Mandatory **** in Australia (For Your Safety and the Safety of ALL Australians)
Channel: Daily Insight
Date: 09/06/2021

Australia, 30 June 2025, Prime Minister’s Press Conference on mandatory hats and sunscreen.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As we all know, about 1,400 Australians die from skin cancer every year, and quite frankly, we’re sick of it. We feel like we’ve failed as a government and let all Australians down. Consequently, from 11:59pm tonight, hats and sunscreen will be made compulsory in all outdoor settings. Note this will be enforced during daylight hours only and you will need to carry a hat and sunscreen whenever you leave the house. Also, we’ll be mandating helmet usage. As we all know, about 36 Australians die every year from head injury resulting from falling objects. Due to the massive success of our hat and sunscreen policy (which reduced skin cancer-related deaths by almost 12.5%), we’re now introducing mandatory helmet laws. From 11:59pm onwards, whenever you leave your home, you must wear an appropriately-fitted helmet to protect you from such things as falling tree branches, and other such objects. Also, we’ll be mandating scarves. As we all know, about two Australians die every year from cold-related death. Due to the massive success of our helmet and hat laws (which reduced head-related deaths from falling objects by almost 3%), we’re now introducing mandatory scarf laws. From 11:59pm onwards, whenever you leave your home, you must wear an appropriately-sized scarf around your neck during winter months to protect you from the cold. The final stage of our safety involves mandating shin padding. As we all know, about one Australian dies every five years from shin-related death. From 11:59pm onwards, whenever you leave your home, you must wear shin guards to protect you from injury. Failure to do so will result in mandatory life imprisonment. We will not be taking any questions today as it was made illegal to question the party under any circumstance. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

We are one, but we are many
We wear our hats, our scarves, and our helmets
We wear sunscreen, and our shin guards
I am, you are, we are Australian
But we don’t wear face masks,
because we’re all vaccinated!

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MUSIC
Away by Patrick Patrikios

#NannyState #satire #Australia