Product: The Musketeer (2001)
Rating: 1.0
PLEASE DO NOT WATCH ME
In the spirit of public service announcements, I am compelled to write this review.PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM. IT HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES.Not even Tim Roth can save it. (Why, Tim Roth, why are you in this "film"???!!! If it's money you need, you should have come to me, and I would have PAID YOU not to make it!)I do not know where to begin to "review" this, so I shall begin with d'Artagnan's hat - it is hideous. As are the other three musketeers, but note that this is "The Musketeer" - singular, so expect a lot of solo work from Justin Chambers. Justin Chambers has a nice face, but it does not belong in this crap either. The sixty-year-old and apparently barren queen (played by Catherine Deneuve - why, gods, why???!!!) is delightfully prettier than Meena Suvari (whose name is inexplicably "Francesca" in this chef d'ouevre of cinema). There is no plot, only poorly lit, mal-orchestrated excuses for people to flip through the air and slash at things blindly with their swords as if they were being attacked by a murder of crows, instead of human opponents. There was also apparently not enough money left over (after, presumably, paying all the famous people to be in this) for good cinematography, costumes, art direction, screenwriters, etc. Have I mentioned the lighting is REALLY BAD? And the titles look so cheap, as if they were literally stolen from another (possibly 80 year old) movie.If, for some reason, you do not heed my warning, and DO find yourself watching this film, I recommend you take some Ambien as soon as possible and pray for oblivion.