Thread: Last Attempt at a Real Journal (Pouring a Glass of Absinthine Lucidity)

Alright, so, after the depressing fuckstick that was my last Journal, and then the complete shit show that was the thing before it, I've decided to actually see if I can have a journal that isn't a shit show. So, to start with, I'm working on a... I guess a diagram? I don't actually know the term, but I'mma thank Ariamarshmellabutt for directing me to Padlet, because it's been invaluable in researching some stuff, and also organizing my thoughts to be less all over the place. So, I'mma start off with an apology, and an explanation. This isn't an excuse, and I'd like for whomever reads this to keep this in mind while you look this over. This is my explanation, a self analysis on why I've done some of the things I've done. I'm trying to get better, and I want someone to understand it. So, the thing in question was the horrendous, over the top and completely retarded fight I had with my now ex-best friend, a fight that never should have happened in the first place and I honestly regret even starting it now. To start, the reason why I ended up being so absolutely negative was the realization that I wasn't as important to Resi as I thought I was, and while that is a poor reason for doing something like this, I'd like to try and explain myself. I have a feeling that someone is going to accuse me of guilt tripping, or trying to garner sympathy as an excuse for the atrocious amounts of shittery that I did. I invite you to continue hating me all you like, so long as you read what I write. So, I've never really had anyone important in my life that I didn't depend on. I moved a lot when I was a kid, to the point where I hadn't stayed in one spot for more than a year or two until I was in highschool. I got used to losing people, even stopped trying to make friends after a point because I was so sure I'd just lose everything again and again and again. Emotional, physical and just general stability were beyond my grasp, a pipe dream mimicked, just barely, by losing myself in a fantasy world through reading, and eventually, writing. Don't get me started on emotional support. And then I met Resi. I won't bore anyone with the details, and if Resi sees this, he already know how it went. He was my first and very best 'best friend'. For once in my life, I had an emotional support, someone I could talk to about the atrocious shit that happened in my life and I wouldn't be judged by insane people for it. He gave me constructive criticism, a lot of which I ignored but some of which I took to heart. Resi didn't tell me to go fuck myself whenever I did something stupid, he just reprimanded me and told me to do it better. Up until recently, I abused that emotional support. I didn't talk to anyone else until I met Georgia, but that didn't last and I was right back to where I started. Then Luke simply explained that he didn't understand my problems, that he didn't know what I really needed and couldn't give me the help I required, so I stopped talking to him. Things got worse. I have this odd habit of bottling things up. It's not perfect, and as time goes on, I'll start to... it'll leak. My anger and my self loathing manifest in meaner, less amusing snark. I get mad easier, I rage often, and my 'jokes' become less jokes and personal shots to the face. Those of you who saw me in chat over the last while, Xanaphia, Torita, Resi, Ariamella, lait and many others know what I mean by this, especially Xanaphia. This usually comes to a head and I end up getting into a massive fight with someone. It's usually my father, or my mother, people who I believe have wronged me And they have. This time, I took out my rage on Luke, and I didn't even notice, or realize, until after the fact. It's been almost a month since Luke stopped talking to me. This isn't an excuse and I don't even condone the stupidity that was my actions. I realize now that all I was doing was redirecting my pain to someone who didn't deserve it. Luke has done right by me, and I let my rage, and my differences in political opinions, get the best of me. I took out all my pain, my anger and my suffering on the one person who's done more for me in my life than anyone, except maybe my parents. He was, and really still is, my brother in everything but blood. I'd turn to him instead of my own actual born-to-the-same-parents brothers before them. I am trying to get help and my psychologist agreed with me on some points, but told me that the real problem was how I expressed myself. I'm aggressive and I can be mean when I'm angry, and I don't always remember half the shit I say until I re-read things, and I re-read what I said to Resi. I'd like to apologize for the shit I said and taking out my insecurity and rage on Resi. I really am sorry that I fucked up everything the way I fuck up everything else. I'd like to explain one last thing Why I reacted so badly when I've never really been that stupid to Resi before. I was hurt that I wasn't the first person that Resi told about his problems. I was hurt that I couldn't be there for him when he's been here for me for so long. I thought I was the first person he'd tell about these things and I could be the first person to support him. I stand by what I said about transgenderism, but I realize now that I didn't have to express it so aggressively. On the subject of apologies. Xanaphia I'm sorry I freaked out when you insulted me. I could've handled that better. You're still a bitch though. Ariamella I think my... uh... well, I think I was an asshole to you because I've got an acute case of Hipster Disorder. I don't like popular things because I like to find things on my own, and I try to come up with reasons why I don't like a thing but can usually never think of anything past I just don't like it, which usually isn't good enough for people. So I'd like to apologize for letting things breakdown the way they did just because I'm insecure about absolutely everything. I tend to pick at things and find absolutely anything to be upset about after a point. This one wasn't your fault, and I kinda hate myself for being such a dick. lait I uh... don't know what I should apologize to you for but I feel like I should? Could you tell me if I did something wrong to you or am I just being paranoid? Darkangel I'm sorry for abusing your trust. I said I'd come back and be better but I ended up being an asshole anyways. I'm really working on being less of an idiot, if you hadn't noticed by some of the posts I've made towards people I've disagreed with lately. Karameida I'd like to apologize for just randomly deleting you off of Skype for no good reason. I don't have a good excuse or explanation for this. Just insecurity rearing it's ugly face again. Uh. Yeah. So, uh. Hmn. I'll write another post later about some more stuff so long as this doesn't get swamped with stupidity again.