IR #05: CERN Announces Discovery of Densest, Heaviest Element in Universe
Channel: Level9News
Date: 2013-07-02

I wish I could take credit, but this is not totally my concept.  I don't know who the original author is, but I used creative license to adapt and embellish it for this video.  Hope you enjoy this 'spoof' : )

Scientists at CERN have Announced the discovery of the densest or Heaviest Element in the Universe:
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 100 assistant neutrons, and 435 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 535. 

These 535 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons. 

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact with. 

Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete....four years or more to finish or resolve. At which point the reaction no longer resembles or reflects a natural path but takes on unexplained physical properties.   

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 8 years.  It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. 

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming toxic isodopes. 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. 

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Fascidium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium but has half as many peons and twice as many morons.  Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.  

One characteristic of Fascidium is that it will no longer react with the lefton-like particles or, peons which it consumed in it's creation and exponentially creates more and more toxic isodopes which poison everything it comes into contact with.

Under an electron microscope, it looks something like this.

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