Product: Ring of Darkness (2004)
Rating: 1.0
Painfully stupid.
Ring of Darkness (David DeCoteau, 2004)Former porn director David DeCoteau, whose most notable mainstream flicks have been the Puppet Master franchise (he directed 3, 4, and 5, the last two under assumed names), takes an absolutely brilliant idea and makes an incredibly stupid movie out of it. Now, to be somewhat fair, not only is it a made-for-TV shlockfest, but one that certainly didn't have the budget of a Danielle Steel miniseries (IMDB estimates the film's budget at three-quarters of a million dollars). Still, it would be hard for this movie to be worse than it actually turned out; about the only thing that saves it is its premise and the fact that DeCoteau took nothing seriously.We open with Gordo (Club Dread's Greg Cipes) fleeing from a mansion. Just as he gets to the beach and seems as if he's going to get away, he's cornered by four dark shapes. Cut to an announcement that boy band Take Ten are auditioning for a new lead singer. (I'm sure you can draw the proper conclusion.) After a round of auditions, during which you're liable to get as sick of the catchy little tune they play just as much as you did any nineties boy band hit, the four remaining members of the band choose three possible replacements for Gordo-- Shawn (Guiding Light actor Coltin Scott), Jonah (DeCoteau staple Jeff Peterson), and Xavier (Baywatch's Jeremy Jackson), who are all flown, with Xavier's girlfriend Stacy (American Idol finalist Ryan Starr, whom you will be pleased to know does not sing at any point in the film), to the band's island mansion. Which, of course, looks very familiar. As the three continue the auditions in a slightly more stressful situation, weird things start happening...With all the young-and-beautiful male skin on display, you're likely to think you're watching a Victor Salva flick. However, comparisons with the superior Salva end there; DeCoteau directs as if Ring of Darkness (the title, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with the movie itself) were his first film, not his fifty-second. I haven't seen this much obvious shot repetition in a movie since Night of the Lepus. The acting is atrocious, as one would expect from folks who cut their teeth in T&A-fests; (the two notable exceptions to this are Adrienne Barbeau, who plays the band's manager, and Coltin Scott), the script is bad even for a horror-flick parody, and the whole thing is just on the right side of unwatchable to keep you glued to the screen.Or maybe you just want to watch a boy band get theirs. I know that was my motivation. *