Thread: The inner workings

Nova sat on the porch of her home - the one she shared with Yuki and J. The one she shared with a man that confused her. The one she shared with J's partner, and the Babysitter who would soon be moving out. She sat on her porch - eyes focused on her screen. The pain inside her was building to a breaking point - she didn't know what she was going to do anymore. So many people around her - so many in pain. A part of her screamed to break herself to make them happy. A part of her screamed that she'd be fine so long as they could smile - so long as they could laugh. And then the other part of her said - that was wrong and unhealthy. How could she expect to make others happy, if she herself was so far from that word. She had work to do still, Auditions to pass. Bars to go and do interviews at so she could get her 'Tender job. She was doing her best and working her hardest - but still the depression ate at her. Would she ever be good enough? It seemed that no matter how hard she tried - she was always failing in some way. She was trying to fix herself - for herself. Not for anyone but herself - not anymore. There was no point in trying to change for him . She could love him till the day she died - and probably would. But that didn't mean she had to moon over the fact, and keep herself locked up. She had to move on - as painful as that thought made her body and soul scream. She had to move on - as she always had. She wasn't going to find anyone new - not this time. There was no next time. She was done with relationships - at least for quite awhile. She looked at the ring on her finger, that swirling celtic design. The one that made her wish that she had just died when she had uttered the words that had freed him. She still wishes she could wake up from the nightmare she is living. But it's not a Nightmare, this was her life. She was going to have to live it - whether she wanted to or not. There was no easy way out, not a way she could take. She wasn't going to do that to those that mattered. The Shadow - a sweetheart but a bitch, she had been with Nova for many years. She had saved Nova, many times. But this time Nova was going to save The Shadow. The Shadow was in enough pain already. Nova couldn't bring herself to end her own pain - because it meant more for the woman she loved. The Fire - a woman who had been there for her nearly as long as The Shadow. A woman who did her best to be there when she was needed. She helped Nova laugh - and Nova couldn't bear to see her cry. Not after the pain that The Fire had been through. Nova couldn't do it. The Sunlight - the man that she still loved. Still wished she could be with. The one she knew was unhealthy for her - in his current state. In her current state. It couldn't be, at least not now at least. He had already lost so many friends - she couldn't bring herself to the point that she would cause him that much pain. She loved him too much - wanted him happy. The Wolf - a man she had once loved, once held close to her heart. She had broken him in more ways then people would ever stand. Nova still blamed herself for what The Wolf had become. Someone without any real want or need for a partner. Someone who shunned off the trappings of a relationship. Nova blamed herself - and always would. The Wolf had been through just as much, funny how her small circle of friends had so many problems they had been through. Like attracts like, right? The Joker, a young man that Nova has come to love so deeply. He is like the little brother she wished she had - while she was growing up. The little brother that she wished she could make happier. She wanted to make everyone happier. And she'd only hurt them by ending her own pain. She couldn't bring herself to hurt him. The Musician, someone that The Sunlight had brought into her life. Though at times Nova doesn't know if she can trust him. She knows his heart is in the right place. He lends a ear when she truly needs it - even if they are interrupted because of other problems. He truly tries to aid her - help her from the insanity of the world. Though his music is a bit different then what she likes - it has meanings behind it that make her come to understand herself and those around her better. The Guysand Gals, though Nova has yet to meet them in person - she is there Megagirl. She can't abandon them like that, not before they haven't even been officially introduced to her. She needs to make sure she at least lets that happen. So many people for her to meet still. Nova still hasn't gotten to see how crazy Turbo is - or how Funny Panther is. Nova still hasn't gotten to meet the Gambler or her Partner Bocker. She hasn't been able to meet M.A.V., or K.I.L.R.O.Y.. Nova hasn't gotten to hug the Commander for real. She hasn't gotten to have a night of Insomnia with Nightwalker, or gotten to listen to country with Gunslinger. So many people- and so many reasons not to end her pain. Just to live in it, and try to live with it. Though it grows every day, seeing the smiles on those special faces - helps her heal just a little more. But everyday the pain just continues to eat at her. She wants to grow and live, but though she looks to the future - the past still haunts her. She tries to move past it, through it. Tries to push herself forward. But every day, it gets harder and harder. She wants to live - wants to thrive. Wants love, and she wants peace. Maybe she's asking for too much.