Assertive Communication for Better Relationships: Train yourself to communicate what you need to
Channel: NurseKillam
Date: 29/01/2013

Learn tips for assertive communication that will help you in the workplace and at home. Assertiveness training is important.

As professionals we need to advocate for the rights of our clients. This role means we can't be passive communicators. We must be able to deal with conflict instead of avoiding it. 

It is important as professionals to learn the difference between aggressive and assertive communication. In this video some tools and tips for being assertive will be presented. 

You don't want to be aggressive.  Aggressive people do not respect the rights of others. They try to dominate conversations and use "you" statements. They often use anger or aggressive non-verbal behavior to bully other people into feeling guilt or shame.

Assertive communication allows you to stand up for your rights without impinging on others. It is responsible way to say no, to ask for what you want; to express positive and negative feelings, to initiate, continue and terminate relationships. 

In assertive communication, use "I" statements. This approach will prevent emotional reactions from the person you are talking to. 

The DESC Script is one way to plan how to be assertive in difficult situations.

DESC stands for the key words in the four steps of this skill: Describe, Express, Specify & Consequences.

Describe the behavior: Clearly describe to the other person their exact behavior that is of concern. Be concise. If you talk too much it might confuse them or anger them, which makes your point less effective. Be sure to avoid making judgmental statements. Being judgmental causes the other person to become defensive, which means they won't listen to what you have to say.  

Then, Express your thoughts and feelings about the behavior that bothers you. Again, you want to be clear and concise. Make sure to use "I" statements.  Avoid sarcasm.

The person you are talking to is less likely to be offended by the second one statement. The first one sounds judgmental and is not open for them to clarify that they do care. 

Once you have expressed your feelings, Specify change in behavior you would like to see. Again, you want to be concise and clear. Be realistic. Avoid asking for changes in personality or attitude. 

Then tell them the Consequences of the positive changes. Tell them the positive consequences that will result for both of you if the person does change the requested behavior. Focus on positive consequences. Avoid threats or ultimatums.

Here is one more example: 

D: Yesterday when you did not show up for our meeting at 2pm I waited for the duration of our scheduled hour.   
E: It meant that I was not able to use my time well because I was unsure if you were going to show up late.     
S: Please send me a quick message to let me know if you are running late or need to reschedule our meeting. 
C: That way I can adjust my plans and we can continue our discussion at a mutually convenient time. 

The CARE approach is another way to take action in a calm, controlled, assertive way. It is very similar to the DESC script. CARE stands for Clarify, Articulate, Request, and Encourage. 

Clarify what the problem is. It is important to be specific about the behavior that is of concern. Focus on the behavior to be changed. 

Articulate: Why the behavior is a problem. State why their behavior is likely to hinder them, irritate others or how it makes you feel.

Request:  Respectfully request a change in behavior.

Encourage: Encourage them to change by offering the positive consequences of changing. It is best to focus on positive consequences here; however, in come cases you may also need to indicate the negative implications of failing to change.

You will notice that this acronym can also be applied to the previous example. Pick the acronym you like best and use it for practice. 

Another tip to remember as the conversation progresses is to replace BUT with AND. Take BUT out of your vocabulary. It makes a big difference. 

Although the difference is small, the second option it is less likely to cause an emotional reaction. The But in there makes it sound like you are disregarding what they said. 

Being assertive (not aggressive) will empower you to resolve conflict, advocate for you and your clients while improving relationships in the workplace and at home. 

It is also important to learn how to recognize early signs of a conflict and intervene before it escalates. Pay attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues of clients and colleagues to notice when a problem might be starting.