Thread: —¤÷(`[¤*Ɍ.o.a.ȿ.Ҏ*¤]´)÷¤—

.o.a.. Rantings of a Short Person Scared Generally, I don't think much about the future. Or well, not years and years into the future, more like a couple of months ahead, like to graduation and what not. But I don't think about what it'll be like when I have a family, this is me assuming that I will have a family to begin with because I some how find a guy that 'fits' with me, I don't think about the kind of guy I want to be with, I don't think about marriage at all really, and I most certainly don't think about having kids. Yet, upon reading this article it got me thinking and honestly I'm scared. As mentioned I don't think about having kids, I'm not entirely sure that I even really want them but I'm not opposed to the thought of having them. I like kids, I like babies. I have friends who don't like either and think they're weird and bug eyed and I can see where those thoughts come from but I don't share them. I love cuddling a baby into my chest and hearing them laugh, I love playing with them, I get some strange enjoyment out of sitting little kids down and going over their ABC's with them no matter how much they don't want to. But at the end of the day those kids aren't my kids. I have a bond with them, but it's not a mother daughter bond or a mother son bond. While I'm more then happy with waiting quite a few years to have this bond as I'm 18 and I have no desire to get pregnant as I'm still trying to figure out how to take care of me, like hell I can do well with another person I'm actually afraid of the bond I could hold with my child, or lack there of. On one hand I'm pretty sure that I can come of have an excellent bond with my child, that I can love him or her. But then there's that part that scares me that people don't think about all that often, that I won't bond with my child or care for them the way I should. At the end of the day I can be one of three things A kind caring person, a bitch, or emotionally distant. It's those last two that I worry about being to my child in the instance that I can't form some kind of bond or connection. My parents divorced when I was little and as not to try and burden my mother, as my father decided to move to Texas and 'finish out school' fucking lair, but anyway, if I was feeling a certain way I would keep it bottled up. Eventually it got to the point where I would just shut myself away from people so they couldn't make me feel anything or hurt me in anyway. I was about eight then. Even so I still have those days or weeks where I'm just a recluse to people. But then I turned either 12 or 13 and that's when the bitch came about. Suppressing my emotions for so long created this side of me that's just plan nasty to other people. It caused me to be less then civil to people as well as other things and as a result as crippled some of the relationships I have now. Like with my step brother, I don't really have a bond with him. Worse then that I treat him like crap. Or well, I use to. Everything I said to him was....well, not nice, my tone was even worse. It's been a couple of years now and I'm better, I try not to be angry at him or nasty to him because he's done nothing, but hearing his voice and seeing him smile still make me cringe and want to kick it off his face. Yes it is horrible, yes it's bad, and I feel like a bad person for feeling that way but I'm working on it, or trying to. But if I can treat people that I've known for years that way how in the world am I going to treat a little new comer that just kinda...Well, I won't say that just showed up outta no where because they'll come from some where, but still. Either way I'm afraid of not being able to bond, of treating them coldly because I know that I'm capable of it. Some where in that womans post, though I believe she edited it as I can't find it but a lot of people quoted it when I think it wouldnt be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son It scares me to think that there's some possibility I could feel this way. That I don't bond with another person who's apart of me, who's my flesh, my blood, my soul, enough to the point where if I lost them it would be ok. Scares the shit out of me. But it's possible. And it's the possibility the worries me. -End rant here as AP gov homework won't do itself-