Thread: Skippy's List

Some of Skippy's List, hopefully it will give you a laugh 1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when Im supposed to be working. 2. My proper military title is Specialist Schwarz not Princess Anastasia. 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 4. Not allowed to challenge anyones disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 6. Not allowed to play Pulp Fiction with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 7. Not allowed to add In accordance with the prophesy to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I dont like to War Criminal posters. 9. Not allowed to title any product Get Over it. 10. Not allowed to purchase anyones soul on government time. 11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. 12. Not allowed to join any militia. 13. Not allowed to form any militia. 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to Sic Brass! 16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my Samson like powers. 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 18. May no longer perform my now infamous Barbie Girl Dance while on duty. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if Im right. 20. Must not taunt the French any more. 21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 22. Must never call an SAS a Wanker. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if theyve been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if its true. 25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 26. Never tell a German soldier that We kicked your ass in World War 2! 27. Dont tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras British Airborne. 28. Dont take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks Even if they do hit snooze about forty times. 29. The Irish MPs are not after Me frosted lucky charms. 30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. 32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34. Next day Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody. 35. Not allowed to sing High Speed Dirt by Megadeth during airborne operations. See the earth belowSoon to make a craterBlue sky, black death, Im off to meet my maker 36. Cant have flashbacks to wars I was not in. The Spanish-American War isnt over. 37. Our medic is called Sgt Larwasa, not Dr. Feelgood. 38. Our supply Sgt is Sgt Watkins not Sugar Daddy. 39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40. I do not have super-powers. 41. Keep on Trucking is not a psychological warfare message. 42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankinds baser instincts in recruitment posters. 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 44. I am not the atheist chaplain. 45. I am not allowed to Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddys little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies. 46. I am not authorized to fire officers. 47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. 48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for magic beans. 50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 51. Not allowed to quote Dr Seuss on military operations. 52. Not allowed to yell Take that Cobra at the rifle range. 53. Not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket at the rifle range. 54. Napalm sticks to kids is not a motivational phrase. 55. An order to Put Kiwi on my boots does not involve fruit. 56. An order to Make my Boots black and shiny does not involve electrical tape. 57. The proper response to a lawful order is not Why? 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, weve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. 59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 60. The Giant Space Ants are not at the top of my chain of command.