Thread: Shovel's Log

Gender and Roles Hey everyone! I have today off and then Friday and Saturday. If I have a roleplay with you and I haven't responded back yet, please give me a little nudge and let me know. I have been a bit busy with a bunch of long tiring shifts and then my besties birthday last night. . Today, I will be doing something a little different. I will be sharing a journal entry I just posted on my Fetlife. It will give you an idea of some of my struggles when it comes to my Gender Identity and Sexuality. I would only ask that you be respectful if you intend to leave a comment. Gender and Roles Last night I was at the bar celebrating my friends Birthday, when a drunk persian dude asked me Are you boy or are you pussy? I assumed he wanted to know my gender. So I told him I have a big penis. He made it awkward for me. So I made it awkward for him. I guess I am getting to that point where my more androgynous appearance combined with my feminine expressiveness is starting to throw people off. And I guess that is to be expected, but I guess the question thrown so bluntly in my face threw me off. If someone were to genuinely ask me about my gender identity, I am not sure I could give a very clear answer at this point. I feel like I can simultaneously identify as male and genderqueer. Perhaps because I feel male is more about biology and genderqueer is more about psychology. I don't feel like I am trans because I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body or have any intention of getting an operation or undergoing hormone therapy. I just have aspects of myself that I want to express more fully and basically be who I am. And I know that its not going to be easy to do that in the hyper-masculine culture we live in. I am not so much worried about winning peoples approval as I am facing potential discrimination and physicalsexual violence for who I am. Even before I started to question my gender identity, I have very nearly gotten into some serious altercations by people in barsnightclubs for being me. So going further down this road does cause me quite a bit of anxiety. Another difficulty I am facing at this time concerns romantic and sexual relationships. Some of you may or may not be aware that I am GynaphillicGynasexual, meaning that I experience female romantic and sexual attraction only. My gender is pretty much all over the place, but the gender I am attracted to is pretty static and unmoving. And I am also coming to the realization that I would highly prefer to be the submissive in a relationship. All of my success in love and sex has been with me mainly being the one taking the lead. Obviously because I was the man and it was expected of me to do so. But lately, my experience with taking control has left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. It's not just the sex, its the entire relationship dynamic. I hate being forced to take the lead and have to do everything. The only time I am really fulfilled is when I can let go of control or have that control taken away from me. I try to be as flexible and as open as I can, but it is becoming clear that I am a submissive. And on some level, this frightens me. Because I know that a dominant or even a switch female who will accept my gender identity will be difficult to find. I am afraid that if I really am full submissive, then that will mean no one will want me. But I cannot keep going on denying that it's what I want. I can't keep pretending to be something I am not. The heart wants what it wants. And I want to be free. Click to expand...