190915   Venting Journal
Channel: Ravi Tangri
Date: 2019-09-16

It’s 5 in the morning and I’m working with a leadership team in Bruges, Belgium to craft a strategic plan.  I’ve been awake for hours now.  

Again.  

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I can feel the stress and pressure building up in me, layer by layer, day by day, and I have no clue what’s causing it or what to do about it. 

It’s been seven months since my marriage ended, and I took the time I needed to work on my ‘stuff’ on my own, with a counselor and with a coach. I feel like I’m in a really good place.

My son is with me half the time, and when he is, I’m working with my consulting clients close to home, or coaching by Skype, and I have wonderful times with my son.  When he’s with his mother, I’m often on the road, here in Europe, in the Middle East or in Canada or America.

It’s a really nice balance, and I can’t figure out why this pressure and stress is building in me, keeping me up so many nights now.

Normally I’d call up a friend for a coffee or a Skype chat to figure things out, but al my friends in North America are sleeping or turning in for the night.

My chest feels like it’s going to explode from this pressure, and I don’t know what to do. I have a few hours before I have to be with my clients, but I don’t what to do in that time.

That’s when I remember a tool I’ve given my coaching clients for years. 

One of the things I’ve always advocated for my clients is having people to turn to, to talk to when things build up.  Sometimes you don’t need things fixed – you just need to vent to get it out and move on.  But you can’t always reach that close friend.  Sometimes you’re on your own.  So that’s when I suggest a venting journal.

A journal is something you share your thoughts with, like a friend, but that you keep.  A venting journal is about stuff you want to release and let go of, not keep, so I suggest using a coil-bound scribbler so you can rip out the pages you’ve written and throw them away.

I don’t have a scribbler, so I dig through my materials and find extra papers and sheets I brought to use wit the group and I start writing.
It doesn’t make sense at first.  It’s almost incoherent, a lot of pain an frustration.  I even rip the paper a couple of times in my intensity.  

Then it starts coming out, and the hole I’m feeling inside.  

Now the picture paints itself so clearly.

I’ve got my time with my son, and I love that, and I have my work and I love that.  But there’s no time for me.  

In all this transition, I haven’t made the time to rediscover who I am beyond a father and a consultant.  

I’m not who I was before I got married – I’ve grown and evolved from that. And I’m far more than just a father and a consultant.  

But I have no time to discover that.  I’m too busy being a father and a consultant.

And that’s when I made the decision and changed.  I finished off my open international contracts and built more work closer to home so I could – God forbid! – have a life.

That’s when my passion for dance ignited into a wildfire. That’s when I deepened my spiritual journey and practice.  And so much more.

But first I had to release the tension my body was building up, asking me to change – for me.