Thread: What Lies In A Heart Of Darkness (10/2 Entry)

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've posted a journal entry, and and since I wanted to make an entry that's a little more personal, I figured I should start a whole new journal. I've noticed that I normally make these posts whenever I go into some sort of depression or when I get some emotional spike. Seeing that's it's been a long time since I've made a journal entry, I guess I've been pretty happy with my life since I've had no desire to talk about my life or ask for advice. I should probably make this a more regular occurrence. I guess I should talk a little more about myself. Back when I joined this site, I chose this name because I was an unhappy individual at the time. I was always angry, I was always depressed, I was just a rotten human being. I came to this site for something like an escape from reality. I worked at a Burger King, dealing with shit from asshole customers on a daily basis. I didn't make much money. I lived with my parents. And I was single and lonely. It was horrible. In the past, I've been teased for my weight, I've been through a couple of short lived relationships, and I've had a family member taken from me. I know it's not the worst life ever, but it left me pissed off at a lot of things. Since then, I've quit my job at Burger King and I've started working at an airport, delivering bags to airplanes. It's not the best job, but it's so much better than Burger King. I wasn't a very social person to begin with, so I'm very happy that most of my day consists of sitting in a little cart, alone. Because of that, I've started to get a brighter view of life, opening up more to my friends, making friends on this site, and slowly becoming a kinder person. I still get pissed off a lot, but I'm not as angry as I use to be. I'm still single and I live with my parents, but I've gotten so much more freedom in my life since then, plus an apartment is fucking expensive where I live. I do feel lonely at times though, and that's part of the reason why I've decided to make an entry today. I recently learned that one of my friends is getting married. A female friend, one of my closest friends, and she is also the girl I've had strong romantic feelings for since high school. Back when I had a miserable life, she was one of the few people I would go to for cheering up. She was fun to be around, every time I was with her, I was laughing. And it was kind of heartbreaking to hear her tell me that she only saw me as a friend. Since then, I've tried to get over her, and I haven't become as clingy to her as I use to be when I first realized my feelings for her, but that overwhelming sadness seems to have returned when I heard about her news. While I'm happy for her, it's hard to not feel upset when the girl that's getting married is the girl that I've been desiring to be with for years. I know I'll probably get over this eventually, but it did hurt to hear the news. I don't really know what to expect from posting my problems here, but it does help to kind of put them out there, to get these emotions off my chest. While it's welcome, I don't expect advice or comfort from the readers, this is probably my way of dealing with my problems. I have friends that deal with their problems in different ways. One of them seems to have a girlfriend every couple of months, and he drowns his sorrows in bottles of liquor each night, the bastard is annoying as hell when he's drunk. Another friend of mine got dumped by his girlfriend that he's had throughout high school, and he calms his sadness by playing hours after hours of video games. I even have a friend that managed to keep his relationship, in spite of the fact that he upsets his girlfriend constantly. While I do wish to have a relationship like that, to have someone love me in spite of my faults, I don't believe that would happen anytime soon. I do plan on doing something about it though. I have been getting out of the house more, when I'm not working. I also plan on losing my weight, mostly to make myself feel better. I plan to enjoy my friendships, in my personal life and on this site. I still plan to work hard at my job, and I've been even slowly working on a little side project with my friends, although it probably won't take off until we finally get our apartment arrangements set up. I guess I'm saying that I don't want this news to bring me down, and even as I type this, I do actually feel a bit better now that I'm not keeping this all bottled up. I do still feel like I need some time to sort things out, but this really did help. I do plan on keeping up with this, talking about events in my life and talking about topics that are important to me. Thank you to those of you that took the time to read this, it means a lot to me to know that this is being read.