Product: Batman Begins (Two-Disc Deluxe Edition) (2005)
Rating: 1.0
Should have been titled "Bruce Wayne Begins"...
for all the time we have to spend following him around while he drifts aimlessly. Very little Batman here, and what we do get of him.... well, here's some random points I'd like to make about the movie.1. When did the batsuit make him start yelling like a WWF reject? When he's not yelling, he slips into some strange '2 packs a day for 30 years' croak. Sometimes the voice is so raspy you can close your eyes and picture him on the porcelain throne, straining as best he can. You even wonder if he might be on the verge of defecating from his mouth, that is seriously how hard he is trying. I'll wait for the super collecter's edition deluxe director's cut, when they redo the voiceovers to give him back his calm menacing voice. For the time being, I am left to giggle and/or weep silently whenever he tries to talk while in the suit.2. Nolan is a coward. I think there are two scenes where he had the guts to make Christian Bale stand still and let us look at the costume for more than 1.3 seconds at a time. I guess it doesn't matter, since there are only 11 minutes of screentime left when Nolan finally gets around to letting Christian Bale wear the goddamn costume to begin with. Was he afraid the other kids would make fun of him? Was he ashamed of how it turned out? Even Scarecrow only puts his mask on for quick bursts, just barely long enough for, say, a fart to dissipate. Scarecrow doesn't even have to sneak away and change into any kind of costume, that's how lazy Hollywood has become, people.3. Katie Holmes dials in a performance from the WB. It's moments like her "It's what's on the inside that's on the inside" speech that make you weep for the centuries of intellectual development that have been wasted. Later in the movie, when Batman regurgitates this gem past all of the bat phlegm stuck in his throat, you'll be forced to question whether mankind even has the right to exist anymore.4. This version of Bruce Wayne doesn't need justice and vengeance - he needs a support group and designer antidepressants. Yeah, you fell down a well once, does it really take a ninja school for you to finally come to terms with that? Are you crying? There's no crying in Batman! This Bruce Wayne isn't driven by a passionate obsession that fuels the grim exploration of his limits and capabilities. This Bruce Wayne is a whining pansie who needs somebody to hold his hand and show him where the bathroom is. When I'm watching a Batman movie, I should never feel like I want to pat him on the head and say "There, there. Everything will be fine. Have some warm milk... is that better? Good, now get up off your can, put the damn costume on, beat some people up, and keep your mouth shut while you're doing it!"