Office Goose
by Liz Henry (2019)
Genres: Humor

It's a beautiful day in the tech company office, and you are a horrible goose.

action: %
response: It's a beautiful day in the office, and you are a horrible goose.
(If you aren't sure how to play, type "help" and hit enter.)

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see a potted palm and a printer here.
action: About yourself
response: You're large, you're white, and you're waddling.
action: You examine the palm
response: A large indoor plant with luxuriant fronds.
You feel an urge to peck it.
action: You peck it
response: You jab your beak at the potted palm.

Dirt spills out. How satisfying. You could probably pick up the whole plant.
action: You look at the printer
response: This large printer has a ton of options for copying, collating, and stapling.
What would happen if you pecked it, hard, with your powerful beak?

The printer is currently switched off.

You feel a mighty primal urge to honk, to flap, and to peck things.
action: Peck printer
response: You jab your beak at the printer.
The printer switches on.

Some sheets of paper fly out of the printer and across the room.
action: You take the palm
response: You stretch out your neck, biting and gnashing.

You grab the torn-up potted palm with your powerful beak.
action: You throw the palm
response: Dropped.
action: Go east
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

This mini kitchen has tasty snacks and bad coffee. The main office is just to the west.

You can see a pod-based coffee maker, a sink, a cabinet (closed), and a purple-haired developer here.
action: You examine developer
response: The purple-haired developer is carrying a cup of coffee.
action: Honk
response: HONK!!!!

Startled, a hapless office worker looks up in alarm.
action: Bite developer
response: You jab your beak at the purple-haired developer.

The developer shrieks in rage. She comes at you ready to kill.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
action: You go to the west
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see a torn-up potted palm tree, some spilled dirt, some sheets of paper, and a dented printer here.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the east.
action: Flap
response: You flap your wings, menacing everything in the near vicinity.

Everyone in the room starts in surprise.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
action: You go to the east
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

This mini kitchen has tasty snacks and bad coffee. The main office is just to the west.

You can see puddles of spilled coffee, an empty coffee cup, a pod-based coffee maker, a sink, and a cabinet (closed) here.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the west.
action: Peck cabinet
response: You jab your beak at the cabinet.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer.
action: You open the cabinet
response: It seems to be locked.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer.
action: Peck sink
response: You jab your beak at the sink.
The sink switches on.

The faucet cracks. Water sprays all over!

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
action: You go west
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see a torn-up potted palm tree, some spilled dirt, some sheets of paper, and a dented printer here.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the east.
action: You go west
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

A large board room with chairs arranged around a central table. Through the open door, you can see the main office to the east.

You can see a project manager, an ipad, and a video camera here.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the east.
action: Peck camera
response: You leap several feet in the air but fail to peck the video camera.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing.
action: You take the ipad
response: You stretch out your neck, biting and gnashing.

It's too big. Maybe you could peck it instead.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer.
action: Peck ipad
response: You jab your beak at the ipad.

A huge picture of a plump goose fills the conference room screen.
The conference call participants all start talking at once!
Someone yells, "STOP THAT GOOSE!" and starts to chase you!

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
action: Honk
response: HONK!!!!

A person near you jumps in fear.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
action: Bite manager
response: You jab your beak at the flustered manager.

You peck her in the butt, feeling a deep sense of satisfaction. "OUCH!!! HEY!!!"
The project manager leaps up from her chair!

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: Go east
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see a torn-up potted palm tree, some spilled dirt, some sheets of paper, and a dented printer here.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the west.

"My meeting," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.

The flustered manager arrives from the west.
action: You go to the south
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

An adjustable standing/sitting desk dominates this spacious cubicle. The main office is just to the north.

You can see an adjustable desk (on which are a tattered copy of the book 'Design Patterns' and a laptop) here.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the north.

"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager.

The flustered manager arrives from the north.
action: Peck laptop
response: You jab your beak at the laptop.

Your beak mashes the keys and cracks the screen.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you. "Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Honk
response: HONK!!!!

Someone does a double take as they realize how close you are.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"My meeting," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: Flap
response: You flap your wings, menacing everything in the near vicinity.

One of your powerful wings clubs someone in the elbow.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: You look at the desk
response: A beautiful ergonomic desk, adjustable with electronic controls.

On the adjustable desk are a tattered copy of the book 'Design Patterns' and a broken laptop.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager.
action: Peck desk
response: You jab your beak at the adjustable desk.

The desk starts going up and down at random.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer.
"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: You take the book
response: You stretch out your neck, biting and gnashing.

You grab the tattered copy of the book 'Design Patterns' with your powerful beak.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Go north
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see a torn-up potted palm tree, some spilled dirt, some sheets of paper, and a dented printer here.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the south.

"What the heck," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.

The flustered manager arrives from the south.
action: You eat the book
response: You shred the book into tiny pieces.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager.
action: Go west
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

A large board room with chairs arranged around a central table. Through the open door, you can see the main office to the east.

You can see a battered and scratched ipad and a video camera here.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the east.

"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.

The flustered manager arrives from the east.
action: You examine the camera
response: You see nothing special about the video camera.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing. "Get it out of here," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Peck camera
response: You leap several feet in the air but fail to peck the video camera.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She trips over you, swearing. "Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: Flap
response: You flap your wings, menacing everything in the near vicinity.

People leap away from the chaotic hurricane of your wings.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager.
action: Peck camera
response: You leap several feet in the air but fail to peck the video camera.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager.
action: You get on the table
response: You get onto the table.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Peck camera
response: The camera lens cracks.

You jab your beak at the broken camera dangling from the ceiling.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: Honk
response: HONK!!!!

People in the room freeze as they try to figure out what you'll do next.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: You go east
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

(first getting off the table)

You're in a large open room. Narrow corridors run between grey-walled cubicles. Exits lead east, west, and south.

You can see some little bits of chewed up paper, a torn-up potted palm tree, some spilled dirt, some sheets of paper, and a dented printer here.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the west.

"What the heck," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.

The flustered manager arrives from the west.
action: Go east
response: You waddle over with deadly purpose.

This mini kitchen has tasty snacks and bad coffee. The main office is just to the west.

You can see puddles of water, puddles of spilled coffee, an empty coffee cup, a pod-based coffee maker, a sink with a broken faucet spraying water everywhere, and a cabinet (closed) here.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.

The wet, scalded developer arrives from the west.

"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.

The flustered manager arrives from the west.
action: Peck maker
response: You jab your beak at the pod-based coffee maker.
The pod-based coffee maker switches on.

Coffee sprays out of the coffee maker!

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: Break cup
response: Violence isn't the answer to this one.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: You take the cup
response: You stretch out your neck, biting and gnashing.

You grab the empty coffee cup with your powerful beak.

Taken.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager, lurching forward.
action: You throw the cup
response: Dropped.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer.
"Aaaaagggghh," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Flap
response: You flap your wings, menacing everything in the near vicinity.

Your flurry of wings makes people step back in dismay.

"Nnnnnnggggg," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"What the heck," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Bite manager
response: You jab your beak at the flustered manager.

"Catch it," yells the enraged developer, chasing you.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Describe the surroundings
response: This mini kitchen has tasty snacks and bad coffee. The main office is just to the west.

You can see a fire alarm, a wet empty coffee cup, puddles of spilled coffee, a flustered manager, a wet, scalded developer, puddles of water, a mangled coffee maker, a sink with a broken faucet spraying water everywhere, and a cabinet (closed) here.

"Horrible goose," yells the enraged developer. She flails, knocking her own glasses onto the floor.
"Get it out of here," shrieks the manager. She falls over a chair.
action: Peck alarm
response: You jab your beak at the fire alarm.
The fire alarm switches on.

The glass covering the fire alarm switch breaks.
ooooooOOOOOOooooooo!
The developer panics, opens a cupboard and takes out a fire extinguisher.

oooooOOOOOOoooooo BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Congratulations! You are the most horrible of horrible geese.
This start-up office will never be the same.
You run outside, ready to wreak mayhem on the rest of the world!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thanks to playtesters Laura Kukulski, Danny O'Brien, Potch, Britta Gustafson, Hannah Diaz, Milo Kim, Sigrid Ellis, and Jim Shepard.