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Assistant: Title: That G@d-D@mn@d Man
        Author: Linzorz Linzorz 
        Chapter: 5/26 
        Summary: An alternate version of the show in which Chloe Decker, being the detective that she is, makes a crucial realization early in her partnership with Lucifer Morningstar that prompts her to take a more thoughtful approach to their interactions. This one subtle change sets off a chain reaction of events that soon has far-reaching consequences for their developing relationship and for everyone around them.Canon divergence for Season 1, starting at the end of 1x05 ‘Sweet Kicks’ and continuing until… well, you’ll see.
        Contents: Chapter 5: It Gets Worse
    

    


      
        
          Time to earn that "canon-typical dumbassery" tag
      
  

  
  
    
    Chloe woke up with a stiff neck and the worst headache of her life. A plush black blanket covered her haphazardly, only marginally mitigating her whole-body malaise. Memories of the night before stabbed into her brain along with rays of eye-burning sunlight and the dissonant screeching of traffic below.The key. Dan’s fingerprints. Whiskey. A lot of whiskey. Some very sincere offers of forcible skeletal rearranging that Chloe would have to pretend not to remember so that she wouldn’t have to arrest the man who’d made the offers. A trip up the elevator while Chloe gave an epic monologue covering every grievance she could remember since she’d met the two-faced rat b@st@rd douche of an ex-husband. She thought she might even remember Lucifer applauding at the end.Upstairs in the penthouse. More higher-than-top-shelf liquor that had gone down way too easy while Lucifer had sat at the piano and serenaded her with an improvised song called… “Douche Canoe Without A Paddle”? She’d tried to turn it into a duet…She scrunched her eyes closed and whimpered.“Well, look who’s awake!”Chloe flailed an arm in the direction of the evil voice. “Shhhhh!”Lucifer set a mug and a flask on the table next to her. He was wearing a silk robe and almost certainly nothing else. “Triple espresso, or hair of the dog?” he offered.Words were too hard, so she just whined pathetically and pulled the wonderful soft blanket over her face.“Right—both!” She heard liquid pouring and the scr@pe of the mug being pushed closer.“Wh’time’s’t,” she complained.“Not to worry, Detective. I’ve already informed your Lieutenant that you’ll be out sick today.” He settled himself into the next seat over. “Speaking of which, the Douche sent a reply to your texts.”Impossibly, Chloe’s headache got even worse. She fumbled in the direction of the table until her hand found the spiked espresso, and only then did she risk sitting up. The movement shifted the blanket, letting in far too much chilly early-morning air despite the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, so she gathered it up around her waist. She glared at the sunny landscape over the rim of the mug. “Why’m I outside? On a… on a… lounge chair?” The texture of it pressed uncomfortably into her skin, so she shifted a little to relieve it.“You don’t remember? You were sleeping on the couch, then you came into my bedroom, threw your pillow at my head, shouted ‘It’s too hot in this five-star hellhole!’, and stormed out onto the balcony for some cool night air.”Chloe groaned.“It’s probably for the best,” he continued. “You snore, you know. Like an Albanian field wench.”She sipped her drink until her brain rebooted enough to function. Why was she so chilly? Then, the most disturbing of Lucifer’s recent comments pinged a notification in her brain. “…You used my phone?”“Yes, and you’re welcome.”“No. Do not use my phone. Get your own phone.”“But—”She was playing with fire, but she was too hungover to deal with this without the magic fix-Lucifer word. “Annoying,” she grumbled. “S’annoying to use my phone without asking.”As hoped (and feared), this perked him right up. “Ah! Of course—I’ll add it to the list.”“Great,” she replied, deadpan. She sipped down some more of the drink and grimaced. “Ughh. Why did I let you get me so drunk?”“In my defense, darling, you insisted on trying to keep up with me. It’s not my fault you only have a human metabolism.”She eyeballed him, bright-eyed and chipper despite having drunk considerably more than her the night before. “And what’s your secret? A bionic liver, or something?”He laughed. “Or something. Come on, let’s get you some brekky. Perhaps I could finally convince you to take advantage of my extraordinary skill at making omelets?”She considered this. “I think I might throw up.”“Nonsense! It’ll be just the thing. Some bacon on the side? …Or maybe some sausage?” he added with a wink. “I’d be happy to give you any meat you desire.”“I’m too hungover for this,” she groaned. She hauled herself up from the lounge chair and glared at him through a tangled lock of hair that had fallen in front of her face. She swatted it out of the way. “Where’s your bathroom?”Lucifer didn’t answer. He wasn’t looking at her anymore. No, wait, he was—he just wasn’t looking at her face. His gaze was somewhere below her waist and dropping lower. “Well, good morning, Detective!” he said, a pleased smile spreading across his face.Oh. Oh, no.Chloe looked down—barely necessary, since she already knew what she was going to see (a pair of blue print cotton panties below her shirt and not much else)—and snatched the blanket to wrap it around her waist.“I was… hot.”“You certainly are,” Lucifer agreed with a gleam in his eye, although at least he was looking at her face again. “And for the record, I always approve of you making yourself as comfortable as possible when you’re here.”Chloe grumbled wordlessly and pulled the blanket tighter. “Bathroom?”“Yes, of course.” Lucifer hopped to his feet and held out a hand. “Right this way.”One shower later, and feeling considerably more human, Chloe sat at Lucifer’s bar with a plate full of breakfast and read through her recent message history. Her texts to Dan from the night before took her a few swipes to scroll the whole way through, and got increasingly incoherent—the last few were just strings of angry emojis—but the intent was clear: she wanted a divorce, and for Dan to go to Hell.“I don’t actually have any control over that, I’m sorry to say.” She looked up to find Lucifer reading over her shoulder. “Humans send themselves to Hell if they feel guilty enough. Although I daresay your thorough scolding may well have done the trick.”“It’s generally considered rude to read people’s texts without asking.”“Is it?” He was still staring at her phone’s screen. “Ooh, I didn’t see that one last night. My goodness, Detective! Such language!”Chloe turned off her screen and dropped her forehead onto her arms. “You really don’t have any concept of boundaries, do you?”Deprived of his most recent entertainment, he wandered over to the liquor side of his bar and took down one of his many bottles. “I don’t think so,” he said. He poured himself a couple fingers’ worth of whatever it was and sipped it thoughtfully. “Is that when you keep yourself from doing what you desire just because someone else doesn’t think you ought to do it?”“Yes.” She shook her head. “No. Ugh. It’s—” Her eyes wandered around the room, searching for inspiration. Actually, hang on… “It’s like your scars.  You didn’t want me to touch them, so I didn’t. I respected your boundaries.”For a moment, she thought she’d bluescreened him. Half a dozen emotions flickered across his face, too fast to identify, before blanking out completely.“…Lucifer?”He shook himself out of it. “Apologies, Detective. I will… I will take that into consideration.”“Right.” She stared at him curiously. “Thank you.” Now that the self-proclaimed devil was no longer at her shoulder, Chloe turned her screen back on and reread the last text from Dan, right after the groveling apologies: “Can we please discuss this?” She sighed. “I’m going to have to talk to him.”“The Douche?”“Yeah. I just realized—I don’t even know why he lied about this for so long.”“Do you think he’ll actually tell you?”“Oh, he’ll tell me, all right,” she said with a dangerous glint in her eye.  Chloe went home. She was already on the record as taking a sick day, so she couldn’t exactly walk into the precinct to find Dan, and she wasn’t quite ready for that conversation anyway. Her hangover was still twisting her stomach and gnawing on her brain, and she wanted to recover as much mental and physical fortitude as she could before having that conversation. She sent Dan a text, telling him to come to her house on his lunch break (the last thing she needed was to have Trixie present for their conversation), and settled onto her soft couch.Halfway through her binge of a miniseries on women who’d murdered their husbands, Chloe found her attention wandering to the laptop sitting on her desk. Her list of grievances, originally a release valve for her frustrations with Lucifer, now seemed heartless and unhelpful. The last few days had taught her some eye-opening—and heart-wrenching—things about her partner. Here he was making a list of ways to make her happier (even if it was intended as a way to convince her to have s@x with him), and her own list was all the reasons she hated him. Except she didn’t hate him. Truth be told, she was getting pretty fond of him.She retrieved the laptop and went to work.The original list got rewritten with less mean-spirited language and a new column for possible explanations—‘child abuse’, ‘heavy religious indoctrination’, and ‘isolated from society during childhood’ took up most of the rows in that second column. After some thought, she made an entire separate section for all of Lucifer’s ‘Devil’ stuff: all of the things he said about being the Devil, comments about Heaven and Hell, even the things like how he claimed to have had millenia to practice cooking. I wonder if I could test that? she thought to herself. Tell him to prove it by cooking some recipe from Ancient Egypt? Then again, how would she know the difference?There might be some other things, though, that she could use to catch him out. Gently pry him away from his conviction that he was the actual, literal Devil. If she could find an example of his weird mojo not working on someone, would that help prove it to him? Besides herself, of course. All of those things went into a third section of her file. She included the shocking strength and the teleportation thing, too—surely, at some point, she’d find an explanation for those, and it was going to bug her until she did. Maybe there was some common element every time he’d shown apparent super-strength; some hidden mechanism or trick she couldn’t immediately see. Hell, maybe he was just on some really good drugs and didn’t notice when he hurt himself pulling crap like that.…She included some notes about his surprising tolerance for drugs and alcohol, too. Just in case.And speaking of drinking… hadn’t he had a black eye, when they’d been searching Palmetto the second time? She’d been more focused on looking for evidence, but she could have sworn he’d had a very painful-looking bruise over his left eye. She couldn’t remember seeing it after she’d showed up at Lux, after running the prints… but, then again, her memory from the previous night was unreliable at best. Maybe it hadn’t been as bad as she’d thought. After some deliberation, she added some notes about it, but marked that line as questionable.She continued adding more and more details to the file, memories popping up after being reminded by other notes she’d made, until she was startled by a knock on her front door—d@mn, she’d lost track of time. She flipped her laptop closed and went to answer the door.It was Dan. Of course.“Can I come in?”If only she could say ‘no’. She backed away from the door to give him space to enter, not trusting herself to speak just yet. He cautiously walked in; she shut the door behind him and turned to him with her arms crossed over her chest.“Listen, Chlo’, I am so, so s—” he started, but Chloe held up her hand to stop him.“No,” she said. “I don’t care. No ‘sorry’ is going to make this go away.”“I—”“You lied to me, Dan!” Her eyes stung with gathering tears. “You tried to make me think I was crazy! You let the whole precinct turn against me!”“He was going to shoot you, Chloe!”She stared at him, jaw clenched to trembling, and fought to keep her raging emotions from choking her throat and flooding her eyes. “I don’t care,” she eventually managed to say.“You don’t—?”“Shut up!” she interrupted him. “You’re not talking right now. I am. And, Dan? I do not care about why you shot Malcolm. Not right now. He was a dirty cop, you shot him… fine. Just…” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and scrubbed away the escaping tears with her sleeve. “Just… tell me why you lied.”He looked away, shoulders slumping. “…Because I was involved,” he admitted.Chloe’s universe lurched two inches to the left; she stumbled to the couch and dropped onto the cushions. “You need to leave.” She was proud of herself—her voice barely shook at all.He hesitated. “There’s something else you need to know.”She glared up at him through red-rimmed eyes. “What.”“It’s… it’s Malcolm. He woke up last night.”She nodded sullenly, her eyes fixed on the carpet. Of course. Of course Malcolm had woken back up. A few feet away from her, just at the edge of her line of sight, Dan shifted from foot to foot, but Chloe ignored him. She had nothing left to say to him, and nothing more she wanted to hear. He left after a few minutes; she heard the door shut behind him.She wanted a drink. She wanted to scream. She wanted to rewind her life and forget everything she’d just learned. She wanted to rewind her life and never meet Dan in the first place. She wanted…She buried her head in her hands. She wanted to go back to Lux and spend more time with the one person who’d had her back in recent memory. The one person she could trust.But she had to pick up Trixie from school in a couple of hours. Had to make sure her daughter did her homework, ate her dinner, and went to bed. She had to go to work in the morning. Unless there was a new case, it would be nothing but paperwork, so there would be no terrible puns or inappropriate comments to ease her through her day.Except…She did have a new case, she realized. Sort of a new case. With Malcolm not only alive but awake, the Palmetto case had just taken a sharp left turn past Albuquerque. She looked at the clock—she had a couple of hours…She snatched her keys off the kitchen table and headed for her car before she could talk herself out of it.  It had apparently gotten late enough in the day that Lux had opened for business, but nowhere near late enough for a line to form. She quickly found Lucifer inside amongst the first few patrons, sitting at a table and looking over paperwork with one of his employees.“Detective! Back so soon?” He added his signature to the bottom of a page with a flourish and handed the packet of documents to the other man. “Can you give us a moment, Patrick? I’ll see to the rest later.”Patrick nodded and hurried off, and Lucifer turned in his seat to face her fully. “To what do I owe this pleasure, darling? Just can’t get enough of the Devil?”He’d stretched his arm out across the back of the booth; Chloe made sure to sit just past the tips of his fingers so he didn’t get the wrong idea. “The Palmetto case just got a lot more complicated,” she told him without preamble.Lucifer scoffed. “What, more complicated than the shooter turning out to be your douche of an ex-husband?”“Yeah, well, it gets worse.” She responded to Lucifer’s raised eyebrows with her own. “Malcolm Graham just woke up.”“Malcolm? The one who got shot? I thought he was already in the ground.”“He wasn’t far from it. His family pulled the plug last night—I skipped the wake they were having for him in favor of running those fingerprints.” Chloe shrugged. “Some kind of miraculous recovery, I guess.”For some reason, that caught Lucifer’s attention, and he looked at her sharply. “Indeed,” he said, his voice sounding strange. “That does sound… miraculous.” Whatever was bouncing around in that unfathomable brain of his must have gotten shoved to the back, because he shook it off and put his ‘consultant’ face back on. “Do you suppose he knows who shot him?”“…Cr@p. I didn’t even think of that.” Chloe groaned and rubbed her face. “I was too p@ss@d at Dan to think about much else. Oh,” she added with an insincere laugh. “Speaking of which—turns out Dan was lying to me because he was taking payoffs, too. So that’s another cherry on top of this whole mess.”Lucifer processed this with a carefully blank face. “I see.” He took an equally careful breath, and Chloe realized she could see small tells that she was starting to recognize as evidence that fury was brewing just below the surface. “Just so that you’re aware, if Maze were to pay that useless man a visit, I would consider it a favor owed to you, Detective.”For one brief, insane moment, Chloe actually considered it. Nothing to actually hurt him; maybe just terrorize him a little bit? Scare him straight? Chloe had a feeling that any lesson on that front, delivered by Maze, would stick for a very long time. But she shook her head. “If Malcolm knows Dan shot him, she might not get the chance. D@mn it! I’m p@ss@d at him, but I don’t want him dead, either.”Lucifer made an exaggerated face as if to say ‘are you sure?’. It did not make her smile. Her lips were twitching because her nose itched.Chloe thought of something else, though. “Oh, d@mn it—I know Malcolm saw me that night. He might be after me, too.”She didn’t miss the way Lucifer tensed. “Is he aware that you know about his misdeeds?”“I’m not sure.” Chloe chewed on her bottom lip. “I’m sure he knows I was investigating, since he saw me there, but he probably doesn’t know Dan confirmed it for me.”“Anyone who was able to keep his illicit activities hidden as long as Malcolm did is unlikely to be prone to rash actions,” Lucifer pointed out. “He’ll almost certainly have an explanation prepared—some story that paints him as heroic rather than criminal. With it known that you were investigating him, he must know it would be far too suspicious if you were to turn up dead.” He said this with such confidence that Chloe found herself relaxing. A little.“I think you’re right.” She paused, and her eyes gleamed as a plan started to form. “In fact, I can make sure of it. I’ll go straight to him, tell him I found evidence that it was a cop who shot him. Apologize for thinking he was corrupt, because if a cop tried to kill him in cold blood like that, then obviously that was the corrupt cop, and he was the innocent one.”“Throw him off your scent while you continue to investigate him.” Lucifer’s eyes glittered with approval.“Exactly!” She smiled, wide and genuine this time, and reached out to squeeze his hand. “Thank you, Lucifer. I’m not sure whether I could do this without you or not, but I’m really glad I don’t have to.”Lucifer stared after her, stunned, as she slipped out of the booth and walked towards the exit. There was that bright, fluttering feeling again. Like somebody was tickling him with a cattle prod, but on the inside. “Detective, wait!” he called after her. She turned, happy and curious. “I’m celebrating my birthday this Friday. Drinks with a few friends here at Lux. Would you—”“Of course!” she called back with a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it!”  Maze was doing her best to ruin Lucifer’s good mood. Pointing out he didn’t have a birthday, as if he didn’t know that. He didn’t see why a re-birthday was any less important.“Reborn?” She was laughing at him. “As who?”“Whoever the hell I want to be,” he said with a smirk. “Isn’t it exciting?” He surveyed his party, soaking in the atmosphere of gleeful, unfettered sin. And if his mood hadn’t been fantastic already, his eye was caught by a head of golden-brown hair coming down the stairs. “Ah-ha!” He turned back to Maze for a moment with a smug grin. “To new beginnings. Happy birthday to me.”Maze rolled her eyes with a scoff and made herself scarce. Lucifer barely noticed; Chloe was weaving through the gyrating crowd and heading straight for him. She had a bottle tucked under one arm and a jar full of green liquid clutched in her hands. He hurried to meet her and took the jar before anything could spill, then led her to the bar with a tilt of his head.“You said ‘drinks with a few friends’!” she reminded him, laughing, once they were able to unload their respective glassware.“We-ell, you know, things got out of hand… Just the way I like it,” he added with a flirtatious smile. He let his eyes drag down her figure and his smile widened; she’d worn a lovely dress, green and clingy, and it showed off more of her legs than he usually got to see.Chloe rolled her eyes, but it was the kind of eye roll he liked—delivered with a sideways smile that meant she actually kind of liked it. “Well, I brought you a birthday present. Whiskey with a pickle juice chaser. It’s the station’s birthday tradition.”“Lovely! How can I refuse?” She was already pouring the shots, and he eyed them dubiously. “Can I refuse?”She shook her head, sideways smile still in place, and handed him his shot of whiskey. She waited until after they’d clinked glasses and he’d tipped back the shot to say, “Here I thought you liked putting anything in your mouth.”He choked on the shot. She was already handing him the pickle juice chaser with a knowing smirk. The minx. He swallowed it quickly, unwilling to let her get one up on him. “Ooh!”“It’s not bad, is it?”“Briny!” He set the glass down with a clink. “Let’s find Maze! She needs to try this bizarre concoction. She loves a salty aftertaste.”“Sure, why not?” Chloe said. She laughed. “Actually, yeah—I’d love to see her face! I’ll be here.”When he returned, a grumbling Maze in tow, Chloe was happily sipping on a glass of wine.“I’ll have to come to more of your parties,” she said when he walked up. “You don’t usually get top shelf at an open bar.”“Open bar?”Maze shot him a smirk, then turned to Chloe. “Lucifer didn’t tell you? He put you on the free drinks list.”She looked startled, although he had no idea why. “I… Thank you, Lucifer. You didn’t have to—”“Nonsense. I enjoy taking care of my friends.”Something soft passed across her face, and then out of nowhere she gulped down the rest of her wine and grabbed his hand.“Detective…?”“Come on,” she said, dragging him away from the bar. “I want to dance with the birthday boy.”His c@ck shot up to half-mast at that—did she mean…?But, no. She kept her right hand in his left, her left on his shoulder, and never less than several inches’ space between the rest of their bodies. He enjoyed it, though, twirling her around as she giggled, freer than he’d ever seen her. At a gesture to his DJ, the song mix shifted to one better suited to their dancing. He didn’t want to give her any reason to pull away.She did, though, eventually. “I’ve gotta take a break!” she shouted to him over the music, and gestured in the direction of the restrooms. “Be back in a minute!”He released her with a grin to mask his disappointment and turned to assess the mass of party-goers, all here to celebrate him. The hours of drinking and dancing that would have exhausted a human only served to exhilarate him. His appetite was whetted, and he wanted more. And he didn’t have to wait long, either. Just moments after Chloe left in the direction of the restrooms, a pair of statuesque, nearly-identical brunettes in matching red dresses came up to introduce themselves.He was dancing with both by the time Chloe exited the bathroom; he was too distracted by the thing Mindy—no, Cindy?—was doing to his neck to notice her slouch onto a barstool and order a shot of tequila with her back turned towards him. When he finally looked around a few minutes later and couldn’t find her, he assumed she must have found something else to occupy her. He buried his disappointment under a seductive grin and escorted Cindy and Mindy up to his penthouse so they could continue the party upstairs.'
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