When Narcissist is Rejected by Peers
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2023-08-12

Pathoetiology via peers mainly in adolescence 

Idiosyncrasies (e.g. autism, obesity, gender dysphoria, gifted) lead to peer rejection. 

Stunted separation-individuation leads to peer rejection and life-threatening shame.

Cognitive dissonance resolved: I am rejecting them because I am superior to them. I am a sage, a hero, a victim. 

Peers provide reality testing and scripts. They serve as a modeling reference group. Mutual rejection results in cluelessness, pseudo-stupidity, automatism, and compensatory fantasy (including imaginary peers, for example on social media or VR). 

Splitting defense (peers are all bad, I am perfect)

Fantasy defense

Dissociation

Displaced passive-aggression

In short: covert narcissism 

Conflicting parental messaging and modeling: the world is not safe, we need you, you owe us (conformity) vs. you are abnormal, what is wrong with you, start to act your age and make friends (normalcy). 

This leads to recurrent failure and an impaired sense of self-efficacy.

Narcissists misperceive their intimate partners as maternal figures and rejecting and retraumatizing peers (reenactment, akin to living history). 

This yields age-inappropriate behavior and triggers all the defenses. It helps the narcissist to devalue and separate. 

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