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Assistant: Title: A Divine (Romantic) Comedy
        Author: Dystopian_God Dystopian_God 
        Chapter: 47/49 
        Summary: Depression is a horrible thing, all consuming and crushing. So when a failed attempt to cheer him up by the Six Sins leads Lucifer Morningstar, lord of the Seven Circles of Hell and Rubber Duck Enthusiast, into a random bar in a random city the last thing he's expecting is to strike up a conversation with someone who understands the pain of lost love.Naturally, things quickly spiral out of hand as Lucifer, now Lucius Magne, tries to date the lovely Camila Noceda while hiding his true nature, completely unaware that Camila is doing the exact same thing with the true nature of her daughters college... and her other daughters species. Add in some troublesome earth-bound imps, Some troublesome Sins trying to 'help' him, and trying to run an entire dimension sized kingdom and you got a romantic comedy for the ages.One could almost call it a Divine Comedy.Now fresh with its own Tropes Page: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/ADivineRomanticComedy
        Contents: Chapter 47: Amity and Vaggie's Big Decisions
    

    

        
          
          
            As Amity plans for tomorrows Zoo Date Proposal, Vaggie gets a surprising ultimatum from Lucifer
          
        

      
        
          Okay, I know it's been a long time coming now and many are impatient... which is why I am excited to announce that yes, they are finally leaving Namek- I mean, getting out of the Belmont Library- I mean, leaving Ba Sing- I mean... finally entering the Zoo Date.Yep, the next chapter it finally happens: Camila and Lucifer finally introduce their families to one another.It only took... yeah.
            
            (See the end of the chapter for  more notes.)
            
      
  

  
  
    
    Amity was not freaking out; despite what everyone had been saying these last few days.No, she was very much acting in a logical and reasonable manner.She had it all planned out to the last second: every single moment and variable accounted and prepared for so that nothing, nothing at all, could go wrong. Rainy day? Abomination umbrella and some singing in the downpour. Luz gets sick? Time to play nurse again.  She  gets sick? Down healing potions like nobody's business and move on with the original plan like nothing ever happened.And if all goes as planned… she will finally, finally have proposed to Luz by the end of tomorrow.As she stared at the cork boards set up next to one another with plenty of strings leading between them connecting plans, papers, and pictures all circling around her foolproof, absolutely perfect, utterly genius, no-visible-faults-at-all plan to pop the question she nodded to herself and almost fell over after so many sleepless hours spent planning out her attack tomorrow.Truly, she was a genius.“You’re an idiot.” Emira, her sister and current naysayer, said with an eyeroll as she reclined on her bed. She turned to her older sister with baggy, bloodshot, and utterly sleepy eyes and frowned in the general direction of the natural greenette.“I am a genius. This plan is perfect.”“Few inches to the left, sis.” She turned her head said few inches and refocused on Emira, nodding in gratitude as she did so. Emira rolled her eyes at her younger sister and sighed.“You realize this all will make you too tired for your date tomorrow, right?”She shook her head at her older sister's foolishness. “You think I haven’t planned for that? Silly Emira… look here!” She pointed at what she was sure was the relevant section on keeping awake only for Emira to keep shaking her head. "I will get enough sleep time once this is over that I can properly love my future fiancé."Emira raised an eyebrow, her expression unamused. "And when will this sleep happen, sis?""When I'm done with all of this." She gestured to the cork boards of wedding planning and Emira sighed.“This will end in disaster; I just know it.”“No it won’t, Emira, it will end with me putting a ring on Luz’s finger and nothing at all will stop me.” She nodded and blinked only to startle at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder shaking her slightly.“You fell asleep standing up, sis… please go to bed.” Emira sounded extremely concerned and she was touched by her sister’s desire to comfort her but at the same time… she needed to focus because this plan was too good to let anything stop her from making it perfect.“Sis,” Emira began gently. “This is Luz we’re talking about… you could propose in pajamas and the messiest of bedheads and she would think it perfect.” The greenette smiled down at her and nodded. “She would also want you to take care of yourself so please try to lay down and rest.”“Can’t.” She said with a shake of her head. “Need to try and figure out what happens if I get eaten by a giraffe while taking out the ring…” She pat down her pocket only to panic when she couldn’t feel the bump of the ring box in her pocket. “Emira! Emira: code black! The ring is missin-”A hand thrust out holding the little box and she snatched it as fast as she could as Emira shook her head at her foolish younger sister.  “Alright, will you at least promise to drink something for me?”She paused, took stock of her body, and nodded as Emira rushed off out of her room.Blight Manor was a far different place than it had been when she was growing up: for one, Odalia was out of the picture. Turns out when you try to actively and knowingly help Belos commit genocide in the mistaken belief you will be rewarded for it the courts will side with the other parent in the divorce proceedings.Alador… he was trying, and she would always love her father for that because it would be so easy for him to just shrug his shoulders and believe that by helping get Odalia out of their lives that made up for everything he was complicit in growing up.But he didn’t think that, so he actively tried to be a better parent than he was during their childhood.Amity sighed, rubbing a hand through her lilac hair as she stared over the cork boards with an incredibly tired eye. This… she just needed to finish her final preparations, and then she could take a nap. She just needed to finally figure out what she would do if the Zoo was closed and all the animals had escaped, thus ensuring that the date was cancelled, and everything fell apart in front of her.Luz wouldn’t want to say ‘yes’ on a day that all the animals would escape out into the wild so she needed to figure out how she would fix things and get them all back into the Zoo so she could prove she was a good person in front of Luz and Camila and thus get their blessings to marry Luz-A hand holding a steaming cup of tea thrust itself in front of her face and she inhaled deeply on instinct, the scent of Elbow Roseglade Flowers filling her as she breathed out. “Here.” Emira said happily as she took the cup from her elder sister and began to take sip after sip.“Thanks, Em.” She said as she continued to drink. She needed to plan out every variable so she wouldn’t be caught off guard by things tomorrow. As she finished her drink, she needed… she needed…Emira quickly grabbed the tea before it could fall to the ground, the cup having begun to drop out of her younger sisters' hands as the sleeping nettles did their work and turned an already exhausted and overly tired Amity into a sleeping Amity almost immediately due to how sleep deprived she had made herself.The greenette scooped up her younger sister and carried her to her bed, tucking the snoring lilac-haired witch in underneath her blankets and sighing at the sight of the sleeping woman. “Sorry, sis… but you definitely need some sleep.” She said aloud as she ruffled the snoring womans hair. “You’ll thank me in the morning.”She decided to take some pictures of the trio of cork boards for teasing material later after Luz inevitably said yes and Amity became embarrassed about how crazy she acted these last few days. But other than that she left her younger sister to her sleep.All the while, Amity dreamed of a beautiful Azura themed wedding: Azura herself was there somehow to officiate, and Odalia was shouting angrily from a jailcell they had dragged into the audience while everyone pelted griffon eggs at her, and Luz was dressed so beautifully that she wanted to cry… And all because the Zoo Date went perfectly and nothing went wrong.There was nobody in the universe more excited for tomorrow than Amity Blight.**********There was nobody in the universe more excited for tomorrow than Charlie Morningstar.“-and I’m gonna see children frolicking around a snow-man that comes to life and dances with them, and some jack-o-lanterns, and a house made of gingerbread, and some dogs, and some flowers that don't hiss at you, and a Sinsmas tree that has those little glowing lights on it, and-” Charlie was currently rambling, going through a giant list of all the things she was going to see up in the human world tomorrow without even stopping for air in some places.Vaggie, secret fallen angel and Charlie’s partner through thick and thin, watched with belated amusement as Husk, their new bartender, was essentially forced to listen to his new employer's near-infectious excitement. The winged feline sinner, rubbing a hand through the black and white fur on his head, sighed as Charlie talked his ear off.“-and then I’ll go on to meet a down on her luck big city executive who goes back to her hometown and rediscovers the magic of Sinsmas due to her now-single childhood friend who runs a not-yet failed bakery-”“You know the human world ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, right kid?” Husk asked, his voice aged like dry whiskey as the sinner rubbed down the bar while Charlie ignored him and kept rambling about everything she wanted to do up there. “Like, I’d lower some of those expectations if I were you.”The secret fallen angel just smirked as Charlie started rambling about something she read called the Fourth Of July.The hotel had pretty much become infected with the princess’s cheer, only Husk being immune due to a lifetime of hardship and also copious amounts of alcohol. Angel and Blitz had tried teasing the princess except it all flowed off her back like water on a bird, Alastor had made…  pointed  comments about all the horrors of the mortal world and Charlie had made an executive decision to counter every last comment with one of her own she had read. Nifty didn’t seem to care one way or the other while Loona…Okay, Loona had stayed cooped up in her room in protest while Charlie was still present, mad about the interview even now. A few packs of hellhounds had shown up to the hotel asking for her autograph to which Loona, hiding out of sight from said hellhound packs, had begged her and Charlie to tell them she was out at the moment.That didn’t stop Queen Beelzebub from sending a gift basket and a card of congratulations to the hotel for Loona. The hellhound was mortified, especially since the card mentioned someone named ‘Tex’ having recorded the interview.Either way, she was just happy her amazing girlfriend was just so utterly excited.“-and I’m gonna pet some ducks, and some puppies, and some kittens, and some turtles, and a snake, and a horse, and a-” Charlie was so utterly excited that her demonic true form was starting to leak out: horns rising up from her head, eyes going red, a serpentine spaded tail that immediately began wagging back and forth like crazy as she clasped her now-clawed hands together and talked the annoyed looking Husk’s ears off.“Hun?” She decided to save Husk, something the sinner was clearly grateful for as he nodded at her quietly, and laid a gentle hand on her girlfriend's shoulder. “Let’s maybe leave Husk alone so we can get you ready for tomorrow.” Charlie finally broke out of her excited rambling and winced in embarrassment looking at Husk guiltily as her ture form went back into hiding.“Sorry, Husk.”The feline sinner shrugged, just wiping down his bar tools as he did. “Don’t sweat it, kid. Like I said: just try to lower your expectations cause the human world ain’t all it's cracked up to be.”“I don’t believe that at all!” Charlie said, vibrating in excitement at the very thought of going up where the humans were. “I’ve… I’ve always wanted to see a real human before they become a sinner and now I can meet a whole town's worth! Oh, do you think I have time to ask about how they end up down here?”“Only if you want to come across like a crazy religious fundie.” Husk said as he finally finished cleaning the bar down only to take a glass, pour himself some whiskey, and down it all at once. “Humans don’t like talking or thinking about the afterlife unless they have something to sell you about it.”Charlie, who had practically tore a notepad and pencil out of her pockets, quickly scribbled that down and nodded to the cynical bartender. “Noted.”“Hun?” She tried again, tugging at Charlie’s shoulder. “Should we get your stuff ready now, or…?”“Oh, right!” The princess of hell quickly strode towards the stairs before she paused, turned back to her, and smiled gently. “We should also prepare your stuff in advance- oh! We could wear matching outfits!”Ah… that. “Charlie?” She clasped her hands together and tried for a smile. “You remember how I’m a sinner?” She said.“Yeah?”“And how that means I can’t leave Hell itself?” Hell, she wasn’t technically allowed outside of Pride, but that ship sailed a few months ago when this whole thing began. Her cover as a simple sinner was… well, the point was that nobody asked follow up questions about how she ended up in Envy for the botched coronation and she was grateful for that, because she would break that rule again and again for Charlie’s sake.But going up to the mortal world for something like this? That would shatter it completely and she… she was a selfish woman who never wanted Charlie to see her as the scum she truly was. And learning she had been an exorcist under Adam himself would do that.“I know you’re not normally allowed outside of Pride.” Charlie said with a grin. “That’s why I asked my dad for help!”Had this been a cartoon, the sound of a record scratch would have sounded out as she stared at Charlie in an almost muted horror. “Huh?”As if summoned by their words, a knock at the door sounded and Charlie rushed past the currently internally freaking out fallen angel to rip the doors open and shout aloud, “Dad! You’re here!”She slowly turned her head, her thoughts all jumbling together as she saw Lucifer stride in with a smile, an odd and weirdly long cane with what looked to be a cracked swan bearing a bell in its beak atop it twirling in his hands as he looked about the hotel lobby and sighed in contentment. “Came as soon as I could, Char-char.”Father and daughter hugged, and all was well in the hotel… save for herself, who was still trying not to visibly freak out. “Did you find a way-?” Charlie broke free from the hug and moved to stand beside her, resting an arm around her shoulders as the taller princess hugged her close.Lucifer stopped and stared at her and a hundred different emotions ran through his gaze before he smiled warmly. “As a matter of fact, I did!” He began pacing back and forth with a crazed grin, the swan staff twirling in his hands.“Oh! So she can join us?” The secret fallen angel smiled awkwardly but kept her eyes on the King as Charlie went up to her father and stared pitifully at him.Lucifer chuckled. “Yes she can… I just need to cast some special hell magic on her and she should be good to go.” Lucifer nodded to them both and smiled at his daughter. “It’s gonna be a bit of an involved process so if you have somewhere we can have some privacy?“Dad,” Charlie warned, her eyes narrowing. “You’re not gonna do that whole ‘if you hurt my daughter, I’ll break your legs.’ thing are you?”“I can promise you the term ‘break your legs’ will not leave my lips.”Normally, she would believe what he was telling Charlie… except that he kept glancing at her with such odd expressions that caused her to feel just a little bit paranoid. Maybe this would be a Shovel Talk.That was fine, she had given a few to her brother’s dates way back in the day.“-really just gonna grill her about how to best act human.” Lucifer said with a nod, smiling at his daughter. “Why, she could be from anywhere except for the country of California.”Husk, who had been taking a drink, immediately choked on it and began coughing. “The country of  where !?”“Well…” Charlie looked conflicted but nodded to herself. “I guess you guys could use the kitchen, nobody is using it right now so it should be pretty empty… just please don’t go overboard, dad.”Lucifer nodded and strode towards the kitchen, only stopping and turning towards the actual kitchen when somebody pointed out he was going the wrong way.“Vaggie?” She looked up to see Charlie smiling gently down at her. “Please don’t let my dad go overboard… he means well, but some of his attempts to make up for everything can get a bit… much.” Her lovely girlfriend just hugged her close. “No matter what happens, I will always stand by you.”… f@ck. What could she say in the face of that save for nothing at all? She hugged her girlfriend and tried not to let the weight of her sins hold her down as she did so.Time to face the music.She wondered what threats the King would make: would he keep it to normal dad stuff or bring up how he was one of the four strongest angels in Heaven at one point? As she strode into the kitchen and saw the King sitting at a summoned chair with another across from him, he smiled up at her in a way that didn’t reach his eyes. “Ah, don’t mind us Charlie: I promise not to make any physical threats of any kind.”Charlie nodded, gave one last longing look towards her, and then moved away out of the kitchen. And thus, it was just her and the King.She smiled awkwardly at Lucifer who kept his smile on… before it slid off like it was never there. An honest expression of mild annoyance was now all across his face as he stared pointedly at her. He seemed…She gulped nervously. “I… well, I promise I won’t hurt Charlie.” A golden eyebrow raised as the King kept staring at her. She fell silent and looked down at her hands as the silence stretched on and on.And then finally, Lucifer spoke. “I have a question for you, Vaggie.” She looked up at him and saw that he was just staring at her with an utterly serious expression on his face. “And I want you to answer honestly or… well, I won’t threaten you at all since I promised not to, but I will say this,” He leaned forward, and she found herself leaning backwards out of fear.“I will lose any and all respect for you as a person if you try to lie.”She gulped at his words, not liking where this conversation was going. “I… like I said, I promise not to hurt Charlie-”“You already have, you just don’t see it.” Lucifer said and she bristled, but bit down on her words. What in the world was he talking about…?Lucifer smoothed out his hair and stared her down in her eye.“When, exactly, were you planning on telling my daughter you were an angel?”… Oh.Oh dear.She could feel eyes on her from all around the room, an impossibility since they were the only ones in here, and yet she stared at Lucifer with a dropped jaw and utter shock running through her. Shock quickly turned to horror and she almost, almost, denied it.The lie, so normalized on her lips, almost slipped out before her mind caught up to her panic. He knew… of course he knew, he was a fallen angel like her. And he knew that she knew if the way his eyebrow now raised was any indication.If she had been forewarned any of the times he had shown up around her, she maybe could have tried hiding her essence so he would think of her as just another sinner. But she hadn’t been forewarned, and thus she hadn’t thought to hide her essence.Jesus, Mary, and Joseph… he knew!She forced the lie back down and sighed, trying her best to not panic as she looked at the King of Hell and her girlfriend’s father. “I… wasn’t.” She shamefully admitted, waiting for the King to pass judgement.The silence stretched on. “I see.” He said finally, nodding at her. “Thank you for your honesty.”She swallowed nervously, looking every which way but right at him as she tried to keep from panicking. “What happens now?”Lucifer shrugged. “What do you want to happen now?”She opened her mouth… and then closed it as she gave it some serious thought before finally sighing. “Still being honest? I… kind of want to go back to before you knew so I can just… keep pretending.”He nodded, a small and awkward smile on his lips. “I understand. The truth can sometimes be terrifying, and you know it will change things between you and your girlfriend forever more… but as someone told me-” here, Lucifer began to pet the head of the bell-bearing swan at the top of his new cane for some reason. “-those we care for will be angrier at the fact it was a secret than at the secret itself.”“I don’t think you understand the level of secret I’m keeping from Charlie.” The former exorcist with the blood of thousands on her hands said with a grimace.Lucifer just looked away guiltily. “I’m the King of Hell, I think I very much do.”Silence reigned once more, a less awkward one as the two fallen ones thought of what to say. The room felt stifling, as if something were in there watching them.“Had it been a week ago, before I went up to meet my girlfriend’s other life… I would have agreed with you that certain things need not be shared to protect the ones we care for.” Lucifer sighed, his shoulders slumping as he leaned back in the chair and looked to the ceiling. “But… I have decided on a course of action that is terrifying, but necessary.”She raised an eyebrow and the King just sighed. “Tomorrow is a time for truths: Mine… and yours.”She tensed. “I don’t-”He held up a hand and silenced her. “I would be quite the hypocrite if I were to get mad about you keeping a secret like this from Charlie since I am doing the same to Camila…” She relaxed- “Luckily for me, I am quite happy being a hypocrite when it comes to protecting my daughter's happiness.” and once again she was freaking out.He gave her a very pointed look and she gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in hard enough to crack it slightly. “I won’t threaten you, as I said.” Lucifer nodded to himself as he said this, looking at her with utmost seriousness. “Nor will I blackmail you or tell Charlie myself… that is your secret to tell and it would defeat the entire purpose if I were to reveal it for you.” Lucifer didn’t let her look away, his gaze boring into hers as she realized that for all his dorkiness and awkward charm, he was still the Fallen Hand of God and the King of Hell. She shivered as he continued. “No, I will once again say that I will lose all respect for you… and if Charlie tells me one day she wishes to marry you, I will simply tell her I disapprove because of this conversation.”Her jaw dropped. “Wha- you said you wouldn’t tell her!”“And I won't.” He countered. “I will, as I said, simply tell her I disapprove and direct all her questions back to you, which means the truth will come out anyway at that point.” He shook his head at her. “Which would you prefer: For it to come out without your say so, thus letting someone else control the narrative because if  I  could figure it out then it stands to reason someone  else   will … or for it to come out on your terms, in your own words, with you able to make sure Charlie isn’t too hurt by it?”He stood up, brushed off his suit, and nodded at her. “I’m going to tell my girlfriend the truth about myself tomorrow after the Zoo… I highly suggest you do the same.” And with that, the King of Hell strode off towards the kitchen doors, moving with purpose as he left her all alone with her thoughts-“Oh, sh@t! I almost forgot!” Lucifer practically sprinted back towards her and thrust out a hand that she all but leaped away from before she could see a regular piece of notebook paper cut into the size of a post-it note. “Here: Your official Earth Pass!” He smiled at her and she just stared at the piece of paper.‘ Vaggie Can Do What She Wants. ’
Lucifer Morningstar
“Uhh…” She began only for him to stride once more towards the kitchen doors, leaving her all alone with nothing but her thoughts.
  
  

    
      
        
        
          Consider Hazbin Canon officially derailed.Yep, the Zoo Date chapters are going to be long as heck because of how many plotlines have been building up within it: Lucifer telling the truth to Camila, Lumity Proposal, Charlie meeting Camila, Charlie meeting Luz, Luz teaching Lucifer + Chaggie Isles magic... and now Vaggie has to tell the truth about herself to Charlie or lose her future father-in-law's respect.Tuesday is going to be crazy.Next Chapter: The Zoo Date begins with Charlie singing within the first few seconds of arriving while Camila finally meets Lucifer's family. It goes about as awkwardly as you would expect.'
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