I Joined The Obama Campaign For The Extra-Judicial Assassinations
Channel: Matt Kresling
Date: 2016-10-08

Like a lot of liberal Democrats, I found the Bush years really hard to take, so I quit my job in 2008 and joined the Obama Campaign. A lot of progressive dreamers just like me set their lives aside to work for the campaign, and what we all wanted most was to elect someone who would massively expand a program of extra-judicial assassination with robot-planes.

There were tangential issues, of course. Some Democrats wanted to deport 1.5 million people, others wanted to make sure we didn’t reform the financial industry after it blew up the economy, etc., but the one issue on which we all agreed was extra-judicial assassination with robot-planes.

So we hit the doors and phones to make our case, and we explained to voters how important it was, when the U.S. suspects someone of being bad, to be able to obliterate them, and anyone who happens to be in the vicinity, with a missile from a robot-plane.

Naturally, American voters had questions:

‘Why don’t we just capture suspects?’
‘It’s hard. So hard. Not to mention, illegal in most cases.’
‘Isn’t killing them also illegal?’
‘I’m gonna write you down as 'leaning yes.'’

‘Shouldn’t people get, like, a trial or something?’
‘Oh, so long, a trail. Have to prove their guilt, which is often super hard. So….'

And some were, like, ‘Are we sure these people are guilty?’ And we assured them, ‘Probably.’

‘Isn’t the intelligence sometimes wrong?’ 
’No.’

‘What about collateral damage?’
’Candidate Obama has promised to designate everyone in the target zone as EKIA’s, or ‘Enemies Killed In Action,’ while additionally admitting to a small, deeply-regrettable number of innocent kills, and sincerely apologizing for them.’

And some people said, ‘Well, don’t criminal suspects still have rights?’ And we had a good laugh, and said, ‘These aren’t American citizens mostly.’

Some Democrats were like, ‘Wait, aren’t we against the death penalty?’ And we’re like, ‘No, no, no. Not in states where that polls badly.’ 

“Should a president just get to decide that someone should die?’
‘I totally hear you. But it’s okay—he’s a good guy.’

But some people were still legitimately worried, and said, ’Well, what if we expand this presidential authority, and then a crazy Republican becomes president?’ And we said, ‘Don’t worry about that—there will never be another Republican president.’

And the rest is history. We won!

Now, as we find ourselves at a new crossroads, many of us who worked on the campaign are worried about the program for which we fought so hard.

But what’s great about this year is that we have TWO candidates who are guaranteed to extra-judicially assassinate the hell out of people with robot-planes. Isn’t that a great choice? They’re both FOR IT! The only way we can lose the program is if you VOTE FOR JILL STEIN. So if you really love extra-judicial assassination with robot-planes, and you think it’s the right thing to do, do not VOTE FOR JILL STEIN. Because everything that we’ve accomplished in the last 8 years might be undone.

Please read 'The Drone Papers' at https://theintercept.com/drone-papers/