Review: You Hate Me 'Cause I Only Gave You 4 Stars!
Rating: 4 out of 5
Date: 04 3, 2013
I generally include a disclaimer with my reviews to indicate I'm not a shill, don't know the author, and blah to the blah. Well, I'm not a shill and I've never met the author face to face. Yeah, that's a hedged statement. I've been "speaking" with the author through social media for about a year now and become somewhat accustomed to his "unique" perspective on life and the wonderful ways it has of kneeing you down low at times. However, he has far too much integrity to ask for anything other than an honest impression of his work and I have just enough pride to refuse to pander, so here's the straight dope on his latest.I'm the father of 6 (six, SIX!) grown children. Now before you grab the collective pitchforks and torches to give me what-for because I brought so many lives into this mess of a world, let me explain that all but one were adopted at various ages. I'll pause for just a moment to bask in the collective, "aww, isn't that sweet" that I feel from each of you. Thanks, but it didn't involve sweetness. I just don't have the capacity to delineate between "my" kids, "step" kids, and "orphaned" kids. All I see is a kid and God help any man who feels the need to slap such labels on children to create a bit of extra order in life. Having said that, for the purposes of this review I will state that I am the biological sire of 1 out of my 6 and had first-hand experience regarding each of the things Mr. Mader mentions in his book. First of all, it's high time some man was honest about the experience instead of gilding the lily with wondrous metaphorical images of fields of flowers and cherubic halos glowing above the shimmering mother and newborn child. I was not only present for the birth of my daughter, I delivered her and was the first thing my child laid eyes on in this world right before she took a huge dump on her beloved mother's most private parts. I cut the cord while actively wondering how long it would take the woman's size 9 footprint-shaped bruise to heal in the midst of my sternum. Yeah, my ex could kick like a mule. Before the endorphine flood could do the job of chemically altering our memories I stood there as my precious better half suddenly grunted and said, "Oh *&(*^$! here comes another one!" The midwife informed her that it was just the placenta coming out. My angelic bride looked down at the remnants of the umbelicus and said, "Honey, I'm tired. It's got a string on it, just pull the ^%$$#^ing thing out for me." (I swear, that's a true story)Moments after that the memory-altering effects of our brain chemicals kicked in and the 7 hours of grunting, profanity, professions of enduring hatred, and threats of slow death if I ever came within 5 yards of her again all went away and were replaced with familial love and the aforementioned halo metaphors. This happens because God, in his wisdom, knows that without the natural effects of dopamine and assorted other brain enzymes the human race would become extinct in a very short period of time because nobody with full memories of the event would ever put themselves through it a second time.Mr. Mader does a magnificent job of explaining 90% of the male side of the experiences leading up to the mini-sequel I just attempted to write. Odds are that you will find his anecdotes much wittier than mine. I am however deducting one star from his otherwise perfect score for two reasons. First, reread the previous sentence. My professional jealousy is worth a half-star at least. Actually, he knows me better than that. I do know him to be every bit as helpful to other indie authors as he is committed to his own growth and excellence. In fact, if he ever does decide to write a sequel discussing the first year(s) of fatherhood I'd be honored to collaborate with him. No, the one star deduction is for one sole reason. It's that missing 10% of experiences that he doesn't cover. It makes the book itself too short in a sense. He writes with brilliant insight into what men need to prepare the male ego/psyche to assist their wife or significant other through the pregnancy process - pitifully small though that assistance must be. Let's face it guys, unless you've gone into the bathroom and passed a medicine ball you have no idea just how much greater the ordeal is for the "weaker" sex. But there is the special hell known as "birthing classes" that is overly ripe for the satirical picking, to cite just one virtually untouched example. There is at least one entire chapter that needs to be added to explain the overwhelming feeling of, "oh God, what do we do now" that strikes you both a moment after the water breaks. No amount of preparation will save you from that chilling experience. It's the reason why the word, "gulp" exists.I offer one final caveat to potential readers. If you are the prurient sort that is apalled by profanity in any form, be aware that not only will you utter the same words should you ever find yourself in a delivery room, be aware that Mr. Mader wields them with all the wicked efficiency of a scalpel in the hands of a mad scientist. He tells it like it is. Each and every man needs to read this book. Why? Because it will give you a better picture of just how strong your other half truly is. Because it's one of the funnier books you will ever read. Because it is essential to understanding the male experiences during pregnancy. Because it will make HER suffering just a little bit better. Finally, buy this book because it will scare you, terrify you, keep you awake as you watch the small creature that will reward your life and steal your youth grow within her womb, and make you realize that the reality is 90% more frightening and wonderful than even the skilled writing of JD Mader can express. Good luck, and in this case, even better reading.(Oh yeah, JD? Thanks for letting me pay full price. I'll return the favor one day, but I'm more than happy to provide at least one or two of the Pampers your blessed arrival will foul in her first year amongst the rest of the human race.)