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Assistant: Title: ladies first, baby, i insist
        Author: makeitmakesense makeitmakesense 
        Chapter: 1/1 
        Summary: Her eyes focus on the greeting of Mama D’s note when she returns to her bed, her lips quirking at the way she was addressed.   Nina.She could get used to that.
        Contents: Summary:
            
              Her eyes focus on the greeting of Mama D’s note when she returns to her bed, her lips quirking at the way she was addressed.   Nina.She could get used to that.
            
        

        
  Notes:





    
      tw!!! character death (nini's lola rip), mommy issues, parents fighting, teenage shenanigans, cheating, smoking, drinking, true love etc so dirtbag nini being a dirtbag and why she's like that /:also lots of filipino referencesthis is for angela, who asked for a 20k dissertation but graciously accepted 14!also kudos from ME to anyone who sits and actually reads this whole thing <3
    

    (See the end of the work for more notes.)



  





    
        
          
  Nini is six when she learns that she's different, and it's more than just her new name. 

  “What's a lesbian?” she asks at her dinner table, and her Mama C’s fork clatters onto her plate. 

  “I’m sorry?” she chokes out.

  “What's a lesbian?” Nini repeats, turning to her Mama D for a response now. 

  “Nina, where did you hear that word?” Dana questions, hands folding in front of her. 

  Nini shrugs. “A big kid called me a lesbian today. He said I come from lesbians so I am one. Is that like when Lola came here? Was it from lesbians?” 

  She’d just been told the story of her lola coming to America last year, along with pictures and platters full of classic ballpark foods to celebrate the anniversary of her citizenship. 

  “Nina, sweetheart, that kid was just picking on you,” Carol sighs. “Do you remember before you started school, and we had that talk about how not everyone has two mommies? Most kids have a daddy and mommy instead? And we remembered that not everyone can be as nice as we hope, but we’ll keep our chins up no matter what?” Nini nods. “Two mommies together are lesbians. That's what a woman who loves women is called.” 

  Nini’s brows furrow. “So, he was being 
  
    mean,”
  
   she clarifies. 

  They give identical nods. 

  “But we’re keeping our chins up,” Mama D reminds her and declares the subject dropped. 

  So, Nini listens. 

  She walks into school the next day with her chin up. 

  (As well as her fist when it connects to that dumb third grader’s nose.) 

  She's suspended for two days. There's something called a no tolerance policy, and Nini is screaming her lungs empty about how they should have a no Ethan-Shultz-from-third-grade policy instead when her Mama C throws Nini’s tiny body over her shoulder, leaving her wife to handle the logistics of the punishment. 

  “That's enough, Nina,” her mother scolds, and Nini crosses her arms in protest.

  She passes by Gina, Big Red, and Ricky on her way out, heads peeking through the fence during the extra recess being permitted while their kindergarten teacher sits in on Nini’s meeting. 

  Ricky gives her a thumbs up, and the others quickly follow. 

  “Go lesbians!” Red cheers, and Nini smiles as wide as she can, throwing her fist up in victory. 

  “Go lesbians!” 

  If you were to ask Nini to pick one person to call her best friend, she couldn't, so she’d tell you to go away and try someone else before she punches you in the nose! 

  (She's done it before, you know.) 

  If you ask her who her favorite best friend is, though? 

  Well, that's Gina Porter. 

  She sat across from her during reading time two years ago, and when Nini couldn't get the hang of writing her G’s, she helped because she had to learn them in preschool when she wrote her name for the very first time. 

  
    “I’m the expert,” Gina boasts, and Nini believes her so she lends her the Barbie tiara she has been wearing on and off since she got the DVD of Sleeping Beauty for her last birthday. 
  

  
    “Now, you can be the princess!” Nini beams, and Gina scrunches her nose. 
  

  
    “The princess of where?” she wonders. 
  

  
    Nini doesn't think for more than a second. “You can be 
  
  
    my
  
  
     princess,” she decides, “and I can be your prince who saves you from the dragon and forever sleep!” 
  

  
    Gina eyes their worksheets. “Aren't I the one saving you?” 
  

  
    Nini presses her lips together. “Oh yeah…” she takes back the plastic crown, placing it firmly in the center of her pigtails. “You can be my prince then!” 
  

  
    Gina shrugs indifferently. “Okay!”
  
   

  Now, they sit together in second grade just as they did in first because P is near S in the alphabet, and their teachers like to arrange them in order by their last names. 

  “Looks like we're stuck together again,” Gina teases, stuffing her rainbow pencil case into her new desk for the year. 

  Nini doesn't mind one bit.

  It's her Tita Kelly’s birthday, meaning Nini has to get all dressed up to go sit in her cousin’s house and play family games instead of hanging out at Slices with the boys. 

  “Never have I ever… been suspended from school!” her Ate Isa smirks, and Nini glares at her from across the circle. 

  She turned ten last month, so she's 
  
    finally
  
   allowed to hang with the older kids at these things and not the stupid babies. 

  “That was forever ago!” Nini groans, but she takes a piece of sour candy from the center pile regardless and pops it in her mouth. Her face scrunches while her cousins snicker. 

  “Nini! Come here please!” she hears from the other room, and she scrambles to her feet eagerly. 

  Anything to get away from this dumb game. 

  “Lola wants to talk to you in the kitchen,” one of her uncles informs, nodding his head in the general direction, and Nini sprints to the spot in question. 

  Her grandmother stands in front of the marble island, finalizing the frosting border around a homemade birthday cake. 

  She nudges over the bowl used to whisk the buttercream, and Nini grabs the spoon from inside it, taking a big lick. 

  When her lola was young, she used to sell treats on the side of the road in the Philippines. She told Nini once that she learned to bake for that purpose. “I saved it just for you,” Malou grins, and Nini feels so lucky. 

  She 
  
    always
  
   gets to lick the spoon. 

  “Lola, do you ever miss home?” Nini wonders, watching each candle be meticulously placed. 

  “I don't have to,” she replies, setting down the piping bag and facing Nini fully. “My home is wherever my family is.” 

  “Like me?” Nini wonders with wide eyes. 

  A gentle hand cups her cheek, and she rests into the kiss that gets placed on her forehead. 
  
    “Especially
  
   you, my Nini.” 

  Over winter break, Gina invites Nini over for a sleepover a few nights before Christmas Eve. They decorate cookies and drink hot chocolate and even build a fort to watch Elf in before it hits 8:30 and they're instructed to go get ready for bed. 

  Anxiety doesn't churn in her stomach until Nini is tucked into the bottom bunk in Gina's room and realizes that she's never slept anywhere without her moms before. 

  Sure, Gina has come to her house and spent the night plenty of times, but Nini had 
  
    her
  
   moms and 
  
    her
  
   goodnight routine and 
  
    her
  
   bed. 

  “Are you sure you like the bottom bunk?” Gina asks for the third time after her mother leaves. When they lived at their old apartment, Gina and her brother had to share a room, so that's why she still has the setup, she explained at dinner. She said that it's the perfect bed for sleepovers, and now that her mom says she's finally able to host them, she doesn't think she'll ever get rid of it. 

  “Yeah,” Nini says in a small voice. 

  She can feel the urge to sob rising, and she tries to focus on the butterfly night light next to Gina’s dresser. 

  “Are you okay?” Gina swings her body over the side, dangling upside down. “Nini, you look like you're about to cry. Do you need me to get my mom?” 

  “No!” Nini panics, trying her hardest to suck her tears back into her eyes. “I’m not going to cry! I've slept away from home lots of times before and I am very good at it!” 

  Gina sees right through her, silently climbing down and pulling Nini’s covers down so that she can lay beside her. She wiggles against Nini’s side and holds out her hand. 

  Nini accepts the gesture with a gentle exhale. 

  “It's okay to be scared,” Gina whispers, squeezing her palm. “The first time I slept without my mom being around, I couldn't even brush my teeth without freaking out.” 

  Ms. Porter works a lot and sometimes far away, so Gina’s brother started watching her overnight as soon as he was old enough. It's why Nini’s moms offer their place as a second option, often taking Gina when Jamie wants to go be a teenager rather than a caretaker. 

  “Really?” Nini asks. Gina has always been so composed at their sleepovers. She can't imagine her getting that upset. 

  Gina nods. “It's easier with someone next to you,” she explains. “Jamie used to hold my hand until I fell asleep. That's how I know.” 

  Nini feels her body relaxing. She turns to her side, facing her best friend. “I’m glad you had someone to hold your hand.” 

  Gina mirrors her position, their intertwined fingers resting between them. “I’m glad you're here for me to hold yours.” 

  Her lola comes to live with them when she's eleven. 

  It's a happy thing, she thinks. Her Mama D says she just needs a little extra help because she accidentally broke her wrist, so they’re going to give it to her, and her Mama C… well, she doesn't know yet so Nini isn't allowed to say anything until Mama D gives her the green light. 

  Unfortunately, she lets it slip at dinner how excited she is for Lola to be sleeping right next door in the guest room, and she's sent up to her room before another word is said.

  “I just would've liked to have 
  
    discussed
  
   it before you announced to everyone that she would stay here,” she hears her Mama C say bitterly, and she hides around the corner of her kitchen wall. 

  “I didn't know it was such a burden for my mother to injure herself,” Mama D scoffs. “If you don't want her here, then I can always go out to her for a few months.” 

  Nini feels tears forming in her eyes at the thought of her mother leaving.

  “Come on, Dana, you know that's not what I’m saying,” she sighs. “You told our daughter to hide something from me. That isn't okay. We don't have secrets in our house.” 

  A chair scooches against the hardwood floor, and she hears dishes clatter into the sink. “I was being courteous until I informed you what-” 

  
    “Informed
  
   me?” 

  “It's not a 
  
    discussion,
  
   Carol!” Mama D snaps. “This isn't up for debate.” 

  “Because 
  
    nothing
  
   is ever up for debate. You just call all the shots, right?” More dishes shift in the sink, and Nini can hear the water turning on. “God forbid I have any say!”

  “Do you really want to start this right now?” 

  Ricky talks about this sometimes; when his parents fight. 

  
    “They always say they're gonna get divorced,” he shrugs, buckling his helmet so that he can try to master his kick flip. “But they never do, and my mom always eventually comes home.” 
  

  Nini can't fathom the thought. 

  “Oh, so you finally admit there's something to talk about-” 

  Their rising volume is cut off by a hushed sniffle. Both heads snap to the doorway where Nini is frantically wiping her tears. 

  “I should've never opened my big, fat mouth!” Nini cries, immediately spinning and stomping up the stairs. 

  Her mothers find her curled up on her bed a few minutes later, softly sobbing into her pink pillowcase. 

  “Nini?” Mama C frowns, sitting beside her. 

  The bed dips on the other side as well. “Sweetheart, it's okay. We were just having a disagreement. Everything is fine.” 

  Nini shakes her head. “You're going to get a divorce and it's all my fault!” 

  She feels the weight of a hand rubbing on her back, and it takes only seconds for it to soothe her. 

  “Nini, we are 
  
    not
  
   getting a divorce,” Mama C assures. 

  She lifts her face, all red and snotty, and looks between her mothers. “You're not?”  

  They tell her that they had a 
  
    disagreement.
  
   That's not the same as a divorce, despite what she might think from Ricky, and not everyone can get along all the time. 

  “But we’ll always get along, right? Me and you guys? Right?” Nini pleads.

  Her Mama C laughs. “We’ll do our best, kiddo,” she promises. “Now, why don't we go make sure the guest room is perfect for Lola?” 

  She shares a look with her wife, one that's loving and understanding and makes Nini beam with pride that these are 
  
    her
  
   parents. 

  “I'd like that.” 

  Lola stays after her wrist gets better, and Nini loves it. 

  It's easier, according to her moms, for someone to be home when Nini is finished with school rather than her needing to walk to Ricky’s until Mama C is done at work. 

  Plus, she has her favorite person in the whole universe in the bedroom right next door whenever she wants! 

  “Uno!” Nini screams, slamming down her second card to the discard pile. 

  Malou shakes her head with a grin. “Where did you learn to play cards like this? Clearly, you're cheating.” 

  Nini gasps dramatically. “I would 
  
    never!
  
   I’m just the greatest Uno player that ever lived!” 

  She doesn't ever want this game to end, though, so she pretends she doesn't have a blue six when her turn rolls around and draws a card. 

  Maybe she is a cheater, but it's for the right reasons.  

  Her lola isn't staying because it's easier. 

  She's sick, they tell her over dinner a month later. 
  
    Very
  
   sick, and so everyone will have to start picking up extra weight around the house. 

  Nini gets a few more chores, and she really doesn't mind until Gina is over and asks why she's doing all these extra tasks. 

  “My lola is dying,” Nini frowns, passing off the dripping plate for the other girl to dry. 

  “She's 
  
    what?”
  
   Gina stares, sure she misheard. 

  Nini’s expression doesn't change in the slightest. “She's sick and if she doesn't get lots of help, she will die, so I have to do more to help out.” It's a simple explanation. 

  “Oh…” Gina pauses. She sets down her towel and the plate on the counter so her arms can wrap around her best friend. “I’m so sorry, Nini.” 

  She hasn't told anyone else yet. Partially because it's no one’s business, but mostly because she doesn't want the sad looks. She cries enough in her room about the news, she doesn't need a breakdown in front of others, too. 

  “She’ll be okay,” Nini mumbles, ignoring the way her voice wavers. “She has to be okay.” 

  Gina nods. “Of course, she will.” 

  She doesn't. 

  It's eight months later, and Nini is sitting on the edge of her lola’s bed, picking at the strings loose from the embroidered butterflies on her comforter. 

  She's got on a frilly red dress, her first of five for her lola’s lamay and burial. Her mom says it's to ward off the spirits of the dead so she won't see them, and she doesn't argue that she wants to see her lola’s spirit even though she wants to because she's not supposed to be difficult this week. 

  “Perfect,” her Mama D grins. It's forced, but she's trying to put on a brave face, so Nini doesn't comment. 

  The crimson ribbon stands out against her dark ponytail when she sees it in the mirror. 

  “It's time for guests to start arriving,” Tita Kelly says from the doorway, bouncing Nini’s latest cousin on her hip. 

  His red outfit isn't nearly as pretty as her own. 

  Mama D takes a big breath then holds out her hand, patiently waiting as Nini rises and takes it. 

  “Time to put on our bravest faces,” she chuckles nervously. 

  Nini squeezes her fingers, summoning her best smile. “We got this.” 

  “Why are so many people wearing white?” Gina asks. 

  They're sitting underneath the dining room table, ripping off bits of mamon and tossing them in their mouths to avoid the crowd. 

  “In the Philippines, that's what they do,” Nini explains between bites. “You see my Kuya Mando over there?” She points to her oldest cousin, donning a light barong. “That's the shirt they wear on special occasions. He got one when he visited for a wedding last year.” 

  Nini and her moms were supposed to go, too, but there was an issue with their passports, so they had to watch a livestream. 

  “Mama D says you usually don't wear barongs to funerals unless it's 
  
    super
  
   fancy, like in America when you wear full suits, but he wanted to do it to honor Lola.” 

  Gina looks down at the black lace skirt of her own dress. “I feel like I dressed wrong.” 

  “You dressed great,” Nini assures her. “My Tita Kelly says that after this we have to pin a black ribbon to our clothes for forty days and say our prayers every night, so I think that’s what you're supposed to wear, too.” 

  It's all sort of confusing, and no one explains anything as well as her lola did. 

  “Nina!” Mama D sighs in relief, spotting little red flags peeking from beneath the tablecloth. She lifts it and signals for the door. “Lola’s sister is here with Ate Joy from the airport, go say hello.” 

  Nini pouts her lips, but listens nonetheless. She excuses herself to the entrance, following in suit of the other cousins pressing their foreheads against the back of her great aunt’s hand. 

  She wishes her lola was here to see everyone together. 

  She would've loved it. 

  Mama C’s family doesn't accept them, and so that's why they're so close with everyone in Mama D’s. Nini asked about it once when she was eight and learned that Red has two sets of grandparents, and they explained that they had enough love between just the three of them that they didn't need anyone else in the world. 

  Anyone else they have to support them? Simply a bonus. 

  “Can we bake tonight again?” Nini wonders from her seat on the toilet, sitting nicely for her mother to finish plaiting her hair into a french braid. 

  “We’d have to run to the store to get some more ingredients,” Mama C says, “but I don't see why we couldn't.” 

  Nini kicks her leg forward against the bathtub. “Do you think Mama D will want to help today?” 

  She hasn't been coming out of her bedroom a lot, taking long naps that Nini isn't allowed to interrupt in the daytime. 

  Mama C sighs. “We can ask, sweetheart.” 

  Nini beams at getting permission to interrupt her mother’s rest, hopping down as soon as the elastic is secured at the end of her braid to run into the master bedroom. 

  “Mama D!” she squeals. “Do you want to bake with us tonight? Mama C said she’d take me to the store to get ingredients.” 

  Mama D’s lips form a weak smile. “Mommy isn't feeling well right now,” she tells her. “Why don't you go ahead without me? If I’m doing a bit better, I'll head downstairs once you're back.” 

  It's better than a blatant no, so Nini takes it eagerly. “Okay! I'll go get my shoes, and then when we get back, I'll yell extra loud from downstairs so you hear!” 

  She's a few steps into the hall when she hears Mama C grumble, “You need to stop giving her false hope.” 

  She doesn't think it's false hope, though. She thinks that Mama D will really try, she's just sad right now. 

  (Mama C keeps telling her what a brave girl she is, so she doesn't like to show that she's sad until after she's asleep– and sometimes, when Nini misses her lola so much it hurts, she sneaks into her room so that she can crawl into her bed and smell her perfume against the pillows. She’ll often find her Mama D there already, clutching the comforter with balled fists and tear stained cheeks. 

  She climbs in next to her silently, and they just lay and cry together because it's okay to miss her and it's okay to be sad and it's okay that things will never be the same ever again. 

  
    “Everything will be okay again,”
  
   she tells her mother in a soft whisper. 
  
    “It has to be okay again.”
  
  )

  Mama D doesn't make it, but that's okay. Nini brings her up a slice of cake regardless, and she even leaves the frosting bowl on the nightstand table with their big spoon. 

  “It's the best part,” she reminds Mama D, and then she walks out because she doesn't expect a response. 

  She recently started realizing how much she took for granted in her house before everything changed. 

  They used to eat every meal together, laughing about their favorite parts of the day so far and what they were looking forward to doing in the next week. They'd have movie nights and game nights and picnics in the backyard with Nini’s favorite fruits.

  Mama C tries to keep their routines going, but it's not before she makes a comment to Mama D that makes her storm back upstairs and slam the door, and Nini ends up sitting by herself on the living room floor watching reruns of Full House on the highest volume to drown out the yelling. 

  It's been nearly a year now, and she had hoped that they just needed a little time to adjust, but she's starting to fear this is what forever will look like. 

  “Nini, go pack an overnight bag,” Mama C tells her one morning. 

  She pauses brushing her teeth. “An overnight bag?” she questions after spitting. “But I have school today.” 

  “You're not going. Tita Kelly will be here in twenty minutes to get you. Please be waiting by the door.” 

  She's going to ask something else, but Mama D appears behind her holding a stack of papers with a large manila envelope. 

  “Care to explain what this is?” she snaps, and Mama C’s eyes go wide. 

  “I told them 
  
    after 
  
  nine,” she mutters, crossing her arms over her chest. “Let’s not do this yet, Dana.” 

  “You met with a lawyer?! Were you even going to be here when I got the news or are you planning on just taking off?” 

  Nini steps back from the sink, inching away from the conflict until her back bumps against the shower curtain. 

  “Of course, I was going to be here!” Mama C shouts. “This isn't 
  
    news.
  
   I have been begging you for months to get help, and you still won’t get out of bed most days. We have a home and a family that 
  
    needs
  
   to keep moving. You stopped taking care of yourself!”

  “My mother
  
     died.
  
   Excuse me for grieving!”

  Nini climbs into the bathtub, clutching her knees to her chest as they continue to argue. 

  “And so Nini should lose hers, too?!” 

  It confirms her deepest fear; this is 
  
    her
  
   fault. She's the reason they're at odds, and if Nini wasn't around, Mama D could be as sad as she needs. 

  If Nini wasn't around, Mama C would let her.

  “Nini is perfectly fine!” Dana fights, and her daughter covers her ears from how loud they're getting. 

  “Because 
  
    I’m
  
   taking care of her! You disrupted her entire life by falling off the face of the planet, and I've let you do it for long enough! I will not continue to let you drag her down with you!” 

  Nini wants to chime in, wants to add that she's 
  
    not
  
   disappointed. It's all okay because she’s fine, she really is! And Mama D can be as sad as she needs without it interfering with Nini at all! 

  “You really think you're taking my daughter from me?” 

  Nini gulps, pressing her hands to the side of her head so hard it hurts. No one is taking her anywhere, right? They're just talking. 

  It's like Ricky would describe, and they don't actually mean it so she doesn't have to be afraid. 

  “Dana…” Carol’s voice grows soft, and she exhales deeply. “It's just until you're back on your feet. Then, we can work out-” 

  “You have no right to keep her from me! You have no right to do this!” 

  Nini can hear her voice breaking, visualizing the way she's slowly crumbling into a crying mess. She's seen it a lot in the last year. 

  “I have temporary guardianship. Your sister was there to testify so the judge would grant it.” Carol informs her, and there's a sound of pages rustling. “We’re all worried about you.” 

  She hears someone walk off, and she assumes it's her Mama D, but it doesn't matter because there's another set of footsteps following immediately. 

  Her Tita Kelly discovers her in the bathtub a few minutes later, and Nini is crying hard enough that she can't hear her mothers from their bedroom anymore. 

  She jumps at the intrusion. 

  “Let's get going,” she's told, and she nods with a large hiccup before taking her aunt’s hand so that she can climb out. 

  She doesn't see Mama D after that. 

  She calls sometimes, but it's not often and it's not for very long. Mama C says she's staying with some family in another town, but Nini recently heard her on the phone with her aunt discussing bills for a residential facility. 

  “They sent your mom there because there's something wrong with her,” Isa gossips, poking her fork into her spaghetti and swirling. “That's why Tita Carol has to work more and you have to have dinners with us. She has to pay for the doctors because your mom won't get better.” 

  The thing is, there's nothing to get better 
  
    from.
  
   She's just sad. 

  There's nothing wrong with that. Nini gets sad, too. 

  Will her mom send 
  
    her
  
   away? 

  She's turning fourteen, and she hasn't seen her Mama D in nearly a year when she arrives at their front door, a large wrapped box in hand. 

  She moved away sometime last winter, bought a house in Colorado and started working at a local retirement home as a receptionist. 

  Nini sends the patients drawings sometimes in the mail. 

  She's here for the weekend, but it's cut short once she mentions the possibility of Nini visiting Denver. 

  “Oh, there's mountains everywhere. I think you'll absolutely love it!” Dana beams, their hands joined on the couch. 

  “Love what?” Carol interrupts, stepping in with a platter of veggies. 

  “Mama D was just telling me about what it will be like when I go visit her new house!” Nini squeals. 

  Carol sighs heavily. “Dana…” 

  “You said we'd talk about it once I got back on my feet,” she starts, rising from her seat. “I’m back on my feet, Carol. What's the excuse now?” 

  Nini leaves the room before they continue, snatching the present her mom brought and stomping up to her room. 

  She just wanted today. 

  It's the only thing she asked when Mama C revealed that Mama D could make it this weekend: 
  
    no
  
   fighting. 

  She falls back onto her mattress and quickly decides that she at least deserves to open up her gift if she's going to have to spend her birthday locked in her bedroom. 

  “Let's see what she got me to make up for disappearing…” she mumbles, tugging off the lid carelessly. 

  Inside rests a large scrapbook, and on top of the cover sits a note. 

  
    My Nina, 
  

  
    There is a piece of every day we have spent apart in these pages. I never want you to forget that I couldn't have done any of this without knowing I have the sweetest, bravest, and brightest girl to describe it to. I miss you every single day. 
  

  
    I've also included several blank journals to go along with the acoustic guitar your Mama C gave you this morning for you to pen all the beautiful songs I am sure you'll create the second you have a moment alone. You have always been so talented. 
  

  
    Happy birthday, sweetheart. I love you so much and could not be prouder of the woman you are becoming.
  

  
    Your biggest fan, 
  

  
    Mama D 
  

  A tear falls on the page, soaking the ink into a blurry dot where her mother signed. 

  She feels remnants of anger bubbling up to her chest, resentment that she’d shoved so far down resurfacing at the thought of Mama D needing a 
  
    book
  
   to communicate with her. 

  Why wasn't she 
  
    there?
  
   Why couldn't Nini experience any of it? Who decided she’d get one phone call a week for the first four months of their separation? It surely wasn't Mama D. 

  What was even the point of taking her? Carol is barely there. She's doubled shifts just to afford the mortgage in a house Nini can't stand being in. 

  If she lived in Colorado, she wouldn't be forced to have dinner at her aunt’s house. She wouldn't have to get herself up for school every morning, making her own breakfast and running to catch a bus she never had to take before. 

  She wouldn't have to deal with 
  
    any
  
   of this. 

  “Nini? Honey, the cake is all set up for you.” 

  She ignores the knocks on her door, opting instead to cross her room and pull her guitar from its case. 

  “I don't want cake!” She doesn't want 
  
    anything
  
   to do with stupid Carol in this stupid house and this stupid life. “Just leave me alone!” 

  “Nini? We’re sorry, sweetheart.” Two more knocks. “Please let me in.” 

  The teenager storms over, whipping her door open to face her mother. 

  “Leave me 
  
    alone!”
  
   she glares, words laced with venom. “I don't want your cake, I don't want your ridiculous rules, and I don't want to live in this soul-sucking house with you!” 

  Carol gulps, taking a single step back in shock at the way she's being spoken to, and Nini feels the rush of pride and guilt swirling her system. 

  (Pride wins.)

  “I hate it here, and I hate
  
     you.
  
  ” She prepares to slam the door shut, her arm on the edge of the wood in a white knuckled grip. “Why couldn't you have done Mom and I a favor and just left us both?!” 

  Her eyes focus on the greeting of Mama D’s note when she returns to her bed, her lips quirking at the way she was addressed. 

  
    Nina.
  

  She could get used to that.

  She returns to school on Monday with a new head on her shoulders, blatantly avoiding the way Gina calls out, “Nini!” in her direction during PE. 

  
    Nini
  
   was a whiny little baby that found safety in her home and complete family. She had friends to rely on that knew every detail of her life, knew too many secrets to ever unlearn. 

  
    Nina
  
   doesn't have to worry about all of that. 

  “Shouldn't you be running laps?” a girl asks, joining her beneath the bleachers set up for track meets. 

  “Couldn't I ask you the same thing?” 

  The blonde smirks, plopping her body down beside Nina in the shade. “This is where my girlfriend and I used to come to makeout instead of doing the mile.” 

  Nini quirks a brow. “Girlfriend?” 

  The stranger shrugs. “Well, 
  
    ex
  
   now.” She points toward the curve a couple dozen feet from them, her fingertip following another freshman making the turn. “Natalie,” she scoffs. “She dumped me for some guy in her AV club.” 

  Nina rolls her eyes. “Typical.” 

  “Aren't you usually with those goody two shoes kids? The redhead and two Curly Sues?” 

  The mention of her old friends makes her back go stiff. She fights the urge to defend them. “Not exactly my crowd anymore, if you get what I mean.” 

  “Oh?” A hand is offered out to her, and the brunette shakes it with a small smile. “I’m Lily.” 

  It takes a few seconds for her words to catch up with her actions. 

  “Nina.” 

  Lily is just about the coolest person she has ever met. She shows Nina all types of new things; movies, music, even how to smoke a cigarette from a pack she stole from her dad’s truck. 

  “Do you miss it?” Nina asks her one afternoon, sitting on a box beside the dumpster behind their gymnasium. 

  Lily takes a drag, and the cloud of smoke she exhales makes Nini’s eyes burn in a way that she knows will make her eyeliner smudge. “Miss what?” 

  “When your parents were together,” Nina continues, scuffing the toe of her boot against the pavement. 

  Lily’s mom left when she was four, and she only sees her in the summers now. She's better off. Her dad has 
  
    way
  
   less rules, and he even lets her watch R-rated movies on pay-per-view when she’s left home alone overnight. 

  “I don't remember it,” Lily answers honestly. She passes the cigarette to Nina, watching as the other girl inhales. “I was so little that I can't tell you what they were like if I tried. My mom says that they weren't good together. Her new boyfriend is a drummer, and he's 
  
    way
  
   better.” 

  Nina used to never consider her parents dating other people. It seemed so surreal, as if the split wasn't just a temporary fix until their family is reunited. 

  “What about you?” Lily prods, and Nina wishes she were alone to consider her reply. 

  Truthfully, she’d give anything for life to be how it was. Her mothers were the best, always so supportive and loving, and she had her lola by her side to guide her through anything. 

  “No.” She keeps it short, trying to avoid the tears forming in her eyes. “I don't miss any of it.” 

  Lily frowns. She quickly leans forward, cupping Nini’s chin so that she can pull her into a soft kiss. They sit there for a minute, a steady pressure enforced until Nina leans back. 

  “What was that for?” she asks. 

  Lily shrugs. “Are you sad anymore?” 

  There's a pause, and then Nina’s face lights up in realization. “No.” 

  She barely even remembers 
  
    why
  
   she was sad, her brain clouded with the taste of Lily’s strawberry lip gloss. 

  “There you go,” the blonde winks. “We don't have to be sad anymore. We have each other.” 

  Nina gives her a gentle nod. “Yeah.” 

  Not a minute later, she lurches forward, stealing a much deeper kiss from her best friend. 

  Lily tastes like ash and sticky and a little bit like the root beer they split at lunch. It makes her dizzy. 

  She doesn't mind being a little sad if this is the solution. 

  Tuesdays become a safe haven for her. 

  It's the only day that Carol works double shifts now, leaving the house completely empty for Nini to enjoy rather than dragging herself to school to avoid seeing the woman she despises most in this world do the little upkeep it takes for a space barely lived in. 

  She turns off her phone, prematurely ignoring her mother’s billion texts about the office calling to alert her that Nina’s truant yet again, and she writes dozens of songs that she’ll never share because who wants to hear about a broken little girl that wants desperately just to be loved for what she is, fractured heart and all? 

  Sometimes, on the hardest days, she sneaks to the kitchen. 

  The sneaking isn't required as she's the only one there, but it feels better than admitting that she's making a batch of buttercream to sit on her kitchen floor and lick off of a spoon because pretending like her lola is just in the other room, fetching their Uno cards, is a whole lot easier than facing the rest of her life alone.

  It's the only time she feels she can rest, recharging the persona she lets shine with her peers. She finally doesn't have to be tough, basking in being wrapped in her lola’s comforter and shedding tears over family photos. 

  (It's almost as if she can be Nini again, no strings attached.)

  After Lily, Nina finds Emily. 

  Lily doesn't return after summer break, instead moving in with her mother somewhere in Ohio because her father lost custody, and Nina is sure she’s going to be alone until bright blue eyes catch hers from across the hall their first day. 

  This time, Nina is the one who teaches. 

  She tugs Emily off when she should be in band class, biting at her lip against the door of the utility closet near the gym. She steals wine coolers from her fridge to tuck into the bottom of her backpack before a sleepover, drinking enough that her head feels fuzzy when she lets hands roam beneath the hemline of her shirt the first time during sophomore year. 

  She even promises forever. 

  It's cruel, but it's what Emily asks her after five months of being together. 

  “No one has ever made me feel the way you do,” she whispers, the pad of her index finger running along Nina’s cheekbone. “Can we stay like this forever?” 

  Nina’s too high on the rush of feeling wanted to know what she's saying, lazily nodding before closing the gap between them. “Forever and ever, babe.” 

  Forever ends up being three more weeks, and Nina leaves her heartbroken on the swing set in her backyard because Emily catches her in the girls’ bathroom with Steph from fourth period. 

  She wants to tell her that forever actually means nothing. It's not a promise one should just accept. 

  Instead, she kisses Emily one last time and tells her that she’ll always be her girl. 

  Steph only sticks around until the following August, and by then, she’s going on dates with Val– the 
  
    senior,
  
   Val– and threading her fingers into loose waves in the back of movie theaters while they make out. 

  (They're always asked to leave, but Val has a car that works just as well for what they get up to.) 

  With an upperclassman on her arm, she's finally granted access to the cool parties– but not just 
  
    any
  
   cool parties. She's at a different senior’s party every weekend, taking shots from her girlfriend’s navel and grinding against her in the center of a hazy room. 

  It's easiest to forget like this. 

  She doesn't think about her old life at all anymore, and when Val says that she might love her, she kisses her twice as hard in the guest room of whoever’s house they're in and mumbles against her neck to lock the door. 

  The best thing about having a reputation, she thinks, it's that eventually, it builds enough momentum that she no longer has to seek out company. 

  She has a new girl waiting at her locker each morning, each a different version of starry eyed and absolutely mesmerized by the way she smirks at the sight of them. 

  Val and her 
  
    officially
  
   split because she gets accepted to NYU, and rather than a messy break, they agree that an amicable parting is best for their social circle. 

  (Nina has made quite the name for herself in the local party scene, after all.)

  Unofficially? There's no harm in a little fun between friends. 

  “Good morning, beautiful,” she coos to the freshman awaiting her this morning. 

  She doesn't remember her name, but she 
  
    thinks
  
   it starts with a C. Maybe an S? They were a little too busy yesterday during lunch to exchange many words. 

  “Morning, Nina,” is sighed dreamily in response, and when Nina shoots a wink after grabbing her notebook, she swears the younger girl nearly passes out. 

  She's snickering as she walks away, but she pauses the moment she hears familiar voices approaching. She paints on her prettiest smile at the happy couple in front of her. 

  “Looking as gorgeous as ever, Porter,” Nina flirts, and Gina sours her face in response. 

  She's not sure when she decided that messing with the school's hottest cheerleader would be what gets her out of bed every morning, but the second that she did? Life became a lot more entertaining. 

  “Did you hear something, babe?” Gina asks Ricky, not even making eye contact with the shorter girl. 

  Nini bites her lip. “Playing hard to get? Gotta say, it's a good look, Princess.” She scrunches her nose at the eye roll Gina gives. “Oh, you got me.” She stumbles slightly as she clutches her hand to her chest. “Your icy stare has frozen my heart. Only a kiss from the most breathtaking girl in school can melt it.” 

  As if on cue, Val appears from around the corner. 

  “You called?” 

  Nini chuckles, completely losing sight of her goal to annoy Gina when she's pressed against the cool metal of the lockers behind her. She focuses entirely on Val’s lips nipping from her mouth to her jaw, just barely catching the way Gina huffs and storms off. 

  
    Mission accomplished.
  
 
  When they were children, Gina and Nini often fantasized about what their prom night would be like. They imagined their color coordinated dresses and the way they’d dance to every slow song with one another, savoring their time as 
  
    real
  
   teenagers, so grown up from who they were at eight. 

  
    “Jamie’s girlfriend says prom is the most romantic night in the world!” Gina squeals, and Nini’s eyes go wide. 
  

  
    “Do you think we’ll find our true love there? Like at a ball?” 
  

  
    Gina nods eagerly. 
  

  
    Nini pauses, her gaze falling to her lap. “But… but we’ll dance together, right? You and me?” 
  

  
    Gina places her hand on her best friend’s knee, giving it a light squeeze. “I wouldn't dance with anyone else.”
  

  
    Nini holds out her pinky. “Promise?”
  

  That's what makes it so hard when it actually rolls around. 

  Nina is already about seven shots in when she shows up, pregaming a bit too hard with Val and half the soccer team before they decide to direct their limo to the school. 

  That's what she'll blame on this conversation if she remembers it in the morning, at least. 

  “You look stunning,” she mumbles from behind Gina in the mirror. The cheerleader is fixing her lipstick, using the tip of her acrylic nail to leave a clean edge near her cupid’s bow. 

  “You look drunk,” Gina snorts, barely sparing a glance. 

  There's no one else there. Nina knows because she checked before saying a word, but she scans the open stall doors once again to be sure. “Do…” She fumbles for the right question. “Do you remember that promise we made when we were kids?” 

  Gina's brows bunch. “What are you talking about?” 

  Nina takes two long strides closer, her fingertips brushing against Gina’s wrist so that she will turn around. “Don't play dumb, Gi,” she whispers, and she swears the Earth falls off its axis when Gina faces her. 

  They're closer than she thought they were, only inches apart rather than the solid foot she had imagined stopping at. 

  “Nini…” 

  “Don't you remember? We were sitting in that little fort you built us in your living room, and Jamie had just left in his fancy tux. We giggled all night about how he looked like a waiter.” Nina struggles to focus on just one part of the girl in front of her, safely deciding to count the freckles dusting the bridge of her nose rather than force her eyes to stay in one place. “You said that you wouldn't dance with anyone else tonight.” 

  Gina frowns and opens her mouth, as if she has words fighting to come out. 

  “And instead you're giving all of your dances to F@ckboy Bowen,” Nina finally scoffs with an eye roll. “Who would've thought that sweet little Ricky would turn into such a g@dd@mn cliché?”

  Gina’s expression warps into a glare. She's about to defend her boyfriend when the door swings open. 

  “Neens!” Val slurs, stumbling in. “I've been looking all over for you! They're playing a slow song, and I want my kiss under the pretty lights!” 

  Nina doesn't break eye contact with Gina. “I'll be right there, beautiful,” she calls out. “Go save us a spot.” She blinks up at her old friend curiously, not moving a muscle until she is sure that her date obediently left the room. “I meant it, Gi,” she says softly, a sincere smile teasing its way out. She steps away, glancing back right before she's out of sight. “You look stunning.”

  When Val leaves that summer for New York, Maddox takes her place. 

  She's new in town, and just naive enough to fall for every one of Nina’s lines when they meet at the community pool. 

  (Well, Maddox is at the pool. 

  Nina is getting high behind the public bathrooms adjacent to the pool.)

  “And this is where the cheerleaders will force you to sacrifice a freshman to the gods of the UCA NHSCC that's held at Disney every year!” Nina waves her arm over the locker room, the last stop on their tour so that Maddox can slip into her uniform for the first day assembly. 

  Maddox giggles at the gesture. “You make it sound like they're a cult.” She shakes her head fondly. “I already told you that the captain seems super sweet!” Her eyes light up when she catches a figure approaching. “There she is! Hey-” 

  “Gina,” Nina smirks, an arm firmly wrapped around Maddox’s waist. “You didn't tell me you got promoted.” 

  “Mads, 
  
    please
  
   don't tell me this is the dreamy girlfriend you spent the last month gushing about at practice…” 

  Nina tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, batting her lashes in the direction of her latest fling. “Aw, baby, you bragged about me?” 

  Maddox’s cheeks turn a bright pink. “Well… maybe a 
  
    little…”
  
   Her face burns to the tip of her ears when Nina’s hand slides into her back pocket. 

  “Why don't you go get ready, M? The girls are almost done,” Gina encourages, looking away as Maddox kisses Nina goodbye and rushes through the doors. 

  “Gotta say, Porter, that uniform is leaving less and less to the imagination each year,” Nina grins, not even hiding the way she scans Gina’s body from head to toe. “Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

  “Have you no shame?” the taller girl scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “Your girlfriend is literally in the next room.”

  “Not when it comes to you.” She takes a step forward, and Gina is avoiding meeting her gaze. “Besides, girlfriend is a 
  
    loose
  
   term. If you ever get tired of just topping those pyramids, you know I’m just a call away…” 

  Gina doesn't even justify her response by replying, instead spinning on her heel and storming toward her teammate to warn her about the demon that is Nina Salazar-Roberts. 

  She thinks her eyes must be deceiving her when she's brought face-to-face with Gina again that Saturday night. 

  “All alone?”

  She wasn't even going to stay at this party, halfway to the door after hearing rumors about a rave on the U of U campus, but some force of nature compels her to glance toward the wall. 

  “Isn't Maddox your flavor of the month?” 

  Maddox is somewhere in the backyard, or at least that's where Nina last saw her. She lost track after Maddox used her torso for body shots. 

  “Don't tell me you're jealous…” She utilizes her right arm to prop her body up as she leans in close, pleasantly surprised when Gina doesn't object to the invasion of space. 

  God, where the f@ck is Bowen right now and why isn't he savoring every second he gets to call this girl his? 

  “I’d have to want to be either of you in that equation for that to happen, Nini.” 

  Her body tenses. “That's not my name, Princess.” 

  It hasn't been for a long time, she wants to remind her. 

  “Pretty sure that you're the one who always liked princesses. Who was it again?” If Gina wasn't so gorgeous, she really thinks she’d try to fight her. She's hypnotized by the way the taller girl’s lips pout directly in her line of sight. Such a small adjustment and she could just- “Aurora, I want to say?” 

  The memory of them curled into each other in Gina’s living room, sharing a bowl of popcorn that her mom prepared for them as soon as the DVD was put in sobers her quickly. 

  “Thinking about kissing me awake, Porter?” Nina recovers. “I can close my eyes really fast.”

  Gina doesn't miss a beat, and Nina can't help but notice the way her eyes flicker down. “Do you know how drunk I’d have to be to excuse kissing you?” 

  It's an opening, she figures, searching for the first cup in arm's length. “Well, I'll be up in the master bedroom…” She wraps Gina’s fingers around the red plastic. “In case you need an excuse.” 

  There has always been a power struggle when it came to Nina’s affections toward Gina. 

  Even before her rebrand, when they were dumb kids with all the hope in the world, all Gina would have to do is snap her fingers for Nini to be running from across the globe. She fawned over every move the taller girl made, awestruck by the pattern of each curl that fell in her face when they slept cuddled beneath Gina’s fluffy duvet. 

  In another lifetime, she 
  
    loved
  
   Gina Porter, and the claim that love had on her formed the need to cut said girl from her life. 

  She wonders if that's why she's so hellbent on being in control now, or if control is just something that she's grown accustomed to having and it has nothing to do with her childhood at all. 

  “My 
  
    name,
  
   Princess. Let's hear it first.” 

  Something she doesn't have to question at all?

  How Gina breathing out the two syllables she's asking for brings her more dopamine than she knows what to do with. 

  She tastes bitter, the beer fresh on her tongue when Nina closes the gap, and the smaller girl would be complaining if she didn't have Gina’s blunt nails digging into the back of her neck, clawing her closer. 

  Her hands curl beneath Gina’s thighs, lifting her without breaking the kiss so that she can set her on the dresser, ignoring the way the objects she's shoving off with her body clatter to the ground. 

  This has to be heaven. 

  She's not very religious– not anymore– but if she were to spend eternity anywhere, it'd be pressed into Gina, teasing little whines out against her lips when she doesn't immediately give in to what the cheerleader wants. 

  She's not going to take too much, either. 

  If nothing else, Nina has self control. 

  She's going to leave it at a heavy make out session in some stranger’s bed, blaming it on a sip of beer and a lapse in judgement like Gina will argue she was possessed with when she walked in. Sure, Nina’s sober at this point, but that's not important.

  “If I were your boyfriend,” she lets slip, and she doesn't dare actually imagine it, “you wouldn't have been out of my sight.” 

  It's a way to cut this off, end the moment without it getting too heavy. She reminds Gina of her perfect little quarterback downstairs, and they keep this their dirty little secret until the end of time. 

  “Yeah, well, you're not,” Gina jabs, and Nina is going to abandon ship- she 
  
    swears!-
  
   but then she takes in Gina’s swollen lips and the pretty flush across the tip of her nose and her chest rises and falls because she's still breathless and–

  “No,” Nina taunts, leaning in close. “I’m better.”

  Gina doesn't fight her like she expects. 

  In fact, she pulls her in more, her fists balled into Nini’s favorite shirt. She just 
  
    knows
  
   the collar is getting stretched, but she can't seem to care. 

  “Take me home,” Gina demands after a beat, and Nina’s eyes go wide. 

  
    “Excuse
  
   me?” 

  She doesn't remember taking acid, but there's no way this isn't a hallucination. 

  Gina scratches at her ribcage, and if Nina wasn't worried about this being her imagination before, the desperate little noise that comes from the back of Gina’s throat confirms it. 

  “Take.” 
  
    Kiss.
  
   “Me.” 
  
    Nip.
  
   “Home.” 
  
    Peck.
  

  There's no way this is 
  
    actually
  
   happening. 

  “If you hurry up, maybe I'll even break out my varsity uniform,” Gina teases, and that's all Nina needs to hear, jumping up and yanking Gina by her wrist so that they can get through the crowds downstairs as efficiently as possible. 

  She even lets out a dutiful, “Yes, ma'am!” for good measure, earning the most beautiful laugh before unlocking the door.

  One thing that Nina Salazar-Roberts does not do is 
  
    sleepovers.
  

  She's a perfect gentleman in every other aspect when pursuing someone with adoring comments and sweet nothings mumbled in vulnerable moments, extravagant gifts on ordinary days, even a serenade here and there when she 
  
    really
  
   wants to seal the deal, but when the fun is over after long nights, she puts back on her clothes and sneaks home so that she can shower away the guilt of not meaning a single word she says. 

  There's something about Gina Porter’s soft snores that changes that. 

  She doesn't remember falling asleep. It's sort of a blur from the moment Gina’s top landed near her lamp and the way she giggled when Nina stumbled trying to kick off her boots. 

  
    (“Why don't you try unlacing docs with your tongue down a pretty girl’s throat, Porter? See how hard you'll be laughing then!” 
  

  
    “Okay! Trade shoes with me right now!”)
  

  (Gina did it effortlessly, but they're not gonna talk about that.) 

  The air is cold against her skin when she pulls herself out from the covers. She grabs the first shirt she sees, ignoring the way her stomach flutters when the scent of Gina’s perfume overwhelms her. 

  It's a little big, but it’s not swallowing her. She smirks at the little leopard logo in the center of the font they used for their intensive cheer bootcamp last summer. 

  She drove Maddox every day. 

  Gina’s room is much like she remembers, but somehow just a little more sophisticated. She swapped her Powerpuff Girls alarm clock for a digital one, traded her butterfly night light for a vanity mirror. Her desk no longer is cluttered with stickers and puffy paint but neatly arranged with appropriate supplies to get homework done. 

  Realistically, it's only been a handful of years since she’d been here, but it feels like decades have passed when she catches sight of a cork board full of photos dating back to elementary school. 

  Most of them are with Ricky and Red over the years, though Big Red appears less and less the older they get. She wonders what happened to them. She'd never met a pair as close as the boys were, but she can't even picture the last time she saw them as much as greet each other in the halls. 

  The corner of a polaroid peeks from behind a ribbon from last cheer season’s competitions. Carefully, she moves the fabric and reveals a photo of herself. 

  Gina’s the one taking it. She had just received the camera for her birthday and she told Nini that she wanted to only use it to capture her favorite things in the universe. 

  
    “I’m one of your favorite things?” Nini blushed, unable to hide how wide her grin was spreading. 
  

  
    “You 
  
  
    are
  
  
     my favorite thing,” Gina divulged, pressing her eye close to the lens. “Now, smile!”
  

  Her hand drops to her side, letting the image disappear once again. 

  Gina stirs from the mattress, leaving Nina to dash across her carpet and find solace in the bathroom. 

  The last thing she needs right now is to be caught reminiscing. 

  “This is never happening again,” Gina glares up at her ceiling in frustration. “You shouldn't even be able to climb into my window! I live upstairs for a reason!” 

  Nina sits on her floor, sifting through a pile of books from the bedside drawer Gina had forgotten about. She glances at the large tree on Gina’s front lawn, the branches creating a perfect bridge to her bay window, but decides to let the other girl have her moment. 

  “How do you have a first edition of 
  
    Peter and Wendy
  
   crammed into your nightstand?” she scoffs, carefully examining the cover. “This is literally like a hundred years old.” 

  Gina waves her off. “Jamie sent it after he got his fancy new promotion and stopped calling.” 

  Nina gulps. She’d forgotten that was the story that Gina was read by her brother most nights. 

  “Can we get back to the point?” Gina huffs, flipping her body so that she's facing the other teenager. “This is never happening again!” 

  Nina smirks. “That's not what you were saying last night…” 

  “Not important!” Gina yelps, whipping the first object she can get her hands on right at her head. 

  “Ow!” Nina throws her body back dramatically, her palm flying to her forehead in pretend agony. “Oh no! I see the light!” She squints for the full effect. 

  “Shut up! That didn't even hurt!” It was only an empty water bottle from this morning, but if it were full, it probably would've! 

  “Tell Maddox she was the hottest cheerleader I have ever been with!” 

  Gina gasps, scrambling out of bed to pin Nina on the ground. “Take that back!” 

  Nina laughs freely, exactly the rise she was seeking granted instantly. “I thought we worked through that little jealousy issue you have?” she teases, and Gina looks like she's debating either kissing her or strangling her. 

  “You are so…” she struggles for a word to encapsulate everything she feels in that second. 

  “Incredible? Sexy? Best you've ever had?” 

  “Humble,” Gina snorts in place, stealing a lazy kiss from the girl beneath her. 

  “Don't get it twisted, Princess,” she smirks, eyes locking when she pulls back. “Your pom poms are the only ones that rock my world.” 

  “You are 
  
    disgusting.”
  
   Gina presses her lips against Nina’s cheek. “Absolutely 
  
    revolting.”
  
   Then a small peck to her jaw, reveling in the way her back arches in response. “The worst person I know.” She nips at her neck now, trailing down to an exposed collar bone. “I am going to throw you off the nearest cliff the first chance I get.” 

  “But until then?” Nina asks, fingers finding messy curls to tug at. Gina bites down on her skin, making her hiss at the sensation. 

  “Make yourself useful,” Gina commands, and Nina does 
  
    not
  
   need to be told twice. 

  The lines between Nini and Nina start to fade about a month and a half into their endeavor. 

  She receives a text from Gina to come over after curfew, nothing out of the ordinary, but when she promptly arrives, Gina doesn't immediately tug her into bed as usual. 

  “Everything alright, Princess?” 

  Gina pouts. She won't even make eye contact. 

  “You're going to be 
  
    so
  
   annoying about this,” she grumbles, and it eases the anxiety that something is seriously wrong. 

  “Is that so?” Nina prods, arms crossed in front of her. She takes a step forward. “What's going on, beautiful?” 

  Gina mumbles out something incoherent. 

  “I’m sorry?” 

  “I 
  
    said,”
  
   Gina grits, barely raising her voice, “I missed sleeping next to you.” 

  Nini absolutely lights up. 

  
    (Nini. 
  
  
    Not
  
   Nina.)

  “What was that, Gi?” she grins, cupping her hand to her ear. “I didn't quite hear you.” 

  “Nini…” Gina lets out a groan, her palms flying to cover her crimson cheeks. “Stop it! I shouldn't have even-” 

  Nini cuts her off, tackling Gina against her sheets. “Nope! No taking it back!” she beams, peppering kisses all over the back of Gina’s hands. 

  She giggles at the affection, revealing a gentle smile. “You're such a jerk.” 

  She doesn't mean it. Nini can see in the way she bites her tongue to avoid grinning wider. 

  “A jerk that you missed,” she reminds her, stealing a proper hello from her lips.

  Gina pushes her off, and Nini lets herself fall into the space beside her. “Just take off those ugly ripped jeans so we can cuddle already.” 

  Nini begins to unbutton them, but not before she flashes a playful look. 

  “Two minutes in your room and you're already trying to get me out of my pants? For f@ck’s sake, Gina, have some shame.” 

  Gina throws a full water bottle this time. 

  The next morning, Gina begs her not to come over in the middle of the night anymore. She says hooking up at school is the next to go.

  “Even if I ask,” she pleads, “don’t come.” 

  When Nini asks her why, she sighs dejectedly. 

  “I need to learn how to handle missing you again…” she confesses. “I need to be okay when this ends.” 

  She doesn't bring it up. 

  Partially because she just doesn't want to, but also because if she acknowledges that she's letting go of her latter persona, she'll have to face the fact that she still hasn't grieved what she's lost so many years ago. 

  Gina, on the other hand, has no qualms. 

  “You're not Nini right now.” She's slightly slurring, and Nina is sure she wouldn't be saying this if she were sober. “You look like her, but you're not.” 

  She can feel the buzz of the joint blooming in her ribs, warmth spreading to her limbs. 

  F@ck, she needs to get high more. 

  With all her free time spent at Gina’s side, she's barely had a chance to keep up with her teenage shenanigans. 

  “And what makes me Nini?” 

  Her vulnerability. 

  Nini is the one that breaks all of her rules. She sneaks in just to cuddle, shares her sweets and grabs Gina’s favorite smoothie on her way over just because. She steals kisses for herself, and she holds Gina tight throughout the night. Her cheeks flush at the thought of Gina’s smile and the way she accidentally calls her 
  
    ‘baby’
  
   when she's half-asleep. She wholeheartedly means it when she calls the other girl the most breathtaking person she’s ever met; says she’d do anything for one more day hearing her laugh. 

  Nini has been in love with Gina Porter since she was a little girl, and Nina walked into this for a good time only. 

  Gina describes specifics, but it all draws back to the fact that the walls built around herself crumble under the cheerleader’s spell. 

  She stares for a moment. 

  Gina seems almost sad at the fact, like she doesn't like the version in front of her. 

  It can't be, though. 

  
    Everyone
  
   likes Nina. 

  Who actually cared about Nini? 

  “Who do you like more?” she blurts, and her lungs long for another hit. She’d do anything to have a tangible reason for the burning in her chest. 

  Gina doesn't hesitate. “Nini.” Her fingers are delicately tracing the outlines of her bone structure, her lips parting when Gina brushes against her pout. “I like when you're Nini with me.” 

  Nini feels like she’s free falling; the way her pulse stutters. It’s as if she's just leaped off a cliff, plummeting into a rocky shore that shows no mercy. 

  “I'll try to be her more then.” She doesn't say it above a whisper, as if speaking it at full volume will change how devoted she is. 

  (It won't.)

  Gina looks down at her as if she's just won the lottery. “Just for me?” 

  She can't bear looking at those eyes anymore, wrapping her arms around Gina’s waist and pressing her ear against her chest. 

  She counts the beats of her heart, mimicking them with her breath. 

  
    Ba-dum. One.
  

  She ignores the tears forming, threatening to spill against Gina’s skin. 

  
    Ba-dum. Two.
  

  “Just for you.” 

  
    Ba-dum. Three. 
  

  Due to the fact that she can no longer deny Gina has fully weaseled her way into her life, Nini invites her over the following Tuesday. 

  Never before has Nina brought 
  
    anyone
  
   back home with her, but Gina used to spend entire weekends here. It's not like she's going to be seeing anything new. 

  When Gina prods and gets her answers– because she 
  
    always
  
   gets whatever she wants without as much as a please– the shorter girl is left with the heavy weight of admitting that she has never seen Nina as herself. 

  She's someone untouchable, beyond feelings. She’s adored– 
  
    needed. 
  

  F@ck, Nini just wants to feel needed. 

  These pieces of her are just for Gina, just for the moments for them alone to cherish. 

  “Was I really yours?” she asks hours later, counting the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling for the tenth time. 

  (There’s still exactly twenty-eight and one moon.)

  “What?” 

  They haven't said a word in a while, simply enjoying the peace that settles when they rest with their hands intertwined. 

  “Was I really 
  
    yours?
  
   When we were kids?” she repeats, not particularly concerned with how desperate she sounds. 

  Gina tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. 

  “Can I tell you a secret, Nini?” 

  She nods, restricting the air in her lungs in preparation. 

  “I don't think there's ever been a single day in our lives that we haven't belonged to each other.” 

  Gina comes over two days later without calling, her eyes puffy and nose red. 

  “Princess?” 

  Nini is thankful her mom is still at work. She'd never shut up about this.

  “I…” Gina sniffles shyly. “I didn't even realize I was coming here until I knocked. I can go-” 

  She tries to spin, but Nini stops her. 

  “Gina, what happened?” 

  Of all the things that Nini is expecting her to say, 
  
    “I just broke up with Ricky…”
  
   doesn't cross her mind 
  
    once. 
  

  “I’m sorry– 
  
    what?”
  
   

  Gina folds her arms in front of her. “I don't know! He came over for a movie night because I’ve made no effort to hang out lately, and when he put his arm around me, I f@ck@ng 
  
    cringed,
  
   and then he brought up how I’m barely around anymore so I mentioned that maybe we’re just growing apart and–” 

  Nini panics. She reaches out, pulling Gina into a frenzied kiss. 

  “Uh…” Gina blinks when she leans back, her face bunching in confusion. “Thank… you?” 

  “I didn't know how else to get your brain to stop,” she explains, stepping aside so that Gina can enter. 

  Her mind briefly flashes to Lily and her stolen cigarettes. The girl who changed everything for her.

  “It seems like there are a lot of other ways to do that, but if that's the story you're going with…” Gina follows her inside. They silently pad up the stairs, and Nini closes the bedroom door behind them for no particular reason. 

  She's the first to break the silence. 

  “So, you and Ricky are really-” 

  “I didn't do it for you,” Gina clarifies, a little too suddenly. “I did it for 
  
    me.
  
   It wasn't because of our.. 
  
    thing
  
   happening between us.” 
  
    Ouch.
  
   “I just couldn't keep pretending anymore.” An incredulous laugh escapes her. “I felt so… 
  
    trapped
  
   with him. It's like after our first few weeks together, he stopped putting in any effort. He no longer plans any sort of dates. There's no walking to class together. He doesn't remember my breakfast order. Fuck, even when he kisses me, it's these weak little pecks out of obligation when he says goodbye. It’s nothing like-” 

  How 
  
    Nini
  
   kisses her, she is going to say. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. 

  “Well,” she snaps. “You know what I mean.” 

  Nini is tempted to take advantage of the admission- or 
  
    lack
  
   of admission, she supposes– and dig deeper into the statement. What 
  
    does
  
   she mean by that? What is it about Nini that's so remarkable and made her change every standard she previously upheld? 

  But that would be admitting that this is for more than just fun, that Nini 
  
    cares
  
   for her, deeply and truly, and those feelings are reserved for 
  
    real
  
   couples. 

  Not a 
  
    thing.
  

  “I know what you mean,” Nini tells her gently with an understanding gleam. She holds out her hand, exhaling softly when Gina takes it. 

  “No one has ever treated me how you do,” Gina confides, staring hard at her shoes. “No one–” 

  “Gina, it's okay,” Nini promises. “We don't have to get into it.” 

  She 
  
    can't
  
   get into it. 

  Falling a little more in love with Gina each day is actually going to ruin her life if it's manifested into the universe. 

  “Can you just hold me for a little bit?” Gina begs, finally glancing up. “It always makes me feel better.” 

  Nini gives in. She’ll 
  
    always
  
   give in, and Gina will never truly accept that because the head cheerleader doesn't fall in love with the bad girl, let alone the dorky little best friend in a plastic tiara that she met on her first day of kindergarten. 

  The princess finds her prince charming, and until Nini can magically shift into one, this is as close to reciprocation as she will ever get. 

  “Start a timer!” 

  It's one of 
  
    their
  
   Saturdays– what they're called now that they don't have to pretend they'd rather be at parties– and Gina has just challenged Nini to resist her charm. 

  It's a lost cause. Nini just can't admit it yet because what is she if not stubborn? She forces Gina to unlock her phone, watching stealthily as she begins a stopwatch. 

  She lasts just over three minutes, and it’s only because she closed her eyes when Gina climbed over her lap to get a drink. What breaks her is the comment on how soft the skirt Gina is wearing is, placing Nini’s hand on the hemline dangerously high on her thighs so she could feel the fabric. 

  Still, there are worse things to lose at. 

  
    “Nina…”
  
   Gina whines, not wanting to lean in first, and Nini’s body seizes. 

  “Don't call me Nina,” she commands, meeting confused brown eyes blinking down at her. 

  She's not Nina right now. Her guard is down, heart on the very edge of her sleeve for Gina’s taking in the safety of her bedroom. She writes every love song imaginable about the beautiful girl watching her, and Nina wouldn't do that. 

  
    Nini
  
   would. 

  Yet, she's not ready for that commitment either. 

  “Just don't right now, okay?” she continues, and Gina doesn't seem satisfied at all with that solution at all. She prays for the miracle of Gina dropping it. “Just don't call me anything.”

  
    
      NO!
    
  

  
    
      you are NOT allowed over 
    
  

  
    
      no cuddling, no kisses, no breathing my air until i’m not snotty and gross 
    
  

  
    but i miss you too ): 
  

  She stares at the texts on her screen, taking a moment to dislike all of them except the last before her name is called. 

  “Nina?” the CVS pharmacist asks, and she immediately rises. “I see you're here for a flu vaccine? It's a little late in the season, are you sure you wouldn't rather just wait it out?” 

  Nini eyes her lockscreen. It's Gina fawning over an origami butterfly she made, cupping it carefully as if it were the real thing. 

  She lifts up the sleeve of her t-shirt, poking her bicep bravely. “Lay it on me.” 

  “You really didn't have to do all of this,” Gina denounces. “You shouldn’t risk catching whatever I have.” 

  Nini shakes her head, scooping out another bite of the lugaw she reheated. 

  (It turns out, if you don't warm a thermos before putting the warm food in, it does not work that well!) 

  “Princess, I’d sit through a million and a half flu bouts if it means you're not alone when you feel like this.” She holds the spoon just barely from Gina’s lips, smiling smugly when the cheerleader takes a bite without much of a fight. 

  “It's 
  
    so 
  
  good…” Gina mumbles, and Nini’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. 

  “You like it?” She can hardly believe it. “I haven't tried any of this batch yet, but when my lola would make it, I would have like four bowls. She also made this soup all of the time– I think you had it, actually. It was in our dinner lineup at least once a week. They would've called it chicken noodle but my lola called it chicken pastel, and it was my 
  
    favorite.
  
  ” Nini’s face burns a light pink when she realizes that she's rambling. “I used to get so excited when I was allowed to cut the hotdogs we put in.” 

  They were the special ones that they had to drive to the Asian grocery store for. Nini never could really tell the difference, but her lola claimed to, so Nini would pretend. 

  “I think I remember it.” Gina’s voice isn't normal because of how raw her throat is, but the rasp isn't something Nini particularly minds. “She would sometimes put shrimp in it cause that’s my favorite.” 

  Nini actually insisted when she knew Gina would be coming over, but 
  
    semantics.
  
   

  “That's the one.” 

  Nini doesn't catch anything because she gets her flu shot. 

  Gina says it was just dumb luck, but Nini didn't tough out getting stabbed for nothing! 

  
    (“You were not stabbed!” Gina’s eyes roll as far back as possible. “You're the most annoying human on the face of this planet.”)
  

  Her phone chiming interrupts the memory.

  On this day 4 months ago…

  She clicks it curiously, and she can't help the grin that forms when she sees a snapchat of 
  
    the
  
   party. It's a blurry photo of Maddox scrunching her face with a slice of lime between her teeth, in the midst of her fourth body shot that she insisted she needed to take.

  She was with Gina less than an hour later.

  Nini can't believe it's already been four months. It simultaneously feels like eons ago as well as last week. Time grows fuzzy around the other girl, so she can't even fault her confusion. 

  She dials Gina instinctively. 

  “Hey, are you home right now?” 

  The flowers are meant to be fun. 

  Not only did Nini spend a 
  
    fortune
  
   getting same-hour delivery, but she took a good forty minutes just selecting the right arrangement. 

  It couldn't be too bright as it would clash with Gina’s decor, but it couldn't be plain because Gina deserves the most flamboyant gestures, and there's no way she could get one with roses– she's not 
  
    that
  
   cliché. 

  “Do you like them?” 

  Gina beats her to her front door, which is fair considering she 
  
    lives
  
   there and all, but it makes Nini feel a little dumb for sprinting over because she didn't want to take the time to find her keys.

  She gives a short explanation as to why she's out of breath, covered in a light sheen of sweat. 

  “What do you mean?” Gina frowns. “Tell me what you meant when you wrote the card.” 

  Isn't it obvious? 

  “Uh… exactly what it says?” That's not good enough, though. Nini can tell from the look she's getting. “It's been four months since that party. I got a snap memory from that night, and thought it'd be cute to-”

  
    “You were wrong.”
  
   

  Her stomach drops when the flowers are shoved against her chest. 

  “You can't send me flowers like this. We're not dating.” 

  Nini wasn't doing it as her girlfriend, but she surely didn't think they were 
  
    nothing
  
   when she selected them. 

  
    “Gina…”
  
   

  The cheerleader won't have it. 

  “I don't know what gave you the idea that we were-”

  That's where Nini snaps. 

  She 
  
    doesn't know?
  
   Who the f@ck is Gina trying to kid that she doesn't know where Nini would get the idea that they mean something to each other? 

  “You don't know what?!” She avoids confronting the way Gina’s eyes go wide. 
  
    “You
  
   gave me the idea, Gina, that you 
  
    actually
  
   cared about me.” She wishes that the game could just be up, that Gina could just 
  
    give in
  
   for once. “You kept pushing your way in, making me tell you things that I purposely avoid thinking about, and now I’m the crazy one for having the idea that maybe we're more than nothing? We’re more than just friends?”

  Nini is so f@ck@ng tired. She's exhausted from the back and forth of being Gina’s entire world to some fluke on her ledger. 

  “We're not–” 

  “No, Gina,” she spits angrily, “
  
    you're
  
   not.” Nini has been beyond the point of return since the day they met. “You won't admit that we have something because it doesn't align with your perfect little image you want to leave school with!” The amazing head cheerleader, top of the social food chain with the most popular boy in school following her like a puppy, exactly what Nini would 
  
    never
  
   be. “You prodded all around! You called me 
  
    yours, 
  
  
    trapped
  
   me in your web!”

  Hurt contorts to pure rage, and if Nini wasn't ready to scream, she would feel remorse for inflicting such a change. “Oh, so now I 
  
    trapped
  
   you?” Gina shouts. “If you're so trapped with me, Nina, then why don't you just go!” This is 
  
    so
  
   not how she thought the flowers would go. “I’m not holding you here at gunpoint, you know! Maybe if you took some f@ck@ng responsibility for your actions, you would realize that trusting me was 
  
    your
  
   decision!”

  “Worst decision I’ve ever made!” Her anger is fueling her now, driving every word out of her mouth. “Why don't you be honest with yourself for once? Make up your f@ck@ng mind! But don't expect me to be holding my breath, waiting for a confession to take you back!”

  She hates that she 
  
    can't
  
   mean it. She'd always be waiting for Gina. The curse of falling in love is that she's going to hold her breath for the rest of her life, awaiting someone that isn't going to come. She’ll be in the back of her mind during every kiss, every touch. 

  She pauses halfway down the walkway, giving up on fighting the sobs that are bubbling beneath the surface. “And don't you 
  
    dare
  
   try to act like this is about me leaving you and not you refusing to give me something to leave, Gina.” 

  If there's going to be a narrative here, she could 
  
    at least
  
   give Nini the common decency for it to be accurate. 

  The last time Nini cried this hard, she was thirteen years old. 

  Her Mama D had just officially moved out, and she had her first night curled in her lola’s bed alone. 

  She was just going to lay for a few minutes to feel better, she 
  
    swears,
  
   but then everything smelled so safe and warm and like 
  
    home.
  

  This house hasn't felt like home in so long.

  Carol found her only ten minutes into the meltdown, calling her name all over the house to see if she wanted to load her bed with candy and watch movies like they would when she was tiny. 

  
    “Oh, Nini,” Mama C cooed, using little effort to lift her daughter’s shaking body onto her lap and hold her close. “It'll be alright.” 
  

  
    Nini shakes her head against her mother's shirt. “It's never going to be okay ever again.” It 
  
  
    couldn't.
  
  
     Not without her family in tact.
  

  
    Mama C sighs heavily, then she runs her palm down Nini’s spine. “I know it feels like that, but one day, we’ll have our new normal, and this will all be a bad memory.” 
  

  
    Nini cries harder. She doesn't 
  
  
    ever
  
  
     want Mama D to be a bad memory.
  
   

  Her music is so loud that she has a migraine, though the pounding in her skull is a relief compared to the ache in her chest. 

  She snaps her head to the door, slamming her hand on the pause button so she can make a snippy comment. She expects it's Carol barreling in with a basket of laundry or some other lame excuse to start a conversation. 

  “I thought we had an understa-” 

  It's not Carol. 

  
    “Gina?”
  
   It's not someone she expected to see outside of obligated spaces for the rest of her life. “What the hell are you doing in my house right now?” 

  “I missed you.” 

  It takes every ounce of willpower not to give in. 

  Gina is standing there, hopeful and sorry, and Nini is trying so hard to have it in her to resist. 

  “Good for you.” 

  Thank god for her pride. 

  “Nini…” Gina pleads, stealing her speaker. “I messed up.” 
“No sh@t, Sherlock.” She scans her desk for something to write with, fully intending on titling the blank page of her journal that's visible I hate you, Gina Porter! “If that's all you have to say, you can go.” 
  There's less than five things that could leave Gina’s mouth right now that would convince Nini that she deserves another chance. 

  “I was!” 

  Confusing the f@ck out of her is number three! 

  “That night at the party, when you first walked up to me? You made a joke asking if I was thinking about kissing you awake…” Oh, she can't mean- “I was– well, I 
  
    am.
  
   All of the time, I am just thinking of being with you and making you laugh and making out in your room while we pretend we’re watching movies that you let me pick.” 

  She comes close, but not close enough to trap Nini in front of her. She knows Gina too well to see that she doesn't want Nini forced to stay put. She wants her to 
  
    choose
  
   her. “You're not my boyfriend-” 

  And Nini 
  
    does.
  
   Out of every person, every creature alive at this very second, Nini chooses 
  
    Gina.
  
   She'd 
  
    always
  
   choose Gina, not even considering another option because there's no one she belongs with more. 

  “You're 
  
    just
  
   figuring that out?” She lightens the mood. 
  
    Anything
  
   to erase those little wrinkles in Gina’s forehead she gets when she's stressed. 

  “If I were to make a list of the perfect partner,” she hears, and her breath gets caught in her throat, “it would be a mile long. It would describe someone perfectly made for me, and I always thought that it was supposed to be Ricky.” 

  It 
  
    was.
  
   The quarterback is supposed to get the girl of everyone's dreams, treat her like an absolute goddess because they're meant to be. “But the only one that fits is 
  
    you.
  
  ” Nini takes her bottom lip between her teeth, hoping it's not too noticeable that she's staring with all the enamorment in existence. “You’re 
  
    not
  
   my boyfriend, and you were right that night.”

  She doesn't have the brain capacity to figure out what the f@ck Gina is referencing now, too engulfed in the way Gina inches closer, giving her plenty of opportunities she won't take to reject the advances. 

  “And what was I right about, Princess?” She cups Gina’s cheek, face flushing at the way she is unabashedly stared at. 

  
    “You're better.”
  

  Shamelessly worshipping Gina in her day to day life isn't much different now that they're official, she learns. 

  Books are still carried to every class, stolen kisses exchanged when they're within one hundred yards of each other. The rest of the student body even notices, unable to find anything wrong in the way the two girls absolutely adore each other. 

  “So, you and Gina, huh?” Nini hears from behind her, shutting her locker to face the intruder. 

  “Something like that.” She smiles at Big Red. He's probably the only person here that knows how inevitable this was, including Ricky. 

  “It's about time you guys realize that you were made for one another,” he teases. They start to walk down the hallway. “I've been counting down since we were five, and she gushed over you breaking that third grader’s nose.” They suddenly stop, both expected in opposite classrooms. 

  Nini snorts at the mention. “I completely forgot about that.” The kid transferred out not much later, so it wasn't like she had to see him often. “I should get to class, though. Gina will kill me if I miss the movie tonight because I’m in detention.” 

  Red nods, taking a long stride in the direction of his homeroom. “Hey, Nini?” 

  She glances over her shoulder, not bothering to correct him on the nickname. She accepts both these days. “Yeah?” 

  He does a thumbs up. “Go lesbians.” 

  She can't help but laugh. All she can see is her red headed best friend covered in freckles, beaming at her through the fence as she is lugged home angrily. 

  She raises her fist, thrusting it up. She's never heard a truer statement.'
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