Thread: MINDOVERLOAD

When I saw Trump first run for presidency, I told my then-GF. He's going to win. ...Months later - here we are. At one point, I said I would move to America and be together with her. And now, knowing Trump is going to be president.... I still would. A-Adjusting to the world... I am in grief. I have walked through 5 stages. I have opened a door inside myself I did not knew was possible to open. But now that that one is open, my first door is impossible to close. I first went through denial. The first stage, a defensive mechanism against ill circumstance typified by an inability to rationally acknowledge that something has happened or is happening. The second I hit the end call button on my ex, that stage started for me. That was till I got my feelings for her exploding through my heart and reaching out to her again. Then I went through Anger. The second stage of grief is anger. When denial is no longer possible, it is replaced by misdirected feelings of despair and envy. When I confronted her with my true feelings, she wouldn't have any of it. The feelings that we had spent almost one and a half year together building up, she spit in the face of. Knowing defeat, I became angry. I couldn't deny the fact we wasn't together anymore and grew angry at everything and everyone. Bargaining, the third stage of grief came shortly after. Typified by desperate hopes or efforts to postpone or reverse suffering and loss. Looking back at pictures we had taken together, things we had experienced together and hoping there could be something there I could use to win her back. Seeing she wrote a loving message indirectly to me just before my birthday, I felt hope renewed... The fourth stage of grief is depression. With the realization that there is no escaping fate comes the desire to disconnect and retreat inward. Knowing that the message was meant more as a friendly hello, I still think about you, hope you're ok. depression came... Of course, she used to be my best friend.. I really want to hear those things from her. But I can't live with such words, knowing she's with someone else. Succumbing to the darkness oozing from my own husk of a heart, I started contemplating suicide... The fifth and last stage of grief is acceptance. After passing through the other stages, all that is left is to examine ones own self and reality and face the future. I wouldn't let myself be beaten. Not like this. I won't have myself take the easy, yet cowardly way out of this. I can make it all very primal and say Hah, as if a girl is going to make me feel all this, bah! But it's difficult when you're in the middle of it. To have her in your mind, heart and soul, looking up at the reaper as he is grinding his scythe and smile directly into your eyes. Taking death by the throat is one of the most ballsy things I've ever done, and I hope it was the last time I did it. Because I have a strong feeling that next time, he will be the one strangling me... Every New Year's Eve... I will always be with friends and loved ones. I participate New Year Parties and go outside when its midnight to watch the fireworks and whatnot. However, as the time hits 0000, I like to retreat a little bit away from the crowd and look up at the stars and the fireworks and think for myself. During that time, I have always gotten a little glimpse into what's going to happen that year. For example I foresaw that this summer would be very weird. And boy, did it get weird... I had lots of different odd jobs, met some curiosities one could perhaps call people, and I experienced a lot. However, one thing I did not foresaw, was my losses... A few years ago, my family approached me and asked me to become a Lord. Given my family is noble, they thought it would be in order for myself to be addressed in a proper manner, but also to become a beacon of power within the family. Personally, I want to earn a such title, not just take it. However, this winter... my grandmother passed away. She was our current beacon of power in the family, uniting east and west here in Norway. I was at her funeral last Friday. It was one of the most posh and elegant funerals I've ever been to. My grandmother wasn't a christian woman, so there was no priest, songs to god or whatnot. It was instead classical music, live performers from all over EuropeWhich performed for free as they had such respect for her and the family. However, in the middle of the ceremony.... In the fucking middle of it all... With our beacon of light fading today, we look out to our new seat of power which will guide us on ....and of course they were looking at me. The. ENTIRE. Family... I stood up and turned around to speakI was sitting on the first row. I won't go into details what I said, but I said I would not be their little Lord just so their branches would still grow over the country. That I wouldn't lie to myself about who or what I am, just because what others want and think is good for me. And all the time I was standing and talking... I was thinking about her... how she did what I said I would never do... I cried... Feelings that I hoped was dead inside wasn't dead... They were choking me with how real they were for her... So, this New Year's Eve.... I don't want to look into the future. I don't want to see what the future holds. Because 2016.. has been the worst year there have ever been. I don't really know what more to say... all in all, I have gotten some of what I wanted to say out, but at the same time, there are better ways I could've said it. But to the persons this concerns, I hope you understand me. Because of the leap I am initially willing to take... we won't have to pay tolls, or go with bad feelings we can't get rid of. Going to end things here. I just got out of the hospital after being there for 2 weeks with an infection level going over 2300 of what a human being ever should have. Feeling... dizzy..