Thread: The inner musings/bitch rants of an insomniac

I was going to have the date here, but that seems minorly redundant. Mind you, what do I dothink about that isn't? Hah. So we'll start this out by saying that this is completely different from DLS. I love that place, it's my fucking home online, but sometimes I feel like my posts have to contain a certain air, you know? Like I have to be a bitch. It sucks that there's no edit button for this forum, but what can you do? I'm not going to bother bitching about any kind of tyranny or stupid rules. That's for the people who love to get laughed at. I'm not one of those people, nor do I really give a shit. See, after spending so much time on a 13 forum, most of which is spent wagging a finger at dramatic, mindless little high school fucks, there are all these rules ingrained in my mind. A system, if you will. But I'm going to get used to being older. ... and I'm going to stop letting my fingers do whatever the hell they want, taking the wheel while my mind zones out on the sounds around me and how annoying the sound of my cat wheezing is, and yet how much it scares me because it reminds me of my old cat. Anyfuckingway. Time for some relationship issues. Oh huzzah. If you're reading this, feel free to think about how trivial this sounds, but if you'll excuse me, my mind is constantly in a bubble. I don't allow myself to think about this kind of shit normally until it comes up, and even then I seal myself in a bubble. I'm lazy. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. So Adam brought up the subject of school again today. No big deal. I'm almost 20 fucking years old. I graduated 2 years ago. It's time to take a jump right off the old cliff towards college, especially now that I finally know what I want to do and won't feel like I'm wasting my time on some randomly chosen and interesting sounding classes trying to decide that. What he mentioned was the matter of living together. See, from day 1 of our relationship we made a big fucking mistake. Being the empathic person he is, he tried to save me from my mother's house by letting me spend the night there, just cuddled up to him. Being the physically inclined people we are, it was no mental challenge. But then my mother eventually gave me the ultamatium Move out, or stay home every so often. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I had a giant fuck off stamped across my forehead. If not, I damn well should have! I moved all of my worldly belongings down to his place, and then proceeded to sit on my ass for a few months. Just picked up Phoenix Wright again. My DS is just sitting there beside me, on. The music is almost calming, despite the fact that I'm in the middle of a murder trial haha... but I digress. I hate working. It's incredible hard to dedicate myself to something unless it's something I enjoy, or, at the very least, have some general knowledge about. My first job was in a library. I was allowed to listen to my mp3 player while making 11 an hour putting books away. That was heaven. The only downsides were the hours - 8.5 a week, more during the summer. With that kind of easy money but those horrible, horrible hours... I'm kicking myself for not saving more of it. There's a lot I'm kicking myself for, actually. But that shall all be saved for a later topic. I'm getting off-track enough as it is... My latest job, on the other hand, was a complete and total gong show. It was in a specialty tea shop. My brother's stoneroutspoken girlfriend is the manager. I needed a job, she handed me one on a nickel-plated-disguised-as-silver platter. And I say that, not because I was ungrateful or am slightly bitter about how I lost the stupid job, but because it was, as I said, a gong show. I knew nothing about tea still don't according to my last run-in with the owners, but they're snobs and another bitch rant completely, and don't even like the stuff. However, the pay was average, the hours were decent, and it was mindless yet required thought. Before I got that job, however, I was on the edge of my seat waiting for a phone call from the local gaming store chain. I wanted that job. Still do, actually, although I'm glad I didn't get it right before Christmas. Oi vey. Give the girl almost a year to sit on her ass, and suddenly stick her in one of the busiest stores in the mall right before the busiest shopping day of the year! What a way to go. Needless to say, I could use a job that involves pop culture, whether it's at a movie rental store, a game store, or something along those lines. But enough about jobs. Back to the topic at hand. Again. So we both want to go back to school finally - Adam to get his radio broadcast degree, and me my event planning certificate. The schools are fairly close, as far as I know, but he dropped this bomb on me we won't be able to live together, after all. Being the idiot that he is sometimes, he assumed it would be peachy for me to live with him in the dorms at HIS school. As far as I know, I don't even think that's allowed. Anyway, he's apparently had all this shit planned out, but suddenly fails to tell me this important detail. Apparently his only choice is to live with his aunt. Yeah, screw his best friend, his girlfriend. He just wants his own ass covered. Despite being a lazy fuck, apparently I can't be trusted to save money. Hmm, yeah. Great way to talk to the girlfriend who's buying you groceries this month, and probably helping with your rent to boot. I like having to pay rent, but I don't like not having a job, either. But when push comes to shove, I can be damn careful with my money. As a 1516-year-old, I had many an occasion where I'd be trying to buy a slushie or something at the convienience store just down the road from the high school, only to see the debit machine read insufficient funds. To be honest, that was embarassing. Plus, I hated mooching off my friends all the time. What I'm really beginning to notice about Adam is this little complex he has with spending money - because his parents were and still are completely broke-ass, he assumes he needs to save every penny. Never buy a nice thing for yourself. Nope, that's not allowed. I love spoiling him and bringing him home small presents, but I really wish he could reciprocate sometime. He's not that broke. He easily could have taken the initiative a while back and gotten another job. I'm one to talk, but whatever. I just wish he'd learn that I'm devoted to him. Enough that I want to stick by him, especially during such a big change for both of us. If we're going to stay together for however long, we need to learn to trust each other. Unfortunately, it's more a matter of him having to trust me more, rather than having everything in his own hands so he can't just throw the blame at someone else when something goes wrong. But what he's doing isn't healthy either - his self-esteem is already in the toilet, and he cares far too much about what people think about him. So do I, but I don't spend 10 minutes making an introduction post on a forum roll Part of me says I should be mature enough to handle the change, but the fighter in me wants him to fucking realize he needs to learn to rely on someone other than himself. Hell, if he could only see things through my eyes... he'd realize that he's really not the greatest person to count on Don't even get me started about how fucking one-sided Valentine's was. What with being the one with all the money, I got the shaft. He could have made up for it with romance and some bedroom magic, but no. So for our one-year mark in April, he gets to call all the shots. If I have to so much as raise a finger, I'm going to be a very unhappy panda. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to go convict this annoying motherfucker in Phoenix Wright.