Genre: Opinion/Argumentation

Personal stories - Leigh I was diagnosed over 14 years ago now and I was in Holloway for the third time . I was on remand for drug related crime . I think it was for cheque book fraud . I had been tested for HIV before I went in to prison because my boyfriend had found out he was positive . He 'd been very ill and subsequently got his diagnosis . I went for a test but when the results were due , I was already inside . I told the prison about it . I felt that I should . It was an incredibly scary time . It was January 1987 and all I really knew about HIV was what I saw on TV . At the time they were doing that national campaign with tomb stones and HIV = AIDS = Death . Even though I was an intravenous drug user , at that point I did not know anybody else with HIV apart from my boyfriend , so when I was given the results it was still an incredible shock . I was told not to talk about it because they did not want mass hysteria and I was put into isolation . They told me that if anybody were to ask me why , I was to say it was because I had Hepatitis B. I did see someone after being told my test result , for about two minutes . I ca n't remember much about it other than sitting there crying . The only good thing about it was that she offered me a fag . I was not given any information about HIV or AIDS . I just thought that I was going to die pretty soon . At this time I got very ill . I was only seven stone anyway and was withdrawing off heroin . But I think the shock of it gave me really severe gastroenteritis . There was nobody to talk to . Nobody was allowed near me and my food was passed through a hatch . Then , I had to go to court to try and get bail . I did n't get it . The way the prison system works is that you do not then automatically go back into Holloway Prison . I was put into a holding cell in a police station and there , again , nobody was allowed near me . There were a few other people in these cells and I told one of the girls there what had happened . She told the police that I needed some help . I was really sick , but they would n't help me . They eventually sent me back to Holloway , into the hospital bit where I was put into a room with two other people who had just been diagnosed in my absence . So there were three of us together which was a bit better . At least that was some support . But still , the same rule applied ; nobody else was allowed to come near us . I then tried for bail again . At the court I was put into a cubicle instead of the main waiting room with all the other girls . I could hear the Police and prison officers coming in and refusing to take me , saying they had heard about me : " She 's the one with AIDS and the last van and the last cell she was in had to be fumigated " ... So the whole experience was sitting there , hearing people talk about the girl with AIDS but nobody actually talking to me about it . After sitting in this tiny cubicle with a closed door for six hours , I eventually got taken in to court . I did get bail . The one good thing that came out of this whole horrific experience was that I really thought hard about my life for the first time ever , I guess because I thought I was going to die . I accepted this but knew one thing : I did not want to die a junkie or in a prison cell , or a victim . That was the first time that anything had come in to my life to make me look at it and change it around . When I came out of prison , I had some really bad experiences . My family were really scared . They did n't know any different . I hasten to add that they are incredibly supportive now and have been for years but at the time they did not want to even pick up their Christmas presents . When I dropped them off , my brother in law asked me not to touch the children . We had bricks thrown through our windows on the estate where I lived with my boyfriend . I 'd told one person , a fellow drug user , thinking they would realise that it could have easily happened to them . I had no idea of the consequences of telling people . Suddenly , everybody knew . We 'd go out to the shops and kids would chant ' Oh , they 're the ones with AIDS . ' People snubbed us . As far as my drug taking was concerned , I went on a methadone prescription but although I had this mini - revelation in prison , it still took me a couple of years to change my life . I was on this script and was just waiting to die really . I did go to a couple of support groups . There was one at Body Positive but I was always the only woman . I remember seeing an AIDS specialist for the first time and asking him how long I had to live . He said he did n't know but he was sure that I stood a better chance if I stopped taking street drugs . At that point I had not stopped taking drugs completely but I 'd certainly cut down and had started to put on a bit of weight . I actually went to my hospital appointments regularly and went to the DDU ( Drug Dependency Unit ) . But my life was worse than it had been because before , it had been a full time job being a junkie , however horrific it was . The last two years had just consisted of getting up , going to the chemist , getting my prescription and that was it . So one day I woke up and knew I just had to stop taking drugs completely . I went into a 12 step treatment centre . Their philosophy was total abstinence and they encouraged me to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings . I remember the first group that I went to . You have to say : .. " Hello , my name is .... and I 'm an addict ' and I said .. " Hello , my name is Leigh . I 'm an addict and I 'm also HIV + . " I thought I had to be out in the open and I automatically said .. " So you can all leave the room now . " ... because that was my experience . Nobody did . They hugged me and it was really nice and I felt really accepted . But that , too , was like a double edged sword . We used to have therapeutic duties to do and one was serving food . I was banned from the kitchen . I did n't mind because I did n't want to peel potatoes but I was confused about being accepted one minute and the next being treated very differently . Quite frankly , without the drugs to cushion it all , being on the programme felt like being diagnosed all over again . But I got through it and then went to a half way house . I got through that too , and from there my life began to change . The reason I got involved with working for AIDS organisations was because of my anger at how I had been treated . I started working at PW in 1991 which was a very empowering experience for me . I had never had my own cheque book before so that was a novelty ! The experience of being responsible , helping other people and contributing helped me to learn and grow . I left PW after three years , as the Services Manager . The main reason was the death of Jaynie , one of the founder members . I went to her funeral and she left a letter saying she was dying really happy . I thought , at the time , in terms of maybe only having a couple of years left . I could n't say that if I died I would be happy . I was burned out and stressed out from working all the time . So I left to have some time for me .