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Part 2: People Hide Their True Selves | Intro:
Nonverbal Communication
In Part 1, we learned to develop empathy, manage toxic types, control our own nature, and make people
like us. In Part 2, we’ll look at how to continue developing these skills when faced with people who hide their
true selves.
Humans communicate both verbally and nonverbally, but we tend to focus on words, which often
don’t accurately (intentionally or not) represent our emotions. In fact, 65% of our communication is
nonverbal, and body language usually more accurately communicates what we’re feeling than words. Most
of us, however, only manage to read about 5% of nonverbal communication cues.
In this introduction, we’ll learn how to read nonverbal cues to find out what people are really thinking and
feeling, even if they’re trying to hide it. Then, in subsequent laws, we’ll look at some of the things they might
be hiding.
How to Read People
Reading people’s nonverbal cues isn’t just a matter of noticing what their bodies and voices are doing. You
have to actually feel the same physical cues in yourself to empathize viscerally.
For example, when psychologist Milton Erickson saw one of his sisters tense her neck, to figure out
what she was feeling, he had to tense his neck too. Only then did he realize her tension was caused
by her discomfort in his presence.
Learning to read people involves learning two sub-skills:
Skill #1: Observation
We all learned observation as children when we relied on other people to help us survive but
couldn’t yet talk. Around age five, however, the skill started to languish because we had gained some
independence from our parents and could focus on ourselves as a separate entity—we acquired new,
attention-needing problems, and didn’t have the mental bandwidth for anyone other than ourselves.
There are some dos and don’ts of observation:
Dos
1. Start small or else you'll overwhelm yourself. Don’t try to read the whole body at once.
For example, in a conversation, try to identify just one or two facial expressions that indicate that a
person’s words aren’t giving the whole picture. Do this with multiple people, and only after you’ve
gotten used to the face, move on to the voice and other body language. Write down the patterns you
notice.
2. Focus only on observation. Don’t try to interpret what you notice, and especially don’t try to describe
your thoughts in words.
3. People watch. Go to a public place and observe people. This exercise will allow you to watch people
without having to maintain a conversation at the same time. Guess things about people based on what you
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see, such as their personality or profession.
4. Be subtle. Use only peripheral glances to spot clues. You’ll make people uncomfortable if you stare at
them.
5. Encourage people to talk. Mirror them or respond with something that proves you’re listening. The
longer they talk, the more they’ll communicate nonverbally.
6. Establish a baseline. When you’re studying a certain person, watch her interact with a variety of people
to figure out her default emotion. Then, pay attention to changes from this baseline.
(Shortform example: If a normally cheerful person is smiling, that doesn’t tell you much. If a normally
neutral person is smiling, however, that probably indicates emotion.)
7. Study the cues of a known emotion. When someone is about to do an action that most people feel the
same way about (for example, most people get nervous before exams), look at what their bodies and voices
are doing and file these cues under things people do when they’re nervous.
8. Watch out for mixed signals. A mixed signal is a discrepancy between words and nonverbal cues.
Nonverbal communication more strongly reflects negative than positive emotions, so when you see
conflicting signals, assume the negative emotion is what the person is actually feeling.
For example, if someone acts happy to see you, but you detect tension in her voice, she’s probably
more uncomfortable than happy.
9. Remember that all behavior is a form of communication. Clothing choices, silences, possessions—all
of this communicates something.
10. Notice your own nonverbal communication. This will make you more likely to notice other people’s
cues and the emotions that prompted them. You’ll also improve your control of your own cues.
As you practice, you’ll improve at multitasking conversation and observation and you’ll notice more and
more cues. You’ll start to physically anticipate and feel other people’s emotions.
Don’ts
There are some common observational mistakes to avoid:
1. Don’t assign cues to emotions universally. Different people may use the same nonverbal cue to
express different emotions.
For example, one person may speak louder when they’re excited; another may do the exact same
cue when they’re upset and have a completely different cue when they’re excited.
2. Don’t let your biases sneak in. If you like someone, you’ll be inclined to interpret all of their cues as
positive.
3. Avoid Othello’s error, which is a type of bias in which you correctly match the cue to the emotion, but
incorrectly guess the source of the emotion because you’re predisposed to attribute it to something in
particular.
For example, in the play Othello, Othello questions his wife about adultery. She’s nervous during the
conversation, which he assumes means she’s cheated on him, but in fact, she’s nervous because his
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questioning is so aggressive and intimidating.
4. Don’t be taken in by display rules. Different cultures have different ideas of what’s socially acceptable,
and people’s behavior may stem from these rules.
Skill #2: Interpretation
Now that you’re starting to see nonverbal cues, it’s time to figure out what they mean. Here are some cues
associated with common emotions:
Like
The following cues often indicate that someone likes you:
Relaxing of the face, especially the forehead and mouth areas
Blood rushing to the face in the case of love
Genuine smiling, which widens the eyes and pulls the cheeks up, and is usually a response to
something. Fake smiling can affect the eyes if the smile is broad, but is often mistimed.
Relaxed lips
Opening of the area around the eyes by raising eyebrows, widening eyes, and dilating pupils
Voice pitches higher and has a purring quality, and there’s no hesitation or tension
Standing closer to you
Loose arms
Nodding while you’re talking
Mirroring: At its most extreme, the other person matches your breathing.
Use this knowledge to:
Recognize these cues when they’re directed at you. This will tell you who likes you, which is valuable
knowledge because it’s easiest to influence people who like you.
Direct these cues at others to make them like you. People tend to like those who like them.
Dislike
The following cues often indicate dislike:
Squinting when you say something
Rolling the eyes when you talk about a strong opinion
Crossing the arms when you make a good point
Going quiet
Frowning or sneering while looking down
Glaring
Pursing the lips
Tensing the neck
Turning the body or feet away
Tension throughout the body
Avoiding you or responding slowly to your emails
It’s harder to notice the dislike cues than like cues for two reasons:
Most people don’t like conflict, and they don’t like to think about people not liking them. Even if
you do notice the cues or feel that something’s wrong, you tend to ignore your observations.
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People often try to hide their dislike because it’s not socially appropriate. (People do
sometimes hide the like cues as well because it lets the other person know they’re influenceable.)
To compensate for these difficulties, keep in mind the following:
1. People are more likely to show these cues as part of a microexpression, which is an expression that
appears for less than a second. These expressions come out either when someone isn’t aware of what
they’re feeling, or when they’re trying to quash it but don’t quite manage. (It’s very hard to control the facial
muscles.) To notice microexpressions, use your peripheral vision.
For example, King Louis XIV would sneak up on people to see how they reacted to his presence when
they didn’t have a chance to prepare their faces in advance.
2. People might give one of these cues as part of a mixed signal. This is because the tension between
maintaining a polite exterior but maintaining secret tension is uncomfortable, and the negative part of the
mixed signal allows for the release of tension.
(Shortform example: Someone might glare at you while complimenting you.)
3. People might say something general but direct it at you personally via body language.
For example, in The Charterhouse of Parma, a prince talks to Count Mosca about love. However, while
the conversation is general, the prince’s eye glints and he smiles in a way that suggests everything
he’s saying is specifically about the count.
4. People might indicate their dislike by using words, such as sarcasm, but accompany their speech
with positive body language. If this happens multiple times, you should consider the words.
5. People might give off a lot of these cues because their baseline is more negative than average.
Compare how they are with you to how they act with others—if they don’t treat you any differently, they
probably don’t dislike you.
Make sure you see signs of hostility multiple times before deciding that someone dislikes you. If you
have concerns, you can even try to provoke dislike cues. For example, if you think someone is envious of
you, talk about a recent success (without bragging) and look for microexpressions.
Use this knowledge to catch hostility early and take any of the following steps to mitigate any danger:
Goad the hostile person into some embarrassing action that harms their platform and reach.
Work hard to get them to like you.
Avoid them.
Dominance
Dominance is almost entirely communicated nonverbally because while human social evolution has
resulted in the formation of hierarchy, nobody likes acknowledging this structure or their relative position.
The following cues demonstrate confidence and power, or a desire for power. (If someone doesn’t have
power yet but displays all the cues, there’s a good chance they’ll get power because the cues attract others.)
Relaxed body and face
Slight closing of the eyelids
Making frequent eye contact
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Less frequent smiling
Smiling tightly in response to something said
Touching people, such as back pats
Tall posture
Taking up physical space in a meeting and creating space around themselves
Arriving late
Punctuating (when there’s an argument, they’ll find a way to make it look like the other person
started it)
Showing feelings such as boredom and annoyance
Being imitated by others
In couples, the dominant partner might pay attention to others but not to the partner.
In couples, one partner might do something negative (like drinking or faking an illness) to force
sympathy and help from the other.
Men, in particular, feel entitled to control conversations, walk with purposeful strides, have a strong
handshake, and have a tall posture.
Women in leadership positions exhibit a businesslike but still warm expression that’s also calm and
confident. As more women come into power, these characteristics may be more universally
associated with power.
For example, German chancellor Angela Merkel keeps her face still while listening to others,
doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t smile too much, and uses her expression to attack people instead of
her words.
People who have power but are scared to lose it exhibit the following cues:
Speaking with tension or hesitation
High-pitched voices
Talking animatedly without moving the body
Frequent blinking and controlled eye movements
Nervous wide eyes
Fake smiling and laughing
Touching themselves to calm themselves
Being over assertive to cover up insecurity
Giving off mixed signals
For example, French president Nicolas Sarkozy interrupted people and patted them on the
back, but he was unable to control the nervous twitch of his foot.
Use this knowledge to:
Identify up-and-coming leaders who have positive energy and associate yourself with them.
Avoid arrogant, power-hungry people.
Gain power by taking advantage of insecure people’s weaknesses. (This can backfire though—if they
go down, sometimes they’ll drag you with them.)
Deception
Humans are inherently gullible because we want to believe that nice-sounding things—such as that all
people are good—are true.
People purposefully use the following cues to try to distract you from whatever it is they’re really feeling and
thinking:
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Overanimation, such as smiling frequently, joking, and being very friendly
Expressing conviction
Expressing mixed signals in which one part of the body is expressive but other parts are tense. The
face and mouth are easiest to control, so this is often the animated part, but the animation can also
be gesturing.
Freezing when questioned
The best deceivers are aware of the above cues and do the opposite by:
Stilling their faces and acting serious
Giving logical explanations
Acting competent
Being boring
For example, Victor Lustig, a master con artist, would bore his marks with details about bonds
and securities.
To compensate for these difficulties, pay attention to which nonverbal cues accompany specific
words and speech because it’s hard to get the timing right. For example, someone might shake their fist
in anger but do it slightly before or after they would actually be feeling the emotion if it were real.
Use your knowledge of deception cues to:
Ignore white lies. White lies are low stakes and a part of social convention (it would be rude to be
honest all the time). It’s best to just ignore this kind of deception because finding out the truth would
only hurt your feelings.
Avoid falling for cons. If you think you’re being deceived, the best thing to do is to let the deceiver
keep telling their story so that you have more time to look for nonverbal cues. Then, ask an
uncomfortable question and look for microexpressions.