Review: I loved it, but I feel like a survivor
Rating: 5 out of 5
Date: 02 9, 2011
The most incoherent review I'll ever write. What is it about this book that grabbed me so much that I couldn't put it down no matter what was happening? There are a lot of things here that I usually don't appreciate: the main characters (and everyone else) cry every two pages; the main characters go through so many painful things that it's just not possible unless God has specifically something against you; the story goes back and forth between the past and the present and part of it is written as a sort of diary so you get a book in a book while it's being written and while it's being read; Brandon - the main narrator - seems cold and detached and maybe even whiny for a long time. But but but but but I'm in love with this book.And I know why. I feel so close to Brandon that I hurt throughout the book. Not good enough. Not loved enough. Not useful enough. Not nice enough. Not funny enough. Not outgoing enough. The best compliment that he could receive: talented and closed off. The best way he could be perceived: cold, disinterested, distant. His blessing and damnation: falling in love with someone like Nicholas, who is the natural magnet of people's affection, basking in his spotlight and living with the fear of losing the everything he has become for him. Brandon loses himself completely in Nicholas, he is annihilated in his lover, who becomes the center and goal of his life.Brandon's perspective of the events is twisted and bent like space-time around a black hole and although Nicholas is regarded as a sunny guy who brings joy and happiness in everyone's life, he ends up sucking away all of Brandon's energy and sanity, because Brandon goes through hell to keep him safe and content, up to the point of making Nicholas let him go. I think it's very significant that we hear about Brandon writing his music up until he meets Nicholas and then his music, which is his talent, becomes quite incidental in his life.Although I complained about the flashbacks, I think they saved me because the story read in chronological order would have torn me apart. From the very first time Brandon and Nicholas meet, there is disdain, hate and violence around them, and in Brandon's flawed view they take center stage almost obnubilating their good times and achievements. When the narration switches to Nicholas, we finally see the sunnier side of the story, how Brandon is cherished by his lover. And thank you, dear Author, for breaking my heart all over again, because it becomes clear the time and strength Brandon wasted while thinking he was never good enough for Nicholas.In all this ordeal there is a mystery to be unravelled regarding who has been blackmailing Brandon for ten years - Brandon and Nicholas are rockstars in the closet - and has had Nicholas kidnapped and tortured. I think it's pretty obvious, but the author kept her cards close to her chest and unsettled me in the second part of the book with disturbing behaviors by all the secondary characters involved. Very good.The book is long, angsty, twisted, warped, confusing, but I think the author made an incredible portrait of Brandon's personality and it deeply resonated with me. I'd recommend it to patient people.