Our Guilt and Shame Stories are Never True
Channel: Dr David Maloney Psychotherapy
Date: 2020-11-15

Viwer Question on Guilt:
“I think about the failures of my life. I carry them with me. Mostly I think about the mistakes I’ve made with my children and how I’ve failed them. After the breakup of my marriage I was under massive financial strain. I spent all my time working (two jobs) that I never had time to see them. I was also going through depression at the time and had started drinking excessively. I don’t want to make excuses for myself, however. Now, I feel the damage has been done and I will never be able to build a deep connection with my children. I want to be more involved in their lives, but I feel that they’ll reject me now. I can only see us drifting apart more and more and this kills me emotionally.”
Answer:
The belief here is that the damage is done and there’s no hope.
This is a belief that needs to be questioned thoroughly. With courage, you can do this!
The motivation to question this belief is ample. Look at the cost of this belief:
It is taking a massive tole on you emotionally (guilt, shame, regret, despair).
It is influencing your behaviour and decision making; It’s actively making sure that no reconciliation takes place with your children.
It is distorting your perception psychologically: it shows you a one-sided account of the past. It shows you only the mistakes you made without any context and it negates anything positive you did.
Realize that this guilt is not serving you or your children. In fact, it is hurting you all.
Imagine who you would be without this belief or this guilt. Would you be emotionally freer? Would you feel more motivated to try again with your children? Would it free up psychological space in your mind?
Consider the possibility that none of this story is true! Now, there’s no need to try to convince yourself that you were father of the year. But, could the truth be much more subtle and complex than your inner critic is suggesting?
Maybe the damage is not done. Maybe the pain and emotional suffering is done?
Maybe the healing is now done and you’re in a better place to connect with them?
Maybe there is hope?
You are only a belief away from a completely different life.

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Dr. David Maloney is a Psychologist and therapist. His has trained in a variety of techniques (person-centered, Gestalt, ACIM, psychodynamic) and works with people on a wide variety of issues. His main areas of expertise are in self-esteem, motivation, and relationships.