had to not go somewhere for one of the greatest events of my life i wouldn't have went but isn't there some aspect there combined with the triggers like maybe it's wise to avoid triggers even like for your own personal health well-being well that's it it's for me that was one of my triggers so that you have triggers so and then you also deal with things like um sounds and smells you can tell you can tell when someone's triggered a lot of vets don't like fireworks it's like okay we'll remove yourself from the situation so there's there's other things within ptsd that kind of rear its head that with ptsd kind of attach other things so like when i was diagnosed with ptsd it was like four years later i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and that was kind of a compilation of things that was just like a PROFANITY_TOKEN show there what is major depressive good question is there an answer i don't have one i was told i had it okay so i mean um what does your mind go through where are the places that my mind goes your mind goes like the dark places when i get triggered and when it was like really bad yeah okay yeah so um you thought about suicide every minute of every day what are the pros of suicide in your mind at that time what at that time the pros were no one has to deal with this anymore i don't have to feel this way anymore i'm a burden to my family i'm a burden to the military system i'm weak i'm a bad soldier i didn't do my job i don't deserve to be alive i don't deserve veterans affair support i don't deserve my my parents don't deserve to watch me go through this the guy i was dating didn't deserve to put up with the PROFANITY_TOKEN i put him through the people who drive with me in cars didn't deserve to almost hit medians because i swerved because of a piece of garbage people didn't deserve my racist outburst people didn't deserve people didn't i did not deserve to be breathing anymore i should have died there and i wished i died there so um self-hate there too oh not even a big deal though right that's at the core of it that that's like this um and so uh how do you escape from that place how do you overcome that those that depression essentially at the core of the desire to kill yourself what um what basic principles i mean we could talk about ayahuasca but basically principles of like literally like how do you escape that moment yeah previous to any of that i i did from NUMBER_TOKEN i got out so i was medically i was NUMBER_TOKENb medical honorable discharge in NUMBER_TOKEN may NUMBER_TOKENrd NUMBER_TOKEN. so i left the military then and so it's been NUMBER_TOKEN years just over NUMBER_TOKEN years oh my god it's NUMBER_TOKEN and a half years i just realized happy anniversary thanks man awesome so i've been out for NUMBER_TOKEN years and i would say the reason i didn't kill myself for the longest time was the individual i was dating that that was that was straight across the board that was it um for me there was no relief for about six years of the the thought of just kill yourself kill yourself
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