Autism Gaslighting and Mate Crime
Channel: Thomas Henley
Date: 2023-06-12

What does intentional and unintentional gaslighting look like for Autistic people? Why is Mate Crime such a big problem for us? What are some neurodiverse relationship green flags and red flags?

Chapters:
00:00 - Dbuds Advert
00:38 - Who Is Joely?
07:30 - Nightlife and Music
14:30 - What Is Gaslighting?
25:10 - Stereotyping & Infantilisation
37:58 - What Makes Autistic People Prone To Gaslighting?
42:30 - Alexithymia and Mental Health
46:10 - Mate Crime
55:57 - Relationship Red Flags
01:13:33 - Relationship Green Flags
01:36:34 - Song Of The Day

Joely Williams (@joelywilliams_myautisticwings) is a physically disabled Autistic speaker and author based in the UK. Diagnosed Autistic at 2 years old, but only aware of her neurodivergence at age 13, she speaks on lesser-known aspects of Autism and mental health from her own lived experience and knowledge as an Autistic woman.

My Links - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://linktr.ee/thomashenleyUK⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠// Joely’s Website - ⁠www.myautisticwings.co.uk⁠

Dbud Noise Cancelling Adjustable Ear Buds (20% Off with code: THOUGHTYAUTI) - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://dbud.io/thoughtyautipodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Breaking the ice, Thomas and Joely talk about their experiences with music therapy, nightlife, and music festivals as Autistic people. Joely describes herself as a strange mix of sensory seeking and sensory avoidant behaviours, feeling comfortable moshing it up with the best of them, but often feeling sensitive in other situations.

Joely explains the concepts of intentional and unintentional gaslighting, at worst being a manipulative tactic or at the least an unhelpful reality-denying series of comments. Joely highlights that unintentional gaslighting often has good intentions, but can often be ableist in nature when thinking about Autistic people in teaching or parenting contexts; denying the utility of stimming or highlighting sensory issues as 'not too bad' being too prime examples of unintentional gaslighting.

Infantilisation and stereotyping seem to be two common ways people gaslight autistic people. Those infantilising autistic people might paint them as children to deny their comments or opinions, or even enforce unwanted care on them. When stereotyping they may highlight things around empathy or social incompetence as a means for manipulation.

Speaking on the reasons why Autistic people may be more prone to gaslighting, direct communication preferences, Alexithymia, mental illness, and prior negative conditioning are all highlighted. Joely describes the Autistic mind as processing facts first, meaning that it may take some time to process the context or social indirect communication around a statement. Alexithymia may make it more difficult to set immediate boundaries and mental illnesses like anxiety, prior invalidation of our experiences in youth, and bullying would definitely contribute to our lack of belief in our own experiences,

Mate Crime is where someone takes advantage of a vulnerable person in order to extract monetary or intimate benefits from the individual or to humiliate and gain control over a person. Whilst being against the law, it's incredibly difficult to prove and takes advantage of a person's loneliness and isolation.

Going through the red flags of possible toxic relationships, conversations around 'putting the person on a pedestal', faking full understanding of Autism, doing helpful things to coerce you or gain control, and driving a wedge between you and your support network were most apparent to the two. The individual might be seen to be doing you favours, but under the surface, they are robbing you of your ability to support yourself with things you really don't need help with.

Some possible green flags of healthy relationships were highlighted: Lack of the rollercoaster of emotion or adrenaline response, clear boundaries that aren't crossed, curiosity about your experiences/autism, a feeling of boredom if you've had previous toxic relationships, conversations about meeting each other's needs, and non-reactivity to miscommunication.

Song Of The Day (Listen Here) - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5UDIyN5TSYN4zMcRoQPrG8?si=9255ed3480d840b5⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Interview me, 1:1 Autism Coaching, public speaking for events & workplace training - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://linktr.ee/thomashenleyUK⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠