Parodies Michael Cohen House Hearing in Cold Open
Channel: √√ ‏Egyptian Academy for Martial arts
Date: 2019-03-03

Weekend Update: Michael Cohen's Congressional Testimony 
Stiller, as Cohen, said in his opening statement that he had help in writing it “from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book.’”

“I know that I was wrong,” Stiller said. “And I know it, because I got caught.”
He concluded with this missive: “But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide-awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.”

If this bit went over your head — and we wouldn’t blame you — Stiller was reciting lyrics from the song “Torn,” a ’90s hit for the Australian singer Natalie Imbruglia.

The main target of the “S.N.L.” writing team was Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio, the ranking Republican. The show brought in a pinch-hitter, one of its most famous alums, Bill Hader, to play a furious version of Jordan.

“You’re right that I’m angry,” Hader said. “I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirtbag flea circus. I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen, I’ve never even heard of you!” Hader said.
“Your mother has,” Stiller responded.

The rest of the sketch featured Democrats ceding their time to Jordan, hoping he would make a fool of himself, as well as a lampoon of Representative Mark Meadows of North Carolina, who at the testimony on Wednesday brought Lynne Patton, a black Department of Housing and Urban Development official and longtime Trump ally, to counter Cohen’s claim that Trump is a racist.

“S.N.L.” recreated the moment, with Alex Moffat portraying Meadows, and Ego Nwodim as Patton. With one problem, courtesy of Moffatt:

“Her name is Omarosa,” Moffat said, a reference to the former Trump aide, who is also black. Nwodim tried to correct him, but Moffat would have none of it.

Weekend Update Jokes of the Week
Colin Jost and Michael Che teed off on the Cohen testimony as well from the update desk, among other topics. At one point — perhaps illustrating the difficulty of mocking Trump — the hosts simply played clips of Trump giving his more than two-hour speech at the annual gathering of conservatives in Washington, CPAC.

Jost:

Did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. That’s how I felt about watching Michael Cohen testify in Congress.
Jost:

Cohen also provided Congress with copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to reveal his SAT scores. And while Cohen did not reveal what those scores were, let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.
Che:

Michael Cohen told Congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual but I am tired of Michael Cohen’s whole damsel-in-distress routine. “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole a United States presidency. Why are you acting like a [expletive] now? Your voice wasn’t trembling when you was threatening schoolteachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to Congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he is dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave “S.N.L.”
Jost:

This week, President Trump met with North Korean dictator — and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends — Kim Jong-un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-un used an interpreter, while Trump just spoke English, but louder.
Weekend Update Deskside Bit of the Week
We love a good character break, especially when it comes from cast members who typically hold it together. Jost led into the bit telling the story about a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughterhouse because of his ability to paint.

He invited the owners of “Smokery Farms Meat Gift Delivery Service,” on to comment: cousins Vaneta and Wylene Starkie, played by Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant. In deep Southern accents, the two lamented the preponderance of heartwarming animal stories.

“People going vegan left and right because the damn internet keeps showing people videos like ‘Pig Teaches Deaf Dog To Bark,
Ben Stiller, Bill Hader return to 'SNL' to lampoon Michael Cohen hearing