Thread: Dani's 'Ramble On' (Questions/comments welcome)

-I dont usually get personal, but this is a journal, right? So, here goes.- Mood Thoughtful Music Zedd-Stay the night Im sitting here with my coffee and cigarettes. Even when I dont have the kids I still end up waking up at the crack of dawn, actually before the crack of dawn, its still very much dark outside. Ive already been up over an hour. I tried to go back to sleep. I dont have any obligations for some hours yet. But of course, sleeping for more than 6 hours is impossible for me. There was a time in my marriage when I was sleeping for 12 or 14 hours a night. But I was neither happy nor healthy. The divorce was finally finalized. Say that five times. We were put through these tests, we had to see therapists and a couples counselor. It might be weird Im still seeing the therapist. But I liked her, a bubbly little blonde that uses trite little cliches. She makes up for it by elaborating on why they work. Behind every rhyme there is a reason. Its nice to have someone put certain things in perspective especially when your going through a messy divorce. We tried to keep it as civil as possible, but when youve been in a relationship for 10 years its hard to do that. Words get tossed around, feelings get hurt. I have to admit there were a couple of occasions that I went into a defensive level and didnt hold back. My words can be venomous when Im pushed past my inhibitions. And when you know one another for that long you always know exactly where to poke a sharp stick. Cheating, adultery, addiction, dishonesty and all that is interesting and dramatic in a story, but in reality.. Its devastating. Life altering. Destroying. I forgave and dealt with it far longer than I ever care to admit. It can twist an open, optimistic person into someone cold and cynical. I fear that by the time I reached the point of being done it was too late. The boys spent a lot of time with my aunt. I shielded them from whatever I could. Everything is settled again now. Routines firmly established. I have some OCD with routines. I think it came from my grandparents, where supper was 530 sharp or you didnt eat. Ive gone on and on long enough. And I owe some posts, so off I go. I leave you with a little piece from my abandoned Tumblr. Diamond Hearts They say that time will heal. That pain eventually dulls. Then how is it that one simple reminder can send you back years and days and minutes and seconds, across miles and thousands of emotions right back to that moment that your heart was torn out of your chest and beaten to a bloody pulp by bare hands? It happens you know. Its not dull, its not faded. Its as sharp and vivid as if you were there again. Your gut clenches, skin burning and prickling with cold at the same time, that nausea is still there. Its not going anywhere. So long as youre trapped in that memory youre re-living every single second of that endless anguish. Sometimes though, with enough practice you can hold the heaving angry sobs at bay, but other times they flow. Tearing out those salty tears until theres nothing left of you but a dry empty shell. Hollow and -thank whatever god you pray to- numb. That person you were a day before is no more. Then you remember, finally you know who you are again, you pick yourself up out of your misery and you cradle that broken thing inside of you, you press it tight, press it into something new, harder, its a stone now. It may have cracks and dents and will never again be the pure fragile thing it once was. Youll go back again, eventually, and feel it all again. With the next reminder youll be there. The damage is done. You know, coal is like that, with enough time and pressure it will be a diamond someday. Enjoy your diamond hearts, next time they arent so easily broken. Click to expand...