Product: The Musketeer (2001)
Rating: 1.0
Perfectly dreadful
I think it is admirably quirky that they tried to graft a Hong Kong martial arts movie style onto a 17th Century "Three Musketeers" knockoff, but the final product here is flat out awful, and should never have been released. From the first, the stunts might have been cool, but the editing of the fighting scenes is so bad they are unappreciable, and it's often difficult to figure out what's going on. The whole ladder climax was so blatantly [borrowed] from Great Hero From China that even that couldn't offer a tiny shred of redemption.The thing is just barely watchable. If this was made in 1985, it might make for a funny bad rental, but this thing came out in 2001! Bad direction, miserable acting, horrible editing, and one of the most ineptly written scripts equals one big stinkbomb from start to finish.First of all, the miscasting was at such a level it is hard to believe it wasn't deliberate. Justin Chambers is, frankly, horrible in this role; I can't hypothesize what kind of role in which he might not be horrible. All of the other actors and their characters are ludicrous and instantly forgettable, except for Tim Roth, who had the decency to be a goof off. Chambers' "mentor" reminded me of Andre the Giant's character from the Princess Bride, and we never get to understand how this supposedly incredible swordfighter kid was trained by an overweight guy with bad lungs who rarely moves.The script was just appalling. The "wooing" scenes between Chambers and Suvari were, of course, miserably acted, but the dialogue itself was just embarrassing. You will cringe. The overall plot is ridiculously superficial, yet they still manage to make it a total mess of head-scratchingly bad ideas. That Cardinal Richelieu would have ever hatched plots of such idiocy is inconceivable. He was a schemer to the core, which Dumas always portrayed wonderfully, but ultimately his schemes were designed to enhance the power of the throne and his authority over the king, not undermine it and try and get countries to declare war on France. There's no point listing the rest of its absurdities.Although this was billed as a quasi-martial arts flick, there are really only a few genuine fight scenes, and again, they are badly edited (way too many confusing cuts and obvious speed-motion edits) and it's pretty clear that Chambers did almost none of his own stunts. Hyams should not be directing action flicks.The music poorly corresponded to anything on screen, and since I hate this movie, I might as well hate the music too. It was dreadful. Also, the transfer to VHS was awful; for the first half-hour it looked dullish and yellow, and everything sounded flat. Maybe the DVD is better.Dumas' original "The Three Musketeers" was obviously a wonderful novel, but none of the hilarious interplay between the Musketeers manages to find a way into the script. Aramis, Porthos, and Athos were instead lifeless dolts with no wit, even for the little time they were on screen. The reason they keep making movies from Dumas' novels is that they were fantastic, well-written stories that have endured through the ages. Somehow, the movie versions almost always manage to then abuse them into barely recognizable mushes of hackwork. I know this movie was designed for 12 year olds, but they deserve a lot more credit than to have to endure this pandering, half-hearted miscarriage of a movie.