Thread: Amber's Journal

Okay, so here is my first rant. It's a bit long winded, so bare with me. They usually won't be this bad. This was in my main post, but I bumped it down here as I redid my main post. Long emotional rant So I've been on and off this site for years now. I first discovered this place by accident. Don't ask how. I couldn't tell you even if you asked. I know I stumbled by accident. I had been RPing on Gaia Online for years, going above their recommended rating levels. I was so excited when I finally joined. I remember being hesitant and nervous and all sorts of things at once. I remember typing up my intro post and wondering if I could say something wrong.. or right. Ha. I was silly. I was active for a while. I had an overbearing, nosy mom who noticed I was on here. She then made an account to see what I was doing. Of course she saw everything from my request thread to some RP threads I was doing. She was horrified. I was livid. At that time I was 20 years old. It was none of her damn business what websites I went on and what the hell i did. As usual though, she won. She ruled my life with an iron fist. She was like a dictator. What ever she said, I followed. There were no ifs, no ands and no buts about it. I was so upset. I wasn't allowed on here for a while. I didn't even get a chance to explain anything to the people I was RPing with. Needless to say... it sucked. Then later that year she passed away. Pulmonary Embolism. It was quick and unexpected. Afterwards I realized that she couldn't control me anymore. I cried, I wept then I went wild. I did things I shouldn't have. Met people I shouldn't have. Then I came back here. At this point I was 21 and having a ball. I was RPing, meeting guys, and doing all sorts of bad things. Who knows what would of happened if I had continued. It wouldn't have ended well. Fortunately a friend of mine from high school stopped me. He was this kid I barely knew in high school. I had a crush on him for a while, but a friend of mine told me he was gay. There went my hopes and dreams. My mother claimed I had a horrible gaydar. One night I went out and met this guy I met on Fetlife. Dangerous and stupid. I went with him places.. Did a few things I'm not proud of. The the next day I met up with my friend. We chilled on my bed watching food network, or food porn as I call it. Then as he got ready to leave he looked at me and asked if I would go out with him. I remember my heart stopping. I said yes. And of course as it left my lips he was already apologizing and trying to take it back. That's when he realized what I had said. His jaw dropped. It was funny as I look back at it. After he left I swore I wouldn't continue my reckless behavior. I stopped almost everything. I had been meeting random guys offline, I had been camming for em. I was done. I couldn't go into a relationship while doing those things. I really hadn't had a relationship before and I didn't want to screw it up. I sent apologies to the guys I knew online, telling them I was taking an indefinite leave of absence then had someone change all my pass words. Except here. I did stop for a while. I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. I mean, everyone has a different definition of cheating. I wasn't sure what his was. One date turned into two and two turned into something I never expected. b We've been going on for over three years now. Three. Crazy shit. I finally asked him his feelings on me RPing with people. He doesn't care. In fact, he said he might make an account here and join in on the fun. It's funny how the world works. My life has been hard. Harder than it should of. But I've found someone who saved me from myself, accepted me, and encouraged me to do what I like doing. I don't want to dissapear from here again. I most likely won't.