Product: Bloodsport [VHS] (1988)
Rating: 5.0
Masterpiece
I eagerly await the prequel, Bloodbirth, currently in production telling the story of a young Frank Dux born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his throat. Stan Dux, Frank's once kindhearted sweater knitting father, blames his wife for the accident. Stan begins drinking heavily. His drinking becomes out of control and culminates in a scene at his son's 6th birthday party.Upset and disoriented after a particularly viscous round in the moonwalker, he vomits on his boss's wife before challenging him to arm wrestle. When his boss declines, he runs inside only to return moments later wearing a karate gui and sporting the $300,000 conquistador helmet he had appraised at antiques roadshow. He is greeted with the silent stares of concerned parents while the voice of Rick Derringer ominously begins blaring "I am a real American" from the stereo. From the front porch, he surveys the lawn and chooses his target. Like a man possessed, he charges Tinkles the clown, headbutting him into a coma before turning his attention to the pony. The pony, already skittish from the clown's beating, rears and dropps a child to the grass. Thankfully, before the pony is able to trample the child, Stan greets him with a ferocious scissor kick to the spine sending him to his knees spurting a violent stream of an organ/excrement slush like a tube of toothpaste that just had a bowling ball dropped on it. Chaos ensues.Parents and children screaming run from the scene trampling the bloodied unconscious clown, the pony howling in his death throes as Stan, enraged at the pony's lack of fight, continues to brutally scissor kick until the midget, hired by Luvable Hugables petting zoo, wearing an all black t-shirt with white letters in all caps spelling ENFORCER across his chest and a crossbow full of tranq darts is able to subdue him.His marriage is now on the rocks and in the depths of a 72 hour Sparks and Grey Goose binge, he begins to beat his wife Mary blaming her for the birthing incident that resulted in their son's motor skills becoming so impaired that he speaks with a Belgian accent. Little did Stan know...that on that dark day where he murdered his wife by repeatedly slamming her head into a refrigerator door, that the accident had actually imbued Frank with super strength and reflexes rivaling those of legendary quarterback Jeff George.Onto the film.A young American boy (played by Dustin Diamond) mysteriously wearing a New York Giants Shirt and a San Francisco Giants cap is peer pressured into breaking into an aging Vietnamese man's home. The Vietnamese man, a noted Samurai warrior, is so impressed by young Frank's love of all things Giant that he decides to teach him the way of the Samurai. After many days of training, Frank has grown into a noted CIA agent and gained super powers through utilization of an intense kung-fu focus that allows him to sense attacks while serving tea blindfolded and the ability to capture koi with his bare hands, also while blindfolded. One might wonder why the early plot development has such a focus on fighting while blindfolded.....but that's because you are stupid.Frank is later summoned to the Kumite, a world where violence and intrigue are mingled with casual sex and even more intrigue. I'll stop here as I don't want to take you any further into this modern take on Shakespeare's Hamlet but suffice to say that while most movies flounder and fall short after such an epic opening, Bloodsport is a non stop thrill ride that will have you swearing that each scene is the greatest moment of your life and gives the whispered words "Mateeee..." dominion over Citizen Kane's "Rosebud" for cinematic significance.If you could take all the music ever made and compress it using "science" it would be but a flickering candle to the sun that is the soundtrack for this movie. Bishop's Steal the Night makes angels weep, but be careful of the setting you are in while listening to Fight to Survive as without the accompanying video to focus your mind, you may go into a rage so powerful that you enter the telephone lines ala the lawnmower man.