The Gazette of the state of South-Carolina — Charles-town [S.C.], 1784-09-06 00:00:00, page 2

From the Wit's Magazine.
Letter from Nonsense, wEh feme account
~of himfelf and family.
si k,
.J Think p^p+r to inform you thatl am father
1 of a most ancient, puiiEut, and honorable fa
mily, which' You have openly and avowedly en
tered into a combination to wound, injure, and
cefame, if not totally extirpate. My name, hr, is Non-
J e "J" ; at ^d a more revered, more renowned, m ore
applauded name, give me leave tc/Ey, Sir,' exists
not upoti the face of the habitable or uninhabitable
globe. New, underhand me, Sir. I fend rot this
in form of a petition, to beg you will f^metimes
grant meddmiftaned into your \\^ ',
it is defiance; I will be there in your despite, I
■ and my family. 'What, Sir, ffiall who cut so
conspicuous a figure in all Companies, hm tc and
illiterate; who can speak all languages, and upon
all fubjefts, without underftahding any of them,
and laugh heartily at jests I don't comprehend; I
who fill such ample space in English pamphlets,
French journals, German folios, and Oriental
ccclogus ; shall I be excommunicated from the
unholy pale of a thing called a Magazine, by an
"opftart who pretends he wants not my aid? pet
filly, rash mortal'! I really, Sir, am forty .you 1
not underhand the world and your own interct
better. Do you not know, that were you all you
'wiE, could you absolutely exclude and banish me
from the hallowed purlieus of a monthly Magazine,
;which is ricuculouslut to Eppdfe; know you not,
I fay, that there are, nevertheless, hundreds who
cpuid clap their thumbs upon me in every page,
and discover traces of me in every period? where
as. were I there in fall, these very fame critics,
with all their acuteness, would never fufpe& my
presence. 'Knew you not, Sir, that Nonfehfe is
Senie to some; and Sense, NonEnfe?
Consider iffy age, Sir; consider my power and
reputation in the world. . Where is the family to
which I am not allied ; What affair of consequence
has there ever happened, from the creation to the
present moment, in which I have ho hand? What
haiefman, what king, 'What priest, what poet,
what historian, has not fomethfres voluntarily, but
often will he rail he., fallen under my power? Do I
not, with an invisible but mighty arm, 'reign
over innumerable fouls who are uncohfeious of
my dominion? And, now frankly; do you not ;
Tuppofe it pofliblc that I laugh, and have you len
der my prevading influence, when you little
dream 1 am so near? Come, come confefs, confefs?
It cannot be supposed, I think, that I need long
intercede to become a servant to you, who am the
-of so many. My authority has ever been -
great and rejected; but in these latter ages, since
my cAfc connexion with the Emily &f fashion,
which, mighty though it is, has always conde
feended to be 'governed by me, my empire is
Toundlcfs, and my reign glorious. let me there
fore advise you to 'give me homhgedue ;' you
will find it infinitely to four advantage: and that
you may the more readily he inducc'd to this, I
will here fend you feme account of my familv.
The period of my marriage is so remote, that its
date is past the power of recollection: fuffice it
then to fay, in the beginning of time, I fell in love
with and espoused Folly. Never were lovers so
enamoured ; never was pair so happy; 'never f^as
couple so fitted for each other, so capable of ad
vancing each Mother's interests, or so indafatigable
in spreading each other's fame. Worthy were we,
and are we, of being held up as an example of
true conjugal felicity. Addicted as I am to write'
and talk, had I had any other wife, I muff have‘s
been miserable. Am I incomprehensible and con
fufed—the admires my depth; verbose and gar
rulous—ffie praises my precifio,; trifling with, and
wandering from the fubjeff—fhe is charmed with
my agreeable levity. Then she is ever ready to
laugh at my jokes, though she knew them every
one by rote in the days of Adam; and repeat my
bon-mets even oftener than I myfelf.
Nor is her power less extensive, less, confirmed,
or any whit inferior to mine. She it was' who
planned and projected the Tower of Babel: and
she has been famous ever since for beginning build
ings and leaving them unfinished; of which, bc
fidcs the famous one of the Louvre, I could give
you innumerable proofs. She it was who inspired
Alexander with the project of acquiring immortal
renown, by the deftruttion of people and nations
who never could have offended him, for they had
never heard of his name: and it was foe also who
bellowed upon him the title of great. Were I
to ei^me.ate her exploits, or the men who have
become mighty by anting under her direction, I
jbotild never finifh. Her schemes are infinite: and
what is more, have many ofthem infinite success:
The titles and honors she bestows are fought for
universally, and negle&ed or despised by none—
but those who cannot procure them. She it was
who firft imagined and made crowns, feeptres,
tiaras, turbans, and all the paraphernalia, by the
magic power of which men may be, and are, me
tamorphosed from atheihs into popes, cardinals,
and bishops; from usurpers into emperors; with
long and undcferibablf ct cwteras.
I intended, and I still intend to fend tor hints
concerning other branclies of our numerous and
leq)c&able family ; whom it will be your interest
to cherish, piaife, and ,employ: but my avocations
^fo many, that at present-I have no time. Ob
serve my orders^ and obey them, or tremble at my
influence. Insert this, and expert to hear again
next month from NONSENSE.
From the Royal Gazette.
To the Printer .ts the PUBLIC Anv-kENER.
SI R,
A FEW yeafs'ago some rules'were laid down
for red icing a great empire to ajkiall one, *
which being happily pursued, the success has.tex- :
ceeded exyedahen. But as the work may be made
more perky' I beg leave to continue the system,
and ftm-' ~ T a small empire may be made still
.a tne ouble of extensive -dominions moit
conveniently ntrufhed.'
First, As th trade and 'maEufacEres of this
kingdom ire of . consequence, without Imperial
Powers of hover m rights, take special care to
abridge the former Lit any hope of regaining
the latter. To ehect this with the greater certainty,
advise with refugees and deserters, who having no
prejudices to mislead or rc-fentments to gratify in
America, their information or advice, as in the
course of the late war, may always be depended
upon. , ,
Secondly, If it should happen that from predi
le&ion; sameness of language, religion, or other
attachments, the people of North America prefer
British manufactures, seek a friendly intercOurfe and
cultivate private friendflrip; ascribe it all to their
necessities, and the impoflibility of domg without
you. If you devise commercial reftri&ions while
they allow you perfect freedom oftfade, and they .
complain, tell them to go to their great and good
Ally, who will relieve them. They may probably
take your advice in time, and eafeyouof the unplea
sant burthen of such ah unwieldy trade : For what
pleasure or profit can there be in q trade which 'you
cannot monopolize, and with a people whom you
cannot govern? Betides, they dare not retaliate by
reciprocal exclusions or .heavy imposts.
Thirdly, If, notwithstanding, all yoUr mer
chants will make very large exports, give exten
sive credit, and press the manufactures of Gteat-
Britaih on America in a far greater proportion
than that country can consume, or find meahs to
p a y, you cannot aft more wifely than to abridge
those flendcr means, cut off every source of circtii
tous'rcmittance, confine them to a fevefe econo
my, and pundh your improvident' merchants by a
general bankruptcy. Then you will havp the plea- :
sure of reproaching the Americans for their base-;
neks find dishonesty in peace, as you did for cow
ardice in <var. ~ ,
Fourthly, As your %Vest Islands are of no con
sequence to ,you in point of navigation or revenue,
pay no regard to thcirteomplain,. Colonies you
know are always difeontented. Ls they spend all
their money here, it is because they cannot help
it. Ifthey are obliged to get proviiions'and lum
ber from America through the neutral islands, and
loathe sale of their rum, it does not enhance the
price of the former, or lessen the value of the latter.
The ebnfumer never pays the duties, Or feels the
weight of double insurance, freight, &c. and as to
the r4m, you may import that here, without any
disadvantage to f our diftiilcfs or corh trade. Be
sides the founds of Navigation A&, Palladium of
British PoWer, &c. are as fafeinating and influen
tial now, as Wilkes and Liberty, No. 45, were
twelve years ago, and.will be equally permanent.
If the Wed-India Islands, insensible to these solid
arguments, 'complain, refhohftrate to their Go
vernors, petition yourfclvcs, and state the almost
impoffibili|y of subsisting without a dire& inter
course with North America, despise their argu
ments, laugh at their complaints, and reje& their
petitions. You did so before witla America and
succeeded to your wishes. They do not know the
true interests of Gfeat-Britain, which may now and
then require them to starve pro bono publico. If
they tell you that Canada has seven months winter,
and Nova-Scotia is rocky and too unsettled to sup
ply them, they muff be assured the climate of
Canada will alter, and Nova-Scotia mend daily,
and at the end of seven pr ten years they will be
fully supplied, so that they have only to starve
patiently in the mean time.
Fifthly, If you find the French to issue arrets
and edicts similar to your own, then you have no
reason to be alarmed. They never court the Ame
rican trade or connexion, ©r have any interest to
detach you from them. Perhaps they may not
execute their arrets and edicts as you do your a&s
of Parliament and proclamation's: But what of
that, they look as well upon paper, and a sword is
a sword whether it is drawn or in the fcabbafd.
Besides, the French are allowed by yourselves to
hand preeminent in honefl policy and candour,
holding all duplicity and deception m the utinoft
abhorrence.
Sixthly, As the remaining colonies are become
mere valuable for those you have loft, support as
much despotism as you can in them. Let theirs
Governors imprison and oppress them at pleasure;
make large 'grants to a few individuals of the best
lands, that they may find convenient tenants in the
poor loyalists, who mull be fufficiently humbled
now, so as to present afpirihg to become landlords
or landholders. By such means you Will dispose
* Printed originally in the Public Advertiser,
and supposed to have been written by the celebrat
ed Di. Fraklin. 0
them to accept me uiwtuim weth fez New co^
will give them to return, as loon a> reientmerus
fubhde a little more.
Seventhly, Though the seventh article of the
treaty u^s been exprefsiy 'violated, by carrying
away from- NeW-iork Argroes, the prop^rb o'
A^riean inhabitants, when°a,plied for by their
madeis, and though some of the new settlers of
Nova-Stotia, countenanced by government have
ferced on lands long since granted to Com'uanics
of Gentlemen, now fubjeds of the'new 'flatus,
and which they were at. great expence to fettle
agreeable to the termsof their grants; no bad cou
fequehceS can cnlue, asbreaches of treats on cue
tide never can produce or jollify a disregard of it
on the q^ner, and you have a right to expert a
pundual performance of every p dr & your favor,
if you should not comply with any one in theim.
And as to those lands, the property ' of American/
Which happen to full under the British Govern
ment, 'the fubjebls ol Great-Britain have no lands
under American government to be retaliated ucoh,
'or if they have, the Amcrica^s-will not dare t)
Treat batons as foreigners and aliens. It is tine
Lord Sheffield fays, with great truth and eenfa
'approbation, that America must henceforward be
viewed as a foreign country, as in a state of alf&
¥, and prohibitions and exclusions now go lrh
on that principle; but this is to be underflood
only as operating cn America, and by no means
reciprocal, 'orever hkelyto become so. Itis trro
one would have expected that provifEn would
have been made m the treaty, so, the futurity of
she titles of British fuhjeßs in. case of lands as well
as dents, at least till time had been given to dispose
of them, as is usual in cases where "the sovereignty
of a Country is changed. The Americans had too
few lands 1:1 England to draw their attention, and
they will be too good not to permit British fubietG
to hold lands inAmerica, aid other privilefo
natural born fubje&s as formerly, though an Ame
rican cannot liold lands in England, nor indeed
ought, as Mr. Eden fully convinced the Iloufe of
Commons, m the debate on Mr. DempPer's bill
for naturalizing die issue of English women mar
ried to foreigners, for he particularly remarked,
tnat in this case if an English woman married an
American their children might inherit lands in
England: On this principle the bill was reje&ed;
but wh know the Americans are so w^ak and timid'
and extremely ignorant withal, that they will net
fee or raise any futh dTiin&ions.
Eighthly, If the Americans, By z & s of the
Congress, or the public bodies, shew a spirit of
conciliation, and a difpohtion to comply with tlre
treaty, pay no regard to it but exclaim again, ft
them as falfe and farthlels, who do not mean to
performit; as men who disregard ell the obligations,
of private honesty and public faith; encourage
printers and paragraph Writers to publish every
idle dory and misrepresentation of the proceedings
of the country, and of their enmity to this, and
believe them; it will work finely} and you may
possibly, as has happened to many a husband,
jealous Withdut came, produce the very effect
which exifled beiore oniy in his own imagination.
Though you have deflated their country with fire
and fy ord foi seven years, anniliilated tneir trade,
reduced thousands from affluence to poverty, and
brought general distress on all, it would be 'mean
and pitiful, unworthy a free born Briton, to shew
any sympathy or concern. On the other hand,
you will aft nobly by irifulting them with their
fancied wealth, rigoroufy demand payment of old
debß with the intervening interch.' which you'
have disabled them from paying, and then reproach'
them with difhonefty.'
Ninthly, If you apprehend emigration from
this country to that, pass severe laws against it,
and publish them in evety gazette; set spies over
the gentlemen of that country to trepan them.
Experience shews that such laws are fully Efficient
to check the disposition to emigrate where tho
necessaries and comforts of life are easily procured,
more equal liberty enjoyed, and wages doubled
and trebled. If there is a chance of carrying 011
some trade up the Mediterranean, from which they
may draw a balance of specie, to help to pay for
your ro an ufailures, use your influence with Por
tugal to distress and embarrass it. If the old'
passes, favoured by language and similarity of
appearances, afford some opportunity to elude the
Barbary corsairs, call them all in and change their
form. Every veffcl taken from the Americans is
one added to your flock. Besides, you cannot
take too many methods to convince them bow
four and ill-tempered you are, and the pleasure
von enjoy in making them fuffer for having de
fended themselves so fucccfsfully. It is true, at
present it will lessen remittances, and in time the
consumption of your manufactures, but I have
already shewn they arc of no fort of consequence.
By a careful observance of these excellent rules,
as of the former, be assured you will in time get
rid of their trade, as you have done of their do
pendence, and not be plagued with either. And
should you have another war, wrick ma, pofibl,
happen, you will not only be rid of them yourselves,
but perhaps fairly saddle them upon France, who
are foolifh enough to think the trade and friend
ship of three millions of people, in the neigh
bourhood of the Weft-India islands, rather bene
ficial than burthenfome. But this nation can never
want allies and friends, while it has so many
powers, efpeciabv the maritime, wao love herfor
her moderate . wthin war and peace. A. B.