How Borderlines, Narcissists Destroy Their Intimacy
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2021-11-21

Nothing terrifies the Borderline more than abandonment and rejection, real, anticipated, or imagined.

In the wake of repeated such harrowing experiences, Borderlines react in two ways, often alternating between them:

1. They avoid all contact with potential intimate partners, constrict their lives to work only, and become schizoid; or

2. They sexually self-trash in casual random sex, exclusively with strangers. This way, they never experience heartbreak, they mitigate the pain of having been rejected, restore their wounded grandiosity with their “conquests” (“validation” or “self-esteem”), and self-soothe.

Borderlines self-medicate with anxiolytic predatory men who often victimize and mistreat them egregiously, even in one night stands.

As a defense against the mortification, shame, and guilt involved in acting out and in being maltreated contemptuously, Borderlines immediately impose a romantic or defiant fantasy on the stranger they are with and the unfolding unsavory proceedings.

Borderlines react with derision and hostility to any attempt to undo the fantasy. They cast well-meaning and caring therapists, friends, intimate partners and family members as persecutory objects, almost enemies.

Unfortunately, Borderlines tend to pick narcissists as mates. Narcissists dread true intimacy and regard it as a threat, a permanent challenge to their grandiosity. Borderlines equally undermine intimacy for fear of being engulfed or enmeshed.

The two parties abuse each other as they attempt to cause their partners to decompensate and act out (misbehave), affording them an excuse to break up. This process of restoring one’s comfort zone by modifying the partner’s behaviors is known as projective identification.

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