Dash Slapney, Patrol Leader
by Andrew Schultz (2011)
Genres: Humor
Slice of Life

You woke up late for the Klondike Derby you stand no chance of winning... unless you and your ragtag, undersized patrol can pull out a win with luck. And a bunch of items lying around your room.

action: %
response: Dash Slapney, Patrol Leader

Man! You forgot about the Klondike Derby today! Your father banged on the door to get you up. There was a bunch of stuff you meant to study and pick up, but it's all helter-skelter now. Your Senior Patrol Leader also dropped some stuff off, too. Something about learning to get by, and it's not really cheating but memory aides. All the same, if you do too much of it, you'll get caught. He also explains that a leader prepares stuff beforehand and pretty much can just WAIT and bark out orders once it's all set.

You just showered, and now you only have a bit of time to grab stuff. Your SPL reckoned that you could win four of seven events in the Klondike Derby and slip by. Any more might be suspicious. Nothing against your leadership skills--just, your patrol's too young, and, well, brains-over-brawn.

It's kind of messy here. You probably don't want to look much at your desk or your bed. You probably should just grab what you can and get going before going outside.

You can see a roll call list, a Klondike Derby Itinerary, a bag of candy wrappers, a pocket trigonometric calculator, a can of Blue River soda (closed), a first aid cheat sheet, a small string of knots, a lashings log, and a techno wheels kit here.
action: You look at the desk
response: Nothing fancy to do here--just take stuff and get out.
action: You get all
response: A good scout doesn't bite off more than he can chew. One thing at a time!
action: You examine Derby
response: You glance over it for a refresher of the tasks you'll be doing. Thankfully there's nothing like building a big ol' pinata a bear can't reach overnight, or having to haul a fellow patrol member around.

2 - Orienteering
3 - Firestarting
4 - First Aid Knowledge
5 - Knot Tying
6 - Rope Lashing
7 - Sledding
action: You get the list
response: You don't need it. But you glance over it to remember who's who.

It's enough to remember your patrol members: Timmy Tines, the eighth grader in Trigonometry. Ted Banning, the science whiz who doesn't just get good grades but makes gadgets. Mikey Mims, annoying know it all--so annoying, people don't want to seem like they know less than he does. Fatty Potter, well, he's not good for much. He eats a lot, you guess.

There's a distinct lack of applied life skills here, but that just makes you plucky underdogs.
action: You get the bag
response: Taken.
action: You examine the bag
response: It's a mess of second-rate candies partially ashamed of their wrappers. You got rid of the good stuff months ago, and the selection of weird hard candies and root beer barrels wasn't all that bad. Still, it's a mess...but wait, there're a few random ones left.
action: You examine sheet
response: It's got all the points of what to do to rescue people if things go wrong in the wilderness, which you're determined never to get close to once you leave Boy Scouts. It's terribly common-sensical when you're reading it but easy to forget once you're not. Still, you can remember everything for about two hours after, and it's also handily rippable so you can destroy the evidence, so to speak. And even if you don't remember, a gung-ho junior patrol member should be able to--or to embarrass you into remembering it.
action: You get the sheet
response: You already have that.
action: You get the log
response: Taken.

You've got as much as you need, now.

You hope what you've got can win enough events. You stumble out to the assistant scoutmaster's van, and after a five-minute drive where everyone's subject to his harangue you heard before, you're dropped off at the pickup area. Your Klondike Derby sled is there and packed--it'll pass inspection. That's more due to your Senior Patrol Leader than you, but what the hey.

A big BE PREPARED sign hovers in the large three-quarters log cabin where troops must register. It seems like a pretty serious hint to hand out assignments before you get going. There may not be time when you are on the trail.
action: Look around
response: There's not much to do here except register, if that big REGISTER sign next to the BE PREPARED sign means anything. Well, you could wait around until a scoutmaster horse collars you and makes you register.

You can see Ted Banning, Fatty Potter, Mikey Mims, and Timmy Tines here.
action: You examine ted
response: Surly, with a touch of acne...he's rather skinny but the puffy coat he's wearing hides that.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a lashings log
a first aid cheat sheet
a small string of knots
a bag of candy wrappers
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: You give the log to Ted
response: "Whoah. That's something I've always been a little confused about."
action: You give the wrappers to Potter
response: "Whoah! Candy! Sucky candy but I could eat about anything right now." He can, and he does, before thoughtlessly tossing the mass of plastic on the ground. "Say! I got an idea! I--I didn't mean to do this, but it's litter now."
action: You examine log
response: It's a log, foot long and three inches thick, with the various lashings on it. They look simpler than knots, but the effort in cinching them makes you lose your stream of thought. Might get the lashings confused with the knots, though.
action: You give the log to Mims
response: He looks at it, nods, and finds about ten different ways to say "of course," none particularly pleasant. Then he finds ten different ways to show everyone why things should work--he divides up the tasks, a couple hitches per person, and you're surprised how quick it all is. You think you delegated effectively. Mikey slips the log inside his coat (weird pockets there) so nobody accuses anyone of cheating.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a first aid cheat sheet
a small string of knots
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Sing
response: Your singing is abominable.
action: You give the cheat sheet to Ted
response: Ted Banning studies the cheat sheet and starts convincing the rest of your patrol that you'd have to be dumb not to figure this out quickly. He's surprisingly persuasive, and motivated by not wanting to get left behind, you go along too. You've been shown it all before, and you're not liable to forget it, and you think you can remember to be decisive and all that. Ted disposes of the cheat sheet--won't do to get caught with it.
action: Doff uniform
response: You'll have to wear it til the Klondike Derby ends.
action: You give the uniform to Timmy
response: (first taking your scout uniform off)
You'll have to wear it til the Klondike Derby ends.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a small string of knots
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: You give the coat to Timmy
response: (first taking the warm coat off)
You shoulda put in on just before leaving, yeah, but you didn't. Enough time wasted already.
action: You look at Timmy
response: He only failed to skip a grade because he was born at the tail-end of acceptance to kindergarten, so he's the shortest kid here. You wonder what he's doing in scouts, or why. You remember an argument he had with his mother about getting Eagle Scout the summer before college. He's wearing a wool hat with a "MATH" patch shaped like the "LOVE" sculpture.
action: You look at the knots
response: They're all the knots you need to know, and sensibly organized, too. But it's still quite possible to mess them up without a refresher. Knots are weird. There're only so many ways rope can go over itself and back, so you should be able to remember them, but there're even more granny knots.
action: You give the plastic to Timmy
response: Actually, you don't need to do much more than sit and wait. No need for fancy stuff. Maybe give patrol members items they might find useful.
action: You sit
response: What do you want to sit on?
action: About yourself
response: You're wearing your scout uniform and a warm coat over that.
action: Xyzzy
response: There's no magic in Scouting, Dash. If you wanted to fear the cold, stay indoors and play a computer game, you made the wrong choice.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a small string of knots
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Look around
response: There's not much to do here except register, if that big REGISTER sign next to the BE PREPARED sign means anything. Well, you could wait around until a scoutmaster horse collars you and makes you register.

You can see Ted Banning, Fatty Potter, Mikey Mims, and Timmy Tines here.
action: Register
response: "Inspection time!"
The scout leader inspects your sled and gives it the thumbs-up. He explains that you will be competing against the Beastie Boys, WWF, Camel and Ninja Turtles patrols. You won't know what order your events are in 'til you get there. A scout needs to be prepared for this sort of thing.

This meadow lives up to its name. You were assigned this at random, while other patrols got Trash Trail, Cluttered Creek and Junk Gully. Hope you can pick up trash.
action: You get the Trash
response: Actually, you don't need to do much more than sit and wait. No need for fancy stuff. Maybe give patrol members items they might find useful.
action: You sit
response: What do you want to sit on?
action: You wait
response: Your patrol starts combing through Litterbug Meadow. You don't dump the candy wrappers in your trash sack all at once, of course. In fact, you have Fatty split them up so everyone gets some candy wrappers. It's enough to put you over the top.

A lot of trees block your way here, but apparently you should be able to slip through them to find the landmarks you need to.
action: Wait
response: You get the feeling that with someone like Timmy, you should've done better than you did, but you left the calculator at home. But you wind up wandering, and with a wobbly compass "guided" by some metal bits you all forgot you had, you never really had a chance.

In this small cabin, you see a poster with a bunch of names of knots, presumably ones you need to tie.
action: Wait
response: There should be a lose message here, but there isn't.

Bleah. There's been no snow, so there're still smashed stalks of straw that didn't get cleared for the summer harvest. But actually, that might be a break--you'd have stood no chance if it was about pushing your sled.
action: You wait
response: You're not sure what Ted did with the wheels, and you're not sure if it's legal for the competition or in general. But ot works. The wheels seem to cut through the solid ground, and the sled darned near to hydroplanes to victory. The big kids can't believe it!

This is a small clearing with a circle of rocks where your nascent fire will, hopefully, go.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a small string of knots
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Wait
response: You do okay, you suppose, or you would've if you'd been allowed to use more than five matches. You have decent enough kindling, but despite blowing, all you can say is that it worked in theory.

This is a small gully with various dummies and staged accidents. A scoutmaster is watching and taking notes.
action: You examine the dummies
response: Actually, you don't need to do much more than sit and wait. No need for fancy stuff. Maybe give patrol members items they might find useful.
action: You wait for a while
response: Ted had enough time to study and yell what to do. He whispers some stuff to you so it looks like you're delegating and listening equally well. Everything goes off without a hitch.

This is a small clearing with a rope bridge that is pretty scary despite not being over a cavern.
action: You wait awhile
response: There should be a win message here, but there isn't.

You've made it to the end of the Klondike Derby and won 3 events!

Sadly, it wasn't enough to avoid the shame of being dead last. A close dead last, but dead last nonetheless. It's the sort of excuse you wanted, to get around to quitting scouting without guilt, but on the other hand, you sort of want redemption.

|TRAS|ORIEN|KNOT|SLED|FIRE|1AID|LASH|TOTAL
Beastie Boys   | 40 | 50 | 40 | 30 | 20 | 30 | 10 |220
Camels         | 30 | 20 | 50 | 40 | 30 | 10 | 20 |200
Ninja Turtles  | 20 | 30 | 20 | 20 | 50 | 40 | 30 |210
WWF            | 10 | 40 | 30 | 50 | 40 | 20 | 40 |230
Smurfs         | 50 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 50 | 50 |190
action: You get the wheels
response: Taken.
action: You examine the soda
response: It advertises the cleanliness of Blue River, wherever that is, in a blue raspberry-flavored concoction which can't be natural. You bought a six-pack a month ago, at a huge discount. You couldn't stomach this last one, but it's still shiny and polished. You look at the bottom of the can for an expiration date, and somehow, a reflection of the sunlight from the window hits you in the eyes. At least it wasn't concentrated in one place.
action: You examine the wheels
response: You got this for Christmas last year from your grandparents but never used it. It has a bunch of parts you don't understand how they fit together, and you suspect you never will.
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a first aid cheat sheet
a pocket trigonometric calculator
a bag of candy wrappers
a techno wheels kit
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Wait
response: "Inspection time!"
"No food or drink on the trail, scouts. Especially junk food." The adult leader checking you in takes your candy!
The scout leader inspects your sled and gives it the thumbs-up. He explains that you will be competing against the Beastie Boys, WWF, Camel and Ninja Turtles patrols. You won't know what order your events are in 'til you get there. A scout needs to be prepared for this sort of thing.

Bleah. There's been no snow, so there're still smashed stalks of straw that didn't get cleared for the summer harvest. But actually, that might be a break--you'd have stood no chance if it was about pushing your sled.
action: You give the wrappers to Potter
response: "Whoah! Candy! Sucky candy but I could eat about anything right now." He can, and he does, before thoughtlessly tossing the mass of plastic on the ground. "Say! I got an idea! I--I didn't mean to do this, but
action: You give the candy to Fatty
response: it's litter now."

Actually, you don't need to do much more than sit and wait. No need for fancy stuff. Maybe give patrol members items they might find useful.
action: You wait
response: "Inspection time!"
The scout leader inspects your sled and gives it the thumbs-up. He explains that you will be competing against the Beastie Boys, WWF, Camel and Ninja Turtles patrols. You won't know what order your events are in 'til you get there. A scout needs to be prepared for this sort of thing.

A lot of trees block your way here, but apparently you should be able to slip through them to find the landmarks you need to.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a first aid cheat sheet
a pocket trigonometric calculator
a techno wheels kit
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Look around
response: A lot of trees block your way here, but apparently you should be able to slip through them to find the landmarks you need to.

You can see Fatty Potter, Ted Banning, Timmy Tines, and Mikey Mims here.
action: You look at Timmy
response: He only failed to skip a grade because he was born at the tail-end of acceptance to kindergarten, so he's the shortest kid here. You wonder what he's doing in scouts, or why. You remember an argument he had with his mother about getting Eagle Scout the summer before college. He's wearing a wool hat with a "MATH" patch shaped like the "LOVE" sculpture.
action: You give the calculator to Timmy
response: "Hey! Yeah! That's a lot easier than using a fiddly old compass and whatnot!" Timmy snatches the calculator and begins to tap away, given the instructions and rotations and so forth. He coordinates it to the map and it's pretty clear about where you'll wind up, where you're going, and so forth. Timmy obviously needs to keep the calculator so there's no way you can lose.
action: You wait
response: Timmy's worked it all out. You know where to go, and when you're off a bit, the landmarks that the organizers laid out are pretty clear. It's a snap. Full points for the Smurf patrol!

This is a small gully with various dummies and staged accidents. A scoutmaster is watching and taking notes.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
a first aid cheat sheet
a techno wheels kit
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: You read the sheet
response: It's got all the points of what to do to rescue people if things go wrong in the wilderness, which you're determined never to get close to once you leave Boy Scouts. It's terribly common-sensical when you're reading it but easy to forget once you're not. Still, you can remember everything for about two hours after, and it's also handily rippable so you can destroy the evidence, so to speak. And even if you don't remember, a gung-ho junior patrol member should be able to--or to embarrass you into remembering it.
action: You look around
response: This is a small gully with various dummies and staged accidents. A scoutmaster is watching and taking notes.

You can see Fatty Potter, Ted Banning, Timmy Tines, and Mikey Mims here.
action: You examine ted
response: Surly, with a touch of acne...he's rather skinny but the puffy coat he's wearing hides that.
action: You look at Mikey
response: He's got a sly leer behind these glasses, but it's more looking for prey to outsmart than to molest.
action: You look at Tines
response: He only failed to skip a grade because he was born at the tail-end of acceptance to kindergarten, so he's the shortest kid here. You wonder what he's doing in scouts, or why. You remember an argument he had with his mother about getting Eagle Scout the summer before college. He's wearing a wool hat with a "MATH" patch shaped like the "LOVE" sculpture.
action: You give the sheet to Mikey
response: Nah, that's too practical for him. He'd take too long to learn it, and he couldn't share it.
action: You give the sheet to Ted
response: That'd be like pulling out a cheat sheet during a test.
action: Wait
response: Well, you get credit for trying, but unfortunately, that's only about ten percent. Every fifty-fifty choice you make seems to go against you, and of course it makes sense when it's explained--too late for you to do anything.

This is a small clearing with a rope bridge that is pretty scary despite not being over a cavern.
action: Y.
response: Dash Slapney, Patrol Leader

Man! You forgot about the Klondike Derby today! Your father banged on the door to get you up. There was a bunch of stuff you meant to study and pick up, but it's all helter-skelter now. Your Senior Patrol Leader also dropped some stuff off, too. Something about learning to get by, and it's not really cheating but memory aides. All the same, if you do too much of it, you'll get caught. He also explains that a leader prepares stuff beforehand and pretty much can just WAIT and bark out orders once it's all set.

You just showered, and now you only have a bit of time to grab stuff. Your SPL reckoned that you could win four of seven events in the Klondike Derby and slip by. Any more might be suspicious. Nothing against your leadership skills--just, your patrol's too young, and, well, brains-over-brawn.

It's kind of messy here. You probably don't want to look much at your desk or your bed. You probably should just grab what you can and get going before going outside.

You can see a roll call list, a Klondike Derby Itinerary, a bag of candy wrappers, a pocket trigonometric calculator, a can of Blue River soda (closed), a first aid cheat sheet, a small string of knots, a lashings log, and a techno wheels kit here.
action: You get the aid sheet and the calculator and the can and the wrappers
response: first aid cheat sheet: Taken.

pocket trigonometric calculator: Taken.

can of Blue River soda: Taken.

bag of candy wrappers: Taken.

You've got as much as you need, now.

You hope what you've got can win enough events. You stumble out to the assistant scoutmaster's van, and after a five-minute drive where everyone's subject to his harangue you heard before, you're dropped off at the pickup area. Your Klondike Derby sled is there and packed--it'll pass inspection. That's more due to your Senior Patrol Leader than you, but what the hey.

A big BE PREPARED sign hovers in the large three-quarters log cabin where troops must register. It seems like a pretty serious hint to hand out assignments before you get going. There may not be time when you are on the trail.
action: You give the wrappers to Potter
response: "Whoah! Candy! Sucky candy but I could eat about anything right now." He can, and he does, before thoughtlessly tossing the mass of plastic on the ground. "Say! I got an idea! I--I didn't mean to do this, but it's litter now."
action: You open can
response: Nah, it's too nasty. The rest of the six-pack was enough.
action: You give the sheet to Ted
response: Ted Banning studies the cheat sheet and starts convincing the rest of your patrol that you'd have to be dumb not to figure this out quickly. He's surprisingly persuasive, and motivated by not wanting to get left behind, you go along too. You've been shown it all before, and you're not liable to forget it, and you think you can remember to be decisive and all that. Ted disposes of the cheat sheet--won't do to get caught with it.
action: You give the calculator to Mims
response: "I'm not the Math Guy. Timmy is. Duh."
action: You give the calculator to Timmy
response: "I know, I know, I'm a math guy. What's that got to do with what we're doing NOW?"
action: You give the can to Potter
response: "Oh, man! Haven't had one of these for a while." He guzzles it down and wipes his mouth. Then he hands you back the empty can. Well, at least it won't get confiscated as outside food, now.
action: You give the can to Mims
response: "No way, Dash! That's disgusting. Even Fatty might not drink it."
action: Examine can
response: It advertises the cleanliness of Blue River, wherever that is, in a blue raspberry-flavored concoction which can't be natural. You bought a six-pack a month ago, at a huge discount. You couldn't stomach this last one, but it's still shiny and polished. You look at the bottom of the can for an expiration date, and somehow, a reflection of the sunlight from the window hits you in the eyes. At least it wasn't concentrated in one place.
action: Examine can
response: It advertises the cleanliness of Blue River, wherever that is, in a blue raspberry-flavored concoction which can't be natural. You bought a six-pack a month ago, at a huge discount. You couldn't stomach this last one, but it's still shiny and polished. You half-heartedly try to shine the can in your eyes again, but there's probably some weird mathematical formula behind it.
action: You give the can to Timmy
response: "No way, Dash! That's disgu..." ... Timmy takes a closer look at it and realizes it might be handy for focusing light at the vertex of the parabola. The can's his now.
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a pocket trigonometric calculator
a warm coat (being worn)
your scout uniform (being worn)
action: Wait
response: "Inspection time!"
The scout leader inspects your sled and gives it the thumbs-up. He explains that you will be competing against the Beastie Boys, WWF, Camel and Ninja Turtles patrols. You won't know what order your events are in 'til you get there. A scout needs to be prepared for this sort of thing.

This is a small gully with various dummies and staged accidents. A scoutmaster is watching and taking notes.
action: Wait
response: Ted had enough time to study and yell what to do. He whispers some stuff to you so it looks like you're delegating and listening equally well. Everything goes off without a hitch.

Bleah. There's been no snow, so there're still smashed stalks of straw that didn't get cleared for the summer harvest. But actually, that might be a break--you'd have stood no chance if it was about pushing your sled.
action: You wait awhile
response: You're not sure what Ted did with the wheels, and you're not sure if it's legal for the competition or in general. But ot works. The wheels seem to cut through the solid ground, and the sled darned near to hydroplanes to victory. The big kids can't believe it!

A lot of trees block your way here, but apparently you should be able to slip through them to find the landmarks you need to.
action: You give the calculator to Timmy
response: "Hey! Yeah! That's a lot easier than using a fiddly old compass and whatnot!" Timmy snatches the calculator and begins to tap away, given the instructions and rotations and so forth. He coordinates it to the map and it's pretty clear about where you'll wind up, where you're going, and so forth. Timmy obviously needs to keep the calculator so there's no way you can lose.
action: Wait
response: Timmy's worked it all out. You know where to go, and when you're off a bit, the landmarks that the organizers laid out are pretty clear. It's a snap. Full points for the Smurf patrol!

In this small cabin, you see a poster with a bunch of names of knots, presumably ones you need to tie.
action: Wait
response: There should be a lose message here, but there isn't.

This is a small clearing with a rope bridge that is pretty scary despite not being over a cavern.
action: You wait a while
response: There should be a lose message here, but there isn't.

This meadow lives up to its name. You were assigned this at random, while other patrols got Trash Trail, Cluttered Creek and Junk Gully. Hope you can pick up trash.
action: Wait
response: Your patrol starts combing through Litterbug Meadow. You don't dump the candy wrappers in your trash sack all at once, of course. In fact, you have Fatty split them up so everyone gets some candy wrappers. It's enough to put you over the top.

This is a small clearing with a circle of rocks where your nascent fire will, hopefully, go.