The Laughing Gnome
by Teaspoon (2016)
Genres: Adaptation

'You were walking, down the high street...' A tribute to David Bowie and one of his first singles. Also contains ghome invasion, Surbiton Railway Station, Mick and Keith's corner shop off 'Stella Street', and nuts.

action: %
response: You're just finishing a walk down the high street, when you hear footsteps behind you.

First time players may wish to type ABOUT.

Not as musical as Denmark Street, not flash like Carnaby Street or rocking like Electric Avenue, but it's your high street and you like it. However, "The Forsyte Saga" is on so everything's shut except the corner shop to the south. Your house is to the north and the Surbiton Railway Station is to the east.

You can see a Gnome here.
action: P.
response: What to do with >
Getting Started
Rooms and Travel
Objects
Controlling the Game
How the World is Assembled
If You Get Stuck
action: You go to the north
response: What to do with >
Getting Started
Rooms and Travel
Objects
Controlling the Game
How the World is Assembled
If You Get Stuck
action: You examine Gnome
response: A little old man in scarlet and grey. He trots along besides you.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a light
a cigarette

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the light
response: A battered antique one, of no great interest except for the engraving. "To Father Brown, with all my thanks". You occasionally wonder what sort of priest would get a light for a present.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at the cigarette
response: A cigarette. Your favourite brand: Political Correctness Gone Mad, or POC for short.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: About yourself
response: Ziggy Stardust.

Not really. Just a struggling writer trying to break into radio.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Gnome
response: "My brother Fred always wanted to be a comedy singer. I like the joke-writing, myself."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Gnome
response: "Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? You look like a rolling gnome."

"No, not at the London School of Ecognomics."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Gnome
response: "Here, where do you come from?"

"Gnome man's land!"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Gnome
response: "Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?"

"No, we're gnomads."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Gnome
response: "I'm a laughing gnome and you don't catch me!"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Go south
response: The sign says Mick & Keith's Corner Shop, in carefully-equilateral lettering. It shows a good deal more foresight than the shop itself, which is a tiny cramped place with products strewn everywhere. Usually, anyway: there are only a few items left on the shelves.

You can see Keith, dandelion wine, Brazil nuts, caviar, honey and a mop here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the north.
action: You look at Keith
response: He's just a touch drunk, although whether punch or otherwise is difficult to tell.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Keith
response: "Mick's out watching his bloody show, the shop's been raided, still can't get any Lemsip...just get what you want and leave, all right? I'll put it on your tab."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at the wine
response: Imported from Illinois, apparently.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the nuts
response: A prominent animator had little packets sent to all sorts of odd places as a promotional stunt for his new film.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at the caviar
response: You see nothing special about caviar.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at the honey
response: You see nothing special about honey.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the mop
response: "Just what you need if that last one is looking a little bit ragged!"

A space-age design with self-contained water supply. Also Fairy.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You take all
response: dandelion wine: Taken.
Brazil nuts: Taken.
caviar: Your tab is big enough as it is. Caviar is rather beyond your means.
honey: Your tab is big enough as it is. Honey is rather beyond your means.
mop: Taken.
bag: That seems to belong to the Gnome.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the bag
response: Doubtless full of mysterious gnome objects.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You eat nuts
response: Only slightly stale. You nibble a few.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You taste the wine
response: You taste nothing unexpected.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a mop
Brazil nuts
dandelion wine
a light
a cigarette

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You eat caviar
response: You'd have to pay Keith for it, which you can't just at present, being temporarily embarassed. So that's no then.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Mop
response: Keith is deeply offended by people cleaning in here besides him. Or just offended by cleaning in general, hard to say.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You wear the mop
response: You can't wear that!

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Go north
response: Not as musical as Denmark Street, not flash like Carnaby Street or rocking like Electric Avenue, but it's your high street and you like it. However, "The Forsyte Saga" is on so everything's shut except the corner shop to the south. Your house is to the north and the Surbiton Railway Station is to the east.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the south.
action: You go north
response: Your new flat, or rather your antiquated Victorian terrace house (now only one floor, after what the landlord described as an exotic and friendly swarm of Egyptian super termites). After deploying a flamethrower, six kinds of bleach and the local exorcist, you now have a kitchen that only vaguely smells of toxic gloop. The bathroom, such as it is, is to the north.

You can see an oven, a bed, a fireplace and a telly here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the south.
action: You examine the oven
response: A hulking old iron oven you picked up for a song from the nice couple down the way. They said they were upgrading to something more managable, like one made out of mud.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You open the oven
response: It isn't something you can open.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the bed
response: The one usable piece of furniture left in the place, a heavy piece that's fixed in place.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look under the bed
response: You find nothing of interest.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You enter the bed
response: You get onto the bed.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Sleep
response: Sleep with that chortling gnome around? Not likely.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You stand
response: You get off the bed.

Your new flat, or rather your antiquated Victorian terrace house (now only one floor, after what the landlord described as an exotic and friendly swarm of Egyptian super termites). After deploying a flamethrower, six kinds of bleach and the local exorcist, you now have a kitchen that only vaguely smells of toxic gloop. The bathroom, such as it is, is to the north.

You can see a Gnome, an oven, a bed, a fireplace and a telly here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the fireplace
response: Incongruously huge, with the draftiest chimney you ever did see. You could probably fit two gnomes comfortably in here if it didn't smell of gloop.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Smell the fireplace
response: It smells like yesterday's chicken tikka masala, actually.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You clean it
response: You rub the fireplace.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Mop
response: You attack the remaining gloop, finding a pocket of residue in the chimney. Away with it! Everything now smells like Fairies.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a mop
Brazil nuts
dandelion wine
a light
a cigarette

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Your new, nicely cleaned flat. Or antiquated Victorian terrace house. The bathroom, such as it is, is to the north.

You can see a Gnome, an oven, a bed, a fireplace and a telly here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You look at telly
response: It's stuck on BBC Two. If you liked the Forsyte Saga, you wouldn't have gone on that walk and met this gnome.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Go north
response: Indescribably filthy. It would make a student houseshare look neat. It makes that bloke Withnail look tidy by comparision. It looks a little cleaner than the one that Richard and Eddie down the way have.

The one advantage is that you can't see any of those fiddly objects such as a toilet, shower, or a mirror full of asprin and toothbrushes - everything is indistinguisable under toxic gloop.

You can see toadstools here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the south.
action: Mop
response: You rub the mop around a bit. A vocabulary list comes to mind, consisting of words such as futile, pointless, useless, unhelpful, wishful, pathetic, ineffectual, unavailing...cleaning this bathroom is beyond your ken, in short.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the toadstools
response: They look like the kind of thing you might feed a gnome.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You take the toadstools
response: Taken.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Toadstools
response: "Uncooked toadstools?"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You go to the south
response: Your new, nicely cleaned flat. Or antiquated Victorian terrace house. The bathroom, such as it is, is to the north.

You can see an oven, a bed, a fireplace and a telly here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the north.
action: You put the toadstools in the oven
response: Your feeble culinary skills are at least sufficient for the purpose of heaating toadstools for gnomes. One plate of roast toadstools, coming right up!

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the toadstools
response: You still wouldn't eat them.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You give the toadstools to Gnome
response: The Gnome seems very pleased with your cooking.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a mop
Brazil nuts
dandelion wine
a light
a cigarette

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You give the nuts to Gnome
response: The gnome shakes his head. "Gnomes prefer toadstools."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Light cigarette
response: You light the cigarette.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: Smoke cigarette
response: It occurs to you this is your last one. Maybe you'd better save it.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You go south
response: Not as musical as Denmark Street, not flash like Carnaby Street or rocking like Electric Avenue, but it's your high street and you like it. However, "The Forsyte Saga" is on so everything's shut except the corner shop to the south. Your house is to the north and the Surbiton Railway Station is to the east.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the north.
action: Go east
response: The Surbiton Railway Station: a rather excitingly futurist-looking building done up in lots of white concrete and glass. A large sign says "Due to the current rail strike, no trains are available except the Victoria-Eastbourne Express." You can see the Express to the north. The High Street is to the west.

You can see a Ticket Seller here.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.

The Gnome arrives from the west.
action: Examine Seller
response: Dark hair, glasses and enough world-weariness to float HMS Belfast. She is struggling with a malfunctioning piece of equipment.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine the equipment
response: A ticket machine which does not seem to be functioning properly.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Seller
response: "Everyone went on strike to protest the new continually-running express to Eastbourne," she tells you with the air of someone who has long since stopped listening to what she was saying.
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You buy Ticket
response: The Ticket Seller shrugs. "Gnomes travel free. So do you, if I can't get this machine to work properly."

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You go to the north
response: The train is a smooth, highly-industralised piece of equipment that is not powered by steam in any way whatsoever.

You persuade the gnome to follow you on board the express, even carrying his bag, and wave him goodbye. So long to the gnome, then. Nome, even. Back to your mundane existence.

You head home for some much needed sleep, awaken fresh and bright the next day, and find that he's back. What's more, he's brought a friend.

Somehow, you aren't really surprised.

Kitchen (on the bed)
Your new, nicely cleaned flat. Or antiquated Victorian terrace house. The bathroom, such as it is, is to the north.

You can see Fred, a Gnome, an oven, a fireplace and a telly here.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You examine Fred
response: A metrognome. A metrosexual ticker, then.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee.
action: You talk to Fred
response: Fred gazes solemmly up at you. "I would like to sing you a song," he explains.
action: Yes
response: It's a song about how someone out on a walk met a laughing gnome. You are immediately struck by its brilliance and call up the BBC to tell them about the fantastic talent of these gnomes you've discovered.

The BBC immediately employs them to write comedic prose for the Nome Service, the gnomes move into your chimney, and you all live on caviar and honey. A happy ending for everyone!