Thread: ugh

RE Lights in the North Nova's drabble Guilt highly self-indulgent and recommended to no-one x ---------- Jane is sick when her grandmother dies in January, but she doesnt want to admit it yet. In February she will find out exactly how sick from a blood test, but at the time she blames her depression. Her father calls to tell her that her grandmother has died when she is getting ready for class, but she doesnt cry then because it doesnt feel real. Instead of going to class, she decides to run errands, and she is embarrassed to find the song Runaway by Kanye West has her sobbing so hard she has to pull over on the road. It is then that she begins grieving, and the guilt that will define her for the next few months sets in. Janes fathers mother was in the hospital for three weeks after January fourth, she fell out of bed and broke her hip, and also suffered a massive heart attack. She survived, but her condition was so bad that no surgery could be performed, and instead the family was told that they were waiting for her to die. She is not told this about her grandmother until after she goes to the hospital. Her grandmother is incoherent and unsure of whom Jane is, and the experience frightens her deeply. When Jane was seventeen she had cancer, and she blames her deep seated fears of the hospital on this, rather than admit that seeing one of the strongest women in her life so weak reminds her that her own body is slowly shutting down, and she can not bring herself to go again. Jane cannot admit this to anyone, so she tries to deal with the guilt on her own. Before her parents divorce, her mother would have dealt with packing up her grandmothers house and with the memorial service. But the divorce was not friendly, and now her fathers family who are known for their stoicism must stumble through these highly emotional events unguided. The memorial service is hard for Jane. She agreed to write the eulogy but didnt realize that it would be so difficult to hear it read aloud. She cried hard during the reading, and harder when he father asked her why she was crying. That moment shapes the coming weeks for her. Everyone was sad, but no one was grieving openly, and Jane finds fitting in with her family difficult. Her guilt takes over as they pack up her grandmothers house, and she allows her anxiety to take over and ends up fishing a few documents and photographs out of the garbage, which she keeps in a box in her closet. Jane ends up with quite a few boxes because she feels too guilty to decline many of the items. Months later, she will wonder exactly what she is supposed to do with two boxes filled with glass vases but at the time she will take whatever she can get because she almost feels like holding on to these things will make up for how she went to the hospital only once. She thinks that her fathers family is angry with her for not taking a few of the items, and she will not be able to speak to them again until June. She ends up withdrawing from school after seeing a counselor in April. A combination of many things about her is responsible for this, but Jane places the blame mostly on her guilt. It is amplified by the realization that she has no good excuse nor would she feel right offering one, and by the fact that she is fond of indulging the part of herself responsible for her low self-esteem. By that time, what was causing her illness has been discovered and the physical symptoms are being treated with a change in medication. The significant thing is for the first time in Janes life she is the one motivating herself to get better the push is not coming from her friends and family. Her mental healing is not going as well, and she finds the oddest things are tearing open old wounds. Jane despises her own fragility, and she begins to carefully set up walls to conceal it from the people in her life. Eventually, she will piece this part of herself back together as well, but it will take time.