From: sandyteb@aol.com
To: tlokey@enron.com
Date: 2001-05-08 17:15:26+00:00
Subject: Fwd: More funny stuff (church bulletins)

Teb,
You've got to read this--even if you're in the middle of something
important--ESPECIALLY if you're in the middle of something important. Enjoy!!
Love,
Sandy

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Subject: More funny stuff (church bulletins)
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These aren't from Bill (my usual source), but from another Lyceum
committee member. Have a good morning.
--jill


*************

>These are actual clippings from church newspapers It's amazing what a
 little proofreading would prevent:
 >>
 >> Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
 >> at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
 >> Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
 >>
 >> Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
 >> FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
 >> Prayer conference includes meals."
 >>
 >> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
 >> the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
 >>
 >> Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again,"
 >> giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 >>
 >> "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
 >> of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
 >> your husbands."
 >>
 >> Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
 >> Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
 >> come for a fun time.
 >>
 >> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
 >> to a conflict.
 >>
 >> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
 >> tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
 >>
 >> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
 >> the help they can get.
 >>
 >> Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
 >> transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
 >> tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
 >>
 >> The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
 >> will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
 >>
 >> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
 >>
 >> Smile at someone who is hard to love.
 >>
 >> Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 >>
 >> Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
 >>
 >> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
 >> church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 >>
 >> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
 >> Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 >>
 >> Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
 >> of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
 >> ones.
 >>
 >> The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy
 >> sinning to join the choir.
 >>
 >> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
 >> recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 >>
 >> The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
 >> potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
 >> nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know
 >> it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 >>
 >> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
 >> deceased person(s) you want remembered.
 >>
 >> Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
 >> lunch.
 >>
 >> The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
 >> entertainment, and gracious hostility.
 >>
 >> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to
 >> follow.
 >>
 >> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
 >> They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This
 >> evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
 >> from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 >>
 >> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
 >> ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
 >> is done.
 >>
 >> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
 >> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
 >> next Sunday morning.
 >>
 >> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the
 >> back door.
 >>
 >> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
 >> Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
 >> attend this tragedy.
 >>
 >> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
 >> Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 >>
 >> Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
 >>
 >> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
 >> slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
 >>
 >>
 >> Contributed by: Julie Cummings