Thread: Some days, I don't know myself

Why ducky is sad..... Ducky isn't good with people. She's shy and timid, always has been. She puts on a good impression, a grand act of extroverted behavior, but she's really nervous. She doesn't like new people or new places, and she spent a lot of time growing up alone. She has a hard time making friends, in that they think she's a friend, but don't understand that she's shy. Ducky doesn't call. Ducky doesn't show up and demand to go out. Because Ducky is always thinking that you don't want to talk to her, that you don't want to spend time with her. She doesn't think very highly of herself, you see. But she grew up, and grew out, changed the way she saw herself just enough to make a few friends, to start being sociable. She changed how the world saw her, and the world seemed to like her. But still, no one understood her. She eventually made friends with an equally timid Bunny, and things were interesting. They got along great, did many things, were perhaps the best friends ever had. But they also had violent disagreements, and nasty falling outs. Ducky ended up dating Bunny's crush, a nasty horse. The horse was cruel and liked to make Ducky cry, but she stayed. The horse was mean and liked to lash out at Ducky, but she stayed. The horse was selfish and did it's best to destroy every other bond Ducky had, but she stayed. Ducky was very sad, but felt obligated to stay in her situation. She didn't know how to get out, and also, leaving meant acknowledging defeat. That Ducky's mum and dad were right, and that she had made a terrible mistake. And Ducky, for all her low self esteem, still has a sense of pride. Two years of fights and breakups, of getting kicked out of her home lake and made to live in a stable, two long years of working as much as possible and bending to every whim of Horse, of him using her money for his games, of telling her that she was responsible for transportation so he didn't have to try, Ducky was sad. But Ducky met Spike, and he was sad too. It resonated between them, made them common souls. And they reached out to each other, thought perhaps they could chase each others' sadness away. Ducky made her choice, went home, and left Horse that very next day, knowing that cheating was bad, and her heart already belonged to another. Spike was sweet and caring, and gave her gifts and wanted to talk to Ducky. It scared her, really. Ducky didn't know how to handle such warmth, such compassion. Ducky went through fits of gushing and clamming up and being very cold. She didn't know how to behave, and Ducky's most trusted companion, her hero even, told her that she wouldn't survive with a nice guy. That Ducky didn't know anything besides the roller coaster ride, and nothing else would ever satisfy her. Ducky thought that made sense, started to miss the violent ups and downs of Horse. He caught wind of this, and came back around. He guilted Ducky, telling Ducky that he could be happy no other way than if she came back. She didn't want to, Spike was so caring, but she didn't have it in her to say no to Horse either. She made the wrong decision. She trusted Horse just enough to let him back in, just enough for him to hurt her. For him to make her think she was less than what she was. And with that, she believed it. How could she ever be happy with a nice guy when she didn't deserve him? She beat herself up about it for a long time, full of self loathing, but she smiled at everyone. Even Bunny thought Ducky was happy in this most miserable of places. But the abortion was the tipping point. Ducky wanted children, she really did. But she was scared and not ready and didn't have a way of supporting said children. And nothing felt right. Before she even knew the news, she was often bent over in horrible pain, a sharp, shooting pain that was dizzying. Spike didn't like the end decision, but he held her hand. He kept her safe for the whole event, kissed away her tears, and held her while she wept. Horse made jokes in the background. No one else was there for her for that experience. When Spike found out about Horse, he was angry. In a way that Ducky had never seen before, and he sent Ducky off into exile. Horse was there waiting, but even in such a fragile state, Horse didn't know how to be gentle. Ducky finally realized that Horse could never be what she wanted, and she chased him off with a terrible quacking. Ducky and Bunny started to talk again, then reconnected as friends, but Bunny was always talking about this internet guy or that one, and Ducky was still in love with Spike. Eventually, through a few events both intended and not, Ducky and Spike saw each other, and that same pull was still in affect. They promised no more lies, and tried again. Ducky felt...dare she say, excited? Like possibilities were finally open to her, like she really deserved to be loved. Ducky and Spike went off for vacation, and it was an amazing time. The happiest week of Ducky's life, without a doubt. The pair were often mistaken for honeymooners, and the comparison made both of their hearts sore with the very idea. But on the last night, as their bags were packed, and they tried to sleep, Spike couldn't sleep. He finally admitted that he had wronged Ducky just as much as Ducky had wronged Spike. And that it was a poor choice, and he did understand how such mistakes are made. Ducky was hurt, but thought that maybe, just maybe, it would help. That there would be a mutual understanding. They were in a car accident that day. Spike hadn't really slept well that night, but Ducky is an insomniac, so she had Spike stretch out in the backseat with her, his head in her lap. She saw the collision coming, and bent over him as best as she could, holding his body in place, shielding him as she could from any damage that could be done. Ducky went away from the accident limping and sore, a few bumps and bruises and a scratch or two. Spike had a scratch on his face and a bruise on his arm. And for all his panic, Ducky kept him calm, just happy that they were both alive and alright. It felt like a rebirth, and Ducky was on high. That with this near death experience, maybe they could live life together the right way. Ducky was perhaps falsely hopeful. Winter hit and Spike was moody. Ducky was depressed. They did nothing for their moods, and after a few silly arguments, Spike gave up. He didn't fight for Ducky. He chose instead to sulk and whine and bemoan how terrible his plight was. All Ducky had hoped for was just a smile, a persistence. For him to be there at the end of the day. Another breakup. Ducky grew much in a short time, she thinks. Bunny wasn't really around, she was caught up with some turtle down in Texas, but Ducky didn't mind. Ducky felt strong that holiday season, and when Spike finally reached for her, she was strong. She told him to go out, see the world, and not to come back until he was ready. That the world would change, that they would change, and given enough time, they would be ready for each other. He didn't stay gone long enough. He missed the comforts. Ducky can't really say why he rushed back, expect that he did so for her. Not because she asked him to, but because he missed her. Ducky worked hard, trying to save up for an apartment. She encouraged Spike to pursue his art if that's where his passions laid. But also told him that she couldn't support them both just yet. He gave her excuse after excuse as to why he hadn't looked for a job, but Ducky didn't mind, because she had money saved up, and because he was doing his art. Then Ducky got into another accident, this one leaving her with a bit of head trauma. That one really scared her, she was a bit touchy about things from that point on. All the money she was saving up went to a new car, and Spike promised he would step up, but he didn't. Ducky and Spike started arguing more, as Bunny had given the Turtle the slip and finally had time to spend with Ducky. Spike didn't like Ducky going out without him. But Spike also didn't have money to go out, what with the lack of job. Ducky thought perhaps the idea might motivate him. It didn't. Ducky put her foot down, telling Spike what needed to happen for them to be able to be together. That he needed to get his act together, stop sleeping on his friend's couch, and find a job at the very least. He talked big, but never tried. Ducky gave up trying, and became cold, reserved. Ducky was having trouble at home. Ducky's father was accused of a terrible crime, and after a few talks with the police and DSS workers, Ducky's mother was quite distraught. You see, Ducky's mother had gone through a lot of abuse as a child, and this accusation brought up lots of bad memories. Ducky did her best to be strong for her family, while being so sad about how her relationship was panning out. Then came the revelation that Bunny seemed to have nothing nice to say about Ducky. Ducky's best friend had turned. After an attack from Bunny's most recent toy, Ducky confronted Bunny. Bunny blamed Ducky for many things, said many hurtful things, and then stated they couldn't be friends. Ducky was sad, but Spike had managed to scrape enough money together to come see her the next day, and Ducky was excited. But Spike let her know that he wasn't feeling good. Ducky cried a lot, but told him in her bestest, strongest voice that if he needed to take the day and relax, he should. He did just that. Ducky was overwhelmingly sad, and she took to not wanting to come home. She stayed after at work for no other reason than just not wanting to come home. Spike got suspicious, wanted to know who Ducky was talking to. Spike didn't believe that Ducky just honestly wanted friends. He believed that she was trying to replace him romantically. Another argument later, Ducky tells Spike goodbye. It hurt. Ducky is still not sure she made the right decision. She recalls being told all her life that you know when you meet the one. The one that changes you, makes you want things you never did before. Spike made Ducky ready to be all the things she never thought she'd be interested in. Ducky was certain that Spike would be good to her Ducklings, a sentiment that is still bewildering. She just feels that Spike isn't ready for love. That Spike doesn't know how to look on the bright side of life, to see that the world is a good place with good people. That he is truly cared for. Ducky is sad because all those she cares about aren't okay, can't see that she loves them. Ducky is sad because she swims alone.