Thread: A guide to the insanity....

Hello, heh, this is the first time I've ever tried or bothered to keep a recollection of my thoughts, Dreams? hopes?.. Well, since this is the first time, I may as well give my practical issues out of the way. I suck at well life, I'm 21, nearly 22 haven't been employed in a year and some. I got fired from my last major job Wal-rt Christmas time last year worked for a family member for about 4 months, that ended a bit ago. Everyone in my family loves to call me a suicidal loser, only my sister and brother do it to my face however. I've got clinical depression, and I'm Bi-polar. I also have a history of immune deficiency, horrible Asthma, and have a history of heart defects in my family. So, I'm sure your wondering why I'm here, bitching and moaning like a pussy whose wasting his time. Well the simple truth is, I have a curse seemingly from the gods themselves. I want to screw a woman, no problem I can hook up have her walking home within a fucking hour. However, I want a realistic, loving supporting friendship, I may as well be virgin at prom. I have 2 women who I would love to see more as friends, I honestly feel liek I could love 2 of them in different ways. However who knows for sure, given my luck I will probably screw it up, but still worth a fucking try. 1st well let's call her Red. Red is a single mother with two kids, this woman is a barrel full of her own issues. Literally if I'm fucked up, she's a whole another level of screwed up. One of her kids is six, the other is nearly 2. I love the kids, not s my own, but I still pick them up and play with them. I flirt with Red and she admits she's interested but I wonder if she's interested in e or the fact I wont' hurt the kids. One of the kid's fathers the one she's married too she married at 14, she had her son at 17, the kid raises hell and she never really punishes him because of what was done to her s a id, however she loves him and the kid isn't that bad. The other one is still to young to have a personalty but she's a bit wild she loves her mother and I see both being handfuls but fun in their own ways. I enjoy talking with Red, but she started as a Se thing, and I honestly don't know if my feelings would grow stronger over time. She lives in a complicated situation because of her second baby daddy. He's currently in jail for various crimes. She love the second baby daddy, but that sort of I guess I still love him love, that comes from someone you know you should hate. Someone whose pushed you so any god damn ties you only stay with them because it's easier to do that then separate from them. So, if you boil me and Red down to our most basic level, she's waiting to give the prison an a chance Since he could possibly be getting out ext onth and if he goes back to his old ways No one thinks he won't then she'll give me a shot. My problem with this comes from the fact she even said that. I wonder if I should be happy being second best.. I mean really shouldn't I have more pride and want to be first, instead of coming in second best to a former drug dealer? The second woman I love, her name is well let's call her Meg. Meg is an amazing bright young woman. We originally R.P.ed for about three years, before she called me, and we talked. For about a year and a half we had a fun time going, and then she got back with her abusive ex, eventually she moved on, but I was never the same to her. She calls me a horrible person because I don't' remember things about her, not because I don't' want too, but because either she doesn't tell me, or because of multiple head wounds I can barely remember things. I feel bad when I don't' remember but it's like a computer with a busted hard drive remembering things that were told to me so long ago it's impossible. If I am in a store too long I can't remember which I drove to the store, I can remember some things, but they have to stand out for some reason. Something to carve them into my brain. I'm sure your wondering why if one of the people who has known me the longest, who I've loved for a time but the feelings have never been returned supposedly thinks I'm a horrible person I haven't' just blown my brains out. Honestly I'm too big of a vindictive bitch to do that. if I wanted to kill myself, I'd prefer a way that was quick, and clean, with my luck I'd end up brain dead or something. I feel that if my loved ones hate me so damned much they should shut the fuck up and deal with it. Odds are eventually during a particularly bad set of depression I'll finally ill myself Tried a dozen times in the past slitting y wrists O.D.ing on pills, electrocution, even hanging to name a few. but as I said I suck at everything but sex. I'm sure if you've R.P.d with e this comes as a shock. I tend to be a dominant, and the reason for that is simple, nothing like sadism and control when your real life is anything but. I figure I'm a sane stable person, but along with my depression comes a need, a need that left a female friend with deep vaginal burns, a need to hurt people. A need to make them beg me for mercy. I'm not sure if it's sadism, or boredom, or both. Their are just times I look a kitten in the eyes and wonder how much force it would take to break it's neck, or how tight I can squeeze the bitch's throat before she gasps the safe word, how beautiful the bruises will be. I'm sure this is rambling and I make no promises or guarantees that I'll upkeep it, or pay any grammatical attention to it. I'll try but I'm just sort of letting everything out, like cumming on a bit of street trash's face, when the blow she's giving you to take her to another side of town is done. Letting out all the thoughts in my mind letting out everything, whether this will clean my soul, or be used proof during some future trial I honestly don't' know. I don't' expect every entree to be miserable if it is I'll probably get rid of it, or read back on it and grow the nuts to off myself. Before I get comments about how I'm being emo, or suicide isn't the answer, I want to make my feelings on the subject clear. Suicide is a cowards way out, barring two options, 1. Cancer patients things like that, people who are going to die the questions is whether they will do it in excruciating pain or without. I'm talking stage four nothing anybody can do Cancer. 2. It doesnt' fucking atter. If you've given up and just dont' give a fuck anymore. Cutting a life short is wrong, btu if that life's achieved al it can do, then fuck it. Might as well hit the reset button and start it over.