Product: xXx [VHS] (2002)
Rating: 1.0
Triple Ridiculous!!
This movie is what the outcome would of been if MTV's "Extreme Sports" had been given a big budget and had thrown in some throwaway plot device. This movie does have some of the usual spy movie things that everyone is accustomed too. There are girls, fast cars, chases, weapons, gadgets, explosions, and all of that. What it doesn't have is charm, emotion, fear, humor, character, or soul. It is completely empty. This is not Bond, and they are trying hard not to be. What a shame. Even though the deisgn of the end credits is obviously a rip-off of Bond's opening credit sequences. Vin Diesel may have the braun to be an action hero, but he doesn't have the talent or personality to make it worthwhile. A bit of that later. The movie was directed with hammy, over the top style by Rob Cohen, who directed Vin in "The Fast And The Furious". The movie starts off with a Bond like character getting shot while in the middle of a rave. Very unsubtle and ridiculous. Thus begins the movie. Vin plays Xander Cage. His name is the only thing I like about this movie. He is an extreme sports enthusiast who videotapes all of his escapades. His introduction is one of them, and it's meaningless and pointless. He is recruited by a national security agency under the watch of Augustus Gibbons(Samuel L. Jackson). Why Jackson took a nothing role with bad make-up and wig is beyond me. The agency has picked Xander as a new recruit to go and stop a villain named Yuri from destroying the city of Prague with a biological weapon. In the process, he gets involved with the man and falls for his lady Elena, who is played by Asia Argento. She is pretty and alluring in an odd, tough kind of way. Basically, there is no need for a plot when the only thing this film tries to do is to set up big action pieces that, most of the time, are not very well structured and seemed to be set up just for the sake of having something exciting happen. Many stunts and action pieces are so over the top that they are laughable. They made the movie as if they were taking it seriously, but you can't take this thing seriously. Obviously, they think that bigger muscles and action that is kicked up several gears makes for a better movie and a better secret agent. Wrong. It's just over the top and beyond anything remotely plausible. Not that it has to be plausible. This is a mindless action film, and you are not going to get reality, but one would prefer some stuff that is not so gigantic that it leaves you with no feeling at all. Later Bind films have kicked up the action, and some are hard to believe, but it has a more fantasy laced feel to it, and it feels like it fits. This one tries to be real, but it's as fake and cartoony as it gets. The humor is unbearable. They tried to do the Bond quips, and they fail horribly. They came too quick and there were too many early on. It doesn't help that Diesel had an awful delivery and showcased no comedic talent whatsoever to deliver those lines. Actually, all of the dialogue was quite limp and uninspired. Diesel seems like a decent guy in real life, but he can't act his way out of a paper bag. He comes across as a monotone, wooden neanderthal with no charisma or personality. You can't root for him in the film because he doesn't bring any kind of feeling in his character that would make you care if he died or lived. Same with Argento. But, he has muscles, and to some people that means talent. It just means he can flex his arm. We can all do that. He is the same thing in every movie. I wanted to get into the movie. I really did. It was just a hard, cold, unfeeling film that left you with nothing but 2 hours wasted. It's a film and a character that will long be forgotten from your memory by the time you get up from your seat. We need a secret agent who has been around the block. We need a character with feeling and passion. Not a dude who gets his kicks of driving cars off bridges and filming it just for kicks. 007, you have nothing to worry about.