# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

:: ::
# If you think we’re on the run?

:: ::
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

:: ::
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

:: ::
# If you think old England’s done?

:: ::
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the :,

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# But he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun,

:: ::
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

:: ::
# If you think old England’s done? #

:: ::
Don’t ‘alf look posh, Mr Jones! Must look after things, Pikey boy. Don’t make vans like this now.

:: ::
Have to nurture ‘em with craftsmanship, an’ oil. That’s real gold leaf! Really?

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Vanity, sheer vanity! He wants to bandy his name all over town, like a tin of baked beans.

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Beans? Looks rather jolly. It’ll cheer people up, even if there’s no meat in it.

:: ::
Wilson, gather the men, with their secret signs. It’s confidential. Right.

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(Would you gather round?)

:: ::
(Er…would you mind gathering round Capt Mainwaring, quick as you can?)

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Wilson. Yes, sir? Wilson!

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Yes? Yes? Wilson! Here, sir.

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I’m over here, round the back. Sir!

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He wanted us to gather round him!

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You want me, sir? What are you doing? What you asked - getting them gathered round confidentially.

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What I have to SAY is confidential, not the fact that they have to gather round. Sorry, sir.

:: ::
Pay attention!

:: ::
‘Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, doesn’t Mr Jones’s van look nice? Don’t interrupt, or you’ll go home.

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What I have to say is confidential. It DOES look nice! Beg pardon? Jones’s van. A marvellous job!

:: ::
Ye-es… Now, this area…

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‘Scuse me, Mr Mainwaring, if Sgt Wilson interrupts, will you send HIM home? I shan’t tell you again, Pike!

:: ::
Now, this area has been selected for the divisional scheme,

:: ::
and the broad outline of the plan…

:: ::
CLATTER

:: ::
Mr Mainwaring, you’ve knocked down my running board. Leave it! We’ll deal with that later.

:: ::
You shouldn’t do that, Mr Mainwaring. Quiet! He put his great leg on my running board!

:: ::
Better be quiet, Mr Jones, or he’ll send you home. He’s got a mood on.

:: ::
Now, three battalions of regular troops will move into this area round Walmington and Eastgate,

:: ::
and they will defend it in depth.

:: ::
Now, our task is a vitally important one.

:: ::
We are going to signpost the area so that the units reach their correct destination. Right?

:: ::
Now, the axis of advance is down the Clayton Road, thus…

:: ::
Don’t do that, Mr Mainwaring! You’re spoiling my van. Don’t fuss. It’ll rub off.

:: ::
You’re making it worse! Don’t! Don’t! You’re desecrating it, Mr Mainwaring.

:: ::
You can soon retouch that. Don’t worry about it. Now, as you know, the signposts have been removed.

:: ::
So without our help, the whole convoy could end up in chaos.

:: ::
That’s why you’re preparing secret signs, so they can find their way.

:: ::
Who’s got the one for Walmington?

:: ::
That’s awfully good, Frank.

:: ::
The hand is almost lifelike, don’t you think, sir? Well done.

:: ::
It’s got dirty fingernails!

:: ::
Just one thing - it’s pointing the wrong way. How d’you mean?

:: ::
If they’re coming down yon road, Walmington is to the left. Ah…!

:: ::
I wondered who’d be the first to spot that.

:: ::
Well, it’s easily solved, isn’t it?

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Stupid boy!

:: ::
Just stand on your head. Don’t be impertinent, Pike!

:: ::
It’s quite simple, sir, just put it this way.

:: ::
The men coming down the road will see that there’s nothing on it and they will be intrigued.

:: ::
They’ll say, “I wonder if there’s nothing also on the other side.”

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They’ll go round the other side, and it’s pointing the right way, and we shall win the war.

:: ::
Who’s got the Eastgate sign? Here it is, sir.

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What’s that? Well, you said it was secret, so I thought I’d use code.

:: ::
A Chinaman for “east” and a gate for “gate”. East-gate.

:: ::
I don’t think that’s a very good idea at all. Send him home!

:: ::
You’ll be dropped off the van one by one. The signal is this…

:: ::
HITS VAN

:: ::
D’you mind not hitting that van in the aforesaid manner, sir? Stop fussing! There’s a war on.

:: ::
Yes, but there’s no need to spoil my van. That’s up to Hitler.

:: ::
It’s on the cards that you’ll have to drive the van across country, and you may get stuck.

:: ::
Be prepared for it. Jones, just get in the van.

:: ::
Pretend you’re driving, and you get stuck.

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You won’t have to hit my van again, will you, sir? Just get in the driving-seat! Very good.

:: ::
Now, the materials you should carry are…

:: ::
) sawdust; ) empty sacking;

:: ::
) planks; and ) a length of rope.

:: ::
With these, and some brute force, you should overcome any hazard.

:: ::
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num… Going along all right.

:: ::
Num-num-num-num-num-num…

:: ::
Oh, dear! Look, I’ve got stuck. Woo-a, woo-a, woo-a woo-a…

:: ::
All right, Jones, switch off. Switch off. Switched off, sir.

:: ::
Right, the wheels are spinning. What do we do? Use sawdust or straw for grip, and give a bit of a push.

:: ::
Good! Take up pushing positions. I’ll supervise from here.

:: ::
Right?

:: ::
Hey, you’re spoiling my van again!

:: ::
You’ve made that dangle. It’s falling to pieces. Sawdust, Wilson. Pardon? Sawdust.

:: ::
Over there, Uncle, by the wall. What about it? Put it under the wheels.

:: ::
Right. And don’t dawdle. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover. Like this? That all right?

:: ::
Yes, you’ll need a lot more than that. Right.

:: ::
Right, clear it up, Pike.

:: ::
He’s only just thrown it down. Do as you’re told, boy!

:: ::
That’ll get you out of any mud or soft country. We could also have used straw.

:: ::
He’s NOT throwing straw down as well?! A little wrinkle that’s worth knowing in case of heavy ice.

:: ::
That is, let down the pressure of the rear tyres. I’ll show you how to… Get out of the way!

:: ::
Now, you just depress the needle of the valve and let air out. LOUD HISS

:: ::
Oi, oi! What are you doing to my van? Seems to have got stuck. Give it a kick.

:: ::
Harder than that. The plunger’s stuck. Just a minute, just a…

:: ::
Oi! Stop it! Stop doing that! Stop it!

:: ::
First signposter, stand by! He’s standing by, sir. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.

:: ::
This is a responsibility and an honour. One wrong sign, and it could be wrecked.

:: ::
There’s the turning, sir.

:: ::
First signposter out!

:: ::
HITS VAN

:: ::
You’re spoiling my van again, Mr Mainwaring. Don’t be absurd, Jones, I’ve got to give the signal.

:: ::
Can’t you make a noise that doesn’t spoil my van? Toot your ‘ooter!

:: ::
Good suggestion, Pike. We’ll toot the hooter when we want you to disembark.

:: ::
He’s goin’ to toot the hooter when he wants you to get oot!

:: ::
I have good ideas sometimes!

:: ::
Captain Mainwaring, the first man has alighted safely. Right, drive on.

:: ::
VAN SLOWS DOWN AND HALTS

:: ::
Right, Jones, signal the last man out. Tick him off the list, Wilson. Right, sir.

:: ::
Hey! My tooter won’t toot! Give it a good push, man.

:: ::
HORN BLARES Oh! Oh!

:: ::
HORN SLOWLY RUNS DOWN AND DIES

:: ::
You’ve broken my tooter now! I shan’t have anything left if you carry on like this.

:: ::
Never mind, Jones, you’re helping the war effort. The last signposter has just descended.

:: ::
Right. Turn the van, Jones, drive back to the crossroads,

:: ::
and when the convoy’s gone through we can pick up everybody.

:: ::
Get out of the way! Go on, get out of the way!

:: ::
It’s been left alone and uncared for. We’ll get out and investigate.

:: ::
GENTLE HISSING OF STEAM

:: ::
Well, there seems to be no-one with it. I can see that!

:: ::
P’raps the driver’s gone into the field to have a… Pike!

:: ::
Does it no’ put you in mind of the Marie Celeste?

:: ::
She was found abandoned, food on the tables, wine in glasses,

:: ::
not a human soul, dead or alive, only the creaking of the rigging and the eerie cry of birds -

:: ::
cee-aaaw-w, cee-aaaw-w-w…

:: ::
Does it no’ strike you, Captain Mainwaring? No, not really.

:: ::
Captain Mainwaring, there’s a note. It says, “Gone to get coal.”

:: ::
We can’t hang about. He might have gone for miles. We’ll drive round. Back on the van!

:: ::
Rather a lot of rain lately. Sure we won’t bog down? Nonsense! Ground’s as firm as a rock.

:: ::
Everybody on the van!

:: ::
Excuse me, sir, wouldn’t it be better if some of us stayed off the van, to lighten the load?

:: ::
You’re not very scientific, are you, Wilson?

:: ::
Everybody knows that extra weight gives more traction to the driving wheels. Oh. Use your common sense.

:: ::
Drive on, Jones.

:: ::
THE ENGINE IS LABOURING

:: ::
Mr Mainwaring, we’re stuck.

:: ::
Pushing positions! Shouldn’t some stay on to give more traction?

:: ::
Don’t be flippant! The men are in pushing positions.

:: ::
Right. Captain Mainwaring, sir, could I push with only one hand?

:: ::
Touch of rheumatism in the shoulder. I had to sit in a draught…

:: ::
If you’re not fit for front-line duty, you shouldn’t come. I didn’t want to disappoint you.

:: ::
Well done, Godfrey (!)

:: ::
Stand by to push. Take it away, Jones. Right, sir. Vroom, vroom, VROOM ! Num-num-num-num…

:: ::
…num-num-num-num… Jones, Jones! JONES !

:: ::
…num-num-num… VROOM ! JONES !

:: ::
This isn’t an exercise, it’s the real thing. Let the clutch in. Sorry, sir!

:: ::
Push!

:: ::
Stop, stop! Will you stop it ?!

:: ::
Look what you’ve done! What are you playing at, Pike? Your uniform!

:: ::
Should we no’ be using the sawdust? Yes, of course. Shove it under the wheel. Right.

:: ::
Now, all push when I give the word. Jones, let the clutch in when I signal. Excuse me, sir.

:: ::
Pike should stand back this time. Certainly not. If you mollycoddle that boy, he’ll end up a nancy.

:: ::
Get in your place, Pike.

:: ::
Right. Stand by…

:: ::
Push!

:: ::
REVVING ENGINE

:: ::
Nearly got it that time.

:: ::
I got it all right (!)

:: ::
Stuck in the mud, are we (?)

:: ::
Ignore him, Wilson. I don’t want you to lose your temper with him.

:: ::
Dear, oh, dear! Playing at mud pies, are you? Wait till Mummy sees you!

:: ::
Go on, son, gie us a push! Help the war effort. You want to lift AND push.

:: ::
You come and lift 'ere with me, Mr Hodges. That mud will fly all over me.

:: ::
Jonesie, try to reverse, and we’ll go out the way we came in. Good idea!

:: ::
Why didn’t I think of that?

:: ::
Right. One, two, three…LIFT !

:: ::
Stop! It’s no good. I’ll say not! Look what you’ve done to me, you hooligans! Get the planks out.

:: ::
We left the planks in the hall. In the church hall ?! Put somebody on a charge.

:: ::
We could take the doors off the van and use those. Good idea! Give me a screwdriver.

:: ::
You can’t have my doors. Why not? Won’t do them any harm.

:: ::
I must stand up and boldly defy you, sir, or even threaten you with blackmail. What ?!

:: ::
I’ll put you on my sausage blacklist. Steady on!

:: ::
I have a blacklist of people I will not supply sausages to. I’ll put you on it.

:: ::
Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but you’ve driven me to it. Captain Mainwaring,

:: ::
why not ask yon warden to give us a wee bit tow? Good idea! Sir…

:: ::
I think you should be very diplomatic with him. Oh, I will.

:: ::
Hey, you, Hodges! Come here! That should have done it (!)

:: ::
Be good enough to give us a tow. A tow?! What have YOU done for ME?

:: ::
There’s a military convoy due, and we have to see it gets through. That’s YOUR hard bum, mate!

:: ::
In the name of the King, I requisition your vegetable van. Oh, no, you don’t!

:: ::
And if you don’t like it, you know what you can do.

:: ::
Why don’t you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? Be quiet!

:: ::
Go on, shoot him! I said, be quiet!

:: ::
Look, he’s driving round like we… You’ll get stuck the same as we did!

:: ::
No, I won’t, you dopey-looking thing!

:: ::
Who are YOU calling dopey? I won’t get stuck. I’ve got it up 'ere.

:: ::
I’ll back round so the driving wheels will be leading. That’s where you want it, sonny!

:: ::
YOU could shoot him, Uncle Arthur. Go away, Frank.

:: ::
Use your loaf!

:: ::
Don’t just stand there! Give us a push!

:: ::
Do we help him, sir? No. Just come away.

:: ::
Hey! Ask them to give us a hand!

:: ::
Are you stuck, Mr Mainwaring?

:: ::
Well, only slightly, but we’d be glad of an extra push.

:: ::
Come on, boys and girls, they need a push.

:: ::
EXCITED CHATTER

:: ::
Soon be out now.

:: ::
I don’t think they’ll be much help. This won’t do at all. We’ll manage, thank you.

:: ::
Go back on again. Back on the bus!

:: ::
GRUMBLING

:: ::
I’ll come and tie the rope on, then I’ll reverse and pull you out. The ground’s all right here.

:: ::
Come on, boys and girls! Everybody off!

:: ::
I’m terribly sorry about this, Mr Bluett. It’s a strange way to spend your annual party.

:: ::
Better than sitting in a draughty church hall, listening to those boring songs!

:: ::
I thought you liked my songs.

:: ::
Right, here we go!

:: ::
Won’t he get stuck? I’m fed up with your pessimism, Wilson. The driver knows what he’s doing.

:: ::
Right. Mr Mainwaring, I think you ought to know - the bus is stuck.

:: ::
What ?!

:: ::
Captain Mainwaring, I suppose you realise the convoy will come down that road minutes from now.

:: ::
You’re right, Fraser. Lorries piled up for a mile or more, sheer chaos! And you’re responsible.

:: ::
You’ll be a laughing-stock, man! I just thought you ought to know.

:: ::
We could divert them at the crossroads. I volunteer!

:: ::
It would take you an hour, even if you ran. He can’t!

:: ::
Look! You could get a lift.

:: ::
Look! Captain Mainwaring and a lot of people. Oh, no! Hide!

:: ::
I can’t hide in this. Pretend we haven’t seen them.

:: ::
That’s my bike. How dare you?! But it’s the vicar’s petrol.

:: ::
What are you doing, gallivanting with him? I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of.

:: ::
We’re going to pick bluebells.

:: ::
That’s my husband! You said you’d be all day repairing the organ.

:: ::
What about you? YOU said you were at the WVS. I take responsibility.

:: ::
Norman! I don’t care, Beryl. Let the world know.

:: ::
Five years in heaven. Face the music.

:: ::
If something HAS been going on, I must reconsider your position in the church.

:: ::
Ooh, the scandal ! Pointing fingers! Wagging tongues!

:: ::
There AREN’T no bluebells just now. Sort this out some other time. In the name of the King,

:: ::
I requisition this motorbike.

:: ::
Oh, no, you don’t! I’ll get a tractor to tow me out. Give me a lift to the crossroads.

:: ::
Start bumping! What? Bump up and down to get us through the mud.

:: ::
Pike, get in and start bumping. Mainwaring shouldn’t do that.

:: ::
We should be sitting round the fire, reading.

:: ::
Go on!

:: ::
Bump up and down! Pike!

:: ::
I AM bumping!

:: ::
Keep bumping! I AM bumping. Bump more!

:: ::
Come on, Sgt Wilson, we can manhandle it.

:: ::
Ready, boys…right! One, two, three…

:: ::
Heave!

:: ::
LOUD GRUNTING

:: ::
Captain Mainwaring!

:: ::
You’ve left a bit behind.

:: ::
Ruddy 'ooligans! You’ve ruined my bike!

:: ::
You’re very heavy-handed with vehicles. You should cherish them, and they’d respond.

:: ::
Why don’t we get the steam-engine to pull us out? We have no coal. Hodge’s van is full of logs.

:: ::
I wondered how long it’d take you to think of that. Get the wood!

:: ::
Oh, no, you’re not having my wood, and that’s final.

:: ::
You really ought to shoot him. Quiet, Frank!

:: ::
Get the wood onto the fire.

:: ::
Fraser, can you drive the roller? Aye. On you go. Pike, disconnect the trailer.

:: ::
HORN TOOTS

:: ::
ORGAN PLAYS THE CAN-CAN

:: ::
Pike, stop that music!

:: ::
MUSIC PLAYS ON It won’t stop, Mr Mainwaring. I said, stop the music! But…

:: ::
'Scuse me…

:: ::
MUSIC STOPS

:: ::
I stopped the music! Good.

:: ::
Stupid boy!

:: ::
HORN TOOTS

:: ::
Captain Mainwaring. Yes? My sister’s auntie has a cottage at the crossroads.

:: ::
We could telephone her from that telephone box and she could divert the convoy. She’s very determined!

:: ::
That’s probably our best chance. Our ONLY chance. Make the call.

:: ::
Get that steamroller moving!

:: ::
Round a bit…bit more…

:: ::
That’s enough!

:: ::
ENO-O-OUGH !

:: ::
Hello?

:: ::
I think the line’s out of order, Mr Mainwaring.

:: ::
Mr Mainwaring, the wire’s down. You’ve done it now! The convoy will come up that road…

:: ::
My men will have this lot joined up in no time. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Back off, Fraser.

:: ::
Bit more!

:: ::
Bit more!

:: ::
Bit more…contact!

:: ::
All right, Captain Mainwaring! Put the twopence in, Wilson. Over to you, Godfrey.

:: ::
Good morning, operator. Walmington-on-Sea , please.

:: ::
Subtitles by Elizabeth Ogilvie BBC Scotland 

:: ::
A CHOIR HUMS: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber

:: ::
BRAYING AND BOOING

:: ::
rewrite this entire script but if james beck was still in dad’s army as walker.