Product: Gladiator [VHS] (2000)
Rating: 2.0
Unabridged Mediocrity
A movie with stunning visuals and great action scenes. Does that really warrant all of the wet pants everyone seemed to have after watching this movie? By such a standard, 'Men In Black' could at least have scored a Best Supporting Actor. "Epic" it is not. The tendentious movie reviewers of this country are all about as laughable as Columbia Pictures' "David Manning."Apart from the great effects and visuals, and well-planned arena scenes, the laughable factor is greatly increased by how seriously the movie takes itself to be. The most boring, two-dimensional dialogue keeps happening over and over. Whiny-pants Russell Crowe's monotonally incessant, "I don't want to be a slave anymore," spiel is constantly shoved down our throats in lieu of any content; it is certainly no "CINQUE MAKE FREE!" Crowe's glottal delivery is strangely reminiscent of the manic-depressive Marvin the Paranoid Android from the 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'The interaction between Crowe and the princess is so hammy one's fast-forward finger just begins to itch out of embarrassment. The loopy emperor-guy is so evil, and so pale you're thrilled when his purple-clad guard comes stomping in so that there is something interesting to watch. The incest line is supposed to be creepy, but all it does is help convince everyone that THIS CREEPY MO' IS GOING DOWN BLOODY-STYLE. If you want to see an exquisitely acted bad-guy, watch John Huston in 'Chinatown;' your skin will crawl.As is this review, the movie went on for far too long for the completely tragic, touching, and poignant (blandly inevitable) ending it produced. I'll let you in on a secret: Rome still bit the dust. The Germanic tribes that got housed in the first scenes ... they won in the end.