Thread: ~

Four days until I'm supposedly incarcerated. I find myself more concerned about having a bangin' party this weekend. This is normal for me - In the face of unpleasantness, I focus on having as good a time as I can. Somewhat irresponsible, but I think it's healthy. I try to avoid drama as a rule, but especially now, I'm completely blocking out any drama that attempts to enter my life. This has involved a fair bit of telling my ladyfriends and ex-girlfriends to shut up, staying too high to stress, and giving my computer as wide a berth as I can when I'm not crushing the feeble allies for glorious mother russia. More then ever, I feel like a passenger in life. I believe in free will, in that we are all free to feel however we want about any situation, and we are free to fail at the tasks set before us. Those tasks are completely out of our control, though. My next task is conquering addiction, and despite my crippling terror of combining sobriety and boredom I don't like having to listen to myself think, see the aforementioned 'staying high' comment, I also feel like I'm verging on... Completion. I have had a CRAZY last few years, starting with discovering broadband internet, and hopefully ending with cooling my heels for a few months to shut the legal system up. Not to say that my many and varied adventures will end, but I'd like them to be a bit more thought out. And also successful. Yes. The endless chain of failure can stop now. My greatest failings are as follows Relationships 16-20 Monica 19-20 Employment 19-present Illegal employment 21 Building sanctuary 20-21 ...Hrm, that's depressing. My greatest successes Friends Enemies Reputation Self-control Sex Blue Moon Psychonauting Reliability Building community I'm going to spend my 22nd birthday in rehab. SUCK. But all the pain in the world is outweighed by the most fleeting, faint moment of pleasure. Never forget that. Or so I'd like to believe. I'm constantly trying to ignore the nagging knowledge that I didn't feel that way when I was consistently sober. Discovering that I could use external chemicals to alter my mood and mind was the crystallizing moment of my life, and it turned me from a random bundle of unrealized and uncontrolled potential into someone who was smart, strong, capable, and stable. It remains to be seen if I can stand on my own as the person I want to be when my support pillar is taken out from underneath me. I foresee several outcomes. 1 I go completely insane for the duration. Eventually, the time will pass, I'll come home, and drop right back into my old means. I'll find some way of enjoying my vices without crippling my finances and advance. 2 I discover that, separate from drugs and fun, I'm still me and I'm not as dependent as I thought. I come home and start using drugs instead of abusing them. 3 I go through another series of breakdowns I had two while in jail for five days. Not a good record. and the 'treatment professionals' exploit them to brainwash me. I return a completely different person, for better or worse. 4 I lose my mind quietly and systematically manipulate myself into a situation where I can off myself. Hoping for 2. Gonna work towards 2. I must always remember that pleasure is never out of reach, if you're just willing to accept it wherever it finds you.