Thread: The Tome - [Seiken's Journal]

My mind is... a scary place. Dangerous to some. While I've gotten several times that merely the sound of my voice is enough to leave them dripping, I always tell them it's because it speaks the words of the mind. I don't have any enemies - something I am thankful for. I like to get along with everyone and find myself to be a rather decent person. However, with a mind like mine, what would I need enemies for? I'm.. a realist. I like things served to me in a way I can relate to without it being fed through unnecessary positive or negative sides. Positive people have a way to... well, build illusions. Thinking everything is great and everyday is awesome because of their illusions that hide over all the bad things. Now, don't get me wrong - I salute those who do to a degree. It's just not for me. I have made a stand to take in the harsh truth to me, which only will make me stronger. However, I've experienced so much on the short time I've been in this world already, so I am pondering how much more I can take. How much it will be before I start closing my eyes and open them only to the positive things. I am a rather positive person, but that's because I put focus on them. Sure, I do notice the bad things, and even acknowledge them, but I don't let it drag me downmost of the time. However, seeing everything as it is takes a toll on a person... When I really discovered what sort of an enemy my own mind was, it was some years ago. I had just learned that the girl I loved at the time was still sleeping with her ex-boyfriend while she loved me back and not him. She did it simply because... well, she had needs and had to keep an agreement if she was still to live in his house. The pain about thinking of them doing all the things in bed etc drove me to the point of insanity. A point which I thought I had reached a long time ago. The feeling was.. indescribable. It kept going on for some months before I was helped by some friends to make me realize This had to stop. One way or another. I feel like it was like a bandaid. You know it's going to hurt when you take it off, but enduring much pain now will allow you to quickly get over it and heal. Won't go into details in how things ended, but I was happy and content in the end. That was the first time... Now, I'm experiencing it again. Well, I can't say if she still loves me for sure, but that evening when I was a fool and looked on the facebook page... Well, it hurt. More than it should. I guess when we first parted ways, I pulled the bandaid off and it hurt really much there and then, but got over it. But seeing the profile, it's just like picking on the scab and having it start bleed again. I did the golden number last night, when I was in bed, imagine how both of them were in bed as well. I don't feel like a very smart man at this point! But yeah, if I keep going like this, the wound will eventually get infected. So I am writing about it all here to hopefully being able to relieve it as I don't really want to talk to any real-life friends, nor family. They are there for me, yeah, but I like to talk.. well, anonymously here. Perhaps even get an anonymous tips or so. All in all, taking a few breaths and calming myself, I keep going back to my content state as I know she made a mistake and one day will realize it. If I will then take her back or not, I will have to decide. But one thing is for certain I won't sway if someone else has picked up my heart. Anyways, I promise this is the last time I'll make a post about my ex. I didn't really plan on it being so either, but given we had so much in common, pretty much everything I think about and like is things that can connect to her. While finding one with common interests and such is gold, it hurts like a bitch when it's over. I have started the first double-shift now. Not looking forward to the rest of it. I've been at work... 1 hour now, and already done 50 of what I am supposed to do. Only 14 hours left... The diet thing is going well, but I can feel that I struggle already. The sweet tooth of mine hungers, but I've more or less managed to sate it for now. I woke up with a belly-ache today and was more or less crippled for 30 minutes, leaving me unable to prepare any lunch or dinner for today. So running on water, I can only hope I'll be fine, but this is not good for my body. At all. I haven't seen the guy I made the deal with for some days, and I am curious if he has been able to keep his end of the deal. Well, deal is perhaps not the right word, but we agreed that we'd start eat healthy and work out a little bit. Given he has been a long-time obese person, and I'm feeling a little chubby, I can only imagine his struggle if mine has been this great. Well, it's easy to control in a way, and if he doesn't fall through, but have already swayed for unhealthy food etc, I will continue doing this. It's not for him, but for me. When it comes to a diet, or really anything you do for your own good You only end up fooling yourself if you try to fool anyone.