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Assistant: Title: loss of my life
        Author: lostariels lostariels 
        Chapter: 24/29 
        Summary: “You said it was bad,” Lena managed to hoarsely respond after a beat too long.

  Nodding, Lillian stared up at the ceiling for a moment, her throat bobbing as her lips twisted wryly. “I’m dying. Stage four pancreatic cancer.”

  “How long do you have?”

  “A month, maybe two.”

  “Oh.” 
-Returning home for the first time in twelve years to the news that her mother is dying, the last thing that Lena wants is to run into the childhood best friend she hasn't spoken to since she left Midvale all those years ago. Especially when said friend was the reason Lena swore she'd never go back home again.Still harbouring the sting of teenage love and rejection, as well as the pressure of her unsatisfying career and resentment towards her mother, Lena's life is brought to a halt in her hometown as she's forced to confront years of repressed feelings and the truth about what she really wants out of life while waiting for her mother to die.
        Contents: Chapter 24
    

    


  

  
  
    
    
              It was a quiet night once they’d gotten back to the house, Kara walking silently alongside Lena, both of them stewing in their frustration, their bitterness, and once inside, Lena vanished upstairs to her room. She left Kara to it with her mom and Eliza, lying down beneath the covers and trying to relax her body, focusing on each muscle as she breathed slowly. The urge to cry was building again, and she gritted her teeth, eyes closed to the ceiling, feeling far too tense, too agitated to let go of that feeling in her chest. Kara’s words hit a little too close to home, and then came the shame at her own barbed words, the pettiness of trying to claim the upper hand, to hurt her worse. 
 
              Fumbling for the sleeping pills on the nightstand, Lena swallowed one dry and threw the blankets over her head, itching for sleep to find her quickly. It wasn’t the relief she’d been hoping for, though, sleeping through the evening and waking in the early hours of the morning with the cotton-wool-headed feeling of confusion. Her tongue felt thick in her dry mouth, and she felt the nagging craving for nicotine as her head pounded. She checked her phone, a little after one o’clock, and rolled back onto her back, staring into the dark, the faint glow of a streetlight filtering in through a slit in the curtains. 
 
              She couldn’t get back to sleep, the house quiet and still, and Lena climbed out of bed. Quietly opening the door, she hesitated, intending to creep downstairs and smoke on the front porch and make herself a cup of tea. Instead, she decided to check on her mom first, a faint outline of lamplight around her bedroom door, which wasn’t quite shut. Lena thought it was the hum of the TV at first as she approached, her footsteps muffled by her socks, but as she neared, she realised it was Kara, and the softer, laboured voice was her mom’s. She’d assumed Kara had left, either with Eliza or later on, walking back to collect her car from Noonan’s, leaving Lena alone so she didn’t add fuel to the fire, but apparently, she’d stayed. Whether that was out of necessity, some extra care Kara needed to provide Lillian with towards the end, or because she knew Lena wouldn’t be up to it for the rest of the night, she didn’t know.
 
              Inching closer to the door, Lena slowly opened it a little more and then paused as she caught a snippet of her mother’s faint words. Hesitating, unsure whether she should interrupt or catch the rest of it, she found herself curious. Lillian wasn’t so forthright with her, didn’t help make things easier, both of them butting heads too much, and it wasn’t lost on Lena that they were very close to the end, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever have that talk with her mom. She didn’t know it then, but Lillian would be dead in ten days, so she lingered, hoping to glean 
  
    something
  
   from the conversation.
 
              “-tried … my best, I suppose. But we- we were never very close. I … regret that.”  
 
              “What does that mean, you tried your best?” Kara asked.
 
              She wasn’t unkind, her voice still somewhat gentle, but there was a brusqueness to her words, a directness as she made Lillian spell it out, try to rationalise her actions. As she watched from the half-open door, unseen, Lena knew they were talking about her and felt her stomach swoop with surprise. A surge of adrenaline made her pulse quicken as she eavesdropped, curious about what her mother would say, about what they talked about when they thought Lena wasn’t around. It stung a little to know that Kara could make more headway with Lillian than her own daughter could, but if she managed to overhear some sort of apology, Lena would accept that. Just knowing that her mom cared, that she regretted it, would be enough for her. She just wasn’t prepared to hear something she didn’t like.
 
              “It wasn’t … 
  
    easy.
  
   Boys are easy, girls are … hard. I didn’t- I didn’t 
  
    want 
  
  another child, I didn’t have time for her. I thought … ballet. I loved it; I thought she … might love it too. And she did … at first. It got her out- out of … the way. But then she h-hated it, and now she … hates me.”
 
              “She doesn’t 
  
    hate
  
   you. She has every right to, especially if she knew the truth, but she doesn’t hate you. I think it would make things easier for her if she 
  
    did
  
  , but she just … she resents the life she has, and she’s grieving for the one she 
  
    should’ve 
  
  had.”
 
              “Is that- is that … how 
  
    you
  
   feel?”
 
              “Yes.”
 
              “I don’t … know what- what happened,” her mom breathlessly said. “I mean … she never told me what exactly … went on between you. But I know whatever you said … it’s not what- what kept it going. It’s 
  
    her
  
  , how she is. I … knew that, I knew that 
  
    then
  
  . I don’t know if … she’ll forgive you, or if you can forgive her, but … I want her to be 
  
    happy.
  
   I want her to- to find someone who … loves her. I- I don’t know if that’s what you … want - want with 
  
    her -
  
   but if you do … please help her. I’m- I’m 
  
    sorry.”
  
   
 
              Lena baulked as she listened to her mother apologise to Kara, not understanding what the apology was for, just hurt that she hadn’t received one so freely. If she wanted an apology from Lillian, she was going to have to beg for it, and yet, Kara received one so easily, when she hadn’t endured the harsh childhood Lena had at Lillian’s hands. Anger started to prickle within her, but Lillian was still talking, and Lena remained rooted to the spot, trying not to get upset as she listened.
 
              “I’m sorry for what I … made you do all those- all those years ago. I … put you in an impossible situation. I-”
 
              Dissolving into a weak coughing fit, Lillian struggled to breathe for a minute as Kara helped her sip water through a straw. Apprehensive now, unsure what her mother was saying but knowing it wasn’t something she wanted to hear, Lena couldn’t bring herself to move. Perhaps she should’ve waited to have that talk with her mom, to let her explain herself properly, with the full context of it, but it wouldn’t have mattered. There wouldn’t have been a 
  
    good 
  
  way to explain it. Lena overheard the gist of it and filled in the blanks herself as Kara spoke now.
 
              “You didn’t 
  
    make
  
   me do it - I did it 
  
    myself.
  
   You manipulated me, but I still 
  
    chose
  
   to do what I did, which is exactly what you hoped for. So, no, Lillian, I don’t think she’ll forgive me,” Kara curtly spoke as she set the cup of water down on the nightstand and sank back into the chair. “She already knows 
  
    part
  
   of the truth, the more forgivable part, and even that is too insurmountable for her. I guess it’s going to be too late, but you should’ve told her, though, told her 
  
    everything,
  
   not just about this; she deserves to know, she deserves your apology more than 
  
    I
  
   do. It’s the 
  
    least
  
   you could’ve given her, even if-”
 
              “Deserve to know what?” Lena interrupted, her heart pounding in her chest, palms clammy as dread pooled in her stomach.
 
              She startled them both, Kara’s head whipping around as she half-rose from the chair, Lillian’s chapped lips parting as a strangled breath escaped her. Feeling pale and hollow, Lena looked at her mother with a sickening feeling, as if she was going to vomit, that whatever she’d overhead was going to ruin her. When Lillian didn’t speak, Lena looked to Kara for an explanation, seeing the agonised expression on her old friend’s face, as if pleading for her to understand, to not ask.
 
              “What’s she talking about?” Lena quietly asked.
 
              White-faced and trembling, Kara took an urgent step forward, nervously wringing her hands as her bottom lip wobbled. “I’m sorry.”
 
              Blinking in surprise, Lena’s eyebrows rose a fraction. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach as a pained look crossed her face, preemptively hurt by them both, even though she wasn’t quite sure 
  
    why. 
  
  “What did you do?” she softly asked, her devastation quiet.
 
              “Can we- let’s … talk about it out there. Not here,” Kara pleaded, lowering her voice as she moved closer. “Just- don’t freak out. Not like this. 
  
    Please.
  
  ”
 
              Floundering at Kara’s words, at the fact that she was trying to reason with her, as if Lena’s imminent outburst was unwarranted. A haughtiness stole over Lena, and her expression tightened, anger thinning the corners of her mouth as she gave Kara a hard look.
 
              “No. You’ve both been tiptoeing around it for 
  
    weeks
  
  , so I want to hear it from 
  
    her,”
  
   Lena flatly replied, her attention shifting to her mother. “I want to know what you did. I want to know why 
  
    she
  
   gets an apology from you, but 
  
    I 
  
  don’t.”
 
              “Lena,” Lillian softly sighed, her eyelids shuttering, a drawn look of exhaustion on her face.
 
              At the weary sound of her name from her mother’s lips, Lena’s eyes filled with tears. She didn’t even know 
  
    why
  
  , but the tears came anyway, and she was already angry, already hurt, with the knowledge that her mother was about to wreck her again, leaving her feeling small and vulnerable, as if she were just a kid. Drawing in a shallow breath, hitching in her chest, Lena blinked quickly, trying to keep the tears at bay.
 
  
                “Tell me,”
  
   Lena firmly insisted.
 
              “You already know,” Kara whispered, her eyes on the carpet, meek with shame as she ducked her head, hands anxiously wringing the hem of her scrub shirt.
 
              “Know 
  
    what?”
  
 
              “That I lied to you. When I- when I told you I didn’t feel the same way. That I- I thought you were choosing 
  
    for me
  
  , that 
  
    you
  
   were lying to
  
     me. 
  
  That’s the half of it you already know, that you won’t forgive me for.”
 
              Swallowing thickly, Lena raised her eyebrows expectedly. “And the rest of it?”
 
  
                “I 
  
  made her do it,” Lillian wearily admitted.
 
              The silence that filled the room was deafening as Lena didn’t speak, rooted to the spot, her shoulders slumped, and her face pale. After a long moment, waiting for a reaction from her, Lena opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. She floundered for a few seconds longer, mouth opening and closing, before she pressed her lips into a flat line and nodded. Her face revealed nothing; she could make it impressively blank, completely expressionless. Without a single word, she turned, gripping the edge of the door as she exited the bedroom.
 
              “Lena, 
  
    wait,” 
  
  Kara quietly pleaded as she followed after her.
 
              For a moment, Lena considered shutting herself in her room. She could go back to bed and deal with it in the morning, or pack her things and be done with it all. But she suddenly realised, 
  
    remembered, 
  
  how much she hated being in that 
  
    awful
  
   house, how heavy it made her chest feel as she walked the length of the landing and then veered towards the stairs.
 
              Kara caught her at the top step, grabbing Lena’s arm as she tried to pull her to a stop, and that finally elicited a response. Lena didn’t even know she was already crying, no sobs making her chest heave, just a stream of silent tears wetting her cheeks as she roughly tore her arm free, her voice a quiet snarl as she spoke, shoulders tense as she refused to turn.
 
  
                “Don’t you fucking touch me.”
  
 
              Letting go of her in an instant, Kara darted around her, blocking the way down as she held her hands up, trying to keep Lena at bay. She had tears in her eyes, too, her chin already wobbling as she tearfully begged.
 
              “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please just- let me explain. 
  
    Please.”
  
 
              Forced to a stop, staring at her as the whole world seemed to pitch, her breaths feeling too shallow, the edges of her vision blurring as her head pounded with anger, Lena managed to speak. It took everything in her to retain that blank composure, her voice wavering slightly with hurt and anger, but she managed.
 
              “Is it true?”
 
              “Yes, but-“
 
              “Kara,” Lena cut her off, closing her eyes as she wiped her cheeks on her sleeve, tasting the tears now, feeling them settle in the corners of her mouth. “Go fuck yourself.”
 
              She heard the way Kara’s breath caught in her throat, the soft whimper of a plea she couldn’t voice, shouldering past her with little resistance until Kara’s feet thundered after her on the steps. Drawing in shallow breaths, trying not to cry, Kara’s voice was gravelly and uneven as she refused to let her go.
 
              “Wait. 
  
    Please.
  
   Fuck, will you- just 
  
    wait
  
  . At least let me 
  
    explain-”
  
 
              Around the switchback of the stairs, Lena came to an abrupt halt, turning with a dangerous look on her face as Kara suddenly stopped, hand braced against the wall, the other on the bannister, her face a wreck as her lips parted in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting Lena to listen - which she wasn’t, Lena having no intention of letting her 
  
    explain -
  
   and in the split-second of angry silence, Kara drew in a quick breath to speak, to reason with her, when the sound of something smashing came from upstairs. Kara’s head whipped around to glance upstairs, while Lena winced, thinking about what her mom was doing - or rather, 
  
    trying
  
   to do - and there was a brief hesitation, both of them torn between going upstairs or leaving and trying to explain. 
 
              After a second, Kara quietly swore, covering her face with a hand as she bowed her head, before she turned and rushed upstairs. Lena’s face rippled with pain, and while she’d expected Kara to go to Lillian, to do the job she was paid for, to spare Lena having to go upstairs and help her herself, it still stung. It wasn’t a test, but Kara chose not to chase after her, not to explain herself after all, so Lena silently walked the rest of the way downstairs, taking her coat off the hook, grabbing her mom’s keys from the hallway console and shoving her feet into the first pair of shoes she felt. Kara’s Crocs.
 
              By the time Kara came downstairs two minutes later, blotchy-faced and breathless with panic, Lena was at the end of the street, turning right as she drove recklessly fast on the icy road, desperate to put some distance between herself and the house. It was a relief that Kara didn’t have her Jeep parked out front, that she couldn’t follow after her, not that Lena was sure she would, even though Kara was pacing the front porch, fistfuls of hair in her hands as she quietly sobbed in the darkness of the early morning, trying to figure out 
  
    how
  
   to get to her.  
 
              Alone in the Mercedes, Lena blew straight through the centre of Midvale and headed east. She didn’t know what else to do; all of her things were left behind in the house, including her passport, but she needed to go 
  
    somewhere
  
  . Her crying was no longer silent, quiet sobs leaving her breathless as tears streamed down her cheeks, still numb with the shock of it all. In some regard, it was nothing new, nothing but the same controlling behaviour her mom had exhibited throughout Lena’s childhood, and she wondered if she would’ve expected that, but she wouldn’t have expected it from 
  
    Kara.
  
   It made sense, of course, but Lena had always been so isolated from any sort of normal life, so insecure and vulnerable with Kara because she was all she had, that when Kara had rejected her, it had made sense to Lena. She’d said it before, but she was the one who was never loved best by anyone, so she hadn't questioned it at all, had only been hurt and spiteful in response. But now, she wondered if she should’ve known better. But how could she have?
 
              It was raining, the wipers scraping across the windshield as she sobbed in silence, the radio shut off, nothing but the rumbling engine and the wind as she sped down the dark, tree-lined highway. But she was getting herself worked up, chest rising and falling quickly, not getting enough air as a nauseous feeling made her stomach lurch. She had to abruptly pull over on the side of the highway, brake lights flaring red as she jolted against the seatbelt, scrambling to unbuckle it and get the door open. She practically fell out of the car, stumbling over to the verge, where asphalt gave way to packed earth, the side of the road rimed with ice as Lena braced a hand on her thigh and pulled her hair out of her face with the other. 
 
              Stomach heaving, she was sick, once, twice, feverishly hot as her face and back broke out in a sweat. Coughing and spluttering as the sour taste of bile worked its way up her throat, Lena drew in jagged breaths, retching again until her stomach stopped roiling. The cold air dried the sweat and tears on her face quickly, and she moved back over to the car, leaning against the side of it, head tipped back, until she started to shiver from the brisk wind coming in off the ocean. Jerking the door back open, she collapsed heavily into the driver’s seat and buckled herself back in, wiping her face with her coat sleeve and starting the engine again. 
 
              Fresh tears stung her eyes, sliding down blotchy cheeks as she remained parked on the verge, and Lena gritted her teeth as anger filled her. Anger at 
  
    herself
  
  . She should’ve known coming home would only bring bad things, that it wouldn’t be fulfilling or vindicating. She’d been stupid to even come back at all, let alone stay so long, allowing herself to slip back into feelings she’d spent half of her trying to convince herself she didn’t feel. All those years in London and it had never gone away, not 
  
    fully
  
  , and now she’d let them make a fool of her 
  
    again.
  
   Running a hand over her face, trying to calm down, trying to stop the tears that just kept coming, she couldn’t catch her breath properly, getting more and more frustrated with herself.
 
              Gripping the wheel in white-knuckled hands, she rested her forehead against the backs of them as tears dripped onto her lap. “Stop it, stop it, stop crying,” she whispered to herself, eyes screwed shut, the words coming out strangled with pain.
 
              She wiped her face on her coat sleeve again, clenching her jaw to stop her chin from wobbling, needing a distraction, needing something to make it stop. Lena needed a drink, needed a cigarette, needed drugs, just 
  
    anything
  
   to help put a stop to how she was feeling, something to mask it all. The Ambien Kara had taken from her room would’ve been perfect, knocking her out with very little awareness, and she might not have even minded if she walked into the sea and never came back out, but the best Lena could do then was alcohol. Except it was two o’clock in the morning, the liquor store closed, bars and restaurants shut, maybe one or two places still open if she was lucky, so Lena knew anything hard was off the table. Still, anything was better than nothing, so she put the car into drive and pulled back onto the highway.
  
  
                Spring Break was the last time Lena would be in Midvale for twelve years, but she didn’t know it at the time, stepping off the plane just before lunchtime, a later flight than usual eating into a chunk of her first day off. She had her duffel and a palpable air of relief, as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Meeting Kara’s hug with an air of excitement about her, Lena held her tightly, feeling as if everything was finally working out. She was home for two weeks, and then she’d be gone for the last time, graduating and finally giving it all up. In her duffel, she had a stack of opened envelopes stamped with the names of Ivy League colleges and other top-ranking schools in America, every single one of them holding an early acceptance letter for her. 
  
 
  
                If Lena had known how it was all going to turn out, she might’ve told Kara about them then, as she climbed into her best friend’s car, and saved them the miscommunication that was to come. If Lena had known how it was going to turn out, she might not have come home at all, not until summer, when she would’ve been free to pack her bags and move out of her mother’s house. Instead, she sat on it, not wanting to spoil it by blurting it out. She wanted to tell Kara how she 
  
  really
  
     felt and then let her see the letters, and they could map out their future 
  
  together
  
    . 
  
 
  
                After a few years of her feelings growing and changing, deeper than she ever could have anticipated from that budding crush in her pre-teen years, Lena had to know, she had to tell her, even if it made her stomach lurch with nervousness. It had all been so secretive, so casual and timid, nothing labelled, nothing said, just the two of them fooling around when they were both home, but it was so much more than that to Lena. And in her heart, she told herself that Kara felt that way too, that she 
  
  must’ve
  
     felt something, that she hadn’t made it all up. Lena was prepared to bite the bullet and tell her best friend she loved her, under the assumption that Kara loved her too, that she wasn’t going to face the sting of rejection, because Kara would never hurt her. 
  
 
  
                She wanted to do it straight away, but she didn’t want to mess it up, needed to pluck up the courage and plan what she was going to say, how she was going to do it. And she had to go home first, her mom already home, with it being the weekend, and Lena barely said hello as she went upstairs, dropping off her duffel and then heading straight back down to the yellow Excel parked out front, waiting for her. Lillian let her go, but not before telling her daughter to be home early, a car coming for her in the morning to take her to her lessons with Cat. Rolling her eyes, Lena, didn’t even argue; she could put up with it for the next two weeks, just like she could put up with school for another term, going through the motions, just like she’d gone through the audition process for 
  
  Manon
  
    , despite knowing she’d never need to take the part. Perhaps it was arrogant of her, and dismissive, to know she’d be the first pick for it and that she could so easily turn it down, not interested in the slightest, when her fellow students fought tooth and nail for roles, but all Lena could think about was quitting.
  
 
  
                The rest of the afternoon was spent driving around with Kara, stopping for milkshakes at 
  
  Big Belly Burger,
  
     Lena pretending to sip most of hers, her stomach churning with that familiar panicked feeling over what she was putting in her body, something that she told herself would go away once she quit ballet. It went deeper than that, though, and she didn’t anticipate that she’d be struggling with it in twelve years time, worse off than she’d even been, even if she was trying to get better. Back then, it just felt like another thing that would be over soon, her low self-esteem, the anxiety of living up to the unrealistic expectations put upon her, the unhealthy dependency on the only person she felt cared about her, the aches and pains, all of it tied up together and soon to be gone for good. 
  
 
  
                With that came a different kind of anxiety, the clammy fear of disappointing people, of making her mom mad, of finding out she was no good in college, that her dreams would never become reality. As sunset blanketed Midvale, the mild warmth of spring offering up clear weather and pretty views over the rolling sea as they sat on the damp sand of the beach, talking, Lena couldn’t bring herself to tell Kara then. As eager as she was to give it all up, it had been her entire life, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t frightened about the future. That didn’t mean she didn’t want it, it didn’t mean that it was going to be 
  
  bad,
  
     but so far she’d lived a life that had been dictated by her mom’s choices, Lena allowed little say in the matter, forced to suck it up and be grateful for the obscene amount of money spent on making her the best, providing everything for her. The freedom to choose for herself was daunting, and Lena was rather quiet that night, dodging Kara’s questions, feeling that hum of excitement in her chest as she gave her wavering smiles, shy kisses, trying to reassure herself that it would be okay, that she should tell her.
  
 
  
                Kara dropped her home before her curfew with no surprises spilling out of Lena, and she went inside with the knowledge that she had two weeks to tell her, that she had plenty of time, and maybe it 
  
  would
  
     be better to wait until the last day. If she waited to tell Kara, it wouldn’t be awkward between them if Lena confessed her secret feelings for her and got shot down, it wouldn’t be 
  
  embarrassing
  
     if she were on a plane to London the next day. Getting ready for bed, Lena was distracted as she talked herself into patience, into delaying it, brushing her teeth and rifling through her drawers for one of Kara’s shirts to sleep in, changing without a door for privacy, that ‘privilege’ still not reinstated. Perhaps if she’d been paying closer attention, she would’ve noticed that all of her dirty laundry had been taken out of her duffel by her mom, washing leotards and tights, wraps and skirts and leggings for the lessons ahead, and that the stack of envelopes had been taken out, read through and put back in the side pocket she’d assumed her mom wouldn’t look in.
  
 
  
                She wasn’t to know the next day that Kara would be at the hospital, dropping off a coffee for her mom after the morning shift at 
  
  Noonan’s
  
    , and that Lillian would spot her there and spin a lie that would hurt the two girls, just so she could get what she wanted. And Lena wasn’t even 
  
  there;
  
     she was at Cat’s house, bored as she repetitively danced through routines and movements, talking about school and auditions with her old mentor, giving nothing away. 
  
 
  
                At the general hospital, Lillian was standing in the doorway to Eliza’s office, making idle chitchat with her colleague, when she caught sight of her daughter’s best friend at the end of the hallway. It wasn’t that Lillian didn’t 
  
  like
  
     the girl, because Kara was likeable enough, she was just an unwanted distraction, unfocused, undisciplined, too lax in her demeanour, although smart enough if what Eliza told her about her studies was to be believed. But she had no ambition, wasn’t 
  
  great
  
     at anything, and that was the exact sort of person Lillian didn’t want around Lena. She’d tried, admittedly not very hard, to keep them apart as much as possible, but her snooping the night before had lit a fire under her, knowing that the idea of 
  
  college applications
  
     could only have come from one person, Lena too easily influenced by the girl. She hadn’t even been intending to do it, but it was an opportune moment to ensure that her daughter didn’t stray from the plan Lillian had set for her, worked hard to achieve.
  
 
  
                “And how are the girls?” Lillian changed the topic, nursing her coffee as she leaned against the doorway.
  
 
  
                “Oh, good, good, you know how it is,” Eliza sighed, waving a hand in an airy fashion as she rolled her eyes. “I love having them both home, but I forget about how much noise and mess they make. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. And Lena? She got back yesterday?”
  
 
  
                “Yes, she’s off to one of her lessons today. She doesn’t stop, even when she’s home, so I barely notice when she 
  
  is
  
     home, but still, I’ll miss her after this break. I think that’ll be the last time she’s home for the holidays for a while, what with her graduating this summer. She just had her audition for Manon - it’ll be her first performance as a principal dancer - so she’s nervous about getting the part.”
  
 
  
                “That’s wonderful, Lillian. You must be so proud of her.”
  
 
  
                “Very proud. She’s a good girl, she works so hard at it. I think she’s a bit wary of staying in London though; it’s different when you’re at school, but I think she finds it daunting to have her own apartment.”
  
 
  
                “Oh. So, it’s all settled then?”
  
 
  
                “Almost. I’ll be taking some leave once she graduates to help her find a place. I just- well, she was frantic last night; I actually wanted to talk to you about that,” Lillian casually steered the conversation as she prepared to lay the groundwork, aware that Kara was standing not even ten feet away, eavesdropping. Keeping her pale stare trained on Eliza, Lillian pretended she hadn’t noticed the girl from the corner of her eye as she hesitated and then forged onwards.
  
 
  
                “You see, I- well, I’m not sure how 
  
  honest
  
     she’s been with Kara. It sounded to me like Lena might have … 
  
  misled
  
     her a bit, made her think that she’d be going to college with her. Of course, she’s very smart, could have her pick of any college, I’m sure, and I’d be so proud, no matter what, but … she wants to stay in London, and I don’t think she’s told Kara that. I just- you know how it is with girls; I don’t want Lena to upset her, and I don’t want 
  
  her
  
     to feel upset if Kara wasn’t supportive of her decision. She’s been having a hard time trying to pluck up the courage to tell her, poor thing.”
  
 
  
                “Well, like you said, with how it is with girls, I don’t even know 
  
  what’s
  
     going on with my two half of the time. Not for a lack of trying, that’s for sure,” Eliza sighed. “But I can’t imagine Kara would be unsupportive of Lena’s decision. They’re … very close. I’ve always been glad that Lena’s been such a good 
  
  friend
  
     to Kara, but … have you ever thought that maybe the two of them … I mean, they’re 
  
  awfully
  
     close, so sometimes I wonder …”
  
 
  
                Lillian didn’t respond, and whether that gave off the impression that she was oblivious to her daughter’s relationship with Kara, or that she misunderstood Eliza’s line of thinking, she didn’t care, but she wouldn’t confirm what was being alluded to either. Clearing her throat, Eliza shifted in her chair.
  
 
  
                “Does Lena ever talk to you about boys?” she tried a different avenue.
  
 
  
                With a small laugh, Lillian smiled wryly. “I mean, she’s a teenager, so I’m the 
  
  last
  
     person she wants to talk about anything personal with. She’s always texting, though; it’s hard to get her to look up from her phone. I assume it must be some sort of boyfriend in London. I overheard her on the phone with him when she was home for Christmas - Jack, I think his name is. Honestly, I’m relieved. She’s never been very social, what with the homeschooling and ballet, so I’m glad if she’s got someone waiting for her in London.”
  
 
  
                “Mm. I wish I could say the same. Alex seems 
  
  fine
  
    , but Kara … God, I have no 
  
  clue
  
     what she’s feeling most of the time. And she’s 
  
  happy!
  
     She’s such a happy girl, but I don’t know if that’s all a front, because she seems so unbothered and uninterested in anything at all - well, except surfing. All I could get out of Alex is she’s been spending time with one of the local boys - James Olsen - but I’m not even sure to what extent, and I don’t want to 
  
  ask
  
     her, because you know how sensitive they can be-”
  
            
  
                “Oh, hi, Doctor Luthor,” Kara suddenly interrupted.
  
 
  
                Even though Lillian knew she was there, she was still genuinely surprised by the intrusion, jumping ever so slightly as she glanced over her shoulder, eyebrows rising a fraction as she took in Kara’s pink cheeks. Apparently, now that the topic had turned to her mom gossiping about her potential love life with coworkers, Kara was happy to interrupt, looking vaguely embarrassed and definitely upset, even though she valiantly tried to hide it.
  
 
  
                “Sorry, I’ll leave you both to it,” Lillian said, feigning to glance down at her watch to check the time. “I only came to pick up some documents, and here I am, chit-chatting. I’ll see you tomorrow, Eliza. Bye, Kara.”
  
 
  
                Giving her a quick smile, Lillian stepped away from the door and moved to her office, unlocking it with a key and spending a good five minutes rifling through drawers and files, pretending she’d come to fetch something. With an empty manila folder in hand, she locked up her office again, giving Eliza a quick nod as she passed by her open door, and then walked towards the exit, stepping through the sliding doors and making a beeline for the Audi parked in her spot. Behind the wheel, she backed out of her spot and passed by the yellow Hyundai Excel parked in the near-empty lot, catching sight of Kara sitting behind the wheel with a vacant expression on her face. 
  
 
  
                There was the faintest stab of guilt, a flicker of pity for the girl as she so readily believed Lillian’s lies fed to her mother. Lillian had known that no matter 
  
  how
  
     she fed the lies to Kara, they would have to seem accidental, that the girl wasn’t stupid, and that short of outright asking her to convince Lena to stay in London, it wouldn’t work. And even then, if Lillian believed there was more to their friendship than she wanted to, hoping nothing more had come of the kiss three years ago, she knew that Kara would prioritise what Lena wanted over what Lillian wanted for her. She had to sow seeds of doubt, had to flip the truth Lena had evidently told Kara and make them seem like lies told to appease her best friend. 
  
 
  
                And she didn’t even feel bad doing it, knowing it was what was best for her daughter, that all of her hard work wouldn’t be ruined over some ridiculous crush. If there was one thing Lillian hated, it was a woman giving up her dreams for a relationship. She wouldn’t let her daughter make a fool of herself. Instead, she’d ruin the lives of two people and tell herself she’d done the right thing. It would be twelve years before she would come to regret that decision.
  
  
              She pulled over at the bright lights of the 7-Eleven, turning off the road and parking haphazardly before killing the engine and stumbling out with desperation. Her cheeks were still wet, face blotchy and eyes red as she stormed towards the automatic doors with a sense of urgency, stepping into the harsh fluorescent lighting and bypassing the aisles of chips and candy for the small selection of wine. Opting for a red, needing something strong to do the trick, she grabbed a bottle of the red blend, not caring about wine types right then, and carried her bottle up to the counter. 
 
              Wiping her face on the sleeve of her coat, she hoarsely asked for a pack of Marlboro Reds as well, drawing out a crumpled handful of cash from her coat pocket, praying she had enough with her. If she had to pick between alcohol or cigarettes, she would’ve taken the cheapest booze available right then, but she wanted the comfort of nicotine, the routine of sparking a lighter and that first lungful of smoke, something to distract herself with. Fortunately, she had enough for both, the wine relatively cheap, and a 20-pack set down on the counter by the young guy manning the night shift. She needed a lighter as well, reaching for another plastic blue BIC amongst the assortment of colours before hesitating. Since she’d started smoking, she’d always had a blue lighter, using it until there was no fuel left, replacing it with an identical plastic blue lighter, replacing it again and again for fifteen years with the exact same one, in the exact shade of Kara’s favourite colour. Even now, she couldn’t bring herself to choose a different colour, faltering but ultimately picking it up. She didn’t wait for her change, just picked up her items and stalked out of the store.
 
              Back in the car, she started the engine and set the bottle of wine down on the passenger seat, reversing out of her bay and pulling back onto the highway, heading east as she fumbled with the cellophane of the Marlboros. Clumsily working a cigarette free, she wound down the windows, frigid air blasting in with stinging raindrops as she steered one-handed, cigarette clamped between her lips as she lit it with her other hand. Her hand shook, and her jaw did too from the sheer effort it was taking for her to not cry again, following the road deeper into Montauk. She wasn’t reckless enough to open the bottle of wine then, even though no one else was about, the hour growing later and the winter nightlife nonexistent as the weather drove everyone indoors. 
 
              Making her way to that spot overlooking the cliffs and the short drop down into the rough sea below, Lena parked up and killed the engine. The wine was a screw top and she wedged the bottle between her thighs, trying to uncap it single handedly as she took a drag of her cigarette, struggling too much until she had to clamp the butt between her lips again and twist the cap off with both hands. Exhaling smoke out the window, she raised the bottle of wine to her lips and drank deeply until she needed to stop for a breath. It tasted cheap, a little sour, but it would do the trick, so she drank again and then took another drag of her cigarette, finishing off one and lighting up another, tossing the butts out the window as she dusted her lap with ash.
 
              As she smoked and drank, the rain grew heavier, washing ice from the streets, and she had to wind the window up, sitting in the hazy interior of the Mercedes as she exhaled more and more smoke, letting the smell of it work its way into the leather. What did it matter now? Her mom would be dead soon anyway, wasn’t going to drive her Mercedes ever again, and Lena didn’t care what happened to it when she left. It could rust in the driveway while the house rotted as far as she was concerned. Stewing in her anger and bitterness, the hurt and confusion and embarrassment, all of it a crushing weight to bear, Lena drank her way through the entire bottle of wine and smoked all twenty of her Marlboro Reds, her throat scratchy and her mouth sour, eyes gritty and sore with how red they were, from the repetitive wiping away of her tears as she’d let out gut wrenching sobs for the better part of two hours. 
 
              She’d eventually cried herself into a light sleep as she listened to the rain batter the roof and hood, hugging the empty bottle to herself as she huddled for warmth in the dark interior of the car, the chill finding its way inside with no insulation. It was a little after four when a car pulled up beside her, oblivious to its arrival as she dozed, until there was a knock on the fogged-up window, startling her awake as Lena looked around, straightening from her slumped posture as she realised she was in the car. Her mind felt slow, the wine working as she’d intended, and it took her a moment to process everything. Her face felt tight, eyes sore and gritty, and she rubbed a hand across them, jumping again at another knock.
 
              Heart hammering in her chest, Lena turned the keys partway in the ignition and then reached for the button, winding the window down a crack and wincing as a bright light shone into her eyes as she reached a hand up to shield them, letting out a soft hiss of annoyance. Blinking away white spots, Lena fought to clear her throat, her mouth so dry, the sour taste of wine and staleness of tobacco coating her tongue.
 
              “Can you turn that off?” she snapped.
 
              “Can you roll the window down a bit more?” Alex’s voice drifted in through the inch gap.
 
  
                “Why?”
  
 
              “An APB was put out on this car.”
 
              Lena scoffed, rubbing her brow as she smiled thinly. “Yeah, I’m not doing this.”
 
              Reaching for the button, Lena rolled the window up, cutting off Alex’s response, and closed her eyes as she sank back into the seat. She could still see the glow of the flashlight through her eyelids before it went dark a moment later, a flicker of relief leading to Lena letting her hackles down, drunk and oddly vacant as she wearily slumped in the driver’s seat. 
 
              Hearing the crunch of gravel underfoot, she assumed Alex was leaving until the passenger door to the Mercedes was jerked open. Eyes flying open as she stiffened in her seat, instantly on edge, Lena scowled as she watched Alex pick up the empty pack of cigarettes and climb inside. Heavily sighing as she settled down, shutting the door after herself, she stuffed the empty pack in the centre console and stared straight ahead as Lena gave her a hard look, surprised by her audacity.
 
              “What are you doing?”
 
              “What the hell are 
  
    you
  
   doing?” Alex countered, turning to look at her. “Why did I get a call from my sister in the middle of the fucking night to do a 
  
    wellness check
  
   on you?”
 
              “Tell your sister to mind her business,” Lena snapped.
 
              She clenched her jaw, rubbing her tired eyes, feeling out of sorts as the wine made her head feel heavy, everything a little hollow, a little muffled. Still, she was upset, could feel the bite of pain, the singular bottle she’d drunk not enough to blot it out, only dim it. Her throat constricted, and she put her head in her hands, dark hair spilling around her face.
 
              “Right, well, whatever happened, that’s your business. I can see you’re upset, so how about you let me take you home?”
 
              “I don’t want to go home,” Lena quickly replied, her voice hoarse, laced with insistence as a muscle twitched in her jaw.
 
              “Right, it’s just, well, you’re in no state to drive, obviously, and there’s a parking restriction in the area, so you can’t sleep in the car. You have a couple of options; I can either take you home, or I could book you for being behind the wheel while intoxicated.”
 
              “I’m not 
  
    driving.”
  
 
              “Doesn’t matter,” Alex shrugged, “the law doesn’t specify a moving vehicle. I’d prefer not to do that, obviously, but I also don’t want to leave you out here like … this. Unless you had something else planned?”
 
              Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena leaned against the car door, eyes closed as her lips twitched with wry amusement. “Yeah, I might- I might drive the car off the cliff, actually. There’s always- there’s always 
  
    that
  
   option.”
 
              “Okay, well, I’m going to pretend you 
  
    didn’t 
  
  say that; otherwise, I’d be required to have you put under a seventy-two-hour watch at the local hospital, and, honestly, I don’t know if your mom has three days left for you to waste under suicide watch.”
 
              Shrugging, Lena’s mouth twisted with contempt. “Do it. See if I care. With a bit of luck, I’ll miss her death and can get the hell out of this shithole.”
 
              “Right,” Alex murmured.
 
              Raking a hand through her hair, Lena blew the air out of her lungs. “Got any cigarettes?”
 
              “No, sorry, I’m more of a social smoker.”
 
              Nodding, her mouth turning down at the corners with dismay, Lena sniffed, leaning her head back against the headrest. It was quiet for a long minute, the tension heavy as the silence became uncomfortable. It wasn’t that Lena didn’t like Alex; she just didn’t know her 
  
    that well. 
  
  She’d always been Kara’s older sister, who’d been nice to her but had never been 
  
    Lena’s 
  
  friend. She could’ve used one of those right about now.
 
              “So … what are we doing?” Alex eventually asked.
 
              “I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”
 
              A sudden laugh escaped Lena, and she gripped the steering wheel, her head tipped back, eyes closed as a smile crossed her face. It wasn’t funny, none of it was funny, but she started laughing and she couldn’t stop. Alex watched her with an apprehensive look on her face, circles beneath her wary, brown eyes as she waited for Lena to stop, but she didn’t, her laughter uneven and slightly hoarse. And then it hitched in her throat, and her breaths turned shallow, laughter dissolving into ragged sobs as she leaned forward, forehead to the back of her hands as she gripped the top of the steering wheel, falling apart again.
 
              “Are you having a mental breakdown?” Alex hesitantly asked. 
  
    “Should 
  
  I take you to the hospital?”
 
              “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Lena softly babbled through her quiet sobs, eyes screwed shut as she gritted her teeth, trying to stop the tears as they fell into her lap, dotting the nylon of her coat. “I’m okay, I’m- I’m fine, I just- I don’t want to be here. I want it to- to be over.”
 
              Gingerly patting her shoulder, unsure how to comfort her, Alex grimaced. “I know how it feels. When I lost my dad, I felt so 
  
    angry.”
  
 
              Choking on a laugh, her head still ducked down as she wiped her nose, Lena sniffed. “No offence, Alex, but this- this isn’t the same 
  
    at all.”
  
 
              “Maybe not, but you still need to let people help you. Otherwise, you’ll be worse off. So, what can I do to help you?”
 
              Sobbing for a minute, embarrassed by the whole thing but unable to stop as she tried to draw in deep, gasping breaths, wiping her face on her sleeves, sniffing as she wished she had some tissues, her face a mess, Lena tried her hardest to stifle it all so she could respond with some sort of bite, could push away someone else without seeming like she was a pathetic mess. Eventually, she managed to raise her head, still holding onto the wheel, her head pounding with a headache and not 
  
    nearly
  
   enough wine in her to help with how she was feeling, and looked at Alex, raising an eyebrow as she spoke, her voice gravelly and thick.
 
              “You want to- to help? You can take me to 7-Eleven and- and buy me some cigarettes.”
 
              Alex stared at her for a moment, her expression inscrutable, before she nodded, pragmatic in her approach as she opened the passenger side door. “Sure, I can do that. Switch with me.”
 
              She climbed out of the car and Lena felt weak with relief as she thought of more wine, of another pack of cigarettes to pass the remainder of the night, even though they were into the early hours of the morning, dawn still hours away as they lingered in winter, but morning all the same. Climbing over the centre console with her empty bottle of wine in hand, she shut the door and set the bottle between her feet, fumbling with the belt as she buckled herself in, while Alex rounded the bonnet and climbed into the vacated driver’s seat. She settled in and started the engine, headlights cutting through the darkness, catching the surface of rough waves rolling in, and backed them away from the cliffside, leaving the police cruiser behind.
 
              In the quietness of the car, Lena started to cry again, or perhaps continued - she wasn’t sure whether she’d actually stopped, but it was silent this time - wiping her cheeks as she drew in soft, hitching breaths, while Alex pretended that she wasn’t. The wine still hummed in her veins, making her so very, very tired and morose, and she closed her eyes, leaning against the car door as Alex put the heating on, warm air pumping through the vents, making her feel even sleepier. She was too out of it to realise that was Alex’s intention, that she drove back down the highway and turned off, driving straight through Montauk and onto the back road hugging the bay, the complete opposite way to 7-Eleven. 
 
              And on the way, Lena’s eyes grew too heavy to keep open as she fell asleep, her hitching breaths petering out into deep, even ones as Alex drove her home to Lillian’s house, pulling the Mercedes into the driveway just before five-thirty, parking beside the white Volvo that had been there since three o’clock. The lights were on in Lillian’s room, but the downstairs was dark as Alex eased the door open and softly shut it before rounding the car to open Lena’s. Reaching across the sleeping woman, she unbuckled her and then crouched slightly as she got Lena’s arm around her shoulders and hauled her out of the car. Mumbling incoherently as her lashes fluttered, Lena made a sound of complaint as she got her feet under her, not quite awake but cooperative as Alex pushed the door shut and then towed Lena towards the front porch, staggering up the few steps and then letting them inside.
 
              She couldn’t get her further than the sofa, knowing the stairs would be too big an ordeal for Alex to even want to try, tired and exasperated but pitying too, so she led Lena into the living room and deposited her onto the sofa. Taking off Lena’s shoes, recognising them as her sister’s awful Crocs, Alex picked up her legs and manoeuvred her into a more comfortable position, looking up as a shadowy figure appeared in the open archway of the living room.
 
              “Is she okay?” Kara quietly asked, brimming with anxiety as she crossed over to the sofa.
 
              “Just too much to drink. She cried for a bit and then fell asleep on the way home,” Alex wearily explained, straightening up. “She’ll be fine.”
 
              Nodding, Kara swallowed thickly, her eyes mournful and full of guilt as she looked at the ghostly face of the woman she’d hurt all over again, feeling tears sting her eyes as she brushed past her sister. Looming over Lena, she carefully unzipped her coat and worked her arms out, Lena shifting and mumbling nothings, and then unfolded the blanket from the back of the sofa, draping it over her and tucking her in. She adjusted the pillows too, trying to make her as comfortable as she could, before smoothing her hair out of her face, her fingers lingering slightly on Lena’s cheek as she felt a painful ache in her chest.
 
              When she straightened up, she caught her sister looking at her, hands in the pockets of her jacket, eyebrows drawn together in a frown. “What happened?”
 
              “She got upset. Something- something her mom said.”
 
              Her voice wavered slightly, perhaps betraying that there was more to it than that. Alex noticed, of course, concern flashing through her as she studied her sister, seeing that she was worried, upset maybe, and hesitating momentarily before she replied.
 
              “Oh. Are 
  
    you
  
   okay?”
 
              “I don’t want to talk about it.”'
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
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