Thread: Want feed back on my Novel

the begining of this story was used in an open rp. i just wanted to see which direction it would take. but this is the original. ALWAYS BEGIN A TALE WITH FEAR The streets deserted but for a dark figure creeps slowly between the buildings. His black boots hardly touch the ground with each step as he glides along the pavement. The black old-fashioned leather pants and leather trench coat make him almost invisible in the night. He slips in and out of shadows toward the middle of town where some kind of festival was taking place. The soft wind blows across his face and he inhales the scent of humans like an aphrodisiac to him the bloodlust attempts to consume his mind. He shakes his head fighting the urges. His long black hair hanging loose falls into his face as he reaches the crowd it hides the ice blue of his eyes from the bright of the lights. Making his way through the crowd, He searches for that one scent stronger than the others do. He passes teenagers, adults laughing and scolding their children, looking intensely into each face and reading each feature. He stops short as he sees another lone figure much like him in the crowd. The woman before him dressed like his opposite, wearing a white tee shirt and blue jeans, she looks up and looks him directly in the eyes. They stand there staring at each other as the world continues around them. Slowly He walks up to her and bends down to kiss her neck. As his lips touch her neck a jolt of electricity burns through her veins and he lifts his head flashing sharp fangs, he hesitates whispering I'm sorry and slowly walks away into the darkness. Her heart begins to slow as fire burns through her veins. Gasping, she falls to her knees. The pain was excruciating as her body started to die, her organs shutting down, and she tries to scream for help to the people who seemed oblivious to her. The world swims and her vision goes black. The only one watching was a lone figure in the dark, experiencing the pain with her. The vampire watches as his soul mate dies, soon she will be like him. He hated that he had to turn her this way, without warning or without her even knowing whom he was, but he was an Assimite, which made his clan assassins. He could not let her know him just yet, but he could not let the woman grow old as a human and die without him ever knowing her, this way at lest he can find her again one day. He turns to leave and a single tear tinted with his vampire blood rolls down his cheek. A moment in time can change everything. One little event can cause a mass amount of destruction or even cause everything to fall perfectly into place. It has been two hundred years since she died, she has learned how to survive, and she was determined, but the search continues. She has been searching for so long her mind grows weary, but her body stays healthy and young 25 forever. Currently she was in New Orleans, Louisiana. It is a bigger city than she usually went through. At first glance, there looked like there was a lot to do in way of entertainment around here. She can feel him here. She can feel some great force in this city. It calls to her she could not explain. Like gut intuition that she just cannot seem to ignore. It is about midnight and here she was once again wondering the streets, alone in the dark. Ethel stops in the middle of the French Quarter, and stare up at the sky she cannot see the stars in this part of town, with the traffic lights and automobiles. Ethel drags in a sharp breath trying not to let it get to her. However, the tears come and she cannot control them. Silently she stands in front of a coffee shop and cry. She could hear voices around me, laughing, arguing starting to terrorize my mind until she wanted to scream. It was so much easier before when she did not have to care. And suddenly out of the sea of voices, she hears this soft deep voice. It drags at her and instantly she knows it is he. The mysterious stranger, who gave Ethel, her vampirism, was in the crowd before her. Ethel slowly turns and searches the people enjoying the night until she hears it again. I slowly stalk into the crowd. A collective gasp shudders through the people as she makes her way slowly through it. Who is that? I've never seen her around here before... Why is she dressed like that? She could hear their voices, though she did not pay attention to what they were saying. Then there he was. Right in front of her. Ethel heard his sharp intake of breath as she balled her hand into a fist and punched him right in the nose. HOW COULD YOU! she screamed. She knew there were tears in her eyes she knew she didnt need to hit him again but the sweet sickening crunch as his nose broke was so satisfying Ethel hit him again and again and again until she felt arms surround her waist and yank her off the still body beneath her. Ethel shrugged off the arms of an unknown unimportant man, ignored all the screams, and stared down at the man that took everything she had left away from her. Ethel watched as his ice blue eyes widen, as he looked up at her the pain clouding the beauty of his face. She spit on him. And turned and walked away. She heard a growled wait and she stopped. She already regretted her actions. Ethel knew she should be asking him questions not punching his face in. she stared him down looking into the eyes of her devil and crooked her finger for him to follow her. She watched as he struggled to get up off the floor a few others his friends she supposed helped him to his feet Ethel watched as he turned to a man beside him, who to her shock looked exactly like him, his twin. It's alright Dorian, wait here. Ethel waited as he pushed his nose back into place, and visibly put himself back together and walked towards her. Please let me explain? This beautiful man stood before her, broad shoulders like those that she remembered. He had the same black hair hanging in his face and the same ice blue eyes that captivated her the first time, the same trench coat. Despite her anger, she could feel the extreme sexual pull toward this man she felt the first time they'd had met. It was her turn to growl this time. Explain now. Not out here on the street. There are too many humans, to many curious witnesses. Come with us back to our hotel and I will explain. He whispers almost pleading which looked odd on this overbearing man. His intimidating manor should have warned the humans away but he had a certain beauty about him that seemed to draw them in. My brother and my family, He gestures to the people behind him watching them curiously. They won't let us be alone after you attacked me, they will want to make sure your not here to murder me. He explains. How do you know I'm not here to murder you? Ethel asks simply. He sighs, After I explain, then you can decide to murder me or not but please let me explain. Wordlessly she follows him towards his family, on guard in case they attack me. I am Draven Mordant, by the way. Ethel. She muttered back. The silent drive through town to their hotel took maybe twenty minutes. She was nervous with Draven and the two male vampires introduced as Dorian, Draven's twin, and their brother Gabriel and their sister Gillian Mordant staring at her almost trying to dissect her with their eyes. The tension was so thick it was starting to give her a headache. Can vampires get headaches? She wondered, well either was she had one. Instead of contemplating on it, she studied the vampires in the car with her. Now that she watched them, she noticed subtle differences between Draven and Dorian. Where he seemed to be hard, his face slightly scared, as if he has been in many battles. He was void of any emotion on his face or in his body language where Dorian was full of life his face showed almost his every emotion. Dorian's face was soft as if he never had to fight before in his life. Other than those differences, they were identical. Gabriel looked like a much older version still young and handsome. His hair was a light brown bit his shoulders were broad like his brothers and he had a bulk of muscles as if he hit the gym regularly. In addition, Gillian was the definition of beauty. Her hair a mix between the twins black and Gabriel's brown was long and curled around a face pale and chiseled with perfection. Ethel might have worried if she could not see the passion and kindness in Gillian's eyes. Her figure was model thin but still had that athletic sexy stock to her bones. She could feel them staring at her, she mentally pulled herself together and got out of their SUV when they parked. They walked inside and up to the third floor she waited patiently as Draven unlocked the door and held it for her. Ethel walked inside and immediately turns to watch them. Explain, now. she repeated. Yes, Brother please explains, Gillian asks Draven. EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES AND OTHER TOOLS OF THE INCOMPETENT Well, Ethel's my soul mate. Draven states matter of factly, into the silent room. Ethel snorts, Soul mate? You dont expect me to really believe that. Even as the words were leaving her mouth, she knew that was a lie. She could feel the overpowering connection between this man and her, no this vampire before me. She stood staring into his eyes she felt like crying and had no clue why. She never really believed in god, fate, or love at first sight. However, this man made her want to believe. To believe maybe they could be soul mates but oh, she mentally shakes her head. Stop the nonsense she tells herself. Stop this and just tell me the truth. she demands. Draven took in a dramatic unnecessary breath. I am telling the truth, a vampire can change only one person successfully. If a vampire attempts to change someone who is not his soul mate that person is most likely to die, or go mentally insane. And as you stand before us, you clearly are neither. I was working as an assassin for my clan at the time we met. That night at the festival, I remember. I hated watching you hurt. Expesically knowing I was the sole cause of it. I couldnt bare it but I couldnt let my presence be known. He takes a step towards her catching her hands in his. If I had then the people I worked for would have found us both and killed us. I truly am sorry for changing you the way I did, but if I hadnt you would have been lost to me, lost to old age or some other tragedy at the time. I know it must seem like a lot to take in I know. But please you have to understand I did it so I wouldnt lose you, not so I could hurt you. His speech over, she stared up into his eyes and then around the room at his family watching them both with interest, mixed with wariness and joy. They were happy their brother found his soul mate. And they were worried she would not accept the role. II really dont know what to say she pulls her hands free wrapping my arms around herself. This terrified me, she couldn't be that special person to a man she barely knew. She just could not do it. I'm sorry I have to go. she all but runs from the room and out the door. Ethel wait! Draven calls taking a step to follow her only to have his arm caught. Brother let her go. She's overwhelmed. Let her think. Gillian smiles sweetly up at him. She will come around you'll see. She said but her face clearly said she didnt believe that. Damn it all to hell he growls. Gabriel nods come brother think you changes her against her will. How would you react? Draven shakes them off. You dont fucking get it, none of you have a soul mate. I won't give up she will be mine. He stalks out into the night after her. The streets were mostly dark and empty. Only a few cars here and there on the road. His long strides eating up the sidewalks as he follows the enticing sent Ethel left behind. If only, there was some way to convince her to stay, to get to know him, to fall in love with him. Damn women he grunts catching sight of her in front of him. He puts on a burst of super human speed and grabs her arm. Instantly as their flesh meets a slew of images assault their minds. Screams from erupt from the house before Draven as he gets out of his car after a night with the people. Panic running through his veins he runs in the house. Dorian! he yells searching for his brother. In the closet. He killed momma, I hurt him. Came the reply as his brother used their telepathic connection. There was bodies everywhere, their mother laid sprawled out on the carpet soaked with blood and other things. Tears streamed down the teenage draven's face as he skirted around his mother, his father was beside her. Sick agony fill screams coming from his mouth as the blood gushed from a wound in the side of his head. Finally, he made it to the closet and got Dorian out. Let's get out of here The scene changes abruptly to an earlier memory. What the hell did I tell you Darlene? An enraged Bo yells at the cowering woman. Bruises already forming on her face as she favors her side. Two little boys sit in the corner silently crying eyes the size of saucers as their father continues to beat their mother. The scene changes once again. To a much more recent memory this time. Draven crept through the darkness making not even one slight noise as he creeps in the dark house through a window. His target was in the third bedroom on the right side of the house. He makes his way into the room and silently pulling the reaper a staff sword, a 16 in blade with a 30 in handle, made of stainless steel, with his signature D on the handle. out of it sheath on his back and spinning it expertly till the blade is pointed down he whispers, And with death you shall perish. The phrase he quoted to all his targets. He slices the blade down. Upon the man who murdered his whole family in a massacre that still haunted his dreams. It was then he noticed there was nothing but pillow in this bed. Frantically he searches the whole house only to find it empty. As he passes the kitchen, he sees a sheet of paper with his name on it. He opens it to see the message. 'I know who you are.' Shit he curses. And stalks out of the house. The streets are deserted as he slides the reaper back into it sheath. Up ahead he could see the lights of a festival. He yanks his hand back ending the images. I'm sorry I didnt know that would happen. He mummers visibly shaken at having relived some of his worst memories. The festival? she whispers eyes wide staring up at him almost in awe. The festival, after finding your target missing, you walked into that festival to find me. II think I understand now. Her shoulders hunch as if all her energy was drained. I can't say I'll be good at it but I will attempt to get to know you Draven. One simple sentence and she turns away to leave. It was all that she was willing to give now. Well where are you going?He demands the horror in his mind still fresh. He stood before every bit the assassin. Sighing, she shakes her head and disappears into the darkness. See youaround. her soft voice whispers back to him, enticingly. Making him yearn for her, his body instantly reacting to her. Hard and very horny he turn and makes his way back a cocky grin on his face but his eyes remain hard. For the first time in, awhile he felt like maybe everything would be all right. VAMPIRES AND LAWYERS ARE THE ONLY BLOOD SUCKERS I KNOW Ethel gasps, the first breath of life filling her lungs as she feels the lethargy fall away when the sun finally sets completely. Moving her stiff limbs she opens the basement door and walks into the rest of the house she was renting. Stretching she yawns and walks into her kitchen her pale limber body naked in all its glory. Contrary to belief, while vampires' bodies do technically die at sunrise, their minds still function, so their mind sleeps where the rest of their body is dead. Ethel walks to the fridge and grabs a bag of blood from the fridge. She cuts a slit in the corner of the pouch, pours it into a glass, and sticks it in the microwave. She would have to look into getting herself a poupe de sang. It is French for blood doll. A poupe de sang she learned from the French vampires she befriended was a human pet, they kept around there person to supply them with the much needed blood. However, until she could find one she would be suffering with bagged blood. She pulled the glass out of the microwave and downed half of it feeling it rejuvenate her body. Clicking on the TV, she sighs as a blonde newscaster pops up on the screen. As of 6 o' clock this morning the bill to make vampires legal citizens was approved. Vampires are no longer kill on sight. Ethel turned away smiling.Legal citizens really? She said out loud to herself carrying her half full glass to her bedroom and setting it on the dresser, flung open her wardrobe to take a look inside. Pondering what to wear her cell phone rang. Ethel. She answers. Did you see the news? Draven's deep voice came through the phone. An excited tingle spread through her body at his voice. Hi, yes I did see. It's exciting isnt it? Shall we celebrate? I asked excitedly, hoping he would say yes so I got to see him tonight. Of course. He promptly answered I could hear the smile in his voice. We talked for a few more minutes then agreed to meet at The Haven, which she was told was the local vampire bar. She finishes off her blood, and stares into her closet. She shifts through the clothes and finally chooses a blood red corset dress that changes to black when she moves. She slides it on and smiles sliding her feet into black six-inch heeled boots. Running her fingers into her hair, she jumps into her black little 2006 cobalt. It wasnt really a cool car like some of the other vamps liked but she loved it. After speeding her way through traffic, she follows the directions Draven gave her. A million people seemed to be milling about. What was it about this city? She wondered. Did humans ever sleep? She weaves her was through the people waiting in line outside the club. Before she even reached the door, she could hear the music inside thumbing. She stopped and flashed a smile at the bouncer beside the door. She could tell he was a vampire and from the smell of him only about 150 years old. Younger than her. He smiles and flashes his fangs. Lovely evening right? he mummers letting me in side to the groans of the people waiting in line. She walks inside and smiles, this was more like it. Checking her watch noting she was early, she makes her way to the dance floor. With tool playing through the speakers, she dances by herself in the middle of the crowded dance floor. She glances up at some point and sees Draven watching her, smiling and singing to herself she makes her way through the crowd to his side. Well hello gorgeous. She purrs smiling up at him. At some point in the past few days, she would become comfortable with him. She didnt know how it happened or when but she knew she wanted this man. Wanted him to be hers and only hers, and she would do anything she had to, to make sure it happened that way. Hello, mon chri, He whispers into her ear. Even with the loud music she could hear the seduction in his voice. It made her body shiver. I had a good idea to celebrate her but let's go somewhere, He runs his hand lightly down her back and pulls her close. More private. Nodding her head, she smiles suddenly shy and turns. Your car or mine? she asks as they head to the door dodgeing bodies left and right. Yours I walked. He answers her. They make their way to the parking lot to her cobalt. Before she can reach for the door he grabs her and whirls her around. Shocked she gasps out whoa- before his lips are melded with hers. Instant heat pours through her body making her gasp. Her lips part and he slide his tongue into her mouth coaxing her into the kiss. She melts against him pulling him closer all but wrapping her body around him there in the parking lot. Deeping the kiss she moans. Suddenly a peal of bells cuts through the quiet. Breaking off the kiss moaning Draven fumbles in his pocket pulling out his cell phone. Yeah. He barks into his phone. There's been a murder. Detective Louviere states sounding tired. Jackson Louviere was the only cop who knew that Draven use to be an assassin. Draven sighs. Dammit to hell. Jack chuckles. Fitting considering what you are. Shut up Jack. Draven grumbles. Is it bad? Whatever you're thinking, its way worse. Sighing, Draven gets the address and information hangs up and turns to Ethel. I'm sorry I need you to drop me off at a crime scene. He says opening her door for her. Ethel gets in the car confused, starting it up, and watches as Draven crosses in front of the car to get in the passenger side. Crime scene? What do you mean? she asks as soon as he shuts the door. I work with the cops, kinda an expert for the paranormal kind of crimes. Oh. Was all Ethel could say. OH! Ethel exclaims remembering something. I know it has nothing to do with anything we were talking about but I just remembered something. Draven chuckles softly What's that dear? Ethel puts the address he gave her into her new GPS. Putting the car in reverse, she pulls out and follows the directions. Since I plan on staying in New Orleans, I need to find a poupe de sang. All these years because of my travels, I have just feed either from a blood bank or on whoever was willing. Therefore, I need to find one since we can't really share one. We'd drain them dry. She looks over to see him nod. I will help you or you can pick one from any of my people. However, if you pick a male, it is custom in my coven you reward there services with sex. So make sure you keep that in mind when you chose. Ethel nods, I've met some covens and clans with the same concept. The vampires in France, where I learned French had the same rules, I stayed with them for a while before I continued on my travels. Finding the crime scene wasnt that hard once the turned onto the street. Police cars, fire trucks , and ambulances were converged at a house at the end of the street. People were standing behind the yellow caution tape, and milling about talking to the media. Someone once told her that there was always much more people at a crime scene that they really needed, they were right. She slowed down and had to park a ways from the house. Come on, Ethel, you can come with me, so you dont get hounded but press or bystanders.