name,line
House , Damn it. I waited too long.
Charlie ," Please, come on, do something! Come on, do something! Do something!"
Foreman , You couldn't have saved her.
Cuddy , [voice over] It's your choice if you wanna go back on drugs.
House , You think I can fix myself?
Cuddy , I just need to know if you and I can work.
Cuddy , [softly] Let me see. [She peels the bandage off the wound on his neck.] It's okay. [He pulls his head away. She inhales sharply.] It's gonna get infected.
House ," Hey, you're not gonna... [He closes his eyes, embarrassed.] You are. [She slides off his jeans, kneeling in the process. His scar is at her eye lEvel. She strokes it. He is upset.] No. Don't, don't."
Cuddy , It's okay. I love you.
House , So now what?
Cuddy , [curling back onto her side] Everything's good. We don't have to talk through it all.
House ," No, I meant it literally. Now what? We could make breakfast. We could go bowling. [He lifts the sheet, checks and drops it back in place.] We could stay here."
Cuddy , I have to go home and get dressed and go to work.
House , So that's it?
Cuddy , I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.
House , [very quietly] Yeah. [A cell phone rings. Cuddy reaches over and picks it up. They both look at the caller ID.] Your assistant's new. It's a 50/50 chance he just... can't find the light switch. [He takes the phone from her and answers it.] Hello?
Alex , Dr. Cuddy?
House ," No, this is Dr. Cuddy's nanny. She's, uh, feeling a little under the weather now, so she won't be coming in today."
Alex , Oh. I hope she's all right. Would you mind asking her if�
House , No. Can't do that. I'm afraid she's locked in the bathroom. Terrible bug going around. What's the pRoblem?
Alex ," Well, I'm sorry to disturb her, but it's Dr. Richardson. He must have the same stomach flu. He threw up in the O.R., and I'm not sure how she'd want me to�"
House ," Hold on a second. [He pulls the phone away from his ear and holds it on his chest for a literal second before resuming the conversation] I've talked to Dr. Cuddy, and she would like you to do three things : One � send him home, two � sterilize the O.R., three � use your own brain. See ya. [to Cuddy] It's about puke. That's what's so important. Puke."
Cuddy ," Well, I guess I don't have to rush back in. But whatEver ""now what"" we do decide on... It comes after you take a bath."
Taub ," Here's one. 25-year-old Man with numbness and tingling in his legs and a speech disorder, three� """
Foreman , Anybody see House?
Taub , It's 10 :00 A.M. I'd be worried if he was here. This 25-year-old�
Foreman , He was in pretty bad shape yesterday after his Patient died.
Chase , House has lost Patients before. We all have. He's a big boy.
Foreman , You didn't see him.
Thirteen , Best thing we can do for him now is find him a new puzzle to solve.
Taub , Thus bringing us back to my 25-year-old�
Chase , Yet you're the only person here without a potential case in front of you.
Thirteen , I haven't found the right one yet.
Chase ," Oh. I""�I thought maybe it was because you were asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through."
Taub , I didn't say anything.
Chase ," He didn't...I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally, I... steamed it open."
Foreman , What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Foreman , Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
Thirteen ," [smiles, exhales sharply] Sure sounds like a no."
Cuddy , There's glass Everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?
House , I was in a mood.
Cuddy , I'll be right back.
House , Don't get that.
Cuddy , It could be important.
House ," This is important. [She looks exasperated.] Right now, we are more important than what's going on at the hospital. So...I say we turn off our phones and... give the morning to us."
Cuddy , Okay. I'll go turn it off.
House ," Thank you. [She leaves. When she comes back, she sits on the edge of the tub. Her hands are empty.] You're distracted."
Cuddy , I'm not.
House ," Yeah, you are. You turned off your phone but you're still wondering, ""What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"""
Cuddy , I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
House , Richardson?
Cuddy ," The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times, or else the hospital technically isn't a lEvel one trauma center."
House , Which means?
Cuddy ," I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the Patients out of the ICU..."
House ," [gets up] Okay, stop. Turn around."
Cuddy , Why?
House , Because you need to relax.
Cuddy , Where are we going?
House , I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers... transformative powers. But! I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.
Chase , Hello?
House ," Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?"
Chase , Yeah. You got a note from Thirteen.
House ," So how come we don't have, like, five neurosurgeons?"
Chase ," Well, we had three, but Kapur retired, and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding."
House ," I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon."
Chase , [scoffing] I'm not a neurosurgeon.
House , Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
Chase ," House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places."
House ," If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative pRoblem, not a medical one."
Chase ," House, where the hell are you?"
House , Great. Glad you're on it. [hangs up and calls to Cuddy] All systems go!
Foreman , Why are you going to Rome? I found the flight information in your locker.
Thirteen , I love how Everyone thinks it's so quaint and Parkldlike of me to expect a modicum of privacy around here.
Foreman , Your flight's tomorrow. What's so urgent in Rome?
Thirteen , I hear they want to tear down the Coliseum to build a karaoke bar.
Foreman , The Buona Speranza Medical Center in Rome is doing a Huntington's trial.
Thirteen ," Seriously, I live to sing."
Foreman , I know that they've been doing fetal neural transplantation. I also know that their subjects have increased risk of intracranial hemorrhage. This isn't the time to join a trial. This research is in its infancy. So's your condition.
Thirteen , [stops playing and faces him down] You read my note. You go through my locker. And then you decide you want to round it off by lecturing me on my life choices?
Foreman , I'm worried about you.
Thirteen ," Oh. Well, that makes it all right then."
House ," So what, exactly, is this? It can still be open and casual and fun if you want."
Cuddy , Open? [She looks up at him.] You think I want to see other people?
House ," Well, last night was emotional for you. [He kisses the top of her head.] We both lost that Patient. We watched people die. I came back here and I went for the Vicodin, and you... dumped your fianc� and you came here."
Cuddy , Which I don't regret.
House , I'm not saying you do. I'm just saying it was an impulsive move.
Cuddy , Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?
House , [deep breath] You're right. [He squeezes his eyes shut.] That was very anti-secret bath.
Cuddy , House.
House , Yeah.
Cuddy , The secret bath is... burning my lady parts.
House , How do you think my [whispers] anus feels? Burning means it's working.
Cuddy , Can we get out now?
House , I was so waiting for you to say that.
Alex , Could I speak to Dr. Jankowski? No. I don't need to disturb him in Bermuda.
Foreman , Everything okay?
Alex ," Dr. Cuddy's phone keeps going directly to voicemail, and I need to get a neurosurgeon to replace Dr. Richardson for the day or else she's screwed."
Chase , I'm a neurosurgeon.
Alex , [takes out earpiece and stares lEvelly at Chase] No. You're not.
Chase , I've cut into people's heads more often�
Alex ," You did a residency in neurosurgery at the University of Melbourne, but you were nEver board-certified."
Foreman , You've worked here two days. How�
Alex , Dr. Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know Everything about Dr. House's team... and not to beliEve anything any of them told me.
Chase , I'm... not a neurosurgeon?
House ," And...voila! For the first course, I flaked some tender young ears of corn on the side of assorted exotic breakfast meats in a Parkli sauce reduction."
Cuddy , And the... second course?
House ," [sitting] A single grape. To cleanse the palate. Which is kind of a waste, 'cause there is no third course."
Cuddy , I'm glad we stayed in. This is actually... pretty good.
House , I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.
Cuddy , I slept with my freshMan roommate.
House , A lie.
Cuddy , A truth.
House , You have a tell.
Cuddy , What is it?
House , First admit that you were lying.
Cuddy , Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?
House ," Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell."
Cuddy ," Well, then you have to tell me something I don't already know about you."
House ," Even though, technically, you didn't tell me something that I didn't already know about you."
Cuddy , Quit being so damn logical and just tell me.
House ," I used to have an intimate relationship with a photograph of you. Well, actually, a sock and a photograph."
Cuddy , I know.
House , I was lying.
Cuddy , The photo you took of me as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween. Why else would you take that picture?
House ," I have to pee. [He gets up, holding his leg, and starts for the bathroom.] Ha! You can't tell. 'Cause actually, I have to poo."
House , [whispers] What?
Chase , Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head?
House , Perhaps you could follow the same advice.
Chase ," He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to."
House , Sounds like you got the situation under control.
Chase ," No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our E.R. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House."
House , Great. I've got Every faith in your ability to solve the pRoblem.
Thirteen , I have called Every neurosurgeon within a 45-mile radius � nothing.
Chase , Maybe House is just testing us.
Taub , He's always testing us.
Foreman ," Test or not, it's a pRoblem."
Chase , It's not our pRoblem. Why the hell is it House's pRoblem?
Foreman ," Where the hell is Cuddy? We either report this, and half the hospital gets shut down, or we cover it up and run the risk that the entire hospital gets shut down."
Thirteen , Or we get Richardson.
Foreman , He's sick.
Thirteen , And we're doctors. We get people better. [She leaves.]
Taub , Fing Fong Fooey?
Chase , Tchuh.
Cuddy , Can I open them yet?
House , Just a second. [A few heavy steps are heard.] Okay. Hold out your hand.
Cuddy , Oh...
House , [produces a bottle of champagne from behind his back] I always wanted to open a bottle of champagne with one of these things. You might wanna stand behind me for this.
House ," Okay... [He slices the sword up the bottle and shatters it.] Yeah! [He and Cuddy are both laughing.] Mm, I think I might have... got that slightly wrong. Well, good thing I got a case."
Wilson ," [from the hallway] House, open up. We need to talk."
Cuddy , [quietly] Just let him in.
House , No.
Wilson , [pounding again] House!
House ," If we just ignore him, he'll go away."
Wilson , [more pounding] House!
House ," [whispering] I think he finally left. But just in case he hasn't, what can we do that does not involve talking? [She smiles and they lean in for a kiss. There's a clanging noise. House's phone, which is in the ice bucket, rings. He grabs it.] You turned on my ringer!"
Wilson , [voice] I know you're in there. I can hear your cell phone ringing.
Cuddy , Just let him in.
House ," No! He's like a stray... he'll eat Everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor. [answering the phone] Hi. This is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last Patient. So feel free to go about your day without worry. Beep!"
Wilson , House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy gonna say?
House ," If this is still Wilson... she gave me the day off. And tomorrow. [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow. But today. I'm fine. Now, go away. [pause] Beep!"
Wilson ," If you're not in tomorrow, I'll be back."
Thirteen ," Look, you're the only neurosurgeon we've got. You have to suck it up and go back to the hospital."
Chase ," We're not asking you to operate, just to be there."
Richardson ," Unless you can transport this t""�toilet with me, I'm not leaving the room."
Chase , I'll get a bucket.
Richardson , You're missing the point. I ate bad sushi. I'm sick. Go away.
Chase , We can give you promethazine for the nausea.
Richardson , Already took it. And trimethobenzamide.
Thirteen ," [quietly, to Chase] Maybe this isn't food poisoning."
Chase ," WhatEver it is, it must have damaged the lining of his stomach. Till that heals, nothing's gonna work."
Thirteen , So we need to treat both that and the nausea.
Chase , And whatEver's wrong with him.
Thirteen , We give him ondansetron and prostaglandins.
Chase , And whatEver's wrong with him. Neither of those will treat any possible underlying condition.
Thirteen , Who cares? He's not our Patient. The hospital is.
Richardson , I can... hear you.
Thirteen ," [crouParkng next to Richardson] You're pretty miserable, aren't you? Would you be willing to take a... fairly risky drug if it would make it all go away?"
Cuddy , Why didn't you let him in?
House , You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I.
Cuddy , You were hiding me from him. Why?
House ," I was not hiding you. I was protecting your privacy. Wasn't sure if you were ready to go public with the whole... ""us"" thing yet."
Cuddy ," Why would I be doing all this if I wanted it to be private? [She sigh as she reaches down and picks up his blue, button down shirt. He strokes her back.]"
Chase , Have you read the list of side effects on those drugs? We could crash his BP.
Thirteen ," I haven't heard a thump, so I assume he's still quietly puking."
Chase , We could be making him worse.
Thirteen ," Bigger picture � we're making the hospital better. We can test for whatEver you want to test him for once he's stable enough to get back to the hospital. Now, stop being a girl and move. [pause] So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial, and by ask, I mean give me your opinion?"
Chase ," No. There is one thing, though. Will you have sex with me?"
Thirteen , What?
Chase ," Well, this trial means you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up."
Richardson , Wow. That stuff is good.
Thirteen , Think you can make it back to the hospital?
Richardson ," Uh-huh. That lamp is shiny. I mean, the way it shines is... shiny."
Chase , I take it this is one of the side effects of the drugs.
Thirteen , Who cares? Let's go.
Cuddy , What are you doing?
House , You think I'm afraid to go public? I'm gonna prove you wrong.
House ," With a sex tape. We'll send it to Wilson. It's a win-win. We get to do it again, and... he might actually learn something."
Cuddy , [whispers] It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
Wilson , Hey.
House , Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. [He lowers the sword then uses it to scoop the tea kettle from the stove.] Chamomile or English breakfast?
Wilson , Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
House , [fills the kettle] You didn't get my message earlier?
Wilson ," Yeah. But as someone once told me, Everybody lies."
House ," [puts the kettle on the stove] I'm fine. Just staying home, Parkll-laxin'."
Wilson ," Your Patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year."
House , Or... I'm ignoring you for a different reason. [confidentially] Sex with my girlfriend.
Wilson ," Hmm. [pushes at the window again] Will you please just � please let me in? [House slides the window up then wheels the trolley ""� and Wilson ""� into the kitchen. After a moment, Wilson lowers his feet from the window sill and stands.] Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?"
House , She's not a hooker.
Wilson , [looking around] What are � wha � really?
House ," Begins with ""C"", ends with ""uddy.""�"
Wilson , [huge sigh] How Many Vicodin have you taken?
House ," I'm serious. Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There's an ""I"" in Cuddy."
Wilson , House... it's okay. Almost all addicts relapse a few times.
House , [gesturing for Wilson to follow him] She's in my bedroom.
Wilson ," You're hallucinating, House."
House , [calling as they walk down the hall] Honey buns! We got company.
Wilson , Pupils are normal. Pulse is normal.
House , Better than that. They're both totally awesome. I'm not on drugs.
Wilson , So... why did you lie about Cuddy?
House , To make a point. PRobably something to do with shutting you up. It's my go-to idea.
Wilson ," You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watParkng monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better."
House , No. You go.
Wilson , House... you could have died. You had a Patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone.
House ," I know. That's why I called a hooker. [hops down and escorts Wilson to the living room] Now, go away. 'Cause... you'll be extra."
Wilson , Are you really okay?
House , Are you gonna break in again? You checked my pulse. You checked my pupils. I'll mail you the urine sample.
Richardson ," How come I've nEver Even m""�met you guys? Y""�you're like the greatest... guys. [looks at the overhead light fixture] You know fluorescent lights flicker at the same frequency as the huMan brain?"
Taub , You know the huMan brain doesn't flicker?
Alex , Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he can't perform brain surgery. What's wrong with him?
Taub , High... blood sugar. [Thirteen nods.] He'll be fine as soon as we rehydrate him.
Richardson , That's a relief.
Alex , [checks his watch] Thank God. DPH guy will be here in 20 minutes.
Taub , What is wrong with him?
Richardson , High blood sugar. You just said so.
Thirteen , Chase is running labs. Right now the top two contenders are hepatitis and peptic ulcer disease.
Taub , So... is today really your last day?
Thirteen , Flying out tomorrow.
Taub , How long a leave are you taking?
Thirteen , Depends.
Taub , On the drug trial. Sounds risky.
Thirteen ," Yadda, yadda. You don't think I should do it. Message heard."
Taub , No. I approve. Living fast and dying young is crap. If you have a chance to get better... I say good for you.
House ," I brought Wilson in here specifically to go public, just like you requested."
Cuddy ," I pressured you. Wilson coming through the window pressured you. If you're forced into this, it's not gonna work. [long pause] Do you have any response to that?"
House , Game on.
Alex , Is he better?
Chase , Yep.
Alex ," You're lying to me again, aren't you?"
Chase , Yep.
Alex , Then we're screwed. Don't we have to tell�
Chase , Oh! Damn. [turns to Malkin] Dr. Richardson's prepping for surgery.
Malkin , Yeah. I need to talk to him.
Chase , He's prepping for surgery.
Malkin , So you said. I just need to confirm he is who you say he is and that he's a licensed neurosurgeon.
Chase ," Well, here's his paperwork. [Malkin puts on his glasses to inspect the papers on the clipboard Chase hands him.] His hospital I.D.'s right there. You can... see it's him."
Malkin , Yeah. I should still talk to him.
Chase , They've already scrubbed. He'd have to be re-sterilized. The Patient's anesthesia would have to be adjusted.
Malkin , [takes off his glasses. to Alex] Why did you report he wasn't here?
Alex , I must have... misunderstood.
Richardson ," Oh... why... why... why is it so... so hot in there? Oh! [He pulls off his mask, followed by the shirt of his scrubs. Malkin stares.] Ahh. [Richardson turns, untying his pants as he leaves.] La-dee-dah. Woodstock, baby."
Malkin , Is he stoned?
Chase , No. We're pretty sure he's got�
Malkin ," Oh, I'm sure you have an explanation, but I don't care. See, you need to have a doctor on the premises who can actually do neurosurgery. Tell the attending to divert all ambulances away and start calling other hospitals and see who can take your stabilized ICU Patients. Those departments are shutting down."
Cuddy ," ""Design"" for five points."
House , Got it.
Cuddy ," ""Hear."""
House , Got it. Both versions.
Cuddy ," ""Love."" [pause. He looks up.] You didn't see love."
House , Wow. I didn't think you'd take my lack of board game skills so personally.
Cuddy , Why didn't you tell me you loved me?
House ," Didn't a wise Woman once say � and by once, I mean two hours ago � ""why do you have to analyze Everything to death? Why can't this just be nice?"""
Cuddy , [puts down her pad] I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern?
House , No. 'Cause words don't matter. Actions matter.
Cuddy , You're really gonna take a stand here. You can't say�
House , Nope.
Cuddy , Why?
House ," Because... I forgot to grab a ""v."""
Cuddy , Lobe. Gets you one point. One.
Chase , Labs show he's negative for Everything.
Taub , I'm guessing at least one of them is wrong.
Thirteen , Who cares? The E.R. and the ICU are half-empty and the place is crawling with suits. It's over.
Chase ," You do know we still have a sick Patient here. Right? He's the guy sitting right behind you, taking off his clothes again."
Taub ," [running over to Richardson] Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, why don't you just sit down and take it easy?"
Chase , He should be coming down by now.
Richardson , And yet... I'm not.
Foreman , What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
Chase , Thank you. What causes delirium and nausea?
Taub ," He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental."
Richardson , [undoing his shirt cuffs] Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. [They all stare at him.] Freedom is my birthright.
Foreman , Where did you go?
Richardson , The Seafood Festival at the Convention Center.
Thirteen , We're screwed. Seafood Festival has stuff from all around the world in combinations nobody Ever thought of. We could be here all year.
Chase , [leaning in close] You had shrimp?
Richardson , Uh-huh.
Chase , And crab? Lobster?
Richardson , Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Chase , And...
Richardson , I ate whatEver looked good.
Thirteen , [has an idea] Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs?
Richardson , Nummy!
Thirteen ," Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high. If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting. [Richardson is smiling and unbuttoning his shirt.] If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon."
Cuddy ," Um... France. And not Paris or the Rivera, but there's this place in NorMandy. It's on a... a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called..."
House , Mont Saint-Michel?
Cuddy , That's it. Have you been there?
House ," Nope. But I got a pretty good idea what it looks like. [He turns the computer toward her, taps a button and the screen is filled with a picture of Mont Saint-Michel.]"
Cuddy ," H""�how did you know?"
House , You used to have a picture of it as a screensaver.
Cuddy , That was years ago.
House ," I guess it's a memorable place. [turns the computer toward himself again] Now, unfortunately, we can't fly straight to NorMandy, but the layover in London's only a couple of hours."
Cuddy , What are you talking about?
House ," It's all there. [shows her a screen of travel information] All you gotta do is click confirm, and we're eating croissant and being insulted by stinky people this time tomorrow. Don't worry. I used Wilson's credit card."
Cuddy , I can't.
House , I'm kidding. I used your credit card.
Cuddy , House...
House , The hospital does not need your body. I do.
Cuddy , So does my daughter.
House ," Well, she can come too. Or to grandmother's House she can go."
Cuddy , This is crazy.
House ," [His face starts to get the closed, guarded look it usually has.] So...you break off your engagement, but you won't adjust your schedule."
Cuddy ," I can't. Not... tomorrow. But... two weekends from now. If Rachel's gonna stay with my mom, I'm gonna need a little bit of prep time."
House , [His face softens and he smiles slightly.] Okay.
Richardson , What if it doesn't work? What if I stay this way forEver?
Thirteen ," The antidote works quickly. If we're right, you should be back to your old self in no time."
Richardson , My old self was boring. Can't we keep the new self?
Thirteen ," Just lay down, and stop unbuttoning."
Foreman , I'm sorry that I read your note and looked in your locker.
Thirteen , You get used to that kind of thing around here.
Foreman , Do you have anyone going with you to Rome?
Thirteen , Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else?
Foreman ," I hope you are. I mean... I hope you have someone with you. If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel. You shouldn't be alone. If you want... I could fly over for a few days. Friends."
Thirteen ," I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay. I guess we took the long way around to being friends, huh?"
Richardson , I guess we all did.
Cuddy , Thank you. For Everything.
House , You're welcome. For Everything.
Cuddy , I'll see you tomorrow. [She goes to the door. He hasn't moved. His head hangs a bit.] I really do have to leave.
House ," [nods, quietly] I know."
Cuddy , What's the pRoblem?
House , This isn't gonna work.
Cuddy , That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up.
House , It's just a statement of fact. It's not a Debatable proposition.
Cuddy , Right. Because you can see the future.
House ," No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true."
Alex ," Mercy doesn't have enough room in their ICU to handle the overflow, so�"
Chase ," Don't worry about it. [He, Richardson and Thirteen stride up. Richardson is wearing a suit and tie.] I beliEve you wanted to talk to Dr. Richardson, our neurosurgeon?"
Richardson , I'm sorry that we met under such trying circumstances. I hope you restore our rating as a lEvel one Trauma Center and reopen the E.R. and the ICU immediately.
Thirteen , An accidental case of poisoning. Dr. Richardson has been treated and is ready to resume work.
Malkin , Hmm. Touch your nose with your index finger and tell me how you treat a cerebral contusion.
Richardson ," [doing it with each hand in turn] Uh, I""�I""�I would watch for edema and transtentorial herniation."
Malkin , Good enough. Turn it around.
Chase , [to Alex] You're gonna be up late. Next time... [whispers] Avoid responsibility. [to Thirteen] Cake? Taub thought we should have a little party to see you off properly. He gets sentimental about these things.
Thirteen , I nEver should have flashed him.
Chase ," Speaking of which... Earlier today I asked you about... having sex. You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no. HowEver, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I... didn't follow up and confirm. See? It's the same look. So if it didn't mean no the first time, then..."
Thirteen ," No. No. No, no. No."
Chase , [smiling] Okay. No pressure.
Thirteen , Does that method Ever work?
Chase ," At least once. [She smiles and hugs him tightly.] Mm, I'm, um... Getting mixed signals."
Thirteen , See you at the cake.
Cuddy , The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.
House , 'Cause it doesn't.
Cuddy , You don't know that.
House , I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again to you. But because of one stupid moment with a dying girl and a pile of rubble... you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.
Cuddy ," I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible Man I've Ever known. [near tears] You are always gonna be... the most incredible Man I have Ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now."
House ," [quietly, sincerely] I love you."
Taub , [looking around] Where's Thirteen?
Foreman , I don't think she's coming.
Chase , What's going on?
Foreman , She's not going to Rome.
Taub , You mean she changed her mind?
Foreman , I called the hospital in Rome to see when she was schedule for surgery.
Chase , Why would you�
Foreman ," Doesn't matter. Point is, she's not Even in the trial. NEver heard of her. She's been lying to us all day."
Chase ," Well, have you tried�"
Foreman , Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone.
Cuddy , [smiling] It's gonna be great.
House , [almost inaudible] Yeah.
Announcer , Let's hear it for Della Carr.
Boy in wheelchair ," Dude, your sister kicks serious ass."
Hugo ," Competed in the boys' league this year. Kicked their asses too. (Della ends her round in front of the kids. Most of them are in wheelchairs, some have crutches)."
Hugo ," Nice job, Del. You�"
Della ," I went faster on the 50-50. You were right. All right, who wants a turn now? (All the boys lift their arm. She laughs, takes her helmet off and starts to push her brother's wheelchair). Yeah, yeah, I'm a little biased."
Della , Whoo!
Hugo , Whoa!
 ," Custom decks. Start the bidding at 400 bucks. Trust me, the kids'll force their parents to buy them. (Her husband comes to her)."
George , You got to see this. (He takes her to the handrail and they look at Della running around pushing Hugo. George looks at his wife).
George ," You made a great Event today, hon. (They smile at each other)."
Della , Fast enough for you?
Hugo ," I'm already in a wheelchair. What are you so afraid of? (Della suddenly let go of the wheelchair and stops. The wheelchair gains speed. Della looks away, falls hard on the floor and doesn't move any more)."
Hugo , That wasn't what I meant. (He turns around and sees his sister on the floor). Della? You okay? Mom! Dad!
House , We got to stop Parking like this. People are gonna talk.
Cuddy ," Well, that's why I plan on doing some talking first. (She pats his arm). I want us to formally report our relationship to HuMan Resources."
House ," Okay. You get them, I'll cover Everybody else. (He pushes the elevator button with the tip of his cane)."
Cuddy , I would appreciate it if we could keep it quiet until we had that meeting.
House , It's gonna be hard with me grabbing your ass all day.
Cuddy ," Grabbing stops at the threshold... (House grabs her ass, firmly; she jumps a little)... of the Parking garage."
House , Handicapped plates. I got special access. (She smiles and frees herself; they enter the elevator).
Cuddy , I just don't want our relationship affecting our jobs. Or the other way around. (Elevator closes.)
 ," Why, Dr. Cuddy, how was your weekend? (He gives her an exaggerated wink)."
Cuddy , I got a call about a case for you. 14-year-old. EMTs think her heart stopped�
 , Sounds great.
Cuddy , You haven't seen it yet.
House , I sense something fascinating about it.
 , I'm gonna get us in to see HR this afternoon. Think you can hold your tongue till then? (She gives him the file).
 , Mom... (Seriously) Fine. People are gonna know soon enough. I think I can hold it till lunch. (He almost smiles. Cuddy smiles back and goes to her office. House watch her going and looks quite happy.)
House ," I'm seeing Cuddy. (All heads up). Generally, without her clothes on. Use your imagination. Hope it's got a wide-angle lens. (He chuckles. They all stare at him, looking confused. He takes back the file Wilson was reading). You don't actually need that."
 , I'm gonna check my office for whoopee cushions.
House , This is not a prank.
Wilson , This is not me walking out the door. (He leaves).
Taub , Really? You and Cuddy?
House ," For realz. Foreman can translate. So Junior Miss Everything � skateboarder, basketballer, science clubber, seal clubber (Pauses). I'm actually guessing with that last one. Healthy one day, heart arrhythmia the next."
Taub , Are you sure it's a good idea to be yanking on the chain of comMand?
 ," Way to go, House. I'm surprised you two didn't get together sooner."
 ," EKG, echo and head CT are all spotless. There's nothing on her neurological exam."
House ," Interesting. (He points his cane at Foreman, then Taub, then Chase) In favor, indignant, indifferent. Think I'd like a female perspective. Or Thirteen's. Where is she?"
Taub , She's gone.
Foreman ," She said she was taking a leave of absence. (He takes out Thirteen's letter, and hands it to House, who reads it). Wanted us to think it was for a Huntington's study in Rome. They've nEver heard of her."
Taub, Cell and home phone are disconnected. Apartment's already been vaCated. And what's with the death's head cane?
 ," They didn't have a death's ass cane in my size. (Looks up). Well, I guess we'll just have to wait. (He throws the letter on the table). Conditions that cause intermittent heart arrhythmias."
Taub ," Three years, you've been trying to game out Thirteen. Now you don't care?"
House ," Sorry. Not caring about Thirteen is not part of the differential for heart arrhythmia, but you do get a home version of the game."
 ," Patient's brother has sEvere, congenital muscular dystrophy. Life expectancy of about 25. If she's had a latent case of it..."
House , Wouldn't be sudden onset. Foreman!
Foreman , Do you know something about Thirteen that we don't?
House , She's entitled to her privacy. Just as I'm entitled to a diagnosis.
Taub , And you're glossing over Thirteen's departure because you actually respect somebody's privacy?
House ," I agree. It's weird of me not to care. So either I'm a changed Man because of Cuddy, or I'm pretending to be a changed Man because I do know something about Thirteen and I'm trying to throw you off the scent, or I've just gone nutty bananas because I lost a Patient. All of which you are free to discuss (Articulating) after I get a diagnosis."
 ," If it's Long QT Syndrome, any startling stimulus in that skate Park could have triggered the arrhythmia. Loud noise, flashing lights."
House ," Scare the Patient to death to confirm Long QT. (They all frown. House shrugs). Fine. If you insist, do it in a room with one of those thingamabobs that brings people back to life."
Foreman , Scare test is insane.
Taub , Scare test is legitimate. Simulates real world conditions. This fling with Cuddy is insane. Flare gun? Scary enough?
Foreman , How about just telling her we're planning this stupid test? And I'm hoping House and Cuddy are more than just a fling. It's clearly mellowed him out. He didn't Even care about Thirteen.
Taub ," Right. The guy who ordered us to stop the Patient's heart has mellowed out. It's gonna be horrible because it's doomed, which is just gonna make House 50 times more of a crank. (Has an epiphany). Firecrackers! We can hide 'em under one of those covered food trays. (Taub leaves hastily. Foreman looks worried)."
House , Find any itParkng powder in your hanky? Any fake poo in your desk drawer?
Wilson ," Yes, the lack of dime-store pranks is proof that you're actually dating Cuddy, and not just mocking me for being worried about you."
 , What do I have to do to prove this to you? Tattoo a cane on her inner thigh? Tattoo her inner thigh on my cane? (Cuddy enters).
Cuddy ," You told Everybody, didn't you?"
House , Repeatedly. This one's not buying it. Need a little help.
Cuddy , I'm not selling it. It's time for our meeting at HuMan Resources.
 ," Hmm. HuMan Resources. Now, why would I need to go to HuMan Resources?"
Wilson ," House, you've been to HuMan Resources 74 times in the last six weeks."
House ," NEver after doing this. (He bends down to kiss Cuddy, who stops him)."
Wilson ," Well, I'm convinced."
 , Come on. One peck. Just enough to arouse him a little.
Wilson ," I ""� hey, I'm not Even..."
Cudddy ," If I confirm it, can we leave?"
 , Yes.
 ," It's true. (Wilson raises a suspicious eyebrow. She rolls her eyes, takes House by the Parkn and kisses him briefly on the mouth.)"
 , I've been more passionate with my great aunt.
 ," Mabel? Up high! (Cuddy, deadly serious, moves her right arm and grabs House's crotch. He doesn't move at all. The camera changes and we see Wilson's face, frozen, looking at House's crotch lEvel and then at Cuddy)."
 ," We done here? (Cut to House's face. He is silent but his eyes are sParkling. Wilson, still looking at crotch lEvel, gives an imperceptible nod, wordlessly. Cuddy leaves.)"
 ," She didn't Even ask me to cough. (he goes after her and calls) Think you straightened out my limp a little. (Realisation dawns on Wilson, who Manages a small smile while looking still startled)."
HR guy , How would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
 ," You Ever see Wild Kingdom? Those insects that rip their partner's heads off after copulating? (He turns to Cuddy for approval. There is an akward silence. Ernest Griffin considers this and starts to write it down. Cuddy, who was preparing to speak, stops and looks startled.)"
Cuddy , It's a sexual relationship.
House , Go slowly now. He's writing it down.
Cuddy ," I beliEve that I can still supervise Dr. House effectively, but we both want to follow hospital policy to the letter."
HR guy ," Our concern is to make sure that there's no conflict of interest, no liability for the hospital."
 , You think we're gonna sue if things go south? (Confidently) Let me tell you. She actually does go�
Cuddy ," House. Let him talk. (She tries hard not to smile, does not look at House and intently listens to HR guy. House stares at her and looks like he really enjoys it)."
HR guy ," I, uh, know that you're not going to sue, because you are both going to sign love contracts. (Handles them contracts). Consensual relationship agreements."
 ," Well, obviously outside counsel will have to review the crotchless undies clause."
HR guy ," Uh, we'll also need to watch for any favoritism toward Dr. House. (House takes out a pen, hands it to Cuddy; she signs the file)."
House , Does that mean she has to sleep with Everyone?
 , I promise not to give him a raise or a promotion of any kind.
House , There's got to be a joke there about keeping up with inflation.
HR guy , Or bias against him. Are there any supervisory issues with Dr. House's current case load?
House ," No, her case is solved. Patient has Long QT. Gonna scare her into cardiac arrest to confirm it."
Cuddy ," No, we're not."
House ," Okay, no, we're not. (He pockets the pen). See? Everything's under control. (He smiles)."
Cuddy , I know you're still planning your ridiculous scare test. The Patient is nowhere near sick enough to justify the risk. An angiogram and an E.P. study are much safer and very effective.
House ," Fair point. Not doing the scare test. (Cuddy stops walking. House turns back to her). I'd invite you to watch me not doing the test, but having not done it Many times before, trust me, it's pretty not interesting."
Taub , House?
House , Scare test was not approved. Do an angio and E.P. study instead.
Taub ," First of all, that's not as effective as� (House shuts the phone. Cuddy nods and leaves)."
George , How come you're not doing the more specialized test?
Taub , This test is virtually just as effective. And Dr. House puts a premium on Patient safety.
Hugo , But frequently changes his mind.
Della ," Hugo, give him a break. I'm fine."
Foreman , You should go to the bathroom before we go. We've been hydrating you for quite a while.
Della , I don't have to pee.
Taub ," Once we start the test, you won't be able to move for at least an hour."
Della , I really don't have to pee.
Foreman , How much fluid have we given her?
 , 2.5 liters. When's the last time you went to the bathroom?
Della ," Last night, I guess. (Foreman and Taub look at each other)."
Claire , What does that mean?
Foreman , Your daughter's kidneys seem to be failing.
 , So what could cause her heart to stop and her urine not to drop?
Taub ," House, I was expecting your relationship with Cuddy to compliCate our work long-term. (House turns back, gives him a Patient, fake-polite look). I am now concerned it might be affecting us short-term. All due respect."
House ," None taken. I listen to Cuddy all the time. She's my boss. Also yours, by the way."
Taub ," You'd listen, then tell her she's being an idiot, and do whatEver you want."
House ," I find I can skip the idiot part when she's not being an idiot, and since the scare test would have led to the same dead end, she was right to stop it. Which means your pRoblem's about you."
Taub , This should be interesting.
House ," Losers love company. And if Even a misanthrope like me has a chance at happiness, it's gonna be pretty lonely on that landfill of loserdom you call a marriage. (Taub looks a little hurt, Foreman smiles. House opens the Patient's file). Heart, kidneys, go."
Foreman , Could be Fabry disease. Lipid deposition in her tissues.
Chase , Dad's history was clean.
Foreman , What about protein deposits? They wouldn't show in her parents' history.
House , Amyloidosis. Explains both the symptoms. Marrow transplant to treat. Brother's a match. (Gives Taub the file) Confirm and do.
 Maurice ," I been experiencing fatigue, and � and weakness."
House , Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're... 102 years old.
 Sidney , Usually he's strong as an ox.
House , 102-year-old ox.
Sidney , He has tingling in his feet and his legs. I want a full battery of tests.
House , Carbon dating?
Sidney , I'll pay cash if it's not covered.
House , That's nice of you to float your friend.
Sidney , He's not my friend. He's my father. He's 22 years older than me.
 ," Well, that's true, he's definitely had his jowls done. Statistically, if he didn't have these symptoms, he'd be like most people of his age � dead for the past sEveral decades."
Maurice , Do the tests. I'm sick.
House , You have a bad case of natural causes.
 , Do the damn tests.
House ," If the vial fills with sand, we take that as a bad sign."
Della , Hugo should be here. Why'd you ask him to leave?
Taub , We wanted to be able to discuss this openly.
Della , But it obviously affects him.
Calire ," Honey, let the doctor finish."
Taub ," It's a standard procedure. We use general anesthesia, harvest a very small amount of�"
Della , No. I'm not taking my brother's marrow.
George ," Del, it's�"
Taub ," These harvests are harmless. With the meds we give, there's almost no pain, almost no risk of infection."
Della , Almost? His life's hard enough as it is.
Taub , Small pRoblem with the treatment.
House , Patient won't take marrow from steel wheels?
Taub , We're finding another match. And how do you know?
House ," What other pRoblem could there be with a pRoblem-free procedure? Boy's sports, science club, she's living his life, not hers. (He puts the file away, takes another, looks at Taub). Makes sense she's being a self-denying moron."
Taub , She loves her brother. She's thinking selflessly. How is that at all�
House, Being moronic? Mm. If I can only think of a harm-free medical treatment she turned down lately.
Taub ," You're right. If Everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place."
House ," See? I can skip the idiot part when you're not being an idiot. (He turns to leave the Clinic. Wilson is leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed, with a huge smile on his face)."
House ," Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 48 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time. (They pass the door and walk together, as usual)."
Wilson , I'm happy for you. You're happy for you. This is huge. So who's gonna supervise you?
House , Cuddy.
Wilson ," Well, I guess maybe that can work."
House , Maybe? Nothing's changed.
Wilson , You showed up for clinic hours. (Emphatically). Voluntarily.
 , Fine. A little bit has changed.
Wilson ," House, Everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring your Patient to death."
House , You talked to Taub.
Wilson , He's worried about you.
House , He's a jerk.
Wilson , I'm worried too.
House , Do I need to say it?
Wilson , I want this to work.
House ," I'm not doing anything differently. She changed my mind about one diagnostic test. And she was right. (He enters the elevator). Even though it's your emotional default, stop worrying. (He bows a little). I can handle it. (Elevator closes)."
Taub , I hear you're a pretty fierce skateboarder.
 , I do okay.
Taub ," All your activities, don't they seem like things a 16-year-old boy would do? Some people might think you're trying to live his life for him."
 ," I am. Sort of. Um, I got into skateboarding when some of Hugo's classmates did, and he realized he could nEver do it. (She looks outside of the room, where Chase is talking to her parents and Hugo). It's the same with a lot of things. We live through it together."
Taub , And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial?
Della , You've nEver been inspired by someone?
Taub ," Why don't you take your pills? (He turns away. Della swallows, coughs, gasps, begins to spit out lots of blood)."
 , Need some help in here. (Chase turns and rushes in the room. Della is still coughing blood).
Taub , Hemothorax. We need to bronch her now.
Chase , Clear an O.R. She's drowning in her own blood.
Taub ," It's not Amyloidosis. (Chase, Taub and a nurse take Della's bed to the OR. Taub is giving her oxygen. She gasps.)"
House , She's bleeding to death. Out of her lung. I want to fill a quarter of it with foam.
Cuddy ," That'd stop the bleeding, all right."
House , Thought it made more sense than diet and exercise.
Cuddy ," And if she doesn't have enough lung function left, you'll have killed her."
 ," The only alternative is slowly suturing the lung, hoping that the bleeding stops in time and she doesn't die on her own. But we would walk away with clean hands. Except for all the blood."
Cuddy , You're right. Faster and riskier's better. Foam the lung. (She goes downstairs. House turns back to the OR).
Chase , Got a green light?
 , No. Suture the lung.
Chase ," Scalpel, rib spreader. (House is thinking hard)."
House , I can't handle it.
 , What happened?
 ," She said ""yes,"" and I heard ""no."" I didn't actually hear ""no."" But I just... was sure that's what she meant. Way she tilted her head and half-arched her eyebrow. What do I Even care what she meant? She said yes. That's all that matters. I'm screwing this up."
Wilson ," It's not completely bad, House. You care enough to pull your punches. That's not a bad thing. But you and Cuddy have got to figure out a way of avoiding this pRoblem. Set some ground rules."
House , Yeah (Wilson looks genuinely surprised). I have to avoid this pRoblem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants...
Wilson ," Yeah, that's not avoiding the pRoblem, that's avoiding the issue."
House ," Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. (He seems reliEved). Thanks."
Wilson , No pRoblem. (He goes back to whatEver paperwork he was doing before).
Chase , StitParkng worked.
Taub , This time. No guarantee bowing to Cuddy will work next time. (House gives him a look).
House ," Heart arrhythmia, kidney failure, and now bleeding lung."
Taub ," I don't want to criticize your girlfriend, but�"
House ," Hey, you've been on me for years to respect someone's opinion (He starts packing). Just 'cause I had to go outside this group to find one I respect. (Taub raises his eyebrows)."
Foreman , Multi-system involvement centered in the lung. Sarcoidosis?
Chase , Doesn't explain the hemothorax.
Foreman, TB can affect all three organs.
Taub , Skin test was negative.
Foreman ," What about Goodpasture's? Affects the lungs, kidneys."
House ," And autoimmune explains the out of the blue arrhythmia. Goodpasture's it is. Immunosuppressants and plasmapheresis to treat, kidney biopsy to confirm. (He takes his backpack and leaves)."
 , Dr. House.
House ," Don't tell me, your father's hairline is receding, and he needs more tests."
Sidney ," He's 102. His next test is an autopsy. Look, I love the old Man, but I got to get him out of the damn House. He can't do anything without me. He needs to be in a care facility."
House ," Well, so tell him. He's a big boy now."
Sidney , I can't. I'm his whole life. But if it comes from a doctor... (He holds out his wallet and slips House a twenty).
House , That's very generous. When you were 30.
 ," Pretend to run the tests, and then tell him... He can't live with me anymore."
Cuddy , I didn't run into you all afternoon. I missed you.
House , Busy day.
Cuddy , Maybe we should plan on lunch tomorrow.
House ," PRoblem is, at lunch you tend to wear tops.(Cuddy smiles widely. He lifts the sheet and takes a look). This is much better. (Cuddy laughs. He smiles and kisses her forehead, then lifts himself and prepares to kiss her properly. The phone rings. Cuddy frowns. He reaches for his phone and answers. During the whole conversation, Cuddy caresses his forearm and traces one of his veins)."
House , Cuddy and I are naked. So I'm having trouble focusing. Use small words.
 ," Kidney biopsy was clean, so we rechecked the piece of her lung from the O.R."
House ," You lost me. Sorry, who is this calling again?"
Chase , It's not Goodpasture's. There's intimal thickening of the blood vessels.
Foreman, And lymphocytic infiltrate. We tested for LAM. It's positive.
Chase," Plus her lung's fried. She needs a donor lung to live, which is the only treatment for LAM, anyway."
Foreman , Taub's gone to the transplant committee. They may have found a donor lung.
House ," So this call is purely expositional. (He shuts his cell phone and throws it away, then goes back to kissing Cuddy)."
 , I should really get dressed. I told the nanny I'd be home by 9 :00.
House ," And I slipped the nanny 40 bucks, told her to stay till 10 :00."
Cuddy ,Really?
 ," Mm-hmm, really. (Cuddy brings him back to her. They kiss again)."
Chase , Good news. (The parents hug).
Foreman ," Surgery was unEventful, but the donor lung started failing about an hour into recovery."
Taub , We know we're right about LAM. Tests confirmed it.
House , That leaves us with two options. Body's rejecting the new lung or we should have rejected the new lung because it's infected.
Chase ," Let's biopsy, see which one it is."
Taub , No guarantee we'd hit the affected spot.
Foreman ," If we give steroids for rejection, it'd make an infection worse. If we give antibiotics for infection, it'd make rejection worse."
House , Which worse is worse?
Chase ," If we treat for infection and we're wrong, she'll be dead within hours."
House , And if we treat for rejection and we're wrong?
Taub , She'll pRobably hang on a day or two.
Foreman ," You're assuming her rejection's hyperacute. Odds are, it isn't."
House ," Gotta head off the worst worse first. I studied under Dr. Seuss. Start with IV methylprednisolone for hyperacute rejection. If that fails, we'll switch her to broad-spectrum antibiotics and hope we're not too late. (They all get up and leave, except Taub who does not move and looks at his nails.)"
House , Cat got your legs?
 ," We just decided to give meds that could kill the Patient based on a guess. You need approval from Cuddy, and she'll want to take the safer course, and you're gonna fold like an origami crane, so... (He takes the file). I'll just wait here till we get our actual orders."
House ," Fine. You do it. (Taub freezes, file in hand). Tell her she's being an idiot for always choosing the safer course. She's sitting on her ample, if well-formed, bureaucratic ass while our Patient's dying. We'll see who folds like an origami shrimp."
Taub , You want me to get Cuddy's approval?
House , I gotta be somewhere important.
Taub , Sitting at your desk?
House , I'm running late. (He turns back to his office. Taub gets up and goes to see Cuddy).
Maurice , Forget the tests.
 , I think Junior might have a few words to say about that.
Maurice ," I love him, but he can't let go."
 , 40 bucks says he can.
Maurice ," I can't do anything without him helping me like I'm senile. If I go back there, I'm gonna rip his throat out."
House , You sure you won't warm up to him over time?
 , Skip the blood work. (House suppress a smile). Tell my son it's grim news. I need to be in a nursing home. A private room. (Pause) Make it a suite.
House ," Be our little secret. (He pockets the note. Maurice goes to leave, but is stuck by a Very Angry Cuddy briskly entering House's office. Taub follows)."
 , I sit around on my bureaucratic ass?
Taub , I was relaying your words.
 , I said well-formed. I said well-formed! (to Taub) What were you�
Taub , I needed to be aggressive.
House , You're an idiot.
Taub , She was siding with Foreman's analysis.
Cuddy , The odds are against it being hyperacute rejection.
House ," Stop. I agree with you (He gives a little sigh. Taub is speechless). That was our analysis from the start. (to Taub) If you've got a pRoblem with a team decision, you come to me. (to Cuddy, sheepishly) I'm sorry. I-I'll deal with him later. (Pleadingly) I said well-formed. (Cuddy leaves. House bends his head in defeat)."
 , People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones.
 , She does have great cans. (House gives him a look).
 ," Cuddy has House on such a short leash, she might as well start giving him chew toys."
Chase , Let's give the antibiotics at least another hour.
Taub , Amazing. And House hasn't given you one ounce of grief for your complete lack of interest in his love life?
Chase , Did it Ever occur to you that House is just happy and could give a crap about other people's lives because of it?
Taub ," Well, that's ironic and depressing. And by that logic, the reason you don't give a crap is because you're happy, which means you've got someone new giving you chew toys."
Chase , You're one-fourth right.
Taub , Wait. Are you saying... (pagers beep) You're dating four women? (Chase cocks his head. They both look at their pagers and run away).
Chase , BP's dropping. Means the antibiotics aren't working.
Taub , Put her in Trendelenburg.
George , Can you save the lung?
Taub ," BeliEve it or not, we got a better chance now. This means rejection, not infection."
Chase , Start her on IV methylprednisolone right away.
Wilson , Wow. You hate salad. She's really got you tied up in knots.
 ," I caved. Through an intermediary. I need a plan ""C."""
Wilson ," What you need is a plan that you actually dEvelop with Cuddy. (He takes a fork and eats salad from House's plate. House looks at him, worried. Taub and Chase enter the Cafeteria and stop at the table)."
Taub , Antibiotics didn't work and then steroids didn't work.
Chase ," The new lung's ruined, and it's not rejection or infection. The only two options were wrong."
House , Unless it's not LAM.
Chase , It is LAM. The tests were positive.
House , Then the tests have to be wrong.
 , Deep-fryer's working again. (Pointing at the salad) Still working on that?
House ," No, it was here when I sat down. I need to think. (He gets up and leaves. Wilson stills, fork in hand)."
Hugo , I want to make sure you're trying Everything to save my sister.
House ," Everything? Well, that must be it. See, I thought you guys checked the box marked, ""try Every other thing."""
 ," I'm the one that's supposed to die first. I'm the damaged one, not her. She nEver Even gets a cold."
House ," Damage has a way of spreading to Everyone around you. For example, your obvious emotional damage is now making me have a philosophical conversation instead of dealing with your sister. See how that might be damaging? (House starts to leave, then stops and turn back to Hugo). NEver?"
House ," When was the last time you had a cold? Any minor aches, swelling, anything?"
Claire , It's been years. She nEver gets colds.
House , I didn't ask when's the last time she mentioned it. I asked when she had one � Even a tiny one. (He takes her oxygen mask away so she can speak).
Della , It's nothing. Sometimes my ears ache a little.
 , So now tell me the rest of the nothing.
Della ," M""�my chest... Soreness. Some congestion."
George , You nEver said anything about that.
Della , I barely noticed it until that skateboarding tournament in Denver.
House , How long ago?
Della , A... year? Cold's nothing when I think of what Hugo goes through Every day. (House puts her mask back in place).
House ," Yeah, we get it. Your brother, the Saint. His sister, the Martyr. (He leaves the room. Taubs runs after him)."
House , Thank God you followed me. Now you can go back to the transplant committee while I get confirmation.
Taub , Confirmation of what?
House ," What causes low-lEvel cold symptoms for a year, can ruin two lungs, is immune to drug therapies, and gets worse in cities nicknamed ""Mile-High""�?"
Taub , A clotting disorder?
House ," She has a nasty case of sickle cell trait. Her heart arrhythmia wasn't sudden at all. Screwed-up blood cells screwed-up the blood vessels, which gave us a screwed-up positive for LAM. If she'd told us about her symptoms sooner � like Ever � she might not be dying. You were right after all."
Taub , I nEver said sickle�
House ," If Everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place."
Taub , So she's gonna die.
House , Unless we can find�
Taub , She burned through one donor lung. Transplant committee's nEver gonna give her a second one.
House ," Well, then I guess you're right again. (Thinking) Unless we don't need their approval."
Cuddy , You can't advise your Patient's parents to take marrow and half a lung from their son!
House , I guess I can just chat with them about the weather. Blood tests just confirmed sickle cell trait. So they might be curious about the only treatment option. Though we are having weird weather lately.
Cuddy , There is a huge reason not to take lungs from living Patients.
House , So their siblings can die?
Cuddy ," Their son has CMD. As it is, he's gonna die of respiratory failure by 25. We could cut whatEver time he has left in half."
House , That qualifies as a bad reason for them to reject the idea. It's a much worse reason for them not to get the choice.
Cuddy ," It's coercive to tell them! You Ever hear of ""do no harm""?"
House ," That was second year, right? 'Cause I had mono all that fall."
Cuddy , Their son's not Even our Patient. Why don't we just take half a lung from some guy in the clinic with a toothache?
House , That's a great idea. Now we can give the parents two options.
 , We don't compromise one life for another.
 , Okay. (He gets up and starts leaving).
Cuddy , Okay? Seriously! (House turns back ands puffs).
House ," You made an argument. If you don't want me to defer to you, why make it at all?"
 , But are you deferring to me just because we're seeing each other?
 , Maybe. (Raises eyebrows and admits it) Yeah. I think so. This is screwing me up. Why is it not screwing you up?
 , It is. I don't know why I okayed you foaming that lung. I realized it was wrong as soon as I said it.
 , I knew it! I knew 'cause you tilted your head.
 ," House... we are screwing this up. I'm gonna call HR, find someone else to supervise you as soon as I can."
House ," I've got your... test results. (He shows them a Manila envelope labeled ""test results""�). You have the metabolism, blood counts, liver and kidney function of a 92-year-old. Which is great, 'cause you're 102. What's not so great is the average life expectancy is 78. It is my recommendation that you move into a home with round-the-clock care."
Sidney , Oh... I can't beliEve it! (Winks and put his arm around his father's shoulders).
Maurice , Can't my son give me round-the-clock care?
House ," Not unless you've done your two-year certification in tiburon swab technology. (Maurice winks and nods in approval. House nods back, slightly)."
Sidney , There must be some other way. Just because he has a little tingling and some trouble feeling hot and cold and some difficulty�
House , You can't feel hot and cold?
Maurice , Not lately. But at my age...
House , Show me your teeth. (He does so). Dentures. Fairly worn. I'm guessing ten years old. (The corner of his mouth twitches). Show me your denture cream. (Maurice searches in his pocket).
Sidney , Why would he carry denture cream?
House ," Because... (Maurice hands him a tube. House takes it and reads the label). He has... zinc poisoning. But to get it from denture cream, he'd have to take so much of it � trust me, he nEver leaves home without it."
Sidney ," How much do you use, pop?"
Maurice , About a tube a day. I buy it online (House smiles lightly). So what does this mean?
House ," Bizarrely, it explains all your symptoms. Better-fitting dentures, you'll be fine. Medically, there's no reason to go anywhere. (Maurice and Sidney look at each other. House starts to leave, changes his mind, sighs, turns back and holds out his wallet. He gives Maurice his one hundred back and hands Sidney a twenty). Hospital rebate. You might wanna... put it towards couples therapy."
George ," The transplant committee's... nEver gonna give my daughter another lung, are they?"
House , No.
George , Are there any other options?
House , We're looking into it.
George , Looking into what? Please. Tell me. Give me some kind of hope.
House , I'm afraid I can't do that.
 ," We're talking about my daughter's life. What can't you tell me? If there's any... chance you can save her, anything you can try..."
House , We can take marrow and half a lung from your son. It would likely shorten his life significantly. He'd nEver be able to go on a respirator if he needed to. Most people with CMD need to as their respiratory function declines.
George , How long... do we have to decide?
House , Morning at the latest.
 , Thank you.
Della , Where are my parents?
Taub , They're pRobably dealing with committee issues or something.
Della , They were arguing. I saw my mom crying. Looked like my dad was yelling at her.
Taub , They care about you a lot. (He puts the mask back on her face. She takes it away).
Della , Hugo was a marrow match?
Taub , We're way past that now.
Della , They want a lung from him too. Is that what this is about?
 , No. It's nothing you need to worry about. Everybody's working on getting you the best care possible. (He puts the mask back in place).
Claire , How do they expect us to go on from here?
George , We make a choice... And we live with it.
Claire , There's no living with it. No matter what we decide.
Foreman , Still cold and clammy. She had a respiratory arrest.
Claire ," Oh, my God! What is she doing here?"
Taub , She figured out what was going on.
Chase , She's pinking up.
Taub , She must have yanked off her IVs and oxygen. Came here to die. (George and Claire cry. Della is lifted on a gurney).
Taub ," By unhooking herself from Everything, she delivered a hypoxic insult to her body that started a downward spiral."
Foreman ," If you're gonna make a decision, you're running out of time."
Cuddy , HR can't find you a new supervisor.
House , How come?
Cuddy ," Because you're unsupervisable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit."
House ," Well, I guess we're stuck with each other."
Cuddy ," I have no idea why I'm making this call, or if it's the right call to make. But if you feel strongly about presenting the parents your treatment option, you can do it."
Houses ," Thank you, I will. (Pause) SEveral hours ago."
Cuddy , You told them?
House , I told him. He came to my office. I'm sorry.
Cuddy , Well... I should pRobably be more mad at you.
House , Yeah.
 , Dr. House? We've decided. We're not gonna take the lung from my son.
Cuddy , She's still on the waiting list. We're gonna do whatEver we can do find her another�
 , What ginormous crack pipe have you people been sucking on?
Cuddy ," House! (During the whole following exchange, they yell at each other) :"
House , Are you gonna pretend that you're not choosing your own daughter's death?
Claire , Our daughter doesn't want it.
House , PRobably doesn't wanna floss her teeth either. She's a mindless teenybopper.
Cuddy , Don't put this on them.
House ," What do you mean, put it on? It is on them! As much as they may wanna pass the lung here!"
Cuddy , Of course they do! You're handing them an impossible choice.
House ," Life has handed them a crappy choice, and they're picking the crappier option � trading who knows how Many healthy decades for four or five years in which roller boy will be a limp rag."
Cuddy , Not Everything is a math equation.
House , Do you need me to explain the difference between decade and year?
Cuddy ," Their son is a huMan being. You know what they are, right? Intrinsic value. We don't get to decide�"
House , And we do it Every day. If the two of them needed the same lung�
Cuddy , He needs to keep the one he's got. You don't get to play God by ripping out�
House ," That train left the station when we learned to do transplants. The rest is just paper-pushing. Of course, now we're on to your real area of expertise."
Cuddy ," Oh, I thought we were moving on to yours � bullying your Patients into embracing your own lack of a moral� (As she turns, we see Hugo who has been listening)."
Claire , Hugo. Honey.
George ," We didn't mean for you to hear any of this. Hugo, please!"
Hugo , I want you to take half my lung.
 , No. I'm not.
Hugo ," You do so Many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. But that's not me out there. It nEver will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you... then I really can share in Everything you do. (The parents stare at them). This is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you."
House , We got lucky. (Pushes the elevator button with his cane). I did give them an impossible choice. The kid took it away from them.
Cuddy ," That fight... was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again."
 ," You've got a big ass. (He grabs it. Cuddy smiles at him, intertwines her fingers with his on her bottom, takes his hand and leads him to the elevator)."
Jack," (off camera) They have a cure for that, you know? (cut to a blue yo-yo rolling on the floor) It's called a computer."
Jack," We done for the day, or do I need to find something else to read?"
Alice, I'm done.
Alice, It's done.
Jack," No way. It's finished? Well, how""�how's it end? I mean, you got to let me read it."
Alice, Not this time. (She pulls the last page out of the typewriter and adds it to the stack of Manuscript pages)
Jack," W""�you at least got to tell me what happens. (Alice shakes her head no) Come on. How am I supposed to help with the next book if you don't�"
Alice, (Carrying the Manuscript across the room) There isn't going to be a next book.
Jack, You can't be serious. Why?
Alice, You wouldn't understand.
Jack, Try me.
Alice, (quietly) I just can't do it anymore. I'm not brave like you. (She leaves him and goes back to her desk)
Jack, But writing's your whole life. What are you gonna do without it?
Alice, (she opens a desk drawer) What I should have done years ago.
Jack," What are you doing? Put it down, or I'll""�I'll make you."
Alice," (her voice trembles) How, Jack? You don't Even exist. I'm sorry."
Christina," (looking around the room) Miss Tanner. Miss Tanner. (seeing Alice on the floor behind the desk) Oh, dear God."
House," (Holding up two stuffed animals) Which of these says ""I want to sleep with you"" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver, beaver, beaver. You're right, it's too high school."
Wilson, What did you do to piss Cuddy off?
House, (putting the animals back) I can't be roMantic?
Wilson," House, you're stealing from a Woman in a coma."
House, We're fine. NEver seen her happier.
Wilson, Yeah? How about you?
House, I'm... worried.
Wilson, Because she's happy?
House," (walking past Wilson and out the door) No, because I am."
Wilson," House, that's�"
House, (turning to face Wilson) Ironic? Weird? Crazy?
Wilson, (He follows House as he walks down the hall) I was going to say normal.
House," For now. We're in the Honeymoon period. Our brains are flooded with endorphins. Once she snaps out of it, where does that leave us?"
Wilson, In an adult relationship.
House, Name one thing that Cuddy and I have in common besides work.
Wilson, There's... You're both... Wait.
House," Exactly. Long-term relationships are based on compatibility, and right now we only have sex."
Wilson," House, you don't actually think she'd dump you because you, what, don't do yoga? Listen to the B-52s?"
House," Not right away. We'll fight, makeup sex, fight, maybe sex, and then she'll dump me. With possible goodbye sex."
Wilson," So, instead of enjoying the Honeymoon phase, you've decided to skip it entirely."
House, I need to find something that we both like doing besides each other.
Wilson, Right. Or you could just talk to her about it.
House," No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't just to make me feel better, which will make her feel Even worse, which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her, and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me. (stopping at an elevator, House pushes the call button) At least with my plan I get my one a day with iron till the bitter end. (The elevator door opens and House steps in, with Wilson right behind him) Is there a reason why you're following me?"
Wilson," Oh, yeah. You're not gonna beliEve who just checked into the E.R."
Nurse, The doctor hasn't examined you yet.
Alice, There's nothing wrong with me. My maid just overreacted.
House, Great. (He pushes aside the curtain with his cane) This won't take long then.
Nurse, EMTs found her unconscious. Her maid said she had a seizure.
Alice, I fainted.
House," Huge Jack Cannon fan, by the way. Love your books."
Alice, Really? My fans tend to be overly-annoying teenaged girls.
House," (pulling a lightscope out of his breast pocket) I know. All they care about is who's hotter, Jack or Deacon. Like Sarah can't love both of them. I may belong to one or two online fan clubs. (He looks into her eyes with the lightscope) How's the new book coming along?"
Alice, I don't talk about my work.
House, 'Kay. How about nodding your head to a few yes/no questions?
Alice," (shaking her head no) But I'll make you a deal. You finish this exam quickly, and I'll answer one question."
House, About anything?
Alice," Anything. Who was Jack's real father, who kidnapped his Uncle..."
House," (dropping both their hands) Deal. I will have to go with, why'd you try to kill yourself? Burn on the side of your face is caused by gunpowder, so, change your mind at the last second, or you just a lousy shot?"
Alice, I'm out of here.
House, Can't. We had a deal.
Alice, Try and stop me.
House," Okay. (loudly to the whole room) This Woman is on a 72-hour psyParkatric hold. If she tries to run, shoot her. With a sedative, if that's more convenient."
Taub, You called us back to work because a lady might have had a seizure.
House, A seizure while trying to commit suicide.
Foreman, (who has arrived from inside the hospital) So send her for a psych eval. What's that got to do with us?
House, What is the matter with you people? We're talking about a huMan being who's suffering.
House," You're right. That's not enough. She is also the writer of Jack Cannon: Boy Detective, beloved by millions around the world."
Chase, By girls between 10 and 14.
House," Look, the point is if she kills herself, millions of fans of all ages and genders will be very disappointed."
Foreman, So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan?
House," No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case 'cause I said so. You and Taub do a full workup. Observe her overnight. See if she has another seizure. (looking at Chase) You can go."
Taub, Why does he get the night off?
House," Because he brought a ""smokin'""� hot babe."
Taub, I have plans with my wife.
House," Yeah, nice try, but you hate your personal life. (to Foreman before he can protest) And you obviously don't have one."
House," Hey. (He pulls a red flower out of his bouquet and hands it to Chase who takes it and turns to join the young Woman) I'd stay myself, but I just bought the flowers. (House leaves Taub and Foreman to observe Alice overnight)"
House," Reservation for Dominica's isn't till 8:00, so we got plenty of time."
Cuddy, We need to pick something up from a haunted House?
House, This is a Gothic Revival masterpiece. I hope one day to live in a House like this.
Cuddy, Your friend's a writer?
House, One of the best. She wants me to read her latest Manuscript.
Cuddy, (browsing the bookshelves) Alice Tanner. Why does that name sound familiar?
House, I gave you a couple of her books a few years ago.
Cuddy, (approaParkng House) No. She's the Woman you put on the psych hold. This isn't a date. We're on a case.
House, Ever hear of multitasking?
Cuddy, Did you steal her keys?
House," Think I'd take the Dean of Medicine on a ""B""� and ""E""�"
Christina, How did you get in here?
House," (to Cuddy) Well, I guess you have your answer."
Foreman, When was your last physical?
Alice, A while ago. I don't like doctors.
Taub, Any history of seizures before today?
Alice, Not that I recall. Are we almost done? I'm tired.
Foreman, The exam would go faster if you would cooperate with us.
Alice, I am.
Taub, You're evading Every question we ask.
Alice, Why do you say that?
Taub, That.
Alice, I didn't ask for help.
Taub, Committing a suicidal gesture says otherwise.
Alice, It wasn't a gesture. I had the damn seizure before I could get the gun in my mouth.
Foreman, You want to tell us why?
Alice," You want to know my life story, my secret, inner pain? Maybe if I just open up a little, you'll be able to save me?"
Taub, We're just trying to help you.
Alice, Thank you. I want a Woman doctor.
Taub, And back to being evasive.
Alice, It's my right as a Patient. So please. Get out. Now.
Foreman, We need to observe you overnight.
Alice, You really think I'm stupid enough to try and kill myself in a hospital?
Foreman," To see if you have another seizure. (pointing to the observation room) We'll be up there, and we won't disturb you unless there's a pRoblem. That work for you?"
Alice, WhatEver it takes to get you out of here.
Cuddy," House, Christina has agreed to not call the police."
House, She's pRobably illegal. Same reason she didn't report the suicide attempt.
Christina," I call 911. But when Miss Tanner woke up, she say she will fire me if I say anything about the gun."
House," And if she whacks herself, what happens to your job?"
Christina," I think she's a very depressed person. NEver goes out, doesn't have friends. She has all this money, but all she does is write."
House, I need to see her latest Manuscript.
Christina, (pointing to the safe) She always locks up her writing in there.
Cuddy, Has she Ever complained about physical pain or stress?
Christina, Yes. Her back and her hands hurt a lot.
House, A writer with back and hand pain. That's very helpful. Let's go.
Christina, Sometimes I hear her cry at night. When she thinks nobody's listening. I should have done something.
House, (lifting up the top of the typewriter) True.
Cuddy, (to House) What are you doing?
House," Before there were hard drives, there were... (he holds up the ribbon reels)"
House, How Many of these does she eat a day?
Christina, Two for lunch. Sometimes three.
Foreman, Still no seizure activity. It's your turn�
Taub, What the hell?
Foreman, Close. House. (pushing the intercom button and talking to House) She's fine. Both the E.E.G. and all her vitals have been�
Alice, You. What do you want?
House, You wet the bed. Just not sure how yet.
Chase," Good morning, gentlemen. (looking at their tired faces) Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either. (opening and reading Alice's chart) Unilateral hyperhidrosis. Interesting."
Taub," She also admitted she tried to kill herself, but won't tell us why."
Foreman," House searched her home, found she's been eating two cans of tuna a day for years."
Chase, Mercury poisoning?
House," (just entering the room) Explains the seizures, hand and back pain, also the depression."
Foreman, Explains Everything except the fact that it's not. We got her urine and blood samples back. They're normal.
Chase," If it's low lEvel, it might not show up in a spot check. We need to run continuous testing to find it."
Taub, We can't. She wants a female doctor.
Foreman, She only asked for a Woman to waste time. She's cooperating just enough to get through the psych hold.
House, Put some lipstick on Chase and start chelation therapy. Confirm with another urine test. (The team stares uncertainly at House) Okay. I'll go talk to Cuddy. Maybe she'll let us borrow a dress too. (House leaves the conference room)
House," Ahe""�ahem."
Cuddy, This would be me ignoring you. (finally looking up) What if we got arrested last night? And whatEver happened to keeping our professional and personal lives separate?
House, I'm not the one talking about our relationship at work.
Cuddy, What's behind your back?
House, Peace penguin.
Cuddy, What room should I return it to?
House, 243. I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
Cuddy, I'm pretty attached to mine. I told you to hire a temporary replacement for Thirteen two weeks ago.
House, I've been busy.
Cuddy, Doing what?
House, You. So you'll talk her out of it?
Cuddy, You'll hire a Woman doctor?
House, You think we just sit around talking sports and belParkng and farting when the Parkcks aren't around? (he burps) By when?
Cuddy, Next week.
House, Next week it is. (He leaves)
Alice, What makes you think it's Mercury?
Cuddy," Your symptoms. Now I can perform the procedure myself if you still prefer a Woman doctor, but the team you have is our best."
Alice, That's an interesting perfume you're wearing.
Cuddy, It was a gift.
Alice, From Dr. House? It was all over him last night.
Cuddy," If you'd prefer another female doctor, I can arrange that as well."
Alice," I also smelled it somewhere else more recently. Faint, but unmistakable. You should have worn a different cardigan this morning, Christina. Something you'd like to tell me, dear?"
Christina," When I found you yesterday, I thought I was too late. I talked to them so I could help you get better. I just don't want to see you suffer anymore."
Alice, That won't be a pRoblem. You're fired.
Cuddy, This Woman cares about you. If it weren't for her�
Alice," I wouldn't be here now, would I? I should have done it yesterday."
Cuddy," I understand that you're in pain, but lashing out isn't the answer. Treatment is."
Alice, I agree. Send the men back. At least they're not a bunch of dewy-eyed cry-babies.
Wilson, What's that?
House, It's the new Jack Cannon novel. Suggestions?
Wilson, Yeah. Stop. It can't be done.
House, People wonder why you've nEver cured cancer.
Wilson, Did you get this before or after your date with Cuddy?
House," Eh, pRobably would have been a wiser choice."
Wilson," Huh. This is actually good, House. (He walks around to the front of the desk) She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?"
House, I'm a horrible influence.
Wilson," True. A horrible influence she's reaParkng out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, (sitting down) but so are you. You do have something in common. You're both trying to find things you have in common."
House, And not finding them. (Wilson sighs)
Jack, (playing with his yoyo) You don't look so hot. Want to talk about it?
Alice, Those days are over.
Chase, Who were you talking to?
Alice, Myself.
Taub," If you're seeing things, it could be another symptom."
Alice, It's not. It's only in my imagination. I make things up for a living.
Chase, And talking to them?
Alice," It's a writer thing. We're also good at reading people. Like you, for instance. Recently divorced. You slept with a girl last night. Her place, not yours. You pRobably won't return her calls."
Chase, (clearly impressed) That... How?
Alice," The tan line from your former wedding ring. You stink of smoke, but no yellow on your fingers or teeth means she's the smoker. And you either didn't shower or change. Either way, her place."
Chase, (pointing to Taub) Do him.
Taub," We're wasting time, which is her main goal here. (to Alice) Need your arm for this."
Alice," You remind me of my ex-husband. A cute Man, but pRoblems in the bedroom department."
Taub, Not Even close.
Alice, The ones I caught him in. He cheated on me Every chance he could. The first time with my best friend. The second... The bastard.
Taub, BP and heart rate are spiking.
Chase, Must be an allergic reaction to the chelation agent.
Taub, I didn't give it to her yet.
Chase," Pain, seizures, hyperhidrosis, and sudden onset of radically high blood pressure."
Foreman, Her continuous blood and urine test came back. It's definitely not Mercury poisoning. Clean.
Chase, Could be hemolytic uremic syndrome.
Foreman," It's not. There weren't any blood or protein markers in her urine, either."
Taub, We also caught her talking to herself. She could be delusional.
Foreman, She's a writer and a recluse. I'd be more surprised if she didn't
House, What was she doing when it happened?
Chase," Sitting in bed. She claims it was only in her imagination, but still."
House, When her BP spiked?
Chase, Comparing Taub to her ex-husband. She really hated the guy.
House, Her first symptom was when she had a gun to her head. (peeling off the gloves) Excess adrenaline could explain seizures and skyrocketing BP.
Taub, A pheochromocytoma.
House, Get an MRI and find it.
House, Would you hold this?
House, I meant now.
Alice, Have I mentioned I'm claustrophobic?
Taub, Have I mentioned we don't care?
Alice, Oh!
Chase, What's wrong?
Alice, Nothing. Just a leg cramp.
Foreman, Get her out of here. She's got metal in her leg.
Foreman," She has three screws in her right leg from a skiing accident she didn't tell us about. The MRI's magnetic field super heated the metal, causing third-degree burns. Skin ruptured from internal heat pressure here. (He circles the ruptures on the Xray film)"
Taub," It's not our fault. She signed the consent forms, denied there was any metal..."
House, Normally I'd say it. Maybe this way it'll finally sink in.
House, She wants to die. You cannot trust anything she says.
Foreman, Treating the soft tissue injuries in her leg cost us most of the day. We also had to replace the screws.
Chase, And finding a pheochromocytoma without using the MRI could take us a week.
Taub," Longer, if she doesn't stop lying to us. Or we could figure out a way to find it in the 39 hours left on her psych hold."
House, We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.
Foreman, She wants to kill herself House.
House, I can work with that.
House, I want you to write more books.
Alice," I'm done writing Jack Cannon's adventures. And when I get out of here, I'll just be done."
House," Now don't you say that, you dirty birdie. (He places his cane on top of a cabinet) You know, there are easier ways to go than shooting yourself in the head or tearing apart a limb. (He pulls a drug bottle and syringe out of his coat pocket) And this is one of them. The best part, you'll feel so good, you won't Even notice you're dead."
Alice, You expect me to beliEve you're going to help me kill myself?
House, (filling the syringe from the bottle) You're the perceptive one. You tell me.
Alice, Why?
House," We can't find your tumor in time without your cooperation. So I'm giving you a choice. Give us a chance to make you better, or stick this anywhere and push. (House holds up the full syringe)"
Alice, Why do you care about me? You think you know me because you read my books?
House," No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and one day you can't. When that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't."
Alice, I'm... I'm all out of reasons.
House," Now. When you're pain free, you're gonna want to live and start writing again. And if I'm wrong, got a backup plan to take home with you."
Alice, (taking the syringe) Okay.
House," Good choice. If I were you, I'd hide that if you want to keep it."
Alice, I know the perfect place.
House," Morning, sunshine."
Alice, You're a real bastard.
House, You were supposed to choose life.
Alice, You're also an excellent liar.
House," Wasn't lying about the cure. If we find and remove that pesky, adrenaline-secreting tumor, you'll get better."
Alice, You better hurry. My Lawyer will have me out of here this time tomorrow.
House," Yeah, about that, it seems that last night you found and self-administered what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic. Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours. I know. Bummer, right?"
Alice, You want to know something about my book?
House, Sure.
Alice," Jack Cannon dies. (House looks stunned) I know. Bummer, right?"
Taub, We finished analyzing the PET scans from last night. There's no sign of a tumor.
Foreman, We sampled blood from six different areas looking for any spikes in adrenaline. All of them were negative.
Taub," If she told us her symptoms, where it hurts, when the pain first started, we could at least focus on a specific area."
Chase, Or use them to rule areas out.
Foreman, She'll only lie. We're better off not Even talking to her.
Chase, You think you can get her to try to kill herself again? We're gonna need more time.
House, There might be a way to get her symptoms without asking her. If writers write what they know.
Foreman, I thought you said it was about a boy Detective.
House," And his mentor, Aunt Helen, who happens to be around the same age as Alice. Answers could be in the book."
Taub, Great. You finish reading your typewriter ribbon yet?
House, Look for the tumor with the ultrasound.
Sam, I drove across town to treat a ribbon?
House, That's why I prefer lying. It makes things easier.
Wilson," (entering the room) WhatEver he has you doing, stop."
House, (to Sam) You told him?
Sam, We do live together. I generally tell him when I show up at his work.
Sam, He told me it was a matter of life and death.
House, It is. Patient wants to kill herself.
Wilson," He's just trying to read a book, the latest Jack Cannon: Boy Detective."
Sam, Alice Tanner is your Patient?
House," (excitedly) You're a ""fannon"" too?"
Sam, (also excited) I'm team Deacon.
House," Oh, come on. Why can't she love them both?"
Sam," The typewriter keys should have left impressions on these ribbon fibers. They would also remove a layer of ink. It's just a question of tweaking the software, really."
Wilson, Does Cuddy know you're using the MRI for this?
House, Let's say yes.
Sam, (to House) So do you think Jack finally hooks up with Sarah in this one?
House, No. Debbie Wright is his true love.
Sam, She's dead.
House, Presumed! All we really know is�
Wilson, There are actual Patients waiting to use this maParkne.
Sam, Congratulations. It's a book.
Cuddy, Wilson just told me we're going on a double date with him and Sam tonight.
House, You don't like double dates?
Cuddy, I'd just like if you'd ask me first.
House, You don't like surprises?
Cuddy, Is this Alice's book?
House, Sam reprogrammed the MRI to read Alice's typewriter ribbon.
Cuddy, You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?
House," Cool, right?"
Cuddy," Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again."
House," As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you, because I need this for my case."
Cuddy," As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week. (House glares at her) So, what's the plan for tonight?"
House, WhatEver you want.
Cuddy, I don't care. Just pick something we'd both enjoy.
House, Yeah? And what would that be exactly?
Cuddy, I don't know. You know what I like. I got to get back to work.
Chase," Found something. It's not a tumor. WhatEver it is, it's encased around her heart."
Chase, Why not?
House, It isn't curable.
Foreman, That's... not an answer. It's treatable. We'll start testing to see which drugs she best responds to.
House, We're not gonna be able to take her pain away. She's still gonna kill herself as soon as she gets released tomorrow. I can't let Jack Cannon end this way.
Chase, We're treating a Patient... not a book.
House, Retest to confirm. (He leaves his office)
Cuddy, (looking at House with disbelief) Go-carts? Really?
Heard over the Intercom," Wilson, party of four. You guys are up next."
House, Your mom said you loved go-carts.
Cuddy, You called my mother. I loved them when I was 12.
Sam, (holding up a green helmet and calling to them from the go-cart Parking area) This is so cool! I haven't done this since I was 12! Winner picks the restaurant.
Wilson, I have a very bad feeling about this.
Fun Stop Attendant," (walking between them onto the track) Are we ready, racers? (He stops and turns to face them, raising the starting flags) On your marks, get set... (He lowers the flags) And go away."
Wilson, (to Sam) Hey! Watch it!
House, (looking over at Cuddy) You having fun?
Cuddy, (grinning back at him) You know who wins these races? The person who weighs less!
Wilson, My parents nEver let me drive one of these!
Sam, Yeah! I can tell!
Wilson," Oh, my God! Oh!"
Wilson, Oh!
House, Whoa.
Cuddy, What is her pRoblem?
House, She hates Jews!
Cuddy, NEver... again.
House, That a girl!
Sam, (frustrated that Cuddy is now out front) Ohh... uh...
Cuddy, (rubbing her shoulder where the seat belt has cut into it). Ooh. Ahhh.
House, Hoo hoo hah hah hah!
Sam, See you at the finish line!
House," Oh, yeah?"
House, Yes!
Fun Stop Attendant," (yelling at them as they leave) Hey! You're banned for life, mister! Your Fun Stop privileges are officially revoked! You, too, blondie! All of you � get out!"
House, I avenged my Lady.
Cuddy, (rubbing her shoulder) Seatbelt nearly broke my neck. I'm done for the night.
House, It's not my fault Wilson's attracted to psychos.
Cuddy, You picked the place.
Wilson, That's just the pain talking.
House," (having the ""ah-ha""� moment about Alice) Oh... wow."
House, It was a car crash. Not a skiing accident.
Alice, (still half asleep) What?
House, Screws in your leg.
Alice, You got me. I'll be going back to sleep now.
House, You damaged your thyroid gland in the crash when the shoulder strap cut into your neck. You don't have lupus. What you have is curable.
Alice, Go away.
House," I read your book. Sucks, by the way."
Alice," Nice try, but impossible."
House, Helen Rutherford kills herself because she feels useless and doesn't want to be a burden.
House," Just like you do now. You have hypothyroidism. That's why you feel so tired and worn out. With medication, you'll feel 20 years younger. Or whatEver age you were the last time you didn't want to kill yourself."
Alice, (shaking the Manuscript pages) How did you�
House, You can finish the story the right way... The way Jack Cannon deserves.
Alice, You think you know what Jack deserves?
House, I know that he deserves better than what you gave him.
Alice, You don't know anything about him! Why can't you just leave me�
Alice, What did you do to me? I can't move. I can't move anything.
House, How can I be right and wrong? I deduced the car accident because thyroid fit the symptoms. But a damaged thyroid wouldn't explain the paralysis. How can I be wrong about the thyroid but right about the accident?
Taub, What if you're not?
House, I like the way you think kid.
Taub," At least not completely. Post traumatic syringomyelia from a 15-year-old car crash. Slowly growing over the years, pressing against her spinal column. Causes pain, fluctuating blood pressure, seizures."
Foreman," And if untreated, Eventually leads to paralysis and death."
Taub, We find it and remove it. She should be able to regain full function.
Chase," If we can get her medical records from back then, we can use them to pinpoint the location."
House, Do it.
Taub, We're dead on our feet. I've barely slept in four days.
House, Aw... that's sad. You know what's Even sadder? Thirteen was the only Man on my team.
Foreman," Yeah, it'd be nice if you hurry up and hire someone to fill her spot."
House, (to Foreman) Do it. Cuddy wants it to be a girl.
Foreman, There are a couple of people�
House, I was talking to Chase. I was just looking at you to screw with you.
House, I'm meditating.
Foreman," From where we're standing, it looked like sleeping."
Chase, We can't find her old medical records.
House, You woke me up for that?
Foreman, We woke you up because it doesn't matter. Alice is refusing any more treatment. She doesn't want the surgery.
Taub, She kicked us out.
House, Why would she lie about the accident?
Taub, Everybody lies.
House, Everybody has a reason. (He picks up his cane and leaves the office)
Cuddy, I know. Alice is refusing surgery.
House, She'll be dead in a few days without it.
Cuddy, Which is why I've spent the last four hours trying to find a legal way to do it without her permission. Unsuccessfully. I'm sorry.
House," As your boyfriend, I'm grateful for the effort. As your employee, I'm disappointed at your ineffectiveness."
House, (sighing) Why would she not tell us about the pins in her leg?
Cuddy, 'Cause she wants to die.
House," By having her leg ripped off? She wants to punish herself... for something that happened before she was famous, before she Even started to write. I think the answer's in her old medical records. But dopey, sleazy, and uptighty can't find them."
Cuddy, Maybe Alice Tanner's just her pen name.
House, Your boyfriend is an idiot.
Cuddy," (getting up and picking up the phone on her desk) I'll contact the National Records ArParkve and run the type of screws in her leg against blood type, age, and anything else I think of."
House, Her first name could be Helen.
Cuddy, Even better.
House," Don't bother to get up. You know, the way you write Jack always made him feel real to me. (putting the file down on the foot of the bed) Now I know why."
Alice, Because I'm a good writer.
House," He's cool, but he's awkward. He's brilliant. He makes mistakes. (propping his cane against the bed) He's funny, but sometimes he takes it too far. Sounds like a great kid."
Alice, Please. Just leave me alone.
House," You weren't alone in the car crash. Your son was with you, Helen."
House, The books are your way of keeping him alive.
Alice, (very upset) Why can't you just let me die in peace?
House, You haven't been at peace since it happened.
Alice, I killed him.
House," No, you didn't."
Alice, I let him drive. He only had a learner's permit. It was raining. I deserve this.
House," No, you don't."
Alice, (looking at Jack) He could always get me to do what he wanted. He's always been my muse.
House," (taking something else out of the file) Well, that may be true, but I've been reviewing your muse's autopsy results. It wasn't the crash that killed him. Your son had a brain aneurism. That's why he crashed. He was dead before the impact. There was nothing you could do to save him."
Alice, They would have told me.
House," They had no reason to dig any deeper. It was a car accident. I did. (holding up a skull Xray) It's easy to miss. (pointing) But you can see the blood buildup here. Your son would have died that day, on a bus, in school, sitting on his bed. The only thing the crash is killing is you. We need to repair that syrinx in your neck."
Alice, He was my world. Writing... I could feel him with me.
Jack," (putting his hand on his mother's hand) It wasn't my fault, mom."
Alice, (looking at Jack) And it wasn't mine.
Cuddy, Her son didn't have a brain aneurism.
House, Nope. She shouldn't have let him drive in the rain. Jack was nEver very coordinated.
Cuddy," As your boss, I am opposed to you lying to a Patient. As your girlfriend, I'm glad you care."
House, I don't. I just wanted to save Jack Cannon.
Cuddy," Well, I can see why you like him. I started reading one of the books you gave me."
House, I find that very hard to beliEve.
Cuddy, Why? Because I can't like something you like? We couldn't possibly
House, Because I lied about giving you the books.
Cuddy, Oh.
House, Oh. Wilson told you.
Cuddy, Yeah.
House, He's such a gossip.
Cuddy," I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music. On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me when you have a pRoblem with our relationship."
House, I know you beliEve that now... But the fact is�
Cuddy," Who cares about common? Common is boring. It's... common! I like being with you. You make me better. Hopefully, I make you better. What we have is... uncommon. And I've nEver been happier."
Alice," Mind giving us a moment alone, Christina?"
Alice, I'd like to thank you.
House, Great. You can dediCate the next Jack Cannon to me.
Alice, I can't.
House, Are you still in pain?
Alice," No. You did Everything you said, and more. I can finally move on. Thank you."
House, Move on where?
Alice, I want to write books for adults.
House, What about Jack? Your last book didn't answer anything.
Alice, The way I ended Jack's story is perfect. Each reader can decide what fate they want for him themselves.
House, (sounding like a whiny Parkld) You � but that's stupid! That doesn't make any sense!
Alice, How Many answers do you get in real life?
House," This is a book. Books have beginnings, middles, and ends. You can't just leave it on a cliffhanger � who does that?"
Alice, I'm sorry. His story's done. There's really nothing you can say to change my mind.
House," Your son... (House looks back to see Cuddy standing in the doorway, and resists the urge to be an ass) Was very lucky to have you as his mother. (Cuddy is visibly reliEved)"
Cuddy, That was�
House," Oh, shut up."
Margaret, Billy? Is anyone here?
Margaret, Billy?
Billy, Hey.
Margaret, Hey. I just noticed the front door was open.
Billy, Maybe you left it that way?
Margaret," I don't know. I thought I heard something. I know the whole House creaks, but I was just �"
Billy," If you have any doubts, go to the Cassano's. I'm in the car. I'm a few blocks away."
Margaret," No, I'm sure it's nothing. Love you."
Margaret," Oh! Uh, the""�the door banged shut. I'm sure it was just the wind. Oh, God."
Billy," It's okay. It's okay, it's just me."
Billy, You all right? [Margaret moans in agony.] Margaret! hey! Margaret! You okay?
Margaret," Oh""�oh, my stomach! Oh!"
House to Chase," I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on."
Chase," Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House, this is Dr. Kelly Benedict, your new fellow."
Kelly," Nice to meet you. Um, I just finished my psyParkatry residency at St. Jude's. And I loved studying the mind, but I thought I could make more of a difference, or at least �"
House with a bemused grin," Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously."
Foreman interrupting, 30-year-old female � [waves blue file folder at House]
House," I know what you're thinking. She looks like Cameron, and he's hired her solely to sleep with her."
Taub," No, none of us were thinking that."
House," Well, you should have. But you'd be foolishly wrong. Yes, he's been dating at a near-Clooney pace recently, but at this point, the only hole he's trying to fill is the one in his soul, which means it's the emotional connection with Cameron that he misses. Did you Ever marry a dying Man? And if so, did you freeze his sperm?"
Kelly," Okay, so Cameron's his ex. But sperm! [confusion crosses her face]"
Chase, She's not like Cameron.
House, Then why'd you make her wear Cameron's clothes?
Kelly," [looks at her wardRobe and frowns] No, I'm wearing my own clothes."
Foreman, 30-year-old female. SEvere vomiting and abdominal pain preceded by three days of moderate pain. Slightly elevated LFTs.
Taub, Could be lead poi �
House," Uh, uh, uh! If I know Dr. Shameron � and I think I do � she'll want this chance for a little stuff-strutting."
Kelly [with confidence]," Okay, hepatitis ""A."""
Foreman, Serologies are negative.
Kelly, Right! [with slightly less confidence] Appendicitis �
Foreman, That hasn't ruptured by now? It's hepatic fibrosis.
Taub," At the risk of having Foreman snark at me too, lead poisoning could also work."
House, Liver angiogram to check for fibrosis. Search the home for heavy metals. [to Kelly] What's your position on the legality of illegal break-ins?
Chase," That's more of a second week type activity. We'll do the angiogram. I'll meet you in radiology, third floor."
Chase, She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh! And she's not like Cameron.
House, True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.
Wilson, How are things going with Cuddy?
House," Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple."
Wilson indicating a truly horrendous red white and blue chopper with apehangers, I could see you on this one.
House, Am I wearing a dashiki? [Wilson chuckles] Easy Rider auditions ended four decades ago.
Wilson, Are you sleeping over there yet?
House," Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves."
Wilson, Whose idea was that?
House," Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners! video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep."
Wilson," Okay, taking it slow. That could work. You are spending time with the kid?"
House, As little as possible. That is one boring Parkld.
Wilson," House, she's a toddler."
House, I know. I'm grading on a curve. It's that bad.
Wilson," Oh, you think you were the scintillating wit at two and a half?"
House, I wasn't trying to eat shoes. Cuddy could have adopted a golden retriEver.
Wilson," Oh, yeah, things are definitely going great."
House, We'll get to it when we get to it. [House walks away and looks at a couple of bikes.]
Wilson," You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation?"
House, Nah. [pointing with his cane] This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual.
Wilson, They're identical! Do you Even want my input?
House, No.
Wilson, Then why did you invite me?
House, Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike?
Chase," You did fine. House is just trying to get at me. And he's wrong, by the way. I hired you because you're the most qualified applicant. Injecting dye."
Kelly, Dr. Foreman didn't seem to like me either.
Chase," Oh, well, he takes a little while to warm up. In my case, I'm hoping year sEven does the trick. Tapering cutoff in the left branch of the hepatic artery."
Chase squinting at an anomaly on the screen, Tumor?
Kelly," Looks more like scar tissue. From what, surgery?"
Chase, PRobably. Look at her rib cage.
Kelly," She broke, what, five or six bones at some point? She didn't tell us about this?"
Chase," No, she didn't."
Foreman, I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything?
Taub, Yeah! I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a pRoblem with our new doctor.
Foreman," Sorry, we should all be super-polite in the DDXs, fail to correct each other, and then treat Patients for diseases they don't have."
Taub," Dude, is this about Thirteen?"
Foreman," [Scoffs] No. Why are you calling me ""dude""?"
Taub, Maybe it's hard seeing House replace her when you've still got feelings.
Foreman," One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude?"
Taub, It felt right. [shrugs]
Foreman," The day the Patient collapsed, she say where she was working?"
Taub," Cleaning job in Summit, then she went straight home."
Foreman, Then why's she got a credit card receipt for lunch from a cafe in Trenton?
Margaret, I'm not hiding anything. I just got the days wrong. I worked in Trenton on Tuesday. I worked in Summit on Monday. I guess it slipped my mind.
Billy, And breaking eight ribs? That slip your mind too?
Margaret," You know how I was on the cycling team when I was at U Mass? Well, during training, I fell off my bike! right onto a sprinkler head."
Foreman, Why didn't you tell us?
Margaret, It was ten years ago. I didn't think it could be related to my stomach pRoblems.
Chase, We're going to need to see the records from the operation.
Margaret, You think it is related?
Chase," The strange stuff we found in your liver, it's pRobably hepatic fibrosis, but it could also just be a screw-up from the old surgery."
Margaret, The operation was done at the University Hospital. Hopefully they still have the records.
House, Come back. Just one more time. You'll love it.
Cuddy, My wrists are tired.
House," [He's in bed, playing a video game and not looking at her.] I can't defeat the new Decimator 98 all alone. Come on, we're a team."
Cuddy," You understand, right? The babysitter's leaving in half an hour."
House," Oops, you're right. Scram. I've got a massage coming by in five."
Cuddy, It was at that moment she realized the roMance was already gone.
House, Head shot!
Cuddy, Oh! Hi.
Therapist, Hi
Kelly, I called U Mass. There's no record of any surgery for Margaret.
Foreman, You use her maiden name?
Chase, No. Kelly knows nothing about the concept of married names. It wasn't covered in her psyParkatry residency.
Kelly, Margaret was nEver Even registered at the university.
Foreman, Call the other hospitals in the area.
Kelly," Done. Nothing. So I ran her social security number through one of those websites. Her number matches her name, but she's got no credit history until three years ago. And based on her number, she was born around 1945. She stole someone's identity."
Taub, Supraventricular tachycardia. 150 bpm.
Chase, Carotid massage?
Taub, Not responding.
Foreman, Get the Adenocine.
Taub, We've tried already.
Taub, Get the pacemaker. We can overdrive her.
House," Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear! It's Aunt Em, darling."
Margaret, What's-what's wrong with me?
House," Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy pRoblems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of ""how."""
Billy," They're saying you changed your identity. What are they talking about, Margaret?"
Margaret, I don't know.
House," Well, that falls in the obviously stupid lie Category, which you're familiar with from the one you told us about your bike accident. You thought we'd nEver check?"
Margaret, Five years ago! I was married.
Billy, Who was he?
Margaret, Just a guy. I met him in high school. He was older. He! used to get jealous! do drugs.
Foreman, Those broken bones?
Margaret," He! he would tell me to take off all my clothes so he could inspect me. Then he would hit me. I got a restraining order, ran away, but he found me anyway. That's when he broke my ribs. So I moved away again to Arizona. Came back from work one day! He'd broken in, fed pesticides to my dog! killed her. I bought a dead Woman's identity, changed my name, moved here."
Foreman, Is this related to why you were in Trenton yesterday?
Margaret, There's a support group for abused women at Trenton General. I go a lot.
Billy, What's his name?
Margaret," Please, don't do this. I don't �"
Billy, Just-just tell me.
Margaret, Carl.
Billy, Carl what?
Margaret," This is why I didn't tell you. 'Cause you go confront him, he'll kill you."
House," Well, I've got another name you can tell us instead. Yours."
Margaret, It's Jenny.
House," Now, some person seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX because I made you nervous. So this time, I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old doc House. A couple of pals Parkttin' the chat."
Chase, Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
House, Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned. Also because! I'm giving her a chance.
Chase, You're giving her a test.
House, This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail it sooner rather than later. Or pass. Arrhythmia and elevated LFTs rule out hepatic fibrosis. So heart and stomach.
Kelly, Gastritis.
House," Explains the stomach, not the heart."
Kelly, Atrial fibrillation?
House," Explains the heart, not the stomach."
Kelly," Sorry, sorry. Cystitis."
House, Explains the! nothing.
Kelly, I meant cholecystitis.
Foreman, It would have showed up on the physical exam. Do we have to sit here all day
Chase," You got a better answer than she does, then let's hear it."
House," I'm sure she's already starting to think how, if we put the symptoms together with the abusive ex, the fact that she'd just eaten, the open door! [she look blank] Rhymes with moison!"
Kelly," You think her ex-husband tried to poison her? Even if he found her somehow, these abusers have a pattern. He beat her with his hands. Poison's too impersonal. It doesn't fit."
House, Exactly. The counterargument is woof!
Taub, Her ex poisoned her dog.
Kelly, Oh! right.
Foreman, She said he used pesticides. He could have stuck some in her dinner.
House," Treat with pralidoxime. [He leans over to look at Chase.] ""A"" for effort?"
Foreman, House was wrong trying to come up with a compliCated reason you hired Kelly.
Chase, Thank you.
Foreman, It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.
Chase," Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime."
Foreman," I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well."
Chase, She's smart. You didn't interview her.
Foreman," I did glance at her resume. Middling grades, middling med school."
Chase, She was Editor for Rutgers' daily undergrad newspaper. That shows a lot more guts and determination than med school grades.
Foreman, Uh-huh. How long did you interview her?
Chase," 45 minutes, at least."
Foreman, How much of that was after you decided to hire her? You saw what you wanted to see.
Billy, This guy broke into our House?
Taub, That's the theory.
Margaret, I don't know. It could be true.
Billy, And you didn't tell me about him because you didn't trust me?
Margaret, I just didn't want you to get involved.
Billy, I'm already involved. We're married.
Margaret, It was the worst time in my life. I wanted to block it out. I'm sorry.
Billy, I gotta get out of here.
Margaret, Where are you going?
Billy, I don't know.
Cuddy, Hey! so I'm seeing you tonight
House, Yes. And you would have Even it you hadn't told me that.
Cuddy," I was just wondering, your masseuse!"
House, Brandi.
Cuddy," I'm sure I'm imagining this, although I'm not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little! how do I say this? I don't know. Um, a bit slutty."
House," She is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong."
Cuddy, What? Did you have sex with her?
House," Yesterday? Ah, you're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you."
Cuddy, But you used to have sex with her.
House," Well, it was a massage plus happy ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. [overly cheerful] Because of you! [serious now] I've tried 15 different massage therapists over the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better."
Cuddy, So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?
House," You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore."
Cuddy, I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.
House, Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?
Cuddy, Because I asked you to.
House," That's not really an argument, now, is it?"
Cuddy, I won't see you until you stop seeing her.
House," Well, that's an argument."
Kelly, How's our Patient doing?
Chase," Well, she's stable, but it's too early to tell if the Pralidoxime is working. Come on, go home. You can't re-cram all of med school right now."
Kelly, I'm feeling a lot of pressure here.
Chase, You were the editor of your school paper. I think you know how to deal with pressure.
Kelly," No, I wasn't."
Chase," On your resume it said ""Rutgers Daily Herald editor."" Didn't it?"
Kelly, I wasn't head of the paper. That's called editor in Parkef. I was just a writer. We're all called editors.
Chase, Ah.
Kelly, Did you hire me because of that?
Chase, Not entirely.
Kelly," Look, if you're having buyer's remorse!"
Chase," Oh, no, uh, I'm not. You might want to check out volume two on infectious diseases. [Chase's pager goes off] Patient's husband just got admitted to the E.R."
House, Let's say you had a really fantastic handyMan!
Wilson, I was hoping you'd interrupt my cooking to ask about handymen. Do go on.
House, Would Sam ask you to stop using him because you might have had a sexual relationship with him in the past?
Wilson," Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about Everything. Give in anyway."
House, This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.
Wilson," Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages."
House," The principle is she's being irrational. If I give in on this, it sets the stage for the whole relationship."
Wilson," Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for Every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize."
House, You finally made a good point.
Wilson," Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed."
House, [leaving] The kitchen's burning.
Wilson, Oh! [He turns to save the food.]
Chase," We've got to get you thinking like House. The husband's in the E.R. if he's got similar symptoms, it could mean environmental."
Kelly," Which helps organophosphate theory. Or maybe it's an infection, which would mean we were wrong."
Chase, Exactly.
Kelly, Or maybe he just got sick with something else.
Chase, Coincidence?
Kelly, Yeah.
Chase," All right, here's one big piece of advice. House doesn't buy coincidences. [Chase pulls back the curtain to find Billy. His face is pummeled and bleeding] Okay, it's not environmental. What happened to you?"
Billy, What's it look like?
Chase, Looks like someone kicked your ass. What happened?
Billy, I looked in her address book. There's a guy named Carl in Brooklyn.
Kelly, She told you to stay away from him.
Billy," I'm not so good at following direction sometimes. I found him, I got angry, which I also do sometimes. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. He wouldn't let me in. I got more pissed! Next thing I know, I'm on the floor and he's called the cops."
Chase, You get arrested?
Billy," No, he didn't press charges."
Kelly," Well, you should press charges. If he tried to poison her!"
Billy," No, he really didn't know what I was talking about. He's just some guy that Margaret � damn it, that's not Even her name � Jenny just � some guy that Jenny used to work with. I was stupid. I just assumed that the name Carl was! I just wanted to find the guy that poisoned my wife."
Chase, What's up?
Foreman, Pyrexia. 103 and rising.
Chase, I'll be right up. Your wife just spiked a fEver.
Billy, What's that mean?
Chase, She wasn't poisoned.
Chase, What are you doing?
House, Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband pRobably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book. [to Kelly] Would you mind standing next to the screen?
Chase," Yeah, she'd love to become a target for your ridicule."
House, She isn't already?
Foreman, Endocarditis?
Kelly, Normal EKG. No osler nodes.
House," Right, Dr. Kelly!"
Chase, Kelly's her first name.
House," What's your point, Dr. Robert?"
Foreman, Run an echo.
Kelly, I already did. No vegetations. Valves are clear.
House," Snapilicious! But as I always like to say, it's better to be a helpful Helen than a negative Nelly. So while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger. [a picture of a diseased foot shows on the screen] Oh, no. Hold on a second."
Chase," Oh, come on. House!"
Taub, Is that!? That's baby Chase and his mama! That's adorable!
House," NEver mind the baby, peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape."
Taub, They do actually look alike.
House," I know what you're thinking, Chase wants to sleep with his mom. But who wouldn't hit that if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called�"
Foreman, Stop. This isn't about Chase's mother.
Chase, You're wrong.
House, What do you mean he's wrong? It is about your mom?
Chase, No.
House, So it's about!
Kelly," I'm assuming he thought I'd be a good member of the team. And on that subject, what about Legionnaire's? Taub said he saw a rattly old air conditioner in the Patient's House."
Foreman," I don't care if he saw her licking a petri dish of bacilli, there's no lung involvement."
Kelly, All we know is we don't see it. Dehydration from the fEver could hide the pneumonia.
House," Okay, forget the mom theory. Go water the Patient, treat for Legionnaire's."
Foreman," Hey, Taub. You didn't write up the AC system. Did you mention it to Kelly?"
Taub, No.
Foreman, Did you mention it to Chase?
Taub, Yeah.
Foreman, Whose idea was Legionnaire's?
Kelly, Dr. Chase's.
House," Well, you get major points for trying to trick me. Unfortunately, you lose 'em all for failing. Hold that. Hold that. See, now you're frowning. You can really see the resemblance."
Chase, So who gives a crap if I prepped her?
Foreman," Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head."
Chase," Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better! or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?"
Foreman," We hire someone unqualified, it's just dead weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially."
Chase, You especially why?
Foreman, What do you mean why? Because I'm �
Chase, You're what? You're my boss or something?
Foreman, Something like.
Chase, So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different lEvel to Everyone else. That's just pathetic.
Foreman, I am at a different lEvel.
Chase," Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it."
Foreman, It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.
Chase, Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.
Felipe, I am Felipe.
Cuddy," Oh, you've gotta be kidding."
Felipe, Dr. House was worried how you left things. He's giving you a massage.
Cuddy, As an admission he was wrong?
Felipe, Yes.
Cuddy," Well, tell him thanks, but I have a meeting with Dr. Katz in 20 minutes."
Felipe," He says you would say that, and to say no, you don't."
Cuddy," Well, tell him he needs to stop canceling my appointments, because I will just reschedule them."
Felipe," He says you would say that, and to say! uh! [he pulls a paper out of his pocket and reads] that ""Dr. Schatz is a fat, lonely moron who, in an effort to have contact with huMan female, makes the same exact complaint about Parking spaces Every month. And you know you have to stop enabling him.""� I have great fingers."
Cuddy, [sighs] That's so nice.
Felipe, Thank you.
Cuddy, How long have you been a masseur?
Felipe," What is that! ""masseur""?"
Cuddy, A massage therapist.
Felipe," Oh, no, not long."
Cuddy, How did my boyfriend find you?
Felipe, Boyfriend?
Cuddy, Dr. House.
Felipe, He is your boyfriend?
Cuddy, Why is that surprising?
Felipe," I just mean, if he found me, I do not think he's got no girlfriend."
Cuddy, Are you a prostitute?
Felipe, Are you a cop? [whispers] Then no.
Cuddy, Get your hands off me.
Chase, I didn't know you smoked.
Kelly," I don't. [She tosses the cigarette.] I don't mind screwing up. I've screwed up in my life, and I've gotten over it. But I'm not a cheater, and I'm not a liar. And now I feel like both."
Chase, You're right. I'm sorry. You work with House and you kind of get a messed-up perspective of what's permissible in the workplace.
Kelly, Maybe I should just quit.
Chase, No. You're smart. You're hard-working.
Kelly," Yeah, but I'm not like you guys."
Chase," Use what makes you different. A lot of this job is reading people, dealing with them. You're a psyParkatrist! use your skills."
Kelly to Billy, Are you okay?
Billy, I checked with Trenton General. There's no support group for abused women.
Kelly, Maybe it was just �
Billy," If she was lying about that, what else is she lying about? I mean, maybe she wasn't Even abused. Maybe she's a criminal. Who the hell knows?"
Kelly," You don't know. That's the point. The way she's acting, that's the way abuse victims act. Their personalities are affected by what they went through. They find coping mechanisms."
Billy, I gotta talk to her about this Trenton thing.
Kelly," If you wake her up, make her feel defensive, it'll go bad. She doesn't need any more hostility or aggression in her life."
Billy, Okay.
Cuddy, Seriously? A massage from a male hooker?
House, He was? Huh. That doesn't bother me at all. I guess we both learned a valuable lesson.
Cuddy," Except that I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus, he was a gay hooker."
House," Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker? [She starts to leave. He follows her.] Oh, come on. It's a massage. I don't care who gives it to you. Why not treat me the same way?"
Cuddy, I'm sure that some part of you beliEves this idiocy. But you can't possibly be stupid enough to think that you can convince any part of me. And that can only mean you're trying to sabotage this relationship.
House, Why would I do that? We're doing fine.
Cuddy," Because the next step from fine is serious, and you can't handle that, so you're trying to keep me at arm's length with all this crap."
House, How about you?
Cuddy, I have been completely open with you.
House, You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.
Cuddy, But do you want to spend time with her?
House," Honestly! before this, I'd have said no. But! yeah. How are we Ever gonna be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?"
Cuddy," House! I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away!"
House, Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.
Billy," Hey, baby. I am not getting mad. I'm just trying to understand you here. There's no meeting like you talked about at Trenton General. You see, it turns out that �"
Margaret, It turns out � the turnout� [Margaret begins completely tweaking out] The turnout! It's been turned!
Billy, What?
Margaret, It's turning�
Billy, Hey! hey.
Margaret, The turnout � the turnout is turning!
Billy, You're going to burn.
Billy, What's happening to her?
House," It's hit her brain, whatEver it is."
Foreman, Opacity in the left temporal lobe.
Kelly, It could be nothing.
House, Which would get us nowhere. So let's assume it's something. What kind of something?
Taub, Abscess.
Chase, Or Lymphoma or Wegeners. We'd have to biopsy it to be sure. Any of them could explain all of the symptoms.
Kelly," You know, we're assuming Everything is connected."
Chase, Because it pRobably is.
Kelly," But her delusions are consistent with mental illness. Bipolar disease, for example. She's 30. It could he hitting her right now for the first time."
House," So her mind just happens to fall apart right after her body? Wow, I thought I was having a bad week."
Kelly, I know it sounds coincidental!
House," You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get rEvenge."
Foreman, Give her a break.
House," Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen!"
Foreman," I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen."
House, You are a true leader of men. Get someone to cut into her head and get me a biopsy.
Taub, Chase!
Chase," Just say ""hold on"" next time!"
Taub, Her temperature's normal.
Chase, So what. She was on the cooling blanket.
Taub, We took her off an hour ago. She should be febrile again.
Chase, Tell House one of the Patient's symptoms just disappeared.
Taub, Could it be Legionnaire's and our treatment worked?
Kelly," I wish, but no. We've been hydrating her, and there's still no lung involvement."
Chase," So relapsing, remitting fEver."
Taub, Malaria. Dengue.
House," Why wasn't she frozen? This morning? Put a healthy person on a cooling blanket, they'd be Parklled like a fine Chardonnay. She's a nice warm Merlot. 98.6 all day."
Kelly, I didn't want her to freeze.
House," So you titrated the blanket. As her fEver dropped, you lowered the power."
Kelly, Exactly.
House, So it's been on the lowest setting since when?
Kelly, Yesterday afternoon.
House, Which means we could have known that her fEver was gone yesterday afternoon.
Taub, The fEver was brief. Sounds like a reaction to the medication! The antibiotics.
Chase, Without vomiting?
House, When did she last puke?
Taub, Not since she was admitted.
House, Two down. Shooting for three.
Kelly, You're gonna turn her pacemaker off? You sure that's a good idea?
House," Nope. But it might be. [He disconnects it. Nothing happens.] No tachycardia, there's only the delusions left. If they're Even still there."
Kelly, Maybe it is a bipolar disorder. She's female. She's 30 �
Chase, it's not a coincidence. You've gotta stop doing this.
Kelly, But it could have been prompted by the physical symptoms.
House, [epiphany] You couldn't be more wrong. You've got the cause and effect backwards. Start her on haloperidol and Lorazepam. Give it a few hours to take effect. Call me when she wakes.
Chase, Still hallucinating.
House, Can you hear me? What are you looking at?
Margaret," The table, it's on fire."
House," If it was, think I'd be able to do this! [places hand in ""fire""�] without screaming for my mommy? [The flames disappear.]"
Margaret, Thank you.
House," Don't be too impressed. It's mostly the happy pills you put her on. But she can talk to us now. The obviously stupid lie you told us about your hospital records, it turns out to have been un-obviously un-stupid. You thought you wouldn't get caught because you thought that you'd be cured and back home by the time we spoke to the other hospital. Because you knew what was wrong with you. Your doctor was treating you with Risperidone, right? That's why you were in Trenton. You got the stomach pain, you went to see him, he wanted you to taper off."
Billy, Her doctor's not in Trenton.
House," Not the one you know about. If you haven't figured it out by now, your wife has a secret."
Billy, What the hell is he talking about? Is it about your ex?
House," The ex was not so much a secret, more of a lie."
Billy," You weren't married before, were you?"
Margaret, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to know about it.
Billy, Know-know about what?
House," She's sick. She's been sick for years. Maybe it put you on the streets. Maybe that's where you got the broken bones. She's only suffering from one condition. Everything else is side effects of the drug that was treating it. She stopped taking the drug, the side effects faded. But the underlying disease is still there. Why don't you tell your husband."
Margaret, Billy! I'm sParkzophrenic.
House, That's the kind of thing that a recent psyParkatric resident might have figured out.
Billy, What the hell am I supposed to do now?
House, Nothing. Her physical symptoms are gone. We'll put her on a different anti-psychotic for the mental ones. You can take a nap.
Billy, This is not who I married.
House, Of course she is. You just didn't know it.
Billy, I don't know if I can stay with her.
House," Sorry, as your marriage counselor, I'm not allowed to talk to you without your wife present."
Billy, Just-just tell me how hard it would be for us to handle this. Medically.
House," Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine. Apparently you haven't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness."
Billy, It's too hard.
House, It's always hard.
Chase," Okay, so I made a mistake. Kelly will make a fine doctor, but she's not ready for the team."
House, Up to you.
Chase, What? You like her now?
House," Nope. But she got me to the right answer, which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another shot, go for it."
Chase, Okay. I will.
House," Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. [He leaves the elevator, talking over his shoulder to Chase.] Come on, why else would you have hired her?"
Chase, [leaning so he can see House as the elevator doors close on him.] That's not why I hired her!
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House, I got bored with the porn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff? I wouldn't have to do this if you gave me the name of that physical therapist you like.
Cuddy, You done with Brandi?
House, Ehh! Knobby hands.
Cuddy," I will get you the name. Let's stay at my place tonight, okay?"
House, Will you get cable?
Cuddy, No.
House, Then we'll have to have more sex.
Cuddy, Okay.
Chase, What are you doing?
Kelly, Quitting before House fires me.
Chase, Hold on.
Kelly, We both know he is. But maybe there's a bright side.
Chase, What?
Kelly, You really looked out for me. You seem like a really good guy. And! I nEver date anybody who I work with. But!
Chase, Yeah! Sorry it didn't work out. You want to get dinner tomorrow night?
Cuddy, You want some more meat?
House," This is meat? [She smiles.] Yes, please. [He hands her his plate and smiles.]"
House," Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, kid. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. [He gently pries the cane from her hands and mouth.] Hey, hey, hey."
House, [sourly] Aren't you adorable.
 Taylor," Okay, you're doing good. You're doing good."
Abbey, You've still got the thing... [the lens cap is ripped off to rEveal a Woman in labor in a hospital bed. The film is obviously that of a home-video.] The stupid thing is still on!?
Justine," Mom, you don't have to yell at me."
Abbey," I've been in labor for over a dozen hours, Justine, and I have to yell. I thought you were gonna miss the whole thing."
Justine," Mom, it's a three-hour drive."
Abbey, That's why I called you yesterday after my water broke. [she moans again]
Justine, I'm sorry. A partner just dropped a brief on my desk.
 Taylor," Okay, you're doing good."
Abbey," Yeah, right. I remember what it's like, but family comes first. [groans]"
 Taylor, I need you to keep pushing. I can see her head.
Nurse," All right, come on. We're doing good here."
Abbey, Get this. This is what I wanted.
Justine, Gross!
Nurse, You're crowning.
Abbey, Are you getting � getting this?!
Justine," Kind of. Well, not the actual vagina."
Abbey, It's your baby sister!
Justine, It's my mother's vagina!
Abbey, Aaaaah!
 Taylor, Freeing the shoulders.
Abbey, Aaah!
 Taylor, Here she is � oh my God!
 Taylor, Get the NICU team in here. Baby's hypoxic.
Justine, Is something wrong?
Abbey, What's going on?!
Justine," I don't know, mom."
Abbey, My baby! How's my baby?
Justine, What are you doing?
Abbey, What are they saying?
Justine, I can't tell.
Abbey, Find out what's going on!
 Cheng, You need to back up. Turn that off.
Nurse, She's not responding.
Abbey, What's happening? [a hand partially obscures the camera lens] What's wrong with my baby? [the camera swings downward towards the floor] Why doesn't someone talk to me?!
House," Cancel your dinner plans. [Taub, Foreman, and Chase open the files] Short on medical history. She's only eight hours old. What she's not short on is doctors. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to solve her breathing pRoblems."
Foreman, Immature lungs?
Taub," Full term, and they gave her surfactant. Looks like they're fully dEveloped."
Cuddy, I need you a minute. [she heads into House's office]
House, [brief pause] Silent reading time till I get back. [he follows Cuddy]
Cuddy, My nanny called. Her daughter has a dance recital tonight. She can't work late. [House eyes her in confusion] And I have a board meeting tonight.
House, [shrugs] That's a pRoblem.
Cuddy, My mother can't come. She has a cooking class.
House," Oh, you've really got a pRoblem."
Cuddy, [sarcastically] If only there were... some mature adult in my life who could pinch hit in emergencies like this.
House," Love to, but I'm catParkng up on my back issues of Nudist Circus. You should see what the fat lady's got under her big top."
Cuddy, All I need is a warm body. She'll be asleep the entire time.
House, I got a sick baby here who needs me. Yours is healthy.
Cuddy, You could deal with your team by phone.
House, How about a little something extra when you get home?
Cuddy," I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting. Besides, you owe me."
House, For what?
Cuddy, Sex! I still don't see a female doctor in that room. It's making me very unhappy.
House," Fine. Out of the goodness of my heart, which will make you happy, which will make you desire me more, which will turn into more sex."
Cuddy, Be at my place at 7:00.
Taub, The sperm donor card from the father did note a history of asthma.
House, What if her lung pRoblems are not coming from her lungs?
Foreman, Her heart looks fine.
Chase, Her liver enzymes are elevated.
House," When the liver fails, it stops producing proteins. Specifically the ones that keep your plasma inside your blood vessels and outside your lungs. Fix the liver, she'll have enough breath to keep the entire ward up all night. [the team begins to get up] Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked The Bridges of Madison County."
Foreman, Do you want me to hire a white girl?
House," Go find a Woman, and wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face."
Foreman, This'll be quick. I've been interviewing people all week. I have it narrowed down to two candidates.
House," Well, narrow it down to one before Cuddy starts withholding sex."
Foreman," [smirks] Uh, she hasn't said anything to me about that."
House," I said, wipe the grin. [he leaves the room. Foreman looks after him almost affectionately.]"
 VO," Yeah, she's fine. I can hear her breathing on the monitor. [the camera pans over to show him eating popcorn in front of the TV] I just checked. I'm checking Every ten minutes. Fine. I'll check again."
Rachel, I'm thirsty.
House," Your mommy says no, 'cause she's mean. [shrugs] If it was up to me..."
Rachel, Juice!
House, No. Go back to bed. [she runs into the dining room instead.] I said bed! [she looks back at him mockingly and heads around the table]
House, Wilson! Hey. [smiles] You up for a boys' night in?
Taub," BeliEve it or not, breathing pRoblems can be caused by a liver pRoblem."
Abbey, Then what's wrong with her liver?
Taub," PRobably an abscess. If we find it with the ultrasound, we can drain it, make her better. You'll be able to take her home by the end of the week."
Justine, Is she bleeding?
Chase, She's oozing from her IV site. It's a symptom of liver failure. It's what we would expect to see.
Foreman," Dr. Cheng, we might need a unit of blood over here."
Taub, Echogenic area in the liver. Can you make it out?
Foreman, Doesn't seem to have the thick walls you'd expect from an abscess.
Taub, Lift her left shoulder so we can get a better look.
Abbey," Oh, can I do it? I haven't been able to hold her yet."
 Cheng," Uh, she's hooked up to too Many tubes and IVs."
Abbey, Can I at least donate blood?
 Cheng, Of course. We'll draw your blood and see if you're a match as soon as we're done here.
Foreman, That's definitely not an abscess.
Chase, It looks like dilated bile ducts.
Abbey, What does that mean? Can I still take her home soon? [there is a long pause as none of the doctors answer]
Taub," You were right about the liver. On ultrasound, we found intrahepatic dilated bile ducts. Extrahepatic ducts were normal."
 via speakerphone, [Soothing baby-talk] Are there any masses causing an obstruction? [Chase does a double-take.]
Taub, No. [long pause. He's leans closer to the phone] Are... you okay?
House," [sitting on Cuddy's couch with Rachel, attempting to calm her down] Just talking in a soothing voice. Not for your benefit. [cut back to team] Why? Is it turning you on? [Taub looks uncomfortable]"
Foreman," House, there's someone here I need you to meet. I just hired Dr. Christina Fraser. She's a board certified�"
House," Nice to meet you. [high, squeaky voice] You're fired."
 Frasier, ...What?
Foreman," House... you're kidding, right? I've done my due diligence. She's the best there is."
 Frasier, What did I do?
House, You had the misfortune to be the lesson that Foreman is learning. That whooshing sound is the air being let out of his ego.
Foreman," [angrily] You are such an ass, House. You could have made the same point without crushing the hopes of a young doctor who was actually excited to have this job."
House," No, I'm not sure I could have. [Chase looks tired, and Taub and Foreman dispirited] I think you give me far too much credit. Taub... [cut back to House and Rachel] it's your turn to find a young doctor who's actually excited to have this job."
 via speakerphone, For you to fire?
House, Not until you or she earns it. [cut back to team] Dilated bile ducts could be congenital.
Chase, That means that it's a stricture in the ducts themselves. Caroli's syndrome.
House," So, open her up."
Taub, Surgery? [he glances from Chase to Foreman in disbelief] This is a newborn with liver failure. She's oozing blood from Every puncture site. It's insanely risky to open her up.
 via speakerphone," Yes. It's unfortunately also the only way to fix her. [cut back to House] So make teeny, tiny incisions with a really small scalpel. [Doorbell rings] Gotta go."
Wilson, You told me you gave them your credit card...
House, And you were dumb enough to beliEve me. [Wilson walks into the House and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five.
Wilson," [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't."
House," Oh, yes, I do."
Wilson, [shocked] You're not gonna leave the kid?
House," Yes, I am. [he begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience."
Wilson," [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave. [House parries, and they end up pressed against the door.]"
Wilson, You're not gonna leave a two-year-old unattended.
House, Sure. I'm leaving her with you. A responsible adult. [he opens the door and leaves]
Wilson, Better get back in there. Kid's all alone. [they walk down Cuddy's front yard towards the street.]
House," It's kind of bugging you, isn't it?"
Wilson, Not my pRoblem.
House," [they descend the steps to the sidewalk] Well, since, objectively, you care more about leaving a Parkld alone than I do, it kind of is."
Wilson," Objectively, since I nEver accepted this responsibility, it kind of isn't. [he opens his car door]"
House," [mounts his motorcycle] True, and yet it is. Because you're you."
House, I'm leaving.
Wilson, I'm leaving.
House, [confidently] You're not gonna leave. You can't. [Wilson struggles with that for a minute]
Wilson," [he turns his engine off and gets out of the car] Fine. You're right. [he walks up to House] You know what I can do? I can go in there and call a babysitting service for 15 bucks an hour, then call Cuddy and tell her who's watParkng her kid and why."
House," [he considers that, then turn off his engine as well.] I'll stay if you stay. [Wilson stands there for a long moment.]"
Wilson, [he and House still frozen] ...We were gone two minutes.
House," [still appearing rather shellshocked] What have you got there, sweetie? [Rachel looks amused. Wilson kneels cautiously in front of her.]"
House," [coaxingly] Come on now, spit it out."
Wilson," Come on, sweetie. Open. [Rachel continues chewing. Wilson begins miming an opening mouth with his hand] Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Bah bah bah!"
Wilson," [awkward baby-voice] Open... [Rachel opens her mouth, and Wilson attempts to find whatEver she was eating. She bites.] Ow! [he finally retriEves a quarter. House and Wilson look annoyed and frightened.]"
House, [now in the foreground] Rachel... how Many coins did you eat? [Wilson nods encouragingly in the background. Rachel looks from one to the other and doesn't answer. House and Wilson look at each other.]
Chase, Isolating the common bile duct.
Taub, And mobilizing the distal end for cannulation.
Foreman, BP is down to 50 systolic. You've got to stop the cannulation.
Taub, I haven't started yet!
Cheng, Hit her with a bolus of phenylephrine. That should buy us enough time to get in and dilate those bile ducts.
Foreman, BP is rising. 70 systolic.
Taub, Nice. I'm in the common bile duct.
Cheng, Advancing past the cystic duct. No strictures or blockages so far.
Foreman, BP is dropping again.
Chase, Another bolus of phenylephrine.
Cheng, She can't take more. The first bolus is still in effect.
Taub, I was barely in.This doesn't make sense.
Foreman," The liver pRoblem alone is not gonna mess with the baby's BP. WhatEver this is, it's got to be affecting her heart."
Chase, Heart plus the liver. Could be tuberous sclerosis.
Foreman," Or it could be a vascular malformation in the liver, causing both pRoblems."
Taub, So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?
Chase, Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.
Foreman, No surgery. A newborn baby can't handle another trip to the O.R.
Taub, I didn't mean think-think. I meant think as a... potential hire.
Chase," What if we started the baby on steroids an anti-angiogenesis agent, and dopamine?"
Foreman, Could work just as well as surgery. Snap those bad blood vessels shut. I'll call House to get approval. [pulls out his phone while Taub and Chase continue towards the elevator.]
Taub," So, what was that shrug? A ""Dr.-Cheng-could-work"" shrug? Or a ""House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-Even-considering-her"" shrug? [Chase shrugs again. Taub is irritated] ...You suck."
Chase," House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone."
Taub, So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him? [Foreman can be seen in the background trying to contact House]
Chase, Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.
Taub, Unless... House feels like hiring her is his idea...
Foreman, Still not answering. We should just start the treatment.
Wilson," [perusing the restaurant menu] Okay... you ordered the moo shoo pork... and the orange cashew Parkcken, right?"
House, Like I always order. Did you clean up in there?
House," [shrugs] Well, he could have shortchanged you. Fridge magnet's not getting anything."
Wilson," [exasperatedly] That's because it's a fridge magnet! Unless she swallowed a Canadian dime, it's not magnetic."
House," Really? [Wilson nods] I mean, kids swallow things all the time, right? [Wilson shrugs] I mean, she swallowed a dime, she poops it out. She'll be fine."
Wilson," Absolutely. [pause] Unless it gets stuck in her intestine and causes a blockage, which could kill her."
Wilson," If you don't tell Cuddy, I will go out there and tell her myself!"
House," [hissing] Yeah? What are you gonna tell her? Are you gonna tell her that... you left coins out? [he advances on Wilson, who backs away] And you left her Parkld unsupervised?!"
House , [outraged] You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!
Wilson," [erratic gestures] Shh! Shh shh shh shh! Tell her! [he leaves. House glaces irresolutely from the window to Rachel's crib, then heads into the hall.]"
Cuddy," [enters the hall] Did she wake up at all? [House looks guilty, but says nothing]"
House, ...One time.
Cuddy, [immediately worried] That's not like her... is she all right?
House, She's fine. [Cuddy smiles and kisses him] How about I stay the night? Then you can really thank me.
Cuddy, I have to get up early. You won't be able to sleep in.
House," I'm a deep sleeper. [Cuddy smiles and heads into her bedroom. House starts to follow her, but stops to look guiltily at Rachel's door.]"
Taub, Round two. Did Justine go home? [Abbey gets up from her chair]
Abbey, Said she was going downstairs for a few minutes. A few hours ago.
Taub, So... you two are close?
Abbey," Well, it's been getting better, actually. At least she's here in the building. That's pretty supportive for her. [Taub looks at the baby] What is it?"
Taub, She's pinker.
Abbey, Is that bad?
Taub, That's good. ...That's very good.
Abbey, Was that her?
Abbey, Can I hold her?
Taub, I think it's long overdue.
Abbey, Oh! [Justine approaches the room and watches her mother from the doorway] Ohh... My first time... Finally...
Justine," Technically, it's your second time."
Abbey, [looks up at her older daughter] I didn't mean�
Justine," I know, mom. [she looks sad and tired]"
Taub, Looks like it was a vascular malformation. The Grogan baby is better.
 Cheng," Nice job! [she sits down and talks to the girl in the MRI maParkne] Okay, ready, Honey. So stay very, very still and hold your breath. Don't move."
Cheng, [exasperatedly] She moved. They always move.
Taub," [sits down] ...It is a good job. [Cheng nods] Diagnostics. Solve a mystery, save a life. But I suppose you're pretty attached to pediatrics?"
Cheng," [gestures for him to wait] I'm sorry, Ms. Young, but I'm gonna have to ask you to restrain your daughter. [pause] Now the mom's not gonna want to do it, because she'd rather I just keep blasting her daughter with radiation... [she looks at Taub] You're telling me... that there's an opening in House's department?"
Taub, Would you be interested?
Cheng," No more kids, no more parents. One case at a time instead of sEventeen? [she nods] Set up the interview."
Taub, It's possible you won't need to interview. [Cheng looks at him questioningly]
Cuddy, [Half-awake] Huh?
House," [leans over her for a split-second, then leaves the room at a run] Relax, I got this."
Cuddy, [bemused] Oh... thanks.
House," [cringes at the smell] Pfft! [Rachel laughs. House puts a small light in his mouth and begins examining the contents of Rachel's diaper. Cuddy wanders in, still looking half-awake.]"
Cuddy, Is Everything okay?
House," [snatches the light out of his mouth] Yeah, sorry, I'm just... new to all this."
Cuddy, You want me to reset the alarm?
House," [opens one eye] God, no. Case is under control. I'm sleeping in."
Cuddy, Your boss must really like you. [she kisses his cheek and leaves. The camera lingers on House for a moment.]
 from the other room," Hey, Marina! [House jumps up] Pasta's in the fridge"
House," I assume, since you're calling so early, that the surgery was a rousing success."
Foreman," And I assume, since you still think we actually did the surgery, you haven't checked your messages in eight hours. Where are you?"
House," I beliEve this is what your people term a ""poopy call""."
Foreman," [chuckles confusedly] Uh, the word is ""booty""."
House," Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopy call."
 over the phone, It's not Caroli's syndrome. Dr. Cheng spotted a�
House," [confusedly] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! I know about the Jew, the black, and the croc-hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on?"
Taub, [exasperated] Dr. Cheng... is the NICU attending on the case. And she's not here.
House," Well, then I just wasted a perfectly good racial epithet."
Taub, She spotted a vascular malformation in the baby's liver.
House, Good call... Except for Everything you just said. There's no way that our Patient has a vascular malformation. [stands up from Cuddy's bed.]
Chase, And you can tell that from the vast amount of information you've gleaned from not being here?
House, Don't need to be there to remember that the Patient's A.L.T.s were three times normal. The baby's liver damage is far too extensive. Dr. Cheng's an idiot.
Taub," In fairness, it wasn't completely her idea. More of a Foreman kinda thing. [Foreman looks indignant, and Taubs shrugs at him.]"
House," Well, then you're an Even bigger idiot for trying to cover for her."
Foreman," House, we treated for a vascular malformation, and she got better!"
House," [pause] No, she didn't. Call me when she crashes again. [hangs up]"
Taub, ...That went well.
Abbey, Everything okay? Come on. I know that look.
Justine, I'm just... not used to seeing such emotion coming from you.
Abbey," I just gave birth. I'm, like, one big vat of hormones right now."
Justine," It's not just the hormones, mom! You're different with her. It's okay. It's good. It's just... I can't help thinking ""where was this mom when I was growing up?"""
Abbey, Wow. I nEver realized you considered me such a failure as a mother.
Justine, I don't consider you a failure. I just � [sighs] ...I nEver knew that there was an alternative.
Justine, Mom... something's wrong.
Abbey, Oh! Nurse! She's bleeding again! [The baby's entire backside is covered with blood. The nurses rush in and take her from Justine.]
Wilson," [quietly] All right, she's in her office. Move fast."
House," [cautiously pushing the cart inside] You see a double-wide tuchus coming this way, you scream like a girl."
Wilson," [nervously] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy Everything."
House," She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window. [they hurry through the lobby. Cuddy can be seen emerging from the clinic in the background.]"
Wilson," Medusa at 6:00! [they begin to run] Don't look back. Move, move! [Cuddy, unsuspecting, enters the clinic.]"
Wilson, [awkwardly] Hello. [They stare uncomfortably at each other for a long moment.]
Wilson, [puts his outspread hands up to his temples] Hello... I'm the friendly moose who lives outside your bedroom. [Rachel looks upset and pulls her shirt up over her eyes.]
House, [annoyed] She hates that moose.
Wilson, [rolls his eyes] Hand me the gel.
Wilson, [to Rachel] ...Okay.
House," [to Taub over the phone] Make it short. And do not pardon the pun. [Wilson gestures for the ultrasound wand, and House hands it to him.]"
Taub, [choppy and indistinct] She's crashing again. Where are you?
House," [backs into the door, where a ""no cell phones' sign is visible] Is it actually important that I understand what you say?"
Taub, What? [the call disconnects]
House, Yeah?
Taub, The baby's bleeding again.
House," I'm shocked! Oh, no, wait a minute � that's you."
Taub," Yes, you're a genius.The bleeding means her liver is still failing. It's not a vascular malformation."
Wilson," [looking at the ultrasound monitor] House, come take a look at this."
House, Hold that thought. [he presses the phone into his shoulder and goes to stand next to Wilson.]
Taub," [over the phone] House, no! I need you!"
Wilson, [points at the screen] Just past the ileocecal valve.
House, [worried] It's nothing. It's just an irregularity.
Wilson, It's a dime!
House, Or a pocket of air.
Wilson," Yeah, with FDR's face on it."
House, That's not a face. It's a shadow.
Wilson," House, the thing is perfectly round."
House," Well, move the wand to the side."
Rachel, [laughs] Tickles!
Wilson, [baby voice] That's because I'm the tickle monster.
Wilson," Gonna tickle you Even more! [to House] Look at""�look at that."
House, [shakes his head] We need an X-ray to be sure.
Wilson," Great, just give her an unnecessary dose of radiation. It's a dime!"
Taub," [from outside] House, I know you're in there! Open the door! [House and Wilson look unsure what to do]"
Taub, I saw your extension on the call. What are you doing down here?
House," Uh, Wilson's got a two-year-old with cancer. She's in a lot of pain. It's very sad."
House, He also has an outstanding bedside Manner. [Taub still looks suspicious]
Taub, ...Her liver failure is getting worse. You were right. Now what?
House," The interesting question is not why she's worse now, but why she got better in the first place."
Taub, Could have been something we did that temporarily reliEved the�
House, What'd you put her on again?
Taub," After the transfusion, we gave her steroids, dopamine, and the anti � [pauses] steroids can treat idiopathic hepatic fibrosis. It would explain why she got better and then worse."
House, But not the multiple dilated ducts.
Wilson," [from inside the room] House, I need you back in here! [Taub looks at House pleadingly]"
House," Cancer kid trumps liver kid. [he enters the room and Taub tries to follow him.] Sorry. Confidentiality. There are rules, you know. [he slams the door in Taub's face]"
Wilson, That... is a dime.
House, [looks at the monitor] It looks mobile. And it's right in the middle of the colon. Prime location for pooping out. We'll give her some laxatives to help it on its way.
Wilson," [to Rachel] Sounds to me like someone's going to get some yummy chocolate. [he imitates a chewing motion with his hand, and Rachel does the same.]"
House, [looks at Wilson and takes the ultrasound wand back from him] You're gonna make a great mommy one day. [He gets his epiphany-face and rushes to the door. Taub is still outside.] Thanks for waiting. Hook the mom up to the baby. Direct blood transfusion.
Taub, ...And what else?
House," Nothing else. [He retreats into the exam room, and Taub gapes at the door.]"
Taub, [looks at the Parkld] It's amazing. She's pink and healthy again.
House, Mother's touch.
Abbey, It's a miracle. Thank you.
Taub, A blood transfusion isn't a cure.
House, Or a miracle.
Taub, [quietly] Then why does the baby seem like she's cured?
House, I have no idea.
House," Our Patient can either go through life with the world's longest umbilical cord, or we can discuss the differential for magic blood. [The door slides open, and Dr. Cheng walks out. Taub beckons to her.]"
Cheng, [smiles and approaches them] Baby's O2-stats
House," Either you're Dr. Cheng, or you're early for my Mani-pedi."
Taub, I thought her expertise could�
House, Could tell us the O2-stats. [speaks to Cheng] I hope you come with some original ideas. [Chase does a double-take.]
Cheng," Either the mom's blood is special, which would mean it's treating something specific, which means the baby has a disease... Or mom's blood is just blood, and it's replacing something the baby is missing, which means the baby has a simple deficiency."
House," Given the liver failure, a deficiency of clotting factors, enzymes, or vitamins are the most likely."
 Cheng, So let's find out. Hook the baby up to someone else's blood and see if she gets better.
House, Find a donor.
Taub," I'm O Negative, universal donor."
House," Hook yourself up. Dr. Cheng, hook me up. Walk with me. [they head down the hall.] My team seems to have taken a shine to you."
Cheng, I like them too.
House, I assume you're hanging around because you want a job.
Cheng, That would be a fair assumption.
House," Well, I'm gonna have to test you. Let's say, two-year-old... swallowed a coin twenty hours ago. She's gonna be fine, right?"
Cheng, Any signs of obstruction?
House," For the purposes of this quiz, let's say ""not yet""."
Cheng," I'd give a laxative, although I wouldn't wait too long. Her bowel could become ischemic, or worse, an intussusception."
House," [look uncomfortable] Define ""too long."""
Cheng," Another six hours, max. By then, her system is clear. If it's not out, it's not coming out."
House," And then what do I do? [hastily] I mean, what do you do? It's your test."
Cheng, [slightly surprised] I'd go in with a scope and get it. [pause] Did I pass?
House, [enters the men's bathroom] It's not up to me. Talk to Taub.
House," [to Wilson, who's giving Rachel laxative candies] Men's room?"
Wilson, Turns out toilets are handy in this situation. And I felt relatively sure that Cuddy wouldn't come in.
House," Oh, Cuddy's been in here."
Wilson," Seriously? This must be a terrible place to have s� [he cuts himself off, remembering Rachel's presence., and gestures awkwardly.]"
House," [leers at Wilson] Is there such a place? [brings himself back to the situation at hand.] Okay, six more hours, then we're going in with a scope and pulling it out."
Wilson, Scope a two-year-old? It's dangerous.
House," And as you keep pointing out, so is a dime ripping through her intestines."
Wilson," Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. [sarcastically] But no big deal. I'll just scream ""look over there!"" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum."
House," I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out."
Wilson, Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.
House, I wish I was nicer. [something catches his eye] Hey. Give me your radiation dosimeter.
Wilson, Why?
House, Because it matches my eyes. [Wilson gives up and hands him the dosimeter. House leaves.]
Taub," I think we can say this isn't working. We'll get her back on your blood. That'll help for now, But this means there's an infection. First we need to identify it. We know it's in her liver, so we'll get a sample. Then we can figure out how to help her get better."
Abbey," [nods sadly] I had this baby because I... wanted a chance to be a ""special mom"". But... not this way."
Cuddy, [sits down] PRoblems in radiology. A radiation dosimeter badge turned positive. I could have a CT Scanner that's leaking... a spilled vial of thallium somewhere... I don't Even know whose badge it was. The code was scratched off.
House," [looks confused] That had to be intentional. I mean, why would anyone�"
Cuddy, [covers her eyes with her hand] I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna need to work late. I was actually hoping that you could baby-sit.
House, [overly dramatic] Nooo...
Cuddy, Please.
House, [whiny] Two nights in a row?
Cuddy, Please.
House," I have a life, you know."
Cuddy," [leans over his desk, deliberately exposing her cleavage] I will make it worth your while."
House, I am not going to bargain babysitting for sex. [is distracted by said cleavage] Who the hell said that? Of course I will.
Cuddy," Thank you. [they kiss, and Cuddy leaves. House looks very satisfied with himself]"
Abbey," [looking at the needle] Oh, that thing's nearly as big as she is."
Taub, Don't worry. I've done this at least once before. [Abbey smiles halfheartedly]
Foreman, Advance another centimeter and you're in.
Abbey," Oh, God, that looks awful. Is that from the infection?"
Foreman, [looks at Taub] No. It means we were wrong. [pause] It's a melanoma.
Abbie," You mean, like skin cancer? [incredulously] How would she get that? She's nEver been outside."
Taub, But... you have.
Abbey," You're saying I gave my baby cancer? [Taub nods, and she looks heartbroken.]"
 VO, I found a mole under the nail on her left index finger. The biopsy rEvealed it's melanoma.
House, That's it? [is distracted by the team's take-out meal] How come no one got me food?
Cheng," What do you mean, ""that's it""? The Woman has melanoma. She could die if we don't�"
House," Boring. Since the baby has the melanoma, we kind of already knew the mom had it."
Cheng," Yes, but now we know where it is, so we can � [she is distracted as House attempts to take Taub's food and Taub slaps House's hand away] ...treat it much more effectively, so..."
House," Great. So treat her. Also boring. What's interesting is that mom's melanoma spread to the baby in-utero, which means it's metastatic, which means it's late stage. How Many people with a late stage melanoma are as healthy as she is?"
Foreman," Clearly, something's going on in mom's blood that's treating her melanoma as well as her baby's."
House, Antibodies.
Foreman," If her immune system was fighting the melanoma, it nEver would have spread."
House," Exactly, which means it's fighting something else, and the melanoma cells are getting caught in the crossfire. So what's mom's immune system really shooting at?"
Taub, Scleroderma can cause cancer-fighting antibodies.
Chase, So can Churg Strauss... pretty much any auto-immune disease.
Cheng," Or infections that cause granulomas, TB, mycobacteria."
House," See, Dr. Cheng? This is not boring. [she smiles] Start with auto-immune. Go test her blood. [to Taub] And leave your food. [Taub picks up his meal and stalks out of the room. House looks disgruntled.]"
Taub, You can't blame yourself.
Abbey," I ate all the right foods, I read all the books and the studies, and [laughs sadly] I... Even hired a private detective to research each sperm donor. [Taub smiles at her.] I just missed one big thing. My own cancer."
Taub, I'm all done here. We'll have the results soon.
Abbey, And if that's what this is? An auto-immune disease?
Taub, Treatment's... fairly simple.
Justine, And if it's something else?
Taub, Let's just take this one step at a time. [to Abbey] Stop beating yourself up. [he leaves.]
Justine," I'm sorry, mom. Not just for this, but for what I said earlier. [she gets up] I was jealous and angry, and... I lashed out. But you were a great mom. You are a great mom."
Abbey, I don't deserve such a good daughter. [She breaks down. Justine comes and holds her hand while she cries.]
Chang, Negative for scleroderma...
Taub," So, what did House want earlier?"
Chang," He just gave me a little quiz and said he was okay with hiring me, but that it was your decision. Negative for dermatomyositis."
Taub, He's just saying that to set me up.
Chang, So you're � you're not offering me the job?
Taub," If he wants me to offer you the job, something's going on."
Chang, That... was my thinking too. It's not Lupus.
Taub," Things with House are nEver as simple as they seem. Trust me, he's got an ulterior motive, and I've got to figure it out before I do anything."
Chang, ...Okay. [sighs] Mom's negative for Churg Strauss. This isn't auto-immune. Time to scan her for infections that could cause granulomas?
Wilson," [digging in Rachel's diaper with a pencil, while on the phone with House] Third poop in the last half-hour. Still nothing."
Foreman, Either it's a trap or it's not. Just hire her.
Taub," Lungs clear for granulomas... Yeah, who cares? Did you enjoy that bear trap snapping on your leg yesterday?"
Foreman," You do realize it's just a metaphorical trap? You'll still have all your limbs. [Taub shows mock-relief.] Fourth rib about the midclavicular line. You're over-thinking this. House fired my pick sight-unseen. He was nEver Even interested in Chase's pick, he was only obsessed with how she reflected on Chase. Dr. Cheng is the only candidate he's actually responded to. You wanted House invested. He is. Hire her."
Taub, And you think I'm over-thinking this?
Foreman, Shut up and hire her.
Taub, [the smug look fading from his face] ...Look. [he points to a scan.]
Foreman, Oat cell lung cancer.
Taub, She has two cancers?
Taub, Cancer treating cancer?
Taub, You have lung cancer.
Abbey, I thought I had skin cancer.
Taub," As unlikely as it sounds, you have both. [Justine looks confused]"
Foreman," Actually, the lung cancer is basically treating the skin cancer. It's why you're not feeling sick. And why your blood's helping your baby."
Taub," We found it early, so it should be treatable. In a way, your daughter saved your life. We'll get you set up for the surgery and start you on chemo."
Abbey, What about Kayla?
Taub, She'll only need the chemo.
Abbie, [confused] Can't you just keep giving her my blood?
Taub, Not once we cut out the tumor. Your body will stop making the antibodies that are keeping your baby healthy.
Abbey, Can you hold off on my surgery?
Foreman," Over the last day, your baby's liver tumors have shrunk 15%. Projecting forward, it would take eight or nine days to completely eradiCate her cancer cells."
Abbey, So let's take the eight or nine days�
Foreman," The cancer pRobably won't spread in the next nine days, but there are other risks. Cancer thickens your blood, which could cause clots."
Abbey, What are the risks to putting my baby on chemo?
Taub," It could damage her brain or affect her dEvelopment, but these risks are small compared to the risks that you would be taking by leaving your cancers untreated."
Abbey, I want to wait.
Justine, Mom. Are you listening? This is way too dangerous.
Abbey, I'll take the risks. I want what's best for my daughter.
Justine, I'm your daughter too.
Abbey, She's a baby. You're an adult.
Justine, So what? I don't need my mom anymore?
Abbey, [bitterly] No. You nEver did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you. But look at you. You turned out great.
Justine," [angrily] Oh, you don't know if I'm great. You don't know me at all. And I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me."
Abbey, [coldly] I'm not martyring myself. It's nine days. [to Taub and Foreman] Let's hold off on the surgery. [They nod. Justine walks away.]
Wilson," You brought food? This is a medical procedure, not a dinner date!"
House," I'm aware that this is a deliCate procedure. I'm also aware that my hands are shaking from low blood sugar 'cause I haven't eaten all day. So while this may seem insensitive, this crucial, lifesaving moo shoo � [he looks in the paper bag and is pulled up short] where are my extra pancakes? Damn it, they forgot the extra pancakes for my moo shoo pork. Every time that new girl with the blue streak in her hair answers the phone, they screw up."
House, Was she there when you picked up the food?!
Wilson, You ordered extra pancakes?? How much did they cost? [They dive for the menu.] Where�
House, [points to the paper] 55 cents. And there were two.
Wilson, So that means the total on the last bill was�
House, Was�
House, [together] $18.42.
Wilson, [together] $18.42.
Wilson, ...Yeah. [he sinks down on the couch.] So the image that we saw on the ultrasound�
House," Was obviously just a pocket of air, like I said all along. But you saw the worst case scenario... [sits next to Wilson] ...like Every irrational, worried parent. [leans forward and snags the bag of food from the table, then settles back down.] You'd make a terrible mommy. [digs in the bag.]"
Wilson, [nods; there is a long pause]... give me some dumplings? [House does.]
Justine," Mom, I brought you some � [she pauses, then rushes forward. We see Abbey again, and she is unconscious.] Mom? Mom! [she takes Abbey's pulse.] We need help in here! Somebody help us! [She rushes out of the room, and the camera lingers on Abbey's face.]"
 VO, Massive pulmonary embolism...
Taub, ...she died in seconds.
Cheng, Wouldn't have happened if she let us remove the tumor.
Taub," PRobably not. Postmortem, we were able to harvest all of her blood. It's enough to treat the baby."
Cheng, That's something.
Taub, Pretty amazing case. Thanks for your help.
Cheng, I was glad for the chance to work it with you.
Taub," I've thought about it, and... [he sits down with her at the table] ...I'd like to formally offer you the job."
Cheng," It's funny, I""�I wanted to work on House's team... until I started working with his team."
Taub," [slightly smug] Yeah, I know. Chase and Foreman can get a little�"
Cheng," Actually, it's you. [Taub's smile slides right off his face.] I get that House is an ass, but at least he owns it."
Taub, You don't understand. This whole thing was just a game to House. I didn't have a choice.
Cheng," You're a grown Man, Dr. Taub. You can make whatEver choices you want, and instead of hiring me when he said you could, you chose to act like a paranoid, scared little kid. [pause] I hate kids. [calmly] Good-bye, Dr. Taub."
Justine," I'll make sure you nEver forget her... and what she did for you. She was just trying to be the best mom in the world. She was. [she kisses the baby's forehead, and Foreman walks in with a bag of Abbey's blood. Justine stands aside as he begins to prepare the transfusion.]"
House, [eyes still closed] This one's all yours.
Cuddy, What happened to helping out?
House, ...I did.
 VO, Did someone go poopy?
 VO, [shocked and worried] What? How'd you eat a dime??
 VO, House!
Male announcer," This election day, the fate of our borders is in your hands. John Moreno wants to invite illegal immigrants into our country. He wants to give them our jobs. He wants to give them our healthcare. John Moreno wants to give them the American dream, and he wants you to pay for it. [People yelling) John Moreno. Whose side is he really on?"
Anderson, Whose side is he really on?
Anderson, So do I.
Dugan," Shh! Come on, Hal. Your position on work visas is irrelevant. He's talking about a path to citizenship. I'm telling you, this ad wins you the election."
Anderson," By insulting one of my core constituencies. Come on, in '04 I had 45% of the Latino vote."
Dugan, And this year you're running against a guy named Moreno.
Anderson," This isn't one of your races in South Carolina or Oklahoma, Joe. This is New Jersey! People vote for me because I'm a moderate."
Dugan," Well, that's great. You can be the most moderate ex-senator in the country. Hal, the election is sEven days away, and Even our own internals show you down six points."
Anderson, We've always been the underdog. And we've always found a way to win.
Dugan," I know. Because you have always let me do what's needed to be done. Now, I can have this on the air tomorrow."
Anderson," No, no."
Anderson," No, absolutely not. This could totally galvanize the left. (noticing Joe's scratParkng) You all right, Joe?"
Anderson, What the hell? That's not a rash.
Dugan, Maybe I should call a doctor.
Anderson, You better call an ambulance.
Cuddy," What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know! It's a sausagefest."
House," Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree."
Cuddy, I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.
House, It's coming along.
Cuddy, You've had plenty of time to find someone.
House, I've found plenty of someones. Just haven't kept them.
Cuddy, It's time to end the cycle. (handing him a file) Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.
Cuddy, She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.
House, She'll be incredibly useful if my next Patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.
Cuddy, This isn't a suggestion.
House," Just because my sausage has been filling your bun, it doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor Parkps I nosh on during the day."
Cuddy," Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss. (she leaves)"
Taub," Patient is Joe Dugan, 42, political consultant. Presents with palpable purpura, and ALT and AST are through the roof."
House, Otherwise known as rash and liver damage. Fascinating.
Foreman," Senator Anderson sent this case to us, and personally requested we take a look. That's reason enough for me."
House, Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
Foreman, I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.
House," Martha M. Masters? I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor. Take a seat."
Chase, She's a med student?
House, Cuddy thinks she's some kind of genius. Say something brilliant.
Masters," Oh, I! I don't!"
House, Capital of Azerbaijan?
Masters, Baku.
House, Year Beethoven died?
Masters,1827
House, 20th decimal of Euler's number?
Masters, Six. (she giggles) It's my favorite constant.
House," She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait! the Internet has breasts. (He sits down.)"
Foreman," Our Patient's liver damage explains the rash and cryoglobulins we found in his blood, but we can't explain the liver damage. Shows no other signs of drug or alcohol abuse."
House," Now all we've gotta do is figure out which one is bimbo and which one is bite-size. Also, which monster truck won the 2004 thunder nationals?"
Chase, Hep C makes sense.
Foreman, Test came back negative. Same for Hep A and B.
House, The answer we were looking for is Virginia Giant. Feel free to Parkme in on either conversation. (she nods.)
Taub," Hate to steal the spotlight from small wonder over here, but what about toxic exposure?"
Chase, Tetrachloroethylene. Could Even be pennyroyal or sassafras oil.
House," Go to his House, get me some chemicals. (addressing Masters) You wanna stay on this team, have an opinion. (she leaves the room with the team.)"
Masters," Oh, cool! Tudor revival arParktecture. Steeply pitched, asymmetrical roof over the entrance. But it doesn't have the half timbering over the facade."
Taub," Doesn't say anything about medicine, can't shut up about arParktecture. Great."
Masters," I know. I don't know what happened. Being around House! he's such a legend, he's so intimidating. I'm not like that around ordinary people.(Chuckles softly) Uh, not that you guys are ordinary. (they both stare at her.) It's just that he's so brilliant and you work under him, so you're not as imposing. Um! I'm gonna be quiet."
Taub, Good idea.
Masters, Dugan didn't give you a key?
Foreman," If Patients know we're coming, they can hide something relevant to their illness intentionally or unintentionally. Their knowledge changes things."
Taub, Are you a vampire? It's okay. We're inviting you in.
Masters," But our Patient didn't. I can't do this, I'm sorry."
Taub," Well, she's gonna be a big help."
Foreman," Yeah, what a rube being uncomfortable breaking into a stranger's House."
Taub," Part of our job description, not the most morally ambiguous part."
Foreman," Give her a chance. She's fresh, enthusiastic, has no bad habits we need to reteach."
Foreman, Is this attitude about her not having an M.D. after her name? Because I wonder if it has more to do with her being a brainiac.
Taub, That's not it at all.
Foreman, I'm not thrilled someone else might be the smartest person on the team now. I can only imagine how you feel.
Foreman," Oh, yeah? You find this? (He holds up a big jar of apple cider.)"
Foreman," A jug of unpasteurized cider. It could be tainted with E coli, and that's what's causing the liver to shut down."
House, E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider! (Having a fake epiphany) Pork cider! (Points at Taub) I need the number of the patent office.
Foreman, There are indirect ways of attracting E coli.
Taub, Masters refused to go on the search with us.
House," Interesting. Which raises the question, (looking suspiciously at Taub) what is your pRoblem with her?"
Foreman, He is intimidated by her intelligence.
House, Why would that bother Taub? He's been working with people smarter than him for a long time. I think perky new girl makes him feel old.
Taub, She's basically the same age as Thirteen.
House," Yeah, but she's a student. Makes you contemplate your med school days. Back when you had hair, muscle tone, and no need for a regular prostate exam."
Foreman," Makes sense. Just like E coli. Orchards make cider out of apples they can't sell otherwise, like if they've fallen onto the ground. Like, into some cow feces."
House," Which would mean our esteemed Patient is literally full of B.S. Cool. Go get the ingenue, start the Patient on aztreonam and plasmapheresis."
Taub," The cell sorter separates the plasma from the remaining cellular components, thereby removing!"
Taub, Why would we do that?
Masters, Because the reason not to tell him was that he might hide something. And now that rationale is moot.
Masters, How can we ask our Patients to trust us if we're not honest with them?
Taub," How can we ask the Patient to trust us after we tell him he can't trust us? Fine. Tell him. Clear your conscience, because that's what's important."
Masters, You should pRobably slow down until you're out of the hospital.
Masters, Aren't you curious how we came up with this diagnosis?
Dugan, You're doctors. Isn't that your job?
Masters, But how we knew you were drinking apple cider?
Dugan," Well, you had to have found that at my House, so I guess you guys broke in there."
Dugan," Medicine's like politics. At the end of the day, all that matters is results."
Masters, That's not true. (She gets Joe's full attention) Respect matters. Honesty and integrity matter.
Dugan, Have you Ever thought about running for public office? Because I would love to have someone like you as an opponent.
Masters," Oh, right, sorry. (Corrects her mistake) You Ever wonder why American voter turnout rates are among the lowest in the dEveloped world? (Joe looks suddenly paralysed and drops the two phones he was holding in his hands) Mr. Dugan?"
Taub," Mr. Dugan? What's wrong? Can you hear me? (Looking in Joe's eyes with a penlight) He's paralyzed. (to Masters) Call Foreman and Chase, get them down here. (Masters rushes to the phone) Mr. Dugan!"
Chase," We think it's a transient ischemic attack. The clot must have broken up before we could find it. He was temporarily paralyzed, but he's regaining mobility and speech."
House," So, what causes rash, liver failure, clots, and the uncontrollable urge to rat out your coworkers? Oh, no, wait! (He leans close to Masters.) That last one was you, not the Patient."
Masters, I wasn't trying to rat. I was clearly trying to honor my ethical obligation. Portal vein thrombosis could be caused by Wilson's disease?
House," Hooray! (He throws his cup full of confetti at her to celebrate her first diagnosis) You popped your cherry, diagnostically speaking. Unfortunately, the first time always sucks. Pitch doesn't make any sense. Dugan's cornea was normal. You're obviously brilliant. So why would you hide your mind?"
Masters, I was brainstorming.
House, I'm not talking about your stupid ideas about the Patient. I mean your stupid ideas about morality.
Masters, My stupid ideas are what most doctors consider the rules for professional conduct. (to the team) What about a neuroendocrine tumor?
Taub," Not without diminished mental capacity, loss of judgment. Disseminated intravascular coagulation, howEver, fits."
House," Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own mind. You obviously don't fit into that Category, so why put yourself there?"
Chase," Masters is right about a neuroendocrine tumor. Because yes, Dugan has had a loss of judgment. He made this totally inflammatory anti-immigration campaign commercial for Anderson. It just got leaked online."
Foreman, You're arguing Dugan's politics are a sign that he's mentally compromised?
Chase," No, his tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it and all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash."
House, And honesty's a great idea until your Patient asks if her distended abdomen makes her looks fat.
Foreman," House, I hate to interrupt your ethics Debate, but we have two solid ideas on the table."
House, CT from his neck to his abdomen for neuroendocrine tumors. Run a D-dimer and fibrinogen for D.I.C.
House," Masters. If lying to a Patient saved their life, would you do it?"
Masters, No.
House," That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it?"
Masters," Yes, but that's different."
House," So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up? (He leaves the room.)"
House, How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
Cuddy, Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a huMan being would consider cause.
House," NEver mind, then. She's got principles. She's like the love Parkld of Einstein and Mary Poppins. Didn't Even get Einstein's hair."
Cuddy, It's worth having someone on the team who doesn't see the world entirely as shades of gray.
House, It is gray!
Cuddy, To you.
Cuddy, She has a fresh perspective. Unless that threatens you. (She enters the elevator.)
House," It does not! (sighs) You thought I'd get defensive, keep her out of pride."
Cuddy," No, he isn't."
Masters, Because you told him not to?
Cuddy," Butting heads with House is par for the course. House has strong beliefs, and he respects other people with strong beliefs."
Masters, It's not my beliefs that are the pRoblem. It's my personality. I'm not good at working with other people.
Cuddy, You've been in there for less than a day.
Masters," I wasn't looking for encouragement. It's a fact. Growing up, my whole life, really, I-I spent a lot of time by myself. And no one in high school wants to hang out with a kid that's three years younger than them. And studying Anosov diffeomorphisms, determining whether an unattributed landscape is a blakelock or a ryder or! I'm actually boring you right now."
Cuddy," And yet you chose medicine. Which is a team activity. It's pretty gutsy, stepping so far outside your comfort zone."
Masters, I'm not trying to prove anything. I just wanted to be a doctor. It was stupid. Nobody can do Everything. I was vain to think I could be the exception.
Foreman," We gotta give Masters some pointers, help her figure out how to deal with House."
Chase, Why would I do that? The entertainment factor is off the charts. It's like watParkng a bunny hop into a buzz saw. Repeatedly.
Foreman," And if we don't help her, she's out of here."
Chase," No, something else is stopping House from firing her. I'm guessing it's his desire to keep having sex with Cuddy."
Dugan, This tumor you're looking for! you're not gonna find it. My judgment is completely sound.
Chase," So when you leaked that ad, you were trying to torpedo the Senator's campaign?"
Dugan," All right, one, I told you before, I didn't leak that spot."
Chase, Uh-huh.
Dugan, And two! WhoEver did leak that ad had nothing wrong with their mind either. It's gonna save Anderson.
Chase, That commercial! Everyone sees through it. You're just trying to play to people's fears.
Dugan," You say fears. I say rational, protective instincts. And judging by your accent, immigration pRobably isn't an issue you can be real impartial about."
Chase," I waited five years to get my green card. If there's anyone who would resent someone trying to skip the queue, it'd be me. Just because Moreno favors amnesty!"
Dugan," He doesn't. You know that picture of him with the Mexican flags that seems to be from a pro-amnesty rally? That's from an amnesty international speech protesting the imprisonment of priests in Oaxaca. Yes, you did just prove that that ad is Even more disgusting than you thought. You also proved that ad is effective. You still think my judgment is off?"
Foreman, Not anymore. There's no sign of a tumor. That leaves D.I.C. I'll go check how Taub is doing with the blood work.
Foreman," I guess when you get on in years, it takes a little longer to run a few simple blood tests."
Taub," This whole ""Taub's an old Man"" thing kinda rings hollow, considering I'm in better shape than you are. Pass the dye."
Foreman, You're in rounder shape than me.
Foreman," You do realize you're two and a half feet tall, right?"
Taub, And white. And Jewish. It'd be very embarrassing. I get why you wanna say no.
Foreman, Tonight after work.
Taub, Crap.
Anderson, Did you hear Moreno's latest stump speech? He's gonna clean up Washington.
Anderson, This morning's tracking has me within two points.
Taub, Your blood test for D.I.C. came back completely normal.
Dugan," That's good news, right?"
Taub," That means the two things we thought it could be, it's not."
Foreman, We checked your home for toxins and didn't find any. But it's possible you might've been exposed on the campaign. Have you visited any industrial or agricultural facilities?
Anderson, There was a tomato farm in Lumberton.
Foreman, They take you into the fields?
Dugan, No one wants a photo op with me. I nEver leave the bus.
Foreman, Were the windows open? Certain pesticides!
Taub, Foreman.
Dugan, What? What is it?
Foreman," It's not just your liver we have to worry about. Looks like your kidneys are having pRoblems, too."
House, So this guy spends his entire life campaigning against bleeding hearts. And it turns out he has one.
Masters," Bloody urine actually is a renal pRoblem, not a cardiac one."
House," Yeah, if I say something inaccurate, assume it's for comic effect. Then laugh,"
Chase," 200,000. It's not T.T.P."
Masters, What about henoch-schoenlein purpura?
Taub, H.S.P. Doesn't cause clots.
Foreman," H.S.P. Doesn't usually cause clots, but it can. And the vasculitis would explain the kidney pRoblem."
House," She can't diagnose a joke, but she's making progress on the Patient."
Masters, We treat with chemotherapy or steroids.
House, We treat with chemotherapy.
Masters, I said chemo.
House," Then you said, ""or."""
Chase," Once again, the bunny meets the blade."
House," The road to dead Patients is paved with ""or""s. Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it'll confirm our diagnosis more quickly."
Masters," I agree, but there is another option."
House," There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer!"
Masters, Another medically accepted option.
House," Which is both less effective and less scary. So the Patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him."
Masters, We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo.
House," Well, as long as you're sure."
Masters, The better option is chemotherapy. It's faster and more likely to completely cure you.
Dugan, I'll take the steroids.
House," Oh, my goodness! (He was standing behind Masters) If only someone could've predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision. (Masters looks at House)"
Dugan, Our poll numbers have stalled. That's five days till the election.
Anderson," Doctor, can you talk some sense into him?"
House," Would that I could, but ethics dictate that it's his decision. So all I can do now is return to my office knowing, Even as my Patient endangers himself, my integrity remains unblemished."
Masters, Please. Take some time to think about this.
Dugan, I don't need any time. I want to start on the steroids.
Foreman, Game to 11 by ones.
Taub," Uh, hold on. (he swallows an energy drink) Wanna shoot for outs?"
Foreman, You can have it.
Music in the background," White Denim's ""I Start to Run""�)"
Taub, You gonna guard me?
Foreman, Can't hit two in a row.
Foreman, You can have that shot all day.
Taub," Three, nothing."
Foreman," One, three."
Foreman," Ten, sEven."
Taub, Seriously? You're gonna beat me with that?
Taub, Thank you.
Foreman, Now all we have to do is figure out why Masters is making you feel insecure.
Masters," I was just down by Dugan's room. They were ready to give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor."
House, Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine.
Masters," But he wanted steroids, not chemo."
House, He wants to live.
Masters, I'm gonna tell him what's going on. (leaving)
House," No, you're not. (he takes off his glasses) I don't mind your morality in theory. But in practice, you're risking my Patient's life. So you're fired."
Masters, You think that's gonna stop me from telling him?
House," If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school."
House," I know. But unlike you, I'm willing to lie."
Foreman," Firing her was a mistake. We need someone like her on the team, keeping us all in check."
House, You're incapable of noticing when I do something inappropriate?
Foreman, We're like the frogs who've been in the pot for a while. We're used to the heat.
Taub, Things have been just fine without Pippi Longdivision.
House, Your opponent's out of the race. You can drop the smear campaign.
Foreman, Masters was right. He didn't want the chemo. He didn't need the chemo.
House, Masters was wrong. He doesn't have H.S.P. And Masters is gone.
Taub, Could be an infection.
Chase, We had him on aztreonam for the E coli. He didn't respond.
Taub, SParkstosomiasis wouldn't respond to aztreonam.
House, That's a great idea if he was running a political campaign in Africa. The guy hasn't been out of the country in years.
Taub," Who needs to travel when you've got a giant fish tank loaded with tropical fish, tropical snails carrying tropical bacteria like sParkstosomiasis?"
House," Well, break into his home, get me some escargots. Unless you wanna ask the Patient's permission as a tribute to the departed."
Cuddy, Need a minute.
Cuddy, You said you were gonna give her a chance.
House, I did! She used that opportunity to endanger our Patient's life.
Masters, By insisting he receives the treatment that he asked for.
House, That's what I just said!
Cuddy, Your team is there to challenge you.
Masters," He's right, I'll just!"
Cuddy," She's a potential star, and I want her in my hospital."
House, No pRoblem. Just find her a different department. (He leaves the office with one last glance at Masters.)
Chase, I think I've figured it out. Why Taub didn't like Masters.
Taub," Now you're getting involved in this, too?"
Chase, My previous source of entertainment just got fired.
Taub, Exactly. She's gone. It's over.
Chase," She's totally moral and uptight, which made Taub feel badly about his cheating."
Taub, Can we get a move on? (he takes what Foreman was holding to do the same thing but faster)
Foreman, You didn't like her Even before you knew about her morals. It's from the minute he saw her.
Chase, So! It's something about how she looked.
Taub, All right. No snails. Let's get out of here.
Chase, Hello?
House, Yeah.
Foreman, It's Foreman.
House, What'd you find?
Foreman," Nothing helpful, but!"
House, There's gotta be something. Dugan's going completely downhill. Now fluid's collecting in his chest. Where the hell are you guys?
Foreman, In jail. You gonna come bail us out?
House, Uh! kinda busy. (He hangs up.)
House," There you are. (Masters turns to him) I was starting to think that my holier-than-thou-dar was malfunctioning. Our Patient's liver, kidneys, and lungs are failing. I need you to help me figure out why. (he sits down in front of her.)"
Masters," As I recall, you have three actual doctors you haven't fired today."
House, They're in jail.
Masters, What? Why?
House, Prostitution. So you're rehired.
House," Yeah, I don't need to hear your ideas. Just return the volley."
Masters, Primary sclerosing cholangitis.
House, Nope. His vitamin A lEvel is normal.
Masters, Gall bladder pRoblems can affect the liver.
House, Cholecystitis?
House, Did you just shush me?
Masters, Shh! (they both focus on the TV screen)
Masters, I think he's lying. Dugan said!
House, The technical term is speaking.
Anderson," Dugan violated my trust. And therefore, I have no other recourse than to fire him from my campaign. Thank you, and there will be no further questions. (House gets up. He just figured out something.)"
House, He screwed you.
Dugan," That was a hell of a move. Use the ad to shore up the base, fire the extremist to hold the center."
House," No, I mean he actually screwed you. Taking weekend trips down to Bunbury. He's got a red blotch on his hand. That's palmar erythema. That, and the fact that he's got a perManent sheen of nixonian flop sweat. He's got hepatitis C, which explains all your symptoms."
Dugan," That's great, but the Senator and I have not had sex."
House," Well, then the two of you shot up together."
Dugan, How Many high-functioning heroin users do you know?
House," Actually, quite a few. (he walks to a cupboard, opens it and picks up a syringe) Look, I know you've got hep C. So either you shared a bed together, you shared a needle, or you shared a straw. I'm talking about coke, not coke."
Dugan," You can get hep C from doing cocaine? Look, I will deny it."
House, Don't care.
Dugan, They tested me for hep C when I came in here. I don't have it.
Dugan, What is that?
House, This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis. (He leaves.)
Chase, When did your Lawyer say he was coming to get us?
Taub," He said, and I'm quoting here, ""soon."""
Foreman, I know. The reason you hated Masters from the moment you saw her.
Taub, Come on.
Foreman, That was not the first time you saw her.
Chase, That is brilliant.
Taub," It's really not. Is that guy seriously using the toilet? Oh, my God, he's sitting down."
Foreman, Don't try to change the subject. Did you sleep with her?
Foreman, You realize we're not gonna drop this.
Taub, I didn't sleep with her. I interviewed her for Hopkins med school.
Foreman," So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school?"
Taub," We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with."
Chase," Well, I barely remember you."
Taub, Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.
House, Great news. I've decided to rehire you.
Masters, Find another sounding board.
House, Dugan's got hep C.
Masters, I'm not doing this.
House, He's not responding to interferon.
Masters, You must think I have absolutely no self-esteem. (She stops and turns to House.)
House, Ethics and self-esteem? You really are a pain in the ass. What treats hep C besides interferon?
Masters, Now you want me to talk?
House, Yeah.
House," Come on, stop pretending you're not gonna do this. As much as you hate me, you hate failing more."
Masters, I didn't fail. You fired me. Repeatedly.
House," But if you walk away now, after I just rehired you, that's quitting."
Masters," A GerMan research study showed that 15% of Patients with hep C were cured after contracting hep A. Of course, other studies have shown that up to 85% of doubly-infected Patients die very quickly. So, in theory, if we can find something that mimics hep A!"
House, There's one thing that mimics hep A! Hep A. Good work. (Heading off the elevator.) You're fired.
Masters, No!
House, Hep A could cure him.
Cuddy, Better chance it'll kill him.
House, Tell the lab to release a hep A culture to me. We'll see who's right.
Cuddy, It's not an approved treatment and exposes us to liability. There's no way I can let you do this.
Masters, That's an extremely cowardly position.
House, Listen to the genius.
Cuddy, You're the one that insisted he run this by me.
Masters, It's proper protocol for an unconventional treatment. But we shouldn't compromise Patient care just to avoid lawsuits.
Cuddy, What about the fact that we don't have any proof he actually has hep C?
Cuddy," If you really think that this is the only way to cure him, I will risk the lawsuit. But I need to know that he actually has the disease. Get me proof."
House, I've given you!
Cuddy," Proof! Get me proof he has hep C, and then you can give him hep A."
House, I can't.
Cuddy, You'll figure something out. The two of you have combined I.Q. North of 300.
House, That's also true of five morons. (He leaves.)
Masters, So what do we do now?
House," Well, considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical!"
Masters," Oh, right, yeah! I'm fired."
House, Missed you.
House, We need a false positive hep C test.
Foreman, And why would we want to do that?
House, The world changes when you're on the inside. You just gotta roll with it once you get out.
Chase," You think he contracted hep C from the Senator, right? Test Anderson. If it's positive, that's evidence Dugan has it, too."
House," Evidence, not proof."
Taub, Are we presenting this to a jury of our peers? That should be enough for Cuddy.
House," Should be, but it won't be."
Taub," The test for hep C is 99.9% accurate. That means one in Every thousand test is a false positive. We do enough, maybe we get lucky. (disgusted) I smell like jail."
House," False false positive. That's the best we can do? Okay, go do it."
Wilson, I think you pRobably already know the answer.
House, But it doesn't make any sense.
Wilson, You don't understand why a Woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?
House, I wouldn't be lying as her boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.
Wilson, That's not how relationships work.
House, My Patient is gonna die.
Wilson, Does the lie guarantee he'll live?
House, No.
Wilson," You got two choices: To be honest and face the medical consequences, or lie and face the personal consequences."
Anderson," Now that you're my doctor, you, uh! You can't tell anybody, right?"
House, Who'd leak a story about a sitting senator who got hep C from doing cocaine? You didn't fill out any paperwork. I'm gonna run this test under an assumed name. Trust me! No one will Ever know you were here. (He writes Dugan's name on the blood vial.)
House," Blood test confirming hep C. He got sicker, his viral load came up, finally showed up on the test."
Cuddy, Thank you. There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. That means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.
House," I've come a long way, baby."
House, I'm on it. (He leaves.)
House, How'd you like to come work for me?
Masters, It's like I'm on a Mobius strip.
House, We've had this conversation. You want this job.
House," Prove yourself to me, no more games. At least, the current game ends. Others may start. You have my deeply-flawed word."
Masters, What do I have to do?
House," Get Dugan to let us give him hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a Patient into a treatment that has an 85% mortality rate, here's some advice: Don't."
Masters, I'm not gonna lie to him.
House," You have a math degree. So let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying?"
Masters, We're going to inject you with hepatitis A.
Dugan, That doesn't sound like medicine.
Masters," I know it seems counter-intuitive, but in some people, the virus can enhance immune function and clear out the hepatitis C. Some."
Dugan, How Many we talking about?
Masters, A fair amount.
Dugan, Give me a percentage. What are the odds of this thing working?
Masters, There is an 85% chance that this will kill you.
Dugan," So, you wanna give me something that works 15% better than arsenic?"
Masters," Well, technically, it works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0% chance. This is your only shot. Both Dr. House and I beliEve that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment. And then he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of those incidents came to light, he would be suspended and pRobably lose his license."
House," Oh, I'm sure some other people would suffer."
Masters, He's risking his career to give you this chance. He wouldn't do that if there was any other choice.
Masters, I did it. And I didn't have to lie.
House, And you feel good about that?
Masters, Yes.
House, So I'm hiring an idiot.
Masters," You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principals."
House, Or I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principals are. I don't want you to just lie to a Patient. I want you to want to lie to a Patient.
Masters, It's not gonna happen.
House, See you tomorrow.
Taub, I heard Dugan is already responding to treatment.
Masters," Yeah, his alt lEvel is already beginning to normalize."
Taub, I wanted to apologize for the way!
Masters," Uh, wait! You interviewed me, right? For Hopkins?"
Masters, I wanted to say something the first day. I felt really awkward about the whole thing.
Taub, Don't worry about it. (looking at the sweater she is wearing) Is this grandma's tea cozy?
Masters, What?
Taub, Nothing. I'll see you upstairs.
House," If I knew hiring her meant dealing with medical school paperwork, I might've reconsidered. You really got nothing better to do than watch me sign this?"
Cuddy, And miss the ultimate admission that I was right about Masters all along?
House, She had me when she called you a coward. You gonna hang out?
Cuddy, I have to work late. Gloating requires a lot of paperwork.
 He is watParkng the news channel, People are cheering Anderson who just won his campaign. Jos is happy.)
Nurse, Do you know where the Senator's records are?
Cuddy," House was treating Anderson's campaign Manager, not the Senator himself."
Nurse, Oh.
Cuddy, Why did you think he was the Patient?
Nurse, House saw him in the clinic. I guess it wasn't medical.
Cuddy, When?
Nurse, Friday. Around 3.
Cuddy, House's team ran a hep C test on Joe Dugan on Friday. Can you look up the time?
Nurse," Chase, Taub, and Foreman were running tests all night. All negative. Positive test at! 3:17 P.M. House ran it himself. Is Everything okay?"
Cuddy, I don't think so.
Captain ," Thank you, Doctor, for at last inspecting the sick cargo. It's all in this section. Take this log to your colleagues on the shore. It documents Every piece of sick cargo. I'll throw them all overboard, but let me and my men come ashore."
Doctor , I'll try to convince them. But stay anchored until you hear from me. Or the next shot won't be a warning.
Captain ," They're nEver going to let us keep any of it. Toss the sick ones overboard. Then we're going to make a run for it. (He leaves. The sailor gestures to another one. They grab a sick slave and carry him, struggling, to the deck. A young boy and his father are watParkng.)"
Young boy , What are they doing?
Father , Naola is now your father.
Young boy ," Daddy, no! I want to be with you!"
Father , He is me.
Young boy , Daddy! No!
Father , I love you. Always.
Lulu , Shouldn't they be up by now?
Niles , I'm sure they're fine.
Lulu ," They're gonna run out of air. I'm happy to kill my daughter, but I feel a little awkward about killing your son."
Niles , They're spending time together. It's good. We're a family now. They need to bond.
Lulu ," Yeah, well! they can bond with full air intake. (She speaks in a microphone.) Julie, surface now."
Julie ," Help! Shark! (The parents jump, startled. The kids, who have just surfaced, giggle.)"
Lulu , Please don't scare me like that.
Roger , What? You said we should bond.
Julie ," Well, look what I found. (She hands Niles a red net. He helps them back on the boat.)"
Niles , You're not supposed to take anything off the wreck.
Roger , They kind of look like feathers.
Lulu , Can I see?
Lulu , Julie!
Niles , Get her a towel. What was in that jar?
House, Why aren't you guys in my office?
Taub , Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.
House , Where's Chase? (He hands the file to Foreman.)
Taub , He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.
House ," 16-year-old girl � high fEver, vomiting, bloodshot eyes."
Taub , Wow. The case of the really bad flu.
House ," Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox. (A few seconds of startled silence.)"
Masters , Smallpox was eradiCated over 30 years ago.
House , So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
Foreman , Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 Labs and bio weapon plants.(Waving the file) She was in Bermuda.
House ," Where she was scuba diving on the wreck of a Dutch slave ship, that had been intentionally sunk, because an epidemic of smallpox had broken out on board."
Foreman , Was the ship sunk in water? Because viruses can't survive contact with water.
House ," If the virus had been kept on the outside of an airtight jar, that might be an issue. The jar held old-school inoculations. They kept the scabs of the infected people. (His cell phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket.)"
Taub , The virus can't survive over 200 years.
House ," You have. (He flips his phone open and puts it on speaker.) Thanks for calling back. Uh, listen, I'm a screenwriter, and is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?"
Voice on the phone ," Well, theoretically, yes, but�"
House ," Thank you. (He flips the phone shut.) So who do we beliEve � CDC or Dr. 90210? Isolate, get baseline blood draws for smallpox antibodies and vaccinate the entire family."
Foreman , We should test for the 21st-century suspects � varicella and measles.
House ," You're free to perform whatEver unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago."
Lulu , Why the hell do you guys have us quarantined in here?
Taub , We're just taking Every precaution.
Niles , Against what?
Julie , What do you think I have?
Taub , One possibility is tetanus from the glass jar that sliced your hand.
Lulu , I remember tetanus shots. That does not look like tetanus shots.
Taub ," It's really not worth going into, because the odds are astronomical."
Julie , Tell me.
Taub ," Again, it's�"
Masters , Smallpox.
Lulu , Smallpox?
Masters ," The vaccine will protect you if you don't have it and lessen the sEverity if you already do. B-but it's a billion-to-one, so! we don't want you to panic or anything."
Lulu , How do I not panic with that information? (Niles and Roger look frozen.)
House , Idiot in exam room one needs antidiarrheals and a dictionary.
Cuddy , You're not scheduled for clinic duty now.
House , I had some free time. I owed four hours.
Cuddy , Don't you have a case?
House , Yeah.
House , Are you a Stepford doctor?
Cuddy ," If you're busy, you don't need to be down here."
House , You're serious.
Cuddy , Yep. Get out of here (She leaves him there thinking.)
Eve , I can't.
s mom , I forgot her stuffed animal at home. It's been with her through all the chemo sessions so far.(Wilson nods in understanding.)
Eve , I need Lamby. He doesn't want me to do it alone. (Wilson's phone beeps. He checks it. It says : House : What I need is more important than what you are doing. Wilson frowns.)
s mom ," Honey, there's no other way. You're just gonna have to be brave, okay?"
Wilson , What if I get someone to sit with her while you run home and get Lamby? I'll get a nurse. (Showing his phone) Then I have to deal with a! very sick Man.
House , I think she knows.
Wilson ," Who is she, and what does she know?"
House , Cuddy. And! that I faked a lab test and lied to her to save my last Patient.
Wilson , What did she do?
House , She let me out of clinic duty by saying I had a case. She's nEver done that.
Wilson , She's also pRobably nEver ordered the pasta special in the cafeteria. Would that also have some special paranoid message to send you?
Wilson ," You don't. If she doesn't know, all you're gonna do by sniffing around is make her suspicious. If she does know, you'll find out soon enough."
House , What if I die of curiosity in the meantime?
Taub , It's not smallpox. Blood work suggests some other infection. White count is way down.
Masters , That's none of your business.
House ," Ah, pRobably just a dry spell."
Taub ," House, you do realize we just ruled out smallpox?"
House , You passive/aggressive bitch.
Masters , You just asked me�
House , What about Foreman's unnecessary tests?
Masters , Negative for varicella and measles. So all of our ideas are off the table.
House ," I'm putting mine back on. Patient's a diver. Under increased pressure, Everything in the blood gets scared, panics, runs, and hides."
Taub , Antibodies could be in the joints.
House ," Tap her knee, ankle, shoulder, and any other joint in her smallpox-ridden body. (To Masters) Good talk."
House , You know.
 ," Oh, thank God. I thought I was just being paranoid. Why didn't you say something?"
Cuddy , 'Cause I wanted you to come to me and apologize.
House , I can't apologize if I haven't done anything wrong.
 , You lied to my face.
 ," To do my job, to save a Patient's life. Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business. I wouldn't lie to you about something personal."
Cuddy ," Well, you don't get to lie to me about anything. I can't compartmentalize my life like that."
 ," Well, maybe you should practice, 'cause it comes in handy."
Julie , Ow.
Taub , Sorry. I have to get the needle behind the bone.
Julie , I'm running out of bones. If this is a waste of time�
Julie , What? What � what is it? (There are pustules behind her knee.)
 , I'm sorry. I have to call the CDC. I think you do have smallpox.
Julie ," Am I gonna die? I mean, this is what terrorists want to use to kill Everyone, right? Like, there's no cure."
Taub , There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir.
House ," I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line � it's 30% fatal, which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw, unless she finds dark, purplish skin blotches."
Lulu , What would purple blotches mean?
Masters , Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.
House ," In which case, her chances are more like! Shaq hitting a free throw."
Masters ," Well, no purple skin, but take a look at this."
Lulu , What is it?
Masters , There's a rash under your daughter's arm. (There are red lesions under her arm. House comes to look at them closely.)
Julie , Like more of those gross bumps?
House , No. It's just a regular rash.
Julie , W-what does that mean?
House , It means it's not smallpox. (The parents look reliEved and hug.)
Wilson , Are you saying you see House's side? It's not Even a side. It's a fictional construction.
Sam , She's expecting House not to lie? If she's using the relationship as a rationale to try to change things�
Wilson , Wait. Wait. Are you saying it's okay for us to lie to each other?
Sam ," No, we have a different relationship � I think a better one. Lying was nEver part of it. Theirs is built on it."
 ," Sorry, I have to go."
Sam ," Oh, come on, I have to leave in, like, five minutes. Can't it wait?"
Wilson ," There's a little girl. The nurse watParkng her got called away. It's a long story, but I've got to babysit. I'll see you tonight. (They kiss.) Mm-hmm."
 ," Attention � Effective immediately, all hospital entrances and exits will be restricted until further notice. Center for Disease Control has ordered Princeton Plainsboro Hospital locked down."
Sam ," Well, I guess I can stay."
Broda ," Please step out of the room. I'm Dr. Broda, Head of Infection control, CDC, and your protective suits are not adequate."
House ," Turns out they don't have to be. (He points to Julie's arm, Broda looks with attention.) Rash under the arm means it's not smallpox. False alarm. Sorry. Hope the traffic wasn't too bad."
Broda , Rash is consistent with smallpox.
House , Not if it presents after pustules.
Broda ," She's pRobably just allergic to the bedsheets or the hospital gown, and you simply didn't notice it (House and Taub exchange looks.) We're gonna airlift blood and tissue samples to Atlanta. We'll have the DNA results in 18 hours. In the meantime, please, step out of the room."
House , You brought the plane? Cool.
Masters ," When we left, Julie's fEver had climbed to over 103."
House , You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.
 , I was here at 9:00.
Masters ," So you guys just want to do nothing for the next 18 hours until they tell us it's not smallpox? Can't we spend the time discussing what looks like smallpox but isn't smallpox? (Foreman is reading a newspaper, too.)"
Chase , Molluscum contagiosum.
 , You have to compare lesions to differentiate.
 , And we don't have access to the Patient or any new information.
 ," But we do have access to the other Patients � the ones who died of the same thing in 1793. It's the Captain's log from the Sotos Ooslerzoon. Maritime Museum in Bermuda graciously sent over a PDF. PRoblem solved. (He gets up.) I assume at least one of you speaks fluent Dutch. (The team looks baffled. House makes a sorry face, and turns back to his office.)"
Foreman , It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.
House ," Oh, you can always find someone."
Geerte ," Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, (House is obviously considering it) and�"
 , Just do the translation.
House , She can translate howEver she feels most comfortable.
Geerte , WhatEver. You put in credit card. (House reaches to his wallet.)
Taub ," House, the hospital has translators on call�"
House ," Shut up. (He enters his card number, then turns back and hands out Masters a post-it.) Honey, could you email our new friend the Captain's log?"
 , Sure thing (A beat) ! Sexiest American Man.(She giggles. House glares at her.)
 ," ""On morning of 14, July, I boarded Sotos Ooslerzoon with two trunks and my cat."" Aw! The Captain had a cat."
House , Isn't she adorable? Go ahead and skip to the part where people get sick.
Geerte ," Mm! ah, here.""The passenger has a fEver, shaking, and red eyes."" Ooh. Also African Man make go in his pants."
Foreman ," What about the Captain, the crew?"
Geerte ," Mm, no. It say only African men sick."
House , It can't be smallpox. Airborne transmission means it's an equal-opportunity killer. We're looking for a disease that discriminates.
Taub , Sickle cell.
Chase ," The disease doesn't have to be racist. It could be classist. Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight weakens the immune system, makes the slaves more vulnerable to malaria or dengue fEver."
Foreman , I don't know how you get pustules from any of those.
Masters , Captain and crew got clean drinking water. Slaves drank whatEver they could. Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.
House ," Scrofulicious � that's what they called ""annoying"" in the 1700s. Is she wrong? Then they died for nothing. Those slaves could have led long, fulfilling lives, mowing my ancestors' lawns. Foreman. Can I speak to you outside for a second? (They both get up and out the room, and walk side by side in the corridor.) We need to test for T.B."
Foreman ," T.B. might fit, but it's too slow-moving to kill her anytime soon. There's no way the CDC's gonna give us access."
House ," That's why we don't think it's T.B. We think it's meningococcal disease, which could kill her before the results come back."
Foreman ," And once I gain access, I run the T.B. Test. You could have said all that in there."
House , In front of the narc? As if.
 ," Are you so afraid of this new girl, we have to take elaborate measures Every time you want to skirt around ethical boundaries?"
House ," Elaborate measures? We took a walk � a walk you would have taken anyway. Actually, I saved you from the horrible post-differential traffic jam."
 , Meningococcus?
Foreman ," We beliEve the rash under Julie's armpit is actually peteParkal spots. When added to the high fEver, the vomiting�"
Broda ," There haven't been any seizures, no stiff neck."
Foreman ," If I could just gain access to the Patient, I can investigate the rash further."
Broda , I'll take a look.
Foreman , I can wear your gear. I'll take Every necessary precaution.
Broda ," You come to me with a weak diagnosis. I Even offer to investigate, but that's not good enough for you. What's really going on here? (While he speaks, he notices Niles, walking hesitantly in the other isolation room. Niles falls to his knees, then brings his hand to his forehead."
Broda , Sir! are you feeling all right in there?
Niles ," It's just a headache.(He raises his head. His eyes are bloodshot. He grimaces in pain, sits down and takes his head in his hands. He pants heavily.)"
Lulu ," Baby. Baby. (Niles bents his head down, and grunts. Drops of blood fall on the floor.)"
Roger , Dad! you're bleeding.
Lulu ," Somebody, please! Get in here now! (Broda gestures to one of the CDC doctors in Julie's room. Niles raises his head, his nose and gums are bleeding)"
Broda , This is not meningococcus. You're not getting in here.
House , Cool.
Chases , Not really � not for them and not for you � the dad's new symptoms are consistent with them having smallpox.
House , Would be if he had a headache.
Chase , He does have a headache.
House ," No. He just said, ""ow,"" and held his head."
Foreman ," Actually, he said, ""ow.""Then he said, ""it's a headache."""
House ," Which could be indicative of head pain. Headache is caused by muscle tension or vascular stretParkng. Head pain is caused by trauma, which would include such Events as a bleed in the brain from T.B."
Taub , We're back to T.B.?
House , We nEver left.
Foreman , We'll need to do a C.T. And I sort of have a hunch that the CDC's not gonna approve of us moving the Patient.
House ," Chase, can I talk to you outside for a second? (Masters looks suspicious.)"
Chase , You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
House ," Sure, you are. You're descended from convicts. (Chase looks slightly entertained.) Plus, there's no lie this time. It's a bait and switch. You propose that we don't have to move him if we do a pneumoencephalograph."
Chase , That's 60-year-old technology that killed Patients.
House , Exactly. He'll compromise on the C.T.
Chase , This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
 , These aren't the droids you're looking for. (Masters has left the diagnostics office and joins them in the corridor.)
Masters , You don't trust me.
House , Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.
Masters ," Instead of whatEver lie you're gonna tell Broda, why don't you just tell him the truth? (House looks desperate) If we are honest and reasonable�"
House , People of all races and creeds will live together in peace and harmony.
Masters , How did your first plan work out?
House , Permission granted.
Masters , Thank you. (She leaves them. House turns back to Chase.)
House ," After she gets denied, do the bait and switch."
Wilson , They won't let your mommy back in the hospital because of an emergency downstairs. But we have to get started.
Eve ," I can't do it without my Lamby. (She notices Sam, leaning in the door.) Who is she?"
Sam , I'm nobody. I'm leaving soon.
Wilson ," Her name is Sam, and she's a friend of mine. What does Lamby usually do while you get your treatment?"
Eve , He holds my hand.
Wilson ," Well, you could hold my hand."
Eve , That won't work.
 ," Well, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. (Wilson looks puzzled.) You have to go to school. You have to eat your vegetables. You have to take your medicine. You have to. (She smiles. Eve and Wilson look at each other in silent understanding.)"
Eve , I want my mommy.
Wilson ," Yeah. I'll be right back. (to Sam, who now looks deflated.) You know, I'm pretty sure Lamby has a cousin down in the gift shop."
House ," Hold off a minute. I'm in overtime. (He tries again, loses. Masters jumps a little, surprised, then giggles.) Oh!"
Masters ," Uh, Broda agreed to C.T. the dad's brain."
House ," Well, that sucks."
Masters , But I thought that's what you wanted.
House , I shouldn't have gotten it with the truth. He's a hypocrite. His position Ever since he's been here has been�
Masters ," I-I pointed out that either we're right, and he's the hero for ending the crisis, or he's right, and he gets to be the first person to look at a brain infected with smallpox. C.T. scans weren't around 30 years ago."
House , Good work.
Masters , So I guess honesty is the best policy.
House ," Why'd you say that? Seriously! To establish your viewpoint, as if I didn't already know it, or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?"
Masters ," Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence."
House , Oh. (Looking back to the CDC crew. They are wheeling the dad back in his room.) Why have they stopped? (He opens the door and enters the hallway.)
Masters , You can't go out there.
House , Why did you stop?
Broda , Get out of the hallway.
House , He does not have smallpox.
Broda ," Yes, he does."
 , It itches.
Broda , He's just dEveloped pustules. He's now too dangerous to transport. Get out of the hallway.
House , What about the daughter?
Masters , Pustule count is way up. Vitals are way down.
House ," Means I was wrong. But to be precise, I was right before I was wrong, so!"
Masters , So we just give up and go home?
Foreman ," Actually, somebody locked the front door, but, yeah, we! give up."
Masters , We might as well keep�
House ," We have our diagnosis. If you're eager, you can go find us a new case. (Masters leaves.)"
Foreman , I guess she's eager or has a blind spot for sarcasm.
Masters , I just want to look at the rash under her arm to see if it's matured�
Broda , You can look through the glass.
Masters , I need to be closer. If the pustules are at a different stage�
Broda ," She's comfortable. We're gonna have our results back in eight hours. If it's not smallpox, you can be the first one in there. (He leaves the room. Masters comes close to the glass and looks at Julie.)"
Julie , Why are you just standing out there?
Masters ," Uh! I'm just trying to help. If you're feeling up to it, can you sit up and show me the rash under your arm? (Julie begins to sit slowly and moves her feet in the process.) Uh, wait. The soles of your feet. There aren't any lesions."
Julie , Who cares? They're Everywhere else. This is torture. (Masters looks worried and leaves quickly.)
Wilson ," Eve? Guess who came by the hospital for a visit? (Sheep voice) Hello, Eve. Oh, no! (Eve turns, smiling, and hugs the sheep.) All right. I'm gonna get a couple of nice nurses to come in here and get you two ready for the treatment, all right?"
Sam ," Lamby was dirty. Um, we gave her a bath."
Eve ," This isn't Lamby! (She throws the sheep at them and turns back, hugging her pillow.)"
Masters , Julie doesn't have smallpox.
House ," Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the rEverse! Oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga."
Masters , She doesn't have pustules on her palms or the soles of her feet.
House ," The dad does have pustules there. So how does he get smallpox, but it skips her? (Epiphany face. He gets up and leaves the room quickly, then comes back to the door.) If I leave like that, you should follow. (Masters follows.)"
 , We gave it to him. Where's Chase?
 ," You do realize we don't all live together, right?"
House ," Well, then just � we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so!"
Taub ," So therefore your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox."
House ," Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus, which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality."
 , You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't dEvelop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.
House , You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things? (he waves the dad's file.) Dad had kidney cancer.
Foreman , Six years ago. He's been in remission.
House ," Well, it's obviously back. Shot his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia, which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox."
Taub , Then what does the daughter have?
House , Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat?
House ," What's more likely � he got smallpox the day after we immunized him for it, or he's sick from the vaccine itself?"
Broda , You got any proof the kidney cancer is back?
House ," Well, let me give him this. (He shows a syringe.) When he gets better, that'll be the proof you need. I'll put on one of your fancy spacesuits, and I promise I won't kiss him on an open sore."
 ," You know who Janet Parker is? In 1978, she was working at a university in England. Someone in a research lab on the floor below screwed up. Some smallpox virus Managed to float up through the vents into the room where she was working. She died four days later � the last known person to die from smallpox. And the person in charge of the lab was so destroyed, he killed himself. Now that he's shedding, I can't open that door for anyone. (He turns to leave. House looks in the room and notices something.)"
House ," Hey! Look, there's the proof you need. There's blood in the urine bag."
Broda , His kidneys are shutting down. He's in the final stages of the disease.
House ," If smallpox was causing the kidney failure, the blood would be brown. It's red because the kidney cancer is back, and this is not smallpox."
Broda , I'm not opening that door.
House ," Well, that makes one of us. (When the CDC doctor in the dad's room unlock the door to get out, House quickly enters the room.)"
Broda , Hey! Hey! You're insane!
House , But I'm right. (He injects interferon in the dad's IV.)
Cuddy ," This is what happens when you have no respect for authority, no respect for anything."
House , You don't think it's a little much to use the threat of death to win a totally separate argument with your boyfriend?
Cuddy , You think this is about the other thing?
House , Does seem to track suspiciously closely.
House ," And if I do, does that mean I win both arguments?"
Cuddy , Put the suit on.
 ," It's unnecessary, mom. This is why I didn't want them telling you. It's why I'm glad they didn't tell Wilson."
Lulu , Dr. House. (House turns back and goes to the dad's bedside.)
Niles ," I'm getting worse, aren't I?"
Sam ," Hi. (Eve does not answer.) You're mad at us, aren't you?"
Sam ," Well, you have a right to be. We weren't honest. You might not know this yet, but sometimes adults mess up. (She sits uncomfortably on Eve's bed.) Can I tell you something, and you keep it just between us? (Eve nods, still not looking up.) I'm not great with kids. I love them, but I get scared that I'm gonna do the wrong thing, and then! I usually do. (During this talk, Eve has raised her eyes and stopped drawing. She listens intently. Wilson, who was coming to the room, stops at the door and silently listens, too.) And that's what I did with the lying. And I'm very sorry about that. The reason why I did the wrong thing was because I was trying to get you to do the right thing. Your mommy and your Lamby both really need you to get better. So! do you think that! you could be really brave! and do the right thing?"
Eve , I'll try.
Sam ," Great. (She touches Eve's hand, awkwardly) Great. (Behind them, Wilson smiles, with teary eyes.)"
Chase , FEver's way up. Sat's way down. Pustules still spreading.
Masters , Interferon's not working.
Foreman , Which means this is smallpox.
House , Right! 'Cause there are only two diseases in the whole wide world � what else could it be?
Masters , There's got to be something.
Foreman ," No, there doesn't."
Cuddy , There are still no pustules on her feet. All the reasons you thought it wasn't smallpox still exist.
Foreman ," Forget her feet. Forget all those other reasons. Look at him now. The pox are dome-shaped. They're on 80% of his body, and they're not scabbing over. This is textbook smallpox. DDX'ing at this point isn't gonna make a difference."
Cuddy , Don't say that.
Foreman , I'm sorry. House! You screwed up going in there.
Cuddy , You have any fEver?
House ," Not yet. But when it does come, I assume you'll see the pettiness of being mad at me for lying."
Cuddy ," Shut up, House.(They both smile. The father grunts, an alarm beeps, House turns back.)"
 , I'll be right back. (He goes check on the father.)
Niles ," I'm not gonna make it, am I?"
House ," You should say good-bye to your family. (Niles pants, then nods. House unhooks lines, then wheels the bed close to the glass wall. He steps back near Cuddy.)"
Niles , I love you.
Lulu , Just hold on. Fight this.
Niles , You got to take care of my boy.
Niles , Promise me.
Lulu , I promise. (She cries.) I love you.
Niles , I love you too. Get Roger closer.
Lulu , Come closer. Come on.
Roger , Dad.
Niles , My baby boy.
Roger ," Dad, please!"
Niles , It's gonna be okay. Lulu's gonna take care of you.
Roger ," I don't want her, dad. She's not you."
Niles ," I will always love you, Roger."
Roger ," Dad? (The monitor shows a flatline. The voices fade away as the dad dies, and the music takes over. House quickly wheels the crash cart near the bed, and attempts at resuscitation. He uses the paddles first, then climbs on the bed to perform CPR. He checks the dad's pulse, then looks at the monitor screen : all the lines have gone flat. He stops and looks at Cuddy, then at the dad, defeated.)"
Broda , The suit will protect you if you haven't already been exposed.
House , My air supply's almost out.
Broda , We'll give you another canister.
House ," Yeah, and when I change it, I will be exposed."
Cuddy , Just move him!
Broda , I wish I could.
House ," Oh, that's great, 'cause you know what you can do? You can move me. You don't know that I have smallpox yet."
Broda , We have to assume.
Cuddy , There's another isolation room on the fifth floor.
Broda , The pRoblem is getting him from here to there.
House , So it's inconvenient. My having a fighting chance at life is inconvenient!
Broda , I'm sorry.
Chase , We don't know that he'll catch it.
Masters ," We don't know that it's definitely smallpox, not until we get the DNA results back from the CDC."
Foreman , What do you think the dad just died of?
Masters , Would it kill us to talk it through?
Foreman , Kill us? No. Save House? Also no.
Taub ," Even if by some miracle it's not smallpox, there's nothing more for us to go on. There's no new data. And there isn't going to be any� (Masters leaves the room.) Where are you going?"
Masters , To get more data.
Geerte ," ""Gerritt seems distant and preoccupied."""
Masters , Who's Gerritt? Is he a slave?
Geerte , Gerritt is the Captain's kitty.
Chase , The Captain's cat is preoccupied?
Taub , Skip the cat.
Geerte ," Uh, ""one goat slaughtered for dinner. Broke out the next barrel of wine."""
Taub , Skip the food.
Masters ," Uh, c-can we go back to the cat? Did the cat get sick?"
Taub , Smallpox is exclusive to huMans.
Masters , Ship captains didn't have pets. Nothing and nobody went on those ships if it didn't have a purpose.
Taub , Hunting mice and rats?
Masters , For the crew. The hold was pRobably infested with mice. What if that's the difference? What happened to Gerritt?
Geerte , Ah.
Chase ," Is that a sad ""ah"" or a cute ""ah""?"
Geerte ," Gerritt, he died. It's a sad ""ah."""
Masters ," Before he died, did he lose his fur?"
Geerte , How did you know?
Masters ," Mice don't carry smallpox, but they do carry rickettsialpox."
Foreman , Which is treatable. (They all hurry out of the room.)
Masters , Just start them on doxycycline.
Broda , Based on a bald cat? You nEver heard of shedding?
Foreman , What's the downside?
Broda ," If we shove her full of antibiotics plus the antivirals, it'll suppress"
Chase , That girl's about to die.
Broda ," She pRobably is, and I don't want to risk pushing her over the edge."
Masters ," At least look at the dad's body. Small patches of black, dead tissue will prove I'm right. Eschars appear with rickettsialpox but not with smallpox."
Broda ," If he had dEveloped eschars, I would have noticed."
Taub , You haven't been within 20 feet of the guy in hours.
Broda ," Their job is to bleach the body, kill the virus, and get it out of there for Dr. House's sake."
Masters , BleaParkng the body will destroy all evidence of rickettsialpox.
Broda , There is no evidence! I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I'm not lying to you. This is smallpox.
 ," House, you have to examine the body."
House , I'm not going anywhere near it.
Masters , Look for eschars. Hurry.
 , You think it's r-pox?
Masters , The Captain had a cat. He lost his fur and then died. (House gets up slowly and gets to the bed.)
Broda ," Step back, Dr. House. (House uncovers the body, still oozing blood, and starts examining it, but is bothered by his gloves.)"
House , It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.
Masters , Take them off.
House , Says the Woman standing behind two panes of glass.
Masters ," Do you beliEve me? Forget me. Do you beliEve you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it."
House , You really are annoying. (He takes the gloves off and examines the body closer. Broda gestures to the CDC men to make them hurry.)
Masters ," Come on, House. Come on. (The two men enter the room and come close to House, still moving the body.)"
House , Eschar. Eschar! (He shows them a tiny black patch. The men nod to Broda. Everyone looks reliEved.)
Broda ," Get the girl on Doxycyclin. Right now. (Masters looks at House, who takes off his helmet and looks back, somewhat admiring, and reliEved.)"
Eve , Mommy! (They hug. Sam and Wilson are watParkng.)
Wilson , You were good with her.
Sam ," Yeah, only after being bad."
Wilson , It takes practice. (He puts his arm around her shoulders.)
Sam , Maybe I should get a puppy.
Wilson ," Yeah, or! pregnant? (They exchange looks.)"
Lulu , Hey. You're gonna be okay.
 , Hey.
 , Hey. (Lulu hugs him.)
House , Buy you breakfast?
 ," No, thanks."
House , You can pay! if it's starting to feel like I'm carrying you.
Cuddy ," House, stop."
Cuddy ," Yeah, and that was true! when you were dying."
Marcus, Abajo! Get him down!
House," What you got against Parkckens? One got choked last night, thanks to you."
Cuddy," 33-year-old male with hemoptysis, fEver!"
House, Can't we Even talk about it?
Cuddy," You can't apologize, we can't talk. And puncture wounds."
House, I'm not apologizing for doing the right thing.
Cuddy, Lying to me was not the right thing. Puncture wounds are from a crucifixion.
House, I lied to save my Patient's life. I didn't lie to you. I lied to my boss. Either of those arguments working yet? (Cuddy turns and walks back toward the clinic) I guess that means I don't have to go to the wedding on Saturday.
Cuddy," The Hospital's ChairMan of the Board? I'm not gonna stand him up, and neither are you."
House," I loathe weddings and their sEven lEvels of hypocrisy. But you do seem awfully hissy. And there's an outside chance that I could get you drunk and score. So as long as you don't take it as an admission of guilt, sure, count me in. (The elevator arrives and the doors open) A bit too much honesty?"
Cuddy, (as House gets into the elevator) You're also going to the rehearsal dinner Friday night. Dressy casual.
House," Housekeeping. Either you're crazy or you're atoning for something naughty, and you're crazy."
Masters, (sitting down on a stool beside the bed) He's a doctor.
Ramon, I'm not atoning for anything.
House, That answers that. Thanks.
Ramon," (looking at his daughter) My Marisa was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Stage IV glioblastoma. When the doctors said she had two months to live, that's when I made my bargain."
House, With your health insurance carrier?
Ramon, (looking at House) With God.
House, Oh.
Ramon, I told him I would nail myself to a cross Every year he kept her alive.
House, So how did that negotiation go? You lowballed with ear piercing and God countered?
Ramon," Three weeks later, she was cancer-free. And that was four years ago."
House, Pontius Pilate � misunderstood oncologist.
Ramon, My ex-wife thinks I'm crazy too. She moved out the first time I did this.
House," Well, at least your daughter has one viable role model."
Marisa, You don't beliEve in God?
House, I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.
Marisa, So how do you think I was cured?
House, Maybe you were misdiagnosed in the first place.
Ramon," You have your answer, doctors. We have ours."
House," Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. (House gets down off the table and approaches the bed) The cave Man who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The pRoblem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational."
Chase," If you're done mocking him, we need to prep for an LP."
House, Good. Another hole in him should really make God's day.
House," Why are you late? Your next dental appointment isn't till January, and you just saw your GP eight days ago. (House puts the file on the desk and scratches his chest) You think stage IV glioblastoma in an eight-year-old could disappear in three weeks?"
Wilson, I had a flat tire. Your Patient has cancer?
House," Your tires got less than 5,000 miles on them. No, and neither does my Patient's daughter."
Wilson, I hit a piece of rebar near a construction site.
Wilson, In three weeks? It's highly unlikely.
House, There's no construction site between here and your home. I agree. I think it was a misdiagnosed cyst.
Wilson," But there is one between here and my dry cleaner. It could be a misdiagnosis, or it could be spontaneous remission. But! why would I lie about this?"
House, I don't know yet. But you would have dropped off your tie. It's got a mustard stain.
Wilson, I was buying an engagement ring. (smiling) I'm gonna propose to Sam at the wedding.
House, (looking at the ring) That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. (House closes the box and tosses it back to Wilson) You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?
Wilson, I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy yet. Your stupidity deMands equal time.
House, Nothing to apologize for.
Wilson, (pausing for a split second) Pretend to apologize.
House, You want me to lie?
Wilson, There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it.
House, Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy!
House, (getting up and hurrying out the door) Just need to give her a chance.
Wilson," Yeah, that must have been what I meant."
Foreman, Have you seen the bride-to-be?
Chase, Gorgeous Woman half his age. He's a lucky guy.
Foreman," (chuckling) Yeah, for a while."
Masters," My father's 19 years older than my mother, and they've been happily married for 32 years."
Foreman, I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model. Sorry. That didn't come out right.
Masters," My father was the classics chair at Columbia, and my mother was his student. His gorgeous student."
Taub, What's it mean when somebody takes their cell phone into the bathroom when they're taking a shower?
Foreman," It means they don't want you to check their calls, emails, or texts."
Chase," If we're talking about your wife, it means the Parkckens are coming home to roost."
Chase, (to Masters) Taub has been known to dabble. (he looks back at Taub) Used to be.
Masters," Maybe it's just a habit. I do that with my cell phone, and I live alone."
Taub, She has a meeting today at 1:30. At a hotel.
Master," I'm gonna go with the Parkcken thing. Negative for Toxocara, Bacteroides, Ascaris, Everything."
Chase, So what looks like an infection but doesn't test like one?
Taub, Animals.
Chase, I'm sure your wife's just seeing a dude.
Taub," Patient works for Morgan Timber Works. Card's in the file. Specializing in stables, barns, and stalls. He works around animals. Rhodococcus Equi."
Chase, Unless this guy's sleeping in the Manger!
Taub, Or has a history of open wounds. (Taub hurries out of the lab. Chase follows him)
Taub," We think you have Rhodococcus Equi, a horse infection. It's pretty rare in huMans, but easily treatable with antibiotics."
Ramon, Does it make your teeth fall out?
Chase, No.
Chase," (looking inside Ramon's mouth) Then again, maybe we were wrong."
House," FEver, coughing up blood, coughing up teeth. So either God sweetened the deal with a ""no flossing"" clause or!"
Taub, Radiation sickness.
Chase," Yeah, maybe the carpenter builds microwave ovens."
Masters, Kaposi's sarcoma?
Foreman, No skin lesions.
Chase," Heavy metal poisoning fits. Canned tuna, sushi, lead paint."
House, Heavy metal it is. Do a home search and a peripheral smear.
Taub, (stopping) I can't. I have a personal errand to run.
House, He stops and turns to Taub) Trying to catch your wife cheating?
Taub, Oh! Why would you say that?
House, Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up
House, Shopkeeper. I need a Patient file.
Cuddy, Ask records.
House, Not one of our Patients. My Patient's daughter.
Cuddy, Ask your Patient.
House, He thinks I only want it to Debunk his faith.
Cuddy, And why would he think that?
House, Because he's strangely perceptive for an idiot.
Cuddy, And I'm going to violate Patient privacy laws just to keep you happy?
House," You keep me happy, I return the favor. Think of it as tat for tit."
Cuddy," When we're at work, we need to focus on our work thoughts. (she finally notices his clothing choice) Why are you wearing that?"
House, It's my dressy casual. What do you think?
Cuddy," You look like Wilson. It looks weird. Well, you knew I'd think that. Which makes me wonder why you look disappointed."
House," If you prick me, do I not bleed?"
Cuddy," You knew I wouldn't like it, but you thought I would say I did. That's what this is about. You're trying to trap me into lying to you."
House, You sure? 'Cause that sounds so juvenile. (Cuddy leaves)
Chase, You're okay with burglary now?
Masters," I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the Patient is going to hide something, but our Patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything."
Chase, Did you ask for his key too?
Masters," Oh, doesn't have one."
Chase, And now we know why. You think he's crazy?
Masters, Crucifixion's pretty convincing evidence. Lead paint?
Chase, The place is too new. He beliEves in a higher power that can affect his life. Like most people on the planet.
Masters," True. On the other hand, crucified himself."
Chase, (examining some shelf contents) No canned tuna. And I don't think we have to worry about sushi.
Masters, No computer. No television. No music. What does he do?
Chase, (leafing through a book he has found on the counter) He reads. Prayer's been proven to aid recovery.
Masters, Only if the person knows they're being prayed for. Means there's no objective effect.
Chase, So faith comes from within. Not exactly a newsflash.
Masters, I guess worry is good for the waistline.
Chase, It's not worry. It's starvation. His tooth didn't fall out because of heavy metal poisoning. It fell out because of malnutrition.
Masters, He does have Rhodococcus Equi.
Chase, Taub was right. He just didn't know why.
House, It's locked.
Wilson, (from inside his office) I'm busy!
House, I'll wait.
Wilson, I really am busy.
House," Cuddy got me the daughter's file. Well, not Cuddy exactly. Her signature. Well, not exactly her signature."
Wilson, Another lie?
House, Thought you could take a look at it for me.
Wilson, Maybe you hadn't heard. I'm kind of busy.
House, With what?
Wilson, Sudoku. What do you think? I'm the head of oncology at a major hospital.
House, And yet these files are not from this hospital. These are from where-my-fiancee-works memorial.
Wilson," Sam's boss is doing a clinical review of all of her files, and she just wanted to make sure Everything was in order before he starts on Monday."
House, Which explains why Sam is too busy to look at my file.
Wilson," If I don't help her, she can't go to the wedding and! We fell in love at her cousin's wedding, which is why I want to propose to her at a wedding. And now you have 60 seconds to berate me for that and for helping my girlfriend with her homework."
House," You don't want to propose at a wedding. Emotions running high, people on edge. You ought to try somewhere like a Buddhist temple or an aquarium. Or a Buddhist aquarium. That only took ten seconds. You can spend the rest of the time on my file."
Taub, Rachel?
Taub, (answering his phone) Hey. How long before you're home?
Rachel, (walking into the room as she talks to Taub on her phone) Not long.
Taub," Uh, hey. Hey. Uh, you left your laptop on."
Rachel, Saw you today. At the hotel. Were you checking up on me?
Taub, Yes.
Rachel, Satisfied?
Taub, Yes.
Rachel, Good.
Taub, That's it?
Rachel, You said you're satisfied. It's enough.
Taub, You're not wondering why it started. That makes me think you don't want
Rachel, You're being paranoid.
Taub, You took your cell phone with you into the bathroom when you took your shower this morning.
Rachel, I made a new friend. Online. In a support group.
Taub, A guy?
Rachel, Yes.
Taub, A support group for what?
Rachel, For people with unfaithful spouses.
Masters, Why didn't you tell us you were starving yourself?
Ramon," Well, I wasn't trying to. I'm on a tight budget, and it seemed like an okay diet."
Masters," Well, you seem to be felling better."
Ramon, (with a smile on his face) Not really. My legs are killing me.
Masters," How bad is the pain? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst."
Ramon, (smiling) 9 1/2.
Masters, Then why are you smiling?
Ramon, I'm not smiling.
Foreman, Leg pain and Pseudobulbar Affect. He's feeling one emotion while unknowingly expressing another one.
House," Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here."
Ramon, Really?
House," No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur,"
Taub, He hasn't had hallucinations.
House," I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about ""him"" with a capital ""o-m-g."""
Chase, You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?
Masters," Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. PRobably SParkzophrenic."
House, I think you offended him.
Taub, You're saying the Patient's religious extremism could be a symptom.
Foreman, A neuro disorder could explain all his delusions.
House, Get an MRI of his brain. Let's see if we can find God.
Cuddy, Heard you got the daughter's file. Patient change his mind?
House, I forged your signature.
Cuddy, Thank you for your honesty.
House," Think of it as a present. See, somebody is about to turn the big 4-5 in sEveral months, and somebody else wants to make a very big deal of it."
Cuddy, (stopping in front of her office door) 4-3.
House, 4-3. Are you sure?
Cuddy, Very.
House," How could I make such a mistake? In reading your HR file? Oh, no, wait, I didn't. And (loudly) boom goes the dynamite. Scores are tied. We are Even-Steven."
Cuddy," You're right. I did lie. To HR. Not to you. When I first applied for the VP Admin job, I was 29 years old. I knew I would be taken more seriously if I were"
House, You lied to make yourself older? Are you lying about being a Woman?
Cuddy," Even if you can trap me, you think I'll suddenly embrace the value of lying?"
House, My point is you already have. I just need to prove it.
Taub, Parkckens aren't roosting. She's just got a friend. A guy she met in an online support group for cheating spouses.
Chase, I've heard of that group. It's called irony.
Taub, You think she's cheating on her spouse with someone from a cheating spouse support group?
Chase, Sounds like the perfect place to hit on vulnerable women.
Masters, Look. (Chase freezes the monitor screen) Multiple dense lesions.
Chase, It looks like M.S.
Masters, How did we miss M.S.?
Chase," It was hiding behind the malnutrition. M.S. attacks the immune system. No system, no symptoms."
Taub," And now we're feeding him, so they're both back."
House, How are you feeling?
Ramon, (grinning) Terrible.
House, Obviously. Where are your friends? Still casting lots for your clothes?
Ramon, All I ask is that they pray for me.
House," Always sacrificing. Very inspirational. The lesions are in your temporal lobes. When those areas get messed with, people have strange experiences � like hauntings, alien abductions, past lives."
Ramon, Deals with God? You didn't come to see if I was better. You came to see if your medicine has turned me into an atheist.
House, I'd settle for agnostic.
Ramon, Faith is not a disease.
House," No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people."
Ramon, (smiling) I can't move my arm.
House, You feel that?
House, Your friends are not praying hard enough.
Chase, It's not M.S.
Foreman, Paralysis is a symptom of M.S. So are leg pain and pseudobulbar affect.
Chase, He's getting worse on the prednisone. It's not M.S.
Taub, The MRI was clear. He has lesions.
Masters," Could be an AVM, cerebral infarction."
House, Let's put it to the vote. (holding one in each hand) Vest or cummerbund?
Masters, Cummerbund.
House, You know me. I can't say no to any of you guys. You're all correct. He has M.S. But not the friendly Mr. Rogers M.S. This is the weird guy in the panel van kind.
Masters, Marburg M.S.?
House, What did I just say?
Masters, He'll be dead in two to three days at the most.
House," That's unless we can get someone to nail themselves to a cross as soon as possible. Or, stem cell treatment."
Taub, That's an experimental treatment.
Foreman, That's had promising results with demyelinating diseases. It's our best shot.
Chase, It would be if it wasn't embryonic stem cell treatment. Our Patient's right of the pope. He's nEver gonna consent to that.
House," I know that, and you know that. He doesn't know that. But now she knows that, he's gonna know that. Way to go."
House, Confirm Marburg. Then see if he's a fair-weather flagellator.
House," (imitating Sean Connery) You look smashing, Miss Moneypenny."
Wilson," (Responding in character as Miss Moneypenny) Cummerbund? Very foolish, Mr. Bond."
Wilson," The daughter's case checks out. Stereotactic biopsy confirmed stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. Doesn't respond to chemo, but they gave it to her anyway as a hail Mary and just got lucky."
House," So either God intervened, which is a lazy explanation, or we just don't know why. Which is no explanation."
Wilson, Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.
House, Which annoys me to no end.
Wilson," I need that file, that chair, and that desk."
House," Your Woman is fudging the facts. Five of those cases, the stated doses don't explain the radiation damage."
Wilson, Sensitivities vary.
House, Not that much.
Wilson," (nodding) Yeah. That's what I thought. (He pauses, sighs, and sits down in his chair) I asked her point blank about this. She said the dosages were accurate and that she had done nothing wrong."
House," 'Cause morally she didn't. All five Patients were terminal. She exceeded the dosing protocols to try to save their life. You would have done the same. She's a sap, and she's perfect for you. (House leaves the office)"
House, I hate rehearsal dinners almost as much as I hate weddings.
House, The only reason anyone gets married is that homo erectus females needed protection from predators while breastfeeding. The only reason these two are getting married is to throw an obnoxious gala and make the rest of us feel unworthy.
House, Even though we know in two years their Lawyers are gonna be fighting over the Bentleys.
Cuddy, (letting her hair fall) That'll make a lovely toast.
House, She's got looks. He's got money. One of them is bound to run out.
Cuddy, I give it 19 months.
House, That's very specific.
Cuddy, No fault divorce in New Jersey requires couples to live at least 18 months apart. I'm actually only giving it a few weeks.
House, Oh. Thought I was supposed to be the dark one.
Cuddy, Not today.
House, (into the phone) Yeah.
House, (to Cuddy) You're gonna have to go stag. My Patient is refusing treatment.
Cuddy, And you care?
House, No. But it's an excuse you can't argue with.
Ramon, Accepting this treatment is an insult to God. I can't expect him to keep our deal.
House, You already broke it. Your blood test showed you were loaded with ibuprofen.
Ramon, Taking painkillers breaks my deal?
House," The point is to suffer like your savior did, right? Well, he didn't take myrrh, the Tylenol of ancient Rome. And his nails went through his wrists, not through his palms. Palms are for sissies. And what about the 39 lashes and the beatings and the crown of thorns? What you go through is closer to a bad Manicure than a crucifixion."
Ramon," It's not about showing God my pain. It's about showing him my faith. If he asks me to die for my daughter, I'll do it gladly."
House," Don't make this about your daughter. (House rolls the stool closer to the bed) You're just worried that if we find a cure, that it'll cost you your faith. And then you'll be like the rest of us."
Ramon, Alone and afraid? You're right. I don't want that.
Masters, You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.
Ramon," You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em."
House, Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.
Masters, All conviction's equally ridiculous?
House, Just when they're applied indiscriminately to all circumstances.
Masters, He needs to see his daughter.
House, He needs to see Inherit the Wind.
Masters, And tell her he's dying because God doesn't want him to take his medicine.
Masters, Honesty's not all bad.
House, (nodding) Get her in here.
Marisa," You don't have to die, not if you take their medicine."
Ramon, (smiling) The treatment violates God's laws. He doesn't want me to take it.
Marisa, But God doesn't want you to die. He doesn't want anyone to die. He's all about love.
Ramon, I know this is coming from your mother.
Marisa, This is coming from me. I'm the one who almost died. I know what it's like. And you're my daddy. You can't die.
Ramon, I wish I didn't have to.
Marisa," You don't have to, daddy. Just take the medicine. You always tell me to take the medicine. Please. (She is pleading)"
Ramon," One day, you're going to understand."
Marisa," No, I'm not. I am nEver going to understand that. If God could do this, I hate God."
Chase, I just spotted a couple of hot girls by the chocolate fountain.
Foreman, Weren't you just upstairs with!
Chase," And it wouldn't have happened if not for you, buddy. Someone had to distract the sober friend."
Foreman, I'm not here to be your wingMan.
Chase, I'll be your wingMan this time.
Foreman, I didn't come here to get laid.
Chase, Then don't. Talking to beautiful women isn't nearly as much fun as watParkng Taub not talking to his wife.
Taub, I went through your emails.
Rachel," There's nothing in there that's inappropriate. We're friends, Chris."
Taub, But you tell him things that you've nEver told me.
Rachel, I tell him things I can't tell you. That's the point.
Taub, Not things about me. About you. About your new job. About coloring your hair. About how you felt when your mother died. I want to know those things.
Rachel, He's easy to talk to. (She stops dancing) He's open and honest. He makes me feel safe.
Taub, Sounds like you love him.
Rachel, I am not having an affair. He lives in Oregon. I've nEver met him. I pRobably nEver will.
Taub, You are having an affair. An emotional one.
Rachel, Are you equating what I'm doing with what you did?
Taub," I've done terrible things to you, and I deserve all of this and more, but you can't pretend that what you're doing isn't hurtful."
House, Someone looks lovely tonight.
Cuddy, Thank you.
House, I meant me. Someone else looks simply stunning. That was you. And the blonde at the bar.
Cuddy," Just to be clear, this whole little act isn't gonna work. I need an apology. Not flattery."
House, It's not an act. It's the wedding.
Cuddy, You hate weddings.
House, I thought I did. Then I realized I've nEver been to one.
Cuddy, NEver?
House, Turns out they're kind of fun.
Chase," Well, I can't complain about my boss. He's right here."
Nika, (to Foreman) You're his boss?
Foreman, Um!
Chase, Only Mondays through Fridays. (putting his arm around Foreman's shoulder) On the weekends he's my bro.
Foreman, (to the girls) This round's on the bro? (He leaves to get another round of drinks)
Masters, Um. I'm sorry about your daughter. I nEver meant to hurt her.
Ramon, You just thought she would change my mind.
Masters, I was surprised she didn't.
Ramon, So was I. I didn't tell you the truth. When I said I'm not afraid to die.
Masters," But you're going straight to heaven, so!"
Ramon," That's what I beliEve, but I'm huMan."
Masters, So you know you may be wrong. How could you do what you just did?
Ramon," That's why we have beliefs. So we can still see the right thing to do when we're blinded with doubt and fear. Our beliefs define us. If we lose them, who are we?"
Taub," Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go that way."
Rachel," You think I'm being selfish, but I'm not. He makes me feel better about me and about us."
Taub," Well, that is hard to beliEve, because all I feel right now is, is betrayed."
Rachel, I nEver wanted that.
Taub," Good. Because just like you asked me to stop my behavior, I'm asking you to stop this."
Taub, No?
Rachel, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Taub, Is this rEvenge?
Rachel, I don't know. But I do know that it's something I need right now. (Taub turns and leaves her)
House, What would you wear?
Cuddy," Well, I'm a sucker for the white gown."
House," Traditionally for young, first-time brides."
Cuddy," Well, I may not be young, but I'll be first-time. (She refills her glass at a champagne fountain)"
House," That is a lie. (she looks at him in disbelief) You were married before. 1987 for six days. (Cuddy looks at him questioningly) Your knowledge of New Jersey divorce law made me suspicious, so I looked it up."
Cuddy, So this was all your trap?
House," Uhh, a trap's primitive. I prefer inveiglement. Anyway, the point is, I lied to you, you lied to me, I forgive you."
Cuddy, Well played. (She puts down her glass and walks away from him)
Sam," You're tired, aren't you? All those files?"
Wilson," No. No, I was thinking! I mean, if those two Even have the slightest chance"
Wilson," I've come to realize that I love you Even more than I thought I did. (Wilson opens the ring box) Sam, will you marry me again?"
Sam, Wow. I don't Even know what to say.
Wilson, I have a suggestion.
Sam, Where did this Even come from? When did you! You just came to realize what made you love me Even more?
Wilson, Everything you've done. Your work. Your! your sense of morality. The five cases. I not only agree with what you did. I admire it.
Sam, I didn't do anything. You already asked me about the files. And I told you the truth.
Wilson, I know. And I get it.
Sam, You don't beliEve me.
Wilson, I beliEve that you are a wonderful person.
Sam, Who lies and cheats.
Wilson," No, Sam, I'm! Listen, I'm on your side."
Sam, I can't beliEve this. (She leaves)
Wilson," What? Sam. Sam, don't do this!"
House, (talking about Chase) So how Many do you think?
Foreman, At least three.
House," Hat trick, Chase. (He picks up a glass of champagne from the table and takes a sip) See? The life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt."
Taub," It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me"
House, That makes a lot more sense.
Wilson, Ignore him. He just got an idea.
House, (grabbing his jacket and cane and leaving them) I have one more test to run.
Foreman, Ugh. I hate weddings.
House, It won't be long now. You'll be staring down the yawning void before you know it.
Ramon, You came from a wedding to tell me that?
House, Nope. I came from a wedding to run a PET scan.
Ramon, I thought you'd given up on me.
House, I have. PET scan was for your daughter. I was wrong about her. She did have glioblastoma. And she still does. The cancer nEver went away.
Ramon," Yes, it did. They tested her Every year. With a CT scan."
House," Which misses all the tiny, little tumors that a PET scan doesn't."
Ramon, You've made a mistake. She does not have cancer anymore.
House, I ran it twice. No mistake. Looks like God broke your deal. I'm sorry. But I'm also right.
Ramon, You're a bastard. Do whatEver you want to me.
House, Good call.
Foreman, Surprised you've got enough strength to come to work today.
Chase, 36 hours is long enough for me to recover. And not nearly long enough for this guy to be getting better.
Taub, House wanted us checking Every 12 hours anyway.
Chase, (to Foreman) Sorry I took off on you.
Foreman, Twice?
Chase," First one was my bad. Second one, I had no choice. It was a threesome."
Taub, They're overrated.
Chase and Foreman, He's bluffing.
Taub, Get House.
House," Got something to show you. Your daughter's PET scan. It's clean. She's fine. My bad. Got her mixed up with Marion Silver. Marisa Silva. That's believable, right? Anyhow, good news for you, bad news for Mr. Silver."
Ramon, You tricked me. God didn't break our deal. I did. You led me into temptation. And I followed.
House, And God will punish you for that.
Ramon, He has to.
House," Cause if he didn't, well, that would make you wonder, wouldn't it?"
Ramon, He will.
House," Well, that's why I'm so confused by this. (He holds up a MRI scan film) This is your MRI. Shows incremental improvement. You're getting better. I double-checked the name on this one. But it's not all good news. This Patient is screwed. (He holds up a third film) Technical term is dead as a doornail."
Ramon, Who is that?
House," God. You broke your deal with him, your daughter's fine, you're getting better. Nothing bad happened. Which can only mean one thing. There is no God. Of course, if your daughter gets hit by a meteorite today, I would have some serious egg on my face."
House, You're smiling. I assume that means you're miserable.
Ramon, It means I'm happy. It doesn't mean God doesn't exist. It just means he's-he's truly merciful. My beautiful Marisa was right. God is all about love.
House," Punishment is proof of God, and no punishment is proof of God? Ingenious argument."
Ramon, Faith isn't an argument. I'd like to see my daughter.
Masters, (moving quickly to catch up to House) Everyone else knew?
House, Everyone I could trust. So yes.
Masters," If you had told me, he'd be dead by now. So why do I still want to tell the truth?"
House, Either you're naïve or you have scruples. I'm not sure which is worse.
Masters, This is insane. We can't work like this.
House, I can.
Wilson, Sam?
Sam, Sorry. I was hoping to be done before you got home.
Wilson, We had a fight. We had one fight. And I admitted I was wrong. We can talk about it. We can get over it.
Sam, This is about trust.
Wilson, I nEver lied to you about anything.
Sam, I know. And I always trusted you.
Wilson, I! Maybe we could talk to a counselor. You said that helped after our divorce.
Sam, It did. And I think I changed a lot.
Wilson, And I haven't? This is my fault?
Sam, I know where this is going. And I don't want to go there again.
Wilson," You're quitting, Sam. You're quitting, again. So I guess you haven't changed that much."
Cuddy," (to House, who has entered the office) Good work today. I don't Even think your Patient's gonna sue. It looks like Everybody's happy."
House," I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If Everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and beliEve. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. (pause) I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again."
Cuddy, Thank you.
Wilson, Sam left me.
House, What a moron.
Wilson, Too soon. I'm still in love with her.
House, I meant you.
Wilson, Do you have a drink? Or drinks?
House, Cuddy's coming over.
Wilson, (looking up at House) Does she know you're here?
House, I apologized to her.
Wilson, (standing up and looking at House) Good for you.
House, Not really. I lied. (He turns to face Wilson) I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't.
Wilson, Good for you.
Daisy , What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal?
Jack ," What's that, baby?"
Daisy , What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal?
Jack ," Um, seals tell the truth, but a sea lion's always lyin'?"
Daisy , A sea lion has ears.
Jack ," Yeah, that's right. I forgot."
Daisy , I'll show you when we get to the zoo. Can we have pizza tonight?
Jack ," I'm not gonna be here, Daisy. I'm-I'm going back on the road, remember?"
Daisy , You've only been here for two days.
Jack , I'll be back in three weeks this time.
Woman , Somebody help her!
Man , She's having a seizure!
 , On the track?
 ," Yeah, there's a lady down there."
Daisy ," Daddy, come back! Daddy!"
Jack ," Hey. Lady, are you okay? Come on, come on, hey, wake up! Come on! Get up! Hey! Come on. (The train is coming quickly. Jack realizes he won't be able to bring the Woman up fast enough. The crowd screams.) Help me! Somebody help me! Come on!"
 , Hurry up! Hurry up!
Jack , Aah! (he lies down on the Woman. The train rolls over them and stops. The alarm starts sounding. People are crying on the platform.)
Daisy , Daddy!
 , Move the train! Move the train! (Other people start pounding.)
Man ," Hey, Man, are you okay?"
Jack ," Yeah, I think so."
Jack ," She's epileptic. Come on, let's get you up. You got her?"
Man ," Yeah, we got her."
Jack ," Hey, sweetie, I'm okay."
Daisy , Daddy? (He faints and falls on the railway.)
 , Your enthusiasm is impressive. Wish I could say the same about your presentation. Everybody knows you lead with your most interesting symptom.
Masters ," You're right. EKG is more interesting than loss of consciousness, so�"
House ," God, she's still talking. Make it stop."
Masters ," The guy did a wonderful thing. Can't we just take that at face value? (House sits at the table. Masters gives him a file with his name on a post it, too.)"
House, You are adorable. Heroism does exist.
Masters , What about the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson?
House," News flash � that guy was already on the plane. For all we know, he would have killed Everyone else on board if it increased his chances. Faced with almost certain death, a normal person rides the pine."
Masters , What about firefighters?
House, The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation?
Taub , And the Patient isn't a firefighter. He plays a bass in a band.
Masters , So huManity is apathetic and self-serving?
House , Yeah.
Taub ," I was mugged once. When I saw the gun, my legs went out."
Chase , I always thought it was fight or flight. Didn't know it was fight or flight or faint. (He laughs.)
Taub , Laugh all you want. The other hundred people stayed on that platform. That's a normal response to danger.
House , The coward has spoken. (Taub raises his closed fist.) Our Patient's pRoblem is neurological. Sympathetic stimulation � stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart. Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system.
Chase , Seems like you're getting a bit of attention.
Jack , Everyone keeps going out of their way asking me if I need anything. It's kind of nice. (He waves at them.)
Masters , So what happened out there?
Jack ," I don't really remember. It's just images, like flashes. I kind of went on autopilot. My memory doesn't go back into real time until I was in the ambulance. (A young Woman, looking upset, walks quickly to the room.)"
Masters , I read that's pretty common for people in life-or-death situations.
Eva , Jack.
Jack ," Honey. Uh, this is my wife, Eva."
Eva , Are you okay?
Jack ," Yeah, I'm fine. They're just doing some tests. How's Daisy?"
Eva ," She's not so good, actually. She watched her father jump in front of a train. Ugh. She's still shaking. She can't stop crying. Why would you do that to her?"
Masters , He saved a Woman's life.
Eva , He could have died. Did you Even think about your family?
House , I need your advice. Dinner with your mom on Thursday.
 ," I know. I'm definitely coming, but Wilson's got tickets to the Hong Kong film festival. Ever since his breakup, he's been a mess. I haven't been able to tell him that I'm not going, so maybe if you happen to see him, you could mention how important this is. (He stops and waits intently.)"
 , You should go.
House , What? I can't. It's your birthday.
 ," Oh, it's-it's-it's fine. It's sweet that you care about your friend, and, frankly, as you will find out sooner or later, my mother is a handful. Go."
House , I need your advice. This film festival.
 , I have had these tickets for two months.
House ," Yeah, I know. I'm definitely coming."
Wilson , Okay.
House ," But Thursday is Cuddy's birthday, and her mom's coming down � it's a whole dinner thing. (Wilson puts his forehead on his hand and shakes his head.) And I thought, maybe if you see her, you could mention how upset you've been."
Wilson , You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not Even a question.
House ," She has one Every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? (Considering it) Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still!"
Wilson , I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.
 , I will definitely make this up to you. (He leaves. Wilson rubs his forehead.)
a and does a double take ," there is an ad for PPTH. It says ""Be Better""� and shows a giant picture of a smiling Taub, wearing a lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He looks like the perfect doctor.)"
Rachel ," Hey. Am I imagining things, or did I see a jbo25eza9a with your face on it on my way home tonight?"
Taub ," Oh, was my whole face there? 'Cause I just saw the nose."
 , I thought you said they were taking a picture of a bunch of doctors together.
Taub , They did. I have no idea how it ended up just me. (he checks his mail.)
Rachel ," Well, you are pretty cute."
Taub , You're flirting with me?
Rachel , I don't see anyone else in the room. What?
Taub , I don't know. Things have been a little tense around here since that whole online-boyfriend thing.
 , Phil's not my boyfriend. I'm not the one with the pRoblem.
Taub ," No, you're the one with feelings for someone else."
Rachel ," You're still my husband. (She kisses him.) I still love you. (They kiss again.) And I want things to be okay between us. (One more kiss.) Also, you're a famous model now. That's pretty cool! sexy, Even."
Masters , So I advance through the carotid bifurcation!
Chase , Are you asking?
Masters ," Yes, I'm asking. I've only read how to do it. Practice is different than theory. Just tell me how to do it."
Chase , You're going to inject dye just past the takeoff for the optic artery.
Masters , Right. Now?
Chases , His B.P.'s going up. The procedure's stressing his body. (He massages Jack's carotid.)
Masters ," Well, what do I do?"
Chase ," Hold on a minute. Just give him a chance to regain equilibrium. B.P.'s up, heart rate's 180."
Masters , W-what should I do?
 , Give me the catheter. Get a crash cart. (Alarm beeping. Masters runs to the crash cart.) He's in cardiac arrest. Maybe your second time will go better.
House , So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size. (He smiles smugly.)
Taub , Can we go back to the office now?
House ," You kidding? We got a differential to run. (He hangs his cane on the bus shelter, pulls out a sharpie and start scribbling on the glass). Cardiac arrhythmia."
Taub ," That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst."
Masters ," Arrhythmia proves I was right. Jack's pRoblem is his heart, not his brain."
House ," So when you're not on a jbo25eza9a, you sleep with nurses. But when you are, you sleep with your wife. I think you got that backwards."
Chase , That's my elbow in the corner. What's your wife doing later?
Masters , Huh. They chose you and cut out Chase?
Taub ," Apparently, marketing thinks my face is the most trustworthy."
Foreman , For real? (Taub nods slightly. Foreman laughs. Chase smiles. House smirks.)
Masters , Both of our Patients' cardiac incidents happened after physical stress. I'm guessing vasovagal syncope?
House , Buzzkill. (He goes back to writing on the glass.)
Taub , Vasovagal syncope would Manifest at a much younger age. Could be drugs.
Masters , Tox screen was clean.
Foreman ," What about autonomic nervous system dysfunction? It could cause arrhythmia and fainting. (We finally see what House was doing. He has improved Taub's picture, making him look very close to Hitler. Taub facepalms with both hands.)"
House ," Inappropriate? I mean, 'cause of the Jew thing? Autonomic nervous system dysfunction � I like it. (He caps the pen.) Let's biopsy his pituitary gland."
Masters ," Adrenal venous sampling makes more sense and is a less invasive procedure! which you don't care about, because you just want to check the pituitary, because you still think there's something wrong with the guy's brain?"
House , Can't fool you.
Chase , He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease. We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't beliEve in heroism.
House ," Fine, do it your way. You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better."
Chase ," The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary actions, like your heartbeat. If we're right, it's Manageable, but will progress."
 , Do you think we can consult with him?
Chase , I didn't know you knew Dr. Taub.
Eva , I don't.
Chase , You saw the ads.
Eva ," Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday. And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right?"
 , Dr. Taub! the Patient would like to see you. (He keeps the door open for Taub to enter.)
 , How can I help?
House ," I forgot. You guys talk. (To Cuddy) Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent huMan being (Cuddy almost smiles), and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you (Wilson rises his eyebrows), Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer."
Wilson , And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
House ," I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey! by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?"
 in unison , Yes.
Cuddy , You have to choose one of us.
 , Good! because he's coming to my birthday dinner. (This leaves House speechless.)
Wilson , I do not whine.
Eva ," Jack's not exactly the hero type. He started this band in college. They gig around the country, looking for their big break. It's been 16 years."
Taub , That must be hard on you and Daisy.
Eva , It's like I'm a single parent. I love him so much. But I'm at the end of my rope.
Taub ," What Jack did yesterday was so incredible, our boss assumed his illness had something to do with his behavior. But if that's not the case, there's more to him than you think. (Eva smiles and nods slightly.)"
Chase , You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here?
 , I knew it was bugging you.
Chase , They cut me out.
Foreman ," You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the Patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy."
Chase ," Well, I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy."
Foreman , That's 'cause I'm black. (Chase looks surprised.) Cortisol lEvels look normal. We were wrong.
Chase , Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
Chase , You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Foreman , 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist. Some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Chase ," So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face? We're good."
Foreman , O2 sats are dropping.
Chase ," He's not breathing. Suction. (He gets the pump, we can hear the tube slurping, and the alarm stops.)"
Foreman , Sats are coming back.
Chase , Mucus plug. That's weird.
Foreman , Fluid in the lungs.
Chase , Pneumonitis? That doesn't fit with anyone's theory.
Masters , Our tests finally rule out the brain. That leaves the heart and the lungs.
Chase ," Pneumonitis can be caused by bacteria, parasite, some kind of an obstruction."
House , Who was the girl on the tracks?
Foreman , News story said her name was Chloe Jeffries. Why does that matter?
House ," 'Cause there's another reason besides being sick that he'd risk his life for a stranger. She's not a stranger. (Taub rolls his eyes.) The damsel in distress is an epileptic. So we assumed she was having an epileptic seizure, but what if she wasn't? What if she's sick too?"
Chase , Jack is away a lot on tour. What happens on the road stays on the road.
Masters , The most likely cause of pneumonitis is infection. Shouldn't we be getting a sputum culture?
House , There's no significant elevation of white blood cell count. This is more like toxic exposure.
Foreman , He's got a point.
Masters , Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
House ," Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite."
Chase , Hello?
Taub ," So we're breaking into this girl's apartment because House thinks that two people, standing 30 feet apart on a subway platform have to be lovers."
Chase ," God, you're a drag today. Let me guess. Back to fighting with the wife? (They start to search the room.)"
Taub , No. We had sex again last night! twice! and again this morning.
Chase , Aw.
Taub ," Rachel hasn't wanted this much intimacy in a long time. I don't think it's me she's hot for. It's this Internet guy. She's just happy, and that's turning her on."
Chase ," So she's not cheating on you, and you're getting all the action you can handle. I don't see the downside. (Taking a CD) What was Jack's band called?"
Taub , Suicide! something.
 ," Suicide Season. She does know him. Question is, how'd they get sick?"
 , Kryptonite.
House ," EKG's unremarkable, thyroid, liver, and kidney function seems fine. You're perfectly healthy. (The camera pans and we see a blonde Woman in her sixties, dressed in pink, very elegant, listening to him intently.)"
Arlene ," I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold, I get this weird pain in my shoulder."
House , I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining! (small smile) Except for just now.
Arlene , How do doctors get this idea you're better than Everyone else?
House , PRobably all that pulling people back from the brink of death. It's just a guess.
Arlene , My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
 , She sounds smart.
Arlene , Did she tell you to say that?
Arlene ," That's hard to beliEve, since you're currently shtupping her. (She turns back to a stunned, speechless House.)"
House , We have a situation.
Jack ," Roach bombs, where?"
Taub , In Chloe's apartment.
Jack , Who's Chloe?
Taub ," Uh, look, we don't care about your personal life. We're not gonna tell your wife."
Jack , I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
Masters , Guess who showed up looking for Jack. (The Woman from the station walks in.)
 , Hey.
Chloe , Hi.
Jack , You okay? The E.M.T. said you'd gone to another hospital.
Chloe ," They help me overnight for observation. I'm fine. I had to come here to! I don't know why you did it, but thank you."
Jack , You're welcome.
Chloe , I should have brought flowers or something. You're like my guardian angel.
Jack , No. I'm just a guy in a band.
Chase , Maybe you've heard of them? Suicide Season?
Chloe ," One of my nurses gave me the CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to be your biggest fan."
 , I'm gonna need you to cough.
Chase , What are you doing?
Masters ," Getting a sputum culture. They obviously don't know each other, so it's not toxic exposure. Just leaves my theory � infection. If you could just cough up a sample, we can, uh, test for pathogens."
Jack ," Um! [Coughing] Sorry, um! sorry, nothing � there's nothing coming up."
Masters ," Well, maybe I can help you. (She taps his back.)"
Jack , Aah! Ohh! It hurts! (He holds his head with his hands.)
Chloe , What's the matter?
 ," Round, equal, reactive to light. It's not a stroke."
 ," No, it's not my head. It's my ears."
House ," ""When I saw her lying there, I thought, ""'I can't just stand here and let her die. She has her whole life to live.'"""
Masters , He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl. Even you have to admit that now. (House shows the newspaper to Taub. There is the PPTH ad on it. Taub turns the paper with his face down to the table.)
House ," Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero. It makes him an idiot. The only reason that headline doesn't say ""moron crushed by train"" is luck."
Taub ," Next headline is gonna be ""moron goes undiagnosed because doctors won't talk about his ear pain."""
Masters , Ear pain fits with my theory. Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.
House ," Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted."
Masters , Am I in trouble?
House ," I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you."
Masters , You have a better idea?
House ," Nope, so I'm gonna pick one at random. Acoustic neuroma."
Foreman ," A tumor in the ear � makes sense. And if it's putting pressure on the breathing centers in his brain, explains the lungs."
House , The lungs explain the heart.
House , Evoked auditory potential test. This counts as my time. (He leaves.)
Taub ," You guys got this? (He leaves, too.)"
House , I have been going out of my way to be nice to old Jewish ladies for months now on the off chance one of them could be your mom. You couldn't have mentioned she's a shiksa?
Cuddy , She converted when she married my dad.
House ," You see, now is too late."
Cuddy ," I'm not blaming you for this. She's the one who ambushed you to find out what you were like, because I ""nEver tell her anything."""
House ," I'd have to agree with her on that one. Anyway, I obviously can't come to dinner now."
Cuddy , Obviously?
House ," Well, she's crazy, and she hates me."
Cuddy ," House! I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery. (House wimpers.)"
Taub , That was! unexpected.
Rachel , I'm having a good day. I finally resolved that thing with my sister.
Taub , What thing?
Rachel ," Oh, we had the worst fight over whether it's time to put Dad in that facility. Been sick over it for weeks."
Taub , You nEver mentioned anything about your sister.
Rachel , I actually talked a lot about it with Phil.
 , I should be getting back.
Rachel , It's fine now. I-it's no big deal.
Taub , Are you in love with him?
Rachel , I've nEver met him.
Foreman , Waves one and three normal at 70 decibels.
Masters ," It's been 37 minutes, and Everything is normal. House is wrong again. He doesn't have a tumor."
Foreman ," House doesn't usually accept ""we gave up halfway"" as an answer."
Masters ," If I could get fluid closer to the sources of infection, I could get better cultures, prove my theory. (Chase and Foreman look at each other and roll their eyes.) I'm gonna set up for an ear drainage and thoracentesis. I'll only be wasting my time."
Foreman , She's a student. Somebody's got to go with her. (He and Chase play rock/paper/scissors. Chase loses.)
Jack , I saved that girl. I did that.
Eva , And I'm really proud of you.
Jack , This whole thing has made me wonder! if things could be different. I have spent so much time away from you.
Eva ," Yeah, well, you love your music."
Jack ," But it's not just that. I think that I have been! afraid! that I would screw things up, that I couldn't be the Man you and Daisy needed me to be. But maybe I'm better than that. Hmm? (He cries a little.) I am going to quit the band."
 , I think we'd like that.
Jack , Uh-oh.
Masters ," Hey, how's the ear pain?"
Jack ," It's better with the drugs, but it still really hurts."
Masters ," We are going to take some fluid samples from your ear and your lung. Can you get up? Lean forward. Lean on this. Okay, this is Lidocaine. It'll numb you up."
Jack ," Okay. (He sighs, then chuckles) This is weird."
Masters , What-what's the matter?
Jack , The pain in my ear is gone.
Chase , Gone? Completely?
Jack ," Yeah, when you stuck me in the back. What does that mean?"
Cuddy ," Okay, I'm just cutting that for you. Yum yum."
Arlene , Is! is she going to eat anything else or just the cheese and crackers?
Cuddy , She's going through a picky phase � it won't kill her.
Arlene ," You're her mother. All I know is, when you and your sister were growing up, you ate what we ate. No excuses."
House , Would you pass the salt? (Arlene smiles and picks up the salt. Cuddy snatches it and hands it to House. Arlene rolls her eyes.)
Cuddy ," She had eggs this morning, and lots of fruit."
Arlene , Ah. That explains it.
Cuddy , Explains what?
Arlene , She was a little vilder chaiah in the Park this afternoon. She wouldn't listen to anything I said. Must have been all the sugar.
Wilson ," Actually, the whole sugar-makes-kids-hyperactive thing is a myth. (Arlene glares at him. He starts to lose his composure.) It's a study."
 ," I'm sure it's very interesting. I didn't read any studies. I just raised Parkldren. (Wilson shakes his fork, nervously, then his head. Arlen turns to Cuddy.) It's not your fault. How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're nEver home."
House , I'm sorry. I have to get this. (He leaves the room and whispers pleadingly) Tell me you need me.
Chase , Jack doesn't have cancer.
 ," God, that's awful. I'll be right in. (Cuddy's mouth opens in disbelief.)"
Chase ," Masters stuck him in the back with Lidocaine, and his ear pain went away."
Foreman , We don't need you here. We just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back.
House ," Because his ear used to be something else. When you're a fetus, your cells are close together. When you grow, they spread out and specialize. Sometimes the body screws up, and they keep the old area codes, report to the same pain centers."
Taub , Referred pain.
House ," Looks and brains. When you stuck him in the back, you cut off communication with the pain centers in his spinal cord. So we just need to figure out where the message is actually coming from. What about his thyroid?"
Chase , Hyperthyroidism would explain all his symptoms.
House , Or it could be his liver.
Foreman , Good. We'll take a look at both. If it's spreading to�
Masters ," For the record, referred pain does not rule out infection�"
House ," Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, ""actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean Theorem""? (His phone clicks.) Hello? (The team has hung up. House sighs and goes back to the dining room.)"
Cuddy , All right. Mom!
Arlene ," Thank you, sweetie. (To House) So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism? (House stays still.)"
 ," We haven't gotten that far, mom."
 , That's actually a really interesting question. (Cuddy and House both glare at him.)
House , I'm an atheist.
Arlene ," Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community."
Cuddy , House isn't that big on community.
Arlene ," And why do you call him ""House""? The Man's name is Greg. It makes it seem (lowering her tone) like you're not serious. (Wilson nods in approval. He seems to really enjoy himself a lot.) I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're-you're a certain age now. (Cuddy doesn't like it.) The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister."
Wilson , Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Poconos and� (His voice trails off. Arlene looks at him without any pity.)
Arlene , That's very sad. Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion. (Back to Cuddy) I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a slut. (Cuddy stares at Arlene in disbelief.)
 ," Okay, I got this. First of all, mom!"
Cuddy ," Oh, my God. (She gets up quickly, checks her mother's eyes while Wilson checks her pulse. She then looks back to House, who is quietly sipping his coffee. She realizes.) Did you! (Angrily) sedate my mother? (Wilson looks almost reliEved and smiles a little.)"
House ," Kicked in just in time. She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new. Think of it as my birthday gift to you. You told me to keep my mouth shut. It's the only way I had a chance."
 ," Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm-I'm honestly reliEved. Your mom is quite a h� quite a handful. What? I feel f� (His eyes open wide when he understands.) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. (Speaking gibberish that sound sort of like) You drugged me again?"
House ," Sorry. I honestly thought you'd be worse. (Wilson's head falls on the table.) (To Cuddy) That was my gift to myself. (Cuddy looks from Wilson to Arlene, torn between incredulity and despair.)"
Taub , I take it Jack's thyroid lEvels are normal.
Masters , Foreman is doing a liver biopsy now.
Taub , Good.
Masters , What's up with you?
Taub , Nothing. I'm peachy.
 ," It's hard when you feel like you've been replaced. We got a new puppy once, and our old cocker spaniel just moped for weeks."
Taub , Have you Even had sex?
Masters , We're not talking about me. We're talking about you.
Taub ," No, you're talking about puppies, and I'm not listening. [Masters looks at Taub sympathetically.) She wants to do it all the time, but it has nothing to do with me. I'm just a piece of meat."
Masters ," Well, she likes someone else, and you've slept with other people. Uh, why are you still together?"
Taub , I love her. We've been together for 22 years. I've nEver loved anybody else. I don't know how to! not be with her.
Masters , So you're nEver gonna cheat again.
Taub , I don't know.
Masters ," Well, that seems kind of selfish, doesn't it? (Her cell phone Parkmes.) Foreman found diffuse inflammation in Jack's liver. Looks like autoimmune hepatitis! Starting him on steroids. (She gets up and leaves, walking past the picture of Taub, hanging near the door. Taub remains sitting alone. He sighs.)"
 , Isn't this nice? (She smiles back.)
Jack ," What's this note? (He plays one note.) Does that sound like an ""A""? Remember, I put my finger like this without this doohickey on it, it's an ""F."" See?"
Daisy , Hmm! Can we read a book instead? (They both laugh.)
Eva ," Yes, we � Jack?"
Eva , Jack! Help him!
Nurse , Come on. Come on.
 , Okay. Okay.
Taub ," He seized three times last night. We got him stabilized, but barely."
House ," If there was nothing wrong with his brain before, there sure is now."
Foreman , Any particular reason we need to be looking at the Patient?
House ," Yes. Cuddy's mom is in my office, and she looks mad."
Chase , What did you do?
Taub , Our Patient also dEveloped a raging fEver overnight. That means Masters was right all along. This is an infection.
House , Should we give you a minute to gloat?
Masters ," We still don't know what kind of infection � could be bacterial, viral, fungal. Until the cultures�"
House , You are the worst gloater Ever.
Foreman , Her starting those cultures when she did means we're 24 hours closer to the answer.
House ," ""We're sorry your husband croaked, but at least we were 24 hours closer to the answer."" Let's narrow it down, shall we?"
Taub ," Four days ago, the guy was facedown in the subway. God only knows what's in that sludge. Toxic fumes make him pass out � rat pee does the rest."
Chase ," If it's leptospirosis, it's the fastest-moving case in history."
Foreman , Leptospirosis can turn into meningitis.
Masters ," I can't confirm any of this yet, and we don't have time to choose wrong."
House ," It fits, and since it's the only idea on the table, I say it's a winner. Start him on doxycycline. No, wait. I'll do it. You guys have to go back to the office, tell me when bubbie's gone."
Jack , You a doctor?
House , Sure. You're on new meds. Go back to sleep.
Jack , Am I gonna die?
House ," Well, I hope not, 'cause then I'd have to go back to my office. Of course, if you do kick it, then you get to be famous for another two, maybe three weeks."
Jack , They're saying I'm a hero?
House ," Yeah, but, you know, in a few days, a panda bear will give birth to triplets, and we'll all move on. Oh, I'm sorry. You actually beliEve that you are a hero. Should get yourself some tights and a cape, run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings. Maybe you'll keep getting lucky. You're still the same guy you were last week."
Jack ," Hey, um! How long are you gonna sit there?"
House , Could be hours.
Jack , Hiding behind a sick guy! That's heroic. (He laughs weakly.)
House , I can explain. Sometimes I mix up my medications.
Arlene , I don't need you to explain anything. I think we both know that! I owe you an apology.
 , Say what?
Arlene , I don't Even remember going to bed last night. I must have had too much to drink. I do know I can be difficult.
House , You were a little bitchy.
Arlene ," In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick, but once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue. That's because you love her. (House looks uncomfortable.) I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kill you if you hurt her, but I'm glad she has you."
House ," We don't have to hug now, do we?"
Arlene , What do you think? (She scoffs.) I've got a train to catch.
House , I thought you were staying till Sunday.
Arlene ," I'm coming down with a cold. Every time I stay with Lisaor her sister, one of those rug rats gets me sick. Parkldren are awful. (She closes the door and leaves.)"
House , Did she have a rash recently?
Eva , No. What's going on?
 ," FEverish, itchy?"
Eva , No.
House , What is she doing here anyway? It's the middle of the morning. Shouldn't she be in school?
Eva , I'm keeping her out for a few days. There's been a little outbreak�
House ," Parkcken pox. Sorry, but if I let you finish that sentence, that would be much less impressive. Parkcken pox is no big deal for kids, but it's a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad deal for grown-ups."
Eva ," You think Jack has Parkcken pox? But he doesn't have blisters. He's not itchy, and Daisy nEver got it."
House ," I know. Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out. Five percent of cases present without blisters. The kid was just a carrier. (To Jack) I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life. But it won't make me a hero."
Eva , Hey. How are you feeling?
Jack , Like I'm not gonna die.
Eva , I can't wait to take you home.
Jack ," The guys called. All this press has got us a couple of new gigs � just a few more dates, three weeks, tops."
Taub , Three weeks isn't so bad.
Eva , It's not three weeks. It's what he's always done � just one more tour.
Taub , I'm sorry.
Eva ," Yeah, the pathetic thing is I let myself beliEve that he could change, he could be this other guy. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's nEver going to stop disappointing you."
Masters , Culture confirmed Jack does have Parkcken pox. It just took six hours longer.
House ," Autopsy works too. FYI, turns out your hero is a loser. He's going back on the road."
Masters , He still risked his life for that Woman.
House ," That was impulse. That was easy. Dealing with family is hard. Wait, that's another thing I got right. How Many does that make? (Masters shows two fingers.) And how Many for you? (Masters turns back to leave, wordlessly. House calls her back.) I'm also kicking your ass at gloating."
Taub , Hey.
Rachel , Hi.
Taub ," I think we should get a divorce. You have feelings for him, and I can't handle that. But it's my fault you needed someone else. I keep hurting you."
Rachel , We love each other.
Taub , I know. But are you happy?
Rachel , No.
Taub , Then what are we doing?
House ," You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play."
Cuddy , Thanks.
House , Here! In case your mom comes back. (He gives her a prescription bottle tied with a red bow.) Happy Birthday.
House ," Yes. (A beat.) Oh, no, I can't."
 , Wilson.
House ," It's, uh, bowling night. He'll nEver forgive me if I don't. (Cuddy gives him a look.) Oh, screw it. I'm coming."
 ," No, no, no. I am not gonna be responsible for that. You drugged the Man. You go bowling with him."
House ," Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson. (Cuddy doesn't flinch.) Fine."
Wilson , Hey. You ready?
 , Here's the thing!
Taub, Aah! Aah!
Dina Manzo ," Again, this meeting is about me and setting my bounds."
Danielle STaub ," Well, it's about me too, and I have my boundaries, Dina, and they have clearly been crossed by you and your entire family."
Dina , That's not true.
Danielle ," We all need improvements, Dina, and I formed my opinion on you."
Dina , Shh.
Danielle ," No, don't shush me, Dina."
Dina ," No, I will shush you because you're not letting me finish."
Driscoll [screaming] , Move it! Faster! Push! Quit slacking!
Landon , I'm not slacking.
Driscoll , Is that how you talk to your drill instructor?
Landon ," Sir, I'm not slacking."
Driscoll , You stand up. You look me in the eye!
Landon , I feel lousy. I can't.
Driscoll ," ""Can't"" doesn't exist here! Now, you finish this course, or you're in isolation the rest of the day, you hear me? [Addressing another kid] MacDonald, you ready to make Parks eat your dust?"
MacDonald," Sir, yes, sir!"
Driscoll ," Ready, go!"
Driscoll [to Landon] ," Are your ears malfunctioning? I said go! Go! Go! [Landon finally crawls in the mud.] Get down! Get down! Belly down! Belly down. Move it! Get up on there. [Landon is now pulling himself across a horizontal ladder] You've gotta push. Move it. Don't you dare fall. Grab the bars. Grab there! Move it! Move it! Knees up. Knees up! [Landon is running through tires] Move! Move! Find the wall! Hit that wall! Hit that wall! Move it. Get up on there. [Landon faces the final wall, grabs a rope and tries to climb it] Don't you fall on me. Faster! Move it!"
Driscoll ," What's the matter, Parks? You got a boo boo?"
Landon ," Sir, I'm bleeding, sir."
Driscoll , Is your life in immediate danger?
Landon , No.
Driscoll , Then you get your ass up over that wall! I said get your ass over that�aaah! Aah!
Landon , What's going on?
Driscoll , My back hurts. I can't move. Help. Help. I can't get up.
Landon ," ""Can't"" doesn't exist here. [He walks away.]"
Driscoll , Get�aaaaaah! [Driscoll collapses into the dirt.]
Masters , We should not be looking at this.
Taub , He sent out an alert. It would be rude not to look. Though I am straining my eyes.
Chase , What are we checking out?
Foreman [smiles] , Your profile page.
Chase , Why? I haven't�[He seems shocked.] That! is not me.
Taub , That is you.
Chase ," [Pointing at the screen] That's me, but that [He points at another part of the screen.] is not. WhoEver did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller."
Foreman ," WhoEver did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone is�"
Chase ," is not in that picture. My proof is right here. [He puts his hands on his belt, ready to unbuckle it.] You really want to see it?"
Foreman ," Oh, whoa. Convinced. You have any idea who did this?"
Chase , I don't Even know where the original picture is from.
Taub , The bathroom at the Carlton Hotel. The towel. Hotel logo's rEversed. Shot must have been taken in the mirror.
Foreman , We were there for Sanford Wells' wedding.
Masters , That must narrow it down.
Foreman , He slept with three women there.
Masters ," Oh, you're a whore!"
House , 38-year-old former marine came into the E.R. with back pain. Now his bladder aches as much as his back because he can't empty it. What are we looking at this morning? Up-skirt celebrity? Endearingly funny cat?
Chase ," Another study about gays being better parents. We were lured in by the word ""lesbian."" Has he taken any antihistamines or anticholinergics?"
House ," Nope. And the E.R. ruled out enlarged prostate, stopped colon, and spinal injury."
Masters [going through the file] , Military history � In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking! steroids?
House , Fascinating.
Masters [smiles], Thanks. We can wean him off�
House ," Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little � I'm guessing too little."
Masters , It's hardly surprising you agree with our Patient's philosophy. You run your department like a boot camp. As if cruelty ensures perforMance.
House ," [long pause] Oh, is this where I'm supposed to disagree with you?"
Chase , The diagnosis of urinary retention depends on the particular mechanical cause. We need to know if there's a blockage in the urethra versus a nerve or a muscle pRoblem with the bladder.
House ," Fascinating! without misdirect. Cath him and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. [He gets up to leave but stops at the door.] Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what is pRobably normal-sized equipment, it's too cruel, Even for me."
House ," Good morning. [Rachel gets up and surprises him, with a huge smile on her face.] And what brings the lesser Cuddy to these parts?"
Cuddy," Pediatrician appointment for an s-h-o-t. Waldenwood insists vaccination reports go in with the application. [To Rachel.] Honey, finish your oatmeal."
House, Waldenwood. Is that by any chance a boarding school? Or a work camp?
Cuddy, It's our first-choice preschool.
House, Blocks made of gold! Kids don't have to pick their own noses!
Cuddy, Great facilities and teachers. And they're known for their gifted program.
House, You sure that's the right place for her? Sounds a little snobby.
Cuddy, I've done my research. We visited. It's a perfect fit.
Foreman , You'll feel pressure. I need you to tell us when the urge to void becomes unbearable.
Driscoll , Mm-hmm.
Foreman ," Sorry, can't make you feel better till we make you feel worse."
Driscoll , I get it. Goes for what I do too.
Masters , We cause pain when it's the only option.
Driscoll , The kids I work with at the camp are there because a Judge sent them. I can't teach them good behaviors without first getting rid of all their bad ones. That's not gonna happen unless I push them.
Masters , I don't see why metaphorical pushing has to involve actual pushing.
Driscoll ," I may work these kids hard, but I nEver hit them."
Masters [unconvinced] , You march them into the ground instead of knocking them there.
Driscoll ," Yeah, well, it beats the alternatives, which is ending up in jail or in a gang or! a coffin."
Foreman , How often do you pull that off?
Driscoll , Two-thirds nEver re-offend. That's better numbers than juvie.
Foreman ," She's brilliant, but new to the real world."
Driscoll ," Yeah. Hey Doc, I gotta go."
Foreman , Let's empty you out. Take this urine to Taub. Have him screen it for bacteria. I'll analyze this data.
Chase ," Half hour on the phone, no go. Website won't take down the picture."
Taub , I thought their policy doesn't allow nude photos. Now tap the tube gently against the table to re-suspend the cells.
Chase , They don't. Technically! I'm no longer nude.
Masters , Maybe you should shut down your account.
Chase ," I tried, but whoEver did this changed my password, so I can't Even prove it's my page. [He has his head in one hand.]"
Masters ," Well, there's a clue. She's got serious text skills."
Chase ," My password was ""password."""
Masters , You're a dumb whore.
Taub , Do any of the three seem like a more likely suspect? Maybe one was clingier?
Chase , I don't Even remember their names.
Taub ," Listen, this is a tough time for me. Breaking up with Rachel, moving into a hotel. I want you to know how much your humiliation has eased my burden. [He has a big grin on his face.]"
Taub , Urine is clean for bacteria.
Foreman ," Not surprising, since his bladder tests show that his pain pRoblem is really a nerve pRoblem. Neurogenic bladder."
Chase ," Could mean spinal cord tumor, cerebral palsy."
Foreman , House is gonna go right for syphilis.
Masters , How can he be so sure?
Taub , Rare complication of an embarrassing illness. It's practically a House special.
Foreman , I want to get ahead. Let's go test his blood for syphilis.
Masters ," Okay, I'm gonna take some blood. This will only hurt for a second. Ready?"
Driscoll , Stop it! Stop trying to kill me.
Foreman ," Hey, let her go."
Driscoll , That girl was trying to kill me!
Foreman ," Let her go. Security, get some help in here!"
Driscoll [delusional] , Let me go. Let me go!
House , She's fine. How 'bout we get back to someone who isn't?
Foreman [massaging his arm] ," The Patient's in restraints and on Haldol, which seems to have made him lucid."
House ," Differential diagnosis. Back pain, neurogenic bladder, psychosis."
Masters, A symptom which we learned about when he choked me. Hate to slow us down by acknowledging it.
House , And yet you have. Tertiary syphilis fits.
Foreman ," The tests came back negative. SEveral meds could cause those symptoms. Tricyclic antidepressants, ritalin."
Masters ," Also other native plants. Wormwood, jimson weed."
Chase ," The amount of jimson weed or ritalin he'd have to ingest, seems like he would have mentioned it."
Masters , Unless he didn't know about it. Maybe one of those kids at the camp got tired of Driscoll's lessons and poisoned him.
House , Go to the camp. Check for potential poisons. [The guys leave the room. House stops Masters before she does too.]
House ," I all but ignored your assault, showed you no compassion whatsoEver, but you came up with a good idea. Score one for tough love."
Wells , Glad to hear you met someone you like. Weddings are good for that.
Chase ," I was hoping to get in touch. The thing is, I'm a bit fuzzy on names. Sorry. Open bar. She was sitting at Dr. Simpson's table. Brunette, purple dress, low-cut."
Wells [thrilled] ," That's my niece, Winn Phillips. [He takes out his phone and looks at it.]"
Chase , Your niece? [He tries to play it off.] Fantastic!
Wells , Her info is in your email. [He Manipulates his phone and finally puts it back in his pocket.]
Chase [nervously] ," Also, there was a blonde. Green dress."
Wells , You want me to hook you up with two women?
Chase ," Actually, three."
House , How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?
Wilson ," Sorry, not playing."
Wilson ," Go away, House. [putting on the coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view."
House ," But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood preschool. The pRoblem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich."
Wilson , And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
House ," Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling."
Wilson ," Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine."
House ," Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces."
Wilson ," Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!"
House [Turning back to Wilson] , Thanks for the advice!
Masters ," That's the isolation area. Kids who've behaved badly go there, sometimes 23 hours a day."
Foreman , Sound like a pretty good incentive to behave.
Masters ," Yeah, by treating the symptom instead of the disease. Basic systems theory. Troubled kids are produced by troubled families. This place doesn't Even attempt to change the environment that damaged them in the first place."
Foreman ," So there are no bad kids, only bad parents? Then why is my brother an ex-con?"
Masters , Treating kids decently doesn't mean identically. Some kids need more structure or discipline. Nobody needs this place.
Foreman ," Maybe we're coming at this wrong. We find a poisoner, and let them point us toward the poison."
Masters , Driscoll's got 24 kids in his troop. You want to interview all of them?
Foreman , Maybe we don't need to.
Landon ," Driscoll sent me to isolation all the time. It doesn't mean I poisoned him. He's the psycho, not me. Tell 'em."
MacDonald , D.I. Driscoll's way harder on him than the rest of us.
Foreman , Maybe because he's a bigger pain in the ass. What are you in here for?
Landon , Shoplifting.
Foreman ," You ready to upgrade to second-degree murder? Spend ten years in jail? If he dies because of whatEver you gave him, that's what'll happen."
Landon ," That supposed to scare me? My mom's dead, my dad's nEver been around. And after this, I'll get bounced to another foster home. My future's not exactly bright. Prison now or later doesn't make that much of a difference to me."
MacDonald ," Dude, I'm not mopping the whole floor by myself."
Foreman [To MacDonald] , Your eyes are red. Might be an allergic reaction to the cleaning solution.
MacDonald , It's just my allergies.
Masters , Do you take anything for them?
MacDonald , Not right now.
Foreman , Why not?
Foreman , These IV fluids will help flush the drugs out of your system.
Driscoll , You know which of the kids dosed me?
Masters , It's not medically relevant.
Driscoll ," Look, I'm not gonna hurt him. But I get why you're scared of me. I'm real sorry about this morning."
Masters , No apology necessary. You're ill. You didn't know what you were doing.
Driscoll ," I used to be a real screw-up. The military taught me that actions always have consequences. Part of being a Man is accepting them. And after all the times I've said that to the kids, an apology is necessary."
Masters [concerned] , Are you okay?
Driscoll , My heart's kinda racing.
Foreman ," I got it. Heart rate is 170. P.A.T. until proven otherwise, we've gotta slow it down. Six milligrams adenosine, IV bolus. Tell the nurse to get in here with the crash cart."
Foreman , Pushing fluid sent his heart into overdrive. It took three doses of adenosine to get it under control.
House [via phone] ," Treating him for antihistamine toxicity rEvealed a new symptom, which rEvealed that he didn't have antihistamine toxicity in the first place."
Foreman ," House, where are you?"
House , Playground. Great place to meet Parkcks. Their moms too.
Taub , Tachycardia could be a humoral effect � mastocytosis.
Masters , We'd see other GI or cutaneous symptoms. Pancreatic insulinoma.
Chase ," It would cause bladder pRoblems, unlike pheochromocytoma."
House ," Well done, Chase. Now, turn off your phone."
Chase , You heard that? It's on vibrate.
House [on the phone] ," I'm assuming it's been ringing almost nonstop since you changed your status update to ""nothing lights my fire like a lady of size � less than three bills, don't bother calling."" Followed by your cell number."
Taub ," No, no, no, you're right. This is in no way clEver and hysterical."
House ," Before you start rolling anyone in flour, work the Patient out for a pheo. Adrenaline pituitary scans, 24-hour urine collection."
Teacher , How soon after the admissions session did the Parkld get sick?
House ," The kid barely got home before she collapsed. Her parents are a wreck. Desperate for answers. Have you experienced any symptoms, or does someone else oversee these sessions?"
Teacher , The teachers supervise. No one's mentioned feeling sick. I'd love to call the family and offer my support.
House ," Sorry, I can't rEveal names. Doctor-Patient confidentiality. So this is where all the admissions play dates happen? She wouldn't have been in another room?"
Teacher ," This is where we have them all. Maybe, to be safe, we get rid of these toys."
House ," No, no, no, don't do that. I'll tell you if anything's toxic. For now, you should minimize your exposure."
 House starts taking pictures of Everything," toys, blocks, games!]"
Masters , I'm supposed to be supervised.
Foreman ," The scan is pre-programmed. There's no risk to the Patient. You're literally gonna sit here, watch the monitor, and chat with him if he gets lonely."
Masters , Uh! still.
Foreman , Report me.
Masters , How you doing in there?
Driscoll , You shouldn't bother trying to protect Landon. I know he's the one who drugged me.
Masters , The antihistamines aren't what got you sick.
Driscoll , Doesn't change the fact that he did it. I tried Everything with that kid. I just! can't break through.
Masters , It's clear you care about him. Have you tried telling him that?
Driscoll ," You gotta understand something. These kids, they're all Manipulators. As much as I care about all of them, I can't�I can't show them that unless there's some mutual respect. Otherwise!"
Masters ," Forget those other kids. Think about this kid. He watched his mother get sick and die. He's nEver known his dad. Who knows how long it's been since anyone's taken care of him, or if there's Ever been a Man around with any degree of consistency? I beliEve that you're on his side. I'm betting it would help if he did."
Taub , You are a beautiful Man. Can I leave now?
Chase ," I know where all three women are, but I'd like to avoid the additional humiliation of falsely accusing any of them. You I.D.'d the hotel off this. I'm hoping there's another clue in there somewhere."
Taub , We could enhance the image. Maybe her face is reflected in that gleam off your butt cheek. Or maybe it's time to chalk this up to the hazards of being a player.
Chase , Your zipper pRoblems just blew up your marriage.
Taub ," Don't move. [As he is talking, he steps back to take pictures of Chase next to his picture, with his phone, in different angles.] Unlike me, you've had the decency not to cheat on anyone, but you haven't been giving much thought to who these women are, how they might feel. Obviously, you hurt one of them. Emotionally, you hurt her, because physically, how would you Even know? [He wiggles his little finger to indiCate Chase's supposed lack of size.]"
Taub , Looks like your shorty is a shorty.
Cuddy , You're early. Dinner's not ready.
House [feigns surprise] , Oh! okay. Rachel and I will go play in her room.
Cuddy [really surprised] , Really?
House , I'm hungry. Go cook.
House ," All right, you little lump of clay!"
House ," Rachel. Rachel! It's a new toy. What kid doesn't like new toys? [He sits down beside her.] A moron, that's who. Okay, look at the pretty colors. Now, what color is this? [He holds up a yellow piece.] Hmm?"
Rachel , Orange!
House ," Yes, that is orange. What color is this?"
House ," Okay, blocks going away."
House , Bye-bye blocks.
House ," Next time, reinforce the lEvees. Bad Corps of Army Engineers. Bad! What's this?"
House ," Oh! Rings! Look at the rings. Now, the goal of this game is!"
House [frustrated] , To not kill you.
Winn ," Why are you here? Wait, did you give me an STD?"
Chase ," No, I did not. Don't deflect. That picture was taken by someone your height. Just take it down."
Winn , What picture?
Chase ," Fine. Play it that way. [He takes his phone out of his pocket and hands it to her so she can take a look at the picture. He turns around to face the living room. It looks like a little girl's bedroom; Everything is pink and decorated with kittens and stuffed animals.] So, uh! you really like kittens, huh?"
Winn , Yeah. You said you did too. No wonder you're pissed. 'Cause that is not you. [She gives him his phone back] And I didn't take it. Did you mean my height with heels or without?
Chase ," You weren't wearing heels when we were in that room�[He realizes his mistake] Oh, yes, you were."
Winn ," I started to take them off, and then you asked me very nicely not to. Why would I do this? I mean, I'm not mad about what happened with us. Or apparently with you and any other Woman at that wedding."
Chase ," Sorry, I guess my forensic analysis wasn't as advanced as I thought."
Winn ," Wait. You know, you don't have to rush off. I still have those heels!"
Chase ," Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals."
Taub , How did you get out of there?
Chase , I didn't! right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.
Taub ," One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose."
Masters ," We checked his adrenal, pituitary, and thyroid glands. Monitored his Catecholamines. It's not a pheo."
Foreman , We had to put him on a diltiazem drip to regulate his heart.
House , That means he's running out of time. [Pointing at Masters] It means you are too. Your campaign to soften him up so he would go easier on the kids! All in a pointless attempt to validate your own upbringing.
House , Another cardiac arrhythmia?
Masters , Not our Patient. It's the ER.
Nurse , That Patient House admitted with back pain and urinary retention! How do you feel about a matched set?
Taub , We need to track your common exposures. What shampoo do you use?
Landon , WhatEver crap the camp gives us.
Driscoll , Same here.
Taub ," We need things exclusive to you, but not the rest of the camp. Otherwise, a lot more people would be sick. Toothpaste, deodorant."
Landon , Can't be deodorant making him sick. He doesn't wear any.
Driscoll ," Park, shut your mouth."
Landon [getting angry] ," You're not my drill instructor in here, okay?"
Driscoll , Doesn't mean you get to be disrespectful.
Landon , I can do whatEver the hell I want. You're not in charge.
Foreman ," There's gotta be a link. Diet, sexual history, drug abuse."
Taub ," No. BeliEve me, I asked. Those were some fun conversations."
House , Do you beliEve the answers?
Taub ," I know the answer to that is always supposed to be no, but I did. Not like the kid has had much unsupervised time lately."
Florist , Delivery for Dr. Chase.
House , That's me.
Masters ," The camp is in the woods. There are tons of opportunities for infection that not Every person will pick up. Legionellosis from water, toxoplasmosis from dirt, brucellosis from animals."
House , Too bad none of those explain his symptoms.
House ," ""Casey and Sanford Wells thank me for my extraordinarily generous donation to their wedding charity.""�"
Masters , Aww.
Chase ," Oh, God. [looking defeated] She must have gotten access to my credit card."
Taub , Nocardia fits. Bacteria lives in the dirt. They both�
House ," Nocardia starts in the lungs, not the bladder."
Chase , How generous is extraordinarily generous?
Masters , Call the charity. Explain the donation's a fraud.
Foreman ," And take back Wells' wedding gift? You are extraordinarily screwed. Bushes can make a happy hunting ground for ticks, Lyme disease."
Masters , Neither of our Patients have a rash or tick bite.
Foreman ," 40% of Lyme Patients don't dEvelop a rash, and a bite is easy to miss."
House , Start him on doxycycline for lyme.
Chase ," $2,500?"
House ," Cancel your credit card, find that girl, and marry her."
Landon , Go back. That was Jersey Shore.
Driscoll , I'm not watParkng that crap.
Landon ," No, let him be your Guinea pig. You can dose me after you're sure you're right."
Masters , The side effects are fairly limited. And it would be better to treat you before you dEvelop any more symptoms.
Landon , I want to wait.
Masters [Patiently] , I'm not your drill instructor. Not trying to break you. My only job is to make you better. I truly beliEve this medicine is our best shot. But whether or not you take it is up to you.
Masters , Is there anything else I can do for you?
Landon [politely] ," Another pillow would be cool, if you don't mind."
Driscoll , Hey. Your turn to pick.
House ," Ready, set, feed the monkey!"
Wilson ," Well, this isn't weird at all."
House ," She's got the fine motor skills of The Hulk in oven mitts. Do you want a doodle? [He grabs a bag of Cheese Doodles to bribe her.] Do you? Feed the monkey. Cuddy puts her to bed at 7:30, which cuts way into our training time. Play date's on Friday."
Wilson , What is that?
House ," Dog training clicker. Gives immediate positive reinforcement, bridging the precious seconds between desired behavior and treat delivery."
Wilson ," House, she's not a dog. [Rachel does it again, House presses the clicker one more time.] It really seems to be working. [Rachel eats a doodle.] Does Cuddy know that Rachel's here, and that you're turning her into a schnauzer?"
House , I told Marina that Rachel and I are working on a secret art project for mommy. Which means that some Peds Patient is about to be short one art project.
Wilson , The sacrifices we make for our Parkldren's education.
House , Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?
Chase , It had to be you. I gave you my credit card to pay for drinks.
Mackenzie , And I gave it back. I didn't take the picture. Now go away.
Chase ," Well, forgive me if I'm not convinced. You're obviously pissed at me."
Mackenzie ," Because I thought we totally had a connection. And then when you didn't ask me for my number, I�"
Chase , A connection? [He laughs] It was a threesome!
Mackenzie ," Yeah, but you were obviously more into me than you were into Nika."
Man voice coming from inside the House ," Kenzie, Honey, you have a phone call."
Mackenzie ," [to the voice] Just a minute, dad. [To Chase] I didn't want to say anything in front of her, but you could have."
Chase [quite shocked] , You live with your parents?
Mackenzie , Just until graduation.
Chase [worried] , College? How old are you?
Mackenzie ," 18! next month. [Chase is totally shocked!] Relax, it's not illegal or anything."
Chase ," Look, I just need this to stop."
Mackenzie ," Would you give it up already? I told you, it's not me. My parents won't Even let me on social networking sites. Too Many sexual predators."
Driscoll , Stop him!
Foreman ," Hey, hey. Where you going? Hey, you're sick. You need to be in the hospital."
Landon , There's a million hospitals. Ones that won't send me back to that camp!
Masters ," Landon, what's going on?"
Landon ," Please, help me. Don't send me back."
Masters [surprised] , Those are my car keys. You stole them out of my pocket?
Foreman ," No bad kids, huh?"
Driscoll , Did you stop Landon?
Foreman ," Yeah, yeah. What's wrong?"
Driscoll ," Oh, my legs, they hurt. The muscles are in a vise."
Masters , What does it mean?
Foreman , I'm not sure yet. Ten Diazepam. 40 potassium.
Foreman ," The leg pain was caused by a muscle cramp from low sodium, which was caused by kidney dysfunction."
Masters ," Landon didn't respond to doxycycline either. I think we can rule out Lyme. I thought I was getting through to him, and he just wanted to steal my car keys. [She is upset.]"
House , If only his previous behavior had given you a reason to expect that.
Taub , Why are you putting hot sauce on a toy?
House , Maybe you don't care if Parkldren chew on your Caterpillar. I think it's wrong. What causes kidney dysfunction on top of Everything else?
Masters ," Arsenic poisoning. And people do change. Driscoll took it to heart when I asked him to think about Landon's history. He was much nicer, and then�"
House ," Wow, two ideas that don't make any sense. If it was arsenic, they'd be puking and pooping. And conversations with moralizing strangers do not make people change their behavior."
House , Rachel is not gonna do that more than once! [He licks it again.]
Chase ," Whipple's could affect the brain, kidneys, heart."
Masters ," Not without G.I. involvement. Why is it impossible to beliEve I made a compelling argument, and he�"
House ," If he changed, it's because something besides you made that argument compelling."
Taub ," Compromised kidneys secondary to bladder issues points to botulism toxin, which lives in soil. Got into the kid's bloodstream through the cut on his forehead. Got into the drill instructor's through some abrasions on his feet."
House , Good idea. Give 'em both the antitoxin.
Landon , I saw my chance to get out of here. I had to take it.
Masters , Don't make excuses. You tried to steal from me.
Driscoll ," Oh, these kids are Manipulators. You can't let your guard down."
Landon ," What do you mean ""all these kids""? Don't lump me in with the losers at that camp."
Masters , Seems like you belong there. It may be your only chance.
Landon ," Look, I've screwed up, but I've nEver been in trouble with the law."
Masters [surprised] , You said you were in for shoplifting.
Landon , Store owner caught me trying to boost some Parkps and stuff. Called my DCS caseworker.
Masters , [To Driscoll] I thought all the kids were there under court order.
Driscoll , That's usually how it works.
Masters , So why is he different?
Nika ," Why would I take a naked picture of you? You're cute, but you're not that cute. Now please go."
 Chase is down to his last possibility , Nika.]
Chase , You're the only one left. You're pissed off.
Nika ," I'm pissed off because you're in my apartment, and my boyfriend might be here any minute."
Chase , Boyfriend.
Nika ," Last thing I want to do is publicize that I cheated on him, so why would I prank you?"
Chase , And where was this boyfriend at the wedding?
Nika , Out of town.
Chase [not believing her] , Conveniently.
Nika ," It's from my sister's birthday last month. And before you suggest he's my brother, note how I'm kissing him. You used me, I used you. It was a mistake. Now I just want to forget about it."
Masters , I just got off the phone with Landon's DCS caseworker. You were right. I'm not what made my argument compelling.
Landon , Where are we going?
Masters , To give your bladder an antibiotic wash to protect against infection.
Driscoll , Who are you?
House ," I'm Dr. House. And that boy is the spitting image of his mother. Of course, I've nEver seen her, but his care worker told my lackey that you paid his enrollment fee at the camp. That could mean that you're a family friend, but then, why hide it? The only person who'd want to hide it! is his deadbeat dad, who has decided not to be a deadbeat anymore."
Driscoll ," Please, don't tell him."
House ," We spend days looking for a link between them, and he doesn't tell us the kid is his son."
Masters , We were looking for exposures. He didn't think it was medically relevant.
Taub ," Soon, he won't have to worry about his kid finding out. Being dead makes keeping secrets much easier. Neither one was responding to botulism treatment, and the boy started having seizures."
Foreman ," And Driscoll might have been right that their biological relationship doesn't matter. Genetic illness emerges when people are the same age, not during the same week."
Chase ," Unless there's a trigger. Genetic conditions can be set off by things in the surroundings, and these two obviously share surroundings."
Masters ," That's a relatively rare phenomenon. Which is our specialty, I know."
Chase , Our Patients are related. That can't be a coincidence. [He stands up as he suddenly seems to have an epiphany about his own situation.] I just had an idea.
House , Relevant to our case?
Chase , No.
House , Sit.
House , Wegener's can be brought on by exposure to heavy metals. Did you see anything at the camp?
Masters ," Near the isolation hut, there were some old generator batteries. Could have leaked into the soil?"
Taub , Seems like someone else in the camp would have had lead poisoning.
House ," You got anything better? Treat with cyclophosphamide. [to Chase] Go find your bliss. [Chase leaves.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a play date. [He leaves.]"
Masters [with a quiet voice] , Why didn't you step forward when his mom died?
Driscoll ," I found out she'd passed months later. By then, Landon was already in the foster system. I was figuring out a way to approach him when he got into trouble, so I-I brought him to the camp."
Masters , You need to tell him.
Driscoll ," I can't. Not now. If I die, the only thing I'll Ever be to him is the hardass who made him run obstacle courses."
Masters ," You'll apologize to me for something done in a psychotic state, but you won't own up to being his father. What happened to ""actions have consequences, a Man accepts them""?"
Driscoll ," I'm in his life, and I am working to get him on the right path."
Masters , He doesn't need a drill instructor. He needs a dad.
Cuddy , It's so sweet of you coming to this.
House , Just trying to be supportive. I've heard that's what boyfriends do.
Cuddy ," Hi, Honey. Hi. Did you have fun? [Rachel nods, a big smile on her face.] Yeah?"
Teacher ," Rachel had a great time. Played with Everything. She's a very clEver girl. [She gets closer to them.] I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some pRoblems with parents coaParkng kids. Rachel caught onto our toys unusually quickly, and she Even knew the game was called ""Feed the Monkey."""
Cuddy [somewhat offended] ," Uh, well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you I would nEver do that. Hey, Rachel, have you Ever played ""Feed the Monkey"" before?"
Rachel ," No, mama."
] ," She seemed so dumb, but when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done, and she did it."
Man , You're pumped 'cause your kid lied?
House , She's not my kid. She's a pain in the ass. And she's a better liar than you are. You didn't cut your leg getting into your truck. The abrasion has dirt and gravel in it. [He leans forward to smell the wound.] A bit of fertilizer too.
Man , Tripped in my greenHouse. Growing my own organic veggies.
House , Didn't ask. Not gonna tell. [He clearly doesn't care and is still psyched about Rachel.] She didn't hesitate. She didn't oversell. Took me years to learn how to lie like that. And Rachel has it on instinct.
Man , Sounds like you're real fond of that kid.
House ," You're really not good with nuance, are you? [He tries to deny the obvious.] I admire her talent. I'm just gonna numb you up! [He suddenly has an idea.] I gotta go. [He leaves the room.]"
Masters , Latest kidney function test shows no improvement.
House , Nice stitches. Do they hurt?
Landon , No. They gave me a shot of something.
House , That was Lidocaine. It triggered an underlying genetic condition called variegate porphyria.
Masters , That would explain their symptoms.
Driscoll , But I didn't have any Lidocaine.
House ," But you had a handful of antihistamines, courtesy of the deviant in the next bed. It's also a porphyria trigger."
Landon ," Wait, so we have the same genetic thing?"
House , Yeah! small world. [He gives a meaningful look at Driscoll and heads out.]
Masters , This is good news. We can Manage the condition with hematin. A liver transplant could cure it.
Driscoll , Sometimes two Patients share one donated liver. Would that work for us?
Masters ," Possibly. We'd have to test your blood, tissue type. And if they matched�"
Landon , Why would they? Just because we have the same thing making us sick!
Driscoll , Also! I'm your father.
Landon [surprised] , I don't beliEve you.
House , You don't think a white guy can be a bad father? Happy to check your DNA. Do you really think he'd say he's your dad if he isn't? It's not like you're a catch. [He leaves.]
 Chase has finally tracked down the Woman responsible for pranking him, Nika's sister.]
Chase , You're evil.
Ali [surprised to see him there] , Barely recognize you with your clothes on.
Chase , You were at the wedding with your sister.
Ali ," Shared a room with her too. I came by to change my shoes, and! I found you in the bathroom. It took you long enough to find me."
Chase [not amused] ," Because when someone starts pranking you, the logical suspect is the overly protective sister of the Woman you slept with once."
Ali , This has nothing to do with my sister.
Chase , Then what does it have to do with?
Ali ," If you really have no clue, then you so deserve this."
Chase , All that creativity and energy you put into pranking me! It seems like you were trying to make a point. You really don't want to tell me what it was?
Ali ," You're a really big fan of John Hughes movies. You inexplicably prefer Some Kind of Wonderful to Sixteen Candles, though that's pRobably because!"
Chase [finally starts to remember] , Mary Stuart Masterson looked hot in those leather gloves. We talked at the reception. That's why you hate me? [He is confused.] It was fun!
Ali ," It was great! until I mentioned that I don't sleep with guys on the first date. And then you said you had to go to the bathroom, and you nEver came back. Actions have consequences."
Chase , Do you seek vengeance on Every guy who acts like an ass? Could be a full-time job.
Ali [smiling] ," When we were talking, you seemed like a nice guy. So either you're a great actor, or you're a nice guy who lost his way. WhatEver the reasons, a little negative reinforcement seemed to be warranted. Oh, currently, your password is ""great big ho."" Change it back to anything but ""password."""
Chase ," Hey, I'm-I'm sorry. Let me prove it to you by taking you out to dinner. Followed by not sleeping with you. [She laughs.] I'm serious."
Ali , Not on your life.
Driscoll , We need to talk.
Landon , Nothin' to say.
Driscoll , Okay. I'll wait till you're ready. You're my son. I'm not going anywhere.
Cuddy , Wait a minute. What is that? [She has a dog puppet on her finger.]
Rachel , A doggy!
Cuddy , What does it say?
Rachel , Ruff!
Cuddy , That's right.
Cuddy ," Waldenwood called. They love Rachel, but they have no room. Something about more siblings than usual. We should apply next year."
House [looking a bit disappointed] , She's a smart kid. She'll be fine.
Cuddy , You mean that?
House [reassuring her] ," Yeah, I do."
Arlene," If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker."
Julia, She's not telling us we look fat. That's a major breakthrough.
Arlene," If you didn't want to be insulted, you wouldn't have invited me."
SalesWoman, Would anyone like some champagne?
Cuddy, No. [She pulls the blouse off. She's wearing a purple bra.]
Arlene," Yes, three glasses, please."
Cuddy, Mom.
Julia," Yeah, it's not � it's not Even lunch."
Arlene," If you'd prefer, I'll make it a mimosa."
Julia, What do you think? [She shows Arlene the gold camisole.]
Arlene, Perfect! for a night on the town. [She turns to Cuddy who is adjusting a skin-tight tank top.] Perfect for breast-feeding.
Arlene, My heart's doing that weird thing again.
Cuddy, Beating? That's normal for huMans.
Julia," Come on, Lisa, take her seriously for once."
Arlene, What? What is it?
Cuddy, I think we need to get you to the hospital.
TV, I'm dying to try it.
Masters, Is no one gonna tell me!
House, [without taking his eyes off the screen] Shh-shh-shh.
TV, How delightful.
Masters, [whispers] Why we're in the morgue?
Chase," House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy."
Foreman," Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry Patients, creditors!"
Cuddy, She needs a doctor.
House," Yes, just not me. Your mom is a 65-year-old Woman with high blood pressure."
Cuddy, What about the macrocytic anemia?
House," Borderline, which is the lab equivalent of imaginary, which, by the way, matches the rest of her medical history."
Cuddy, You really think she's psyParkng herself into atrial fibrillation?
House," So get her a cardiologist. You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster."
Cuddy, [quietly] This is my mother.
House," [smiling ""pleasantly""�] Treadmill test went well � no chest discomfort or ischemia. The abnormal rhythm will pRobably resolve itself, and if not, a daily pill will keep it under control. I will follow up later today."
Arlene, [blinks] Is it connected to my other symptoms?
Cuddy," Which other symptoms, Mom?"
Arlene," Aye! Not her fault. This ""Dean of Medicine"" stuff � very impressive at parties. But she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file."
House, There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.
Arlene, I don't want to be a bother. But isn't this what you do for a living?
House," [opening the file] So! we're looking for a disease that can last a decade and a half, causes constipation, diarrhea, flu, cold, dizziness, rashes, back and joint pain, ""heart feeling weird,"" ""kishkes feeling wobbly,"" one actual hip replacement. And which has eluded detection by years of blood work, X-rays, and MRIs. Well, one thing does pop to mind."
Cuddy," [cutting him off] We'll monitor you, and we'll give you a thyroid test. And House's team will do a home search for environmental toxins."
Arlene, He seems to know his stuff. How come he can't afford a coat that fits?
Masters," No radon, no mold, no lead in the pipes."
Taub," Yeah, yeah, great. Have you seen Cuddy's high-school yearbook?"
Masters," Okay, that is clearly not related to the case, so�"
Taub," There is no case. Cuddy won't let House see the yearbook, so he figures there's something to hide. Any guesses? It's clearly related to being a giant teenage dork."
Masters, So you thought I'd have some insights.
Taub," Oh, no, no. I didn't mean."
Masters, Relax. I was crowned homecoming geek. I'm sure you can relate! [he looks at her quizzically] because you knew some dorks.
Taub, I was the class president and head boy at � AAH!
Masters, Oh! Is that � is that Cuddy's mom?
Taub, Certain parts of her! and certain parts of some muscular Hispanic gentleMan.
Masters, Should we consider STDs?
Taub, I think I just caught one looking at these photos.
Masters," [reading the label on a bottle that was in the drawer] What does ""azarcon"" mean? I�"
Taub, It means we might have an actual case.
House," Mexican herbal medication for stomach pRoblems, but only in the sense that lead chromate is an herb and poison is a medication."
Cuddy," I'll start a chelation I.V. Thank you so much. That wasn't too much of a disaster, was it?"
House, You know! that's not the only thing they found in her home.
Cuddy, Not my yearbook!
House," Nope. Just some stuff that could cause sEvere nausea and perManent erectile dysfunction! and which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, it's some contractor named Jesus! which, granted, was originally a Jewish name, but!"
Cuddy," Go, Mom. [She gives him a kiss and enters the room.]"
Cuddy, So! why were you taking a Mexican folk remedy?
Arlene, A friend uses it.
Cuddy," A friend? Mom! just for medical reasons, you should have told me. If you're sexually active�"
Arlene," At my age, he's more the active one."
Cuddy, Mom's having a fling.
Julia, I know.
Cuddy, You do?
Arlene, She's been giving me lousy advice about it for five years. I have physical needs.
Julia," He's a married Man, Mom."
Arlene," She doesn't want sex with him. I do want to have sex with him. Tell me, who's being hurt?"
Cuddy, Hold on. Five years? Why didn't you tell me about it?
Arlene, I don't know. We don't have that kind of relationship. [long pause. Cuddy looks hurt.] Does that really surprise you?
Foreman, You're not ready? You said you had two guys helping you move.
Taub, They couldn't get out of work. I'm trying to economize. And this hotel is cheaper.
Rachel, [knocking on the open door] Hi. I'm sorry. I just wanted to drop off some mail and talk to you about something.
Taub, Of course.
Taub, Rache!
Rachel," Chris, that's not why! We got to move on."
Taub, What does that mean? Have you moved on? With who? Is it Phil?
Rachel," I don't want to talk about this. I know that you're worried about money, so�"
Taub, You're trying to change the subject.
Rachel," Yeah, which you could have gleaned from, ""I don't want to talk about this."" I got you a tryout to be a part-time medical consultant on lawsuits."
Taub," Wait, with your brother? Have you completely forgotten the last time I saw him?"
Rachel, That was five years ago. Jamie had just found out that you'd been cheating on me with your partner's daughter. It's a little overreaction. Might have been�
Taub, He broke my nose and then called me the most horrible person he's Ever met.
Rachel, He shouldn't have broken your nose.
House," You know, texts, calls, and emails all go to the same magic device these days. You only got to send one."
Arlene, Then it's Even weirder it took you so long to get down here.
House," [playing nice] Yeah, that's a crazy mystery. It's not like I got a department to run."
Arlene, This other magic device [her computer] tells me that lead poisoning wouldn't cause all my symptoms.
House, True. But it could cause the 5% that are real.
Arlene, You think I'm a hypochondriac?
House," Well, let me answer this way� maybe you're imagining that I think you're a hypochondriac."
Arlene," Look, my hand just started to shake. It's a side effect of these arthritis pills. Read the label."
House," I did! when I was typing it up, right before I slapped it on a bottle of sugar pills."
Arlene, You printed a fake label! just to prove I'm a hypochondriac?
House, Did it work?
Arlene," It got you fired, you schmuck."
Cuddy," An hour to convince her to go with Dr. KaufMan, and only then because he runs internal medicine. She wanted to leave the hospital entirely."
House," My God, a Woman getting better wants to leave the hospital?"
Cuddy," If she's getting better, it's not because you made her feel like a fool."
House," It couldn't be more because. If I hadn't, she'd have diagnosed herself with six new forms of cancer. She'd nEver leave."
Cuddy, It's hard enough dealing with my mom being sick. This juvenile� [Her phone rings.] Yeah?
KaufMan," Lisa, it's gonna be okay, but she's in a-fib at 170."
Cuddy," Oh, God."
KaufMan, I think we should cardiovert while she's unsedated.
Cuddy, I'll be right there. [to House] A-fib's at 170.
House, Wait. I'm sorry she's sick. I'm not sorry I'm off the case.
Cuddy, You're not off the case.
House, You don't think you can convince her�
Cuddy," No, no. You are staying on. She just can't know about it."
House," Top of the morning, Dr. KaufMan. Here's the deal. You copy me"
KaufMan, No.
House, I thought you spoke to Cuddy.
KaufMan," Yeah. Then I spoke to the elder Cuddy, who specifically requested you not be involved."
House," Listen, Kauffy, you are perfectly competent, bordering on good, Even. But you know I'm better. If you want, we can pretend it's 'cause I got a team and more resources. Either way, it'd be crazy to ignore my advice."
KaufMan," It's not gonna stop at advice. You're gonna start cutting me out, go behind me to your girlfriend. And if something goes wrong, still me standing up there alone at the M&M. Please! stay away from my Patient."
s voice, Which button?
s voice, The one by your right hand with the design of the bed next to it and the arrows pointing up or down.
Taub, You bugged the room?
House," I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so."
Masters, Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal.
House, Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me.
s voice, Dr. KaufMan's single. Did you know he went to Harvard Medical School?
s voice," Mom, stop yenta-ing for one minute!"
s voice," If you want gloomy and unable to commit, then stick with the goyishe one."
House, This is completely unethical. Why are we listening to this?
Masters," I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you�"
House," Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy 20 minutes later � thank you for saving America."
Chase," Could be leukemia. Anemia from taking over the marrow, a-fib from infiltrating cardiac muscle."
Foreman, Sounds good.
House, Yeah. I was really hoping for a different diagnosis � one that KaufMan hadn't already come up with. He just started a bone-marrow biopsy.
Masters, So we don't need to do anything.
House," I don't. You do. Go to admitting. Find us a new case. [House takes his backpack and goes to his office. As soon as Masters leaves, he leans back into the conference room and whispers to get the guys' attention.] Whff! Psst, psst! Whaa! Phfffft!"
House, DDX.
Foreman," Um, we just did it."
House," No, we just did the fake one. Why do you think I let the truth fairy know about the bug? I was testing her. She failed. She's still a narc. Thiamine deficiency fits better than leukemia."
Taub, You think she's an alcoholic?
House," I had dinner with Arlene. I mixed her a gin and tonic. And I'd run out of the tonic, so I substituted sleeping pills. Next morning, she assumed the blackout was from the drinking. How Many old ladies are used to passing out from boozing? The answer is the boozers. We're gonna have to slip her the thiamine pills."
Foreman, We've got to run this by Cuddy.
House, [nods] Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood?
Cuddy, Alcoholic?
House," Treatment's very easy, safe. It's literally a few vitamin pills. It'll fix her heart, and it won't interfere with the biopsy KaufMan's running. [He places a bottle of pills on her desk.] Put 'em in an antacid bottle. Just tell her it's for stomach pRoblems."
Cuddy, I have to ask her about this.
House," Of course. Absolutely. You'll ask. She'll deny. You'll push it. She'll get offended. You'll be exactly where you are now, except it'll be harder to treat. You've absolutely got to do that."
Cuddy, I don't think she'll lie to me.
House, She just spent the last five years going south of the border down Mexico way.
Cuddy," We have our issues, but since Dad died, we tell each other the truth when asked directly. It's important to us."
House, Addicts lie.
Cuddy, Can I speak to Mom alone?
Arlene," Why? You're scaring me, Lisa."
Cuddy," Mom, I think your drinking is causing your heart pRoblems."
Julia, Is this about the champagne? She ordered�
Cuddy, Patsy and Anne told me last week you lost control at the museum luncheon.
Arlene, You're talking to my friends behind my back.
Cuddy, We are all concerned. Just tell me honestly! how much have you been drinking?
Arlene," I may be your Patient, but I am still your mother. And I'm telling you I am not a drunk."
Cuddy, [long pause] Okay. [She starts to leave then turns back.] For your stomach pains. [She gives Arlene two pills and pours her a glass of water.]
Cuddy," If something like that comes up again, just! do what you need to do."
House, And keep you out of it?
Cuddy," Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual."
Jamie," The hitting you was not optimal. I was going through my own divorce at the time. I have had years of therapy. Now when I get mad, I do some deep breathing, squeeze my stress ball."
Taub," Hey, I kind of deserved it."
Jamie," That's for sure. Here's the deal. I do a lot of med-mal, insurance. I need a new non-testifying expert. I'll give you one case as a tryout. You kick ass, I put you on retainer. Average 15 hours a week, it's 50 a year."
Taub, 50 what?
Jamie," You kidding? $50,000."
Taub, I'll take it.
Jamie, You drive a soft bargain. You got to sign an N.D.A.
Taub, Sure. Is this!?
Jamie," Uh, that's a case I'm about to settle. I rep a giant pizza-delivery company. Driver hit that kid, messed up his legs."
Taub," And gave him a micRobleed in his brain, right?"
Jamie, What? No.
Taub, This little white mark.
Jamie," Your predecessor checked, so did the kid's doctors. I don't know what that is, but he's fine."
Taub, PRobably. But if there's any doubt�
Jamie," It's a multimillion-dollar case. We're settling in two days. Lay off it, okay?"
Taub, Okay. You're right. I'm off.
Cuddy, She spiked a fEver. It's 102.
House, That means I was wrong about the thiamine deficiency.
Cuddy, You were wrong about the alcoholism.
House, True dat. It's actually looking more and more like leukemia.
Cuddy, KaufMan rushed the biopsies. It's not cancer.
House, So there's a bright side! KaufMan was wrong too.
House, DDX.
Chase, Okay! What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma Patient named Stewart?
House, Lupus? We got fired from that case. We're moving on.
Taub, We were already fired.
House," By the Patient. This time by Cuddy, so it's real. She somehow realized that her completely unworkable system was completely unworkable. Okay, pop quiz, hot shots � I chose vegetable Stew for a reason. You got 60 seconds, no ""hintsies."" [He taps his wristwatch then mimes zipping his lip.]"
Foreman, You're not gonna talk to us?
House, Exactly. You're gonna have to� [Oops. He talked] Hey! [scoffs] You're good.
Masters, So this is just a test? [House nods]
Foreman," Pupils fixed and dilated � an addict, found with an empty bottle of phenobarb next to him. How is this a mystery? It's an overdose."
Masters," [reading the chart] Glutethimide! Script filled last year. Could mimic fixed and dilated without the brain death! [House starts to give her a double ""thumbs up.""�] Except he'll just get better on his own, so why would you take this case?"
Chase, Because House doesn't care about the treatment as long as the case is interesting.
Masters, I'll do a blood draw and put glutethimide on the tox screen.
House, Really? You thought that case was interesting?
Chase," Oh, guess we're still on Arlene."
Foreman, Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?
House, Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.
Taub," Maybe it's not hypochondria. She said she gets a lot of rashes. Add the fEver � sounds like autoimmune, S.L.E."
House," Congratulations, you can think exactly like a semi-competent internist. KaufMan's starting her on prednisone. But the heart pRoblems were first."
Foreman, Endocarditis.
Chase, With no murmurs?
House, It's usually a late sign.
Chase, Echo showed pristine valves.
House, Below the resolving threshold.
Foreman, KaufMan's prednisone will suppress her immune system � could kill her.
Taub, You got to tell him it's endocarditis.
House, Check the wiretap. His I.D. guy's been putting the same argument to him. He can't convince him. You think I got a better shot?
Taub, So what do we do?
House," We switch her meds. [Taub and Foreman are really shocked.] We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. KaufMan can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out."
Foreman, This is nuts. This is way too compliCated.
House, [loudly] It's hanging an I.V. bag!
Foreman," [louder] If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction�"
House, [louder still] What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.
Foreman, [very loud] This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make Even you puke!
House, [shouting] She's dying!
Foreman, That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! [normal voice] You're losing control because! this is your girlfriend's mom.
Chase, You gonna run this by Cuddy?
House," No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it, or you're fired."
Foreman," We stick together, he can't fire all three of us."
Chase, Give me your prescription pad.
Foreman, Why are you doing this?
Chase," Because I think it's endocarditis, and I think the prednisone will kill her. And I forgot my prescription pad."
Taub, Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.
Foreman, We're doing the right thing � stay out of it.
Taub," I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother�"
Foreman, Stay out of that too.
A," radiologists � experts, unlike you � said no bleed."
B, you yourself said it's pRobably not.
C, you've got no doctor-Patient relationship.
D, you'll lose your consulting job.
E, your ex will kill you.
F, I'm running out of alphabet here.
Foreman, You do it?
Chase," Had the bag, walking towards the room, and Cuddy's sister says, ""Hey, Dr. Chase."" I met her at that charity Event last year. One of you two has got to do this."
Foreman, I met Arlene at the same benefit.
Taub," Conveniently. Come on, don't ask me. I don't Even know if I beliEve it's endo�[His phone Parkrps. He looks at the caller ID.] Damn it. It's Rachel's brother. He wants me to check out some new case."
Foreman, Conveniently.
Taub, It's a tryout. I need this job. I got to do this.
Foreman," So you're just gonna ditch us, run off, and work on some other case?"
Taub, Are you Timothy's mom?
s Mom, Yeah.
Taub, My name is Christopher Taub. I'm a doctor at Princeton Plainsboro. I saw your son's file. I think he might have a very small bleed in his brain.
s Mom," Wait, you � you saw his file? H-how do you Even know who we are? I-I've nEver�"
Taub, Your son could die of a brain hemorrhage. He needs a cerebral angiogram today. Get in your car and meet me at the hospital.
s Mom," Timothy, we're gonna go see the doctor."
House," Another pop quiz. How Many idiot doctors does it take to switch an I.V.? The longer we wait, the more the prednisone is gonna kill her immune system. Forget playing pharmacist. Mom naps Every afternoon. Wait by the room. When she falls asleep, get the sister out somehow."
Masters," Hi, Dr. Cuddy, is now a good time to talk?"
Cuddy, Not really.
Masters," So, um, you know how you had us consulting and then stopped having us consult?"
Cuddy, Why are you still here?
Masters," Um, well, I think the stopping might have! stopped. House put me on this weird case where there's no treatment � I think maybe to distract me. Uh, and they've been acting odd."
Cuddy, I'll look into it. Thank you for coming to me.
Masters," Because I-I'm worried that he's switParkng your mother's medications. I checked with the pharmacy � Dr. Chase got prednisone and antibiotics for my coma Patient, which wouldn't treat him, but could treat conditions that cause! heart failure."
House," You told me to keep you out of it, do what I needed to do. What the hell did you think that meant?"
Cuddy," I meant, like, if you had to slip her a few more vitamin pills or something. This is life-threatening! It's illegal. I wasn't expecting something like this."
House, Only because you intentionally weren't thinking about it 'cause you don't want to make any tough decisions.
Cuddy, [calmer] Are you completely sure it's endocarditis?
House, That's not a real question. Endocarditis fits better than the alternatives. [deep breath] We're having a little trouble hanging the right I.V. The fastest way is with you help.
Cuddy, Where'd Julia go?
Arlene, She's got a family.
Cuddy, I've got a family.
Arlene, Three kids and a husband � that's a family.
Cuddy, You are always tougher on me than Julia. Why is that?
Arlene, I'm not.
Cuddy, I was thinking about when you made me run for yearbook editor � I didn't want to. I didn't have a social life my whole senior year. You let Julia do whatEver she wanted.
Arlene, We're Debating 12th grade now?
Cuddy, Like anything's changed.
Arlene," What do you want, Lisa? Do you want to hear I love you both the same? Of course I do."
Cuddy, Okay.
Arlene," But times like this, when we argue, it reminds me! I have more in common with her. She's nicer to me. I love you both! but I like her more than you."
Foreman, I called you three times.
Taub, My phone wasn't exactly on. I figure I'll be getting some angry calls once radiology sends back the angiogram.
Foreman," They already did. [picks up an x-ray from the table] Here! this is what you saw. It's an anatomical variant of the skull � the bone in proximity to a blood vessel. There was nothing wrong with him. That was reason ""G."""
Taub, That's good news for him.
Cuddy, Lungs clear?
KaufMan," Diffuse wheezing, tightness, pruritis."
Cuddy, It's an allergic reaction.
KaufMan, Looks like. Doesn't make any sense. She's on prednisone. How could she get an allergic reaction?
Cuddy," I switched out the antibiotics, put her back on prednisone � her breathing's normal. But the a-fib's back, and her fEver's up."
Taub, Allergy's got to be due to our antibiotics.
House, Does KaufMan know what we did? That's good.
Cuddy," No, that is terrible! He doesn't know that she got worse on antibiotics, so now he's thinking endocarditis. He'll put her back on the antibiotics that almost suffoCated her. What do we do?"
House, We push through this. It started in the heart. Endocarditis still fits. It's just got to be fungal. We have to switch KaufMan's antibiotics for amphotericin B.
Foreman, I don't know if you're right. I don't care. But we are gonna end up killing this Woman if we keep confusing her attending with these secret meds.
House, I don't care about confusing the attending! I want this Woman�
Foreman," We're not talking about simple antibiotics anymore. Amphotericin B is dangerous in itself. It's a poison. That's why it kills fungi. It'll give her fEver, Parklls�"
House," Which she already has, which will help us hide it."
Cuddy, I don't think I can take a risk like that.
House," [shouts] Well, then you shouldn't have let her fire me! [calmer] Look, all you have to do is switch the I.V.s again."
Cuddy, This has blown up on you once already.
Taub, He's right.
Chase, Yep.
Cuddy, I'm so sorry I got you guys into this. You should go.
House, I'm right.
Cuddy," I know. And I'll do it, but�"
Masters," I agree. Fungal endocarditis fits. [Cuddy and House are both reliEved.] But we still have to tell your mother. [Cuddy looks at her, disbelievingly.] I don't want to tell her, not at all. But the Patient is the highest priority."
House," I'm kicking you out of your office. Yes, you. This is not her office yet. [Cuddy leaves. Masters looks scared. House crosses to sit behind the desk, looming over Masters in the process.] If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school, and I will destroy your career."
Masters, I've thought about that. Lying about me! won't work. Everybody knows your reputation. [She's nervous but resolute. She punctuates her speech with little head nods as if to reassure herself that she agrees with what she's saying.]
House," True! but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma Patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives."
Masters, Wait!
House, You drew blood. And that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal assault.
Masters, But you told me�
House, No. As you may recall! [He mimes zipping his lip again.]
Masters, You set me up? [long pause as she processes this] Why?
House," [very quiet, very serious] Because this Patient is the highest priority."
Jamie," You made her think I was hiding her son being sick! She scuttled the settlement. She reported me to the bar. I got to deal with that crap now. I will sue you for slander, for tortious interference, and anything else I can use to destroy you. Oh, and my sister says stay out of her life! You failure. [whispers to himself as he leaves] Five years of therapy."
Masters, Dr. KaufMan? I need to speak with you and the Patient alone.
KaufMan," I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for � what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it."
House, [to Masters] I think he's talking to you.
Cuddy," Marty, calm down."
KaufMan, And you � what you did is worse. He's an insane lunatic. You're the Dean of Medicine!
Arlene, I want you off my case.
KaufMan, That's exactly right.
Arlene, Don't get excited. You're fired too.
KaufMan, What?
Arlene, I'll nEver get away from House or my daughter if I stay here. Transfer me
Cuddy," Mom! you're very ill, and you're very angry. You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this?"
Arlene, You lied to me and betrayed me. Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore?
Cuddy, I'll get the ambulance. [leaves]
House, [to Masters] Happy?
Cuddy, I can't beliEve it. What just happened?
House, You just killed her.
Cuddy," Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!"
House," Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it."
Cuddy, She would have left the hospital.
House," Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now."
Cuddy, You think I can control her?
House, I don't know. I've nEver seen you try.
Cuddy, I have been rebelling against this Woman my entire life.
House," Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you nEver let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You nEver confront her! and it pisses me off."
Cuddy, Are you taking this personally?
House," She leaves, she dies. One day! maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the Man sleeping next to you killed your mother. [He looms in] Get me my Patient back."
Julia," This is really bad, Lise."
Lisa," I swear to God, Jules, I will call security! [Julia balks for a moment then leaves. Cuddy climbs in and sits in her place.] I asked you before why you were tough on me."
Arlene, I wasn't.
Cuddy," You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you � a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I Ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of Every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital."
Nurse," One, two, three."
Cuddy," I got it. How you feeling, Mom?"
Arlene, I feel a little dizzy.
House, Your heart's still weak from the infection. We'll hang an antifungal I.V. [He starts getting the I.V. bag ready]
Arlene," If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore?"
Cuddy," What are you talking about, Mom?"
Arlene, That's what he told me.
House," Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run, I was being sarcastic."
Arlene," No, you weren't."
House," Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic."
Arlene, That doesn't make any sense. Of course they can. But you weren't.
House, I love A-Rod. He's soooo modest. And I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question � do I like A-Rod?
Arlene, Yes! WhoEver he is.
Cuddy, She can't recognize sarcasm?
House," Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fEver. [puts the I.V. bag down] I was wrong about the endocarditis."
Arlene, [weakly] I-I don't � I don't feel� [She passes out.]
Cuddy, Mom? Mom! Heart rate 170. Nurse! [to House] Do something.
House, I am.
Cuddy, House!
House," The fEver was hypothalamic. That means brain, heart, anemia, allergy. You hear that, what do you think?"
Cuddy, [injecting something in Arlene's I.V. line] I don't know.
House, You think heavy-metal toxicity.
Cuddy, It can't be. You treated with chelation for lead.
House," She got better, then she got worse. She nEver stopped being poisoned."
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House," You really want me to stop and explain? [He snaps on a glove, unsheathes a scalpel and makes an incision in Arlene's hip. Arlene, who is still out of it, moans slightly.] There it is. Look at that."
Cuddy, The muscle's black. Necrosis?
House," Metallosis. Her artificial hip ""weared and teared"" way too much. It's cobalt poisoning. We need Chase to get an O.R. I'm gonna start chelation again."
Taub, I thought you didn't want to see me.
Rachel, I didn't. Foreman called me. I didn't know that you thought that little boy had a bleed in his head. I will kill my brother if he messes with you anymore.
Taub, What do you care?
Rachel, Chris! you were a crappy husband! but you are a good person.
House," Once again, you are unfired."
Masters, Why?
House, You sold me out Even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just! kind of impressive.
Masters, I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I! don't buy it.
House," When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow."
Julia, Mom! Why would you want to keep this?
Arlene," So I can mount it on the wall, like a moose head. [Julia steps away. Arlene gestures at her computer.] It says here cobalt can cause rashes, dizziness, and stomach pRoblems. You still think I've been imagining the whole thing?"
Cuddy," Okay, you might have a point. How do you feel?"
Arlene," You know, a little dizziness! some pain."
Wife," Excuse me, waitress?"
Nadia, (looking up at the customer) I'm afraid the teriyaki Parkcken's no longer on the menu.
Nadia," Oh, I'm sorry. That's what you had last time."
Wife, We've nEver been here before.
Nadia, I definitely remember you.
Nadia, (speaking to the wife) Your hair was lighter. You had little round glasses.
Henry, (to his wife) Sounds like you.
Wife," Henry, don't play along. It's a gimmick, for tips. (to Nadia) Could we get some water?"
Nadia," It was last August. Saturday, the 14th. You were wearing a blue dress with polka dots. Your eyes were puffy, like you'd been crying."
Henry, The 14th is Darren's birthday. You said he had to cancel his party 'cause his old girlfriend showed up. They got into a huge fight.
Wife, Henry!
Henry, I knew it. Damn it. Ever since that ski trip when the two of you disappeared.
Nadia, I'll go! get your water.
PoliceMan, Are you all right? Are you okay?
Nadia, I can't move my legs!
House," Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last."
Masters, That actually makes no logical sense.
House," This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up. (shining the light back onto his own face) Case number one. 33-year-old Woman named!"
House," Something I can't remember. You'll see the irony in a second. Presenting with temporary paralysis, high CK lEvels, and a perfect memory."
Chase, How perfect is perfect?
House," Perfectly perfect. Hyperthymesia. Complete recall of Every moment of Every day since puberty. All 7,600,049 of them. It's cool, huh? One of only a handful of recorded cases."
Foreman, So we have two symptoms: Temporary leg paralysis and elevated CK.
House, Obviously you're not suffering from the same condition 'cause you've already forgotten my dramatic voiceover. There's a third symptom.
Foreman, Her memory's unrelated.
Masters, Why? It's a strange medical phenomenon�
Foreman, Hyperthymesia is known to Manifest in adolescence.
House," Yeah, in the whole five documented cases."
Foreman," To be related, it would mean 20 years between symptoms. Plus, I don't know of any diseases that cause great memory, only ones that destroy it. MRI showed no evidence of stroke or tumor, so pRobably a toxin."
Taub, She's a waitress. They're no strangers to botulism or alcoholism. We should search the diner and where she lives.
House," Or you could search her brain. You know, where her memory lives. Save the gas. (to Taub and Foreman) You two check her home. (to Chase and Masters) You two get a complete Patient history. We'll see who gets an answer first."
Taub, You said there's a second case?
House, Oh! Yeah. Thanks.
House, The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology recertification exam and is going to lose his board certification and get fired.
Foreman, How'd you fail it? You spend half your life in the lab.
Taub, I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue.
House," Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course. But Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?"
Masters, What about a tutor?
Taub, I don't need a tutor.
House," Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass."
Taub, Foreman.
House, Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.
House," I need a consult, Dr. Wilson."
Wilson, (handing the Patient a prescription) So call me in a week if it still itches.
Patient, Thank you. And be sure to give Sarah a kiss for me.
Wilson, Will do.
House, Who's Sarah?
Wilson," Her granddaughter, I think. Early stages of dementia. What's the consult?"
House, I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna hit for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam.
Wilson, I can't tonight.
House, Because of Sarah?
Wilson," Yes, because of my senile Patient's granddaughter. You caught me. I'm busy! (Wilson leaves)"
House, Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend.
Cuddy, My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.
House, Or you're both lying to me.
Cuddy, I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied? (she leaves)
House, Nooo.
Foreman, (reading a prescription bottle label) What are the eight types of vomitus?
Taub, I could show you four right now if you ask me one more review question.
Foreman," Hey, you picked me. You said you wanted a hard-ass."
Taub," No, House said that. I pretended to agree to get him off my back. I picked you because I wanted the guy who doesn't like getting involved in other people's pRoblems."
Foreman," (looking in the refrigerator) Yes, I thought you'd want to skip the massive public humiliation of getting fired."
Taub, (pausing by a full shelf of unfinished jigsaw puzzles) By treating me like I'm an imbecile? I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
Foreman, Medicine has come a long way in the last hundred years.
Taub," You know! I heard of a guy, who knew a guy, who could get the exam ahead of time. (Foreman looks at him) It was something I heard."
Foreman," Patient's file said she lost some weight on a new diet, right?"
Taub," Yeah, she went vegan."
Foreman, (holding up an empty box from the trash) Are laxatives vegan?
House, Hello?
Foreman, (calling from House's office) Where are you?
House," In the Parking garage, searParkng Wilson's car."
Taub, We have an answer. Magnesium poisoning.
Foreman, We found a pretty large stash of laxatives. Abuse can lead to hypermagnesemia.
House, I admit that's! impressively outside-the-box thinking. (spotting something in the trunk) Hmm.
Foreman," House. You still there, House?"
Taub, Everything okay?
House," No. For a second I thought Wilson might have a drug pRoblem. Turns out it's much, much worse."
Taub," Okay! Uh, so we push fluids and wait for her kidneys to clear the hypermagnesemia?"
House," You'll be waiting a long time since that's not what she has. Her BP and respiratory rate are normal. While you two were so busy being impressively outside the box, you missed the actual box. Chase and Masters done yet?"
Nadia," Two light beers, November 16th. One really bad glass of Pinot on the 17th. Uh, nothing from the 18th."
Masters, Shouldn't you be working for NASA or something?
Nadia, You mean why am I just a waitress?
Masters," No, I didn't mean! I'm sorry, I-I-I-I!"
Nadia, It's okay. Remembering something is not the same as understanding it. I'm not a genius. I love my job. I'm great at it. Keeps my mind busy.
House," Hi. I'm Dr. House. You are not pooping. Question is, are you also a klutz?"
Nadia, Uh! I guess I'm no clumsier than most people.
House," What are you guessing for? You've got a perfect memory. I was told there'd be numbers, dates, fireworks."
Nadia, What do you want to know?
House," Let's go back to 2008. How Many trips, stumbles, falls did you have?"
Nadia, (seeing flashbacks in her mind) ElEven.
House, This really works. Cool. How 'bout 2009?
Nadia, Twelve.
House, Even cooler. Last year?
Nadia, Twenty.
Chase, That's a big spike in discoordination.
House," If you add the constipation, it's early onset Parkinson's. Give her a full neuro exam, and start her on levodopa. (House leaves)"
Wilson," Oh, I'm so surprised you broke into my apartment without telling me. What is this?"
House," An intervention. (holding up the baggie he found in Wilson's trunk) Exhibit A. A baggie filled with nepeta cataria, also known as!"
Wilson, (taking off his coat and looking at the box) That had better not be what I think it is.
House," If you mean your new junkie girlfriend, then yes."
Wilson, House!
Wilson," (picking up the cat) Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken."
House, I don't think you appreciate the sEverity of your situation. You are rapidly approaParkng an end-stage male spinsterism.
House," That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shooting up with Insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on Ever finding anyone."
Wilson, Don't you think you're completely overreacting?
House," If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me?"
Wilson," Um, because I knew you would completely overreact."
House," Its name's Sarah. Cats aren't named that, women are. What the Freud is that about?"
Wilson," Look, I didn't name her. My neighbor did. She died, and I felt bad. Sarah would have been destroyed at the shelter."
House," Aww, who would want a cat that croaks if you're not home twice a day to shoot it up? It's like having your own button on Lost. (holding up a plastic bag) You know, I'm pretty sure that there is a river nearby."
Wilson, I'm keeping her.
Masters," Okay, shrug your shoulders and don't let me push them down. So I have to ask, uh! is there a trick you use? Mnemonics? Meditation?"
Nadia," No, no tricks. I don't Even try, really. It's just there. Is my memory gonna go away! with the Parkinson's?"
Foreman, It's quite possible. But we still have a lot of tests to do before we have a definitive diagnosis.
Nadia," Well, here's hoping for cancer."
Elena," Nadia? Your boss called me. Sorry, um! I'm Elena, Nadia's older sister."
Nadia, You don't have to be here.
Elena, But I'd like to pretend you'd visit me if I were in a hospital.
Nadia, You brought daisies.
Elena, They're your favorite.
Nadia," No, they're my least favorite. I was stung in the face six times by � (she stops) Oh, God."
Elena, What's wrong?
Nadia, My heart.
Foreman," Fast, wide-complex rhythm. Get the paddles."
Chase, Cardiac involvement rules out Parkinson's.
Foreman," We're back to transient paralysis and high CK, plus arrhythmia."
House," Masters, when you finally blossom into a Woman, would you Ever sleep with a Man who had a cat?"
Masters, Sure.
House," Wrong, the answer is no. Slut. Any of you Ever had a cat? (they all nod ""no""�) Any of you Ever had sex? (they all nod ""yes""�) I think, as your people say, quod erat demonstrandum."
Chase, An excess of Catecholamine could set off an arrhythmia.
Foreman, It's not a pheo. Her blood pressure's fine.
Masters," Maybe we're missing the obvious. The heart could be behind Everything. If it's not pumping effectively, the muscles shut down, CK elevates, coordination suffers. Why are you asking about cats?"
House, Curiosity. (tossing the string on the table) Can we focus here?
Masters," Uh, her heart pRoblems started when Nadia saw her sister. Stress-induced arrhythmia could be caused by long QT syndrome."
Taub, Her sister was barely in the room five minutes.
Masters, She said they'd been estranged for over six years. That's a lot of tension.
House, Run a stress test to confirm long QT.
Chase, It'll have to be drug-induced. Treadmill will pull her stitches.
House," Drugs are nEver the answer. If we want her heart to go crazy, there's something simpler and safer. Use the sister."
House, You lied to me.
Cuddy," (sitting at her desk) No. I said I didn't know anything about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Under House rules, that is not a lie. He's lonely. That cat is a nice way for him to get some affection."
House, That's not the kind of putty tat he needs to be getting it from. He needs a putty tat he can tap.
Cuddy, Why is it so important to you?
House," After divorce number two, he fell into a committed relationship with a three-legged Siamese. He stopped answering his phone, redecorated his place like Grey Gardens. He wasn't able to come back to huManity until a window was left suspiciously and heroically open. How that cat opened the window, I will nEver know."
Cuddy, He just needs more time. Leave him and the cat alone.
House, (as he leaves her office) I won't if you will.
Elena, Sorry about the daisies. I always get it confused if you love or hate them.
Nadia, Do you want to know exactly how Many times told you that I hate them?
Elena, I didn't do it on purpose.
Chase, Her heart rate isn't moving. The sister stress pot needs stirring.
Masters, You want me to start a fight? No.
Chase," Just agitate a little. Use something from the history. You're not lying to them. In fact, you'd be telling the truth, and serving their medical needs."
Masters," You haven't seen each other in a while, huh? (to Elena) I heard the story about the time you hit Nadia with the car. It must have been pretty scary."
Elena, Why would you tell them that?
Nadia, They asked about broken bones.
Elena, I swear that I checked my mirror.
Nadia," You know that's a lie. You knew I was getting the mail, and you just didn't care enough to check! Just like you didn't care that you ruined my 23rd birthday!"
Elena," Nadia, don't start!"
Nadia," You started by coming here, acting like you give a crap."
Elena, Here we go again! I'm such a monster because I brought daisies.
Masters, (to Elena) You-you need to leave right now.
Elena, Well is she gonna be ok?
Nadia," Elena, get out!"
Foreman, You said you'd be ten minutes.
Taub, I couldn't decide on the cheese.
Foreman, When are you getting an apartment? Or at least a storage room?
Taub, (putting something into the microwave) I'll get to it. I like it here. They have video on deMand.
Foreman, I pulled a practice test.
Taub," I hate practice tests. Hey, I nEver saw The Usual Suspects. You wanna check it out before we start?"
Foreman, What are you doing? You've got three days.
Taub, Why is Everyone's first assumption I'm gonna fail this stupid test?
Foreman," Maybe, because you did."
Taub, I was recovering from the flu.
Foreman, I don't care if you were dying from ebola. You shouldn't have gotten less than a 70. You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
Taub, Well it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.
Foreman, Enjoy the movie. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. (he gathers up the test materials and leaves)
Elena, How is she?
Masters, We started her on a beta blocker. It should keep her heart rhythm under control. She'll be fine while we run more tests.
Elena," Did you hear that she banned me from her room? I know I'm not perfect, but she's! Oh, she can be such a bitch. She nEver Ever, Ever lets anything go. Look, tell Nadia she doesn't need to worry about seeing me again."
Masters," (stopping her) I started the fight. We needed her heart rate to rise, so I provoked you."
Elena, You can't play with people like that.
Masters, Maybe if I explain to Nadia�
Elena," No, it doesn't matter! It's just one more fight for her to remember. Guess you're both bitches."
Chase, Masters.
Chase, Smell her breath. (Masters leans in close to Nadia) (to Nadia) Breathe out.
Masters, Ammonia.
Nadia, What is it?
Masters, I think your kidneys are shutting down.
Taub, Failing kidneys puts the heart back on the list as a symptom.
Chase, Maybe she went vegan because she lost the taste for protein. It could be Amyloidosis.
Masters, We would have seen a stiff heart on the nuclear study. But autoimmune could account for multiple organ systems and paralysis.
Taub," There are a number that'd fit. Guillain-Barre, polymyositis!"
Foreman," MS, polyarteritis nodosa�"
Masters, SLE.
Foreman, (to House) Why are you giving me these?
House," Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms."
Foreman, There's an entire department for that.
House," Exactly. The Foreman department. Of which you are the Foreman, Foreman. I know you got the time. A little Wallaby told me that you recently vaCated your post as Taub's savior."
Chase, He asked.
Taub, You're worse than Masters.
Masters, How's this my fault?
Foreman, He doesn't need a tutor. He needs Ritalin and a babysitter.
House," Consider the forms incentive. Taub doesn't pass, he'll become a perManent part of your life."
Taub," This isn't really about Cuddy, is it? It's about you. You don't want to lose me. I think you care."
House," Don't think you can disgust me into pulling Foreman off you. Pulse the Patient with steroids for the autoimmune. Start her on dialysis for the kidney failure. Treat the Taub with insults and small slaps for the obstinacy, and start him on studying for the brain failure. (House gets up and goes into his office)"
Wilson," No, that's not gonna work. I have a haircut at 4 o'clock. I'll be in the offi�(he sneezes) I'll be in the office in about 20 minutes. (he sneezes again) Yeah, okay."
Wilson, (pointing at House) You planted something in my apartment to make me think I'm allergic to Sarah.
House," (removing his glasses) Paranoia is the first sign of toxoplasma gondii, the parasite linked to crazy cat lady disease."
Wilson, I'm not paranoid. I'm allergic to ragweed and dandelion. I'm not allergic to cats. You're trying to gaslight me.
House," Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, ""where the trashiest ladies"
Wilson," You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile."
House, But I nEver had a cat. Why don't you pick me up at 8:00? (Wilson leaves)
Chase," You're gonna need another round of steroids. In the meantime, I'll start your dialysis. So I heard Elena might be coming back."
Nadia, You think I was! too hard on her?
Chase," Well, we all hold our grudges."
Nadia," It's not a grudge. It's common sense. It's simple math. She's hurt me more than she's helped me. Most people edit their memories. They add small, little lies so they don't have to face the truth. My memories remain the same. My truth nEver changes, because! my truth is the truth."
Chase, So no one Ever gets forgiven? Sounds like a lonely way to live.
Nadia," No, I-I do forgive. As long as the good things they do! outweigh� (she pauses) I can't-I can't breathe."
Taub, Huh.
Foreman, What?
Taub," Nothing, I just! always pictured your place with shag carpet. Like kind of a! Mod Squad vibe. Not because of the black thing. I always thought you were more of!"
Foreman, You're limited to this room and Marcus's old room.
Taub, Where's Marcus?
Foreman, He tells me he's working with our Uncle in Florida.
Taub, He tells you?
Foreman," You don't look at or touch anything that doesn't belong to you, including food. You will study and you will sleep. And you will not leave my sight until the exam."
Taub," Great, I'll be back bright and early tomorrow, and�"
Foreman," This is no longer just about your future. It's about mine too. You fail, and I will kill you."
Chase, Respiratory distress means we were wrong about autoimmune.
Masters, Could be pulmonary edema from renal failure.
House, Pulmonary edema doesn't give you hives.
Chase, You think this is an allergic reaction? It can't be. We pumped her full of steroids.
House," It can be. If it was a really, really bad one."
House, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I was right about you having some autoimmune disease. You're just allergic to the dialysis.
Nadia," But if I can't have dialysis and my kidneys are failing, won't that mean I'll die?"
House," Well, you figured out the bad news."
Masters, What do we do?
Chase," We look for another case. Even if you're right about autoimmune, we now don't have time to prove it. The transplant board will nEver give her a kidney."
Masters," Maybe we could go around them, get a relative to donate."
Chase, Which relative? The sister who walked away and told you she was nEver coming back?
Masters," We caused this, you know. They were estranged, but we made it worse."
Chase," That relationship was broken long before we got there. Nadia literally keeps score. She tallies Everything. (They stop and Chase turns to include House in the conversation) She decided Elena's done more bad things to her than good, doesn't deserve her affection."
House," I'm sure she's right. Unlike Everybody else in the world, her memory seems to let her keep a pure and objective view of people in relationships. There's no petty"
Masters, 'Cause it's making her die alone of kidney failure in room 205?
House," Not necessarily. Nadia's sister's not like her. I'm sure she's got plenty of subjective emotions we can exploit. Why don't you go channel your guilt, see if you can get her to cough up a kidney?"
Masters, Me? I'm not good at that type of thing. Someone else should go.
House, Someone else didn't screw this up.
Masters, I didn't!
House, You were just obeying orders. Right? Go fix this.
Masters, Wha� (House leaves)
Masters," I didn't mean to make you hate her. And! now that her kidneys have failed, I-I've always been a book and equations person. People are pRoblematic, and! random and messy. Um, and with sisters! I mean, I had a cousin who I was close to, and when our menstrual cycles synced, it was like gladiator school�"
Elena, Do you want me to donate a kidney to my sister?
Masters, Yes.
Elena, Okay.
Masters," Really? It might not fix your relationship. Uh, pRobably shouldn't have said that."
Foreman," Your left, on your left."
Taub, Stop whining already. I was getting a sniper.
Foreman, Five minutes left in the break.
Taub, But the next lEvel's just past the cooling tanks.
Foreman," That was the deal. We take this break, you do a practice test."
Taub, I-I didn't have the flu. I just! choked.
Foreman," You make life and death decisions Every day. You work for House. You're under constant pressure, and you nEver choke."
Taub," I got a perfect score on my first pathology boards. I kept thinking, whatEver my score is now, it's going to be a measure of the distance between me and the Man"
Foreman, You gotta stop psyParkng yourself out.
Taub," Well, the last test was before I lost my wife and my home, so I'm sure the next one will go much better."
Foreman," Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep for hours, 'cause I'm worried I got the diagnosis wrong. These things work out."
Chase, We found a donor. It's your sister. Just thought you should know. (He closes the door and leaves)
Chase," Nadia, can you hear me? You're coming out of your anesthesia. You're gonna feel a bit groggy. You did great. Everything's looking good. Nadia, come on now, open your eyes."
Chase," (to a nurse) Three milligrams of lorazepam, and I'm going to need suction."
Chase, Seizures mean the steroids aren't working.
Masters, And we got the tests back. We were wrong. It's not autoimmune.
Chase, Could be acute porphyria.
Masters, No abdominal pain.
House, Did the Patient thank her sister?
Chase," No. Not yet, at least."
House, See if she will.
Masters, What are you trying to find out?
House," If she's telling the truth. She claims she objectively sees reality. Weighing the good and bad in people. If that's true, I don't care how Many times her sister borrowed her scrunParke without asking, a free kidney ought to trump all the bad stuff."
Masters, And if it doesn't?
House, That means she sucks like the rest of us.
Chase," We haven't considered her blood. Clots could hit her leg, heart, kidney, and brain."
House, Factor 5 leiden. Easiest to treat if we're right. Start her on heparin. And ask for the thank you. (Chase nods and he and Masters leave)
Taub, How'd I do?
Foreman, Great.
Taub, Great? How great? How Many did I miss?
Foreman, It's not about the numbers. (Taub grabs the results) Don't!
Taub, (angrily) 54%?
Foreman, Th-they make the practice tests harder than the actual exam.
Taub," Oh, my God, now I'm choking in your living room. This isn't gonna work."
Foreman, Who are you calling?
Taub," I found the guy. He can sell me a copy of the test. (Foreman grabs the phone from Taub) I know it's cheating, and I suck as a person. But! the test is tomorrow morning."
Foreman," It's not about the cheating. It's about your confidence. You steal that test, and you'll nEver get it back."
Taub, I can't handle failing at one more thing in my life.
Foreman," You're a good doctor. I've seen what you're capable of. You're fast, you're decisive, and you're bold. And those are not the qualities of someone who needs to steal a test. There's nothing on it that you don't already know. You just need to know that you know it."
Taub, Keep talking.
Foreman, We need you on the team. So we're gonna sit here and take another practice test and we're gonna keep taking them until you've kicked its ass! You can do this! You feel me?
Taub, Yeah.
Taub, I feel like we just buried a hooker in the desert.
Foreman, There'll definitely be another time to rise up and turn things around. You'll come back from it.
Taub, Next time. (They get into the car)
Chase, How are you feeling?
Nadia, N-not any better.
Chase, It'll take some time for the clots to resolve. Your sister's recovering well. If you're really adding up the good and bad!
Nadia, Can I see her?
House," Too fat. Too thin. Too desperate. Not desperate enough. (to Wilson) Come on, you can insult them too."
Wilson, I'd rather not.
House," If you objectify them now, you'll feel more comfortable when you! tie them to a table in your basement later. Or whatEver."
Wilson, Okay. (trying to participate) Um! Too armpit fatty.
House, Whoa! Too hot.
Wilson, I actually know her. She's the new barista at my coffee shop. She's getting her Masters in finance.
House, Brains and boobs. The mother lode.
Wilson," Total moron as a barista, though. Every drink I order ends up with"
House," Girlfriend, that means she's into you."
Wilson, Okay.
House," Hi, there. Wilson, Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat."
Wilson, She said my coffee is not the only thing she'd like to put whipped cream on.
House," Yeah, but is she interested?"
House, Bartender! Champagne for Everyone!
Elena, Hi.
Nadia, Hi. Thank you. For saving my life.
Elena," I love you, you know."
Nadia," I was thinking about those times we went up to Spofford Lake in the summer. WhenEver we took out the canoe, you'd tie up my life vest for me. In the afternoon, sneak me into the lodge so we could steal popsicles."
Elena," Maybe we could go back. I could drive us up there. We could get a cabin and � And maybe rent a canoe. Oh, wow, I haven't! thought of Spofford in!"
Elena, Nadia! are you okay?
Nadia," (unable to keep up the pretense) Elena, I'm sorry! I can't do this!"
Nadia, (out in the hallway) Can you stop? Just stop pushing me for a minute.
Chase," I understand now why you stuck yourself in that diner, away from friends, away from family. You can't forgive anyone. I don't think you weigh anything. I think you're like a lot of people. You focus on the bad memories instead of the good."
Nadia, I don't have a choice.
Chase," Nadia, put your hand in your lap for a moment."
Nadia, (looking down at her hand (I'm not doing that.
Chase, I know. It's an involuntary movement called choreia.
Nadia, What does it mean?
Chase," It means, we still don't know what's wrong with you."
Cuddy, Thank you.
House, Do you know if that! O.R. nurse that Wilson liked Ever broke up with her boyfriend?
Cuddy, I thought your Wilson fetish was over.
House, I'm putting together a second string in case things don't go well with the well-breasted barista.
Cuddy, You've gotta let that guy alone.
House, He's not supposed to be alone.
Cuddy, Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this.
House, Have you met me?
Cuddy, Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it.
House, (answering the phone) Yeah.
Foreman, Choreia. Rules out the clotting disorder. Means we're back to square one.
Masters," If it's hit her brain, that could mean she doesn't have long."
House," So then the question becomes, will the sister show up at the funeral?"
Chase," She tried to reconcile, but the bad memories crowded out the good, and she ran."
House," Nobody's perfect. What else? (None of them answer) Come on, the Woman has all the information we need. She's a bottomless diagnostic library."
Masters, Maybe we're missing something from the apartment. Some lifestyle thing.
Foreman," Yeah, it's all muscle strain from doing her hundreds of Jigsaw puzzles. We should do another MRI. A brain hemorrhage would�"
House, Hey. How Many puzzles?
Foreman," Okay, I was exaggerating. Dozens."
House, Do a peripheral blood smear. Look for acanthocytes. I'll be right in.
House, Remember me? Just kidding. (He and Chase enter the room) So! jigsaw puzzles.
Nadia," Um, I find them calming."
House, You Ever left one unfinished?
Nadia," No, that would drive me crazy."
House, Speaking of!
Nadia, Why are you doing that?
House," More important question is, why are you?"
Nadia, It's just a habit.
House," It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way, that's so bad, it's a disorder."
Nadia, I don't have OCD.
Chase, Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides. You do puzzles and hoard memories.
House, So what we thought was a gift! is just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Nadia," That's why I can't stop the memories, Even when I try. But Everything else? My kidneys?"
House," Memory was just a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod syndrome. It's a rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, the blood. And can cause! (He reaches for her cup again, but she stops him before he can move it) OCD."
Nadia, Am I gonna die?
Chase," It can't be cured. But your various symptoms can be Managed with medication. Best-case scenario, you can live another 20 years."
House," If it's any solace, Everybody dies alone. (Nadia glares at him) It pRobably isn't."
Foreman, How'd it go?
Taub," Well, it's hard to choke when you have all the answers."
Foreman, Look at it this way. It's better to suck at taking one test than to suck at saving people's lives.
Foreman, Wow.
Taub," Uh, Rachel thought it was too big, and I can't keep it in my hotel room."
Foreman, You're giving it to me?
Taub, I couldn't stand the thought of you having company over with that other TV. It's embarrassing.
Foreman, Thanks.
Taub, Thank you.
Foreman," (stopping him) Hey, look, um! I have the room. You could stay, if you wanted to. Just until you find your new place. Who else am I gonna play Savageskate with?"
Taub, We could do that online from separate Houses.
Foreman, Will you shut up?
Taub," Okay. (He puts his luggage down, prepared to stay)"
Chase, How you feeling?
Nadia, Much better.
Chase, I don't beliEve what House said. I'm not sure Even House beliEves it anymore. (He sits down on the bed) You said you didn't have a choice to be the way you are. Now you do. (pulling a pill bottle from his pocket) These are SSRIs. They've been effective in treating OCD.
Nadia, You mean lose my memory?
Chase, Not lose it entirely. It'll just become more like anyone else's.
Nadia," My memory! is the only thing, that has Ever, made me special."
Chase, Maybe so. But if you want to be special! you're gonna have to be alone.
Wilson, Ohh!
Wilson, Ohh!
House, Hey.
Wilson, (startled yet again) Aah!
House, Those are for Sarah.
Wilson, (relaxing) Are they poisoned?
House," Poi� you and your paranoia. Now, if you'll excuse me!"
House, I really should find a better place to store my ragweed.
Wilson," It's a very nice gesture, but it's still in the apartment."
House," So! I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut."
Wilson," All right. First of all, all real. Second! a true connoisseur of the dark arts of! (He stops lying) I flaked. I walked her to her car and said good night. I will get back into it, I � you just need to give me a little more time."
House, I'll give you ten days.
Wilson, Fine.
House, Ooh!
Zack , Hey.
Colleen , Hey.
Zack ," So, uh, what did you want?"
 , It's too late now.
Zack , Too late for what?
Colleen , I'll tell you later.
Zack ," Come on, the bell just rang. We still got time."
Colleen , I'm ready.
 ," Uh, you sure?"
Colleen , Yeah.
Zack ," Why now, all of a sudden?"
Colleen ," What, you don't want to anymore?"
Zack ," Yeah, I do. I'm just wondering what changed your mind."
 , You did.
Zack, Now?
Colleen , If you want.
 Washburn , Excuse me. You two need to come with me.
 Washburn , Take a seat.
Colleen , But we didn't�
 Washburn , You know you're not supposed to be back there.
Zack , We weren't doing anything.
 Washburn, That's not what it looked like to me. Principal Fields will be back as soon as the assembly is over.
Colleen ," Ms. Washburn, please, if I get one more referral, my mom�"
 Washburn , Bench.
House , Who put sand in her vagina?
House ," Hey, kids. How you boys doing?"
 ," Uh, can we help you?"
House , I certainly hope so. [Holding a laptop.] You know what this is?
 , A laptop?
House , [Putting the laptop in front of the young Man at the table.] Password-protected laptop that I need you nerds to hack into.
Foreman , [Standing in the kitchen area.] No insecticides or toxic cleaners.
House , Check the bathroom.
 , Who are you?
House ," Your roommate's doctor. You remember your roommate, don't you?"
 , I thought he just had bronParktis.
House ," That's what the morons at the Rutgers Student Medical Center thought, which may be part of the reason he just coughed up a lung."
 ," What do you mean, he coughed up a lung?"
House ," He coughed! after which the respiratory organ which resided in his chest resided in his mouth! Actually, his hand. Well, his mouth, then his hand."
Foreman , Bathroom's clean.
House , [Pointing at the boy's soft drink cup.] What's in this?
 , Just soda.
House , Mind if I have some?
 , You want my drink?
House , You got a pRoblem with that? [He takes a sip.]
 ," Uh, yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room, start looking through our personal, private stuff, deMand I hack into a computer I think I can safely assume doesn't belong�"
House ," Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue. You were talking about personal privacy. [The boy at the table is obviously scared speechless.] What, you're finished? Well, allow me to retort. [House aims the gun right at him!]"
 , Wait a second. You're saying this actually happened?
House , Absolutely.
 , You're lying.
House , Interesting theory. Can you prove it?
Timmy ," Doctors don't carry guns. They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search Patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction � the movie you're totally ripping off."
House , Huh.
Zack ," Wait, uh, was it Timmy Morgan?"
House , I have no idea.
Zack ," It had to be him. He's, like, totally obsessed with old movies."
 , Pulp Fiction is not an old mov� What?
Colleen , So you're here to talk to the principal about something Timmy did?
House ," I got no pRoblem with Timmy. And Even if I did, I ain't no snitch."
Zack , Then why are you here?
House , To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one.
Zack , What'd you do?
House , What'd you do?
Zack , What'd you do?
House , What happened to your eye?
Zack , It's none of your business.
House ," Actually, it's none of yours. I'm a doctor. It's a few days old, so that's not why you're here, unless you two got busted for some sort of rEvenge plot. But then you'd look angry instead of! ashamed."
Colleen , I'm not ashamed.
House ," Interesting. You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which, of course, means you are ashamed. And yet, you're the victim."
Zack , You want to know how she got the black eye? Tell us why you're here first.
House , Anyone Ever tell you you're annoying?
Zack , No.
 ," Yes, all the time. But he's right. You want to know? You first."
House ," I didn't kill anybody. I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act. But we did, and almost always do, search the Patient's home. And if we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong with them."
Sophie , Why would they hide something that could be killing them?
House ," Because they are morons. They're all morons, and Everybody lies."
Gabe ," Wait, if Everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now."
House ," I didn't say Everybody always lies! Aristotle. And on that note, unless there are any questions! Good."
Corwin ," Oh, Dr. Hourani! before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical?"
House , You want routine?
Corwin , Please.
Woman ," It just feels kind of, like, numb."
House , You do a lot of bicycle riding?
Woman , No.
House , How long have you been married?
Woman , It's 12 years next month.
House , [Reading her chart.] You have six kids.
Woman ," Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you?"
House , PRobably. How often do you use your vibrator?
Woman , Excuse me?
House ," Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?"
 ," Dr. Hourani, please."
House , You wanted routine. Am I done?
Corwin , Maybe we should just move on.
House , No pRoblem.
Corwin , I meant with your typical day. I assume you see more than one Patient?
House , Nope.
Corwin , Okay. Then I guess we will move on to our next guest.
Gabe ," Wait, if you only see one Patient, what do you do the rest of the day?"
Corwin , Dr. Hourani?
House , Just in time for lunch.
 ," By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late."
House , I meant sex! Fine. Lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?
Cuddy ," As of this morning, I'm on a diet."
House , Meaning?
 ," I told you, I'm busy."
House ," No, you told me you were supposed to be busy 20 minutes ago. But you were obviously able to put them off then, there's no reason you can't put them off now."
Cuddy ," How about, ""I wanted to then, and now I don't""?"
Cuddy , Get your finger off my phone.
House , We obviously have something we need to discuss.
Cuddy , Now is not a good time.
House ," If you're mad because you don't feel you're getting the necessary amount of ""affection,""� all you have to do is ask."
 ," Seriously, not now."
House ," If memory serves, I enjoyed a healthy Sunday brunch. So your insinuation�"
House , Ow! What is your pRoblem?
 ," You! You are my pRoblem. You are the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet. And I'm sick of it. I'm just! done. I can't deal with you anymore."
House , So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions?
Alex , What's a vibrator?
Colleen , Why was your girlfriend so mad?
House , It doesn't matter.
Colleen ," Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels."
House ," I mean, it doesn't matter to the story."
Colleen , It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter. You don't kiss her enough � is that the pRoblem?
House , Absolutely not.
Colleen ," Which, by your definition, means it is."
House , We kiss plenty. Your turn.
Colleen , Then what's the pRoblem?
House , Your turn.
Colleen , What's the pRoblem?
House ," [To the receptionist, sitting at a desk nearby.] Excuse me. When exactly will the comMandant be back?"
Receptionist ," Shouldn't be much longer, sir."
Zack , Well?
Colleen ," Oh, so now you're not gonna talk. That's real mature."
Zack ," All right, fine. We got busted for kissing behind the school. Now you know why we're here. So tell us why you're here."
House , The deal was about the black eye.
Colleen , And we didn't kiss.
House ," So you were just making him beg, huh? I didn't have you pegged as a tease."
Colleen , I'm not a tease.
House , The available evidence suggests otherwise.
Colleen , I'm not a tease.
House ," Prove it! By""�by telling me your story."
Colleen ," You're a pathetic loser, jerk! And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure!"
House , She actually said that?
Zack ," Well, yeah, that was, like, two days ago."
Colleen ," It doesn't matter. I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you?"
House , I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. I take it you're into that.
Colleen , Don't answer! Your turn.
Masters ," What seems to be the pRoblem, sir?"
Phillip , I'm having more difficulty breathing and some pain in my chest.
Chase ," You're new, aren't you?"
Nurse ," Uh, yeah, I just moved from Parkcago."
Taub , Parkcago's awesome. What part are you from?
Masters , We need to get a chest C.T.
Foreman ," Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it."
Taub , [To the nurse] Do you want to have an affair?
Chase , You want to have a threesome?
Masters , You can't talk to her like that. I'm telling Cuddy.
Foreman , We need a chest C.T.
Taub and Chase , Get it yourself.
Sophie ," Isn't that, like, sexual harassment?"
House , Not if you're good-looking.
 , Excuse me?
Gabe , You said the one guy was short with a big nose.
House , Guess that's not the only thing that's big.
Alex , What does that mean?
Gabe , It means he's lying! again.
House , [Gets closer to one of the boys' face and screams.] Because you can't handle the truth!
Timmy , That's so easy. A Few Good Men.
Corwin ," Okay, I give up. I think we should move on to our next guest. Mr. Dryden! uh, works for one of the largest advertising agencies in New York City."
Kids , Boring! Boring!
Sophie ," [Turning around, to House.] Can we at least hear what happened to the Patient?"
Kids , [All begging] Yeah! Please!
Corwin , If Dr. Hourani promises to�
House ," Patient's dead. Floor is yours, Don."
Dryden , Dave.
Timmy , He's not dead. You said earlier he was still in the hospital.
Sophie , What's wrong with him?
House , He's got a cough.
Gabe , You said he coughed up a lung.
Alex , What about the laptop?
Sophie , Who cares about the laptop?
Gabe ," Yeah, and he already said he was lying about that, you moron."
Corwin , Gabe! we do not use that word here.
Gabe , He did.
House ," Yeah, and I was talking about people like you."
Kids , Ooh.
Corwin ," Dr. Hourani, please, could you just finish, quickly, so we can move on?"
Nurse ," I don't know what's wrong. He was stable for a while, and then all of a sudden, he just�"
Masters , BronParkal infection must be from a drug-resistant strain.
Chase , O-2 sats are plummeting.
Taub , We need to get him on a bronchodilator before he goes into respiratory arrest.
Foreman ," Suction, sit him up."
Chase , Start blow by oxygen.
 , What is that?
Chase , I think it's his! It's his lung.
Gabe , That actually happened?
House ," Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time. My current Patient is a college student. He's actually in the hospital right now. And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of dead lung tissue."
Sophie , How's that Even possible?
 ," That's what she said. [He waits for a reaction from his audience but gets none.] No, she did literally say that."
Masters , How's that Even possible?
Taub , Primary squamous carcinoma could cause lung tissue to basically disintegrate.
Foreman , It's not cancer. F.O.B. was normal.
Chase , It's not an infection either. Broad-spectrum antibiotics haven't had any effect.
House , Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?
Masters , Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes?
Foreman , An amebic liver abscess could rupture through the diaphragm into the thorax.
Chase , Not when his liver-function tests are all normal.
Masters ," His dorm mates are computer science majors. If they're fabricating Parkps, they could be working with all kinds of different toxic solvents."
House , We need to search the dorm.
Foreman ," ""We""?"
House ," Oui. Allons-y. While we're out, do a thoracoscopic lung biopsy and a c-ANCA, because it's sarcoidosis."
Taub ," But if you think it's sarcoidosis, why are you!"
Gabe , So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?
House , Why would I lie?
Alex , But whose laptop is it?
Sophie ," It's your girlfriend's, isn't it?"
House ," She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers � four feet above her covers."
Sophie , What?
Timmy , Ghostbusters.
Sophie , So that's why she's so mad � you looked through her computer?
House ," No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case."
Corwin ," Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?"
House ," Well, when you say it like that! Yes."
Female Lawyer , Looks like you're the moron.
Kids , Ooh!
Taub , I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there.
Timmy , No way. You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
House , Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle.
Timmy , The Thomas Crown Affair � the Steve McQueen version.
Sophie , Just tell us the truth already.
Dryden , Excuse me. But there are others here who would like a chance to speak.
House , Go right ahead.
Kids , No!
House , Audience is always right.
 , Luke.
Luke , It wasn't me.
Nurse ," [Adressing an old Woman who s about to pass out] Ma'am, are you okay? Can you hear me?"
Mother ," Ooh, what's that smell?"
Patients , Ugh.
 , Smells like a gas leak.
Nurse , Call Dr. Cuddy.
Female Lawyer , You poisoned a room full of Patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?
House ," I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria! Although it worked out just as well."
Colleen , They're morons.
House , Agreed.
Colleen ," No, not the Patients, the kids. It doesn't matter how you stole it. What matters is why."
House ," You know, you're starting to remind me of someone."
Wilson , I didn't ask how you stole it. I asked why.
House , [Holding the laptop.] Isn't it obvious?
Wilson , You think you can tell why she's mad by reading budget spreadsheets and per diem schedules?
House ," I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts! Instead of just watParkng porn with me. [Wilson is speechless.] Oh, grow up. If porn was bad, why would there be so Many nuns in it?"
Wilson , Why is she mad?
House ," I was myself, which, by the way, she's supposed to love unconditionally. [It seems that Wilson doesn't beliEve House.] I didn't do anything! We had a great weekend. Went to a blues club, we watched Cinderfella on DVD."
Wilson , And?
House ," It doesn't matter. She's being unreasonable, and I have to fix it. I need to know what's really important to her. I need something big."
Wilson , Because?
House , We're past that.
Wilson , Have you tried Parkldhood pet names?
House , I don't know her pets.
Wilson , She's nEver mentioned a pet?
House ," Well, yeah, but I wasn't listening. She's not mad because I don't remember a dead dog's name."
Wilson , Her first dog was Ronaldo.
 , Is that R-o or R-e-y?
Wilson , I didn't ask. Try both.
Foreman , Just got a case from the E.R. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronParktis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.
House , Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white Man to solve all your pRoblems?
Foreman , His O-2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his�
House , So figure it out! I'm busy.
Sophie , That can't be true.
House , Why not?
Sophie ," 'Cause if he was dying � I mean, you're a doctor."
House , Patients die Every day. Not all of them are interesting.
Colleen , You still haven't answered either question.
House , She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of Every little thing.
Colleen , So she's mad 'cause she's a girl.
 , And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of Every little thing.
Zack ," Actually, she's not like that."
House , Why are you sticking up for her? She says you're a pathetic jerk and she hates you.
Zack , That was a long time ago.
Colleen , It was two days ago.
Zack , And it wasn't Even true then.
Colleen , How do you know?
Zack , Because I know how you think.
Colleen , Really?
Zack , Really.
House , Really?
Zack ," Hey. Uh, and no peck on the cheek. It has to be on the lips."
House , Winning a bet to force her to kiss you actually cuts against your theory that you know how she thinks.
Zack , I wasn't forcing her to do anything that she didn't want to do.
House , You're hoping for a career in the NBA or the NFL?
Zack ," The bet let her do what she wanted to do while still being able to act like she didn't, so her friends wouldn't get all, like, calling her a slut or something. [Colleen gives him a meaningful look.] Not that it's slutty or anything. It's just a kiss."
Colleen , Not Even close to true. I just couldn't beliEve I'd lose.
House ," Ah, now we're getting somewhere."
Colleen ," No, we're not."
House ," Oh, I thought we were."
Colleen ," No, you thought we weren't, and that's exactly what you want, because you don't want to tell us why was she mad at you! You tell us you don't want to do your job because you're too busy trying to break into your girlfriend's laptop to figure out a way to make her not mad at you. But you don't tell us why she was mad at you."
House , It's stupid.
Colleen , Talk.
House , I'm out of here. Unless!
 , Rachel's gonna be up soon.
House ," Well, you nEver know."
Cuddy ," Yes, I do. Can you take the garbage out before you go?"
House ," Uh, I-I-I would, but! [He points at his painful leg.]"
Cuddy ," Oh, come on. It's not a lot."
House , Pain's always worst first thing in the morning.
Rachel , Mommy!
Colleen , You used her toothbrush?
Zack , That's so gross.
House , What's the big deal? It's not like she had a pRoblem swapping spit the night before.
Colleen ," Well, maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her. Had she warned you not to do it?"
House ," Oh, I listen to her."
Colleen , But you just said before that you didn't.
House ," No, I said I didn't remember what she said."
Colleen ," No, you said you don't listen�"
House ," I listen to her. Okay? BeliEve me, I listen."
Cuddy ," It's my toothbrush, and it's not just once. And it's not like I'd Even care, but you totally destroy it. You're supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone."
House ," I think Miss Four Cavities' time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities instead of complaining about him. And given what I'd just been doing, I thought you wouldn't want me going out to dinner without a good brush and a floss."
Cuddy , Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?
House ," Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? [She turns her head to look at him. He meets her eyes.] I said, ""please."""
Zack , Why would you have to brush your teeth before you go to dinner?
House , You don't want to know! yet.
Colleen , You're gross and dumb. You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is.
House ," You are clueless and naive. I have to tell her that she's wrong, 'cause no one else will. She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid of her, or they want to kiss up to her, or they want to! kiss her."
Colleen , But not you.
House , I already kissed her. And I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled.
Zack , Makes sense to me.
Colleen , That's what you think you did?
Zack ," Yeah, totally."
 , You mean! Wha� You? [He makes a fist.]
Zack ," No, I didn't punch her."
House , You're a moron.
Zack , I didn't mean to. The stick had wicked heel curve.
House , Did I mention you're a moron?
Zack ," Okay, you just said it's wrong to treat your girlfriend like she's weaker than you."
House , I'm not talking about trying to score. I'm talking about shooting high. Tennis shoes on a wooden floor? She obviously can't butterfly and cover the low corners.
Colleen , Your turn. The laptop.
Hourani ," I must be in the midst of a complex partial seizure, 'cause I know you are not sitting at my desk."
House , Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.
Hourani , Get the hell out of here.
House , Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll nEver look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Hourani ," Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass."
House , I don't think we've got enough lotion for that.
Hourani , How did you Even get in here? The door was locked.
House ," Well, either I can walk through walls, or! We have liftoff."
Hourani , Is that Cuddy's journal?
House ," No, it's a freelance piece I'm writing for Teen Vogue. [He closes it.]"
Hourani ," No, no, no. Let me see that."
House ," Sorry, got to go. [He gets up.]"
Hourani , [Holding out his hand.] Key.
House ," I got to give you one thing, Hourani. Your wife � she's beautiful. I mean, wow."
Hourani , Thank you. [Hourani looks at the family picture on his desk and smiles! and then remembers something that makes him open his desk drawer quickly. Something's missing.] House!
Alex , Wait. I thought you were Dr. Hourani.
Kids ," Yeah, who are you?"
Colleen ," So that's why you're here? Well, that was stupid."
House , I know. [He answers his cellphone.] Mr. Stupid-Head at your service.
 , Where are you now?
House , In the principal's office.
 ," House, we don't have time for games. Pet scan was negative for sarcoidosis."
House , Great. Means the treatment's already working.
Foreman ," It would if we'd actually started the treatment, but we didn't."
House , Why the hell not?
Foreman ," Because it's not sarcoidosis. If you were here, you would know that. He's dying. What's left of his lung is collapsing. F.N.A. of the mediastinal�"
House , I don't care about the F.N.A. What I care about is how he responds to the treatment.
Foreman , House.
House ," Just do it. [He hangs up.] Sarcoidosis! is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't usually cause their Patients to die from what it is."
Zack , I don't get it. Why would you lie about your name?
Colleen ," Well, who cares? What did she write in her journal?"
House , Thank you. That is exactly my point. Why does no one Ever beliEve me?
Zack , What?
House , Just because he's dying doesn't make it interesting.
Zack ," You cheated on her, didn't you?"
House ," No, I didn't cheat on her."
Zack , It's obviously more than just you used her toothbrush and wouldn't take the garbage out.
House ," No, actually, it was exactly that."
Cuddy , I just need some time alone.
House , Because I used your toothbrush?
Cuddy , And you wouldn't take out the garbage.
House ," That's insane. You know that, right?"
Cuddy ," You do whatEver you want, always."
House , I said I was sorry. I was � I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention.
Cuddy ," And you're always right. And I don't mean you always think you're right. But y-you are actually always right, because that's all that matters."
House ," That doesn't Even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?"
Cuddy ," I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may Even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does."
Colleen , That's what I said. You don't listen to her.
House , You didn't say that.
Colleen ," Yes, I did."
House ," Well, I wasn't listening, then."
Zack ," But you found a way to fix things, right? That's why you were happy when you read her laptop."
House , I did. At least I thought I did.
House ," She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out it was her fake first choice, 'cause she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection."
Wells ," If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right."
Zack ," Wait, that's our school."
Colleen , What other school would he be talking about? Just finish the story.
House ," You know, I got to tell you � there is bossy, which can be sexy. And then there's bitchy�"
Colleen , Finish the story.
House ," You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside, and being the CEO here obviously connects you with Cuddy."
Wells ," Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?"
House , Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't.
Wells , I might be able to help.
House , Fantastic.
Wells , But I could use a favor as well.
 , Where are you?
House , I needed to take care of something.
Foreman , It's not a foreign body. [He is in the scan room with Masters. They are talking to House via speakerphone.]
House , You must have missed it.
Foreman ," If we do any more imaging, we're gonna have to add radiation poisoning to the DDX."
House , I meant the sarcoidosis.
Masters , The biopsy and c-ANCA were both negative.
Foreman , We're gonna have to do a pneumonectomy .
House ," No sign of drug or alcohol abuse. He's not a smoker, a coal miner, or a potter � it's sarcoidosis. Start him on corticosteroids and methotrexate."
Foreman ," If it's a drug-resistant bug, and we give him steroids�"
House ," He'll die, which from the sound of it wouldn't be much worse. [Suddenly House slams on his brakes! too late: he's rear-ended the car in front of him.] You moron."
Zack , But you have to show him your I.D. And your insurance stuff. You can't just give him a fake name.
House ," You don't have to do anything. Last time I checked, this was still America. Of course, that was ten years ago."
Colleen ," But you're gonna pay him, right? I mean, it was your fault."
House ," A yellow light does not mean stop. It was, at the most, 20% my fault. Since insurance companies automatically put 100% of the fault on the rear-ender, my little lie was actually an effort to aParkEve an outcome closer to the truth. And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids."
House , I am Dr. Hourani.
Alex , Then why did you say the other doctor was Hourani?
House ," It's, uh � it's a common name. It's like Smith! in Lebanon."
Dryden , [Standing up and walking toward House.] Let me see your I.D.
House ," I told you, I left it in my other pants."
Dryden , Really? 'Cause it looks like it's still in this pair.
House , Get your hands off me.
Dryden , Give me your I.D.
House ," Hey, would you stop that?"
Dryden , Give me your I.D.
Corwin ," Gentlemen, please."
House , What? What?
Corwin ," Kids, stay calm."
Dryden , Gimme your I.D.!
Corwin ," Stop this right now! Stay in your seats, kids. Stay calm, you guys. Stay in your seats. Gentlemen, please. This is not the time or place."
 Washburn ," Is there a pRoblem in here, Ms. Corwin?"
Zack , Why don't you just take off? It's not like the principal can call your parents.
Colleen ," No, but the principal can call the police or the guy he's doing the favor for."
Zack , His girlfriend's obviously gonna find out. He's screwed. I'd bolt.
Colleen ," No, you wouldn't."
Zack ," Yeah, I would."
Colleen ," No, you wouldn't."
House , How do you know?
Colleen , What's wrong?
Zack , I guess! I don't want to do it like this. Sorry for shooting the puck so hard and tricking you in the bet.
Colleen , You didn't trick me.
Zack ," Yeah, I did. I gave Madison a Red Dead Revolver cheat code so she'd hit your foot with the rope."
 , I knew you couldn't beat me.
Zack ," You're right. It's just! I really like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me too. But I don't want to play any more games. When you want � I mean, if you Ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know! Sorry."
House , Well done.
Colleen , He's not always a jerk. And neither are you. She obviously likes you. Just stop using her toothbrush and stop playing games. She'll still like you.
Zack , She's bossy! but she's usually right.
DOB , 05-15-1959
House , Thank you.
 Fields ," Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?"
House , Is there a third option?
 Fields ," Actually, I don't think there is."
 ," I'm sorry. I-I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am! Usually, not always. And I need to convince someone of that."
 Fields , Mm-hmm. And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our preschool. I spoke to Sanford Wells. [They sit on either side of the principal's desk.]
House , You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
 Fields ," Oh, I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that."
House ," Let her daughter in. She's a great kid, and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here."
 Fields ," And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? Seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else."
House , I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?
 Fields , Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.
 wall," ""The Princess and the Pea""�. He gets an epiphany]"
 Fields , Dr. House! is there anything you'd like to say?
House , Can I be excused?
House ," It's just food. Something small enough to go down the wrong pipe, too big to get washed out by the bronParkal lavage."
Foreman , Wouldn't show up on a C.T.
House , But would cause the C.O.P.D. And wouldn't respond to steroids or antibiotics. Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.
Foreman , Betting?
House , I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.
 , I'm busy.
House , I know. [He closes the door.] I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Cuddy , Shouldn't you be saying that to Sanford Wells? A fifth-grade career day? You really thought you could pull that off?
House ," I figured, how hard could it be? [He sits down in front of her.] And I wanted to prove to you that I do care about your needs and Rachel's. I do."
Cuddy , Is that why you also stole my computer?
House ," Yes, it is."
Cuddy , And then threw it in the trash?
House ," I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and know it was yours and return it to you unharmed. I'm a moron. But that doesn't mean I-I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy. I was wrong. You were right. I can do better. Just! give me a chance."
Cuddy , So what were you � an Astronaut or a Bullfighter?
House ," I was myself! for the most part. [He seems to consider if he should say anything else.] I know you're still upset, so I'm gonna! I'll leave you to � [He gets up and heads for the door.] to deal with it howEver you want."
Cuddy , House. [House turns around.] You want to come over for dinner tonight?
House , I'd love to.
Bert ," Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, the meeting's running a little late. Well, you know Matheson! the guy loves to hear himself talk. Yeah. Yeah. I'll meet you at the restaurant. Hey, we're going over the contracts now. I gotta get back in there. I love you too."
Officer Smith ," You're getting paid to clean, not window shop, Vesky."
Bert , You calling me a thief?
Officer Smith ," Take it easy. Just yanking your chain. Damn, it's freezin' in here."
 , Better the cold than the smell.
Officer Smith , Used to think my job sucked. How much you make an hour anyway?
Bert ," Not enough. (Dryly) The difference is that this job is just a temporary setback. You, on the other hand, will always be a schmuck."
Officer Smith , Yeah. Schmuck with a guaranteed pension and benefits. I'll take it. (He leaves.)
Bert , I'm sorry I'm late.
Diane , No talking about real estate tonight. I really want you to just enjoy yourself.
Bert ," Well, seeing you in that dress, I'd say mission accomplished. (They hold hands.)"
Diane , Gets a little better. Wait till you see what's on underneath.
Waiter , Fresh tako with lemon. Enjoy.
Diane ," I! ordered the appetizer special. (Bert lifts the lid, rEvealing a few tentacle parts, still moving.) Oh, I thought tako was a kind of tuna. Ooh. We're so not eating this."
Bert ," Well, we should at least try it. (He takes one piece with his chopsticks.)"
Diane ," Please, it's moving, Bert. (Bert eats.) Oh, it's so gross!"
Bert ," Actually, it's! not that bad."
 ," To us! On our third anniversary. The day I met you was! was! (He starts to look uneasy. A rash appears on his hands, rapidly spreading on his face. He has trouble breathing and falls back in his seat.)"
Diane ," Bert? Bert. What is it? What! Honey, what's wrong? Someone, please call 911. Honey. Honey!"
Cuddy ," House! (The elevator door close in front of her, she takes the other one. When she gets out of it, people are leaving the first one, which looks empty. She walks away, looking annoyed, then smiles, turns back and slips in the elevator where House is hiding, stuck to the wall.) I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala."
House , This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
Cuddy , So you'll be there?
House ," No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going."
Cuddy , What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
House ," Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like."
Cuddy , If you Ever want!
House ," I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass? (The elevator dings. They are back in the lobby. Cuddy steps out, then turns back to House, who has stayed in the elevator.)"
Cuddy ," If you were already going, why did you!"
House , Foreplay. (The elevator door close. They both smile.)
Taub , What?
Foreman , Are you wearing my tie?
Taub ," Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt."
Foreman , Why were you in my closet?
Taub , Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
House ," Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way. Now, tell me how someone can have an allergic reaction when all their tests were negative for known allergens."
Chase , Environmental. File says he's a real estate dEveloper. Could have been exposed to something visiting a construction site.
Masters ," He's lying. (House waits for more.) He's not an executive. I saw his hands. They're covered with calluses and little cuts. He works with them. A lot. (The men look at her, speechless.)"
House , Hmm. Baby steps. Go down there and do it.
Masters , But what if I'm wrong? I'll just end up offending him.
House ," Consider that part a bonus. (She seems unsure.) All right, I'll send along one of your big brothers to help. You want scary, smarmy, or shorty?"
Masters ," We need to ask you a few questions. Alone. (Diane does not move.) If you don't mind. (She still does not move.) Uh, they tend to be personal in nature."
Diane , I'm his wife. I can pRobably answer them better than he can.
Masters , They're about his job. (Bert looks concerned.)
Diane ," Well, what does that matter? He sits in an office all day!"
Bert ," Honey, take a break. It's okay."
Diane ," No! Seriously, if there's something really wrong with him, I-I wanna know about it."
Masters , It's not.
Chase ," Our questions are about what he eats for lunch at work and what comes out at the end! bowel movements, mostly. Color, texture. Smell."
Diane , Oka!
Bert , Pretty sure you can't help with that.
Diane , Maybe I could use a break. (To Chase) Thank you for your honesty.
Chase , You're welcome. (Diane leaves the room. Bert start to speak when he's sure she outside.)
Bert , I can't let my wife find out about this. You have to promise me.
Masters , That depends on if it's considered!
 , We promise.
Bert ," I lost Everything because of the recession, my entire real estate company. And she has no idea."
Chase , So what do you do for a living now?
Bert ," I used to be a janitor when I was in college, and now I'm almost 40 and doing it for the people I built homes for."
Masters , Why?
Bert , What do you think? Cause I need the money.
Masters ," No, I mean why lie to your wife about it?"
Chase ," Oh, n-none of our business, really. What kind of cleaning?"
Bert , Industrial jobs. Crime scene cleanup. Septic tank repair.
Masters ," It's the holy grail of potential diseases! caustic cleaning chemicals, raw sewage, mold spores, fungal infections."
Chase , And not to mention cleaning up blood and other bodily fluids from a homicide yesterday.
Foreman , We should check out the crime scene. He might have picked up a bacterial infection from the victim's blood.
Chase , Place has been cleaned and sanitized by our Patient. We sent for the autopsy report! pRobably take a week to get it.
House ," When he's not working, where does he go all day to hide out?"
Masters , His old real estate office?
House ," Treat for bacterial infection. Meantime! Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals. I'll talk to Cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster. (He leaves.)"
 , You're Bert. (To Taub) He's Ernie. (He chuckles and leaves.)
 , And they're both roommates. That was a good one.
Wilson , Well! at least the Alzheimer's Patient in room 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich.
Wilson , You're really going to the charity gala?
House , Why? I wanna do something nice for my girlfriend.
Wilson , You nEver do anything unless it stands to benefit you.
House ," I realize that three failed marriages can leave a Man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other."
Wilson , A hundred says you don't show up.
 ," You're giving me an incentive to actually show up? A personal, selfish incentive?"
Wilson , I'm just making easy money. 200.
 , She! she didn't! (Giving up) 300. She really wants you there.
House , Why do people beliEve I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Wilson , Experience.
Taub , It's a tie. I'm not wearing your underwear. I said I was sorry. You want the tie back?
Foreman , Can we get to work?
 , I can't tell if you're being passive-aggressive or this is just your regular fun-loving personality.
Foreman ," Both. And you can keep the tie. Went out of style five years ago. (Taub tightens the tie. They investigate sEveral offices. Foreman enters Bert's office, which is a mess. He opens a drawer and finds a meds vial.) Vicodin. And he doesn't have a prescription. We didn't test for an allergic reaction to narcotics."
Taub , Or it's the obvious. Take a look at this. (He opens a storage room full of chemicals and toxic products.)
Chase , We think you're suffering from boric acid exposure.
Masters , Which is causing the rash. We need to decontaminate your skin and hope you didn't inhale it into your lungs. (Bert starts to breathe heavily.)
Bert ," I-I feel like I'm! (The monitor alarm beeps, showing a temperature of 124�.)"
Chase , NEver seen a fEver spike this fast before.
Masters , Acid exposure burns literally. It shouldn't be causing this.
Diane ," What's happening to him? Bert? Honey, are you all right? (Bert is unconscious and shivering.)"
Masters ," We have to get his fEver down right now. If it gets any higher, it could cause perManent brain damage."
Chase , We used cooling blankets to get his temperature down. He stabilized at 102.
Masters , PRoblem's not boric acid. We found no traces of it on his skin.
Foreman , Infection from the murder victim's blood?
 , Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly stabby girlfriend.
Taub , We found Vicodin in his office.
 ," Give it to me. (Foreman, Chase and Taub exchange concerned looks, while Masters is oblivious.) Might look like Vicodin but be something else. (Foreman considers this, takes the vial from his pocket and throws it to House. House opens it, takes one pill out, and makes a big show of smelling and licking it. He sighs deeply and put it back in the vial, then sends it back to Foreman. Meanwhile, the male team looks worried.) It's real. Unfortunately! his Vicodin doesn't cause rash, fEver, and joint pain. Does make Taub considerably less annoying, though."
Foreman , Maybe we're thinking too far outside the box here. Just because he could have picked up any one of a hundred exotic diseases from his job doesn't mean he didn't.
House ," Taub's life partner has a point. Started treatment with antibiotics, and he got worse. Simple answer begins with ""m"" ends with ""mia."""
Chase , Meningococcemia?
House ," That works too. Confirm with a lumbar puncture. And on the off chance we're wrong, find out what else he's been lying about besides his job and his drug use."
Masters ," You sure do hide a lot from your wife. Your job, your drug use. What else?"
Bert , What does it matter?
Chase , Can't help you unless you're completely honest with us.
Bert ," I was doing Manual labor. If I came home barely able to move, Diane would know something's up. That's why I take the Vicodin! to hide the pain. I'm not an addict."
Masters , Is that all you're hiding?
Bert ," I didn't just lose my job. Well, that's how it started, but I figured it'd just last a couple months. I maxed out our credit cards, took a double mortgage on the House, and I sold all of our investments. Who'd have thought the recession would last this long, huh?"
Masters , So it's Obama's fault you're lying to your wife?
Bert , Look! I screwed up.
Chase , It's too late now. I want you to roll over on your left side for the procedure. (He comes to Bert's bedside and starts the procedure.)
Bert , Haven't you Ever done something in a relationship you wish you could take back?
Chase , Maybe.
Bert , How'd you handle it?
Chase , I told the truth. Eventually.
Bert , How'd that work out?
Chase , Not well.
House ," I need some intel on this charity Event on Friday night. If I go, do I have to actually give money to charity? (Wilson closes his eyes tiredly.) I'm going. Just don't want it to suck. There has to be a way to make this fun. (He sits on the couch and extends his leg on the table.)"
Wilson , Show up and behave. PRoblem solved.
House , Your pRoblem solved. Don't you think she deserves more than a plaque and a round of applause for 15 years of running this dump?
Wilson ," It's a watch, not a plaque."
House ," It's a clich�. I want to make things more exciting, something she'll remember for more than ten minutes."
Wilson ," Okay. By fun and exciting, you mean screwing this up for Cuddy so she won't Even dream of asking you to go to one again."
Masters , Gram stains are negative in the first CSF samples.
Foreman ," One down, three to go."
Taub , I'm starving. You wanna get a bite after!
Foreman , Already have plans.
Taub , Date?
Foreman ," What difference does it make? We're roommates, not a married couple. We don't have to eat Every night together."
Taub , So you're saying! it's a date?
Foreman ," Yeah, it's a date."
Masters , I don't have plans.
Chase , Ooh. Shocking.
Masters , Are you mad because I picked you? You're stuck actually doing your job?
Chase , A little hazing nEver hurt a med student.
Masters , I doubt it Ever! helped either. I'm sorry that I think our Patient shouldn't be lying to his wife. I'm a Woman. I guess I just have a different perspective.
Chase , You're sharing this unique insight that women don't like lying?
Masters ," Uh, no, I'm sharing my unique insight that you don't respect women. You sleep with a different one Every few days. Or maybe! you find meaning in meaningless relationships."
Chase , At least I have relationships.
Foreman , I'm seeing a high lymphocyte count in the CSF sample.
Taub , And that couldn't wait until they finished mocking each other? (Foreman glares at him.) That means it's not meningococcemia. (All their beepers ring.)
Diane , He's getting worse! He can barely move his legs.
Bert , I can't feel them. I can't feel my feet.
Diane , What is it? What is happening to him?
Foreman ," Luckily, he didn't lose his feet."
Chase , We were able to restore his circulation before any serious damage set in.
Taub , It's not meningococcemia. CSF was negative for bacteria.
Foreman , But high on lymphocytes. It's some kind of viral infection.
Masters , Serum sickness fits Everything.
Chase ," There'd have to be a cause, some drug he's been exposed to."
Masters ," In rare cases, a tick or a spider bite could set it off!"
House , Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)
Chase , Already got a date.
House ," Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support."
Foreman ," I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses."
House , Why does Everyone go to that?
Foreman , Experience?
House ," Shut up! How 'bout go! or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month. (Masters and Foreman raise hands.) Serum sickness fits. Take him off the antibiotics. Start him on corticosteroids. If we're right, he'll be better by morning."
Taub ," Canceled date, huh?"
Foreman , You're bugging my cell phone?
Taub , No. I just noticed you're not wearing it.
Foreman , What?
 , Your first-date shirt.
Foreman , You tracking my wardRobe?
Taub , I'm just observant. That's why I'm good at my job.
Foreman , It's also the reason you're starting to annoy the crap out of me.
Taub , Forgive me for trying to connect a little with my roommate. I just found out that Rachel is now officially more than just emotional with her online friend.
Foreman , You're getting divorced. What did you expect?
Taub , I know. You're right. Just! thinking about it kinda makes me wanna throw up.
Foreman , You still wanna get something to eat?
Taub , I could cook.
Foreman , Ooh. That had to hurt. Not as bad as you. You just missed a free upgrade. Ha. Just did it again. You ran past the power up.
Taub , Double damn!
 , Are you just letting me win?
Taub ," Of course I'm not letting you! (looking at Foreman) Okay, maybe a little. You're having fun, right?"
Foreman , Not anymore.(He puts the pistol back and crosses his arms.)
Taub ," I used to think the whole brooding thing was just part of your work persona, but now I live with you. You need to lighten up, Bert."
Foreman ," And you think I need you to show me what? How to have fun, relax?"
Taub , It was working till you flipped out. (He gets up and starts collecting the plates.)
Foreman ," If I was gonna take advice on how to live my life, it would not be from you. You're broke, you ruined your marriage, and yet you act like you're the victim here, like somehow we're all supposed to feel sorry for you. (louder) You screwed up your life, not some emotional friend your wife met on the! (He stops and grunts in pain.)"
Taub , What's wrong?
Foreman , My stomach. You! you poisoned me! (He runs out of the room.)
Taub ," I ate the same thing you did. How come I'm not! (He looks concerned) Oh, dear God. (He hurries out of the room.)"
Diane ," Open the door, Bert, please. Baby, talk to me. He locked himself inside. He went crazy. He hit me."
Chase ," Bert. Open the door, Bert."
Diane , Bert?
Bert ," I can't get out! Why? I can't get out! Oh, lord, oh, no! Why can't I! get out?"
Masters ," Skin rash is gone. But whatEver it is, it obviously moved into his brain."
Foreman , Or not.
Masters , He had a psychotic break. I'd say that usually indiCates neurological involvement.
Foreman , Usually. Not always. The hallucinations stopped once the steroids we gave him cleared his system. I think that! Mm. (He grunts.)I think we caused this.
Chase , What happened to you?
Foreman , Taub tried to kill me last night.
Masters ," The steroids pRobably did clear up the rash, but the rest of his symptoms are the same."
Chase , And now bilateral conjunctivitis.
Foreman ," Uh, excuse me. I'll be back. (He runs out.)"
Taub ," I! I, uh, better go check on him. (He tries to leave with dignity, but has to run out. House smiles.)"
House ," Swollen joints, high white count, fEver. Conjunctivitis. Anyone?"
 together , Seriously?
Taub , Uh! could be familial Mediterranean fEver?
Foreman ," Not likely. That almost always presents with abdominal pain or! diarrhea. (Masters and Chase are bothered by the smell, apparently.)"
Chase ," Given his job, the skin and eye involvement, it's more likely a systemic fungal infection."
Masters ," Well, we would have seen it in his blood work. Unless the saline used to recover and store the tissue samples has been shown in recent studies!"
House , Get new blood and CSF samples using formaldehyde instead of saline. And start him and his wife on triple antifungal therapy.
Masters , His wife?
House ," Well, if he's really trying to keep her happy, I assume they've shared bodily fluids. (They leave the room, leaving Taub and Foreman, still in their stalls, alone.)"
Foreman , I hate you.
Masters ," You could have picked it up from your job. The! real one, not the fake one. If you had been more honest about!"
 , How is that relevant?
Masters ," If his wife knew about his job, they both might have been more alert to the early symptoms. We could have caught it earlier."
Chase ," That's ridiculous. (Diane enters the room with sunglasses. She takes them out, rEvealing a black eye.)"
Bert ," My God, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."
Diane ," WhatEver you're doing, it's obviously not working."
Chase , We think he has a systemic fungal infection. We're starting him on a parenteral antifungal regimen.
Masters ," It can be transferred through bodily fluids, so we have to start you on the treatment as well."
Diane , A fungus? Where would he!
Chase , it could be from anywhere. The spores can become airborne.
Diane ," But why would he be the only one? No one in our neighborhood, no one in his office building?"
Chase , Sometimes it just happens! that way. It's hard to explain.
Bert , No. It's not. I need to talk to my wife in private for a moment.
Wilson , Your numbers indiCate the medication isn't helping with your cholesterol.
Wilson , Hey! (House whistles. The music stops.)
House , Huh?
Wilson , What are you doing?
House , What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.
Wilson , So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.
 ," Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's Evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my Evening!"
Wilson ," I think, if you do this, your Evening will end with you in your apartment alone! with a sock."
House ," Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro! (The music starts back, with House conducting it.)"
Masters , This is all for the best.
Chase , Yeah. Either that or! the opposite. (Diane leaves the room.)
Masters ," If it means anything, um! I think he's honestly just trying to protect you and keep you happy."
 ," Oh, God, of course he would tell a bunch of strangers before he would tell me. I mean, why not? I'm just a stupid Housewife, right? You know, I have something you can share with him. It's over. He's a liar, and I nEver want to hear from him again. You may wanna go check on him. His fEver's back. But I am done worrying about him."
Chase , She's right. He's at 101.
Bert , Diane?
Masters , We're gonna have to get your fEver down.
Bert , What! what's wrong? What are you saying? I can't hear you. I can't! I can't hear anything! (loudly) Why can't I hear anything?
Chase, His hearing is almost completely gone.
Masters , The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.
Chase , Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.
Masters , Except it's nEver been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.
House ," Oh, no, she di'int!"
Chase ," This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that Patients can have more than one thing wrong with them."
House , Zing.
Chase , He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.
Masters , Except his drug lEvels nEver got into the ototoxic zone.
Chase , You have a better idea?
House , I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.
Foreman , It's pRobably neurological.
Taub , Brain tumor?
Foreman , Or a viral infection that's reached his brain.
House , I say we go with Ernie on this one. Get an MRI. Find it.
Taub , I'm gonna move out next week. I'd rather stay friends than be roommates.
Foreman , Just make sure I get my keys back.
Taub , It's not my fault. (loudly) : I cooked it thoroughly!
Wilson , Looking forward to Friday night?
Cuddy ," Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because! Well, you know the because."
Wilson , You think House is going to embarrass you.
Cuddy ," Well, not intentionally. (She glances at Wilson.) Maybe intentionally."
Wilson , I know what you mean. I picture him doing something stupid like! hiring a mariaPark band or something.
Cuddy ," Well, actually, I could get behind that. I tried to hire one last year, but the board wouldn't let me because they thought it was too expensive. (This leaves Wilson considering.)"
Bert ," I'm freezing. (Masters show a sheet of paper saying : kept cold in the MRI) Is! is Diane coming back? (Masters starts writing No. Upon Chase ""Uh-uh""�, she changes it to ""Not yet""�.)"
Chase ," Bedside 101! when a Patient is near death, try to be nice."
Masters , She's not coming back. I'm not gonna lie to him.
Masters , What? You heard what she said.
Chase , He's seizing. We gotta get him out of there. (They rush to the MRI.)
Chase , Both his kidneys are fried.
Taub , He's in a coma. He has maybe a few days left.
Chase ," We can try and get him on the transplant list, but in his condition and without a diagnosis, I don't see him getting selected."
Masters , He wouldn't survive the surgery.
Chase , Hence my previous comment.
Foreman," What do you want us to do, House?"
House ," If it's a tumor, we start chemo. Bombard his head with radiation."
Foreman , Which will pRobably kill him in this state.
Chase ," And without an MRI, we don't Even know if he has one."
House ," He's definitely dead if we do nothing. If I'm wrong, all we do is shave a few hours off."
Taub , We'll need his wife's consent.
House , Masters will get it.
Chase , PRobably not a good idea.
Masters ," Uh, he's right."
House ," No, he's not. Consider this me officially booting you out of the nest."
Chase , Just wanted to watch.
Masters , Do you Even like me?
Chase , Why?
Masters ," I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But! now when I do want them! I can't Even get a date to this charity Event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I Ever do it with a Patient? (Diane arrives. Chase leans on the counter and speaks gently to Masters.)"
Chase ," Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope, side with hope. (Masters swallows nervously and goes to Diane.)"
Masters ," He's in a coma. We think it's a brain tumor, and we need your permission to start treatment. Due to his current condition, the risk factor!"
Diane , You mean! it could kill him?
Masters , It's possible. But! there is still hope.
Diane , Can he hear me? They say that! that people in coma can still do that.
Masters ," Sometimes, but your husband's hearing! is fine. (Diane looks hopeful. Masters turns to Chase, who nods.)"
Diane ," I didn't mean any of those awful things I said. I'm so sorry. I love you, Bert. I've always loved you. I also kept a secret from you. I was gonna tell you at the restaurant! but you got sick. And I wanted to wait until you felt better. I'm pregnant, sweetheart. You're gonna be a daddy."
House ," Why rash again? It went away. It needs a reason to come back. We know it's not an allergic reaction, so we must have done something to set it off again. What?"
Taub , We put him on dialysis?
Foreman , Moved him to the ICU?
Masters , We also did a partial MRI.
Chase , Two hours before the rash came back. They're not connected.
House , What was he doing two hours before he broke out the first time?
Foreman , Cleaning a crime scene.
Chase , Crime scene and an MRI. Still not seeing the connection.
House , We've been missing connections this entire case. Did he say anything? Did he show any signs of stress in the MRI room?
Masters ," He said he was cold, but it's always freezing in there."
House , Cold and rash.
Taub ," Cold urticaria causes rash, but it's almost instantaneous and not time-delayed."
Foreman , And it wouldn't explain his other symptoms.
 , That's what we did. We made him cold. CAPS. Genetic disorder caused by a mutation in the cold-induced autoinflammatory syndrome one gene.
Foreman , Muckle-Wells syndrome? There's only been a couple thousand documented cases in the U.S.
House ," Well, now there's a couple thousand and one. Fits Every symptom there. We're idiots for not seeing it before. Treat with rilonacept. He'll live a long and healthy life filled with lies to his wife and future Parkld.(He caps his pen with a satisfied look.)"
 we see a montage ," Masters does CPR while Chase push meds in the IV ; Chase checks Bert's pulse, then stops Masters ; she goes back to the CPR, Chase takes her hands off gently ; Diane cries ; nurses clean the room, while Diane sits next to his dead husband. The camera moves to House, resting in his Eames chair, thinking, playing absently with a rubber band, then looking up at Wilson entering the room, ready to leave with his case and umbrella. It is dark and rainy outside.)"
Wilson , You okay?
House , Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.
Wilson , But your Patient died.
 , I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save Everyone.
Wilson , I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside.
House , You're finally putting the cat down. (Wilson glares at House. House gives up.) She loves mariaPark. I told you.
Wilson , Go home and! change. Party's in a few hours. (He leaves and House expression changes from light to sad.)
Foreman , You don't have to move out if you don't want to. I realize you might have had a point. I've been alone a long time. And I don't want to end up like House.
Taub , What you said about me and my marriage was!
Foreman , I was being an ass.
Taub , True. But you were right. I needed to hear it.
Foreman , So we're good. (He extends his hand. Taub shakes it.)
Taub ," You know, I have a couple tickets!"
Foreman , Don't push it.
Masters , Taub and Foreman done? I'm hitParkng a ride with them.
Chase , Me too.
Masters , You're not picking up your date?
Chase , Naw. Going solo. All those meaningless relationships tend to wear a guy out after a while.
Foreman , We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariaPark band marches in.
House ," All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up."
Wilson , You lost one Patient. And it wasn't your fault.
House ," What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive."
Wilson , She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?
House , And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.
Wilson ," Yeah. You've lost Patients before, and you'll lose Patients again. Why!"
House , Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are! nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.
 , Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.
House , My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she?
Wilson , She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.
Wilson ," First! first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this."
House ," Okay. I'm gonna walk. (He leaves the pub, limping and stumbling at the same time. Wilson stays at the counter, watches him go and sighs.)"
House ," We really, really need to talk."
Cuddy , You're drunk. (He enters anyhow.) And you screwed up big time. (Louder) Go home! (She follows him in the living room.) You completely disappeared on me. You wouldn't Even answer your cell phone.
 ," You're gonna want to! sit down for this. Go ahead. (She freezes. He gestures to the couch.) Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. (She sits stiffly, still wrapped in her blanket. House leans heavily on his cane, eyes closed, frowning.) I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you! makes me a crappy doctor."
Cuddy , Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
 ," I am drunk. And I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And! you! are totally worth it. (Cuddy blinks sEveral times, looking stunned, but somewhat reliEved. House joins her on the couch.) If I had to choose between! saving Everyone and loving you and being happy! I choose you. I choose being happy with you. (Smiling drunkenly, he leans forward and nestles in her lap. ) I will always choose you. (He giggles.) My head's on your vagina."
 ," Go to sleep, House."
 ," Yeah. I am kinda tired. (He stills. Cuddy keeps her hand on his back and doesn't move, looking concerned.)"
Cuddy," House? House? [She gets out of bed and takes a few steps toward the bathroom, stretParkng and trying to wake up. A hand comes out from under the bed and grabs her ankle.] Oh! My God! What the hell?"
House, Muahahahaaaaahhh [His head pops out from under the bed. He is grinning.] Gotcha.
Cuddy, Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
House, Set an alarm and Everything.
Cuddy, It's like dating a ten-year-old.
House," God, I hope not. [She smiles and joins him on the floor, draping across his chest as they kiss.] Now that we're down here!"
Cuddy, Hold that thought. [She gets up.]
House, Seriously?
Cuddy, I have to pee.
House," I'll wait. I brought a book. [He reaches under the bed, pulls out a book and starts to read.] I didn't know what time your alarm was set for."
Cuddy, [from the bathroom] House?
House," You know, you can rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe�"
Cuddy," House, shut up. [He shuts up and slides out the other end of the bed so he can see her as she comes to the bathroom door.] There's blood in my urine."
Cuddy, You really don't have to be here.
House, You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.
Cuddy, I'm mainly talking about them.
House," Well, given that there's almost certainly nothing wrong with you, and my Patient definitely has something wrong with him�"
Cuddy, That can't wait an hour?
House, 'Fraid not. He's! [House is stumped] Chase.
Chase, 16-year-old male spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. E.R. couldn't find the source in his lungs or GI tract.
House, See? Serious.
Masters," Could be vasculitis, bronParkectasis, inhaled particles."
Taub, What about angiodysplasia?
Urologist, Ready when you are!
Cuddy, Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
House, But it is a good-time adjacent. [to the team] Feed the kid a camera. Check his gut for angiodysplasia.
Urologist, All right. If you could scoot down.
House," [confidentially to the urologist] Hey, I'm, uh, I'm missing a watch. So can you keep your eyes open while�"
Cuddy, Okay! You too.
Taub, This little camera transmits images to the data recorder so we can see if you've got any vascular malformations in your GI tract. [Ryan swallows the pill with some water while Taub listens to his chest.] Your records show you've lost some weight over the past year. Was that intentional?
Ryan, Not really.
Todd," Well, he's been eating less since he quit the swim team."
Ryan, You have to get up early for swim. It wasn't fun anymore.
Taub," I need to talk to your son about sexual activity. Generally, it's less embarrassing for Everyone�"
Kay, We're leaving.
Ryan," Actually, I've only�"
Taub, How long have you been cutting yourself?
Ryan, Those are from a layback grind that went wrong. Came off my skateboard straight into a fence.
Taub," So! no to cutting but yes to appetite and sleep changes, and you quit something you used to enjoy. How long have you been depressed?"
Taub, Imaging showed no sign of upper GI issues. But the kid did admit to being depressed and to smoking pot to take the edge off.
House," You are very pleased with yourself, aren't you?"
Taub," His marijuana could be laced with formaldehyde or lead, which could cause a pulmonary hemorrhage which could make him spit up blood. [House waits.] Yes. Yes, I am. I thought it was a good catch."
House, [to Taub] Run a lead lEvel and push 5 liters IV fluid.
Taub, Feel free to tip your other server.
House, Cystoscopy was clean. Cytopathology was normal.
Cuddy, Why do you have my lab results?
House," [tosses them on the desk] I don't. If I did, I'd know you were fine."
Cuddy, Unless the blood came from my kidneys.
House," Come on. Your hypochondriac mom had a brush with mortality last month, and it's understandable that you're worrying more than usual, worrying that you might turn into her."
Cuddy," You're right. Odds are, this is nothing."
House, Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.
Cuddy, I need to schedule an ultrasound.
Ryan," My dad's head's still in one piece, so I'm guessing you didn't mention the pot. What'd you tell him?"
Taub," The truth. You had a! minor chemical exposure, and we can't be 100% sure how it happened."
Ryan, Thanks for covering.
Taub, I know what it's like to be 16.
Ryan," You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months."
Taub, It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.
Ryan," I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does."
Taub," In Med School, it seemed like Everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've Ever done. [checks Ryan's eyes with a flashlight] You've got red spots in your eyes. They weren't there before."
Wilson, You have nice skin.
Cuddy, Thank you. Shut up!
Wilson, Sorry. Just thought it would be rude not to comment.
Cuddy, Just treat me like any other Patient.
Wilson, Right. [pause] Are you sucking in your stomach?
Cuddy, No. [yes] Hurry up before I pass out.
Cuddy, Wilson?
Wilson, Ultrasound isn't definitive. We should run other tests before�
Cuddy, Stop talking like a doctor and tell me what you see.
Wilson, There's a mass in your kidney.
Taub," We still don't know why Ryan coughed blood, and now he's got small hemorrhages in his eyes."
Foreman," Sounds like an acquired coagulopathy, which gives us a pretty wide differential."
Masters, Gets a lot narrower if we factor in his depression.
House," Oh, don't do that!"
Masters, Mood swings can be a symptom of physiological illness.
House, I'm not talking to you. [He was talking to the computer.]
Taub," Mood swings are also a symptom of adolescence along with emo music and masturbation. More importantly, his weight loss and sleeping issues started a year ago."
Chase," Infection makes the most sense. He shoots hoops at school, showers in the locker room. I'm thinking staph."
House, Damn!
Masters, You don't think�
House, Not talking to you!
Chase, Everything okay with Cuddy?
House, She's fine. She's just too stupid to accept it. Start him on nafcillin for staph.
Cuddy," All that's in the, uh, First Mutual safety deposit box. The retirement accounts�"
House, You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.
Cuddy, As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.
House," [shrill] Calling a Lawyer, drafting a will! [She gives him a look.] Okay. I-I! hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign."
Cuddy," I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now."
House, But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.
Cuddy, The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.
House," For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is! Oh, look! Now. [He turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch Even though he isn't wearing one.]"
Cuddy, My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.
House," Actually, it is."
Cuddy," But I'm not sick, right?"
House, [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]
Roid Rage," I want my stuff, asshat."
Ryan," I told you, Man, I don't have it here."
Taub, Hey! guys. Everything okay?
Roid Rage, On my way out. I'll see you later.
Taub, You wanna! tell me what's going on?
Ryan," My friend gave me some leftover Klonopin he had when he switched his seizure meds. I sold them to Roid Rage for 80 bucks, but I landed in here before I could deliver, and now he's gonna rip my arms off."
Taub, How often do you sell drugs?
Ryan," It was a one-time thing. I needed the cash, I had the pills, so I thought, ""why not?"" It was a bad idea. The pills are at my House. I could have a friend go get them."
Taub, [takes out his wallet] Give the thug his money back. One time only.
Cuddy," I mean, if you're okay with this. You have three kids of your own."
Julia," It's not Even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys!"
Cuddy, We've only been together a few months.
Julia," Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. PRobably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk."
Cuddy, People change.
Wilson, I'll get it.
House, [from the other room] That better be her!
Sitcom Studio Audience, Ooh!
Wilson," Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago."
Rachel, Don't blame me � he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.
Cop, [entering with Rachel] Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?
House," I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it."
Wilson," What's the pRoblem, Officer?"
Cop, She was shoplifting down at the mall.
Sitcom Studio Audience, Aw!
Cop, Are either of you this girl's father?
House," Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word it won't happen again. [The policeMan walks out.] 'Cause next time! [House flips the door closed] she won't get caught!"
Taub, It's no big deal.
Masters," Good for you. You could have just assumed he was a drug dealer, but instead you took his word for it. [He stares at her, quizzically.] It's nice to finally see someone have a little faith in huManity around here."
Taub," Why would you do that? Ryan, you okay in there?"
Ryan, [coming from the bathroom] I'm not sure. I think I just peed blood.
House, Looks like peeing blood is the new black.
Foreman, Peeing blood after a night on antibiotics means we can move on from infections.
Taub," Scoping showed no sign of a bleed in his bladder, which points to a kidney pRoblem."
House, PRobably some kinda mass.
Chase," Kidney mass wouldn't explain the coughing blood or the hemorrhages. Antiphospholipid syndrome, on the other hand!"
House, Makes sense. But doesn't rule out a mass.
Masters, You think it's cancer?
House, Mass doesn't have to be cancer. Could be renal hematoma.
Masters, But the Patient doesn't have any other abdominal trauma.
Chase, He's! not talking about the Patient.
Masters, Cuddy has a mass on her kidney?
House, It's pRobably just a complex cyst or angiomyolipoma.
Foreman," It's a mass, not a mystery. They'll do the biopsy, then you'll have your answer. Just! have to wait."
Taub, Patient admitted to using pot. Who knows what else he's doing. This could be a heroin-induced nephropathy.
Masters, I thought you trusted this kid.
Taub, And then you pointed out how sweet that was.
House," If it were heroin, he'd be going through withdrawal. Antiphospholipid syndrome's a better fit. Start the Patient on plasmapheresis."
Taub," While he's doing that, can I at least search his House for drugs?"
House, Have I Ever said no to that question?
House, What are you doing here?
Wilson, Pie-eating contest.
House, Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson," Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your Patient. Either that or! you're an ass."
House, Three � I hate the smell of death.
Wilson, The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma�
House," I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to�"
Wilson, You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it � I don't know � once?
House, I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Wilson," There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them! as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better."
House, [thinks this over and nods] You're right.
Chase, House told me to keep you company. Nurse told me to give you antibiotics.
Cuddy, Tell House I'm fine.
Chase, Mm! Tom Cruise got married. [They both smile. They read in silence for a few moments.] Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
Cuddy," As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer."
Chase, Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game. [pause] He'll show up Eventually.
Cuddy," You don't actually beliEve that. But I do. All these years, he's nEver stopped trying to annoy me for more than 15 minutes. And now he can't Even walk into the room."
Chase, Love hopes all things.
Foreman, What is it with you and this kid?
Taub, He's doggy paddling in a sea of misery. I remember what it's like.
Foreman," How far did you have to reach back for that memory, last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watParkng TV at 3:00 a.m."
Foreman, Yeah. If only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time. I'm just saying! I don't think fixing this kid is gonna fix you. [He answers his ringing cell phone.] Yep? We're on our way back. [to Taub] Our Patient lost all feeling in his right arm.
Taub, Look at this.
House, Chase? How'd it go with Cuddy? Chase?
Chase, Aah!
House, Good thing I brought my ax cane.
Cuddy, [from somewhere nearby] House! help me!
House, I'm coming!
Cuddy, House! please!
House, It looks like we got company.
Foreman, Aah.
Cuddy, House! [House turns and tries to loCate the sound of her voice.] Aah! aah!
House, [shouting] No!
House, Ah!
Masters, Are you okay?
House, I was sleeping. What could go wrong?
Masters, Patient lost feeling in his arm while on steroids � rules out autoimmune.
Foreman," So what causes bleeding, kidney pRoblems, and unilateral numbness?"
House, And a complete absence of any record of Cuddy's kidney biopsy. She must have put it under a false name so I couldn't rush the results.
Chase," What if we had it backwards and it's not a bleeding pRoblem, it's a clotting pRoblem?"
House, There's no Patient file created in the last two days for anyone having that procedure.
Masters, She backdated the file? That's very clEver.
House, Hands off. She's mine.
Foreman," Clots could explain Everything including the numbness. We should do an angiogram of his brain, see if we can find it."
Chase, House. [House looks at him.] We're worried too.
House, How sweet. I'm not worried. I just wanna get the results so she can stop worrying.
Chase," Okay, but in the meantime�"
House, Do an angiogram. You two go to pathology and look at Cuddy's slides.
Masters, You just said you didn't know which sample was hers.
House, I guess you're gonna have to look at them all.
Chase, Bigger question � what's the deal with Taub? Just because House is too distracted to notice your distraction doesn't mean we didn't.
Taub," Clots, angiograms � I'm focused. The kid scratched out the faces of half his class. You don't think that's a pRoblem?"
Foreman, It's not our pRoblem.
Chase, Why is it anyone's pRoblem? I violently executed my tenth grade geometry teacher about five different ways in my mind.
Masters," I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement, preferably with acid. [The guys look a little disturbed at how her mind works.] You guys Ever think about what you might to do House?"
Foreman, Maybe it's no big deal.
Chase, Unless it is. Someone shot House.
Wilson, What are you doing?
House, Pie-eating contest.
Wilson," I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do here is, but then I realized! if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony. You have to be with her."
House, Yeah. I get it. She needs artificial support for an artificial pRoblem. She's fine.
Wilson, She doesn't sleep with Chase.
House, We don't know that. [Masters knocks on the open door and enters.] Hey! Eating pie in here.
Wilson, House! I'm not gonna tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't wanna clean up the mess. [He leaves.]
House, He's referring to the pie.
Masters," Fourteen Patients with kidney biopsies. I tabulated them against their urinalysis results. Six men, three diabetics, one LCDD, one kid, two seniors, and by default, one! Cuddy. [She waits for the praise that isn't coming. She approaches him with the file.] Uh! the biopsy was inconclusive. The mass is near the center of her kidney. They couldn't get a readable sample."
House, Means they'll have to remove the mass to know if it's cancer or not.
Masters," The file says they're doing some imaging now, give the surgeon a better idea of what he's dealing with."
House, [calling from the living room] Can we order pizza? There's nothing in the fridge. At least not anymore. What's happening with the Patient?
Foreman," Angio showed a clot in a branch of his middle cerebral artery. Started him on streptokinase to break it up. Although! maybe we should have just played a few rounds of Savagescape 2: The REvenge, because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better."
House," You keep talking like Wilson, your face will freeze like that."
Foreman," Look, howEver bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being in the room is worse. [House can't look at him. Foreman joins him on the couch and picks up a controller.] When she breaks up with you! you're playing by yourself."
Cuddy," Honey, I'm home."
House, Just in time. Pot roast is ready.
Cuddy, Smells wonderful!
House," I cured all my Patients, so I came home to spend time with Rachel."
Cuddy, And how was your day today?
Rachel," It was great, Ma! I got 100% on my spelling test and 170 on my LSATs!"
Cuddy, Your LSATs? You're eight years old.
House," We've been studying together. [Fake aside, out of the corner of his mouth to Rachel] It was supposed to be a surprise."
Cuddy," Well, that's wonderful. [She pats Rachel on the head as she goes to put her briefcase down.]"
House, I think Rachel deserves a treat. [He pulls a lollipop out of his apron pocket.]
Rachel," No, thanks, Daddy. It might spoil my appetite."
Cuddy," Well, who could that be?"
Wilson," Delivery for you, Mrs. House. Happy 29th birthday."
Cuddy, I'm not 29! [House walks over to take the cake from Wilson.] You're not limping. This isn't possible. None of this is possible.
House, Girl can dream.
Cuddy, You run out of sugar?
Wilson, Got your scans back from today.
House, Yeah. [Foreman sees the look on his face and stops shooting video monsters.] Okay. [He hangs up.]
Foreman, What's going on?
House, Imaging shows enhancing masses across multiple lobes of Cuddy's lungs.
Foreman, That's what kidney cancer looks like when it metastasizes.
House, She's dead.
Ryan," What's up, losers? I hope you're enjoying being alive. Today's lesson: natural selection. Excellent system. Made us who we are today. But then we invented seat belts and grocery stores, things that keep idiots and weaklings alive. [He drops to the ground, his chest resting on a capped PVC tube about the size of a can of tennis balls.]"
Ryan, And let's be honest. Most of you don't really deserve it. [He gets to his knees. His face is out of frame as he lights the long wick on the pipe bomb.]
Ryan," Here's to the natural order. [He has thrown the bomb into a small group of trees a ways behind him. It explodes, loudly.] Yes! Whoo!"
Taub, Copied from his flash drive. Do I go to the cops?
Chase," Yes. ""Officer, I'd like to report an assault. The victim was a pile of leaves."""
Taub, It goes on. He talks about bombing his school.
Foreman, Which you know because you stole his flash drive and broke into his House. How's that gonna play?
Masters, [enters] Ryan's not responding to streptokinase. We don't have very long before the damage becomes irrEversible.
Chase, So we either up his dosage or go into his head and get the clot out. Where's House?
Foreman, Hopefully with Cuddy. She did just get some pretty awful news.
Masters, I called her. She doesn't know where he is either.
Foreman, Have you seen House?
Wilson, No. [He looks up from his computer for a moment then returns to work.]
Foreman, He left my place last night after you called. No one's seen him today. Any idea where he'd be?
Wilson, No.
Foreman, And you're not! worried about that? He's not good with bad news.
Wilson," Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing."
Foreman, Okay!
Wilson, She still beliEves he'll show up. He'll either get over himself and be who she needs him to be or he won't. [He goes back to typing.]
Taub, We'd like to do an embolectomy. We'll run a corkscrew-shaped instrument into Ryan's brain and pull the clot out.
Kay, Okay. Have you talked to him about it?
Taub, Yes. But I wanted to see you alone. I saw some videos that Ryan made a few weeks ago. He's blowing up pipe bombs and threatening people in his school.
Kay," Oh, God!"
Todd, He was pRobably just messing around. Our son wouldn't hurt anybody.
Taub, I'm not so sure.
Kay," I know this looks bad, but Ryan's a good kid. He's had a rough couple years since he started high school, but I really think he'll come out of it."
Taub, He needs help.
Todd," Maybe he does, but if this gets out, he'll be suspended, maybe expelled. How about you focus on keeping him alive?"
Masters, What are you gonna do?
Taub, What do you think I should do?
Masters," Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule."
Taub, So I shouldn't do anything.
Masters," Mmmm! while the odds are low, the fallout could be! huge. Tens or Even hundreds of lives."
Taub, So I should call the cops.
Masters," Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively�"
Taub, You suck at this.
Masters, [near tears] Hate the statistics! not the statistician.
Foreman, Give me a little more dye.
Chase," There's the clot. [The clot, visible on the monitor, disappears.] It just disintegrated when you touched it."
Foreman, What was that thing?
House, I got a great idea where we should go.
Cuddy, I don't want to hear it.
House, You're gonna love it. Australia's Finest. There's a great karaoke bar in Newark�
Cuddy, I hate karaoke.
House," They got Every � Every song by Every Aussie artist. Midnight Oil, Men at Work, Olivia Newton John."
Cuddy, I do a mean version of Physical.
House, And the barbecue shrimp is amazing.
Cuddy, What about the fries?
House, Hot and salty and delicious. [He pulls a candy bar out of his pocket and starts to eat it. She stares at it.] Talking about food made me hungry.
Cuddy, You had candy in my other dreams.
House, Means you're stressed at work. All dream symbols mean you're stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.
Cuddy, No. I was hoping! [She puts his gun in his hand] you'd figure out a way to handle all this. Maybe you can't because you're still a Parkld.
House," I can do better. [They push themselves to stand, leaning against the wall.]"
Cuddy, Might be too late.
Cuddy, House!
Cuddy, Ah!
House, I should have been here. Sorry.
Cuddy, I knew you'd come.
Taub," What was that thing, and why did it just dissolve in the middle of surgery?"
Foreman," Why is his liver shutting down? That thing in his brain goes away, the kid slips into a coma."
Masters," We started him on lactulose, but at the rate his liver function is declining, he'll be dead in a day. Should we page House?"
Chase, He's busy.
Masters, House can't do anything for her now. We need him! By his own logic�
Chase, [ignoring her] Patient's blood tests were negative for barbiturates or acetaminophen. He's not on a high protein diet.
Chase, [voice over] House couldn't concentrate on the case before she was dying. You think he's gonna get in the game now?
House," If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month."
Cuddy, Make it two.
House, Bitch.
Masters," A.I.P. can cause uremia, tank the liver."
Chase," It causes abdominal cramping, not abdominal bleeding."
Masters," Oh, because fucosidosis was such a brilliant idea?"
Taub, Guys!
Chase, Type 2 citrullinemia fits.
Masters, There are no signs of hyperlipidemia or pancreatitis.
Taub, Those can take years to emerge.
Foreman, Closest we've gotten. Start him on IV sodium benzoate to reduce the ammonia lEvels in his blood. Run a genetic test for citrullinemia.
Chorus, [spoken]
House, [spoken]
House, [spoken]
Chorus, [spoken]
House, [spoken]
Cuddy, [whispers]
Cuddy, Hm.
House, Hi.
Cuddy, Hi.
House," [puts down the journal] Guess who doesn't have cancer? Me. Also you. Actually, you for sure. Me!"
Cuddy, House.
House, Your tumor was benign. An oncocytoma. They cut it out. You'll be fine.
Cuddy, Then what was in my lungs?
House," Once they ruled out cancer, I remembered that your mom was allergic to antibiotics. So I had them test your blood, and your IGE lEvels were through the roof. Because the lung masses were an allergic reaction. So now you're off the antibiotics, your lungs should clear right up. [she smiles] I brought you something. [He fishes a small, clear jar from his pocket.] Say hello to your tumor."
Cuddy," Ugh! Wait. [She takes it and studies it intently.] There are so Many things that I could be afraid of, and most of the time, I Manage to! lock them up behind doors. But this happens! all those doors just burst open. [House gets a far-away look.] You just figured something out about your Patient, didn't you? [Her smile is both indulgent and proud.] Go. Do what you do."
House, Take him off the meds. He's got a staph infection.
Kay, You treated him for staph three days ago. It didn't work.
House," Bacteria already in his system responded. But once a door's been busted open, more just keep coming."
Masters, Oh! He's talking about an abscess.
Taub, I got that.
House," For the cheap seats, an abscess is a gooey little cream puff of infection. PRobably burst when your little pride and homicidal joy took a hard foul."
Taub, It's good news.
Masters, If we can find the door.
Taub," I think I know where it is. [He goes to Ryan's side and opens his gown, rEvealing the scabs.] What if! these aren't from skateboarding? [The video of Ryan grinning as his bomb explodes behind him shows, followed by CGI of the abscess at work.] The kid has been blowing up PVC pipe bombs. If he got hit by shrapnel, the body walls off the foreign object, which, because it's plastic, doesn't show up on imaging and provides a perfect home for bacteria. Antibiotics attacked the infection, causing pieces to break off. Some hit the liver. One lodged in his brain and dissolved when Foreman touched it. [Cut to O.R. Chase picks out a piece of shrapnel with a tweezers and puts in a cup held by a nurse.] Once we drain the abscess and remove the shrapnel, the antibiotics can do their job. He'll be fine."
Masters, Which just leaves! what are you gonna do now?
Julia, All right. I put the rest of the soup in the freezer so you'll have some for later.
Cuddy, Thanks for Everything.
Julia, Yeah.
Julia, Here you go.
Cuddy, I got it.
Julia, Okay.
Cuddy, Are you gonna tell mom?
Julia," So she can show up here to take care of you by harassing the Housekeeper and criticizing your bathRobe? Yeah. I think I'm gonna wait a few years. Oh, and I moved your sleeping pills back in the medicine cabinet because I just worry. Rachel always calls them candy."
Cuddy," You took Vicodin. [House's face falls. He looks guilty and terrified.] When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned."
House, [also ashamed. He can't look her in the eyes.] How did you know?
Cuddy, How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could nEver get through this without drugs.
House, It was a one-time thing.
Cuddy," It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean."
House, I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy," No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've Ever done is to avoid pain � drugs, sarcasm! Keeping Everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you."
House, As opposed to Everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy," [sad] Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their pRoblems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that."
House," I ca""�I came to be with you."
Cuddy," But you weren't with me, not really."
House, I wanted to be.
Cuddy, That's not enough.
House, [imploring] I can do better.
Cuddy," I don't think you can. [They stare at each other.] You'll choose yourself over Everybody else over and over again, because that's just who you are. I'm sorry."
House," No. No, no, no. Don't. Don't."
Cuddy, I thought I could do this.
House, Don't. Please don't.
Cuddy," Good-bye, House."
Qty,30
Lane, [voice over] One. Don't tense up now. Go with him.
Lane, [voice over] Two. That's it. Stay in rhythm.
Lane," [voice over] Three. What are you doing, Lane? You're tipping in."
Lane, [voice over] Four. What's your pRoblem? Get your ass down. Get back in the middle.
Lane, [voice over] Five. You're weak. You got all kinds of daylight under you.
Lane," [voice over] Six. Damn, Lane, you should be schooling this bull."
Lane," [voice over] SEven. Get up, set your hips before the kick comes down."
Lane, [voice over] Nice recovery. Now just wait till he turns back away from your hand.
Lane, [standing with arms over his head in victory] Whoo! Yeah.
Cowboy, Lane. Lane.
Lane, What the hell just happened?
Cowboy, I was about to ask you the same thing.
House, I'm fine.
Wilson, Okay. [following House into the hotel room and closing the door]
House, I assume Cuddy told you that she dumped me.
Wilson, She did.
House, And that I'm back on Vicodin.
Wilson, She told me you had taken a Vicodin.
House, And then I took a lot more. [He takes another one.] And so on.
Wilson, But you're fine?
House," Well, I'm not fine as in ""fine,"" but I'm fine as in ""you don't have to worry about me."""
Wilson," Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin?"
House," Because I'm going to be fine as in ""fine"" very soon."
Wilson," Until that happens, are you sure Vicodin is the!"
House, My leg hurts.
Wilson, You've been able to handle the pain.
House, It's gotten worse.
Wilson, Not physically worse.
House, Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it.
Wilson, So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry.
House," Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. [There's a knock on the door.] Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual lEvel of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges."
Carnell," Good morning, sir. I've got your deluxe breakfast for two."
House, Do I have to count the strawberries?
Carnell, Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
House," [points to Wilson] After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub."
Carnell," Oh, no pRoblem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed?"
House, Why didn't I meet you six months ago? [He hands Carnell the money.]
Carnell," Thank you very much. And if there's anything else I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable, just ring the concierge and ask for Carnell."
House, [biting a strawberry] Eat fast. We're expecting company.
Wilson, Okay. This might not be such a bad idea.
House," What do you think he meant by ""anything""?"
Wilson, Take some time for yourself. Relax.
House," I know it's a figure of speech, to underline the ""anything."""
Wilson, Maybe talk to someone?
House, Already scheduled.
Wilson, [turns his head to look at House] Really?
House, [looks at Wilson] I'm not an idiot. I know I need help.
Wilson," Okay. That's! great. [pause] I meant, like, a counselor."
House, I know.
Wilson, But you meant a hooker.
House, Yeah. Baby steps.
Taub, House screwed us.
Chase, Ten years of doctors cobbling him back together. Metal rods in Every limb. Pins stabilizing his spine. Five screws and a titanium plate in his skull.
Foreman, Can't do MRIs. X-rays are pRobably gonna be useless as well. Every piece of metal is gonna obscure something.
Taub, And House isn't sick.
Masters, Why would you say that?
Taub, Cuddy dumped House. He's out somewhere expecting us to indulge him while he ignores his job and licks his wounds.
Masters, Cuddy dumped him?
Taub, Don't do that. Don't get sucked in.
Masters, He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for five minutes?
Taub," I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze-, Vicodin-, and hooker-filled bender."
Foreman, Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Chase," Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control."
Foreman," I said ""we."" You want ""pretty please"" too?"
Masters," Wait. I understand the booze and the hookers, but why Vicodin?"
Chase," Wow, you really don't have any friends in here, do you?"
Foreman, House is a Vicodin addict. He's been clean for two years.
Masters, He's used here at work?
Foreman," Yes, that is very troubling. Almost as much as the fact that our Patient"
Masters," What if the hearing loss wasn't caused by the bull? That's just when he noticed it? [they're all listening] Inner-ear pathology can affect the equilibrium and cause disorientation, making it appear to be a neurological disorder."
Taub, So how do we confirm? CT is just gonna show us the plate and screws holding his skull together.
Masters," We can do calorics and an ENG. If he has inner-ear damage, it'll affect his balance."
Foreman, Sounds good. Go ahead.
Chase, Go ahead? Really? What if one of us disagrees? [Taub and Masters stop. Long pause.] I happen to agree with Foreman. Go do it.
Wilson, You knew he was an addict before you got involved.
Cuddy, Didn't end the relationship!
Wilson, You knew he was an ass!
Cuddy, I didn't end it!
Wilson, You told him you did not want him to change.
Cuddy, And I was wrong.
Wilson, You don't know that. You thought you were gonna die. Do you really think that was the right time to make this kind of decision?
Cuddy, No. But I've thought about it. A lot. And I haven't changed my mind.
Wilson, He thought you were gonna die. Nobody knows the right way to react in that situation. Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy," I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House! Every time I needed him to step up! He's just nEver gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault."
Wilson," Well, he's back on Vicodin. So you might want to! keep an eye on his new Patient."
Foreman, ENG was normal. Means his inner ear isn't!
House, Morons.
Masters, It wasn't!
House," Whoa. Wait a second. The acoustics in here are beautiful. [loudly, echoing] Morons! [Cut to hotel bathroom. House sharing a bubble bath with a beautiful brunette who faces him in the tub.] You say it."
Taub, Who was that?
House, Something Carnell got me.
Masters, It wasn't that ridiculous of a theory.
House," Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. [While he is talking, he is holding the hooker's foot, toes poised to enter his mouth.] If you're gonna test SuperMan's strength, you need a bigger barbell. Find one, make him lift it, then call me and tell me how high it got. [He leans to the side of the tub to talk directly into the phone.] And tell Cuddy that spying is for cowards."
Cuddy, Just keep me posted.
 Foreman, [simultaneously] I will.
Lane, You said my inner ear was fine.
Taub, Previous test was for regular people. You were banged up pretty bad in the accident. But given your athletic ability!
Lane, Wasn't no accident. That bull had mAlice and forethought.
Masters," Uh, you mean aforethought."
Lane, WhatEver. He was pissed.
Taub, Can you blame him?
Lane," Not at all. If he don't do what he gets paid for, I don't get to do what I get paid for."
Taub, You Ever think of getting paid for doing something else? You're running out of bones to break.
Lane," You Ever think of doing something you don't love? It has its downside, but Everything does. [Masters smiles goofily at him.] There ain't nothing like those eight seconds. Traveling around, getting to meet the fans, that ain't so bad either, if you know what I mean. All right, now what?"
Foreman, We're gonna start rocking the platform and changing your visual field while you balance on just your right leg.
Masters," [giving him a pair of goggles] Here you go, Lane. I'm gonna start slow."
Foreman," If you start to experience any nausea or disorientation, just let us know and we'll stop the test."
Lane, [adjusting the goggles] You got it.
Masters, Ha. That is amazing.
Taub," We can stop. There's obviously nothing wrong with his inner ear. Now what? And I direct that question not to my boss, but to anyone who has an answer."
Foreman," If it's not in his ear, it's got to be his brain."
Masters," But if we can't get any images, then how do we!"
Lane," [behind them, drinking some water] Looks like you guys got some rusty pipes. This water's brown."
Foreman, That's not from the pipes. It's from your mouth.
House," Can you pass me the, um!"
House, What took you so long?
Foreman," There's nothing wrong with his ears, but he's got blood in his sputum."
House, Doesn't answer the question.
Foreman, We weren't avoiding you. It took us a little time to think up a diagnostic test no one's Ever thought up before.
House, Apology accepted.
Chase, [Foreman starts to talk but Chase interrupts.] It could be a tumor in a salivary gland. We should get a parotid biopsy.
House," [indulgently] Oh, that's so cute. You're fighting over who's in charge."
Taub, GI bleed's more likely to explain the nausea and weakness.
House, Who's in charge?
Foreman," House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final!"
House, Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?
Taub," Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity."
House," Those my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you."
Taub, That is not true in so Many ways.
House," And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone."
Masters," Wait, House, should we be more worried about you? Are you on Vicodin? Because if you are, you pRobably shouldn't be ordering procedures."
House, I am not on Vicodin. [He swallows a Vicodin.] Do the tests. I have to see a Man about a hurdy-gurdy.
Masters, You really think House isn't using Vicodin?
Taub, Does it actually worry you?
Masters," If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment."
Taub, And does that worry you?
Masters, Are you being sarcastic?
Taub," If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it. And what do you see in this guy?"
Masters, Hmm? What? Who? [pause] Oh. You think I'm attracted to our Patient?
Taub," Right. It's against the rules, so you wouldn't do it."
Masters, [whispers] He's a macho half-wit.
Taub," You have Every reason to not be attracted to him, which is why I ask the question. Why are you attracted to him?"
Masters, Stop it.
Taub, I'm just!
Masters," No, no, no. Take out the scope."
Taub, But I don't see!
Masters, Not the monitor. Look at his eyes.
Foreman," Sclerae turned yellow. Did X-rays. Looks like there's a mass in his liver,"
House," Making it, as they say, as tough to find as a hooker who can play the hurdy-gurdy."
Foreman," If you have a point, can you please!"
House," It's an expression. Means it's tough, but apparently it can be done."
Chase, If we don't have any equipment!
House, You have eyes.
Taub, Not that see through stuff.
House, Obviously.
Masters, You want us to cut him open?
House, Only if you want to see what's wrong with him. [He hangs up.] Do you know Free Bird?
Chase, [hands inside Lane's abdomen] Do you see what I see?
Taub, No.
Chase, Exactly.
Taub, More suction. [He puts his hands in and starts looking around.] That's impossible. I definitely saw a mass on the X-rays.
Chase, It's gone now.
House, It's a mass! [He's in bed.] And then it's not.
Chase," You, uh, gonna introduce us?"
House," Team, meet Duke."
Anke, Anke.
House, Anke? How'd I get Duke?
Masters," House, how Many prostitutes have you had?"
House, As in eaten? Ever? This year?
Masters, Slept with. Since you've been here.
House," All but one. She did my taxes. On the other hand, tapeworm that burrowed"
Taub, We would have seen eggs on a fecal smear or systemic eosinophilia.
House, Detached cyst?
Foreman, Couldn't migrate that far in one hour. We haven't been sitting on our hands just waiting for your brilliance to kick in.
House," Okay, so how did you shoot down intermittently swollen lymph node?"
Masters," That would mean it's some kind of an infection, which would mean we'd have to do a spinal tap. But with his recent skull fractures, it could be an increased ICP. His brain could herniate."
Chase, What about a ventricular puncture?
House, Sounds good.
Master, You think sticking a needle directly into his brain would be less dangerous than sticking it in his spine?
House," It's pRobably a push. I'm just trying to get you out of here, because underneath this sheet, [confidentially] stuff is going on."
House, Just pick a spot and stick a needle in it.
Lane, You want to drill through my skull because of a mass that's not there?
Taub," It was there, which means something is wrong. We need to find it."
Masters, Is there anybody you'd like us to call? Someone that you'd like to be here with you? Maybe a wife or girlfriend?
Lane," No, my family's all back in Oklahoma, and the guys on the circuit are in Calgary at the next rodeo."
Masters," Ah, that's too bad. It's nice to have somebody nearby you can talk to who cares."
Taub, You okay?
Masters, Hmm?
Taub," I'm just saying, ""it's good to have somebody near by to talk to who cares."""
Masters," Okay, fine. I like him. So what?"
Taub, No kidding. I just can't figure out why.
Masters, Neither can I. Looks clear. Nothing is suggesting inflammation. Something's wrong.
Taub, O-2 stats are plummeting. We need to intubate. Drop the table. [He tries to get the tube in Lane's throat.] I can't get it in.
Masters, The airway's blocked. Get the trach kit.
Masters, O-2 are going back up.
Nurse, What's that smell?
Masters, Did he defeCate?
Taub, Doesn't look like it.
Masters," I think it's his feet. [She looks at his feet, which have some sort of rot on them.] Oh. Oh, Man. Ugh. It's definitely his feet."
Carnell, Please don't.
House, That is a nice bow.
Carnell, That was a nice door.
House, Put it on my tab. Let's say we take it up a notch. [He tosses Carnell an apple.]
Carnell," [laughing] Yeah, right. Very funny."
House, You don't trust me?
Carnell, No.
House, And we have a gamer.
Carnell," Oh, come on, Man. You can't be serious."
House," Why not? [#5 giggles and holds the apple on top of her head.] Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away."
Carnell, House!
House," I like you, Carnell. Don't ruin it. [He turns on the phone.] Stinky feet can point to diabetes, athlete's foot, or gangrene! Pick one."
Carnell, No!
Taub," Uh, none. None of those cause bloody sputum or disappearing masses."
Carnell, No. No. No. No. You're gonna kill her.
House," Don't do that, Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker. [He takes aim. The hooker waits. He lowers the bow as he gets an idea.] Fungal infection can cause ulceration between the toes and bleeding could be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses."
Masters, Symptoms in the head or feet mean the infection would have to be in the heart or the brain.
Taub," I say we start by looking in the heart, because looking at his brain with a metal plate is pRoblematic."
Chase, So's MRI'ing his heart. He's got a sEven-centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together. It'll rip him in two.
House," [aiming and pulling back on the bowstring] No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better."
Taub, We could minimize the damage by injecting ice water into his abdominal cavity.
Carnell," No. Please, no."
Carnell," Oh, God!"
House," Oops. [The team, listening, looks puzzled] Got to go."
Carnell, Call an ambulance!
House, Why?
Carnell, What do you mean why? She's hurt!
House, She doesn't look hurt.
Carnell," No, you didn't."
House," Yes, we did."
Carnell, You're an ass.
House," Okay. Go get me, uh, general Patton's colt 45. [The door opens] The one with the two notches."
Wilson, [entering] He's not getting you a gun.
Carnell, Your friend knows how to have a good time.
Taub, The MRI magnets are gonna heat the metal. Could get to over 300 degrees in 15 seconds.
Masters," Which is why we're injecting ice water into your abdominal cavity. [She clears her throat.] You'll feel colder than you've Ever felt, and then you'll be hotter! um, you'll feel hotter than you've Ever felt. [clears throat again] We'll try to be as quick as possible."
Taub, Wow.
Masters, Shut up.
Taub, It's interesting.
Masters," No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him."
Taub, Oh. Is that all?
Masters, Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub," And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting."
Wilson," You were bored. You must have spent about two days setting up a fake murder, and you were bored."
House, I'm fine.
Wilson, You're not. And I'm worried you might do something Even stupider. Why don't you move back in with me? At least until you get back on track.
House, What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock?
Wilson, I'm trying to be a friend.
House, At least I have the good sense not to marry Every Woman I fall into bed with. Maybe you should move in with me.
Wilson, Either way. If you prefer!
House, [getting annoyed] I prefer you to stop talking about this.
Wilson," House, we haven't Even started talking about this except to establish the fact that you are fine, which clearly you aren't."
House, [loudly] Leave me alone!
Wilson," No. We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this."
House," So I have no choice? Fine. Unless! unless! [He has a rEvelation.] Yes, I do. I do have legs. [He stands.] I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan. [House takes his drink and leaves.]"
Taub," [over the intercom] Lane, can you try to hold still?"
Lane, [teeth gritted] I'm trying. Real hard.
Taub, Guy is tough. I'll give him that. My prefrontal cortex is a little aroused.
Masters, Just get the damn picture. Rib temp is at 158.
Taub, I don't have a clear view of his aorta yet.
Masters, This isn't gonna work. We have to stop.
Taub, No. You're trying to protect him instead of trying to save him.
Masters," He's smoking. Literally, you ass."
Taub, Five more seconds.
Masters," No, getting a good image isn't gonna mean anything if he doesn't have a rib cage."
Taub, Got it.
Lane, Whew.
Taub, The images! [shrugs] they're normal.
Lane, [cooling off] Whew. Ah. Whew.
Wilson, You're gonna have to talk to him Eventually. He needs you.
Cuddy, I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't!
Wilson," He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. [He stops himself from crying.] Without you!"
Cuddy, You can't go backwards. I can't fix his pRoblem. I am his pRoblem.
House," If the infection's not in his heart, then it's in his brain. You're in my sun. Do a CT."
Foreman, We can't. He has a titanium plate and a bunch of metal screws.
House, So get rid of them.
Taub, His skull has multiple hairline fractures. Removing the metal plate will be like removing half an eggshell without cracking the rest of the shell.
House," [sits up, supporting his leg] And not removing the plate will be like leaving the egg out to rot."
Foreman, We can't cut off the top of his head based on a few symptoms that disappear whenEver we try to test for them.
House," What if the one symptom that hasn't disappeared was nEver actually there? Any delays when he answers questions? [Masters nods] He doesn't have partial hearing loss. He's missing moments. He reported having something like a complex partial seizure during a bull ride. Said it hasn't happened since, but what if he's wrong? What if the infection in the brain is causing it to happen all the time?"
Chase, His E.E.G. didn't show any sign of seizure activity.
House, I didn't say it was a seizure. I said it was something like a seizure.
Foreman, And I'm guessing you're about to tell us we need to find something like an E.E.G. to prove!
House," Nope, 'cause I already got one. [Stands and takes a wad of bills out of his pocket, which he hands to Hooker #6.]"
Lane, You want me to sing? How's singing My Bonnie gonna help you see inside my brain?
House," It won't. It's just gonna prove that we need to cut into your skull, which is gonna be kind of dangerous. So you've got a real incentive to sing like an angel."
Masters," We think you're having mini blackouts, but your brain compensates."
House," It can't compensate if there's a preset rhythm. [He sets a metronome on the bed tray.] One, two, three."
Lane," My Bonnie lies over the ocean my Bonnie lies! [tick, tick] !over the sea My Bonnie! [tick] !lies over the ocean! [tick] !Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me See? Told ya."
Masters," Lane, that wasn't Even close. [to House] That was brilliant."
House, [unenthusiastically] Yeah.
Wilson, It's understandable.
House," I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying."
Wilson," You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass."
House," It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting."
House, [answering] Yeah.
Foreman," House, there's no infection in this guy's brain. CT's clean."
House," Well, that sucks. Now we have to blow up his heart."
Foreman," We're not blowing up his heart, because we've ruled out his heart. MRI and transesophageal echo rEveal no swelling, no masses, no vegetation, no sign of anything."
House, 'Cause we're looking the wrong way. [Holds up the straw.] There's an imperfection. How do you find where?
Foreman, I don't know. Get a magnifying glass and!
House," You suck. Feel free to interpret that both ways. Suck on the straw, see where the drink leaks."
Chase, You're saying we put pressure on his aorta until it rips open? You do realize the downside of that?
House," If we don't rip it, the damage from the infection will, pRobably not when he's got his chest open in an O.R. where it can be repaired inside the 60 seconds it'll take him to bleed to death."
Chase, It's a ridiculous idea. It won't work.
House, Now if you don't mind! get this guy's approval to rip his heart open.
House," Hey. We think you have a Bartonella infection, which caused a mycotic aneurysm in your aortic wall. We need to find it, which means we need to blow up your heart. And, yes, I'm as serious as a heart attack. We're going to increase your blood pressure until the weak spot in your aortic wall explodes. Hopefully we'll be able to fix it before you bleed to death. Any questions?"
Lane, Nope.
House, Really? You don't Even want to know if you'll be able to go back to bull riding?
Lane," I assume no? I mean, you've already cracked open my skull, and now you're gonna blow up my heart."
House, [puzzled] Thought you loved those eight seconds.
Lane, [quietly] I do. And now you're telling me that I got to give them up. I can always find something else to love.
Cuddy, House. We need to talk.
Cuddy," You didn't expect me to say yes to rupturing his aorta, did you?"
House," [calm and deliberate] Since I didn't ask, I wasn't expecting you to say anything at all."
Cuddy, You have no reason to beliEve this will save his life.
House," [mirthless laugh] Really? No reason? None at all? I'm just planning on cracking open his chest, blowing up his heart, what, to pad his bill? [scornful] Or you think that since you broke my heart I want to break his."
Cuddy, [somewhat pitying] I don't know. I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgment.
House," You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital, and my team is gonna do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way."
House, [contemptuous] Annnnnd! she caves.
Chase, Rib spreader in place.
Taub, Heart looks good. The aorta's exposed.
House, I take it you ratted me out to Cuddy.
Masters, I think your judgment is compromised.
House," No, you don't. [He hits the intercom button with his cane.] Come on. I got a squash game at 2:00. Let's give this cowboy a ride."
Foreman," If I inject more, there won't be any room for the blood to go through the rest of his body."
House, You're right. Let's make damn sure we don't damage his toes while we blow up his heart.
Taub," No bubbles, no bruising, no gaps. It's not working."
Foreman," Yes, it is."
Masters, I was wrong.
House, Not yet.
Chase, Let's switch him over to bypass for the Debridement. Come on. We don't have much time.
Foreman, Slow the heart down�
Chase, Damn. Clamp.
Taub, We can't clamp the aorta at this pressure. Even if you can see through all the blood.
Chase, Do it anyway. We need suction and more sponges.
Foreman, [mopping up blood] Leak is too fast.
Chase," [attaParkng a clamp] No, it's not. We can fix this."
Foreman," It worked!?! House, it worked."
House, [over the intercom] I heard you.
Masters, Hey.
Lane," [happy] I'm awake, so I guess it worked."
Masters," [giggling nervously] As long as you don't get your heart rate too high. You, uh, pRobably shouldn't have sex for a while."
Lane, I'll keep that in mind.
Masters," Want to hang out, see your ranch sometime?"
Lane, Uh!
Masters," [realizes he's stalling] That would pRobably be inappropriate, 'cause I'm your doctor and Everything. Good luck with Everything. [She pauses in the doorway] It!"
House, Double scotch. Doubled.
Bartender," Uh, blended? Single malt? Any preference?"
House, No.
Bartender," Yeah, sorry about the noise. I guess, uh, their team won. Although I got to tell you, sometimes I wish I could still act like that, you know? Just let loose. [House nods at the Bartender who refills the glass.] Ah, I guess it's a little easier, though, when you got no troubles. Parents still paying your bills. Got your whole life ahead of you."
Wilson, Noooooooooooooo!
House, Cannonball!
Wilson, What the hell are you doing?
House," [standing in the pool, surrounded] What do you do when you win?"
Students, Party!
House, What do you do when you lose?
Students, Party harder!
Ryan, One small step for Man!
Chris, One giant waste of your monthly allowance.
Ryan," Safety's disengaged. We're go for launch in five, four, three, two, one!"
Chris, That was freakin' awesome!
Chris, Whoa.
Ryan," Aw, jeez. Come on."
Ryan, My father's gonna kill me!
Chris, (still holding the camera) Can I film that too?
Chris, Whoa!
Ryan," (coming up beside his friend) What? Oh, Man! Is that guy dead?"
Chris, I think so.
Danny, Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ryan, (calling out to his friend) Get the rest of the flames out!
Danny, Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ryan," You! you gonna be okay, mister?"
Danny, (sniffing his burnt hand) It smells like! like licorice?
Masters, Think House is coming in today?
Foreman, Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters, He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?
Chase, Ride some kind of prostitute chariot to work?
House," First person to offer me an interesting case gets to ride her! single or double-team. (Masters looks uncomfortable) My scooter, which, now said out loud, sounds Even more inappropriate. (He hands his sunglasses to Dominika)"
Taub, Seriously? You're bringing them to work now?
Masters, 23-year-old homeless Man brought into the E.R. with burn injuries and!
House, Let me guess! diagnosis was fire.
Masters," He said his burning flesh smelled like licorice, and the E.R. antiseptics like blueberry muffins."
House," Cool. Dysosmia! could be anything from an environmental factor to an early sign of a degenerative brain disease. (taking the Patient file from Masters) Smells like a winner. Okay, (speaking to Taub) you and Chase go check out the Park where they found him. (to Masters and Foreman) You two load him up with Prednisone, give him an odor I.D. test. If he's still mistaking his body odors for candy, the pRoblem's definitely in his brain. Also, find out what else he's lying about! (throwing the file down onto the table) Since I'm assuming ""Ferris Bueller"" is not his real name. (he starts up the Segway again)"
Masters, (picking up the file) Why?
Masters," Seriously, who is that?"
Taub, They say he's a righteous dude.
House," Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a perManent member of Team House."
Dominika, Nice to be meetings you all.
Chase, Doing what exactly?
House, Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
Masters, I don't think that two people are supposed!
House," Living on the edge, baby doll!"
Foreman, How's the arm?
Danny, Hmm? It hurts. Do I have to check out now?
Masters, Not until we figure out why your sense of smell is off. When was the first time you noticed it?
Danny, Maybe a couple months ago.
Foreman," We also need you to tell us your real name, so we can review your medical records."
Danny," I didn't ask to come here, okay? I'm not paying for any of this."
Foreman, Don't worry. I don't think the collection agency has an office in the Park.
Danny, I don't have a medical history. I've always been healthy.
Foreman, What about those scars and burn marks? (opening Danny's gown to look at the burns on his chest) Lean forward.
Danny, My dad! We didn't exactly get along when I was a kid.
Masters, How Many times were you hospitalized?
Danny, NEver. He was good at it. Made sure he nEver did anything that couldn't be covered up by a sweatshirt.
Masters, I'm sorry.
Danny," No, don't be. I'm not. The past is the past. That's why I don't like talking about it."
Cuddy, You can't ride that thing in here.
House," Speaking of things, (He looks through the stack of invitations he is carrying) I'm having one on Friday. If you want to drop by, we'd love to have you. (He hands an invitation to Cuddy) No pressure."
Cuddy, You're still standing on it.
House, So I am. Perhaps you're not familiar with New Jersey handicap ordinances.
Cuddy," (holding up a piece of paper) Or perhaps I am. They apply to wheelchairs and powered scooters only, not toys."
House, Have you any idea how much this toy cost?
Cuddy, I don't care.
House," For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week."
Cuddy," For some reason, I still don't care."
House, Fine. I'll return it.
House, But I'll have to walk it out of here.
Cuddy," Stop. I'll make an exception for your leg. But next time, check with me first."
Wilson, Congratulations on your engagement.
House, I hear a strange voice.
Dominika, A very soft-looking Man. Must be the Wilson.
House," I know we said no secrets, but I think I need to take this alone, Honey bunny."
Dominika," Okay. (she leaves the office, putting her hand on Wilson's shoulder as she exits) Nice to be meeting you. (Wilson giggles)"
Wilson, You're trying to screw with Cuddy.
House," Yeah, it's the classic ""You dumped me, so I'm gonna get married a week later"" ruse. 'Cause not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid."
Wilson," And what, you're openly mocking marriage! trying to prove it means nothing?"
House, It doesn't. But you proved that yourself years ago.
Wilson," I'd love to keep guessing, but I've got people with tumors waiting. Why do you want us to think that you're getting married?"
House, Only one theory left! I am. Dominika needs a green card.
Wilson, So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that! Pay huge fines.
House," (opening the folder) Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000."
House," All I have to do is say two stupid words! ""I do."""
Wilson, And if she doesn't see it this way?
House," (putting his feet up on the desk) Iron-clad prenup! We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, ""Brilliant idea, House."""
Masters, Wow. You look different.
Foreman," The Prednisone has had time to work, so we need to give you the odor I.D. test now."
Danny, Sure.
Masters, (holding the open vial in front of his nose) We need you to tell us what you smell.
Danny," (sniffing) Oh! Something spoiled! Maybe, rotting meat?"
Foreman, It's baby powder.
Danny, I kind of like that one. Peppermint?
Foreman, It's extremely bad body odor.
Danny," Well, you got to admit, that one's kind of a good deal for me."
Danny," My backpack. Oh, where'd you find it?"
Chase," In the Park, right next to a big pile of questions."
Taub, (holding out a tin of syringes and cotton balls) What kind of drugs you shooting up?
Danny," Vitamin supplements. I've been trying to boost my immune system. All right, test me if you don't beliEve me."
Taub, Ferris tell you his real name yet?
Masters, Peter Johnson.
Taub, Danny Jennings.
Danny, I bought those books used.
Taub, All from the same guy?
Danny," I'm sorry, you know, I think I should check out now. (Danny starts to get out of bed) And I should! Ow!"
Masters, What's wrong?
Danny," Oh, my stomach."
Foreman, Gastrointestinal bleeding.
Masters, Is anyone else disturbed by this? (Taub raises his hand)
Foreman, What? She offered.
Masters," Danny may have lied about his name, but he was telling the truth about the vials. Tests confirm they were vitamin A and B12."
House, He also enjoys vitamin H. The kid's a junkie.
Taub, Tox screens were negative for drug use.
House," His hair wasn't. I had it tested! (He eats one of the cucumber slices) 'Cause unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally ill 20-somethings without drug pRoblems don't exist. He was a heavy user sometime in the last five months."
Foreman, Wow. That was incredible. Thank you.
Dominika," No, thank you. I like a Man with the big, strong, sexy feet. (She wiggles his big toe playfully)"
House," He really puts the ""Mani"" in the ""pedi."""
Foreman," If he has a history of snorting heroin, he could have caused the dysosmia himself."
Masters, But we still need to explain the bleeding in his G.I. tract.
Chase, Vitamin injections could have caused that! Hypervitaminosis A syndrome.
Masters, So his symptoms aren't connected.
Taub," House, you buying this?"
House, Not usually. But this guy's been sleeping on a bed of dog poop. I wouldn't be surprised if he's got six different symptoms for six different reasons.
Masters, The bleed could be caused by a G.I. obstruction.
House," Vitamin O.D. makes sense, and it's easier to treat. Give him Tocopherol and zinc supplements for the excess vitamin A. If we're right! he could go homeless tomorrow."
Masters," And if we're wrong, his intestines could get further distressed, while we ignore the G.I. obstruction."
House," (to Dominika) See what happens when women don't have to serve men to stay in the country? The get all uppity. This is why we invented green cards. (to Masters) Go X-ray the guy's abdomen, if it'll make you feel all equal. (Masters leaves)"
House, I need a favor. (tossing a folder on her desk) I want to add my fiancee's name to my health insurance a few days early. She wants to get a tooth capped before the big day. (He spins around on the Segway)
Cuddy, (opening the folder) I'm not signing this.
House," I agree. (spinning around again) I think she looks beautiful the way she is. Oh, no, wait. You're not signing that for moral reasons?"
House, You're declaring yourself the sole arbiter of true love? 'Cause you covered Taub's wife for years.
Cuddy, It's fraud.
House," (calling out to Dominika in Russian) Voydi moya malishka (""Come in my baby.""�)"
House," She wanted me to bribe you, like they do back in the old country. (to Dominika) Tell her what I said."
Dominika, This is America! the land of the home and the free of the braves.
House," Yeah, I just get teary-eyed Every time I hear her say that. She brought you a gift."
Dominika, Almond kulich! I make with own hands. I-it's delicious.
House, Almond kulich! How can you say no to that?
Cuddy," (taking the tin) You realize if I do sign this and you don't get legally married, you'll lose your insurance with our carrier?"
House, Yes.
Cuddy, Fine. It's your life. (she signs the form and hands the folder to Dominika) I wish you both the best with it.
Dominika, (smiling) Thank you.
House," North, Miss Teschmacher! (Eve Teschmacher was Lex Luthor's assistant in the first two SuperMan movies)"
Masters," Your blood test was clean, but your hair showed heroin use."
Danny, I've been clean over three months now.
Chase, How'd you kick it?
Danny," I had to die first. I O.D.'d back in November, and they said I was clinically dead for sEveral minutes. It was like God gave me a second chance to do things right this time."
Chase, You're saying God cured you?
Danny," No. State rehab cured me. But, I should be dead, but I'm not. It has to mean something. I mean, I-I must be here for a reason, right?"
Masters, Did you figure out the reason?
Danny," My goal is to become a doctor one day. I am smart. I mean, I got a scholarship for premed out of high school."
Masters, Chase! (Chase goes over to Masters who is looking at the monitor) Look.
Masters," We found 13 masses spread across the wall of his colon, ranging from two to eight millimeters."
Taub, It can't be tumors. Edges are too sharp and defined.
Chase," I thought it might be parasites, but we didn't see any movement between X-ray exposures."
Foreman, And no larvae or eggs were observed in any of his stool samples.
House, Which is kind of surprising for a homeless junkie living in a Park.
Chase, Ex-junkie! Claims he's been clean for over three months.
Masters," And he's not planning on staying homeless. He's trying to protect his health, which is why he's been taking vitamin supplements. He wants to be a doctor."
Taub, He's just telling you what you want to hear.
House," Once an addict, always an addict."
Masters, Can you! please not do that in front of me?
House," Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on the stuff. We could be looking at fungal masses hanging off the walls of his colon. Start him on Amphotericin ""B"" tonight, and in the morning, run a scope up where the sun don't shine, see if you can find any truffles."
Taub, I think we should boycott this wedding on principle.
Foreman, I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party.
Taub, W-what about Chase? He ask him?
Foreman, Yep. He's in it.
Taub, What the hell?
Foreman, You just said you weren't Even going.
Taub, I still have feelings.
Foreman, (spotting something on the monitor) What's that? (Taub pauses the scope and a small white spot can be seen on the monitor) That's definitely not a fungus.
Foreman, You were bleeding because you had 13 pieces of bone in your digestive tract.
Masters," We think you have pica, a craving for nonfood items that's caused by a chemical imbalance!"
Danny, I didn't crave them. I kind of! volunteered to eat them.
Masters, W-what? Why?
Danny," There's this great Italian restaurant I like to frequent. And by ""restaurant,"" I mean their dumpster out back. The cook is kind of a friend of mine. He challenges me to eat stuff. Sometimes it's raw squid, or, you know, I have to chew on a Parkcken bone. But if I do it, then he hooks me up with real food, not just the garbage."
Masters, Great friend.
Foreman, These fragments could have perforated your colon and killed you.
Masters, You have to promise us you'll stop.
Danny, (sitting up) I think there's something wrong with my eyes.
Foreman, What is it?
Danny," Uh, it's like I'm looking at you from the bottom of a well."
Masters," If we add tunnel vision to the dysosmia, we can subtract the bone-induced abdominal bleeding."
Taub, I thought the dysosmia was from heroin.
Masters," He said he nEver snorted, he just shot up. So that wouldn't have affected his sense of smell."
Taub, And we beliEve the lying liar why?
Foreman, House! Are you Even listening to us?
House, I'll start when you decide what the symptoms are and give me some theories.
Taub," If we combine the dysosmia with the tunnel vision, the symptoms fit for western equine encephalitis."
House, But the Patient doesn't! no fEver.
Taub, Ow! What the hell?
House, Negative reinforcement.
Chase," What about Foster Kennedy Syndrome? He could have a meningioma or plasmacytoma. Started by pressing on his olfactory nerves, it affects his sense of smell, and now it's growing and pressing on his optic nerve."
House," Good. MRI his head, find it."
Cuddy, Your potential donation!
House," (to Dominika) Hey, hey."
Cuddy, !Have an immediate impact on our community. We could extend the hours! (She sees the helicopter flying toward her)
 Weston, Something wrong?
Cuddy, No. I just think maybe it would be a better idea to have a tour of the clinic first. It's right this way.
 Weston, (as the vase hits the floor) Oh! Oh! Oh!
Cuddy," (trying not to be fazed by House's antics and leading the donors toward the clinic) Uh! We have sEveral Patients that are Parkldren, and we find that it's important to give them the opportunity to play to make the hospital a less intimidating place."
Danny," (from inside the MRI) M-my dad used to lock me in a closet, and it! and it feels like I can't breathe."
Taub, (to Danny) We need you to stay still.
Chase, Give him a break.
Taub, You want him squirming around? We'll have to do it twice.
Chase, I want you to show him a little respect.
Taub, You really think this kid can turn his life around?
Chase, He beliEves God gave him a second chance. That kind of belief can be powerful.
Taub," Masters doesn't surprise me. He plays the fellow med student who dreams of being a doctor and reels her in. But you, falling for his deep connection with God?"
Chase," He has hope. After all he's been through, it kind of makes me root for him."
Taub," We don't Even know who he is, except that he lies about who he is. The bit about his abusive father is pRobably all made up."
Chase, And he faked the scars?
Taub, He's a punk. PRobably got into a lot of fights. And he sucked you in using the dad story.
Danny, I don't think I'm feeling very well. (Taub sighs) I think I'm!
Taub, He's vomiting.
Chase, Should I ask him to stay still while he does that? (They go to get Danny out of the maParkne)
Taub," He has two dark spots in the parietal cortex. They're not tumors! Maybe some kind of, uh, injury or inborn defect."
Masters, Apparently he was clinically dead for sEveral seconds when he O.D.'d. The dark spots could be brain damage from oxygen starvation.
House, Except it's not. I've seen MRI imagery like that in sParkzophrenics. (back to the game) Three serving two.
Masters," But sParkzophrenia doesn't explain why his blood pressure skyrocketed, and he threw up in the MRI."
Chase, Panic attack. He's claustrophobic. He was fine once we let him out.
Foreman, The dysosmia and tunnel vision could be hallucinations.
Taub," Except, as was already covered, he was screened for mental illness down in the E.R."
Dominika, (clapping) In your head!
House," It's ""face."""
Dominika, On your face!
House," Close enough. The E.R. docs missed it, because he didn't present with major symptoms yet. We're seeing it in its infancy."
Masters," So we treat him, and then what? He becomes just another sParkzophrenic homeless Man wandering the streets! We have to help him."
House," I'd love to, but I got four million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk."
Wilson, You two spent months trying to figure out a way to date and not have it affect your working relationship. Now you need to do the same thing for not dating.
House," No, I don't."
Wilson, This is serious. Did you know that she's!
House," She's dying of guilt and feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean, not the dumping part, but the part where she'll now let me do whatEver I want."
Wilson," So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad, and your only goal is to take advantage?"
House, That's not true. I got plenty of goals. (taking off his glasses) One of them is a 60-inch flat screen right there. (He nods toward the wall in front of his desk)
Wilson," You're a lot of things House, but you've nEver been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who isn't fighting back."
Masters, I already gave him a second dose of Clozapine. You don't need!
Taub, I'll bet you 50 bucks his favorite sport is hockey.
Masters, How could you possibly know that?
Taub, Just a hunch.
Taub, How you feeling?
Danny, My arm kind of hurts.
Taub, I'll talk to the nurse about upping your pain meds.
Danny," Hockey, eh?"
Taub," Oh, my nephew bought it for me! knows I'm a huge fan."
Danny, I hate hockey.
Masters," If this is sParkzophrenia, you're gonna need regular care. I found some shelters that have full-time medical staff and also offer!"
Danny," Oh, my arm really hurts!"
Masters, Let's have a look.
Danny, Ow! It feels like it's on fire!
Taub, We need to take a look under the bandages.
Danny," (holding up his unbandaged arm) Ow! No, no, no. Not that one, this one!"
House," Ahoy there, me hearties! Permission to come aboard."
Masters," Danny said his left arm felt like it was on fire last night. We assumed it was a sParkzophrenic delusion, but!"
House," It's not. He's on Clozapine. He'd be getting better, not worse."
Chase, Sounds like regional pain syndrome. Has to be a genetic disorder.
Foreman, Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub, I wouldn't worry about it. We'll pRobably die first.
House, Don't make me take my shoe off!
Foreman, We need to run his DNA. He could have early onset of Parkinson's.
House, Or cortical-based ganglionic degeneration or Huntington's or any one of a dozen other genetic diseases.
Masters," Hey, if you let us out, we can start testing."
House," If we're gonna test for them all, it'll take weeks. I'm not canceling my Honeymoon to treat this kid."
Taub," It's a fake marriage, but a real Honeymoon?"
House, Most are.
Foreman, Danny could also die before we get through testing for all the possibilities.
House," So we cheat. Since it's genetic, daddy or mommy's got it too. They're either sick or dead."
Masters," He doesn't know where his mother is, and he won't tell us where his father is."
House," He's a homeless ex-junkie. Are you telling me that you four geniuses can't outwit him? Green light! (House floors the accelerator, throwing Everyone back against their seats)"
House," Cuddy got it for me. And now I'm drafting a request for a study into the effects of caffeine involving an Italian espresso maParkne and a massage chair, so make it quick."
Taub, I found Danny's father.
House, Well done.
Taub," The kid said he was in a state-sponsored rehab last November. There's only one Danny Jennings that was in treatment at the time, and he listed his father's address as his primary next of kin."
House," The ""well done"" was for making it quick. Now I'm gonna have to take that back."
Taub, He lives about 30 minutes from the hospital.
House, And the reason you're continuing to talk instead of driving there?
Taub, Chase and Masters are already on their way. (Taub pauses and House looks up at him) Why didn't you ask me to be part of your wedding?
House, You are genuinely upset at being mockingly snubbed by a mock wedding?
Taub, Is it because I haven't been here as long as them? Or is it that you really don't like me? Or are! are you just s-screwing!
Taub, Um! I'll! I'll come back when she's finished.
House," She is. (Dominika puts some tools on the desk) Oh, my God! W-what did you think she was doing? She's just installing the cable. (Taub leaves as House calls out after him) That's not a euphemism!"
Dominika," Oh, I feel sorry for the little one. Isn't there something we can do?"
 Jennings, Can I help you?
Chase, We need to talk to you about your son Danny.
 Jennings, Danny? Who are you?
Masters, We're his doctors.
Chase," We need to know if you, or perhaps his mother, have any family history of genetic disease."
 Jennings, Why? What difference would it make?
Masters," You may not care about your son, but!"
 Jennings, Is that what Danny told you when he was in rehab! we didn't love him?
Chase," Um, not why we came here. We just want to know if there's any diagnosed genetic disease in your family."
Masters, We're trying to make your son better.
 Jennings, Better? He died of a drug overdose. We buried him three months ago. (He closes the door on them)
Danny, Who are you?
House, Shhh!
Danny, What are you doing?
House, Test.
Danny, Who are you?
House," The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand! do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. (House leans his cane against the bed) Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name."
Danny, No.
House," Hiding your identity! Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero."
Danny, I'm not a criminal.
House, Awesome. What color is my underwear?
Danny, I'm not telling you my name.
House, No pRoblem. I just need your father's name.
Danny, Forget it.
House, Care to tell me why?
Danny, He's looking for me. He supposedly! cleaned up and got sober. And now he! he wants to be a part of my life again. And I can't let that happen.
House, You're a big boy now. You still think he can hurt you?
Danny, You don't get it. If I Ever see my dad again! I'll kill him.
Danny, What's happening to me?
House," Well, luckily for you, we don't need daddy to figure that one out."
Masters, Did you find out his real name?
House, Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters, That's a weird name.
House, (pushing the elevator button) The guy whiffed twice trying to pick up a cup right in front of him. That plus Everything else!
House, Means that we have whittled our list of genetic diseases! (He swallows the pills) All the way down to one! Early-onset Parkinson's.
Masters," After Everything he's been through, now we have to tell him, ""Hey, you have"
House, You could lie. I'm fine with that. But you'll pRobably both feel better if you give him Levodopa and confirm with DNA tests.
Wilson, He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
Cuddy," It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding."
Wilson, And the chapel! He's turned the chapel into his own personal Catering hall.
Cuddy," Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks."
Wilson, Appeasement is nEver the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy," I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand! why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone."
Wilson," You're the first boss he's Ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking."
Cuddy, I changed my mind.
House," What, you want the fish instead of the Parkcken?"
Cuddy," This room is for Patients' families, not for doctors trying to defraud the government."
House," Oh, so! you've decided to take a moral stand."
Cuddy, Yeah. The chapel still has sanctity for some people.
House, You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy," It's ""Lou,"" and I would have thrown him out too."
House," Well, where are we gonna go? We got Caterers staging Everything downstairs as we speak. We've got floral arrangements, place settings! Other wedding-y stuff."
Cuddy, That's not my pRoblem.
House, I sent out the invitations. People are coming here.
Cuddy," That's also not my pRoblem. (She turns and walks toward the door, calling over her shoulder as she goes) And I want the TV back."
Danny, You should just let me die. The world's better off without me.
Masters, It's normal. People feel depressed when they get bad news! because it's bad news! Obviously.
Danny, I didn't O.D. by accident. I was trying to kill myself.
Masters, Why?
Danny," 'Cause I've done things! Horrible things. I've hurt people. And when I didn't die, I thought! I thought God forgave me. But he just wanted me to suffer. And I deserve it."
Masters," No, (sitting down on the bed) you don't deserve it."
Danny, I! I had a girlfriend in college! And I almost killed her. I just snapped. And I started hitting her. And if her roommate hadn't come home! I'm evil. I am just like my dad. We're both monsters. I deserve to die.
Danny, I can't! I can't! I feel dizzy.
Masters, (calling loudly) I need a crash cart in here!
Masters, His heart is dilated and failing.
Chase," And at the rate it's happening, he'll need a new one soon. And there's no way we'll get him on the transplant list."
House, What are we missing?
Taub, Everything. We know nothing about this kid.
Chase, Except that he's gotten worse since we admitted him.
House, Why?
Taub," Most of our Patients tend to do that, unless we cure them."
House," Yeah, but why so fast? He had dysosmia for a couple months, nEver Even came here to get it treated. He's just a random burn victim. We get him, boom, he's got tunnel vision, peripheral polyneuropathy, cerebellar ataxia, and now cardiomyopathy. What's different here than, say, living in a filthy state Park?"
Foreman, You think cleanliness is making him sick?
Chase," Allergic reaction? We treated him with Vicodin, Clozapine, and one I.V. bag of Levodopa."
Taub, His condition started deteriorating before that.
House, Stop that Man! (the worker pauses) I need the meal card for the Patient in 243. (House hangs his cane on the cart and leafs through the list of Danny's meals) He's eating healthy! because he can. Most of the meals in here are vegetarian. (He hands the meal record book back to the worker and takes his cane off of the cart) Adult Refsum disease! Fits all the symptoms. His body can't process the phytanic acid and chlorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.
Masters, So if we change his diet!
Chase, We can save his life.
House," Run him through a plasmapheresis treatment to remove the excess phytanic acid from his blood. Confirm with gene testing. Okay, I gotta go get married."
Chase, They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it nEver did. So without further ado!
Chase," Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this Man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Dominika, I do.
Chase," And do you, Gregory House, take this Woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? (Dominika puts a ring on House's finger)"
House, Yep.
Chase," Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you Man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Chase," Those of you with cameras, please feel free to provide legal documentation."
Cuddy," It's okay. I'm just, angry at myself. I promised I wouldn't let this get to me. But it got to me."
Wilson," Just say the word, and we will climb out that window right now."
Cuddy, I wouldn't give House the satisfaction.
Wilson, You see? Things are getting back to normal.
Cuddy, Yeah! Normal.
Masters, Are you feeling better?
Danny," So all I have to do is eat the right kinds of food, and I'll be okay?"
Masters," Basically, yeah. It's pretty limiting, and it is for the rest of your life. But if you follow the diet and get checked up regularly, you should be fine."
Danny, Thank you! for not giving up on me.
Masters," You're not a bad person. You made mistakes, but we all do. Maybe when you get out of here, you can! go talk to someone! A professional."
Danny," Yeah. Yeah, some of those places you suggested had people on staff. You know, I think God really does have a plan for me. And all this! It was just his way of, testing my resolve. And I wouldn't have passed it without you."
Masters," See you tomorrow, Danny."
Danny, (He stops her before she leaves the room) That's not my real name.
Masters, It doesn't matter.
Dominika, I know this is not real marriage! but I really like you.
House, I like you too.
House, I can't.
Dominika, Why not?
House, I nEver sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch.
Masters, What's going on?
Foreman, Danny disappeared without checking out.
Masters, So you called the FBI?
Chase," We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA! When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country."
Masters, Alarm bells for what?
Foreman, He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in ten different states.
Chase, He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub, And we saved him.
House , Book you for 9:00?
Taxi Driver , Yeah. Uh-huh.
House , Take the day off.
Taxi Driver , Thank you.
House , All right.
House , So what did you do?
Thirteen , You figured out I was in jail but you don't know why?
House , I've been busy.
Thirteen , Excessive prescribing.
House ," Not that busy. I know that you pled down to excessive prescribing. The question was ""what did you DO?""�"
Masters , 36-year-old non-smoking junior high science teacher started coughing blood in the middle of homeroom.
Foreman [reading it] , House says he is gonna be out for the next three days.
Chase ," Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call."
Masters , He also said to call him if we find a case.
Foreman , Which we didn't.
Masters , What do you call this?
Chase [putting on his vest] , It could be a case. It could be nothing. Sadly we'll just nEver know.
Masters , He's coughing blood.
Foreman , A lot of people are. Right now I have to get to Vernon while there is still enough powder to ski on.
s cell phone as she puts it down on the table] , This is where a lesser Man would make a black guy skiing joke.
Chase [pissed at Masters] , You owe me a body shot.
House , Make it fast. I'm driving. I don't want to end up in jail like!
House , ! A person should who used their phone illegally while driving.
Masters ," 36-year-old male with hemoptysis, headaches, Parklls, and chest pain."
Foreman , Where are you?
House , On my way to the greater Schenectady Parkli cook-off and spud gun competition.
Taub , That's your Honeymoon? [Thirteen is caught off-guard by the question.]
House ," Nope, Dominika went to A.C. with her boyfriend."
Masters ," E.R. ruled out bronParktis, pneumonia, and lung cancer."
Chase ," So diagnosis! boring. It's epistaxis. It's a nosebleed. Blood runs into his lungs, he coughs it back up, flu explains the rest of the symptoms."
House ," Going once, going twice!"
Masters ," Toxic exposure to ammonia or sulfites can traumatize the lungs, cause neuralgias or fEvers. Fits better because of his radiating chest pain."
House , Sold. To Masters. [She smiles widely.] Do a home search for toxins. Draw cultures for bacteria and fungi.
Thirteen , You're married?
House , You were gone so long. [Thirteen looks at House with insistence.] Green card.
Thirteen , Thanks for not saying anything. I just need some time to!
House , I didn't do it for you. Some puzzles are just too good to share.
Thirteen , This is my exit.
Thirteen , Parkli?
House , I hate Parkli. Love spud guns.
Chase , You get nosebleeds?
Brian ," Yeah, yeah. You think that's where the blood came from?"
Chase , I don't just think it. I hope it.
Masters , When was the last time it happened?
Brian ," At the quarterfinals. I coach volleyball, and during warm-ups, I got hit in the nose a few months ago."
 , You coach volleyball in a gym?
Brian , Yes.
Chase , With showers?
Brian , Yes.
Chase , Clean showers?
Brian , Not particularly.
Chase ," The blood you were coughing up wasn't blood. Dirty gym washroom means serratia infection. Your lungs are full of red bacteria. [To Masters, sarcastically] You were right. That was an interesting case. You start him on Levaquin. [Walking away] I'll start looking for my good flip-flops."
Masters , Think that might be blood.
Thirteen ," What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory."
House ," First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [She clearly doesn't get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?"
Thirteen , I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.
House ," I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out."
Thirteen [giving up] , I don't Even have a change of clothes.
House , Damn. If only I'd planned for that.
House ," Okay. Here's what I've got. One: you were in jail for 6 months but you were gone about a year, which means that when you left, you hadn't been arrested. Two: you enjoy being known as a number, you don't want people to know the real you since the real you is weak. You were running a bleeding heart medical consulting business for illegals or some other sympathetic under-class."
Thirteen , No.
House , Over-class?
Thirteen , The interrogation thing is getting annoying.
House , Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50 percent less effective.
Thirteen [While looking at herself in the mirror] , Why are you so determined to bring me to this competition? Why don't you bring Wilson?
House , Wilson thinks it's stupid.
Thirteen , I think it's stupid! [She goes back inside the changing room.]
House ," Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion."
Thirteen , Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
House [under his breath] , Not that much.
House , I've been going to this contest for four years. For four years I've come second to a pissant named Harold Lam.
Thirteen , This is serious?
House , Second!
Thirteen ," Okay. I can help you, but I'm going to need to make a personal stop along the way."
House , What kind of stop?
Thirteen , Personal. Did I not mention that?
Foreman , You gonna tell me where you were last night?
Taub , I ran into a friend.
Foreman , We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.
Taub , You missed me.
Foreman , Not as much as I miss my $50. [Taub takes his wallet out and hands Foreman a 50-dollar bill.] Where'd you meet her?
Taub , At the hospital.
Foreman ," If it's Masters, just lie to me."
Taub [Slightly shocked] , Oh. It's the new CNA on the third floor.
Foreman , The redhead. She's hot.
Taub , And I'm seeing her again tomorrow night.
Foreman ," I don't know how you do it. Is it the cute, harmless vibe, the self-deprecating humor, or just straight-up roofies?"
Taub ," If you're interested, I do seminars."
 they are stunned to find that the House is almost completely filled with piles and piles of junk ," books, boxes, garbage bags, clothes, ! it's a real mess.]"
Taub ," No electric, no gas either. It's cold in here."
Foreman , The good thing is I found a guy who makes you look like a good roommate.
Taub , Maybe hoarding's a symptom. Could be caused by brain injury or early-onset Alzheimer's.
Foreman ," It's most likely that it's psychological. As to what's making him cough blood, dealer's choice."
Foreman ," How does this guy live, let alone make it to work Every day and teach a bunch of kids?"
] , Fridge is on. He's hooked it up to a neighbor or something. [He opens the top part of the fridge] Cat. [He opens the main door of the fridge and flies come out.] I might have to throw up.
Foreman ,"He'll want to keep that too. [As he leans to get a closer look to what's in the fridge, we see cans and plastic boxes of rotting food.] Aspergillosis. Explains the coughing blood and if he's formed small aspergillomas, it could explain the headache and chest pain."
Taub , I'll be in the car. [He heads out.]
Thirteen ," Okay, turn right."
House , You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He gets no answer from Thirteen.] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.
Thirteen ," No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught."
House ," I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've Ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies."
Thirteen , Pull over.
House , Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.
] ," Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still beliEve."
House , You're really not gonna tell me what just happened?
Thirteen ," I don't know about you, but I am starving."
Brian [shocked] , You broke into my home?
Taub , We slowly pushed into your home.
Brian , So what did you find?
Foreman , A compost heap in your fridge. We think you have aspergillosis. It's treatable with antifungals.
Taub , You do remarkably well for living! like you live.
Brian , I use bottled water and flashlights. It's like camping.
Foreman , Fun. We're also gonna need a psych consult.
Brian , I'm not a hoarder. I'm just a major slob.
Taub , You save earwax.
Thirteen ," You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?"
House , Where's the fun in that?
Thirteen [jokingly] , You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House [surprised] , Lucas?
Thirteen , Mm-hmm.
House , You don't know?
Thirteen ," What, is he dead or something?"
House [serious] ," No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend."
Thirteen ," You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. [She looks at him and from his silence, realizes that he really is telling the truth. Long awkward pause.] Are! are you okay?"
House [looking away]," Yeah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal."
Thirteen , I killed a Man.
Masters , Psych eval gave us nothing.
Foreman , So our Patient is just an average Joe with a two-foot pile of used q-tips?
Taub ," WhatEver he is, he doesn't have aspergillosis. Pain's intensified, and now he needs oxygen."
Chase , There's got to be all kinds of toxins in that place.
Taub ," Exposure issues don't make sense. He's been here a full day. He'd be getting better, not worse."
Foreman , Unless exposure was keeping him from getting worse. The gas was off at his place. How does he stay warm?
Masters , Portable heater?
Taub ," Or portable gas heater, which emits carbon monoxide."
Foreman ," Which is a vasodilator. The low-grade exposure was actually improving his lung capacity. We bring him here, he gets worse. If we're right, don't need House, and we still get two days off."
Chase , We still have to prove it. Someone's got to go back into that place and test for C.O. [He gets ready to rock-paper-scissor the decision.]
Masters , Chase and I can go. [Chase seems to disagree.] It's only fair.
Taub , Fairness is important.
Thirteen , You're awfully quiet.
House , Sorry. That's just how I get around people who have recently killed a Man.
Thirteen ," It wasn't! You know, I've had a pretty rough year. Do you think maybe we could just give this whole thing a rest?"
House , You killed a Man! But you pled out to drugs. Hit-and-run under the influence. Guy you kneed in the groin was your date who dropped a dime on you.
Thirteen , I'm asking you to let it go.
House [looking at Thirteen] , And I really wish I was the kind of person who could do that.
Foreman ," Ruby, right?"
Ruby , Yeah.
Foreman ," Hey, how are you liking PPTH?"
Ruby , It's great. Everyone's so friendly.
Foreman , Yeah. Especially Dr. Taub. Don't worry. I'm not gonna bust your chops. I just want to know one thing. How did he get you to go out with him?
Ruby [suspicious] , Why? Is! is there something!
Foreman ," No, no, no, no, he's! he's great. I'm! you know, I'm just asking because! [Awkward silent.] Well, he's! um!"
Foreman ," You know what, nEver mind. It's none of my business. You guys have fun tonight."
Ruby ," I'm not seeing him tonight. We had plans, but he canceled."
Woman on PA , Dr. Stern to Radiology. Dr. Stern to Radiology.
Thirteen , This thing's got no fuel valve. Means you can't regulate the input. [Pointing at a piece on the side of the gun.] And what is this? A barbecue lighter? [House's silence gives her a positive answer.] Your gun sucks.
Chase , You like it here.
Masters , You don't think this is fascinating?
Chase , Not nearly as fascinating as the fact that you think it's fascinating.
Masters , But this guy kept Everything he Ever came into contact with. An interactive life history.
Chase , It's an indiscriminate pile of rubbish.
Masters ," Well, for the most part, so are our lives."
Chase [checking readings on his beeping monitor] , There's no carbon monoxide. A bit of a blow to Foreman's exposure hypothesis and my plan to get out of here quickly.
Masters ," Maybe we don't just figure out the what, we figure out the why. Then maybe!"
Chase [throws something to Masters] ," From the size and the undigested seeds, I'm guessing this came from a raccoon."
Masters ," If you're thinking Q fEver, it fits."
Chase , So why are you still looking?
Masters ," Well, you only found one thing."
Chase , It fits perfectly.
Masters ," Yeah, but that doesn't mean!"
s startled by what she sees on the ground , two huMan feet out from underneath a blue tarp.]
Masters [in a hurry] , Chase.
Chase , You missed something at his place. His wife.
Brian , Nina.
Nina , I didn't know where you were.
Brian , I'm so sorry. I couldn't get home. You okay?
Chase , We think you both have Q fEver. Found raccoon feces in the kitchen cupboard. We're gonna start you on Doxycycline. [He leaves the room.]
Taub , Why wouldn't you tell us you're married?
Brian ," The fewer people who know about her, the easier it is."
Nina , When can I go back?
Brian , She gets anxious when she's away from her things.
Masters , She's the hoarder. He just lives there.
Taub , On purpose?
Brian , She's my wife.
Thirteen [sighs] , How do they not have 1/2-inch drill bits?
House ," By the way, Harold's pRobably gonna hit on you. Everything I have, he wants. Just turn him down flat. Unless!"
Thirteen [playing his game] , Yes. Let's stop shopping. I'll just do him and get him to throw the contest.
House , I'm not sugges! [Caught off-guard] Would you do that?
Thirteen [back to business] , How's this thing Judged?
House ," Hang time, distance, and accuracy. Okay, how about this? You met a guy in a club, you brought him home, he O.D.'d, so the guy now writhing on his front porch was the dealer who sold you the faulty goods."
Thirteen , Categories weighted the same?
House , Yup.
Thirteen ," Screw accuracy. We're gonna double distance and hang time, beat Harold on points. We need raw power. Where's the fertilizer? [She walks down another alley of the store.]"
House ," By all means, Kaczynski."
Chase , Hi. [pointing at the phone] You and Taub sharing phones now?
Foreman , He's seeing the redhead on the third floor.
Chase , Please tell me you're not talking about the hot new CNA with the dimples.
Foreman , She confirmed it. What she didn't confirm was their date tonight. He bailed on her.
Chase ," If he's standing her up, he must have something better going on."
Foreman , Better than sex with a 22-year-old? [looking at a text] Who's RT92?
Chase , Presumably a 21-year-old.
Foreman ," WhoEver it is, Taub's meeting 'em at my place at 8:00, which is usually when I go to the gym."
Chase , Guess you'll be missing spin class.
Man on PA ," Okay, contestants, the field is now open for practice. You've got one hour. Have fun."
Thirteen ," Schedule 80 PVC is pressure rated for 220 psi, fuel valve 300. We can easily push it to 250, have your friend Harold peeing in his pants."
Thirteen [clearly impressed] , Damn.
House , Be cool.
House , Harold.
Harold , House. You look good. I like that jacket on you.
House , Thanks. You filled out a little.
Harold [noticing Thirteen in the back] , Who's the babe?
House , She's the boot in your ass. Perhaps you've heard of famed Russian physicist Olga Petrovich?
Harold [smiling] , Olga Petrovich is 72 years old.
House , And her granddaughter works at a little place called JPL.
Harold [enjoying this] , I did an internship there last summer.
House , She killed a Man.
Thirteen [getting up] , No.
Harold [mockingly] , I'm guessing she didn't do it with a spud gun.
Thirteen , Just a bad combustion valve.
House [pissed] , Shut up.
Foreman , On my sofa.
Rachel [embarrassed] ," Hi, Eric."
Foreman , Hey! RT92.
Thirteen , I hope you like rhubarb.
Thirteen ," We're celebrating. We're going rogue. [She takes off her vest, picks up a black tank top and goes into the bathroom to change.]"
Thirteen ," We rip out the combustion valve, replace it with disks. With enough pressure, it should blow out at maximum velocity."
House , Turning the spud into spudnik. What do we use for disks?
Thirteen ," Well, here's a hint. I actually hate rhubarb."
House [looking at the boxes] , Pie tins. You're a genius. You know that I'm a doctor. Any interest I have in the huMan body is purely clinical.
Thirteen [getting out of the bathroom] ," Yeah, that line nEver works for me either."
House , That line always works for you.
House , So what did you do?
Thirteen , No more guessing?
House [kind of desperate] ," I need to know. [She won't answer.] I can make some phone calls, see if we can speed up your medical board hearing. In the meantime, no one could stop me from hiring an assistant."
Thirteen [looking down] ," You were right this morning. I met a guy at a coffee shop, we went back to my place, and he O.D.'d."
House , Damn. I could have saved myself a job offer.
Thirteen , We both acted like idiots. And I ended up doing time. Guess he did more.
Brian ," When we first moved into the House, we had people over all the time. Then she started collecting things. I figured it was a hobby. Piles turned into art projects, and art projects turned into what you saw."
Masters , So why do you stay?
Brian ," To Everyone else, the world is full of junk! meaningless, ugly, broken things. But to Nina, Every shape, Every color, texture, smell, they all tell a story. They're all worth treasuring. I wouldn't wish what she has on anyone, but Every now and then I get a glimpse of what she sees, and! It helps."
Masters , Your lungs are clearing up nicely. Respiratory rate's normal. Temp's normal. Looks like you're gonna be fine.
Brian [worried] , She okay?
Masters , Something's wrong with her heart.
Taub , The husband is fine. The wife is worse. She had a heart attack.
Masters , Her heart attack could be from a complication.
Taub ," Q fEver would cause congestive heart failure, not myocardial infarction."
Chase , So she had Q fEver and something else that causes heart attack?
House ," And the hoarding. Now that the wife is the only Patient, hoard is back on the board."
Chase , Or we were wrong about Q fEver. I don't buy it's just a coincidence.
House ," It's not a coincidence. Diagnosis X caused the hoarding, which caused the Q fEver when the raccoons came to spend spring break at her House. Now all we have to do is solve for X."
Taub ," I remember somebody saying that hoarding could be a symptom. We should do an MRI. Hydrogen sulfide. It's given off by eggs and rotting food. Long-term exposure could cause the pulmonary issues, headaches!"
Chase , Even the heart attack. Hydrogen sulfide is also a vasodilator.
House ," Which my crack team nEver tested the place for. Of course, half my crack team nEver tested the place for people."
Masters ," So we should go back, check it out."
Chase , Might be safer to just assume we're right and start treatment.
House , Go with God. And some air freshener.
Foreman ," You know, maybe Taub is right, so I'm gonna stay here with him and help him with the MRI.`"
Man on PA ," Shine up your spuds, folks. We're gonna start shooting for hang time in just a few minutes."
House , The wind's coming from the southeast. You have to aim five degrees to the left. [He adjusts the spud-gun.]
Thirteen ," We're gonna break 14 seconds. I can feel it. [Smiling] When I was 10 or 11, my dad used to take us to this county fair. And there was this kid! [House looks confused.] What?"
House ," Who's ""us""?"
Thirteen , My mom and me.
House [figuring something out] , Your mom who had advanced stage Huntington's. [Thirteen looks uncomfortable.] You have a sibling that you've nEver mentioned. Why did you slip up now?
Thirteen , Not Everything means something. We're gonna be up soon. I want to check the pressure. She picks up the gun and walks away.]
House , You don't wake up in the middle of the night to cry over a dead stranger. You don't confess to killing a Man and then hide the details unless the details rEveal more about you than the crime itself. [pause] You pled down to drugs. You've got a horrible genetic disease and a sibling who's suddenly on your mind.
House , You euthanized your brother. And that guy back at the House was the doctor who wouldn't help you cover it up.
Thirteen [holding back her tears] , The guy back at the House is my cellmate's boyfriend. He cheated on her when she was inside.
House , But I was right about Everything else.
Thirteen , Congratulations. [She walks away. House is speechless.]
Taub , You're mad.
Foreman ," No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case."
Taub , I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.
Foreman ," Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it."
Taub ," You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry, [slightly laughing] but it was worth it."
Foreman ," Yeah, I bet. You get to mess with her physically and emotionally."
Taub , I still care about her.
Foreman ," Not enough to let her move on with her life. While we're talking about your bad ideas, MRI's clean."
Masters , There has to be some kind of inciting psychological incident.
Chase , This is perfect for you. You get all the huMan interaction you crave without any actual huMan interaction.
Masters [going through old yearbooks] , She was a cheerleader. Huh.
Chase ," You know when you're interested in something and nobody else is, the polite thing is to keep it to yourself."
Masters ," Popular, beautiful, gregarious."
Chase , Hydrogen sulfide's about two parts per billion. The size of a healthy fart. I'll be back for you in July.
Thirteen [with red eyes from all the crying] ," He couldn't do it himself. He was! the disease had progressed too far. He was flailing. He didn't have any control over his own body. He pretty much lost control of his mind too, but! Every once in a while, he would have a few seconds of lucidity. He turned to me, and he said, ""it's time."" I hooked up the I.V. I used gloves. I knew they'd get me on the drugs, but they couldn't prove who pushed the plunger. [She pauses to cry.] I put in the needle, and he just! Got quiet. And it was over. [Pause, she seems reliEved.] And I was alone. And one day, I will be that sick, and there will be no one there when it's time."
Thirteen [letting the anger come in] ," I didn't expect compassion from you. I would have taken commiseration. Hell, I would have taken revulsion, any emotional engagement at all. [She pauses.] It's no wonder Cuddy broke up with you."
Harold ," Dumped in a field in Schenectady. Ouch. You mind if I make a move? I know she's out of my league, but she's at a spud gun contest with the soon-to-be five-time runner-up, so she's pRobably got some self-esteem issues."
Harold [holding his hands up] , You wouldn't.
Thirteen , So?
House , Warning.
Thirteen [surprised] , They gave you a warning?
House ," Well, it turns out our friend Harold felt up the sheriff's daughter last night at the potato mash mixer, so sheriff's feeling kind of ambivalent."
Thirteen ," You always get your way, don't you?"
House , Not always. [resigned] Today would have been our one-year anniversary. [pause] Which is an incredibly arbitrary thing to celebrate.
Masters ," If you want to get to the bottom of something, you literally have to dig down to the bottom. So stratigraphically, the oldest stuff I found was in the bedroom. And the oldest stuff in the bedroom was in the closet. And at the bottom of the closet! Tell me about this. [She pulls out a baby's onesie form the box.]"
Masters , We have a new symptom. Infertility. They wanted kids but couldn't have them. She started collecting things to fill the void. We should run a full hormone blood panel.
House ," Hey, Harriet the Spy, before you get too full of yourself, you might want to go back to bio 101. It takes two to not-tango."
Taub , Hubby could be shooting blanks.
House , So either it's a new symptom that will help us save her life or it's a complete waste of time.
House ," Figure out which is fried, the bacon or the eggs."
Masters , I'll start the hormone workup.
Thirteen , There's another option.
Foreman [suspicious] ," House, who's that?"
House , Radio. [Thirteen looks both amused and bothered that she's been recognized.]
Foreman , Sounded a lot like! Thirteen.
House ," It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, ""I've got a better theory than Masters."""
Thirteen , She said they nEver had kids.
Taub ," Oh, my God. Where the hell have you been?"
House [trying to change the subject] , I think we've all got something a little more important to worry about than!
Chase ," No, we don't. She's been missing for a year."
House ," You can ask her all about it when she comes in on Monday. [He gives Thirteen a look, she slightly smiles.]"
Masters [worried] , Monday? This Monday?
Thirteen ," Can I talk? She said they nEver had kids, and you all jumped to infertility. You nEver considered the other option."
House , And the bitch is back. [They both smile.]
Masters , We think you have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. It would explain the symptoms. It also causes miscarriages. Is that something you think you might have?
Brian , Were you pregnant?
Nina , Three times.
Masters , The miscarriages triggered the hoarding. Hoarding Eventually made you sick too.
Brian [in shock] , Can you cure her?
Masters ," We can treat the physical symptoms as they arise, make her life a lot better, but the hoarding, we're the wrong kind of doctors."
Brian [To Nina] , You lied to me? For nine years?
Nina [crying] , I was so afraid of losing you.
Brian , What have I Ever done to make you afraid of that? [He sobs.] I need to get some air.
Taub , I've been selfish. I need to let you move on. I think we should stop seeing each other.
Rachel , No.
Taub ," Um, I just want you to be able to!"
Rachel ," The last time you got all noble on me, we ended up dividing our dishes. This time, I want to make the decision."
Taub , You don't feel weird about this?
Rachel ," Of course I feel weird about this. It's confusing and messy and dirty. Dumb. But we spent our whole lives trying to do Everything right, and it sucked."
Taub , It wasn't all bad.
Rachel ," It sucked, Chris. And this, [She puts her arm around his shoulder.] whatEver it is, it's fun."
Taub , So I'm not taking advantage of you?
Rachel , The fun is fading.
Taub , You know! there's something seriously wrong with us.
Rachel , I know.
House ," Home, sweet home."
House , You owe me 87 bucks for gas.
House , I'll kill you.
House ," When the time comes, if you want me to."
House , I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.
Thirteen , I'll see you Monday.
Masters, Cranial nerves. On old Olympus' towering tops a friendly Viking grew vines and hops. Olfactory. Optic. Oculomotor.
Masters, Vagus. Accessory. Causes of edema: A.L.I.V.E. Allergic!
Masters," Differentials for swollen scrotum: T.H.E.A.T.R.E.S. English spelling. Torsion, hernia!"
Masters, Epididymal cyst. S-syphilis.
Donovan, Enough with the drilling. We're third year. No more exams.
Masters, You don't have to face House Every day.
Donovan," [pouring a cup of coffee] And after today, neither do you. Here's to no more coming home in tears."
Masters," It's kind of like coming to the end of an extreme roller-coaster. Even with the terror, nausea, and whiplash. I'm a little sad that it's over."
Donovan, Let's go. You got your procedure log?
Masters," Oh, I'm not quite done. I still have one more lumbar puncture."
Donovan, It's due today. Unless you want to blow off becoming a doctor and get another PhD.
Masters, I know. I'm gonna get it done.
Donovan, I thought you'd have that thing finished like six months ago.
Masters, I've been busy.
Masters," Oh, come on, Cruz. Let me do this. I need it for my log."
Cruz," Wait, you aren't done yet?"
Masters, I've been busy.
Cruz, What's in it for me?
Masters," The satisfaction that comes from helping out a classmate? [He gives her a ""give me a break""� look.] How about cash?"
Donovan, [walking up behind Masters] Have you talked to House?
Masters," It's 6:00 am. He won't be in for a few hours. [to Cruz, whispering] I keep a roll of quarters in the car!"
Donovan, I just turned in my log and guess what I saw. There's an opening in the Diagnostics Department.
Cruz, House wants an intern?
Masters, He's nEver had one before.
Donovan, You gotta figure he doesn't want an intern. He wants you.
Masters," Uh, you must be Dr! Thirteen."
Thirteen, Thirteen. Nice to meet you.
Chase, You're back.
Thirteen, Hi.
Chase, Hi.
Foreman, What the hell happened to you? Why'd you lie about going to Rome?
House," [loudly, from his office] You'd lie too if you bottomed out, ended up in! drug rehab. [He takes some pills.]"
Thirteen," Thank you, House, for respecting my privacy. What a perfect reminder that I'm back."
Foreman, I didn't Even know you had a pRoblem.
House," Loved ones are always the last to know. Loved ones and Robotic, estranged ex-boyfriends. Our Patient is Kendall Pearson. 16-year-old aspiring pirate."
Chase, She's that Canadian kid who's trying to be the youngest person to sail around the world.
House," Collapsed yesterday during a practice run. Luckily for us, cameras were there. [He hits a button on the remote and an overhead shot of a sailboat with one person on deck comes on the TV.] Corporate sponsors want us to check that's she seaworthy before the clock strikes ""you're too old to set a record."" Gives us three days. [to Masters] You've still only got one, right?"
Masters," Uh, last day as a student. Could be simple dehydration. She told the Coast Guard she had felt dizzy."
House, Pulse and BP were normal at the time of the rescue. It's not dehydration. What about your internship? You sign up this morning?
Masters," [quietly, just to House] Actually, I'm still deciding. [to the whole team] Uh. Maybe she had a seizure and that's what caused her collapse."
Thirteen, Coast Guard report says no sign of head trauma.
Taub," But what about her back? Look. [He replays part of the DVD] Right before the collapse, she hit the small of her back on the railing. Damaged adrenal glands caused adrenal insufficiencies, which caused the collapse."
House," Nice. Blood draws Every 15 minutes for four hours. Let's track her cortisol. Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least, that's what they tell people who make crappy choices."
Chase, What's with the sudden interest in her future?
House," [Sighs] You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O! gets curious about who ends up wielding it."
Foreman, No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here.
Taub, And you're considering this?
Masters," Before I make my decision, I still have one more LP I need to get. So I'd like to go to the E.R."
House," Thirteen, why don't you take Masters to do the blood draws. You can remind her about all the perks of working for me."
Kendall, Behind the deck. Port side.
Thirteen," If her adrenal hormone lEvels are consistently low, we'll replace them. You'll be ready to launch Thursday."
Kendall, Great. Inside cabin facing the bow.
Bobby," Sorry, K, I need to borrow mom."
Paige, The sponsors?
Bobby," No, Couric's people kicking up a fuss about rescheduling the interview."
Masters, I can take over. [She shows Kendall the next picture.]
Kendall, Ceiling of the galley.
Masters, Right. The last time I was on a boat was my freshMan mixer in college. I didn't so much mix as hurl.
Kendall, Too much to drink?
Masters," No, I was 13."
Kendall, And in college?
Masters," Yeah, I know. Weird."
Kendall," I was thinking ""cool."""
Thirteen," We'll be back for the next blood draw in 15 minutes. Unless, of course, you'd like to stay and continue bonding over your lost Parkldhoods."
Kendall," Listen, I have a ton of prep work to do to be ready to launch. Is there any way"
Thirteen," Mm, I'm afraid not."
Masters, Unless you're up for getting on a treadmill. We could stress her body. See if her adrenals respond. It would only take a half an hour.
Thirteen, All right.
Masters, It's about an LP.
Thirteen, Go. I'll handle this.
Masters," Um, Dr. Cuddy, can I come by your office later? I'd love to get some advice."
Cuddy," Uh, I-I'm in meetings all afternoon. Try me tomorrow."
Masters," Tomorrow? This is! this is my last day as a medical student. So I've got this decision to make. PRobably the biggest decision of my career. Which means maybe the biggest decision of my life. Although, I guess, if I get married! Um, House has opened up an internship."
Cuddy," You do realize if you take it, he'll pRobably end up firing you again?"
Masters, He's always hired me back.
Cuddy, And he'll continue mocking and insulting you whatEver chance he gets.
Masters, It's certainly toughened me up. You're trying to get me to say good things about him.
Cuddy, No. I'm trying to make you make your own decision and leave me alone. Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is! can you?
Masters," Thanks, Dr. Cuddy."
Masters, You paged me down here and now you're doing my LP?
Cruz, I got bored waiting.
Masters, It's been two minutes. This is your 11th.
Cruz," 14th. Listen, your roommate, is she hooking up with that resident?"
Masters, I got to find House.
Thirteen," Rehab? Great cover story. Now I can't Ever drink around those guys again, thus eliminating my main bond with Chase."
House, Save the attitude for someone who didn't just get you your medical license back. Price you pay.
Masters, There's a Parkcken in your office.
House," No, there isn't."
Masters, You lied about rehab?
Thirteen," Oh, great."
House," Relax. She's completely honest, but also completely boring. Watch this. Don't tell anyone."
Masters, Of course not. [Thirteen leaves. Masters looks into the Patient bay.] You did an LP? Why didn't you page me?
House," Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to do one of those? You should've spoken up. You want the job or not?"
Masters," Um, I! after careful consideration, I have decided to accept your offer for an internship."
House, Great. My department has a slightly different procedure log.
Masters," Uh, you forged the last one. I only did nine LPs."
House, Do you know how to do an LP?
Masters, Of course.
House," Do you know how to do nine LPs and say it was ten? It's time to grow up. Turn that in, the job's yours. [Her pager beeps] Stop staring blankly and go. No doubt something horrible has just happened to our Patient."
Thirteen, Her hand turned completely blue during the treadmill test. We put her on vasodilators. Restored enough blood flow so she won't lose any fingers.
Foreman, Rules out adrenal insufficiency. [They reach the Diagnostics office.] Where's House? He said to meet him here.
Masters, His Parkcken's gone.
Chase, PRobably on the balcony.
Masters, You knew he had a Parkcken? How come�?
House, Down here! [House is by the elevators. He's looking at the floor and taking baby steps.] Loss of consciousness plus she's slowly turning blue. Can we rule out magical gum?
Chase, Low cardiac output can cause both. Patient possibly has cardiomyopathy. Possibly caused by Mercury poisoning from all the tuna fish she eats at sea.
Masters," Uh, why are you putting, um, Parkcken footprints on the floor?"
House, That clEver bastard Wilson got a hold of an Australorp.
Masters, Ah.
House, Hello? The quietest and calmest of all the Parkckens.
Taub, Damn him. Mercury poisoning is out. Red blood cells have normal morphology.
Thirteen, Raynaud's. Vasospasm in the ulnar artery would explain the hand.
Foreman, But not the loss of consciousness. Cerebral vasospasm explains both.
House, Cerebral vasospasm makes sense. Take Thirteen. Give the Patient a calcium channel blocker infusion in the basilar artery. [He sees the log in Masters' hands.] Masters. I thought you were going to turn that in.
Masters," Um, I, um, been busy with my Patient."
House, You're not busy now. [Standoff. She leaves.] Bawwwwwwk bawk.
Donovan, Masters. Still haven't turned in your log?
Masters, Still haven't gotten my tenth LP.
Donovan, I was thinking maybe you should take House's internship.
Masters, First you act like it's the equivalent of volunteering to be waterboarded and now you're supporting it?
Donovan, You're weird. You make paper airplanes for fun and hang them from the ceiling. You have a membership to the Einstein Museum and an overbearing obsession with facial symmetry.
Masters, It indiCates freedom from disease. We're biologically programmed to�
Donovan, The point is you rub people the wrong way. But House is okay with your lack of bedside Manner. He's okay with your willingness to argue any point with anyone Even if they outrank you. He's okay with your peculiar fashion sense.
Masters, It's peculiar?
Donovan," House doesn't think you're weird, which is weird, but good weird. [She looks past Masters.] Is that a Parkcken?"
Masters, I think it's an Australorp. I'm gonna go check on my Patient.
Masters, Can someone please explain to me what House and Wilson are doing with those Parkckens?
Thirteen, They have a bet to see who can keep a Parkcken in the hospital the longest without getting busted by security. Advancing past the vertebral artery.
Masters, And why are they doing this?
Foreman, The place they bought them only had one pig. I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today.
Masters, Really? You want me to stay?
Foreman, It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.
Masters," If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in."
Foreman, Find a way around them.
Masters," I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying."
Thirteen," Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth. Catheter's in. Start the calcium channel blocker drip."
Masters, Means I need another LP.
Thirteen," Luckily, I know where you can get one. [to Foreman] You good here? [to Masters] Let's go."
Thirteen, Mm. Decent stick. Very smooth.
Masters, Sounds like you've had a few of these. Suppose that comes with the territory.
Thirteen, I have Huntington's. No need to get hushed and solemn about it.
Masters, Why are you lying about rehab?
Thirteen, Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
Masters, Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
Thirteen," [amused] How long have you worked here? House's people have personalities that range from nosy to ""pardon me while I do this cavity search."""
Masters, Do you think there's room for someone who does things differently?
Thirteen, No. Not unless House decides that's what he wants.
Foreman," During catheter removal, I got a good look at her cerebral midline. Pineal gland is calcified."
Thirteen, Case closed. I'll start her on hormone therapy. Ship her out. [She starts to leave.]
Masters, I handed in my log.
House," On your way to do that, did you happen to stop and give Thirteen an LP? Thirteen's stiff gate, small pupils, and the raging headache she's hiding gave you away."
Masters, Yes. And I still broke a rule.
House, My rule. Told you to defy the Man. Not this Man.
Masters, Why is it so wrong that I don't like to cheat?
Thirteen, Can we go?
House, No. Not liking it is fine. Not doing what you don't like makes you an eight-year-old. Wastes your potential. [He sits at his computer and starts typing.]
Masters, You want me to be like you. It's not going to happen.
House, That's the last thing I want. 'Cause then neither one of us would be exceptional.
Masters, You think I'm exceptional?
House, Not anymore.
Masters, I can do my job without compromising.
House," No, you can't. 'Cause I'm not gonna let you. Internship's gone. It's time for Masters to say good-bye. Enjoy being a surgeon. You'll be fine."
Masters, Surgery. Anatomy. Branches off the subclavian artery. Vitamin C and D. V-I-T. Vitamin. V: Vertebral. I: Internal carotid � internal thoracic. Internal thoracic. T: Thyrocervical. C: Costocervical.
Masters, Martha M. Masters. That's me. I'm gonna be a surgeon.
Guard, Next.
Simpson, Welcome to your surgical internship at P.P.T.H. The senior residents stand behind you. We'll all get to know each other soon enough. Grab a donut and get to work.
Resident, We're out of donuts.
Simpson," Then, uh, get to work."
Simpson, Little oozing. Isolated the left subclavian.
Resident, Suction.
Simpson, You got to do better than that. Can't see a thing.
Masters, Push calcium chloride. It will supercharge the platelets and increase the clotting.
Simpson, Two amps calcium chloride. Tell the blood bank to set up three units of packed red cells. Field is clear. Nice.
Simpson," Generally speaking, pledges aren't supposed to talk unless they ask a question. That's because, generally speaking, pledges don't have anything to say."
Masters," Um, K.P. Is that Patient Kendall Pearson? I thought she was discharged."
Simpson, Mm. It's a House case. I nEver know what that guy's up to. I want you to scrub in on my lung harvest.
Masters, But it's my first day.
Simpson," Yes, I know. I was there. Be scrubbed and ready in 15 minutes."
Masters," What happened? Last I heard, you were going home."
Bobby," Kendall collapsed in the Parking lot. They're doing something called a ""sympathectomy."""
Masters, She must've had a hypertensive crisis caused by a neural overstimulation in her kidneys. So they're cutting the nerves. It's like cutting the gas line to an engine.
Bobby," Yeah, sounds like what Dr. Taub said. Said it's basic surgery, but!"
Masters, It is. You should still be on pace for a launch in 36 hours.
Bobby, Her mom's packing the boat now. I'm supposed to pick up some dry ice. But!
Masters, Nothing you can do for her here.
Boby, [Sighs] Um! we're just trying to help our daughter reach her dream.
Masters, She's different. So you have to be different. I'll make sure she's okay.
Bobby, Thanks.
Simpson, You can see the full lobular structure of the left lung.
Masters, [Gasps] BifurCate innominate artery. I've nEver seen one of those before.
Simpson," Hold this, Masters."
Resident, Rib spreaders.
Nurse Hoffner, You guys okay if I pull a circulating nurse? We got a train wreck in O.R. ten.
Simpson, You got it. Proximal end attached.
Masters, Can someone take the retractors from me?
Simpson, Not really.
Masters, I have to use the bathroom.
Resident," I know you're a rookie, but you got to be kidding."
Masters, I'm not.
Simpson, It can wait.
Masters, I'm gonna have an accident.
Simpson," Next one in line, grab it."
Masters, What's wrong?
Foreman, Hypotension. Low cardiac output. Float the swan.
House, [from the observation deck.] Don't you have your own surgery?
Masters, I took a break. I told them I had to pee.
House, You lied. Small one. But it's a gateway lie.
Masters, I care about the Patient.
House, Another lie. You care about being exceptional.
Masters, I told her dad I was gonna take care of her.
House, A third lie. Welcome to the slippery slope.
Taub, RA is 8. Equalization of pressures.
Foreman, Means she has restrictive pericarditis.
Chase, Add that to a calcified pineal gland.
House," When is a calcified pineal gland not a calcified pineal gland? I realize, technically, it's nEver, but�"
Thirteen, When it's a granuloma. It's Wegener's. We should start her on steroids.
Masters, But she had a high CK. Wegener's wouldn't explain the�
Taub, Dehydration does.
Masters, Yes. But the calcified pineal could be sarcoidosis.
House," You had me at ""I had to pee."" But Thirteen's right. Start her on three fold immunosuppressants. Masters, if you want to fight me on this, fill out a consult form so you can stick around. Welcome back."
Masters, I'm not back! I'll just be staying for this case.
House, You got really good at this lying thing.
Simpson, Hope it was one hell of a whiz.
Masters, I ran into Dr. House. He requested a surgical consult for his Patient.
Simpson, House nEver asks for a consult.
Masters," Something about this case, he needed a little more help."
Simpson," First day of your surgical internship, you want to be loaned out to another department. Interesting career move. Drop the form by my office. Don't stay away too long. I'm already well on my way to forgetting you. [He leaves.]"
Cruz, How about I take both you lovely ladies out for a drink?
Donovan, I'd love to. Except I think you're a cretin. And the last time she was at a bar was ballet class.
Masters, I didn't take � Oh. [snorts] That's funny. I'm gonna stay and run a few extra tests on House's Patient. This one lab value doesn't make sense to me.
Donovan, You're back with House?
Masters, Mm. Just this one case. I'm not staying.
Cruz," I would kill for a chance to work with him. Like, literally skin you and wear you as a disguise."
Wilson, Oh!
House, You want yours extra crispy or original recipe?
Masters, [sitting upright] Parkckens!
Masters, You Ever get sick from poultry?
Kendall," Um, a few months ago from this pheasant-in-a-can my dad got me as a joke. You think that's why I'm sick?"
Masters, I think that can was chock-full of a bacteria called salmonella enteritis. Likes to hang out in the bones. Let me know if any of this is tender or painful.
Kendall," Um, this bacteria thing, is this good news or bad?"
Masters," Well, if I'm right, that means all you'll need are antibiotics. And you'll be, uh, well, shipshape. Sorry. Couldn't resist. Did you always know that sailing was it for you? That it was the right thing?"
Kendall," Didn't Even start till I was ten. And at first, I was not a fan. Certainly there's plenty not to like about sailing."
Masters, But now that you're so into it!
Kendall," Oh, no, there's still plenty of things I hate about it. I hate being wet. I hate being cold. I hate eating nothing but freeze-dried food."
Masters, That is quite the endorsement.
Kendall," Sailing is amazing. But doesn't mean I love Every second on the boat. Doing what you love means dealing with things you don't. If there were nothing to overcome, it might not be that� [Winces] Ow."
Chase, Salmonella enteritis is a nice catch.
Masters, Thanks. Starting on the soft tissue windows.
Chase," Once this case is over, you going back to surgery?"
Masters, That's the plan.
Chase, I think that's a mistake. I think you should go back to surgery.
Masters, I just said I was.
Chase, No. You said it was your plan. Which means House might be right. And you might be lying to yourself.
Masters, Would it be so terrible? You chose House over surgery.
Chase, My time here changed me in ways not Everyone in my life thought was for the better. No masses. Moving on to bone windows.
Masters, Were those people right?
Chase," I think when you do change, it's not so simple to go back. There. In the humerus."
Masters, Doesn't look like an infection.
Chase, That's because it looks like cancer.
Masters, You have lymphoid sarcoma. A cancer in the bone in your arm.
Kendall, Am I going to be okay?
Masters, It's a treatable cancer. But part of that treatment involves amputating your arm. I'm sorry.
Kendall, There's nothing else?
Masters, Um.! we can do chemo and radiation after the amputation.
Kendall," I don't mean after. I mean instead of. If I leave soon, I still have time to break the record."
Bobby," Honey, you can't be serious."
Kendall," I feel fine. Last night, they thought it was an infection."
Masters, We know it's cancer. We ran the biopsy three times.
Kendall, You don't know how fast�
Masters, Postponing the surgery could increase the likelihood that the cancer will spread.
Paige," Kendall, you need to think about what the doctor's saying."
Kendall, I'm thinking about the sail. Like I have since I was ten. Don't take this away from me. It's just a month. I can take extra precautions. I'll Skype you Every day and I can fly back if something goes wrong.
Masters, She'll be risking her life.
Paige, I think we need to discuss this as a family.
Masters, You're considering this? Your daughter's condition�
Paige," Thank you, Dr. Masters."
Bobby, She's not budging. She wants to launch tomorrow.
Masters," She's a minor. You sign the consent form, we can do the surgery. Amputation can be an emo�"
Bobby, She's talked my wife into agreeing with her.
Masters, One parent's signature is enough. [long pause while she waits for him to agree] She needs you to be a parent.
Bobby, You're asking me to blow up my family.
Masters, I'm asking you to save your family.
Bobby," On her first solo Atlantic crossing, she scheduled a court date to become an eMancipated minor. She'll do it again and she'll win. She is gonna do what she's gonna do with or without me. I'd rather have it be with."
Masters, I'm stuck.
House," No, you're not. Case is over. You're back to surgery. [He casts off. The lure lands at Masters' feet.] And fetch. [The dog runs to grab it.] Oh, that's a good boy. Oh, that's a good boy. Hey, good boy."
Masters, No one will stop Kendall's sail. You need to step in.
House, [reeling the lure back in] Sign on the door says I'm a diagnostician. Cool diagnosis means I'm finished.
Masters, She could die.
House," [casting off again] Pretty sure the law of the land states that Everyone has the right to be an idiot. [The dog is staring intently at the lure. He starts to edge toward it.] Uh! [The dog stops.] I think it's the second amendment. Fetch! [The dog bounds after the lure.] Bring it here, boy. Who's a good boy?"
Masters," You are constantly railing against hypocrisy, forcing people to face the truth. This time nothing?"
House, [reeling the lure in] Yeah. 'Cause they faced the truth.
Masters, And made a decision that will in all likelihood kill their daughter.
House, I'm fine with that. I wanted a diagnosis. I got it. What do you want?
Masters, I don't want her to die.
House, Break the rules.
Masters, I can't.
House," So coloring inside the lines is more important to you than saving this girl's life? I was wrong about one thing, you are not exceptional. [casts off again] And fetch! Ho ho ho. Oh, that's a good boy. Good boy. Good boy."
Masters," Dr. Wilson. Um, I'd like to get your advice about a cancer Patient."
Wilson, Kendall Pearson. Oncology rounds. Everyone's talking about it. Oh. [Wh winces and reaches behind himself.]
Masters, Are you okay?
Wilson," Yeah, my back's acting up."
Masters, Oh. Um! so what would you do?
Wilson, I would keep trying to convince her to have the surgery.
Masters, And if she kept saying no?
Wilson, I would just keep� [winces] Keep � keep trying.
Masters, I know there's a Parkcken under there.
Wilson," Oh, thank God. It's pecked through one pair of my loafers."
Masters, So that's all you'd do?
Wilson, That's all you can do.
Masters," Is it? [Wilson grabs for his back again. There's a loud Parkcken cluck. Wilson reaches under his desk, pulls out a red Parkcken and puts it on his desk.] Isn't that House's Parkcken?"
Wilson, Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I Ever agreed to this bet.
Masters, So call it off.
Wilson," And lose $20? Listen, House was in the exact same situation Kendall's in. He needed surgery, but he didn't want it. Once he was in medically-induced coma, his girlfriend signed the consent form as his proxy. They went ahead with the surgery against his will. PRobably saved his life."
Masters, So she did the right thing?
Wilson, Depends on who you ask.
House," [unseen, from the hallway] Fetch!"
Wilson, No! No!
Guard, Excuse me. Who's responsible for this Parkcken? Does anyone know who owns the Parkcken?
Wilson, [loudly and clearly] That bird belongs to! Dr. Gregory House.
Masters, You need to do this surgery.
Kendall, I will.
Masters, Now.
Kendall, We've been through this. I'm leaving today.
Masters, It's a stupid record.
Kendall, It's not about the record. I used to race against other people. I could have the slowest boat in the fleet and I'd win.
Masters, So it's about being better than Everyone else?
Kendall," It has nothing to do with anybody except me. The other racers would think I was crazy. I'd set off on some tacking angle that made no sense to them because they couldn't see what I saw. I could sense the changes in the wind before they Even happened. At the top of the game, you play by different rules."
Masters, [unhappy but nodding] Medicine's gonna burn a little bit. [She hangs the IV]
Foreman, Bradycardic arrest. Third degree heart block.
Chase, Likely paraneoplastic syndrome.
Foreman, We need to get her to the O.R. For pacemaker or plasmapheresis.
Paige, What's going on?
Masters," The cancer is causing her heart to slow down. We have to get her to the O.R. and treat her. This is what I was worried about. If this had happened at sea, she would be dead."
Paige," Oh, my God."
Masters, We need you to sign the consent form. Authorize us to amputate her arm.
Chase, Subclavian access established.
Taub, Temporary pacer ready.
Masters, Don't need it. Push calcium chloride. It'll fix the heart block. Bradycardia was me.
Thirteen, You did this?
Masters, Parents signed the consent form. Amputate her arm.
Kendall, What happened?
Masters," You had a cardiac episode that required us to bring you into the O.R. That crisis resolved, but�"
Kendall, What did you do? What did you do?
Masters," During surgery, we found cancer in a lymph node in your neck."
Kendall, So you cut off my arm?
Masters, Cancer was already spreading. It had to be done.
Kendall, [Crying] I told you I didn't want this.
Masters, If we had waited until after the sail was over you would have died.
Kendall, [Crying] That record. That was Everything.
Bobby, It wasn't Everything. You have a life. A future.
Kendall, You weren't supposed to do this. How could you?
Paige, Because we love you.
Kendall, I hate you. I hate both of you.
Bobby, Okay.
Kendall, My arm. My arm.
Paige," Dr. Masters, thank you."
House, Someone has got their pouty face on.
Masters, I did things no doctor in their right mind would do.
House, Good.
Masters," I Manipulated, lied, forged, stole."
House, I don't want to know the specifics. Might be called to testify.
Masters, I broke the rules because I beliEved I was right.
House, You were right.
Masters," Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up."
House, And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.
Masters, I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.
House," Well, you can't always get what you want. [Wilson opens the door and House hands him a twenty.] To the victor of the spoils. Your bird recover okay?"
Wilson," Physically, yes. Emotionally, it was a long night. Next week: Ferrets?"
Masters, House. I can't do it. I'm leaving.
House, Surgery?
Masters, I! don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know I don't want to be here.
House, Nothing will Ever be simple again.
Masters, I'm fine with that.
Masters, Ooop.
Cyrus , Jennifer Williams?
Woman , And you are?
Cyrus ," Cyrus. Cyrus Harry? You used to call me Cy if it's � if it's really you. (The Woman tries to close the door.) I""�I'm trying to find the Jennifer Williams I knew 23 years ago. We spent a long weekend at the Jersey Shore? She was visiting a friend! (She closes the door. Cyrus looks distressed and walks back to his car. He gets a paper out of his pocket and crosses a name on it. SEveral names are already crossed. The car is a long, white limousine waiting with a chauffeur and a guitar player. Two large, standing floral arrangements have been placed on the lawn.)"
Phil , That lasted longer than usual.
Cyrus ," That's it for Lansdale. Pack it up. Let's move on to Philly. (Phil takes the bouquet, groans and start to remove the bushes.) Seriously, you gonna complain? How Many limo drivers are making six figures?"
Phil ," Cy, you're my little cousin, and I love you, and you've been more than generous. I'm upset because you are wasting your time over some faded memory when there is a world of pleasure out there. The kind of cash you got buys a lot of it. (Phil goes to the back of the car, Cyrus does not move ; he looks sick.) Come on! be like that. I've just been driving around all day. I'm a little cranky. (Cyrus stumbles and fall.) Hey!"
Cyrus , My leg won't move. (The blonde Woman gets out of her House. Phil shouts to her.)
Phil ," Are you gonna stare, or are you gonna call 911?"
House ," Partial paralysis. Head CT and LP showed nothing. Spinal MRIs and EMG were clean. Brain symptom, yet nothing seems to be wrong with his brain. (He makes coffee.)"
Chase ," Refrigerator mechanic, no family, in and out of work."
Taub , He just won $42 million in the state lottery. I think I read about this lucky bastard in the paper.
House , You sure you don't mean the lucky bastard whose grandkids snorted his winnings till he drank himself to death with drain cleaner? Or the lucky bastard who was found naked and penniless in a strip club Parking lot with his winning number tattooed on both testicles?
Thirteen , Neuro-otological pathology could have caused loss of balance.
 , Calorics were normal.
Taub ," Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around."
House , Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
Thirteen , Our lEvel of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.
House , It's like there's two of me.
Foreman , The guy repairs appliances. He's pRobably got toxic brain damage from years of working with toxic chemicals.
Taub ," Or his sudden disease came from his sudden millions. He's buying something, collecting something, ceramics, precious metals, which gave him atherosclerosis of his carotid arteries. (Cuddy has entered during this speech and faces House from the other side of the table.)"
Cuddy , My mother's Lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.
House ," You know,I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother. Go to the Patient's old workshop. Look for causes of toxic brain damage. Go take a new history, and see if there's any lifestyle changes that would explain atherosclerosis. (To Cuddy, while moving to his office) Go. (House enters his office, Cuddy follows. He pops a pill.) Medicinal. I'm expecting a shooting pain in my ass."
Cuddy ," My mom and I got into a fight. Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own House. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers."
House ," Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a House, my name is House."
Cuddy ," You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor."
House , Those beads from Thailand. (Cuddy gives him a non-understanding look) If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into.
Cuddy ," : The point is you're the one who's on the line here, whose name is on her hospital records."
House , Whose name is on her name?
Cuddy ," Fine. We're both on the line, but she won't discuss this with me alone. She and her Lawyer want to meet with both of us for settlement talks. I need you in that meeting acting nice and respectful while I defuse this stunt."
 ," Yeah well, I'm not going to that meeting, so I'm guessing you're cool if I'm not nice and respectful either."
Taub , Picked up any new hobbies?
Cyrus , How's a hobby gonna paralyze my left leg?
Taub ," If you work on vintage cars or you've taken up painting, the fumes can!"
Cyrus ," No cars, no paints."
 , You're a popular guy.
Cyrus ," Popular wallet. Three years ago before I had a dime, I had my appendix out. Phil was there. No one else Even called."
Taub , What about drugs?
Cyrus ," No drugs. Look, I've seen all the documentaries, I've read all the articles. I'm not gonna be a tabloid cliche. I know what I'm gonna do with my money."
Phil , Find and build a life with the one Woman I Ever cared for.
Cyrus , The point is nothing's changed. I live the same life. I eat the same food.
Phil , Same crappy canned food.
Taub , How Many of your meals do you eat from a can?
Cyrus , Most of 'em. I'm used to it. I order 'em by the case online. Is that bad?
Chase , You're worried about the trickle down effect of Cuddy versus House versus Cuddy.
Foreman , You're reading subtext into my silence?
Chase , House gets to you more than anyone.
Foreman , House thinks I'm a Robot. You think I'm a wuss?
Chase ," No, no, no, no. I think you're repressed. Well, it's out of your control. Tough Parkldhood, strained relations with your family. Can't be easy trying to succeed in a white Man's world."
Foreman ," First of all, white Man, I've done at least as well as you have. Second, I didn't think you take House's view that life sucks and we're stuck."
Chase , I think you're stuck. Last month or so I've turned my life around. I'm happier than Ever.
Foreman , Sleeping with ten women instead of four?
Chase , Try none. (Foreman looks suspicious.) He was cutting metal! inhaled the dust?
Foreman , Unless he was snorting lines of the stuff. None?
Chase ," Was having tons of sex, and I was bored, hating myself. Was nEver gonna be ready when something real came along."
Foreman ," So you're becoming some kind of super monk, and I can't change at all."
Chase , I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin.
Foreman ," Since I say nothing gets to me and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong?"
Chase , I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you.
Chase , Off-brand solvent. From Parkna. (Throws it to Foreman.) Made of God knows what.
Taub , Patient eats cheap canned goods by the caseload. Could be metal poisoning?
Chase , He also worked with cut-rate chemicals. Could be inhalation of a toxic volatile substrate.
Thirteen , Treatment for both is chelation.
House ," Great work. Alkalinize his urine and force diuresis for heavy metal poisoning. If that doesn't work, put him on dialysis for toxic inhalation."
Thirteen , I just said treatment for both is chelation.
House , And I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?
Foreman ," You want to put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings when we can just chelate?"
Chase ," Whoa, whoa. Settle down."
House ," If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the pRoblem was in his lousy old job or his still-lousy new life. Which for the purposes of a metaphorical argument is very important."
 , Pointless to argue. He's the boss. He needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against the wall? (Taub and Chase are speechless.)
 ," When you're done with the Patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against the wall."
Taub , Where's the dialysis maParkne?
Thirteen ," Who cares? Since I ordered chelation. We'll flip a coin, tell House it was one disease or the other. Worst case, he finds out and he's impressed we defied him. (To the nurse wheeling equipment out of the room) I'm sorry. I asked you to remove the dialysis equipment, not the chelation equipment."
Nurse , And Dr. Cuddy asked me to remove all equipment. She de-authorized all treatment.
Thirteen , She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the godmother and her consigliere.
House , Bitch to king four.
Taub , Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede.
House , Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor.
Cyrus , You're discharging me?
Taub ," We really! don't have a good lie here, so!"
Thirteen ," You got caught in some politics between our boss and his boss, but you'll be out of here 20 minutes tops."
Cyrus ," I'm not better, but you're kicking me out?"
Thirteen ," Which is why it'll only be 20 minutes. See, the Dean of Medicine"
Phil , So you're saying that she cares more about his treatment than the doctor who's actually treating him.
 ," Phil, shut up. (A blonde Woman in her late 30, wearing glasses, is smiling at him.)"
Jennifer , Cyrus.
Cyrus , Jennifer?
Jennifer ," It's good to see you. I read about you in the paper, so I hopped the first train from Virginia."
Phil , So you read that he struck it rich?
Jennifer ," He's right. It""�it must look weird. It kind of is weird. Well, we're a long way from the third street jetty. I just wanted to see you again and say hi, so! Hi."
Cyrus , Hi. I was starting to think I'd nEver find my!
Jennifer ," Baby Bear. (Cyrus smiles ; Jennifer smiles and enters the room. They hug, and Cyrus suddenly throws up on her.)"
Cyrus ," Oh, my God. I'm""�I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I""�I don't Even feel nauseous. I don't know why�"
Thirteen , Your hand is shaking. (She shakes his eyes with a lamplight.) Okay. You're having a focal seizure.
Phil , What does that mean?
Taub , It means you're not getting discharged.
Taub ," We were right that it's a brain issue, but wrong about toxic inhalation and metal poisoning. Everyone else is waiting�"
House , That was totally courageous of Khloe to Tweet about her weight gain.
Taub ," House, I've got a Patient with a seizure disorder who can't walk."
 , Another one? Thought we kicked out the last one.
 , Obviously I'll let you treat your Patient.
House ," What are you doing? We got a Patient with a walking disorder who can't seize. No, wait. I'm close, though, right?"
Cuddy , I wasn't finished. Of course I'll let you treat your Patient if you meet me halfway.
 ," Well, I guess I'm not finished either."
Cuddy , No clinic hours for the next quarter.
House ," Yeah, three Parking spots, next to each other, so I can Park diagonally, and three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing."
Cuddy ," Forget it. Treat your Patient, don't treat your Patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game. (She leaves.)"
House ," You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?"
Foreman , Neurological Lyme disease explains the seizures and the paralysis.
House , But not the fact that Chase seems to be treating you.
Foreman , He claims he can swear off sex indefinitely. Also claims that I am a boiling cauldron of repressed rage. (Taub smiles slightly.)
 , Your theory is idiotic. The Patient's antibody titers were negative for Lyme disease. And I shared a motel room with your ex-girlfriend. (Foreman's blood pressure remains steady.)
Foreman , You make a good point about the antibody titers.
House , He's a rock. How's your brother � homeless guy? Haven't heard from him in months!
Foreman , I don't know. Wish I did. (No change on the monitor screen.)
 ," Postural hypotension, which could have reduced the blood supply to his brain."
House , He'd be a miserable wretch.
Taub ," Actually, the prognosis is�"
House ," Oh, I'm sorry. No, I just meant his life is gonna unravel. In fairness, that applies to any diagnosis. Why do we do this?"
Thirteen , It's not postural hypotension. He's not orthostatic.
Taub ," His life may unravel, it may not. He's not chasing after material things."
House , Too bad. He might actually get those.
Taub , He's looking for love. Just tracked down an old girlfriend.
Thirteen ," And she'll nEver live up to the memory, and the thrill of finding her will wear off, and he won't Even be able to dream about being happy."
House , Interesting.
Thirteen ," The Patient may have found some long-ago nookie, but it doesn't mean he hasn't had some in the meantime. Herpes encephalitis."
House ," Explains the neurological symptoms. EEG to confirm, I.V. acyclovir to treat. How's Foreman's BP holding?"
Chase , Same.
House ," That's strange, since I unplugged the lead 30 seconds ago. Admirable effort. (Foreman takes the blood pressure device off and starts to leave. House stops him. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm scared you might turn green and rip through your own clothes. (They all leave, Thirteen the last. House blocks her way out with his cane.)"
House , Down on the Patient's roMance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?
Thirteen , You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.
House , You keep saying it. SEveral times a day.
Thirteen ," I love being back, having Every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage."
Thirteen , I'm afraid we'll need you to step out when the EEG begins. The waiting area's just down the hall.
Jennifer , I got to catch an early train in the morning anyway.
Cyrus ," No, don't. (Thirteen start prepping him with electrodes on his forehead.) I'll put you up in a nice hotel, or rent you a furnished place."
Jennifer ," I came for the night 'cause I wanted to see how you were. Maybe get back in your life a bit, but if I take your money!"
Cyrus ,:What's wrong with a nice place to stay? Unless of course! you don't want to stay.
Jennifer , I guess I could keep my motel room another night or two. (They both smile at each other before she leaves the room.)
House , Need a consult. Did an EEG on my Patient. Turns out the reason that prior doctors thought it wasn't a neuro pRoblem is because it's not a neuro pRoblem. The EEG did show signs of metabolic distress.
Wilson ," Well, scan his abdomen."
House ," Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own, and found a mass on the pancreas. (He hands the scan to Wilson, who takes a look.)"
Wilson , Mass looks solid. I'd say it's cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the neurological symptoms. You need to get a piece of it. Schedule a CT-guided biopsy.
House ," Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own."
Wilson , Then what's this consult?
House , Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?
Wilson , Because you're doing the right thing.
House , Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately?
Wilson ," Cuddy wants you in the middle of this. So does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own pRoblem. Somehow, in your knee-jerk, juvenile way, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this."
 , You're right. That was Cuddy's strategy all along. She wanted me to think that she desperately needed me to be there so that I wouldn't be there. (Wilson sighs. House pops a pill.)
Lawyer , Where is Dr. House?
Cuddy , I didn't want him here. (Arlene's Lawyer moves a chair for her to sit.) This isn't about her treatment at Princeton-Plainsboro. It's about the fight we had last week. I'd like a moment with my mother to try and work this out on our own.
Lawyer , I'm afraid my client doesn't want to�
Cuddy , It's mother's day Sunday. We can't have five minutes alone to fix this?
Arlene , Relax. You can still bill me for the time standing in the hallway. (The Lawyer leaves.)
Cuddy ," I know you're mad at me, but you can barely make it up those stairs. How Many nights have you spent on your couch?"
Arlene , This has nothing to do with our fight.
Cuddy ," We're talking about my home, not a prison camp."
Arlene , What did I just say? I think it was something about this not being personal.
Cuddy ," You can spend time with Rachel. I can watch over you. Win, win."
Arlene ," Maybe I've got a medical thing. Maybe I just think I'm talking, but no one can hear me, not just my uncaring daughter."
Cuddy , What do you want?
Arlene , 20 grand. I'll hire help and forget this nightmare you put me thr � make it 30. I'll put in a stair lift.
Cuddy ," If my board Even hears about these threats, let alone a settlement, they'll investigate what happened while you were here as a Patient. House and I could both lose our license. I've been assuming this is personal because I don't want to assume that was what my mother wants. (Arlene remains quiet. House enters loudly, carrying a surgery tray with a hip prothesis inside, which he throws on the table.)"
Arlene , House.
House , Ex-not-mom-in-law.
Cuddy , You said you weren't coming.
House ," After you said pretty please with sugar on top? PRoblem is we only give store credit, so I say we put your old, cracked poisonous hip back in. Here and now. I saved your life. Happy to un-save it."
Cuddy , He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him�
House , She's like this in bed too. Always scheming to get the Lawyers out of the room.
 ," If House isn't going to take this seriously, I know a few Judges who will."
House , Was I supposed to be the good cop?
Foreman , I had to rig the monitor. (Taub tries not to laugh.) I had a lot of salt with breakfast. You think I'm repressed too?
Taub , I think you're in danger of being dissolved by your own stomach acids.
Foreman ," Well, what about Chase? BeliEve all that nonsense about him being celibate?"
Taub ," Don't know, but I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner."
Foreman , Hmm. Then you're gonna be miserable.
Taub ," Those studies, it's important that they have a control group. There's the tumor on his pancreas."
Foreman , There's one on his kidney and one in his colon.
Taub ," One looks avascular, one looks vascular. The third looks calcified."
Foreman , He has three completely different cancers at once.
Taub ," On average, not so lucky after all."
Wilson , You had to go all Wile E. Coyote on me.
House , You told me that Arlene wanted me in the middle of it. I had to show her that no good would come of that.
Wilson , Seriously? That's your rationalization? (They leave the elevator and walk to House's office.) How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize.
House , I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness. (Pops Vicodin.)
Wilson , Do you listen to what you're saying? Because I have to. I'm holding a summit meeting to force you and Cuddy onto the same page before a lawsuit gets filed.
Taub , Three completely unrelated cancers at once.
Thirteen , Multi-cancer syndrome � Von Hippel Lindau?
Chase ," Wouldn't have touched his colon. (He checks on the maParkne, puts his right hand on the Merck's Diagnosis Manual and swears.) I hereby certify that Dr. Foreman has not tampered with this blood pressure mechanism in any way."
Foreman ," And after I prove I'm 100% stress free, do I get to strap you into a chastity belt?"
Thirteen , What if the Patient's missing a tumor-suppressor gene?
Foreman , How would we Even find it? We need to blast him with chemo now.
Chase , We can't give the Patient chemo. His platelet count's through the floor.
House ," Even worse, it'd contain his cancers. If we want to know what they have in common, we got to see where they spread next."
Thirteen , You want to wait six months while the cancer spreads and his seizures and paralysis get worse?
House ," (reasonably) : Well, now, that's crazy talk. But if we pump the Patient full of vascular endothelial growth factor!"
Chase , Foreman doesn't like that idea. (They all check the monitor. Foreman's blood pressure is indeed higher.)
 , You want to grow more and bigger cancers?
House ," We can't figure out what three small ones have in common, maybe can figure out what eight big ones have in common?"
 ," Is this idea real, or are you just threatening to kill the Patient to screw with me? (No one answers him. His blood pressure keeps climbing. He takes the device off and starts speaking louder and louder.) This whole thing is idiotic. What does it matter what's inside of me if I know how to control it?"
Thirteen ," Makes no difference to us, but you may want to make out a will."
House ," Go get lotto boy's consent, and turn his cancers up to 11. (They leave, except Thirteen, that House blocks again. He shows her a photograph.)"
Thirteen ," You, what, found my old yearbook, and got a picture of my high school boyfriend?"
House ," Actually, that would have been a lot simpler. No, I took this ten minutes ago. (He steps aside, rEvealing the guy sitting outside the office, smiling.) Your high school boyfriend who dumped you, leaving you unable to beliEve that anyone can rekindle an old flame."
Thirteen , He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.
House , Would you mind letting him down gently? I might have made promises you can't keep.
Taub , We're giving you more cancer. The risks of that are kind of obvious.
Thirteen ," We'll scan you, run your blood at frequent intervals. We beliEve this is our best chance at finding the underlying genetic flaw. (They hand him the consent form.)"
Cyrus , Will you marry me?
Jennifer , Don't be stupid.
Cyrus ," If this cancer overwhelms me, at least I'll die happy here and now, instead of hoping for a future I may nEver have. I love you."
Jennifer ," No, you don't. You don't know. You can't know. We both need more time. And I beliEve we're gonna have it."
Thirteen , Do you notice she's wearing different clothes Every day?
Taub ," As opposed to the same, Starfleet-issued tunic?"
Thirteen , She said she came for one night. Why'd she pack for more?
Taub ," So she stuffed an extra sweatshirt in her bag, or she bought something."
Thirteen , Used? She's here because an old beau struck gold.
Taub , She turned down a proposal. How long a game you think she's playing?
Thirteen ," I think if she said yes after 14 hours, Even he'd be suspicious."
Taub ," You're lucky you're hot and smart, because � well, you're just lucky you're hot and smart."
 , I need a hooker.
House , Not if you can make that work. (Foreman gives up and sits.)
Foreman , How is that supposed to relax you? It's not for me. It's for Chase.
House , I'm saving myself too. Maybe you should get a couple.
Foreman , You're riding me. Why not ride him?
House , Because I can get a rise out of your BP. His pee-pee on the other hand! Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot. He's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it. Pretty sure that's Zen.
House , Thought we were meeting in Cuddy's office.
Wilson , And I put one of the radio frequency tagged sponges from the O.R. In your portable television.
Cuddy ," HowEver much it hurt, I did have a right to break up with you."
House , You just want Everything to have a hidden personal agenda.
Cuddy , You need to get over it instead of torpedoing our jobs out of spite.
House , Couldn't just be that you're a pain professionally.
Wilson ," Stop! You're both at fault here. You for trying to Manipulate House when you used to know better, and you for! being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances."
House , I had good reasons.
Wilson , You had lame rationalizations.
Cuddy ," If I hadn't played him, he'd have found out about the meeting and crashed it anyway."
House , Would have been a lot more efficient.
Wilson ," Enough! Okay, here's what's gonna happen. Tomorrow I drive both of you to Arlene's. You're gonna write her a personal check for $30,000, and tell her she can stay in her own home with your blessing. You're gonna do this because you actually give a crap about your job and this hospital and your mother, and possibly Even House. (To House) And you're gonna say, I'm sorry,"" and not utter one syllable more."
House , Because I'm an idiot?
Wilson ," No, because if you don't, I'm gonna tell the pharmacy to stop issuing Vicodin prescriptions in my name."
House , I'm not paying for gas.
Cyrus , Anything look different?
Thirteen , Not yet. Where's Jennifer?
Cyrus ," She's embezzling money from my Swiss bank account. That's what you think, isn't it? I'm being taken for a ride?"
Thirteen , I think she wouldn't be here if you were still fixing refrigerators. One random set of numbers doesn't change huMan nature.
Cyrus ," Those sets of numbers are what kept me going. ClutParkng those tickets, thinking about the life I could have, finding Jennifer again."
Thirteen , So you figure if one long-shot dream came true the other one will as well?
Cyrus , You think you're protecting me. I think you're sad. Can't stand to see somebody happy.
Cuddy ," Mom, here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home. It was wrong of me to suggest otherwise. (She slips away. Arlene smiles at House, waiting.)"
House , I'm sorry. That we saved your life. (A beat.) In the way that we did.
Wilson , B-plus. I hope this resolves Everything. I can tell you that both your daughter and Dr. House�
Arlene , This is 30 grand.
Wilson , Which is what you asked for.
Arlene , This covers pain and suffering. What about the pRobate Lawyer?
Wilson , Do you two!
Arlene ," I have to change my will, leave Everything to Julia so this one doesn't try more funny business to get control of my home."
Wilson ," I'm sure we can toss in another 2,500."
Cuddy ," Well, I guess I'll have to kill you tonight then. Mom, I'm not interested in�"
Arlene , You already think you own my body. Why not my home too?
Wilson ," Everybody stay calm, and�"
Cuddy , You have to lash out at Everyone who tries to help you? Live in your own kitchen sink for all I care.
House ," Harsh. I didn't think you had a case before, but that is no way to talk to a Patient."
Arlene , You are right. (She rips the check up and closes the door.)
Foreman , Chase has had his eyes on this one for months.
Taub , Meaning he has eyes?
Foreman ," I paid her 100 bucks. When he hits on her � might be tonight, might be next week � she's gonna slap him and storm off."
Taub , So your plan is to prove you're both full of crap all in one move?
Foreman , First he'll compliment her hair. That's how he breaks the ice. Next comes some kind of joke or story. He's sharpening his harpoon.
Taub , Are my moves this predictable?
Foreman ," She's grabbing his arm. He's going in for the kill. (The nurse leaves Chase, goes to Foreman, slaps him in the face and gives him his money back. Foreman turns to Chase, who smiles and waves at him.)"
Taub , (pats Foreman's arm) : Don't let it get to you.
Taub , Poured a lot of gas on the fire. Ultrasound will give us a good look at the damage. Little more gel.
Cyrus ," I nEver made a will. I want to provide for you, if I don't�"
Jennifer ," Stop it, will you?"
Taub , Like you to hold your breath for a sec.
Jennifer ," Your money, there's charities, causes. Your family. You got to ask yourself what's mattered to you most year in and year out."
Taub , That can't be right.
Cyrus , Is it bad news?
Taub ," No. We've been pumping you with growth factor, but you don't have any new cancers. The tumors you had all shrank."
Foreman , Three tumors disappearing means we were pRobably wrong about him missing a tumor-suppressor gene.
Chase , How Many mulligans are you gonna ask for?
Foreman ," This test is what raised my blood pressure. I'm used to it now. (Deep breaths, waves his arms.) Go. If it's autoimmune and he created antibodies that ended up fighting his own tumors!"
House , Growth factor would have made the underlying autoimmune condition better.
Taub , Maybe it was nEver cancer in the first place.
 , Of course it was cancer. We biopsied. (He glances at the monitor and calms down.) It could have been a false positive.
Thirteen , Amyloidosis? His EKG voltage has been on the low end of normal. What if the tumors were actually protein deposits?
House ," G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat."
Foreman , She's making that diagnosis based off of low-normal EKG. Low-normal is still normal. (Rising blood pressure) That thing cannot be right.
House ," Low-normal is still low, and that thing does not have money riding on you being wrong, like the rest of us do."
Foreman , Chase fixed this.
Thirteen ," Oh, I think you're confusing Chase and Foreman. I used to do that all the time."
Foreman , I know it's rigged. (Still rising.)
Taub , Because you're Mr. Cool? Nothing could possibly faze�
 ," Because I took a beta blocker! (Chase shows him the trick he's been hiding.) Both times, right? His platelet count's still low. Chemo's still a death sentence. Treating for Amyloid with normal EKG is like doing heart surgery on a guy because he's ten pounds overweight. It's insane."
House ," Well, we'll do it your way � go shout at the Patient till he gets better. G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat. (He blocks Thirteen on her way out.)"
Thirteen , Here's the dirty little secret. I just think we are who we are. And I think lotteries are stupid.
 , Janet! Hemorrhoid?
 , That's not my name. It's why I'm here.
 ," Oh, I see. It goes across. We better make this fast, 'cause I'm about to lose my medical license for malpractice. It's nothing unusual. The head of the hospital's about to lose hers too. (Janet leaves hastily. House takes another file. Wilson joins him.)"
Wilson , I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours.
House ," Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through Patients."
Wilson , Arlene wants another meeting.
House ," I know. Told my seconds to tell her seconds that she gets no second chance. Well, technically, it's a third chance, but I don't have thirds."
Wilson ," Cuddy told her the same thing, more or less."
House , So you got us on the same page after all.
Wilson ," I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it."
House , That's quite a challenge.
Wilson ," You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all."
House , You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me.
Wilson ," You didn't start it, but you had the chance to end it, and you didn't. You love her, House, and it's huMan to hang on, but you're blowing up not just your job but any chance of any kind of relationship with her again."
Cyrus , Hi. (He hands Phil an envelope.)
Phil , What's that?
Cyrus , It's a check. For $10 million dollars.
Phil ," Uh, I don't know what to say, I mean! You already been so generous."
Cyrus , By hiring you?
Phil , Yeah.
Cyrus ," For a whopping six figures? My own blood? Best friend I Ever had? (Glancing at Jennifer) Year in, year out. (Phil takes the check and squeezes Cyrus hand. Jennifer cries a little, seems not at ease. She lifts her glasses and rubs her eyes. Thirteen hands her a tissue.)"
Thirteen , You're wearing contacts under your glasses?
 , I must have forgotten to take them off when I�
Thirteen , They're tinted. Do you change your eye color?
Jennifer , Sometimes I like to mix it up. I don't understand. What are you!
Cyrus ," Wait, you""�you don't have brown eyes? Where'd the name Baby Bear come from?"
 ," It's so long ago, I don't!"
 , It's a birthmark on your left breast in the shape of a bear. You forgot that? (To Phil) It's the one thing I nEver told you. That's why she doesn't know.
Phil , It's not like that. I swear.
 ," Get out. Get out, both of you."
Phil ," Come on, Man."
Cyrus , Get out.
Phil , I'm sorry.
 ," Get out! Both of you! (Jennifer and Phil hastily leave the room. Cyrus talks to Thirteen, breathing heavily) . You were right. I'm just another lottery fool. My life sucks. It'll always suck. (Alarms start beeping.)"
Taub , He's crashing. Everything's shutting down. (Thirteen gets an oxygen mask. They start reanimation.)
Thirteen ," Patient had a cardiac arrest, and his lungs and liver failed before we Even started the chemo."
House ," Brain symptoms that aren't brain symptoms, tumors that come and go?"
Foreman , It's not Amyloidosis.
House ," You're forgetting alopecia. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were just listing the things it's not, alphabetically."
Taub , His long-lost love is a fraud. Thirteen figured that out.
House , Good for her.
Taub ," Decades of menial work, three cancers couldn't make him die miserable. She just did."
Thirteen , The truth made him miserable.
House ," It's like there's two of me. (A fire alarm starts. Cut to the exterior of PPTH, where Everybody is gathered � Patients, nurses, doctors, firefighters! House is sitting and looks at Cuddy talking to an assistant.)"
Cuddy ," Keep the clinic shut down. But wherEver it is, it's isolated to the administrative floor. I'm not gonna evacuate the whole! (She stops talking, the camera pans on a smiling Arlene coming to her.)"
Arlene , Only way to get the two of you in the same place at the same time.
Cuddy ," Reopen Everything. Readmit Everyone. Now. (House joins her, thinking hard.)"
Arlene ," I want you both to know I'm filing the suit today, delivering the paperwork to your counsel's office."
Cuddy , You have to be destructive. You have to tear things apart. God forbid you should say what's really on that twisted mind of yours?
Arlene ," And you're the great peacemaker? Single mom, can't keep a Man long enough to cook a meal."
Cuddy , You'd be dead if it weren't for our mistreatment. And somehow you'd still find something to whine about.
Arlene , We'll let the court decide who's whining since you're so sure�
House , We're not getting back together.
Cuddy , What are you talking about?
House ," It's the only explanation. Why she keeps making threats without Ever filing her stupid, yet completely valid lawsuit. Why she ripped up her will, why she kicked half the hospital out on the street. She wants us united against her."
Cuddy , This is her drawing blood over the latest of a long line of imaginary slights. She doesn't care if anyone else is happy for a single�
 , Look at you idiots. Who else is gonna put up with either of you?
Cuddy ," I asked you to move in. That meant we weren't gonna reconcile. I'm sorry, mom. (She comes an hugs her.) Some things take more than a common enemy."
Arlene ," Then you're an idiot with impossible standards. (Cuddy turns to House, who is not there any more."
House ," Common enemy. One way to trigger brain symptoms when there's nothing wrong with your brain have something else turn your brain into a common enemy. You have a teratoma, a usually harmless congenital growth which can be filled with almost any kind of tissue. And, unusually, not at all harmless. If I'm right, yours is filled with primitive cells, some of which dEveloped into brain cells. These foreign cells leaked into your bloodstream. Now, the body is a little xenophobic. It creates antibodies. The pRoblem is, there's not much difference between brain cells in your abdomen and brain cells in your brain. To make matters worse, primitive cells can become almost anything. Grow like weeds. Which means they can turn into tumors, destroy whole organ systems."
Taub , But the cancer?
House , Was cancer. Just growing so fast it collapsed under its own weight.
Cyrus , Am I gonna live?
House ," Cut out the teratoma, what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day."
Cyrus , It's hard to feel lucky. The Woman I love was a fraud.
House ," No, actually a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same. You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why."
Thirteen , It's the real Jennifer. Or at least the only one to show up who actually has the birthmark. He's renting her an apartment.
House , It'll end horribly.
Thirteen ," Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot, but! he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy."
House ," You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what Even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism."
Thirteen , And you? Dumped by Everyone you've Ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.
Tony, I have been fantasizing about this for months.
Glenn, Forget it. We're not here to fool around.
Tony, I'm not fooling around. I need this.
Glenn, You're an idiot. You know that?
Tony, Just shut up and give me a boost.
Glenn, Hurry your ass up.
Glenn," Hey, sometimes a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do. [into a two-way radio] Jaguar one to control. Uh, sorry for the delay. Glenn had to take a leak. It was unavoidable. [grins] Target area is clear. Repeat: Target area confirmed clear."
Cesar," Dr. Lee, target area is cleared. Launch vehicle's in range. All systems go."
Lee," Thank you, Cesar. WhenEver you're ready. [to a couple of military men flanking her] The CT-10's light enough to launch from a UAV, but can penetrate 8 feet of 6,000-psi concrete before detonation."
Cesar, [kibitzing on one of the Manned computer terminals] Bomb's away.
Lee," Precision guidance system's not affected by darkness or weather and can hit a 2-foot-wide target from 69,000 feet."
General, What about sound?
Lee, None inbound at all. We've dEveloped a new fan and a baffling design that�
Cesar," Ordnance on target in three, two, one."
Tony, I feel better already.
Glenn, You need to see a shrink. Seriously.
General, Well done.
Cesar," Wendy! [Dr. Lee is on the floor, convulsing.] Call 911!"
Thirteen, Karma's a bitch.
Foreman, You think her seizures are the result of bad karma?
Thirteen," I think if you spend your days designing Ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you."
House, Thirsty. Side effect of a new antihistamine I'm on.
Chase, You don't seem congested.
House," Hmm, intriguing."
Taub, You have any thoughts about our Patient?
House," Got some questions about whether Thirteen really beliEves in karma or just wants to. As for the Patient, it's not gonna be easy to break into her office. Might want to start with her home."
Foreman, We could ask to look through her office and we could do an MRI first.
House, Sure. Go ahead.
Taub," If you're not interested in the case, why'd you take it?"
House, I am definitely interested. Could be a tumor. Could be a CNS bleed. What do you do when you got two interesting puzzles?
Taub, Two?
Wilson, [loudly and triumphantly] 50 bucks! [normal voice] Pay up.
Wilson, Let's go. Let's go. [Again wiggling his fingers for the money]
House," Bet's off. Fight was fixed. [Wilson opens his arms wide in ""what are you talking about?""� fashion.] That punch barely touched him."
Foreman, You bet on Foley to beat Zachary?
House, Speed beats power! unless speed has been paid to speedily take a dive.
Wilson," He touched him enough to put him on the canvas and the official counted him out, which means you officially owe me! 50 bucks. [As soon as he says the amount, the dance starts again. Wilson is really enjoying this win.]"
House, We bet on a sporting Event. That was not sporting. Less than 30 seconds. That was barely Even Event-y.
Wilson," Okay, here's what I saw. You lost and I won."
House," Yeah, well, you can take that to your grave. You're not taking my 50 bucks."
Wilson," Prove it. Prove it or pay up. You got one day. And don't make me send my boys out looking for you. [He turns toward the door, stops, and puts up a warning finger, which he points at various members of the team. Quietly] What? All right. [He leaves.]"
House," So, two puzzles. Tie goes to the one that costs me money. [He grabs his cane and heads for the door.] Keep each other posted."
Lee, I've always been healthy. I nEver Even get colds.
Thirteen, I guess your luck finally ran out.
Lee, [to Chase] I take it she doesn't like people who makes bombs.
Thirteen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Lee," [getting onto the MRI] It's all right. Half of my family feels the same way. Of course they all work on Wall Street, so! Ever since the first 4th of July I can remember, I've always loved explosions. When I got to college and I had to pick a major, figured I might as well pick something I'm passionate about."
Thirteen, Destroying things. You weren't passionate about anything else?
Lee," Bombs are tools, just like anything else. You can use it to make things better or you can use it to make things worse. I also like roMantic poetry and picnics. Is there anything else you want to know before we do this MRI?"
Chase, Nope. Try to stay as still as possible. This shouldn't take long.
House," Hey, how's it going?"
Foley," You mind? I mean, there are plenty of other seats."
House, I'm not here to Judge. You did what was best for you and I got no pRoblem with that.
Foley, I'm not gonna ask you nice again. Just go away.
House," Or what? You're suddenly gonna fall down? Listen. I got a pRoblem. A guy who knows absolutely nothing about boxing, because of you now thinks he does. You can imagine the potential ramifications. I need you to get on the phone with him and tell him you took a dive."
Foley, I didn't take a dive.
House, Take a picture of you to prove that it was really you and we're done. Just enough to convince him. Not enough to get you in any trouble.
Foley," [slowly, enunciating clearly] I didn't take a dive."
House," Yeah. That story's getting boring. Look, I'm not from the commission. I'm not some bookie. I'm a doctor. This is my I.D."
Foley," Look, if you were a bookie, you'd know no one pays a guy to throw a fight he has no chance to win. I was a 12-to-1 underdog. Lost my last five fights."
House, But you were the better fighter. That last punch barely touched you.
Foley," You Ever been barely touched by a guy who weighs 230 pounds? Look at me. Look where I am, what I'm wearing. Now, do I look like a guy who just got a payday? I didn't throw the fight. I just suck."
House, Ha! [slams door] Proof.
Wilson, Just because he wasn't hit in the face�
House," Look at his pupils. He has anisocoria, which, given his age, the adrenaline surge of the fight, the fact that he's still alive means he was tachycardic. He has Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome."
Wilson," The bet was on who would win, not who would live the longest."
House," If he's physically unable to continue because of a preexisting illness, then it's technically a ""no contest,"" which means all bets are off."
Wilson, You know that just because I was right about this one fighter doesn't make you any less of a Man?
House," Actually, it would, if you were right."
Wilson," Then as I said earlier, prove it. And one possibly Photoshopped cell phone pic does not a diagnosis make."
Cesar," Oh, excuse me, Dr. House."
House," D�sol�, je ne parle pas anglais. [Sorry, I don't speak English.]"
Cesar, I'm a co-worker of Wendy Lee's. I'm also her boyfriend.
House, Great. I'm a guy who doesn't care.
Cesar, She's your Patient.
House," Oh, you thought I didn't know who Wendy Lee was? Yeah, makes sense. I'm not good at names. Did Dr. Fortune tell you that?"
Cesar, Her last boyfriend was a real nut. He's basically stalking her.
House," See, this is what I don't care about. [The elevator arrives. House gets in and pushes a button.] I don't care who cares about her. Used to care about her. Either one you falls down dead, you can drop me a note."
Cesar, [stopping the elevator door from closing] I think I know what's wrong with her.
House, You screwed up in the lab and accidentally spilled some bomb on her?
Cesar, No. He really is crazy.
Thirteen, Poisoned?
House, Apparently our mad scientist is also a slutty scientist whose milkshakes got all the nerds in the yard fighting over her.
Thirteen, She's a slut because she's dated two different guys at work?
House," Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were still judging her."
Foreman," [or ""Dr. Fortune""� according to House] She's not a slut and it's not poison. When we tested her blood and cerebral spinal fluid for toxic exposure, it was negative for Every poison we could think of."
Taub," Well, that just leaves Every poison we didn't think of. She works in a bomb factory."
Foreman, So do a lot of other not-sick people.
Thirteen," The guy had any actual evidence she was poisoned, he would have gone to the police, not to us."
Taub," And if we had any evidence of what was wrong with her, you'd be showing us MRI results. I assume they were negative."
Chase," Couldn't hurt to start activated charcoal, see what happens."
House, You know what else wouldn't hurt? This case is getting interesting. Let's add a little danger.
Thirteen, Hmmm.
Chase, Just because he has guns doesn't make him a murderer.
Thirteen, Tell that to the bear.
Chase, Look in the desk. See if he's got a diary or a journal.
Thirteen, Something tells me he's not exactly a diary kind of guy. Maybe a Manifesto.
Chase," Just look. I'm gonna check out the rest of the place, see if he's got a computer."
Thirteen, It's Foreman. [answering] Yep?
Foreman, You break in yet?
Thirteen," Yeah, we're in the abattoir now. Why?"
Foreman, You can leave. I think Taub and I found what we're looking for.
Foreman," Looks like she actually was being poisoned, but she's been doing it to herself."
Lee, I'm not an alcoholic.
Taub, I know. I know the whole label thing is so limiting. You're a person who happens to suffer from alcoholism.
Lee, You broke into my House and now you're being a smartass?
Foreman," During your history, you said you didn't drink at all."
Lee, I don't.
Taub, You just collect bottles.
Lee, Yes. I collect them for my friend. She uses them in her art projects.
Taub, And you're ashamed of these art projects. The bottles were hidden.
Lee, That's because my Housekeeper keeps throwing them out. I-I've told her a dozen times not to but either she doesn't understand or she doesn't care.
Chase, Why would she lie?
Thirteen, That's the easy question. She needs a government security clearance for her job.
Taub, And what's the hard question?
Thirteen," If she's an alcoholic, why doesn't she have at least some partially full bottles in the House? I mean, why keep the empties? Why not just throw them away?"
Foreman, So she's pRobably telling the truth.
Taub, So what do we do?
Foreman, We start her on Valium for alcohol withdrawal. [They all stop walking to look at him.] It's the best we've got right now.
House, One normal EKG does not a healthy person make.
Foley," Look, I told you I just suck."
House," Oh, you make me so sad. Don't talk like that."
Foley, [turns to face House] Why do you care so much?
House, Kill me for loving my Patients. It's just what I do.
House," Hey, stop. Stop! [Foley turns around] Look, my""�my leg hurts. Okay? Just talk to me for a moment. [House holds his leg as he sits on one of the benches in the hall. Foley stands in front of him.] You don't have to be a loser."
Foley, [Scoffs] Thanks.
House," WhatEver's wrong with you, it's real. Sick is good. Sick means it can get better. You cold get better. And I don't mean healthier. I mean! maybe you don't have to suck."
Foley, Figure out what's wrong with yourself. Leave me alone.
Hoffner, Abdominal pain.
Cesar, She said it felt like she was being stabbed.
Lee, Ah! Ah!
Foreman," Give her morphine, 5 milligrams IV."
Taub, Is it a symptom of the underlying condition or a symptom of our treatment?
Chase, We'll know soon. I stopped her treatment.
Foreman, We should restart it. Acute pancreatitis from alcoholism would cause this kind of pain.
Thirteen, It's stress related.
Foreman, She's in a lot of pain.
Thirteen, She's under a lot of stress. She's got two guys fighting over her and she got done with the final test of a new bomb. Her guilt is killing her.
Foreman," As far as you know, she likes being the center of attention and loves her job."
Thirteen," As far as you know, she doesn't drink."
Chase, What if it's a kidney infection? Acute pyelonephritis could kill her if we don't start her on IV antibiotics.
Foreman," Would kill her if it was pyelonephritis, but since her urine and CSF don't show signs of infection�"
Taub," I paged House. [Foreman rolls his eyes at him.] What? We got nothing. Less than nothing since he's actually ignoring my pages, which means we have a sick Patient and apparently a sick boss."
Foreman, Tell him you admit he's right. Let's get him back to work.
Wilson," If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you."
Foreman," No, it's not."
Wilson," No, it's not, but he does."
Foreman, Thanks. I feel warm inside. Right now I'm Debating which bad idea I should pretend is a good idea and force Everybody to implement.
Wilson, I think this is good for him.
Foreman," Obsessing over a bet is good? And doing his actual job, treating actual Patients, that's bad?"
Wilson," House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the breakup, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This is � well, it's not crazy."
Foreman," No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerous."
Wilson," By House standards, it's dull. This he's doing just because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing! stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him."
Foreman, I'll go explain that to the Patient.
Taub," It's definitely not pancreatitis. Restarting the treatment obviously didn't help anything. I assume you tested for infections. [Chase gives him a ""duh""� look] And I assume that look means ""yes, and I was wrong."" [to Thirteen] You call for a psych consult? Wow. That's the same look I just got from Chase. So an hour ago, we had three theories we couldn't agree on. Now we've got no theories, but we're in agreement."
Chase, CT and ultrasound showed inflammation in the renal capsule. Could be an obstructing calculus or a perinephric abscess.
Foreman, Blood cultures came back negative. It's pRobably just a benign cyst.
Chase," Yes, let's just dismiss an idea because it's pRobably nothing."
Thirteen," Could be gas in the perinephric space, in which case, we should be prepping her for emergency surgery."
House, What looks like Wolff-Parkinson-White but isn't?
Foreman, Her EKG was normal.
House," So was his. That's why I said ""looks like."" As in similar to, but not the same."
Taub, You want us to help you get out of paying your bet while your actual Patient lies in agony.
House," Who's the real bad guy here? The guy who doesn't care enough to help or the four guys who are not competent enough to help? He works out too much, gets pounded too much, and not in the roMantic way. His pupils�"
Taub, I got it.
House, Your Patient? No. Plenty of time to save her life after we save my money.
Taub, [ignores House and returns to the DDX] Underlying neurological condition exacerbated by an acute UTI brought on by her sexual escapades.
Thirteen," Slut? Escapades? How do we treat? A scarlet ""A""?"
Taub, Sorry. Acute UTI brought on by her healthy enjoyment of her Womanhood. We start her on IV ampicillin and an aminoglycoside.
Foreman," You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joyrides all the time. But you answer pages, you sleep. [House doesn't Even look at him.] I know I'm gonna regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Is there anything I can do to help?"
House, [lifting his head] Although!
House," Great news! You have an underlying neurological condition, which together with your heart�"
Foley, You said my heart was fine.
House," Yeah, I also said I would get you your career back. But it doesn't seem to matter since you've so clearly been handed the golden spit bucket. [Foley glares slightly at him.] Sympathetic overdrive. It's a medical term. So is ""great news."" Of course, if you prefer wallowing! [Foley turns away from him. House follows.] All you need is a Parkn. And a heart, apparently. Then you can go back to being the guy who won 20 of his first 20 instead of the guy who lost 5 of his last 5. Although, technically, I count the last one as a ""no contest."""
Foley, And you save 50 bucks.
House, I'm a doctor. I don't tell a fat guy to lay off bacon for less than 300. [Foley almost laughs.] This is about dignity for both of us. Give me your arm. [He hangs his cane on a piece of equipment and pulls something from his pocket.] Give me your arm.
Foley, What the hell?
House, Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.
Foley, Ep-is it dangerous?
House," In the wrong hands, very. So! yeah, sort of. This will only take a few seconds. [He checks the pulse in Foley's neck.] And! you are tachycardic."
Foley," Yo, are you psycho?"
House," We combine the increased heart rate with chest trauma by applying a little sweet science to the science. Don't worry. I'll""�I'll explain more when you wake up. Now, the punch that supposedly knocked you out looked like it was thrown by an old cripple. Kind of like this."
Foley," Look, stop it."
House," Three, two, one. [He waits but nothing happens.] Huh. Seem to be older and more crippled than I thought. [He punches Foley again.]"
Foley, Look � no. You're embarrassing me.
House, Doesn't make sense. Maybe if I�
Foley," Look, get the hell out of my life, you lunatic."
Gibbs, She's in V-tach. BP's dropping.
Cesar, WhatEver you're doing isn't working again. There's got to be some way to stop the seizures.
Taub, It's not a seizure. She's having a heart attack. No pulse.
Cesar, That's impossible! She runs marathons!
Chase, Charging to 200. Clear. [Taub pulls back.]
Taub, Still no pulse.
Chase, Charging to 300.
Cesar, Why is this happening?
Chase, Clear.
Foreman, My theory is that he's only avoiding us because he really wants to avoid you.
Cuddy," Ma nishtana? [Foreman looks puzzled.] You made it through med school without Ever attending a Seder? It means ""why is this night different from all other nights?"""
Foreman," I'm not sure it is. But usually when push comes to shove, he shows up."
Cuddy," If the Patient's still alive, then push hasn't met shove yet."
Foreman, Patient is hanging by a thread and we don't have a clue why.
Cuddy, Then we have to assume he does and she isn't.
Foreman," We could or we could assume that something is seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. This way, Even if we're wrong, nobody dies."
Cuddy, House is fine. House is always fine.
Foreman, I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you and you're avoiding him and this Patient is gonna die.
Cuddy, Not if you do your job.
Thirteen, You're an idiot. [She's in the doorway to the living room.]
House, How did you get in here?
Thirteen, My boss has me break into places all the time.
House," Pain has been getting worse. I figured if I upped the Vicodin any more, I'd end up back in a rubber room, so this seemed like the smarter choice."
Thirteen, You're an idiot.
House, You drove all the way over here to break in and call me an idiot?
Thirteen," No, I drove all the way over here to tell you we're implanting an automated cardio-defibrillator, which won't actually do anything to help the Patient except maybe give us enough time to come up with a guess as to what's actually wrong with her."
House," Oh, that makes more sense."
Thirteen, And I broke in here because Cuddy and Wilson both separately asked me to.
House, Even more logical.
Thirteen," And that's not heroin, which means you knew I was coming over here, and Cuddy and Wilson are right. You're just playing a game. Throwing out a bone and watParkng us fight over it. {She starts to leave in a huff.]"
House, There is another theory. [He picks up a report from a table and hands it to her.] Compound CS-804. It's an experimental drug that's supposed to regrow muscle.
Thirteen, [flipping through it] This experiment was done on rats.
House, It's groundbreaking. Huge success.
Thirteen, In rats.
House," Well, they got four legs. Think how fast it should work on one."
Thirteen, You're an idiot.
Chase, We've got a pRoblem.
Taub, AICD not working?
Chase," If it's the defibrillator, I'd be looking elsewhere. [Lifting the blankets.] Smells like bleeding."
Taub, Rectal?
Chase, And vaginal.
Foreman, Is it possible something got perforated during surgery?
Taub, Is that an accusation?
Foreman, Sounded like a question. Just a straightforward inquiry that only someone with serious insecurities would take issue with.
Taub," Okay, so in answering, I have to decide between the only two possibilities. ""No"" and ""yes, we might have screwed something up, but are intentionally hiding it because we're incompetent and we're asses."" Answer is ""no."" Glad we didn't shortchange that avenue. It's a blood disorder. A coagulopathy."
Foreman, That's not a diagnosis. That's like saying she has a runny nose.
Taub," True, but not saying she has a runny nose risks getting snot all over us. We can treat it."
Foreman, Cause could still be a toxin. She must have been exposed to who knows�
Thirteen," Past tense, which means she would have been better now that she's not."
Chase," Same goes for House. If this was about Cuddy, he would have checked out weeks ago. Something else is going on. Something new."
Taub, That's an awfully simplistic approach to matters of the heart.
Chase, House is rational. He prides himself�
Taub, No one is rational about emotion. That's why they're emotions.
Foreman, What do you think?
Thirteen, Me? I didn't say anything.
Foreman, Exactly.
Thirteen," You always have some opinion on these things, especially when it comes to House, double especially when it comes to men and roMance, but suddenly you're keeping your mouth shut."
Thirteen," House can't help us. I respect his privacy, no matter how stupid and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect mine."
Foreman," [nods slowly] We need to treat the underlying condition. Could be cancer, sepsis, trauma, liver disease, hemorrhagic fEver�"
Taub, I'm gonna start treating the symptoms while you finish listing the possible causes.
Riggin, The rats are doing great.
House," ""Great"" is a little vague."
Riggin," Even better than the previous study. 12% increase in strength, 22% in flexibility, and some improvement in at least 60% of the subjects."
House, Have you done maximum tolerated dose studies?
Riggin," Not yet. But that's part of the beauty. Since the compound is easily excreted in urine, as long as they keep hydrated, there's really no reason to expect any danger at virtually any dose. I mean, obviously you can't know for sure."
House," But if it's worthy of the preface ""obviously,"" then obviously it only needs to be explained to idiots. Do I look like an idiot? [Riggin looks offended.] Sorry. Cranky. What I meant to say was: Why don't scientists have groupies? 'Cause I'd do you right now if society wasn't telling me that you're just an underpaid dork."
Riggin, Thank you.
Riggin, You all right?
House, Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?
Riggin, How does coffee help your leg?
House, It will prEvent me from walking to get the coffee.
Riggin, Right.
Taub, Page said she's now bleeding from her mouth.
Foreman, You start treatment?
Taub, I said I would.
Foreman," A ""yes"" would have been fine."
Taub, Not asking the question would have been Even better.
Foreman, Any breathing issues?
Lee," No, but�"
Gibbs, I'm not sure it's internal.
Taub," If it's coming from both ends, it's internal."
Gibbs, Her gums look like they were burned.
Wilson, [loudly through the closed door] Experimental drugs?
House," [opening the door] That's unfair. 'Cause at one point, Even Vicodin was an experimental drug. I have to go."
Wilson," Well, unless you're going to do your job, it can wait."
House, I'm going to do my job.
Wilson, I'll give you a lift.
House," [turning back into the living room] I'll give you two minutes. But first, I'm gonna tell you that I'm off the drugs and you'll feel silly 'cause you've got nothing to say for two minutes."
Wilson, Hmm. Why are you off them?
House, Because they don't work.
Wilson, Why were you on them?
House, Because they come in banana flavor. You know the answer.
Wilson, You think fixing your leg will fix your life.
House," I think that my life will be somewhat better if part of my life, specifically my leg, is somewhat better."
Wilson, You think all your pRoblems are your leg.
House," And you're here to tell me that no matter how depressed I may be, it's not enough."
Wilson," I think you want Everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure. [House picks up his jacket which he had put on the couch.] House, you obviously�"
House," [standing and walking past Wilson] I hate that word. I have to go now. Actually, I don't, but it would be rude to walk out without saying anything."
Chase, What about this? 28-year-old Woman presenting with burn-like wounds in her mouth and esophagus from a candidiasis infection.
Foreman, Interesting. It would also be relevant if the Woman had had seizures.
Thirteen, We would have seen it in the blood work.
Taub, Acute myeloid leukemia can cause swelling in the gums.
Foreman," Again, interesting but not relevant."
Taub," Again, you're being an ass."
Foreman," She doesn't have a history of blood diseases in her family, her blood count's normal, and she hasn't been exposed to chemical toxins."
Taub, Not that we know of.
Chase, Guy that she works most closely with is also her boyfriend. You don't think he would have told us if there had been some sort of chemical spill or accident?
Thirteen, There is one other cause of AML.
Cesar, Wait! Where are you taking her?
Foreman, We need to get her into an isolation room and prep for a hematopoietic stem cell transplant.
Cesar, Isolation? Why?
Thirteen, We think her blood and immune system have been destroyed by an exposure to ionizing radiation.
Cesar, But we don't work with radiation.
Thirteen," Well, apparently your girlfriend does."
Cesar," [grabbing the bed and stopping them] No, she doesn't. You're wrong. It must be something else."
Thirteen, We found reports that your company was dEveloping tactical nuclear warheads for bunker-busting bombs.
Cesar, Where? On Wikipedia? Some paranoid idiot's blog? I don't care where you read it. It's not true.
Foreman, You're saying there's absolutely no chance that anyone in your company is doing any experimental research that you don't know about?
Cesar," No, but I know Wendy and she wouldn't."
Thirteen," Well, maybe you don't know her as well as you thought you did."
Foreman, Excuse me. We have to go.
House, [leaning out the window] You need a drink.
Foley, I'm fine.
House, That wasn't a question. You really do need a drink.
Foreman, Found a match. We'll start treatment as soon as we get the HSC from the donor. Shouldn't be long.
Lee, Where's Cesar?
Foreman," Uh, he's in the waiting room."
Lee, I want to see him.
Foreman, You can't. It's too dangerous with your immune system this compromised.
Lee, Why can't he just put on a gown and a mask like you?
Foreman," I'm sorry. The more people you're exposed to, the greater chance of infection."
Lee, I'm scared.
Foreman, I know. We're doing Everything that we can.
Gibbs," Dr. Foreman, you should look at this."
Lee, What is it?
Foreman, You feeling any pain in your pelvic region?
Lee," No, why?"
Foreman, Your genitals! they're engorged.
Foley," I drink any more, I'm gonna explode."
House," You're not going to explode. You're just gonna have a seizure, which will prove that your kidneys are not working, which will also prove that they weren't working Saturday night. That's why a glancing body blow sent your blood pressure into the toilet and you onto the canvas."
Foley, How Many bottles is this supposed to take?
House, Six.
Foley, And I've drank how Many?
House, [looking in the trunk] Eight. It's not an exact science.
Foley," So in other words, nothing's gonna prove you wrong. You're just gonna keep making me miserable because you're too miserable�"
House," You're an idiot. [Foley looks understandably angry.] No, you're not gonna hit me! 'Cause somewhere deep in that way-too-thin skull of yours you know that you're full of crap. That's why you stopped jogging for me. That's why you drank eight bottles. Because Even though you want to think that I'm wrong 'cause it's simpler, you also desperately want me to be right. I'm only an ass for building your hopes up if I'm wrong. [hands Foley another full bottle] Last one."
Foley, You're an ass.
Wilson, You were wrong. It's not the end of the world.
House, Anything else you want to say?
Wilson, [after a pause and a deep breath] You have a pRoblem. I think if you seriously look at Everything that�
House, Anything else?
Wilson," Okay, look, this isn't�[House raises his cane and turns toward the Ordinary People poster. Wilson jumps up to stop him.] Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! [House stands back but keeps his cane ready. He looks pissed.] No! I don't. [He gestures locking his mouth and throwing away the key.] Just get out of here. Go home. We'll talk later. Someplace without any of my stuff."
House, Nothing to talk about. That was my point.
Chase, Inflammation of the genitals means we were wrong.
Thirteen, Thanks for the statement of the obvious.
Chase," You'd think so, wouldn't you? [Taub comes in and takes a seat.] Foreman wants to keep shooting for radiation poisoning."
Foreman, Because the seizure's have stopped. Because her fEver's gone away. Because she's improved. By luck.
Foreman, I don't think the Patient cares.
Chase," Yes, she's gonna die in considerably less discomfort thanks to you treating a few of the symptoms instead of the disease."
Taub, I paged Ho�
All, Shut up.
Bartender, You're drunk.
House," Well, whose fault is that? Give me another scotch."
Bartender, I can't serve you.
House," This 'cause I'm black? 'Cause I'm not, so!"
Bartender," Come on, buddy."
House," Look, you can't get me drunk and then give me crap for being drunk. That's like dumping someone and then giving them crap for being upset. That's just not decent. Let me explain why people come here. [He lurches over to the bar.] They come here to drink. Which causes us to ask, why do people drink? Hmm? Is it sustenance? [He grabs a guy's bottle of beer and reads the label.] No. Is it taste? [He takes a swig of the guy's beer.] No."
Fellow Patron, Don't be a jerk.
House," Is it the company of stout-hearted men? I don't think so. Is it killing pain? Yes. [looks at the bottle again.] SEven and a half percent life duller. That's the business you're in. You're in the ""screw the world"" business. You're in the ""reality sucks and fantasy temporarily appears to not suck"" business."
Fellow Patron, Just get the moron a drink so he'll shut the hell up.
House, No.
Bartender, I'm giving you your drink.
House, Have you no pride? Either serving me is a good idea or it's a bad idea. Shutting me up is a crappy reason for compromising what you beliEve.
Fellow Patron, Not Even an effective one apparently.
House, Am I gonna have to hit him?
Bartender, Not a good idea.
House," But what if it's the right thing to do? Compromise is nEver the answer. [He turns to Fellow Patron, who is sitting on the side of the bar, and gets into a boxing stance.] Stand up. I will allow you to throw the first punch."
Fellow Patron, Sit down. I'm not gonna hit you.
House," Just as well, 'cause I was lying."
Thirteen, You can relax.
Cesar, She's getting better?
Chase," Bad news is, because of your extended exposure to her and her workplace, we're gonna need to treat you as well."
Cesar, I feel fine.
Thirteen, Unfortunately that's the way it can be with radiation. No symptoms until it's too late to do anything.
Chase, You're gonna need a bone marrow transplant.
Cesar, [chuckles] No.
Thirteen," A marrow transplant does leave you exposed to all sorts of illnesses, but there really is no choice here."
Cesar, She doesn't have radiation poisoning.
Chase, She's getting better.
Thirteen, We need to start your treatment before it's too late.
Cesar, No!
Chase," You're either suicidal or you know we're wrong. And the only way you could know for sure what wasn't killing her is if you knew what was. And you do, don't you?"
Thirteen, Because you've been poisoning her and the reason she's getting better is because you haven't been near her.
Chase, Our co-workers are on their way to your home right now to search for poisons. You mind saving them the trouble?
Thirteen, Attempted murder is better than murder.
Foley, What are you doing here?
House, Training for my big fight. Just need you to�
Foley," Drink five more bottles? Get punched a few more times? Look, just get out and give up."
House, That's your specialty.
Foley," [Scoffs] Ooh, looks like you already lost your big fight. [House takes down his cane. As Foley passes, House presses the bottom of the cane to the base of Foley's neck. Foley turns around, angry.] Look, I may not be able to take a punch, but I can still throw one."
House," Three, two! [Foley starts to demonstrate but falls over, unconscious.] What a lovely day."
Lee, Where's Cesar?
Thirteen," Um! in jail. He was trying to kill you. He found out about you and Glenn, which, he admitted, shouldn't have surprised him since he started seeing you while you were dating Tony."
Lee, He poisoned me?
Thirteen, Repeatedly! with Spanish fly. The active ingrEdient cantharidin is a potent toxin and can cause a lot of the same damage as radiation.
Lee, He poisoned me?
Thirteen, I'm sorry.
Lee, He had a security clearance.
House," Ahem! [Wilson looks up.] What's this? [House enters] A palm. Hmm, useful for Many things. Slapping, greasing, pRobably some other applications too. Right now it's ready for $50 and humiliation."
Wilson, He was actually sick?
House," He wasn't knocked out by the punch. He was knocked out by the clinch before the punch. Took a shot to the back of the neck. More specifically, to an abnormal growth of nerves caused by a glomus tumor. Kind of like a built-in taser. Sent a massive shock to his entire body, shut Everything down."
Wilson, Wow. Fascinating. Completely explains exactly how he lost.
House," Oh, you are not gonna be like that, 'cause you got a lot more posters here."
Wilson," No, I'm not. Well done, House. You might have saved that guy. Given him his life back."
House," Oh, no. He needs surgery. He's nEver gonna fight again."
Wilson, What happened to your eye? You okay?
House, Better than okay.
Thirteen, Darrien?
Thirteen, (seeing all the blood) What the hell happened? We got to get you to a hospital.
Darrien," No, you're a doctor. Just stitch me up."
Thirteen, It's more compliCated than that. We need to check for�
Darrien, The cops will be waiting for me at the hospital. They're gonna bust me back inside just for being with felons.
Thirteen," You stay here, they bust me."
Darrien," I can't go back, Remy."
Thirteen," Neither can I. God forbid you die, I'm up for Manslaughter."
Darrien, I'll find someone else.
Thirteen," You leave, you bleed out. You're gonna die."
Thirteen, Stop.
Darrien," Promise me, you won't take me to the hospital."
Thirteen, I promise.
House, Look at how much fun she's having.
Emily," That's because he has two functioning legs, capable of supporting her body weight."
House, So do I.
Emily, You told me most of your muscle was cut out.
House, I was going for the sympathy discount. Been taking some experimental medicine.
Emily," Yeah, I got a lot of clients on experimental medicine."
House, You want proof?
House," Okay, this amp stack weighs way more than you do."
House," See? Now, Even if those implants were made of adaMantium, I'd still be able to!"
House, Sorry. Cramp.
Emily, I'm sure.
House, (sighing) I'm not gonna be needing your services tonight after all.
Darrien, Aaah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Thirteen, Bowel's intact. Inferior vena cava's fine.
Darrien, Aah! Aah!
Thirteen," Liver got nicked, but it feels clotted off."
Thirteen, I don't see any other signs of internal bleeding.
Darrien, So I'm okay?
Thirteen, Define okay. And just because I don't see bleeding doesn't mean it's not there.
Thirteen," 105 over palp. I'm gonna check your pressure Every two minutes. If you dip below 90, it means it is there and we have a pRoblem."
Foreman, Oh. Sorry.
Ruby, (getting up) I should get to work.
Taub, Wait. Ruby.
Ruby, We'll talk more in the morning.
Ruby," Good night, Eric."
Foreman, (to Taub) You two breaking up?
Taub, She's pregnant. (getting up from the couch) I need a drink.
Darrien, There was a raid. Andre needed to do something to slow the cops down.
Thirteen, He stabbed you as a distraction?
Darrien," Didn't work. Cops called an ambulance, left me lying there."
Darrien," Oh, come on. Give me crap. I know what I told you about him, but it's not his fault I started using again. It's mine."
Darrien, What?
Thirteen," According to this, you're dead. You have no blood pressure. Barely have a pulse. (she pulls off the blood pressure cuff)"
Darrien, Am I dying?
Thirteen," You're talking and alert, so your brain is getting blood."
Thirteen, Pulse in your right arm is fine. So is your B.P.
Chase, (sleepily answering the phone) Hello.
Thirteen, Are you busy?
Chase," Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm about to go out."
Thirteen," Great. Uh, can you do me a huge favor? I need you to go to the hospital and check out a portable ultrasound maParkne for me."
Chase, Who's the father?
Thirteen," I have a leak in my bathroom, and my guy won't come take a look at it till tomorrow morning, and an emergency plumber's 200 bucks an hour."
 Riggin, Dr. House.
House, Dr. Riggin. Figures you'd be wrapping up the trial by now. I just wanted to give you a hearty mazel tov.
 Riggin, And don't forget the Nobel Prize for dEveloping an incredibly expensive rat poison.
House, What do you mean? What happened?
 Riggin, Tumors.
 Riggin, Just look at these things.
House, Any indication the rats were getting sick?
 Riggin," Just some cramping. Their legs would stiffen up. They were having trouble moving around. We just thought their bodies were adjusting to the increase in muscle mass, but within a day or so they just started dying. Oh, well, get a new compound to play with next week."
Chase," One portable ultrasound, extra pepperoni."
Thirteen, (taking the maParkne) Thank you so much. I might be late tomorrow.
Chase," Your socks are dry. And, unfortunately, so is your shirt, which means you either just changed to greet me, or you need this for something medical. (Thirteen hesitates)"
Chase, I am a doctor.
Thirteen, She's my friend. I was in prison.
Chase, You killed your own brother?
Thirteen," Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't murder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing."
Chase," Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?"
Thirteen," No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave."
Thirteen, Having trouble getting a clear look.
Chase, Try a long axis view from the suprasternal notch.
Thirteen, Wait! Put on some gloves. She's got Hep-C.
Chase, Wonderful. (he puts on a pair of latex gloves) Take it you two were cell mates.
Darrien, Just friends.
Thirteen," She saved me. There's a culture in prison. If you don't have someone to show you how to get the stuff you need and stay away from the stuff you don't, you're screwed."
Chase, Her fingers are turning blue. (to Darrien) Can you move those?
Darrien, My arm's starting to go numb.
Thirteen, Arch of aorta's clear. This can't be an aneurysm.
Chase, Maybe the wound threw a clot. Check axillary arteries.
Chase, Stop. (pointing to a spot on the monitor) Right there.
Thirteen, 5 centimeter gooey mass. Not a clot. Maybe a lipoma?
Darrien, What the hell is that?
Chase, Fat-filled sack. PRobably aggravated by the stab wound. (still rummaging) You got any syringes in here?
Thirteen, (to Chase) Give me that.
Darrien," I was stabbed in my gut, not in my arm."
Thirteen," You lost a lot of blood, gave the lipoma room to swell. It's compressing the arteries in your arm, blocking your blood flow. Maybe we can suck some of it out. You'll be fine."
Thirteen, (inserting the needle) Little pinch.
Chase, That's not a lipoma.
Taub," I don't know why she's Even considering having my kid. She barely knows me. All she knows is I'm a short, balding guy. It doesn't Even make evolutionary sense."
Foreman, You want her to keep it?
Taub, No.
Foreman, 'Cause you'd make a crappy dad.
Taub," I said, ""no."""
Foreman," You're too selfish. That's why you cheated on your wife, why your marriage fell apart�"
Taub," dude, I said�"
Foreman," I know you. The only reason you're sitting in a strip club, ignoring the strip club, is because you actually are considering it."
Taub, Although without crappy dads in the world!
Thirteen, Try moving your fingers again.
Thirteen, Good. Means it's almost drained.
Chase," (pulling on a fresh pair of latex gloves) Not good enough. We don't know if it's gonna come back. We don't Even know what it is � drugs, viruses, toxins from that crack House and God knows where else she's been."
Thirteen," If this were caused by the drugs, she'd have kidney failure, cardiac involvement."
Chase, What about her Hep-C? Could have fried her liver. Loses its synthetic function.
Thirteen," Then her entire body would be swelling, not just her arm."
Chase, That leaves us with toxins. (to Darrien) Where exactly were you when you were attacked?
Thirteen," You're not doing a home search in a crack den, that's insane."
Chase," Apparently, we don't have much of a choice."
Thirteen," It's a crime scene, and it's not toxins or viruses or anything else you mentioned, because it's not a coincidence. Her symptoms have to be related to the stabbing."
Thirteen, What if her body used up all the clotting factors dealing with the stab wound?
Chase," Explains the bloody mass. But if you're right, she could start bleeding anywhere, like in her brain or in her heart."
Darrien, One of those things could start growing in my brain?
Chase, It's time to get you to the hospital.
Darrien," Oh, no. (She looks at Thirteen) Remy, you promised."
Thirteen, (looking up at Chase) All we'll do at the hospital is stick her in a Patient bed and give her IV clotting factor. We can do that right here.
Chase, We could also embalm her right here.
Thirteen," I'll call the drugs in. You go pick them up. If I'm right, she'll be fine. Look, I know you don't know her and you don't care about her, but I do. Please."
Thirteen," Lie down, elevate your shoulder."
Thirteen, You said Andre wasn't responsible for the drugs. What is?
Darrien," Oh, I don't know."
Thirteen," Yes, you do. What happened to you? If you don't deal with the real pRoblem�"
Darrien, I came here because you're a doctor! not a shrink.
House, Ugh!
House, Ah! Ugh! Ugh!
Stripper, Your lap is vibrating.
Taub," Oh, sorry. (He takes his phone out of his pocket to see who is calling) Uh, it's my boss. (He puts the phone back in his pocket) PRobably drunk. Wants a ride home. He can take a cab. Do you have any kids?"
Stripper, Why? You like moms? I could be your mommy. Spank your little ass.
Taub," Mmm, uh, no. I ""� what would you do if you got pregnant? Not by me! at all, but by some hypothetical guy who didn't want to keep the hypothetical kid. What would be the least awful way for him to tell you that?"
Stripper, Don't talk. Just let mama dance for you.
Taub," Should I send flowers? Maybe write the clinic appointment on the little card? Surprise! I hate myself. (He sighs) There's just no good way to�(noticing a mole on her lower back, he touches it) How long have you had this mole? It's asymmetrical."
Stripper, (slapping his hand away) No touParkng.
Taub, Sorry. Have you been to see a dermatologist?
Stripper, Bobby!
Taub," (to Bobby) Oh, uh! I wasn't touParkng her. I was just � oh, God."
Taub, Oh!
Darrien," (to the Man) No. (the Man pulls a gun) No, please don't. Please, please! put the gun down."
Darrien, (loudly enough for Thirteen to hear from the other room) Put it down on the ground and get away!
Thirteen, Dee?
Darrien, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (sobbing) I'm sorry.
Thirteen," Dee, what is it?"
Darrien," I'm so sorry. (Thirteen sits on the bed and hugs Darrien, who is crying) I'm sorry!"
Cuddy, (to Rachel) Why aren't you in your bed?
Brownbeard the pirate on the TV," Jibber me jabbers. I'll give ye splinters in yer arse, ye Mangy bilge rat."
Cuddy, (not believing what she is seeing) What are you watParkng?
Rachel," TV, you bloody scallywag."
Rachel, (whining) Mo-om!
Cuddy, Someone better be dying.
Thirteen, She hallucinated. I need you to go back out. (Chase hands her the medicine he just got) I just called in more clotting factor.
Chase, So she's bleeding in her brain now.
Thirteen," We double up the dose, she'll be fine."
Chase," No. We bring her to the hospital, we do a CT scan to loCate the bleed, drill a burr hole in her skull, and maybe she'll be fine."
Thirteen, We can drill a burr hole here.
Chase, You're not just risking our careers here. You could go back to prison.
Thirteen, I made a promise.
Chase, You made a promise?
Thirteen, I will not take her to the hospital.
Chase, Great. Then I will.
Thirteen, No.
Chase," I'm gonna move you, and then I'm gonna pick your friend up, carry her down to my car, take her to the hospital, and try to save her life."
Thirteen, She's staying here.
Chase, Move.
Chase, (loudly) Move!
Chase, She's going to the hospital.
Cuddy," Sweetie! go wait for mommy by the couch, okay? Go on. (Rachel obeys)"
House, I tried calling Everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Cuddy, Any reason why 911 wasn't on the list?
House, It's not an emergency.
Cuddy, Right. (She kneels on the floor next to the tub) Are you suicidal?
House, (gasping) I'm not attempting bypass surgery. The tumors are small and they're close to the surface. I thought it'd be like! removing a wart.
Cuddy, You couldn't wait till morning; bring your CT scans to an actual surgeon?
House, Surgeons are idiots. They'd just hack away at the muscle until they get worn out.
Cuddy, Or you're just ashamed you've been injecting a drug that hasn't Even gone through safety trials. It's nEver Even been in the huMan body.
House, I got one of the tumors. The second one is close. (nodding to the scan on the wall) You can use the CT to help you find the third.
Cuddy, (getting up off the floor) I'm taking you to the hospital.
House," (pleading) Just""�just excise the tumor."
Cuddy, Absolutely not!
Chase, (glancing back) Elevate her head more.
Darrien, Don't bother. Cops are gonna be waiting at the front door.
Chase, I'll go in first. I'll find a Patient on life support just waiting to die. We'll use their name on all your tests. No one will Ever know you're there.
Darrien, Thanks.
Rachel, What happened to your leg?
House, I was trying to make it better.
Cuddy," He was being reckless. Sit back, Honey. (to House) This isn't about making your leg better. It's about making your life better."
House, Here we go. Wish I had called 911.
Cuddy, Why else would you risk your life doing something so stupid?
House," Well, you know, I've had a lot of setbacks lately."
Cuddy, Don't blame our breakup for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You're just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.
Thirteen, Darrien!
Darrien, (waking with a gasp) Stop screaming. My head hurts.
Thirteen, I need you to stay awake. Talk to me.
Darrien, About what?
Thirteen," When you were screaming in my room, what did you think you saw? You said, ""put it down on the ground and get away."""
Chase, Sounds like a cop.
Darrien," Old habits, I guess."
Thirteen, You were a cop?
Darrien, Back when I was a decent person.
Thirteen, How do I not know this? You knew Everything�
Darrien, Not a good resume when you're trying to survive in prison.
Thirteen, So who were you talking to in my bedroom? Why did you keep apologizing?
Darrien, 'Cause I'm sorry.
Thirteen, For what?
Darrien," I killed a kid. He was 19. I went in first. Saw him going for his gun. I tried to talk him down, but! (she chuckles) They told me I was a hero."
Thirteen, So that's when you started using drugs? I'm sorry.
Thirteen, Darrien? Darrien! (to Chase) She lost consciousness.
House, There are no cars coming. Just go.
Rachel," The light is red, ye bloody scallywag."
Cuddy, Stop with the pirate talk.
House," (imitating the pirate Brownbeard from the cartoon) If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get yer ma to move this ship, you Mangy bilge rat."
Cuddy, (nodding) Of course! You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?
House," If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples."
Foreman," There you are. You were in the VIP room so long, I thought you were gonna pay off that girl's mortgage."
Taub, I got tossed out by Bobby the bouncer.
Foreman, You touched her?
Taub, I was looking at her mole.
Foreman, (chuckling) Genius. Let's go home.
Taub," I want to wait for the girl, make sure that mole's okay."
Foreman," Bobby the bouncer sees you standing out here like a stalker, he's gonna break open your skull."
Taub, It was asymmetrical. It might be cancerous.
Foreman, You want to get your skull cracked open. You're trying to punish yourself.
Taub, I want to fulfill my oath as a doctor.
Foreman, You think you're a screw-up because you got a girl pregnant and you deserve to suffer. You don't. You just need some sleep and you'll handle this mess. Let's get in the car.
Taub, She's pRobably off work soon.
Foreman, (zipping up his jacket) Give me the keys. I'll drive.
Foreman, I'll get a cab. Good luck with Everything. (He walks away)
Chase," You were defending your friend beyond all rationality, granting her the right"
Thirteen, That word means something to some people.
Chase, Not that much.
Thirteen, (looking at the monitor) I don't see the bleed. I'm moving down to the brain stem.
Chase, You promised your brother you'd euthanize him and you think you won't feel bad about it as long as you can blame it on the promise. That's why you have this twisted obligation to keep all promises! or your carefully constructed defense mechanism could crumble down.
Thirteen, (trying to hold back tears) I saved my brother from a lot of pain. (looking back at the monitor) Reconstructed image is clear. There's no bleed in Darrien's brain.
Chase, Image just blurred. Did she wake up?
Thirteen, She's shivering. She must have a fEver.
Chase, Infection?
Thirteen, It couldn't be from the stabbing.
Chase, It has to be from the stabbing.
Thirteen," No, it couldn't be acting that quickly."
Chase," Well, then what's wrong with her?"
Cuddy, Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded?
House, I'm fine.
House, (to Rachel) Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?
Rachel, It was so funny.
House," No, it was so lame. Got a boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank."
Rachel, She floated.
House, That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should have kept her.
Cuddy," We've got to get you into surgery. Where is that nurse? Rachel, let's go find the nurse."
House, 2:00 a.m. Nice of you to call me back.
Thirteen, (talking to House on the phone) Chase and I are in the hospital with a Patient.
House, You've completely run out of ideas and you're calling me to bail you out. I'm touched. Hit me.
Computerized car voice," ComMand, please."
Taub, Call Ruby.
Car, Would you like to call Ruby on mobile?
Taub, No.
House, She on any medication! besides crack?
Thirteen," She was taking Interferon in prison, so I'm guessing she's had Hep-C for at least ten years."
House, Can I guess stuff too? 'Cause that's gonna make the diagnosis really easy.
Thirteen, Prison infirmary isn't known for stellar record keeping.
Chase, And we can't exactly ask the Patient.
House," Yeah, that would have been pre-coma. But how could you have known that it would affect her that way?"
Chase, We didn't think we had anything mysterious until�
House, How about renal cancer throwing clots?
Thirteen, Urinalysis was negative.
House, That's too bad. 'Cause that was my one big idea.
Thirteen, Really?
Thirteen," House? House, you there?"
House, Tell me more about the Patient. What was she doing before prison?
Thirteen," She was a cop. Shot a kid in self defense, nEver got over the guilt, started taking drugs, and got busted."
House, Way to bury the lead. How long ago was the shooting?
Thirteen, I'm not sure. Why?
House," Again, you assumed she's had Hep-C for ten years. Find out when she shot the kid, you'll find out when she started taking drugs, and when she actually contracted the Hep-C."
Chase, And you think this is relevant?
House," It's more relevant than what you got now, which is squat."
House, Three Parkcks just came into my bedroom. I got to go. (He disconnects)
Computerized car voice," ComMand, please."
Taub, Call Rachel.
Car, Would you like to call Rachel on mobile?
Taub, (to the comMand system) No.
Stripper, (backing away from him) What the hell?
Taub, I really am a doctor. I just wanted�
Stripper, Cop another feel? Get away from me.
Taub," No, that mole. I just wanted � please, don't call Bobby."
Taub, (holding up his hands in submission) Just calm down.
Stripper, (scared) Shut up! Sick perv! Get down on your knees! You think I'm kidding? Turn around and get down on your knees!
Taub, Please don't.
Stripper, I said shut up!
Taub," (whispering) Please, please!"
Stripper, You think you're the first guy who thought he was special?
Taub, Please!
Dina, You think you can do whatEver you want? I am not going through that again!
Taub, Please! Please! Please!
Chase, Find anything?
Thirteen, Shockingly! a punk kid getting shot pulling a gun on a cop did not make national news.
Chase, (putting a cup down on the table beside Thirteen) Is your neck okay?
Thirteen," (picking up the coffee cup) Yeah, it's fine."
Chase, I'll get you some ice.
Thirteen, I said it was fine.
Chase, I shouldn't have grabbed you so hard.
Thirteen, You had to. You were right! About Everything.
Thirteen," (sighing) Oh, I got something."
Thirteen, Darrien must have had a different last name then. She must have been married.
Chase, 2008? Is that possible?
Thirteen, We nEver actually talked about how long she'd been in.
Chase, House was right. She could have only had her Hep-C for a few years.
Thirteen, There's no way the prison would have prescribed Interferon unless the lab showed her Hep-C to be chronic.
Chase, (sitting down beside her) So what makes new Hep-C look like old Hep-C?
Thirteen, What if she got a parasite? The Hep-C made her susceptible and the parasite sped up the liver damage.
Chase," Entamoeba. If they were in a parasitoma, the stab wound could have freed them, sent them coursing through her bloodstream, wreaking havoc."
Thirteen," A single bag of Metronidazole. If we're right, she could wake up from the coma in a few hours."
Nurse, They're ready for you.
House, Wait. I want you in there.
Cuddy, I'm not a surgeon. There's nothing I can do.
House," Well, you can make sure that! idiot butcher doesn't cut more than he needs to."
Cuddy, You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.
House," Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg! I want to be sure that that's damn well necessary. (He sighs)"
Cuddy, House!
House, I don't trust him. I trust you.
Thirteen, Can you hear me?
Darrien, Yeah.
Thirteen, You had parasites in your liver. PRobably from a dirty needle or prison! or who knows what? The stabbing made it worse! But you're gonna be okay.
Thirteen, I'm sorry. We had to.
Darrien, I told you I couldn't go back. I shouldn't have trusted you. I nEver liked you. I killed time with you 'cause I was locked in a cage. You were a distraction. Someone to talk to so I didn't have to think about! Everything else.
Thirteen," You're lashing out! I get it. But in a month, you'll thank me."
Thirteen, Or maybe you won't. I don't know. But! I know I saved your life.
Rachel, Is he going to be okay?
Cuddy, He'll be fine. Close your eyes.
Rachel, I wish House still came over to play.
Cuddy," (trying to sound upbeat) Well! maybe you should write him a letter. (Rachel nods) Want to do that? Okay, let's do it."
Taub, Ruby.
Ruby, You look like hell and you smell like�
Taub, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Ruby, Is that glitter on you?
Taub," Just hear me out. Back when I still had my practice, this Patient came in, 50-year-old guy, wanted a tummy tuck. But when we do some prelim work, we discover that his stomach is filled with cancer. So instead of telling him that he's gonna look great at the beach, I got to tell him that he's dying."
Ruby, Were you at a strip club?
Taub," Please. The weird part was I was more upset about the whole thing than he was. He actually had to calm me down. Said he had great kids, raised them right, knew that because of them, he was leaving the world a better place. (taking both her hands in his) I thought I might die last night."
Ruby, At a strip club?
Taub," Yes, I was at a strip club. And while it was happening, I kept thinking about that Patient and how I wish I was like him. I want to have this baby."
Thirteen, Darrien had to shoot that kid. It was the right thing. Completely justified. But it didn't matter. She destroyed her life trying to forget. (her voice breaks) I'm afraid that's what's gonna happen to me.
Chase, You really should talk to someone.
Thirteen, I've talked to a therapist. It didn't help.
Chase," Well, maybe you should talk to someone who isn't a therapist."
Thirteen, (looking up at Chase) Do you really think you have any idea what it's like to live with something like this?
Chase, Let's grab a coffee.
Chase, Late night?
Taub, No. Just haven't had my coffee yet.
Thirteen, Sympathetic yawn.
Thirteen, (opening a file) Ooh! Amish kid collapsed while picking up a hooker. Top that.
Foreman, Missed a call from House last night. He in?
Wilson, (sitting in an easy chair beside the bed) You're lucky.
House, What are you doing here?
Wilson, You hoping for someone else?
House," Hot nurse, candy striper! Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental."
Wilson, You've got mail.
Wilson," (reading the letter) ""I hope your leg feels better and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag."""
House, I have to pee.
Wilson, That's a good sign.
House, (throwing back the blankets) I'm a big boy.
Wilson, (coming around to House's side of the bed) Of course you are.
Wilson, You're an ass.
House," What, for trying to walk on a freshly Mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional pRoblems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific."
Wilson, Come on. Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change.
House, Can I pee first?
House, I know.
Cuddy," Are we, uh, almost done here? I have to call my mother, get my daughter, call the hospital."
Officer Soltes, So he didn't threaten you?
Cuddy, No.
Soltes, No fight?
Cuddy, Not really.
Soltes, Sounds like a yes. [She looks up at him. She gives a very tiny shake of her head.] Was there any indication that something would happen?
Cuddy, Yeah! [mirthless chuckle] Every moment I spent with him. I was always waiting for something to happen. But this! [her face tightens and she shakes her head slightly]
Soltes, And no idea where he is?
Cuddy, No.
Soltes," These domestic situations, it's not uncommon to get cold feet."
Cuddy," Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital again, comes anywhere near me, I want him thrown in jail."
Female Patron, So! we can use any of these?
Luca, Yeah.
Female Patron, And just do whatEver we want to her?
Luca, That's what they're there for.
House, Hey. We were just getting to the good part.
Chase, Is there a good part? It was perforMance art.
Thirteen," That's Afsoun Hamidi. She's a genius. She just won the MacArthur, legally proving it. Just had a retrospective at the Tate Modern. Nobody reads The New Yorker?"
House, Nope. But I subscribe to her Patient file.
Chase," House, you should relax. You had surgery this morning."
House," Minor surgery, removing a drain."
Chase, Put there during major surgery.
House, My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.
Taub, Which doctor was that � Seuss or J?
House, Nurse.
Nurse, Dr. Hourani wrote it in his chart.
Thirteen, I'm surprised he approved it. I'm more surprised you actually asked.
House, I do things like that now. I'm making some changes! like skipping ahead to minute 37.
Chase, [leaning in to watch the monitor] What is that � paint thinner?
Chase, I'm not gonna watch a Woman get set on fire.
House, Philistine.
Thirteen, Who's the guy with the notebook who can't decide what to do?
House," Her assistant. He's been instructed not to intervene. Spoiler alert � he does. [Luca drops what he's holding and wrestles the guy away from Afsoun who moves for the first time, turning her head to watch them. She looks worried.] For her, it is literally heartbreaking. [Afsoun falls off her stool and is stretched out on the floor.] Let the games begin."
Chase," Arrhythmia, high hematocrit, and inconsistent RR variability."
Foreman, You forgot about the fourth symptom � being completely crazy.
Thirteen, One Man's crazy is another Woman's art. Her work explores things like gender politics and self-image.
House, And the pressing issue of shaving your entire body in public while wearing a monkey mask. [He pulls up a picture of that from an on-line article.]
Thirteen, She saw her mom commit suicide and was abused by her stepdad for years.
Foreman, Didn't say the crazy wasn't motivated.
Thirteen," Well, she took that pain and transformed it into art. That's better than a lot of the alternatives."
Foreman, I still vote for nuts. We should run a resting-state functional MRI to look for increased activity in the dorsal nexus.
House, She's not nuts.
Chase, The monkey-mask-shaving medium really speaks to you?
House," What speaks to me is she's elevated being full of crap to a genuine art form and made a fortune doing it. People that pay 20 grand for one of her video stills, on the other hand, really do need their dorsal nexi checked."
Thirteen, Maybe the paint thinner set off an allergic reaction.
Chase, Not without bronchospasm.
Taub, There was a space heater next to her in the gallery.
House, [pulling up the picture of Afsoun lying on the floor] Carbon monoxide poisoning. It fits. Put her in a hyperbaric chAmber.
Jerry, Lisa. You're Cuddy.
Cuddy, What's this about?
Jerry, I'm sorry. I'm Jerry Barrett. I recognize you from the photos. They barely do you justice.
Cuddy, [to the barista] The usual.
Jerry," I'm friends with your sister. She showed me your photos. I-I work at the bank across the street. Um, Julia's my client. She! wanted to set us up."
Cuddy," Oh, I-I'm afraid you have me mixed up with somebody else."
Jerry," N-no, I don't think so. I-I've seen Many pictures of you sEveral times. [She looks at him.] That didn't sound the way I wanted�"
Cuddy, I guess I just have one of those faces. It's nice to meet you.
Jerry," [to her retreating back] Yeah, s-say hi to Cuddy when you meet her in the office you share."
Cuddy," Oh, thank God. The I.C.U. isn't being attacked by giant radioactive spiders."
House, Did I text you that? That was meant for my dream journal. I wanted to return your stuff. Don't worry. I didn't go AWOL. I had my wife-maid bring it over.
Cuddy," My sweater, a coffee mug, a half-used bottle of lotion, and a DVD of ""Marley & Me.""�"
House," Given your thing for Owen Wilson, I thought you might want those last two back asap."
Cuddy, I don't get it.
House, You masturbate to Owen Wilson.
Cuddy, I meant the box.
House," Oh. It's a symbolic gesture. I want things to go back to the way they were before we started dating � no more bad feelings, no more issues, just work. [she nods, skeptically] Thanks for coming."
Cuddy, I haven't Even spoken to you since you hurt yourself.
House, I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. I'm gonna stop doing stupid things.
Cuddy, Great. The smart thing to do would be to talk about why you did it. If you don't understand�
House, I think I could avoid putting another hole in my leg without talking about my mother.
Cuddy," Well, I don't want to find out you're wrong by getting another phone call from you in a bloody bathtub."
House," I'm a big beliEver that the best way to get past the past is to shoot it in the head, bury it in a deep pit, and pour lye on it."
Cuddy, [sitting on the foot of the bed] I'm just asking you to talk about it. You owe me. [He looks suspicious.] Forget about saving your life. You exposed my daughter to that obnoxious pirate cartoon.
House," Bring me lunch tomorrow, and we can plumb my depths."
Luca, I should have known the gallery wasn't ventilated enough.
Thirteen," Hey, if it wasn't for you, we'd be treating her for third-degree burns, too."
Afsoun, That was a mistake. He shouldn't have interfered.
Luca," I told you I'm sorry. I want to share your commitment, but it's hard for me sometimes."
Foreman," Like when she read your love letters in the middle of the New Museum? Yes, I read The New Yorker."
Luca, That was a year ago. And we're � we're not together anymore.
Foreman," Seriously, you weren't really gonna let that guy set you on fire. He was just a plant to get the crowd going, right?"
Afsoun," If that's your interpretation, I welcome it."
Luca," Afsoun beliEves explaining her work limits its potential. But between us, he was real and a total dick."
Foreman, No sane person would let themselves be burned alive for the sake of art.
Afsoun, My work is meant to force the audience to break with the rational and see things in a new way.
Foreman," Fine. No sane person would let themselves be burned alive to ""break with the rational."""
Afsoun, I feel!
Thirteen," Luca, hand me the oxygen mask behind you. [nothing] Luca!"
Taub, Congratulations. It's a gestational sac. Can't see anything this early.
Ruby, I know. I just figured this would help me process what's happening. There's a lot we got to figure out.
Taub," We have almost eight months. You're not having doubts, are you?"
Ruby, No. Are you?
Taub," Definitely not. Nice, cozy home for little Ruben. [Ruby makes an ""ick""� face.] It's a family name."
Ruby, It's a sandwich.
Taub, Named for my family.
Taub, It's just House.
Cuddy," I swear to God, stay out of my personal life."
Julia, Where is the downside here?
Cuddy, Huh?
Julia," Jerry is cute. He's a senior V.P. He kite-surfs in Costa Rica Every winter, and he loves his mother."
Cuddy, Seasonally? Or is that just the kite-surfing?
Julia, Is this about House?
Cuddy," What? Like I secretly wish I could alter the laws of the universe, change who we are, and magically make it work out?"
Julia," Yes, that's exactly what I'm asking."
Cuddy, My sarcasm indiCated no.
Julia," No, your sarcasm indiCated you wanted to avoid actually saying anything. Look, Lisa! all I know is you seem stuck. And I don't like seeing you like that."
Foreman, She got worse in the hyperbaric chAmber. It's not C.O. poisoning.
Thirteen, I think we should consider infection and test the assistant. I couldn't get his attention. He was in a daze.
Foreman," You think that's a symptom? He's in love with her. He was pRobably overwhelmed, couldn't decide what to do."
House, What's he been doing since she was admitted? Did he bring anything from the Patient room to the treatment room?
Foreman," A few things � a handbag, flowers, stuffed elephant."
House, Does she seem like the kind of Woman who needs a stuffed animal?
Thirteen," Who are you calling? [Her phone rings.] Oh, of course."
House," [flirtatious, sleazy] What are you wearing? [fake ""duh""� expression] Oh, I can see what you're wearing. Go to her room."
House, [voice on the phone] Now go address the elephant in the room.
Thirteen, This is a Nanny Cam.
House, [voice on the phone] The reason Luca couldn't decide what to do in the treatment room is the same as in the gallery. He's been told not to intervene. Congratulations. We've become her latest work of art.
Thirteen," It shouldn't have surprised us. All her work is based on personal traumas. She's had Luca taking notes, videotape her treatments, collect things, like sharps and bandages. It'll all go into a gallery installation."
Taub," Well, then I guess as long as long as the exploitation is properly motivated, it's all okay."
Chase, Ultrasound showed a cyst on her pancreas � we drained it.
Taub, Why are we Even discussing this case? She lied to us. It's opening us up to malpractice.
House, Our practice opens us up to malpractice.
Foreman, How do we know she's actually sick?
House, Her being sick is a clue.
Foreman, She would have let that guy set her on fire for the sake of her work. You think she's scared of a little arrhythmia? She pRobably huffed paint thinner.
Thirteen, She would have let him set her on fire because of the honesty of her work. Faking an illness doesn't fit.
House," Thirteen's right � at least her conclusion was. Everything else was laughably wrong. If the Patient induced pancreatitis and a heart attack, she'd be suicidal."
Chase, Exactly. She's risking her life all the time.
House," Exactly. If she wanted to be dead, she'd be dead a long time ago. Pretending to cheat death pays better than watercolors. Coxsackie B fits. But do a spiral C.T. of her biliary tree to rule out gallstones."
Foreman, Fine. I'll get the C.T.
House, Sure. I'd be happy to come with you. Thanks for asking.
Foreman, You're supposed to stay in bed � doctor's orders.
House," If you really cared about me, you wouldn't be so obvious when you scheme to prove me wrong. You volunteered because you want to C.T. her lungs, not her biliary tree. You want to find fibrosis and prove your ""paint thinner"" theory. If I don't come with, when you fail, you'll pretend you nEver tried. I don't really have a choice, now, do I?"
House," Since I've seen your paycheck, I pRobably shouldn't. [He takes the money.] Canned beans aren't so bad! as long as they're cooked over an oil-drum fire under a bridge with the king of the hobos."
Afsoun, I feel dizzy.
Foreman," Pale, diaphoretic, tachycardic, B.P., 80 over 40. Internal bleeding?"
House, Get her out of here and scope her.
Chase, I'm sorry.
Afsoun, Ooh.
Chase," The colonoscopy didn't find the bleed, so we got to look by your liver."
Afsoun," Luca, please. We need to document Everything. [He takes more pictures.] Ooh."
Foreman, Hold this.
Foreman, I'm just below the celiac artery.
Foreman, No blood.
Chase, Could it be leaking into her thighs?
Foreman," [lifting the blanket to look at her legs] No swelling, no asymmetry."
Chase, So where's the blood going? [Foreman inspects Afsoun's feet.] Why are you looking down there?
Foreman, 'Cause I don't like beans.
Cuddy, You stood me up.
House, Sorry. Should have scheduled my Patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.
Cuddy," You're still playing the same petty, passive-aggressive games."
House," Got you to go all the way to the second floor of a building you work in. Boy, did I screw with you."
Cuddy, You said you were going to change.
House, Check the sign. It says you got to treat me with intensive care.
Cuddy," I'm expressing my anger. You should try it. Right now, let's finally have our fight."
House, All we do is fight.
Cuddy," No, all you've done is pull pranks or have temper tantrums with Wilson, nEver me, marry mail-order prostitutes, make me go to your wedding�"
House, Dominika is a licensed aesthetician.
Cuddy, You cut open your own leg.
House, So all this was about you?
Cuddy," You don't think it was Even related? House, we've nEver Even had a conversation about our breakup. You are obviously still angry at me. And it's hurting both of us."
House," Wow, I hadn't realized the incredible healing power of lunch."
Cuddy," I know one conversation isn't gonna solve Everything, but it is a start. [Foreman pulls the curtain open. She turns to him.] It's a privacy curtain."
Foreman, [calmly] It wasn't working.
House," Lunch at 1:00, tomorrow in the cafeteria. You happy?"
Foreman, How Many of those have you had today?
House," I don't know. Is ""your mother"" a number?"
Foreman, The Patient is a fraud. I found a puncture in the dorsal vein of her left foot.
House, Shooting up heroin wouldn't explain�
Foreman," Not heroin. She was injecting herself with her own red blood cells. It caused her heart issues, and when her hematocrit Evened out, we mistook it for internal bleeding."
House, It must have been a very distinctively shaped and awfully talkative puncture for you to get all of that.
Foreman, Browser history on her laptop helped. [He hands House a file folder.] She was researParkng blood doping among other things.
House, She was researParkng me?
Foreman, For months. This isn't about creating art in the moment. It's about you. She set you up.
Soltes, We sent a uni over to his apartment and the hospital.
Wilson," Yeah, he won't be there."
Soltes, Any ideas?
Wilson," When you find him, you're gonna arrest him?"
Soltes, Is there some reason you think I shouldn't?
Wilson," Knowing him, he'll be in a bar. He'll find one that matches how he feels inside. It'll be the most dark, depressing hole you can find in New Jersey."
House, Now you're just pissing me off.
Luca, I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she�
House," If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?"
Afsoun, Please don't take it out on Luca.
House, I'll take it out on whoEver I think will irritate you the most.
Afsoun, I thought you would understand someone who uses their work to deal with pain.
House, I didn't realize that search engines could look within the soul.
Afsoun, You're standing in front of me in a hospital gown.
House, What the hell was the point of this? What personal trauma are you exploiting. I'm! sorry � mining for its artistic potential?
Afsoun," My illness. I did the blood doping to intrigue you, but I was already ill."
Luca, Wait. You're really sick?
House, Why me?
Luca, Do you know what you have?
Afsoun, Yes.
Luca, So tell him.
Afsoun," If I do, there won't be any game for him, and then there won't be any art for us."
House, [annoyed] Why me?
Afsoun, I don't answer those questions.
House," You know, there's a lot of games I could play that don't involve dealing with narcissistic, Manipulative poseurs."
Afsoun," But this is a puzzle tailor-made for you. You don't know which of my symptoms are real, which are fake, which ones I'm not Even telling you about. I know that intrigues you. Do you really want to end it now?"
House, [quietly] No.
Chase, You want us to waste a bed on her?
House, You took an oath! an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while Everyone else was doing the boring one.
Foreman," Even if she is sick, which I don't beliEve, she also says she has a diagnosis. So it's either just a lie, or it's just a game."
House, So what? I like the game. It's fun. Go get a blood culture. Check for parasites and bacteria.
Foreman," This is the new House � half the leg power, twice the irresponsibility?"
House, The new House is about making my life healthier. NEver said anything about yours. Go get her blood.
Thirteen," I'll do it. He's going through a tough patch right now. If this is the distraction he needs to keep him in his hospital bed, I'm sure it's better than any of the alternatives. [she leaves]"
House, That was incredibly condescending. Did it work?
Foreman, Why do you keep ducking your wife's calls?
Taub, Ex-wife.
Foreman, I'm sure she just wants to congratulate you about knocking up a 22-year-old nurse.
Taub, I haven't told her yet.
Foreman," But you have told her you're not gonna sleep with her anymore, right? [silence] How are you planning on letting her know? Just invite her to the bris?"
Taub, I'm trying to let her down easy. Rachel nEver wanted to have kids. I don't want
Foreman, Yeah. You are all about feelings.
Taub, I've loved Rachel for 20 years. What if she nEver speaks to me again?
Foreman, She's gonna find out. It better be from you. You can't cheat your way out of this one.
Thirteen, What is it?
Afsoun," Oh, just the nausea."
Luca, She said her back was hurting earlier.
Thirteen, What's the pain lEvel on a scale of one to ten?
Afsoun, Five.
Chase, How do we know we can take her word for it?
Thirteen," We can't. Fun, huh? [to Afsoun] Roll on your side."
Chase, Grey Turner's sign.
Thirteen, We're done playing. Your pancreas is releasing corrosive enzymes. It'll eat away at the surrounding organs.
Chase, But you must know that. The doctor who diagnosed you would have said what will happen if you don't get treatment.
Afsoun, How Many projects have we done together? You're always so worried. Have you Ever gone wrong trusting me?
Thirteen," That pancreatic cyst we drained � it's back, and she doesn't care at all."
House, You think she actually is suicidal.
Thirteen," I would, but how did she give herself the cysts? Tox screen was negative, and there's no sign of trauma."
House, [reaParkng for his laptop] There is another explanation. The reason she didn't react isn't 'cause she wants to die. It's 'cause she knows she can't do anything about it. WhatEver she has is fatal. [He turns the screen so Thirteen can see the picture House pulled up. Afsoun looks drawn and ashen.] That should narrow it down.
Luca, What are we doing here?
House," Testing a theory. It's based on some stuff you can't understand, like RR variability, and some stuff you can, like the fact that she shaved her head in an art piece four months ago."
Luca, That was a commentary on society's�
House," It was a commentary on the fact that it was gonna fall out anyway, and she wanted to hide why."
Luca," Cancer? Are""�are you sure about that?"
House," See that tumor-ish thingamajig near her ""brainamabob""?"
Luca," [almost inaudibly] Oh, God."
House, Are you getting this? Game's over. I won. Primary CNS lymphoma with associated paraneoplastic syndrome.
Luca, Is that really what it is?
Afsoun," Yes. Four months ago, I had some vision and balance pRoblems, and New York Mercy diagnosed me. The tumor was too close to the brain stem to cut out, so they did a few rounds of radiation. But it didn't work, and they sent me home."
Luca, That was around the time you broke up with me.
Afsoun, We were having a fling. It wouldn't have been fair to involve you.
Luca, I'm involved now. You just didn't want to open up.
Afsoun," Luca, my mind was not clear then."
House," And then you cleared it. Then you realized you could use your death to make your magnum opus. Maybe you wanted to show that no one can cheat death, Even an entire team of doctors with unlimited resources. Or maybe your first doctors didn't treat you like a person � just a series of symptoms. You wanted to re-create that depersonalization. And I was the Man to see."
Afsoun," If that was what I thought, I don't any longer. You spent time with me. You took this personally."
House," No, I didn't. And I don't actually think your piece is about anything. I think you just figured out that you're mortal. You're just a bag of cells and waste with an expiration date. You wanted to act out. You wanted people to notice. [pause] Maybe you Even prayed for a different answer this time. [He picks up the elephant cam and holds it at arms length.] I got a title for your piece � ""It Doesn't Mean Anything."""
Wilson, You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
House, No. [Wilson waits.] What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.
Wilson," 20 minutes ago, I put a notice out to all local pharmacies to require verbal authorization before filling my prescriptions."
House, You have any idea how much extra work you've just given yourself? You're not gonna last a week.
Wilson," I've been dealing with this for years. But it's over � your liver, your hearing, nEver mind the fact that each scrip you write is a separate felony. You will serve time, so could I."
House, You've chosen this moment to give me crap about my Vicodin use?
Wilson, [picking up a pill bottle from the bed table] You filled this three days ago. Now it's almost half gone.
House, So is my leg.
Wilson, It's a month supply. The amount you're taking has nothing to do with physical pain.
House," Okay. So maybe I am trying to numb myself a little, because I'm trying to change, trying to stop being self-destructive."
Wilson, So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?
House, What do you want from me?
Wilson," I don't know, House, but I'm worried about you. I don't know how Many times I can watch you cut off pieces of yourself. Now it's the I.C.U. Next time it'll be the morgue. You're miserable. And you're angry. And I want you to actually deal with that and not just try to mediCate the issue away."
House, No. You know what I feel right now? I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't feel good or bad. I feel! nothing! which feels great.
Wilson, What are you doing?
House," Moving on. In the direction of my House, where I got some more pills."
Nurse," If you're discharging yourself against doctor's orders, you've got to check that box."
House," I'm a doctor. So, technically�"
Nurse, Wouldn't it be easier if you just checked the box?
House, Why are you still here?
Afsoun, I'm going as soon as the nurse brings me something for my eczema. [She fidgets and scratches her chest. House looks interested and moves closer.] I figured it was irritated by the paint thinner poured on me in the gallery.
Luca, Does this mean something?
House, It's not eczema. And it's not cancer.
Chase, It's Wegener's granulomatosis. Biopsy confirmed that what you thought was eczema was actually a swelling of the blood vessels in your skin. It also explains the pancreatitis and the mass in your brain. And it's treatable.
Luca, Um! what's the treatment?
Chase," We could do steroids alone to shrink the growth in your brain, but it's much better to add another course of radiation."
Afsoun, Radiation? On my brain? But it made me fuzzy last time. It was harder to work. I am still slowed down from it.
House," And it'll get worse. But, you know, dying can also do a number on your ability to think."
Afsoun, I'm sorry. I can't do the radiation.
Luca, They just said it was a better treatment. It could save your life.
Afsoun, My life's not worth anything if I can't do my art.
Luca," You have friends, people who care about you."
Afsoun," This is my brain, my work, and my life, Luca."
Luca, You have more. This is not some great perforMance piece anymore. This is just crazy.
Afsoun, I'm sorry.
Luca," I can't watch you die! not when you can save yourself. [he kisses her brown] Good-bye, Afsoun."
House, Good for you.
House, So.
Cuddy," So. Why did I Ever ban alcohol from the cafeteria? Before I forget, there's a brush. Tortoise-shell handle, natural bristles � wasn't in the box. If you could look for it!"
House, Like the Lindbergh baby. You dating anyone?
Cuddy, We don't have to�
House," Look, it's just standard lunch conversation."
Cuddy, Not for us.
House," Okay, well, if you've gone over to the ""we don't talk about things"" side, then I've got a pot roast in the oven. [checks his watch]"
Cuddy, No. I haven't dated anyone since you.
House," Well, you know what they say � once you go gimp!"
Cuddy, We s-should talk about your leg.
House," [rubbing his face] You think I have unresolved issues, and you are the unresolved issues."
Cuddy," Yes. But it's""�it's � I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices."
House," I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. [raises one finger in ""hold on a sec""� Manner] No""�no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I wanted to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. [Cuddy watches but doesn't react.] WhatEver the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. [getting up, fake cheerful] Good lunch."
Cuddy, House! talk to me!
House, I already did.
Cuddy," No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days."
House, Get out of my way.
Cuddy," No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me."
House," [loud] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt."
Cuddy, I know. I'm sorry.
House, It's not your fault.
Afsoun," Did I make the wrong choice? Five years, through Every opening, Every installation, Every day and Every night, he was there the whole time."
Thirteen," Except the first time you were diagnosed. You broke up with him, and you had to go through all of that alone. Maybe that's the real reason you're doing this piece � so that this time you can have him with you. You still could."
Cuddy," Hi. Uh, Cuddy. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry about the other day. I � there were some personal things going on in my life, and I wasn't at my best."
Jerry," Well, in retrospect, my approach could've come off as a little creepy."
Cuddy," No. [laughs] On a scale from one to creepy, you were maybe mildly unnerving."
Loudspeaker," Paging Dr. StateMan. Dr. StateMan, please."
Taub," Rache. Sorry I ducked your calls. I keep making the same mistakes, but at some point�"
Rachel, Chris! I'm pregnant.
Taub, I! didn't expect that.
House, Sorry. Just checking the stitches on my penis. [pulls his jeans up.]
Thirteen, Your leg okay?
House, It's healing.
Thirteen, Good. Just came to grab the radiation-therapy forms.
House, What?
Thirteen, Afsoun changed her mind.
House, [to Luca] Get out. [He leaves and he turns to her.] You made a decision.
Afsoun, I changed my mind.
House, Why?
Afsoun, Because there are more important things than�
House," Than what � than your brain, your abilities? It's where Everything comes from � any meaning in your life, any happiness."
Afsoun, Not all happiness�
House," He's already left once. He's gonna leave you again. You don't need to depend on people who are gonna let you down. If you do this, you're a pathetic hypocrite. You're saying that your whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless�"
Afsoun, [fighting tears] Why are you doing this?
Wilson, [through the door] House I can hear your phone ringing.
Wilson, You alright? You go to lunch with Cuddy?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, How was it?
House, The pasta Arrabbiata was cold.
Wilson, Why don't we get a drink? We could go to the Sawmill.
House, Cuddy's is on the way. I need to return this.
Wilson, You think she's going to have an emergency tangle?
House, It was on my mind. I want to get it off.
Wilson, Want me to come?
House, If I get in trouble? I'm delivering a hair brush.
Wilson, What just happened?
House, Get out.
Wilson, What just happened?
House, [enunciating] Get out.
Wilson," House, what are you mad about? Just let it out. You'll feel better."
Wilson, Aah!
House, [cheerfully] You're right. I feel much better.
Bartender, You want another one?
House," No, I think I've had enough. What do you think I should do today?"
Bartender, I don't know. [hopefully] Go home?
House, Not tonight. Cheers.