time this video is out i don't know essentially i had to quarantine in a different state for a few days and i had a therapy session while i was quarantining and i got to like video chat and stuff and my friend jake was quarantining with me so i had to like shove him out and i was like please go into the other room and like put in your little noise canceling headphones that you always make fun of me for not having um and don't listen to my therapy session thank you very much i talked to my therapist and i was like i really really want to do this one thing in particular but i'm really really scared too and embarrassed that i even want to do it and i also feel like so immensely privileged and it just feels like such an PROFANITY_TOKEN thing to do and i just i'm so scared to do it and she's like what is it and i was like i just want to take a month off of just like any expectations from me like i don't want any expectations from me at all like i just want to simply exist and live my life and get myself back into order and properly process my diagnosis and work on myself properly so that i can be a better person not only to myself but to those around me because i wasn't being the best person that i could be and i knew i could be and i think people around me knew that i was struggling a lot like with my youtube channel and just feeling kind of like potentially burnt out and just feeling kind of off about everything but i was just feeling off in general like i wasn't pursuing any hobbies other than just like reading to an excess to like escape my own brain essentially like i was reading like three to four books a week just because i didn't want to deal with the thoughts inside of my head news flash it worked but not for long and my therapist was like why why can't you take a break like what is actually stopping you i was like well everyone tells you that if you take a break from youtube then your like career is essentially over and it's a bad thing to do and it just is bad like you just shouldn't do it and then the algorithm will hurt me and then i'll come back and i'll be upset and it'll just be this really awful cycle so i might as well just keep pushing through even though i'm not at the happiest point possible the answer did not make me make sense at all and i felt like such a PROFANITY_TOKEN hypocrite because i was sitting here making these videos about how to be the most confident person and how to stop hating yourself yeah i hated myself more than anything and i was not confident in myself at all because i felt like i couldn't do the things that i wanted to do then i'm like preaching empowerment and how to stand up for yourself and i couldn't do that for my own self i can stand up to myself and i've taken a lot of like smaller breaks like i took a break like earlier on in the summer i would go and touch grass and i would go on hikes but i wouldn't like think about my feelings or what i was actually thinking i was actually pushing them out and avoiding them because i didn't even want
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