Narcissist Sees YOU as TWO WOMEN: Reframing Mortifications, Exiting Shared Fantasy
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 29/09/2020

Narcissist regards your love as a weakness, a vulnerability he can exploit and leverage to obtain supply, sex, and services and, if he is a sadist, to hurt you.

Women escalate and fail to get a rise out of him: he doesn’t mind or care.

The narcissist grieves the shared fantasy not you: his sunk cost (investment) and the inconvenience of having to start all over again. His mourning is aggressive and closer to fury that to pain and sadness.

Women are the only ones who can mortify the narcissist because he reframes their cheating and betrayal as total rejection of his entire being in every possible role (man, lover, companion, guru, husband, father, even provider). Men reject only specific functions and roles that the narcissist fails in (business partner, collaborator, friend). 

RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

Grooming and love bombing (including false promises)

Shared fantasy leads to narcissistic abuse type 1, intended to test the parental capacity of the partner and reenact early childhood conflicts with the narcissist's parents

Women cheat or betray discreetly, withdraw leads to narcissist stalks

OR

Women bargain and demand leads to narcissistic abuse type 2 (aimed at jettisoning the partner)

Women cheat ostentatiously, abandon

The narcissist reframes from internal to external mortification and back (vacillating mortification). Reason for vacillation: shared fantasy is ego syntonic and he feels wronged while the bargaining phase is ego dystonic and he feel that he is in the wrong.

The narcissist vacillates between an internal cognitive mortification (I am bad, evil, and rejecting) and an external emotional one (I experience my partner or others as bad, evil, and rejecting).

There is a kernel of truth in both mortifications.

In reality, women do reject, humiliate, and abandon the narcissist as a way to exit the shared fantasy or end the bargaining. It renders the external mortification plausible. But the truth is that women misbehave this way reactively, after he had rejected and abused them egregiously.

Following his abuse and rejection during the shared fantasy, the narcissist stalks women. During the bargaining phase he continues to abuse them in order to push them to cheat on him or betray  him ostentatiously and thus dump him. This allows him to: (shared fantasy) 1. Reenact the early conflict with my mother; 2. Help him revert to external mortification by rendering it somewhat more grounded in reality; (bargaining) 3. Get rid of his partner.

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