Psychopath? 5 Red Flags and 3 Rs Test: Remorse, Remediation, and Restoration
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2013-10-19

Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

1.    Psychopaths are "too good to be true". They besiege their interlocutors with a relentless charm offensive, flaunting their accomplishments, skills, talents, brilliance, acuity, and good fortune.

2.    Information asymmetry: The psychopath may flood you with unwanted and unwarranted information -- and disinformation - about himself while conspicuously being incurious about you. Alternatively, he keeps mum about his life while intrusively "milking" you for the most intimate details of yours.

3.    Belaboured normalcy and effortless deviance: Actions that are reflexive, or effortless with normal, healthy people require an inordinate amount of premeditation, concentration, planning, and laborious investment by the psychopath. Acts that normal folk would find abhorrent come naturally and effortlessly to the psychopath.

4.    Alloplastic Defenses: The psychopath blames others, the authorities, institutions, or the world at large for his failures, defeats, and mishaps. It is never his fault. He has anexternal locus of control: his life is ruled from the outside, the collected sad outcomes of injustice, discrimination, and conspiracy.

5.  Psychopaths are said to be fearless and sang-froid. Their pain tolerance is very high. Still, contrary to popular perceptions and psychiatric orthodoxy, some psychopaths are actually anxious and fearful. Their psychopathy is a defense against an underlying and all-pervasive anxiety, either hereditary, or brought on by early childhood abuse.

Still, narcissism and psychopathy can develop late in life as a reaction to life's circumstances. Acquired Situational Narcissism can be induced in adulthood by celebrity, wealth, and fame. But, it may also occur in a variety of other situations. Codependents, aiming to fend off gnawing abandonment anxiety, can resort to and evolve narcissistic and even psychopathic behaviours and traits in order to cater the whims of their "loved" ones; in anomic societies and depraved cultural or religious settings, people with a conformist bend tend to adopt antisocial modes of conduct and personal style so as to "fit in" and belong.

How can we tell whether one's narcissism is of the ephemeral, derivative variety - or an integral, immutable, and inalienable feature of his or her personality? By applying the test of "Three Rs": Remorse, Remediation, and Restoration. 

To qualify, remorse has to be expressed repeatedly and must be heartfelt. It should entail a modicum of sacrifice, embarrassment, and inconvenience. Regretting one's misdeeds in public is more convincing than sending a private missive or whispering "sorry" anonymously. Remediation requires making amends and offering reparations, which are commensurate with the offending acts and bear some symbolic relation to them. Thus, financial abuse can be absolved only with the aid of a monetary compensation that corresponds to the damage done and suffered. Finally, restoration involves affording one's victims the opportunity for closure, if not forgiveness, so that they can move on with their lives. 

True narcissists and psychopaths fail the Three Rs test at every turn: their remorse is feigned and ostentatious; they provide little or no recompense; and they never put themselves at the victim's disposal to allow her to achieve that she needs most: closure.

Remember this:

The Familiar is tempting -- but, it is a trap. The Unknown is terrifying -- but, it holds a promise. Your only chance at happiness, even survival, is to move on.

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)