read it write down everything you learn from it THEY DON’T FEEL THE WORLD OWES THEM ANYTHING
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
—ROBERT JONES BURDETTE

Lucas entered therapy because people in his company’s Human Resources Department suggested that he take advantage of their employee assistance program to address some problems he’d recently had at work. Through the program, Lucas could receive a handful of counseling sessions completely free of charge.

Lucas had recently been hired at his first big job since getting his MBA. He was excited about the position and he really believed in the company he worked for. But he didn’t feel like his coworkers were as thrilled to have him on board. He explained how he often made suggestions about how his supervisor could increase the company’s profitability, and he tried to help his coworkers become more efficient and productive. He offered ideas at the weekly team meetings, but he didn’t think anyone was listening to him. He’d even scheduled a meeting with his boss asking to be promoted to a leadership position. He thought having more authority would make other people more willing to take his advice.

Much to his dismay, his supervisor wasn’t interested in promoting him. Instead, the supervisor told Lucas to “tone it down” if he wanted to remain employed, because his fellow coworkers were already complaining about his attitude. Following the meeting, Lucas had gone to his company’s Human Resources office to complain and it was then that they recommended he receive some counseling.

As Lucas and I talked, he said he felt like he deserved a promotion. Even though he was new to the company, he was certain he had great ideas about how to make the business more profitable and he figured he should be paid more than his current salary. We explored his assumption that he was an extremely valuable employee and how his employer might see things differently. We also discussed the consequences of making such a bold assumption. He recognized that his inference was clearly causing some problems for him at the office—his coworkers, and most likely his supervisor, were annoyed.

Once Lucas was able to see how his “know-it-all” attitude was rubbing people the wrong way, we discussed what it was probably like for his coworkers to work with him. Some of them had been with the company for decades and were slowly trying to work their way up the corporate ladder. Lucas said he understood how some of them might feel frustrated when someone who was fresh out of college started offering them advice. He admitted that he often thought of them as “stupid,” and we discussed how these types of thoughts would only fuel his desire to behave in a bossy manner. He participated in trying to reframe those thoughts so that he could recognize the value that long-term employees offered the company. Instead of viewing coworkers as “stupid” he reacted by telling himself that they simply did things differently. When he began thinking he was a better employee than someone else, he reminded himself he was fresh out of college and still had a lot to learn.

Lucas agreed to create a list of behaviors that his employer would want to see from the company’s best employees. When he was done with that list, we reviewed how many of those behaviors he exhibited. He acknowledged that he didn’t do all of the things on the list—like support other employees and show respectful behavior. Instead, he was too focused on showing off and making demands.

Lucas agreed to take his newfound insight and apply it to his behavior at the office. When he returned for his next appointment a couple of weeks later, he shared some of the changes he’d been working on. He said he had stopped offering so much unsolicited advice to others. He found that when he pulled back and stopped trying to force people to listen to him, they were more inclined to ask him questions and seek out his opinion. He thought this was definitely a step in the right direction and he felt confident he could continue to work on being a valuable employee rather than the invaluable resource he had previously assumed he was.

CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE
We’re all inclined to want our fair share in life. However, the belief that you’re owed something simply because of who you are or what you’ve been through isn’t healthy. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

    You think you perform better than average at most tasks, like driving or interacting with other people.

    You’re more likely to talk your way out of problems rather than accept the consequences.

    You believe you were born to be successful.

    You think your self-worth is tied to your material wealth.

    You believe you deserve to be happy.

    You think you’ve dealt with your share of problems in life and it’s your turn to have good things happen to you.

    You enjoy talking about yourself more than hearing about other people.

    You think you’re smart enough to succeed without having to work hard.

    You sometimes buy things you can’t afford but justify it by telling yourself that you’re worth it.

    You consider yourself an expert in many things.

Believing that you shouldn’t have to work as hard or shouldn’t have to go through the same process as everyone else because you’re the exception to the rule isn’t healthy. But you can learn how to stop complaining about not getting what you deserve and start focusing on how to become mentally strong enough that you’ll no longer feel entitled.

WHY WE FEEL THE WORLD OWES US SOMETHING
Lucas had grown up as an only child and throughout his life, his parents had assured him he was a natural-born leader who was meant to be successful. So when he graduated from college, he felt confident he was destined for greatness. He presumed that any employer would immediately recognize his talent and feel fortunate to have him on their team.

Whether it’s someone who has dealt with unfortunate circumstances and thinks he deserves something to make up for it, or it’s someone who thinks she’s better than everyone else and deserves to be rewarded for it, people like Lucas are everywhere. And while we’re good at noticing this trait in other people, the fact is, all of us feel entitled at one time or another and we often lack the insight to recognize it in ourselves.

We live in a world where rights and privileges frequently get confused. Often, people think they have a “right to be happy” or a “right to be treated respectfully,” even if it means they have to infringe on others’ rights to get what they want. Instead of trying to earn privileges, they behave as if society is somehow indebted to them. Advertising tempts us to buy products by promoting self-indulgence and materialism. The idea that “You deserve it,” whether you can afford it or not, leads many among us to go deeply into debt.

A feeling that the world owes you something isn’t always about a sense of superiority. Sometimes it is about a sense of injustice. A person who had a difficult childhood, for example, may max out his credit cards as he buys himself all the things he never had as a kid. He may think the world owes him the opportunity to have nice things, since he missed out on a lot as a youngster. This type of entitlement can be just as detrimental as when people think they’re superior.

Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of Generation Me and The Narcissism Epidemic, has conducted many studies on narcissism and entitlement. Her studies have found that younger generations have an increased desire for material wealth and a decreased desire to work. She suggests several possible reasons for this disconnect including:

•    The focus on helping kids develop self-esteem has gone overboard. School programs aimed at improving self-esteem teach kids that they’re all special. Allowing children to wear shirts that say things like IT’S ALL ABOUT ME or telling them repeatedly, “You’re the best,” fuels their inflated beliefs about self-importance.

•    Overindulgent parenting prevents children from learning how to accept responsibility for their behavior. When kids are given whatever they want and they don’t have to experience consequences for misbehavior, they don’t learn the value of earning things. Instead, they’re given an overabundance of material possessions and accolades regardless of their behavior.

•    Social media fuels mistaken beliefs about self-importance. Young people can’t imagine a world without “selfies” and self-promotional blogs. It’s unclear if social media actually fuels narcissism or it simply serves as an outlet for people to announce their underlying beliefs of superiority. But there is evidence that suggests people turn to social media to boost their self-esteem.

THE PROBLEM WITH A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Lucas’s sense of entitlement certainly wasn’t winning him any friends at the office. It also wasn’t likely to help him gain a promotion any time soon.

An entitlement mentality prevents you from earning things based on merit. You’ll be less likely to work hard when you’re busy complaining that you’re not getting what you’re owed. Instead, you’ll expect that you should have things based on who you are or what you’ve been through. You won’t be able to accept responsibility for your behavior when you’re focused on trying to stake your claim over what you think the world owes you.

You’ll also make unrealistic demands of people or be too focused on gaining what you think you deserve to be able to contribute to a relationship in a meaningful way.

If you are always demanding, “I deserve to be cared for and treated well,” you may have trouble offering the type of love and respect that will attract a partner who treats you kindly.

When you’re focused on yourself, it is extremely challenging to be empathetic. Why donate time and money to other people if you’re always thinking things like I deserve to buy nice things for myself? Instead of experiencing the joy of giving, you’ll be too fixated on what you’re not getting.

When you don’t get everything you want entitlement can lead to feelings of bitterness as you’ll think you were somehow victimized. Instead of enjoying all that you have and all that you’re free to do, you’ll focus on all that you don’t have and all the things you can’t do. You’ll likely miss out on some of the best things in life.

GET OVER YOURSELF
Lucas needed to understand how his sense of entitlement affected him and those around him. Once his eyes were opened to the way that other people perceived him, he was able to begin changing the way he thought about his coworkers as well as the way he behaved toward them. A willingness to work hard, combined with some humility, helped Lucas remain employed.

DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS OF YOUR SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT

We see it all the time in the media—wealthy people, celebrities, and politicians acting like the normal laws and rules don’t apply to them because they’re special. Or take, for instance, the teenage boy who was placed on trial for murder after killing four people in a drunken driving accident in Texas. The defense team suggested the boy was suffering from “affluenza”—meaning he thought he was above the law. The argument was that the teenager shouldn’t be held responsible because he grew up in a wealthy family with parents who had coddled him and never required him to accept any responsibility for his behavior. The teen was ultimately sentenced to a substance abuse rehabilitation program and probation, and he didn’t receive any jail time. It’s these types of stories that make us question whether we as a society are becoming more tolerant of the idea that the world does owe certain people more than others.

More subtle versions of entitlement have also become commonplace. If you don’t land that dream job, the common reaction from friends is usually something along the lines of “Well, something better will come your way” or “You deserve something good to happen to you after all this.” But even though these statements are made with the best of intentions, the world doesn’t really work like that. No matter whether you’re the smartest person on the planet or you’ve persevered through life’s roughest circumstances, you don’t become more deserving of good fortune than anyone else.

Try to become more aware of these subtle moments of entitlement. Look for thoughts that indicate you have some underlying beliefs about what the world owes you, such as:

•    I deserve better than this.

•    I’m not following that law because it’s stupid.

•    I’m more valuable than this.

•    I was meant to be highly successful.

•    Good things will come my way.

•    There’s always been something really special about me.

Most people who feel a sense of entitlement lack self-awareness. They think everyone else perceives them the same way they perceive themselves. Pay attention to the thoughts that you have and keep these truths in mind:

•    Life isn’t meant to be fair. There isn’t a higher power or any person on Earth who ensures that all humans are dealt a fair or equal hand. Some people have more positive experiences than others. That’s life but it doesn’t mean you’re owed anything if you were dealt a bad hand.

•    Your problems aren’t unique. Although no one else’s life is exactly like yours, other people experience the same types of problems, sorrows, and tragedies as you. There are likely many people on the planet who have overcome worse. No one promised life would be easy.

•    You have choices in how you respond to disappointments. Even if you can’t change the situation, you can choose how to respond. You can decide to deal with problems, circumstances, or tragedies that come your way without developing a victim mentality.

•    You aren’t more deserving. Although you’re different from everyone else, there’s nothing about you that makes you better than other people. There’s no reason that you should inherently have good things happen to you or that you shouldn’t have to put in time and effort to reap the benefits.

FOCUS ON GIVING, NOT TAKING

I first heard about “Sarah’s House” from a radio commercial that was advertising an upcoming fund-raising event. It wasn’t until later that I learned that Sarah and I had actually grown up in the same town. In fact, I’d seen her before. The last night of my mom’s life, we were at a basketball game and I recall a set of twins playing on the team. One of them was Sarah Robinson.

I’ve since met Sarah’s twin sister, Lindsay Turner, and she’s told me all about Sarah. When Sarah was twenty-four, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She underwent surgery and chemotherapy for a year and a half before losing her battle to cancer. Throughout the course of her treatment, Sarah didn’t focus on how unfair it was that she got cancer. Instead, she was too busy focusing on her mission to help other people.

Sarah met other cancer patients at her treatment center, and she was horrified to learn that many of them had to drive a great distance to get treatment. Living in rural Maine meant some patients were making a five-hour round-trip drive five days a week for six weeks at a time because they couldn’t afford hotel rooms. Some of them were even sleeping in their vehicles at the Walmart parking lot. She knew this wasn’t a good way for anyone to fight a battle for their life.

Sarah wanted to help and initially joked that she could buy bunk beds and let everyone sleep at her house, but she knew that wouldn’t be a long-term solution. So she came up with the idea to create a hospitality house close to the treatment center. Sarah had already been a member of her local Rotary Club for several years. The club’s motto is “service above self,” which is clearly something Sarah believed in. She pitched the idea to the club and its members agreed to help her create a hospitality house.

She became passionate about turning this idea into a reality and she worked tirelessly to get it off the ground. In fact, her family says that even while she was undergoing chemotherapy, she’d often get up in the night to work on this project. Even as Sarah’s health deteriorated her attitude remained positive. She told her family, “I’m not leaving the party early, I’m getting there first.” Not only did her faith in God remain strong, but so did her desire to make the hospitality house a reality.

Sarah passed away in December of 2011, at the age of twenty-six. And just like she’d asked them to do, her family and friends are working to make “Sarah’s House” a reality. Within eighteen months, they raised almost a million dollars. Even Sarah’s daughter has become involved in the fund-raising. She keeps a jar with the words Sarah’s House written on it, and she donates the money she earns from selling lemonade for “Momma.” Without a single paid employee, volunteers have worked tirelessly to turn a former furniture store into a nine-room hospitality house that won’t ever turn patients away.

Although most people diagnosed with a terminal illness may ask “Why me?,” that wasn’t Sarah’s mentality. As her health deteriorated to the point that she could no longer put on her own pajamas, and her husband had to dress her, she wrote in her journal, “I’m the luckiest woman alive!!!”

“I have a very firm affirmation that I have ‘left it all on the field’ (the field of life that is),” she wrote in another journal entry. “I have not held back, I do not regret, the people in my life know what they mean to me and I will always openly project that.” Sarah certainly did give life everything she had and it’s probably one of the reasons she was able to face death with such courage, even at such a young age. Shortly before she died, she revealed that one of her wishes was to inspire others to join their local civic organizations because, “that’s what life is all about.” She made it clear that when people are dying, no one ever wishes that they had spent another day at the office. Instead, they wish they had spent more time helping others.

Sarah never wasted a minute feeling like the world owed her anything because she had cancer. Instead, she focused on what she could give to the world. She helped others without expecting to be owed anything in return.

BEHAVE LIKE A TEAM PLAYER

Whether you’re trying to get along with your coworkers, create genuine friendships, or improve a romantic relationship, you won’t be able to do so unless you’re a team player. Stop focusing on what you think would make things fair and instead try the following:

•    Focus on your efforts, not your importance. Instead of paying attention to how overqualified you may think you are, focus on your efforts. There is always room for improvement.

•    Accept criticism gracefully. If someone offers you feedback, don’t be quick to say, “Well, that person is stupid.” Their feedback is based on how they perceive you, which of course is likely to be different from how you perceive yourself. Be willing to evaluate criticism and consider whether you want to change your behavior.

•    Acknowledge your flaws and weaknesses. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses, whether we like to admit them or not. Recognizing that you have insecurities, problems, and unattractive characteristics about yourself can ensure you don’t develop an inflated self-perception. Just don’t use those weaknesses as an excuse about why the world owes you more.

•    Stop and think about how other people feel. Rather than focusing on what you think you deserve in life, take time to think about how other people may feel. Increasing empathy for others can decrease your inflated sense of self-importance.

•    Don’t keep score. Whether you were able to successfully give up a drug addiction or you helped an elderly person across the street, the world doesn’t owe you anything in return. Don’t keep score of your good deeds—or the reasons you’ve felt wronged—because you’ll only set yourself up for disappointment when you don’t ever receive what you think you’re owed.

PRACTICING HUMILITY MAKES YOU STRONGER
In 1940, Wilma Rudolph was born prematurely. Weighing only four pounds, she was a sickly child. At the age of four, she contracted polio. Her left leg and foot became twisted as a result and she had to wear a leg brace until she was nine. She then had to wear an orthopedic shoe for an additional two years. With the help of physical therapy, Rudolph was finally able to walk normally by the age of twelve and for the first time in her life, she could join her school’s sports teams.

It was then that she discovered her love and talent for running and she began training. By the time she was sixteen, she earned a spot on the 1956 Olympic team and as the youngest member on the team, she won the bronze medal in the 4 x 100 relay. When Rudolph returned home, she began training for the next Olympics. She enrolled at Tennessee State University and kept on running. In the 1960 Olympics, Rudolph became the first American woman to win three gold medals in a single Olympics Game. She was hailed as “the fastest woman in history.” Rudolph retired from competition at the age of twenty-two.

Although many people blame their problems in adulthood on difficulties they encountered during childhood, Rudolph certainly didn’t. She could have attributed any shortcomings she experienced to the fact that she had been so sick as a child, or that as an African American woman she faced racism, or that she grew up in poverty in an inner city. But Rudolph didn’t think the world owed her anything. Rudolph once said, “It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to accomplish. It’s all a matter of discipline. I was determined to discover what life held for me beyond the inner-city streets.” That’s how she went from walking with a leg brace to winning an Olympic medal within five years. Although Rudolph passed away in 1994, her legacy lives on and she continues to inspire new generations of athletes.

Insisting that you’re entitled to more than you have isn’t likely to help you in life. It will only waste your time and energy and lead to disappointment. Lucas discovered that when he stopped trying to show off, and he became open to learning, he was able to improve his job performance. And ultimately, that was necessary to help him work toward his goal of advancing in the company.

When you stop demanding that you need more and are able to be satisfied with what you have, you’ll reap tremendous benefits in life. You’ll move forward with a sense of peace and contentment without experiencing bitterness and selfishness.

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Increasing your mental strength sometimes requires you to accept what the world gives you without complaining that you deserve better. And although it’s tempting to say we don’t ever feel like the world owes us anything—after all, it’s not a very attractive quality—there are times that we all think we’re owed more in some fashion. Pay close attention to the times and areas in your life where this attitude likely sneaks in, and take steps to rid yourself of this self-destructive mentality