Thread: Anxiety, Depression, and trying to get better.

Another year older and I find myself just wanting to write some stuff on my mind. I rarely do this, but I've had a lot on my mind recently. I have come to the realization that I am unhealthy. That I am self destructive, and that if left to my own devices I will stab every single person I care about in the back until I am left completely alone. I do it all the time, and I'm not getting smarter about it. A site that I had been rping on for the last five years decides that it is shutting down in December, and instead of doing the rational reasonable person thing I over react and get myself banned. This year for my birthday I was supposed to go get on a plane and visit the city. I decided to stay home at the last second because I couldn't bring myself to get up in the morning and move my ass on time. Because I was afraid of going to the city to see some friends that I hadn't seen in two years since I moved out to the middle of nowhere. I didn't go because I was afraid. Last year I was hit by a car, and my back was damaged, the scar from the surgery is a small cut near my tail bone where they had to cut into some flesh to bleed out an infection. It's small, and if I didn't point it out to anyone no one would notice, it doesn't even affect my upper body. But I can't take off my shirt in public, and even though I can lift upwards of 80lbs, I can't go swimming at the local pool because as I tell myself every day 'I've lost strength'. These things exist in my head, I know that because when push comes to shove and my eldest brother threw me into a lake off a cliff to prove a point I swam just as fine as when I was a life guard. Yet when I go to the pool I can't do more than step foot in the shallows because I'm terrified. My back was damaged, I had to spend three months in a hospital bed recovering as a pump helped the laceration on my spine heal and pull me back to gether. I had to walk with a cane for a month afterwords as my legs shook, and even now i use a pillow and it hurts to stand for too long at the end of the day, but nothing affected my upper body strength. I'm just scared, and often I don't know why. I have no reason to think that the people I care about in my life are plotting against me, or that for some reason they don't like me, but I always pause to think about it, and I get under peoples skin because of it. Just yesterday i asked one of my closest friends the same question I asked them the day before. Not even stopping to realize that she had already given me an answer and that I'm just a little on the daft side. My life would be a lot easier if I could actually stop myself, and just sit down shut up and listen to others. On that other site there were two rp partners. One of them suddenly dropped her rp with me after telling me the previous day that I was her favorite partner. She then said that she was going to 'find her faith' I was sure that this was some sort of suicide note and so I sent a pm to the admin and was told that she was probably just born again christian. The other I had been rping with for almost five years, tried to tell me that she loved me, and because that crossed a line I was uncomfortable with I told her that I no longer had any want or desire to rp with her. She sent me a message that reads like a suicide note, and this time I didn't report it. Rather I just deleted the PM and she deleted her account. Even if she had been the one to cross the line in that instance in trying to tell me how she felt about me, I was quick to slam the door in her face and because of that she left a site that she had cared about. I just shrugged and moved on. I don't get it. If I care about one person who disappears why shouldn't i care about the other? they are both faceless nameless people, so why do i lock onto one, and then push the other away? I suppose this is the point where I say I'm not a happy person. That this year I chose to spend my birthday in relative seclusion and that all of these reflections are just born of one extremely tired old man. except i'm not old I'm 26. I'm 26, and i'm going to be a teacher next year. I can't handle my own life how exactly am I supposed to teach little kids about theirs? I am working towards a brighter tomorrow. I am for the first time seeing a psychiatrist on the 11th of august, and a counselor on the 4th. I'm going to therapy, and I'm going to find some way that I can be a better person. I just hope I figure out how to be that 'better person' before i completely isolate myself from the people I care for.