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Assistant: Title: heart(no)broken
        Author: rebgumi rebgumi 
        Chapter: 1/1 
        Summary: The first time Osamu falls in love, it's with his best friend. The problem? He's started dating his twin.
  "...but if love hurts, I don't want it. If to love you have to suffer, I prefer not to."
(English is not my first language, please forgive any mistakes)
        Contents: Summary:
            
              The first time Osamu falls in love, it's with his best friend. The problem? He's started dating his twin.
  "...but if love hurts, I don't want it. If to love you have to suffer, I prefer not to."
(English is not my first language, please forgive any mistakes)
            
        

        
  Notes:






    (See the end of the work for notes.)



  





    
        
          “Samu, I'm dating Suna.”When I hear Atsumu's words, it takes me a while to process them, I even think I'm already asleep. But in that case, I wouldn't feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces all at once.I clench my jaw tightly and cling to the sheets, trying to minimize the pain, even stop breathing, all to pretend I'm still asleep, to try to trick my brain into telling it that what he just said isn't true.But it is.When I hear Atsumu move in his bed, I force myself to look nonchalant, wishing the darkness would help me to do so. Atsumu peeks over the edge of the bunk and looks directly at me. We are illuminated only by the light coming in from the window, that street lamp that always illuminates our room that we clung to when we were younger so we wouldn't be in complete darkness. That dim yellowish light allows me to see his bright honey eyes, waiting for a reaction from me. Perhaps if we weren't completely identical, I wouldn't have noticed the emotion that permeates his face at the confession he just made.I wish I could say the same.“You're not going to say anything?” I have to force myself to swallow hard, I even fake a yawn as if I'd woken up by talking. He knows I wasn't sleeping; I wouldn't have spoken otherwise.“Well... I'm just surprised.” I don't even know how I was able to say that because the knot in my chest is so big it threatens to choke me. “Since when?”F@ck, I don't want to know. I don't want to hear anything, but at the same time I need it.Atsumu finishes climbing into the bunk and pushes me out of the way, ignoring the grunt I throw at him.“I don't know, a few weeks. I didn't want to tell you until it was official.”“Official...” I whisper hopelessly, feeling a thousand knives pierce my heart.I turn my face to look at Atsumu, he has a stupid grin on his face as he looks at the stars we glued on the ceiling when we were five. They used to glow in the dark, now they've lost all their brightness, but they're still distinguishable.“I want to invite him over for dinner one day, to introduce him to mom,” he muses and I have to close my eyes as I hear the excitement in his voice.“They already know each other.”“But not as my boyfriend, you idiot.”Boyfriend... I'm thankful Atsumu is too lost in thought not to see how hard I'm clenching my fists. I feel the nails digging into my skin and yet it's not enough pain to ignore the pain in my heart.Boyfriend...Suna...How did this happen? Why didn't I notice this before? Why didn't I let this happen? I am an imbecile.I feel tears starting to threaten to form, so I clench my jaw and try to breathe normally. The last thing I want right now is for Atsumu to notice anything. He's trusting me to tell me this, and even though I feel like it's tearing me up inside, he's the most important thing right now. I look at him again; he looks happy. Many people say we are like the sun and the moon despite being twins, I have never seen it that way, it is true that we are not the same in personality but we are not opposites. Right now, his happiness and my pain collide sharply.“Is that okay with you?” he says turning his face suddenly to look at me.“What?” my voice comes out too alarmed and I over jump at it. “Why do you ask?”“Well, you're my brother and Suna's your friend, I really care about your opinion.”I sigh to try to stop shaking.I've been in love with Suna since we met, two years before I entered high school, that is, for four years now. At first, I obviously didn't know that this was what was happening to me, I discovered it not long ago in fact. Being able to put a name to what my heart does when it sees him, when it smiles, when I spend time with him, it was a relief. Despite not being reciprocated with it, it was enough for me to know that we were still friends. I have thought many times about proposing, telling him how I feel, but the fear of losing him has never left me. Do I regret not having done it? Yes, probably. But maybe that's the way it had to be. It's better this than being rejected by him because he really likes my twin brother.F@ck, this is torture.“Samu?” Atsumu brings me back and I have to throat clear to keep talking.“Ah, yes, yes, it’s ok.” I sketch a forced smile that seems to reassure him when he gives it back to me. “Suna's great. Besides, he's one of the few people who can stand you.”He nudges me even though he lets out a little chuckle. I wish I could join him, but I can't. Atsumu is a complicated person, he's never gotten along very well with people because he's too intense, but he's my favorite person, though I'd never tell him that. Since we are in Inarizaki, he has found a place where he is not treated badly, where he is valued and loved. I wish I could be sharing this moment with him in another way, I wish it could have been about someone else.I wish I had never fallen in love with Suna.“Tsumu are you…” I don't know if I want to know the answer, that's why it's hard for me to ask the question. “Are you in love?”I watch his reaction intently; he frowns, analyzing my question trying to find the answer. I agonize as I wait.“I'm not sure,” he finally says and, while it's not the worst answer, I don't know how to feel about it. “But I like him so much and he makes me feel good. I guess that's enough, huh?”He looks at me as if I can answer that question. I shrug my shoulders because yes, I guess that's enough for them. Not everyone falls in love all at once, there are couples who do it progressively.“D@mn, I wanted to tell you so badly, Samu.” That just makes me feel even worse.“Next time do it before I fall asleep, scrub.” I kick him and push him off my bed, trying to behave like I always do, even though right now I just want to curl into a ball and sob.“Shut up, you idiot,” he growls as he climbs off the bed. “I'm not telling you any more.”When Atsumu disappears, I cover my face with the pillow. I want to sob, to cry, to scream with rage; but I can't do any of that. I have no choice but to bear the pain in silence, to eat my feelings as I have always done.And worst of all, I would like to feel hate, to hate them both for the pain I'm feeling, but I can't. I could never hate my brother for something like that. I could never hate my brother for something like this. If anyone deserves love and to be loved, it's him.Suddenly I feel disgusting, I'm not being the good brother I always say I am. He has trusted me to tell me something important and I'm just wallowing in my pain.“Tsumu,” I mutter after uncovering myself with the pillow.“Huh?”“I'm so happy for you. Thanks for telling me about it.”The silence in the room is broken only by the faint sound of the wind through the window.“Go to sleep already, you scrub.”I can feel how hard it is for him to speak, I know he has tears in his eyes right now and a grin. I smile too, although I feel a tear slipping down my cheek, even though I have tried to hold it back.Unlike me, Atsumu falls asleep instantly. I need to get out of this room or I will suffocate.I get out of the bunk slowly, even though I know nothing will wake my brother, and lock myself in the bathroom. I don't turn on the light, I just let out the sob that chokes me, sitting on the floor hugging my knees.“Osamu, are you okay?” I run my arm over my face, to wipe away the tears.“How do you know it's me?” I whisper without opening the door.“Sweetie, I'm your mother, if there's one thing I'm able to recognize, it's the way you cry.”When I open the door my mother greets me with a smile.“I wasn't crying.”“Oh, sure. Sorry…I'm going to have a cup of milk, do you want to join me?” I frown, because I'm no fool, I know his invitation is just to make me feel better. That's why I nod and walk out of the bathroom.It wasn't in my plans for my mother to listen to me, but in a way I'm reassured that she did. I sit on a stool in the kitchen while she pours two cups of milk. I smile as she also puts two cookies on a plate.“Are you going to tell me why you weren't crying?”“Mom...”“Okay, okay. I don't insist.”Another difference I have with Atsumu is that I’m more quiet with my feelings; he doesn't mind crying, laughing, shouting in front of anyone. He is not afraid of what he feels. Maybe that's why I feel so much pain now. A silent pain caused by what I have kept silent about.I look up at my mother, she's not looking at me, she's focused on her cup of milk, as if it's the most interesting thing in the world.“I like someone,” I say with a sigh. I don't look at her, but I feel her trying not to look too intrigued. She, like Atsumu, can't contain her expressions.“That's very good, sweetie, I understand it can be confusing but...”“It's not that.” I quickly interrupt her, I don't want to have that talk right now. I don't know if I should be the one to talk about Atsumu and Suna's relationship, but if I want to let this pressure out, maybe I have to. “You have to promise me that you won't say anything to Tsumu.” She frowns so offended that I'm afraid I'm scolding myself.“Oh, no, I'll go tell your brother right now.” Sarcasm is in the genes Miya it seems.“I say that because it also has to do with him.” That catches her attention.“Did you two have a fight?” I quickly deny and pop a piece of cookie into my mouth. Even though Atsumu and I fight all the time, I know his question refers to whether we've actually argued. It has never happened, nor will it ever happen.She doesn't push me, but I know she's starting to get impatient. Lack of patience is also in the genes Miya.“It's just that...well...” I pluck up my courage and decide to tell it like it is. “Who I like is...Tsumu's boyfriend.”“Your brother has a boyfriend?!!”“Mom, keep your voice down” I hold a hand to my face, this conversation is not going to be easy.“Okay, okay, wait. Let's go in parts. How come Atsumu has a boyfriend?”“I don't have to tell you myself, so I'm not going to go into details.” She pouts and I roll my eyes.“Okay.” She catches her breath as if she's the one who has to sort out her thoughts. “From the look on your face I'm going to assume I'm the first to know that.” I nod playing with the cookie crumbs on the counter, absentmindedly clumping them together as if the topic of conversation isn't overly painful. “Sweetie, talk to me, tell me how you feel.”I just look up, as soon as I meet her eyes, more like Atsumu's than mine, I can't help but sob. She moves so fast that by the time I realize it, she's already hugging me.“Easy, my love. I know it hurts, let it out.” And I do what she tells me just because I've never done it before. I cry, in rage and in pain, just for doing it, because I know that with her I can, that nothing bad is going to happen to me right now, giving me the luxury of going back in time and feeling a child again.“Better?” she asks when I break away, gently wiping the tears from my cheeks. I just nod, because yes, I do feel a little better. “Don't be mad at your brother.”“I'm not mad at him.” Her look shows confusion. “I would never be mad at him for something like that. I'm mad at me.” She moves a stool to sit next to me. “I regret not confessing or telling Tsumu sooner. It wouldn't hurt so much now.”“Regret hurts even more,” she whispers rearranging the strands of my gray hair. “But, sweetie, you're sixteen. It's not like this pain is forever.”“I know,” I say with a pout. “But that doesn't make it not hurt.”“Right, and I don't want to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way, don't get me wrong. On the contrary, indeed.” I frown because I don't understand what she means. She lets out a small laugh. “I mean this pain, this thing you feel here,” she taps my heart a couple of times with her finger. “It shows you how much you can love. You just have to let yourself do it.”I don't know if I understand exactly what she means, but I nod anyway. Maybe I'm blinded by the knot that tightens my chest, but if love hurts, I don't want it. If to love you have to suffer, I prefer not to.I don't say any of that, because I know what my mother would tell me; she is of the mind that loving is the best thing that can happen, even if it is fleeting, even if it is unrequited. I know this because of how she still loves our father even though he left us so long ago. I would like to be like that, but I can't.Let alone right now, when I'm miserable for falling in love with someone who doesn't love me back.“But I understand your pain, Osamu.” I snap out of my thoughts and turn my attention back to her. “Especially because if that person is dating Ats—” I nod too effusively for her not to finish the sentence. I don't want to hear what follows next. “It's Suna right?”I open and close my mouth a couple of times, trying to find something to say, but nothing helps, so I give up and nod.“How do you know?”“Well, despite the fact that you're a kid who has so many friends, who is always nice and pleasant, with him it's just you.”I clench my jaw when I feel the sob and simply sigh so as not to choke. That's how I feel. Atsumu has never been afraid of being hated or disliked, I have always tried to be nice to everyone. I've always had a lot of friends and at school I was well liked. When we got to high school, Atsumu also became popular, but his exaggerated personality was still there. I didn't change either, I was still the nice and kind twin of the two of us. Not that I'm not, but I did slightly force that personality for fear of being hated. Instead, when I met Suna and his personality nonchalant, I felt free by his side. He didn't care if I was quiet, if I didn't smile, if I made an annoyed face at whatever someone said or if I sometimes needed silence and to get away from people. He didn't care about any of that. In fact, if I didn't like someone, he'd slowly approach me, sneak away with his phone and whisper a “I can't stand him either,” drawing a smile from me.Perhaps I have never felt as understood by anyone as I have felt with Suna.“I know you're not capable now, but don't lose his friendship.”I look at my mother who has gotten up to pick up the cups. Her words pierce me because I hadn't thought about what it would be like to face what comes next. What if I see them holding hands? Or kissing? What if Atsumu really wants to bring him home and introduce her as his boyfriend? I don't want to see that.What if Suna comes to tell me about it like my brother did? What face am I going to make while he tells me how in love he is with Atsumu? We've never talked about these things before, we did say if we thought someone was pretty, but I've always consciously avoided this matter.I get up from the stool and approach my mother, my height allowing me to give her a kiss on the top of her head, like she always did when we were kids. Now she can't do it because we are both too tall.“Good night, Mom.”“Good night, sweetheart. I love you.”I really don't want to think about tomorrow. Maybe I'm a coward, but I wish I didn't have to.I guess this will all pass, but right now I want to rip my heart out and never use it again.  “Are you okay?” I don't turn to look at Kita. The voice comes softly, without judgment, but I shrink anyway.I stay with my head resting against the mats in the gym equipment room, as if they were holding me up. As if letting go would mean falling.“Just tired.” I muse with a shrug.He does not answer. The silence lengthens. When I raise my head slightly and look over my shoulder, he is still there. Leaning against the door frame, his Inarizaki jacket over his shoulders and his arms crossed over his chest. He's expressionless, but he doesn't need to be. The way he stands there, so straight, so calm, is stronger than any lecture.“Go home.” He sighs barely, without raising his voice. As if he really cares, as if it's so simple.I just take a deep breath. I awkwardly sit up and begin to reposition the mats, seeking refuge in the small tasks. I grab one of the mops I had come to use before I wanted to disappear completely.As soon as they entered the gym, Atsumu and Suna were sitting in a corner, talking in whispers. Too close.That kind of closeness... it was mine. Or at least, it once was.Suna and I would always end up like that, laughing quietly, leaning on each other like there was no one else. And now... seeing him share that with someone else, with my twin... it tears me apart in ways I can't name. The mere memory nearly knocked me down, so I crossed the track straight into the warehouse without looking back.I needed air. Space.Something.“I've already missed two practices,” I look him in the eye, he's a little shorter but his captain's pose is intimidating. “Plus, if I don't get tired I won't sleep.”“You were saying you were tired.”“But not physically.” I walk past him, forcing myself to walk normally. To pretend that everything is fine. That nothing hurts. That I'm not falling apart.When the team arrives, everything is easier. I'll be able to concentrate on volleyball, on the routines, on the moves, and even though I'm not like Atsumu, I don't have his level of obsession, I know I'll be able to distract myself enough to be able to forget about everything for a while.At least if Suna doesn't come close.“Hey, do you want to come home to study later?”“I can't” My voice comes out fast, almost automatic. I'm mopping the track with more force than necessary.“Okay and tomorrow? Or see a movie, I don't know, Atsumu says—”“No, thank you,” I interrupt him before he continues speaking. He's blocking my way, so I'm forced to look at him. His eyes scan me with that calmness that cuts through more than any reproach. It's the first time I've done that all week and I know the way I'm dodging it is becoming more and more apparent to him. “I mean, I have to help my mom with some things.” I try to smile, but it's more of a grimace. “Also, better that I'm busy than Tsumu, no?”The phrase comes out by itself.And as soon as I say it, I regret it. I walk past him quickly, not wanting to see his reaction. I don't even want to imagine the look on his face.The rest of the training I strive to be someone else. I smile, laugh, joke with others, give cheers, high-five, and become that ideal version of myself that no one can question.But inside, everything hurts.I feel Kita's gaze on me from across the track. Constant. Restless. But I also feel Suna's. And that one is heavier.I just want the day to be over, go home, get under the covers, and not think anymore. My mother says it will pass, that it's normal that it still hurts. But it's not true. Every day it hurts more. Now it not only hurts me not to have Suna. It hurts me to see him with Atsumu, it hurts me to see their gestures, their looks, the complicity that grows between them; it tears my heart.“Hey, Tsumu, are we going home now or what?” He hasn't changed his clothes yet. He always stays last doing serves and I have to wait for him.“Oh no, you go, I'm meeting Suna.”And this is the fourth day I've been home alone.“Sure, see you.”I grab my backpack and stride out of the locker room, I do it so fast that I don't have time for anyone to cross my path.It's rare to walk after school without Atsumu, I've never done it, I always wait for him if he stays for training or waits for me if I have to do something in class. If we have a date afterwards, it doesn't matter, we walk home together and then go from there. It's true that we always go everywhere together, I guess separating us isn't a bad thing either.The bad thing is the reason why we do it. The deep silence that I feel is settling between us. The silence that I am provoking.I know I'm being just as cold and distant with him as I am with Suna, but it's harder because we live together and he's literally my other half.And the worst thing is that I don't hate them, I just get filled with sadness every time I look at them. That makes me even more miserable because why can't I be happy for them? Why can't I be happy that my brother has found someone he is happy with? Someone who I know is a good person, who will take care of him?I try not to be noticed, I try to hide when I am with them because I don't want them to know what is happening to me. The last thing I want is for Suna to find out how I feel, much less Atsumu. God, that would destroy me, it would destroy him. He can't find out.That's why I hide what I feel. Maybe this is a kind of karma punishment. I have always kept my feelings to myself and now I am forced to do so in order not to hurt others.I take advantage of the cold weather to shrink in my coat, sinking half of my face to let the tears come out.I hate walking home alone, but doing so allows me to let the pain out for a while.  Am I being a total @ssh@l@? Probably. But I'm just thinking about disappearing right now. I can't stand it. I don't know if it's because I now know about Suna and Atsumu or because maybe they don't dissemble anymore, but it's unbearable. The looks, the laughter, how they get close... they used to be like that?... How did I not notice?I've only known about it for a couple of weeks and I can't take it anymore. I was hoping that it would become more and more bearable, but it's the opposite.This morning before going to class I saw them kissing. They were behind a corner, Suna's hands were clinging to my brother's yellow hair while he was pushing him against the wall. I don't know if he got to see me, but I think our eyes met for a second.That's why I've been dodging him more than usual all day. I know I'm being more and more obvious and that I'm going to have to face him at some point. At this time of year, I know I can use exams or something like that as an excuse. I keep thinking that there are a few months left in the school year and maybe the vacations will take my mind off all this sh@t.Overcome it.F@ck, I'm not asking for that much, I just want to go back to the way things were.Part of me is furious, though, because it doesn't seem to bother him that I haven't spoken to him in two weeks, barely looking him in the face. It doesn't matter if I ignore him or dodge him, he just acts like it's nothing. Well, I guess he's too busy sticking his tongue down Atsumu's throat.I rub my face angrily, trying to erase that image from my mind. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to feel this burning in my chest, why can't he give me absolutely the same as he does? I wish I could hate him because at least I could hold on to that, but I can only hate myself, for being a horrible friend and a worse brother.“What the f@ck is wrong with you?” The voice startles me so much that I gasp.I was hiding in some bushes, sitting next to a tree, eating my lunch. I thought this secluded corner behind the gym would keep me away from everyone, but it seems I hadn't been hiding long enough because Suna had found me. His figure is cut against the sunlight, thin, stiff, almost trembling with tension. His face is shadowed by the backlight, but I don't need to get a good look at him to know he's furious. You can see it in his posture, in the way he clenches his fists on either side of his body.“What do you say?” I mumble indifferently. I'm thankful I finished my meal because I feel my stomach slam shut.Suna snorts like a bull and comes closer, dropping down to sit in front of me. Now I can see him; his green eyes, lined with that eyeliner he doesn't need but insists on using, pierce me like knives while glowing. I don't know if from anger or something else.“You're avoiding me.”“I don't do that.” My voice sounds hollow, weak even to my own ears. As if even I don't believe my words.“Do you think I'm dumb?” I've never seen him like this before. Usually Suna is calm, almost unbearably serene. Even in the most difficult matches he doesn't get upset. But now... now I feel like if he had something in his hand, he'd throw it in my face without thinking.“You're my best friend, obviously I know there's something wrong with you.”“I'm your best friend?” I don't know why I say that. I don't know why my voice sounds so broken, so fragile.But as soon as I say it, I regret it. I notice it in the way his jaw tightens, in the way his gaze changes, as if I've unintentionally jabbed him with a thorn.“What the f@ck Osamu, did you hit your head?!” His tone is not one of mockery. It's one of unbelief. It's as if he doesn't understand what version of me he has in front of him. “Of course you're my best friend.”I try to swallow, but it's hard.“Well, it's just that you've never referred to my best friend before,” I make the quote mark gesture with my fingers. He presses his lips tightly, as if that sentence was a low blow. Like he's holding back the urge to say something stronger to me. “I don't f@ck@ng know, don't look at me like that.”“Is that you being an @ssh@l@ how do you want me to look at you?” his voice rises in pitch. He doesn't yell, but it hurts more than if he did.“Leave me alone.”I feel cornered. I can't breathe. I don't want to talk.I get up to gather my things, but Suna stands in my way, I try to walk past him but he blocks me, pushing me with his arm against my chest.“No way. You're going to tell me what's happen with you, now.”“Nothing. I just told you.”I fold my arms, more out of defense than bravery, although I feel my legs trembling.“You haven't spoken to me for days, you've been ducking out of practice, you don't answer my texts, and you're going to tell me nothing's wrong?”“I don't feel like f@ck@ng talking.”“It's because I'm dating Atsumu right?”There it is. He drops it like a stone.And I freeze.The air thickens. My fingers tremble and I have to put my hands in my pockets so I don't notice.I really didn't expect him to say something like that, or at least not in that way.“I don't care, do whatever you want.” I try to sound nonchalant, I take a step, but Suna pushes me again. I shoot him a warning look, he's starting to p@ss me off.“You lie.” And with that second push, I explode.“What do you want me to say, that I do?! That I hate that you're dating Atsumu?” I slap his arm that was still over my shoulder. Hundreds of emotions well up inside me, choking me and clouding my mind; I just want to run away.Suna looks at me, blinking rapidly with bated breath, unable to understand anything.“Really? I didn't expect you to be such a jerk,” he finally says and although the words come out loaded with anger, his eyes fill with tears.Me, right now, I can't control myself anymore, I don't want to keep talking or I'll say things I'll regret. I never wanted it to f@ck@ng come to this.“I am, I'm surprised you noticed now.” I get my legs to respond and walk past him, running away like the coward I am.“Why?!” His shout stops me in my tracks. “I'm not good enough for him?” Despite the rage, those last words he says in a stutter. I don't turn to look at him because I'm not capable. “You're jealous aren't you?” Suna has an amazing skill for hitting the wrong buttons. In matches, it's fun to watch, witnessing how he gets on our opponents' nerves with some sharp words. But when you're the target of his attacks, it just hurts. “If you weren't so—”“So what?” And to everyone's misfortune, I've never taken well to being pushed to the limit. I have too little patience. When I turn, I turn so fast that he has to take a few steps back. “You don't have a f@ck@ng idea, so shut the f@ck up.”“Then tell me!” his plea pierces my heart. “Atsumu said you were fine with it, but you look at me with hatred. You look at me with disgust all of a sudden.” His lower lip trembles as much as my hands do. He has lowered his tone of voice, now he simply pleads sadly. I don't want this, I don't want to see his pain, but I don't want mine either. “What have I done to you, Samu? I need to know, please.”“I really like you. A lot, you can't imagine how much.”I’m so surprised by the calmness with which I say those words. Suna is also surprised, stops breathing, opens his eyes wide and freezes. Tired, I drop my head until my chin touches my chest. I screwed up. I should have shut up, I should have run away. My best option was to make Suna hate me, to do anything to end the argument, but to say this... f@ck.I look up, because he is still not moving. At this point, it makes no sense to remain silent.“So if you think I'm jealous,” I continue to speak. “You're right. But because Atsumu has done what I've been wanting to do for years.”“Don't do this to me now.” He whispers in desperation, as if he is choking.“Really?” Suna and I jumped at the same time, stifling a scream at the sound of Atsumu's voice. We turned quickly to see him just a few feet away, staring at us. Great, yeah it could get worse, how much did he hear, “Are you serious, Samu?”Okay, too much.I try to interpret his gaze, but I can't get a good look at him. I don't know if I want to either. He's my half, I could read his mind just through his gaze.“I... Tsumu... I'm sorry.” That's all I manage to say. I'm so tired that I'm afraid my legs will fail me at any moment.“Suna... you guys...?” I take a step back, backing away as Atsumu's gaze focuses on... his boyfriend.“No! Atsumu, no. It's not what you think. I like you.”I feel the bitter taste of blood as I bite the inside of my cheek. Unfortunately the pain I don't feel as the pain in my heart is still stronger. Every word from Suna has felt like a stab.“I don't want anything to do with you two.”When Atsumu leaves, Suna runs after him. I don't know if he even looked at me, because I only have my eyes fixed on my shoes. Tears blur my vision and when I try to walk, my legs fail me and I fall to the ground on my knees.There, hiding in the bushes, I cover my face with my hands and allow myself to cry as I never do. Of rage, of pain, of regret. Because it is not only my pain, in the end I have managed to hurt the people I love the most and that hurts even more.I hope they hate me. I deserve it.I allow myself to break until the bell rings to go back to class. I pick myself up off the floor, shake myself off and put on a mask of indifference, as if having my heart broken and hurting my brother and best friend is nothing.Luckily I don't cross paths with them on the way, unfortunately I share a class with Suna. He sits at the table next to me, but I don't look at him for a single moment and I know from how well I know him that he won't look at me either.I would like to say that I manage to pay attention to the remaining two hours of class but I don't. I keep beating myself up about what just happened. Replaying the conversation in my mind over and over again, to punish myself even more.When the class ends I run out. Sharing class with Suna has been nothing like knowing that at home, I will have to meet Atsumu and that I really can't dodge, I can't not look him in the face. Although I hope he doesn't, I hope he hates me so much that he doesn't even want to share space with me. Even though it will be impossible for him.I have run home, today we didn't have training and I am thankful for that because I couldn't do it. When I arrive I greet my mother like a normal day and lock myself in the room. Our room. D@mn it, I won't be able to hide.Half an hour later I hear him arrive. I stay in my bunk, pretending to read a manga. I have my back to the door, so from my bunk I can't see him when he comes in. He doesn't say anything, I just hear him put his things away, change his clothes and come out again. I hold back the urge to cry again, because there is nothing more painful than Atsumu's indifference. I stay where I am and because I feel so tired I fall asleep without realizing it.I barely sleep for an hour and when I wake up I feel even worse. I get out of bed and leave the room at the same time Atsumu comes in, so we bump into each other stupidly.“Sorry.” I mumble turning away, not looking him in the eye.“I was coming to wake you up.” Now I do look at him. No hate, no anger, maybe sadness. “Want to make some passes?”He holds up the volleyball I haven't seen so far and waits for my answer. It takes me too long to process his question despite the simplicity, but I nod. We walk out into the garden without talking and simply start passing the ball to each other as we have done for so many years. It's too natural, too familiar, so much so that we barely have to think to do it. I hold back the sob, because this is Atsumu's love language: volleyball.It is his way of expressing himself, all his love is put in this ball, in every hit he makes, in the look he gives me every time he waits for me to return it.There is no hate, only love.“Guys, dinner is ready.”We both slow down when our mother shouts to us from the kitchen. We exchange a glance and walk at the same time.“Samu, you're my best friend, you know that?” he says slowing down before entering the house. Now I do see his sadness, I don't know what it comes to, I don't know if it's pity for me or that I really hurt him so much.“I guess, because I'm your brother.” I try to sound firm although I don't know if I succeed.“No.” He turns his face to look at me, a slight smile appears on his face; it's only in small gesture, his lips curved slightly. “Even if you weren't I'd want you to be my best friend too.” As the sob escapes me it hits my chest hard, hurting me quite badly so the sob turns into a whimper. “But if you skip practices again with b@llsh@t excuses, I'm going to kick that ass of yours, scrub.”I not able to say anything else, so I just nod firmly.I know we won't talk about what happened today, maybe we never will or it will be many years from now, but at least it's clear to me that he doesn't hate me.I wish I could say the same for Suna, but maybe he does.They say that the pain of a broken heart cannot be explained, but no one talks about the pain of regret. Because yes, my heart hurts for not being reciprocated, for the person I am in love with being with my twin. But it is nothing compared to how much I regret falling in love, that I failed to curb my feelings or never acted on it and declare myself as I should have. Because yes, I would have been rejected, but maybe I could have kept my best friend.Right now, I'm out of it and who knows if I'll ever get it back.I also don't know if I will ever get my heart to stop being broken, right now I feel unable to put it back together.  Today is a quiet day at Onigiri Miya, so I'm here alone. A few months ago I hired an worker because the store is starting to take off and I couldn't handle everything by myself. Pretty good thing although I admit it took me a while to take the step of hiring someone. There are only four hours left until closing so I've made my employee go to rest.There are only a couple at a table, so I take the opportunity to clean the bar. The bell rings and I turn to greet someone.“Good afternoon!”Kita's brown eyes greet me, as does his slight smile.“Hi.” I rush over and hug him. We hadn't seen each other for most of the year.“What are you doing here?” I've been too effusive in the hug, so much so that I've lifted him off the ground. The years and working on a rice farm have made him build muscle, but I'm still taller than him so it's not hard for me.“You're choking me” he whispers. I quickly let go and apologize, but he responds with his soft laugh.I knew he would be in city, but not that he would come to see me. Kita lives far away on his small farm, but he never misses his former teammates' last game of the season.“I thought you were going to watch the game?”“I thought you needed me more.” I nod with a smile because I don't know what to say.He was my captain for only two years, but that time he became a very important figure. Like today, he was always able to see what we all needed, always willing to look out for us. That's why we never lost touch and even though we see each other very little, he's still one of my best friends.So I appreciate your visit, especially since I know how much it means to miss this game. Not only is it the last game of the season, MSBY and EJP are also playing, which means that Suna and Atsumu will face each other and whoever wins will win the league.“I was actually in the stadium, but I've changed my mind.” He says as he sits at the bar and I pour him something to drink. I don't need to ask him because I know what his favorite is.“If Atsumu has seen you and then sees that you are gone, he will become unbearable. Do you want something to eat?”“No thanks. There's Aran there, he'll cover for me.” We laughed. “You still don't watch his games?”I take advantage of the fact that my back is turned for a moment to catch my breath. Kita's frankness has always been overwhelming, so his question makes me dizzy for a second.“A rice brand came by the other day to try to get me to use theirs.” The change of conversation is so obvious that it doesn't work. “I don't have time to watch every game.”“Osamu, you can lie to yourself if you want, but not to me.” He turns and looks around to see by the walls the obvious references to volleyball all over the place. “I know you watch all of Atsumu's, Aran's, I even know you're a fan of The Adlers.”Although his tone is calm I feel like he is scolding me.“Okay, no, I don't watch his games.” He lets out a little giggle that surprises me.“You made your relationship everyone's problem.”I feel so ashamed, because it's completely true. Suna and I spent a year and a half playing on the same team without speaking to each other. At least only as much as necessary. On the court we obviously had to communicate but outside, nothing, as if we didn't exist for each other. Over the years I have become aware of how difficult we made it for everyone. We pretended that everything was fine, there was no bad atmosphere or arguments except that we went from being inseparable to not looking at each other. And that Kita only lived through it for a few months, he tried to deal with it, to calm things down but Suna and I were closed to everything. The following year, Atsumu was the captain and since he knew well what was going on, he simply left us alone, since he knew we would not argue.“I quite regret it, it needn't have affected the team.” He stares at me. I'm thankful that a customer comes in to take care of, because it gives me a break.“You regret that and  not stopping talking to him?” He blurts out as I turn back to him.“I wasn't the only one who did it.” I defend myself. It's not a conversation I expected to have today so suddenly I feel like I'm choking. I take off my cap and run my hand through my hair as if that might do something.“But I'm chatting with you.”No matter how much time passes, his captain's voice continues to have an effect. I look at the clock instinctively, the match will have started by now, surely the first set is ending.“I lost my best friend and my relationship with my brother suffered for a while. Of course, I would have liked it to have been different.”I wish I could say that what happened in high school didn't affect us, but it did. Very much. It changed everything and nothing was the same even though ten years have passed.With Atsumu it was complicated, but we lived under the same roof, slept in the same room, so it was only a matter of time. We never talked about it. The only reference was when he broke up with Suna. “We're not together anymore,” he said one day coming back from class. “Ah, okay. Are you fine?” “Yes.” That was it, not a single other reference.With Suna it was painful. Maybe we were both too proud to do anything, to just talk, so we ignored each other. It hurt because I had to deal not only with my feelings, but also with my thoughts. It was inevitable to feel that maybe he didn't care that much about me, that maybe he was more important to me than I was to him. Why didn't he talk to me? Why even when they broke up he didn't say anything to me? But I couldn't judge him, I didn't either. And time only cooled everything down, not to calm it down, but to turn it into a glacier that was impossible to walk on. Walls of ice grew between us that will never be broken because none of us dare to even come close.“I'm sorry if I'm being too harsh, but I just don't understand.” I nod, crossing my arms and leaning against the counter behind me, moving away a little, because I know what he's going to say is going to be worse. “But why haven't you ever tried to talk to him?”I know he won't give up until I say something, so I sigh.“Because I'm a coward, Kita. I'm still afraid he'll reject me again.” He nods slowly and stares at his drink.Suna never actually rejected me, because I didn't give him a chance to digest my declaration. I told him I liked him, but not that I was in love with him. So just as I couldn't say what I really felt at the time, I haven't been able to fix what I messed up.“So, what were you saying about that rice?” Kita says suddenly. I smile, grateful for the change of subject. “Who's trying to steal my best customer?”  Kita left before the end of the match, he had to go back to the stadium since he had come with Aran, and he also had to say hello to Atsumu or he would be very mad. I really appreciate his visit, it would have been a sh@tty night if it wasn't for him.Although talking about the past has opened worse cracks.I change the closed sign while I finish packing up. I feel exhausted even though it's been a quiet day, I just want to go home and rest.The door bell rings and I don't hide the snort I let out.“Excuse me, we're about to close.” I don't turn around because I'm carrying a heavy box.“For me too?”It's been many years since I've heard that voice and yet, even though it sounds deeper and more adult, I recognize it instantly. I turn so fast that I almost drop the box in my arms. Suna is there, standing in the doorway, looking at me, his hand still on the door, waiting permission to enter.The last time we saw each other was at graduation, he's so changed that I'm reeling for a second, because even though he's so different it's still him. I've gone out of my way not to come across an image of him, so the impact is incredible. No social media, no interviews, nothing. I never wanted to see anything because seeing him would make everything shake around me.As is happening right now.“Hey,” he whispers stuttering. I can't react, I feel like it's a mirage. I haven't seen him for ten years and now he's here. “May I come in?”“Uh, yeah, yes, sure.” That question jolts me out of my reverie. I set the box down and quickly walk over to lock the door behind him.I'm closer now and I don't know if it was a mistake. While he looks around, his hands in the pockets of his EJP jacket, seeing for the first time what my whole life is, I look at him. His hair is shorter, more disheveled and wet, probably from the shower after the game. His features have rounded but are still sharp, his eyes are no longer knives but still capable of drilling me, always so green, always so beautiful.When they come back to me, I let him watch me. I have never been able to unravel his mind, his eyes have always said everything and nothing at the same time. So I've always had to ask.“What are you doing here?” I try not to sound rude, but I know I haven't succeeded by the way he looks down.“I played with your brother, remember?” That doesn't answer my question but I don't say it.“Who won?” He raises his eyebrow and smirks.“You haven't seen the match?”Maybe I could have thought better about the question I was asking, because now I don't want to answer that. I could lie, it's easy, “I've had a lot of work”. But I'm so tired. It's been ten years, keeping quiet caused this situation and I don't want it anymore.“I don't watch your matches,” my words hit him and he takes half a step back. “I'm sorry... I... I mean...” I try to fix it but there's no way, it's the truth, even if it hurts.“Do you still hate me?” Now I'm the one who gets hit by Suna's trembling voice, by how he ducks his gaze and turns away.“I never hated you.”He denies, moving further away until he leans against the bar. So many things are going through my mind right now that I can barely hear anything.“I deserve it...” his whisper paralyzes me. I want to say something, but I also want to hear what he has to say. We've waited too long to talk, I guess we both have a lot to say. “I hurt you so much.” When he looks up I see his eyes fill with tears that won't quite come out. “I should have apologized to you a long time ago, Samu. I'm sorry, I was an @ssh@l@.”“No,” I quickly approach, he ducks his face so I hold him by the cheeks with both hands to make him look at me. “I was too. I should have talked to you, I should have explained so many things to you. But I didn't hate you, I don't hate you, d@mn it, Rin, I could never hate you. Please, forgive me.”“Rin...” he suddenly muses with a small smile. I let go of him suddenly, feeling my heart beating too fast. Maybe I've been too intense. But Suna closes the distance between us, his hand lightly brushing mine. He doesn't look at me, but I can't stop staring at him. “We've been so stupid.” His voice is so soft.“Too much so.” He laughs softly so I do the same. As surprising as it may seem, the tension between us has disappeared. I've missed his laughter so much. And even though I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, because having him here is too much, I know I want my best friend back. “But it's never too late. We can be friends again.” I say something again without thinking too much, but at the same time it's what I feel, but I don't care. He's here, I don't care what happened. I don't want him to leave again, I'm not going to let us drift apart again. He looks at me carefully and as always, I don't know what he's thinking. “If you want to, sure.”“I don't want to,” He says it so decisively that I startle and take a step back. But Suna moves quickly and holds me by my shirt so I don't pull away. “I don't want to be your friend, I haven't wanted to be your friend for a long time.”“I don't underst... what?”“God, you're a complete idiot, Osamu Miya.”I can't say anything because he tugs at my shirt and with his other hand pulls my cap off before our lips collide. A gasp escapes my lips, a gasp that lets out everything I've been holding back all these years. Suna's lips are so soft, so warm, that it takes me a second to become aware of what is happening.“Suna...” I mumble as I manage to break away.“Keep calling me Rin, please.” The plea makes me melt completely, my skin crawls and I can't resist kissing him again.The kiss is hurried, eager, hot. Rin clings to my shirt as if struggling not to sink and I pull him tighter against me. I don't want to let go, if I could I would melt into him. Our tongues tangle, our breaths come together and our bodies collide as if drawn together by an external force.We separated just enough to be able to breathe, but we remained with our foreheads pressed together, panting and with our eyes closed.“Atsumu forced me to come.” He says suddenly. I move a little further away so I can look into his eyes, I smile when I see his slightly red cheeks. He's always been so handsome. How was I ever going to get over this man, there's no way I was going to forget about him. “He told me he couldn't stand not being able to criticize me with his twin anymore.”I can't help but laugh. D@mn Atsumu, I don't know what I would do without him. Surely after this he'll blackmail me somehow.“Since he's in love he's unbearable.” I don't want to talk about Atsumu, I don't want to talk at all, so I wrap my arms around Suna's waist and lift him up to sit him on a stool. I'm surprised at how strong I feel him, but of course, he's a professional athlete and although he's still slim, he's also taller than me.“This is all your fault.” He reply as pulls me to stand between his legs, wrapping his arms around me as well. He hangs his arms around my neck trapping me in a prison I would never get out of.“It's always his fault for everything.”I fall against his lip, this time more gently. We are no longer in a hurry, no longer anxious, we both know that neither of us is going anywhere. We have a lot to talk about, a lot to clarify but it's something neither of us want to do right now.Now I just want to forget all the time we have spent apart, make up for lost time. Kiss him until I can't anymore, run my hands all over him, find out how much he has changed, show him how much I have changed. I slip my hands under his jacket and reach his skin. The soft moan he lets out against my lips sends shivers down my spine. My hands travel across his chest as I leave his mouth to kiss his jaw, his neck. He buries his hands in my hair, pulling it gently as he pulls me closer. He lifts his hips just enough to rub against me, and everything is so thick around me that I feel my legs give way.Voices startle us.We turn at the same time to look through the door to see Atsumu and Komori's faces glued to the glass. I'm suddenly thankful it's tinted glass as they can't clearly see what's going on inside. I also see Sakusa behind and... yes, there is the whole MSBY and EJP behind them.“I can pull down the curtain and ignore them.” I suggest without moving away from Rin.“Don't ignore us, we know you're there!” shouts Atsumu. Rin laughs but I curse the f@ck@ng twin connection.“The sooner you open them, the sooner we'll get rid of them.” I don't want to but nod at Rin's proposition. But before I do I kiss him again, ignoring the voices in the street.“We've waited a long time, I guess we can wait a little longer.”“But not too much, I've missed you.”D@mn, I'm still in love with this man.“What if I open them up and you and I leave? I live upstairs.” His eyes light up and for the first time I know exactly what's going through his mind.I don't let him say anything, I pull his hand and force him off the stool. I live up the store, but I don't have the flat connected, so I have to leave to go to my house. I drag him to the door and when I open it I slam the keys into my brother's chest.“If you break anything I will kill you all, but you will be responsible Tsumu.”“But Samu... where are…?” when between them dragging Rin who won't stop laughing I see how Sakusa hits him in the side.I absolutely don't care what they are saying. No, I'm not going to wait another second. I have spent ten years longing for this moment, longing for us to meet again. This all started because I waited, because I didn't act when I should have, because I didn't say what I felt.It will not happen again.“Rin,” I gasp against his lips as we reach my floor and he pulls me in for a kiss. “I want to tell you something,” he makes a little noise as he kisses my neck, slapping me against the door. “Remember when we were sixteen and you dated Atsumu?” he stop and looks at me confused, “Well, I was in love with you.”“Was?” I smile but don't answer, now I'm the one sinking into his neck making him gasp. “That's funny, because I still am from you.” He was the first person I ever fell in love with. And maybe I haven't fallen in love again because I didn't want to, I never wanted to close that wound, because that meant forgetting him. I suppose we could have done many things differently, but maybe we also had to go through it. Maybe our love wasn't meant to happen at that time; it had to wait ten years.But what are ten years when you have a whole life ahead of you?'
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
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