Queuelty
by Sarah Morayati (2010)
Genres: Fantasy


action: %
response: People. People. So many people.

You weren't quite sure what you were expecting. Crowds, sure, but not ten thousand people crammed into a tenth as many square feet until they ferment. They're sort of herded along by barriers and signs, but once you reach critical mass of a couple thousand, it just looks like an enormous mass. Fortunately, you made it to the end of the line. Unfortunately, so did Brody.

Brody leers at you with either malice or lechery. You can't decide which would be worse.
action: You examine Brody
response: Brody is an asshole.

Yes, you've been known to prematurely call people assholes before, and you're becoming a bit worried that you're being typecast as the sort of person who indiscriminately dubs people assholes. But Brody really is an asshole.

Brody has painstakingly manhandled his hair into what was probably a mohawk at one point. You have nothing against follicular self-expression, except when it's going to be sitting in front of you. Or when each individual plume of hair has a middle finger sculpted into it. He's wearing a ratty old T-shirt, on which he has just spray-painted (you can smell it): "DEVELOPERS! ASK ME ABOUT THE KICK-ASS GAME IDEA THAT WILL MAKE ME A MILLIONAIRE!" (Millionaire is in its own special shade of blood red.

And you would be remiss not to mention the giant sign. You came to this convention to meet like-minded, wonderful people who do not wave giant signs in your face. You instead met Brody, a non-minded, wonder-free personoid who quite enjoys this. Especially when said signs depict naked people.
action: You examine sign
response: (the signs)
The usual signs, listing the PAX rules, the exits, you know the drill. The only sign you really care about is the one that indicates that there's only one more seat left in the panel.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.
action: About you
response: You've always felt a bit out of place at conventions like this; you're not a big gamer, and you've never cosplayed in your life. And you're female, as much as you wish this wasn't an issue. But you love interactive fiction, so this was like your dream come true.
action: Punch brody
response: The rules here tell you not to punch or kick people. More pertinently, they're enforced by about 100 beefy bodyguards scattered around the places you're not looking. Besides, the rules don't say a word about the magical equivalent of punching and kicking.
action: Spells
response: You are the master of the following spells:
blorb: The blorb spell lets you safely protect a small object, as though in a strongbox. You wouldn't think it was so useful, but when was the last time you saw a strongbox?
cleesh: The cleesh spell lets you change something into a small amphibian. It's kind of fun being a stereotypical witch out of a kid's TV show.
exex: The exex spell lets you make things and/or people go faster. Hence the name.
filfre: The filfre spell lets you create gratuitous fireworks. Fortunately for party hosts, it works even better when you're drunk. frotz: The frotz spell allows you to cause something to give off light. You love this spell. No more do you have to travel by the light of your cell phone!
gnusto: The gnusto spell lets you write a spell into a spellbook. You, like most magicians, dislike it; you never reveal your secrets to the world. It's the only leg up you've got on the bastards.
gondar: The gondar spell lets you put out an open flame. It makes you pretty popular at parties.
guncho: The guncho spell lets you banish someone to another plane of existence. In theory. In practice, it does absolutely nothing for you. You're sure there's some crappy cop-out excuse, like this convention room is actually the meeting point of every possible plane of existence, making them geometrically -- technically -- the same plane, but you're pretty sure you just can't make it work.
izyuk: The izyuk spell lets you fly. It also works on other people, you guess, but when you're got a flying spell you are keeping that shit for yourself, OK?
krebf: The krebf spell lets you repair willful damage to something. It's made you far too careless for comfort.
kulcad: The kulcad spell allows you to dispel another spell. You love do-overs.
melbor: The melbor spell lets you protect a magic user from harm from an evil being. You've had to duck into the bathroom and cast it at least three times this afternoon.
nitfol: The nitfol spell allows you to converse with the beasts in their own language. It is the only reason why you have not yet been fired.
ozmoo: The ozmoo spell allows you to make something survive unnatural death. No, you don't know if it works in the afterlife and aren't keen to find out.
rezrov: The rezrov spell lets you open things, even locked or enchanted things. It works either literally or figuratively, but you don't like to use it literally much after you accidentally split your best friend's goldfish in two.
vaxum: The vaxum spell lets you make a hostile creature your friend. It is the other reason why you have not yet been fired.
zifmia: The zifmia spells lets you magically summon a being. Out of all of your spells, it is among the most likely to get you arrested.
action: Vaxum brody
response: All of the jerkery vanishes from Brody's face. He reaches out and shakes your hand, and nothing else. "Oh wow! It's so great to see a girl at PAX." You nod. "So what are you in line for?"

"Oh, there's this panel --"

"The interactive fiction panel?"

"That's the one!"

Brody looks over at the room. Into the doors. At the single remaining seat. "Looks like there's only one seat," he says, voice hardening.

"Yeah," you say flatly. "Looks like."

"So what the fuck are you here for?" He releases a torrent of misogyny. Guess not even vaxum can make him nice.
action: You exex yourself
response: You hardly need to; you're sure you can outspeed Brody as it is. His presence is the problem here.
action: Guncho brody
response: As much as you'd love to guncho the hell out of Brody, it just doesn't work.

As much as you'd love to guncho the hell out of Brody, it just doesn't work.
action: Exex crowd
response: Like you're seriously gonna do a favor for a bunch of strangers. They're behind you, and they haven't seen it fit to open up to you, so there.
action: Rezrov crowd
response: You speak the words, and all of a sudden, everything changes. The crowd seems so much less threatening, much less likely to trample you into a pulp or absorb you into its flesh.

"Oh hey, man!" one of the attendees says. "Oh. Sorry. Hey there, uh, you!"

"Madeline," you say. "Nice to meet you."

"You too! the guy responds. "I'm sorry -- we were just so caught up in the line that we completely forgot there was anyone else here." He smiles and shakes your hand, and the cluster of people beside him opens up a bit, into a circle. You should rezrov your social life more often.
action: Cleesh crowd
response: You can't see what your spell did, but you're sure that somewhere in the morass, somebody is now frantically dodging feet.

Someone tries to summon Captain Planet from somewhere in the crowd.

"So did you see the Street Fighter panel?"

"Nope," you say.

"GTA?"

"No," you say, a bit less chirpily. You feel like something in a museum.
action: Nitfol crowd
response: You speak the words, and everything changes again. (Isn't magic awesome?)

"So did you ever play Photopia?"

"I love Photopia!" you exclaim. "It's actually the only game that's ever made me cry."

"Really? Me too!" a guy from the crowd exclaims. "Did you play..." And five minutes pass, and they are wonderful.

You duck as someone throws a paper airplane at you.
action: Izyuk yourself
response: Maybe after the convention. That way you can get a refund on your flight.

"So did you play Broken Legs?"

"I loved that game!" You grin. "Like, if the author could just come to my home and be my personal writing slave it would be awesome. Is that so weird?"

"Yeeeeeaaah," a girl -- a girl! in the crowd says after a while. "That's pretty weird. And there needs to be a post-comp version."

"Oh." You hardly know what to say anymore.
action: Exex crowd
response: You cast the spell, but there are just too many people for it to have any noticeable effect. PAX: its attendance is stronger than magic.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You weren't quite sure what you were expecting. Crowds, sure, but not ten thousand people crammed into a tenth as many square feet until they ferment. They're sort of herded along by barriers and signs, but once you reach critical mass of a couple thousand, it just looks like an enormous mass. Fortunately, you made it to the end of the line. Unfortunately, so did Brody.

A girl glares at you from the crowd -- she's glaring so hard that just by the scowl you can spot her. She's wearing a name tag reading "Elise."

Brody leers at you with either malice or lechery. You can't decide which would be worse.
action: Vaxum crowd
response: It doesn't do anything. Yay, the masses doesn't hate you!
action: Frotz crowd
response: You cast frotz at the masses, but apparently it doesn't take; all you can muster is a sudden flash of bright white light. There must be some highly scientific explanation for this.
action: Filfre
response: A huge plume of fireworks bursts down from the ceiling. Tens of thousands of gamers stand agape for a second.
action: You examine Elise
response: Just looking at Elise, you know that you are out of your element. There's nothing remarkable about her by sight, but somehow, she's managed to score the rapt attention of every teenage and not-so-teenage boy at PAX, and most of the girls -- in short, about tens of thousands of people who are absolutely infatuated with her. She's also glaring at you like your very existence in this line and potentially in this panel is a personal affront to you. You don't get it. Why is everyone the world makes you encounter so horrible to you?

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: Zifmia
response: You'd never be able to find anything you summoned in this crowd if you just cast it into thin air. Normally you at least have a field of vision to work with.
action: Vaxum elise
response: You speak the words, and Elise just changes. Her scowl turns to a smile. Her arms uncross. And all she can talk about is the games she loved, and why she loves them, and how hopeful she is about IF as a form. And she's only talking to you; it's like nobody else matters. And people wonder why you still do magic.
action: Guncho crowd
response: As much as you'd love to guncho the hell out of the masses, it just doesn't work.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.

You notice Elise looking down at this tattered thing. She looks so forlorn, too. You really want to cheer her up.
action: Smell
response: It reeks of overcrowding.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: Krebf elise
response: You cast the krebf spell at Elise, but nothing happens. You probably shouldn't be so disappointed it was undamaged.
action: You talk to Elise
response: You strike up a conversation with Elise. "So what brings you here?"

"Well, I don't know. Seeing people talk, picking up swag, the works." She holds up a small leather-bound book, sort of in tatters. "Like this, for instance. It's supposedly real vellum, or vegan fake vellum, or something -- anyway, it's legit. I got it at one of the booths, and I'd always wanted a spellbook of my own, you know? But then some asshole ripped it out of my hands and tore it up." She sighs. "I really wanted to get back at him, too, but he just stormed off. Him and his stupid hair and his really stupid T-shirt." Your gaze shifts over to Brody for a second. Could there be more than one asshole at this con? Probably, yeah, but perhaps nobody quite at his level.
action: Rezrov crowd
response: You don't really want to cast rezrov at them again. You don't mind them, but you don't exactly want to hear the intimate details of their lives either.
action: Guncho enforcers
response: As much as you'd love to guncho the hell out of the enforcers, it just doesn't work.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: Krebf book
response: You speak the words. Elise looks skeptical at first -- oh damn it, did you undo your spell already? -- but the skepticism quickly dissolves once she notices what happens to your book. It's reforming, kind of like an ice cube freezing, And before you know it, it's as good as new. Possibly better.

"Oh my God," Elise says. "How'd you do that?"

"I know magic," you say, smiling. You try to restrain yourself from a huge monologue to her on the topic, but it's so hard and you kind of want to tell her anyway.
action: You tell Elise about magic
response: (To talk to people in this game, use TALK TO . It's a Speed IF. Its conversational prowess is limited.)
action: You talk to Elise
response: You start to tell Elise about magic, and much to your relief, she doesn't immediately blow you off. You tell her about many things: the time you singlehandedly stopped the Irish potato famine and started the Revolutionary War in one fell swoop to the night you summoned up this delicious chicken-lobster-mango fettuccine for a date. She's absolutely rapt. It might sound weird, but you never knew magic could make your life so awesome!

"So this spellbook. If I wanted to, I could do magic too? Because I've got this asshole that needs a magical ass-whooping."

"Did he have a middle-finger mohawk?"

"YES!" There's so much in her voice: anger, astonishment. Relief. "That's the one."

"If you want to, I can teach you," you say, hardly even knowing it. "Just let me." She nods vigorously. Awesome! Now you just need a plan.
action: Melbor elise
response: You speak the words. Nothing visible happens, but Elise just comes off as so much more... primed. Yeah. That's it. Primed. Primed for ass-of-Brody-kicking.

"Thanks," she says, and it's almost like a one-liner."Now teach me a spell. Do it quickly," she adds.

"I don't have any murder spells," you say.

"So do you have any go-away spells, then?"

"Actually, yes!"

"Then just put it in here! I know you can do that, right?" Your face shouldn't be blanching this much.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: Gnusto book
response: Nothing happens. You were never all that great at gnusto anyway.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: Frotz guncho
response: You cast frotz at guncho, but apparently it doesn't take; all you can muster is a sudden flash of bright white light. There must be some highly scientific explanation for this.
action: Gnusto zifmia
response: Nothing happens. You were never all that great at gnusto anyway.
action: Gnusto guncho
response: You start to speak the words, but it's no use; guncho is appearing in the spellbook, but one pixel at a time. Like you're on a 0.000001 modem. It's depressing. And Elise is sighing more than you ever want to see her sigh. There has to be a way to speed this up.
action: You exex yourself
response: You speak the words. Nothing happens that she can see, but you notice your brain absolutely racing. It's like the 1990s when they were talking about the information superhighway. Except there is one, and it's up in your head. Your casting probably just went up a million times. Like you leveled up. And it feels awesome.
action: Gnusto guncho
response: You speak the words, and gnusto appears in the spellbook. Lightning fast. Like the first time you got a real Internet connection. You grin.

"So is that it?" Elise says.

"That's all," you agree.

"Awesome," she says. "Now stand back!" Elise stomps up to Brody, who regards her with something between contempt and absolute confusion. "Yo. You. You with the stupid hair and the ridiculous T-shirt."

"At your service," he drawls."

"You ruined my spellbook," she says. "And from what I hear, you've been being a real jerk to Madeline here." She points at you. "So what do you have to say to that?"

"Well, shit, I dunno," he responds. "Maybe that I don't care? Shouldn't you be playing like Farmville or Barbie or something?" He laughs. And laughs. And laughs some more.

"No," Elise says. "Maybe I should be playing magic. Because Madeline knows magic. Ever consider that?" She doesn't even let him finish. "And now I know it too. And your ass is going down. Or should I say, going away. GNUSTO!"

You'd love to say that there was this big explosion, full of flashing light, and gravity stopped too, and the world just completely collapsed in on itself. But gnusto was never that flashy. Instead, Brody is just gone, and Elise is standing before you. She gives you a hug, then a high-five. And for once, you're completely lost for words.
action: You look
response: You weren't quite sure what you were expecting. Crowds, sure, but not ten thousand people crammed into a tenth as many square feet until they ferment. They're sort of herded along by barriers and signs, but once you reach critical mass of a couple thousand, it just looks like an enormous mass. Fortunately, you made it to the end of the line. Unfortunately, so did Brody.

Brody seems to have left a lamp behind.

Elise smiles at you. You never even knew you could actually make real friends at these things!
action: You get the lamp
response: Taken.
action: You examine the lamp
response: It's a brass lantern. It looks eminently lightable with the right means.
action: Frotz lamp
response: You speak the words. Immediately, the lamp lights up with bursts of bright, flashing light. You wonder why light always does that.
action: You read the spellbook
response: You really don't think it's real vellum -- the booth guy probably stiffed her -- but it's nevertheless kind of breathtaking. Especially now that it's fixed.
action: Frotz lamp
response: There's no need; it's glowing more than you are.

You notice somebody dressed as Link try to blitz the enforcers, failing miserably.
action: You go north
response: You head through the door, the lamp lighting your way, down the corridor, to your seat, into your chair. The panelists haven't even started yet. But once you sit down, as if magic, they do. And they say wonderful things, and you take in even more wonderful things, all about IF and its future and the amazing things that will be done in the future. It is all you ever wanted out of PAX.