SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian. is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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If you're going through Hell, keep going.
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Don't let your worries get the best of you: remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.
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I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.
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My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
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When a guy says he's fine what he really means is he's fine.
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I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
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Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
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What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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If you can't convince them, confuse them.
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Where did you buy your stupidity? Or it was given for free and you took an overdose?
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Wife: You're addicted to skin lotion! Husband: Go ahead. Rub it in my face.
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Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
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I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.
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I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband's car so he doesn't forget he's married.
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If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
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I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.
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What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
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Insects puns bug me.
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Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
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My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder.
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I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados It's only a draft at the moment.
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Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.
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Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
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What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
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My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
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I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
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Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer.
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Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
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Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
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Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
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That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is.
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Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it.
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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software it's called #Monday, please fix it
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Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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When in doubt, mumble.
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Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
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What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
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Oh I didn't tell you Then It must be none of your business
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As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free
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She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!
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Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
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When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single.
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What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
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I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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I don't have an attitude: I have a personality you can't handle.
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My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one.
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According to my kids Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers
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Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
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How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful?
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Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
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Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
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Your hairline is like Pluto, unreachable.
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I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
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I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
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There are no winners in life only survivors.
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Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.
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Men swear they know everything until you ask them who is she.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.
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Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.
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Avoid arguments about the toilet seat use the sink
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Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
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What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
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Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!
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Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
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Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven: you've already moved most of the earth.
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How is Columbia not a superpower yet? They produce cocaine and coffee.
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I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.
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Live every day like it was the last day, and one day you won't miss.
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Girl, are you a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in you but I'm not getting much interest.
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Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
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The best part of being married on Valentine's Day is having all your expectations fulfilled. Because you have no expectations.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken.
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Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
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If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
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Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn't afford plane fare.
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Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
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If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
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I don't know why people troll about China. Last year I bought a watch made in China it still shows me correct time when I bought it.
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How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
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Cashier: How would you like to pay for this. Me: Not at all.
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Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
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Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? Where on Earth have you been?!
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Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
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An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
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Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
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God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
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There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
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Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
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Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
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Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.
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They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
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If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.
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Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic: just really, really stupid.
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Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore.
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What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
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Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
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I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.
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(NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon – he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes
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Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
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Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
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You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, What an ass.
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Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser.
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What's wrong with my computer? It looks like your hard drive went soft.
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Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.
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What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear
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Like a flat tire .how I'm rolling this morning.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
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What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
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Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
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I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
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I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years.
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My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
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You're more special than relativity.
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If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season? Fall.
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Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
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My son just called guacamole avocado spread and now I feel like I've failed as a parent.
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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach become Secretary of Education.
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I have a split personality, said Tom, being frank.
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The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.
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What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
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Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.
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If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember You can always change your birthday on facebook!
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We're you made in a lab, cause damn you are one failed experiment.
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Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.
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Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs I think it was thyme well spent.
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He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!
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Wife: Honey? What do you think about my teeth? Husband: They remind me of stars yellow and far apart.
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Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
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Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
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My son was like I got a D in my maths and I was like That's really bad and my wife was like you need to stop doing his homework.
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Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
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I ran into lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained a light injuries.
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Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
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Are you ready to rock? Scissors: No.
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Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails any more? Boss: what
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I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
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Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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Approach a woman in a bar and whisper Hey, wanna get out of here? If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shoutinglettuce leaf!
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This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
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Top Causes of Divorce: 4. Finances 3. Infidelity 2. Lack of Intimacy 1. Thermostat Wars
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What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.
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Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
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If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him with my bear hands.
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When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
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If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
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There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.
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What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
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Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
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How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
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One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
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I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
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How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
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I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.
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Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?! Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
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Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
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You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
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The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
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Why did the lion broke up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah!
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My annual performance review says I lack passion & intensity, guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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If at first you don't succeed: try management.
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I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.
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The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.
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I caught my neighborhood stealing my red food dye When he was caught red handed he said I'm gonna dye.
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Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I know how to feed a nation…but will she eat it?
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water? ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
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What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
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What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
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Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rudeolph
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
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If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?
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I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace So I bought her nothing.
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 sarcastic My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
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What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
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So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invitemaybe next time isn't the correct response.
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Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
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My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.
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I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, One day, this could be you. I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
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I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it
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They used to time me with a stopwatch now they use a calendar.
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Anger: the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
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I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.
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Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
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 Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
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I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
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Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
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Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries
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The truth is out there: it just hasn't been indexed well.
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I truly hope there is a stairway to heaven because I have a fear of elevators
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If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film Fast10 Your Seatbelts I'm going to be furious.
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If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
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What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill.
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You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, Who ate my salad?
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I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
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I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.
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How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!
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When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence.
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I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
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If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
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Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
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An old woman at a wedding told me that I'm next so I said that to her at a funeral.
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Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
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I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell WELCOME TO NARNIA.
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Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?
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I always wanted to learn to procrastinate just never got around to it.
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Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.
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If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
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Sorry I didn't respond to you just now. I was doing something productive and not wasting my precious time with your lowlife speeches.
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Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan.
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Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years.
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The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.
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I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
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It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.
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If she says, I'm OK, you're fine. If she says, I'm Fine, You're not OK.
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How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked!
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One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
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Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
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All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
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I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
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My weight loss goal is simple. I just want to lie on the beach without marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me.
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Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
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I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.
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I'm gonna spend Valentines Day with my ex Box 360.
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I only drink on days beginning with T. Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.
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Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I'm no good at birthday gifts.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?
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My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
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I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
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If I throw a stick, will you leave?
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You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving.
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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.