My Redneck* Jacuzzi
(*I'm actually the farthest from a redneck you'll ever meet. I live in Minneapolis and I wear clothing from Talbots. I drive a Toyota Camry.There's a support group for people like me.)<br /><br />God made two things that secured my happiness in this world: Marshmallows and bubbles. This is a review about the latter and a device that promises to be a "spa-like" experience. (Marshmallows in a bathtub might be delicious, but it's weird. And gross.)<br /><br />Like me, you stumbled across this device and thought: "Now, I no longer have to make my own bath bubbles." (Don't ask.) It looks magical, and comfortable. The product description boasts, "Soothing bath bubbles. Variable speeds. Heat maintenance." Upon the unboxing, I saw a very long cord, a machine that makes bubbles and a bathmat that looked like it was something Lady Gaga wore on tour. You place the long cord into the wall outlet, and you connect the hose-thing to the Lady Gaga thing. Then you turn it on and it makes BUBBLES. Truthfully, it does make bubbles. But it doesn't stick to the bottom of any textured bathtub. This is where s*** got real.<br /><br />I'm not one to give up easily, so I sat on the bubble mat, which was not nearly as graceful as you might think. Because the suction cups are made of non-suction-y stuff, (purely the scientific term,) they will not work with bathtubs that are not 100% smooth. This means you have to actually clean your tub with each use, and it has to not be a "bath-fitter" tub, or any tub with texture.<br /><br /> Instead of a peaceful bathing experience, the mat will find you with its evil bubble tentacles and hunt you down in a way that can only be described as, "Bathtub assault." The mat came up as my delicate body tried to hold it down, and unfortunately the Lady Gaga-like structure won. It mocked me with the, "gel-filled padding," and it's, "tri-bubble speeds." It made bubbles clearly, but I had to sit through arduous torture to have the bubbles. It was like college.<br /><br />Keep in mind the warranty is a Homedics warranty. One year? If I had a single Homedics device that worked after the 2nd week of use, it'd be a miracle. Homedics is like that time you were short on cash so you ordered the crappy Tequila instead of the top shelf tequila. You paid with your evening and the puking. (You promised yourself, "Oh! Never again!" But alas, they get you with their photos of women in a zen-like state on the box, or being pure and not being able to afford a REAL jacuzzi tub. Whatever.) Additionally, Homedics keeps Bed Bath & Beyond in business, which is unfortunately where I picked up this gem. The horror continues.<br /><br />Skip it. Don't try it thinking it'll be different for you. (Oh, but your bathtub has a shiny surface and it's so shiny that you could brush your hair whilst gazing into its white, porcelain beauty? The suction cups will fail you, bathtub-gazer.) You can still win if you hit your back button and buy yourself some marshmallows instead. Those never fail me.
Rating: 1 stars