SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, Who's first?
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Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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My fear of moving stairs escalates.
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I asked the bus driver How long will the next bus be? He replied Same length as this one.
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If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot it's on the right foot.
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Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles how to read a book.
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
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I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
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The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
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To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
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I hate when I'm running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it's been 4 minutes.
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What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade!
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Is Japan looking for you? Cause you're on a whale watch.
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I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.
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When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
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What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache.
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You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds.
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Oh no! Help! I'm under a tack!
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Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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Be it any situation but your friends are gonna be there with you probably asking for a treat!
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Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.
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Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
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It's a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
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If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line.
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Why do rich kids have shiny white teeth? Cause they brush with coke.
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Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
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What's the difference between women and wine? Wine gets better with age.
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Everything is rightly confused.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick
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Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.
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If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…
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I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And..
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Why do I always know where to go when I am canoeing? Because I canoe it.
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Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
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My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.
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America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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No one wants a framed picture of your children as a gift.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO !
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Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine.
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I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything.
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Trust but verify.
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A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
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If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.
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My teacher was talking about excuses and told me to not tell her that my homework grew legs and flew away.
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Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
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Life is like a box of chocolates: it ends sooner for fat people.
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Was invited to a birthday party last evening but didn't have a Blast. Hardly any Bombs!
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You're so dumb you thought quarter backs was a change machine.
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Math problems were invented by men, just so women would be wrong some of the time.
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Today on Twitter, I lost a follower. Now I know how Jesus feels everyday.
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I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
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Sweating like a lost goat wandering past a hungry Bedouin.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
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My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
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My take home pay won't even get me home.
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Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger? Because he was married to the wrong woman.
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A woman once wanted me to father her child no strings attached. In other words, I like your genes, but I don't like what you've done with them. I agreed but with one condition. She had to put it up for adoption.
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Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, It's psychic, idiot!
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What mobile game do coke addicts play? Nose Candy Crush.
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Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion
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Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
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Change your Facebook Status to I'm Pregnant or I'm Engaged and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought That's a turtle disaster.
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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side!
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What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
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If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.
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We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober.
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Deja Vu – When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, Divorce is strong with this one!
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Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates ..(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.
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If you can't remember my name, just saydonuts'. I'll turn around and look.
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What do you call Dinner and Breakfast? Dickfeast!
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Didn't go to Church today, instead, I stayed at home and listened to REM. Guess I'm losing my religion.
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What's long and green and has a low I.Q.? A St. Patrick's Day Parade.
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If brain cells had value, you'd be broke.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
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What did one telephone say to another? You are too young to be engaged!
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
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‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head? a Thought said and killed herself…
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.
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If the music's too loud you're too old.
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I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.
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Her love makes my world go round.
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Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.
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If you're still looking for that one person who will change your life take a look in the mirror.
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What's black and white and red all over? Santa covered with chimney soot.
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Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
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What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him? Get off me homes.
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Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.
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I love the way you move like butter on a bald monkey.
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If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.
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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.
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I love coffee. It's Redbull for old people.
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much.
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Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
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My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, Everyone just eats it.
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Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
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Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.
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Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
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A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.
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If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
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My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
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 Day I don't approve of political jokes I've seen too many of them get elected.
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The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
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How do you get Pikachu onto the bus? You Pokemon.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
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You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
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I threw a ball for my dog It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
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Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet!
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Shock me, say something intelligent.
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Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
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Why shouldn't you use a sausage's Wi-Fi? It's the wurst!
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Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house
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Got a neighbor who's a real patriot? Always flying the flag? Sneak out late at night and replace it with a large pair of boxer shorts.
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He's a few clowns short of a circus.
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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR. What's my mother going to do?
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When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's Incredible. But when I do it, I'm an alcoholic.
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I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire.
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You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong!
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I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.
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Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
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You look like something I drew with my left hand.
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Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
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For my wife's birthday, I bought her a fridge freezer. I know it's not much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
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A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
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If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!
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You can have too much of a good thing: birthdays.
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Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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On St. Patrick's Day I like to make believe I'm Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I'm good.
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 Patrick's Day I hated my job at the fireworks factory, I got fired a lot.
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Facebook is telling me to reconnect with my brother hmmm, I see him everyday
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
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The trick to really enjoying someone's company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
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I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately.
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There was only 2 things I was good at in school Maths.
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I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy hasn't brought it back.
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Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin alive.
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What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
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You so ugly, your mama had morning sicknesses after you were born.
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Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.
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The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
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Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels. I've been working on it tirelessly.
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The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
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Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
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I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman.
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If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
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The next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts. After they've eaten a few handfuls, casually mention that you've never liked peanuts, but you love to suck the chocolate off of them.
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What do ghosts read? Booooks!
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
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The new french tank is pretty cool, it can go in 16 directions. 15 of which go backwards, 1 goes forwards in case the enemy comes from behind.
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Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: never stops screaming
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Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.
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If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
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You need to carry women in your arms: they will climb on your back by themselves.
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I'm just a narcissist.
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‘Do you know if pigs have periods? ‘Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?
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Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!
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Life's a bitch,cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
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I'm at the age where I can't keep up with all the things I hate.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
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What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!
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How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine?
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When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters not used are DEN-MARK.
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In our youth we were so pretention in our vision of lustful attractiveness, but with advancing age we can now appreciate one's beauty within, thank goodness, because now we are rightfully mirror shy.
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He said I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought That's a turn-up for the books.
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What will it take to reunite Nirvana? Two more bullets.
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Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.
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Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off
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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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Everyone's making memes on Iran and USA, meanwhile the struggle Israel.
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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What do perverted leprechauns drink on St. Patricks Day? Mount & Do.
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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
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I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.
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I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.
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Grandma told me, They should send you for death!, but I didn't make much of it since I was busy trying to remember what I came for.
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Please spread the word. Sure, no problem! W o r d.
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Where do cows go on their summer vacation? Moo York.
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Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: opens front facing camera
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To the question ‘What are you doing here? 72% answered negative.
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A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign.
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Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.
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She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.
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Politics is just show business for ugly people.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said You drink too much.
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All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
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My apocalypse survival plan is to die immediately.
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Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
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They are doing a sequel to Finding Dory where she discovers she has cancer and searches for a cure. It's called Finding Chemo.
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What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
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Walk up to a friend at work or school and whisper, They know. Then quickly walk away. Most people will wrack their brains wondering what they did that people found out about.
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Happy Valentines Day, who's your date today, your mom?
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My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.
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Nurse: Doctor why is there a thermometer behind your ear? Doctor: Damn! Some asshole must have my pen!
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My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa. I have Claustrophobia.
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I quit watching How to Get Away With Murder a few seasons back because I didn't feel like I was learning anything.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I think Facebook needs a group so gingers can mark themselves as safe in this heat.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where saluting the moths of the year become more important than to salute your friends
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What's most interesting song? My girlfriends fart.
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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What sound does a train make when it's eating? Chew chew Very Punny right?
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What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
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I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!
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I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.
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Never tell your problems to anyone 20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them
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How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
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I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield that day. Sir Prise
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My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
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Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
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You are my methods. I am nothing without you.
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My dad never seemed to see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch he does it every day.
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What does a Ghost say on 12/31? Happy New Fear!/Happy boo year!
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I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
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What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common? They both think,My moms gonna kill me.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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I thought about my ex-girlfriend today, then I wiped my ads and flushed the toilet.
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5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
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Titanic was such a beautiful movie, it always gets me. Makes me wanna go on a cruise like that one day.
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Our family motto is Who took my phone charger?
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What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
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Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
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It's funny because it's !false.
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Please, Lady, come home with me. You never know what I'll turn into, at midnight!
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Your so ugly when you were born your mom said Oh what a treasure and your dad said Yeah le´ts bury it.
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
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As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech.
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You had me at cello.
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Don't drink and drive because you might spill the drink.
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How do you milk sheep? Release a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.
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People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims.
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AJim's Dozen is 11, because I take one for myself.
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He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
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Someone broke into my house and stole my external hard drive: they really got my backup.
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The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Cause you're fatter than they are.
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Only a women who delivered a baby without epidural can understand a guy who is having a cold.
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I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
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The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.
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Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
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Shut up, will you? Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?
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How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome to 127.0.0.1
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Ice-T was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Now he's using the stage name Chocolate Shake.
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I like to have a Frappuccino each morning with my Breakfast I'm a Cereal Frapist.
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Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? She woke up with a heavy dew on her.
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If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.
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You know that person that always have to be right and have the last word? Shoot them!