Review: SPOILERS AHEAD
Rating: 4 out of 5
Date: 07 2, 2010
THE BAD WIDOW: UNAUTHORIZED STAGE ADAPTATION [WITH SPOILERS]SCENE 1:  The forest.LOUT #1:  I'm hulking.LOUT #2:  I'm spotty.ROSE:  I'm sassy.  And I do magic.  Also, my name is Rose Thorne.LOUT #1:  We will overlook that last upsetting detail.  Have sex with us![Enter WILL and a HORSE.  WILL beats up the LOUTS.]WILL:  ...ROSE:  You're mute!  Awesome!  I hate a man who talks.WILL: ...SCENE 2:  Rose's cottage.[ROSE and WILL have SEX.][A LOT.][It is PRETTY HOT.]SCENE 3:  Still Rose's cottage.A SUDDEN ANGRY MOB:  Speaking of hot things, BURN THE WITCH!ROSE:  You must flee, sexy mute guy!  Here, I have a trap door.WILL: ...ROSE:  Shut up and flee!WILL:  ...ROSE:  OK, then I'm turning you into a frog.FROG-WILL:  ...ribbit?PASTOR SMITH:  That was odd.  Anyway, DIE, WITCH.ROSE:  Hi, Pastor Smith.  Do I have time to get dressed, or are you admiring the view?ANGRY MOB:  Oh snap!  ...We mean, BURN HER!SCENE 4:  The duck pond, where witches are ducked, geddit?ROSE:  FYI, I just cast a limpness spell on all your willies.PASTOR SMITH:  For that and other acts of wanton sassiness, we shall drown you in an odd mishmash of interrogation techniques currently being adapted for execution!ROSE:  You're tying me to a chair, putting a giant rock on top of me AND throwing me into water, while claiming I'll float if I'm INNOCENT?  Did you even read *The Witch of Blackbird Pond*?PASTOR SMITH:  SILENCE, WITCH!FROG-WILL (nearby): Ribbit!SCENE 5:  The bottom of the duck pond.ROSE:  Hi, creepy yet comedic underwater corpses![ROSE does a Houdini-worthy underwater escape from her bonds, ties a random dead lady to the chair and floats it back up to the surface.]THE ANGRY MOB:  ...okay then.SCENE 6:  Rose's cottage again.NO-LONGER-FROG-WILL:  ...ROSE (mounting him):  Sexy mute guy!  You're back!WILL:  ...ROSE (in the throes of ecstasy):  And you're a magical fairy person, like me!WILL:  Ribbit, baby.ROSE:  Shut up and take me back to fairyland.[He does.][Curtain.]AUDIENCE:  Wait, so why was it called "The Bad Widow"?AUTHOR:  Well, you know, she went by "Widow Thorne" for reasons not really explained in the story, and... look, I lost a bet, all right?AUDIENCE (indulgently):  That's all right.  You made it fairly awesome under the circumstances.AUTHOR (beaming):  Ribbit, baby.