SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Diplomacy is saying nice doggy until you find a big rock.
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The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
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Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
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Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace.
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
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I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
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Everybody repeat after me: We are all individuals.
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What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!
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What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.
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There's no I in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance.
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
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Today I have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee.
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Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero. I donate five, and get arrested?
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The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy: other times I let her sleep.
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Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.
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The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
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I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.
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Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
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Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
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A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, I think I might be a typo.
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Give it to me! Give it to me! she yelled, I'm so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
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What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
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Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice
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Teacher: I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass? Student: The cow ate the grass, sir.
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Everything happens for a reason: unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
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She said I wanna look bomb in the party. I said don't worry, we'll have a blast.
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What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!
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Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
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Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.
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 sarcastic I'm Irish. You're not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
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What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
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If elevators hadn't been invented, all the CEOs would have their offices on the first floor as a sign of status. And the entry level employees would be up on the 60th floor.
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What do you call someone without a nose or a body? Nobodynose.
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Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
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What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself.
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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
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The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
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Women with pasts interest men they hope history will repeat itself.
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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter.
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Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican I ended up footing a massive bill.
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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
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Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other do you have to do that right now?
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I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
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Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
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Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
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Absolutely furious that a handful of things not suited to my taste are well liked by others.
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A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
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If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
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I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
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There is a new trend in our office: everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
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I saw a sign that said Watch for children and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
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If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
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I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
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If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.
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No one is listening until you fart.
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Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys.
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I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it
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Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
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There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
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Wives are like grenades Remove the ring and boom, a house is gone!
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
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Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
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All the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago I'm sorry, but they shouldn't all have been standing in the same place.
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Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.
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Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
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You're IQ's lower than your shoe size.
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Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
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What do you call your sister if she only has one leg? Eileen.
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Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs
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I am probably single .because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
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Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
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When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electric bill, I am afraid of the light.
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If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
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A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.
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Having teenagers is just paying for a bunch of dates that you don't get to go on.
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I started wearing skinny jeans because they're fashionable and I was tired of my wife respecting me as a man.
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
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I'm not crazy: I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
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I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
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When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.
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May you never leave your marriage alive.
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Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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A girl in a restaurant asked me Are you single?. I happily replied Yes. She took away the extra chair in front of me.
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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.
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I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed.
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Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
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I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.
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80 % of the brain is fluid. Unfortunately, in your case, it's brake fluid.
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Remember, it's not what you do it's what you get away with.
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This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.
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The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
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To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female…
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Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
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I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired?
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You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live.
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It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
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If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
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I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
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I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.
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By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
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I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
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My boss just said to me You've been late five days this week Do you know what that means? I certainly do - it's FRIDAY!
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Why did the scarecrow win the competition? He wasoutstanding in his field!
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Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.
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Wife renewed me for another season.
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My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
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Just had a date with a woman who welds for a living and oh my, were the sparks flying.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
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I have the Emergency Alert Warning sound set as the ringtone for when my wife calls.
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Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!
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You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own.
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Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
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How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.
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-4° looks like a depressed guy sitting on a toilet.
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I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.
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A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Look to your left --------------> I said left you idiot!
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I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio I don't understand a word they're saying.
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What did one pencil say to the other pencil? You're looking sharp!
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I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
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I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
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Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? U stop imagining
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I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
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You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend? I love you with all my art!
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If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.
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If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature.
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Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
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Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
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I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out
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I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
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I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
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There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
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Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
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Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?
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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
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My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that
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Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning.
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Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
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Everyone my age is older than me
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
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Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
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Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
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I broke up with my girlfriend at restaurant. She started crying. Everyone thought I proposed her so they started clapping.
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They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken.
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There are so many scams on the Internet these days . but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
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Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one.
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
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How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.
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What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.
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What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't open the door? TRIFORCE!
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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
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What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
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Teacher: Where was the Constitution of India signed? Student: At the bottom of the page!
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How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.
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What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
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Did you ever look at what's Popular on Netflix and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix?
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I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
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If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up.
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I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
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In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log.
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Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: I need to axe you a question.
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A guy and a dog are siting at a bar. Dog says to guy, you think your wifes a bitch!
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Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work.
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I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was Always.
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Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!
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I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook-they eat: we clean-they dirty: we iron-they wrinkle.
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Is it weird that one nipple is bigger than my other two?
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
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What did the shuttlecock say when it got hit? Who's making all the racquet?
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The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
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A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
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Just saw two zombies on a date and they say romance is dead.
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I didn't know angels could fly so low.
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A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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To the women who say Men are only interested in one thing. Have you ever considered being more interesting?
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Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Well, a joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.
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If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
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One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.
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Why is a tennis game a noisy game? Because each player raises a racket.
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The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.
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Legends don't die I am a living example!
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A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
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What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? Catch ya later!
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Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
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I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
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Well son, in the90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.
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Hi, can I follow you home tonight? Sorry, that came out a little strong, my mom always told me to follow my dreams.
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Do you need space? Join NASA!
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Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? A: It had no body to dance with!
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You're so short when you smoke weed you don't get high.
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I met my soulmate. She didn't.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.
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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
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I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
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The wordpossesses', possesses so many s's, that any one can't assess it without knowings', I guess !
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Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.
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How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
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What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
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How does a cup steal from you? He mugs you.
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It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
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Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.
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If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
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When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
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The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.
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Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
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My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup and save the other one for later, so I'm clearly married to a supernatural being.
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Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
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I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
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What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
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Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
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Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
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We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, Assembly required.
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A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
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Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's ALRIGHT now!
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What race is never run? A swimming race.
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It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
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(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.
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Remember when It's complicated was a relationship status, not a gender?
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
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Just saw a heavyset man carrying loads of weapons, even had one hanging out of his backside it was big arsen all.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.
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My prince is not coming on a white horse He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.
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Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
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What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.
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Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
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Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
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My job is secure. No one else wants it.
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My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.