SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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You came, you ate, now please just go HO HO Home.
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I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.
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I dropped my phone in the toilet and now you're all baptized.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
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Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
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What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
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I'll bet your parents hit the JERKpot!
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Why do Republicans spend so much money on bathroom fixtures? They really love the Grand Old Potty!
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Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform.
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I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
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Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
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Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
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What did the doctor say to the alcoholic? Keep taking the Pils.
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Why can't ghost have babies? Because they have Halloweenies.
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Everyone can be dick but you are an art form of a dick.
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Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!
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Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.
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Just stayed a night in the YMCA I don't want to make a song and dance of it.
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Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table.
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My it's cold outside post just went viral on Facebook.
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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing.
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I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked Anyone have any papers? and they all ran like fuck.
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Dance like your microwave isn't watching.
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I like the sound of you not talking.
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Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!
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My sister is so fat then when we go out to the local buffet they see her coming and pot out the speed-bumps.
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What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills!
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
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What's your amplitude for charm-strange mixing?
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Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
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What do you call a bird at a party? A party fowl.
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What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
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Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock.
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You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
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Farting is like the frozen song. In the public: Conceal, don't feel Don't let them know. At home: Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore.
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Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.
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A man goes into the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses up his rectum. The doctors described his condition as stable.
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Are you a termite? Cause you're about to have a mouth full of wood.
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This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.
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Had to turn the stereo off, my wife has been playing Depeche Mode all day. She just can't get enough, whilst I just enjoy the silence.
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Wanted: Schrödinger's cat, dead or alive.
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So many boys, such little minds.
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Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you.
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Why couldn't the dinosaur clap his hands? Because they're dead.
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I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
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My least favorite color is orange. I hate it more than yellow and red combined.
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If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
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I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
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Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
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Stretchy shrink-wrap can be loads of fun. You can get it at most office supply stores. Completely wrap a friend's car, bike, or motorcycle. Extra credit: leave a large pink bow on top.
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The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft.
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Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!
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What else can we think about? - Insomnia
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If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.
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I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.
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Without going to jail, you cannot be a big politician.
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The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one.
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You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
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Science builds planes and skyscrapers, but faith brings them together.
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How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
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I went to a party and met apple there. I asked him to buy me a vodka, but Damn! He gave me a fruit punch.
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Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
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My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.
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I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
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Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
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What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors.
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I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent.
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My hot girlfriend broke up with me the other day But she said, Chester, we can still be cousins.
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I asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no.
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Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. Happy Easter!
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I just want to be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will.
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I'm just a burned out bulb on the billboard of life.
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Got my girlfriend a get better soon card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better.
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Just asked my wife what she's burning up for dinner and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
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I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
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Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
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I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
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Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
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A termite walks into a bar and says, Where is the bar tender?
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Son: Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
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What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
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You better hope you marry rich.
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When Michael Jackson died, all of his songs were played during his funeral and for his commemoration. So what if Mia Khalifa died?
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God sees everything. Neighbors – even more Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are
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Females, repeat after me: I was wrong and I'm sorry.
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What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look.
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What's it like to have a penis? It's hard sometimes.
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My wife asked me if we could have something moreChristmassy on the television. So I put FIFA on and played in snowy conditions.
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Sex to a man is like hunger. If he can't get into an expensive French restaurant, he will go to McDonalds.
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Celebrate Thanksgiving the American way: spend money you don't have on Chinese products.
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Sorry, I'm late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.
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 rude What happened when an icicle landed on the snowman's head? It knocked him out cold.
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Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible. Well, tell him I can't see him right now.
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What do Brexit and Viagra have in common? They're both a cock-up.
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Your mom just got a ticket when she dropped you off for school.
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If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
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What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.
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Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
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What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute? Sidewalks crack doesn't leave an odor!
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How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator.
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What are you going to be on Halloween? You'll probably be a vegan menu.
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I'm in the mood to multiply
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EBay is useless. I searched for lighters and got 12,544 matches.
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I lost my daughter's cosmetics bag I wonder how I'll make up for this mistake.
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For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.
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I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
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Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
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79% of U.S. paper money is contaminated with traces of cocaine.
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You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
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Are you Greek (If No) are you sure cause you look like a goddess to me?
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I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
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I've got my ion you, baby!
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I'd stand in a room amongst a group of people and say hey do you guys want to see a joke? Then walk out of the room, then walk back in whilst presenting myself in a grand fashion. Et voila.
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Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.
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Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?
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You're riding the crest of a slump?
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Snowmen don't need scarves, idiots.
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Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
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If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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Girl: Every thing that comes out of you mouth is stupid! Me: You.
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If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes you let that mango.
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
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Jiu Jitsu - The gentle art of folding ones clothing while they are still wearing them.
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The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
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Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.
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What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!
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Q: How is life like a penis?\n A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.
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My breathalyzer results came back and I'm 100% cutting my own hair later.
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Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
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Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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What did the giraffe say to the zebra when his mom called him home? Zebra later!
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If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet your throat your feet will reject.
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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
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Why should you not make fun of a crippled person? Because he can't stand the jokes.
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I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
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I do not know why some people don't finish their sentences, like it's really annoying
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From all the butts, ours is the most important.
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You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey.
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Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
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A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
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Optimist: It's only 7 o clock. Pessimist: It's already 7 o clock. Feminist: The clock is being raped.
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I met the man who invented the windowsill. He's a ledge.
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The only dates I get these days are software updates.
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My friend stopped by to tell me he had just been diagnosed as Dyslexic. Said he was going home to write it in his dairy.
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I'm barely 5.3'. It's all your fault if you had high expectations.
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The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
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Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?
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Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I'll let you be the judge of that.
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Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
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Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
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If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
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How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.
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You might be a crack head If your dog weighs more than you do Here's your sign.
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
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A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.
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If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
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Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
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What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.
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Love is like Heaven It makes me wish I was dead.
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Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.
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Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.
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I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good.
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Why are men are like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
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Wife to husband: I'm pregnant! Husband: You're kidding me!
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Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
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Stephen Hawking has a great sense of humor. He does One-liners, but not a Stand-up comedy.
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I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
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Why do stores have Halloween decorations in August? This is ridiculous. Nobody wants to Oooo look! Candy corn.
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Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
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How many cats equal a husband?
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I've been thinking about you Owl night long.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
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What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
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My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
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An old teacher asked her student, If I say,I am beautiful, which tense is that? The student replied, It is obviously past.
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With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
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My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should of saw her face as I drove pasta.
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Be kind. Some people grew up in Pepsi households.
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Thanks to Heroin I think I'm addicted to needles.
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What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter.
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Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
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I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
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Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
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I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive.
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USA's been so good at the Olympics, it's trumped the rest!
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Q: What did the peanut butter say to the bread? A: Quit loafing around!
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Surprised they wouldn't accept my Oyster card in the local Shell station.
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Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
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Why do Eskimos build Igloos with a hole out front? So you can see Inuit.
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Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
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What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
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Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
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My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.
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Keep honking. I'm reloading.
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If my puns are cheesy, then they would go well with crackers.
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If I was smarter, I would know so much more stuff.
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A cat sauntered in and sat at the bar. Tuna, ordered the cat. Salad or sandwich? Asked The bartender. What do you think I am a human?
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A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall.
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Alcoholics and addicts are the only people who can look down on you from the gutter.
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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
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A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, Do you think we could use a sponge instead?
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Dad, how do stars die? Usually an overdose.
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How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with a man once told me.
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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I went to a seafood diner last night. I pulled a mussell.
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Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.
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There's not just a straight temperature app on my smartphone. At least not a fahinhieght one there is always a cell-sius built in .
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Why don't animals play poker in Africa? Because they're cheetahs.
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I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her
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I feel sorry for wild animals because it's like they're always camping without beer.
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When you were born your mom said: It's a treasure. Dad said: Ya let's bury.
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My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
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I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!
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What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.
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Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
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A new poll suggests that most people will likely finish reading any sentence that starts with A new poll suggests.
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I don't believe in myths like the one that states you have a brain.
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She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.
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What's a crocodile's favorite shoe? A Crocs.
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What is Al Caedas favorite football team? The New York Jets.
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Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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No checks (Czechs are welcome).
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Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!
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Does your train of thought have a caboose?
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What's the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools.
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What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
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I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man you sure do have a lot of time on your hands.
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You are one well-defined function!
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I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number.
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That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
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For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
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What's the difference between people and tin foil? Tin foil doesn't wrinkle as it oldens.
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What do bullshitters like most about St. Patricks day? The blarney stone!
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Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home.
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Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way
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Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
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What makes you think this is my first time?
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What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? A mechanic fixes his mistakes A doctor buries his.
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Coffee makes you hyper, but coffee shops are designed for people to chill, whereas alcohol is a depressant but bars and clubs are designed for people to be energetic.
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A living dummy once proclaimed, I'm the scariest thing in the universe, if I say so myself!.
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What is a dentist's office?… A filling station.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
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When I read about the dangers of smoking I sworn wouldn't buy any newspaper!
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I can feel myself slipping into screensaver mode every 10 minutes.
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I bet we can get into some serious Treble together.
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Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!
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Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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I've learnt that saying Oh, this old thing? isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.
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What costume are you wearing for Halloween? Oh yeah, I forgot u don't need one ur ugly as hell.
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Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever.
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Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.
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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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I once crashed into a cow pasture. I was in for a beef of trouble.
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Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.
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Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
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 Day People come and go but birthdays do accrue.
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They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I wonder if he could do that for Congress.
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I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
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There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
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Umbridge? More like Umbitch.
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I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower.
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Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
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PewdDePie, I used to be a fan but now I am a air conditioner.
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You're so ugly, even Hello Kitty says goodbye.
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Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
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There are too many suicide jokes, end it.
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Not to go get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is solution.
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It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.