Review: Unfathomably terrible
Rating: 1 out of 5
Date: 04 8, 2013
Even after years of reading self-published stories on Amazon, it is possible to find stories that blow the mind, exploding all previous conceptions of the nature of terrible writing.This is one of those times.In describing the plot and phrases used in this story to my husband, he suggested that a new category had been created, that of "cold shower erotica," erotica that actually suppresses sexual desire.  Upon finishing this story, I recommend that the reader quickly find somebody attractive to look at or an decent erotic story to read in order to prevent a permanent shutdown of the sexual drive.Jordie is a successful rock star.  He thinks he is gay because he enjoys having sex with men, but it turns out he just hasn't met a woman who knows how to use soap yet.  Sapphire (yes, Sapphire) is a beautiful seventeen-year-old fan with "anime-like eyes" who wins a "Best Night Ever" contest and gets to meet him.  He quickly notices that she has used soap before and decides that this whole "gay" thing was a mistake.  After reflecting on both the abuse by an older male cousin and the beyond disgusting details of the first sexual experience with a woman that made him determine he was gay (because that is how homosexuality works, people!), he proposes that he eat her "furry little burger."However, after the trip down Memory Lane, the reader is excused if Jordie's sweet nothings fail to arouse (let's just hope said reader isn't eating cheesecake while reading as Kavay assumes that we have no idea how to picture the symptoms of a severe yeast infection without a descriptive assist).  Every time the author gets into a groove of anything slightly erotic or romantic, she's compelled to wrench the train off the tracks with a disturbing plot twist or a gross visual.Let's see . . . there is Sapphire describing her terrible childhood and how her uncle is planning to rape her at his hunt camp in a matter of hours, the above-mentioned encounter between Jordie and a slightly older girl when he was a teenager, Jordie's observation that Sapphire knows how to keep herself clean (is this something rare?), and the actual details of the coupling between Jordie and Sapphire.  The story is clearly for those who like it rough, but the combination of Jordie's perceptions of the female form and Sapphire's "do-whatever-you-like-and-I'll-just-take-it-because-it-is-better-than-being-raped-by-my-uncle" attitude that is really stomach-turning.And let me just add that the best way to end a first time anal scene isn't to have the penetrator check when he's done to make sure that he didn't create "little anus hemorrhoids."  I really could have done without that final visual.In summary, the story is more stomach-churning than erotic; the entire undercurrent of the story is extremely misogynistic and yet also anti-gay; and I'm pretty sure that Sapphire, with her body that is so much cleaner than that of other women, her ability to write amazing song lyrics, her endless desire for pain, her wonky name, her "anime-like eyes," and her terrible situation that only Jordie (and not, say, law enforcement) can save her from is a stand-in for the author herself.This is it, people.  This is among the worst of the worst.  Proceed with extreme caution.