A Scurvy of Wonders
by Rob Dubbin (2011)
Genres: Surreal

You play as a person on a yacht who is dying from scurvy. Apparently pursuing a diet of just pizza, chicken fingers, and beer for nearly two months wasn't your best idea. A tiny amount of vitamin C can save you, but you can barely move. And here come the hallucinations.

action: %
response: It was supposed to be a carefree escape. Just you, your yacht, and a two-month supply of frozen pizza, chicken fingers, and beer. But it seems there was an uninvited guest: scurvy.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.
action: Groan
response: You moan a wet-sounding sough.

HOW TO PLAY: The options available to your scurvy-riddled brain and body are:

examine
give
groan
wait

Typing "help" at any time will bring up this list again. It will not, however, restore your body's ability to synthesize collagen.
action: Appreciate yourself
response: You're really more of an animal person.
action: Appreciate scurvy
response: You're really more of an animal person.

A chance look at the ocean reveals the corpulent outline of a surfacing manatee.
action: Appreciate the manatee
response: As you ruminate on the merits of the manatee -- so noble! So gentle! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The smell of citrus awakens long-dead senses, as a gentle breeze wafts through row after row of orange trees in fruit. The wind only somewhat irritates your inflamed gums, so that's an improvement.

You can see some trees and a manatee farmer here.
action: You examine the trees
response: Festooned with life-giving citrus. Even one of them would save your life, but for one thing they are too far away and for another they are guarded by a possessive manatee farmer.

"Boy howdy, I could stand to whet my whistle. Preferably with something alcoholic." The manatee farmer winks. "Got me one of them demandin' whistles."
action: Groan
response: You grumble a heartrending wail.

"Take yer grousin' somewhere else," says the manatee. "I've seen worse."
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a jacket (being worn)
action: You examine the jacket
response: You bought this jacket to symbolize your financial independence and freedom. Right now it's soaked with a heady combination of rum, breading, and old sweat.

The manatee twitches its vibrissae. "Been a long day out here," it muses. "Could sure use a tall cold one."

Before you can act, the smell of the ocean fills your nostrils and your vision shifts again as the hallucination expires.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.

You can see a rat here.
action: Appreciate rat
response: As you meditate on the merits of the rat -- so resourceful! So thrifty! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The mountain of treasure piled before you shimmers with the casual indifference of unadulterated wealth. Torches burn in the wall sconces, contributing to the impression of an ill-gotten fortune.

Sitting before his hoard in a gilded Aeron chair, whiskers twitching proudly, is a rat tycoon.
action: You look at the treasure
response: You see amethyst goblets, hillocks of gold doubloons, and what appears to be a life-sized jewel-encrusted chimpanzee.

With studied indifference, the whiskered prince of business hefts a crystalline chalice. "Feh. About as much emotion in this object as there is in my multinational corporation's mission statement."
action: You examine the chimpanzee
response: Was it ever alive? And if so, isn't this better?

"I would give it all up," the tycoon says, nervously worrying at his lapels, "for proof that love exists in this cynical, bottom-line-driven world."
action: Appreciate the chimpanzee
response: This is not the 2010 film sensation Inception.

Before you can act, the smell of the ocean fills your nostrils and your vision shifts again as the hallucination expires.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.
action: You get the beer
response: You emit a piteous sob.

With a loud caw, a seagull alights on the aft railing in front of you.
action: Appreciate the seagull
response: As you ruminate on the merits of the seagull -- so loud! So gregarious! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The candlelit taproom smells of liquor and cherry-wood. Dignified in her barkeep's apron, your seagull wife swabs the surface of the bar with a feathered wing.

One look and you know she's a loving, caring wife who can carry her end of a conversation.
action: You examine the seagull
response: She grits her beak with frustrated determination, and worry-lines crinkle the downy spots around her eyes.

Your seagull wife taps idly at the cash register with her beak. It springs open, empty.
action: Kiss seagull
response: Keep your mind on the game.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

Before you can act, the smell of the ocean fills your nostrils and your vision shifts again as the hallucination expires.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.
action: Groan
response: You moan a wet-sounding sough.

A chance look at the ocean reveals the corpulent outline of a surfacing manatee.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a jacket (being worn)

With a deliberate flap of its platter-sized forelimb, the manatee sinks back into the deep.
action: You examine the jacket
response: You bought this jacket to symbolize your financial independence and freedom. Right now it's soaked with a heady combination of rum, breading, and old sweat.
action: Groan
response: You emit a piteous sob.
action: Look around
response: The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.

You hear a tiny scrabble, as a waterlogged rat climbs out of the bilge pipe into view.
action: Appreciate rat
response: As you ruminate on the merits of the rat -- so crafty! So furry! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The mountain of treasure piled before you shimmers with the casual indifference of unadulterated wealth. Torches burn in the wall sconces, contributing to the impression of an ill-gotten fortune.

Sitting before his hoard in a gilded Aeron chair, whiskers twitching proudly, is a rat tycoon.
action: You give the jacket
response: (to the rat)
The rat tycoon scoffs. "Oh please, I already have twenty of these. In fact, I own the factory that makes them." He beams. "It's very efficient."
action: You get the wealth
response: You sob a melancholy shriek.

"This is the worst product pitch I've had to sit through in weeks. Who gave you time on my schedule?"
action: Appreciate rat
response: This is not the 2010 film sensation Inception.

Before you can act, the smell of the ocean fills your nostrils and your vision shifts again as the hallucination expires.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.
action: Groan
response: You shriek a dismal yawlp.

With a loud caw, a seagull alights on the aft railing in front of you.
action: Appreciate the seagull
response: As you reflect on the merits of the seagull -- so confident! So feathered! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The candlelit taproom smells of liquor and cherry-wood. Dignified in her barkeep's apron, your seagull wife swabs the surface of the bar with a feathered wing.

One look and you know she's a loving, caring wife who can carry her end of a conversation.
action: You give the jacket
response: (to the seagull)
She eyes your jacket with skepticism. "That won't pay the bills," she caws. "Nothing will."
action: You talk to the seagull
response: You emit a piteous sob.

Times may be hard, but you swore to love each other for richer or for poorer, and she is a gull of integrity.

Taking flight over the bar with a single flap, she lands at your side and cradles your head under her wing. For minutes, you sit there together in silence. As she hops back, you feel the gentle poke of a wing feather caught in your captain's jacket.
action: You examine the feather
response: It smells uncannily like love. Well, love and seagull.

"I just don't know," comes the frustrated coo. "What more can we do to attract customers?"
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

Before you can act, the smell of the ocean fills your nostrils and your vision shifts again as the hallucination expires.

The immaculate fiberglass transom of your 45-foot yacht only highlights the hideous, scorbutic condition of your body. Fifty-eight days of nothing but carbohydrates, alcohol, and deep-fried poultry have come to this.

You cannot speak, and you can barely move. You can only muster the strength to groan.
action: Groan
response: You wail a tearful sob.

A chance look at the ocean reveals the corpulent outline of a surfacing manatee.
action: Groan
response: You discharge a dismal wail.
action: Groan
response: You shriek a dismal yawlp.

With a deliberate flap of its platter-sized forelimb, the manatee sinks back into the deep.
action: Groan
response: You shriek a grotesque keen.
action: Groan
response: You let loose a pathetic moan.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.
action: Groan
response: You cry an attention-seeking sigh.

You hear a tiny scrabble, as a waterlogged rat climbs out of the bilge pipe into view.
action: Appreciate rat
response: As you reflect on the merits of the rat -- so resourceful! So thrifty! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The mountain of treasure piled before you shimmers with the casual indifference of unadulterated wealth. Torches burn in the wall sconces, contributing to the impression of an ill-gotten fortune.

Sitting before his hoard in a gilded Aeron chair, whiskers twitching proudly, is a rat tycoon.
action: You give the feather
response: (to the rat)
The rat begins to sneer at the feather, but then pauses. He sniffs the air. "This... this feather smells like love. True love. Clearly it is a treasure to you." His eyes become greedy. "The feather must be mine."

Turning around, he fishes in his treasure pile, pulls out a large bag of money, and tosses it into your lap. "Take this instead, buy yourself a new soulmate."
action: You examine the bag
response: The clinking of coins inside reminds you of your own money-pile back home.

With studied indifference, the whiskered prince of business hefts a crystalline chalice. "Feh. About as much emotion in this object as there is in my multinational corporation's mission statement."
action: Groan
response: You bleat a horrible lamentation.

With a loud caw, a seagull alights on the aft railing in front of you.
action: Appreciate gull
response: As you meditate on the merits of the seagull -- so loud! So gregarious! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The candlelit taproom smells of liquor and cherry-wood. Dignified in her barkeep's apron, your seagull wife swabs the surface of the bar with a feathered wing.

One look and you know she's a loving, caring wife who can carry her end of a conversation.
action: You give the bag
response: (to the seagull)
At first, she can't believe it. Her beady eyes dilate, and her crown-feathers ruffle in surprise. "Is that... for us?" Defying biology, a tear rolls down her seagull cheek.

As proudly as you can muster under the circumstances, you nod.

"Let's celebrate!" She clutches two of the tavern's finest microbrews in one claw, and walks around the bar to your side. Handing you a bottle, she chirps in your ear: "Someone's getting lucky tonight."
action: You examine bottle
response: Cisco Brewers' The Grey Lady, named for the often foggy island where it is brewed. This wheat beer is fermented with Belgian yeast and brewed with fresh fruit and spices. A unique ale that emits a complex, earthy nose and a soft, mid-palate maltiness with hints of tropical fruit. Dry and spicy.

Your seagull wife taps idly at the cash register with her beak. It springs open, empty.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a microbrew
a jacket (being worn)
action: Groan
response: You emit a piteous sob.

A chance look at the ocean reveals the corpulent outline of a surfacing manatee.
action: Appreciate the manatee
response: As you reflect on the merits of the manatee -- so massive! So calm! -- your vision blurs and you feel your perspective shift.

The smell of citrus awakens long-dead senses, as a gentle breeze wafts through row after row of orange trees in fruit. The wind only somewhat irritates your inflamed gums, so that's an improvement.

You can see some trees and a manatee farmer here.
action: You give the microbrew
response: (to the manatee farmer)
"Now we're talkin'!" The manatee positively leaps with excitement, to the extent that a manatee can leap.

"S'pose it's only fair you get somethin' in return." Ponderously, the farmer stabs the nearest orange with its pitchfork, then tucks the fruit into your jacket.
action: You eat the orange
response: With just one bite, you feel life-giving Vitamin C begin to course through your veins. It won't be long before you're back on land, resuming your life as a wealthy yacht-owning layabout.