Product: Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)
Rating: 3.0
"But the Beauty Knob Goes to Eleven . . ."
The one thing everyone must say about Audrey Wells' "Under the Tuscan Sun" is that it is visually stunning. Restraint is completely abandoned in this Oprah-ready tale of a beautiful divorcee (Diane Lane) "finding herself" in the postcard-perfect Tuscan hillside. Yes, this is a movie for those who sprinkle extra sugar on their cotton candy.This is the kind of movie that won't give you a gorgeous shot of an old church -- rather, we'll give you a gorgeous shot of an old church on a picturesque Tuscan hillside as the camera peeks over a bank of photogenic sunflowers in full bloom. Not content to show the gorgeous Diane Lane exchanging sweet nothings with a gorgeous Italian hunk on a gorgeous Italian beach, Ms. Wells feels obliged to throw a kitten -- yes, a freaking kitten -- into the scene for no reason other than to send the cuteness scale over the top.Ms. Lane stars in this ode to returning to basics - it is revealing that noboby I've talked to about the movie knows her character's name. In a plot device straight out of a gripe session on "The View," Ms. Lane gets divorced by her philandering husband -- and thanks to California's heartless divorce laws, she ends up living in the divorcee's flat while he keeps the posh San Francisco house. Massive depression ensues, as evidenced by Ms. Lane's furrowed brow. Let's just say that the stellar acting job Diane Lane gave us in "Unfaithful" is nowhere to be found in "Tuscan Sun."Ms. Lane's stereotypically supportive lipstick lesbian friends try to buck up her spirits by sending her on a trip to Tuscany -- but it's a gay trip, get it! Actually, the gay tour offers one of the movie's few genuine laughs with its appellation, "Gay and Away!" Diane spots a "for sale" sign on a picturesque Tuscan villa and, after some hapless negotiating and some timely bird crap, she buys it.We then enter a long series of scenes as Diane begins to restore the villa -- for those of you who were perhaps wondering if there would be a delightful parallel between the rehabilitation of the villa and Ms. Lane's personal rehabilitation, you won't be surprised. Again, the movie ain't subtle. Employing a trio of lovable Polish cardboard cutouts as laborers, Diane returns "Bramasole" to its villa-ish glory. Naturally, after living in Tuscany for a few weeks, Ms. Lane discovers that she has already mastered Tuscan cuisine, and the movie gives us several shots of her presenting her friends and laborers with meals that could be on the cover of a Tuscan cookbook. Unfortunately, "Tuscan Sun" is not that interested in food beyond its photogenics -- those looking for another "Big Night" will be horribly disappointed.Of course, Ms. Lane must find her self romantically involved. To say this aspect of the story is handled poorly is an understatement. Her realtor achieves a cinematic first -- he offers to sleep with Diane while simultaneously confirming his devotion to his wife. And just about when the audience is expecting Diane to find herself a man, lo and behold she runs into a charming soul who looks like a champion Italian tennis player.Several other sub-plots are handled in similarly skin-deep fashion. This is the kind of movie that doesn't interject a serious love interest for Ms. Lane until the last five minutes, and he really only gets about two or three lines of dialogue . . . but visually the movie tells you that he is the one to complete our heroine.All in all, "Tuscan Sun" is an inoffensive, light-hearted, beautiful romp through nonsense. To borrow a Shakespearean title, "Much Ado About Nothing" completely fits. That being said, the movie can play a role if you find yourself completely depressed (or lacking in travel plans) -- Tuscany is a wonderful tonic. At least the movie got that right, if nothing else.The DVD has virtually no extras to recommend it.