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Assistant: Title: I Do!
        Author: Dusty87 Dusty87 
        Chapter: 1/9 
        Summary: Something blue makes them say "I do!"Things unravel in a smutty hilarious spiral from there.
        Contents: Chapter 1
    

    


      
        
          
          (See the end of the chapter for  notes.)
          
      
  

  
  
    
    
  

  
    
      “Bl@@dy f@ck yeah, I do.”
    
    
      Buffy giggled and looked into Spike’s eyes dreamily. “I do, too.”
    
    
      His grin was devilish, his blue eyes gleaming hot. Based on how he kept biting the tip of his tongue as he looked at her, he seemed to want to slurp her up in her white gown and veil right then and there on the altar. Buffy had to admit that his mischievous predatory gaze and the way he looked in that tuxedo were giving her some dangerous thoughts of her own.
    
    
      But they were in a place of God. 
    
    
      Or maybe the government. She didn’t really know, and she didn’t really care.
    
    
      Sounding remarkably low on caring himself, their graying officiant stated, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. Make sure you sign and pick up your license at the door, and… you may now kiss the—”
    
    
      Spike grabbed her and pushed his tongue into her mouth before the officiant could finish. Buffy dropped her bouquet and clung to his face, kissing him back with a massive smile on her face.
    
    
      She’d never been this happy.
    
    
      “All right, all right,” a deep voice behind them said. “Congratulations. Move along now. Got others waiting.”
    
    
      They broke the kiss and Spike glared indignantly at the man in the security uniform. With one flippant move, he stepped forward and swiped him against the plastered white wall.
    
    
      “Spike!” Buffy looked down with dismay. “You stepped on my carnations!”
    
    
      He ignored her, eyes locked on the other man. “How many times in your life you kiss your wife for the first time, mate?” He cocked his head to one side. “Hm? Go on. Bl@@dy tell me. How many times?”
    
    
      God, he made aggression so sexy. 
    
    
      Buffy was distracted from her floral woes and the masculine confrontation by another veiled bride clearing her throat at the start of the red-carpeted aisle. She was looking at her husband-to-be with an impatient pout.
    
    
      Spike was still happily intimidating the uniformed man who stood an entire head taller than him. Shooting the stranger a placating smile, Buffy took her new husband’s hand and hugged his arm. “Come on, honey. Let’s get our certificate and go somewhere more kissing-appropriate.”
    
    
      “I’ll snog you when and where I bl@@dy well please! Ain’t no one gonna interfere—”
    
    
      “Yeah, yeah. That’s very romantic.” She leaned into him and whispered in his ear. “But don’t you wanna consummate this thing…” She kissed his earlobe and then whispered, “A…S…A…P?”
    
    
      A little sigh escaped his mouth as his fury flipped to intrigue in an instant. “Right. Where do I sign?”
    
    
      Buffy grinned proudly and locked her arm with his, leading them both out of the little mock-chapel to a tiled hallway where a woman sat at a table with a stack of papers with gold emblems on them. She turned one toward Buffy and Spike and pointed to the blank spaces at the bottom.
    
    
      “Congratulations. Sign here,” she said curtly.
    
    
      “This is so exciting, baby,” Buffy said, petting his arm as Spike signed the paper with a dramatic flourish. His handwriting was so loopy and big. “God, I’ve never been so happy in my whole life as I am 
      
        right
      
       now.”
    
    
      Spike kissed her smoothly and squeezed her ass. “You’ll take that back in an hour, pet.”
    
    
      She bit her grinning bottom lip as he handed her the pen. Reading what he wrote, she laughed, “William Pratt? Your last name is 
      
        Pratt
      
      ?”
    
    
      “Yeah, and now so’s yours, b@tch. So stuff the—”
    
    
      “Do 
      
        not
      
       call me ‘b@tch.’” She used her stern eyebrows and held up one finger. “I am your 
      
        wife
      
      . You do not under any circumstances speak to me like that, William.”
    
    
      Leaning back with surprise, Spike slowly smiled. “Yes, 
      
        ma’am
      
      .”
    
    
      She couldn’t help it, she laughed. He grinned proudly at his accomplishment.
    
    
      Happily— so happily— Buffy signed her name.
    
    
      “And I’m not changing my name,” she added as she set the pen down.
    
    
      “Whatever.”
    
    
      The woman in charge of papers and pens tore the carbon copy off the top and handed them their sparkling new marriage license. Buffy hugged it to her chest.
    
    
      “Let’s get outta here,” Spike said.
    
    
      Still hugging the paper, Buffy looked at him sweetly. “Okie dokie.”
    
    
      *****
    
    
      They burst out onto the busy Las Vegas strip. It was nighttime, of course, but no city burned brighter.
    
    
      “Wow,” Buffy breathed, looking around at all the commotion and neon. “It’s so… crazy. But beautiful. In a weird way.”
    
    
      “It’s madness ‘n mayhem.” Spike took a long inhale. “And it smells rotten.” He moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. “But you, my little cake topper, you smell 
      
        delectable
      
      . And are in fact beautiful— in a not weird way. And you glow brighter than all those gaudy, flashing lights put together.”
    
    
      She giggled and kissed him. He made a little growl that made her go nearly limp leaning back against his hard, muscley chest.
    
    
      “Mmph—” Buffy broke the kiss. “Do you remember us coming here?”
    
    
      “Say ‘us coming’ again.”
    
    
      “I’m serious. I remember being at Giles’ house, and then… poof! We were at that altar and you were in that tux with your little flower thingy and I was wearing this dress—”
    
    
      “I 
      
        like
      
       your dress.” Spike slowly outlined her body with his hands to demonstrate what his eyes were leering.
    
    
      She smirked, letting herself be distracted. “I like your hands all over me.”
    
    
      “Mmm… about that, sweetheart. Reckon we ought to find some place a bit more private.” He nuzzled his nose into her hair. “I have plans, you know. Evil, evil plans…”
    
    
      “Oooh. You’re so 
      
        bad
      
      , baby.”
    
    
      Buffy let herself get lost in his kiss again. He spun her around this time so they were chest to chest. She could hardly breathe as the kiss escalated and escalated and—
    
    
      “Okay,” she said, pushing him back. “That’s enough public grope-age. We need a room.”
    
    
      “Right.” Spike looked around like a room would suddenly materialize before them. “Where doth my lady desire?”
    
    
      She let out another giggle. Then excitedly, she pointed to the skyline. “Ooh! What about 
      
        Caesars Palace
      
      ?” 
    
    
      “Tourist trap.”
    
    
      “Okay, how about that pyramidy one!”
    
    
      “I don’t like points.”
    
    
      “What about the one with the cute little Eiffel Tower? We can kiss at the top.”
    
    
      Spike sighed tiredly. “Doth my lady believeth that I have a bl@@dy note to my name?”
    
    
      “Huh?”
    
    
      He rolled his eyes, dropping the act. “Your husband’s skint. Might’ve married yourself up in the bedroom department, but wads of cash I have not.”
    
    
      “Oh.” Buffy’s face fell. “Well, shoot. I don’t have any money. I’m a broke college student. I have a calling, not a paycheck.” She took her new husband by the lapels and looked up at him sadly. “How are we gonna… celebrate?”
    
    
      Spike touched a finger to her pouty lip, which she gently bit. It caused a flush of l@st to bloom in his eyes. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way, pet.” He pulled her in a little closer so she could feel how hard he was against her stomach. “And I’m feeling mighty willful.”
    
    
      Totally sober, she still felt a little bit drunk when he looked at her like that. “Okay. Right. Me, too. Um…” She looked around. “So—”
    
    
      “Newlyweds!” a bubbly blonde wearing a candy apple sequined dress approached and shoved a paper flier into Buffy’s hand. “Congratulations, you two, on your most special day! Gosh, you are just glowing and overflowing with love!”
    
    
      Spike looked at the woman skeptically. “What do you want?”
    
    
      “Well, my name’s Jill and I couldn’t help but notice your—” She cleared her throat. “
      
        Affiliation
      
      .” She looked at Spike meaningfully, her own eyes flashing yellow.
    
    
      His eyes narrowed. “How—”
    
    
      “And I just had to share with you this 
      
        amazing
      
       honeymoon opportunity that caters exclusively to the demonically-inclined!”
    
    
      “Honeymoon?” Buffy perked up, adjusting the spaghetti strap of her wedding dress. She elbowed Spike in the ribs. “Honeymoon, honey.” She looked down at the flier in her hands. “On a… boat?”
    
    
      “That’s right! That picture right there is of our state of the art, one of a kind, luxurious 
      
        ocean liner
      
      . Just like our entertainment headquarters here in Vegas, this ship’s got casinos, shows, spas, and all the food and drink you could ever hope to enjoy! But with an exquisite— and UV-protective— view!”
    
    
      Buffy frowned. “
      
        The Mayhem
      
      ? Who wants mayhem out in the middle of the ocean?”
    
    
      Jill batted the question away with her hand. “Just a little wink to our exclusive clientele and their unique… thirst for adventure!” She referred to her clipboard. “I can upgrade your room to a suite right now, 
      
        and
      
       I’ve got a 10% off discount with our exclusive airline partner if you’re interested in booking flights. 
      
        The Mayhem
      
       sets sail out of Cancun in three days if—”
    
    
      “We don’t have any money,” Spike said bluntly.
    
    
      Buffy felt sorry for Jill. She looked pretty crushed by that.
    
    
      “Do you have any, um, newlywed specials?” Buffy asked hopefully. “Like, one free night in the honeymoon suite if you, um, kiss a lot?”
    
    
      Jill stared and smiled politely. The silence was palpable as she ignored Buffy’s question entirely. Finally, she said, “So, I do hate wasting anyone’s time. That would be terribly rude of me— wasting someone’s time. No one loves a time waster! I’ll just leave you two to your… wedded bliss.”
    
    
      “Wait.” Spike grabbed her arm and narrowed his eyes. “Mentioned you’ve got casinos here in town— demon casinos?”
    
    
      “Yeah,” she said, with far less animation than she’d had a moment ago. “Mr. Teeth’s got a whole network of entertainment venues where vampires are perfectly welcome.” She pointed down the street. “Head that way and turn left at the 
      
        Planet Hollywood
      
      . Follow the steps that go down and you’ll find the entrance to 
      
        Mischief
      
      .” She added with a little too much attitude, “Though I must warn you. They do prefer the customers there to… have money. Or kittens.”
    
    
      Spike smiled smugly. “Of course. You’ve been very helpful, Jill. Ta ta now.”
    
    
      Jill walked away in her clicking heels.
    
    
      “Kittens?” Buffy repeated, wrinkling her nose. “Why did she say ‘kittens?’”
    
    
      Spike took her hand and kissed it. “Never you worry, pretty kitty. I’ve got an idea.”
    
  

  
  

    
      
        
        
          All credit to bookishy and her brilliant world-building for The Mayhem reference. If you haven't read Overboard! by now, what are you even doing? Fics with exclamation points are all the rage!'
User: Summarize the chapter based on the content provided, ensuring to follow the set format and emphasize key aspects within the specified length.
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