SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired.
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Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
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I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
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Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
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Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
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How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? Please get out of the pool.
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What do toys and boobs have in common? Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.
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The winner of the costume contest was the invisible man. He was invisible, and his wife wasn't much to look at either.
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
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I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
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Tattoos are like babies. You don't dare tell the truth and say they're ugly.
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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
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You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third… but I touched second.
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Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
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If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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My life is so shitty, Spike Lee wants to direct it.
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That whole letting go of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss.
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What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!
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What do you call a monkey with a gun? Gorillawarfare.
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9 out of 10 Americans are stupid… I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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What did the chicken say when it got to the library? Book book book book book book book
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We moved our treadmill outside so I can smoke.
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It's 10 pm, time to eat the fridge.
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Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
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I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
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All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
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Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.
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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.
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You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
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All pro athletes are  bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.
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The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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I wasn't going to co-exist until I saw your bumper sticker.
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Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never dropped a cabbage on their toe.
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Aibohphobia. It's irrational fear of palindromes.
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I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
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Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
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Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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I was about to crack a joke on boxers: now leave it, I forgot the punchline.
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It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!
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I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you're going to eat her.
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Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
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What pants do ghosts wear? BOO jeans.
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Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.
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How did Superman's enemies do him in? They put him in his crypt tonite!
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All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them
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Frank: Emilia how many boyfriends do you have? Emilia: You are the only one. Frank: I love you. Emilia: I love you too. Frank: Two? Why then do you say am the only one.
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You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number
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I believe in women's rights, which is why I gave my girlfriend the right to come to see me do comedy tonight. As you guys can see, she's imaginary. I also gave her the right to exist.
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What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
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You and Me = Grand Unification
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He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
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Do fish get thirsty?
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I don't ignore people, I just choose to not notice them.
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My patience has stretch marks.
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I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
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You should have your navel pierced so that you can have a place to hang the air freshener.
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Being an ugly girl is like being a man you have to work.
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My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
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Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.
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What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
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Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.
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Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
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One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
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Your IQ is roughly around room temperature.
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Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
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I grew up so poor we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
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When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.
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If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer.
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Puts down phone OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
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Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
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What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
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Cop: Have you been out drinking? Me: Uh yeah, I'm 28, I've been out drinking literally hundreds of times.
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The man who discovered copper died penniless.
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I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
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Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids Eat them!
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Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?
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Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.
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A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glade ateer
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star.
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You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
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You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
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I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart.
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I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
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My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
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Lately I've been trying to touch my toes, which I don't find so complicated, but my knees just can't get it straight.
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Tried to make a joke about putting Marijuana in the Dryer All I got was Tumbleweed.
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It's gonna be ok.
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Never trust a man that says, Trust me. and never trust a woman that says It's fine.
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Why did the octapus? Because the seaweed.
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Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.
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If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
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The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
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Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
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Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
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Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.
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What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
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I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor raise your hand.
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My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, What if these two socks don't even like each other?
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The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
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I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.
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You're so fat that Trump, won't need to build a wall anymore, he can just call you to stand at the border.
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This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.
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5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
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What do you call a mama cat? Tittycat!
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Put some ash or soot on your fingertip. Casually mention to a friend that he has a spot of dirt on his face as you reach up to remove it. Leave your mark!
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Twitter is myserious account. My Bank account is thejoke one.
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I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care.
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What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.
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When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
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Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.
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Beauty is not in the face: beauty is a light in the heart . Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
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I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
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Scientists created a six-legged turkey for families who fight over the drumsticks. But the turkeys escaped, and no one can catch them.
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According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. …
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You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
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My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb.
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I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second.
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Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
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Get stoned. Drink wet cement.
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Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!
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Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five.
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There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
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I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - drive in the opposite direction then he said.
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What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
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What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand-eye.
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It seems like less people are solving their differences with dance offs.
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My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
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Fat people are lucky - they get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat.
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Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
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They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.
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Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
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I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.
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I once hit a bat with a bat.
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If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.
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I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
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2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people: 1. They would spend it on alcohol. 2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
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Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
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My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence
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Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Someone says to his friend: I bought a cat And the other: You have to be kitten me!
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How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!
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What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?
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Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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Save money by sleeping a lot.
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What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.
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How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake.
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After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names…
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Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
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I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow.
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Some people are so happy to see you in the parade, so they have another reason to crap on it.
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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
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Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
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The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone.
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What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!
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So, my neighbor with the big titties is outside gardening topless today I just wish his wife would do the same!
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You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you.
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Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green.
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The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
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What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? Can I buy the Rogue one please?
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I'm sure my neighbor Nicholas is trying to poison me You're such an Arse, Nick.
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I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yellingI'm here. I'm over here.', in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasn't lost, at all, so I called off the search.
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job? Me: I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death.
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Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do 5 Abandon 4 Lie 3 Cheat 2 Abuse 1 Forget to start the dishwasher
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What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)
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3-year-old: What's a swear word? Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad. 3: Me: 3: Is my middle name a swear word?
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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50% per boob!
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A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
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What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
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My girlfriend broke up with me for being tooun-American'. I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.
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Why do kissing scenes in nearly every show have to use the soundtrack from a toddler slurping jello off of a plastic plate?
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Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It'll be snowing indoors.
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The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
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Boy: Are you dead because it looks like you dropped from heaven. Girl: Yeah I died I long time ago, just like that line.
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On your birthday, remember: don't drink and tattoo.
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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
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Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
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They told me I had type A blood, but it was Type O.
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A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.
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A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
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A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous.
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People clap when they see you, they clap their hands over their eyes.
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Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea!
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Why is Hulk such a good gardener? He's got green fingers.
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Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.
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Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
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I'm going to open a half way house for girls who don't want to go all the way!
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Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
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There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.
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A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes
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Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
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Why does Dwyane Wade wear number 3? Because that's a number of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt.
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, How do you know he was on his way to work?
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In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
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What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
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A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
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I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
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You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
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The difference between Girlfriend and Girl Friend is that little space in between we call the Friend Zone.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
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Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
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It takes two to lie One to lie and one to listen
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There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a unicorn
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What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
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Love is like an ice cream girl so eat it before it melts.
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Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
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What's the difference between God and a Doctor? God knows he's not a Doctor!
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What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
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Which is the word that starts with M and ends in ARRIAGE and it is man's favorite thing? Miscarriage!
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What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.
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When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
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Evolution: True science fiction.
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I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
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Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?Cause they don't want to get a sham rock.
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I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.
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To make a millennial laugh, just tell them how people used to believe a business or government would actually keep information confidential.
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When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.
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What do you call a young army? Infantry.
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Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.
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If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy.
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If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
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I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
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Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.
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Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine.
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You must be a full moon, coz everytime you are around me, I turn into a beast.
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Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.
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For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
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Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an A in lunch.
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When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says hey, I just wanna be friends.
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I drink to forget that I accidentally once said I love you when ending a call with a customer service rep.
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My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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Why was tiger looking inside the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
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Do you want to see something stupid? Look in the mirror!
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Does your head only have Udon noodles instead of a brain?
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I'm pretty sure Twitter is the smoking section of Facebook.
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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
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You have enough fat to make another human.
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A wise dog once told me: Life is like a box of chocolates it kills you.
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We all have one ginger friend that claims to be strawberry blonde.
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
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How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!
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Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
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I'm worried about the state of my bank. I tried five different ATMs today and they've all told me they have Insufficient Funds.
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I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
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Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!
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Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: There's a naked person outside!
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Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
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Photography tips: 1. Stop aiming the camera at yourself
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How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way!
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I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.
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When some one types kys, the way you can get them back is type, Kiss? Aww, thanks! They wil probably think you are stupid, but it is still hilarious.
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If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.
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The sentence Don't objectify women. has women as the object of the sentence. You have become the very thing you swore to destroy.
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Did you hear about the tailor who shredded all the neckwear? His company severed all ties.
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Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
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I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
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How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.
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I can't cut an onion because it makes me cry. My grandma died cutting an onion.