Review: Healthy Frozen Delights
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 05 13, 2013
The cover of this story features a couple of scoops of vanilla, ones that might, if fully unveiled, might features cherries atop those mounds, but frozen delights?  I suspect they'd melt frozen foods.Tessa fantasizes about Shane, whose large orange truck delivers her diet plan, although she was thin enough not to need one.  Perhaps the author should have put him in a yellow Schwann's truck, which comes more frequently, and carries frozen pizza (they make a couple of premium grocery store pizza brands) and ice cream that's as good as Turkey Hill.  On the other hand, my Schwann man was always in a rush, making it difficult to add a 3-pounf box of PDQ shrimp or a 2.5 gallon tin of chocolate almond ice cream.  C'mon, there's more sales commissions in digging more out of the truck than in driving it to the next house, isn't there?Ah,but we're reviewing fiction, not frozen food delivery. The story develops slowly, as much women's porn does, as he lusts for her, and she for him, without anyone willing to make the first move.Once the author stops humming Carly Simon's "Anticipation" in her mind, and starts humming Rod "Stewart's "Do You Think I'm Sexy?", the story gets a little mechanical, and a little, dare I say it, boring?  A male-oriented author would have been humming Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and moved into "Bicycle Race"so that the well-thumbed pages would deserve to be well-thumbed.  Of course, a male-oriented author would have been humming "Fat Bottomed Girls (Make The Rockin' World Go Round)" when he introduced us to Tessa.  And, I would remind you, Queen got its name for being flaming queens, not for being as stoic royals such as Queen Elizabeth.There's nothing wrong with this story as being women's erotica, except that it doesn't qualify as prurient matter, there being no pruritis induced.  And if you deflate the balloon, there's not much reason to read erotica, is there?The whole thing reminds me of a Craigslist ad that went viral, offering a nearly-full box of 36 Magnum rubbers, that being a size few guys can fill, and the three missing rubbers being a reminder that she can't seem to keep a relationship going, she was offering the rest for free, as long as the recipient was polite in requesting it.  It made me want to call her up, just to talk.Because, you know, although my little brother insists that sex is like business; when it's great, it's great, and when it's bad, it's not bad. Little brother, though has never owned a business.  I have, and let me tell you, when it comes to bad sex, I'd rather share a cup of coffee with a nice lady who is able to carry her half of an engaging conversation. After all, we talk of having sexual relations, and there are no relations without a relationship.  One might as well buy a Resusci-Annie.Maybe, just maybe, some women will really enjoy this book, but I would rather enjoy a cup of Chock-Full-O-Nuts coffee, black, while listening to Maria Bartiromo conduct an interview on CNBC.Masturbation, as Robert Heinlein pointed out inTime Enough for Love, is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing -- and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely.