SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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For years, I struggled with dyslexia. Mostly because I was spelling it wrong.
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I got into an argument with a mime once, then I had to silence him.
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My wife goes out 3 evenings a week with her driving instructor.I wouldn't mind but she passed her driving test in 2018.
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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
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The only difference between a pedophile and a zit is a zit waits for a child to reach puberty before it comes across its face!
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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.
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What do Jesus and the square root of negative one have in common? They're both imaginary.
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I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out people don't like it when you go the extra mile for them.
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A short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
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I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.
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I like my women the same as I like my whiskey. 20 years old and mixed up with coke!
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Who was the builder of King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference.
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Hitler's orange Jews. 100% concentrated.
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If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
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The wind was so strong last night I really struggled to light my cigarette. Eventually, after 20 minutes of trying, I gave in and stopped my motorbike on the hard shoulder.
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I figure I might need a new kidney in 30 years, so I've decided to have a kid.
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Atheist problems: being considered strange because you don't believe in a magic man in the sky!
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A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
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Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
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I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
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Here, you can always find a party. Where I come from, the Party can always find you.
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God makes everyone in his own image, no? Yeah, he was drunk.
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Someday is not a day of the week.
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How do you Circumcise a Cracker? Kick his 3-year old daughter in the jaw.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer.
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
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There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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Friend: I don't want to bore you with my problems. Me: Awesome, thank you.
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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
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My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said: This isn't working. Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
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A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
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Doc says, Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live. Joe says, Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it! Doc says, OK, I give you a year
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Roses are red, Violets are blue. I've got five fingers, The middle one is for you.
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Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
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Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
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My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him oh yeah we'll see about that!
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The road to success is always under construction.
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My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
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Don't steal. That's the government's job.
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I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
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My love is like communism: everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.
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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
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Yesterday I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
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That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
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Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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I'm changing my name toBenefits on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say you are now friends with Benefits.
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I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.
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I told my girlfriend to text me when she got home she must be homeless.
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I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
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Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
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I sometimes watch birds and wonder If I could fly who would I shit on?
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Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
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Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car.
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
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Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
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My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, All kids smell that way.
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How come you're a peach is a complement but you're bananas is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
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How did Jesus crucifixion save us? It'scause he nailed it!
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A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the b is silent.
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Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents.
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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline: she hit the roof.
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And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
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My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
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The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
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Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
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It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.
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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
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A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
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Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
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I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
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If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
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What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
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You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
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What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
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It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
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My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, yeah, Deez-el fit her.
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Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah it took him forever to get out.
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Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
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My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
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One way or another, I'm really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics
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I sleep in castle every two weeks. It's my fort night.
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So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
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Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.
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I bet you I could stop gambling.
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
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I've decided to sell my Hoover well, it was just collecting dust.
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It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
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I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.
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Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
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Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
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Roses are red Violets are blue Love never crossed my mind Until I came across you.
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You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
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Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
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If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
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I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
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Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.
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You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.
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Paying the internet $9.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
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If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
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My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
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I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.
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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
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I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
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Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
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Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
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My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
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My wife asked me earlier: Are you even listening to me?. Which is a really weird way to start a conversation
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My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
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Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
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Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
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Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
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Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see.
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Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
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You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
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The best things in life are free plus shipping and handling
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Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
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I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin it.
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Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror
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Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
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If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
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Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself a piece of cake.
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My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
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You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
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If you had friends like mine, you'd be the luckiest guy in the world!
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Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island Can he fix it? Corsican!
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Hey, you have something on your chin no, the 3rd one down.
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Me: sneaks out of the house drives to another state hides in a cave quietly opens a bag of chips My kids: Can we have some?
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A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, I've not seen you for a while. The man replies, Yes, I've been ill.
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Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
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Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
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Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
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I ran a half marathon sounds so much better than I quit halfway through a marathon.
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 Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
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My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
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Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have. It's kids. I have kids.
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Law professor: You're currently failing your ethics class. Me: slides a $20 across the desk How about now.
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If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
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Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
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Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun.
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Just found out I've failed my German exam. Sacre bleu!
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Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
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You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!
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When you realize that waiting for the waiter makes you the waiter.
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I visited a postcard factory yesterday. It was good, but nothing to write home about
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Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside break their bones because they have 206 of them.
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When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, A very good doctor.
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Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
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What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
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Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
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I need hug(e amount of money).
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A stock market crash is worse than a divorce, you lose half your money and your wife is still around.
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Smoking will kill you Bacon will kill you But, smoking bacon will cure it.
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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
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That one lineri'm not drinking too much tonight never goes as planned
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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Not all this how did you get in my house?! business.
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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
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What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.
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The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
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My teenage angst has lasted 30 years.
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As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
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When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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My five-year-old: I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT! No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
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When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's art & music. But when I do it, I'm drunk and have to leave the hardware store.
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I put the fun in dysfunctional.
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Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
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Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
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We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
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Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again!
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Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
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Fishermen are reel men.
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I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
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Death is not the worst which can happen to men: Plato (After getting friend zoned)
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I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
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How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
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I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
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My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
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What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
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Currently the flower business is blooming.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
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If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
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I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
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I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
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A guy goes to a club: the bouncer stops him. No tie, no entry. He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says How's this? The bouncer says I'll let you in, but don't start anything.
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Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
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You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.
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My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
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You're sweeter than 3.14
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CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
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I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said If you can read this the b tch fell off.
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You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
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Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
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We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering do I keep the letters?
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Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
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We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
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Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
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Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?
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I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
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I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.
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I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.
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I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
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I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman!
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Hey Christmas Tree, you got a lot of balls coming in here dressed like that.
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I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
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I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
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You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
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All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
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Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist it means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
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People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
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The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs one step at a time.
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Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
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Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.
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How do trees access the internet? They log in.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.
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I love how in horror movies the person will ask, Is anyone there? As if the killer would say Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?
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Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
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Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it.
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Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky!
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What does a liar do after he dies? He lies still.
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I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
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I would love to insult you but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
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Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
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I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
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You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
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My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
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STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
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You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer oh wait, he does.
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Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
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Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.
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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
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I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.
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Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.