put on a happy mask and keep all my thoughts and feelings inside ? No...
Channel: LadyDanielle Zana
Date: 2012-10-31

Edit : Thank you Rael Maitreya to help me fix this with your lectures of Happiness.

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The thing is what should I do , put on a happy mask and keep all my thoughts and feelings inside ? I don't like being fake... many people pretend to be happy when they are hurting... and besides I need to say something, and especially when my life is threatened by the ignorance of others. How would you feel when you seek help, and the help rejects you like everyone else had done to you throughout your life. It is a clear indication that my existence is a mistake, and i should not have spawned on this planet. My life would have been far better if i lived on spaceships and other planets, living here is a constant nightmare. How do you enjoy life when every time you want to be happy and work on being happy someone fucks it up? you have not experienced the pain I gone through, yes it could have been worse, but what makes it worse is the continuous rejection, and alienation from society...for just being myself, and people who blame this on me, are dam fucking stupid, because they themselves were not born hermaphrodite and then mutilated at birth. But when you trust medical help service, they help, and then they reject you because of being outspoken, and exposing the error in the system, where people don't think but run on automatic in regards to their so called profession. They quote medical text like religious farts quoting scripture from their books like mindless parrots, and assume and generalize treatment on the basis of criteria which derived from analysis of an ordinary employee or business woman and not an artist who never got support in their skill by their own family, then not understanding the fact that i do not know how to to handle money, because my consciousness sees it as logical nonsense, perhaps from my autism, where it can be seen the same as that some people cant draw, or some people cant do maths. The criteria is based on this bullshit as well as the physical attributes and medical conditions. I pass almost all the criteria on physical attributes, that is i am very feminine, more than middle androgynous , i had been living full time as a female for 13 years, and just because i get rejected from employment because of being flamboyant , extravagant , colorful, and creative naturally, this opposes the criteria, and i feel its utter bullshit and stupid, because i am not seen as a unique creative non conformist individual. You would thing society would help find you a place to fit in, but they dont... they enforce to reshape you, and then shove you in to be a slave working on others boring and stupid crap rather than a productive individual sharing unique ideas. People on this planet, fail to understand, and believe books to explain every single fucking thing in the universe and this world on this planet, but it cant, it only gives a perception of the author who had been observing the general or what society considers normal. Anyone who is different confuses the fuck out of them, because they run on automatic. This is why i go on about my quote . "The universe has many books, but a book does not describe the entire universe". The thing is, no one can tell me to stop thinking, because i have an active mind, which is why i get bored in jobs that repeat the same shit everyday, which is one of the reasons i got fired from my first employment. I streamlined and updated the database of a company, because I changed and improved the database and the data structure of it, so it made more sense, because i got bored of the routine crap, and decided to innovate. The employer did not understand what I had done, and fired me, but my database modifications were saved... six years later, she now uses my modification, without even a thank you. This is the thing that pisses me off. I cannot stop thinking, id I did I would become bored and distressed, and when people give me shit i tend to think on the shit because it distracts me, because it effects my life, well-being and creativity.