所以,现在江湖上出现了我们开篇提的这个神奇说法:回答完亚瑟·阿伦的三十六个问题,陌生人也能相爱!
下面小力就带你来看看亚瑟阿伦的36个问题到底是哪三十六个问题,竟如此神奇:
1. 如果你能在全世界任选一个人和你共进晚餐,你会选谁?
2. 你想出名吗?你希望以什么样的方式成名?
3. 打电话前,你会预演你即将要说的话吗?为什么?
4. 对你来说,“完美”的一天是什么样的?
5.上一次一个人唱歌是什么时候?和别人一起是什么时候?
6. 如果你能够活到90岁,并能在你生命的最后60年保留一个30岁的人所拥有的精神或身体,你会选择哪个?
7. 你内心能预感自己何时会离世吗?
8. 说出3个你和对方在外表上的共同特征。
9. 生命中什么事情让你感激不尽?
10. 如果你可以改变自己的成长轨迹,你希望改成什么样子?
11. 用4分钟尽可能详细地告诉对方你的生活故事。
12. 如果明天醒来你可以获得一个品质或一种能力,你希望是什么?
13. 如果有颗水晶球能向你揭示关于你自己、你的生活、你的未来,或是其他任何事情的真相,你想知道些什么?
14. 你有没有一直梦想要做的事情?为什么没有做呢?
15. 你人生中最大的成就是什么?
16. 一段友谊中,你最重视的是什么?
17. 珍贵中最珍贵的事情是什么?
18. 记忆中最可怕的事情是什么?
19. 如果你知道一年后你会突然离世,你会改变现在的生活方式吗?为什么?
20. 朋友对你来说意味着什么?
21. 恋爱和感情在你的生活中扮演着什么样的角色?
22. 逐个列出对方好的一面,共列举5个。
23. 你的家庭成员彼此亲密吗?氛围温馨吗?你觉得你的童年比大部分人都开心吗?
24. 你和母亲的关系如何?
25. 用“我们”组3个基于现有场景的句子,比如,我们在这个房间都感觉……
26. 把这个句子补充完整:“我希望有个人能跟我分享……”
27. 如果你想和对方成为亲密的朋友,请列举出对他/她来说最重要的事情。
28. 告诉对方你喜欢他/她的地方,这一次你要非常诚恳,说一些你平常不会跟刚认识的人说的话。
29. 和对方分享人生中最尴尬的时刻。
30. 上一次你在他人面前哭是什么时候?是莫名地哭吗?
31. 告诉对方你已经喜欢他/她很久了。
32. 有没有什么事情是你认为非常严肃,不能开玩笑的?
33. 假如你今晚会离世,并且没有机会跟任何人交流,你最后悔没有对谁吐露心声?为什么到现在还没有对这个人说出想说的话?
34. 你的房子着火了,所有的财产都在里面。救出了亲人和宠物之后,如果你还有时间最后努力一次,并且安全地挽救任何一件物品,你会选择什么?为什么?
35. 如果有家庭成员去世,你认为谁的离开最让你恐慌?为什么?
36. 说一个个人问题并询问对方的处理意见,让对方向你反馈,你对这个问题所表现出的态度。
看完这36个问题有什么感受,是不是层层深入,直抵内心?那么,亚瑟阿伦的这36个问题为什么能让两个陌生人迅速建立亲密关系呢?接下来就带你来看看原理:
亚瑟·阿伦的三十六个问题背后的心理学原理也很经典:自我暴露理论。
自我暴露(Self-disclosure)是社会心理学尤其是人际交往研究领域颇受人关注的问题之一。自我暴露的意思是一个人自发地、有意识地向另一个人暴露自己真实且重要的信息。
跟一个人的关系从陌生到亲密,是从建立“共情”开始的,简言之,就是能够从对方的角度看到并理解这个世界,共情能让彼此产生信任,如果你确信对方理解你你也能理解对方的心声,自然会有一种“知己”的感觉。
共情的前提,是对方愿意向我们暴露真实的一面。
自我暴露是一件很难完成的事情,你可以想象一下当你接到推销电话时的措辞和状态,以及你跟闺蜜死党聊天时候的措辞和状态,就能体会到其中的不同。
我们仔细观察这36个问题可以发现,这些问题中有大量的引导表达观点和表达感受的问题,从而引导两个人更高效的自我暴露,达成亲密关系。
附:亚瑟·阿伦的三十六个问题英文原版
The 36 questions which can make anyone fall in love with you:
Set One
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set Two
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set Three
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The last, terrifying, element of this experiment requires the two participants to stare into each other's eyes for four minutes.