Thread: V

So, okay, I'll be trying that A journal, or something. I'm not saying I'll be consistent. I can't be something like that lately. I've tried a blog for like 2 entries, because I was told to make one, haha - really not my kind. Where to start? I don't know. I'm a living duality. All my life, as a child and teenager, I was someone very stable and consistent. Then I.. discovered the gray part of black and white, by going from white to black, and back to white. I can't say anymore. Sometimes it makes me feel wonderfully free to say things such as I can't be defined. I act according to what happens, my mood, and so many factors influence, that I can't be judged according to the outcome or even my reactions. It's okay, people still judge and I need to get used to it without feeling confined by the fact that they make an opinion quickly. I've kinda discovered my 'dark' side, and it's been very scary. Never before was I aware of all the things I could do, and how some of them could be very mean. It doesn't mean I did them, but it shocked me that I could . And because I could do more than the usual range of things I usually did, I became unpredictable. I could do more. It changed my routine, really. Talk to strangers, make friends, dare do something although I'm still a very shy person. It came very gradually though. But slowly I stopped being able to do the perfect and calculated actions I used to do. I started losing my composure, my logic in a way. I discovered trust and what it was to be hurt. Deeply. When you want to die, not because you feel like you don't matter to anyone, but on the opposite, because those who should care don't seem to really do. Because they too, have a dark and sometimes violent side. For many years I've felt disillusioned. Like everything was a lie, and I didn't know why. All the time, what was there all along, filled with a deep meaning and a lot of time passed together, would be destroyed by just one sentenced said with resolve. Like everything could be like that, and could turn from one truth to its complete opposite. It was so scary. I felt like people would make me part of a theater play, without me knowing it. Then I saw The Truman Show, and it kinda felt the same to me. Of course, there are many things that bugged me. Like why would people waste their time to do that? Why would I be so important that people would do that to me? I was no one, it didn't make sense. At first, having people to talk to was very nice. It started with seldom talks at school, then online friends, and years later, real friends. I liked that people had interest in me, I never thought that was possible in such a genuine way. I was like that, but I always felt so different from the rest of the world that for a long while, I did not try to connect with others. I find it very hard to deal with people because they can be so different and similar at once. You never know when something will be a universe away from the other's view of that thing. But at first, I did not expect anything and was rather glad that I could get along. That I meant something to others, that I could be kind to them and they would thank me and be happy they know me and are my friend. The drama came without me. I swear I did not bring it, but there's one thing I've always been blamed for I never turned down someone properly enough for them. And for them, it meant that I had to ignore them and be mean or something. Staying friends and telling them I'm not interested was not enough. Somehow, no matter how... special I was, I was also very attractive for some reason. And somehow, 90 or more of my friends were also interested in me in a loving way. Even girls. I will let you imagine the drama, the pressure, the hating me for no reason other than to try to forget about me stuff... When I got sick of it, I left that group of friends. It was all I knew of friendship from high school to college, unfortunately I did live in a small city where it was easy to know everyone. I knew everyone at some point, but I didn't know anyone else . Only a few came to me to stay friends afterwards, and from those, only one or two were truthful. I was ready for a social life but the young adults I met were not. Most of my friends live away.. 2 in Japan, a few in the US, I have a dear cousin 6 hours of driving away, which I see 2 or 3 times a year when I'm lucky. From that time I've made friends, it took most of them 2 years to become not so friendly. So of all the friends I made, not a lot of them lasted more than that. From then, the meaning of friend has changed a lot, but I think I know what it would be now for me. And it would not be a word I could use easily in a day to day conversation. I've known what it was to have real friends, but not anymore. I moved and made friends in Montreal, the big nearby city. Meh. I realized everyone have 1- already too many friends 2- not the refinement I have towards wanting to have true friends 3- childhood best friends that are more valuable than the other people they know. I miss caring for someone that cares for me too. I miss having someone to tell my troubles, my ranting, someone who would go out and watch a movie with me. But most of all, I HATE to have been the black sheep that everybody rejected. Why did they have to make me feel so important and part of it if it wasn't true? They shouldn't have made the effort to convince me that I deserved having friends and that they cared. Then, I could've gone my way easily, without thinking about how odd it is that this pattern has happened too many times, without me even noticing before a long while. I've often tried to know what people thought deeply, and I found it funny how many persons used various words to say they, also, felt different and misunderstood. Somehow it seems I'm just going past the usual definition of being weird, crazy and special. My father often told me that he felt like Spock yes my father is a geek , like he was functioning differently than other humans. He also has tested the other's opinions to see if he could share some things, or keep them for himself. The most hurtful thing is that I was stupid enough to share so much of myself and believe that I was accepted, that refraining myself from doing so is painful. I should start brainwashing myself again like I used to, to stop hoping for crazy things like I could share stuff or mean something special to others, other than love. That some would do anything to keep their friendship with me, because I'm worth it. I've done it for others and I've been patient, I gave time, I gave all my heart, but they went away. I've been loyal to my friends, I've told them they could call me anytime, that they could count on me. How silly was it that none did? That my 'friend' did not even tell me she was not with her boyfriend anymore? That she cried all by herself instead of calling me and asking to go out, or talk, or just hug her? At least 3 very good girl friends I've known have done that to me, even one I've stayed friends with for more than 7 years, and we would talk almost every day! I'm not saying that being by themselves was not the good thing to do, maybe it was, but at some point I would've thought.. that they would want to share and talk to someone. For most of them, I think they did, but not with me because I wasn't close enough, somehow . I too have tested to see how different I was. I too have felt like an alien. I too have thought about leaving the world to itself. I'm feeling sick of trying to connect with people, because most don't give me what I want something genuine and honest. If you're a good person, fine. If you've got too many friends to talk to me, fine. But just.. don't ask me to be friends with you on Facebook because you want 1000 friends on your account although you'll never reply to my status. Don't ask me if I'm going at that thing too, because you would never do something with me otherwise. It seems like people are so used to using each other that they don't even realize when they're doing it anymore. I'm not saying everyone's like that, but gosh! Quality people, anyone? Can they exist anywhere else than on fucking internet? It makes me feel even lonelier to see that they exist but live too far and are not lonely anyway. I'm being desperate because I know when I go back to my own world, people won't be able to reach me. I can make so many interesting stuff by myself. But I'm afraid when I do that, I'll cross the border. I won't have interest in the outer world anymore. It lacks so many things, and I doubt people will ever again try to get me out of my mind. I can make it ideal in here. I won't need anything. I'm not the kind of fool who tries the same thing twice. When my experience has been concluded, I'll go on with what I've been given.