Dirk
by Andrew Schultz (2015)

A retelling of a favorite game from a textual perspective.

action: %
response: Well, Dirk, you got your chance. The "progressive" institute for adventurers emphasized more than just the physical angle that came naturally to you. It emphasized mental stuff--like sines and cosines over just being able to jump a real long way. But what really hurt was how the other adventurers told you you were nice and all but would never amount to much. That you could never do anything for The Social Good. That confused you. Being mean wasn't good, so how could they be chosen for doing bigger good things?
But man, they made fun of you for everything, even the stuff you knew: like knowing your left from your right. "Everyone knows that! When'll that be helpful?"

They all got their various quests. Some got cushy teaching jobs. Some became sub-toadies for demigods. But you--you, well, there was word of Princess Daphne, held by the dragon Singe.
Your classmates jibed she was as un-smart as you. They even said the quest was beneath them, too silly if you looked at it right. Little more than a multiple choice test. Of course they could beat Singe the dragon, but it'd be a loss if anything in Singe's castle was unfair. You had to be street-smart. Dragons were like that. Plus there was no proof such a quest would advance society.
When you asked a retired adventurer, he mentioned it might be a bit trickier than the four-answer multiple choice tests that plagued you. There might be FIVE choices! "But Dirk, I believe in you. Some of those questions may be loaded. You have the reflexes, the timing."

"But if the questions are loaded, doesn't that mean they're extra hard?"

"Just use your common sense, Dirk, and don't overthink everything. Those eggheads, they'll consider how things that help 'em are physically impossible, and at least they'll feel smart when they die. They'd rather spend hours studying what they calculate is inside the castle than rely on their reflexes. That won't happen with you. Um, I mean, there--you'll keep focused on what's important. Like, you're good at being distracted by stuff that flashes. That'll help."

Wow! Nobody ever put it that way before!
You hear the sounds of two coins falling. You blink, and you're outside an eerie castle.

You walk across the moat's drawbridge, which collapses. Hanging on to the remainder, you hack at some weird purple tentacles that come up from the moat, lift yourself up, and then you rush past a gate before it slams down, then a door before it shuts.

Great. Hack at enemies, enter gates and doors before they shut. How hard can it be?

There're three ropes here swinging back and forth to the left. There's a ledge beyond them. The one you're on is currently retracting.
action: You jump to the rope
response: You can process complex sentences much better than your mean classmates gave you credit for, Dirk. But worrying about nice long beautiful three-word sentences right now may be the difference between life and death.

Commands: U/L/D/R to move Dirk, S for sword/attack, or Z to wait, which is usually a bad idea. H gives a command list, and an empty command refreshes your current situation.
action: You look around
response: You grab onto a rope. The timing's easy enough. Another swings back from the left.
action: You look around
response: You grab the next rope, not thinking about it. The eggheads up on adventure theory might think a second too long and reach at the wrong time, but you don't. Another swings back from the left.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You grab the next rope yet again, not even worrying if you might mess this up. Oh, hey! There's a ledge to the left! You reach out your hand reflexively.
action: You look around
response: You jump off the rope and onto the ledge and through the door.

Oh, look! A horse with a gem on top! You forget your mission, distracted by something shiny. When you climb on, the horse takes off. Your horse swerves right, almost smack into a fireplace.
action: Look around
response: You avoid the fire to the right so well that you're now careening towards a fire on the left. Hooray, variety.
action: Go upwards
response: You and your horse crash into the fire to the right. HOT HOT HOT!

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You walk obliviously to the edge of a narrow cliff and are suprised when it collapses ten feet from the edge. You fall into a purple river, and even more surprisingly, right into a barrel swept along by a current of purple water. Before you can properly appreciate the luck involved, you float past a sign saying YE BOULDERS and suddenly see there's a small flashing cave to the left--better go there, or you'll hit that rock wall ahead. Or to the sides.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: You navigate to the left, remembering you row your oar on the right. Now there's a passage right in the next cavern! It flashes, which might kill you, but crashing into a wall certainly will.
action: R.
response: You navigate to the right, remembering you row your oar on the left. If there's a trick special case, you're in trouble, but the passage left in the next cavern doesn't look like one!
action: You look around
response: You navigate to the left. Now there's a passage right in the next cavern!
action: R.
response: You navigate to the right. As the water changes from purple to orange, you float along, past a sign saying YE RAPIDS, where you see a passage to the right and up It's dang near a road, a lighter orange than the rest of the river!
action: R.
response: Now that stripe is left and up.
action: Look around
response: Now that stripe is right and up.
action: R.
response: Now it's left and up.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Just as you worry the next part of the rapids will be a stripe leading into a cavern wall, the water changes to green as -- ding ding -- you are by YE WHIRLPOOLS. There's one to the left.
action: R.
response: Whirlpool to the right.
action: You look around
response: You paddle towards the whirlpool, then away. That's a trick those eggheads in adventuring class would never try! You forget why it works, but doing not thinking matters now. Whirlpool to the left.
action: R.
response: Again with the contrary paddling. Whirlpool to the right.
action: Look around
response: One more reverse-paddle, for Roman Hruska. The water picks up speed. You're thrown into the air. But there's a chain there, up and to the right. It flashes and dings.
action: Go upwards
response: The chain flashed and dinged for you, but it wasn't able to snag you as you fell back into the water. Too bad, Dirk.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You jump through a doorway to a glowing wooden circle suspended in midair. It flashes and starts falling. You scream, but at least you keep your eyes open to see the ledge to the left!
action: Look around
response: Not too bad a jump. Half the ledge collapses, but amazingly, your half remains perfectly horizontal. You run away from it to a door, anyway.

A very long rainbow/ROY G BIV colored U lies below. Very large pool balls roll back and forth with perfect conservation of energy, so you can't wait forever them to die out. Oh, and a huge black bowling ball just upwards means you REALLY can't wait. First up is a red ball. Oh man! This place is all topsy turvy, and you even have to wait just right to pass the red ball below.
action: You wait
response: Ugh! Long non-fourth-wall four-letter commands make Dirk's head hurt. Well, there are some meta-commands. But here are the main short ones.

U/L/D/R to move Dirk, S for sword/attack, or Z to wait, which is usually a bad idea. H gives a command list, and an empty command refreshes your current situation.
action: You wait for a while
response: You're a man of action, Dirk! Well, except if nasty math story problems are involved.
action: Go upwards
response: You get smooshed by the black ball. Or the red. Being smooshed, you don't care about the details. Up being down and down being up in this room didn't help, either.

You bounce back up, filled with rage! You cross your arms and glare at someone--anyone--who is responsible for your failure. As if you couldn't make the right move unless someone above said so! You have some interesting ideas, Dirk. But you never got to share them
in adventuring school, where you felt DOING meant more than WRITING.

Sadly, just as your glare gets cooking, your flesh itself melts away, and your bones crumble to the floor, more musical than you ever got in art class.
[NOTE: okay, I think you've paid your dues. The command LI gives
you an infinite-lives cheat if you just want to play through again. Also, DIRCHEAT tells you which way you should've gone.]
action: Li
response: You have a vision of two kids in a castle with weird lights and noises. They tie a coin around a string and sticking them into some sort of booth and giggling. Man! You always wanted to learn to yo-yo. You're gonna do that once you crack this castle. (You now have infinite lives.)
action: Go upwards
response: You jump through the wall and land awkwardly but safely.

There's a potion ahead of you with a big DRINK ME sign and a door to the right. What to do?
action: R.
response: You walk out the door to the right and it shuts behind you, just as a beam comes zapping by.

Just another hallway going forward. Exits are up ahead to the side, but...first, those bouncing skeleton heads that popped out. They're too many, and too low, to fight.
action: Go south
response: The skull heads somehow manage to pull you down. You swing your sword, but it can't reach that close and low at the same time.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You jump through a doorway to a glowing wooden circle suspended in midair. It flashes and starts falling. You scream, but at least you keep your eyes open to see the ledge to the left!
action: You look at your surroundings
response: Not too bad a jump. Half the ledge collapses, but amazingly, your half remains perfectly horizontal. You run away from it to a door, anyway.

There's a cage all around you to the left and right. Electricity flows from down. A door snaps open and closed, upward.
action: Go upwards
response: Well, that wasn't too bad. You jump closer to the door.
action: You go upward
response: You time the door perfectly! You jump just after it shuts. There's a narrow bridge across, with a huge flume of lava to the left. It sprays every few seconds.
action: Go upward
response: Perhaps you felt guilty of your impeccable timing. Or perhaps you just have a fear of crumbly bridges. Or you wonder how the bridge survived the first flume. Whichever, it does not matter now where you are.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You're on a narrow walkway. Two spinning boulders on sticks, in a circle, periodically block your passage up. There's no way down.
action: Go upwards
response: You ignore computing the relevant angular velocities, instead concentrating: I don't want the left boulder to hit me, or the right. You don't stop fearing both til they both pass at once. Your mad sprint succeeds!

A ghostly apparition--well, it's more a sheet than anything--opens its folds and draws a glowing weapon. You hear thorns spring up behind you and to the sides.
action: You go to the south
response: Shtwack! You've beaten lots scarier ghosts than that in practice. But thorns spring up to each side. You don't have time to think why the ghost was guarding that wall up ahead, either.
action: Go up
response: You fail to move back away from the thorns.
safe moves are/were down.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

Against your better judgement, you open a bulging door with a big WHOOSHING behind you. Fortunately, you don't have time to think of what anachronisms are swirling around, or you'd already be killed! As it is, you're distracted by a diamond or something in a window to a bottomless pit to the left. You think there may've been a door to the right, but you're not sure.
action: R.
response: Well, that jewel is certainly shiny, but that flashing door to the right gave off even more light! You tumble through it. And none too soon.

Well, this isn't too bad, for starters. One tentacle comes down, just daring you to slice it.
action: Go south
response: A tentacle that bright green is hard to miss. So is that weapon rack flashing on the wall up a ways.
action: Go upwards
response: You jump ahead just in time to escape some tentacles, and to see another squeezing down from above. Oh! Hey! There's that door out of here flashing to the right!
action: R.
response: The door shuts. Thank goodness the stairs behind you are flashing now!
action: B.
response: You hear a humming buzz. (To show commands, type H.)
action: Go down
response: As you go right and climb the stairs, tentacles swarm down from there. Looks like you better retreat. Hey! That bench flashing to the left!
action: Go upwards
response: One of your fellow adventurers would've stopped you to force you to calculate the possibility something like this would happen Or he would've stopped to calculate, himself. He would be dead. You are not. Onward!

Aaaaaa! There's a pit ahead of you, down! There's a wall to your left, but in a fit of lost ego (or clarity?) you imagine it's to the right, for people who matter.
action: R.
response: You fall down the shaft. Really, that was sort of unfair, how quick it happened, but what did you expect, from an evil intelligent dragon? safe moves are/were left.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You notice your sword on your left, and the ground on every other side also seems to be crumbling.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: That's natural. Run where the landslide ain't. What's not natural are the spikes coming out from the wall that blocked you to the left.
action: R.
response: The spikes that impale you leave you unconscious before impact with the ground below. Yay?
safe moves are/were up.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You're dive-bombed by bats. Not enough to flee, but you should ward them off. Maybe by then enough walkways will vanish,
action: Describe the surroundings
response: Oop! Some stairs are out ahead. The ones just beyond flash, not like you could go back in this narrow passage. You could just make it if you jump.
action: Go upwards
response: Oh, hey, how's this for variety? A giant bat that can't fly stumbles out of a doorway and raises his wings. You can't exactly go back.
action: Go upward
response: You'll never know what a hug from Princess Daphne feels like. Probably better than from the Bat King, you guess.
safe moves are/were sword.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

Zzzaap! A magnetic throne siphons your scabbard away from you. To make matters worse, the circular room you're in? The rug starts rolling up. There's a lot of volts on that shiny floor to the left and behind, and now, up ahead.
action: R.
response: The circular rug continues to roll you up from the left. More of the circle is closing.
action: R.
response: The circle's almost closed. The throne is to the right.
action: R.
response: The throne spins you around as your scabbard snaps back in place. An electric charge comes along the wire. Yes! A door to the right!
action: R.
response: You stumble out before the electricity gets to you.

Plummeting Disc, Extra Stops
You jump through a door onto a disc suspended in midair. Congratulations, Dirk! Your weight broke the balance of magic that kept it there! It begins falling. But it's kind of fun, and your screams echo really neato, so you watch three ledges to the right go by, then three to the left. The ground below is coming up close, though! Only three more ledges to the right.
action: R.
response: There're actually three jumps, here. You decide to be all fancy and go for the lowest floor, like you get style points for it or something.

There're three ropes here swinging back and forth to the left. There's a ledge beyond them. The one you're on is currently retracting.
action: You look around
response: You grab onto a rope. The timing's easy enough. Another swings back from the left.
action: You look around
response: You grab the next rope, not thinking about it. The eggheads up on adventure theory might think a second too long and reach at the wrong time, but you don't. Another swings back from the left.
action: R.
response: You avoid the fire to the left. Now there's fire on the right. And a pillar up ahead!
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You avoid the pillar and the fire. Now there's fire on the left with a pillar ahead.
action: R.
response: You avoid the fire to the left. Now there's a wall ahead and to the left.
action: R.
response: You avoid the wall! There's another wall ahead and to the left, and no time to think about the lack of variety.
action: R.
response: Your horse crashes into the ground. You brush yourself off, kicking open a door hard enough that it slams shut to deflect a random bolt of lightning. Take that, deportment classes you hated!

You walk obliviously to the edge of a narrow cliff and are suprised when it collapses ten feet from the edge. You fall into a purple river, and even more surprisingly, right into a barrel swept along by a current of purple water. Before you can properly appreciate the luck involved, you float past a sign saying YE BOULDERS and suddenly see there's a small flashing cave to the left--better go there, or you'll hit that rock wall ahead. Or to the sides.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: You navigate to the left, remembering you row your oar on the right. Now there's a passage right in the next cavern! It flashes, which might kill you, but crashing into a wall certainly will.
action: R.
response: You navigate to the right, remembering you row your oar on the left. If there's a trick special case, you're in trouble, but the passage left in the next cavern doesn't look like one!
action: R.
response: Got it! Your momentum swings you over to a ledge, where not one but two gates close behind you as you make it to the next area.

You jump through a doorway to a glowing wooden circle suspended in midair. It flashes and starts falling. You scream, but at least you keep your eyes open to see the ledge to the right!

This room looks vaguely familiar. You grab reflexively for your sword, but it's on the other side as last time. Hmm.
action: R.
response: Not too bad a jump. Half the ledge collapses, but amazingly, your half remains perfectly horizontal. You run away from it to a door, anyway.

As you observe the thorns to the right, a streak of lightning flashes and sticks your sword in its sheath! Then a knight charges you from above!
action: You look around
response: You execute a nice somersault to the left. At least you didn't have to roll backwards! You never quite got the hang of that. The knight comes thundering back on his horse. You got turned around, so the thorns are on your right, now.
action: You look around
response: You got a weak grade in gymnastics, but you've got the practical part down. Another roll to the left, and you escape the knight again. Oh, look. There's a hole to the right! No thorns!
action: R.
response: You dive for the hole and make it as the sword lashes against you.

Oh no! A magnetic pot of gold schlurps your sword from your scabbard, ten feet away. Then it jangles off. Then there's a weird grunt from the right as a giant lizard in purple robes raises a golden scepter.
action: You go south
response: KONK! You pass out with a goofy smile on your face. That's...something. The lizard king drags you away.
safe moves are/were left up.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You stick your sword in a magic fire, and immediately another glowing sword whistles and comes swooping down at you! Didn't you learn anything last time, Dirk? Oh, yeah, there's also fire on a couple sides of you.
action: Go up
response: The magic sword descends on you. At least you weren't beaten by someone weaker than you.
safe moves are/were sword.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

A snake pops down from the ceiling and hisses at you!
action: You go downwards
response: Bummer, Dirk! Slashing up enemies mindlessly is your specialty, and now wasn't the time to mix it up.
safe moves are/were sword.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

Oh no! A bolt strikes from the ceiling and sets fire to everywhere except your right.
action: R.
response: More lightning strikes from the ceiling! It surrounds you on all sides except to the left. Well, you could probably get away with going up, too.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: The lightning fire continues to burn to the right and above.
action: You look around
response: Another ray blasts the door ahead, making it impossible to go forward! There's also the matter of the right and back walls being on fire, too. But the fire to the left died. Too bad an overturned bench is blocking a possible crawlspace to the left. You'd think it'd have burned up.

It looks too sturdy--and close to the wall--to hack up, and if it's glued there, you're in trouble. If not, hmm...
action: You go south
response: Ouch, Dirk! You had one way to go, but it didn't work out.
safe moves are/were left.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You notice your sword on your right, and the ground on every other side also seems to be crumbling.
action: R.
response: That's natural. Run where the landslide ain't. What's not natural are the spikes coming out from the wall that blocked you to the right.
action: Describe the surroundings
response: The spikes that impale you leave you unconscious before impact with the ground below. Yay?
safe moves are/were up.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

A huge electric knight appears up ahead! He's way too far to attack. For now. You reflexively feel your sword on the right and notice the electric tiles glowing: up, down and right.
action: Look around
response: Ooh! Look! The knight mashes his sword, and now there's an opening to the right.
action: Go upwards
response: Boy. You sure are lucky there's a way out, even though the pulses are coming faster, The right is not glowing.
action: R.
response: The pulses come faster! Faster! Just like Reefer Madness. Wait, that doesn't exist yet. But a little space to the left does.
action: You look around
response: You'd think the knight would try and push you down, leaving a space open. But it's kind of smart he's not letting you go up. He's just making you jump back and forth. There's an opening to the right.
action: R.
response: You jump forth and back. The knight doesn't see it, but you're cheating up with each movement, even as you jump faster. One more. The right is blocked.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: Okay, he's out of charges. And boy is it convenient you're right by him! And that he's winding up for his sword-blow like a baseball batter!
action: You go south
response: Well, that's as close to a talking villain as you can get, since nobody's done any talking, yet. There's a gap to jump over ahead, but that's nothing compared to the board.

You're in a big mud land. What could live here? Mud monsters, that's what. They squelch toward you slowly and surround you. They don't seem to expect any resistance.
action: Go south
response: The mud monsters back up a bit, allowing passage ahead. You can't see them, but you hear their blurp bloop blurp behind and may even do so in the next room.
action: You go upward
response: Oo! A green geyser to jump over! It just finished firing! And it flashed, too! Double bonus!
action: Go upwards
response: You see a sneaky passage between two geysers ahead.
action: R.
response: Oh, hey, there's a path ahead to the next geyser!
action: Go upwards
response: The green geyser just ahead fires. The passage is kind of narrow, so you can't really walk around it.
action: You wait for a while
response: You're a man of action, Dirk! Well, except if nasty math story problems are involved.
action: Go upward
response: Wow! A wide red pool of mud, and you on a plank being followed by mud men. Thank goodness it's up high, so you can jump a bit farther.
action: Go upwards
response: And one more green geyser ahead!
action: Go up
response: You hear a squilching sound behind--like when you cut previous enemies open with a sword. But the mud monsters don't die--they appear in small geysers to the side. You forget how not-fair this is when you see the exit across one final green river! If you were more of a naturalist, you might be disappointed you didn't get to jump a red geyser, too, but really, it's time to move on. It was...straightforward.
action: Go up
response: You jump across the green river without and flume to blast you. Solid ground! A nice wide exit! That was both straightforward and exhausting. You needed all your adventurer training to get through, for sure.

Plummeting Disc, Extra Stops
You jump once again through a door onto a disc suspended in midair. Congratulations, Dirk! Your weight broke the balance of magic that kept it there! It begins falling. But it's kind of fun, and your screams echo really neato, so you watch three ledges to the left go by, then three to the right. The ground below is coming up close, though! Only three more ledges to the left.
action: You wait
response: Ugh! Long non-fourth-wall four-letter commands make Dirk's head hurt. Well, there are some meta-commands. But here are the main short ones.

U/L/D/R to move Dirk, S for sword/attack, or Z to wait, which is usually a bad idea. H gives a command list, and an empty command refreshes your current situation.
action: Go downwards
response: You miss the jump, even though you've prepped for this before. As you tumble, you wonder what your peers would think.
safe moves are/were left.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

There're three ropes here swinging back and forth to the right. There's a ledge beyond them. The one you're on is currently retracting.
action: R.
response: You grab onto a rope. The timing's easy enough. Another swings back from the right.
action: R.
response: You grab the next rope, not thinking about it. The eggheads up on adventure theory might think a second too long and reach at the wrong time, but you don't. Another swings back from the right.
action: R.
response: You grab the next rope yet again, not even worrying if you might mess this up. Oh, hey! There's a ledge to the right! You reach out your hand reflexively.
action: R.
response: You jump off the rope and onto the ledge and through the door.

Oh, look! Another horse with a gem on top! You forget your mission, distracted by something shiny. Maybe this time... When you climb on, the horse takes off. Your horse swerves left, almost smack into a fireplace.
action: R.
response: You avoid the fire to the left so well that you're now careening towards a fire on the right. Hooray, variety.
action: Look around
response: You avoid the fire to the right. Now there's fire on the left. And a pillar up ahead!
action: R.
response: You avoid the pillar and the fire. Now there's fire on the right with a pillar ahead.
action: Look around
response: You avoid the fire to the right. Now there's a wall ahead and to the right.
action: Look around
response: lives]

You avoid the wall! There's another wall ahead and to the right, and no time to think about the lack of variety.
action: You describe your surroundings
response: lives]

Your horse crashes into the ground. You brush yourself off, kicking open a door hard enough that it slams shut to deflect a random bolt of lightning. Take that, deportment classes you hated!

Just another hallway going forward. Exits are up ahead to the side, but...first, those bouncing skeleton heads that popped out. They're too many, and too low, to fight.
action: You go upward
response: lives]

Oh no! A big skeletal hand appears from a doorway to the left!
action: R.
response: lives]

There's no running. The hand grabs you.
safe moves are/were sword.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

You hear a rumbling above. The ground up and to the left begins falling into a void.
action: R.
response: lives]

You stumble out of the way of the rubble. For now. A door to the right flashes.
action: R.
response: lives]

You exit through the flashing door just as a bunch of rocks tumble down where you were.

A very long rainbow/ROY G BIV colored U lies below. Very large pool balls roll back and forth with perfect conservation of energy, so you can't wait forever them to die out. Oh, and a huge black bowling ball just upwards means you REALLY can't wait. First up is a red ball. Oh man! This place is all topsy turvy, and you even have to wait just right to pass the red ball below.
action: Go downwards
response: lives]

What luck! The red ball rolls by, and as you sneak through, it rolls back to be crushed by the black ball. Just in case you needed proof the black ball was destructive and not just scary.

Now there's an orange ball down below.
action: Go downwards
response: lives]

Now it's the orange ball's turn to crash into the black ball after missing you. You remember learning to cross a street watching for chariots, and how your parents told you it was no joke. They were right! Oh, look, a yellow ball down below.
action: Go downwards
response: lives]

The yellow ball is not too yellow to crash into the black ball after missing you. Beyond it is a green ball.
action: Go downward
response: lives]

The color variety is nice, especially because you forgot Roy G Biv, and it keeps you alert. If you had time to think, you'd be rather glad you weren't going to get killed by a dingy grey ball or a horrid pastel one. Since there's only a purple ball left below.
action: Go down
response: lives]

The color variety is nice, especially because you forgot Roy G Biv, and it keeps you alert. If you had time to think, you'd be rather glad you weren't going to get killed by a dingy grey ball or a horrid pastel one. Since there's only a purple ball left below. Well, it could be indigo or violet. You went to adventuring school, not art school.
action: You go downward
response: lives]

You feel a brief disorientation. There's a small gap up ahead, instead of a final indigo or violet ball, which is nice. And it's also up ahead, not down below, which just makes more sense. Man! It'd be embarrassing to miss this jump ahead, even with nobody watching.
action: Go upward
response: lives]

You jump over the small gap and have a leisurely jog to the next room.

You're on a narrow walkway. Two spinning boulders on sticks, in a circle, periodically block your passage up. There's no way down.
action: Go upward
response: lives]

You ignore computing the relevant angular velocities, instead concentrating: I don't want the left boulder to hit me, or the right. You don't stop fearing both til they both pass at once. Your mad sprint succeeds!

A ghostly apparition--well, it's more a sheet than anything--opens its folds and draws a glowing weapon. You hear thorns spring up behind you and to the sides.
action: You go to the south
response: lives]

Shtwack! You've beaten lots scarier ghosts than that in practice. But thorns spring up to each side. You don't have time to think why the ghost was guarding that wall up ahead, either.
action: Go downward
response: lives]

You escape the thorns! But now, since backward is forwards and forwards is backwards, (or they are what they were) the exit is up ahead!
action: Go upwards
response: lives]

You made it, Dirk, and the exit didn't even have to flash at you! Way to go!

You stick your sword in a magic fire, and immediately another glowing sword whistles and comes swooping down at you! Oh, yeah, there's also fire on a couple sides of you.
action: Go south
response: lives]

Well, the sword being perpendicular to your sword, that gave a greater range--ah, heck, you just swung and it clanged. Ooh! Here comes a mace!
action: You go to the south
response: lives]

The mace isn't appreciably different. Well, it's appreciably not different to deflect. But now a glowing anvil up ahead rises and swerves at you. There's fire to your left.
action: R.
response: lives]

Wow! You duck, but now a spear rises from a weapons rack and spins at you. Time it wrong, and you won't smack it just SO.
action: Go south
response: lives]

Again, you hit the spear JUST perpendicular, and the angular momentum--nah, you just didn't want it to point straight at you. You treat your sword to a bit of magic fire, and a statue wakes up and growls, raising its axe.
action: You go south
response: lives]

BZZZZZ! Your sword and the axe clash, and your sword wins. The statue returns to its frozen state.

Goop bubbles from a cauldron and dries behind you and to each side. You suspect there'll be monsters to hack at soon, but not just yet. Process of elimination, Dirk, process of elimination.
action: Go upward
response: lives]

You escape the first wave of goop only to look into a beaker--and out pops a goop monster! Good thing you grabbed it with your off-hand, Dirk.
action: Go south
response: lives]

Splat! Most of the goop behind you disappears as you hack the monster.
action: Go upwards
response: lives]

You just walked right into the goop, there. Dirk. You don't even have time for childhood memories when that was fun.
safe moves are/were down.

You're just skin and bones now, Dirk. Mini-skeletons swirl about you as you peer around. You're in a void...and then... POP! Back to adventuring!

A tiny purple pig with a dagger comes bouncing impossibly out from the left! It's either very confident, or very backed up by friends who'll totally bumrush you if you're passive.
action: Go south
response: lives]

You've learned by now that slashing at the first enemy is always a good start. Well, you sort of knew it already. But at least you didn't forget. Several weird piggies come bouncing from the left, now! But not as fast as if you hadn't taken care of business.
action: R.
response: lives]

You head right. Maybe they'll tire out. Being that heavy while bouncing, well...whew. And those stairs just up ahead--they won't just be tiring for you.
action: You go up
response: lives]

The goons behind you hyperventilate a bit. They're far enough behind, you think you can deal with their bigger cousin that just popped out at the top. And you do, without thinking. You're at the top of the spiral staircase. You should probably hit that door to the left before anything pops up from it.
action: You look around
response: lives]

Good thinking, Dirk. Survive and advance. For whatever reason, the piggies don't follow you through the door. Maybe bouncing up and down that stairway was too exhausting.

Another scene, another narrow walkway forward.
action: Go upward
response: lives]

The walkway behind crumbles. But there's still more to go. Good thing this isn't a maze--that'd get confusing.