Product: Constantine [Blu-ray] (2012)
Rating: 1.0
Constantine
Why can't I give this movie less than one star?! This movie does not deserve one star. It deserves as little praise as it can get. This is probably the dumbest movie that I have seen in a long time... and I have been watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 lately as well, which is really saying something about the quality of this movie.The "story" follows John Constantine (Keanu Reeves), a man who is sort of a paranormal investigator/exorcist. In a way, he is like Blade, except there aren't any vampires. We later learn that he does this because he is trying to buy his way into heaven after he committed suicide and was physically dead for about 2 minutes (Earth time). He soon meets Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz), a cop whose sister Isabel (also Weisz) has just committed suicide herself, which didn't fit with her character at all. She seeks Constantine's help, and they begin to realize that the forces of the Devil are gearing up to try to infest our world.Also, there is this thing called the Spear of Destiny (although it's more of a dagger) which so important that the movie starts out with a textual description of it, and then goes to a shot of some guy in Mexico finding it (although they never explain how this dagger, which has been missing since Nazi Germany fell, got all the way to Mexico wrapped in a Nazi flag). Then, we never really see it again until the end of the movie, with one brief little appearance in the middle.The cast is awful. [...] I didn't mind Keanu Reeves'erformance in The Matrix (the first one), but then again, the movie wasn't dependent on a good performance; it could survive without a strong lead. This movie needed a competant leading actor to carry it because the story sure wasn't going to. Rachel Weisz, who I usually see as a talented actress seemed to be going through the motions in this movie, which I guess is understandable. But I would have to say that one of the worst things about the cast is that Shia LaBeouf plays the EXACT SAME CHARACTER HE PLAYED IN I, ROBOT! He had the same role (stupid, underappreciated sidekick who wants to be the hero), same mannerisms, and same path (except for the characters' final fates). The rest of the cast was pretty much like Weisz, just kind of going through the motions.Effects: terrible sound effects (one of the demons sounded a lot like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies) and really [bad] CGI; nothing looked remotely real or believable. Not that the movie itself was much better in the field of believability. Many things were left unanswered or unaddressed, and even some things avoided explanation because the characters already knew what certain things meant. The Angela Dodson character didn't need to be told what the Spear of Destiny was because she learned about it in Catholic school (I was with some friends who attended Catholic school for years, and none of them had ever heard the term Spear of Destiny). I have to admit that I saw this at an advance screening (so it was free), and the projectionist screwed up while changing a reel, so we missed about 10 seconds of dialogue. Right when it came back up, Dodson said something like, "But I guess you already knew that". I don't know, maybe if we had heard those lost 10 seconds, the movie would be better, but it is very unlikely.Strangely, I found myself laughing a lot at this movie, even though it is definitely not a comedy. The only thing that was actually supposed to be funny, though, was probably the best thing in the movie. Oh, but I did have a great time making fun of this movie. Some other titles that I considered were "A Mistake of Biblical Proportions" or "Holy (expletive deleted)!".[...]