Why Can't You Breakup with the Narcissist?
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 13/12/2023

You stay with the narcissist not because you are moral, conscientious, kind, empathic, caring, loving, accepting, non-judgmental, and supportive.

You stay with him for selfish reasons, because he caters to your needs, some of which are: 

You are narcissistic and love to behold yourself idealized through his gaze

You need to be needed

Victimhood makes you feel good, you like to be a victim (self-destructive and self-harming, masochistic, or entitled)

Virtue signalling

You control the narcissist from the bottom with your feigned helplessness, clinging neediness, and emotional blackmail

You are a gold digger

You can have other men 

You feel superior to him (pity him)

You feel safe with him: even the abuse is predictable and he is always confident and authoritative

He is a parental figure

You have no other preferrable alternative

The codependent believes that her neediness and helplessness guarantee her partner’s presence in her life and interest in her wellbeing.

There are 2 ways to keep the narcissist tethered to you and addicted to the shared fantasy: 

1. Tell him how great and unique he is; or

2. Tell him how needed and indispensable he is.

The narcissist fears your personal autonomy and agency and disdains your dependency and emotionality. 

There is no winning strategy with the narcissist.

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