Product: The Musketeer (2001)
Rating: 1.0
GLAAD I only rented it.
Wow, now here is an accomplishment, this has to have been the most lazily made movie I have ever seen. In fact, it would have made a perfect parody if it were funny. The script appears to have been a phone in, if that. Every plot point and piece of dialog here is really just an excuse to get to another fighting or otherwise monotonous action sequence. And the fighting scenes are about exactly what you'd expect from seemingly having had about 10 minutes total spent on each of them (2 minutes = choreography, 2 minutes = rehearsal, 6 minutes = filming). Also, if you are looking for breaks in this block of writing that would be meant to represent new paragraphs, you aren't going to find them. Uh uh, not here, this is a concept piece-- I plan on putting just as much effort into this review as the entire crew put into the making of The Musketeer. Anyhoo, moving on. The score, the score, the score...the score is...um, how do you say...dog [explitive deleted]. No, no, no, that's not true, my dog could probably take a [explitive deleted] more passionate than this film's score. Now, I have a confession to make, I cry during motion pictures. Action, comedy, drama, it really doesn't matter, show me emotions and I will show you a little dampness around the eyes. That little bit of unpleasantness disclosed, I didn't shed a single tear during The Musketeer. Casting? Well, you know, it has Mena Suvari, you can't really go wrong there-- but what about the lead, you ask? Well he was a model plucked from Calvin Klein ads. Says the director (also male): "I spent a couple of hours alone with him and decided he was perfect for the role." Well, I think that pretty much sums that up. Not to say that the movie is homosexual or is in any trying to be representative of homosexuals. Oh hades no, if that were the case GLAAD would have sued them for misrepresentation. Have I missed anything I wanted to say? Ahhh, [explitive deleted] it, who really cares. If I cared enough about this movie to at least hate it, I could probably give it a halfway decent bad grade, but I don't.