Scott Lyons What is Weaponized EMPATHY??  Evoking PAIN & chaos in others
Channel: Visceral Gravitas
Date: 08/06/2023

excerpted from https://youtu.be/N56z9GHvM5k
https://www.drscottlyons.com/  @drscottlyons  

transcript:
I could never take in someone validating me 
weaponized empathy is a thing I started to notice 
that I never noticed it myself although in retrospect I absolutely did it 
I mean I wrote about it in the intro of my book 
when I staged my own suicide 
when I was a young teenager 
I was getting beat up 
I was like in a terrible after school movie 
like my life was where I was getting like pushed into lockers and punched all the time and told by teachers that I was really stupid 
it was gnarly and I would go tell my family and no one would listen 
they're like it can't be that bad 
you know there were a few people 
even I remember a guidance counselor who said I'm sorry 
like actually empathize
but I could never actually take it in 
I could never take in someone validating me yeah 
but what I could do and what I desired to do 

was for them to feel the level of pain I was in 
that was the closest to actually being able to receive validation to receive recognition 
for them to feel the level of pain I was in 

so staging it, putting the pills out, writing the note, you know,
doing all of that, and being found and being taken to a hospital 
for them to feel the level of pain I was in 
and of course word got out 
but I was so desperate to get out 
I was so deeply hurting and actually afraid for my life yeah 
and no one would believe me 
I didn't want to die but I wanted others to feel the pain that I was going through 
and  that was the way I could orchestrate it and it worked 
for them to feel the level of pain I was in 
that is a version of weaponized empathy 
I never recognized it until I started working more with clients 

like I had a wife come in of a couple that I was working with 
She should share this story about what happened and 
I would say I'm so sorry that that feels 
I can hear the pain and I'm I'm here with you in that 
and then she would just jump over it and go right into like 
and the next thing he did 
and then the next thing is 
it was dramatic narrative 
meaning that there's never any space to actually receive connection 
connection 

but what she could do was constantly harm him by bringing up all his past things that he did wrong 
and she would just pile them at him over and over again 
this affair you had 
this person you looked at 10 years ago 
and what she was doing so clearly 
was trying to bring him to the level of sadness 
that she couldn't make contact with in herself 
she couldn't be with her own feelings 
but she could make someone else get so low that she would suddenly feel more in sync with them 

there's never any space to actually receive connection 
but what I could do 
desired to do 
was for them to feel the level of pain I was in