Thread: Im not insane..

I was told by a friend of mine the other day, You love without expectation or hope, and that is what scares me about you. I had no clue what she meant, I found it unnerving she would say such a thing about me till I looked into it. I believe that love is knowledge of who another person is and acceptance of it without compensating or hiding faults. I connect with many people, I don't ever expect anything from them. I may say I do...but I don't and it seems to be approached by some as a sort of damage. I don't think anyone is my friend till they have proven as such and even then its something of extreme frailty that can be severed in a matter of seconds. I had a friend for ten years who I loved dearly but I simply walked away after a small childish argument over her curfew and lack of effort. It was the easiest thing in the world to do for me, yet for her it was agony as she told everyone but me how she felt.I'm rarely the one to leave, and sometimes I'll admit I'll have a sadistic streak and continue to talk to someone long past their limits, but thats if the channels open. I get people tell me I'm stupid, I'm being manipulated, etc etc...maybe I'm just doing what I want? I've had numerous close friends and loved ones simply gone, severed without any real trace, but I did care for them, I did truly and dearly love them. Thing is, I was always raised to believe you should be the one willing to love, but not the one willing to care. I put myself out, I will say what there is to be said, some take it as insta-friendship as my easy smile and laugh, my sharing nature and the fact that I would never put a price on them is something that shows investment. They are not, I form bonds based around mutual understanding and I realize most don't understand. As of current I've found four people who do and I consider them my closest friends but I don't talk to them much. I have hundreds of others who consider themselves so..but I often wonder if its cowardice in letting them believe as such, I've even had a few throw it in my face and go Oh you were so invested, I was never your friend. and so I walk away and let it go, it really doesn't bother me. I may ask a few questions here and there but other than that..there is nothing in my mind that creates a desire to hold onto these things. Family I have an exception to as I am very protective and invested in my family, but even those bonds are easily severed. However with so called friends, I'll hang out, Ill laugh, I'll pitch in, but when it comes to certain things I'll just cut and leave. I don't look past faults in others due to caring, I point them out, blatantly and if necessary painfully to them. I have no problem simply showing favoritism or interest based on past events, if I've know you two or twenty years our friendship's length is weighed quite less than the activities of said friendship. I currently have several people who bemoan my very existance due to the fact that I'm not a real friend etc etc yet, I ask why do they try to associate with me? I never get why those who claim to not care or to be annoyed or hurt by others would initiate conversation, attempt to show of desirable qualities, and even more so trying to hurt another when its being severed. If its done, then its done, am I not wrong? You want to cast me aside, and I frankly don't particularly mind being able to go about my business regardless of the issue. In a relationship, its quite the contrary, when I actually get to the point of the supposed in love state I find it hard to let people go, but will do so usually without a real fight due to the sheer fact that it's possible we can each do better. If we are breaking up, then obviously there was something that has caused it and maybe we need time to look past that or we are simply not meant to be. I've sustained relationships, and friendships far past breaking points, I've had 8 of my 22 years be in commited relationships though there were short breaks within. I know what it is to love and be loved and frankly I love myself too much to simply let another devalue me and make me change. If I meet the one, that special one person who is meant for me, maybe I will change but I want to want it. I want to feel like that person is the person my heart seeks. I guess in summary I remember what my mother always tells me You can't love anyone, till you love yourself. You should always try to be the one who is loved more by being more desireable and trying harder not by holding back. Love the person like they will be gone tomorrow and always faintly expect them to be. Your heart will break, your soul will tear, your body will hurt, but like everything in the human body, surviving and thriving will make it stronger. People say I act out and I do things causing drama and such and such, I've gotten alot better than I was. I think, maybe I'm just trying to find more of what people consider normal, what it is out there that makes people..well more human. I act, I feel, I am someone who is honest and sincere in what I say..but deep down I think somewhat differently on how you and I. There are your problems, and my problems..but rarely are their our problems my goals may coincide, even my wants but in the end its two individuals. I want there to be more our problems...I want to want to see the next day together, I want to truly and deeply care about maintaining a friendship based on hoping that tomorrow will be better rather than expecting it to end.