She was standing by the waterfront, the hospital safely in the background as she wrapped her arms around herself against the autumn air. “Elara? You saw Lily last night?”
Max lent his weight to a rigid bench beside where she stood , staring out at the tranquil water , not pressing for details. “Yes , Max, I- it was absolutely heartbreaking, I broke down , and I haven’t slept-. How do you keep standing there, while she-. ”

Max held his gaze steady toward the internalising lull of the water’s liquid surface, feeling as in he could fall in and drown as he aligned his back against the wood behind him.

“I don’t know , Elara , sometimes I really feel like I’m going insane-but I’m still here . I have to be, and that’s it. She isn’t always in that state, she has her highs , and she’s keeping me going: it’s the difference between emancipation and acceptance I suppose. I mean , don’t you think I know fear, Elara? Real fear. That her last breath is as significant as her first laugh, and I don’t know which I’ll be met with? Or when she’s screaming in pain in the middle of the night and I can’t-“ Max’s eyes fell away as he struggled to find the words “…And yeah, I have to live with that , too” His stare not leaving the lake, Elara joined Max on the bench , her eyes following to where his gaze penetrated the distance. “I just -Max I don’t know if just loving her is enough. A piece of me dies every time she comes so close. It’s like holding together- I don’t know- shattered glass perhaps ? It’s so painful. But she’s a part of me. I gave birth to her, Max- so don’t you dare think- ”

“Elara, I’m sorry -“

She inhaled, and her response was barely audible amongst the quiet atmosphere that dissolved the space between them as she leaned against his arm, relenting . “I just feel so guilty , but if I fall apart, what will she have then? Even less. Do you think it’s easy to hold all the pieces together. I can’t control -“

Looking into her eyes with a mix of empathy and utter despair , Max braced his hands on his knees. “Should it be easy? Elara, I know the hell you went through to survive the pregnancy-I nearly lost -No, I can’t do this again, to lose you twice -“ His eyes glassed over as he struggled with the words “I care about you Elara, but-“ he paused, pulling her toward him in a sideways embrace, not meeting her gaze and steeling his composure. “But our child , she’s fighting damn hard to stay alive. And you expect not to fight even harder? “ Max shook his head , torn into splinters that roughened his voice as he removed himself, leaving a chilling gap in his wake. “If you leave again, I don’t know how she’ll do without her mother in her life. But as for us, that door is closing . I can’t stand it Elara, I really can’t-“ . Elara , shrinking into her coat and seeming to guard herself with its layers, dug her nails into her sleeves as she folded her arms, composing herself . “I understand, but I still care about you , Max, even if my own fear has driven us apart-It’s unfair , and I don’t -I don’t want to lose either of you-“ Max , turning his head and meeting Elara with his grave undertone, let the cracks in his voice fill with resolve, his knuckles whitening as his fists clenched. “Elara, fear is not something you get to indulge. What Lily goes through , we can’t afford to let fear take over-you have to fight for her. Please- “ his voice broke away, and he stared at her, awaiting any response , as he ground his palms against the fabric of his jeans . “Max , I - I have caused you so much pain and I don’t deserve the door to even remain ajar but please-“ . Max sighed, his voice a faint whisper of resignation, thick with the strain of a bond that still tied them . “I need some space , you know how to find us if you change your mind about what this involves ., hell, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. But I need some time to figure things out, because we’re losing pieces already.“ Max turned and walked along the winding concrete maze of the sidewalk, the cool air seeping through his bones as his measured strides hit the asphalt with decisive resolve.
Elara , tracing the ripples in the water with her downcast expression, wrung her hands as remained alone on the bench, facing a profound moment of solitude.



The disquiet of the three am bustle that only a hospital could generate, other infants crying in distress, machines sounding off alarms, paediatricians rushing to save the lives of fragile babies; Max barely registered it anymore. Lily was finally five months old , and possessing the strength  and vitality of the median three month old child. “My bean is now a little cucumber.” he announced as he admired how far she’d progressed, as she unleashed a tiny giggle into the air. Max gave a hearty chuckle as his readjusted the squirming Lily in his lap. “Finally, we’re going home , all the way back to California. And Mr bear her gets the aisle seat , huh?” Max winked at Lily, her entire face enlightening with the promise of a jovial, healthy day, her pulse steady, her respiration clear and sparkling with life. "Laugh away bean, the sound is glorious, I bet it could actually cure some cancer, send some kids home" .