Narcissism's Loose Ends
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2020-11-15

Narcissist's (universal) Transaction Rules

As long as you regularly provide me with at least 2 out of 3 Ss (Sex, sadistic or narcissistic Supply, Services/money/power), I am your unboundaried doormat and you can walk all over me and otherwise misbehave as you please.

Give me only 1 of the 3 Ss or none and I will sadistically abuse you, test you to the breaking point, and punish you for failing.

Threaten to abandon me or attempt it and I will either hoover you or, failing that, stalk you.

Try to bargain with me, change or fix me, set rules and boundaries, or insist on long-term commitment or investment and I am gone as soon as I can find someone to take your place.

**

Women - and to a lesser degree, men - who are cruelly rejected by their loved ones and intimate partners, sometimes go through two phases: 1. Acting out, followed by 2. Sublimation.

The first phase involves reckless and self-destructive self-trashing: punishing oneself for one’s failure to hold on to one’s relationship or marriage. For example: women rejected by men they love often consort with lowlife scum. The temporary boost to self-esteem and the gratification of both sexual and emotional needs typically come replete with a high price tag: from rape to STDs.

Promiscuity and dissolution are followed by almost schizoid withdrawal and an obsessive-compulsive focus on religion, children, career, or activism. Sex aversion is common.

In this second phase, celibacy is coupled with growing addictive and self-soothing behaviors. Many remain stuck in this limbo for life, unable and unwilling to risk a repeat of the harrowing cycle in a new liaison.

**

Faking it is a form of virtue signaling: it requires sustained efforts, commitment, and investment in the relationship, however faux it may be.

Moreover: it is a predictable behavior and conforms to social norms of conduct and mores (it is communal and prosocial). If you are aware of what’s happening, you can even enjoy the ardent courtship, the attention, succor, and time together with the faker: you get to decide on when and where to grant the thespian desperado his most fervent wishes.

The flip side is true as well: people who refuse to fake, pretend, play along, and white lie are either sadists or rabid misanthropes: bad news in either case. They hold you in such contempt that they see nothing in you and of yours that is of the slightest interest to them.

Refusing to partake in the social game of hide and seek is a form of grandiose haughtiness and a resounding slap in the collective face - and in yours as well. He who declines to even fake it when with you is sending you this message: “Your sex, your company, your mind, your love, companionship, or friendship, even your money are not worthy of even feigning the slightest interest in you or sunk capital on my part.”

Someone who refuses to fake is rejecting you lock, stock, and barrel and, probably, enjoying your humiliation to boot.

**

Nature arranges itself in ecosystems. Humans have an Egosystem - at least according to Freud.

The word Ego is egregiously misused by almost all “coaches” and “experts” online.

Persons with a strong Ego can objectively comprehend both the world and themselves. In other words, they are possessed of insight. They are able to contemplate longer time spans, plan, forecast and schedule. They choose decisively among alternatives and follow their resolve. They are aware of the existence of their drives, but control them and channel them in socially acceptable ways. They resist pressures – social or otherwise. They choose their course and pursue it.

The weaker the Ego is, the more infantile and impulsive its owner, the more distorted his or her perception of self and reality. A weak Ego is incapable of productive work.

**

Why do some narcissists rise to the top, are accomplished and successful while others, with an identical personality cast, fail miserably in every thing they attempt and in every dimension of their thwarted lives?

Any combination of two out of these three things distinguish the high-functioning productive narcissist from his loser brethren:

1. He is unusually gifted, endowed, skilled, or talented to the point that his unique contributions are indispensable or irreplaceable. His character flaws are attributed to his genius.

2. He tolerates people and interacts with them, even if only as passive acolytes, fans, and admirers. He somehow succeeds to collaborate with others or lead them and even inspire loyalty. He fakes normalcy and empathy and hides his cynical and misanthropic contempt or his strictly self-interested agenda.

3. He is persistent, goal-oriented, focused, one track minded, committed, invested, and a hard worker. He is as self-destructive as any narcissistic slacker - but he first builds and only then demolishes.

**

MINNIE AND I WISH YOU GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK WHEREVER YOU ARE!