Thread: Sexual Star, Amateur at Love (Javorcek X ClearSight)

Elle had plenty to say but Alex shut her down for a moment, first getting angry that Elle was speaking badly about herself and then being annoyingly sweet and leading her to the couch. Fine... But I will handcuff you if you try and get away... She muttered, though they both knew Alex wasn't going anywhere, she was too kind a person and wouldn't want to risk Elle's health for anything, even if she was angry about the lie she had been told. Fuck, Elle just didn't know what to do. Still, as lost as she felt she wasn't about to give up, she cared for Alex far too much to throw in the towel, and until Alex called things off or made it crystal clear they were through she would argue her side. So she let Alex lead her to the couch and plopped down, sighing in relief as the comfort enveloped her and it became easier to focus on what was currently most important, Alex. She pat the cushion next to her, hoping her lover would take the offer as opposed to sitting away from her in the chair, she wanted to be close to her, to get a perfect facial view to try and determine whether her words were having any effect at all. Alex... I know what you think of me, that I'm a liar, a cheater... Well I can't deny the truth, in the simplest form I am those things, I lied to you about my job and I do porn for a living... But it's truly not that simple. She took a deep breath, leaning back and trying to find the right words to explain it in a way that wouldn't add oil to the fire. I've tried relationships before. I've had girlfriends who all say they are completely fine with my career, who say its hot or act totally okay with it, but they never truly stick around to find out who I am and if they want something serious before bailing. Whether it be them wanting a single night with a porn star to add to their resume or thinking I'm a cheap girl because of it, it always ends. Even those who said they were fine eventually change their mind, telling me to quit or we are through, and usually it's not to the point in a relationship where I can quit my job and think it will last, that I can say 'fine' and know that they won't dump me where I find myself alone and jobless. She paused again, swallowing as she looked at Alex. This time it's different. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You're the person who makes me happy, you're my best friend and the only woman I have feelings for. However when we first met I didn't know that, I didn't know I would fall for you or that you would find this insecure dorky girl charming and stay with me... I never thought I would find anyone that I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with, but I hadn't given up. I wanted something serious, and starting with I'm a porn star just didn't seem reasonable. So I lied, not to deceive but to give myself a damn chance. She scratched her head with her good arm and sighed, none of this was easy for her, it all felt like excuses even if it was all the truth. After that there just never seemed to be a right time. I mean I had no friends to let it slip, my parents are the only family I have and they knew but you have never met them. I don't spend time with people from work and really I fell for my own lie, enjoyed you seeing me as I am here and not for what I did all day... Elle shook her head, making herself slightly dizzy but it brought her back to the point. Honestly, I don't enjoy my job as much as I use to. I've been working in the porn industry since I graduated high school, and I loved it then, it was exhilarating and fun, I met interesting people, but trying to balance a life with it beat me down. And I don't do it because you get sidetracked or caught up, I find that part of you cute... It's because it's all I've known, it's the job I went to and the times I've considered quitting, and trust me ever since I've met you those thoughts has multiplied, I think about what will happen. I think about not having enough money, not being able to get any other job that makes anything at all, hell I think about having to try and hide from it for the rest of my life if I do change careers and do something worthwhile. Will people find out? Will it ruin future jobs? What do I tell you, who I truly want to spend the rest of my life with, why I am not searching for another programming job? I just... I got caught in all of this and after so many years I don't know what to do... I only know I want to keep you in my life Alex, no matter what it takes. Elle was nearly crying, her voice was choking up and she looked over at Alex, barely keeping herself from doing the one thing her lover was truly weak too. Tell me... Is there any chance? Or have I already ruined the only chance I have to be happy? It was slightly manipulative and she knew it, but Elle needed her, she loved Alex, and she would do anything to keep her, which honestly scared her as much as anything else.