Shaun's Song
Channel: UTHP
Date: 2020-05-14

Get wet with Shaun!
You know he wants it tonight!
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Go fuck yourself, you stupid, ugly piece of shit.
Aren't I a stinker?
Worse version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee0mwaTn5rk

The story of Shaunacy begins in the late nineties, when he was molested as a child. He was a morbidly obese child, who was only allowed outside at night, as the sun burnt his pale Irish skin. As he grew older, he became more in touch with his latent homosexuality. Part of his personal journey was meeting his lover and mentor, Christopher Baker. For years, Chris has been using songs like these to explain to Shaun how he's the one that's homosexual. That's right, it's Shaun that's the gay one, not Chris; with Chris, it's just a singular, same-sex attraction. Although Shaun still isn't comfortable admitting to anyone that he regularly and frequently makes love to Chris, he's finally able to admit it to himself, if only by listening to Chris's serenades. Recently, Chris has taken to calling Shaun his "hubby", and although Shaun denies it, anyone who knows him can tell that he doesn't hate it at all. They have been talking about getting married lately, and although Shaun's contributions to those conversations largely consist of him saying it will never happen, there is an obvious chance that it will. The sexual tension between the duo is palpable across vast parsecs of hyperspace. A faraway alien overlord is getting pretty upset about it, and has order'd her entire armada to go to war with said sexual tension. Soon, over 9000 extraterrestrial stormtroopers will be huffing and puffing and blowing the two of them, making sure that the orgy is one to remember for eons. Afterwards, it is quite possible that some sort of portal will open up. I don't know what it will do, but suffice to say that it will be sexual in nature. Chances are, there will be hundreds of entities of innumerable species jerking each other off within minutes. None of them could possibly be described as female. The entire experience was beyond your wildest dreams. There is a distinctive type of sexually transmitted disease that only forms when something like this happens, and it wipes out all life in the universe other than that which created it. It is now this giant alien orgy's job to repopulate the entire universe, and the problem is that they all either men or the equivalent thereof. After they all die, zombies will show up. There will be all kinds of crazy shenanigans taking over the empty void of nonexistence that this story has created in your mind. I think that I'll be there, invisible, but doing a little dance. I might even let you know about "it". You probably don't want to know, though. Shaun and Chris started existing again, but this time they got a record deal for their musical genius. That's right: they were transferred to a universe where this is considered entertainment. Money, riches, and wealth were all famous for having what they were becoming, which is to say themselves. They sold out and started doing advertisements for fitness videos, which mostly featured men stretching and massaging each other while wearing nothing but a codpiece. They started going by Papa Geppetto and Pinocchio, because it got them off when people would call them that in public, especially in front of their parents. Heroin was the drug of choice for Julian, the homeless junkie that sucks the two of them off for spare change, now that they've lost everything due to their terrible choices and are living on the street. It turns out that Julian never really existed, and it was just the two of them sucking each other off for a dollar while on heroin. They decided it was time to pull the gayest bank robbery ever. After rounding up the fifty gayest hobos they knew, they all charged into the Best Western, thinking it was a bank. Within a minute, they were all undressed and having an orgy in the lobby. At this point, they had totally forgotten how the fuck this was supposed to be a bank robbery at all. Literally every single one of them had HIV, even before this particular game was afoot. It was at this point that Shaun was teleported to the center of the m0on, and was never heard from again. It is rumored that the "man in the moon" is actually his spirit, having been fractured across time and space in the single gayest paradox imaginable. None of it made any sense. The end, yo.