69,105 Keys
by David Welbourn (2009)
Genres: Fantasy

There's just one room. How hard can it be? Just unlock the door. Oh. There's 69,105 keys.

action: %
response: After a series of adventures too mind-boggling to put into words, you finally arrive at the antechamber to the Count's treasure vault! Oh my, oh me...

69,105 Keys

For more about this game, type ABOUT. For credits, type CREDITS.

Wowzers. The Count opted for simplicity and vague elegance in his treasure vault antechamber, choosing to dress the walls, floor, and ceiling alike in money-green marble tiles delicately flecked with gold. Apart from yourself and the stupendously locked vault door to the south, there's nothing here. Except for... THE KEYS.

Like so many fallen autumn leaves, an astonishing number of keys litter the floor of this antechamber.

(the keys)
Just try examining or counting the keys (or interesting subsets of keys).
action: You look at the keys
response: You see nothing special about the keys.

Except, of course, that the keys come in a large number of garish colors. The bows of the keys, that is, the wide ends of the keys are painted in various colors. The shafts of the keys, of course, are not painted.
action: About yourself
response: You're a young adventurer determined to win the Count's final challenge: to obtain the treasure he locked up in his vault so many years ago.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying nothing. So not cool.
action: You take all
response: keys: It's pointless to pick up any of these keys except the one key that you want: the key to the vault door.
action: You count the keys
response: You see 69105 keys here.
action: You look at the door
response: The heavy vault door is closed and locked. Very locked. Your keen adventurer eyes espy the following inscription:

"One of these keys is not like the others.
One of these keys just isn't the same.
That one unique key unlocks my vault.
Perhaps it would help if you tried my name.
-- Count Keys"
action: Look around
response: Wowzers. The Count opted for simplicity and vague elegance in his treasure vault antechamber, choosing to dress the walls, floor, and ceiling alike in money-green marble tiles delicately flecked with gold. Apart from yourself and the stupendously locked vault door to the south, there's nothing here. Except for... THE KEYS.

Like so many fallen autumn leaves, an astonishing 69,105 keys litter the floor of this antechamber.
action: You examine the colours
response: There are numerous colors of keys. You see white keys, black keys, red keys, orange keys, yellow keys, green keys, blue keys, violet keys, brown keys, pink keys, grey keys, turquoise keys, magenta keys, taupe keys, beige keys, aqua keys, navy keys, and cyan keys.

The colors are painted on the bows (the fat ends) of the keys; the metal shafts of the keys are bare. Every key is painted with exactly one color. There are no unpainted keys.
action: You examine the red key
response: You see nothing special about the keys with red bows.

Perhaps you should be more specific? Try specifying the metal as well.
action: You examine the metal
response: Who knew that keys were made in so many types of metal? You can see silver keys, copper keys, steel keys, iron keys, gold keys, nickel keys, bronze keys, brass keys, chrome keys, and even aluminum keys here.
action: You examine the silver keys
response: You see nothing special about the silver keys.

Wait. The keys have brand names stamped on them. Acme, Borden, Carter, and so on. How many brands are there?
action: You get the carter key
response: It's pointless to pick up any of these keys except the one key that you want: the key to the vault door.
action: You count brands
response: There are 6 brands of keys here.
action: You count the colours
response: There are 18 colors of key bows here.
action: You count the metals
response: There are 10 metals used to make the keys here.
action: Count acme
response: You see 13770 Acme keys here.
action: Count borden
response: You see 255 Borden keys here.
action: You count Carter
response: You see 13770 Carter keys here.
action: You examine Borden
response: You see nothing special about the Borden keys. Hmmm. There's gotta be something else...

And there is! Some keys are scratched and some keys are unscratched! At the top of the shafts of some keys, there's a tiny little horizontal scratch. Bwah-ha-ha! Other adventurers might miss such a tiny detail, but not you!

Let's call this the scratchness property. (How many properties is that now?)
action: Count scratchness
response: There are 2 scratchnesses.
action: Count properties
response: Each key has 7 qualities or properties.
action: You count the acme silver keys
response: You see 1530 Acme silver keys here.
action: Count scratched
response: You see 27794 scratched keys here.
action: Count acme silver scratched keys
response: You see 1530 scratched Acme silver keys here.
action: You count unscratched
response: You see 41311 unscratched keys here.
action: Count borden scratched
response: You see 254 scratched Borden keys here.
action: You take unscratched Borden
response: With confidence, you take the one and only unique key.
action: You open the door with the key
response: (the unique key)
You fancy you hear hosannas sing in your honor as you unlock the vault door and claim a treasure so fabulous, a mere text description of which could hardly do it justice. Gosh.
action: You count yourself
response: There's just one of you, babe.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Wowzers. The Count opted for simplicity and vague elegance in his treasure vault antechamber, choosing to dress the walls, floor, and ceiling alike in money-green marble tiles delicately flecked with gold. Apart from yourself and the stupendously locked vault door to the south, there's nothing here. Except for... THE KEYS.

Like so many fallen autumn leaves, an astonishing number of keys litter the floor of this antechamber.
action: Count leaves
response: There are 0 leaves here. But nice try.
action: You remember Count
response: You remember three things about Count Keys. One: he loves counting things. Two: he loves keys. Three: he has a marvelous treasure in his treasure vault. You're not quite sure what this treasure is, but you know he obtained it during his worldwide travels.

In his will, the Count decreed that after he died, a grand contest should be held in his home. Adventurers would compete, solving a series of intricate puzzles of his own design until, finally, one adventurer manages to reach the treasure and claim it. You hope that that adventurer will be you.
action: You count the tiles
response: There are 2400 marble tiles here. You're glad it wasn't you that had to install all these tiles and get them to line up straight. You hate repetitive work.
action: Plugh
response: My original title was always 69,105 Keys, but I brainstormed some other titles anyway. They were: Which Key?; The Count of Keys; Keygasm; Antechamber of Keys; Keys, Keys, Keys; and Qualia Control.
action: You rub Keys
response: That won't help. None of the keys are dusty, dirty, grimy, slimy, tarshined, rusty, or encrusted. Cleanliness is not a property you have to worry about. Be thankful.
action: You examine the brands
response: There's a handful of different brand names printed on the keys: Acme, Borden, Carter, Dynamo, Emperor, and Guardian.
action: Xyzzy
response: A hollow voice sings:
"I xyz zy spiders on the wall... I xyz zy cobwebs in the hall...
I xyz zy candles on the shelf... When I'm alone, I xyz myself!"
action: Count borden
response: You see 13770 Borden keys here.
action: Sing
response: You sing:
"You can't ride in my little wagon,
The front seat's broken, and the back wheel's saggin'.
Chug. Chug. Chug chug chug.
Next verse, the same as the first!
A little bit LOUDER and a little bit WORSE!"
action: Dance
response: This antechamber isn't zoned for public dancing. Nertz.
action: You jump
response: Ugh, no. The Pit of De Spare Keys was exhausting. You've had enough jumping about for today.
action: Blow leaves
response: (first taking the leaves)
You can't see any such thing.
action: You examine the properties
response: Several qualities may help you distinguish one key from another. The keys differ from each other in their size, shape, color, brand name, metal, edging style, and, scratchness. (By "scratchness", we mean whether the key is scratched or not.)
action: You eat the properties
response: (first taking the qualities)
Qualities are an abstract concept which you can only examine or count.
action: You look at edging
response: Carefully inspecting the keys before you, you notice that the edges of the keys' bows have different edging styles. Some edges are milled with tiny grooves. Some keys have pebbled edges which feel bumpy. Some keys have rounded edges. And, of course, some key edges are flat and unadorned.
action: Bother
response: Quite.
action: You screw lock
response: You are unable to.
action: You eat Keys
response: (first taking the keys)
It's pointless to pick up any of these keys except the one key that you want: the key to the vault door.
action: You eat lock
response: (first taking the vault door)
That's hardly portable.
action: Count rounded
response: You see 22950 keys with rounded-edge bows here.
action: Xyzzy
response: A hollow voice sings:
"I xyz zy spiders on the wall... I xyz zy cobwebs in the hall...
I xyz zy candles on the shelf... When I'm alone, I xyz myself!"
action: You kiss yourself
response: If you think that'll help.
action: You squeeze yourself
response: Keep your hands to yourself.
action: Count milled
response: You see 22950 keys with milled-edge bows here.
action: You count flat
response: You see 255 keys with flat-edge bows here.
action: You sort Keys
response: How? There's no obvious order to sort them into.
action: You eat Keys
response: (first taking the keys)
It's pointless to pick up any of these keys except the one key that you want: the key to the vault door.
action: You count yourself
response: There's just one of you, babe.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying nothing. So not cool.
action: Count flat scratched
response: You see 254 scratched keys with flat-edge bows here.
action: You examine the lock
response: The heavy vault door is closed and locked. Very locked. Your keen adventurer eyes espy the following inscription:

"One of these keys is not like the others.
One of these keys just isn't the same.
That one unique key unlocks my vault.
Perhaps it would help if you tried my name.
-- Count Keys"
action: You count the wall
response: There are 4 walls here. No surprise there.
action: You get the inscription
response: That's hardly portable.
action: Sing
response: You sing:
"You can't ride in my little wagon,
The front seat's broken, and the back wheel's saggin'.
Chug. Chug. Chug chug chug.
Next verse, the same as the first!
A little bit LOUDER and a little bit WORSE!"
action: You examine the colors
response: There are numerous colors of keys. You see white keys, black keys, red keys, orange keys, yellow keys, green keys, blue keys, violet keys, brown keys, pink keys, grey keys, turquoise keys, magenta keys, taupe keys, beige keys, aqua keys, navy keys, and cyan keys.

The colors are painted on the bows (the fat ends) of the keys; the metal shafts of the keys are bare. Every key is painted with exactly one color. There are no unpainted keys.
action: Count white
response: You see 4050 keys with white bows here.
action: You screw yourself
response: That would be less than courteous.
action: You screw lock
response: You are unable to.
action: Fuck
response: Count off. Fuck on.
action: You look
response: Wowzers. The Fuck opted for simplicity and vague elegance in his treasure vault antechamber, choosing to dress the walls, floor, and ceiling alike in money-green marble tiles delicately flecked with gold. Apart from yourself and the stupendously locked vault door to the south, there's nothing here. Except for... THE KEYS.

Like so many fallen autumn leaves, an astonishing number of keys litter the floor of this antechamber.
action: You count yourself
response: There's just one of you, babe.
action: You remember Count
response: You remember three things about Fuck Keys. One: he loves fucking things. Two: he loves keys. Three: he has a marvelous treasure in his treasure vault. You're not quite sure what this treasure is, but you know he obtained it during his worldwide travels.
action: You look at Keys
response: In his will, the Fuck decreed that after he died, a grand contest should be held in his home. Adventurers would compete, solving a series of intricate puzzles of his own design until, finally, one adventurer manages to reach the treasure and claim it. You hope that that adventurer will be you.

You see nothing special about the keys.

Except, of course, that the keys come in a large number of garish colors. The bows of the keys, that is, the wide ends of the keys are painted in various colors. The shafts of the keys, of course, are not painted.
action: You look at door
response: The heavy vault door is closed and locked. Very locked. Your keen adventurer eyes espy the following inscription:

"One of these keys is not like the others.
One of these keys just isn't the same.
That one unique key unlocks my vault.
Perhaps it would help if you tried my name.
-- Fuck Keys"
action: You remember Count
response: You remember three things about Fuck Keys. One: he loves fucking things. Two: he loves keys. Three: he has a marvelous treasure in his treasure vault. You're not quite sure what this treasure is, but you know he obtained it during his worldwide travels.

In his will, the Fuck decreed that after he died, a grand contest should be held in his home. Adventurers would compete, solving a series of intricate puzzles of his own design until, finally, one adventurer manages to reach the treasure and claim it. You hope that that adventurer will be you.
action: Fuck the properties
response: Each key has 7 qualities or properties.
action: You count brands
response: There are 6 brands of keys here.
action: Count scratched flat
response: You see 254 scratched keys with flat-edge bows here.
action: You count unscratched flat
response: You see 1 unscratched key with a flat-edge bow here. That's it! Take it!
action: You take it
response: With confidence, you take the one and only unique key.
action: You unlock door
response: (with the unique key)
You fancy you hear hosannas sing in your honor as you unlock the vault door and claim a treasure so fabulous, a mere text description of which could hardly do it justice. Gosh.
action: Amsuing
response: Please give one of the answers above.