Thread: Musings of a Muse

There Is Always a Silver Lining, Sometimes You Just Have to Make One Yourself Life is not fair. People will inevitably let you down even if they don't mean to. A wound long neglected hurts most when it heals. These are all universal truths that every person on the planet has come to know at least once or twice in their life, and yet when we are slapped across the face with them, how quickly we raise our fists at the sky and rail against that which we cannot change no matter how much we have the will and desire to do so. When you see a pothole in the road, the logical thing to do is to avoid it at all costs. But it becomes increasingly more difficult when that pothole wears the face of a person whom you hold in high regard or even love. Even when you know they'll let you down in the end, the human heart implores that you still walk forward and is often the first thing that is shattered next to pride when you pitch forth into the darkness. I have never owned a journal. Wait, there was a time once when I was a young girl where I tried to do the diaryjournal thing. Of course, that swiftly changed when I came home one afternoon to find it open and sitting on my bed after my mother had discovered it and read it. When I confronted her on the violation of my privacy, I was promptly slapped across the face, thus learning that if I didn't want anyone to know what I was thinking, or didn't wish to incriminate myself it was unwise to leave any evidence. Hide away my thoughts and feelings so that the enemy would never be able to use it to their advantage. So then, why do I sit here at six-thirty in the morning typing out my thoughts to virtual strangers? I honestly lack an outlet on my side of reality and it's growing harder and harder to swallow up these feelings as the cold weather sets in. If time is supposed to heal all wounds, what does a person do when it's the memory of time lost forever? Lost opportunity that you'll never get back no matter how much you may want it? Would give anything in the world to reclaim? This morning I recieved a brief IM from a former friend of mine back home who claimed to not know who I was and wanted to know why I was on his list. Why do people feel the need to go through such charades? Do I really come off as that simple and stupid? Noble was my first real friend when I think back to my childhood and the years I spent living in my hometown, a place that holds many memories and ghosts that I selfishly cling to even though most cause me pain. Strange how masochistic we humans are The memories and emotions are like a sweet poison we know will burn and hurt, but we drink deeply all the same. I know he'll never see these words, and if he somehow did, they likely would have no affect on him as he is an opportunist and self-preserving. Not that I can fault him terribly for being that way since in a lot of ways, I'm the same. Survival of the fittest and all. And yet, it still burns my heart to be addressed so casually. Who is this? It's the person you once knew as a friend. Oh. Okay. Perhaps I should have been more specific with him. I'm the person who snuck food out to you when we were growing up because I knew you hadn't any at home. I'm the person who happily gave you money when I knew you needed it because although I didn't have much of it, I knew you had far less than I. I'm the girl who you lied to, promised a ticket to come back home so I could see my dying mother. Who believed in you right until there was no denying the fact you never had any intention of helping in the first place. The girl who forgave you for such a betrayl despite myself only to be betrayed again. That's who I am. Logically, I can only point the finger at myself. And the more I point, the louder the laughter in my head gets until I feel like my brain will fly apart into a million pieces along with my heart. How I've made it this far in my life without being on some sort of medication is nothing short of a miracle though sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier if I just popped a pill, drank, or lit up a joint. Oh wait, that's what roleplay is, how silly of me to forget. At least I can dictate what happens in my plots, any suffering of my character is because I chose and I can determine the outcome. Do all the things I wish I could in life. I can give my character the life I wish I had and selfishly indulge in without whining to others that I wish I had my parents still. That I had a sister whom I could tolerate being around. Everything is perfect and wonderful or the adversity that my characters face is surmounted in the end. Happily ever afters belong in stories, not real life. Still, I try my hardest to find the proverbial silver lining in the clouds even when they cover the moon, sun and stars. I have a job where others do not. I have the admiration of several customers at work who will often times refuse to come into the store unless I'm working. Pathetic to some perhaps, but that's a huge ego stroke right there. I have seen more of the country and had lots of adventures which I will pen down as time goes on. I'm going to struggle not to delete this as I have before. I can't keep bottling shit inside and therapy is too expensive so..here we go. At least here all I have to pay is my internet bill and hope that some dumbass doesn't write a stupid comment on it like they do in PVP. But, this is the internet and idiots abound here as they do anywhere else, a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Shrugs. So, here we go...Erato's journal. There's a good ending I suppose. Yep..it'll work.