Modern-Day Manhood? Tiny Coffees and Tight Lycra Pants
Channel: Daily Insight
Date: 2021-02-13

When I was a kid, I used to go to the tuckshop (or school canteen for those of you who don’t know what a tuckshop is) and buy myself a sausage roll for like 80 cents and a can of coke for 50 cents. The sausage roll came with a free squirt of tomato sauce which the tuckshop lady always stuck inside the sausage roll. But just the other day I saw a guy in a business suit sitting in a cafe and he ordered basically what I would call a sausage roll on a plate for like $27. But of course it wasn’t called a sausage roll, it was called something like Pâtisserie de Sauságe or something equally pretentious. Plus the sauce wasn’t free. You had to pay like an extra three bucks for a dollop of hand made salsa di pomodoro. Essentially, just a spoonful of crushed tomato on the side of your plate. Also on the plate, there was like three green peas and a couple of slices of caramelised carrot. Of course he didn’t use his hands to eat any of this. He used a knife and fork. He sat there eating a single pea at a time, dipping a small portion of his Pâtisserie de Sauságe into the salsa. He then ordered a coke for like five bucks, but of course, it wasn’t just a normal sized can of coke. It was like one of those mini cans. He didn’t even touch the can. The waiter opened it for him and poured it into an oversized glass with an equally oversized straw. He sipped on that while eating his peas, sausage roll and salsa, stood up, looked at his reflection in the window, straightened his tie, brushed his hair with his hand, and strutted off. I almost gave him a standing ovation. It was quite the performance. A couple of days later, I was walking past the same cafe, and there was a bunch of Lycra-clad middle aged men with their bicycles lined up in a row. They were sipping on their tiny little coffees, Babyccinos I think they were, caffeine-free of course. What were they, about five or ten dollars a pop? When I was a kid, men used to ride motorcycles. They wore black bike leathers. They drank full-sized cans of coke, and ate their sausage rolls in their hands. Now modern-day men have swapped out their motorbikes for overpriced pushbikes, cans of cokes for caffeine-free babyccinos, black bike leathers for brightly-coloured tight-fitting Lycra, and sausage rolls are now being served with three-and-a-half green peas and a caramelised carrot on a plate. F**k me!

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