Leather Goddesses of Phobos
by Steve Meretzky (1986)
Genres: Science Fiction
Humor

And now... the next exciting episode of humanoids in space! How did you, a regular at Joe's Bar in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, end up on a Martian moon? Can you prevent the hideous space creature from abducting the naked heiress? Why does scratch 'n' sniff no. 2 smell so familiar? How many uses can you find for a rubber hose? Is it easy to remove a brass bikini? Is it hard to outsmart a robotoid sumo wrestler? Can you stop the Leather Goddesses' fiendish plan to turn all Earthlings into sex slaves? Learn the answers to these burning questions in Leather Goddesses of Phobos, Infocom's racy spoof of 1930s pulp fiction. But first, a word from our sponsor: Why put up with only one playing mode, when you can have three? That's right, three! So whether your tastes run to Tame, Suggestive, or Lewd, Leather Goddesses of Phobos can satisfy you!

action: %
response: Some material in this story may not be suitable for children, especially the parts involving sex, which no one should know anything about until reaching the age of eighteen (twenty-one in certain states). This story is also unsuitable for censors, members of the Moral Majority, and anyone else who thinks that sex is dirty rather than fun.
The attitudes expressed and language used in this story are representative only of the views of the author, and in no way represent the views of Infocom, Inc. or its employees, many of whom are children, censors, and members of the Moral Majority. (But very few of whom, based on last year's Christmas Party, think that sex is dirty.)
By now, all the folks who might be offended by LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS have whipped their disk out of their drive and, evidence in hand, are indignantly huffing toward their dealer, their lawyer, or their favorite repression-oriented politico. So... Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to begin!
The place: Upper Sandusky, Ohio. The time: 1936. The beer: at a nickel a mug, you don't ask for brand names. All you know is that your fifth one tasted as bad as the first.

An undistinguished bar, yet the social center of Upper Sandusky.
The front door is almost lost amidst the hazy maze of neon that shrouds the grimy glass of the south wall. Doors marked "Ladies" and "Gents" lead, respectively, northeast and northwest.
You feel an urge.
action: You go northeast
response: This filthy bathroom belies the existence of disinfectant. A single toilet and sink are the only fixtures. More breathable air can be found to the southwest.
You can see a stool here.
action: You look at the the stool
response: It's safe to take, if you receive my meaning.
You trace the urge to the region of your bladder.
action: Pee
response: Ahhh...
Now that the "crisis" has passed, you notice a strong and familiar odor pervading the room.
action: Smell
response: [Scratch 'n' sniff spot number 1. Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to continue.]
You trace the smell to a dubious slice of pizza, crumpled in the corner. [Incidentally, we had some pretty putrid scents available, all of which would've seemed right at home in a filthy restroom. In the end, we were too kind to use them -- but we were sorely tempted!]
action: 87
response: Acceptable age. Switching to LEWD level.
action: You take the stool
response: Taken.
A brilliant flash of green light seems less unusual when followed
by the appearance of tentacled aliens, as is the case with the current flash of green light. The tentacles wrap roughly around you as you faint.
After an unknown amount of time... Well, let's cut the bullshit.
7.3 hours later, you wake. Your head feels as if it's been run over by several locomotives, or at least one very large locomotive, and your clothes are now unrecognizable...

You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door (closed, naturally) forms the southern wall of the cell.
Hanging on the wall is a painting of a pussy cat.
You can see a flashlight, a stool and a blanket here.
Someone thrusts a tray into your cell. A hunk of brown food on the tray looks unappetizing, but smells deliciously familiar.
action: You look pussy
response: Use prepositions to indicate precisely what you want to do: LOOK AT the object, LOOK INSIDE it, LOOK UNDER it, etc.
action: You examine the pussy
response: It's a good likeness of a pussy, but is it art?
action: You examine the hunk
response: The hunk of brown food looks unappetizing, but smells deliciously familiar.
action: Smell hunk
response: [Scratch 'n' sniff spot number 2. Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to continue.]
action: You eat the hunk
response: Luscious, creamy milk chocolate!
action: Look around
response: You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door (closed, naturally) forms the southern wall of the cell.
Hanging on the wall is a painting of a pussy cat.
You can see a tray, a flashlight, a stool and a blanket here.
Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
action: You examine the flashlight
response: It's off.
action: You take all
response: tray: Taken.
flashlight: Taken.
stool: Taken.
painting: Taken.
blanket: Taken.
action: You open the door
response: The wide cell door swings open.
action: You look at the tray
response: You can see a hunk of chocolate.
action: You examine the blanket
response: It looks like every other blanket you've ever seen.
action: Inventory
response: You have a blanket, a painting, a stool, a flashlight, a tray, a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
action: You examine the bikini
response: The brass bikini, tight but comfy, covers only the "bare essentials."
action: You examine the rule book
response: "Hello, Prisoner!
You are a captive of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. As an experimental subject, your unspeakably painful death will help our effort to enslave humanity and turn the Earth into our private pleasure world. Consider this to be a great honor, human."
The remainder of the book covers the exacting rules of behavior expected of a prisoner of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. For example, it mentions that escapees will be killed immediately and painfully by crack Leckbandi guards. After reading it, you stick it back in your back pocket.
action: You look
response: You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door
(now open) forms the southern wall of the cell.
action: Go outside
response: A wide cell door lies open to the north, and a narrow cell door
lies closed to the south. The hallway ends at a gleaming metal door to the west, and continues east. Something, possibly this very sentence, tells you that it would be dangerous to travel east or west. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards.
action: You read the sign
response: "Up To Observation Room."
action: You go to the east
response: the hallway, a guard patrol erupts from the shadows. A tall, neatly dressed Leckbandi tucks you under its arm. (The Leckbandi, who evolved in the asteroid belt, all work exclusively as security guards. This is odd, since there's not a single thing in the entire asteroid belt worth stealing.)
Consulting a wrist computer, the Leckbandi punches in notable
features of your appearance: size, number of heads, lack of feathers, and so forth. Eventually, the tiny screen flashes: "IDENTIFICATION COMPLETED: Prisoner, human, escaped. DISPOSITION: Death, painful, immediate." The Leckbandi, who, like all Leckbandis, prides itself on its ability to follow the orders of wrist computers, immediately and painfully kills you.
action: Go west
response: You'll have to open the metal door first.
action: You open the metal door
response: The metal door swings open.
action: You go west
response: "Examination" Room
A number of hideous experiments fill this room. Their obvious
purpose: studies of the human anatomy, especially those parts rarely referred to in the New York Times. A pathetic-looking human is the current subject; however, even an author as fond of lascivious detail as this one would hesitate to describe it even in LEWD mode, except to mention that it involves a lot of lubricants, some plastic tubing, and a yak.
Before you've really gotten as sick as you know you could get, one
of the tall, neatly dressed Leckbandi tucks you under its arm. (The Leckbandi, who evolved in the asteroid belt, all work exclusively as security guards. This is odd, since there's not a single thing in the entire asteroid belt worth stealing.)
Consulting a wrist computer, the Leckbandi punches in notable
features of your appearance: size, number of heads, lack of feathers, and so forth. Eventually, the tiny screen flashes: "IDENTIFICATION COMPLETED: Prisoner, human, escaped. DISPOSITION: Death, painful, immediate." The Leckbandi, who, like all Leckbandis, prides itself on its ability to follow the orders of wrist computers, immediately and painfully kills you.
action: You go south
response: You'll have to open the narrow cell door first.
action: You open the narrow cell door
response: The narrow cell door swings open.
action: You go to the south
response: As you enter, a woman sitting limply in the shadows stiffens and rises to her feet. "A human! They got you too? I've been here a week. When you opened the door, I figured it was a guard! Was it unlocked? I never thought of trying it. By the way, my name's Tiffany. From Alaska. I'm not too bright, but I'm strong as an ox, and I'm great with my hands. Maybe we can lick these Leather Goddesses together."

You are in a very tiny room with a rock-hard floor. A narrow cell
door to the north is open.
A crumpled paper lies discarded in the corner. There seems to be
some writing on it.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
action: You examine Tiffany
response: Tiffany is about your age and has a body worthy of envy: tall and well-built, with wide shoulders, a generous bosom, slim waist, and long, tawny legs. The only minus seems to be slightly oversized feet, but even oversized feet are a plus if you're into toe-sucking.
action: You look
response: You are in a very tiny room with a rock-hard floor. A narrow cell
door to the north is open.
A crumpled paper lies discarded in the corner. There seems to be
some writing on it.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
action: You read the paper
response: [taking the scrap of paper first]
There's a seemingly meaningless matrix of letters on the paper: HESOHREBBUR
ILSSSIPNGEF
RGIUGHTHDEN
SNKOOBENOHP
FALYTMERATP
SHEADLIGHTO
SLLABNOTTOC
action: You take the scrap
response: You already have the scrap of paper.
action: Look around
response: You are in a very tiny room with a rock-hard floor. A narrow cell
door to the north is open.
Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
action: Kiss tiffany
response: "Smack."
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You are in a very tiny room with a rock-hard floor. A narrow cell
door to the north is open.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: You read the paper
response: There's a seemingly meaningless matrix of letters on the paper: HESOHREBBUR
ILSSSIPNGEF
RGIUGHTHDEN
SNKOOBENOHP
FALYTMERATP
SHEADLIGHTO
SLLABNOTTOC
action: Go north
response: Tiffany follows you.
action: You look
response: A wide cell door lies open to the north, and a narrow cell door
lies open to the south. The hallway ends at a gleaming metal door to the west, and continues east. Something, possibly this very sentence, tells you that it would be dangerous to travel east or west. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards. Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: Up
response: Calvin Coolidge once described windows as "rectangles of glass." If so, he may have been thinking about the window which fills the western wall of this room. A tiny closet lies to the north. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You read sign
response: "Down to Cells."
action: You go north
response: It's too dark to see a thing. There's a distinctive odor here, though. Tiffany trails along.
action: Smell
response: [Scratch 'n' sniff spot number 3. Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to continue.]
Apparently this section of Phobos has a significant moth problem.
action: You turn on the flashlight
response: Okay, the flashlight is now on.

This room is barely large enough to turn around in. Just to prove
it, you turn around. As you do, you spot a black circle, about two feet across, seemingly painted on the floor in the corner. A shelf protrudes from one wall, very close to the ceiling. The closet is open to the south. A strong odor of mothballs pervades the closet.
Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
Sitting on the shelf is a wicker basket.
action: You examine basket
response: The basket is oval-shaped. A handle spans the narrow part.
action: You take it
response: You can't reach the wicker basket.
Tiffany trots over to you. "I've got a plan to bring these Leather Goddess jokers to their knees," she says, flipping you a matchbook. The cover of the matchbook is filled with scrawled notations. "If we can scrape up these items, I can whip up something that'll knock 'em cold! A Super-Duper Anti-Leather Goddesses of Phobos Attack Machine!!!"
action: You examine the matchbook
response: The cover of the matchbook is filled with scrawled notations. You briefly open the matchbook and see that there are no matches left.
action: You read the matchbook
response: Most of the scrawlings are a "blueprint" for a vastly complicated device. Below that is a parts list:
1. a common household blender
2. six feet of rubber hose
3. a pair of cotton balls
4. an eighty-two degree angle
5. a headlight from any 1933 Ford
6. a white mouse
7. any size photo of Douglas Fairbanks
8. a copy of the Cleveland phone book
action: You stand on the stool
response: You're holding it!
action: You drop the stool
response: Dropped.
action: You take the basket
response: Taken.
action: You examine basket
response: The basket is oval-shaped. A handle spans the narrow part.
action: You open the basket
response: It already is!
action: Go downward
response: You get off the stool.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: This room is barely large enough to turn around in. Just to prove
it, you turn around. As you do, you spot a black circle, about two feet across, seemingly painted on the floor in the corner. A shelf protrudes from one wall, very close to the ceiling. The closet is open to the south. A strong odor of mothballs pervades the closet.
Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
action: You examine the circle
response: It's like staring into an eternal void of blackest infinity sucking up all life and thought and hope and being -- or, like what you see after getting your face smashed in a bar fight. You can pick the metaphor you're most familiar with.
action: You go south
response: Ah! Coming out of the closet, I see...

Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go upward
response: Your view extends to the horizon, which on tiny Phobos usually
means a few hundred feet. Thrusting up into sight beyond the horizon are the arching towers and curving domes of the notorious Pleasure Palace of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. On a wide plain between here and the palace, powerful warships are poised for the imminent invasion of Earth.
Mars dominates the view, a dull red orb spanning a quarter of the
sky. Bright blue canals lace the surface, and white caps of ice are visible at both poles.
A stairway leads down into the building. Near the edge, seemingly painted onto the roof, is a black circle. You might be able to jump to the ground, but frankly we advise against it.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You enter the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

As you wander amidst these towering dunes of red Martian sand, you notice three distinct pathways: north, east, and west.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's left buttock appear,
followed almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: Go north
response: You stand amongst the ruins of a mighty castle. The only part of
the castle that is more than a pile of rubble is to the north. A path leads out of the ruin to the south.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You go to the north
response: This is the Throne Room of the once-potent King Mitre, of legendary fame. Of course, the version you've probably heard is significantly warped from What Really Happened.
In the diseased version of the legend commonly transmitted on
Earth, Mitre is called Midas. The King was granted his wish that everything he touched would turn to gold. His greed caught up with him when he transformed even his own daughter into gold.
King Mitre's wish was, in fact, that everything he touched would
turn to forty-five degree angles. No one has ever explained this strange wish; the most likely hypothesis is a sexual fetish. In any case, the tale has a similar climax, with Mitre turning his own daughter into a forty-five degree angle.
King Mitre sits upon the throne, looking dejected and lonely. Next
to him is a pile of forty-five degree angles. One stands out from the others, thanks to its golden hair and flowing white gown. The main entrance of the throne room is to the south, but a tight opening leads north.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You take the angle
response: Mitre growls, "Keep your hands off my daughter."
action: You examine Mitre
response: The old king looks very down. His appearance is rather odd, since his clothes, his jewelry, his crown, even his very throne, all have a rather angular appearance.
action: You ask King about the daughter
response: The king weeps pitifully.
action: You go north
response: During the peak of King Mitre's reign, a cruel joke went around the kingdom that Mitre's two greatest loves were his Royal Docks and his Royal Ducks. The joke was never very good and has long since been forgotten, and the ducks perished years ago from a sexually-transmitted disease, but the docks remain, jutting into a wide Martian Canal which flows from west to east. Behind you, to the south, is a ruined castle.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You examine the barge
response: This large barge could host a host of royal guests. The barge rests immobile at the dockside, despite a strong current and no visible mooring lines. There are some simple controls on the side of the barge nearest the dock.
action: You examine the controls
response: The controls consist of a huge orange button, and a huge purple button. Both buttons have writing on them.
action: You examine the orange button
response: The huge orange button reads: MagnetoMoor On.
action: You examine the purple button
response: The huge purple button reads: Go With The Flow.
action: Look around
response: During the peak of King Mitre's reign, a cruel joke went around the kingdom that Mitre's two greatest loves were his Royal Docks and his Royal Ducks. The joke was never very good and has long since been forgotten, and the ducks perished years ago from a sexually-transmitted disease, but the docks remain, jutting into a wide Martian Canal which flows from west to east. Behind you, to the south, is a ruined castle.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
action: You enter the barge
response: You are now in the royal barge. Tiffany gets in behind you. You notice some simple controls.
action: You examine the purple button
response: The huge purple button reads: Full Speed Ahead.
action: You wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy.
action: Wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. Sculpted reddish sand dunes rise into view beyond the banks of the canal. The dark clouds of a sandstorm are visible on the horizon.
action: You wait a while
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. A smaller canal flows diagonally into this one, and the channel widens slightly to accommodate the heavier flow. Sculpted reddish sand dunes rise into view beyond the banks of the canal.
action: You wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. A dock
is visible on the northern shore.
action: Go outside
response: You and Tiffany get out of the royal barge.
action: You go to the north
response: You are in a tiny basin, protected by dunes from the fierce Martian winds. The dunes are impassable, except to the south.
A strange alien, probably a member of one of the ancient warrior
races of Mars, lies dead at the base of a dune.
Lying next to the body, partially buried in the sand, is a strange coded message.
The alien may have died of acute chapped lips (a perennial problem
in the arid Martian climate). If so, it was a sudden death, for the lip balm near the body is completely unused.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You examine the alien
response: It's dead. Very dead.
action: You examine the message
response: VSDFHHQN UXRB VVLN RW PLK JQLNVD BE PLK RW IOHVUXRB BILWQHGL -- SDP WHUFHV HKW WHJ GQD VVHQDWOXV HKW IR 6093 UHEPXQ GQDEVXK WFDWQRF RW VL QRLVVLP UXRB
action: You take the lip balm
response: Taken.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: You are in a tiny basin, protected by dunes from the fierce Martian winds. The dunes are impassable, except to the south.
A strange alien, probably a member of one of the ancient warrior
races of Mars, lies dead at the base of a dune.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
action: Kiss alien
response: Is there even a word for this sort of perverse behavior? Necro-xeno-philia? Xeno-necro-philia? Grosso-sicko-philia?
action: Go south
response: A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You enter barge
response: You are now in the royal barge. Tiffany gets in behind you.
action: Go outside
response: You and Tiffany get out of the royal barge.
action: You go south
response: From this vantage, you can see the canal curving south, a bit downstream from here. Just after this bend, two docks flank the canal: an opulent dock on the east bank, and a dilapidated one on the closer shore.
You could slide down the dune to the north or the east.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You go to the east
response: As with all Martian civilization, this once-fashionable shopping center has fallen upon hard times; the only store to have endured the fifteen-millenia recession lies to the south. The canal is still as visible as it was when scheming marketeers misnamed the mall generations ago -- in other words, not at all. A path leads east, and a dune to the west seems mountable.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: Mount tiffany
response: It's not worth it. Believe me.
[A warning for any Jerry Falwell groupies who are miraculously
still playing: we'll be using the word "tits" in five turns or so. Please consult the manual for the proper way to stop playing.]
action: Go south
response: This store is in good shape only relative to the other shops in the mall; for example, the last time it was vacuumed, humans were just inventing writing. The dust nearly covers the proprietor, who sits forlornly in the corner beneath a faded sign. An exit is barely visible through the dust to the north.
Tiffany trails along.
The proprietor stirs somewhat from his lethargy. "Don't get many customers these days, since they abandoned the dock. In fact, you're only the third in the last hundred and fifty centuries." He slips back into a drowse.
action: You examine the sign
response: "Exits bought and sold."
[Only a few turns until the "tits" reference! Use QUIT now if you might be offended!]
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a coded message, a stick of lip balm, a stool, a wicker basket, a matchbook, a scrap of paper, a blanket, a painting, a flashlight (providing light), a tray, a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
[Last warning! The word "tits" will appear in the very next turn!
This is your absolutely last chance to avoid seeing "tits" used!!!]
action: You examine the lip balm
response: There's nothing noteworthy about the stick of lip balm.
A hyperdimensional traveller suddenly appears out of thin air. "My sister has tremendous breasts," says the traveller and, without further explanation, vanishes, leaving only a vague trace of interdimensional ozone.
[Oh, regarding the use of "tits," we changed our mind at the last minute. Everyone agreed it was too risque.]
action: You look around
response: This store is in good shape only relative to the other shops in the mall; for example, the last time it was vacuumed, humans were just inventing writing. The dust nearly covers the proprietor, who sits forlornly in the corner beneath a faded sign. An exit is barely visible through the dust to the north.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: Go north
response: Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go west
response: Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You go to the north
response: A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You enter barge
response: You are now in the royal barge. Tiffany gets in behind you.
action: You wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. Just ahead, the canal curves sharply to the south.
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes...
The royal barge chugs quickly around the bend, ending up near the eastern bank of the canal.

Martian Canal, near the east bank, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. There
are docks on both banks. Just behind, the canal curves sharply to the west.
action: Go outside
response: You and Tiffany get out of the royal barge.
action: Go east
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You examine the reflecting pool
response: The water is dark and murky.
action: You go north
response: As you approach, you realize that the archway in this direction is merely a design on a solid wall.
action: Go east
response: These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You examine well
response: Totally ordinary looking well.
action: You enter well
response: You climb down the well for a long distance. Near the bottom the handholds end, so you and Tiffany leap the rest of the way, landing on a black circle. You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's elbow appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: You go to the north
response: The good news is that this hall is intoxicatingly beautiful, laid
with the snow-white fur of the rare Martian Velvetworm and endowed with platinum arches and balustrades. Silky curtains embrace openings to the south, southwest, and west.
The bad news is that no woman has ever entered the Audience Chamber
of the Sultaness and departed alive.
The Sultaness is here, enthroned.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
"Ah," says the Sultaness, "a visitor. This is pleasing; it was
turning out to be a very dull morning." She clears her throat. "The rules: I will pose a riddle. If you answer it correctly, you may spend one hour with any of my husbands. If you answer incorrectly, you will die. If you do not answer, you will die. If you enter the harem before answering, you will die. If you attempt to leave, you will die. If you touch me in any way, you will die. If I happen to sneeze, you will die. If any situation not covered by the rules occurs, you will die." She motions to one of the palace eunuchs. "Go tell the animal tenders not to feed the tigers yet." Pause. "Are you ready?"
action: Yes
response: "Here, then, is the riddle. Don't strain your head; no one's ever gotten it right." You hear a growling snarl from somewhere nearby. "Some say I'm pointless,
yet many are obsessed by me.
I have caused heroic gambles
and sown endless frustration.
Uncounted deaths have I caused.
What am I?"
Tiffany steps briskly forward. "That's easy!" she yells. "A grapefruit!" As the eunuchs snicker behind their weapons, the Sultaness cries "Wrongo!" and Tiffany is led away. As you hear, from nearby, a fierce roar followed by a blood-curdling scream, your eyes fill with tears. You hang your head in sorrow for a moment to honor your brave, loyal companion who gave her life that humanity might be safe from the terrible scourge of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. "Your turn to guess," says the Sultaness, looking gleeful.
action: You answer the riddle
response: [You need quotes to say something "out loud." See the instruction manual section entitled "Communicating With Infocom's Interactive Fiction."]
The Sultaness is twitching her nose.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: You go southeast
response: A slender tower protrudes magnificently above the palace grounds. A stair winds up into the tower and an oriental garden spreads out to the northwest.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go south
response: One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Today must be drying day at the laundry, since there's only one clothes pin left.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You take the clothes pin
response: You're already juggling as many items as you could possibly carry.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a coded message, a stick of lip balm, a stool, a wicker basket, a matchbook, a scrap of paper, a blanket, a painting, a flashlight (providing light), a tray, a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
action: You put the blanket in basket
response: Done.
action: You wear the lip balm
response: You coat your lips with the glistening balm, using up the whole stick.
action: You remove bikini
response: But the brass bikini is so becoming!
action: You look around
response: One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
action: You examine the laundry
response: That's not important; leave it alone.
action: Go north
response: Tiffany trails along.
action: Go east
response: These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go southeast
response: A slender tower protrudes magnificently above the palace grounds. A stair winds up into the tower and an oriental garden spreads out to the northwest.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go upwards
response: By standing erect at the parapet of this mighty tower, you command
an exciting view. Below, gardens and courtyards intermingle with the palace buildings, forming a fertile oasis in the Martian desert. Off to the west, docks straddle a deep canal. On the far shore, sand dunes lap at crumbling buildings. On the top step of a winding stair is a black circle.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You go north
response: The good news is that this hall is intoxicatingly beautiful, laid
with the snow-white fur of the rare Martian Velvetworm and endowed with platinum arches and balustrades. Silky curtains embrace openings to the south, southwest, and west.
The bad news is that no woman has ever entered the Audience Chamber
of the Sultaness and departed alive.
The Sultaness is here, enthroned.
Tiffany trails along.
"Ah," says the Sultaness, "a visitor. This is pleasing; it was
turning out to be a very dull morning." She clears her throat. "The rules: I will pose a riddle. If you answer it correctly, you may spend one hour with any of my husbands. If you answer incorrectly, you will die. If you do not answer, you will die. If you enter the harem before answering, you will die. If you attempt to leave, you will die. If you touch me in any way, you will die. If I happen to sneeze, you will die. If any situation not covered by the rules occurs, you will die." She motions to one of the palace eunuchs. "Go tell the animal tenders not to feed the tigers yet." Pause. "Are you ready?"
action: No
response: "Too bad." You never actually notice where the tiger comes from, only that it seems very very very very ferocious.
action: Go east
response: These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go west
response: A well-armed male guard blocks you. "Congratulations on your performance," he says in a bored voice. You wonder how the guard can be so unmoved by your historic feat. As though sensing your thoughts, the guard says, "The Sultaness likes to pretend that no one's ever gotten the riddle, but someone got it last year, the word spread around, and now everyone knows the answer. You're the twelfth winner this week already. She sent away to Maude's House of Riddles on Ganymede for a new one, but the mail is so slow..." The guard shakes his head. "Well, pick a husband; any number from 1 to 8379. Don't waste time thinking; they're all clones anyway." He looks at you expectantly.
action: Pick 3906
response: The guard, walking off, says, "I'll summon that one. You may enter."
action: You enter
response: This is a sensuous location of silks and satins and furs. A draped exit leads east. A pleasant odor tickles mischievously at your nose.
action: Sniff
response: [Scratch 'n' sniff spot number 4. Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to continue.]
It seems that the Sultaness likes her husbands to wear fine cologne.
action: Wait
response: Time passes...
A figure, completely cloaked in veils of silk, enters and beckons
you deeper into the harem...

This luxurious bedroom, presumably one of many throughout the
harem, is appointed with a multitude of exotic furs, warm to the touch as though still alive. The heady aroma of cologne and incense mingle in the air. There's an exit to the southeast.
Sultaness' husband #3906 touches a button at the shoulder of his
tunic and it slowly floats to the floor. He pulls you down onto the furs, whispering in a husky voice, "For an hour, I am yours."
action: Kiss husband
response: Sultaness' husband #3906 moans softly and draws closer to you.
action: Mount husband
response: Let's not beat around the bush. Come out and say what you mean.
action: Fuck husband
response: Sultaness' husband #3906 draws you into his arms. As your hands explore his firm, strong body, a faint sweaty, musky odor triggers a passionate fire within you, and you find yourself warming to the occasion. Your lovemaking is slow and gentle, and as you reach a crescendo of pleasure, you cry out softly, passionately, and repeatedly. "Oh," moans Sultaness' husband #3906, "say my number again ... say it in French..."
Much later, you and Sultaness' husband #3906 fall back upon the furs, basking in the aura of postcoital bliss.
action: You kiss your kneecaps
response: "Smack."
action: You kiss your kneecaps
response: "Oh," whispers Sultaness' husband #3906, "you're from the rebels! Here's the secret map," he says, laying a secret map at your feet, "and here's a reliable torch," he says, lighting a reliable torch and placing it next to the map. He moves some furs to reveal a secret entrance leading downwards. "The only way out is through the catacombs -- if you come back this way with the secret map, the harem guards will..."
action: You take all
response: reliable torch: You're already juggling as many items as you could possibly carry.
secret map: You're already juggling as many items as you could possibly carry.
action: You examine the map
response: This is the secret catacombs map that came in your LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS package.
action: Lgop1
response: SAVEOkay.
action: Look around
response: This luxurious bedroom, presumably one of many throughout the
harem, is appointed with a multitude of exotic furs, warm to the touch as though still alive. The heady aroma of cologne and incense mingle in the air. There's an exit to the southeast and a secret passage leads downward.
Sultaness' husband #3906 is here, lying seductively naked on a bed
of furs.
action: You examine the husband
response: A mere glance at the succulent, sexy body of Sultaness' husband #3906 is enough to get you all moist and randy.
action: Kiss husband
response: Sultaness' husband #3906 moans softly and draws closer to you.
action: Go downwards
response: As you leave, Sultaness' husband #3906 gathers you into his powerful arms. Nibbling tenderly on your neck, he whispers, "Be wary -- the catacombs are dangerous." He kisses you longingly, but eventually you descend, reluctantly, into the gloom of the catacombs...

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
"Yo!" says Tiffany, tapping your shoulder. "Looked like my number
was up that time! Would've been, if those dimension-hopping midgets hadn't come through at the right moment. Good thing the tiger cage leads to the catacombs, eh?" She brushes a stray patch of fur off her shoulder.
action: Go northwest
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: Hop
response: Splash.
action: Clap
response: Clap.
action: You go northeast
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany trails along.
action: Kweepa
response: A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Go east
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You go to the north-east
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Hop
response: Splash.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Go downwards
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading downwards.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go upward
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading upwards.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You go to the north-west
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

No living creature can even guess how long this storehouse has sat amidst the catacombs, undisturbed by man or by time, untouched by wars and weather, a silent witness to the passing eons, the rise and fall of empires, the births and deaths of countless billions, its only visitor the dark waters of a Martian canal.
Sitting in one corner is a Cleveland telephone directory.
Tiffany trails along.
action: Go northwest
response: You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go southeast
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Damp walls of brick rise to a point of light far above. A black
circle is visible just below the surface of the water.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You step on the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's elbow appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
action: Inventory
response: You have a secret map, a reliable torch (providing light), a coded message, a stool, a wicker basket, a matchbook, a scrap of paper, a blanket, a painting, a flashlight (providing light), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a stick of lip balm and a tray. Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a secret map, a reliable torch (providing light), a stool, a wicker basket, a matchbook, a scrap of paper, a blanket, a painting, a flashlight (providing light), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a coded message, a stick of lip balm and a tray. Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Inventory
response: You have a secret map, a reliable torch (providing light), a stool, a wicker basket, a scrap of paper, a blanket, a painting, a flashlight (providing light), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a matchbook, a coded message, a stick of lip balm and a tray. Sitting on the tray is a hunk of chocolate.
action: You examine the tray
response: You can see a hunk of chocolate.
action: PUT MESSAGE, MATCHBOOK, SCRAP, BLANKET IN BASKET
response: coded message: Done.
matchbook: Done.
scrap of paper: Done.
blanket: Done.
action: Inventory
response: You have a secret map, a reliable torch (providing light), a stool, a wicker basket, a flashlight (providing light), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook, a coded message and a stick of lip balm.
action: Go east
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: You go up
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading upwards.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You go to the northwest
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

No living creature can even guess how long this storehouse has sat amidst the catacombs, undisturbed by man or by time, untouched by wars and weather, a silent witness to the passing eons, the rise and fall of empires, the births and deaths of countless billions, its only visitor the dark waters of a Martian canal.
Sitting in one corner is a Cleveland telephone directory.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You take the directory
response: Taken.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Go northwest
response: You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go west
response: Clap.

You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You go north
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

This spot is much like the rest of the catacombs, except that a
ladder leads up into the darkness.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go upwards
response: You climb for a seemingly endless time, with the ladder becoming increasingly rickety. Suddenly a rung snaps, and you tumble into the darkness! You bounce painfully into a slanted ventilation shaft, slide through a wooden grating, and land amidst thousands of silk jockstraps.

One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Today must be drying day at the laundry, since there's only one clothes pin left.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You take the pin
response: Taken.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: You put the pin in the basket
response: Done.
action: Superbrief
response: Super-brief descriptions.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany trails along.
Clap.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany follows you.
Clap.
action: Hop
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
Splash.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany trails along.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading downwards.

Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
Clap.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
Clap.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany trails along.
Clap.
action: Hop
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany follows you.
Splash.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading upwards.

Tiffany trails along.
Clap.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Clap
response: Taken.
Clap.
action: Hop
response: Tiffany follows you.
Splash.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
Clap.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Hop
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a hidden passage leading downwards.

Tiffany follows you.
Splash.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany trails along.
Clap.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany follows you.
Clap.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Hop
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany trails along.
Splash.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Tiffany follows you.
A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Hop
response: You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.

Splash.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.

Clap.
The torch is noticeably dimmer.
action: Kweepa
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany trails along.

A Martian hawk, hearing the cry of a possible mate, flies up and begins squawking and flapping a mating ritual. As it pauses to catch its breath, it takes a better look at you, rubs its eyes, and flies quickly away.
action: Clap
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.

Clap.
action: You go north
response: You wade into the gloom ... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

This spot is much like the rest of the catacombs, except that a
ladder leads up into the darkness.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: Go upward
response: You climb for a seemingly endless time, with the ladder becoming increasingly rickety. Suddenly a rung snaps, and you tumble into the darkness! You bounce painfully into a slanted ventilation shaft, slide through a wooden grating, and land amidst thousands of silk jockstraps.

One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Today must be drying day at the laundry, since there's only one clothes pin left.
Tiffany follows you.
"Phfffft!" The torch goes out.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a raft, a Cleveland phone book, a secret map, a stool, a wicker basket, a flashlight (providing light), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a clothes pin, a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook, a coded message and a stick of lip balm.
action: You look at the book
response: [Which book do you mean, the Cleveland phone book, the matchbook, or the rule book?]
action: You look at phone book
response: It looks like every other Cleveland phone book you've ever seen.
action: Look around
response: One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
You can see an unreliable torch here.
action: Smell the laundry
response: That's not important; leave it alone.
action: Go north
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You look in well
response: Handholds lead downward!
action: Go downwards
response: You climb down the well for a long distance. Near the bottom the handholds end, so you and Tiffany leap the rest of the way, landing on a black circle. You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's big toe appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You get out
response: [royal barge]
You and Tiffany get out of the royal barge.
action: Go east
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go to the east
response: These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: Go north
response: The good news is that this hall is intoxicatingly beautiful, laid
with the snow-white fur of the rare Martian Velvetworm and endowed with platinum arches and balustrades. Silky curtains embrace openings to the south, southwest, and west.
The bad news is that no woman has ever entered the Audience Chamber
of the Sultaness and departed alive.
The Sultaness is here, arguing loudly with one of her legal
advisors.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You enter the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

It's too dark to see a thing.
A few seconds later, you feel Tiffany's nose appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You turn on the flashlight
response: Okay, the flashlight is now on.

You are in a dark space, too tiny to move around in. There are no visible exits.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself. Suddenly, part of the floor collapses, and you and Tiffany tumble through the resulting hole...

You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door
(now open) forms the southern wall of the cell.
Among the new rubble, you notice a black circle, attached to a
piece of (what used to be) the floor of the cramped space.
"What a great cell!" says Tiffany, looking around. "Why didn't I
get a cell like this? Maybe I shouldn't have kicked that guard in the nuts when I first got here..."
action: You enter the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's elbow appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: Go west
response: If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go to the east
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany trails along.
action: Go northeast
response: The good news is that this hall is intoxicatingly beautiful, laid
with the snow-white fur of the rare Martian Velvetworm and endowed with platinum arches and balustrades. Silky curtains embrace openings to the south, southwest, and west.
The bad news is that no woman has ever entered the Audience Chamber
of the Sultaness and departed alive.
The Sultaness is here, arguing loudly with one of her legal
advisors.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go southwest
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: Go downwards
response: If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You go downward
response: You climb down the well for a long distance. Near the bottom the handholds end, so you and Tiffany leap the rest of the way, landing on a black circle. You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's earlobe appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You examine the barge
response: This large barge could host a host of royal guests. The barge rests immobile at the dockside, despite a strong current and no visible mooring lines. There are some simple controls on the side of the barge nearest the dock.
action: You examine the controls
response: The controls consist of a huge orange button, and a huge purple button. Both buttons have writing on them.
action: You read the purple button
response: The huge purple button reads: Full Speed Ahead.
action: You read the orange button
response: The huge orange button reads: MagnetoMoor On.
action: You look around
response: Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. The dark clouds of a sandstorm are visible on the horizon.
The royal barge drifts further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. A smaller canal flows diagonally into this one, and the channel widens slightly to accommodate the heavier flow.
action: You look at the glint
response: You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: Wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. A dock
is visible on the western shore. A red warning buoy is anchored nearby. A sign atop the swaying buoy shows a skull and crossbones. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: You read the sign
response: The sign has no writing, only the skull and crossbones.
The royal barge drifts further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: You look around
response: One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 husbands alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
Tiffany is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.
You can see an unreliable torch here.
action: Go downwards
response: You climb down the well for a long distance. Near the bottom the handholds end, so you and Tiffany leap the rest of the way, landing on a black circle. You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's elbow appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You get out
response: [royal barge]
You and Tiffany get out of the royal barge.
action: Go east
response: glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You go west
response: If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look
just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany trails along.
action: You go upwards
response: By standing erect at the parapet of this mighty tower, you command
an exciting view. Below, gardens and courtyards intermingle with the palace buildings, forming a fertile oasis in the Martian desert. Off to the west, docks straddle a deep canal. On the far shore, sand dunes lap at crumbling buildings. On the top step of a winding stair is a black circle.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You enter the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

You are in a dark space, too tiny to move around in. There are no visible exits.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's nose appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You turn on the flashlight
response: It already is!
Suddenly, part of the floor collapses, and you and Tiffany tumble through the resulting hole...

You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door
(now open) forms the southern wall of the cell.
Among the new rubble, you notice a black circle, attached to a
piece of (what used to be) the floor of the cramped space.
"What a great cell!" says Tiffany, looking around. "Why didn't I
get a cell like this? Maybe I shouldn't have kicked that guard in the nuts when I first got here..."
action: You enter circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's big toe appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. A smaller canal flows diagonally into this one, and the channel widens slightly to accommodate the heavier flow.
action: Wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. The dark clouds of a sandstorm are visible on the horizon. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: You wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The
banks of the canal are steep and sandy. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: Wait
response: Time passes...
The royal barge barges further down the canal.

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. A dock
is visible on the western shore. A red warning buoy is anchored nearby. A sign atop the swaying buoy shows a skull and crossbones. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
action: You go to the east
response: If you want to jump in the canal, say so.
action: Describe the surroundings
response: This tiny dock is the maritime entrance to the once-famous
Wattz-Upp section of Mars. East of the dock is a wide, north-south canal; you can hear a gurgling sound to the west. There's a chill in the air; you might be approaching the south polar cap.
Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
action: You go west
response: This is a remarkable sight on arid Mars -- subsurface water
bubbling up in a fountain, flowing around a black circle, and soaking into the thirsty sand. A path curves east around the sand dunes. To the west: unchartable desert.
A little bunny rabbit is sipping at the waters of the oasis.
Tiffany trails along.
Inexplicably, the circle fades before your very eyes, slowly going from black to white.
action: You look at the circle
response: It looks like every other white circle you've ever seen.
action: You enter the circle
response: Nothing happens.
action: You examine the rabbit
response: Totally ordinary looking rabbit.
action: Look around
response: This is a remarkable sight on arid Mars -- subsurface water
bubbling up in a fountain, flowing around a white circle, and soaking into the thirsty sand. A path curves east around the sand dunes. To the west: unchartable desert.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
action: You go east
response: This tiny dock is the maritime entrance to the once-famous
Wattz-Upp section of Mars. East of the dock is a wide, north-south canal; you can hear a gurgling sound to the west. There's a chill in the air; you might be approaching the south polar cap.
A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You go to the east
response: If you want to jump in the canal, say so.
action: Go west
response: This is a remarkable sight on arid Mars -- subsurface water
bubbling up in a fountain, flowing around a white circle, and soaking into the thirsty sand. A path curves east around the sand dunes. To the west: unchartable desert.
Tiffany trails along.
action: Go west
response: No, not a typo. "Dessert" refers to the fifty foot Martian Cream
Pie here. A mirage, of course. People hopelessly lost in the desert often see strange mirages, such as cream pies, lakes, or trails to the northwest and southeast.
Tiffany follows you.
action: Go northwest
response: I guess the paths aren't a mirage...

This ancient castle now lies in ruins. (There do seem to be quite a few of them around here, eh?) All that remains of its once-proud ramparts are dust and rubble, and an occasional stone block. A path leads away from the ruin to the west. To the east: unchartable desert. Sitting on one of the stone blocks is a large green frog. Something about it catches your eye.
Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You look at the frog
response: You realize what aroused your attention: the tiny gold crown on the frog's head. The frog is otherwise totally ordinary. Ordinary for a frog, that is. By any other measure it is a repulsive creature, with swollen eyes, oozing warts, slimy skin, and a grating croak.
action: Kiss frog
response: You lean forward, but just as you are about to kiss the frog the sight of its green warts and slimy skin make it impossible to continue.
action: You take the frog
response: Nice try.
action: Kiss frog
response: You lean forward with your eyes closed, but just as you are about to kiss the frog the stench of old pond scum overwhelms you, and you lurch back, retching.
action: Inventory
response: You have a rabbit, an unreliable torch, a raft, a Cleveland phone book, a secret map, a stool, a wicker basket, a flashlight, a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a clothes pin, a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook, a coded message and a stick of lip balm.
action: You drop all
response: rabbit: Dropped.
unreliable torch: Dropped.
raft: Dropped.
Cleveland phone book: Dropped.
secret map: Dropped.
stool: Dropped.
wicker basket: Dropped.
flashlight: Dropped.
rule book: You change your mind and stick it back in your back pocket instead.
brass bikini: You'll have to remove the brass bikini first.
action: Kiss frog
response: You lean forward with your eyes closed and your nose shut, but just as you are about to kiss the frog the creature lets loose a loud, croaking "ribit." You admit that you are incapable of kissing under such circumstances.
action: You look in the basket
response: You'll have to open your eyes first.
action: You open eyes
response: You can once again sense with your eyes.
action: You look in the basket
response: You can see a clothes pin, a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook, a coded message and a stick of lip balm.
action: You take the clothespin
response: You're already wearing the brass bikini.
action: You remove bikini
response: But the brass bikini is so becoming!
action: You put clothespin on the nose
response: You'll have to remove the brass bikini first.
action: Inventory
response: You have a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn).
action: You put the pin on the nose
response: You pin your proboscis.
action: You open eyes
response: You can once again sense with your eyes.
action: You drop the ears
response: You can once again sense with your ears.
action: You cover the ears
response: [What do you want to cover the ears with?]
action: Kiss frog
response: You lean forward with your eyes closed, your nose shut, your ears covered and your lips smeared with balm. Planting your mouth solidly against the frog's, you kiss deeply. When you feel a tongue sliding into your mouth, revulsion gives way to pleasure, as the no-longer-enchanted but quite enchanting prince presses against you. As your arms grip his naked, muscular back, he effortlessly slips off your brass bikini. A warm and wild feeling springs from your loins, spreading like a fiery potion through your veins. Within moments you are joined in passionate love, and just as a quick and lustful orgasm seems inevitable, a force crackles in the air, and you are alone, naked, sweating, and unsatisfied.
As you gather up your garment and put it on, you notice a common household blender on the ground. There's an engraving on its side. Tiffany is at the other end of the ruin, sifting through some rubble, oblivious to your "experience."
action: You look at the blender
response: There's an engraving on its side.
action: You read the engraving
response: "Dearest,
Sorry to leave so abruptly; perhaps some day we will meet again,
and finish what we began. Please accept this token of my gratitude for delivering me from enchantment."
action: You take all
response: flashlight: Taken.
wicker basket: Taken.
stool: Taken.
secret map: Taken.
Cleveland phone book: Taken.
raft: Taken.
unreliable torch: Taken.
rabbit: Taken.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a rabbit, an unreliable torch, a raft, a Cleveland phone book, a secret map, a stool, a wicker basket, a flashlight, a common household blender, a stick of lip balm (smeared all over your lips), a clothes pin (pinned to your nose), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook and a coded message.
action: You read the scrap
response: There's a seemingly meaningless matrix of letters on the paper: HESOHREBBUR
ILSSSIPNGEF
RGIUGHTHDEN
SNKOOBENOHP
FALYTMERATP
SHEADLIGHTO
SLLABNOTTOC
action: Look around
response: This ancient castle now lies in ruins. (There do seem to be quite a few of them around here, eh?) All that remains of its once-proud ramparts are dust and rubble, and an occasional stone block. A path leads away from the ruin to the west. To the east: unchartable desert. Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
action: You go west
response: As you wander amidst these towering dunes of red Martian sand, you notice three distinct pathways: north, east, and west.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You go west
response: Wind whistles among the fallen archways, crumbled balustrades, and black circle of this ruined castle. (It's no wonder this section of Mars is considered the Ruined Castle Capital of the Solar System.) Paths lead east and northwest through the rubble.
Tiffany loyally stays at your side.
action: You enter the circle
response: You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

This is a moist cellar. Soft light trickles down the stairway.
A few seconds later, you see Tiffany's big toe appear, followed
almost immediately by the rest of her.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: This is a moist cellar. Soft light trickles down the stairway.
Tiffany is here, alertly surveying your surroundings.
action: Go upwards
response: A wide cell door lies open to the north, and a narrow cell door
lies open to the south. The hallway ends at a gleaming metal door to the west, and continues east. Something, possibly this very sentence, tells you that it would be dangerous to travel east or west. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards. Tiffany enters just a few steps behind you.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Wind whistles among the fallen archways, crumbled balustrades, and black circle of this ruined castle. (It's no wonder this section of Mars is considered the Ruined Castle Capital of the Solar System.) Paths lead east and northwest through the rubble.
Tiffany is here, counting on her fingers and mumbling to herself.
action: You go northwest
response: This dock, which extends north into a broad canal, is crafted of
fine woods from across the solar system: hickory wood from the forests of Earth, and dickory wood from the jungles of Venus. A path leads south.
You spot a little white marsmouse running along the dock.
Tiffany follows you.
action: You take the mouse
response: The little fellow scurries easily away from you.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You have a rabbit, an unreliable torch, a raft, a Cleveland phone book, a secret map, a stool, a wicker basket, a flashlight, a common household blender, a stick of lip balm (smeared all over your lips), a clothes pin (pinned to your nose), a rule book (stuck in your back pocket) and a brass bikini (being worn). It seems that the wicker basket contains a hunk of chocolate, a blanket, a scrap of paper, a matchbook and a coded message.
action: Y.
response: debugcheapnitfol quit with exit status: 0