read it and write thing you learn from it  THEY DON’T MAKE THE SAME
MISTAKES OVER AND OVER
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn
nothing.
—JOHN POWELL
When Kristy entered my therapy office, the first thing she
said was,
“I have a college degree and I’m smart enough not to yell
at my coworkers. So why can’t I stop yelling at my kids?”
Every morning she made a promise that she wasn’t going
to yell at her two teenagers. But almost every evening she
found herself raising her voice toward at least one of them.
She told me she yelled because she felt frustrated when her
kids didn’t listen to her. And lately, it seemed like they
hardly ever listened. Her thirteen-year-old daughter often
refused to do her chores and her fifteen-year-old son wasn’t
putting any effort into his homework. Whenever Kristy came
home from a long day at work to find them watching TV
and playing video games, she told them to get to work. But
they usually talked back and Kristy resorted to yelling.
Kristy clearly knew that yelling wasn’t good for her kids.
She recognized that it only made the situation worse. She
prided herself on being an intelligent and successful person,
so it surprised her when she struggled to get this area of
her life under control.
Kristy spent a couple of sessions examining why she kept
making the same mistake over and over. She discovered
that she really didn’t know how to discipline the kids
without yelling, and she wasn’t going to be able to stop
yelling at her kids until she had a plan about what to do
instead. So we worked on various strategies she could use
to respond to disrespectful and defiant behavior.
Kristy decided she’d offer one warning, and then follow
through with a consequence if her kids didn’t do as she
asked.
She also needed to learn how to recognize when she was
getting angry, so she could step away from a situation
before she started yelling. Her downfall seemed to be that
when she lost her cool, her rational thoughts about
discipline went out the window.
I further worked with Kristy to help her find a new way
to think about discipline. When she first came to me, she
admitted that she felt it was her responsibility to make her
kids do what she said, at all costs, because if they didn’t, it
would mean they won. But this
approach always seemed to backfire. Once Kristy could let
go of the idea she needed to win a power struggle, she
developed a new outlook on discipline. If her children chose
not to follow her directions, she took away their electronics
without arguing and trying to force them to behave.
It took some practice for Kristy to change her parenting
strategies. There were times where she still found herself
resorting to yelling, but she was now equipped with
alternative discipline strategies. Each time she found herself
slipping, she could review her triggers and identify
strategies to prevent raising her voice again the next time.
REPEAT OFFENDER
Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the
first time around, the truth is, everyone repeats mistakes
sometimes.
That’s just part of being human. Mistakes can be
behavioral—like showing up late for work—or they can be
cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t
like you or never planning ahead. Although someone may say
“Next time I won’t jump to conclusions,” they may repeat
those same thinking errors if they’re not careful. Do any of the
points below sound familiar?
You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re
trying to reach a goal.
When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time
looking for new ways to overcome it.
You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep
falling back on your old ways.
You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to
reach your goals are unsuccessful.
You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of
your bad habits.
You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only
to find yourself doing the same thing all over again.
Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn
new ways to do things.
You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline.
Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as
you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset.
Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just
don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to
avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from
reaching our goals.
WHY WE MAKE THE SAME
MISTAKES
Despite her frustration, Kristy had never truly thought about
why she yelled or what alternatives could be more effective.
Initially, she was hesitant to follow through with a new
discipline plan because she worried that removing privileges
would only anger her children further and lead to more
disrespectful behavior. She had to gain confidence in her
parenting abilities before she could stop repeating the same
mistakes.
If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on
earth would the person keep doing it over and over? The
truth is, our behavior is complicated.
For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if
a child was allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, she would
be in danger of accidently memorizing the wrong answer. For
example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6, she’d always recall
6 as the right answer, even after she was corrected. To
prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without
allowing them to make an educated guess.
Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the
Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and
Cognition showed that as long as study participants were given
a chance to learn the correct information, they could learn
from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when
kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers
were incorrect, their retention rates for the correct answers
improved once their mistakes were corrected. Kids, just like
adults, are able to learn from their mistakes when they’re given
the opportunity.
Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can
learn from our mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn
what we
were taught when we were younger. Growing up, you may
have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes than face the
consequences.
And school wasn’t the only place we built our understanding of
handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are
commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their
missteps. They lie and attempt to talk their way out of
admitting they did anything wrong even when there’s evidence
to the contrary.
And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine
them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them,
making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future.
We’ve all heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .”
This is an acknowledgment of behavior but falls short of
admitting a mistake, all because of pride.
Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A
person who makes a poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got
so much invested in this now; I might as well just keep going.”
Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk more
because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someone in a job she
despises may say, “I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this
company. I don’t want to walk away now.” But the only thing
worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or
unproductive is investing ten years and one day.
Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although
there’s a lot to be said for “dusting yourself off and getting
right back up on the horse,” it is wiser to figure out why you
fell off in the first place before you try again.
Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes?
You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into
one
bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She
may keep dating men all within the same social circle who
have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look
for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep
turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t
know how to cope with problems sober. To avoid those
mistakes and do something different would feel uncomfortable.
And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable
with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things
are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the
other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to
their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.
THE PROBLEM WITH REPEATING
OUR MISTAKES
Kristy recognized that yelling at her kids every day wasn’t
helpful.
She wasn’t teaching them how to solve problems effectively,
and they were learning that yelling was acceptable behavior.
The more she yelled at them, the more they yelled right back
at her. Have you ever watched a dog chase its tail around
and around in a circle?
That’s what you feel like when you repeat your mistakes. You’ll
tire out, yet you won’t get anywhere.
Julie came to see me for therapy because she was mad at
herself.
She had lost forty pounds last year but then slowly, over the
last six months, she gained it all back. This wasn’t the first
time this had happened. She’d been gaining and losing the
same forty pounds for
almost a decade. She was extremely frustrated that she devoted
so much time and energy into losing weight only to keep
gaining it right back.
Every time she lost the weight she relaxed a little. She’d allow
herself to have a second helping with dinner or she’d celebrate
with ice cream. She’d find an excuse to skip a few workouts
and before she knew it, she was gaining weight again. She’d
quickly grown disgusted with herself and she wondered, “How
can I not be in control of what I do to my own body?” Julie’s
story certainly isn’t unique. In fact, statistically, the vast majority
of people who lose weight gain it back again. Losing weight is
hard work. So why would anyone go through the pain of
losing it just to gain it all back? Often, it’s because people
begin repeating the same mistakes that caused them to become
overweight in the first place.
Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as
the following:
• You won’t reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to lose
weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking
for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes,
you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at
the same point and won’t be able to move forward.
• The problem won’t get solved. It’s a vicious cycle. When
you repeat a mistake, the problem perpetuates and you’re
more likely to just keep doing the same thing. You’ll never be
able to solve a problem until you do something differently.
• You’ll think differently about yourself. You may begin to
view
yourself as incompetent or a complete failure because you can’t
get past a certain obstacle.
• You may not try as hard. If the first few attempts weren’t
successful, you may be more likely to give up. When you don’t
try as hard, you’re less likely to succeed.
• You may frustrate others who watch you repeat the same
mistakes. If you’re guilty of always getting yourself caught up
in similar problems, your friends and family may grow tired of
hearing you complain. Worse yet, if they’ve had to bail you out
because you’ve repeatedly gotten yourself into problematic
situations, your repeated mistakes will damage your
relationships.
• You may develop irrational beliefs to excuse your
mistakes.
Instead of looking at how your behavior is interfering with your
progress, you may conclude it’s just not “meant to be.” An
overweight person who struggles to lose weight and keep it off
may simply decide, “I’m big-boned. I wasn’t meant to be
smaller.”
AVOID MAKING THE SAME
BLUNDERS OVER AND OVER
AGAIN
To break the yelling cycle Kristy found herself stuck in, she
first
had to examine her discipline style and then come up with
alternative consequences. She knew that in the beginning, her
kids would likely test the new restrictions she imposed, so it
wasn’t until she developed a solid plan to deal with her
emotions that she could effectively manage their misbehavior
without losing her cool.
STUDY THE MISTAKE
In the mid-1800s, Rowland Macy opened a dry goods store in
Haverhill, Massachusetts. Even though he opened the store in a
quiet part of town that rarely attracted visitors, let alone
customers, he was certain that his store would draw attention.
But he was wrong and he was soon struggling to keep the
doors open. In an attempt to attract business to his part of
town, he arranged for a large parade, complete with a
marching band, to lure people into the streets. The parade
ended in front of the store where a well-known businessman
from Boston was scheduled to give a speech.
Unfortunately, due to extremely hot weather on the day of the
parade, no one ventured outdoors to follow the band as
Rowland had expected. His marketing mistakes cost him a lot
of money and, ultimately, his business.
However, Rowland was someone who learned from his
mistakes and just a few short years later, he opened “R.H.
Macy Dry Goods”
in downtown New York. This was his fifth store, following his
previous four failed businesses. But from each mistake he
made, he learned something new. And by the time he opened
“R.H. Macy Dry Goods,” he had learned a lot about running a
business and
marketing it successfully.
Macy’s Department Store has gone on to become one of the
most successful stores in the world. Unlike Rowland’s first
parade, which was held during the high heat of summer, the
store now carries out its annual parade, the Macy’s
Thanksgiving Day Parade during the cool fall weather. Not only
does it attract large crowds into the streets, but it’s also
broadcast on TV to more than forty-four million viewers each
year.
Rowland Macy didn’t simply look for excuses about why his
first business ventures weren’t successful. Instead, he studied
the facts and took responsibility for his part in each mistake.
Then he was able to apply that knowledge to help him do
something different the next time.
If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time
studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside,
acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn
from it. Look for an explanation without making an excuse.
Ask yourself the following questions:
• What went wrong? Spend a little bit of time reflecting on
your mistakes. Try to discern the facts about what happened.
Maybe you overspend on your budget every month because
you can’t resist shopping. Or maybe you get into the same
argument with your spouse repeatedly because the issue never
really resolves itself. Examine what thoughts, behaviors, and
external factors contributed to the mistake.
• What could I have done better? As you reflect on the
situation, look for things you could have done better. Maybe
you didn’t
stick with something long enough. For example, maybe you
gave up on trying to lose weight after only two weeks. Or
maybe your mistake is that you find too many excuses about
why you shouldn’t exercise and as a result, you just don’t stick
with an effective weight-loss routine. Give yourself an honest
evaluation.
• What can I do differently next time? Saying you’re not
going to make a mistake again and actually doing it are two
very separate things. Think about what you can do differently
next time to avoid making the same mistake. Identify clear
strategies you can use to avoid resorting to your old behavior.
CREATE A PLAN
During my college internship, I spent some time working in an
inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. Many of the
patients attending the program had tried to address their
substance abuse issues before. By the time they came to our
facility, they were discouraged and fed up with the fact they
couldn’t stop drinking and using drugs. But after a few weeks
of intensive treatment, their attitudes usually shifted. They
became hopeful about the future and determined that this time,
they weren’t going to go back to their old ways.
But, before patients could graduate from the program, they
needed a clear discharge plan. This plan was meant to help
them keep the same positive outlook on recovery after they
were discharged from the facility. To avoid returning to their
previous habits, they needed to make some serious lifestyle
changes.
For most people, that meant they had to find a new social
circle.
They couldn’t go back to hanging around their old friends who
used drugs or drank heavily. Some of them had to make job
changes too.
Developing healthier habits may mean ending an unhealthy
relationship or trading parties for support group meetings.
Each person participated in developing a written plan that
included resources and strategies to remain sober. The people
who were most successful in their recovery followed their plans.
Those who went back to their old lifestyles tended to relapse
because they couldn’t resist making the same mistakes. There
were just too many unhealthy temptations when they returned
to their previous environments. No matter what type of
mistakes you’re trying to avoid, the key to success lies in
developing a good plan. Developing a written plan increases the
likelihood that you’ll follow through with it.
Follow these steps to create a written plan that will help you
avoid repeating your mistakes:
1. Establish behavior that will replace previous behavior.
Instead of drinking alcohol to cope with stress, a person could
identify alternative strategies, such as going for a walk or calling
a friend. Decide what healthy behavior will help you avoid
repeating unhealthy behavior.
2. Identify warning signs that you’re headed down the
wrong path again. It’s important to be on the lookout for old
behavior patterns that may return. Perhaps you’ll know your
spending habits are getting out of control again when you
begin putting purchases on credit cards.
3. Find a way to hold yourself accountable. It’ll be more
difficult to hide your mistakes or ignore them when you’re
being held accountable. Talking to a trusted friend or relative
who is willing to hold you accountable and point out your
blunders can be helpful. You may also be able to increase the
likelihood that you’ll hold yourself accountable by keeping a
journal or using a calendar to chart your progress.
PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE
Self-discipline isn’t something you either have or you don’t.
Instead, everyone has the ability to increase their self-discipline.
Saying no to a bag of chips or a couple of cookies requires
self-control. As does exercising when you don’t feel like it.
Avoiding those mistakes that can derail your progress requires
constant vigilance and hard work.
Here are some things to keep in mind when working to
increase your self-control:
• Practice tolerating discomfort. Whether you’re feeling lonely
and you’re tempted to text message that ex who isn’t good for
you or you’re craving a sweet treat that will blow your diet,
practice tolerating the discomfort. Although people often
convince themselves if they “give in just this once” it will help,
research shows otherwise. Each time you give in you reduce
your self-control.
• Use positive self-talk. Realistic affirmations can help you
resist
temptation in moments of weakness. Saying things like “I can
do this” or “I’m doing a great job working toward my goals”
can help you stay on track.
• Keep your goals in mind. Focusing on the importance of
your goals helps decrease temptations. So if you focus on how
good you’ll feel when your car is paid off, you’ll be less
tempted to make that purchase that will wreak havoc on the
month’s budget.
• Impose restrictions on yourself. If you know you’re likely to
spend too much money when you’re out with friends, only
take a small amount of cash with you. Take steps that make it
difficult, if not impossible, for you to give in when you’re faced
with temptation.
• Create a list of all the reasons why you don’t want to
repeat your mistake. Carry this list with you. When you’re
tempted to resort to your previous behavior pattern, read this
list to yourself.
It can increase your motivation to resist repeating old patterns.
For example, create a list of reasons why you should go for a
walk after dinner. When you’re tempted to watch TV instead of
exercise, read the list and it may increase your motivation to
move forward.
LEARNING FROM MISTAKES
WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
After quitting school at the age of twelve, Milton Hershey went
to
work at a print shop, but he soon realized he wasn’t interested
in a career in the printing business. So he went to work at a
candy and ice cream shop. At the age of nineteen, he decided
to open his own candy company. He gained financial support
from his family and got the business off the ground. However,
the company wasn’t successful and within a few years, he was
forced to declare bankruptcy.
Following his failed business attempt, he went to Colorado
where he hoped to get rich in the booming silver mining
industry. But he arrived too late and he struggled to find work.
He eventually found a job with another candy maker. It was
there that he learned how fresh milk made excellent candy.
Hershey moved to New York City to open his own candy
business again. He hoped the skills and information he had
learned would help his second candy venture become a
success. But Hershey lacked funding, and there were too many
other candy stores in the area. Again, his endeavor failed. At
this point, many people in his family who had helped fund his
entrepreneurial efforts shunned him for his mistakes.
But Hershey didn’t give up. He moved back to Pennsylvania
and opened a caramel-making company. He made candy
during the day and sold caramels on the streets during the
evenings with a pushcart.
He eventually received a large order and was able to secure a
bank loan to fill it. As soon as the order was paid for,
Hershey was able to pay off the loan and launch the Lancaster
Caramel Company.
Soon, he became a millionaire and one of the most successful
businesspeople in his area.
He continued to expand his business. He began making
chocolate, and by 1900, he sold the Lancaster Caramel
Company and opened a chocolate factory. Hershey worked
tirelessly on perfecting his chocolate formula. He quickly became
the only person in the United States to mass-produce milk
chocolate, and soon he began selling chocolate all over the
world.
When sugar became scarce during World War I, Hershey
established his own sugar refinery in Cuba. But as soon as the
war ended, the sugar market collapsed. Once again, Hershey
found himself in financial trouble. He borrowed money from
the bank, but he had to mortgage his properties until the loan
was paid off.
Nevertheless, Hershey managed to get his business back in
order and he paid off the loan within two years.
Not only did he build a thriving chocolate factory, but he
created a thriving town. During the Great Depression, Hershey
was able to keep his employees working. He created a variety
of buildings in the town, including a school, a sports arena,
and a hotel. The new construction employed many people.
Throughout all his success, he also became a great
philanthropist. Hershey’s ability to learn from his mistakes
helped him go from running failed candy businesses to owning
the world’s biggest chocolate company. Even today, the town
known as Hershey, Pennsylvania, is adorned with streetlights in
the shape of Hershey’s Kisses, and over three million visitors
tour the Hershey’s world chocolate factory to learn how Milton
Hershey made chocolate go from a bean to a bar.
When you view mistakes not as something negative but instead
as an opportunity to improve yourself, you’ll be able to devote
time and energy into making sure you don’t repeat them. In
fact, mentally strong people are often willing to share their
mistakes with other
people in an effort to help prevent them from making the
same mistakes.
In the case of Kristy, she felt enormous relief once she was
able to stop yelling at her children every day. She learned that
it was normal for her kids to break the rules at times, but she
had choices in how she responded. She felt like their home
was a much happier place when they weren’t yelling at one
another. When Kristy stopped repeating her discipline mistakes
and was able to impose effective consequences for her kids,
she felt more in control of herself and of her life.
TROUBLESHOOTING AND
COMMON TRAPS
There are usually many different ways to solve a particular
problem.
If your current method hasn’t been successful, be open to
trying something new. Learning from each mistake requires
self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest
keys to reaching your full potential.