Tooth Ow Zunden Won!
by Duncan Cross (2001)
Genres: Humor


action: %
response: TOOTH OW ZUNDEN WON!

The "Screaming Yak" Curd Diner
One of Io's more successful chains, the Screaming Yak serves the best curd around, and remains popular despite the hamster infestation that has plagued it for almost eight years. The glass double-doors that open out into the moon's surface are to the east, while a door marked "NO ENTRY" lies to the south.

A surly person is standing behind the counter. His name tag says "HELLO. My name is BRUTUS THE CHIHUAHUA."

A menu is hanging on the wall.
action: About yourself
response: As good-looking as ever.
action: You look at the menu
response: Please make your order by kissing the attendant the number of times given for the item.
(3) DOLLOP OF GENERIC CURD
(42) CURD WITH CROUTONS
(88) LESSER-BUTTOCKED VENUSIAN SNAIL SALAD
(6) GRAPE

We guarantee that our curd is made with the finest generic ingredients available on Io.
action: Kiss brutus 88 times
response: You smooch the surly person behind the counter eighty-eight times.

"We're out of lesser-buttocked Venusian snail." says Brutus.
action: Kiss brutus 42 times
response: You smooch the surly person behind the counter forty-two times.

"The crouton machine's busted."
action: Kiss brutus 6 times
response: You smooch the surly person behind the counter six times.

Brutus hands you a grape.
action: Grape
response: Ok.
action: You eat the grape
response: You find a fun prize razorblade inside.
action: Kiss brutus 3 times
response: You smooch the surly person behind the counter three times.

Brutus grabs a handful of curd from somewhere and chucks it straight into your inventory.
action: You examine the curd
response: You can't fail to deny it doesn't look unappetizing.

You feel something brush against your leg. You look down, to see a tiny hamster scuffling about at your feet.
action: You take the hamster
response: Taken.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: Kiss brutus 999 times
response: You smooch the surly person behind the counter nine hundred and ninety-nine times.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: Look around
response: The "Screaming Yak" Curd Diner
One of Io's more successful chains, the Screaming Yak serves the best curd around, and remains popular despite the hamster infestation that has plagued it for almost eight years. The glass double-doors that open out into the moon's surface are to the east, while a door marked "NO ENTRY" lies to the south.

A surly person is standing behind the counter. His name tag says "HELLO. My name is BRUTUS THE CHIHUAHUA."

A menu is hanging on the wall.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: Go east
response: The doors appear to have been sealed with dried curd.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You go south
response: Brutus pulls you back. "Employees only," he mutters.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You ask Brutus about the diner
response: "Don't you want to ask me about the hamsters?"

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You ask Brutus about the hamsters
response: "It's the curd. They love the stuff, the vermin bastards. That's why we've all been issued these aerosol cans."

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You cut the curd
response: What do you want to cut the dollop of curd with?
action: Blade
response: Cutting that up would achieve little.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You put the hamster on the curd
response: Putting things on the dollop of curd would achieve nothing.

The hamster nibbles at the curd in your hand.
action: You throw the hamster at Brutus
response: Brutus pulls an aerosol can behind the counter and sprays the hamster with it. The hamster disintegrates with a shriek. Brutus puts the aerosol can on the counter.
action: You look at the can
response: Mmm, CFCs.
action: You get it
response: Mmm, CFCs.

Brutus stops you. "I need that for the hamsters."
action: You cut Brutus with the blade
response: Cutting him up would achieve little.
action: You show the blade to Brutus
response: The surly person behind the counter is unimpressed.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: The "Screaming Yak" Curd Diner
One of Io's more successful chains, the Screaming Yak serves the best curd around, and remains popular despite the hamster infestation that has plagued it for almost eight years. The glass double-doors that open out into the moon's surface are to the east, while a door marked "NO ENTRY" lies to the south.

On the counter is an aluminium... oh, all right, aluminum
aerosol can.

A surly person is standing behind the counter. His name tag says "HELLO. My name is BRUTUS THE CHIHUAHUA."

A menu is hanging on the wall.
action: You cut the menu
response: (with the razor blade)
Cutting that up would achieve little.
action: You cut can
response: (with the razor blade)
You slash the can with the razor blade. A cloud of green gas spews out, and floats upwards. It hits the ceiling, which crumples to dust, allowing several tons of croutons to drop down from the floor above onto Brutus's head. He never stood a chance.
action: You get the croutons
response: There's too much here to take in one go.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a razor blade
action: You go north
response: The "Screaming Yak" Curd Diner

There is a huge pile of croutons right where that Brutus guy was standing.

On the counter is an aluminium... oh, all right, aluminum
aerosol can.

A menu is hanging on the wall.
action: Yes
response: That was a rhetorical question.
action: You get can
response: Taken.
action: You eat the croutons
response: (first taking the gigantic stack of croutons)
There's too much here to take in one go.
action: You look at the can
response: Mmm, CFCs.
action: You take the can
response: You already have that.
action: You build the ladder
response: What do you want to build ladder from?
action: Examine menu
response: On the back you find full instructions for building a sturdy ladder from croutons.
action: You build the ladder from the croutons
response: You rapidly assemble a ladder from the croutons.
action: You drop the ladder
response: Dropped.
action: You climb the ladder
response: You climb the ladder, and enter the hole.