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Assistant: Title: Panic
        Author: strawb3rry_v0dka strawb3rry_v0dka 
        Chapter: 1/1 
        Summary: “He’s a mess, his usually perfect hair is all out of place with strands sticking out in weird directions, like he’d been pulling on it. His clothes too— if it were anyone else Gavin wouldn’t see anything wrong with them, but Nines was different. He wouldn’t be caught dead without ironed slacks and a tucked in button up, the pretentious little sh@t. But here he was, an untucked tee with wrinkled jeans, and Gavin knew something was wrong.There was also the wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look he wore and his harsh, sporadically blinking red LED that maybe clued Gavin in a bit more than everything else.”Nines has a panic attack. Gavin helps him through it, even if he’d much rather be sleeping.
        Contents: Summary:
            
              “He’s a mess, his usually perfect hair is all out of place with strands sticking out in weird directions, like he’d been pulling on it. His clothes too— if it were anyone else Gavin wouldn’t see anything wrong with them, but Nines was different. He wouldn’t be caught dead without ironed slacks and a tucked in button up, the pretentious little sh@t. But here he was, an untucked tee with wrinkled jeans, and Gavin knew something was wrong.There was also the wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look he wore and his harsh, sporadically blinking red LED that maybe clued Gavin in a bit more than everything else.”Nines has a panic attack. Gavin helps him through it, even if he’d much rather be sleeping.
            
        

        
  Notes:

    

        
          Translation into Русский available: Panic by atror_173
        


    

    
      Oh reed900 how I’ve missed u. Anyways I started this forever ago and remembered it existed recently and ACTUALLY finished a WIP. But yeah this one was written all on my phone so if it’s bad leave me alone this started mostly as a vent fic jfskkdlala but I hope u enjoy <3
    

    (See the end of the work for more notes.)



  





    
        
          Gavin can’t sleep.He never can really, but that doesn’t make him any less frustrated as he tosses and turns in his bed. Eventually, sometime around 4 a.m., he gives up— resigning himself to the fact he’s going to be pulling another all-nighter, whether he wants to or not. He’s just glad he doesn’t have work tomorrow. Gavin sighs as he rolls out of bed. He might as well try and be somewhat productive, get a (ridiculously early) start to his day. He hops in the shower and his mind repeats the same b@llsh@t it always does— how much he hates himself and how useless he is— y’know, the usual. At some point Gavin got used to just ignoring it, allowing the once oppressive thoughts to run in the background. It’s routine, by this point. Try to go to sleep, can’t, gets mad at himself for staying up so late, gets  angrier  because he’s mad at himself for  getting  mad (he’s not a little kid anymore, he’s  supposed to be able to keep his emotions more in check than this), until he gets so exhausted he either passes out or suffers through the day on nothing but caffeine. Speaking of, after he gets out of his shower he pours himself a cup of coffee, hoping the nice warm drink will help soothe him, if even for just a moment. He holds the mug in his hands and resists the urge to squeeze as hard as he can, letting the ceramic shatter and cut his fingers as it clatters on the ground. Gavin shakes the thought away, settling for taking another sip. So much for some kind of reprieve. He thinks about making some food next, but after searching the fridge and the pantry he realizes he doesn’t have much to eat. That was fine, Gavin wasn’t quite hungry yet anyway— though to be honest, he didn’t have much of an appetite at  all these days.He knew that was a problem, the whole skipping meals thing. But hey, what’s one more bad thing? When  everything  is bad, it sort of becomes the new normal. So, whatever. Just something else to add to the pile. He’d long since accepted happiness was never gonna be an option for him, so at this point his goal is just staying alive. Mostly out of spite more than anything else. Taking all of Gavin’s general feelings and attitude towards life into consideration, it’s no wonder everyone thinks he’s a bitter, miserable f@ck-up. He  is. All his hatred and anger is hard to contain, and no matter how much he tries to control it, the rage spills over— consumes him until he burns every bridge with anyone who had the audacity to try and get close. F@ck, he’s tired. Maybe he should just lay back down. He turns on the TV instead, playing his comfort show from when he was a kid to distract his brain from the never-ending onslaught of depressing thoughts it was always so insistent on bringing him. Although, he’s seen Gravity Falls so many times by this point he could probably quote the whole thing, and knowing everything that comes next means it isn’t the  most  effective at getting his brain to shut off. Plus, the nostalgia of it makes him spiral a bit, the good memories from his childhood mixing with the bad until he’s completely consumed by thoughts he’s worked so hard to bury. He wishes for some small mercy to drag him out of the past, something that will bring him back to now and keep him there. Because, yeah— Gavin’s life f@ck@ng sucked. But at least he wasn’t in high school anymore. Or  middle school  for that matter…yikes. Add in abusive parents and a genius brother who always outshined him and you get Gavin Reed’s origin story. A horrid schooling experience complete with too many fights and a lot of suspensions plus an even worse home life getting locked in closets and leaving with bruises that got increasingly difficult to hide. He knows he’s not special by any means, everybody’s got their sh@t. He knows better than to try and stand out, it’s why he lets himself fade into the background. When he dies he hopes nobody remembers him. There should be no one who grieves him, no one who should stand by his grave and cry. He’s nothing, and it’s better that way. When you love nobody, and nobody loves you— nothing can get taken away from you. He’s gotten enough taken from him for one lifetime, thank you very much. He’s done with all that sh@t. Depending on others has only ever gotten him hurt. God, was it really 5 a.m. already? Maybe he could try sleeping again. Hopefully he was drowsy enough to crash, and he could get some rest for at least a  couple hours. Gavin moves towards his bedroom, but a sudden, frantic knock at his door stops him. He freezes, but only for a second. He’s quick to act, rushing inside his room and pulling his gun out of the bedside table drawer. No one should be here, especially not at this hour. His best guess is someone from a case he was on found out about him and is here to get their revenge. The knocking comes again, louder— growing more and more impatient by the second. He tucks the gun into his waistband, behind his back. He keeps one hand on the pistol, preparing for a fight, and opens the door. Gavin releases his hold on his gun instantly when he sees who it is. It’s Nines. Why the  f@ck  is it  Nines?  “Jesus,  Nines. I thought you were someone sent here to kill me,” Gavin said, a shaky exhale of relief escaping him without his permission. “The hell are you  doing here?”It’s only now, after the initial shock has died down, that he actually gets a good look at Nines. Or more accurately, at the state that he’s in. He’s a mess, his usually perfect hair is all out of place with strands sticking out in weird directions, like he’d been pulling on it. His clothes too— if it were anyone else Gavin wouldn’t see anything wrong with them, but Nines was different. He wouldn’t be caught dead without ironed slacks and a tucked in button up, the pretentious little sh@t. But here he was, an untucked tee with wrinkled jeans, and Gavin knew something was wrong. There was also the wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look he wore and his harsh, sporadically blinking red LED that maybe clued Gavin in a bit more than everything else. “I-I’m sorry— I don’t know…something— something’s  w-wrong,  and I c-can’t  fix it.”  His voice is so glitchy Gavin’s having trouble making it all out. F@ck, was he broken or something? “H-help me,  please.” Nines b@lls the fabric of his shirt up, clutching over where Gavin’s  pretty  sure his thirium pump was. He wasn’t super educated on android anatomy, alright? Give him a break. Oh  God,  he was  not equipped to handle this.“Shouldn’t you go to Cyberlife for this sorta sh@t? I’m really not sure how  I’m supposed to help you here, Nines.”Nines shakes his head as his eyes grow impossibly wider. “It’s n-not— I ran dia-diagnostics and… n-nothing!  It s-said everything’s  fine—  b-but it’s  not fine!” G@dd@mn, Gavin wishes he was asleep right now. “Alright— ok, you’ve gotta stop freaking out and actually  explain  what’s going on with you. Just f@ck@ng  breathe for a second.”That only seems to send Nines deeper into his…whatever this was. He feels bad for making it worse, but in Gavin’s defense, he  didn’t know what was f@ck@ng happening.  “I DON’T  BREATHE!” Nines screeched, the static in his voice getting so bad Gavin winces and reflexively covers his ears. “Sh@t— right, yeah…that’s fully my bad.” Gavin knew that, of course he f@ck@ng did, he’s not a  total  idiot. He’d just been so stressed with this whole situation and seriously,  why  was Nines panicking  so much—  oh. “I think you’re having a panic attack,” Gavin said as the realization hit him. Nines’ expression shifts, confusion mixing in with the fear. Gavin reaches a hand up but stops short of actually touching Nines. He knows when he had panic attacks he’d freak if anyone tried to grab him, so he’s being cautious. “Can I touch you? I’m just gonna lead you to the couch so you can sit down,” Gavin explained. Nines takes a beat before nodding slowly, still clawing over that same place on his chest. Gavin gently takes both his hands in his own and walks backwards into his apartment, finally letting Nines step out of the hall. He turns them both around and kicks the door closed before taking them over to the couch as promised, moving one hand to Nines’ shoulder and pressing down softly to lead him to sit. Once he does Gavin sits on the coffee table across from him and goes to pull away, but Nines grips the hand he’s still holding so tightly that Gavin worries if he tried to let go again Nines would break a finger. “First of all, I know it seems like you’re stuck in this feeling— but it’s all temporary, ok? It  will go away,” Gavin said. “…Do you p- promise?”  Christ, he sounded so f@ck@ng terrified. Nines always seemed so invincible, like nothing in the world could get to him— so seeing him like this…it pierced through Gavin’s skin and made him itch in a way he couldn’t quite describe. “I promise.” And while Gavin might be the worst, he always kept his promises. He feels so stupid for not understanding what this was sooner— after all, he had  plenty  of personal experience dealing with panic attacks. But his usually involved a lot more hysterics— sobbing uncontrollably as he struggled to find some air. Though, if you didn’t  need  to breathe…well. He knows Nines can’t cry either— there were models who could, the ones built to seem more empathetic and  ‘human.’  But Nines was built to be a killing machine and nothing more, so Cyberlife probably didn’t think there’d be much need for tears there. Gavin wonders if that feels strange— if Nines ever gets the sensation that he  should  be crying but he  can’t.  Whatever, there’s a much bigger problem to be addressed right now. Usually the first step was trying to get your breathing under control, but they’d certainly established  that  wasn’t necessary. So, if he couldn’t help him with breathing techniques, what else could he do?“Name five things you can see.” At Nines’ forrowed brow, Gavin continued. “It’s called grounding. Just trust me.”“S-sure, alright. I c-can do that…” Nines trailed off as he properly took in his surroundings for the first time. It makes Gavin a bit uncomfortable to have Nines here, in his space— he never really lets  anyone come over, but Nines is clearly going through it right now so he figures it’s fine to make an exception just this once. Even if he still has no f@ck@ng clue why Nines would come  here—  to  Gavin for help of all places. “There’s…H-Hank’s ‘#1 Dad’ mug you def- definitely stole from the b-break room, um— your fav-favorite jacket hanging by the door…” Nines knew that jacket was his favorite? “A laptop, an over-flowing laundry b-basket— s-seriously, do your laundry, a-and…um…” Nines’ eyes drift across the apartment once more before his gaze settles back on Gavin. “And you.”Nines’ voice is still coming out all weird and staticky, and he seems to have trouble getting through full sentences in general— but it’s getting better, and  any  progress is still progress. It was working. This  will  work. “That was really good, you’re doing great. Now, four things you can feel.” He decides to ignore the jab about his laundry for now. Probably not the  best  time to start a petty argument over basically nothing (even if that  was Gavin’s specialty).Nines’ mouth twists, his expression turning to one of bitter frustration. “I  feel  a-awful. I f-figured that was fair-fairly  obvious  b-by now.”“Uh— no, I mean, yeah…I know. But— um, it’s supposed to be things you can, like—  physically feel,” Gavin explained sheepishly. “O-oh, right,” Nines said, seemingly embarrassed to have gotten something wrong. Gavin knows Nines strives to  always  be right. That must get annoying though, everyone expecting him to hold all of the  ‘correct’  answers to anything and everything. “Let me st-start over.”“This isn’t a test, Nines. I’m not gonna grade you later on how well you can get through a panic attack. Just take your time.”“I just d-don’t want to  hurt  like this anymore.” Nines sounds so broken it almost makes Gavin break too. “And you won’t. I promised, remember? If we take it slow, we’ll still get there, yeah?” Nines nodded. “Good. Four things you can feel.”“…T-the couch. Um— my shirt, pants, a-and shoes. Do those all count as separate things?” Gavin just gives him a look. “Right, not a test, s-sorry.”The glitching was almost completely gone now, reduced to nothing but a light fuzz. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for. Can you tell me three thing you can hear?” Gavin asked. “The hum of the refrigerator, and the show on the television y-you were apparently watching on the low-lowest volume setting for some reason?” Oh, yeah— Gavin forgot that was still playing. He couldn’t really hear it anymore, but Nines had that super-freaky hearing. “Your heartbeat.”Speaking of super freaky. “My  what?” Only then does Nines seem to notice what he’s said, and he does his best to remedy the situation. “S-sh@t, I didn’t mean t-to— I apologize.” Gavin thinks that’s the first time he’s heard Nines swear. “I-I know y-you think it’s w- weird,  but I was only listening to it because y-your heart rate is normal and m-mine’s  not. I’ll s-stop.”He was trying to match his heart rate. Gavin remembers how much he yelled at Nines when he scanned him once, and demanded he never use any of his  ‘freaky android powers’  on him ever again. He’ll let it slide this time. “Was it helping?”Nines looks at him curiously, but nods. If this were any other day, one where Gavin actually got some sleep— at any other time, he might’ve stopped to actually think through what he was doing. Instead, he decides f@ck it, helping Nines is more important than forcing himself not to care. He takes their joined hands and brings them up to his chest, resting Nines’ hand over his heart. It’s… weird— but this whole situation was weird. Nines doesn’t move away but he is looking at Gavin like he’s grown a second head. Which is fair. As embarrassing as this would be to admit, this is the most intimate he’s been with someone in literal  years.  “If it’s helping, then focus on it. Keep trying to match me, ok?” “Ok.” Nines seems hesitant. “…A-are you sure?”“Don’t make this a whole f@ck@ng thing.  Focus,” Gavin said, steering him back on track. Nines nods and closes his eyes, ducking his head down for a moment. The quiet that hangs in the air is (hopefully) calming for Nines, but it’s  agonizing for Gavin. With nothing to distract himself, he just has to sit in this moment, his hand resting atop Nines’, pressed right over his heart. He tries his hardest to keep his heart rate steady, but— f@ck, it’s not exactly something you can  control,  now is it? He’s so f@ck@ng terrified of his heartbeat getting faster, afraid of how Nines would take it. This is  nothing,  it  means nothing— but if Nines notices his heart skipping a beat he could take it the wrong way, and Gavin and Nines’ relationship was complicated enough already. Gavin takes a few deep breaths because unlike Nines, that actually  will  help him stay calm. “What’s the next step?” Nines asked, pulling Gavin from his thoughts. “…Huh?” “You seemed to be counting down— it was five things, then four and three. I assume there’s a two and one.”Gavin scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. “Um, so— yeah, there is. But it sorta seems like you’re already coming down from this, I don’t think you need to do ‘em.”Nines frowns at him. “I don’t like leaving things incomplete.”F@ck, Gavin wishes he’d thought through this more when he’d suggested grounding. The next two were smell and taste— two things Gavin is 90% sure Nines  can’t do. “Heh, of course you don’t. But…um, it’s two things you can smell and one thing you can taste, which…y’know…” Gavin gestures vaguely at Nines. “…I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking properly, I should’ve—““Can you do them for me?” Gavin blinks at him, taken aback by his sudden interruption. “What do you mean?”Nines leans forward towards him slightly, just enough to put Gavin on edge, but not enough to make him move away. “Tell me two things you can smell.” Nines’ eyes are so piercing it almost makes this feel like an interrogation. “I won’t be able to fully relax until every step is completed.” ‘Nines is still listening to your heartbeat,’  he reminds himself.  ‘Don’t freak out.’ Gavin takes another deep breath, this time actually paying attention to the aroma in the air. It helps with the whole  ‘not freaking out’  thing, too. “Honestly? Coffee and cigarettes,” Gavin said. “And taste?” Nines asked, his gaze never wavering. “Uh…not to be repetitive, but— pretty much just coffee.”“Do you have any left?”Gavin furrowed his brow. “I guess I didn’t finish mine earlier, so…a little bit. Why?”“Can I have some?” Sh@t, had Gavin gotten it wrong?  Can Nines taste things?“I can’t taste in the traditional sense,” Nines said, reading his mind. “But I can break down components and ingredients by ingesting something. I would like to try to understand, at least a little.”Gavin’s mind wanders without his permission, thinking how Nines could achieve the same effect from taking a sip of coffee by tasting it in the back of Gavin’s throat instead. He tries not to linger on that thought for too long, because seriously— where the  f@ck  had  that come from?“Ok, sure. I’ll be right back,” Gavin said, moving to stand. Nines reaches out to him, taking the hand that was over Gavin’s heart and interlocking their fingers together, holding onto him like he’s Nines’ only lifeline. “My mug is over by the sink,” Gavin explained. Nines just stared at him, squeezing his hand a little tighter. It wasn’t as rough as when he did that before, though. This time it’s softer, pleading. Gavin can feel the words he knows Nines won’t say.  ‘Please don’t let go.’  He has to fight every instinct to pull away, to shrug Nines off him and keep his distance. He doesn’t get close to people, not  anyone, it’s how he keeps himself safe. Nines can’t be the exception, Gavin won’t let him. Still, he doesn’t let go. “You can come with me, if you want,” Gavin said.It’s just holding hands for f@cks sake, it won’t change anything. After tonight things will go back to normal, and they can just put this whole thing behind them. It’s for the best, for both their sakes. Nines smiles this barely perceptible smile and nods, standing to be just inches away from Gavin’s face, and  d@mn  was he glad Nines wasn’t listening to his heartbeat anymore.  Christ.  The f@ck was  wrong with him?“I’d like that, if you don’t mind,” Nines said. Oh, he f@ck@ng  minds.  He minds very,  very much. Gavin shrugs. “It’s whatever.”He leads Nines into the kitchen and picks up his mug on the counter with his free hand, passing it over to him. “Sorry, it’s been sitting out a bit so it’s probably cold,” Gavin said. “That’s quite alright, thank you,” Nines replied sincerely. Gavin just gives him a half-hearted shrug and awkwardly taps his fingers against the countertop as Nines stares down at the coffee cup. Gavin wonders what the hell he’s looking for, but after a beat he realizes he’s probably just scanning it or something. But then the mug starts steaming, and Gavin’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “D-did you…?”Nines gives him a small smile. “I can control my external body heat, meaning I can heat things up or cool them down if I so please. It can be rather helpful.”Gavin scoffs, impressed. “I’ll say. How did I not know that about you?”Nines tilts his head and gives him a confused but inquisitive glance. “You’ve never been particularly interested in what I have to say. You’d much rather shout over me than hear me out, typically.”Gavin cringes, knowing Nines is right. He has no defense for himself, no excuse. Wow, he really did suck. Gavin knows it’s too dangerous to let people in, but he also knows how many people he hurt when he turned them away. How he hurt Nines. Getting people to hate you is easy. Living with the guilt that follows afterwards sure isn’t. Gavin tries and fails to come up with anything to say, but luckily for him Nines doesn’t bother waiting for a response, changing the topic entirely. “Want me to show you?” Nines asked. “Huh?” Gavin responded intelligently. Nines gently swayed their joined hands back and forth, and Gavin finally understood what he meant. “Oh, uh sure,” Gavin said, his curiosity winning out over everything else. “Can you make one of your hands cold while the other is hot?”Nines didn’t answer verbally, but after a moment his hand turned to ice, sending a chill down Gavin’s spine. The mug in his other hand was still giving off steam. “Ok that’s really cool but please go back to normal now. You’re  freezing!”  Gavin exclaimed. It takes a second but soon enough the chill is gone. Gavin can’t stop staring at his hand. His gaze is finally pulled away when he notices Nines going for a sip of the coffee out of the corner of his eye. He slowly lifts the mug to his lips, and Gavin briefly wonders if he’s drinking from the same spot he had been, if he can taste Gavin along with the coffee. He shakes the thought away, he wasn’t about to get worked up over an  indirect kiss  of all things. He wasn’t  that  childish.  D@mn,  he was starved for affection, wasn’t he? He really needed to snap out of it, the  last  thing he wanted was to be thinking of Nines like this, especially with the vulnerable state he was currently in. They were both in a position to make some really bad decisions, and Gavin would rather not go down that road. “You don’t put any cream or sugar in your coffee?” Nines asked after he took a swig and analyzed its contents, pulling Gavin from his spiraling thoughts. Gavin silently thanked him for the distraction. “Nah, not usually,” he said. “How’d you like it?”Nines frowned. “I…don’t know. But I am glad I tried it. I appreciate you indulging me.”“No worries. You can have the rest of it if you want.”“Really?”Gavin shrugged. “It’s just coffee. Besides, I wasn’t gonna finish that cup anyway. It’s just gonna end up down the drain otherwise.”Nines gave him an appreciative nod and continued taking small sips of his drink, his LED spinning yellow all the while. “…Nines?” Gavin asked cautiously. “Yes?”Gavin bites his nail as he contemplates whether or not he should ask the question that’s been burning a hole in his head ever since Nines showed up here. Nines had finally calmed down, and he didn’t want to start something up again just to satiate his curiosity. Nines must’ve noticed his hesitancy, placing the now empty mug into the sink and giving Gavin his full attention. “What is it?” he asked. “Why’d…and please don’t take this the wrong way, but— why’d you come here? Surely there are better people for you to go to in a crisis,” Gavin said. Nines’ brow furrows and he stares down at his shoes, like he doesn’t really know the answer himself. Either that, or he doesn’t  want to answer. Gavin squeezes his hand in an attempt to be reassuring, but it must be the wrong move, because Nines reluctantly slides out of his grasp, crossing his arms and folding in on himself. Gavin’s hand somehow feels colder now than when Nines had purposely made it so. Eventually, he speaks up. “I thought I was dying. That’s what it had felt like,” Nines whispered. “And there was this bitter,  angry  part of me that wanted to get back at you for everything you did to me. Even if it was to just tell you to  f@ck off  for once, I figured it would’ve been worth it. I wanted you to experience at least a  fraction  of the suffering you caused me.”Gavin hangs his head, ashamed of himself. He always appreciated Nines’ honesty, but right now he can’t stand it. The truth is too painful to bear. “…I—“ “But,” Nines said, cutting Gavin off. “I also thought…if I had any chance of survival, if anyone could save me, it would’ve been you.”Gavin’s head snaps up to look at Nines in bewilderment, only to find Nines looking right back. “And I was right.”Gavin huffs at that, shaking his head. “You weren’t ever  actually going to die. It would’ve passed on its own eventually.”“But I didn’t know that,” Nines stated plainly. “You made it…easier. Without you, I wouldn’t have figured out I’d had a panic attack, and I wouldn’t have known how to get through it.”Gavin scratches his cheek, at a loss for words. “Yeah, well…now you do,” he said. “In case it happens again.”Nines eyes widen. “It’s going to happen again?!”Oh, sh@t. Gavin realizes his mistake and quickly backpedals. “I didn’t say that. It might not.”
   “Might?!” 
Gavin puts up his hands placatingly. “Look I’m not gonna lie to you, alright? You could have another panic attack, but once you know how to manage ‘em— it’s like you said. It gets easier.”Nines still seems frazzled by this, so Gavin just keeps talking, hoping  something he says will be helpful. “It might help if you can pinpoint what brought this one on in the first place, if you don’t mind telling me.”Nines seems to mull this over for a while, which makes sense. He hasn’t exactly given Nines many reasons to trust him.“I think I want to quit my job,” Nines said, rushing out the words. Gavin blinks, taken aback. “Oh…” he said, dumbfounded. “Not— it’s not because of me, is it?”Nines smirks, shaking his head. “Not everything is about you, Reed.”Gavin rolls his eyes, but he’s secretly relieved that this isn’t all his fault. “It’s just…how do I put this?” Nines asked, looking up at Gavin’s ceiling as if it somehow held all the answers he was looking for. “I only became a detective because Connor asked me to. At the time, it made sense to follow in my predecessor’s footsteps, but now? I’m not so sure.”“Do you feel like you’re too similar to Connor?” Gavin asked. “No, not particularly. I think the issue stems more from the fact we’re both just doing what we were programmed to do, for the most part. It seems to work for Connor, and I think that’s great. But he also seems to have an identity  outside of being a detective. He knows who he is. I have no idea who I am, but I do think I’d like to find out.”Ah, the classic identity crisis. Gavin’s been there. “So you think being a detective is holding you back from figuring out who you really are?”Nines’ mouth twists, unsure. “Maybe? But having a job makes me feel stable, so the idea of leaving it…I don’t know how to  do  anything else— or if I even  want  to do anything else. Being a detective makes the most logical sense for me, and I do enjoy it— for the most part. It’s the thing I’m perfect at, but I’m also  expected  to be perfect at it,  always.  And…the  pressure of that…I think it’s getting to me.”Gavin sighs, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Listen, as much as it pains me to admit, the DPD would be way worse off without you. But you can’t live your life for the sake of other people, ya gotta live it for  you.  I can’t make this choice for you, but whatever you decide, I’ll back you up. Even if Fowler or Connor or whoever tries to give you sh@t for it.”Nines nods, slowly, but there’s still a crease between his brow. “…What if I throw away the one good thing I have for  nothing?” “It wouldn’t be for nothing. Whether or not you find what you're looking for, you’ll have lived,” Gavin said. “You don’t have to be perfect, Nines. You just have to be you.”Nines stares at him in awe before quickly becoming expressionless. Looks like Gavin wasn't the only one who hid his emotions. “Maybe you’ll finally be rid of me, just like you’ve always wanted.”“I don’t want that.”Nines raised an eyebrow at him. “Could’ve fooled me.”Gavin winced. “That’s…fair. But I meant what I said about you making the DPD better. I’d miss you.” Gavin feels his face heat up at his words and he clears his throat awkwardly, trying again. “We’d all miss you, I mean.”Nines gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Maybe he’s just tired, or maybe he doesn’t believe him. Gavin doesn’t know how to show him he means every word. He decides it’s best not to linger on it. “Y’know, you don’t have to figure out your whole future in  one night. Give it some time, man. You’ll get there.”“Right. I suppose putting too much pressure on myself is what got me into this mess in the first place,” Nines said. “Thanks, for everything.”“No problem.”Nines fiddles with the hem of his shirt, hesitant. An awkward silence lingers in the air. “…Did you wanna—“Gavin’s words die in his throat as Nines surges forward, wrapping his arms tightly around him. He freezes as Nines buries his head in the crook of Gavin’s neck. It’s weird,  really weird, and he wants to tell Nines to get the f@ck off of him, but he can’t bring himself to. Instead, he returns the hug, placing a hand at the base of Nines’ neck, rubbing his thumb gently across his skin. They don’t talk, both knowing it’d probably ruin the fragile peace settling between them. They just stand there, intertwined, for an indeterminate amount of time. Nines clearly needs this, but Gavin finds that he really needed it too. Nines’ hands move lower and Gavin’s about to push him off when he realizes he’s just reaching for something. Nines pulls back with Gavin’s gun in his hand and a baffled look on his face. “You’ve had your gun on you this  whole  time?”Gavin honestly forgot it had been there. “I told you I thought you were someone sent here to kill me!”Nines  laughs, bubbly and light. Gavin thinks it’s a sound he’d like to get used to. “You really thought a hitman was at your door at five in the morning?” Nines asked, teasing. “And that they would  knock?” “Who  else  would be at my door at five in the morning?!” Gavin said, exasperated. “I’d never have guessed  you’d show up here!”Nines smirked, holding the handle of the gun out for Gavin to take. Gavin grabs the pistol and puts it in one of his junk drawers. Maybe it wasn’t the  safest  way to stow a firearm, but he really didn’t want to leave Nines’ side at the moment. It’s not like he lives with anyone else who could get their hands on it anyways. “I should go,” Nines said once Gavin turned back to him. “I’ve taken up enough of your time.” ‘Good,’  Gavin thinks.  ‘Let him go. Don’t let him in.’ Nines takes a step back.  ‘You can’t help him anymore. And he certainly can’t help   you.’ Gavin takes a step forward. 
   ‘You’d only ruin him.’ 
Nines looks at him expectantly, something hopeful swimming in his eyes.  ‘Shut.   Up!’ “You can stay, if you want,” Gavin said, summoning every bit of courage he had. It’s all worth it to see the way Nines beams at him in return. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”“Oh, we are  far  past imposing,” Gavin jokes. “Seriously, stay.”So he stays. It’s about 6 a.m. by then, and they’re both clearly exhausted, but they stay awake together, enjoying each other’s company. Gavin shows Nines Gravity Falls, and while they mostly watch in silence, it doesn’t feel awkward anymore. He’s able to sink back into his couch and relax, his mind finally at ease for a change.As the sun begins to rise, Gavin’s eyelids begin to droop, and he rests his head on Nines’ shoulder without really meaning to. Nines doesn’t seem to mind. “Gavin?” Nines asked softly. Gavin hummed drowsily, too tired to answer properly. “…If we quit working together, could we still talk?”Gavin yawns, settling further into Nines. “Course we can, plastic. We can do whatever we want.”Gavin feels the tension leave Nines’ shoulders, and that’s all he needs to know he made the right decision. Maybe it’s time he finally takes his own advice and actually  lives  his life instead of just letting it pass him by. He wasn’t good enough for Nines as he was, he knew that. But he could be, eventually, if he was willing to put the work in. 
   ‘I’m willing.’ 
Gavin drifts off to sleep comfortably and easily for the first time in what feels like forever.'
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