Far-Out Space Freaks
by J. Robinson Wheeler (2016)
Genres: Space
Comedy

You're lost in space, and everything's gone wrong... just as it usually does. This was written for the 18th Anniversary Speed-IF. The parameters were:"fly a ship and land it in multiple places (planets, asteroids, stations), giant space monster, shape-changing alien, alien infiltrator, no legitimate crew, wormhole, solar flares as a danger, zero gravity, a mysteriously brooding character, weird space combat, getting drunk/high in space, male sexy green alien, instant cloning machine, ray gun, space pizza delivery, and Christopher Walken."

action: %
response: 0/1

ALERT! ... ALERT! ... ALERT! ...

Alarms are blaring and blazing in the thin, hissing atmosphere of the space cruiser's central column. You can barely get your wits about you with only the strobing red alert light casting angular shadows with each pulse.

One particular angular shadow looks like the outline of a docking handle.
action: You grab the handle
response: You manage to snag a secure grip on the handle, and suddenly you can tell up from down again. Engineering is down, and the bridge is up.

A strange green movement flashes by as you glance bridgeward.
action: Go upward
response: The bridge is a chaotic turmoil of viewscreens overloading with warning messages and a full portal view of nightmarish solar flares, barely dimmed by filters and polarization. Sparks pop out of consoles and bits of debris float like macro dust motes in a violent sunbeam.

Only the helm station appears to be undamaged. Sitting at the helm is a mysterious brooding character.

You can also see a mysterious brooding character here.

The solar flare pulsates on the viewer. It appears the mysterious character is using it to create a wormhole. You can tell because she cackles and says, "Yes! The wormhole has been created by the solar flares, modulated through the shield deflector array's graviton element!"
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying nothing.

"You are no legitimate crew member!" you cry, aiming an accusatory finger with awkward, zero-G inaccuracy.

"Hah!" she screeches. "Prepare for weird space combat!"
action: You examine the character
response: The mysterious brooding character is some sort of shape-shifter. She looks like an exotic female vid star you once saw on Rigel-9, but after you blink twice, she looks more like some sort of plantlike Triffid.

"Forget to bring a weapon?" she taunts you.
"Weapon?" you say dumbly.

"This will be easier than I thought. Prepare to die weirdly!"
action: You hit the character
response: Violence is a great idea. But what means?

Vinelike tentacles seize you, crush you flat, shoot you with a ray gun, and --
action: Kiss character
response: Keep your mind on the game.

Vinelike tentacles seize you, crush you flat, shoot you with a ray gun, and --
action: Inventory
response: You are carrying nothing.

Vinelike tentacles seize you, crush you flat, shoot you with a ray gun, and --
action: You grab the handle
response: You manage to snag a secure grip on the handle, and suddenly you can tell up from down again. Engineering is down, and the bridge is up.

A strange green movement flashes by as you glance bridgeward.
action: You go downwards
response: The engineering section is a small semi-circular capsule that houses the primary controls for lighting, life support, engine status, artificial gravity, and other vital functions on the ship. Each is controlled by a separate panel.

Floating in the engineering capsule is a Zapp-O-Maxx ray gun.
action: You take the gun
response: Taken.
action: You examine the gun
response: It's not one you recognize. Perhaps some saboteur left it behind. Its power is almost completely discharged.
action: You examine the panel
response: Which do you mean, the lighting controls panel, the life support control panel, the artificial gravity control panel, the vital functions controls panel or the engine status controls panel?
action: You examine the vital panel
response: The vital functions controls look like they've been blasted by a ray gun. There's no repairing them.
action: You examine the engine panel
response: The only undamaged panel seems to be the engine status controls. The lights are white and green, and a display reads, "Nominal." Whatever else, if the helm controls are working, you should be able to pilot and even land the ship even in this damaged condition.
action: You go up
response: You kick hard and sail all the the way up through the central column to the bridge.

The bridge is a chaotic turmoil of viewscreens overloading with warning messages and a full portal view of nightmarish solar flares, barely dimmed by filters and polarization. Sparks pop out of consoles and bits of debris float like macro dust motes in a violent sunbeam.

Only the helm station appears to be undamaged. Sitting at the helm is a mysterious brooding character.

You can also see a mysterious brooding character here.

The solar flare pulsates on the viewer. It appears the mysterious character is using it to create a wormhole. You can tell because she cackles and says, "Yes! The wormhole has been created by the solar flares, modulated through the shield deflector array's graviton element!"
action: You shoot character
response: You shoot at the mysterious brooding character with the ray gun! Bzattt! Blam! Blam! Two misses and a hit is as good as anything! "ARRGH!" it cries. "What's weird is how straightforward that was."

The shape-shifting alien saboteur is vaporized!
action: You look at the helm
response: Looks like you can either push the purple button and go through the wormhole, or the blue button and get the hell out of here and back to your home planet.
action: You shoot yourself
response: You shoot yourself with the ray gun! Bzattt!
action: You shoot helm
response: You shoot the helm station with the ray gun! Bzattt!
action: You describe your surroundings
response: The bridge is a chaotic turmoil of viewscreens overloading with warning messages and a full portal view of nightmarish solar flares, barely dimmed by filters and polarization. Sparks pop out of consoles and bits of debris float like macro dust motes in a violent sunbeam.

Only the helm station appears to be undamaged.
action: You examine wormhole
response: The wormhole is pulsating with a rainbow of sickly colors, swirling in the solar tidal currents.
action: You shoot the wormhole
response: You shoot the wormhole with the ray gun! Bzattt!
action: Examine ray
response: It's not one you recognize. Perhaps some saboteur left it behind. Its power is almost completely discharged.
action: Y.
response: debugcheapnitfol quit with exit status: 0
action: %
response: The intercom crackles to life: "Starbase EZ-99 to Centennial Crow... your mission, should you choose to accept it, which we trust you will since otherwise you and your crew will be out of a job... is to deliver PZ-12 to Earth... in the year 1990... Failure is not an option."

The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: About you
response: You are Anne Walken, Emergencies Specialist, assigned to the spacecraft Centennial Crow for a period of up to (and potentially including) five years, plus time dilation. So far, the only emergency requiring your expertise was when there was that nasty toilet paper shortage, and that was nine months ago. It is fairly safe to say that you are a wee bit bored. Your previous job was much more exciting, since (among other things) it involved fighting off giant space monsters, dealing with spaceship crews going on strike (all you needed to use was an instant cloning machine, it turned out), and other suchlike things.

The captain yawns. "I can't seem to stay awake, Walken. And this is one tricky maneuver to make... Steering a ship between an exploding star and a supermassive black hole ain't a piece of cake."
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
a ray gun

The captain looks like he can barely steer the ship with his brainwaves. Not that his brainwaves were much to talk about, in the first place..
action: You examine hologram
response: The hologram's artificial intelligence is somewhat artificial. Hence it is somewhat appropriate that he looks like a bodybuilder. In order to address issues of extraterrestrial discrimination, it was decided that he should have green skin.

The captain yawns. "Walken, get me some coffee. That'll be helpful."
action: Aft
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.
action: Starboard
response: This is the only part of the spaceship where you have any likelihood of finding coffee.

You cannot resist groaning under your breath as you see Engineer Blartswoggle stuffing himself like a pig, one hand clutching a cup of steaming coffee.

The drink dispenser fills up half the room with its staggering presence.
action: You examine the dispenser
response: It's very simple to use, being made up of just one big red button. According to the instruction manual: ""The Megaslurp Psionic Rehydrator reads your mind waves and produces the approriate drink accordingly."
action: You ask the Engineer about the coffee
response: Engineer Blartswoggle turns his head slowly towards you. You suddenly notice that there are tentacles sticking out of his hair!
action: You ask the Engineer for the coffee
response: Engineer Blartswoggle has better things to do.
action: You drink alcohol
response: You drink it down in one gulp, feeling it burn the sides of your throat. After the smoke subsides, you begin to see the world differently.
action: You take the coffee
response: That seems to belong to Engineer Blartswoggle.
action: You hit Engineer
response: Bare-knuckle fighting is so 21th century. This is the future! We use ray guns now!
action: You shoot engineer
response: You draw your ray gun on the Engineer. "Don't shoot me!" he cries. "Here, take my coffee and give it to the Captain!"
action: You take the coffee
response: You already have that.
action: Port
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.
action: Forward
response: The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: You give the coffee to Captain
response: "Thanks a lot, Walken," the captain says gratefully. He takes one gulp and spits it out: "Bleurgh! It tastes of alien drool! There are ALIENS on this spaceship! Walken, go and get rid of them! Go!"
action: You shoot engineer
response: You draw your ray gun on the Engineer, and fire off several shots in his direction. In spite of his remarkable corpulence, he dodges easily.
action: Port
response: This is basically a bunch of bunkbeds. No privacy, no luxury, no soap.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, you recognize none other than Lieutenant Hatwonsky, famed for his ability to shoot three aliens with one shoot of his plasma rifle. Oddly enough, the rest of the crew appear to have mysteriously vanished.
action: Aft
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

Upon a round, metal table, trapped inside a glistening stasis field, is the reason behind this dangerous mission through space and time... a great, whopping big pizza!
action: You look at the pizza
response: This is not just any ordinary pizza. It has been specially designed for one special person, based on a detailed study of their genetic makeup. And, of course, the flavour is said to be beyond heavenly: perfect crust, delicious tomato sauce, mozzarella that melts in your mouth...
action: You open hatch
response: You open the hatch, and get sucked out through the airlock. Shortly afterwards, you are both frozen, carbonized and disintegrated alive.
action: You ask Captain about the alien
response: The Captain interrupst you rudely. "Walken, don't you think you should be fetching me some coffee?"
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a bottle of alcohol
a ray gun
action: Go west
response: This is the only part of the spaceship where you have any likelihood of finding coffee.

You cannot resist groaning under your breath as you see Engineer Blartswoggle stuffing himself like a pig, one hand clutching a cup of steaming coffee.

The drink dispenser fills up half the room with its staggering presence.
action: You shoot lieutenant
response: You draw your ray gun, but the Lieutenant is too fast for you. He transforms into a great slobbering fanged slugbeast and devours you alive!
action: You ask Lieutenant about the crew
response: "What the hell's happened to the other guys, Hatwonsky?" you ask.

The Lieutenant only smiles in a sinister fashion, revealing some very pointy teeth in the process.
action: You shoot yourself
response: Wrong target.
action: You eat the pizza
response: You gobble it up. Shortly afterwards, you are mysteriously erased from history.
action: You check what you're carrying
response: You are carrying:
a pizza
a bottle of alcohol
a ray gun
action: East
response: Lieutenant Hatwonsky has better things to do.
action: You examine Tube
response: The only part which you can reasonably meddle with is the control panel.
action: You examine the panel
response: There are three large square buttons, one red, one green and one blue. Convenient enough, unless you happen to be colour-blind.
action: Look around
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

Engineer Blartswoggle is standing here, staring at the Tube and looking foolish. The tentacles in his hair are standing upright.

Lieutenant Hatwonsky is standing here, also staring at the Tube. His teeth are most prominent.
action: You shoot engineer
response: You fire off a shot, but Newton's Third Law is your downfall. As Blartswoggle's head is blasted off, you are sent flying backwards into Hatwonsky's slavering jaws.
action: You shoot lieutenant
response: You fire off a shot, counting on your knowledge of Newton's Third Law to save you. As Hatwonsky's head is blasted off, you are sent flying backwards into  Blartswoggle. The force of the impact disintegrates him into a million little alien slugs, which immediately decide that the Centennial Crow is no place for their kind.
action: Go north
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

You can see Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse here.
action: You go north
response: You stride onto the flight deck, and Captain Arnold acknowledges your presence with a sleepy grunt. "Did you get rid of the blighters, Walken?" he asks. "Yes, captain," you reply, rolling your eyes. "Then I've got another job for you: deliver the PZ-12. Can you do that?"

"Of course I can, captain," you reply coldly.

The endlessness of outer space stretches out through the vast, translucent plasma shield that serves as a viewing window. The flight deck itself would be a marvel of technology, were it not for all the wires and panels that have clearly been haphazardly arranged. The only exit is aft.

Captain Arnold - an obese, pale-blond man with a preposterous mustache - is reclining in the back of his captainly chair once again, one hand glued to his chin. He looks very much like a caricature of those starship captains from the old VR shows (such as "Intergalactic Warmongering: The Series" and other suchlike corny things.)

A hologram stands in pride of place next to the captain, ready to answer whatever questions the captain may have (provided that they have nothing to do with the number 42, that is.)
action: Go west
response: This is the only part of the spaceship where you have any likelihood of finding coffee.

The drink dispenser fills up half the room with its staggering presence.
action: Go east
response: This is basically a bunch of bunkbeds. No privacy, no luxury, no soap.
action: You ask Captain about the pizza
response: Captain Arnold sighs. "The hologram will explain all this better than I can. Anyway, I sure need a nap...
action: You ask the hologram about pizza
response: The hologram says: "You must hurry, Anne Walken. The stability of spacetime itself is at stake."
action: You drop corpse
response: Dropped.
action: You look at Captain
response: You see nothing special about Captain Arnold.

The captain yawns. "I can't seem to stay awake, Walken. And this is one tricky maneuver to make... Steering a ship between an exploding star and a supermassive black hole ain't a piece of cake."
action: You examine gun
response: It's a vintage LaserLobber 2056, deluxe model. You've had it ever since you graduated from Interstellar University with Superluminal Honours.

The captain yawns. "Walken, get me some coffee. That'll be helpful."
action: You ask the hologram about the pizza
response: The hologram says: "Anne Walken, we have a problem. The Centennial Crow cannot enter the wormhole owing to a solar flare in the neighborhood. You must therefore jump into the wormhole and deliver the PZ-12 to the individual known only under the code name of Hessian. You are running out of time. You have five minutes remaining. "
A computerized voice says from overhead "Five minutes before wormhole is in range. No smoking allowed."
action: Go south
response: This is (literally) the heart of the spaceship. The Tube - a great column of technological wizardry - rises from the floor, and stretches all the way up to the ceiling above. The sleeping quarters are portside, the eating quarters are starboardside, the flight deck is forward and - most important of all - the spaceship's vitally important cargo is aft.

You can see Lieutenant Hatwonsky's corpse here.

"Four minutes! Switch off all your mobile phones!"
action: Go south
response: You cannot help bating your breath upon viewing the inside of this room.

On the floor is a hatch, through which the pizza delivery must be effected.

Upon a round, metal table, trapped inside a glistening stasis field, is the reason behind this dangerous mission through space and time... a great, whopping big pizza!

"Three minutes!"
action: You take the pizza
response: Taken.

"Two minutes!"
action: You open hatch
response: You open the hatch, and get sucked out through the airlock. Shortly afterwards, you are both frozen, carbonized and disintegrated alive.
action: You look at what you're carrying with you
response: You are carrying:
a pizza
a bottle of alcohol
a ray gun

"Sixty seconds!"
action: You wait
response: Time passes.

A computerized voice overhead says coldly: "The Centennial Crow is now within range. Open the hatch now."
action: You open hatch
response: You cannot bring yourself to open the hatch, even though you know that owing to reality distortions you should logically survive the fall with a 50% probability.
action: You open hatch
response: You cannot bring yourself to open the hatch, even though you know that owing to reality distortions you should logically survive the fall with a 50% probability.

"You have failed, Anne Walken," a computerised voice says sternly. "As a consequence of your instinct for self-preservation, you have created a chain of events leading to your own self being erased from history."

"Nooooooooooooo! Please - "
action: You open hatch
response: The influence of the alcohol is such that the idea of jumping into a wormhole armed with only a pizza seems quite a fun thing to do. So you boldly leap into the unknown!

The rest is a blur, but after landing on Earth somewhat singed but none the worse for wear, you find your way to the house where Hessian is supposed to live.

You knock at the door, worn out by your interstellar antics, and to your astonishment Christopher Walken -- who was your great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great grandfather -- opens the door! "Hey, that pizza smells simply wonderful," he exclaims with a smile.