Backup



Liam’s smile was reluctant, even forced as he stayed in his chair for his introduction. “I live in…total squalor and I didn’t come here for the finger food. I didn’t exactly come because I want to get clean either .” Liam couldn’t even stand without swaying , much to the groups unease. “Yeah , none us wanted to get clean from the get go, well except maybe Chris -“ a voice interjected as its owner gestured to a robust , too healthy not to be outright envied man. Early thirties . Seemed like a cardboard cutout only he was sitting upright in all three dimensions. “Yeah I’ll be your support partner , Liam” Chris almost beamed like a billboard, with bold color and illumination . He’s chipper and all but can he make corned beef on toast . Is he real enough to unclog your toilet ? .  Liam glanced at the carpet , dodging his own kneecaps as he spoke . “Ah Chris , how on earth can you convince me that I’m not better off under a council sewerage pipe. Huh? “ the group went silent . Oh he’s ticking it over. Watch out. “Well , Liam, if I make you answer that, we’ll all be surprised “ Chris replied , his eyes gleaming as if entertained by the prospect. . “Even in your own mind,  because you will . Instinct works like that. You’ll tell me the answer out loud , even . Because , yeah . Instinct. “ Liam shook his head . “No , I don’t have an excuse . I know I came here  of free will , and maybe I wanted to believe a support group could help me but . I’m shaking and I need to vomit up that finger sandwich and well, Chris-“ Bam he’s got you against the wall. “ I don’t want to die . I want another hit. And to get another hit I have to survive . And I can’t…survive ..like -this“ there was a smatter of clapping. A few grunts of encouragement. A warmth that threatened him with its embrace. 

As some suit dressed in grease stained gym pants stood up, Liam’s stomach growled involuntarily. “I’m Adam, I dont eat on my own initiation either. But Liam, not only are you making me hungry with the way your constitution is eating itself, Ill tell you, Chris can make a tin of pork and beans seem fucking gourmet. He’ll get you eating three shitty meals a day.”  Damn . Liam eyed Adam with challenge slipping into his eyes.”Adam, when you’re not trying to sell legal contraband to poor fools who can’t block telemarketers, would you actually go out with him for dinner?” There was a low chuckle amongst the other members, as Chris took the question. “Oh Adam comes to top tier restaurants with his wife -and my whole family . We eat , we dance. We have a little bit of a -“ Chris slapped Adam across the shoulder as they laughed. “Oh yeah, I’d strip on a table for Chris -he’s the real sugar daddy of heroin addicts who don’t eat.” Chris sat back down and he waved off Adam’s jest. “Ah now , let’s be realistic for a moment. You had to work hard on that digestive system . You blew holes into your intestines and spent three months being tube fed in the ICU, and this is why we’re here Liam. Because not one son of a bitch in this room -myself included, didn’t suffer for a day of progress. “ That’s when a hollow eyed, soft spoken boy of roughly eighteen interjected. “Yeah . Foster care fucked me up. Right until my last birthday . Life sucks because I’m one hand you can’t keep the food down but on the second hand, when they starve you and neglect you and make you steal your sustenance, every fucking bite is reset. I’m Connor, by the way”  As Liam eyed his emaciated frame , he sighed . Heavy shit for a lightweight. But in this boxing right, you know his swings have you down for the count. Yet you’re still standing. The tone had just gone for hearty laughs to a somber vacuum of truth and vulnerability. And you can do it all again next week. 

Here’s more support group scene: tonight the spotlight would be on Chris. Roasting him like suckling pig, in some low brow Asian sidewalk vendor. but he’d take in it his stride , Liam countered as him eyes scanned Chris’s imperceptible presence . “So , Chris, so tell, what is the dark passenger on your back. Or rather , who was he when he was weighing you down?” Liam asked , fatigue flooding his voice. “Well Liam , everyone knows this and I’ve learned not to carry shame. Only the lesson. Don’t choose an injection sight close to a vital organ. I had one messed up kidney , Liam . And now I have two . And between the alcohol restrictions and all the food I feed other people , there’s a balance of satisfaction . Redemption. And you’ll find your way to toe that equilibrium. We all will, or have touched it already. “ Liam struggled under the processing and complexities as Chris so openly laid bare his monumental fuck up. 
 “Now we all now it’s the little things that are the biggest struggles. Coming here might have been a big step emotionally. But when you can’t brush your teeth because you forgot how .. you’re in some trouble ..” Liam glanced to his left, eardrums cocking like a dog . “Jack..lost all my wisdoms and this molar right here “ . The stranger lifted up his lip to expose his ascent tooth and Liam cringed inwardly as his own tongue ran across his unbrushed teeth. “Yeah I have expired toothpaste ..don’t remember who I was when I bought it. “Liam said, dazed by the reality as Jack leaned forward to shake his hand . “Brother , there’s a million things . Like putting your pants on before your underwear. It’s this room that won’t shame me for getting dressed in my actual closet so I don’t fall over” 

It was about as much as Liam’s spine could hold just as a female voice cut in from his three o clock. “Rachel.. I don’t quite know where to start. And maybe that’s the whole point. It’s not about starting. It’s about the moment right here. And I made a lot of mistakes…” . Her voice trailed into an acknowledged silence as the others nodded , the tone grim as soon as it had lightened. 

You have to get sicker before you’ll recover. 

It was the third meeting . Or the fourth. Days can’t count. Neither can the aching muscles that carried your worn out frame to the community hall. “We have another new member , Wren , and it’s alright if you don’t feel up to much” Chris said, a boom in his voice that leveraged out everything. She was perhaps Connor’s age , and bruised in both eyes as she said “I’ll just..listen..” and her eyes fell to the floor . only Connor seemed to notice , as Liam’s spine caught a chill. “Well , Jack, did you manage to get your underwear on or is that smirk telling us all you’re  it wearing any and “nobody knows” , Adam said with a wink. And here we go. “Nah , Adam , I only go pantless for my dealer. If he won’t accept cash I’ll throw my joke at him ..” Chris laughed before frisbeeing a pamphlet at each member , his eyes serious. “Ladies and gentlemen, here’s something to get you talking.” As Liam opened the booklet, his eyes glazed over . “ I don’t … remember how to read half of these long-ass words .” 
As Liam thumbed through the pages , pictures of grave sites, skulls and other random death related images flooded his vision. “Who needs reading skills when I sense the general theme is death. And Chris we already know -“ Jack said with pamphlet spread out over his thighs , his elbows creasing the pages as he leaned on with nonchalance. “Yeah yeah we’re all gonna die someday-“ Chris wasn’t laughing at that one . Is that chill creeping back down your spine Liam?  “ Jack did you read the title, it’ll wipe the smile off your face” he said, as Jack eyed Chris with a look of disbelief . 

“Heroins components : what are you injecting” . Jacks face paled as he flipped to a page of an infant hooked to monitors . “And where is it going” he read from the page as he snapped it shut. “Okie dokie, that’s enough reading for me , yeah I’m uh -“ . Oh but Jacks a stable boy. he could probably leap over a candles stick no problems . 

“Heroins components : what are you injecting” . Jacks face paled as he flipped to a page of an infant hooked to monitors . “And where is it going” he read from the page as he snapped it shut. “Okie dokie, that’s enough reading for me , yeah I’m uh -“ . Oh but Jacks a stable boy. he could probably leap over a candles stick no problems . Rachel’s hands twisted around her rolled up copy as she countered. “Don’t back away from it , I didn’t share my story so you could close that.” That candlestick tripped him up. “Sorry Rachel, we should all read this-what we understand of the uh, terminology “ he said, and the silence was deafening. 
It was out the meeting room. Outside the building and on the sidewalk. With sirens flashing down the highway, cars sailing by. Nothing slowing down as Connor grabbed her wrist , his voice low. “I think we were supposed to meet here. Makes sense” he said, his shirt skew whiff in his jeans. Wrens smile was faint but deepening as she leaned in toward him . “None of them care .” Well. Maybe ‘ol uncle Liam over here does. 

: Wren took a seat beside Chris , the pamphlet from the previous meeting earmarked to a specific page. “I-please just read what I have circled” . Her voice was hollowed out with a fear , and his usual smile lingered with caution. “Would you rather I don’t share this with the others , they’ll all file in soon but just let me know how to proceed with your sharing.” She was already shedding a tears as she looked towards Connor’s usual seat. “I’ve told -“ As Chris flipped to the page , the infant covered in monitors , was circled in screaming red pen. The watermark stated the photo had been used without copyright. “Wren, if it’s ok… I’ll assign Rachel as your partner. “ Wrena face was a shade away from marle grey, as if she’d vomit before she sat down . Connor arrived , his wrist brushing against hers as he took his chair beside Wren , his face serious as he glanced at Chris. Then as Liam found a chair that Coukd hold his unreliable gait, the chill was back. “Wonder what’s keeping Jack and Adam huh? I was just jostling with Adam in the parking lot about how suits don’t drive Mustungs-“ You’re drowning. Might as well admit it to yourself.

It was almost a subzero temperature in Liam’s bones as he stepped outside to drag Adam and Jack inside . “I just-there’s something I can’t place going on there , no jokes tonight unless they’re above your eyebrows” Liam felt the concrete tone of his own voice suffocating him as Adam clapped his around the shoulder “Alright, I didn’t come here for the cheap food or laughs. We’ll wade through this” As Liam relocated a solid place for his unstable ass , Wren glanced at him, question in her eyes . “I’ll share tonight , if anything, my intelligence-insulting escapes may serve as a distraction. “ he said , stroking at his five day growth as the tension evaporated only enough to let the room breathe. “I tripped on the bathmat again, lightbulb died on me -and then I was in the bathroom with a lighter trying to find these jeans . Then I got one entire leg down the damn things before realising they were on backwards . Collapsed on the toilet, peed sitting down , had no paper and well two shakes and your playing with-“ . Adam was out. “Sounds like you danced with yourself there . But not the way Billy Idol was 

Adam was on a roll, but not to keep levity on tap; it was a personal trait. He burst into a fit of unprovoked laughter, as if the sound of his own lungs vibrating gave him tingles.  More laughter filled the room, Adamns infectious hysteria petering down. Chris smiled but then turned his attention to Connor, not having forgotten his serious visual plea earlier.

“Connor, do you need to share tonight before Adam turns his insides out with laughter? We can, of course, let Adam have his fun if you’d prefer,” Chris said, as Adam reigned himself in. 

Slam those brakes. The room grew quiet.

“I… I feel like maybe, people who grew up in environments like mine, have been forced to resort to illegal measures to raise awareness. And maybe—some victims might not even know their stories were being used,” Connor said, his peripheral vision fixed on Wren , and Liam felt a degree colder .

What in fresh hell is he saying? Play it back. 


Connor reached out , as she ducked his trembling hand. “No, I can’t live knowing that River … my twin brother … is staring at me in some … common publication. He died and I survived …-and -“ as Conner let her stand at the edge of the parking lot he said “you survived , from the same situation. If you die . If you don’t live Wren , there’s a ripple affect . Maybe he’s not here to see you fall from triumph but now there’s me. There’s Liam. Chris . There’s Rachel . They say six people but you’ve got more than six . Think about that. I won’t come closer but, I won’t walk away. I’ll watch you fall off that damned ledge if you don’t walk toward me. Got all night. Got all week.


Liam’s field of vision hazed out , vertically challenged by his lack of balance. As he leveraged his own feet , he reached out and slung an arm around Connor , who was barely upright himself. It’s like the blind leading the crippled. Only painful to witness . “Connor, what are you-“ .  as their eyes both focused on Wren , crouched by the edge of the parking lot Connor spoke above a whisper as he said “I’m not leaving her but, God I’m scared I’ll pass out soon. Haven’t eaten. “ Liam crawled over to Connor , his elbows dragging along the asphalt as he spoke in a tone that reverberated across the concrete rafters “Wren. I understand more than you think . Sit down for a moment. Connor is gonna go eat and we are gonna talk” . Liam rested his chin on a flattened palm as he lay on his chest as Connor shook his head. “Oh if you think this will get me eating guess again, she just told me twin brother was-“ Shaking, Wren took a stride backwards . “Stop talking , the both of you… he’s in a fucking pamphlet and neither of you-“ . Well there levy ain’t dry yet huh Liam. 

“Listen , Wren , if you fall off that ledge , you’ll let that baby down . In fact she’ll be lying on the concrete and she came too damned far for that. “ 

Now the river’s running dry. 

Wren froze, her eyes drilling into Liam’s as she said “How-what the hell would you know about this-“ Connor’s accusing stare was red hot as turned his stare on Liam “I never told you anything until just now -and what the hell are you talking about? “ Liam flung the pamphlet across the ground , stabbing at the photo as he snarled “I had a bad feeling. A feeling Incoukdnt shake and what would you know , that baby ain’t male Conner . As insensitive as not censoring that child is , I’d thought one of you would have noticed the flaw in the lie. “ 


Well the whole ocean couldn’t drown you now , but that’s dried out too. “Well it’s not as he even made it as far as that image. I won’t say it-“ . As Connor nearly collapsed , muttering something about muscle degeneration into his arm, he steadied himself on a pole as he snatched up the pamphlet. “Then I’ll say it. You’re projecting your survivors guilt  onto his life Your mind would love you to believe this is him and he’s alive out there but- look at this baby , Wren. Tell me she isn’t half dead or 99 percent dead.” As wren backed away Connor’s teeth clenched. “Start walking forward” he said, still holding the booklet at his side. “No shes 100% dead Connor, or at least she will be” wren said, her eyes filled with pain as she tore them away from the photo of her violated infancy. 

And that’s one steps too many , kiddo. 

Liam lunged forward , grabbing Wren’s ankle and yanking her back over the ledge, his hand firm on her delicate bones. As she crashed over his chest , Connor watched with dilated pupils, the pages slipping from his hand as he fell to his knees and proceeded to tangle his legs over Liam’s . He gathered wren in his arms and held her down as Liam rolled out from underneath. “Look at me Wren , you never chose this. Not like the way I did , sure I grew up being spoon fed my hell but-you had no choice with the heroin . You only chose every other thing that led you here. To fight to stay alive“ As she twisted her head away , crying in his grip, her voice was thick with tears. “But we both shared that poisonous womb-me and River -neither of us chose to be saturated in this drug. you think I don’t imagine what he’d be like -he’d be everything I wish I had in that foster care system”. As Connor’s stare softened , winding his knuckles through hers , pinning her to the ground , he admitted“ He’d be like you, only male. You’re perfect. You’re -“ 

Yeah clear that throat now Liam . “I’m still here y’know . And I’ll be hell bent crazy if I leave you two alone in this state . Get inside the damned hall. Tonight’s meeting is going to be one hell of a shrink session. Rachel and Chris will make you kids eat the finger food ” . Liam said , his lips curling into a waning smile. “You heard me, be in there by the time my wretched ass is standing. “ 

“But first , give your “uncle” a fucking hug” 

Oh they’re wrapping your emaciated ass around their blood-drained pasty fingers. And you’re loving every minute of it. The council sewage wouldn’t find your ass this useful. 

. Liam stumbled I to the hall, finding wren envelope in Rachel’s arms . “”You remind me of Ava, she stopped speaking to me when I chose a pharm party over her 13th birthday celebration. “ Rachel said through tears as wren clung to her , not speaking. As Jack loitered by  the snack table , his wife’s voice came crackling down the line as he promised he’d never turned on the stove , much less left it on. As Liam dragged a seat between his legs and collapsed , Chris approached Connor who , on the brink of breakdown , only eyed the distant snacks with a forlorn look of “I can’t be fucked” etched into his features.  

We all know it well, kid. 

 “Son , you need to eat. I know your body rejects it but, after what you did for wren tonight you’d be damned near suicidal yourself if you neglected basic needs. “ 

another night in paradise .