Thread: This Girls Journal "A poly girl living in a mogy world"

Hello, my name is Lisa known here as girly. I am 30something and live in the US. I am a mother and wife...but I lead an interesting life. I am a historical re-creationist and a gamer. ...I am also polyamours. I knew growing up, as a teenager I felt 'differently' then others do about relationships. I felt jealousy but never over peoples relationships, just stuff. GOD I WANT THAT COAT sort of things. A friend of mine was in a long relationship our senior year and she found out her boyfriend had kissed another girl. Her reaction was to beat the living crap out of the other girl and I...was in shock over it all. Why would you want to do that?! I asked just...confused. Why? Why do you hate her for kissing him? I learned through my young adulthood that...jealousy was dangerous. I got married far to young to a horrible human being. He controlled every aspect of my life, I couldn't work without him sitting in the car watching me. I became pregnant and it got worse, I kept the idea that...if I did more it would get better. He didn't hold a job because he was so consumed with -me- and making sure I wasn't 'fucking other guys' because that was REALLY BAD. The marriage became horribly abusive, verbal and physical. One day he raped me, tore my sack and caused me to go into premature labor. Our marriage ended shortly after I gave birth and I was a single mom...but I was free! FREEDOM. Love I learned was a burden, and so I avoided it at all costs. I saw men, pushed into relationships because my little girl needed a father. I got married to a charming man, and quickly learned he had just as little respect for me as my last. He was not abusive but he made it clear it was not okay for me to see others, but he was free to do so. He wouldn't come home for days, even brought a young man home for us to share...but I denied my want. I wanted love. Sure I did love him, in a way. We had a few children but...my love started to fade into regret. Anger. Humiliation. I learned jealousy. I learned how I hated it. It was like a weight drowning me in emotions I didn't understand. While married...I fell in love. A long distance relationship developed with a man I met in a game. It was a love stronger then I had ever felt. It was real. It made my legs wobbly and my hands feel like they were cold. After a few months I realized...I needed to go to him. We met and instantly attached. I left my husband and began a nasty divorce. I was attached...literally. In the beginning I didnt understand why he was angry if I roleplayed with someone else. Its just RP I would defend myself with. ..but I knew what was in his heart. Jealousy. A Burden I knew, I knew how sick it made your soul. I loved him and didnt want him to feel that way...but by ignoring my need, by pretending I am something I am not was suffocating. I would slip...often. Talk to men on the internet...get caught and cry for forgiveness. Eventually he started to loosen the reigns. I could RP...but he had to be able to read it. We tried to have a relationship were we shared our partner...of course it was only allowed to be a woman. It was a reminder why I was not a lesbian. Needless to say it did not work out and when it ended messily he vowed We were never going to try it again. It. That part of my soul that was missing. I was not happy limiting my love to one partner. I loved him though, I loved him and he loved me...and children were soon added to the mix. I began to slip into depression and contemplated suicide. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was damaged. I was broken obviously, no one else feels like this! Everyone pushes this ideal on you HUSBANDS AND WIVES ARE HAPPY I wasn't. I just wasn't happy. Sure I was in love...but I wasn't me, how could my husband say he loved me if he didn't love all of me? I fell in love again. Locked how I felt up in a box. Again I met a man online and we did lots of things together. Spent evenings just talking after my husband went to work. I could do this, celebrate my love to my husband and keep my love for this other man a secret only I would know. ...but it was obvious. When a woman spends days crying while doing the dishes. Then is singing the next week something changed. I wouldnt deny how I felt when my husband asked. I told the man online how I felt. From here out we will name my husband 'N' The man from online 'K' I told K how I felt, and he admitted he felt the same, but he was scared. My husband was very territorial and he understood that this was never going to be a thing. He just enjoyed my company and would allow it to be as it was...a friendship. N demanded me to stop talking to K and to stop playing the game we shared. My heart shattered...but as before when I would speak to men online and it became complicated and messy...I promised to walk away for our marriage sake. N realized...it was different this time. I became a shell of a person, nothing mattered. I was just a mess and I felt little joy in living an everyday life where I could not be me and my husband could not accept and love me in full. 11 years and I was pretending to be someone else, and my husband claimed to love me but could not accept how my heart worked. It was heart breaking. Devastating. I started to look up ways to fix me. Hypnosis? Maybe medications? Therapy? After some time my husband said Alright. We try this poly thing...but my rules... I was so happy I didn't care about rules...'we try' was enough to make me agree to anything! The first few months were a roller coaster, my husband has trouble keeping girls happy...and had gone through relationship after relationship. When he broke up with a woman...I was forced to break up with K. It didn't slow us down. Our long distance relationship was exactly what I needed.What we both needed...someday we would meet. Slowly rules became more relaxed and I became far happier. I laughed more, sang more. I was able to express my love and hold it. My heart felt full! My husband...became distant. He hated it. He hated that he couldnt find a girl to just settle down with. He was jealous. We approached 10 months of K and I being together...when finally the right girl for N came around. She was perfect. The idea of us meeting our significant others became a topic, we discussed it and planned it. Weeks away from being with K for a year and...finally..I would be able to kiss him, hold him, gaze into those blue eyes. ...then N's girlfriend looses her job. Suddenly shes in a bad place and becomes very flaky when we offer to pay for her trip. I get this sick feeling in my stomach. She wasn't who she said she was. How does a woman for months who was independent and well off for a single woman with no children....suddenly loose her job, her house, her car? I smelled BS but kept it to myself. That was his relationship not mine. Trip canceled, my husbands heart broken as she becomes increasingly flaky and distant. He is frustrated and as we had one of our many fights about where this might go...he said Just...stop. I don't ever want this to be more then us having long distant relationships outside our marriage. And like that the ultimate rule placed on me. I know that this entire life...is in his hands. I work out of the home and make a fraction of what he does. I cant just threaten to leave, a third divorce? I have seen the damage on my elder kids faces on what it does to them. Hell my older teens abandoned this family to live with dad...they don't even know my younger kids. They blame me for leaving, in a way I guess they believe they are right. I wont blame them... So I love my husband but I am trapped by his jealousy and rules. I love my boyfriend who I will never touch, never hold, never kiss. This is my life as a poly trapped in a mogy relationship. This is my journal, a safe place to share my feelings.