Review: What? Why, Mary, Why?!
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 05 14, 2014
**Calms down after 3 hours of sputtering**First a note to Ms. Mary Calmes, purveyor of sugar everywhere: The review is critical only because I love you so much, Mary. In the words of every teacher I ever had: Mary is not working up to her potential. In the words of parents everywhere: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed….Ok, it’s like this….Recently, I read a perfect review on GR of a Mary Calmes book. I have no idea where this review is to be found as I’m too busy commenting on GR’s threads to find it, but I’d like to thank this person because they’re brilliant.This reviewer compared Mary Calmes’ books to apple pie. Sometimes she’s apple cobbler, sometimes she’s an apple cinnamon muffin, sometimes she has a lattice crust or is more of an apple crumble.  However, no matter what form you bake her in, she's always going to be apple pie. Yes, her characters, plots and…oh, yeah everything, is repetitive. But sometimes you just want apple pie. Sweet, reliable & readily available for your consumption. That’s why that reviewer (me too!) still reads Mary Calmes, even in the face of all acknowledged “What the freak is wrong with me?” Why am I still reading this poop?” Note to self: contact therapist immediately. Is Zoloft an option?I’m going to take this apple metaphor one step further. Sometimes you think you’re getting a nice, juicy apple pie. You actually have apple pie in the house and it looks delicious. So you serve some up and take a huge bite, ready to feel that sweet satisfaction coursing through your veins…but then. Oh then! You realize that what you’re eating is actually a gluten-free apple pie. And even more terrible – a sugar-free, gluten-free apple pie. With freakin’ Stevia instead of sugar. And you can only exclaim, “What the freak is this excrement?”‘Cause sometimes, despite what your doctor says about avoiding gluten & sugar, YOU NEED SOME FREAKING FLOUR & SUGAR, PEOPLE. And that’s what this book is; gluten-free, sugar-free apple pie. All the ingredients of a classic Calmes pie are there, but they’re like cardboard in your mouth.Here are a few of the signs that you’ve entered Calmesian territory:1. Pea coats masquerading as wool topcoats. WE SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, MARY. We’re not STUPID, you know.2. Cops, lots & lots of cops. Who are always rebels, bucking the very system they strive to protect. Jebus.3. Orgasm-inducing sexy times. The woman does know how to write a sex scene, however there is a severe lack of them in this book. The first isn’t until 74% of the way into the book. Whatever, Mary.4. Testosterone-driven men who are well-over 6ft tall whose animal magnetism gives out heat like a…like a…HEATER. (The word “heat” is mentioned in conjunction with Cord in 11 places. I counted.) In their defense they do know how to talk dirty & are enjoyably alpha.5. MC’s who are either fantastically good-looking but pay no mind to it or insist they’re plain, even when EVERYONE AROUND THEM remarks on how “pretty” they are. This is the same issue I have with het romance & one reason I rarely read it anymore: if I were super good looking I’d at least have the decency to know it. The heck, Mary?6. 18 – 25 pages of flashbacks, always while in the middle of a conversation in the present, followed by someone yelling their name in annoyance & ending in “chuckle, chuckle, oops, guess I drifted off there.” No kidding, jerk. TRY SOME RITALIN.7. 13 people explaining to the MC why he’s just so wonderful & giving & loyal & BARF-O-RAMA.8. People “lunging” into hugs. This just sounds painful.9. People “gasping” or “catching their breath” at the general wonderfulness and/or generosity of the MC (see #7). I think these people need to get their lungs checked out by a doctor.10. Characters are never allowed to finish their sentences. These people desperately need to read “That's Not What I Meant!” by Deborah Tannen.11. Eyebrows that lift, raise & arch. Also, furrow. However, we have only one “waggle” here, people.12. I could go on (I haven’t even mentioned the fact that “real men” wears huge boots, but only snobby jerks wear loafers) but I CAN TAKE THIS NO LONGER.Here’s my advice. Although I highly doubt there’s a reader in the MM world who hasn’t read at least something by this author, I offer this warning: I swear to jebus, do not read Calmes unless you enjoy being addicted to crack. RUN. SAVE YOURSELF. It’s too late for me. I’m prepared to sell my toaster to get my hands on this woman’s next book.But if you want to start somewhere, go with Matter of Time vol 1. NOT THIS EXCREMENT.Or go read “Frog” by Mary Calmes. It’s good, it’s short and it’ll give you a general idea of what you’re getting into.My prayers are with you, Calmes-virgins.P.S. I would say more about the actual plot of this book. But it would include too many spoilers. Let me just say that I hate the ex-boyfriend in this book - WHY did so much of the book have to concentrate on this *&^^%^&* guy? HE'S NOT EVEN INTERESTING, HE'S JUST A JERK, MARY.