Thread: Dancing With Myself, and other things I shouldn't do...

videoyoutube Rather than quote a lyric or two, I really feel that the above song needs to be heard in order to be felt. What is it for? Well...I'm not very happy today. Which is not to say that I'm angry, but for lack of better terminology lets just go with upset. Why are you upset Cosmic? I'm upset because today decided to trample on what was left of that squishy pink organ I'm dumb enough to keep in the pocket of my jeans. No, not my spleen, but the one poets write about all the fucking time, the one that is all lovey-dovey? That thing. That monster. That thing that shouldn't really exist in humans, cause godess knows most of us don't listen to it when we should. What I mean is, I have this quaint little ability allow people to contact me, who I shouldn't keep in contact with. One example of this, is my ex-boyfriend, who from hence forth will be called Satan. Now before I continue, let me just say, that everyone woman I can't speak for the men has dated Satan. Satan may be male, or female, doesn't matter. Satan is that significant other that either A breaks all of your rules B is what taught you that you need rules or C all of the above. I met Satan when I was fourteen, and I was dumb enough to date him when I was fifteen. The thing about Satan, is that for some unknown reason, he always felt the need to compliment me right before stabbing me in the gut. For example Ohh Cosmic you look so beautiful today. Sometimes I just think of how much more beautiful you would look if you were a little thinner. Dick move right? Something that any person in my shoes, would and should, kick him in the nuts for right? Well I didn't. I stopped eating for a while, but I didn't. Hindsight is twenty-twenty but when you are a fifteen year old girl who is starved for any kind of attention or affection, you do stupid things. Putting up with Satan was one of them. It didn't help that he was eighteen, cool and bought me pills when I was afraid I stole too many from my family. He was my first boy everything, and really the girl I was then drank up all that attention he lavished on me like it was an oasis in a desert. Even the negative attention. I've learned a lot of things in life, to a point where sometimes I don't feel like I should be eighteen, but rather in my thirties, but I think the biggest thing I figured out was that love doesn't happen much. Not to say it doesn't exist, but it only shows up when you are ready for it. I can honestly say that I think I have been in love, but I'm eighteen. If my life keeps going like it has been, I'll be thirty and laughing as I re-read this post. My point is, you can't just make it happen You can't shove the square peg in the circle hole. It doesn't work like that. Love is finicky and once you think you have it, you loose it. But that's what I and I'm willing to bet most women tried to do with Satan. Ohh, and just so you REALLY know he deserves the name Satan, he tried to sleep with me when I was drunk and high, and nearly passed out. Only reason why he didn't is cause my friend Rainbow almost beat the shit out of him. Yay for gay boyfriends! As far as relationships go, we were together six months. Not bad at all for high school bullshit goes. Definitely not the shortest, but not the longest stint in hell either. I broke up with him when I decided to get clean. And well, if he wanted to resign his life to drugs and binge drinking that was his own choice. Course I was still stupid enough to say that line we all know I want to stay friends But I was fucked up enough to believe it at the time too. So I don't know which is sadder. However I did notice things about him once we broke up and I was on my way to sobriety. First thing was He was a lair. And not in a fake-texting-to-avoid-a-conversation lying. But a I-am-flat-out-lying-to-your-face-even-though-I-know-you-know-the-truth kind of way. And right after we broke up id did not, let alone could not, associate with him for the first four months. That was a promise I made to B. I know this because all of my old friends Rainbow being one of them started to ask me why I did everything from cheating on him, to stealing his money to hacking into his online accounts. He was absolutely demonizing me to anyone that would listen. Which, okay, typical high school bullshit, I get that, but not what a recovering addict needs to hear. He knew I was getting clean. The few times I confronted him on this, with others mind you, he denied everything of course, further fueling my I should become an ax maniac or shoot myself mantra. Second thing was, he was a pity-me type. EVERYONE knows the pity-me types. The You should go on a date with me because I really don't know what I'm going to do if you don't bullshit. And with that pity me shit, he started to sleep around with every fucking freshman girl on the face of the earth. Keep in mind he was eighteen, that's illeagal. Hell, I was illegal in most states. Third thing was, he really, really, REALLY, tried to get with B. and not even in a subtle manner. But in a I'm gonna fucking stalk you manner. B. was my safe haven at this time. I was at her house nearly every fucking night. She was and is THE ONLY reason why I am sober. Particularly in the beginning. She knew everything he had done, and she knew even more, I found out later, than even I did. Needless to say, it didn't work but she had to quite literally kick his ass before he got the message. So...you're probably asking yourself right now, Cosmic, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KEEP IN CONTACT WITH THIS BAG OF STINKING YEASTY DOUCHE? Let me explain, I kind of didn't. It wasn't until recently, after my graduation, that I really started to depend on the good ol facebook. By which I mean, I have no car, and if I wanted to talk to any of my friends or keep in touch, I had to depend on that stupid site. And since most of them didn't have transportation either, so did they. I was getting a lot of requests the week of my graduation. So when Satan decided to add me, I was so use to just clicking the add button, I didn't look at the name or the picture really. Stupid. I know. Trust me, I know. Which leads me to today. Where I talked to Satan. For the first time in three years. Talk about awkward. Now here is why today upset me. I don't love Satan. I thought I did, but really, he was just one part of my addiction, I KNOW that. He was one of those people who though accepting was synonymous with keep feeding her drugs. He was one of the most despicable human beings that I ever met, and I knew that going in. But sometimes the neurons in my brain are chemically imbalanced enough that I decide to humor stupid bullshit. He started telling me how much harder life is, how the economy is so shitty, how he misses our days in high school so much, how I was the most amazing individual he's ever met, yadda yadda. Small talk cut with bullshit right? But then he said something that really set me off. Now, I'm really not proud of how much it set me off, but I need to get it off my chest. And I quote You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I think I fell apart without you, I really want to try to be friends again, at least. Now, let me get this straight. I went through eating problems, drug problems, manic-depressive problems, loosing friends, failing most of high school, family problems, money problems, and MASSIVE self esteem problems, but he's the one that fell apart? This coming from the guy who would insult me based on everything from my body, to my writing, to my friends? I won't be arrogant enough to say that he didn't go through a tough time, but I nearly died. More than once. And yes, he isn't the sole reason for that. I am the sole reason for that, but he sure as fuck didn't help me along in any way. So, I went offline, removed him from my friends and blocked his ass. Then I went and cried like nobodies business, and puked my guts out in the toilet. What upsets me the most however, is the fact that the only reason why I reacted like that, was because on some level, I believed his bullshit. I believed that he loved me, thought I was amazing and beautiful, and wonderful, and that everything was going to be okay again. I am upset because I was dumb enough to believe, even for a few minutes, that all I needed was another person to like me for me to get over all the things that I have been through. Basically. I went back to square one today and I didn't catch it as it happened. So in short, today was not a good day, and the moral of the story is--pay attention to all that facebook shit. LOOK AT PICTURES AND READ THE NAMES people. And anyone you have bad history with, you probably shouldn't add them. Learn from my fail. Please? In any case, I'm done moping. Thanks for the free vent BMR, and the people that actually read this little corner of sad, emo, mopey, angry, awkward, semi-political, all about me journal. You probably have better things to do with your time, but it is insanely nice to have an entity to talk with on your own time. Cyber paper is awesome like that. In any case, I'm going to try to eat something now and listen to some happy music I'm think Brett Dennon and some Dead Kennedys Oh, and here is a random quote from my favorite book of all time You don't know much,' said the Duchess, 'And that's a fact.' Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll.