Conflict observations
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Contents
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Related discussions
2
IEI-LSE
3
ESI-ILE
4
EII-SLE
Related discussions
Stages of Conflict
Some conflict relations are better than others?
What do you dislike about your conflictor?
Positive experiences with your conflictor
Feelings of distrust between conflictors
Are conflict relationships impossible to fix?
Ethical types in Conflict Relations
Functional break-down: Conflict Relations
Conflict Relations Marriages
Advice for Conflict Marriage
IEI-LSE
ILI-ESE
LSI-IEE
LII-SEE
ESI-ILE
LIE conflicted over lack of conflict with conflictor
IEI-LSE
Para (IEI):
After 10 years of marriage, we have gotten divorced, which was 5 years ago. My ex-husband's TIM is LSE, Stirlitz - my conflictor. I won't try to re-tell of my hurts and suffering in this marriage with socionics humor - this would be offensive and unfair towards both of us. But, since we have two children between us, we have to communicate even after the divorce. I have returned back to Socionics and tried applying it in practice. And you know - it worked! (for our situation that is: we interact briefly and infrequently). My certainty that my LSE ex-husband is a rare kind of a reptile and the last bastard - was shaken. At the last custody meeting he was trying to sort things out telling me the following: "We haven't finished discussing one question, and you already jumped to a second difficult one. What kind of manner is this?"  For the first time I have tried to look "behind" his words (that were familiar to me like a 10-year stomach ulcer), and sympathized with how he must have suffered with me for the past 10 years and the 5 years after our separation. This conversation was concurrent with my return to Socionics. Now, I am much more calm and tolerant of his boring tediousness. I patiently repeat things several times for him, for example, what we are going to do with kids this Sunday; at the same time I try to talk slowly (though this way my own thinking slows down greatly), and provide for him precise information in written form. Any kind of agreements I voice out loud for him, write them down, and then later refer to them if he has any questions. The hardest part so far has been scheduling visitation dates. He has been late to the visits for over an hour many times - I've understood that it's best to not wait in expectation, but meanwhile do something positive for my kids and myself. I tell our children to not ask: "When will our dad be here?" When he finally comes, it turns into a pleasant surprise for them - and an unpleasant one for me. Unfortunately, it's not possible to adapt to some things ...
As an example of how his interests get ignored: Problems and issues that arise suddenly, and require an immediate resolution, are almost impossible to resolve with him  quickly - I've stopped wishing for this. In such cases, what he requires is a lengthy period of verbal verifications, checks, and agreements. Thus, such urgent issues as purchasing bicycles for out kids for the summer that is coming in a few weeks I have to solve myself - then later receive a verbal "smack" from him: "Why wasn't I consulted? I know bicycle models that are cheaper and of better quality." In such situations, it is easier to me to act first, then get reprimanded by him later, than to go through these tedious periods of back-and-forth verification. Since my LSE ex-husband was sure I wouldn't survive on my own due to my impracticality (and it is true!!! I now need to receive external financial support), sometimes I arrange for him a "session of psychological relief": for example, for a long time and thoroughly I talk with him to receive his advice on how to buy a backpack - I call him, call him back, verify with him, verify with him again, whether the zippers are of "good quality" - I do this in cases when it's not difficult for me to do so, and at the same time it is pleasant for him to participate - and, after 2-6 months of discussions, we have excellent backpacks in our apartment! Next, I hope to share Socionics literature to him, such that he would stop suspecting me of sadism, and such that we could arrive at certain agreements for our painful functions.
ESI-ILE
Surik (IEI):
From far distance, ILEs may mistake ESIs for their duals, since both are introverted types with strong ethics and sensing. However, the ESI doesn't apply her ethics in the same way as does the SEI. The SEI manages ILE's ethics by directing the conversation, changing its course if needed, and influencing ILE's own internal states. The ESI instead tries to correct the ILE, pull him back, point to his mistakes. However, being a rather creative type the ILE is intolerant of any kinds of restrictions, limitations, and headstrong pressure. The ILE responds to ESI's directives with a protest, and this further worsens their relations. The SEI listens to ILE's advice, while for the ESI, due to this type's rationality, it seems like the ILE is pulling her towards undertaking something rash and risky. In this manner ILE's advice makes the ESI feel even more distrustful and hold herself back, and this only further reminds the ESI of her own vulnerabilities.
Litus (ILI):
I have before my eyes such couple, ESI wife and her ILE husband. They are very different. It must be difficult for them: each behaves as if the other must guess their needs, desires, and phobias. Sometimes they fight, even wanted to divorce ... but are still together. Maybe because of the children. He is a real intellectual turbogenerator. She is a realist and a romantic with a winged heart. He's always involved in new ideas and projects, reads a book a day, loves being in warm and loud company of friends, who in turn love and appreciate him. Thus, he's always occupied by something. She pulls everything on her shoulders - it must be said that ESI's capacity for doing work and for self-sacrifice are admirable. But what is notable of her, is that with all ESI's desire and ability to keep the house in order, she poorly tolerates it when she is driven to cooking pans and laundry - especially with hints and examples of the type: "So-and-so colleague's wife is a such a great cook. She baked a wonderful cake that he shared at work today." Occasionally, her ILE husband takes up domestic tasks and chores with great enthusiasm. He reads through a lot of literature, consults with specialists, starts on some task and then abandons it in the middle. The ESI is shocked. To this day this surprises her. In a company of friends she doesn't feel at ease with him: he sparks a conversation, becomes absorbed, while she spends the whole evening without attention as if she doesn't exist. The ILE is surprised by this - if she got tired of listening to a conversation about networks she could have went and made a salad. In addition, in a company the ILE can make many promises without noticing. The ESI, with her exaggerated sense of responsibility, feels maddened by this: he promised - but he didn't do! The ILE doesn't understand: to whom, where, and how he has made any promises. All he said is that he has such opportunity - but this is a very different matter! The ESI begins to explain why he shouldn't do this, fails to convince him, tries to pressure him - as a result another fight. What else is noticeable to me as an outside observer? The ILE needs to be taken care of - but he takes all care for granted - which annoys his ESI wife. If she likes a person, she knows what that person needs - but to be always cooing around her husband is probably not for ESI. There are also disagreements over children. The ESI is a loving parent, but also strict and fair. Her children are provided for with everything, but she doesn't tolerate laziness, capriciousness, self-indulgence, cruelty, and nips such attitudes at their bud. The ILE seemingly agrees, but sees all of this from another side. It often happens that the father is good, while the mother - not so good. With father it is interesting, fun, and entertaining - while the mother demands, forces to do homework and chores, to keep the room clean. Fortunately, the ILE easily forgives and becomes cheerful again, while the ESI has an incredible supply of strength, stamina, and patience. Both of them have a developed sense of duty towards their children, thus they continue to live together and compromise.
Emerald (ILE):
From Stratiyevskaya's description of these conflict relations, a lot has overlapped my relationship with my ex (a fairly obvious ESI). He was always hectoring me that I lack in self-control, that I'm not understanding of people, and that I don't wish to change, and that I have to act "ethically" towards him i.e. politely and adequately, as "normal people" act. The most important thing for him were his principles, that never changed from any influence, even though he would end up tormenting himself and others - because he is a saint with a halo, the Only Person, and others are rabble, and let them live as they wish since they are "like that". I've also tried to improve his self-esteem, show him chances for changing his life for the better, invent new ways for him, show him ways out of his difficulties, compliment him, and it was all true - that he is so good-looking, that he is such a good person, and so on. But still he didn't want to get out of his swamp. My temper found no understanding with him, neither did he spare my nerves, and considered me to be almost the most insufferable creature in all his life. We even broke up on the ground of "opportunities" - in brief, I organized a trip for him. He was in doubt about this trip. He told me that in his heart he dreamed of going but was too afraid that nothing good will come out of the venture. So I took the matters in my own hands and arranged everything for him - I pushed him towards his dream. Because he told me this was his dream, I thought he will appreciate this ... but he stunned me with his reaction. First, he became hysterical and started to accuse me that I'm impossible, that every time I throw something new not taking him into consideration, and that I don't wish to change. I was most surprised when I heard him say: "You paved the road yourself - now you're the only one responsible for whatever comes out of this." I thought it was unmanly for him to try to shift responsibility for his future actions instead of being happy that his dream was coming true.
Adam (ILE):
At work I have a colleague - he is the head of the prepress department, by TIM - ESI. We're conflictors in Socionics ... hell, I could already feel this from the first day of work. To my deep regret, we have to work very closely, or rather, I pass on project assignments to him and receive already finished layouts. Frictions started from the very beginning - he seemed to be a total bore, who's always finds faults with minor things and is only looking for excuses to quarrel, and that he doesn't understand very simple things and will ask such stupid questions. At the same time, I saw that he was a specialist in his field, and his amazing attentiveness to specifics (introverted sensing type, after all) has saved me on many occasions. But after every meeting, I would leave the room steaming with frustration and anger. I couldn't understand what exactly irritated him, and wrote it off to him having a difficult personality. For three years I've agonized like this. A year ago I started studying Socionics, and, naturally, started typing everyone I knew. When the turn came to him - damn, he's an ESI, a typical one - everything fits! So where does all the friction come from? Simple: when I explain things to him in my usual ILE manner, skipping some seemingly obvious things and saving a lot for the later saying "We'll see how it goes" all of this hits his "vulnerable" function. Next, I thought: what can be done about this? what is his suggestive function? It's "logic of actions", Te. Ok, even though this is my subconscious function, lets try something different. At the next meeting, for which I carefully prepared, I turned into a tedious bore myself. I went through every little detail, describing it, while slowing down the rate of my speech 2-3 times for my ESI colleague (from my end, this felt like a perversion of some kind). Eventually, I notice a satisfied expression on his face, and even some kind of tranquility there. Wow! I finished my speech, he graciously shook his head, from which I understood that I have finally found the least painful way of transferring information to him. From that time on, I prepare for each meeting as if I'm studying for an exam.
One more small thing to mention - hurrying him up is useless. I mean volitionally pressuring him. He would simply "clash his horns" with you, even start shouting (volitional extraverted sensing), and from there nothing could be done. Ok, l have tried a different approach. Now, with a serious expression on my face, I tell him: "All hopes rest on you now. The client has asked the layout to be finished by 3:00pm tomorrow. Please pay special attention to this project. Thank you in advance." Of course, me may mutter something critical about the client, but this doesn't concern me - I leave with a clear conscience and with certainty that he will do everything possible to make it on time. This is all.
Lytov:
I can give brief recommendations for ILEs on how to get along with ESIs. ESI is a sensing type and judges people by "appearance" i.e. the externals. To calm the ESI, create a stable reputation, your own "legend", and periodically demonstrate its success. For example: "I know how to do this-and-this. I consider this to be my calling and I achieve significant success at what I do." Success, attainment of some concrete results - are the most important criteria for the ESI and their suggestive function. However, if the ESI doesn't see any tangible results coming out of your activities, then he or she will start feeling nervous. Thus create an image of a successful person pursuing some tangible goal. Don't try to explain everything to ESIs with introverted logic. They react to it as negatively as Ne types react to any sensory impositions and pressuring. ESIs absorb logic in moderate amounts, in form of explanations of "how it works". Regarding everything else, the ESI reacts to a person positively if he or she a) acts predictably for the ESI b) is so influential, that he can himself direct this predictability, or at least create and impression that everything is under control, and share a part of this predictable world with the ESI. That's it. So what's so difficult here? The difficulty here is that an ILE possesses a large amount of knowledge, several times higher than what an ILE is actually able to control. This leads to conflicts only at very short personal distances. Most usually, the ESI watches the ILE from afar and thinks to him or herself: "Just as I thought - he's a windbag", and doesn't move any closer than this. The ESI may casually talk with the ILE, exchange some jokes and anecdotes, but won't get any more serious.
In a professional sense within a closed group, the goals of ILE and ESI are sufficiently different. The ESI doesn't hesitate to openly talk about why such-and-such "tasty" project was given to someone else and not to the ESI. The worst the ILE can say here (which he usually does) is to say something akin "it was done in all fairness" or "for everyone equal treatment". The ESI has a completely different sense of what is fair - if he has invested the efforts, there should be some benefit, some positive result. If this is what he sees happening around him, the ESI will be a good worker. If the ESI sees that people who are "less deserving" in his eyes are getting promoted - he will actively oppose this, if he has powers - then formally, if he doesn't have powers - then informally, through private conversations i.e. try to prepare the ground, because sooner or later the balance of power may change. The ILE thinking about the project can completely forget about personnel and relations - the ESI never forgets this.
Artebast (ILE):
I'm very familiar with only one person of type ESI - that is my mother. I won't describe our relationship here, as relations mother-daughter are responsible for a large share of our relational complexities rather than our Socionics TIMs. On the whole, for the ILE having an ESI mother is not the worst situation - there is some support over weak functions, plus ESIs are usually caring people, such that I didn't feel lacking in love and care as a child. Now we have a rather smooth relationship, but at a large distance. There is no question, of course, about any kind of personal understanding and closeness. There is my attitude "mother cannot be abandoned" and respect - this is how we keep together.
As a distance, ESIs make a good impression. These are people who seem to be "as is needed and appropriate", that is, they evoke the thought "this is how a woman or a man should be". Everything in their life is conducted correctly, with integrity, and without excess. They are just the right measure sociable, and just the right measure beautiful. In past, I've had several opportunities to begin relationships with ESIs, but due to painful Fi and a sense of psychological discomfort I soon feel that I cannot open up with this person - that I won't be accepted as I am, that we're on "different frequencies". Communication with ESI is full of small talk - there is a list of acceptable conversation topics, and as soon as you step a little bit beyond this, the other is shocked: "what is he/she talking about?!" Thus, our communication turns out to be empty.
I have also worked with a few ESIs - as teachers, scientific director, and the head of our department. In all cases I did all the work myself, after specifying with the ESI what result is needed, which in itself is not easy because they are not keen on explaining anything. Here, the main thing is to not talk about the process of how you're working, but to show ESI the result. And again - keep all communication on formal level.
A few words for why ILEs shouldn't try to build serious relations with ESIs:
If living together, the element of surprise is completely lost from ILE's life. Arranging pleasant surprises for the ESI doesn't work - she gets scared, and even if she liked the surprise the first reaction is such that there is no wish to ever surprise her again. If the ILE wants to travel with or without the ESI to some new place, a huge amount of time is spent on explaining that "it's not dangerous". Any initiative is extinguished by a frightened look: "why do you need this?" This is a disaster for irrational ILE for whom life consists of finding good chances and opportunities and opening new horizons. Turning his own life into a swamp, even if a stable one, is not an option.
Cheerfulness. There is a feeling that ESIs are afraid to enjoy life. They think that once they relax even a little and show some weakness, the villain-fate will immediately trip them over. "Everything is too good - expect trouble." ESIs prefer to be always alert and apprehensive about something. As a result, it never happens that the ESI is fully satisfied; he/she will always point out some negative - as a "preventative measure".
How ESIs like to pose themselves as victims is entirely another story. This goes according to the principle: "I will suffer in silence for now, but when it becomes unbearable I will tell him everything - let him feel guilty!" This results in something akin to "You're entertaining yourself here - and I've been sick for a week!" Their partner had to guess. While all these various kind of sufferings aren't needed in Alpha quadra (and it would be interesting to know who needs them!) And if the ESI is enjoying herself, it's often done quietly, to herself. This makes the ILE doubt whether he or she is needed at all. The ILE expresses these doubts out loud - and receives a lecture about sense of duty. It turns out we were living together not because we "wanted" this, but because "it is necessary". Wonderful.
And another point. With ESI's involvement, ILE's circle of friends starts to rapidly shrink, because the ESI carefully filters out "wrong kind" of friends. But the ILE is not the LIE, and is capable of filtering people himself. The ILE has to strain over ethical functions to establish new friendships - here the ESI is of no help, as she filters out people, but doesn't introduce anyone new in their place - usually her own circle of friends is very small. The ILE instead needs someone who would find contacts for him. Here again we have a swamp.
In general, these two types can have good casual friendly relations. They could even be good colleagues and work together given some effort from the ILE, but starting a family together categorically should not be considered, imho. For casual friendships TIM is not very important, thus "conflictors" may socialize in the same circle of people. The problem is that neither is oriented at expansion of their social circle (or rather, ESI isn't oriented at this - while ILE doesn't know how). I, for example, can meet up with people whom I barely know and go out to some cafe. The ESI meets this with hostility: "Why are you wasting your time on him? Who is he to you?" And also tries to figure out how a person is useful. If it turns out that with nothing, ESI's disturbance has no limit. The ESI needs tight, trusting relationships within a narrow circle of people, and no spreading out. While I don't understand what the problem is - for me, this feeds my Fe, and it's interesting to learn how other people live. What for ILE is only a conversation, for the ESI is already "a relationship" that needs to be carefully evaluated and built.
Alen (SLI):
I know a mother and daughter of types ESI and ILE, respectively. They fight almost every evening right before my eyes. The mother tries to push through - the daughter resists and clashes with her. To her mother's shouting she responds by becoming even more stubborn. The mother accuses her of not being loving, which in daughter evokes a strange kind of obstinacy. Yet, the ESI doesn't make any compliments herself, only carps and criticizes her. For example, the daughter isn't doing something that she doesn't want to do. For the ESI it's not important. It has to be done, therefore do it. There are no objective reasons to do what the ESI asks - both ILE and I (SLI) see this. But the ESI has her own rules and any violations are strictly punished. ESI starts to push for it. ILE resists. I explain to the ILE that she should try to compromise and do what her mother asks her to do. She agrees and meets ESI's demands. And guess what happens? Instead of quietly taking a step forward, praising her, giving some positive feedback, the ESI starts to reprimand her ILE daughter again, that she hasn't listened to her the first time and done it sooner. Conflict restarts. The ESI simply doesn't understand how she is messing up; she presses her own model of life and doesn't move an inch.
Ivan (ILE):
ESI - is pure evil. The essence of all nine circles of hell. Every word infuriates and every look incinerates. To sleep, eat, shit, screw with someone else's mind, and get more and more money - this is ESI's life. "I have lived my life and will live out yours" - this is the philosophy of Dreiser. The tale of "The Fisherman and the Golden Fish" is the most accurate description of this type; however much money you give them - it's never enough. They should be sent to inhabit a separate planet along with LIEs. My type is ILE, but thanks to my ESI mother, I've become more alike an LII. Because the only way to live next to Dreiser is to become a robot. And even then, you'll get billed for electricity and oil. ESI's overprotection is worse than getting no care at all. From my ESI mother I often hear: "Where have you been? Why did you come home so late? You're out entertaining yourself, while I'm sitting here, worrying." Next to ESIs people don't live - they merely exist on ESI's conditions. Until 15-16 years of age this is fine, but later such questions begin to infuriate. And to call ESIs "sweet and caring," despite the fact that ESIs are "aggressors", is stupid. I would have nicknamed this type not "The Guardian" but "The Inquisitor" ...
The ILE is sent to get education where his ESI mother wants him to go - after all, the mother knows better what her children need than the children know themselves. Of course, every child dreams of working at a factory until the end of his life and supporting his parents on a meager wage. A person with IQ near 130 - for certain! "What did you think? Everyone lives like this! Everyone!" therefore you should go and get a job "like everyone else". This "like everyone else" has followed me for the rest of my life. If you protest such treatment, there is always the response: "But I do so much for you, try hard and work so much!" No, you don't do it for us - you do it for yourself. The ESI thinks that she is doing something for others, but instead she is acting out of sheer selfishness and only pretends to help others. You cannot do something for the good of the person, without asking his or her opinion on the matter. With ESI - you just get put before the fact. Now only try doing something wrong - the reproaches and the piercing-black trampling reprimanding gaze will pursue you for weeks. This is not including the scandals and hysterics.
The ESI thinks that I am a 100% slacker who spends entire day on the internet, when men should spend 18 hours at work every day and come back home only to catch some sleep - this is her logic. A couple times I have tried to follow her advice and apply where she suggested. Twice the offer turned out to be a hoax, since she cannot distinguish a real job offer from a rip-off. Though her dual Jack, however, will take up such junk. When I got a job, the conditions were horrible. All of my attempts to change something were in vain. Things got to regular nosebleeds and headaches, not to mention frequent injuries due to my natural absent-mindedness. But this doesn't worry the ESI - "You've finally found a normal job - now don't even think about quitting!" All of my attempts to explain our differences to her with the aid of Socionics are met with: "Again, you're pestering me with this nonsense?" She doesn't understand that people have other values ​​in life, and that not everyone lives on her templates and stereotype. To me it seems that she doesn't understand anything - and doesn't want to understand. My results and achievements in life would have been much greater without her control and her attempts to instill her views into me. I wanted to study computer science, but she told me: "You just want to sit in front of your computer your whole life! Go and learn how to build rockets to get a job at the local military factory, and you'll turn out into a normal person." Sometimes I want to curse, but hold myself back - she's my mother after all. Moving out is an impossibility at this point, thus I live with her as if in a high-security prison. Only ILI and LIE are able to live with an ESI - the former has no will, the later lives at work. The funny thing is that at age 21, I already had a "midlife crisis". It seemed to me that I'm already at least 35 years old, and I was greatly upset because of all of the missed opportunities. Indeed, there was a great number of these. I could have studied not in a secondary school, but in a specialized school with deepened subjects of mathematics or physics. Then go into science, and by age 22 already have a degree and do research. But no, "live like normal people" they said. Work at stupid jobs, drink beer, buy a car, like your father - why the hell do I need a car if I'm still bumping into furniture (scateredness is a constant companion of an intuitive type).
Dreiser is an "introverted Caesar". If she considers some space to be "her territory" then everyone who lives in it have to live by her rules and regulations, whether they like it or not. In the type descriptions it clearly says: "[ESIs] don't adapt themselves to people, but impose their own line of conduct". In other words, they don't at all consider someone else's opinion, and there is no sense in trying to argue or to challenge them. I can tell you with 100% confidence that at least 60% of the Criminal Code was created for people like LIE (another 25% for SLEs) by people like Dreiser. For most people the "10 Commandments" are enough to live their lives, but not for Jacks and Dreisers. The Alpha quadra has a developed sense of justice (it is justice, not miserly selfish rules of Dreiser). Beta over-bends the stick somewhat, but even SLEs with their temper don't deliberately cause discomfort to other people. Delta - is the most "correct" responsible quadra. Gamma is quadra of charlatans (Jack) and dictators (Dreiser). About SEEs and ILIs I won't even continue. Studying Socionics and making personal observations, most people who come to dislike LIEs dislike them for their unscrupulousness. While ESIs go unnoticed - they sit at home more, and dictate only on their territory. LIE and ESI is that rare case when minus plus minus becomes a plus. Most often the couples ESI-LIE are perceived as "policeman-scoundrel" rather than "wife and husband".
Her health is always getting worse, and I'm always to blame. I am to blame that I don't do as she wishes, I am to blame that she worries (even though I'm not 10 any more), I am to blame that my father is SEE (mirror types have regular quarrels). Her response is always the same: her son sucks, her husband is awful - she's so great but unappreciated, and without her we'll die of hunger within a week (most importantly!). Sometimes I wish I was never born. I just want to cross them out of my life, become that bastard child who has abandoned his parents. In this sense I envy LIEs - they can do this, I cannot. In these relations, the worst thing is that it's impossible to get any help and support, quite the reverse. This suppresses even more. Instead of heading towards your goals, the road to which is already very difficult, you also have a heavy weight strapped to you. This is like moving through a swamp carrying something heavy and useless on your shoulders. You can't throw it away, and the path is very long. It destroys your morale. Very often I go through periods of depression.
EII-SLE
Delling (SLE):
In my deep opinion, there is no beast more scary than an EII. So masterfully he rolls over the role and vulnerable functions and forces the SLE to feel him/herself a callous, heartless tyrant, unworthy of any warm feelings, that it is not rivaled by any other type. I have extensive experience with a relationship of this type, and can say that nothing good came out of this. At first, all is well: the EII seems to be a gentle, quivering flower that you want to preserve and protect against the harshness of life. He is smart, polite, inclined to converse about his philosophical views with a touching smile. But once we got into a relationship, our differences have started to surface:
Differences in values. The EII is attracted by tales of Personhood and Harmony (with a capital letter), without which "not a single decision can be made that would be true to the end". In EII's framework of timeless search for this, he/she will sit around and with fervor dig into his own personality and personalities of other people, at times persisting with personal questions. The SLE doesn't understand this. This desire for all-conquering Personal Wisdom and Harmony doesn't involve or touch me. I like setting goals before myself and achieving them - struggling, overcoming difficulties, overcoming my own complexes, winning over the circumstances, rather than sitting around and meditating. To the EII all of these strivings seem too simple, too primitive and crude.
The lead function of one is the painful function of the other. I'll give a few examples. One evening I was walking with an EII through a dark park. Some jerk jumped us, and following my immediate impulses I drove him away. Turning to my EII, pleased with the outcome, I wait for some positive evaluation of what just occured. The EII looks at me reproachfully and says: "You are full of such hatred ..." What the hell? ... Another example. The EII is sitting at home without work for several months. I'm beginning to feel annoyed by this, so I try to make him go to job interviews, search for some vacancies, in brief - to not sit around but find something to do. For me, any action, even if erroneous, is better than inaction. Our conversation goes like this: Me:
Why are you sitting in front of your computer and not doing anything?
Him:
Sitting in front of my computer doesn't mean that I'm not going anything and not making any decisions!
To hell with making decisions from morning to night - what is needed is implementing and realizing them! For me, with my role Ne, the situation is simpler: I don't see as many different ways of going about something as does the EII, so it's easier for me to choose and move to action. All of EII's endless doubts and discussions about which way to proceed feel annoying to the SLE.
Jealousy. There is no way around it. Hanging out with female friends and letting them take him out to cafes and restaurants is a regular occurrence for the EII. I don't consider regularly treating someone in cafes and restaurants to be "just friendship" - no woman would do this. The EII would respond by accusing me of paranoia, while I would tell him that he's chasing two girl-hares at the same time.
The struggle for dominance in a relationship. My request to the EII: "
If you want to be the leader - prove it, prove that you're stronger than me!
" EII's response: "
I'm not obligated to prove anything - I am the leader because I am the man in this relationship!
" Perhaps this comes from different interpretations of "aristocratic" trait in quadra: in Beta leadership is actively achieved and demonstrated, while in Delta it is destined by a particular rule: birth-right, belonging to something or other, etc.
Differences in how we handle problems. Se doesn't adapt and attempt to talk around the problem - it handles and resolves the problem head on. If a person prefers to ignore, withdraw, or drown it in endless discussion, the Beta "quadral complex" gets turned on: "How is it that you're backing down?? Who are you after this?!" I'm simplifying of course, but such is Se that when it sees a mountain - it climbs it, instead of going around or talking about it at length. Which option is best - I honestly don't know. Each has his or her own truth.
Various kinds of misunderstandings. I like Se-humor, while for the EII it seems too crude. To him I seem too serious, and that I get too worked up over various insignificant things. He talks a lot about appreciation and kindness towards other people, and duty before them, while I mostly feel indifference towards people who are strangers to me. For appreciation, I have people who are close and dear to me. I value achieving much in this life. The EII lacks in ambition. There are many more things I could mention here.
In summary: SLE and EII are personages from different stories. For me the relationship of conflict turned into something that takes away enormous amount of strength, energy, time, and nerves and in place leaves only a feeling of tiredness. I would have given prizes to LSEs for their endurance - how do they manage to tolerate such duals? Personable, cute, intelligent, supportive and articulate - but slowly sucking your strengths out of you, while wrapping it all into a neat and likable package of white ethics and black intuition.
Kansas (EIE):
My SLE boyfriend has talked a lot about his 2-year relationship with a girl of type EII. Everything was well at the start, but now he remembers their relationship almost shuddering, as if from a toothache, and can't stand to look at her pictures. He said: "All we did was fight, and when we fought, we fought hard." It came to physical altercations. Because when SLE is angered it's best not to approach him, while she would provoke him even further, go into hysterics, start crying, and when SLE sees a weak victim, he squeezes the person even harder until this person is completely crushed morally. After all this, the EII forgave him everything and still loves him. She still writes him, even after their break-up, says that she wants to be with him, sends him tender words for his birthday. (So devoted are EIIs, no matter what is done to them.) But all this devotion and forgiveness the SLE sees as a weakness of character, due to which he would often tell her that she is "incapable of anything adulator that allows others to do with her anything they want". He is a gentle man (around me at least), but this EII drove him into a fury. About her he would say "she's not a person at all", and when I asked him to explain what he means by this, he said that she is always up in the clouds, that she is poorly adapted to life, that in her manners and behaviors he only saw an annoying puppet theater (that she depicted herself as so fitting, sweet, and feminine, but he had a hard time believing in this).
Haski (SLE):
We just had a new person join our work place, type EII. Give me some valium now. I'm used to doing everything quickly, making decisions and resolving things on the spot, keeping all documentation in order. The EII ... is always distracted, always in some virtual clouds, she often leaves and goes for smoke breaks, forgets that she needs to be working and preparing reports. When my patience ends, she makes these big guilty eyes and persuades me that she was only doing what she thought was best, that she finished everything so she took a break, then looks like she is about to cry, which only increases my vexation. In summary, I'm experiencing the very essence of conflict relations at my work place.
Teppa (SLE):
I have a friend of type EII. In reality in conflict relations you can find a lot of common ground and shared interests. We have been friends for many years with varying degrees of success with our friendship, but on the background of peaceful coexistence it was still possible to see how the EII is constantly looking for contradictions in what I say. At first, I treated this as another option or variation for another analysis of the situation. Later, I started to notice that she is actually masterfully and purposefully "digging" up these contradictions in order to oppose them. Well, I decided, such is the socionics relationship between our types of information metabolism. She's constantly looking for these contradictions and omissions in words of other people as well. After many years of friendship, I had to distance from her when all attempts at communication ended in fights. Now we communicate, but rarely and not very closely.
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