SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a mirror.
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My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.
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Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence.
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Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
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At this point in my life, my resume's special skills section just says: pronounces Massachusetts towns and can nap on planes.
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I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
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Hot older men in your area want to know if you have been playing with the thermostat?
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I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.
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I start every conversation with my employees by saying, I shouldn't be telling you this just so I know they will listen.
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
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Marriage is mostly misreading facial expressions and asking each other, You ok?
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I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
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One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.
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Crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime?
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Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.
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No Déjà vu please I Don't want to go through that again
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If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.
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I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
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The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
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Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
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Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
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When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
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Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
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At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
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I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
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Cells multiply by dividing.
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I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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You're the reason God created the middle finger.
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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Life is too complicated in the morning.
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Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme
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If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.
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Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth.
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How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
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I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.
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Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
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Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
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If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
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I like to finish other people's sentences because my version is better.
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Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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1973: smoking in the boy's room. 2018: vaping in the gender-neutral restroom.
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What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road!
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Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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I once worked as a salesman and was very independent: I took orders from no one.
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Despite my specific instructions, no one that has listened to my voicemail has left me a massage after the beep.
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Imagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice.
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What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
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If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
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There are approximately 45 seconds between I'll make us an omelet and We're having scrambled eggs.
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I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but
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What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!
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Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
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I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
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An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
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Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
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Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
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Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
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If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
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I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
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Cancer cures smoking.
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I love my life, but it just wants to be friends
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
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I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
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My taste in men is so bad, the walk of shame for me is when I'm on my way to a date.
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Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?
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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
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Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know
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We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
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Life is scary: at least the salary is funny.
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You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
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I like when flies won't leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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The kid drowned. All his mates showed up at his funeral with life jackets on. Because it's what he would've wanted.
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Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
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A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
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Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
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R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
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My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly we need to talk.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
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Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word many to me. It means a lot.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
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Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.
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What underwear does clouds wear? Thunderwear!
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Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
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What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
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I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son.
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Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
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Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
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Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says My wife's an angel another guy says Your lucky, mines still alive.
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Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
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If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
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I'm not lazy I'm just on my energy saving mode.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
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I can cut down a tree only using my vision. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!
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Finally got around to watching Back To The Future It's about time.
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What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!
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When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
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If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?
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You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
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It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
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We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.
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It's strange that, despite all the warnings, I've never seen a tombstone that read: Died from not forwarding that e-mail to 10 people.
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Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
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What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
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People who say they've lost their voice are lying.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
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Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
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If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
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A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
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Is it good or bad if your vacuum sucks?
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My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.
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Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it.
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I hate cocaine dealers. Always sticking their business into other people's noses.
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
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According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
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If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.
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Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match!
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Autocorrect can go to He'll.
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What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.
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What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
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Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
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Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver!
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once going twice.
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Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, Is this some kind of joke?
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Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
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Let me tell you the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
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Sorry I'm late traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that.
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Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded
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I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
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Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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Your finest Scotch, please. Yes, sir, the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
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A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers.
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It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.
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The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
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Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick. Boss: Come on in, we'll check you out.
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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
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I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.
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If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
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Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
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At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
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Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win they lose.
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If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.
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I would make jokes about the sea, but they are too deep.
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Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default tounstable'.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
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It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, I want to report a nuisance caller, he said Not you again.
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I always give 100 % which is why I lost my job as an exam marker!
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He who hesitates is boss.
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The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
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A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross! I said, People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
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I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes but I have big feet.
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Young riders pick a destination and go Old riders pick a direction and go.
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You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones.
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If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
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Seek knowledge from cradle to the grave.
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Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
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Turtles think frogs are homeless.
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I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
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I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
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When I grow up, I'm going to make my kids watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
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People used to laugh at me when I would say I want to be a comedian, well nobody's laughing now.
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Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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Did Noah include termites on the ark?
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I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
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Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
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I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
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Bullets are weird. They only do their job after they are fired.
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I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
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The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
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Only dead fish go with the flow.
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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.
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Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
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You sound a lot like the Terms and Conditions, that's why I don't give a shit about what you have to say.
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I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
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You're like school in the summertime - no class.
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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten by a giant crab.
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You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, concentrate.
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42 percent of statistics are made up!
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What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish!
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Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.
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I am known at the gym as the before picture.
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
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Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
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Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
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Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
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If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
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Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
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Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa.
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
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What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
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Why can't you take anything balloons say seriously? They're always full of hot air!
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Tired isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
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I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
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You are not even beneath my contempt.
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The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
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I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is Scaring men is easy.
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I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw.
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I Googled how to start a wildfire. I got 48,500 matches.
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I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
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What is the tallest building in the world? A library- it has the most stories!
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Taxes are the price we pay for a civilization. In light of recent results, I want my money back.
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People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.
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Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.
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It's bad luck to be superstitious.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine.
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You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.
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What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
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Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. Do you have any kids? she asked. Yes, I replied. I have one child that's just under two. She said, I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.
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My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
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What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
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Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable
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I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women
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The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow.
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When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
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What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!
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The EU now has 1 GB of free space.
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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
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Nothing says I love my dog quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
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If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
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Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.