Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig...... If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig...... Something new: Starting from today, Monday Laughs will credit the source of jokes posted if they were received from PF1 members. There is no point in crediting my other sources as they are unknown on this site, but I do acknowledge their contribution and my appreciation. There will be some errors and omissions because I have not recorded the contributors of many in my file, and unfortunately this will continue because I have a good number of jokes from long forgotten sources. If some are yours, please consider yourself thanked and appreciated. Jokes are not always submitted in the form they are received. Some I kiwi-ise, and many I edit for context, spelling, grammar or simply 'flow' reasons, I like to see good metre and rhyme in the poetic versions. SB=Submitted By... Billy . . There were four farm cadets who were in the final stages of interviewing for a job. The interviewer told them that he would ask each of them the same question, and whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair, so the recruitment interviewer asked the first cadet the question, ?What is the fastest thing in the world?? The young man thought for a moment and replied, ?That would have to be a thought.? ?Why do you say that?? asked the interviewer. ?Well, a thought takes no time at all?it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.? ?Ahh, very good. thank you,? replied the interviewer. Next the same question was posed to the next cadet, ?What is the fastest thing in the world?? The young man paused and replied, ?That would have to be a blink.? ?Why?? asked the interviewer. ?Because you don?t even think about a blink, it?s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.? The third young man was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, ?I would have to say electricity. Why? Because my dad can flip a switch at the house, and immediately the light will go on down at the cowshed.? ?I see, very good,? replied the interviewer. Then, the last young man was asked, ?What is the fastest thing in the world?? ?That?s easy?? he replied, ?that would have to be diarrhoea!? Rather stunned, the interviewer asked, ?Why do you say that?? ?Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed then suddenly I got the worst stomach cramps ever! Next thing I knew, before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights, I'd shlt myself!!!!!? SB-SP8's ********************************* Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas, it's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course ...' She said, 'Don?t forget your sweater!' " ********************************* A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash, everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell? Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. He then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you're all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?? Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want me to do for you? Colin said, ?I want you to tell me the name of the bastard who pushed me in.? ********************************* Barry, the Kiwi builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue." The builder went to to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!" As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!" Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan." And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!" The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but, you always yell "Green side up", "What do you say that for?" "Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder. "I've got a couple of Aussies laying turf out front, they've never seen green grass before." ********************************* Now for an educational interlude to improve your working week: Did You Know............ If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) ------------------------------ If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough methane gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb, and enough effluvium* to suffocate any survivors. (Now that's more like it!) * Go look it up ------------------------------ The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) ------------------------------ A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) ------------------------------ A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) ------------------------------ Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.) ------------------------------ The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.. (Hi Honey, I'm home . What the...?) ------------------------------ The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (Thirty minutes? Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) ------------------------------ The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) ------------------------------ Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) ------------------------------ Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) ------------------------------ The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) ------------------------------ Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) ------------------------------ Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) ------------------------------ A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much our government paid to figure that out.) ------------------------------ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) ------------------------------ Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) ------------------------------ Polar bears are left-handed (pawed?). (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) ------------------------------ Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) ------------------------------ Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.. Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig...... Re: Monday Laughs........Credit where credit is due, including the Pig...... Alright as promised... *** Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!" Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... that way when you do judge them you're a mile away... and you have THEIR shoes! 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?' It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. -William G. McAdoo, lawyer and politician (1863-1941)


Our house has had so many bugs since October, colds, vomitty and shitty bugs. The grand finale has been my boy getting Chicken Pox through nursery... which also meant us cancelling his Christening and party. Poor little bugger, he's not been that ill with it but he's scratching his back like a bear on the sofa arms and floor. Think he's over the worst of it now. You may recall stupid hippy friend of Mrs K's, who has bladder caaner. She had a small (almost said "wee" there but couldn't bring myself to pun that badly) tumour removed last year, but refused any treatment. She's instead been trying to cure it by drinking her own piss and aplying piss soaked bandages to herself. It's some hippy remedy she read about, or something. Unsurprisingly the cancer's back and has spread all over her bladder and tubes and things. It's not operable without removing her bladder entirely. So stupid hippy friend of Mrs K's is refusing chemo AGAIN. Reasoning this time is that chemo is that it's "only 60% effective and is bad for your body". Whereas cancer is like fucking Berrocha, clearly. The worst thing is she's a single mum and has a 7 year old daughter. Who's goign to be an orphan pretty bloody soon, at this rate. The internet has a lot to answer for. _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." This sort of thing just makes me really cross. It's like a religion with this woman - we had a blazing row the one year over homeopathy. I just ended up going "gnnnnnnk" a lot. _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." It would entirely depend on what type and stage of cancer it was, for me. With my mum it was stage 4 when it was found and was inoperable to start with, but they thought that chemo might shrink it enough to get it operable. It did, but by the time that happened her body was in such a state she wouldn't have survived the operation anyway. She took every option available to her, which most likely gave her an extra 6 months, but looking back i'm not sure the added suffering was worth it. However, not doing that would have meant giving up hope, and none of us were ready for that as it was a total bolt out of the blue, so none of the family had had any time to adjust. Without the chemo she would have likely been gone within 3 months from first diagnosis, with it she lasted 9 months. It would entirely depend on what type and stage of cancer it was, for me. With my mum it was stage 4 when it was found and was inoperable to start with, but they thought that chemo might shrink it enough to get it operable. It did, but by the time that happened her body was in such a state she wouldn't have survived the operation anyway. She took every option available to her, which most likely gave her an extra 6 months, but looking back i'm not sure the added suffering was worth it. However, not doing that would have meant giving up hope, and none of us were ready for that as it was a total bolt out of the blue, so none of the family had had any time to adjust. Without the chemo she would have likely been gone within 3 months from first diagnosis, with it she lasted 9 months. If silly hippy woman had the chemo she could still be perfectly fine and go into remission. And if she'd had chemo last year like she should have this wouldn't have happened. But I completely take your point - someone we know with a massive, defeinitely fatal brain tumour underwent a lot of treatment to extend her life, and it just made her quality of life in her last few months ultimately non-existent. _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." It would entirely depend on what type and stage of cancer it was, for me. With my mum it was stage 4 when it was found and was inoperable to start with, but they thought that chemo might shrink it enough to get it operable. It did, but by the time that happened her body was in such a state she wouldn't have survived the operation anyway. She took every option available to her, which most likely gave her an extra 6 months, but looking back i'm not sure the added suffering was worth it. However, not doing that would have meant giving up hope, and none of us were ready for that as it was a total bolt out of the blue, so none of the family had had any time to adjust. Without the chemo she would have likely been gone within 3 months from first diagnosis, with it she lasted 9 months. If silly hippy woman had the chemo she could still be perfectly fine and go into remission. And if she'd had chemo last year like she should have this wouldn't have happened. But I completely take your point - someone we know with a massive, defeinitely fatal brain tumour underwent a lot of treatment to extend her life, and it just made her quality of life in her last few months ultimately non-existent. Oh, it wasn't an argument against the hippy, in this case she is literally insane. More just a discussion on what I would and wouldn't do in the future My mum was holding on to see her 3rd granddaughter, she missed her being born by a day (although she was a week early I think, I have no doubt the stress of mum going kicked in labour for my sis!) A lot of people have a real misunderstanding about chemo, and think that it's 'one thing' that everyone has. Chemo regimes differ wildly, as do their impact on your general health and well-being. Some people undergo chemo and suffer not a great deal more than lowered energy levels, some end up with the chemo killing them before the cancer does. A good oncologist should really be able to explain what's going to happen to your quality of life whatever choice you make about treatment options. _________________ ApplePieOfDestiny wrote: If you want to play with the big boys, you've got to bring .... er .... big boy's toys. A lot of people have a real misunderstanding about chemo, and think that it's 'one thing' that everyone has. Chemo regimes differ wildly, as do their impact on your general health and well-being. Some people undergo chemo and suffer not a great deal more than lowered energy levels, some end up with the chemo killing them before the cancer does. A good oncologist should really be able to explain what's going to happen to your quality of life whatever choice you make about treatment options. You are right, chemo isn't a one size fits all solution. Part of the problem is that it isn't an exact science, they'll start light with a few drugs and see what happens, then adapt and increase if necessary. Plus with the added variables of different people reacting different ways to the mix of drugs, and difference cancers reacting in different ways, and it is all a bit of a crap shoot. The oncologist can give a rough idea, but it will only be rough. Also, they are predisposed to look on the bright side and give people hope, as in some ways that is more important for quality of life. Stage 1, 2 and 3 I would go for whatever treatment was offered. Stage 4 would be very dependant on survival rates and the type and location of the cancer, for me. One thing I would like is for a choice to go when I want and as painlessly as possible if I was in that situation, as the last few days of life for a cancer patient are utterly horrific for all concerned and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but legally that isn't an option. Awful to hear of anyone suffering from cancer, but to not take any treatment and with a young child to take into considereation that's unreal. I'd say she's doing the child a favour. I assume I'm missing a subtlety here. _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." One thing I would like is for a choice to go when I want and as painlessly as possible if I was in that situation, as the last few days of life for a cancer patient are utterly horrific for all concerned and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but legally that isn't an option. Awful to hear of anyone suffering from cancer, but to not take any treatment and with a young child to take into considereation that's unreal. I'd say she's doing the child a favour. I assume I'm missing a subtlety here. Because now the child won't grow up thinking that piss cures cancer, for instance? Weighed against "not having a mum" I think the balance isn't tipped the way you think it is. Unless you really think all people with hippies for parents would be better off as orphans? _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." I think you have a rather romantic notion of "mum". But yeah, the child is fucked either way, unless by some miracle it's adopted. This has nothing to do with hippies, it's about idiots that aren't fit to be parents. Why is she not fit to be a parent? She's a pretty good mum to the kid, and the kid is happy and well adjusted. Just because someone believes some baffling and stupid stuff doesn't make them unfit to be a parent. By that token Christians are all shit parents because they believe in zombie carpenters and sky pixies. _________________ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."


Last night I joined the record breaking 70,584 supporters who packed out Wembley stadium to watch our Team GB women's football squad beat Brazil 1-0, top their group and book their place in the quarter finals of the 2012 Olympics. Having never been to see a live football match I didn't know quite what to expect but it blew all my expectations clean out of the water. Mexican waves stormed around the stadium, Team GB chants echoed all around and the whole place was swathed in a blanket of red, white and blue. The expectation and excitement was palpable and when the team came onto the pitch for the first time the whole stadium erupted. And within two minute of the first whistle we were off to a flying start, as Steph Houghton smashed the ball straight into the back of the net. The match was tense and exciting throughout, with Brazil getting plenty of chances, but Team GB dominated, perhaps partly thanks to their extra player - the crowd, who roared every time they got the ball. There were some hairy moments, thanks to some aggressive tackles from the Brazilians, all greeted with yellow cards, and boos from the stands. At one point Kelly Smith was even awarded a penalty after a dodgy tackle in the box, but it was saved, so the team continued in search of a second goal. But in the end they didn't need it. When the final whistle blew we had won the match 1-0 and topped our group - the volume went up, the flags fluttered and the stands celebrated a fantastic night for women's football. Soaking up the atmosphere, and watching our girls rocket their way to the quarter finals wasn't just a great night out, it was another reminder of how fantastic our home-grown female athletes are, and here at Zest we're really hopeful it will see a change in coverage and respect for women's sport.


Interview: Zak Waters September 3, 2012 Comments Off I have written about Los Angeles native Zak Waters a few times already here, but now that he has teamed up with boy wonder Madeon to bring us ' The City ' the time has come for us to learn more about him trough an interview. Definitely also check out his ' Walking On A Dream ' remix and the perfect summer anthem ' Skinny Dipping In The Deep End ', which I have personally played a lot, below. 01. Can you introduce yourself to the readers that haven't heard of you yet? Hello, hello! I'm Zak Waters. I am here. 02. How was your summer? Summer was great for me. We started it off nice and stressful with shooting the video for "Skinny Dipping." It was also tons of fun though. I mean whats not fun about spraying an entire jacuzzi full of people with champagne? But, try wrangling about 60 drunk extras...lesson learned. Other than the video, I've spent the majority of the summer in a studio, went to the beach once! Hey thats pretty good for someone like me. I'm really into working instead of doing fun things. It's a problem sometimes. I'm in the process of learning how to do that thing called "relaxing?" 03. Your top 3 favorite tracks of the moment are? No particular order. And I tend to obsess over songs, so some of these tracks are months old, but I just haven't been able to move on yet! 04. You teamed up with Madeon which resulted in the upcoming single 'The City'. How did you guys meet? I sure did! Long story short, a couple years ago now, my writing/producing partner Jarrad Kritzstein was working with a UK artist Rachel Furner (now Tich). Her A&R person had suggested that this 16 year old kid do a production of the song they wrote....So obviously we went and found this kid, we were like "who the hell gets a 16 year old to produce a song, this is ridiculous..." But then we LISTENED, and looked at each other in awe. We were blown away. So then we started talking to him, we emailed back and forth. Talked about what plug-ins and synths we were using etc... you know music geek stuff. We had kinda went back and forth for a while with the possibility of him doing a remix for me, and then me singing on one of his tracks. Then one day about a year ago, I received "The city" in my inbox asking me if I wanted to take a stab at writing to it. So i did. and now here we are!! 05. What inspired you when writing the lyrics? Well, the track was always called "The City." Hugo (Madeon) had this vision of some far away place. Hence the sound effects in the intro. He had told me he visualized someone opening the door to some magical hidden place. I loved that! So I stuck to that, and thought of ways to ground that idea with something that still felt mysterious but also real and relatable. 06. How was it to work with the only 18-year old French producer? Its amazing, age aside, I still think he is one of the best producers I've ever heard, let alone worked with. But even outside of music, he very intelligent and extremely well spoken. So there's never any trouble for us understanding each other even though French is his first language. I'm extremely proud and excited to be a part of his journey. 07. Are there any other producers who you would like to work with in the future? Tons! Always really wanted to work with Benny Blanco, Teddy Riley, Babyface, Justice, Daft Punk, deadmau5, Danger Mouse, Timberland.... to name a few off the top of my head...I'd like to somehow mix all of those production styles together! Thad be cray! 08. You also have a solo album coming up, what can you tell us about that? I Do I do! Well Jarrad (Kritzstein) and I have been working on it for the last 8 months or so, taking a little break to start shooting a music video for the next single and then getting back to it! Aiming for January release..next single will be out in october though! 09. What inspired you when writing the tracks for the album? Oh man...so much...I'd say when we started this record I really wanted to just do what I wanted. We were a little constrained when doing "New Normal." Being signed to a major still, we were always trying so hard to write a "HIT." This time around me and Jarrad both had grown so much as producers, and I had really absorbed a ton of music between finishing new normal and starting this new one that I really wanted to explore with this record. I'd say at the core, the place were these songs come from is the exact same. Still very early funk and soul inspired, but our palate of sounds has grown far beyond that. Before I wanted to stay away from anything too indie sounding or anything too R&B. Now its all fair game. That being said this record will have a wide range of vibes and be pretty eclectic. I know...scary.... but I'm very proud of and excited to share it!!


White church weddings went up by four per cent, according to figures last month, after new rules allowed more couples to marry in a church of their choice rather than their closest parish church. When greatly increased fees for Church of England ceremonies were first suggested last year, CofE leaders said they would mean an end to 'Ryanair' weddings in which couples faced bills for an endless stream of extras. But the Ryanair principle has now crept in again, so a couple who pay the new fees will still face charges for extras they cannot avoid, such as the services of the verger and the bill for heating the church. The Bishop of Ripon and Leeds, the Right Reverend John Packer, told the Synod: 'There may be some modest increase in the overall fee income of the Church of England as a result of the proposed fee levels.' He added: 'Overall fee income probably contributes around 35million to running the Church of England, of which around 15million goes to the cost of stipends.' The stipend or salary recommended by the Church for a vicar is 22,180 a year. The new fee system, however, will charge couples for the services of clergy at a rate equivalent to 47,320 a year. The fee for a wedding will go up from 296 to 415, a price which includes the reading of the banns for three Sundays in advance of the ceremony and a certificate to show the banns have been read. The increase of just over 40 per cent is nearly 10 times the current rate of inflation according to the Consumer Prices Index, the measure favoured by the Treasury. The 415 includes the time of clergy, prices at 22.75 an hour, and a further 32.75 an hour for use of church buildings. But the verger and the heating bill come extra. Many couples will also wish to have an organist, likely to charge between 100 and 150, and sometimes double that if the wedding is being filmed. FEE CHANGES 'NOT INTENDED AS NEW INCOME STREAM', CLAIMS BISHOP A new fee system to cover weddings and funerals was designed last year, after lawyers discovered a glitch in ecclesiastical wedding law which meant the Church needed to pass new regulations through Parliament. A new fee system has now been approved at Westminster, but the scale of the fees was not made public until today. Bishop Packer, above , said: 'We really do need to make some progress. The figures have emerged out of a process of seeking to establish some reasonably consistent relationship to the actual costs incurred by the Church at diocesan and parish levels in providing authorised ministry. 'These figures are all arrived at in a similar way, with the same assumptions about costs underlying them. These assumptions include, broadly speaking, 22.75 an hour for authorized ministry, and 32.75 an hour for the use of buildings. The figures are based on a fair amount of discussion and research.' The bishop said: 'There may be some modest increase in the overall fee income of the Church of England as a result of the proposed fee levels. But there are so many variables that it is hard to be absolutely sure and in any event these proposals are not, and were never intended to be, a means of creating significant new income overall.' A choir may be another 100 or more, and a similar bill must be paid for bellringers. Flowers are a further cost on top. A funeral service will go up from 102 to 160, and a funeral including burial in the churchyard from 298 to 420. The price hikes come at a time when numbers of weddings in the country are at a historic low. Church weddings dropped to just 56,700 in 2009 as many couples chose the alternative of a civil ceremony in 'approved premises' such as a stately home. But numbers went up in 2010 to 58,700 as the reforms which allowed couples a much wider choice of churches took effect. Manchester Synod member the Reverend Canon Simon Killwick said the fee increases would turn couples against marriage in church. 'Such a fee increase seems to me hard to justify in times of financial austerity and even harder to justify in poor inner-city parishes, 'he said. 'The Church of England ought not to be seen to be making a big increase at this time and ought not to be making it difficult for the poor to access these services at a time when a simple ceremony can be had at a register office for around 100.' He warned that the Church of England could not rely on the power of vicars to waive fees in cases of hardship. 'That places the clergy in the invidious position of attempting to means test parishioners and people do talk. The poor don't want to be patronised by fees being waived, they want their church to be affordable to them. 'It would be a crying shame if poor people end up being married in register offices because the Church of England has priced them out of their parish church.' Share this article: Comments ( 125 ) May I set something straight. There is no charge for a christening (also called baptism) in the Church of England. Also , at the church of which I am vicar, couples have never paid more than the basic fee, plus - if they want it, charges for organist (100) , choir (60) and bells (60) The organists fee is part of his legitimate income? The choir fee is pocket money for our choir children (5) each, and any left over pays for music for the choir . The bellringers get 10 each, which in some cases hardly pays their travel expenses. If you had to buy these people in independently they would cost much more. I spend a total of about 2 days with couples preparing for marriage, and there is a great deal of work planning and coordinating. The church must also be heated, lit, insured and maintained for 365 days a year if it is to be there on the one day that couple want it, and this is not cheap. I would rather the basic fee hadn't been increased, but I don't think it is unreasonable. For many unchurched people who don't really believe in a personal G-d, it's amazing how many of them WANT to get married, have their kids baptised, or have their funerals, in church because it seems like the "Right Thing To Do"! Even a humanist (read; Atheist) family wants our vicar to include Christian Themes in their relative's funeral for that reason. Saying that, there are Legal Fees that NEED to be paid for the church's services (e.g heat & light; the vicar's time/labour; Govt's cut). By and large, the other fees are entirely at the DISCRETION of the vicar and, for many, usually undercharged, or even waived in some cases (ancillary services - often given for FREE by churchgoers!). Everything else has to do with the fripperies and trappings the couple want to have, as well as the Reception or Wake afterwards. Families and couples need to have a careful and detailed talk with the individual vicar of their chosen church. Otherwise, the strap-line of this story is a bit OTT! There are several ordained Ministers of Religion who will marry you for free....but charge you 3.50 for the Wedding Certificate. If you are Roman Catholic, the Catholic Church used to ask you for a Donation towards costs. There are plenty of 'Free' churches around. This does not mean they will not ask for money but that they do not belong to a Grouping of Churches such as Church of England or Methodist and usually call themselves 'Evangelical'. They fix any charge or donation with you before hand. Of course if you are a regular Member of a Church, the Minister or Priest will know you and not charge you the usual rate. The Choir and Bellringers may also be free although they do appreciate a drink in the local afterwards. They aren;t charging for the sacrament of marriage, they are quite reasonably charging for the venue and the costs of running that venue for the wedding - a lot of commercials venues such as hotels and castles charge a whole lot more. However for funerals I feel local parishioners should have 'mates rates' and incomers charged somewhat more. The infants and children of parishioners should also be christened at a reasonable level, non church goers can fork out more. I'm not Christian btw I'm a Pagan, but why shouldn't the C of E make some money out of what are no longer religious events but purely social ones in a pretty setting So the price of a wedding now still costs less than the sculpted ice swan that turned up for one recent wedding I attended. Add in a small fee to pay for the choir, organist, bellringers, which comes to way less than say, the cost of buying a band in commercially for an event. Church wedding is very good value still. Just to be clear: clergy (even retired ones) don't get to keep the fee - its split between parish and diocesan costs - so the fees go towards the upkeep of buildings and subsidising others things. EG my church is running a homeless shelter this winter. We're funding that ourselves (no subsidy from government or council, though they have just asked us to provide extra places...) and the weddings we've done this year will help pay for it. Hatching, matching and despatching should be part and parcel of a vicar's/priests normal duties. Having to pay a priest to perform a wedding or christening or funeral is disgusting. Religion is a nonsense anyway - most churches are drab, draughty, miserably places at the best of times. Getting married in a bright, cheerful and warm hotel or other location is far pleasanter. If you don't believe in God why get married in a church, you are just making use of the building so you should pay for the privilege. Same goes for funerals if the deceased didn't believe in God why do the relatives go for a vicar to take the funeral service, because of what other people might say if they didn't or hoping the deceased may be sent on his way to eternal life. Simple if you don't believe find some other way and not the church!


The long haul I've been having the longest bout of creative constipation in a while.  Not inspired to write nor take photographs.  This can be a problem if you're a blogger.  Or sheer relief to some depending on your point of view . If the past is anything to go by this is a classic symptom of me being stuck in a comfort zone or overly distracted by other things more interesting or rewarding.  I fear that it this time it may be a little bit of both. The good news though is that I have finally relieved the kitchen garden of it's winter carpet of weeds, grasses and other infestations, all the result of a hell raising warm and wet winter party. My finger tips and nails may take weeks to heal from hours of scratching and scraping but the reward of seeing the garden ready for planting makes my heart swell. The chickens are deliriously happy too with the spoils of my excavation providing rich peckings for them.  The hard yards done I can treat myself with the construction of two new raised beds.  A mini extension to the garden for salads and strawberries and place to experiment seed raising on a larger scale. The kitchen has become less of a battle ground of late with the arrival of a new and rather special baking book . Or I should say books.  After weeks of grazing a wealth of gluten free, paleo, no sugar, guilt free and natural food blogs I finally bullet and invested in books that truly cover off the no wheat, low carb, no sugar requirements of our eating regime.  So I've been knocking out breads, cookies, cupcakes and biscotti that feel like the treats that baking goods are supposed to be.  With my baking confidence returning I finally feel that I can start some food blogging again and also feel more optimistic about keeping up with the new lifestyle for the long haul. I've settled my restless mind over recent weeks with a couple of books that I thoroughly recommend for others to read. Wolf Hall and Bring up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel.   They really are as good as the hype and publicity.  It's been a long time that I've read books with such intricacies and flow that keep you turning the pages.  Except in my case I was listening to them both as audio books.  We have the real books and in time I shall enjoy them all over again and turning the pages for real.  I've just started reading The Corrections on my kindle which if is as good as Franzen's more recent novel Freedom I know I am in for another enjoyable read. As I looked out of the window seeking an inspired thought for this post the winds are pounding and the rain is pouring again.  Spring in New Zealand has acute meteorological schizophrenia. Two days glorious, one day grey and then comes the big hitter with enough misery to drive you indoors and around the fire.  And then the cycle starts all over again.  Although it happens every year it still feels like an injustice.  A good time though to knuckle down and sort the photographs out, do some editing and heaven forbid actually prepare some images for printing.  Or I might just curl up with the bassets with a hot mug of tea, a cookie and my book. Comments Love the onion flowers! We're trying to eat our way through the winter crops to make room for the next garden residents -- a load of seedlings just bursting to get into the ground. It is such a hopeful and promising time, but I agree with you that October in Wellington is not to be trusted. Anything can happen out there and it probably will!


US President Barack Obama said the United States "will not countenance" Iran developing a nuclear weapon but claimed there was still time for Tehran to come to the negotiating table. President Obama, speaking at a news conference a day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, said there was a window of opportunity to settle the dispute with Iran over its nuclear programme diplomatically. "We will not we will not countenance Iran getting a nuclear weapon. My policy is not containment. My policy is to prevent them from getting a nuclear weapon, because if they get a nuclear weapon that could trigger an arms race in the region, it would undermine our non-proliferation goals, it could potentially fall into the hands of terrorists. And we've been in close consultation with all our allies, including Israel, in moving this strategy forward. At this stage, it is my belief that we have a window of opportunity where this can still be resolved diplomatically," he said. Mr Obama said the announcement of six-power talks with Iran offered a diplomatic opportunity to defuse the crisis. He said the notion that the United States needed to make a choice in coming weeks or months was "not borne out by facts." Mr Netanyahu assured Mr Obama on Monday that the Jewish state had made no decision on attacking Iranian nuclear sites, sources close to talks in Washington said. He, however, gave no sign of backing away from the option of military strikes. "Israel is a sovereign nation that has to make its own decisions about how best to preserve its security," Mr Obama said. Amid mounting speculation that Iran's nuclear sites could be attacked in coming months, the president appeared to point the finger at the Republican presidential candidates when he said that American politicians "beating the drums of war" had a responsibility to explain the costs and benefits of military action.


With many cycle commuters due to ride home in the dark this evening for the first time in months after the clocks went back at the weekend, a road safety charity has called on the government to adjust the UK's time zone to bring it forward by an hour in both winter and summer, which it claims would lead to a reduction in the number of road traffic casualties. According to the Institute of Advanced Motorists (IAM), crashes are more likely to take place in the evening and it say that analysis of data from the Department for Transport (DfT) suggest that its proposed change to daylight hours could help prevent 80 deaths and more than 200 serious injuries each year due to fewer hours of darkness in the evening. It adds that the number of cyclists killed or seriously injured last November was 5 per cent higher than the monthly average for the year. IAM chief executive Simon Best commented: "Making evenings lighter would save lives. While an extra hour of daylight would help to make the commute home much safer for all road users, children, cyclists and motorcyclists would benefit most." "We want to see a three-year trial of the new daylight system. If the trial period proves the new daylight hours have a positive effect on road safety, it is clear that it is the system we should keep. With convincing evidence of the potential benefits, it is only right that we pilot a new system." During 2011, according to road.cc's analysis of data contained in the DfT's Reported Road Casualties Great Britain 2011 , published last month, some 437 cyclists were killed or seriously injured during the year between the hours of 7am and 9am. The peak two-hour period for cyclist casualties on weekdays, however, was between 5pm and 7pm, with 500 reported deaths or serious injuries, while there were 375 such incidents in the two hours immediately preceding that time, from 3pm to 5pm. However, the same report also shows a drop in the casualty rate for cyclists killed or seriously injured per billion kilometres travelled for November compared to October, with the winter months of January, February and December lower still. The casualty rate peaked in the period from April to September. Bringing the clocks forward by an hour throughout the year would also bring the UK into line with most of Western Europe, with Portugal and the Republic of Ireland the only EU Member States to share our time zone. I'm sure there are a lot of other measures which would improve road safety more than this, 20 mph speed limits, harsher penalties for motorists etc. This is just going to make it darker in the mornings. There is a reason we're not on CET: we're not in Central Europe. It's plausible that only more experienced cyclists continue to cycle through the cold.and dark months, so rate could be lower generally but still worse for these people when it's dark. I've no evidence for this though. Yes, the Spanish and Portuguese have one timezone for the mainland and a different one for the Canaries and Madiera. But the point is that there is no reason why a country should have only one timezone England could have CET, and if they want it, the Scots (and Welsh, and N Irish) could stick to the current arrangement. And I could cycle home in light. But if it was darker in the morning then the casualty rate would probably change again. We did try not moving the clocks back at some point in the past and it wasn't followed through with for whatever reason. Might be interesting to look back at the stats for that period. Whichever way you slice it there are only so many hours of daylight. Given the fact that people tend to be more in a rush in the morning and children/teenagers (generally the most vulnerable road users) have to go to school early and come back earlier than adults usually, the way it's done now is probably better. The only change I would like would be another hour of daylight in the evening in the summer months (say May to August) when it gets light very early in the morning, so have 2 changes a year instead of 1. This would put us in sync with most of the rest of Europe for a certain period at least. The stats for the last time we had double summer time showed that overall casualites went down everywhere - including in Scotland. The reason commonly cited for this is that although it was darker in the mornings - people were also less tired and more alert to danger, whereas when it's dark in the evenings they are more tired and less alert. I can remember double summertime - it was fantastic. It wasn't abandoned because it was unpopular or unsafe it went because the minority Labour Government of the day needed the support of the Scots Nats and that was a sop to try and get it. It was a real benefit to the vast majority of the population and these days you'd have to assume that the benefits to the tourism industry would far outweigh any potential losses incurred a small part of the farming industry. Tony - I agree completely. And now the Scots have devolution, and possibly will opt to go the whole hog and be a different country altogether, there is no reason to have 1 timezone from Dover to Orkney. Sorry to keep pointing this out. This gets brought up every year. Problem is, it is only the very south that 'benefits' anywhere north of Manchester and Northern Ireland will be plunged into darkness until late morning. This was experimented in the early seventies late sixties and nothing came out of it. It would mean more sleepy, distracted, rushing drivers around on the a.m. run and all for that extra hour in the evening. Also for the likes of myself - people starting work at 5 and 6 am would be travelling to work all the year round in the dark. IAM would be better pressing for a safer environment for all road users. Personally I don't think scrapping the current setup will make roads any safer. Tony, I think that 40 years on, our lifestyles are more hurried and pressured. School run then work etc. I may be wrong, but it's my observation that over the years that driving skills have become poor to say the least. I also remember the experiment except for me I had to travel to school in the dark. My primary school over those few years put a stop to us cycling to school I remember the experiment 40 years ago too. I grew up in Scotland and we had to put up with those dark school journeys. It is all very well to talk about changing what we have at present but I've never been convinced by the safety claims made by those wanting to change the system. Rather than messing around with time zones, why don't we just start and finish work an hour earlier, eg: 8 - 4 instead of 9 - 5? That way you still get lighter evenings for the ride home and we don't bugger everything up. And farmers can continue blocking up the back roads at whatever time of day they feel like... The simple answer to this is to tow Britain south until it is level with Portugal. We get a better climate and less extremes of light and dark at the height of summer and in the depths of winter. I like the idea in principle but I think there might be a few technical issues to be considered. Surely those issues could be overcome with the collective brainpower of road.cc? It would definitely be worth it. We could solve all the airport expansion issues too - no need for extra runways if everyone holidays in the UK's newly desirable climate. Why change it around when it works as it is. The accidents wont fall as its driver / rider error not the dark (although there are occasions of bad light causing accidents). Airport expansion - there's a good topic. Why, when we have brilliant airports in the north, manchester and newcastle to name 2, do we need more runways in the south. There was a survey done whereby something like 40% of people from manchester flew through heathrow due to the flights not flying from manchester. Simple, ge tthe airlines to relocate some flights and this takes the pressure off heathrow and no more runway needed. Jobs in the north would be created and the toffy nosed southerners would get their way. There is more than enough room for extra flights at both Newcastle and Manchester not to mention the liokes of L'pool and Glasgow. Anyway i have moved off topic a bit so i'll shut up now. Moving the clocks around doesn't make any difference to the fact that THERE'S LESS DAYLIGHT. It's winter time, it's what happens. Move them forwards, it's just pitch dark in the mornings instead. You can't create extra daylight! I used to work on a shift system (8am - 8.30pm on the days that I was working) so for about 9 months of the year I needed lights while riding to/from work - changing the clocks made no difference whatsoever. This same old drivel gets trotted out every year by one campaign or another. It's been put on hold now until 2014 anyway once the Scots have had their referendum on independence. It has been tried before, it didn't work then and won't work now. From a biological prospective it is also nonsense, but then when have motoring lobbyists ever bothered with inconvenient things like evidence or science.


Microwaves ... Do you have one ? ...What do you use it for ? I have a small microwave which I have to say I rarely use . When I use it mostly it's just to heat a little bit of milk for some coffee of hot chocolate , or very occasionally to reward something  and that's about it ! I sometimes wonder if it's worth taking up the space on the shelf . When the children were small we had a larger microwave that we would use for making microwave meringues .. These were always a touch of magic that the children loved to see , we would put in this little blob of a fairly solid mix looking similar  a blob of fondant icing and after a very short while in the microwave out would come those pillows of light meringue ... Their faces were always full of amazement no matter how many times they saw this happen. Re: Microwaves ... Do you have one ? ...What do you use it for ? Yes, I couldn't live without my microwave.  Firstly, it's the best way to reheat left overs, especially soups and stews.  Even roast is better to reheat in a microwave because it stays moist unlike if you stick it back in the oven. I also steam veggies in microwave safe baggies, they come out perfectly.  I melt butter, warm up a cup of water for my tea, warm up my coffee if it's gone cold, and many people swear that it's the best way to steam fish but I haven't done that myself. It's also a good way to defrost in a hurry, but not meats!  I defrost soups and stews mostly. Re: Microwaves ... Do you have one ? ...What do you use it for ? It's a place to throw my car keys on top.... I use it for: warming leftovers (sometimes) melting butter And once in a blue moon......steam veg..like once or twice a year. same with hot dogs....I rarely buy them and when I do I usually but them on the stove in water Re: Microwaves ... Do you have one ? ...What do you use it for ? I use my microwave quite often, but mostly for defrosting warming up leftovers heating up milk melting butter I also cook milk rice in it when I am making a milk rice casserole. Since I have Jamie's 30-minute-meals I also use it to cook potatoes (never done that before!) when I've been working until late and still want oven roasted potatoes as a side. Apart from milk rice and potatoes I've never cooked anything else in the microwave. Oh, I made popcorn in those special microwave bags once or twice, funny, that! Re: Microwaves ... Do you have one ? ...What do you use it for ? I use mine for defrosting in emergencies (when I've forgotten to remove the food from the freezer early enough - which is becoming more frequent) but mainly for grilling as there is an electric grill element incorporated into the unit. I have never used it for cooking. Edit: I tell a lie - I use it for "starting" jacket potatoes (1.5 mins per potato) prior to putting them in the oven.


This paper reports findings from a study into how marketing academics and MBA students view segmentation. The research indicates that both respondent groups view segmentation as being more valuable in helping to understand customers than improving business performance. For MBA students there appears to be no relationship between their reported marketing knowledge and the value attributed to using market segmentation. The findings for academics suggest inconsistencies in how they interpret the value of segmentation and appraise the usefulness of analytical and evaluation approaches.


Pasquale Buzzelli, 34, was on the 22nd floor when the North Tower collapsed after an American Airlines plane was flown into it A structural engineer, who became a legend after 'surfing' down a wave of falling debris during 9/11, has spoken about his miracle survival and how having children has helped him rebuild his life. Pasquale Buzzelli, 43, who working as a structural engineer for the Manhattan Port Authority, was one of the last to evacuate the North Tower as it began to collapse. He claims that he had reached the 22 nd floor when the building collapsed beneath him and he was carried down through a blizzard of debris to the seventh floor, where he was rescued by firefighters. At the time his wife Louise was pregnant with their first child Hope, now ten, and they have since had a second daughter Mia, seven. He suffered survivor's guilt for years afterwards but has finally come to terms with the grief thanks to his family. Mr Buzzeli said: 'Time heals all wounds and you start to experience joy,' he said. 'With the birth of Mia I was finally able to experience those feelings and not feel guilt. In that sense I've realized that the best way to honour those that didn't make it, is to be the best person that I can be.' His story is told in the Discovery Channel and Channel 4 documentary 9/11 The Miracle Survivor which is screened next week on the 11 th anniversary of the disaster. Holding the battered briefcase he was carrying that day, he said: ' I haven't opened this up in quite a few years. I came across it in my basement a couple of years after 9/11. I don't even keep it in the house as it's a constant reminder of that day. Its basically rode down the building with me and its battered and torn and just a reminder of how lucky I was to survive.' His story of survival has divided experts. Shiya Ribowsky, who led the investigation into 9/11, said: 'You know I have a healthy scepticism which is in no way a reflection on this man's character. 'In forensics there are certain statistics about the likelihood of surviving a fall and once you get above five stories then statistics are pretty grim. So you're talking about an exceptional situation. You're talking the wings of angels here.' Time heals all wounds: Pasquale and Louise with their two young daughters Hope, ten, right, and Mia, seven The battered briefcase that fell 15 stories with Buzzelli acts as a constant reminder of the terror that unfolded on the day However Professor Thomas Eager of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has studied the physics of the collapse and believes that the hurricane force wind pushed him down 15 stories. 'His description of a rollercoaster clinched it for me in believing the whole thing,' he said. Mr Buzzelli, who now works in emergency planning for the Port Authority, was in an elevator on his way up to his office the 64 th floor of the North Tower, when the first plane struck at 8.46am. But instead of evacuating the building, he felt a duty to remain at his desk. He and his colleagues at the Port Authority, were watching the news when the second plane hit. They finally began to exit at Stairway B, reaching the 22 nd floor at 10.28am when the tower began to collapse. Wife Louise Buzzelli thought she was never going to see her husband alive again after watching the North Tower collapse on TV Wedding bells: Buzzelli managed to survive the traumas of 9/11 and go on to have two girls with wife Louise The couple also added a second daughter Mia to the family 'I thought something heavy is falling through the stairs or part of the building is collapsing and falling through,' he said. 'I just dove into the stairwell, went into a foetal position, covered my face and hands and buried myself as close to the wall as possible to protect myself from anything falling through. 'It was then that I felt the wall that I was next to and the base of the floor crack open and give way. That's when I knew that that was it: the entire building was going. I said to myself: "My God I can't believe this is. I'm going to die. I thought of my wife, my unborn child.' Pasquale's wife Louise, who was seven months pregnant with their oldest daughter Hope, now ten -- they have a second daughter Mia, six -- watched in horror as the tower collapsed. 'I knew it was over then at that point,' she said. 'I couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't believe that I was there watching this, carrying our first baby. I was a widow and I watched it and there was nothing I could do.' The debris that carried Buzzelli down to the seventh floor eventually ended up among this mess But, incredibly, Pasquale began to freefall down the stairwell until he landed on the seventh floor. He regained consciousness three hours later, surrounded by twisted metal, with a badly injured ankle. 'I was totally numb,' he said. 'I felt nothing at all. I just opened my eyes and saw blue sky.  I really thought I was dead until I started to cough and I started to feel pain in my leg. At that point I started calling out: "Help. Help." Back at Ground Zero, firefighters Mike Lyons and Mike Moribito, who disobeyed orders to search the wreckage, found Pasquale as he was beginning to fear he would be burnt alive. 'He looked like he was in a castle,' said Mike Moribito. 'He was sitting there in broad daylight like a king on top of a hill. I can remember it as clear as day.' Within hours Paquale was in an ambulance on his way to hospital. His first thought was to call his wife Louise. The South Tower burst into flames after being hit at 9:03am on September 11 Where to start? Overwhelmed firefighters were faced with the gruelling task of pulling out survivors from the wreckage ' I picked up the phone and said: "Hello?" she said. 'I heard his voice and he said: "Louise it's me." And I said: "Oh my god Pascale. It's you."  And everyone in the house just screamed. However Pasquale began to suffer from survivors' guilt and it was only a reunion with Mike Lyons, who was also suffered traumatic stress disorder, that brought him out of his depression. Mike's girlfriend Kathryn traced Pasquale and they now meet regularly. 'Time heals all wounds and you start to experience joy,' he said. 'With the birth of Mia I was finally able to experience those feelings and not feel guilt. In that sense I've realized that the best way to honour those that didn't make it, is tot be the best person that I can be.' 9/11 The Miracle Survivor is screened on Channel 4 at 10pm on Monday September 10 and 11.10pm the following night. An e-book We All Fall Down: The True Story of the 9/11 Surfer by Pasquale and Louise Buzzelli is published on Amazon on September 8. Share this article: Comments ( 51 ) Just a note on photo credits: The two photos of ground zero, the one of the firefighters on the pile and the other of the fireman looking at the pile were taken by Michael Rieger/FEMA. Andrea Booher and Michael Rieger, photographers for FEMA spend over 8 weeks capturing the stories of ground zero and created a two photo CD set of image that were sent to all they photographed with the condition they copy and share images. I remembrance this very vaguely as I was young at the time. It only really hit me just what a tragedy it was a few years ago. I am now 20 and I am visiting New York next year to pay my respects. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for the victims, families and people of New York and of course the brave heroes that played their part on that day. Tragedies like this make me feel so silly about getting angry or upset about the little things in life. As long as a plane isn't hitting the office I am a happy lady. The anger I have for the people that did this is undescribable. My hearts are with the people that sadly passed away. Sleep well xxxxx watch the Zeitgeist on Netflix. this was a set up, they tried to bomb the towers years earlier but didn't use enough explosives. i remember seeing people hanging out the windows and jumping to avoid burning to death. i remember hearing dispatch calls on myspace that people posted that I still remember to this day and they send chills down my spine. u could die any day at any age, and you have no say in the matter. luck had nothing to do with this. just destiny. the world is a fup. To those who don't believe this really happened or don't believe it should still effects some of us, I'm very saddened. I am the Red Cross volunteer who not only lost many friends that day, I volunteered tirelessly for months afterwards to help survivors and victim's families & friends. I also helped bring Pasquale together with his FDNY rescuers. Pasquale & Louise Buzzelli have dealt with some really difficult times in the past 11 years & just want this story to be put in the books, not only to let people know about ONE positive story from that awful day, give credit to the real heroes who, quite frankly didn't want to be found & get extra attention, but to also keep this day from sliding too far back into people's minds where it may be forgotten. I was there at the Family Assistance Center where people from all over the world came to deal with their loss. Let it not be forgotten that these terrorist attached The WOLRLD Trade Center....NOT just the United States. -Kathryn Carey So much respect for the survivors and victims of 9/11... The world should never forget them... God,, i remember being 10 years old and coming home from school and seeing the second plane hit the tower. I was gobsmacked. I didnt know any of these people but i do think of them every year, and their families. My country lost 67 victims, We all think of them too, we remember! May they all RIP! Much love Your comments:More proof explosives were used. He said. (3rd Paragraph down) He claims that he had reached the 22nd floor when the building COLLAPSED beneath him and he was carried down through a blizzard of debris to the seventh floor, where he was rescued by firefighters. When i saw the demolition on the news wasn't the building coming dwon from top to bottom? not the other way? Unless floors were been exploded in the collapse to help the collapse?? More proof explosives were used. He said. (3rd Paragraph down) He claims that he had reached the 22nd floor when the building COLLAPSED beneath him and he was carried down through a blizzard of debris to the seventh floor, where he was rescued by firefighters. When i saw the demolition on the news wasn't the building coming dwon from top to bottom? not the other way? Unless floors were been exploded in the collapse to help the collapse??


Join the "urban chicken movement" and raise your own backyard flock. Chickens are both fun and useful to keep. Don't expect to keep a breeding flock with noisy roosters, but your hens will earn their keep and provide enjoyment by laying eggs for you. Chickens can provide you with healthy, home grown eggs and meat, quality nitrogen-rich fertilizer, pest control and companionship. Perhaps surprisingly, a reasonable number of chickens can adapt very well to the constraints of an urban environment; indeed, it's even possible to keep chickens indoors through the use of diapers. Here's your guide to keeping chickens in the city. Check local laws and regulations . It may be illegal for you to own chickens in your city location, so start out by calling the local animal control office or your local municipality and asking what the laws are in your area. More and more ordinances are available online as well, so it's worth doing a search. Since roosters are perceived as noisy, they usually tend to fall under your city's noise or nuisance ordinances. While hens are normally very quiet, they may still be subject to nuisance ordinances. Check the city code before you get your birds and become attached to them! Some cities limit the number of chickens you can have on a given amount of land. In areas that were recently rural or have a strong farming culture, no law or license may be required to keep chickens. If chickens are illegal in your area all is not lost. Many people have managed to get pro-chicken ordinances passed, such as Madison, WI and Ann Arbor MI. However, you may need to be prepared to practice some activism in order to lobby your local authorities. 2 Research the breed and number of chickens you want to keep before you buy them ! There are several ways to choose the chicken breed, such as for their egg-laying prowess, their meat potential or just because they're pretty (sometimes all three reasons coincide). Be aware that many breeds also come in "bantam" size (like "toy" breeds for dog) that are roughly a quarter of the size of large breeds. The Buff Orpington makes a good choice for beginners and comes in both large and bantam sizes. Some friendly layers like Rhode Island Reds or Barred Plymouth Rocks are always a good choice. They are both meat and laying birds and they tend to be easy birds to keep, since they have a very mild temper. Another popular breed are Cochin bantams. These are good layers, are very sweet and make great pets. For beginners, dual purpose breeds are probably a sound first choice. There is a ton of information available on the hundreds of breeds of chickens. Surf online to look for chicken breeds, urban chicken, and city chicken just to start with. There are many online forums comprised of your fellow chicken owners, and they are a great resource for advice, chicks, adults birds and supplies. Some hatcheries also have online forums. 3 Visit other urban dwellers who keep chickens in their backyard and see what they're doing . Ask them for advice and suggestions. If you're the only person you know who is interested in doing this, visit the closest farmer who keeps chickens (especially if you've never had chickens before) and watch and learn. Pay a visit to your local farmers market , see who's selling fresh eggs, and start up a conversation! 4 Build your chickens a good coop out of strong materials. Build your chickens a good coop out of strong materials . The coop is a place where the chickens will spend the night, lay eggs, and get out of the bad weather. There are many different types of coops. If you're handy, you can easily build one using a design you find on the Internet, or something you already have lying around. There are many different types of successful chicken coops that imaginative people have created, made from things as strange as an old pickup truck bed cap to a dog house . The key is to make your coop a safe place for the chickens to lay their eggs and sleep. A rule of thumb is 4 square feet inside the coop per chicken (2 square feet per bantam) and 10 square feet of outdoor space (8 square feet per bantam). The coop should have good air flow and a low roost for your chickens to sleep. Good ventilation is crucial but ensure that there are no drafts. Be aware that hens create a lot of moisture, including high levels of ammonia and carbon dioxide which must be removed regularly, as well as ensuring these elements are vented out. Use removable perches; this is so that they can be taken out and disinfected regularly to kill off mites and other parasites. Build nest/laying boxes where your chickens can cozy up and lay their eggs. The box should be large enough to hold a hen (around 12 inches/30cm square) and include a small lip at the front to help stop eggs from rolling out once laid. A little bit of straw, sawdust or pine needles (not hay as it's not absorbent enough) to make litter for the nest goes a long way. You only need one nest box per four hens. Keep the boxes dark. If you build laying boxes that can be accessed from outside as well as in, you won't need to go inside every time to collect the eggs. The floor should be lined with untreated pine wood chips (cedar can be toxic to chickens), sawdust, straw or pine needles and cleaned once a week. You can use dropping boards to catch droppings under perches; these are easier to remove and clean. Litter collected from the hen house can be turned into great compost for your garden! Prepare adequately for your chickens for the whole year. They will need shade in the summer and heat in the winter . If you live where there are cold winters you may need to set up a heat lamp in the coop or a water heater and make sure you have chosen a cold-hardy breed of chicken. Protect against burrowing vermin such as rats and mice by burying about 6 inches (15cm) of the fencing wire below ground level and curling it outwards. Then when pests try to dig under the wire to get in your coop, they run into the wire instead. Predators are very patient and have all night to get themselves a good chicken dinner, and chickens sleep very soundly. Check the finished coop carefully for dangers such as protruding wires and nails. Chickens are very curious and it's cheaper to prevent accidents than it is to take them to the vet. 5 Give your chickens room to roam . If you have a safely fenced yard or an off-street area, let them wander freely during the day. If you give them a good spot to get out of the weather and up off the ground, they usually won't go very far from it. Often chickens prefer not to go anywhere they can't see their coop from. If you can't let them roam free, try making a little run for them out of hardware cloth (strong, welded wire fencing that has small, square openings -- -- most hardware stores have it by the roll), or if you have to, you can keep them in the coop with a small run attached to it. Don't use chicken wire, as it is way too flimsy and is easily torn into by predators such as dogs, and even humans. Spend a little extra money on good fencing materials and save yourself the heartbreak of finding your birds torn to shreds one day. 6 Purchase food for your chickens before they arrive . Feed supply stores are a good source as well as the Internet . You should have a bag of pelleted poultry feed (for large breeds) or crumble (for bantam breeds). Be aware that the health of the eggs is determined by the health of the feed; for example, protein-rich eggs come from protein-rich feed, while a hen intended for eating will put on weight eating a good balance of protein and carbohydrates. A laying hen needs to eat around 100g of feed each day. Put the feed in a covered feeder and replace it regularly, as it does go stale. Allowed to roam free, chickens are effective weed eaters and insect control -- -- set them loose in your veggie patch. Fresh and cracked corn is a favorite as well as tomatoes, apples and anything baked. You can try growing your own corn, wheat or barley to feed to chickens; all are good sources of protein, although corn is lower in protein than the other crops. Chickens love table scraps. A good rule of thumb: if it's healthy for you, it's usually healthy for your chickens (with the exceptions noted next). However, only feed as many table scraps as the chickens eat within a quarter hour; any more than this and they'll neglect the healthy balanced feed they should be eating. Steer clear of giving your chickens onions and garlic, as it can flavor the eggs. Also, chocolate, raw potatoes, and avocados are toxic to birds and your chickens should never eat any of these food items. Also, never let your chickens eat damp feed; it may have grown molds or toxins which can kill them. Chickens should have access to grit. This is held in their gizzard and helps grind down coarse grain. Use common sense and keep pesticides, antifreeze and other chemicals out of your birds' reach. Clean up uneaten food before it spoils and stinks up their home. 7 Find your chickens. Find your chickens . There are many ways of finding local chicken farmers. Ask around at farmers markets , health food stores and feed supply stores. Check the classifieds for a livestock section. The other option is to purchase your chickens online. Your county fair, 4H Clubs, county agriculture extension service, etc., all are good starting points. You can even buy fertile eggs to incubate and hatch on your own! Hatching your own chicks is an amazing experience, especially for kids. If you decide to do this, be well prepared and do your research -- -- it's fairly easy but you need to be prepared for those little balls of fluff. 8 Keep everything clean . Once every week or two (depending on how many chickens you have in how little space), clean out the coop, wipe down the perches, and scrub down their feeders. If the hens are laying, thoroughly clean their nest boxes, especially if an egg cracked at one point. Keeping their environment clean will reduce the risk of disease and parasites and it'll also keep your neighbors from complaining. 9 Watch your chickens . Check the feed and water every day. Observe them regularly and look for changes in behavior and habits that will alert you to ways you can improve their habitat: Are they eating their food and drinking their water? Always make sure the food and water are fresh, cool, and clean. Are they huddling together in a particular spot? It might be too cold for them, or there could be a draft. Are they breathing heavily? Check that they have enough shade to find a spot where they can cool off. Are they losing feathers? The proverbial "pecking order" may be in effect. If any of the hens are bleeding, consider separating the victim until the hen has healed, as other chickens will continue to peck at the wound. Are they all there? Count your chickens every day, especially if you have more than ten. Find an avian (bird) vet before you need one. 2AM Sunday morning is no time to be stuck running around trying to find someone to treat your chicken! (However, this is only important if you have show quality chickens. Find the local livestock veterinarian for mass problems. Otherwise, chickens take care of themselves pretty well if they have enough food, water, and space.) Find a "chicken sitter" if you ever plan on being away from your home for more than a day. Chickens need to be tended to at least twice a day (to let them out of the coop or put them in, to check their food and water, etc.).If you're not around to do it, you need to get in touch with someone who's responsible and comfortable with this task. Buy a book on keeping chickens for reference. You'll find yourself referring to it frequently at the beginning. Over time, you'll find yourself updating it! Tell your neighbors what you're doing. They're less likely to get upset over a wandering chicken in their yard every once in a while if they know where it came from. Better yet, turn them into allies by giving them free eggs! You will likely end up with more eggs than you will know what to do with. Protect the outdoor run from hawks or other predatory birds by draping bird netting over it and tying it down. Bird netting is very cheap and, without it, you may be inviting hawks over for a daily feast. If there is no one in your area to buy chicks from, try mail ordering them. Keep in mind, you may have to order quite a few, but this will allow you to order just hens and you don't need a rooster for good eggs! Try to keep your chicken hobby as cute and clean as possible. No one likes living next to an ugly, smelly mess. By ordering plans to build a cute "city friendly" coop or purchasing a ready-made one, you fend off a lot of problems before you begin. Check online for plants in your yard that may be toxic, as chickens love to eat greenery and your garden is 'on the menu'! It follows that you should never use pesticide spray on or around plants that chickens may eat, and never use slug and snail killer pellets as they will kill your birds. Chickens naturally scratch and dig in the dirt with much gusto, so don't expect them to steer clear of your prize-winning petunia patch. If you don't want them to eat it and/or dig it up, fence it off. Be careful what you use to clean the chicken coop with; ensure that it is non-toxic. Also, when cleaning, consider wearing a respiratory mask to protect you from any airborne parasites, especially if you are sickly or liable to respiratory illnesses. Always wear gloves when cleaning out bird droppings. Roosters are loud! All male chickens love to crow and they do it in the morning, noon, night and every chance they get in-between. Keep that in mind if you have close neighbors. Hens, on the other hand, are not as noisy, but they do cackle loudly here and there. Chickens can carry diseases just like any other outdoor animal, so if you have very small children, make sure you monitor their contact. Tell them to wash their hands after petting them, and never kiss a chicken. Educate yourself on chicken health, including common diseases and parasites, many of which can be carried in by wild birds. Consider what you will do with unwanted birds. If you're hatching your own chickens, about half of them will be roosters. They can't be kept together because they'll kill each other and harm the hens as well. Likewise, if your main reason for keeping chickens is for the eggs, remember that chickens can live 8-10 years but only have a productive life (one egg every 1.5 days) of about 2-3 years. It's not easy to find homes for roosters and unproductive chickens, and usually your only option is to sell them for meat. However, keeping older chickens is often an option. They don't eat quite as much, but still produce delicious eggs. The roosters make good chicken jerky if you're ambitious. Be aware that rooster meat is pretty tough and would rarely make something like fried chicken taste good. 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