Review: Choppy Writing & Weak Character
Rating: 1 out of 5
Date: 10 14, 2012
I was hoping for a decent short story read, something that would push me on to read more from the author. What I got instead was choppy sentences, boring/dumb characters, along with a few thrown in paranormal events.WARNING: this review may be riddled with what some may call spoilers. Read at own risk.Example of Choppiness:"Her hands vibrated. She rubbed them on the back other skirt. Her equilibrium was off. She wanted to keel over. She wiped her puffy eyes." (Loc. 18-24) Exactly as written.And it doesn't stop there. Like a literary minefield stiff and boring sentences like the above appear throughout this short story.Dumb/Boring Characters:Shania- this is the main character and mother of a little girl named Lydia. Okay half the time, I thought this woman was going through PTSD. While people were talking to her she is hearing random phrases from her grandmother about swords and magic at her grandmother's funeral/dinner. (It was never clear of which it was.) When I had finally become convinced she was just crazy a psycho character comes in and makes Shania look very sane. Meet Corbin.Corbin- Corbin is Shania's soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. (Author's words, not mine.) Why she didn't just break up with him after she mistakenly slept with him...I don't know. Or how about when she (SPOILER:) aborts his child (SPOILER ENDED) days earlier...I still don't know. What makes Corbin a lunatic? (SPOILER:) How about the fact he proposes marriage the day of her grandmother's funeral. Or that he shows up drunk to do it. Or the fact that he cold cocks her in the face TWICE at said funeral after she rebuts him. (SPOILER ENDED) The men escort him out of the funeral or dinner, whatever it is, and he shouts that it isn't over and he will get Shania's bastard daughter like she got his unborn black child. Logically you and I would think, "There are witnesses to his aggregious  violence against this grieving woman. CALL THE POLICE! Press charges. Get him arrested. Beat him up. Something!!" Nothing. The only vigilante justice dear Corbin received came from the mouth of a dog, who just so happens to be named Thor. He bites his arm.So rightfully, what happens when the woman (Shania) goes home and goes to sleep. She wakes upto a dead dog and a note saying next time it will be your daughter. Instead of just getting the daughter the first time. And what does Shania do after she wakes up to a dead dog? She watches as her young daughter resurrect the animal and then they go back to sleep. Yep, just like that.And dear Corbin still thinks he has a chance with Shania. And simpleton Shania still sleeps in the apartment that was just broken into wither young daughter that is in danger.Lydia- no personality at all in this prequel and she just burst out into a mini priestess at will.Maddy- Shania's bestie. She was just pointless aside from the author's use of utilizing Maddy for info dumping.Random Paranormal:Priests, dreams, revival, transformation, magic, earthquakes, glowing box, whispered words, and ritualistic mutalilation sums up the this story and none of it is done even remotely well.There is plenty more wrong with this but I couldn't get further into it without revealing the entire 211 locations of this story.Overall, I wouldn't read the book this prequel belongs to if she paid me 99 and I will safely pass on reading anything else from this author any time soon.Note to Author:Keep writing! My review may be harsh but it comes from a good place and I believe you can improve. Despite it all this story was original.