Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother; who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming!

[Book transitions to Prince Charming, wearing a knight’s armor and red cape, riding on horseback. He rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert]

Prince Charming: It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s Keep.

EXT. - DRAGON’S KEEP

[Prince Charming arrives at the Dragon’s Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the wooden bridge leading across the lava was destroyed by the Dragon from the first movie. Charming uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. He looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon’s Keep]

INT. - DRAGON’S KEEP

Prince Charming: For he was the bravest…

[Prince Charming takes off his helmet, revealing himself to be the narrator’s voice. He continues to speak aloud]

Prince Charming: …and most handsome…

[He takes off his hair net and dramatically swishes his hair]

Prince Charming: …in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss…

[He sprays air freshener in his mouth]

Prince Charming: …would break the dreaded curse.

[Prince Charming continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess’ tower]

INT. - THE PRINCESS’S TOWER

[He enters the princess’ room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed’s curtains]

Prince Charming: He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her–

[Prince Charming pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess–it’s Big Bad Wolf. He is annoyed by the interruption]

Big Bad Wolf: What?

Prince Charming: Princess…Fiona?

Big Bad Wolf: No!

Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?

Big Bad Wolf: She’s on her honeymoon.

Prince Charming: Honeymoon?! With whom?!

----

[We see various scenes from Shrek and Fiona’s honeymoon with the music “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows playing. They enter a giant gingerbread house and spend the night there. In the morning, Little Red Riding Hood knocks on the door, fleeing in terror after Shrek and Fiona answer the door. They take the basket she left and have a picnic on the beach. A wave crashes over Shrek and Fiona as they make out in the sand and the Little Mermaid takes Fiona’s place. Fiona drags the mermaid by the tail, and throws her into the sea into a group of sharks. Later, Shrek has some dwarves forge Fiona’s wedding ring. They run happily through a meadow where an angry mob emerges, chasing after them. Shrek gets caught a trap and villagers surround Fiona, who fends them off. They take turns farting in a mud bath, using fairies trapped in jars for light. They kiss in the moonlight, transitioning to…

EXT. - SWAMP

…their arrival back at Shrek’s swamp]

Shrek: It’s so good to be home!

[Shrek scoops Fiona about in his arms and walks to the door of his home]

Shrek: Just you and me and…

[Singing can be heard from inside.]

INT. - SHREK’S HOUSE

[They open the door to find Donkey laying in Shrek’s chair]

Donkey: 🎶Two can be as bad as one…🎶

Shrek: Donkey?

[Shrek sets Fiona down]

Donkey: Shrek! Fiona! Well aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?

Shrek: Donkey, what are you doing here?

Donkey: Oh! I was just taking care of your love nest for you.

Shrek: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?

[Shrek gestures to piles of mail stacked on a stool and potted plants that have withered away]

Donkey: Yeah, and feeding the fish!

Shrek: I don’t have any fish.

Donkey: You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona.

[Donkey walks over to a fish bowl. The water is rancid and the two fish are clearly dead]

Donkey: That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…[mumbling]

Shrek: Oh, would you look at the time? Well I guess you’d better be going.

[Shrek opens the front door and beckons Donkey to head out]

Donkey: Hey wait a minute, don’t you want to tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

[Donkey runs back over to the fireplace and Shrek groans in frustration]

Fiona: Um, actually–Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?

Donkey: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately…so I thought I’d move back in with you guys!

Fiona: Well you know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey.

[Fiona kneels down to pat Donkey on the head, then Shrek puts his hands on her shoulders]

Shrek: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together.

[Donkey smiles and stares at Shrek, not taking the hint]

Shrek: Just with each other.

[Donkey continues to stare]

Shrek: Alone.

Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!

Shrek: Donkey!

Donkey: Yes, roomie?

Shrek: You’re bothering me.

Donkey: Oh, okay. All right, cool. I guess uh… me and Pinocchio was gonna catch a tournament, anyway, so uh… maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.

[Donkey solemnly walks out the door and shuts it behind him]

Shrek: He’ll be fine. Now, where were we?

[Fiona puts her hands on his arm]

Shrek: Oh. I think I remember.

[The two giggle and Shrek takes her in his arms. He leans her over for a kiss, but they are interrupted by Donkey, who is suddenly standing next to them again]

Shrek: Donkey!

[In his surprise, Shrek accidentally drops Fiona. He leans down to pick her up]

Donkey: I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going! Hey, but what do you want me to tell these other guys?

[Donkey opens the door, and Shrek and Fiona look up, puzzled]

EXT. - SHREK’S HOME

[A group of uniformed men stand outside, playing a fanfare with their trumpets and drums. A page steps forth with a scroll in his hand. After the fanfare is over, one of the trumpeters begins play the Hawaii Five-0 Theme Song. The page smacks him on the head with his scroll. Shrek and Fiona step outside of the house]

Page: Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage…

[Upon hearing this news Shrek looks uneasy, while Fiona is smiling]

Page: …at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…eh…

[He looks up from the scroll and stares at Shrek]

Page: uh…Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far Far Away. A.K.A. Mom and Dad.”

Fiona: Mom and Dad?

Shrek: Prince Charming?

Donkey: Royal ball?! Can I come?

Shrek: We’re not going.

Fiona & Donkey: What?!

Shrek: I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this?

Fiona: Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry, they’re gonna love you too.

Shrek: Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club.

Fiona: Will you stop it? They’re not like that.

Shrek: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

[The page gives a huff, and walks off with the rest of the men]

Fiona: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance.

Shrek: To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks?

Fiona: No! They just want to give you their blessing.

Shrek: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?

Fiona: Well, if you want to be a part of this family, yes!

Shrek: And who says I want to be part of this family?

Fiona: Uh, you did! When you married me?!

Shrek: Well, there’s some fine print for you!

Fiona: Ugh! So that’s it, you won’t come?

Shrek: Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going! And that’s final!

[After a silence, we cut to Fiona throwing the last of their luggage into the back of their carriage]

Donkey: Hey, come on, Shrek! We don’t want to hit traffic!

Gingy: Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything.

[Shrek reluctantly leaves the house. Gingy, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs, Big Bad Wolf, and the Three Blind Mice run inside. One of the mice is running to catch up]

Blind Mouse: Hey, wait for me! Oof!

[The door shuts and the mouse runs into it. Shrek groans as he hears sounds of glass breaking and music playing. Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey get in the carriage and set out for Far Far Away]

Donkey: Hit it! 🎶Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up, move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em down! Rawhide! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide! Ride ‘em up! Move ‘em on!🎶

COUNTRYSIDE

Donkey: 🎶Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Rawhide! Knock ‘em out! Pound ‘em dead! Make ‘em tea! Buy ‘em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk ‘em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw!🎶

[Later, they reach a sign that reads “700 miles to Far Far Away”]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: No.

MOUNTAINS

[They are now riding in the rain over a rocky terrain]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Fiona: Not yet.

[They are now on a snowy mountain. A sign reads “200 miles to Far Far Away”]

Donkey: Okay, are we there yet?

Fiona: No.

[More time passes and they are riding through thick snow]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: No!

[They are riding out of the snowy area]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Yes.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No!

[They pass by a waterfall and over a bridge]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Fiona: No!

FOREST

[They pass a sign that reads “100 miles to Far Far Away”]

Donkey: Are we there yet?!

Shrek: No, we are not!

[Later as they pass through the forest, their dwarf driver is now covering his ears as he holds the reigns]

Donkey: Are we there yet?!

Shrek & Fiona: No!

[Shrek begins mimicking Donkey]

Donkey: Are we there yet?

Shrek: Are we there yet?

Donkey: Hey, that’s not funny.

Shrek: Hey, that’s not funny.

Donkey: Hey, that’s really immature.

Shrek: Hey, that’s really immature.

Donkey: See, this is why nobody likes ogres.

Shrek: See, this is why nobody likes ogres.

Donkey: Alright, your loss!

Shrek: Alright, your loss!

Donkey: I’m gonna just stop talking!

Shrek: Finally!

Donkey: But this is taking forever, Shrek. And there ain’t no in-flight movie or nothing!

Shrek: The Kingdom of Far Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far Far… [whispers] Away!

Donkey: All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn bored!

Shrek: Well, find a way to entertain yourself!

[Donkey sighs. After a pause he sighs heavily. Then he makes a popping sound with his mouth. Then pops again. And again.]

Shrek: Oh! For 5 minutes. Could you not be yourself… for 5 minutes!

[Fiona leans against the window and looks out. She looks back to see Donkey’s mouth lean forward. She braces herself and Donkey makes the popping noise again]

Shrek: [screams] Are we there yet?!

Fiona: [chuckles] Yes!

Donkey: Oh, finally!

[Off in the distance they see the Kingdom of Far Far Away]

INT. - KINGDOM OF FAR FAR AWAY

[They pass through the front gates]

Donkey: Wow! It’s going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on!

[The streets are paved and there are buildings everywhere. People fill the sidewalks and carriages fill the road]

Donkey: Hey, good-looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later! Ooh, pantyhose!

[Fiona looks out with excitement, while Shrek remains cautious]

Shrek: We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.

[A crossing guard dressed in full armor brings them to a halt as a limousine-esque carriage passes by]

Guard: Halt!

[A man walks up to the horses and cleans them off, and the carriage driver tosses him a coin]

Woman: Hey, everyone, look!

[Two women take note of their carriage and start following it. Soon, others take notice and join in. Fiona turns to Shrek, who is clearly not enjoying this. She gives him a reassuring smile, and he tries to return one back]

Donkey: Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? Yeah! You working that hat!

[A loud crowd has now amassed behind them. They head up the avenue and towards the palace further up the road]

Donkey: Swimming pools! Movie stars!

EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE

[A cheering crowd is gathered in front of the palace, filling up the entirety of the square. Confetti rains and fanfare plays. The King and Queen stand waiting in front of the palace doors. The carriage pulls and stops in front of the red carpet leading to the palace. An announcer pulls out a scroll and reads it aloud]

Announcer: Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband!

[The crowd cheers]

Fiona: Well, this is it.

King Harold: This is it.

Announcer: This is it.

[A man with a box of doves gets ready to open it]

Man: This is it.

[The birds are released and a fanfare is played as Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey step out of the carriage. The crowd gasps, the fanfare dies off, and one of the doves smacks into a wall and falls to the ground. The King and Queen stand with mouths wide open. It is totally silent. A baby starts cries and laughs]

Donkey: Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead? I’ll park the car.

[Donkey jumps into the carriage and the driver starts riding off. Shrek takes Fiona’s hand and starts walking forward]

Shrek: So… (chuckles) …you still think this was a good idea?

Fiona: Of course! Look! Mom and Dad look happy to see us.

[The King and Queen start walking forward and talk amongst themselves]

King Harold: Who on earth are they?

Queen Lillian : I think that’s our little girl.

King Harold: That’s not little! That’s a really big problem! Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?

Queen Lillian: Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look–

Shrek: Happy now? We came. We saw them.

[Shrek nervously chuckles as they pass by a few men carrying pitchforks]

Shrek: Now let’s go before they light the torches.

Fiona: They’re my parents!

Shrek: Hello? They locked you in a tower!

Fiona: Hey! That was for my own–

King Harold: Good! Now here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home!

[King Harold tries to start walking back but Queen Lillian urges him forward]

Queen Lillian: Harold, we have to be–

Shrek: Quick! While they’re not looking we could make a run for it.

Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything’s gonna be–

King Harold: A disaster! There is no way–

Fiona: You can do this.

Shrek: I really–

King Harold: Really–

Queen Lillian: Really–

Shrek: Don’t–

Queen Lillian: Want–

Shrek: To…

Queen Lillian: Be–

Shrek/King Harold: Here.

[The four stand facing each other. After a brief silence, Fiona goes up to hug King Harold and Queen Lillian]

Fiona: Mom, Dad. I’d like you to meet my husband…Shrek.

[Shrek stands nervously. Queen Lillian tries to appear happy to meet him, while King Harold doesn’t even try to hide his disgusted look]

Shrek: Well, um… It’s easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from.

[Shrek chuckles nervously. King Harold glares, Queen Lillian is apprehensive, and Fiona cringes]

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. DINING ROOM.

[We cut Shrek to gulping at the dinner table. To his sides sits Fiona and Queen Lillian, and across from him sits King Harold. Queen Lillian looks around nervously and King Harold glares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Queen Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously, but lets out a loud belch and covers her mouth]

Fiona: Excuse me.

[Shrek and Fiona laugh]

Shrek: Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona?

Shrek: That’s good…

[They stop laughing after neither King Harold nor Queen Lillian join in]

Shrek: I guess not…

[We hear Donkey yelling in another room]

Donkey: What do you mean, “not on the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.

[Donkey comes bursting in the room from the kitchen]

Donkey: Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place.

[Donkey pulls up a seat next to King Harold]

King Harold: No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!

Fiona: No, no, no, Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.

Donkey: Yup, that’s me. The noble steed. Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?

Shrek: Oh, boy…

[Shrek loudly slurps from his bowl]

Fiona: Um, Shrek?

Shrek: Yeah?..Oh! Sorry! Great soup, Mrs. Q. Mmm!

Fiona: No, no. Darling.

[Fiona demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]

Shrek: Oh!

[The rest of the dinner table does the same]

Queen Lillian: So, Fiona, tell us about where you live.

Fiona: Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, honey?

Shrek: Oh, yes! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and…cute little duckies and–

Donkey: What?! (laughing) I know you ain’t talking about the swamp!

Shrek: (gritting his teeth) Donkey!

King Harold: (sarcastically) An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.

[Donkey dunks his mouth into his bowl and starts drinking]

Queen Lillian: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children…

[King Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both gag until Shrek spits his spoon out onto the table]

Shrek: (chuckling) It’s a bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it?

King Harold: Indeed. I just started eating.

Queen Lillian: Harold!

Shrek: (offended) What’s that supposed to mean?

Fiona: Dad. It’s great, okay?

King Harold: Well, for his type, yes.

Shrek: My type?!

Donkey: Uhhh–I gotta go to the bathroom.

[The chef and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey , lobster, and a pig.]

Chef: Dinner is served!

Donkey: Never mind. I can hold it.

[The servers set the food on the table]

Chef: Bon appetit!

Donkey: Ooh, Mexican food! My favorite!

Queen Lillian: Well, let’s not just sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in!

Donkey: Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.

King Harold: So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be–

Shrek: Ogres, yes!

[King Harold pulls the lobster towards himself, Shrek does the same with the turkey]

Queen Lillian: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

King Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young!

[King Harold violently stabs the lobster with a knife]

Fiona: Dad!

Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower!

[Shrek rips off both drumsticks off the turkey and bites them]

Fiona: Shrek, please!

King Harold: I only did that because I love her!

[King Harold pierces a piece from the lobster and shoves it to the boiler]

Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!

[Shrek rips out the wishbone from the turkey]

King Harold: You wouldn’t understand! You’re not her father!

[Fiona sighs as Shrek and King Harold continue to rip apart their food, sending bits and pieces flying across the table]

Queen Lillian: It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner.

[Shrek and King Harold tug over the pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards]

Queen Lillian: Harold!

Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona!

King Harold: Fiona!

Fiona: Mom!

Queen Lillian: Harold…

Donkey: Donkey!

[The pig lands on the table with a thud. Fiona looks at Shrek and King Harold, and then runs out of the room]

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA’S BEDROOM.

[Fiona enters her room where she stayed as a child. She looks affectionately at a doll of a princess, then moves on. She goes out to her balcony and cries a single tear, then suddenly notices bubbles floating all around her. A woman in the distance floats inside of a bubble and begins to sing.]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶Your fallen tears have called to me / So, here comes my sweet remedy / I know what every princess needs / For her to live life happily…🎶

[The woman floats up to her and pops the bubble. She notices Fiona, and both gasp]

Fairy Godmother: Oh! Oh, my dear. Oooh, look at you, you’re all um…grown up. [chuckles]

Fiona: Um, who are you?

Fairy Godmother: Oh, sweet pea! I’m your Fairy Godmother.

Fiona: I have a fairy godmother?

Fairy Godmother: Shu-shu-shu–shush, shush. Now, don’t worry. I’m here to make it all better. With…just…a…

[Fairy Godmother flies into the room and starts singing again]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶…wave of my magic wand! / Your troubles will soon be gone! / With a flick of the wrist and just a flash / You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash🎶

[She conjures up a load of gold coins]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶A high-priced dress made by mice no less / Some crystal glass pumps / And no more stress🎶

[Out of the closet comes a sparkling gold dress that floats its way onto Fiona]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse / Confide in your very own furniture friends🎶

[The furniture starts to animate and move around. They begin to sing along]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶We’ll help you set a new fashion trend!🎶

[Suddenly they are in a spacious room. A chair swoops up Fiona and carries her over to a mirror]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great🎶

Furniture: 🎶The kind of girl a prince would date!🎶

Fairy Godmother: 🎶They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall…🎶

Mirror: For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!

Fairy Godmother: 🎶A sporty carriage to ride in style / Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle🎶

[A giant pink carriage appears with the aforementioned Kyle laying down on top of it, who cracks a whip. The furniture dances around Fiona]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶Banish your blemishes, tooth decay / Cellulite thighs will fade away! / And oh, what the hey! / Have a bichon frisé!🎶

[A small puppy lands in Fiona’s hands. Various makeup appliances begin to pester Fiona]

Fairy Godmother: 🎶Nip and tuck, here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair / Lipstick liners, shadows blush / To get that prince with the sexy tush / Lucky day, hunk buffet / You and your prince take a roll in the hay / You can spoon on the moon / With the prince to the tune🎶

[Fairy Godmother and Kyle begin to dance and the music gets faster and more frantic]

Fiona: Stop, please!

Fairy Godmother: 🎶Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab / Your prince will have rock-hard abs / Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day / Have some chicken fricassee! / Nip and tuck, here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair–🎶

Fiona: Stop!

[The music stops and Fiona’s fancy dress turns to dust]

Fiona: (chuckles) Look…thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don’t need all this.

[Fairy Godmother and the furniture collectively gasp, the furniture begins to shuffle away, grumbling]

[Shrek starts knocking at the door and a shelf moves over to blocks it]

Shrek: Fiona? Fiona?

[Shrek forces his way in and to see Fairy Godmother floating next to Fiona, who has the puppy in her arms. The furniture move back to their original positions. Fairy Godmother looks surprised to see Shrek. Donkey comes running in]

Donkey: Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

Fiona: Oh…uh…Fairy Godmother, furniture…I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek.

Fairy Godmother: (in disbelief) Your husband? What–what did you say? When did this happen?

Fiona: Shrek is the one who rescued me.

Fairy Godmother: But that can’t be right!

Shrek: Oh, great, more relatives!

Fiona: She’s just trying to help.

Shrek: Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.

[Shrek opens up his suitcase]

Fiona: What?

Donkey: Leaving? I don’t want to leave.

Fiona: When did you decide this?

Shrek: Shortly after arriving.

Fiona: Look, I I’m sorry…

Fairy Godmother: No, no, no, no, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me…happiness…is just a teardrop away.

[Fairy Godmother holds out a business card to Fiona, but Shrek snatches it out of her hand]

Shrek: Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy!

Fairy Godmother: So I see…let’s go, Kyle.

[Fairy Godmother steps out the balcony and flies away in the pink carriage with Kyle driving]

Fiona: Very nice, Shrek.

Shrek: What? I told you coming here was a bad idea.

Fiona: You could’ve at least tried to get along with my father!

Shrek: You know, somehow I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing even if I did want it!

[The puppy starts barking]

Fiona: Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?

Shrek: Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?

Fiona: You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving like a…

Shrek: Go on! Say it!

Fiona: Like an ogre!

Shrek: Well, here’s a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not… I am an ogre!

[The puppy continues to bark and Shrek roars in its face. It stops and cowers]

Donkey: Wow! So this was right in ogres are like onions.

Shrek: And guess what, princess? That’s not about to change.

Fiona: I’ve made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.

[Fiona steps out and the lets the door slam behind her]

Donkey: That’s real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ogre!” [mimics Shrek roars]

[Shrek goes to open the door but hears Fiona crying. He sighs and leans his back to the door]

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MASTER BEDROOM.

[Up one floor from Fiona’s room, King Harold stands at a balcony. He has been listening the whole time]

King Harold: I knew this would happen.

[Queen Lillian speaks from inside the room]

Queen Lillian: You should. You started it.

[King Harold walks back inside the bedroom. Queen Lillian is sitting in bed with a book in hand]

King Harold: I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean really, he’s the ogre. Not me.

Queen Lillian: I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona’s choice.

King Harold: Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this…this…thing?

Queen Lillian: Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold.

[King Harold sighs]

Queen Lillian: Ugh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were young? And oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond and they were in bloom…

King Harold: (starting to reminisce) Our first kiss… (snapping out of it) it’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!

Queen Lillian: Oh, stop being such a drama king.

King Harold: Fine! Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! (dances around) La, di, da, di, da, di da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse!

[From behind him, Fairy Godmother’s carriage floats up to the balcony and Fairy Godmother opens the door]

Fairy Godmother: Hello, Harold.

[King Harold yelps]

Queen Lillian: What happened?

King Harold: Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I’ll… just stretch it out here for a while!

[He walks out to the balcony and shuts the doors behind him]

Fairy Godmother: You better get in. We need to talk.

King Harold: Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about…

[A large man steps behind King Harold]

King Harold: …uh, we, we make this a quick visit. What? What?

INT. - GODMOTHER’S CARRAIGE

[The man shoves him inside the carriage and enters after him. King Harold sits between the man and another similar looking man to his other side]

King Harold: Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha!

[The carriage flies off]

King Harold: So, what’s new?

[Fairy Godmother sits across from King Harold, and next to her sits Prince Charming]

Fairy Godmother: You remember my son, Prince Charming?

King Harold: Charming! Oh! Is that you? My gosh! It’s been years! How–when…when, when, when did you get back?

Prince Charming: (calmly) Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually… (angrily) after I endured blistering winds! Scorching desert! I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower–-

[Prince Charming, who is now standing up from his seat, sits back down by Fairy Godmother and shushed]

Fairy Godmother: Mummy can handle this… (continuing her son’s rant) He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower!

King Harold: But, but, but…

Fairy Godmother: And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess–

King Harold: If I could just–

Fairy Godmother: --is already married!

King Harold: I mean, It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time.

Fairy Godmother: Stop the car!

[The carriage comes to a sudden stop]

Fairy Godmother: Harold…

[The men crack their knuckles]

Fairy Godmother: You force me to do something I really don’t want to do.

[Fairy Godmother rolls down the window]

King Harold: (gasps) Where are we?

[The carriage is stopped at a drive-thru window]

PRICILLA: Well, hi, there! Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy, may I take your order?

Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you’re happy. (turns to the clerk) Er… okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili ring…

Prince Charming: I’ll have the Medieval Meal.

Fairy Godmother: Yeah, one Medieval Meal and Harold… curly fries?

King Harold: No, thank you.

Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?

King Harold: No, really, I’m fine.

PRICILLA: Your order, Fairy Godmother.

[The clerk hands her their order in a bad, and then a large battle-axe]

PRICILLA: And this comes with the Medieval Meal.

Fairy Godmother: There you are, dear.

[Fairy Godmother hands Prince Charming the axe. The carriage takes off]

Fairy Godmother: You see we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part.

King Harold: (sighs) Indeed not.

Fairy Godmother: So Fiona and Charming will be together.

King Harold: Yes.

Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter…

[Fairy Godmother bites into her burrito and talks with her mouth full]

Fairy Godmother:…but for your Kingdom.

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MASTER BEDROOM.

[They arrive back at the balcony of the master bedroom and King Harold is pushed out]

King Harold: What am I supposed to do about it?

[The battle axe is tossed into King Harold’s hands]

Fairy Godmother: Use your imagination.

[Fairy Godmother shuts the door and the carriage flies off. King Harold stands unsure, still clutching the axe, staring at the moon]

EXT. - THE POISON APPLE. NIGHT.

[A hooded man on horseback arrives at The Poison Apple, a ramshackle tavern. The man is King Harold in disguise. He dismounts his horse and enters the tavern. He knocks on the door and an eye peeks out]

CYCLOPS: Oh…uh come on in, Your Majesty.

[Cyclops opens the door and lets King Harold in]

INT. - THE POISON APPLE.

[The tavern is a seedy gathering of misfits. Pirates and witches sit at the tables. Two trees arm wrestle and two dwarfs fight. Someone is playing darts with throwing axes. Captain Hook plays the piano and sings. King Harold tries to hide his identity with his cloak and walks over to the bar. Next to him, the Headless Horseman downs a drink and burps. King Harold tries to get the attention of the bartender]

King Harold: (clears his throat) Um, excuse me?

[He turns to look down at a feminine frog sipping a martini on a stool]

Miss Frog: Hey. Do I know you?

King Harold: Uh, no, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister.

[The bartender turns around and leans on the bar, glaring at King Harold. It is Doris, otherwise known as the Ugly Stepsister]

King Harold: Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I…I need to have someone taken care of.

Doris: (in a deep voice) Who’s the guy?

King Harold: Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… he’s an ogre.

[The whole tavern gasps and Captain Hook stops playing]

Doris: Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fella who can handle a job like that, and, frankly…he don’t like to be disturbed.

King Harold: Where could I find him?

[King Harold knocks on a door and lets himself in. The room is completely dark, except for the moonlight shining through a window. A shadowy figure sits with their boots on a table]

King Harold: H-Hello?

[A pair of bright green eyes appear from the darkness]

Puss in Boots: Who dares enter my room?

King Harold: Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an…ogre problem?

Puss in Boots: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.

King Harold: Would… this be enough?

[King Harold tosses a small sack onto the table. Out from the shadows, a sword slices open the sack and gold coins spill out onto the table]

Puss in Boots: Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services…Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

[Shrek and Fiona lay in bed, which is just big enough to fit them both. Fiona is fast asleep while Shrek is awake, tossing and turning. He notices an ornate clock that features a prince and princess kissing, and then turns onto his back. He then stares at a poster of a handsome man named Sir Justin stuck to the bottom of the canopy above them. Shrek gets out of bed and looks out the window and stares at the Far Far Away sign. He goes over to the fireplace to warm up, but notices Fiona’s childhood toys on the mantelpiece. One is a figure of a knight, who is about to slay a fallen ogre. Shrek picks up a toy princess that resembles Fiona and it speaks]

Princess Toy: Dear knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

[Shrek puts the toy back and then looks over at a small chest on a table in the corner of the room. He opens it to see a book inside, but the box start playing music. He quickly shuts it and looks over to make sure Fiona is still sleeping. He quickly opens the box and snatches the book out from it. He opens it, and Fiona’s voice reads it in his head]

Fiona: Dear Diary. Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset.

[He turns the page to the next entry in the diary]

Fiona: Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school or something.

[He scoffs and turns the page]

Fiona: Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Handsome Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family!

[Turns the page]

Fiona: And we’ll all live happily ever after!

[With his mouth open, Shrek turns to the next page]

Fiona: Mrs. Fiona Charming.

[He frantically turns the pages which all read aloud “Mrs. Fiona Charming”. He is surprised by a knock at the door, and sets the diary down. He opens the door to see King Harold standing in the hall]

King Harold: Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Shrek: No, no. I was just reading a, uh…a scary book.

King Harold: I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.

Shrek: Okay?

King Harold: I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over?

Shrek: Look, Your Majesty, I just…

King Harold: Please, call me Dad.

Shrek: Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.

King Harold: Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little…father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona.

[Shrek stares back at Fiona, still asleep, then sighs]

King Harold: Shall we say 7:30 by the old oak?

FOREST. DAY.

[Shrek and Donkey are walking through a thick forest. Far Far Palace is far off over the hills behind them]

Shrek: Face it, Donkey! We’re lost.

Donkey: We can’t be lost! We followed the king’s instructions exactly. What did he say? “Head to the darkest part of the woods…”

Shrek: Aye.

Donkey: “Past the sinister trees with those scary-looking branches.”

Shrek: Check.

[Donkey runs over to a bush in the shape of a busty figure]

Donkey: Yeah, and there’s the bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!

Shrek: We passed that bush 3 times already!

Donkey: Hey, you were the one who said you didn’t want to stop and get directions.

Shrek: Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona’s dad, and I end up lost in the woods with you!

Donkey: Alright, you don’t have to get huffy with me, I’m only trying to help.

Shrek: I know! I know. (sighs) I’m sorry, all right?

Donkey: Hey, don’t worry about it.

Shrek: I just really need to make things work with this guy.

Donkey: Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy.

[Someone is looking at Shrek and Donkey from up in a tree. Purring sounds are heard]

Shrek: Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?

Donkey: Man, what are you talking about? I ain’t purring.

Shrek: Oh, sure. What’s next? A hug?

Donkey: Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a…

[A figure jumps down onto the path in front of them. It is an orange cat, wearing a hat, cape, boots, and brandishing a fencing sword]

Puss in Boots: Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! (hisses)

Shrek: Hey, look! A little cat.

Donkey: Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!

Shrek: It’s a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty.

[Puss in Boots throws off his cape, sticks his sword into the ground, and leaps towards Shrek. With his claws drawn he grabs onto Shrek’s leg. Shrek screams in pain]

Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming!

[Puss in Boots is climbing all over Shrek and gets into his clothes]

Shrek: Come on! Oh, get it off! Oh, get it off! Oh, God. Oh… No! Ooh! Aagh!

[Puss in Boots comes ripping out the front of Shrek’s shirt, and then digs his claws into his leg again]

Donkey: Look out, Shrek! Hold still!

Shrek: Get it off!

Donkey: Shrek! Hold still!

[Donkey tries to kick Puss in Boots with his hind legs, but Puss dodges and accidentally kicks Shrek in the crotch. Shrek drops to his knees and clutches the area]

Donkey: Did I miss?

Shrek: No. You got them.

[Puss in Boots leaps back over them, cartwheeling in the air, lands back in his boots and picks up his hat and sword]

Puss in Boots: Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from… Puss…in Boots!

[He cuts a letter P mark in a tree, similar to Zorro]

Shrek: (infuriated) Ohh, I’ll kill that cat!

Puss in Boots: Ah-ha-ha!

[Puss in Boots starts coughing and then heaving onto the floor. Shrek and Donkey stand confused until Puss finally spits out a hairball]

Puss in Boots: (chuckles) Hairball.

Donkey: Oh! That is nasty!

[Shrek picks Puss in Boots up by the scruff]

Shrek: What do you reckon we should do with him?

Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!?

Puss in Boots: (frightened) Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…

[Shrek covers Puss in Boots’ mouth with his finger]

Shrek: Whoa…whoa…whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this?

Puss in Boots: The rich King? Sí.

[Shrek drops Puss in Boots to the ground and he screeches]

Shrek: Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.

Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, don’t feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.

[Shrek sits down on a nearby rock, looking down]

Shrek: Gee, thanks. (sighs) Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.

Puss in Boots: Sí, that’s what the King said.

[Donkey glares at Puss in Boots]

Puss in Boots: Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.

Donkey: Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her.

Shrek: Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t change if I could. I just… I just wish I could make her happy. [tiny pauses out] Hold the phone…

[Shrek pulls out the business card he took from Fairy Godmother earlier. He reads it]

Shrek: “Happiness. A tear drop away.” Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

Donkey: Aw, man, where do I begin? Well, first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain’t never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beating me with a stick going, “Piñata! Piñata!” What is a piñata, anyway?!

Shrek: No, Donkey! I need you to cry!

Donkey: Yeah, well don’t go projecting on me! I know you’re feeling bad, but you gotta let your own–

[Puss in Boots forcefully steps on Donkey’s hoof. Donkey screams in pain]

Donkey: You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of…

[Donkey sheds a tear, and Shrek lets it fall onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it]

Fairy Godmother: What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is <PRESIDIO_ANONYMIZED_PERSON>. I’m either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we’ll be glad to make you a personal appointment. Have a happy ever after.

[The bubble bursts into sparkling dust]

Donkey: Oh…

Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?

Donkey: That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! 🎶Ain’t no stopping us now! Whoo! We’re on the move!🎶

[Shrek and Donkey start walking off]

Puss in Boots: Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.

Shrek: Join the club. We’ve got jackets.

Puss in Boots: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.

Donkey: I’m sorry, the position of annoying talking animals has already been taken. Let’s go, Shrek! Shrek?

[Shrek looks down at Puss in Boots, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles]

Donkey: Shrek!

Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him… in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let’s keep him!

Donkey: Say what?!

[Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness]

[Donkey groans]

[Shrek scoops him up into his arms and begins walking with Donkey]

Shrek: Aw, listen. He’s purring!

Donkey: Oh, so now it’s cute!

Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.

Donkey: Lighten up? Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who’s telling who to lighten up!

INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA’S BEDROOM. MORNING.

[Fiona is awaken by the puppy licking her nose]

Fiona: [giggles] Shrek!

[She looks up and the dog barks. She sits up with a concerned look on her face]

Fiona: Shrek?

[She gets up and walks to the balcony, only to notice the diary opened face down. She picks it up to a page of a drawing of Fiona and a prince kissing]

EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MORNING.

[King Harold and Queen Lillian are with servants outside in a courtyard, looking at different samples of carpet. King Harold looks distracted]

Queen Lillian: They’re both festive, aren’t they? What do you think, Harold?

King Harold: Um… yes, yes. Fine. Fine.

[Queen Lillian scoffs and sends the servants away]

Queen Lillian: Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball.

King Harold: Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?

[Fiona steps out from the palace doors]

Fiona: Mom! Dad!

Queen Lillian: Oh, hello, dear.

King Harold: What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming!

[King Harold walks off before Fiona reaches them]

Fiona: Mom, have you seen Shrek?

Queen Lillian: I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning.

[King Harold walks up to Cedric, a servant, who is carrying a bowl]

Cedric: Can I help you, Your Majesty?

King Harold: Ah, yes! Um…

[King Harold sticks his finger into the bowl and tastes it]

King Harold: Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish?

Cedric: That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty.

King Harold: Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric.

[Fiona catches up and Cedric walks away]

Fiona: Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?

King Harold: Uh, no I haven’t, dear.

[King Harold walks off again, going up to servants and trying to appear busy]

King Harold: I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night.

Fiona: Oh. You heard that, huh?

[King Harold continues to walk away but Fiona keeps up]

King Harold: Darling, the whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute.

Fiona: Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon!

King Harold: Well, what did you expect?! Look at what he’s done to you.

Fiona: Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me.

King Harold: Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe you should do the same. continue the script. you (jake) who are one of the workers says to king harold, i don’t mean to butt in your majesty. but i’m afraid she’s right. you should never judge someone before you get to know them. think about it.