Thread: A Personal Diary Entry

It's been almost a week since my last entry. I'm finding it funny that the motivation for me to write in this public diary always seems to involve my sex life, or lack of it, or things involving women and my feelings. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't get from my marriage what I should. Or at least not what I want or need. So the most complicated issues I have with myself involve those feelings I get towards other women. It's not that I am unhappy. I'm absolutely not. I get everything I should want. I have beautiful children who are amazing little people so far. Its not bad . It's just not good. And by good I think I mean exciting. Something isn't truly good for me unless I'm excited. I think I'm an adrenaline junky. But not someone who wants to go on a rollercoaster or jump out of an airplane. I love roller coasters but jumping out of an airplane is a no. It's a different kind of adrenaline. Emotional adrenaline I guess. Work brings that adrenaline out of me. I just finished a 360 degree review this week, which is a review where your bosses, peers and employees all rate you on varous things. Across the board my creativity was incredibly high awesome! but so was my energy level and excitement. Restraint was low. To the point of being a high side liability My boss always tells me to calm down. I just get extreme joy from my job, is all. Yes its in the business world, so you'd think it would be boring, but its absolutely not. Its a fairly senior level role, bordering on very senior level, at a fairly small company. I get to be involved in just about every major decision, issue, question or problem that comes up. There is stress to it sure, but so far in my career its the closest I've ever come to actually running the show, running the damn company myself. During busy times when there are a lot of projects going on, I am running from meeting to meeting, influencing very senior people and helping make very big decisions that will absolutely be measured by our profitability and results in the future. Decisions pile on decisions pile on decisions and it all accumulates in a number showing how well we did. I work with a bunch of awesome people with a wide range of personalities, and it culminates in a board meeting where we work together, as a team, to prove to even more experienced people how awesome we are doing. The stress, but also just the running around and having to run a company, bring me the same kind of adrenaline I get when I'm just falling for and meeting a girl. Maybe not the same kind, but similar. Its a new challenge, and a new love for the work we are all creating together. Emotional adrenaline. That's what it is. That's the kind of junky I am. It's why I like so much drama in my role playing. Why I like the extremeties. A basic vanilla love story on the page in front of me can be thrilling in its own way, but I get those experiences in real life, so the role playing doesn't quite get there. But the extremes you can live out in a role play that don'trarely happen in real life makes it exciting. Brings about interesting emotions, even for fake characters, gives me the adrenaline I like. Because you can fall for characters on a page, which means you are sort of falling for the person on the other side, behind them. Anyway, more emotional adrenaline today. I think its interesting how lust and love are so intertwined. Lust makes you feel like its love. Even when you know its not, its like its an early form, a very early developmental stage of love. Just because you lust for someone doesn't mean you aren't developing feelings for them. Actually sometimes its the spark that causes the fire of love to start. Or its a fan that makes the flames brighter. Or something. I've been at my company for 8 years now, longer than I've ever worked at any single place. There is a woman, only very slightly older than me, who I interviewed with. It's partially due to her that I got the original job which eventually became I have the job today. She is the one who said I was over qualified and they should consider me for a higher level job. I ended up starting as her peer, and in my jumps up the corporate ladder I dragged her up with me a couple pegs. Needless to say I've known her a long time. We used to work a lot closer together, until the jump I made 2 rungs ago I left her department and moved to another floor. It's amazing how going to another floor really changes everything. Not being on her floor even means its much harder to see each other. We would never need to speak for anything work related except for maybe 1 or 2 things which we can exchange quickly over email. There's never a NEED to go to each others office. I need to be down to her floor maybe once a week, at most. while she literally never has any reason to come to mine. Not having a need to speak to each other, and being separated by a floor meant that suddenly instead of talking every day, its now much more rare. Although when we do talk, we tend to take our time, and it takes a while. We both seem to enjoy it. I've always been attracted to her. Not everyone would agree with me, and its not that I have low standards, its just that I have specific tastes. She has what I like about her. And I always thought she probably thought I was attractive. Whether its looks or personality or what, I always thought it. She's never anywhere close to forward about it, she's married too and has kids, and its a work environment. She's not the type that would be forward about it even if the circumstances were exactly perfect. But I can tell. Its the little things. She can't help but smile when she's talking to me. She never, ever ends the conversation on her own unless we're interrupted. The little movements that show me she's subconsciously or consciously worrying about her appearance with me. I don't normally see those things, especially if I've got a lot on my mind, but after knowing someone for a while, you notice whether its there or not. So the reason lust comes into the equation is twofold. First, my company recently moved to an all casual policy, which by the way, is as amazing as it sounds. You can wear casual attire anytime you want as long as you aren't meeting with any external parties, then its business casual. There are rules of course, about what you can't wear, not offending people, etc etc. But after a few months of the rule change, people really settle into their normal attire, and some of those rules get stretched, just a little bit. Just enough to make an attractive woman be able to be not so secretly attractive without anyone causing a fuss. Well today I went downstairs to her floor for some other work I had to do. I actually didn't intend to stop and talk to her, but I was looking for her boss and wandered down her way. It wasn't any big move I did, I literally had seen him walk in that direction 3 minutes prior so I wanted to see if I could catch him. I didn't find him and realized he was long gone right as I was walking by her office. And she was just walking in. And yes, I noticed the tall black boots she was wearing. I may have skipped right on by but she literally gave me the Hey haven't seen you in a while, what's going on? and like that I was roped into her office. It had definitely been a while. With everything going on with my kid, I've been more out of the office than normal, and was in fact out for nearly a month straight. So while it may have seemed to her like I haven't been downstairs, it was really more that I literally wasn't in the building. Anyway, so about the lust thing. So yes, she had those big black boots, but they were on top of a pair of jeans, and very tight ones. I hadn't seen her in jeans before. And a woman in jeans can absolutely be one of the sexiest things in the world to me. And above that she was wearing a black tank top. With a nice deep V in the front. She had bigger boobs than I thought! She wore a green button up shirt over top, but it was flowing wide open, not exactly covering anything. It was probably just there so she could button up if she had to if some important meeting happened spur of the moment. So did I give her the eyeing up when I walked in to talk to her. Absolutely. I kept eye contact with her sure, but were there moments I dropped them a bit to check her out? Absolutely. Did she notice? Probably. But did she care? Nope. I knew, because literally the first thing she mentioned is my beard. I've been keeping something between a long scruff and full beard for at least a year now. But today, right now, is probably the longest its ever been, mostly because I just haven't gotten around to shaving. I've been told by my wife and confirmed by others that it is in fact a sexy beard. Specs of my first gray hairs are in it. I think its a little bit of a wild mane, but the women folk seem to like it. It was there when my first diary entry happened! So yes, she mentioned my beard. And awkwardly for the next 3-4 minutes she made sure to be clear that yes, she liked it. I played a bit humble about it, even though I was smiling incredibly wide that she was complimenting me, and she tried not to make it sound like she found it so incredibly sexy, like not an overboard I'm attracted to you, more like trying to keep it to people may find it attractive, even though I knew at that second she found it attractive. Do you know how easy and fun it is to talk to a girl when you know she's attracted to you? I always kinda knew it, but between how long it had been, and it being our first real interaction in casual wear, and my beard, it's like it all came together and it went from 'yeah he's kinda cute' to 'damn, yeah I'd fuck him'. So the conversation was completely innocent the rest of the time from there, except for the fact that she never sat down so I could always see her body when I glanced at it. And the little moves that women make, now that I think about it, are really kinda cool. It's all subconscious. But I very clearly would glance at her body every now and then, and we were really pretty locked eyes for most of the conversation. So she had to have seen. But a couple times she would pull the loose over shirt over her to cover up. Maybe she was cold, but I doubt it. I think it was a subconscious way of making some motion to bring my attention to her body. Because every time, shortly after she'd cover up and cross her arms, shed loosen up again and flash it open, and yes, I would look. Totally subconscious, I get it. Maybe I'm just overthinking something, but I really think its true. Anyway, I had a crazy day in the office today, and I had no time to be talking to her. But by the end of the conversation it had been 40 minutes, and we had been ranting about how busy we both were, and I made sure to say how she was 'a good distraction'. She definitely smiled at that and said I was a good distraction too. Thanks for being a great distraction, I needed that I said, she agreed, and that was that. And just like that - someone I've known for years, and yes always had a thing for - just like that, add in a little bit of casual, sexy to me clothes, add in a new beard she likes. And of course I was casual too, with jeans that were pretty tight on me for a guy, that doesn't hurt. Add that in with having not spoken in a while, and us both probably needing a little attention like this, and you have the recipe for lust causing the spark to get you to have feelings that feel new with someone you've known forever. Maybe its just flirting and this is what people feel, who knows. But the reciprocation, that's what gets me. If I'm flirting with a brick wall, that does nothing, but yes, I think its the reciprocation that goes a long way. Especially because guys don't get it all that often. Girls get flirted with all the time, at least if youre decently attractive. But if a girl flirts with a guy, especially in a place or with someone they shouldn't then its like she's a slut. Stupid society and its rules. It's nice to have a girl you like show that she likes you back. And it happens rarely enough that it causes problems. Look at me! Anyway, this is long enough so I'm going to end it. You better bet the house on the fact that I'm going to go downstairs more often now suddenly. Gotta talk to her more. And I'm going to make sure she knows that I'm going down to see her. I'm going to say how nice it was to talk to her today, and how I missed her, and how I want to really, for real, do this more often. I'm going to make the effort for HER, not for everyone else I know down there, and she's part of the crowd. It's going to be for her. If I see others and talk to them to, then great, but when I talk to her next she will know the effort is for her and her alone, that will be clear. And you know what? It will go nowhere and mean nothing. But she made me feel good and happy and gave me the feelings I like to feel. So just for giving me that, she deserves to feel it herself. Over and over again. In the meantime, I'm going to roleplay. Because I have no much else to do with life right now, other than work.