SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
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This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture I told her I'm just looking for matches.
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I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
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I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.
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What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
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Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
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How do you treat someone with herpes? With disdain.
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Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said oh goodie twins.
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Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
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What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
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Why do we laugh at female presidential candidates? Because they're Hillary-ous!
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If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled Beauty and the Beast you shouldn't ask her which one is which.
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Yo mamma so fat, when she plays paintball her teammates hide behind her.
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Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
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She is putting pasta up her ass call that pennetration. I prefer pasta on her chest. Spaghettits.
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Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to ? 6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to ? 6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?
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Why did the chink fail his blood test? He didn't study!
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What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
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Your so fat you were rolling down a hill and you never stopped.
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We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.
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Why did a woman include a bag of meth with her ATM transaction? She thought it would speed up her deposit!
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Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
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Staring at an eclipse without glasses is much less painful than looking at your face.
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Your so butters that clover the butter company used you in their adverts.
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What's the best thing about being a meth addict? Only one sleep till Christmas.
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There was an outbreak of food poisoning among the world leaders at the recent summit. During the food preparation, they feared what the Russians Putin May Merkel Trump.
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The next tropical cyclone should be named after you. It would be less fatal than your face.
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If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up?
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You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
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It's better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
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What's the difference between men and women going to the same holiday destination? Women go to phuket men go to fuket.
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What's the difference between a Boy-Scout and a Jew? Boy-Scouts get to leave camp.
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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The best present is the present made by your own slaves.
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Oh good, an email from every single store or website I've ever bought something from.
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Learn from your parents mistakes: use birth control.
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Just found out an acquaintance is a drug dealer, would never have guessed, seems like a nice, funny guy. He always cracked me up.
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Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access.
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Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel
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I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
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Sometimes I shoot off at the mouth but I have turrets syndrome.
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Finally I got laid on top of a how woman, I was on the upper berth and she on the lower one.
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You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.
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I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it.
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What do you call a fag in a wheel-chair? Roll-AIDS.
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I used some magic to make some fog laugh. It was mist tickle.
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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
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Two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the week cave.
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Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
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Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
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It's been proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of 13, boys around the age of 40.
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Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date: they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.
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I would like my pizza to be 1/3 Hawaiian, 1/3 meat-lovers, and 1/3 vegeterian, said the zombie.
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When some one told you that you have jelly rolls, you tried to eat yourself but your fat body stopped you from doing so.
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If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
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What medical condition does a person have if the shoot all the bullets out the mag, then tries to shoot the enemy and forgets he shoot all the bullets. Ammoneisa.
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What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
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Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
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In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such a principle.
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I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup Imagine that!
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ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
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Your pussy is in more danger than a seal during Shark Week.
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Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM.
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It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over.
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Welcome to our ool, notice there is no P in it, let's keep it that way.
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What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!
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If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.
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Looking at you, I understand why some animals eat their young.
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If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
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So sorry I asked if your makeup was by Picasso.
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Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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WHY GOD? WHY ONLY ME? WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME Didn't we had a deal that I never get old :'(
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I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough.
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My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
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Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you
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You know she loves you when she picks your nose. How much is determined by whether she gives it to you or eats it herself.
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Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.
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Hurry! Stop standing around, hearing all you can see!
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Your IQ is so low, even Frankenstein started crying.
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks
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Sis wanted a cheese, I gave her D camera and told her to say cheese!
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Is bullshit one word or two? I just want these Valentine's cards for my prayer group to be perfect.
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Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?
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I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.
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Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door.
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You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume.
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So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.
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Kyle: Dude, why is my netflix DVD out in the snow? Ben: Well, I heard the coolest thing on the internet right now is netflix and CHILL!
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You: Is there 22 letters in the alphabet Them: No there is 26 You: Sorry I forgot U R Q T
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Oh Sorry Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
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Man, a tire's life must suck, we seem them rolling, then we hating.
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I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can!
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What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year.
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If I was a dog, and you were a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower.
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Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
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One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.
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I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match
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If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.
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For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
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My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
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It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
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There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
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Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
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I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
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I drank so much I'm donating my liver to science fiction.
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Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down.
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Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
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What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.
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You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality.
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No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
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What do you call a man having a seizure in a pile of leaves? Russell.
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In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.
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I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, stop shaking the ladder you cunt.
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Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
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My friend required 10 stitches in his ass. He was trying to cut fart and the knife slipped.
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My love for you is like God. Not real.
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Your mother so old she breast milk turn into powder milk.
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People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing Could I be more WORKING!
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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Someone told me a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it.
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I'm Muslim. In my last stand up I bombed. CIA is after me now.
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I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there The people must have wondered, Where the fuck is the driver?
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What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
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Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal.
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Cheeses is the reason for the season.
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What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
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Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped? A moped can make it to 30.
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Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
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Your mama got a eye in her ass talking about I see that shit.
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A woman says to the dentist I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby. The dentist says Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!
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There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
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A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
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This is my backstory of how I discovered anal sex.
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I heard that Michael Jackson loved his soda, so much so that they called him the King of Pop.
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Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
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Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
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You so fat the scale screamed Get the fuck off me.
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What's a pedophiles favorite day of the year? Halloween because they get free delivery.
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Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!
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The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
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Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s
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I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
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My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry.
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My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old. So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.
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One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
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I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
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Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers.
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Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
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15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
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I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords.
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I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
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Suicide: Mans way of telling God - You can't fire me, I quit.
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Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day: give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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You don't like her? Drink more.
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Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
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Do you believe in love at first sight or do i pass by you again.
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I'm Only Here For The Free Food
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What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for.
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What does the dish scrambled eggs and brains have in common? Ignorant people!
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A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
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Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called Headmaster?
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Did you fall from heaven? No I crawled out from Hell. No wonder your really Hot!
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What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
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What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin.
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What can tourists do on a $65 tour of gang turf in Los Angeles? Purchase a postcard, t-shirt, and some crystal meth!
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Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? Because she was a ho ho ho.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? This Guy is a goldmine.
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Jesus fed 5,000 men but Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast.
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Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out?
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You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
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I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
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What do you get when you give away free meth at a redneck zoo? Iced animal crackers!
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Hitler wasn't that bad a guy, I mean he did kill Hitler.
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I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
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I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.
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How did Jesus get in such good shape? Crossfit.
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Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free
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What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.
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Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
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I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.
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I lost my weed in a series of small fires.
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How did they know Princess Diana didn't have dandruff? Because they found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
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My girlfriend told me she was going to get pregnant and if wouldn't do it, she was going to the sperm bank! Boy, I gave her a mouth full!
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Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. So it's like any other day.
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You're a lot like train tracks, you've gotten laid across the county.
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I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
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Before I never used to believe when scientist talk about men evolve from apes But then I met YOU!
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I traded my Wifey for Wi-Fi! I'm now a refurbished Daddyrn@onlylebtim.
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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
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You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
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My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
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The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
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What is a chicken racing driver's favourite part of the car? The Eggs-celerator.
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So Donald Trump walks into a bar and lowers it.
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Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw his gas bills.
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Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose
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Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
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I named my hard drive dat ass so once a month my computer asks if I want toback dat ass up'.
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Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
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Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.
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Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
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I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough.
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Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
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How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?
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Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
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I was going to ask my wife for anal but fuck it.
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It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.
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What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count.
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Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod.
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What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
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Did you hear about the guy who got killed and cut into pieces and stuffed into a zipper bag? His lips were sealed.
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What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence? A santa clause
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And the Lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Scooters and fat girls are both fun to ride. Until your friends see you.
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Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade centre.
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Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa claws!
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A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
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I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff and I want it (:
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Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of you all are like mosquitos, annoying and easy to smash.
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It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
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What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man.
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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.
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Teacher: Can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth? Student: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king!
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Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow.
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I'm starting a new chapter of AA Almost Alcoholics, their motto is, Lets get sober, next week.
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Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Me: And?
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Help! This is my first time cooking for Thanksgiving. The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around!
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Where does a cracker meet his future wife? Family reunion.
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It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.
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You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.
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I think I banged a Chinese celebrity. She kept screaming I'm Wei Tu Yung like I was supposed to know the name.
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What's the difference between Jews and a pizza? It's okay to burn a Jew!
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Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
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Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
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Whats does giving your sister head and light beer have in common? Even though it tastes the same, you still know something is very wrong.
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What is the abbreviation of KFC: Killing Fucking Crackers?
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Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.
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If you're violent but also creative, try paintball.
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My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.
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Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.
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I think it's a real shame that today's young people don't even know why we really celebrate Halloween. None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin.
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Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
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What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A pimp.
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture
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How do you pick up a Jewish chick. With a dust pan.
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Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called Don't Kid Yourself
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What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.
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Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag? A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.