Silent Treatment: What Is It, How to Tackle It
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2023-05-19

2 of every 3 people gave the silent treatment. It is increasing as alternative modes of interpersonal communication become mainstream.

Silent treatment is (1) efficiently punitive (2) social (takes a perpetrator and a target) (3) manipulative (controlling) (4) emotionally distant (5)  exclusionary (6) plausibly deniable (element of gaslighting: not abuse) (7) coercive (forces the victim to apologize) (8) alloplastic (9) preserves negative affects (10) addictive (11) expressive (displeasure, disapproval, frustration, anger, disappointment, contempt) (12) creates uncertainty (13) attention-seeking (14) negating

Shunning, stonewalling, ghosting, blocking, banning, deleting comments between individuals – but not Tactical ignoring.

Passive givers perceive silent treatment as graceful, dignified, and conflict-avoidant.

Responsive to pressured requests, pleas, demands, or criticism.

Both verbal and bodily (avoidance of eye contact, physical distance)

Generates in both giver and receiver threatened needs of belonging, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. Giver’s perceived control enhanced.

Activates same area in brain that codes for physical and emotional pain anterior cingulate cortex.

What to do about silent treatment?

Chill rather than silent treatment: ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later, in 1 hour.’

Voice the pain of being ignored (Margaret Clark, psychology professor at Yale)

Set Healthy Boundaries

Communication protocols (I statements and naming the situation)

Acknowledge other person’s feelings

Apologize only if justified, do not reward (positively reinforce) silent treatment

Practice self-care

Don’t take it personally

Stay calm

Use humor

Avoid escalation, blaming, shaming

Seek help and succor

LITERATURE

Williams, K. D., Shore, W. J., & Grahe, J. E. (1998). The Silent Treatment: Perceptions of its Behaviors and Associated Feelings. Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 1(2), 117–141. https://doi.org/10.1177/1368430298012002

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