The Wizard Sniffer
by Buster Hudson (2017)
Genres: Fantasy

You were recently acquired by the brave Ser Leonhart and his squire to sniff out the evil shapeshifting wizard. Unfortunately, you are not a wizard sniffer (if such a thing even exists). As far as you can tell, you are an ordinary pig. A comedy of errors experienced through a parser with a limited verb set. Also, puzzles.

action: %
response: Ser Leonhart, the bravest knight in all the land, points his sword at the fortress before him. Lightning strikes in the distance, illuminating the battlements below impatient clouds. A light rain begins to fall.

"Behold, the Impenetrable Keep," he says. "At long last, I shall slay the evil shapeshifting wizard, rescue the princess and return peace to our fair kingdom."

The young Squire Tuck clambers up the last stretch of steep mountain path. "Golly... milord," he says, struggling to catch his breath. "Must we go in there?"

The knight's hair ripples in a swift breeze. "Fear not, my apprehensive accomplice. While no evil can withstand the heavy fist of justice, you must remember our secret weapon—the wizard sniffer
shall
sniff out the villain for us!"

He prods you forward with the side of his boot, and you let out a disgruntled oink. To think you had successfully escaped this
place the night before last, only to be brought back again.

Well, it could be worse. You could be bacon.

You stand before the raised drawbridge of an evil fortress. A murky, foul-smelling moat reflects not even a little bit of light. A rubbish bin festers beneath a cloud of flies.

"My feet are ever so angry," says Tuck, "and terrible things have found their way between my toes. Might we rest here before walking further, milord?" His master nods in approval, and the squire sits on the ground and takes off his shoes.

"One does not simply walk into the Impenetrable Keep," says Ser Leonhart. "First, I must devise a way across this moat." He rubs his chin.
action: About yourself
response: While your current owners know you as a wizard sniffer, you are, as far as you can tell, an ordinary pig (which you do not recommend being if it can be avoided).

Keep—a
remarkable feat involving magick, mayhem and a fair bit of puzzle solving. Your luck, however, would not last. As you dragged your weary body down the mountain and into the nearest town, you were spotted and subsequently claimed by a wandering capitalist.

The capitalist, later happening upon the dim-witted knight and his squire at a roadside tavern, separated them from their large sack of gold by claiming you had the ability to sniff out evil wizards. As it turns out, this is not something you can actually do. Nevertheless, you feel it to be in your best interest to play the part as best you can.

For now.
action: You examine bin
response: It appears to be awaiting collection.
action: You examine the riddles
response: Some puzzles are old, others are broken, and they are all terribly cliché.
action: Smell puzzles
response: You sniff the puzzles. Ser Leonhart searches them for signs of the evil wizard, but finds none.
action: You examine the moat
response: One might assume the waters are only black in colour, but the stench that rises from their depths hints at something much fouler.
action: You sniff the moat
response: The moat is exceptionally putrid, so you pretend to sniff it.

"The evil wizard is hiding in the moat!" shouts Ser Leonhart, drawing his sword. And with a mighty leap, he disappears into the foetid waters, only to emerge a minute or so later.

Tuck helps him onto land. He tries not to breathe through his nose. "What happened, milord?"

"He got away," says the knight, wringing the black water out of his golden tresses. "We shall let him savour his victory, for now."
action: You look at the drawbridge
response: The raised drawbridge is held up by sturdy ropes. One such rope extends across the moat.
action: You look at the rope
response: It connects the drawbridge to a lever on your side of the moat.
action: You examine the lever
response: It stands beside a sign.
action: You look at the sign
response: It reads: PULL TO LOWER BRIDGE.
action: Sniff lever
response: You sniff the lever.

"Aha!" cries Ser Leonhart, pushing you aside and pointing his sword at the thing. "Did you think your disguise would fool us, evil wizard? For the good of the kingdom, I shall cut you down!" With one graceful sweep of his blade, he removes the lever from where it stood. It clatters noisily to the ground, then lies still.

"The deed is done," says Ser Leonhart, sheathing his sword. "The kingdom is safe once more. Let us remember all who have sacrificed themselves for this victory." He bows his head in silence.

Tuck picks up the lever and inspects it thoroughly. "Milord, forgive me for not remembering the sacrifices, but, would not a dead evil wizard mayhap look like a dead evil wizard?"

Ser Leonhart seizes the lever and narrows his eyes at it. "Aye, my attentive attendant. It seems we have been deceived by an ordinary wooden stick. The evil wizard is craftier than I expected. We must remain vigilant if we hope to defeat him." He hands the lever back to Tuck, who swings it enthusiastically like a sword before it slips through his fingers and disappears into the moat with a
plunk.
action: You sniff the moat
response: You pretend to sniff it.

"He's returned to the moat!" shouts Ser Leonhart as he leaps into the foetid waters once more, only to emerge with naught more than a frown.
action: You sniff the rope
response: You sniff the rope.

"For justice!" cries Ser Leonhart, and with one great stroke of his gleaming sword, he severs the rope in two. Down comes the drawbridge, making as much noise as possible (as falling drawbridges tend to do). When the dust clears, the duo discovers the way into the keep has opened to the north.

"A brilliant success, milord!" cheers Tuck.

Ser Leonhart poses like a titan holding up the sky. His hair dances in another breeze. "Not even the Impenetrable Keep can stop the heavy fist of justice. All you need is confidence, my timid tenderfoot, and you can accomplish that which your heart most desires."

"I shall keep working on my confidence, milord," says Tuck, holding his hair up for the wind to take.
action: Go north
response: As you scurry across the drawbridge, the rain grows heavier.

"He has the wizard's scent," says Ser Leonhart, pulling Tuck to his feet. "Let us make haste!"

And so, the brave knight and his squire follow you into the now-penetrable Impenetrable Keep. Passing beneath the outer walls, you come upon the lower bailey, a muddy yard lying at the foot of the inner keep. A dogtower rises from the centre of the bailey to the north. You can also go northeast or northwest, to the respective east and west ends of the bailey.
action: You examine the tower
response: The stone dogtower stands in the centre of the bailey.
action: You examine the yard
response: This is the southern end of the bailey. You can go north, northeast, northwest or south across the drawbridge. Tuck and Ser Leonhart wait nearby.
action: You go to the north
response: You lead the knight and his squire to a doghouse shaped like a miniature tower. Hence, a dogtower. During your last escape, the dogtower housed an overly playful pomeranian. You have no desire to repeat the encounter.

Attached to the dogtower is a long, thick chain. At first, you wonder why such a small dog would need such a thick chain, until you realise the chain is not wrapped around the neck of a pomeranian. The chain is wrapped around the neck of a sleeping dragon.

"Is-is that a... is-is that a..." asks Tuck, the rest of his question lodged in his throat.

Ser Leonhart covers the young squire's mouth. "Aye, my quivering companion," he whispers, "we have stumbled upon the fiercest creature of them all. Let us keep quiet, lest we learn whether it has a taste for human flesh."
action: You look at the dragon
response: When it comes to dragons, the stories say not even the sharpest steel can pierce their armoured scales. Even though this dragon is sleeping, you are relieved to see the chain about its neck. Barely visible beneath one of its claws is a ball.
action: You examine the ball
response: One of those playthings for peasant children or dogs. It's not very large and can be held easily in one hand. Or a pig's mouth, given you are in possession of one.
action: You examine Tuck
response: The ever-faithful Squire Tuck might be taking his first brave steps into manhood, but he most closely resembles an underfed parrot. To his credit he is not necessarily an unsightly one. His slender frame may not help him accomplish any grand feats, but one could argue his mettle more than makes up for it.
action: You sniff Tuck
response: You sniff the young squire.

Ser Leonhart casts Tuck a suspicious glare and draws his sword. "So, evil wizard, you think you could kidnap my squire and take his place? For justice, I will strike you down!"

Tuck throws his arms in the air and tumbles backwards. "Wait, milord! It's me, your faithful servant!"

The knight halts his blade shy of justice. "Oh, it is you," he says. "That was nearly a misunderstanding." He returns his sword to his side.
action: You examine the chain
response: It's wrought of iron and as thick as Tuck is thin.
action: You look at the knight
response: Ser Leonhart is a knight, which is to say he is the quintessential man. If asked about his countenance, the good people of the kingdom would tell you the gods, in their quest for perfection, carved him out of the very lands he swore an oath to protect. They would say his eyes shimmer like the crystal blue sea beneath a radiant sun; his hair, amber and billowy, cascades from his noble brow like lush, wind-lashed fields of grain before the autumn harvest; his jaw is strong, defined and unyielding like the great walls that guard the borders against the demi-human hordes; and his massive suit of platemail leaves little doubt as to the robustness of the regions beneath.

Yet to you he is a rather average fellow, with ruddy skin, a mop of blond hair and a long nose. No matter how hard you try, you are unable to gaze upon him with such admiration, and you wonder if it ought to do with being an ordinary pig.

He carries with him a great sword and a shield emblazoned with the Leonhart family standard—a lion on checks of burgundy and gold.
Tucked
into his belt is a wrinkled flyer.
action: You look at flyer
response: The knight has gazed at the flyer with sufficient frequency for you to memorise both the crudely-drawn depiction of a princess and the text beneath. It read:

Citizens of our most great and virtuous kingdom,

On the twenty-third day of Maya, Her Royal Highness, Princess Joyanna Marianna Novellanna Montcabernet Savignon (Princess Joy), hath been kidnapped by the most evil of wizards, Queklain, who, in the form of a most fearsome dragon, hath taken her against her will to his Impenetrable Keep for the most nefarious of purposes. Henceforce and whatwith, whoever among the most noble of heroes, who possesseth the most courage and virtue, who rescueth her from the most terrible of fates, shall earneth the king's most bountiful blessing to requesteth her hand in marriage, and receiveth the most royal dowry of ten million doubloons.

Signeth,
His Most Royal Highness, King Aurelius Audacious Latinus Montcabernet Savignon XXVIII.

You soon discovered neither the knight nor his squire possess the ability to read. Ser Leonhart has, however, learned a mere two words in his travels—Princess Joy—which he recited over and over like a prayer from the Good Books. This would be accompanied by a wistful look at the sky, or perhaps a fist over his heart and a vow to the gods he will either finish his quest or die trying.
action: Sniff dragon
response: Ser Leonhart watches you at first, his noble features etched with worry as you sniff around the dragon's wicked claws. Then, comprehension arrives like the first rays of the morning sun. "Oh, what a fool I am!" he shouts. Tuck gasps and pulls his doublet up over his nose.

The knight strides gallantly forward, drawing his sword. "Were I an evil shapeshifting wizard, would I not take the form of a mighty dragon? You are clever, evil one, but you cannot outwit justice!" He stabs the dragon in the neck, but his blade bounces harmlessly aside.

The dragon stirs. With a yawn like a smoking chimney it rolls languidly upright and, spotting the knight, begins to bark excitedly. The ball escapes to the side.

Ser Leonhart is as still as a statue. "Listen carefully, Tuck," he whispers, "and make not the slightest movement. Dragons cannot see what does not move. In the meantime, I shall determine a plan of—"

The dragon leaps onto Ser Leonhart, pinning him to the ground and licking his face. The knight struggles to free himself. "Save yourself, Tuck!" he shouts. "Send word to the king I have been devoured by a dragon!" He prepares himself for digestion.
action: You take the ball
response: Taken.
action: Look around
response: You stand beside the dogtower in the centre of the bailey. Ser Leonhart is struggling to free himself from beneath the dragon. Tuck is more affected than usual.
action: You go to the west
response: Tuck follows you to the western end of the bailey. You can continue northeast towards the inner keep's entrance or southeast towards the drawbridge.

A red pail lies on its side.
action: You look at the pail
response: It's painted red. The words "IN CASE OF FIRE" are written across its side.
action: You drop the ball
response: Dropped.
action: Go northeast
response: Tuck follows you across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: You look at the doors
response: Massive and ominous, they stand guard over the inner keep to the north. Inset in the bottom of one of the doors is a doggy door.

To be more specific, someone cut a jagged shape in the bottom of the door, reached a point best described as "good enough" and nailed a scrap of leather over the hole to call it a day. But, for all intents and purposes, you may call it a doggy door, and simply moving in its direction will allow you to pass through it.
action: You go to the southeast
response: Tuck follows you to the eastern end of the bailey. You can continue west towards the dogtower or southwest towards the drawbridge.
action: You go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door into the foyer of the inner keep. Tales woven by the commonfolk have always described the wizard's keep as naught more than a drab and dreary labyrinth. Yet instead of rough stone floors and draughty corridors, the keep is brimming with warm rooms full of lavish furnishings, vibrant purple alpaca carpeting, traditional fleuret-patterned wallpaper in silver and gold and stepped cornices sculpted into dancing putti.

The foyer itself is grand indeed, stretching three storeys high and lit from a skylight at the very top. To the north is an outdoor courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. A circular staircase curves upwards around a clockwork lift, two options for reaching the balconies above.

You notice the decorations have yet to be removed. Great swathes of white fabric are draped from the balconies, and bouquets of baby's breath still run along the walls. A wooden crate sits unmoved in the centre of the room. A poster on an easel reads: "Welcome to the most assuredly legal wedding of Master Tristain Girard and Her Royal Highness, Joyanna Marianna Novellanna Montcabernet Savignon (Princess Joy). The ceremony will be held in the ballroom beyond the courtyard." Beneath the text, an arrow points to the north.
action: Examine poster
response: It reads: "Welcome to the most assuredly legal wedding of Master Tristain Girard and Her Royal Highness, Joyanna Marianna Novellanna Montcabernet Savignon (Princess Joy). The ceremony will be held in the ballroom beyond the courtyard." Beneath the text, an arrow points to the north.
action: You examine the lift
response: Upon the advent of the clockwork engine a few decades ago, clockwork gadgets became an instant trend. Only the rich could afford these mechanical marvels, and even fewer could afford something as grand as a lift.

This one is closed.
action: You look at the wallpaper
response: So lavish.
action: Go east
response: You head down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is a closed door.
action: You examine the door
response: A solid wooden door. The doors of the keep used to contain puzzles to solve in order to open them. It appears they have all been removed.
action: You examine portraits
response: The row of portraits features men and women radiating wealth and nobility. Each possesses the same upturned noses and downturned frowns. They scowl at you disdainfully from their perches with rich, violet eyes.

Beneath each portrait is a gold plate engraved with a single name. From left to right, they read: Adelstain, Morgaine, Rogaine, Gawain, Romaine, Elaine, Queklain. The end of the row, bearing the name Tristain, is an empty frame.
action: You look at Queklain
response: The evil wizard Queklain. From up close, he resembles little of a wizard, except for being a bit grumpy. His robes are fairly pedestrian compared to the rest, and the painting itself is inferior in quality, which might have given him something to be grumpy about.
action: You examine Elaine
response: Elaine forwent the family tradition of wearing finery to her sitting, instead choosing a simple workman's outfit and knotting her hair in a silk handkerchief. Her only piece of jewellery is a pendant in the shape of a jigsaw puzzle piece about her neck.
action: You examine Gawain
response: This was painted when an excess of beard-curls and ribbons was all the rage at court. Gawain was a victim of the times in the worst sort of way.
action: Go north
response: The cold rain greets you once more as you proceed to the outdoor courtyard, the way forward continuing beyond a colonnade to the north. High stone walls constrict the courtyard on all sides, but a collection of elegant rose bushes and the gentle murmuring of water from the central fountain soften the edges of the enclosed space. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.

A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour. She frowns as you waddle across the cobblestones.

"Oy, piggy! What sort of magicks saw piggy free from the sty? Tis Robbit's problem, Rhoda thinks. His Lordship must needs his keep protected from more heroes. Rhoda will burn them all crispy crispy, Rhoda will!" She proudly pats the armour before returning to the task at hand.
action: You examine Rhoda
response: The goblin engineer looks like goblins in any other line of work, except this one dons a pair of goggles. She stands nary four hands high, her skin only slightly green and her ears decidedly droopy. She attempted to tame her wild red hair in two buns on either side of her head, achieving little success.
action: You look at the suit
response: Security only nobility can afford. Even the Royal Palace only maintains a dozen of them. This one is a equipped with a flamethrower.
action: You look at the roses
response: The thorny branches bear red roses in full bloom.
action: You examine the fountain
response: The fountain is a large pool of water encased by stone. The statue in its centre depicts a cockatrice hen feeding her chicks in the manner of most birds, the act represented by the water pouring out of her mouth. At the hen's feet are the remains of a human, ravaged, with their ribs exposed through torn meat.

You think the artist may have been making a statement about the lengths one must go to provide for one's children. Or perhaps they simply enjoy monsters and gore.

Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: Go north
response: You pass beneath the colonnade into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding.

At one end stands the altar, framed by a wooden arbour painted white and entwined with roses from the garden. Standing below the arbour is a full-sized statue of Cupido, god of love, music, romance fiction and scented candles. A simple table is bare, but you know it was to hold a glass mug, from which the bride and groom both drink a bitter craft beer to symbolise the strength of their union in even the worst of times. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.

All together the wedding looks like it could have been quite lovely. Not that you would have enjoyed it, of course. Not at all.
action: You examine Cupido
response: According to myth, love is born between two souls when Cupido plays his guitar at them. The myth has since evolved into a tradition where men serenade women at their windows late at night in an attempt to woo them.

You take the opportunity to renew your commitment to atheism.
action: You look at the altar
response: A simple table is the focal point of the altar.
action: You look at the arbour
response: The red roses and green vinery contrast prettily with the white wood beneath.
action: You look at the chairs
response: The chairs are in various shapes and sizes to accommodate rear-ends of various shapes and sizes.
action: You look around
response: You are standing in a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
action: Go south
response: You head to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes. In the centre is a fountain, regurgitating water onto itself. The entrance to the foyer is to the south. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.

A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour.
action: Go downward
response: You make your way down a looping stairway, entering a dimly-lit hall that extends to the east.

Without warning, a harrowing sound echoes through the passage. You recall hearing worse only once before, when a fellow of your acquaintance contracted the dreaded banshee tapeworm (much to your relief, the problem of the noise was resolved once someone thought to apply a cork to the offending orifice).
action: Go east
response: As you draw closer, you recognise the tortured caterwauling of a man. With each step, the wailing becomes more and more intense, and it takes every ounce of courage not to turn and flee. You can see a dead end a little farther to the east.
action: Go east
response: You inch towards the end of the hall and discover the source of the noise. Locked in a cramped cell is a collection of heroes—five, to
be
exact. One of them is bent over a guitar.

"And after aaaaaaaalllllllll," he cries. "You're my wonderwaaaaaaaaalllllllll!"

The hero ends his song with a flourish and a bow, and the others offer a rousing round of applause. "Bravo, bravo!" they cry. Hero 3 whistles appreciatively through his fingers. (It should be noted you have a hard time telling heroes apart, especially when they are all men and rather generic. Thus, you decide to number them in your head to prevent any issues with disambiguation. Only Hero 1 stands out by virtue of his guitar, but calling him Guitar Hero would simply be too generous a title.)

"By the gods, a pig!" shouts Hero 5. He smacks his cellmates to gain their attention, and they all turn to consider you. "Could it be here to rescue the princess?" he continues.

"What a silly notion. I'm here to rescue the princess," says
Hero 4. Hero 2 gently but firmly corrects the other, stating that he, in fact, shall be rescuing the princess. This is followed by the same assertion from Hero 3. Hero 1 not only believes he shall be rescuing the princess, he has also written a song about it that he thinks everyone should hear right away.

"What if we all rescue the princess together?" asks Hero 5, earning incredulous glares from the others.

"If everyone is the hero, then nobody is," says Hero 4. The remaining heroes nod in unison. "So naturally," he continues, "I shall be the one to rescue the princess."

Losing interest in the resulting argument, you take in the rest of your surroundings. Within the cell, a combination washer-dryer stands against the far wall. Outside the cell, you find an empty guard post and a ring of keys hanging on the wall.
action: You take the keys
response: You assumed they were low enough to reach, but even when standing on your hind legs, the ring of keys is too far away.

The prisoners halt their argument to gape at your attempt. "Are you... are you trying to purloin the keys for us?" asks Hero 3. "Are you some sort of intelligent pig?"

When you turn to look at them, Hero 1 has an idea. "If you can understand me, bring me something to throw at the keys. I shall knock them off the wall, and you can retrieve them for me. Then I shall be free to rescue the princess."

"No, I'm rescuing the princess," counters Hero 2, and the
argument resumes once more.
action: Examine post
response: It's a table and chair, with the chair facing the cell. You assume this is where a guard would watch over a prisoner, so calling it a guard post felt more appropriate to conveying its purpose (though without a guard, it really is just a table and chair).
action: You examine the washer
response: A rare clockwork combination washer-dryer is beginning to succumb to rust. Chained to the machine is a skeleton.
action: You look at the skeleton
response: Such a gruesome death.
action: You open the washer
response: Being a pig, you are limited in what you can do.
action: You go west
response: You return to the centre of the dimly-lit hall that runs east and west.
action: You go to the west
response: You continue to the foot of the stairs to the west.
action: Go upwards
response: You make your way up the stairs to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom, and to the south is the foyer.

A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour.
action: You go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. Tuck is thrilled to see you again.

The squire immediately throws his arms around you. "Oh! How happy I am to know you are safe, little sniffer." He blinks the mist from his eyes. "I thought—well, who knows what dwells inside this evil place, and I was worried that..." He trails off, unable to complete the sentence, and only after an exhausting amount of kicking and squealing does he let you go.
action: Go southwest
response: Tuck follows you to the western end of the bailey. You can continue east towards the dogtower or southeast towards the drawbridge.

A red pail lies on its side.

You can also see a ball here.
action: You take the ball
response: Taken.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door into the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is an outdoor courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. A circular staircase curves upwards around a clockwork lift.
action: You go north
response: You head to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.

A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour.
action: Go downward
response: You descend the stairs down the looping stairs, entering a dimly-lit hall that extends to the east.
action: You go east
response: You return to the centre of the dimly-lit hall that runs east and west.
action: Go east
response: You proceed to the closed cell at the end of the hall. Inside, a collection of heroes are engaged in a heated argument. The nearby guard post is empty. On the wall hangs a ring of keys.

"Oh, good boy," says Hero 3, cutting the argument short. "Now bring the ball here." He slaps his hands on his thighs like you resemble a dog. You poke your snout between the bars, and Hero 2 takes the ball from your mouth.

"I have it! I have it!" he exclaims. "As leader of this group, I shall save us."

But Hero 4 snatches the ball away. "Leader? You are the leader the day pigs fly. I shall do the honours." he says, prompting another argument over who should be the one to rescue the group and whether or not they even have a leader. The fight quickly turns physical, each trying to take the ball from the other, and after a brief struggle, the ball looses itself from their collective grips. It sails across the hall and knocks the keys onto the floor.

The heroes consider their accomplishment. Finally, Hero 1 speaks. "Let that be a reminder of the power of teamwork," he says, and they all nod in agreement. "Now, pig," he continues, "might you bring us the keys?"
action: You take the keys
response: You pick up the ring of keys and bring it to the heroes, who fight over possession of them, and then fight over which key to try in the lock. As is usually the case when dealing with multiple keys, the last one tried is the right one. They burst out of the cell as soon as it opens.

"Fear not princess, for I am coming!" shouts Hero 5, escaping down the hall.

"Nay, princess, wait for your true hero!" follows Hero 3. Heroes 2 and 4 chase after the other two.

"I must warn the others to hide until the time is right," says Hero 1. "While I shall be the one to rescue the princess, I would not
want them to perish in this place." He looks down at the ring of keys. "I also see no need for these in the near future for any specific reason." Tossing them over his shoulder, he hurries after the others.
action: Look around
response: You are at the end of a dimly-lit hall before an open cell containing a skeleton chained to a combination washer-dryer. The nearby guard post is empty.

You can see a ring of keys and a ball here.
action: You take the keys
response: Taken.
action: You go to the west
response: You make your way to the foot of the stairs to the west.
action: Go up
response: You crest the top of the stairs and emerge into the courtyard, where the goblin engineer is panicking.

"Call the guard! The heroes have escaped!" she shouts, running back and forth before skidding to a halt. "Oh, chickenspit. Rhoda is the bloody guard."

She pulls a flint-wheel lighter out of her workvest and, shielding the flame from the rain, ignites the pilot light of the armour's flamethrower. Then she hops in the back and works the controls.

The contraption sputters and shakes as it struggles to right itself with one of its legs askew. Still, the goblin manages to coax the armour into an awkward limp, guiding it to the south.
action: You go to the south
response: You continue to the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. A circular staircase curves around a lift to the balcony above.

The goblin engineer inspects the double doors from atop the armour.

"Hmmm," she says, tugging on her ears. "The doors remain locked? The rotten heroes must be in the keep! Rhoda shall wait here and roast 'em on their escape." She pulls on the trigger of her flamethrower, and a ten-hands jet of flame bursts out of the barrel.
action: You go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. Tuck is thrilled to see you again.
action: You drop the keys
response: Dropped.
action: You sniff the keys
response: You sniff the ring of keys, and Tuck picks them up.

"Are you saying these will open the doors?" He looks to the south. "No, I cannot go in without Ser Leonhart. We have to rescue him first!" He returns the keys to the ground.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door into the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is an outdoor courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. A circular staircase curves upwards around a clockwork lift.

The goblin engineer keeps watch over the foyer from atop her mechanical suit of armour, her back facing the double doors.
action: Go north
response: You make your way to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: You go east
response: You head to the end of the hall. The nearby guard post is empty.

You can see a ball here.
action: Go west
response: You proceed to the foot of the stairs to the west.
action: You go upwards
response: You climb the stairs to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom, and to the south is the foyer.
action: Go south
response: You continue to the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. A circular staircase curves around a lift to the balcony above.

The goblin engineer keeps watch over the foyer from atop her mechanical suit of armour, her back facing the double doors.
action: You go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. Tuck is thrilled to see you again.

You see a ring of keys here.
action: You drop the ball
response: Dropped.
action: Sniff ball
response: You sniff the ball, and Tuck picks it up.
action: You go to the southeast
response: Tuck follows you to the eastern end of the bailey. You can continue west towards the dogtower or southwest towards the drawbridge.
action: You go west
response: Tuck follows you to the dogtower, where Ser Leonhart is struggling to free himself from beneath the dragon.

The dragon, seeing Tuck hurry by with the ball in hand, bolts upright, panting and wagging its tail.

"W-w-what now, milord?" asks Tuck. He moves the ball left and right, and the dragon follows it with its eyes. It shifts its weight from claw to claw, and its tail buffets the ground.

"The dragon has you in its sights!" shouts Ser Leonhart, filled with worry for his young charge. "Run, Tuck! Run I say! The beast is about to pounce!"

The squire spins round in a panic, but one foot catches on the other, and he falls. The ball, escaping his grip, bounces away to the south. The dragon immediately gives chase.

Beaming with pride, Ser Leonhart climbs to his feet and brushes himself off. "Excellent work, my resourceful rookie. You are always full of surprises." Tuck blushes as he too rises, though his brow remains furrowed; he is not quite sure what it is he actually did.
action: Go north
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.

Startled by the sounds of clinking chain and heavy footfalls, you turn to see the dragon running towards you with the ball in its jaws. Ser Leonhart grips the hilt of his sword. "The beast is more ferocious than I expected," he says. "We are left with no other choice."

"You shall defeat it in battle, milord?" asks Tuck.

"Of course not," replies the knight. "I suggest a hasty retreat."

Thus, the knight and his squire begin to run in tight circles as is their usual manner of escape. You would be more surprised if you had not already witnessed their methods working with an inexplicable degree of success against the creatures of the mountain (the ogre was prone to dizziness, the cyclops suffered from an inferior perception of depth and the medusa simply could not entice them to look at her).

The dragon, dropping the ball, joins in the circle behind them for what must seem a very fun game to play. You manage to hop over its chain with each pass.
action: Go south
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck run after you to the dogtower, the dragon not far behind. From here, you can go back north, or continue south, east or west.
action: You go south
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the southern end of the bailey. You can go north to the dogtower or around it to the northeast or northwest.
action: Go northwest
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the west end of the bailey. As you circle the dogtower, the chain holding the dragon becomes a little shorter. You can go east to the dogtower or around it to the northeast or southeast.

A red pail lies on its side.
action: You go northeast
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the double doors of the inner keep, and the chain becomes a little shorter. You can go south to the dogtower or around it to the southeast or southwest.

You can see a ball and a ring of keys here.
action: Go southeast
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the east end of the bailey, and the chain becomes a little shorter. You can go west to the dogtower or around it to the northwest or southwest.
action: You go southwest
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the southern end of the bailey, and the chain becomes a little shorter. Once more around should finish the job. You can go north to the dogtower or around it to the northeast or northwest.
action: Go northwest
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the west end of the bailey, and the chain becomes a little shorter. You can go east to the dogtower or around it to the northeast or southeast.

A red pail lies on its side.
action: Go northeast
response: You lead Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the dragon to the double doors of the inner keep, and the chain becomes a little shorter. You can go south to the dogtower or around it to the southeast or southwest.

You can see a ring of keys here.
action: Go southwest
response: You lead your entourage to the southern end of the bailey. At long last the chain has shortened enough to prevent the dragon from chasing our heroes. The knight and his squire take the opportunity to admire their accomplishment.

"I cannot believe (wheeze) we stopped the dragon (wheeze) with its own chain," says Tuck while trying to catch his breath.

"Not even dragons (wheeze) can escape the tangled (wheeze) irons of justice," replies Ser Leonhart, also gasping for air but putting a valiant effort into not showing it.
action: You go to the northwest
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the western end of the bailey. You can continue east towards the dogtower or northeast towards the inner keep's entrance.

A red pail lies on its side.
action: You take the pail
response: It's too big and unwieldy for you to carry.
action: You sniff the pail
response: You sniff the pail.

Ser Leonhart points his sword at the thing. "Not one of your better disguises, wizard," he says. "I shall cut you down where you, uh, lie already." He strikes the pail, sending it tumbling over itself several paces away.

Tuck chases it down and turns it over in his hands. "This... does not seem a dead wizard, milord," he says.

The knight rubs his chin. "I should have guessed from the label," he replies. "It is a chamber pot."

Recoiling in both disgust and horror, Tuck throws the pail to the ground and wipes his hands on his doublet.
action: You go to the northeast
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.

You can see a ring of keys here.

The heroes linger before the keep's imposing façade. Tuck cranes his neck nearly to the point of falling over.

"Golly! The keep is impossibly large," he says. "How ever shall we find the princess?"

"Kidnapped princesses are always remanded to the highest tower. It is how these things are done," replies the knight.

"But, milord," says Tuck as a new thought crosses his mind. "When I meet her, what should I say? Surely you have met Her Highness before."

Ser Leonhart's eyes take on a hazy quality. "Nay, I have not the privilege. Very few have lain eyes upon our beautiful and virtuous Princess Joy. The king has wisely kept her under lock and key since birth, safe within the walls of the Royal Palace. That the evil wizard violated her sanctuary by transforming into a dragon and carrying her away from her tower reveals the true depths of his depravity." He shakes a fist. "But, upon meeting her, all you must do is lower yourself to one knee and then stay there. Failing everything else, try to appear as inconsequential as possible." He returns his attention to the keep.

Tuck practices appearing inconsequential, and as it turns out, he is a natural.
action: Smell keys
response: You sniff the ring of keys, and Tuck hands the bunch to Ser Leonhart.

"Might these let us through the doors?" he asks.

"Such a clever lad, you are," responds the knight. He tries the keys in the lock, finding the right one when it turns. You hear the groan of a lifting latch. "Be ready, my faithful follower, for we know not what evils await us inside." Tuck darts behind Ser Leonhart as he ties the keys onto his belt and flings the doors open.

The goblin engineer, on the lookout for the five escaped heroes, was not expecting any more heroes to arrive, and certainly not through the locked double doors. She spins the armour round to face her new foes, but the disjointed leg cannot support her swift manoeuvre, and she stumbles backwards, inadvertently pulling the trigger of her flamethrower and loosing an arrow of fire onto the staircase. The flames spread across the carpet.

"Look what the stinky humes made Rhoda do!" she shrieks, unleashing a blast at Ser Leonhart. The knight ducks behind his shield.

"Tuck, keep away!" he shouts. "My shield can withstand the creature's fire!" He circles the armour, shield raised.

You lead Tuck into the foyer but maintain a healthy distance from the ensuing battle.
action: Go south
response: Tuck follows you out onto the bailey. The dogtower stands before you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: Smell pail
response: You sniff the pail, but Tuck hesitates. Annoyed, you sniff it again, and then again, until he comes over and picks it up with the tips of his fingers.

"The chamber pot? Is this supposed to help?" He looks back towards the keep, full of worry for his master.
action: Go northeast
response: Tuck follows you across the bailey, arriving at the open double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: Go north
response: Tuck follows you to the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the east is a well-lit hallway. A circular staircase curves around a lift to the balcony above.

The goblin engineer is locked in battle with Ser Leonhart, though the knight can only maintain a defensive position while the armour is spewing flame.
action: You go to the north
response: Tuck follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: Smell fountain
response: You sniff the fountain and then the pail. It takes a moment for the idea to settle in.

"Oh, water!" Tuck exclaims. He scoops up the water, filling the pail to the top.
action: You go south
response: At first, Tuck refuses to step into the foyer. He watches with eyes wide as saucers as the fierce battle rages on between Ser Leonhart and the goblin astride the mechanical menace. The armour hurls many lances of flame at the knight, who remains unscathed only by the grace of his shield.

A look of determination spreads across the young squire's face. "Here I am, milord!" he cries. "I shall assist you!" Summoning all the courage he can muster, he inhales deeply, lifts the pail of water high above his head and charges forward, managing at least a solid three steps, possibly four, before tripping over his own feet and flinging water everywhere.

The pail bounces once, twice, then rolls to a stop directly underneath the armour's approaching foot. The machine topples goblin-over-heels and crashes to the floor.

Out of its flamethrower erupts a wild stream of fire. It sprays upwards across the fleuret-patterned wallpaper and the elegantly draped white fabric, arcs back down along the bouquets of baby's breath and blasts the welcome poster off of its stand, only narrowly missing the wooden crate. Clearly no measure of fire retardants were applied to the wedding decorations, for the fire spreads quickly up the walls, seeming to catch on everything.

After a moment of quiet contemplation, the goblin engineer extricates herself from the fallen armour and brushes herself off. "And Rhoda is done," she says. "Have fun storming the castle!" Then she sprints through the double doors and disappears into the strengthening downpour outside.

Ser Leonhart immediately sets upon himself the task of putting out the fire, which involves stomping about in his armoured greaves. "Hurry, Tuck, we must halt the flames, lest the princess burn to death within her prison!"

Tuck investigates the possibility of using the fallen armour, comparing its oversized metal boots to his own for stomping out flames. Unfortunately, he seems unable to decipher the controls, and he soon becomes too distraught for independent action. He looks at you.
action: Smell pail
response: You sniff the pail, and Tuck picks it up.
action: Go north
response: You return to the courtyard with Tuck not far behind. Lightning flashes, and thunder rolls across the heavens. The rain comes down in thick sheets, leaving a thumb or two of standing water that accumulates faster than it drains.

The foyer is back to the south, billowing smoke out around you. A colonnade borders the ballroom to the north, and stairs descend beneath the wall to the west, water cascading down them. In the centre stands the fountain.
action: Smell fountain
response: You sniff the fountain and then the pail. Tuck scoops up the water, filling the pail to the top.
action: Go south
response: Tuck follows you to the foyer of the inner keep, which happens to be on fire. The drum of the downpour striking the skylight high above competes with the roar of the surrounding flames. A suit of mechanical armour lies abandoned near a wooden crate. Ser Leonhart runs back and forth, attempting to stomp out the flames with his boots.
action: Smell pail
response: You sniff the pail, and Tuck flings the water at the nearest patch of flame before dropping the empty pail. There is a spurt of steam, and not much else.

At this rate, it would take years to stop the fire's spread. There has to be a better way.
action: You examine the armour
response: You have a much better view of the armour now that the goblin engineer no longer lingers to shoo you away. Even so, you know not how it works. You can, however, identify the control panel and the flamethrower—its trigger within reach and its barrel pointed at the floor. Its pilot light is lit.
action: Smell panel
response: You sniff the controls.

Tuck knows not where to begin. He turns cranks and pulls levers, and the suit bucks and whirs. Now the flamethrower is pointed directly at the wooden crate.
action: Smell panel
response: You sniff the controls. Tuck pulls a lever, and the flamethrower points at the ceiling.
action: Smell panel
response: You sniff the controls. Tuck pulls a lever, and the flamethrower points at the floor.
action: Smell panel
response: You sniff the controls. Tuck pulls a lever, and the flamethrower points directly at the wooden crate.
action: Smell pilot
response: It is out of reach.
action: You examine the suit
response: You have a much better view of the armour now that the goblin engineer no longer lingers to shoo you away. Even so, you know not how it works. You can, however, identify the control panel and the flamethrower—its trigger within reach and its barrel pointed at the ceiling. Its pilot light is lit.
action: Smell trigger
response: You sniff the trigger, which Tuck pulls. An arrow of flame shoots many hands into the air.

Startled by yet another burst from the armour, Ser Leonhart throws up his shield before noticing his squire at the controls. "The goal is less fire, not more!" he cries.
action: Light
response: (the fleas)
Being a pig, you are limited in what you can do.
action: You look at the light
response: The pilot light is lit.
action: Smell panel
response: You sniff the controls. Tuck pulls a lever, and the flamethrower points at the floor.
action: You keep going
response: You sniff the controls. Tuck pulls a lever, and the flamethrower points directly at the wooden crate.
action: Smell trigger
response: You sniff the trigger, which Tuck pulls. An arrow of flame finds it mark upon the crate full of fireworks. Grabbing Tuck's hose with your teeth, you pull him to the corner of the room, and not a moment too soon.

The foyer vanishes behind an explosion of light, colour and sound. Blues swirl and greens pop. Yellows sizzle and purples streak this way and that. A phoenix of red light spreads its wings and screams upwards, bursting through the skylight and raining glass down around you (along with the actual rain).

Slowly but surely, rain triumphs over fire, and as the downpour returns to a light drizzle, you are left standing on charred carpet and slick stone. There is little spared by the flames.

"That was too close," says Tuck, shivering in the wet.

Ser Leonhart brushes bits of glass off his armour. "It was fortunate the wizard's plan failed," he says.

"How do you mean, milord?"

"He attempted to slay us with daggers of glass, but he instead put out the fire with the rain," replies the knight. "It is a mercy that even the most clever of men can make mistakes."

A loud crash interrupts the conversation, and the lowest section of the staircase, having lost its structural integrity, collapses into a pile of rubble.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things, not to mention each other, and after several minutes of trying to go somewhere useful, you give up and head back into the light of the foyer.
action: Go east
response: You guide the knight and his squire down the long hallway towards the closed door to the east, passing by the row of portraits. Tuck winces under their biting glares. "Who are all these people?" he asks.

"Victims of the wizard, from the looks of it. It takes a special kind of evil to steal portraits and then display them so blatantly in one's own residence."

"Oh," says Tuck. "I thought they might be the wizard's family."

Ser Leonhart nods. "There is a similar hall for portraits in my family's manor. Have I mentioned I come from a long line of heroes in service to the crown?"

"Once or twice." says Tuck. He pauses. "Milord, if I may ask, have you always wanted to be a hero?"

The knight blinks in confusion. "Of course! Why would I not?"

But Tuck offers no reply.
action: Smell door
response: You sniff the door, and Ser Leonhart pulls it open.
action: You go east
response: You lead the duo into a stately receiving room. Or rather, you walk in by yourself, for the knight and his squire have turned around and run the other way.

The reason for their fearful flight soon becomes clear. On the floor beside a fireplace sits an unnameable horror, sobbing dramatically. She is dressed in a housemaid's uniform and, for some reason, wears countless colourful ribbons all over her head-tentacles (an abundance of ribbons is a couple of generations out of fashion, even for housemaids). Most of her eyes acknowledge your presence before returning to the business of sobbing.

There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a narrow service corridor to the north.
action: You look at the horror
response: You have heard tales of unnameable horrors, and unlike your companions, you possess the constitution to look upon one. Or, perhaps their maddening appearance has no effect on ordinary pigs. In any event, you never suspected they wore so many ribbons.
action: You examine the ribbons
response: There are so many of them.
action: You look at the fireplace
response: A lit fireplace is always comforting, even in keeps belonging to evil wizards.
action: Go south
response: You head to a long dining room, where the table runs from one end of the room to the other. There are two chairs, one at each end. Any attempt at mealtime conversation must involve extensive shouting. Another room lies to the east.
action: You look at the table
response: It's exceptionally long.
action: Go east
response: You make your way into the smoking room, where light filters in through frosted windows. Mahogany furniture matches the wainscoting on the walls and ceiling. There is another room to the north.
action: You examine the windows
response: They let in a suggestion of light.
action: You look at the furniture
response: All the furnishings are composed of mahogany.
action: Go north
response: You head to an elegant parlour. Blue and gold floral-printed upholstery matches the paper on the walls. Beside a chaise lounge is the worst attempt at a standing lamp you have ever seen. The receiving room lies to the west.
action: You look at the lamp
response: Hero 2 is doing his best to impersonate a lamp, standing upright with a lampshade over his head. Every once in a while he scratches an itch or leans to one side before realising his error and standing rigid once more.
action: Smell hero
response: You sniff around Hero 2's feet. He nudges you away surreptitiously with a foot.
action: You look at the lounge
response: The chaise lounge looks remarkably comfortable. A shame you cannot climb on top of it.
action: You go to the west
response: You make your way to the receiving room. There is a narrow service corridor to the north, a well-lit hallway to the west and a dining room to the south. An unnameable horror is crying on the floor beside a roaring fireplace.
action: Go north
response: You enter a narrow service corridor continuing north. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: You go to the north
response: There is room enough for at least a dozen chefs in the dusty kitchen, but as you pass through the open doorway, you instead find a single occupant—a clown. And while you cannot say you have encountered many clowns up close, and certainly none this small of stature, you nevertheless recognise the warning signs: a head of poofy multicoloured hair, a painted smile, a shabby patchwork coat and a pair of oversized red shoes (which produces a delightfully silly
honk with each step). He stands before a cauldron bubbling
over an open flame, reading from a book and tossing ingredients into the concoction.

Only when he turns to grab a jar of owlet wings does he discover your attempt to sneak by. His beady eyes narrow at you.

"Piggy?" he asks. "How was the piggy freed? Not on Robbit's watch! His Lordship is angry enough." He searches the table of ingredients for something, growing more and more frustrated as the object of his search fails to appear. "Robbit swears there were piggy treats here!"

Exasperated, he pushes up his ruffled sleeves and chases you around the room. Once he manages to grab ahold of you, he lifts you off the floor, carries you out a side door and deposits you into a small, fenced-in area. Then he closes the gate and marches away, his clown shoes honking loudly as he goes.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: You find yourself surrounded by a chain link fence save for a gate to the north. The ground is muddy, and the air reeks of manure.

Of course. A pigpen.

On its own this would be a terrible predicament, but as you scan your surroundings, you discover you have a penmate. Another pig sits in the corner, tucked far enough away that you almost missed him. He scowls at you like you defecated all over his personal space.

Which, now that you think about it, is increasingly likely to happen should you find no escape.
action: You examine the pig
response: Aside from certain anatomical differences, he looks nearly identical to you.
action: You examine the gate
response: A simple peg on a string inserted into a slot keeps the gate shut. The peg is easily accessible from both sides of the gate.
action: You take the peg
response: It takes several tries with your teeth, but you manage to pull on the string until the peg pops free of the slot. The gate swings open.
action: Smell pig
response: You attempt to sniff the pig, and he decides this is the perfect opportunity to put as much distance between the two of you as possible. He scurries through the gate to the north.
action: Go north
response: Beyond the fence lies the stableyard. An old barn stands empty to the north. An open doorway to the west leads back into the inner keep.
action: Go north
response: You proceed into a large but empty barn. Near the back, an old ladder leads to a loft. You can hear creaky footsteps above you.
action: You look at ladder
response: The ladder has seen better days.
action: You go to the south
response: You make your way to the stableyard. To the south is the pen. To the west is an open doorway leading inside the inner keep.
action: Go west
response: You find the clown pursuing the other pig about the kitchen. He manages to snatch the beast by his tail and lift him off the floor.

"Caught piggy now!" he shouts in triumph, and at that moment, he notices you. "Two piggies?" he asks aloud. "Two too many piggies running higgeldy-piggeldy."

The other pig, seeing a means of escape, bites down hard on the clown's free hand. The clown recoils and drops the pig, who rushes away to the south.

The clown gives chase, shouting invectives and honking as he goes.
action: Look around
response: The kitchen is as large as it is dusty, and it's quite large. Passages lead outside to the east and into a narrow corridor to the south. A single cauldron bubbles over an open flame, filling the room with a vile odour. Jars of assorted ingredients are gathered atop a nearby table, alongside an open book that rests halfway off the table's edge.
action: You look at the book
response: You presume it's some sort of poisoner's cookbook, considering the smell of whatever is boiling in the cauldron. It hangs slightly off the edge of the table.
action: You take the book
response: The book is too far away.
action: You examine cauldron
response: Unsavoury things always seem to be brewed in cauldrons such as this.
action: You examine table
response: Many jars of ingredients sit atop it. A book teeters on the edge.
action: You take the table
response: It is hardly portable.
action: Go south
response: You enter a narrow service corridor continuing south. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.

From the south comes the clown's voice. "Petunia! Seen any piggies? A pink piggy, this high, waddles about?"

The only response from the horror is more sobbing.

"Cry not, Petunia, Robbit is sorry. Look at poor Robbit! All Robbit wanted was a sippy of His Lordship's tasty blueberry juice, and now Robbit is stuck with the honky-honky shoes!" You hear several more honks like he is walking in a circle, showing them off.

The sobbing turns into a wail.

"Sorry, sorry! Robbit can find the piggy then pluck the ingredients from the stinky heroes then finish His Lordship's counter potion then fix Petunia right up!"

You wait until you hear the clown leaving the receiving room for one further away.
action: Go upwards
response: You ascend the stairs to the first storey landing. The stairs continue up to the storey above. To the west is a closed door.
action: You examine the door
response: A solid wooden door. The doors of the keep used to contain puzzles to solve in order to open them. It appears they have all been removed.
action: Go upward
response: You climb the stairs to the second storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above. A closed door stands to the west.
action: Go upwards
response: You reach the top of the servants' stairs. To the west is a closed door.
action: Go downwards
response: You make your way down the stairs to the second storey landing, the stairway continuing down to the storey below. A closed door stands to the west.
action: Go downward
response: You descend the stairs to the first storey landing, the stairway continuing down to the ground floor below. To the west is a closed door.
action: Go downwards
response: You descend the stairs and enter a narrow service corridor running north and south.

You relax as you hear the clown's honking shoes taking him away from the room to the south.
action: You go to the south
response: You proceed to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a well-lit hallway through the open door to the west. An unnameable horror is crying on the floor beside a roaring fireplace.

You hear the clown searching for you in the room to the east.
action: Go west
response: You arrive to find Ser Leonhart and Tuck chasing the pig around in circles. The pig wants naught to do with the overly eager humans in tow. He dashes off into the darkened hallway to the west in an effort to lose them, but Ser Leonhart charges in after him.

Tuck hesitates long enough to catch a glimpse of you waddling into the foyer. He scratches his head, first looking down the darkened hallway, then back to you, then down the darkened hallway again before shrugging and resuming his place behind you.
action: You examine the lift
response: The lift is closed.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead him inside.

The space is only large enough for about three people, but for an ordinary pig like yourself, there is plenty of room. Next to the door on the southern wall is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled 'G' is already depressed.
action: Smell 1
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the button labelled '1'. Tuck presses it.

The lift stutters to life and slowly ascends before coming to a stop. You emerge onto the first storey balcony. On this level, you can go east to a hallway.
action: You go east
response: Tuck follows you down the first storey hallway. There is an open doorway to the north and a closed door to the east.
action: Go north
response: The expansive library is a welcoming sight, its ceiling high enough to accommodate the shelves upon shelves of ancient books and tomes. If only during your captivity you were kept here, you could have hurried the afternoons along reading some forgotten tales, or epic poetry, or as a last resort, something religious.

On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry. The large window on the opposite wall lets in ample light, and on a sunny day paired with a warm breeze, the room might have even convinced you to remember the keep in a kinder light.
action: You look at the tapestry
response: The large tapestry depicts a demon standing on a rocky shoreline in the midst of a storm. In one hand he holds a bell; the other is outstretched, feeding a murder of crows that hovers around him.
action: Examine books
response: The shelves are full of the usual suspects: histories, atlases, scientific theses, scriptures, erotic poetry and, of course, studies in dark magick. You notice the magickal tomes in particular have titles like Hexes and the Art of Broomstick Repair and
The Joy of Brewing, and you wonder if the keep also has a
witch in residence.
action: You look at the window
response: The window is closed. Given you are not very tall, you have no angle to see much more than the clouds.
action: Smell the tapestry
response: You sniff the tapestry. Tuck considers the subject but finds no deeper meaning beyond a bunch of pretty pictures.
action: You look at your surroundings
response: The expansive library stretches out around you, lit by a large window. On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry. The remaining walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of books. A bare reading table occupies the centre of the room. Tuck waits nearby.
action: You look at the table
response: The table is bare.
action: Smell books
response: You sniff a bookshelf. Tuck, intimidated by the sheer number of books, says rooted in place.
action: Go south
response: You return to the first storey hallway, which runs from the balcony to the west to a closed door to the east. Tuck remains close behind.
action: Smell door
response: You sniff the door, and Tuck opens it, revealing a narrow servants' staircase.
action: Go east
response: Tuck follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: Go downward
response: The smell of burnt flesh and rotten eggs wafts into the narrow corridor as you lead Tuck down the stairs. The clown comes running in from the south.

"The potion! Robbit cannot burn the potion!" He races by you to the north.
action: You go to the north
response: Tuck manages hardly a few steps into the kitchen when the clown turns around.

"Who is this one?" he asks, but before Tuck can stutter a reply, the clown thrusts a large spoon into the squire's hand and pulls him over to the cauldron. "It matters not. Friend stirs now," he commands. "The sooner Robbit finishes the potion, the sooner Robbit is no longer a honky-honky clown, and friend no longer a stinky hume."

The terrified squire begins to slowly stir the cauldron, earning a smack on the back of the hand from the clown. "Stir faster, and stop not, or His Lordship will sentence friend to death from laundry duty." Tuck stirs with all the strength he can rally.

"Now for the piggy." The clown picks you up and returns you to the pen, mumbling something about the poor quality of piggy fences. After closing the gate behind you, he honks back into the kitchen.
action: Go up
response: Tuck follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above or go west to the hallway.
action: Go upwards
response: Tuck follows you to the second storey landing. The stairs continue up to the storey above. There is a closed door to the west.
action: Smell door
response: You sniff the door, and Tuck opens it, revealing a hallway.
action: You go west
response: Tuck follows you down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: You examine the memo
response: The memo was written in haste, complete with angry smears of ink. It reads:

Attn: staff
For switching the labels on all of my potions, thus enabling the Princess Joy's escape, as well as dumping the remaining store of counter potion down the drain, my son is grounded and must remain in his room. Do NOT let him out under pain of death by laundry duty. I can assure you there are PLENTY of socks that require matching.
Anyone not affected by a potion must search the mountain for the princess and bring her back here. In the meantime, Robbit will brew a counter potion to fix the rest of us. I would do it myself, but now I have to brew a new batch of love potion so we can finally have a wedding.
Signed,
~*Lord Queklain*~

P.S. To whomever keeps smuggling in wigs and dresses, I will find you and you will suffer the worst kind of laundry duty and also death.
action: Northern
response: You sniff the door. Tuck tries to open it but finds it locked.

"I believe Ser Leonhart has the keys," he says.
action: Go west
response: Tuck follows you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the west. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go west
response: Tuck follows you down the western hallway. There is a bedroom to the west and a closed door to the north.
action: Go west
response: You attempt to lead Tuck into the bedroom, but an old woman frightens him away. "Too soon! Too soon for heroes!" she cries. "My greatest work is not yet complete!" She chases Tuck about with a tin of pig treats until he flees back into the hallway. You remain close behind.
action: Northern
response: You sniff the door, and Tuck opens it, revealing a bedroom.
action: Go north
response: Tuck follows you north to a majestic bedroom. Against the far wall is a mahogany bed, a totem of devilish creatures carved into each of the posts. In another corner is a desk covered in papers. One such paper has fallen to the floor.
action: You look at the paper
response: It is a letter:

To His Most Honourable Evil Wizard Queklain, Lord of the Impenetrable Keep,

We are writing to inform you that Corporation Incorporated has purchased your debt in arrears. As of the date of this letter, your outstanding balance is nine million, nine hundred and twenty-three thousand, six hundred and eighty-five doubloons. You may send a check or money order in the return envelope provided with this letter.

Failure to comply with this request within thirty days will begin possession proceedings, including but not limited to confiscation of real estate, bank accounts, sole proprietorships, investment securities, ships and vehicles, art and antiquities, spell books, slaves and your first born child. Customer satisfaction is our number one priority, so please do not hesitate to contact us with any questions or concerns you may have.

Sincerely,
Gerry Evans, Account Executive
Corporation Incorporated
action: You examine the bed
response: It is large and luxurious, if somewhat creepy.
action: Smell bed
response: You sniff the bed. Tuck bites his lip.
action: Look around
response: You are in a majestic bedroom, the exit to the south. Against the far wall is a mahogany bed, a totem of devilish creatures carved into each of the posts. In another corner is a desk covered in papers. One such paper has fallen to the floor. Tuck waits nearby.
action: You examine the desk
response: There are a great deal of papers on top of it.
action: You go to the south
response: Tuck follows you to the western hallway. There is a balcony to the east and bedroom to the west.
action: Go east
response: Tuck follows you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the east. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go upward
response: Tuck follows you to the highest balcony, with a hallway to the east and a spiral staircase up to the tower to the west. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go west
response: Tuck follows you to the top of the spiral staircase. To the north is a closed door. You can hear sparks and zaps and other magickal noises coming from inside.
action: You examine the door
response: A solid wooden door. The doors of the keep used to contain puzzles to solve in order to open them. It appears they have all been removed.
action: You go downwards
response: You lead Tuck away from the cramped stone stairway and return to the third storey balcony. A hallway extends to the east, while the main staircase descends to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go east
response: Tuck follows you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a closed door to the east.
action: You examine the gargoyle
response: Its countenance was carved into the most hideous of glowers. You are reminded of the woman who tended to you when you were young. In one of its hands hangs a tasselled cord.
action: You examine the cord
response: It hangs from one of the gargoyle's hands.
action: Smell cord
response: The tasselled cord is too far away.
action: Smell door
response: You sniff the door, and Tuck opens it, revealing a narrow servants' staircase.
action: You go west
response: You lead Tuck to the third storey balcony. Ahead of you rises a spiral staircase to the keep's highest tower. The main staircase descends to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Descend
response: Tuck follows you to the second storey balcony, where hallways extend to the east and west. The circular staircase continues to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go down
response: Tuck follows you to the first storey balcony, which curves along the far wall and turns down a hallway to the east. The lift stands ready to take you to another storey.
action: Go west
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are east and up.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead him inside. Next to the door on the southern wall is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled '1' is already depressed.
action: Smell g.
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the rightmost button. Tuck presses it. The lift stutters to life, slowly descending all the way to the ground.

You emerge into the foyer. You can go north to the courtyard, south through the double doors to the bailey, east to the well-lit hallway or west to the darkened hallway.
action: You go to the west
response: Tuck follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Ser Leonhart is now standing behind you.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift. Ser Leonhart throws open the door, only to find it empty. He holds you back before you can enter. "The wizard must have been in there recently, but he is not in there now," he says.
action: You go to the north
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: Go down
response: It's much too flooded to go down there.
action: Go north
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido looking particularly anxious. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
action: Smell Cupido
response: You sniff around Hero 1's feet, and Ser Leonhart nods with solemn reverence.

"Aye, I believe a prayer to the divine may help us in our quest." He sinks to his knees before the hero and says a quick prayer. Meanwhile, Hero 1 scrunches and unscrunches his nose in an attempt to scratch an itch without moving his arms.

Once finished, Ser Leonhart rises and bids you to continue the search for the wizard.
action: You examine the statue
response: Hero 1 has taken the position of the statue of Cupido, having shattered the real statue into hundreds of pieces spread out across the floor. He painted himself white with what might be flour and milk, lending him a slightly sour odour. His guitar completes the look.
action: You go south
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the south is the foyer. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: You examine the fountain
response: The fountain is a large pool of water encased by stone. The statue in its centre depicts a cockatrice hen feeding her chicks in the manner of most birds, the act represented by the water pouring out of her mouth. At the hen's feet are the remains of a human, ravaged, with their ribs exposed through torn meat.
action: You go south
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the open double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
action: You go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
action: You examine Tristain
response: It's an empty frame.
action: Smell Tristain
response: The portrait of Tristain is too far away.
action: You examine Adelstain
response: In the oldest painting, Adelstain poses amidst his inventions. Children in history class learn about the great puzzlemaster Adelstain, who held patents on everything from the basic crossword puzzle to the puzzle cube to the use of several alternate number systems including binary and hexadecimal. That is, until the patents were opened up to the public domain after a lengthy court battle several decades later (a riveting tale, for another day). He wears the finest clothes and has diamond rings on nearly every finger.
action: You examine the Morgaine
response: After it was discovered that gold could be ground into a fine powder, many women decided to show their wealth by lining their eyes and lips with the stuff. Morgaine was very rich indeed. Her collection of jewellery is extensive.
action: You examine Rogaine
response: Rogaine was completely bald. There might be other interesting things happening in the portrait, but you find yourself too distracted by how well the artist captured the shininess of the man's head, to the point where you can make out a reflection of the artist himself, hard at work.
action: You examine Romaine
response: Poor Romaine must have been disliked by his family. Was there not one kind soul to dissuade him from wearing an outfit so offensively green? The portrait itself is only half the size of its predecessors, as if paying the artist had become a consideration.
action: You go east
response: You pass through the open door into the next room without Ser Leonhart, the sight of the unnameable horror too much for him to bear. He panics for the briefest of moments before his feet assume responsibility for his mental well-being, taking him back the way he came.

The receiving room is as you have left it, including the horror still sobbing by the fire.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart is busy recovering from his trauma when you arrive. He soon returns to your side.
action: You go to the west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the open double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Hero 3 is now standing behind you.

"Hmmm," he says, taking in the newly-damaged foyer. "The princess must be locked in the highest tower, and it seems I have missed my chance for the stairs." Glancing out the double doors, he spots the dragon in the distance and shouts with glee. "I shall tame the dragon and ride it up to the princess!" As he runs through the doors, he turns and pulls them shut behind him, as if to bar you from meddling.
action: You go south
response: You return to the dogtower to find that not only has Hero 3 managed to stay alive, but he has somehow climbed onto the dragon's back and is attempting to free the chain from around its neck.

The dragon, not entirely pleased with the situation, is trying to scratch the hero off his back with a hind leg like a dog would an irritating flea. You can empathise.
action: You go to the north
response: You head across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to what's left of the foyer. To the north is a courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
action: Go west
response: You head down the hallway and into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Tuck is now standing behind you.
action: Smell doors
response: You sniff the double doors. Tuck attempts to open them, but he simply is not strong enough.
action: You go to the north
response: Tuck follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: You go to the north
response: Tuck follows you into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido looking particularly anxious. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
action: Smell Cupido
response: You sniff around Hero 1's feet. Tuck bows reverently to the statue, a fist at his heart.
action: Go downwards
response: You cannot go that way. The only available exit is south.
action: You go south
response: Tuck follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the south is the foyer. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: Go south
response: Tuck follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead him inside. Next to the door on the southern wall is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled 'G' is already depressed.
action: Smell 1
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the button labelled '1'. Tuck presses it.

The lift stutters to life and slowly ascends before coming to a stop. You emerge onto the first storey balcony. On this level, you can go east to a hallway.
action: Go east
response: Tuck follows you down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a stairwell to the east.
action: Go east
response: Tuck follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: You take the peg
response: You pull out the peg on the first try, having become significantly better at this. The gate swings open.
action: You go north
response: You continue to the stableyard. To the north is the barn, and to the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: Go west
response: You return to the kitchen and find Tuck alone, frantically stirring the contents of the cauldron. He looks relieved to see you enter.

"Oh, little sniffer, what a mess I now find myself in! What can I do? Maybe I can find something to scare away the clown." He steps away from the cauldron and peers down the service corridor. Seeing no sign of the clown, he then hurries over to the table and sorts through ingredients.

"I know not what to look for. What do you suppose clowns are afraid of? I daresay, the wizard seems to have a number of frightening things—" His elbow catches a jar, tipping it and several others over amidst the sound of breaking glass. Tuck yanks his arm away, knocking a book and a pepper shaker onto the floor.

He stands frozen in fearful anticipation of having drawn unwanted attention. When no one arrives, he returns straight to the cauldron and promptly resumes stirring the brew. "I will never make a good hero. Not even a passable hero. I will stir as asked and allow Ser Leonhart to save the day," says Tuck reassuringly to himself. "Yes, that is for the best."
action: Examine book
response: It's a book of potions. The open page reads:

~   To reverse the effects of any magick potion   ~

* three pints of milk
* one hundred grams of all-purpose flour, sifted
* ten nail clippings from a bear
* six tears from a virgin
* four lizard's legs
* two owlet wings
* five strands of hair from heroes (to clarify: hair from five separate heroes, and not five strands from the same one)

Boil the ingredients in a cauldron of rose water, adding them one by one while stirring continuously. The potion is finished once it turns a bright pink in colour. Note that the ingredients may be difficult to come by.

Bottle immediately and store for up to three years in a cool, dark place.
action: Go north
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are south and east.
action: Go east
response: You make your way to the stableyard. To the north is the barn, and to the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: You go to the north
response: You proceed into the large but empty barn. Near the back, an old ladder leads to a loft. You can hear creaky footsteps above you.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker).
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.
action: You go south
response: You make your way to the stableyard. To the south is the pen. To the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: You go west
response: You continue into the large and dusty kitchen. A narrow service corridor lies to the south. A single cauldron bubbles over an open flame, filling the room with a vile odour. Jars of assorted ingredients are gathered atop a nearby table. On the floor is an open book. Tuck is frantically stirring the contents of the cauldron.
action: Go south
response: You enter a narrow service corridor continuing south. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.

From the south comes the voice of the clown, in a state of utter panic. "Oh no, oh no, oh no. Forget the piggies, the foyer is a mess! Rhoda is gone! The heroes escaped!" He pauses and gasps. "What if His Lordship blames poor Robbit?" You hear the honk honk honk of
the clown pacing about the room.
action: You go upwards
response: You head up the stairs to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above or go west to the hallway.
action: Go west
response: You proceed down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: You go to the north
response: You make your way into an expansive library lit by a large window. On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry. The remaining walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of books. A bare reading table occupies the centre of the room.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker).
action: Go south
response: You return to the first storey hallway, which runs from the balcony to the west to the stairwell to the east.
action: You go east
response: You proceed to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: Go upwards
response: You climb the stairs to the second storey landing. You can continue up to the storey above or head west to the hallway.
action: You go upward
response: You climb the stairs to the third storey landing. You can head west to the hallway.
action: Go west
response: You make your way down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). The gargoyle sneezes, and he spits out a bottle of potion. It sails into the opposite wall and smashes to bits.
action: You examine the gargoyle
response: Its countenance was carved into the most hideous of glowers. You are reminded of the woman who tended to you when you were young. In one of its hands hangs a tasselled cord.
action: You go to the east
response: You continue to the third storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey below.
action: Go downwards
response: You descend the stairs to the second storey landing. You can continue down to the storey below or go west to the hallway.
action: Go west
response: You proceed down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Go west
response: You head to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the west. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go north
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are east, west, up and down.
action: You go west
response: You make your way down the western hallway. There is a bedroom to the west and a bedroom to the north.
action: Go north
response: You head north to a majestic bedroom. Against the far wall is a mahogany bed, a totem of devilish creatures carved into each of the posts. In another corner is a desk covered in papers. One such paper has fallen to the floor.
action: Go south
response: You make your way to the western hallway. There is a balcony to the east and bedroom to the west.
action: Go west
response: The small bedroom is not as immaculately kept as the other rooms. Oil stains are everywhere, including on the hammock that serves as a bed. Above the hammock hangs an aged painting. An old woman is hard at work tinkering with some kind of vending machine.

At first, the woman fails to notice you. She removes the lid from a tin of pig treats and shoves a handful of them into her mouth. However, once she sees you waddle in through the open door, she raises an eyebrow as if to say "why is there a pig in my bedroom?" This is followed by a glance over at her pig treats, then a horrible glare and hissing sound at you to say "oh, you want these treats? Well, too bad, they belong to me and not to you!"
action: You examine the woman
response: Her age is a mystery, but if you were to hazard a guess, you would say somewhere between ninety-six and one hundred and fifty-two. Around her neck is a pendant shaped like a jigsaw puzzle piece.
action: You examine the hammock
response: Hanging from the ceiling is a hammock, which you presume is where the old woman sleeps.
action: You examine the painting
response: The scene depicts Blixe, goddess of lightning, of wisdom, invention and caffeinated beverages, giving a book of mathematics to Adelstain, who you recognise from his portrait in the hallway gallery. The divine interaction takes place atop a familiar mountain, the eventual site of the Impenetrable Keep.
action: You look at the machine
response: The clockwork vending machine stands ominously against the wall, an exposed monolith of cogs and axles. Through the glass cover you can see spiral coils arranged in lettered rows and numbered columns (A1 through F8), though the only object available for vending is a handbell in D5.

Along the bottom are a series of coloured switches. In order from left to right, they are: a red switch (down), an orange switch (down), a yellow switch (down), a green switch (down), a blue switch (down), an indigo switch (down), a violet switch (down) and a white switch (down). A large button on the side reads: PRESS TO VEND.
action: Smell the indigo
response: You sniff the indigo switch.
action: You examine the tin
response: The pig on the side of the tin looks unbelievably happy to be eating one of the treats. It sits atop a drafting table.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). The old woman sneezes.
action: You go east
response: You leave the bedroom behind and return to the western hallway. There is a balcony to the east and a bedroom to the north.
action: You go to the east
response: You proceed to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the east. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go down
response: You head down the stairs to the first storey balcony, which curves along the far wall and turns down a hallway to the east. The lift stands ready to take you to another storey.
action: Go west
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are east and up.
action: You jump
response: Being a pig, you are limited in what you can do.
action: You go east
response: You make your way down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a stairwell to the east.
action: Go downwards
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are north, east and west.
action: Go east
response: You continue to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: Go south
response: By the time you return to the receiving room, the clown has started crying, and the horror has wrapped a comforting tentacle around him.

"Robbit shall be sacked for sure," moans the clown. "On the streets, begging for scraps from stinky stinky humes!" The horror proffers him a handkerchief, which he uses to wipe his eyes and blow his nose before handing it back.

"If doggy was still a doggy," the clown continues, "mayhap doggy could find the heroes. Robbit cannot finish the potion without them."

As you waddle across the room, the horror gestures to you and makes a deep, gargling sound. The clown perks a bit. "Petunia thinks so?" he asks. "Robbit heard about piggies smelling mushrooms, but heroes? Well, piggy stays not in the piggypen anyway." He walks over to you and shoves a shiny badge that says "Hero Akademy: Class of '68" in your nose, or rather, your snout.

"Smell this, piggy. Is the heroes' scent. Piggy shall lead Petunia to the heroes to collect ingredients and return the heroes to their cage. In the meantime, Robbit must see to His Lordship." After granting you barely enough time to smell it, Robbit returns the badge to his pocket and honks away to the north.

The horror wipes away the last of her tears and lumbers over to you. It seems you have a new friend.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you to the parlour. Blue and gold floral-printed upholstery matches the paper on the walls. Beside a chaise lounge is the worst attempt at a standing lamp you have ever seen. The smoking room lies to the south.
action: Smell lamp
response: You sniff around Hero 2's feet.

The horror gently lifts the lampshade off the hero's head, and you watch as the walls of his sanity begin to crumble. He cries, he laughs, he mumbles gibberish, all while the horror caresses him with her tentacles.

After a distinct period of time known only to the horror, she opens a portal to the partially-flooded cell beneath the keep and pushes him through, plucking a single hair from his head as he goes. Then she lifts one tentacle into the air.

One found, you suppose.
action: Go west
response: The horror follows you to the receiving room. There is a narrow service corridor to the north, a well-lit hallway to the west and a dining room to the south.
action: You go to the west
response: The horror follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the west is the foyer.
action: Go west
response: The horror follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and onto the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. The horror follows you through the doors, closing them behind you.

The dragon, somehow free of its chain, comes leaping and bounding towards the horror, barking and wagging its tail. With a wave of her tentacle, the horror commands the dragon to sit up on its hind legs, then lie down. After performing several more tricks, the dragon falls in line behind her.
action: Go south
response: You return to the dogtower, the horror and dragon close behind. From here, you can go back north, or continue south, east or west.
action: You go to the south
response: You lead the horror and the dragon to the southern end of the bailey. You can go north, northeast, northwest or south across the drawbridge.
action: Smell
response: (the pepper shaker)
You might drop the pepper shaker first.
action: You go to the north-west
response: You lead the horror and the dragon to the western end of the bailey. You can continue east towards the dogtower or northeast towards the inner keep's entrance.
action: Go east
response: You return to the dogtower, the horror and dragon close behind. From here, you can go back west, or continue north, south or east.
action: You go east
response: You lead the horror and the dragon to the eastern end of the bailey. You can continue northwest towards the inner keep's entrance or southwest towards the drawbridge.
action: You go to the northwest
response: You lead the horror and the dragon across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to what's left of the foyer. The horror follows not long after, opening and then closing the double doors behind you. To the north is a courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway.
action: Go north
response: The horror follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: You go north
response: The horror follows you into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido looking particularly anxious. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). The horror sneezes. Hero 1 sneezes.
action: Smell hero
response: You sniff around Hero 1's feet.

The horror coaxes open the hero's eyes, and you watch as the walls of his sanity begin to crumble. As you have witnessed before, the horror transports him to the small cell beneath the keep, keeping a strand of hair for herself. Then she lifts two tentacles into the air, a reminder of how many heroes have been found.
action: You go south
response: The horror follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the south is the foyer. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
action: You go to the south
response: The horror follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and onto the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. The horror follows you through the doors, and the dragon soon joins the both of you.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). The horror sneezes. The dragon sneezes.
action: Go south
response: You return to the dogtower, the horror and dragon close behind. From here, you can go back north, or continue south, east or west.
action: Go south
response: You cross the drawbridge and return to the opposite side of the moat, where a cornucopia of old and broken puzzles spills out of an overturned rubbish bin. The horror and dragon remain close behind.
action: You look at the bin
response: It has been overturned, revealing a number of old and broken puzzles.
action: Smell the moat
response: You sniff the moat. The horror continues to be patient with you.
action: You go north
response: You lead the horror and the dragon to the southern end of the bailey. The dogtower stands in the centre of the bailey to the north. You can also go northeast or northwest.
action: Go north
response: You return to the dogtower, the horror and dragon close behind. From here, you can go back south, or continue north, east or west.
action: You go north
response: You lead the horror and the dragon across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to what's left of the foyer. The horror follows not long after, opening and then closing the double doors behind you. To the north is a courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway.
action: Go west
response: The horror follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Ser Leonhart is now standing behind you.
action: You go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
action: You go north
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are east and west.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well a service corridor to the north.
action: Go north
response: You lead Ser Leonhart into the narrow service corridor continuing to the north. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: You go north
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the kitchen. He is surprised to discover Tuck exerting himself over a cauldron.

"There you are, my slippery sidekick!" exclaims the knight. "What is this foul creation you are brewing?"

"I-I know not, milord," replies Tuck, "but I'm not permitted to stop."

Ser Leonhart gasps. "You have been enchanted by the evil wizard, forced to assist him in his devilry!"

"I apologise, milord, what I meant to say is that—"

"Worry not," interrupts the knight. "With the sniffer's help, I shall slay the wizard and release you from his spell." He grips the younger man's shoulder in a gesture of confidence.

Tuck sighs and returns to the stirring.
action: Go north
response: You cannot go that way. Available exits are south and east.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the stableyard. To the north is the barn, and to the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: Go north
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the large but empty barn. Near the back, an old ladder leads to a loft. You can hear creaky footsteps above you.
action: Smell ladder
response: You sniff the ancient ladder. Ser Leonhart hops onto the rungs and ascends partway before the wood snaps in two. Gravity brings him down, and not gently.

"How many times have I told you this is my hiding sp—" comes a voice from above, and Hero 4 pokes his head over the side of the loft. He gasps. "Georgie? Little 'Georgie Porgie' Leonhart from Hero Akademy? It has been an age! How have you been? My, to what heights you have grown! And you lost weight! At the same time, how wonderful!"

"Percy?" Ser Leonhart can hardly believe his eyes. "How is it you are here?"

"I ascended the mountain to rescue the princess, of course," replies Hero 4. "Tell me, are you not also here to rescue the princess, win her love and affection, marry her and receive her ten million doubloon dowry? Well, you have embarked on this quest for naught, because I shall succeed first." He pauses. "After I find a way down from here. Would you lend a hand?"

"Certainly—that is, I can certainly help you down. I have no
interest
in marrying Her Highness, only in seeing to her safe return home. So, if you could slowly lower yourself over the—"

Hero 4 throws himself off the loft and onto Ser Leonhart, who collapses under the other man's weight. The two immediately rise and appraise each other for broken parts.

"Thank you, Georgie," says Hero 4. He smooths his beard. "The lead actor always receives the accolades, but it is important to appreciate the supporting cast."

"Aye," agrees Ser Leonhart. "Which is why I appreciate you most genuinely."

Hero 4 makes a face like he bit into something sour, but he recovers quickly. "Nay, Georgie, it is I who appreciates you most sincerely."

"I must insist that I am the one who appreciates you most indubitably," replies Ser Leonhart.

The two argue over who appreciates the other more until they forget why they were arguing in the first place. Hero 4 holds up a finger. "We could appreciate each other all day, but alas, the princess's time wanes. There is a plan, the best plan of them all I might add, submerged in the deepest river of my mind, and I am but a simple trout, skimming the surface when I should be plunging into its depths. You must leave me to think now, Georgie, good old Georgie, but best of luck to you. You shall need it!" He begins to pace about the barn.

Ser Leonhart, ready to rescue the princess himself, returns to your side.
action: You go south
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the stableyard. To the south is the pen. To the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the large and dusty kitchen. A narrow service corridor lies to the south. A single cauldron bubbles over an open flame, filling the room with a vile odour. Jars of assorted ingredients are gathered atop a nearby table. On the floor is an open book. Tuck is frantically stirring the contents of the cauldron.
action: You go south
response: You lead Ser Leonhart into the narrow service corridor continuing to the south. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: Go upward
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above or go west to the hallway.
action: You go upwards
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the second storey landing. You can continue up to the storey above or head west to the hallway.
action: Go up
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the third storey landing. You can head west to the hallway.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). Ser Leonhart sneezes. The gargoyle sneezes, and he spits out a bottle of blue potion, which Ser Leonhart deftly plucks from the air.

"This appears to be some sort of magick potion," says the knight as he looks it over. "I will not partake in such devilry." He smashes the potion on the ground.
action: You go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the third storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey below.
action: Go downwards
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the second storey landing. You can continue down to the storey below or go west to the hallway.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Smell northern door
response: You sniff the door, and Ser Leonhart tries to open it. Discovering it's locked, he instead attempts to read the memo. You think it the perfect opportunity for a short nap.

And yet, before you can settle down and descend into slumber, the knight recognises two of the memo's many words and shouts in triumph. "Princess Joy is here! We must free the princess from her prison!"

From inside the room comes the scratchy tenor of an adolescent male. "Who goes there?"

Ser Leonhart rises to his full height, holding a fist against his chest. "Princess Joy, be those your dulcet tones passing through yonder door? Let not despair linger a moment longer in your heart, for it is I, Ser Leonhart, who have come to rescue you from the clutches of the evil wizard. Allow me to escort you away, to wherever your heart desires."

There is a significant pause before the next response, this time a squeaky falsetto. "Yes, (some sounds of a clearing throat) yes, my brave and glorious knight, I'm most certainly Princess Joy. Prithee, uh—grant me a moment to make myself decent." This is followed by
some
frantic shuffling and the rustling of fabric.
action: You wait for a while
response: Time passes.
action: Smell northern door
response: You sniff the door, and Ser Leonhart tries to open it. It's locked. You remember the ring of keys on the knight's belt.
action: Smell keys
response: You sniff the keys. Ser Leonhart tries each one in the lock until, at last, it turns. He charges through the door, and you hurry in after him.

You know a few things about the bedrooms of teenage girls, but you never expected to see one here. Of particular note is a brightly lit vanity covered in wigs, ersatz jewellery and one specially large and overflowing box of makeup. An open wardrobe is full of dresses and capes and boas and heels. On the walls are posters of boy bands like 5 Seconds of Winter and Four Directions (before they broke up, naturally). The largest poster of them all is of Zifmia the Adventurer, mayhap the kingdom's most famous and subversive drag queen, clad all in leather, with her crown askew and her makeup artfully smeared.

In the centre of the room waits the wizard's son, Tristain, wearing the pinkest and fluffiest dress you have ever seen. His arms are crossed over his chest, partly to disguise his lack of a bust and partly to hold up the dress (being unable to lace the back by himself). His blonde shake-and-go wig is painfully dry, his contouring is a touch too harsh and his left eyelash is only partially glued. Despite all these flaws, you have to give him credit for producing such an effort in so little time.

Ser Leonhart, meanwhile, is starstruck. "Your Highness," he says, sinking to one knee and bowing his head. "I have heard tales of your beauty, but mere words cannot describe the magnificence of your presence. You are a vision of Lunara herself, goddess of the moon, of beauty, elopements and gin. Would you do me the honour of accompanying you home?"

"Home?" Tristain-as-Joy starts, but he immediately corrects himself. "Why home, yes, of course, Ser Knight. Give me a few minutes to pack my things. Any of my dresses left behind are likely to be tossed into the nearest fireplace by my fa—er, I mean, what did you call him again? Oh yes, the evil wizard."

"I shall not leave your side for an instant," says the knight, drawing his sword and preparing to stand guard, but Tristain ushers him towards the door.

"Be not so silly. There is no reason for you to watch me sort through my unmentionables. I shall meet you down in the foyer. Yes, that sounds like a brilliant plan, I'm so glad you thought of it. Off you go!" And before Ser Leonhart can protest, Tristain has you both (with a curious but passing glance in your direction) out the door.

On your way out, you notice Hero 5 falling and landing on the stone sill outside one of the bedroom windows. He rises to his feet and presses himself against the glass for a better view of the inside. Spotting Tristain dressed as the princess, he becomes very excited; so excited, he loses his balance and falls once more to the storey below.

Tristain closes the door, leaving you and the knight alone in the hallway.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the west. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down the western hallway. There is a bedroom to the west and a bedroom to the north.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into a cluttered and oil-stained bedroom. On the wall above a hammock hangs an aged painting. An old woman is hard at work tinkering with some kind of vending machine.

"Oh my," says the woman when Ser Leonhart enters. "You have not yet declared your intentions for courtship, and yet here you are, having stolen into my bedroom. What ever is a maiden to do?"

The knight assumes a heroic pose. "My name is Ser Leonhart, and I'm on a quest to rescue the Princess Joy."

"Of course you are," says the woman, hobbling over to him. "There is naught that warms my heart like a big, strong, intellectually-challenged hero. Come hither and play a little game for my entertainment."

Ser Leonhart shakes his head. "There is naught time for games, and I mustn't let my guard down. There is dark magick at work in these halls."

"Oh, you will find no witchcraft in my bedchambers. Puzzles are
my speciality. Here." She points at the vending machine. "All
you must do is solve the puzzle, retrieve the handbell and claim your prize." She returns to her drafting table and chews on another handful of pig treats.
action: Smell the indigo
response: You sniff the vending machine, and Ser Leonhart levels his sword at it.

"So, evil wizard, you have taken the form of this contraption to try and confuse me."

The old woman raises an eyebrow. "Uh, what are you doing?"

The knight continues. "But here I am, at last, ready to bring down the heavy fist of justice. The time has come for me to end your reign of terror!" And before the old woman can stop him, Ser Leonhart has smashed through the glass with his sword, sending cogs and axles and spiral coils all over the room.

The woman lets out a blood-curdling scream. "Look what you did, you festering buffoon! You sack of rotten potatoes! You peer-reviewed proof of reverse evolution! All that work, gone, gone, gone!" She picks up the tin of pig treats and smacks him over the head with it, over and over again, until he rushes out into the hallway. You follow close behind, not wanting to be on the sharp end of her wrath any more than he does.

Once you both are out of harm's way, she throws the tin of pig treats and the handbell at his face and slams the door shut. You can hear her sliding what's left of the vending machine in front of the door, blocking it for good.
action: You smell the pepper
response: You sniff the pepper shaker. Ser Leonhart attacks it with his sword but produces nary a scratch. You find yourself suitably impressed by the quality of modern pepper shakers.
action: You go to the north
response: Ser Leonhart follows you north to a majestic bedroom. Against the far wall is a mahogany bed, a totem of devilish creatures carved into each of the posts. In another corner is a desk covered in papers. One such paper has fallen to the floor.
action: Smell bed
response: You sniff the bed. Ser Leonhart nicks the wood in several places with his sword, but ultimately decides the wizard has not been harmed.
action: Smell the desk
response: You sniff the desk. Ser Leonhart nicks the wood in several places with his sword, but ultimately decides the wizard has not been harmed.
action: You go south
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the western hallway. There is a balcony to the east and closed door to the west. A tin of pig treats lies on its side near a wall.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: You go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the east. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Smell button
response: You sniff as high as you can reach, just below the call button. Ser Leonhart inspects it, but he cannot fathom the wizard turning into a small disk mounted on the wall.
action: Go downwards
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the first storey balcony, which curves along the far wall and turns down a hallway to the east. The lift stands ready to take you to another storey.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a stairwell to the east.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: You go to the south
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a well-lit hallway through the open door to the west.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the west is the foyer.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. A call button can summon the lift.

As you enter the foyer, Tristain (disguised as Princess Joy) exits the lift, dragging a number of stuffed suitcases with him. He collects himself, checks his makeup in a compact mirror and then notices the knight. "Yoo-hoo, hello again! You certainly did a number on the foyer. Not that I care. Anyway, I forgot I was already mostly packed for my supposed honeymoon. Shall we be off?" He drops a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and gathers his belongings for the journey ahead.

Ser Leonhart finds one knee. "Your Highness! I would follow you to the ends of the earth, but alas, I must first rescue my squire and slay the evil wizard."

"Yes, that would be a prudent course of action," replies Tristain. "Except, um, I'm sure your squire will be fine. Eaglets never become eagles without learning to fly. Also, the wizard is very adept at disguises. You shall never find him, so we might as well take our leave."

But Ser Leonhart shakes his head. "We have a secret weapon, Your Highness. I have in my service a wizard sniffer, who can follow the wizard's scent and lead us directly to him." He points at you.

Tristain inspects you over his sunglasses. Then he inspects you a little more. And then a little more. "Now, for the sake of argument, what would you do if your wizard sniffer turns out to be naught more than an ordinary pig?"

"That is entirely not possible," replies the knight. "I have the assurance of the very capitalist who sold him to me."

Tristain purses his lips. "Ah, that explains everything," he says, replacing his sunglasses. "Very well, I shall make the journey alone. I wish you the best of luck, Ser Knight, in all your—oh no, Scruffle Wuffles!" As Tristain opens the double doors, he discovers the dragon standing on the other side.

"I shall save you, princess!" shouts Ser Leonhart, and he quickly shuts the doors and bars them with his body. "I have battled this dragon before. It's a most ferocious creature. We must find another way out of the castle."

Finding a seat on top of a suitcase, Tristain rests his chin on one hand and mulls over his options. After a minute or so he comes upon an idea.

He springs to his feet and hurries over to Ser Leonhart, taking one of the knight's hands and pressing it against his own heart. "Ser Knight, my brave and chivalrous knight, we have but one chance, and only if you are brave and chivalrous enough for such a mission."

Ser Leonhart returns to his knee, his face a deep red. "There is nary a challenge too great for the protector of the princess."

Tristain titters girlishly, making a show of it. "Well, there is a potion that can return—I mean turn the dragon into a tiny, harmless dog. Think of all the peasant villages you would save from being ravaged by the beast! Robbit—I mean, a goblin is brewing the potion
in
the kitchen. Once the potion is done, it will turn pink in colour. Bring me a bottle of it, and we can be on our way. I shall wait here for your return." He sits down on a suitcase, bats his eyelashes and smiles.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover the horror is now standing behind you.

Tristain dives behind his suitcases to keep from being seen.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well a service corridor to the north.
action: You go north
response: You lead the horror into the narrow service corridor continuing to the north. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: Go north
response: The horror follows you into the large and dusty kitchen. An open doorway to the outside lies to the east. A single cauldron bubbles over an open flame, filling the room with a vile odour. Jars of assorted ingredients are gathered atop a nearby table. On the floor is an open book. Tuck is frantically stirring the contents of the cauldron, which should be enough to keep him distracted from turning around and laying eyes on the horror, so long as you avoid him.
action: You go east
response: The horror follows you to the stableyard. To the north is the barn, and to the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: Go north
response: The horror follows you into the barn where she discovers Hero 4 pacing back and forth. He stops as you enter, and after seeing the terrible visage of the horror, the walls of his sanity begin to crumble. As you have witnessed before, the horror transports him to the small cell beneath the keep, keeping a strand of hair for herself. Then she lifts three tentacles into the air, a reminder of how many heroes have been found.
action: Go south
response: The horror follows you to the stableyard. To the south is the pen. To the west is an open doorway leading to the kitchen.
action: You go west
response: The horror follows you into the large and dusty kitchen. A narrow service corridor lies to the south. A single cauldron bubbles over an open flame, filling the room with a vile odour. Jars of assorted ingredients are gathered atop a nearby table. On the floor is an open book. Tuck is frantically stirring the contents of the cauldron.
action: Go south
response: You lead the horror into the narrow service corridor continuing to the south. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: Go upward
response: The horror follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above or go west to the hallway.
action: You go to the west
response: The horror follows you down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: Go north
response: The horror follows you into an expansive library lit by an open window. On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry, bulging a bit in the middle. The remaining walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of books. A bare reading table occupies the centre of the room.
action: You examine the tapestry
response: The large tapestry depicts a demon standing on a rocky shoreline in the midst of a storm. In one hand he holds a bell; the other is outstretched, feeding a murder of crows that hovers around him. A pair of boots poke out from below the tapestry.
action: Smell boots
response: You sniff around Hero 5's feet.

The horror gently shifts the tapestry to the side to reveal the hero, and you watch as the walls of his sanity begin to crumble. As you have witnessed before, the horror transports him to the small cell beneath the keep, keeping a strand of hair for herself. Then she lifts four tentacles into the air, a reminder of how many heroes have been found.
action: Go south
response: You return to the first storey hallway, which runs from the balcony to the west to the stairwell to the east. The horror remains close behind.
action: Go west
response: You emerge from the hallway with the horror in tow onto the first storey balcony. A circular staircase only rises to the balcony above, as the descending section into the foyer has collapsed. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Smell button
response: You sniff as high as you can reach, just below the call button. The horror backs away, shaking her head.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a stairwell to the east.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you to the first storey landing. From here, you can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or the ground floor below.
action: You go south
response: The horror follows you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a well-lit hallway through the open door to the west.
action: You go to the west
response: The horror follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the west is the foyer.
action: Go west
response: The horror follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above. Not wanting to be caught by any of the castle staff, Tristain has hidden himself behind his pile of suitcases.
action: Go south
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and onto the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. The horror follows you through the doors, and the dragon soon joins the both of you.
action: Shake bell
response: You ring the bell, and a murder of crows descends from the sky. The dragon, however, quickly chases them away.
action: Go south
response: You return to the dogtower, the horror and dragon close behind. From here, you can go back north, or continue south, east or west.
action: You look at the tower
response: Hero 3 is hiding inside the dogtower above its entrance, pressing against the walls with his hands and feet to keep himself aloft.
action: Smell hero
response: You sniff the dogtower.

The horror reaches a tentacle inside and pulls the hero down to the ground. You watch as the walls of his sanity begin to crumble. She collects her last strand of hair, casting the body through to the cell with the others. After all is said and done she turns to you, lifts five tentacles in the air and claps them together.

All that is left is to complete the potion.
action: Go north
response: You squeeze through the doggy door and return to what's left of the foyer. The horror follows not long after, opening and then closing the double doors behind you. To the north is a courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
action: Go east
response: The horror follows you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well a service corridor to the north.
action: Go north
response: Robbit is waiting for you as you lead the horror into the kitchen.

"Did Petunia find the stinky heroes?" he asks. The horror claps her tentacles together excitedly and skips over to the cauldron. Leaning over the edge, she spits out the five strands of hair. Each one sinks into the brew.

Tuck, meanwhile, recoils in shock at the arrival of the horror. He flings his body under the table and curls up into a ball, rocking back and forth while holding his head.

"Done!" exclaims the clown once the mixture curdles into a bright pink soup. "Robbit makes sure this is good, yes?" He stirs the cauldron with the large spoon, and, scooping up a generous amount, he swallows it down in one gulp. A puff of smoke surrounds him, and when it clears, a goblin wearing a footman's livery appears where the clown once stood.

"Robbit is cured!" he shouts, looking himself over. He even takes a few steps to ensure his shoes have lost their squeak.

Unable to wait any longer, the horror steals the spoon from the goblin and scoops up some of the potion for herself. She is surrounded by a similar puff of smoke, and yet when this one clears, the same terrifying horror stands before you. Instead, the multitude of ribbons in her head-tentacles have vanished.

She feels up and down her head-tentacles, and finding no ribbons, she squeals in delight. She lifts up the goblin (despite his kicks and protests) and plants many kisses on his head with all of her mouths. Once satisfied with herself, the horror replaces the goblin and skips away to the south, humming merrily as she goes.

The goblin wipes the slobber off his face. He then gives Tuck a swift kick to the rear. "What is friend doing under there? Help Robbit carry the big potty up to storage." He puts on a pair of oven mitts and picks up the whole cauldron. Tuck circles round to the other side but needs only help stabilise the unwieldy vessel.

"Robbit cannot see around the bloody potty," continues the goblin. "Friend is taller, so friend can be Robbit's eyes, and Robbit shall follow. Onward!"

Tuck, unsure of where the goblin wants him to go exactly, looks over at you.
action: You go south
response: You lead Tuck and Robbit into the narrow service corridor continuing to the south. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: Go upwards
response: The goblin clicks his teeth to gain Tuck's attention. "Robbit cannot carry the potty on those stairs! Friend must make for the lift." He motions to the south.
action: You go to the south
response: Tuck and Robbit follow you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a well-lit hallway through the open door to the west.
action: Go west
response: Tuck and Robbit follow you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the west is the foyer.
action: Go west
response: Tuck and Robbit follow you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above. Tristain is hiding behind his pile of suitcases.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead your entourage inside. With the two companions in addition to the cauldron, there is not much room to spare. Next to the door is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled 'G' is already depressed.
action: Smell 2
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the button labelled '2'. Tuck presses it.

The lift stutters to life and slowly ascends before coming to a stop. You emerge onto the second storey balcony. On this level, you can follow hallways to the east or west.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead your entourage inside. Next to the door is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled '2' is already depressed.
action: Smell 3
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the button labelled '3'. Tuck presses it.

The lift stutters to life and slowly ascends before coming to a stop. You emerge with your entourage onto the highest balcony. On this level, you can go east to a hallway or up the spiral staircase to the tower.
action: Go east
response: Tuck and Robbit follow you down the third storey hallway, where a stone gargoyle has been carved into the wall. The goblin drops the cauldron, glad to be rid of the heavy weight, and puts his mouth directly inside one of the gargoyle's ears. "Schrank!" he shouts. "Wake up, Schrank!"

The gargoyle wakes with a start, shouting something in a language you fail to understand. Realising the source of the clamour is only Robbit and therefore not a threat, he yawns and stretches, smacking his lips and scratching an armpit.

"Robbit would shout not if Schrank was a lighter sleeper. Now, Robbit needs the potion closet, please and thanking you."

The gargoyle shakes his head and says something else.

Rolling his eyes, the goblin tugs three times on the tasselled cord hanging from the gargoyle's hands. "There is the code. Robbit hopes Schrank is happy now."

The gargoyle grins then opens his mouth wide, and wider, and wider, until you find yourself looking through a passage into a closet full of shelves, each shelf full of bottled potions. Robbit drags the cauldron into the closet, and using a ladle and funnel, he begins to fill up a number of empty bottles. He hands the first one to Tuck.

"Sorry! Robbit completely forgot to give friend a sippy. Friend should have said something!" He resumes filling the bottles.

Only after corking the last bottle does Robbit notice that Tuck never drank his potion. "Robbit is confused," he says, stepping out of the closet. He tugs three more times on the cord to close the gargoyle's gaping maw. "Why would friend stay a stinky hume? Robbit has the feeling that friend does not want to drink the counter potion. Robbit has the feeling that friend likes being a stinky hume. Robbit
is not sure friend is a friend at all."

Tuck backs away from the goblin's advances. "N-n-n-no, you see, Mr. Goblin, sir, I believe there may have been a little misunderstanding, in that I'm a stinky hume, er, human—well, not exactly stinky. I
mean,
I believe in good personal hygiene as much as anyone, but the journey was long and arduous and I have not a decent bath in a fortnight, and—"

The squire is interrupted by a high-pitched voice, coming from the west. "Robbit!" shouts the voice. "Robbit, you soggy lump of drain hair! Have you finished my counter potion? Or do you think I enjoy being stuck in the body of a non-denominational winter holiday elf?"

The goblin snatches the potion out of Tuck's hands. "His Lordship needs this," he sneers. "But Robbit shall be right back to finish the talking." He stomps away to the west.

Once Robbit is out of sight, Tuck turns to you. "I think we ought not be here when he returns," he whispers. "But we should tell Ser Leonhart where they keep the potions." He scratches his head. "If we can find him, that is."
action: You go west
response: You lead Tuck to the third storey balcony. Ahead of you rises a spiral staircase to the keep's highest tower. The main staircase descends to the balcony below, curving around the waiting lift.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead him inside. Next to the door on the southern wall is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled '3' is already depressed.
action: Smell g.
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the rightmost button. Tuck presses it. The lift stutters to life, slowly descending all the way to the ground.

You emerge into the foyer. You can go north to the courtyard, south through the double doors to the bailey, east to the well-lit hallway or west to the darkened hallway.

The moment Tristain sees Tuck, he forgets his disguise. His voice drops an octave. "Hi," he says.

Tuck is equally transfixed. "Hi, uh, miss," he says.

Tristain clears his throat. "Yes, miss—I mean, what an adorable pig! It seems like everyone has a pig companion these days. I hope I have not missed a trend."

"Oh, this is a wizard sniffer," replies Tuck. "Ser Leonhart and I are using him to find the evil wizard."

Tristain sashays over to you and pets you gingerly on the head. "Ah, you are a friend of Ser Knight's. His squire, perhaps? How nice it must be to share such adventures with a friend." He falls silent as he drifts away, but only for a moment. "By the way, I should mention this is not a boy-wizard sniffer, but a girl-wizard sniffer. I gather you have little experience with wizard sniffers. Or pigs, for that matter."

"No, miss. I come from a family of knights, though I must serve as squire before I am knighted. Not that I had much choice in the matter." As he speaks, Tuck looks you over with fresh information. You back up against the wall.

"I bear similar feelings," Tristain says. "My father wishes me to be like him, but... I'm not."

Tuck laughs, which catches the other off guard. "I doubt you shall become aught like your father. You are a girl!"

"A rather sublime example of one, I should think," says Tristain, not missing a beat. "Please, call me Tri—I mean, I am Princess Joy."

Tuck gasps and throws himself onto the floor. "Your Highness! My sincerest apologies, if only I knew! Squire Tuck, at your service."

"Tuck?" repeats Tristain, stifling a laugh. "I know a few things about tucks."

"Really? I'm acquainted with no other."

"Mayhap I should introduce you," says Tristain, winking, which elicits a perplexed blush from the squire, which in turn prompts Tristain to start fanning himself. He quickly changes the subject. "So, I told Ser Knight I would wait for him here, and I believe I last saw him follow your, uh, sniffer down yonder hallway for what is surely an important reason. Once he accomplishes the task given to him, we may all leave together. How does that sound?"

Tuck jumps to his feet. "Oh, I would like that very much. This is such a dreadful place."

"You know not the half of it," says Tristain with a frown.
action: You go to the west
response: Tuck follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Ser Leonhart is now standing behind you.

"Ser Knight!" calls Tristain. "You have missed your squire! He went in where you came from." He points down the darkened hallway and smiles.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Tuck is now standing behind you.

Tristain's smile flattens. He looks down the hallway, then back at Tuck. "You are not very good at this, are you?"

"Oh, I shall never succeed in this hero business!" The squire flops down on the suitcase next to Tristain, who immediately starts fanning himself.

"Be not so hard on yourself. With practice, I'm confident you shall be a great hero."

Tuck shakes his head. "I am sorry, Your Highness. I should not be bothering you with my problems while you are kidnapped."

"Nonsense," says Tristain, waving a hand. "I'm happy to listen and offer advice if I can. And take it from me, you ought to be only what your heart wants you to be."

"I, uh, know not what my heart wants me to be."

"Well, what is your greatest talent?"

Tuck thinks for a moment. "I fear I possess no talents at all."

"Ah," says Tristain. "In that case, have you considered politics?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

Tristain claps his hands together. "Splendid! Once we are free of this place, I shall help you with your burgeoning political career. Though you shall need a suitable wife to begin. All successful politicians are married, you know." He leans into Tuck, who abruptly jumps to his feet and stumbles backwards.

"Er, thank you very much, Your Highness, but, uh, I have no interest in finding a wife. Wait—I did not mean that you could not—I mean,
I'm
sure that wives are wonderful, but not for me." He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. "My apologies, Your Highness. Ser Leonhart warned me not to reveal this to anyone, as not wanting a wife is an offence to the common good. I hope to have not offended you."

Tristain looks delighted. "Offended? Young man, I'm positively enchanted. You have spoken no ills. Now, I shall wait here while you and Ser Knight sort yourselves out. He has a mission yet to complete, after all."

The two say their goodbye, which takes quite a bit longer than you would like.
action: You go to the west
response: Tuck follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Ser Leonhart is now standing behind you.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Tuck is now standing behind you.
action: Go west
response: Tuck follows you down the western hallway. There is a closed door to the west and a bedroom to the north. A tin of pig treats lies on its side near a wall.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: You take the tin
response: It's too large and unwieldy for you to carry.
action: Smell tin
response: You sniff the tin of pig treats. Tuck investigates the tin, eventually opening it and pulling out a treat.

"Is this what you want?" he asks. He places the treat on the ground in front of you. "You must be hungry."

His stomach growls. "Golly, I'm hungry too," he says. He sniffs one of treats, and finding it acceptable, he takes a small bite. Then another.

Before you know it, the entire tin is empty. He seems to have surprised himself. "Oops," he says, placing the empty tin back on the floor. "I hope you only need the one."
action: You look at the treat
response: It smells delicious, and powerfully so. You feel like you can smell it all the way across the room.
action: You go east
response: Tuck follows you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the east. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below, curving around the waiting lift.
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift, and after Tuck opens the door, you lead him inside. Next to the door on the southern wall is a horizontal row of buttons, labelled '3', '2', '1' and 'G' from left to right. The button labelled '2' is already depressed.
action: Smell g.
response: You stand on your hind legs and sniff as high as you can reach, just below the rightmost button. Tuck presses it. The lift stutters to life, slowly descending all the way to the ground.

You emerge into the foyer. You can go north to the courtyard, south through the double doors to the bailey, east to the well-lit hallway or west to the darkened hallway.
action: You go west
response: Tuck follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, and this time, upon emerging back into the foyer, you discover Ser Leonhart, Tuck and the other pig marching along behind you. The pig snatches the treat from your mouth and charges through the doggy door, out of sight.

The knight blinks. "Two pigs? The wizard plotted to separate us this whole time! I was starting to wonder why my exploration of the keep was interspersed with long periods of doing naught in a dark hallway."

"I was under the impression the sniffer needed to nap frequently," says Tuck, yawning, "which is an appealing prospect."

Ser Leonhart poses like he could conquer the world. "We must first complete our mission. There is no rest for the wicked, thus we have not the luxury."
action: Smell lift
response: You sniff the lift.

"What is it?" asks Tuck, but Ser Leonhart presses a finger to his squire's lips.

"The loo," replies the knight in a hushed tone.

"Oh," says Tuck. "But why are we whispering?"

Ser Leonhart points at the lift. "The evil wizard is inside." He raises his sword, counts to three on his fingers, then throws open the door, only to find it completely empty. The knight is dumbfounded and almost offended. "Why, there is naught inside at all! Ah, here it is." He picks up the pail in the foyer. "A good thing too. I have held this in since the foot of the mountain."

Ser Leonhart places the pail in the centre of the lift, takes several minutes to conduct his business and then returns without the pail. "Now, where were we?" he asks.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well a service corridor to the north.
action: Go north
response: You lead Ser Leonhart and Tuck into the narrow service corridor continuing to the north. A set of servants' stairs twists around a wall and disappears above you.
action: Go up
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue up to the storey above or go west to the hallway.
action: Go up
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey landing. You can continue up to the storey above or head west to the hallway.
action: Go upwards
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the third storey landing. You can head west to the hallway.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: Smell gargoyle
response: You sniff the gargoyle.

"The wizard is disguising himself as this stone creature!" cries Ser Leonhart, but Tuck places himself between the knight and the gargoyle.

"No, milord! He is a friendly gargoyle!"

The gargoyle holds up his tiny arms, as if to say his arms lack the length to hurt anybody.

"There stands a closet of potions behind him," continues Tuck. "We need to make use of that cord." He points at the tasselled cord hanging limply from the gargoyle's hand.

"Sometimes, Tuck, I wonder what I would do without you." And before his squire can stop him, the knight cuts down the cord with his blade. He hands the thing to Tuck. "There you are. I leave it to you."

Tuck's lower lip trembles. "I... I no longer know what to do." He stuffs the severed cord into his doublet.

"Ah, worry not, my forgetful follower," says Ser Leonhart. "We shall find another way." He gives his squire a comforting slap on the back, though from the change in Tuck's expression, it failed to be comforting at all.

The gargoyle, meanwhile, is none too pleased with the loss of his cord. He crosses his arms and glares at the three of you.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the third storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey below.
action: You go downward
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey landing. You can continue down to the storey below or go west to the hallway.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the west. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the western hallway. There is a closed door to the west and a bedroom to the north. A tin of pig treats lies on its side near a wall.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: You take the pepper
response: You already hold something in your mouth.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the east. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a stairwell to the east. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or below.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a closed door to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Northern
response: You sniff the door, and Ser Leonhart opens it.
action: Go north
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you into Tristain's bedroom, lit from a large window overlooking the courtyard. Beside a four-post bed with a princess canopy is a vanity covered in wigs, ersatz jewellery and one overflowing box of makeup. An open wardrobe is full of dresses and capes and boas and heels. On the walls are posters of boy bands, though the largest poster is of Zifmia the Adventurer.
action: You look at the poster
response: Which do you mean, the poster of 5 Seconds of Winter, the poster of Four Directions or the poster of Zifmia the Adventurer?
action: Zifmia
response: There she is, as fierce as ever. She is clad all in leather, her crown askew and her makeup artfully smeared.
action: You examine Winter
response: It's the same picture as their iconic cover for Tumbling Rock magazine. The boys are naked, covering themselves with merely their hands, with short phrases and doodles drawn all over them. You cannot call yourself a fan of their music, but at least they are pleasing to look at.
action: You examine four
response: This is a more candid picture of the boys when they were still together. Since the breakup, East's solo career has not been as successful as he (or his fans) had hoped for, though it's early yet. The rest of the group is trying to continue on as Three Directions, but the name lacks the same ring it once had.
action: You examine the bed
response: You have a similar one in your bedroom.
action: You examine the wigs
response: You suppose Tristain must work with the tools he has. If you find a way out of this alive, you might give him some of yours. At least he'd appreciate the items more than you would by keeping them.
action: Look around
response: You are in Tristain's bedroom, lit from a large window overlooking the courtyard. Beside a four-post bed with a princess canopy is a vanity covered in wigs, ersatz jewellery and one overflowing box of makeup. An open wardrobe is full of dresses and capes and boas and heels. On the walls are posters of boy bands, though the largest poster is of Zifmia the Adventurer. Tuck and Ser Leonhart wait nearby.
action: You look at the vanity
response: It is fairly worn. Tristain must oft make use of it.
action: You examine the wardrobe
response: It's quite large, which is for the best, as Tristain's collection of looks is also large.
action: You look at the window
response: The large window overlooks the courtyard.
action: Go south
response: You return to the eastern hallway, which runs from the balcony to the west to the stairwell to the east. Ser Leonhart and Tuck remain close behind. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey above or below.
action: Go upwards
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the third storey landing. You can head west to the hallway.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: You shake the pepper
response: You shake the pepper shaker. A cloud of pepper expands and hovers briefly, tickling the nostrils of anyone in its vicinity.

You sneeze (but hold onto the shaker). Ser Leonhart sneezes. Tuck sneezes. The gargoyle sneezes, and he spits out a bottle of counter potion, which Ser Leonhart deftly plucks from the air.

"A pink potion! This must be what the princess is looking for," says the knight, and he adds the potion to the collection of items on his belt.
action: You go to the west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a bedroom to the north and a balcony to the west. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey balcony. Another hallway leads to the west. A circular staircase reaches the balconies above and below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: You go to the west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the western hallway. There is a closed door to the west and a bedroom to the north. A tin of pig treats lies on its side near a wall.

You can see a handbell here.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a bedroom to the north and a stairwell to the east. A memorandum has been nailed to the northern door.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: Go west
response: You lead Ser Leonhart and Tuck to the third storey balcony. Ahead of you rises a spiral staircase to the keep's highest tower. The main staircase descends to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the top of the spiral staircase. To the north is a closed door. You can hear sparks and zaps and other magickal noises coming from inside.
action: Smell door
response: You sniff the door. Ser Leonhart tries to open it, but it is locked.
action: Smell keys
response: You sniff the keys, and Ser Leonhart tries each one in the door. Not one manages to open it. This one might actually be sealed by magick.
action: Descend
response: You lead Ser Leonhart and Tuck away from the cramped stone stairway and return to the third storey balcony. A hallway extends to the east, while the main staircase descends to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: You go to the east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a stairwell to the east.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: Go east
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the third storey landing. You can take the servants' stairs to the storey below.
action: You go downward
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the second storey landing. You can continue down to the storey below or go west to the hallway.
action: You descend
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the first storey landing. From here, you can continue down to ground floor or go west to the hallway.
action: Go south
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to the receiving room. There are rooms to the east and south, as well as a well-lit hallway through the open door to the west.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the west is the foyer.
action: Go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the closed double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above. Tristain sits atop one of his suitcases, looking rather bored.

"Your Highness, I have the potion," says Ser Leonhart. When he pulls the potion from his belt, the flyer falls onto the floor.

Tristain picks it up and looks it over. His cheery expression lasts not long. "Ten million doubloons! He said the wedding was in my best interest, but... he is marrying me off for the money."

"The royal dowry has long been a tradition for finding the next king when there are no male heirs," says Ser Leonhart. "Certainly Your Highness would know the law."

"Yes... of course." Tristain smooths out the flyer with his fingers. "I am sorry. I shall be in my room." He gathers his gown and rushes down the hallway to the east.
action: You examine the suitcase
response: There are so many of them. You wonder if Tristain packs for both genders.
action: You go west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the hallway. There is a bedroom to the north and a balcony to the west. You notice the memorandum is no longer nailed to the northern door.
action: You go north
response: You lead the knight and his squire into the young master's bedroom. Tristain is seated on the edge of his bed, bent low over the wrinkled flyer in one hand and the memo torn from his door in the other. A few tears fall onto the papers.

"Your Highness... are you unwell?" asks Ser Leonhart.

Tristain wipes his eyes, smearing mascara across his cheek. "You know, you try not to think badly of a parent. You might pray they are confused, or stubborn, or will come around. Or you might run away for a little while to create some distance, and hope that upon your return they will listen to you in earnest. But realising your parent may simply not be a good person... I know not how to describe the feeling. I suppose it was obvious in hindsight, especially with how often we fought, but the pill is bitter and difficult to swallow. Not to mention, the poor girl." He looks up. "I swear, I knew naught of his plan to drug her with love potion. I overheard him saying she managed an escape after stealing an invisibility potion, but I cannot remember the potion I switched it with. I can only pray it aided in her escape."

"I'm afraid I have not the slightest idea what you are talking about," says Ser Leonhart, and Tristain rises to his feet.

"No, I suppose not. My father made his choices, and choices have consequences. The door to the workshop will be sealed with a hex, but I can find the counter spell for you. Meet me in the library when you can." He hurries away to the south.
action: You go south
response: You return to the eastern hallway, which runs from the balcony to the west to the stairwell to the east. Ser Leonhart and Tuck remain close behind.
action: You go to the west
response: Ser Leonhart and Tuck follow you down the first storey hallway. There is a library to the north and a balcony to the west.
action: Go north
response: You find Tristain in the library poring over old books. He calls Ser Leonhart and Tuck over to him.

"I have found it! You must say 'Open or I shall use you for firewood,' and the door to the tower will open. I realise it is not the best way to secure a location, but witchcraft has its flaws."

"I think you mean wizardry," says Ser Leonhart.

"No, I mean witchcraft."

Tuck has been having his own thoughts on the matter. He holds up a finger. "Milord, I have noticed the wizard is rather reliant on potions and, well, judging from what has been seen and heard so far, I think the wizard is not a wizard. I think the wizard is a witch."

Ser Leonhart blinks. "You mean, we seek the Evil Witch Queklain? But... he is a man." Slowly, the knight drags himself to a conclusion, and his lips begin to tremble. He claps a hand over his mouth, but it does no good, for he soon doubles over in laughter. "Queklain, a witch! How ridiculous! Is he going to chase us on a broomstick? Does he wear a pointy hat?"

"I believe wizards also wear pointy hats..." says Tuck, unsure of the purpose of his master's insults.

[Press any key to continue.]Tristain, unable to restrain
himself, marches over to the knight and slaps him across the face. "Your tongue is in need of discipline. There may be plenty of reasons to disparage him, but a feminine profession is not one of them."

"But Your Highness..." says the knight.

"Oh, for the gods' sakes, I'm not the princess. I'm Tristain, son of Queklain." Tristain pulls off his wig to reveal a head of greasy, short black hair. "Do what you came here to do, before I change my mind and warn my father of your presence."

After a moment of stunned silence, Ser Leonhart draws his sword. "I understand now. You are also a witch, and you used your dark powers to bewitch me into believing you were the princess."

Tristain raises his hands in surrender. "That was not the way of it. I merely—"

"Enough! Tell me, where is the princess? Where are you keeping her?"

"She is not in my care. I know not where she is," says Tristain. He backs slowly into a bookshelf.

With fists clenched tightly by his side, Tuck steps in front of the knight's raised sword. He lifts his head high. "Let him be," he says. "H-he has wronged neither of us."

Ser Leonhart halts before his squire. "Tuck? Have you taken leave of your senses?"

"I-I no longer know what is sense, milord. All this time, I followed your lead as it is what squires do. But at once it occurred to me, how would I know if what you say is right? Because this feels far from right. I think... I shall be thinking more for myself from now on."

"Your journey to knighthood, nay, to manhood is only beginning," says Ser Leonhart. He finds a pose demonstrating the most confidence. "A hero always does what is right. And that whoreson over there—" he points accusingly at Tristain "—is deceitful in words and in dress, and his wickedness has cost the true princess valuable time. Justice must be served."

"Yes, he spoke falsehoods, but should we open our ears and listen, we may find reason in them. We must not pass judgement so quickly," Tuck pleads.

The knight's eyes soften, and for a moment, you can see the classic struggle between empathy and belief within them. Alas, belief, for those who possess it, is known for being the stronger of the two. Ser Leonhart shakes his head to throw the obtrusive thoughts away. "Your words are a gentle breeze, unable to bring down the sturdy stone wall of tradition. It is with a heavy heart that I release you from my service and brand you a traitor to the crown. Prepare yourself!"

He at once lunges at his former squire, who narrowly avoids the blade and ducks under the table. The sword lodges itself in the wood, and placing one foot against the side of the table, Ser Leonhart removes the weapon.

Tuck, meanwhile, scrambles out the opposite side. Firmly practised in the art of retreat, he runs around the table in circles, and Ser Leonhart gives chase.
action: You go north
response: You head into an expansive library lit by an open window. On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry. The remaining walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of books. Tuck is doing his best to escape the Ser Leonhart's blade. Tristain watches, gripped by fear and unsure of what to do.
action: Shake bell
response: You ring the bell, and a murder of crows descends through the open window. They attack Ser Leonhart and his shiny platemail, distracting him long enough for Tuck to throw himself at the knight's legs. They both somersault to the ground.

Left alone by the crows, Tristain presses the pointed end of one of his heels against the knight's neck. "Drop your sword," he commands.

Ser Leonhart's lips tighten, but he does as he is told. Tuck grabs the sword and takes a few steps backwards, pulling Tristain with him. They watch the knight carefully as he returns to his feet and chases the crows away with flailing arms.

"Give me back my sword," says Ser Leonhart once the last of the crows has fled. "You are untrained and more apt to hurt yourself than I."

"Promise you will leave us in peace," says Tuck. "Your quarrel is with Queklain, and you are indebted to me for all of those times I saved you from death." You are not sure where the steady and confident voice came from, but you are glad Tuck discovered it when he did.

Ser Leonhart considers his former squire's words. "Very well. Return my sword to me, and I swear on my honour and the wrath of the gods that I shall harm neither you nor the witch's child this foul day."

Tristain puts a cautionary hand on the sword, but Tuck nods at him as if to say the knight is a man of his word. He clumsily tosses the sword at the knight's feet.

"Goodbye, my defiant defector," says Ser Leonhart, "for I am off to slay the wizard—I mean witch. May the gods have mercy on your soul." Without another word, the knight retrieves his sword and departs to the south.

Tuck spins round. "Are you unharmed?"

Tristain immediately throws his arms around Tuck and plants a kiss on his lips, but when Tuck pulls away, the young lord covers his face with his hands in shame. "My apologies! I... I misread the situation. I only hoped to show you gratitude for saving my life, and you had said earlier that—oh, never mind. I truly am sorry."

Tuck shakes his head to put the other at ease. "Please, fret not over this," he says, then he lowers his voice. "Sometimes I worry Cupido sings not for me. But..." He gathers his courage, the courage of a different sort than when facing an enemy on a battlefield. He holds out his hand. "Let us first be friends, if you would have me."

"Of course!" cries Tristain. His eyes shine as he grips the other's hand. "A friend! Yes, as a matter of fact, I would like that very much." He pauses. "And how does one go about being your friend?"

"Well," says Tuck, "I believe we ought to start by learning about one another."

Coming to an agreement on the best way to proceed, they find a seat by the window and do precisely that.
action: Go north
response: You proceed into an expansive library lit by an open window. On the southern wall beside the sole entrance hangs a great tapestry. The remaining walls are lined with shelves upon shelves of books. Tristain and Tuck are engaged in conversation by the window.

You can see a handbell here.
action: You look at Tuck
response: Tuck is conversing with Tristain by the window.
action: Go upwards
response: You make your way up the stairs to the second storey landing. You can continue up to the storey above or head west to the hallway.
action: You go upward
response: You climb the stairs to the third storey landing. You can head west to the hallway.
action: Go west
response: You proceed down the third storey hallway. There is a stone gargoyle carved into the wall to the north and a balcony to the west.

You can see a pepper shaker here.
action: Go west
response: You leave the hallway and head onto the third storey balcony. Ahead of you rises a spiral staircase to the keep's highest tower. The main staircase descends to the balcony below. A call button can summon the lift.
action: Go west
response: You head up the stairs to the top of the spiral staircase. To the north is an open door into the tower.
action: Go north
response: You slip into Queklain's workshop within the keep's highest tower. Light seeps in through narrow slitted windows, spreading thin rectangles of light across the rough stone floor. On the far side of the room, a cauldron bubbles between shelves of ingredients, bottled potions and one particularly ratty broomstick.

There, beside the cauldron, stands the evil witch himself. Robbit peers out from behind the witch's robes. In the centre of the room, Ser Leonhart is poised to attack.

"Evil One!" shouts the knight. "My name is Ser Leonhart. Remember it well, for it is a name that will live on for centuries in the stories that tell of your demise. Step away from the cauldron, for we shall duel man to man."

Queklain lets out a booming laugh. He reaches up and takes a bottle of potion off the shelf. "Are you here to challenge me? The great and powerful wizard Queklain? I accept your duel, but rather than fight man against man, might we try something a little more fun? Such as man against dragon..."

He trails off as he remembers something. "Shoot. Which potion was switched with the dragon potion again?" He searches the shelf for a different bottle, but unable to find it, he turns back to the knight. "We shall duel, Ser Whatever, but you must give me a few minutes, and also a strand of your hair."

Ser Leonhart raises his shield. "I will not fall prey to your tricks. Prepare to meet the heavy fist of justice!"

As the knight readies his charge, Heroes 1 through 5 burst into the tower, each soaking wet and holding a random household object as a weapon (except for Hero 1, who still has his guitar). They shout things like "I'm here to rescue the princess!" and "No, I'm
here to rescue the princess!" and "Oh look, I see Georgie! Hi Georgie!" and "Apologies we did not realise the cell door was open sooner!" Spotting Queklain, they close in for the attack. "Look, the evil wizard! We shall finish him!"

As if things had not become confusing enough, an ogre chooses that moment to barge into the tower, carrying the goblin engineer over his shoulder. He is followed by a sweaty cyclops and a salty medusa.

"Measter, we dinna fin the princess, but lek who a' fin runnin' awee! She sed some 'eroes burna the keep and—" Upon seeing the collection
of
heroes in front of him, the ogre stops mid-sentence and throws Rhoda to the ground. "Argh! I 'ate 'eroes!" The monsters pull out their weapons.

For the briefest of moments, the room is still. Then, the floodgates open. Punches are thrown. Weapons clash. Circles are run. Cries for help are lost in the shouting and the noise. The cauldron is tipped over, spilling the half-brewed love potion all over the stone floor. Shelves come crashing down, smashing bottles of potion left and right. Somehow, the door is closed. The fates seem to enjoy spitting on you.

Then again, perhaps not. You watch six bottles of blue potion, still intact, skitter across the floor and come to a stop in front of you. They are labelled Dragon, Clown, Ribbons, Elf, Flea and Pig. A seventh bottle, a pink counter potion, slides next to the other six, having freed itself from Ser Leonhart's belt in the chaos.

You consider your options.
action: You look at the Dragon
response: A blue potion labelled Dragon.
action: You examine the Clown
response: A blue potion labelled Clown.
action: You examine the Ribbons
response: A blue potion labelled Ribbons.
action: You examine elf
response: A blue potion labelled Elf.
action: You examine pig potion
response: A blue potion labelled Pig.
action: You drink the pink
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. You are surrounded by a puff of smoke, and when it clears, you have returned to human form.

"Finally," you blurt out in relief, but not so loudly as to draw attention to yourself. Fortunately, the heroes and monsters in the tower are too distracted by the brawl to notice.

"Finally is right!" shouts a flea, and the two of them leap off your face into the open bottle of counter potion. There appears another puff of smoke, and you discover two gnomes in blue coats and pointy red hats standing in front of you.

"Many thanks for your assistance," says one gnome.

"Yes, thank you," says the other. And with that, they both run into the fray, immediately offering conflicting advice to the first hero they meet.

As quietly as you can, you open the door and slip out onto the tower stairs (grabbing the remaining counter potion on the way, for Scruffle Wuffles).

[Press any key to continue.]You detour into Tristain's room
to borrow one of his more understated dresses (a rare find, to be sure), then proceed on to the library. Tuck and Tristain are resting beneath the open window.

"Ahem." Even the slightest noise startles the boys out of their close conversation.

"Who are you?" asks Tuck.

Tristain (who had visited you during your previous capture and promised to help you escape) needs not ask. He springs to his feet and envelops you in a hug, warm and genuine in a way you are not used to. You return the kind gesture.

"I'm so glad you are well! Oh, how I feared for your safety," says Tristain once he separates. "And for the record, you wear that dress better than I ever could."

"Nonsense. You have the body for it," you reply.

"Flattery will gain you everything," says Tristain, fanning himself.

You smile. "We should be going. Neither of you will want to be here when Corporation Incorporated arrives with their army."

"The debt collectors? Oh gods, our situation really is worse than father let on. If only..." His eyes are misty again. "No, it's best we parted ways."

You take his hand in yours. "Let him worry you no more," you say. "He would never let your future be your own. It seems we have this much in common. In any event, I happen to be quill-friends with someone named Zifmia the Adventurer. You might know of her, and I hear she is always on the hunt for new talent."

Tristain's face shines like the sun. He turns proudly to Tuck. "Ah, allow me to introduce the real Princess Joy."

Tuck leaps to one knee, but you shake your head and help him rise to his feet. "I hear Princess Joy died tragically somewhere on the mountain," you say. "A shame the king no longer has anyone to marry off. Mayhap all those screaming for democracy can finally have their way. In the meantime, I shall have to come up with a new name."

"Oh, but that is the fun part," says Tristain. He clears his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Miss Ima Runaway!"

You giggle. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Miss Tilda Swineton!" Tristain's eyes widen as he realizes the meaning behind your pun, and you discreetly put a finger to your lips.

"Golly," says Tuck. "Hmmm... Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Miss Notta Princess!"

Tristain blinks. "That was... a decent first attempt," he lies. Tuck shoves the other in a playful manner, and in no time they are wrestling.

You give them their space and move to the window. The sky has cleared, and the sun dips into the west. Traces of pink and purple radiate from behind the keep's outer curtain. You spent a lifetime staring at sunsets over castle walls, but after tonight, walls hold you no longer. Somewhere out there, the world waits to embrace you, and for the first time in your life, you think of the future and smile.
action: Drink dragon
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. New smells come into focus. You feel your olfactory senses becoming sharper. If you had this potion hours ago, you might have actually passed for a wizard sniffer.
action: Smell
response: (the Flea potion)
You sniff the potion.
action: Drink clown
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle, but nothing happens. The flavour is both sweet and tangy. You think this must be a bottle of ordinary blueberry juice.
action: Drink ribbon
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. Your feet lift off the floor, and you float up towards the ceiling.

"Look!" shouts Hero 2. "Pigs fly! I'm the leader! Heroes, let's—"
His
first command as leader is lost as the cyclops lands on top of him.

Flying is initially difficult, but you eventually manage to paddle your way back to the floor where the potions are waiting.
action: Drink elf
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. The world seems to slow around you. You feel as though your actions would proceed much more quickly.
action: You drink the Flea
response: (the Flea potion)
You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. A wave of honesty passes over you. If you were asked a question, you could not avoid telling the truth (though as an ordinary pig, nobody would understand you).
action: You drink pig
response: (the Pig potion)
You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. Your body fades from view.
action: You drink the pink
response: You remove the cork with your teeth and take a sip from the bottle. Your invisibility leaves you.
action: You continue
response: You take a sip from the bottle. You feel as though you can lie again.
action: Keep going
response: You take a sip from the bottle. The world speeds up around you.
action: You continue
response: You take a sip from the bottle. Gravity pulls you back to the floor as you lose your ability to fly.
action: Continue
response: You take a sip from the bottle. Your heightened sense of smell fades away.
action: You keep going
response: You take a sip from the bottle. You are surrounded by a puff of smoke, and when it clears, you have returned to human form.

"Finally," you blurt out in relief, but not so loudly as to draw attention to yourself. Fortunately, the heroes and monsters in the tower are too distracted by the brawl to notice.

"Finally is right!" shouts a flea, and the two of them leap off your face into the open bottle of counter potion. There appears another puff of smoke, and you discover two gnomes in blue coats and pointy red hats standing in front of you.

"Many thanks for your assistance," says one gnome.

"Yes, thank you," says the other. And with that, they both run into the fray, immediately offering conflicting advice to the first hero they meet.

As quietly as you can, you open the door and slip out onto the tower stairs (grabbing the remaining counter potion on the way, for Scruffle Wuffles).

[Press any key to continue.]