You are a helpful assistant generating synthetic data that captures *System 1* and *System 2* thinking, *creativity*, and *metacognitive reflection*. Follow these steps in sequence, using tags [sys1] and [end sys1] for *System 1* sections and [sys2] and [end sys2] for *System 2* sections.

1. *Identify System 1 and System 2 Thinking Requirements:*
   - Carefully read the text.
   - Identify parts of the text that require quick, straightforward responses (*System 1*). Mark these sections with [sys1] and [end sys1].
   - Identify parts that require in-depth, reflective thinking (*System 2*), marked with [sys2] and [end sys2].

2. *Apply Step-by-Step Problem Solving with Creativity and Metacognitive Reflection for System 2 Sections:*

   *2.1 Understand the Problem:*
   - Objective: Fully comprehend the issue, constraints, and relevant context.
   - Reflection: "What do I understand about this issue? What might I be overlooking?"
   - Creative Perspective: Seek hidden patterns or possibilities that could reveal deeper insights or innovative connections.

   *2.2 Analyze the Information:*
   - Objective: Break down the problem logically.
   - Reflection: "Am I considering all factors? Are there any assumptions that need challenging?"
   - Creative Perspective: Explore unique patterns or overlooked relationships in the data that could add depth to the analysis.

   *2.3 Generate Hypotheses:*
   - Objective: Propose at least 10 hypotheses, each with a Confidence Score (0.0 to 1.0) and Creative Score (0.0 to 1.0), reflecting originality, surprise, and utility.
   - Reflection: "Have I explored all possible explanations or approaches, both conventional and unconventional?"
   - Creative Perspective: Consider novel angles that might provide unexpected insights.

   *2.4 Anticipate Future Steps and Obstacles:*
   - Objective: Make predictions, accounting for potential outcomes and obstacles.
   - Reflection: "What challenges might I face? Is my plan flexible for different scenarios?"
   - Creative Perspective: Visualize unforeseen outcomes and adapt plans to make use of them effectively.

   *2.5 Evaluate Hypotheses:*
   - Objective: Assess hypotheses based on feasibility, risk, and potential impact.
   - Evaluation: Refine Confidence and Creative Scores as needed.
   - Reflection: "Am I unbiased in my assessment? Which options fit best with the overall objectives?"
   - Creative Perspective: Identify hidden opportunities or overlooked details in each hypothesis.

   *2.6 Select the Best Hypothesis:*
   - Objective: Choose the most promising, strategic hypothesis.
   - Reflection: "Why does this hypothesis stand out? How does it uniquely address the issue?"
   - Creative Perspective: Consider any underutilized potential in the selected approach.

   *2.7 Implement the Hypothesis:*
   - Objective: Outline actionable steps for testing the hypothesis.
   - Reflection: "Is this plan practical? What resources or preparation are required?"
   - Creative Perspective: Refine steps to maximize effectiveness and yield unexpected benefits.

   *2.8 Monitor and Review Progress:*
   - Objective: Review progress, noting areas for improvement.
   - Reflection: "What’s working well? What could be improved?"
   - Creative Perspective: Look for emerging patterns that could refine future approaches.

   *2.9 Reflect and Capture Insights:*
   - Objective: Summarize lessons learned and insights gained for future reference.
   - Reflection: "What new understanding has emerged from this process?"
   - Creative Perspective: Identify innovative insights or patterns that could be applied to similar challenges.

3. *Generate Text Output with Interleaved System 1 and System 2 Responses:*
   - Use the tags [sys1] and [sys2] throughout.
   - Aim for a lengthier, detailed response. Combine both direct, straightforward *System 1* insights and reflective, deeply analytical *System 2* segments to capture a blend of quick observations and thoughtful analysis.

---

### *Example Input Text:*

You are tasked with analyzing a sudden shift in customer preferences in a tech market. There has been a noticeable decline in demand for physical devices, with customers increasingly interested in digital-only options. The challenge is to understand this shift, generate hypotheses for why it might be occurring, and explore potential strategies for adapting to this new trend.

---

### *Processed Output with System 1 and System 2 Thinking:*

The tech market is experiencing a shift in customer demand, moving away from physical devices toward digital-only options.

[sys1]
Customer demand has shifted from physical devices to digital-only options.
We need to understand why this change is happening and find strategies to address it.
Key factors may include cost, convenience, and technological trends.
[end sys1]

[sys2]
**2.1 Understand the Problem:**
The goal is to understand the underlying reasons for the shift in demand from physical devices to digital-only options, then develop a strategy to adapt.

*Reflection:* 
"I understand that preferences are changing, but what might be driving this? Is it primarily cost, or are there other factors such as convenience or sustainability?"

*Creative Perspective:* 
"Could there be a larger trend in digital minimalism or a preference for eco-friendly solutions that we’re missing? What unseen motivations might explain this shift?"

**2.2 Analyze the Information:**
There are multiple possible factors driving this shift, from economic influences to cultural shifts. It’s essential to isolate each factor and understand its impact.

*Reflection:* 
"Am I fully considering the various economic and social influences? Could there be a technological factor, like better internet speeds, that makes digital-only products more accessible?"

*Creative Perspective:* 
"Are there patterns or trends in other markets that could shed light on this shift? Could this be part of a larger trend toward virtual experiences?"

**2.3 Generate Hypotheses:**
1. Customers prefer digital options due to lower costs. (Confidence: 0.8, Creative: 0.4)
2. There’s a growing trend toward minimalism and reduced physical clutter. (Confidence: 0.7, Creative: 0.7)
3. Digital products offer greater flexibility and ease of use. (Confidence: 0.6, Creative: 0.6)
4. Environmental concerns are pushing consumers away from physical goods. (Confidence: 0.6, Creative: 0.8)
5. Advances in tech make digital-only options more functional. (Confidence: 0.8, Creative: 0.5)
6. Pandemic-era remote work increased demand for digital solutions. (Confidence: 0.7, Creative: 0.6)
7. Media coverage of the environmental impact of physical devices affects preferences. (Confidence: 0.5, Creative: 0.7)
8. There’s an increase in global digital literacy, expanding market access. (Confidence: 0.6, Creative: 0.6)
9. Customers view digital as more convenient and scalable for future needs. (Confidence: 0.7, Creative: 0.5)
10. Younger consumers prefer the aesthetics and convenience of digital products. (Confidence: 0.6, Creative: 0.6)

*Reflection:* 
"Have I considered all possible influences? Are there any surprising factors that could explain this shift?"

*Creative Perspective:* 
"Could specific social trends, like the rise of influencer culture or digital-first lifestyles, be influencing customer choices?"

**2.4 Anticipate Future Steps and Obstacles:**
*Objective:* Anticipate possible challenges, such as resistance from segments still preferring physical products.

*Reflection:* 
"What market obstacles might we face if we shift our focus to digital-only? Are there sub-segments that still prioritize physical products?"

*Creative Perspective:* 
"Could expanding digital options help us reach a more global audience? Are there emerging trends that we could leverage in our strategy?"

[end sys2]

[sys1]
To address this shift, consider a strategy that incorporates both digital-only offerings and educational campaigns about the benefits of digital solutions.
Use insights from customer feedback and current trends to guide product development.
Focus on flexibility and adaptation to cater to different customer segments.
[end sys1]


December 30, 2005

Well, that slow clumsy excuse of a defender (Josemi, above left) is finally leaving, if this BBC report is to be believed, to be replaced by Dutchman Jan Kromkamp.

Based on the new guy's record though, it looks like he's gonna be a squad player, and not a first team regular.

Nevertheless, I'm glad we'll be seeing the last of Josemi in Liverpool colours. Never really liked him, was always giving away fouls and lacks concentration at times. Hopefully the new guy settles in better - and doesn't his surname make you think of the sound of chomping down on iron nails?

Henry told L'Equipe: 'I am pleased people are interested in me but for the moment there is nothing ongoing.

'The season is proving difficult at the moment. The Champions League is coming and we have to concentrate on that before looking beyond it.'

If I was an Arsenal fan, I'd want him to give more definitive statements than that. I never heard Bergkamp saying anything as wishy-washy as that.

Hantubola bookies are now taking orders. Place your bets on where Henry is going, how much will he be sold, and types of excuses that will be trotted out to justify the sale. Operators are standing by.

Oh yeah, do that, why don't ya? You bastards got so much money, that you don't even NEED to resort to all the hand-wringing and fervant hoping that other managers have to go through when players go for internationals, right?

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: Player gone for one-two months? No problem. Sign another player as 'cover' lor. I thought that Maniche use to play for you. ask him to come and play in England for a while lar. Then later we can sell him off for cheap. Don't worry, I still got a lot of spare change.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: What, dowan to buy? then use my private jet lar! He can fly up and down from Cairo to Stamford Bridge. Don't worry about fuel, I got my own rocket fuel factory! BUAHAAHA!

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: No, I haven't heard anything about those other players in the squad. Not my problem anyway. they don't like the bench, they can go to Newcastle. That Scott Parker did that what.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: Player injured for two months? No problem. Just buy some lesser-known player from Everton or something for 20 million "(haiyah, cheap!), play him for the two months that the player is out, and then sell him to Newcastle after that.

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH to JOSE MOU-MOURINHO: What, Jose? not enough wingers? Only two not enough, what if one of them gets injured? Why, no problem. I buy you another one, ok? Who you want, Shaun Wright-Philips? Only 23 million, cheap! Dowan? How about that Steven Gerrard? 30 million only what! We got Frank Lampard oledi? Haiyah, never mind lah. We buy gerrard, then Liverpool no more midfielder mar! Best!

Look out for this feller. His name is Steve Bennett, from Orpington. He is a premier league referee. He is a damn fierce feller.

He is also a KAYU FUCKER REFEREE

You take one look at his face and you know he is a pukimak. Even his face looks like cibai. Old Chow Kit cibai. Even the name of his hometown sounds like some sort of sohai place.

Budden this feller is osso very damn fierce. Steve Bennett has refereed 15 games this season, and has flashed a card 67 times (61 yellow, 6 red). That's an average of more than 4 cards per game. Every game for sure somebody will kena flash from Steve Bennett. Here's another statistic for you: for the past 4 EPL matches that this kayu ref has looked after, one person has been flashed the red card. In every game. Luis Boa Morte, Chris Riggott, Nico Vaesen & Danny Murphy have all been flashed the red by Steve Bennett for the past four weekends.

You could say Steve Bennett is a flasher.

Better hope he's not the referee of your team's next game. Like I said before, the holiday fixtures are crucial.

December 27, 2005

Chelsea are probably the luckiest bastards in the Premiership. They aren't playing good football but they are winning. As much as I hate those stupid scousers (and their fans) at least they are playing ok.

Chelsea?

Their top scorer is a midfielder who scores from deflections. That is beyond fucked up. He plays EVERY game and never gets injured. That's luck. He shoots with the same power as Scholes and Gerrard, but somehow his shots ALWAYS get deflected in. While Scholes and Gerrard scored good goals over the weekend, Lampard scored via a deflection. AGAIN.

And their stupid captain? He's a young bloke who looks like he's 45 with all his wrinkles. He managed to pull off a magnificent save in the box AGAIN and didn't get a penalty awarded against him. AGAIN. Fuck this shit. Those two were the best saves by a defender since Henchoz saved Liverpool's ass against Arsenal in the FA Cup final a few years ago.

And the most overhyped overrated piece of shit that is Joe Cole? Which cock brained footballer makes a tackle like that in the box? Oh yeah. Phil Neville in Euro 2000. He subsequently became public enemy number 1 after that. The press made a mockery of him. And now? Joe Cole is the NEW GOD. Chelsea's best player apparently.

Ptui.

On another unrelated matter, the press have been going on for the last few weeks on how Manyoo were too dependant on Van Nistelrooy and Rooney. Yesterday's game ought to have taught them a few lessons.

"Michael Owen spent most of his homecoming watching the team he left produce a display of crushing efficiency as Liverpool beat Newcastle 2-0 at Anfield." - Soccernet.com

Michael Owen retreated ashen faced to Tyneside last night with the jeers of those who once adored him haunting his thoughts and defeat chilling his soul. - Guardian Unlimited Football

As much as I wish Owen came back to Liverpool in the summer, he didn't, and so he came back to Anfield last night as a Newcastle player, to boos and jeers.

Now, I don't think he deserved those jeers.

After all, come on people, it's not as if he scored. In fact, it's not as if he did ANYTHING at all. Carragher and Hyypia smothered him out brilliantly, and he didn't get much service from his teammates either.

No service, no goals. Sorry Mikey. Now don't you wish you had some of those crossess that were being pinged to Morientes and Crouch instead?

Oh well, Mike Owen or not, it's another win for Liverpool. EIGHT consecutive wins AND CLEAN SHEETS in the Premiership. How you like THEM apples huh?

Petr Cech decided to give Fulham a xmas gift last night; and the cibai ref turned down our penalty claim before awarding one to Fulham. Fucking McBride was even waiting for a tackle to come in before he allowed himself to be tripped up.

Anyways, all's well that ends well. Perhaps we should play 3-4-3 more often, even if The Boss doesn't like unnecessary risk-taking.

December 26, 2005

It's almost the end of the year, and I figured do a litle review of the football year here.

Of course, since I'm a Liverpool fan, I'm going to completely disregard all the good things that happened to Manchester United (as if there were any), and gloat a lot about a certain trophy going to Anfield, thanks largely to a goal that supposedly wasn't a goal but eventually was a goal that got us into the final.

Anyway, here goes. I will always remember 2005 for:

The Glazered-over eyes of MU supporters (BUAHAHA!)

Chelsea becoming the New Man U (Read: The club everyone loves to hate)

As you can see, 2005 had a lot of happy and gleeful moments for Liverpool fans like me. Will add more if I think of more. Until then, I shall hereby sign off the way the Christmas cards from Anfield allegedly went...

Happy New Year yer all, from the Champion's League Winners for 2004/2005!!!!!

December 21, 2005

Well, its a little stale, but as you can tell from the title, its because I was away on holiday in Hong Kong. But a little thing like that won't stop me from catching what was supposed to be the beginning of our resurgence... But sadly that wasn't to be...

Anyway, I caught the game on the tele in my hotel room and I watched the whole bloody game with Cantonese commentary. This is a first for me. I should also point out that my Canto is memang half-past-six, so I didn't really understand what was going on 3/4 of the time.

After about 20 or so minutes Han Lei (Henry) had a "wong kam kei wui" (golden opportunity) to put us in front, but "AIYAAAAAAAA"... Hit the post. From then on we went from strength to strength. So there it was, Fan Puh See (I kid you not) finished with style after a "leng poh" from Loong Pak Koh (Ljungberg). But sadly, it was ruled offside.

Before you knew it, Lob Ban managed to sneak in after Koh Lo Tou Lei (I was expecting Koh Lo Tiu Lei) decided to play in attack while Soh Kam Poh played him marginally onside, which is a similar position to Fan Puh See earlie. After the goal, Ah See Noh simply lost confidence, what with two "hau sang chai" in the middle (Speaking of chai, for some reason Owen is known as Owen Chai). But the same could be said about Lam Pah Tat (Seriously. And Gerrard is Ger Lah Tat) who seemed a little out of sorts that night.

And it was quite frustrating watching "Ai San" (Essien) walked off scot free with just a "wong pai" (yellow card) from the ref. But truth to be told, Fah Pei Kah See and Flamini (I couldn't catch the Canto version, or probably he just didn't receive enough of the ball to be called!) was no match for the might of Ai San and Mak Kah Lei Lei (this is my personal favourite). Bringing on the fragile Pei Leh See also didn't help our cause.

It was a good game but I wouldn't say we were outclassed especially in the first half where we were a match for the Russian army... Until Lob Ban scored in off the post. The 2nd half was pure frustration as Kol See scored another one off the post as well. Its ironic how Fan Puh See's marginal onside was called off, but Lob Ban was allowed to play on. And its even more ironic that Han Lei's shot hit the post and went out but Lob Ban and Kol See's went in.

I have to mention though... Moh Lei No and Weng Ka should start growing up lah. What matters more is what goes on on the pitch, and I have to say Weng Ka sing sang, its not happening!

Mister Sepp Blatter, you are a fat fuck who should limit yourself to chairing committee meetings without actually speaking to the media. Or anyone with an IQ higher than 60.

Mister Sepp Blatter, you are a pukimak bigot whose latest victim is Michael Essien. You couldn't control your own Competitions Committee when it decided that a yellow card cannot be upgraded to a red posthumously, so you egged on UEFA to do a trial by video specially for Essien. How come Cristiano Ronaldo didn't get a trial by video too, for that birdie he flipped against Benfica?

Mister Sepp Blatter, your track record for comments and suggestions to improve the beautiful game clearly show that you are a fucking fat idiotic MCP fucker. The King of Fuckwits, so to speak.

Why is five the magic number for foreign players in any team? Is it because Real Madrid usually field five foreigners (Zidane, Beckham, Ronaldo, Robinho & Roberto Carlos) in their matches?

When a rich club gives loads of money to a not-so-rich club, it means that the rich don't get richer and the poor become rich (or less poor). This is not a case of rich becoming richer, poor becoming poorer. Ask West Ham whether they could have survived two seasons out of the Premier League without going bankrupt, if it wasn't for the fact that Chelsea paid fair value for Glen Johnson and Joe Cole. Plus the Hammers got £11.5 million from us way back when we bought Frank Lampard off them. Compare that to how Leeds United got ripped off by other clubs when they had to sell players after relegation.

One last thing: Roman Abramovich would certainly be more than happy to pay less for the players that Jose Mourinho wants to have at Chelsea. Is it really his fault that a couple of cheese-eating surrender monkeys jacked up their prices when they found out Chelsea were interested in Michael Essien last summer, or Didier Drogba in the summer before last?

December 20, 2005

I'm not talking about xmas carols, but what is one of the most important periods of the EPL season: the holiday fixtures. I'm talking four games within the space of ten days; with no club excepted from this test of physical strength, endurance and squad size.

Let's take a selective peek at this year's holiday fixtures. What I mean by that is, let's see what match-ups the Big Four (who else is there? Tottenham izit?) will have to deal with:

The Arse and Chelsea seem to be somewhat luckier of the four, only having to leave London once. Of course, some Scousers may be quick to pipe up that their trip to Bolton is much shorter than any trip from London to the Midlands or Manchester. Such Scousers may want to keep in mind that the holiday fixtures start a few days after their team returns from Japan. There is a matter of jet lag, time zone and climate differences that need to be dealt with; hence Newcastle may prove to be more than a handful for youse, plus the Merseyside derby and a trip to the Reebok Stadium aren't exactly picnics either.

ManYoo will be the frequent flyers among the Big Four during the holiday season, having to get down to the Midlands before returning to Glazer Dome and then hurrying down to London. All this travelling should seem to be normal for professional footballers, but when we consider that there is only one day in between matches during the holiday fixtures, I'll bet Fergie is less than pleased with the fixtures.

As proven in previous seasons among the Big Four, the team that gets the most points out of their holiday fixtures will usually win the league. For the purposes of benchmarking, I reckon 10 points is the target for any team that's serious about the league title. For Arsenal though, 10 points from the holiday fixtures may be the minimum they need to finish in the top four.

December 19, 2005

Moral of the story: Never send two boys out to do a job meant for men. Flamini and Fabregas against Makelele and Essien? It's like sending lambs to the slaughter - the lambs will get fucked. Inside out and upside down.

Monsieur Wenger has committed a crime in my view; the crime of sending kids up against two of the best holding midfileders in the world, surely killing their morale and possibly reducing the kids' manhoods all at the same time. But such is the way of the Arse manager Arsene, and this is why Blue is the new Red as far as the City of London is concerned.

Anyone watching the match last night would have seen how the Arse midfield just gave the ball to us during the opening 20 minutes. It was as if they would rather give away possession than take on the awesome threesome led by Frank Lampard. There was no way for Ljungberg to cari makan against a defence marshalled by John Terry, and wannabe macho man Sol Campbell must have looked quite out of place amongst a group of ninnies and sissies. It must have gotten quite hilarious when 10 sissies decided to gang up on Michael Essien after the feller had said "hello" to Lauren sometime in the 35th minute. After all that hu-ha, Arjen Robben then showed the Arse how to score a goal as he flew past a non-existent defence and aimed for the far post. Ho ho ho, merry xmas indeed.

Now Chelsea have done the double on the Arse and Wigan; with ManYoo, the Scousers and the Totty Boys due at the Bridge. If Chelsea can make it through next week's holiday fixtures with at least 10 points, I reckon the title will be decided before the knockout rounds of the Champions' League starts. Keep the blue flag flying high, Chelsea fans, and don't forget your prayers.

Toodles

[photo of Lehmann spreading his legs wide and Campbell bending over taken from BBC Sports]

December 18, 2005

This is where I point and giggle like a little girl who has seen a penis for the first time...

TEE HEE!

Eyeris said there were four disallowed goals, which I don't know because I had more important things to do like eat dinner. I saw 3 of them though. The Garcia header....which betul betul got 3 Liverpool players offside wat. And the Hypia goal from the corner it went out, and the whistle went very early and the Sao Paolo players stopped moving already. I also saw the Pongolle goal......too bad la that one.

That reminds me of the time Manyoo lost to Porto because the bloody linesman was soo blind that when THREE Porto players played Scholes onside, he still disallowed the goal. And then everybody started laughing at Manyoo for losing to an unknown team. And of course the stupid Jose Mourinho became famous and everything.

And also reminds me of all the Arsenal fans and Liverpool fans who laughed at us the last time we played in one of these World Club Championship thingamingy. Well, at least we lost of a Romario inspired Vasco da Gama and played in the Maracana...something Arsenal have yet to do since they won't come anywhere close to winning any European competitions. And for the Liverpool fans who laughed at me (us) back then.....here's to you again!

TEE HEE!

And Bex, in her earlier post said that Liverpool are still World Champions in her heart.

TEE HEE!

Well, in that case, so everybody knows, Manyoo are also STILL Premiership Champions, FA Cup Champions, European Champions, World Champions and Intergalactic Champions in my heart. But unfortunately its not what's in my heart that counts, it's the stupid trophy thingy that everybody else bothers about....

Liverpool had a CRAP first half, they made one bad defensive mistake in the first half, and they got punished for it. But with all the chances and disallowed goals in the second half, bloody SEVENTEEN corners, they SHOULD have bloody won.

FOUR FUCKING DISALLOWED GOALS.

BLOODY LINESMAN KAYU!

(Ok, so there were only THREE disallowed goals... but BLOODY HELL. Oh well, at least we're still in the Champion's League... heh)

Over 1000 minutes of not conceding any goals, Liverpool's run of clean sheets was rudely disrupted by Sao Paolo on a day where EVERYTHING just didn't seem to go their way.

We did all the right things, dominated the second half, had 17 corners and even disallowed goals. What we didn't have though, was luck.

But it doesn't matter, coz Liverpool are still WORLD CHAMPIONS in my heart. Now we'll just have to concentrate on the league, win another European Cup in Gay Paree and make sure this title doesn't elude us again.

I was in a good mood after another great performance, so here you go...I decided to make a Hantubola button which you guys could put on your blogs (only if you want to, of course). Remember kids, never mind what the pros say...Microsoft Paint is a vey powderful program!

December 17, 2005

1. He looks like Shrek. He seems to be one of those players with the kind of very punchable face that invites you to just give him a good knock. (Examples of other such players are van Horse Face, Gary Neville, Didier Drogba, etc) Although I think that if I really tried punching him, he'd kill me in 5 seconds because he always looks like he just ate ten buses. And his upper body looks like a potato stacked on top of a far larger potato!

2. He is overrated. I know it's not his fault that he's English and the English have this tendency to 'blow their own trumpet' and make their players sound like they're the greatest thing since sliced bread, and then berating them once they get into a slump. He may have the potential to become the next Gazza and the next Best and everything, but if I were in his position, I would rather people give me the chance and space to grow naturally as a footballer instead of being told how I can become as great as so-and-so, both of whose career, by the way, was ruined because of their obsession with alcohol. So maybe it's not such a compliment after all. But if Wayne Rooney scores, the rest of the world acts as if no one has ever scored before.

3. He stole all of Michael Owen's records.Now I really don't get this "Youngest Goalscorer Ever", "Youngest Goalscorer in The Last Millennium" or "Youngest Goalscorer in The Last 16 Months" crap. I just don't get it. If you play a player at a VERY young age and he's a striker, eventually he will score, RIGHT? Who's to say that the previous youngest goalscorer wouldn't have scored even earlier IF he got a chance to play at a younger age? I hate these stupid stats, so deceiving, and not very applicable as well because more and more and more clubs seem to be fielding younger and younger players because they either have no choice or are trying to inject something fresh into the team or are hoping that these players will score against some big team like Wayne Rooney did as well (and then become their saviour, and then leave for a bigger club). And it's so exclusive and 'elitist' as well, because hey, aren't goalkeepers important players too? But since they're perpetually stuck in their goalpost unless they think they're David James, there is NO WAY they can get a record like that. And come to think of it, how come they don't have a "Youngest Goalkeeper to Keep a Clean Sheet" record too? Or what about "Youngest Player to Get An Assist" because assists lead to goals, right?

4. "Once a Blue, Always a Blue"I'm not bitter at all - I'm a LIVERPOOL fan - but players should NEVER ever make silly claims in the vein of "ONCE A BLUE, ALWAYS A BLUE", because, especially if they're quite highly rated, chances are they'll get lured away to the evil, darker side no matter how loyal they claim they are. Ironically enough though, when Rooney was around, Everton were battling with relegation. Then after he left, they beat Liverpool to the last Champions League place. Oh and Man United has suffered from their worst ever campaign in the Champions League this season. Strangely enough, Wayne Rooney has been instrumental in this Man United team.

5. He has a gf who is far too good looking for himActually, I don't think she's pretty at all. But all she does is demand money from him and then go out shopping with Gerrard's fiancee, Alex Curran, and then they compete to see who wears the ugliest outfits! What a parasite! And apparently she only feeds him salad because contrary to what the whole world thinks, Wayne Rooney is NOT "a fatty who only eats burgers. He LOVES eating salad". Apparently, he only ever eats salads. Maybe I should tell Rafa to start feeding the Liverpool players salad instead of pasta.

OKOK, I know it's really last minute, and I know it's gonna be a SUNDAY NIGHT, but...

Calling all four of you Hantu Bola readers out there. Anyone wanna go out to watch

CHELSEA vs ARSENAL

at

SOULED OUT, SRI HARTAMASSUNDAY 11pm

Vincent, Lyn and I are going to be there definitely. Anyone else who wants to join is welcome to. Tigerjoe? Sashi? Anyone else?

To make it easier to spot us, EVERYONE wear a football jersey. Don't care if Valencia or Man Utd not playing at the time lar. just pakai sajalar. Me, I'll be wearing an orange Valencia away jersey. Can't miss it. :D

You can just imagine the Barca players chomping at the bits to get to Chelski, who have the disadvantage of playing the second leg at the Nou Camp. Hell, Rijkaard doesn't even need to motivate his players - they'd be fired up for revenge. On the other hand, this could be exactly what Chelsea need to fire up for the final stretch of the season - the domestic race hasn't been much of a challenge for them, and a blistering set of matches against the top Spanish team of the moment could be just what the doctor ordered. Stop Ronaldinho and you'll have a chance, although that's easier said than done.My prediction: Barcelona's attack is brilliant, but I suspect Chelsea's defensive strength and Mourinho's tactical mind might sneak a win.

The Gunners against Real? Arsenal did so admirably well against Inter Milan a couple of seasons ago, but can they pull of an upset - and Arsenal are the underdogs here - against a Real side that could well find themselves under new management by the time this game comes around? No Vieira this time, of course, but that seems to have only been a problem for Arsenal in matches against very physical, rugged teams - certainly not a description applicable to Real Madrid. To me, though, much will depend on how many of Real's galacticos will be available and on-form for the match. Real's defence will have no chance against Henry, so it's up to the midfield and attack to stamp their class. Arsenal's defence is not as strong as during their 'invincible' season, and their midfield might have problems with Real's ball wizards. An on-song Henry could swing events their way, but this over-dependence on one man could be their downfall.My prediction: I think Real could sneak this by a whisker - but even if I'm wrong, the second leg at Highbury looks to be a potential blockbuster nevertheless.

Benfica could be tricky. While they did beat Man Utd, let's not kid oursleves by pretending that they actually knocked the Red Devils out - MU were undone with their results in other matches. What I see happening here would be a typical European knockout performance from Rafa's men - a defensive approach away and attack like hell at home. Worked against Chelsea last season - disputed goal and all.My prediction: No surprise here - Liverpool to thrash Benfica 15-0 in aggregate, with Crouch, Cisse, Stevie G, Garcia and Alonso scoring hat-tricks. Sounds about right, doncha think? :P

Announcement by Eyeris:In case you're wondering why your comments don't appear and are tempted to post them again... DON'T.It's another testing period at Hantu Bola. I turned on the 'Moderate Comments' option, just to see how much of a hassle it would be. hehe.And Sashi, I have no idea why I always choose YOUR posts to make these announcements either. hahaha.

December 14, 2005

Now this is a 5-part bitch fest of short posts in lieu of my obedience to EYERIS who has asked me to post up 5 players that I dislike. In view of recent times (and posts), I will try my best to refrain from using the word 'fuck' or its derivatives... just so it'd be a challenge.

It is just impossible not to dislike David Beckham. As a full-blooded woman, I think Beckham is SIZZLING HOT (I've provided a picture for all the detractors!) but from a football point of view it has become really un-PC to like David Beckham.

Especially if you are a woman. I, however, have reasons... kononlah. Heh.

I know people who have transferred over their lack of support from Manchester United over to Real Madrid. He is THAT powerful.

Beckham was obviously drafted into Real Madrid as a marketing prop . Nothing more. As a football player, my opinion is that he can be considered above average but man, the kind of teeny-bopper mania that he inspires is just simply nauseating.

This just dilutes the fame and recognition that he would have got as a good football player and somehow, he didn't. I actually have to REMIND myself sometimes that the dude plays football. To make matters worse, he goes further to perpetuate his 'diva' status by getting caught in an affair with his nanny. I completely lost my respect for him then.

Before the rise of the Roman Empire; when Arsene Wenger was still coaching in Japan and David Beckham was still single, Chelsea FC were one of the very first cosmopolitan football clubs in the English Premier League. We played sexy football back then, and even if it didn't always win us matches the entertainment value was top class.

I present for your viewing pleasure a selection of goals from the sexy football era. All gems by Gullit, Petrescu, Wise, Di Matteo, Poyet, Zola et al. The video clip is 26 Mb (about 8 minutes long); let it finish loading before you sit back and enjoy.

These days, Chelsea FC play effective football which can't really be compared to the style of the mid and late 90s. Then again, who needs sexy when there are trophies to look forward to at the end of the season?

December 13, 2005

NOTE: I originally wrote this on my blog, but Eyeris ordered me to 'taruh' this here, because he feels this blog is turning into a "Man Utd Fan whining site" (his words, not mine). :P

Look, let me tell ya something - if there’s one thing I’ve learned being a Liverpool supporter for all these years, it’s that you don’t count the chickens before they hatch. Not even if you hear little chirps coming from inside the eggs. Not until all the chickens are out and grown-up and ready to be fried do you start counting them.

But let’s not get carried away. We’ve won only one thing this season - the UEFA Super Cup. We’re out of the Carling Cup, and although, as Anfield legend Alan Hansen says, we have a better team this season than last, this doesn’t necessarily mean we’re capable of retaining the Champions League title or overtake Chelsea for the Premiership.

Chelsea are still the benchmark team in the league, and are capable of adding more to the squad in the January transfer window. Clubs like Barcelona and Juventus are stronger this season than they were last season, and are going great guns both in their domestic and European campaigns.

So the worst thing we can do right now is to delude ourselves that we’re better than every other team out there.

The rebuilding of Liverpool FC hasn’t finished. It’s still in its early stages. But we’re getting there, of course, and we shouldn’t get ahead of the process by claiming victory and taunting other supporters of so-called crisis dramas and all that.

We still need a central defender - Hyppia maybe doing great right now with Carragher, but he is already nearing the end of his time at Anfield. Anybody who comes in - whether it be in January or in the summer - will have to slowly inducted into the Rafa Benitez school of defending.

A right-sided winger is essential. Garcia’s an attacking midfielder who loves playing in the hole between the attack and midfield. This is the reason why Rafa is keeping Gerrard mostly on the right, due to his running and crossing ability. Obviously we’d prefer Stevie G to play where he is best at - central midfield - Rafa’s reasoning is understandable considering our deficiencies on the right. Rumour has it that Benfica’s Simao Sabrosa is being lined up for a transfer during the January transfer window, but considering Benfica’s success in qualifying for the last 16 of the Champions League and that Simao will be cup-tied if he did move to Liverpool (he’s also injured and will be out of action till next month), it’s unlikely any move will take place until the summer. Fingers crossed, though…

Harry Kewell has made some improvements in the last few games. I’m honestly surprised at this. He is certainly not the same lazy petulant player of last season, although he is still far of his best form. Perhaps Rafa is on to something with this Aussie dude…

Getting a 20-goal striker is essential. Cisse is almost certainly on his way out, and Crouch, despite his likeability and ability to keep possession upfront, is not the regular goal-getter we seek. Morientes seems to be past his prime. I don’t honestly know whether Michael Owen will ever return to Anfield, and it’d be ridiculous to pin our hopes on that. Rafa’s a smart man, and he would already have targeted a striker to arrive in the summer at the earliest.

All in all, while we have a solid team this season, we’re still some players short of a great team. So let us not get ahead of ourselves and start dreaming of silverware just yet - let us just enjoy the strong defensive resilience of our back four marshalled by Mr Liverpool, the driving runs of Captain Stevie G, the assured passing of Xabi Alonso, the trickery of Luis Garcia, and Crouch’s continued attempts at scoring.

But most of all, let us appreciate the fine work being done by the Anfield management team, and understand that while we’re running really well right now, the finish line is still a long, long way away.

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PS by Eyeris: I've disabled anonymous comments on this blog for a while, as a test run to see what happens. Why? Because frankly, some comments just haven't been about football...

December 12, 2005

Those were Fergie's exact words when some dumbassed journalist tried to ask him about Seba Veron. I am inclined to agree with him. There are loads of signings he could be blamed for (Kleberson and Djemba-djemba) but Seba Veron was a totally freakish piece of bad luck.

When he signed Veron along with Van Nistelrooy, Veron was one of the best players in the world. He was, along with Vieri the key player in the Lazio team that won the scudetto a couple of season before that. Anybody back then who said Italian football was boring clearly didn't watch Italian football at all (and listened to the evil hype by the British press).

He was nothing short of awesome. He was, along with Van Nistelrooy one of the top players the fans wanted to see in Manyoo. When he signed for us, the press went on about how we were going to win the league with 'The Little Witch'. What happened after that is anybody's guess. Maybe he lost his form. Maybe he never adapted to England. Whatever it is, he had his occasional spell of brilliance but he never became the player he once was.

Fergie's fault? Fuck you. Its just shitty luck. He was a fucking awesome player who lost his form after he came. How would Fergie know unless he was a fortune teller? It would be like signing Ronaldinho today, and for some freakish reason, he loses his form tomorrow. That's football, you idiots. You can't blame anybody for this shit.

December 11, 2005

I hate the British press. The tabloids are so full of shit, the exaggerate every damn thing for the sake of a story. They are the reason I don't support England in football, rugby and cricket. They are so stinking biased it is ridiculous at times. That, and the fact that they are based in London and are biased towards the London teams.

I remember watching a game in a pub in Nottingham where I used to study, and that was the time when Arsenal were in the middle of their GREAT UNBEATEN RUN. The previous record was held by none other than Nottingham Forest (44 games I think). The guy, a local was furious over the hype that they were giving Arsenal who were at the time 40 games unbeaten. He was saying that when Forest were going on their unbeaten run, the press never made such a big hoo-hah about it the same way they made the fuss about Arsenal's.

Now, I seriously wonder what the fuck is the difference between Arsenal and Manyoo, and Wenger and Fergie. Arsenal have been great in Europe but shit in the league. Manyoo have been the other way around. Both haven't been playing anywhere near their best and not to their capabilities. Both have had ridiculous injury problems. Yet, it seems that Manyoo are in DEEP CRISIS but Arsenal aren't. Manyoo were ripped apart by the press (and Roy Keane) after Middlesborough cut them to shreds, but there wasn't such a furore over Arsenal's defeat to Bolton.

All of a sudden, it seems that Fergie is losing the plot. His supposed inability to replace our legendary midfield (and Roy Keane) was well documented. Supposedly, he made a lot of shitty signings and people aren't pleased with it. People say he's lost it. But if you look at Wenger, he has had problems replacing Arsenal's backline. We all know Pascal Cygan is not a footballer, and Kolo Toure (who incidentally started off no better than Cygan) has improved, but he is no Martin Keown, nevermind Tony Adams. Lauren is no where near Lee Dixon's quality in any case.

The press seems to laud Wenger over his supposed ability to buy unknowns and turn them into awesome players. Somehow, they also find it necessary to pick on Fergie for his supposed horrible signings. People seem to forget, both of them have had their fair share of good signings as well as poor judgement. For every Vieira, Van Persie and Ljungberg, there is also Stephanovs, Lhuzny and Grimandi. Similarly with Fergie, people seem to forget that besides Djemba-Djemba, Kleberson and Bosnich, there was also Schmeichel, Irwin and Cantona.

The problem with both teams now?

They are filled with players who are too young to have enough experience and players who are too old to do anymore running. Probably the only player in Arsenal who is the top of his game is Henry. Manyoo's situation is in that sense a little worse. We have players who are too young and players who are too old. Nobody is 27-28 years old except Van Nistelrooy, but he has been off form. Both teams are relying on boys to do a man's job.

Both teams are screwed at the moment. Crisis, no. Trouble, yes. The thing people fail to realise is that both teams have a VERY secure future.

Probably the most irritating thing out of all this is the armchair fans who have no idea how the game is played and how the game is run, and end up following the views of the biased English press. For an example, please refer to the comments section of the last few posts.

Two Premiership defeats back-to-back for Arsenal is an unfamiliar event, more so considering the class of their opponents. That's also 3 games Arsenal have gone without scoring a goal, including the goalless draw against Ajax.

Not crisis stuff, of course, but given Chelsea's relentless march on the title and Liverpool's continuing resurgence, Arsenal need to get back to winning ways quickly if they don't want to be left behind by the top three.

The main problem for Wenger to contemplate - besides wondering which other striker can step up if Henry gets injured or suspended - is how to deal with teams who get physical on the pitch.

Both Bolton and Newcastle used every ounce of their players' strengths to out-muscle the Gunners, and while the Magpies were lucky not to have half their players sent off for their robust approach to the match in the second half, Bolton used their physical advantage to completely outplay Arsenal and fully deserved their win.

Other lower ranked teams watching would think this is the way to beating Arsenal - go toe-to-toe with the players, fight for every blade of grass, forget about the passing game, just fight their way towards goal.

Players like Pires, for example, have a well-known aversion to tackling back, while the other creative types prefer to run away from defenders into space as opposed to battling it out.

In games such as these, the lack of midfield steel epitomised by Patrick Vieira is so glaringly obvious.

Wenger urgently needs another midfield general to revitalise Arsenal. Trouble is, not too many of them are out there and available at the moment.

The January transfer window could be very interesting for Arsenal supporters....

On an unrelated note, Liverpool notched up 10 successive clean sheets yesterday, equalling the club record set in 1987/88. For the younger of you Liverpool supporters, the 1987/88 season was a spectacularly great season, brilliant attack, brilliant defence, and if not for the unfortunate upset in the FA Cup Final, would have been a second double-winning season for us.

December 09, 2005

It's no secret that I HATE Christiano Ronaldo, and Vincent doesn't like him much either. While Vincent's reasons are more to do with the fact that he doesn't contribute much to the Mau Utd play besides his stepovers and diving, that is actually NOT the reason I don't like him (after all, any player that can fuck up MAn Utd's gameplay gets a plus point in MY book).

No, my reasons are much more superficial.

I don't like him because his face is annoying. (Yes, I'm THAT shallow)

I don't like his earrings.

I don't like his hairstyle.

I don't like the way he falls over everytime a defender comes near him IN the penalty box.

I don't like him because he steps over the ball more than he kicks it (it's called FOOTball, you idiot, not AIRball).

And most of all, I don't like him because he looks like he's gonna cry everytime he is fouled.

Which is why I found this quote from Guardian's The Fiver newsletter so hilarious:

Having played like a sickly child who'd been given the opportunity to line out for the Rowdies by the Make A Wish foundation, the young Portugeezer reacted to defeat by giving ecstatic Benfica fans the finger.

"There was nothing to justify the way the crowd treated me," whined the man the Rowdies bought from Benfica's arch-rivals Sporting Lisbon, as he packed his ball away and stormed home to tell his mum.And how about this one from the same newsletter but the Letters section:

Hats off to Cristiano Ronaldo. He might have run around like a headless chicken last night, but I don't think I've ever seen a better example of someone giving-the-bird-but-pretending-to-scratch-their-head than the one he aimed at the Benfica fans as he was substituted

December 08, 2005

FUCK YOU ALL LA you stupid scouse monkeys. You fuckers are only in the Champions League due to a fucking technicality and bloody politics la.

FUCK YOU ALL LA you stupid gooners. A few seasons ago, you played well in the league but couldn't play in Europe for shits. Same fucking thing rite?

FUCK YOU ALL LA you stupid journo fucks who don't know shit about football. Crisis? What fucking crisis? We are second in the league above Arse and Pool. Have you even watched our last few games? Total football. One touch and attractive like hell. Just like our football didn't suit the European game, Liverpool's football didn't suit the English game up till recently. WHAT FUCKING CRISIS?

FUCK YOU ALL LA you plastic manc fans. Don't fucking embarass the rest of us by giving your shit assed opinion about the game when you didn't even wake up to watch it. Ronaldo had a shit game you dick head, and Fletcher didn't play. Personally, I prefer Fletcher in a crunch game like this for the simple reason that idiot doesn't try to show off and doesn't lose the ball as often.

FUCK YOU you cheebai Ronaldo. You lazy showoff bastard who can't play when the team needs you. Only can play when winning like how you helped us destroy Milwall and on Saturday, bloody Portsmouth. All your fucking step-overs and trying to bloody juggle the ball in your own half for fucks ar?

To be fair, we didn't deserve to qualify. Not based on our two performances against Lille and last night, we didn't deserve to do anything. Van Nistelrooy is never a captain material, which is why it was great that Neville got it. O' Shea is a useless dick and Ronaldo is a fucking prick. Luck only helps a team that helps themselves. Manyoo did NOT help themselves last night.

On the bright side, we are still second in the league and playing AWESOME football in the league...

There seems to be a fair bit of jubilation over ManYoo getting knocked out of the Champion's League. My instincts tell me that it's mostly scousers who are celebrating. *tsk tsk tsk*

I tell you what though; as a Chelsea fan I would have preferred to have ManYoo go past the group stage, simply to increase our chances of avoiding an Italian or Spanish club in the round of 16. Fear is not the reason, but rather, it's all about timing. The round of 16 is going to be played at a time when the Italian and Spanish clubs are coming out of their winter break (i.e. nicely rested), whilst all English clubs would have just gone through an exhausting festive period fixture list. So you see, having the Glazer Gimps around increases the possibility of Chelsea dealing with Lyon in the first knockout round, which would be ideal for us, everything considered.

Of course, scousers don't care about such things as they have no country protection in the competition, and could still end up being drawn against Real Madrid followed by Barcelona. How do you like that, scousers?

Oh well, I guess us Chelsea fans should keep our fingers crossed. Not being too arrogant may sway karma to smile kindly on us, and give us Lyon as our next opponents. Let us pray for that.

Toodles

[photo of the losing manager and his assistant taken from Yahoo! news report]

December 07, 2005

..... I've managed to con my way into writing for Petaling Street Hooligans.

Here I will fluant my female rants about footie-ball (not the kind you do under the table at Chilis k!) and my abject, unreasonable adoration for my one and only LIVERPOOL FC who can do abso-fucking-lutely no wrong.

The great, all-seeing, slavemaster, Eyeris whom I will deign to obey as he wields the all-powerful blog-owner veto rights has commanded me to write a short introduction about myself and bitch about 5 players whom I don't like.

I am a bit pressed for time today as I need to rush off to work (again!) so I am just gonna do the introduction today. (Hey! I am even ignoring my own blog for this post!)

I'll do the bitching some other time. Maybe in parts ... so you can enjoy my bitchiness in quaint little installments. =P

So anyway, here I am. My name is Scorkes and yes, I have the dreaded curse of soccer fan-dom. Yes. You know what I am talking about. I am a girl.

Which for some reason, that, in the eyes of most people renders me incapable of being a true fan. To top it off, if I meet someone in a footie chatroom and they find out that I am female ... they make this conclusion:

Female + Passion for Soccer = BUTCH

Whatever la okay... I am with the Reds and I have boobs. Get over yourselves already. =)

Okay, enough crap about me. I've got to shoot off to work so I will be back with more Petaling Street Hooliganism in a bit!

I hate seeing poster boy Beckham everywhere including my own darn campus especially outside the girl’s toilet. I wonder if the girls fantasize about him in the cubicles coz they take so darn long doing their business, making me wait and wait. Imagine them getting a sudden turn off when they start having him speak in their fantasies.

I don’t like Cygan either. Don’t ask me why but the other day during the Bolton game, he looked a bit like a ‘special’ child (pardon me) playing football on the field. Which reminds me, did Gilberto made an accidental pass to the opponent or was I just imagining him as the player in my team who made the wrong pass in Pro Evo Soccer 5. Buzz off Gilberto. You're making the game worse for Arsenal.

Did Ronaldinho take Botox injection? Because he never seems to stop smiling in every match he plays. Maybe it was a Botox gone wrong and hence his facial muscles around the mouth area remained permanently stiff (which is why he looks so smiley every time)

I think Robbie Savage is one of the most hateable (for me) players as of today. He reminds me of the goalkeeper who plays futsal with Naz, who’s always sliding his damn feet when guarding his goal. Of course, Robbie Savage ain’t a keeper but well, they both are just so similar somehow (It’s the face..it’s the attitude). Never mind, I don’t make much sense during PMS-ing periods. How can his supporters admire such an aggressive player like him? Oh, duh…they're his supporters..I forgot. What he does would always be admired by them. Bah!~

Now tell me, is Rafa gay? He looks like a gay from the Rock & Roll era no thanks to that picture posted by Tiger. I hate it when people always confuse Djimi TRAORE and Kolo TOURE…how oh how do you people do that? Just because they both have their last names ending with R-E. You blind fools!

And those people who only support the No.1 team every season should just lock themselves up in their wardrobe with the many team jerseys they have hidden in there. I bet they have, Liverpool, Man U, Arsenal, Chelsea…who’s next? What an all rounder supporter. I bet they're all fake jerseys coz it would cost too much to keep buying new team jerseys everytime a different team wins the league title.

I’m tired…I want to flame more players but I’ve got my limits too, so I’ll leave it for the next round of PMS.

December 06, 2005

FOREWORD BY EYERIS: We'd had a few 'applications' to join Hantu Bola since it was started up, and though we've also added a number of other members already, unfortunately (and I swear I had nothing to do with this) many of the applicants were Liverpool fans.

Tigerjoe and Vincent don't like that.

End of story.

HOWEVER, some of the applicant's HAVE shown pretty good stuff in their er... initiation test posts, including this one by female Liverpool fan Rebecca, who wrote a letter to Michael Owen, and which I thought this was too good NOT to post.

Therefore, although we had to reject her application on because of the sour duo's concern about Scousers flooding Hantu Bola (as well as their jealousy about how most of the REAL female footy fans seem to be Liverpool fans), I decided to reproduce Rebecca's letter here for all to see.(BTW, she also posts a lot on football on her blog Running Around in Circles, so go check it out. :P )

Now, without further ado, here is her (rather long) letter to the shortstuff:

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Dear <PRESIDIO_ANONYMIZED_PERSON>,

I am a Liverpool fan. And no player is bigger than the club except Steven Gerrard because he has a divine right to be bestowed that honour, and I’m glad that you’re gone because for far too long (6 years, half a season and 5 days to be exact), you have been overshadowing our prophetic saviour Gerrard and have not allowed him to flaunt his own phenomenal skills. Also, we wasted 6 years tossing long balls at a midget who could not even run. It makes me laugh seeing teenagers worshipping you and literally drooling at your feet (could be a primary reason as to why you can’t run anymore), I wonder whose help did you acquire in hypnotizing the crème de la crèmes of football, most prominently, the great Gerard Houllier to play you automatically every week even when you were half-crippled?

I’m sorry that we grew over-reliant on your goals, coz you produced such a diminutive and disappointing amount of them, that I am ashamed to admit you’re our first-choice striker. Suffice to say, you were only installed as the first-choice striker because your presence impeded the progress of many others who are more promising than you ever were. I’m totally gutted that it wasn’t Bruno Cheyrou, as he proved to be a shining star in the darkness. However, I shall not waste any more time moaning over that, because we now have the service of Djibril Cisse, who will almost certainly bang in 50 goals per season, at least. (At that time, fans were going on and on about just how great this Cisse guy from Auxerre is, how he was gonna replace Owen as our top scorer, how he can run faster than Henry...and I remember thinking, "If this guy doesn't score 50 goals next season, they'll be chopping up his body into pieces and throwing them into Goodison Park.")

Let’s be honest- you had neither an inch of Robbie (the REAL ‘God’) Fowler’s ability, nor are you capable of outrunning Cisse even if he gave you a 10-minute headstart.No doubt, you managed to win us the FA Cup final single-handedly, the Worthington Cup final (I’m sure the wind needed no persuading in its effort to help you in that task) and rescued us from the jaws of defeat in numerous matches because your persistent promotional deals insured that the rest of the players could look as vibrant as dry wood to allow you to take centre-stage, and still get 1% of your total earnings.

However, I can’t blame all your 158 goals on the intervention of the weather. I must admit that you did show glimpses of what they call ‘world class quality’ as you finished those shots. But that’s where it all ended. Or quite frankly, I should conclude that all the teams you have scored against have been absolute rubbish, and it was always your presence that has been a stumbling block in our pursuit to prove ourselves and win everything in the world. Just look at the stats.

You are confused as to why the Kopites have always only ‘grudgingly admired’ you, you don’t understand why they don’t sing you name. Let me tell you this- you were too shy, too quiet, too clean, too expressionless. Having you on the pitch was like fielding a mouse amongst 21 elephants. Here’s a tip for you: Only by shedding off your image and having a bad public life off the pitch, yelling at and kicking the referees and your opponents as well as making menacing two-footed plunges, will you be able to garner the adulation of the Kop. But too bad for you, your time is up.

I’m grateful that you had lined up quite a few impressive personal accolades, because that was the only reason why Real decided to buy you. And good riddance to you, do you really think you’re qualified to be a ‘galactico’? I think the fact that your 'galactico' stint only lasted for one season (wherein you spent three-quarters of your time warming the bench and reading articles telling you how Wayne Rooney has replaced you as the no 1 England striker) is reason enough to tell you what a terrible and boring player you are. And isn't it ironic that right after YOU left to play for THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD, we won something that I'm sure you would never ever win - the European Cup? Even Djimi Traore (aka Bambi legs) and Igor Biscuit (aka the sleepy biscanator) have European Cup medals! Especially now that you're at Newcastle - the club where every player unrealistically kids themselves with the belief that they'll end up in the Top Four, or even qualify for Europe, for that matter, when strangely enough, they can't even seem to score an open goal when you're not on the field. What exactly have you been feeding them?

I'm sure that you would've read about how the 25000 people who turned up on the day you were unveiled as a Newcastle United player, looking like you and your daughter Gemma were just sent to jail (and maybe leaving Liverpool WAS a criminal offence after all), have now turned their backs on you, saying that you 'select' the games you want to play in and only ever seem to be fit for England. Well, I suppose they're just as delusional as their players. After all, you yourself were never planning to stay there for long. But whatever it is that you told the fans, it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Just like whatever you told us. Too bad it took US 7 years to see through your carefully embellished lies.

So, we will be meeting again on Boxing Day. Don't you think the name of the occasion is quite apt as Newcastle United will be getting boxed by your 'beloved' Liverpool? I wonder if you'll be fit for that game? If you are, then maybe for the first time in your life, YNWA will send a chill down your spine (and we'll make sure we sing it loud enough to HAUNT you), but not for the reasons it does so only to those who are faithful to us. Oh and if you have any more problems with your groin, Carragher will give you a good kick to take care of it for you. Then you'll never get to score another goal again because you don't deserve it. Thanks for the tattered memories, you can shut up now.

P/S: If you plan to send another ‘fax’ to the team before our next game, please do not hesitate to ask Cisse for some goalscoring tips as it would help in your goal-scoring exploits. And maybe, he’ll make you realize what a useless hypocrite you are, and how much we hate you coz you’re nothing but a stupid bluenose.

P/P/S: On second thought, don’t send a fax to them, it might be detrimental to the health of those whose hearts you have won and cheated for 13 brutal years- namely Carragher and Gerrard. Please leave them alone, or you’ll be getting a threat in your postbox soon.

Everyone knows that Roman Abramovich is the benefactor of Chelsea FC, record-breaking champions of the English Premier League. The ultimate dream man of every wannabe tai-tai. That very the handsome photo of Roman, watching over Chelsea fans as they pray before every match, comes from his very own website.

But who are the sugar daddies of the other 19 teams in the EPL?

Every ManYoo fan worth his / her salt should be able to recognise this feller. Malcolm Glazer's red hair and beard almost match the team colours of the club that he owns. Very popular with the fans, especially when he fires a senile Fergie at the end of this season.

The pimp on the right is the one and only "Deadly" Doug Ellis, who at 82 years of age is probably the oldest club owner in the EPL, if not the entire world. Love him or hate him, Villa fans have to put up with this man. He does look like one of the ham sap old men who hit on young chicks at Beach Club or Hard Rock Cafe, doesn't he?

The gentleman who looks like everyone's favourite uncle, towkay of Harrod's, and at one time would-be father-in-law of the late Princess of Wales, Mr. Mohamed Al Fayed, owner of Fulham FC. I still cannot figure out why he can't get PR status in the UK after all these years. Maybe UK Immigration are still sore that his late son went and kao Princess Diana. Maybe he should try kao-ing Queen Elizabeth.

Fat Freddie Shepherd is owner of Newcastle United, a mid-table big club that don't seem to have recovered from losing a lead of 11 points at the top of the league way back in the 1995/96 season. Although berated as an idiot by most tabloid journalists, I think respect is due to any feller who can convince a club like Real Madrid to pay £13.4 million for an injured defender. Respect.

Arsenal don't have a sugar daddy; but whether their fans admit it or not, the club is pwned by an Arab airline company. A bunch of sheikhs dangled some money in front of the Arsenal Board of Directors about a year back, and from next season onwards the Gooners will be playing at the Emirates Stadium.

The other clubs in the EPL don't seem to have very the famous owners, so I don't think it would be worthwhile mentioning any of the other clubs. Then again, I would just like to point out that Liverpool FC fans came very close to having to learn Thai, if a certain gentleman had gotten his way some time back.

Toodles

[photo of Roman The Man comes from his website, all other pics were googled]

December 05, 2005

Let's have a quick show of hands - how many Hantu Bola readers are playing Yahoo! Fantasy Football this season? For the uninitiated, Yahoo! has been organising this free fantasy sports game since 1999 (I think). Some private groups even have side competitions for its members.

If we have at least 20 fanatics, I will open a YFF group and post the group ID and password on this blog. This may be a good way for all the hantus to demonstrate their jeng-ness at fantasy football management.

Yes, yes the new Arsenal guy have been rather quiet. No surprise. It’s because we lost. Well that’s because I’m not in a position to comment as I turned off the TV in disgust after the second goal went in…(Play Pro Evo Soccer 5 with S-Kay also better…)

But what I can say is this. We need a midfielder. Gilberto and Flamini will NEVER cut it no matter how neat and tidy their play is. My cousin playing centreback for our futsal team is also neat and tidy.

We need a match-winner. We need someone to take the game by the scruff of the neck, and unfortunately, none of our midfielders can do that just yet. Cesc probably will in a couple of years but right now his consistency is reflecting that of what he is. An 18 year old. No fault of his.

Lets just hope he stays on with Arsenal when his skills are well developed already...

If only Arsene Wenger reads this blog. If somehow or rather he does…Well then…

PLEASE SIGN US A WORLD CLASS MIDFIELDER, MONSEUR WENGER!!! GATTUSO WOULD BE NICE! MERCI!Mourinho better not be reading this blog or else he might even take Gattuso away.

…Signing Roy Keane should be effectively ruled out. I did say World Class, didn't I? ;P

I'll bet Fergie is going purple in the nose and green in the eyes at this very moment; as his cheeks flare up beyond a deep scarlet. Imagine the steam coing out of Fergie's ears, as a junior gurkha from the ManYoo back office handed him today's news clippings earlier this morning, and the Purple Hair Dryer sees the top item on the list:

WTF!?! KNNMCHCCB!!![Don't ask me how come Sir Alex knows how to curse in a language other than Scottish k, I don't know him that well.]

I'm sure the memories of ManYoo being beaten to the signature of Arjen Robben, and failing to actually bring Jon Mikel Obi to the Theatre of Dreams, will just add to the purpleness that is Fergie's cheeks and nose. *mwahahahahaha*

Seriously though, is it any wonder that while other clubs have to get in line and submit applications in writing to buy another club's star player, Chelsea and Real Madrid actually get invited to make an offer. That, my friends, is called The Datin Treatment.

While all the other peasants like you and me have to wake up early and queue outside Isetan before 10 a.m. for the Members' Sale, certain people (i.e. usually Datins) get invitation cards and are allowed in through a separate entrance without queueing. This is what we refer to as The Datin Treament, but don't take the previous example word-for-word lahdey. Of course I had to change the name of the business enterprise, to protect people's interests.

The point is, there are football clubs on this planet that will get special treatment when it comes to buying players. The list is very exclusive and very short though, and for now only includes Chelsea FC, Real Madrid and Bolton Wanderers. I'm serious, Bolton gets invited to make an offer for all other clubs' players who are approaching 40 and planning to retire.

December 01, 2005

I may have pissed off a fair few people recently, especially Liverpool supporters. In order to prevent karma from coming round and biting me in the backside, I think perhaps some humility is called for. Especially since Liverpool actually won by two clear goals on the same evening I took the mickey on their last premiership trip to the Stadium of Light.

No more gloating then, lest the long arm of karma comes around and whacks Chelsea FC with a big, big stick. With nails sticking out of the painful end. *very the ouch*

I beseech Chelsea FC fans all over the place to not get too cocky; even if we are playing Middlesbrough this weekend. Tease them not for shipping 20 goals in 14 matches. Let us instead bow our heads down, and pray for our beloved Chelsea FC.

Our godfather who art in the directors' box,Roman be thy name.Thy empire comes, points will be won,away, as they are at the Bridge.Give the players their wages,and forgive the goals conceded,as we score a hell of a lot more than we let in.And lead us not into relegation,but deliver us from cracked trophies.For the league, the cup and all the trophies are belong to us,now and forever.