Thread: The Pros and Cons of Breathing (And Why I should just Stop)

A silly squabble that ended in something I should have done long ago. Hi, I'm Resi, the person Absinthresher is talking about in this entire thread here. This isn't easy to talk about and I've tried a lot to deal with the entire situation in the best way I know possible. Letting go of a bad habit. Yes, I'm trans. Yes, I hate using that fucking word. Yes, I wish I wasn't like this. No, I can't do anything to make it go away. No, transitioning will not make me suicidal. What has made me suicidal is the dysphoria when it actually gets fucking unbearable. When I was younger, Jay pestered me to read a web comic called Questionable Content because he thought I'd like it because there's some 4chan robot or something like that. I did enjoy the webcomic for the amount of time I read it, but I've forgotten characters and story overall because I get bored of keeping up with web comics. However, there's one character in the comic that had a father who simply killed himself in front of his family one day. No explanation given and it was something that simply happened. During that time, I was going through a huge depression, not inflicted by the dysphoria, but simply a shitty life in general. I would spend all day in bed and on the computer wasting my time wishing I could just not have to be awake. That character's father, I identified deeply with, for reasons I never understood. I didn't want to kill myself right then and there. I just thought to myself, Some day I'm just gonna grow up and kill myself. like it's a completely normal thing to think. At the beginning of this year I started to actually follow transgender related topics because for the longest time it has been something that piqued my curiosity. I felt a deep connection to it, yet at the same time I tried to remain ignorant to the topic. Funny, how denial works. I knew, but I didn't want to say it or acknowledge it. I talked with some friends, I joined a community that helps other trans people and I asked questions, they asked me questions back. The one question that stood out to me was, Do you want to grow up as your current gender? That question made me sit down and think, a lot. I thought about my life and how I was growing up. I tried to find excuses for why I felt like this and tried to figure out what it was exactly that made me feel dysphoric. I thought about that QC character's father and I felt that question I was asked was really all I needed to know about making this decision. Who the fuck thinks that it's just something everyone is going to do some day? Grow up and kill themselves? That's horrible. I never wanted that. I just thought it was something people did because they feel like I do. Dyphoria fucking sucks, there's no question about that. And other people who've posted are right. Absinthresher knows nothing of what I deal with mentally and I would say that he shouldn't be telling me that I have a mental illness and then proceed to link me a video that basically reinforces his skewed viewpoint. That video, I did watch it. The title alone was enough to put me off, but I did watch it. It showcases Caitlyn Jenner as the first topic and I think, Okay, some scummy person who killed a guy. No one looks up to Caitlyn Jenner as some sort of inspiration so far as I know. I don't think they're a good person. The next case in that video is a 50something year old who transitioned and now is into non-sexual Child Play. Yeah, if you watched something like this video without actually knowing real trans people you'd say, Fucking wow these people are goddamn freaks. Then there's two more cases in the video, one of them being those silly other-kin people. Other-kin isn't real. That's all I'm going to say on that front. It was a huge blowup argument between the both of us, but not really. Absinthresher was trying to make me feel bad for not watching the video and wow it hurt your feelings you're a SJW. He was trying to discuss things incorrectly and it wasn't something I wanted to deal with. I did want him to have proper information, but he instead decided that the resources he had were better than resources from people who actually deal with this stuff. He was misguided in his thoughts and believed that I'm doing something drastic and it's going to hurt me. SRS is a very big decision even for a trans person and I'm not sure if I really want to deal with that at this moment. All I want right now is HRT to make me feel comfortable in my own goddamn body. Some of you people are correct in your assessment of Absinthresher's character. Part of me hopes he'll get better. I wish he would. But I really don't think it's something that can be cured, much like my dysphoria. Making the decision to let go of him was and still is a hard decision. Which is why I'm here right now talking about this nonsense. I hope that he'll get better some day. Maybe I'll keep some minimal contact with you, Jay. It's not easy to deal with you when you try to shift blame and make me feel bad for how you are. What happened is done with, but if you really want to know more, why don't you see it from my point of view? EDIT Here's basically almost the entire conversation we had. There are probably some parts missing because I didn't properly document everything, but I think if Jay wishes this to be public then people should know how both of us acted.