read it and write down everthing you learn  from it THEY DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
—JOHN POWELL

When Kristy entered my therapy office, the first thing she said was, “I have a college degree and I’m smart enough not to yell at my coworkers. So why can’t I stop yelling at my kids?” Every morning she made a promise that she wasn’t going to yell at her two teenagers. But almost every evening she found herself raising her voice toward at least one of them.

She told me she yelled because she felt frustrated when her kids didn’t listen to her. And lately, it seemed like they hardly ever listened. Her thirteen-year-old daughter often refused to do her chores and her fifteen-year-old son wasn’t putting any effort into his homework. Whenever Kristy came home from a long day at work to find them watching TV and playing video games, she told them to get to work. But they usually talked back and Kristy resorted to yelling.

Kristy clearly knew that yelling wasn’t good for her kids. She recognized that it only made the situation worse. She prided herself on being an intelligent and successful person, so it surprised her when she struggled to get this area of her life under control.

Kristy spent a couple of sessions examining why she kept making the same mistake over and over. She discovered that she really didn’t know how to discipline the kids without yelling, and she wasn’t going to be able to stop yelling at her kids until she had a plan about what to do instead. So we worked on various strategies she could use to respond to disrespectful and defiant behavior. Kristy decided she’d offer one warning, and then follow through with a consequence if her kids didn’t do as she asked.

She also needed to learn how to recognize when she was getting angry, so she could step away from a situation before she started yelling. Her downfall seemed to be that when she lost her cool, her rational thoughts about discipline went out the window.

I further worked with Kristy to help her find a new way to think about discipline. When she first came to me, she admitted that she felt it was her responsibility to make her kids do what she said, at all costs, because if they didn’t, it would mean they won. But this approach always seemed to backfire. Once Kristy could let go of the idea she needed to win a power struggle, she developed a new outlook on discipline. If her children chose not to follow her directions, she took away their electronics without arguing and trying to force them to behave.

It took some practice for Kristy to change her parenting strategies. There were times where she still found herself resorting to yelling, but she was now equipped with alternative discipline strategies. Each time she found herself slipping, she could review her triggers and identify strategies to prevent raising her voice again the next time.

REPEAT OFFENDER
Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the first time around, the truth is, everyone repeats mistakes sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Mistakes can be behavioral—like showing up late for work—or they can be cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t like you or never planning ahead. Although someone may say “Next time I won’t jump to conclusions,” they may repeat those same thinking errors if they’re not careful. Do any of the points below sound familiar?

    You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re trying to reach a goal.

    When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time looking for new ways to overcome it.

    You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep falling back on your old ways.

    You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to reach your goals are unsuccessful.

    You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of your bad habits.

    You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only to find yourself doing the same thing all over again.

    Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do things.

    You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline.

    Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset.

Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals.

WHY WE MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES
Despite her frustration, Kristy had never truly thought about why she yelled or what alternatives could be more effective. Initially, she was hesitant to follow through with a new discipline plan because she worried that removing privileges would only anger her children further and lead to more disrespectful behavior. She had to gain confidence in her parenting abilities before she could stop repeating the same mistakes.

If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on earth would the person keep doing it over and over? The truth is, our behavior is complicated.

For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if a child was allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, she would be in danger of accidently memorizing the wrong answer. For example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6, she’d always recall 6 as the right answer, even after she was corrected. To prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without allowing them to make an educated guess.

Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition showed that as long as study participants were given a chance to learn the correct information, they could learn from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers were incorrect, their retention rates for the correct answers improved once their mistakes were corrected. Kids, just like adults, are able to learn from their mistakes when they’re given the opportunity.

Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can learn from our mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger. Growing up, you may have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes than face the consequences. And school wasn’t the only place we built our understanding of handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their missteps. They lie and attempt to talk their way out of admitting they did anything wrong even when there’s evidence to the contrary. And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future. We’ve all heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .” This is an acknowledgment of behavior but falls short of admitting a mistake, all because of pride.

Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A person who makes a poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got so much invested in this now; I might as well just keep going.” Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk more because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someone in a job she despises may say, “I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this company. I don’t want to walk away now.” But the only thing worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day.

Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although there’s a lot to be said for “dusting yourself off and getting right back up on the horse,” it is wiser to figure out why you fell off in the first place before you try again.

Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems sober. To avoid those mistakes and do something different would feel uncomfortable.

And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.

THE PROBLEM WITH REPEATING OUR MISTAKES
Kristy recognized that yelling at her kids every day wasn’t helpful. She wasn’t teaching them how to solve problems effectively, and they were learning that yelling was acceptable behavior. The more she yelled at them, the more they yelled right back at her. Have you ever watched a dog chase its tail around and around in a circle? That’s what you feel like when you repeat your mistakes. You’ll tire out, yet you won’t get anywhere.

Julie came to see me for therapy because she was mad at herself. She had lost forty pounds last year but then slowly, over the last six months, she gained it all back. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. She’d been gaining and losing the same forty pounds for almost a decade. She was extremely frustrated that she devoted so much time and energy into losing weight only to keep gaining it right back.

Every time she lost the weight she relaxed a little. She’d allow herself to have a second helping with dinner or she’d celebrate with ice cream. She’d find an excuse to skip a few workouts and before she knew it, she was gaining weight again. She’d quickly grown disgusted with herself and she wondered, “How can I not be in control of what I do to my own body?” Julie’s story certainly isn’t unique. In fact, statistically, the vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back again. Losing weight is hard work. So why would anyone go through the pain of losing it just to gain it all back? Often, it’s because people begin repeating the same mistakes that caused them to become overweight in the first place.

Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as the following:

•    You won’t reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move forward.

•    The problem won’t get solved. It’s a vicious cycle. When you repeat a mistake, the problem perpetuates and you’re more likely to just keep doing the same thing. You’ll never be able to solve a problem until you do something differently.

•    You’ll think differently about yourself. You may begin to view yourself as incompetent or a complete failure because you can’t get past a certain obstacle.

•    You may not try as hard. If the first few attempts weren’t successful, you may be more likely to give up. When you don’t try as hard, you’re less likely to succeed.

•    You may frustrate others who watch you repeat the same mistakes. If you’re guilty of always getting yourself caught up in similar problems, your friends and family may grow tired of hearing you complain. Worse yet, if they’ve had to bail you out because you’ve repeatedly gotten yourself into problematic situations, your repeated mistakes will damage your relationships.

•    You may develop irrational beliefs to excuse your mistakes. Instead of looking at how your behavior is interfering with your progress, you may conclude it’s just not “meant to be.” An overweight person who struggles to lose weight and keep it off may simply decide, “I’m big-boned. I wasn’t meant to be smaller.”

AVOID MAKING THE SAME BLUNDERS OVER AND OVER AGAIN
To break the yelling cycle Kristy found herself stuck in, she first had to examine her discipline style and then come up with alternative consequences. She knew that in the beginning, her kids would likely test the new restrictions she imposed, so it wasn’t until she developed a solid plan to deal with her emotions that she could effectively manage their misbehavior without losing her cool.

STUDY THE MISTAKE

In the mid-1800s, Rowland Macy opened a dry goods store in Haverhill, Massachusetts. Even though he opened the store in a quiet part of town that rarely attracted visitors, let alone customers, he was certain that his store would draw attention. But he was wrong and he was soon struggling to keep the doors open. In an attempt to attract business to his part of town, he arranged for a large parade, complete with a marching band, to lure people into the streets. The parade ended in front of the store where a well-known businessman from Boston was scheduled to give a speech.

Unfortunately, due to extremely hot weather on the day of the parade, no one ventured outdoors to follow the band as Rowland had expected. His marketing mistakes cost him a lot of money and, ultimately, his business.

However, Rowland was someone who learned from his mistakes and just a few short years later, he opened “R.H. Macy Dry Goods” in downtown New York. This was his fifth store, following his previous four failed businesses. But from each mistake he made, he learned something new. And by the time he opened “R.H. Macy Dry Goods,” he had learned a lot about running a business and marketing it successfully.

Macy’s Department Store has gone on to become one of the most successful stores in the world. Unlike Rowland’s first parade, which was held during the high heat of summer, the store now carries out its annual parade, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade during the cool fall weather. Not only does it attract large crowds into the streets, but it’s also broadcast on TV to more than forty-four million viewers each year.

Rowland Macy didn’t simply look for excuses about why his first business ventures weren’t successful. Instead, he studied the facts and took responsibility for his part in each mistake. Then he was able to apply that knowledge to help him do something different the next time.

If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside, acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn from it. Look for an explanation without making an excuse. Ask yourself the following questions:

•    What went wrong? Spend a little bit of time reflecting on your mistakes. Try to discern the facts about what happened. Maybe you overspend on your budget every month because you can’t resist shopping. Or maybe you get into the same argument with your spouse repeatedly because the issue never really resolves itself. Examine what thoughts, behaviors, and external factors contributed to the mistake.

•    What could I have done better? As you reflect on the situation, look for things you could have done better. Maybe you didn’t stick with something long enough. For example, maybe you gave up on trying to lose weight after only two weeks. Or maybe your mistake is that you find too many excuses about why you shouldn’t exercise and as a result, you just don’t stick with an effective weight-loss routine. Give yourself an honest evaluation.

•    What can I do differently next time? Saying you’re not going to make a mistake again and actually doing it are two very separate things. Think about what you can do differently next time to avoid making the same mistake. Identify clear strategies you can use to avoid resorting to your old behavior.

CREATE A PLAN

During my college internship, I spent some time working in an inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. Many of the patients attending the program had tried to address their substance abuse issues before. By the time they came to our facility, they were discouraged and fed up with the fact they couldn’t stop drinking and using drugs. But after a few weeks of intensive treatment, their attitudes usually shifted. They became hopeful about the future and determined that this time, they weren’t going to go back to their old ways.

But, before patients could graduate from the program, they needed a clear discharge plan. This plan was meant to help them keep the same positive outlook on recovery after they were discharged from the facility. To avoid returning to their previous habits, they needed to make some serious lifestyle changes.

For most people, that meant they had to find a new social circle. They couldn’t go back to hanging around their old friends who used drugs or drank heavily. Some of them had to make job changes too. Developing healthier habits may mean ending an unhealthy relationship or trading parties for support group meetings.

Each person participated in developing a written plan that included resources and strategies to remain sober. The people who were most successful in their recovery followed their plans. Those who went back to their old lifestyles tended to relapse because they couldn’t resist making the same mistakes. There were just too many unhealthy temptations when they returned to their previous environments. No matter what type of mistakes you’re trying to avoid, the key to success lies in developing a good plan. Developing a written plan increases the likelihood that you’ll follow through with it.

Follow these steps to create a written plan that will help you avoid repeating your mistakes:

1.    Establish behavior that will replace previous behavior. Instead of drinking alcohol to cope with stress, a person could identify alternative strategies, such as going for a walk or calling a friend. Decide what healthy behavior will help you avoid repeating unhealthy behavior.

2.    Identify warning signs that you’re headed down the wrong path again. It’s important to be on the lookout for old behavior patterns that may return. Perhaps you’ll know your spending habits are getting out of control again when you begin putting purchases on credit cards.

3.    Find a way to hold yourself accountable. It’ll be more difficult to hide your mistakes or ignore them when you’re being held accountable. Talking to a trusted friend or relative who is willing to hold you accountable and point out your blunders can be helpful. You may also be able to increase the likelihood that you’ll hold yourself accountable by keeping a journal or using a calendar to chart your progress.

PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE

Self-discipline isn’t something you either have or you don’t. Instead, everyone has the ability to increase their self-discipline. Saying no to a bag of chips or a couple of cookies requires self-control. As does exercising when you don’t feel like it. Avoiding those mistakes that can derail your progress requires constant vigilance and hard work.

Here are some things to keep in mind when working to increase your self-control:

•    Practice tolerating discomfort. Whether you’re feeling lonely and you’re tempted to text message that ex who isn’t good for you or you’re craving a sweet treat that will blow your diet, practice tolerating the discomfort. Although people often convince themselves if they “give in just this once” it will help, research shows otherwise. Each time you give in you reduce your self-control.

•    Use positive self-talk. Realistic affirmations can help you resist temptation in moments of weakness. Saying things like “I can do this” or “I’m doing a great job working toward my goals” can help you stay on track.

•    Keep your goals in mind. Focusing on the importance of your goals helps decrease temptations. So if you focus on how good you’ll feel when your car is paid off, you’ll be less tempted to make that purchase that will wreak havoc on the month’s budget.

•    Impose restrictions on yourself. If you know you’re likely to spend too much money when you’re out with friends, only take a small amount of cash with you. Take steps that make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to give in when you’re faced with temptation.

•    Create a list of all the reasons why you don’t want to repeat your mistake. Carry this list with you. When you’re tempted to resort to your previous behavior pattern, read this list to yourself. It can increase your motivation to resist repeating old patterns. For example, create a list of reasons why you should go for a walk after dinner. When you’re tempted to watch TV instead of exercise, read the list and it may increase your motivation to move forward.

LEARNING FROM MISTAKES WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
After quitting school at the age of twelve, Milton Hershey went to work at a print shop, but he soon realized he wasn’t interested in a career in the printing business. So he went to work at a candy and ice cream shop. At the age of nineteen, he decided to open his own candy company. He gained financial support from his family and got the business off the ground. However, the company wasn’t successful and within a few years, he was forced to declare bankruptcy.

Following his failed business attempt, he went to Colorado where he hoped to get rich in the booming silver mining industry. But he arrived too late and he struggled to find work. He eventually found a job with another candy maker. It was there that he learned how fresh milk made excellent candy.

Hershey moved to New York City to open his own candy business again. He hoped the skills and information he had learned would help his second candy venture become a success. But Hershey lacked funding, and there were too many other candy stores in the area. Again, his endeavor failed. At this point, many people in his family who had helped fund his entrepreneurial efforts shunned him for his mistakes.

But Hershey didn’t give up. He moved back to Pennsylvania and opened a caramel-making company. He made candy during the day and sold caramels on the streets during the evenings with a pushcart. He eventually received a large order and was able to secure a bank loan to fill it. As soon as the order was paid for, Hershey was able to pay off the loan and launch the Lancaster Caramel Company. Soon, he became a millionaire and one of the most successful businesspeople in his area.

He continued to expand his business. He began making chocolate, and by 1900, he sold the Lancaster Caramel Company and opened a chocolate factory. Hershey worked tirelessly on perfecting his chocolate formula. He quickly became the only person in the United States to mass-produce milk chocolate, and soon he began selling chocolate all over the world.

When sugar became scarce during World War I, Hershey established his own sugar refinery in Cuba. But as soon as the war ended, the sugar market collapsed. Once again, Hershey found himself in financial trouble. He borrowed money from the bank, but he had to mortgage his properties until the loan was paid off. Nevertheless, Hershey managed to get his business back in order and he paid off the loan within two years.

Not only did he build a thriving chocolate factory, but he created a thriving town. During the Great Depression, Hershey was able to keep his employees working. He created a variety of buildings in the town, including a school, a sports arena, and a hotel. The new construction employed many people. Throughout all his success, he also became a great philanthropist. Hershey’s ability to learn from his mistakes helped him go from running failed candy businesses to owning the world’s biggest chocolate company. Even today, the town known as Hershey, Pennsylvania, is adorned with streetlights in the shape of Hershey’s Kisses, and over three million visitors tour the Hershey’s world chocolate factory to learn how Milton Hershey made chocolate go from a bean to a bar.

When you view mistakes not as something negative but instead as an opportunity to improve yourself, you’ll be able to devote time and energy into making sure you don’t repeat them. In fact, mentally strong people are often willing to share their mistakes with other people in an effort to help prevent them from making the same mistakes.

In the case of Kristy, she felt enormous relief once she was able to stop yelling at her children every day. She learned that it was normal for her kids to break the rules at times, but she had choices in how she responded. She felt like their home was a much happier place when they weren’t yelling at one another. When Kristy stopped repeating her discipline mistakes and was able to impose effective consequences for her kids, she felt more in control of herself and of her life.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
There are usually many different ways to solve a particular problem. If your current method hasn’t been successful, be open to trying something new. Learning from each mistake requires self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest keys to reaching your full potential.

WHAT’S HELPFUL

Acknowledging your personal responsibility for each mistake
Creating a written plan to prevent repeating the mistake
Identifying triggers and warning signs of old behavior patterns
Practicing self-discipline strategies
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL

Making excuses or refusing to examine your role in the outcome
Responding impulsively without thinking about alternatives
Putting yourself in situations where you are likely to fail
Assuming you can always resist temptation or deciding you’re doomed to keep repeating your mistakes