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Assistant: Title: somebody, slow it down
        Author: orphan_account orphan_account 
        Chapter: 1/1 
        Summary: that paris trip with some embellishments because I'm a sucker for jensoo but daylight (maroon 5) kept playing in my head
        Contents: Summary:
            
              that paris trip with some embellishments because I'm a sucker for jensoo but daylight (maroon 5) kept playing in my head
            
        

        
  Notes:






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  If this night is all we have then I'll do all I can to make you feel all my love. 
 
  You know, I never thought we'd get to this point. 
 
  As we stand on this bridge, looking over the river, I remember the time when I thought to myself that you are the woman I'm going to marry. 
 
  And you know what? Even now, on this road leading to the end, on this final night before I lose you, I know in my heart that there's nothing else I'm still going to always be sure about. 
 
  I won't get to keep you, and I won't try to hold on to you but I know, you're it for me. 
 
  Now, I know what you're thinking, it's probably something along the lines of "if you're so sure of that then how did we get here?" and truth be told? I'm not sure either. 
 
  One day, we were good, all loving and clingy and happy then come the next, it felt like you were in so much pain to even be near me. Maybe it was something I did, maybe it's just life, but whatever it is, you and I are here, at the point just before goodbye and my heart is breaking as I commit to memory the way you look right here beside me on this moonlit night, in the same place where I once asked you for forever and we once promised to each other that we'll move forward in life together. Or that's what I tell myself to make me feel better. 
 
  It's been years since we last came here and it's funny to think that this trip was supposed to be a happy one. You told me before that you loved it here, that you love how happy I look whenever I'm here, how free I act, how relaxed I am. I guess I never told you that I'm only all of that because I'm with you, and now I'll never be able to tell you. 
 
  That's too cruel of a weight to let you bear. 
 
  Paris has always been our place, the one space where we could just be who we are, as unapologetic as we could possibly be, even just for a little while. We'd prance around the place as if we were the only people in it, so buoyed by love and filled with peace that we get to pretend, even just for a moment, that this is all that matters. 
 
  And so, maybe that's why we're here again. Maybe that's why even if we have not spoken about it, I think we both know what's to come with daybreak. Another goodbye, this time feeling more absolute. 
 
  I don't know what possessed me to ask you for this time again. We've just started to be allowed to travel again and for some reason, it's as if the fates aligned and allowed us to have these few days together, away from it all, or as away as we could possibly be. A delusion, I know. Seeing as you spend the last few days here with her. But still, one could dream, just for a moment. 
 
  It was your big moment, you finally get the chance to see the Dior show in person, after a couple of years of doing so remotely, and my goodness, I don't think I'll ever tire of telling you just how absolutely exquisite you looked that day. Well, in my head I'm telling you all of that. I requested to fly in a little earlier, just around the tail end of your schedule, so that we could have these wonderfully painful days together and as much as I thought I'd regret these, I know I'd regret not having it more. I remember how you looked when I told you about it, a sad smile gracing your lips as you looked at me with those sad eyes, I could never bear seeing. 
 
  "Just like the old times, right?" you asked me forlornly. 
 
  I nodded my head, a bittersweet smile also painting my lips. "Just like the old times." 
 
  "Paris is ours still?" 
 
  "Always." 
 
  And yet, I saw your posts on social media a couple of days ago. You looked so happy.
 
  With her. 
 
  Eiffel was so bright and shining behind you but all I could see were the shine in your eyes, the sheer joy of seeing your wish come to life right in front of you, the realization of something you’ve longed for for so long actually being within reach. 
 
  You looked so alive, love. You look so loved. 
 
  Do you remember when we talked about going to see the Tower together before? You had this look in your eyes that made me sure that it would be my lifelong dream to take you there. 
 
  Scratch that, that it would be my lifelong dream to see you there. 
 
  And now you’re there, making our dream your own and seeing it come to fruition. 
 
  I sit here writing another letter I know I’ll never send because it’s the only way I’ll ever be able to say words that I could otherwise never express. 
 
  Rather, I sit here writing another letter I might never remember.
 
  And my love, you deserve to be remembered. 
 
  Everything about you deserves to be carved into the deepest recesses of my memory and the biggest parts of my heart. 
 
  And I’ve tried, so much, to hold onto every bit of you, every bit of us I still can. But I’m sorry I didn’t try to hold on to you anymore.
 
  Work was hectic and things were terrible between us when I found out about this illness of mine, it's just beginning but I've seen what it could do, what I could lose, and I don't want to burden you like that. So I pulled away. 
 
  Biggest mistake of my life. 
 
  There's pain in knowing that someday I will forget this all, but there's an even greater pain in losing you without letting you know. I know I owe you an explanation and yet, I can't bear to let you know. 
 
  I'm too much of a coward to actually tell you, never running out of ways and excuses to justify this choice I so selfishly made. 
 
  And so I pushed you away. 
 
  Slowly. 
 
  I tapered off my responses, tried to let go of my clinginess, tried to seem aloof and uncaring but it's so difficult, especially since you know me better than I know myself but I persisted. 
 
  And little by little, you drifted away. 
 
  Then you both got closer and though I saw you trying to fight it, I also saw you eventually falling. You know what they say about the inevitability of the fall. It was painful. Seeing you fall in love and knowing that the only way I know that is because you were like that with me too, once. I could still see you fighting it, but eventually, you stopped. I don't think it was on purpose but maybe you got tired. 
 
  I guess I was right about her, and you. She loves you too, so much. She loves you like the sun rises with your awakening. Like the stars in the sky were plucked and placed by your very own hands. 
 
  How do I know?
 
  Well, that’s because that’s how I feel about you. Always have been, and always will be. Even from miles away.
 
  Even when someone else is loving you now. Even when you love someone else now. 
 
  It's our last night here, and my last night with you and I promised myself to do all I wanted to, to give you all the things and experiences I thought of. 
 
  And for a while, it felt like we were us again. Not in the sense of us having another chance, but I felt you start enjoying them again. Enjoying my company again. 
 
  Needless to say, I knew it was merely your kindness talking. As much as I hoped there's a part of you that loves me that way still, I know that there's little to none. I know that this is just you being the warm-hearted person that you are, allowing me this chance at one final goodbye. 
 
  I don't know if she ever told you, and I know I never will, that I asked her permission for us to have this. I guess I'm lucky she's very nice too.
 
  She nodded her ascent as she looked at me with sadness in her eyes. Dare I even say, she looked apologetic. I couldn't find it in myself to actually tell her it will be fine but I hope the hug I gave her could express all the things my words never could. 
 
  It's been a long day. I fetched you from your hotel and spent the day going around exhibits and walking to some of the best places here. You looked so happy to be watching all those works of art but none of them were comparable to you in my eyes. 
 
  You would drag me along and talk my ear off, radiating such energy that I could not help but be moved by. You kept pointing to various paintings, regaling me with your ideas of what was going on, of what stories you thought they were telling, and I was right there, listening with rapt attention as if your words were the very definition of life itself. I watch your face radiate the joy you must be feeling and fleetingly, I think you forgot too where this was headed because you grabbed me close and leaned your head on my shoulder telling me to stop and listen to the sound of the world, to listen to life all around. 
 
  And so I did.
 
  But all I could hear was my heart beating so fast because you held my hand in yours. 
 
  And as if you knew what I was thinking, you slowly pulled your hand away and let mine go. 
 
  With a laugh, you pushed forward telling me to hurry otherwise I'd be left and I couldn't tell you that if it's you in front of me, I would not mind playing catch up because it allows me to see more of you. 
 
  So I moved faster. 
 
  We walked towards their new version of the lock bridge. I remembered when we placed one long ago, still basking in the beauty of newfound courage, still sure that we will be the choice and commitment made everyday. We wrote there forever but that's not the case anymore. 
 
  Or maybe it is, just changing form. 
 
  I used to think the locks were romantic, a symbol of a promise. But then they removed them, citing the accumulated weight, and now I can't help but think if that was what happened to us, if we made far too many promises and buckled under their weight, if we shackled ourselves into all of these symbols that we forgot to just be and lost what made our love what it was in the process. 
 
  Maybe the weight brought us down. Maybe this love was better in theory, maybe we were better frozen in a snapshot instead of alive. 
 
  But maybe, just maybe, we still shone bright. 
 
  Before the collapse, we stood by something. We fought for something. We were a witness to something. 
 
  And maybe we're losing out in the end, but that does not mean we weren't beautiful for a moment. So full of promise, so full of heart. So excited for possibilities. 
 
  And that's when I realized that maybe it was both. We loved with no abandon, bearing the weight for as long as we could because even though we were straining, we loved unafraid, secure in the knowledge that we will break each other's fall. 
 
  Until we didn't. Until I didnt. 
 
  And yet, staring at this revamped location, missing the remnants of all those promises made once upon a time, one could not help but feel the absence of what was. 
 
  But maybe that's what is and what will be. 
 
  It will be me staring at you from afar, with someone else. No space for my promises to latch on, only room for me to see. 
 
  And as I stand here beside you tonight, I know there's nowhere else I'd rather be. 
 
  But this night is all I'll have left. When daylight comes, you'll fly back. To her. Without me. 
 
  Not in the way I still wish to be. 
 
  And perhaps that's the difference between a hope and a wish. A hope usually expresses a desire that is possible or likely to happen. Meanwhile, a wish usually expresses a desire that is impossible or unlikely to happen. 
 
  There once was a hope, and now it has become a wish and the sunrise I used to long for became the very same I fear. 
 
  I used to fear the dark but now I wish it would last longer because I know now that when the day breaks, I'll have to slip away and let you go. 
 
  It takes me back to when I was contemplating the ephemeral nature of things. In my head I knew things would end, but I didn't expect to lose you like this and there's nothing else left to do but walk you home. 
 
  I wanted to propose we take the scenic route just to spend a little longer with you but I see you yawning, worrying your lower lip a little with your constant biting. You walk a few steps forward as you take a call and I can hear you saying you'll be home soon and that you'll call when you get there.
 
  That's a stark reminder that I'm on borrowed time with you tonight and that I'm running out of that. 
 
  So I jut my chin out and walk a little faster, offering you my arm and telling you that I'll be walking you home now.
 
  And you smiled at me, the same playful smile you wear when you're thankful about something but don't want to say what exactly it is. 
 
  I knew that so I nodded. We never really needed words anyway. 
 
  You grabbed my arm and held it closer as we walked. No conversation was made. I think that was us both trying to remember this (or maybe it's just me and my wishful thinking). I knew I was committing this to memory because I'll never be able to hold you like this again. Not without my heart breaking to pieces each time. 
 
  And no matter how much I wanted to stop time, I couldn't. 
 
  We reached the lobby of your place here, we reached the end of the time I borrowed. 
 
  You held out your arms for a hug and I obliged. I squeezed you as tightly as I could, wishing that my hug could tell you everything I couldn't, trying to will my thoughts to your brain in the hopes that you'll get it, and maybe you did, because you stepped away with glistening eyes as you tried to stop the tears from falling. And still, I feel like I'm seeing perfection in front of me. You were, still are, and will always be grace and love personified to me but I know I can't call you mine anymore. So I let you go. 
 
  As you step away from me with a small wave goodbye, I stand my ground and watch you walk farther and farther away. This is what I have left of you now, the memory of you moving further, eventually getting to places I can't reach. 
 
  I left your hotel just as daylight came. 
 
  We're on our own now.'
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