Thread: Sexual Star, Amateur at Love (Javorcek X ClearSight)

Elle smiled when Alex called her a dork, because it was true and something Alex had learned about her that couldn't be called a lie in any sense of the word. Really Elle didn't see how Alex had convinced herself that it had all been a lie. Did she really think so badly of Elle that she believed every time they were together it had been some big joke? Would that have even made sense? For Elle it didn't, she couldn't find a reason for her to be with Alex aside from love. Sure the girl was incredible in bed but she wasn't rich or famous, Elle didn't care about that shit. She was with Alex because she could be her clumsy dorky self and not have to worry about anything other than Alex finding her adorable. She could be tired and just relax with her lover, have fun playing games and being a complete dork. They had gone to conventions together and gone on spectacular dates, they had been happy. How could Alex just look past all of that and only see her job, how she had sex with people for a living. She wasn't denying it was horrible, keeping that secret had been a mistake, but she also didn't want to simply give up all footing and act like everything they had together could all be dismissed on a single premise. It was bullshit. She wasn't angry, not really. She was a bit annoying, not quite grasping how Alex could stretch it so far, but she knew the gorgeous woman in front of her was passionate, and had to believe to her the slightest indiscretion was unacceptable, job or not. Then Alex said something that drained the remaining color from Elle's already pale skin. She didn't know if they had a chance, and Elle felt like she was going to disappear, everything felt like it would crumble away. Whatever... Was all she uttered when she finally spoke, letting Alex know she could go cook something if she wanted. It had been a huge shock to her to hear how Alex felt about the situation in all truth. Yes, she had been saying much of the same the entire time, but Elle told her everything, she was being as honest as she could be and revealing things about herself she thought pathetic and sad. It changed nothing, all because Alex was no longer sure she could trust Elle. Still, as Alex began to get up she looked up at the woman and spoke in a quiet, sad voice, not about to cry but defeated, drained of energy. Alex... I'm not sure what you think of me at this point. You say I'm this outstanding liar, you call me a cheater, and you obviously don't trust me... But at the same time you refuse to let me put myself down. So I get hopeful... I think, maybe she has seen the parts of me that others haven't, seen past my fucking job and to the clumsy little dork I've always been. Yet you still don't know if we have a chance... It's like saying, yes, I've seen every part of you, but I'm not going to believe that it's real. Denying everything about me because of a single horrible mistake... She paused, there had been no point made, but that was what it had felt like to Elle. Like the person she loved most in the world had said, yes I see that your not the queen of the damned but at the same time I'm not sure you aren't a horrible person who is deceiving me further. As if every moment of their life together had been some elaborate hoax. How tiring that would have been. But let me make this perfectly clear to you Alex... Because I'm so tired and I don't want to say it again... I mean really, I won't, you can choose to believe me after this or not but this is it... She paused, looking up into Alex's eyes, hers being so tired, exhausted from the combination of pained body and worn down soul. I love you. The girl you have been with all of this time, the dork who loves sci-fi and games, the clumsy nerd who trips over her own feet at times... The girl who has said I love you and curled up in your lap so many nights... That is me. I fucking love you dammit... I'll do fucking anything for you, but if you refuse to believe me there is nothing I can do. You either have to make the choice to not forgive me and end this, or separate my job from everything else and realize I've done nothing but love you from the moment we got together and move forward knowing that nothing you knew before finding out my career is any different because of it... I mean fuck Alex... I'll... I'll quit my fucking job if you want. I'll get some shitty minimum wage job and work day and night to make sure we stay afloat... Just please believe me, I won't be able to handle it if this ends not because you can't accept me for who I am but because you can't trust that who I am is the real me... It was long winded and she was panting by the end of it, leaning back against the couch and trying to calm her breathing, her entire body still feeling sore and tired after the accident. It will be worth it to be happy... She panted gently, looking over to Alex again, Because for me... You are happiness... I don't need money... Just you. She stopped talking, leaning back and just relaxing, closing her eyes as tears began to form and her cheeks burned with anger at herself for not just telling Alex sooner. Why did nothing ever seem to work out for her no matter what she did. Please... Please... She muttered under her breath, body recovering slowly as she laid back, half way to falling asleep before she opened her eyes and wiped tear stains from her cheeks. She looked over to the kitchen to see what Alex was doing, not even sure how long she had sat there for, eyes covered and begging, even praying, for Alex's forgiveness and presence in her life moving forward.