Speculative Fiction
by Diane Christoforo (2012)
Genres: Fantasy
Puzzle
Humor

A puzzle about committing acts of financial skulduggery and exploiting ridiculous magical items.

action: %
response: Babe, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel dinner.
Yeah, I've got to stop the boss from being executed.

Beginner's Lessons from "The Big Book of Financial Crimes"

No! My shiniest of shiny objects! Don't fly aw--- Come back! I
love you!

Well, now that my girlfriend's mad at me, where were we? Ah, right.

It's kind of boring here. I hear the king hasn't put anybody in the dungeon in over a year. Must make you feel special. It's drafty, being up in the tower, and the stones in the wall have chips and various--- do you really care? They're old. The door looks pretty sturdy. There's some light coming into the room from a window about, uh, twice your height up. Can we leave?

I can see a tapestry, a bed, a vase, a mirror, and an annoying git in a dress here.
action: You look at tapestry
response: It's a garish sight. I guess the artist might have been trying to do something in the Colorist style. (Purple and green dyes became cheap around the turn of the century, and there was a rainbow explosion in the art world for about a decade.) I don't know, though--- these colors don't really go together. Colorism usually involves more realistic pairings, and I don't think humans are supposed to be that shade of orange. I think the blobby thing is meant to be a unicorn, but that's speculation.

The tapestry was probably made by the late queen. I've heard stories about her prolific and unusual talent. I'm sure the old guy couldn't bear to throw it out, and nobody else could bear to look at it. There's a wobbly inscription woven into the corner.
action: You examine the inscription
response: "To my beloved on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. May our love always be as eternal as the flowing fountain."

That's a fountain? I guess this was made by the queen. Aw,
that's so sad. I mean, she had no taste, but they say the old guy really loved her and went mad with grief after she died. I guess that was good for us, with you getting the job here and him never caring what you did.
action: About yourself
response: You're a mediocre wizard. No, no, boss, don't look sad! Wait for me to finish! You're a great inventor! See, there was a compliment coming. You always have the best ideas. Remember Primo Eyeballs-in-a-Can? That was my personal favorite, for obvious reasons. But your ideas don't always, er, work right. That's why you took the wizarding job: 'cause it gets you money to work on your inventions until we hit it big. Which we will, as soon as we replace all that missing money and keep you from getting killed and, um, okay, this is probably not cheering you up as much as I'd hoped.

Right now your body is in the corner, unconscious. You're wearing your completely awesome purple robe, but your hat got lost in the arrest fiasco. The stupid fat guy searched you and took all your stuff, but maybe there's something he missed. I don't know.
action: You examine you
response: I'm W.D., your familiar, and I'm awesome. Check out these feathers!
action: You look at the feathers
response: I have black feathers, which means I go with everything. They shine a little bit in the light. My lovely girlfriend says they look slightly blue in very bright light, but I don't see it.
action: You examine the bed
response: It's a wooden bed frame that would be big enough for one human with a mattress or pillows, but there aren't any around. It doesn't look particularly comfortable, and the wood's splintering.
action: You examine the mirror
response: Nothing but a bit of dust.

It's an oval mirror with a steel frame bolted to the wall. The frame has little diamond-shaped cutouts in it. The mirror itself is about as big as I am. It's got a big dent in it, but it still works as a reflective surface.
action: You look in mirror
response: Hey, it's me! I'm W.D., your familiar, and I'm awesome. Check out these feathers!
action: You look at the robe
response: I love your robe. It's so stylish. It's purple and dark purple and darker purple and all swirly patterned and stuff, and it's covered in sequins and sparkles and shiny and glittery and glowy! It's mesmerizing. You look great, even unconscious. There are big floppy pockets sewn inside. You usually keep all kinds of stuff in there.
action: You examine the vase
response: It's a delicate glass vase with a narrow neck, although it widens at the bottom. It's the kind of vase that holds a few flowers instead of a whole bouquet.
action: You look in the pockets
response: Hey, hey, there's a magic wand in one of the pockets! Man, the fat guy didn't even think it was worth taking? That's just sad.
action: You take the wand
response: Taken.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You look at the mind
response: It's...well...it's hard to describe what it's like to have someone else in your head.
action: You read the mind
response: That's just a joke, boss.
action: You examine the wand
response: This is the Aetheric Coin Generator Mark III! It turns air into faery coins. The Mark I only lasted through seven thousand uses or so, and Mark II backfired and turned coins into air.
action: You hug yourself
response: No can do, boss. No lips.
action: You look in the vase
response: The vase is empty.
action: You examine the vase
response: It's a delicate glass vase with a narrow neck, although it widens at the bottom. It's the kind of vase that holds a few flowers instead of a whole bouquet.
action: You get the git
response: You're way too bulky and heavy for me to lift with my little talons.
action: You look at the door
response: It's a big wooden door, wide enough for two humans to walk through it at once. Based on all the noise when they threw us in here, it's locked from the outside.
action: You examine the window
response: The "window" is just a space in the stones. It's smaller than a human but bigger than a raven, if you catch my drift.
action: You open the window
response: It's just an opening in the wall; there's no glass or anything.
action: You fly through the window
response: Whooooosh! I'm flying out the window to sweet, delicious
freedom! And to sweet, delicious rotting meat, with any luck.

The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.
action: You examine tree
response: This is a maple. It has some really nice branches higher up. It's got a good view and is relatively quiet, or it was until those stupid kids started climbing it all the time. When I settle down, my girlfriend and I are probably going to need something bigger--- maybe something where we can look out over Sandie's Hot Meats. But for now, it's where I tend to perch when I'm not doing anything for you.
action: You fly through the window
response: My hanging-out tree is here.
action: You enter the tree
response: From here, I can see all sorts of things. Sandie's got her Hot Meats stall set up in the middle of Big Street. The castle (and your body) are off to the south. The bank sparkles faintly in the distance. There are streamers and balloons out in front of the magic shop. Farmland stretches off to the west.

Hey, there's a piece of red paper here. Argh. Humans. Get your own tree.
action: You examine the bank
response: The bank's probably our best bet for getting a lot of money at once. It's a fair distance north and then northeast of here.
action: You examine the shop
response: That's Mel's, a bit north of here and then east. We should go there to ask for advice.
action: You examine the stall
response: Sandie's Hot Meats is to the north. If we get some spare money, I'd love lunch.
action: Go north
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.
action: You examine the beggar
response: He's got no eyeballs. Man, that's the best part of the human. His clothes are old but mostly in one piece. He's holding out a cup for money.
action: You examine the cup
response: Inside the chipped cup is a strange coin.
action: You take the coin
response: "Don't think I can't hear you, birdie?"

...Sheesh. The story of my life is getting slapped by humans.
action: You put the mind in the cup
response: If only it was that easy.
action: Caw
response: "Caaaaw caaaaw!"

I'm not getting a response.
action: You examine the coin
response: It looks like it's made of gold and silver swirled together. The face I can see shows a lighthouse.

Hmm. This coin isn't our money. It's not any money I recognize. It looks vaguely familiar, though, like--- oh! I've seen that in a book before! This is a coin from the ancient Se--- Sevoran, maybe? Anyway, there was some kind of ancient empire, and this is a coin from it. It could be worth something to a collector.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a vase
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: Wave wand
response: Poof! A glittering coin materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.
action: You take coin
response: (the faery coin)
Taken.
action: You examine faery coin
response: This is one of your majick faery coins. They were incredibly useful for a while, but then some wiseacre figured out that they explode if you put salt on them. Now everyone in town knows they're not real gold. The coins are useless as currency, at least until we find a new idiot.
action: You put the faery coin in the cup
response: "Thank you, birdi---" He narrows the empty sockets where he delicious eyeballs should be. He takes the coin and taps against the side of his mug. "This sounds wrong. This is one of those magic exploding coins!"

He coldly tosses the faery coin back to me.
action: You take coin
response: (the faery coin)
I already have that.
action: You take the strange coin
response: "Don't think I can't hear you, birdie?"

...Sheesh. The story of my life is getting slapped by humans.
action: You ask the man about the strange coin
response: "Hello, birdie. You like shiny things, don't you? I like shiny things, too. Would you like to give me something shiny?"

"What? No! I---" Yeah, yeah, you don't speak Raven.
action: You go to the north
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.
action: You ask Sandie about the hot meat
response: "Awk!"

"I know what you want, W.D., but I'm not giving you any food unless you have some real money. Your tab is already ridiculous."
action: You look pathetic
response: That's just a joke, boss.

I can't see any such thing.
action: Wave wand
response: Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last coin first. Conservation of energy, or something.
action: Go east
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

A red balloon is here, probably as part of some promotion.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: You examine the cockroaches
response: Mel notices me and greets me boisterously. "Hey, W.D.! How's my favorite raven doing? How's your boss? Need more color-changing powder? I have to warn you, I don't think this 'Cow of a Different Color' project is going to catch on."

"Not good, Mel. The Perfectly Foolproof Illusion on the treasury...wasn't."

"Oh. Does that mean you are recently unemployed? Would you like a job? I've been meaning to branch out into delivery, but people are afraid of golems, so..."

"No, no. The boss is still good, at least for a few hours. I may be back tomorrow, though. (No offense, boss.) We, er, figure the only thing that might save the chief's bacon is to, uh, turn the fake treasure into...er..."

"Yes?"

"...real treasure. Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a Midas potion just, you know, lying around?"

Mel's normally placid face darkens, and he glowers at me. "W.D., you know that I like you and your master, but I do not typically keep potions which are primarily composed of irreplaceable components just 'lying around'. Besides, their manufacture is highly illegal, and I have an unfortunate allergy to prison."

"I know, I know. It was a long shot. We just thought you might have something."

Mel sighs. "I could possibly sell you some components, and then what you did with them would be up to you. But these ingredients are not cheap, and my favor to you would be selling them at all. You would have to come up with nearly enough money to repopulate the treasury on your own."

"Oh. Well, I'm sure we can come up with something. I like shiny objects, after all. I can probably scrounge up some money."

"All right. Good luck, W.D."

...Oh, shoot, I forgot what you asked me to do. Sorry, boss.
action: You examine the cockroaches
response: They're amazingly realistic, except for the exploding part.
action: You eat the cockroach
response: (first taking the Exploding Cockroaches)
As you well know, those little guys are extremely unstable.
Also, Mel's Magic Shop is you-break-it-you-buy-it.
action: You look at the trinkets
response: Mel's got a ridiculous quantity of, well, magical minutiae. There are the things over there with the...and the...and over there there's...uh, let me know if you want to search for something specific.
action: You examine the balloon
response: It's a shiny red balloon on a string, filled with that special air that makes things float. It's really shiny. We should keep it and look at it for a while.
action: You take the balloon
response: Taken.
action: You ask Mel about the ingredients
response: "So, the boss told me I should be asking for a Midas potion, but I'm not really sure what that gets us. I mean, they clearly turn things to into gold. Do I just pour it on the treasury walls and poof!
Full of treasure again?"

"If you had a true Midas potion, then yes, anything the potion touched would turn to gold, so you could turn all of your employer's decoys into real treasure," answers Mel. "Midas potions are an entire class of potions, though. There are simpler ones which turn wood to gold, or metal to gold, or silver to gold. There are also un-Midas potions, but I suspect that is not what you want.

"When you get enough money for the potion's ingredients," Mel continues, "let me know."
action: You ask Mel about the list of the ingredients
response: Mel shakes his head. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."
action: You ask Mel about the money
response: "So where do we get money?"

"Typically, one gets a job and does work. I suppose this isn't an option, given the time. Well, there is trade, common theft, embezzlement (although your master already appears to be proficient there), insurance fraud, day-trading, kidnapping for ransom, throwing a birthday party for yourself, faking your own death, blackmail, counterfeiting, turning in a bounty to the city guard, finding lost kittens... "
action: What are the the ingredients
response: "Pardon? I didn't follow that," says Mel.
action: You give the coin to Mel
response: "Your employer's counterfeit money is charming, but you know I don't accept it, W.D. If you need a reminder why, please watch as I sprinkle a pinch of salt on the coin. See? It explodes--- rather more forcefully than I remember, actually. I think it's scorched the counter."
action: Wave wand
response: Poof! A glittering coin materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.
action: Go southeast
response: This is the back corner of the magic shop, where Mel actually puts magical things together. He's got a giant oak workbench. Unlike your workbench, though, it's perfectly clean and shows no signs of ever having caught on fire.

The front counter's back to the northwest.

I can see a workbench, a shelf (on top of which are three bottles of blue dye, and a bottle of clear fluid), and a spell book here.
action: You examine the workbench
response: They probably killed some really nice tree to make this thing. If it fell on you, it would kill you. It's spotless, and it's got a nice finish that glows just a little bit. I don't know whether it's magic or just really nice polish.
action: You look at the shelf
response: An ordinary shelf.

On top of the shelf are three bottles of blue dye, and a bottle of clear fluid.
action: You look at the dye
response: This is a bottle of blue dye. It contains, in my estimation, enough to dye two ravens. That is not a suggestion.
action: You examine the clear fluid
response: The bottle is filled with a colourless fluid. It's labelled, "Problem Solvent: Misspelled a word? Problem Solve-it with Problem Solvent!"
action: Examine book
response: It's a book entitled "Transmutation Potions."
action: You read Book
response: Uh, I'm not going to read the whole book right this minute. Let me check the table of contents and see if there's anything interesting...Hey, Midas potions, page 78...mmhm...

I'm just going to rip this page out and pray Mel doesn't kill me, all right?
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a vase
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You read the page
response: This is a list of Midas potions:

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, and phoenix kidney

Components: sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, and daffodil blood

Components: phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and refined starmetal

Components: unicorn fur, phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and wizard ash

Transmute any inanimate object to gold (there's a smudge after
'gold', and I can't read what's written there)
Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash
action: Look around
response: This is the back corner of the magic shop, where Mel actually puts magical things together. He's got a giant oak workbench. Unlike your workbench, though, it's perfectly clean and shows no signs of ever having caught on fire.

The front counter's back to the northwest.

I can see a workbench and a shelf (on top of which are two bottles of blue dye) here.
action: You take dye
response: (the bottle of blue dye)
I already have that.
action: You go northwest
response: Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: Describe the surroundings
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: Go west
response: Big Street, Center

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.
action: You ask Sandie about the phoenix kidney
response: "Awk awk caw!"

"I know what you want, W.D., but I'm not giving you any food unless you have some real money. Your tab is already ridiculous."
action: You ask Sandie about the money
response: "Awk!"

"I know what you want, W.D., but I'm not giving you any food unless you have some real money. Your tab is already ridiculous."
action: Go north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.
action: You examine the cord
response: There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.
action: You pull the cord
response: Done! Let's see if anything happens...

A mob of guardsmen charge out of the Watchtower towards the bank. I think I'll follow them.

Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a wanted poster on the wall by the table.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.

Three guys wearing identical green tunics and brandishing sticks rush in. The tallest shouts, "Nobody move! This is the Guard!" The middle one shouts, "Where's the robber?" They look around, confused. The teller shrugs. The short one complains about a false alarm.

Okay, they're leaving. That was exciting!

The ordinary man grumbles under his breath.
action: Examine poster
response: It's a wanted poster offering five thousand florins for the capture of the infamous bank robber Two-Handed Bart (not to be confused with One-Handed Bart). He looks dashing with his shiny hair, his handlebar moustache, and his flapping green scarf. Is that dashing? That's the sort of thing you guys find dashing, right?
action: You examine the forms
response: They're covered in tiny lines and boxes to fill in. I suppose they're for applying for loans, or something.
action: You examine man
response: He looks like any other human, I guess. He's wearing grey pants, a grey fedora, and a grey shirt, and he has a wispy, pathetic moustache. He's cursing under his breath as he tries to fill out paperwork.

Hey, he looks vaguely like Two-Handed Bart from the poster. They both have noses, for example.

The ordinary man shivers slightly.
action: You take the forms
response: I hate to break this to you, boss, but ravens don't have good credit. Neither do you, which is why you started funding your inventions with the royal treasury.
action: You ask the man about the robber
response: "Awk!"
action: You give the coin to the man
response: Hey, this is hard-earned stuff. I'm not just giving it away here.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a vase
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You give the faery coin to the man
response: Hey, this is hard-earned stuff. I'm not just giving it away here.

The ordinary man crumples up his form and starts over on a clean one.
action: You look around
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a wanted poster on the wall by the table.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.
action: You go east
response: This part of the bank is cut off from the public by a gilded cage. There's a big, grey, solid-looking door back there, presumably a vault. The room is big and echoey, thirty or forty feet high and brightly lit from a huge gold chandelier overhead. The main lobby is back to the west.

There's a bored-looking teller behind the bars.
action: You examine the door
response: It's an imposing door, presumably leading to the bank's vault.
action: You open the door
response: I can't actually get to the vault, boss. It's behind the walled-off area. I can't fit through the bars in front of the teller.
action: You examine teller
response: The teller's a young, female human wearing something white and floofy and staring off into space. She's sitting on a stool behind the gold cage area.
action: You look at the chandelier
response: This chandelier up here is pretty sweet. It must have been designed by a fan of late Moodism; it's made of about a hundred pieces of swooping, spiralling gold. Each element ends in a round light. Definitely late Moodism--- spirals were a sign of cheer. This chandelier is like a... a... a big nest of glowing rat tails! It's beautiful. Although from up here I can see it's not real gold; it's just iron or something with gold paint on it. Meh. Moodism always stressed using real materials.

Oh, hey, there's a black cord running along the ceiling.
action: You examine the cord
response: Yeah, there's some kind of cord running along the ceiling. There are rings every couple of feet holding it up. Where is it attached...? It looks like one end goes behind the area with the teller and the vault and the other end goes out a little round hole high up in the wall.
action: You pull the cord
response: I can't reach it from the chandelier, and I can't get purchase on the ceiling. Sorry, boss, but it's out of reach.
action: You ask the teller about the coin
response: "Awk?"

"Ack! A bird! Shoo shoo!"

...I've been shud.
action: You look at cage
response: They're gold--- sorry, gold-painted--- bars blocking off one
half of the room. At person height, they're just straight up and down, but above that they turn into a lacy pattern. Psh. Whoever designed this bank doesn't know doesn't know Moodism at all; lace implies hunger, and that completely clashes with the chandelier.
action: Go west
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.
action: You go north
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You examine the coffer
response: It's a strongbox full of stock certificates.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Reliable Bear Organization," he says. "Any bids?"
action: Bid
response: What do you want to bid on?
action: Bid on stock
response: What do you want to bid on the stock certificate with?
action: You examine the certificate
response: It's a stock certificate for 12 shares of Reliable Bear Organization.

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You look at the animals
response: There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Royal Shad Bonds?" he asks.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You look at the auctioneer
response: The auctioneer is wearing a fancy black suit. He seems faintly oily, but not in the delicious fried meats kind of way.

"One florin!" declares a merchant.

"Two!" declares another merchant.

"Four!" declares a different merchant.

"Who wants to bid eight florins?"
action: You ask the horse about the auction
response: I perch near the livestock pens. "Hello, I---"

"No time to talk! Can't stop moooooooving! The farmer might come back!"

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You look at the cows
response: There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Majestic Snake Company?" he asks.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You sell the vase
response: There's no place to sell anything here.

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: Go southwest
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.
action: Go west
response: This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.
action: You examine the statue
response: It's a tall, skinny old man. He's wearing a suit that's definitely my style; it's got at least twenty buttons, and at least ten of them are superfluous. It's a suit that says, "I would be in at least five different colors if I weren't made of stone." I already hate this guy less than I hate most humans. The stone itself is polished red granite, which implies to me that the statue is a few hundred years old; granite fell out of favor after the Neo-Blockade movement.

Oh, and there's also a plaque beneath the statue.
action: You read the plaque
response: According to the plaque, the statue depicts Wingworm Mindo, Chancellor of the Kingdom from blah blah blah to blah blah. Founded the livestock markets yadda yadda, thus bringing Commerce to the city. He was apparently named in an ancient tradition in which children weren't given names until they survived their first disease. He had two sisters named Blue Fever and...Syphilis? What? Is this a joke? Oh, I guess it was; that last bit was in crayon.
action: Go west
response: This is where all the big ships coming in from Pancake Bay (pancakes are round) dock and unload goods. We primarily export fish and financial instruments. The rest of the Gordanian kingdoms send us textiles, livestock, and money. I can see several boats out on the bay, but there aren't any docked now. Mindo Street is back to the east.

There's a scarecrow on a stool here, wearing a sign around its neck. Next to it is a barrel with a suspicious chalk circle around it.

Someone has left a fishing rod here.

I can also see a chalk circle (which contains a barrel) here.
action: You look at the circle
response: There's a chalk circle drawn on the dock around the fish barrel.
action: Examine barrel
response: This is an old wooden barrel. It smells slightly rotten, but the rot-smell is drowned out by the delicious smell of fish within.
action: You look in the barrel
response: Fish! Hey, is that a salmon?
action: You take the salmon
response: I'll have to enter the circle first.
action: You enter the circle
response: I can feel a faint eldritch humming in the air as I step into the circle.
action: You examine the sign
response: "No stealing fish! Seagulls, this means you!"

Pssh. Seagulls can't read.
action: You pour dye on the circle
response: Hey, you made this! It's your Fishing-Rod-With-Self-Baiting-Hook! Somebody is using something you made! Or, well, maybe they were at some point; they've apparently abandoned it. It still counts as a sale, though. There's no line or hook on the fishing rod; it looks a lot like a tree branch.

I don't think that will hold dye.
action: Rub circle
response: Good idea; the circle's probably magical in some way.

...Hmm. I can't actually erase it. That must not be normal chalk. It's like my wings pass right through it.
action: You examine the scarecrow
response: The scarecrow is a human-shaped and roughly human-sized figure made of cloth. It has a rough, cartoonish face painted on it, and a sign hangs around its neck. It's wearing some overalls, and it's not not wearing a hat.
action: You take the overalls
response: I don't have the dexterity to remove the overalls from the scarecrow. Hey, boss, have you humans contemplated nudity? It's a lot simpler. Actually, now that I consider the image, don't do that.
action: You look at the hat
response: Hey, it's your un-hat! You created it by accident when you were trying to make your Infinite Closet. It's a hole in space shaped like a hat. I still remember the slogan, "The Un-Hat: It's what the unfashionable people aren't wearing!" I really thought that one was going to catch on.
action: You wear the hat
response: Hey! No clothes on the bird! I'm not one of those little yappy dogs.
action: Examine barrel
response: This is an old wooden barrel. It smells slightly rotten, but the rot-smell is drowned out by the delicious smell of fish within.
action: You take the salmon
response: Taken.

Now I can hear the humming and not just feel it. Something is rumbling beneath the circle.
action: Go outside
response: Sproing! Some sort of weird magical glowing beams are
shooting up from the circle and--- help! They're surrounding me! The beams coalesce into a sphere barely large enough to contain me, then solidify into iron bars as their glow fades. Help, boss! I'm stuck in some sort of freaky magical cage! Let me out!
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Wharf (in the cage) (in the chalk circle)
This is where all the big ships coming in from Pancake Bay (pancakes are round) dock and unload goods. We primarily export fish and financial instruments. The rest of the Gordanian kingdoms send us textiles, livestock, and money. I can see several boats out on the bay, but there aren't any docked now. Mindo Street is back to the east.

There's a scarecrow on a stool here, wearing a sign around its neck. Next to it is a barrel with a suspicious chalk circle around it.

I can also see a chalk circle (which contains a cage and a barrel) here.

In the chalk circle I can also see a barrel (which contains a fish).
action: You eat the salmon
response: Done! Not bad.
action: You examine cage
response: This is some kind of magic cage, serenely floating about a foot off the ground. There's a very unserene raven trapped inside. The bars are still faintly glowing with an unnerving green light. You didn't make this, did you? It doesn't look like your work. Also, it hasn't exploded or turned me into cucumber or anything. I don't have a lot of room to move around. Help, I'm becoming claustrophobic here!
action: You open the cage
response: I...don't know how. There's no lock or door. Oh no I am going to
die here haaaaaaaaaalp!
action: Go outside
response: I'll have to open the cage first.
action: You go to the east
response: I'll have to get out of the cage first.
action: You hit the cage
response: Okay, I can do violence! Kapow! I snapped one of the bars.
I'm almost through!
action: Continue
response: Okay, okay. Right. Violence solves so many problems. Thud!
The cage has enough and disappears in a puff of green smoke.
action: Examine barrel
response: This is an old wooden barrel. It smells slightly rotten, but the rot-smell is drowned out by the delicious smell of fish within.
action: You take the fish
response: Taken.

Now I can hear the humming and not just feel it. Something is rumbling beneath the circle. Let's get out of here before I have to break out of that cage again.
action: You exit
response: Sproing! Some sort of weird magical glowing beams are
shooting up from the circle and--- oh, no. Not this again. No no no no no! They're surrounding me and, once again, forming some sort of magical cage around me. Get me out of here!
action: You continue
response: Okay, I can do violence! Kapow! I snapped one of the bars.
I'm almost through!
Okay, okay. Right. Violence solves so many problems. Thud!
The cage has enough and disappears in a puff of green smoke.
action: Leave
response: Okay, I've gotten out of the chalk circle.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a vase
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You look at the fish
response: This is an Eastern Spotted Shortfin. They're fairly plentiful in the bay. I find their meat a little spongy for my taste, but any fish is a a good fish.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: This is where all the big ships coming in from Pancake Bay (pancakes are round) dock and unload goods. We primarily export fish and financial instruments. The rest of the Gordanian kingdoms send us textiles, livestock, and money. I can see several boats out on the bay, but there aren't any docked now. Mindo Street is back to the east.

There's a scarecrow on a stool here, wearing a sign around its neck. Next to it is a barrel with a suspicious chalk circle around it.

I can also see a chalk circle (which contains a barrel) here.
action: You examine the boats
response: Which do you mean, the fishing boats or the cargo ships?
action: You examine the fishing boats
response: Those are little fishing boats, crewed by one or two people. They go out in the morning and come back in the evening.
action: You look at the cargo ships
response: It's one of the big trade ships from Caberry or High Point. I can't make out much detail from here. Those sorts of ships have crews of a couple of dozen people and all sorts of random stuff.
action: You examine the stool
response: It's a three-legged wooden stool.
action: You take the stool
response: It's too heavy for me to carry.
action: Go east
response: This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.
action: Go south
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.
action: You enter the tree
response: From here, I can see all sorts of things. Sandie's got her Hot Meats stall set up in the middle of Big Street. The castle (and your body) are off to the south. The bank sparkles faintly in the distance. There are streamers and balloons out in front of the magic shop. Farmland stretches off to the west.

Hey, there's a piece of red paper here. Argh. Humans. Get your own tree.
action: You take the paper
response: (the piece of red paper)
Taken.
action: You read the paper
response: Which do you mean, the piece of red paper or the torn page?
action: You read the red paper
response: The note says:

"Greetings, my dearest love. I am away on sudden business and could not meet you here in our usual place. I have prepared a game for you in my absence. I promise you it will be worth following through to the end.

Your next clue will be at the left elbow of Blue Fever's brother."

Uh, okay.
action: You look at the elbow
response: Which do you mean, the statue's left elbow or the statue's right elbow?
action: You examine the left elbow
response: The statue's left elbow is made of stone and not any more interesting than any other part. Oh, except for the piece of violet paper stuck to it.
action: You read the violet paper
response: The note says:

"As you know, I've been trying to expand the business lately. I've had to fill out so many forms. I think my favorite was the X1-FSB: Small Business Loan To Be Repaid Within Thirty Days. I think you should look at one, too. They're quite entertaining."
action: Go east
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.

The ordinary man crumples up his form and starts over on a clean one.
action: You look at the forms
response: They're covered in tiny lines and boxes to fill in. I suppose they're for applying for loans, or something.

The ordinary man grumbles under his breath.
action: Search forms
response: Okay, the business loans are in this box....Yep, there's a green note here.
action: You take the green
response: Taken.

The ordinary man absently scratches his upper lip.
action: You read green
response: "Well, all of this travelling has made me hungry! You should follow me and look under the pan containing my favorite lunchtime meat!"
action: You look under the pan
response: Which do you mean, the pork pan, the beef pan, or the Excitement pan?
action: You look under the excitement pan
response: Good idea! Maybe there are some shiny coins or something!

No, sadly.
action: You look under the pork pan
response: And now there's a yellow note. Boss, if the payoff of this is that we end up back at the tree and find a guy holding a bunch of roses, I'm going to be really cheesed off.
action: You read the yellow
response: "Do you remember our first date? We sat out under the stars, throwing toy bugs at the fence and laughing as they exploded. You'll find what you seek back where I bought the bugs, inside a cedar box."
action: You search the trinkets for the box
response: There are quite a few boxes in here, but I don't see anything interesting about them. They're not worth taking.
action: You search the trinkets for the cedar box
response: That's interesting. There's only one cedar box in the pile, and it's deliberately hidden in the back.
action: You open the box
response: Okay, let's see what we--- whoa. That's a diamond ring here! The inside of the lid reads, "Will You Marry Me?"
action: You take the ring
response: Well, mystery man, I hope she loves you more than she loves jewelry. Taken.
action: You say yes
response: (to Mel)
Frankly, boss, I don't think there's anything I can tell Mel that he doesn't already know. The man's a genius. We might have better luck asking questions, though.
action: You examine the ring
response: There's a large diamond set into the ring, and I can see all of the colors of rainbow reflected in its perfect, sparkly, perfect facets. For the rest of my life, every night I will dream of its resplendent beauty.
action: You eat the ring
response: Hold on. Still staring at perfection.
action: You ask Mel about the ring
response: Okay, okay, I'll go back to the drab, non-sparkling real world.

Mel shakes his head. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."
action: You look around
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a cedar box (which is open) and a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: You take the cockroach
response: As you well know, those little guys are extremely unstable.
Also, Mel's Magic Shop is you-break-it-you-buy-it.
action: Go southeast
response: This is the back corner of the magic shop, where Mel actually puts magical things together. He's got a giant oak workbench. Unlike your workbench, though, it's perfectly clean and shows no signs of ever having caught on fire.

The front counter's back to the northwest.

I can see a workbench and a shelf (on top of which are two bottles of blue dye) here.
action: You look under the workbench
response: Good idea! Maybe there are some shiny coins or something!

No, sadly.
action: You take all
response: Exploding Cockroaches: As you well know, those little guys are extremely unstable. Also, Mel's Magic Shop is
you-break-it-you-buy-it.
pile of assorted trinkets: There are a million things here, and stealing from Mel would be suicidal.
Mel: I don't see how, and I would probably just get shooed away again.
action: You show ring to Mel
response: "Oh, W.D., I think I'm a little too old to marry you."

"Very funny. Is it real? Is it worth something?"

Mel reaches under the counter and throws some sort of powder on the ring. "Yes. Definitely." He frowns. "W.D., I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. I will know if you are lying."

Uh oh. "Okay, Mel."

"Did you rob a jewelry store?"

"Mel, I can 100% say I did not rob a jewelry store."

"Okay." Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth an ingredient. All right, W.D., I'm impressed. Perhaps you will be able to get enough money."

This is wonderful, boss! I think we're well on our way to creating the potion and saving your bacon!
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a vase
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard
action: You put the mind in the box
response: If only it was that easy.
action: You show the vase to Mel
response: "Mel, did you make this?"

"Ah, yes. I was experiment with unbreakable glass and ended up producing this vase. It's not unbreakable, unfortunately, but it does reform itself after a few minutes when it breaks. It is not really practical for protecting flowers, but it can lead to some entertaining parlor tricks."
action: You break the vase
response: Ploink! The vase cracks apart, and the shards of
glass...disappear? Huh, weird.
action: You wait for a while
response: All right.
action: You wait
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.
action: Wait
response: All right.

Kniolp! Shards of glass pop into existence and reform
themselves into a glass vase.
action: You show the rod to Mel
response: "Mel, this isn't yours, is it?"

"W.D., I'm surprised you would forget one of your employer's inventions. That is his Fishing Wand, based off the Aetheric Coin Generator he liked so much. It was a surprisingly competent invention; it worked so well, in fact, that the bait attracted other animals, which scared away the fish. It was a decent try, though."
action: Go west
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.
action: You go to the southwest
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You eat the hedgehog
response: I wish I could, but he's just too pointy.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You show fish to the hedgehog
response: "Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
action: You give the fish to the hedgehog
response: "Food! Food for meeeeee! Oh---

Is a happy happy hooooog!
It's a good day for eating
And singiiiiiiiing!

Good job. Now he's singing louder.

The hedgehog sings happily:

Oh, being round is great,
But being fed is better!
I love foods and foods
And foods and foods
And foods and foods!

You're the one who wanted to feed him.
action: You look at the barn
response: It's a bit far off to see very well.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Punch hedgehog
response: I wish I could, but he's just too pointy.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!
action: You go west
response: Yep, big red barn. It's got a new paint job, too. It looks like it's in good condition, actually. I don't see any cobwebs in the corners or birds' nests, so either it's been freshly-built or they really cleaned the place out recently. Even the hay in the stalls is untrampled. The exit back to the fields is to the east.

I can see a pile of hay and some stalls here.
action: You look at the hay
response: The hay is dry and clean, which is pretty atypical for hay in a barn. I wonder if they haven't moved the animals in yet.
action: You look at the stalls
response: This is a large barn, with space for ten or so horses and many cows.
action: You eat the hay
response: (first taking the pile of hay)
Until we figure out how to spin straw into gold, I'd just as soon leave it here.
action: You go to the east
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go south
response: These little country houses are hit or miss. Sometimes they have good food to steal; sometimes their owners want to cook and eat you. This particular one is a one-room cottage with a thatched roof. The chimney's the nicest thing here. Unfortunately for us, there's nothing cooking on the fireplace. No fire either, so waiting around here isn't going to get us any food. Nobody's here, though the door to the north is ajar. The cottage continues to the west.

A ramshackle table stands against the wall.

There are some farming tools in the corner of the cottage.

I can also see a scarf here.
action: You look at the scarf
response: The scarf is very light. I think it's made of silk. It's yellow.
action: You look at the table
response: It's a round, wooden table. Six or seven people could fit around it. It's solid looking, but rough; it's functional rather than pretty. It has food stains that are several years old, giving it a pleasant aroma of meals past. Unfortunately, there's no actual food on it.
action: You look at the tools
response: They're some tools that you humans probably use to farm, uh, farm stuff. Some of them have pointy bits, if that helps.
action: Smell table
response: Well, I tell you one thing, boss. Somewhere there is food, and I'm not eating it, and that's a sad, sad thing.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
some farming tools
a scarf
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard
action: You go north
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.
action: You go to the west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
action: You go south
response: These little country houses are hit or miss. Sometimes they have good food to steal; sometimes their owners want to cook and eat you. This particular one is a one-room cottage with a thatched roof. The chimney's the nicest thing here. Unfortunately for us, there's nothing cooking on the fireplace. No fire either, so waiting around here isn't going to get us any food. Nobody's here, though the door to the north is ajar. The cottage continues to the west.

A ramshackle table stands against the wall.
action: Go west
response: This is an alcove bordered by two sets of shelves. I think it's a food-storage area, based on the jars labeled "FLOUR" and such. There are assorted vegetables arranged in a few piles. The rest of the cottage is back east.

There's a hatch set into the wall, with a lever next to it and a basket underneath.
action: You look at the hatch
response: It's a small covered hatch, about a quarter of my size, built into the wall.
action: You look at the lever
response: It's a red lever attached to the wall by the hatch.
action: You look at the basket
response: There's a wicker basket lying directly below the hatch.
action: You examine the vegetables
response: There's a pile of potatoes and a pile of carrots. There are also a few radishes that look like they're about to go off. (Er, I mean "rot" and not "explode." That would be great, though. You should invent an exploding radish.)
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg rolls out of the hatch into the basket, where it breaks.

narf narf nom nom...Man, I love eggs. Uh, sorry, boss.
action: You examine the shelves
response: The pantry is lined with shelves. There are various baking supplies and a few piles of vegetables.
action: You pull lever
response: An egg plops gently out of the hatch onto the scarf.

narf narf nom nom...Man, I love eggs. Uh, sorry, boss.
action: You take all
response: lever: That's fixed in place.
basket: It's too bulky for me to carry around, and it's too large to put into my bag.
action: You pull the lever
response: Taken.

An egg rolls out of the hatch into the basket, where it breaks.

narf narf nom nom...Man, I love eggs. Uh, sorry, boss.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a scarf
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a faery coin
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard
action: You examine the jars
response: There are spices and various baking supplies.
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg plops gently out of the hatch onto the scarf.

Oh, man, a magic faery just appeared and took away the egg.
Burp. That's so sad.
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg plops gently out of the hatch onto the scarf.

Oh, man, a magic dragon just appeared and took away the egg with magic. No! Bad dragon! That mouth-wateringly enticing egg is for my boss, and its spectacular deliciousness is for him, not you! Go away!

Well, I managed to scare the dragon off, but he left with your egg. Sorry, boss. Burp.
action: You go to the north
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.
action: You go east
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a vase and a pile of assorted trinkets here.

"Greetings, W.D.," says Mel. "As a reminder, you still have one ingredient's worth of credit."
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg plops out of the hatch into the vase and breaks.

Ack! Can't...resist...must eat egg! Shoot! I can't get my beak in there. Stupid narrow vase with its stupid narrow neck.
action: You put the scarf in the vase
response: Done. Well, sort of done. I've crammed it in, but the scarf's still sticking out a bit.

Maybe if I tip the vase over...ah, no luck. Stupid vase designed for stupid humans with their stupid hands. My beak doesn't seem to be up to the task. Don't worry, delicious egg! I'll get to you eventually!
action: You pull lever
response: I can hear something rattling around behind the hatch, but no further eggs are forthcoming. Don't worry, egg! I'll save you! Come to think of it, I should also save the last one we got.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You look in the vase
response: In the vase are a scarf and an egg.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You take vase
response: Taken.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You break the vase
response: Ploink! The vase cracks apart, and the shards of glass
disappear.

Oh, no, the treasurer just walked in! No, evil treasurer, you can't have my boss's egg! I know it looks irresistably tasty, but he needs it for some unnecessarily complicated scheme involving financial skulduggery. You can't just---

Sorry, boss, he grabbed the egg and ran away. Man, that guy's horrible. Burp. Let's go stop him.
action: Wait
response: All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

Kniolp! Shards of glass pop into existence and reform
themselves into a glass vase. Ohhhh, it must be made out of Mel's self-repairing glass. It's cheaper than his unbreakable glass.
action: You put the scarf in the vase
response: Done. Well, sort of done. I've crammed it in, but the scarf's still sticking out a bit.
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg rolls out of the hatch into the basket, where it breaks.

Oh, man, a magic faery just appeared and took away the egg.
Burp. That's so sad.
action: You pull the lever
response: An egg plops out of the hatch into the vase, landing gingerly on the scarf.

Ack! Can't...resist...must eat egg! Shoot! I can't get my beak in there. Stupid narrow vase with its stupid narrow neck.
action: You look at the fireplace
response: This is a sad little fireplace. There's no fire and no food.
action: You look at the chimney
response: It's a red brick chimney. I'm not a great judge--- I don't know why anyone would ruin meat by setting it on fire--- but it looks nicer than the rest of the house. The bricks look like they're exactly the same size, and they're laid out in straight rows. Most of them, anyway; one is sticking out a bit. It looks like the mortar surrounding it has been cut away.
action: You examine the brick
response: There's one brick in the fireplace that's sticking out. It looks like the mortar around it's been cut away.
action: You take the brick
response: Okay. It's a rough surface. I can probably get my claws in and drag it out. Rrrgh! Well, I didn't manage to pry it all the way out, but I did shift it a little. There's a parchment concealed under the brick.
action: You look at the parchment
response: This is...well...man, this is a lot of text. I didn't know humans could write letters that tiny. Give me a minute.

...Okay, I'm pretty sure it's some kind of insurance policy. Bearer gets...um, hmm. I think it's an insurance policy on a barn west of town, but don't quote me on that.
action: You go west
response: This is an alcove bordered by two sets of shelves. I think it's a food-storage area, based on the jars labeled "FLOUR" and such. There are assorted vegetables arranged in a few piles. The rest of the cottage is back east.

There's a hatch set into the wall, with a lever next to it and a basket underneath.

Maybe if I tip the vase over...ah, no luck. Stupid vase designed for stupid humans with their stupid hands. My beak doesn't seem to be up to the task. Don't worry, delicious egg! I'll get to you eventually!
action: You search the spices
response: I don't see anything interesting or valuable.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You look at the basket
response: There's a wicker basket lying directly below the hatch.

Inside the basket is a vase.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go to the west
response: I can't go that way.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go west
response: This is an alcove bordered by two sets of shelves. I think it's a food-storage area, based on the jars labeled "FLOUR" and such. There are assorted vegetables arranged in a few piles. The rest of the cottage is back east.

There's a hatch set into the wall, with a lever next to it and a basket underneath.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You look at the vase
response: It's a delicate glass vase with a narrow neck, although it widens at the bottom. It's the kind of vase that holds a few flowers instead of a whole bouquet.

Inside the vase are an egg and a scarf.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You go east
response: These little country houses are hit or miss. Sometimes they have good food to steal; sometimes their owners want to cook and eat you. This particular one is a one-room cottage with a thatched roof. The chimney's the nicest thing here. Unfortunately for us, there's nothing cooking on the fireplace. No fire either, so waiting around here isn't going to get us any food. Nobody's here, though the door to the north is ajar. The cottage continues to the west.

A ramshackle table stands against the wall.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go north
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You show the vase to the hedgehog
response: I'm not getting any response. Pssh. I wish I had one of your Extremely Loud Icebreaker Crackers. Those always got a response, even if it was usually a violent one.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

The egg is calling to me...
action: You give the vase to the hedgehog
response: Hey, this is hard-earned stuff. I'm not just giving it away here.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You drop the vase
response: Dropped.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the vase
response: Taken.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You go to the east
response: I can't go that way.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You go to the north
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Go east
response: I can't go that way.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You go north
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You ask Sandie about the salt
response: "Awk awk caw!"

"I know what you want, W.D., but I'm not giving you any food unless you have some real money. Your tab is already ridiculous."

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You look at the salt
response: I'm told that humans put salt on things to make them taste salty. Psh. The only seasoning meat needs is more meat.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You take the salt
response: Taken.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You eat the salt
response: I don't like eating my spices plain. I usually want to put some eyeballs or a nice steak under them.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go south
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go south
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Go west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go to the north
response: I can't go that way.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go north
response: I can't go that way.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go west
response: Yep, big red barn. It's got a new paint job, too. It looks like it's in good condition, actually. I don't see any cobwebs in the corners or birds' nests, so either it's been freshly-built or they really cleaned the place out recently. Even the hay in the stalls is untrampled. The exit back to the fields is to the east.

I can see a pile of hay and some stalls here.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You put the coin in hay
response: Okay, I've put the faery coin on the pile of hay.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You put the salt on the coin
response: All right.

Fwoooom! The faery coin explodes! Sparks everywhere!

I think the hay is on fire. Yep, it's kind of smoking. Oooh, I see flame!

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You exit
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

There's a red barn off to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

Oooh, I can see flames shooting out of the barn! There's a huge cloud of smoke going up!

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: Go north
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.

Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.

Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You go east
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Go east
response: This part of the bank is cut off from the public by a gilded cage. There's a big, grey, solid-looking door back there, presumably a vault. The room is big and echoey, thirty or forty feet high and brightly lit from a huge gold chandelier overhead. The main lobby is back to the west.

There's a black cord running from a hole in the wall.

There's a bored-looking teller behind the bars.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You show the parchment to the teller
response: "Hmm, yes, this is one of our policies. If anything unfortunate should..." She trails off as she notices a rising plume of smoke in the distance. "I see. Well, then. I suppose this is yours." She takes the parchment from me and hands me a check.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You look at the check
response: We got this check for burning down--- er, redeeming the policy on the barn at 1 Farmland Farm. Well, actually, we did both of those things.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You show the check to the teller
response: Aside from generally being nonplussed at serving a bird, the teller seems uninterested.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: Go west
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: Go west
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You go to the south
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go east
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a pile of assorted trinkets here.

"Greetings, W.D.," says Mel. "As a reminder, you still have one ingredient's worth of credit."

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You show the check to Mel
response: Mel looks it over. "Hm, made out to cash, even. All right." Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."

The egg is calling to me...
action: You read the page
response: This is a list of Midas potions:

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, and phoenix kidney

Components: sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, and daffodil blood

Components: phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and refined starmetal

Components: unicorn fur, phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and wizard ash

Transmute any inanimate object to gold (there's a smudge after
'gold', and I can't read what's written there)
Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go west
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Go north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: Go west
response: This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You go to the north
response: The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a young guardsman here.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You look in the wastebasket
response: It's full of crumpled vellum pages.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the vellum pages
response: Taken.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You read the vellum pages
response: In familiar handwriting, the text of the page reads:

Dear Guards,

Please return the machine you confiscated from the king's wizard, who is very powerful and very good at magic except for that one time with the pancakes, which was a reasonable accident that could happen to anyone. Also, I am stupid and I smell bad and my mother is a platypus.

The signature on this letter is somewhat unusual.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine the signature
response: A poorly-executed forgery of the treasurer's signature. I suspect his name is not actually "The Treasurer." I also suspect he knows how to spell "treasurer." I wish your Spelling Wasp had caught on, boss. That one should have made us millionaires. Anaphylactic shock is a small price to pay for proper spelling.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You look at Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic. He's dozing lightly. He has an impressive moustache that makes him look older than I suspect he actually is, or at least it would if it weren't obviously glued on.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You take the moustache
response: Let me just peel the glue off....got it! The guard stirs a bit, but goes back to sleep.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You wear the moustache
response: Hey! No clothes on the bird! I'm not one of those little yappy dogs.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine bell
response: There's a large (as in, about my size) bronze bell on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window. The bell's actually fairly interesting; its surface is covered with bronze dots making a floral pattern. I tend to associate Pre-Classical dots with sculpture, but there's no reason you couldn't cast a bell in that style.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You examine the cabinet
response: A poorly-built but solid storage cabinet with "EVIDENCE" painted on the door. It's in bad shape; the wood is splintering in several places, and there's even a sizeable crack on top. It's padlocked.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You examine Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic. He's dozing lightly.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Examine poster
response: It's a wanted poster offering five thousand florins for the capture of the infamous bank robber Two-Handed Bart (not to be confused with One-Handed Bart). He looks dashing with his shiny hair, his handlebar moustache, and his flapping green scarf. Is that dashing? That's the sort of thing you guys find dashing, right?

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine the crack
response: There's a large crack on the top of the evidence box.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You examine the padlock
response: The padlock's rusty. It looks like the latch is nearly rusted through.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Wave wand
response: Poof! A glittering coin materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You put the coin in the crack
response: I'm not holding the faery coin.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the coin
response: Taken.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You put the coin in the crack
response: The faery coin drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a mechanical moustache
a vellum page
a vase
an egg
a scarf
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard

The egg is calling to me...
action: You ring bell
response: Ding! The guard jumps up from his nap. "Hey, get away from the alarm! Stupid bird." Yeah, well, get away from...your...face, you
stupid human. Man, I'm going to think of a good comeback hours from now, when it won't do me any good.

He returns to his nap.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the padlock
response: I'll have to unlock it first.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You put the salt in the crack
response: The salt drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.

Fwoooom! The faery coin explodes! Sparks everywhere!

The napping guard startles. "Hr! What the?"
action: You look at the box
response: (the evidence box)
A poorly-built but solid storage cabinet with "EVIDENCE" painted on the door. It's in bad shape; the wood is splintering in several places, and there's even a sizeable crack on top. It's padlocked.

The guard laboriously stands up and rubs his eyes. "Why is the evidence locker smoking?"

The egg is calling to me...
action: Wait
response: All right.

The guard unlocks and opens the evidence cabinet and stares stupidly at it, scratching his head. "Hullo, what's this? Nothing seems to be on fire."

The egg is calling to me...
action: You look in the cabinet
response: In the evidence box are a scrap of paper and a metal device.

The guard closes up the evidence locker, locks it, and eagerly returns to his nap.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You take all
response: black cord: That's fixed in place.
wastebasket: That's fixed in place.
bronze bell: That's fixed in place.
evidence box: That's fixed in place.
young guardsman: I don't see how, and I would probably just get shooed away again.

The guard closes up the evidence locker, locks it, and eagerly returns to his nap.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You look in the box
response: (the evidence box)
Looking through the crack, I can see a scrap of paper and a metal device inside.

The guard unlocks and opens the evidence cabinet and stares stupidly at it, scratching his head. "Hullo, what's this? Nothing seems to be on fire."

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the scrap
response: Time to use all my sneakiness and stealth to grab the scrap of paper while the guard's distracted! And...got it!

The guard closes up the evidence locker, locks it, and eagerly returns to his nap.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine the scrap
response: It reads, "Give me the munny. I hav a bomm." Sheesh. I can
spell better than that.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the metal
response: That's fixed in place.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You look at the box
response: (the evidence box)
A poorly-built but solid storage cabinet with "EVIDENCE" painted on the door. It's in bad shape; the wood is splintering in several places, and there's even a sizeable crack on top. It's padlocked.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a scrap of paper
a mechanical moustache
a vellum page
a vase
an egg
a scarf
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard

The egg is calling to me...
action: You look at Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic. He's dozing lightly.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You examine the tunic
response: All the guards have green tunics with a stylized unicorn on the front. This guard also has a key on his belt.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: Unlock box
response: What do you want to unlock the evidence box with?
action: You unlock the box with the key
response: Sure, boss. I'll just hover three feet off the ground, delicately insert the key into the lock using my beak, and then spin around a couple of times in mid-air to open it. I can't perch on the lock or reach it from the ground, and keys are tricky to handle with beaks. I don't think this is a job for a raven, even one as fiendishly clever as me.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You look around
response: The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a young guardsman here.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: Up
response: This must be where the guards sleep. There are a bunch of cots here. A tired guardsman is sitting before a pile of paperwork, with an inkpad and wastebasket next to him. There's a staircase leading down to the main part of the guardhouse.

I can see some cots (on top of which is a coarse blanket) here.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Examine page
response: Which do you mean, the vellum page, the vellum page, or the torn page?
action: You examine the cots
response: A row of spartan cots.

On top of the cots is a coarse blanket.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You examine the blanket
response: A coarse woolen blanket. It smells like guard.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the blanket
response: Nghnghhngh! Sorry, boss, but the blanket is too heavy for me
to budge. I did manage to tear a bit off the corner with my beak, though.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Smell blanket
response: Well, I tell you one thing, boss. Somewhere there is food, and I'm not eating it, and that's a sad, sad thing.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the bit
response: (the scrap of paper)
I already have that.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
an iron key
a scrap of paper
a mechanical moustache
a vellum page
a vase
an egg
a scarf
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take corner
response: Taken.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine the stack
response: They look like various administrative forms. The guardsman is methodically stamping a signature onto each one.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You look at the forms
response: They look like various administrative forms. The guardsman is methodically stamping a signature onto each one.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine stamp
response: It's an oversized stamp with some sort of squiggly, almost illegible signature on its underside. If I had to guess, I'd say it was the treasurer's, but it could be yours. It might even be mine.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You take the stamp
response: That seems to belong to the tired guardsman.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You examine Guard
response: He looks wiped out. His tunic is rumpled. He's dully applying a squiggly signature to the pile of forms with an oversized stamp.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You look at the tunic
response: All the guards have green tunics with a stylized unicorn on the front. This guard also has a leather pouch on his belt.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You examine the unicorn
response: All the guards have green tunics with a stylized unicorn on the front. This guard also has a leather pouch on his belt.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You examine the pouch
response: It's a little leather bag. It's about the size of my Bag of Holding. It probably isn't magical, though.

The leather pouch is closed.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You open Bag
response: (the leather pouch)
Okay, I open the leather pouch, revealing a florin.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You look at florin
response: This is a one-florin coin. A florin is one twentieth of a mark. One florin will not save your bacon. But hey, you could buy me
some bacon.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You take the pouch
response: Taken.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You go to the south
response: I can't go that way.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Go south
response: This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go to the east
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: Go north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go to the west
response: This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You go north
response: The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a young guardsman here.

The egg is calling to me...
action: Wave wand
response: Poof! A glittering coin materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the coin
response: (the faery coin)
There are too many things in my bag of holding.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You put the coin in the crack
response: The florin drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You put the salt in the crack
response: The salt drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You wait for a while
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
some salt
a leather pouch (which is open but empty)
a florin
a torn bit of wool
an iron key
a scrap of paper
a mechanical moustache
a vellum page
a vase
an egg
a scarf
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
the Un-Hat
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You drop the vase
response: Dropped.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You put the faery coin in crack
response: The faery coin drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You put the salt in the crack
response: The salt drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.

Fwoooom! The faery coin explodes! Sparks everywhere!

The napping guard startles. "Hr! What the?"
action: You look in the box
response: (the evidence box)
Looking through the crack, I can see a metal device inside.

The guard laboriously stands up and rubs his eyes. "Why is the evidence locker smoking?"

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You wait
response: All right.

The guard fumbles around in his tunic, sighs, and sits back down.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You wait for a while
response: All right.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You examine Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic. He's dozing lightly.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You examine Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic. He's dozing lightly.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You put the key on the box
response: (the evidence box)
I don't think putting things on the evidence box would accomplish anything.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You put the key on Guard
response: I don't think putting things on the young guardsman would accomplish anything.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You give the key to Guard
response: The guard's suspicion and sleepiness fight it out for a while. After a couple of moments of painful deliberation, he takes the key from me and goes back to sleep.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the faery coin
response: Taken.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You put the faery coin in the crack
response: The faery coin drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You put the salt in the crack
response: The salt drops into the evidence cabinet through the crack.

The egg is calling to me...

Fwoooom! The faery coin explodes! Sparks everywhere!

The napping guard startles. "Hr! What the?"
action: You look in box
response: (the evidence box)
Looking through the crack, I can see a metal device inside.

The guard laboriously stands up and rubs his eyes. "Why is the evidence locker smoking?"

The egg is calling to me...
action: Wait
response: All right.

The guard unlocks and opens the evidence cabinet and stares stupidly at it, scratching his head. "Hullo, what's this? Nothing seems to be on fire."

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the device
response: Urgh, this thing weights a ton. I obviously can't fly with it, so let's see if I can drag it out of the box. Huff puff puff.

Shoot! The noise must have altered the guard, or maybe it was when I accidentally dropped the device on his foot. "You don't want that, bird," he says, taking it from me despite my caws of protestation and gingerly returning it to the box. "It's not food. Leave it alone." Then he locks the cabinet and goes back to his nap.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You examine florin
response: This is a one-florin coin. A florin is one twentieth of a mark. One florin will not save your bacon. But hey, you could buy me
some bacon.
action: You show florin to Sandie
response: I'm not getting any response. Pssh. I wish I had one of your Extremely Loud Icebreaker Crackers. Those always got a response, even if it was usually a violent one.
action: You take the meat
response: Which do you mean, the pork pan, the beef pan, or the Excitement pan?
action: You take the pork pan
response: Boss, that is an excellent idea, but Sandie has a mean
backhand.
action: Xyzzy
response: Thomas, could you put a random joke here? --Diane
action: Sing
response: Oooohhhhh,
I'm going to murder that hedgehog!
This is the hedgehog-murdering song!

Hmph.
action: You go to the north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.

The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a vase (which contains an egg and a scarf) and a young guardsman here.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You take the scarf
response: Hmm, that's going to be tricky. Let me tip it over, then lift up the neck like this, and...got it!

The egg is calling to me...
action: Examine poster
response: It's a wanted poster offering five thousand florins for the capture of the infamous bank robber Two-Handed Bart (not to be confused with One-Handed Bart). He looks dashing with his shiny hair, his handlebar moustache, and his flapping green scarf. Is that dashing? That's the sort of thing you guys find dashing, right?

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: Dye scarf
response: Ah, it turns a beautiful green. It reminds me of the leaves in my tree.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You look at Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You examine the mustache
response: Hey, this is one of your Multitudinous Mechanical Moustaches! You can wind it to change its shape. The first version was prone to stuck gears. It's too bad; I thought this was going to be a popular invention. Right now it's shaped like a giant, bushy, overgrown moustache.
action: You put the moustache on the man
response: "Well, I've always wanted to grow a better moustache, really..."

Oh, oh, he's taking it...he's putting it on...yes! Moustache go! Aw, man, don't pat me on the head. I'm not a dog.
action: You put the scarf on man
response: "Well, thank you, little magpie. I am kind of cold."

Magpie? I'm a raven! A raven! Stupid humans with their not
knowing anything and their not speaking the language and their failing to look like proper bank robbers unless I do a bunch of stupid work...
action: You look at the man
response: I'm not done yet. Stupid humans with their stupid lack of feathers and stupid weird beaks and stupid clothes. "Ooh, look at me, I'm a human. I'm going to not fly all day, then sleep horizontally on the floor. I like to set perfectly good rotting meat on fire, then eat it with a delicate little fork so I don't get delicious grease on my weird, fleshy hands and oh-so-precious opposable thumbs." Bah.

All right, now I'm done. Let's go.
action: You examine man
response: He looks like any other human, I guess. He's wearing grey pants, a grey fedora, a scarf, and a grey shirt, and he has a handlebar moustache. He's cursing under his breath as he tries to fill out paperwork.

The ordinary man proudly rubs his moustache.
action: You take the fedora
response: Hmm, it is a pretty nice hat. Let me just swoop in and
grab--- Slap! Ow! Don't hit me! I just want to steal your
hat!

Boss, this isn't going to work. He's very attached to the hat.

The ordinary man grumbles under his breath.
action: You put un-Hat on fedora
response: Yeah, take that, Hat Boy! I'll just drop the unhat on his head and---

!moobak

Er, that's me trying to mimic the sound of a 'kaboom' going backwards. The hat and the unhat kind of shrank into each other and, well, no hat. I think some of the guy's hair went with it. Uh oh, I think he's kind of cheesed off. Okay, no need for that kind of violence! Whoa whoa! I'm retreating to the chandelier now.

The ordinary man grumbles under his breath.
action: You examine man
response: He looks like any other human, I guess. He's wearing grey pants, a scarf, and a grey shirt, and he has a handlebar moustache. He's cursing under his breath as he tries to fill out paperwork.
action: You ask the man about the hair
response: "Quork quork quork?"
action: You pull cord
response: Done!

A mob of guardsmen charge out of the Watchtower towards the bank. I think I'll follow them.

Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

There's a bored-looking man at the tables trying to fill out some forms.

Three guards come rushing into the bank. "Stop right there, Two-Handed Bart!" shouts the tallest guard. "You're under arrest!" shouts the middle guard. "Wait! I don't think that's Two-Handed Bart!" cries the shortest guard.

"But he's got the moustache and the scarf and the no hat. He looks just like him!" says the tallest guard.

"Isn't he the same guy we didn't arrest last time?" says the short guard.

"I don't think so. He looks exactly like Two-Handed Bart," says the middle guard. "Maybe you were just mistaken before."

"I ... guess ..." says the short guard. "He does look just
like the poster....Well, take him in. Good job, guys."

The three guards drag the man out of the bank, while he wails incoherently about just being here for a loan.

Heh heh heh. Time to go collect our reward money!
action: Go north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

There's a black cord running from the guard tower to the bank.

This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's a statue of some ugly human here. The guard tower is north of here, a big, oppressive stone thing. I always feel like I'm about to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it.

There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east, and the wharf is to the west.

The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a vase (which contains an egg) and a young guardsman here.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine Guard
response: I think this guard is pretty young, although I'm not great at telling with you humans. He's wearing the standard-issue guard tunic.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You show the poster to Guard
response: "Caw!" I brandish the poster and perch on the guard's head.

"Hello, uh, bird. Huh, Two-Handed Bart. You know, we just captured him."

"Caw!" Yes, I was there.

"He's supposed to be a criminal mastermind, but he was just standing around idly in the middle of the bank."

"Awk awwwwk."

"I wonder who pulled the alarm," muses the guard. "The teller insists she didn't do it."

"Caw caw!" I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

"We'll get a bonus for being the guard shift that caught him. I guess nobody gets that five-thousand florin reward."

Maybe I can kill this guy and cash in his body with Mel. "Awk.
Awk. Awk awk cawk awwwk awwk caww awk." Complicated pantomime
ensues.

The guard is incredulous. "You? You're a bird."

"Awwwk quork awww." Yes, I am a bird waving a poster at you
and miming pulling an alarm cord. Maybe I know what I am talking about.

The guard is still incredulous. "Enh, we get our bonus anyway. Here's a credit slip." Finally, you people.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You examine the crack
response: There's a large crack on the top of the evidence box.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You look in the crack
response: Looking through the crack, I can see a scarf, a mechanical moustache, and a metal device inside.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You look at the animals
response: There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: Examine auctioneer
response: The auctioneer is wearing a fancy black suit. He seems faintly oily, but not in the delicious fried meats kind of way.

"...sold!" The merchant steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: Examine merchant
response: Which do you mean, the merchant, the merchant, the merchant, the merchant, the merchant, the merchant, the merchant, or the merchant?

...This clearly isn't working. To disambiguate the merchants, I'm going to give them human names. Let's see. I'm going to name that one Hortensia, and that one Percival, that one Rupertina, that one Elspeth, F'nyrx, Professor Demonspoon, Rombert, and Sunshine Gristlesplat.
action: You look at Hortensia
response: Hortensia is a sad-looking man carrying his hat before him and twisting its brim nervously.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Associated Rook Leverage," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You examine Rupertina
response: Rupertina is a tall, imposing woman.

"...sold!" Hortensia steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You examine  Elspeth
response: Elspeth is a young, smartly-dressed woman missing an earring.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Kingdom Flounder Interests?" he asks.
action: You examine professor
response: Professor Demonspoon is an elderly man in a rumpled three-piece suit, which he looks to have never changed.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You examine rombert
response: Rombert is a short, corpulent man.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Royal Ibis Bureau," he says. "Any bids?"

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You ask the cows about the auction
response: I perch near the livestock pens. "Hey, animals, are---"

"Aww, it's terrible here. Let's run around! I hate being cooped up."

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: Look around
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You ask the pigs about the auction
response: I perch near the livestock pens. "Hey there, I---"

"No time to talk! Can't stop moooooooving! The farmer might come back!"

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Aggregate Sea Krait System?" he asks.
action: You go south
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.
action: Bite cord
response: Okay. Fear the beak. Snap! All right, it's broken.
action: Go east
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

This part of the bank is cut off from the public by a gilded cage. There's a big, grey, solid-looking door back there, presumably a vault. The room is big and echoey, thirty or forty feet high and brightly lit from a huge gold chandelier overhead. The main lobby is back to the west.

There's a black cord running from a hole in the wall.

There's a bored-looking teller behind the bars.
action: You show the scrap to the teller
response: All right. Deep breath, W.D. You can do this. I'm doing my serious face, boss. I look deadly. I have a bomm and I'm not afraid to use it. In fact, I'd love to use it. I'd rather blow this bank up than get my money! Just give me an excuse! One million florins or hot fiery death! One million florins AND hot fiery death! Forget the money; I'm taking you all with meeeeeeeeeee!

...Darn it. I wish we had a real bomb. All the things you made that exploded by accident, and you never made a bomb on purpose?

Er, right. I should actually give her the note. Okay, she's reading it. "Just one minute, sir," she says. (Ooh, I'm a sir.) She's reaching under the counter--- ooh, she's going to try to pull the alarm! She looks surprised. She looks down at her hand. I bet you were expecting some tension in that cord, huh? She looks at me nervously. Oh yeah, I am two seconds away from kaboom, ma'am. Better get me my money.

She gets up and fumbles with the vault door. She pulls out several different keys. I keep glaring so she'll hurry up. She opens the door, reaches in, and grabs a sack. Then she comes back to me and unlocks something to open the bars. She tosses the sack at me and closes the bars.

She suddenly claps her hands over her mouth. "Oh my god! You got Two-Handed Bart arrested just so you could rob the bank yourself! ...Pleasedon'tkillme."

Oh yeah. I am W.D., and I am the King of Moneyville.
action: You take the sack
response: (the sack of bearer bonds)
I already have that.
action: You go west
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.

Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a sack of bearer bonds
a reward chit
a leather pouch (which is open but empty)
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You show the reward chit to Mel
response: "You captured Two-handed Bart?"

"Single-winged."

"How?"

"He showed up in the bank, so I pulled the alarm."

"Well, that's something. I suppose I'll cash this in before I mention knowing that Two-Handed Bart is always in Caberry this time of year."

"Uh, yeah, you do that."

Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."
action: You show the sack to Mel
response: Mel's eyes bug out slightly. "How...?"

"Lemonade stand."

"...I'm just going to not think about it." Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."

Mel closes his account book. "Well, W.D., I think you might have enough to make one of the simpler Midas potions I'm familiar with. I'll open the door to the alchemy laboratory." Mel makes a smooth but arcane gesture. In a seemingly empty space on the shop floor, a trapdoor abruptly pops into existence.

"Oh, so that was what a Perfectly Foolproof Illusion is
supposed to look like."

Mel says nothing as he crosses over to the trapdoor and opens it for me. "There. You'll be able to use the equiment in the laboratory to brew a potion."

"Wow, Mel, thank you so much. I'll definitely bring the boss here to buy you lunch, or something."

Mel nods. "I know you are in a hurry, W.D,. but you may want to look around a little more. I'm not entirely certain you have the right ingredients to make something useful."

"Oh. Well, I'll check the lab out."

"Good luck."
action: Go down
response: This is Mel's spooooky secret laboratory. I say "spooky" because it's lit bit a series of multicolored, floating orbs. Apart from the glowing elf balls, though, it's a relatively normal stone cellar. I can go up if you want to return to the shop proper.

There's a big pot on the floor and a sign on the wall.
action: You look at the balls
response: Glowing balls in red and green and purple. They drift lazily around the room.
action: You examine the pot
response: I'm sure it's technically an "alchemical cauldron apparatus," but I will be referring to it as a "pot." The pot is filled with some kind of thick liquid, and there's a sigil embossed on its side.
action: You look at the sign
response: Save your notes! You do not like remaking potions from scratch.
--Mel
action: You examine the sigil
response: It's some sort of intricate design. It means nothing to me, and it's way too complicated for me to describe to you. It looks impressively mystical and eldritch, though.
action: You examine the liquid
response: (the bottle of blue dye)
This is a bottle of blue dye. It contains, in my estimation, enough to dye two ravens. That is not a suggestion.
action: You examine the thick liquid
response: This is some kind of gooey liquid. It resembles syrup, but it's not brown, and I don't detect any obvious odor from it. I'm assuming it's some sort of potion base, but that's really your department.
action: You read the page
response: Which do you mean, the vellum page or the torn page?
action: You read the torn page
response: This is a list of Midas potions:

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, and phoenix kidney

Components: sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, and daffodil blood

Components: phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and refined starmetal

Components: unicorn fur, phoenix kidney, daffodil blood, and wizard ash

Transmute any inanimate object to gold (there's a smudge after
'gold', and I can't read what's written there)
Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, ivory runestone, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash

Components: unicorn fur, sapphire whiskey, phoenix kidney, ivory runestone, daffodil blood, refined starmetal, and wizard ash
action: Go upward
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast. Now there's also a trapdoor leading down.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: You ask Mel about the credit
response: Mel checks his ledger. "You've given me enough money and valuables for four spell ingredients."
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a leather pouch (which is open but empty)
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a leather pouch (which is open but empty)
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a cedar box (which is open but empty)
a piece of yellow paper
a piece of green paper
a piece of violet paper
a piece of red paper
a fish
a fishing rod
a wanted poster
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard
action: You put yellow and the green and the violet and the red in the box
response: Which do you mean, the piece of red paper or the red balloon?
action: You put the yellow and green and the violet in the box
response: piece of yellow paper: There is no more room in the cedar box.
piece of green paper: There is no more room in the cedar box.
piece of violet paper: There is no more room in the cedar box.
action: You put the yellow and green and the violet in the pouch
response: piece of yellow paper: Done.
piece of green paper: Done.
piece of violet paper: Done.
action: You put red paper in the pouch
response: Taken.
There is no more room in the leather pouch.
action: You take all from the pouch
response: piece of violet paper: Removed.
piece of green paper: Removed.
piece of yellow paper: Removed.
action: You drop the violet and the green and the yellow
response: Dropped.
piece of violet paper: Dropped.
piece of green paper: Dropped.
piece of yellow paper: Dropped.
action: You drop wanted
response: Dropped.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You examine the rod
response: Hey, you made this! It's your Fishing-Rod-With-Self-Baiting-Hook! Somebody is using something you made! Or, well, maybe they were at some point; they've apparently abandoned it. It still counts as a sale, though. There's no line or hook on the fishing rod; it looks a lot like a tree branch.
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A cricket materializes in the air in front of me and
drops to the floor.
action: You look at the cricket
response: I despise the way these guys chirp. It's always satisfying
when you catch one and then it's crunch crunch crunch crunch
and one fewer chirpy annoyance. Crickets have a milder taste than grasshoppers.
action: You eat the cricket
response: (first taking the cricket)
Crunch. Ah, always satisfying to do that.
action: Nfspecfic1
response: %% Enter a save filename to read:
action: Specfic1
response: [Restore failed.]
action: Nfspecfic1
response: [Ok.]
action: Look around
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast. Now there's also a trapdoor leading down.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a leather pouch (which is open), a cedar box (which is open), a wanted poster, a piece of yellow paper, a piece of green paper, a piece of violet paper, a piece of red paper, and a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: You ask Mel about the credit
response: Mel checks his ledger. "You've given me enough money and valuables for four spell ingredients."
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a red balloon
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You go north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.
action: Go southwest
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A nightcrawler materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.
action: You look around
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a nightcrawler and a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last bait first. Conservation of energy, or something.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
action: You give nightcrawler to the hedgehog
response: I haven't got the nightcrawler.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You examine the balloon
response: It's a shiny red balloon on a string, filled with that special air that makes things float. It's really shiny. We should keep it and look at it for a while.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You give the balloon to the hedgehog
response: The hedgehog starts playing delightedly with the balloon. Whee.
action: You wait a while
response: All right.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You wait
response: All right.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You give the nightcrawler to the hedgehog
response: "Food! Food for meeeeee! Oh---

Is a happy happy hooooog!
It's a good day for eating
And singiiiiiiiing!

Good job. Now he's singing louder.
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A nightcrawler materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! An earthworm materializes in the air in front of me
and drops to the floor.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You eat the earthworm
response: (first taking the earthworm)
Chomp. Very tasty.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! An earthworm materializes in the air in front of me
and drops to the floor.
action: You take the earthworm
response: Taken.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

The hedgehog enters from the west.
action: You go north
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

The hedgehog enters from the south.
action: You take the coin
response: Which do you mean, the faery coin, the florin, or the strange coin?
action: You give the hedgehog to the beggar
response: I haven't got the hedgehog.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You take strange coin
response: "Hey, hedgehog, I---"

"Hi! Got any food? Got any food? Iiiiiiiiii'm pointy!"

I think I'm done here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You take hedgehog
response: He's like a ball of needles. And not in a good way, like your Spherical Sewing Engine. Come to think of it, that wasn't so hot either.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go to the north
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
an earthworm
a red balloon
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You look at the wool
response: The corner from a wool blanket.
action: You tell the beggar about the birthday
response: "Hello, birdie. You like shiny things, don't you? I like shiny things, too. Would you like to give me something shiny?"

"What? No! I---" Yeah, yeah, you don't speak Raven.
action: You look at the tools
response: They're some tools that you humans probably use to farm, uh, farm stuff. Some of them have pointy bits, if that helps.
action: You pop the balloon
response: Pop! Gah! That balloon is loud. Well, that was fun while it
lasted.
action: You examine the shops
response: There's a wagon repair shop and a shoe store. I don't see anything useful to us.
action: You go southwest
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!
action: Go southwest
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You eat worm
response: Chomp. Very tasty.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A nightcrawler materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You take the worm
response: Taken.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go southwest
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.
action: Go west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Go west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You follow you
response: "Hey, hedgehog, I---"

"Hi! Got any food? Got any food? Iiiiiiiiii'm pointy!"

I think I'm done here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a nightcrawler
a red balloon
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard
action: You show the worm to the nightcrawler
response: I can only do that to something animate.
action: You show the worm to the hedgehog
response: "Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: You give the balloon to the hedgehog
response: The hedgehog starts playing delightedly with the balloon. Whee.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: You take the balloon
response: Taken.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You show the wool to the hedgehog
response: I'm not getting any response. Pssh. I wish I had one of your Extremely Loud Icebreaker Crackers. Those always got a response, even if it was usually a violent one.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: Go north
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

The hedgehog enters from the south.
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A nightcrawler materializes in the air in front of
me and drops to the floor.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go to the north
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.

The hedgehog enters from the south.
action: You show the worm to the hedgehog
response: "Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Go northeast
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the worm
response: Taken.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: Go northeast
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

The hedgehog enters from the southwest.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You sell the hedgehog
response: (first taking the hedgehog)
He's like a ball of needles. And not in a good way, like your Spherical Sewing Engine. Come to think of it, that wasn't so hot either.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Resolute Aardvark Leverage," he says. "Any bids?"

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Bid hedgehog
response: What do you want to bid the hedgehog on?
action: You examine the animals
response: There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
action: You go to the southwest
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.

The hedgehog enters from the northeast.
action: You give the worm to the hedgehog
response: "Food! Food for meeeeee! Oh---

Is a happy happy hooooog!
It's a good day for eating
And singiiiiiiiing!

Good job. Now he's singing louder.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! A cricket materializes in the air in front of me and
drops to the floor.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go south
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

The hedgehog enters from the north.
action: Go east
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast. Now there's also a trapdoor leading down.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a leather pouch (which is open), a cedar box (which is open), a wanted poster, a piece of yellow paper, a piece of green paper, a piece of violet paper, a piece of red paper, and a pile of assorted trinkets here.

"Greetings, W.D.," says Mel. "As a reminder, you still have four ingredients' worth of credit."
action: You go west
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Go south
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

The hedgehog enters from the north.
action: Go south
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

The hedgehog enters from the north.
action: Go upwards
response: It's kind of boring here. I hear the king hasn't put anybody in the dungeon in over a year. Must make you feel special. It's drafty, being up in the tower, and the stones in the wall have chips and various--- do you really care? They're old. The door looks pretty sturdy. There's some light coming into the room from a window about, uh, twice your height up. Can we leave?

I can see a tapestry, a bed, a mirror, and an annoying git in a dress here.
action: You take tapestry
response: That's fixed in place.
action: You look at the tapestry
response: It's a garish sight. I guess the artist might have been trying to do something in the Colorist style. (Purple and green dyes became cheap around the turn of the century, and there was a rainbow explosion in the art world for about a decade.) I don't know, though--- these colors don't really go together. Colorism usually involves more realistic pairings, and I don't think humans are supposed to be that shade of orange. I think the blobby thing is meant to be a unicorn, but that's speculation.

The tapestry was made by the late queen. I've heard stories about her prolific and unusual talent. I'm sure the old guy couldn't bear to throw it out, and nobody else could bear to look at it. There's a wobbly inscription woven into the corner.
action: You enter the tree
response: From here, I can see all sorts of things. Sandie's got her Hot Meats stall set up in the middle of Big Street. The castle (and your body) are off to the south. The bank sparkles faintly in the distance. There are streamers and balloons out in front of the magic shop. Farmland stretches off to the west.
action: Go west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.
action: You go west
response: You should have thought of that before you had me burn the barn down.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go south
response: These little country houses are hit or miss. Sometimes they have good food to steal; sometimes their owners want to cook and eat you. This particular one is a one-room cottage with a thatched roof. The chimney's the nicest thing here. Unfortunately for us, there's nothing cooking on the fireplace. No fire either, so waiting around here isn't going to get us any food. Nobody's here, though the door to the north is ajar. The cottage continues to the west.

A ramshackle table stands against the wall.
action: You look at the table
response: It's a round, wooden table. Six or seven people could fit around it. It's solid looking, but rough; it's functional rather than pretty. It has food stains that are several years old, giving it a pleasant aroma of meals past. Unfortunately, there's no actual food on it.
action: Go north
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
action: Go north
response: I can't go that way.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a nightcrawler
a red balloon
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You give the balloon to the hedgehog
response: The hedgehog starts playing delightedly with the balloon. Whee.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go to the west
response: I've stopped in front of a cottage to the south, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround me and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.

The ruins of a red barn lie to the west.

I can also see a hedgehog here.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
action: You examine the hedgehog
response: Hedgehogs are, sadly, inedible, so there's not much to say about them. This one is frolicking, which is very undignified. In fact, I
think it's singing.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a nightcrawler
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard
action: You give the balloon to hedgehog
response: The hedgehog starts playing delightedly with the balloon. Whee.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!

The hedgehog's playing with the stupid balloon. "I love you, balloooooon! Have a hug!"

Oh, seriously? Is he really going to---

Gah, those things are loud when they pop. The hedgehog looks dazed. "Oh no! Where did my balloon friend go?"
action: You pop the balloon
response: Pop! Gah! That balloon is loud. Well, that was fun while it
lasted.

Ha ha. That was a great noise. Oh, hey, I think it scared one of the cows. She's trying to break the fence. Whoa whoa, she did
break the fence and now all of the cows are mooing really loudly and kind of running and now the pigs are--- woohoo! It's a stampede! Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be just standi---- ack!
action: Wave rod
response: Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last bait first. Conservation of energy, or something.
action: Go east
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

"Food! Food for meeeeee! Oh---

Is a happy happy hooooog!
It's a good day for eating
And singiiiiiiiing!

Good job. Now he's singing louder.
action: Wave wand
response: Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last coin first. Conservation of energy, or something.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Is a happy happy hog!
It's a good day for eating
And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! An earthworm materializes in the air in front of me
and drops to the floor.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: Wave rod
response: "Food! Food for meeeeee! Oh---

Is a happy happy hooooog!
It's a good day for eating
And singiiiiiiiing!

Good job. Now he's singing louder.

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
I can't see any such thing.
action: Wave rod
response: Pfwarmp! An earthworm materializes in the air in front of me
and drops to the floor.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Singing is the best,
The best, the best!
What's the best?
That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!
action: You take the earthworm
response: Taken.

The hedgehog starts to sing:

Doop de dooooooo,
It's a round life for meeeeee!
We're roly and poly
And hedgyhogoly,
A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!

"Oh oh! Hey! Hey! Can I have that? It looks delicious! I love food. Don't you love food? Oh hog oh hog I love food."
action: You go to the north-east
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a red balloon, a coffer (which is open), and an auction block here.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Reliable Gopher Group," he says. "Any bids?"

The hedgehog enters from the southwest.
action: You go south
response: Let me tell you, these walls gleam. They're made of Marmoreal
marble, known for the gold lines running through it. The floors and ceilings are made of the same material. The lobby of the bank is fairly open. There are exits to the north and west leading outside, and the bank continues to the east. There's also a table with forms and stuff.
action: You eat the earthworm
response: Chomp. Very tasty.
To the the north, I hear a cow cry out, "Augh, it's the Farmer! The Farmer is coming! It's the Farmer! Oh no oh no oh no oh no run run run run run runrunrunrunrun!"
action: Go north
response: This the floor of the stock market, though the pen is sadly empty now. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"One!" declares F'nyrx.

"Two!" declares Elspeth.

"Four florins!" bids Hortensia.

"Eight florins!" bids Professor Demonspoon.

"How about sixteen florins? Do I hear sixteen?"

This is great, boss! There are cows and pigs and ducks and sheep and more cows, and all of them are rushing towards me. Wow, it's a stampede! Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be just stand---- ack!
action: You go to the west
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.

Augh! It's a cow quake! Cows and dogs and pigs and chickens and at least one wildebeest charge in from the north, screaming and bleating.

"Help! We're running!"

"Whee! We're running!"

"I'm going to get stepped on!"

"Panic! Panic panic panic!"

"Freedom! Panic! Freedom!"

This is a breathtaking, mouth-watering sight, boss, but it might be a bit dangerous to hang around a horde of stampeding animals.
action: You go south
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

The stampede charges in from the south.

Sandie whips out a ladle and starts beating back some dogs that look more hungry than scared.
action: You go south
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

The stampede charges in from the south.
action: You wait for a while
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

This is great, boss! There are cows and pigs and ducks and sheep and more cows, and all of them are rushing towards me. Wow, it's a stampede! Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be just stand---- ack!
action: You take the coin
response: Which do you mean, the strange coin, the faery coin, or the florin?
action: You take strange
response: Yeah, try to hear me through the stampede. Yoink!

Taken.

This is great, boss! There are cows and pigs and ducks and sheep and more cows, and all of them are rushing towards me. Wow, it's a stampede! Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be just stand---- ack!
action: Up
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

The stampede charges in from the south.

It's kind of boring here. I hear the king hasn't put anybody in the dungeon in over a year. Must make you feel special. It's drafty, being up in the tower, and the stones in the wall have chips and various--- do you really care? They're old. The door looks pretty sturdy. There's some light coming into the room from a window about, uh, twice your height up. Can we leave?

I can see a tapestry, a bed, a mirror, and an annoying git in a dress here.
action: Look around
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

This is great, boss! There are cows and pigs and ducks and sheep and more cows, and all of them are rushing towards me. Wow, it's a stampede! Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't be just stand---- ack!
action: You go to the southwest
response: Big Street, North End
This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers--- you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.

I can go west deeper into the city if you want me to get harrassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast, and Big Street continues to the south.

The two halves of a broken black cord hang down from the guard tower and the bank.
To the the northeast, I hear a cow cry out, "Augh, it's the Farmer! The Farmer is coming! It's the Farmer! Oh no oh no oh no oh no run run run run run runrunrunrunrun!"
action: You go to the south
response: Big Street, Center
Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.

Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.

There's a deafening combination of mooing and bleating from the north.
action: Go south
response: Big Street, South End
Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring, but the financial district is farther north, and the castle is to the south.

I can see a beggar here.

There's a deafening combination of mooing and bleating from the north.

"Aieeee! My ears!" cries the beggar, although I can barely hear him over the chaos.
action: You take strange
response: Yeah, try to hear me through the stampede. Yoink!

Taken.

Augh! It's a cow quake! Cows and dogs and pigs and chickens and at least one wildebeest charge in from the north, screaming and bleating.

"Help! We're running!"

"Whee! We're running!"

"I'm going to get stepped on!"

"Panic! Panic panic panic!"

"Freedom! Panic! Freedom!"

This is a breathtaking, mouth-watering sight, boss, but it might be a bit dangerous to hang around a horde of stampeding animals.
action: Go south
response: The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's sealed up while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors. There's a window above me leading to the room your body is in. There's farmland to the west, and Big Street is north.

My hanging-out tree is here.

The stampede charges in from the south.
action: You examine strange
response: It looks like it's made of gold and silver swirled together. One face shows some distinguished-looking older woman, and the other shows a lighthouse.
action: You eat strange
response: Ha ha, funny. I know you think I eat everything, but there are limits.

I am kind of hungry, though. Let me know if you see any real food.
action: Wave rod
response: Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last bait first. Conservation of energy, or something.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a strange coin
an earthworm
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You eat the earthworm
response: Chomp. Very tasty.
action: You go east
response: Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place. We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your
bacon.

The exit to the street is to the west, and there's another, smaller area of the shop to the southeast. Now there's also a trapdoor leading down.

Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.

Mel's at the counter.

I can also see a red balloon, a leather pouch (which is open), a cedar box (which is open), a wanted poster, a piece of yellow paper, a piece of green paper, a piece of violet paper, a piece of red paper, and a pile of assorted trinkets here.
action: You show strange to Mel
response: Mel examines the coin. "Where did you get a twenty septiva coin? Septivar was conquered and destroyed three hundred years ago."

"Well, I went and looked through my shiny object collection, and I didn't recognize this, so I figured it was probably valuable. Er, is it?"

"Oh yes, definitely. Here." Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."
action: You examine torn
response: Which do you mean, the torn bit of wool or the torn page?
action: You look at the torn page
response: It's a torn page from a book.
action: You read the vellum
response: In familiar handwriting, the text of the page reads:

Dear Guards,

Please return the machine you confiscated from the king's wizard, who is very powerful and very good at magic except for that one time with the pancakes, which was a reasonable accident that could happen to anyone. Also, I am stupid and I smell bad and my mother is a platypus.

The signature on this letter is somewhat unusual.
action: You examine the signature
response: A poorly-executed forgery of the treasurer's signature. I suspect his name is not actually "The Treasurer." I also suspect he knows how to spell "treasurer." I wish your Spelling Wasp had caught on, boss. That one should have made us millionaires. Anaphylactic shock is a small price to pay for proper spelling.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
a vellum page
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard
action: You examine the clear fluid
response: The bottle is filled with a colourless fluid. It's labelled, "Problem Solvent: Misspelled a word? Problem Solve-it with Problem Solvent!"
action: You pour clear fluid on the signature
response: Okay, let me sprinkle a few drops on it. Wow, the signature completely disappeared, and without the paper catching fire or turning into a swarm of angry bees or worse.
action: You examine vellum
response: An inexpert forgery on vellum, crumpled up a bit. It's unsigned.
action: Go northeast
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block here.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Majestic Lynx Acquisitions," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You examine the tower
response: It's an oppressive stone building. I always feel like I'm going to fly into it even when I'm nowhere near it. It's only two stories high. I'm confident that in later years, art critics will point to this building as the quintessential Thuggist structure.
action: You enter the tower
response: The entrance is farther to the west.
action: Go north
response: The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a vase (which contains an egg) and a young guardsman here.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You show vellum to guard
response: The guard reluctantly stirs. The guard reluctantly stirs. "This form isn't signed. It's not valid." Glaring at me, he tears up the form and goes back to sleep.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Up
response: This must be where the guards sleep. There are a bunch of cots here. A tired guardsman is sitting before a pile of paperwork, with an inkpad and wastebasket next to him. There's a staircase leading down to the main part of the guardhouse.

I can see some cots (on top of which is a coarse blanket) here.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.
action: You put the vellum on the stack
response: Okay, I've put the vellum page on the pile of paperwork.
action: You wait a while
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

The sleepy guardsman picks up the vellum page and looks at it blearily. "Heh, platypus." The guard dutifully stamps the page and sets it aside.
action: You take vellum
response: Taken.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.
action: You examine the vellum
response: A slightly better forgery on vellum, crumpled up a bit. It's stamped with the treasurer's signature.
action: Down
response: The inside of the watchtower is even more oppressive than the outside. It's still a dark stone building, but now there's the smell of guard everywhere. I think bathing is illegal if you want to keep your job on the watch.

In addition to the stench, there's an evidence cabinet and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The street and fresh air are to the south.

There's a wastebasket in the corner.

A large (as in, about my size) bronze bell is on the wall, tied to a cord going out the window.

I can also see a vase (which contains an egg) and a young guardsman here.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You show the vellum to guard
response: The guard reluctantly stirs. He scans the form. "Oh, you belong to the crazy wizard. That explains so much. Well, I suppose this looks legit." He fishes out his key, opens the cabinet, and drags out a metal device from it. After carefully relocking the cabinet while watching me suspiciously, he goes back to sleep.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You look at device
response: I have no idea what this is, boss. It's a metal box with red, blue, and green buttons on its side and a narrow slot beneath them. There's a tray, also made of metal, mounted on the top. The machine looks great--- the metal is wonderfully shiny--- but there aren't any convenient labels or instructions. I don't think this is something you designed. Hey, maybe that means it'll work!

Er, sorry, boss. That came out wrong.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: Open device
response: That's not something I can open.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Up
response: This must be where the guards sleep. There are a bunch of cots here. A tired guardsman is sitting before a pile of paperwork, with an inkpad and wastebasket next to him. There's a staircase leading down to the main part of the guardhouse.

I can see some cots (on top of which is a coarse blanket) here.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.
action: You enter the stack
response: That's not something I can enter.

The sleepy guardsman takes the top page off the stack, gives it a cursory glance, stamps it, and sets it aside.
action: You examine the tray
response: There's a metal tray mounted on top of the strange device.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You examine the pamphlet
response: "Thank you muchly for buyinged Super Wonderful Very Legal Money Device! For happy money time, please three of etherial fraction to take inside Device:
- A wool (of clothing or not)
- A blue of dye (inside bottle is happy-good also)
- A egg (after breaked, is it acceptable? Very no!)
The blue of button is for to transport fraction from platform to inside the Device. The red of button is for to unmake transportation by eversion. The green of button is for to Device initiation money protocols. Let's money together in every day!

Neither this company nor its subsidiaries assume any liability for misuse of this Device for anything other than its recommended novelty purposes."

Oh, that's right, this is that counterfeiting machine you sent away for a while ago. I'm surprised you had so many problems with it; it sounds reliable enough.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a vellum page
a faery coin
a florin
a torn bit of wool
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a bottle of blue dye
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard

The egg is calling to me...
action: You put wool on the tray
response: The torn bit of wool is now inside the metal tray.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You press blue
response: (the bottle of blue dye)
Okay. Ngrrghnhgh! ...Nothing obvious happens.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You press the blue button
response: The top of the machine opens up as the tray splits apart into several pieces and dumps its contents into the interior of the machine. It then folds itself up again into a seamless box. Wow, boss. This thing is amazing. Are you getting all this? You need to make something like this.

The machine beeps, and a tinny voice issues from it. "Bip bip! Wool reception!" The talking creeps me out.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You put the blue dye on the tray
response: The bottle of blue dye is now inside the metal tray.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You put the egg on the tray
response: I can't do that without holding it.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You put the vase on the tray
response: I can't do that without holding it.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You put the vase on the tray
response: The vase is now inside the metal tray.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You press the blue button
response: The top of the machine opens up as the tray splits apart into several pieces and dumps its contents into the interior of the machine. It then folds itself up again into a seamless box.

The machine beeps. "Bip! Bad reception causes very sadness." The top of the machine unfolds as it spits out the vase, then reassembles itself in a complicated way that gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You eat the fish
response: Done! Not bad.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You break vase
response: Ploink! The vase cracks apart, and the shards of glass
disappear.

Wait, did I say there was an egg? Sorry, that was just a trick of the light. There was no mouth-wateringly delicious egg with the exact amount of staleness for perfect burp flavoring.
action: You take Device
response: Taken. Urgh, this thing weights a ton.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You go south
response: Huff puff puff. My load is too heavy to fly, or even hop,
boss.

If I can just get my beak a bit further in to the vase...Caw! No, the egg is too far down.
action: You drop Device
response: Dropped.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a vellum page
a faery coin
a florin
some farming tools
a fish
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You examine Device
response: This is apparently some sort of counterfeiting machine. It's a metal box with red, blue, and green buttons on its side and a narrow slot beneath them. There's a tray, also made of metal, mounted on the top.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You examine the tray
response: There's a metal tray mounted on top of the strange device.

Inside the metal tray is a vase.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the fish
response: I already have that.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You eat the fish
response: Done! Not bad.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the fish
response: I'll have to enter the circle first.

Ack! Can't...resist....must eat egg! Shoot! I still can't get my beak in there!
action: You enter the circle
response: I can feel a faint eldritch humming in the air as I step into the circle. Let's get out of here before the cage appears again.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You take the fish
response: Taken.

Now I can hear the humming and not just feel it. Something is rumbling beneath the circle. Let's get out of here before I have to break out of that cage again.

The egg is calling to me...
action: You break the vase
response: Ploink! The vase cracks apart, and the shards of glass
disappear.

Sproing! Some sort of weird magical glowing beams are
shooting up from the circle and--- oh, no. Not this again. No no no no no! They're surrounding me and, once again, forming some sort of magical cage around me. Get me out of here!

You know what would make being stuck in this weird magic cage worth it, boss? That egg. Help me get out of here so I can get my talons on it.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
a florin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of an annoying wizard

Kniolp! Shards of glass pop into existence and reform
themselves into a glass vase. Ohhhh, it must be made out of Mel's self-repairing glass. It's cheaper than his unbreakable glass.

Oh no, the delectable egg is just out of reach! Don't worry, egg, I'll get out of here soon and will savor your eggy deliciousness.
action: You enter the circle
response: I can feel a faint eldritch humming in the air as I step into the circle. Let's get out of here before the cage appears again.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take the fish
response: I already have that.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You eat the fish
response: Done! Not bad.

Hey, egg. Get out of that vase and get into my break. Arrgh, I can't reach. Come on, egg, just crawl up here so I can eat you.
action: You take fish
response: Taken.

Now I can hear the humming and not just feel it. Something is rumbling beneath the circle. Let's get out of here before I have to break out of that cage again.

Time for a delicious eggy snack! ...Oh crud. I still can't get to the egg at the bottom of the vase.
action: You break the vase
response: Ploink! The vase cracks apart, and the shards of glass
disappear.

Sproing! Some sort of weird magical glowing beams are
shooting up from the circle and--- oh, no. Not this again. No no no no no! They're surrounding me and, once again, forming some sort of magical cage around me. Get me out of here!

Oh no, the delectable egg is just out of reach! Don't worry, egg, I'll get out of here soon and will savor your eggy deliciousness.
action: You hit the bars
response: Okay, I can do violence! Kapow! I snapped one of the bars.
I'm almost through!
action: Continue
response: Okay, okay. Right. Violence solves so many problems. Thud!
The cage has enough and disappears in a puff of green smoke.
action: You examine Device
response: This is apparently some sort of counterfeiting machine. It's a metal box with red, blue, and green buttons on its side and a narrow slot beneath them. There's a tray, also made of metal, mounted on the top.

Kniolp! Shards of glass pop into existence and reform
themselves into a glass vase. Ohhhh, it must be made out of Mel's self-repairing glass. It's cheaper than his unbreakable glass.
action: You examine banknote
response: This is a note for one million florins! That's only fifty thousand marks, but it's still nothing to sneeze at. The paint's still a little tacky, so I'm being careful when touching it.
action: You take the banknote
response: Taken.
action: You go east
response: I'll have to get out of the chalk circle first.
action: You show the banknote to Mel
response: Mel looks at the note. Then he touches it lightly. I'm trying to look innocent, boss. I don't think he's buying it. Wait, wait. He shrugs.

"What the hell. It's funny, if nothing else."

Victory is ours!

Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."
action: You pop the balloon
response: Pop! Gah! That balloon is loud. Well, that was fun while it
lasted.
Checking a sigh, Mel incants "Kadara!", and a red balloon pops into existence. Man, that's handy.
action: Go northeast
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

Some merchants crowd around an auctioneer, doing whatever it is that humans do.

I can also see a coffer (which is open) and an auction block (on top of which is a stock certificate) here.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You examine the animals
response: There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Contemporary Cardinal Interests," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You examine the coffer
response: It's a strongbox full of stock certificates.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer
response: It's full of all sorts of stock certificates for all kinds of animals. I can try looking for something specific, if you want.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Amalgamated Weasel Company?" he asks.
action: You search the coffer for Raven
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Those are just pictures of animals. They're not food--- oh, wait. You're that wizard's bird. Well, if you want to participate in the auction, I don't mind. It makes sense, I suppose," he says hesitantly. "He's been trying to start his own businesses for a while without much luck, so why not invest in someone else's business instead, and why not send a magical bird to handle the transactions?

"All right, bird, you're welcome to join us. Just wait till this round is over."

"One!" declares F'nyrx.

"Two florins!" declares Sunshine Gristlesplat.

"Four!" declares Elspeth.

"Eight!" bids Percival.

"Sixteen florins!" shouts Professor Demonspoon.

"Who wants to bid thirty-two florins?"
action: You search the coffer for the crow
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Not yet, I've got to finish this auction first."

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You search the coffer for the dog
response: Got it! I hold it up for the auctioneer. "Thanks. I'm not tipping you."

"Next up is Efficient Dog Unlimited," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You wait for a while
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

"...sold!" Hortensia steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer for the hedgehog
response: Got it! Ack! The auctioneer grabs me and takes the certificate. "You have to actually buy the stock, bird." He shrugs. "Well, I guess this one is as good as any other."

"Next up is Future Hedgehog Company," he says. "Any bids?"

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: Bid one florin
response: What do you want to bid the florin on?
action: You wait
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
a florin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You examine florin
response: This is a one-florin coin. A florin is one twentieth of a mark. One florin will not save your bacon. But hey, you could buy me
some bacon.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Reliable Lamb Securities," he says. "Any bids?"
action: Wait
response: All right.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You search the coffer for the fish
response: Hmm. I can't find anything like that in the coffer.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Efficient Beaver Properties," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You ask Mel about the credit
response: Mel checks his ledger. "You've given me enough money and valuables for six spell ingredients."
action: You buy unicorn fur
response: "All right, W.D., here you go." Mel hands me the unicorn fur and makes a note in his ledger.
action: Wait
response: All right.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer for the crocodile
response: Got it! Ack! The auctioneer grabs me and takes the certificate. "You have to actually buy the stock, bird." He shrugs. "Well, I guess this one is as good as any other."

"Next up is Focused Crocodile Company," he says. "Any bids?"

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You search the coffer for the worm
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Not yet, I've got to finish this auction first."

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: Keep going
response: Hmm. I can't find anything like that in the coffer.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Next up is Amalgamated Spider Company," he says. "Any bids?"
action: Bid florin
response: What do you want to bid the florin on?
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
a florin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard

"...sold!" Hortensia steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer for the dolphin
response: Got it! I hold it up for the auctioneer. "Thanks. I'm not tipping you."

"Next up is Majestic Dolphin Properties," he says. "Any bids?"
action: Wait
response: All right.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer for the bee
response: Got it! I hold it up for the auctioneer. "Thanks. I'm not tipping you."

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Majestic Bee Corporation?" he asks.
action: You wait
response: All right.

"...sold!" Hortensia steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You search the coffer for the horse
response: Got it! Ack! The auctioneer grabs me and takes the certificate. "You have to actually buy the stock, bird." He shrugs. "Well, I guess this one is as good as any other."

"Next up is Global Horse Acquisitions," he says. "Any bids?"
action: You search the coffer for the turtle
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Not yet, I've got to finish this auction first."

"...sold!" Hortensia steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You search the coffer for the turtle
response: Got it! Ack! The auctioneer grabs me and takes the certificate. "You have to actually buy the stock, bird." He shrugs. "Well, I guess this one is as good as any other."

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Contemporary Turtle Properties?" he asks.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You search the coffer for the manatee
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Not yet, I've got to finish this auction first."

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You wait
response: All right.

"One!" bids Hortensia.

"Two florins!" declares Professor Demonspoon.

"How about four florins? Do I hear four?"

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You search coffer for the porpoise
response: Got it! I hold it up for the auctioneer. "Thanks. I'm not tipping you."

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Personal Porpoise Company?" he asks.

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You wait
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: You search the coffer for the narwhal
response: Got it! I hold it up for the auctioneer. "Thanks. I'm not tipping you."

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Advanced Narwhal Organization?" he asks.
action: Wait
response: All right.

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You search the coffer for herring
response: The auctioneer shoos me away. "Not yet, I've got to finish this auction first."

"...sold!" Professor Demonspoon steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: Keep going
response: Hmm. I can't find anything like that in the coffer.

The auctioneer fishes around in the coffer, pulls out a stock, and puts it on the auction block.

"Now, who wants to own these fine shares of Unified Mink Organization?" he asks.
action: You keep going
response: All right.

"...sold!" Percival steps up to the block, pays the auctioneer, takes the stock, and sits down again.
action: Wait
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

The merchants are silent.

"Anyone? I'll take just one florin."
action: Bid florin on stock
response: "Sold to the bird!" The auctioneer exchange the florin for the stock certificate.

He looks at me with a combination of confusion and suspicion. "It's market close, everybody. Thanks for buying. We'll meet again in the morning. I'll set up the stock ticker if you want to see what's going on in the other markets, and I'll stick around for a while if you want to engage in any after-hours trading."

The crowd disperses. The auctioneer locks up the coffer and places a stock ticker on the auction block, then takes out a book and sits down to read.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You sell stock
response: (the stock certificate)
There's no place to sell anything here.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a stock certificate
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard
action: You look at the stock
response: (the stock ticker)
The ticker's an upright brass tube. There's a glass bubble on top that's glowing intermittently. The ticker has a red and a yellow button on it, and there's also a panel on the back.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You examine the certificate
response: It's a stock certificate for a thousand shares of Consolidated Herring Securities. Wow, do you think that means it's good for one thousand herring? That's got to be at least five times as many as I could eat in a one sitting. This thing must be worth...hmm, I paid one florin for it, so....I have no idea.
action: You look at the bubble
response: The ticker's an upright brass tube. There's a glass bubble on top that's glowing intermittently. The ticker has a red and a yellow button on it, and there's also a panel on the back.
action: You examine the panel
response: The panel is currently closed.
action: You open the panel
response: Whoa. Whoa. I'm not sure how to....This thing is complicated
on the inside. There's a mass of complex parts inside. I think I can see gears, flanges, gadgets, thingies, and doodads. The only part of it I can make sense of is a series of...wossnames...they're kind of like tubes, but they wind around the gears and twist around to...something....

I'm confused, boss. The best I can do to explain this is that there are a bunch of wossnames connected to a bunch of receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, a brown receptacle containing a brown wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.
action: You examine the green wossname
response: It's a thin green tube that's attached to the green socket.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the green tube to the brown
response: Which do you mean, the brown wossname or the brown receptacle?
action: You connect the green tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.
action: You take the brown tube
response: It's already disconnected, boss.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You connect the brown tube to brown receptacle
response: Connected.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ1234567890-+ /1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19*,./?!
action: You press the yellow button
response: Click!
action: You take the green tube and the brown tube
response: green wossname: Disconnected.
brown wossname: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  IHT E3I  |  QPI D2Y  |  EUL D3U  |  DPL EY   |  AHP DYA  |
action: You wait
response: All right. Boss, I hate to rush you, but at some point the treasurer is going to figure out where the king wandered off to.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP 819  |  KHP 71/3  |  SPI 8X1  |  CSH 8Y/11  |  BPJ 718  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABC ABCHIJKHIJKPQRSPQRSXYZ1XYZ16789678 9/2/3/4/5/2/3/4/5/10/11/12/13/10/11/12/13/18/19*,/18/19*,

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BPJ 718  |  AHP 819  |  KHP 71/3  |  SPI 8X1  |  CSH 8Y/11  |
action: You take the yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CCH 8I7  |  B J 7K8  |  AH  8K9  |  KH  7K/3  |  C I 8HK  |
action: You press red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABC ABCHIJKHIJK ABC ABCHIJKHIJK6789678 9/2/3/4/5/2/3/4/567896789/2/3/4/5/2/3/4/5

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  C I 8HK  |  CCH 8I7  |  B J 7K8  |  AH  8K9  |  KH  7K/3  |
action: You connect the red tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHP /111/3  |  C I /12XK  |  SSX /12Y/11  |  R Z /11K8  |  AH
/12K9  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHD /12O9  |  KHT /115/3  |  GDI /122O  |  SWX /123/15  |  RDZ /11O8  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You press the button
response: Which do you mean, the large red button or the large yellow button?
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABCPQRSHIJKXYZ1DEFGTUVWLMNO23456789/10/11/12 /13/2/3/4/5/18/19*,0-+/1/14/15/16/17/6/7/8/9./?!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  RDZ /11O8  |  AHD /12O9  |  KHT /115/3  |  GDI /122O  |  SWX /123/15  |
action: Go west
response: I can't go that way.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SWX /123/15  |  RDZ /11O8  |  AHD /12O9  |  KHT /115/3  |  GDI /122O  |
action: You show the stock to Mel
response: Mel looks at it. "Sorry, W.D., but I don't accept stock; the price is too variable. But you've already established that you know how to day-trade. Why don't you go see if you can turn it into something more solid?
action: You go to the northeast
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

An auctioneer is here, although he's not auctioneering at the moment.

I can also see a stock ticker, a coffer (which is closed), and an auction block here.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT /115/3  |  GDI /122O  |  SWX /123/15  |  RDZ /11O8  |  AHD /12O9  |
action: You take the orange
response: Which do you mean, the orange wossname or the orange receptacle?
action: You take the orange tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  A D /12G9  |  C T /11W7  |  GDA /12TG  |  SWP /12U/15  |  RDR /11G8 |
action: You take the yellow tube and the red tube
response: yellow wossname: Disconnected.
red wossname: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  B B 7C8  |  A   8C9  |  C   7C7  |  C A 8 C  |  CC  8A7  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CS  8Q/11  |  BPB 7S8  |  A P 8S9  |  C P 7S7  |  SPA 8PS  |
action: You connect red tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPA +TS  |  GWD +U/15  |  FPF -S8  |  A P +S9  |  C T -W7  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABCDEFG ABCDEFGPQRSTUVWPQRSTUVW67890-+ /167890-+/1/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  C T -W7  |  SPA +TS  |  GWD +U/15  |  FPF -S8  |  A P +S9  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, a brown receptacle containing a brown wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an empty orange receptacle, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname. There is also a disconnected orange wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  A P +S9  |  C T -W7  |  SPA +TS  |  GWD +U/15  |  FPF -S8  |
action: You connect the orange tube to the orange receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You disconnect yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GGL +M-  |  F N -K8  |  AH  +K9  |  KHD -O/3  |  C I +LK  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You press red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO67890-+ /1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/967890-+/1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  C I +LK  |  GGL +M-  |  F N -K8  |  AH  +K9  |  KHD -O/3  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   HP +Z8  |  JHT 04/2  |  RPH +2Z  |  FVL +2/14  |  FPN 0Z8  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

BBDDFFHHJJLLNNPPRRTTVVXXZZ2244668800+ +/2/2/4/4/6/6/8/8/10/10/12/12/14/14/16/16/18/18**..??

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FPN 0Z8  |   HP +Z8  |  JHT 04/2  |  RPH +2Z  |  FVL +2/14  |
action: You connect the black tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You take the brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  QPI 02Y  |  EUL 03/15  |  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |  IHT -3/3  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

A ADEDEHIHILMLMPQPQTUTUXYXY232367670-0 -/2/3/2/3/6/7/6/7/10/11/10/11/14/15/14/15/18/19/18/19././

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  IHT -3/3  |  QPI 02Y  |  EUL 03/15  |  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |
action: You connect the brown tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FPN E1B  |  AHP F1C  |  KHT E5I  |  SPI F21  |  GWL F3U  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:



The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL F3U  |  FPN E1B  |  AHP F1C  |  KHT E5I  |  SPI F21  |
action: You connect the green tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ1234567890-+ /1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19*,./?!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |
action: You disconnect all
response: stock ticker: That isn't really connected, boss.
coffer: That isn't really connected, boss.
auction block: That isn't really connected, boss.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CSH 8Y/11  |  BPJ 718  |  AHP 819  |  KHP 71/3  |  SPI 8X1  |
action: You examine the wossname
response: Which do you mean, the black wossname, the brown wossname, the red wossname, the orange wossname, the yellow wossname, or the green wossname?
action: You disconnect black
response: Which do you mean, the black wossname, the black receptacle, or the suit?
action: You disconnect the black wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  RPH 8XZ  |  BRH 8X/10  |  BPJ 6Z8  |   HP 8Z8  |  JHP 6Z/2  |
action: You disconnect the brown wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  HHP 6X/2  |  PPH 6XX  |   PH 6X/10  |   PH 6X6  |   HP 6X6  |
action: You disconnect the red wossname
response: It's already disconnected, boss.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   HP 6X6  |  HHP 6X/2  |  PPH 6XX  |   PH 6X/10  |   PH 6X6  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You disconnect the orange wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   P  6P6  |    P 6P6  |    P 6P6  |  PP  6PP  |   P  6P/10  |
action: You look at the ticker
response: The ticker's an upright brass tube. There's a glass bubble on top that's glowing intermittently. The ticker has a red and a yellow button on it, and there's also a panel on the back.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   P  6P/10  |   P  6P6  |    P 6P6  |    P 6P6  |  PP  6PP  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You look at the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: an empty black receptacle, an empty brown receptacle, an empty red receptacle, an empty orange receptacle, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname. There are also disconnected black, brown, red, and orange wossnames.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  PP  6PP  |   P  6P/10  |   P  6P6  |    P 6P6  |    P 6P6  |
action: You disconnect the yellow wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|      6 6  |      6    |      6 6  |      6 6  |      6 6  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect red wossname to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|      0 6  |    D 0D6  |      0D   |  DDD 0D0  |  D D 0 6  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You disconnect the red wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|      6 6  |      6 6  |      6 6  |      6    |      6 6  |
action: You connect the red wossname to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BBB 8B8  |  B B 8 6  |      8 6  |    B 8B6  |      8B   |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You press the red
response: Which do you mean, the large red button, the red wossname, or the red receptacle?
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:



The stock ticker tape advances:
|      8B   |  BBB 8B8  |  B B 8 6  |      8 6  |    B 8B6  |
action: You press the yellow button
response: Click!
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: an empty black receptacle, a brown receptacle containing a red wossname, an empty red receptacle, an empty orange receptacle, an empty yellow receptacle, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname. There are also disconnected black, brown, orange, and yellow wossnames.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You take red tube
response: Disconnected.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You take the red tube
response: It's already disconnected, boss.
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.
action: You connect the black tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:



A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:



Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:



A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the yellow to the yellow receptacle
response: Which do you mean, the large yellow button, the yellow wossname, or the yellow receptacle?
action: You connect green tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You wait awhile
response: All right.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |
action: Wait
response: All right.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |
action: Wait
response: All right.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |
action: You examine the stock
response: (the stock ticker)
The ticker's an upright brass tube. There's a glass bubble on top that's glowing intermittently. The ticker has a red and a yellow button on it, and there's also a panel on the back.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a stock certificate
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a mediocre wizard

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |
action: You look at the stock certificate
response: It's a stock certificate for a thousand shares of Consolidated Herring Securities. Wow, do you think that means it's good for one thousand herring? That's got to be at least five times as many as I could eat in a one sitting. This thing must be worth...hmm, I paid one florin for it, so....I have no idea.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You take the brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  QPI 02Y  |  EUL 03/15  |  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |  IHT -3/3  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  IHP 7Y/3  |  QPI 6XY  |  AQH 6Y/11  |   PH 7Y6  |  AHP 6Y7  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You take the orange tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  A P 6Q7  |  A P 7Q7  |  QPA 6PQ  |  AQ  6Q/11  |   P  7Q6  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|      7A6  |  A   6A7  |  A   7A7  |  A A 6 A  |  AA  6A7  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AA   AA  |      AA   |  A    AA  |  A   AAA  |  A A   A  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, an empty brown receptacle, an empty red receptacle, an empty orange receptacle, an empty yellow receptacle, and an empty green receptacle. There are also disconnected brown, red, orange, yellow, and green wossnames.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  A A   A  |  AA   AA  |      AA   |  A    AA  |  A   AAA  |
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|           |           |           |           |           |
action: You connect the yellow tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|    P  P   |    P  P   |  PP   PP  |   P   PP  |   P   P   |
action: You connect the orange tube to the orange receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   PH  X   |   HP  X   |  HHP  XH  |  PPH  XX  |   PH  XP  |
action: You connect the red tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  DTL D2T  |  DPL DX   |   HP DX   |  HHT D2H  |  PPH D2X  |
action: You connect the green tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  PPH 02X  |  DTL 02/14  |  DPL 0X6  |   HP 0X6  |  HHT 02/2  |
action: You connect the brown tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  JHT 04/2  |  RPH +2Z  |  FVL +2/14  |  FPN 0Z8  |   HP +Z8  |
action: You connect black tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP +19  |  KHT -5/3  |  SPI +21  |  GWL +3/15  |  FPN -18  |
action: You take brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |  IHT -3/3  |  QPI 02Y  |  EUL 03/15  |
action: Examine
response: What do you want to examine?
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, an empty brown receptacle, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname. There is also a disconnected brown wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EUL 03/15  |  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |  IHT -3/3  |  QPI 02Y  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  PPH 02X  |  DTL 02/14  |  DPL 0X6  |   HP 0X6  |  HHT 02/2  |
action: You connect the black tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  JHT +4/4  |  RPJ 02Z  |  FVL 04/16  |  DPL +Z6  |  BHP 0Z8  |
action: You connect the brown tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

BACDFEGHJIKLNMOPRQSTVUWXZY1243568790+- /1/2/4/3/5/6/8/7/9/10/12/11/13/14/16/15/17/18*/19,.?/!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |
action: You take the brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FVL 04/16  |  DPL +Z6  |  BHP 0Z8  |  JHT +4/4  |  RPJ 02Z  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  RPJ 6XZ  |  BRH 6Z/12  |   PH 8Z6  |  BHP 6Z8  |  JHP 8Z/4  |
action: You connect the red tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  JHQ 91/4  |  RPJ 7YZ  |  CSI 71/13  |  API 9Z6  |  BHP 7Z8  |
action: You connect the brown tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BHP -4+  |  NHQ 95/4  |  VPJ -Y4  |  GWI -1/13  |  EPM 940  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a red wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, a red receptacle containing a brown wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EPM 940  |  BHP -4+  |  NHQ 95/4  |  VPJ -Y4  |  GWI -1/13  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You take red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FVH 0Z/12  |  DPL 840  |  BHP 04+  |  NHP 84/4  |  VPJ 0X4  |
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  TPH 0X2  |  DTH 0X/10  |  DPL 620  |   HP 020  |  LHP 62/2  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect black tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  MHP 73/3  |  UPI 0X3  |  EUH 0Y/11  |  DPL 730  |  AHP 03-  |
action: You connect the red tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP +3-  |  MHR 95/3  |  UPI +Z3  |  GWJ +1/13  |  FPN 930  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You connect the brown tube to the red receptacle
response: I'll have to empty it first.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  FPN 930  |  AHP +3-  |  MHR 95/3  |  UPI +Z3  |  GWJ +1/13  |

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EUH 0Y/11  |  DPL 730  |  AHP 03-  |  MHP 73/3  |  UPI 0X3  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the brown tube to the red receptacle
response: I'll have to empty it first.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  UPI 0X3  |  EUH 0Y/11  |  DPL 730  |  AHP 03-  |  MHP 73/3  |
action: You connect the red tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  MHR 95/3  |  UPI +Z3  |  GWJ +1/13  |  FPN 930  |  AHP +3-  |
action: You look at the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, a brown receptacle containing a red wossname, a red receptacle containing a brown wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHP +3-  |  MHR 95/3  |  UPI +Z3  |  GWJ +1/13  |  FPN 930  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  DPL 730  |  AHP 03-  |  MHP 73/3  |  UPI 0X3  |  EUH 0Y/11  |
action: You take the brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AQH 6Y/11  |   PH 7Y6  |  AHP 6Y7  |  IHP 7Y/3  |  QPI 6XY  |
action: You connect the red tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  QPI 02Y  |  EUL 03/15  |  DPL -Y6  |  AHP 0Y7  |  IHT -3/3  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AH  +K9  |  KHD -O/3  |  C I +LK  |  GGL +M-  |  F N -K8  |
action: You take the orange tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  F F -C8  |  A   +C9  |  C D -G7  |  C A +DC  |  GGD +E-  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to the orange receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GOD +M/7  |  FHF -K8  |  A H +K9  |  C L -O7  |  KHA +LK  |

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You connect orange tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHQ +21  |  GOT +3/7  |  FHV -18  |  APH +19  |  SPL -5/11  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a black wossname, a brown receptacle containing a brown wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing a yellow wossname, a yellow receptacle containing an orange wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPL -5/11  |  KHQ +21  |  GOT +3/7  |  FHV -18  |  APH +19  |
action: You take the black
response: Which do you mean, the black wossname, the black receptacle, or the suit?
action: You take the black tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   PH +Z8  |  RPL 04/10  |  JHP +2Z  |  FNT +2/6  |  FHV 0Z8  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take brown tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  DHT 0X6  |   PH 0X6  |  PPL 02/10  |  HHP 02X  |  DLT 02/6  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You connect the brown tube to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EMT -2/6  |  EHU 0Y7  |   PH -Y7  |  QPL 03/10  |  IHP -2Y  |
action: You connect the black tube to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHR -21  |  GOT -4/8  |  EHU +17  |  BPH -19  |  SPL +5/12  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPH 81/12  |  KHR 7X1  |  CKP 7Z/4  |  AHQ 817  |  BPH 719  |
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BPH A1C  |  SPH B1R  |  KHR AX1  |  CKP AZJ  |  AHQ B1A  |
action: You connect the red tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  7H/11 81A  |  BPH 71C  |  SP/2 8,R  |  KHR 7/181  |  9/5/10 7*/4  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the green tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  9/5/10 -*/8  |  7H/11 +1E  |  BPH -1G  |  SP/2 +,V  |  KHR -/181  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CKP AZJ  |  AHQ B1A  |  BPH A1C  |  SPH B1R  |  KHR AX1  |
action: You connect the green tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHR 7X1  |  CKP 7Z/4  |  AHQ 817  |  BPH 719  |  SPH 81/12  |
action: You connect the red tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPL +5/12  |  KHR -21  |  GOT -4/8  |  EHU +17  |  BPH -19  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a brown wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing a yellow wossname, a yellow receptacle containing an orange wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BPH -19  |  SPL +5/12  |  KHR -21  |  GOT -4/8  |  EHU +17  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  AHQ 817  |  BPH 719  |  SPH 81/12  |  KHR 7X1  |  CKP 7Z/4  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You take the orange tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CK  7J/4  |  AHA 8K7  |  B H 7K9  |  C H 8K8  |  KHB 7HK  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the orange tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHF 7LO  |  CKD 7N/4  |  AHE 8O7  |  BDH 7O9  |  GDH 8O+  |
action: You take the yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GD  8G+  |  C F 7DG  |  CCD 7F8  |  A E 8G7  |  BD  7G9  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the yellow tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  IPM /4W7  |  BDP /3W9  |  GDX /45+  |  SPF /32W  |  K1L /34*  |
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  I M JGA  |  BD  IGC  |  GDH JOF  |  C F ILG  |  KKL INJ  |
action: You connect the green tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KKL YNZ  |  I M ZGQ  |  BD  YGS  |  GDH ZOV  |  C F YLG  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  96F Y/6/1  |  K/5L Y/8*  |  I6M Z/1Q  |  BD6 Y/1S  |  GD/2 Z/9V  |
action: You take yellow tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GDH ZOV  |  C F YLG  |  KKL YNZ  |  I M ZGQ  |  BD  YGS  |
action: You take the green tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BD  IGC  |  GDH JOF  |  C F ILG  |  KKL INJ  |  I M JGA  |

One of the cows shifts around uncomfortably.
action: You connect the green tube to the green receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  I M /4G7  |  BD  /3G9  |  GDH /4O+  |  C F /3LG  |  KKL /3N/4  |
action: You connect the yellow tube to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  K1L /34*  |  IPM /4W7  |  BDP /3W9  |  GDX /45+  |  SPF /32W  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a brown wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, a red receptacle containing an orange wossname, an orange receptacle containing a red wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPF /32W  |  K1L /34*  |  IPM /4W7  |  BDP /3W9  |  GDX /45+  |
action: You take the red tube
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GDP 8W+  |  SPF 7TW  |  CSD 7V/12  |  APE 8W7  |  BDP 7W9  |

A depressed horse mutters something about glue.
action: You connect the red tube to the red receptacle
response: I'll have to empty it first.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BDP 7W9  |  GDP 8W+  |  SPF 7TW  |  CSD 7V/12  |  APE 8W7  |

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You connect orange tube to the orange receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  API 817  |  BHP 719  |  KHP 81/4  |  SPJ 7X1  |  CSH 7Z/12  |
action: You examine the panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a brown wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, an empty red receptacle, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname. There is also a disconnected red wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CSH 7Z/12  |  API 817  |  BHP 719  |  KHP 81/4  |  SPJ 7X1  |
action: You connect the red tube to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |
action: Nfspecfic3
response: [Ok.]
> RESTORE
%% Enter a save filename to read:
action: You disconnect the black wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  IHT 03/2  |  QPH -2Y  |  EUL -2/14  |  EPM 0Y7  |   HP -Y7  |
action: You disconnect the brown wossname
response: Disconnected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|   HP 0X6  |  HHT 02/2  |  PPH 02X  |  DTL 02/14  |  DPL 0X6  |

A small group of cows crowds together, their eyes darting around.
action: You connect the brown wossname to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EPM 0Y7  |   HP -Y7  |  IHT 03/2  |  QPH -2Y  |  EUL -2/14  |
action: You connect the black wossname to the brown receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |
action: You press the red
response: Which do you mean, the large red button, the red wossname, or the red receptacle?
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

BACDFEGHJIKLNMOPRQSTVUWXZY1243568790+- /1/2/4/3/5/6/8/7/9/10/12/11/13/14/16/15/17/18*/19,.?/!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |
action: Examine box
response: It's a closed strongbox.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |
action: You look around
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

An auctioneer is here, although he's not auctioneering at the moment.

I can also see a stock ticker, a coffer (which is closed), and an auction block here.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |

Two pigs huddle together, shivering nervously.
action: You look at panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a brown wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |
action: You look
response: This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just looking at their pen. From here, I can go south to the bank or southwest to Big Street.

An auctioneer is here, although he's not auctioneering at the moment.

I can also see a stock ticker, a coffer (which is closed), and an auction block here.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |
action: You examine the ticker
response: The ticker's an upright brass tube. There's a glass bubble on top that's glowing intermittently. The ticker has a red and a yellow button on it, and there's also a panel on the back.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |
action: You look at panel
response: Inside the panel is an array of wossnames and receptacles: a black receptacle containing a brown wossname, a brown receptacle containing a black wossname, a red receptacle containing a red wossname, an orange receptacle containing an orange wossname, a yellow receptacle containing a yellow wossname, and a green receptacle containing a green wossname.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |
action: You press the red
response: Which do you mean, the large red button, the red wossname, or the red receptacle?
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

BACDFEGHJIKLNMOPRQSTVUWXZY1243568790+- /1/2/4/3/5/6/8/7/9/10/12/11/13/14/16/15/17/18*/19,.?/!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |
action: You ask the auctioneer about the ticker
response: "Quork quork quork!"

"What's that, my friend? You want to buy some stock? Well, any person or bird with money is welcome to join my auction."

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |
action: You ask the auctioneer abouthe day-trdaing
response: "Quork quork quork?"

"What's that, my friend? You want to buy some stock? Well, any person or bird with money is welcome to join my auction."

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |
action: You ask the auctioneer abouthe day-trading
response: "Awk awk caw?"

"What's that, my friend? You want to buy some stock? Well, any person or bird with money is welcome to join my auction."

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |  KHT +5/4  |
action: You press the red button
response: Click! The stock ticker churns and spews out a section of tape:

BACDFEGHJIKLNMOPRQSTVUWXZY1243568790+- /1/2/4/3/5/6/8/7/9/10/12/11/13/14/16/15/17/18*/19,.?/!

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  KHT +5/4  |  SPJ -21  |  GWL -4/16  |  EPM +17  |  BHP -19  |
action: You connect the orange wossname to the yellow receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|    P 6P6  |    P 6P6  |   P  6P6  |  PP  6P/10  |    P 6PP  |
action: You connect the yellow wossname to the orange receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  HHP 6XX  |   HP 6X/2  |   HP 6X6  |   PH 6X6  |  PPH 6X/10  |
action: You connect the black wossname to the red receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  TPH 02/14  |  LHT 6X2  |  DLP 62/6  |   HP 026  |  DPH 620  |
action: You connect the brown wossname to the black receptacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  DPH 73-  |  UPH 03/14  |  MHT 7X3  |  EMP 72/6  |  AHQ 037  |
action: You connect red wossnamethe brown receptacleacle
response: Connected.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  CHS +37  |  DPH 93-  |  UPJ +5/14  |  MHT 9Z3  |  GOR 94/8  |
action: You give the certificate to auctioneer
response: "Well, let's see how your stock is doing,", says the auctioneer, picking up the ticker tape. "Wow, your stock has gone up considerably. Herring's been down for months; I guess it was time. I suppose the Fish Festival in Aderbean is going to be big this year. Well, I don't have enough cash on me to cover you, obviously, so this sovereign bond will have to do. Here you go." He hands it to me.

The stock ticker tape advances:
|  GOR 94/8  |  CHS +37  |  DPH 93-  |  UPJ +5/14  |  MHT 9Z3  |
action: You show bond to Mel
response: "Look, Mel! You can own one three thousand one hundred eighty-fifth of the country!"

"Which entitles me to one three thousand one hundred eighty-fifth of the treasury?"

"Yeah, exac--- no, no. I know why you're giving me that look. But think about it. If we keep the boss from getting killed, no one will ever know how much is in the treasury. Who cares what's
really there? Everybody in the kingdom believes that bond is worth mega moolah."

"...Fair enough." Mel takes out a ledger from underneath the counter and carefully makes a note in it. "All right, that's certainly worth another ingredient."
action: Inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You buy the ingredients
response: Which do you mean, the Midas potion, the unicorn fur, the sapphire whiskey, the phoenix kidney, the ivory runestone, the daffodil blood, the refined starmetal, or the wizard ash?
action: You buy all the ingredients
response: Midas potion: "Mel, can I have the ingredients for the Midas potion?"

"Sure, if you give me the money for them."
unicorn fur: "Okay, W.D. Be careful. That's the only one I have in stock." Mel hands me the unicorn fur and makes a note in his ledger. sapphire whiskey: "Okay, W.D. Be careful. That's the only one I have in stock." Mel hands me the sapphire whiskey and makes a note in his ledger.
phoenix kidney: "Okay, W.D. Be careful. That's the only one I have in stock." Mel hands me the phoenix kidney and makes a note in his ledger.
ivory runestone: "Here you go, W.D. Good luck." Mel hands me the ivory runestone and makes a note in his ledger.
daffodil blood: "Okay, W.D. Be careful. That's the only one I have in stock." Mel hands me the daffodil blood and makes a note in his ledger.
refined starmetal: "Here you go, W.D. Good luck." Mel hands me the refined starmetal and makes a note in his ledger.
wizard ash: "All right, W.D., here you go." Mel hands me the wizard ash and makes a note in his ledger.
action: Go down
response: This is Mel's spooooooky secret laboratory. I say "spooky" because it's lit bit a series of multicolored, floating orbs. Apart from the glowing elf balls, though, it's a relatively normal stone cellar. I can go up if you want to return to the shop proper.

There's a big pot on the floor and a sign on the wall.
action: You read the sign
response: Save your notes! You do not like remaking potions from scratch.
--Mel
action: You examine the pot
response: I'm sure it's technically an "alchemical cauldron apparatus," but I will be referring to it as a "pot." The pot is filled with some kind of thick liquid, and there's a sigil embossed on its side.
action: You examine the sigil
response: PUT UNICORN FUR, SAPPHIRE WHISKEY, IVORY RUNESTONE, REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH IN POT

What do you want to put those things in?

It's some sort of intricate design. It means nothing to me, and it's way too complicated for me to describe to you. It looks impressively mystical and eldritch, though.
action: You put the UNICORN FUR and the SAPPHIRE WHISKEY and the IVORY RUNESTONE and the refined starmetal and the WIZARD ASH in POT
response: PUT UNICORN FUR AND SAPPHIRE WHISKEY AND IVORY RUNESTONE AND REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH IN POT

What do you want to put those things in?
action: You put the UNICORN FUR and the SAPPHIRE WHISKEY and the IVORY RUNESTONE and the refined starmetal and WIZARD ASH into the POT
response: PUT UNICORN FUR AND SAPPHIRE WHISKEY AND IVORY RUNESTONE AND REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH INTO POT

What do you want to put those things in?
action: POT
response: What do you want to put those things in?
action: You put the WIZARD ASH in the POT
response: PUT UNICORN FUR IN POT. PUT SAPPHIRE WHISEY IN POT. PUT IVORY RUNESTONE IN POT. PUT REFINED STARMETAL IN POT. PUT WIZARD

The unicorn fur disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.

The sigil on the side of the pot begins glowing with a soft blue light.
I didn't understand that sentence.
action: You put the WIZARD ASH in POT
response: PUT SAPPHIRE WHISKEY IN POT. PUT IVORY RUNESTONE IN POT. PUT REFINED STARMETAL IN POT. PUT WIZARD ASH IN POT

The sapphire whiskey disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
I can't see any such thing.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
some wizard ash
some refined starmetal
some daffodil blood
an ivory runestone
a phoenix kidney
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a foolish wizard
action: You put IVORY RUNESTONE in POT
response: The ivory runestone disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
action: You put the refined starmetal in the POT
response: The refined starmetal disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
action: You put the WIZARD ASH in the POT
response: The wizard ash disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
action: You press sigil
response: As soon as I touch the sigil, all the glowing orbs stop moving. Uh oh. Has time frozen? No, I can still move. Now the orbs are growing smaller, and--- whoa! The orbs streak towards the pot and collide with the surface of the liquid with a giant poof of smoke!

Now I'm somehow holding a vial. Wow. that was crazy.

We've done it, boss! Now all I need to do is get this back to you, so that you can restock the treasury and, more importantly, get out of my head.
action: You pour the vial on the spell book
response: Boss? I have put up with a lot today. I wandered all around town following someone's love notes. I burned down a barn. I played Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Me-Up with some random guy in order to get him arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I robbed a bank. I had to spend a good ten minutes with the world's stupidest hedgehog
singing at me just so you could rob a blind guy. I let you
stick me in a cage just so you could make fake money. I had to learn how to play your incomprehensible stock market. There is no way I am letting you do anything with this potion until we get into
the treasury.
action: You look at the vial
response: Yeaugh! I'm sure there's a potion in there, but all I get is some shifting colors and an overwhelming smell of blue cheese.
action: You show vial to Mel
response: Like I said, boss, let's get back to your body first.
action: Up
response: All right. Nearly back at the room with your body. Now you can get out of my head and take this potion, and I can have a nice meal with my girlfriend. Here you g---

No. No no nononnononononono! You're not here. Your body isn't here. Also the door is open. The treasurer must have found the king. We've got to get to the treasury--- oh man--- I hope they haven't killed you yet.

Okay, okay, it's not over yet. I can see you. You're not dead. The king and the treasurer and some guards and some you are all here. Okay, okay. We can still work this out. We just have to get up to the treasury before they do.

We're at the bottom of the elevator leading up the tower to the vault. The lift itself is a giant stone disk operated by a magic key.

I can see your comatose body, a treasurer, some guards, and a king here.

The treasurer fumbles with his key ring and holds up a bright blue key. "Alakazam!" he incants. Nothing happens.
action: You pour the vial on the spell book
response: I don't think this will do anything, but okay. Done. Now the spell book is wet.

The treasures holds up the key again. "Alakazoo!" he incants. Nothing happens.

"It's 'Alakazar'," says the king.

"I was getting there!" shouts the treasurer. "Alakazar!" he cries triumphantly. The stone lift hums and starts moving upwards.
action: You wait for a while
response: All right.

The treasures holds up the key again. "Alakazoo!" he incants. Nothing happens.

"It's 'Alakazar'," says the king.

"I was getting there!" shouts the treasurer. "Alakazar!" he cries triumphantly. The stone lift hums and starts moving upwards.
action: Wait
response: Hey, boss! Death is imminent!

"I've always wanted to see the treasury," says one of the guards. "This is so exciting."

"The treasury is empty!" yells the treasurer. "This is a
travesty."

"I've always wanted to see the treasury," repeats the guard. "This is such an exciting travesty."

The lift rises steadily.
action: Wait
response: All right.

The king sneezes.

The lift rises steadily.
action: You wait
response: Hey, boss! Death is imminent!

One of the guards rifles through your pockets.

The lift rises steadily.
action: Wait
response: All right.

The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
action: You wait
response: All right.

The treasurer leads the way east towards the vault. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
action: Wait
response: Hey, boss! Death is imminent!
action: Wait
response: Hey, boss! Death is imminent!

Boss, please stop dawdl--- what the....I think that was your body sailing past us. Hmm, yeah, that's definitely a smashed you down there. Good job.
action: You check your inventory
response: In my bag of holding, I have:
an iridescent potion
some daffodil blood
a phoenix kidney
a fish
a vellum page
a faery coin
some farming tools
a fishing rod
a bottle of clear fluid
a torn page
a spell book
a magic wand
the mind of a desperate wizard

The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
action: You pour the vial on Fish
response: I don't think this will do anything, but okay. Done. Now the fish is wet.

The treasurer leads the way east towards the vault. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
action: Up
response: We're already at the top of the tower; the vault is to the east.
action: Go east
response: This is the top of the treasure house tower. Notable features include the vault, to the north, and the bottom of the tower, to the, um, downward.
action: You go north
response: This room is supposed to be filled with treasure. Failing that, it's supposed to be filled with the illusion of treasure. But it's broken. If I tilt my head one way, the illusion's still there: a giant pile of gold and jewelry. If I tilt my head the other way, all I see is a pile of logs. It's making me dizzy. The exit from the vault is to the south.

I can see your comatose body, a treasurer, some guards, a king, and a pile of logs here.

The king sighs. "Just get rid of him. I don't care what you do." He sits on a log and puts his head in his hands.

Oh, man, we're such jerks.

The guards chop off your head and toss your body down the tower.
action: Go north
response: I can't go that way.

One of the guards rifles through your pockets.

The lift rises steadily.
action: Up
response: We're already at the top of the tower; the vault is to the east.

The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
action: You go east
response: This is the top of the treasure house tower. Notable features include the vault, to the north, and the bottom of the tower, to the, um, downward.

The treasurer leads the king and his retinue here from the west. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
action: You go north
response: This room is supposed to be filled with treasure. Failing that, it's supposed to be filled with the illusion of treasure. But it's broken. If I tilt my head one way, the illusion's still there: a giant pile of gold and jewelry. If I tilt my head the other way, all I see is a pile of logs. It's making me dizzy. The exit from the vault is to the south.

I can see a pile of logs here.

Uh oh. They're here.
action: You pour the vial on the logs
response: Okay. Here goes. I fly out of hiding and splash the potion around the room.

The room explodes. This is not quite what I expected. There's a crazy shower of birds everywhere. The pile of logs has become a swarm of...of goldfinches. Oops.

I'm trying to get back in my hiding place, but there's too much chaos. The birds are going wild. They're all screaming at each other to get out of each other's way. The humans are throwing their hands up to protect their heads from the aerial assault. The guards drop you on the floor. I've got to try to get out of here before I--- oh, thank the meat gods, are you finally going back into your own head? Good luck, boss; good time to try running.

I swear it happened exactly like that, babe. Goldfinches everywhere. Would I make something like that up? Well, then why do you think there are so many more birds around here lately?

The king and the treasurer? Well, they probably got pooped on a lot. You know how it is. The boss and I got out of the room as soon as possible. He ran off to a closet where he had some Anywhere-But-Here Dust stashed, and he poofed away. I have no idea where he went; I hope it was to some kingdom with with dumber treasurers.

Anyway, as far as I know, he's gone for good. That means I'm yours for the foreseeable future, love. Want to go get some food? I've worked up a heck of an appetite saving the boss and all. Let's eat somewhere quiet; I'm going to go crazy if I hear one more finch asking where to get the good seeds.
action: You put all the ingredients in the POT
response: wizard ash: The wizard ash disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.

The sigil on the side of the pot begins glowing with a soft blue light.
refined starmetal: The refined starmetal disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
daffodil blood: The daffodil blood disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
ivory runestone: The ivory runestone disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
phoenix kidney: The phoenix kidney disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
sapphire whiskey: The sapphire whiskey disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
unicorn fur: The unicorn fur disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
action: You pour the vial on King
response: Whoa. Harsh, boss, but okay: one solid-gold king, coming up. I hope you have plans for an exciting chess set.

Sploosh. Wow, he looks offended that I threw the potion at
him. I wouldn't want to be frozen with that face for all eternity.

Hey, boss, the treasurer looks even angrier, and the guards are still--- Oh, you seem to be leaving my head. Good luck with that. I'm out of here.
action: You pour the vial on Treasurer
response: Ooh, I like the way you think. I leave my perch and, like a streak of black lightning, I strike! The fat guy is still complaining about what a horrid little toad of a thief you are as I pour the potion on him. His lips continue whining even as the top of his head turns to gold. Well, that was--- oh, you seem to be leaving my mind finally. Good riddance.

Yeah, babe, it all happened just like that. After the treasurer got turned into a statue, the boss managed to convince the king that the new gold treasurer was far more valuable than the old one, and, you know, nobody really liked the old treasurer anyway.

The boss? Well, the boss decided he should probably skip town even though he wasn't in immediate danger of losing his legs, arms, eyeballs, or liver. Eventually the king's going to think about the moral implications of restocking the treasury with the
treasurer. I don't know where the boss has gone and I really don't want to know. But he gave me my freedom for my help, and...one other thing. He did one last enchantment before he left, and this one seems to actually work.

So, the bag of Marginal Holding? Well, he made it a little less and a little more useful. Now it only holds eyeballs. But there's always one more in the bag. Infinite Eyeballs--- more than we could ever possibly eat.

Could I interest you in a little snack, my love?
action: You pour the vial on the WIZARD
response: (your comatose body)
HHAHAHHAA. Yes, sir! One wizard-to-gold potion, coming right up. Gloop. Gooey stuff, man.

Hahahahaha. Oh, man, I don't know why he wanted to kill himself, but the sight of his smug face turning to solid gold will keep me happy for yea---

Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be out of my head? Shouldn't you be dead? Shouldn't--- oh, oh god. Oh god. Why? Why--- now there is no body for you to get back to. Why would you do that to me? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
action: You pour the vial on yourself
response: HHAHAHHAA. Yes, sir! One wizard-to-gold potion, coming right up. Gloop. Gooey stuff, man.

Hahahahaha. Oh, man, I don't know why he wanted to kill himself, but the sight of his smug face turning to solid gold will keep me happy for yea---

Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be out of my head? Shouldn't you be dead? Shouldn't--- oh, oh god. Oh god. Why? Why--- now there is no body for you to get back to. Why would you do that to me? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
action: You pour the vial on you
response: Absolutely not. Look, boss, I've done a lot for you today. I wandered all around town following someone's love notes. I burned down a barn. I played Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Me-Up with some random guy in order to get him arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I robbed a bank. I had to spend a good ten minutes with the world's stupidest hedgehog singing at me just so you could rob a blind guy. I
let you stick me in a cage just so you could make fake money. I had to learn how to play your incomprehensible stock market. And I was happy to do so; all things considered, you're not the worst possible master for a bird to have. But if you think I'm going to spend eternity as a golden raven statuette just so you can skip the consequences of your embezzlement, I should have let the executioner chop your head off hours ago.

The treasures holds up the key again. "Alakazoo!" he incants. Nothing happens.

"It's 'Alakazar'," says the king.

"I was getting there!" shouts the treasurer. "Alakazar!" he cries triumphantly. The stone lift hums and starts moving upwards.
action: Drink vial
response: Absolutely not. Look, boss, I've done a lot for you today. I wandered all around town following someone's love notes. I burned down a barn. I played Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Me-Up with some random guy in order to get him arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I robbed a bank. I had to spend a good ten minutes with the world's stupidest hedgehog singing at me just so you could rob a blind guy. I
let you stick me in a cage just so you could make fake money. I had to learn how to play your incomprehensible stock market. And I was happy to do so; all things considered, you're not the worst possible master for a bird to have. But if you think I'm going to spend eternity as a golden raven statuette just so you can skip the consequences of your embezzlement, I should have let the executioner chop your head off hours ago.

The king sneezes.

The lift rises steadily.
action: You pour the vial on the lift
response: I don't think this will do anything, but okay. Done. Now the magic lift is wet.

"I've always wanted to see the treasury," says one of the guards. "This is so exciting."

"The treasury is empty!" yells the treasurer. "This is a
travesty."

"I've always wanted to see the treasury," repeats the guard. "This is such an exciting travesty."

The lift rises steadily.
action: You pour the vial on the guards
response: I never liked those guys anyway. I fly out of my hiding space and splash both of the guards. They look briefly stunned but transform before they can do anything to me in retaliation. They don't release their grip on your body, though, so you're now squished between two beefy gold statues. That looks uncomfortable.

The treasurer starts screaming bloody murder about how you're a bloody murderer, and the king looks like he's trying to figure out where the guards went. Now the--- oh, thank the Meat Gods, are you finally leaving my head? Toodles.

No, babe, I swear it's all true. We goldificated both of the guards, but the boss was trapped between them. The treasurer wouldn't stop screaming about the guards. The boss wouldn't stop screaming about how he'd gotten the treasure back, and what more did they want? I thought the treasurer was going to strangle the chief himself, but the king said he had to get more guards, and they both left. The boss mostly managed to work his way free, but one of his fingers ended up wedged between the two statues. It was crazy. We could hear the treasurer coming back with a whole pile of guards, and the boss kept pulling at his hand, and...

Well, of course you see where this is going. I heroically saved the day once again, and the boss (or, well, most of him) fled to where had some Anywhere-But-Here Dust stashed. I'm sure he's fine wherever he is.

So, anyway, I think I'm free for the foreseeable future, love. Want a snack? I saved you half a finger.