Question: Can you describe situations where you felt a strong need to prevent someone from leaving you, either physically or emotionally? Have you felt this need often?
Answer: Emotionally yes. As much as I still wanted them to be a part of my life, I possibly couldn’t word it out, ask them to not leave me. That sounds so pathetic right? I feel like every person that I have truly wanted to be a part of my life has somehow managed to make me want to never get attached again, yet I keep doing this. And the cycle continues. 

May 2024. A guy who made me feel like I was capable of being loved and loving someone else after two years of not feeling anything at all, texted me on a random Wednesday that he would never fall in love with me and if I wanted things to be casual. After spending nights after nights talking to each other on call, going out thrice a week for months, he tells me he doesn’t wanna do anything with me. 

I felt like throwing up. Could physically feel my heart feeling heavy. Because how do u even end up in a situation like this. Right? 

Every ounce of my being wanted to tell him “don’t end things with me like this. Let’s meet one last time and then we decide” but I didn’t. When you know someone has already made up their mind about you, I think it’s 10 times worse, when you already know. I said “I understand” and never spoke to him again. Ever. The next 4 months after that, every single day, I would wake up and open our text, writing something and then clearing it. 

Just because I felt the need to not let go of him doesn’t mean I acted on my emotions. So yes. That’s my answer.

Question: Do you feel that your interpersonal relationships with those you are close to are unstable? Have you experienced patterns where you alternate between seeing someone as wonderful and then seeing them as terrible?
Answer: My relationship with my friends is sth I would never trade. It’s as if they GET me. Like the true me. But I have been distant from all of them. My friends, my family. Everyone. I think thats’s just because I’m crazy busy. But other than that it’s all good. And I don’t think the latter is always the case. I tend to be observant so I don’t jump to conclusions like someone being amazing on the first day. In fact, I try my best to hold onto their good traits till the end.

Question: Can you talk about how you see yourself? Does your perception of yourself (how you view yourself) change frequently?
Answer: Growing up, I have always heard I am a really selfish person. An ungrateful daughter. Someone who complains about literally everything. Someone who ruins everything around her. So of course, that’s how I have seen myself almost all through my life. It sounds bad to some extent but I have accepted it so it doesn’t really bother me anymore.

Question: Can you describe any impulsive and potentially self-damaging behaviors you engage in, such as spending money irresponsibly, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, or binge eating?
Answer: Spending money irresponsibly of course. I make way too many impulsive decisions. I think that’s just one of my personality traits.

Question: Can you describe any incidents where you engaged in self-harm or made repeated suicide attempts?
Answer: April 2021. Felt like my life came to a standstill. It was all the same. Wanted a change. But didn’t end up doing anything destructive so points for that i guess?

Question: Does your mood change frequently throughout the day? Are there times when you feel intensely happy, sad, anxious or irritated for no apparent reason?
Answer: Always tired. Always fatigued. Deprived of sleep. Stressed. Also on Thursdays when I plan on going out. These days are the worst. Thursday because I finally get to go home but honestly home isn’t what I want to be a part of anymore. I’m more comfortable at my dormitory. And yes. For example now. I just had a breakdown thinking about how my entire February is gonna feel like. And how the only guy I have wanted in months is so insecure of my degree that he would put me down at every cost. How his degree is more superior than my one. I hate feeling this way.

Question: Have you experienced chronic or constant feelings of emptiness?
Answer: February 2022- September 2022. Went through my first break up. Switched colleges. Was going through a hard time adjusting with the new environment. I started doing extra curricular activities. Did debates, MUNs, clubs, social work to keep my mind off. It helped a lot.

Question: Can you share any experiences where you felt extremely angry or found it hard to control your temper? Have you experienced frequent displays of temper, constant anger, verbal outbursts, or recurrent physical fights?
Answer: Since you want me to elaborate so bad and I only have two words to answer this: Yes. Men. I don’t respond. I remove myself from that position. I snap first. It may be the way I say “that’s fine thanks” or “if that’s what you want” and then go absolutely quiet. Helps.

Question: Can you describe experiences where you felt intensely suspicious of others (for example, believing people wanted to harm you) or disconnected from reality, especially during stressful times?
Answer: Not really no. Sure I felt disconnected but that was just because I was really busy with my exams and my life.