Overcome Narcissist Aftermath: Your Grief is Shared Fantasy, too!
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2023-06-07

Grieving in the wake of narcissistic abuse is a fantasy. We mourn the shared fantasy via a fantasy of grief. 

We internalize the narcissist’s snapshot of us which started off as a mental representation of reality and then became an idealized, fantastic, constant, internal object. We do it to both please the narcissist and to answer the question: what does he want from me? (Lacan’s neurotic fantasy).

Self-contained vs. incorporating fantasy: reality repressed or reframed (cathected fiction, symbols, signifying structure), involves compensatory wish fulfillment (future) or reconstruction (past): erotic, aggressive, self-aggrandising, ego-syntonic, soothing (defensive, to avoid trauma, Lacan), and experimental (testing out scenarios safely).

In a shared fantasy, these roles are outsourced, allowing for passivity and a sense of safety and stability. In this sense, the intimate partner in a shared fantasy is rendered a borderline.

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