Goldilocks is a FOX!
by J. J. Guest (2002)
Genres: Literary
Children's
Humor

Staggering back from yet another wild student party, blonde bombshell Goldilocks decides to take a shortcut through the enchanted forest. All she really wants is a nice hot bowl of porridge and somewhere to sleep off her hangover - but something tells her that quaint little cottage isn't as innocent as it seems... Goldilocks is a FOX! is a zany romp through the world of fairy tales. Along the way you'll meet a host of familiar characters, albeit not quite how you remember them!

action: %
response: ADRIFT 
Visit J. J. Guest's website at: www.groundchuck.co.uk
Inform port by ralphmerridew (ralphmerridew@gmail.com)
Inform version 1.0, April 2006
Type ZOOM IN, ZOOM OUT, or ZOOM AWAY to toggle automapping. (Do not use with Gargoyle due to bugs.)

Man, what a party! That was a night to remember - actually it'll be a miracle if I remember it at all tomorrow! Oh, by the way, I'm Goldilocks. I'm a nineteen year old blonde bombshell and I'm on my way back from yet another crazy art school party. It's about five AM and the sun's already up, as are the birds, who are doing their level best to aggravate my hangover with their bloody singing! I could really use something to eat and somewhere to sleep off this hangover, but something tells me I shouldn't have taken this shortcut through the forest. I have a really baaad feeling about it...
Goldilocks is a FOX!

A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees.
An old pedlar is sitting on a log here, tending to his bunions.
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You examine the pedlar
response: He looks distictly shifty - he'd look more at home on a market stall in Hackney Wick than wandering around an enchanted forest.
The pedlar is carrying a battered suitcase.
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 5:04 AM.
action: You ask the pedlar about the wares
response: 'Beans! Get your magic beans! Only one cow a packet!'
action: You ask the pedlar about the cow
response: 'That's right love, just one cow for a whole packet. Bargain.'
action: You ask the pedlar about the beans
response: 'That's right love, magic, they are. Not your ordinary beans, these.'
action: About yourself
response: I'm about 5' 10", 19 years old with stripey tights and Doc Martens, and I'm named after my really cool strawberry blonde dreadlocks. Basically I'm a Fox, but you knew that already.
action: You look around
response: A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees.
An old pedlar is sitting on a log here, tending to his bunions.
action: Go south
response: I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds its way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared!
action: Wave
response: I wave, feeling foolish.
action: You climb the tree
response: I don't see much point in doing that. Besides, I'd only ladder my tights!
action: You go south
response: I'm wandering in the forest lost and completely disorientated! Everywhere I look there are strange, twisted trees, and what's more they all look exactly the same! I'm beginning to think it was a really bad idea to leave the path...
action: You climb the tree
response: I don't see much point in doing that. Besides, I'd only ladder my tights!

Can't help feeling I'm being watched...
action: Sing
response: My singing is abominable.
action: Smell
response: I smell nothing unexpected.

Uh-oh - what's that? I could have sworn I saw a pair of big, yellow eyes staring at me through the leaves...
action: You go west
response: I'm walking in a trackless wilderness of tall, straight trees whose mighty trunks remind me of the time I got lost among the Axminsters at CarpetWorld aged six. I can go in just about any direction, but they all look the same to me.
action: You go north
response: I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds its way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared!
action: You go west
response: As I head off along the path a pathetic, mangey looking wolf jumps out from behind a bush and slobbers at me in what he probably hopes is a menacing way.
'I am the Big Bad Wolf!' says he. Then, after an awkward pause he
adds 'well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to ask me the way to Grandma's house?' He looks at me quizzically for a moment and then slaps his forehead.
'My humblest apologies!' he says. 'You are not the young woman I
seek. She of the crimson shawl must needs be elsewhere!' He darts back into the forest.

I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest.
action: You ask the pedlar about Wolf
response: 'Lots of wolves around here, love. Got to be careful, you have. Nearly got eaten by one myself, I did. But see, I'm clever. Canny. Outsmarted him, love. They're none too bright, your average wolf.'
action: You ask the pedlar about the beans
response: 'That's right love, magic, they are. Not your ordinary beans, these.'
action: You ask the pedlar about the cow
response: 'That's right love, just one cow for a whole packet. Bargain.'
action: You ask the pedlar about the tree
response: 'Do you know what? I hadn't even noticed them. Want to buy some beans?'
action: Go west
response: I'm pretty sure that's the direction I came from when I entered the forest, so let's go a different way.
action: You go west
response: I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest.
action: You go to the north
response: I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west.
action: You read the sign
response: Trespassers will be prostrate.
action: You look at the cottage
response: Talk about bijou! It's not much bigger than a shoebox. There's a little chimney on the roof.
action: You examine the stones
response: A crazy-paving path that leads around the side of the house towards a small garden. It's lined by rows of large stones that have for some reason been painted white. Somebody's been watching too many of those gardening programmes on TV.
action: You take stones
response: That's hardly portable.
action: You go to the west
response: I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow.
action: You look at the plot
response: It's in a sunny spot by the side of the cottage. There's a bunch of leaves sticking out of the ground there; weird! Also in the plot is an overripe pumpkin.
action: You examine the pond
response: The Three Bears' attempt at a 'water feature' is rather small and choked with pond weed. I think I see something small and green moving below the surface!
action: You get the pumpkin
response: Taken.
action: Examine leaves
response: Just sticking out of the ground. Wacky. I wonder who put them there.
action: You get the leaves
response: I take hold of the leaves and give them a good yank. Something pops out of the ground in a great shower of earth! There seems to be some kinda root vegetable actually attached to the leaves. Weird; I always thought these things came from tins!
action: You examine the root
response: It's big and lumpy and covered in mud. Do people actually eat these things?
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a turnip
an overripe pumpkin
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You examine the pond
response: The Three Bears' attempt at a 'water feature' is rather small and choked with pond weed. I think I see something small and green moving below the surface!

The Three Bears' attempt at a 'water feature' is rather small and choked with pond weed. I think I see something small and green moving below the surface!
action: Drink pond
response: There's not enough water to swim in.

There's nothing suitable to drink here.
action: You enter the pond
response: Two things: One; the pond is only two feet deep. Two; I'm not swimming in a murky bloody pond. Okay?
action: You eat the pumpkin
response: I think I'll pass on that, thankyou.
action: You examine the pergola
response: It leads into a small meadow bounded by a rickety fence.
action: You enter the shed
response: I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs.
In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.'

I can also see a pair of secateurs and a ratty old paintbrush here.
action: You examine the secateurs
response: A pair of pruning clippers, for pruning things I guess. What does pruning have to do with prunes? The pair of secateurs are covered in rust.
action: You get it
response: That's hardly portable.
action: You look at it
response: I've seen more hair on a skinhead but at a pinch it's probably still serviceable.
action: You examine the trunk
response: It's a battered old thing with the words 'FISHING TACKLE' crudely painted on the lid. The old metal trunk is closed.
action: You open it
response: I open the trunk. It contains some sticks of dynamite. If this is what Papa Bear thinks of as fishing tackle I dread to think what he uses for hunting - a Sherman tank, perhaps?
action: You look at pots
response: The plant pots are piled precariously against the wall of the shed.
action: Search pots
response: I find a trowel and a pair of gardening gloves, which I take.
action: You move the pots
response: Those are fixed in place.
action: You look at dynamite
response: There are three sticks, each about six inches long and an inch in diameter. The fuses are extremely short, as though some evil rodent has been nibbling at them!
action: Light dynamite
response: I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that without matches. I was in the girl scouts, but they kicked me out after two weeks.
action: You go to the north
response: I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden.
Daisy the cow is standing here, chewing disinterestedly on a mouthful of hay.
action: You examine the turbine
response: It appears to be a 5 KW battery-charging turbine made from wood, old tractor parts and a washing machine motor, probably connected to the cottage by an underground cable. See - I'm not just a pretty face! (Though you have to admit, I am pretty.) The sails are not currently moving since the air is completely still.

There is what appears to be an oil can sitting on a platform near the top of the turbine.
action: You get can
response: I can't reach it from here! It's all the way up on top of that rickety structure!
action: Climb turbine
response: There's no way I'm going up there! It's a deathtrap!
action: You look at Daisy
response: Must be the oddest looking cow I've ever seen! She has four knees! I strongly suspect that it might be two men in a suit, but it is to all intents and purposes, a cow.
action: You ask Daisy about the turbine
response: "Mooooo!"
action: You ask Daisy,  to go south
response: Daisy the cow has better things to do.
action: You show the turnip to Daisy
response: Daisy jumps up and down excitedly when she sees the turnip. I don't think I've ever seen a cow do that before!
action: You pull Daisy
response: That would be less than courteous.
action: You give the turnip to Daisy
response: Daisy gobbles down the turnip excitedly before sidling over to me and nuzzling my chest. I get impression she thinks I've got more turnips hidden somewhere about my person. I can't imagine where she gets that idea.
action: Go south
response: I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow.
Daisy the cow walks towards me from the north.
action: You go south
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move north, east and in.

Daisy curtsies towards some imaginary audience.
action: Go east
response: I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west.
Daisy the cow walks towards me from the west.
action: You go east
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move north, south and west.

Daisy curtsies towards some imaginary audience.
action: Go south
response: I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the north.
action: You go west
response: I'm lost in the forest, surrounded on all sides by dense foliage. I knew it was a bad idea to stray from the path! I can go in any direction, but I haven't a clue which is the right one!

From somewhere comes the blood-curdling howl of a wolf...
Daisy the cow walks towards me from elsewhere.
action: Go east
response: I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds its way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared!
Daisy the cow walks towards me from the west.
action: Go north
response: A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees.
An old pedlar is sitting on a log here, tending to his bunions.
Daisy the cow walks towards me from the south.

'Ah, now there's a lovely specimen!' says the Pedlar, getting up from his log and feeling Daisy's knees. He seems satisfied. 'all present and correct! Here you go love - you'll be cured in no time!' He opens his suitcase and hands me a small packet, then leads Daisy off into the forest.
action: You look at the packet
response: It's a packet of magic beans. There are some instructions written on the back of the packet.
action: You read the packet
response: 'For a giant beanstalk, plant bean in a sunny spot and water well. As a cure for non-rabbit-head-itis, take one bean daily, preferably with a meal. If symptoms persist, consult your local wizard. BEST BEFORE: MARCH 1976'
action: About yourself
response: I'm about 5' 10", 19 years old with stripey tights and Doc Martens, and I'm named after my really cool strawberry blonde dreadlocks. Basically I'm a Fox, but you knew that already.
action: Go north
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

I can also see a milkbottle (in which is a crumpled note) here.
action: You read the note
response: 'Dear Snookums, three pints tomorrow please - one regular, one skimmed and one semi-skimmed. From your little Fuzzy-wuzzy'
action: You look at the dustbin
response: An environmentally sound way of disposing of all the objects I'm finished with. The battered old dustbin is empty.
action: You put the bottle in the dustbin
response: I put the empty milkbottle into the battered old dustbin.
action: You open the packet
response: I open the small packet, revealing a magic bean.
action: You eat the bean
response: I'd have to be holding it.
action: You eat the bean
response: I have a feeling that non-rabbit-head-itis is an affliction that mainly affects rabbits. I'm not sure what kind of effect the bean would have on a human being. Are you sure you want me to go through with this?
action: No
response: That was a rhetorical question.
action: You fill the bottle
response: Okay, I filled the bottle with water from the pond. Yeeurrggh! My hand is covered in pondslime now! Thanks a lot!
action: Plant bean
response: Okay, I planted it in the vegetable plot. Nothing seems to be happening. So much for the "magic."
action: You pour the water on the bean
response: (the bottle of water on the magic bean)
Okay, I watered the magic bean. After a few moments there is a low rumble from underground. The ground begins to shake violently...

Aaah! Something shot out of the ground and knocked me flying! I'm lying spreadeagled on the ground beneath this MASSIVE beanstalk! Well, I say massive, actually it stops abruptly just above the roof of the cottage.

Damn, I seem to have dropped all my stuff...
action: You get all
response: broken bottle: Taken.
overripe pumpkin: Taken.
pair of secateurs: Taken.
ratty old paintbrush: Taken.
some sticks of dynamite: Taken.
trowel: Taken.
pair of gardening gloves: Taken.
small packet: Taken.
crumpled note: Taken.
action: Climb beanstalk
response: If Jack can do it, so can Goldilocks!
At the top of the beanstalk
I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimen. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here.
action: You examine the roof
response: There's a little chimney stack attached to which is a TV aerial. The roof is a little too high for me to reach.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimen. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here.
action: You jump
response: Okay... Oof! Fortunately for you I had a soft landing on the thatched roof of the cottage...
On the roof
I'm perched precariously on the roof of the cottage, trying desperately not to look down. There is a chimney here attached to which is a TV aerial. It kind of spoils the chocolate box look of the place if you know what I mean. The top of the beanstalk can be seen poking up above the roofline.
action: You examine aerial
response: It looks a little out of place on such a picturesque little cottage.
action: You take it
response: That's hardly portable.

That's hardly portable.
action: You turn it
response: Okay - that should improve the picture!
action: You enter the chimney
response: Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again?
In the kitchen
I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a spoon, a large bowl of hot porridge, a medium-sized bowl of cold porridge and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You examine the dresser
response: It's an olde worlde pine number. Looks like it's seen quite a bit of use over the years. The kitchen dresser is closed.
action: You open it
response: I open the kitchen dresser, revealing a gigantic bowl.
action: You examine the gigantic bowl
response: An earthenware bowl with the word "GRAMPA" glazed on it. It's bigger than the large and medium bowls put together. The gigantic bowl is empty.
action: You take the gigantic bowl
response: Taken.
action: You pour large into gigantic
response: (the large bowl into the gigantic bowl)
large quantity of hot porridge: I pour the large quantity of hot porridge into the gigantic bowl.
action: You pour the medium into gigantic
response: (the medium-sized bowl into the gigantic bowl)
medium quantity of cold porridge: Okay, I poured the cold porridge and the hot porridge into the gigantic bowl. Now I have one gigantic bowl of JUST-RIGHT porridge! Now why didn't the Three Bears think of that? I guess I must be smarter than the average bear!
action: You look at tiny
response: Which do you mean, the tiny little bowl or the tiny quantity of just-right porridge?
action: Look around
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You go to the north
response: I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There is an upright freezer in the corner and some sturdy shelves stacked high with box after box of McScottie's porridge oats. The kitchen lies to the south.

On the shelf is a matchbox.

Over in the corner of the pantry, underneath the shelves is a mousetrap.
action: You get the matchbox
response: Goldilocks and the Three Bears; the sad tale of a kleptomaniac who went too far and collapsed under the weight of her own inventory. Taken!
action: You look at the oats
response: The bears must spend a fortune on porridge oats - there must be three hundred cartons here! I wonder if they save the coupons?
action: You examine the mousetrap
response: A simple little gadget designed to deliver swift and painless death to harmless little rodents. There's a dead mouse in it right now. He seems to have been lured there by a large wedge of cheese.
action: You get the mousetrap
response: Fine, fine, no problem - I'll just balance it on top of my head. What did your last slave die of?
action: You open the freezer
response: I open the freezer, revealing a packet of frozen pork chops.
action: You look at the chops
response: There are three pork chops in the packet. Why am I not surprised?
action: Look around
response: I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There is an upright freezer in the corner and some sturdy shelves stacked high with box after box of McScottie's porridge oats. The kitchen lies to the south.
action: You examine the shelves
response: One of the bears is obviously into DIY.
action: You get the pork
response: I already have that.
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl of just-right porridge
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You examine the cheese
response: It's stale and hard as a rock!
action: Go south
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You go to the east
response: My first impression upon entering the entrance hall of the Three Bears' cottage is of hundreds of eyes staring glassily down at me from every corner. Virtually every forest creature from the tiniest shrew to the largest moose is represented in a macabre collection of hunting trophies. And not just forest creatures either; I'd swear that some of these heads are human! On one wall is a full length portrait of the bear clan. A narrow staircase leads upwards, and there are doors to the north and west. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.

'Ding-Dong!' The doorbell rings. A booming voice can be heard from the direction of the front door: 'Little pigs, little pigs, LET ME IN, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!'
action: You open door
response: I open the door a tiny crack. As I do so, the mangy looking wolf I encountered on the path barges into the hall, his beady eyes darting this way and that.
'I'm going to eat you little piggies!' he snarls. 'Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.' Then he notices me and his expression turns to one of bewilderment. 'My dear girl,' he says 'we really must stop meeting like this. It is not you I seek, but the Three Little Pigs. I waited two whole weeks for Little Red Riding Hood, after devouring her grandmother who was exceedingly tough and chewy and quite frankly I have had enough of the taste of humans. Go tell those snivelling pigs it's breakfast time!!'
action: You give the pork to Wolf
response: 'Here you go, Wolfie!' I say, shoving the pork chops under his quivering nose. He recoils in amateur-dramatic horror.
'Cretinous child!' He roars, 'I can't possibly eat those! Do I look like an arctic fox? Am I similar in appearance to a polar bear? Nay, I am a wolf! A wily wanderer of the woodlands! Were I to attempt to eat those my delicate jaws would shatter like glass! Take them away, and don't bring them back until they're medium rare!'
action: Go north
response: 'Now then,' says the wolf, 'if you've quite finished interrogating me, I shall be off in search of those elusive ungulates.'

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Three chairs are arranged around a small coffee table; a large chair, a medium-sized chair and a tiny little chair.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You look at the copy
response: All the latest gossip on the Fairyland royal family. Let's see; "Who's going to be at the Royal Ball?" Hmm. "How to get the Rapunzel look." Ho hum. Wait, what's this; "It's the latest craze that's sweeping the nation - the must-have toy that every real princess won't want to be without. Golden Balls have become the bestselling plaything at Geppetto's toy superstore..." Oh, please - what's a princess going to do with a ball made of solid gold - she'd only drop it in a pond or something!
action: You examinthe knick-knacks
response: Oh, you know, the usual things - glass animals, plaster models of peeing cherubs; the sort of things I would take to a car-boot sale rather than bring back from one. They're of no interest to me.
action: You gethe knick-knacks
response: That's hardly portable.
action: You examine the chair
response: Which do you mean, the large chair, the medium-sized chair or the tiny little chair?
action: Large
response: It's a huge overstuffed leather affair covered with leather buttons. It looks well worn, as though the person it belongs to has nothing better to do than sit on a horrible hard chair all day. A filthy antimacassar is draped over the back of the chair.

One of the buttons on the arm looks slightly different from the others...
action: You examine the antimacassar
response: A nasty, frilly lacy thing that old people drape over the backs of chairs for no good reason. It's old and grubby and is embroidered with the initials P.B. There's something underneath it...
action: You move it
response: Nothing obvious happens.
action: You take it
response: Bloody hell! There are electrodes concealed underneath it! Papa Bear must be a little tetchy about other people using his chair - he's wired it up to the mains! There's a cable connected to the electrodes which presumably supplies the juice.
action: You get the antimacassar
response: I already have that.
action: You examine the cable
response: I guess Papa Bear's a bit touchy about other people sitting in his chair! A cable attached to the electrodes disappears into the back of the chair. I think it must supply the power to those electrodes!
action: You look at the medium chair
response: It's a disgusting shade of pink with orange flowers but it looks really comfortable! If someone really heavy sat on that they'd sink without trace!
action: You examine the tiny chair
response: A small self-assembly chair of Swedish design that evokes the wholesome, healthy lifestyle of the Scandinavian people. On the bottom it says 'Made in China.'
action: Look around
response: From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Three chairs are arranged around a small coffee table; a large chair, a medium-sized chair and a tiny little chair.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You go south
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.
action: You examine the rug
response: A slightly motheaten pelt with wildly staring glass eyes, previously worn by Grampa bear I presume. Waste not want not, I suppose, but kind of icky all the same. Someone has rather creatively shaved the word 'welcome' on his back. I wonder if they waited until after he was dead...?
action: You move the rug
response: Nothing obvious happens.
action: You take the rug
response: I pick up the bearskin rug. Oh,  wow, there's a trapdoor hidden underneath the rug! What a stupid place to put it - right in front of the front door. Someone could have a nasty accident if they didn't know it was there!
action: You open the trapdoor
response: I open the trapdoor. A set of rickety wooden stairs lead down into darkness.
action: Go upwards
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: Wear rug
response: I put on the bearskin rug.
action: Go upwards
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
action: You look at the window
response: It affords a view of the clearing in front of the house. The window is painted shut and doesn't look as though it's been opened in years. There's a tiny point of light flitting about outside the window!
action: Light
response: What do you want to light?
action: You open the window
response: Generations of careless decorators have repeatedly painted over the catch making it impossible to turn. No matter how hard I try I can't open it with my bare hands!
action: You open the window with the trowel
response: Do you want me to break a nail or something?
action: You look at the sleeping Beauty
response: She's sprawled across Baby Bear's bed, fast asleep and still wearing her party dress. Drunk, I shouldn't wonder. Oi! Beauty! This is my fairytale! Hoppit!
action: You wake her
response: I shake her violently and yell in her ear; 'Wakey wakey!' but to no avail. She murmurs something in her sleep about a kiss, and then resumes snoring. The lazy cow.
action: You kiss her
response: Okay - but this had better work, bozo!

(I pucker up and give her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek.)

Yeuch! That was vile! And it didn't work either - it looks as
though only a kiss from a handsome prince will wake her! Typical bloody princess - too fussy for her own good if you ask me!
The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room downwards.
action: You look at the tiny bed
response: Ooh, what a sweet 'ickle bed! It looks just big enough for 'ickle ole' me, but somebody got there first! It's that lazy cow Sleeping Beauty! There's no way I'm snuggling up next to that bimbo!
action: You look around
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
action: You examine the huge bed
response: It's very large and very uncomfortable looking, and is covered by a single rather thin looking blanket. Is this guy some kind of masochist or what?
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from below.
action: You examine the blanket
response: It's threadbare and patched in several places, but otherwise quite uninteresting.
action: You examine the medium bed
response: This thing has so many quilts and eiderdowns piled on it that I fear the frame will give way under the weight. Mama Bear is heading for some real back trouble in later life.
action: You search the huge bed
response: On the huge bed is a rather thin blanket.
action: You take the blanket
response: Wow! Now I understand why the huge bed felt so hard! What better way to conceal from your wife the fact that you've spent your family's entire annual porridge budget on a full sized snooker table than to give up your conjugal rights altogether and disguise it as a bed! Boy, could this couple use some marriage guidance!
The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room downwards.
action: You look at the snooker table
response: No wonder it was so hard! The "bed" was actually a full sized snooker table with pockets and everything...
action: Search pockets
response: In one of the pockets is a cue ball.
action: You take the cue ball
response: Oh great. More junk. We're building up quite a collection, aren't we?
action: Yes
response: That was a rhetorical question.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from below.
action: You look at the cue ball
response: Shiny, round and white.
action: You examine Wolf
response: What big eyes he has! What big teeth he has!! And what a big...
...oh, never mind. For some reason he is dressed as an old woman in a bonnet and nightgown, but each to their own, I say.
'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off downwards.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: I am carrying:
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl of just-right porridge
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Go downward
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: You ask Wolf about the Beauty
response: 'Enough talk! There are more important matters at hand - such as lunch! Where are those pigs?'
action: Close trapdoor
response: I close the trapdoor.
action: You examine the trophies
response: On one of the walls there are several animal heads mounted on wooden plaques. It's hard to tell given the appalling quality of the taxidermy job, but I'd swear that some of these heads were once human. No cuddly teddy bears, these three!
action: You look at the portraits
response: One wall is dominated by a rather amateurish painting of the Three Bears signed by Mama Bear herself. I can't see her winning the Turner Prize anytime soon! The rest are portraits of more distant members of the bear clan, including Grampa Bear and Grandma Bear. I guess even the three bears have forbears!

That's odd; for some reason Papa Bear is only wearing one sock.
action: Go outside
response: 'Well,' says the wolf, 'it was nice talking to you, but I really must be off. Those piggies won't get eaten all by themselves.'

I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

door shut behind me!
action: You go west
response: I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof.
action: Climb beanstalk
response: If Jack can do it, so can Goldilocks!
At the top of the beanstalk
I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimen. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here.
action: You go to the west
response: I'm lost in the forest, surrounded on all sides by dense foliage. I knew it was a bad idea to stray from the path! I can go in any direction, but I haven't a clue which is the right one!
action: You examine the trees
response: There's an arrow carved into the bark of one particular tree! It's pointing to the west!
action: You go west
response: A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees.
action: You go north
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
action: Go north
response: I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden.
action: You climb the fence
response: No thanks, I'd only get lost in the forest.
action: You examine the turbine
response: It appears to be a 5 KW battery-charging turbine made from wood, old tractor parts and a washing machine motor, probably connected to the cottage by an underground cable. See - I'm not just a pretty face! (Though you have to admit, I am pretty.) The sails are not currently moving since the air is completely still.

There is what appears to be an oil can sitting on a platform near the top of the turbine.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: I am carrying:
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl of just-right porridge
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You throw cue ball at the oil can
response: I hurl the cue ball at the can of oil in the hope of knocking it off the platform, but I've never been much good at that sort of thing. the cue ball misses the oil can completely and lands a short distance away.
action: You eat the porridge
response: Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.
action: You take the cue ball
response: Yeah, sure, whatever - I'll just tuck it under my chin or something. Taken.
action: You wear the gloves
response: I put on the gloves, but they're much too big for me and feel just a little loose!
action: You examine the pond
response: The Three Bears' attempt at a 'water feature' is rather small and choked with pond weed. I think I see something small and green moving below the surface!
action: You ask the pond about the pond
response: I can only do that to something animate.
action: You take Ball
response: I already have that.

Damn! The gloves just dropped off my hands! Yes, both of them, at the same time! What are the chances of that?
action: You take the gloves
response: This could be the pair of gardening gloves that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Light dynamite
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought some sticks of dynamite would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 281 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You get hair
response: That's fixed in place.
action: Light hair
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought my dreadlocks would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 284 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Light paintbrush
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought the ratty old paintbrush would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 285 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You look at trowel
response: It's a thingy for digging little holes in the garden.
action: You examine the pergola
response: Through the pergola to the south is the garden.
action: You throw Ball in the pond
response: Right idea, I think - just wrong kind of ball.
action: You enter the shed
response: I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs.
In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.'
action: You examine the cobwebs
response: They're absolutely everywhere. It doesn't look as though this place gets a lot of use.
action: You examine Ball
response: Shiny, round and white.
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You examine the blanket
response: It's threadbare and patched in several places, but otherwise quite uninteresting.
action: You cut the blanket
response: (with the pair of secateurs)
Cutting that up would achieve little.
action: You examine the porch
response: A little thatched porch over the front door. It would be quite pretty except that someone has seen fit to paint it gold. Whoever it was has obviously seen one too many episodes of "Changing Rooms."
action: You open door
response: Unfortunately the door locked automatically when it blew shut.
action: You enter the chimney
response: Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again?
In the kitchen
I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge. 'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north.
action: You look at the fireplace
response: Must be where Mama bear cooks all her porridge. I don't know why she doesn't just get herself a microwave. The hearth is cold and full of ash. Something glints among the embers...
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: You search the ash
response: I fish around in the embers until I find an old brass key. What a ridiculous place to keep it! I pick it up in case it comes in useful. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the east.
action: You examine table
response: It looks rather rustic, which is to say that it looks like a bunch of logs crudely nailed together.
action: Go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is a closed trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the west.
action: Up
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
action: You look at the Beauty
response: She's sprawled across Baby Bear's bed, fast asleep and still wearing her party dress. Drunk, I shouldn't wonder. Oi! Beauty! This is my fairytale! Hoppit!
action: Kiss Beauty
response: Forget it! Once was more than enough, thankyou!
action: You look at the table
response: No wonder it was so hard! The "bed" was actually a full sized snooker table with pockets and everything...
action: You look in the pockets
response: one of the pockets is empty.
action: Go downward
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is a closed trapdoor.
action: You open the trapdoor
response: I open the trapdoor. A set of rickety wooden stairs lead down into darkness.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: Light match
response: I take a match from the box and strike it. The match flares briefly...

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.

and then goes out.
action: Up
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You look at the portraits
response: One wall is dominated by a rather amateurish painting of the Three Bears signed by Mama Bear herself. I can't see her winning the Turner Prize anytime soon! The rest are portraits of more distant members of the bear clan, including Grampa Bear and Grandma Bear. I guess even the three bears have forbears!

That's odd; for some reason Papa Bear is only wearing one sock.
action: Look around
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: You examine the trophies
response: On one of the walls there are several animal heads mounted on wooden plaques. It's hard to tell given the appalling quality of the taxidermy job, but I'd swear that some of these heads were once human. No cuddly teddy bears, these three!
action: Go west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You go to the north
response: I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There is an upright freezer in the corner and some sturdy shelves stacked high with box after box of McScottie's porridge oats. The kitchen lies to the south.
action: You examine the fireplace
response: Must be where Mama bear cooks all her porridge. I don't know why she doesn't just get herself a microwave. The hearth is cold and full of ash.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the east.
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You put the note in the fireplace
response: ...
action: You put the trowel in the fireplace
response: ...
The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the north.
action: You enter fireplace
response: That's not something I can enter.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: You go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: Go east
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move north, west, up and down. The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the west.
action: You sit in the medium chair
response: Wow - this chair is soooo soft it's unbelievable! A little too soft! Lucky I'm so light or I'd sink right into it.
action: You stand
response: I get out of the medium-sized chair.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Three chairs are arranged around a small coffee table; a large chair, a medium-sized chair and a tiny little chair.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the south.
action: You sit in the medium chair
response: The Big Bad Wolf has better things to do.
action: You examine the large chair
response: It's a huge overstuffed leather affair covered with leather buttons. It looks well worn, as though the person it belongs to has nothing better to do than sit on a horrible hard chair all day. As if it wasn't uncomfortable enough already, the chair is fitted with electrodes!

One of the buttons on the arm looks slightly different from the others...
action: You examine the electrodes
response: I guess Papa Bear's a bit touchy about other people sitting in his chair! A cable attached to the electrodes disappears into the back of the chair. I think it must supply the power to those electrodes!
'As much as I've enjoyed chewing the fat with you,' says the wolf, 'I'd rather be chewing on some crackling. Now where are those pigs?' 'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the south.
action: You look at the button
response: Whereas all the other buttons look like part of the upholstery, this one is bright red and has the word "activate" written on it!
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the south.
action: You tell Wolf about the windmill
response: This provokes no reaction.
The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the south.
action: You go south
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: You go upwards
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
action: You open the window
response: Do you want me to break a nail or something?
action: You look at the window
response: It affords a view of the clearing in front of the house. The window is painted shut and doesn't look as though it's been opened in years. There's a tiny point of light flitting about outside the window!
action: You break the window
response: I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I might frighten away that tiny point of light, whatever it is.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: I am carrying:
a copy of 'Hail!' magazine
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a wedge of cheese
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Descend
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the west.
action: You open the door
response: The front door is open. It creaks slightly in the draught.
action: You look at the door
response: The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment.
action: Leave
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

door shut behind me!
action: You look at the dustbin
response: An environmentally sound way of disposing of all the objects I'm finished with. The battered old dustbin is empty.
action: You put the bottle in the dustbin
response: I put the broken bottle into the battered old dustbin.
action: You look at the plot
response: It's in a sunny spot by the side of the cottage.
action: Light pork
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought the packet of frozen pork chops would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 24 out of a possible 100, in 385 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You open the packet
response: Which do you mean, the packet of frozen pork chops or the small packet?
action: You cook the pork
response: How?
action: Examine can
response: It's out of my reach I'm afraid. Papa Bear must have left it up there when he built the turbine.
action: You throw Ball at the can
response: I hurl the cue ball at the can of oil in the hope of knocking it off the platform, but I've never been much good at that sort of thing. the cue ball misses the oil can completely and lands a short distance away.
action: 2
response: You need to find something to wedge it open with.
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I stop the front door from blowing shut?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 3
response: If you really want to know, don't ask me. Watch TV and read a magazine.
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I stop the front door from blowing shut?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: You enter the chimney
response: Okay... Oof! Fortunately for you I had a soft landing on the thatched roof of the cottage...
On the roof
I'm perched precariously on the roof of the cottage, trying desperately not to look down. There is a chimney here attached to which is a TV aerial. It kind of spoils the chocolate box look of the place if you know what I mean. The top of the beanstalk can be seen poking up above the roofline.
Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again?
In the kitchen
I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge. The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: Wedge door with cheese
response: Okay, I wedged the door open with the stale cheese.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the west.
action: You give the mouse to Wolf
response: (first taking the dead mouse)
The Big Bad Wolf doesn't seem interested.
action: You tell Wolf about the windmill
response: This provokes no reaction.
'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears upwards. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'
action: Go west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: Go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: You go to the north
response: From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Three chairs are arranged around a small coffee table; a large chair, a medium-sized chair and a tiny little chair.
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a dead mouse
a copy of 'Hail!' magazine
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open but empty)
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Light magazine
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought the copy of 'Hail!' magazine would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 27 out of a possible 100, in 408 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Hint
response: (1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) What should I do with the pond?
(3) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(4) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 1
response: You need to generate some power first.
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: Y.
response: With a little help from an old friend...
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) What should I do with the pond?
(3) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(4) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 4
response: Remember your fairy tales!
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: Y.
response: Only a kiss from a handsome prince can wake her!
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) What should I do with the pond?
(3) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(4) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a dead mouse
a copy of 'Hail!' magazine
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open but empty)
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from above.
action: You feel
response: What do you want to feel?
action: Up
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. 'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears upwards. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a dead mouse
a copy of 'Hail!' magazine
an old brass key
a pair of gardening gloves
a cue ball
a rather thin blanket
a bearskin rug (being worn)
an antimacassar
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open but empty)
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from above.
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 11:55 AM.
action: You examine the dress
response: It's the latest in charity shop chic. Okay, so the hemline used to be a little bit lower. I got a bit scissor-happy, okay?
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: You examine the rug
response: A slightly motheaten pelt with wildly staring glass eyes, previously worn by Grampa bear I presume. Waste not want not, I suppose, but kind of icky all the same. Someone has rather creatively shaved the word 'welcome' on his back. I wonder if they waited until after he was dead...?
'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north. I can hardly keep my eyes open...
action: Up
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
So tired...
action: You lie on medium bed
response: Sorry, what was that you said? I'm having trouble concentrating...
A large shadow looms over me...

Before I can turn around, someone lays a large heavy paw on my shoulder. I turn my head to see three shaggy forms bearing down on me, if you'll excuse the pun, their hot, fetid breath in my face.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' snarls Papa Bear.
'Who's been sitting in my chair?' growls Mama Bear.
'Who's been planning to sleep off her hangover in my bed, but
didn't quite get around to it yet?' says Baby Bear. 'Left it a little too late, didn't you Goldilocks? Should have kept an eye on the time - it's noon and we're back from our walk now, and we're very, very upset! What shall we do with her, Pater?'
'I think she'd look lovely on our trophy wall,' says Papa Bear. 'especially with all that lovely hair.'
He produces a red hot poker from behind his back. 'But first I
think we'll take her down to the dungeon and have ourselves a little fun...'

Uh-oh. There's no getting out of this one! Somehow, I think the adventure is over...
I have so far scored 27 out of a possible 100, in 420 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 11:49 AM.
action: 2
response: If you really want to know, don't ask me. Watch TV and read a magazine.
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) What should I do with the pond?
(3) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(4) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 0
response: The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the east.
action: You lie on the tiny bed
response: I'm not snuggling up next to her! There's not enough room, for one thing, and she snores, for another!
action: You lie on the medium bed
response: I lie down on the medium-sized bed and immediately begin to sink into its suffocating folds. I manage to claw my way out, gasping for breath. There's no way I'm sleeping in that bed tonight!
action: You go to the west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge. 'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north. I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: Descend
response: It is pitch dark, and I can't see a thing.
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: You go south
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move north, west, up, down and out.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the west.
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: Exit
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
I can hardly keep my eyes open...
action: Go west
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move south and in.
So tired...
action: You go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the west.
action: You go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
action: Go inside
response: I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs.
In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.'
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: Search pots
response: I find nothing of interest.
I can hardly keep my eyes open...
action: You examine the pots
response: The plant pots are piled precariously against the wall of the shed.
So tired...
action: You search the cobwebs
response: Sorry, what was that you said? I'm having trouble concentrating...
A large shadow looms over me...

Before I can turn around, someone lays a large heavy paw on my shoulder. I turn my head to see three shaggy forms bearing down on me, if you'll excuse the pun, their hot, fetid breath in my face.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' snarls Papa Bear.
'Who's been sitting in my chair?' growls Mama Bear.
'Who's been planning to sleep off her hangover in my bed, but
didn't quite get around to it yet?' says Baby Bear. 'Left it a little too late, didn't you Goldilocks? Should have kept an eye on the time - it's noon and we're back from our walk now, and we're very, very upset! What shall we do with her, Pater?'
'I think she'd look lovely on our trophy wall,' says Papa Bear. 'especially with all that lovely hair.'
He produces a red hot poker from behind his back. 'But first I
think we'll take her down to the dungeon and have ourselves a little fun...'

Uh-oh. There's no getting out of this one! Somehow, I think the adventure is over...
I have so far scored 27 out of a possible 100, in 420 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Wedge door with cheese
response: Okay, I wedged the door open with the stale cheese.
The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the west.
action: You go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
action: Break pots
response: Now why would I want to do a thing like that?
action: You pull the pots
response: I can't reach the ones at the top, so I try to pull one out from near the bottom. Moments later the entire pile is lying all over the floor in fragments.
action: Look around
response: I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. The floor is littered with pieces of broken plant pot and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs.
In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.'
action: You get the trunk
response: That's fixed in place.
action: You look in trunk
response: The old metal trunk is empty.
action: Hint
response: (1) Can I eat the porridge in the large and medium-sized bowls?
(2) What should I do with the pond?
(3) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(4) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 4
response: There is, but it is cheating; you won't get the best ending if you do this.
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: You examine Forest
response: It's really quite pretty - the way the early morning sun shines through the treetops dappling the forest floor. I'd like to be able to tell you what kinds of trees there are but I got kicked out of the Girl Scouts for - let's just say - gross misconduct - with one of the Boy Scout leaders...
action: You examine sign
response: NO TRESPASSING IN STRANGE LITTLE COTTAGES
DO NOT STRAY FROM THE PATHS
(Unless you want to get seriously lost, that is!)

DO NOT FEED THE WOLVES!
action: Dig
response: What do you want to dig?
action: You examine the beanstalk
response: Aren't these things supposed to lead to castles in the clouds with giants and stuff? I guess that bean must have been past it's sell-by date, but then so was the cow I exchanged it for...
action: You enter the chimney
response: Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again?
In the kitchen
I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You go to the north
response: I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There is an upright freezer in the corner and some sturdy shelves stacked high with box after box of McScottie's porridge oats. The kitchen lies to the south.
action: You go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. 'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears upwards. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'
action: Go south
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.
action: Up
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears downwards. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'
action: Go downward
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: Go west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge. The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the east.
action: Go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Completing the morbid ambiance is a motheaten bearskin rug.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the west.
action: You get the rug
response: I pick up the bearskin rug. Oh,  wow, there's a trapdoor hidden underneath the rug! What a stupid place to put it - right in front of the front door. Someone could have a nasty accident if they didn't know it was there!
'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the west.
action: You open the trapdoor
response: I open the trapdoor. A set of rickety wooden stairs lead down into darkness.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: I am carrying:
a bearskin rug
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl of just-right porridge
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You eat the porridge
response: Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.
action: Go west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You look at the dresser
response: It's an olde worlde pine number. Looks like it's seen quite a bit of use over the years. The kitchen dresser is empty.
action: You eat oats
response: That's plainly inedible.
action: Hint
response: (1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 2
response: The right tool for the right job.
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: You go east
response: 'Well,' says the wolf, 'it was nice talking to you, but I really must be off. Those piggies won't get eaten all by themselves.'

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: I am carrying:
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You open window with the key
response: Generations of careless decorators have repeatedly painted over the catch making it impossible to turn. No matter how hard I try I can't open it with my bare hands!
action: You wear the gloves
response: I put on the gloves, but they're much too big for me and feel just a little loose!
action: You open window with the key
response: Even with thick leather gloves on I still can't turn the catch! I'm going to need something a bit more heavy duty!
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves (being worn)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You open the window
response: Even with thick leather gloves on I still can't turn the catch! I'm going to need something a bit more heavy duty!

Damn! The gloves just dropped off my hands! Yes, both of them, at the same time! What are the chances of that?
action: You get the gloves
response: This could be the pair of gardening gloves that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
action: You wear the gloves
response: I put on the gloves, but they're much too big for me and feel just a little loose!

Damn! The gloves just dropped off my hands! Yes, both of them, at the same time! What are the chances of that?
action: You check what you're carrying
response: I am carrying:
a pair of gardening gloves
an old brass key
a bearskin rug (being worn)
a packet of frozen pork chops
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You look at the watch
response: It is about 9:35 AM.
action: Hint
response: (1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 2
response: The right tool for the right job.
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 1
response: You need to generate some power first.
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: Y.
response: With a little help from an old friend...
No more hints!

(1) Why doesn't the button on the large chair do anything?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: Light catch
response: Wowee! Who'd have thought the catch would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 27 out of a possible 100, in 277 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Go upward
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: You sit on the tiny chair
response: Wow, this chair feels just right! Oh, crap!! The stupid thing collapsed right under me! I guess that's what happens if you buy self-assembly.
action: Look around
response: From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it.

A small pile of firewood is all that remains of the tiny little chair.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You get the firewood
response: Oh, so you want me to pick up the pile of firewood now, on top of everything else? Fine! I'll just tuck it between my knees, shall I?
action: You go south
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from above.
action: You put the firewood in the fireplace
response: I put the pile of firewood into the fireplace.
action: Light firewood
response: I strike a match and set fire to the remains of Baby Bear's chair...

Alright! There's a blazing fire in the hearth now. Who says I'm not domesticated? That's only one step away from cooking! And to think they kicked me out of the Girl Scouts!
action: You cook the pork
response: I put the pork chops on the hearth. Wow, they defrosted quickly!
action: You examine the pork
response: There's a picture of three little pigs on the packet. Kinda sick when you think about it. I think I'll become a vegetarian.
action: You get the pork
response: This could be the packet of medium rare pork chops that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
action: You wait a while
response: Time passes.
action: You give pork to Wolf
response: The wolf grabs the packet of pork chops and tears off the wrapper, then rolls on the floor gnawing at them like a dog with an old slipper. Moments later, when he has recovered his dignity, he rises to his feet and says
'My dear girl, that was simply exquisite! I am indebted for you for that delectable dish! If there is anything I can do in return, simply name it, and it will be done! Huffing and puffing a speciality...'
action: You tell Wolf about the windmill
response: This provokes no reaction.

The Big Bad Wolf taps his foot impatiently.
action: You ask Wolf about the windmill
response: 'No more of this idle banter! If there is something you wish me to do for you, let us attend to it immediately. I am a cunning hunter of the wilderness, and have no time to waste in frivolous conversation!'

The Big Bad Wolf scratches his ear.
action: Go south
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move north, west, up, down and out.

The Big Bad Wolf taps his foot impatiently.
action: You go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
'Ah, my natural habitat!' says the wolf, 'There really is nothing quite like the forest!'
action: You go west
response: I can't go in that direction, but I can move south and in.

The Big Bad Wolf taps his foot impatiently.
action: You go south
response: I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
action: You go to the west
response: I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
action: Go north
response: I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
action: Blow
response: What do you want the Big Bad Wolf to blow?
action: Turbine
response: 'Ah, so you wish to make use of my prodigious talents! I shall huff, and I shall puff, and I shall have that turbine turning in a jiffy!' True to his word, the wolf huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the turbine with a gale-force blast of air that sends it spinning like a toy windmill.
'My debt is paid, dear child - I shall now return to the forest
which is the natural habitat of a fearsome predator such as I. I bid you adieu!' With that he gives a low bow, at which point the oil can falls from the top of the turbine and bops him on the head. With a cluck of annoyance he hitches up the hem of his nightdress, hops over the fence and disappears into the forest.
action: You look at the turbine
response: It appears to be a 5 KW battery-charging turbine made from wood, old tractor parts and a washing machine motor, probably connected to the cottage by an underground cable. Faint wisps of smoke are still issuing from the overheated generator!
action: You go to the north
response: From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You sit in the large chair
response: The second I plump myself down on the large chair I go into convulsions as 240 volts sear through my body! The room is filled with an odour reminscent of barbequed ribs. When the bears come home they find my blackened skeleton grinning at them from the armchair...
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 39 out of a possible 100, in 315 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You put the rug on the large chair
response: (first taking it off)

I take off the bearskin rug.
I put the bearskin rug on the large chair.
action: You sit in the large chair
response: The second I plump myself down on the large chair I go into convulsions as 240 volts sear through my body! The room is filled with an odour reminscent of barbequed ribs. When the bears come home they find my blackened skeleton grinning at them from the armchair...
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 39 out of a possible 100, in 316 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You sit in the large chair
response: The second I plump myself down on the large chair I go into convulsions as 240 volts sear through my body! The room is filled with an odour reminscent of barbequed ribs. When the bears come home they find my blackened skeleton grinning at them from the armchair...
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 39 out of a possible 100, in 318 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You unplug the cable
response: It is fixed in place.
action: You cut the cable
response: (with the pair of secateurs)
No, no good - I couldn't even cut my hair with these secateurs - too rusty.
action: Oil secateurs
response: Okay, a dash of SUPERLUBE and these babies are as good as new!
action: You cut the cable
response: (with the pair of secateurs)
The secateurs cut through the insulation like a knife through butter...

...Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the power supply first! 240 volts sear through my body filling the room with an odour not dissimilar to roast pork. The bears come home to find my blackened skeleton grinning at them from behind the armchair! I'm dead, and it's all your fault!
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 39 out of a possible 100, in 321 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You go south
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up
action: Go downward
response: to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
action: You look at the wardrobe
response: An old wooden wardrobe with brass handles that looks like it's seen better days. Probably why it's in the cellar. There's a gentle breeze coming from behind the wardrobe! The wardrobe is locked.
action: Unlock wardrobe
response: What do you want to unlock the wardrobe with?
action: Key
response: I unlock the wardrobe.
action: You open the wardrobe
response: I open the wardrobe, revealing a set of dumbells.
action: You get the dumbells
response: Yeah, sure, whatever - I'll just tuck them under my chin or something. Taken.
action: Look around
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
action: You open the machine
response: The door of the washing machine is jammed shut! Don't you just hate it when that happens?
action: You look at the machine
response: It doesn't seem to have been used in a while, probably because it's missing it's motor. The door is tightly shut.
action: You examine the fusebox
response: There is a volt meter inside, and two switches marked A and B.
action: You turn off a.
response: (switch A)
Okay, Switch A is in the OFF position.
The lights go off!

It is now pitch dark in here!
action: You turn off the b.
response: Okay, Switch B is in the OFF position.
action: You cut the cable
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the large chair is a bearskin rug.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
(with the pair of secateurs)
Okay, I use the secateurs to cut the cable connecting the electrodes to the power supply. Let's see Papa Bear try to fry me now!
action: Go north
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
Okay, Switch B is in the ON position.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the large chair is a bearskin rug.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You sit in large
response: Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!
action: You look at the remote
response: There are two buttons, marked "Channel" and "Buy."
action: You get the remote
response: What do you think I am, a packhorse? Oh, alright then; taken.
action: Look around
response: I'm in an underground cave. From the decor I'd say this was Papa Bear's private den, a place of sanctuary away from the rigours of family life. The walls are plastered with posters of football teams and pin-ups from 'Playbear.' A solid metal door, set into the western wall of the cave looks almost impenetrable. There's an electric socket in the wall next to the door. The large chair is now facing a television set and there's a fridge within easy reach of the chair.
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 10:49 AM.
action: You look at door
response: The door looks as though it has been designed to withstand anything short of a nuclear blast! There's a sign on the door which reads "Papa Bear's workshop - STRICTLY NO ADMITTANCE to anyone other than Papa Bear!" Just next to the door at floor level is an electric socket.
action: You open door
response: The solid metal door has no doorhandle or keyhole and there is no other visible means of opening it. The secret is known only to Papa Bear!
action: You open the fridge
response: I open the refridgerator, revealing a can of beer.
action: You get the beer
response: Yeah, sure, whatever - I'll just tuck it under my chin or something. Taken.
action: You close the fridge
response: I close the refridgerator.
action: You wait a while
response: Time passes.
action: Up
response: I can't go in any direction!

'Ding-Dong!' A bell rings somewhere.
action: You go to the south
response: I'll have to get off the large chair first.
action: You go south
response: I get off the large chair.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: Go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

I can also see a package (which is closed) here.
action: You look at the package
response: It's addressed to "Goldilocks, c/o 3 Bears' Cottage, Enchanted Forest, Fairyland FL3 7ER." It's a wonder that they managed to find me. In fact it's a wonder I even managed to order it in the first place considering that the bears don't have cable!
action: You open the package
response: I open the package, revealing an electric toaster and a leaflet.
action: You read the leaflet
response: "Thankyou for purchasing the toast-o-mastic 3000 atomic 3 - slot toaster. This revolutionary gadget allows you to toast not one but three slices of bread at the same time... blah blah blah." There is some smallprint, but it is illegible to the naked eye.
action: You examine the toaster
response: It's a stylish chrome affair with three slots, each about an inch wide, and a control lever which can be depressed to activate it. The lever is in the off position. The toaster is not plugged in.
action: You unplug the tv
response: Okay, I pulled the plug out of the wall socket.
action: You plug the toaster
response: Okay, I put the plug in the wall socket.
action: You examine the socket
response: Which do you mean, the wall socket or the electric socket?
action: You look at the electric socket
response: For plugging electrical appliances into. I believe it's known as an outlet across the pond. The toaster is currently plugged into the wall socket.
action: You examine the toaster
response: It's a stylish chrome affair with three slots, each about an inch wide, and a control lever which can be depressed to activate it. The lever is in the off position. The toaster is plugged into the wall socket.
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a package (which is open)
a leaflet
a can of beer
a bearskin rug
a TV remote control
a set of dumbells
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of gardening gloves
an old brass key
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You put the dynamite in the toaster
response: Hmmm... they seem to fit quite snuggly. I jammed them in upside down so that the fuses are touching the heating elements of the toaster.
action: You examine the toaster
response: It's a stylish chrome affair with three slots, each about an inch wide, and a control lever which can be depressed to activate it. The lever is in the off position. A stick of dynamite has been wedged into each of the slots. The toaster is plugged into the wall socket.
action: You get the dynamite
response: The dynamite is of more use to me inside the toaster than out!
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a package (which is open)
a leaflet
a can of beer
a bearskin rug
a TV remote control
a set of dumbells
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of gardening gloves
an old brass key
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You look around
response: I'm in an underground cave. From the decor I'd say this was Papa Bear's private den, a place of sanctuary away from the rigours of family life. The walls are plastered with posters of football teams and pin-ups from 'Playbear.' A solid metal door, set into the western wall of the cave looks almost impenetrable. There's an electric socket in the wall next to the door. The large chair is now facing a television set and there's a fridge within easy reach of the chair.

I can see an electric toaster (in which are some sticks of dynamite) here.
action: You examinthe pin-ups
response: Forget it, pervert! For one thing, I'm not a bear and for another I'm not that way inclined!
Hel-lo - look at the knockers on that one!
action: You drink the beer
response: Down in one! (Glug, glug glug!) God, that hits the spot! (Burp!)
action: You look at print
response: I can't - it's written in the most microscopic type I've ever seen; in fact I nearly didn't see it. Seems the toaster company really don't want anyone to read this!
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a fine print
a package (which is open)
a leaflet
a can of beer
a bearskin rug
a TV remote control
a set of dumbells
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of gardening gloves
an old brass key
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a trowel
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Hint
response: (1) How do I get into Papa Bear's workshop?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 1
response: You need to create a nuclear explosion.
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: Y.
response: Blow up the atomic toaster!
No more hints!

(1) How do I get into Papa Bear's workshop?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with the pond?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) How do I get rid of Sleeping Beauty?
(6) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: You search the toaster
response: In the electric toaster are some sticks of dynamite.
action: You examine the lever
response: It activates the toaster. You push it down, the toaster toasts. Provided it's plugged in and the power's on. The lever is in the off position.
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: You sit on the chair
response: Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!
I can hardly keep my eyes open...
action: You stand
response: Sorry, what was that you said? I'm having trouble concentrating...
A large shadow looms over me...

Before I can turn around, someone lays a large heavy paw on my shoulder. I turn my head to see three shaggy forms bearing down on me, if you'll excuse the pun, their hot, fetid breath in my face.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' snarls Papa Bear.
'Who's been planning to sleep off her hangover in my bed, but
didn't quite get around to it yet?' says Baby Bear. 'Left it a little too late, didn't you Goldilocks? Should have kept an eye on the time - it's noon and we're back from our walk now, and we're very, very upset! What shall we do with her, Pater?'
'I think she'd look lovely on our trophy wall,' says Papa Bear. 'especially with all that lovely hair.'
He produces a red hot poker from behind his back. 'But first I
think we'll take her down to the dungeon and have ourselves a little fun...'

Uh-oh. There's no getting out of this one! Somehow, I think the adventure is over...
I have so far scored 48 out of a possible 100, in 420 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You look at the watch
response: It is about 7:50 AM.
action: You look at the box
response: Anyone for pyromania? The matchbox contains just two matches.
action: You get the oats
response: One of the cartons has the words "FREE GIFT" splashed all over the side of it, so I grab that one. I always was a sucker for those little plastic gizmos. The carton is surprisingly light.
action: You open the oats
response: (the carton of porridge oats)
I open the carton of porridge oats, revealing a pendant.
action: You get the pendant
response: Fine, fine, no problem - I'll just balance it on top of my head. What did your last slave die of?
action: You wear it
response: Oh wow! As soon as I put it on it becomes a glow-in-the-dark pendant! How cool is that?
action: You drop the oats
response: (the carton of porridge oats)
Dropped.
action: You put rug on the trapdoor
response: Okay, I placed the rug over the trapdoor, so that it looks exactly as before - except that the trapdoor is open!

Somebody is banging on the front door!
action: You open the door
response: I open the door a tiny crack. As I do so, the mangy looking wolf I encountered on the path barges into the hall, his beady eyes darting this way and that. Unfortunately he fails to notice the open trapdoor concealed under the rug and falls headlong into the cellar with a loud crash. Moments later he re-emerges looking meaner than ever.
'I'm going to eat you little piggies!' he snarls. 'Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.' Then he notices me and his expression turns to one of bewilderment. 'My dear girl,' he says 'we really must stop meeting like this. It is not you I seek, but the Three Little Pigs. I waited two whole weeks for Little Red Riding Hood, after devouring her grandmother who was exceedingly tough and chewy and quite frankly I have had enough of the taste of humans. Go tell those snivelling pigs it's breakfast time!!'
action: You look at your surroundings
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
action: You go down
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.

I can see a bearskin rug here.
action: You get the rug
response: Yeah, sure, whatever - I'll just tuck it under my chin or something. Taken.
action: You open the wardrobe
response: It seems to be locked.
action: Unlock wardrobe
response: What do you want to unlock the wardrobe with?
action: You go upward
response: (first taking the up above)
That isn't available.
action: Search ashes
response: I fish around in the embers until I find an old brass key. What a ridiculous place to keep it! I pick it up in case it comes in useful.
action: Go downwards
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. 'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears to the west. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
action: You get the dumbbells
response: Normally I could just about lift those, but I'm so weak with hunger at the moment I doubt I could bench press a feather duster. When am I going to get my bloomin' breakfast?
action: You eat the porridge
response: Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.
action: You get the dumbbells
response: Fine, fine, no problem - I'll just balance them on top of my head. What did your last slave die of?
action: Up
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: You sit on the medium chair
response: Wow - this chair is sooooo soft! I feel as though I'm sinking into a black hole! Oh my god, I am!
Inside the medium-sized chair
I seem to have sunk deep within the soft, enveloping folds of the medium-sized chair, the place where biscuit crumbs, loose change and other lost items normally accumulate. I can just see a small window of light, the only way out of this warm, stifling floral-print cocoon.

I can see a pair of very thick spectacles here.
action: You leave
response: I can't move! Something I'm carrying keeps dragging me back into the chair! I don't know how Mama Bear puts up with this!!
action: You drop the dumbells
response: Dropped.
action: Wedge door with cheese
response: Okay, I wedged the door open with the stale cheese.
action: Go west
response: I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.

On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
action: You put the firewood in the fireplace
response: I put the pile of firewood into the fireplace.
action: Light firewood
response: I strike a match and set fire to the remains of Baby Bear's chair...

Alright! There's a blazing fire in the hearth now. Who says I'm not domesticated? That's only one step away from cooking! And to think they kicked me out of the Girl Scouts!
'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north.
action: You cook the pork
response: I put the pork chops on the hearth. Wow, they defrosted quickly!
The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
action: You give the pork to Wolf
response: (first taking the packet of medium rare pork chops)
The wolf grabs the packet of pork chops and tears off the wrapper, then rolls on the floor gnawing at them like a dog with an old slipper. Moments later, when he has recovered his dignity, he rises to his feet and says
'My dear girl, that was simply exquisite! I am indebted for you for that delectable dish! If there is anything I can do in return, simply name it, and it will be done! Huffing and puffing a speciality...'
action: Go east
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
action: You go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
'Ah, my natural habitat!' says the wolf, 'There really is nothing quite like the forest!'
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
an oil can
a pair of very thick spectacles
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a pendant (providing light and being worn)
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Oil secateurs
response: Okay, a dash of SUPERLUBE and these babies are as good as new!
action: Go east
response: I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign
action: You go to the north
response: designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west.

I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
action: You cut the cable
response: (with the pair of secateurs)
Okay, I use the secateurs to cut the cable connecting the electrodes to the power supply. Let's see Papa Bear try to fry me now!
action: You turn on the b.
response: Okay, Switch B is in the ON position.
action: You get remote
response: This could be the TV remote control that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
action: Leave
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

'Ding-Dong!' A bell rings somewhere.
action: Look around
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

I can also see a package (which is closed) here.
action: You open the package
response: I open the package, revealing an electric toaster and a leaflet.
action: You get the toaster and leaflet
response: electric toaster: Oh, so you want me to pick up the electric toaster now, on top of everything else? Fine! I'll just tuck it between my knees, shall I?
leaflet: Oh, so you want me to pick up the leaflet now, on top of everything else? Fine! I'll just tuck it between my knees, shall I?
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 9:17 AM.
action: Wear spectacles
response: I put on the pair of very thick spectacles.
action: You read the fine print
response: Through the glasses I can actually read the microscopic print at the bottom of the page:
'The Toast-O-Matic 3000 uses a small nuclear reactor for
instantaneous toasting satisfaction. However, the unit still requires electricty to initiate the reaction. Under normal circumstances there is no danger of nuclear meltdown. Refer all servicing to a qualified nuclear physicist. The manufacturers take no responsiblity for injury or death resulting from the misuse of this product.'
action: Enter
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up
action: You turn off the a.
response: (switch A)
Okay, Switch A is in the OFF position.
The lights go off!
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a leaflet
an electric toaster
a TV remote control
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of very thick spectacles (being worn)
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a pendant (providing light and being worn)
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
some sticks of dynamite
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: Examine tv
response: Hmm... The TV's plugged in but the set is completely dead.
action: You go outside
response: I get off the large chair.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: You turn on a
response: (switch A)
Okay, Switch A is in the ON position. Down in the cave the toaster elements heat up igniting the fuses on the sticks of dynamite...

...which explode causing a chain reaction...

"KABOOOOM!!!"

NUCLEAR EXPLOSION which rocks the whole cottage!
action: You go west
response: This must be where Papa Bear does all his D.I.Y. It's a small but tidy workshop with a bench and an old filing cabinet in the corner. Pinned to the walls are what appear to be the blueprints for various devices.

On the bench are a wrench and a tin of gold paint.
Sitting in the middle of the floor is a huge wooden crate, stencilled with the words: "DANGER: PROTOTYPE!"
action: You look at the crate
response: A mysterious wooden crate... Looks like Papa Bear does more in his workshop than simply assemble Ikea furniture. The huge wooden crate is nailed shut.
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 9:49 AM.
action: You examine the bench
response: It's old and worn, splattered with paint and full of grooves and dents.
action: You open the cabinet
response: It seems to be locked.
action: Unlock cabinet
response: What do you want to unlock the battered old filing cabinet with?
action: Open crate
response: How? With my bare hands? I just got these nails done you know!
action: You check your inventory
response: I am carrying:
a tin of gold paint
a wrench
a leaflet
a TV remote control
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of very thick spectacles (being worn)
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a pendant (providing light and being worn)
a mousetrap (which is open)
a dead mouse
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
an overripe pumpkin
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You remove the gloves
response: I take off the pair of gardening gloves.
action: Go east
response: The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the western wall. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly.
action: Go upwards
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
action: You examine the huge bed
response: It's very large and very uncomfortable looking, and is covered by a single rather thin looking blanket. Is this guy some kind of masochist or what?
action: You open the window with the wrench
response: Taking the wrench in both hands, I give the catch a good sharp twist. The layers of ancient paint crack and flake off allowing me to open the window. As I do so, a tiny point of light zips into the room from outside! It whizzes two or three times around my head and then, with a sharp 'ping' transforms itself into a tiny little old lady with wings. 'Fear not, Cinderella!' She says, staggering slightly as she
recovers from her exertions, 'I am your Fairy Godmother and you shall go to the... to the... oh, what was it now?' She looks up at me, bewildered. 'Who are you? Is it time for my medicine?'
action: You give the pumpkin to Godmother
response: (my Fairy Godmother)
'Thankyou dear,' says my Fairy Godmother as I hand her the pumpkin. 'With a wave of my wand I shall transform this pumpkin into a lovely golden coach. Now let me see...' She takes out her wand and waves it over the pumpkin a couple of times, somewhat uncertainly. After a short time the pumpkin begins to swell as though someone were pumping it full of air. Then there is a soft, damp 'plop' as the pumpkin explodes, showering the two of us with orange goo.
'Oh dear,' says my Fairy Godmother 'that wasn't quite right! Never mind, we'll have to make do without a coach. Perhaps you can ride one of the coach horses...'
action: You give the mouse to Godmother
response: (my Fairy Godmother)
(first taking the dead mouse)
'He's a jolly little chap, isn't he?' Says my Fairy Godmother as I hand over the dead mouse. With a wave of her magic wand she transforms it into a dead coach horse. She seems perfectly satisfied with this outcome. 'Now, child, that's the transport sorted out. Now for the other thing. What was it now...?'
action: Inventory
response: I am carrying:
a can of beer
a tin of gold paint
a wrench
a leaflet
a TV remote control
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of very thick spectacles (being worn)
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a pendant (providing light and being worn)
a mousetrap (which is open but empty)
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You examine the horse
response: It's as stiff as a board. One for the glue factory I'm afraid. And to think this noble beast died whilst trying to steal a peice of cheese.
action: You give the dress to Godmother
response: (my Fairy Godmother)
My Fairy Godmother doesn't seem interested.
action: You lie on the huge bed
response: I lie down on the huge "bed" and try to get some sleep, but it's hopelessly uncomfortable. I'd have better luck sleeping on a flagpole.
action: You stand
response: I get off the huge bed.

I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a
action: You look at bed
response: tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
Lying in the middle of the floor with all four legs pointing heavenward is a dead coach horse.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.

I can also see my Fairy Godmother here.

Which do you mean, the huge bed, the medium-sized bed or the tiny little bed?
action: Huge
response: It's very large and very uncomfortable looking, and is covered by a single rather thin looking blanket. Is this guy some kind of masochist or what?
action: You get the blanket
response: Wow! Now I understand why the huge bed felt so hard! What better way to conceal from your wife the fact that you've spent your family's entire annual porridge budget on a full sized snooker table than to give up your conjugal rights altogether and disguise it as a bed! Boy, could this couple use some marriage guidance!
action: You paint the cue ball
response: Okay, I painted the cue ball gold.
action: You go outside
response: I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.

I can also see a package (which is empty) here.
action: You put Ball in the pond
response: The ball lands in the pond with a dull plop. A few moments later a small green frog emerges from the pond clutching it in one of his slimy flippers. He drops it on the grass in front of me and puckers up expectantly...
action: Kiss frog
response: Yeeeuch! Actually he's not a bad smoocher, I've never kissed anyone before with such a flexible tongue...
Whoa! There was a flash of light and the frog just turned into a handsome prince!
'Thanks, babe,' he says, looking me up and down, 'I'd love to hang around but I'm off to find me a real princess - I simply must have a date for the Royal Ball tonight. Maybe we can do lunch sometime!'
He runs off towards the forest. I think I preferred him as a frog - less slimy!
action: Go upwards
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
Lying in the middle of the floor with all four legs pointing heavenward is a dead coach horse.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.

I can also see my Fairy Godmother here.
action: Kiss frog
response: Yeeeuch! Actually he's not a bad smoocher, I've never kissed anyone before with such a flexible tongue...
Whoa! There was a flash of light and the frog just turned into a handsome prince!
'Thanks, babe,' he says, looking me up and down, 'I'd love to hang around but I'm off to find me a real princess - I simply must have a date for the Royal Ball tonight. Maybe we can do lunch sometime!' Suddenly he notices Sleeping Beauty sprawled across Baby Bear's
bed. 'Now that's what I call a REAL princess!' A quick kiss wakes Beauty, and the happy couple are off to the cathedral. That's no basis for a lasting relationship!
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 10:39 AM.
action: You remove the dress
response: Oh, yeah, sure. Look, I'm not that kind of girl, okay? Despite what people say.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: I am carrying:
a rather thin blanket
a can of beer
a tin of gold paint
a wrench
a leaflet
a TV remote control
an antimacassar
an oil can
a pair of very thick spectacles (being worn)
an old brass key
a bearskin rug
a pendant (providing light and being worn)
a mousetrap (which is open but empty)
a matchbox
a spoon
a gigantic bowl
a crumpled note
a small packet (which is open but empty)
a pair of gardening gloves
a trowel
a ratty old paintbrush
a pair of secateurs
a broken bottle
a wristwatch (being worn)
a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
action: You give the blanket to Godmother
response: (my Fairy Godmother)
My Fairy Godmother doesn't seem interested.
action: You ask Godmother about yourself
response: (my Fairy Godmother about that)
'Agnes, is that you? Oh, dear...'
action: You examine Godmother
response: (my Fairy Godmother)
Okay, so technically she's Cinderella's Fairy Godmother, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. She's a tiny little woman who must be ninety years old if she's a day. She's wearing what I can only describe as a heavily sequined ballerina's outfit which looks hideously wrinkled on her shrivelled frame. Top this off with surgical support stockings and a pair of cardboard wings stuck on with sellotape, and you get the picture.
My Fairy Godmother is carrying a magic wand.
action: Hint
response: (1) How do I open the crate?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with Cinderella's Fairy Godmother?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 3
response: Pretend you're Cinderella.
Another Hint? [Y/N]
action: Y.
response: Give her what she wants!
No more hints!

(1) How do I open the crate?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with Cinderella's Fairy Godmother?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: 1
response: You need a little leverage.
No more hints!

(1) How do I open the crate?
(2) How do I open the window?
(3) What should I do with Cinderella's Fairy Godmother?
(4) How do I make sure the bears don't find me when they get home?
(5) Is there any way to extend the time limit?
action: You go west
response: This must be where Papa Bear does all his D.I.Y. It's a small but tidy workshop with a bench and an old filing cabinet in the corner. Pinned to the walls are what appear to be the blueprints for various devices. Sitting in the middle of the floor is a huge wooden crate, stencilled with the words: "DANGER: PROTOTYPE!"
action: You get the crate
response: That's fixed in place.
action: You examine the bench
response: It's old and worn, splattered with paint and full of grooves and dents.
action: You open it
response: It seems to be locked.
action: Pry crate
response: What do you want to pry the huge wooden crate with?
action: Leave
response: I get off the large chair.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of
action: Go south
response: room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.
action: Go downwards
response: I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
action: You look at the wardrobe
response: An old wooden wardrobe with brass handles that looks like it's seen better days. Probably why it's in the cellar. There's a gentle breeze coming from behind the wardrobe! The wardrobe is completely empty.
action: You move it
response: Okay.... Oof! I moved it. Oh, wow! There's a gothic archway behind here leading into some kind of hidden room! The words 'Baby Bear's Playroom' are painted above the arch!
action: Go west
response: I'm in a dark passage carved into the rock. It curves around to the north.
action: Go north
response: This seems to be a small annex to the main part of the cellar. Everything about the decor of this place says 'dungeon' to me, from the guttering torches to the ragrolled paint effect on the walls that's meant to look like ancient stonework. Unfortunately the rotting skeleton manacled to the wall is only too real. A sign on the wall opposite the skeleton says 'When we say NO TRESPASSERS we mean NO TRESPASSERS!' Something for the bears' victims to think about while they languish in this dump. The passage leads south back to the cellar.
action: You examine the skeleton
response: It's wearing a red cape with a hood. I guess this must be the elusive Little Red Riding Hood! No wonder she never made it to Grandma's house - she must have called at the wrong cottage by mistake, poor little twerp!
Hmm, what's this? There appears to be a blackened metal poker
shoved up her, um, actually you don't want to know where it was shoved. Ouch.

I've taken the poker in case it comes in useful.
action: You go east
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway.
action: You sit in the chair
response: It is about 11:22 AM.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.

Which do you mean, the large chair, the medium-sized chair or the tiny little chair?
action: You pry the crate with the poker
response: Using the poker like a crowbar I wrench the crate apart at the seams. It collapses to reveal a strange cauldron-like contraption inside.
action: You examine the cauldron
response: It's a huge Heath-Robinson-esque contraption that looks like a cross between a witch's cauldron and Stevenson's Rocket. The cauldron part is covered in arcane symbols and looks big enough to boil an elephant! The magic porridge pot is empty.
action: You get the pot
response: The magic porridge pot is far too big and heavy for me to carry! There must be another way of moving it.
action: Go east
response: The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the western wall. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly.
action: Go downwards
response: room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway.
action: You open the washing machine with the poker
response: I jam the poker in the door of the machine and give it a good hard push. There is a sharp crack and the door flies open! Who was it said that brute force never achieved anything?

However, the washing machine contains nothing but sludge.
action: You search the sludge
response: Hidden in the sludge at the bottom of the drum, I find a small key, which I take.
action: You look at the key
response: Which do you mean, the tiny metal key or the old brass key?
action: Go east
response: Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!
(the chair's button)
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the western wall. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!
I can't go in that direction, but I can move west.
action: Go west
response: This must be where Papa Bear does all his D.I.Y. It's a small but tidy workshop with a bench and an old filing cabinet in the corner. Pinned to the walls are what appear to be the blueprints for various devices. Sitting amidst the wreckage of the crate is a magic porridge pot.
action: Tiny
response: I unlock the battered old filing cabinet.
action: You open the cabinet
response: I open the battered old filing cabinet, revealing a warranty and a set of instructions.
action: You read warranty
response: It's a year's warranty for a small self-assembly chair. Looks like it expired yesterday, what a shame!
action: You read the instructions
response: It appears to be the operating instructions for a magic porridge pot. They seem to be fairly straightforward. "To start the pot, say ALAKAZAM. To stop the pot, say ALAKAZOO." There's a note at the bottom to the effect that the stop spell is extremely tempermental and that the pot should under no circumstances be used in confined spaces!
action: ALAKAZAM
response: 'ALAKAZAM!'
Immediately the magic porridge pot begins to fill up with extremely hot porridge. It just sort of swirls up from the bottom of the pot like an expensive special effect. Within seconds the pot is full and the porridge begins to run down the sides...
action: You go to the east
response: Not only has Papa Bear's secret den been devastated by a nuclear explosion, but it is also rapidly filling up with porridge which is gushing in through the ravaged doorway to the west. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly.
The room is rapidly filling up with boiling-hot porridge! I think it might be a good idea to get the hell out of here!
action: You sit in the chair
response: Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!
The porridge level creeps steadily higher until finally it is up to my neck! Like quicksand it gradually sucks me under...
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 78 out of a possible 100, in 417 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: You go to the east
response: Not only has Papa Bear's secret den been devastated by a nuclear explosion, but it is also rapidly filling up with porridge which is gushing in through the ravaged doorway to the west. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly.
action: You sit in the chair
response: Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!
The room is rapidly filling up with boiling-hot porridge! I think it might be a good idea to get the hell out of here!
action: Alakazoo
response: Nothing happens. I think that's the spell to stop the pot from boiling!
action: Alakazoo
response: 'ALAKAZOO!' I shout at the top of my lungs. At first nothing seems to be happening, but after a few moments the flow of porridge slows down, and finally stops. The remaining porridge trickles away through cracks in the cave floor.
action: You eat the porridge
response: That's plainly inedible.
I'm feeling really sleepy...
action: You get the pot
response: The magic porridge pot is far too big and heavy for me to carry! There must be another way of moving it.
I can hardly keep my eyes open...
action: You pry the cauldron with the poker
response: That doesn't seem to be something I can unlock.
So tired...
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 11:28 AM.
action: Examine watch
response: It is about 10:39 AM.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
Lying in the middle of the floor with all four legs pointing heavenward is a dead coach horse.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.

I can also see my Fairy Godmother here.
action: You ask Godmother about the dress
response: (my Fairy Godmother about that)
'Oh, yes dear - that was it,' says my Fairy Godmother, 'You can't possibly go to the ball looking like that!' I'm a little offended by this but decide to bite my lip. 'Wait a second while I reprogram my wand.' After a few moments she raises the wand and waves it frantically as though it were stuck to her hand and she were desperate to get rid of it. There is a sudden, bright flash and my dress disappears in a puff of smoke!
'Oh dear,' says my Fairy Godmother with a frown, 'that's not the rags-to-ballgown spell, it's the one for moving stuff down to the cellar, I used it last weekend when I cleared out the spare room. I'm sorry my dear, I shall have to go home and get my spell book. I'd forget my wings if they were't sellotaped on.' There is another flash and she turns back into a tiny point of light, before flitting back out of the window. As she does so, something silvery clatters to the floor.
action: You descend
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.

I can see a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress here.
action: You wear it
response: I put on the "distressed" Laura Ashley dress.
action: You go east
response: I'm in a dark passage carved into the rock. It curves around to the north.

I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway.
action: You open the machine with the poker
response: I jam the poker in the door of the machine and give it a good hard push. There is a sharp crack and the door flies open! Who was it said that brute force never achieved anything?

However, the washing machine contains nothing but sludge.
action: You examine the sludge
response: Hidden in the sludge at the bottom of the drum, I find a small key, which I take.
action: You wave the wand at the pot
response: There is a bright flash and the magic porridge pot vanishes in a puff of smoke!
action: You go to the south
response: I'll have to get off the large chair first.
action: You look at watch
response: It is about 11:07 AM.
action: You go south
response: I get off the large chair.

From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere.

On the small coffee table is a copy of 'Hail!' magazine.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: Go downward
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway.
The magic porridge pot is sitting in the middle of the room.
action: ALAKAZAM
response: 'ALAKAZAM!'
Immediately the magic porridge pot begins to fill up with extremely hot porridge. It just sort of swirls up from the bottom of the pot like an expensive special effect. Within seconds the pot is full and the porridge begins to run down the sides...
action: Go up
response: I scramble up the rickety steps just in time - a moment later the lower part of the staircase is smashed to splinters by a wave of bubbling porridge. I look back to see the cellar completely submerged in boiling oatmeal.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
action: You wait a while
response: Time passes.
action: You look at the trapdoor
response: The trapdoor is open. Steps lead down into darkness.
action: Go down
response: I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. The room is rapidly filling up with boiling-hot porridge. The washing machine and the wardrobe are already half submerged!
The magic porridge pot is sitting in the middle of the room.
The porridge level creeps steadily higher until finally it is up to my neck! Like quicksand it gradually sucks me under...
Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
I have so far scored 87 out of a possible 100, in 376 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
action: Alakazoo
response: Nothing special happens.
action: You put the rug on the trapdoor
response: Okay, I placed the rug over the trapdoor, so that it looks exactly as before - except that the trapdoor is open!
action: Up
response: I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
Lying in the middle of the floor with all four legs pointing heavenward is a dead coach horse.
A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
action: You lie on the tiny bed
response: The tiny little bed is so comfortable that I fall into a deep sleep the instant my head hits the pillow. Not even the muffled cry as the Three Bears fall through the trapdoor into the cellar and drown in a mire of their own porridge can rouse me from my sleep.
At just after noon I have a strange dream. Three ghostly bears, each with a pair of wings and holding a golden harp, float up through the bedroom floorboards. Papa Bear hovers above me like a translucent bear-shaped cloud, glaring at me through baleful yellow eyes.
'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' he growls, his hot, stinky breath
on my face.
'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' snarls Mama Bear nudging her
husband out of the way.
'Mater, Pater,' says Baby Bear who has obviously had the benefit of
a public school education, 'it's patently obvious who has been sleeping in our beds, eating our porridge and destroying our furniture, since the shameless hussy is still sprawled across my cot. But it's all academic now - we're dead! The little monster got the better of us this time! Come, parents, I hear that heaven is full of succulent young ladies such as this and that the clouds are made of porridge!' With that the Three Bears float up through the ceiling and on to paradise.

A few moments later, they're back again, wingless now and dropping like stones towards the fires of hell. The last I hear of them is the anguished cry

'No! Please! Not the poker!'

I awake at around six, having had a full night's, or rather day's sleep, fresh as a daisy and ready for another night of partying!

That's if I can ever find my way out of the enchanted forest...

...but that's another story! The important thing is, our plan
worked! The Three Bears are no more and foxy young chicks are free to roam the forest and break into quaint little cottages without fear of ending up as a Bondage Barbie for a family of furry freaks! Thanks for all your help, I sure as hell couldn't have done it without you!

I have so far scored 91 out of a possible 100, in 780 turns.

Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?