i live out here in las cruces new mexico right on the edge of the chihuahuan desert about once a month me and a few buddies of mine drive out to the chihuahuan desert national park to drink coronas and grill up some meat on a campfire all but one of us are married with kids now having put our wilder days behind us so getting out to the nature park every so often is pretty much the only time we get to hang out and escape the mundanity of family life don't get me wrong i love my wife and kids and i'm pretty happy in my career but nothing beats hooking up with the boys for a few hours of beer and big boy talk so this one time we're out there sinking brews and talking about the cardinals with hot dogs and jerky when i find myself needing to sneak off to go pee i find myself a collection of little shrubs to serve as an impromptu urinal then unsheath my pork sword and begin to relieve myself i should note at this point that i'm wearing khaki shorts and boots so you can picture how this goes down right as i finish up and i'm zipping my fly back up i feel something tickling the hairs on my left leg i look down and there is a scorpion crawling up my leg now you should know i am absolutely terrified of spiders and scorpions like deathly terrified anyone else might have just slapped the thing off their leg like a ninja but i just freeze up completely watching as the thing continues to crawl up my leg using the hairs to get higher and higher until it's in serious danger of sneaking up the leg of my shorts i had like one last chance to get that thing off me before it disappeared and unfortunately for me i simply could not summon the bravery to do so so i was forced to watch as the evil little thing crawled up my shorts and this next part is why i no longer wear boxer shorts and made a heavy investment into a bunch of snug fitting trunks in the aftermath of this nightmarish event because the scorpion doesn't stop when it's hidden away under my shorts and i can feel it slowly but surely crawling up my thigh further and further until it reaches the loose opening in my underwear now at this point my buddies are calling out to me and making all these dumb jokes i wanted to tell them what was going on maybe they would have been able to find a way to rescue me from a fate worse than death but like i said i was just frozen in absolute terror as i feel the scorpion crawling into my underwear and dangerously close to my junk by the time my buddy jay walks over to actually see if i'm okay i can actually feel the scorpion crawling over my junk as i feel its sharp little legs digging into the sensitive flesh down there it takes absolutely all my strength to just turn my head to face them and immediately they know something is horribly wrong i am sweating i'm pale my hands are shaking and i can barely talk but i do manage to get out the words scorpion on my junk jay says back what did you say dude there's a scorpion on your junk like for
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