Raising the Flag on Mount Yo Momma
by Juhana Leinonen (2010)
Genres: Humor

Gus is a smug numbskull who doesn't deserve to have the insult battle championship. You are here to take the title from him with the best yo momma insults there are. You just have to find them first. Raising the Flag on Mount Yo Momma is heavy on puzzles and the average playtime is at around 2-3 hours.

action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat when they take aerial photos they have to ask her to move out of the way!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so ugly because her face is so ugly..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: About yourself
response: This is it. You're here to win the insult battle championship, and you're ready for it. Maybe.

Your hair is on a tight ponytail and you're wearing the most credible street clothes you own.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You're wearing your street clothes and a track jacket.
action: You look around
response: You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: Go downward
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

It looks as if somebody in a dark corner table to the southeast is making a "come here" gesture.
action: Swallow defeat
response: Gulp.
action: Go southeast
response: Dark corner (SE corner)
The sharp spotlights in this corner of the club create dark and gloomy shadows around the tables.

A mysterious stranger sits behind a table, gesturing you to sit on the chair opposite to him.
action: You sit on the chair
response: "You blew it up there, kid," the stranger says. "Blew it big time."

You feel your cheeks getting red. "Oh yeah? Who are you to judge?"

You're about to get up but he raises his hand. "I speak from experience. But don't worry, kid, I see you have potential. The game is not over yet. I can help you win the championship. If you're up for it."

"Who... Who are you?"

He leans forward into the spotlight and reveals his face. An eyepatch covers the old man's right eye and a wide scar runs below it, from the right temple to the left side of his neck. You jolt backwards, not because of the grotesque sight, but because you recognize him.

It's Joe Mahma.
action: Insult joe
response: "Uh... Yo momma's so fat because she eats a lot..."

"If I insulted you back, you couldn't sleep for months without horrible nightmares," he remarks dryly.

"Joe Mahma! No way!" you gasp.

"I see you know me, kid. Good to know somebody still does."

Of course you know who Joe Mahma is. Everybody knows Joe Mahma. He's a living legend, the infamous grandmaster of Yo Momma insult battles.

"Look, kid, you want my help or not?"
action: Yes
response: "Ok then. Listen carefully. I know and you know you're not ready to take Gus head on. But here's the thing. A sharp tongue is all good and fine but when you really want to knock your opponent off their feet you have to strike hard. And nothing hurts more than truth. You follow me?"

"Not really," you confess.

"Pay attention now! Do some reconnaissance. Dig out some facts and use them against him. When you have enough information, just think of what you have learned and the right insult will come to you. Got it?"

"Snoop around for embarassing facts, draw inspiration from them. Got it."

"That's the spirit! Go for it, kid!"
action: You ask Joe about Gus
response: (To interact with people you can TALK TO them, INSULT them or SHOW things to them.)
action: You talk to Joe
response: "So you want me to snoop around for inspiration?"

"Yes! Find your opponent's soft spots. Once you've found what would really push him off his feet, challenge him again with renewed confidence."
action: You look around
response: Dark corner (SE corner) (on the chair)
The sharp spotlights in this corner of the club create dark and gloomy shadows around the tables.

Joe Mahma sits behind a table holding a cigar.
action: You stand
response: You get off the chair.

Dark corner (SE corner)
The sharp spotlights in this corner of the club create dark and gloomy shadows around the tables.

Joe Mahma sits behind a table holding a cigar.
action: You go west
response: Entrance (southern side)
This is where you enter and leave the club.

A bouncer is standing next to the door with his arms crossed.

You spot a thermostat mounted on the wall next to the doors.
action: You go northwest
response: (In addition to using the compass directions you can move around the club by simply typing the name of the location where you want to go, or a name of a person in the location. You can also see the list of all locations by commanding MAP.)

Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

A dubious-looking guy is leaning on the counter.
action: You look at thermostat
response: The thermostat has only two settings: warm and cool. It's currently in the "cool" position.
action: You set the thermostat to warm
response: "Hey! Keep your hands off that!" the bouncer shouts. "With this amount of people here they would sweat their clothes off if the air conditioning wouldn't keep them cooled!"
action: You hit the bouncer
response: Probably not a good idea. He's scrawny for a bouncer, but you're no muscleman either.
action: Go west
response: (In addition to using the compass directions you can move around the club by simply typing the name of the location where you want to go, or a name of a person in the location. You can also see the list of all locations by commanding MAP.)

Arcade corner (SW corner)
In this corner of the club there's a collection of arcade machines. This is where all the tough kids like to hang out.

Speaking of tough kids, Vincent is hacking away on one of the machines.

There's a tall plant standing in the corner.
action: You examine the plant
response: It's possibly some sort of small palm tree, creating atmosphere.
action: You look at Vincent
response: Vincent is a bully. There's nothing that makes him happier than beating up people, and that's the only thing he's good at.
action: You talk to Vincent
response: There's really nothing to discuss with Vincent. It's a small miracle he can form even basic sentences.
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so fat she weighs a lot."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

Good ol' Vincent. No matter how lame the insult, you can count on him getting agitated.

?
action: You talk to Vincent
response: Better not use that many words. Anything above one word is probably too much for Vincent's pea-brain to understand.

?
action: You examine the arcade
response: "You're just joking, right?" he says and shoves you off before turning to the arcade machine again.

You recognize some of the names: Bubble Bobble, Pong, Zork, Tetris. Really old stuff. Vincent is fervously bashing the keys of something called 'Escapade!'.
action: Bouncer
response: (To interact with people you can TALK TO them, INSULT them or SHOW things to them.)
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so fat she has a lot of weight."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: Gus
response: "I don' believe ya, punk. Gus and I are friends, he wouln' say that 'bout my momma."
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so stupid that she's dumb."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: Bouncer
response: Vincent looks like he's thinking hard, even though that's unlikely. "I can't go beatin' the staff. They would kick me out and I couldn't finish my game," he concludes and lets you go.
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so ugly that people say she doesn't look good."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: Joe
response: "Who? I don' know 'im. Yer just yankin' my leg," he says and drops you down.
action: Go north
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

A dubious-looking guy is leaning on the counter.
action: You examine dubious
response: The dubious-looking guy is an obnoxious mix of overconfidence and desperation in its mid-30s. He wears a cheap white suit with large collars and matching shoes. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway down showcasing an uneven patch of chest hair. A thick layer of grease keeps his hair combed back.

The guy notices you looking at him and flashes a bleached smile.

"Well hello there sparkly-eyes!" the guy says. "My name is Sleazeball McDouchebag, but you can call me Sleaze."

(That's not what he actually says, but that's what your brain hears.)
action: Insult Sleaze
response: "Ooh, I love it when women talk dirty! Let me have it, girl!"
action: You buy the drink
response: Which do you mean, the cola, the tonic, the gin, the wine, the beer, or the vodka?
action: You hit him
response: *slap*

"Ooh, feisty! Show me your claws, tiger girl!"
action: You buy the vodka
response: You don't have any money. Besides it's very hard to get a drink without papers here.
action: You talk to the barkeep
response: "Sorry, too busy to chat," the barkeep says and moves on to the next customer.
action: You read poster
response: "Watch out! Don't leave your drink unguarded!" It has a picture of a boogey man dropping a skull-marked pill into a cocktail glass.
action: You talk to the guy
response: (the Sleaze)
"How old are you, angelface?"

"Sevent--"

"Twenty-one, eh? Perfect." He pulls mouthspray from his pocket and squirts it five or six times in his mouth.
action: Dance
response: You bust a few moves.
action: Go north
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

A guard is making sure no-one without a pass gets in.

Britney, the bimbo girlfriend of Gus, sits on a couch looking bored.
action: You look at Britney
response: Britney and Gus are a perfect match. He's full of hot air and her head is full of air. She sits there in her tiny tiny skirt and top looking like a circus clown in her face plastered with makeup.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "Ma'am, this area is off limits for anyone without a VIP pass," the guard says when you try to approach Britney.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You're wearing your street clothes and a track jacket.
action: You talk to the guard
response: "On duty. Can't talk," the guard says bluntly.
action: You look at the jacket
response: The track jacket is the latest craze. Everybody who's somebody has to have one. It's way oversized, just like it should be.
action: You examine the street clothes
response: You express your individuality by wearing baggy hip-hop clothes, just like everyone else.
action: You go east
response: When you feel you're ready to challenge Gus again you can CLIMB ON STAGE.
action: Go southeast
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

Norbert is standing here near the dance floor.
action: You look at Norbert
response: Norbert is, to be blunt, a nerd. He's swaying there in his striped collar shirt, just too short pants and glasses with lenses thicher than his legs. What he's doing here is anybody's guess.
action: Insult norbert
response: "Yo momma's so fat and stupid!"

"El oh el! I see what you did there!"

If you can't taunt even Norbert, you're really in a big trouble.
action: Go west
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.
action: Arcade
response: Arcade corner (SW corner)
In this corner of the club there's a collection of arcade machines. This is where all the tough kids like to hang out.

Speaking of tough kids, Vincent is hacking away on one of the machines.

There's a tall plant standing in the corner.
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so poor she doesn't have any money."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: Norbert
response: "That pencilneck? He'll eat through a straw for a month," Vincent says and storms to the dance floor.

He goes straight to Norbert, exchanges a few words and starts to slap him around. The bouncer sees this and leaves his post to cool things down.
action: Entrance
response: Entrance (southern side)
This is where you enter and leave the club.

You spot a thermostat mounted on the wall next to the doors.
action: You set the thermostat to warm
response: You turn the thermostat to "warm".
action: Go northeast
response: Hall of Fame (eastern side)
Just being here makes your heart beat faster. The walls are adorned by portraits of past champions, each of them a part of great history.

Ralph, one of Gus's goons, is sitting here with a satchel.

An old jukebox sits under the pictures.
action: You look at Ralph
response: Ralph is one of those dungbeetles who cling onto Gus for hopes that his fame would somehow rub off and transfer onto them. He must have some task, otherwise he wouldn't be so far away from his hero.

Looks like the commotion on the dance floor is dying down.
action: You talk to Ralph
response: "What's going on, Ralph?"

"Get lost, squirt. There's nothing here for you," he says.
action: You examine the satchel
response: You recognize Gus's satchel. Or man-purse, as you like to call it.
action: You open the satchel
response: "Hey, you little twerp! Get away from Gus's bag!" Ralph shouts.
action: You examine the jukebox
response: The jukebox looks like a retro vinyl player but under the hood it plays MP3s like everything else. The machine controls all the music playing in the club, so when somebody chooses a new song, the whole club has to listen to that.

The buttons are labeled "rap", "r&b", "jazz", "rock", "techno", and something that has most of the letters scraped off, leaving only "ass". The button labeled "rap" is currently selected.

The jukebox is operated by inserting coins into the slot.
action: You press the ass
response: The button refuses to budge. The machine must require a coin to be inserted first.
action: You look under jukebox
response: (searching the jukebox)
On the back side of the jukebox you find a knob.
action: You look at the knob
response: The knob is apparently for adjusting the volume of the music being played. It can be set to low, medium or high. At the moment it's set on medium.
action: You turn the knob to high
response: You turn the music up.
action: You listen
response: Some rap is playing at ear-pearcing volume.
action: Search machines
response: You scoop up a good handful of coins from the coin return slots of the machines. Good thing Vincent is not brainy enough to collect his rejected coins.
action: Hall of Fame
response: Hall of Fame (eastern side)
Just being here makes your heart beat faster. The walls are adorned by portraits of past champions, each of them a part of great history.

Ralph, one of Gus's goons, is sitting here with a satchel.

An old jukebox sits under the pictures.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a handful of coins, and wearing your street clothes and a track jacket.
action: You examine the coins
response: You have a handful of coins, straight from the depths of a sofa.
action: You put the coin in the jukebox
response: The coin tumbles inside the machine.
action: You press the ass
response: You push the "ass" button and a smoothing classical symphony starts playing. The "rap" button pops back up.

"What the... Who changed the music?" Ralph shouts and gets up the chair. "Get away from the jukebox, you twerp!"
action: You take the satchel
response: Ralph would notice you walking away with the bag.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.
action: You open satchel
response: You open the satchel, revealing some books and a wallet.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.

"Hey, are you messing with Gus's bag? Get out of here, twerp!" Ralph says and pushes you away.
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.
action: You press the ass
response: You push the "classical" button and a smoothing classical symphony starts playing. The "jazz" button pops back up.

"What the... Who changed the music?" Ralph shouts and gets up the chair. "Get away from the jukebox, you twerp!"
action: You search the satchel
response: You can't see inside, since the satchel is closed.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.
action: You turn the knob to the quiet
response: The knob doesn't have that setting.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.
action: You examine the knob
response: The knob is apparently for adjusting the volume of the music being played. It can be set to low, medium or high. At the moment it's set on high.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.
action: You examine rap button
response: The button is labeled "rap".
action: You take the rap button
response: That seems to be a part of the jukebox controls.
action: You set knob to low
response: You turn the music down.
action: You open satchel
response: You open the satchel, revealing some books and a wallet.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.

"Hey, are you messing with Gus's bag? Get out of here, twerp!" Ralph says and pushes you away.
action: Go north
response: Artist hangout (NE corner)
The people who are performing in the club usually hang around here by the stage.

Gus stands here chatting with his posse.

A massive loudspeaker is booming tunes next to the stage.

"Man, it's really hot in here, dontcha think?" Gus says. His posse nods in unison, competing who can agree most with him. Assflies. He takes his sweater off and hangs it on the back of a nearby chair.
action: You examine the posse
response: When you're famous, you get all kinds of mindless drones following you around doing nothing but sucking up to you. It's so lame and childish. And so unfair that you don't have a posse. Yet.
action: You look at the sweater
response: It's Gus's hooded blue sweater with white decorations. A tag is sewn to it.

For some reason a thought that the tag is somehow important crosses your mind.
action: You look at the tag
response: It's too dark to make out what it says on the tag. It looks important, or at least as important as a clothes tag ever can.
action: You take the tag
response: It's sewn tightly to the sweater.
action: You take the sweater
response: Taken.
action: Floor
response: One of Gus's goons sees you leave and points at you. Gus turns around and sees you with his sweater. "Hey, whatcha think you're doing? That's my shirt, come back with it!" he shouts.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: Artist hangout (NE corner)
The people who are performing in the club usually hang around here by the stage.

Gus stands here chatting with his posse.

A massive loudspeaker is booming tunes next to the stage.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a sweater and a handful of coins, and wearing your street clothes and a track jacket.
action: You examine loudspeaker
response: The loudspeaker booms the tunes in deafening volume. Every bass beat makes the ground tremble slightly.
action: Wear sweater
response: The track jacket is way too big to fit the sweater over it.
action: You remove the jacket
response: You take off the track jacket.
action: Wear sweater
response: You put on the sweater.
action: Floor
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

Norbert is standing here near the dance floor.

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: You look under the table
response: You take off the track jacket.

(searching the table)
You find a fresh wad of bubblegum under the nearest table.
action: You remove the sweater
response: You take off the sweater.
action: You look at the tag
response: It's too dark to make out what it says on the tag. It looks important, or at least as important as a clothes tag ever can.
action: You take the gum
response: You need to scrape it off the table, and you need gloves or a tool to do it. It's too icky to touch with bare hands.

Norbert puts his hand above his eyes as to shield his eyes from the sun, which is somewhat unnecessary during the night in a dim club without windows.
action: You ask Norbert about tag
response: (To interact with people you can TALK TO them, INSULT them or SHOW things to them.)

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: You examine norbert
response: Norbert is, to be blunt, a nerd. He's swaying there in his striped collar shirt, just too short pants and glasses with lenses thicher than his legs.

Poor Norbert's missing the left lens from his glasses.

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: You talk to Norbert
response: "What happened to your glasses?"

"Ah well... it was Vincent, I'm afraid. We had a little quarrel just now and looks like the other ocular of my eyewear was loosened and rolled away," Norbert says.

Norbert searches the table carefully but finds nothing.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

Norbert is standing here near the dance floor.

Norbert searches the table carefully but finds nothing.
action: You examine table
response: There's no food served here so the tables are just for holding drinks.

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: You look under the jukebox
response: (searching the jukebox)
You find nothing of interest.
action: Go west
response: Among others you recognize Missy Maestro, Doc Stockholm, Hetty R, Slick Joe Mittens, and of course Gus, the current champion.

The first portrait seems to be missing.

Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

Norbert is standing here near the dance floor.
action: Corner
response: Which do you mean, the VIP lounge, the Artist hangout, the Arcade corner, or the Dark corner?
action: Dark corner
response: Dark corner (SE corner)
The sharp spotlights in this corner of the club create dark and gloomy shadows around the tables.

Joe Mahma sits behind a table holding a cigar.
action: You talk to Joe
response: "What kind of things should I be looking for?"

"Nothing hurts more than the truth. Find out some facts about Gus's life and craft your insults based on them."
action: You show the sweater to Joe
response: It's too dark to make out what it says on the tag. It looks important, or at least as important as a clothes tag ever can.

"Can you read what it says in the tag?" you ask Joe Mahma. "This is a problem you have to solve by yourself," he zens.
action: You talk to guy
response: (the Sleaze)
"Did you know I make sixty... seventy... a HUNDRED grand a year? Yeah, I'm the number one salesman at the leading automobile sales establishment in the country. In fact, I'm here RIGHT NOW to give you the ride of your life, baby!"

You hold back a gag reflex.
action: You talk to the guy
response: (the Sleaze)
"Hey sweet-lips, can I buy you a drink? Just point at what you want from the menu and" -- he pauses to make a tongue-clicking and akimbo finger guns -- "it's yours."
action: You point at the vodka
response: You point at the vodka in the menu. "Bartender! One vodka!" the Sleaze declares and takes a stack of bills from his pocket. He counts the sum with grand gestures and pays for the drink. The bartender places the vodka on the counter.
action: You examine the vodka
response: Vodka is almost pure alcolhol. The best way to get drunk quickly.
action: You kiss him
response: You. Would. Rather. Die.
action: Go east
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.
action: Go west
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

On the counter is a glass of vodka.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.

Entering the bar you see the Sleaze looking around him, taking something from his jacket pocket and dropping it into the vodka when he thinks no-one is looking. The drink sizzles for a short while and turns back to normal again.
action: You give the vodka to guard
response: He gives the drink a longing look, smacking his dry lips. "Thank you, ma'am, but I have to stay alert," he says.
action: Point at cola
response: You point at the cola in the menu. "Bartender! One cola!" the Sleaze declares and takes a stack of bills from his pocket. He counts the sum with grand gestures and pays for the drink. The bartender places the cola on the counter.
action: Go west
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

On the counter is a glass of cola.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.

Entering the bar you see the Sleaze looking around him, taking something from his jacket pocket and dropping it into the cola when he thinks no-one is looking. The drink sizzles for a short while and turns back to normal again.

"I bet your parents were angels, because I would like to..." the Sleaze says and ends the sentence with a short but vomit-inducing gesture show.
action: You take cola
response: Taken.
action: Vip
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

A guard is making sure no-one without a pass gets in.

Britney, the bimbo girlfriend of Gus, sits on a couch looking bored.
action: You give the cola to guard
response: "Thank you, ma'am! I appreciate this," the guard says and takes the glass. He empties it in a single draw.

"This is... strange..." he says, and falls straight on a couch. You're worried for a moment that he might be more than just asleep, but you can see him breathing peacefully in his slumber.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "Hello, Britney."

"Hel-lo, Jen," she says without bothering to look at you.
action: Keep going
response: "How did you get into the VIP lounge?"

"That's like the most stupidest question e-ver," she says with her annoying nasal voice. "I'm like the main star's gee ef, and you very well know it."
action: You talk to Britney
response: "Wanna talk about Gus?"

"Like, why should I want to?" she gushes. "Gus get's like really pissed off if I accidentally go telling something I shouldn't. I usually don't, not unless I'm like totally wasted, but still."
action: You check your inventory
response: You're carrying a glass of spiced vodka, a sweater, a handful of coins, and a track jacket, and wearing your street clothes.
action: You point at the vodka
response: You point at the spiced vodka. Nothing happens.

"I bet your parents were angels, because I would like to..." the Sleaze says and ends the sentence with a short but vomit-inducing gesture show.
action: Go east
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.
action: You drop the vodka
response: It's better not to leave the drugged drink anywhere. Someone might accidentally take it and you don't want to be responsible for that.
action: You put vodka in the plant
response: (first taking the plant)
That's fixed in place.
action: You drink vodka
response: No way! You'd probably be knocked out cold!
action: Bar
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.
action: You give the vodka to the bartender
response: The barkeep takes the drink and throws it away.
action: You point at the vodka
response: You point at the vodka in the menu. "Bartender! One vodka!" the Sleaze declares and takes a stack of bills from his pocket. He counts the sum with grand gestures and pays for the drink. The bartender places the vodka on the counter.
action: Vip
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

The guard is lying passed out on one of the sofas.

Britney, the bimbo girlfriend of Gus, sits on a couch looking bored.
action: You give drink to Britney
response: "I only take drinks from my friends," Britney sneers. "Gus says it's dangerous to accept drinks from strangers."

At the last moment you decide not to do that.
action: You drop the drink
response: You put the vodka on the table.
action: Vip
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

The guard is lying passed out on one of the sofas.

Britney, the bimbo girlfriend of Gus, sits on a couch looking bored.

Someone has already snatched the drink you left here.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "C'mon, Britney. Let's talk about Gus, only for a little while. I'm... uh, really curious about him."

"No way! I only talk about my boyfriend with my friends. And we're not friends, Jen."
action: You look under the sofa
response: (searching the sofas)
Among other assorted crap fallen from people's pockets like candy wrappers and used paper tissues you find a VIP pass.
action: You look at the pass
response: The pass allows for the person holding it to enter the VIP lounge. Not that it's that useful now when the lounge guard is out of the picture.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a VIP pass, a sweater, a handful of coins, and a track jacket, and wearing your street clothes.
action: You give the pass to Sleaze
response: "Care for a pass for the VIP lounge?" you ask and wave the pass in front of the Sleaze. "Would I!" he says delighted. "The rich and the idle are just waiting for a knight in white armor to come save them from boredom," he says, grabs the pass and heads to the lounge.
action: You go north
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

The Sleaze sits on the couch with Britney who is doing her best to ignore him.

The guard is lying passed out on one of the sofas.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "C'mon, Britney. Let's talk about Gus, only for a little while. I'm... uh, really curious about him."

"No way! I only talk about my boyfriend with my friends. And we're not friends, Jen."

"Hey there, sister. You look like you would need a man in your life," the Sleaze suggests to Britney. "Get lost creep," Britney says.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "C'mon, Britney. Let's talk about Gus, only for a little while. I'm... uh, really curious about him."

"No way! I only talk about my boyfriend with my friends. And we're not friends, Jen."
action: You examine Sleaze
response: The Sleaze is an obnoxious mix of overconfidence and desperation in its mid-30s. He wears a cheap white suit with large collars and matching shoes. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway down showcasing an uneven patch of chest hair. A thick layer of grease keeps his hair combed back.

He's currently working hard to have Britney notice himself.

"Nice outfit," the Sleaze says to Britney. "It'll look good on my bedroom floor." She tries to tug her skirt hem lower with little success.
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.
action: Hall of Fame
response: Hall of Fame (eastern side)
Just being here makes your heart beat faster. The walls are adorned by portraits of past champions, each of them a part of great history.

Ralph, one of Gus's goons, is sitting here with a satchel.

An old jukebox sits under the pictures.
action: You talk to Gus
response: "Beat it, kid. We don't have anything to talk about."
action: You look at Gus
response: Gus, the insult battle champion. He's not that tough. You could beat him, if you were a little bit more well prepared...
action: Bar
response: One of Gus's goons sees you leave and points at you. Gus turns around and sees you with his sweater. "Hey, whatcha think you're doing? That's my shirt, come back with it!" he shouts.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a sweater, a handful of coins, and a track jacket, and wearing your street clothes.
action: Wear sweater
response: You put on the sweater.
action: Bar
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.
action: You search guard
response: In the guard's pocket you find a taser.
action: You look at the taser
response: The hand-held stunning device looks impressive.

The Sleaze tries to wrap his arm around Britney but she slaps his hand away.
action: You tase Sleaze
response: (with the taser)
You pull the taser from your pocket. "Well hello, beautiful," the Sleaze says and turns to you. "I was just talking with your friend here. I was thnking all three of us could go to my place and" *kZap* "OH my dear GOD WHAT the" *kZap* "that really HURTS" *kZap* "no NOT THERE PLEASE" *kZap* *kZap*

The Sleaze staggers away, smoke rising from his head. His limbs twitch as he stumbles back to the bar.

"Oh wow, Jen. That's really sweet of you!" Britney stands up and gives you an awkward hug. "I think we could be like really good friends, Jen!"
action: You talk to Britney
response: "So, now that we're friends, how about we talk about, say, Gus?"

"I don't know, Jen. Can't we talk about something more important, like makeup or something?"
action: Continue
response: "No, really, let's talk about Gus. What's his mother like?"

"Yeah, uh... Well, I shouldn't really like talk about that. Gus has said that it might hurt him, somehow. I dunno."
action: Bar
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.
action: You give the vodka to Britney
response: "I can't like drink any booze, Jen! Gus says I tend to blurt out stuff I shouldn't say when I'm drunk," Britney says.
action: You go to the south
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.
action: Point at coke
response: You point at the cola in the menu. "Bartender! One cola!" the Sleaze declares and takes a stack of bills from his pocket. He counts the sum with grand gestures and pays for the drink. The bartender places the cola on the counter.
action: You take the coke
response: Taken.

"I bet your parents were angels, because I would like to..." the Sleaze says and ends the sentence with a short but vomit-inducing gesture show.
action: You pour the vodka into the coke
response: You pour the vodka into the cola and create black vodka cola.
action: You give cola to Britney
response: "Thanks Jen! It's, like, cola? Right?"

"Uh, yeah. It's like cola," you say.

"Ok, great!" She takes a gulp of the drink. "You know, Jen, we're like, we're like, we're like the BESTESTEST frriends EVER!" she stammers. Worst. Alcohol tolerance. Ever.
action: You talk to Britney
response: "Oh, hi Jen! We're just the bestest bee ef efs, aren't we?" She speaks fast and short segments, like a machine gun firing bursts of stupid. "I should like totally do your hair sometime, do you know this totally awesome conditioner..."

"...and then I was totally like, 'Like, are you like totally...'"

"...then we went for a burger and I said like, 'You know like how many calories those things have like?'..."

"...and we went to the aquarium, and Gus's mom just had to drag along..."

What? You snap out of the torpor your brain had induced to prevent any permanent damage. "What's that about Gus's momma?"

"Yeah, it was kinda drag but kinda funny too when she accidentally slipped into the dolphin pool. But scary too. Anyway, I had this totally cool sweater on I bought the other day and..."

That's it! That would like totally work! Er... gah, must get out of here before your wits are completely corrupted.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a taser and a handful of coins, and wearing a sweater, your street clothes, and a track jacket.
action: Floor
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.
action: You look at the rose
response: The compass rose painted on the ceiling makes it easy to know your bearings. You are now at the center of the club.
action: You examine the gum
response: The gum is moist and sticky.
action: You take the sweater
response: You already have that.
action: You look under the plant
response: (searching the plant)
You find nothing of interest.
action: You look under the machines
response: (searching the arcade machines)
There's nothing to find from the machines.
action: Tase vincent
response: (with the taser)
Vincent doesn't deserve zapping.
action: Go east
response: Entrance (southern side)
This is where you enter and leave the club.

A bouncer is standing next to the door with his arms crossed.

You spot a thermostat mounted on the wall next to the doors.
action: Tase bouncer
response: (with the taser)
The bouncer doesn't deserve zapping.
action: You tase yourself
response: (with the taser)
The situation is not that dire yet.
action: Go east
response: Dark corner (SE corner)
The sharp spotlights in this corner of the club create dark and gloomy shadows around the tables.

Joe Mahma sits behind a table holding a cigar.
action: You look under the table
response: (searching the corner table)
There is nothing on the corner table.
action: You talk to Joe
response: "Will you teach me the crane kick now?"

"Don't be daft, girl."
action: Hall of Fame
response: Hall of Fame (eastern side)
Just being here makes your heart beat faster. The walls are adorned by portraits of past champions, each of them a part of great history.

Norbert is here, busy searching his missing lens.

Ralph, one of Gus's goons, is sitting here with a satchel.

An old jukebox sits under the pictures.

Norbert goes west.
action: You look under the jukebox
response: (searching the jukebox)
You find nothing of interest.
action: Search
response: What do you want to search?
action: Norbert
response: Dance floor (center of the club)
This is the center of the Compass Club. Most people don't orient themselves in relation to compass directions, but here it's more than natural. A huge compass rose is painted to the ceiling and the abbreviations of cardinal directions are painted on the walls.

To north there's the stage where you can challenge Gus by just climbing on to it. The club continues in every other direction.

Norbert is standing here near the dance floor.
action: You talk to Norbert
response: "Where do you think the lens went?"

"Oh, it could be anywhere! Most likely it rolled under something."

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: You look under the stage
response: (searching the stage)
You find nothing of interest.
action: You look under the chalkboard
response: (searching the drinks menu)
The drinks menu is out of reach.

The Sleaze dry-humps a bar stool.
action: You look under the loudspeaker
response: (searching the speaker)
Under the speaker near the wall you spot a bulging glass object. It can't be anything else than the lens from Norbert's glasses!
action: Hangout
response: Artist hangout (NE corner)
The people who are performing in the club usually hang around here by the stage.

A thick lens lies under the loudspeaker, just out of reach.

Gus stands here chatting with his posse.

A massive loudspeaker is booming tunes next to the stage.
action: Press techno
response: You push the "techno" button and a steady stream of low thump-thump-thump beats fill the air. The "rap" button pops back up.
action: Hangout
response: Artist hangout (NE corner)
The people who are performing in the club usually hang around here by the stage.

A thick lens lies under the loudspeaker, just out of reach.

Gus stands here chatting with his posse.

A massive loudspeaker is booming tunes next to the stage.

The loud bass tones make the lens under the speaker bounce up and down. At the same time it moves gradually more and more away from the wall until it's to your reach.
action: You take the lens
response: You reach under the speaker and grab the lens.
action: You look through the lens
response: The world looks distorted through the lens. And huge.
action: You look at tag through the lens
response: Through the lens the text on the tag would be large enough to read, but it's too dark here to make out the letters.

Norbert searches the table carefully but finds nothing.
action: You give the lens to Norbert
response: That's a nice thing to do, but the lens could be useful yet.

Norbert tries to look under the table. "Ow, my back," he complains.
action: Vip
response: VIP lounge (NW corner)
The area is reserved to those with VIP passes. There are cushy red sofas to sit on and you don't have to worry about drunken idiots crashing your table.

The guard is lying passed out on one of the sofas.

Britney, the bimbo girlfriend of Gus, sits on a couch looking bored.
action: You tase Sleaze
response: (with the taser)
You take the taser and thrust it in the Sleaze's ribs. "YeeOW! That's way too kinky for my tastes!"
action: Drink coke
response: You can't drink it.

"I bet your parents were angels, because I would like to..." the Sleaze says and ends the sentence with a short but vomit-inducing gesture show.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a lens, a taser, and a handful of coins, and wearing a sweater, your street clothes, and a track jacket.

The Sleaze licks a toothpick from his martini slowly from end to end, all the while looking you straight in the eyes.
action: Xyzzy
response: "Yo momma's so ugly, xyzzy..." No, that's not gonna work.
action: You talk to Sleaze
response: "Hey sweet-lips, can I buy you a drink? Just point at what you want from the menu and" -- he pauses to make a tongue-clicking and akimbo finger guns -- "it's yours."
action: You get the picture
response: Which do you mean, the Missy Maestro portrait, the Gus portrait, the Doc Stockholm portrait, the Hetty R portrait, the Slick Joe Mittens portrait, or the missing portrait?
action: Gus
response: The Gus portrait is out of reach.
action: You get missy
response: The Missy Maestro portrait is out of reach.
action: You examine missing
response: The first portrait is missing. It used to be the picture of Joe Mahma. The empty frame is a memorial of his defamation.
action: You examine the hetty r.
response: In the picture there's a thin older woman with a scarf around her head. "Hetty had time for the art even with three kids to feed. Just like Yo Momma who has three chins to feed."
action: You look at missy Maestro
response: The portrait is of a serious-looking girl with a collar shirt and blonde hair combed back. Below it reads: "Missy Maestro could command words like an orchestra, but nobody could command Yo Momma away from that third bucket of chicken."
action: You look at Doc Stockholm
response: The guy in the portrait wears a white jacket and rubber gloves. It reads: "Doc could tie your intestines to a knot with a single quip. Too bad for Yo Momma that he isn't a cosmetic surgeon."
action: You look at Slick Joe
response: The picture depicts a young bald guy with tattoos and hip hop clothes. The text says: "Slick Joe had his rhymes and his wits of which he let everyone have their share. Yo Momma has her tub-o-lard and that she never shares."
action: You look at Gus
response: Gus, that smug twit. The inscription reads: "They say to beat Gus in his game is an impossible task, but not as hard as raising a flag on Mount Yo Momma."
action: You get the frame
response: The missing portrait is out of reach.
action: Break gus
response: The Gus portrait is out of reach.
action: You throw taser at Gus
response: Futile.
action: Tase ralph
response: (with the taser)
Ralph doesn't deserve zapping.
action: Go south
response: Are you sure you want to quit?
action: You examine Sleaze
response: The Sleaze is an obnoxious mix of overconfidence and desperation in its mid-30s. He wears a cheap white suit with large collars and matching shoes. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway down showcasing an uneven patch of chest hair. A thick layer of grease keeps his hair combed back.

Norbert arrives from the east.
action: You examine the spotlights
response: The spotlights cover the tables in sharp light and at the same time leaving unlit areas in shadows.
action: You look at the tag
response: It's too dark to make out what it says on the tag. It looks important, or at least as important as a clothes tag ever can.
action: You put sweater on the table
response: (first taking it off)
(first taking off the jacket)
You put the sweater on the corner table. The spotlight lights it brightly.
action: You look at the tag through the lens
response: With sufficient light and magnification you can easily make out what it says on the tag. Washing instructions... wash separately... may release color... made for Cheap-O-Mart...

Wait, Cheap-O-Mart? Where they sell crap and imported knick-knacks to poor people?

Inspiration strikes you like a lightning. Gus, you're going down.
action: Norbert
response: Arcade corner (SW corner)
In this corner of the club there's a collection of arcade machines. This is where all the tough kids like to hang out.

Norbert is here, busy searching his missing lens.

Speaking of tough kids, Vincent is hacking away on one of the machines.

There's a tall plant standing in the corner.

Norbert goes north.
action: You go to the north
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

Norbert is here, busy searching his missing lens.

The Sleaze is leaning on the counter, eyeing you and giving an occasional wink.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.
action: You give the lens to Norbert
response: "I found your missing lens, Norbert."

His eyes light up. "Oh! Oh, thank you! I've been looking everywhere!" He takes the lens, snaps it into the frames and attaches it with a piece of white tape. "Thanks, Jen," he says and prances off.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so old she had a pet dodo!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so fat she has a lot of weight..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: You examine Sleaze
response: The Sleaze is an obnoxious mix of overconfidence and desperation in its mid-30s. He wears a cheap white suit with large collars and matching shoes. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway down showcasing an uneven patch of chest hair. A thick layer of grease keeps his hair combed back.
action: You talk to Sleaze
response: "Hey sweet-lips, can I buy you a drink? Just point at what you want from the menu and" -- he pauses to make a tongue-clicking and akimbo finger guns -- "it's yours."
action: Point at beer
response: You point at the beer in the menu. "Bartender! One beer!" the Sleaze declares and takes a stack of bills from his pocket. He counts the sum with grand gestures and pays for the drink. The bartender places the beer on the counter.
action: You examine the beer
response: It's like liquid bread, so it must be healty.

"Why don't you know who an' you know who go you know where with you know what an' do you know what using you know what?" the Sleaze suggests. You do your best to ignore him.
action: You throw the beer at Sleaze
response: You splash the beer on the Sleaze.

"Playing hard to get is see," the Sleaze winks with the beer dripping down his face.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a glass of beer, a glass of cola, a lens, a taser, a handful of coins, and a track jacket, and wearing your street clothes.
action: You go to the south
response: Arcade corner (SW corner)
In this corner of the club there's a collection of arcade machines. This is where all the tough kids like to hang out.

Norbert is here, busy searching his missing lens.

Speaking of tough kids, Vincent is hacking away on one of the machines.

There's a tall plant standing in the corner.
action: You give the lens to Norbert
response: "I found your missing lens, Norbert."

His eyes light up. "Oh! Oh, thank you! I've been looking everywhere!" He takes the lens, snaps it into the frames and attaches it with a piece of white tape. "Thanks, Jen," he says and prances off.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat when she gets up on the wrong side of the bed it's because she has to use the spare pulley!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so stupid she has a low IQ..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: You talk to Britney
response: She seems to be busy talking, not really paying attention to who is listening. It's unlikely she'll blurt out any more gems.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat when they take aerial photos they have to ask her to move out of the way!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so ugly because her face is so ugly..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: Norbert
response: Arcade corner (SW corner)
In this corner of the club there's a collection of arcade machines. This is where all the tough kids like to hang out.

Norbert is here, busy searching his missing lens.

Speaking of tough kids, Vincent is hacking away on one of the machines.

There's a tall plant standing in the corner.

Norbert searches the plant carefully but finds nothing.
action: Arcade
response: You are already there.
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so ugly that people say she doesn't look good."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: You sleaze
response: "The greasehair over there? He's goin' to be picking his teeth from the floor in about five seconds," Vincent barks and storms into the bar. You witness a gruesome act that includes screaming, punching, and unhealthy amount of excruciating pain. You almost feel sorry for the Sleaze. Almost.

Vincent storms back, shaking his head. "What a weasel," he mutters and returns to his game.
action: Bar
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

The Sleaze is lying face down on the floor.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze picks himself up from the floor and sways back to the counter. "Sheez, I wonder what that guy's problem was," he mutters.
action: You look at Sleaze
response: The Sleaze is an obnoxious mix of overconfidence and desperation in its mid-30s. He wears a cheap white suit with large collars and matching shoes. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway down showcasing an uneven patch of chest hair. A thick layer of grease keeps his hair combed back.
He looks quite ruffled after the Vincent incident.
action: You talk to Sleaze
response: "Hey sweet-lips, can I buy you a drink? Just point at what you want from the menu and" -- he pauses to make a tongue-clicking and akimbo finger guns -- "it's yours."
action: Insult vincent
response: "Hey Vincent," you say. "Word on the street is that yo momma's so fat she weighs a lot."

Vincent stops in his tracks. You can hear gears turning in his head. He turns around, grabs you by the collar and lifts you in the air. "Who's been sayin' that? Talk ya little punk!"

?
action: You sleaze
response: "That smug bastard again? He's goin' to be picking his teeth from the floor in about five seconds," Vincent barks and storms into the bar. You witness a gruesome act that includes screaming, punching, and unhealthy amount of excruciating pain. You almost feel sorry for the Sleaze. Almost.

Vincent storms back, shaking his head. "What a weasel," he mutters and returns to his game.
action: Bar
response: Bar (western side)
A club wouldn't be a club if it didn't have a bar. The selection is written on a chalkboard behind the counter next to an educational poster.

There's a business card lying on the floor.

The Sleaze is lying face down on the floor.

The barkeep is busy serving drinks to thirsty clubbers.

The Sleaze picks himself up from the floor and sways back to the counter. "I guess some people just can't handle my good looks," he mutters.
action: You take the card
response: Taken. The card must have fallen from the Sleaze's pocket when he fell to the ground.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to throw her back into the ocean!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so ugly that people say she doesn't look good..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: You examine the card
response: (first picking it up)
Taken. The card must have fallen from the Sleaze's pocket when he fell to the ground.

It reads "Sleazeball McDouchebag, Junior Sales Assistant, Johnson's Used Cars and Auto Parts."
action: You scrape the gum with the card
response: You scrape the gum off. It's now on the business card.
action: You put the gum on the rap
response: You stick the bubblegum in and around the rap button.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat she bought two tents and a coil of rope to make herself a bikini top!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so stupid she has a low IQ..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: You open satchel
response: You open the satchel, revealing some books and a wallet.

Ralph puts a coin into the jukebox and pushes the rap button.

Ralph returns from the jukebox.

"Hey, are you messing with Gus's bag? Get out of here, twerp!" Ralph says and pushes you away.
action: %
response: "Yo momma's so fat when she gets up on the wrong side of the bed it's because she has to use the spare pulley!"

Your heart is pounding and you find it hard to breathe. You didn't supect that the quips would hit this hard in real situation. Focus. Focus!

"Yo momma's so fat she has a lot of weight..."

Oh man. You didn't just say that. You did. Oh man.

The crowd starts booing and whistling. It's over. You blew it. Gus grins like a retard who has just plucked the last leg off a spider. You're not sure that you can find it in you to challenge him again.

You're standing dumbfounded and humiliated on the stage of the Compass Club. There's nothing left to do than to swallow your defeat and climb down the stage.
action: You take the gum
response: (with the business card)
You scrape the gum off. It's now on the business card.
action: You put the gum on the ass
response: You stick the bubblegum in and around the classical button.
action: You open the satchel
response: You open the satchel, revealing some books and a wallet.

"Hey! What's wrong with this stupid machine?" Ralph swears and pounds on the jukebox buttons.
action: Examine books
response: Let's see, a Jack Mills pocket book... something about gardening... man, he reads crappy books too.

"Stupid piece of junk," Ralph says.
action: You examine the wallet
response: Huh, it's Gus's wallet. Might be interesting.

Ralph has a fit and pounds himself instead of the jukebox.
action: You open the wallet
response: You go through the wallet quckily and discover a photograph. Looks like... well, it's an ugly old hag... wait, could it be Gus's momma?

Yes! It must be! She has this horrible wart in the middle of her face... Now that just gets your creative juices moving, not to mention your dinner. You quickly replace the picture and the wallet.

Ralph finally gets the bubblegum scraped off the button and gets the music changed. He comes back to his seat, steaming from the ears.

"Hey, are you messing with Gus's bag? Get out of here, twerp!" Ralph says and pushes you away.
action: Facts
response: Did you know that...
...Yo momma's so fat NASA has a satellite in orbit around her?
...Yo momma's so stupid she needs a dictionary to read the alphabet? ...Yo momma's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower?
...Yo momma's so stupid she got lost in the desert and drowned?
...Yo momma's so ugly a grue refused to eat her?
...Yo momma's so fat she drove three all-you-can-eat buffets into bankruptcy - in one night?
...Yo momma's so ugly she makes onions cry?
...Yo momma's so stupid she lost count while counting to one?
...Yo momma's so fat her chins have different area codes?
...Yo momma's so fat she bought two tents and a coil of rope to make herself a bikini top?
...Yo momma's so old she had a pet dodo?
...Yo momma's so fat she's likely to be half-eaten by a grue?
...Yo momma's so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to throw her back into the ocean?
...Yo momma's so fat when she walks on the road she's legally classified as a semi-truck?
...Yo momma's so fat when she switches her watch to the other hand
she has to set it to a new time zone?
...Yo momma's so stupid she got locked inside a grocery store and starved?
...Yo momma's so stupid she got stabbed in a shootout?
...Yo momma's so ugly she's the control at the ugly stick factory? ...Yo momma's so stupid she got run over by a parked car?
...Yo momma's so stupid she saw a "wet floor" sign and did it?
...Yo momma's so fat when they take aerial photos they have to ask
her to move out of the way?
...Yo momma's so fat when she gets up on the wrong side of the bed it's because she has to use the spare pulley?

And that...
...Yo momma's so fat she don't fit in Z-machine?

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, QUIT, see your full SCORE, or read some painful FACTS of life?