Product: Super Mario Bros. [VHS] (1993)
Rating: 1.0
Stupid movie
First, let me say that this review is in no way a criticism of the numerous video games of the same title. I'm down with controlling little pixelated guys and making them jump on/punch/shoot fireballs at little pixelated monsters.But this movie proves that movies based on video games are even worse than movies based on comic books.Super Mario Bros. tells the story of Mario and Luigi, two plumbers who travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from a bunch of evil guys who are descended from dinosaurs. You can tell they are descended from dinosaurs and not apes because, although they look exactly the same as humans, they all have very stupid hair. Does the movie expect us to believe someone is an evil reptile just because they have stupid hair? For example, I doubt that Carrot top is descended from dinosaurs. The cast of Dragon Ball Z is another example of people who aren't descended from dinosaurs. I mean, if you believe this movie, every single person who was ever in a music video in the 80s is an evil descendant of dinosaurs with a plot to take over the world. I can't respect a movie that has so little respect for me that it lies to me in such a blatant fashion.After arriving in the stupid-hair universe, Mario and Luigi are immediately arrested by some evil-cops with puffy sleeves and "police" written on their backs in sequins. Being arrested by the village people lowers their self esteem, but then they realize that at least their hair isn't several feet tall, and they feel better.I'm really angry at this movie. Maybe it's because at one point, King Koopa sticks out his tongue to show it is several feet long, proving that he is not only an evil dinosaur but either Gene Simmons or the annoying big-forheaded goth that John Travolta hired in Battlefield Earth for her "special talents." I could go on for a very long time. And in fact I will. Maybe it's because the movie was aimed at seven year olds, but shows people's heads being stretched out of proportion and growing huge spikes, teeth, and scales in a way that is kind of disturbing to me, even though I can eat pizza while watching movies like Toxic Avenger and Return of the Living Dead. Maybe it's the fact that a machine designed to change people at the genetic level also changes their clothes. Maybe it's the fact that my friend Kevin told me that the theme song in the end credits made the movie tolerable, but the theme song did not really exist (although it could have been because in a fit of annoyance I smashed the TV screen with a sledgehammer before the credits sequence finished completely).To summarize my review, it was a fairly unwatchable movie. It was visually kind of cool, and had a few funny moments, but the good was far outweighed by the fact that the movie expects us to know that dinosaurs hate plumbers.Didn't you know that dinosaurs hate plumbers?