Confessions of a Silent (but Deadly) Assassin
Channel: Daily Insight
Date: 10/10/2017

I've been feeling pretty guilty about something I did almost 30 years ago. The year was 1988. I was in grade four, so I was about nine years old. My parents had recently switched our family to raw milk. They used to get it from a neighbour who had a dairy farm in the family.

Just to be clear, raw milk is illegal in Australia, at least for human consumption. Apparently there’s a high pathogen risk. As a kid, as long as I had something to put on my Weet-Bix, I didn't really care what type of milk I was consuming.

Anyway, one day in class I started to get a bit of an upset stomach. I was never one for “farting” in class, but this day was different. My stomach was bloated and there was nothing I could do about it. I don’t know for sure that it was caused by the raw milk, but it probably was.

I was working in a group with about six other kids. I think we were studying about the solar system, specifically about Jupiter and the other gas giants – how fitting! Finally, my stomach couldn’t take it any more and out came a massive, but silent, gas cloud. The stench was terrible. I thought to myself, there’s no way I’m getting away with this.

The boy next to me started to sniff the air. I was done for … except … there was another boy at the other end of the table named Evan (not his real name). 

Now, Evan had a history of being quite smelly. He came from a relatively poor family and I’m pretty sure he only bathed once a week. His father smoked heavily, so often Evan’s clothes would reek of cigarette smoke. It wasn’t his fault. I had been to his house a couple of times before and his parents were keen on saving water. Things like bathing and flushing the toilet came second to lowering the water bill.

So anyway, the boy next to me was sniffing the air and then suddenly he puckered his face. He looked at me in the eye and shouted, “Evan just farted!”. I couldn’t believe it, despite me being right next to the boy, he blamed Evan, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table. I kept silent, relieved that I hadn’t been caught.

Throughout the day, I had a couple more episodes, but luckily I was able to hold it in until I was outside in the playground.

The next day, I was on edge. My stomach was playing up, so I was doing my best to hold it in. We were doing some group work again, but this time I was at a different table than Evan. There was no way I could get away with it a second time.

I came up with a plan to go to Evan’s group to borrow some glue, or something. I was thinking that I could silently fart near his table, then retreat back to my desk. I had to time it so the smell would linger over near Evan. I executed the plan and it seemed to have worked.

Suddenly, the same boy who first noticed the stench the day before shouted out, “Evan just farted again!”.  Everybody started covering their noses and teasing Evan. Evan went bright red and started yelling, “It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!”. I felt bad.

Believe it or not this went on for weeks – possibly months. I became better and better at farting near Evan. Nobody had any idea that it was coming from me. I made a point of never participating in blaming Evan – I just kept silent. Ultimately, I convinced myself that I wasn’t doing anything morally wrong, but yet the guilt started to weigh down on me.

I couldn’t stop these gas attacks. I didn’t want to feel the shame of being labelled “stinky”. I even secretly called myself the “gassassin”.

I probably participated in these stealth attacks about 40 or 50 times. But one day, it became too much. Evan broke down in tears. He ran out of the classroom crying. I had destroyed him. Despite all of this, all the other kids were laughing. It almost became a daily ritual for them. I decided that enough was enough.

Luckily, Summer holidays had finally come and I didn’t have to worry about my bloated stomach. It turns out I stopped drinking raw milk soon after, and by grade five, all the gas had gone.

I have never told anybody this story as I was too embarrassed to admit it. But it has been weighing down on my mind, so I had to tell someone. I haven’t yet told Evan – I don’t know if I ever will. I’d hope that he’d be able to laugh about it, but maybe he’ll just punch me in the nose. Oh well, time will tell.

Thank you for listening to my confession. I hope that I will be forgiven. If it’s any consolation, this silent (but deadly) assassin has long since retired.

RELATED LINKS
Holding in Intestinal Gas – http://www.berkeleywellness.com/self-care/over-counter-products/article/holding-intestinal-gas

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