Nowhere to reach
Channel: JaysChaosCorner
Date: 15/05/2021

Nowhere to reach 

I am aware my needing of you has long gone.
Independent standing in a light filled room.
I keep searching and seeing
Shadows and demons
in every corner, waiting out my doom.

I keep seeing those shadows
Even when thinking I might not need them.

And I probably don't.
They say I do.
I can't believe them.
Every word is a clue
to my independence.

Not needing words of valueless interest.
I will still keep breathing.
Love I will keep receiving,
from everyone but that voice in my head.
Telling myself I am worthless instead.

Treat me with compassion and distress,
wanting me to grow
Like a flower
A seed.

Water me down, 
with loving I will only use to drown.
Hurricanes to wake me from my nightmares.
As they continue in broad daylight.

I just keep growing.
without seeing where I am really heading.
Seemingly knowing what I want,
Seemingly independent.
And I probably am.
Not needing the voices showering me with sorrow.

Always do shit right
The right way
No wrong turn ahead,
all happens for a reason.
It does, right.
I am unsure.
No, that is a lie. 
I know what I want, what I know.
Thats what I make them think I believe in.

The darkness slowly eating my flesh.
My eyes carved out, 
I do not see the sun.
Where should the flower turn too.
Suddenly dependent on words others describe,
stepping no foot aside.
Let me continue digging up holes
already vacant on the inside.

I will state my own independent being.
Only need my own two feet for standing.
I do not trust anyone around me.
Since they choose to love and respect me.

I myself feel worthless,
yet really only sometimes.
I hate myself and love others.
I hug myself a little tighter,
no suffocation.

Suffocating fire.
I wish someone would hold me
the way I hold others. 

Always judge yourself by your past,
not with others.
But what if I am only downgrading
with a higher number.
I cannot compete with what I was
what I am
Or will be.

I have no clue to where the world might take me.
Hand in hand.
All I know is that I am planing on staying.
I am here for long.

Although I am self- destructive.
My wish is never to die.
It is to live a little better,
and make it feel like I belong.

I am so independent
Only my thoughts understand me.
Me and my mind slow dancing in the dark sun.

I am so independent in my self- destruction
I cannot seem to carry myself home.
Keep picking up pieces I left behind.
Pieces of me.

I lift up my head,
turn around mid air,
Jumping into wounds i forgot where ever there.

Wounds never healed.
Slowly healing
needing of others approval.
Independent in my thoughts.
Dependent on their every word.

Dismember my own mind,
Tear my sensations to pieces.
Diving deeper into suffocation
with nowhere to go.

Maybe I can reach the end of the world
a place with only me,
and nothing else.
No matter how far I look or reach.