# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

::	::
# If you think we're on the run?

::	::
# We are the boys who will stop your little game

::	::
# We are the boys who will make you think again

::	::
# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

::	::
# If you think old England's done?

::	::
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 

::	::
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

::	::
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

::	::
# If you think old England's done? #

::	::
PEN NIB SCRATCHES

::	::
Aren't you feeling very well?

::	::
What? I... I've got a slight headache.

::	::
SCRATCHING AGAIN

::	::
Frank, do you really have to make all that noise?

::	::
I've to do the ledgers. You know Mainwaring is fussy.

::	::
Yes, but couldn't you do it more quietly?

::	::
Use another nib or something.

::	::
It's the only nib I've got.

::	::
They're difficult to get. There's a war on!

::	::
Yes! Yes!

::	::
Your headache is your fault. You go home after I've gone to bed and you return for breakfast before I'm up.

::	::
I come to eat. Your mother gets my ration.

::	::
But I never hear you leave or hear you come back in the morning.

::	::
Yes, well I... You see, I let myself in and out very quietly.

::	::
You never do anything else quietly.

::	::
Frank, would you please stop! Just stop it will you. Stop. Stop.

::	::
Do you know your trouble, Uncle Arthur? You don't get enough sleep.

::	::
Tonight I'm going to make sure you leave our house before I go to bed. SLAMS LEDGER SHUT

::	::
-Morning, Wilson. Pike.

-Good morning, sir.

::	::
-What's that, sir?

-A new door for my office.

::	::
-How lovely.

-Do you realise, Wilson,

::	::
it's months since the bank was bombed. I don't know how often I've applied for a new door. Red tape!

::	::
Get down, Pike. Pike, get down. Get down.

::	::
-Have you got my name-plate?

-Yes, it's here.

::	::
-Ah, look at this, Wilson.

-Mmm?

::	::
-My name in glittering gold letters.

-Oh!

::	::
Can't wait to put it in its place on the door.

::	::
Well, it is rather a plain door.

::	::
-Mmm?

-Oh that isn't the actual door.

::	::
-Oh.

-The door's inside.

::	::
-They probably put that case on to protect the panelling.

-Oh, I see, yes, Mmm!

::	::
I mean they wouldn't give me, Manager of the bank, a plywood one. Do use your intelligence, Wilson.

::	::
-Take the paper off.

-Paper? This is the door.

::	::
-But it's made of paper?

-Tar paper to be exact. Standard issue replacement in bombed offices.

::	::
-I can't screw my name-plate onto a paper door.

-You could stick it on.

::	::
That's enough, boy. Be quiet. Get back to the counter.

::	::
This is monstrous. I'll complain.

::	::
-Don't go on at me. Do you want it up or not?

-Oh very well, yes.

-Right.

::	::
How can I interview clients behind that door?

::	::
-They use paper doors in Japan.

-What's that got to do with it?

-I've really no idea.

::	::
-How can anybody knock on it?

-You could say, "Don't knock, cough."

::	::
I'm not having people coughing and spluttering outside my door.

::	::
Just a minute.

::	::
-It's got holes in it. What are these holes?

-Don't worry about that. I'll fix that.

::	::
Got any stamp paper? Sure, hang on.

::	::
Here. Ta.

::	::
There we are, good as new, eh?

::	::
I can't have white spots on the door.

::	::
You're a fussy little fellow!

::	::
That suit?

::	::
-Come in the office, Wilson.

-Right.

::	::
-I must speak to those cleaners.

-Yes.

::	::
-Mr Mainwaring, the Colonel's outside.

-Tell him I shan't be long.

-Yes, sir.

::	::
-On the subject of tidiness, you need a hair cut.

-I never get around to it.

::	::
I know you think you look like Anthony Eden, but you're my Clerk

::	::
-and my Sergeant.

-Heavens, look.

-What?

::	::
Look at it.

::	::
Morning.

::	::
-You set fire to my door.

-Excuse me.

::	::
Make way.

::	::
Well done.

::	::
Very quick thinking, young man. Thank you, sir.

::	::
-And the hole?

-Stick paper over it.

::	::
-Shall I get the stamp book?

-Get out, boy!

::	::
Come and sit down, Colonel.

::	::
Sorry to barge in, but I've got some bad news.

::	::
It's about Godfrey.

::	::
About Godfrey? I hope you're not going to say he can't stay in the platoon.

::	::
He's getting on but he's a father figure for the younger ones to lean on.

::	::
-As long as they don't lean heavily!

-I mean emotionally.

::	::
Oh no, when the bullets start flying Godfrey won't throw himself in a funk hole.

::	::
Well not quickly... with his rheumatics.

::	::
-No, it's nothing to do with being in the Home Guard. He lives at Cherry Tree Cottage, doesn't he?

-Yes.

::	::
It's a lovely old place. A cottage with a thatched roof, a white fence and roses growing in the garden.

::	::
It's like a picture off a chocolate box.

::	::
Whenever I pass I have to stop and say,

::	::
"That's it, that's what we're fighting for."

::	::
-I couldn't have put it better.

-Well it's got to come down.

::	::
Come down?

::	::
A new aerodrome's being built there.

::	::
Well, can nothing be done about it?

::	::
It's vital for the war effort. He'll get compensation.

::	::
I thought you'd better tell him then the official notice isn't a shock.

::	::
I won't take up any more of your time.

::	::
Cheerio.

::	::
Goodbye, sir.

::	::
What are we going to do about Godfrey?

::	::
Yes, poor old thing. He's been there with his sisters for donkey's years.

::	::
I know.

::	::
I can't possibly tell him.

::	::
We'll get Frazer and Jones over here. Pike... PIKE !

::	::
Coming.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring...

::	::
I can't get in... Hang on, had an idea.

::	::
-How dare you put your arm through my door?

-The handle had come off.

::	::
-You've torn it.

-It's not my fault if they give a rotten door!

::	::
Don't use that tone of voice to me!

::	::
Go and get Mr Jones and Mr Frazer over here.

::	::
-Yes, sir.

-Right.

::	::
Look at that door. It's only been up a few minutes and it's ruined.

::	::
Mr Jones is here with his takings.

::	::
-Ask him to come in then go for Frazer.

-Yes, sir.

::	::
I wish we could help Godfrey. I feel very deeply about this.

::	::
Lend him some money to buy a new cottage.

::	::
Ah... Well, I don't want my personal feelings to get mixed up with my position in the bank.

::	::
-Good morning, Mr Mainwaring. You want to see me?

-Just a moment. I'll help you in.

::	::
Sir.

::	::
Oh...! Cheap rubbish, the handle's come off.

::	::
-I'll put my shoulder to it.

-No, it's made...

::	::
Well, there's the position in a nutshell.

::	::
Godfrey's cottage has to come down and I've been asked to tell him.

::	::
Mmm... At his age the shock could very easily kill him.

::	::
And you'll be responsible. You were saying, Mr Mainwaring, YOU'LL be responsible!

::	::
Yes, alright, alright, alright!

::	::
-Why don't we move his cottage?

-Move it?

::	::
Yeah. We could take it to bits and put it up somewhere else. We'd just have to number the bricks.

::	::
The roof's covered with thatch. You couldnae number that.

::	::
We could cut it into slices and roll it up.

::	::
-We couldn't do it on a windy day, of course.

-No, no. I think you're getting into fantasy again, Jones.

::	::
He's not. In that film, "Ghost Goes West", Robert Donat and Jean Arthur,

::	::
they took a castle from Scotland to California.

::	::
-PHONE RINGS

-See who it is, Wilson.

::	::
I saw that film.

::	::
Rubbish!

::	::
Their kilts hung too far below their Sassenach knees.

::	::
Yes, Martin's Bank, yes... What?

::	::
Oh, Raymond, yes. Just a minute.

::	::
Excuse me, sir. Jonesey, your boy Raymond says would you hurry up as the offal queue is impatient.

::	::
-Tell him I won't be long.

-He won't be long

::	::
Could we get on. Jones, Frazer...

::	::
Alright, I'll tell him... Goodbye.

::	::
Excuse me again. Jonesey, your boy says Frazer's boy, Heathcliffe,

::	::
said to move the queue from the front of Frazer's shop.

::	::
-Is this true, Mr Frazer?

-Aye!

::	::
I told him to get them shifted.

::	::
How dare you interfere with my offal queue?

::	::
They've no right to queue in front of my shop.

::	::
I don't want old women gaping in my window, arguing about their points.

::	::
Look, my queue doesn't want to look in your window. You've only got an old urn and a bit of velvet in it.

::	::
Ha! My window's better than yours!

::	::
All it's got in it is a couple of plaster pigs with comic expressions on their faces.

::	::
It's not my fault I can't get meat.

::	::
I know we're all busy, but give me two minutes of your attention!

::	::
The Colonel has asked me to tell Godfrey and I think, that is we think, Sergeant Wilson and I,

::	::
that perhaps you, Jones, or you, Frazer, might be better telling him. You are his contemporaries.

::	::
-You mean you're trying to wriggle out of it.

-That's not fair.

::	::
I'll have you know that he is our Commanding Officer and a gentleman!

::	::
And futhermore... Just a minute,

::	::
them pigs haven't got comic expressions.

::	::
They've got happy, laughing faces.

::	::
-FRAZER MUTTERS

-Please, be quiet, both of you.

::	::
It's no good, Wilson, you and I will have to go up to Godfrey's cottage tomorrow and tell him.

::	::
-And you, Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-We must grasp the nettle.

::	::
His garden hasn't got any nettles. He's proud of it.

::	::
# Follow the white line all the way

::	::
# Leading from the Rose and Crown... #

::	::
-We've got to pick exactly the right time to tell Godfrey.

-How will we know when the right time is?

::	::
In that film, "Dangerous Moonlight",

::	::
Anton Walbrook had to tell his girl he was leaving so he played the piano to keep her mind off it.

::	::
Uncle Arthur could do that. He plays so well.

::	::
Oh look, sir, what lovely flowers.

::	::
Ah, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Frank.

::	::
Hello. Mr Mainwaring's got something to say.

::	::
We just thought we'd drop in and say hello.

::	::
How nice. You're just in time for tea. Dolly, Cissy, look who's come to tea.

::	::
-Isn't that nice, Cissy? It's Mr Mainwaring and his friends.

-Oooh!

::	::
-We must get some more chairs, Dolly.

-Yes, more chairs.

::	::
-What were you going to tell me?

-I... I've never seen such lovely roses.

::	::
They are lovely. This bush was planted by my father years ago.

::	::
-Really.

-Tell him quickly and then we'll go.

-He's asked us to tea!

::	::
Look at that, perfect picture, isn't it! I often say to my sisters, it doesn't matter what Hitler does,

::	::
this cottage with its garden will always be here. It's what we're fighting for.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring, are you going to tell him now or during tea?

::	::
-HE CLEARS THROAT

-During tea.

::	::
-Will you sit here, Mr Wilson?

-Oh, thank you so much.

::	::
Ah, how pretty the table looks.

::	::
-Mr Mainwaring, shall I sit next to Mr Godfrey in case he faints when you tell him?

-Be quiet, boy.

::	::
I hope you like this tea. It's made from water from our well. It gives it a special taste.

::	::
Tuck in, Frank. Thanks, Mr Godfrey.

::	::
-Bread, Mr Mainwaring?

-No thank you.

::	::
-You must have one of my upside-down cakes, Mr Mainwaring.

-Very well.

::	::
This bread and raspberry jam looks absolutely delicious.

::	::
I baked it in our old brick oven. It's what gives it the crusty taste.

::	::
And I make the jam from our own raspberries.

::	::
We're almost self-sufficient here. We have everything we need.

::	::
-Mr Mainwaring, during tea! Are you going to tell him now?

-After tea!

::	::
MUSIC: An English Country Garden.

::	::
The sun brings out the colour on that wall.

::	::
The whole place has a sense of permanence. We often say this cottage stands for England.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring, it's after tea. You've got to tell him now.

::	::
You're right, Pike.

::	::
The point is, Godfrey, that, um...

::	::
-Wilson has something to say.

-Me?

::	::
-I can't.

-Get on with it. It's an order.

::	::
-Yes, Mr Wilson?

-Well, em... Could I have another upside-down cake?

::	::
Thank you so much.

::	::
-You've got no guts, Wilson.

-It wasn't my fault, sir.

::	::
I made it simple for you and all you did was ask for another cake.

::	::
-I wanted another cake.

-PIKE PRETENDS TO FIRE

::	::
Cut that out, you stupid boy.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring was complimentary to me. He asked my advice.

::	::
He went to tell Mr Godfrey on Saturday, but as his sisters were there

::	::
he thought the shock would be too much for him. I agree, we should tell him alone.

::	::
We?

::	::
-Pardon?

-When WE tell him?

-Yes.

::	::
He was grateful for my advice. He's giving us a couple of moments then sending Godfrey out.

::	::
Man, oh man! Can't you see he has left you and me holding the baby?

::	::
That's not fair. It's because you and I are the most senior members of the platoon.

::	::
It'd be more tactful for us to tell him.

::	::
You will back me up, won't you?

::	::
Aagh, alright. I'll manoeuvre the conversation round it for you.

::	::
That's right, you do that... Hello, Mr Godfrey.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring said you might like a cup of tea so I brought one out.

::	::
That's nice. Would you put it on the seat?

::	::
We've got to get this done quickly so start manoeuvering the conversation round.

::	::
Godfrey, son.

::	::
Jones here's got some bad news for you.

::	::
Well, how was that, eh?

::	::
Well, my turn to patrol down to the end of the promenade.

::	::
-'Ere, don't leave me, Jock.

-Man, the war comes first.

::	::
Don't you want tea? When I get back. Bye.

::	::
What's the bad news, Mr Jones?

::	::
Oh, well, we'll talk about that later.

::	::
-Let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea, shall we?

-Here.

-Yes.

::	::
Thank you.

::	::
Oh, well, the cup that cheers, eh?

::	::
Now look here, Godfrey, in times like these we are fighting for our lives, for our very existence even,

::	::
and we have to make sacrifices.

::	::
Even Mr Mainwaring has to make sacrifices and a fine man he is!

::	::
I'd put my right hand in the fire for him.

::	::
When I say fire I don't mean a real fire.

::	::
It wouldn't help him if I went round putting my hand in real fires, would it...? No!

::	::
I mean I'm talking... I'm talking meta, metaphor, metaphorisically.

::	::
What was I saying, I've lost the thread?

::	::
About the sacrifice he's making.

::	::
And so he is. He got a paper door!

::	::
Imagine a man of his status sitting in an office with a paper door.

::	::
And what's worse, I tore it.

::	::
It's the same with houses. If a government man came to me and said in a nonchalant manner,

::	::
"I've got to knock your house down for the war effort", I'd let him.

::	::
Oh dear, I'm so sorry. So they're going to knock yours down as well?

::	::
Yes. No. Not mine... You said, "as well"?

::	::
-As well as my place.

-You know then?

::	::
Since yesterday. I meant to tell Mr Mainwaring, but I didn't want to upset him.

::	::
Mr Godfrey, what will you do?

::	::
We'll manage. My sisters will stay with friends and we'll store the furniture.

::	::
-And you?

-Oh, I'll find a room somewhere.

::	::
You'll do no such thing. You'll stay with me.

::	::
I couldn't do that.

::	::
I'll be glad of your company.

::	::
We'll get on wonderfully well.

::	::
After parade we can go home for a stout.

::	::
-I'm afraid I don't care for it.

-Don't you?

::	::
-You could have something else. Anyway we could have cheese on toast.

-It gives me indigestion.

::	::
We could listen to the wireless. You do like that, don't you?

::	::
-Oh yes, I do.

-We could listen to the Forces Programme, have a laugh.

::	::
Ha, ha, ha. I like the Forces Programme.

::	::
I always listen to the Home Service.

::	::
Well we could listen to that.

::	::
We'll be alright, you'll see!

::	::
D... R...

::	::
..U

::	::
Hello, hello, operator, aye. I want a trunk call to London, if you please. Aye, London.

::	::
TELEPHONE RINGS

::	::
Hello? Hello, is that Sir Charles? Yes.

::	::
THE Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister?

::	::
Speaking My names's Frazer,

::	::
James Frazer.

::	::
Why ring in the middle of the night?

::	::
Hah! It's quiet and peaceful.

::	::
And it's cheaper! Well what do you want?

::	::
The aerodrome at Walmington, are you the minister in charge of building?

::	::
If you're after a building contract there's nothing doing!

::	::
No, it's not that. Well, what do you want then?

::	::
I just wanted to shift the aerodrome a wee bit.

::	::
Are you out of your mind?

::	::
Sir Charles, I was reading in the papers the other day about your recent knighthood

::	::
and it said that you come from a very fine, old Scottish family

::	::
that can trace their origins way back to Robert The Bruce.

::	::
Have you woken me to discuss my ancestors?

::	::
No.

::	::
I woke you up to ask you this,

::	::
could you possibly be the laddie with the same name whose father kept the Fish and Chip shop in Barra?

::	::
Who was expelled from school for cheating?

::	::
Who got that bonny wee thing Maisie MacIntosh into trouble?

::	::
And who the baker sacked for getting his fingers caught in the till?

::	::
That wouldnae be you, would it?

::	::
Certainly not.

::	::
That's all right then. In that case you won't mind me giving the story

::	::
to a certain society magazine, will ye?

::	::
Good! It just so happens that I've got their phone number right here in front of me,

::	::
Charlie-boy!

::	::
Look at poor Mr Godfrey and his sisters. I don't half feel sorry.

::	::
The war can be very cruel you know, Pikey.

::	::
Well, sir, we've nearly finished loading.

::	::
Thank you, Wilson. This is a sad day.

::	::
I wrote to the minister in charge of the building, but I didn't get a reply.

::	::
We're in the hands of bureaucrats, faceless men.

::	::
No more, you'll break the back axle.

::	::
Mr Mainwaring told me to. And I say no, you soppy boy.

::	::
Don't call me soppy.

::	::
I'm gonna have a word with Mainwaring about you.

::	::
My van's full and I want my money!

::	::
-The arrangement was you'd get £ when the job was finished.

-I want it now.

::	::
-Shoot him! You're entitled to.

-Be quiet, Pike.

::	::
Hold on!

::	::
-Hold on!

-What is it, Frazer?

::	::
This is Mr Blackwell from the Town Hall. They're moving the aerodrome.

::	::
So Mr Godfrey won't have to leave his home!

::	::
-This is good news!

-I can listen to the Forces Programme! I'm going to tell him.

::	::
They're moving the aerodrome yards.

::	::
-The cottage won't be in the middle?

-Just on the edge!

::	::
Right, unload the van, men.

::	::
-'Ere, what about my two quid?

-The job has not been done!

::	::
You chiseller. I WANT my two quid!

::	::
-Do you mind not raising your voice?

-I want MY MONEY!

-Come away, Wilson.

::	::
Nice, isn't it, sir!

::	::
Different to the last time we had tea with you when Mainwaring tried to tell you the news!

::	::
It must have been my letter to the minister that did it.

::	::
-No doubt about it.

-What was his name?

::	::
Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister. They say he can trace his ancestors back to Robert The Bruce.

::	::
I'm very grateful, Mr Mainwaring. Our peaceful world could have ended. rewrite this entire script but if james beck was still in dad's army as walker.