Thread: Sexual Star, Amateur at Love (Javorcek X ClearSight)

Certain moments in life a situation would spiral out of control and explode like a train wreck in slow motion. It was always the same, one person did or said something and the results were not even close to what had been meant at the time. For Elle one of those moments was in the process of occurring. A silent scream in her head warned her that she had said the wrong fucking thing if she wanted any semblance of conversation with Alex. She had said something about having someone from work take care of her, someone would be in their place, with her, alone, and she wouldn't have Alex around. It was horrible, she knew it and the most devastating part was that she didn't even have people from work she would feel comfortable having around to take care of her. She only had Alex, in her entire life Alex was the only person, aside from her parents, who she was truly close to. Fuck, why hadn't she just had Alex meet them and break it to her then. Sure, they lived a long way away but she loved them to death, talked to them constantly, and they knew more about Alex than anyone else. Hell, Elle bragged. She didn't want to call them crying and let them know she had fucked up the most important relationship in her life. When Alex accused her of such sickening betrayals though Elle lost it, yanking herself away and almost falling on the floor because of it, hitting the wall with a pained wince and hurt eyes. Fuck you Alex, fuck you! She shouted, a few tears in her eyes. I'm so damn tired of you telling me what I feel and what I do, it's exactly what I knew would happen when you knew what I did for a living. You instantly jump to me being a dirty fucking whore who is dating you just to fuck you over and cheating on you in our bed like some slut. That is not who I am and you would fucking remember that if you just calmed yourself down. She positioned herself better on the wall, back pressed up against it as a few labored breaths escaped. Because I do love you. I support you in everything you want to do because I love and believe in you. I spend every fucking second I can with you, whenever I'm not working to pay the bills I'm with you. And yes, I'm a fucking pornstar, I have sex for a living, sure call me a prostitute or a hooker, whatever the hell you think it makes me, but nobody has ever made me feel ashamed about it before and I'll be damned if I let you make me feel like a piece of trash now! She grit her teeth, trying not to cry and get everything she wanted to say out before Alex stormed off or continued in her little explosion. She even laughed, looking over at Alex with a saddened face. And you think I would sleep with these women outside of work? Have you ever met one of my friends? No? I didn't think so. Because I have no friends... I am not friends with these women and to me the scenes I'm in are work, there is no romance or love. Hell if you knew what making adult films was like you would understand why I'm tired, it's not because I'm getting fucked ragged, it's because there are so many damned takes that I'm sore and worn down by the time it's over... Not to mention I've had a ragged voice because I've had to fake so many fucking orgasms I can't talk in the morning. She paused but only to catch her breath as exhaustion from all of the moving and talking on her own was putting on her. Then she heard the crack in Alex's voice and she looked up, seeing tears and finding her heart instantly shattering at the sight of her strong lover crumbling with feelings of inadequacy. She wanted to reach out, comfort her, try to make it better, but in this situation finishing what she needed to say was the only option she had to even try and salvage things, to try and make Alex understand what in the hell was going on in her head. Alex... You're the only thing that makes me happy... Do you remember when we first met? She paused, letting the memory rekindle. I was drinking myself into a stupor, each day was me drinking before going home to an empty apartment with some frozen dinner. I was miserable, and even when you asked me out it was clear to you how down I was, and I made up that excuse about hating my job... Telling you how frustrating it was to be a programmer, how it was more of the same with no passion for what I did... You changed all that. Elle took a deep breath. You made my life bright, made waking up and going to that job okay because when I got done and came home you were here... So no, you're not just good enough for me, you're fucking everything to me and it's been that way ever since you came in to my life. It made me scared, from the fucking moment I realized I had fallen in love with you. That mentioning what I did, that a woman like you would hear that and find me disgusting, a used piece of meat that you would never love. It's the same reason I never let you meet my parents, because they would have let it slip. So I kept going to my job and lying to you, not because you are not good enough for me... Never that... But because I know that I'm not good enough for you, that I don't deserve you, and I'm not sure why I thought you would never find out and I could keep you forever, but it's what I hoped. She looked away, a few tears falling from her eyes as she quickly tried to wipe them away and avoid Alex's gaze, waiting to hear the door at the end of the hallway shut and Alex to be gone. Fuck, it was unbearable.