Review: Sweet Valley Snark
Rating: 5 out of 5
Date: 02 25, 2013
When I was in sixth grade I found Sweet Valley Valley High.  I devoured the books...scoured the library and begged and worked for money to run out and buy them all.  If I read each book once I read it fifteen times.  No that is not an exaggeration.  My grandma finally asked me if 'they were naughty books' because I had always been a reader but Sweet Valley turned quickly into an addiction.  "No Gram," I said innocently praying that she would never find out about Bruce copping a feel on Elizabeth while she was whacked out after her motorcycle accident.  And oh boy did I ever hide the cover to #5 "Up All NIght"...I knew how dirty that looked and I loved it!  (Alas those darn books were unrealistically squeaky clean, so frustrating for me!)  A few years ago I was home for six weeks healing after surgery.  I decided to buy the books online again to relive some of my youth I guess.  Only then did I start to realize how truly horrible these books were.  Yet, I still read through the entire series again.  My obsession was reeling its ugly head.  I always realized that the timelines did not make sense....but I ignored the odd time warp and never let it interfere with my love of the stories.  As a heavy pre-teen I can't believe I didn't recognize the disdain for chubby girls that the book portrays but I didn't.  As an adult I saw right away that if you weren't blonde and size 6 you were a nobody in Sweet Valley.  I loved Elizabeth growing up and I wanted to be just like her.  Yet when I re-read the series I found her so annoying and sanctimonious. I still had fun hating on Jess and Lila though.  They were the best.  And I think Bruce Patman was my first ever book boyfriend.Reading "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Perfect By Now", was like sitting with a friend and rehashing all these crazy books and snarking on them and laughing at them.  The author points out the many obvious things I never recognized as a child:  How superficial all the characters were, how no one ever seemed to need to use the restroom, how all these couples were madly in love but anyone who even thought about it became branded as a nasty.  And where were these parents every single time one or both of their daughters were being kidnapped or the victim of a would be raping or murder?  I don't want to quote any lines but there were some comments that made me laugh hysterically.  The author does a fantastic job of deconstructing the series in a hilarious manner and yet still she still respects the stories and recognizes their importance to many a pre-teen in the 80's and early 90's.  She is allowed (encouraged) to make fun at these stories because she was a fan too.  There is something lasting about Sweet Valley and something about that silly made up town that many, many years later, I still will rush out to buy any new product that comes out about Sweet Valley.  Even though "Sweet Valley Confidential" was a huge train wreck, I still bought the Sweet Life e-serial stories as they were released.  I have to say I found "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Perfect By Now" is probably the most fun I have had with a Sweet Valley book as an adult.  If you have Sweet Valley nostalgia, you need to buy this.  Like Now.