so getting into this a bit more the other reason that i am feeling a bit self-conscious probably in all of this is because hormones you know it happens i'm not pregnant or anything but you know i have been filming myself a lot and looking at myself a lot and usually i'm good about like i don't know kind of like turning my brain off a bit when i'm filming or turning the part of my brain off that's staring at myself and like or that recognizes khadijah like i'm good about like just being like this is a youtube person this isn't khadija like i treat my videos like i'm editing a stranger's videos almost um but sometimes it still creeps in and i'm just looking at myself especially when i'm sitting down and i'm like oh are you looking a bit chubbier in this like when i did the video vixen video i was feeling self-conscious about the crop top that i was wearing because it felt like i was like if i bent in a certain position my stomach wouldn't look flat like is so stupid it's so stupid and the other part that i have to acknowledge about that is that i typically i like every part of my body except for my stomach except for the weight that i carry there which is natural because i have extra weight in my hips thighs and butt so i have to stop and be like okay it's the instagram influencers slim thick body type and the expectation of a flat stomach with that it's also probably internalized fat phobia khadijah be honest with yourself which is hard for me to say because i think i always say this we all like to believe that we're much nicer and much better people than we actually are and it's not to say that we're all evil terrible bad people but we all have capacity to do harm to each other and ourselves and we have to think about that and so i think about is it still okay for me to be accepting of fat bodies if i can't accept that my body will gain weight do you know what i mean i don't know if i have an answer to that because genuinely in my core i just think that people just have bodies and that's just what it is and if your body is doing stuff to help you then great but for my body for me i get self-conscious if i like have gained weight i don't know and i was talking to a friend about it yesterday sir and i have like similar-ish bodies and stuff and so i was just like you know i wish that i either was like NUMBER_TOKEN pounds lighter in terms of like where the fat's collecting in my body or like NUMBER_TOKEN pounds heavier so that i could actually just be as curvy as i am i feel like because i'm taller i'm in this in-between place where if i'm not in the skinnier end-ish of my body then you can see my shape but it still looks a bit unhealthy or it doesn't look like nicely shaped but i've never been in like the bigger bigger end to like see what my body would look like like that but i'd rather be that or
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