The Invisible Argonaut
by Jacqueline A. Lott (2003)
Genres: Joke
Mythological


action: %
response: Ah! The life of an Argonaut!

Adventure on the high seas! The quest for the Golden Fleece!

Of course, you get queasy just visiting the baths, and you really don't think you and the boys have a shot in Hades of ever laying eyes on that Fleece, but it was either this or stay home and continue to herd sheep, so you signed up.

Once you got over the initial sea sickness, it wasn't all that bad. Your first stop, at Lemnos, lasted a year, and there were some major smoochies during that tenure. You were just beginning to think you'd made the right choice when the boss went and uprooted everybody for the next port.

The boss, Jason... enh. He's a good enough guy. He means well and all, and it's not exactly like he *chose* to come on this stupid quest any more than you did, but after having some of your buddies slaughtered in the night on the island of the Mount of Bears and Hercules losing his little lover boy at Mysia, you're beginning to have second thoughts.

Then came this latest port: the land of the Bebrycians. The ruler here, King Amycus, seems to think he's the Heavyweight Champion of Mt. Olympus or something. He won't let any of you leave the island before you have a little boxing match with him. You were really thinking that your buddy Polydeuces the Argonaut would take him on, but Polydeuces had some business off in the bushes and the King just wouldn't wait... the next thing you knew, a couple of pretty little ladies were strapping ox-hide boxing gloves on your hands and you were in the ring with Mohammed Aliamycus.

You never thought you'd say this, but you're starting to miss those sheep.



(Who can't believe she's claiming authorship)

Part of SpeedIF: ASCII and the ARGONAUTS

It's really lovely here on the beach, what with the waves and the sand and all the lovely ladies in the crowd this afternoon and -

!%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%!
!%%%% HOLY HERA %%%%!
!%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%!

You're knocked nearly senseless, spinning for a moment before landing face-first in the sand. Fortunately, you brush yourself off and turn to face your attacker before he sits on you.

The king raises his gloves in the air and squints his eyes at you.
I beg your pardon?
action: About yourself
response: My, what a nice loincloth you're wearing... but those legs are a ghastly white. Maybe if you got off the boat more. Well, you can tan later. Right now there's a very anxious, very large man wearing ox-hide boxing gloves here, and he has his eye on you.
action: You examine man
response: The king may not be quite as tall as you are, but he more than makes up for that in strength. He has muscles in places you didn't even realize you *could* have muscles, which is really all you can focus on at this moment.

The king throws a couple of fake jabs, but the very sight of his flexing muscles nearly makes you faint.
action: Punch king
response: Before you can even get in a punch, you're on your knees from the king's latest blow. "Zippin' Zeus," you mumble as you try to get back up to fight.
action: You examine ladies
response: You'd best just focus on the fight for now... maybe later you can site see.
action: Punch
response: (King Amycus)
"Oh Sweet Zeus!" you cry. "It's Kraken the sea monster!" you scream, pointing off the beach. The king, never one to expect something low like this, turns to see what you're pointing at. Quick on your toes, you use the moment to jump on the king from behind.

You're able to stay on his back for a fraction of a second before he (not so) playfully flings your body into the dirt.
action: Xyzzy
response: You stand defiantly, look the king straight in the eye and say, "XYZZY!"

There is a brief pause. Then he punches you in the stomach.
action: Punch king
response: You try to concentrate - really you do - but the sight of a lovely lady off in the crowd distracts you. "Venerable Venus!" you say beneath your breath, and start to wander out of the ring toward her. In surprise, she rushes forward and pushes you back into the ring. "Fight for me!" you hear her cry, just as you take another hit to the right side.
action: You go to the north
response: If you leave, Jason and the team will at best abandon you, and at worst kill you for being such a pathetic coward. If you stay, you'll probably get knocked clear out of your loincloth. Either way, the options aren't good, but since this is ancient Greece and there's probably somebody writing this down, you should stay and try to do your best for history.

The king takes another punch, just for good measure. "Crazy Crommyon Sow!" you cry. Alas, you are unable to dodge the blow, and it hits home, right between your eyes. Alarmingly, your vision tunnels - real, honest-to-goodness tunnel vision - and all you can see is the king. He leans forward, takes in a deep breath, and blows a light puff of air in your direction.

You feel yourself falling, hurtling toward the beach with alarming speed, and yet time starts to draw itself out. Fractions of a second seem to take minutes. You reflect for a moment on what your life has become. "Invisible Argonaut? Why would they call me an Invisible Argonaut?" you think to yourself... and then you realize. You're not making it into the history books. You are a wimp. You signed up to be an Argonaut for the adventure and the women and the glory. Well, at least - for a time - you had two out of three.