249. The Butter Battle Book (Croak and Crow's 8th Dr. Seuss book choice)
Channel: Croak and Crow
Date: 2022-02-05

14:05
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'The Butter Battle Book' by Dr. Seuss

On the last day of summer, ten hours before fall... my grandfather took me out to the Wall.
For a while he stood silent. Then finally he said, with a very sad shake of his very old head, 
"As you know, on THIS side of the Wall we are Yooks. On the far OTHER side of this Wall live the Zooks."
Then my grandfather said, "It's high time that you knew of the terribly horrible thing that Zooks do. 
In every Zook house and in every Zook town every Zook eats his bread with the butter side DOWN!

"But we are Yooks, as you know, when WE breakfast or sup, spread OUR bread," Grandpa said, "with the butter side UP. That's the right, honest way! Grandpa gritted his teeth. 
"So you can't trust a Zook who spreads bread underneath! Every Zook must be watched! He has kinks in his soul! That's why, as a youth, I made watching my goal, watching Zooks for the 'Zook-Watching-Border-Patrol!

In those days, of course, the Wall wasn't so high and I could look any Zook square in the eye.
If he dared to come close I could give him a twitch with my tough-tufted prickely Snick-Berry Switch.
For a while that worked fine. All the Zooks stayed away and our country was safe. Then one terrible day a very rude Zook by the name of Van Itch snuck up and slingshotted my Snick-Berry Switch!

With my broken-off switch, with my head hung in shame, to the Chief Yookeroo in great sorrow I came. But our Leader just smiled. He said, "you're not to blame. And those Zooks will be sorry they started this game. "We'll dress you right up in a fancier suit! We'll give you a fancier slingshot to shoot!" And he ordered the 'Boys in the Back Room' to figure how to build me some sort of a triple-sling jigger. With my Triple-Sling Jigger I sure felt much bigger. I marched to the Wall with much vim and great vigor, right up to Van Itch with my hand on the trigger. "I'll have no more nonsense," I said with a frown, "from Zooks who eat bread with the butter side DOWN"!

Van Itch looked quite sickly. He ran off quite quickly. 
I'm unhappy to say he came back the next day in a spiffy new suit with a big new machine, and he snarled as he said, looking frightfully mean, "You may fling those hard rocks with your 'Triple-Sling Jigger'. But I, also, now have MY hand on a trigger! "MY wonderful weapon, the 'Jigger-Rock Snatchem', will fling 'em right back just as quick as we catch 'em. WE'LL have no more nonsense. WE'LL take no more gupp from YOU Yooks who eat bread with the butter side UP!"

"I have failed, sir," I sobbed as I made my report to the Chief Yookeroo in the headquarters fort. He just laughed. "YOU'VE done nothing at all of the sort. Our SLINGSHOTS have failed. That was old-fashioned stuff. Slingshots, dear boy, are not MODERN enough. "all we need is some newfangled kind of GUN. My 'Boys in the Back Room' have already begun to think up a wallowing whizz-zinger one! My 'Bright Boys' are thinking. They're on the right track. They'll think one up quick and we'll send you right back!"

They thought up a great one! They certainly did. They thought up a gun called the 'Kick-a-Poo Kid' which they loaded with powerful Poo-a-Doo Powder and ants' eggs and bees' legs and deep-fried clam chowder. And they carefully trained a real smart dog named Daniel to serve as OUR country's first gun-toting spaniel. Then Daniel, the 'Kick-a-Poo Spaniel', and I marched BACK toward the Wall with our heads held up high while everyone cheered and their cheers filled the sky: "FIGHT! FIGHT for the Butter Side UP! DO or DIE!"

Well...We didn't "do". And we didn't quite "die". But we sure did get worsted, poor Daniel and I. Van Itch was there too! And he said, the old pig, "The 'Boys in MY Back Room' invented THIS rig called the 'Eight-Nozzled, Elephant-Toted Boom-Blitz'. It shoots high -explosive sour cherry stone pits and will put YOUR dumb 'Kick-a-Poo Kid' on the fritz!" Poor Daniel and I were scared out of our wits!



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