that to the estrogen i'm someone who really really cares i get emotional about things and that signal goes all the way down now it's no longer just as simple as me thinking this is sad and that's the end of it now it's this is sad and therefore i'm saddened by it just i just didn't feel like that before i know i've always been pretty emotional on this channel but again it felt like just an emulation like one part of me was sad or happy or whatever but the rest of my mind just wasn't able to receive that signal i've got three records hanging up on my wall in my bedroom and i'm saving this last space the fourth space up on top for when my boyfriend moves in and brings his own records and just looking at that vacancy on the wall makes me feel genuine longing the type of longing that i never thought i'd have access to christmas NUMBER_TOKEN just NUMBER_TOKEN days ago not even it was my first christmas with estrogen and i remember feeling so strange i was actually happy to be getting gifts like genuinely emotionally happy all the way down i felt fuzzy inside whereas before it felt like one part of my brain told the other that i was supposed to be happy but the message was lost in translation so i just put on a smile and hugged whoever gave me the gift get excited for those tiny wins in life now like someone cooking a great meal for me or ranking up in a game i smile when i look up at my guitars in the corner of my bedroom i'd laugh at stuff harder than i ever did before you can ask any of my friends this all just sounds like normal human behavior but i swear on my life that all of these things feel new to me i thought i was a psychopath before it felt like i would never really care about anything even in my subscriber milestone videos videos that are supposed to represent huge moments of pride in my life i just feel this air of disingenuity if that's the word coming off of me like a robot that isn't living a life is just trying to look like it it wasn't that i didn't live i mean there were still things i'd get excited about and still get sad about other things but it just felt like i didn't have a horse on the race because i knew that whatever happened to me in my life i would just feel kind of gray through the whole thing after a few minutes and this is something that i think has been pretty regularly represented throughout my videos over the years just like my cruelty squad video or my disco elysium one i'm talking about feelings of true disconnect from humanity utter boredom with your own existence because those are the things i felt now though well i am rooting for myself i look forward to my successes because i know that they'll feel incredible i look forward to the future maybe i did have some sort of psychopathy i know that's not really a term used in the medical world anymore but i felt like a psychopath unfeeling cold calculated i don't know if it was nature or nurture but i've been missing something my whole life humanity i don't mean to be too melodramatic i wasn't totally emotionless before but every feeling was just so hollow like an emulation now though
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