Review: Needs Editing and a serious rewrite
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 08 11, 2013
This book has the almost identical name to The Crystal Warrior (The Crystal Warriors) - a series by Maree Anderson (Aug 12, 2011).I was asked by Story Cartel to provide a reflective and honest appraisal and would not have given my time for free if I did not think there was a lot to like in this story.That said - well lets keep it brief:FROM THE TEXT OF THE NOVELLarissya was holding her dying grandmother in her arms when she felt it. The lump in her left forearm was moving! She looked up weakly and smiled. "It is time, Larissya," she whispered, and handed her the blade.Look at rule eleven in Strunk and White's popular English-usage book, The Elements of Style. "A participial phrase at the beginning of a sentence must refer to the grammatical subject."BETTERLarissya watched the lump moving in her dying grandmother's left forearm. Her grandmother became limp in Larrisya's arms and she whispered, "It is time Larissya." The golden quarlam blade pulsed with light and slipped from her ancient fingers to the cold damp floor of the cave._____How does one `look up weakly'? How is Larrisya holding her grandmother in her arms AND feeling the lump in her grandmother's forearm at the same time? I assume  Larrisya has three hands.No exlamation mark is needed. The change also cleans up the narrator's confusion between the characters - a perplexing problem that continues throughout the novel. The author has a real and persistent problem with point of view. Here, for example, Larissya seems to have a lump in her forearm but further reading reveals that is the grandmother that has the lump in her forearm instead, not Larissya. Larrissya is also the subject in the sentence, 'She looked up weakly and smiled ...' however, it is the grandmother who looks up weakly and smiles.Then a few lines later where we have, "What are you saying?" Larissya asked, looking down at her ancient, gnarled face. `Gnarled' is only used for limbs and joints - it means knobbly, twisted. `Weather beaten' is more correct and can be replaced by gnarled if it refers to limbs - not faces. For a weather beaten face use `weather beaten' or `leathery' or some more appropriate adjective that refers to old skin.Then we have a new character appear out of nowhere called Althea - who is then revealed as the grandmother.And on and on it goes.Nearly every character uses the same voice as the narrator.In the end this proved to be almost impossible to continue reading and the call kept getting louder and louder in my mind, `Where is the editor?" What incompetent let this novel get to print? Whoever edited this seriously needs to find a job as an errand boy or girl.Paradoxically, it is a ripping yarn. It is just destroyed by a writer who appears not to have done any rewrites - or does not know what a rewrite entails. This novel does not make me fall into its world - far too many reality checks. Far too many calls to the critical brain to stay alert for who is who and what is going on and just feeling disoriented by the unimagined physics of simply holding, standing and walking. These characters need extra body parts just to function in the world of the story. The comic book nature of human anatomy, such as cutting your foream to the bone is simply ridiculous and so the story loses me as I contemplate loss of arterial blood. Oh, and where is the light coming from in this cave?My advice - put the manuscript in a drawer for at least six months. Don't look at it. Then come back to it as a naive reader and red pencil every single faux pas. Then do a first rewrite. Then examine each and every dialogue tag and kill each and every adverb. Then when you can't find any issues hand it to a proper editor - who will find hundreds. At core, this is a wonderful story and it deserves that professional respect.The five star reviews for this book should look up the word 'shill'.