Thread: The Tome - [Seiken's Journal]

Night again... I was invited out to a festival that's taking place where I live tonight. I didn't go. I was invited by a friend to play zelda and drink some beers with him. I didn't go. It could be because I was ever so slightly hangover today, but I would say it all boils down to... pain?. It's perhaps a delayed reaction, but I keep thinking of the women I've been with. What each have individually meant to me and taking pieces apart and putting them back together, analyzing the relationships. I've done this a thousand of times, but it feels like I am finally getting somewhere. Well, I feel so at least. It's sad to.. stare off into the night, pondering if you're going to be alone for the rest of your life. Then on the other hand, I've managed to cope very well on my own. Although, it's the need for someone, you know... And while I usually am - I am not talking about sex. But someone that wants to share a great portion of life with you. Oh, I'm still young and I'm sure I will meet a lot of other people who I will grow attached to and then hurt again. Heh, this might even be a fragment of the worst pain I will ever feel. But who knows... I've traveled the world for the women I really want, but I rarely get it returned. Going over my last one hurts the most. Being denied the opportunity to sit down like adults and talk things through and part as friends, or.. well, strangers. It'll be gone in some time, and I might even come back here and roll my eyes as of how silly I sound, but.. It just hurts, you know? After each relationship, I grow as a person. I become experienced and becomes a better person. However, one major drawback is... My soul hardens. I like to say that my heart has iron gates to it. Huge iron gates that takes a little while to open due to the weight of the doors. To begin with, when I was young, it was wide open. I was nave and didn't know what love was. Then I got my first crush, but learned she didn't really care much for me. So the gates closed. Over the years, ton after ton was added to its weight and it would be more and more difficult for others to open. However, with a certain few selected, they saw me and in some way made the iron doors fly open. Exposing who I as and what I wanted. It was shameful at first as I was exposed and vulnerable, and I prayed that I wasn't taken advantage of. While I still ponder to this day if I were or not, it became less and less embarrassing for each time, and eventually one door was always open so people could come and go as they pleased, almost having my heart out for show. Although, one day, I closed it and put chains around the lock. Now and again, the doors have flown open, but right now, the doors were pushed closed... And not by me. It's that discomfort I feel very much right now, and it just doesn't feel right. I know it's something I will have to overcome, but if there are for examples strains of blood vessels going from your heart to someone else and then the door is closed before you can cut the vessels... well, it's going to hurt like a bitch. Right now... They're closed. They're tattered with moss, scrapes here and there, even blood splattered a little bit upwards the doors. I grow weary... I grow tired... I grow lonely...