Review: It could have been a much stronger story, Lucy if..
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 01 12, 2014
IT did not suffer from some common author miss steps like:1. SHOW DON'T TELLFor instance, when we are first introduced to Pierce, Lauren tells us what an arrogant prick she thinks he is and so on...She defines his character for us. So as a reader, I'm robbed of the opportunity to interact with the character and judge him for myself. If it is important for your plot for a certain character to be viewed a certain way, SHOW ME by the characters actions that he's arrogant, immature, etc. If you do this, you.'ll draw stronger, more believable characters and draw your readers into your story. You will hook them because the more you can engage me as a reader, the more likely I.'ll continue to hang on every word and keep turning the page.  Same problem with your other characters too, I'm afraid. Robert Hart suffers the same fate as Pierce because you TELL us about his character instead of showing us through his actions. So I am robbed as a reader, and by doing all telling you run the risk of alienating me as a reader when what you TELL me is not supported by the character's actions. Honestly, I thought Lauren was the arrogant prick at first based on her actions. Also, if you sured up your characters by showing their traits instead of telling me about them, your dialogue would be much stronger too because you wouldn't have  to spend so much time explaining the character in long paragraphs of dialogue and you could move straight into plot elements, making for a much stronger story.  A story that I wouldn't have skimmed through some parts of because of this issue. Dialogue should cement the characters straits as you have defined them through their actions. Yours doesn't always do this because you are too dependent on it because of the violation of the show/tell principle.2. REPETITION AND LACK OF VARIETY OF WORD CHOICEFor example, "reverie" is a great word,but it is used so much in your story that after the second, third and fourth time, it loses its luster and power. As a writer, words are your pallets. Wield them with creative variation, after all, you want to keep me engaged as a reader in your story. If l have started to notice the actual mechanics of your writing, beyond admiration of it, if I am counting how many times certain phrases or words are used, you have taken me out of your story. You do not want that to happen.3. PLOTYou have an interesting premise here and I recognize this is a series, but each book deserves a complete story. I felt reading this that you focused  more on writing  good sex scenes than you did on fully developing the plot to support those sex scenes. Now if your intent was to write pure Erotica where there is often a weak or non existent plot that would be one thing, but I don't think that was your intent here. And because you have not given me a complete story here, I'm forced to purchase a second book to find out what happens. Do not get me wrong, you want me to want to purchase a second book because I want to, not because I have to. You want me so satisfied with the installment you are offering that I am eagerly anticipating what happens next. Unfortunately, because of the issues outlined, I wasn't satisfied. Instead, I felt cheated.4. THE EXCESSIVE  USE OF ADVERBSYour prose is weighted down with adverbs that weaken the strength of your voice as a writer. This relates directly to point 2.  AVOID USING ADVERBS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Choose words that actually mean what you want to say and say what you actually mean. This will expand your vocabulary as a writer and sharpen your voice as a writer. Your prose will leap with life and you will avoid REPETITION. Most importantly, your unique God given  voice will shine brighter in your story telling. Your voice is unique and that is what kept me reading the story above all the matters outlined. If you reign it in, harness it and sharpen it, you have a golden opportunity to craft an even better story. I recognize some readers will not care about these things, and I do not want to discourage anyone from reading it if it intrigues them, but at the same time, I wanted to offer my honest feedback to support why the review is rated as such above, as well as feedback for the author.