Whatever, Cupid
Channel: MCLargeHugeMusic
Date: 2011-11-30

An ode to my misadventures in online dating.

Beat Used: K-Murdock, "The Wu-Tang Joint"

Lyrics:

It shouldn't be a surprise that because I'm socially awkward
And no doctor that a lot of chicks think I'm a stalker
Not being buff or tough can make macking on girls rough
So when I had finally had enough, I went online to find love
But not the kind of websites with red lights
Although I've spent my fair share of time with them on lonely nights
It's a desperate plea for personal interaction
Wish I could print a redaction, cuz Attraction can't be manufactured
So I started with a site claiming to be harmonious
Loaded with testimonials of users getting matrimonious
Two cups of coffee and a hundred questions later,
"Sorry, Large, I guess you're on your own, you foul fornicator!"
The geek dating sites? Now there's an interesting social experiment
The selectiveness that should have been my benefit was my detriment
The girls on those sites are great, but all the guys are creepers
And thanks to guilt by association, I'm left up in the bleachers
Somebody told me to hit up craigslist, I thought, it's finally come to this
If I can't find anyone here I'm gonna be pissed
If nothing else, I'll find someone to alleviate my pervishness
Hold on; what do you mean, they got rid of adult services?
Ok, cupid, I'm putting my future in your wings now
She doesn't have to be a knockout, I'd settle for a ring out
But even these girls with whom I'm 95% compatible
Are talking at me like some sort of animal
I came up empty handed on match.com twice,
Didn't get a bite on FetLife; I know, impossible, right?
Skout and zoosk didn't treat me any kinder
I've even had bad luck on Ashley madison and Adult Friend Finder
I think it's time to take some time out and enjoy being single
Cuz I think the only site I haven't hit yet is Christian mingle
These hoops I've been jumping through is getting to be ridiculous.
I think my next relationship's gonna be serendipitous
That's it; I'm done stacking the deck, I'm gonna delete my account
But first I'm gonna see if anyone decent's been checking me out.