Listening to mashup songs and Lyme recovery journal (October 2022)
Channel: Chronic Illness Housewife
Date: 2022-10-15

excerpt from my journal tonight/this morning (babesia insomnia?) October 15, 2022:

what do I really want wrt parents/stepmom? I kinda just want to throw up. not necessarily angry. they've done something unforgivable to me, so unthinkable, so close to murdering me, so unfathomable. i didn't realize how awful it was to abandon your child knowingly to have them handle Lyme on their own until recently when I started getting proper treatment and saw how much I had lost. what do I do with this info. I feel older having this experience, less innocent than years ago. I've never dealt with anything remotely like this. I've never dealt with such a big betrayal. you'd think i'd be forgiving now I'm getting better, but I'm more seeing what was done to me more clearly, how much I lost. how close I came to losing myself forever. this is why the count of monte cristo stands out to me. 
https://youtu.be/KxhUTAi7UTQ

well I survived somehow. 

I can use art.

I think this is the solution. it's not really about me. it's not about my own working this out in my own mind. it's about the rest of the world. the rest of the world needs what I can be if I stay open, alive, and free. the rest of the world needs what I can be if I show high-boundary self-respect and protect my life force with boundaries. I'm here on earth to be alive. We all are here for a purpose.

these videos of listening to music might seem weird, but they are a major way I try to capture my spirit and how I really feel so I can look back on it at other times to regain myself or remember that period in time -- it really helps. they are very connected to my lyme disease journey and the commitment to staying sane and human during this long marathon struggle.