How Narcissist Abuses Your Love, Rejects It (Borderlines, Codependents, People-pleasers, too)
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2022-12-30

What is common to NPD, BPD, dependent personality disorder (codependents), people pleasers, parentified children? Bad object internalization.

Early on in life, some children internalize a bad object whose main message is “you are not lovable”. They learn to associate love with rejection and hurt.

Later in life, as adults, the bad object affects mate selection with a preference for rejecting, abandoning, dysregulated, and withholding intimate partners.

The introjects in such people compel them to either avoid reciprocated love (insecure attachment style) or to deny love as a form of sadistic abuse by weaponizing frustration.

Another coping strategy involves projective identification: manipulating and baiting lovers, spouses, and friends to the point of betrayal, thus affirming the bad object and fulfilling narrative expectations (comfort zone).

Bad object adults have both alloplastic defenses (feel victimized) and autoplastic defenses (they deserve to be hated and betrayed).

They regard themselves as innocent babes: everyone else it tasked with safeguarding and promoting their wellbeing and interests, protecting their emotions, and catering to their needs, totally disregarding their soul-destroying and egregious abuse.

Regardless of their chronological age, they are never the adults in the room.

Being unlovable in one’s mind causes a lot of anxiety and paranoid ideation: you can trust no one to love you and to have your best interests in mind. You anticipate the worst and preemptively act to bring it about (“let the other shoe drop”).

You cannot trust your judgment of people owing to the cognitive distortion field of the bad object.

Example: many narcissists, in a shared fantasy, grandiosely trust that they are so special that regardless of their abuse, no one will cheat on them, retaliate, or betray them.

Such people mislabel and misinterpret their “anxiety artifacts” as emotions: heartbreak, love, dysregulation, somatization are all actually transformations of anxiety.

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