Thread: some advice please

I don't know if this is still relevant, though I suspect it probably is as these problems are rarely resolved quickly. I agree with lilminx and MsMuffintops about needing to discuss the situation with him. But as a heterosexual guy, I can give you some insight into why this is precarious. If you directly call his honesty into question - especially in a confrontational manner - you're likely to get nothing but frustration. Whether male or female, if someone is lying, they are likely going to keep lying and dig in deeper if you question their honesty. Then you are left not knowing and further frustrated. But there is good news. You can still accomplish what you want through tact. Here are a number of things I would recommend that might help. I certainly do not purport to be a relationship expert of any kind, but I've found these to be really useful tactics in a range of different relationships my own and those of people I know. Bare in mind that every relationship is different and no one knows your relationship better than you. That being said... 1. Consider if you are exerting any pressure that would cause him to lie. Liars are almost always motivated by one of three things being absolved, lying out of fear, or lying to get something they want. This is not accusatory at all. Even if you are exerting pressure, it might be necessary as it often is in a relationship. Or you may find that you aren't doing anything that would warrant lying. The point is that trying to see it from your husband's angle may help you better understand his mindset. 2. This one is absolutely essential. Remember why you two fell in love in the first place. Remember all the good things about him and about your relationship. Never forget the good amongst the bad. If this is particularly effective for you, you can try to remind your husband of these things too. If not, I hope they might bring you some relief. 3. Never underestimate the background. How well do you know your husband's background and family? Do they lie? What are their moralsvalues? In the vast majority of cases, we are products of our environment and are largely shaped by our upbringing. It might be worth consideration. 4. The actual confrontation... of sorts. When you do discuss the problem with him, do not bombard him with accusations or exude undue aingstangersadnesspity. It will put further pressure on him and while it might be cathartic for you, it won't yield the results you want. Go about it gently without nagging. I would recommend playing it out in your head first somewhat. Be firm so he cannot dismiss it and be sure you have tangible examples without delving into that list effect where it seems you just remember every bad thing he has done. Be sure to explain clearly why you are coming to him about this and explain your emotions without actually sharing them at that moment. I hope that comes across clearly. Most importantly, make sure that he doesn't feel you are going to bring the wrath of God down on him if he comes clean. That's imperative. 5. Analyze his lies. You said you don't believe he is having an affair so at least for me that's a big one. I could not agree more that strong relationships require honesty and openness, but if he is just telling occasional white lies, then you may want to consider letting them go. Truth 1 Everyone lies. Everyone. Truth 2 People in relationships will lie to one another from time to time. It's going to happen. What you have to decide is whether the lies are too great or too frequent for you to be comfortable with. If you are cognizant of the lying, then you may have a real problem or and I am not accusing you of anything so don't feel offended you may be unnecessarily suspicious. 6. Somewhat going along with the first point, further analyze your role in the relationship. Are you supportive of your husband? Is he supportive of you? This is actually super important. If you havecan detect a pattern in his lying, see how your behavior affects it. If you do something nice for him, how does that affect his behavior? 7. As a last resort if you truly feel your marriage is on the rocks, you may want to consider marriage counseling. I am aware that this can be expensive, but depending on where you live, there are often cheap classes available. Hopefully, you will never get to this point, but they really can be effective. Therapy is finally being accepted in society and people are finally starting to realize how beneficial it can be. I hope I have helped and I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes who previously posted God knows I've done that enough already apparently. Again, I am far from a relationship guru, but I figured I would lend my two cents in the name of good will. Best of luck. I hope you get your answers and I hope your relationship improves post haste.