SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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Me in public: There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
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Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.
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Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma.
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We need to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for President.
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How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb? What do you mean it was out, it was in!
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Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them.
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Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?
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Stories of untold sufferring never stay that way.
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
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Stop referring to us as weed smokers. From now on, you can call us your highness.
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They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.
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My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
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What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader.
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Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
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Sorry, my dog ate your text message.
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What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
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Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold and eaten..
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What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
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Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
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When there's a will, I want to be in it.
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My dad was a stalker. I want to follow him in his footsteps.
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Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a bakery.
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Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
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Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
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Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art It has no survival value: rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
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We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.
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We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I took a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was Michael.
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I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time.
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My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
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Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.
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Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
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The girl at the bar: You're funny. I bring her over to meet my wife: Tell her what you said.
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The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
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Do you know the difference between fitting and proper? It goes like this: I could shove my thumb up your butt right now, and it would probably fit But it wouldn't be proper.
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A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.
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My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
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Recently I heard about a vampire that was so mathematically challenged that he couldn't count Dracula!
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I could make jokes about fences, but they are offencive.
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When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
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Cannibals like to meat people.
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God, I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce.
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You must be from Pearl Harbor,cause baby, you're the bomb.
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What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you.
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No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it.
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I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it's too late to start watching anything.
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I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Edit: Wow, can't believe this blew up.
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Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !
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What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery.
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Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
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The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
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I had such a crush on my sixth-grade teacher I was home schooled.
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White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
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I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said I've been waiting all day for you Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
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Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
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Some of us learn from the mistakes of others: the rest of us have to be the others.
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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The reward for a job well done is more work.
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Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them
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Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.
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A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says aww some asshole got my pen.
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Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.
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I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, I'm peeing in here! Fucking b tch.
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People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.
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Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that your numbers not in it.
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Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
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I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull
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What is it? It is a pronoun.
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Is your name Summer? ‘Coz you're HOT!
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
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Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
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It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.
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Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
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Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
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Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
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Here's a step by step guide to walking up the stairs, step 1) Right foot, step 2) Left foot, step 3) Right foot
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When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!
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I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
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I don't like telling dairy jokescause they're always too cheesy.
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I just drank a monster energy drink and I'm still depressed but like, excitedly.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
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If you rearrange the letters in Vladimir Putin you get murdered.
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Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, man, I could do that!
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In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take aselfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery.
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The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something
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An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
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Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
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Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
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What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!
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Whoever put the S in fastfood is marketing genius.
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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
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Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
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I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
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I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.
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Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton!
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Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: Where to Stay on Vacation by Moe Tell.
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30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
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Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes.
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You so fat that when you stepped onto a scale it said. Bitch I never asked for your phone number.
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Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid and Crystal Meth? He said he could stop anytime.
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What is the diffrent between a girl and a cellphone You can put a selfone on silent.
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Why did the lady sing lullabies to her purse? She wanted a sleeping bag!
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Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time.
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What's the difference between a knife and a feminist? The knife has a point.
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A warning shot into the head.
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You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘Dick', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more?
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Can February March? No, but April May!
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I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.
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Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed today. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night.
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
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I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
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Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
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Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
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How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September?
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Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
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Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.
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Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.
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Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic
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The results of a Harvard study found that 9 out of 10 people who do not eat meat suffer from chronic constipation, proving that what happens in vegans, stays in vegans.
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When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say Oh sorry or Well that sucks.
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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
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How do they say fuck you in Los Angeles? Trust me.
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Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
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Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.
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I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, Wait, I can change.
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There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
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The only time the world beats a path to your door It is when you're in the bathroom!
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The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie.
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I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.
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If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English
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Your body is a poop gun and eating is reloading.
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The slogan for Canada Dry should be I hope you feel better.
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I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
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You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
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Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!
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I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
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April Fools Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
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What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? Stay calm, and do not lose your head.
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 puns The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out.
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My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
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Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue is 17ft 4. That's Horatio of about 3:1.
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Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?
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Well, just told the Starbucks barista my name is No War in Syria. I know it's not much, but I hope it helps.
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I haven't been ignoring you: I've been prioritizing you.
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What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.
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Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn't he?
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What kind of tea do you drink with the Queen? Royal tea.
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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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I changed my password to incorrect. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say Your password is incorrect.
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Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
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What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1
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America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
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I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself This changes everything.
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My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
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You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
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Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
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A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
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I am not catholic, don't cross me.
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It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.
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Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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My mum always used to say 40 is the new 30. Lovely woman banned from driving.
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I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
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Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.
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A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I don't know son, I'm still paying.
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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly I'm not a fan.
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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
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You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
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 Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
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I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day
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Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.
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What did the math book say to the psychologist? Would you like to hear my problems?
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What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
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I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
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In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
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What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
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What did the Zero say to the Eight? Nice belt!
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If you were on fire and I had water I would drink it.
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How do you make NY Jets cookies? Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.
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Why can't you play badminton in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.
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What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.
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My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
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When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
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Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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Such a little man, such a drama queen.
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She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
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If you're ever angry just punch an orphan. What will they do? Complain to their parents?
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How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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If you say I knew you were going to say that enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
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What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
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You're about as useful as a bucket without a bottom.
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account.
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Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
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If a woman speaks and no one is listening her name is probably Mom.
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Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
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Where do ghosts play tennis? On a tennis corpse!
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When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
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My roommate says our house is haunted. I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed shit.
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I'm rich: what am I supposed to do, hide it?
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Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
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How do you know if you're an ugly girl? If you know what the drinks cost at a bar.
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Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
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I broke a mirror the other day that's 7 years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me 5.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to climb mountain dew.
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A rolling stone somebody pushed it.
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What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
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Do people who go to the gym to feel the burn know nothing of Mexican food?
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What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
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No man has ever won a game of Notice anything different about me?
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Son: What's an inheritance? Me: Nothing you need to be concerned with.
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How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
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Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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I don't do different things It's just that I do things differently!
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The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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Buy a prepaid gift card from Starbucks or another store for $25. Then use it for yourself till it only has 25 cents left on it. Present it as a gift to your fool.
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You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall is in love with me.
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Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.
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You look like somebody stepped on a goldfish.
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If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.
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Before starting to stand up comedy I used to think I'll die of hunger. Now, I'm quite sure about it.
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I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
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A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
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When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench.
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Generally, all generalisations are false.
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Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
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You're so old that your first car was a covered wagon.
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Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.
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Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
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If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.
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19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
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There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.
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My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
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I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
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I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
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Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.
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Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.
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When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
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The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
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Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
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How is education going to make me smarter?
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Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself of how many seconds he has to hog the ball.
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If you're waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, 'cause it's gonna be a really long time.
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I like jokes but i like hu mor.
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Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.
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Stop with the blind jokes I don´t see the point.
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What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
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Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!
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I organized a threesome for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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One day we shall wake up together: me and my money.
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
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Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already.
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Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
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Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
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Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!
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Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.