relationship with myself started changing now if you've been on my channel for a while you guys would know that like years ago when everything happened with my lung and i didn't know if i was gonna survive it changed my relationship with myself and my relationship with life because ultimately i really started to realize how precious life is how quickly life can be taken and how much i just didn't care what people who didn't know my heart or know me thought of me and that lasted for a while and then i started to recognize when these comments started coming in and i was kind of feeling blah but myself trapped inside the house for well over a year and just losing my motivation and my drive and my ambition i really didn't have that mentality anymore what people thought of me started creeping in and it it started taking a toll on my mental health and then therefore representing itself through my physical health and so then the comments switched from you know pregnancy speculation although they were still there but it started getting into like you're still very pretty even though you've gained so much weight which is incredibly condescending um or comments saying like you know i like the way you used to look before better or hey oh these are my favorites people trying to advise me on how i should be eating and to watch what i'm eating when there was a number of factors coming in one of which being health for me playing in a role but that doesn't even matter like that is besides the point so as these comments started coming in my relationship with myself started deteriorating and i started to feel ugly and i started to feel i don't know how to even put it into words but you know i didn't want to dress cute because i didn't feel good in how i was looking i didn't want to film so my my content was sparse i would create upload schedules and then like miss the upload dates because i would go to edit the video and like couldn't even look at myself on the screen because i already knew the comments that were going to come in when i posted set video and so it was so interesting to me now looking back on all of this how much how i viewed myself and how i felt about myself affected literally everything around me it affected relationships because i didn't really want to see anybody when i could finally like go out and see people it affected my physical health because i truly believe in my core and my essence what you speak over yourself you become and so i was getting worse and worse as i was speaking so negatively over myself and so uh my work was effective because i didn't want to film i didn't want to post um and just overall it affected my entire life all stemming from one single root of something which was the fact that i wasn't valuing myself self-love is a very interesting journey and it has a lot of highs and lows and it always will that's just how life is you're always going to have your highs you're going to have your lows and i was just in such a funk over the last year and then reading those comments and losing my motivation to create because ultimately creating meant putting myself out there which meant people were seeing me in a way that i didn't even want to see myself and it just created this like overall heartbreak and sadness in my life and then my grandma
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