SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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When men say I'm fine they actually mean it. Weirdos.
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Grocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
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My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
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Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.
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He's as sharp as a bowling ball.
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Are your parents siblings?
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Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.
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If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking,What did you do?
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My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
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There is no dance without the dancers.
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Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.
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My toddler ate some googly eyes and I'm really excited to see if she's going to recreate the poop emoji.
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He's not dead: he's electroencephalographically challenged.
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline.
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Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks? A: Silicon Valley.
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How was your day mom? is teenager for I need something that costs money.
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If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
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Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
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Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
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If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
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First word in the world - Huh?
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Me: Hey did you buy100 Count Tennis Balls from Amazon? Wife: No. Dog: Pretending to read newspaper.
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
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Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
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I lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.
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A straight face and a sincere-sounding Huh? have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, What kind of music do you like? The other says, I'm a big metal fan.
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I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
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Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
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TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
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T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.
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Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler.
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I've found if you say well well well as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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Burglar gently waking me you live like this?
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What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
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Never argue with a woman when she's tired or when she's rested.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
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He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
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The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
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She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
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You can't sleep either? Says a voice from under your bed.
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What's the best place to grow flowers in school? In the kindergarden.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small.
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Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
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Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language
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There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it.
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Sure, I'd love to help you out now, which way did you come in?
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Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
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If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
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My son came home as I was taking his door off its hinges and asked: Dad what are you doing? I said, We've updated our privacy policy.
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Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
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Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
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Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
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Behind every successful man, you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
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Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
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I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
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He always finds himself lost in thought: it's unfamiliar territory.
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A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
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I like the way your medication thinks.
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It's the freaking weekend, find a sleepy seaside town with a horrifying backstory and a murder to solve.
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Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
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I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.
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An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine.
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I am depressed in every way except emotionally.
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Me (at work): I think I'm having a heart attack. My boss: Do that on your own time!
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A female magician made her boyfriend vanish. How? By asking for a commitment.
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What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
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I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
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I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.
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I bet Egyptians were all like Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do and then came the internet.
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Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.
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The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.
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It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
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My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
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Teacher: What is the future tense of the statement:I had killed a thief'? Student: You will go to jail.
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Can a woman make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you're a Billionaire.
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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
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Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.
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I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
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The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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Kids, don't grow up it's a trap!
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It's not the fall that kills you: it's the sudden stop at the end.
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There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
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I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
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Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
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Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
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Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
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When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
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What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.
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How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The device will work much better, if you turn it on.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
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I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
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I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
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Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store.
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My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.
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I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
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The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
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I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Lite: the new way to spell Light, now with 20% fewer letters!
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Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
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Even paranoids have enemies.
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My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
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Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
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The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
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Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.
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Whiteboards are remarkable.
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Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
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There's safety in Numbers, but I prefer Deuteronomy.
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Dear men, I don't want anything for Valentine's Day is the same as I'm fine. You're welcome.
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Don't underestimate me, that's my mother's job.
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Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
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Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
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Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
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Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
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The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
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Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
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Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
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If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.
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My girlfriend said, You act like a detective too much. I want to split up. Good idea, I replied. We can cover more ground that way.
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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
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A procrastinator's work is never done.
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If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
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How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
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I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.
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The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
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I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.
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Alzheimer's can't be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday.
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Dads are like boomerangs I hope.
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Room service. Honeymoon salad. What's that? Lettuce alone.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
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Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.
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Sometimes late at night in bed, I wonder what life choices do I have to make to be the guy who saysyeah in the background of hip-hop songs.
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I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
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I believe in respect for the dead: in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
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It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
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What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?
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When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts.
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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
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Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
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Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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Strangers have the best candy.
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I think, therefore I'm single.
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Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
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Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.
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You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
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Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.
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I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
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My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
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If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
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Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
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Teacher: Name a bird with wings but can't fly. Student: A dead bird, sir.
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Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
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I used to build stairs for a living, it's an up and down business.
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After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband he's not listening anyway.
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Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.
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The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
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If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
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Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!
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What is an alien's favorite candy? A Mars bar!
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The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.
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Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.
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How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
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How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.
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Ask me about my vow of silence.
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What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a mile between the s's!
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Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
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I intend to live forever or die trying.
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I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
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My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status I'm getting a divorce, he was the first one to click Like.
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Maybe it's not global warming. Maybe it's just planetary menopause.
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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
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What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.
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People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Fathers Day is just like Mothers Day, only you don't spend as much.
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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
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What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.
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What does reading comprehension even mean?
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Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
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Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
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What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!
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Here's to alcohol, the cause of – and solution to – all life's problems.
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Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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The inventor of autocorrect in a mobile phone has died. Rest in Peas.
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A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
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What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed? He puts his pajamazon.
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If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
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We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
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What do you call a Camel with 3 humps? Pregnant!
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Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.
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If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I'm possible.
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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
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I think you press 0 to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you.
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Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
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Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs. One turns to the other and says: He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.
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Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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I was once employed by the council to think up new names for all the cul-de-sacs in my town It was a real dead end job.
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Math Teacher: If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have? Student: A drinking problem.
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If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers.
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You know why there aren't any good science puns nowadays? Because all the good ones argon.
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My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
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I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
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When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
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Never laugh at your girlfriends choices your one of them.
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A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
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What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
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I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
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Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.
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Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
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Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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My Girlfriend was walking in her sleep so I put a vacuum cleaner in her hand
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.
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What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
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Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, My door is always open.
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
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The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
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Were any famous men born on your birthday? No, only little babies.
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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
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If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President
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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
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You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, for example.
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It's not what man can create it's what man can become.
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If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
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Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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It's a good thing farts aren't contagious like yawns.
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Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!
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You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, I'm fine than when you are flying on an airplane.
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I have a bumper sticker that says Honk if you think I'm sexy. Then I sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
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Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
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Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store!
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I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
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Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
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The look in my wife's eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.
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If I had $1 for every time I looked on the negative side of things, I'd have a huge tax bill.
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My old teacher used to tell me that I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia. Well I've recently made 3 jugs and a vase so up yours Mr Jones.
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.
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Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?
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The best way to keep a job is to work at it!
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Constipated people don't give a crap.
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Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
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Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.