Thread: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Re Chaos Theory Causing Hahvoc. Even The Best Hoped For And Well-laid Plans Get Destroyed It seemed like our love was endless. It just get getting stronger with each week, each month we were together. We ended up with a pregnancy scare, even though we were using condoms and were very careful. But we were smart about it and bought Plan B together. It was scary as hell to ask for it, I was shaking so bad but he held my hand and it gave me strength. The man at the pharmacy was so nice about it, not judging or even asking questions. Just asked if I was 18 and to show my license. He probably knew how scared I was, I knew I probably looked it. But it worked out and I immediately got on birth control which made me pretty sick the first week I was on it. But it worked out and I felt much better about being even more protected. Still, we took things slow. And after the incident, we got that much closer and started discussing marriage and the potential of children in the future, years from then. I remember we were sitting on the couch in the basement, watching TV and I asked him that if I asked him to marry me, would he say yes. He told me yes without hesitation before presenting me with the same question. I just looked with a smile and said, Of course. It was a no-brainer. I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. As the months went by, we grew closer, more loving if it was possible. But we did get into fights but we always resolved them. We cared to much to let it ruin us like it did with a lot of our friends who ended up breaking up every few months because of one fight or another. Besides, we were good for each other. Senior Prom and a new tattoo came and went, along with my boyfriend's eighteenth birthday. We had a birthday party for him and of course, some private time for us at the end of the night. He was just so happy, he practically glowed with it. He was the center of my world and for a long time, I knew I was his. Summer started again and our one year anniversary came just like that. He gave me a diamond and sapphire necklace that matched a ring I had been given by a friend of mine. It was beautiful and I put it on immediately, loving it and the card that said I was the only one for him. I gave him a chain necklace and a card and we spent the whole day together before ending it with a bout of bed-time sharing. Everything was perfect and so absolutely wonderful. I was finally happy beyond my dreams. We had talked about getting married after college and possibly moving in together when and if I got an apartment. I was pleased with how things were going. But they didn't keep going in my favor... The month following our anniversary marked the end of us. We started fighting more and I felt him pulling away from me. I had been having nightmares that he was gone from my life and wasn't coming back. I should have heeded them more. I knew we were headed for a break-up, but I didn't know when. Two weeks after our 13th month anniversary, we had an average weekend. We made love on Saturday, and didn't really see each other Sunday, but he still stopped by. But something was bothering him. I just didn't know how to go about asking him. I stroked his hair and held him close before he left, telling me to tell him I loved him like always. I said I did and he gave me a kiss and then left. The next day was hell. I took off the necklace he had given me because I wanted to wear the cross I got for graduation. I feel like, because I took it off, it added to the break-up. I went to work like usual on Mondays and then came home and called him. He was busy so I let him go off on what he was doing. I decided to hang out with another friend of mine, Anthony. We went for ice cream. I was having a blast and then I got home and was told that Blaine had stopped by and he seemed...angry. I tried to call him and he wouldn't answer and then he ignored my IMs for a half hour before he finally talked to me, angry as hell and I had no idea why. He said I didn't answer his phone call when I didn't have any missed calls from him back then, I had terrible service with my phone, which he knew about and so I got Anthony to talk to him. I borrowed his phone to text Blaine and he stopped talking to me then. I didn't know what was going on, and was so nervous and afraid that I started going numb. Why was he so mad? I didn't end up seeing him until late, which was 730pm, and only because Anthony persuaded him to show up. And when he did...god, it was like a stranger was on my porch. He spoke to me, told me he couldn't do this anymore and that...he didn't love me like I loved him. That his love had changed. I didn't yell, I didn't fight, just told him I tried to be everything he needed because he did the same for me and I told him to go home, my eyes burning with the urge to cry. I heard him get into his car, turn on the engine and leave my life the way he had come into it Abruptly and leaving me with little warning. I curled up on myself and cried, screaming with the pain and agony inside my heart. He was gone. The love of my life, the one I had wanted to marry, was gone. My whole body hurt, everything hurt and I couldn't stop crying. My mother came onto the porch to ask what was wrong and I told her what happened. She tried to hug me and I flinched, not wanting to be touched by anyone. And to top it off, Anthony had seen and heard everything. I called my friends, trying to see if anyone could talk to me or him and figure out what the fuck was going on. But no one was around. Everyone was on vacation in Cape Cod or Maine. I was alone. My best friends weren't around to keep me from drowning in my agony. Anthony went home and I called two of my other friends, the only ones who could see me. I went numb, started laughing about random shit. This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. This was just a dream. But then I would sniffle and hold my head, knowing it was real. That I was alone with the darkness again. I scared the shit out of Anthony because I went into a semi-suicidal rant, telling him traffic looked like fun and that jumping off my roof would be an awesome flight test. He was scared, truly scared I would hurt myself. But I didn't. It was hard as hell with what I was feeling, but I didn't do anything stupid. My friends showed up and held me and I couldn't stop from crying. Why was I abandoned again? What had I done? How could I fix this? I had no answers and boyfriend-my now ex, gave me no reasons as to why we were through. That was the worst. Not knowing what went wrong. I ended up listening to old messages from him on my phone and I felt my heart shatter all over again. I stayed up until four in the morning, woke up at six, and didn't go back to sleep until later that night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I didn't want to go outside. I called my work and told them I couldn't go in and my boss understood. I could barely speak on the phone, feeling like I might burst into tears at any moment if I even hinted at what happened. My mother was concerned that I would just rocket off into oblivion, which is what happened for awhile. I was sick for weeks, a little over a month of being unable to keep a lot of food down and no appetite to speak of. I barely slept and when I did, I kept getting dreams of Blaine leaving me over and over again. I didn??t go out. I stayed in my room and cried while listening to music, trying to figure out what had happened. I tried talking to him and every time ended in tears. There was no going back, there was no mending this. We were through. He made that perfectly clear. And I ended up seeing him a few times the rest of the summer, and each time felt like a punch in the gut and a bullet through my heart. We were both miserable, but we wouldn??t talk about getting back together. I knew he didn??t want me anymore, not like I yearned and cried out for him. I cried each time I saw him and ended up having to leave whatever event I was at. I couldn??t stay there when I couldn??t sit in his lap anymore and tell him I loved him while playing with his hair. Or joking with him about a funny sex story we had. I just couldn??t take seeing him. It tore me apart anew every damn time. I started going out a little more, but the ache and the despair was still there. My mom described me as a person in mourning and every night basically, I would cry myself to sleep, trying to be quiet so I wouldn??t alert my brother to my distress. I lost probably ten pounds during the first two months of being broken up. I slowly started eating normally again, but it was hard. It was so hard to start getting back into a normal routine that didn??t involve him anymore. Randomly, we would talk online and it was confusing every time. He wanted me back, but he wouldn??t ask me or tell me he needed me. And even though I loved him and desperately wanted him back in my life, I wouldn??t ask for him back. He had to knock on that door by himself, I wasn??t just going to let him back in. And it killed me that he never asked. I hung out with Chris and we did some stuff, and it was relieving to know that at least someone still wanted me, even though it was more physical want than anything else. Oh, Chris cared, but he didn??t want a relationship with me. And I guess I needed the reassurance that I wasn??t some freak that no one would ever love. It really felt like no one would love me like Blaine had. College started and I made a few friends, but my old friends, the ones who knew, would look at me like ??What happened? Why did it happen to you?? They had looked at Blaine and I like role models. And even three, four, five months in, they still couldn??t believe we were broken up. Neither could I. I was reminded daily of what I no longer had. It was damn hard to live again when the center of my world wasn??t present, like I had a black hole where he had been. Smiling was rare and even when I did smile, most of the time it was fake. I was masking my hurt and immersing myself in my work since I didn??t have a job any more. Another blow that I had to deal with when I was already hurting. Life?sucked even more so than before. Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all seemed like a cruel joke. I was flirting with suicidal thoughts again, just random things that would float into my head. I never told anyone, of course. I would never try that again, but I couldn??t stop myself from thinking, would I die if my car drove into the light post? Or if I didn??t put on my brakes at a stop sign or red light? I wasn??t in a good state of mind, but like before, I was able to hide it extremely well. I was in the black once again. I had hit emotional rock-bottom.