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Assistant: Title: I Didn't Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do.
        Author: schrijverr schrijverr 
        Chapter: 28/50 
        Summary: Years before joining the 118, Buck’s travels take him to El Paso, where he meets Christopher. When Eddie comes back from Afghanistan and Shannon leaves, Buck ends up staying. As bills pile up, the best move is for them to get married, just for convenience, they’ll divorce when Eddie comes back from his re-enlistment.Then Eddie gets injured and it’s just easier to stay married for a little longer, while Buck gets started at the 118. However, Buck doesn’t mention his ‘husband’ and kid, not feeling like they’re his to keep. When Eddie gets the offer from Bobby, they decide to lie and pretend they don’t know each other, so they can work together.The whole lie gets out of hand as feelings start to become real, until it all comes to a head in the aftermath of the fire engine explosion. AKA: Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.
        Contents: Chapter 28: D@mn Sure Not Ready
    

    

        
          
          
            Eddie struggles with missing Buck while he is staying with Maddie. He is forced to confront the reality that some day, he’ll have to do it alone, while they’re out on calls without C.A.D. to direct them.
          
        

      
        
          Warnings: internalized misogyny, internalized homophobia, insecurity, injury, near death experience
            
            (See the end of the chapter for  more notes.)
            
      
  

  
  
    
    
  
    
      
        Buck has been living in Maddie’s dining room for three weeks already. 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        It felt weird to just let him go like that, but Eddie wasn’t going to stop him from helping his sister. He knew he had to do it, just like he knew in that hospital. Explaining to Chris was a little harder, but he has a big heart and he is used to them not being there for a while to help people.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        F
      
    
  
  
    
      
        or the past week, 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        Maddie has
      
    
  
  
    
      
         been gearing up to go back to work and she keeps saying that she is ready to get back out there and wants to pick up her life again. 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        However, s
      
    
  
  
    
      
        he never tells Buck to go, so he is still staying. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        But last shift Buck informed Eddie that he’ll be going home soon, since she has a redo of her first date after her first day back at work. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        It’s clear he’s a little anxious about how she’s handling it, but he is letting her go. Eddie tries to be supportive, saying he can always go back if he feels she needs it, but he is also encouraging him to let her have her space again. To at least let her try. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Part of it is because he genuinely wants Maddie to be able to move on and have the life she deserves now that Doug is definitively behind her. However, he can also admit that another part of it is because he wants to have Buck back.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Naturally, it’s not as if Buck disappeared. The two of them work together for fifty or so hours every week, which means that Eddie can’t call himself deprived of Buck’s presence. Yet, there is no denying that he’s been spoiled for his best friend’s company. He’s way too used to spending 24/7 together and he never realized how much he liked it until Buck wasn’t there.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        And it’s also not that he can say that he didn’t see Buck outside of work at all. Buck made sure he was home for a day each week
      
    
  
  
    
      
        end they were off
      
    
  
  
    
      
         to take Chris to do something fun. Plus, he convinced Maddie he takes walks after dinner by himself, which he used as a cover to call Chris to do bedtime each night he wasn’t working, so he wouldn’t miss out. 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        This probably made it easier for Chris that he wasn’t there all the time for a bit.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        In fact, when Eddie thinks about it, Buck made a great effort to be present, even when he couldn’t physically be there.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Yet, Eddie feels his absence so heavily. It should be worrying. Hell, it is worrying. It’s not as if he’s struggling. Carla the saint helps with meal prepping and Buck makes sure there are left overs when he’s there, plus they go and visit tía Pepa, who cooks and gives them food to take home. So, they’re set on the food front.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        And taking care of Chris is easy. He and Buck work same hours and carpool, so they have a system to bring Chris to school that he can just do by himself, while Buck drives to work from Maddie’s place.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Bedtime also isn’t a problem, he loves tucking in Chris, even if Buck is better at doing the voices when reading to Chris. And Buck is there on the phone too. So, it’s close to how it usually is.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Homework is a little 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        bit 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        of a struggle, since he doesn’t dive into topics like Buck does and he’s only a high school graduate, who forgot almost everything he learned. He’s never been good at school and Chris has the misfortune of inheriting his skills in subjects, so he struggles with the same things Eddie struggled with. 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        That
      
    
  
  
    
      
        ’s not great. But Chris isn’t at too high a level yet, so it’s only a minor problem for now.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        All in all, it’s not that much harder than doing it with Buck. Despite being a little nervous, since he’s never truly been solely responsible for Chris, it goes well. Eddie lives. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        So, Buck being gone shouldn’t be such a big deal. He sees him plenty at work and his world at home doesn’t crash and burn without him, 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        even if it’s a lot at times
      
    
  
  
    
      
        . Eddie really shouldn’t be missing him as much as he does. Shouldn’t feel his absence the way he does.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        However, he does. He so does.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He misses Buck so much and it’s at the weirdest times too. Mostly when it’s late at night and Chris is already in bed and he is sitting on the couch, watching his shows without having a mock argument about it. Or when he’s brushing his teeth by himself in the empty bathroom. Or when it’s morning after a long shift and Chris is at school, so he’s sitting by himself at the counter, eating some cereal.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        But it’s also when Chris is home. When he’s trying to heat up the food, keep the house a bit tidy and clean, but Chris needs help with homework or wants to finish what he’s doing before dinner, but Eddie needs to know what to pack in his bag for the next day, 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        or chores have piled up
      
    
  
  
    
      
         and suddenly it’s overwhelming and he wishes for a second pair of hands. For Buck.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Eddie knows logically that he can do it alone. He’s been coping just fine these past three weeks, which have proven as much. However, he can’t help but feel slightly inadequate. As if Buck would have done it better. Probably did do better when 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        Eddie
      
    
  
  
    
      
         was in Afghanistan.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He tries not to get too hung up on it, in fact, he tries to ignore how much he misses Buck, but he’s still excited for today. When Buck is coming home with him at the end, instead of awkwardly saying goodbye, both reveling in how weird it is, without being able to comment on it, because they’re not supposed to be living together.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        His good mood is boosted by Harry’s class being there. He himself isn’t too big on kids that aren’t Chris, but Buck adores them and it’s clear on his face. Plus, despite not being too big on them, it is kind of fun to see their awed faces when he shows them the trucks.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Then the message comes through that C.A.D. is down, which sucks. It means a long day for all of them and emergencies that might be harder to get to.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        For the first part it’s just annoying. The rig isn’t that comfortable and is prone to swaying, so their @ss@s are wood about half an hour in and they keep arriving on calls where others are already helping or arriving at addresses that aren’t right. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        That is before Sonya.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        She is far from the first geriatric birth they’ve been called to, but they are later than they would have liked and she is definitely not making it to the hospital on time. It’s going to be a birth in the lobby of her apartment complex.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Eddie grimaces internally, hoping she has a good relationship with the neighbors, because a good chunk of them are about to get real familiar with her v@g@n@ with how they’re all standing there and watching. Then the thought gets washed away as they all focus on helping her. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        She gives birth to a beautiful baby boy and they all let out a relieved breath as they gently hold the baby, successfully parted from his mother. Eddie can’t help but smile as the dad takes in his son, automatically thinking back to the day Chris was born, the best day of his life.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He is pulled from his thoughts by Hen freaking out, Sonya had gone into shock and is crashing hard. They have to get her and the baby to a hospital as fast as they can, but they only have one ambulance.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        With no time to wait, Eddie finds himself in the truck, sitting across from the father and Buck, who is hovering to make sure the baby is okay.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        It’s a little trippy, watching Buck like that. He never saw Buck with a baby, barely saw him with a toddler, since Chris was already four by the time Eddie met Buck. With how chaotic this birth is, he can’t help but think of Shannon and how scared he’d been for both her and Chris when all the doctors started to swoop in. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Watching Buck now, he wonders how he would have fared had he been there, then wonders why he’s even thinking about that, before pushing it down. It’s not the time.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        They arrive at the hospital and Buck and Eddie help father and son out of the truck as fast as they can, so the two can join Sonya as she is wheeled to the OR. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Instead, they find her unmoving, the doctors not rushing to save her. It doesn’t take long to realize what must have happened on the way there, one glance at Hen, who is already starting to break down in the back of the ambulance, only confirms it. They lost Sonya.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Roger, the husband, looks dazed as he practically stumbles towards his wife, the shock of just losing his loved on not yet settling in. He strokes her hair, before he chokes out: “You were right. He’s perfect.” Tears start to well up as he goes on: “I wish you could see him. I know I was scared and worried that we weren’t ready for this, and I am d@mn sure not ready to do this without you, but I will. I’m gonna figure it out.”
      
    
  

  
    
      
        His words hit them all in the solar plexus as they watch him lay their son on her chest, so she can at least hold him one time. Just the one time.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Eddie wants to reach out to him, tell him it’s going to be okay, even if it feels devastating and impossible right now. He could tell him about Shannon, about getting those papers in the Afghan desert or finding them on his coffee table with her gone. That’s how he is supposed to relate to him, what he is supposed to think off. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        But that isn’t what comes to mind first, instead he thinks of the last three weeks. Of how impossible doing it alone felt, even when he let Buck go. How he managed anyway, even if it wasn’t the same, wasn’t as easy or as fun as it would have been with him.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        The whole route his thoughts take trips him up and he is glad that he can push them all down and focus on something else when the heart monitor kicks on again. He feels Sonya’s neck and loudly declares: “She got a pulse,” as around him a flurry of motion starts up.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Doctors starts wheeling Sonya in and Roger barely has time to turn around and thank them, even if none of them feel like they helped.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Eddie is still trying to comprehend how they got from A to B and he finds himself saying: “That- that was amazing.”
      
    
  

  
    “No, that was a miracle,” Buck tells him, his voice is closer than Eddie would have thought as he leans in.
  

  
    
      
        The familiar voice so close to his ear somehow sends a shiver down his spine, which isn’t normal and he doesn’t know what to do with it. He tries to reason with himself that it’s just because they went through something pretty intense and he wasn’t expecting him so close. He merely got startled, that’s it. He isn’t used to Buck so close after three weeks of him not being home.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Deep down he knows it’s all nonsense and he hates that he can’t fully push it away as he looks out of the truck window while they drive around aimlessly through the streets of LA. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He can’t help but think of Roger’s words. He can relate, he knows that he for sure wasn’t ready for Chris, him running for the hills immediately proved as much, no matter the fact that he came back again. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        However, it’s not that, which his brain has decided to loop. Instead, it keeps repeating: ‘I am d@mn sure not ready to do this without you, but I will,’ over and over again.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        And Eddie’s stupid brain keeps dragging him back to the difficult parts of the last three weeks, completely erasing everything that went right. He also wasn’t ready to do it alone, much like the first time his co-parent suddenly had to leave. But last time Buck stepped in, this time it was Buck who had to go.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Of course he still had Carla and tía Pepa, but it wasn’t the same. He can figure it out, but it’s not what he planned. They’re not the person he wants to count on. But he will. He had to. Because he is now suddenly confronted with the reminder that some day Buck will find someone he loves and they’ll divorce like they’d always said and Eddie will have to do it alone. And he’s not ready for that.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        The knowledge sits uncomfortably on his skin and he feels jittery, wanting to get it out. When Chim directs them to a call from the news that no one is responding to, he feels almost relieved that he can direct his nervous energy somewhere else than internally.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Then they discover just how rough and difficult this call will be and it is Buck, who gets send on the ladder, since Eddie is the probationary firefighter between them. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He doesn’t begrudge him, even if he would have liked to do something more than knock on doors, before watching Buck save the kid. He never does well when kids close to Chris’s age are in danger and this is no exception. With the way he was feeling before the call, his hands are just itching to do something. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        His adrenaline spikes again, when the ladder suddenly gives out under Buck and he falls, barely managing to catch himself. He’s lucky he’s close enough to the ground that he can just drop down, because they are already low on resources.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Eddie’s first instinct is to run towards Buck, see if he’s okay so they can figure out together what the next step is.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Immediately he’s annoyed with himself. Buck is clearly fine. He shouldn’t let himself revolve his life around the other so much, it’s not what he’s supposed to be doing and it’s not going to be his life forever anyway.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Besides, he can do things just fine without Buck. Without anyone. He’s going to have to do things by himself at some point, it’s not like he’s a helpless baby. And the kid is still in danger. Eddie needs to get him out. The kid should be his priority. 
      
    
  

  
    
      
        So when Bobby goes to check on Buck like Eddie wants to do, he turns to run to the truck and gathers the stuff he needs, already halfway up the pipe by the time anyone realizes what he’s doing.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He’s just working on instinct alone, driven by the adrenaline and need to be doing something, to prove to that part of his brain, which sounds annoyingly close to his papi, that he can do this. That he is enough by himself. That he can help this kid, just like he can help Chris. 
      
    
  
  
    
      
        That he won’t drag him down with him.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Meanwhile Buck’s heart is lurching to his throat as he watches Eddie balance on top of the roof of the burning house without anyone to spot him. Without Buck spotting him, specifically. He’s just up there, ready to fall to his death – or a critical injury – at any time.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        He reminds himself that Eddie is an army medic, who probably did crazier stuff while Buck was at home trying to convince Chris that broccoli is a nice vegetable. He is going to be fine. He’s done stupid sh@t on the clock with Buck there before, this isn’t anything new. Even if those times Buck was holding his safety rope, assured in the fact he was keeping Eddie safe.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Bobby is beside him, also watching Eddie go. Buck quickly covers his anxiety through deflecting by commenting: “I feel like if I ever did that, you would yell at me.”
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Buck doesn’t get a response beyond a look that tells him he’s right. He didn’t expect much and, in a way, it is soothing. Bobby believes in Eddie and thinks he’s going to make it out, enough to be out here talking casually to him, before sending him to check if everyone made it out.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        This is confirmed when Eddie’s voice comes over the radio: “
      
    
  
  Cap, I got him. Alive but unconscious. I’m prepping for evac.”

  
    
      
        But it seems the universe loves to f@ck with Buck, because there is an explosion immediately after, rocking the house. Then they hear Eddie radio: “
      
    
  
  Cap! Negative on evac. Pinned down, south side of the house.”
“I’m gonna take an extinguisher! If I can make that jump, I can help Eddie!” Buck is ready to get into action, who cares if he can break his legs, Eddie is in there and he’s pinned. He needs help and it is Buck’s job to go help him.
  He almost fights Bobby off, only the sound of the planes stopping him. Inside, Eddie is a little annoyed at the news, knowing he’s going to get doused and it will suck. From their respective hiding spots, both hold their breath as they brace for impact.

  The moment it’s safe to move, Buck is crawling out from under the truck and moving towards the house, ready to go get Eddie wherever he might be. Before he can make it in, however, Eddie is already coming out, Alex in his arms, seemingly haloed by light like an angel.

  His appearance takes Buck’s breath away, even when he’s all covered in soot and for a split second, he knows all his emotions are on his face. Fortunately he manages to push them away by the time they’ve established Alex is okay, clapping Eddie on the back as he hides behind his jokes like always. “So, uh, what’s up with the Spider-man routine?”

  Eddie is coming down from the adrenaline high, exhaustion setting in as he catches his breath, mindlessly answering: “
  
    
      
        I don’t know. I just did it. And prayed a lot.”
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Bobby’s hand comes down on his back too for a second as he says: “Yeah, it looks like someone was listening,” before he walks off to deal with the final fall out of the call.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        Slowly reality comes filtering back in and he catches Buck’s eyes as he is looking him over. Looking for injuries, Eddie realizes. Guilt creeps in as he realized just how stupid his little stunt had been, how worried Buck must have been.
      
    
  

  
    
      
        They do stupid sh@t every day, but they usually have each other’s backs. They promised to have each other’s backs. Today Eddie went off on his own like a wild card, leaving Buck behind. He must have been worried out of his mind.
      
    
  
“Are you okay?” Buck asks, his eyes big with concern.“I’m fine,” Eddie bristles, his emotions taking yet another turn. He was fine on his own, Buck doesn’t need to hover like he’s incompetent. He will leave one day and Eddie will have to do it alone anyway. Why bother now?
  Buck rears back a little, before he frowns: “You sure? Irritability can be a symptom of low blood sugar, that rescue must have hit you in the carb storage. I have a snack somewhere in the truck, I think.”

  And the comment is even more babying, which rubs Eddie in all the wrong ways, but it’s also Buck, who is saying it. 
  Buck never sounds judgmental, instead he sounds worried, yet lighthearted and joking.
   It’s just Buck, who is worried, so he’s cracking jokes and trying to coax him into getting some care.
   Buck isn’t his father, he won’t just up and leave and he doesn’t judge Eddie.

  Fondly Eddie rolls his eyes, threatening: “If you pull out one of your stupid green juice pouches, I’m going to kick you.”
“Oeh, how violent,” Buck heckles back. “You sure you didn’t run into a rat in there, we might have to get you a rabies shot.”“Oh shut up and get me a snack.”“Bossy, bossy,” Buck tuts, but he doesn’t seem to mind, his normal smile back on his face.
  The snack he has, as it turns out, is a Paw Patrol fruit bar that they got for Chris, even though he is too old for it. It doesn’t have any added sugars on Buck’s insistence, which Eddie finds a shame, even if it’s a pretty nice thing to munch on. Though, Eddie must admit, he feels a little bit like an idiot when eating it.

  Eddie nods off on the drive back. C.A.D. is back up and running and their shift is thankfully nearly done. Buck’s shoulder is covered in soot when they get at the firehouse. Eddie finds himself glaring at the dark smudge for reasons he doesn’t understand, before he tears himself away to take a shower and get all the soot o
  f
  f himself.

  They don’t have any calls for their final hour and Eddie naps on the couch some more. He misses Chris and wants to go home, but he’s also nervous about going home. 

  No, not nervous. He just feels weird. He doesn’t like that he’s feeling weird. This morning, he was excited to go home, but today has been confusing and awful and now he’s being weird about Buck being home instead.

  He is a little glad they couldn’t carpool this morning and blasts his music as loud as he can over the speakers in the hope it will help. 

  The two of them pull up at about the same time and Eddie follows Buck onto their porch. Usually, he’d let Buck unlock the door, too lazy and tired to grab his own keys, but today, he feels the need to do it himself, ignoring Buck’s brows at the action.

  Chris is waiting with Carla, cheering excitedly when they return. He has been missing Buck a little these past three weeks, so he jumps in his arms first.

  Despite not wanting to, Eddie feels a little resentful that he doesn’t get to hug Chris first after the call they had today. He needs to be sure Chris is okay. It’s irrational, but it always happens after calls like these.

  When Buck hands Chris over to him, because he also knows that, Eddie feels slightly guilty for feeling that, even though he’s mostly distracted by hugging Chris.

  They say their goodbyes to Carla and Buck starts up dinner as Eddie and Chris sit at the table. He has a worksheet for science that is about biology, which means Eddie is perfectly equipped to help him and check his answers. It’s nice and cozy, just the two of them at the table, while Buck is puttering in the background and there is not a whole household to worry about.

  Eddie and Chris knock out the worksheet before dinner, then all of them eat together. It’s mostly Buck and Chris, who talk. Eddie has always preferred to listen. 

  He feared that the weird feeling would chase him even further into the evening, but listening to them – as Buck’s explanation about C.A.D. and what Maddie told him about what they used instead delves further and further into weird details until they’ve left it behind them and it has devolved into a conversation about morse code and flag communication – settles something in his bones.

  This feels good. It feels right.

  Eddie can just shove all those weird feelings into a box and forget about it as he writes it o
  f
  f as just having a weird day. Who can blame him? Their whole usual system had been thrown off, of course he’d feel a little out of it. He’s fine now. It’s all fine.

  Everything is as normal, no need to think about the future and it’s uncertainty when Chris is right there leaning against him, Buck’s arm thrown over the back of the couch as the three of them watch Tarzan, because the talk about different communication systems went to learning languages to animals learning languages to gorillas and then to Tarzan.

  And when Eddie nods off, because he’s had a long rough day, he’s woken by Chris’s giggles and Buck’s muffled laughter. Familiar, comforting. Even if he has to give them a bleary glare over it, because he has a reputation to uphold.

  That night they all brush their teeth together. Buck drooling toothpaste everywhere, because he’s trying to multitask brushing Chris’s teeth with his own. As payback for laughing at him for nodding off, Eddie lets him struggle while he finishes brushing his own teeth, before taking over, because doing it like this won’t do.

  Buck is excited about getting to tuck Chris in properly again after three weeks over the phone and Eddie feels nothing but fond. He’s glad for it. Glad that he can officially leave the weirdness behind him.

  He sleeps very well and deep, snuggled under the covers with the knowledge that he doesn’t have an alarm for the next morning and it’s definitely Buck’s turn to do the laundry this weekend.

  The following morning, he’s woken up by Chris clambering into his bed. It’s a pretty usual morning greeting, so he’s not even startled by it, only half opening his eyes as Chris says: “Daddy, you gotta wake up now. You’ve been sleeping for like forever and there is breakfast.”

  Eddie rubs his eyes tiredly with one hand, the other one ruffling Chris’s bedhead without much coordination as he mumbles: “I’m coming, mijo. I’m coming.”

  Chris clearly doesn’t believe him. He huffs: “I’m eating your bacon if you’re not there,” before climbing out of the bed again.

  A grin creeps up Eddie’s face; yeah, it’s definitely back to normal again.

  
  

    
      
        
        
          I am sad, because next chapter, I’m going to have to cut Ocean’s 9-1-1, since I do not think you can have that episode without everyone finding out that they’re married and it won’t work with my plot that way, so it’s gotta go. I might write an AUAU about it, but I make no promises, because it has a lot of parts and at its core it’s a Hen and Athena episode where Hen gets racially profiled.If you're asking yourself right now, why is this chapter early? The answer is that tomorrow (or well, later today for me), I have to hand in my thesis that will decide if they're giving me my Master degree, which is kinda important, so I wanted to clear the whole day for checking it all over. It's 74 pages total, because no one ever stops me from doing all that lmao, so it's gonna take a while xpThis is also a good place to stop and take a break if you’re binging this fic. Go take a nap, eat something, do that productive thing you’re procrastinating on, then come back to it :D'
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