Andrew Yang, polarization, being an outsider, caregiving, and life
Channel: Andrew Hicks
Date: 2021-10-09

The other day my grandma asked, "Are you gaining weight?" to which I replied, "If you're asking me that, I guess I am."

Same day, my mom said I looked homeless.

So there's really no hiding how much I've been getting my ass slapped around by life this year.

I say "life" but it's not life's fault.

It's gotta be mostly an issue of wiring, attitude, perspective, cognitive habits, and ill-fated coping mechanisms.

I don't know. When you wake up one morning and you're 40 and you're still struggling with the same shit you've been dealing with for just about your whole life...

It's not easy to be optimistic. Without optimism I start to feel sorry for myself, and it only gets uglier from there.

Just start to wonder, "Is this all there is for me? Is this the best I can do?"

I'm uncomfortable in my body.

I'm paralyzed by just about anything outside my comfort zone.

I'm lonelier than I've ever been.

A year ago, I felt on top of the world.

I am 110 lbs heavier today, than I was then. And I feel every bit of it.

Hahaha. A year ago, I was launching a weight loss coaching gig.

Just gotta laugh.

On the bright side, for the first time in fifteen years of "trying" to meditate, I am finally starting to see benefits. I'm starting to see how it could become a lifeline.

I've been learning fascinating insights into trauma, and am going to try EMDR and neurofeedback in conjunction with talk therapy.

Been digging DEEP lately in journaling. Might be part of why I feel so beat up. Feeling things I've never felt before, for better and worse.

Recovery-wise, I am exploring Refuge Recovery, which is a Buddhism-based program. This is part of why I am getting deeper with meditation.

Recovery is anything but easy lately.

But one day at a time 'n shit.

So what's on your mind?