Review: A Short Sweet Story
Rating: 4 out of 5
Date: 05 30, 2014
I loved the story here. It reminded me initially of C. S. Lewis's "The Great Divorce" about how awful, scary, frightful heaven can be to those who don't belong there. Then there was an underlying love story here that I liked. It was a bright hopeful sort of story.Here's where the story could win more five star reviews. The author needs to polish up the first quarter of the story where Dani and her friend are speaking. We hop in and out of their heads on the same page. This confuses the reader. We can still understand another person's reaction by their expression and so we don't need to "get in their thoughts". The author could write this from only one point of view and still convey what she intends. Secondly, there are a few run-on sentences that make little sense. This would take a professional copy-editor about half an hour to fix.Then there are parts I didn't find believable such as when she shoes the boyfriend away. I expected him to reappear like the jerk that he was, but he didn't. This was a disappointment because his return and subsequent 'boot' could have added good layers to the story.Then there was the part in the field beyond with the psychologist. I believed it but it could be made better with more sensory detail, and more detailed and paced action and reaction. I longed to visualize that field. What did it smell like? Weren't there any animals? Flowers? Wind?The author is a good writer, and this is a good story.I would change my review to a five if the story is lengthened and improved upon. I could love it instead of just liking it.