SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
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I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
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If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
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You have two parts of brain,left andright'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
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I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.
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The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
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Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.
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You're proof that god has a sense of humor.
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
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Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
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Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly.
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So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter.
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If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty.
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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.
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Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
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I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing except when you're at a funeral.
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I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.
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Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
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My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, Heads up, she's expecting a baby. Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
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If bullshit could float you'd be the Admiral of the fleet!
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I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
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How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
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What's the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I'm pretending to be a hot girl on tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him Im coming over so he'll clean the apartment.
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Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
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Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.
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Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
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I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
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Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
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If number 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
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My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.
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I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.
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We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.
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I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
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Adams girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless.
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My wife left me because I'm insecure. No wait she's back. She just went to get coffee.
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My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
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After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs.Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other
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Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
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You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you.
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You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.
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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
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I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
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I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
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I changed my password to incorrect, so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
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Password looks at itself in the mirror: Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.
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By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
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Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
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Teacher: Are you sleeping in my class? Student: Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could.
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I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
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Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
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You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.
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My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
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Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
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Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
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Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, Is Pepsi okay?
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I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
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What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
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To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
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You look like a before picture.
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If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
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My grandma always said Slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.
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Last week my Doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
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My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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It is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing.
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What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
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When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
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3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
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Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
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Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
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Books are just TV for smart people.
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
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There's noI in team, but there is aU in suck.
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Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
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Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Saying super size it at the drive-thru doesn't work when it's a pharmacy.
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Best math book never written: High School Math by Cal Q. Luss
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Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
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I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
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I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
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Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
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What would you get if you crossed a athlete and the Invisible Man?… Sports like no one has ever seen.
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Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
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The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
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Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.
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If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
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Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO.
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Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
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I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
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Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
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I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time
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You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother Sudden Lee.
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What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
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Teacher: Which book has helped you the most in your life? Student: My father's check book!
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You're so sad that even Bob the Builder can't fix your life.
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I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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You're fat. It's not because it runs in the family, you're fat because nobody runs in your family.
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their Daddy will become a Mummy.
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I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. It's all about balance.
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What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.
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I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
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You're so fat, you could sell shade.
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Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
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I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came Then it hit me!
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If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear it is he still wrong?
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I used to be in a band, we were calledlost dog'. You probably saw our posters.
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First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation. Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport? First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!
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A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
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The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.
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I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
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Boss: You're fired. Me slam fist on the couch: You woke me up for this?
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My wife says I only have two faults I don't listen, and something else!
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Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?
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Comedy is tragedy plus time.
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Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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Anyone who says good morning on a Monday is a sociopath.
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
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The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
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Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
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Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
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My girlfriend asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick! She still hasn't talked to me!
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A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
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If you are here - who is running hell?
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Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
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Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real.
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
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What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.
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Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.
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You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
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True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.
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You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.
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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
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Finland has just closed it borders so now nobody can cross the Finnish line.
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How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
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I like to hold hands at the movies which always seems to startle strangers.
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You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
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I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry
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I got a part in a movie called Cocaine. I only have one line.
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My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
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Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
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I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
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I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
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Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again!
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My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
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Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
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In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
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Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
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There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
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Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
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Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
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I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
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Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.
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Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade? A: The letter m.
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I work to buy a car to go to work.
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If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality is the key to success.
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As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought Dogs are easily amused, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
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If I ever use Whatever as a complete sentence, you better run.
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Scientist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context. Media: Scientist claims Findings are meaningless.
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Doctor, I'm addicted toThe Family Feud game show. What's wrong with me? Doctor: Well, the survey says
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married.
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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.
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The recipe said Set the oven to 180 degrees so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
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How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
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The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
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My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
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I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!
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If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
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Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
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Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
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Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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I never forget my son's first words Where the heck have you been for 16 years?
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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Social life? You mean my phone?
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You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.
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To the guy who invented the number zero: Thanks for nothing.
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For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
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Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
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Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
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I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was You're pretty annoying. but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.
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I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.
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Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.
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What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
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My dad used to say Always fight fire with fire. Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
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Some people say If you can't beat them, join them. I say If you can't beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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Why are they called hemorrhoids? They should be called asteroids.
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
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My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.
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I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
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Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide? They never get returned.
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There is no key to a woman's heart. There's only a password that changes regularly.
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Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to Hack me if you can and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to Challenge accepted somebody help.
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I thought I understood the meaning of When Pigs Fly but then the swine flu.
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Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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He doesn't know the meaning of fear but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
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I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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The best time to open a gift is the present.
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I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.
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Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
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You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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Why can't fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish!
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Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.
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Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!
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Self Control - the only way to survive in a world full of idiots.
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My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
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May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?
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If time is money are ATM's time machines?
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Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
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I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.
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I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!
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Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.