Product: xXx [VHS] (2002)
Rating: 1.0
Vin Diesel Cannot Act, Rob Cohen Cannot Direct
"xXx" can be summed up in four words: "Joylessly Over The Top". It is easily the dumbest movie I have seen in a long career of enjoying dumb movies, and that's saying A LOT. I liked "Deep Rising", for God's sake.You all know the story: Extreme Sports maverick Xander "XXX" Cage is given a choice by the government: Work as a secret agent, or go to prison for life. He chooses option A. And so this train wreck of a movie begins. Lets start with the story. As a dumb action movie, I am inclined to ignore the gaping plot holes and let myself enjoy the action. This is allowed in most dumb movies. However, you need some convincing performances or at least some good lines to make this forgiveable. "xXx" has none of these, save a good turn by Samuel L. Jackson as Diesel's recruiter and contact in the NSA. Now, the NSA has no field agents in real life. The only people they recruit are number crunchers who can sift through encripted data and listen in on conversations. And they certainly don't have the kind of secret weapons cache like the one Diesel gets in this flick. At least Bond film have the good sense to make him MI-6, a real British spy agency that MIGHT have stuff like the gear Bond gets. Why not make the agency the CIA? I mean, at least the CIA has operatives. I don't know why this bothered me so much, but perhaps it's because I've read books on the subject and the stupidity of Hollywood is getting to me.Anyway, Back to Samuel L. He's always good, but in this movie he is only serviceable. Still, compared to Vin Diesel, Jackson turns in a performance of Shakesperean power. Diesel is that bad in these scenes. I was actually embarrassed for him when I saw him act alongside Jackson. Ah-nold would make a more convincing Hamlet than Diesel does in this role. Of course, when he's along other bad actors like Asia Argento(Generic Female Counterpart) and Marton Csokas(Generic Russian Bad Guy), he seems serviceable. The movie would have been better if they had cast, say, Eric Roberts in the Jackson role, since he can't act either. At least than Vin wouldn't look lost in his scenes with him.The plot is neo-Bond with a techno/metal soundtrack, in which a group called "Anarchy 99" plans to wipe out a whole bunch of people using toxic gas and a lame submarine. Vin has to infiltrate them and stop them. Why the US government would send an untried agent against these guys is never explained, as nothing Diesel does couldn't have been done with someone they gave a deep background to. Despite the opening scene, where a Bond-lookalike gets offed, the government actually trains operatives to infiltrate groups like this.On to the direction. Rob Cohen proved with "The Fast and the Furious" that he is a heavily incompetent action director(Forget acting. Anyone who heard Diesel perform the line "I live my life a quarter mile at a time" in that mess knows Cohen can't direct actors). The digital scenes in "Furious" looked awful, and they look awful here as well. The action is blown over the top in an attempt to make up fot the shoddy directing. With the exception of one memorable scene involving the destruction of a corvette, everything in "xXx" is uninvolving and unoriginal. Hence the tern "joyless". It's all a technical excercise. There is no sense of danger, as Diesel is apparently able to do 18 things at once and never appears at risk. Cohen should be locked away for his many crimes against cinema.All in all, I hated this movie(could you tell?). I wanted my money back. I want Vin Diesel to stick to roles like Riddick in "Pitch Black", where his dialouge is minimal. Avoid buying this one and pick up an old Bond movie or even the flawed but interesting "Minority Report". You'll thank yourself later.