Smoochiepoodle and the Bastion of Science
by Carolyn VanEseltine (2011)


action: %
response: HNNNgnnngn-*  "Huh... hello?"

"Oh, you're awake! I've been calling and calling, I thought you'd never pick up!"

"Wha... wha is... wha... smoochiepoodle, is that you? Why're you... on phone?"

"Oh, don't be such a silly, lovepuffin! Is your head better? You didn't drink anywhere near enough water. I told you to drink more water, it's just the best, and it doesn't make you jitter the way that awful coffee you drink does."

"Head is... no. Head is awful. Very awful."

"Oh, poor puffin. Well, after you passed out, I thought it would be SO much easier to just pop over to your flat and get your credit card for the trip -"

"MY flat? You're at MY flat? You can't be at MY flat. It's not... not good. Dangerous. Very dangerous bad. Shouldn... be there.
Might get hurt."

"Pish tosh, your housekeeping can't be that bad. Well ANYway, I was calling to find out where you kept your spare key, but it's no problem at all! I just found it right under the doormat! You shouldn't keep it there, puffin pookie, all sorts of unsavory sorts can get in if you do, everyone knows about that. It's true, the Globe said so. ANYway - ugh, this door sticks -"

"No no no! Don' go in there! I'll come, wait for -"

"Too late, puffy feathers, if I can just get - bah, stupid door. Oh, that worked! Peachy puffin, did you know that your door opens much better if you just kick it good before you pull?"

"YES. Now, smoochiepoodle -"

"Oh, don't worry your little scientific head about a thing. Just tell me where your credit card is, and I'll be out again in two flips of a tail... not YOUR tail, of course, that takes far longer to flip!
Tee!"

"Uhhhhh...."

A Disaster in the Making (AKA SpeedJacket IF 4 Entry) by Carolyn VanEseltine

"I'm a bit confused... my head. Smoochiepoodle, what do you see right now?"

"Just think about the fun we'll have in Jamaica, kissy beak. It's awful cluttery in here... no, don't fuss so, it's true. How do you get around anywhere? I'd clean this up so fast for you, you shouldn't have to live like this. I see your desk and your fridge and a table and a robot looking thing over by the door, I guess that's your bathroom door, why's it shining that light on those frozen peas? And these are... uh... oh, fish! It's really nice you have fish, though you should scrub out their tank. Ugh, green stuff.

"I thought your card would just be lying out on the desk, that's what most people do when they forgot a credit card, but I don't see it at all. What should I do?

"Also, do you really think that fish tank matches the decor?"
action: Yes
response: "Yes, I do think the fish tank matches the wallpaper, thank you ever so much."

"Don't take it hard, pretty bird - everyone's got their little flaws. Yours might be... a little bigger... but I still love you awfully lots.

"Oh, your robot looking thing just stopped shining that blue light on the peas. That's probably good. They might defrost in all that light.

"What should I do now, honey beak?"
action: You look
response: "Smoochiepoodle, what do you see right now?"

"Your head must hurt so bad, fuzzy puffin, I feel so sorry for you! It's awful cluttery in here... I see your desk and your fridge and a table and a robot looking thing over by the door, I guess that's your bathroom door, why's it shining that light on those frozen peas? And these are... uh... oh, fish! It's really nice you have fish, though you should scrub out their tank. Ugh, green stuff.

"That robot looking thing is blinking a light at me! That's so cute!

"What should I do now, pretty bird?"
action: You look at the robot
response: "Smoochiepoodle, would you please try examining the robot?"

"Your robot looking thing is blinking at me. It's cuter than I realized. Hi, robot!"

"*Voice Not Authorized*"

"Well FINE, be that way. Hmph.

"Oh, it's making a humming noise! Can you hear that? I'll hold up the phone - "

"*Targeting Mode Activated - Identify Yourself Intruder*"

"What should I do now, fuzzy wings?"
action: Shoot
response: "Please try answering the robot that "shoot"."

There is no reply.

"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, snuggle beak, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: No
response: "No, I guess the desk doesn't match the wallpaper, but that wasn't really my first thought when I got it, smoochiepoodle."

"It wasn't? Whatever were you thinking?"

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a desk?"

"Oh poodgy feathers, that's just like you. It comes from working too hard, I'm sure.

"Oh, your robot looking thing just stopped shining that blue light on the peas. That's probably good. They might defrost in all that light.

"What should I do now, poodgy puffin?"
action: You examine the peas
response: "Try examining the frozen peas."

"Oh! You didn't even say please! My heart is all hurt, pretty bird!"

"Would you PLEASE try examining the frozen peas?"

"Bad enough you're eating them frozen, but why didn't you get on-brand? "Epsilon Eridani Specimen" might sound imported to you, but I tell you it's just Illinois trash food, and they probably use chemicals.

"That robot looking thing is blinking a light at me! That's so cute!

"What should I do now, kissy puffin?"
action: You identify yourself
response: "Poor poodgy puffin, I don't understand what you want me to do at all. Your head must be hurting awfully."
action: You give phone to the robot
response: "Oh fine! Be a mean kissy beak, talk to the robot thingie instead of me. See if I care."

"Oh, it's making a humming noise! Can you hear that? I'll hold up the phone - "

"*Targeting Mode Activated - Identify Yourself Intruder*"

"*Awaiting Instructions - Authorized Voice Only*"
action: You deactivate
response: "*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, fuzzy wings? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, poodgy feathers, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: Hello
response: "*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, pretty bird? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, pretty bird, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: Off
response: "*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, poodgy feathers? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, poodgy feathers, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: Hello
response: "*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, poodgy feathers? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, fluffy beak, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: Hello
response: "Poor fluffy beak, I don't understand what you want me to do at all. Your head must be hurting awfully."
action: You turn off
response: (the piranhas)
"*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, poodgy feathers? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, poodgy feathers, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: You turn off
response: (the piranhas)
"*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - I Am Sorry, But I Do Not Understand Your Command*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, kissy beak? Did you like talking to your robot thing?
"Oh, your robot thing has light-ups on its fingers! Oh, snuggle puffin, that's so cute! Now it's pointing at me - I think it wants to shake ha -"
action: You ask Robot,  to wait
response: The robot has better things to do.
action: You turn off robot
response: "*Authorized Voice Accepted - Hello Doctor - Obedience And Compliance - Powering Down Now*"

"Ugh, give me that, you big hunk of metal! Are you there, kissy puffin? Did you like talking to your robot thing? I hope so, because
action: You shoot robot
response: it doesn't look very talkative now. Did you say something it didn't like?

"What should I do now, fuzzy wings?"

"Try answering the robot that "shoot robot"."

"Oh! You didn't even say please! My heart is all hurt, honey puffin!"

"Would you PLEASE try answering the robot that "shoot robot"?"

There is no reply.

"Funny - the peas bag is sort of... shredding, I guess. I think there's something moving inside it.

"What should I do now, snuggle beak?"
action: You put the peas in the tank
response: "I need you to listen to me very carefully and do just what I say."

"But honey beak, don't I always?"

"Smoochiepoodle, this is absolutely important. Put the frozen peas into the fish tank, right away."

"Oh fine. Sploosh sploosh, there they g - oh my god."

"What? What?

"Smoochiepoodle? Talk to me, curvy nose, please?"

"It... it was... what WAS that? The fish were all over them, all the teeth and the black stuff and the... it almost looked like a FACE, fuzzy wings, it was just so awful...."

Please come back. My head is killing me and I need you to please not look around the apartment any more. I need you to come cuddle me."

"I... I can do that. I'll just close the door right now.... Okay, I'm coming back now. Your place is all locked up and safe."

"Smoochiepoodle, I am so, so sorry you had to see that. But it should have taught you a valuable lesson."

"Lesson? What lesson?"

"Well, did you see the label on the fish tank?"

"The one that said "Chance?"

"Yes, that's the one. And that's the lesson I need you to take away, because all I just said is... give peas to Chance.

"Hello? Hello? ...Are you still there? Hello?"
action: You wait
response: "Please try waiting."

Time passes.

There's something inside  that bag of peas - I can see it a bit now, it's black and wriggly -"

"Smoochiepoodle, listen to me very carefully. I want you to - "

"The bag is shredding all the way, I can see something crawling out. It looks a bit like - its FACE! THAT FACE! Its - AGGGHHHHHHHHHgggglrgle...."

"No! Smoochiepoodle! Talk to me! TALK TO ME! NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!"