Product: Super Mario Bros. [VHS] (1993)
Rating: 2.0
Oh Dear God.
Never in my life have I seen such wonderful abuse of a license such as this. The Mario Bros. games have a very simple canon that's nearly impossible to screw up: Bowser kidnaps Princess, Mario rushes to rescue, things get stomped on, Mario gets some. Of course, it's much been overstated that this movie gets nothing (and when I say nothing, I mean they couldn't even get the absolutely awesome concept of a gigantic fire-breathing turtle villain right) right, so I'll focus on everything else that hasn't much been covered.We'll start with the acting. Bob Hoskins tries his best to put on a respectable Mario, and John Leguizamo is only decent as Luigi. Princess Daisy may be the worst actress in the entire span of human history, and Dennis Hopper... crikey, I was more frightened by DOCTOR EVIL than his Koopa. The rest of the cast is a mishmash of rejects who couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag.Speaking of wet paper bags, that's about as solid as the plot is. Why is a small meteor striking an insignificant planet enough to create a rift that blows the entire universe asunder? Why does the meteor's reassembly cause the dimensions to merge? Why do Koopa's two goons recognize Daisy by her "two arms, two legs, and one head," when EVERYONE IN THEIR WORLD ALSO HAS THESE FEATURES? Where in the circles of Dante's Abyss did Mario's girlfriend come from, and why in the world should we care about her? Why should we believe that Koopa's army will take over the mammal world when the villain has all of the genius, organization, and raw cunning of a monkey whose brain has been replaced with ham salad? Why on both Earths did they leave the ending wide open for a sequel?In typical five-paragraph format, I bring you now to the script. There's nothing that's said that gives us any reason to feel anything about any of the characters. When a movie contains the line, "I have problems." "Well, I have a van," you know you're in for a world of cinematic hurt.So why am I giving this absolute train wreck to end all train wrecks 2 stars? Comedy--pure and simple. Fans of God-awful movies will have two hours of riotous laughter in store when they pop in Super Mario Bros. Parts of this movie are so incredibly terrible, they somehow manage to border on genius. The scene where Mario dances with the rotund Big Bertha (and her subsequent shift to the side of 'the good guys') is a perfect example of how stupidity can somehow come full circle into something strangely hilarious. Like a sports bloopers reel, when this movie fails, it fails so wonderfully that you can't put it down. And when a movie's this bad, if it doesn't have that, it has nothing.