Title: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Content: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is a 1990 low-budget comedy horror British movie. It has a plot about a motorcycle possessed by an evil spirit. It is set in a suburb of Birmingham, England. It is about a man named Noddy and his girlfriend Kim. They operate a motorcycle courier business. One day Noddy buys a classic motorbike, an 850cc Norton Commando. He restores the motorbike. The motorbike is possessed by the evil spirit of a man. The spirit was summoned by an occultist who was killed by a motorbike gang. The bike starts up by itself. It rides on its own and kills people. It targets members of the Hells Angels. Michael Elphick plays Inspector Cleaver. Anthony Daniels plays an eccentric priest. The priest attempts to exorcise the bike's evil spirit. ==Plot== During a satanic ritual, a motorbike gang kills an occultist with a crossbow. An evil spirit inhabits a damaged bike. Noddy is then seen purchasing the motorcycle from a dealer. It costs him £1100. He tells Kim he only paid £600. He takes it home to repair it. His friend, Buzzer, and girlfriend, Kim, help him. They repair the damage caused by the crossbow. They replace the fuel tank. Buzzer steals the petrol cap for "funsies". The bike kills Buzzer by cutting off his head. The motorbike has become a bloodthirsty monster. Noddy goes to the scene of the crime. There he meets an inspector who smells like garlic. Later, Noddy has a bad dream that the inspector gives him Buzzer's head in a bag. He dreams that it talks to him. He then wakes up. Noddy and Kim go to the pub. They order a large vodka tonic and a pint of cider. Then ten of the bikers from the beginning come in and shoot the bar with the crossbow. One then offers to show Kim his "chopper" while she is playing pool. She declines, claiming not to have brought her magnifying glass. He then takes an axe and attacks the pool table. A bar wide brawl of 10 bikers starts. Kim manages to leave. She rides the bike to the back of the pub. Noddy jumps from the first floor on to the motorbike. He gets shot with a crossbow bolt. They order a Chinese meal. When Kim orders garlic prawns, the bike goes mad. It drives off with her. It takes her under a bridge. It throws her off. It makes advances on her. It stops when it sees a crucifix around her neck. It drives off back to the pub. Chopper attempts to steal it. The bike stabs him through the leg with a large metal spike. It then launches him at some graffiti artists. It then proceeds to exact its revenge on the rest of the gang. It decapitates the majority. It leaves Roach with a bolt inserted into his posterior. Noddy finds out Kim has been taken to hospital. She describes the bike's advances. She has a hollow look in her eyes. It is then seen that the inspector is looking at some heads. Noddy then goes to a priest. The priest also has a motorcycle. They travel to the garage where the bike is kept. The priest is sarcastic. He does not believe Noddy. Not wanting to be taken into the sunlight, the bike uses its brake lever to cut off the priest's fingers. Determining the bike is a vampire, the priest decides to do an exorcism. Believing the bike will come back for Kim, the priest gives her some garlic. The vampire bike disables the bike Noddy and the priest are riding. They wait for a bus. It is a race against the sun to get to the vampire bike before nightfall. During the exorcism, the priest is hit in the head with a spanner. Noddy is blown around the room by a mysterious wind, knocking him into cupboards. The priest is then crucified with a crown of barbed wire. The priest sprinkles holy water. This makes the bike angry. It grows spikes and glows red. Noddy runs off and steals a police motorcycle. He drags the policeman behind him. The policeman is almost run over by the vampire bike. The bike is chased by a police car. The priest attempts to explain it to the authorities. Kim is washed removing her garlic. The bike evades the police by driving vertically down a wall. It goes to the hospital to finish off Kim. It cuts the tea lady in two. Kim uses her crucifix to scare it away. The motorbike goes after Roach. Roach crashes and lands in a coffin. He is presumed dead. The bike then goes for Noddy but gets its front wheel stuck in a bridge. Noddy throws it in a river. Thinking he is safe, Noddy has a victory smoke. The audience sees a red-light under the water. Noddy then sees it and screams. He runs around like a lunatic. He hides in a gym. The bike doesn't take long to find him. It starts attacking the patrons with its spikes. Noddy then bashes the bike. It pretends to die. Everyone feels safe, until it starts throwing people's limbs in the air. The inspector scares it with his smell. The bike manages to trap Noddy against a wall. Noddy turns on a sun bed. Everyone uses their crucifix and/or garlic breath to force it into the light and it melts. Kim asks how much Noddy really spent on the bike. The priest says they are usually reliable. Back in Noddy's workshop, he accidentally cuts his hand. The blood drips onto the bike's old fuel tank which springs open, leaving the audience expecting a sequel. ==Cast== *Neil Morrissey - Noddy *Amanda Noar - Kim *Michael Elphick - Inspector Cleaver *Anthony Daniels - Priest *Andrew Powell - Roach *George Rossi - Chopper *Daniel Peacock - Buzzer *Midge Taylor - First Road Toad *David Daker - Desk Sergeant *Burt Kwouk - Fu King Owner *Brendan Donnison - Satanist High Priest *Graham Padden - Dorm *Paula Ann Bland - Hospital Nurse *Terence Budd - Bikes *Ann Casson - Mrs. Bancroft *Douglas Campbell - Mr. Bancroft *Ed Devereaux - Pub Landlord *Colin Campbell - Moped *John Wolskel - Clyde *Solly Assa - Victor *Esta Charkham - Mrs. P.C. Harold