Thread: . . . Documents of a s p l i t . . .

Re N.S. just might be M I A November here again... -sighs- I'm feeling slightly down at the moment, and I need to vent a bit. I really let people supposedly close to my heart get to me too much. Lately it seems that whenever a person says something slightly offending to me I take it to a whole 'nother level. I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I'm highly emotional as of now I guess. I guess it's because normally I'm a nice person willing to do anything for a person that I really find to be extraordinary... and when they turn around and kind of toss my feelings and problems to the side it really breaks my heart. And it seems when I get mad they want to play the fucking victim game like I'm the problem. Here I am willing to do anything, doing all I can to make their life better, practically discarding my own....and they just disregard my feelings all together. Okay so if anyone is reading this you may have noticed that as you read my problem has went from they to just one person. Bare with me, I'm typing as I think...heh . Anyhow, I really think it's stupid for them not to consider the things that make me act a little out of line sometimes. For one I have a multiple personality disorder, an anger problem, emotional issues, and well I tend to zone out a lot. For example if someone were talking to me and I completely missed what they were saying, it wasn't cause' I wasn't listening, it was because I zone out, my brain wandered off leaving me stranded. I don't do it on purpose it just happens. And to top it all off my memory isn't the best at times. Anyway, it's like despite all the good things I do, when I get over emotional because of my shitty life it becomes a problem for them and they want to get an attitude and point out all the shitty stuff I might have done like snapped at them for no reason, started an argument for my amusement, or maybe I was just too playful and annoyed them to death. It's like they take things too seriously, or to heart too much. I get a little upset with that but I don't complain and make em' feel like shit. But when I take shit to heart it's like the end of the world. Like the great fucking November can't get her feelings hurt. Sure I can be a heartless bastard at times out to hurt someone but that is only if they have hurt me severely. I'm always cutting niggas breaks and shit but you know what all that is about to come to an end. I'm tired of being nice and getting my feelings stepped all on. I hate crying, and every time someone tosses me away like I'm worthless I want to. It's pathetic I know. Perhaps I shouldn't have opened myself at all. Perhaps I should have stayed the heartless, cold shoulder giving bitch I used to be when everyone's problems meant shit to me. -sigh- And another thing that gets me fucking pissed is that, they know these problems I have because I told them, and yet they still don't know how to deal, and or accept me. It really pisses me off. I really do hate the person I've become. It's a shame, but nonetheless that's how it is. -sighs- But now that I have vented I feel somewhat better now. Still depressed, but less like I want to cry. God I hate crying. I think I should just start disregarding their feelings...tossing them to the side....criticizing their very being...exploiting every flaw they have until they feel as fucked as I do.