Review: You Can't Go Home Again
Rating: 3 out of 5
Date: 08 22, 2012
You Can't Go Home AgainI am a major Sweet Valley fan from way back and when I found out about Confidential, and the ensuing six part miniseries, I was beyond excited. Unfortunately, these books failed to live up to my expectations.Elizabeth and Jessica are back to being best friends and living in Sweet Valley Heights, which has become a suburb of Los Angeles. Jess is still married to Todd, with a two year old child, and Lizzie is living with boyfriend, Bruce Patman. Scandal and intrigue erupt when Jessica suspects Todd of sleeping with a coworker, and Liz discovers that her lover might be a rapist. Her initial refusal to believe in his possible guilt made me giggle, seeing as how the events of "Dear Sister" prove that he does have it in him... did she simply forget when he tried to force himself on her? Apparently not. The writer smartly allows Liz to remember the events of that night and it shakes her confidence in Bruce. Will they weather this storm and stay together or will Lizzie lose her faith in the man she loves and lose him forever? The answers will astound you. Scandalous!Another thing I really liked was the attempts at continuity, like Lila's immediate reaction to the alleged rape, when she remembers John Pfeiffer's attack on her at Miller's Point in high school. It seems the new writer got her hands on a copy of the Sweet Valley Bible and (in the words of Jessica" "you know, like, actually memorized it." Or at least read the series, before taking on this job. Speaking of which, could any Sweet Valley fan be luckier than to land a ghost writing job on this series? I would have so. much. fun with that.But anyway. The book has a lot of problems. It doesn't feel like Sweet Valley should. It doesn't come close to resembling the world we 30-Something fans grew to love. For one thing, the F-word is thrown around a lot and despite the fact that these girls are now 30, foul language, much like graffiti and fat people, are not supposed to exist in this world. I also understand that people grow and change, but Elizabeth as a shady journalist that lies and cheats to get the story is not something I can wrap my head around. And... Jess and Todd in "twu wuv always" mode? I still don't buy it. Those two always hated each other, and not in the "we secretly wanna do the horizontal mamba" kind of way. Jess thought he was totally dullsville and Todd considered her a selfish shrew. Putting those two together for the sake of drama and hurting Elizabeth smacks of an author look for an easy way to stir up trouble and hurt Elizabeth. There must be a ton of other ways to accomplish the same ends without a ridiculous plot contrivance that makes no sense. If I wasn't OCD enough to need all the gritty details, I'd simply skip the parts about them. However, if there is one thing that makes sense to me, it's Lila Fowler as a Real Housewife of Sweet Valley. Lila is truly fabulous and sensational and I can TOTALLY see her diva-ing it up on reality TV.Unfortunately, the fabulous Lila we all remember as the foil to Jessica's antics has become less of a foil and more of a, well, flat out bitch. The scheming tricks she pulls on her husband (Ken Matthews!) throughout the series really don't seem Lila's style. First of all, Lila is far too much of a snob to marry a lowly, new money FOOTBALL player. Especially one she went to high school with. But what I really fail to believe is that she'd even let Ken touch the tip of one of her Christian Louboutins, much less her entire body. It just doesn't ring true. Second, she has way too much class to slut it up and fake a pregnancy just to keep her dimwitted second string husband, whose head has taken way too many tackles. No real love is shown between these two, nor is a back story ever given that shows how these two fell in love in the first place. No mention is ever made of the fact that Ken dated not just Jessica, but BOTH twins in high school, and if there is one thing I know about Lila Fowler, it's that she does not take anyone's sloppy seconds.And speaking of sloppy seconds - what's with all the partner switching in this series (and it's predecessors?)Todd dated both Wakefield twins AND shared an illicit kiss with Lila in high school. Ken also dated both twins in high school, disappeared during the college years, and somehow ended up marrying Lila Fowler, the widow of an Italian count. Bruce dated Jessica in high school, slept with Annie Whitman in the back of 1Bruce1 (if you believe this new series anyway) and got all hot and heavy with Lila in University... but somehow ends up falling in love with Elizabeth. Also I can't help but say this - I totally resent the implication that the relationship between Lila and Bruce in SVU was nothing more than a fling. Excuse me, they were the longest running and most stable couple in that series. They gave up MONEY for each other, vowing to live in poverty if that's what it took to prove to their parents that they were truly in love. I am sorry, Ms Pascal, but that is not a fling that is a relationship that SHOULD have led to married. Alas, he falls in love with Elizabeth (because who doesn't) And then he somehow, out of the blue ends up with <spoiler!!!> at the end of this series? Double U. Tee. Eff.And then there is Aaron who was Jessica's first kiss and occasional, casual date in high school... and he ends up marrying her BROTHER? I AM SO CONFUSED. Okay, I have no problem with gay people whatsoever, 90% of the performing arts school I went to was at least bi... but if my brother ended up married to my first kiss, I might have, you know, a conversation, a feeling, or at least a THOUGHT about it!!! But that little tidbit is never even mentioned - not here, and not on "Confidential" when the scandalous reveal is first made. Both Aaron and Steven seemed like two of the straightest straight men I've ever met, at least in high school and college. I can buy Aaron as gay (especially in this series when he is depicted as practically a gay male cliche) but STEVEN WAKEFIELD - the very same one whose first true love died of leukemia, second true love moved to London (after a near elopement) and third love he ALSO nearly married and had a baby with? Yes, I know that there are gay men who spend 20 plus years in the closet but there is usually at least a HINT of it before the "coming out." IMO, Pascal did this just to be politically correct and up with "current" times. It would have made much more sense for Tom McKay (McGay?) to make an "out and proud" appearance... but of course then, Francine would be accused of only allowing one gay person to live in her town, so I guess she can't win. But heh, that's Sweet Valley for you!And that's another thing.... Why did NONE of these supposedly bright and successful people never move on from high school? Why are they all still dating and marrying each other and living in the same town? I know it's not TECHNICALLY incestuous but it sure does feel like it. And for the record, why did none of them (especially LILA FOWLER of all people) ever move away? Yeah, okay so whiny Lizzie spent a year or so moping in NYC but we all know she came back to the land of perfect tans to reunite with her sister, whose manipulative clutches she just can't seen to escape.I guess part of the problem is that the author tries to make Sweet Valley seem grittier and more realistic than it did in the early series. Simply put, Sweet Valley is not SUPPOSED to be realistic, it's supposed to be perfect and idealistic and far, FAR away from anything even resembling normalcy. Forget simply fighting over boys, this is a series that not only featured but EMBRACED the supernatural. Jess and Liz have dated not only the most popular boys in school, but Princes and Dukes, vampires and werewolves! They have encountered mad-women intent on stealing their mother's face. They have been kidnapped AND shipwrecked, and even gone on a "Thelma and Louise" type adventure with a Brad Pitt lookalike hot on their trail: hoping to either sleep with Jessica or kill both twins- honestly, it was hard to tell.All that said, I am glad to see that Francine Pascal and company took to heart the words and comments of fans who were sorely disappointed by Sweet Valley Confidential. Glaring errors were fixed in the follow up books (like Mr. Fowler's name - its George, not Richard) and Jessica no longer utters the words "like" and "so" every other sentence. I suspect that Ms Pascal realizes her talents laid elsewhere, and handed the reins to a ghostwriter to put her ideas onto the page. Good choice. The writing is still on a fifth grade level, but at least it doesn't make you want to tear your eyes out like "Confidential" did. If you aren't expecting The Sweet Life to resemble the old series in any ways except the superficial, then it's not a bad read. But for the old fans looking for a bit of nostalgia, I recommend curling up with an old SVH paperback. Because the saying is true - you really CAN'T go home again.