Genre: Forum

Oct 15, 2012 10:28 PM So getting straight into it, about 2 years ago my grandad got diagnosed with stomach cancer, it was advanced at this point due to the fact he refused for 5 months prior to the diagnosis to see a doctor about his symptoms in the end leaving my nan forcing the doctor to talk with him about the serious symptoms. Due to the advanced stages the cancer was already spreading to his other organs and he quickly worsened, loosing 3 stone in 2 months etc etc. At this point the doctors told him it was terminal, which already was a shock to us all. We are such a close family, spending every weekend as a child at his house, he taught me how to cook, how to swim, he would sit and tell me stories from when he was younger. Hes the best man i have ever met. the doctors told us to prepare for the worse and say our goodbyes but 2 years later hes still here. So i guess i can say ive learnt to put the cancer to the back of my mind as in my head hes my big 6ft tall strong grandad who beat the doctors guesses. for the past 2 years chemo has kept the cancer under control and the 3st he lost has slowly come back , but recently hes lost it again and he cant eat or drink without being sick, hes off chemo and hes the worse ive seen him, he never leaves the house. Anyway, the reason im here is because i guess im lost, i was writing my list for christmas in terms of what i need to buy for others, i wrote everyone out but when i got to the word "grampy" my heart fell, i could not write anything, since then ive been a mess, we are waiting for results on whether its spread further, im constantly thinking about it, but i still wont talk to anyone i dont want to look weak i want to forget it like ive done in the past. i keep thinking he wont be here for chirstmas , and if he is it will be his last with us, I dont know how to deal with loosing a man who taught me so much about life, he wont see me graduate university which kills me. I cant understand cancer, i dont udnerstand half the stuff thats happened to him, hes never smoked or drank much, he used to run 1 mile every day, why iis someone who was so health concious now stuck in a chair unable to do anything. I feel i have no one to talk to or express my feelings to. And my biggest question of all, is it bad that i sometimes blame him for not getting checked out when the symptoms first started like i had pleaded with him to do? I guess ive bottled it up for 2 years and its got to the point i need to scream about it, i need to be upset, everyones telling me to spend time with him but i dont want to see him like this. Its killing me, i just need someone who understands to talk to, who isnt my family, thats why im here. Its an up and down battle that i dont know how to face anymore, its too far along for me to forget it like i have done in the past. Have just read your story and do understand how you feel. (My husband who is also a grandad to a 4 year old has terminal cancer). We all hate what cancer does to those we love and the emotions you are experiencing are perfectly acceptable. We have anger, sadness, frustration and many other emotions to deal with and I try to deal with them day by day and sometimes even hour by hour. There will be many on this forum who will feel as you do (maybe even some of a like age who can respond better than me).  Coping is so hard and you need to talk and ask questions as they arise which is why this site helps so many in our position.  I do hope that as your grandad has battled before and been well for a while that once again he can be helped to overcome his current battle too.  As a family we do not know how long my husband may have but plans for Christmas are still being formed and rightly or wrongly I believe he will be there with us and we are striving to make it as normal as we can. Do hope  you have some positive news soon and come back on forum to share your feelings. I find it helps to write them down.Jules54 Thank you for your reply, sorry to hear about your husband. Its a horrible horrible disease, past two years ive just tried to forget it and kept myself busy with other stuff and its got too much, thats why i came here Yeah im trying to stay positive but as everyone here understands its not easy. My main worry is what do i do if he cant battle it again like last time? Reading posts on here helps, i dont feel so alone i can see others are going through the same thing. Its easier to talk on here than to my family which is crazy! Jody Great to see that people are already helping you on this site and as you can see too there are people your own age who know exactly what you are experiencing. I found it difficult trying to cope with telling my kids but we all have different personalities and deal with things differently too, even in the normal day to day life let alone with cancer. I have  now found that it is easier to wait to be asked questions rather than to ask them as you then know they are ready to talk. On here I probably bore people to tears asking the same things but as a relative or carer it is so hard to know what to do and how to deal with every stage. Come and chat whenever you feel the need but take time too to have your own life as this also helps you cope on the difficult days. Take care Jules Hope you don't mind me talking to you. I am sorry to hear about your granddad. I know a little of what you are going through for I have lost an aunt, my grandmother and my mother all to breast cancer over the past few years. You comment that it's crazy that you find it easier to talk on here than it is to your family. I believe there are several reason for that Jody. No matter what age we are, we all try to make our family believe we are coping and we put on a brave face when the exact opposite is often true. Another reason is we try to protect our families as we know that they are already worried and we don't feel like adding to their worries by telling them how we feel. Plus I feel that we may feel sometimes that by opening up and talking to our family openly and honestly, some of them might think that we are weak as a result. But I do believe that in most cases our family are feeling the same feelings themself's, and if we were to talk to them about our worries and fears in an honest manor, It would help them too and not feel so alone. I am a great believer that a problem shared is a problem halved. I can well understand you feeling anger with the fact that your granddad didn't go to the doctor when he first felt unwell. As you get older, you will probably find we men can be very stubborn about going to see the doctor. We tend to bury our head in the sand and steadfastly refuse to accept there is anything wrong with us. I think it's just a macho thing. I was the same as your granddad and repeatedly refused to go to the doctor despite my wife telling me to. Finally her patience snapped and she told me she would drag me there if I didn't give in. And that's how they found out I had prostate cancer but luckily have since made a good recovery. If I had not listened to my wife at last, I could now well be in the position your granddad is. I do believe my wife saved my life by her actions that day and I can never fully repay her for that. But in the meantime anytime you are feeling low, please come back on here for there are lots of great people like Jules and I promise you,people on here will do all we can to help you. Sorry if I've rambled on a bit. Please take care and also let us know how you and your granddad are getting on. Best wishes to you and you family, regards Brian You havent rambled on at all, its nice to have people replying to me and making me feel less alone, im glad to hear about your recovery! I know its not his fault but part of me wishes id done more to make him go earlier and im full of anger that i dont know how to express. My grandad has gone in for an operation today to clear his food pipe which was being blocked by the tumour, so we are now waiting for news about how the op went if all goes well hopefully he will be able to eat again and put some weight back on. You are completley right with the way im feeling about talking to my family, its such a stressful time especially for my mum that i dont feel she will be able to cope if i tell her how i feel. Hope your grandad's op helps him to eat again. A worrying time for all the family but glad he is able to have treatment and my thoughts are with you. By the way when I get angry I write it all down and then throw it away. Don't know why but I find this helps to clear my mind an d then I concentrate on writing down good thoughts (and keep these in my diary) . I am sure my husband would think I had lost my marbles if hew knew what I was up to!!  Good luck to you all. Jules