oneself - a discovery
Channel: Mariam Mohey El-Din
Date: 2019-08-08

A collage mapping my journey of making sense of stuff. Or making stuff of sense. Or just creating to prove I'm still here. I was here. I really was.
Transcript:
Soft music to report the sweetness of starting, then forgetting what I wanted to do. 
'Yes indeed, both Don and Sue look like the kind of people you'd like to know, don't they?'
The jungle we call civilisation with an air of misguided secrecy and urgency. She recognises what she wants from the picture of this guy's back and hair. Classic.
'We must live in the jungles, for man makes his own jungle. At least as cruel's as natures. In any jungle, man-made laws don't count for much. You can't survive alone. You have to run with a pact. And when the pact runs, there are always enemies.'
Skipping to the psychedelic innocence of childhood with the nonchalant tunes again.
'What is so terrible about a child screaming? Why should it disturb us? Just because we happen to be here to hear it? There are children suffering everywhere?'
This clip hints at what I like to call 'Kim, there are people dying in the world' technique of belittling one's misery. Why is my cry more important than everyone else's?
A little humour because I can't let myself get too serious. Trying to hold it together, only for everything to blow up in your face.
'The mind can not control. It's hard to make yourself understood. She can not without help, without love, without training do many of the simpler things every child takes for granted.'
Not so subtly hinting, I'm broken.
The next clip shows friendship. Or people. Just some meaningless distracting other. Something in attempt to cure the terrible disease that is loneliness.
Then there's the constructive building of yourself up. Building hope. Gonna take me some steel.
'How many dreams can you shape in a minute? an hour? Ask the people.'
Then more into the psychedelic innocence of childhood.
'Without these things, the world is just too much.' It's almost impossible to keep going on without hope, or belief, or anything that make you breathe a bit easier.
Into nature's (call) mishap's and disappointment when you're so out of touch you can't recall what is it you did wrong.
More hope and search for manuals. Is there some script everyone else is following and I'm just floating about? Is there a reason I don't know how to be. How to Go Places instructions:
'1. Health. 2. Posture. 3. Cleanliness and 4. Neatness. Plus a daily routine of little finishing touches.' in other words, the toxic promotion of self-care. You gotta deal with what's in you head and not  just drink enough water and de-clutter.
'Knowing how to get where you are going, is one of the most important ways of saving time. But remember, it's so easy to get poor advice from people you just happen to meet down the road.'
'The individual disaster.'
'The community disaster.'
'Many a great dramatists defined the essential element of tragedy to that which could have been prevented. If a child should die, from an unpreventable and incurable disease, and there was no way she could have been saved, then it certainly would be a very sad and terrible event. But if that child could have been saved, but for our neglect, or our laziness, or our lack of generosity, then that is a tragedy. '
'So you finally made it then?'
He nods, but every time he has, it went poorly.
This collage is made possible by Prelinger Archives.

This is an attempt to make sense of my deeply-rooted depression. Hoping I could find (in it) the light, when I need it the most. And maybe light someone else's darkness.
Instagram: @powermariamrangers