Thread: O Fortuna...

So I'm going to begin this update by pointing out I'm in a BLEH mood and such because I been sickses Thanks to my Homobabeh Satan Spice. Oo A good friend of mine who has been trying to keep me sane because if it wasn't for him I would be in jail right now for killing someone I live with on an everyday basis o-o But I'll be okay I had a fever of 101 last night but it broke down into regular zone. though I think part of the reason is the fact it is so fucking COOOOLD in this apartment on a regular basis. HOWEVER I have to get this out of my system because this irritates me to no end. So the person who basically felt bad for essentially rping with Mr. Sir and letting me stay here is now expecting an apology from me for overhearing her tell my roommate that Mr. Sir didn't want to speak to me again. quirks an eyebrow For one I don't think she realized that she's probably torn me down in a shit ton of ways because of that FUCKING mouth she has on her. She has NO idea just what exactly she says to me that sets off all the subtle triggers to make me pull away from her more and more. I'm sorry that my apparent lack of drive bothers you but for some people I like them to...I dunno...recoup? In there own house? I don't need to drag down men into my mental instabilities and attempt to 'fix' them to make myself feel good. Fuck that noise. I'm not going to force someone to do something I know they won't want to do. The fact you are able to assume something of someone you known for what...a month? Versus someone who has known him for a Year? Huh...you see I know things that you probably will never understand or know because you are so focused on what makes YOU better that you kinda kill off anybody else that makes that other person happy. He's not going to be INTERESTED in you just because the two of you slept together. His heart is set on somebody else. GET OVER IT AND UNDERSTAND. Since you know...you're the one putting out and he's just going along with the flow. I'm not sure if I should apologize to you so much. After all you are the one who degraded me until feeling like well BENEATH you. Maybe inside the bedroom sense you would, but I at least acknowledge my own faults and other's strengths. Yeah you have an inner demon, so do I. The difference? I hear that demon whether I'm happy or sad because I'm afraid of fucking up something that would end up with me loosing things. Mine also gets fueled by the people I have lived with for over a decade now. Each little negative thing that comes from someone I care about is another blow to my mentality. If you expect me to trust you to learn to get better you best shape up and learn that sometimes, just sometimes, you need to learn to censor yourself. I can't talk about personal things to you anymore because you don't translate my paranoia or fear very well at all. The fact you ENCOURAGED me to go and see someone a second time despite understanding what happened the first time that had me so freaked out should have been a red flag for you. Hell Mr. Sir AND Ms. Lady said don't do it because the guy seemed creepy, however you said I shouldn't be so nervous about it. In a sense because of you I almost got raped. Apparently it didn't compute in your brain that when I said I needed the emotional bond with something to be able to respond to it, I was being serious. To have sex with somebody, for my being able to respond to it in a pleasureable fashion I have to care about them, on top of that I can say 'NO' in those instances because I register things. If I don't know them, and something happens, I freeze. My fightflight reflex has been mutilated over the years because this isn't the first time I trusted someone's judgement or even my own and had to deal with it. Normally I would bottle this up until well all hell broke loose, but my friends are helping me realize that some things need to be laid out in the open. I can't keep hiding from everything. It's the fact I have friends who care about me and not the fact that they are always going to win that makes me less and less inclined to apologize to someone who has been pushing me to become someone I'm not going to be. Your self-proclaimed bitch status does not give you any brownie points from me that's for sure. If you disappeared from my life for another few years I would be okay with that. I thank you for getting me a place to stay considering the circumstances. I really do appreciate it. But until you understand your own shortcomings towards ME I cannot forgive you.