Thread: +Anj's Journal+

7-7-2012 I'm generally am a very nice person, and very forgiving I can have the tendency to be too trusting, and bit naive. Not as much because of a lot I've had to deal with in the last four years, but those parts of me are still there. My point? It takes a lot to make me hate you. Never before have I felt such intense hatred as I do for my EX. Yesterday showed me just how far I'd fallen into that hate - never before have I wanted to physically explode on someone like I wanted to explode on him. If I had, there is no telling what I may have done to him. Lucky for him, I have way more self control than he does. The fact I still even talk to him should show him just how tolerant I am. In the last four years, because of him and at his hands, I'd dealt with a number of things I believe a woman should never be subjected to. Safe to say, he is lucky he is not in prison getting rammed by some angry man who needs to get laidbecause he would be on the bottom he likes to think he is tough white trash, but he's really not. My point over all, is that it is not in my nature to hate. Hating someone is physically and emotionally exhausting to me. Between that and the stress lately, I'm feeling so drained. I can't afford to be, as I have to take care of my two beautiful children - the only thing my EX ever did right by me, are those two miracles. Yesterday he tried to lord his child support over me as leverage this was how the conversation went. Me Will you bring over the child support when you visit today, please? It's been two weeks. EX Sure, if that's what you want. Me Did you bring the child support like I asked? EX Yes. Me Well, since you are taking off, can I get it please? EX No. Me Why? EX Because you said you would try harder to talk to me, and you haven't. I swear - to any god there may be and is - I have never felt so intense anger than in that moment. He brought the money with the sole purpose of denying it what really gets to me is the money is not for me I know mothers who use the child support for their own wants and desires, it's for the kids. So, because I hadn't tried hard enough in the four days since our last argument to talk to him on a friendly level, he was willing to take away the money for his kids. I was seeing red. And the whole cause of the argument to begin with, four days prior, was because I started dating again. After a year and a half of being single, since the day he'd ultimately ruined everything - he does this all out of spite, and I hate it. In the end, he gave me the money. The hate, is exhausting. My energy has been lacking, because of it and the stress of having to deal with all this from my abuser. Or ex-abuser, whatever he likes to think of himselfbesides my soul-mate, because he is delusional to thing I would ever, willingly, walk back into the arms of someone who scarred me in so many ways. My roleplays have been lacking a bit lately, as well as my fanfics and original writings I hate him for that fact alone. I love to write. It's my passion, my calling, or so I believe, and that he can affect that really gets to me. I got to be stronger than this, stronger than him - at least I have someone who really cares to help me with it. I'm not alone and that, at least, keeps me going. And to all my friends here on BM, thanks for always bending your ear and being there for me when it counts, and when you can. Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for the early morning hours. No nightmares when I sleep, I hope! That would be nice. -Anjeru-