Taco Fiction
by Ryan Veeder (2011)
Genres: Crime
Humor

A story about crime.

action: %
response: Are you sure you want to quit? 

Start the story - from the beginning    : (SPACE)
- from a saved position : R
Quit                                    : Q
You shouldn't be sitting in the driver's seat. You should be getting out on the passenger side, and there should be someone else sitting at the wheel, key in the ignition, keeping an eye out.

And that's probably how this would be going down, if you had any friends left.

Yes. Take a minute to reflect on the choices you've made.
action: Wait
response: No. Don't do that. You need to be prepared mentally. You need to be one hundred percent involved in what you are about to do. You and yourself are all you need to come out of this smelling like a rose.

You, yourself, and maybe that sweet little slab of steel in your pocket, that two-and-a-half-pound insurance policy, that cold, hard...
action: Inventory
response: Do not waste time being poetic about your gun. Get out of the car.
action: You look at the gun
response: No. Hold on a second. Don't rush into this.
action: You go east
response: Wait, no. Sit still and figure out when and how you should get out of the car. You have all the time you need.
action: You open the door
response: Well, do something.
action: About you
response: Not so hot, lately.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
$5.87, mostly in change
your keychain
a gun
action: You look at the gun
response: Small enough to be carried inconspicuously in your pocket, but big enough to scare anybody it's pointed at, this is a kind of gun with a specific name--a brand name, like cars have. It also has a "caliber," which is a number that refers to what kind of bullets you can put in it, but you can't remember that either.

The important details are easy enough: You point it like this, you put your index finger in here, and when you squeeze the trigger it goes boom, assuming the gun is loaded. One other important thing to keep in mind is that the gun is not loaded.
action: You look at keychain
response: A tiny, lonely trio: This one is the key to your car; this one is the key to your apartment, and this one used to be the key to someone else's apartment, before that someone changed the locks.
action: You look under the seat
response: Hey, a quarter!

[Your funds have increased by 25¢.]
action: You open the glove compartment
response: Oh, hey! A bag of M&M's!
action: You look at the backseat
response: Craning your head, you see a pair of sunglasses and an umbrella.
action: You get the sunglasses
response: Taken.
action: You wear the sunglasses
response: You put on the pair of sunglasses.
action: You get all
response: umbrella: Taken.
action: You examine the umbrella
response: Even though it's got a classy-looking hooked handle and a brass point at the other end, this umbrella is a piece of junk. The spring fell out or something, and it doesn't open anymore, and it really belongs in the trash, but you paid too much for it to just throw it away now.
action: You examine cans
response: Contemplating the cans gives you another idea for solving your monetary woes. What's twelve hundred dollars divided by five cents?

Or should that be times five cents?
action: About you
response: Not so hot, lately.
action: You wear the sunglasses
response: You're already wearing that.
action: Xyzzy
response: Hi, ClubFloyd!

Sorry I couldn't be here to play with you guys today. I just found out that today, right now, is when my church is putting up decorations for Christmas, and this I cannot miss out on!

I hope you are enjoying Taco Fiction and I look forward to reading the transcript whenever it goes up.

Love,
Ryan V
action: Plugh
response: never once in my life have i heard of someone trying "plugh" outside of a clubfloyd transcript
action: Go outside
response: La Pizzá Parking Lot
As you exit the car, the humidity slaps you in the face.

This parking lot is reserved solely for La Pizzá customers, as the sign over there clearly states. La Pizzá is across the street west of here, but of course by this time of night it's locked up tight. Paco's Tacos, on the other hand, is open late, and it's a hole in the ground with zero security.

A low-slung iron chain separates this section of the lot from the one reserved for patrons of Paco's, which is further east.

Your piece of junk Ford Focus is parked here.
action: You open the trunk
response: Oh, no. The only thing in there is a baby stroller. Someone else's baby stroller. It's a long story.

You've been meaning to give it back.
action: You examine the car
response: 1998. Blue. Sometimes you wish someone would steal it.
action: You examine the chain
response: A single chain is attached to two metal posts, splitting the parking lot in half. Around the middle, the chain is only a few inches off the ground, and people probably trip on it all the time.
action: You go east
response: The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.

This side of the lot has its own informative sign.

A bleary-eyed guy unfamiliar to you is walking this way from across the alley. Well, he's trying to walk, anyway.
action: You look at the sign
response: VIOLATOR'S WILL BE TOWED AT OWNERS EXPENSE.
action: You talk to the guy
response: The guy grins as you approach and spreads his arms wide, blocking your way. "Hey, friend! What do you need, do you need anything?"

[1] "Were you just at Paco's Tacos?"
[2] "Lovely weather we're having."
[3] "So, what's your name?"
[4] "Spare some change?"
[5] Point your gun at him.
action: 4
response: "Spare some change?"

"Sure thing, friend. Sure thing." He pushes a few coins into your palm. "Just, get off my back about money, okay?"

[Your funds have increased by 80¢.]

[1] "Were you just at Paco's Tacos?"
[2] "Lovely weather we're having."
[3] "So, what's your name?"
[4] "Well, goodbye."
[5] Point your gun at him.
action: 5
response: With the poise of a cowboy, you pull the piece from your pocket and put it where your friend can see it. No point worrying about what to say: no words are necessary.

Upon realizing what it is he's staring down the barrel of, the young man begins shrieking hoarsely and fumbling around in his pockets. As soon as he's figured out where his wallet is, he throws it at your feet. And now he's off like a feral cat, down the street and out of sight.

There's something shaking inside your head.
action: You examine the wallet
response: It's shaking up and down so fast there must be someone operating a jackhammer in there, and deep in your throat you detect that you're about to be sick. You can control yourself, though; you push it down, for as long as you can hold your breath, which presently you realize you've been holding all this time, since just before you reached in your pocket, and so instead of vomiting you stand there and heave hot air, in and out, until you feel steady again. Apparently this is what it feels like, mugging somebody.
action: You examine the wallet
response: Heck, there's only three bucks in here. Wait, no, three bucks and a quarter. Not even so much a fake ID. Well, it's your three bucks and a quarter now.

[Your funds have increased by $3.25.]

That wasn't so bad, though! Nobody got hurt, and by tomorrow morning he probably won't even remember. If anything, he'll have learned a valuable lesson about walking home alone. Anyway, he probably won't--he definitely won't, there's no way he would, he absolutely will not report anything to the police. That won't happen.

Besides, it's not technically armed robbery if the gun's not loaded, right?
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
an umbrella
a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
an bag of M&M's
$10.17, mostly in change
your keychain
a gun
action: Go east
response: The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.

The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.

Taped to the utility pole is a crumpled piece of paper, fluttering in the breeze.
action: You examine paper
response: In capital letters courtesy of 24-point Times New Roman, this note explains that parking blah blah customers only blah owner's expense. It looks like something has been written on the back.
action: You examine back of the paper
response: As your sticky fingers pick up and flip over the paper, your keen eye quickly discerns that there's nothing written on the other side. However, removing the paper has revealed something painted on the utility pole.
action: You examine the pole
response: The thick column of wood is host to a confused network of wires up top and a dense forest of ancient staples closer to eye level. For one reason or another, people have also bolted a couple of metal plates to the pole. One of the metal plates has something red spraypainted on it.
action: You examine the paint
response: Some kind of bird, apparently applied with a stencil and red spraypaint on this metal plate bolted to the pole. The bird has a long neck and a long, curving beak. Is it a stork? Do storks have curvy beaks?
action: You read the plate
response: Apparently, it is sometimes necessary to stick a sheet of steel to the side of a utility pole. On one of the plates there's some kind of bird, apparently applied with a stencil and red spraypaint. The bird has a long neck and a long, curving beak. Is it a stork? Do storks have curvy beaks?
action: You take the plate
response: The plates are bolted on!
action: Look around
response: The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.

The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.
action: You look at the bricks
response: The way it curves down in the middle, it looks like a truck full of anvils was sitting here for a few decades.

As you tilt your head you detect the glimmer of a dime in the space between two bricks. You try your best to look graceful and casual as you stoop, then kneel, then get on your hands and knees to pick it up.

[Your funds have increased by 10¢.]
action: Go east
response: Here's the entrance to Paco's Tacos, everyone's favorite place for a bite as long as everything else is closed. The stretch of sidewalk here is covered by a striped awning for the masses to huddle under while waiting for a table at peak hours. The door to the north is framed by neon signs behind plate glass windows. Further east, there's some sort of ice cream place.

Now is a good time to go over the plan before you pull the job. It'd be nice if you had everything written down as a reminder, but a note like that could end up being incriminating. So, mentally, as you're standing here in front of the taco shop, remember:

Once you're inside, you're going to go north across the dining room, to where the counter is. Then you're going to point the gun at the cashier and, without hesitating, tell the cashier to open the cash register. When that's done, tell the cashier to take the money from the register and tell the cashier to give the money to you. (But don't say "to you", say "to me".) Finally, while still pointing the gun at the cashier, walk backward to the entrance. Once you're back outside, you just have to get to your car and drive away.

Nobody will get hurt, nobody will recognize you, and best of all, nobody will get evicted.
action: You go east
response: From this end of the street you can almost see the respectable part of town, way over to the east.

The name of this establishment, according to the vinyl banner in the window, is "Get Your Licks." The sign in the door to the north says it's open, but in spite of the heat you can see no customers inside.
action: You look at the sign
response: It says OPEN.
action: You go north
response: Blissfully you step into the open arms of air conditioning.

Is this really just an ice cream place? It looks more like a mountain cottage, with lace curtains in the windows, and a low table with a built-in checkerboard next to the little fake fireplace. The walls are done up with floral wallpaper and littered with newspaper clippings.

You'd probably take it for a coffeeshop if the counter didn't include a big glass window displaying numerous tubs of ice cream.

A number of cheap wire coat hangers hang from a hastily-installed coat rack.

A dark-haired cashier sits behind the counter.
action: You examine the cashier
response: She's very tall. Well, no she's not; she's actually pretty short, but arms are so long that she looks tall. Or maybe the cut of her sleeves just makes her arms look long.

She's wearing an apron; she has a tattoo on her left shoulder. She also has a lot of hair, which must be a nightmare in this humidity.
action: You look at the tattoo
response: It's mostly obscured by her sleeve. You can only see a the very bottom, a white curve. Maybe it's a tattoo of the moon? Or a yin-yang?
action: You ask the cashier about the tattoo
response: [Use TALK TO to interact with characters.]
action: You talk to the cashier
response: "How can I help you?"

[1] "How are you this evening?"
[2] "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
[3] "I should get going."
[4] Point your gun at her.
action: 2
response: "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Well, take a look! We've got chocolate, vanilla, mint, key lime, strawberry, and salted caramel. Do you want to taste something first?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "How are you this evening?"
[4] "I should get going."
[5] Point your gun at her.
action: 1
response: "I would actually love to taste something&"

"Sure! Hold on&"

She produces a tiny plastic spoon. "What would you like to try?"

[1] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[2] "Can I taste the vanilla?"
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the mint?"
[7] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[8] "How are you this evening?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 6
response: "Can I taste the mint?"

"I would be happy, to, let you do that," she stumbles. She scoops up a tiny spoonful and offers it to you.

Your eyebrows raise, and your nostrils flare.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the vanilla?"
[4] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[5] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[6] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[7] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[8] "How are you this evening?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 8
response: "How are you this evening?"

"Well, business has been a little slow, so I've been& bored, I guess. How are you doing?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the vanilla?"
[4] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[5] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[6] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[7] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[8] "Oh, I'm fine."
[9] "I've been better."
[10] "Actually, I'm doing pretty terribly."
[11] "I should get going."
action: 9
response: "I've been better."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." She looks down at the counter. "Well, things always get better eventually, supposedly."

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the vanilla?"
[4] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[5] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[6] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[7] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[8] "Would you mind my asking&"
[9] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[10] "I should get going."
action: 32
response: [Valid responses range from 1-10. Type REPEAT to relist the options.]
action: 3
response: "Can I taste the vanilla?"

"Absolutely." She scoops a tiny amount of ice cream onto the little spoon, and then she hands it to you.

Oh, wow. "Vanilla" doesn't mean "plain." This has a flavor.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Would you mind my asking&"

"Not at all!" says the dark-haired cashier, without even knowing what it is you're going to ask. [You can try this option again later to "refresh" the things to ask about.]

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "What's your name?"
[10] "What's your tattoo of?"
[11] "I should get going."
action: 10
response: "What's your tattoo of?"

"Oh, it's a slice of pie." She lifts up her sleeve so you can see the ink in its entirety: It does indeed depict a slice of pie. The white curve at the bottom is the plate it's sitting on.

"It's cherry pie; it's my favorite."

And now you know!

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "What's your name?"
[10] "I should get going."
action: 8
response: "You wanna hear something weird?"

Her eyes widen. "Yes. I do." You'd better think of something good! [You can try this option again if you find any more weird things in the future.]

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[10] "What's your name?"
[11] "I should get going."
action: 9
response: "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"

"Oh, you mean the one with the beak?" She makes a sweeping, downward-curving gesture in front of her nose. "Yeah, I've seen that thing all over town. I think it's supposed to be an ibis."

What's an ibis?

[1] "What's an ibis?"
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[5] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[6] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[7] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[8] "Would you mind my asking&"
[9] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[10] "What's your name?"
[11] "I should get going."
action: 1
response: "What's an ibis?"

"Um, it's a bird, with a curvy beak and a long neck. I don't know much more than that. I think they're from Africa?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "What's your name?"
[10] "I should get going."
action: 9
response: "What's your name?"

"It's Zuleika. Pleased to meet you."

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the chocolate?"
[4] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[5] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[6] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[7] "Would you mind my asking&"
[8] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 3
response: "Can I taste the chocolate?"

"Of course you can." She rolls up a fairly generous spoonful onto the little spoon, which she then hands to you.

Hey, this is bitter. Do you like bitter?

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the strawberry?"
[4] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[5] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[6] "Would you mind my asking&"
[7] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[8] "I should get going."
action: 3
response: "Can I taste the strawberry?"

"Certainly." She scoops up a little bit of pink ice cream and hands you the spoon.

It's a lot more mellow than you expected.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[4] "Can I taste the salted caramel?"
[5] "Would you mind my asking&"
[6] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[7] "I should get going."
action: 4
response: "Can I taste the salted caramel?"

"Oh, please do. I just put it together, and I really want to know what you think of it." She picks at the stuff with her tiny spoon and produces a sample for your adjudication. You put it in your mouth.

You are unable to conceal your reaction.

She frowns. "Too much salt, huh?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Can I taste the key lime?"
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "I should get going."
action: 3
response: "Can I taste the key lime?"

"Yes you may." She spoons a tiny amount of ice cream onto her spoon and then she hands it to you. "Careful, it's intense."

Geez! She wasn't kidding.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "I should get going."
action: You examine the clippings
response: Dozens of photographs and newspaper clippings, chronicling the life and lives of an independent dairy farm. There's a full-fledged narrative here, with personalities and ambitions and twists and turns, but at its heart it is a narrative about cows and therefore fundamentally uninteresting.
action: You talk to her
response: (Zuleika)
"How can I help you?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "I should get going."
action: 3
response: "Would you mind my asking&"

"Not at all!" says Zuleika, without even knowing what it is you're going to ask.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "I should get going."
action: 6
response: "What are all these newspaper clippings?"

"They're all stories about my family's dairy farm. All this ice cream comes exclusively from our cows, and we use exclusively non-homogenized milk, which is different from homogenized milk in that&"

A few minutes later you realize that she's done talking.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "I should get going."
action: Look around
response: Is this really just an ice cream place? It looks more like a mountain cottage, with lace curtains in the windows, and a low table with a built-in checkerboard next to the little fake fireplace. The walls are done up with floral wallpaper and littered with newspaper clippings.

You'd probably take it for a coffeeshop if the counter didn't include a big glass window displaying numerous tubs of ice cream.

Zuleika notices you noticing her and smiles.
action: You look at  table
response: This little wooden table has known many years' worth of coaster-free beverages. The sixty-four squares of alternating light and dark wood in the middle constitute a checkerboard; a set of checkers are messily stacked nearby.
action: You play checkers
response: Unless you want to play by yourself, you should probably talk to the cashier about that.
action: You talk to the cashier
response: "How can I help you?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "I should get going."
action: 3
response: "Would you mind my asking&"

"Not at all!" says Zuleika, without even knowing what it is you're going to ask.

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "Do you wanna play checkers?"
[8] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Do you wanna play checkers?"

"Oh, sure!"

She trots with you over to the low wooden table and you each take a seat. The checkers are divided by color and then arranged in the appropriate configuration. Then the game begins.

You are not a master of the art; you do not normally take a lot of time considering each and every possible move. But your opponent is so cautious and deliberate that you feel like you have to slow down, if only to be polite.

Her eyes are narrowed, but she's smiling, and you can tell she relishes the opportunity to take something like this way too seriously.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Presently you realize the board is a mess. It's absurd that the game should be this close when it's this far along. There must be some release to the tension, some sort of button you can press to bring the whole thing crashing down.

And then suddenly your eyes refocus and your mind is completely clear. You see it. You have never had an epiphany in your life, but you are having one now. You can make a dumb-looking move now that will force her into a position where you'll be able to jump every single one of her pieces, and can she do anything to stop it?
action: You look around
response: No. She definitely can't. It's not just a great move you've found, it's a foolproof gambit. You glance up at her and try to read her expression.

As far as you can tell, she doesn't see it.

So now the question is, do you take the move? Do you make the stupid-looking move and destroy her, or do you make the smart-looking move and let her win?

Say "yes" if you're going to let her win.
action: No
response: You take the move that seems like an idiotic move. She looks at you quizzically.

Then she jumps every single one of your pieces. How did she do that?

Oh, you missed the& That one. There. You didn't see that one.

"You didn't have to let me win," she says, smiling. "But thanks a lot anyway. I needed something to cheer me up."

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "What's wrong?"
[8] "I should get going."
action: Yes
response: That was a rhetorical question.
action: You talk to her
response: (Zuleika)
"How can I help you?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "Do you wanna play checkers?"
[8] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Do you wanna play checkers?"

"Oh, sure!"

She trots with you over to the low wooden table and you each take a seat. The checkers are divided by color and then arranged in the appropriate configuration. Then the game begins.

You are not a master of the art; you do not normally take a lot of time considering each and every possible move. But your opponent is so cautious and deliberate that you feel like you have to slow down, if only to be polite.

Her eyes are narrowed, but she's smiling, and you can tell she relishes the opportunity to take something like this way too seriously.
Presently you realize the board is a mess. It's absurd that the game should be this close when it's this far along. There must be some release to the tension, some sort of button you can press to bring the whole thing crashing down.

And then suddenly your eyes refocus and your mind is completely clear. You see it. You have never had an epiphany in your life, but you are having one now. You can make a dumb-looking move now that will force her into a position where you'll be able to jump every single one of her pieces, and can she do anything to stop it?
No. She definitely can't. It's not just a great move you've found, it's a foolproof gambit. You glance up at her and try to read her expression.

As far as you can tell, she doesn't see it.

So now the question is, do you take the move? Do you make the stupid-looking move and destroy her, or do you make the smart-looking move and let her win?

Say "yes" if you're going to let her win.
action: Yes
response: You take the obvious, smart-looking move. She jumps half of your remaining pieces, leaving you with a single suicidal "choice," which you are of course forced to take, allowing her to clean you out completely.

"That was fun," she says, although her huge grin is enough of an indication. "Thanks. I feel a lot better now."

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "What's wrong?"
[8] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "What's wrong?"

She breathes in so deeply that you find yourself inhaling along with her, like you're in a yoga class or something. Then she sighs a massive sigh, a lingering sigh. Only after she is done sighing do you allow yourself to exhale.

"I only opened this place a few weeks ago. My parents loaned me a lot of money to get it started, but I kept insisting that I wanted the business to be separate from the dairy farm. I learned a lot about business from them. I wanted to be independent.

"They were worried about this neighborhood, too, but I said it was the best place. I said an ice cream store couldn't fail in the middle of summer, right? But I've had almost no customers. People mostly just come in and look around, like they're gonna buy the place out from under me, and then they tell me 'Oh, this is a tough town for a new business.' 'You're a very brave girl.'" She stares out the window.
"And those cops, and the guy next door, they just stop by to 'see how I'm doing.' They look all up and down the walls, they look under the seats, and then they ask if the building inspector has been around. There's nothing wrong with this building.

"And I think people are spreading rumors. Someone heard there's E. coli in my ice cream. There's not. I don't have a stupid dripping soft-serve dispenser hanging in the air to collect germs."

She sighs again. "Sorry. Let's talk about something else."

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "I should get going."
action: You talk to her
response: (Zuleika)
"How can I help you?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "I should get going."
action: 2
response: "I know what kind of ice cream I want."

"And, it is&?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I would like a scoop of vanilla."
[3] "I would like a scoop of chocolate."
[4] "I would like a scoop of strawberry."
[5] "I would like a scoop of key lime."
[6] "I would like a scoop of mint."
[7] "I would like a scoop of salted caramel."
[8] "Would you mind my asking&"
[9] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[10] "What's your tattoo of?"
[11] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[12] "I should get going."
action: 2
response: "I would like a scoop of vanilla."

"Coming right up!"

She scoops some of the white stuff into a cone and hands it to you.

"That'll be two dollars, please."
action: You pay zuleika
response: You hand $2.00 to Zuleika and she grins.

"Thanks so much!"
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
a vanilla ice cream cone
a wire coat hanger
a note about parking
an umbrella
a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
an bag of M&M's
$8.27, mostly in change
your keychain
a gun
action: You eat the ice cream
response: (the vanilla ice cream cone)
Vanilla is supposed to be boring. So what the heck is going on here?

It's something else. It's not really vanilla; the girl is just calling it that. Or there is vanilla in it, but something else has been done. What is it?

It's something that's not bad, exactly, but something that you're not supposed to eat. That must be it, because you're starting to feel a little guilty. You hold on to that thought: You need to figure this out before it's gone.

So you start eating a little slower. You close your eyes.

Cookie dough! This tastes like cookie dough. It's not vanilla ice cream with pieces of cookie dough in it; it's cookie dough in the shape of--Goodness.

Now that that's sorted out, you eat the rest fairly quickly, with a feeling of great satisfaction.
action: Go west
response: Here's the entrance to Paco's Tacos, everyone's favorite place for a bite as long as everything else is closed. The stretch of sidewalk here is covered by a striped awning for the masses to huddle under while waiting for a table at peak hours. The door to the north is framed by neon signs behind plate glass windows. Further east is Get Your Licks.

Now is a good time to go over the plan before you pull the job. It'd be nice if you had everything written down as a reminder, but a note like that could end up being incriminating. So, mentally, as you're standing here in front of the taco shop, remember:

Once you're inside, you're going to go north across the dining room, to where the counter is. Then you're going to point the gun at the cashier and, without hesitating, tell the cashier to open the cash register. When that's done, tell the cashier to take the money from the register and tell the cashier to give the money to you. (But don't say "to you", say "to me".) Finally, while still pointing the gun at the cashier, walk backward to the entrance. Once you're back outside, you just have to get to your car and drive away.

Nobody will get hurt, nobody will recognize you, and best of all, nobody will get evicted.
action: Go north
response: The place is pretty much dead. The chairs aren't on the tables yet, but the place may as well be closed. The nearest sign of life is a tiny potted tree.

At the north end, across the dining room, there's a counter attended by a cashier, and sitting in a booth way over there are a couple of bikers.

An oversized painting on the west wall arrests your attention.
action: You look at the painting
response: The canvas is so large and the frame so ornate that the piece takes up a huge chunk of wall.

In long, curving strokes that remind you unpleasantly of the sixties, the painting apparently depicts some Victorian millionaire's smoking-room. An unseen fireplace glows orange on the green wallpaper and the green velvet-backed armchairs, which are huddled around something else, over to the side, which you also can't see.

The focus of the composition is a collection of masks, mounted on the wall like trophies and casting weird shadows in the firelight. The masks are all grotesque: One has a huge lower jaw and protruding tusks; one has shaggy sideburns, a lolling tongue and a goatee; the worst has three unsettlingly lifelike eyeballs set above two noses and a wide, gap-toothed mouth.

A mask! Should you be wearing a mask? The cashier will see your face! Or the bikers will see your face, and they'll know it was you!

No, hold on. The reason you're here at Paco's is because nobody around here is going to recognize you, because they'd never think to haul in a guy from your neighborhood for a robbery committed here. You've got nothing to worry about; just get over there and do it.
action: You examine the bikers
response: Just a couple of guys having a taco. Nothing to worry about.
action: You talk to the bikers
response: You can barely even see the bikers from this end of the room.
action: Wave
response: You wave, feeling foolish.
action: You jump
response: You hop a little hop.
action: Sing
response: "Oh, I've got a brand-new pair of roller skates; you've got a brand-new key&"
action: You go north
response: Hey, those bikers aren't bikers! They're
COPS
As you stagger backward, you collide with something large and doughy-soft, which grunts in response and drops an envelope at your feet.
action: You examine envelope
response: You scoop up the envelope and try to get a better look at it.

It's the size of a normal business envelope, but made out of fancy black paper. The side where you'd normally write an address is decorated with an embossed gold border. Both sides are bulging out from the girth of whatever's inside.

That thing you just bumped into, evidently a sweaty, balding man, snatches the envelope from your hands without so much as a thank you.

"Make sure and lock up my office when you leave," he barks at the cashier. The cashier merely mumbles in response, but his boss is already stomping his way out.

The cash register sits here on a long counter, accompanied by a great big tip jar and guarded by a bored-looking cashier. The menu is printed on a big chalkboard near the ceiling.

Around the counter and to the north is a long hallway. That must be where the big guy came from.

A blonde cop and a mustachioed cop are enjoying their tacos in a booth near the counter.
action: You look at the jar
response: A huge, wide-mouthed glass jar with a piece of paper taped to it reading "TIPS" in huge letters and, below, "aloha!" penciled in smaller letters. It's lined at the bottom with a collection of bills and coins.
action: Steal tips
response: The cashier gapes at you. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," you mutter, staring at your shoes.
action: You look at the menu
response: It looks like your standard taco is $2.50, and a beer is& geez, that much for a lousy beer?
action: Go south
response: The place is pretty much dead. The chairs aren't on the tables yet, but the place may as well be closed. The nearest sign of life is a tiny potted tree.

At the north end, across the dining room, there's a counter attended by a cashier.

Over on the wall is that spooky painting.
action: Go south
response: Here's the entrance to Paco's Tacos, everyone's favorite place for a bite as long as everything else is closed. The stretch of sidewalk here is covered by a striped awning for the masses to huddle under while waiting for a table at peak hours. The door to the north is framed by neon signs behind plate glass windows. Further east is Get Your Licks.
action: You go to the west
response: The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.

The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.
action: You look at the tree
response: On closer examination, it's not even a real tree. It's one of those fake plastic ones.
action: You go south
response: The place is pretty much dead. The chairs aren't on the tables yet, but the place may as well be closed.

At the north end, across the dining room, there's a counter attended by a cashier.

An oversized painting on the west wall arrests your attention.
action: Go west
response: The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.

This side of the lot has its own informative sign.

While you were away someone parked their silver Honda here.

That guy's wallet is still lying on the pavement here.
action: You examine Honda
response: (the silver Honda)
Whose car is this? Where'd they go?

It's pretty nice, for an Accord anyway. It's not scratched up or dented or anything, and if you looked in the windows you'd probably see the seats aren't covered in stains.

There's something shiny in the back.
action: You examine shiny
response: The shiny thing is a knife, really a dagger. It looks like it's made out of gold, and it's sticking out of a human body.

There's a dead person in this car!
action: You open the car
response: The Honda that doesn't belong to you is locked.

A guy with huge eyebrows appears from across the alley.
action: You examine guy
response: The guy with huge eyebrows seems put off by your attention, but slows down for a moment.

The guy is apparently dressed up for an event of some kind, but he's taking his time about getting there. His eyebrows are ridiculous.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.
action: You talk to the man
response: The guy with huge eyebrows seems put off by your attention, but slows down for a moment.

"Um& can I help you?"

[1] "How are you this evening?"
[2] "What's that thing you're carrying?"
[3] "Where are you headed?"
[4] "Have a nice night."
[5] Point your gun at him.
action: 1
response: "How are you this evening?"

"Oh, I'm fine! A little tired! Better head home, right! Ha ha!"

That was a very fake laugh.

[1] "What's that thing you're carrying?"
[2] "Where are you headed?"
[3] "Have a nice night."
[4] Point your gun at him.
action: 1
response: "What's that thing you're carrying?

"You mean this? This is just a& sleeping bag. Going camping!"

[1] "Where are you headed?"
[2] "Have a nice night."
[3] Point your gun at him.
action: 1
response: "Where are you headed?"

"I'm& meeting for a friend. But they won't be here for a while. So I'll just& Don't you have somewhere to be yourself?"

[1] "Have a nice night."
[2] Point your gun at him.
action: 2
response: Pulling your gun out of your pocket and pointing it at the guy with huge eyebrows requires some mental and emotional exertion, but even if your body language betrays your anxiety, the process has its intended effect. He's too afraid to run, but he backs away a little; he even tries to put his hands up, although it isn't easy while he's holding that blanket in them.

"Okay okay okay okay!" he stammers. "What do you want?"

[1] "Hand over that blanket!"
[2] "How about you give me your wallet."
[3] "Where's Paco?"
[4] "Why don't you tell me what the heck is going on around here?"
action: 1
response: "Hand over that cloak!"

"Sure! Sure thing! Absolutely!" He tosses the mass of fabric to you, and you manage to catch it with the arm that isn't busy pointing a gun at him.

And now you can what he was carrying underneath the blanket: some kind of ram mask.

[1] "And toss me that mask too!"
[2] "How about you give me your wallet."
[3] "Where's Paco?"
[4] "Why don't you tell me what the heck is going on around here?"
action: 1
response: "And toss me that mask, too!"

"Sure thing! Sure!" the guy with huge eyebrows cries.

In retrospect, the word "toss" was a poor choice: he throws the ram mask in a high arc, forcing you to take your eyes and and gun off of him as you attempt to complete the pass while holding a gun in one hand and big heavy cape in the other.

The bad news is, the guy ran off down the street. The good news is, at least that mask didn't fall on the pavement and break.
action: Look around
response: The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.

This side of the lot has its own informative sign.

A guy with huge eyebrows is here, minding what appears to be his own business.

While you were away someone parked their silver Honda here.

That guy's wallet is still lying on the pavement here.
action: You talk to the man
response: "Um& can I help you?"

[1] "And toss me that mask too!"
[2] "How about you give me your wallet."
[3] "Where's Paco?"
[4] "Why don't you tell me what the heck is going on around here?"
action: 3
response: "Where's Paco?"

He scrunches up his face in apparent disbelief. "Who? I don't know anyone by that name."

[1] "And toss me that mask too!"
[2] "How about you give me your wallet."
[3] "Why don't you tell me what the heck is going on around here?"
action: 3
response: "Why don't you tell me what the heck is going on around here?"

"You mean you don't know? You're in over your head, pal!" he cackles.

But then he reconsiders his statement: "Or maybe you're not in over
action: 3
response: your head. But you definitely don't know what you're dealing with, that's for sure. Pal."

[1] "And toss me that mask too!"
[2] "How about you give me your wallet."

>[Valid responses range from 1-2. Type REPEAT to relist the options.]
action: 2
response: "How about you give me your wallet."

"I& left it in my other pants." He shrugs sheepishly.

[1] "And toss me that mask too!"
action: Bend hanger
response: You pull and twist on the coat hanger until it turns into a long, flat hooking implement.
action: Unlock Honda with hanger
response: You slide the bent hanger inside the window, assuming as best you can the posture and mannerisms of someone breaking into their own car. Eventually the hook catches on something. You tug, it clicks, and the car door is unlocked.
action: You open the car
response: With an incriminatingly nervous glance around the parking lot, you open the driver's side door and crawl inside.

These are leather seats! Who puts a dead, bleeding body on top of leather seats?
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a cloak
a long, bent coat hanger
a note about parking
an umbrella
a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
an bag of M&M's
$8.27, mostly in change
your keychain
a gun
action: You examine the cloak
response: It must be a cloak, and not a blanket, because blankets don't have sleeves or hoods. Most of the time. This isn't one of those blankets with sleeves anyway. It's a long, black, hooded cloak.
action: You examine body
response: With the lights in the car turned on, you can now see the mutilated body in all its gory detail. It is actually a black duffel bag. A golden dagger is sticking out of the top opening.
action: You look at the dagger
response: It does not look like the kind of dagger you would bring to a knife fight. The blade is long and thin, and wavy-shaped for some reason, with intricate carvings all up and down both sides. The handle is sculpted into the shape of two big birds standing back-to-back; their feet form the butt of the handle and their long, downward-curving beaks form the hilt.

It's probably worth hundreds of dollars.
action: You look at the bag
response: (the bag of M&M's)
Just a bag. You can't remember when you ate them, but hopefully you enjoyed them.
action: You look at the duffel bag
response: Not only is it too small to fit a dead body inside, it's not even full.

In the duffel bag are a golden dagger and a fancy letter.
action: You look at the letter
response: The letter is a single piece of paper, embossed with a gold border and folded in thirds like it was delivered in a business envelope. The letterhead (also gold-embossed) says ÅÃÄ·Á¹¿ É¸¿Â, which must be Russian or something. At least the main text is in English:

Venerable Brothers and Sisters!

Circumstances have lately demanded that the meeting of our illustrious Organization in this turning of the Moon must be convened instead at our auxiliary Location, accessible via the roof of your Brother's most distinguished La Pizzá Building. A thousand thousand apologies are extended for the inexcusable lack of Foresight that necessitated this disturbance.

You are reminded, O Brothers and Sisters, that acceptance into our Mystery is forbidden to those who do not prove themselves by the Sacred Ritual, and that entry to our auxiliary Location is granted only to those who pay fitting Homage to our Guardian Pet.

You are thus warned!

And then where the signature should be there's just this goofy code: An upside-down J, a picture of a boot, and then picture of a teacup.
action: You take all
response: duffel bag: Taken.
golden dagger: As soon as it's in your hands, you can tell it isn't real gold.
fancy letter: Taken.
action: You put all in the duffel bag
response: fancy letter: Done.
golden dagger: Done.
cloak: Done.
long, bent coat hanger: Done.
note about parking: Done.
umbrella: Done.
bag of M&M's: Done.
$8.27, mostly in change: Your money is safe where it is; don't worry about it.
keychain: Done.
gun: That would be a good way to lose track of it!
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a duffel bag (open)
your keychain
an bag of M&M's
an umbrella
a note about parking
a long, bent coat hanger
a cloak
a golden dagger
a fancy letter
a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
$8.27, mostly in change
a gun
action: Look around
response: This is such a nice car. It's so clean. So depressing.
action: You go outside
response: The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.

This side of the lot has its own informative sign.

That silver Honda is still parked here.

That guy's wallet is still lying on the pavement here.

You can also see a ram mask here.
action: You get all
response: long, bent coat hanger: Taken.
ram mask: Taken.
silver Honda: Your pockets aren't big enough.
wallet: It's empty. Floppy.

keychain: Taken.
bag of M&M's: umbrella: Taken.
note about parking: Taken.
cloak: Taken.
golden dagger: Taken.
fancy letter: Taken.
action: You look at the mask
response: Goats are incredibly creepy, but a lot of their creepiness is due to their rectangular pupils, so it's a good thing this mask has eye-holes instead. It also has curly horns that bend back, apparently to fit underneath the hood of a cloak.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a fancy letter
a golden dagger
a cloak
a note about parking
an umbrella
an empty M&M's bag
your keychain
some guy's wallet
a ram mask
a long, bent coat hanger
a duffel bag (open but empty)
a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
$8.27, mostly in change
a gun
action: You remove the glasses
response: You take off the pair of sunglasses.
action: You wear the mask
response: You put on the ram mask.
action: You wear the glasses
response: The mask is too big to wear sunglasses on top of it.
action: You wear the cloak
response: You put on the cloak.
action: Go east
response: The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.

The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.
action: You go east
response: Here's the entrance to Paco's Tacos, everyone's favorite place for a bite as long as everything else is closed. The stretch of sidewalk here is covered by a striped awning for the masses to huddle under while waiting for a table at peak hours. The door to the north is framed by neon signs behind plate glass windows. Further east is Get Your Licks.
I beg your pardon?
action: Go north
response: The cash register sits here on a long counter, accompanied by a great big tip jar and guarded by a bored-looking cashier. The menu is printed on a big chalkboard near the ceiling.

Around the counter and to the north is a long hallway. That must be where the big guy came from.

A blonde cop and a mustachioed cop are enjoying their tacos in a booth near the counter.
action: You talk to the cop
response: (the blonde cop)
You try to greet the officers, but they greet you first: "Hey, could you take off the mask, pal? You're looking kind of suspicious. Kind of arrestable."
action: You remove the mask
response: You take off the ram mask.
action: You talk to the cop
response: (the blonde cop)
The two officers look up from their respective tacos as you approach.

[1] "Good evening, officers!"
[2] "Shouldn't you two be out cleaning up the streets?"
[3] "I should probably get going."
[4] Point your gun at them.
action: 4
response: It seems to take an awful long time to get your gun out of your pocket, but once you succeed, a number of things happen in quick succession. All of a sudden you're lying on your side on the floor, and people are yelling at you, and then you're in the back seat of a car, and then you're somewhere else and some other people are yelling, and&

The moral of this particular story is: aggravated assault upon a law enforcement officer is a felony offense, carrying a minimum sentence of three years.
action: 1
response: "Good evening, officers!" is what you try to say, but it comes out as "Good evening, ollifis--" and then you seem to somehow choke on your own tongue. The cop with the mustache is able to stifle his laughter, but his partner audibly snorts into her drink.

"Good evening yourself, citizen!" answers the mustachioed cop, as his partner wipes off her face. "This here is Officer Rae, and I am Officer Bob, at your service."

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "Do you guys know Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "I should probably get going."
[5] Point your gun at them.
action: 3
response: "I have a crime to report!"

"Oh man!" Blonde Cop smiles. "Really? Lay it on me. Lay it on us."

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "Do you guys know Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "There's some graffiti painted on the utility pole in the alley." [5] "I think there's a car parked illegally outside."
[6] "I should probably get going."
[7] Point your gun at them.
action: 5
response: "I think there's a car parked illegally outside."

"What, seriously?" Officer Rae asks, as if the sin of illegal parking could possibly be interpreted as a joke.

"What do you want us to do about it? We're not the towing company. We enforce the law, not people's made-up parking rules."

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "Do you guys know Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "There's some graffiti painted on the utility pole in the alley." [5] "I should probably get going."
[6] Point your gun at them.
action: 4
response: "There's some graffiti painted on the utility pole in the alley."

"No kidding! Graffiti, huh? Wow. Crazy. Tell you what," Mr. Mustache says, as if addressing an eight-year-old, "Why don't you go get some hot, soapy water and wash that right off? Your good deed for the day."

"Taking care of that kind of stuff is the prerogative of the property owner," his partner adds, more helpfully.

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "Do you guys know Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "I should probably get going."
[5] Point your gun at them.
action: You talk to the cop
response: (Officer Rae)
The two officers look up from their respective tacos as you approach.

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "Do you guys know Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "I should probably get going."
[5] Point your gun at them.
action: 2
response: "Do you guys know Paco?"

After a couple seconds of blank stares, the officers seem to come to the same realization simultaneously, and in near-unison they cry: "Oh! Yeah! Paco!"

Officer Rae rolls her eyes. "Of course we know Paco."

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "What kind of guy is Paco?"
[3] "I have a crime to report!"
[4] "I should probably get going."
[5] Point your gun at them.
action: 2
response: "What kind of guy is Paco?"

"He's a beacon of integrity in this community," offers Officer Rae.

"We should know; we're his best customers," adds Officer Bob.

"Yeah, we're such good customers, we should be eating for free."

Officer Bob gapes at Officer Rae. "Are you saying you've been paying money for these?"

[1] "Stopped any good crimes lately?"
[2] "I have a crime to report!"
[3] "I should probably get going."
[4] Point your gun at them.
action: 3
response: "I should probably get going," you mumble, turning away.

As you leave, you can hear one of the cops calling "Smell ya later! I mean, remain vigilant, citizen!"
action: You describe your surroundings
response: The cash register sits here on a long counter, accompanied by a great big tip jar and guarded by a bored-looking cashier. The menu is printed on a big chalkboard near the ceiling.

Around the counter and to the north is a long hallway. That must be where the big guy came from.

Officer Rae and Officer Bob are enjoying their tacos in a booth near the counter.
action: Go north
response: As you shuffle toward the hallway, you cast a sideways glance at the cashier, expecting him to tell you to stay out of Paco's office. But he just continues staring, catlike, straight in front of him.

Your fingers find the light switch in the instant that your brain realizes there's someone sitting there in the darkness, ready to bust a cap in you the second they get a good look at who's sneaking around in their office. But when you turn on the light, there's nobody there.

This place is a dump. The one nod to aesthetics is a framed portrait hanging on the wall that looks like it was painted in a hurry. Besides that, the desk, the plastic wardrobe, the wheeled upholstered chair from 1976, even the garbage can all look like they fell down a couple flights of stairs each.

Set into the wall behind the desk and looking extremely out of place in this atmosphere of squalor is an expensive-looking safe.
action: You examine the portrait
response: The painting, apparently from the same brush that created the piece out at the store entrance, depicts as austerely as possible the guy you ran into at the counter.

Is this "Paco," then? He doesn't look like a Paco. He looks more like a Chunk.
action: You look in the garbage can
response: That's an awful lot of submarine sandwich receipts.
action: You examine safe
response: A metal door at about eye level, about two feet wide and a foot tall. On the right end there are four dials and a big handle; on the left end there's the insignia of the manufacturer.
action: You look at the insignia
response: The insignia reads "UR-SECUR".
action: You look at the desk
response: This thing has so many scratches and dents, you could almost mistake it for your car--if your car had a few more fake, peeling wood grain accents. There's nothing on top but a layer of dust. The desk has a top drawer and a bottom drawer, both currently closed.
action: You eat safe
response: (first taking the safe)
It's stuck in the wall.
action: You open the drawer
response: As it turns out, the top handle and the bottom handle are both connected to the same big drawer. As you pull it open, an empty bottle rolls around inside. A pink sticky note is stuck to the bottom.
action: You examine the note
response: (the sticky note)
It's pink, and the writing on it says:

WFPP (safe)
4523dave! (laptop)
action: You examine the dials
response: There are four dials; each one has a little arrow that can point at one of a selection of consonants: B, D, F, J, P, R, T, W and Z. Currently they spell out: WRTF.
action: You set the first dial to the W.
response: You spin the dial until the little arrow points at W.
action: You set the second dial to the f.
response: You spin the dial until the little arrow points at F.
action: You set the third dial to the p.
response: You spin the dial until the little arrow points at P.
action: You turn the handle
response: Which do you mean, the safe's handle or the hooked handle of the umbrella?
action: Safe's handle
response: The handle turns, and the safe door swings open.

As it turns out, the safe is only a few inches deep, and the back wall is a complicated console made up of a bunch of buttons and screens--it looks like mission control at NASA.

So where's the money?
action: You look at the console
response: There's a screen on the left and a screen on the right, surrounded by an incomprehensible mass of unlabeled buttons.
action: You look at the bottle
response: It's a brown glass bottle, for some brand of beer that's so cool you've never heard of it.
action: You look at the buttons
response: It's impossible to tell what's going on with any of these buttons, although one of them near the middle is red.
action: You press the red button
response: You have to glance again at the office door before you work up the nerve to push the button. Once you do, the console makes a couple of worrying clicking noises--but then it starts humming, and the two screens light up. The images are in grainy black and white, but you can mostly tell what's going on:

On the left screen is one of those Egyptian statues of a guy with a wolf's head wearing a towel. Someone has placed it in front of a curtain.

Meanwhile, on the right screen, a number of people in hooded cloaks are milling around a candlelit room.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

Someone in a hooded cloak walks up to the wolf-head statue on the left screen.

On the right screen you can discern that the cloaked people are moving around a huge table. It's impossible to tell how many people there are; there are dozens of candles in the room, and they cast all kinds of confusing shadows.
action: You watch screens
response: Which do you mean, the left screen or the right screen?
action: You watch the left screen
response: The left screen depicts a statuesque man (or statue of a man) with a creepy wolf head, standing guard in front of a curtained doorway.

The cloaked person on the left screen raises his own hand (or her own hand?) back at the wolf guy. Are they going to high five? Are they just comparing hands? You can't see the cloaked guy's face.

The items are being arranged on the huge table in a spiral pattern: Circles within circles, around and around&
action: You watch the left screen
response: The left screen depicts a statuesque man (or statue of a man) with a creepy wolf head, standing guard in front of a curtained doorway.

On the left screen, the guy facing Shirtless Wolf Head Guy looks down to reach in his cloak, and for the moment he faces the camera you can see he's wearing a stoic lion's-face mask.

The intricate pattern on the table on the right screen is obviously arranged around some central thing, but you can't make out what it is.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

The dude (or lady) in the cloak on the left screen pulls a mean-looking dagger out of the copious folds of his (or her) voluminous robe.

The centerpiece of the table appears for an instant, glittering. Is it a diamond? Is it multiple diamonds?
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

On the left screen, the cloaked person points his dagger right at Shirtless Wolf Head Guy.

One of the hooded people on the right screen raises her arms. Apparently she's yelling at everyone else, because they all stop what they're doing and look at her.
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

The wolf head guy nods his smooth, expressionless, incredibly eerie wolf head. The cloaked guy nods back.

The leader of the cloaked people on the right screen gestures theatrically toward the table. As she turns, you can tell she's wearing a mask with a long snout.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

On the left screen, the wolf head guy steps out of the way, and the guy in the cloak walks through the curtain and out of sight.

On the right screen, the people are watching the snout-masked lady intently. Some of them start nodding.
action: You examine lady
response: These screens are so small, you can't really make out any details of the snout-masked lady.

Shirtless Wolf Head Guy steps back in front of the curtain and crosses his arms.

As Snout-Mask Woman's gesticulations reach a crescendo, some other person (probably wearing a cloak) walks in front of the camera. The image on the right screen goes completely black.
action: You read the letter
response: The letter is a single piece of paper, embossed with a gold border and folded in thirds like it was delivered in a business envelope. The letterhead (also gold-embossed) says ÅÃÄ·Á¹¿ É¸¿Â, which must be Russian or something. At least the main text is in English:

Venerable Brothers and Sisters!

Circumstances have lately demanded that the meeting of our illustrious Organization in this turning of the Moon must be convened instead at our auxiliary Location, accessible via the roof of your Brother's most distinguished La Pizzá Building. A thousand thousand apologies are extended for the inexcusable lack of Foresight that necessitated this disturbance.

You are reminded, O Brothers and Sisters, that acceptance into our Mystery is forbidden to those who do not prove themselves by the Sacred Ritual, and that entry to our auxiliary Location is granted only to those who pay fitting Homage to our Guardian Pet.

You are thus warned!

And then where the signature should be there's just this goofy code: An upside-down J, a picture of a boot, and then picture of a teacup.

Standing perfectly still, with his arms crossed, the wolf head guy is starting to look like a statue again.

Whoever's standing in front of the camera for the right screen doesn't seem to have anywhere else to be.
action: Go south
response: The cash register sits here on a long counter, accompanied by a great big tip jar and guarded by a bored-looking cashier. The menu is printed on a big chalkboard near the ceiling.

Around the counter and to the north is a long hallway.

Officer Rae and Officer Bob are enjoying their tacos in a booth near the counter.
action: You go south
response: The place is pretty much dead. The chairs aren't on the tables yet, but the place may as well be closed.

At the north end, across the dining room, there's a counter attended by a cashier.

An oversized painting on the west wall arrests your attention.
action: Go south
response: Here's the entrance to Paco's Tacos, everyone's favorite place for a bite as long as everything else is closed. The stretch of sidewalk here is covered by a striped awning for the masses to huddle under while waiting for a table at peak hours. The door to the north is framed by neon signs behind plate glass windows. Further east is Get Your Licks.
action: Go west
response: The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.

This side of the lot has its own informative sign.

That silver Honda is still parked here.
action: You go west
response: La Pizzá Parking Lot
This parking lot is reserved solely for La Pizzá customers, as the sign over there clearly states. La Pizzá is across the street west of here, but of course by this time of night it's locked up tight.

A low-slung iron chain separates this section of the lot from the one reserved for patrons of Paco's Tacos, which is further east.

Your piece of junk Ford Focus is parked here.
action: Go west
response: Outside La Pizzá
You brought a date here once. You could barely afford it then; you definitely wouldn't be able to afford it now.

Come to think of it, as expensive as that date was, it should have gone a lot better.

The dark red brick building, tall and well-kept, looks extremely out of place in this neighborhood. By way of contrast, the lot directly to the north is vacant, a jungle of weeds and trash.

The name of the restaurant is displayed above the door in the form of a massive cursive neon sign, taking advantage of every flourish and curlicue that "La Pizzá Pizzeria" can offer. Above the sign there are a number of windows, some with their lights on. There must be apartments or offices or something up on the second floor.

That buzzing you hear is the fancy security system.
action: Go north
response: North of La Pizzá
Dozens of crickets jump out of your way as you make your way through the overgrowth.

All kinds of weeds and grasses have found homes in this plot of heavily-cracked pavement, studded with various pieces of litter.

Looking around, you realize that the entire lot is fenced off. You're trapped in here, with the weeds and refuse--but then again, you can always go back south to the pizzeria entrance.

A fire escape slashes its way down the north wall of the building.
action: You examine the fire escape
response: The network of black iron stairs and railings appears to go all the way up to the roof. It can only be accessed from the ground, however, by means of the attached ladder, which is hanging unclimbably in the air.
action: You search the weeds
response: If only someone had possessed the foresight to spread around some industrial-strength weed-killer on this spot two hundred years ago.
action: Go south
response: Outside La Pizzá
The dark red brick building, tall and well-kept, looks extremely out of place in this neighborhood. By way of contrast, the lot directly to the north is vacant, a jungle of weeds and trash.

The name of the restaurant is displayed above the door in the form of a massive cursive neon sign, taking advantage of every flourish and curlicue that "La Pizzá Pizzeria" can offer. Above the sign there are a number of windows, some with their lights on. There must be apartments or offices or something up on the second floor.

That buzzing you hear is the fancy security system.
action: You examine the windows
response: Some are lit, and some are unlit, but they're way up there; who can tell what's going on behind them?
action: You listen
response: At least, you assume it's the security system. It sounds like the kind of buzzing sound that a really expensive security system would produce.
action: You go east
response: La Pizzá Parking Lot
This parking lot is reserved solely for La Pizzá customers, as the sign over there clearly states. La Pizzá is across the street west of here, but of course by this time of night it's locked up tight.

A low-slung iron chain separates this section of the lot from the one reserved for patrons of Paco's Tacos, which is further east.

Your piece of junk Ford Focus is parked here.
action: Go north
response: North of La Pizzá
All kinds of weeds and grasses have found homes in this plot of heavily-cracked pavement, studded with various pieces of litter.

Looking around, you realize that the entire lot is fenced off. You're trapped in here, with the weeds and refuse--but then again, you can always go back south to the pizzeria entrance.

A fire escape slashes its way down the north wall of the building.
action: Search refuse
response: At some point in the past, there wasn't enough trash in this lot to be a problem. Then, suddenly and without warning, there was too much trash to do anything about it, and that's where things stand now.
action: Dance
response: Dancing is for when you're alone, at home.
action: Up
response: With a nervous glance around the vacant lot, you climb up the ladder and begin your ascent of the fire escape.

Good grief.

On top of this pizzeria, in the middle of this terrifying neighborhood, somebody has cultivated a garden the likes of which you have only seen in movies about drug lords. Here is a tall shrub that has been cut into the shape of a naked lady. Here is a statue of a cat, carved out of a block of marble or ivory or something like that. The flowerbeds are immaculate, lit by pale blue lamps in neat little rows.

The centerpiece of the spectacle is a gigantic artificial waterfall.
action: You examine the waterfall
response: It's taller than you. The water must be pumped up to the top through hidden tubes; it falls a great distance into a little pond, which feeds an adorable pebbled stream that runs into the flowerbeds and disappears.

It's astonishing that the whole setup isn't audible from the ground.
action: You look at the shrub
response: Is it supposed to be a topiary version of the Venus de Milo? But then it wouldn't have arms. Guess it's just a generic naked lady shrub.
action: You examine the cat
response: (the cat statue)
This cat is larger than life, and carved in great detail. It has its eyes closed and its head tilted, as if enjoying a particularly good petting or scratching.
action: Pet statue
response: (the cat statue)
The cat statue produces an unnerving series of clicks, and all of a sudden the flow of the waterfall slows to a trickle, then stops. Now you can see what's on the other side: the fountain was obscuring a roof access door. How dramatic.
action: You examine the flowers
response: Most of the flowers are those tall orange ones with the pointy petals and the bright red stamens. What are these flowers called? Why have you seen them in so many places around town?
action: Pet lady
response: The naked lady shrub does not respond. All of a sudden you feel very lonely.

The waterfall begins trickling again, and before you know it the roof access door is inaccessible again.
action: You look around
response: On top of this pizzeria, in the middle of this terrifying neighborhood, somebody has cultivated a garden the likes of which you have only seen in movies about drug lords. Here is a tall shrub that has been cut into the shape of a naked lady. Here is a statue of a cat, carved out of a block of marble or ivory or something like that. The flowerbeds are immaculate, lit by pale blue lamps in neat little rows.

The centerpiece of the spectacle is a gigantic artificial waterfall.
action: You look at the lamps
response: They're so evenly spaced along the walkways, in such straight lines, that they suggest the lights of an airport landing strip.
action: You examine the cat
response: (the cat statue)
This cat is larger than life, and carved in great detail. It has its eyes closed and its head tilted, as if enjoying a particularly good petting or scratching.
action: Pet cat
response: (the cat statue)
You push down the cat head and the waterfall stops again.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: >Rooftop Garden
On top of this pizzeria, in the middle of this terrifying neighborhood, somebody has cultivated a garden the likes of which you have only seen in movies about drug lords. Here is a tall shrub that has been cut into the shape of a naked lady. Here is a statue of a cat, carved out of a block of marble or ivory or something like that. The flowerbeds are immaculate, lit by pale blue lamps in neat little rows.

The roof access door is currently unobscured by any waterfalls.

The waterfall begins trickling again, and before you know it the roof access door is inaccessible again.
action: You open the door
response: It's already open.
action: You go inside
response: You hurry in the roof access door before the waterfall starts up again.

You're inside La Pizzá! Finally! Well, you're inside the building anyway.

There's not much going on up here, except for the door to the roof and the stairs leading down.

There's a button on the wall here labeled "waterfall control," which is convenient.

You can hear the waterfall starting up again.
action: Go downward
response: Hey, there's something interesting here.

On this particular landing there's a little window set into the concrete wall, like you might use to look inside a prison cell. Or outside of a prison cell.

Other than that: the stairs go up, and the stairs go down.
action: You examine the window
response: The window is only about three inches tall and eight inches wide, and it seems tinted, but you can see plenty on the other side: A bunch of tables and chairs. It must be the La Pizzá dining room! If only you could get inside!

Actually, it doesn't look that nice from over here.

But what does this window look like from the other side? Are you looking out of the eyeballs of a creepy portrait? Why is this window even here?
action: Go downwards
response: There is nothing at the bottom of the stairs except a stain on the floor. And some heavy-looking double doors to the east.

The doors groan and open automatically as you approach.
action: You examine the stain
response: It could have been blood, or it could have been marinara sauce--perhaps some combination of the two.
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a fancy letter
a golden dagger
a cloak (being worn)
a note about parking
an umbrella
an empty M&M's bag
your keychain
some guy's wallet
a ram mask (being worn)
a long, bent coat hanger
a duffel bag (open but empty)
a pair of sunglasses
$8.27, mostly in change
a gun
action: Go east
response: As you cross some invisible threshold, the doors slam shut behind you.

This looks like one of those tunnels they use to covertly transport uncostumed workers at Disneyland. The walls are exactly as tall as the ceiling and floor are wide, so the hallway is perfectly square, a fact which wouldn't normally seem so eerie, but these walls are sweating in the humidity, and there are ancient stains and cracks all over them. The lights are only bare bulbs, and they're spaced out too far apart.

There's a human figure at the far eastern end of the hall.
action: You go to the east
response: Service Tunnel?
Here, in a dark spot between two light bulbs, is a good place to pause for a moment, because from here you can see that the person at the eastern end of the hall is a shirtless dude wearing a wolf-face mask.
action: You talk to the dude
response: He's still too far away for you to do anything other than covertly admire his abs.
action: You look at the mask
response: (the ram mask)
Goats are incredibly creepy, but a lot of their creepiness is due to their rectangular pupils, so it's a good thing this mask has eye-holes instead. It also has curly horns that bend back, apparently to fit underneath the hood of a cloak.
action: You go east
response: This is the extreme end of the hall. The doorway to the east is obscured by an ornate curtain.

The shirtless guy with the wolf mask stands in front of the curtain, impeding your progress.

Now he raises his palm to you, as if to say: "Halt!"
action: You raise hand
response: You raise your hand.

Wolf Head Guy stands there, with his palm facing your palm. He leans in a little, as if asking you to& do something.
action: You examine the abs
response: Nice.

The guard tries to rub his brow to demonstrate his frustration, but he can only rub his mask.
action: You show the dagger
response: (to Shirtless Wolf Head Guy)
[Use TALK TO to interact with characters.]

The guard composes himself.
action: You talk to Guy
response: Shirtless Wolf Head Guy's emotionless mask regards you coolly.

[1] "Nice wolf head mask!"
[2] "Do you work out?"
action: You talk to the guard
response: [3] "Have you seen Paco lately? Paco, of Paco's Tacos?"
[4] "Could you tell me what's going on around here? I'm just getting more and more confused."

[5] "Did you know you're on TV?"

Before you can finish a single syllable, Wolf Head Guy holds up a finger in front of his snout, as if to say "Shut up!"

Now he raises his palm to you, as if to say: "Halt!"
action: You point the dagger at the Wolf Head Guy
response: You point the golden dagger squarely at Shirtless Wolf Head Guy.

He nods in response.
action: Nod
response: You nod.

This is apparently exactly what Wolf Head Guy wanted, because now he finally steps out of your way.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: This is the extreme end of the hall. The doorway to the east is obscured by an ornate curtain.

Shirtless Wolf Head Guy stands off to the side, ready to let you pass.
action: You go east
response: What is this?

Dozens of people are milling around. They're all in hooded cloaks, and they're all wearing creepy animal masks, except for the people who are wearing very creepy yellow, glassy-eyed human masks. The room is huge--where the heck is this room?--and lit up with hundreds of little candles, enough to make the room unbearably hot. But the air conditioning is on full blast, so the flames just whip around crazily and cast all kinds of weird shadows.

At one end of the room is a raised platform with a podium; behind the platform are two giant bird-headed statues.

In the middle of the room is a massive table.

Shirtless Wolf Head Guy pokes his head in through the curtain and nods at somebody.
action: You look at the table
response: The table is laid out in a spiral pattern: rings within rings of napkins and punch bowls and plates and platters: shrimp, sorbets, mozzarella bruschetta, mousse in little glasses, slices of brie--a tourbillon des hors d'oeuvre that sweeps the eye like a drowning sailor toward the center of its vortex: An ice sculpture of a bird.

One of the cloaks breaks off from a group to take the stage. When he steps into the light, you can see his mask is a long, pointed face, a reptilian face. Either an alligator or a crocodile, depending on what the difference between those two things is.

As he nears the middle of the stage, the murmuring in the room diminishes, and the knots of people loosen into more of a herd as everyone turns toward the platform.
action: You look at the sobek
response: He definitely fills out that robe. And he moves around as if he doesn't care what he knocks over.

The guy in the alligator mask raises his arms. "Brothers and sisters!" his voice rumbles, muffled by the mask. "I'm getting the signal from Doug that everyone is here, so let me start out by saying I am pleased, I am beyond pleased, to call to order this meeting of the Mystery of Thoth."

Where have you heard that voice before?
action: You look at Paco
response: He definitely fills out that robe. And he moves around as if he doesn't care what he knocks over.

"The catering for tonight's meeting was overseen by Sister Heatherton, and it's a really amazing spread, as you can see; I think she deserves some recognition. Sister Heatherton, can you show us where you are?"

A woman near you wearing a hippopotamus mask (Is that Snout Mask Woman? She's thinner in person) raises her hand. "I had a lot of help!" she giggles, but her attempt at modesty is drowned out by applause.
action: You talk to Paco
response: Everyone in here is paying attention to something other than you. This is the one respect in which this party is like every other one you've been to.

"The chocolate mousse in particular is just staggering," continues the alligator mask, as the ovation peters out. "You don't serve this to the general public, do you?"

She shakes her hippo head emphatically, but Alligator Mask isn't really looking for an answer so much as he's trying to get a laugh out of the audience.

"Good! They don't deserve mousse like this!" he growls, and as everyone laughs some more, you realize who it is that's wearing that mask.

It's Paco! From Paco's Tacos! Although you're starting to suspect that "Paco" isn't his real name.
action: You eat the mousse
response: (first taking the glasses of mousse)
You carefully pick up one of the fragile-looking glasses.

"Now, before we get going, let me remind you that Brother Kerrigan is playing taxman, going around collecting your offerings," Paco continues. Somebody on the other end of the room raises a stack of envelopes over his head.

"Remember, a lot of people are depending on us, and vice versa. And although the Mystery of Thoth has yet to be recognized as a charitable organization," (another big laugh) "&your support does make a difference in these people's lives. You all know Vic, from the health department. He told me the other day that his family's going to Maui in a couple weeks. I said 'That's nice! So, what are you gonna do while they're away?'"

Huge laugh.
action: You wait a while
response: Time passes.

Brother Kerrigan weaves his way through the crowd, shaking his pile of envelopes at everybody he passes, but each one raises a hand as he approaches, as if to say "No, I'm good." When he's finally satisfied, he makes his way east, where the crowd parts to reveal a previously hidden doorway.
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

"I'm glad everybody could make it; sorry we had to change the venue on you at the last minute. We were hoping to do this in Sister Witt's lounge at the Lafayette Café, but things fell through. I think it was a piano that fell through, right? Fell through the ceiling!"

This one doesn't land quite as well. Paco coughs.

"Well, let's get right to it. What is there as far as old business?"
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

Someone else speaks up: "There is the matter of the interloper."

Interloper! Do they mean you? Are you found out?
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

"I was actually hoping to save that issue for last&" Paco grouses.

"Well I say we settle it now! She's been enough of an annoyance these past months."

Then it's probably not you. You've only been an annoyance for maybe a couple of hours.
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.

Paco throws up his hands. "The chair recognizes your bellyaching, Brother Stantz! But there are some other things we need to get out of the way first. How about new business; is there any new business?"

Brother Kerrigan re-emerges from the doorway to the east.
action: You go east
response: It's even colder in here.

This is either an office or some sort of lounge: The walls are lined with shelves, but the shelves are all empty; up against one wall is an aquarium, but without any fish; there's a long table in the middle of the room, but there's only one chair. A window in the door to the north and a lamp inside the aquarium supply the only light.

The door shuts behind you with a faint click, but the conversation in the next room is still audible.

That pile of fat envelopes is here, but now they're all empty.

"Point of order! We haven't finished with old business!"

"Oh, point of order, huh? Well, I am going to table your point of order. I am going to postpone your point of order indefinitely."

Paco's rapport with his audience has taken a turn. People are grumbling.
action: Search envelopes
response: You find nothing of interest.

A new voice pipes up: "Can't we have just one meeting that doesn't end with everybody at each other's throats?"

"Yes! That is exact--" Paco is blustering! "That's why I wanted to finish off with the interloper issue, because it's something we can all agree on, so we could work as a team, and then when we were finished we could all leave feeling like we accomplished something."
action: You look under the table
response: You find nothing of interest.

Brother Stantz yells: "I think the first thing we should accomplish is the election of a new chair!"
action: Describe the surroundings
response: It's even colder in here.

This is either an office or some sort of lounge: The walls are lined with shelves, but the shelves are all empty; up against one wall is an aquarium, but without any fish; there's a long table in the middle of the room, but there's only one chair. A window in the door to the north and a lamp inside the aquarium supply the only light.

The door shuts behind you with a faint click, but the conversation in the next room is still audible.

That pile of fat envelopes is here, but now they're all empty.

All of a sudden there's a lull in the meeting room. What's going on?
action: You look at the aquarium
response: Is it technically an aquarium if there's no water in it? This one just has a bunch of rocks and sticks and moss. Someone has placed a folded white card in the middle.

Maybe the meeting is over with? But there are no footsteps.
action: You look at the northern door
response: The little label on it says "EXIT."

Yeah, there's still somebody in the meeting room. You can hear murmuring.
action: You look at the card
response: It has a poem on it, written in ballooning calligraphy:

Our pal Apep, rest in pieces.
Friend to shrewses and to meeces.
Yes, he truly was a sweetum,
But Sister Witt forgot to feed him.

Or maybe there's no murmuring? Just the air conditioning?
action: You get the card
response: You can't get the lid off. Who wants some dumb memorial anyway?

Someone from the meeting room speaks up: "Hey, who's in the office?"

Oh. Oh no.
action: You go north
response: The stairs lead up into dingy dimness.

There's a commotion from the office behind you.

"Let me take care of it," somebody snarls.
action: Up
response: The stairs end here. There's one door, to the west, but it says "EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY."

You hear someone stomping up the stairs.
action: Go west
response: You lean into the door, which turns out to be less heavy than you thought, and stumble outside.

Any further north and the road gets too dark for any sane person to be walking around alone, but south of here there are streetlights, and a street.

There's a door in the east wall, but it has no handle.
action: You look around
response: There's not much going on up here, except for the door to the roof and the stairs leading down.

There's a button on the wall here labeled "waterfall control," which is convenient.
action: Look around
response: Dozens of people are milling around. They're all in hooded cloaks, and they're all wearing creepy animal masks, except for the people who are wearing very creepy yellow, glassy-eyed human masks. The room is huge--where the heck is this room?--and lit up with hundreds of little candles, enough to make the room unbearably hot. But the air conditioning is on full blast, so the flames just whip around crazily and cast all kinds of weird shadows.

At one end of the room is a raised platform with a podium; behind the platform are two giant bird-headed statues.

In the middle of the room is a massive table.

"Point of order! We haven't finished with old business!"

"Oh, point of order, huh? Well, I am going to table your point of order. I am going to postpone your point of order indefinitely."

Paco's rapport with his audience has taken a turn. People are grumbling.
action: Go east
response: It's even colder in here.

This is either an office or some sort of lounge: The walls are lined with shelves, but the shelves are all empty; up against one wall is an aquarium, but without any fish; there's a long table in the middle of the room, but there's only one chair. A window in the door to the north and a lamp inside the aquarium supply the only light.

The door shuts behind you with a faint click, but the conversation in the next room is still audible.

That pile of fat envelopes is here, but now they're all empty.

A new voice pipes up: "Can't we have just one meeting that doesn't end with everybody at each other's throats?"

"Yes! That is exact--" Paco is blustering! "That's why I wanted to finish off with the interloper issue, because it's something we can all agree on, so we could work as a team, and then when we were finished we could all leave feeling like we accomplished something."
action: You examine table
response: This looks like a meeting table, but there's only one chair next to it.

On the long table are a stack of maps, a crumpled list, some minutes, a cashbox and a collection of restaurant menus.

Brother Stantz yells: "I think the first thing we should accomplish is the election of a new chair!"
action: You examine the cashbox
response: A metal box of the sort typically guarded by moms running concession stands at high school football games. It's heavy. But it's locked.

Somebody yells "For the new chair, I nominate myself!" but nobody seconds the motion.
action: You examine the maps
response: Oh, hey, these are all maps of this town!

Each one has title written on it just north of the city limits, like "ITALIAN" or "sports" or "ETHNIC," and then the city is broken up into different-colored sections, like a history textbook explaining where countries used to be.

Here's the "pizza" map: La Pizzá is in the middle of a big red area that takes up this whole side of town--that's right, there aren't any other pizza places around here, are there?--and the rest of the city is split up into much smaller blue, green, yellow and orange chunks, each with one other (less expensive) pizzeria.

The "Mexican" map has a doodle of a sombrero on it. And there's Paco's Tacos, sitting in the middle of its kingdom like Pierre in the middle of South Dakota.

There's an ice cream map, too, but it's a little different: this neighborhood is on the outskirts of the territory set apart for Captain Hugo's Locker (a pirate-themed pizza/ice cream place ten blocks from here). Get Your Licks isn't labeled by name, but the plat where it's located has been circled in red pen a few times. Maybe by Captain Hugo?

He must have been pretty angry.

All of a sudden there's a lull in the meeting room. What's going on?
action: You take all
response: stack of envelopes: Taken.
stack of maps: In a kind of nervous panic, you scoop up all the papers from the table in a big messy sheaf.

A tiny metal key falls out of this sheaf and onto the floor.
crumpled list: You already have that.
minutes: You already have that.
cashbox: Taken.
collection of restaurant menus: You already have that.

All of a sudden there's a lull in the meeting room. What's going on?
action: You take the key
response: (the tiny metal key)
Taken.

Maybe the meeting is over with? But there are no footsteps.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

The big, meaty footsteps are getting louder.
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

As you're contemplating the pros and cons of opening the emergency exit, Paco arrives at the top of the stairs. "Very kind of you to wait up for me," he pants. As you reach in your pocket for the gun, Paco pulls off your mask. "Pleasure to meet you," he says, his own mask completely motionless. Then something (a fist!) slams into your face, and all of a sudden you are on the floor.

Maybe, someday, things will get better for you.
action: Go south
response: Before you can scramble into the light of the streetlamps you fall to the ground, tackled by a huge man in an alligator mask.

Paco turns your body over and presses a fat elbow against your neck. Then he tears off your mask and throws it down the alley.

"What are you doing here?" he heaves.

[1] "I don't know!
[2] "Well, it started out when I lost my job&"
[3] "Who are you?"
[4] "What are you whackjobs doing down there?"
[5] Point your gun at him.
action: 2
response: "Well&" With a monumental effort you successfully exhale the first sentence of your long, pathetic story, but before you can get any further Paco slaps you hard across the face.

[1] "I don't know!
[2] "Who are you?"
[3] "What are you whackjobs doing down there?"
[4] Point your gun at him.
action: 3
response: All you can manage between shallow breaths is a weak "What& &down there," which at least gets your point across.

Paco leans in closer. "We're business owners. We work together, to contribute to this community. We keep people like you in line," he hisses, "because you people don't contribute anything."

[1] "I don't know!
[2] "Who are you?"
[3] Point your gun at him.
action: 2
response: "Who are you?" you wheeze.

"Who am I?! I'm the Blue Moon! I'm Mike's On Fifth! I'm La Pizzá! I own half this town, and you're asking me who I am? You nobody?"

Now he's wheezing too.

[1] "I don't know!
[2] Point your gun at him.
action: 1
response: "I hkkkk," you gag, Paco's elbow pressing down on your larynx. He does not ease up or respond.

[1] "Please, let me go! I won't tell anyone anything!"
[2] Point your gun at him.
action: 1
response: You manage the "please," but Paco just pushes against your throat harder. You get the sense that he's a little overcome at the moment.

[1] "Please, let me go! I won't tell anyone anything!"
[2] Point your gun at him.
action: 2
response: Even though Paco has you pinned to the ground, some sort of miracle happens and you're able to reach your gun. You point it at his face just long enough for him to realize what it is, and then you pull the trigger.

You hear a sharp crack, an explosion.

Which is odd, because the gun wasn't&

Now you're standing up, and Paco is lying face down on the ground.



Although you're pretty sure Paco isn't his real name.

Any further north and the road gets too dark for any sane person to be walking around alone, but south of here there are streetlights, and a street.

Paco is lying on the ground here.
action: You check the gun
response: Small enough to be carried inconspicuously in your pocket, but big enough to scare anybody it's pointed at, this is a kind of gun with a specific name--a brand name, like cars have. It also has a "caliber," which is a number that refers to what kind of bullets you can put in it, but you can't remember that either.

The important details are easy enough: You point it like this, you put your index finger in here, and when you squeeze the trigger it goes boom, assuming the gun is loaded. One other important thing to keep in mind is that the gun is not loaded.

Then you hear a scream from somewhere south of here. Some doors slam, some people yell at each other, and then a dog starts barking, so of course every other dog in the neighborhood starts barking, and from that point the noise becomes incomprehensible.

The gunshot must have been across the street. Some guy got mad at some other guy, or got mad at some other guy's car, or whatever. Somebody else's problem.

Maybe it's time to go home.
action: You examine Paco
response: Belly-down, in a fetal position, whimpering. If he's whimpering, then he's probably not dead, right?
action: You take Mask
response: (the alligator mask)
That seems to belong to Paco.
action: You kick Paco
response: You give him a good kick, and he grunts pitifully in pain.
action: You go south
response: The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.

The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.

You can see a ram mask here.
action: You unlock the cashbox with the key
response: (the tiny metal key)
You unlock the cashbox.
action: You open the cashbox
response: Goodness. This is a lot of money. A whole lot of money, even speaking only in terms of how many pieces of paper there are. And a lot of them are hundreds. Counting all this would take a lot of time and require some math, so you decide to worry about that later.

[Your funds have increased by, let's say, about fifty thousand dollars.]
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a tiny metal key
a cashbox (open but empty)
a collection of restaurant menus
some minutes
a crumpled list
a stack of maps
a stack of envelopes
a glass of mousse
a fancy letter
a golden dagger
a cloak (being worn)
a note about parking
an umbrella
an empty M&M's bag
your keychain
some guy's wallet
a long, bent coat hanger
a duffel bag (open but empty)
a pair of sunglasses
$50008.27, mostly in hundred dollar bills
a gun
action: You examine the menus
response: There must be a menu here for every restaurant in town! And they've all been marked up by pens of various colors, crossing out and replacing the prices of every item. Usually the prices go up (big surprise).
action: You look at minutes
response: That's what it says at the top of each sheet, anyway: "Mystery of Thoth - Minutes of" and then a date. The text is mostly incomprehensible bureaucratic nonsense. A random paragraph catches your eye:

Brother Alpert moved to trade masks with somebody, saying he was "tired of being the guy with a beetle for a face." Brother Malone denied this motion, although Brother Alpert was later seen at Mike's on Fifth offering Brother Stantz an undisclosed amount to swap him for the cobra mask.

Each one is "respectfully submitted" by Sister Lagrange.
action: You examine the maps
response: Oh, hey, these are all maps of this town!

Each one has title written on it just north of the city limits, like "ITALIAN" or "sports" or "ETHNIC," and then the city is broken up into different-colored sections, like a history textbook explaining where countries used to be.

Here's the "pizza" map: La Pizzá is in the middle of a big red area that takes up this whole side of town--that's right, there aren't any other pizza places around here, are there?--and the rest of the city is split up into much smaller blue, green, yellow and orange chunks, each with one other (less expensive) pizzeria.

The "Mexican" map has a doodle of a sombrero on it. And there's Paco's Tacos, sitting in the middle of its kingdom like Pierre in the middle of South Dakota.

There's an ice cream map, too, but it's a little different: this neighborhood is on the outskirts of the territory set apart for Captain Hugo's Locker (a pirate-themed pizza/ice cream place ten blocks from here). Get Your Licks isn't labeled by name, but the plat where it's located has been circled in red pen a few times. Maybe by Captain Hugo?

He must have been pretty angry.
action: You look at the list
response: This paper is old, and it looks like people have been crossing parts out, rewriting parts, and annotating other parts with inscrutable question marks over the course of months or maybe years. It must have started out as a typewritten table: A column of names, a column of positions, and a column of dollar amounts. For example:



Most of these names you don't recognize: building inspectors and health officials, police, newspaper editors. But the mayor is on here too! On his row, "CITY COUNCILMAN" has been crossed out and replaced with "MAYOR," and "$5000" has been crossed out and replaced with a much larger number.
action: Go east
response: The lights are off. Paco's is closed.
action: You talk to Zuleika
response: "How can I help you?"

[1] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[2] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[3] "Would you mind my asking&"
[4] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[5] "What's your tattoo of?"
[6] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[7] "I should get going."
action: 4
response: "You wanna hear something weird?"

Her eyes widen. "Yes. I do." You'd better think of something good!

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "Do you know about any weird cults around here?"
[8] "Check out this dagger I found."
[9] "Look at this crazy mask."
[10] "Could you take a look at this note?"
[11] "There's this garden with a waterfall on top of La Pizzá.
[12] "What's your tattoo of?"
[13] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[14] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Do you know about any weird cults around here?"

"Cults?" She frowns. "I know that people act really weird around here, that's for sure. But I've never heard of any cults. I guess a good cult has to be secretive about it, right?"

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "Check out this dagger I found."
[8] "Look at this crazy mask."
[9] "Could you take a look at this note?"
[10] "There's this garden with a waterfall on top of La Pizzá.
[11] "What's your tattoo of?"
[12] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[13] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Check out this dagger I found."

"Oh my gosh! Where did you get this?"

You hesitate.

But she doesn't notice: "I found a dagger just like this, stuck in my door like a week ago! Someone stabbed it in my door in the middle of the night, like a warning from the mob or something. I thought it was just weirdos, I didn't think it was a thing. I have other stuff on my mind&" She looks out the window.

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "Look at this crazy mask."
[8] "Could you take a look at this note?"
[9] "There's this garden with a waterfall on top of La Pizzá.
[10] "What's your tattoo of?"
[11] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[12] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Look at this crazy mask." You hand it over to her, and she regards it suspiciously.

"Where the heck did this come from? It's creepy. I don't like it." She pushes it back toward you.

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "Could you take a look at this note?"
[8] "There's this garden with a waterfall on top of La Pizzá.
[9] "What's your tattoo of?"
[10] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[11] "I should get going."
action: 8
response: "There's this garden with a waterfall on top of La Pizzá."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's got a shrub shaped like a cat, and a statue of a naked lady. I mean, the other way around."

"So, there's a statue of a cat, right? Do I understand you correctly? Well, give it a pet for me. I love cats, but I'm allergic."

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "Could you take a look at this note?"
[8] "What's your tattoo of?"
[9] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[10] "I should get going."
action: 7
response: "Could you take a look at this note?"

She says "Sure," so you hand it to her.

"Wow, this is weird. These are some seriously nerdy people getting together. Where did you find this? Don't tell me."

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "What's your tattoo of?"
[8] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 4
response: "Would you mind my asking&"

"Not at all!" says Zuleika, without even knowing what it is you're going to ask.

[1] "You will not believe what just happened to me."
[2] "I would actually love to taste something&"
[3] "I know what kind of ice cream I want."
[4] "Would you mind my asking&"
[5] "You wanna hear something weird?"
[6] "Have you seen this graffiti of a bird?"
[7] "What's your tattoo of?"
[8] "What are all these newspaper clippings?"
[9] "I should get going."
action: 1
response: "You will not believe what just happened to me."

"Try me," she says.
action: You wait
response: So you tell her everything, from breaking into the car, to the cat statue and the waterfall, to Wolf Head Guy, to the whole scene in the meeting room, to your epic battle with Paco. As you hear yourself telling it, it sounds stupider and stupider, but your friend is transfixed. She doesn't doubt you for a second.

And then you show her the papers you found in the office.

"This is me!" she says, pointing to a circle on one of the maps. "This is proof that they're after me! And this list has gotta be list of bribes that they're paying to people all over town! The freakin' mayor! You uncovered a huge, crazy restaurant conspiracy!"

She pauses. "We have to be careful about this. They're gonna be after you. But we can lay low. We can take it slow. We'll talk to my parents; they can hide you up on the farm if they have to. We'll figure it out."
action: You wait
response: Her eyes glint. "In the meantime, do you need a job?"
action: You point gun at Zuleika
response: "You point it at her, but she yells "Hey! Get that thing out of my face!" and you put it away.
action: You give the money to Zuleika
response: She frowns. "I don't need money," she says. "I need customers that trust me. I need cops and building inspectors to stop breathing down my neck. I could use another cashier. But money isn't really my problem; my problem is business."
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a ram mask
a tiny metal key
a cashbox (open but empty)
a collection of restaurant menus
some minutes
a crumpled list
a stack of maps
a stack of envelopes
a glass of mousse
a fancy letter
a golden dagger
a cloak (being worn)
a note about parking
an umbrella
an empty M&M's bag
your keychain
some guy's wallet
a long, bent coat hanger
a duffel bag (open but empty)
a pair of sunglasses
$50008.27, mostly in hundred dollar bills
a gun
action: You give mousse to her
response: (Zuleika)
[Use TALK TO to interact with characters.]
action: You give the mousse to Zuleika
response: [Use TALK TO to interact with characters.]
action: You enter the focus
response: Aside from the usual accomodations, the interior of this automobile boasts numerous empty pop cans, a tall and disorganized stack of documents and a variety of stains.
action: You drive
response: Are you sure you want to drive home?
action: Yes
response: So, then, you go ahead and start the car.

It's so late now that there's nobody else on the roads. You can drive slowly, incredibly slowly, through intersections and empty parking lots; when you come up to the top of a hill you can weave back and forth while you idle your way down.

And as you do, you let yourself smile a little bit.

Some weird stuff happens over the next few weeks: Paco's Tacos closes, and then La Pizzá says it's "on hiatus," and some stories come out in the news that get people really angry, but you don't usually read the news.

So when the front page features a big picture of Paco (not his real name), next to a story about his controversial acquittal, you don't notice at all.