Religion - podLog 2
Channel: asynartesies
Date: 2017-06-09

Info about me can be found in my channel description.

Script:
I want to start a religion.
But not in that really insidious, money-grubbing way most people who start religions do.
No, it’s gonna be a real religion. An ultra-conservative religion. The kind of religion where, if you break a rule, you go to hell right then and there. You just immediately fall over, die, and your soul gets dragged down to hell. Right then and there. That kinda religion.
Every Monday at 3:00 pm, you go to the place of worship.
But it’s not one of those hippie liberal “nice, clean place with lots of comfy chairs and modern architecture”.
No. It’s a shack.
It’s a small shack about the size of a school bus, constructed with rusty nails and some kind of extremely dark wood.
The shack has no artificial lighting. Not even candles.
It does have windows, but the glass is gone completely. Some of the muntins are still there, but only one is completely intact.
The wood surfaces have been smoothed and glazed by hundreds - thousands? Yeah, probably thousands - of years of contact with human skin oils.
The pews creak whenever you breathe.
Sitting on the pew in the back right corner is an old woman who’s missing an eye. She looks extremely malnourished. You never actually see her leave or enter the shack. You suspect she might live here.
Standing at the front of the shack is an old man. He wears black and tan robes that are extremely frayed at the edges. He wears a tall, brown hat with no brim. His face has been permanently twisted into one of constant suspicion.
He faces away from the congregation, shakily raises his lanky, decrepit arms, and begins his sermon.
He speaks exclusively in a foreign language. You do not understand this language, but everyone else in the congregation does. Or at least they’re very good at faking it.
The language he speaks sounds like a combination of Russian, Arabic, Braille, Morse code, and Spanish.
You suspect he might be saying the same thing every week, but you don’t think he’d like it very much if you recorded him to check.
At seemingly random times during the sermon, the congregation stands up and follows along with what he’s saying. At other random times, they repeatedly jerk their heads backwards.
You follow along with whatever they do. You’re not sure why everyone is doing these things, but you don’t want to break the pattern.
When the old man is finished with his sermon, he grabs a large metal dish filled with an opaque white fluid. He holds it far in front of him, and repeatedly bows towards it as he walks down the aisle.
Certain members of the congregation lean over and bow into the fluid as it is walked past them, coloring the tip of their nose white.
The old man then takes the dish back to the front, gingerly places it on a table, then holds a perfect C flat for just under 6 minutes, after which everyone gets up and leaves.
Next Monday you come back and the whole process starts all over again.
When you have children, you will have them do the same thing, and they will be exactly as confused as you were.
Y’know, that kind of religion.