Inside our three-month effort to attend Apple's iPhone 7 launch party

It's been a number of years since an Apple PR staffer secretly admitted to one of our reporters that The Register was on a blacklist.

We also learned that they were under strict instructions never to admit to the blacklist – presumably because it would make one of the world's largest companies look, you know, pathetically petty.

And so, for a decade now, we have played a game where we ask Apple's US office for review products or to attend launches or go to events and they respond with silly expressions like "I'm sorry, but we cannot accommodate your request" or "all the seats are taken" or the current favorite "you are on our media waitlist."

Back in June, I decided it was time to stop playing the game. Or, more accurately, play a different, more persistent game in which we encourage Apple to either get over itself and kill our blacklisting or simply admit it and stop the pretense.

Today – on the day Apple will reveal its iPhone 7 to the press in San Francisco – we present that effort:

To: Ted Miller Hi Ted, Just wondering if there is going to be any HomeKit related news at WWDC (and so whether I should pay attention to it)? Also, are you a good person to ask for a press pass to the conference?

Subject: WWDC and HomeKit? Hi Kieren, Thanks for reaching out. Unfortunately, we don't pre-announce any news or give a heads up on what we may be announcing. As for a media pass, my colleague Michaela, copied here, is our point person, but I believe at this point we are booked solid. We did announce a live stream of the keynote, so you can follow along on Monday. http://www.apple.com/apple-events/june-2016/ Ted

Unfortunately this is another Apple white lie: the company routinely provides information on its upcoming products to "friendly" publications but always claims it doesn't. So I got back.

Thanks Ted, I asked because today I've been seeing lots of pre-announcements. Quick examples: http://www..loopinsight.com/2016/06/08/phil-schiller-apple-making-major-changes-to-the-app-store/ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/2016/06/08/apple-to-launch-major-overhaul-of-app-store-with-paid-search-ads/ Either way, would prefer to be at the conference, especially since it's so easy for me to get to (we're right by Montgomery BART) so if you could chase up for me. I'm just one person.

The next morning, an email from Alan Hely, a senior comms person at Apple, appears. Alan become my go-to person for all future inquiries..

From: Alan Hely Thanks for your emails Kieren. At this stage WWDC is a sell out. We have allocated seats for media but those too are taken. Sorry we cannot accommodate you this year. Best wishes.

Ok, thanks Alan. Can you put me on the list for the next conference now so I can be guaranteed a spot? Also, do I need to chase you up on something like this so my request doesn't get lost? Kieren

So far, so normal. Apple pretends there just isn't space and we let it drop. But not this time. One month later...

To: Alan Hely Hi Alan, Just occurred to me that Apple typically has an event in September too. Can put me down on the list for that too please. If you need any additional details, just ask. Kieren

To: Alan Hely Just following up on this Alan. I know you must be busy but want to make sure you have me down for the September event too. I understand Apple might be refreshing its laptop line. Just occurred to me that you may be on holiday and that's why you haven't got back yet. I highly recommend using an automated vacation reply if that's the case – saves all sorts of misunderstandings. All the best, look forward to hearing back from you. Kieren

Thanks Kieren for your email. You make three assumptions. The first re: a "September event." We haven't announced an event in September. That you "understand Apple might be refreshing its laptop line." Speculation. And that when I go on holiday I don't put an OOO on. Wrong. As mentioned before, should we have an event in the future we will look at media to invite that are relevant to the news of the day. We will of course make all media aware of how to cover the news should we host an event. Best wishes. A

Hi Alan, I'm worried I may have offended you. Not something I intended – especially as you seem to be the gatekeeper to Apple events. I did notice though that for the past three years, Apple has held big events in September – on the 9th in 2015 and 2014 and on the 10th in 2013 – so I just wanted to make sure I was on the list for this year's. Anyway, I hear you re: laptops. I know you're not allowed to confirm things but I can read between the lines – so thanks for the tip. Will you let me know when the September event is announced so I can formally request an invite? Kieren

Alan goes silent again. So, one month later...

To: Alan Hely Hi Alan, Looks like I was on the right lines. Did you see an article on Bloomberg on 10 August that said Apple was planning to refresh its MacBook Pro – and at an event in two weeks time – 7 September? I feel foolish now – I should have picked up on your hints and written a story. I hope this won't discourage you from helping me out in future. Anyway, I know it hasn't been officially announced yet but could you put me on the list for the upcoming event. Do you know if it will be at Apple HQ or Moscone? Excited to see what Apple has done with the laptops and also I hear a new iPhone! Should be exciting. See you there! Kieren

Still nothing. But five days later, Apple officially announces that – guess what – it actually will have an event. And on 7 September. Time to let Alan know, complete with a new subject line.

Subject: Event next week (was "WWDC and HomeKit?")

To: Alan Hely Hi Alan, So it's official: 7 September at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Can you confirm I'm on the press list? Thank you

Kieran I have placed you on the waiting list as all media seats are allocated. We expect high take up for the event and will keep you posted should an opening appear.

This doesn't seem right, so I let Alan know.

Hi Alan, I have to say I don't find the idea of there not being room very credible. I've been to the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium – it's huge. In fact, I just looked it up and it has a 7,000-person capacity.. How many seats have you allocated for the media? And how long is this waiting list?

As I said Kieren, I have placed you on the waiting list. Will let you know if a space becomes available.

It took seven minutes to contemplate this new information.

Hi Alan, I have a couple of questions and a related press query. * How long is the waiting list? (will be helpful to know likelihood of attending) * When will you let me know if space is available? I am happy to check in with you each morning if you wish – do you have a telephone number I can call? On a related note, seeing as you'll be announcing new laptops, does Apple have a response to this site that offers "full Mac OSX" laptops? http://hacbook.com/ I'm assuming this is not an officially licensed Apple product. Thank you

Alan goes silent again. And so the next morning...

Morning Alan, Just following up on this. There's only a week to go and as I've been saying since June, I'm keen to attend. Are you able to explain to me how the media waiting list concept works? I've never come across it before. Do you reserve publication slots or a specific number of seats? I know a lot of other tech journalists and I am sure they would figure out a way to give up a seat so I could attend. If you're willing to work with me, I am sure we can resolve this. On the hacbook press query, I assume you're still working on a response so you should know that our Australian office has already covered the story here. You can still send some information through but I will forward it to the relevant reporter or an editor.

It takes some time for Alan to respond this time. But in the meantime, amazingly, the email software I use starts informing me that someone at Apple is opening other emails I have sent to the company. Of particular note: a request earlier this year asking for a review copy of the new Apple TV. That email, and my follow-up three months later are repeatedly opened.

It dawns on me that Apple may actually be doing research on my many, many efforts to elicit some sort of response from the company on a whole range of issues over the past few years. Is it possible that Apple is actually reconsidering its blacklist? Has it finally grown up?

From: Alan Hely Hi Kieren Yes sure. Our media list consists of media we work with and who review our products and as you know we don't have a relationship with the Register and I don't believe you review products. With global events such as this we need to prioritize given limited space and extremely high demand across the world for access. That's why I have said we will put you on the waiting list. Regarding the hacbook query we'd decline to comment on that story adding on background you do realize it isn't a product that is shipping.

Overlooking the fact that Alan is not being entirely truthful here about us not reviewing products, let's be positive and try to resolve this issue once and for all. Or, alternatively, see just how far down the rabbit hole we can go...

Hi Alan, This is great news. Let's start that relationship now. We do review products – in fact I recall emailing asking for a copy of the latest Apple TV back in February and following up in April – but I never got a reply. If you like I can send you a list of product reviews written by myself and others. If that is the only barrier facing us, we can knock it down today. Put me on the list and I can promise you a review of at least one of the products Apple is due to announce next week. An iPhone 7 or whatever you decide to call the new laptop(s). What do you say? Are we on? Kieren Oh, and thanks for your follow up re: hacbook.

As I said Kieren you are on the waiting list. Thanks.

Come on Alan, don't get stuck in the corporate treacle, you have a chance to do some good here – and get additional coverage for your employer. As you yourself said, the whole waiting list idea was predicated on a wrong assumption: that we wouldn't review Apple products. Looking at it from that perspective, all the strange behavior makes sense: why would you invite someone to a product launch event if they're not going to write about the products? But we will. There's still plenty of time to correct this mistake, the event isn't for a week. If it's a bureaucracy thing and you don't have the authority to make a change, I'd be happy to talk to your boss about it, help oil the gears. Let me know what you want me to do. Kieren

Alan copy-pastes his previous response (you can tell by the color of the text) and sends it back.

Now's not the time to give up. So, the next morning:

Morning Alan, Just checking in with you. Are you waiting to see whether some media outlets say they aren't going to attend? Or is it a matter of them having to actively confirm they wish to attend? If the first, there's little benefit to them to responding, so I'm concerned there will be space but you won't know it until the day. If the second, is there a cut-off response date? If so, I will know when is best to check in with you about possible spaces. Also with respect to this waiting list – is there an order to it? Is it first-come, first-served? Would be good to know where we are in the list.

Nothing. So a day later, it's time for a more drastic approach – use the "P" card.

Hi Alan, I get the sense that I have hit a bit of a brick wall with you. As such, I would like to appeal to your sense of professionalism. My job is to write tech news, and big product launches are a key part of that. I can – and have – covered launches remotely, but I find it is always better to physically be there, especially if you are able to talk to people who have been working on those products for years. Frustrated at not being allowed into WWDC, I did the right thing and asked ahead of time to attend the next one. We have quite a trail of emails here going back months where I have respectfully requested to attend the next big product launch. It is much easier for me to follow a webcast and write a story but I wish to invest my time and energy in digging deeper and writing more rounded articles. Whether you realize it or not, you have been quite unhelpful in that goal. I was ready to put your responses down to sheer laziness – which is surprising because Apple has never struck me as that sort of company – but when you explained it was your understanding that we did not write product reviews, I realized that with such a high-profile company you are probably fielding all sorts of unsuitable requests and mine had fallen into some kind of bucket. I feel we have resolved that misunderstanding, so it is a little disheartening to receive the same stock response about a media waiting list, especially when you seem unable or unwilling to provide even basic information about what that actually means or the likelihood of being able to attend an upcoming event. I have no doubt you are a very capable communications professional and you are most likely overloaded with work, but can I appeal to your better nature and ask you to disperse with whatever unnecessary barriers exist that are preventing Apple from simply confirming my attendance at the event next week. We can work forward from there. Thanks

The next morning, amazingly, the phone rings. It's Mandy from Apple's PR department and she is calling on behalf of Alan. It's not good news, as I related back to Alan three days later...

Hi Alan, So the big event is tomorrow but I'm afraid I'm still none the wiser about whether I can attend or not. I got a call from someone called Mandy on Friday who said she was calling on your behalf. She left me disappointed and confused, I'm afraid to report. First off she said that the waiting list was closed. I'm not sure why she said this since you've been saying we're on the waiting list for quite a few weeks now. She also couldn't provide any more information about the list. I'm beginning to wonder whether this waitlist exists at all to be honest, since no one seems to know anything about its contents or how it functions. She then, somewhat bizarrely, offered to email a link on Monday to the webcast of tomorrow's launch. As you no doubt know, yesterday was Labor Day and everyone was on holiday – as was Mandy it seems because I never received an email. But beyond that, I'm confused as to why you would ask one of your staff to call to offer a link to a public webcast. I can only assume there was some kind of miscommunication. Sadly, all of this is making Apple look a little hapless. Honestly, I expected better from such a huge and successful organization. Anyway, getting back to the point: is there a spot available for me at the event tomorrow? If you don't know right now, when will you know latest? Is it worth me simply turning up and asking for you by name?

Maybe it was offering to use his name at the front door to the event that ended Alan's self-imposed silence.

From: Alan Hely Hi Kieren Yes I asked Mandy to call you to say that we do not have a seat for you at the keynote and that you would be able to watch it live online at http://www.apple.com/apple-events/september-2016/.

Thanks for clarifying Alan. What do you think of my plan to turn up regardless in case someone doesn't turn up and there's a spare space? I could wait in the foyer. Do you know if security has a copy of the waitlist? Is your name a good one to give if there are questions? Or is there someone who runs things on the day who would be better to reach out to?

Alan knows if he can just hold out a few more hours....

Kieren, security will not allow turn ups on the day. All media seats are pre allocated with confirmations received. It's full. You can watch it live online.

Well that would appear to confirm it. But best check in with Alan one more time before the big launch.

Ok, March it is then. I want to make sure I'm on the attending list this time. When's best to follow up with you? Kieren

As to the question why The Reg is blacklisted by Apple, well, who knows for sure.

Perhaps it was the fact that our story, including the headline "APPLE: SCREW YOU, BRITS", was read out in the London High Court as evidence when Samsung complained about Apple's mealy-mouthed apology. Perhaps it was our spirited coverage of its deceased cofounder. Or that we pointed out that HomeKit isn't happening any time soon. Or Jagwyre. Or maybe Apple execs just don't like Dickens' Great Expectations.

The truth though is that large tech companies, especially in Silicon Valley, often use access to their events and their executives as a way to force positive coverage of themselves. If you write one bad thing about them, they threaten to stop talking to you. If you ignore the warnings, they blacklist you.

Unsurprisingly, The Register is not all that flexible when it comes to tech companies trying to intimidate us into writing nothing but positive press coverage. The question you should be asking yourself is: does that mean that everyone who is invited to Apple's events can be relied upon to self-censor any negative comments? (Quick clue: the answer's yes.) ®

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Dad And Son Are Seconds From Assassination By ISIS... Then Quiet Click Half-Mile Away Happens

The savages in the Islamic State group had picked a father and his eight-year-old son to be sacrifices in their sick execution game. However, a member of the British Special Air Service made sure that they would be safe in the most unlikely of ways.

According to Express.com, the execution was about to occur after Islamic State group forces marched into a Syrian town along the Turkish border. Seeking to "cleanse" the town, they were executing any remaining Shiite residents.

The father and his son were picked out because they refused to denounce their faith. However, an Iraqi spy had tipped off the Special Air Service, and the elite British military force had fixed a sniper on the attempted assassination.

"Through binoculars, the soldiers could see that the crowd were terrified and many were in tears," a source said of the execution site.

The leader of the Islamic State contingent, flanked by several guards with AK-47s, then called for the father and son to be brought before him.

"A tall bearded man emerged and drew a long knife," the source continued. "He began addressing the crowd and slapping the father and his son around the head and kicking them onto the floor."

That’s when the SAS sniper took action (H/T Mad World News).

"The ISIS thug who was about to decapitate the father was shot in the head and collapsed," the eyewitness said. "Everyone just stared in confusion. "The sniper then dispatched the two henchmen with single shots — three kills with three bullets. It was a good day’s work."

Indeed it was. While President Barack Obama has been unwilling to commit U.S. ground forces to the fight against the radical barbarians of the Islamic State group, at least our allies are willing to do what needs to be done.

If only we had American special operations troops over there who could end these savages’ reign of terror.

Please like and share on Facebook and Twitter if you support the fight against the Islamic State group.


Kanye West Reveals His Favorite Song... Of All Time

In a new interview with Harpers Bazaar, Kanye West finally revealed his favorite song of all time: "‘All Along the Watchtower.’ The Jimi Hendrix cover."

Seem random? It shouldn’t. ‘Ye has compared himself to Jimi Hendrix in the past. In a 2012 interview with W Magazine, he said:

Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermès factory. Shit is real. You’re not going to find a chink. It’s 100,000 percent Jimi Hendrix.

But this is, of course, subject to change. His favorite song of 2016 (so far) is "Friends," his collab with Francis and the Lights, which also features Bon Iver. His fave song of 2015 is Justin Bieber’s "What Do U Mean?".

And 2014? Most likely Fetty Wap’s "Trap Queen"—at least according to Fetty Wap.

Yeezy’s favorite Kanye song of all time? "Can’t Tell Me Nothing." So Kanye.

While we patiently wait for ‘Ye to do a rendition of "All Along The Watchtower," you can read the rest of his interview with Harpers Bazaar here.


Here’s how to shave your balls (since that's apparently what you're Googling)

Look, Google will tell you things. And peace be with you if anyone ever hacks your search history.

But while using Google for a story on how to shave your neck beards, we noticed that there was something even more important to searchers:

The first suggested result, on multiple users' laptops across the newsroom (and yes, using the incognito window), was "how to shave your balls."

Well if it's a thing you want to know about, then we are here for you, dear readers. But instead of merely Googling the answer, we went a step further and asked an expert for guidance: Chris Harderr, a man who keeps his area trim like his life depends on it. And it actually does, because he's a male burlesque -- "boylesque" -- performer and a gay porn actor.

Here he is, possibly but probably not manscaping with a Dirt Devil:

Still feeling DIRTY! #dirtydetroit #getharder this week @wasabassco 's HOUSE OF DEVERAUX FEB 27 at @houseofyesnyc @goldenglamazon www.HARDERburlesque.com A photo posted by Chris Harderr (@harderburlesque) on Feb 21, 2016 at 7:03pm PST

"It’s funny," Harderr told HuffPost. "When I first started performing, everyone shaved everything. At gay bars and gay clubs, body hair was not really as popular as it is right now, as far as working in the gay adult industry and gay popular culture. [Now,] everyone wants body hair. Chest hair is the new black. Which for me is great because I’m naturally very hairy."

So whereas Harderr doesn’t manscape his little co-stars as much as he used to, "I do like to keep it trim."

"The ball sack is its own little mystery," Harderr said. "It’s always changing shape depending on its mood. So the trick is to get it in a really positive, happy mood. And then, it’s lot of time and attention to detail."

"I really make sure to stretch the skin appropriately, really create flat shapes with your ball sack," he said. "You really make sure you pull the skin, because you want it to be as taut as possible. God, it sounds awful but you don't want to clip any wrinkles or furrows, you know."

And "definitely do it in the shower. Not only for mess, but in convenience. It’s like shaving your face -- if you heat up your pores they’re going to be more open to being hacked away by a razor. I would use shaving cream because it has the chemicals in it to make your skin pliable to the blade, to warm everything up."

"I just use a really simple men's electric groomer and that always does the trick, but some guys like to do actual Bic razors (I find that’s how you get ingrown hairs and all the nastiness)."

Here's How To Shave Your Balls, Since That's What You're Googling


A "blood moon" is coming Oct. 8 -- and here's how to see it

If you've been feeling a strong urge to howl lately, there's a reason why: A full "blood moon" is coming Oct. 8. Just check out the NASA video above.

All werewolf jokes aside, the total lunar eclipse will be the second -- and final -- "blood moon" of the year. It will be visible in the United States and Canada early Wednesday morning, with better viewing for those in the western part of the continent, as indicated in the map below.

The full eclipse will start at 6:25 a.m. EDT and last until 7:24 a.m, according to NASA.

Full lunar eclipses are often called "blood moons" because of the reddish tint they adopt as sunsets and sunrises seen from Earth reflect onto the surface of the moon.

Because this eclipse will happen two days after a lunar perigee, which is the point when the moon is nearest to Earth, NASA says the moon will appear 5.3 percent larger than the previous "blood moon," which occurred on April 15.

This eclipse marks the second in a series of four lunar eclipses in a row, known as a "tetrad." We'll experience just eight tetrads this century, according to the Washington Post, and we won't experience the next tetrad until around 2032 or 2033.

Second Lunar Eclipse Of 2014 To Bring 'Blood Moon' On October 8

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Former "Pippi Longstocking" star Tami Erin was arrested Saturday (Dec. 14) for DUI and felony hit-and-run.

Erin was arrested in Los Angeles on Saturday afternoon after hitting three cars on three separate occasions and fleeing the scene. When cops found her, they conducted a field sobriety test and said she was "totally out of control ... just out of it."

The former actress was arrested and held on $100,000 bail, according to TMZ. One person was taken to the hospital after the incident.

This is the second time Erin has been arrested in recent months. Back in April, she was taken into custody for allegedly assaulting her roommate.

The 39-year-old is famous for playing Longstocking in "The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking" back in 1988. She did little else in the entertainment business after that; however, she did make a move into the adult entertainment biz this past fall with her very own sex tape, TMZ previously reported.

Her ex-boyfriend reportedly attempted to shop around the XXX footage of the child star, but she decided to take matters into her own hands.

"I’m happy I took control of the situation and made a decision as a strong independent woman. I love who I am and I love my sexuality ... I’ve seen the sex tape now and it’s hot," Erin told RadarOnline.com last month. "Making love is beautiful and a very important part of a relationship. Everyone does it, everyone has sex ... I’m a famous actress caught doing it."

Fox News reported Erin made $10,000 off the sex tape, but she told Radar she actually made "much more" than that.

'Pippi Longstocking' Star Tami Erin Arrested For DUI, Felony Hit-And-Run

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You'll never guess Rob Lowe's weird favorite smell

Welcome to Represent, a sporadic series where we ask celebrities specific questions about their side hustles.

What do celebrities smell like? We know what they look like and what they sound like and what they act like, and sometimes we get reports about what they're really like, but smell is a difficult thing to translate. Anyway, Rob Lowe—in the process of branding and fostering his very own cologne, called 18 Amber Wood—is letting you know what he smells like. To celebrate his transparency, we spoke to him only about smells.

Hi, Rob. Do you spritz perfume directly onto your skin, or do you orchestrate a walk-through situation?

I have done both and eventually found the walk-through method feels a little silly for me. It feels a bridge too far for me, as a guy.

Which of your five senses would you choose to heighten if you could?

I’m biased because I’m deaf in one ear. So it would be fun to hear stereo, because I’ve only heard mono my whole life. Ironically, I don’t think it would be scent. There are probably less things that I want to smell than things I don’t want to smell. So not hearing or scent...

Who doesn’t want to have X-ray eyes? I probably wanted to have X-ray eyes starting at puberty, if you know what I’m saying.

Which sense would you part with, if you had to lose one?

These are like Sophie’s Choice questions. I want all my senses. Give me some guidance! What would you do?

Oh, I don’t know, I hadn't thought about it! Honestly, I guess I would lose taste, because I’m a texture eater anyway.

We can still have our crunch and our creams. Alright, thank you. [Takes an audible bite of food] I’m doing the same thing.

I hope this is not a rude question, but you took a bit of a pause. Are you eating something now?

Yes. You started talking about taste, and I have to have one more bite of this tostada. I swear, I’m not going to do it again. I’m eating a tostada salad. I love spicy salsa. It’s a sinus-clearing level of hot.

If you could taste this 18 Amber Wood smell, what food would it be?

Well, we just talked about spicy food. It's like that bold flavor of pepperoncini. It makes a statement, but you can wear it for the largest amount of occasions.

What was your signature teenage cologne?

I was in high school when Polo came out. You can only imagine what an effect that Polo had in my high school. That was a game-changer. It’s still as great as it ever was. When I smell it today, I’m right back to my junior prom.

Oh, everybody. It was Polo and turned-up collars on our Izod shirts. And—I’m not kidding or saying this to curry favor—just beginning to read GQ.

That’s nice, thank you. Was it bothersome to you as a teenager that everyone was wearing the same cologne?

One of the things I’m enjoying about shepherding this company is the mentoring element. I'm talking to men of all ages, but particularly the young demographic about When do you want to stand out, when do you want to take a risk? When do you want to be bold? When is it best to play it safe? Young men in high school want to stand out and want to be like their peers. I see it today with my own sons. They’re in college. They all wear similar fragrances. Finding a way to do that and have your own identity is key.

In high school, did you ever try to cover up cigarette smell or other nefarious scents with cologne?

My trick was this: So the cigarette smell would be on your fingers, and you can’t wash your hands because that would require you getting into the house first. So I would pick up chunks of grass on the lawn and rub it all over my fingers. I figured smelling like the inside of a lawnmower was better than smelling like nicotine.

Do you ever put on a cologne to change your mood?

Yes. This smell was inspired by that. It’s for the red carpet moments in everybody’s life. For me it might actually be a red carpet. For another man, it might be a big job interview that he’s been waiting for or a date or an event. I wanted to make something that when you put it on, it was game on.

Do you like the smell of gasoline or burnt toast, any of those things you’re not supposed to?

Celery. I actually know somebody who puts celery under their pillow because they like it so much.

I mentioned to him I liked celery and he told me. It was the beginning of a good friendship. I do enjoy the smell of gasoline. One of my favorite ones is really rare moments right before or after a summer electrical storm, where ion is in the air. The ultimate clean of the elemental smells is the undercurrent of electricity.

You’ll Never Guess Rob Lowe’s Weird Favorite Smell