Interstellar Pizza Brigade
by Peregrine Wade (2016)
Genres: Science Fiction
Comedy

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel through space and time to deliver a pizza. Failure is not an option. Hilarity, however, is. This was written for the 18th Anniversary Speed-IF. The parameters were:"fly a ship and land it in multiple places (planets, asteroids, stations), giant space monster, shape-changing alien, alien infiltrator, no legitimate crew, wormhole, solar flares as a danger, zero gravity, a mysteriously brooding character, weird space combat, getting drunk/high in space, male sexy green alien, instant cloning machine, ray gun, space pizza delivery, and Christopher Walken."

action: %
response: The intercom crackles to life: "Starbase EZ-99 to Centennial Crow... your mission, should you choose to accept it, which we trust you will since otherwise you and your crew will be out of a job... is to deliver PZ-12 to Earth... in the year 1990... Failure is not an option."

The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: About yourself
response: You are Anne Walken, Emergencies Specialist, assigned to the spacecraft Centennial Crow for a period of up to (and potentially including) five years, plus time dilation. So far, the only emergency requiring your expertise was when there was that nasty toilet paper shortage, and that was nine months ago. It is fairly safe to say that you are a wee bit bored. Your previous job was much more exciting, since (among other things) it involved fighting off giant space monsters, dealing with spaceship crews going on strike (all you needed to use was an instant cloning machine, it turned out), and other suchlike things.

The captain yawns. "I can't seem to stay awake, Walken. And this is one tricky maneuver to make... Steering a ship between an exploding star and a supermassive black hole ain't a piece of cake."
action: You look at the Captain
response: You see nothing special about Captain Arnold.

The captain looks like he can barely steer the ship with his brainwaves. Not that his brainwaves were much to talk about, in the first place..
action: You wake captain
response: That seems unnecessary.

The captain yawns. "Walken, get me some coffee. That'll be helpful."
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a ray gun
action: You look at gun
response: It's a vintage LaserLobber 2056, deluxe model. You've had it ever since you graduated from Interstellar University with Superluminal Honours.
action: You look at the hologram
response: The hologram's artificial intelligence is somewhat artificial. Hence it is somewhat appropriate that he looks like a bodybuilder. In order to address issues of extraterrestrial discrimination, it was decided that he should have green skin.
action: Aft
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.
action: Starboard
response: This is the only part of the spaceship where you have any likelihood of finding coffee.

You cannot resist groaning under your breath as you see Engineer Blartswoggle stuffing himself like a pig, one hand clutching a cup of steaming coffee.

The drink dispenser fills up half the room with its staggering presence.
action: You examine the dispenser
response: It's very simple to use, being made up of just one big red button. According to the instruction manual: ""The Megaslurp Psionic Rehydrator reads your mind waves and produces the approriate drink accordingly."
action: You ask the Engineer about the coffee
response: Engineer Blartswoggle turns his head slowly towards you. You suddenly notice that there are tentacles sticking out of his hair!
action: You take the cup
response: That seems to belong to Engineer Blartswoggle.
action: You ask the Engineer for the coffee
response: Engineer Blartswoggle has better things to do.
action: Port
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.
action: Port
response: This is basically a bunch of bunkbeds. No privacy, no luxury, no soap.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, you recognize none other than Lieutenant Hatwonsky, famed for his ability to shoot three aliens with one shoot of his plasma rifle. Oddly enough, the rest of the crew appear to have mysteriously vanished.
action: You hit Hatwonsky
response: Bare-knuckle fighting is so 21th century. This is the future! We use ray guns now!
action: You shoot Hatwonsky
response: You draw your ray gun, but the Lieutenant is too fast for you. He transforms into a great slobbering fanged slugbeast and devours you alive!
action: You shoot engineer
response: You draw your ray gun on the Engineer. "Don't shoot me!" he cries. "Here, take my coffee and give it to the Captain!"
action: You take the coffee
response: You already have that.
action: Forward
response: The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: You give the coffee to Captain
response: "Thanks a lot, Walken," the captain says gratefully. He takes one gulp and spits it out: "Bleurgh! It tastes of alien drool! There are ALIENS on this spaceship! Walken, go and get rid of them! Go!"
action: You shoot engineer
response: You draw your ray gun on the Engineer, and fire off several shots in his direction. In spite of his remarkable corpulence, he dodges easily.
action: You throw the bottle at Engineer
response: You lack the nerve when it comes to the crucial moment.
action: Aft
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

Upon a round, metal table, trapped inside a glistening stasis field, is the reason behind this dangerous mission through space and time... a great, whopping big pizza!
action: You examine the pizza
response: This is not just any ordinary pizza. It has been specially designed for one special person, based on a detailed study of their genetic makeup. And, of course, the flavour is said to be beyond heavenly: perfect crust, delicious tomato sauce, mozzarella that melts in your mouth...
action: You look at the table
response: Specially designed for the pupose.

On the round metal table is a pizza.
action: You open hatch
response: You open the hatch, and get sucked out through the airlock. Shortly afterwards, you are both frozen, carbonized and disintegrated alive.
action: You look at Tube
response: The only part which you can reasonably meddle with is the control panel.
action: You examine the panel
response: There are three large square buttons, one red, one green and one blue. Convenient enough, unless you happen to be colour-blind.
action: Starboard
response: You wave your arms, but you find yourself stuck, floating uselessly in mid air.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

Engineer Blartswoggle is waving his arms like a fool, his tentacles swishing to and fro.

Lieutenant Hatwonsky is floating around in space, trying to bite you and not managing. You notice then that you are floating right in between him and Blartswoggle. Hm...
action: You shoot engineer
response: You fire off a shot, but Newton's Third Law is your downfall. As Blartswoggle's head is blasted off, you are sent flying backwards into Hatwonsky's slavering jaws.
action: You shoot Hatwonsky
response: You fire off a shot, counting on your knowledge of Newton's Third Law to save you. As Hatwonsky's head is blasted off, you are sent flying backwards into  Blartswoggle. The force of the impact disintegrates him into a million little alien slugs, which immediately decide that the Centennial Crow is no place for their kind.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

You can see Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse here.
action: Shoot corpse
response: Wrong target.
action: You ask the hologram about 42
response: The hologram says: "You must hurry, Anne Walken. The stability of spacetime itself is at stake."
action: You take the pizza
response: Taken.
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
a pizza
a bottle of alcohol
a ray gun
action: You drink the alcohol
response: You drink it down in one gulp, feeling it burn the sides of your throat. After the smoke subsides, you begin to see the world differently.
action: You look around
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.
action: You eat the pizza
response: You gobble it up. Shortly afterwards, you are mysteriously erased from history.
action: You put the pizza on the table
response: You put the pizza on the round metal table.
action: Go west
response: This is the only part of the spaceship where you have any likelihood of finding coffee.

The drink dispenser fills up half the room with its staggering presence.
action: Go east
response: This is basically a bunch of bunkbeds. No privacy, no luxury, no soap.
action: Go south
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

On the round metal table is a pizza.
action: Go north
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.
action: You put the pizza in the hatch
response: (first taking the pizza)
The hatch is closed.
action: You examine table
response: Specially designed for the pupose.
action: You examine the pizza
response: This is not just any ordinary pizza. It has been specially designed for one special person, based on a detailed study of their genetic makeup. And, of course, the flavour is said to be beyond heavenly: perfect crust, delicious tomato sauce, mozzarella that melts in your mouth...
action: You eat the corpse
response: That's plainly inedible.
action: You put the corpse on the table
response: You put Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse on the round metal table.
action: You open hatch
response: You open the hatch, and get sucked out through the airlock. Shortly afterwards, you are both frozen, carbonized and disintegrated alive.
action: You look at the table
response: Specially designed for the pupose.

On the round metal table is Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse.
action: Search table
response: On the round metal table is Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse.
action: You shoot captain
response: But that would count as treason and mutiny and Spock knows what else. You've read the rulebook many times: if necessary, you can shoot down every single person in the galaxy to protect the Centennial Crow from destruction, but you cannot kill the captain.
action: You go south
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

On the round metal table is Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse.
action: You go south
response: You wave your arms, but you find yourself stuck, floating uselessly in mid air.
action: You throw the corpse
response: This is zero gravity, remember?
action: You drop the corpse
response: Dropped.
action: You look at gun
response: It's a vintage LaserLobber 2056, deluxe model. You've had it ever since you graduated from Interstellar University with Superluminal Honours.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

You can see Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse here.
action: Yes
response: The intercom crackles to life: "Starbase EZ-99 to Centennial Crow... your mission, should you choose to accept it, which we trust you will since otherwise you and your crew will be out of a job... is to deliver PZ-12 to Earth... in the year 1990... Failure is not an option."

The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: You ask Captain about ship
response: The Captain interrupst you rudely. "Walken, don't you think you should be fetching me some coffee?"

The captain yawns. "I can't seem to stay awake, Walken. And this is one tricky maneuver to make... Steering a ship between an exploding star and a supermassive black hole ain't a piece of cake."
action: You examine the panel
response: There are three large square buttons, one red, one green and one blue. Convenient enough, unless you happen to be colour-blind.
I beg your pardon?
action: You describe your surroundings
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

Engineer Blartswoggle is waving his arms like a fool, his tentacles swishing to and fro.

Lieutenant Hatwonsky is floating around in space, trying to bite you and not managing. You notice then that you are floating right in between him and Blartswoggle. Hm...
action: You shoot lieutenant
response: You fire off a shot, counting on your knowledge of Newton's Third Law to save you. As Hatwonsky's head is blasted off, you are sent flying backwards into  Blartswoggle. The force of the impact disintegrates him into a million little alien slugs, which immediately decide that the Centennial Crow is no place for their kind.
action: You ask the hologram about the hatch
response: The hologram says: "Anne Walken, we have a problem. The Centennial Crow cannot enter the wormhole owing to a solar flare in the neighborhood. You must therefore jump into the wormhole and deliver the PZ-12 to the individual known only under the code name of Hessian. You are running out of time. You have five minutes remaining. "
A computerized voice says from overhead "Five minutes before wormhole is in range. No smoking allowed."
action: Aft
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

You can see Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse here.

"Four minutes! Switch off all your mobile phones!"
action: Aft
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

Upon a round, metal table, trapped inside a glistening stasis field, is the reason behind this dangerous mission through space and time... a great, whopping big pizza!

"Three minutes!"
action: You get the pizza
response: Taken.

"Two minutes!"
action: You drink the alcohol
response: You drink it down in one gulp, feeling it burn the sides of your throat. After the smoke subsides, you begin to see the world differently.

"Sixty seconds!"
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

A computerized voice overhead says coldly: "The Centennial Crow is now within range. Open the hatch now."
action: You open hatch
response: The influence of the alcohol is such that the idea of jumping into a wormhole armed with only a pizza seems quite a fun thing to do. So you boldly leap into the unknown!

The rest is a blur, but after landing on Earth somewhat singed but none the worse for wear, you find your way to the house where Hessian is supposed to live.

You knock at the door, worn out by your interstellar antics, and to your astonishment Christopher Walken -- who was your great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great grandfather -- opens the door! "Hey, that pizza smells simply wonderful," he exclaims with a smile.