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Facing Reality at 37, A Hard Truth I Can't Outrun(or Out Hike)
Quadzilla Hikes
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36,158 views  Jan 9, 2025
Follow for live updates on Instagram @Quadzillahikes at:   / quadzillahikes  

See my full thru-hiking gear list and gear review at https://www.couchtotrail.com/blog/cal...

The best way to get ahold of me is via messages on Instagram.

Check out my website for tons more fitness, nutrition, and gaming content: http://www.thehealthygamer.com
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Chapters
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Intro
0:00
Diagnosis
0:28
Losing Motivation
2:19
Trail Experiences
4:38
Transcript

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Quadzilla Hikes
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@backpackingcapebreton
2 weeks ago
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” - J. Krishnamurti
36
Reply
@toddgallagher4878
4 weeks ago
Talking about these issues is extremely brave. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about this. It helps more than you know. 
52
Reply
1 reply
@austinfaccone4001
3 hours ago
Dude you’re doing great in my eyes, you’re healthy and able to self reflect like this. I see a search for purpose in you. You will find it. Stop giving so much energy to the existential dread rectangle and I guarentee you will feel more clarity mentally.
2
Reply
@colbypark1311
4 weeks ago
Well done Jack. You aren't alone and we are all here to help support. Thank you for your vulnerability. I loved your line, "I've tried everything I can do on my own and its not working. I need to see what other kinds of therapies and help are out there."

At some point we all have to come to the realization that we can't do everything on our own and we need help in life. Again, thanks for being willing to share what many many of us are also dealing with. You are allowing others to open up and share their struggles by being willing to share yours.
Read more
23
Reply
@WalkthePlanets
4 weeks ago
It's hard to feel okay in a world that is in chaos and built on exploitation. A lot of people in this world that I work with are simply aware of the true nature of things. The suffering that extends around the globe is a palpable energy. More and more people, like you and I who are aligned with nature, are feeling all of this first. Spending time alone and being addicted to the phone only seems to make it worse. I appreciate you sharing. Know that you are understood, seen, and definitely not too out of the ordinary. You speaking up for this allows others to experience themselves more clearly. Diagnosis are noticing symptoms, there is always an underlying cause. Don't let diagnosis define you, understand that you body and mind are trying to tell you something. Your videos are awesome and I love your spirit and energy. You don't have to do anything to have purpose. Perhaps you are just burnt out my friend. I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Limits are important. You are finding a beautiful part of yourself now. <3
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29
Reply
@aerynrowe5574
4 weeks ago
Medication is nothing to be ashamed of, thank you for being open online, it reduces stigma for the rest of us
90
Reply
2 replies
@suzanne5961
4 weeks ago
I'm sorry you are struggling. Recognizing your behavioral patterns and their progression seems like a huge step forward.  May your journey to good mental health be as successful as your journey to good physical health has been. Happy that you are taking care of yourself.  Keep up the good work because you are totally worth it!
16
Reply
@albeit1
1 day ago
My random guy diagnosis is you have bouts of depression. 

The mania I am not convinced of. You described yourself as being COMPETENT when you started the gym. You succeeded.

I grew up with a mom who was bipolar. I know she was the last one capable of detecting when she was manic. 

I once spent DAYS trying to talk her into getting to the local psychiatric center. My dad had to go to a motel. 

Years later, we found our half brother. He grew up in England and was undiagnosed. Even after he found out our mother’s history, the NHS STILL resisted diagnosing him with bipolar.

But I could tell he was manic over the phone. He kept saying he was going to come visit and just go to the airport and try to get a ticket there. It felt very familiar.

You didn’t mention a formal diagnosis. I’m glad you have an appointment.
Read more
3
Reply
@1972jbk
4 weeks ago (edited)
I’ve always admired your courage taking on long thru hikes, and now I admire your courage to open up about this. I have struggled with depression since I was a kid. I understand how you feel. Know that you are not alone.
8
Reply
@ayeshacording2862
4 weeks ago
Talking to you on trail and getting to listen to you on your videos it always just blows me away with your honesty and depth around living and why you do things and how you can reflect and change to be more comfortable with the person you are. I always say I wish I got to talk to you more while we were hiking, but I’m so glad to see that you are making these shifts in order to make sense of the world even without hiking or perhaps hiking in a way that feels less disruptive. Something I’ve been thinking a lot about too as I get older. Beautiful work man.
3
Reply
@paulalee9324
4 weeks ago
This took a lot of courage. Your first AT thru hike got me addicted to watching ppl thru hike the AT. My mother and my son-in-law were diagnosed with Bi-Polar and I am a marriage and family therapist so I help ppl with this diagnosis.  I’m glad you’re seeking help from multiple sources. I’m a believer in mind, body and spirit applications, with grounding in a belief in God, not pushing Christianity on you. I wish you well on your journey.
4
Reply
@loganwanders
4 weeks ago
Vulnerability is so valuable. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Looking forward to following your journey and wishing you the best moving forward. Hope this year is full of growth and joy and healing.
6
Reply
@BeautifulBCHomes
2 days ago
Hey man. I got diagnosed with bp2 when I was 30. Getting the diagnosis and meds was the best thing that ever happened to me. The sleeps are the best part. I had success with Lamotrigine
5
Reply
@cielleighton
3 weeks ago
If we all told the truth about our lives, we'd set each other free.
5
Reply
@josephramsey5116
4 weeks ago
Thanks for sharing your struggles. This is the only way to beat the stigma. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety a few years ago, but I've suffered from it my entire life. I waited waaaay too long to get professional help, and I commend you for taking that step. Unfortunately, psych meds get a bad wrap, but for me, they were a game changer. It took me awhile to find the right med combo, but once I did, I couldn't believe I was attempting to live without them.  Good luck brother.
3
Reply
@KevinHaldeman-wr1ut
4 weeks ago
Quadzilla...you have a brave soul...get the care to help you grow, heal and prosper...your videos are an inspiration to many who watch them...good luck!
4
Reply
@kristymoore7052
4 weeks ago
Aww, I just want to hug you. My 30 something son has the same. He medicates himself with cannabis, sometimes alcohol, alcohol not good. Where he shines is BACKPACKING and nature, it seems to reset and calm things, one never knows what triggers what. What is unique to you is that you are obviously a talented and amazing person and have already accomplished amazing things, but most important is you.
2
Reply
@outsideupside
4 weeks ago
Fellow BP2er here. So glad you've gotten a diagnosis and are starting down the path to a healthier, more stable life. Looking forward to following your journey!
3
Reply
@TakingOverWorld
3 weeks ago
I met you briefly on the PCT in 2022. I had my first manic/psychotic episode related to BPII disorder soon thereafter. It happened at age 38. Currently on meds for it. Stay safe and good on you for acknowledging it
4
Reply
@wolfeadventures
4 weeks ago
Takes a lot of courage to address this and I think this will help others. Wishing you health.
5
Reply
 
 
 
 
In this video
Timeline
Chapters
Transcript
Intro
0:00
hey Happy New Year's everybody so this
0:01
video I'm going to share something
0:02
pretty personal it's a hard truth that I
0:04
haven't wanted to admit to myself it's
0:06
been debating whether I really want to
0:08
make this public but ultimately I think
0:10
these types of videos are the most
0:12
helpful because it shows the true you
0:15
know the true Human Experience you know
0:17
everything is not always amazing and I
0:20
think that is really helpful for people
0:21
to see the whole breath of The Human
0:24
Experience instead of being in this
0:26
bubble online where it looks like
0:27
everyone is having an incredible time
Diagnosis
0:29
all the time time and then you wonder
0:31
like what's wrong with you I've
0:32
suspected for years that I probably
0:35
could be diagnosed as bipolar 2 with
0:38
hypomania and depression but it's
0:40
something that I've like not really
0:42
wanted to think about especially the
0:44
medication part like I've been pretty um
0:47
averse to just medications of any kind
0:51
but over the last couple of years as
0:52
I've really done a lot more meditation a
0:54
lot more introspection um a lot more
0:56
self-work I really first had to confront
0:59
the fact that there's something very
1:01
deep within that I just don't feel okay
1:05
most of the time I don't feel okay so my
1:08
experience over Christmas and New Year
1:10
has really showed me like okay this is
1:12
time I've got to I've got to do
1:14
something about this I've got to take
1:15
care of it so over Christmas I went down
1:18
to peepe and had a really nice time down
1:21
there um you know beautiful beaches and
1:25
just really relaxing saw one of the most
1:27
beautiful sunsets of my life on Ray
1:29
Beach
1:30
and um you know I had like a ton of
1:32
energy I was very hopeful about my life
1:35
everything you know everything was going
1:37
really well and I just felt great came
1:39
back around New Year's and I just
1:40
completely it was like one day and I
1:43
lost all of my energy lost all of my
1:45
motivation my drive um anxiety went from
1:48
like a zero to where I could go talk to
1:51
anybody to like a 100 where I didn't
1:53
want to get out of the house like I
1:54
started ordering um food from grab
1:57
because I didn't want to walk outside to
2:00
go get food and that was just such a
2:02
dramatic 180 shift and then my sleep
2:05
schedule went out the window I uh within
2:08
a week went from having a normal sleep
2:11
schedule to staying up until 4:00 or 5
2:13
in the morning doing nothing just being
2:15
um glued and addicted to my phone and
2:17
then sleeping until 4: 5 6:00 p.m. in
Losing Motivation
2:20
the afternoon so it was really crazy how
2:22
things just flipped and then I was
2:23
having to move out of my old room and
2:25
into this new room so I said all right
2:27
here's a good opportunity I'm just going
2:28
to stay up all night and instead of
2:30
going to bed at 5:00 a.m. I'm just I'll
2:31
stay up um drink some coffee and then
2:34
stay up all day and then reset my sleep
2:36
schedule and it was that day where
2:40
everything flipped again like I felt
2:43
energized I felt confident I was like
2:46
that day after having had no sleep I
2:49
went and did Muay Thai I went to like an
2:52
ice bath all these things that just the
2:54
day prior the the week prior I was so
2:57
not motivated to do have no energy no
2:59
desire to do that really is just all
3:01
classic symptoms of manic depression of
3:04
U bipolar type 2 cuz I don't I don't get
3:07
um full-on Mania you know it's not to
3:09
the point where I'm doing like
3:11
delusional psychotic things I don't have
3:14
a break with reality but I definitely if
3:17
I look back on my life um I have so many
3:21
moments about once or twice a year I'll
3:22
have like a month or two or three of uh
3:26
just hypomania where I'm just so full of
3:28
energy like I have trouble sleeping lot
3:30
that's why my sleep schedule is always
3:32
messed up it seems like because when I'm
3:34
in like a hypomanic state then I really
3:38
have trouble falling asleep so then my
3:40
my wake up gets pushed out later and
3:41
later and later and then if I'm
3:43
depressed then I'm just wanting to sleep
3:44
all day so neither of those situations
3:47
am I getting like good consistent sleep
3:50
if I just look back at some of the
3:52
things that I've done like in one
3:53
episode I I think it was 27 or 28 at the
3:55
time is when I decided to open a gym and
3:58
just had so much energy that I managed
4:01
to do it all on my own uh 2500t CrossFit
4:04
gym all on my own I was working 5:00
4:07
a.m. until like 9:00 at night and I I
4:10
did it brand new gym opened it up myself
4:13
3 months had like 45 members and then I
4:15
crashed super super hard into depression
4:17
where I literally I was like you know I
4:20
don't I'm just not going to go in I
4:22
don't care I'll just let it all fall
4:23
apart because that's how little energy
4:25
that I had and I had to uh ended up
4:28
selling it to some friends that a just a
4:30
massive loss and you know it was really
4:33
a horrible experience that took me years
4:35
to recover from cuz I felt like such a
Trail Experiences
4:38
failure yeah just looking at my trail
4:40
experiences like starting out um every
4:42
Trail like I'm like so happy so full of
4:44
energy so full of life and then towards
4:46
the end of the trails is when I flip
4:48
over into depression and I think what I
4:50
like about Trail is even if I am
4:52
depressed um or you know not hypomanic
4:55
anymore I can still continue it's it's
4:57
easy enough it's simple enough that all
4:58
I got to do is pack up and walk and I
5:01
think that's part of why I've liked it
5:02
so much is because instead of feeling
5:04
like a failure like with my gym or these
5:06
other business Endeavors all these other
5:08
things that I've started when I've been
5:09
in like a more manic state was full of
5:12
energy then when I lose that state I
5:14
can't continue anymore but with the
5:16
trail at least I can still continue and
5:18
I can finish and I don't feel like um
5:20
you know like I've just totally failed
5:23
so yeah looking back on my life I can
5:24
see the cycle play out over and over and
5:27
over again and to be honest like it's
5:29
getting worse um my periods of feeling
5:33
okay are just getting less and less and
5:36
it seems I'm either spending time in a
5:39
deep depression or in a time of being
5:42
Manic and there isn't too much
5:44
steadiness in between so I've set up an
5:46
appointment with the psychiatrist out
5:47
here and I'm going to go see if there
5:49
are you know what the treatments are
5:51
what the medication options are yeah I
5:53
really do feel like like this can't
5:54
continue like I'm doing everything I'm
5:56
meditating one to two hours a day I'm
5:58
exercising every day am eating well and
6:01
still life is such a struggle so I've
6:04
tried everything I can do on my own and
6:05
it's not working and I need to see what
6:08
other kinds of therapies and help are
6:10
out there so I've decided this year I'm
6:12
just going to focus it on my health I'm
6:13
not going to do any long hikes I'm just
6:16
going to spend probably most of my time
6:17
over here in Asia because there really
6:18
is an abundance of kind of Wellness
6:21
Resources um I found a really cool uh
6:24
watt a temple out near the Burma border
6:28
um on the Thailand side I'm not going
6:29
into myamar um but it's yeah it's out
6:32
between pi and Mayan son and it's a
6:34
really cool Temple um looks like
6:36
beautiful nature and you can just show
6:38
up and do like a 10 12 14 21 day however
6:41
long you want of course and uh I'm going
6:44
to go do that in February I'm going to
6:46
go over to Indonesia and do a yoga
6:48
retreat that's something I've wanted to
6:49
really learn for a long time how to
6:51
actually do yoga it's really going to
6:52
focus this year on bringing myself to a
6:54
place where I'm okay so that is one
6:56
thing with through hikes they are so
6:58
disruptive of your life if feels like
7:00
especially if you're doing multiple
7:01
hikes feels like I'm either always on a
7:03
hike or like recovering and trying to
7:05
get ready for the next hike and there is
7:07
really no stability in that kind of
7:10
lifestyle and it makes it um pretty
7:12
chaotic and it's it's difficult to find
7:15
balance in that lifestyle so yeah I'll
7:17
probably try and make a video about once
7:18
a week talk about how this kind of
7:20
Health journey is going talk about
7:21
mental health um those sorts of topics
7:24
cuz I think it is important cuz I think
7:25
from an outside Observer you might think
7:27
my life is just incredible I get to
7:29
travel Trel and do whatever I want but
7:31
uh yeah I still struggle quite a lot so
7:33
I want to talk about that and just share
7:35
share The Human Experience and and talk
7:37
about these struggles that I think we
7:39
all struggle with and um kind of share
7:42
what's what's working for me what isn't
7:44
um what's you know what's going on so
7:47
yeah thanks for watching um hopefully I
7:49
can get a handle on these things and
7:52
just start putting things out more
7:53
consistently that's one part of the deep
7:56
depression is I just have zero energy
7:59
motiv desire to work uh to do any sort
8:03
of work and then that makes me feel even
8:05
worse so um I'm hopeful that I'm on a
8:10
good path now that I can get things
8:13
sorted through and that I can uh figure
8:16
out so I will keep you all updated
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read transcript and give me short sammary