SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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What do you call a dead Magician? A ABRACADAVA.
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Where does one apply to be a kept man?
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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
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What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
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Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
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It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
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Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
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I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
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Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven.
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Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
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In America, you find a party, in Russia, party always finds you.
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Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
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Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
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Try to use this vacuum, it may help you remove the cobwebs in your mind.
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Q: What did the full moon vampire say to the other full moon vampire? A: See you next month!
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He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
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Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry…
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She's looking for a man to take her breath away. Hopefully gagging counts
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot.
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If I followed you home, would you keep me?
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A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
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Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.
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I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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You're so poor that when you light up a Lucifer, the cockroaches celebrate that they finally have central heating.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.
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The video from the ring infects people with airborne pathogens. The video went viral.
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What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else!
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The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.
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If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
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Me in my 20's: Dresses like I'm on the catwalk. Me in my 30's: dresses like I walk cats.
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I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!
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Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
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Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
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What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.
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I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank: I have no words for how angry I am.
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Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
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A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
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Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
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A teacher asks a student, Are you ignorant or just apathetic? The kid answers, I don't know and I don't care.
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I'm smiling. This should scare you.
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New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea. My boss told me to get my shit together.
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on the sand.
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My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed You're psychic to You're psycho.
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NASA is sending traditionalist Christians to the red planet Amish on to Mars.
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If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
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What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A hot dog!
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I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.
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What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
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You smell like trash .. Can I take you out?
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don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
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How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
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Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? No son, have you seen my glasses?
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What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Noah's diary: Day 35: Unicorn pie is really delicious!
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People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with lol should be shot.
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I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
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A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
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What do you call a knife in Japan? A Santoku!
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My brother and I were visiting our grandmother in the hospital. My brother says grandma I can't stand to see you like this My grandmother replies well get the hell out then!
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Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
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What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.
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I can't decide which room not to clean first.
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Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.
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Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have the less shit you have to eat.
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There's only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world. A Dog.
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You have more chins than Chinatown.
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My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
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Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
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Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!
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My drinking team has a bowling problem.
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What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Sant rolling off your roof.
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Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.
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A Pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza left.
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I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.
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I named a comet after you. It's called piece of shit comet.
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When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
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I just discovered that the word nothing is a palindrome Backwards it spells gnihton, which also means nothing.
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
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While most puns make me feel numb, mathematic puns make me feel number.
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Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins.
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What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
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I like to give people blank Thank you cards for their birthdays and then when they ask me what it's for I say, You'll thank me later!
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Math puns are the first sine of madness!
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I hate when people ask for likes Like if you agree!
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What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
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Cowgirls are like cow pats - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn't have one.
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Wanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.
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I was blinded by your beauty: I'm going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
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Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
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I feel bad for single guys out there. Snap chat filters make 2s look like 10s. Good luck.
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At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.
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Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
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If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.
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Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food.
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What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
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I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway realize what bikes do?
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Just cause you got a bigger brain doesn't mean you got more IQ.
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As soon as you lose the ability to control your digestive system, it's all over
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Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
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If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
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Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
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At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.
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Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
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Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
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At school he used to enjoy streaking. On it's own, not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school.
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Why do people ask me if I'm hiding, if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!
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What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
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When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
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I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath.
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You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
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Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.
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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.
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You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror.
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Smaller babies may be delivered by storks but the heavier ones would need a crane!
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My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
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How many lights does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the light is already in the bulb.
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The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
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What time is lunch? Is there any left after you eat?
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An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women
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You're the best! At being the worst.
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I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
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I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
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What do you call dog meat? Pet food.
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You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
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They lie about marijuana: Marijuana makes you unmotivated. Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference.
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Why did the chicken cut his legs and wings off? To make his dinner.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
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Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.
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Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
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Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
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Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark? and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
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Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay You have my Word!
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What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship.
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
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You must be some kind of weirdo to like The Doors. I guess People Are Strange.
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I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
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What is a math teacher's favorite sum? Summer!
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Loltard: Someone who useslol too much.
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By age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band.
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My local priest thinks he's ugly, so ugly in fact he's decided to wear a mask when he offers holy communion. Certainly is a blessing in disguise.
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In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
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I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: Mom was I ill?
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They said too much of everything is bad But too much of goodness ain't bad?
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I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying.
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I'm selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
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There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
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The day you feel like am I a joke to you is the day when you study for a science exam and realized that the exam is math.
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What food describes most men? Jerky.
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Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
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Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries? Insanitea.
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1984: Is my house bugged? Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet.
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What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus!
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Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.
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How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
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Why did the summer school teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright!
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Because it would be hilarious, is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
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Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
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Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
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Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in
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Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
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I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!
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Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server.
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What is the difference between Scientology and Christianity? People don't believe in scientology.
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I saw 2 men mugging an old lady and I asked myself if I should help but decided that 3 would be overkill.
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What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!
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I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!
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Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.
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If A is for Apple and B is for banana what is C for? Plastic explosives.
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Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth.
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Why did the baseball player have difficulty dating? Because he always had trouble getting to first base.
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What does TIA stand for? Thanks in advance.
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I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick.
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Squirrels – nature's speed bumps.
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I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
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How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.
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Sometimes God sends one of your EX back in life just to check if you are still stupid.
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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Seminar How to avoid frauds is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.
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And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.
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Me: Let's stay in bed. Me also: Good idea.
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Knock, knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body home?
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I wanted to do panic buying. I checked my account. I can only panic.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!
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‘A pedigree bulldog missing. Founders – rest in peace.
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Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
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Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
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I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right.
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When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
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If money did grow on trees, autumn would be the best season ever!
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You should be happy we're having turkey, rather than the turkey have us.
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Offer to wake up early and make pancakes for your family. Cut up round, pancake-size pieces of cloth beforehand. Coat the cloth pieces with batter and cook them up. They look like actual pancakes, but can't be cut, even with a knife.
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Why did the slave go to college? To pick up his master's degree.
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How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December
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The doctors found a diseased blood type: U.
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I feel like Tampax – at a good place, but wrong time…
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You must be from Prague because I can't help but Czech you out.
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I'm a people person, but from a distance.
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Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
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Why did the farmer only wear one boot to town? He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
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When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
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What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space. Terrible joke. Only three stars.
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Baby you're so cute you made my page 404.
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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me.
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Chuck Norris once snorted a kilo of cocaine: it had no effect.
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My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.
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There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them, there's a gruyerea.
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Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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My mate broke his left arm and left leg, but he was alright.
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If The Weekend canceled his tour, would it be next Weekend, the Weekend after next or three Weekends from this Saturday?
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I typed married but it was auto-corrected to martyred. Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence.
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Are you a Disney princess? Cuz your Cinder-hella-fine.
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All men are idiots and I married their king.
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Do you know how to lose weight fast.
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My parents read the book I was writing. They said they hope the main character dies. It was an autobiography.
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Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings.
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Why do Jehovah's witnesses hate Halloween? They don't like people knocking on their door!
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She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
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At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.
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Misspell one word and the whole text is urined.
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Did it hurt when you felt from heaven? Yeah, I died 5 years ago, like that puck up line.
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No matter how long it takes you to make a time machine, you'll still have your whole life ahead of you.
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If your partner asks, Do you love your phone more than you love me? Lie.
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I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's! I'm going to park the car and walk in.
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People with diarrhea don't have their shit together.
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What do heroin, jaywalking and prostitution have in common? They're all illegal, but people do them anyway.
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[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me . I said u look really fat in those pants!
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When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
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I bought a book titled How To Scam People Online about three months ago It still hasn't arrived.
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Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
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Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
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Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
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The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.
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Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
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If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
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If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
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Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea Guess what it means.
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We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we've been married for 10 years.
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I plan a clairvoyants meeting. When, where and what time you know I assume.
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If you eat too much curry, you get into a Korma.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
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One wall to another Meet you at the corner.
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What should you do if you come across an elephant? Apologize and wipe it off.
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I love you just the way you are. Though I do have a few suggestions.
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Valentines Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
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Political parties are like toilet paper. Whichever side you select, you end up getting poop!
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Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.
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I'm less of a Femme fatale and more like a femme mentale.
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it's always good to preorder.
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
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It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time: you can even fool some the people all of the time: but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
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I can't afford aromatherapy so I just randomly sniff stuff and hope.
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If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!
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I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner.
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You won't drink away the alcoholism.
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Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.