Why I Perform at Open Mics — Angela Brett at Open Phil, 29 January 2019
Channel: Angela Brett
Date: 11/02/2019

I'm not a real rapper, but I am a real person. I am an actual person — I fart like a person. I like to speak on stage — I think I'm getting good, but I can handle criticism. I'll show you how I go and you can tell me if you think I'm getting better at the rap.

You can download this song at https://angelastic.bandcamp.com/track/why-i-perform-at-open-mics

If there’s one thing that’s lauded in the internet age, 
It’s if I want to be applauded I don’t need to go on stage. 
I could write shit in my bedroom, gathering tweets and shares and likes, 
but despite it I still head to gatherings known as open mics 

Because fuck it, our creations need a community, 
and luck is preparation meeting opportunity, 
so when Coldplay or "Weird Al" Yankovic come to town 
and every good opening act mysteriously comes down 
with a synthetic disease to which I have immunity, 
I'll be ready to please, dropping rhymes with impunity. 

‘Cause I’m a Master of Rhyme; 
I’ve got a Masters degree, 
and my thesis was a rhyming dictionary, 
so I'll be rapping my rants 
and you’ll be clapping your hands 
and flapping your panties 
that you happily planned 
to throw at fabulous bands 
and I’ll be nabbing their fans 
while they are crapping their pants. 

In real life I’m a hacker and I’m super science-knowledge-y: 
linguistics and mathematics and some microbiology, 
but I admit that in the latter I have lax methodology, 
and for that I say no matter; I present my apology. 
if your bladder had a splatter, don’t be mad; I tried urology 

So back to the point: my plan is all about practice. 
The knack to seem much better than any surviving opening act is. 
And that may sound unfettered and conniving, but the fact is 
they lack my well-honed stagecraft and immunoglobulin factors. 

because I’m 
perfecting my art 
and projecting my heart 
while collecting the hard-earned 
affection that’s marred 
by those correctly called 'artists' 
rejecting my protective injection, 
electing collective infection, ejecting a shart. 
And maybe I’m a chump who’s not much better than you 
but I’ll be number one while you’re going number two. 

I digress; I’m an open mic nerd; I require us 
to weary of hearing Free Bird, Miley Cyrus 
When merely a chord or a word can rewire us 
and everyone’s here to be heard and inspire us 
then I'll engineer a deferred norovirus. 

So now you understand why I’m facing my fears. 
I’m bracing to be panned while embracing my peers, 
so I’ve no stage fright when the big stars are here. 
There’ll be no cage fight; the choice will be clear, 
because I write each night, I can guarantee ya 
that my shite’s not trite, or second tier, 
and the light's so bright I can barely see ya 
and I’ll be the only artist without diarrhoea.

Both my performances from that open mic are in this playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJ-l6mr1dW0iN_DPFr11dtecZp9qji6Lx