Review: Save yourselves!
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 08 20, 2012
The Diamond Club, written by the anonymous internet hoard at the request of Justin Robert Young and Brian Brushwood under the Pen Name of Patricia Harkins-Bradley. Confusing? Let me try to explain.Two gentlemen, flummoxed over the wild media frenzy and resulting popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey and subsequent book trends, decided to compile a bunch of unedited/unread stories submitted by their fans, slap a cover similar to FSoG, ask said viewers to push the book to the TOP 10 List on iTunes, and then sit back and see if:- Unsuspecting consumers would be duped into buying it.- Appeal to lonely housewives.- See if anyone would notice that it was all just a silly, harmless joke. (we're all laughing)Our recommendation: anyone who has purchased this book unknowing of the "inside joke", basing their purchasing decisions upon Top 10 sales and false reviews, should ask for their money back.Fraud: an intentional deception made to damage another individual or for personal gain, be that gain of prestige or monetary gain.  A hoax involves deception, but without the intention of gain or of damaging or depriving the victim.Justin Robert Young admitted in a comment for an amazon review, "I grant you "lonely housewives" is a pejorative and was made to pander to an audience at least somewhat hostile to the erotica/romance community. If we could have done the same thing without using that phrase, I wish we would have in hindsight."Another commenter, xalidus, theorized that "Just because some buyers aren't aware of that second, behind-the-scenes, level doesn't mean they are the victims..." That specifically DOES make them victims. This was clearly stated the NSFW video posted to youtube by the two guys. Fans were asked to push it to the top ten by purchasing AND THEN see if it can float on water.This isn't a hoax or a joke, but fraudulent to anyone DUPED into purchasing without prior knowledge that this is not some "experimental project for lonely housewives."To keep in the spirit of the book, this review was crowd-sourced. No one author has read this entire review all the way through. We wanted to have trendy topics, like grammar, continuity, and implausibility. Make sure everyone votes this review up. The goal is to hit the top page of the reviews. So everyone must vote tomorrow to make sure the review gets the necessary momentum. We can't wait to see how far this experimental review goes. If we get enough likes we may use the popularity to have a large party at the next RomCon. Ready? Here we go...Chapter OneHello World  -  We meet Brianna Young and Roman Dyle, and learn why she's out to get her "professional and sexual revenge."Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 10Huh, WTF?: 7LOLs: 0Thoughts: Brianna says that Roman was the only one she'd given herself to sexually, but later says she won't be the other woman this time. How is it a shotgun marriage, was Roman forced?  What female would discribe herself having alabaster thighs?  Roman wants to be the King of the Internet, but doesn't know how to do it?  I think both characters are idiots.Chapter TwoAnd so it begins... - We learn how Brianna gets the invitation to the Diamond Club.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 2Huh, WTF?: 3LOLs: 2Thoughts: The fight/destruction scene doesn't make much sense.  Is Roman just standing there watching the fit she's throwing?  Last chapter they had sex at his place an hour before his married post.  This chapter, they only had sex in the office. The two laughs were 1) that he smexed anyone including "fake bake orange" and 2) out of nowhere they say not only did she get smexed and fired but he ran over her dog. It was just too out of left field...Chapter ThreeThe Diamond Club - We see the inside of the Diamond Cluba and Brianna's first sexual experience.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 2Huh, WTF?: 8LOLs: 0Thoughts: She asks herself if she's peed her panties?  What's the facination with Shaun White? Her brain popped.  What the heck does that mean?  One" quick little manuever" and Sergio's all the way in.  This writer apparently doesn't know anything about anal entercourse.Chapter FourRiding a Mustang - Briana meets a cowboy named Jack.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 3LOLs: 0Thoughts: How exactly is sleeping with as many people as possible going to be sexual revenge on a man who is very active himself?  Just not seeing the point there.  Mr. Cowboy has spurs on his boots why?  She is able to take his jeans off without removing his boots.  Right...Chapter FiveCupcake Tryst - Brianna meets up with her friend, Justine, at her cupcake shop to chat and more.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 1Huh, WTF?: 5LOLs: 0Thoughts:  Brianna is a one way friend.  Some friend, how about returning the favor.  Spraying orgasms that cannon across the room to hit display cases?! Dafurck?!Chapter SixSleepless in San Francisco - Brianna has a motorcycle ride with a red haired girl with a stop to enjoy themselves. Dream Sequence.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 8Huh, WTF?: 7LOLs: 0Thoughts: A bunch of clothing descrepancies, bit this can be excused by the fact that it turns out to be a dream.  Brianna, again, shows that she's a one-sided lover.  WTF is with the gun?!  I think the writer might be asking for help there.  Sigh...more spraying orgasms.  Brianna has swamp cooch.Chapter SevenWings Spread - Brianna decides to take a trip...to the bathroom with a stranger.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 8Huh, WTF?: Too many to count.LOLs: 0Thoughts: Bulging cooter, the sack of which bounced against the stuble of her thighs? V-shaped figure? Morse code?  His smile was soft, tender like the lymph nodes of her armpits?! Seriously, WTF did I just read?!Chapter EightDriven All the Way Home - Brianna grabs a ride from a limo driver.  Oh, and he takes her home too.Spelling Errors: 5Grammatical Errors: 31Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: It looks like Brianna is quickly becoming a hot mess.  I mean, she has no memory of what happened the previous night and has lost her entire purse, including ID.Chapter NineNo Lights, No Camera, All Action - Brianna meets a movie grip named Vincent Bradshaw.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 4Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: How does someone let out a scream of passion without sound?Chapter TenSizzling Griddles - Brianna hits IHOP because she's hungry.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 5LOLs: 1Thoughts: Purple prose anyone?  How are pancakes poignant, or omelettes ostentatious?  She calls her vag a gorge, yep, gorge and then she calls it a safety square.  I have no idea what a safety square is.  My laugh was for breakfast juices being poured over his sausage.Chapter ElevenThree-Legged Larry - Brianna is feeling patriotic.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 1Huh, WTF?: 4LOLs: 1Thoughts:  Why is she working for Roman again?  Shouldn't Larry's name be Two and a half Legged Larry?  He's getting a specially fitted shoe, that's what made me laugh. Yeah...okay.Chapter TwelveAn Unexpected Tryst - Brianna grabs a quickie.Spelling Errors: oGrammatical Errors: 8Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: I don't get the dog food reference.Chapter ThirteenSummer Fun -  One of Roman's interns approaches Brianna for help in starting a similar business to Roman's.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 4Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: Brianna just happens to have handcuffs under a couch cushion?  How could she have "forgotten how hard it was to get a woman off" when she's never tried before?  How does she know this isn't Roman using the intern to rip off her ideas again?Chapter FourteenOn the Trail - Brianna interviews a possible client.Spelling Errors: 3Grammatical Errors: 6Huh, WTF?: 6LOLs: 0Thoughts: Again, why is she working for Roman still?  Was she not fired in chapter one?  Brianna comes across as a huge itch with a b in this chapter.Chapter FifteenDelay of Game - Brianna goes to the Diamond Club to meet with a friend and watch a game.Spelling Errors: 2Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 4LOLs: 0Thoughts: Who is Leonard? Why does it sound like she's now been a lifelong member of this Diamond Club?  When did she start working at a bank?  Dancing flames and breaking glass?Chapter SixteenMy Night In - Brianna spends an evening with a guy named Zachary, but doesn't invite him to spend the night.Spelling Errors: 2Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 0LOLs: 0Thoughts: Nothing spectacular about this chapter, good or bad.Chapter SeventeenIn Circus Tent - Brianna goes to the circus.Spelling Errors: 5Grammatical Errors: 8Huh, WTF?: 3LOLs: 0Thoughts:  This is about the dumbest chapter yet.  Why would anyone ask her if she knew Roman?  I know, I know...why does anyone do anything in this book...but why even bring that up?  It has really nothing to do with the price of tea.Chapter EighteenThe Good Samaritans - Brianna meets a singer called Sasha at the Diamond Club and hangs out with her for a night.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts:  OMG, dumpster cuisine?!  Gross.Chapter NineteenStrawberry Fields - Brianna reminisces about her neighbor's fondness for strawberries and strawberry vendor, Gary, at the farmer's market.Spelling Errors: 4Grammatical Errors: 2Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts:  Gary seems kind of violent.Chapter TwentyIn Need of a Screwdriver - Brianna decides to build an account for herself to find men.Spelling Errors: 2Grammatical Errors: 6Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: I thought Brianna was the code writer?  Now, it's Roman?Chapter Twenty OneRighty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey - Brianna goes to the Diamond Club to meet up with a guy, Jim, she met through the app.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: I think they are slipping, two chapters in a row where Brianna doesn't have sex?!  WTF?Chapter Twenty TwoScrews Included - Jim gives Brianna a tour of the IKEA store.Spelling Errors:  0Grammatical Errors: 6Huh, WTF?: 6LOLs: 1Thoughts: She smells his cologne with every orifice?  Her pelvic juices leave a puddle on the couch, eww.  Frozen hot dogs and he plans on still selling them? Sick pervert.  My one laugh was the vision of the IKEA manager doing her anally on a shopping cart while showing her the lighting department.Chapter Twenty ThreeThe Basement - Brianna meets with an investor, Steven, who is 30 and still living in his mother's basement.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 7Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: Brianna thinks that Steven has a "meat mountain."  Steven's mom went downstairs to offer them some snacks, sees them in the act, and decides to stay for the show.Chapter Twenty FourVodka Cranberry with a Twist of Passion  - Brianna meets a new female bartender named Charlie.Spelling Errors: 5Grammatical Errors: 18Huh, WTF?: 4LOLs: 0Thoughts: Cheesy pickup lines.  If Charlie wasn't doing well in tips, then why does she say no to Brianna's tip?  I'm assuming that this is a typo and the writer meant for her to say "Oh, thank you." not "No, thank you." The end has Brianna leaving Charlie sitting on the floor of the break room in a puddle of swamp cooch juice and urine...yeah.Chapter Twenty FiveSoviet Sex Toy - Brianna meets a Russia MMA fighter.Spelling Errors: 11Grammatical Errors: 32Huh, WTF?: 4LOLs: 0Thoughts: Brianna was scraping to get his tight pants off?  That makes no sense.  She calls her vag a furry pouch.  More swamp cooch!  There was a lot of spelling errors but I'm letting them slide since I think the writer was trying to show the dude had an accent.Chapter Twenty SixTry Before You Bi - Brianna breaks her iPhone and goes to the store and talks to Madison to get it fixed.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 1Huh, WTF?: 3LOLs: 1Thoughts: This one sounds like it was written by a juvenile.  The word use is just silly.  Brianna and Madison have "melons" and a coworker that joins them out back for some fun has a dong, which he uses to "pound away on her booty."  The one small laugh was that they had "the big O."  A couple of chapters ago Brianna says it's been a year since she first went to the Diamond Club, now it's only been yesterday.  And she's now all, "Let's call Roman!"Chapter Twenty SevenA Golden Opportunity - Brianna meets Mike the Gold Buyer.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 0LOLs: 0Thoughts: We're back to hating Roman, yay! Surprise, surprise, Mike the gold guy likes golden showers too.  There really isn't much else to comment on here.Chapter Twenty EightA Masterpiece - Brianna and Justine go to see an art exhibit of Hugo Vega.Spelling Errors: 2Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: Wow, some friend Brianna is...just ditches Justine at the art show while she goes off with the artist that Justine really liked and wanted to meet.  The rest is really boring.  Oh, also in this chapter Justine has never heard Brianna talk about the Diamond Club.Chapter Twenty NineBratwurst for Wear - The cook is a no show for work at the Diamond Club so Brianna offers to pick up the called in lunch order for the employees.Spelling Errors: 4Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: More purple prose. Brianna now has a love mitt.Chapter ThirtyBang! - Brianna meets celebrity chef Alfeo Mediati and gets a special cooking lesson.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 3LOLs: 0Thoughts: Sex scene is described in a way that almost seems unfeasible. They both shout bang a few times throughout the story. Once is too many, IMO. She's back to working the app, BTW.Chapter Thirty OneBreaking the Mold - OMG, help me!....I'm drowning in innuendos....gurgle, gurggg...sputter cough. While at the Diamond Club, Brianna hooks up with Sophia, the custom molded dildo salesperson.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: I stopped counting.Huh, WTF?: 6LOLs: 1Thoughts: Hyperbole, entendre, and puns, oh my! Brianna is in raging bitch mode again. Someone really likes the noir writing style. Some of the sentences...wow. For instance, she was so wet; she wished she'd worn a pad.Chapter Thirty TwoDo the Research - Brianna visits the home of a Professor John Gardner.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 0Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: The professor's eyes are amber at first and then they are evergreen, other than that this chapter isn't bad. I actually kind of liked it, though it made little sense and brings up more unanswered questions.Chapter Thirty ThreeNo Objections - Prosecuting Attorney, Ace Wrightworth asks Brianna for help.Spelling Errors: 1Grammatical Errors: 2Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: The P.A. asks Brianna to lie on the witness stand, to pretend that she witnessed a murder. She agrees.Chapter Thirty FourOh, Doctor! - Brianna decides a visit to her gyno would be a good idea, to "get checked out down there" just to make sure everything is good.Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 1Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: She smexes the doctor. The end.Chapter Thirty FiveNerdiest and Dirtiest - A Cosplay Convention has come to town and set up some parts inside the Diamond Club. Brianna is on the hunt for someone to pack her hole. (I think I've lost my objectivity...)Spelling Errors: 0Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 0LOLs: 0Thoughts: Brianna ssmexes a guy in a cosplay outfit at a convention. Hmmm, wonder who wrote this or who it was meant for?...Chapter Thirty SixSymphony of Sex and Silence - Brianna helps a DJ playing at the Diamond Club with his equipment.Spelling Errors: 8Grammatical Errors: 3Huh, WTF?: 2LOLs: 0Thoughts: What does the DJ's (DJ Vibrofone) name have to do with alliteration?Chapter Thirty SevenThe Business Card - Brianna receives a business card from a man famous for his meetings.Spelling Errors: 15Grammatical Errors: I stopped counting.Huh, WTF?: 1LOLs: 0Thoughts: I wish writers would decide whether they're writing in present or past tense, using both is just annoying! If Brianna is wearing shoes and stockings, her legs aren't bare now are they? Mike smexes her in the parking lot on top of her car, then leaves with, "Be at peace, Brianna Young." That's hot, huh? Be at peace?Chapter Thirty EightThe Honeymoon - Brianna officiates a wedding.Spelling Errors: 2Grammatical Errors: 2Huh, WTF?: Oh my @&%!...LOLs: 0Thoughts: I can't... Ok, let me see if I can explain this one. The dude from the airport bathroom, well, he was the son of Dia Monde, the owner of the club. Her ex-husband, Craig, is a ventriloquist, who asks Brianna to officiate the marriage of Craig to his dummy. The son, Les, then locks her in a room with the newlyweds to partake in the honeymoon. Yeah, that just happened.You know I think there is plenty enough damning evidence here why you should not buy this book.  There should be no doubts if I read it or not.  If you still click to buy this book...well that's on you.  Good luck!