MADAME WEB IS SO BAD THEY TRIED TO DESTROY SYDNEY SWEENEY
Channel: COPA EX MACHINA
Date: 2024-02-18

Madame Web is the greatest movie ever made... if you've had your brains sucked out through your butt by the aliens. In Madame Web, Dakota Johnson stars as Cassie Web. Sydney Sweeney is also in Madame Web somewhere, but the producers made sure they stuck her in the back. Madame Web is the worst comic book movie of all time. 

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SYNOPSIS WEB
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Madame Web is a 2024 American superhero film based on Marvel Comics featuring the character of the same name. Produced by Columbia Pictures and Di Bonaventura Pictures in association with Marvel Entertainment and TSG Entertainment, and distributed by Sony Pictures Releasing, it is the fourth film in Sony's Spider-Man Universe (SSU). The film was directed by S. J. Clarkson from a screenplay she co-wrote with Claire Parker and the writing team of Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. It stars Dakota Johnson in the title role, alongside Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O'Connor, Isabela Merced, Tahar Rahim, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, and Adam Scott. In the film, Cassie Webb (Johnson) confronts her past while trying to save three young women and their futures from Ezekiel Sims (Rahim). 

In 1973, a research team led by Ezekiel Sims and his pregnant partner Constance Webb discover an unidentified species of spider in the jungles of Peru with rare healing properties. Ezekiel betrays the team and claims the spider for himself before leaving Constance for dead. An indigenous tribe attempts to save Constance using the bite of the spider, but she dies shortly after giving birth to a girl whom she names Cassandra.

In 2003, Cassandra, going by "Cassie", lives alone in Queens, New York, working as a paramedic alongside her co-workers Benjamin "Ben" Parker and O'Neil. While working to save a driver from a car hanging off a bridge, Cassie falls into the water and has a near-death experience. Ben revives her but Cassie soon begins to suffer from what she initially dismisses as déjà vu, seeing events that have not yet happened, but slowly realizes that she can see into the future after failing to prevent O'Neil from dying on the job.

Ezekiel, who has gained the same power as Cassie along with enhanced physical abilities, collects information on three young women: Julia Cornwall, Anya Corazon, and Mattie Franklin; his visions lead him to believe that they are destined to kill him. Cassie is also drawn to the same women and intervenes to stop Ezekiel from ambushing them at Grand Central Station. She steals a taxi and takes Julia, Anya, and Mattie out of the city to hide them in a nearby forest. Cassie returns to her apartment and finds her late mother's notes which reveal Ezekiel's identity and the true nature of his powers. The girls disobey Cassie's instructions and go to a diner where Ezekiel finds the trio after they draw attention to themselves. Through her visions, Cassie determines that she can't beat Ezekiel physically and instead uses the taxi to ram him. She takes the girls back to Queens and persuades Ben to let them use his residence as a safehouse. Only time will tell if Ezekiel will find them. 


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CAST WEB
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Dakota Johnson ... Cassandra "Cassie" Webb / Madame Web
Sydney Sweeney ... Julia Cornwall
Isabela Merced ... Anya Corazon 
Celeste O'Connor ... Mattie Franklin
Tahar Rahim ... Ezekiel Sims
Mike Epps ... O'Neil
Emma Roberts ... Mary Parker
Adam Scott ... Ben Parker
Kerry Bishé ... Constance Webb
Zosia Mamet ... Girl Who Sits At Desk
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CHAPTER WEB
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0:00 - Intro web
0:49 - Dakota Johnson knew Madame Web was bad
1:37 - The dumb Peruvian prologue
2:29 - Peter Parker is a cultural appropriator
3:16 - Dakota Johnson, "Actress"
3:51 - Cassie the Meatwagoner (Pepsi)
4:20 - Mary's pregnant with Pepsi spiders
4:45 - Did you order a nosebleed with your Pepsi?
5:13 - The plot thickens like concrete in a Pepsi can
7:17 - Cassie Web, hero...from far away 
8:36 - CPR you serious?
9:12 - The answer to the question never asked
10:34 - The line rewritten by and for bozos
11:38 - Mien plot, a simple solution to the Madame Web problem
12:12 - The lack of content in these characters
13:41 - Dakota Johnson, nepo baby 
14:13 - So who do we blame?
15:45 - Super hero fatigue?
16:06 - Humble asks
16:28 - The joy of cola