Product: The Marine (Unrated Edition) (2006)
Rating: 3.0
"I don't want to see any eye contact. I have severe intimacy issues...and a gun."
Pro wrestler John Cena flexes his acting muscles and discovers that, alas, when it comes to cinema, he's a 98 pound sissy. Having said that, THE MARINE is not the most abysmal of B-movies. It doesn't pretend to be anything more than what it is: a modest actioner sponging off the quasi-hot commodity that is John Cena. I quite enjoyed the deliberate tongue-in-cheek, off-the-wall tone in some parts of the flick, which was a respite from all the uninspired swamp chasing and the mind-numbing, been there, done that heroics and explosions. Truth to tell, this picture is worth watching most for Robert Patrick's wiggy bad guy performance. Now this cat was having fun.The plot: Ex-sergeant John Triton (John Cena) may have been dishonorably discharged, but he still considers himself a marine at heart. Back in the civilian world, he becomes a rent-a-cop and, on his first day on the job, gets promptly sacked. As a consolation prize, he's talked into getting away from it all and ventures on a road trip with his beautiful wife Kate (Kelly Carlson). But this ends up being one of the most heinous of holidays ever as the Tritons bump into a gang of diamond thieves at a gas station, which then becomes the site of a shoot-out and results in Kate being kidnapped. What happens next is Triton channeling his inner marine, stolidly trekking thru the messy portions of South Carolina, and semper-fying the crap out of the hooligans and knuckleheads what done him wrong.Thespian newbie John Cena is earnest, I'll give him that, and must've graduated with honors from the School of Posing Heroically and Surviving Big Kabooms. No, Cena doesn't really distinguish himself from all the other would-be heir to Schwarzenegger's kingdom (the Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham). In fact, he's not even as good as the action stars in the parentheses. If this was still the '90s, he'd be *ouch* Brian Bosworth. Now, maybe that last one's a bit too harsh. Cena is adequate, if torpid, in his first picture outing and even threatens to show niggling bits of potential. But, when one thug comments, "This guy's like the Terminator.", well, no, he's not. Think what you will about Ah-nuld's acting, part of his box office clout was due to his self-deprecating sense of humor. In future films (should there be any), Cena needs to loosen up a bit. Or a lot. Even Jason Bourne thinks this guy's too impassive. On the positive side, John Cena is ripped like crazy. Even his Adam's apple is cut.So just how much fun was Robert Patrick having in this flick? He steals all the scenes, along with the diamonds, and delivers his lines with such obvious relish. His quirky and amusing take on his role is what kept me watching up until the end, where, as one reviewer pointed out, Cena administered a very dubious brand of CPR. Kelly Carlson also makes a good showing as the not-quite-hapless hostage and all around hottie, although she could've grieved just a bit more for her hubbie when he's first assumed dead over a cliff. I'm always up for a girl on girl brawl, and Kelly has several with equally tasty bad girl (naughty girl?) Abigail Bianca. By the way, it says something about the charisma-challenged Cena that even the henchmen end up being more interesting. One gets the feeling that, when not pulling bank heists, this motley crew of crooks puts in some massive down time in deep therapy. For real, they've got issues.Action sequences and stunts? So-so. With both having a wrestling background, it's only natural, I guess, that Cena and the Rock are studied under the same light. But it's not even close as Cena hands down pales in that comparison. The Rock just seems to be more kinetic and just more...aware. He knows how to play to his movie audience. Cena is still learning the Hollywood ropes. And it doesn't serve him at all that his fight scenes are boringly choreographed and that the car chase and explosions are run-of-the-mill. Was there even a real sense of jeopardy at any point in the film?Two and a half stars for THE MARINE, with a special shout out going to Robert Patrick for his just-a-wee-bit-mental performance.