Thread: Splitting Ends -A glimps in to the mind of Trinket-

Tuesday, September 15 2010 Violin Concerto In A Minor Bach 1105 Am Pacific Daylight Time Sleepless Nights and M- oral Decay. Christ that header took forever to put together... I'm surprised I even finished it. BB code, or any coding for that matter, is a pain in the fucking ass. Well, I'm going to start of by saying Yes, I still am bitching about my teeth. Why? Because they still fucking hurt and I will continue to bitch about them until they are yanked and or pulled from my skull. Call me a pussy if you will but motherfucker they hurt so badly. I have this god awful tastes in the back of my mouth at all times no matter what I do to rid myself of it. I'm getting damn frustrated. I've been to two dentists and all they have done is given me anti-bionics and painkillers and push back the goddamn removal date. I swear if the 27th comes around and they push it back again I'mma get a bottle of booze and an exact-o knife and just carve the fuckers out myself. Anyway... moving on. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, which isn't a surprise, but I can literally feel it wearing on my body and more importantly my mind. The only sleep I have really been able to pull was through a very bad combination sleeping pills, pain killers and mood stabilizers and even then I don't sleep I just lay there motionlessly. My mind is still plenty awake. I can feel and hear everything that's going on around me but I can't for the life of me get my body to respond the other day it scared the living fuck out of me because someone was standing really close and I couldn't even open my eyes well enough to see what it was they were doing. I know that that doesnt sound all too bad, but even if this is my home it really isn't the safest place to be completely incapacitated. It didn't help Adilin when started freaking out on the person that was standing there. But now that I think about it hes super protective of me and its more then likely that he would have spazzed even if I werent completely out of it. So, one would think that the solution to this problem would be to simply not take as much of each substance or simply not mix them. Well, if I don't, I can't get my body to that point of almost sedation and I sit in my room unable to feel my body but still unable to sleep. Not much better. So the past few days I've simply said Fuck it And I have taken the prescribed amount pain killers to keep the pain in my teeth at bay and I've simply stayed awake... getting about 3 hours of sleep every 24-36 hours of wake time. I appreciate the extra time because I seem to be getting things done and a rapid pace but I can feel my general ability to care much about anything rapidly depleting as well. I just can't seem to make myself give a damn about anything other then my Pop-pop, myself, Adilin, Niqueo, and possibly Alex, possibly. Most other things go straight over my head and if they don't I strike out violently towards minor irritations, like the sound of someones voice after I've told not to speak around me. But surprisingly enough, today I found something that does indeed get under my skin enough to make me feel bad enough to cry. Now, I understand that things aren't absolutely god awful for me. I have a roof over my head, I eat on the somewhat regular basis, I have a computer and connection to the net, and electricity to run it I have running water and clothing but at the same time most of these luxuries have been obtained by illegal means or by just scraping by. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much appreciative of these things and if I were the only one dealing with the life style I'd be down right dandy... but fact is I'm not. I'm currently working two jobs to support my mother and her fucking addictions as well as whomever she brings by. Usually if things get to bad I'm able to get a front or sell something or even just barrow money from a friend or something like that, but right now my assets have been tapped to fucking death and I have nothing to turn to. Its down right frustrating because there is no reason that we should be shit broke in the middle of the month like this considering all the work Adilin and I do to keep the house going as smoothly as possible, it proves that something is draining us much faster then it was before. Adilin and I are able to just out right ignore when we are hungry or thirsty or when we need a smoke but my mother is not and she get's horribly violent when we cannot provide for her. So, early today she started in on me and I either had a choice to sit and get wailed on until her rage passed or get off my ass and go scrape up some money to get her to calm down. So, I swallowed my pride and went out a pan-handled for while. I know it's not good to be prideful because we all end up in shitty situations, but damn it was hard to do. At first I felt like shit because I kept thinking that I was too good for it, that it was below me and it drained me of my self-worth. But as time passed my perceptive changed and I started thinking about the people who were doing the same thing and the differences between us... I had somewhere to go after I was finished... they don't. I felt like I was taking from people who had absolutely nothing. If the people who gave to me were asked by someone who seriously needed it then they couldn't give because I already took from them. I felt so damn selfish. About an hour in I couldn't do it anymore and I had collected about 6 bucks and I went to the store and bought a pack of smokes and a soda, absolutely nothing anyone needed... just wanted. I've pan-handled before. But it was the first time I've ever done it for the sake of saving my own ass. Every time I've done it before was when I was on the streets and needed food and even then it felt wrong. It didn't get better when I got home and my mother looked at me and said That's it? You've been gone for an hour. Then took her share of the pack and started bitching about the type of soda I got. I don't know why, but I can't seem to leave her. It's a horrible guilt that's tying me to her. Adilin asks why I put myself through the bullshit but... that my mom... I can't just cast her aside. I know that I can make it without her, I've done it before but I also know she can't make it without me and that's what ties me to this place... I donno. But I fucking hate addicts. Eh. Times are getting hard for now and it's starting to get to me but they can only get so bad before they start to get better again. On a brighter note it's a nice day today, it's starting to cool down so we can sit out on the porch and not fry to death. Oh, I got to see my godson today. He's getting so big, starting to look just like Adilin right down to the freckles, he's so adorable. He's taken an interest in music so I'm glad to see him exploring different things and he's doing really well in his classes. He's being considered for advanced math and if he's accepted to the classes then he'll be taking like Algebra in the 7th grade... which is a while away, about 3 years, but still it's quite the achievement in my eyes. Seeing him kind made things go away for a while, I love that kid. And today was the first day in court against the company that gave my Papa the mother chair that flipped him. Its looking pretty damn good from what my uncle says theres really no way they can fight the flaw in the chair that caused the accident. At first they were saying that we didnt have a case because my pap didnt have his safety belt on but logically speaking if he had had it on, the chair would have flipped over and most likely broken his back rather then just throwing him out and fucking up the foot he has left. So the case is still pretty damn strong. Normally I wouldnt deal with the court system but thats my daddy and there will be hell to pay for this shit. Hell I say hell! Thankfully hes healing well, he might still lose his toes but hell still have the leg. If he lost that one too I dont think wed be able to get him out of the home for a lot longer. I truly think part of my problem right now is not being able to see him freely. I miss my Pop-pop, hes a good man. Hes an unbelievably strong person I dont think Id be able to survive with out him. Well, I think I'm spoken my peace for today. I'mma stop bitching now and go clean something or something. Possibly just hang out for a bit and see how things turn out. I donno yet, I haven't decided. I'm not usually this whiny... but... today is just one of those days I feel like being a pussy.