Product review (5 stars): WONDER(OUS) MACHINE
The title says it all: It is a freakin' Wonder Machine.

But why did I buy it?

Because I like to crank?

Because I am a save-the-water nutcase?

Because I need a lower arm grip bulge?

Because I have a great story about washing machines?

In order: Sort of; not nutcase but I saw the film about Sahara travelers who left their village when the well dried up and had to give their oldest son and half their cows to the warlord for safe passage and water; wouldn't hurt; now how did you guess?

Obviously my washing machine is finished.

Because the required "I can fix it, sir" parts are NLA.

No longer available, for those of you who are like I was a week ago.

My mom's first washer dryer set lasted 50 years.

My refurb aqua blue Whirlpool matched set were 40 years old when I bought them for $175 installed in 1979 and I know for a fact still going strong today.

With two minor repair visits - one a mouse hose chewthrough - and enough diapers through them to handle six months of China's annual newborn population for a year.

Okay. I have a stacked washer and gas dryer, condominium alcove 24" deep size front loader - BIG BIG fan - about 20 years old.

Very nicely treated to a light load - min cold water, low suds, gentle cycle - every two weeks,

(Work at home, no filthy, sweaty, commute-cursing soil.).

White-Westinghouse for those who were wondering.

And a functioning gas dryer that makes the Wonder Machine WonderFUL.

Can I get just the washer because the dryer is gas, as noted, and I think they die when the owner dies in the explosion caused by 80 year old gas tubing, but not before?

I'm not an engineer - once software - but any fool can see the constraints on washer replacement growing out of control lickety split.

Otherwise why would I be reduced to trying out a WONDER MACHINE?

Another constraint: the alcove depth for the stack is 34" but only 27" from back wall to the support posts.

So my White-Westinghouse, at 24.5" deep was perfect.

You see where this is going, right?

Keep your eyes peeled because it's a forked road.

I start looking for replacements.

First, sticker stun.

Not sticker shock.

Sticker stun.

Second, will it fit?

Third, will the Home Depot installers put it under my still hot-as-heck-when-needed but cool-as-heaven-when-not?

Obviously: "No, I am very sorry but we are unable to do that for you, sir" said the genuinely nice and incredibly knowledgeable online help chat lady.

Can I find a refurb front loader?

Maybe.

From a reputable source that will guarantee it won't leak on my neighbor downstairs.

Who moved in 2 years before I did 23 years ago.

And sold me the washer/dryer combo I now have 15 years ago for $150?

And had her installers put mine in for free?

Well, Tony, the AAA aPliance repairman who charged $50 to explain to me what NLA means said "No problem sir. I will call you tomorrow on my mother's and let you know."

Sorry, Tony's mother. It's a week and no Tony ringee dingee so I guess he must have been your first son.

So, "Can I find a refurb front loader?"

No way.

So I think I am headed for the $899 LG which I will put in myself with the help of some of the guys who work at the condo for $100, pizza, and beer.

It'll stick out because it's 1/2 inch deeper than the alcove and the machine needs 2" or so behind for connections and "breathing room" according to the licensed, certified professional (Tony) who told me I was toast for $50.

And looked on the Westinghouse website with me and explained the NLA next to every part we needed.

So, I swallow, forget about all the money I don't have from my "I will definitely pay you for this work" from my friends and "Gotcha" - or "Gotit" from my not-so-friends and put the $899 + shipping + install in my emotional acceptance range.

Then I looked at the warranty.

One year.

No profanity on Amazon reviews and no pointers to profanity but think capital w followed by two letters last one f and you have my verbalization - also called something else, for example in court -  but a prohibited Amazon review word, I'm pretty sure.

One year?

Are you freakin' kidding me?

Now we digress, but not really.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

A 700 HP Corvette ZR1 has a 36 month bumper-to-bumper.

I imagine they have engine and transmission action recorders like BMW and Mercedes so they can tell if you crank it to 6500 rpm and drop the clutch more than a few times - it's manual only because they want to make sure you have that 20% sure-death power you lose in an automatic.

So let me get this straight:

A $900 $1000 delivered installed piece of Korean best of breed engineering with every technical, mechanical, and materials improvement they could put into it beyond what was in the Japanese best in the world machine they copied has a 12 month warranty?

And the ZR1 Blue Devil Corvette, which goes 200+ mph and is made to withstand actual endurance racing stress with a couple hundred dollar addons and ceramic brakes if you didn't get the "comfort package" has 36 months?

Unless you buy the 5 year bumper-to-bumper for a couple of thousand more?

Now, some comparison facts.

The LG weighs a couple of hundred pounds and moves only three times:
1. Korea to US portside.
2. Portside to Distribution Warehouse.
3. Warehouse to You.

Final stop.

Not "we're delivering your $140,000 ZR1 to your office today" final stop.

Final unless-you-move-and-take-it-with-you final stop."

No 0-120s.

No sub-10 quarter miles all day long and maybe a wheelie for your chick/guy/whatever when you want to show off.

No "Watch that dumb Viper run out of breath at 185 and eat my dust to 206?"

None of that.

Just dump clothes in, pour in some soap, close the lid, turn it on, let it drink, churn, spin, spin some more, rinse, drink, churn, spin, and stop.

That's it.

Maybe, maximum, 730 times.

Before its warranty runs out.

That's twice a day for a year, give or take depending on whether it's leap year, which is probably a warranty exclusion anyway.

Or me, maybe 30 times in the 12 month warranty period.

It's not that I stink. As noted, I work at home - long "friends" story - and dress very down, especially when the temperature is over 50 degrees.

So, 12 months with your space ship LG (or Samsung or whatever space age washing machine you buy) and you're on your own.

Let's contrast that to a ZR1. Or a Viper. Or a Yugo. Or a Camry, whatever.

Here're some numbers.

Keep in mind these things all have at least 36 months of warranty on drivetrain parts, which is 1095 days, or 1096 days if you get lucky.

Suppose you drive the thing 12,000 miles a year, maybe 35 miles a day at let's say 30 mph.

Which is not going to happen in a ZR1 but let's suppose.

And let's suppose you're always at 2000 RPM, which you're sure as heck not going to be in a ZR1.

But let's suppose.

So, when your ZR1 36 month warranty runs out, your double supercharged 700 HP planet-moving torque motor that toasts the Viper when it runs out of air at around 180, it looks like this according to my Microsoft calculator accessory:
35 miles per day
30 miles per hour
70 minutes driving
2000 rpm
140,000 revolutions/day
1096 days * 140,000 revolutions
153,440,000 turns of the 700 horsepower double supercharged motor which, if you bring it in for repair and you remembered to take all the stock class 1/4 mile trophies out of the back, they'll fix to new specs no questions asked.

Of course smiling and winking at you because they were there too, cheering the bowtie.

And the thing is not supposed to break.

It is built for that.

And those pistons? Up and down 2X revolutions.

Basically we are in the 150 Million to 1/2 billion range warranted against failure here.

Now, what's the deal with a washing machine?

No trophies.

No dropping the clutch.

No 1.3 g side load on Goodyear 20" wide low profiles gum drops.

Just some nice warm water, some low sudsing sweet smelling soap, everyone's disgusting dirty clothes of course, some churning, a little spinning, a rinse, a repeat or two, and that's it.

What's not to like?

No abuse, no wheelies, no driveshaft-bending, skyscraper-collapsing, Redwood-tumbling torque.

No ECU re-programming between required scheduled visits to the Chevy dealer for an extra 80 horsepower and 90 foot pounds of frame twisting, gear shattering, driveshaft snapping, axle twisting torque.

None of that.

Just wash the clothes and go back to sleep.

So I thought long and hard about all this.

For a minute.

And thank you very much, I'll do my sweaty running clothes and a couple of towels once a week by hand or stomp them in the tub while I shower and wait until my nice neighbor lady downstairs gets her next new washer/dryer from her kids and buy the ones she has for, maybe, $200 installed.

But I tried the WONDER MACHINE so I wouldn't have to bend over so often in the shower to move my running clothes around as I stomp them when I shower.

And it works great, as my friends would say.

The WONDER MACHINE's clean clothes go into my old old old hot-as-heck gas dryer and that's it.

First time out, I was cranking the handle and working up the nerve to do the OMG NOT THAT PLEASE running-socks sniff test.

Then I looked at the water coming out of the WONDER MACHINE drain pipe OMG NOT THAT PLEASE.

Filth.

Lenny Bruce never came close.

I sniffed, I smiled, and I am smiling still as everything is toastily drying in the gas dryer.

The WONDER MACHINE now occupies its place of honor in the back of my bathtub waiting for its next 3 minute, make-your-clothes-as-good-as-new workout.

I gotta say, this whole washing machine industry has us all by the dirty shorts.

I see a business opportunity here.

Suppose I licensed the 80 year old Whirlpool designs, or got them for free because they are probably in the public domain now.

And I built washers - top, side, front, back - whatever loaders just like Mom used to have.

No fancy computer junk.

Three cycles, three water temperatures, that's it.

And gave a 20/25 year no questions asked no fine print warranty.

And sold them on Amazon for $499 + $80 delivery + $50 install.

I know no one is reading this sentence, or will read the next, next-to-last-but-two sentence but here's the punchline.

Who wouldn't buy one?

Maybe not me if this WONDER MACHINE keeps working like it is now and I don't need to wash my 41 year old Holubar Summer Light Royal Blue mint condition sleeping bag again.

Ever.