Review: The Writing Unravels
Rating: 1 out of 5
Date: 10 20, 2013
Loved the cover, generally love erotica, it's a free read, several rave reviews, and only 35 or so pages. What could go wrong?Although it wasn't full of typos, IMO this story was not ready for publication. It's full of confusing sentences, or just bad writing, like this:"You're my best friend and you landed me this job, so I owe you one, big time." That kind of sentence is called an "As you know, Bob:" "As you know, Bob, you've been my father since before I was born." A writer uses AYKB's to stuff backstory into dialogue, but people generally don't speak like that. This short story is full of AYKB's.Ethan, the live-in boyfriend, is cartoonishly awful, and either has struck Chloe in the past or is on the verge, stopping just this line of hitting her by breaking a vase. (Which is still domestic violence.) Kaito, the guy Chloe can't get out of her head, is engaging in some crazy stalker behaviors. She doesn't need to get laid; she needs an intervention and a good shrink.Could there be a more clumsy and convoluted way to say she was late? "The arrow on the clock already passed the five for a few minutes..."This is the sentence that made me stop reading: "Ethan was my hubby, though we weren't married or anything, but for a long time he couldn't love me anymore..." I THINK this is trying to say that Chloe was feeling sex-deprived, and that she felt a sense of loyalty to her boyfriend, but it hurt my head trying to figure it out.Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's great that the writer wants to write and share her work, but this short story is simply not ready for prime time yet. I hope she (or he, if CW is a pseudonym for a male writer) keeps writing and finds a good crit group. If there aren't any in the local area, there are some online.