Gardening for Beginners
by Juhana Leinonen (2008)
Genres: Humor

When the snow melts it's time to make that garden of yours look better than ever.

action: %
response: In April, three months after you bought the house, the snow finally melts and for the first time you see how your new garden really looks like. It's not that bad, actually; you probably don't need to do much to make it look really nice. Armed with a to-do list and an upbeat attitude you go to work.

This game is free software. See LICENSE for details.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a to-do list, a gold fish in a plastic bag, and some tomato seeds.
action: You examine the list
response: It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
action: You look at the hydrant
response: It's basically a pipe with a valve on it. The mouth part has a connection where a hose can be attached.
action: About yourself
response: As good-looking as ever.
action: You look at the shed
response: It's a delightfully retro little garden shed.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

An orange garden hose is hanging from a holder in the wall.
action: You examine fish
response: The fish is quite large for a goldfish. The saleswoman at the pet store said it would do well in an outdoor pond. It's swimming around in its temporary plastic home.
action: You examine junk
response: The boxes are full of various junk, some related to gardening and some not. None of them are originally yours, the previous owner left them here for you to take care of.
action: You examine the newspapers
response: On closer inspection it's not newspaper after all but pages torn from books. From Jack Mills pocket books, to be precise.
action: You look at the hose
response: It's quite long and... orange.
action: You take the hose
response: Taken.
action: You read the pages
response: "The slammer was a depressing mixture of displeasing white and uncaring gray. I walked past the empty cells listening to the steady click-clack of my steps echoing from the walls. In the last cell I found Professor Humphrey..."

No wonder someone wanted to plaster it on the walls.
action: You examine the seeds
response: The tomato seeds are in a small bag. They are supposedly super easy - just throw them in the soil and let them grow.
action: You read the list
response: It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
action: Look around
response: It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
action: Exit
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
action: You examine the pond
response: The pond is small but very beautiful..
action: You examine the patch
response: The vegetable patch is just waiting for seeds.
action: You attach the hose to the hydrant
response: With some effort you screw the other end of the hose to the hydrant.
action: You examine the flowers
response: The flowers are petunias and poppies, you guess. At the moment there seem to be much more weeds than flowers in the flower bed.
action: You take the weeds
response: You get on your knees and pull each weed carefully out around the flowers. It takes a good thirty minutes, but the result looks really nice. Never mind the aching fingers.
action: You read the list
response: It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
action: Plant seeds
response: You throw the tomato seeds evenly on the vegetable patch and spread some soil over them. That was easy.
action: You put the fish in the the pond
response: The fish leaps from the plastic bag into the pond and starts to swim around in circles. In the spur of the moment you decide to name it "Wensleydale".
action: Water lawn
response: You carefully hose the entire lawn and turn the water off when you're done. In your eyes the grass is already looking much greener!

Well, that was the last chore and everything is now done! Looks like you are better at this than you even imagined!

No, wait, what's that mound right in the middle of the garden? Ugh, it's a molehill. Better hose the bugger out while you're at it before the entire garden gets full of those.
action: You examine the molehill
response: It's a small pile of dirt.
action: Inventory
response: You're carrying a to-do list.
action: You look at the list
response: It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn (done!)
action: Hose molehill
response: It wouldn't help just to wash the mound away. You need to flood the tunnels.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
action: You go outside
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant.
action: You put the hose in the molehill
response: You tuck the end of the hose inside the mole hill.
action: You turn on the water
response: (the yard hydrant)
You approach the hydrant and see a little cuddly bunny by the shed. "Oh, how delightful!" you exclaim. The bunny scurries away.

You turn the valve and a spray of water from the hose soaks you through. You cut the water quickly. The bunny must've had a taste of the hose.

Bother.
action: You look at the hose
response: It's quite long and... orange.
action: You turn on the water
response: (the yard hydrant)
Not before you've found a way to mend the hose!
action: You take the hose
response: It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Now let's see... There, right on top of a box, is a roll of silvery duct tape.
action: You examine the duct tape
response: It's silvery and it can repair anything.
action: You take the duct tape
response: Taken.
action: You leave
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

A lonely crow lands on the vegetable patch. It pecks around the soil for a bit, then two others arrive. They start digging and eating the tomato seeds.

"Hey! Get out of there, you little pests!" you scream but the birds ignore you.

Bother.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You're carrying a roll of duct tape and a to-do list.
action: Mend hose
response: You roll a few layers of tape arond the leaking spot. It looks like it could hold now.
action: You scare the crows
response: You approach the vegetable patch and the crows fly off. They return right after you've moved two paces away.
action: You turn on the hose
response: You turn the valve and water starts to flow underground. You decide to leave it on for a while, just to be sure.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Let's see... Yes, there should be something useful here for this situation.

You can see a coverall and a rake here.
action: You take the coverall
response: Taken.
action: You look at coverall
response: It's a smallish dark green coverall. It has seen a lot of use.
action: You examine the rake
response: It's a rusty rake that's missing few teeth.
action: You put the coverall on the rake
response: You put the rake inside the coverall to support it and you have yourself a makeshift scarecrow. Hopefully it works.
action: Leave
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.
action: You put the scarecrow in the garden
response: Which do you mean, the garden hose, or the lawn?
action: You put the scarecrow in the vegetable patch
response: You stick the scarecrow in the middle of the vegetable patch. The crows fly away and - they aren't returning! Hooray!
action: You examine the fish
response: Wensleydale makes cheerful little circles in its new home.
action: You examine the grass
response: The grass is looking good.
action: You look at the molehill
response: It's a small pile of dirt. The other end of the hose is tucked inside.
action: Wait
response: Time passes.
action: Look around
response: The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.
action: You look at the list
response: It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn (done!)
action: You turn on the hose
response: The water is already flowing.
action: You turn off the hose
response: It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
action: You examine the vegetable patch
response: The vegetable patch is hiding tomato seeds in its soil.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
action: Go outside
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.
action: Wait
response: Time passes.
action: You examine the pond
response: Wensleydale is swimming in little circles in the water..
action: Xyzzy
response: Maybe in some fantastic realm a garden would take care of itself with appropriately chosen magic words. Unfortunately this is not one of those realms.
action: You jump
response: You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.
action: Sing
response: Your singing is abominable.
action: Dance
response: You'd make a fool of yourself.
action: You turn off the water
response: (the yard hydrant)
It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
action: You read the pages
response: "The slammer was a depressing mixture of displeasing white and uncaring gray. I walked past the empty cells listening to the steady click-clack of my steps echoing from the walls. In the last cell I found Professor Humphrey..."

No wonder someone wanted to plaster it on the walls.
action: Yes
response: debugcheapnitfol quit with exit status: 0
action: %
response: In April, three months after you bought the house, the snow finally melts and for the first time you see how your new garden really looks like. It's not that bad, actually; you probably don't need to do much to make it look really nice. Armed with a to-do list and an upbeat attitude you go to work.

This game is free software. See LICENSE for details.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
action: You remove weeds
response: You get on your knees and pull each weed carefully out around the flowers. It takes a good thirty minutes, but the result looks really nice. Never mind the aching fingers.
action: You plant the tomatoes
response: You throw the tomato seeds evenly on the vegetable patch and spread some soil over them. That was easy.
action: You put the fish in the pond
response: The fish leaps from the plastic bag into the pond and starts to swim around in circles. In the spur of the moment you decide to name it "Wensleydale".
action: Leave
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond where Wensleydale is splashing around. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed - now without any weeds - and the tomatoes are growing in the vegetable patch. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
action: You attach the hose
response: What do you want to attach the garden hose to?
action: Mouth
response: With some effort you screw the other end of the hose to the hydrant.
action: Water lawn
response: You carefully hose the entire lawn and turn the water off when you're done. In your eyes the grass is already looking much greener!

Well, that was the last chore and everything is now done! Looks like you are better at this than you even imagined!

No, wait, what's that mound right in the middle of the garden? Ugh, it's a molehill. Better hose the bugger out while you're at it before the entire garden gets full of those.
action: You put the hose in the molehill
response: You tuck the end of the hose inside the mole hill.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Now let's see... There, right on top of a box, is a roll of silvery duct tape.
action: Mend hose
response: You roll a few layers of tape around the leaking spot. It looks like it could hold now.
action: You put the hose in the hill
response: It's already in there.
action: You turn on the water
response: (the yard hydrant)
You turn the valve and water starts to flow underground. You decide to leave it on for a while, just to be sure.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Let's see... Yes, there should be something useful here for this situation.

You can see a coverall and a rake here.
action: You take all
response: coverall: Taken.
rake: Taken.
action: Leave
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

What the... The weeds have resurrected themselves and fill the flower bed again!

Goddamnit.
action: You take the weeds
response: You pull one weed out and sigh. This is never going to work without heavier armament.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There in the corner is a bright red bottle of herbicide with a skull printed on it. Excellent.
action: You look at the herbicide
response: There's a picture of a skull on the side. That means it must be efficient.
action: Leave
response: You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

You hear Wensleydale splash about in the pond.
action: You pour herbicide on the weeds
response: You pop the cap from the weedkiller which greets you with a gust of poisonous fumes. "Ha! Ha! HA! HAHA! HA!" you scream as you pour the stuff on those demonic parasites. Let's see them come back to life now!

The weeds die spectacularly, whithering as soon as the herbicide hits them. War is not without casualities, as you soon find out - the flowers can't take the heat and they turn into shriveled mounds of organic mass.

You look at the flower bed and muse your Pyrrhic victory.
action: You examine fish
response: Hngaah! It's not Wensleydale that's splashing but the neighbour's cat who's trying to catch him! Shoo, cat, shoo!

F%#&!
action: You take the cat
response: "Here, pus pus pus..."

You approach the cat, trying to grab it to carry it away from the pond. She sees you approaching, hisses, and makes a daring leap towards you.

She lands straight on your face and takes hold with all four legs. The beast drives its claws in the neck and the back of your head. "Mmmph hmmh mph!" you swear.
action: You remove the cat
response: "Meow," the cat says as you struggle to get free.
action: You examine the cat
response: It's the neighbour's cat. You used to like it, before it started to prey on your fish.
action: You take the cat
response: Technically, you already have her.
action: You hit the cat
response: You wave your arms in the general direction of your face (where the cat is), but it just makes the furry assailant to grab a tighter hold.
action: You enter the shed
response: You stumble and nearly lose balance when the cat scratches you again.
action: You enter the shed
response: "Mhbh!" you exclaim when your attempts are buggered by the blinding grasp of the beast.
action: Inventory
response: "NO!" the cat yells and claws at your left ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
action: You throw the cat
response: How? The feline abdomination has blindfolded you with her own furry body.
action: You put the cat in the pond
response: You would, but mouse-breath is still facehugging you.
action: You go pond
response: "NO!" the cat yells and claws at your right ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
action: You pull the cat
response: You take a good grip of the little bastard and yank her out of your face. Her final loot is a bunch of hair and a good amount of freshly scraped skin. The cat jumps on the ground and runs off.

You glance at the vegetable patch where the crows are back, with a couple of friends of theirs. It looks as if some of them are actually laughing at the scarecrow. Laughing. At the scarecrow. Laughing.

You don't say anything. Your left eye twitches.
action: You examine the fish
response: Wensleydale makes cheerful little circles in its new home.
action: You examine the flowers
response: The flowers were petunias and poppies, you guess.
action: You enter the shed
response: You go inside the garden shed again.

The dark and rotting shed is just about as awful as you can imagine. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There has to be something here yet that will save the day! Has to be something!
action: You search the junk
response: You rummage through the boxes, trying to find some magic tool that will make all go better. There is nothing there.
action: You examine the newspapers
response: On closer inspection it's not newspaper after all but pages torn from books. From Jack Mills pocket books, to be precise.
action: Exit
response: You sigh and return to the garden.

It's the garden of pain. The fish is hopefully still alive, the flowers most certainly are not. It's doubtful if there are any seeds left in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and it runs inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

The ground erupts into four or five geysirs, spraying water from the underground mole tunnels.

The bunny returns and chews on the remaining flora.

The cat is back prowling about for Wensleydale by the pond.

***

You close your eyes.
action: You close the eyes
response: They are already closed.
action: You open eyes
response: You open your eyes and behold! A paradise unfolds in front of your eyes! The flowers are blooming, the grass is a gleaming green carpet where butterflies chase each other and stop only to rest in sparkling waters of a beautiful yard pond. It is the perfect embodiment of a spring garden.

"You have a very beautiful garden, Mrs. Salines," you tell your next door neighbour who is watering her petunias on the other side of the fence. "WHY DOES MINE LOOK LIKE THE AFTERMATH OF A CARPET BOMBING?" You can feel your blood pressure throbbing a vein in your forehead.

Mrs. Salines laughs jovially. "My dear, you just need a bit of patience! You can't expect perfect results right away," she tells you. "Come, I'll make us some tea and then we'll go have a look at your garden."

You feel a bit better.
action: %
response: Type ABOUT for more information, FORUM for r.g.i.f. comments on the game, and MEAN to turn off unwinnable protection.

Weazle, the evil wizard has destroyed all that Conan loved. Now,
after years of searching, Conan has finally found him.
Conan is ready for revenge - he will KILL EVERYTHING!

Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed.

Weazle, the evil wizard spins around as Conan enters the room.

"Ha!", he cries, "here comes stupid Conan whose parents I killed, whose sister I sold to the orks and whose dumbbells I stole! You want revenge! But you will perish!"

He taps his pointed hat, and a growling wildcat appears out of thin air!
action: You kill the wildcat
response: Alertly, Conan draws his sword and, with one quick blow, strikes the wildcat dead. It vanishes in a puff of brown smoke.

"Oh", snickers the wizard, "it seems that you have grown stronger since I burnt your home village! Well, try this!"

He taps his pointed hat again, and a mighty golem made of wood appears out of thin air!
action: You kill the golem
response: Conan raises his sword again and fells the golem with a single blow. It shatters into a million leaves that dissolve in a puff of green smoke. A red apple falls to the floor.

The wizard is impressed.
"You are good!", he cries, "Better than when I bewitched your hairdo! But my best creation is yet to come! A giant tarantula!"

He taps his hat again, and out of thin air, a little spider appears! The wizard looks a bit puzzled.
action: You look at the spider
response: It is a little spider with a furry body.

The little spider moves around hesitantly!

Weazle takes off his hat and examines it, muttering about something like 'energy plane dysfunction'.
action: You kill the wizard
response: Finally Conan can attack Weazle. With a mighty blow he slices the wizard in half. He vanishes in a puff of golden, glittering smoke. Only his pointed hat falls to the floor.

Suddenly the little spider freezes in its movements, as if concentrating.
action: You take the hat
response: Taken.

With a mighty leap, the spider lands on Conan's back. Quickly it bites into his neck, injecting its venom. Conan falls to the floor.

"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, let's do another one!"
action: You kill the spider
response: Conan chops at the spider, but it evades, quickly climbs up the wall and hides in a crack.
action: You examine the crack
response: A spider is hiding in the crack.
action: Inventory
response: Conan is carrying:
a loincloth (being worn)
a very large sword
action: You kill the crack
response: This seems futile even to Conan.
action: You remove the loincloth
response: Conan removes the loincloth, held together with a bone pin. Not much is revealed. Cursed steroids.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: Conan is carrying:
a bone pin
a loincloth
a very large sword
action: You examine pin
response: It is a pin, made of a dead chicken's bone (Conan killed it himself).
action: Look around
response: Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed. The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.

Conan can also see a pointed hat and a red apple here.
action: Examine fly
response: The fly is somewhere around, but hard to see in the flickering light.
action: You look in it
response: Inside the hat Conan can see some dials and blinking lights.
action: You look at the dials
response: The dials are marked with lettering in a strange writing (but Conan cannot read at all, anyway). They can obviously be turned.
action: You eat the apple
response: (first taking the red apple)
Conan eats the apple. His gastric juices quickly kill it. Conan emanates a burp of red smoke.
action: You examine table
response: It is a sturdy table that has seen many feasts and fights. There is a small hole on the side.
action: You examine the hole
response: There is a tiny woodworm in the hole.
action: You examine the worm
response: The woodworm is tiny in the hole. Conan can barely see it.
action: You put the pin in hole
response: Conan takes the pin and cruelly stabs the worm. Its body goes limp, dead.
action: You give the worm to the spider
response: Conan can only do that to something animate.
action: You stand on the table
response: Conan gets onto the oaken table.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: Conan is carrying:
a pointed hat
a bone pin
a loincloth
a very large sword

The fly lands.
action: Down
response: Conan will have to get off the oaken table first.

The fly takes off again.
action: You get off the table
response: It is a pin, made of a dead chicken's bone (Conan killed it himself).

Conan gets off the oaken table.

The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.
action: You turn the dial
response: Conan fiddles with the dials.
action: You continue
response: Conan returns the dials to their original settings.
action: You examine the hat
response: A large, pointed hat with a moon and stars decoration that used to be popular among wizards about 250 years ago. Conan notices an especially large saturn symbol. Inside the hat Conan can see some dials and blinking lights.
action: You look at the saturn
response: The saturn symbol has a slight smudge. It seems to serve as a kind of button.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed. The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.

The fly lands.
action: You take the torch
response: The torch is out of Conan's reach.

The fly takes off again.
action: You take the torch
response: The torch is out of Conan's reach.
action: You jump
response: Conan jumps.
action: You stand
response: Conan gets off the oaken table.

The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.
action: Examine fly
response: The fly is somewhere around, but hard to see in the flickering light.
action: You kill the fly
response: Conan tries to hit the fly, but even he is too clumsy to hit it in midair.
action: You look at loincloth
response: It is made of bear skin (Conan killed the bear himself).
action: You kill the loincloth
response: Conan shreds the loincloth to pieces with his sword. It is dead now.

The fly lands.
action: You kill the fly
response: Conan aims and squashes the fly with his sword. Entrails splatter. The fly is dead.

The little spider crawls out of the crack in the ceiling!
action: You kill spider
response: As Conan advances, the spider hastily climbs back into the crack.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

The little spider comes crawling down the wall!
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.

The little spider is crawling over the floor!
action: Wait
response: Time passes.

The little spider is eating the fly.
action: You kill spider
response: With a devastating blow, Conan kills the spider. It vanishes in a puff of black smoke.
action: Inventory
response: Conan is carrying:
a bone pin
a shredded loincloth
a very large sword
action: You examine the loincloth
response: It is dead. Conan has killed it.
action: You kill the pin
response: Between his fingers, Conan snaps the pin into two pieces. It is dead.
action: You kill loincloth
response: Conan already killed the shredded loincloth.
action: You look around
response: Dungeon (on the oaken table)
Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed.
Conan can see a squashed fly here.
action: You kill the wall
response: The clay walls are already dead. Conan suspects that he killed them in an earlier episode.
action: You look at the door
response: A heavy wooden door with metal hinges and a large metal lock.
action: You kill the door
response: Conan wildly attacks the door with his sword. After several blows, it suddenly drops forward and slams flat on the floor - dead. Behind it is only bare wall.
action: You take the door
response: It is too heavy even for Conan to lift.
action: You look at door
response: It is dead. Conan has killed it.
action: Blow torch
response: (first taking the torch)
The torch is out of Conan's reach.
action: You throw the sword at the torch
response: A well-aimed throw dislodges the torch which falls to the floor. It dies!

It is now pitch dark in here!
action: You take the sword
response: Conan fumbles in the dark. Ouch! He steps on the hot torch!

"
He stares at you hypnotically.
"This is a crucial phase before the final denouement! I want solemnity. I want grace. You can do better than that!"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, another one!"
action: Down
response: Conan will have to get off the oaken table first.
action: You stand
response: Conan gets off the oaken table.

Conan is in darkness.
action: Break table
response: Splinters fly as Conan slices the tabletop from its legs. It falls down flat, dead.
action: You take the sword
response: Conan fumbles in the dark. Ouch! He steps on the hot torch!

"
He stares at you hypnotically.
"This is a crucial phase before the final denouement! I want solemnity. I want grace. You can do better than that!"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, another one!"
action: You kill the sword
response: Conan grabs his sword by handle and tip and, with all his might, breaks it over his knee. Ouch! But two fragments remain in his hands, dead.
action: You kill Conan
response: Conan takes the broken blade and holds it before him with both hands. Then he takes it and with a sudden thrust buries it deep in his muscular stomach.

Blood flows, as Conan turns and twists the blade in the wound until he sinks to the floor, dead.
action: Forum
response: Voices from the forum (rec.games.int.fiction.):

"...an apotheosis of the traditional, Zork-led approach to IF..."

"...deconstruction of the room paradigm..."

"Conan is the barbarian, the Significant Other against which civilisation defines itself."

"To say that 'Conan Kill Everything' relies on symbolic vocabulary is to understate the issue. Its symbols are isolated and recognisable, and stand out from the landscape in their symbolic significance like a naked guy on steroids in a Victorian painting. 'Note this!' they say. And they are organised with a tidy symmetry, perfect and mathematical, so that the meaning of anything unexplained may be worked out by its relations to other symbols and the oppositions between them. The sword, the table, the worm, the penis; every object denotes a single concept in its purity."