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Re Kitty Dreams - From other area HKitten said In the Beginning of Time? So?this is somewhat of a typing for release, and somewhat, just because?well, whatever reason we all type out journals. Going to use bluemoon like my facebook or whatever. I??m going to start the first journal entry with something? depressing, as something in the chat had reminded me of this fact, and it??s on my mind at the moment. I guess I??ll start from the beginning and try to keep this short, as I wouldn??t want to re-read a long novel. It started when I was in high school, freshmen year. The summer before had been rather fun parties and flittered around with all my friends in the high that we were all going to the same high school. Back then, it was the biggest thing that we would all go to different high schools??which I find funny, as college was almost devastating to us sweat the small stuff, huh? But anyways, so in the middle of the summer, I was offered a job at a reptile store, of which was owned by my old elementary school teacher. I had known him since I was basically five years old, so I thought it was going to be fun and almost memory-revisiting. In my elementary, we had little pets in classrooms and a large orange and white python snake inside of the library. It roamed around without being caged, and if we wandered in, we could find him sitting somewhere on the bookshelves, or on the ground somewhere. Thinking back, it was a bit?farfetched and dangerous, but no one seemed to mind and parents back then didn??t care. The snake was harmless and had never once attacked anyone, but during story time, it would slither between kids sitting on the ground and allowed them to pet him. But anyways, so back to the reptile store. There, I tended to the animals there, which consisted mainly of snakes, geckos, mice, crickets, tortoises, walking sticks, lizards, and frilled dragons they were so cute 3. Most of the time, I was alone though, with my co-worker being the background guy that stacked boxes, did papers, etc. Whenever customers came in, they would see me instead of the other guy. Over the course of the year, I handled the store and cleaned around. Most of the time, there were snakes that needed to be tended to, and while some people find it cruel, most of the time, I would have to feed the snakes live mice, and check back to see if they ate it. For almost a year, it seemed like a fun job, as I was used to snakes around me in my life. Only once had I been bitten, but it was with a small snake, and that little guy got head-bonked and released my finger. When the summer came again, I continued to work there, going about and doing the fairs that the streets had showing off some of the little snakes for customers to see. Looking back over the time there though, I began to notice little things that were affecting my working ability. The strange ??surprise massages?? that my boss popped up on me was sometimes alright, as I thought he had found me like a daughter he didn??t have??well, he had divorced and only had a son that never visited him. As I continued to work there though, things got strange, as the guy that worked in the back got fired, which made me wonder what he had done to get fired. He had been rather fun to talk to during breaks, and we had had a date once before mainly to get to know each other as co-workers. Almost a month after the guy had been fired, my boss was around much more??obvious, as there was no one else to do work around there. At least, that??s what I brushed it off as. He would still continue the random massages that were mainly shoulders and back, which I will admit, I thought was alright, since a massage was a massage. Just little rubs on the shoulders whenever he passed by, and whatever. It became strange soon though, as he began to rub my stomach, and a few times, brushed across my breasts. The first time, I didn??t think much about it brushing it off as a slip of the hand as he moved to rub my shoulders. Now, I admit I shouldn??t have allowed him to massage me in general, as it was strange as it was. But in my mind at the time I was about?fifteen at the time, this was someone that I saw like a second father, and my dad used to stand behind me whenever I was doing something, patted my shoulders, and sometimes when I was doing homework, he would massage my shoulders and tell me how proud he was of me. Yes, my parents are saps, and they aren??t all traditional Asians. For two people who had escaped the Vietnam war, struggled in another country as teenagers, and married in the early twenties, they are wonderful people and grand parents. So, it was nothing that I thought too much of. When the touches got a bit personal though, just directed up at my upper body, it began to make me uncomfortable. I began to avoid the touches in general, not knowing what it was, but knowing that I didn??t like it. I was rather sheltered in this time of my life, as my parents were protective, and at the same time, no one that I had known had been through or spoken about this. School hadn??t mentioned anything about such things before, so this was all new to me. It began to make me not want to go to work, and while I was at school once, I overhead my teacher talking about molestation. It was a health class and there were things about mentality and all, so I wasn??t quite caught up with the terms at the time. But when I looked back at some signs, I realized that what was making me uncomfortable was his touches were not wanted, and aimed towards a sexual direction that made me uncomfortable. Of course, I quite as soon as I could, and never even went to visit him or even talked to him. My parents are still in the dark about it, but I have told my sister. I began to ask for my dad to stop hovering over my shoulder to praise me, which he was confused at, but looked like he brushed it off as ??his little girl growing up?? I??m the youngerest sister. I know I should tell my parents or should have went to the authorities about it, but it was something I wasn??t ready to face and admit, but the guy that was my co-worker found out, and met with me. He learned about that as well, as he had always senses something strange. Seeing that I didn??t want to come out as a girl who had been molested, he moved to take the burden for me, and reported that the boss had molested co-workers??mentioning other girls in the past, that surprisingly, had testified. I was part of the group, but I didn??t speak up, as I realized, I was the youngest there. A small part of me didn??t want to speak up though, as there were still some emotion conflicts that I had. Here was a man that I had saw as a second father, someone that had been my teacher since I was younger, a family friend almost, and someone I had trusted to help me guide me through small pockets of my life. The offer of the job was to be my first job and get me rolling, so I was thrilled at the time. As I??ve said, I had never even touched subject with this in any area of my life, so it was almost too easy how it had happened. I wish I had been able to see it earlier, or I wish I had been stronger and known better. But I didn??t, and that was a sad fact. In Vietnam, he would have been put to death and probably justly murdered by my family, which was something that was not uncommon for the government to overlook. It was like a slap in the face and betrayal at the same time. He was trialed and proven guilty and that was the last that I paid attention to it. I soon found myself avoiding showers yes, I know, gross, but I couldn??t stand undressing myself. For the first time, I felt dirty by being a woman. I think, like Oreo??s saying of how a woman??s greatest power is to make a man feel like a man, it works the other way around as well. A man can make a woman feel like a woman, and while some might argue differently, it??s just what I thought at the time that I read that quote. Things just went downhill for a bit, as I found that I hated my body and hated to be around my own father. Um?this got longer than I thought it would, so I??ll be wrapping it up for now and maybe revisit this later. To the point though, I??ve gone a long way of recovery, and at the same time, things had turned out for the better. There are still some things that make me stray away from because of memories, but I try not to think too much about it and work on recovery. I suppose that because of this incident, I have issues about a lot of random things, which sadly, this chapter in my life led to something that affected the outcome of something that had been important in my life of which I??ll visit later, as I??d like to rant and get that out of my stream too. On a closing and brighter note though, I met my boyfriend a few years after this and from then, it had been a much easier road of recovery. Hm?should probably post something happy later, as it??s nice to balance out. Well, I??d like to say thanks to MM as well, as he was right the rant felt a bit relieving, and getting it out of my system lets me realize that I haven??t just drowned in bad pockets of my life. 3 Click to expand... HKitten said And then...I found the Asian Messiah... So, I thought about posting something less depressing this time. Well, I guess it??s not so depressing now for me, but at the time of when it occurred, it was pretty crappy. Hm?in the most recent years, something great that happened in my life would have to be my boyfriend. We apparently met in junior year in high school. Supposedly, as I don??t even remember him from that year. But then again, I think its because of my selective memory for such things. As I somewhat remember and of what he??s told me and others has told me, we were in the same English class. Junior English was almost an epic failure as we had substitutes that didn??t even speak English well. Now, I??m not against non-native speakers, but?to teach an English class, I think it??s required to be able to speak without a heavy accent. I had troubles learning some things, and I couldn??t understand what she was talking about half of the time. Well, he apparently had joined the NHS that I was part of that year as well, so that he could be near me. BF, for the sake of avoiding his name and titling him all sorts of things, told me he had liked me during that year, so he trailed me. I found it rather cute, like a puppy that would follow who they liked and hoped to get petted. So, basically, the entire year went by, and I barely noticed him. It wasn??t because I meant to be rude, but it was because he was the shy, geeky little Asian boy with glasses that just never spoke to anyone outside of his group. It was hard to notice someone if they didn??t talk to you often, right? We did interact a bit though, as the group had to get together and work on projects. Apparently, he had gotten my phone number?somehow?I still question how the heck that happened, as I JUST got my cell phone that year, and no one had my number?. School went and passed, and over the summer, we met each other ONCE yes, just once by accident. We were getting off of work and we had apparently worked in the same general area. His Max had troubles and stopped halfway, so by the time it got to my stop, he was still on it??usually, he would have been on the one before mine. So we saw each other and I do not know how, but I placed a name to a face and got it right. Whoots The meeting was brief, as we went our separate ways to go to the bus and?that was basically it for that summer. Nothing special in my mind, but he thought it was like fate or something. Well, come senior year, we??re part of the NHS thing again, but this time, I was president of the club. I had to interact with the others much more, so I was able to talk to him and all that stuff. Barely even noticed him though, but I guess, this leads us to the DAY OF JUDGMENT?not really, but similar. On such a day, we had to go to this nursery that was near our school, to get gardening supplies, as we were making a garden in honor of a security guard that had died during that year. It was fitting, so the entire club was working towards it. Admittedly, we had such a short time that it came out a bit hashed, but the years that were after us fixed it up well. Well, on that particular day, something magical happened. Sadly, no, it wasn??t rainbows and sunlight kisses. Rather, it was freezing near end of fall and towards winter, and we were all clucking our teeth together while we suffered and tried to pick out the best topsoil for the garden. When I saw that he didn??t know how to effectively warm up his hands??he was shaking them in the air and slightly rubbing them against his thighs??I walked over to him with intent to be a good Samaritan. Because I??m just that cool?but not. Anyway, I cupped his hands within mine, held it close together as if he was cupping something as well, and showed him how to use your own breath to warm it up. We had long sleeves, so I told him that if he buried his hands in his sleeves and did the same thing, he??d warm up faster and keep warm longer. And THAT?was what made him get the courage to ask me out later that week. He thought I liked him, so he went ahead and gave me this green floppy disc that I don??t even remember lending to him??but apparently I did do so. BF was very insistent that I took it back, as he had written something on there for me. With the type of guy he is, I automatically thought that he was just thanking me, so I placed it in my backpack and?completely forgot about it. By the time I got home, it wasn??t until my friend called me and asked me to find a file, did I attempt to check that disc by accident, as I couldn??t tell one disc from another and found that word document he left me. It was titled my name, and so I clicked and read. What entailed was the creepiest shit I had ever read. No joke. At first, it started off rather cute, as saying how he liked me since junior year. And then, it took a strange turn of how he had been interested in my personality, and how I interacted with things and people. So, instead of telling me in junior year, he just and in his words ??sat and stared at you. Watched you.?? uh?can I say ??stalker?? So I continue reading downwards, and lo and behold, he quotes the Bible on the ??love??. Let??s say I panicked and called my friend back, asking ??wtf?!??. Well, one thing led to another, and I ended up calling him later on?or well, text??ed him, and told him we could talk about it on Monday as it was Friday when I got the disc. By the time Monday came, we skipped lunch together and got out into a parking lot to talk. To be honest, I don??t remember what I even said, or what he said, but I know that from then on, we became BFGF. However, what I DO remember from that was that literally after lunch about 35 minutes, the ENTIRE Asian community knew we were together. He was like some Asian Jesus or something, and they were all staring. Least to say, I was freaked out. And so started the strange beginnings of BF and I, and it has been an odd road indeed. Heck, I just skipped a year or two of my escapee years, where I did a lot of random stuff that sent me into worlds I had never been exposed to. But?that??s for another idea and thought, as I??d rather think of BF and I for happier thoughts. 3 Click to expand...