Thread: O Fortuna...

I'm dying to catch my breath Oh why don't I ever learn? I've lost all my trust, though I've surely tried to turn it around Can you still see the heart of me? All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace Don't tear me down for all I need Make my heart a better place Give me something I can believe Don't tear me down You've opened the door now, don't let it close All I Need - Within Temptation I think that it's about time I really got a shit ton of crap off my chest before I fucking blow up and yell at more people who really REALLY didn't deserve it. Right now I really feel like I'm really a broken doll that was put on a shelf a few years ago and left to rot in her own neglect and lack there of affection. Why? Because the mind I have right now feels like it has been forsaken of any sort of affection. Save from the cats. Cats have always been my constant companion. Still however it's driven me to the point where my body is literally fighting back. Then again I have always had dealt with pain. Always. I am finally able to let Fishy go. I know now for the most part what ever 'love' he had for me was falling into an 'old habit' a comfortable 'routine'. I'm not going to be someone you can just fall back on if all fails. It makes me feel like I'm second best. Wait a second I am second best aren't I? To my friends I might be, because I've never been quite always there. I knew my friend was going to commit suicide before it happened, but instead of actually listening to me and calling me... sighs My current roommate, now that I live out here, is a blessing and curse in disguise. It reminds me how I could get better and be no where near as dependent on someone else, yet at the same instance remind myself so much how I bitterly HATE myself. Why? Because in the same instance I need the patience, love and acceptance of who I am to be utterly happy. Over the years I have been taught that I would never amount to nothing and that any male who would be the least bit interested in me only wanted me for the sex or the money. Heh. So far that legacy has proven to be true. Can't find any guy who would spent the time and the effort to get to know me, and then those that do only are friends. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. And in that same hand I feel like my moodiness now and my ever growing animosity towards myself is making it that much harder for my friends to get close to me anymore. I'm getting that much better at putting up that facade of being happy. It's working quite well too. What they won't know won't kill them and I'm tired of people worrying about me. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself most of the time. Maybe not right now because of my back, but I can do this. I still going to be that crazy cat lady. sighs I should just meditate at this point and push the pain out of me, mental, physical or otherwise. My inner demon is starting to win a game I can't play anymore. I want to be happy, and I'm slowly loosing that feeling or the capacity to remember thus. Sekuria has been helping but I don't know how much it'll take to actually find that niche that is for me. Find that one PERSON that will actually make me incredibly happy. Master or otherwise.