SFBAI/1linejokes huggingface dataset:
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Without ME, it's just AWESO.
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Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.
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Best goal keepers are women : they never let any ball enters
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Just a reminder to all married people: If you have promised your wife or husband that you will love her 24/7, then today is 24/7!
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I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.
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I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife I thought it would be a romantic jester
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Never answer an anonymous letter.
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My other body is in the Photoshop.
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How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.
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Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
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A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
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Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
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My pencil is gone. It's pointless though.
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My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
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Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
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Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
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Do you want to know how I get all these insults? I use something called intelligence.
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Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
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Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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Why does Santa have three gardens? So he canho ho ho'!
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Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Wait until it's born.
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I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
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There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
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The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
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Its girls like u that cause global warming!
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I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.
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It currently feels like we're living in the Days Leading Up To section of the history books.
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What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.
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Hell hath no fury like a mother who sees her child using plates reserved only for guests.
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Although I have to repeat myself several times for my children to listen, I take great comfort knowing that one day nothing will annoy them more than me repeating myself.
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A large group of other people's children is called a Nope.
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People just like to argue. People: No we don't.
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I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.
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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
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When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?
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Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.
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How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck!
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I used to date a girl that reported the weather. We had a very stormy relationship.
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I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
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Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.
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It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter It was raining cats and dogs!
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26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
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Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!
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I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.
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Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
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What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.
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Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
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Why can't Trump go to White house anymore? It's FOR BIDEN.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said WHERE?
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Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
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What do you call someone who is afraid of picnics? A basket case!
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I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
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What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.
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I used to do magic in a Chinese restaurant only problem is an hour later everyone wanted to see it again!
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Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
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You look like a person that would exchange one of your chromosomes for a Big Mac.
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Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love: the poor know that it is money.
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What do call an Irishman sitting by the pool? Paddy O'Furniture.
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Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
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Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
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Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep. In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind.
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I watched a documentary on LSD last night, it really changed my perception.
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What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
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You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with.
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Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
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I feel so tired every time I meet you Why? Because whenever I look into your eyes I can't find the way out.
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I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he hadno body to dance with.
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Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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I screamed at my neighbor, What on earth are you doing on our roof! He screamed back, I saw you at the bar, and you said the drinks were on the house!
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People often ask me if my French jokes are immature wee.
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Men of quality respect women's equality.
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The worst thing about having a ghost in your house is the douchey ghost hunters.
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I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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I hate peer pressure and you should too.
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding. I've been to Amsterdam There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
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I took my relatives kids to the movies it only cost all the money I had for the cookout tomorrow and my rent.
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What did one candle say to the other? Don't birthdays burn you up?
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
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I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.
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I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary? She said, Somewhere I have never been! I told her, How about the kitchen?
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Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because of the lactose.
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Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
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One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
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Take my advice — I'm not using it.
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My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours Well, good friends are hard to find.
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Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.
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Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
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He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
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Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying I have a computer question.
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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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668 – The neighbour of the beast.
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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
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If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
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Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again.
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You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
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I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant.
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When do you congratulate someone on their mistake? On their marriage.
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My mother used to make me walk the plank when I was younger, we couldn't afford a dog.
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Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!
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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try. My fucking goldfish died.
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THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
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Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags.
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Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
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Stress is caused by giving a fuck.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
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Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener? She thought it was diet coke.
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The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
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You're so fat that the only way you can fit your whole body into a photo is to use panorama.
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If my body is a temple than eating pancakes is a form of prayer.
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I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday.
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My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time.
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If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again: it was probably worth it.
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I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
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Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!
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Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up.
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The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
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If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.
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If your parachute won't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
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I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
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Make sure you limit your video game time today, I don't want you to become super violent. Remember, before video games war wasn't a thing.
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I entered 10 puns into a pun contest hoping at least one would win. But no pun in ten did.
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I'm aging like a fine banana.
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Vegetarian: Native American definition for lousy hunter.
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If I had a pound for every woman who called me handsome I'd have a pound. Thanks Grandma.
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Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!
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When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done.
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What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.
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I threw my toaster away because it kept burning my bread. You could say I'm black toast intolerant.
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My parents, age 25: We have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan! Me, age 25: It's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes!
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If breaks are meant to be slow then why do they call it breakfast?
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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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Women who seek to be equal to men LACK AMBITION!
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Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
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What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
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Bugs come in through open Windows.
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A long time ago we had Empires run by Emperors. Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries ..
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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
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What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
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I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
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I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.
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If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
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The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
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What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!
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What do you call a Russian procrastinator? Putinoff.
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What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
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Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
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Girls are like internet domain names the ones I like are already taken.
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Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
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Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
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I always cry at weddings, especially my own.
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Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
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Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive
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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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I finally found a diet plan that works. It's calledThe Cost of Food'.
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What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
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The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
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Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
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What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.
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A life in politics is full of parties.
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How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
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When you're wondering whether she's his daughter or his girlfriend, she's his girlfriend.
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Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
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Maybe adults aren't afraid of monsters under the bed anymore because we know that if we get eaten by one we won't have to go to work the next day.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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Coldplay is like depression you can hear.
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Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed lunch order to launch order.
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Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
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Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.
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A man to a woman, Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it.
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My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
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We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
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I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
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What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming!
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How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
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Being in a relationship is like riding a bike, but the bike is on fire and everything around you is on fire because you're in hell.
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I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!
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How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!
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Q: Why do manly ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them!
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What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
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What did one ghost say to another ghost? Do you believe in people?
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That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
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Women should not have children after 35. Really 35 children are enough.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
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Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard.
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Nurse: We need a stool sample and a urine sample. Man to wife: What did she say? Wife to husband: They want your underwear.
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On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
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The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
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My IQ came back negative.
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Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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I would make a joke about Shrek, but they are too ogre-used.
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I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.
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There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
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I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long.
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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
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I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
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I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
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An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain.
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Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one.
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What dog can't bark? A hot dog.
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How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.
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Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
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What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE!
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Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
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If you want to hide your face, go out naked.
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There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home
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A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, Oh alright, I'll stay the night.
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How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.
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To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.
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Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing.
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Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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If zombies are attacking you, just invite them to a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of a party!
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An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!
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He's so far in the closet, he can see Narnia.
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Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love.
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Why do field hockey players never sweat? They have too many fans!
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?
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Did you get a bowl of soup with that haircut?
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What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
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What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
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I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
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What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!
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How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
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Someone said you sounded like an owl. Who?
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If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis
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Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
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Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net.
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A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
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Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
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How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.
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Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
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What do you call a mountain where people never sleep? Mt Neverest.
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What kind of fish can't swim? A dead one.
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I know I'm getting old the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.
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Neil Armstrong's only regret while he was alive was that he forgot to take a selfie on the moon.
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Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
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Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: Put on two coats.
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The founders of Foursquare came up with the name of the company when using off-brand toilet paper.
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I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
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The new iPhone X has facial recognition. Some of you all ladies are gonna be locked out after you wash your face off.
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Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
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What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!
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Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?
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What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
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Happy Mother's Day! Yes, it's today. How fast can you glue macaroni into a bracelet?
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The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
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If you cross an owl and a rooster, do you get a cock that stays up all night?
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I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
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My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her.
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Why did the volleyball players go to the library for practice? The coach told them they'll be doing some reading today.
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.
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The real rich is the one who can enjoy from the cheapest things.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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I've been saying mucho to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately. It means a lot to him.
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I bought the smallest Fitbit they've got because I wanna get fit but just a little bit.