Product: The Evil Cult [Region 2] (2005)
Rating: 4.0
Cracktacular chop sokky!
Kung Fu Master, also known as The Evil Cult, is one of the most bizarre martial arts flicks I've seen in a long time. The plot is nigh-unto incomprehensible, but involves six martial arts clans from China and Persia who are fighting over two magical swords--a skinny glowing one and a big, fat, choppy one with curlicues. Somehow, a very young Mo-Kei, maybe only six or seven at most, is attacked by evil martial artists and left with a grey handprint on his chest. This is the dreaded Jinx Hand.His parents are understandably upset by this marking, and so is Mo-Kei's uncle, who is a powerful martial arts master. You see, this handprint means young Mo-Kei will never be able to use kung-fu or have sex, or else he will die. At least, I think that's what it means. In the meantime, it makes him "very painful" and subjected to frequent bouts of near-hypothermia.Mo-Kei's parents and his uncle rush him off to a temple where they try fruitlessly to cure him. The parents kill themselves so that the bad guys don't learn where their "buddy" is hiding with his magical sword. Just before his mother dies, she tells Mo-Kei to avenge their deaths on all the baddies. Unfortunately, that's pretty hard to do if you don't know kung fu. After all, there were no machine guns in this time period.Eight years later, there's a bizarre scene where the uncle, now 108 years old discusses his morning erections with a very mature-looking 14- or 15-year old Mo-Kei (played by Jet Li). Uncle explains that Mo-Kei does not get erections because he is weak, but that he himself is no old granny, and has them every morning!Mo-Kei is kept alive by energy transfusions from his uncle and can only look wistfully at all the cool kung fu guys practicing their mad martial arts skillz. Then a hot chick shows up, and he becomes even more confused when she tricks him into watching her get ready for a bath.This is, of course, grounds to off the inoffensive Mo-Kei, and he gets chased off a cliff along with a kung fu mama with a jug-handle hairdo. After groping her chest on the way down, Mo-Kei and the girl meet an old man imbedded in a giant boulder. He teaches Invincible Solar Stance (or something like that) to Mo-Kei, which somehow cures him of his Jinx Hand affliction and allows Mo-Kei to kick ...The story only gets weirder from here, with a kung fu vampire named Green Bat (who asks a master to suck poison out of his bottom), an evil queen with a lethal harpsichord (complete with harpsichord battle), a master with foot-long eyebrows, Red Cross workers with a penchant for hookers and rape, and more talk of erections.Because Mo-Kei has become a master of Invincible Solar Stance, he learns yet another advanced style--Magical Stance--in a scant six hours. For anyone else, it would take thirty years. He then proceeds to kick more ... with this technique.Mo-Kei's learning skills are increasing at an astronomical rate. The final fight scene is great because Mo-Kei learns the entire art of t'ai chi chu'an in approximately ten seconds. Of course, he kicks even more ...Many ... are filled with footprints by this point.I really don't quite understand what happens at the end, and since the movie stops without really wrapping anything up, I can only assume there is a sequel, or at least the intention for a sequel.If you're in the mood for some REALLY over-the-top martial arts involving ropes, wires, and terrible subtitling, this is the film for you. If you're in the mood for well-filmed martial arts choreography, look elsewhere. This is far too silly.