The Wheeling repository — Wheeling, Va. [W. Va.], 1807-06-25 00:00:00, page 3

THE JUNKET.
By Richard Rummager, Esq.
No VI
l.ct sinful Bachelors their woes endure,
Tull well they merit all theyfeel^and more.
Pope.
As I rummaged the Repository letter
box, about three or four weeks past, I
laid my hand upon an article entitled A
Bachelor's Will. I no sooner perused it,
than I was impressed with the belief,that
some one of the sinful Bachelors of our
Village, had formed the laudable reso
lution oi becoming useful and respecta
ble members of society. Now the Bache
lor, who becomes a li is’1 md and the la
ther of a family, is,in th* proper sense of
the word t< the whole Bachelor
frat , ■:•] i ■ such an event, it
y and publish
ins ia*t \V iti i. ne ex
pected to die
B it as i i not . :i to a. : .* proper
to pubusn tne will in » t\v .ie e ses, un
tii alter tne death oi the T.-stator: so in
the present case, it appeared to me irre
gular, to give publicity to the Bachelor’s
Testament, uv til it was ascertained that
by submiting to the Rit s of Hymen, he
was defunct as a Hacht lor. I have there
fore waited, n unxiou1,daily expectation
that a wedding in the neighbourhood,
wou. d at uwcc point out and identify the
Testator, and render it proper to pro
mulgate the Testament.
So far I have been disappointed. In
deed, I have not been able to collect a
ny certain information on the subject.
Altho’ one or two of our Bachelors have
lately made some attempts to sol ten
their manners, and have occasionally
furbished themselves up a little, and
stalled about, as if they were “ almost
persuaded’’ to mix in society; yet tliev
keep so far aloof, and discover such an
horror of winks and giggles^ that I can
form no conclusion in thiir favour. I am
therefore apprehensive that the good in
dentions of Mr Lokt-timf, have been
c dircly destroyed. I am not without my
icars ilial a nuschei\ous titter among the
Girls, on liis first appearing among them,
or a play fill flirt from his selected Fair
oucr may have frustrated all his matri
monial calculations, undermined his
whole stock ol fortitude, and di iv< n him
to the determination ol again occupying
the devised premises. Should this be the
casi the publication ofhis Will, may oc
casion some regret to the devisees, but
as it demonstrates his liberal & good in
tentions, it is presumed they will not
complain.
It is not, however, improbable but my
impresions on this subject may have
been erroneous. Perhaps the article in
question was not intended as the genu
ine Testament of any one of our Bache
lors. It maybe the production of some
wag, intended for a quiz upon the whole
brotherhood; or it may be transcribed
from some old publication, altered and
perhaps amended, and thrown into the
Tetter-box for republication.
A Bachelors Will.
In the name of Wedlock. I Leonard
Lost-time, Bachelor, being as yet, sound
both in body and mind, tho’ a prey to
lonesomeness tk discontent, having de
termined to forsake the forlorn and
hopeless life of a Bachelor, for the more
comfortable and happy condition of an
J lusband, do make and ordain, this my
last Will and Testament, in manner
and form following, to wit:
Imprimis. I will and bequeath to my
good friend David Dilatory, rsq.
mv Manor of I.ong-delay, consisting of
the several messuages, known by the
names of Doubt, Fear, Bash fulness, Ir
resolution, Uncertainty, Fickleness, and
Obstinacy,being for the most part waste
and barren ground much overgrown
with briars, thorns and thistles: but ca
pable, by proper management and cul
tivation, of very great improvement.
Item. I will and bequeath, to my friend
Mr. Chari.es Casti.f.-buh.df.r, my
Mansion Housn, called and known by
the name of Vain-hope Castle. It lies
in the Regions of Imagination, rises se
ven stories high, commands a grand
prospect and has a large number of
windows in front: but it is without anv
doors or windows back, not having any
kitchen, cellar or nursery, or other
conveniences of domestic,or social life,
attached to it, to have and to hold the
said mansion house, until the day of
his marring', if he shall think proper
to keep it so long.
Item. I will and bequeath to my trustv
friend Samuel Self, esq. all my wood
land, known by the name of Ambiguity
Forest. Tt is well covered with an over
growth of Fun-trees, Sharks, Qiibblcs
and Conundrums, together with several
impenetrable Brakes and Thickets of
dark, unintelligible Incomprehensibili
ties.
Lon. I give and bequeath all the residue
of my Bachelor’s goods and e{Tecta,
consisting of a large treasure of JVhims,
Megrims, Freaks, Reveries, Schemes,
and Projects, to my aforesaid friend
Mr.Charles Castle-builder,
whom I constitute and appoint sole
Executor of this my last Will and Tes
tament, requesting and enjoining him
to furnish his own head, and the heads
of as many other Bachelors as he thinks
proper, with one or two ideas, from
which self shall be altogether excluded;
requesting also that he will write and
pronounce an epithalamium on my de
parture into the blessed regions of Ma
trimony.
And as I have made the bequests in.
this my last Will and Testament, un
der a firm persuasion that I shall have
no further use for the articles devised,
I desire that my Legatees will not con
sider their respc ctivc legacies as fa
vours conferred upon them. It is also
my earnest request, that they will not
hoard them up, or make a long and
unprofitable use of them, but endea
vour to dispose of them as soon as
possible, to the end that they may be
the better disposed and qualified to
follow me into that happy state into
which I am now about to enter.
Witness my hand and seal, this 1st
day of May, 1807.
Leonard Lost-Time, (e. s.)
Signed and sealed by tin ")
Testator, on the borders *
of Vnin-hope Castle, in ;
presence of J
Francis Fearful,
Timothy Timorous,
Fanny Forward. T
Miscellaneous Thoughts.
Vice appears more disgusting in a wo
man than in a man. The superior white -
ness of her character, when compared
with the other sex, discovers every spot
which it receives. Vice, fastening on a
woman, appears in all its malignity—
we view it as a 44 hog in a flower gar
d;n.” We behold with regret the pros
tration of whatever is lovely, delicate, or
beautiful in the human soul
Nature implants no disposition in vain,
ft seems to be a general hew throughout,
the whole animal creation, that no crea
ture without exercise, should enjoy
healthy or be able to find subsistence. lo
ver y creature, except man, takes as much
of it. as is necessary. He alone, and such
animals as arc under his direction, deviate
from this original law. and they suffer
accordingly.