The Tribble Song - Quarries & Corridors - Live at Constitution 2009 (HarmUni 4)
Channel: QuarriesAndCorridors
Date: 2022-01-14

A comedy filk song about Star Trek races and their openness to buggery, inspired by Terry Pratchett's Hedgehog Song. As performed, with only one flubbed line**, while stone sober and sipping a revolting blue energy drink at the HarmUni 4 stream of the Constitution sci-fi con, 2009. Lyrics below and in the subtitles.

(and, yes, that is a joke about Gene Roddenberry's interesting digressions in the novelisation of Motion Picture — go on, Memory Beta the Deltans, I dare you)

Lyrics:

Well the universe is a wonderful place!
With so many races to match anyone's tastes!
With most of these species you'll find you have a ball
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the android as he's fully functional
You can bugger a Vulcan if you're calm and you're punctual
You may get a Romulan should the empire fall
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the Q if the whole thing amuses
You can bugger the Trill if the symbiote chooses
You can hump the Ocampa, Tak Tak and Kraylor
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger Ferengi if you prove that they'll profit
You can bugger the Borg – just find the right socket
To tame Jem'Hadar* you must start when they're small
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger an empath**, then once more with feeling!
You can bugger Suliban up on the ceiling
You'll get busy on Risa or Arcturus IV
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger the Changeling if it's in the right form
You can bugger a Klingon, though you might lose an arm
You can top with a Kazon, or even Vaadwaur
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger an hologram – set safeties to off
Bugger folks with the Phage, though you might get a cough
You can screw all the colonists on Cygnia Minor
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger Andorians if your tastes run that blue
You could bugger a Deltan, you know they'd do you!
Ravish all Star Fleet ranks right up to admiral
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

You can bugger Picard if it's that or his crew
You can bugger Janeway for a strong coffee brew
To get with Jim Kirk be a beautiful girl
But the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

No, they have no need for sexual breeding
They're small and they purr and they like a good feeding
They're furry and round in the shape of a ball
So the Tribble can never be buggered at all!

Notes:

* After Discovery season 1, the misjudged Jem'Hadar line was replaced with "To calm Kelpiens just be gentle and small"

** In this performance, the Empath line was flubbed to say 'Changeling' instead.