How to Tell If Someone Is Manipulating You. #manupulation
Channel: GloferTube
Date: 2021-08-04

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Most family dynamics involve some degree of manipulation.

Some manipulative behaviors, like your mother’s yearly guilt trip, are fairly harmless: “I spent 27 hours in labor bringing you into this world, so the least you can do is spend a few hours having a nice holiday dinner with your family.”

In a family with a healthy dynamic, you might crack jokes with your siblings and even recite your mother’s words before she can say them. Sure, she’s making an emotional appeal to get what she wants, but since you’re all on the same page, this tactic doesn’t trigger any negative feelings.

At the end of the day, you know you can directly express your feelings whenever you want.

But family ties evoke a lot of strong emotions, and some people make deliberate use of these feelings. They might, for example, exploit a weakness when they want you to do things you’d rather not do — including things that cause you pain.

The tips below can help you recognize common manipulation tactics and respond effectively.

What it looks like

Manipulation involves an attempt to control someone else.

You can generally boil it down to one common behavior: Someone wants you to give up something — time, a personal possession, autonomy, power, or anything else — for their benefit.

Recognizing manipulation within families can be particularly difficult when the person is a parent, older sibling, or relative who has some authority.

If you believe you’re supposed to do what they say no matter what, you might struggle to challenge this pattern, even in adulthood.

Invalidation of feelings

Someone who wants you to go along with their desires might try to make you believe your feelings don’t matter.

A family member might invalidate your feelings by:

not giving you a chance to share
interrupting or talking over you
dismissing your concerns
reprimanding or punishing you for showing emotion
telling you how you should feel
For example, you tell your mother you won’t attend your grandmother’s birthday party because you know that the cousin who abused and bullied you in childhood will attend.

She replies by commenting on how selfish you are: “Haven’t you forgotten about that by now? It was so long ago. Nothing’s going to happen at a party, so can’t you just be polite for a few hours?”

Her continued attempts to persuade you invalidate the pain and distress you experienced, leaving you hurt by her lack of support.

Emotional blackmail

A family member using emotional blackmail will make a deliberate appeal to your feelings to try and convince you to do what they want.

This tactic follows a clear pattern:

They make a demand.
If you resist or outright refuse, they pressure you into giving in. This often involves flattery or threats designed to engage your emotions or sense of obligation.
When you agree to do what they want, they might “reward” you with kindness and affection.
This won’t last, though. Now they know you’ll go along with what they want if they use the right tactic. So, they likely won’t hesitate to blackmail you again.

Gaslighting

A pattern of gaslighting often leaves you confused, doubting your memory, and questioning your perception of reality. Over time, this manipulative tactic can have a serious impact on your self-perception and mental health.

Someone trying to gaslight you may:

counter your memories by denying events (“I never said you were stupid. How could you accuse me of that?”)
insist they told you something important when they didn’t
pretend to forget they made a promise
try to convince you something never happened (“Your father never punched any wall. You must have dreamed that.”)
insist you’re imagining things or lying
Guilt-tripping

People often use guilt to get you to take responsibility for something that isn’t your fault. When you feel guilty, you’re more likely to do what the other person wants. This includes trying to resolve the problem for them.

Guilt isn’t always malicious. In fact, feeling guilty when you’ve done something wrong and someone expresses their feelings to you isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

But when a family member regularly uses guilt to make you feel bad or do things you’d rather not do, this usually suggests manipulation.

Withholding affection

A family member offering conditional love or affection will demonstrate kindness and other caring behaviors only when you do what they want.

The bottom line

Addressing problematic behaviors with a manipulative family member sometimes improves the situation. If it doesn’t, just remember: You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change.

You might feel a sense of duty toward your family — but in the end, you have to put your own well-being first. You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you.

Sometimes, loosening (or snipping) your family ties is the healthiest option.