The Columbian informer, or, Cheshire journal — Keene, N.H., 1794-11-11 00:00:00, page 4

W : I always know a critic by bis face,
His forehead's wrinkled, and his nose is
, curl'd:
He never can fit quiet in his place,
But fidgets up and down,for all the world.
be adopted till the. milder forma of difri
pline have failed.
Gallery,—Totally wrong in France.
—Miserable (economy indeed I—What an
amazing expence muff it be to hire foch
a throng, perhaps at high wages, merely
to hif< at, and interrupt, or to clap and
applaud,# party, when a hundredth part of
the expense, with a little mechanical in
vention ffiould aafwer the fame purpose !
For instance : A pair of Organ Bellows
may be placed to communicate with, aad
•
ffiH%fe
# sCoEr^ c oirttae^
4fr cmmttoiMttffiwffi.■ <^
&dress from an Author to tb^^%der, on
Entering a new Book.
^ —.
STAY, reader; may I beg a Angle
word
' Before yot ienter on another book ?
Pray,—if &e question is not too absurd,
Vouchfafe to tell me only how you look.
WE have paid one compliment to
French ceecnomy ; it is to be with,
rd that equal commendation were due to
their whole frfcm ofpolitics. But revo
lutions are but in their pupilage, Mr.
Paine and I ffiall yet set matters td-righu;
It is the part of wisdom to profit by ex
perience.—Ye little think, heedless mor
tals ! what wrestlings of mind, watchful
days, and ffeeplefi nights, we authors and
political inftrudors endure for your feke.
I have long anticipated a revolution on
the other fire of the channel, and many a
choice plan have I in store for if, if Eng-
Jiff-men will be advised by me..—The
following are among the notes in my com
mon place-book.
. National contention —•Let it
be better regulated than the French,—
Apropos. Frequent election of President
that all may have a chance.—Let each
member have a separate box ; number
the boxes,, and locate the members. The
floor of each, but to consist of a trapdoor,
from thofpring qfwhich, a concealed cord
to communicate with the Rrefident's box,
At the end whereof a handle, marked with
a number correspondent with that of the
box. These handles to be disposed within
reach of the President, that, on occasion,
by polling at the cord^an. obnoxious
member may be dropped into a vault ba
loW, as the left resort of difciplinp, to be
dealt with there; this however, never to
Railing weak doubts, and fumbling ever
Straws,
At ev'ry word and ev'r-y letter quibbling ;
Picking small holes,and tearing littleflaws,
Like a malicious mouse who will be nib
bling.
&if he rode upon a trotting horse,
,With a hard saddle, mdny a weary mile ;
And then he mutters out feme words of
course
As piffil pfha ! then grins a ghastly
fmilc.
If thou art one of these my readerdear.
Prithee lay down the book,it is not for ye;
Or if in spite thou needs wilt persevere.
Stop half a minute whilst I tell a flory.
In the warm climate of Virginia dwells,
Unknown to us, a coxcomb of a bird,
His crest with variegated plumage (wells.
And mock bird is he called, for not a word
A nightingale, who, seated on a spray.
With her fwert pipe regal'd the neighbo
ring plains,
And heard our critic with his mirtfic lay,
Te doleful ditties turn her loveborn Grains.
Or note has nature given him of his onn,
But only the pert talent of a fool.
Os better birds to imitate the tone,
Taking them off, byway of ridicule.
With indignation thus addrefa'd the fo®h;
" My song may not be perfect, it is true ;
u But as th' example's better than the
^ " rule,
• C Pray, Sir, now let us have a song from
" you,"
the CORDWAINER—N° 10.
From tire WESTERN STAR.
? from thb EAGLE.
VIG IL, N*.fr
" Pigmies are Pigmies fill."
I WAS about to give a Tong labored
dissertation, on the origin, cuftan& and
improvements of the race of men called
pigmies; but finding the fabjeft much
involved in uncertainty, and perplexed
with fable, 1 /ball content myfelf, most
patient reader, by pointing out, and de
scribing some diftingutfhing features of
modern pigmies. For whatever might
have been the manners qf Homer's pig
mies; " pigmies are pigmies fliU."
Small things may be great, when com
pared with thiogeriill smaller ; and, con
trariwise, great things, are small when
compared with greater; and yet pigmies
in every elafs. So we find there are
pigmy kings, pigmy lords, and nobles qf
hereditary pigmyihip, pigmy generals,
I pigmy judges, pigmy prieftr. and, in
short, pigmy every thing. The philoso
pher, who, from an eminence, takes a,
downward look upon meh and their pur
suits, is wotrtfr in the grw^/r of his. /w/,
Ito call them all pigmies. But! am award
!La Guillotine, that paring knife
' —that finishing touch, in revolutionary
economy.—iri&penfibie.—With regard
to the application of it, I would have some
iplain, uniform criterion. For instance :
As every thing depends upon dispatch and
discrimination, let a (hell be found, or an
helmet made, which shall exaftly fit the
head of Citizen Roberfpierre, Mr. Paine,
the author of the Jockey Club, or some o
ther known and tried democrat and let
allfufpected heads be proved by tidy—
Depend upon it, the fauare head of an A
ristocrat will no more fit the fmouth, ar
ched concave, than my flat foot (hall a
Chinese lady's flipper.
As to these Royal Heads, as a different
process may be advif&e with them, 1
have been somewhat puzzled to hit on a
fatisfa&ory one. The result of my re
searches is briefly this :—Since any pro
cess of inquiry, apriori, would be attack
ed with a variety of obstacles, difficulties
and delays, all or roft of which may be
avoided by a protefs.apoflericri, it is but
to pas» them through the Mill firft, and
they fori be as passive and as pliant as a
cheesecake. —Qaeftfon them,accufe them,
revile them —no pert reply, 40 fancy, de
niat or evalion, no exculpation. You
have only to label them with the words
" TYRANT" and " Traitor," fyke
them up in the market place, let the Au
thor of the Jockey-Club^ in addition to
his former labours, write their V Mx
molrs,” and, believe me, in spite of their
inviolability,, they fhaJl rot and stink like
the head of a beggar.
to co force obedience to their decrees. If
on the receipt of a decree of the Club, re
quiring him to applaud, or to condemn a
,peaker, or to drop a member into the
vault, the Prefidentof the convention fhail
difebehthe President of the Club but pulls
his cord, and lodges him in the vault.—
The kt, of thia vault to be kept by^the
President of the Club. By thia ar.-^pge
ment not only the expence, but the delay,
uncertainty and danger of an armed force,
will be completely avoided. This brings
aie to
charge with wind, a number of tight cafa
properly disposed. Any child may ply
the Bellowfes. A talhfman at the
foot of the Prefidrat may command a
valve in each of these, which pressed,
(hail open a vent, and produce a complete
hiding. A cat-call may be placed incaci
ce&, to heighten rhe cffed. If these be
Sufficient to drown a (peaker, or a party,l
the boy at the bellowfes may, at a signal
from the President, play a horfe-fiddle.
This left, however, Should be reserved for
applause, (being an excellent imitation of
clapping) except on particular emergen
cies ; and to diftinguiftOhe applauding
horfe-fiddle from the condemning horfe
fiddle, let the former be accompanied by
Tome imitative founds, produced by the
■ President, by the touch of a few keys be
fore him, opening trumpet pipes, which
• may be made to pronounce tolerably such
words as—"bravo !''=" liberty !"—"e
quality !"—
, Jacobin Club.—By all means.—
Let it fit directly over the heads of the
convention. There must be a tube or
conductor, through which papers may be
pahfed ftom the Jacobin Hall above, to the
PreGdeat'a table below. The President
of the Convention muff likewise set over a
irap door, the spring of which must be at
he command of the Frefident of the Club,
there are pigmy philosophers. Thefel
are the pigmies " perched on Alps."
Os the pigmies es low degree, and their
adventures, we fee instances every day ;
for they make as much noise as giants.—
They are founding things ; aye, of much
more found than sense; like the tinkling
i bell, they emit found on all sides.
I have seen pigmy politicians, who
find many founding things against the Na
tional Convention, railed at the Jacobins,
and declared that the French were all a
pack of heading,ore: Others again in
taverns and grogshops, deeply inf, trod
with the ftirit of the times, spouting a
gainst Congress, and the State govern
ments; and (wearing the members loved
British gold, better than American free
dom. These are reftleft, troublefeme pig
mies, and ought to be employed in tome
little pigmy business adapted to their &a,ac
tigs, as children are sent to school to keep
them out of mifchief. And what I fay of
priests, let it be with veneration ; for I
venerate the order. But 1 have seen
sane perpetually seeking new adventures
" comparing sea, and land to make one
proselyte," endeavoring to divide church
es, and obftruft the order of society.
— Such, though priests, are " pigmies
ftill."*
THE sea coast of Cohaffet is
bound with a chain of moun
tainous racks—" Arra now,"
Ay&a shipwrecked Irish sailor,
u filch a plantation, as this,
would make a man's fortune in
Jamaica ; for, on my fhoul, he
would never be in danger ofha
ving his cone-fields fwall®wed
up by an earthquake.'*
TQ be fold on reasonable terms a
FARM lying in Washington, con
taining about sixty acres,, situated on the
Afhwelot river,,on the county road from
Boson to Claremont—well accommodated
for Mills, on which a good saw-mill has
lately been erected, and a graft -mill is much
wanted. Good paltering and mowing,
for which about twenty acres are now im
proved. For particulars enquire of Da
vid Brown, poftmder, or the fabfcriber on
the psemifo.
JOHN HU&E.
QWrao/b, 1794.
A BLACKSMITH, while shoe
ing a horse, was gazed at
by a number of Negroes ar they
passed by ; being a little piqued
;at beingthe obje& of the Blacks
attention, and attempting to cast
a slur upon them laid, " I be
lieve hell is broke lo®fe." —
" Yes, Maffa (fays one) I fee de
Devel got hold de horse's foot."
I have seen pigmies On fine horses, up
to their knees in sheepskin boots, with
powdered locks, when I verily thought
they wanted meal at home; extolling the
virtues of their beasts, and faying they
loved them, as they did their ver, wives;
dancing, and prancing them about the
Greets at court times, and commencements,
and challenging every horse in the state
for a race. These, I have thought ' the
.veriest pigmies, that I ever saw. This
is ,rgmyifm with a witness ! I have seen
pigmy lawyers, and pigmy debtors; but
these need no description, or rather they
baffle ail description ;. and, wonderful to
be seen, I have seen fa pigmies ! ! And
here I might mention many things, that
I have seen, wuc I not apprehensive of
incurring the CTium of^tatyfair and be
called Ponderous uncivil^^^rcight men -
tion the tf#^confu|fl|m downcast
look ; for what can ^^^fcr, than for
one to hold down c_sjfead, or cover
the face with a handkerchief, when she is
not willing that others fheuld know she
cannot blufls, I might mention the Sunday
fdekng look, more assiduous to catch frety
hearts than moral truth. What pity it is,
that the goodly proportioned feature should
be distorted by unskilful hands, and the
native hue of complexion contaminated,
by artificial coloring, not surely to capti
vate beads but begrts.
If fach arts ye use, ye fair ones, know
they are pigmy arts, and far different from
those used by grandma's Eve, while in
innocence. Many more things I have
seen; but let these fuffice.
^NECDOTES.
Firn DOLLARS REWARD.
ESCAPED from the Sheriff's custody,
on the night of the zift inst. a fel
low taken up on fufpidton of Horse Heal
ing, who called his name WILLIAM'
MORELAND.—He is about fl feet
high, trim built, a iharp grey eye, and
a remarkable sprightly fellow—by all ac
counts is a noted villain.—Whoever will
take up said fellow and return him to the
fubferiber, er confine him so that be may
be had, &11 be entitled to the above to
ward and all necessary charges.
JOSEPH CASS, D. Sheriff.
Richmond^)&. 24, 1 794, JZ
BROKE into the enclcfure of the fub
feriber on the nth in ft. a drefnut
coloured Horse Obit, light coloured mane
and tail, white Bar in his forehead, and a
white Break above his nose—supposed to
be a yearling pad. Whoever owns said
Colt,. will prove property, pay charger,
and take him away, will oblige
SIMSON STEWARD.
Jaffrey, 02. 24th, 1794.
This day publfhed, and for sale at this Office
DEVICE
DEVISED
,AGAINST THE RULERS OF THE ParL '
NESS OF THIS World.
OR,
MYSTERY upon MYSTERY,
IN A CONTRAST OF CHARACTERS:
IN four parts.
To which is added in a fifth rtr,
the native condition of Human Nature
explained : Also a KEY to the whole.
BY A CITIZEN OF NEWHAMPSHIRE.
RAN away from the fubienber, on tbs
~ 14th intt. a fervent girl named
Poli] Broerflocki aged 13 years, dark com
plexion and large eyes. Whoever will
take up said runaway and return her tot
me, shall have one /hilling reward. All
persons are cautioned against harboring or
trafting her on my account, hs 1 shall not
pay- any debts of her contrasting after thia
dates
STEPHEN WHITE.
Gilfam, O&, 20/6, 1794.
STATE'OF ^EkH^MPSHIR^"
NOTICE is hereby given to the Aon
resident proprietors and owners cf
Lands in the towns of Hixd/dale for the
years 1785, 1787, and 1789, and Ri&
mend for the year 1789 ; that the lifts of
Taxes cf said towns for said years are left
with the fubferiber, that unless the said
proprietors pay the fame either to him or
the Calleftors thereof within eight weeks
from the firft pablifhing this advertife
menr, their Lands will be advertised for
sale for the payment of the fame,
NATHANIEL PARKER, ReceQ
Net Rtfient^ara^.
Enter, Oa. 22, 179,
TLANKs,
of most kinds,.
Far file at this OFFICE.
qr^O be fold a FARM, lying in the
town of Keene, within three miles
of the Meeting-Heufe, containing one
hundred acres of excellent LAND, well
wooded and watered, and has a Grist and
Saw-Mill within three quarters of a mile
of it—lt has a good Hcufe and Barn on
the fame. Also to be fold, a
FAR M,
Lying in Sullivan, on the main roQ non*
tailing 1 hundred acres, ten of which are
now sowed with grain. For further parti-
Calais enquire of
JONAS OSGOOD;
Kane, Oa. 13/9, 1794.
A FARM FOR SALE:
TO be fold a small
FARM,
Lying in the middle of the town of Swat-'
zey, very conveniently lituateci for a
tradesman—a House and Shep cn the'
premises.—For further particulars on, ,
quire of _ .'
EBENEZER STONE.
s<wanz4,, oa. 27th. 1794.
g. Subscriber's BOOKS are ready for
delivery.
F A RMS,
for SALE.