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Activity Relations INFj and ISTp by Stratiyevskaya
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Relations in this dyad are similar to activity relations of Gamma introverts in that they occur between two introverted, constructivist types; however, unlike the Gamma example these relations are between two positivists. That is, both people are expecting only the best from each other, and each wants to offer his help and be of good service. SLI is quite impressed by EII’s kindness, tact, and gentleness. Well-wishing, accommodating, and optimistically oriented SLI also initially makes a favorable impression on his activity partner. Relationship takes a very positive turn if the goals and objectives of both partners coincide. They may find themselves to be quite worthy of each other and soon legalize their union, since both of them are strategic types that strive to reach their desired goals quickly. Their mutual positivism prevents them from spending much time imagining and contemplating possible pitfalls, negative outcomes, and potential deterioration of relations.
Nevertheless, over the course of time this is what happens. SLI begins to move away from EII, to “escape”. This occurs for several reasons:
SLI feels most comfortable in a relationship where there is some distance, while EII strives to keep very short interpersonal distances, from which he tries not to retreat and “lose ground”. Over time, EII’s emotionality increases, which begins to annoy the SLI, because he is oriented at flexible, manipulative emotional influence of his dual IEE. It is imperative for SLI that his partner is able to emotionally adjust to him and manipulate the interpersonal distance, but EII cannot manipulate and adjust their distance by using his emotions, since EII’s aspect of “ethics of emotions” is in inert position. Instead, the EII is oriented to “constantly approach”, all the time shortening the distance between him and another person. Thus SLI has no choice but to create this distance himself. This he accomplishes by either moving away from his “activity” partner or by showing deliberate indifference to his feelings and needs.
Gabin is not only slipping away from his partner - he seems to be “slipping” out of the situation, going out of the relationship, and, as any irrational type, he does so spontaneously and unpredictably. For example, on the aspect of “intuition of time” he can suddenly cancel a date or without any warning disappear for a few weeks. Meanwhile, Dostoevsky, who is subconsciously oriented at the exactness and meticulousness of his dual LSE, is shocked by such lack of tact. He starts thinking about possible reasons, attempting to understand such behavior of his partner, and uses every opportunity to sort out relations with his activator.
An example: A female student of type EII in anticipation of her friend SLI cleans her apartment, dresses up herself, and waits for his call. Late in the evening, when her mood has been already ruined, he finally calls and without further explanations says that he will not be able to meet her today. The girl is feels upset by this turn of events. She persuades him to change his decision and promises to wait. As a rational type, she is already set on having this date and prefers to not change this course of events. Moreover, as a strongly ethically oriented type, she realizes that this man does not value her feelings and her disposition, but she strongly wishes to save the relationship. She first attempts to softly and gently persuade him to reconsider, which he, of course, does not. Then she tries to find out the true reason behind him not wishing to come over, but he doesn’t know himself - he simply feels that he does not want to come and see her today, that is all. She is now offended and voices her accusations and reprimands, which are followed by demonstrative alienation. Now this he tries to prevent, and upon seeing that he is losing her he says: “okay, wait, I will come over,” and arrives in the morning.
So why did the date fall through? First of all, here we have a mismatch in behavior based on aspects of rationality and irrationality. Each of these activity partners is “programmed” for his or her own “script” of how relations should develop. While Dostoevsky as any rational type is set at sequential development of events, Gabin as any irrational has to lead his partner through an entire “maze” of relations that is full of all sorts of tricks, tests, and tangles. Only someone possessing very strong intuition would be able to see behind all this jumble of inconsistent actions of a very definitive strategy.
Therefore, here, as in any activation dyad, there is some displacement and readjustment of dominant priorities: attempting to predict the behavior Gabin, Dostoevsky has to put more emphasis on his creative function Ne, “intuition of opportunities”. His leading function of “ethics of relations” begins to fade into the background for two reasons: EII notices that SLI is very sensitive to any ethical analysis and sorting out of relations, and, in addition, over time, EII becomes more sure that his partner is loyal and dedicated, but not too obligated to fulfill his promises - and this fact makes the EII rely even more on his intuition - that is, attempt to act more flexibly and spontaneously i.e. irrationally.
Thus, EII begins to take on the subtype of IEE. Still, here are a couple of questions: How well can he take on this subtype? How will this development affect his actions and his behavior? How will this mend his relationship with SLI?
The answer to these questions is well illustrated by an example of a married couple who had lived in such activity union for over sixty years. Here the woman is of type EII and the man is of type SLI. They met, became friends and fell in love while they were still in early adolescence. They spent time together in a company of mutual friends and very quickly started feeling pulled towards each other. Very soon everyone was thinking of them as the “bride” and the “groom”, although the “bride” was still a girl and related to her “groom” as an elder brother (since both of them grew up without parents and were left to themselves). They married right after the revolution - he had just served in the army, and during that time she has grown up.
Then began a new war, in which he was also involved, and a new life full of stormy events. He has participated in all these social events and led a very active and involved life of an extrovert, fighting, expropriating, revolutionizing, but rarely spending any time back home. In peaceful times he appeared at home infrequently and even then only to eat and to sleep. Even on weekends and holidays there were some urgent matter that required his presence. His wife and children referred to this with understanding. They got used to this and took for granted - such were the times. Thus, in his family, he gradually assumed the role of a lodger - peaceful, quiet, calm - very comfortable and convenient.
Of course, they have spent some time together - each sitting in his own corner, occupied by his own matters. They never went anywhere together. “Holiday atmosphere” of their relationship has remained in the distant past, in memories of their early youth, in the pre-wedding season. So it happened that each of them “activated” on their own - she took on the household chores, he took on participation in social and public life.
The question is: where are activity relations within this relationship? They were present here all the time, but only at a large distance, or to be more precise, at the optimal distance for her SLI husband, who has tried to maintain this distance throughout their lives.
By the time of his retirement, he was a member of many community organizations (the member of the “street committee”, chairman “of the neighborhood committee,” and so on), such that again he spent very little time at home. When he came over he did it only to immediately leave, as would be expected from a “classical” Gabin.
And even then, when he grew too old to be engaged in all this social work, he, nevertheless, constantly found ways to “slip away” from home, if only just to wander about. For example, he would take a bag and supposedly go to the market. This particularly upset his EII wife: how can he go to the market without taking the money and without even asking her what he should purchase? She would catch him already by the fence and try to return him back to the house, or at least find out where he is really going. These conversations happened in raised tones, and he would try to quickly “escape” without hearing all of it out.
And what about his EII wife? Even though she was the sweetest and kindest woman, over time, her character has become spoiled. She started to harass the members of her household with hysterics and temper tantrums, which intensified every time that her husband left to take care of some seemingly trifling errands. SLI doesn’t simply leave. First, he starts physically turning away from the person, thus cutting him off from communication, and then he leaves not looking back, being absorbed in his own very closed off world.
She never learned how to manipulate with her emotions. Thus, to exert some influence on him, she had to “wind herself up” to the maximum. There was only one method that had any effect on him: she would jump up to the level of his face, as she was short by height, and scream while swinging her fists at him - otherwise he simply didn’t pay attention to her. The more she spoke and the more she raised her voice - the more calm and unruffled he seemed. This is a typical “complex” of Gabin that has its origins at his problematic “ethics of emotions”. To her hysterics and tantrums he also referred calmly and attributed them to their age and poor health.
His alienation and coldness have caused her immense emotional pain. She always felt that he was slipping away from her, as if he tried to elude their whole life together - but she couldn’t do anything about it.
The last time he “escaped” six months before his death, when he could no longer recognize her. She lived another eleven years, and all these years she regretted and lamented that he once against has left her alone, but recalled the life that they have lived together in positive tones as happy and successful. Now they are together …