Thread: And I'm supposed to be an adult?

I should be sleeping but I'm not. I am tired but at the same time I am not. I have been up all night reading an online web comic. There is a story below each strip that tells so much more then the comic. I love it. It is addicting but I worry. Each comic i dated and I am reading things written seven years ago. I worry that if I check to see if I is still going I will find that it isn't and, like many web comics, that it never had a complete end. I don't like worrying about these things when I try and enjoy myself. I have been having trouble enjoying myself lately. I keep having head aches in one concentrated spot. I wonder if I should be worried. Some kind of blood clot in my brain or even a tumor or something. Probably just paranoia from the doctor shows I have gotten into. Still. I am up late, sitting in the dark with my little net book typing out random streams of barely conscious thought. I should be resting. I start getting ready for classes in 50 minutes. It usually takes that long for me to get to sleep. I don't sleep well lately, little concerns bog down my brain and my bed isn't as comfortable as it used to be. My legs always seem hot and it is the strangest feeling. I don't know. I'm tired and typing things without thinking. I just came to my senses and deleted a few sentences after realizing what I was saying. Not that saying this will really matter, I could say nothing and no one would ever know. That is if they even read this. Well, I know someone is reading this, the views go up. I keep stopping by, checking the journals forum and watching mine drop lower and lower on list. I asked for replies and I don't get any, I don't ask and I do. Things are funny that way. Tomorrow I'll be spending a lot of time at college, it is so strange. I have begun to hang out with a group of people. For a second today I actually thought of them as a family, it was so strange I paused in what I was doing. I should reread my journal and figure out exactly how I was adopted into them because I can't seem to remember the details. I know I was with them before my friend form high school showed up. She still has the same scars she did in high school. I guess that makes sense but every time I see them I wonder what made them and can never find the time to ask. My brother's friend has something wrong with his face. It isn't like scares but it twitches sometimes, his cheeks, it is strange to watch. Once I asked why but someone spoke before he could answer and they said. You have no tact do you? I do. Really, honestly I do but I have known him for three years and have never found out why. I asked my brother once. It turns out his nose was broken twice so maybe a muscle or nerve is pinched? I don't know but I am nervous about asking again. 40 minutes till I prepare for classes and still no sleep. My and my brother were close friends for a very long time but shit happened. I don't like it when shit happens. I hate it. If shit never happened I would be perfectly okay. He was friends with my brother and another boy. I became friends with this girl and she fell for him because she said he looked like John Lennon. probably mispelled the name but at 521 am I don't care So she started talking to them but she approached him when the three of them were together and my brothers other friend fell for her. So Tom not really his name but I will call him that fell for her but she fell for Dave. his name isn't Dave, it's much cooler. So while she flirted with Dave Tom flirted with her but she didn't like Tom. She liked Dave, Tom was too tall not being picky but he was over a foot taller then her and Dave had a beard that she loved so Tom grew a beard. When she and Dave started dating Tom still flirted with her. He got her presents and stuff but she didn't love him, she loed Dave and she told him so. She didn't want to lead him on. Tom and Dave stopped being friends because Tom couldn't just stop loving her. Tom got into drugs and started smoking. Dave went off to college and they kept dating. At college sometimes he would drink and she didn't like that, sometimes they got into fights over it. Then eventually she relaxed and she started doing it too. When she admitted this to Dave he flipped and they fought and broke up. Then she got really into drinking and drugs and started dating Tom who had never stopped loving her. ow they both go and do weird drugs like 'weird Chinese acid' and such and my brother still hangs out with them. As far as I knew my brother was just going as the sober guy but why would a big brother tell his little sister what he was really doing? One day Dave was giving me a ride home from DnD because my brother had dropped me off to go to work and he was able to vent the whole story to me. It turned out that my brother was doing shit with them. Not perverted things but the drug and alcohol stuff. After watching his former best friend go down that route and his girlfriend go down that route he didn't want to see his best friend go down that route so he stopped being friends with him. Dave can be an asshole at times but strangely enough while he was venting he seemed like a real good guy. it is a shame I likely won't see more of that side of him. 30 minutes until I start getting ready for morning classes. I can hardly believe I started writing this 20 minutes ago. I haven't been paying attention, I don't know how long this thing is yet, maybe I am just moving slow because I am tired, maybe not. Whatever it is I am here and I a stringing together random thoughts and committing them to type for any member of this site to read. It seems like a strange thing to do. Well, whatever, I am doing it and it feels good to just let myself spill out through my fingertips. I'm a bit disappointed no one has commented on my story idea, I was really looking forward to feedback but I guess I am in the wrong forum for it. But then again it isn't s story yet and maybe I am not reading enough stories in there but it doesn't seem like people give feedback for the stories there. I guess you just have to judge how popular you are by the number of views. I don't know. I like being able to spill myself out online because I don't have to pretend to be something I am not. The birds are singing outside my window even thought it is still dark at 537 in the morning. When I am with people I am strong. At least I try and look it. I am someone you can come to with all of your problems, someone who won't judge you and will help you no matter what. I am someone who does not like to see people hurt and doesn't care how weird you are as long as you are kind at heart. But inside I am not so strong. Inside I am quiet and sad and scared and hurt. Inside I am hurt and closer to tears then I feel safe admitting. While I am in public I dig my nails into the skin of my thumb to hold back the tears, forcing myself to look strong. If I look strong people think I am strong and they don't try and hurt me. Sometimes I hate the way the world works but I cannot hate the world. It is our responsibility as people to be strong and to change what we do not like. You cannot hate the world for being what it is, you can change to world to being what you wan it to be with strength and determinations. It is hard. People do not like to change, the world will not like to change but if you try hard enough you can make anything happen. I do not want to change the world but the people that live on it. I want people to be kind to other people, to stop seeking out ways to hurt them. I want people to be kind to those less fortunate to them and help each other and to stop looking out only for themselves. Utopia. I want it. But people cannot always have what they want. I want him to talk to me but that will not happen. I want to know what exactly happened to Amelia Earhart but that will not happen. I want to be loved. Who doesn't? 15 minutes until I have to get ready for classes. I will drive to my classes, I should not be driving with such little sleep, that is if I even get to sleep now. And still random streams of thoughts spill out through my finger tips all over my tiny keyboard. I will look back on this later and maybe feel embarrassed, maybe sad, maybe even take it down but now it is so late that you could say it is early. When does it stop being late and start being early? To late for one day and to early for the next? The world is a strange place. People are strange but if we were not how would we deal with each other? If I ever met someone who was not strange I would think that they were strange just because of how normal they were. Everyone is strange. No one is normal. That is just the way I like it. 10 minutes until I get ready for classes. Good night. Good morning. Sweet dreams.