Thread: Raivh: Venting (Advice welcome)

So, I really need to just write. And maybe I need some advice, opinions, and support from people who don't know me. There are so many good people on here. I went to the club tonight, and some things resurfaced. My relationship went to shit in November, and truthfully probably long before that. I feel used, abused, betrayed, sad, pissed, and so many other feelings that I can't even begin to express. I hate crying, but there are times when the tears just come. I try to be strong, but I feel so broke, hurt, lost, and like I'll never find love again. It was so hard to the first time. It's hard being a lesbian, especially when you live in Missouri. I don't even know how to express HOW hard it is. I just want to scream. I've got so much to give, or had so much to give. I feel like she stole it from me along with my strength and happiness. But I know I make my own happiness. She was just a part of it. Everything ended officially the first week of February, and things have gotten a little better. I don't think about her as often, but she's still there. She hurt me so bad. Broke me, really. Made me feel like shit, like she deserved an apology. All I said was When you get off work can you give me a call? That was enough to set her off. She called me while at work, thinking that I'd asked her to call me because something was wrong. Truthfully, something was wrong. I'd been thinking about breaking up with her like I had many times before. So much was wrong with the relationship. I hated how her mother was overbearing, and how her family used me. I tolerated it because I loved her, thought I loved her, but now I'm not sure. If it hurts, that means I loved her? But why? I questioned saying it so many times during our relationship. I even noticed one of the BIGGEST red flags ever, but ignored it in the beginning. The first time she said I love you was after sex. AFTER SEX! And actually, she didn't even say it. She just hinted, saying, I want to say something, but I'm nervous, and after a moment's hesitation, I responded, How many words? Three You love me? She nodded and said yes. My mind was immediately shut down at the time. I knew I shouldn't have believed her, but I let myself, which means my mind betrayed my heart and gut instinct. I should have fled right then. Maybe I would have saved myself this wrenching heartache. For weeks, I practically starved myself. I lost SO much weight it was unhealthy. God...she fucking told me that she was happy after breaking up with me. And she did it through a text. Then she called me freaking out, crying, wanting an apology because I'd said something the wrong way. If I'd only said it differently, she swore, things would have been different. She'd have understood if I'd just had said I need to get my things until things settle down between us. I guess I'm wondering if that was true, but she broke my trust just as much as I broke hers. Wounded my heart, too. Even now I can't stop crying and hurting. It's been a fucking month. And I know I deserve so much more. I'm not seeking perfection in my special someone. I just want to communicate, love, and be loved. I want someone to hold me too, and care for me. To kiss me, and tell me it's alright when I cry, and know that when I fight it's not always for nothing. I'm not a fighter. I don't have the heart. But I did fight with her. She wouldn't let me be myself, and didn't like my friends. She wouldn't be around my family, and when I went out, constantly kept tabs on me. And if I didn't respond, she flipped out. She made me believe I was depressive. I actually went and say my doctor, who put me on medication. Nothing changed. Nothing got better for me, or my failed relationship. You're not worth the memory still resonates with me some days. And it fucking hurts. She aimed low and cut deep. So deep. So terribly, horribly deep. And I can't even contact her. When I went to get my stuff, she was hiding in her room. I didn't see her. And what the fuck is closure? She's fucking coward. I understand why all eight of her past relationships failed, and why every single one of her exes cheated on her. I thought of cheating, too, but I'm too good of a person. I was too concerned about her heart when I should have been concerned about my own. I wish I would have been the one to end it. I shouldn't have kept dragging it out, and she shouldn't have either. Thing is, I can't stop remembering what I felt were the good times. And they were good times. When we weren't fighting. She always told me I picked small fights. Small to her. Large in scale to me. So selfish. She was so selfish. Narcissistic BITCH! She told me I was controlling, but I'm not the one who discouraged her to go out with her friends, or texted her all the time when she was out. Not until she started talking to one of her close female friends, who had gone through a breakup because her ex had cheated on her. BY THE WAY! This excessive conversation was almost six months later, and about 7-8 months into my past relationship. I had every right to feel threatened, since she hadn't been expressing herself like she did in the beginning. She didn't want sex. Didn't want to be close, cuddle, or kiss. The most I got was an occasional peck on the lips, and it hurt more than not getting kissed at all. I fucking hated getting those quick, heartless kisses. In a desperate attempt to mend my relationship, feeling as though I'd fallen short and needed to change because I was a terrible person, I tried to communicate with her. We barely saw each other because she was afraid of being together. In three months, I literally saw my then girlfriend MAYBE 8 times. MAYBE. And every time, never fail, her little brother was hanging out with us. LIKE HE ALWAYS DID. She never understood I wanted to be with her, just her. In the last few weeks closing in the final breakup, we talked a total of 3 times. For the duration of our phone conversations she was watching television, playing video games, or talking to her controlling mother or younger brother. Her focus was never on me. Not even for a fraction of a second. It hurt. It made me mad. And when I'd say, You don't really want to talk, do you? she'd reply with, Yes I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't have let you call me. No. You wouldn't have. But you also would have picked up the phone of your own volition and called me. Why? Because you loved me, which you obviously didn't. FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T CARE. YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME. What's worse? I can't STAND to see or hear the name Michelle. It's such a bad taste in my mouth. You're so immature, not me. I have my faults and flaws, but I ALWAYS apologized for them when I KNEW it was something I'd done wrong. But not in the end. FUCK NO. It wasn't my fault. YOU'RE the one who failed. Not me. I gave 110 to try and make things better. You didn't give ANYTHING. So WHY in the HELL do I still have feelings for you? Deep down, I know you weren't good for me. I don't think you ever were. You and your talk of your exes. Yeah, tell me about your past relationships. BUT YOU DWELLED ON THEM. Oh, poor me! I was cheated on! GET OVER IT. YOU HAD ME. I NEVER, EVER, EVEN WHEN YOU WERE SO HORRIBLE, EVER, DID ANYTHING AS HORRIBLE AS CHEATING. You cut me out of your life, proved you're a heartless bitch who relies FAR too much on mommy. YOU'RE 25, almost 26! I'm 20, almost 21, and I don't have my mother down my throat every fifteen minutes, blowing up my phone, asking if my girlfriend EX can run somewhere for me. Or be mother's HUSBAND, because her marriage failed, she wants her husband dead, yet she still lives with him and fights with him CONSTANTLY. Your house was poison. You were poison. The only good in your family was your so-called rebellious sister, who, by the way, was sad to see me go! Oh yeah, she knew you fucked up. You and your superiority complex, telling me that working a full-time job with a few hours overtime was MUCH more difficult than going to school full-time and working part-time proved how much you'd been talking to me there, since I didn't have a PT job at the time. Thanks for blocking me on facebook! You saved me a useless apology, and certainly one you didn't deserve. I can't believe you actually made me believe you deserved anything I gave you. You had my heart. I thought I had yours. But you couldn't ever tell me WHY you loved me, but I was able to do that for you. Ever think that maybe I needed to be protected, the little spoon for once, JUST ONCE?! GOOOOOOOOOOOD! YOU'VE MADE ME HATE YOU! HATE! I told my sister I didn't think I resent you. I do. But I can't let it ruin me. I don't want these feelings for you. They mean NOTHING. And you should mean nothing to me, too. You had no problem cutting me out of your life, and I'm sure you've changed your number by now. But how would I know? I haven't tried to contact you once since you sent me that text You can get your stuff tonight. I'm done. COWARD. You won't be happy in a relationship until you grow the fuck up and realize that you wanted to be the center of attention. Not me. I have confidence. It's a little shaky right now, but it won't be forever. I am talking to other girls right now. Same place I met you. Doesn't mean I necessarily plan to jump right back into a relationship, but I am seeing who's out there. And I saw you. There's no way in hell that you're ready to move on. Know why? Because you couldn't keep contact with someone who treated you so well, with so much love, but you've been able to keep in contact with most of your cheating exes. You can't deal with conflict. You just run and hide. That's why you played video games, wouldn't see me, talk to me. And if the VP of Operations fires you, you deserve it. You didn't share any of your stresses or burdens with me ever, even after I apologized for my short falling regarding the topic. You weren't good for me. Never were. Never will be. I don't want you, even if I did at one time. You're manipulative. A snake with a venomous bite. I hope to God you really weren't my first love. Because if you were, I really do hate you for what you've done to me. And frankly, I could have snagged a much better looking girl than you. I'd been talking to several and am talking to several now. But you stood out. Like a sore thumb, apparently, and now to my aching heart. So do me a favor, will you? Keep the fuck out of my life like you cut me out of it. If you see me at the club after my 21st, since there is only one gay club in KCMO, just stay the hell away from me. I'll never have anything but Fuck off to say to you. Can't believe it. Just can't. How the hell did you get me in the first place? I don't understand it now... I just want to find a good girl. One who I find attractive on all levels. One who will be as committed to me as I'll be to her. Seems like a hell of a lot to ask after what's happened. But time heals all wounds. So maybe time can give me what I need and want. Not perfection. But not destruction. My God, that's long! But I needed to get it off my chest. I hated the images that came flooding back of dancing and kissing at that club. I just wanted to have a nice night out with my friends...