Product: Beowulf (1999)
Rating: 2.0
Poorly Done
To call this version of Beowulf mediocre wouldn't be appropriate to the level of blandness that it brings to the screen. There's relatively little to like in this post-apocalyptic recasting of the ancient poem, itself a 10th Century Christianized retelling of an even older pagan myth.Christopher Lambert stars (which should tell you most of what you need to know already) and does almost as a good job of acting as he did in the Highlander movies, which is to say not that well at all. To be fair, he isn't given much to work with here and neither is the rest of the cast (more on them later.) He pretty much broods around the screen with a perpetual scowl on. He's also very little like the Beowulf of legend. This version of Beowulf is an abomination (I don't want to say too much for fear of giving away the story) and is thankfully a virtual martial arts master as well. Ironically, for all of his talent he is unable to best Grendal nearly as easily as the original Beowulf who in one fight ripped the beast's arm off.The cast is mostly a joke. It's clear that the director felt that recasting the tale in the future would give him more possibilities. After all, in the 10th century there were few women who liked to put their men to shame by kicking more butt then they could. And they also didn't care to dress with as little clothing as possible. As hard as it might be for our culture to realize, there was a time when modesty was a virtue. Also very rare among the 10th century Danes were black men who's sole purpose was comic relief. But fear not, this movie's got that angle covered. The king is well cast and is mostly sympathetic. But he ends up being part of the largest disaster to come along in this long, sad line of disasters.Because see, what would Beowulf be without lots of sex? Oh wait, the original didn't have sex, you say? Eh, it should have. And this movie makes sure that you know that it's all about sex. Thankfully, we're spared most of the details but by the end (and again, I can't say too much without ruining the end) it's perfectly clear that no tale can stand up against our sex obsessed culture. Add to this a ridiculous interpretation of Grendal's mother and you're thankfully almost to the end of this garbage. As a note to those who are familiar with the poem, the movie does not cover the final third of Beowulf's story and barely manages to include a horribly mangled version of the middle third. Hollywood still seems obsessed with a "happy" ending and so that is what we get, albiet a shallow and absurd happy ending considering the rest of the movie.If techno music, overly-choreographed fights re-using the same moves several times, shallow characters, mediocre effects, and flat acting are your idea of a good time...then go and pick this movie up. Otherwise, unless you're a hardcore science fiction fan, you'll want to stay away from it. For those of us addicted to sci-fi, it's probably worth seeing once just to say you have seen it. But after that, there isn't much there.