20 FREAKIN 20 | PANDEMIC YEAR RECAP
Channel: peace in myself
Date: 2021-01-06

2020 was a year I'll never forget. I only have one life to live, I'm gonna live it; despite the fuckery that keeps coming at me. I'm not leaving without a fight, and a laugh, even if I get my teeth knocked out.

someone get me to a meditation retreat plox, dam the night really fucks me up. (9PM)

TRANSCRIPT: 
Here we are 
It’s technically January 1, 2021 pacific time when write these thoughts and January 2 when I record the voiceover but better late than never I guess

What was 2020 like? Similar to those aesthetic numbers like 2000, 2020 did not disappoint. But let’s go back a little.

December 2019, I should have guessed something bigger was about to happen. Me and vietnam had a spat again, 7 years after the first one. I guess I’ll just wait a couple years to see her again. 

I started 2020 on a shaky foundation, I questioned my self worth and my worries that I wasn’t cut out for the industry were beginning to mount. This in part was due to a past job I quit in 2019 and spent that year trying to recover from. That job gave me industry insight and confidence, but it also made me anxious about how people perceive my work ethic and intentions. I know it wasn’t all me, but I can’t help thinking sometimes, am I the problem?

In addition to wondering if there was something wrong with me, as someone forging their own entrepreneurial path, I also underestimated how difficult it is to not have a regular: routine and coworkers to be friendly w every day. I thought I would have freedom to create but I got distracted at home and I realized how lonely I am because I had stopped maintaining friendships and community work a while back. life is not just about work, family, and partners, friends are important. 

When quarantine hit March 2020, i was a little apprehensive about my partner and roommate at the time working from home, a space I usually enjoyed  to myself for most of the day. but I also thought my life would be happier to have them around so I wouldn’t be so lonely. In the end, my need for relationships was more than one or two people could handle. However, there was comfort in knowing that everyone (in my world) was also staying at home the way I had been for so long.

Looking through my photos, 2020 has been about cats. I’ve really cared for them, feeding them, letting them outside, keeping them away from concerned neighbors, taking them out for fresh air, and of course, emptying the litter robot. I guess I either try to analyze situations to find the problems or I find scapegoats. And so, are these cats taking up more time than I originally thought they would? Yes. But are they also extremely cute? Reluctantly I say yes. 

But hey 2020, you’ve given me a lot. I’d say getting that line on the hbo show after being carried as background has been a big perk. I finally signed up for acting classes, I took an improv class and sketch writing class. I’ve spent time on the ukulele and had the luck of living with musicians for two months who inspired me to play and sing more. I’ve lived without a partner for almost six months now and I can’t decide whether it’s torturous or freeing. I do know that I’ve wondered what it’s like to be single for a longer period of time so I guess this is possibly the closest I can get.

2020 you me up. You didn’t let me get away scotch free, I had to pay the price. It’s been extremely tough but I guess I’m wiser now.

What I wish for 2021
Mindfulness, I hope to cherish every moment I am living. I know that living is suffering but also is happiness. I can take the lessons I’ve learned in 2020 and live w more intention. 

Thank u

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Thanks gaiz~

#oscars4asians

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