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 blisters and then calluses whittling
down calluses is a favorite off water
activity of serious rowers besides being
a source of physical discomfort rowing
is a wonderful source of emotional
discomfort in particular rowing has
provided me with a list of fears to
overcome the racing shells I row are
quite unstable indeed given half a
chance they will gleefully dump a rower
into the water it took me considerable
effort to overcome my fear of flipping
by successfully surviving three flips
from there I went on to work through
other fears including a fear of rowing
in the pre-dawn darkness a fear of
pushing off from the dock while standing
up in the boat and a fear of being out
in the middle of a lake hundreds of
yards from the nearest shore in a tiny
boat that has thrice betrayed me
whenever you undertake an activity in
which public failure is a possibility
you are likely to experience butterflies
in your stomach I mentioned above that
since becoming a stoic I have become a
collector of insults
I have also become a collector of
butterflies I like to engage in
activities such as competitive rowing
that give me butterflies simply so I can
practice dealing with
these feelings are after all an
important component of the fear of
failure so that by dealing with them I
am working to overcome my fear of
failure
in the hours before a race I experienced
some truly magnificent butterflies I do
my best to turn them to my advantage
they make me focus on the race that lies
ahead once a race has begun I have the
pleasure of watching the butterflies
depart I have also turned elsewhere in
my pursuit of butterflies after I began
practicing stoicism for example I
decided to learn how to play a musical
instrument something I had never done
before the instrument I chose was the
banjo after several months of lessons my
teacher asked if I wanted to participate
in the recital his students give I
initially rejected the offer it sounded
like no fun at all to risk public
humiliation trying to play banjo in
front of a bunch of strangers but then
it occurred to me that this was a
wonderful opportunity to caused myself
psychological discomfort and to confront
and hopefully vanquish my fear of
failing I agreed to take part the
recital was the most stress inducing
event I had experienced in a long time
it isn't that I have a fear of crowds I
can with zero anxiety walk into a
classroom of 60 students I have never
met and start lecturing them but this
was different before my performance I
experienced butterflies the size of
small bats not only that but I also
slipped into an altered state of
consciousness in which time was
distorted and the laws of physics seemed
to stop working but to make a long story
short I survived the recital the
butterflies I experienced racing in a
regatta or giving a banjo recital are of
course a symptom of anxiety and it might
seem contrary to stoic principles to go
out of my way to cause my self anxiety
indeed if a goal of stoicism is the
attainment of tranquillity shouldn't I
go out of my way to avoid anxiety
inducing activities shouldn't I rather
than collecting butterflies flee from
them
not at all in causing myself anxiety by
for example giving a banjo recital I
have precluded much future anxiety in my
life now when faced with a new challenge
I have a wonderful bit of reasoning I
can use compared to the banjo recital
this new challenge is nothing I survived
that challenge so surely I will survive
this one by taking part in the recital
in other words I immunized myself
against a fair amount of future anxiety
it is an immunization though that will
wear off with the passage of time and I
need to be re immune eyes with another
dose of butterflies when doing things to
cause myself physical and mental
discomfort I view myself or at any rate
a part of me as an opponent in a kind of
game this opponent my other self as it
were is on evolutionary autopilot he
wants nothing more than to be
comfortable and to take advantage of
whatever opportunities for pleasure
present themselves my other self lacks
self-discipline left to his own devices
he will always take the path of least
resistance through life and as the
result will be little more than a
simple-minded pleasure-seeker he is also
a coward my other self is not my friend
to the contrary he is best regarded in
the words of Epictetus as an enemy lying
in wait to win points in the contest
with my other self i must establish my
dominance over him to do this I must
cause him to experience discomfort he
could easily have avoided and I must
prevent him from experiencing pleasures
he might otherwise have enjoyed when he
is scared of doing something I must
force him to confront his fears and
overcome them why play this game against
my other self in part to gain
self-discipline and why is
self-discipline worth possessing because
those who possess it have the ability to
determine what they do with their life
those who lack self-discipline will have
the path they take through life
determined by someone or something else
and as a result there is a very real
danger that
we'll miss live playing the game against
my other self also helps me build
character these days I realized people
smirk at talk of building character but
it is an activity that the Stoics would
heartily have endorsed and would have
recommended to anyone wishing to have a
good life one other reason for playing
the game against my other self is that
it is somewhat surprisingly fun to do it
is quite enjoyable to win a point in
this game by for example successfully