The Newhampshire gazetteer — Exeter, N.H., 1790-12-04 00:00:00, page 4

Now gaining speech, the parasitic crow'd
Leap'd up and soar'd in unison aloud :
<Heav'ns! what's the matter ? Sir Joseph, pray ?
Dumb to the questions the Great man remain'd:
The knight, deep pond'ring, nought did fay ;
Again the gentleman their voices ftrain'd:
Sudden the President of fleas, so fad,•
Strides round the room, with disappointment mad,
Whilst every eye enlarg'd with wonder rolls;
And now his head against the wainfcoat leaning,
'Since you must know (he figh'd) the meaning,
f Fleas are not lobftcrs, d—n their fouls.'
TO-MORROW— didst thou fay ?
Methought I heard Horatio fay to-morrow-
Go to, I will not hear it !—To-morrow !
'Tis a (harper, that flakes hi< penury
Against thy plenty ; takes thy ready calh,
And pays thee nought, but Willies, hopes, and pro
mises,
The currency of idiots. Ingenious bankrupt.
That gulls the easy creditor.—To-morrow !
It is a period no where to be found
In all the hoafy registers of time ;
Unleis, perchance, in the fool's calendar.^
Wisdom disclaims the word, nor holds society
With those, who own it. No, my Horatio,
'Tis Fancy's child, and Folly is its father ;—
Wrought of fach ftuff as dreams are, and baseless,
As the fantaftic visions of th* evening.
In Jonas Dryander, the fav'rite came,
Who manufadures all Sir Joseph's fame :
6 What luck ?' Sir Joseph bawl'd, ' fay Jonas fay'
<lv'e boil'd just fifteen hundred,' Jonas whin'd,
« The dev'l a one change color cou'd I find'—
Intelligence creating dire dismay !
But foft, my friend, arrest the present ;
For be affur'd, they are all arrant telltales ;
And tho' their flight be silent, and their path
Trackless as the wing'd couriers of the air,
They post to heaven, and their record thy folly.
Then stay the present instant, dear Horatio ;
Imprint the marks of wisdom on its wings ;
'Tis of more worth than kingdoms, far more pre-
Then Jonas curs'd, with many a wicked wish,
Then fhow'd the stubborn fleas upon a dish,
6 How !' roar'd the President and backward fell,
6 There goes, then, my hypothesis to hell !'
And now his head in deep despair he shook ;
Now clos'd his eyes, and now upon his breast,
He muttering dropp'd his fable beard unbleft ;
Now twirl'd his thumbs and groan'd with piteous
look.
CIOUS,
Than all the crimson treasures of life's fountain.
Oh let it not elude thy grasp,
Bet, like the good old patriarch upon record,
Hold the fleet Angel faft until he bltfs thee.
[Sir Jofab Banks told an intimate friend that he had
made a dsfcover, that mould aftoni/h the world,
enrich the journals, and render bimfelf immortal—
with the most important confidence and philosophic
folemnitj, he affirmed that he was upon the very
roe of proving what had never entered into the
foul of man ; viz. that fleas were lobsters—that
Jenas Dr, under was ordered to colle& fifteen hun
dred fleas, and boil them ; which, if the, changed
to the fine crimson of the tobfter, •would ,#? the
ident, of the species beyond the poffibilit, of doubt
at length the beds of the President were rans
acked by hisflea-crimp, honest Jonas ; fifteen hun
dred of the hopping inhabitants were caught, and
passed the dreadful ordeal of boiling water; with
Qat success, O gentle reader, the ode will inform
thee.]
ONE morning at his house iri Soho Square,
As with a solemn, awe inspiring air,
Amidst some royal fychophants he fat ;
Moil manfully their mafticators using,
Most plcafantly their greasy mouths amusing
With coffee, butter'd toast, and birds nett chat:
Dead ftrack fat Aubert, Blagdon, Planta, Woide,
Whole jaw bones in the mumbling trade employ'd,
Half-open'd, gap'd in sudden ft upor loft ;
Whilst from the mouth of every gaping man.
In mazy rill the cream-clad coffee ran,
Supporting dainty bits of butter'd toast.
SEAT OF THE MUSES.
For the New Hampshire Gazetteer.
SIR JOSEPH'S BREAKFAST.
BY PETER PINDAR.
, CT^IS a dreaming world—said the good Parson,
JL the other Sunday. In truth, said my old
friend, as we walked from the door—'never was t
more convinced of the juftoefs of an obfervatibn.—
I cast my eyes around the church—and behold ! all
were in=the arms of Somnus —a few excepted—a
mong whom were an old officer and a young co
quette : While the latter was busied in setting her
beauties in array ; the former was delineating a
field of battle upon the feat—and these, continued
he, were waking dreamers—of these, said I, there
are not a few at this day—At every corner you
may fee a dreaming Statesman—and each has arri
ved to the full assurance of hope, that he Ihall one
day fit in the President's feat, and be clothed cap
a pee with the ensigns of dignity. Meeting one of
these yesterday, [How is your health now, Mrs
M—•-? said I—,the plan i) a good one, said he ;
it can't fail of answering my expedations—fetting
his right hand upon his hip---the next eledion---
I'm matter of the fecr,t said he---with looks of
felf-approbation- -opening his purfeat the fame
time. At that instant walked up a blind beggar,
feeling his way---who addressed the gentleman who
had been talking thus-— God bless your honor, will
your honor be so kind as to give a poor man six
pence: Beggars returned the Staeiman Ihould ne
ver set a price to charity : Then turning to me
and putting a guinea into my hand—l think the
Freemen of this Rate will not run mad the coming
eleaion as they have at some former elections said
he : You always intend your gifts for the necessi
tous Interrupted I—reaching my hand to give it to
the beggar: My gifts said he---pushing my hand
about---my gifts never shall enrich these fpend
thrifts---thefe vagabonds—begone, said he, to the
old man, with astern voice, we have no need of your
company—-fare thee well returned the Beggar, and
blessings great as th, unkindness rest on thee:
May'ft thou never feel lthe oppressing hand of po
verty---come Floro, said he to a little dog, which
he held tied by a firing, thou art the donftant com
panion of my wretchedness---and the only friend
1 have left in this bast world : When I ask a kind
ness never dost thou upbraid me with poverty, or
with former obligations---here, take a part of this
remaining cruft, said he---breaking it in two---
Heaven will fend us more. My heart melted for
the poor fellow---! turned from the Statesman---
remember the next ele^ion—my purse is not yet
emptied, said he—l left him to so God, and walk
ed hastily after the old man-having overtaken
him, Heaven has already sent thee more, said I ;
I gave him the Statesman's guinea, and one from
MARIA -A FRAGMENT,
Founded on faa,
'"'MISER Y, distress, and remorse, were pic
tured in her countenance, in such strik
ing colours, as would have made a Herod sympa
thize with her. She could not shed a tear, that
would have eased her rending heart. "O virtue !"
Sighed she out, while every feature bore irrefiftable
evidence of her approaching dissolution—the finger
of death was visibly on her=" how unhappily have
I swerved from thy paths ! But, divine father! To
thee it is known, that a misplaced confidence, net
the power of vice, has been the cause of my ruin)
and blasted the faireft profpeds chat ever opened
upon any of my sex !—Deluded girl— -Cruel, per
fidious Polydore ; May heaven forgive you—as
with my last breath I do.—May you repent, and
enjoy happiness—that happiness which you have
robed me of !—-But who could have fufpeded that
villainy possessed the bosom of one, whose every
look; whose every a&ion appeared the offspring of
the purest virtue—of the most tender sensibility ?—
May every innocent, unfufpeding girl take warn
ing by my fate ! May she Ihun the firft approaches
of temptation ! May she have it impressed on her
mind, that "fa ^bo bejitates is loft," and that se
curity is only to be found in flying from contest !
^- -- - Alas ! alas ! Little did I-- -- little did
my fond parents imagine this - - - - would be - - -
my tragical end —O heavens ! forgive, if possible
- - - - this one ^ - - - this irreparable error - - --
let the sincere --- - contrition -- - -of my foul
atone for my crime." - - More she would
have said—but she funk ih death. At this mo
ment, Polydore arrived. When he beheld her
ghafty form, anguish and horror seized his guilty
foul—the perfidy and villany of his conduft flared
him in the face—He knelt down by the fide of the
angel whom he had corrupted and destroyed. He
kissed her wan check—he sighed—he raved—he_
wept bitterly—" Dear maid" said he, " thou art
gone—-I have infamoufly robbed you of peace—of
happinefs—of virtue—and even of life itfelf—but
thus ihall I expiate my guilt." He then seized a
sword and plunging it into his breast, fell down by
her fide—and groaned out all his foul in agonies
of horror and despair.
Philadelphia, Aug. 6, 1790.
From the Freeman's Journal.
Extras from a late Volume, published by the Bath So^
ciety,f or promoting Agriculture and planting,
S I R,
MY ears having of late bgen sere
naded with the monotonous
mufick of the butter churn from mor
ning till night, I have endeavoured
to find out some contrivance for ac
celerating that operation, so particu
larly tedious at this leafon of the
year; and I have the fatisfa&ion to
inform you, that my endeavours have
not been unfuccefsful.
I recollected to have heard when a
boy, that a bit of soap flipt into the
churn, would effectually plague the
dairy maid, by preventing the cream
from ever producing butter. Whe
ther this effeaually Would, I never
had the mifehievous inclination to
try; However, I took it for granted,
and imputed it to the alcaline salt
contained in the composition of the
• soap. Hence I conceived, that some
fry own purse ; when thou wanteft a friend con
tinued I, call on me : I told him my name, that
he might enquire for me another time, and left
him in ecftacics too big for utterance.
Making light the burthen of affliction under
which the unfortunate are bowed down, said my
old friend, taking out his handkerchief, Ihall
crown the evening of thy days with greater joy
than his who fays " I am afeaator," and robs the
hand of Industry of his heard earnings, to feed his
luxury ---{Are we not all brethren ?
ANOMALOUS.
chemical preparation of an opposite
quality might produce as opposite an
eifea. I could think of nothing so
likely to anfWer this purpose, and at
the fame time so innocent as the ve
getable acetous acid. Accordingly,when
the next operation of churning had
been going forward lor the half day,
I caused a little distilled vinegar to be
poured into the churn, and the but
ter was produced within an hour af
terwards. It has since been regularly
made use of for this purpose, and al
ways with the desired success/
If the supposition be admitted,
that the cream of old milk (and such
is milk for the most part at this sea
son) contains much stronger alcaline
salt, or at least more of it than new
milk does, then the effeft of the vin
egar is readily accounted for on the
known principles of chemistry.
It may perhaps be objeded to this
mode of practice that the acid mixing
with the cream would render the but
ter unpalatable ; this on experience I
do not find to be the case ; as the but
ter is usually washed in two or three
changes of water.
My experiments have not as yet as
certained the exaft quantity of the
acid which is neceflary to produce the
proper effea, nor the precise time of
its being mixed with the cream. But
I apprehend, a table fpoonful or two
to a gallon of cream will be fufficient;
nor would I recommend it to be ap
plied till the cream has undergone
some considerable agitation.
fa. 9. RUSTICUS.
RURAL ECONOMY.