Akari Time E13 - Off Day
Channel: Sean Akari
Date: 2020-09-08

[It’s 100 and something degrees outside, so the camera might fog up a bit.]

I’m Sean Akari and this is Akari Time. 

Russian Youtuber makes a huge explosion with 10,000 liters of coca-cola. 

[Next week KGB vil make huge explosion with 10,000 pounds of plutonium, that one’s sure to go viral.]


Former panera bread employee stuns customers with a list of menu items they should never order. 

Mac n cheese, soup and anything with bread. 

[So basically the whole menu. I’ll have the Panera...gluten free exit. Do you know if there is anything else that’s good around here? ] 

Chain establishments are going to insert non-disparagement clauses in their contracts moving forward.

What’s that? 

[A rule that says you can’t talk shit about your job. But isn’t that the point? You’re supposed to hate your job so you can go on to do other things you want to do…like not get bossed around.]

The coronavirus doesn’t follow hard-and-fast rules about infection, and neither should you. 

[That’s right, sometimes slow and gentle can feel really good too. ]


The Batman star Robert Pattinson reveals what Christian Bale said to him about taking over the role. 

[Don’t use: “THIS VOICE, UNLESS...YOU WANT...PEOPLE TO THINK YOU HAVE CORONA VIRUS.]

To which Robert replied: “Oh snap, I was just like kidding. Looks like it happened. I don’t know if its like permanent but at least the movie’s like shut down because I have like Corona virus. Ugh.  

[If that’s any indication, I think he’ll beat Covid pretty well.]



In Politics, 

Trump won’t read intelligence reports but he enjoys the pictures, Officials say. 

[Wrong. Fake News, I read magazines all the time. I read the very bestest magazines. I really like to read the ones with fold outs in the middle. No one reads more Fake news than me.]



There’s a new term in politics and it’s called...the Nancy Palosi. 

That’s where you do the thing you tell others not to do. 

[Reminds me of my parents. Huh Ma, huh Pa?]

Want to see my impression of Nancy Palosi? 

[Don’t do as I do, do as I say. (Can I get another filler).]

It was clearly a setup.

I think the salon owes me an apology. 

The blame game is fun.


(And that’s all I’m gonna say on that). 

[Because it's inconvenient. ]




In the latest buzz, 

Scientists find that insect repellent can kill Covid-19. 

[That explains why it’s been flying off the shelves.]

One bottle is all it takes to kill Covid-19.

[Along with every organ in your body.]

I can’t believe I have to say this. DO NOT Drink Insect Repellent.

[Unless you are an easily swayed nincompoop with no intention of living. While you’re at it, please continue to harass the waitstaff and employees at establishments that are doing their best to follow the social distancing rules and protect your safety. Please let them know how much you hate them for imposing on your liberties. And then buzz off or piss off, or even take a swig of OFF Deep Woods...the best bug spray you can buy...according to Amazon Reviews.]
 
 
This is my last opportunity to wear white for a while. 
[Trust me, “white” has not been in fashion this year.]
````````````
I’m Sean Akari and this is Akari Time. 
 
[Hope you had a fun-filled labor day in the sun. I spent mine in the bat cave making this. 
(breath)
That’s all for this one. Have a good one.]