Toxic Help , Backhanded Compliments: Negging, Passive-aggressive Devaluation
Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin
Date: 2024-02-23

Negging or backhanded compliments are repeated and escalating insults and personal attacks disguised as compliments or even as flattery: compliment what you do but attack who you are.

They are meant to leverage your vulnerabilities and push your buttons. They can incorporate public shaming. They adversely affect self-esteem. 

Sadistic help is succor or advice that comes replete with extreme devaluation disguised as "tough love". 

Both involve brutal, dysempathic honesty and passive-aggression. Both are forms of intermittent reinforcement. 

Unfavorably comparing you to other people and insults disguised as collective criticism (criticizing you - not your actions). 

For example:

• “Well, don’t you look fabulous? I would never have the courage to wear my hair like that.”

• “I’m so proud of you for quitting smoking! Too bad you already have all those little lines on your face.”

• “Congratulations for winning the ice dancing competition! Maybe some day you’ll give a real sport a try.”

• In some culture being overweight is considered very attractive!

• People are attracted to intelligence, not necessarily to good looks.

• They are leveraging your narcissism and paranoia to play you for a fool

• Let me fix this for you. You have never been good with your hands.

• Being a good parent is not everything in life.

• Don't try to do it. You are not good at it.

• I don't mind the costs of being with you. That's what friends are for.

• This dress would look fabulous on you once you had lost some weight. 

Add you own examples.

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