Thread: Journal?! More like a Rantfest!

October 13, 2013 Sunday Kinda in a funk...posting will be slow. ---- Incoming bummed-outness. Feel free to skip the following. Sometimes she tells me I'm magic. Whenever she does, I'm reminded of the times I would go to see my grandfather in the hospital before he died. He had Parkinson's and was sort of wasting away towards the end. He was confused and delusional, which is common for people who are in the end stages of Parkinson's. Knowing that didn't make it suck any less. He forgot who my brother was, he'd throw things at my dad or tell him to go milk the cows even though my grandfather had retired from farming almost 20 years ago, he'd try to knock out the doctors, and sometimes he'd be so out of it that he would forget how to speak English and my grandmother would have to talk to him in Czech. But for whatever reason, whenever I came to visit and would just say Grandpa? when he was napping, he'd wake up, smile and ask how I was. Then we'd carry on a conversation just like everything was normal and he wasn't sick. See Amy? You're magic... is what my grandmother would say. Heh...yeah...magic. I am so full of magic right now that I will bite my tongue to keep from screaming at her. I want to tell her I hate her. I want to yell at her for being so -stupid- and -selfish-. To scream that her choices don't affect just -her- anymore, they affect -us- all our plans for life after college might go up in flames because of the choices she has made. Right now 'her' is my girlfriend that I love to pieces. But I also absolutely hate her because she -lied- to me when I asked if she was drinking again. I'm more disappointed in the fact that she lied rather than the fact that she fell off the wagon. I know it's hard, I know alcoholism is an -illness- and I know that she can't do this on her own but right now has to because we go to school so far away from one another and she is too embarrassed to tell her mother. I bite my tongue because I know that if I scream she will drink more. And I don't want her to drink anymore...I want to her to get better. My girlfriend has been an alcoholic for about 8-9 years now. When we shared an apartment, I used to dump her vodka right down the kitchen sink. But now she lives far away and I can no longer be the bitch of a girlfriend that will not let her make her own dumbass decisions. She's only 28 and has nerve damage in her feet and hands which causes shooting pains to go up her legs and arms. And to top it off, when I took her to the hospital two days ago they tested her blood and found out that her liver is starting to freak out from all the drinking. Fantastic... And of course, rehab gets put on hold because she needs to finish this semester since we're already halfway through it. She's an amazing student by the way, incredibly smart. I don't want her to screw up her 4.0 either but it scares the crap out of me that if she doesn't go to rehab now, all this nerve damage is going to be permanent. So all I can do is ask her -nicely- to cut back as much as she can and set up an appointment to go to detox during winter break. At night she cries and the only thing I can do is hold her hand and she tells me I'm magic. I let her hold my hand even though I need to lay on the one side to go to sleep...so I end up with my arm cranked behind my back and stay awake through most of the night because as long as she's holding my hand, she sleeps. Sometimes she calls me in the middle of the night and asks to hold my hand. And I tell her to imagine that I am...then I stay on the phone with her until she falls back asleep. Today I went back home and I am worried as hell. She tells me that I can leave, that I don't have to be saddled with someone who is sick. I know I can leave. I'm young, there's always other fish in sea. But I like my fish that will give me mercury poisoning and cause me to lose my mind. As stupid as it may be, I love her, I really do. I'm not going to leave just because it's easier on me. I rather just stick around and put in the work.