Thread: Family Fun at the Pantomime

For those of you not familiar with the British tradition of pantomime, Id better explain. They provide family entertainment over Christmas and New Year. There are a limited number of stories, all with the same basic ingredients. There is romance between the principal boy and the principal girl. The boy is always played by a woman who dresses in tights and boots and who stomps around pretending she is a man. The girl is always played by a girl. There are two dames, who are men dressed as women but who must look like men dressed as women rather than like women they provide the comedy. There are plenty of slap stick routines. And the humour is designed at different levels for children and adults. Each year our local amateur dramatic society puts on a panto, as pantomime is called for short. We picked Dick Whittington, the story of young man who became Lord Mayor of London after making a fortune when his cat killed all the mice on a merchant ship. This allowed us a chance to make lots of jokes at the expense of our inept town council. It was also the only set of costumes we could get at short notice. For humour, we were able to get in lots of references to a Dick not having a dick and to ask the audience if anyone had seen Dicks pussy. All good clean fun. Casting proceeded in the usual manner. The role of Dick Whittington, remember hes played by a girl, went to Pam. After extensive auditions, everyone agreed that she wasnt the best actor or singer or dancer, and she certainly didnt have the sweet character to portray innocent young Dick. But she did have one advantage over everyone else she was the only one who fit the costume. And once she had it on, everyone agreed she had fantastic thighs and a great ass, both of which she had previously kept well hidden under long skirts. I was cast on the same principles, being the member of the company who fitted the costume of a dwarf. Actually, Im just a short girl, but who cares. My role was as servant to the two dames, who remember are both men dressed not to look like women. In other words, I was part of the comedy for the show. Essentially, I caused trouble and had to be punished. The fun was in trying to catch me. Now Im sure youve all seen slap stick. It is very funny and looks really painful, but no one gets hurt because of the slick timing. When its done by professionals, that is. But we werent professionals and the only thing going for Pam was her legs and ass. She had to hit me a lot, or pretend to. But she always got something wrong. Shed aim a bit too low so that when I ducked Id get hit anyway. Or shed swing at me too fast to avoid the blow. Or shes go to my left when I was moving in that direction. It was so bad, it was actually quite funny. By the end of each rehearsal, my head was ringing. I got more and more angry, which added an edge to my performance. Everyone understood why, except Pam. It was in the final dress rehearsal that I got my big idea, the one that made the opening night the most memorable ever. Id just ducked to my left in anticipation of the blow that should have gone just to my right, when she caught me with a backhand from that direction and sent me down on my knees. There I was, staring at her hips thrust out in a manly pose shes actually a girl remember, although shes playing a boy her thighs spread and her leather boots reaching above her knees. That was when I decided that I was going to have my revenge. I went to the dames remember, oh never mind, Im sure youve got the idea by now and they were both up for teaching haughty Pam a lesson. They told me to do what I felt like and theyd improvise some action or dialogue to cover it up. We had three comedy scenes to break up the boring romance stuff and overnight I came up with a plan for each. Just a rough outline. There was no point being too precise, because you never knew what Pam would do next. I dont think she did most of the time. For my first scene, I decided on a bit of fun, saving the best for last. She was supposed to stand at the front of the stage, adopt her manly pose and summon me to her to receive punishment for something Id done wrong. But instead of standing still and waiting for the blow, I dropped to my knees as soon as she raised her arm, shuffled between her legs that were spread wide, rose behind her and delivered a stinging slap to the right cheek of her ass, the one that the audience could see, before rushing off the hide behind one of the dames, shouting STRIKE ONE. She stood there stunned, as if she couldnt take in what I had just done. There was some nervous laughter from the audience, but they seemed just as stunned as Pam, sensing perhaps from her reaction that this wasnt in the script. Pete, the dame, grabbed me and dragged me back, telling me to take my punishment like a man, which of course Im not, as the audience knew. Not suspecting anything, Pam made to strike again but kept her legs together. Not to be thwarted, I ducked low, came up as if to hit her. Naturally she ducked to avoid what she thought would be a blow to her head, but I scurried round behind her and delivered a hard slap on the other cheek. The audience entered into the spirit this time, shouting STRIKE TWO in unison with me. By the time Pam swung round, I was hiding behind Dave, the other dame. He dragged me back again, scolding me loudly. Pam, unsure what would happen, decided to try to grab me. But that meant she had to bend and spread her legs again, allowing me to dive between them again and deliver a third smack dead centre that echoed around the auditorium. STRIKE ONE, the audience shouted as I ran off the stage to hide until my next scene. Pam was furious, telling everyone who would listen what a complete disgrace I was and how I was ruining the show. They all nodded and agreed, but behind her back they were enjoying what was happening. Fortunately, she was on stage a lot and was busy changing her tunic whenever she was off stage, so I was able to keep out of her way. Pam was prepared for the next scene and spoilt my plans by keeping her legs tightly closed, just like her mother had taught her no doubt. You could sense the anticipation in the audience as they waited for the unexpected. It took a while coming, but in the end Pams stance worked to my advantage. The end of scene involved a lot of ducking and dodging and weaving around. That was when I saw my chance. I swerved this way and that before her, making it impossible for her to get in a blow, and each time she tried she became more unbalanced. Finally, as the scene neared its end, and with the audience in stitches as I literally ran rings round Pam, she lost her balance. As she teetered, I twisted as I passed her and delivered a kick right on her tights ass, sending her onto her face. I ran off stage with the audience applauding loudly. With the connivance of the other members of the cast, I managed to keep clear of her until my final scene. This was just a fill-in while the rest of cast got into their best costumes for the grand finale, which of course was the wedding. Pam was furious at being made a fool, so I knew Id have only one chance to bring off my best shot. Pete and Dave dragged me in front of her and held me for her to deliver the long awaited punishment. The audience, by now primed for some unusual fun, were silent. To be fair to Pam, she tried to improvise. Turning to the audience, she cried out He deserves to be punished, doesnt he, boys and girls. Without waiting for a reply, she swung to face me. As she turned, I saw light between her thighs and took aim. With the dames supporting me, I kicked out and caught her right in the centre of her honeymoon suite. Pam tottered for a moment and then, to howls of laughter from the audience, she sank to her knees. Oh dear, Pete said to Dave, it looks like shes hurt herself. Dave, quick as a flash, replied Lets hope shes recovered by her wedding night, providing the perfect lead in to the final scene. The curtain fell and two of the back stage crew rushed forward to help Pam to her feet and off for her change of costume. I came on with the dames to take my bow and reached a chorus of cheers and loud applause. Pam came on with his bride, walking slightly less confidently than he had been and with a green tinge beneath her makeup, although that could have been the lighting.