Mango
by Aaron Reed (2010)
Genres: Humor

You are stuck inside a creepy hotel room in Boston and need to escape. How can losing precious brain parts learning learning occult magicks, former president Millard Fillmore, and time traveling to the Irish Potato Famine help you get outta there? Find out in this IF written as part of the Original PAX Speed-IF.

action: %
response: What a long and difficult journey it was! But at least you've found your way to this hotel. Even though the cab driver seemed mysteriously ignorant of its existence.

The peeling wallpaper and cracking plaster inspires a distinct lack of confidence. The room is both dank and dim, and the furniture inside the room seems crammed into a space too small to contain it. Wan, watery light filters in, scattered by the skeletal fingers of a dead tree right outside the room. The door out of your room is to the west; south is a tiny kitchenette and north is the bathroom.

An old-fashioned writing desk with a drawer in the corner is reasonably creepy.

You can also see a pink sink, a hatch, an invisible mirror, a creepy bed, a chair, a large portrait of Millard Fillmore, a historic lamp and a large wooden door here.
action: You examine the mirror
response: It's a frame for a mirror, but the mirror itself isn't actually there. Weird. And kind of cheap.
action: You examine the portrait
response: An unfinished portrait of third president Millard Fillmore hangs from the wall. His torso and nose appear to be mostly missing. The dead president's eyes seem to be watching you. Creepy.
action: You examine the lamp
response: It looks historic. A nearby plaque affixed to the wall reads "This lamp was donated by the Sisters of Infinite Benevolence to light the way through the Irish Potato Famine of 1843."

The historic lamp is currently switched off.
action: You look at the portrait
response: An unfinished portrait of seventeenth president Millard Fillmore hangs from the wall. His torso and nose appear to be mostly missing. The dead president's eyes seem to be watching you. Creepy.
action: You look at the portrait
response: An unfinished portrait of thirteenth president Millard Fillmore hangs from the wall. His torso and nose appear to be mostly missing. The dead president's eyes seem to be watching you. Creepy.
action: You examine the chair
response: This unattractive chair is neither cheap enough to be easily broken, nor well-made enough to be comfortable to sit in. The chair is light enough to be moved, but is equally unpleasant no matter where in the small room you move it.
action: You sit in chair
response: After a second of sitting in the chair, your lower back protests.
action: You move chair
response: You push the chair over beneath the hatchway.
action: You examine the hatch
response: A mysterious hatchway which looks very much like something you would like to open and then enter.
action: You open hatch
response: The hatch is bolted on.
action: Unlock hatch
response: What do you want to unlock the hatch with?
action: About yourself
response: As good-looking as ever.
action: You look around
response: Room 13 (on the chair)
The peeling wallpaper and cracking plaster inspires a distinct lack of confidence. The room is both dank and dim, and the furniture inside the room seems crammed into a space too small to contain it. Wan, watery light filters in, scattered by the skeletal fingers of a dead tree right outside the room. The door out of your room is to the west; south is a tiny kitchenette and north is the bathroom.

An old-fashioned writing desk with a drawer in the corner is reasonably creepy.

You can also see a pink sink, a hatch, an invisible mirror, a creepy bed, a large portrait of Millard Fillmore, a historic lamp and a large wooden door here.
action: You get the lamp
response: It's bolted to the floor.
action: You open the drawer
response: It seems to be stuck shut. This really isn't a very good hotel.
action: You turn on the lamp
response: That's funny, it doesn't seem to switch on... without magic.
action: Spells
response: You have learned the spells: .
action: You pull the drawer
response: Nothing obvious happens.
action: You ask Fillmore about the hotel
response: You can only do that to something animate.
action: You move fillmore
response: It is fixed in place.
action: You take the portrait
response: That's fixed in place.
action: You open the door
response: Strangely, the lock seems to have jammed in place. As much as you jiggle the handle, you can't seem to get it unlocked.

Oh dear. The doorknob has come off in your hand, leaving only an unpainted wooden circle behind. Well, you put it into your pocket; it's bound to come in useful later.
action: You look at the knob
response: Goodness me, this suggests all sorts of possibilities.
action: You go north
response: The sink is so large it is actually physically impossible to enter the bathroom. Shoddy.

The sink is so large it is actually physically impossible to enter the bathroom. Shoddy.
action: You enter the sink
response: The sink is so large it is actually physically impossible to enter the bathroom. Shoddy.
action: Unlock hatch
response: (with the doorknob)
That doesn't seem to be something you can unlock.
action: You pull it
response: You are carrying:
a doorknob

Nothing obvious happens.
action: You unlock door
response: Goodness me, this suggests all sorts of possibilities.

(with the doorknob)
That doesn't seem to fit the lock.
action: You open hatch
response: I only understood you as far as wanting to look.

The hatch is bolted on.
action: You put the knob on Fillmore
response: You can't see any such thing.

Putting things on the large portrait of Millard Fillmore would achieve nothing.
action: You look around
response: Room 13 (on the chair)
The peeling wallpaper and cracking plaster inspires a distinct lack of confidence. The room is both dank and dim, and the furniture inside the room seems crammed into a space too small to contain it. Wan, watery light filters in, scattered by the skeletal fingers of a dead tree right outside the room. The door out of your room is to the west; south is a tiny kitchenette and north is the bathroom.

An old-fashioned writing desk with a drawer in the corner is reasonably creepy.

You can also see a pink sink, a hatch, an invisible mirror, a creepy bed, a large portrait of Millard Fillmore, a historic lamp and a large wooden door here.
action: Go south
response: Kitchenette (But Mostly Still In Hotel Room)
You can see a fridge (closed) here.
action: You open the fridge
response: You open the fridge, revealing a plate of lobster fettuccine.
action: You get the plate
response: Taken.
action: You look
response: Kitchenette (But Mostly Still In Hotel Room)
You can see a fridge (empty) here.
action: You examine the plate
response: Wafts of delicious lobster-scented steam are coming off the piping hot fettuccine. Apparently the fridge is broken.
action: You eat lobster
response: Mmm, delicious.

As you scrape the last of the delicious lobster sauce from the plate, you see that a word has been scratched into the porcelain: CHAMP.
Your brain is wreathed in eldritch fire! The letters of the spell burn themselves into your pituitary, which you probably needed for other things. Oh well!

You can now type SPELLS to see what spells you have learned.
action: Spells
response: You have learned the spells: champ .
action: Champ yourself
response: You do a dozen push-ups. Getting stronger! Every day!
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying:
an empty plate
a doorknob
action: Champ plate
response: You'd just break it with your magically freakish muscles.
action: You go north
response: The peeling wallpaper and cracking plaster inspires a distinct lack of confidence. The room is both dank and dim, and the furniture inside the room seems crammed into a space too small to contain it. Wan, watery light filters in, scattered by the skeletal fingers of a dead tree right outside the room. The door out of your room is to the west; south is a tiny kitchenette and north is the bathroom.

An old-fashioned writing desk with a drawer in the corner is reasonably creepy.

You can also see a pink sink, a hatch, an invisible mirror, a creepy bed, a chair, a large portrait of Millard Fillmore, a historic lamp and a large wooden door here.

The sink is so large it is actually physically impossible to enter the bathroom. Shoddy.
action: Champ sink
response: You'd just rip the sink out of the wall! Which would be kind of awesome, but you'd lose your deposit.
action: Champ drawer
response: With mighty strength, you pull open the desk drawer!

You open the drawer, revealing a word carved into the wood.
action: You look at the word
response: It seems to say STAMP.

Your brain is wreathed in eldritch fire! The letters of the spell burn themselves into your amygdala, which you probably needed for other things. Oh well!
action: Stamp sink
response: A giant magical stamp appears, attempts to stamp the champed pink sink, then disappears in a huff of disappointment.
action: Spells
response: You have learned the spells: champ stamp.
action: Stamp hatch
response: A giant magical stamp appears, attempts to stamp the hatch, then disappears in a huff of disappointment.
action: Stamp fillmore
response: Strangely enough, you can't bring yourself to mar such a large and delightful portrait of thirteenth president Millard Fillmore. Maybe if it wasn't taking up so much of your field of vision.
action: You stamp yourself
response: A tattoo of a green dragon suddenly (and painlessly) appears on your torso.
action: Stamp door
response: A giant magical stamp appears, attempts to stamp the large wooden door, then disappears in a huff of disappointment.
action: You look at doorknob
response: Goodness me, this suggests all sorts of possibilities.

It seems to be dented.
action: Stamp hatch
response: A giant magical stamp appears, attempts to stamp the stamped hatch, then disappears in a huff of disappointment.
action: Stamp bed
response: The plain white sheets suddenly blossom into a complicated plaid and paisley pattern. This does not make the bed more inviting.
action: Stamp mirror
response: A magical stamp appears and the blank mirror appears within the frame!
action: You examine the mirror
response: It's now a fairly ordinary mirror with an elaborately ornate frame. Curiously, you notice that it reflects a strange word written on the ceiling.
action: You look at the word
response: (the strange word)
The word, which you can only see reflected in the mirror (creepy!) is CRAMP.

Your brain is wreathed in eldritch fire! The letters of the spell burn themselves into your corpus callosum, which you probably needed for other things. Oh well!
action: Cramp doorknob
response: The doorknob crumples in on itself. It's now a little smaller, and might fit a slightly smaller, more mysterious door.
action: Cramp sink
response: The champed stamped pink sink shrinks in a blink.
action: You move chair
response: You push the chair over beneath the hatchway.
action: You go to the north
response: You can see a cramped champed stamped pink sink and a toilet (on which is a book called What Have You Done For Me Philately?) here.
action: You take the book
response: You pick up the book and flip through it as you conduct your business. It looks like there's an article you could perhaps READ.

Taken.
action: You read the book
response: You look up the Millard Fillmore stamp and discover that, due to a mix-up, several million were printed without the former president's nose. Because of this embarrassing faux-pas, the stamp is thus worth so little that being within a hundred yards of it actually reduces your credit score by a full ten points.

HOWEVER, one rare proof stamp exists which contains the president's nose, and it highly prized by philatelists everywhere.
action: Stamp book
response: That might make it illegibile.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You can see a cramped champed stamped pink sink and a toilet here.
action: Champ toilet
action: You go to the south
response: The peeling wallpaper and cracking plaster inspires a distinct lack of confidence. The room is both dank and dim, and the furniture inside the room seems crammed into a space too small to contain it. Wan, watery light filters in, scattered by the skeletal fingers of a dead tree right outside the room. The door out of your room is to the west; south is a tiny kitchenette and north is the bathroom.

An old-fashioned writing desk with a drawer in the corner is reasonably creepy.

You can also see a cramped champed stamped pink sink, a stamped hatch, a strange word, a mirror, a stamped creepy bed, a chair, a large portrait of Millard Fillmore, a historic lamp and a stamped large wooden door here.
action: Stamp portrait
response: Strangely enough, you can't bring yourself to mar such a large and delightful portrait of twenty-second president Millard Fillmore. Maybe if it wasn't taking up so much of your field of vision.
action: Cramp portrait
response: The portrait shrinks down-- at first you think it has vanished, but then you realize it has turned into a tiny square portrait about the size of stamp.

On the wall behind the portrait is a mysterious word.
action: Mysterious
response: The word is RAMP.

Your brain is wreathed in eldritch fire! The letters of the spell burn themselves into your pons medulla, which you probably needed for other things. Oh well!
action: Stamp portrait
response: A magical stamp appears and stamps the stamp. As it dissolves, you see that the image of seventeenth president Millard Fillmore now has a nose.
action: Cramp lamp
response: The lamp shudders slightly, but utterly fails to reduce in size.
action: You ramp yourself
response: You lifts a foot or so off the floor.
action: Ramp chair
response: The chair lifts a foot or so off the floor.
action: You stand on chair
response: A waft of pot smoke floats out of the hatch, but otherwise nothing happens.

You stand on the chair, and get much closer to the hatchway.
action: Ramp lamp
response: The lamp utterly fails to rise into the air, and seems to resent your interference.
action: Cramp hatch
response: The stamped hatch gets a little bit smaller.
action: Lamp lamp
response: You have to get something before you can lamp it.
action: Champ hatch
response: You rip the hatch open with your super strength!
action: You look at the hatch
response: A mysterious hatchway which looks very much like something you would like to open and then enter.

It seems to be dented.
action: You go upward
response: The tunnel is too small for you to enter with your freakishly enlarged muscles.
action: You cramp yourself
response: You shrink down to a smaller but still agreeable size.
action: Go upwards
response: With a mighty heave, you pull yourself upwards and into the tunnel.

You can see a cramped champed stamped hatch and the time machine here.
action: You examine the time machine
response: You know it's a time machine because of the engraving on it that reads "Time Machine." There is a large red button marked "Future."

The time machine is currently switched off.
action: You turn on the time machine
response: In a flash of actinic light, you zap your way into...

You are standing near a desk. Stretching off to the south into a nearly infinite grey distance is an twisty line of little time-travelers, all alike.

Sitting behind the desk is a gentleman whose name tag identifies him as "Phillippe Lampe."
action: You ask Lampe about yourself
response: Just say TALK PERSON. No TO. We didn't have time to get to the TO.
action: You talk lampe
response: "Back of the line," says Lampe, pointing south. When you look confused, he says "All time travellers who ever pushed the button throughout history ended up here, in The Future. We don't have room for you all, so we're sending you back to evenly distributed points of history. We're giving the best times out first, so better get a spot in line fast."
action: You get Lampe
response: "Get your hands off me!" Lampe says. "I'm fixed in place!"
action: Look around
response: You are standing near a desk. Stretching off to the south into a nearly infinite grey distance is an twisty line of little time-travelers, all alike.

Sitting behind the desk is a gentleman whose name tag identifies him as "Phillippe Lampe."
action: You go south
response: You are in a time-traveling twist of little liners, all alike.

Bored queuers wait listlessly.
action: You wait
response: Time passes.
action: Cramp queuers
response: The queuers gets a little bit smaller.
action: Champ queuers
response: With great strength, you heft the cramped champed queuers above your head.
action: You go to the north
response: You are in a little line of twisty time-travelers, all alike.

Bored queuers wait listlessly.
action: Go north
response: You are in a line of twisty little time-travelers, all alike.

Bored queuers wait listlessly.
action: Ramp queuers
response: The cramped champed queuers lifts a foot or so off the floor.

You overhear one of the queuers asking another "So what are your favorite spells?"

"Well, I'm partial to DAMP," she responds. "And also VAMP, CLAMP, and CAMP. TAMP is useful when gardening, I find."

"Indeed," says the first. "And also LIMP."

"No, I hate limp," she says. "I use GRAMP instead."

Your brain explodes in a fiery paroxysm of magic. Too much strain on the ol" medula oblangata, apparently. You pass out.

When you wake up, it seems as if you are at the end of the line, and only a few of your SPELLS have stuck around.

The line stretches off into infinity to the north.

A large sign reading "Line" is nearby, pointing off into the misty distance.
action: Spells
response: You have learned the spells: stampgramp.
action: Look around
response: The line stretches off into infinity to the north.

A large sign reading "Line" is nearby, pointing off into the misty distance.
action: Gramp sign
response: You see nothing special about the large sign.

The large sign withers and seems suddenly much older.
action: You gramp yourself
response: cramped ramped You withers and seems suddenly much older.
action: Stamp sign
response: A magical stamp appears and adds the words "Front Of" to the start of the sign.

After a few moments, Phillippe Lampe appears and sets up his desk. He looks up at you and says "Next?"
action: You talk to Lampe
response: Just say TALK PERSON. We really didn't have time to implement TO.
action: You talk lampe
response: "I'm only one day away from retirement," Phillippe Lampe says. "Once I'm retired I can spend all my days searching for that elusive antique Millard Fillmore stamp I've always lusted after."
action: Stamp lampe
response: Phillippe Lampe withers and seems suddenly much older.

A giant magical stamp appears, attempts to stamp gramped Phillippe Lampe, then disappears in a huff of disappointment.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
a tiny portrait of thirteenth president Millard Fillmore
a stamped book called What Have You Done For Me Philately?
a champed stamped empty plate
a cramped champed stamped doorknob
action: You check your inventory
response: You are carrying:
a tiny portrait of seventeenth president Millard Fillmore
a stamped book called What Have You Done For Me Philately?
a champed stamped empty plate
a cramped champed stamped doorknob
action: Gramp portrait
response: The tiny portrait ages and yellows until it looks very old indeed.
action: Stamp portrait
response: A magical stamp appears and stamps the stamp. As it dissolves, you see that the image of twenty-second president Millard Fillmore now has a nose.
action: You give the portrait to Lampe
response: Lampe's eyes widen in delight. "It's the rare stamp feature third president Millard Fillmore!" he exclaims. "This is just what I've always wanted!" In a flash of joy, he quickly presses a button to send you back in time, destintation unknown, in an actinicer flash....

In the Midst of the Irish Potato Famine, 1843
A hotel that looks as if it might one day be creepy is being built in the midst of the blight.

You can also see a wizard, a field of blighted potatoes, a brand new lamp and an inattentive nun here.
action: You talk to the wizard
response: Just say TALK PERSON. We really didn't have time to implement TO.
action: You talk nun
response: Actually, you usually find conversation to be overrated.
action: You talk potatoes
response: You can only do that to something animate.
action: You eat the potatoes
response: (first taking the field of blighted potatoes)
That's fixed in place.
action: You take all
response: wizard: I don't suppose the wizard would care for that.
field of blighted potatoes: That's fixed in place.
under construction hotel: That's fixed in place.
brand new lamp: Taken. (Nice!)
inattentive nun: I don't suppose the inattentive nun would care for that.
action: You talk wizard
response: The wizard speaks, in an Irish brogue, "Time travelers from the future! Just as I predicted!" He grips you by the collar and shouts "It is vitally important that I teach copious amounts of magic spells so you can save the past!"

Your brain shuts down in abject terror. The wizards softens, and says "Alright, alright, just one spell then. LAMP. It will light the way.
action: You examine wizard
response: Use it wisely, my son."

The wizard casts DAMP and disappears in a puff of moist air.

You can't see any such thing (probably because you misspelled it).
action: Lamp
response: What do you want to lamp?
action: You lamp yourself
response: You have to get something before you can lamp it.
action: Lamp lamp
response: You lamp the lamp. The lamp lights up, and in the actinicest flash of all, you magically rematerialize in your hotel room.

The door swings open. You resolve to find a less creepy hotel.