Burrow
Channel: Edward Rapley
Date: 16/06/2020

If you follow this simple recipe then you too will feel the benefits of my method, developed over many years of trial and error. Mostly error.

You will need to stop up your ears with wax. I have found that buying a multi-pack of mini-baby bell will furnish you with enough soft wax to completely seal the ear canal. This serves several purposes. Blocking out sound obviously, but more importantly later on it will prevent the ingress of mud and insects.

Next you will want to cover your eyes. They are soft and vulnerable. Where you must go they will be absolutely useless. Cheap swimming goggles will do. You will need to affix them to the head with tape. Shave your hair first, shave it to the skin, all of it, eyebrows are not your friends. Gaffer tape is best, electrical tape will do. Sellotape lacks the necessary staying power. Sight isn’t any use, like I said so don’t worry about taping over the goggles. Better that way actually.

Ok now bind your hands. Get a stout pair of garden gloves. Wrap your dominant hand first, the second one will be more tricky and it will be to your advantage to have the use of your more dexterous digits even encased as they will be. You might need to devise a system for dispensing the tape before hand. A stick in the ground, a loop of string, you’ll work it out. Bind each hand with many layers, stiffen them up, it's all added protection.

Now you’re ready to borrow. You’ll need to be some place secluded and with soft ground. I do not recommend your front garden. A quiet woodland, an unpopular beach, in colder climates you will simply have to dress warmer and make do with a snow drift (just make it a deep one.)

Once you have selected your site and arrived and donned the equipment as described, then it is time to dig. You will need to concentrate and not allow yourself to be distracted by anything. No cause internal or external can sway your course. Dig directly downwards until either the tunnel collapses or you reach a state of complete exhaustion. Either way your final act should be to pack as much dirt around your head as possible. This will serve as insulation.

Trust that the earth will provide, that the body will enter a state of deep hibernation, that the mind will drift away soon enough.

This is how you will spend your 30s.