Attack of the Yeti Robot Zombies
by Øyvind Thorsby (2006)
Genres: Humor


action: %
response: This is a try-to-win-on-the-first-attempt game. The point of the game is to try to win on the first attempt. Or, failing that, to win in as few attempts as possible. You are not supposed to use "undo" or "restore" if things are going badly. (Though it is OK to use "save" and then later "restore" if you have to leave the game for a while. And it is OK to save the game as often as you like.)
Get it? Yes or no?
action: No
response: Ok, I will give an example. Say you are playing a game where you start in a burning building. If this were a normal game maybe you would want to search the building. Maybe you would find things. If you died you could just restart. But if you where playing a try-to-win-on-the-first-attempt game, you would probably want to run out, otherwise you might burn and die and then you would probably not win on the first attempt.
Now do you understand? Yes or no?
action: No
response: Well I give up. Just play the game.

Norway 1994. The country is overrun by yeti robot zombies! Death tolls are high. The cities are particularly strongly infested, and many people have fled to more desolate places. You too have escaped from a city, and have traveled to your cabin in Jotunheimen.

Those who care can type CREDITS.
Examine, look at, look inside, look under, look behind, look <direction> and search have not been implemented. You can still use look, inventory and read.
No time passes when you use "look" or "inventory".
You communicate by "talk to [whatever]".
Should you wish to re-read the above information during the game, type ABOUT.

High up in Jotunheimen, on a path going west (where you came from) and east. To the north of you is your cabin, to the south a long drop. Behind your cabin is a steep tall mountain wall. The door to your cabin is gone. Bullet holes show it has been shot away. It must have been done by humans; yeti robot zombies don't carry guns.
action: You look around
response: High up in Jotunheimen, on a path going west (where you came from) and east. To the north of you is your cabin, to the south a long drop. Behind your cabin is a steep tall mountain wall. The door to your cabin is gone. Bullet holes show it has been shot away. It must have been done by humans; yeti robot zombies don't carry guns.
action: About you
response: In this game examine, look at, look in, look under, look behind and search have not been implemented. You can still use look, inventory and read.
action: You go to the north
response: It looks like some very heavy fighting has taken place here; all the furniture has been smashed to bits. Your bedroom is west, the outside south.
action: You go west
response: All the furniture has been smashed here too, except for the large closet. It is open and empty. An extremely dead soldier lies all over the floor. A cell phone and a plasma rifle lie here. They are not yours. Maybe they belonged to the soldier. The only exit is east.
action: You take the cell phone and the rifle
response: cell phone: Taken.
plasma rifle: You take the rifle. You notice it has 6 shots left.

The cell phone rings. You answer it. "Hello?" you say.
"Private H?rland is that you?" says a voice.
"No, I'm afraid he is dead. I found him in my cabin, it looks like he was torn apart by a yeti robot zombie."
"Fytti katta!" the voice curses.
"Who is this?"
"This is general Hansen."
"And why is there a dead man in my cabin?"
"He probably broke in to look for provisions. The yeti robot zombies have attacked our bases and eaten all our food. And the army. Private H?rland and me were the last ones left. And I can't fight much. My arms and legs have just been eaten. I barely managed to bite through the throat of the yeti robot zombie who attacked me. Then I dialed the phone with my nose."
"Then... we have lost?" you say.
"Maybe not. I have found out who the evil boss is that is behind all the yeti robot zombies. His headquarters are in Drammen."
"Great. But who can stop him?"
"It will have to be you."
"Me? But I can't." you say.
"You have to. There is nobody else left. But don't worry; I will guide you whilst slowly bleeding to death. First, do you have a gun?"
"Yeah I have a rifle. There are six shots left."
"That is is not enough. You are bound to encounter many yeti robot zombies on your mission. You must try to find a way to get past them without shooting them."
"But how? I can't fight them with my hands. And I certainly can't talk to them."
"I know. You just have to think of something. Now listen up. There is a cave east of your cabin. Go there. We have a small military base hidden inside it."
"Very well."

Just then you hear a Chewbaccaesque roar from the living room. There is a yeti robot zombie in your cabin! It could walk into the bedroom any minute now!
action: You describe your surroundings
response: All the furniture has been smashed here too, except for the large closet. It is open and empty. An extremely dead soldier lies all over the floor. The only exit is east.
action: You enter the closet
response: You get into the closet.

You hear the roar of a yeti robot zombie in the living room.
action: Close closet
response: You close the closet and wait. Not long after you can hear something heavy walk into the room. You hold your breath. It sounds as if it is kicking the remains of the furniture around. Then you hear the roar of the yeti robot zombie. Then it hits the closet! The closet shakes. Have you been discovered? But then you hear the monster leave. You breathe out. You wait a while, then open the closet again.
action: You take the soldier
response: Yuck! You don't want to move a corpse around!
action: You go to the east
response: You'll have to get out of the closet first.
action: You get out
response: You get out of the closet.
action: You go east
response: It looks like some very heavy fighting has taken place here; all the furniture has been smashed to bits. Your bedroom is west, the outside south.
action: You go to the south
response: High up in Jotunheimen, on a path going west (where you came from) and east. To the north of you is your cabin, to the south a long drop. Behind your cabin is a steep tall mountain wall. The door to your cabin is gone. Bullet holes show it has been shot away. It must have been done by humans; yeti robot zombies don't carry guns.
action: You go east
response: Just a couple of meters east of your cabin, and what do you know, there is a cave here! You had no idea! You can enter it by going north. To the south and east is a long drop.
action: You go north
response: Passages go northeast and northwest. South leads out.

You speak into the cell phone. "Ok, I'm in the cave now."
"Good. The entrance to our base should not be hard to find. It will however be locked. There is a soldier in the cave who has a ring of keys. One of the keys fits the lock. The soldier is off course dead. Torn apart by yeti robot zombies."
"Yikes! That means there could be yeti robot zombies in the cave right now?"
"Yes."

Just then you hear a yeti robot zombie roar from the northeast. It seems to be getting closer.
action: Go northwest
response: Passages go southeast and northeast. A heavy-looking iron door leads west. It is closed.
action: You open the door
response: It seems to be locked.

You hear a roar from the southeast. It seems to be getting closer.
action: Go northeast
response: Passages go southwest and southeast.
action: You go southeast
response: Passages go northwest and southwest. Another dead soldier lies all over the place.

A ring of keys lies here. There must be at least sixty keys on it!

You hear a roar from the southwest. It gets further and further away, then disappears.
action: You get the keys
response: Taken.
action: Go southwest
response: Passages go northeast and northwest. South leads out.

You hear a roar from the northwest. It gets further and further away, then disappears.
action: You go to the northwest
response: Passages go southeast and northeast. A heavy-looking iron door leads west. It is closed.

You hear a roar from the northeast.
action: You unlock door
response: You try one of the keys. It does not fit.

You hear a roar from the northeast. It gets further and further away, then disappears.
action: You continue
response: You try another key. It does not fit.
action: Keep going
response: You try a new key. It does not fit.

You hear a roar from the southeast. It seems to be getting closer.
action: Go northeast
response: Passages go southwest and southeast.
action: You go to the southeast
response: Passages go northwest and southwest. Another dead soldier lies all over the place.

You hear a roar from the southwest. It gets further and further away, then disappears.
action: You go to the south-west
response: Passages go northeast and northwest. South leads out.

You hear a roar from the northwest.
action: You go to the northwest
response: Passages go southeast and northeast. A heavy-looking iron door leads west. It is closed.

You can see a yeti robot zombie here.

The yeti robot zombie roars when it sees you.
action: You go to the south-east
response: You try to leave, but the yeti robot zombie grabs you and drags you back. You manage to shake loose from its grip.

The yeti robot zombie roars.
action: You shoot the yeti
response: "Have a taste of plasma!" you say. A plasma beam evaporates the yeti robot zombie. Five shots left.

"Did I hear a shot?" says the general on the phone. "Careful son, you gotta save the ammo. Find some way to avoid shooting the monsters."
action: You unlock door
response: You try a new key. It does not fit.
action: You unlock door
response: You try a new key. It fits. What luck! You unlock the door.
action: You open the door
response: You open the door.
action: Go west
response: To the north is a doorway. To the east is a heavy-looking iron door. It is open.

You speak into the cell phone "I am inside the base."
"Excellent. On the second floor is a cabinet. It is locked, but one of your keys will open it. Inside the cabinet is an experimental teleporting device. Just push the button, and it will teleport you to our main base, on the other side of the mountain."
"Very well."

Suddenly you hear a roar to the east. A yeti robot zombie must be just outside the door!
action: You close the door
response: You close the door.

You hear a roar from the east.
action: You lock the door
response: You lock the door.

There comes a loud bang from the door, as if something large is being smashed against it.
action: You go north
response: To the south and north are doorways. Lots of useless debris blocks the north doorway. It is going to take several minutes to move it away.

You hear a bang from the south.
action: Clear debris
response: As you begin to move the debris, the bangs from the south get louder and more frequent. You hurry up. Soon the debris is out of the way.

You hear loud bangs and angry roaring from the south.
action: You go north
response: To the south is a doorway. Stairs goes up.

You hear a roar behind you and turn. A yeti robot zombie was standing up against the wall, besides the door. Now it moves in front of the door, blocking it. But the stairs are clear. And you know yeti robot zombies are really bad at walking up stairs.
action: Up
response: Stairs go down. A glass cabinet is here. It is closed. Inside it is a small black box with a round red button.

You hear the clamor of a yeti robot zombie trying to walk up the stairs.
action: You break the cabinet
response: You smash the cabinet to pieces with your fists. The small black box falls on the floor.

You hear the clamor of a yeti robot zombie trying to walk up the stairs.
action: Up
response: Stairs go down. There is a glass door to the east, and another one to the west. Both are closed.

You hear the clamor of two yeti robot zombies trying to walk up the stairs.
action: Go east
response: The door is locked.

You hear the clamor of two yeti robot zombies trying to walk up the stairs.
action: You break the east door
response: You smash the door to pieces with your fists.

You hear the clamor of two yeti robot zombies trying to walk up the stairs.
action: Go east
response: A doorway leads west. Stairs go up.
action: Up
response: A small flat roof above/on the side of a large military base in the mountains. Stairs go down. You can enter a chopper to the north. In all other directions is a long drop.
action: Go north
response: There is a control panel here. The only thing interesting about it at the moment is the big button that starts the chopper. It is going to take several minutes to start up the chopper. You can leave south.
action: Go outside
response: The fat yeti robot zombie blocks the way.

The yeti robot zombies shake their heads from side to side, roaring.

You hear the hum of the chopper starting up.
action: Look around
response: There is a control panel here. The only thing interesting about it at the moment is the big button that starts the chopper. You have pushed it, and you can hear the chopper starting up. You can leave south.

You can see a thin yeti robot zombie and a fat yeti robot zombie here.
action: You talk to fat
response: You have no idea about how to communicate with a yeti robot zombie.

The yeti robot zombies roar. Then they try to hit you. You just manage to jump to the side instead of being sliced to small chunks. Then the yeti robot zombies roar some more.

You hear the hum of the chopper starting up.
action: You talk to phone
response: You speak into the phone "What was I supposed to do?"
Hansen says "Upstairs you will find two doors. It doesn't matter which one you take, both will lead to a roof. On each roof there will be a helicopter. Fly it to Drammen."

While roaring, the yeti robot zombies continue to try and hit you with their claws. You realize they are going to succeed real soon. BETTER DO SOMETHING!

You hear the hum of the chopper starting up.
action: You shoot fat
response: "I'll show you how to lose some weight, REAL QUICK!" you shout. A plasma beam evaporates the fat yeti robot zombie. Four shots left.

The thin yeti robot zombie roars.

You hear the hum of the chopper starting up.
action: You shoot thin
response: "You found the wrong guy to mess with!" you say. A plasma beam evaporates the thin yeti robot zombie. Three shots left.

After waiting a while the chopper takes off.

A couple of hours later you speak into the phone: "Ok, I am now flying over Drammen."
"You are doing great. The headquarters of the evil boss is in a new building. It's the tallest one in Drammen, close to the middle of the city. Can you see it?"
"Yes."

It must be over a hundred stories tall, and it easily dwarfs any of the other buildings. On the sides it has huge neon pentagrams. On the roof is a 30-meter tall statue of a yeti robot zombie.

"Be careful." says General Hansen. "There are rumors that the closest servants of the evil boss are a group of Satanists!"
"Holy crap!"
"Indeed. They are very deadly in combat. And don't think for a minute that you can reason with them. They are at least as dangerous as the yeti robot zombies."
"Understood."

You fly closer to the building. You notice that the eyes of the statue of the yeti robot zombie are moving. They are following your chopper!

The statues mouth opens. A rocket shoots out, straight towards you! You steer the chopper down. You avoid a full hit. Instead the rocket explodes against the propeller. The chopper is going down fast!

Frantically, you steer the chopper towards the building. It smashes into, and goes halfway through, the roof! The impact makes the chopper door open, and you fall out! You land painfully on the floor below.

Groaning, you slowly get up. You look around.

You are on the west side of large black hall. Above you the chopper is sticking halfway through the ceiling. You can go east.

On the east side of the hall you can see the following:
A large red metal barrel stands on the floor. On it is written, in large black letters: "DANGER! HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE!" A yeti robot zombie stands on one side of the barrel, a man on the other. He is wearing a hooded brown robe, which conceals his face. For some reason the yeti robot zombie shows no sign of wanting to attack the man. A doorway leads north.

The man says "Ah, excellent. Another sacrifice to our master. But first a prayer." He begins to mutter something in Latin.
action: You check your inventory
response: You have a plasma rifle (with three shots left) and a cell phone.
action: You look
response: You are on the west side of large black hall. Above you the chopper is sticking halfway through the ceiling. You can go east.

On the east side of the hall you can see the following:
A large red metal barrel stands on the floor. On it is written, in large black letters: "DANGER! HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE!" A yeti robot zombie stands on one side of the barrel, a man on the other. He is wearing a hooded brown robe, which conceals his face. For some reason the yeti robot zombie shows no sign of wanting to attack the man. A doorway leads north.
action: Pray
response: Nothing practical results from your prayer.

The man continues to mutter something in Latin.
action: You shoot barrel
response: "I love me some good fireworks!" you shout. The plasma beam hits the barrel and the barrel explodes. The man and the yeti robot zombie get thrown through the air in opposite directions. Both smash into a wall. Sparks start shooting out from all over the body of the yeti robot zombie, and then it explodes into nothing. The man slides down on the floor, dead. Two shots left.

Happily you speak into the phone "Hey general Hansen! I just killed my fist human!"
"I am proud of you, boy. When I argh. Blahaghr. Grablahaharghragghrablagragh. Glb."
"General Hansen? GENERAL HANSEN?!"
There is no answer. You realize he has bled to death. You look up and shout in anger: "CURSE YOU EVIL BOSS!"
action: You take the robe
response: You are too far away.
action: You go east
response: You are on the east side of a large black hall. You can go west. A doorway leads north. The corpse of a man lies on the floor. He is wearing a hooded brown robe, which conceals his face.

On the west side of the hall you can see the following:
The chopper is sticking halfway through the ceiling.

Suddenly you hear humming from the north. After a while you recognize the tune. It's a Metallica song! That means there must be another Satanist through the north doorway!
action: You take the robe
response: You take the robe. The dead guy doesn't look familiar.

You hear more satanic humming from the north.
action: You wear the robe
response: You put on the brown robe. Your face is hidden in the shadow of the hood.

You hear more satanic humming from the north.
action: You go north
response: A man stands here. He is wearing a black robe, without a hood. He has tall white hair. Doorways lead south and north.

The man nods at you.
action: Go north
response: A man sits behind a desk, on one of them office chairs with little wheels. He is wearing a suit and a tie. He must be the boss! A steaming cup of coffee stands on the desk. A heavy-looking bookshelf stands against a wall, close to the desk. The shelf reaches almost to the ceiling. It is filled with old, black tomes. Directly behind the man is a large window going from floor to ceiling. Outside is Drammen. A doorway leads south.

The man says "First of all, do not think for a moment that your disguise will work against me. Secondly, welcome to my humble abode."
action: You throw the coffee on him
response: "You should be careful; coffee can be DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH!" you shout grabbing the scalding coffee and throwing it at the man's head. Screaming he clutches at his face. He stands up, and stumbles backwards. He hits the window. It breaks and he falls through. You run over to the window and look down. The man is screaming and falling downwards in slow motion. He lands with a wet thud against the pavement.

"He is dead." you think.

The body transforms. The horns grow longer, tentacles shoots out from its head, and his shoes and pants burst as his legs grow huge and round like the legs of an elephant. He uses his tentacles to climb up the wall; they must have suckers on them. Soon he is at the window. He has to bend his head forward to get through, his horns are so long. He no longer looks remotely human. The boss sits down on his chair behind the desk.

A tentacle shoots out and grabs the empty cup from your hand. The tentacle crumbles the cup and throws it out the window.

The man says "I will enjoy killing such a worthy opponent."
action: You look at your surroundings
response: A man sits behind a desk, on one of them office chairs with little wheels. He is wearing a suit and a tie. He must be the boss! He has green skin, long horns and long claws. Also: elephant legs and tentacles. Directly behind the man is a large broken window going from floor to ceiling. Outside is Drammen. A doorway leads south.
action: Go downwards
response: You walk down, manage to sneak past a few Satanists and you are out.