Safehouse
by Benjamin Sokal (2010)

You play as someone named Jones and you're in your underground bunker, safe from the deadly Actinic rays. But you're so bored! Why did you forget your spellbook? At least you remember some of your spells.

action: %
response: You just had to play it safe, didn't you? You had to build your bunker-buster resistant bunker, save up years of canned fettucini and bottled water, and stow yourself a hundred feet underground. Now why did you go and do all that without giving yourself something to do for the next 30 years? It's only been two hours and you're bored out of your mind.

But the worst part is that you forgot your spellbook, and you're going through a major case of magic withdrawl right now. God, how could you forget such a thing? At least you remember some of your spells.

Your safehouse is truly a feng-shui nightmare come true. Mother screamed and fainted when she first saw the thing. You prefer to think about your safehouse as a collection of objects so as not to be thrown off kilter by the arrangement: Your suped up Apple iie computer forms the centerpiece of the room. An arrangement of cans are stacked against the wall, forming a pyramid.
action: You examine cans
response: Yum. Too bad you forgot your can opener.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
some mangoes
action: You examine computer
response: You call it "your precious". It is currently off.
action: About yourself
response: Your name is Jones. You enjoy video games, 80s movies, and long walks on the beach.
action: Spells
response: You are the master of the following spells:
frotz: The frotz spell causes spherical objects to quiver.
gnusto: The gnusto spell causes great gusts of wind.
nitfol: The nitfol spell does something completely different.
power up: The power up spell is used exclusively to power up Apple computers built in 1983 or 1984.
action: You power up the computer
response: The computer beeps and begins to power up. Suddenly you are thrown upwards against the ceiling. As your face is about to meet the cold wet stone, you have just enough time to chastise yourself for powering up the computer without removing the gravity reversal spell from it. You also notice that the computer hits the ceiling at exactly the same time (thank you Galileo Galilei), and as the computer crashes into the ceiling the enchantment is broken. You plummet back down to the ground.
action: You look at the computer
response: You call it "your precious". It is currently off. Also, it is completely smashed to bits.
action: You turn on the computer
response: There's no power to it and nowhere to plug it in. You usually just cast "power up" and it gives the computer enough power for a few hours.
action: You examine mangoes
response: Mangoes.
action: Nitfol yourself
response: A voice whispers in your ear, "Lead with your nose and all will be
action: You look at the cans
response: well."

Yum. Too bad you forgot your can opener.
action: Smell
response: The room smells damp and a lot like canned fetticini alfredo.
action: Gnusto cans
response: You cast nitfol at the computer, but nothing happens.

The cans topple over with a big crash. You notice a hatch that was hidden behind them. Ah, so that's where the exit is.
action: You open hatch
response: The extreme Actinic rays would kill you if you did that. Try waiting a few hundred years, and then it may be safer.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.
action: You look
response: Your safehouse is truly a feng-shui nightmare come true. Mother screamed and fainted when she first saw the thing. You prefer to think about your safehouse as a collection of objects so as not to be thrown off kilter by the arrangement: Your suped up Apple iie computer forms the centerpiece of the room. Behind a fallen tower of cans is a sealed hatch.
action: Gnusto cans
response: The cans topple over with a big crash. You notice a hatch that was hidden behind them. Ah, so that's where the exit is.
action: Gnusto comptuer
response: You cast nitfol at the hatch, but nothing happens.

You can't see any such thing.
action: You open hatch
response: You cast gnusto at yourself, but nothing happens.

The extreme Actinic rays would kill you if you did that. Try waiting a few hundred years, and then it may be safer.
action: Nitfol mangoes
response: You cast nitfol at the mangoes, but nothing happens.

You cast nitfol at the mangoes, but nothing happens.
action: Xyzzy
response: A spherical blue portal rises out of the ground. It shifts left and right a few times, then seems to come to an equalibrium.
action: You enter the portal
response: Bang! Upon entering the gateway, you hear a bang and then the rush of air as a bullet barely misses your right ear. Then, a musket to the chin. "Vous ?tes qui?" The revolutionary officer asks.

Shit.
action: Frotz portal
response: The gateway quivers, then comes to a rest.
action: You enter the portal
response: You begin to enter the gateway, but are assaulted by the odor of...lobster? You've never smelled lobster this strong before, and decide it may not be the best move to enter the portal now. You're allergic to shellfish, after all.
action: You enter the portal
response: As you enter the portal, you smell diesel fuel. When you find yourself in the middle of a bustling airplane terminal, it makes sense. Taxis beep their horns outside and a plane takes off somewhere in the distance. An elevator behind you beeps and then opens, revealing a very brightly chap and a poodle who is dressed as a train. A queue of people snake all around you in a nearly random fashion. The bright man and his poodle plunge straight into the middle of one of the lines. Someone starts to complain but then the poodle bares her teeth, quieting them. You follow the man and his poodle, trying to make it appear you know where you're going.
action: Smell portal
response: There is a smell eminating from the blue gateway. It smells like gasoline fuel.
action: Smell portal
response: There is a smell eminating from the blue gateway. It smells arid and vaguely of disease.
action: Smell portal
response: There is a smell eminating from the blue gateway. It smells like popcorn!
action: You enter the portal
response: Smells like popcorn. You enter the gateway...and find yourself in a crowded movie theatre. Normally you would cringe at this many people conglomerated together at once, but not today - on the screen in front of you is the film "Get Lamp", and it's just beginning. Perfect!