I am a 30-year-old gay man, reflecting on a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and the ongoing pursuit of embracing my true, authentic self. During my high school years, I experienced secret feelings of love for my guy best friend, a time filled with confusion and unspoken emotions. His sudden departure after our first semester of college left me with unresolved feelings that added to the complexity of my self-discovery. Concurrently, I dated my female best friend for six years, from high school through college. However, it was only after college, as she prepared to pursue her master's program, that I found the courage to come out and accept my true sexuality.

My path has been marked by challenges and setbacks that have shaped me. During college, my father's DUI arrest led to my parents' divorce, and his drinking habit caused financial strain for our entire family. I found myself loaning my father money, only to have him put my beloved car, a gift from my uncle for my 16th birthday, up as collateral on a loan. I suddenly lost my cherished car, a symbol of my independence, and was left with the burden of financial struggles. I commuted to college in my grandfather's ram 1500 truck, feeling the weight of my circumstances.

In my current chapter, I work for my boyfriend's family business, where he assumes the role of my boss. While I yearn to explore dominance and introduce versatility in our sexual dynamic, he firmly embraces his dominant role, making it challenging for me to express my desires. I strive to navigate effective communication of my emotions and needs while respecting the boundaries in our relationship. I can't help but compare my achievements to those of my boyfriend; he owns a home, boasts a nice vehicle, and is a successful business owner with substantial investments. I feel financially behind and lesser than him, and my current job doesn't provide an obvious path to catching up since they control my income.

Financially, I contribute to our household expenses by covering my insurances, cell phone, gas, and shopping. My boyfriend generously takes care of most bills and utilities, providing some relief. Although I recently paid off my auto loan, I yearn for the sense of pride and confidence I felt when I owned my cherished BMW 328i. I had purchased it from my uncle, who had also gifted me my first car for my 16th birthday. The loss of my BMW due to pressure from my mom's ex-boyfriend and expensive repairs felt like losing a piece of my independence once again. Now, with my savings of about $8,000 and my renegade paid off, I still can't help but worry about my lack of retirement savings and the feeling of financial uncertainty. Recently my father just called and told me he was making almost double my pay and now I feel horrible. He’s had multiple duis and has for all intents-and-purposes, at times, “ruined” my life. He didn’t even go to college and I did and had to persevere through everything that was made difficult because of him to end up not being as financially successful. It feels like the universe hates me and has slapped me in the face.

Despite the challenges and setbacks I've endured, including the loss of my guy best friend during college and the timing of my coming out, I remain hopeful and determined. I grapple with feelings of inadequacy and the pressure of financial instability. However, I am committed to forging a path toward financial stability and emotional fulfillment. It's a journey of self-acceptance, love, and the pursuit of a brighter future, where I can reclaim the confidence and pride that I once knew.

I’ve been crying today and upset for a month about the dominance stuff. I’m having a hard time coping and I’m not sure how to feel better. I don’t want to make anything worse with my boyfriend or make him feel guilty because in a sense he has the power to “fix” all of my issues.