Review: Caged Hearts was a Forgettable Read
Rating: 2 out of 5
Date: 10 15, 2013
Spoiler Alert!!!!!!!I just completed Caged Hearts and honestly, I found the story lacking in substance (if one can even expect substance when reading a piece of erotic literature). Sadly, I found the characters unbelievable, under-developed and frankly very juvenile.  The dialogue was wooden and seemed like something a teen might think was sexy or "deep".There were only three main characters in the story:  Selene; Tony, Selena's cousin; Dorian, the white "love" interest.  Oh, and Dorian's dad makes a guest appearance near the end of the story to solve the main problem of the story. Very convenient.Selene is described as an overweight, dark-skinned woman with curly hair that's "only to her shoulders"--- her words.  We learn that she is disliked by most of her family because of her appearance and for supporting her cousin's dream of being a fighter. Throughout the course of the story, we are told that this unfortunate woman has experienced every negative life circumstance possible and is a walking bundle of self-loathing and insecurity.  Let your imagination wander.  You'll probably figure out the issues--- they're so predictable.She shares an apartment with her single ATTRACTIVE male cousin, Tony, an up-and-coming cage fighter. Selene behaves like his housekeeper or pseudo-girlfriend (nothing sexual going on here, so don't get freaked out) by cooking and cleaning for free. Why?  Who knows. Oh, sorry, it's because she is used to being the family punching bag and outcast.  That's the reason.  He allows her to take care of his needs. For free.  He loves her.Selene lives vicariously through Tony the cage fighter. She supports his career when their family doesn't. She thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread. But it doesn't seem like she goes to his fights at all.  Curious.  Did I mention that Tony is the only one in her family that loves her? Well, he is, so...  He has friends. She apparently doesn't.  She berates his friends because they don't use their brains only their brawn.  Problem? None of them are interested in her romantically. I'm assuming they're hot or something. She isn't, 'cause she's fat remember?  Hideously fat and horribly unattractive.  She must be a real beast.  She is apparently rude to Tony's friends regularly. She refers to his best friends as Meatheads 1, 2, 3 and 4.  Isn't she a clever girl.  Wait, doesn't that make Tony a Meathead too? Shouldn't he be Meathead #5? Guess not. He's a cage fighter after all. And he loves her.  He lets her take care of all his needs.  For Free.Does Selene work outside of the apartment?  I don't know.  Is she going to school?  I don't know.  She is fat, lonely, sexually frustrated and likes to read Stephen King novels. That, I do know. Did I mention Tony is a cage fighter? Did I mention Selene cooks and cleans for him?  For Free?  Did I mention he is the only one in her family that loves her? Well, he is, so...But on to the main event:  The plot (?) One weekend, Tony the cage fighting cousin invites one of his cage fighting colleagues home for the weekend to "relax" and be pampered by his live-in cousin/housekeeper/Selene before the two of them leave for a big fight in Las Vegas. Poor pitiful Selene agrees to this weekend arrangement because Tony has agreed to buy her groceries for two weeks.  Really?  How much food are we talking about here? Isn't he going to be eating that food too?  Is he really doing her a favor??? They live together. WTF? Was Selene buying the food AND cooking it for free? Any-Hoo, Selene meets meathead #4 AKA Dorian.  He's gorgeous; he's built, he's white (interracial romance,  okay); he's a horny women's sexual fantasy on three legs ; )  She cooks (and serves). They eat.  They drink. He asks her deep philosophical questions about life (not really) and her current book ('cause she reads, understand?). He actually looks at her when they speak.  Mercy!!!! No one does that.  You'll be surprised to learn that Selene is immediately sexually and emotionally enthralled by Meathead 4, I mean Dorian. And he is actually literate--- he reads Stephen King novels too. That means he likes her, doesn't it?? Ain't lust grand?  BTW, I keep mentioning the reading because the book is used as a plot device later in the story.Sexy Time!!!!Later that night, after showering and fantasizing about Dorian, Selene engages in a "little personal time" with her handy-dandy massively sized dildo. It's big.  Really, Really Big.  But I'm sure not as big as, oh never mind... What name is she calling out when she reaches her special moment? Go ahead, GUESS.  Lurking outside the bedroom door which Selene carelessly doesn't close all the way, Dorian witnesses this and, well, I'll let you find out what happens from there.  I don't want to spoil all of the fun of discovery. Take a walk on the wild side.Maybe it's Just Me but I'm Just Saying...After the weekend concludes,Tony and Dorian do go off to Las Vegas for Dorian's big cage fight.  They leave the apartment and don't say goodbye to Selene or anything.  Gone, gone, gone.  Why couldn't Selene go along to the fight too?  What's that all about?  I guess she's not allowed to leave the apartment.  I guess at least she doesn't have to formally engage in the walk of shame.  Maybe she'd scare the women and children folk?  Maybe it's another sad plot device to give the story drama.But wait.  There's more!!!! Let me just say that I have only spoiled the beginning of the story.  All of this happens before all of the DRAMA (yes, I said the DRAMA)!  Twists. Turns. Intrigue! The Angst! Oh, the Angst (I mean mine).Do I recommend this story?  Well, if you like caricatures, heroines with very little self-esteem and a whole trick bag of personal problems, then read it. If not, you should "Just say No".