Thread: A Personal Diary Entry

The day is now after that monster of a post. I went back and read it all again. It made my heart flutter at points and made me almost cry in others. But writing about all of this does really help. It helps to force yourself to understand what your going through and trying to get feelings into words on a page helps it make sense, somehow. I learned a lot about myself through this process. I'm not sure why I never tried a journal before. I think I had, as a kid once. But this is much better. I can type faster and this can be hidden in plain sight, online, yet somehow in the shadows. I don't even care if people read it. The point is I can read it and then lock it away until I need it again. The girl from that first long night responded, but in the middle of my night. Confirmed she lives the entire country away from me. I responded the next morning, this morning. She hasn't gotten back to me. I can feel myself slowly losing the urge to bother with it, even though I have all the opportunity in the world to chat with her for a while right now. I've somehow gotten lazy as I've gotten older. Or maybe the experience of being caught has activated some chemical reaction that slows my feelings and excitement, keeps in check enough that I do stop. It's like a lack of motivation to bother. Probably because deep down I do know the repercussions. And deep down I don't want to ruin the good life I've made. Somehow my subconscious now knows to stop and only act when the risk is truly gone. Looking back I'm lucky I got away with that first night fling. It was very dumb of me to leave myself open like that, open to a call or text or location find when I was too drunk, or an accidental butt dial at the wrong time. Now I can thank god that its over, know I had fun and move on. I also think writing down the feelings about my client girl was cathartic. My brain was in a weird place. I know why she won't take it farther than she does. Its her location and situation. She has to provide and her job does it. Doing what we'd both want could be a huge risk for her career and future job prospects. Even in the worst of a drunken night out, there's enough in her to stop that. And its the same situation for me. The reason I haven't done anything after 5 years of this is the same reason she hasn't. It will likely never happen. The rain outside is washing the ugly depression from me on this topic. I need to just enjoy what I have with her. Because its the best I'm going to get. I'm like a very veteran junky whos fallen on and off the wagon so many times. At least I'm better at getting back on quicker now. I guess. And I'll always have the risk free fun of role playing. And now I finally feel like I'm mature enough to appreciate writing and do it right. Maybe I'll find a friend. That online anonymous friend who is the only person you can really tell everything to. That's what I need. I've always had, for a lot of my life, especially the difficult parts, someone close who knew every single thing there is to know about me. At this point in my life and with my skeletons, there's not many who could know it all IRL. It's just impossible to tell all without something being even slightly off limits. I need to have an online friend. A close one. Probably a girl. And somehow not have roleplaying completely disrupt my life. Because it absolutely can and does all too easily. I need to feed the beast without it killing me. Because I may go crazy if I don't. Here's hoping I can make this work. Signing off for now, to listen to the rain downpour and catch up on some much needed hours of sleep.