Thread: O Fortuna...

She sits in her corner Singing herself to sleep Wrapped in all of the promises That no one seems to keep She no longer cries to herself, No tears left to wash away Just diaries of empty pages, Feelings gone astray But she will sing.... Everything Burns - Anastacia This journal will not only go through some whims of present tidbits - but a great deal of past ones as well. Comment as you see fit. I don't mind. Each new 'journal' will contain a 'theme' of sorts - lyrics tend to hold the answer to all of life's little stumbles and falls don't they? Anyway - back to the topic at hand. Since I've joined BM, my mood has gone from 'extremely bad and horrendous' to Giddy and happy. I have a lot of you at the BMC to thank for that. Maybe it was the simple attention in various welcomes that I got when I arrived, or maybe this was the 'outlet' I needed to make things in my head 'work' again. Either way this is a big thanks to all of you. Right now I wanted to put a real general info that will get explained further on when I finally put everything out. Some of you might have picked this up in the chat too. I'm twenty-one, residing in an undisclosed location in NC. I'm short - an inch shy actually of what is considered to be a dwarf I 5'. I have a Buddha belly as I like to say - and while rubbing it doesn't bring good fortune, I am not ashamed of it. Well at least not in the same sense. I tend to drop my guard down online and let people through a majority of the walls I put up in person. While I'm shy and typically one to keep to myself, on the net you'll see a lot of my 'true' colors making themselves apparent. Some of you MyNameisNothing, Amaurofebris, and Hahvy to name a few, have seen a little bit of a darker side I tend to keep under wraps. Admittedly, I am a switch - however how that comes into play is a bit...interesting. I like having the control outside the bedroom - it's just how I am. I hate when people, particularly grown men who should know better, act like children out in public. It is a pet peeve of mine. Thus perhaps my desire for my boys to behave. Behaving leads to all sorts of good things. I hate it when Dom's don't actually take care of the people they have as 'theirs' - collared or not. And what irritates me more is if a Dom tries to tell me to do something just because of their nature in public. My friends have found out the hard way that I can get violent really quick if provoked enough. I have slapped my friend hard enough across the face to have him hit my passenger window and shut up instantly - and I won't hesitate to act out in public if it irritates me too much. Word to the wise? Don't use me as a shoulder rest just because of my height. I'm not going to be an item of furniture just because of it - kthx. Most of the time, however, I'm rather gentle. I don't like fighting, verbal or otherwise. I have an inner demon in my head that likes to wake up whenever such a situation happens and tends to belittle me to the point of defeat. My self-esteem is near nil - possibly induced by family and social networking in school. I would much rather help someone than hurt them to begin with. What else...what else...oh! I have a serious problem being unable to let go of tension. I bottle it all up until it tends to explode - typically either in a destructive pattern where I hurt other people and the level of restrain I have on my temper is near nil, or it can go in the direction of a mental breakdown that makes me a debilitating person of bad thoughts where my inner demon becomes constantly present. I'll talk about my Inner Demon more when it actually affects me. Which sometimes the most guarded criticism of me can set it into a reel of motion. Once upon a time my tension was never this bad. I took it out on my car. But when my car died - the means to take out my temperament died with it. I didn't always have a temper. I finally snapped a few years ago the night my stepfather kicked me out of the house. I haven't been able to hear anything completely since that night in my left ear since then. My managers at work and some of my coworkers have exploited this fact and love to sneak up behind me and scare me. It gets irritating. Just like today at work my manager essentially called me fat. Not out in the open but she essentially said it in a way to make me think that way. That is another reason I'm leaving that hellhole. They don't treat me right nor do they treat anyone else that well unless they are favorites or something. It gets old really quick. 3 years and back on min. wage? I think not. Ah well. That's enough of an overview. Hopefully I didn't drive you away with my tendencies to um..vent?