Long-distance Relationships (LDRs) of Narcissist, Borderline
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2023-11-12

In long-distance relationships, the narcissist interacts with one internalized object (image on a screen, voice in a chat) to create another internal object (the snapshot, or introject). This completely distorts the entire dynamics of the shared fantasy.

Long-distance relationships (LDR) conducted mostly online are very triggering for mentally ill people.

Example of NPD-BPD applicable to all types of LDRs involving narcissists and borderlines.

NPD becomes borderline and borderline becomes narcissistic. 

Poor communication skills (instrumentalized alloplastic monologues, never a constructive, results-oriented dialog). 

External locus of control by internal objects in NPD (estrangement) and external regulation in BPD. 

Impossible to maintain object constancy and introject constancy.

Snapshotting (introjection) and idealization disrupted.

Shared fantasy intermittent and gives rise to paranoid ideation (no trust) and nonproductive devaluation (splitting, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion, but no separation-individuation).

Hoovering and self-hoovering

No reclaim or reconciliation sex owing to distance, fear of outsourcing (infidelity). 

This leads to perceived abandonment and rejection (persecutory object and triggering of bad object), possessiveness (romantic jealousy is fear of loss), frustration-aggression, acting out in psychopathic self-state. 

Finally, LDRs lead not to classic devaluation-discard but to a sadistic and vengeful wish to destroy the frustrating object. This resembles the external solution in mortification. 

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