# Jokes

Here you can shitpost your jokes that are somehow related to this wiki's topic. Just watch out for copyright (no copy-pasting jokes from other sites)!

Please do NOT post lame "big-bang-theory"/9gag jokes like *sudo make sandwich* or *there are 10 types of people*.

Also remember the worst thing you can do to a joke is put a disclaimer on it. Never fucking do that.

{ Many of the jokes are original, some are shamelessly pulled from other sites and reworded. I don't believe copyright can apply if the expression of a joke is different, ideas can't be copyrighted. Also the exact origins of jokes are difficult to track so it's probably a kind of folklore. ~drummyfish }

{ I would like to thank my friend Ramon who contributed to me many ideas for jokes here :D I usually modified them slightly. ~drummyfish }

- C++
- Why doesn't C++ have garbage collection? Because then it would have to collect itself.
- Why is the maximum speed called terminal velocity? Because GUIs are slow.
- `body { background-color: salmon; }`
- What's the worst kind of lag? Gulag.
- Ingame chat: "What's the country in the middle of north Africa?" {BANNED}
- What does a Marxist call C++? Class struggle.
- What sound does an angry C programmer make? ARGCCCC ARGVVVVVVVV
- A three-letter free software organization interviews a guy seeking job. The interviewer says: "You'll get the job if you prove yourself. Here are some grenades, go and throw one to the Microsoft building and another one to a drugstore." The guy replies "Why drugstore?" The interviewer says: "You're hired."
- I can tell if a girl has sense of humor just by feeling her breasts.
- I have a mentally ill friend who tried to design the worst operating system on purpose. It boots for at least 10 minutes, then it changes the user's desktop background to random ads and it randomly crashes to make the user angry. He recently told me he is getting sued by Microsoft for violating their look and feel.
- I am using a super minimal system, it only has one package installed on it. It is called systemd (alternatively Emacs).
- Any Windows tutorial is really best called a "crash course".
- How do you know a project is truly suckless? The readme is longer than the program itself.
- How do you know a project is truly LRS? Its manifesto is longer than the program itself.
- How do you know a program is truly copyleft? Its license is longer than its source code.
- How do you know a program is truly permissive? Its license is shorter than ur dick.
- How do you know a project is truly bloated? Instructions on how to build it are longer than whole specification of a suckless programming language. { Also tranny software: COC is longer than source code etcetc. ~drummyfish }
- Do you use Emacs? No, I already have an operating system.
- Do you use Emacs? No, I already have a waifu.
- Do you use Emacs? No, I already have carpal tunnel. Etc. :D
- What's the difference between Elon Musk and a bucket full of shit? The bucket.
- Why do Jews have such big noses? Because air is free.
- `alias bitch=sudo`
- What's a trilobyte? 8 trilobits.
- "Never test for a bug that you don't know how to fix." --manager; "If we cannot fix it, it isn't broken." --also manager
- a joke for minimalists:
- When is Micro$oft finally gonna make a product that doesn't suck???! Probably when they start manufacturing vacuum cleaners.
- How many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
- What do you call a programming languages specifically designed for women? Object oriented languages.
- Why does a Ruby hater dislike gemini? Because it has gem. { Thanks to my dear friend :D ~drummyfish }
- Can free software lead to insanity? I don't know, but it can make you GNUts.
- Man sits on a toilet, taking a shit, he takes a piece of toilet paper, wipes sweat off of his face, then wipes his ass with it and goes away. The next day he does the same, he sits, takes a shit, wipes his face, wipes his ass, goes away. The third day he goes to the toilet, takes a shit, wipes his ass, wipes his face... oh shit :D { I came up with this when I was taking a shit. ~drummyfish }
- Political activists walk into a bar. Pseudoleftist tells his friends: "hey guys, how about we have oppressive rulers and call them a government?" Capitalist says: "well no, let's have oppressive rulers and call them corporations". Liberal replies: "Why not both?". Monarchist goes: "no, it's all wrong, let's have oppressive rulers and call them Kings." To this pseudo communist says: "that's just shit, let's have oppressive rulers and call them the proletariat". Then anarcho pacifist turns to them and says: "Hmmm, how about we don't have any oppressive rulers?". They lynch him.
- There are a lot of jokes at https://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/. Also http://textfiles.com/humor/JOKES/, http://textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt and so on. Also on wikiwikiweb under *CategoryJoke*, *ProgrammerLightBulbJokes*, also https://www.gnu.org/fun/ etc.
- Hello, is this anonymous pedophile help hotline? Yes. My 8yo wants it real bad, will I give her better pleasure with oral or anal?
- What do you call a woman that made a computer explode just by typing on it? Normal.
- Does the invisible hand exist in the free market? Maybe, but if so then all it's doing is masturbating (or giving us a middle finger).
- 90% of statistics are fake.
- When will they remove the *touch* and *kill* commands from Unix? Probably when they rename *man pages* to *person pages*.
- If law was viewed as a programming code, it would be historically the worst case of bloated spaghetti code littered with magic constants, undefined symbols and dead code, which is additionally deployed silently and without any testing. Yet it's the most important algorithm of our society.
- What does a chess player say when he meets another chess player? hElo. { Again thanks to a friend <3 ~drummyfish }
- C++ is to C as brain cancer is to brain.
- Entropy is no longer what it used to be. Nostalgia too.
- At the beginning there was machine code. Then they added assembly on top of it to make it more comfortable. To make programs portable they created an operating system and a layer of syscalls. Except it didn't work because other people made other operating systems with different syscalls. So to try to make it portable again they created a high-level language compiler on top of it. To make it yet more comfortable they created yet a higher level language and made a transpiler to the lower level language. To make building more platform independent and comfortable they created makefiles on top of it. However, more jobs were needed so they created CMake on top of makefiles, just in case. It seems like CMake nowadays seems too low level so a new layer will be needed above all the meta-meta-meta build systems. I wonder how high of a tower we can make, maybe they're just trying to get a Guinness world record for the greatest bullshit sandwich in history.
- How to install a package on Debian? I don't know, but on my Arch it's done with `pacman`.
- BTW I play An Arch.
- Get a job! I would, but still can't decide between a handjob and blowjob.
- green capitalism :'D my sides
- Difference between a beginner and pro programmer? Pro programmer fails in a much more sophisticated manner.
- What is a computer? A device that can make a hundred million very precise mistakes per second.
- A very progressive African country recently allowed women in universities. The prime minister said: "the cleaning won't do itself".
- Which drink is the favorite of a liberal? Wine.
- What kind of public transport do afroamericans use most commonly? Back seat of a police car.
- The new version of MacOS is going to constantly have gay porn playing as a wallpaper. Why? So that you don't feel alone in being fucked in the ass when using it.
- How many Python programmers do you need to change a lightbulb? Only one -- he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
- After all it may not take so long to establish our utopia. By the time Windows has updated we will have already done it ten times over.
- One of the biggest milestones yet left to be achieved by science is to find intelligent life in our Solar System.
- An evil capitalist, good capitalist and female genius walk in the park. A bee stings one of them. Who did it sting? The evil capitalists, the other two don't exist.
- Why did Bill Gate$ make Windows? After watching Nascar he wanted to bring the excitement of constant crashed to the computing world.
- 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang rape.
- What does a shitty programmer say when his program crashes? OOPs. { Thanks my secret friend. :D ~drummyfish }
- Basement hackers never die, they just smell that way. Musicians never die, they just decompose (and musicians working part time are semiconductors).
- What's more disgusting than 100 dead babies in a trash bin? One live at the bottom eating its way up.
- `int randomInt(void) { int x; return x; }`
- I've dedicate my life to finding my wife's murderer. If you're interested, send me your number, I pay well.
- Boss: "We're going to need to store additional information about gender of all 1600 people in our database." Me: "OK that's only 200 extra bytes.". Diversity department: "You're fired."
- Java is like Alzheimers -- it starts slow and in some time takes away all your memory.
- the downto operator
- My girlfriend just left me, she said it's because she thought I was a pedophile. Those are some strong words for an eleven year old.
- Schizophrenia beats being alone.
- Our new app partly adopts the KISS philosophy, specifically the "stupid" part.
- I just had sex with a German chick, for some reason she kept yelling her age. (Or maybe she just didn't consent.)
- What does a broken gun and black employee have in common? Neither works and neither can be fired.
- I find it much more pleasant to browse the web on a 1 bit display, it can't display a rainbow.
- What's long and sticky? A stick.
- The term *military intelligence* is an oxymoron. The term *criminal lawyer* is a redundancy.
- Why are noobs the most pacifist beings in existence? Because they never beat anyone.
- What does short circuited capacitor and gratis software have in common? They are free of charge.
- You scratch my tape, I scratch yours.
- There's a new version of Debian Bull's Eye that's compiled exclusively with Rust. Its code name is Bull's Shit.
- Manager is that who thinks 9 women can produce a child in 1 month.
- Have you heard the atheists are starting their own non-prophet?
- The latest gender studies paper concluded that if God exists, he is both man and woman, black and white, child and adult, straight and homosexual. Basically imagine Michael Jackson.
- Why does a woman laugh before you tell her a joke? She just got the one you told her last year.
- Two guys who work at Microsoft go to a casino and stop by a roulette, wondering what number to bet on. One asks the other: "How many times a week do you have sex with your wife?". The guy replies: "Well, usually about 2 times." The first guys says: "Alright, I get laid about 3 times a weak, so let's add it up and bet on 5". The roulette starts spinning and the ball stops at 0. The guy concludes: "See? If we were honest we'd have won."
- What's a black sprinter called in America? Guilty.
- What's do you call a lesbian with long nails? Single.
- Which argument fallacy is best used against an LGBT soyentist? Ad homosexual.
- Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, do business.
- What is vomit inducing programming called? Boolenia.
- How do you accelerate a Windows PC? By dropping it out of the window. (Hence the name?)
- What does safe sex mean? It's when the girl doesn't know your name or address.
- Shakespeare for programmers: `0x2b || !0x2b`. { This one is a bit lame but at least it's not so common :D ~drummyfish }
- Is "militant Christian" an oxymoron? No, just a moron.
- An Apple a day keeps sanity away.
- The goal of computer science is to create things that will last at least until we're finished building them.
- Vision is what capitalist claims to have had after making a correct guess.
- Why is Hitler so inspiring to bodybuilders? He burned over 30 million calories in just 4 years.
- How many lesbians do you need to screw a lightbulb? Eleven: one to screw it and ten to talk about how great it was doing it without a man.
- Look at that obese singer typing something on her laptop. I think it's a Dell.
- Two women in prison shared a cell for 25 years, what did one say to the other when they were released? "Let's meet next week, you gotta tell me the rest."
- Did you know how copper wire was invented? When two Jews found the same penny on the ground.
- A policeman interrogates a witness of an assault of a gay activist. He asks: "So you saw these 4 men attack the guy? Why didn't you help?". The guy says: "I thought 4 was already enough".
- What's big and bloated? Your mom.
- A fine is tax for doing bad, a tax is fine for doing good.
- What do you like most in a woman? My dick.
- Engineer is that who thinks of equations as approximations of the real world. Scientist is someone who thinks of real world as approximation of the equations. Mathematician is that who can't see a connection between real world and equations.
- USA is the fastest progressing country in the world: it managed to jump from the uncivilized stage right to decadence without even going through the transitional stage of civilization.
- 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
- What do broccoli and anal sex have in common? You probably won't like it as an adult if you're forced it as a kid.
- A black jew, man in a horse mask and obese transsexual walk into a bar. Oh sorry, you wanted a joke? I'm just describing France in 2020s.
- Autocorrect is my worst enema.
- Who is the most cited scientist in the world? Al. Hahahahahaha, get it? :D Al...
- Today in Women's Chess News we are looking at this awesome game with a brilliant king sacrifice.
- A brilliant woman mathematician just computed the biggest known prime number. It is six times bigger than the previous record!
- If man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- A transsexual, coder and a capitalist find a magic device with a text written on it that says: "you cannot tell me a lie!" They decide to test it, so the transsexual says: "I think I'm a real woman" -- and PUFF, he disappears. The coder says: "I think I am smart" -- and PUFF, he disappears. The capitalist says: "I think ..." -- and PUFF, he's gone.
- A rich faggot passes by a poor fisherman, he asks the fisherman: "Hey, nice fishing, why don't you buy a boat and hire a few employees to help you out?". The guy says: "Why?" The rich guy continues: "So that you catch more fish, sell them, keep the surplus and buy even more boats." The guy says: "Why?" The rich guy responds: "So that you can make a big business, buy the best ships and have hundreds, if not thousands of employees. Eventually you can make so much money that you'll just pay people to do everything for you, you'll get free time to do whatever you want, like..." -- The guy interrupts him: "go fishing?"
- Two blonde women are conversing, one of them brings up her superior intellectual abilities: "I've always had a great memory for numbers." The other asks: "Like for example?" The first answers: "For example the number 3461359." The other ask: "Okay, what does that number mean?" The first replies: "That I don't remember anymore, I said I only remembered numbers."
- Hey I won a box with lifetime supply of condoms in an assembly programming competition! Turns out the box was just empty.
- What do you do when an epileptic falls into a pool? Throw in your laundry.
- What does a pirate on a sinking ship say? "Leak, arrrr!" { Donated by Ramon :D ~drummyfish }
- There's a new trend on TikTok: the Russian roulette challenge. No one has won yet, they forgot to tell them it's played with a revolver.
- In C++ friends have access to your private members.
- Hey, do you like podcasts? I don't need that, I have schizophrenia.
- The new version of Windows is going to be backdoor free! The backdoor will be free of charge.

## See Also

- LMAO
- fun