SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea. She won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage
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There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
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I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
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I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly
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Children are the leading cause of old age.
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up.
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If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
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Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
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This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
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Apparently, saying Wow, you've grown since I last saw you isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
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My mum bought me a book on procrastination at the start of high school. I haven't opened it yet.
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The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
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See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
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You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
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Why is a traffic light red? You would be red too if you were changing in front of people all day.
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
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What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough!
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What do you call a horse who expresses negative views? A Naysayer.
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The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.
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The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is We're going for a break now, we'll be back later.
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I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
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My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
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The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.
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Has anyone heard the news about a festival in the US where a girl got her head stuck on a truck oversized tailpipe? Apparently she was exhausted
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I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.
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In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.
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I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.
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I changed my password everywhere to incorrect. That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, Your password is incorrect.
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How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
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I wanted to be a hair stylist for bald people.
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Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
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A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. A woman already knows.
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I became a vegetarian – switched to weed.
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What do you call the saddest waterway in Russia? Crimea River.
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What do you call the trousers of people who can't speak? Pant-O-Mimes!
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The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
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What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!
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5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano.
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Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together.
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals
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I can't get enough minimalism.
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Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? His pants fit him like a glove.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
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If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
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I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.
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I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
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When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
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When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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Hallmark Card: I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
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Why did the coach go back to the bank? To get his quarterback!
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
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There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A if you know what I mean.
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What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
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IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
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This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.
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How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.
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I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot.
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I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
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Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
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It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
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I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse.
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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
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How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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I got myself into this, and I'll get myself even deeper into this.
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Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
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Autocorrect just changed I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe to I'm fine.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed looked.
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Why did the girl wear glasses in math class? It improves di-vision.
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I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
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Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
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I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
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Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
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The janitor said he took out the trash last night, he must forgot a piece, what are you still doing here?
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.
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Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
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I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
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You have a room temperature IQ - if the room is in Antarctica.
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The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
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Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
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What book do you like the most? Woman: My husband's checkbook.
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Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
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How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
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Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.
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I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
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Marriage isn't for everybody - men for instance!
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There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.
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Did you hear they banned fans from doing The Wave at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
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Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
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Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said concentrate!
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Trump should not have said shit-hole countries. The correct term is turd-world countries.
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I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
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Your momma is so mean she has no standard deviation.
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Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
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After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off.
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Every function without you will always be void of love.
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Instead of comparing yourself to your peers, change it up and compare yourself to rocks. I am doing pretty good for a rock.
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What's another name for the highway to hell? The route of all evil.
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My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn't know how to shave properly Bloody cheek!
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If Apple built a house would it have windows?
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Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, Isn't it dark down here? She replies, I don't know. I can't see.
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
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Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
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You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
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How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead.
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My name is John but you can call me tonight.
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
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Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
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The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies.
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Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!
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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, Disneyland Left. So they started crying and went home.
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I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security
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I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.
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What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
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What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
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Drinktill she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
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You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
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Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
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A blonde said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.
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I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
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I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
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The light at the end of the tunnel might just be an incoming train.
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16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
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Why do blondes always wash there hair? They just read the instructions. Lather Rinse Repeat
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Save your breath You'll need it to blow up your date.
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What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
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Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
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Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
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The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand
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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
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You're old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
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Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
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What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
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Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
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Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
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What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?
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Sometimes I go into the fitting room with jeans three sizes too big so I can feel what it's like to succeed at a diet.
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It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
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Why did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!
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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship I apologize and You are right.
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I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.
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What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.
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Marriage is all about compromise. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in.
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For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships. I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.
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Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
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How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
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According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
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Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, You know, one would have been enough.
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How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub.
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Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
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Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack.
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What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
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I get queasy at the sight of my own blood, but I could paint a barn with yours.
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People are lot less judgy when you say you ate anavocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole.
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I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall: honestly, you couldn't make it up.
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One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?
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Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!
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Chinese takeaway - £27.50. Petrol to get there - £3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless
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Every time I tell a punny cow joke, I butcher it.
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People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
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Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.
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A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
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My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
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Want to hear a pizza joke nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame.
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If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
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If a stranger offers you a piece of candy take two.
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Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?
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What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.
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What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
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Only an ass can be divided in half.
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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
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Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.
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What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
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I love my six packs so much that I have protected it with layers of fat.
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What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? I'm stuck on you!
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If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
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Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.
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Eternally long a woman can be looking at 3 things in a supermarket. And then, bang! She buys 7 things!
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Marriage through the ages creates new reflexive responses, for example it was only the other night the wife panted that she was so very hot, so I turned on the airconditioner.
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Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
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I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in.
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If the sun is so hot how come it's single.
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My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
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Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
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Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?
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What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
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Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.
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What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
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What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
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Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.
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What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, Spit out your gum, and the other says, Choo choo choo!
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No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
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Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
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Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class!
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Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
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I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?
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Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!
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To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
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Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!
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What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you!
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How does a blonde drown a fish? She puts it in water!
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Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
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Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, It's dark in here isn't it? The other replied, I don't know: I can't see.
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You should need a license to be that ugly.
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!
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If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
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How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.
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You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
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Real men don't cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
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You can't have everything, where would you put it?
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The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
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I think without doubt the best job in Iraq, would have to be Foreign Ambassador
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Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
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It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.
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Dentist: You need a crown. Patient: Finally someone who understands me
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I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
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What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
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Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit.
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I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
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How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
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Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
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My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
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My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job.
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If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
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Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
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I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.
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I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
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Waitress:Do u have any questions about the menu? Me:What kind of font is this?
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My doctor told me youll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday.
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Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.
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Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
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Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy.
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Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.