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Assistant: Title: The Devil Ships ZeKu
        Author: xairylle xairylle 
        Chapter: 24/29 
        Summary: Midoriya Izuku knew what fanfiction was. He just didn't think there was something like THIS out there. About him and Kacchan no less.
        Contents: Chapter 24: Delete This!
    

    


      
        
          
          (See the end of the chapter for  notes.)
          
      
  

  
  
    
     
  8:18 PM. The rain was still unforgiving.
 
  It had been more or less half an hour since Deku came running back to Katsuki’s apartment—drenched, dripping, and in dire need of attention. And god d@mn if Katsuki wasn’t going to provide. In fact, Katsuki was so happy, he didn’t even mind the nerd clinging onto him like a green water koala in the doorway. 
 
  But deciding on whether to hug back or not was a different story. Katsuki’s defenses were steeling itself on its own that it felt to be more of an internal struggle than just actual hesitation. With just one exchange, all of a sudden, it felt like they were in a new territory. And Katsuki wasn’t so keen on taking big and careless strides in it. His instincts wouldn’t let him take them that far.
 
  They.
 
  Them.
 
  
    Us
  
  .
 
  He wondered if it was alright to use those words. Saying it held more meaning now than how it used to.
 
  There was a generous pool of water on Katsuki’s doorstep by the time Deku had calmed down. Normally, Katsuki would’ve gone inside to get a towel for his 
  
    visitor
  
   to use so he could dry himself before entering his apartment. Water stains on the floor were as much as an eyesore as they were a b@tch to remove after all. But this was 
  
    Deku
  
  . Wet and dripping 
  
    Deku
  
  . If he stayed out there too long, he was going to catch a cold or worse, a fever. And like hell Katsuki was going to let that happen under his watch. Deku getting sick in any way, shape, or form was a big no-no especially after Inko thanked him for taking care of her son.
 
  So Katsuki invited him in, handed him a towel and clothes, and then made him take a hot shower in the bedroom’s connected bath. Although if Katsuki was going to be completely honest, he was willing to go as far as preparing a lavender bath—his mom often gave him some of her homemade lavender bath bombs to help him relax—but there was no time. The idiot needed a hot bath. 
  
    Pronto
  
  .
 
  And then there was 
  
    dinner
  
  . What was the game plan for tonight’s meal?
 
  Katsuki was supposed to make a fish and tofu stir fry dish tonight, but since it was raining outside, perhaps it would be better to spin that into soup. It was filling. It was warm. It was perfect for a meal on a rainy evening. And with that, Katsuki went to work.
 
  First was marinating the fish meat into cornstarch, soy sauce, sesame oil, pepper, salt—wait did he have cooking wine? No? Dammit, would’ve been good with—”K-K-Kacchan, can I help?” “No. Get out of my kitchen.”—Ah where was he? Right, the marinade. He had to leave that for—”Kacchan, can I borrow your dumbbells?” “Bedroom. God d@mn it, leave me alone!”—Urgh.  So what was he doing again? Right. Marinade. Fifteen to twenty minutes. So next was slicing and dicing everything else—tofu, cilantro, scallion, cabbage, ginger—Hold on, did he have mushrooms?
 
  Katsuki was too absorbed in getting the soup right that he only noticed what Deku was wearing when they were about to eat.
 
  The nerd stepped in the bath looking like some chewed on gum that fell into a lake. He came out a f@ck@ng 
  
    sin
  
  . Katsuki’s eyes almost fell out of their sockets as he watched Deku walk in and out of the kitchen to help him set the table in the living room.
 
  The little green thing was walking around wearing one of his larger shirts. Or perhaps, more accurately, a large 
  
    Ground Zero
  
   shirt. 
 
  Okay, so Katsuki 
  
    knew
  
   he had pulled out a set of prototypes for his Hero merchandise. He’d 
  
    intentionally
  
   done that. Not that that he was 
  
    keen
  
   in seeing Deku wearing his merch. It just so happened that he had rejected merchandise prototypes that his parents designed and made for him. These weren’t available in the market and Katsuki wasn’t going to use them anyway so… Why not let the nerd try them on, right? It definitely wasn’t because he fancied the idea of plastering his trademarks all over the green-haired idiot like Katsuki 
  
    owned
  
   him. This definitely had nothing to do with Katsuki wishing the omegaverse real. It was a practical move. 
  
    Definitely
  
   a practical move!
 
  Besides, Deku didn’t really seem to mind. He was actually quite thrilled to wear merch. Katsuki hadn’t told him they were rejected pieces, though.
 
  So, yes. It was supposed to be a surprise to 
  
    no one
  
   if Deku stepped out of there looking like a hardcore Ground Zero fanboy. But Katsuki 
  
    didn’t 
  
  expect the “ensemble” to look like 
  
    this
  
  . Why was the shirt so 
  
    large
  
  ? It looked like an oversized nightgown that fell below Deku’s f@ck@ng 
  
    biteable
  
   thigh. How 
  
    the f@ck
  
   did this happen? And Katsuki was pretty sure he gave Deku a pair of shorts. Where were those!?

  

  Katsuki mentally ran through a checklist of the clothes he’d lent the nerd.

  

  First was a black shirt with his signature orange x-mark with two round dots on the left breast. He had three sizes of that in stock for some f@ck@ng bizarre reason. Deku was wearing what seemed to be a size 
  
    large
  
   or was that 
  
    extra large
  
  ? And although the nerd was smaller than Katsuki, he wasn’t really 
  
    small
  
  . He was builty nicely with toned muscles because his acquired Quirk required it. That was why it felt 
  
    so strange
  
   seeing him getting eaten by a giant shirt. 
 
  Beneath said shirt was also 
  
    more
  
   Ground Zero merch. Katsuki was now feeling like perhaps giving Deku labeled underwear might have been too much but, well, too late.
 
  Why his parents thought it would’ve been a good idea to sell 
  
    Ground Zero underwear
  
   of all things, Katsuki would never know. But he knew it was an odd thing that he didn’t want his name on so he shot down that idea so d@mn fast because 
  
    shame
  
  . It had GROUND ZERO written with thick and large letters across the f@ck@ng 
  
    @ss
  
  , for god’s sake! Katsuki got prototypes of it, nevertheless. They came in a pack of seven, which he never planned on opening. Until today.
 
  As for the bottoms, well, Katsuki was 
  
    sure
  
   he gave a pair of orange drawstring tennis shorts to Deku.
 
  Except 
  
    where were they
  
  ?
 
  “The f@ck happened to the shorts I gave you?” Katsuki was glaring at Deku’s thighs as hands from purgatory started grabbing onto Katsuki’s soul.
 
  “Ah. What?” Deku turned towards him and looked down at his legs, frowning a bit in confusion before exclaiming. “Oh! I’m wearing them. The shirt is big so you can’t...”

And just like that, Deku so innocently lifted the hem of his oversized 
  
    curtain shirt
  
   so 
  
    Kacchan
  
   could see for himself that he 
  
    was
  
   wearing the d@mn pair of tennis shorts. Holy f@ck, were those supposed to be 
  
    that short
  
   or were Deku’s thighs just to 
  
    grrrgh
  
  !? The words
  
     GROUND ZERO
  
   were emblazoned on the lower part of the left leg except all 
  
    Kacchan
  
   could see was 
  
    his Deku 
  
  lifting his f@ck@ng skirt, er, shirt—
  
    shirt
  
  , god d@mn it! He was lifting his 
  
    shirt
  
   like some kind of effing invitation and that was just—”I DIDN’T ASK FOR A DEMONSTRATION, YOU HALFWIT! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!”
   
  Tofu and fish soup prep and cook time took around forty-five minutes. They ate for an hour.  It was the most difficult dinner Katsuki had to go through in his entire life.
 
  Deku’s thighs were so god d@mn distracting!
 
  Why the f@ck did the nerd’s shorts keep riding up his f@ck@ng limb when he was seated cross-legged on the floor? The d@mned thing hid deeper under the large shirt and made it look like he was wearing 
  
    nothing
  
   underneath. Katsuki was having visions of bending the nerd over and f@ck@ng him in the @ss. It would be so easy to yank those tennis shorts down, too. Somehow, the idea of pulling it off Deku’s legs and flinging it on the living room floor without a care was very appealing to Katsuki. What face would Deku make, though? Would he panic? Would he be embarrassed? Or would he be willing and naughty?
  


  Would he be open to roleplay…?
 
  
    “Play with me, Kacchan.”
  
 
  Oh, 
  
    god
  
  ! Not now!
 
  “This is so good!” Deku exclaimed loudly, sending Katsuki’s thoughts into a spinning hamster wheel. It was a challenge trying to stay in touch with reality while his imaginary Deku was screaming “This is so good!” while being taken on the living room floor.
 
  Katsuki grabbed a glass of water and chugged it down like he was parched earth in need of 
  
    flood
  
  .
 
  “I’m so amazed at how you can plan meals as complicated as this.” Deku mumbled as he blew on the soup spoon. 
 
  “It’s not a big deal.” Katsuki said, trying not to be distracted by the myriad of things those puckered lips could be wrapped around. Deku made a small sound and ate a spoonful of fish and tofu soup before responding.
 
  “Well, 
  
    for you
  
  , maybe.” The nerd pouted a bit and then smiled. “Kacchan is amazing…!”
 
  “I know.” Katsuki lifted the spoon to his mouth. “You always say that.”
 
  Deku was scooping up some tofu from his bowl but he stopped and frowned.
 
  “Kacchan, why do you always respond with that every time I say you’re amazing?”
 
  Katsuki shrugged.
 
  “Because it’s true.”
 
  “It kind of diminishes the praise.” Deku watched his blonde 
  
    friend
  
   lift his bowl and drink the soup with loud slurping sounds. “It’s like you don’t believe that I think you’re amazing because I say it too often.” Deku put his spoon down by hooking it onto the edge of the bowl. “And I 
  
    do
  
   mean it, Kacchan. I 
  
    do
  
   think you’re amazing…!”
 
  Katsuki kept slurping his soup, hoping for the conversation to end there. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Deku’s… admiration. Katsuki just didn’t want himself to read too much into it. And to be honest, he was in no mood to think about it right now.
 
  But Deku just kept on pouting as he waited for Katsuki to put the bowl down.
 
  “Okay,” The blonde man frowned as he wiped the corners of his mouth with the meat of his palm. ”What f@ck@ng conspiracy theory is going on in that pasture head of yours? I never said you didn’t mean it. Shut the hell up.” 
 
  Katsuki was supposed to leave it at that but green eyes kept glaring at him from the side.
 
  The f@ck?
 
  “Look, nerd, it’s just fish and tofu soup. It didn’t even take an hour to make.” 
 
  “Only because you already know how to do it.” Deku leaned forward, slamming his hand on Katsuki’s thigh and ohhhh, boy, that was 
  
    not
  
   a good idea. 
 
  “Deku.”
 
  “I mean, I’d probably screw up the tofu and the fish would taste bland.” Deku squeezed. Katsuki swallowed a groan, willing his face muscles to stay stiff and solid and firm and 
  
    unaffected.
  
 
  “Deku, get your hand off of me.”
 
  “How do you even know how much is too much soy sauce anyway?” The dense and sh@tty nerd leaned closer in a rather determined fashion that resulted in 
  
    more 
  
  weight on the hand pressed against Katsuki’s thigh. Katsuki’s d@ck started to wake up. This sh@t was 
  
    not
  
   helping any. 
 
  “And the soup.” Deku kept going. “How much is too much soup before it loses flavor, huh? I don’t even 
  
    know 
  
  that!”

  

  “Fine! I get it!” Katsuki growled, gripping Deku’s wrist and prying the fingers off of his thigh. “Now let go!”
 
  At first, Deku didn’t understand what Katsuki was talking about until he realized the hold on his wrist.
 
  “A-ah…!” Deku pulled away, inching back towards his spot timidly. He looked a bit embarrassed and Katsuki was 
  
    so close
  
   to apologizing while squeezing those freckled cheeks between his palms.

  

  “I-I’m sorry.” Deku looked down on his food with wan smile. “I got carried away is all. I didn’t mean to, um… I didn’t mean to surprise you.”
 
  Katsuki grumbled and looked away.

  

  F@ck, now he felt bad. God d@mn it.
 
  “I really do think you’re amazing, though.” Deku fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I mean, even your own merch looks—”
 
  “That’s an old prototype my parents designed.” Katsuki interrupted for the sake of saying something to change the topic at the same time.
 
  “Yeah, but…” Deku stopped short, eyebrows furrowed. “Wait. Did you just say 
  
    old prototype
  
  ?”
 
  Katsuki nodded, but didn’t miss the nerd’s sudden change in tone.
 
  Deku pulled the end of his shirt forward—god d@mn it, stop doing that—so he could look at the entirety of the design. He chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully mumbling out the corners of his mouth. Great. Channeling his inner nerd. Sometimes, it was annoying. Other times, it was cute. Katsuki wasn’t sure which one of that was currently surfacing.
 
  “The giant orange X-mark is luminous.” Katsuki added just to test the waters. It was most definitely not because he wanted Deku to freak out or 
  
    gush
  
   over 
  
    Kacchan’s
  
   merch. It absolutely didn’t make Katsuki any bit 
  
    happier
  
   or 
  
    proud
  
   or anything like that. He just thought maybe the nerd would want to know that the giant design on the shirt he was wearing would 
  
    glow in the f@ck@ng dark
  
  . No biggie.
 
  “Nooo.” The short word was long, drawn out, and a bit breathy. Deku’s head slowly turned with big, unbelieving green eyes towards Katsuki, drawing a breath that would’ve warped time and space if it had been just a little bit 
  
    sharper
  
  .
 
  “Yes.” Katsuki frowned a little because what, did this b@tch think he’d lie about it? “It looks nice but—”
 
  “Hold that thought...!” Deku shushed him by tapping a finger against Katsuki’s lower lip before hurriedly running to the kitchen then back to the living room and then back to the kitchen like his feet were acting on the orders of an external, independent, third-party brain. 
 
  “Darkness. Darkness.” Deku mumbled like a green Tokoyami bootleg. “Where is it dark!?”
 
  Katsuki watched him rather curiously. It was like observing an animal react to human technology. Amusing.
 
  It took a second more before Deku had an epiphany to run into the smaller bathroom and slam the door behind him.
 
  Katsuki tilted his head. What the—”OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
 
  Deku’s roaring outburst hit Katsuki so unexpectedly that the blonde got up and f@ck@ng 
  
    leapt
  
   over the living room table—”Deku!” “AAAAAAAAA!”—to get to the bathroom as fast as he could.
 
  “DEKU!” Katsuki hollered rather worriedly, fingers just an inch away from grabbing the doorknob before the sh@tty nerd burst out of that door like a f@ck@ng missile.
 
  “KACCHAN!” Deku jack-in-the-box-ed out of the f@ck@ng bathroom without any warning whatsoever. The door missed Katsuki’s nose by a 
  
    frick
  
  . Not that he cared. Katsuki was so effing 
  
    alarmed
  
   that he caught the flying f@ck@r in his arms like he would a god d@mn 
  
    package
  
  . But the nerd didn’t care either. Deku’s fingers immediately grabbed Katsuki by the front of his shirt, shaking him as he did. In mid-air. How that was possible, Katsuki didn’t really care right now. He was more concerned with how he staggered back and forth, trying to regain his footing as Deku tried to pilot him or some sh@t. 
 
  Those wide green maniacal eyes would’ve scared the hell out of anyone who wasn’t Katsuki.
 
  “DEKU!” Katsuki hollered as a warning.
 
  “KAAAACCHAAAAAN!” Deku responded like a fricken fire siren.
 
  Oh, god, the fanboy was out of the bag.
 
  Katsuki’s feet got tangled with each other, which made him totally lose his balance. He fell on the floor bottom first—”Ow!”—with Deku still in his arms, one large hand on his green head just to be sure. The nerd landed face first into Katsuki’s chest.
 
  “What in the sweet f@ck is wrong with you!?” Katsuki glared, flexing his fingers in an attempt to keep himself from 
  
    hitting
  
   this piece of sh@t.
 
  “It 
  
    is
  
   luminous!” Deku looked up excitedly, ignoring Katsuki’s angry features in favor of reporting the god d@mn f@ck@n’ obvious. And then the nerd pulled back, gesturing to the X print on the large shirt he was wearing as he sat between Katsuki’s folded knees. “This! This! 
  
    All of this
  
   X thing! It 
  
    is
  
   luminous!”
 
  “I 
  
    know
  
  .” Katsuki kept glaring as he leaned back on his palms. “I was the one who 
  
    told you
  
  , b@tch.”
 
  Deku exhaled, pursed his lips, furrowed his eyebrows. It was almost like he didn’t know how to express all this coolness. But Katsuki let him. This wasn’t the kind of excitement he’d like to shut down.
 
  “B-b-b-but…” Deku’s expression slowly changed as he mumbled, rubbing his chin like he was talking to himself. It was distracting how he seemed to be looking heatedly at Katsuki’s crotch. Like 
  
    sure
  
  , Deku wasn’t actually looking 
  
    at
  
   Katsuki’s d@ck, but his eyes were gawking at that direction so… Well… This would’ve been a bit more erotic if Deku didn’t stare like he was plotting to unscrew Katsuki’s d@ck from between his legs.
 
  “I don’t understand.” Were the first audible words from the nerd after his muttering session. “The Ground Zero shirts that came out with this design were all plain and—”
 
  “It was a bit costly to mass produce at the time.” Katsuki said casually as he scratched his head, looking back at the living room to glance at their meal. “It was my first batch of merchandise so I didn’t think it would be practical.” He looked back at Deku. “I wanted to make it affordable so I just—”
 
  “Wait, wait, wait, 
  
    stop
  
  !” Deku waved his hands in the air like an air traffic guide. “Hold on a second!”
 
  Katsuki raised an eyebrow.
 
  “So you’re saying…” Deku gestured with splayed fingers running up and down across the front of his shirt and Katsuki’s brain went 
  
    oh-lala
  
   in the most inappropriate f@ck@ng time like Jesus 
  
    Christ
  
  , what the 
  
    f@ck,
  
   hippocampus!?
 
  “This… This design…” Deku continued. “It was supposed to have 
  
    luminous
  
   print but it would’ve been costly at the time so it got cancelled? The luminous Ground Zero shirts didn’t, no, they 
  
    never
  
   made it to the shelves?”
 
  “Yeah.”
 
  Deku took a deep breath and then swallowed hard. He sat there for a few good seconds and Katsuki started to get up but the nerd grabbed him by the shirt to make him sit back down.
 
  What was going on…?
 
  “So you mean…” Deku began, half in a daze before he took another breath and licked his lips as he looked up from where he was sitting. 
 
  
    F@ck@n’ hot.
  
 
  “You mean this prototype I’m wearing…“ He paused again, opening his mouth and closing it like he was some fish who was trying to 
  
    human
  
  .
 
  “...No one else has this version of this shirt?”
 
  Katsuki was 
  
    confused
  
  , but he assumed that it was the normal and expected reaction to Deku’s cute little peculiarities. Otherwise, he’d have fallen out of love years ago.
 
  “Yeah. That’s pretty much it.”
 
  Deku made a strangled wheezing sound before going completely still and silent, almost like he had stopped functioning. He leaned forward rigidly, forehead meeting Katsuki’s collar bone.
 
  “Kacchan,” The nerd whispered, his body still stiff. “I’m wearing super ultra rare Ground Zero merch and I 
  
    cannot even
  
   right now.”
 
  It felt weird hearing Deku constantly refer to him as 
  
    Ground Zero
  
  . He was always 
  
    Kacchan
  
   even at HQ. It was rarely Ground Zero from him and everyone had just gotten tired of correcting Deku every so often. Even Todoroki. Even Iida. Even god d@mn 
  
    Endeavor
  
  . 
 
  The nickname became some kind of joke in the building at a certain point. 
 
  The entire thing was started by some of their UA classmates. And by some, he meant 
  
    four
  
   people—Ashido, Sero, Kaminari, and Uraraka—probably because they had a death wish or something. Their fiddly little protozoan brains became bored of it in two or three days, which was no big deal. Except the entire building felt 
  
    encouraged
  
  . Everyone who thought they had b@lls called him 
  
    Kacchan
  
  . He didn’t like that. That name wasn’t a joke. And neither was it 
  
    theirs
  
   to use to call him. 
 
  It only took a few wordless murderous glares before the memo got around.
 
  No one but Deku ever tried to call him Kacchan as a joke again.
 
  “This is sacrilege.” Deku sounded like he was close to sobbing. “I can’t believe you.”
 
  “What?” Katsuki raised an eyebrow. “What did I do? I lent you clothes. If you wanted to be naked, you should’ve—”
 
  “Th-th-th-that is 
  
    not
  
   what I meant!” Deku complained with a rather cute blush as he rapidly Katsuki’s chest with his fists in embarrassment. “Pervert! You perverted Kacchan! Pervert!”
 
  Katsuki rolled his eyes away.
 
  “Says the dude with p@rn on his phone.”
 
  Deku drew a very sharp and offended gasp.
 
  “You said you weren’t going to make fun of—”
 
  “You called me a pervert.”
 
  “Would you prefer 
  
    uncultured swine
  
  ?” The green freckled mammal tilted his head sarcastically with as much sass as he could muster. “Because 
  
    why
  
   did you open the packaging? Rare merch is best in mint and sealed condition! Mint 
  
    and
  
   sealed!”
 
  Katsuki had no idea what the nerd was saying. And maybe that showed on his face because Deku just launched in a tirade about collector’s value. Apparently, sealed merchandise was more valuable than opened ones because 
  
    reasons
  
  . Katsuki didn’t bother to ask. He just assumed that even merchandise didn’t like to be exposed to the cold and harsh world of human f@ckwittiness. Collectors liked their merchandise to be virgins of some sort.
 
  
    You like virgins? 
  
  
    I’m
  
  
     a virgin.
  
   Katsuki thought. He immediately labeled his brain a f@ck@ng traitor right after that. Five f@ck@ng years of abstinence was getting to him. And god d@mn it, too.
 
  “I mean, just to give you some perspective.” Deku was saying now and Katsuki had ten fingers too many to demonstrate the number of f@cks he gave.  “I’m willing to bet that Smackbang would 
  
    kill
  
   for this merch.”
 
  “For god’s sake, Deku.” Katsuki ran a hand down his face frustratedly. “It’s 
  
    not
  
   rare 
  
    merch.
  
   It never made it to the—”
 
  “Exactly!” Deku poked heavily at Katsuki’s chest. “That is 
  
    exactly 
  
  what makes it 
  
    super ultra rare
  
  !”
 
  “It’s still not merch, De—”
 
  “It 
  
    still
  
   counts as Ground Zero merch, god d@mn it!” Deku 
  
    screamed
  
   at his face while chopping him in the midsection—”Ow! You sh@t…!”—and what the actual f@ck was this violence that was happening right now!? Katsuki wanted to sue him just for that!
 
  “Stop ruining this for me!” The green blob of fanboy panic hissed as he channeled the d@mn greenest 
  
    Satan
  
   impression he could.
 
  “What the actual 
  
    f@ck
  
  !?” Katsuki motioned to grab him but thought better of it, raising his hands in surrender. He got up and marched back to the living room. “Fine! Okay! Whatever! It’s 
  
    whatever the f@ck
  
   you wanna call it!”
 
  “Super ultra rare merch!” Deku insisted as he followed suit with a stomp of his foot. It was like Katsuki 
  
    had
  
   to say the word lest the f@ck@ng apocalypse was going to descend upon them all.
 
  “Fine! 
  
    Super ultra f@ck@n rare-ass merch!
  
  ” Katsuki groaned again and plopped himself in front of the living room table to continue his meal. And then he flicked his p@ss@d off eyes at Deku and went, “Happy!?”
 
  That seemed to be good enough for the nerd because his response was to nod vigorously with a wide smile on his cute little face and grrrrgh! This adorable f@ck@r! D@mn it, Katsuki could feel his face heating up, making his irritation evaporate.
 
  “Now can you get your nerdy ass back here so we can finish having dinner?!”

  

  “Yes!” Deku nodded again and trotted towards the spot next to Katsuki. The blonde man took a deep breath for patience because this whole fanboying thing was going to—”Kacchan…?”
 
  Katsuki looked up to say “what now, you f@ck@ng kiwi” but Deku was suddenly hugging him. And very gently, too.
 Wha—? Why was he so touchy-feely? How many times had this nerd hugged him today? But it wasn’t like he hated it. Saying that Katsuki didn’t like getting hugged was a lie, though. Katsuki enjoyed Deku’s proximity, especially if it was the nerd who initiated. 
  “Thank you for letting me wear this…!” Deku squeezed and awwww, 
  
    f@ck
  
  . Katsuki was pretty sure his effing brain was melting and leaking out of his g@dd@mn ears. Why did this green bean have to be so cute? It depleted Katsuki’s anger reserves, god d@mn it. He had a reputation to uphold. This freckled hamster was ruining it.
 
  “Do you…” Katsuki mumbled awkwardly, looking away to keep himself from nosing against the shell of Deku’s ear. “Do you want it?”
 
  “Eh?” Deku tensed.
 
  “If you want the shirt,” Katsuki said lowly, trying to ignore the smell of his own shampoo on Deku’s hair. “You can have it.”
 
  A pause. It was probably a second but it felt like half a day. Katsuki was pretty sure he had accidentally flipped a Deku switch without knowing it.
 
  “Deku?” Katsuki asked, wondering if nerds had to reboot or some sh@t.
 
  “Kacchan…” Deku mumbled as he pulled away slowly and seriously. “Don’t you f@ck@ng play with my heart like that.”
  


  Huh? 
 
  Okay, wait, 
  
    what
  
  ? Just 
  
    what
  
  ? Did a soap opera version of Deku ever exist? Who was this? What the hell was he saying so dramatically all of a sudden?
 
  “
  
    The f@ck
  
  ?” Katsuki grimaced, his head darting back in disbelief. “I’m just saying that if you want it so much then be my f@ck@ng guest.” Katsuki shrugged. “Wipe your ass with it or whatever. I don’t
  
     care
  
  . You can take the shorts, too if—”
 
  “Holy bejeezus, 
  
    the shorts
  
  !” Deku fidgeted as he lifted his shirt to reveal the shorts underneath. And his abs. And just a peek of his nipples and holy f@ck@ng absolute 
  
    kelp sh@t
  
  . This 
  
    guy
  
  . This f@ck@ng
  
     guy
  
  . Katsuki was well going to lose his d@mn mind at some point. Didn’t this idiot know how he looked like he was inviting Katsuki into his crotch!?
 
  “Y-you know, I don’t think I’ve seen Ground Zero tennis shorts on sale. 
  
    Ever
  
  .” Deku blinked down at his clothes before taking a deep breath and stammering while lifting his eyes towards Katsuki. “K-K-K-Kacchan… D-d-d-d-don’t tell me these are also...”
 
  “Prototypes?” Katsuki interrupted with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah. What happened was—”
 
  Whatever the end of that sentence was didn’t matter with how Deku 
  
    wheezed
  
   like he was trying to induce god d@mn 
  
    asthma
  
  . 
 
  Moreover, can this 
  
    idiot
  
   just 
  
    please
  
   put his f@ck@ng shirt down?! 
 
  This shity nerd wanted to die. Of getting 
  
    f@ck@d
  
  . Katsuki had been in abstinence for five god-forsaken years. If this idiot broke the f@ck@ng seal on Katsuki’s d@ck right now, he was going to be 
  
    lobotomized
  
   via multiple @rg@sms and shots to his prostate.
 
  “C-c-c-c-c-can I really have these?” The nerd asked almost tearfully. “Can I?”
 
  “Yes. I just said so, didn’t I?”
 
  “Are you 
  
    serious
  
  ?” Deku
  
     finally
  
   let go of the shirt so that it fell to cover most of his body again, reverting back to looking like he had nothing under that large piece of clothing. Like Winnie the f@ck@ng Pooh—One shirt. Nothing underneath.
 
  “This is 
  
    valuable
  
  , Kacchan.” Deku said again, very determinedly. “Are you 
  
    sure
  
   you want me to have this?”
 
  “F@ck@ng 
  
    yes
  
  .” Katsuki sighed heavily.
 
  “No backsies?” Like a warning. 
 
  “What are you, 
  
    five
  
  ?”
 
  “No backsies!?” Deku insisted, squeezing Katsuki by the thigh. The blonde man yelped in surprise and swatted that hand away.
 
  “Yes, no backsies, god d@mn it! Geez!”
 
  Deku took a deep breath, hands balling excitedly into fists as a very wide smile made his cheeks puff and his eyes squint and god 
  
    d@mn
  
  , Katsuki couldn’t believe he was so f@ck@ng in love with this absolute nerdy 
  
    fool
  
  .
 
  
    B@tch, I wish you wanted 
  
  
    me 
  
  
    as much as you want that f@ck@ng shirt.
  
 
  It said a lot about Katsuki’s love life if he was envious of an article of clothing.
 
  “Thank you, Kacchan!” Deku flung his arms around Katsuki for how many times today now. “I love them!”
 
  
    I love you, too.
  
   Katsuki bit the inside of his cheek to keep him from saying anything without thinking.
 
  “Yeah, whatever.” Katsuki tried to sound unaffected as he looked at the corner of the table to distract himself. “You can keep the underwear, too, if you want.”
 
  Deku immediately detached himself off of the blonde who was running mental images of what said underwear could be looking like on Deku’s ass right now. 
 
  “Eh?” 
 
  The nerd sounded like he was about to malfunction again.
 
  “EH!?” 
 
  And then he started bunching up his shirt under his chin and, oh 
  
    f@ck
  
  . Oh, no. Oh, 
  
    hell
  
  , no!
 
  “EEEEEEEEEEEH!?”
 
  Katsuki was literally so distracted by Deku’s exposed nipples that he was a second too late from stopping the stupid kelp from his next course of action. The ridiculously oblivious 
  
    Deku
  
   grabbed the waistband of his drawstring shorts and tugged it forward so he could look at the underwear he was wearing.
 
  In front of Katsuki.
 
  Five years. Five years of practicing god d@mn 
  
    restraint
  
   was being tested by this absolute f@ckw@t of a grass patch!
 
  “O-oi!” 
 
  Katsuki motioned to punch Deku’s thigh just to prove a fricken point.
 
  “Don’t look at it 
  
    now
  
  , you leaf brain!”
 
  Satan was probably bored because it was so definitely out of character for Bakugou Katsuki to miscalculate or be inaccurate when throwing punches.
 
  All it took was for Deku to make one little shift from how he was seated before Katsuki’s fist shot straight towards whatever poor thing was between Deku’s legs.
 
  ...A.K.A. 
  
    his d@ck
  
  .
 
  
    Good f@ck@ng 
  
  
    job,
  
  
     Katsuki!
  
 
  The flames of hell 
  
    roared
  
   in glee and even the angels cackled in heaven as the faeries doubled over in their tea parties because holy boom boom f@ck@n’
  
     pow
  
  ! Way to go punching his crush right in the fricken nuts! All those times he thought of touching Deku 
  
    there
  
  , he didn’t mean 
  
    like this
  
  !
 
  Deku made a small pained noise, which Katsuki assumed to be the sound of battered sperm. Katsuki’s soul, on the other hand, tried to matryoshka itself into his internal organs while his internal organs started holding hands and to sing Kumbaya. Not that it was going to help.
 
  “Oh my f@ck@n—” Katsuki ran two hands through his hair and gripped the strands tightly because 
  
    what the f@ck
  
  . “D-D-D-Deku…! Deku, are you—” 
 
  —
  
    okay?
  
   Stupid question. The man who had inherited All Might’s Quirk had fallen into the fetal position so he could weep on the floor. 
 
  “I-I-I mean…!” Katsuki was frantically trying to figure out a way to fix this. “I mean, I’m sorry…!”
 
  “D’ja haft’it meeeh?” Deku sounded like a tiny, tiny person with vocal chord problems.
 
  “N-n-n-n-no, I didn’t mean it…! I just…” Katsuki was doing weird side-to-side movements, hands raised like he wanted to touch except what if Deku’s d@ck broke from the slightest pressure from the atmosphere?
 
  What was even Katsuki going to put on his mouth when—WHY WAS HIS BRAIN DOING THIS!?
 
  “I-I-It was an accident…! I’m sorry…!”
 
  Deku only whined. 
 
  Katsuki had spent so many years studying to be a Hero in UA and the Alliance had made them attend countless yearly seminars. How come 
  
    none
  
   of his supposedly useful experiences had 
  
    anything
  
   to teach about p@n@s first aid?! Did they just assume it wouldn’t happen? Because it 
  
    did
  
  ! So just 
  
    how
  
   the f@ck was Katsuki supposed to 
  
    fix
  
   this? Rub it gently? Kiss it to make it better? Blow on it? 
  
    What
  
  !?
 
  “Y-you, um, want ice on that or something?”
 
  Deku f@ck@ng 
  
    hissed
  
  .
 
  “Okay. All right. Fine.” Katsuki backed a bit, holding his tongue from instinctively unleashing a scathing comeback because he was the one in the wrong here. “I’m sorry. I was just asking.”
 
  Deku went back to curling and whining probably because that was the only thing he was capable of now. Poor thing. Katsuki sighed.
 
  “So how do you want to get even with me?” The blonde scratched his head. “I mean, if you’d like to punch me in the b@lls, too, I’d—”

  

  “Dorms.” Deku glared at him, eyes glistening, lower lip sticking out as he frowned from the floor.
 
  “What?” Katsuki raised an eyebrow. “P@rn?”

  

  “I said 
  
    dorms
  
  !” Deku said blushing, wiping the tears as he tried to punch Katsuki’s knee. “Perverted Kacchan! Pervert! Pervert!”
 
  “Well, 
  
    the fuck
  
   do you even mean by 
  
    dorms
  
  , man!?”
 
  “If you’re really sorry,” Deku grumbled with a pout. “Make it up to me by staying in the UA dorms with me!”

  
  

    
      
        
        
          Sorry for being away for a while! I got sick and life happened (still happening but whatever, yeah?). Thanks to everyone who wished me well on Twitter. I couldn't reply with proper thanks because that damn platform shadowbans anyone who says THANK YOU. Even in the DMs. WHO THE F@CK DOES THAT? Also saw the Tumblr asks. Will get to that as soon as I can. SORRY!'
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
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