SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Wife: There is something wrong with you. Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson.
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You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected.
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
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A nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn't really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
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What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.
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I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, Walk normal next time, you fruitcake.
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I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.
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Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
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Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
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You can't live, without, your liver
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How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it.
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English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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Doc says to the patient, You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape.
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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? I'm sweet on you!
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I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.
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She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
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Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.
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You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
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I heard Jesus was a gangster he had a few wise guys looking out for him that's for sure.
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Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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My math teacher called me average. How mean!
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A wise man once said Nothing, he only listened.
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Never trust a dog to watch your food.
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People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.
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What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
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I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.
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I like using misdirection in my jokes, or do I?
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I can't jump over a cow, but you should check out my calves.
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You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
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I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon.
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Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
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I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly.
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It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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Till now my life was a mystery now I am going to make it a history.
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If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
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I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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What kind of tan did pilgrims get to the beach? Puritan.
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I dont care or think about the people in my past there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!
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Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?
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My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I've never even seen a werewolf.
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What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? Shall we prey!
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Her: Do you like cats? Me flipping menu: What page are you on?
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I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.
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All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.
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My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.
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I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!
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You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, No, wait! I can change.
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The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
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I once dated a woman who uses a nightlight. What a turn off.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder Instruction Manuals.
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How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
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It's not love until you don't want them to have a good time without you.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
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A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!
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What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein!
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Where do fish work? The offish.
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Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep.
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Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well Enough about ME! How about you?
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He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said What is wrong with it? It's swollen.
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How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper.
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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
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Throws salad into a garden: Go home boy you're free now.
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Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose to pay for self destruction
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Scientists are concerned the legalization of marijuana in Canada may result in an entire nation of overly friendly and polite people.
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Why won't women make good Carpenters? Because men have been saying this much is a foot for years.
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If Russians pronounce B's as V's then Soviet.
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What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni change.
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Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.
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Shocked by the Sears news today, I had no idea it was still open.
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If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right.
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Say what you want about deaf people
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I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
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Why don't you trust me?, she texted both the guys simultaneously.
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When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
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What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!
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In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
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One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
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Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
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Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
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Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go!
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Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he's a guy but he could have been Fe Male.
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I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.
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What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
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Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
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My wife has left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
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With a calendar, your days are numbered.
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What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it.
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What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
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I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
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Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
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What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
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Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
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I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved.
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Where do zombies like to go swimming? The Dead Sea.
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wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me climbing out of fort YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
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What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarterback.
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What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
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The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly.
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Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
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Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
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People think New Years is a life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
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What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.
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Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!
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I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
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Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.
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My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
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What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? Nobody's perfect!
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What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
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I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
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Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!
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A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
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Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.
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An invention of the hug: You look sad. Let me choke your whole body
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Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
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Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something.
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I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.
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When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.
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I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
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I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
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I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
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With great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message.
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What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
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Whoever coined the phrase Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one.
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Ladies, some advice, if he doesn't appreciate fruit puns You need to let that mango.
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What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
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Sorry I'm late but I wanted to make sure I missed most of it.
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !
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I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
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He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
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Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!
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What part of your family can you see through? A transparent.
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I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!
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My dad used to tell me always leave them wanting more, which is probably why he lost his job in disaster relief.
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I have a lot in common with my Velcro wallet. We're both simple and great at holding everything in.
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A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
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What do you call a owl that does magic tricks? Hoodini.
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Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
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Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.
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if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?
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Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!
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S.I.N.G.L.E sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
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A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.
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What is the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is.
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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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My ideal date: We order food, I eat mine and yours. you are impressed and order me more.
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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I went to buy a new mattress the other day. I wasn't sure about it, so the salesman told me to go away and sleep on it.
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Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
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Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
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Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese!
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My friend's in prison for flashing: he says he can't bare it anymore.
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I got fired from Yankee candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
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Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!
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I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
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You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
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Just seen a sign that made me shit myself.. it said toilet closed.
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It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody
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I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
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Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down.
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I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
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A storm blew away only 25 % of my roof last night. Oof
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it so I said Implants?
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It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
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The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.
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The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
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Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
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If you are having a blind date on a glacier. Don't break the ice.
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
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What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra.
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A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.
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Yo mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team.
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Pork and Leek great flavor for sausages lousy brand name for condoms.
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
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Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
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Duck tape fixes everything Except relationships because she won't let you put it over her mouth.
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Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
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You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year
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Q: What is a plumber's favorite food? A: A leek!
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forgets to bring phone into the bathroom I'm off the grid
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My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
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What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
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How Do they say F k You in Hollywood? Trust Me
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Why do we call # a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
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I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
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People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like Ugh, standing.
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What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.
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If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.
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I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
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Autocorrect is Freudian slip of smartphone age.
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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.
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What are you eating and how can I help? -Dogs
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Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
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I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.
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2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
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A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!
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Don't anybody move! I lost my brain somewhere here.
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The person next to me on this train hasn't stopped talking loudly the whole journey! I'm starting to regret marrying her.
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The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
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Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.
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I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
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It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
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Your so dense, light must bend around you.
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I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.
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Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
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I should have known that my marriage was bound to be doomed when my wife choose to have her vows be read from the Necronomicom.
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Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
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What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
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Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
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It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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Escalators don't break down they just turn into stairs.
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I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
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Few women admit their age: few men act it.
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Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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When a woman says what? It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.
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People who write u instead of you. What do you do with all the time you save?
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Pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon.
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Who was the first to see a cow and think I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?
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Like arguing with a forest fire.
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Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
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What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!
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Me: How much for the baby dragon? Pet store clerk: Sir, that's a lizard. Me: not listening When do they start breathing fire?
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If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive.
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You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says one at a time please.
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If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
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I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said bitch please But whatever.
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It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.
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The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
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See that shadow on the wall? It's brighter than your future.
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Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Sirl: Yes, February 14th.
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How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
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There's a reason it's called girls gone wild and not women gone wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
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I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up.
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Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.
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After Yoko Ono told John Lennon she loves him 8 days a week, Lennon wrote the song Help!.
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My wife asked me What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight? I said slim to nun.
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Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
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Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
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Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?
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New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
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A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke.
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A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…
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When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow up.
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I wish I had a man around the house to hand me my tools while I'm fixing things.
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I'm at a McDonalds and their phone just rang. I have to assume whoever is making that call is a completely unstable human being.
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Why was the broom late? It over swept!
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Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
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The bartender says we don't serve time travelers in here. A time traveler walks into a bar.
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.
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Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
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I'm on the highway to hell, but ran over the pothole to hell and need the roadside assistance to hell.
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Money is the root of all wealth.
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Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.