Review: Topless All Girl Trombone Band
Rating: 3 out of 5
Date: 07 22, 2014
I'll expand on the title of this review shortly but first some introductory comments.First contact books tend to fall into one of two categories today. The first is the Star Trek model where the Earth spaceship stumbles upon a new planet inhabited by humans or humanoid beings living in what seems to be very much a Jeffersonian Ideal America, circa, 1850. The captain gets into an adventure with a comely alien and they mate. The captain proclaims the natives to be friendly.The other trope is that implacable, mysterious, high tech aliens attack humans who are thrown back on their heels but fight back resourcefully and with a good deal of pluck.Yorktown: Katana Krieger #1 is utterly different. I can't certify it being a unique first contact book, but it's quite different from the vast majority out there which fit into one of the two categories above. Yet as much as the idea is great, the execution leaves a good deal to be desired.The problem is entirely with the narrator: Katana herself who is named captain of the small warship Yorktown. She's not just unconvincing; she's utterly laughable in this role. She assembles a mostly female crew who themselves aren't at all believable in the way they act or interact. During the first half of the novel I expected the captain to announce that all this space warfare business was just a feint and really, she's decided to form an all girl topless trombone band with herself as lead trombonist.While it lets up a bit in the second part of the book, in the first half, the captain is obsessed with various things to the point of driving a reader to distraction. One of these things is taking showers. We're told every few pages that she is either taking one or fantasizing about taking one. At one point she takes a 'longgg' (sic) hot shower, goes right to sleep and then wakes up to take another long hot shower.  At one point, stranded, and down to 1 liter per day of water in a life and death situation, the captain wonders not about rescue but how to wash her hair with that daily ration.Then we have her hair and others' hair too. She boasts that her hair isn't regulation and, after the showers, fluffs out to take up 'half the bridge'. This is the example set by the captain? She also pressures other females to grow long hair and approves when they do.The capper for me, on how this individual doesn't behave like any captain of a warship would is her insistence that she participates in one after another away missions. Captain Kirk beaming down may have made for good TV 50 years ago, but here, it's just idiocy. The top is when she and one trained Marine do an away mission to take over a hostile warship. She lacks the training or physical ability to be part of a team so she's really a captain and a bodyguard taking on an unknown number of foes. The situation is saved by the most laughable bit of good luck one can imagine.Can you imagine Dwight Eisenhower hitting the beach at Normandy on 6 Jun 44? Well, that's the equivalent of what the author would have you believe this captain does. Like I said, it's silly and all unbelievable fluff after fluff after shower and shampoo.In the end, a tedious read which takes one out of the moment time and time again due to the laughable antics of an unrealistic girl captain.  A good idea ruined by the topless trombone band personality of the protagonist.