I write to recommend these gift cards as a handsome addition to anyone’s ...
I write to recommend these gift cards as a handsome addition to anyone’s pockets. I have purchased them for family members, for friends, for inamorata, and for myself, so that when I’m strolling through the mall, or out busily driving to and fro in my car, I’ll stop and think: THE OLIVE GARDEN. I would no doubt think of it anyway, because once you have experienced their food, there’s no going back to anything lesser (CHILIS). Their alfredo sauce will almost make your mouth stagger off your face in delight.<br /><br />The last time I was there, I asked SCOTT the waiter for more breadsticks, and he promptly brought them. I asked him if he thought ZITI was a strange name for a food, and he said he’d never thought about it before. It sounds like a noise an animal makes, I said. Just because it sounds funny, SCOTT explained, doesn’t mean it doesn't taste good. SCOTT, I said, that is very true. Then we both leaned back and enjoyed a laugh. Someone should give SCOTT a promotion.<br /><br />I would offer one complaint about this fine restaurant, which is that they are fairly inflexible about letting you customize your dining experience. I know a local singer-songwriter, IVAN MALESKY, M.D, and a few months ago, I tried to hire him to serenade my table at the local OG. He is perhaps best known for the song “My Neighbor's Shoes,” a marvelous, uplifting song about fellowship and brotherhood. It was followed by the sequels “Neighbor's Pants,” “Neighbor’s Robe,” and “Neighbor's Wife,” a series that becomes increasingly vehement and artistically challenging. But I assured the OLIVE GARDEN he would express only mainstream emotions during his time in their fine establishment.<br /><br />No response.<br /><br />I wrote again to assure them that the man is extremely low-maintenance. He brings his own stepladder and has a surprisingly easygoing demeanor. He would touch their patrons in a metaphorical way ONLY, with a profound basso mysterioso that shivers the heart strings to the timeless frequencies of human longing. His actual hands he would keep to himself. I imagined he would run through his repertoire of popular standards and then do some hingeless jazz soloing when the food arrived. He would of course ask for tips, I cautioned, or have his assistant BON waddle around with a hat. But this gives the performance a classic, outdoor feel, and allows IVAN to finance his disparate endeavors.<br /><br />No response.<br /><br />I admit at this point getting a little bit gravely disappointed in the OLIVE GARDEN. It seemed inexplicable to me that my favorite restaurant would refuse to EVEN ANSWER a loyal patron after so many unbroken of friendship and what they call HOSPITALIANO. I thought back over all those meals I’ve had, and all those times I plunked five or six new gift card on the table at once, as if to say “let’s make something happen.” So in a fit of what might be called FRUSTRANGINI, I did something that, I must confess, I am not proud of. It is hard for me to admit, but in the interests of full disclosure, I will say it.<br /><br />I went to BENNIGANS.<br /><br />Perhaps six times. It was not the same. It’s not that the food is bad at BENNIGANS – one time I had the lemonish salad with chicken fragments over spicey spice. But it just lacks that special something. You just don’t feel like you’re being swept away to a faraway place, as you do in the OLIVE GARDEN. I think that’s why I enjoy the GIFT CARDS so much, for they add to the fantasy of being outside the usual parameters of time and space. Also I did not have the same kind of jokey rapport with the waitstaff at BENNIGANS. This is not a knock on BRITTNEY, KAYLA, JOSH, RICKI or LINBEE who were all very prompt and competent (except JOSH), but they did not have the expertise that you find with a SCOTT. Also my water had something floating in it. I don’t think it was a flea, but I also don’t think it was something a patron wants to have to try to block with his lips while he tries to enjoy his water.<br /><br />This experience made me realize that the OLIVE GARDEN is more than just food served on plates by waiters for money: there’s an idea there. It’s an idea about returning to a simpler time and a simpler place that echoes deep within the bowels of the human heart. You can see why they are the world’s most successful horizontally distributed multinational restaurant conglomeration.<br /><br />OG finally did respond to my questions, with a firm but polite NO. It didn’t matter, because the special event had come and gone, and MALESKY had stopped doing restaurant work to focus his energy on studio recording and his various ongoing lawsuits.<br /><br />Despite this disappointment, I did return. Indeed, I have decided to put aside our differences, and continue to enjoy an exhilarating, food-based relationship with the OG. There’s just something about the place that makes it impossible to stay away for long. Also, I had four gift cards left. But in this way, reader, we come full circle to the true value of the gift card. Sometimes, it forces you to eat at OLIVE GARDEN when you really don’t want to. But you’ll always be glad you did.
Rating: 4 stars