Product: Batman Begins (Two-Disc Deluxe Edition) (2005)
Rating: 1.0
Flight of the Winged Rat
"Batman Begins" is a great example of what happens when good guys (Chris Nolan, Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman) go bad. And I don't mean dudding themselves up in a batcape and fighting crime: I mean turning out a superhyped, yawn-inducing stinker like "Batman Begins".So with that: 10 Reasons why the once-talented Chris Nolan's hopelessly tedious, depression/sleep-inducing greenish-tinted floater stinks up the joint:1)It's dull. Achingly so. It goes on and on, and just when you think it's about to exhaust itself and die---it goes on and on.2) It's dull, did I mention that? How can you make a story about a psychopath vigilante who duds himself up in a flouncy cape and tights dull? I dunno, but Nolan did it.3) It's Dark. *Really* Dark.By that I mean it's underlit: it's hard to see anything, because Nolan doesn't know how to light his sequences.4) The action sequences bite, hard. Why? Because the camera is shoved up against the Batman's left nostril: every fight sequence is close-cut, cropped, psycho-edited, and so tightly shot that you can't see who's BAMFING and BAPPING and THWAPPING who. So maybe it's best that it's so dark it's impossible to see what's happening because---well, nothing really is.5) The "Batmobile" (basically a huge, hideous, mutant farm tractor spray-painted black) drives around on the rooftops of Gotham. Yes, really.When I think Dark, Brooding, Vigilante Justice, I think the original, sleek, armored-up Batmobile of the Burton masterpiece. I do *not* think John Deere lower-40 special, tooling around amongst the chimney-pots of Gotham City.6)Batman (Christian Bale, who tries, dammit, he really tries) is played as psychotic yuppie (a la American Psycho), or a fluty voiced drag-queen. C'mon, listen to the Voice: tell me, if you were a Gotham criminal, you wouldn't die giggling.6)Batman doesn't loom, or hulk, or menace: he squats.Not crouches, squats.This is meant to suggest coiled rage: it suggests, instead, a man in the final, lethal stages of terminal, chronic constipation.7)Qui-Gon Jin (Liam Neeson) is in this movie, playing Qui-Gon Jin channeling Oprah by way of Dr. Phil. Oh, and Ra's Al-Ghul, evidently, is Arabic for "I wear cheesy facial hair".8) The chief villain, Potato Sack, wears a potato-sack over his head. No, honestly, a potato-sack. This is meant to just TERRIFY you, man, scare you senseless.Why does he wear a potato sack over his head? My theory: so he doesn't have to watch "Batman Begins" like you, chump. Oh, and he sprays his victims with some kind of hallucinogenic spray. I actually *envied* the Scarecrow's victims: at least they experienced an emotion other than sleep, apathy, boredom, or raw contempt, all of which this movie induces in spades.9) Katie Holmes and her hideously scary hands. Some advice, Katie: next time spend a little of the money you're blowing in the Scientology bunker having your engrams removed---on acting lessons.10) "Batman Begins" actually makes Gary Oldman (the once-and-future Commissioner Gordon) look like a silly, incompetent, middle-aged dufus---oddly enough, the target demographic for this silly, incomptent, middle-aged movie. How is it possible to squander the talent of the incomparable Gary Oldman? How is it possible to make a Batman movie into an incomprehensible, incoherent, mind-numbing snorefest that features a John Deere tractor tooling about on somebody's rooftop? I dunno, but Nolan does it.Things I'd rather do than see "Batman Begins" ever again:1) Drive red-hot pokers into my eyes.2) Stab myself in the face with a rusty knife.3) Sever my right leg and surgically re-attach it to my a**.4) Take a bath in a tub full of acid.5) Read the Encyclopedia Britannica cover-to-cover in a single sitting, in Braille.6) Watch "Gigli" again.Let the order go forth: all copies of the negative to "Batman Begins" should be burned, and the ashes sealed in an airtight container and shot into the Sun. Well, except one copy: round up all fans of this rancid, stinking turd, surgically remove their eyelids, and force them to watch this abomination over and over---forever.P.S.: If you enjoyed "Batman Begins", check out "Catwoman" and "Doom". You'll dig 'em.JSG