Review: The Muppets' Treasure Island was more believable.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Date: 02 12, 2013
I think I've been spoiled by some really good authors, because I did not find the glowing satisfaction other readers seemed to find in this particular work.The flavor, the real SENSE of the time period and the characters' actions within it was very poorly executed, I felt. The premise, the setup wasn't believable, the characters were more like caricatures, the plot pathetically wandering from one point to the other. Almost a puppet-show novel, if that makes sense-- no background richness or depth, just bright figures lurching from one side of the stage to the next. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh... I didn't HATE this book. It just didn't wash over me with a delicious escape from reality the way I look for in a story.Specific gripes: A gently-bred (though wily) woman with an infant is suddenly cast out to live in the wilderness. Not only does she have the gumption to survive-- thrive, even-- without the comforts she's used to, she manages to raise her firstborn daughter (borne of a rape) with the ability to recognize instantly, at the age of four, that a man dressed a certain way and bearing certain features (none of which the girl would ever have actually seen, of course) is a Viking and also her "da".Then, when said Viking washes up on her lonely beach, all the woman can think to do is drag him home and chain him to the wall, make soup and listen while he tells her daughter stories. We're supposed to believe the main character is emotionally and physically scarred from her encounter with the Northmen... but somehow she's careless enough to allow her four-year-old to skip merrily into the arms of this supposed brute over and over. This isn't maybe she'll stumble on the beach worry, or even being lost at the grocery store kind of worry-- it's HE WILL RAPE AND ENSLAVE AND PROBABLY KILL HER kind of worry she's supposed to be feeling. She's psyched herself up for five years for this, tenaciously clinging to the meager existence she's scraped out of the rocky land and scooped off the beach. But "That's not your da!" is pretty much the extent of her aversion to her daughter's affinity for the stranger.Okay, that's fine. Essential trusting nature of a child, their ability to see the good in everyone, lessons of forgiveness and trust for the main character to learn, blahblah, alright. I can swallow that.However:WHOOPS I FELL INTO HIS LAP AND NOW I HAVE TO KISS HIM. Despite surviving in the wilderness on my own for years by my wit and cunning, and despite the fact that I'm inordinately graceful due to my extensive practice with a jeweled sword, oh fudge, I'm so clumsy I almost fell into the fire in my own hut. Where can I put my face? Oh, into his chiseled chest. Nom nom nom.OH GOODNESS ME SHE FELL INTO MY LAP AND NOW I DON'T MIND THAT SHE'S CHAINED ME TO A WALL FOR DAYS. Despite the fact that she's called me terrible names and broken my arm and denied me my freedom when I wasn't doing anything wrong anyways, oh goodness me, she's collapsing into my crotch and suddenly my dead wife and daughter are handily replaced and I will make her my valiant viking queen, ho ho, kissy kissy kiss kiss....what?And then-- OH HELLO LADS LOOK MY WHOLE CREW IS BACK, GOSH I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST AT SEA, GOOD OF YOU TO SHOW UP JUST WHEN I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE TASTY WENCH BRANDISHING A SWORD AT YOU, YES, TERRIBLY CONVENIENT, ALSO DO YOU MIND GIVING HER LITTLE GIRL A PIGGYBACK RIDE WHILE I GO ASK HER TO BE MY BRIDE AFTER I BROKE OUT OF HER HOMEMADE JAIL BY TRICKING HER TODDLER?I actually burst out laughing at that part. Quasi-Norse Punch and Judy Show, that's the impression I finished this book with. Oh well. Happily Idiotically Ever After.