A poem I wrote about Star Wars before I saw it
Channel: Angela Brett
Date: 03/05/2016

On Star Wars Day in 2012, all I had seen of Star Wars was The Phantom Menace and The Star Wars Holiday Special. I finally had what seemed like the perfect opportunity to lose my Star Wars virginity, with a screening of the original three movies by the CERN CinéClub, and yet, I had doubts. Not many people reached my age without having seen Star Wars. Surely I should do something artistic with my unusual lack of knowledge. Which is not to say that art is the realm of unknowledgeable people, but entertainment can be, as long as one doesn't mind being the target of the laughter.

So I asked Twitter whether I should watch the movies, or instead write a poem about everything I knew about the movies from songs and internet memes. Twitter said to write poems, so I did. 

https://angelastic.com/2012/05/05/i-have-not-seen-star-wars-so-i-wrote-some-poetry-about-it/

I have since recited the poem to an audience of nerds on JoCo Cruise 3: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7xlCux9R3A

and to my surprise, they did not throw me overboard. One of them has even read my poem at an event at a library. I made a mistake in that recital, though, and since I wasn't used to performing a hung a lampshade on said mistake (which I won't do with the small mistake in this video.) So I never had a good video of the poem to share. I decided it was about time I made one.

Links to relevant things:
Marian Call's song, 'I'll Still be a Geek After Nobody Thinks it's Chic (the Nerd Anthem)' which I quoted at the beginning:

https://mariancall.bandcamp.com/track/ill-still-be-a-geek-after-nobody-thinks-its-chic-the-nerd-anthem

The Doubleclicks' song 'Nothing To Prove', which I quoted immediately after that (and which I'm in the music video for) : 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4Rjy5yW1gQ

Wil Wheaton's story, 'The Trade', from which I learnt the existence of land speeders: http://www.wilwheaton.net/mt/archives/001040.php
(video at https://youtu.be/9Zol_xL4Mqs)

The sleeping bag from which I learnt about tauntauns: http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/bb2e/

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo, which I referenced in the poem: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/98/Jul/gazebo.html

"Do Not Want" explanation: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/do-want-do-not-want

(The scene can be seen at about 2:08:50 of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XziLNeFm1ok)

Jonathan Coulton's song 'Screwed' which I used six seconds of in the credits: http://www.jonathancoulton.com/wiki/Screwed_(demo)

If you're going to point out that something in this video is actually from Star Trek, you'd better at least point out both such things. :D

Words:

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
there was light, there was dark, there were no shades of gray.
And a war was beginning, and stars were being made,
though I don’t know their names or the roles that they played.
I know some were ewoks, Storm Troopers and wookiees
And Jedi Knights, padawans, masters and rookies,
Darth Vader, and C3P0, R2D2,
but Einstein couldn’t name them, so don’t expect me to.

There were Chewie, and Yoda (the OSV talker)
Han Solo, and Leia, of course, Luke Skywalker.
There were Pod Racers, Falcons, and starships deluxe
and cruisers, and Land Speeders (that and five bucks
will get you a Death Star; it looks like a moon
but it’s some kind of space station dealing out doom.
You would think it would wipe out the good guys, but nup!
For some reason, this one’s a cinch to blow up.)

I digress. There’s a thing called the Force Luke must use,
for the good side or bad? He’s the one who must choose.
(Side note: midi-chlorians, what the Force goes on
are Force mitochondria, some kind of boson.)
So may it be with you, it’s stronger in this
one, whose lack of faith hints that there’s something amiss,
but I think Obi-Wan puts him on the right track.
(That’s a guess. I don’t know who he is. Don’t attack!)

I’m a little unclear how the plot goes from there,
but it’s not like I’m bumbling around unaware.
I know what a mind trick or lightsaber’s for
and I know that they’re not the droids I’m looking for.
If they sleep in a tauntaun, then someone won’t freeze
and for Palpatine’s sake, wookiee’s spelt with two ‘e’s.
And it’s Han that shot first, not… uh… Guido? No, Gweebo!
He couldn’t shoot first at a wounded gazebo.

So this guy named Darth Vader, who breathes through a mask,
his wardrobe’s all dark side, you don’t need to ask.
Well he tried to convince the young Luke to turn bad,
and then (spoiler alert!) he said, ‘Hey, I’m your dad!’
And the princess was somehow Luke Skywalker’s sister,
but nobody talked about how he once kissed ‘er.
He vanquished his father, who, looking quite gaunt,
while wheezing could still somehow scream ‘Do not want!’

The End (and I don’t care what anyone thinks;
this poem may suck, but it beats Jar Jar Binks.)