Product: Beowulf (1999)
Rating: 1.0
There are generations of poem-singers spinning in their graves.
Beowulf (Graham Baker, 1999)The best thing I can say about the tragedy that is Graham Baker's "update" of Beowulf is that the first interminable fight scene uses, as its background music, Prodigy's remix of Front 242's "Religion", which was the best work that either Front 242 or Prodigy ever did. Of course, if you recognize the names Front 242 and Prodigy, you're probably wondering why either would be on the soundtrack of a movie set in the eighth century. Now you know where Brian Helgeland got at least one idea for (the not much better) A Knight's Tale.In case you've somehow missed it for the past twelve hundred years, the plot has to do with Beowulf (in this case, played by Highlander's Christopher Lambert) coming to the aid of Hrothgar (Raindogs' Oliver Cotton) against the monster Grendel (veteran creature performer Vincent Hammond and a lot of CGI that's actually pretty decent). That, however, is where the similarity to the epic poem ends. The most striking departure, unless you're a geek like me, is the addition of Hrothgar's beautiful daughter Kyra (Doomsday's Rhona Mitra) and the inevitable love-theme subplot, this one treated as a triangle between Kyra, Beowulf, and the captain of Hrothgar's guard (Der Untergang's Götz Otto). Also, the farther along we get, the more ridiculous (to the geeks) the plot departures get. Suffice to say Beowulf is no longer King of the Geats, but he may have another throne waiting for him...It's everything you'd expect from a Christopher Lambert movie; the acting is atrocious, the action scenes are overwrought, the script is ridiculous. Rhona Mitra is always a welcome addition to any bad movie, but there's only so much staring one can do (and she's not always onscreen). Do yourself a favor and steer far clear of this monstrosity. (half)