Addiction and Relationships // Part 3 of 3
Channel: CJ Liu
Date: 06/01/2021

CJ Liu talks to Claudia Black, author of "It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adult". (https://www.amazon.com/Will-Never-Happen-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0345345940). Claudia explains that people sometimes don't understand that being addicted isn't about willpower and it's not about self-control. An addicts need to use blocks their ability to really think about how their behavior is impacting others. If they did they would be abhorred. There’s a psychological drive and pull to keep going back to whatever that behavior is. For example, when people get sober or clean, the self-hate can become so great because for the first time they can see how that behavior has impacted others. They may know see the child that doesn't want to have a relationship with them, their spouse is afraid of them, or how everybody's walking on eggshells.  

The personal shame is very hard and the addict must finally confront their negative self beliefs. They must come to terms with their harmful behaviors and the impact on their loved ones. While many family members minimize the pain because loved ones don’t want the addict to feel bad and return to their substance. Despite these good intentions, the whole family needs to be able to own their truth, in their own reality, in the right timing, with the help of a good therapist and counselor. 

Claudia explains that it’s not only the addict parent that can guilt and shame, but the non-addictive parent too. For example, she explains that a wife of an addict may feel that if they had been a better wife, that things might have been different. As a result they might compensate for that shame with anger and rage, being rigid and controlling, or finding a way to anesthetize themselves by allowing her children to become her best buddies and giving up my parental role. As a result, some kids feel more connected and attached to the addicted parent and maybe very angry with the other parent. 

Sadly, addicts generally pick spouses that enable them to re-do the whole pattern. For example, an addict would pick a spouse that's already learned how to tolerate inappropriate behavior, such as discounting his or her perceptions. This may come in form of a spouse who’s learned how to look cheerful even when he or she is hurting, or a spouse that has learned that it's not been safe to ask for help. Another common trait is a spouse that is fearful of conflict so does not raise their voice, backs down, or learn to deny, minimize, discount, rationalize, and pretend things are different than how they really are. 

SUBSCRIBE NOW
http://bit.ly/1qIcXi8

CONNECT WITH CJ
Facebook ➤ https://www.facebook.com/fireitupwithcj
Twitter ➤ https://twitter.com/FireItUPwithCJ
Fire It Up With CJ ➤ http://www.fireitupwithcj.com/
Coaching ➤ http://www.mywholelife.net