Task: Sentiment Analysis
Input (English): to put it bluntly , ed wood would have been proud of this .
a totally ridiculous plot is encompassed with bad humor , hokey drama , zero logic and a crap screenplay .
also , a beautifully anti - climactic ending .
not to say it did n't look intriguing when i saw the previews .
so much for truth in advertising .
roland emmerich , who 's later " independence day " would look like " the 400 blows " compared to this , co - writed and directed this inane sci - fi film which uses the cliche of there being some connection between eqypt and aliens .
in a useless opening sequence , men find a stone in 1914 with hieroglyphics on it .
it would n't be till present day ( ' 94 ) till they would actually figure it out .
they 're decipherer ?
a slightly - neurotic scientist ( nice twist ) , dr .
dan jackson ( james spader , doing his best outside of erotic thrillers and some indy fare ) who 's life sucks so much that people walk out of his lectures after the third word .
why do they use him to decipher what no one else could ?
so there is a hokey ending !
duh !
he figures it out in about a minute .
yea .
and then they get a suicidal colonel or something
, " jack " o'neill ( kurt russel , with his wyat earp locks in the beginning then a flat - top that would make howie long snap into a fetal position ) .
why a suicidal colonel ?
for the ending !
you 'll get the hang of this .
they open the stargate , a bunch of them go through it with a bomb to blow it up if they find anything bad .
after an overdone special effects thing , they 're . . .
inside a goddam pyramid .
so they went to egypt ,
right ?
wrong .
they 're on another planet that was filmed in egypt .
they discover a cilvilization ruled by ra , the sun god ( the androginous jaye davidson , with a voice modifier to make him sound like barry white with asthma ) , and there are fights , explosions and a kiss between two people .
yea .
also melodrama , stupidity , hokey scenes and a bizarre language .
an anti - climactic ending ends with stupid lines ( " say hello to king tut , asswhole ! "
- the quintessential line , lemme tell ya ) and some convenient pesudo - pseudo - pseudo - character development .
by the end , you just wanna go home and watch , i do n't know , the " outer limits " or something .
the script 's terrible .
the special effects are okay , but nothing great .
the story 's so weak that it 's almost opaque
.
the whole experience just is n't worth it unless you 're so bored that you 'd consider watching a " full house " marathon . . .
or this .
i 'd pick this , obviously , but still ,
it 's just not fun at all .
and i ca n't wait for it to premier on mst3k .
Output (English): N