Thread: Book with the spine marked ' Not so Everlong'

3292011 Not the best keeper of journals. Tried several times in the past but find some excuse to drop it. Started years ago with a green thick covered personal journal. Years later I got a similar one while in the service. Held onto it but less entries about daily life and more of notes and passwords for each evening convoy. Recently a great deal has happened and all I can think is I've been going about it all wrong. Not choking when I should have acted but rather I stuck with a choice and only in the retrospect of things I find myself doubting. Gloomy as ever yes? Jumping back to around my 25th B-day in October I found myself with a rather large woman and in a moment of stupidity impregnated a female I barely know. Jump up to December we head into an O.B.G.Y.N. because the local choice to avoid a future together came. On a biological scale as well as personal I think the option was sound. Though I might be called things, at least I caught the embryo before it could be come a person. In my belief I kept the woman from 18 years of putting up wit ha clone of me. But at times I find my mind coming back and wondering if the choice was wrong morally or eternally. Not really religious. Last time I went into a church I was drunk and afraid. So there's that portion weighing a little on my mind. Kinda feels good to get it off my chest. Next is my reclusive attitude. I get along well and fine with most of my co-workers but once 'free' for the day I enjoy almost being away from the majority of humans in my city. I know the masses aren't smart, while knowing I'm only a shred above average in I.Q. Parents think it has something to do with PTSD. I think it has something to do with simply finding the reasons I served empty and hallow when around crowds of people shouting obscenities at the families of fallen service men and women. I believe I hate the general mindless public due to the fact that they're all herded around by the media and politicians. Believe everything you read and watch, do it while in a place where mistakes get people killed and if you get out alive with minimal injury... your eyes are open to some of the most stupid things. People being paid to do nothing when they should be working. As long as they have a silver tongue and can make their own peers and bosses feel like they did something... they continue a grand life. Oh and another reason I rarely make journals... sometimes I just vent. Not fair to readers. Most of all makes a few people feel weird-out. All I can really say is this Walk a mile in my shoes, drive about fifty thousand in my seat... Earn pennies on the dollar and call to those around you with respect, Even if they never earned it. A few more ramblings might help people think to know me... if anyone reads this... For well over a decade now a friend of mine has been in my life enough to be a surrogate brother. His family feels something close to being my own. I've stayed in contact with him and even have within the last year helped since I've become more financially stable. Done something unheard of... co-signing for a college loan so he could continue at a university in California. Even now and then spot a few dollars towards him. But with things being so busy for everyone now at days I've heard little from him. I worry at times of being used as paranoia raises it's head. But scoff at the idea even when now and then others ask if I'm doing the right thing. Gullible? Perhaps... but if his plans go threw during the event of not being able to get a job or career going after college... at least someone else will know what I've seen. His plan is to go threw the officer program after getting his degree. It's a matter of willpower during the training. Simply breaking one down before rebuilding as needed. Keep your wits about you and never loose yourself. I came out of it and worst with simply more mature character. Reminding myself of each moment I had to grow up a little more. Though an artist going threw boot... eh... iffy. But he's built like a German and one of the sharpest friends I've ever had. So little worry there... What terrifies me is the simple fact that it doesn't matter how good you are or how much you've been trained. At times all that falls to the back seat to simple luck or lack of. I've seen PT all stars get turned to mush, the most perfect shot get railed threw his ACH helmet replaced Kevlar... oh, with Velcro put in for pads. Yet after a half dozen blasts which simply spun my gray matter around within myself, I'm still here while others suffered far worst. VA says it's survivors' guilt. I say it's because I was a dumbass and others paid for my moments of weakness. Taking a separate vehicle because I was up all day. Instead of bedding down during the day I worked on vehicles for the convoy rolling out later that night. Then when I admitted I was to tired to drive the scout position vehicle, I was switched up with being a gunner in the tail gun-truck. Another good friend nearly lost his left arm and leg from the resulting roadside bomb and crash off a 16 foot embankment. A others in the vehicle where hurt but survived. Lighting a cigarette on the low side of a dirt berm, I honestly thought it would be impossible to see. The glow of the cherry bounced off the ASV next to our entry control point. The gunner in the turret got hit right while he was bitching at me to put it out. Young dumb private that I was... I thought he quit bitching because he was getting out to get one. Seeing him rag doll over the open hatch of the enclosed turret... that still sits in my mind. Worst of all is my hatred for most middle eastern people. Granted there are always exceptions. Those that choose to leave their dirty and shit ridden countries to pursue a life of learning not to blindly follow someone because of false promises... I respect that. But anyone... including as I've learned, state side people... Anyone who follows without a whim of self control or personal morals against their actions in full belief that they'll get bliss and heaven in return... I hate them. Animals wearing human flesh. If I killed a half dozen people and said it was for god I'd be shot. But in places on this globe. You can stone, cut up and simply annihilate people in the name of a religion... only to gain followers. I know I've done bad things. A 14 yr old boy on the back of donkey shooting an AK-47 at my fully armored vehicle... that kid will never be un-crushed. The thirty or so vehicles behind me will never go in reverse to pull the kid back from mush to being alive. The soul-less bastard that either forced or convinced him to go suicidal towards my vehicle, will never get to taste the revenge that I hold to this day. I still see the small dirty kid in a few nightmares, eyes like a deer's in the spot lights we had lining the ASV front. Something close to fear, or the recognition just before someone realizes they needed to act... all the while the muzzle flash of the Kalashnikov lighting up before a solid thunk and slight bump in the road. Similar to hitting a pot hole or man-hole cover. Lifting one massive wheel before silence and quick wet skid. Slight pull in the small steering wheel feeling like traction was lost before coming back. Sigh So I'm going to hell. While still on earth might as well try to grow fat dumb and happy. Sometime this coming month... I'll be out of the individual ready reserves. I'll be entirely done. No more soldiering by even paper work. No more drills, 'battle assemblies', not even a 'muster'. I don't regret anything... just the people who have left a mark. Fuck I need a smoke. s Now for non-sense... don't worry kids... it's how I cope ! Folks I'd like to sing a song about the American dream... -Asshole by - Denis Leary Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American Dream About me, about you About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts Maybe below the cockles, Maybe in the sub cockle area, Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, Maybe even in the colon, we dont know Im just a regular Joe, with a regular job Im your average white, suburbanized slob I like football and porno and books about war I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor My wife and my job, my kids and my car My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just aint enough to keep a man like me interested oh no, no way, uh uh No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane While people behind me are going insane Im an asshole hes an asshole,what an asshole Im an asshole hes an asshole, such an asshole I use public toilets and I piss on the seat I walk around in the summer time saying how about this heat? Im an asshole hes an asshole,what an asshole Im an asshole hes the worlds biggest asshole Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces While handicapped people make handicapped faces Im an asshole hes an asshole,what an asshole Im an asshole hes a real fucking asshole Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong... Nah Im an asshole hes an asshole,what an asshole Im an asshole hes the worlds biggest asshole You know what Im gonna do Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps And all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights yeah And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour Gettin' 1 mile per gallon, Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why 2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want They can have a big democracy cakewalk Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it wont make a lick of difference Because weve got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off You know why, Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be! I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes, and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas and say..... Hey! You know, you really are an asshole! Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal? Im an asshole hes an asshole.what an asshole Im an asshole hes the worlds biggest asshole A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody A-S-S-H-O-L-E