"Hoovering": Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2012-10-29

Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html

The narcissist seeks out his old Sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their erstwhile and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would not do even that had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!).

Contacting a discarded source of supply requires its re-idealization. When he dumped and abandoned the old source, the narcissist devalued it: he convinced himself that the defunct source was low-quality, inferior, deficient, defective, hostile, or otherwise "not such a big loss." Now, the narcissist has to recant this appraisal and re-idealize the source without admitting to having been mistaken. To preserve his grandiosity and sense of omniscience, the narcissist comes up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source.

Examples:

Devaluation phase: I am leaving her because she is abusive.

Re-idealization: She may have abused me, but she meant well; whichever way she acted, it was with the best intentions.

Devaluation: I am highly intelligent and can't maintain a relationship with a stupid person.

Re-idealization: She may be naive and gullible, but that renders her original and authentic.

If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. It may be flattering, perhaps sexually arousing. Try to overcome these feelings.

Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you -- keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you -- listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Return his gifts unopened. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS to be avoided.

One should be careful not to romanticise the narcissist. His remorse and good behaviour are always linked to fears of losing his sources.

Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one's enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked.

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)