When I was a Grad
Channel: Necarion
Date: 2016-07-14

From "An Evening of Hilbert and Sullivan", May 6, 2016

Soloist: Casey Glick
Piano: Daniel Alley
Chorus: Katherine "Kat" Feller (Soprano), Robert Clarke (Tenor), Alexander Ewing (Bass)

A concise explanation of how I, John Remington Rems, became an Esteemed Professor of Science, a Giant in my Field, and fount of scholarship, integrity, and modesty.

When I was a grad
-Words by Casey Glick, December 2011
-Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan: “When I was a lad” from 
 Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore
 
When I was a grad, I worked a year
Keeping Social Hour stocked with beer.
My weekly emails set the mood
With promises of alcohol and of free food.
     With promises of alcohol and of free food

The drinking went so splendidly,
That now I’m a professor with a PhD
     The drinking went so splendidly,
     That now he’s a professor with a PhD


The beer I did so well supply
That I soon I was promoted to a GSI*
My teaching post I so abhorred
I mumbled all my lectures right into the board.
     He mumbled all his lectures right into the board

The blackboard learned so well, you see,
That now I’m a professor with a PhD.
     The blackboard learned so well, you see,
     That now he’s a professor with a PhD.


My teaching caused such wide dismay
The college elevated me to head TA.
I made sets due the day of the exam
And scheduled all the lectures right at 8 AM.
     He scheduled all the lectures right at 8 AM.

The students so despised me
That now I’m a professor with a PhD.
     The students so despised he
     That now he’s a professor with a PhD. 


So many students dropped en masse
That I rewrote the textbook for the intro class
I imitated Jackson’s style
And obfuscated points I knew were most worthwhile
     And obfuscated points he knew were most worthwhile

My book it so lacked clarity
That now I’m a professor with a PhD
     His book it so lacked clarity
     That now he’s a professor with a PhD


In writing texts I proved such a force
That I was made reviewer for a funding source.
I funded those who’d cite my book
Rejecting other grants without a second look.
     Rejecting other grants without a second look.

Those grants they so well cited me
That now I’m a professor with a PhD
     Those grants they so well cited he
     That now he’s a professor with a PhD


Now students all, your fears allay,
If your heart is set on heading up a lab some day
Just listen to my simple scheme
And graduate with honors and your self-esteem
     And graduate with honors and your self-esteem

Just answer with: “It’s trivial to see”
And you all may be professors with a PhD
     Just answer with: “It’s trivial to see”  pause
     And you all may be professors with a PhD


*GSI = Graduate Student Instructor