with him, and she began to understand steps she could take to help Richard improve his health. She agreed not to buy as much junk food when she went grocery shopping, and she began working with Richard on finding healthier recipes for their meals.

We also discussed a realistic exercise schedule. Richard said that almost every day he left the house planning to go to the gym after work, but he always talked himself out of it and went straight home. We decided he’d start by going to the gym three days a week and he scheduled those three days ahead of time. He also kept a list of all the reasons why going to the gym was a good idea in the car. On the days when he began thinking that he should just go home instead of going to the gym, he read over his list as a reminder about why going to the gym was the best choice, even if he didn’t feel like it.

Over the next two months, Richard began losing weight. But his blood sugar was still fairly high. He admitted that he was still eating a lot of junk food in the evenings while he watched TV. I encouraged him to find ways to make it less convenient for him to reach for sugary snacks, so he decided that he’d keep the sweet treats downstairs in the basement. Then, when he wandered into the kitchen in the evenings, he’d be more likely to reach for a healthy snack. If he still wanted cookies, he’d have to think about whether he wanted to go down to the basement to get them and most of the time, he found that he was more motivated to reach for a healthier snack. As soon as he started making progress, he found it easier to make more changes. Eventually, he was able to feel more inspired to lose weight and manage his blood sugar.

TO CHANGE OR NOT TO CHANGE
Although it’s often easy to say you want to change, successfully making a change is hard. Our thoughts and emotions often prevent us from creating behavioral change, even when it will improve our lives.

Many people shy away from making changes that can drastically improve their lives. See if any of the following apply to you:

    You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself what you’re doing isn’t “that bad.”

    You experience a lot of anxiety about changes to your routine.

    Even when you’re in a bad situation, you worry that making a change might make things worse.

    Whenever you attempt to make a change, you struggle to stick with it.

    When your boss, family, or friends make changes that affect you, it’s difficult for you to adapt.

    You think a lot about making changes but put off doing anything different until later.

    You worry that any changes you make aren’t likely to last.

    The thought of stepping outside your comfort zone just seems too scary.

    You lack the motivation to create positive change because it’s too hard.

    You make excuses for why you can’t change, like “I’d like to exercise more, but my spouse doesn’t want to go with me.”

    You have difficulty recalling the last time you purposely tried to challenge yourself to become better.

    You hesitate to do anything new because it just seems like too big of a commitment.

Do any of the above examples sound familiar? Although circumstances can change quickly, humans often change at a much slower pace. Choosing to do something different requires you to adapt your thinking and your behavior, which will likely bring up some uncomfortable emotions. But that doesn’t mean you should shy away from change.

WHY WE SHY AWAY FROM CHANGE
Initially, Richard tried to change too much too fast and he quickly became overwhelmed. Whenever he thought, This is going to be too hard, he allowed himself to give up. As soon as he began seeing some positive results, however, his thoughts became more positive and it was easier for him to stay motivated. Many people shy away from change because they think that doing something different is too risky or uncomfortable.



TYPES OF CHANGE

We can experience different types of change, some you might find easier than others:

•    All-or-nothing change—Some changes are incremental while others are basically all or nothing. Deciding to have a child, for example, isn’t something you can do in steps. Once you have that baby, your life has irrevocably changed.

•    Habit change—You can choose to either get rid of bad habits, like sleeping too late, or you can choose to create good habits, like exercising five times a week. Most habit changes allow you to try something new for a little while, but you can always revert back to your old habits.

•    Trying-something-new change—Change sometimes involves trying something new or mixing up your daily routine, like volunteering at a hospital or taking violin lessons.

•    Behavioral change—Sometimes there are behavioral changes that don’t necessarily constitute a habit. For example, maybe you want to commit to going to all of your child’s sports games or maybe you want to behave friendlier.

•    Emotional change—Not all change is tangible. Sometimes it’s emotional. For example, if you want to feel less irritable all the time, you’ll need to examine the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to your irritability.

•    Cognitive change—There may be ways in which you want to change your thinking as well. Perhaps you want to think less about the past or maybe decrease worrisome thoughts.



READINESS FOR CHANGE

New Year’s resolutions are commonly broken, because we try to make changes based on a date and not because we’re really ready. And if you aren’t ready to create change, you likely won’t be successful at maintaining it. Even changing one small habit, like deciding you’ll floss your teeth every day or giving up your bedtime snack, requires a certain level of commitment.

THE FIVE STAGES OF CHANGE
1.    Precontemplation—When people are precontemplative, they don’t yet identify any need to change. Richard was precontemplative about making any changes to his health for years. He avoided going to the doctor, he refused to step on a scale, and he dismissed any comments his wife made when she expressed concern about his health.

2.    Contemplation—People who are actively contemplative are considering the pros and cons of making a change. When I first saw Richard, he was contemplative. He was aware that not changing his eating habits could have serious consequences, but he was also not yet certain how to go about creating change.

3.    Preparation—This is the stage where people prepare to make a change. They establish a plan with concrete steps that identify what they are going to do differently. Once Richard moved into the preparation stage, he scheduled days to work out and chose one snack to swap for something healthier.

4.    Action—This is where the concrete behavioral change takes place. Richard started going to the gym and swapped his afternoon cookies for carrots.

5.    Maintenance—This often overlooked step is essential. Richard needed to plan ahead so he could maintain his lifestyle changes when he faced obstacles, like holidays or vacations.

FEAR

When I met Andrew, he was stuck in a low-paying job that didn’t challenge him. He had a college degree—and the student loans to prove it—but he was working in a field that didn’t use any of his skills. There was little opportunity for advancement.

A few months prior to our first session, he’d gotten into a car accident. Not only was his car totaled, but he’d racked up some hefty medical bills. He was underinsured in terms of both his health and his vehicle, and he was experiencing serious financial problems.

Despite feeling a lot of stress about his financial situation, Andrew was afraid to apply for new jobs. He worried that he might not like a different job, and he lacked confidence in his skills. He also dreaded the thought of getting used to a new office, a new boss, and different coworkers.

I helped Andrew examine the pros and cons of a job change. Once Andrew developed a budget, he was able to examine the facts of the situation. Staying at his current job would make it impossible to pay for his bills each month. Even without a single unexpected expense, he would be at least $200 shy of paying his bills. Facing this reality gave Andrew the motivation he needed to begin applying for new jobs. The fear of not being able to pay his bills had to outweigh the fear of getting a new job that paid better.

Just like Andrew, many people worry that doing something different may make things even worse. Maybe you don’t like the house you’re living in, but you worry that a new home could have even bigger problems. Or maybe you worry about ending a relationship because you are afraid you won’t ever find anyone better. So you convince yourself to keep things the same, even if you’re not happy.

AVOIDING DISCOMFORT

Many people associate change with discomfort. And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioral change. Richard knew what changes he needed to make to improve his health, but he didn’t want to give up foods he liked or feel the pain that accompanies a workout. And he worried that losing weight meant he’d have to be hungry. He dreaded all those realities, but he didn’t realize that these slight discomforts were just that, and nothing worse. It wasn’t until he began gaining confidence in his ability to tolerate discomfort that he truly felt like making further changes.

GRIEF

Tiffany came to therapy because she wanted to change her spending habits. Her shopping had become out of control, and she felt stressed because she was carrying around huge credit card balances. She didn’t want to keep spending but at the same time, she didn’t want to change. When we discussed some of her concerns about what would happen if she tried to stick to a budget, she discovered that she didn’t want to give up time with her friends, because she and her girlfriends often spent Saturday afternoons shopping together. She thought the only way to curb her spending meant giving up time with her friends, which she feared would lead to loneliness.

Doing something different means giving something up. And there’s often a grief associated with leaving something behind. To spare ourselves this grief, we can convince ourselves not to change. Tiffany would have rather held on to her girls’ day at the mall than avoid financial ruin.

THE PROBLEM WITH SHYING AWAY FROM CHANGE
Shying away from change can have serious consequences. In Richard’s case, continuing his current habits would likely take a serious toll on his health. The longer he delayed making change, the more irreversible damage he was likely to suffer.

But avoiding change doesn’t always have just physical consequences. Remaining stagnant can also interfere with personal growth in other areas of your life.

•    Staying the same often equals getting stuck in a rut. Life can get pretty boring if you don’t do anything differently. A person who simply decides to keep things as mundane and low-key as possible isn’t likely to experience a rich, full life and might become depressed.

•    You won’t learn new things. The world will change with or without you. Don’t think that your choice not to change will prevent anyone else from embracing change. You’ll risk being left in the dust if you choose to keep doing everything the same for the rest of your life.

•    Your life may not get better. If you don’t change, you can’t make your life better. Many problems that are waiting to be solved require you to do something different. But if you aren’t willing to try something new, those issues are likely to remain unresolved.

•    You won’t challenge yourself to develop healthier habits. It’s easy to develop bad habits. Breaking bad habits requires a willingness to try something new.

•    Other people will outgrow you. “My husband isn’t the same man I married thirty years ago.” I hear this all the time in my office, and my response is usually, “Let’s hope not.” I hope everyone grows and changes over the course of thirty years. If you are unwilling to challenge yourself and improve, others may grow bored with you.

•    The longer you wait the harder it gets. Do you think it’s easier to quit smoking after your first cigarette or after twenty years of smoking? The longer you keep the same habits, the harder they can be to break. Sometimes people put off change until the right time. They say things like “I’ll look for a new job when things calm down” or “I’ll worry about losing weight after the holidays.” But, often, the perfect time to do something never arises. The longer change gets delayed, the harder it is to do.

ACCEPT CHANGE
I first learned of Mary Deming from one of her close friends who couldn’t stop saying enough good things about her. And when I heard Mary’s story, I began to understand why. But it wasn’t until I spoke with her that it truly hit me.

When Mary was eighteen, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Three short years later, her mother passed away. Following her mother’s death, Mary admits she buried her head in the sand. She says she vacillated between feeling sorry for herself—her father had passed away when she was a teen so she felt it was unfair she was an “orphan” at 21—and busying herself with as much activity as possible so she didn’t have to face the reality of her situation.

But in 2000, at the age of fifty—the same age her father had been when he passed away—Mary began thinking about her own mortality. That same year, as a high school teacher, Mary was asked to chaperone a school-sponsored fund-raiser for cancer research. Chaperoning that event provided Mary with an opportunity to meet with other people who had lost loved ones to cancer and the fund-raiser ignited her passion to make a difference. She began participating in fund-raising events for cancer research.

Initially, she joined the American Cancer Society’s “Relay for Life” as her first fund-raiser walk. Then, in 2008, she joined the three-day sixty-mile walk sponsored by Susan G. Komen that was specifically aimed at raising money for breast cancer. Mary had always been a competitive person and when she saw how much money other people were able to raise, she kicked it into high gear and single-handedly raised $38,000, one thousand dollars for each year her mother had been gone.

But instead of patting herself on the back for a job well done, Mary credits the people in her small town with helping her raise the funds. And her fund-raising endeavors made her recognize that raising money for cancer research was near and dear to her neighbors’ hearts. She began to do some research and she discovered that her home state of Connecticut had the second highest rate of breast cancer in the nation. And that sparked an idea.

Mary decided to start her own nonprofit agency to raise money, and she got the entire community involved. She named her organization Seymour Pink, after her town of Seymour, Connecticut. Each October—breast cancer awareness month—the town makes sure everyone has an opportunity to “see more pink.” Businesses decorate with pink. Pink banners honoring survivors and memorializing loved ones who have lost their battle to breast cancer are hung on the light posts throughout the town. Homes are decorated with pink ribbons and balloons.

Over the years, Mary has raised almost a half million dollars for breast cancer–related causes. Her organization donates some money for cancer research and also provides direct financial support to families who are affected by cancer. Not only does Mary not take any of the credit—she only boasts about how wonderful her community members are who participate in her fund-raisers—but she also fails to mention her personal triumphs. I only learned about the obstacles she overcame because someone else told me.

Just three years into her fund-raising efforts, Mary was in a severe car accident. A traumatic brain injury left her with significant speech and cognitive issues. But even a serious car accident couldn’t hold someone like Mary back. She went to speech therapy eight times a week and was determined to get back to raising money for breast cancer patients and research. At a time when most people would have retired, Mary said, “I’m not going out like that.” She knew it would be a long road to recovery but she didn’t believe in quitting. It took her five years, but by 2008, she returned to her job as a high school science teacher and resumed her fund-raising efforts.

Mary didn’t set out to change the world. Instead, she focused on what she could do to make a difference. If you start by changing your life, you can begin to make a difference in the lives of other people. Mother Teresa said, “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” Mary Deming didn’t set out to change the entire world either, but she sure has changed a lot of lives.

IDENTIFY THE PROS AND CONS OF CHANGING

Create a list of what is good about staying the same and what is bad about staying the same. Then, create a list about the potentially good and bad outcomes of making a change. Don’t simply make your decision based on the sheer number of pros versus cons. Instead, examine the list. Read it over a few times and think about the potential consequences of changing versus staying the same. If you’re still considering change, this exercise can help you move closer to making a decision.

There’s no need to change for the sake of change. Moving to a new home, starting a new relationship, or switching jobs aren’t inherently going to increase your mental strength. Instead, it’s important to pay close attention to the reasons why you want to change so you can determine whether the decision is about doing what’s ultimately best for you.

If you’re still ambivalent, create a behavioral experiment. Unless you’re dealing with an all-or-nothing change, try something new for one week. After you’ve done it for a week, evaluate your progress and motivation. Decide if you want to continue with the change or not.

DEVELOP AN AWARENESS OF YOUR EMOTIONS

Pay attention to the emotions that are influencing your decision as well. When you think about making a change, how do you feel? For example:

•    Are you nervous that the change won’t last?

•    Do you feel exhausted at the sheer thought of doing something different?

•    Are you worried about your ability to follow through with the change?

•    Are you scared things may get worse?

•    Are you sad that you’ll have to give something up?

•    Are you uncomfortable even admitting a problem exists?

Once you identify some of your emotions, you can decide whether it makes sense to act contrary to those emotions. Richard, for example, felt a variety of emotions. He was nervous about committing to something new. He was feeling guilty that he may need to give up time with his family to exercise and he was worried that he wouldn’t be successful at managing his health. Despite all that, he was even more fearful about what would happen to him if he didn’t make a change.

Don’t allow your emotions to make the final decision. Sometimes you have to be willing to change, even when you don’t “feel like it.” Balance your emotions with rational thinking. If you’re terrified of doing something new, and it really won’t make a big difference in your life, you may decide it’s not worth putting yourself through the stress of change. But, if you can rationally identify how change will be best for you in the long term, it may make sense to tolerate the discomfort.

MANAGE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Look for unrealistically negative thoughts that may be influencing you. Once you’ve started to make changes, the way you think about the process can also greatly affect how motivated you’ll be to keep going. Be on the alert for these types of thoughts that will tempt you to shy away from change:

•    This will never work.

•    I can’t handle doing something different.

•    It will be too hard.

•    It’ll be too stressful to give up the things I like.

•    What I’m doing now isn’t that bad.

•    There’s no sense in trying because I tried something like that before and it didn’t help.

•    I don’t deal with change well.

Just because you think it will be difficult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Often, some of the best things in life come from our ability to conquer a challenge through hard work.

CREATE A SUCCESSFUL PLAN FOR CHANGE

Preparing for the change can be the most important step. Create a plan for how you’ll implement the change and how you’ll stick to it. Once you have a plan in place, then you can implement the behavioral change one small step at a time.

Initially, Richard told himself he needed to lose seventy-five pounds. Thinking about that huge number however, overwhelmed him. He just didn’t think it was possible. He started each day with the best of intentions, but by the evening, he slid back into his old habits. It wasn’t until he began focusing on what he could do today that he was able to start making helpful behavioral changes. By establishing smaller goals, such as losing five pounds, he was able to create action steps that he could do each day. He kept a food journal, packed his lunch instead of dining out, and went for a short walk with his family on the days he didn’t go to the gym.

Unless you’re dealing with an all-or-nothing type of change, you can create change in incremental steps. Prepare for making the change with these steps:

•    Create a goal for what you would like to accomplish in the next thirty days. Sometimes people try to change everything all at once. Identify one goal that you want to focus on first and establish a realistic expectation for what you’d like to see change in one month’s time.

•    Establish concrete behavior changes you can make to reach that goal each day. Identify at least one step you can take each day to move closer to your goal.

•    Anticipate obstacles along the way. Make a plan for how you will respond to specific challenges that you’re likely to encounter. Planning ahead can help you stay on track.

•    Establish accountability. We do best when we establish some type of accountability for our progress. Enlist the help of friends and family who can provide support and check in with you about your progress. Be accountable to yourself by writing down your progress daily.

•    Monitor your progress. Determine how you’ll keep track of your progress. Keeping a record of your efforts and daily achievements can help you stay motivated to maintain changes.

BEHAVE LIKE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BECOME

If your goal is to be more outgoing, behave in a friendly manner. If you want to be a successful salesperson, study how successful salespeople behave and then do what they do. You don’t necessarily have to wait until you feel like it or until the right time comes; start changing your behavior now.

Richard wanted to be healthier, so he needed to behave like a healthy person. Eating a healthy diet and engaging in more physical activity were two things Richard could start doing to get closer to his goals.

Clearly identify the type of person you’d like to be. Then, be proactive about becoming that person. So often I hear, “I wish I could have more friends.” Don’t wait for friends to come to you; start acting like a friendly person now and you can develop new friendships.

EMBRACING CHANGE WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
Judge Greg Mathis was raised in the projects of Detroit during the 1960s and 1970s. As a teenager, he was arrested many times, and he dropped out of school to join a gang. At the age of seventeen, while incarcerated at a juvenile detention center, his mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Mathis was offered early probation as a result of her illness and promised his dying mother he’d turn his life around once and for all.

His probation terms required him to maintain a job, and he began working at McDonald’s. He was accepted to Eastern Michigan University and went on to law school. Due to his criminal history, he wasn’t able to get a job as a lawyer, but that didn’t stop him from finding ways to help the city of Detroit. He became manager of the Detroit Neighborhood City Halls. Around the same time, he and his wife established Young Adults Asserting Themselves, a nonprofit agency that helped young people find employment. A few years later, Mathis decided to run for judge. Although his opponents reminded the community of his criminal background, the people of Detroit believed Mathis was a changed man. Mathis was elected the youngest judge in Michigan’s history after beating out the twenty-year incumbent. Judge Mathis soon gained Hollywood attention and in 1999, he began a successful TV show where he settles small-claims disputes.

Once a criminal himself, Judge Mathis now donates much of his time and energy to helping young people make better decisions in their lives. He tours the country offering Youth and Education Expos that encourage young people to make the best choices they can for their future. He’s received multiple awards and commendations for his ability to inspire young people to avoid making the same mistakes he made in his life.

Sometimes change results in a complete transformation that could alter the entire course of your life. So often, when people become committed to create change in one area of their lives, like pay off their debt, before they know it, they’re also losing weight and their marriages improve. Positive change leads to increased motivation and increased motivation leads to more positive change. Embracing change is a two-way street.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Unfortunately, your life will change whether you want it to or not. Change created by job loss, death of a loved one, a friend moving away, or kids moving out are all a part of life. When you practice adapting to the small changes, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the large inevitable changes that come your way.

Pay attention to the way you handle change. Watch out for warning signs that you may be avoiding important change that could ultimately improve your life. Although change can feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to increase your mental strength unless you’re willing to grow and improve.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Evaluating your readiness to change with an open mind
Setting a realistic time frame to establish and reach your goals
Balancing your emotions and rational thoughts to help you make a decision about whether to do something different
Willingness to anticipate potential obstacles that could interfere with your progress
Reviewing the potential pros and cons of making a change as well as the pros and cons of staying the same
Focusing on one small change at a time with clear action steps
Committing to behaving like the person you want to become
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Ignoring or avoiding even thinking about change
Putting off doing anything different until you reach certain milestones or until certain time frames have passed
Allowing your emotions to dictate whether you want to change without considering the logical aspects of doing something different
Making excuses for why you can’t do anything different
Only focusing on the negative aspects of change without considering the positive
Convincing yourself not to bother trying to change because you don’t think you can do it
Waiting until you feel like creating change
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CHAPTER 4
THEY DON’T FOCUS ON THINGS THEY CAN’T CONTROL
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
—MAYA ANGELOU

James entered my therapy office because he was upset by his ongoing custody battle. James had struggled with his ex-wife, Carmen, for custody of their seven-year-old daughter for over three years. The judge had given primary custody to Carmen, allowing James visitation on Wednesday evenings and weekends. James was outraged by the judge’s decision, as he was certain he was the better parent. James was convinced that Carmen was out to get him and destroy his relationship with his daughter. He’d recently informed Carmen that he was planning a whale-watching excursion for his daughter. When the trip neared, however, his daughter informed him that her mother had taken her whale watching the week prior. James was infuriated. He felt like Carmen was always trying to upstage him or win their daughter’s favor by throwing her the biggest birthday parties, buying her the most expensive Christmas gifts, and taking her on the most lavish vacations. James couldn’t afford to keep up with his ex-wife financially nor did he want to compete with her lack of discipline. Carmen allowed their daughter to stay up late, play outside alone, and eat as much junk food as she wanted. He tried to talk to Carmen about his concerns many times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in his opinion. James was pretty sure Carmen just wanted him to look like the bad guy in the eyes of their daughter.

He also didn’t like the fact that his ex-wife was dating again because he worried about the type of men their daughter would be exposed to. He even told Carmen that he saw her boyfriend with another woman once, in the hopes that they would break up. His plan backfired when she threatened to get a restraining order against him if he didn’t leave her alone.

James initially came to therapy not because he wanted help dealing with his emotions, but because he was looking for a legal ally. He wanted me to write a letter to the court outlining the reasons why he should have full custody of his daughter. When I explained that I couldn’t do that, he initially said he didn’t think therapy could possibly be helpful. But, instead of leaving, he just kept talking.

When I asked him how effective his previous attempts to change the judge’s mind had been, he acknowledged that the judge was pretty clear that the custody order was going to remain in place, whether he liked it or not. He also admitted he hadn’t been able to convince Carmen to make any changes, despite his intense efforts. By the end of the session, James actually agreed to come to another appointment.

During his next appointment, we discussed how his attempts to control the situation were negatively affecting his daughter. He recognized how his anger toward his ex-wife interfered with his relationship with his little girl. We discussed some strategies that could help him refocus some of his efforts on improving his relationship with his daughter instead.

By the time James returned for his third and final session I knew he got it when he said, “I should have focused on having fun with my daughter when we went whale watching, rather than spending the entire trip texting angry messages to her mother about how I didn’t appreciate her attempts to overshadow me.” He also recognized that although he didn’t agree with some of Carmen’s rules, dragging her back to court repeatedly wasn’t likely to help resolve the situation. Instead, he’d only be wasting more money that he could be spending on their daughter. He decided that he should focus his energy on being the best role model he could be for their daughter, so he could be a positive influence in her life.

KEEPING EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL
It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic. Do you respond positively to any of these points below?

    You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent anything bad from happening.

    You invest energy into wishing other people would change.

    When faced with a tough situation, you think you can single-handedly fix everything.

    You believe the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert.

    You assume that good luck has nothing to do with success. Instead, it’s completely up to you to determine your future.

    Other people sometimes accuse you of being a “control freak.”

    You struggle to delegate tasks to other people because you don’t think they’ll do the job right.

    Even when you recognize you aren’t able to completely control a situation, you struggle to let it go.

    If you fail at something, you believe you are solely responsible.

    You don’t feel comfortable asking for help.

    You think people who don’t reach their goals are completely responsible for their situation.

    You struggle with teamwork because you doubt the abilities of other people on the team.

    You have difficulty establishing meaningful relationships because you don’t trust people.

Are you guilty of any of the examples above? We can’t possibly make all our circumstances and all the people in our lives fit into the way we think things should be. When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.

WHY WE TRY TO CONTROL EVERYTHING
James felt very guilty about the divorce. He had tried to make his marriage work with Carmen, because he wanted their daughter to grow up in a stable home. When their relationship ended, he didn’t want their daughter to suffer.

Clearly, James was a loving father who worried about his daughter’s well-being. It was terrifying for him to recognize how little control he had over what happened to his daughter when she was with her mother. To reduce his anxiety, he tried to control as much of the situation as he could. He thought that if he were able to control everything—from who his ex-wife dated to the type of rules she had in her home—he would feel better.

Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment.

The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex. We hold on to the mistaken belief that if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want. Rather than delegating a task to a coworker, or trusting a spouse to run an errand, we often choose to do it ourselves to make sure it will be “done right” because we don’t trust in other people’s capabilities.



LOCUS OF CONTROL

Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your belief system. The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People with an external locus of control believe that their lives depend highly on fate, luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will be.”

People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control over their future. They take full responsibility for their successes and failures in life. They believe they have the ability to control everything from their financial future to their health.

Your locus of control will determine how you view your circumstances. Imagine a person who attends a job interview. He possesses the qualifications, education, and experience the company is looking for. But a few days after the interview, he receives a call telling him he didn’t get the job. If he has an external locus of control he’ll think, They probably had some overqualified people apply for the position. It wasn’t the right job for me anyway. If he has an internal locus of control, he’s more likely to think, I must not have done a good job impressing them. I knew I should have redone my résumé. I’ve also got to sharpen my interview skills.

Several factors influence your locus of control. Your childhood experiences certainly play a role. If you grew up in a family where hard work was valued, you may lean more toward an internal locus of control, because you’ll believe that hard work can pay off. If however, you grew up with parents who drilled into you things such as, “Your vote doesn’t matter in this world,” or “No matter what you do, the world will always keep you down,” you may have developed an external locus of control.

Your experiences throughout life can also influence your locus of control. If you achieve success when you try hard, you’ll see that you have a lot of control over the outcome. But if you feel like no matter what you do, things just don’t turn out right, you may begin to feel like you have less control.

An internal locus of control has often been idealized as the “best” way to be. Ideas like “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it” have been valued in many cultures. In fact, people with a high sense of control often make great CEOs because they believe in their ability to make a difference. Doctors like having patients with a strong internal locus of control because they do everything possible to treat and prevent illness. But there are also potential downsides to believing you can control everything.



THE PROBLEM WITH WASTING ENERGY ON THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL
James wasted a lot of time, energy, and money on trying to change his custody situation even though his repeated court appearances clearly weren’t influencing the judge’s decision. Although he initially thought that exerting more effort into controlling the situation would reduce his stress, over the long term, his stress increased each time he failed at his attempts to gain more control. His attempts to gain control also negatively impacted his relationship with his daughter. Instead of enjoying their time together and focusing on nurturing their relationship, he grilled her with questions to learn more about what was going on at her mother’s house. There are several problems associated with trying to control everything:

•    Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxiety. Efforts to manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome.

•    Attempting to control everything wastes time and energy. Worrying about things outside of your control wastes mental energy. Wishing circumstances were different, trying to convince people they have to do everything your way, and attempting to prevent anything bad from ever happening is exhausting. It takes energy away from actively problem solving and the issues you do have control over.

•    Being a control freak damages relationships. Telling people what they should do or how to do things right isn’t likely to attract many friends. In fact, many who have control issues struggle to get close to people because they don’t trust others with any type of responsibility.

•    You’ll judge others harshly. If you credit all your success in life to your abilities, you’ll criticize people who haven’t achieved the same. In fact, people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their standards.

•    You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything. You can’t prevent bad things from happening all the time. But, if you think everything is within your control, you’ll believe you’re directly responsible every time life doesn’t go according to your plan.

DEVELOP A BALANCED SENSE OF CONTROL
James couldn’t move forward until he accepted that he didn’t have complete control over the custody situation. Once he was able to recognize this, he could focus on the things he did have control over—like improving his relationship with his daughter. He also wanted to focus on establishing at least a civil relationship with his ex-wife, but to do that, he needed to continue reminding himself that he couldn’t control what went on in her home. Clearly, if he recognized any signs that his daughter was being seriously harmed, he could act, but eating ice cream and staying up late didn’t rise to the level of danger that would make a judge give him custody.

Those who strike the right balance of control recognize how their behaviors can affect their chances of success, but they also identify how external factors, such as being in the right place at the right time, can play a role. Researchers found that these people have a bi-locus of control, as opposed to a complete internal or external locus of control. To achieve this balance in your own life, be willing to examine your beliefs about what you truly can control and what you can’t. Take notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and circumstances that you just couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control:

•    You can host a good party, but you can’t control whether people have fun.

•    You can give your child tools to be successful, but you can’t make your child be a good student.

•    You can do your best at your job, but you can’t force your boss to recognize your work.

•    You can sell a great product, but you can’t dictate who buys it.

•    You may be the smartest person in the room, but you can’t control whether people choose to follow your advice.

•    You can nag, beg, and make threats, but you can’t force your spouse to behave differently.

•    You can have the most positive attitude in the world, but it can’t make a terminal diagnosis disappear.

•    You can control how much you take care of yourself, but you can’t always prevent illness.

•    You can control what you’re doing, but you can’t control your competitor.

IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS

In 2005, Heather Von St. James was diagnosed with mesothelioma when her daughter was just three months old. As a little girl, she had worn her father’s construction jacket for fun. His jacket had most likely been exposed to asbestos, which has been linked to mesothelioma and could explain why at only thirty-six, Heather had what is known as an “old man’s disease.”

Doctors initially gave Heather fifteen months to live. With radiation and chemotherapy, they said she might live up to five years. She was, however, a prime candidate for lung removal, and although the surgery was risky, it was her best chance for survival.

Heather chose to undergo the extensive surgery that would remove the affected lung and the lining around her lung as well as replace half of her diaphragm and the lining of her heart with surgical Gore-Tex. She remained hospitalized for a month following the operation. When she was discharged from the hospital, she went to stay with her parents for a few months so they could help her care for her baby while her husband returned to work. When Heather returned home three months later, she underwent radiation and chemotherapy. It took her almost a year to begin feeling better again, but to this day, she remains cancer free. Although she becomes out of breath more easily with physical exertion now that she only has one lung, she considers it a relatively small price to pay.

To commemorate the anniversary of the day she got her lung removed, Heather now celebrates, “Lung Leavin’ Day” on February 2 each year. Each year on “Lung Leavin’ Day,” Heather acknowledges her fears about the things she doesn’t have control over—like the possibility of the cancer returning. She uses a marker to write those fears on a plate and then she symbolically lets go of those fears by smashing the plate into a fire. Within just a few short years, the celebration has grown. Today, more than eighty friends and family attend. Guests join in by writing down their own fears and smashing their plates into the fire. They’ve even turned it into a fund-raiser for mesothelioma research.

“Cancer leaves you feeling so out of control,” Heather acknowledges. Although she is currently cancer free, she admits that she continues to be fearful that her daughter may have to grow up without a mother. But she chooses to face her fears head-on by writing down what scares her most, and recognizing that those things are not within her control. She then chooses to focus her efforts on what she does have control over—like living every day to the fullest.

Heather now works as a patient advocate for mesothelioma. She speaks with newly diagnosed patients and helps them deal with their fears about cancer. She’s also a keynote speaker who delivers her message of hope and healing.

When you notice yourself trying to control something that you can’t, ask yourself, What am I so afraid of? Do you worry someone else is going to make a bad choice? Do you worry that something is going to go terribly wrong? Are you terrified that you won’t be successful? Acknowledging your fears, and developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is within your control and what isn’t.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

Once you’ve identified your fears, identify what you can control, bearing in mind that sometimes the only thing you can control is your behavior and attitude.

You can’t control what happens to your luggage once you hand it to an airline employee at the airport. But what you can control is what you pack in your carry-on bag. If you have your most important belongings and an extra change of clothing with you, it won’t feel like such an emergency if your luggage doesn’t arrive at your destination on time. By focusing on what you can control, it is much easier to let go of worrying about what you can’t.

When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognize that you can’t control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end result.

INFLUENCE PEOPLE WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL THEM

Jenny was twenty years old when she chose to drop out of college. After spending a couple of years working toward a degree in education, she decided she didn’t really want to be a math teacher. To her mother’s horror, she wanted to pursue art instead.

Every day Jenny’s mother called to tell Jenny she was ruining her life. She made it clear she would never support Jenny’s choice to drop out of school. She even threatened to cut off contact with Jenny if she didn’t choose to take “the right path.”

Jenny quickly got sick of her mother’s daily criticisms over her choices. She told her mother several times that she was not going back to college and her insults and threats wouldn’t change her mind. But her mother persisted because she worried about what type of future Jenny would have as an artist.

Eventually, Jenny stopped answering the phone. She stopped going to her mother’s house for dinner, too. After all, it wasn’t enjoyable to hear her mother lecture her about how college dropouts and aspiring artists don’t ever make it in the real world. Even though Jenny was a grown adult, her mother wanted to control what she did. It was painful for her to sit on the sidelines and watch Jenny make choices she felt were irresponsible. She imagined her daughter would always be broke, unhappy, and struggling just to survive. Jenny’s mother mistakenly believed she could control what Jenny did with her life. Unfortunately, her attempts to control Jenny ruined their relationship without motivating Jenny to do anything different.

It’s hard to sit back and watch other people engage in behavior we don’t approve of, especially if that behavior is something we view as self-destructive. But making demands, nagging, and begging won’t yield the results you want. Here are strategies to influence others without trying to force them to change:

•    Listen first, speak second. Other people are often less defensive when they feel like you’ve taken the time to hear what they have to say.

•    Share your opinion and concerns, but only share it once. Repeating your unease over and over again won’t make your words any more effective. In fact, it can backfire.

•    Change your behavior. If a wife doesn’t want her husband to drink, emptying his beer cans down the drain isn’t going to motivate him to stop drinking. But she can choose to spend time with him when he’s sober and not be around him when he’s drinking. If he enjoys spending time with her, he may choose to remain sober more often.

•    Point out the positive. If someone is making a genuine effort to create change, whether it’s to stop smoking or start exercising, offer some genuine praise. Just don’t go overboard or say something like, “See, I told you that you’d feel better if you quit eating all that junk food.” Backhanded compliments or an “I told you so” don’t motivate people to change.

PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE

Imagine a man stuck in a traffic jam. Traffic hasn’t moved an inch for twenty minutes and he’s running late for a meeting. He starts yelling, swearing, and banging his fists on the steering wheel. He wants so much to be in control that he just can’t tolerate the fact that he’s going to be late. These people should just get out of my way, he thinks. It’s ridiculous that there’s this much traffic in the middle of the afternoon.

Contrast that person with someone in the car next to him who turns on the radio and chooses to sing along to some of his favorite tunes while he waits. He figures, I’ll get there when I can. He uses his time and energy wisely because he knows he has no control over when traffic will start moving again. Instead, he tells himself, There are millions of cars on the road every day. Sometimes traffic jams are bound to happen.

Either of these people could choose to do something different in the future to avoid traffic. They could leave earlier, take a different route, use public transportation, check the traffic report ahead of time, or even start a movement to try and change the road systems. But, for now, they have the choice to accept that they’re stuck in a traffic jam or focus on the fact that they feel an injustice is being done.

Even though you might not like the situation you’re in, you can choose to accept it. You can accept that your boss is mean, that your mother doesn’t approve of you, or that your kids aren’t striving to be high achievers. That doesn’t mean you can’t work toward influencing them by changing your behavior, but it does mean you can stop trying to force them to be different.

GIVING UP CONTROL WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
At the age of eighteen, Terry Fox was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. Doctors amputated his leg but warned him that his survival rate was only 50 percent. They also made it clear that major advances had been made in cancer treatment over the past few years. Just two years previously, the survival rate for this type of cancer was only 15 percent.

Within three weeks of his surgery, Fox was walking with the help of a prosthetic limb. His doctors noted that his positive attitude most likely had something to do with his rapid recovery. He underwent sixteen months of chemotherapy and during that time, he met many other patients who were dying from cancer. By the time his treatment ended, he decided to spread the word about the need for more funding for cancer research.

On the night before he got his leg amputated, he’d read a story about a man who had run the New York City marathon with a prosthetic leg. The article inspired him to begin running as soon as he was physically able. He ran his first marathon in British Columbia, and though he finished in last place, he was met with a lot of support at the finish line.

After completing the marathon, Fox hatched a fund-raising plan. He decided to run across Canada by completing a marathon every single day. Initially, he hoped to earn a million dollars for charity, but he soon set his sights even higher. He wanted to raise one dollar for each person in Canada—a grand total of $24 million.

In April of 1980, he set out to run over twenty-six miles a day. As word of his trek began to spread, his support increased. Communities began holding large receptions to commemorate his arrival in their town. He was asked to give speeches, and the amount of money he raised increased.

Fox ran for an amazing 143 days straight. But his run came to an end one day when he couldn’t catch his breath and he began experiencing chest pain. He was taken to the hospital and doctors confirmed that his cancer had returned and spread to his lungs. After running over three thousand miles, he was forced to stop.

His journey had raised over $1.7 million by the time he was hospitalized. But as the news of his hospitalization circulated, he gained even more support. A five-hour telethon raised $10.5 million. Donations continued and by the next spring, Fox had raised over $23 million. Although he attempted a variety of treatments, his cancer continued to spread, and in June of 1981, Fox died from complications of his cancer.

Fox understood he couldn’t control every aspect of his health. He couldn’t stop people from getting cancer. He couldn’t even control the spread of the disease in his own body. Instead of focusing on those things, he chose to put his energy into the things he could control.

In his letter requesting support prior to his run, Fox made it clear he didn’t think his run would cure cancer, but he knew it would make a difference. “The running thing I can do, even if I have to crawl every last mile,” he said.

His choice to do something that seemed unimaginable gave him a purpose that continues today. Each year, countries all over the world participate in the Terry Fox run. Over $650 million has been raised in his honor.

When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to things you can control. Here are some of the benefits you’ll experience:

•    Increased happiness—The maximum level of happiness is achieved when people have a balanced locus of control. Coined as a “bi-local expectancy,” the people who understand that they can take a lot of steps to control their lives while also recognizing the limitations of their ability are happier than people who think they can control everything.

•    Better relationships—When you give up your need for control, you’ll likely experience better relationships. You’ll have fewer trust issues and you’ll welcome more people into your life. You may be more willing to ask for help, and other people are likely to view you as less critical. Research indicates that people who stop trying to control everything experience an increased sense of belonging and community.

•    Less stress—When you stop carrying around the weight of the world, you’ll feel less stressed. You may experience more short-term anxiety as you give up control, but over the long term, you’ll have a lot less stress and anxiety.

•    New opportunities—When you have a strong need to control things, you’ll be less likely to invite change into your life because there aren’t any guarantees of a positive outcome. When you choose to give up your need to control everything, you’ll have increased confidence in your ability to handle new opportunities.

•    More success—Although most people who want to control everything have a deep desire to be successful, having an internal locus of control can actually interfere with your chances of success. Research shows that it’s possible to become so focused on ensuring you’ll be successful, you could actually overlook opportunities that could help you advance. When you give up your desire to control everything, you’ll be more willing to look around and you may recognize good fortune that comes your way even if it isn’t directly related to your behavior.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
When you focus on what’s wrong with the world, without looking at how you can control your attitude and behavior, you’ll find yourself stuck. Instead of wasting energy trying to prevent a storm, focus on how you can prepare for it.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Delegating tasks and responsibilities to other people
Asking for help when you need it
Focusing on solving problems that are within your control
Keeping the emphasis on influencing others rather than controlling them
Thinking balanced thoughts about what is within your control and what isn’t
Not relying on yourself for the entire outcome
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Insisting on doing everything because no one else can do it right
Choosing to do everything on your own because you think you should be able to accomplish things without help
Spending time trying to figure out how to change things that are likely beyond your direct control
Trying to force other people to do what you think they should do, regardless of how they feel
Only thinking about what you can do to make things turn out the way you want
Taking full responsibility for the end result without acknowledging other factors that influence the outcome
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CHAPTER 5
THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT PLEASING EVERYONE
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.
—LAO TZU

Megan entered my therapy office looking for help because she was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. She said there weren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything she needed to do.

At age thirty-five, she was married and had two young children. She worked a part-time job, taught Sunday school, and was the Girl Scout troop leader. She strived to be a good wife and mother, but she felt like she just wasn’t doing a good enough job. She was often irritable and grumpy toward her family and she wasn’t sure why.

The more Megan talked, the clearer it became that she was a woman who couldn’t say no. Church members frequently called her on Saturday nights, asking her to bake muffins for Sunday morning’s church service. Parents of her Girl Scout troop sometimes relied on her to drive their children home if they were stuck at work.

Megan also frequently babysat for her sister’s kids, so her sister wouldn’t have to spend money on a sitter. She also had a cousin who sought favors and always seemed to have some sort of last-minute problem, ranging from being short on cash to needing help with a home improvement project. Lately, Megan had stopped answering her cousin’s phone calls because she knew that every time she called she needed something.

Megan said to me that her number one rule was to never say no to family. So each time her cousin asked for a favor or her sister asked her to babysit, she automatically said yes. When I asked her what impact that had on her husband and children, she told me that sometimes it meant she wasn’t home in time for dinner or to put the kids to bed. Just admitting that out loud helped Megan begin to realize why saying yes to extended family meant she was saying no to her immediate family. Although she valued her extended family, her husband and her children were her top priorities, and she decided she needed to start treating them accordingly.

We also reviewed her desire to be liked by everyone. Her biggest fear was that other people would think she was selfish. However, after a few therapy sessions she began to recognize that her need to always be liked was actually much more selfish than saying no to someone. Helping others really wasn’t about improving their lives; she was mostly giving of herself because she wanted to be held in higher regard. Once she changed the way she thought about people pleasing, she was able to begin changing her behavior.

It took some practice for Megan to begin saying no to people. In fact, she wasn’t even sure how to say no. She thought she needed an excuse but she didn’t want to lie. But I encouraged her to simply say something like “No, I’m not able to do that,” without providing a lengthy reason why. She began practicing saying no and she found that the more she did it, the easier it became. Although she had imagined people would become angry with her, she quickly noticed that they didn’t really seem to mind. The more time she spent with her family, the less irritable she felt. Her stress level also decreased and after saying no a few times, she felt less pressured to please others.

PEOPLE-PLEASING SIGNS
While in chapter 2 we discussed how giving away your power is about allowing people to control how you feel; people pleasing is about trying to control how other people feel. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

    You feel responsible for how other people feel.

    The thought of anyone being mad at you causes you to feel uncomfortable.

    You tend to be a “pushover.”

    You find it easier to agree with people rather than express a contrary opinion.

    You often apologize even when you don’t think you did anything wrong.

    You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

    You don’t usually tell people when you’re feeling offended or your feelings are hurt.

    You tend to say yes when people ask you for favors, even if you really don’t want to do something.

    You change your behavior based on what you think other people want.

    You put a lot of energy into trying to impress people.

    If you hosted a party and people didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves, you’d feel responsible.

    You seek praise and approval from people in your life often.

    When someone around you is upset, you take responsibility for trying to make him or her feel better.

    You would never want anyone to think you are selfish.

    You often feel overscheduled and overburdened by all the things you have to do.

Do any of those examples sound familiar? Attempts to be a “nice person” can backfire when your behavior crosses over into people pleasing. It can take a serious toll on all areas of your life and make it impossible to reach your goals. You can still be a kind and generous person without trying to please everyone.

WHY WE TRY TO PLEASE PEOPLE
Megan strived to develop a reputation as someone who could always meet other people’s needs. Her self-worth was fueled by the way other people seemed to perceive her. She went to such great lengths to make others happy because in her mind the alternatives—finding herself in the midst of conflict, feeling rejected, or losing relationships—were much worse than the emotional and physical exhaustion she felt.

FEAR

Conflict and confrontation can be uncomfortable. It’s usually not enjoyable to sit between squabbling coworkers in a meeting. And who wants to attend a family holiday gathering when their relatives are arguing? Fearing conflict, we tell ourselves, If I can make everyone happy, everything will be okay.

When a people pleaser sees a car approaching quickly, he may drive faster because he thinks, That guy is in a hurry. I don’t want to make him mad by going too slow. People pleasers may also fear rejection or abandonment. If I don’t make you happy, you won’t like me. They thrive on praise and reassurance from others, and if they’re not receiving enough positive reinforcement, they change their behavior to try and make people feel happy.

LEARNED BEHAVIOR

Sometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised by parents who were constantly bickering, you may have learned that conflict is bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments.

Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to be people pleasers because that was the best way to deal with a parent’s unpredictable behavior. In other cases, doing good deeds was the only way to get any attention.

Putting other people first can also become a way to feel needed and important. I’m worth something if I can make other people feel happy. So it becomes a habit to always invest energy into other people’s feelings and lives.

A lot of my clients will often tell me they need to behave like a doormat, because that’s what the Bible says they should do. But I’m pretty sure the Bible says to “treat your neighbor as yourself,” not better than yourself. Most spiritual guidance encourages us to be bold enough to live according to our values, even when doing so displeases some people.

THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE PLEASING
Megan’s desire to please others made her lose sight of her values. She wasn’t getting her needs met and it impacted her mood. She realized exactly how much her increased attempts to please others had affected her family when—after a few therapy sessions—her husband said to her, “I feel like I’ve got my old Megan back.”

YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AREN’T ALWAYS TRUE

Sally invites Jane to go shopping with her. The only reason Sally invites Jane is because Jane asked her out for coffee last week and Sally thinks it would be nice to reciprocate. However, Sally actually hopes Jane declines because she wants to make it a quick trip to the mall to pick out some shoes. She knows if Jane goes, she’ll likely want to shop for hours.

Jane actually doesn’t want to go shopping. She has some errands to run and a few household chores to finish up. But she doesn’t want to hurt Sally’s feelings. So when Sally invites her to the mall, she agrees to go.

Both of these women think they’re doing something that pleases the other person. However, they clearly have no idea what the other person wants. Their “attempts to be nice” are actually causing more of a nuisance to each other. But neither one has the courage to actually speak up and say what she really wants.

Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behavior proves we’re generous. But when you think about it, always trying to please people isn’t a selfless act. It’s actually quite self-centered. It assumes that everyone cares about your every move. It also assumes you think you have the power to control how other people feel.

If you’re constantly doing things to make others happy and you don’t think they are appreciative of your efforts, you’ll soon experience resentment. Thoughts such as I do so much for you, but you don’t do anything for me will creep in and ultimately hurt your relationships.

PEOPLE PLEASING DAMAGES RELATIONSHIPS

Angela didn’t try to please everyone in her life, just the men she dated. If she was on a date with a man who said he liked women with a sense of humor, she’d make a few extra jokes. If she was on a date with a man who said he liked spontaneous women, she’d tell him all about the last-minute trip to France she took last summer. If, however, another man said he liked smart women, she’d talk about that same trip to France but this time she’d say she went because she wanted to view fine art.

Angela did whatever she could to try to make herself appear more attractive to whomever she was dating. She felt that if she said enough things that were pleasing to her date, she’d get to go on a second date. She didn’t think about the long-term consequences of her ever-changing personality. Eventually, she wasn’t able to please anyone quite enough to stay with her for the long haul.

No respectable man wanted to date a shell of a woman who behaved like a puppet. In fact, a lot of her dates got annoyed fairly quickly by Angela because she constantly agreed with everything they said. Her attempts to say whatever they wanted to hear were usually pretty transparent.

Angela feared that if she disagreed with a date or held an opposing opinion, he would no longer be interested in her, which reveals her lack of trust. You won’t keep me around unless I do what you want, she thought. If you truly care about someone and you believe the person cares about you, you’d have to be willing to tell that individual the truth. You recognize that even if that person doesn’t like something you say or do, he or she can still enjoy your company.

It’s an impossible feat to always make everyone around you happy. Perhaps your father-in-law asks you to help him on a project. But if you leave to go help him, your spouse will get angry because you had already made plans to have lunch together. When faced with such a decision, people pleasers will often choose to risk not pleasing the person closest to them. They know that their spouse will eventually get over being offended. Unfortunately, this leaves the people you love the most feeling hurt or angry. Shouldn’t we do the opposite? Shouldn’t we work the hardest on the most intimate and special relationships?

Ever met someone who behaves like a martyr? Such individuals’ attempts to please others actually becomes a turnoff. They’re constantly saying things like “I do everything around here” or “If I don’t do it, no one will.” Martyrs risk becoming angry, bitter people, as their attempts to make others happy backfire.

Whether you’re guilty of thinking you’re a martyr, or you simply struggle to say no when you fear you’ll hurt someone’s feelings, there aren’t any guarantees people will like you just because you try to please them. Instead, they may simply start taking advantage of you without forming a deeper relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

PEOPLE PLEASERS LOSE SIGHT OF THEIR VALUES

Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent many years working with patients who were dying, cites people pleasing as one of the biggest regrets she heard her patients share on their deathbeds. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she explains how dying people often said they wished they had lived a more authentic life. Instead of dressing, acting, and speaking in a manner that was pleasing to others, they’d wished they’d been true to themselves.

There’s even research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology that shows people pleasers in a study tended to eat more when they thought it would make others around them happier. They were willing to sabotage their own health if they thought it would help the other people in the room even though they had no evidence that the people around them were even paying attention to what they were eating.

Pleasing people will hold you back from reaching your full potential. Although people pleasers want to be liked, they often don’t want to be the best at anything because they fear being held in too high regard could make other people feel bad. Someone may not get that promotion at work because he doesn’t feel comfortable taking credit for the work he’s done. Or a woman who gets approached by an attractive man may choose not to reciprocate friendly conversation because she doesn’t want to make her friend feel bad that he didn’t start talking to her first.

No matter what your values are, you’ll stop behaving according to them if you’re focused primarily on pleasing other people. You’ll quickly lose sight of doing what’s right and try only to do what makes other people happy. Just because it’s a popular choice doesn’t mean it’s the right choice.

AVOID PEOPLE PLEASING
Saying yes had become such a habit for Megan that she found herself agreeing to do things automatically.

So I helped her to develop a mantra where she repeated to herself, “Saying yes to others means saying no to my husband and kids.” She knew it was okay to say yes to some things without her husband and children being negatively affected. She just couldn’t say yes all the time or her mood and family would suffer.

DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO PLEASE

If you want to be successful at reaching your goals, you need to define your path, not just do what other people want you to do. Craigslist CEO Jim Buckmaster knows the importance of this firsthand.

Buckmaster became the CEO of Craigslist in 2000. While other websites were capitalizing on advertising, Craigslist wasn’t. In fact, Craigslist turned down a variety of revenue-generating opportunities. Instead, Buckmaster and the team decided to keep the website simple, and only charge users for a very few specific types of listings. The bulk of user-generated listings has remained a free service. In fact, the company doesn’t even have a marketing team.

Craigslist received a lot of backlash for this decision and Buckmaster has been the target of much criticism. He’s been accused of being anticapitalistic and even called a “social anarchist.” But Buckmaster didn’t try to please his critics. Instead, he continued running Craigslist the way it has always operated.

His willingness to go against the grain and prevent Craigslist from depending too heavily on advertisements has likely kept the business running. It survived the dot-com crash with ease and continues to be one of the most popular websites in the world. Craigslist has been estimated to be worth at least $5 billion. By not worrying about trying to please everyone, Buckmaster was able to keep the company focused on serving its purpose and reaching its audience.

Before you automatically change your behavior based on what you think other people want, evaluate your thoughts and feelings. When you second-guess whether you should express your opinion, remember these truths about people pleasing:

•    Worrying about trying to please everyone is a waste of time. You can’t control how other people feel and the more time you spend devoting your thoughts to wondering if people will be happy, the less time you’ll have to think about what really matters.

•    People pleasers are easily manipulated. Others can recognize a people pleaser a mile away. Manipulators often use tactics to prey on people pleasers’ emotions and control their behavior. Be on the lookout for people who say things like “I’m only asking you to do to this because you’d do the best job” or “I hate to ask you this, but . . .”

•    It’s okay for other people to feel angry or disappointed. There is no reason that people need to feel happy or pleased all the time. Everyone has the ability to cope with a wide array of feelings, and it’s not your job to prevent them from feeling negative emotions. Just because someone gets mad, it doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong.

•    You can’t please everyone. It’s impossible for everyone to be delighted by the same things. Accept that some people will just never be pleased, and it isn’t your job to make them happy.

CLARIFY YOUR VALUES

Imagine a single mother who works a full-time job at a factory. One day, when she wakes her son up for school, he says he doesn’t feel well. She checks his temperature and he has a slight fever. Clearly, he can’t go to school.

She has to decide what to do with him for the day. She doesn’t have any friends or family members who can stay with him. She could call in sick to her job, but she won’t get paid if she takes the day off. If she doesn’t get paid for the day, she’ll struggle to afford groceries for the week. She also worries that missing another day of work could put her job at risk. She’s already missed a lot of days due to the children being sick.

She decides to leave her son home alone for the day. She knows other people will likely have a negative opinion about her choice to leave a sick child home alone when he’s only ten years old. However, her values tell her it’s the right choice given her circumstances, regardless of how others may judge her. It’s not that she values her job more than her son. In fact, she values her family more than anything. But she knows that going to work is best for the greater good of her family in the long run.

When you’re faced with decisions in your life, it’s important to know exactly what your values are so you can make the best choices. Could you easily list your top five values off the top of your head? Most people can’t. But if you aren’t really clear on your values, how do you know where to put your energy, and how to make the best decisions? Taking time to clarify your values can be a very worthwhile exercise. Common values include:

•    Children

•    Romantic relationship

•    Extended family

•    Religious/Spiritual beliefs

•    Volunteering or helping other people

•    Career

•    Money

•    Maintaining good friendships

•    Taking care of your physical health

•    Having a sense of purpose

•    Leisure activities

•    Pleasing people

•    Education

Pick your top five values in life and rank them in order from most important to least important. Now stop and think about whether you are actually living according to those values. How much of your time, money, energy, and skill is devoted to each one? Are you putting too much effort into something that’s not even on your list?

Where on your list does pleasing people fall? It should never be at the top. Reviewing the order of your list from time to time can help you determine if your life is out of balance.

TAKE TIME TO DECIDE WHETHER TO SAY YES OR NO

In the case of Megan, she avoided her cousin because she knew she couldn’t say no if she was asked to do a favor. To help her say no, we developed a script. Whenever anyone asked her to do something, she responded by saying, “Let me see what I have going on and I’ll get back to you.” That bought her some time to really think about whether she wanted to do something. Then, she could ensure that if she said yes it was because she wanted to, not simply because she wanted to please others at her own expense.

If automatically saying yes has become a habit in your life, learn how to evaluate your decision before giving an answer. When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself these questions before responding:

•    Is this something I want to do? Most people pleasers don’t even know what they want because they’re so used to doing things automatically. Take a moment to evaluate your opinion.

•    What will I have to give up by doing this? If you do something for someone else, you’ll have to give something up. Maybe it’s time with your family or perhaps it will cost you money. Before making a decision, recognize what saying yes will mean for you.

•    What will I gain by doing this? Maybe it will give you an opportunity to improve your relationship, or maybe doing something like this will likely be something you enjoy. Think about the potential benefits of saying yes.

•    How will I feel if I do it? Are you likely to feel angry and resentful? Or will you feel happy and proud? Take some time to imagine how you’re likely to feel as you weigh your options.

Like Megan discovered, you don’t need to have an excuse about why you can’t do something. When you say no, you can say something such as “I wish I could but I’m not going to be able to do that” or “Sorry, but I won’t be able to.” If you’re not used to saying no, it can take some practice, but it gets easier with time.

PRACTICE BEHAVING ASSERTIVELY

Confrontation doesn’t have to be bad or scary. In fact, assertive discussions can actually be quite healthy and sharing your concerns can improve relationships. At one point, Megan confronted her cousin and told her that she felt like she had been taken advantage of in the past. Her cousin apologized, said she had no idea Megan ever felt like that and she wanted to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. Megan accepted some responsibility for her feelings and her behavior, since she didn’t speak up to say no when she was asked to do things she didn’t want to do. Megan and her cousin were able to repair their relationship instead of allowing it to dissolve.

Speak up if someone takes advantage of you and ask for what you need. You don’t have to be demanding or rude, but instead, remain respectful and polite. Express your feelings and stick to the facts. Use “I” statements, such as “I’m frustrated that you’re always thirty minutes late,” instead of “You’re never on time.”

I work with a lot of parents who can’t stand it when their children aren’t happy. They don’t want to tell their kids they can’t do something because they don’t want their kids to cry or accuse them of being mean. Whether it’s your children, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger, sometimes it feels uncomfortable to know someone is angry at you if you’re not used to speaking up for yourself. But with practice, that discomfort becomes easier to tolerate and behaving assertively is easier to do.

ACCEPTING THAT YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE MAKES YOU STRONGER
Mose Gingerich struggled with a decision that most of us can’t imagine ever having to make. He was raised in an Amish community in Wisconsin where his days were spent plowing the fields and milking the cows by hand. But Mose wasn’t convinced he wanted to remain Amish. In a community where questions were discouraged, Mose questioned everything he’d been taught about God and the Amish way of life.

He spent years wrestling with the idea of leaving the Amish community. The Amish way of life was all he’d ever known. To permanently leave, he’d never again be allowed contact with anyone in the Amish community, including his mother and his siblings. Besides, stepping into the “English world” would be like entering a foreign land. Mose had never been allowed to use modern-day conveniences, like computers, or even electricity. How could he possibly make it on his own in the outside world that he didn’t know much about?

Entering a relatively unknown world wasn’t the scariest part for Mose. Instead, he was most terrified that he’d go to hell. He’d always been warned that the Amish God was the only God, and to leave the Amish meant he’d be leaving God. The Amish elders told him that there was no hope for people in the outside world. Individuals who left the Amish, but tried to remain Christians, were only playing with fire.

Mose temporarily left his Amish community a couple of times during his teenage and young adult years. He traveled around the country and learned about other Amish cultures and got a taste of the outside world. His explorations helped him to develop his own view of the world and of God. And ultimately, he decided his views weren’t in line with the Amish community’s beliefs. So Mose decided to leave his Amish life behind once and for all.

Mose created a new life for himself in Missouri, where he’s experienced a variety of adventures ranging from opening his own construction business to starring in reality TV shows. He’s had to make his own way without any help from his family, because they, and all the other people in his former community, no longer speak to him. Mose sometimes mentors other ex-Amish young people as they struggle to integrate into the “English world” since Mose knows firsthand that finding a job, getting a driver’s license, and developing an understanding of cultural norms can be difficult without support.

I had an opportunity to ask him how he made that decision and he told me that by confronting his own beliefs, he realized that “this world is what one makes of it, and that one makes what one chooses. And that those choices were mine. So I chose to leave, and I threw my lot in with the modern world. And every day that I wake up next to my wife, my two girls, and my stepson, I thank God that I did.”

If Mose had focused on trying to please everyone, he’d still be living in the Amish community, even though he knew it wasn’t right for him. But Mose was strong enough to step away from everything he’d ever been taught, and everyone he’d ever known, to do what he felt was the right choice for him. He’s satisfied with the life that he’s built for himself, and he’s secure enough in who he is to tolerate the disapproval from the entire Amish community.

Your words and your behavior must be in line with your beliefs before you can begin to enjoy a truly authentic life. When you stop worrying about pleasing everyone and, instead, are willing to be bold enough to live according to your own values, you’ll experience many benefits:

•    Your self-confidence will soar. The more you’re able to see that you don’t have to make people happy, the more independence and confidence you’ll gain. You’ll feel content with the decisions you make, even when other people disagree with your actions, because you’ll know you made the right choice.

•    You’ll have more time and energy to devote to your goals. Instead of wasting energy trying to become the person you think others want you to be, you’ll have time and energy to work on yourself. When you channel that effort toward your goals, you’ll be much more likely to be successful.

•    You’ll feel less stressed. When you set limits and healthy boundaries, you’ll experience a lot less stress and irritation. You’ll feel like you have more control over your life.

•    You’ll establish healthier relationships. Other people will develop more respect for you when you behave in an assertive manner. Your communication will improve and you’ll be able to prevent yourself from building a lot of anger and resentment toward people.

•    You’ll have increased willpower. An interesting 2008 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology showed that people have much more willpower when they’re making choices on their own accord rather than out of an attempt to please someone else. If you’re only doing something to make someone else happy, you’ll struggle to reach your goal. You’ll be motivated to keep up the good work if you’re convinced it’s the best choice for you.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
There may be certain areas of your life where it’s easy to behave according to your values, and there may be other areas where you find yourself worrying about pleasing people. Be aware of the warning signs and work on trying to live a life that lines up with your beliefs, not one that will make the most people happy.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Identifying your values and behaving according to them
Being aware of your emotions before deciding whether to say yes to someone’s request
Saying no when you don’t want to do something
Practicing tolerating uncomfortable emotions associated with conflict and confrontation
Behaving assertively even when speaking up may not be well received
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Losing sight of who you are and what your values are
Only considering someone else’s feelings without thinking about your emotions
Automatically accepting an invitation without considering whether it’s a good choice
Agreeing with people and complying with requests to avoid confrontation
Going along with the crowd or refusing to express any opinions that may go against what the majority of people think
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CHAPTER 6
THEY DON’T FEAR TAKING CALCULATED RISKS
Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Dale had worked as a high school shop teacher for almost thirty years and although he liked his job, he just wasn’t all that passionate about it anymore. He dreamed about the flexibility, freedom, and money he could gain from opening his own furniture store. But when he’d shared that idea with his wife, she’d rolled her eyes and referred to him as a dreamer.

The more Dale thought about it, the more he believed his wife was probably right. But he didn’t want to keep teaching shop class. Partially because he was bored with teaching and partially because he knew he was burned out. He felt like he wasn’t as effective at teaching as he used to be. He didn’t think it was fair to his students for him to keep teaching indefinitely.

The dream of opening his own business certainly wasn’t the first big idea Dale had ever had. He’d once dreamed of living on a sailboat. During another phase of his life, he’d wanted to open a bed-and-breakfast in Hawaii. He’d never attempted to follow through with any of his ideas because he always felt like he should focus on providing for his family. Although his children were now grown, and he and his wife were doing okay financially, he figured he should just keep working at his teaching job until he reached retirement age.

As Dale trudged on as a shop teacher, he struggled with his mood. He felt defeated and became depressed, something that he hadn’t experienced before. He sought counseling, because he felt like there must be something wrong since for the first time in his career, he really wasn’t enjoying his job.

Although Dale told me he agreed with his wife that he shouldn’t venture into becoming an entrepreneur, it was clear that deep down he was still excited by the prospect. At the mere mention of opening his own furniture business, his face lit up, his body language changed, and his entire mood shifted.

We discussed his past experiences with taking risks. He said that years ago, he had invested in real estate and lost a lot of money. Ever since then he was scared to take any type of financial risk. After a few therapy sessions, Dale confessed that he’d still love to start a business, but he was terrified at the thought of giving up a stable job. He was confident in his woodworking skills but lacked business knowledge. We began discussing steps he could take to educate himself about the business world. Dale said he’d welcome the opportunity to take business classes at the local community college. He also said he’d be happy to join a local business networking group and would even look for a mentor to help him get started. With a few ideas in mind about how he still may be able to keep his dream alive, Dale continued weighing the pros and cons of opening his own business.

Within a few weeks, Dale made a decision—he would open his business on a part-time basis. He planned to start making furniture on nights and weekends in his garage. He already had much of what he would need to get the business started, but he would need to invest a little money for new materials. Overall, he felt confident he could start the business with relatively little investment cost. Initially he wouldn’t have a storefront—he’d sell his furniture online and through the newspaper. If there was a lot of interest in his furniture, he’d consider opening a storefront at a later date, and perhaps he’d even be able to quit his job as a teacher altogether.

Dale’s mood showed marked improvement as soon as he began thinking about turning his dream into a reality. After a few more therapy sessions, Dale appeared to continue doing better as he worked toward his goals. We scheduled one further appointment a month down the road just to make sure his mood remained stable. When he returned, he told me something quite interesting—not only had he started to make furniture for his business, but he was actually enjoying teaching shop class more than he ever had before. He said that the prospect of opening his own business seemed to spark his passion for teaching shop again. He planned to continue building furniture part-time but was no longer convinced he wanted to quit teaching. Instead, he was excited to teach his students the new things he was learning from his furniture business.

RISK AVERSION
We face many risks in our lives—financial, physical, emotional, social, and business risks to name a few, but often people avoid taking the risks that could help them reach their full potential because they’re afraid. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

    You struggle to make important decisions in your life.

    You spend a lot of time daydreaming about what you’d like to do, but you don’t take any action.

    Sometimes you impulsively make a decision because thinking about the decision is just too anxiety provoking.

    You often think you could be doing a lot more adventurous and exciting things in life, but your fear holds you back.

    When you think about taking a risk, you usually only imagine the worst-case scenario and choose not to take the chance.

    You sometimes allow other people to make decisions for you so you don’t have to make them.

    You avoid risks in at least some areas of your life—social, financial, or physical—because you’re afraid.

    You base decisions on your level of fear. If you’re a little afraid, you might do something. But, if you feel really afraid, you decide taking the risk is unwise.

    You think that outcomes are largely dependent on luck.

A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear. And fearing risk often leads to avoidance. But there are steps you can take to increase your ability to calculate risk accurately, and with practice, your risk-taking skills can improve.

WHY WE AVOID RISKS
When Dale pictured himself opening a business, he was reminded of the last time he took a financial risk and it didn’t work out for him. His thoughts about taking another risk were immensely negative. He imagined himself becoming bankrupt or risking his entire retirement to open a business that would fail. His exaggeratedly negative thoughts led to fear and anxiety that prevented him from taking action. It never occurred to him to find ways to decrease his risk and increase his chances of success.

EMOTION PREVAILS OVER LOGIC

Even when our emotions lack any type of rational basis, we sometimes allow those feelings to prevail. Instead of thinking about “what could be . . .” we focus on “what if.” But risks don’t have to be reckless.

My yellow Lab, Jet, is a pretty emotional guy. The way he feels completely dictates his behavior. And for some reason, he is terrified of some pretty strange things. For example, he’s scared of most types of flooring. He loves to walk around on carpet, but try to convince him to walk across linoleum, and you’ll likely be out of luck. He’s convinced himself that most floors are slippery and he’s terrified he might fall.

Similar to how people often manage their anxiety, Jet created rules to manage his fears. He can walk across the hardwood flooring in my living room without a problem. But he won’t set foot on the tile in the hallway. He used to stand at the end of the hallway and whine for hours because he wanted to visit me in the office but didn’t want to risk stepping on the tile. I had hoped he’d ultimately decide visiting me was worth the risk, but he didn’t. Eventually, I created a path of throw rugs and now he carefully steps from rug to rug to avoid walking on the floor.

He has rules about other houses that he occasionally visits. When he goes to Lincoln’s mother’s house, which also has tile, he proceeds to the living room by walking backward. In his canine mind, apparently it makes sense to back up, just not walk forward on her tile.

My dad took care of Jet once while we were out of town and he sat on the welcome mat just inside the door for the entire weekend. Sometimes Jet won’t even enter certain buildings and has to be carried because he won’t set foot on the linoleum. It’s not a small feat to carry an eighty-pound dog into the vet’s office, so sometimes we bring our own throw rugs to create a path for him.

Jet’s fear usually outweighs his desire to risk walking on certain floors, but there is an exception to the rule—when there’s cat food at stake, he’s willing to take the risk. Jet had never actually entered the kitchen before because of the tile floor. But as soon as he figured out there was an unattended cat food dish, his excitement outweighed his fear.

Almost every day when he thinks we’re not watching, Jet slowly puts one paw into the kitchen. Soon, he’ll put two paws on the floor and stretch as far into the kitchen as he can. Eventually, he’ll get three paws on the floor. With one last paw still on the carpet, he’ll stretch as far as he can reach into the kitchen, and sometimes he manages to make it all the way to the cat food dish with all four paws safely on the tile.

I don’t know how Jet draws conclusions about which floors are “safe” and which are “scary” simply by looking at them. Despite the lack of logic involved, it apparently makes sense to Jet.

Although it sounds ridiculous, humans often calculate risk in much the same way. We base our decisions on emotion instead of logic. We incorrectly assume there’s a direct correlation between our fear level and the risk level. But often, our emotions are just not rational. If we truly understood how to calculate risk, we’d know which risks were worth taking and we’d be a lot less fearful about taking them.

WE DON’T THINK ABOUT RISKS

To calculate risk, we must predict the probability that the outcome of our behavior will result in either positive or negative consequences and then measure how big of an impact those consequences will have. Too often a risk evokes such a fear that we decide not to think about it or its consequences at all. And without understanding the potential outcomes of taking a risk, we usually end up avoiding risky ideas or dreams altogether.

Risk starts out as a thought process. Whether you’re considering purchasing a new home, or you’re deciding whether to put on your seat belt, the decision involves some level of risk. Your thoughts about the risk will influence the way you feel, and ultimately, sway your behavior. When you’re driving your car, you decide how fast to go. You face safety and legal risks while driving on the road, and you must balance these risks with your time. The faster you drive, the less time you have to spend in the car, but driving faster will also increase your risk of getting in an accident and receiving legal consequences.

It’s unlikely you spend much time thinking about how fast to drive on your way to work each day. Instead your decision to obey the law or break the speed limit weighs heavily on your usual routine. But if you’re running late one day, you’ll need to decide whether to drive faster and risk more physical and legal danger or risk being late for work.

The truth is, most of us don’t really invest much time calculating which risks to take and which risks to avoid. Instead, we base our decisions on emotions or habit. If it sounds too scary, we avoid the risk. If we’re excited about the possible benefits, we’re more likely to overlook the risk.

THE PROBLEM WITH FEARING RISK
Once Dale’s children had all graduated from college, he wanted to do more exciting things with his life. When he thought about opening a business, however, he felt like he’d be jumping off a cliff without a safety harness. What Dale didn’t calculate was the emotional toll that avoiding risk was having on him. Not following his dream affected his mood because it changed the way he thought about himself and the way he felt about his teaching job.

YOU DON’T GET TO BE EXTRAORDINARY WITHOUT TAKING CALCULATED RISKS

Othmar Ammann was a Swiss-born engineer who immigrated to the United States. He started out as the chief engineer to the Port Authority of New York and within seven years, they promoted him to director of engineering. By all accounts, he had an important job.

But for as long as he could remember, Ammann had dreamed of becoming an architect. So he left his coveted job and set out to open his own business. In the years that followed, Ammann contributed to some of the most impressive American bridges, including the Verrazano-Narrows, the Delaware Memorial, and the Walt Whitman. His ability to design and create ornate, complicated, and extravagant structures earned him multiple awards.

Most impressive of all might be that Ammann was sixty years old when he switched careers. He continued to create architectural masterpieces right up until he was eighty-six. At an age when most people don’t want to take any more risks, Ammann chose to take a calculated risk that allowed him to live his dream. If we only take risks that make us the most comfortable, we’re likely missing out on some great opportunities. Taking calculated risks often mean the difference between living a mediocre life and living an extraordinary life.

EMOTION INTERFERES WITH MAKING LOGICAL CHOICES

You should have some fear about stepping into traffic. That fear reminds you that you should look both ways before you cross the road, so you can reduce the risk that you’ll get hit by a car. If you didn’t have any fear, you’d likely behave recklessly.

But our “fear meters” aren’t always reliable. They sometimes go off even when we’re not in any actual danger. And when we feel afraid, we tend to behave accordingly, falsely believing “If it feels scary, it must be too risky.”

For years, we’ve been warned against the dangers of anything from killer bees to mad cow disease. It seems like we’re constantly hearing various statistics, research studies, and warnings about so many perils that it becomes difficult to decipher the extent of danger we actually face in our lives. Take the research about cancer, for example. Some studies estimate cancer accounts for nearly one of every four deaths and other reports warn that within a few years about half of us will have cancer. Although those types of statistics can be a cause for alarm, they can often be misleading. A closer look at the numbers reveals a young healthy person who maintains a healthy lifestyle has a relatively low risk of developing cancer compared to an older, overweight person who smokes. But sometimes it’s hard to put our personal level of risk into perspective when we’re constantly bombarded with such frightening statistics.

Manufacturers of cleaning solutions have worked hard to convince us we need powerful chemicals, hand sanitizers, and antibacterial soaps to protect ourselves from germs. Media stories warn us that our kitchen countertops have more germs than our toilet seats as we’re given visual reminders of how fast bacteria grows in a petri dish. Germaphobic people heed these warnings by taking drastic precautions to combat the risk of coming into contact with germs. They sanitize their homes daily with caustic chemicals, scrub their hands repeatedly with antibacterial products, and replace handshakes with fist bumps to reduce the spread of germs. But attempts to win the war on germs may actually do more harm than good. In fact, there’s research that shows getting rid of too many germs reduces our ability to build immunity from illness. A study from Johns Hopkins Children’s Center found that newborns who were exposed to germs, pet and rodent dander, and roach allergens were less likely to develop asthma and allergies. Fear leads many people to incorrectly assume that germs pose a much higher risk than they actually do, because in the reality, bacteria-free environments may pose a greater threat to our health than the germs.

It’s important to be aware of your emotions throughout the decision-making process. If you’re feeling sad, you’re likely to anticipate failure and avoid the risk. If you’re feeling happy, you may disregard the risk and forge ahead. There’s even research that shows that fear of something completely unrelated to the risk can influence your decision. If you’re stressed about your job, and you’re also considering purchasing a new home, you’ll be more likely to view that home purchase as a bigger risk than if you weren’t feeling stressed at work. Often, we’re not good at separating what factors are influencing our feelings so we lump them all together.

CALCULATE RISKS AND REDUCE FEAR
It had never before occurred to Dale that he didn’t have to dive into a business headfirst. Once he began identifying ways to reduce the chances that he’d go bankrupt, he felt relieved and was able to think more logically about how he could turn his business into a reality. Clearly, there was a chance that he may not ever earn back the money he invested in starting the business, but after thinking it through, that was a calculated risk he was willing to accept.

BALANCE EMOTION WITH LOGIC

Don’t get fooled into thinking that your anxiety level should be the factor that helps you make the final decision about risk. Your feelings may be very unreliable. The more emotional you feel, the less logical your thoughts will be. Increase your rational thoughts about the risk you’re facing to balance out your emotional reaction.

Many people are terrified to fly in airplanes. Often, this fear stems from a lack of control. The pilot is in control, not the passengers, and this lack of control instills fear. Many potential passengers are so afraid they choose to drive great distances to get to a destination instead of flying. But their decision to drive is based solely on emotion, not logic. Logic says that statistically, the odds of dying in a car crash are around 1 in 5,000, while the odds of dying in a plane crash are closer to 1 in 11 million.

If you’re going to take a risk, especially one that could possibly involve your well-being, wouldn’t you want the odds in your favor? However, most people choose the option that will cause them the least amount of anxiety. Pay attention to the thoughts you have about taking the risk and make sure you’re basing your decision on facts, not just feelings.

Most of the research shows that we are pretty bad at accurately calculating risk. Frighteningly, many of our major life decisions are based on complete irrationality:

•    We incorrectly judge how much control we have over a situation. We’re usually more willing to take bigger risks when we think we have more control. Most people feel more comfortable when they’re in the driver’s seat of a car for example, but just because you’re in the driver’s seat doesn’t mean you can avoid an accident.

•    We overcompensate when safeguards are in place. We behave more recklessly when we think there are safety nets in place, and ultimately, we increase our risk. People tend to speed more when they wear their seat belts. And insurance companies discovered that increased safety features on cars actually correlated with higher accident rates.

•    We don’t recognize the difference between skill and chance. Casinos have discovered that when gamblers play craps, they roll the dice differently depending on what type of number they need to win. When they want to roll a high number, they throw the dice hard. When they want a small number, they roll the dice softly. Even though it’s a game of chance, people behave as if it involves some level of skill.

•    We are influenced by our superstitious beliefs. Whether a business leader wears his lucky socks or a person reads his horoscope before leaving the house, superstitions impact our willingness to take risks. On average, ten thousand fewer people fly on Friday the thirteenth, and black cats are less likely to get adopted from a shelter on that day. Although research shows most people think crossing their fingers increases their luck, in reality, it does nothing to mitigate risk.

•    We become easily deluded when we see a potentially large payoff. Even when the odds are stacked against you, if you really like the potential payoff, like in the lottery for example, you’ll likely overestimate your odds of success.

•    We grow comfortable with familiarity. The more often we take a risk, the more we tend to miscalculate how big of a risk we’re actually taking. If you take the same risk over and over again, you’ll stop perceiving it as risky. If you speed on your way to work every day, you’ll greatly underestimate the danger you’re putting yourself in.

•    We place a lot of faith in other people’s abilities to perceive risk accurately. Emotions can be contagious. If you’re in a crowd of people who don’t react to the smell of smoke, it’s likely you might not sense much danger. In contrast, if other people begin to panic, you’re much more likely to react.

•    We can be influenced by the media in how we perceive risk. If you are constantly exposed to news stories about a rare disease, you’re more likely to think your chances of contracting the disease are higher, even if all the news stories are only reporting on isolated incidents. Similarly, stories about natural disasters or tragic events can cause you to feel you are at a greater risk of catastrophe than you actually are.

MINIMIZE RISK MAXIMIZE SUCCESS

Every year at my high school’s graduation ceremony the valedictorian was expected to give a speech. Halfway through my senior year, when I learned I was going to be the valedictorian, my fear of giving a speech outweighed my excitement about having the highest GPA in my class. I was incredibly shy, to the point that I usually didn’t speak in class, even though my classmates were people I’d known since kindergarten. The thought of standing at a podium and giving a speech in front of a packed auditorium was enough to make me weak in the knees.

When I tried writing my speech, I had no words to put down on the paper. I was too distracted by the thought of having to speak the words in front of a crowd of people. But I knew I had to get something together, because the clock was ticking.

And common advice like “Picture the audience in their underwear” or “Practice reading your speech in front of a mirror” wasn’t going to be enough to calm my nerves. I was terrified.

So I spent some time thinking about what my biggest fear with public speaking actually was. And it turns out, I was afraid of the audience’s rejection. I kept imagining that after I had finished my speech, the audience would remain completely silent, because whatever I had just mumbled was either completely inaudible or so horribly presented that no one could muster a clap. So, to mitigate my risk, I had a conversation with my best friends and they helped me devise a brilliant plan.

The plan reduced my risk and nerves enough that I was able to write my speech. A few weeks later, on graduation day, I was feeling incredibly nervous as I stood at the podium. My voice cracked the entire time, as I offered whatever advice an eighteen-year-old could possibly offer her fellow classmates. But I got through it. And when I was done, my friends followed through with our plan. On cue, they stood up and cheered like they’d just witnessed the best rock concert in the world. And what happens when a few people in a room stand up to applaud? Other people follow suit. I received a standing ovation.

Was it earned? Maybe. Probably not. And to this day, that part doesn’t really matter to me. The point was, I knew if I could get rid of my biggest fear—that no one would clap for me—I could get through the speech.

The level of risk you’ll experience in a given situation is unique to you. While speaking in front of a group is a risk to some people, it’s not risky at all to others. Ask yourself the following questions to help you calculate your risk level:

•    What are the potential costs? Sometimes the cost of taking a risk is tangible—like the money you might spend on an investment—but other times, intangible costs are associated with risk, like the risk of being rejected.

•    What are the potential benefits? Consider the potential positive outcome of taking the risk. Look at what would happen if the risk turns out well. Do you stand to gain increased finances? Better relationships? Improved health? There needs to be a big enough payoff to outweigh the potential costs.

•    How will this help me achieve my goal? It is important to examine your bigger goals and look at how this risk plays into that goal. For example, if you are hoping to gain more money, look at how opening your own business could help you with that goal as you examine your risk.

•    What are the alternatives? Sometimes we look at risk as if we only have two choices—take the risk or pass it up. But, often, there are many different types of opportunities that can help you reach your goals. It’s important to recognize those alternatives that may lie in between so you can make the most well-informed decision.

•    How good would it be if the best-case scenario came true? Spend some time really thinking about the payoff in a risk and how that payoff could impact your life. Try to develop realistic expectations for how the best-case scenario could benefit you.

•    What is the worst thing that could happen and how could I reduce the risk it will occur? It’s also important to really examine the worst-possible scenario and then think about steps you could take to minimize the risk that it would happen. For example, if you are considering investing in a business, how could you increase your chance for success?

•    How bad would it be if the worst-case scenario did come true? Just like hospitals, cities, and governments have disaster-preparedness plans, it can be helpful to create your own. Develop a plan for how you could respond if the worst-case scenario did occur.

•    How much will this decision matter in five years? To help you keep things in perspective, ask yourself how much this particular risk is likely to impact your future. If it’s a small risk, you probably won’t even remember it a few years from now. If it’s a big risk, it could greatly impact your future.

It can be helpful to write down your answers so you can review them and read them over. Be willing to do more research and gain as much information as possible when you don’t have the facts available to help you calculate a risk properly. When the information is not available, resolve to make the best decision you can with the information you have.

PRACTICE TAKING RISKS

Prior to his death in 2007, Psychology Today named Albert Ellis the “greatest living psychologist.” Ellis was known for teaching people how to challenge their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. He didn’t just teach these principles, he also lived them.

As a young man, Ellis was incredibly shy and he feared talking to women. He was terrified of getting rejected, so he avoided ever asking a woman out on a date. But, ultimately, he knew that rejection wasn’t the worst thing in the world and decided to face his fears.

He went to a local botanical garden every day for a month. Whenever he saw a woman sitting by herself on a bench, he sat next to her. He forced himself to start up a conversation within one minute of sitting down. In that month, he found 130 opportunities to speak with women and of those 130, 30 women got up and walked away as soon as he sat down. But he started conversations with the rest. Out of the 100 women he invited on a date, one said yes—however, she didn’t show up. But Ellis didn’t despair. Instead, it reinforced to him that he could tolerate taking risks even when he feared rejection.

By facing his fears, Ellis recognized his irrational thoughts that had made him more fearful of taking risks. Understanding how these thoughts influenced his feelings helped him later develop new therapy techniques that would help other people challenge their irrational thinking.

Like Ellis, monitor the outcome of the risks that you take. Take notice of how you felt before, during, and after taking a risk. Ask yourself what you learned and how you can apply that knowledge to future decisions.

TAKING CALCULATED RISKS MAKES YOU STRONGER
Richard Branson, founder of the United Kingdom–based Virgin Group, is known for taking risks. After all, you don’t get to own four hundred companies without taking some leaps along the way. But he’s taken calculated risks that have certainly paid off for him.

As a child, Branson struggled in school. He had dyslexia and his academic performance suffered. But he didn’t let that hold him back. Instead, as a young teen he started business ventures. At the age of fifteen, he began a bird-breeding business.

His business pursuits quickly grew as he went on to own record companies, airlines, and mobile phone companies. His empire has expanded to a current net worth estimated to be around $5 billion. Although he could easily sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor, Branson loves to continue challenging himself and his employees every day.

“At Virgin, I use two techniques to free our team from the same old routine: breaking records and making bets,” Branson wrote in an article for Entrepreneur magazine. “Taking chances is a great way to test myself and our group, and also push boundaries while having fun together.” And push boundaries he does. His teams create products that people say won’t work. They break records that people claim are impossible. And they accept challenges that no one else attempts. But through it all, Branson acknowledges his risks are “strategic judgments, not blind gambles.”

Success won’t find you. You have to pursue it. Stepping into the unknown to take carefully calculated risks can help you reach your dreams and fulfill your goals.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Monitor the type of risks you’re taking and how you feel about those risks. Also, take note about which opportunities you are passing up. This can help ensure that you are taking the risks that could benefit you the most, even the kind that cause some anxiety. Remember that calculating risks takes practice, but with practice, you can learn and grow.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Being aware of emotional reactions to risk taking
Identifying types of risks that are particularly challenging
Recognizing irrational thoughts that influence your decision making
Educating yourself about the facts
Spending time calculating each risk before making a decision
Practicing taking risks and monitoring the results so you can learn from each risk you take
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Basing your decisions about risk on how you feel
Avoiding the types of risk that stir up the most fear
Allowing irrational thoughts to influence your willingness to try something new
Ignoring the facts or not making an effort to learn more when you lack the information you need to make the best choice
Reacting impulsively without taking time to weigh the risk
Refusing to take risks that cause you discomfort
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CHAPTER 7
THEY DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST
We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.
—MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Gloria was a hardworking fifty-five-year-old woman who had been referred to counseling after telling her doctor that she was feeling extremely stressed. Her twenty-eight-year-old daughter had recently moved back in with her again. Since moving out of Gloria’s home at eighteen she’d been back at least a dozen times. She’d usually find a new boyfriend and within weeks, if not days, of meeting him, she’d move in with him. But it never worked out and she’d always move back in with Gloria.

Gloria’s daughter was unemployed and she wasn’t actively looking for work. She spent her days watching TV and surfing the Internet. She couldn’t be bothered to help out around the house, or even clean up after herself. Although Gloria said she felt like she was offering hotel and maid services, she always welcomed her daughter to stay with her.

She thought giving her daughter a place to stay was the least she could do. She hadn’t given her daughter the childhood she most likely deserved, and she admitted she hadn’t been a very good mother. After she and her husband divorced, Gloria had dated a lot of men, and many of them weren’t healthy role models. Gloria now understood she’d invested too much energy into drinking and dating rather than parenting. And she felt like the mistakes she made were the reason her daughter was struggling so much now. It was clear from the start that Gloria’s shame over the way she’d parented led her to enable her daughter now that she was an adult. The majority of Gloria’s stress stemmed from her anxiety over her daughter’s immature behavior. She worried about her daughter’s future and she wanted her to be able to have a job and live independently.

The more we talked, the more Gloria recognized that her shame and guilt were interfering with her ability to be a good parent now. She had to forgive herself and stop dwelling on the past if she wanted to move forward and do what was best for her daughter. When I asked her to consider the likelihood that her daughter would simply wake up one day and start behaving responsibly given the current conditions, Gloria acknowledged that wasn’t going to happen but she wasn’t sure what to do.

Over the next few weeks, we explored how Gloria viewed the past. Whenever she thought about her daughter’s childhood, she’d think things like I am such a bad person for not always putting my daughter’s needs first or It’s my fault my daughter has so many problems. We explored her thoughts, and slowly but surely, Gloria learned how her self-condemnation influenced the way she treated her daughter in the present.

Gradually, Gloria began to accept the reality that while she wasn’t an idyllic mother, punishing herself for that today would not change the past. She also began to recognize that her current behavior toward her daughter wasn’t making amends but instead enabling her daughter’s self-destructive behavior.

Armed with her new attitude, Gloria created some rules and set limits with her daughter. She told her that she could only remain living in her home if she were actively looking for work. She was willing to give her some time to get back on her feet, but starting in two months, she’d need to pay rent if she were going to continue living at home. Although her daughter was initially upset with Gloria’s new rules, she began looking for work within a few days.

Within a few weeks Gloria entered my office to proudly announce that her daughter had a job and unlike some of the other jobs she’d had before, this one could become a career. She said she’d seen huge changes in her daughter since she was offered this job and she was talking a lot more about her future aspirations. Although Gloria hadn’t yet completely forgiven herself for the past, she recognized that the only thing worse than being a bad parent for eighteen years would be to be a bad parent for another eighteen years.

STUCK IN HISTORY
Sometimes people dwell on the things that happened years ago, while others tend to dwell on whatever happened last week. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

    You wish you could press the rewind button so you could redo portions of your life.

    You struggle with major regrets about your past.

    You spend a lot of time wondering how life would have turned out if only you had chosen a slightly different path.

    You sometimes feel like the best days of your life are already behind you.

    You replay past memories in your mind like a scene from a movie over and over again.

    You sometimes imagine saying or doing something differently in past memories to try and create a different outcome.

    You punish yourself or convince yourself you don’t deserve to be happy.

    You feel ashamed of your past.

    When you make a mistake or experience an embarrassing episode, you keep repeatedly replaying the event in your mind.

    You invest a lot of time in thinking about all the things you “should have” or “could have” done differently.

Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing you from enjoying the present and planning for the future. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the past. You can choose to start living in the moment.

WHY WE DWELL ON THE PAST
Gloria’s daughter often manipulated her mother by preying on her guilt, reminding Gloria that she wasn’t always there for her as a child, which only fueled Gloria’s remorse. If her daughter hadn’t yet forgiven her, how could Gloria possibly forgive herself? She accepted her feelings of constant guilt as part of her penance for the mistakes she’d made, and as a result she continued to dwell on the past.

Lingering guilt, shame, and anger are just a few of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past. You might subconsciously think, If I stay miserable long enough, I’ll eventually be able to forgive myself. You may not even be aware that deep down, you don’t believe you deserve happiness.

THE FEAR OF MOVING FORWARD MAKES US WANT TO STAY STUCK IN THE PAST

Two weeks after my mother passed away, my dad’s house caught on fire. The fire was contained to the basement, but smoke and black soot permeated throughout the house. Everything in the entire house had to be cleaned from top to bottom by a crew hired by the insurance company. All my mother’s belongings were handled by complete strangers. And it bothered me.

I had wanted things to stay just the way my mother had left them. I wanted her clothes to stay hung in the closet the same way she had arranged them. I wanted her Christmas decorations to stay in the boxes in the same way she’d organized them. I wanted to someday—way down the road—open her jewelry box and see how she had last placed her jewelry. But we didn’t have that luxury. Instead, everything got rearranged. Her clothes no longer smelled like her. I had no way of even knowing what the last book was that she was reading. And we’d never be able to sort through her belongings at our own pace.

A few years later when Lincoln died, I again wanted everything to stay frozen in time. I felt like if I studied the way he kept his clothing hung in the closet, or if I could figure out which order he’d read his books in, I’d be able to learn more about him, even though he was gone. I thought that if things got moved around, thrown out, or reorganized, I’d lose my opportunity to study valuable clues that could give me more insight and information about him.

It was as if I could keep him with me if I made sure there were always more things to learn. Maybe a scrap of paper would have a note on it. Or maybe I’d find a picture I’d never seen before. I wanted to somehow create new memories that included Lincoln, even though he wasn’t there. Although we’d been together for six years, it just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t ready to let go of anything that reminded me of him. I thought I’d be leaving him behind if I got rid of his belongings that I no longer needed, and I didn’t want that.

My attempts to keep everything frozen in time didn’t work. Obviously, the rest of the world kept going. And over the course of many months, I was able to begin to let go of my desire to keep everything as if it were in a time capsule. Slowly, I would reassure myself that it was okay to throw away something with Lincoln’s handwriting on it. And I started to get rid of the magazines he kept receiving in the mail. But I have to admit, it took me two years to finally throw away his toothbrush. I knew he didn’t need it, but somehow throwing it away almost seemed like a betrayal. It seemed more comfortable to dwell in the past, because that’s where Lincoln, and my memories of him, lived. But to stay stuck there, while the rest of the world changed and moved forward, wasn’t healthy or helpful. I had to trust that moving forward wouldn’t cause me to forget any of my wonderful memories.

Even though as a therapist I help people work on their rational thinking, grief brought on a lot of irrational thoughts. It made me want to dwell on the past, because the past was where Lincoln was alive. But if I had spent all my time thinking about the past, I’d have never been able to create new and happy memories again.

DWELLING ON THE PAST DISTRACTS YOU FROM THE PRESENT

It’s not just sad or tragic events that leave people focused on the past. Sometimes we dwell on the past as a way to distract ourselves from the present. Perhaps you know that forty-year-old former high school quarterback who still squeezes into his varsity jacket and talks about his “old glory days.” Or maybe you’re friends with the thirty-five-year-old mom who still lists “prom queen” as one of her biggest accomplishments. Often, we romanticize the past as a way to escape problems in the present.

If, for example, you’re not happy in your current relationship, or if you’re not in a relationship at all, it may be tempting to spend a lot of time thinking about a past love. Perhaps you wish that your last relationship had worked out or you still think if you’d married your high school sweetheart, you’d be better off.

It can be tempting to fixate on how much easier or happier life was “back then.” You may even begin to regret some of the decisions you made that landed you where you are today and say things like “If only I’d married my old boyfriend, I’d still be happy”; “If I hadn’t dropped out of college, I’d have a job I love”; or “If I didn’t agree to move to a new city, I’d still have a good life.” The truth is, we don’t know what life would have had in store for us had we not made those choices. But it’s easy for us to imagine that life could be better if we could only change the past.

THE PROBLEM WITH DWELLING ON THE PAST
Gloria couldn’t see her daughter as a capable adult; all she could see were her own mistakes. Her guilt prevented her from focusing on the present and as a result, she enabled her daughter’s irresponsible behavior. Unfortunately, her daughter was repeating a lot of the same mistakes Gloria had made. Dwelling on the past was not only holding Gloria back from reaching her full potential, but it was also holding her daughter back from maturing into a responsible adult.

Ruminating on the past won’t change it. Instead, wasting your time dwelling on what’s already happened will only lead to more problems in the future. Here are some of the ways that dwelling on the past can interfere with your ability to be your best self:

•    You miss out on the present. You can’t enjoy the present if your mind is constantly stuck in the past. You’ll miss out on experiencing new opportunities and celebrating the joys of today if you’re distracted by things that have already occurred.

•    Dwelling on the past makes it impossible to adequately prepare for the future. You won’t be able to clearly define your goals or stay motivated to create change when a big part of you remains stuck in the past.

•    Dwelling on the past interferes with your decision-making skills. When you have unresolved issues from the past, those conflicts will cloud your thinking. You won’t be able to adequately make healthy decisions about what’s best for you today when you can’t get over something that happened yesterday.

•    Dwelling on the past doesn’t solve anything. Replaying the same scripts in your head and focusing on things you no longer have control over won’t resolve anything.

•    Dwelling on the past can lead to depression. Ruminating on negative events conjures up negative emotions. And when you feel sad, the more likely you are to conjure up even more sad memories. Dwelling on past times can be a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck in the same emotional state.

•    Romanticizing the past—the grass-is-greener philosophy—isn’t helpful. It’s easy to convince yourself that you felt happier, more confident, and completely carefree back then. But there’s a good chance you’re exaggerating how great things used to be. It can also make you exaggerate how bad things are now.

•    Dwelling on the past is bad for your physical health. Thinking constantly about negative events increases inflammation in your body, according to a 2013 study conducted by researchers at the University of Ohio. Dwelling on the past could put you at a greater risk for diseases associated with heart disease, cancer, and dementia.

STOP THE PAST FROM HOLDING YOU BACK
Once Gloria recognized that she could learn from her past, rather than just beating herself up over it, her thinking shifted. She began changing her behavior and the way she parented her daughter. This helped her recognize how her past mistakes taught her valuable lessons about parenting. Over the course of a couple of months she was able to recall her earlier parenting mistakes without an overwhelming sense of shame.

SHIFT YOUR THINKING

Dwelling starts out as a cognitive process, but eventually it influences your emotions and behavior. By shifting the way you think about the past, you can move forward.

•    Schedule time to think about a past event. Sometimes our brains need a chance to sort things out and the more you tell yourself not to think about it, the more those memories can crop up throughout the day. Instead of battling to suppress the memories, remind yourself, I can think about that after dinner tonight. Then, after dinner, give yourself twenty minutes to think about it. When your time is up, move on to something else.

•    Give yourself something else to think about. Create a plan to help you think about something else. For example, decide that whenever you think about that job you didn’t get, you’ll shift your focus to thinking about planning your next vacation. This can be especially helpful if you’re prone to dwell on the negative right before you go to sleep at night.

•    Establish goals for the future. It’s impossible to dwell on the past if you’re planning for the future. Establish both short-term and long-term goals and begin working on the action steps needed to achieve those goals. It will give you something to look forward to while also preventing you from looking too much into the past.

Our memories aren’t as accurate as we think they are. Often, when we recall unpleasant events, we exaggerate and catastrophize them. If you think about something you said during a meeting that you later regretted, you may envision that other people were reacting much more negatively than they actually did. When you recall negative memories, try these strategies to keep your experiences in perspective:

•    Focus on the lessons you learned. If you’ve endured hard times, focus on what you’ve learned from that experience. Accept that it happened and think about how you may be a changed person because of it but realize that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Maybe you learned to speak up because you allowed yourself to be treated poorly, or perhaps you learned that you need to be honest if you want relationships to last. Some of the best life lessons can be learned from the toughest times you’ve endured.

•    Think about the facts, not the emotion. Thinking about negative events can be very distressing because you’ll likely focus on how you felt during the event. But if you recall an event by walking yourself through the facts and details of the memory, your distress decreases. Instead of dwelling on how you felt when you went to a funeral, recall specific details about where you sat, what you wore, who was there. When you begin to take away the emotion surrounding an event, you’re less likely to dwell on it.

•    Look at the situation differently. When you review your past, examine what other ways there are to look at the same situation. You have control over how you weave the story. The same story can be told countless ways and still be true. If your current version is upsetting, see how else you can look at it. For example, Gloria could have reminded herself that her daughter’s current choices weren’t all related to her childhood. She could have recognized that although she may have made some mistakes, she was not responsible for the choices her daughter was making now.

MAKE PEACE WITH THE PAST

When James Barrie was six years old, his thirteen-year-old brother, David, died in an ice skating accident. Although his mother had ten children total, it was no secret that David had been her favorite. After his death, she was so distraught she could hardly cope with life.

So at the age of six, Barrie did everything he could to compensate for his mother’s grief. He even tried to take over the role of David to help fill the void his mother felt from his death. He dressed in David’s clothing and learned how to whistle the same way David used to. He became her constant companion as he devoted his entire childhood to trying to make his mother smile again.

Despite Barrie’s attempts to make his mother happy, she often warned him about the hardships of being an adult. She told him to never grow up because adulthood was only filled with grief and unhappiness. She even said she took some relief knowing that David would never have to grow up and face the realities of adulthood.

In an attempt to please his mother, Barrie resisted maturity as much as he could. He especially didn’t want to grow any older than David had been when he’d passed away. He tried with all his might to remain a child. His attempts to stay a boy even seemed to stunt his physical growth as he hardly reached five feet tall.

After he finished school, Barrie wanted to become an author. But his family pressured him to go on to study at a university, because that’s what David would have done. So Barrie found a compromise—he’d continue his education but he’d study literature.

Barrie went on to pen one of the most famous works of children’s literature, Peter Pan, or the Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up. Originally written as a play, which later became a famous movie, the main character, Peter Pan, faces the conflict between the innocence of childhood and the responsibility of adulthood. Peter chooses to remain a child and encourages all the other children to do the same. As the legendary fairy tale, it seems like a delightful children’s story. But when you know the author’s history, the anecdote is quite tragic.

Barrie’s mother couldn’t move forward after the death of her son. She was convinced that childhood was the best time of her life and that the present and future were only riddled with pain and agony. As an extreme case of someone who dwelled on the past, she allowed it to interfere with the well-being of her children. It affected Barrie not just during his childhood, but also throughout his adulthood.

The misconceptions we hold about grief can contribute to our choice to live in the past. Many people wrongly believe that the amount of time you grieve over someone is directly proportional to the amount of love you had for someone. If you cared a little about someone who died, you may grieve for months. But if you really loved that person, you’d grieve for years or even for the rest of your life. But the truth is, there isn’t a right amount of time to grieve. In fact, you may grieve for years, or even forever, but the amount of sadness you feel doesn’t equate to the amount of love you had for that person.

Hopefully, you have many cherished memories of your loved one. But moving forward means actively working toward creating new memories for yourself, making the best decisions for you, and not always doing what someone else would want you to do.

If you find yourself ruminating on some aspect of your past, you may need to take action to make peace with the past. Here are some ways to make peace with the past:

•    Give yourself permission to move forward. Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to move forward. Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to leave your memories of a loved one behind, but it does mean you can do the things you need to do to enjoy the moment and get the most you can out of life.

•    Recognize the emotional toll of dwelling on the past versus moving forward. Sometimes dwelling on the past is a strategy that works in the short term but not in the long term. If you think about the past, you don’t have to focus on what’s going on right now. But, over the long term, there are consequences. Recognize what you’ll miss out on in life if your attention is focused on the past.

•    Practice forgiveness. Whether you’re dwelling on past hurt and anger because you can’t forgive yourself or because you can’t forgive someone else, forgiveness can help you let go of that hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting something happened. If someone hurt you, you can forgive them while still deciding not to have any more contact, for example. Instead, focus on letting go so you don’t stay consumed with the hurt and anger.

•    Change behavior that keeps you stuck in the past. If you find yourself avoiding certain activities—because you are afraid it will drudge up bad memories or because you feel like you don’t deserve to do them—consider doing them anyway. You can’t change the past. But you can choose to accept it. If you’ve made mistakes, you can’t go back and fix them or erase them. You may be able to try and take steps to repair some of the damage you’ve caused, but it won’t make everything better.

•    Seek professional help if necessary. Sometimes traumatic events can lead to mental health issues, like post-traumatic stress disorder. Near-death experiences, for example, can lead to flashbacks and nightmares that make it difficult to make peace with the past. Professional counseling can help reduce the distress associated with traumatic memories so you can move forward more productively.

HOW MAKING PEACE WITH THE PAST WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
Wynona Ward grew up in rural Vermont. Her family was poor, and as in many homes in the area, domestic violence was common. Ward’s father routinely physically and sexually abused her. She often witnessed her father beating her mother. Although doctors treated her mother’s wounds and neighbors heard their screams, no one ever intervened.

Ward kept her family problems a secret. She immersed herself in her academics and excelled in school. At the age of seventeen, she left home and got married. She and her husband became over-the-road truck drivers.

After sixteen years of traveling the country as a truck driver, Ward learned that her older brother had abused a young family member. It was at that moment that she decided that she had to do something. She decided to go back to school so she could help put an end to the generational abuse that was going on within her family.

Ward enrolled in the University of Vermont and studied from the truck while her husband drove. She completed her degree and went on to further her education at Vermont Law School. Upon getting her law degree, she used a small grant to start Have Justice Will Travel, an organization that serves families in rural areas affected by domestic violence.

Ward provides rural domestic violence victims with free legal representation. She also connects them with the appropriate social services. Because many families lack the resources or transportation to travel to an office, Ward travels to them. She provides education and services that help families put an end to generational cycles of abuse. Instead of dwelling on her horrific past, Ward chooses to focus on what she can do to help other people in the present.

Refusing to dwell on the past doesn’t mean you pretend the past didn’t happen. In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present. Doing so frees up your mental energy and allows you to plan for your future based on who you want to become, not who you used to be. Anger, shame, and guilt can run your life if you’re not careful. Letting go of those emotions helps you to be in charge of your life.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
If you spend all your time looking in the rearview mirror, you can’t look out the windshield. Staying stuck in the past will prevent you from enjoying the future. Recognize times when you’re dwelling on the past and take the steps necessary to heal your emotions so you can move forward.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Reflecting on the past enough that you can learn from it
Moving forward in your life, even when it may be painful to do so
Actively working through grief so you can focus on the present and plan for the future
Thinking about negative events in terms of facts, not emotions
Finding ways to make peace with the past
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Trying to pretend the past didn’t happen
Trying to prevent yourself from moving forward in life
Focusing on what you’ve lost in life without being able to live in the present
Replaying painful events in your mind repeatedly and focusing on how you felt during them
Trying to undo the past or make up for your past mistakes
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CHAPTER 8
THEY DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
—JOHN POWELL

When Kristy entered my therapy office, the first thing she said was, “I have a college degree and I’m smart enough not to yell at my coworkers. So why can’t I stop yelling at my kids?” Every morning she made a promise that she wasn’t going to yell at her two teenagers. But almost every evening she found herself raising her voice toward at least one of them.

She told me she yelled because she felt frustrated when her kids didn’t listen to her. And lately, it seemed like they hardly ever listened. Her thirteen-year-old daughter often refused to do her chores and her fifteen-year-old son wasn’t putting any effort into his homework. Whenever Kristy came home from a long day at work to find them watching TV and playing video games, she told them to get to work. But they usually talked back and Kristy resorted to yelling.

Kristy clearly knew that yelling wasn’t good for her kids. She recognized that it only made the situation worse. She prided herself on being an intelligent and successful person, so it surprised her when she struggled to get this area of her life under control.

Kristy spent a couple of sessions examining why she kept making the same mistake over and over. She discovered that she really didn’t know how to discipline the kids without yelling, and she wasn’t going to be able to stop yelling at her kids until she had a plan about what to do instead. So we worked on various strategies she could use to respond to disrespectful and defiant behavior. Kristy decided she’d offer one warning, and then follow through with a consequence if her kids didn’t do as she asked.

She also needed to learn how to recognize when she was getting angry, so she could step away from a situation before she started yelling. Her downfall seemed to be that when she lost her cool, her rational thoughts about discipline went out the window.

I further worked with Kristy to help her find a new way to think about discipline. When she first came to me, she admitted that she felt it was her responsibility to make her kids do what she said, at all costs, because if they didn’t, it would mean they won. But this approach always seemed to backfire. Once Kristy could let go of the idea she needed to win a power struggle, she developed a new outlook on discipline. If her children chose not to follow her directions, she took away their electronics without arguing and trying to force them to behave.

It took some practice for Kristy to change her parenting strategies. There were times where she still found herself resorting to yelling, but she was now equipped with alternative discipline strategies. Each time she found herself slipping, she could review her triggers and identify strategies to prevent raising her voice again the next time.

REPEAT OFFENDER
Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the first time around, the truth is, everyone repeats mistakes sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Mistakes can be behavioral—like showing up late for work—or they can be cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t like you or never planning ahead. Although someone may say “Next time I won’t jump to conclusions,” they may repeat those same thinking errors if they’re not careful. Do any of the points below sound familiar?

    You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re trying to reach a goal.

    When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time looking for new ways to overcome it.

    You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep falling back on your old ways.

    You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to reach your goals are unsuccessful.

    You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of your bad habits.

    You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only to find yourself doing the same thing all over again.

    Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do things.

    You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline.

    Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset.

Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals.

WHY WE MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES
Despite her frustration, Kristy had never truly thought about why she yelled or what alternatives could be more effective. Initially, she was hesitant to follow through with a new discipline plan because she worried that removing privileges would only anger her children further and lead to more disrespectful behavior. She had to gain confidence in her parenting abilities before she could stop repeating the same mistakes.

If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on earth would the person keep doing it over and over? The truth is, our behavior is complicated.

For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if a child was allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, she would be in danger of accidently memorizing the wrong answer. For example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6, she’d always recall 6 as the right answer, even after she was corrected. To prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without allowing them to make an educated guess.

Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition showed that as long as study participants were given a chance to learn the correct information, they could learn from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers were incorrect, their retention rates for the correct answers improved once their mistakes were corrected. Kids, just like adults, are able to learn from their mistakes when they’re given the opportunity.

Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can learn from our mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger. Growing up, you may have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes than face the consequences. And school wasn’t the only place we built our understanding of handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their missteps. They lie and attempt to talk their way out of admitting they did anything wrong even when there’s evidence to the contrary. And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future. We’ve all heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .” This is an acknowledgment of behavior but falls short of admitting a mistake, all because of pride.

Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A person who makes a poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got so much invested in this now; I might as well just keep going.” Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk more because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someone in a job she despises may say, “I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this company. I don’t want to walk away now.” But the only thing worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day.

Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although there’s a lot to be said for “dusting yourself off and getting right back up on the horse,” it is wiser to figure out why you fell off in the first place before you try again.

Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems sober. To avoid those mistakes and do something different would feel uncomfortable.

And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.

THE PROBLEM WITH REPEATING OUR MISTAKES
Kristy recognized that yelling at her kids every day wasn’t helpful. She wasn’t teaching them how to solve problems effectively, and they were learning that yelling was acceptable behavior. The more she yelled at them, the more they yelled right back at her. Have you ever watched a dog chase its tail around and around in a circle? That’s what you feel like when you repeat your mistakes. You’ll tire out, yet you won’t get anywhere.

Julie came to see me for therapy because she was mad at herself. She had lost forty pounds last year but then slowly, over the last six months, she gained it all back. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. She’d been gaining and losing the same forty pounds for almost a decade. She was extremely frustrated that she devoted so much time and energy into losing weight only to keep gaining it right back.

Every time she lost the weight she relaxed a little. She’d allow herself to have a second helping with dinner or she’d celebrate with ice cream. She’d find an excuse to skip a few workouts and before she knew it, she was gaining weight again. She’d quickly grown disgusted with herself and she wondered, “How can I not be in control of what I do to my own body?” Julie’s story certainly isn’t unique. In fact, statistically, the vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back again. Losing weight is hard work. So why would anyone go through the pain of losing it just to gain it all back? Often, it’s because people begin repeating the same mistakes that caused them to become overweight in the first place.

Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as the following:

•    You won’t reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move forward.

•    The problem won’t get solved. It’s a vicious cycle. When you repeat a mistake, the problem perpetuates and you’re more likely to just keep doing the same thing. You’ll never be able to solve a problem until you do something differently.

•    You’ll think differently about yourself. You may begin to view yourself as incompetent or a complete failure because you can’t get past a certain obstacle.

•    You may not try as hard. If the first few attempts weren’t successful, you may be more likely to give up. When you don’t try as hard, you’re less likely to succeed.

•    You may frustrate others who watch you repeat the same mistakes. If you’re guilty of always getting yourself caught up in similar problems, your friends and family may grow tired of hearing you complain. Worse yet, if they’ve had to bail you out because you’ve repeatedly gotten yourself into problematic situations, your repeated mistakes will damage your relationships.

•    You may develop irrational beliefs to excuse your mistakes. Instead of looking at how your behavior is interfering with your progress, you may conclude it’s just not “meant to be.” An overweight person who struggles to lose weight and keep it off may simply decide, “I’m big-boned. I wasn’t meant to be smaller.”

AVOID MAKING THE SAME BLUNDERS OVER AND OVER AGAIN
To break the yelling cycle Kristy found herself stuck in, she first had to examine her discipline style and then come up with alternative consequences. She knew that in the beginning, her kids would likely test the new restrictions she imposed, so it wasn’t until she developed a solid plan to deal with her emotions that she could effectively manage their misbehavior without losing her cool.

STUDY THE MISTAKE

In the mid-1800s, Rowland Macy opened a dry goods store in Haverhill, Massachusetts. Even though he opened the store in a quiet part of town that rarely attracted visitors, let alone customers, he was certain that his store would draw attention. But he was wrong and he was soon struggling to keep the doors open. In an attempt to attract business to his part of town, he arranged for a large parade, complete with a marching band, to lure people into the streets. The parade ended in front of the store where a well-known businessman from Boston was scheduled to give a speech.

Unfortunately, due to extremely hot weather on the day of the parade, no one ventured outdoors to follow the band as Rowland had expected. His marketing mistakes cost him a lot of money and, ultimately, his business.

However, Rowland was someone who learned from his mistakes and just a few short years later, he opened “R.H. Macy Dry Goods” in downtown New York. This was his fifth store, following his previous four failed businesses. But from each mistake he made, he learned something new. And by the time he opened “R.H. Macy Dry Goods,” he had learned a lot about running a business and marketing it successfully.

Macy’s Department Store has gone on to become one of the most successful stores in the world. Unlike Rowland’s first parade, which was held during the high heat of summer, the store now carries out its annual parade, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade during the cool fall weather. Not only does it attract large crowds into the streets, but it’s also broadcast on TV to more than forty-four million viewers each year.

Rowland Macy didn’t simply look for excuses about why his first business ventures weren’t successful. Instead, he studied the facts and took responsibility for his part in each mistake. Then he was able to apply that knowledge to help him do something different the next time.

If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside, acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn from it. Look for an explanation without making an excuse. Ask yourself the following questions:

•    What went wrong? Spend a little bit of time reflecting on your mistakes. Try to discern the facts about what happened. Maybe you overspend on your budget every month because you can’t resist shopping. Or maybe you get into the same argument with your spouse repeatedly because the issue never really resolves itself. Examine what thoughts, behaviors, and external factors contributed to the mistake.

•    What could I have done better? As you reflect on the situation, look for things you could have done better. Maybe you didn’t stick with something long enough. For example, maybe you gave up on trying to lose weight after only two weeks. Or maybe your mistake is that you find too many excuses about why you shouldn’t exercise and as a result, you just don’t stick with an effective weight-loss routine. Give yourself an honest evaluation.

•    What can I do differently next time? Saying you’re not going to make a mistake again and actually doing it are two very separate things. Think about what you can do differently next time to avoid making the same mistake. Identify clear strategies you can use to avoid resorting to your old behavior.

CREATE A PLAN

During my college internship, I spent some time working in an inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. Many of the patients attending the program had tried to address their substance abuse issues before. By the time they came to our facility, they were discouraged and fed up with the fact they couldn’t stop drinking and using drugs. But after a few weeks of intensive treatment, their attitudes usually shifted. They became hopeful about the future and determined that this time, they weren’t going to go back to their old ways.

But, before patients could graduate from the program, they needed a clear discharge plan. This plan was meant to help them keep the same positive outlook on recovery after they were discharged from the facility. To avoid returning to their previous habits, they needed to make some serious lifestyle changes.

For most people, that meant they had to find a new social circle. They couldn’t go back to hanging around their old friends who used drugs or drank heavily. Some of them had to make job changes too. Developing healthier habits may mean ending an unhealthy relationship or trading parties for support group meetings.

Each person participated in developing a written plan that included resources and strategies to remain sober. The people who were most successful in their recovery followed their plans. Those who went back to their old lifestyles tended to relapse because they couldn’t resist making the same mistakes. There were just too many unhealthy temptations when they returned to their previous environments. No matter what type of mistakes you’re trying to avoid, the key to success lies in developing a good plan. Developing a written plan increases the likelihood that you’ll follow through with it.

Follow these steps to create a written plan that will help you avoid repeating your mistakes:

1.    Establish behavior that will replace previous behavior. Instead of drinking alcohol to cope with stress, a person could identify alternative strategies, such as going for a walk or calling a friend. Decide what healthy behavior will help you avoid repeating unhealthy behavior.

2.    Identify warning signs that you’re headed down the wrong path again. It’s important to be on the lookout for old behavior patterns that may return. Perhaps you’ll know your spending habits are getting out of control again when you begin putting purchases on credit cards.

3.    Find a way to hold yourself accountable. It’ll be more difficult to hide your mistakes or ignore them when you’re being held accountable. Talking to a trusted friend or relative who is willing to hold you accountable and point out your blunders can be helpful. You may also be able to increase the likelihood that you’ll hold yourself accountable by keeping a journal or using a calendar to chart your progress.

PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE

Self-discipline isn’t something you either have or you don’t. Instead, everyone has the ability to increase their self-discipline. Saying no to a bag of chips or a couple of cookies requires self-control. As does exercising when you don’t feel like it. Avoiding those mistakes that can derail your progress requires constant vigilance and hard work.

Here are some things to keep in mind when working to increase your self-control:

•    Practice tolerating discomfort. Whether you’re feeling lonely and you’re tempted to text message that ex who isn’t good for you or you’re craving a sweet treat that will blow your diet, practice tolerating the discomfort. Although people often convince themselves if they “give in just this once” it will help, research shows otherwise. Each time you give in you reduce your self-control.

•    Use positive self-talk. Realistic affirmations can help you resist temptation in moments of weakness. Saying things like “I can do this” or “I’m doing a great job working toward my goals” can help you stay on track.

•    Keep your goals in mind. Focusing on the importance of your goals helps decrease temptations. So if you focus on how good you’ll feel when your car is paid off, you’ll be less tempted to make that purchase that will wreak havoc on the month’s budget.

•    Impose restrictions on yourself. If you know you’re likely to spend too much money when you’re out with friends, only take a small amount of cash with you. Take steps that make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to give in when you’re faced with temptation.

•    Create a list of all the reasons why you don’t want to repeat your mistake. Carry this list with you. When you’re tempted to resort to your previous behavior pattern, read this list to yourself. It can increase your motivation to resist repeating old patterns. For example, create a list of reasons why you should go for a walk after dinner. When you’re tempted to watch TV instead of exercise, read the list and it may increase your motivation to move forward.

LEARNING FROM MISTAKES WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
After quitting school at the age of twelve, Milton Hershey went to work at a print shop, but he soon realized he wasn’t interested in a career in the printing business. So he went to work at a candy and ice cream shop. At the age of nineteen, he decided to open his own candy company. He gained financial support from his family and got the business off the ground. However, the company wasn’t successful and within a few years, he was forced to declare bankruptcy.

Following his failed business attempt, he went to Colorado where he hoped to get rich in the booming silver mining industry. But he arrived too late and he struggled to find work. He eventually found a job with another candy maker. It was there that he learned how fresh milk made excellent candy.

Hershey moved to New York City to open his own candy business again. He hoped the skills and information he had learned would help his second candy venture become a success. But Hershey lacked funding, and there were too many other candy stores in the area. Again, his endeavor failed. At this point, many people in his family who had helped fund his entrepreneurial efforts shunned him for his mistakes.

But Hershey didn’t give up. He moved back to Pennsylvania and opened a caramel-making company. He made candy during the day and sold caramels on the streets during the evenings with a pushcart. He eventually received a large order and was able to secure a bank loan to fill it. As soon as the order was paid for, Hershey was able to pay off the loan and launch the Lancaster Caramel Company. Soon, he became a millionaire and one of the most successful businesspeople in his area.

He continued to expand his business. He began making chocolate, and by 1900, he sold the Lancaster Caramel Company and opened a chocolate factory. Hershey worked tirelessly on perfecting his chocolate formula. He quickly became the only person in the United States to mass-produce milk chocolate, and soon he began selling chocolate all over the world.

When sugar became scarce during World War I, Hershey established his own sugar refinery in Cuba. But as soon as the war ended, the sugar market collapsed. Once again, Hershey found himself in financial trouble. He borrowed money from the bank, but he had to mortgage his properties until the loan was paid off. Nevertheless, Hershey managed to get his business back in order and he paid off the loan within two years.

Not only did he build a thriving chocolate factory, but he created a thriving town. During the Great Depression, Hershey was able to keep his employees working. He created a variety of buildings in the town, including a school, a sports arena, and a hotel. The new construction employed many people. Throughout all his success, he also became a great philanthropist. Hershey’s ability to learn from his mistakes helped him go from running failed candy businesses to owning the world’s biggest chocolate company. Even today, the town known as Hershey, Pennsylvania, is adorned with streetlights in the shape of Hershey’s Kisses, and over three million visitors tour the Hershey’s world chocolate factory to learn how Milton Hershey made chocolate go from a bean to a bar.

When you view mistakes not as something negative but instead as an opportunity to improve yourself, you’ll be able to devote time and energy into making sure you don’t repeat them. In fact, mentally strong people are often willing to share their mistakes with other people in an effort to help prevent them from making the same mistakes.

In the case of Kristy, she felt enormous relief once she was able to stop yelling at her children every day. She learned that it was normal for her kids to break the rules at times, but she had choices in how she responded. She felt like their home was a much happier place when they weren’t yelling at one another. When Kristy stopped repeating her discipline mistakes and was able to impose effective consequences for her kids, she felt more in control of herself and of her life.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
There are usually many different ways to solve a particular problem. If your current method hasn’t been successful, be open to trying something new. Learning from each mistake requires self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest keys to reaching your full potential.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Acknowledging your personal responsibility for each mistake
Creating a written plan to prevent repeating the mistake
Identifying triggers and warning signs of old behavior patterns
Practicing self-discipline strategies
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Making excuses or refusing to examine your role in the outcome
Responding impulsively without thinking about alternatives
Putting yourself in situations where you are likely to fail
Assuming you can always resist temptation or deciding you’re doomed to keep repeating your mistak