Exulansis
Channel: Devin Schiro
Date: 2023-03-09

Twenty years ago, at the stroke of midnight on December 31st, my family took turns recording their New Years resolutions. You can hear the hope in their voices. A beautiful gesture, no doubt, but one that unsettles me all the same.

After stumbling upon the tape months ago, I’ve been dwelling on it ever since. Ruminating on the futility of change. To find myself confronted with these public prayers of earnest longing, and to be all too cognizant of the epilogue to a story that was still being written, demands a reconciliation with the cautionary tale that were my parents’ fatal flaws.

My father; wanting to improve his family’s quality of life. And yet, being unprepared to exhibit anything resembling the self-discipline required to prevent the inevitable dissolution of the nuclear family of his invention. 

Our grandparents; wishing for the longevity that would allow them to bear witness to the comforting sight of my sister and I taking a secure station in adult life. An arbitrary point on a timeline whose existence leaves me dubious.

Finally, my mother; whose words on the surface seem innocuous, but denote a philosophy which crippled her. “I want to get skinny to change my whole life around.” As if the retention of her former allure had any bearing whatsoever on the broader quality of her relationships, and life. If anything, this misguided intention only plunged her deeper into reclusion, and isolated her until her final days.

What am I to do now, standing in the garden of these forking paths? It’s impossible to say with certainty which road leads towards the happiest ending. Of one thing, however, I am sure: that I am compelled to start walking. 

I cannot be here any longer. Each corner of every neighborhood is a reminder of the loss. Even my beloved local trails have become tainted by the memories, as the places I fled seeking respite from the daily bouts of sorrow. I’ve carried this all for too long, and now my time is up. The train is coming. No one can save me but myself. It won’t be a path easily traversed. But if anything is worth saving, then…this is it.