Thread: St. Marriott's (ClearSight & SomethingEsoteric)

Today could be a nice day, any day could really Heidi hadnt had a long chain of nice days like she used to carry behind her in a long time but she was confident yeah, today could be a nice day. Maybe confident wasnt the right way of describing how she felt, she felt brief waves of cautious optimism broken by the odd lull of crippling hope. Heidi wasnt as depressed or fitfully tortured as some would have believed on a low lull and she could only really attain her artificial happinesss for so long before the next wave crashed into the bank of her emotional mind but without a doubt and without reservations, regardless of any number of outward and inward forces Heidi was almost always crippled by hope. Heidi hoped today would be nice, she hoped tomorrow would too, she hoped shed make the grade, hoped shed get to be different like everybody else not different like herself, hoped shed get held and to hold hoped that shed recognize the love of her life the next time she traipsed around a corner to find her there. Heidi hoped so much, so much about near everything around her it crippled her almost to the point some days it was hard to even come to grips with the floor at the edge of her bed. Heidi wasnt the sort who spent any long stretch of time dreading what was to come and she certainly wasnt the type who claimed to know just how bad things were going to be she hoped so hard it sunk her to desperation without end recently, recently felt like forever A small little hope that today could be a nice day could become a fixated obsession so strong she forgot she was even in today . Heidi could become so strongly invested in those hopes she forgot to show up for life, forgot to do the things she needed to do to make sure today could be nice, forgot to set her alarm, to take her medications, to do her homework, to sleep, to eat, to what-the-fuck ever. The young woman tapped her thigh beneath a plaid uniform skirt, trying to put together what she was doing exactly, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, over and over, index, middle, ring, pinky, index, middle, ring, pinky, she found solace in patterns, repeating patterns, numbers but not math they seemed so much stronger than people, than emotions, so defined, they didnt change, they didnt waver or compromise, they were exactly what they were at all times and as long as nobody added in mathematical characters well, theyd be just fine. Heidi liked to think she was like a number, as long as nobody tried to subtract from her or add to her shed be just fine, she could be strong and defined and and so many people always tried to add and subtract from her. If nobody had of added the title Bipolar one to her name, her problems probably never would have multiplied so drastically if Sera hadnt of added so much to their lives, only to take to so much maybe theyd both be okay. She used to love Sera with all her heart and soul, maybe she still did but the hope they could ever be together felt more like alienation than a crippling sort. Heidi knew all about alienation, alienation from her peers, from herself, from the world at large, alienation was so familiar sometimes it almost felt comfortable in a distorted sort of way. She wasnt comfortable with her alienations involving Sera she wasnt comfortable with her now short black hair or the glasses that no longer graced her beautiful face. When Sera and Heidi had first found each other Heidi was a hot mess, just recently diagnosed, finally given a reason for why she was the way she was and not accepting it well, not okay with what the doctor had told her and not okay with what it meant for her world and her parents and and Sera changed things, when she was with Sera she almost didnt feel herself cycling through all her swings, like she could focus on what Sera was feeling and that made her own torpid insides a little easier to sort out. now what? Sera appeared more insane than she was and she was certifiable, Sera was no longer the sweet and affectionate being that pulled her head out of the ground, brushed her off and most of all made her feel love. Now Sera, in the ever-changing eyes of Heidi was cruel and unfair, selfish and mean-spirited worst of all, there was no guilt, no debate, nothing Sera just acted, acted on impulse alone, when she looked at Sera she saw things she hated in herself without a choice, Sera knew what she was doing and chose to. and it just deepened the feeling of alienation. After so long, growing bedsores from her indecisions and complacency, Heidi finally took personal responsibility, something she had so much trouble with she knew what she had to do, scared of the results as she was shed decided to act. Heidi had to stop her, and there was only one way she knew how. I erhm excuse me? Heidi asked, a soft warble like the first tweet outside her window in the morning, a bird asking the sun if it was ready to rise. Optimism was always best broached with caution, expectations that werent met could result in disappointment and Heidi was always so hard pressed to deal with that. Short and thin, a pale olive face curled back by an anxious sort of smile she looked up at the tattooed girl she knew to be Kat Ornstein . This wasnt something that had come over night, it wasnt Heidi acting on her own impulses which was what carried nearly every action she ever did, ironic how upset she was with Sera when that was considered. No, Heidi had spent the better half of both the summer and this first little stretch of returning to school carefully preparing and debating the hows, whens and whos of her choice to pursue someone new. It broke her heart at first, thinking that she would be abandoning Sera to do so but really, hadnt Sera abandoned her? Hadnt Sera abandoned who they were? What they were? This never should have gone this far and now there was nothing she could do in convincing her to stop it. She wished so desperately theyd never found that book, wished so desperately that they could still be two tortured little loners who had each other shed even tried to convince herself that maybe if she took away Seras power than everything could just go back to normal. -then her more rational and realistic self made the firm conclusion that if she were to do this, by the letter, to the book... to the situation, that was impossible. Heidi wanted someone who could make her feel like Sera could, did , wanted someone strong and kind and capable of caring and and in Kat Ornstien she saw a ghost of Sera, she saw who Sera was before Sera became this. A loner, a loser, a freak or bitch for not like us a freak who could still smile and so for the last week Heidi admired Kat from afar while Sera stalked from even farther. I dont know if you know me but the anxious little smile grew and her grey-green eyes sparkled before crinkling slightly, , but I think youre I mean that is, a one note admission that fell between the range of a chuckle and a cough to cover it up, Im Heidi and I wanted to ask you if I could take you on a date or-well, you could take me on one if you would rather that and and I think that would also be nice. By now her smile had grown so wide it pulled her cheeks back, her eyes half lidded from the bottom and white teeth on full display, it wasnt a normal persons smile, it was the sort of smile of a person who didnt know fully just how much their emotions registered on their face, it was the sort of smile a child gave before they knew how far their face could stretch and keep appropriate and attractive, it was the sort of smile that made Heidi look more like a flesh-toned bull-frog than the cute girl she was capable of being. It was the same smile that used to belong to Sera and Sera alone once upon a time. Tamera, Tami as her close friends called her did not spend so much time fixating on the moments she was in and it was no hard battle to escape them. She didnt hope for better than what she was getting, she didnt accept getting any less than her wants the minute she walked through the doors of St. Marriotts and realized she could start over. Tamera was beautiful in a dangerous sort of way right from the start, but shed never let that define her till several short years ago. Back home Tamera didnt expel doubts of her upbringing, back home Tamera didnt look down her nose at people that society deemed less than , back home society deemed Tamera to be as such. St. Marriotts school for exceptional girls, to Tamera had become like a big game of dress up, of pretend. Tamera Pretended to be like her wealthy popular peers, pretended to have the sort of first world problems like whether to take the Lexus or the Bently to the boutique, reality it was more along the lines of Should we buy brand or no-name this week? in the grocery store. While she had smiles that could warm hearts, small genuine carefree laughs and the full capacity to be sweet as the caramel ribbons through her long flowing mane Tamera generally made the quickly calculated choice to be staunchly rude and judgemental. She found the stronger her judgemental behaviors and how she acted out in them were the less likely it was that people saw through her, shed be ashamed by now, with how long the game of make-believe had gone on if anyone found out the truth about her the truths about her. Without a shadow of doubt, in Tameras mind if anyone knew the reality beyond Heidi who had never told and it was fair to assume, wouldnt, at this point surely shed be just as alienated and outcast as the many girls shed taken a shining to grinding beneath her thrift store gem heels. Shed already decided in her head what shed wear tonight, out with the girls, shed worked three part time jobs to accumulate far beyond full time hours this summer, shed bought herself as many god-send finds in the thrift store as was humanly possible and a selection of designer clothes her mother had nearly had a heart attack over upon appraisal if she went out two nights a week wearing a different outfit every time she wouldnt have to overlap or mix and match till mid-winter and if she was lucky in mid-winter with the Christmas break and all she could use money from her relatives intended for school to buy a few more gems and refresh her wardrobe tonights outfit was planned and so too was the time between then and now. Her and the rest of the phalanx of top notch bitches marched down the hall in formation, they were like the Spartans of the social standing, tirelessly learned in cruelty and making everyone feel like less so they could affirm they were more, with all present they were impenetrable, one split from the pack not so much. Shields of natural beauty and the air of superiority raised, spears of sharp insulting words and even sharper glares at the ready they approached on a clear scene of Heidi proposing a date to Kat and it was impossible for a few of them to hold back snickers. Eh, isnt that just the sweetest thing, when two freaks fall in love. one of Tameras friends scoffed rolling her eyes. Pfft, yeah, theyre perfect for each other arent they? Tamera asked rhetorically, her voice like a spring flower beautiful and soft but just as likely to blossom as it was to wither down to something ugly and black of course speaking on Heidi it would be the latter, sardonic and in poor spirits. I heard Heidi spent half her break in a treatment center, like an asylum. Too bad there was no salon in there, eh? a litany of cackles surrounding her. Ironic as it was, without stepping beyond the veil Tamera and her vanilla friends were more akin to witches than Heidi, Sera and the few other girls that had joined them could ever have been before that book fell into their laps. Heidi wanted to escape that, to escape the instant gratification and costly reprises Tamera would give most anything short of her vanity for just a taste of it.