03. Like the Breaking of Glass (From UCB PCN 46: "Salamin ng Puso")
Channel: Cal PCN 46 Music Composition
Date: 2022-10-14

UC Berkeley's PCN 46: "Salamin ng Puso" Official Soundtrack is available on Spotify, Apple Music, and iTunes now!
Link: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/pilipinxculturalnightatucberkeley/pcn-46-salamin-ng-puso

“Like the Breaking of Glass”
Written by Jo Alvarado
Performed by Isabela Colmenar

LILA
When I was young
I wanted to see the world through my mama’s eyes
She bought me a camera because 
she wanted me to experience
the world for myself
But instead 
I would just capture 
the people, places, things that she would stare at
She would get this look in her eye
the kind that looks like remembering

Then,
she would shake her head and turn away
running away from her thoughts
her memory
I’ve never felt lonelier than when I’m with her
As if I was grasping at a ghost
And so
when her back was turned
I would take a photograph of these objects of her perception 
Jealousy to my fingertips

Later,
in the corner of my childhood room
I would scour these photos
to find remnants of her
As if I could piece together
her silences and somehow I would be able to understand her
Everything I’ve ever created has her in it 
but she remains on the borders
always trying to escape

How can I resent her when all she’s known is leaving? 
How can she resent me when this is all she’s taught me? 
I’m leaving, yes, but at least I’m running toward something
Something, someone, that feels like home
Is it cruel to say that her name always meant survival and never safety?
Is it selfish to ask for a love I can recognize? That I can hear?

Growing up
she would always say “utang na loob” 
Utang na loob, 
I have so much absence inside me that I’ve become her
I owe her for everything that I am
But what can I do
when I’ve grown to hate who I’ve become?
What can I do when I see her
not myself
when I look into the mirror?
How do I get to the other side of her?
I think
I’m just trying to find my way out.

---

What is PCN?

PCN, or Pilipinx Cultural Night, is a student-run theatrical production hosted by UC Berkeley’s Pilipinx-American Alliance. The production allows participants to explore their Pilipinx identity through creative mediums such as dance, acting, and music. By holding PCN every year, we hope to provide a creative space for our cast to learn and grow. At Berkeley, we also choose to use PCN as a platform for activism and education on Pilipinx hxstory, culture, and current issues.

PCN HXSTORY @ UC Berkeley

PCN started in 1976 at the YWCA on Bancroft and Bowditch. The original show was a community dinner with traditional/folk dances that included a cast of about 10-15 members. In the 1980s, the show evolved into a full-scale performance, and by 1989, the Pilipinx American Alliance became the first student group on campus to hold a performance in Zellerbach Hall. Since then, the UC Berkeley Pilipinx community has continued to foster the annual tradition of Pilipinx Cultural Night.

About PCN 46:

PCN 46 tells the story of a family searching for and redefining “home”. 

Lila, an artist, is preparing to leave for New York with partner Hiraya, in search of opportunity. She struggles to tell her mother, Uma, and her grandmother, Anya, about the move. Frustrated, Lila faces internal and external conflicts with Hiraya, Uma, and Anya. 

As Lila is met with mixed reactions- Uma's defensiveness and disapproval, in contrast to Anya's support and care- these women are forced to reckon with the lifelong, generational traumas that have been interwoven in their “normal lifestyle."  Looking into their destructive family, we get a glimpse into how this cycle has rendered them both victims and perpetrators, simultaneously complicit and hurt.

Amidst building the foundations, they reflect on themselves and one another, in pursuit of new definitions of home, and new ways to love and be loved. The characters and audience are called to ask: "What does love look like? To what extent is It hereditary? How do we break cycles?"