Stop People Pleasing
Channel: Charles Botensten
Date: 2018-11-28

We all have this urge in us to always get people's validation. You're the nice guy - you're the person everyone loves. At least that's what you think it is. This is something I tried to be for a long time, but eventually realized the flaw in this kind of thinking. What really is the flaw in this? I believe that people pleasers don't usually tend to be the happiest of people. Because they're not following what they want, or pursuing what they actually should be. Instead, they're basing their actions on people's validation. 

I read a book over the weekend, called No More Mr. Nice Guy, that shed some light on this topic. It's an approximately 300 paged book of pure gold. It revolves around the topic of following your own, and not always trying to please people. Here's a simple demonstration of this in my personal life: I often get calls from my friend around 12 am on a weekend night, or late night on a weekday - to hang out or go to the club. After years and years of caving in to what they want, I've finally realized to say no. Because I have to get you early in the morning to cycle, or to go to the gym. And I don't want to base my actions on just people pleasing anymore.

Of course, the idea of not being a people please doesn't mean you have to stop socializing altogether, or that you don't have to prioritize your friends or your relationships. It just means, you prioritize yourself and your needs over other people's expectations. 

It's hard to let go of your pattern of always following what other people want. If you were someone who was raised religious - like myself, who was raised Christian - you've already internalized the concept of conformity and people pleasing to seldom a toxic level. This can be hard to overcome for many people. It can take years of restraint, reflection and self awareness to be able to battle your own patterns and emerge a better person. As you grow up and begin to age, you'll go into either of the two directions: being more self confident and giving less hoots about people - or growing weaker in your spirit and depending more on people's validation. The latter is what you want to avoid at all costs if you're looking to achieve true contentment and happiness.

How does one stop? Evaluate yourself and your relationships with other people. Be aware of the interactions you have with other people on a daily basis. What are your dynamics with other people? Do you often end up doing thing against your own desires, at the whim of other people? What are you actually doing to people please? Is it giving you contentment and happiness to be pleasing other people, instead of going after you own desires. It's a lot of questions to ask yourself, I know, but this will be the beginning of you being your own authentic self. 


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Charles Botensten lives & works in New York City as the founder of a residential real estate agency. 
Passions: cycling, hockey, and personal development.